#i used a random number generator to find out how many kids theyre going to have and it told me three so there u go FHDJFHSJKHFSK

[bunny-heels]

leetspeak information post

so if you're someone who's played old online games as a kid and would see the numbers 1337 somewhere, either in someones username or put in a random spot on the map, or would notice random numbers in the middle of peoples names replacing letters- thats leetspeak! in fact, 1337 is the word leet written in leetspeak!

leetspeak is when you use different characters on a keyboard to replace letters in words so that they are harder to read for people who don't know it, and that way you can hide messages from people in plain sight.

history

it gained its popularity in the 80s when speaking to people around the world online started to grow in numbers. pretty much the only way to communicate with people online via computers and the network was using a BBS, Bulletin Board System, that was basically forums before they were called forums. right before IRC existed too! this language was commonly used by people who claimed themselves as hackers, or H4X0RS, and their knowledge of accessing hidden away files and system controls allowed them to be known as the "elite", giving them the title 31EE7 H4X0R. the most famous hacker at the time was Kevin Mitnick, who got arrested at one point in 95 by the FBI for computer hacking and wire fraud. if you're into 2000s gaming and his last name sounds familiar to you, thats because he's even referenced in Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines and is the name of the hacker Nosferatu in Hollywood!

should you even learn it?

yes!!! yes you should!!

leetspeak is a wonderful way to keep yourself and your thoughts hidden online from the general public, and especially from specific groups of people that you don't want finding you. as well, you can write a word in any way you want in leetspeak! you don't have to use the same replacing characters twice!

as an example, lets say you are making a post talking shit about na.zis, but youre scared that the trick of putting periods in between words isnt going to be enough to stop them from finding your post, since they can do the same thing.

easy solution! write it in leetspeak!

you could use n4z1, n@51, or even |\|/\-/_!. there's many different variations you can create when you really try to imagine it!

as well, leetspeak is an outdated way of communication, and most people have forgotten that it even exist, so its very likely that the people youre trying to talk shit about will be one of those people, and they'll never know how to find you! and even if they DID remember it existed, theyre probably too lazy to try and figure out the various combinations anyway, so youre always safe!

how to learn

learning leetspeak is especially easy to do when you practice it yourself. often the most common forms of leetspeak that is normalized is changing letters to numbers that look similar, such as E to 3, A to 4, G to 6, and so on so forth. there is also different levels of leetspeak that can be used to make the messages even harder to read for those inexperienced, so your secrets are extra safe.

here are some examples of words being turned into leetspeak at varying degrees of experience:

freckles -> f43ck135

spot -> $907

dictionary -> d1ct10n4ry

dog -> c|06

rabbit -> r48817

action -> @<7|0|\|

problems -> 9|~()9|_&|\/|$

the reason why the leetspeak versions of these words might be easy for you to understand right now is obviously because the actual words are right next to it. 8u7 1f 1 \/\/343 2 $7@47 7@|k1|\|6 |1k3 7h1$ ["but if i were to start talking like this"], then its very likely you won't be able to read it!

on the wiki page for leetspeak, there's a chart that list the most common combinations of replacements for letters that can be used

switching up how you do these various combinations can make you so hard to find that you'll basically disappear from people's searches entirely! making you safe from groups that are prone to harassment, bullying, and the like.

and, psst, for tumblr use especially, you could use this to spread awareness for a lot of topics that staff usually will delete entire posts and blogs over. staff won't know what to do when they suddenly can't find anymore more posts about 9/\|_3$71|\|3 to block.

leetspeak isn't that accessible for some people

leetspeak does not generally do well with people who have disabilities and the like that affects their ability to read, and is not a friendly language when it comes to screen readers.

sadly, tho, that is technically what you have to sacrifice if you want to use it to be hidden. some of your followers won't be able to read a post that you used leetspeak on to be able to avoid being detected, thus they miss out on whatever youre saying. and that can suck.

the best way to keep it as accessible as possible is learning the lower level form of leetspeak and using it in posts, such as only changing some of the letters in words to numbers, l1ke th1s, so that they can somewhat get a general idea as to what youre attempting to say.

there are some sites that do give the option to decode leetspeak, such as 1337.me and dcode.fr, however those sites rely on the old typical chart of leetspeak characters, so if you try to decode someone's unique way of hidden a message, it likely will come out not making sense.

for example, this is what the decoder thinks 9|~()9|_&|\/|$ spells. mind you that this is supposed to spell "problems".

this is how i would have to write it in order for the decoder to understand what i'm saying.

but if i try to put that same "fixed spelling" into the second decoder, it comes out as this

so, sadly, higher forms of leetspeak are not very friendly towards people who have difficulty reading, so if you want your post to be accessible for those individuals, then its best to either use the lower form of leetspeek, as 1n r3plac1ng as l1ttl3 l3tt3rs as p0ss1bl3 ["as in replacing as little letters as possible"], or to just u.s.e p.e.r.i.o.d.s so that the words get spelt out.

of course, if a person with a disability that affects their reading really wanted to, they could attempt to learn how to read it in their own way, such as learning what numbers replace which letters and what certain combinations of characters stand for. very much more power to them if they can, but that cant be easy. and i only wish the best for them.

also, the biggest and most obvious draw back- people who are not experienced or straight up do not speak english will have an impossibly difficult time reading it, some of them not even being able to use it for their own language depending on what it is. which, again, is why it's suggested to use the lower form of it or to just use periods in between words.

conclusion

if youre someone who is into the history of the old internet and has the time and ability to learn something new, PLEASE LEARN LEETSPEAK!!! it can be so so so so useful in the long run and i think it's a lovely way to communicate in secret, especially with how terrible internet secret and privacy has become in recent years, sometimes it can used as a last resort in order to make sure no one out there can be able to track and find you.

and its so much fun to figure out new ways to spell things! and the aesthetics of it can be very pretty!! and i just think its neat!!! please learn leetspeak!!!!!

here's some resources to help learn more about it:

Leet Speak Powerpoint Presentation (Live)

Leet Speak ABC

1337: Leetspeak

What Is Leetspeak: A Comprehensive Guide

1337 speak

[etherealdemon]

pre-relationship - 5 / general - 2 / domestic life - 3 for samuel/arabella 💖

✨ask me questions about our ships!

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

5 — did either of them try to resist their feelings?

arabella was immediately attracted to samuel when she first met him on the set of little women. she did however try and resist her feelings just because she wanted their relationship to remain strictly professional during filming. arabella's been involved with a former co-star before and it was messy and definitely something that she did not want to go through again. she found it incredibly hard to resist samuel's charms though because he was so charismatic and handsome and she just adored everything that he did. they quickly became close friends on set and eventually arabella just said fuck it and accepted the fact that she was slowly falling in love with samuel kim.

GENERAL

2 — did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

although they've hung out plenty of times before, arabella and samuel's first official date was dinner at a very fancy, high-class restaurant in new york during the little women press tour. they tried their hardest to stay unnoticed but it's hard when you're two of the most famous celebrities in hollywood. dinner was nice but arabella enjoyed the events that unfolded in their hotel room that night even better. this date basically sparked the initial samabella dating rumours.

DOMESTIC LIFE

3 — how many kids do they have, if any? what are they like?

arabella and samuel have a total of three children- the eldest and youngest being girls and the middle child being a boy. they are literally what you'd think samabella's children would be, little pretentious children who wear branded clothes that kids probably shouldn't be wearing. all of their children gained an interest in the film industry, which was probably influenced by their parents, but their interests lie in different areas. their eldest daughter wants to follow in her parents footsteps and become an actor, their son is super into film production, and their youngest wants to compose scores. arabella and samuel are very supportive of their kids and arabella makes sure that they're working hard to become good at what they want to do. she doesn't want them to become nepo babies who solely rely on their name to get projects.

[timetogoslumming]

I want to write a summer camp au but I don't know where to start or how to make the camp part good. Any advice?

ooh, yes. okay! i have many, many tips. im going to be talking specifically about aus where the characters are camp staff but most of these tips could also go for ones where the characters are campers.

im putting this under the cut because i got carried away and it got a bit long. 

anyway, if you do end up writing your summer camp au, send it to me! id love to read it. (that also goes for anyone who might be reading this.)

1. draw from life

if you worked at a summer camp, youve got a leg up. you can really take what its like to be a counselor from that. if you were just a camper, you can write about the sort of spirit of camp, but you may not know about behind the scenes stuff. there’s a lot of background to being a camp staffer, including lots of training and paperwork. if you dont have a specific camp in mind that youre inspired by, find one and research it. look up videos on youtube about what its like to work at a summer camp but realize that everyone’s experience is different. also, take a look at the american camp association guidelines. that will tell you the different rules that your camp and your counselors had to follow. there may be things, like camper to staff ratios or safety guidelines, that you werent aware of.

2. that said, dont draw Too Much from life. 

if you just want to write about your own camp experience, write a memoir. camp mountain ridge, for instance, was based on my camp, but i made lots of alterations for story purposes. one of the first things i did was remove camp traditions and camp songs. all summer camps have their own traditions, and theyre great, but no one cares about a tradition at some random camp they didnt go to. same with camp songs: some are universal, but there are generally a billion different versions of every camp song. (one year, a new staff member who used to work at a different camp tried to sing The Moose Song and her lyrics werent the same as the ones we used and it was really weird.) in my opinion, the best camp aus are the most universal and generic ones where your readers can focus on the story, rather than getting bogged down in comparing how your camp is different from theirs. 

3. before you even start writing, map out your camp. 

make a literal map. give everyone a job description. if youre not sure what jobs there are, look up job listings for different camps. keep in mind, sometimes staffing is weird so you might have certain positions without anyone covering them and certain people fulfilling multiple job descriptions. figure out cabin assignments. at my camp, we switched cabins and staff groups every week. for mountain ridge, i put the same group of counselors in the same cabins every week. it made the story easier to tell and helped focus the narrative.

pro tips: CITs (counselors in training) are there to help, but they are not staff. 

some staff positions have age or training requirements. keep that in mind. an 18 year old is not likely to be head counselor.

4. tell the story but remember the setting.

youre going to want to tell a fun story. it might be a love story. i dont know. but your characters are at the camp to work. if they skip work, they might be bad at their job, and that will have consequences. if theyre good at their job, they might have limited time to have their summer camp romance. that doesn’t necessarily have to be a roadblock to telling your story. let it enhance things. 

5. create more plots than just the love story.

this actually goes for all fics. just like your personal love life, if you have one, is not the only thing going on in your life, its not the only thing for your characters. let them interact with people who arent their love interest or other main characters. show them interacting with campers. show them dealing with parents. show them hiking up a mountain, even though they hate hiking. we always complain about characters like sarah jacobs being shoehorned in just to be a love interest. dont do that to your own story.

6. have fun

if you’re bored writing a scene, then your readers will probably be bored. either fix it or skip it. if you feel like things are getting a bit heavy, throw in a comic relief scene. have someone flip a canoe and get into a bunch of mud. have the campers pull a prank on the counselor. have raccoons sneak into your art hut. 

a few nearly universal camp truths:

never let your counselor characters be alone with a camper

never ever ever let your counselor characters date your camper characters, no matter how old any of them are. i dont care if junior counselor jack is the same age as camper davey. dont do it.

the number one job of a camp counselor is safety. they ensure safety first and everything else comes after.

rules are broken all the time. you and your counselor characters need to know which ones to break and which ones need to stay in place. in mountain ridge, spot and race sneaking off to go swimming wasnt going to hurt anything. blink and mush smoking weed on camp property could have become a real problem, so they had to stop. 

most camps require first aid and cpr training for all staff, but ALL lifeguards have specialized training. lifeguard training is like first aid and cpr on steroids. your lifeguards know more than your counselors. you can use that in your story.

even if a camp has a program like junior counselors, if theyre under 18, they will not have full responsibilities. a 17 year old junior counselor =/= a 19 year old counselor. most camps have an age limit of 18.

most camp counselors are in college.

summer recreational staff is not legally required to be paid minimum wage. that includes lifeguards, amusement park staff, pool staff, camp staff, etc. these people are not making much money. again, you can use that.

i mentioned the american camp association before. not all camps are accredited by the ACA, which means that they arent held to high safety standards. imma be honest with yall. if i had a kid, i would never send them to a camp that wasnt ACA accredited. there are periodic inspections where the ACA comes out and checks to make sure that all of their requirements are being fulfilled. 

[childliike]

hi everybody !! ( hi dr nick! ) im ARI, pst, she/they pronouns ( your pick go wild ), and boy do i love murder :)) i bring 2 u my mixed up ghost of a son, JOHN “JD” DOE !! i understand his bio is basically a novella, so the TL;DR is that he was raised in captivity by a serial killer, and when said serial killer was caught he just kinda,,, wandered the streets? he’s only really been participating in the world for like three years, so in a lot of ways he is like a small child. a small child who really likes playing w dead bodies. ( istg this all makes some kind of sense in long form sigh )  anyway,,,, if you did read the bio and youre like ‘that was great but how do i give even MORE of my valuable time to this stranger?’, you can find some headcanons under the cut !! ( i mean, youre also free to read them if you didnt read the bio ofc, but i cant guarantee they’ll make sense ok ) OH HEY you know what else you’ll find under the cut ?? some vague ideas for connections. yeah. sexy stuff like that. in a group this size i generally prefer to establish our charas dynamic before jumping into threads, so if you see something you like, let ya boi know !! otherwise hop in my DMs or ill hop in yours and we’ll work something out, it’ll be great. OKAY i’ll stop rambling now enjoy the stuff kids !!

headcanons —

JD always eats quickly and desperately, like it might be the last food he gets for days

also hell eat like, anything. catch him scraping mold off bread and then eating it.

he has a dog, some kind of rottweiler mutt, that he picked up on his travels. his name is dog. JD sometimes feeds him human meat.

he loves fire!!! so much ok hed probs marry it if he could if theres a fire anywhere in the vicinity he either lit it or is looking for it so he can feed it

aside from some unwanted touching from random sketchy hippie-types, JD is a virgin

he feels sexual attraction occasionally, but he mostly associates sex with violence, and stays away from it for that reason. he’s pretty sure that he’s never felt romantic attraction, but he kinda hopes he will someday

he feels more comfortable with women than men, but is conditioned to do just about anything a man tells him to do

that said, gender seems rather trivial to him, in the sense of both attraction and identity. if he lived in a more enlightened time, he would identify as agender.

he is somehow both the most innocent and the most disturbed boy you will ever meet. its an unsettling combo.

hes so curious about everything. seriously. hes basically only been in the world for like 3 years ok theres SO much he doesnt know and he wants to LEARN

especially curious about families and hometowns and human relationships bc that shits all like, bizarre and surreal to him lol

will hover silently around you until you directly address him or tell him to stop, and maybe even after that

catch him crossing boundaries constantly (figurative and physical, hes just as likely to ask you if your mother loved you cause it seems like probs not as to play with your hair without permission)

hell apologize like crazy if you call him on it tho, he just literally has no sense of like, how human interaction is supposed to work

like hes faked it ok-ish for the last few years but only because he mostly keeps his mouth shut and moves around a lot yknow? hes self aware enough to know he’s not human-ing right, but not self aware enough to actually learn how to human right

hes basically illiterate :( he never had any formal schooling and pretty much everything he knows about letters and numbers he learned from sesame street. if he tries really hard he can decipher basic things like street signs and menus to some degree, but most of the time he just fakes it

hes an open book in that hell answer just about any question truthfully (at least within the club) and will sometimes casually spout some very personal, truly disturbing shit like its nothing, but hes not the type to ever just bare his soul, and its doubtful anyone in the club knows his whole story

for him, killing is less about the actual act, and more about the access to a body. he loves exploring. he plays with his food, so to speak.

he has a complicated relationship with killing in general, due mostly to his mixed feelings about hank. he doesnt want to be like hank, but he also feels a bloodlust that he cant deny. he thinks about killing most people that he interacts with, but he suppresses the urges as best he can. when he does kill, its in an almost disassociative state- his usually careful demeanor becomes delirious and vicious.

connection ideas —

( note: many of these could overlap, or be filled by multiple people )

the person who introduced him to the kill club !! probably someone drifter-y or sketchy who would swim in the same semi-homeless circles he does. ie. knows him from that spot under the bridge where kids get stoned or that abandoned strip mall with all the mattresses and burned-out oil drums in it or some place like that. my son doesnt really fuck with institutions.

someone whose couch he crashes on currently/occasionally. could be anyone who doesnt mind a hover-y waif of a boy and a big growl-y dog in their space (or,,,, come to think of it, someone who DOES mind,,,)

which is a prefect segue to: someone who hates this kid. in my totally biased opinion, hes crazy lovable, but maybe your character doesnt like being asked a ton of personal questions? maybe they just find it creepy how he hovers around everyone? maybe theyre unsettled by how his eyes go all black like an excited cat when he gets to play with someones innards? maybe they knew one of them women he helped hank kidnap/murder???? idk man the skys the limit

on the other hand, how about someone who takes on a parental/big sibling type role? someone who disregards all the fucked up shit about him and just sees a lost and confused little boy who so desperately needs someone to take care of him and teach him stuff

a best friend???? hes never really had any friends at all so idk how this would go down but its worth a shot????

someone who,, kind of takes up the mantle that hank left empty? a manipulator who sees JD as the well-conditioned beta bitch that he is and uses him for their own gain

uhhhhh maybe someone he somehow knew before the kill club and is shocked to find there?? they probably wouldnt be as shocked tho he has a certain ~vibe about him lol

idk i think thats all ive got for now but im super open to other ideas hmu yo god bless

[herbalzee]

Get to know me tag!!!

Five Things You’ll Find In My Bag

   1. headphones (always!)    2. at least 50 hair ties    3. a full bottle of perfume    4. free pens from like everywhere    5. lots of tissues lmao

Five Things In My Bedroom:

a fish tank! i love my lil fishies

shoe cabinet

a Moriarty (from Sherlock BBC) calendar of him saying “Miss me?”. I love it

a small yellow chair!  

a color-coordinated bookshelf!!!

Five Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do In My Life:

learn sign language!

travel all over europe

write my own book

become a therapist

have kids!! and pets!!!

Five Things That Make Me Happy:

hanging with friends!!

listening to music, podcasts and ASMR

watching movies

doing artistic things?? idek what that means but like i love going to operas and theaters and taking aesthetic pictures and being creative, shit like that

talking, ranting, expressing my opinions comfortably, theorizing, brainstorming

Five Things On My To-Do List:

read books

hang with friends

write short stories- or write in general lmao

travel!!!

prepare for uni... i need to seriously do that

Five Things People May Not Know About Me:

i am passionate about psychology

i had an obsession with piercings and tattoos when i was younger

i had the yellow belt in karate when i was in practice

im very old school about silly things yet quite liberal about the serious stuff

im basically in love with malmo, sweden

Name?: zaina

Nicknames?: zee

Zodiac?: sagittarius

Sexual Orientation?: straight

Ethnicity?: middle eastern/ north african

Favorite Fruit?: mango!!!!

Favorite Season?: winter

Favorite Flower?: after a quick flower research, i found the soft pink spray roses and the blue hydrangea the most appealing to me

Favorite Scent?: vanilla! cocoa! banana-scented stuff (or generally fruit-scented stuff). old books!!! 

Favorite Animal?: bees!! or just any domesticated animals honestly (that can be kept at homes or farms)

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate?: tea

Cat or dog?: dogs

Dream Trip?: a boat travelling all around western europe!!!

Number of Followers?: i dont really care about this stuff

What do I post about?: any posts containing message worth-spreading, funny content or aesthetically-pleasing stuff..

Do I get asks on a regular basis?: nope! so famous that i had to close my ask box 

Favorite Band?: twentyone pilots, little mix, imagine dragons, coldplay, hey violet, abba (almost forgot them omg)

Aesthetic?: cinematography, animals and nature, books and libraries, literally anything vintage, multicultures, feminism and femininity. i cant think of other stuff but im majorly into art

Fictional Character I’d Date?: john bender from the breakfast club!!!!

Hogwarts House?: ravenclaw

Rules: BOLD the statements that are true for you!

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for under a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

FANDOMS ARE MY #1 PASSION

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I’m in a relationship

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close at my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the united states

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CD’s

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

I have made a new friend in the past year

Relationship status: single

Favorite color: purple, blue, green

Lipstick or Chapstick: lipstick!!

Last song I listened to: hard times by paramore

Last movie I watched: The Boss Baby

Top three TV shows:

(btw these three tv shows are the only shows ive ever watched and actually finished lmao)

BBC Sherlock

Clique

Yuri! on ice

Top three characters:

These are the ones that came to mind first, not top favorites

Sherlock (Sherlock BBC)

Todd Anderson (Dead poets society)

Savannah Karlsen (Girl, interrupted)

rules: copy/paste and replace my answers with yours and tag people :^)

a - age: 17 
b - biggest fear: my actual biggest fear is too personal so im gonna say my second biggest fear: not achieving anything valuable in my life  
c - current time: 3 am lmao 
d - drink you last had: a peach detox lmao 
e - every day starts with: checking phone  f - favorite song: of all time or currently? ive never had an all time favorite but right now my favorite song is hard times by paramore (mainly the chorus bc its awesome) 
g - ghosts, are they real: only the ones in our heads 
h - hometown: a.d. 
i - in love with: psychology 
j - jealous of: productive people 
k - killed someone: ... 
l - last time you cried: literally yesterday..  m - middle name: dont have one  
n - number of siblings: eins (one) 
o - one wish: to be satisfied with who i am and what i have p - person you last called/texted: im talking to my friend on the phone right now as im doing this.. shes the one who so kindly guided me to these fun questions q - questions you’re always asked: “why are you so quiet?” “what major are you getting into and at which university?”  
r - reasons to smile: youre very much well and alive!!

s - song last sang: i was having a fetus 1d songs marathon at like 2 am the other day so... definitely the entire up all night album

t - time you woke up: these days.. 12 pm, bc im tired and its my holiday 
u - underwear color: ohhhh boi v - vacation destination: anywhere cold filled with warm people 
w - worst habit: procrastination 
x - x-rays you’ve had: the most recent one i remember is a chest x ray y - your favorite food: pasta 
z - zodiac sign: sagittarius

post a screenshot of my lock screen, home screen, and last song played

RULES: Choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions. Then tag some friends.

I choose:

bbc sherlock

clique

yuri! on ice

The first character you loved:

ohhh, first was sherlock! then john almost 0.001 secs later

im pretty sure it was elizabeth. shes the cutest and i relate to her the most

probably Minako Okukawa, because shes so charming and funny

The character you never expected to love so much:

mrs hudson!!!!

louise!!! shes so smart and gorgeous and the least involved in the drama

yurio!!! i used to dislike him lmao but now hes my son

The character you relate to most:

molly hooper

like i said above, elizabeth!

ohh definitely yuri

The character you’d slap

john because sherlock suffered sooo much for him and opened his heart only to be abandoned because john is a naive idiot who still cant tell sherlock’s NOT a sociopath

SO MANY bc almost all of them did shitty things.. but the ones id slap right on sight are Alistair and the Steiner dude

ohmygod no, theyre all pure!! probably yurio bc that kid needs to love himself (but id immediately hug him right after)

Three favorite characters (these are in order of preference):

sherlock & john (one answer), mrs hudson, WIGGINS

holly, rachel, and fay (elizabeth and jude too)

the obvious trio: yuri, victor and yurio

A character you liked at first but not so much anymore:

mary lmao

alistair. i was a little suspicious of him but i liked him at the beginning bc he was cute and innocent. i HATE him now obviously

i love them all.. theres not a single one i dislike

A character you did not like at first, but they’ve grown on you:

ahahah mycroft

 uh georgia

christopher and JJ (but now i love them both so much)

[b00bstone]

All the even numbers!

thats a lot. and 72 was repeated twice but i had to renumber them since i copied and pasted adn forgot it was repeated. but anyway. 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

mostly shy i think but i can be outgoing if im comfortable. 

4 Are you easy to get along with?

not really. i can be quite moody. and i unfortunately have a short temper (which im trying to work on) and im depressed adn suicidal so i think the answer is no. 

6 What kind of people are you attracted to?

smart funny ones. 

8Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my friend the nerd because i was talking to them and my friend rabbit earlier. 

10Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist since we talked just earlier today.

12What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

1.awkward by hailey knox

2 beautiful girl by sara barielles 

3. plot twist by sigrid

4 waving through a window from dear evan hansen 

and 5. dissapear also from dear evan hansen.

14Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah but my luck is shitty and miracles happen to other people. so basically yes but not for me lmao

16Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah. if she were down. but like shes really straight. so i doubt she would be.

18Do you still talk to your first crush?

occasionally. hes a dick now tho. fraternity guy. and voted for trump.

20Do you like your neighbors?

well the ones i know are pretty cool. 

22Where would you like to travel?

narnia. one of those planets they discovered that are super far away but similar to earth. but like on this planet? probs travel around europe. 

24Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to bed. 

26What do you do when you wake up?

lie there and try to go back to sleep. 

28Who are you most comfortable around?

probs my friend rabbit.

30Do you ever want to get married?

one day yeah. but only if i find the right person u know. 

32Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

oohhhh ummm hmmm. chris pratt. aubrey plaza and john boyega. i feel like aubrey would bring a sarcastic element which would help with the pressure and nervousness and john and chris. well u can just see in their eyes that theyre really gentle people that will treat u right. 

34do you play sports? What sports?

hahaha no. ive always wanted to dance and/or be on a swimteam. but my lungs hate me

36Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

i think ive only told like 1 or 2 people that ive liked that i liked them. and ive liked a lot of people so yes. i have hidden that i liked someone before. many many times.

38Describe your dream girl/guy?

theyre taller than me. i dunno why but ive always liked wavy/curly hair. not blonde. or brunette. so that leaves unnatural hair color or black or red. good bone structure. theyre really smart. like they know lots of stuff academically but theyre also just generally smart u know. and they know lots of lil random facts about random things. really nice. but not in like a sugar nice way but more like sun beams when it feels like theyre warming u from the inside kinda nice. kind eyes. color doesnt really matter since i keep changing my mind. strong. but not necessarily muscular. i want them to be able to pick me up and twirl me around but not like theyve got a sixpack or anything. sixpacks are kinda weird looking tbh. wed have to have most of the same values. not too talkative but not like ALWAYS quiet. theyd prefer staying in most weekend and watchng shows but dont mind the occassional night out. theyd like the beach. because what kind of crazy person doesnt like the beach (people that dont beach right thats who). theyd also like biking and hiking and swimming. very much an animal person. not lazy. good listener. intuitive. would understand that some days i just cant fucking stand physical touch. and others i crave it in a way ive never craved anything before. and other days its kinda meh whatever. people that take interest in what im interested in because im interested in it. and whose interests are cool. because i love to take interest in things my friends are interested in but sometimes its so boring. nothing particular comes to mind. but im sure its happened. someone who doesnt check up on me when im crying. because tbh i hate it when people do that. unless its through texting or a phone call. but like people in person asking “are u ok?” while im sobbing my eyes out? fuck no go away. someone who understands that im really fucking bad with words. and sometimes me trying to say something will take a while and it may not make sense. theyd be patient. they wouldnt mock me. or be manipulative. and i think this list is long enough.

40What do you want to do after high school?

travel the world and end up famous, but not like papparazzi following me famous. famous like i appear on snl every once in a while and drop bangers or rad filsm or whatever i do and thats all.  what will i probs end up doing? crying a lot and going to community college. and applying to as many colleges as i have the energy to. 

42If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

it might mean im busy. or just listening. or really pissed off. or upset. or just have nothing to say. 

44Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space. 

46What are you paranoid about?

everything

48Have you ever been drunk?

not yet. but sometimes i want to be

50What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

blue i think?

52 One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

everything. but like one specific thing? id like to get rid of my depression, fears, and this brain fog that haunts me

.54 Favourite store?

trader joes or target

56Favourite color?

yellow

58 Last thing you ate?

well rn im eating plain potato chips and mayo (please dont judge me. i know its disgusting)

60Ever won a competition? For what?

i used to do mma i won like one or two of those. i also run a riding competition once. 

62Been arrested? For what?

not yet. but im sure one day i will be.

64tell us the story of your first kiss?

we were in her parents bathroom and were 7. thats all i remember. havent kissed anyone since. which isnt for lack of wanting to.

68Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont really have any tumblr friends that arent my real friends yet? so like i cant answer that.

70 Twitter or Tumblr?

well i spend all my time here and not on twitter so lets go with tumblr. altho i do have a twitter im never on

72Names of your best friends?

adi, heather, rabecca, joaquin, celestine. 

74What colour are your towels?

blue, red and white. and theres some hawaiin print ones and a yellow one. 

76How many pillows do you sleep with?

3... 

78How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like 40? dont judge. i kept asking as a kid and my parents kept giving them to me for christmas and my birthday. they should have stopped. 

80What colour is your underwear?

rn its grey. but its not the only color i have

82Favourite ice cream flavor?

fuck. ummmmm coffee?

84What colour pants?

rn theyre black. but on the front of the thighs they have zebra striping. 

86Favourite movie?

thats not an easy question to answer. im gonna say bringing up baby just because. 

90Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

both? i mean i prefer mean girls a lil more bu 21 jumpstreet isnt bad either

92 Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory. we are both scatterbrained. 

94Last person you talked to today?

adi. but like in person? rabbit and the nerd. 

96Name a person you love?

celestine. (not romantically)

98In a fight with someone?

not as far as i know. but i always kinda feel like im in a fight with monkey. 

100How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 4? i know i know i dont have very many. 

102Favourite actress?

aubrey plaza. 

104Do you tan a lot?

nope. i try at least once every summer. but my skin either stays as pale as snow or i burn really bad then my skin shift to a slightly more offwhite shade of snow. 

106. How are you feeling?

blergh. potato chips and mayo are really gross. and im tired and sick of people telling me shit. 

108Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret everything ive ever done. 

110Do you miss anyone from your past?

well there is this one guy i used to talk to but i miss the attention and not him so that doesnt count. i kinda miss a friend of mine named shannon from elementary school sunday school

112Ever broken someone’s heart?

i dont think so. 

114What should you be doing?

school. but ive given up on that. so. 

.116 Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

oh yeah. ive liked 2 peoplethat much. altho i barely knew the first person and it was more me projecting my ideals of the prefect person onto them. 

118Who was the last person you cried in front of?

probs my therapist. 

120Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah. i was just in virginia last week. i live in california so id say thats definitely out of state. 

122Are you listening to music right now?

nope. 

124Do you like Chinese food?

americanized or traditional? americanized: yessss that shit i shte bomb. traditional? i dont know ive never had it. 

126Are you afraid of the dark?

yes. very. i need a light source or i start to panic. 

.128 Is cheating ever okay?

like on a partner or on a test or something? on a partner? no way. u should never do that. like thatll really fuck them up and make them mistrustful for the rest of their life. on a test? if its necessary sure go for it. i dont care. im not ur teacher. 

130Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah. but its not something thatll ever happen to me lmao.

132. Are you currently bored?

im always bored. 

134 Would you change your name?

last name? yes 100% absolutely. first name? maybe. 

136Do you like subway?

like the sandwich shop? fuck no! the first time i ate it i threw up. the second time was ok. and thei third time i got serious stomach cramps afterwards. it was these awful sharp shooting pains all through my stomach. 

138Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist. 

140Can you count to one million?

theoretically? yes. but will i? no 

142Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed! my closet freaks me out but the office across from my bedroom freaks me out more. and also like i dont want cats walking on my face. or to wake up at 7 am and find that my dog has taken up the very middle of the bed. 

144Curly or Straight hair?

rn? mostly straight. but when it gets longer it kinda curls a  lil. 

146Summer or Winter?

yes. i like both. dont make me choose. 

148 Favourite month?

july. thats when im born so it has to be my fav. 

150Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

152Was today a good day?

no. 

154What’s your favourite quote?

in the beginning the universe was created a lot of people regard t as a bad move. and i messed that quote up. but yeah. 

156Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

the terms braided and woven refer to the structure of the elastic. 

[tigren]

im going to do the 30 day neopet challenge but im going to do it in one post under a readmore bc i will almost certainly forget it within the first week if i do it the proper way, i don’t think anyone is going to care about my responses in particular and i don’t want to spam people daily, and most importantly: im super bored right now

Day 01: When did you start playing Neopets and how old is your current account?

my first account got purged but i saved the date that i created it. i had my 14 year neopets anniversary last month WOW!!! my current account will turn 11 in may.

Day 02: How did you find out about Neopets?

i think my brother made a neopets account when he was like 10ish, he didn’t get super into it but my dad also made an account and got really involved with the site!! i was like 6 or 7 and i just really liked poogle solitaire (rip). i don’t think i actually knew how to play but it amused me and my dad let me continue playing because he got stuff for it. but eventually i guess he got sick of me being on my account and made one for me. my first username was bleubaby_72, which is named after a doll i had as a much younger child (Blue Baby, misspelled) and i don’t think the 72 means anything. my first pet was a yellow aisha whose name i don’t remember... my dream pet was a desert aisha (would still die for a UC desert aisha, i wouldn’t say theyre my fave but THE SENTIMENTAL VALUE.......)

Day 03: Favourite Neopets species?

i love boris! and yurbles recently shot up my list of fave pets, but i don’t like a lot of their colors. i generally prefer neopets that are mammalian (but not as a rule necessarily) and have features of real animals but can’t necessarily be pinpointed as a certain real species. like, aishas and wockies are cats, gelerts and lupes are dogs, grarrls are tyrannosaurus rex, elephantes are duh. and thats fine and good i still like a lot of those species! but yurbles for example have that hedgehog/bear thing going on but they also have their weird spiral ears and neck ruff. and thats my favorite thing. 

i also really like unis because i’ve been a horse girl since childhood n never grew out of it, and they have great colors. and aishas were my first fave and will always be one of my favorites. so i can appreciate pets that can more easily be represented by 1 animal. 

Day 04: How many pets do you own and which is your favourite?

ummmmmm 14 i think? there might be a few other pets rotting on sides that i kinda forgot about, i’m too lazy to check. Abbur is my favorite, he’s my pink bori baby boy and i just care about him with all my heart. i really like his customization and none of my pets have any real “stories” or anything but most of them have vague personalities and histories and his is more developed than any of my other pets. Alabryss is another fave, i’ve had him for FOREVER and he’s always been a uni but he’s gone thru a billion color changes. he’s royal now and will almost definitely be royal for the rest of his life. his name is a misspelling of the petpet Alabriss (i think i made him 1 day after they were released) which i didn’t totally do on purpose.. like obviously i got the name from the petpet but i didn’t realize until a while later that i had subconsciously used it. anyway i’m not complaining, i still love him and he has an alabriss petpet named yuni

Day 05: Favourite Paint Brush colour?

OHH HBOY that’s hard!!! off the top of my head w/o looking through colors or anything i like royal and desert bc they’re generally more Elaborate w/ the clothes options and stuff. but i also have a big appreciation for cheap colors like cloud and ghost.. they look good on almost every pet imo. i like starry a lot too, big obnoxious iconic neopets stars. i especially like when starry pets have orange accents.

Day 06: Favourite Labray only colour?

is robot labray only? robot is cool. i guess there’s the robot zapper thing from the dr sloth plot forever ago but does that count?? i think chocolate would be my next choice. i can’t even remember all the labray only colors

Day 07: Favourite Petpet species?

this is so hard!!! i’ve always loved petpets SOO much. i’ve recently started to have a big appreciation for the super like.. generic, classic petpets.. like the kinds youd find in the neopia central petpet shop. they have a certain charm to them and i love them. i’ve always liked crokabeks a lot, theyre sooooo square shaped!! square crows! gruslen & doglefox were my faves as a kid. 

Day 08: Favourite Petpet colour?

birthday is rly cute

Day 09: Favourite Petpetpet species?

uhhhhh i don’t know all the petpetpets and never had THAT much of an interest in them. what’s the one that looks like a praying mantis??? i’ve always liked those

ok wait i just looked up a list and petpetpets can be p cute actually. i still like the praying mantis dude, moach, but i also love: cooty, fleaf, lightmite, and zytch. i don’t tend to like art of petpetpets in games and stuff but they’re cute in their regular images.. theyre so small......

Day 10: Favorite Neopian world?

UHHHHHHH since i was a kid i’ve always liked: faerieland, lost desert, and mystery island.

Day 11: Which team do you pick for the Altador Cup and why?

always darigan citadel. i don’t really know why i picked it my first year... i was never like an Edgy Goth Kid or anything. they got 2nd place the first year and i thought that was awesome, and i had also gotten involved with a really fun DC chat group so i joined them again the next year. then they won and that was awesome!! other people in the chat group started joining other teams and there was no reason it needed to be a DC only group (it was called the 30 trillionaires... our “goal” every year was to collectively make it to 30 trillion goals during the season. which is impossible but idk that was what made it kind of fun i guess.. it was just casual yooyuball grinding and chatting with friends lol) so i wasn’t “stuck” with the team but even after they stopped doing so well i stuck with them out of loyalty. i used to be SUPER into the altador cup but i lost touch w/ the chat group and never got into it again

Day 12: Favourite Avatar?

ANOTHER HARD QUESTION!! i’ve always LOVED the bon appetite kelp one.. which i still don’t have. generally i prefer the “older” style of avatars where they were simpler, mostly animated but in a simple way and a lot of the time w/ pixel art elements. i feel like a lot of newer avatars have a way heavier focus on animation, like theyre just lil gifs, they lost a lot of that simplicity. i also tend to be biased toward avatars that have odd shapes rather than just being squares. like gloomy and jazzmosis and taelia. even the circle ones that still have regular borders are pleasing to me

Day 13: Which chat boards do you usually chat in?

i don’t use the boards much... i lurk newbie chat a lot and sometimes try to get involved and talk w/ people but i never keep it up. i was an avatar chat girl as a kid and that’s still the place i feel the most comfortable i guess.

Day 14: Are you in a guild?

nope! i LOOOOOVED guilds and 10 year old me would be so upset to find out that i’m not involved in the Guild Life anyway. imo it’d be really cool if guilds got a rehaul.

Day 15: Favourite Faerie?

mira is my girl.. i like the battle faerie a lot too but i can’t remember her name. 

Day 16: Do you have a gallery and does it have a theme?

i have one created but i don’t even know what’s in there, i don’t pay much attention to it. i think i just have a few plushies and petpets and random items i thought were cute or charming. i like the idea of one day having a guild with a cool theme.

Day 17: Do you use the Battledome?

not really. i have my dad’s old account now with a super super powerful battle pet (he was Famous in the BD and i think for a while his pet was one of the most powerful pets on the whole site) so i guess i should take advantage of that but i don’t

Day 18: Do you use the NC Mall?

nah... i use the free NC when i get it, usually. i think i have some accrued on a few different accounts that i just don’t use. it’s kind of a pain in the ass to worry about NC items in customizations on diff side accounts. 

Day 19: Favourite shop to shop at?

i rarely even look at neopets shops lol. when i was younger i really liked the faerieland petpet shop. that’s all i got for u

Day 20: Favourite game?

i feel obligated to say spinacles bc it’s my blog title but i don’t even like spinacles, i’m just good at it and there were a good few months when i got a good number of people who aren’t normally super into neopets obsessed w/ beating my score and it Amused me. i’m not even like a spinacles Master but i do know how to get gold Very easily. anyway uhhh i think let it slide is fun and i’m fairly good at it but i hate playing it for np because it feels like it takes forever and it gets boring. i feel the same way about assignment 51 which i also like the Aesthetic of a lot. i have a love/hate relationship with ultimate bullseye II

Day 21: How many items are currently in your Safety Deposit Box?

Items: 1,900 | Qty: 2,828

Day 22: Whats the most amount of Neopoints you’ve ever had at one time?

i hit 8mil recently and then spent some of it on a royal pb. i had planned on going for 10mil before spending any (so i can get that sweet bank account upgrade) but i got impatient. 

Day 23: Do you use the Stock Market?

occasionally. i don’t check it every day but i have a decent portfolio

Day 24: Favourite Daily (ex. Coltzan’s Shrine, Tombola, etc.)?

i kinda like the discarded blue grundo plushie or w/e in faerieland. i don’t know his whole stupid name but i remember when he was just a tiny pixel in faerieland that didn’t do anything, so it’s cute that he’s a daily now and gets visited by people more often. 

Day 25: Do you decorate your Neohome(s)?

not at all

Day 26: What is a Paint Brush colour TNT should release next?

honestly why dont they just make pet pb colors out of colors that are currently petpet exclusive? birthday and valentine? fuckin.. picnic might be harder to execute but it’s out there and it’s a fun one. 

Day 27: Favourite hero? Favourite Villian?

i’m not as educated about neopets lore as i’d like to be i think..... i like nabile, shes a hero right?? and i’ve always like balthazar. he’s a piece of shit. 

Day 28: Favourite plot or site event?

my biggest regret is not being more involved in plots as a kid :( i read the comics but didnt participate. i really liked the LDP comic and wish i’d been part of the actual puzzles and stuff. 

Day 29: Are there certain items you collect?

i kind of collect cute petpets, i love them and don’t usually get rid of them once i acquire them. same with cute plushies. also i like the poorly drawn items from the “artists day off” days, smelly jelly is one of my faves i think

Day 30: Why do you like Neopets?

there’s... so much to do!!!! like yeah the site is dying and jumpstart is digging its own grave and sooo many parts of the site are dead or broken or whatever but there’s still just, always a new goal to strive toward and a new thing to get into and i think that’s cool.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”.