#i try to limit my Thoughts on tumblr and failing a lot

[leatherbookmark]

DLed my twt archive and wow 2019 me was so good at japanese

[aethesfaelibrarae]

Mouthwashing has given me a lot of brain worms and we've got thoughts—time to share them with the hungry void that is Tumblr. One of the last places I'm 90% certain my words won't show up stolen or regurgitated by machine.

Warning for spoilers about the game and rambling!

I believe that Mouthwashing is a modern-day Lolita. The storytelling is similar, in that, almost against their own better judgement and will, the audience finds themselves thinking like our unreliable narrator(s).

Most people.. Sorry, some people have cottoned on to the fact that Anya's personality is not that of a scared, timid and ultimately, useless nurse and she's been in fight or flight response for months now with no other choice but to fawn. As someone who has been in a similar situation for only one day a week for months, the fear only got worse, the longer I went without support. And the things that she does in the background.. No doubt similar to the way that Daisuke kept track of their food supply was brushed over and unsung.. So is the fact that Anya has been keeping a severe burn victim—with 4th degree burns so severe, any treatment we currently have is experimental and expensive.. If the pain does not kill you first—she's been keeping Curly alive for months with no help and incredibly minimal supplies. (I personally think that Anya probably was on the side of giving him an easier death or maybe even suggested a gentler way of giving him medicine—but (sterile) syringes in space? Limited water? An especially dismissive Swansea and go with the flow Daisuke?.. Easier to try and give Jimmy what he wants.)

But. I believe that people overlook the ways in which Catastrophe Jim's perspective on Curly twists our own. Pre-Crash Curly exists upon a pedestal—a good man, better than Jimmy could ever hope to be; a good, well-liked captain. Well-off, better looking (I say this because of the similarities in how Jimmy mentally views himself in similar shape and age as Curly) and still reaching for more. For better. People catch the underlying jealous and resentment for the life that Jimmy wants at all cost but.. They miss the pedestal. The miss the fact that if Jimmy says that Curly's better than he is, a good and better Captain.. That means that Curly is doing the bare fucking minimum: keeping them all alive year after year. Curly is a nice captain with the capacity to soothe over minor issues and keep a cool head and keep the crew on schedule.. But he is not a good one. He's not even a good person. Not really. Jimmy thinks of him as a good person, puts him on this pedestal that he's foaming at the mouth with excitement to pull him off of. Dirty the golden boy and spit on his silver-threaded bootstraps once and for all.

Except.. What evidence do we have that Curly is especially liked or respected? Where is this cheering crew? Where is Curly good?

Curly is a human, at the end of the day.

And.. Which comes to my more complicated and no doubt contriversal take... Curly is also a victim of Jimmy stuck in fawn response. This doesn't absolve him of the ways in which he failed the crew but Anya especially by letting Jimmy run amok and failing to take any action while he still had the chance. He stood by when Anya begins to hint at something beneath the shiny veneer of a happy tight-knit crew and most damningly, he stood by as Jimothy entered the cockpit immediately after suggesting a plan to kill everyone aboard.

I genuinely.. Genuinely.. Don't know what he thought would happen.

But he does take action.. And his last action is what makes he and Anya swap places. Except.. Not truly.

Yes, they are in similar situations—vulnerable to the whims of a psychotic madman with an inferiority complex and their plight largely ignored by the crew; a necessary sacrifice to keep the peace.. Just until safe harbor—but where Anya begins to gain autonomy and some relief from Jimmy no longer having a need for her.. Curly finds himself the center of Jimmy's world.

And that is not a great place to be in.

Curly is systemically isolated (bad-mouthed to the crew over and over again, berated publicly, blamed for an awful accident that Jimmy caused) and his torture and abuse mirrors the continuous, silent medical, emotional and physical abuse that many disabled people face. And almost in a worse way, his voice is stolen from him and used in such insidious inspiration porn.. A lot of people think that he actually said those things.

But we won't know. And if he did say these things.. Why does Jimmy only seem to (mis)understand them in the final acts? Recalling them in Curly's voice but not as the Captain but as a savior, his last charitable act to wipe the ledger of blood clean.

Jimmy doesn't want to see Curly better. He likes feeling useful. He enjoys having Curly watch him and in the same breath, he loathes it. He wants Curly's judgement. He wants Curly's praise. He wants.. Everything that makes Curly Curly.

Curly as a silent observer isn't remarked on often.. Nor is the fact that more than likely, the others heard Curly's sobs of pain from the medbay. But Curly is very conscious, very aware and very alone in his thoughts.

There's a point in which the perspective changes during Swansea's mercy killing—a gift that no one offers Curly—and once again, Curly is stuck watching all of his mistakes play out, one after the other. Unable to do anything but laugh.

But is it a laugh or a sob? Jimmy doesn't care and neither does the player—what's important is the objective: the gun. 739. Click. He steps over Anya's body like it's not even there and runs away.

We don't find out what set Swansea off—maybe Jimmy couldn't help himself and said something about Daisuke or Anya that blamed them. Maybe it was something else. Curly watches on. Helplessly.

There's something to be said about the black screens and the static that occurs when Jimmy hurts Curly or kills Swansea—like he's cutting the memory off before the guilt can get to him. And it's the same thing I'd like to bring up about Curly's voice. Yes, it takes a lot to speak without lips.. Or from what it looks like a tongue.. But there are more noises Curly can make. Noises that can refute Jimmy.

And in the same way that he's at the precipice of something so terrifying he keeps returning to the same spot that's slowly killing him, he's learned that fighting is useless.

It's 2 months after the crash when see Jimmy's perspective again, after all. And while Anya's requests for help seem to be new.. Who's to say that the beatings are?

The worse type of abuse is the type that leaves no bruises. After all, Curly cries all the time in pain.. What's the difference here?

To cycle back to my original point in this.. I don't see a lot of people consider Post-Crash Curly's living hell as another facet of Jimmy's abuse going unchecked by the people around him as anything other than comeuppance. As Karma. And it's the coldest take I've seen from the fandom so far. Allow me to reheat it up for you: disability so severe that you must rely on others is not divine punishment. It's not just desserts. Just as disabled people are your infantilazed, idealized, inspirational iron woobie that can take pain and push through it.. They are also not being punished by the divine. They are humans and sometimes shit just happens and it sucks.

The way that Jimmy views Post-Crash Curly as a saving prop.. Proof that he can indeed fix it.. is so normalized that as the audience, it can be something that you aim to achieve–one of the earliest and easiest achievements you can get is opening and closing Curly's mouth like a mannequin.

There's a relief that we share when Curly shuts up. There's a shutdown in empathy when Jimmy brutalizes him. Up until we can no longer look away.

Because Jimmy can no longer look away. And that is the chilling part of all this. Jimmy gets away with it—all of it—because of the crew's inability to overcome their own apathetic acceptance of the monster in their midst.

Just like most people accept the main character from Lolita as a gentleman, the crew accepts Jimmy as a guy. A little rough and short-tempered but what do you expect from blue collar work? Hold your nose, it'll be over in a year. In 8 months. In 10. Soon. It'll be over soon.

I can't help but worry if Jimmy weren't so bad at being likable and if he were even a smidgen of the charismatic mastermind, he so clearly wants to be..

We'd have another Valentino on our hands.

Mouthwashing is a horror that I can't help but devour. FEAST, indeed.

[2baabbies]

🖤 Obsessed (Hyunjin x Reader) 🖤

Pairings: established relationship hyunjin x reader

Words: 3800

Summary: Hyunjin’s jealous streak ends with you finding him in a compromising position. AKA: in your bed, masturbating while wearing your shirt.

(somewhat inspired by Olivia Rodrigo’s song by the same name; quote at the beginning also from this song)

Fluff + Smut + Humour

afab + fem!reader

CWs: jealousy (but make it cute and silly), reader is trying to make hyunjin jealous but only because it makes them both horny (and he’s a drama queen), he’s only a bit insecure, the point of contention is a big shirt but reader’s weight is not described (aka this fic is not limited to any one body size), reader and hyunjin have exes, reader lets hyunjin make assumptions that she teases him about later

Smut Tags: lots of teasing!!, (subtle) subby!hyune x dom!reader, intercourse (peanits in vagina), safe sex/use of condom, a bit of rough sex/uncomfortable position, reader has a kink for hyunjin’s desperation, begging, hair pulling, overstim, slight dumbification of reader, slightly pervy!hyune (smelling your clothes), hyunjin masturbates in your shirt (described in detail), little bit of voyeurism, bit of cum eating

!!ATTENTION!!

Reposting this fic to other platforms, including as a translation, is expressly prohibited. Do not copy, alter, or claim this fic as your own. Absolutely no permission is given to anyone to post my works, even with credit, and this fic should only appear on Ao3 or Tumblr under my accounts. Reposting is not only plagiarism, but a direct violation of my wishes as the original writer and owner. Please respect writers and don’t steal!

Likes, reblogs, asks and comments are very welcome and appreciated <3

~~~

‘And I know you love me, and I know it's crazy

But every time you call my name, I think you mistake me for her

You both have moved on, you don't even talk

But I can't help it, I got issues, I can't help it, baby’

It takes Hyunjin’s brain a second to register that something is wrong, and a second after that to actually take a look at himself and attempt to decipher what feels so off. He is still buffering when you return to your bedroom. You giggle at his bedhead and the cute expression on his face as he grabs the hem of his shirt and holds it up. He thought he had grabbed his white tshirt off the floor, and in his morning daze he had actually grabbed one of yours that you were too lazy to throw in the morning laundry. The graphic tee is far too big on him, even hanging off his shoulder, but you get a good look at the boxers he pulled on seconds before thanks to his hands lifting it up above his stomach. He drops the material and it falls down over his lap, unfortunately covering his soft tummy and pale thighs. He looks up then blinks away his sleep as you enter with a basket of clean laundry. You hold up his shirt and you giggle again at his sleepy smile.

“Looking for this?”

He nods and watches you drop the basket on the bed. You pull each freshly washed garment out for him and he shuffles over to loop his arms around your waist from behind.

“You let me sleep in…”

“You wouldn’t get up, sleeping beauty.”

He huffs and pecks the nape of your neck.

“You didn’t try hard enough…”

“Mhm, sure. You look cute in that.”

You admire him over your shoulder as he leans back and plucks the baggy fabric between his fingers.

“It doesn’t fit me…”

“I think that’s where the cuteness comes in.”

“I’m always cute…”

“That… I don’t disagree with that.”

He chuckles and turns you around so he can properly embrace you. You smile at him and nudge your noses together with a fond smile. He hums and nuzzles back gently, drawing your body tight to his with a content sigh.

“It’s so cozy… How come I hardly see you wearing it?”

You fail to realize at first that he is back to talking about the shirt, and take a moment of silence to contemplate his question.

“I wear it all the time. I think it’s just always dirty, I try to put something cleaner on when I know you’re coming over.”

You both laugh at your honesty.

“It’s really soft.”

“Well, I’d offer to buy you one but I don’t know where it came from.”

“What do you mean?”

“Someone left it over a while ago…”

You do not regret the words when they leave your mouth, but you can do little to fight your smirk as Hyunjin’s lips draw into a tight line. He then purses his lips and puffs his cheeks in a dramatic pout.

“Who?”

“Don’t be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous. Tell me who.”

You roll your eyes. Hyunjin was privy to the history of all your exes, situationships, and sexual escapades. You knew about his too. It had been relieving to be able to talk so candidly about your experiences with him, and it definitely allowed the two of you to become close early on in your relationship. There was something therapeutic about snuggling with your lover and bitching about the ones that let you down.

It did not, however, curb Hyunjin’s jealousy in the slightest. He knew their names, how long you were together, if you still talked, he even knew where some of them lived and worked. It would be alarming if you had not both offered all that information to each other willingly. And you knew, ultimately, Hyunjin would never restrict you from having a friendship with any of the exes you still talked to. Although you would never admit it, you treated his jealousy as a testament of his love. He only cared so much because he cared about you. Besides, it was a natural emotion, and the fact that he was willing to  be so emotionally available did more for you than anything your exes ever did.

“We don’t even talk anymore, Hyune. I don’t think she’s even in this country.”

“She. She. Oh god, I know who it is.”

“No, you don’t-”

He falls out of your arms and to the bed with a heavy thud, wailing incoherently as you observe his theatrics.

“She’s the worst!”

“Well, that’s why we’re not friends anymore…”

He suddenly thrashes and tears the shirt off with an animalistic grunt. You cock your eyebrow up and watch him roll around in vain when it gets stuck on his chin. He manages to pull it off and whips it at the floor, breathless after his performance.

“Are you okay?” You ask.

“I can’t believe you let me wear her shirt.”

You scoff.

“Firstly, you’re the one that put it on. Secondly, it’s my shirt. She left it. Finders keepers.”

“I feel dirty.”

“You’re fine. And overreacting.”

You kneel on the edge of the bed and crawl up so you are sitting in his lap. He huffs and looks at you with a miserable expression.

“Why did you keep her shirt?”

“Because it’s a nice shirt, and I like it.”

“Get rid of it.”

“I will not. But, I’ll wear it less if that makes you feel better.”

“No. It doesn’t.”

You giggle.

“You’re being silly, Hyune.”

He looks away pointedly and you guide him back to face you by gripping his jaw. He swallows thickly as you, slowly, lean in to hover your face over his. You feel his shuddery breath on your lips, and bite down seductively to muffle the satisfied hum you release when you feel him hardening beneath you. He glares and scrunches his face with faux distaste as you dance your fingers up his stomach, then graze your thumb over one of his nipples. He shivers and finally lets the act drop, his annoyance melting into arousal as you peck shyly at his lips.

“Hyune,” You purr, “It’s okay if you’re jealous.”

“I-I know…”

You reward his cooperation with a teasing lick into his mouth, and carefully circle his nipple with light pressure. He whines and bucks up against you.

“You know how special you are to me. I love you, baby.”

“I love you, too,” He whimpers.

You respond with a sultry chuckle and begin stripping off your clothes.

There was a part of you that adored Hyunjin’s jealousy. It made him whiny, and needier for your affection. You would deny it vehemently if he ever called you out on it, but his desperation for your validation could have you dripping in seconds. So, it was a bit of a game between you. For the majority of the following week, Hyunjin would pretend he was unbothered when he saw you wearing that shirt. In turn, you would pretend that you were accidentally choosing it over all your other pajama options. While it may have been a bit unfair- or even mean- on your part to watch him squirm and stifle his complaints each time you pulled it on, it did not weigh on your conscience. You love each other; you trust he will let you know when his limit has been met.

And he does.

“Take it off.”

“Ha-ah,” Your eyes roll as you mumble back, “Hn?”

Your mind is fuzzy. Hyunjin has your ankles hooked over his shoulders and his cock pressed deep inside you. Your arms are limp above your head, fists clenching in the pillow supporting you. You tilt your head back with a moan as his hips rock against the back of your thighs in a steady rhythm.

“Baby, take it off, please.”

His fingers are curled in the hem of the white shirt, lifting it up as he ruts himself into your warmth. You huff out a laugh and tilt your head back to face him. You moan as you take in his heady groans and pleading eyes. His plump lips are parted to exhale a whine and his cheeks are impossibly flushed. You clench when he makes another pathetic noise and shoves his face into your neck. You smirk as your shirt gets rucked up to your breasts.

“I-I’m cold, Hyune.”

“Please. Please, please, please.”

He draws back and now you whine as his movements falter. 

“Hyunjin?”

He raises his head and pouts, eyes teary as he looks at you. You shudder, feeling your heat gush at the sight. You are teetering on the edge of an orgasm, and your mind is scrambled with the intent to chase that high. You roll your hips and he gives a shaky thrust in return.

“Don’t make me beg, darling. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Mhm! M’okay, take it- take it off, Hyune.”

His touch is deft as you lift your arms and he slips the shirt over your head. He throws it behind him, then draws a gasp from you when he repositions himself above you. Your mouth is agape in pleasure when he starts thrusting again, legs folded to your chest as he plows you into the mattress. You are thankful for the pillow, otherwise your head would be banging against the headboard. His tip almost kisses your cervix and you let out a breathless wail as humps into you, following each precise thrust with steadily rising groans. You reach up to thread your fingers in his hair and bring him in for a kiss. Your toes curl as his body melts into yours, and you finally reach your climax. You share more consuming kisses as he fucks you through your orgasm.

Hyunjin is soon following you, getting sloppier in his movements as his pleasure increases. He leans away, just enough to let you catch your breath. Your legs are trembling from the strain, and now from the overstimulation of his cock filling your fluttering cunt. He shakes his head when stray hairs stick to his skin and fall into his eyes, and you lovingly tuck each one out of the way.

“Hyune…”

“G-Good?”

“Mhm,” You nod and quiver, “M’good. Can’t think.”

He laughs and leans down to peck your lips. For a moment it looks like he has a quip lined up, but he just snuggles his head into your chest and lets out a ruined moan. You giggle as his thrusts stutter, then he lazily rolls his hips into you with a relieved hum. You let him ride out his release, kissing the crown of his head and playing with his hair as he lets out little moans and sighs of pleasure. When he finally stills, you reach between your bodies and gently push on his chest.

“Ah-ahn…”

“Hyune, you’re squishing me.”

“Hah, sorry.”

He groggily rises and lets your legs fall out of their tense position. You help him slip off the condom and discard it in the trash bin beside your bed. Your legs are numb, and you are a little shuddery all over from the lingering overstimulation. Hyunjin helps you get comfortable then melts into your waiting arms. You resume kissing and caressing him slowly as he tucks the two of you under the blanket and settles on top of you. He rubs his dumpling cheek over your heart and smiles when you giggle at him.

“I love you,” He murmurs, “You okay?”

You nod.

“I’m good, baby. I love you, too. You always make me feel so good.”

“Mhm, I’m sorry I was rough.”

Hyunjin massages your hips and gently squeezes your thighs. You hum and brush your fingers through his hair, tidying his mussed locks and ridding it of tangles.

“You don’t have to be sorry, babe. I loved it. You were perfect.”

“You’re perfect.”

He leans up to share a sweet kiss, stroking your cheek as your lips meld together. When you part, he pecks your chin then lets his lips trail down your neck. Your eyes flutter and you exhale peacefully as exhaustion overtakes you. Still, you stay awake when he brushes his lips over your ear and whispers to you.

“Thank you, for taking it off.”

“Mhm. Jealous baby.”

He whines at your teasing tone.

“You’re so mean.”

“And you’re ridiculous,” You murmur as you drift off, ��But I still love you. You’re my favourite boy. My one and only.”

He nods and pecks your cheek. “I know. You’re my one and only, too, baby.”

The morning arrives peacefully. You wake up before your alarm, and enjoy a few minutes of admiring Hyunjin’s sleeping visage before you slip out of bed to get ready for the day. He is still sleeping after you finish your routine, completely undisturbed as you get dressed and check your phone. You still have some time before you have to go, so you sit beside him on the bed and card your fingers through his hair as you scroll through your phone. He stirs and looks up at you blearily when you run your thumb down the bridge of his nose.

“Mh?”

“Good morning, baby,” You peck his forehead, “I have to go out. I have a couple errands to run. I won’t be long, okay?”

“Mhhm.”

You tuck him in and kiss his temple as he nuzzles his face into a pillow. You giggle and leave with a fond smile.

Hyunjin wakes later, before you return, and pats the empty space beside him until he realizes you are not there. He rolls onto his back to look around and swipes a hand over his face as he fights his disorientation. Eventually, he vaguely remembers you kissing him goodbye earlier when he was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. Unfortunately for him, he has no clue when that was or how much longer it will be until you get home. He lets out a frustrated sigh for no one but himself and eases himself out of bed. He pulls on his boxers, finding them among the pile of other clothes hastily discarded when the two of you fell into bed the night before, and shuffles to the bathroom.

He is a bit more awake when he returns to your bedroom, and pauses as it registers in his vision. White fabric, carelessly casted to the floor, sitting atop your panties and his hoodie. He scoffs at it, so it will know how he disapproves of it gracing his presence, and crosses the room to pick it up off the floor. He had not cared to look at the white tee any more closely once the idea of you wearing someone else’s clothes crossed his mine, but he is drawn to dissecting it now. He does not recognize the print on the front, some band or characters you never mentioned, but he does admire it a bit now. Ultimately, he understands why you kept the shirt on an objective level. It is nice, albeit a little worn, and there is nothing aesthetic-wise that he dislikes about it.

Hesitantly, he toys with it before bringing it to his nose. He gives a tentative sniff as he recalls your words from a week ago. I wear it all the time. I think it’s just always dirty. The shirt definitely did not smell like fresh laundry, or whatever he was expecting it to smell like. It smells like you. He cannot place it, there is a mix of familiar smells invading his senses; the remnants of your body wash, a hint of the candle you light after stressful days, the trace of your hot scent that drives him crazy during your intimate moments. His eyelids flutter and he groans, pressing the fabric to his nose and inhaling deeper. He recalls how comfortable the shirt was to wear before he learned of its origins, and begrudgingly pulls it on before crawling back in bed.

Missing you is torture for him during the rare moments he wakes up alone in your bed, but wearing your shirt settles his loneliness for a bit. That is, until he gets restless again. He could go find his phone, wherever he abandoned it when you two started getting handsy the night before, but he is already so comfortable under the covers. The only thing missing is you. He pulls the collar up over his nose and breathes in, momentarily subdued by the illusion of being enveloped by you. Then he remembers the vision of you from last night, wearing this same shirt and taking him so dutifully in this same bed. He groans and curses himself, reaching down to palm over his growing erection. The shirt, still too big for him, adds an extra obstacle between him and relief as he strokes himself leisurely. He shucks his boxers off under the blanket and reaches under the shirt to grasp his cock firmly. He groans and gives himself a rough squeeze before jerking himself slowly.

One hand holds the shirt up over his nose while the other roams over his length. He wishes it was you. He bucks his hips up at the thought of you touching him and puffs sharply into the shirt. He squirms, the tip of his cock rubs against the inside of the shirt with every stroke and creates a delicious amount of friction. It is so soft, gliding against him without any discomfort and very little resistance. His hips jump again and he has to clutch the base of his cock to stop himself from climaxing too quickly. He discovers that he can taste your scent stronger if he inhales through his mouth, and before too long is panting desperately as he thrusts into his fist. He is too hot now, and kicks off the blanket before resuming the rhythm of sucking in deep breaths while fucking into his own hand.

He is almost there now, possibly on the verge of cumming faster than any other time he has touched himself. He watches his cock strain under the shirt through his eyelashes, and whines when his precum begins wetting a spot in the white fabric. It sticks to him now, turning a bit translucent where his arousal beads through the material. His eyes pinch shut and he controls himself again. He does not want to finish so quickly. This feeling of pleasure is new to him, being smothered in your scent and comfort with the perfect sensation helping him get off. The only thing that might compare is actually getting to fuck you, but this is so different.

He cannot edge himself any longer, the pleasure that has been pooling has become too much. He begins jerking himself faster, ignoring the dry scrape of his unlubed palm on his shaft. He collects some of his precum and uses that to ease his motions. It helps just enough and allows him to reach his climax without further hesitation. He cries out and pants out a series of whimpering moans as his cum shoots out in thick spurts.

You lean in the doorway, watching his release soak through the fabric and further dampen the spot over his cock. You had been watching since he kicked the blanket away. In fact, you knew what he was doing when you entered the apartment and heard his soft moans ringing out in the silence. What you had not expected was walking in on the scene before you- but you were far from disappointed. You let Hyunjin recover a bit before speaking up. He tugs down the collar of the shirt and heaves in a much needed breath.

“I thought you didn’t like that shirt?”

He jumps and throws his palm over his face.

“Fuck.”

You laugh as his other hand slips guiltily out from under the shirt and falls limp on the bed, a bit of his cum sticking between his fingers. You saunter over to the bed, leaning in to run your hand up the inside of his leg as you walk up alongside him. He shivers and peeks at you through his fingers, chest rising and falling quickly in anticipation. Your hand takes his wrist from where it lies on the bed, you hold him firmly as you ease down to straddle his lap. You hold up his messy fingers, almost in admiration, and meet his gaze as you suck them into your mouth. He groans and lets his other hand drop so he can watch you lap each one clean. Your lip twitches as you guide his fingers over your lips, smearing your spit as you lead him to cup your cheek.

“Well?”

“Huh? Oh, the shirt, right,” You giggle and silently urge him to reply, “I-It’s alright. I still don’t like it.”

“Really? You seem to like it, at least a little bit.”

You pry the shirt up from where it has begun to stick to his cock and he hisses. You tilt your head and run your thumb over the patch of soiled fabric thoughtfully.

“O-Only because it smells like you.”

“Oh? Is that it? Are you still jealous?”

Hyunjin sets his jaw and avoids your gaze for a moment as he licks his lips nervously.

“I don’t know…”

“Be honest, Hyune.”

His eyes flick shyly to yours.

“It’s not easy just to… not be jealous. You know that.”

“Mhm…”

You move up his lap, not caring when you settle onto the dirty patch or his oversensitive cock. He watches with a worried frown as you brace your hands on either side of his head and lean over him.

“Wanna know a secret?”

“Yes,” He breathes, looking up at you expectantly.

“You’re jealous over someone who I never had feelings for, and who never got to touch me.”

His eyes widen then narrow.

“But, y-you said your ex left it!”

“Ah-ah- I said ‘someone’ left it behind. You were the one who assumed I was ever into that person.”

He puffs his cheeks and glares softly.

“You lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t correct you. You shouldn’t have assumed you knew who forgot it.”

“You set me up.”

You laugh.

“I set you up? For what? To catch you jerking off in my shirt?”

“Yes!”

Your laughter intensifies and Hyunjin fights his smile. He looks embarrassed, face still flushed, but the twinkle in his eye as you become breathless above him seems to signify his ease with the circumstances. You sigh happily and lean down to reward him with a deep kiss, which he eagerly returns.

“How about we get you clean, hm?”

“Sounds good to me.”

You giggle and tug at the shirt playfully.

“And I’ll get our shirt washed up.”

“Yeah, you let it go too long. It’s way too dirty to wear now.”

You snort.

“Okay, actually, you can wash your own messes.”

He grins.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Hyune.”

[youalreadyhavefullresults]

the mindset journey

So hi.

My mindset has been evolving a lot ever since I started this journey, and I thought I'd lay it all out in one post. Subliminals, mindless affirming, scripting, visualization, states. I've tried so many things out, and I think I've finally figured out what works for me.

TLDR:

Stop “trying” to manifest or checking the 3d, you already have full results, creation was over like since forever.

Sure you know that you’re God, as the posts and everything you’ve seen tells you, but have you really embraced that internally?

It doesn’t matter how many posts you read, it’s up to you to actually change your mindset.

Logic is literally useless, be delusional (don’t you just wanna go ape-shit :), go get your fucking desires)

Time is not linear, and means nothing when manifesting.

Revision is so powerful, use it.

It’s just so easy guys, please just make sure you’re actually applying the information you see instead of just passively scrolling through.

And the rest is under the cut, happy reading <33

I started off in the subliminal community in Oct 2020 and just had so many limiting beliefs, it was sad. Not to shit on the community or anything, some of them are wonderful people and most of them have changed their mindset as well, but my initial knowledge prevented me from getting to this point until now. But, now I’m here, and a day after I wrote this in my drafts, I literally manifested my ideal life. I originally started this blog to collect advice from loa blogs, but honestly, I don’t need any of it anymore. Though I do like helping people, so if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an ask.

The Initial Mindset:

I always read through countless posts that say “You’re God” and “You literally can get what you want without even trying.” While I understood the text and adopted the mindset, I still did little subconscious things that contradicted it. While I affirmed my self-concept was perfect, I would also cram-study for exams and worry I would fail. I would say I look perfect, but then also worry about the way my body looked. Also, the way that I literally became obsessed with loa media? I spent hours watching Sammy Ingram videos, looping subliminals, and reading tumblr posts on “how to manifest faster and better”. During this phase of my life, my mind was plagued with intrusive thoughts and my self-concept was slowly getting better, but still absolute shit. I would manifest things here and there, but nothing life-changing.

The main problem however, was the fact that I would treat manifesting like a task I HAD to do. Now that school was back in session, I literally would zone out during specific classes on purpose and just affirm to myself. I would feel bad if I hadn’t listened to my subliminal playlist for the day because I “wasted time in getting my desires”. There’s nothing wrong with vainly affirming or listening to subs if you believe it works, but for me, treating manifesting like a task meant that I was looking for an outcome. Clearly, now I know better, that everything is always done and that there’s nothing to complete, but back then, this was probably the main reason why I struggled to see full results easily. I was acting out of desperation and didn't believe manifestation already was done.

When Everything Changed:

I know that it’s different for everyone, but my “aha!” moment was probably when I read this post. Seriously, go read it, it made me realize that I was going about it all wrong. Now, it wasn’t learning how to perfect my manifesting, it was learning to pull out the tiny limiting beliefs that had burrowed its way into my subconscious.

For example,

“I need to do xyz so that I can get my manifestations.”

Why would I would need to do anything if I already have all of my manifestations hmm? It’s literally already done. Like there’s no need to put in that effort into something that’s already perfect right? So why do I need to even need to try? I literally get whatever tf I want without even trying. This doesn’t mean that every method out there is useless, but in the end, you are the one doing the manifesting, not the method.

“But... this makes absolutely no logical sense! How would this even work?”

I know that STEM me loves finding the logic behind everything, so that’s why I struggled a lot with the logic and time aspect. But darling, it doesn’t need to make sense. There are literally so many things in the world that scientists to this day can’t explain, including just how powerful and complex your brain is. Not to mention the fact that concepts such as logic and science are literally man-made too? What’s the point in trying to deal with logic? Just let go and have fun.

“I affirmed so hard, and I believed it. But then it never showed up when the time came.”

First off, your time spent affirming means nothing, sorry to break it to you. It’s about the mindset(your state if you will) you currently exist in that truly makes a difference. And just because it didn’t show up today doesn’t mean that you missed your window of opportunity. Revision is still manifesting, because time is not a linear concept. Anything at any time can just change with a snap of your fingers. You want to change all of your test scores? Bam, it’s done. you wish WW2 never happened? Bam, it’s done. You want to relive the past 5 years of your life? Bam, it’s done. It doesn’t matter what the event is, what time it is, or that you “didn’t do it before the deadline”. Whenever you do get it(which is instant/soon if you're persisting properly), it will be there, seamlessly blended in with your 3d. You don’t need to worry about a damn thing, your subconscious will take care of everything for you.

“Oh no! I just had intrusive thoughts, did I just mess up my manifestations?”

Why are you giving intrusive thoughts the power to do anything? Sure, you may get them, but that doesn’t mean that they have any effect on you. It’s the doubt they make you feel in your mindset that truly messes it up. Don’t give in. Acknowledge the thought, accept that it literally means nothing, and continue to persist. Your thoughts only have the power you give them.

“Nah, everyone has to be lying, this doesn’t seem real.” / ”Manifesting must just be a coincidence, there’s no way this is real.”

Oh? So you’re saying, the amount of posts you’ve seen, all of the success stories, all of the followers and comments, are you saying every single one of them is lying? No. I’m not saying that every single one of them is truthful, but there’s no way that every single one of them would lie and put this much work into something that’s not real. If you find yourself struggling to believe in the law, I’d suggest you try to manifest something small, and then build up your belief from there. I sure as hell didn’t believe in any of this from the beginning, but then, I manifested consciously for the first time. Again, and again. It became easier, and my life got better. It soon becomes apparent that literally everything you think happens. I always used to wonder how things I randomly thought in the back of my head always happened even though I literally didn’t do anything about it in the 3d. This proved to me that your mental state is more powerful than it seems.

“Can I manifest-”

Yes. Just yes. You’re GOD. GOD. Why tf is God asking some random loa account if they can manifest something or not? Ofc God would know that they can manifest whatever the fuck they want instantly. Do you think when God said “Let there be light”, he first asked people around him if he could? No. He took that shit and just fucking ran with it.

“But-but, what if-”

Uh-uh. I don’t want to fucking hear it. Like I said in the previous section, stop overthinking everything you do. Just go. Run with what you already know and manifest the life of your dreams. You don’t need to keep looking for new information, some specific post that changes everything for you. All they can do for you is steer you in the right direction. You’re the one who’s going to have to figure out our mindset and pull yourself together, no one else can do it. Take back your power, embrace it. I don’t care if you unfollow every single loa account or delete tumblr, just stop looking for the next post. Why would you need more information when you already have everything you need?

I wrote down everything I struggled with, forgot about it, and continued to persist in my new mindset. I ignored any negative 3d circumstances, and just vibed in the feeling that my desires were already here, that feeling of contentment someone has when everything in their life is just amazing. The main question I asked myself was, what would a person who had ____ think, and I went from there. Soon the things I wanted just started popping up in my life, just as I knew it would. I feel like the things I’ve said in this post are pretty much the same concepts you see all over loa tumblr, which is why it’s so important that you actively take in the information that’s being given to you and actually apply it. I was obsessed with tumblr and kept on scrolling through countless blogs and posts, and I was only able to fully manifest after I stepped away from all of that. There is no big secret. There’s no miraculous method that will fix everything for you. There’s just... you. And your subconscious. Whatever you tell your subconscious, goes. As simple as that.

How about, instead of scrolling to whatever next loa post you were about to see on this app, you close tumblr and just go live your best life? Don’t overcomplicate it and just do whatever feels natural to you. I hope this post helped, happy manifesting!

-cinna

[imweirdimjazzy]

Questions of Hell

Pairing: Alastor x GN!Reader

Description: after tiring a day, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for the radio demon chasing you with questions spending the night, right?

Warnings: mentions of drugs and that’s about it (alastor is prick btw)

Word count: 2104

A/N: hello! This is kinda my first time posting here in tumblr so bear with me on my first post here. Also this isn’t proofread so there could be couple of mistakes here and there so I’m sorry about that. No use of Y/n. But please enjoy it! Btw this fic can be taken as romantic or platonic either could work. Enjoy! :)

For most of my human life I thought death would be simple and morbid. Once life expectancy reaches its limit for how much it can go, the body starts to get tired and the brain will shut, just as the body decomposes.

And just like that you would be dead.

I never tried hard to question the afterlife since it had gave me a headache if I had think too hard about it but I do admit I had a few times where I did think about it too hard.

I just didn’t expect to wind up as a goddamn sinner in a literal pot of hell.

I can admit I wasn’t exactly the most holiest person. I fucked up. Quite a lot of times. And I suppose that life is all about whether you be rewarded to get into heaven or thrown down to hell for punishment.

And for that I now have to deal with the princess of hell and her friends in the Hazbin Hotel.

Charlie was energetic to know that I was another guest at the hotel ready to redeem sinners and probably grab the chance to get to heaven. Seems quite ridiculous once the opportunity was handed to me. Honestly I stayed because I knew nowhere else would let me stay without paying or doing something to repay back.

Yet I got to meet some of the most interesting people. Starting with Angel Dust who was porn star himself and only seems to make it his whole personality but he sure knew how to make a party start going. He also makes anything—and I mean ANYTHING to be dirty.

Vaggie who seems to be strict on everyone and trying her best for all of us to actually have good morals. Sure, we didn’t care but we all understood she wanted for the best of us. Sir Pentious was there to spy on them because of the Vees but then accidentally liked the idea of staying and making a better change of himself.

And there was Nifty who has a certain quirk driven into her personality that was unlike everyone else but she was almost a kid just needed to be protected. Just try not to get stabbed by her. Husk who seems to tell everyone to fuck off even though he’s bartender and you’re sitting at the bar specifically wanting a drink. He acted he hated everyone, but he never really did. He just hated someone who seems to fake who they actually are.

And I’m guessing that’s why he isn’t particularly fond of Alastor.

Alastor is a unique demon. To say in a short sweet way to not say any bad word on his name. Yet it’s hard to say he’s quite a mystery to all of us. Charlie might own the hotel but Alastor is faculty manager of the hotel. He’s always looming somewhere in here and always there with an eye to watch us.

I have to admit I even avoid him. His presence was kind I never had bump into, I rather make it stay that way.

My legs had grown numb and heavier as I kept walking back to the hotel. I was exhausted from Charlie’s shenanigans today. Trying to encourage other sinners out there to come to the hotel and save themselves from the extermination. Failed horribly since how many either attempt to kill us, offer sex, or offer straight up cocaine.

I gave up and had left Charlie with the others to keep going. It was getting late either way and they were planning to go into club.

Didn’t want to get myself into too much trouble anymore either way.

Pushing the doors to let myself in the hotel—I had let out an exhale that I had held all day. My body was slumped and all I could think was my comfy bed.

“My, my, you look quite a mess dear!”

The radio voice had made me slightly jump out of my skin.

To the right of me I could see Alastor sitting on a couch in the lobby. One hand with whiskey in a glass cup and the other with a book. His legs crossed with one leg on top bouncing to the sound of jazz playing background.

“Alastor?”

“Didn’t expect a fellow like me up around this hour, but I couldn’t resist such a great novel here wouldn’t you say?”

He made that little hum that sparked a few radio statics in his voice.

“Look, if you’re here to mock or annoy me today I make sure those antlers of yours are gonna be long gone before you know it.”

Alastor laughed and got up with swift movement with his cane. That smile was almost stitched to his face every glance I took of him. I expect there won’t be a day where I don’t see that venom smile of his.

His hands clasped in front of him as he eyed me down. “Now why would I do that? I merely checking up on is all.”

He said it with such a smirk in his voice.

“Sure, whatever, do what you want I guess,” I grumbled under my breath.

Attempting to head upstairs, Alastor tried to get in my way as he kept reappearing in front of me in every corner I try to go.

“What the—“

“Ah, ah, ah. Where do you think you’re going?” A playful tone was layered into his voice. Letting out chuckle as his antlers move just for a second.

He knew it was getting on my nerves.

“To my room. Is there something that you want?”

I was a bit hesitant when I first spoke, especially since Alastor was a type of demon who never necessarily wants nothing out of someone except manipulation.

He makes that same hum again, letting out a sing-song voice. “Well, I’m bored and I’m in the mood of doing something.”

“Okay—kill someone or some deer.”

I tried again walking away but he reappears again in front of me on the steps of the stairs. Keeping his eyes on me as he leaned on the handrail of the stairs. I could tell from his eyes that my annoyance was kicking the roof by now.

“Not really in the mood for that kind of fun tonight dear. I was actually hoping to maybe play some sorts of game with you.”

“A game?” I questioned.

“Yes! Just any sort of ordinary game. A game where I can ask questions about you and you have to answer them.”

I blinked at him for a moment and then narrow my eyes.

“So you’re interrogating me.”

“No, nonsense! Now, come on, sit on the couch and make yourself comfortable.”

Alastor nudge me downstairs and I follow him. I had no choice and I rather didn’t wanna push any limits with radio demon exactly. He wasn’t the type to be messing around.

Suspicion was written all over my face as I sat down.

Alastor offers whiskey in a glass with a smile. “Whiskey, dear?”

“Um—-no, no thank you.”

He sets the glass on the side table along with the book. Peering to my side I notice the book was the classic Dracula book.

Alastor sat on the other end of the couch. A leg propped on the other. Resting his chin on his hand on the arm rest.

“Now, I’ll start of the with an easy question to start off soft,” stated Alastor. “Do I annoy you?”

“Yes. Next question.”

His smirk grew wide yet his eyes narrowed down on me. Letting out a laugh that sounded for sure forced but as well annoyed.

“Okay, let me ask an easier question. What is your favorite color?”

“Oh well um—maroon. Maroon is my favorite color.”

Alastor hummed to himself. “Quite an unique answer. Didn’t take you as the type to like color such as maroon.”

“Red or maroon. I just like good color of red. Next question.”

Alastor tapped his fingers along the arm rest as he thought of another question to ask.

“What’s your favorite time of day?

Looking back at him with a tilted head I raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Alastor rolled his eyes jokingly and chuckled, seeming slightly amused of me. “I mean exactly what I said. What is your favorite time of day? Mornings? Afternoons? Nights?”

He lists off with this condescending tone, as if he spoke to me as a child.

“Watch your tone, and watch your ears, deer,” I hissed. But since you’re so damn curious. It’s night. And sometimes late afternoons. Not as much anymore though. I love them more in human life.”

“Human life you say?”

Alastor watches me as I adjust the black turtleneck I wore.

“Next question please.”

Alastor didn’t say anything but made a louder hum as he thought. Still overbearing me with annoyance of course.

“I’m running out of quite a lot of questions here but I suppose I should’ve asked this first, how are you liking this hotel so far?”

The tone switches and audibly notices it. Turning into this nonchalant tone. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be curious or crack me under pressure with his eyes seeming to only stare at me.

With a sharp inhale I spoke direct.

“Annoying as fuck. I never was too fond of the idea of redeeming since it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that sinners here can even get the chance to go up to heaven with the rest of angels.”

He kept silent with his smile but I kept continuing.

“I didn’t think it would work. And I still have mixed feelings about it but…I do have to admit I kinda like the friends I made here.”

His eyebrow raised and he tilted his head almsot intrigued of what I had said. “I see. And these friends you’ve made here..”

His smile twisted into a smirk as he leaned forward slightly, his elbows on his knees.

“Any particular ones you admire the most?”

It was a question that had me actually thinking this time around and I knew it was a way for Alastor to get to me, and I didn’t want him too.

“Well, each person has their own unique thing to admire.”

He tweaks his head to the side and only narrows his eyes. Still with smile.

“Charlie can be a lot and maybe too hyper, but she’s willing to give people a chance. Vaggie pushes everyone and is harsh but does it for us to get better.. Sir Pentious is someone willing to give up villainous tendencies. Angel is…well Angel but he is a friend that is loyal and would do anything to back up friend.

Husker and Nifty are the same as well. All of them have everything to admire about.”

Alastor listened intently on how I spoke each of the hotel residents living here

“Interesting. Very interesting.”

He sat back once again, his legs still crossed and his hands back in his lap. Alastor chuckled again, looking at me for a moment.

“And what about me? Is there anything you admire about me?”

I scoffed and smirk a little.

“A bit full of yourself are you?”

His eye twitched a little and seemed ready to respond, but I quickly added on.

“You always stay in control. Even if you aren’t or you’re not wanting to, you always are. You piece of shit who certainly earn a spot living here. I’ll give you that, but even I can admit that you’re intelligent in what you do. Even how manic and evil it can be.”

Alastor chuckled again. He was quite amused by my words. That wasn’t what he was expecting, but he was satisfied by it. He leaned forward a bit again, resting his arms on his legs. His elbows on his knees once again as he stared right into your eyes with his permanent smirk.

“How observant you are my dear. I thought you’d think of me as a annoying bastard”

“No, I also think that too.”

A smile spread on my lips as genuine the pit of fire in hell and before another word had slipped out of Alastors mouth, a rush of familiar friends came through the door.

“I need fucking a drink what the hell was that!?” Angel's voice rang through the hotel and same with others.

I laughed and got distracted by them as soon they called for me but Alastor sat on the couch there observing the others.

Asking himself many questions of himself now.

For how much this sinner might’ve made him rethink his plan.

[psychic-refugee]

I understand if people are disappointed in Jenna by her lack of vocal support for the past election in the States. There is always the hope that a celebrity we follow are “on our side.” Elections can have dire consequences, and we hope to get all the help we can get.

I don’t think these expectations are reasonable, per se, but I understand the natural inclination and the disappointment that follows when those hopes/expectations fail to materialize.

I’ll repeat that we must manage our expectations when it comes to celebrities and Jenna is not exempt from that.

I don’t know where she stands on a lot of issues. I also don’t know how she voted if she voted at all. At bottom, we don’t have a right to know. Voting should always be a private matter if they so choose.

Celebrities are still private citizens who have a right to privacy and don't owe us transparency.

I think disappointment in the lack of political support is valid in terms of personal feelings, and I don’t want to put words in Jenna’s mouth of why she may not have been more vocal.

I don’t know Jenna and my next thoughts are very generous towards her, I own and admit it.

I want to give grace to those I can. Perhaps time will prove she is unworthy of it, I’ll give it anyway. Kindness and grace are a choice, and I only hope that others will choose them as well.

While I don’t know her stance on issues, I equally do not know her mental state or what is going on with her personal/real/work life.

I’m not too hard on anyone who chooses to refrain from engaging with social media in any capacity and for any reason. I think people’s safety and mental health will always take precedence.

One can’t give from an empty cup.

One of the things I keep in mind when it comes to Jenna and her social media use specifically, is that she is a hyper-sexualized celebrity. We are in a time where AI is rampant, and it being used for porn is becoming endemic. Globally, we are nowhere near having laws to combat this, and I don’t see it as a priority for any nation to reign it in.

Jenna has already been run off from one social media platform because she was sent AI porn of herself. Other social media platforms are not any better. Certainly, on Tumblr I regularly block and report accounts that post AI porn/photoshop/links to porn when I see it, Jenna is a popular target.

Then there are others who do “handcrafted” porn across different medias (drawings, fiction, etc…), and they try to profit from it, and they do so in public forums such as Twitter/IG/social media. If it’s not being sent directly to the celebrity, it’s easy to find and possibly shoved in their face via the algo. OR their siblings/family are finding it as well.

There are others that nitpick at her looks and make sexually charged comments about her body freely and openly.

Social media is not a safe place for Jenna.

I certainly wouldn’t frequent anyplace I knew I was going to be sexually harassed or heavily criticized, even for benign things such as attending a concert or a farmer’s market. She is literally being stalked by her “fans” and they are happy to spread it and act as if they’re doing her a favor.

Yes, Jenna’s social media posts have become essentially completely professional. Even when we know she has been to social engagements with people she works with and we presume are on friendly terms, she does not post about it. I believe she only posted about Gaza twice, three times tops. She never endorsed any candidate.  

She’s not active on social media in general, not just inactive with politics.

I think she would totally forgo social media if not for her professional obligations. It is my understanding she’s only on IG, all others she has shutdown despite likely being able to monetize all of them.

I think it says something that she limits social media as a revenue stream.

Maybe the few posts she did upload regarding voting, even so late in the game, was all she had the mental bandwidth for.

I also would understand if she felt overwhelmed to the point of inaction. She has admitted to anxiety surrounding social media. (Independent, 07 June 2024) Perhaps seeing how Roan Chappell was torn apart for attempting to explain a nuanced opinion on a complex issue had scared her off even more.

Perhaps she is in a place where she could not make herself the target of social media nutjobs.

I’m confident enough to say that anything she said would have invited harassment, no matter what it was.

I’m not going to be too hard on anyone who chooses themselves first, and/or is dealing with mental health issues.

She shouldn’t have to set herself on fire to keep others warm.

Social media is just another type of theatre, and she does not need to perform her values for me.

I see her lack of social media presence as protecting herself by removing herself from what may be hurting her.

I will never criticize anyone dealing with anxiety on how they manage their anxiety.

Jenna has a lot of privileges compared to a lot of people, it doesn’t mean she should be forced to put herself in front of the metaphorical firing squad that is always locked and loaded on social media.

Again, this is a very gracious view of one of a million possibilities that could have been going on in a world I’m not a part of, and with people I’ve never met. I do not conflate social media with knowing someone.

Having a large platform is irrelevant, does not cure anxiety, and does not create obligations.

Expectations from randos on the internet are not obligations.

This is not to dissuade anyone from being angry. This is merely a possible different point of view one may consider.

As I’ve said, grace and kindness are a choice. I’m choosing to think the best of her intensions and situation.

[reneesghostinthelivingroom]

Hey babe, could you do a Renee or Regina X Reader daughter where Reader is going through some difficulty (like anxiety or depression) but hides it from her mother and pretends to be fine for her, but things get really complicated and the school has to intervene and arrange to talk to Renee/Regina but Reader doesn't know about this until her mother comes home and breaks down to her and then comforts her??

I LOVE YOUR FICS AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU SEEMS TO BE AMAZING AND YOU ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITE PROFILES HERE ON TUMBLR 🫶🫶

Should Have Been There

|| Reneé Rapp x platonic!daughter!reader

|| Warnings; reader struggling with school and self image, reader breaking down, Reneé comforts and apologizes to reader, therapy mentions, Reneé struggling with her own internal conflicts

|| Summary; when reader's grades start slipping, the school calls her mother.

Requests closed!

Started; November 11th

Finished; November 12th

~~~

Things were... not great for you right now. You've been struggling so much with just- everything. Yourself, school, everything just seemed to be going wrong wherever you turned. Normally, you were a straight A student. So when your grades started drastically slipping... your teachers grew concerned. A few have tried talking to you, but when that didn't go as planned; one teacher reached out to your mother. Reneé Rapp. Who grew deeply concerned when she learnt about how much you were struggling.

How didn't she notice? She should have been paying closer attention to you. But her work was just keeping her away. She should have been able to notice the signs. After all, Reneé herself has been through a lot. So why couldn't she see it?

When you came home that afternoon, Reneé was waiting for you in the living room. Sitting on the couch, impatiently scrolling through her phone. She looked up at the sound of the door opening and gave you a soft smile. Setting her phone down off to the side. Reneé then got up from the couch and walked over to you, gently cupping your cheeks with her hands. "Baby, I got a call from school today.." She started slowly, unsure of how you would react.

The moment you heard school, you knew exactly what the call had been about and that was your finale breaking point. You broke down into a sob, reaching out to your mother and wrapping your arms around her. Burying yourself into Reneé. Reneé was stunned for a moment, eyes wide. It all happened so quickly that she didn't know what to do at first. Before she hugged you back, bringing you as close as possible to her. Had you really been struggled this bad? How bad was your mental health right now, really? Reneé's never seen you like this and honestly, it scared her.

She whispered soothing words to you, her thumb gently brushing your hip as she held you close. Reneé wouldn't try to get you to talk, at least not while you were like this. She wouldn't be able to understand you through sobs. So Reneé waited. Waited until you slowly calmed down in her arms again.

Reneé let the moment hang before she finally asked," what's wrong, baby?" And then you spilled it all to her. The things you've been struggling with, how stressful school's been, every detail you could think of. The more you talked, the more concerned Reneé got for you. The more she felt like she should have been there. How could she have failed you? Reneé was your mother. She sighed quietly as these thoughts swirled around her mind. Looking down at you, she brushed the last of your tears away from your eyes. Letting you get everything out.

When you were done, she thought for a moment about the right thing to say. Clearly you'd been putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself, did she cause that? "Y/N... you don't have to be perfect at everything. You know that, right? I'd never ask you to push yourself past your limits, especially if it causes you this much pain. I love you for who you already are. Who you've always been. I'm so proud of you and I'm so sorry for not being there when you needed me. I promise I'll be around more. And if you really need it, we can get you into therapy. Whatever you need. Okay?" You listen to Reneé, feeling a sense of comfort wash over you. Therapy, huh? Yeah... maybe you could give it a try.

"Thank you.." You murmured, nodding a little as you buried yourself into her more. Trying to be as close to your mom as possible while she just held you.

"I love you. So so much." Reneé whispered, giving your forehead a soft kiss.

"I love you, too..." You'd be okay. Now that you had your mom.

[weaselandfriends]

Have you thought about opening a Patreon? I would pay a lot of money if it meant getting your stories more regularly...

My prose sucks, yours is spectacular. How do I get better at it? I try reading a lot, but I'm starting to conclude there's only so much you can pick up via absorption without some kind of formal instruction.

1. I'm not especially interested in opening a Patreon, and here's why. First, I work a reliable full time job that isn't too demanding on me, so I'm already financially stable. My following right now likely isn't large enough to sustain me full time, so I wouldn't be able to use Patreon as a primary income source anyway. Even if my following was larger, though, it would be a gamble to quit my job and sustain myself solely on fan donations. Ultimately, it would probably be more stressful for me than my current situation, and I could see my writing quality suffer under the pressure of needing to constantly output material on a monthly basis. On top of that, I'm not sure if sustaining myself on Patreon would actually increase the regularity of my stories. Unlike seemingly most authors (go look at Alexander Wales' Tumblr for an example), I'm not an "ideas guy." I don't get a lot of story ideas. The ideas I do get I nurture for years, slowly adding details to them until they're ready to write. Cockatiel x Chameleon was an idea I got in 2015 (published 2022). Modern Cannibals was an idea I got in 2012 (published 2017). When I am actually writing a story, I'm usually able to consistently output content, even with my job. The limiting factor for me isn't my available time in the day, but my brain. I appreciate the sentiment, though! One of my favorite comments, which I received on Cockatiel x Chameleon, went something like "You should be on humanity's payroll."

2. My prose sucked too. When I was a teen, I would write stories and my classmates would laugh at how badly written they were. In college, I couldn't even get my friends or family to read my stories. (I once described one of my stories to my grandmother and she said, "Well that doesn't sound any good at all.") At age 18, I decided to start reading classic literature. Only classic literature, at a rate of 50 pages a day, every day. I read all kinds, from all sorts of time periods and countries. I read everything from Homer to David Foster Wallace. And while I read, I wrote. I wrote badly. In college I wrote novels that pretty shamelessly imitated the prose styles of Faulkner and Cormac McCarthy. By the time I started writing Fargo (which is a story where I think my prose was still improving), I had written nine complete novels and had read somewhere between 200 and 300 works of classic literature. I didn't have any formal training, at least in terms of writing fiction. I was an English/Geography dual major, and from my English classes I learned how to close read a text, and in general I learned how to write an academic essay. In my final year of college I took an MFA-styled creative writing workshop, but by then I was pretty much beyond what it could teach me and I don't feel like I learned much of anything from it.

Other than reading and writing, I started editing. One of my later pre-Bavitz novels I finished, then went back and edited assiduously. I took a 100,000 word rough draft and over 14 editing passes pared it down to 70,000 words. That was massive for improving my prose, as it forced me to engage with my story on a word-by-word level. Every single word fell under my scrutiny and thus I had to grapple with how valuable, how good that word was. What I learned from that experience was massive for improving my prose going forward.

I think it's entirely possible for someone to improve their prose just through the basics of reading, writing, and editing. Julirites, the author of Fargo fanfic London, has massively improved her prose over the course of the story. It didn't even take her nine failed novels to do it, either. Be willing to experiment. Be willing to fail. Don't be afraid of someone laughing at you for writing purple prose. Imitate authors you like, that's the first step toward developing your own unique style.

[sunnirayss]

Hello!

I followed you on Reddit once and then saw that you were on Tumblr! I was a silent lurker and didn't want to really bother you since you left reddit for a reason. But then i saw you do talk about shifting here, so i thought of leaving you a message to ask for your opinion?

Why do you think people don't shift after years of trying?

What if they were to stick to a method for months and their 3D still doesn't change? (Though i feel like that would be very unlikely. I do believe we shift, if we commit to the act of it. But i still wanted to hear your opinion.)

What exactly makes a successful shifter successful?

I personally am stuck with indecision right now. I can't for the love of god, commit to a desicion. To a DR. To a desire.

It keeps me in this limbo, where i want change, but i am scared of missing out in any type of way.

I want this and that and then i try, maybe even for a week! Only to change my mind again. And this keeps repeating.

Have you ever experienced that? Would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Thank you. Wishing you a great weekend!

Ooo, my very first ask 👀. Sorry for the late reply btw, I've been busy with stuff irl for the past couple weeks so I haven't really been checking my inbox on here.

Thanks for the questions @pippamorelli, you brought up some interesting stuff that I'd be glad to answer for you 💙

Why do you think people don't shift after years of trying?

I think it stems from limiting beliefs and misinformation that people get from the shifting community. Like the idea that shifting is a skill that is difficult, takes a long time to learn, and can only be performed in a very specific way (aka methods). That's the foundation that most people start off when they begin their shifting journey, and it sets people up for failure. It's even worse if you were in the community before 2023 when even more nonsense was being spread around as fact.

There's so much emphasis on external things being what makes you shift when the reality is that YOU are the only doing all the work. Even when stuff like the law of assumption or the I AM/void state is brought up, it's usually explained poorly which leads to it "failing" as well.

To this day, people think that the point of LOA is pretending you're in your desired reality in the 3D until it becomes real. It's actually that imagination is the true reality, what we live internally will be reflected in our outer world. Same thing with the void state being a mythical dimension that can grant your wishes, instead of it being a state of pure consciousness where you are no longer tied to the limitation of physical reality.

Because of how shifting is taught (external action -> internal shift), people will try out the most popular methods. If they don't shift after that, they assume the methods don't work and will spend most of the journey looking for a "unicorn". That one thing that instantly works them and makes them shift with ease, that special secret that all the successful shifters have been gatekeeping this entire time! But that unicorn doesn't actually exist, at least not in the form they're looking for.

The solution to shifting lies inward, not outward. You need to realize that yes, you are in complete control of your reality and how you experience it. That yes, there are infinite realities out there and you (like everyone else) have the innate ability to access every single one of them. That yes, shifting can be easy if only you let go and allow it to be so.

I've found that a lot of people refuse to believe that because it sounds too easy, too good to be true.

A lot of the community suffers from "shiny object syndrome", they get fixated on the latest gimmick that's blowing up in the community...only to drop it once the novelty wears off and the next new thing takes it place. Same thing with the fixation on "symptoms" and seeing movement in the 3D, Essentially, it's an issue with getting distracted by instant gratification instead of focusing on the actual thing they want: to be in their desired reality.

That also results in negative feedback loops. After so many failures, it's easy to start believing that you can't shift...which leads to more failures that only affirm that belief. Not to mention when you're constantly on social media with people venting about their own struggles and saying that make you doubt yourself. Over time, it can really kill your motivation for shifting and even your overall confidence, which also makes it harder to shift.

I know because that's exactly how my first year of shifting went. Not shifting with the popular methods, trying every trending thing that supposedly made shifting easier, chasing after external signs and symptoms that I'd be shifting soon...it was not fun. Eventually I truly started to just think that there was something inherently wrong with me for not being able to shift. I only started shifting once I took a break from the community, self-reflected, and finally started applying the things I was learning.

To put it shortly, the reason people take years to shift is because of:

misinformation

putting shifting on a pedestal as an unobtainable thing

putting more effort into finding the "perfect method" instead of trying things themselves,

poor self-concept caused by perceived failure to shift and relying on the 3D for validation

What if they were to stick to a method for months and their 3D still doesn't change? (Though i feel like that would be very unlikely. I do believe we shift, if we commit to the act of it. But i still wanted to hear your opinion.)

I also agree that the chances of someone still not shifting or seeing any results after months of sticking to the same method is very unlikely. But at the same time, I don't think most people actually do that.

Instead they try the method a few times, then move on to the next thing if they don't see immediate movement in the 3D. Or they keep overthinking the method as they do it, thinking about how it doesn't seem to be working or keep giving into the idea that it won't work because shifting isn't real/they can't do it.

Also there is a difference between sticking to what you like/what works for you and just forcing yourself to keep doing something that isn't working just for the sake of it. The former is consistency, the latter will just make shifting feel like a chore and cause burnout. There's nothing wrong with switching things up if what you're currently doing isn't working, stops working, or if you're no longer motivated by it.

What exactly makes a successful shifter successful?

I'd say their mindset. Not because they've completely eliminated all doubts, limiting beliefs, and negativity BUT because they no longer allow those things to dictate their reality. Instead of constantly questioning themselves and their progress, they let go and allow the law do its thing (even if they don't realize it consciously). They don't get fixated on what methods to use or constantly second-guess themselves and their abilities.

Instead, they focus purely on the end result and trust that they'll get there. They stop trying to force things in the 3D or looking for change there, and let go of the end result.

That's why you hear so many stories of people who quit shifting or decided to take a break, only to shift immediately afterwards. It's because they stop obsessing over it and putting pressure on themselves, they stop overthinking everything and creating resistance between themselves and their desired reality.

Their subconscious has the room to just do its thing and shifting happens naturally. If you've ever heard people in the manifestation community say "I don't chase, I attract", that's what they mean.

You don't stress over shifting, it's meant to be fun and easy. Like imagine how excited you'd be if you found shifting as a kid, how easy it would be because you fully trust in imagination and aren't weighed down by doubts or pressure to be realistic?

A successful shifter approaches shifting with that same attitude, it's fun and you almost take it for granted after a while.

And yeah, I've definitely deal with indecision with shifting, genuinely wouldn't be shocked if it turned out I've dealing with some undiagnosed ADHD this whole time lol. I have a lot of DRs and am constantly planning new ones when I think of something that would be cool to experience, so it's easy to get overwhelmed about where I want to go to. Then even when I pick a DR, there's still so many details to consider.

Like what period of time do I want to shift to (past, present, future?), what season should it be, where do I want to start off at, how different will it be from this reality, what gender should I be (genderfluid problems lol), and so on...

It's also just generally common for people to be overwhelmed by the amount of choices they have (whether with DRs, methods, or desires), that they shutdown and choose to do nothing. Because it feels safer to not make a choice at all vs. risking the "wrong" choice and missing out on much better ones as a result (aka FOMO). But the good thing with shifting is that...there is no such as a wrong choice.

Limitations are an illusion of the 3D, you are not limited to any one decision you make (or do not make) so it is impossible to miss out on the others. All those realities already exist and they're not going to go anywhere just because you don't shift to them right away. You can go with what reality feels right for you in the moment and if that ends up changing, it's no big deal. Instead of working towards reality A, you can shift to reality B instead.

Also, a waiting room could be helpful. Instead of having to pick a specific reality to shift to, you can just focus on your waiting room and shift from there. They don't have to be elaborate either, it can literally be a single, simple room that only exists so you can shift from it.

As for desires, you don't need to focus on manifesting only one thing at a time. The subconscious mind is powerful, you already know everything you want even if you don't realize it. So it's not like you'll manifest the wrong thing or forget something that you really want. If you use affirmations, try using blanket ones instead (ex: "I'm so glad I have all my desires", instead of thinking of everything individually).

It can also be helpful to just write down all your desires in a simple list (Notes app is great for that) and just think about how you'd feel if you had everything on that list...and accept the fact you that you do already have everything on that list.

And just in general, trust yourself and that you'll end up where you want to be in the end! You want change, then you'll get change.

You want to shift, then you'll shift. You desire things, so those desires will become your reality. It's that simple, because you're that powerful (we all are!) so there's no need to feel trapped in limbo and paralyzed all the wonderful things you could be and experience. Just take your time and go with the flow :)

dividers by @enchanthings-a

[chaosbeetlefrontiers]

We need to talk about ghosttothefuture

cw/tw: stalking, racism, abuse

In the past I’ve talked about situations where I saw myself as a victim and blamed the people who rejected me because of my own behavior. In the present we’re doing something different.

This is a user named Ghost to the Future. Throughout the post I will be referring to him as Alex.

Since August of 2023, Alex and I have been friends as we shared a lot of Intergang ideas and later I would eventually help him overcome his insecurities and irl issues… or so I thought. Since Valentine’s Day, I stuck by him and tried to help him on a journey of improvement as he confessed to me that he was jealous of me talking to people that I’ve known for 2 years now because he wanted me all to himself when he needed to vent. I’ve tried multiple things such as exercises where he couldn’t DM me, cracked down on limiting the venting and most of all, trying to get him a therapist. I even talked to my own therapist and school about how I can get him the help he needed. It wasn’t just “get him a therapist so he could stop venting to someone who wasn’t qualified to handle it,” he actively hurt and pushed away my friends when they tried to help him themselves. For the sake of their privacy I will be censoring the names of my friends.

But eventually he told me that he’d get a therapist and during those weeks he told me about talking to him and even shared me advice that the therapist gave him and I thought we were on the right track. Then on March 26th, 2024, he confessed that he lied about it.

He admitted to lying about it and told everyone that he was toxic and manipulative. Minutes after this I blocked him and told him that someday we’d be able to talk again. Hopefully we could move on.

Then the day after he started spamming my email after I refunded him for a commission I never got to. He told me that he was getting help but he also asked me to unblock him and told me that I was the only person he hurt. We’ll be getting back to that in a bit. Make of these what you will.

To add insult to injury, he started stalking my Tumblr yesterday when he commented on one of my posts after I blocked him on Discord.

We’ll get back to the stalker part at the end because it is truly fucked but for now let’s tear into how he’s hurt my friends! Not all of this will be complimented by screenshots but I’ve talked with people and can confirm that all of this has happened, if you want evidence of it I’ll see what I can do.

He has constantly pushed my friends away after they have tried helping him out.

He has lied about watching certain media multiple times, my friends managed to prove this has he lied about watching a show that didn’t even air yet. Most of the time he fails to elaborate on why he loves a piece of art if he hasn’t experienced it or he’ll just sheep other people.

Back in December he complained to me about two of my friends making fun of him only to find out that they were just joking with each other and Alex made a big deal out of nothing.

After trying to set boundaries Alex kept on using the excuse that “we’re equals.”

He harassed one of my friends in DMs for having a Hazbin Hotel pfp at the time.

He makes fun of other people and their interests yet infamously can’t take any jokes towards him at all.

He tried instigating hate in me against my friends when they watched MAWS and didn’t like it.

Has urged and pushed people to do sexual RPs in the past even when they were uncomfortable.

He said the N word in my friend group, he is white btw. And when one of my friends talked to him about this Alex only constantly apologized and made excuses for why he said it. I have the screenshot of this, I won’t be sharing it in this post so I won’t violate any policies.

He’s made racist and misogynistic remarks towards people in his friend groups.

Has sexualized people who are younger than him.

This is only scratching the surface of what he’s done to people online as apparently he has a history of changing his username after being rejected from fandoms, one of which included the Owl House and he used it as a crutch to excuse a lot of his behavior. Online, he’s dangerous and a chameleon but learning about his irl activity he’s even worse. I won’t go too in depth there but needless to say he insults his friends, is violent towards other kids in his school and has caused a lot of toxic relationships.

And ultimately we get to why I decided to make this post. I told Alex’s friend (who is one of the nicest people I’ve met btw) that if Alex contacted me again then I would call him out. And since yesterday, Alex has not contacted me again… but he tried to. How? By using his friend’s email to message me. The attempt failed but I was alerted of this and furious. Originally I said that I think Alex can improve but he’ll have to do it without me. Now he’s killed his chances. Everything I covered here only scratches the surface of what he’s pulled but in short: cut contact with him for your own safety. If he tries joining more fandoms under this name or a new name, use this post for reference and stop him before he can do more damage. Right now, Alex is a toxic and manipulative person and shouldn’t be in a lot of these public spaces especially when he’s admitted that he is DANGEROUS. Currently his main fandom is My Adventures with Superman so I will be tagging that to get the word out. Please reblog as much as you can to get the word out and let people know about this individual before he gets to them as well. If you’re reading this Alex, you’ve hurt me and too many people for me to just let this slide and if you try contacting me and my friends again, hope you enjoy whatever stupid prizes you get in the future.

Until next time, I wish you guys luck. Stay safe, people.

[zeondraws]

Hi!! Do you ever wonder why Roy called Banky “Holiday�� in the unused voice line? It makes me think it's his last name but it would be funny if it was😭 Thank you if you'll reply!❤️‍🩹

Hiii,

I already wrote an answer but tumblr crashed on me.

I sadly can't say much to this, I think for some stuff I'd rather wait for the artbook to come out in Feb. Afterwards one can check what other open questions are left that are unanswered.

(This part down here is unrelated to the question, but I thought I'd share it regardless)

I have to see if I am allowed to, or I will try to ask. But I want to scan the Artbook when I get it and if it's possible, share a PDF with people here. Tho I ofc don't want to overstep any boundaries, if it's a no-go by the devs.

My main reasoning for that idea is, I don't know how long that artbook will be available for purchase. And a lot of Game Artbooks are notorious for becoming extremely expensive, once they're out of print. Tho it depends how popular the franchise is. I think.

One example is Ori and the Will of The Wisps. I sadly didn't get the limited edition artbook they had for sale some years ago (I only have the mini artbook). Original price was 35,99€ but if I want to buy one now, I would need to spend 200-300€ on ebay.

Either way, in the meantime I'd continue exploring the game files to see if I can find anything else.

Recently I have been trying to understand where everything connects to on the rig. But I still fail a lot with my orientation and memory.

I slowly understand where each Leg is located (I still mix them up sometimes), but I have to try and memorise where certain rooms in Engineering, Accommodation or Administration are placed for example.

It's strange to see how many details there are if one focuses properly. (Incoming rant prepare urself)

Only a few days ago I actually realised Trots was in the bathroom when he transformed. It's behind the door inside the crew lounge. Why did it take me so long to notice? Not sure. I never thought much of it.

I don't exactly understand how the shape got to him. Mainly because there are remains of another person in there, which makes it extra confusing.

I roughly assume the shape bursted out of the sink pipes? (if you look closely you can see it coming out of the pipes under the sink)

(Also, random observation; in both shower rooms, if you look closely, the shape came out of the shower heads and latched onto it's victim standing under it. I have to recheck if it's both showerheads. But I def saw it coming out in one of them.)

And caught both of them in some way or another, throwing Trots into one of the Toilet stalls- Where he tried to fight against it but transformed there. Slightly destroying these walls that seperated each toilet from one another, leaving a trail of blood behind.

(At some point I thought the shape came out of the toilet and got him, but the sink pipes are the only real indicators. The lid on the toilet is closed, only having blood stains. Unlike the other poor guy in another bathroom, the shape go him through the toilet. Rest in Piss.)

In many areas it can be seen, that the shape bursts through pipes. I am not sure if it avoids contact with water at any cost. Or if it makes it's way through it regardless. I know the mutated ones dislike the water and drown in it. But the shape sometimes gets submerged in water in certain levels. So I feel like it doesn't care too much, unlike the infected crewmates.

Maybe I'll show pictures about it another time. It's really late here and I'm super tired. But I just remembered this and wanted to type it all out. Although it's very unrelated XD. Hope you still enjoy these observations.

Goodnight from me

[bi-lullaby]

So I really loved the PJO show. I wish we get a second season, and a fourth and so on all the way through heroes of olympus because it’s just so good. If you feel like reading my (NOT spoiler free) rambles:

- Percy’s loyalty and dedication to his mom is just so integral to his character and they RESPECT THAT.

- I really like what I’ve seen mentioned about how both casting wise and storyline changes wise there have been some adaptations that were less “lol lets change it” and more to connect better with today’s audience and cultural paradigm. Like Annabeth being blonde because of the stereotype of “the dumb blonde” that was so prevalent in the era the books were released versus her being Black showcasing the extreme undermining Black women go through instead, or Luke being less 00s/10s boyband boy looking and more tiktok softboy looking now, but also Sally being less 100% perfect and more active in the story and upbringing of Percy as both a hero and a demigod and Luke being less cool and detached and more… Sweet? Emotional?

- I did feel pretty meh about a few changes: Zeus immediately accepting that Kronos is scheming and is a threat (Ik they couldn’t know if they’ll get that far but it cuts the stakes of the third book by a lot if there’s no pressing time limit to get Artemis back to Olympus to convince the Gods into action if they’ve been Doing Stuff for two years now, and even the second book loses a little in regards to the behind-the-scenes political climate that leas to it being what it was). Luke going to every length not to kill Percy is such a 180° from the books it was a little jarring and I feel it cuts out how much of a Menace he was and how bitter/jealous he was of Percy. Like we could have seen their bonding and even Luke trying to recruit him but I’d still have liked to see the scorpion scene so the betrayal and anger and wariness Percy feels is that much deeper and bitter and personal like in the books.

- I’m of two minds about the entire Gabe arch. Like on one hand I do understand toning him down (including his demise) for the public’s intended audience, I even think it kinda goes along the adapting to new times by showing that the useless, insensitive, disrespectful aspect of a bad husband is harmful just as the “darker”, more explicitly abusive/exploitative and mean drunk book version, but on the other I feel like he had such an impact on Percy in the books (he’s literally the Oracle’s “mirage” for his prophecy, he thinks of his smell in tartarus), and I really had loved the line “you’ll fail to save what matters most in the end” coming true because Sally saves herself - although the post I’ve seen about his fate showcasing how his lack of respect was his doom did make me appreciate it a little more.

- The only castings (or maybe it was the directing and styling of them more so) that I can’t really get behind are Hades and Hephaestus. Hades felt like they were going for the Disney’s Hercules comedic relief one in a slightly toned down costume. None of the gravitas and intimidation, he didn’t feel like a god at any point. And Hephaestus was just… So different. He’s supposed to be a deeply secluded, antisocial, gruffy mechanic who’s self sequestered by his inventions and forges. The show version looked like an eccentric professor more than anything imo. Which I feel could be one modern retelling of Hephaestus in another series, but isn’t the one we had and, imo, doesn’t go as well with the rest of the vibe. Which is a shame bc I do feel like Timothy could have been used in a way that would work fantastically for those vibes.

- Lin Manuel Miranda’s, acting actually shocked me. I never really had a Hamilton phase but I am on tumblr so I was expecting something cringe and honestly, I thought it was good (and to bring it back to Hades: Hermes in sweats and a hoodie actually gave me the feeling of “this is merely a cover to a deep well of power” than Hades in his suit and dark colors ever did)

- Meanwhile, perfect Ares casting. Yes this man is beefing with (and losing to) 12yos but he’s also an ancient force that revels in bloodshed and carnage.

- Annabeth from the show encapsulates the character so well while also bringing her own notes to it. Like as time went on back in my peak pjo days I felt she got “Hermionified” by the fandom too much? And I lost sight of how fond I was of her but the show (and having reread the books) really rekindled that and made me remember why she is a force to be reckoned with and also someone that must be protected at all costs. I cannot express enough how much my fondness was reignited.

- Like I feel this could be a whole post but basically I feel the books showcase the “ideal” characteristics the gods and their kids could have versus how they wind up twisted into something else (Percy’s sea-like indomitable spirit vs several of his brethren’s ruthlessness and disregard for what’s good) and Annabeth feels like, beyond amassing knowledge for it’s sake… She wants to actually Learn, and in the show maybe even to a deeper degree than in the books and it is endearing and very enthralling.

- On that note, Leah, Walker… This is supposed to be a SLOWburn goddamit. Like in the books you can see where it’s headed but in the show they have such silly crushes I can barelyy stand it. My children.

- Speaking of Walker that kid IS Percy like you cannot convince me otherwise. Disney farmed him for this role.

- I actually really loved Poseidon having a british accent? Idk, something about england and nautical exploration and it feeling older and more… Powerful? Like the ocean

- And Zeus had all the “I’m the god amongst kings and king amongst gods” that I’d have expected from him. He was crackling with power and that was beautiful to see. What a tragic loss.

- Grover is my precious child (although I do wish we had gotten the silly, goat like details of him like eating cans and making the bleating noises). And since the last book I finished rereading was the Battle of the Labyrinth (where I cried like a baby at Pan’s death) watching this sweetheart getting all excited with his literal flower searches license? Made me wanna weep.

- Overall most of my criticisms that came to mind besides the alterations I cited came from being hushed because of too few eps and those being too short. Really really hope the next season (fingers crossed) we’ll get like, 15+ eps (and/or at least longer eps) so we can really sink into the meat and potatoes of it all.

[fr0gc4t]

a ramble/confession, and some non-dualism tips

if u seem to already consciously know that ur god AND also think in limiting beliefs, ur not alone. i do it too. it’s way more common than u think.

sometimes we understand a concept and think it’s true, but our egos don’t think in the way that would actually comply with that concept, and that stops us from fully shifting into belief and freeing ourselves from ego. “belief” and “knowing” aren’t always the same thing.

prime example: YOU knowing that ur “desires” r already urs, and then ur ego switching the process completely and being like “so where is it?”. we all know that happens to a lot of ppl in the loa/non-dualism community. the ego is tricky bc its nature is to try and intimidate us. then we slip back into ego-based thinking. happened to me, and is still happening atm. and also i wanna remind ppl that, like healing, awakening to ur true self is often not linear. and that’s totally ok as long as u don’t give up. i was pretty much almost fully realized but then i let my ego get to me again and since then i’ve been trying to get back into that state but just haven’t succeeded at changing my thoughts/improving my self-concept (adhd is making it very difficult).

look. ik it’s kinda weird to have someone post a ramble abt FALTERING at living non-dualism. most of the time, we talk abt the opposite to remind ourselves if our power. but i think it’s important to be open and vulnerable when ur struggling, especially when other ppl could learn from ur struggle.

like i said. not getting i right the first time is OK AND NORMAL. ik ppl say “changing ur self-concept is effortless” but LET’S BE REAL FOR A SEC: that’s not true for everyone, especially neurodivergent/mentally ill ppl, and ppl with intrusive thoughts (i’m all of those, btw), bc our egos r EXTRA spicy.

awakening to ur true self as the god of ur reality is healing, and healing is HARD. in this case, since whatever we are aware of is true, it doesn’t rly have to be, but when u have inner demons, MY GOODNESS IS THIS SHIT DIFFICULT (but still sooo worth it, i promise u).

so good for u if it’s not difficult. really, i’m happy for u. i just also want to bring to light my situation, which is: hearing ppl say “changing ur self-concept is effortless!!” just made it harder to change mine.

I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY ANYONE IS SAYING THESE THINGS MALICIOUSLY. I’M LITERALLY SO HAPPY AND PROUD OF U OMG. i just think that the non-dualism community should be a little more vulnerable, bc FAILING IS NORMAL WHEN TRYING TO CHANGE UR MINDSET, ESPECIALLY FOR PPL LEARNING HOW TO MANAGE NEURODIVERGENCE, MENTALL ILLNESS, TRAUMA, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY ETC.

AND THAT IS TOTALLY OKAY!!!

i see ppl say things like “i don’t want any limiting beliefs near this page!!!” when limiting beliefs and learning to overcome them r a normal part of this process and should not be shunned, and should rather be met with compassion and understanding. AND SOME PPL DO MEET IT WITH THAT!!! but there r also many who don’t. i understand not wanting to hear ppl’s limiting beliefs in some situations, but not being open to hearing them at all just creates more stigma around being vulnerable abt faltering in this journey and needing some further encouragement or advice. positivity is only good until it becomes toxic positivity. (AGAIN, NOT POINTING FINGERS AT ANY ONE PERSON. I’M TALKING ABT ALL OF US, INCLUDING ME)

my adhd makes it so hard to stick to a new habit long enough to get used to it. and as a result, i have faltered a bit. okay, maybe a little more than a bit. AND THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS NORMAL. THAT IS SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABT MORE.

maybe these stuggles r an “illusion,” but that doesn’t mean we should pretend like we don’t have them. we don’t always have to put on a happy face and go onto tumblr and vaunt to try and fight the intrusive thoughts. if u know anything abt the psychology of intrusive thoughts, FIGHTING THEM DOES NO GOOD. we should accept them and let them be there, knowing that THEY CAN’T HURT US.

even then, they might stress us out. and that’s when we might need to vent. and venting is NOT a bad thing. sometimes it’s the only way i can cool off. but instead of venting into ppl’s inboxes, we should make our own posts, like this one, in constructive language (i suggest writing the angry/anxious stuff first in ur notes, then, when ur calm, rewriting it in a constructive sense and posting it on tumblr). we need more openness to sharing our struggles. mental health struggles r sooo real (even if our human minds r illusions), and we need to make the non-dualism/loa community a safe place to talk abt those struggles and see if anyone can relate, or maybe used to relate and has adivice.

being gentle and open to this conversation is just as important as affirming that we have what we desire. bc, well, if u have the struggle i have, or something similar, u know how difficult it is. hell, i even thought abt going back to loa and trying to get into the void instead of keeping on my non-dualism path bc i thought it would be easier(???) and now i realize that that doesn’t even make sense bc both of these things require improving ur self-concept, which is what i was trying to avoid.

THAT IS LITERALLY AN EXAMPLE OF THE THING I EXPLAINED AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST (which was supposed to be the main topic… i rambled a lot. oops.). i knew that i had to change my self-concept no matter what, yet i thought that getting into the void wouldn’t require that. sometimes the thoughts just don’t add up. and it’s bc of the ego! i actually only became aware of that now actually.

THE EGO JUST WANTS TO CONFUSE U AND TAKE CONTROL OF U. i’m just still letting mine have power over me… but now that i’m aware of it, i can try again, this time with a different perspective.

faltering is normal. not being able to change ur thoughts the first time is normal. having this kind of weird cognitive dissonance is NORMAL. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO NOT GIVE UP, AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

you failed to change ur mindset and ended up spiraling? needing a break from trying to change it? i don’t blame u, this stuff is hard. it’s okay tho! what u need to do now (or when ur ready) is: FORGIVE URSELF AND TRY AGAIN. and don’t be afraid to start the conversation of “can anyone relate to this?” or whatever helps u.

we can do this. we can change our thoughts, even with any obstacles we may face, bc we are stronger than our egos. WE’RE GOD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! we can do ANYTHING.

the first step is knowing that faltering is okay. next is realizing that our knowledge of who we are doesn’t always match our thoughts, and that that is the nature of our brains. the next step is forgiving ourselves and moving on.

hopefully this rant wasn’t too jumbled or confusing, i kinda just wrote it here without any planning lolz. i need to figure out a format.

and i hope some of u could relate to my struggle. be as open as u want in the replies. i will not judge. if u need to make ur own little rant, it’s fine by me.

also, sorry for being gone for a while. i don’t use tumblr very much anymore. i’m slowly falling away from all apps except pinterest, amazon and depop 😅 but dw, i won’t let myself fall too far. i luv tumblr and the non-dualism and loa community has changed my life and opened my mind in so many ways. even if i haven’t succeeded at getting all my desires quite yet, it’s okay. i will succeed. maybe not right away, but i will. and so will u. (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

[douglysium]

Episode 8 TMP Quick Thoughts

Housekeeping and Prologue

Hello, this is Douglysium and you might not know me as that guy who wrote over 100 pages of analysis on the Eye (which can be read on Tumblr here (https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/735599414228484097/the-relationships-between-the-dread-powers-the) or Google Docs here (The Relationships Between the Dread Powers: The Eye- Knowledge is Fear and Ignorance is Bliss)) or as that guy who wrote an article on the Extinction (which can be read on Tumblr here(https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/717929126195003392/what-would-avatars-of-the-extinction-be-like-a) and Google Docs here(​What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation)). Suffice to say I might be a bit of a TMA fan. Also, spoilers for TMP up until episode 8. You can read my ramblings on the last episode here (TMP Quick Thoughts 7).

However, Protocol offers a very unique opportunity and experience for me because I didn’t actually get into TMA until after it was over and I binged all of it. So this is my first time experiencing something even remotely similar to what the original TMA fans probably experienced when waiting for each episode week by week and slowly having to put everything together with the limited information they had. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring since this might be my only chance to do something similar. However, I’m working on some longer form TMA content so I can’t spend as much time on these articles giving a bunch of super detailed thoughts. I will try to keep these short and that inevitably might mean some could have questions about why I think or predict certain things and in those cases I would probably recommend you read at least some of the two articles I mentioned above to get a better idea of where I’m coming from. This also means I won’t be giving you a play-by-play of every single thing that happens in the episode so I encourage you to listen to or read them yourselves and feel free to comment if you feel something is important.

These reviews are probably going to end up focusing mostly on the Entities and their manifestations as they are what I have thought about the most and spent the most time interpreting and there’s been a lot of… interesting theories floating around about how the Entities are manifesting that I want to go over.

Finally, I’m just going to say it right now, spoiler warning for all of The Magnus Archives. I know that Jon and co said one could start with Protocol and be fine, and while that’s probably true, media like this tends to be made in conversation with or take into consideration what came before it in the irl chronology in order to connect them. While I’m sure you could skip The Magnus Archives, I don't really see the point of skipping over it when we are already getting characters from TMA showing up in TMP in Protocol. So to me it’s pretty clear that if we want to understand the full picture of TMP and all the things it is trying to say then we can’t just try to pretend TMA doesn’t exist or scrub it away. Just because you could understand what’s happening without the context in broad strokes doesn’t mean you're getting all the nuances.

These articles are meant to be quick and short so sorry if there’s typos and if I don’t address every possible question or possibility. I don’t want to repeat myself too much in this series outside of the prologue so be sure to skim some of my other articles.

Episode 8 “Running on Empty”

This time we dive directly into a statement that NORRIS is giving which means the intro is a bit faster than usual. This statement takes the form of a paper being submitted by Terrance Stevens to Joseph Peterson. In the end Terrance is stuck with a failing grade but the teacher left a note of “see me” and in the assignment itself Terrance does try to explain the late submission and extenuating circumstances. Which seem to be acknowledged by the teacher with “Extenuating circumstances: Serious Medical Condition, Trauma, Miscellaneous.”

Terrance decided to do their assignment on “Forton’s Brutal Liminality, a case study of architecturally induced psychological stressors as a result of prolonged exposure to liminal spaces in the Brutalist mode as exhibited by Forton Service Station.” They elaborate with “This paper will present a comprehensive analysis of Forton Services as a key site of study for the intersection between Brutalism and Liminal space design with a secondary focus on the psychological stresses such sites can cause.”

Later in the statement Terrance gives us the definitions of Brutalism and Liminal that they are working with (which is extremely helpful because upon looking it up I got 3-4 common definitions for Liminal). “Brutalism, originating from the French 'béton brut' - raw concrete, is an architectural movement that focuses on utilitarian purpose. This often results in exposed raw materials, stark forms, repetitive geometric shapes and monolithic structures. This can often lead endusers to feel overwhelmed or oppressed. (Zumthor, P. 2006)”. “'Liminal' spaces, derived from the Latin 'limen', meaning 'threshold' are transitional spaces normally inhabited for short periods. They have been shown to have marked effects upon the psychology of those exposed to them and long-term exposure has been found to illicit anxiety responses (Augé, M. 1995), (Bachelard, G. 1994) and feelings of the uncanny (Trigg, D. 2012).” In case the second definition is a bit confusing, what Terrance is referring to when they say “transitional spaces normally inhabited for short periods” are things like hallways. Places that exist almost entirely for people to pass through from one area to another.

Terrance’s report seems extremely focused on architecture and the psychological effects they can have. Within TMA Smirke’s architecture could actually interact with and influence the Entities in various ways and they were noted to have a higher likelihood of hauntings and supernatural events occurring within them being reported than other buildings do. Plus, the Entities themselves can manifest as physical places. This is seen with not just the Domains but also how people can be physically thrown into the Entities (for example, someone can physically enter The Buried or Lonely. Various people have been taken by the Entities to other unknown locations and there’s a non-zero chance that at least some of these people ended up within Entities so their fear could be fed on). Terrance also says “My hypothesis is that that Forton services, as a site of intersection between these two psychologically significant elements can be considered a site of what I have termed “Brutal Liminalism” and this is why it has a profound effect upon those exposed to it in the long term as testified by my own experiences. Specifically, it creates an effect of absence despite presence, an “architectural hunger" of a sort.”

I also have to wonder if architecture will be as important in TMP as it was in TMA and if so how? Did this universe’s Smirke somehow meet the Entities or is some of the architecture in TMP just coincidentally reacting with the Entities? Maybe it has nothing to do with Smirke and someone else has connected the dots in regards to architecture and the supernatural?

Terrance goes on to explain that areas such as Forton were originally conceived as locations one would actually stay at for prolonged periods of time but the increasing popularity of cars and similar vehicles along with the overdevelopment of the road infrastructure in the UK led to Forton becoming a place people merely pass through overtime. A liminal space if you will. Basically Forton went from being sort of like a metaphorical “room” one would actually stay in to a “hallway” that people just pass through. This also meant that more people would be traveling through Forton and “This increase in travelers, far beyond older design parameters, has led to an ephemeral flux of people transitioning through service stations at all hours, leaving only trash in their wake. Not only this, there are perceived time distortions associated with such spaces exacerbated by the deliberate absence of clocks (to encourage longer stays) and 24 hour opening times with rolling opening, closing, cleaning and restocking routines.” In case you aren’t aware, ephemeral means “lasting for a very short time.” So among other things, Terrance is saying that there is a spike of people in Forton but they are not permanent or consistent residents. It’s a bunch of people flowing in and out of it constantly.

“I propose that because these spaces are devoid of persistent humanity and consistent time perception, they have thus become dislocated from humanity’s shared mindscape and there are unique health risks to people who are over-exposed to this phenomenon. In essence, I believe the “architectural hunger” of a space that resents its own transitional nature can be dangerous and I have a unique personal insight into this phenomenon.” The term “humanity’s shared mindscape” gives me pause but I suppose the Entities could be considered a shared mindscape? They are explicitly born from and maintained by the collective fear of animals, and while this can be the fear of any animal it is noted that most of the Entities tend to lean towards feeding off of humans specifically, with the exception of The Hunt and The Flesh, because their fears tends to be more “nuanced.” So you could describe most of the Entities as mindscapes that tend to revolve around humans even if not completely. Not to mention, that despite the Entities being very metaphysical in many ways you can still physically enter them, and they do like to mold themselves out of specific fears in order to best terrify the person within them. So they are kind of like mindscapes born of fear.

It’s also interesting that Terrance says “architectural hunger.” The term hunger seems to be appearing a lot which has led to much speculation. I’m still a bit on the fence about this but even in TMA there were at least some references to hunger. How Entities and Avatars gathered fear was often portrayed using food metaphors. If an Avatar could not gather enough fear over a period of time they would “starve” and feel extremely weak if not die for example. When Jude Perry is describing how being an Avatar works to Jon she says “Feed it, fearlessly and without hesitation, or it will feed on you.” In MAG 200, when describing how the Entities came to be, we get “But fear was here and true and was itself, and it hungered. It wished to know more. It wished to feel more. It wished to be more.”, “And something else began to happen. Some minds did not simply recoil from them and feed them. Some seemed almost to call them, to court them, to hunger for them in return.”, and “And with this newfound power came greed. The hunger for more, the unformed, unfocused, but impossibly huge desire to exist. To join the minds that gave them shape and purpose, and finally drink their fill ‘til they were one and the same. They had no concept of how, or when, or even why, but they needed it. They needed it.” So the Entities have always sort of been described as “hungering” or “feeding” in my opinion even if it’s being pushed more now.

Terrance details how they took a job as a janitor at Forton Services after a divorce and it “cost me the majority of my friendships. The ensuing stress episode led me to quit my job as a deputy fiduciary services administrator. I thus applied and successfully interviewed for a low stress Janitor role despite my overqualifications. At the same time I successfully applied for the Architecture Program at Lancashire University as a mature, 51 year old student.” The fact that this seems to take place recently after a divorce and that the divorce led to the loss of many of Forton’s relationships could point to themes of The Lonely. It wouldn’t be the first time someone got dragged into The Lonely after a relationship goes sour (as seen in MAG 150 (Cul-De-Sac)).

Terrance says that they believe Forton to be “an ideal example of “Brutal Liminalism” given its status as both a popular motorway service station and a landmark of brutalist architecture.” and they specifically note the tower as being the primary reason for this place being an ideal example of brutalist architecture. The tower is noted as being closed to the public despite being listed in 2012. I wonder if this tower specifically has something going on with it. Maybe the architecture is similar to Smirke’s or there is some other type of architecture that could elicit increased supernatural reactions and / or maybe even encourage different manifestations. It wouldn’t be completely unreasonable to assume that there is potentially more than one way to build something that reacts strongly with the Entities, even if such an idea is unfounded at this point.

Terrance describes the site by saying “The site is seventeen point seven acres featuring an eastern picnic site and facilities on both sides of the M6 motorway with seating for 700 people, 101 toilets and 403 parking spaces. The top of the tower once held a fine dining restaurant with a roof-level sun terrace both of which featured unmatched panoramic views of the surrounding rural countryside on all sides.” While the tower used to be open at one point, Terrance explains “Unfortunately, the effects of Brutal Liminality soon took effect with a 1978 government review describing the site as “a soulless fairground” and the restaurant became a trucking lounge before being closed to the public in 1989. No-one has eaten there in decades. There were later failed attempts to repurpose the space but in 2017, the two pentagonal lifts in the center of 

the Tower shaft were replaced leaving the higher floors derelict and inaccessible. The tower still stands overlooking the surrounding countryside, the only access via the Brutally Liminal Forton Services below, but the entrance is sealed and this is perhaps for the best.” 

But while Terrance was unable to enter the tower itself they claim to have started undergoing “a psychological shift” nevertheless. They describe this supposed shift as “subtle,” so much so that they didn’t even originally notice it and assumed there to be a more rational explanation. “Put simply, there were less and less people every night. At first, I assumed it was some seasonal change I hadn’t accounted for but every day it grew more pronounced until finally, one night, I realized that I had not seen a single person.” Terrance says that this is impossible and they even went to verify their log. They would go on to check the parking lot but didn’t see a single car. Once again, this parallels a lot of the themes and manifestations of The Lonely for obvious reasons tied to being isolated both physically and emotionally. Terrance then notices something in the parking lot. Something that they describe as “...streaks of light lingering in the air. There was a nebulous haze across the entire car park, a mélange of muted colors punctuated with more vivid reds, whites and yellows but even more curiously I realized it primarily hovered above the asphalt. The Greenery and walkways were mostly clear. The effect was curiously familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. I have since been unable to determine if this effect was psychological, physiological, or atmospheric in nature but I maintain that the phenomena was accompanied by a disquieting sense of absence. Of hunger.” Once again, a reference to hunger.

While most of the statement up until this point has been pretty heavy on potentially Lonely themes, this leans a bit more Spiral-like with the kind of strange lights being seen. Terrance does also describe the lights being seen as chaotic. Despite this it’s not like all The Lonely type stuff suddenly stops. Terrance says that they managed to make out details “...in those long, waving, iridescent strips” and they “...could trace denser routes through the chaos leading through the main doors to the facilities and as I watched a memory of my ex-wife’s photography leapt unbidden to mind, my favorite shot that she’d given me on our seventh anniversary: “A study of traffic.” So what could be happening here is that an Entity is attempting to remind Terrance of their ex-wife as well as some of the pictures she had taken in an attempt to amplify certain emotions or feelings (such as loneliness). Terrance even goes on to say “That’s when I realized why this all felt so familiar. Timelapse. If I could have walked into that photo, this must be what it would have felt like. It would have been beautiful if it weren’t so unsettling.” So Terrance might have literally walked into a place modeled after a photo taken by their ex-wife. Additionally, when they were married Terrance would have had way more friends. So this memory could also call back to a time when they felt less alone this heightening there current feelings of isolation.

The haze’s connection to the asphalt is probably due to the fact that the picture Terrance’s wife had taken was “A study of traffic.” So highlighting the asphalt would help remind Terrance of the photo due to streets, sidewalks, cars and all that. However, you could also make an argument for themes relating to The Extinction if you were so inclined. In MAG 134, “Time of Revelation,” Adelard Dekker says this in regards to his theory about the Power “But now the fear is not of a rapture or a revelation. It is of catastrophic change. Mankind will warp the world so much it kills us all, and leaves only a thousand years of plastic behind. Technology will strip us of what it means to be human, and leave us something alien and cold. We will press a button that in a moment will destroy everything we have ever been. Animals are witnessing the end of their entire species within a single generation.” So you card argue that highlighting concrete as opposed to potentially more naturalistic landmarks like greenery could point to urbanization and a less natural future. Terrance does also mention in his theory that a major factor as to why the architecture has become a negative force is because overtime Forton has changed to a more liminalist space due to urbanization and an increase on the reliance of cars (which can also be tied to some fears that The Extinction might often correspond to (such as climate change and being rendered obsolete)).

However, you could still make a very solid argument for the influence of something like The Spiral as Terrance also says “In retrospect I was clearly having some kind of severe hallucinatory episode brought on by long-term exposure to the space.” So there is a potential awareness and fear that Terrance might be mistaken or their senses are wrong. Terrance feels like they should try to avoid the glowing mist and even feel the instinct to hide “ to find somewhere, anywhere that I might be free of that overwhelming miasma sloshing back and forth within the foyer threatening to wash me away with it.” (A foyer means “an entrance hall or other open area in a building used by the public, especially a hotel or theater.”) While it’s not impossible that another Entity might be manifesting as mist or fog I think it’s interesting Terrance notes the presence of glowing mist since we know that Entities such as The Lonely tend to manifest as it a lot. This is probably to heighten the sense of isolation because of the fact that fog and mist not only obscure vision but also tend to muffle sound. These qualities can make it harder to tell if there are others around you, which might make you feel alone. Fog and mist can also be associated with melancholy. It could also make it potentially ironic that Terrance’s first instinct is to hide and thus potentially further isolate himself.

However, rather ironically, there are ways fog and mist could hypothetically relate to The Spiral. Some other definitions of fog include “something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's thought processes” and “bewilder or puzzle (someone).” Both of which could point to the idea of fog or mist manifesting as a metaphor made literal in order to confuse someone.

Terrance also refers to the mist as a miasma. A word that can mean “a highly unpleasant or unhealthy smell or vapor” or “an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere which surrounds or emanates from something.” I would assume that the second definition is more applicable here even if the mist could smell terrible. Terrance starts trying to get out of dodge by moving away from the main entrance and “away from the densest areas of the kaleidoscope in the hopes of finding somewhere less overwhelmingly saturated.” A strange kaleidoscope of colors could once again point to The Spiral.

Things get a bit weirder when Terrance says “And that was when I saw the woman. She was tall, young, and thin, almost to the point of malnourishment, dressed similarly to a stewardess with a tightly fitting blue waistcoat buttoned over a sensible looking grey skirt. She was beaming, holding open the door to the lift and inviting me inside. There was a small brass badge on her waistcoat, but instead of a name it simply read “You are here”.” The sight of this woman causes Terrance to hesitate and “before I could consider her strangeness a particularly high tide of color swept down the corridor toward me. I panicked, and before I realized what I was doing I had darted inside the lift and slammed the close-door button.” It quickly becomes apparent that Terrance is in the elevator with the woman as they say “Thank you!” and “She didn’t seem to notice and instead continued to smile warmly at me as she reached across and pushed the button for the penultimate floor marked “Restaurant”. A button I knew was disabled. The lift started to climb.” 

I wonder if the colors Terrance was running from are a metaphorical representation of their past. Maybe if the colors caught them they would have found themselves trapped in a world modelled after their wife’s phot of the past. We also know that The Lonely has manifested as weird colors. In MAG 186 (Quiet) Martin’s Domain is mentioned as being monochrome in color. So I wonder if the vibrant colors chasing Terrance would mean everything else outside of it seems more drab and less colorful in comparison? Then again there’s still argument for The Spiral with the dizzying array of colors.

As Terrance catches his breath the woman says ““Good Evening!” She exclaimed, “It’s my pleasure to welcome you! You are here! Stay awhile!”” Terrance tries to ask her some questions but she says nothing with a wide grin on her face. Eventually the doors Terrance are leaning on open and he tumbles into the tower. To which the woman only responds with “Stay awhile!” before the doors close. Terrance had actually seen the locked tower stairway, after being shown it by Molly on their first day, and the tower shouldn’t have anything in the room Terrance is in “apart from damp and broken furniture. At least, there shouldn’t have been.” Despite this impossibility, in front of Terrance now lay “...a restaurant, spotless and bright with retro 60s décor and the sweet smell of frying pork drifting towards me from the central kitchen. Chairs and tables lined the outside wall, each of which sported a large window which would have granted an impressive view of the landscape below if they weren’t all blacked out. This didn’t seem to concern the diners however, who were perfectly content eating whilst chatting amiably with one another.” This sight actually gives Terrance a moment of relief “...for as strange as the situation was, at least there were people. I was no longer trapped in that bizarre, solitary, aurora limbo downstairs. The feeling faded though, when I heard what they were saying, or rather what they weren’t saying.”

The seemingly starving woman was strange, but I think there are some things in this restaurant that could once again point to The Lonely. As I’ve mentioned before The Lonely has manifested as people before, most notably a faceless crown in MAG 48 (Lost in the Crowd). The Lonely has also manifested as languages that sound vaguely familiar but upon closer inspection sound like gibberish. In MAG 150 (Cul-de-Sac) we get “My hand drifted down and brushed the plastic remote control. Almost on instinct, I picked it up and turned the TV on. A cooking show. A woman I almost recognized fussing over a turkey. She was talking, or at least it sounded like she was, the cadence and the sounds were so much like English that it took me almost a full minute to realize that she wasn’t actually saying words.” I assume this is meant to emphasize a feeling of isolation and disconnect. The idea that you cannot understand others and others cannot understand you. Even if you aren’t alone physically you are alone in your experiences and people cannot relate to you while you have trouble relating to them. 

I think it’s also interesting that Terrance feels a moment of relief upon seeing other people. This may seem weird for something like The Lonely to do but in reality it wouldn’t be any different than say The End extending someone’s life. Entities such as The Lonely aren’t the embodiment of loneliness but a manifestation of the FEAR of it. Sometimes the Entities seem prone to give someone some sort of “protection” or “benefit” either temporarily or permanently that might seem to run counter to what the Powers crave at first but in reality it’s the Entity trying to harvest as much fear as possible by trying to give someone something and then threaten to (or actually) take it away. The End’s behavior in TMA makes a lot more sense when you remember that it isn’t literally death but the fear of it, and the longer certain people are alive the more they can fear losing their life. What I’m trying to get across is that just because Terrance feels a moment of relief that doesn’t mean that the feeling of loneliness isn’t a massive factor or aspect here. When Terrance describes their relief they even say “bizarre, solitary, aurora limbo downstairs.” Emphazing that one of the most concerning aspects of what was happening downstairs was the “solitary” part of it. Of course, it might be too early to say that’s exactly what’s going on here so let's keep looking through the statement.

“Looking around, the restaurant was near capacity with only one free table but when I tried to listen to any one conversation it was just… noise. A muffled murmur that sounded like speech but held no information. Their mouths were moving but all I could make out was a meaningless garble, just the impression of speech, nothing more.” Once again, more Lonely-esque gibberish. You could also argue The Spiral with how Terrance thinks he can understand what they are saying but upon listening he can’t or The Stranger in how he doesn’t know what they are saying or who they are. However, I would point out that it has become clear that this fake speech has seemingly caused a distancing effect with Terrance that’s making it harder for him to relate and connect to them as people. He even goes on to say “Similarly, as I looked closer at the diners themselves, I noticed oddly repeating elements to them. Three women were wearing the same blood-red heels. Two men, the same blue coats and worse, there were even recurring features iterating on different faces: the same green eyes on two women, identical moustaches on three men. These were as much an impression of people as the sound was an impression of speech. And they were all so horribly thin.” In essence, these aren’t people Terrance can talk to or connect with. You could also point to some themes of The Stranger since it is an Entity that loves to manifest as fake people or odd seemingly nonsensical and uncanny behaviors. 

The chef is also equally as weird and they are described as having  “the same smile on his face below a fourth version of a bushy moustache and an identical “You are here” name tag on his chest. He gestured from his place behind the counter to the only open table:“Good Evening!” He cried, “You are here! We hope you stay awhile!”” So basically everyone here looks like a bunch of npc characters that had had the same handful of physical traits copied and pasted over and over. Terrance is taken aback by the chef’s reaction and catches himself as he instinctively steps back towards the table. They note that as this happens “...everybody in the room seemed to lean ever so slightly forward in anticipation.” Terrance also feels a breeze which in turn causes them to realize that the windows are not in fact blacked out but that “They weren’t even windows. They were gaping square holes and beyond them was nothing at all. Any one of the diners could reach out if they had a mind to and plunge their hand outwards into the dark, foreboding and utterly featureless void. There was nothing. Nothing above, nothing below, nothing at all. Nothing, save the tower and the restaurant.” Terrance says “My whole body recoiled from that awful absence, and I retreated backwards towards the lift. That was when the gentle murmur of nonspeech abruptly ceased to be replaced with a complete and utter silence.”

You could easily point to the void as resembling The Dark (and that’s a fair comparison) but you could also relate it to The Lonely. The idea of a black lifeless void in which you sit utterly alone sounds similar to how some would describe the cold empty vacuum of space. The Lukas family was involved in the creation of the Daedalus space station and messed around with fears relating to The Lonely and space by torturing some poor sap in TMA. In MAG 57 (Personal Space) we get two lines that I think could relate to this theme. “But still the fact remained that where the Earth should have been, there was empty, dark space. I must have watched for hours waiting to see the sun. We were definitely still moving, and from what I could tell we still seemed to be moving in some sort of orbit, but without a planet below I have no idea why we kept the same pattern. Regardless, the sun should have been visible sooner or later.” and “Each time I painstakingly entered it with as much precision as I still had within me, and each time the password field read out what I had apparently typed in:“No one is coming” and the door remained closed. And that was it. I was trapped alone in a tiny room floating in space deserted empty space.”

Everyone in the room continues to smile and the chef once again says “Stay awhile.” but it is clear to Terrance that this is no longer a request. The diners create an echoing effect by repeating the chef’s words over and over like a chorus. Okay, this is where things veer away from standard Lonely, Spiral, or Stranger manifestations as the people in the restaurant begin to grab Terrance and then “a man with that same moustache leant down towards my leg, opened his mouth, and bit into me. Pain shot through my body, but my thrashing was in vain as one of the women buried her teeth in my shoulder, and I could feel hot blood flowing down my back as whilst at the same time the chef took off one of my fingers, the bone barely slowing his chiseled jaw.” Sam screams from the pain “...but the sound withered draining out the windows into nothing.” I think it’s interesting to note this vacuum like effect. The Lonely is often connected to silence (since if there’s no one nearby things are more likely to be quiet. Think of an abandon city or town and how quiet that would be). Also, connecting to the space metaphor is the idea “no one can hear you scream.” Well, in this case it’s more the idea that no one is coming to help Terrance. He is completely on his own with no allies.

Thanks to a rush of adrenaline Terrance manages to fight his way out of the crowd of brittle and emaciated bodies and “The lift had disappeared as if it had never been. And beyond the windows was of course nothing. “You are here”, I thought bitterly. and so when faced with the prospect of being eaten alive, or leaping out one of those windows into pure oblivion, it was no choice at all. I jumped.”

So obviously, potentially some themes of The Flesh in relation to the fear of being eaten or consumed might have come out of left field and made whatever is going on here a bit more confusing and vague. However, there are still some themes of The Lonely here. It’s important to remember that The Lonely isn’t just the fear of being physically alone but also mentally alone. It’s possible to be surrounded by tons of people everyday but still feel alone due to disconnect or the idea that no one would care if you’re gone. In this way you could interpret the other peoples’ odd behavior as an attempt to alienate Terrance. The description of the restaurant also paints it as extremely superficial and shallow. The people can’t really be connected with and there’s nothing outside of the windows. The people Terrance finds comfort in for a brief moment quickly turn to consume him, seeing him not as a person that can be related to but as something to be used up. In a way, Terrance is sort of objectified. Which is an idea that both The Flesh and The Lonely could overlap in. The idea of being but a resource to be harvested like meat and something no one cares about because people only see someone as an object.

However, like always, you can very easily argue some other Entities (something that I can’t spend too much time on because this article is already long enough as it is and I would be repeating myself). You could argue The Spiral with the confusing imagery and appeal to madness or faulty senses, The Stranger loves to manifest as people acting odd and uncanny (such as Breekon and Hope’s as well as the Anatomy Students’ odd behavior). Potentially, the entire scene is just meant to be uncanny and the people unknown strangers speaking and unknown language that Terrance cannot relate to. Of coursem The Flesh loves using the imagery of people being consumed. You could also point to themes of The Slaughter with how people are attacking Terrance and the violence involved.

The plunge out the window is of course what leads to Terrance’s injuries and acts as an explanation for why they submitted their assignment late and they write off the experience as “stress-induced psychotic episode” which could once again point to The Spiral in terms of theming. Terrance once again mentions “hungry architecture” when they say “This experience is proof of the intense mental pressure that such Brutal Liminalism can have upon a person who is overexposed to such “hungry architecture”.”

I wonder if Terrance is on to something with the architecture. While there is a precedent for architecture being connected to the supernatural in TMA I have to wonder if Terrance is simply mistaken about the source because they don’t have the full picture. I mean Terrance wouldn’t know that the TMA universe exists and that’s where the Entities might come from. Even the average person in TMA wouldn’t necessarily correctly identify the architecture as having any sort of impact on the supernatural. The whole thing with the tower could be a manifestation tied specifically to Terrance’s perception or specific encounter. But there is always the chance Terrance is on to something, and there is a precedent for some of what they say. It could be that the tower’s architecture might have something to do with what’s happening (even if it’s not in the way Terrance thinks). However, Entities do manifest as places people walk into all the time even without specific architecture coaxing them, so it’s hard for me to say.

We cut to the CCTV in the breakroom and see Gwen and Alice interacting. Gwen expresses annoyance that Alice didn’t refill the kettle but Alice claims that there’s still a bit of water in the kettle even though Gwen says “There’s not even a third of a cup in there!” However, Gwen makes an extremely interesting comment here when she says “It’s bad enough that you deliberately try to find talkers and leave them running just to mess with me-” I don’t think Alice is evil, annoying, or as mean as some fans think she is but this would paint Gwen and Alice’s relationship as even more antagonistic. It’s also interesting that Alice is constantly telling Sam to ignore the statements (presumably because of the mental toll they can have on people) and then proceeds to leave them running for Gwen. It could be that Alice expects Gwen to ignore them but I wonder if the statements are actually getting to her. In MAG 102 (Nesting Instinct) Jon seems concerned when Martin mentions that he’s been reading multiple statements. When Jon asks him about it Martin says “B-B… Yeah. I mean, i-it wasn’t fun, but… I mean, if it, if it helps then I –” so there is a precedent for statements similar to the ones in the OIAR having a negative psychological effect on various people.

Also, something that I continue to rant about is how The Eye isn’t just the fear of being watched but also of watching. Of seeing too much. The Eye is noted in MAG 200 to have been born from the fear of one’s eyes “showing them too much” and we see other allusions to this like Jonah’s ability to shove information into the heads of other people like Melanie and Martin (forcing them to know things they don’t want to). I’m not saying Alice is a secret Eye Avatar just because this idea happens to parallel someone hearing something they don’t want to but rather that Alice might have a personality The Eye might like more than one would think at first blush. Also, the OIAR or the computers could be tied to The Eye but I’m not sure if it would mean the workers are in the same way that the Archivist and the assistants in the Archives in The Magnus Institute were tied to The Beholding. Teddy was seemingly able to leave this job while Jon, Tim, etc. couldn’t just leave theirs without a heavy price. There is no mention of Tim going blind or losing a finger or anything either. 

So at the moment it does sort of seem like anyone can just leave the OIAR if they want to but maybe there’s a cost or condition we are not aware of. It might also depend on your status in the organization. Lower ranked people might be able to leave freely but people like Lena may be unable to. In TMA we know only the people working in the Archives were bound by the contract and presumably everyone working in all the other parts of the Institute could leave or quite whenever they wanted to (causing others to often see the Archives as weird).

Gwen and Alice also have a brief discussion about Gwen’s new position.

GWEN 

 “External Liaison”. 

ALICE 

“And of course, we both know what that means. Right? “

GWEN 

“I assume I’m going to be managing a bunch of contractors.”

ALICE 

“(Interested despite herself) Contractors for what?”

GWEN 

“I’ll be receiving a more comprehensive overview “shortly”.”

It is interesting that the transcripts clarify Alice is “Interested despite herself” which might point to her being more curious or nosy about certain things than she lets on. The mention of contractors is interesting. I wonder if potentially certain groups aligned with various Entities have some sort of deal with the government. That still doesn’t narrow it down that much since it wouldn’t automatically explain why the government would be involved. Maybe they view certain monsters and Avatars as being like weapons in their back pocket or maybe they are just trying to appease them to curb the number of victims / collateral damage? The police force in TMA did make use of Hunters so maybe something similar could be going on with other Entities in this universe. I could totally see a shady government official attempting to use the power of The Eye to set up a spy network or something. However, the Entities still don’t seem like common knowledge in this universe, so even if that was true I doubt the government is just sending entire armies of Slaughter enhanced soldiers running around or something. These are still spitballs though and I’m not completely sold on the government trying to use the Fears as some sort of weapon or resource. I just think that somehow parts of the government are involved.

We get news from Alice that Colin has been put on mental health leave (probably due to the fight between him and Sam over Sam’s phone, which led to the phone’s untimely destruction). When told this news Gwen says “always said he was unbalanced.” but Alice is more suspicious of this news and says “You say a lot of things, mostly crap. I dunno... Feels like something’s going on here” (which isn’t completely unfounded since we know Alice has had this job for a while now). Alice says Sam and Celia went out together and makes a sex joke that Gwen seems disgusted by.

We cut to Sam’s phone and bare witness to Sam and Celia interacting with Gerry (Gerard) and Gertrude. These aren’t THE Gerard and Gertrude from TMA (they are both dead anyway) but instead parallel versions. So this is a coffee shop AU (not literally a coffee shop since they mention being in an apartment) of Gerard and Gertrude (good for them). They seem more well adjusted and happier and Gerry still paints in this universe. Although, it seems he has a lot more paintings. It could be that he just didn’t have as much time to paint in TMA or we just never saw the rest of the paintings TMA Gerard made. Gerry gives Sam and Celia a painting called “Camden Epiphany” as a gift. An epiphany can refer to a moment of sudden revelation or insight but it can also mean “a manifestation of a divine or supernatural being.” So I wonder if the painting foreshadows something. In MAG 4 (Page Turner) one of TMA Gerard’s paintings are described as “an eye. Very detailed, and at first I almost would have said almost photorealistic, but the more I looked at it, the more I saw the patterns and symmetries that formed into a single image, until I was so focused on them that I started to have difficulty seeing the eye itself. Written below it were three lines, in fine green calligraphy: “Grant us the sight that we may not know. Grant us the scent that we may not catch. Grant us the sound that we may not call.”” Something that seems to relate to The Eye. Gerry later mentions he was a part of the Institute’s “gifted kids programs” at some point and I wonder if this is because the kids in question were really smart or had other traits the Institute was interested in. It’s also possible that the answer is as simple as “all the kids had encounters with the supernatural previously.”

Gertrude seems as suspicious as ever and acts as Gerry’s grandma. I don’t know if she is his adopted grandma or biological one. If she’s his biological grandma this could recontextualize the relationship between their TMA counterparts depending on how 1-to-1 you think some of these relationships are (but I’m not sure I buy that she’s biologically related in this way to Gerard in TMA since that would mean either Mary or Eric are her secret child or something). Gertrude being an adoptive grandma or something is still possible since there’s no guarantee that Mary Keay was any nicer of a person in this universe (whether or not she was obsessed with the Entities). It could also be that Mary and Eric just died in some other manner due to some divergence in the timeline when compared to TMA.

The fact that Gertude is here also vastly decreases the chances that Gertrude is not the one who burned down the Institute in this universe. Whether she did or didn’t, a lot of things went differently otherwise she would probably be blind from breaking out of the Institute’s contract (and I feel like someone would have noted if she was blind). Not to mention all the timeline stuff going on right now, since the Institute burned down way earlier in this universe. Sam asks Gerry about the Magnus Institute and it seems to immediately change the atmosphere in the room.

SAM 

“(cont.) I was on one of their gifted kids programs and -um- I got hold of a list of a few of the other kids and thought it might be nice if we could get in contact, swap stories and that.”

GERRY 

“Yeah I barely remember any of it.”

Beat. GERTRUDE disapproves. 

SAM 

“Oh, so you were a candidate?”

GERRY 

“Oh yeah but I was pretty young. I remember filling in a bunch of forms and questionnaires then some old men asking me questions about what books I liked to read, who did I look up to, that kind of thing. Then I left.”

SAM 

“(Disappointed) That’s all?” 

GERRY 

“Yea, afraid so. Other than just sitting around with a bunch of other kids in a room that smelled like old books.”

There’s not much to go on here but it does vaguely point to why Sam might be trying to look into the Institute. He may have had some sort of supernatural encounter at this “gifted kids programs.” All the stuff about forms, questions, and old books could point to The Eye and prodding questions as well as information or even leitners but there isn’t a whole lot to go off of.

I admit, it is a bit funny seeing Gerry so much less depressed but Gertrude is as suspicious and snarky as ever. Sam thanks Celia for coming with him even though they’ve only known each other for a few weeks which makes me wonder if Celia has any ulterior motives Especially, if she recognized Jon’s voice from last episode, she might somehow be familiar with Gerard and Gertrude but that still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me at the moment. It could also just be that she tagged along because she’s also interested in The Magnus Institute.

Celia then asks for a sort of favor- “I’m trying to look into… Weird physics stuff: time travel, other dimensions, teleportation, all that good stuff. Freddy doesn’t really do searches, so could you keep an eye out and let me know if any come up in your cases?” If you read my last Quick Thoughts or even just listened to the last TMP episode you may have noticed that there’s actually a lot that could point to Celia having traveled from TMA using the gap in reality. If you want to hear more thoughts on that you can read the first part of the previous Quick Thoughts.

Celia mentions she is doing a favor for Georgie and her podcast. In TMA Georgie Barker ran a podcast called “What The Ghost?” Sam says he did some research on Celia which would imply that this favor is for this universe’s Georgie but I wonder if Celia is somehow trying to maintain contact with or travel back to the TMA universe. I also wonder if someone like Georgie even tried to send her after the Entities. In MAG 200 we get-

BASIRA

"Yeah okay, you’ve made your point. [sigh] Would just be nice to know for sure."

GEORGIE

"All we can do is hope."

Which could point to an interest in where the Entities have gone. Last article I mentioned that Celia could potentially be worshiping the Entities now, but I failed to consider that maybe she does still worship or look up to Georgie and / or Melanie and was either tasked with some mission or took it upon herself. This could also explain why she knows so much since someone like Georgie, Melanie or Basira could’ve just filled her in at some point after TMA or maybe someone tried to explain to Celia what was happening in the tunnels. This also could’ve been a mere accident or something else entirely. Maybe something even weirder is happening, like the Entities have jumped from more than one universe since we saw them in TMA so this Celia isn’t from the TMA universe (but that’s potentially a stretch with no information to go one).

Although, Celia’s comment about “Weird physics stuff: time travel, other dimensions, teleportation...” does potentially point to some of my original assertions that the Entities may not have immediately appeared in this universe within the same year / date they left the TMA universe because time can get a bit wibbly wobbly with interdimensional travel in the TMA multiverse. Not to mention that The Change also fucked with time, which could’ve thrown things off even more. Of course Sam saying “Uh, sounds a bit sci-fi compared to our usuals. What’s this for? You’re not doing research for that podcast you were on, are you?” seems like a jab at TMA and how the multiverse exists in relation to supernatural horrors of the podcast itself.

Conclusion

Overall, this episode is very weird. Even weirder than I remember when you start trying to sift for details and clues. The statement is weird and Celia is weird but I’m curious to see what happens next. What / who caused the Institute to burn down if not Gertrude and what does that mean for this universe? Also, what is the OIAR actually supposed to do? Are they merely reviewing supernatural encounters similar to the Institute or are they supposed to take a more active role?

[rgrectangle]

BEHOLD, A PINNED POST!

hello, I'M rect∆ngle. idk How to do introductions so lEmme tRy anyway!

i'm 15 and i'm indonEsian 🇮🇩. 10th grader, still holding on.

i play rhythm games, maybe too much. that's mostly it :/

The games I play include:

- Arcaea

- Phigros

- Project Sekai (JP Server)

- TAKUMI³

- Lanota

- Rotaeno

- Maimai DX

- Dynamix

...And much, much more because I deleted a lot (for storage) and I forgot >_>

Other games I play include: (in no particular order)

- Roblox

- Blue Archive

I also like 東方Project a lot :3

Well, idk what to say anymore tbh...

My socials:

Youtube

Twitter (rarely posts)

Twitch (rarely streams)

Discord: louisowen

Have a lovely day :)

I'm gonna start posting updates here, if anyone sees this, thanks. But don't tell anyone else, especially her. Oh, and for @/cheezyharu and @/carro179 feel free to dm me via discord or tumblr, but absolutely not via the server, I have it muted. I will not be answering asks, either.

State that you came from my pinned post.

Oh and congrats if you came here from the haiku I posted. If not, welcome anyway.

_ _ _ _ _

30 November, 2024

Whoever is reading this, I'm ok (like hell I am), but I'm not gonna be publicly active for a while, only here in this tiny space I've created for myself, other servers, and occasionally, youtube uploads. I do want to say, that was fucking stupid of me, I'm truly sorry, but I'm too much of a coward to say it to everyone's face. I ruin every friendship I'm in, irl and online. I should shut up sometimes.

---

Hey, this is after writing that haiku and dropping all those hints and changes, god damn I want to talk to those two, but I'm just making it more difficult, aren't I? Fucking hell. Well, I'll just see if they could solve it.

Also, crazy thought, is this what it feels like to have a sibling? Or is this how some friendships go? Does a friendship have a phase where you don't talk to each other for extended periods of time?

---

I wonder if there is a character limit to posts.

...I'm trying to distract myself. I miss them so much. I... I'm looking at the 2ECONDS TO STARLIVHT app on my phone, what could have been if I... shut up.

I want to cry

No, stop it, you're a boy. Boys don't cry.

_ _ _ _ _

1 December, 2024

I'm tired. It's nighttime, I'm studying for tomorrow's finals, and I'm tired. Still kinda feel like shit tbh.

Just a nap...? No... there is no time...

Time... when...? When will I... fucking coward.

_ _ _ _ _

2 December 2024

I'll try to come back next week, after finals. Might still be busy with one (hopefully it stays at one) remedial and a project I took on for the school's Chinese New Year's event.

What happens when I come back...? Does she hate me? Should I come back? What if I say the wrong things again...?

---

Would this kill me?

_ _ _ _ _

3 December 2024

I feel kind of lonely... but it does help with studying. Today (and right now) I actually got myself to start writing down notes, so far I'm three pages in, and it only took me like 30 minutes.

_ _ _ _ _

4 December 2024

I... got 90 for PKn and 98 on Geography...

I don't know how to feel, to be honest.

To be so close to perfection, yet...

Only one mistake in the multiple choices for Geography.

Also discovered that I got a 45 on Math. I'm slow, I know. Only got a few questions done before the time ran out ._.

Hopefully that'll be my only remedial. Tomorrow I have Chemistry and English, along with Scouts for whatever reason. They just announced that suddenly smh

_ _ _ _ _

5 December 2024

All of 10th grade worked together on scouts exam (clearly not allowed), pretty sure everyone failed anyway. Scouts is a bitch.

So uh, the PKN/Geography teacher decided to deduct like, 8 points from our grades ._.

Yeah I got roped into it as well... He did say that there might be other point additions/deductions. We'll see tomorrow.

Now, the only reason I'm talking about this is because I think we weren't completely in the wrong. You see, they suddenly announced the scouts exam, and not a single bit of materials were given out. We didn't know anything. They didn't teach us anything, either. It's like they were just setting all of 10th (and maybe 11th) grade up for failure.

Oh btw that point deduction made the passing rate (for PKN) drop from ~96% to only about 30%.

_ _ _ _ _

6 December 2024

Last exam done. Update on PKN and Geography: The point deduction thing was a joke and we didn't actually do that well, the teacher put a random big number to troll everyone on the first two days (I still BARELY passed PKN with a 71, Geography score should be out soon).

---

I got a 90 on Geography :3

Highest score in 10th grade (tied with someone smh).

[asmodeussoularium]

I'm retiring.

(Read with caution)

This is the thing I must do for myself. I have lost the passion, and the feeling I had when I write. I don't feel like writing anymore for now.

Back when I started writing on Tumblr, I often told myself to write for "only myself," and along with passion, I posted fic after fic after fic. Those were the time I felt the least restricted.

Until the moment I noticed I wasn't raking in enough notes than other debuting writers. When they were surprised about hitting 200+ notes on debut, I couldn't even hit 100 notes after 10 fics. I was writing a very niche genre in the community, and while passion was still there, I became more self-aware.

So I gave up on my first genre, and started Sins Corp.

It was great fun—writers creating a shared universe as we create our own plot. I felt like I could do anything. I wrote the idols I love the most, and I could still write the things I liked. Notes began coming in, and I was in a surge. I got complimented by other writers, and finally I managed to hit 100 notes on a regular basis. That felt like heaven—I liked what I was doing, and people also liked what I was doing.

But then I failed to keep up.

As the community grew. More and more writers debuted, and more and more readers entered. When one day a new writer reaped 500+ notes on his first try, I began to panic.

"I spent months and months; fics after fics just to hit 150+ notes. He outdid me five times more with one try."

I'm a competitive person, and at the same time, I'm a very bad loser. I can never take losses and failures well. I began to complain, and I let jealousy and saltiness take over me. I failed (and still is) to understand why everyone else but me can get 500 notes by merely breathing.

At the same time I began looking into myself: maybe my writing skill weren't enough, or maybe I wasn't writing about a Tier-One idol? Or maybe I wasn't writing porn-without-plot? I reached out to other writers for help. Their advice did help me improve my writing, but one thing that didn't change was my note count.

Along with my jealousy, it rubbed a lot of people in the community up the wrong way, and as self-conscious as I could be, I began sabotaging myself.

I knew a lot of people in the community had blocked me. Some outright mentioned how they didn't want me to return after I left the server once. I was the counter-example of "how not to ruin a writer."

But then I forgot the fact there were still a lot of people who cared about me. I kept on sabotaging, and eventually they reached their limit, and burnt the bridges. I ruined a lot of friendships along the way, and that destroyed me further.

I'm sorry for all of those who tried to help me. I'm still the attention seeker nobody likes.

In a nutshell, everything happened because of me. I was jealous, and I compared notes with notes. With that there is no passion anymore. I write so I can try hit 500 notes; I write popular idols so I can try for 500 notes. I write a specific plot so I can hit 500 notes. Of course none of my attempts have worked.

And even worse, I'm now writing like a zombie. No passion, just the instinct of opening Google Docs and typing out lifeless words. I'm not the guy who debuted with passion and aspiration anymore. I still pump out fics once per few months, but when I realize how bad I felt about my most recent fic only has 188 notes (no matter how good it was written). I know my time is up.

Allow me to be honest: I'm STARVING to get that 500-note count. I WANT it. I WANT everyone to like my fic, and I WANT to be the CENTER of ATTENTION.

But at the same time, I know this is destroying me mentally.

As much as how I "love" writing. I'm stopping this.

In two weeks I'll be deleting this blog. 14 days will be enough for me to have a second thought, but by that deadline if I still can't realize what mentality I should have to continue writing, there will be no more Asmodeus.

Still, without those 200 notes supporting me; without other writers and readers that tried to help me, I would definitely be in a worse place than now. Thank you for everything you have done, and I wanna say sorry to those who are still anticipating my future fics.

I hope this will not be the last message I'll type, and I hope Question to the Stars will not be my last fic on this blog.

Sorry, thank you, and maybe: Goodbye.

DNF for Asmo.