#i try my hardest to be a good friend and not show these more toxic symptoms as much but i always end up shoving them inward instead | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

xotaemintol · 2 months ago

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JSMR [pt.1]// LEE JENO X FEMBLACK READER

[she/her pronouns are used. Warning, this fanfiction includes: cursing, drinking, smoking, mentions of cheating, abusive relationship dynamics, mentions of cyber bullying, protected sex, virgin idol, and more. If any of this these things are triggering for you, please look away. Minors, do NOT interact. Thank you.]

//fluff with slight angst//

(Jeno is an AMSRIST, for the last few years he’s comforted you through your toxic relationship with his videos, lulling you to sleep on your most difficult nights. After years of being one of his biggest fans, you’re finally able to meet him through a mutual friend of yours and your worlds finally being to align.)

//your point of view//

"Everyone, welcome to J...S...M...R. I'm Jeno. Hello, hello, hello. Today, I have something exciting planned—it's a little different from the usual things I do, but I wanted to do something special since I'll be reaching 10 million subscribers soon. So, for today I-"

"Y/N!" I jump as my headphones are ripped out of my ears aggressively by my boyfriend. "I told you to be ready by 4pm on the dot, not 4:01, not 4:02, not 4:03. Four O'fucking clock, are you deaf or something? Like seriously, do I have to spell it out for you every time and then basically drag you out the house?" I roll my eyes and snatch my headphones back from his hand.

"I swear, it's like you're five years old or something. What adult is that bad at time management?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes, he shook his head and looked around the bathroom.

"It's only 3:57, why are you-" He cuts me off before I can finish and yells; "I don't care! I told you 4 O'clock!" He holds his hand up in my face, showing four fingers to further emphasize his point. "By the time we leave it'll be 4:02, I get that you're used to having no where to be and nothing to do unless I'm involved—but people like me are punctual." He complains.

Just like always I'm silent, listening his seemingly endless tirade. I never understand why he's so adamant on dragging me along to every single one of his 'social events', he knows I hate going—yet and still, he remains selfish and drags me along. He says it's to "show off his beautiful girlfriend” and to teach me out to properly “network”. But I think it's to show others that he's successful in every aspect of life.

He's a talented artist, he has the nicest cars and clothes, he's young and handsome, and to accompany him he has a young and beautiful foreign girlfriend.

It's tiring being paraded around by him, and it never makes him look good—most people wonder why I'm still with him after six years. There's been countless scandals about him cheating on me at parties, or ones about us secretly living in separate homes; all of his close friend wonder why I haven't left him.

Still, he wants to pretend for the public and clean his image of being a shitty boyfriend.

"Are you even listening?" He slams his hand down onto the vanity and lowers his gaze to me, "Yah," He says in a low tone. "Didn't I tell you to stop watching that crap?" My eyes widen when he says this, immediately I go to grab my phone—he beats me to it though, and snatches it off of the vanity then takes a step back from me.

I face him completely, turning my body from the large mirror as I say in the most stern voice I can muster; "Joohyun, give me my phone now."

He laughs and raises his arm above his head.

"Seriously, Y/N do you know how pathetic you are? I'm trying my hardest to help you be a somebody, but you'd rather watch this loser and be a shut in, when you could be the girlfriend of me—I've told you twice already, stop watching these weird videos or I'll break up with you."

My heart skins at his harsh words, but not because of his ultimatum. I couldn't care less about him leaving me, it sinks because I know one thing for sure—I'm not a shut in, and wanting comfort doesn't make me pathetic.

With tears slowly building in my eyes and I glare at him.

"What makes you so special?" I ask.

"Why are you so special? Is it because you had one successful art piece in your whole career?"

Joohyun, with a face full of anger; holds my phone with both his hands. His face is red and slightly blurry from the tears in my eyes.

"You wouldn't even be known if not for me, and you'd rather bite the hand that feeds you than be normal?" He lowers his hands, my phone still gripped tightly inside of them.

His words are slightly true. Before dating him I was just a small social media presence, my videos about my experience as a black woman in South Korea were well received—becoming viewed as 'charming' and 'pure', by Koreans and other black women and men who want and or wanted to travel to South Korea. But dating Joohyun really kicked my career off the ground, people fell in love with our relationship.

We became known as a beautiful couple the moment we began dating, our love story to everyone else was seen as the perfect match. People were ecstatic to see that thee Lee Joohyun had fallen in love with a foreigner and cheered for us.

But that was four years ago. Before he was caught cheating on me, before it was found out that I decided to move out for a month due to his abusive language. Now, we're only a shell of our former selves—eating each other away slowly. My passion for creating content was being overshadowed by his work and his control, and now as I look at him with hot tears streaming down my cheeks—I want to break free.

"I'd rather be nobody than be stuck with you for another day."

He says nothing, I can see his arms go slack for a second before he inhales deeply and presses his tongue against his cheek.

"Yah...Y/N," His voice his shaky, through my tears I can see him blink away a few tears of his own. "You don't know what you're talking about, I'll give you another chance." He pauses.

"Me...or him."

I stare at him as I sniffle and wipe my tear stricken face. There was a time where I loved him the most, we planned to get married one day and raise our children to be successful and happy. We were so perfect for each other in the beginning, our flame burned so brightly. Joohyun and I moved in together not even two years into our relationship, because we were so sure that we'd last for ever and that flame would burn endlessly; like two young fools in love, we moved so fast. But now I can see the end of that tunnel, there's nothing but ashes left from those flames and I hate the smell.

I take a deep, and long breath and close my eyes. My voice is shaky as I speak but I'm sure as I say; "Him." That I mean it.

For a moment, he's silent. He says nothing and he doesn't move. From my phone I can hear the sound of Jeno's voice softly whispering, for the better part of about three years; his asmr has comforted me countless of nights. And even in moments like this, but as I hear his voice I feel a pain in my chest.

"Everyone, have you eaten today? You know, I like when you guys leave long comments for me—I always read them when I'm alone, so tell me: what did you eat today? Was it good? Did you like it? Are you trying new things? I want to hear from you, it's fun doing these videos…but when I'm done; I have no one to talk to. So, talk to me, even if it's through the screen, I still want to hear your thoughts."

Joohyun nods his head and says in a quiet tone; "Fine."

In the blink of an eye he raises both his arms and slams my phone down onto the tiled floor, I scream as the screen shatters before turning black. I can no longer hear Jeno's voice, just the sound of Joohyuns heavy breathing and my own crying.

"I'll find someone better than you, and you'll still be here in this weird parasocial relationship with that-that loser!" He throws his head back and lets out a choked cry as I grab my phone. His crying doesn't phase me, not even the sounds of his sobbing.

I hold my phone tightly in my hands and look up at him, I wish that looks could kill.

"Hello everyone! I'm Y/N, your personal travel guide of South Korea! Today, I'm here with Lee Joohyun, and we have some news to share. It's been a while since I've talked about our lovely Joohyun, right? I'm sorry, we've been so busy lately that I could hardly upload anything." I say to the camera.

I glance over to Joohyun with a forced smile expecting him to be holding his composure well, but instead, his eyes are watering.

"Joohyun, please...don't make this hard for both of us. It's what you wanted, can't we at least do one video normally?" He sighs and nods his head.

"I just can't believe I even dated a loser like you...and I let you break my heart." I roll my eyes and look away from him.

"Just leave, I'll do it alone." Without any protest he leaves and I restart the recording.

"Everyone, hello! This is Y/N, your personal South Korea tour guide! Today, I have some sad news to share, but first! I want to share good news with you!" I say with a smile. "So, yesterday while attending an event I got to see someone very famous, he was there to talk about his experience as a Yortober, can you guess who it is?"

I pause for dramatic affect and then with as much excitement I can manage I continue.

"It was the photographer Na Jaemin! He was so amazing, he spoke about his latest project Narcissism, he said that he's been working with six others on this project for a few years now and that it will be released soon with an exhibition—I will be personally attending the exhibition as a guest, so I hope to see you guys there. If you're touring Korea this fall then please join me and enjoy Na Jaemin’s Narcissism."

I clap my hands together and inhale deeply, now that the easy part is over...I need to get to the hard part.

"Now, you're probably wondering what the bad news was, right? Well, there's really no easy way to say this, but I'm sure you all guessed that one day I'd be saying this. It's hard to say it, but Joohyun and I have decided to officially spilt up..." As the words leave my mouth I feel a heavy weight lift off of my shoulders, it feels good to finally say it.

It feels like I’m actually free.

"There's no deeper reason for it, we just felt that it was the right thing to do..." But as I continue I begin to feel choked up, my eyes start to water but a genuine smile starts to form. "Joohyun and I loved each other till the end, we gave each other endless support and constant comfort—in the last two-three years though, things have just been harder." I quickly wipe my tears and sit up straight behind the table.

"Sometimes I think I'm to blame, sometimes he feels the same. But no one is to blame, we just moved to quickly—that's okay though, now, we're both going our separate ways so we can better ourselves and continue to grow and love others endlessly. I hope everyone can understand, it's okay if you don't; but please be kind to us both, especially Joohyun. Please continue to support his art and please continue to support my videos, we'll both do our best and work harder, so please stay by our sides."

The door opens and my manager silently signals for me to end the video, I nod my head and focus back onto the camera and wipe my tears again.

"But, don't be sad guys! I will still be your personal tour guide, providing you insights on all of South Korea's beauties and hidden gems. Thank you for your support and your love, as always, I'm Y/N and I'll be back to show you the beautiful creations of one of South Korea's favorite young photographers, Na Jaemin. Well, goodbye!"

I end the video and sit back down in the chair, slouching against it as my manager rushes to my side.

"Wow, Y/N, you did amazing!" She exclaims while handing me a box of tissue. "I almost thought you guys were seriously in love for a second."

I laugh at her playful comment and blow my nose.

"Do you really think I did good?" I ask, "They won't be upset will they?" She smacks her gums and shrugs while coming to the side of me.

She pats my back and offers me a gentle smile. Yurim has been with me since the beginning, after I was signed under company called Starslip she was assigned to be my manager. She's seen the ins and outs of every good and bad moment in my life, she's supported me and helped me through everything. Yurim even knows the truth about Joohyun and I, she knows about the cheating, fighting, and even him breaking my phone.

If there was one person I know will support me leaving that asshole, it's Yurim.

"Maybe, some will and some won't—most people know about him being a cheater though, so...I think people will side with you and that he'll face backlash, especially since he wasn't even here."

Suddenly I'm hit with realization as I remember that I told him to leave.

"Oh! Is he still here?" She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. I stand up and push my chair back. "He left crying and mumbling 'she should've loved me instead' like a baby." She responds while laughing.

I scoff, "There's no reason for him to cry—he's the one who treated me like shit, I just gave him what he wanted." She nods and purses her lips together.

"Mhm, yeah. He's lucky you didn't leave him three years ago..." She pauses and huffs while pulling her long black hair back, "Wanna get some Kamja-Jeon? It's the perfect time for it." I shake my head.

I don't exactly feel like eating potatoes, I want something spicy.

"I want spicy ramen."

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jaykaysthicthighs · 10 months ago

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The Path Of A Singer | JJK

excerpt | the appearance of your old lover pops up on tv, and the horrible memories showed itself once again.

genre | heavy angst, cheating, abuse, minor fluff

rating | 18+

warnings | strong language, present & past, toxic relationship, mental & physical abuse, jk cheating, panic attack, alcohol and drug consumption, lots of crying, heartbreaking conversations, jk being vile, lots of yelling, jk manhandles the reader, mention of abusive father, mention of ptsd, reader being selfless (you might not agree with the decisions she's made, but don't hate her; she's a broken person), maybe more

wc | 4K+ (very short)

notes | it's been a hell of a long time since i wrote and posted anything....!!!

my inspiration came from watching the movie insidious: the red door lol. the reason for the mature rating is because of the strong language, the heavy conversations said, and the talks of alcohol and drugs. i want to say that i'm not romanticizing this type of relationship or the behaviors of the characters, i'm just making a story that maybe some people might have gone through. sometimes the decisions made or thought of does not make you a bad/horrible person. everyone had a reason good or bad; you just have try to be understanding. i also tried to make this as heartbreaking as possible, but for some reason i feel like it's not. hopefully it does pull some heartstrings for you guys.

You finally arrived home after an exhausting day of work. Your roommate wasn't home yet, so, luckily for you, you're able to binge eat without the concerned eyes of your friend watching you.

You walked your way to the kitchen and made yourself some sandwiches, you also grabbed some water on the way to the living room. When you made it to the couch, you plopped down heavily. You grabbed the remote and started scrolling through the channels. You came across a channel that was showing a music festival, and without thinking about who might be performing you clicked on it.

The first performer was a group called XG. As they were performing, you happily ate while vibing to their songs. At one point, you started singing as well, not caring that you still had some food in your mouth. If the neighbors were able to hear you, they would probably think someone is dying - yelling for help.

When you finished, you got up put away your dishes, and made your way to your room to change your clothes. As you were changing, you felt a bit lonely. You and your friend don't have any pets, no companion to keep any of you guys company. You exited your room with a simple sweater and shorts.

You made it back to the living room with a content expression on your face, unfortunately, it wouldn't last long. As you were about to get yourself situated on the couch, you looked at the TV screen, and the one person you never wanted to see again was singing.

You fell to your knees with a hard thud, watching the screen with horrid eyes. It's been three years since you saw him. In those three years, you tried your damned hardest to avoid anything and everything that involved him in it. The pain he caused you still resides in your little heart.

You didn't realize but you started crying; the tears rapidly falling. Your body started shaking; the little goosebumps displaying your skin. Your chest felt heavy like a huge wave crashing on you, and the water is rising up into your nose, making it hard for you to breathe. You felt like you were suffocating, and the lack of air was making your head light; dizziness taking its place.

On the outside, you were frozen, but on the inside, you were trying to claw your way out. You felt like you were scratching every surface of your body, but you weren't moving an inch. Your brain was screaming for help, but the only thing leaving your mouth was the hardness and unstableness of your breathing. Right now, you were wishing for your friend to come home right now and save you.

Three Years Ago

You were in your car driving your way to your boyfriend. Jungkook's manager called you demanding that you come and pick him up. You don't really know what happened, but from how his manager sounded, you were thinking that he got himself drunk and high again, causing thoughtless actions.

Not too long ago, Jungkook was able to get into his dream record label. After years and years of hard work, passion, and dedication he was able to pursue his dream. What you didn't realize is that with Jungkook getting to follow his dream of being a singer, he would soon lose his sense of self. In just two weeks he was starting to drink, and in another week, he started experimenting with drugs.

As time went on, so did your patience. You would try and try to stop him - to help him, but every time Jungkook would stop your advances. Pushing you away and causing you pain made Jungkook feel superior, it made him feel proud that he reached a certain height in life.

Your guy's relationship now consists of yelling and crying. Jungkook started to mentally abuse you, but even so, you would accept it. You didn't have the strength to leave him - to leave the man you love since middle school. You couldn't leave the man who would write songs about you, the man who would wake up during dawn and make you a big breakfast, the man who would call you no matter the time, the man who would always tell you how much he loves you every second of the day. You didn't have the strength to leave him.

With all your anger, you finally made it to the studio in one piece. When you entered the building, the looks on the staff's faces were concerning you. One of the staff went up to you and told you to not go inside the studio. You looked at them judgingly and pushed your way through them, but they still tried to stop you.

"What is the problem? Let me through!" you yelled. They gave you a sad look and apologized, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Jungkook is very busy, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to go inside there." Your anger was boiling, steam coming out of your ears. "Sorry for yelling at you, but I don't fucking care if he is busy. Jonny called me saying that I need to pick this asshole up, okay? If you're worried about me finding out that he is high or drunk - even both, don't. This is not new to me."

The staff in front of you looked like she was on the verge of tears. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she got the chance, a disheveled woman left the room your boyfriend was in. You watched her with wide eyes as she left the building with a smile on her face. You stomped your way to the studio door ignoring the pleas from the staff. You pushed open the door causing a loud bang, startling the man recognized as Jonny.

Jonny swiftly got up and the first thing you noticed was the bloody nose. You walked your way to him digging in your bag grabbing some tissues for his nose. Gently placing it on him, you politely demanded, "Where is he, Jonny?" The man before you faced his eyes on the floor. "Jonny, you called me here, so, don't fucking hide anything from me. Where is he?"

The man took a step back letting the blood freely fall again. He shook his head, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I've ruined everything." You gritted your teeth and threw the bloody tissue at his face. "Where the hell is he, Jonny?" you yelled.

A second later, Jungkook swung the bathroom door open with nothing but some sweats on. Your heart dropped from his appearance. It was evident that he had fucked the girl from earlier. You guys made eye contact, and you could tell immediately that he was high out of his mind. "Get out, Jonny," you said without looking.

When you heard the door shut, that's when you crumbled. Your eyes started blurring with the tears that were coming. Your body shaking with rage. You walked up to the fucked-up man and slapped him. "Why? Why? Why the hell would you do this to me?"

Jungkook harshly grabbed your wrists and laughed. He laughed like what you had said was something funny. You can smell the horrible alcohol leaving his mouth as he laughed. "Because it's fun, babe."

The pain rippled throughout your body. You snatched your wrists away and bellowed, "You're hurting me! You're destroying me! What does she have that I don't? I thought you loved me?" Jungkook towered over you; he grinned, "I don't love you." Your whole world died. Never had Jungkook spouted those words. It tore you limb from limb, slowly but surely. And that was all it took for you to call it done.

You were fine dealing with his hurtful ways. You were fine being the punching bag. But you were not fine being cheated on. Even with Jungkook in this fucked-up state, not once had he said that he didn't love you, and not once did he ever cheat on you. You felt lower than before, and you didn't want to feel like that. You knew that the moment he started doing drugs and drinking alcohol, the man you once knew would be gone. Still, you had hoped there might be a tiny sliver of him inside, but today proved - his words proved you wrong.

Your eyes hardened and your expression became stoic. Without trying to sound broken you seethed, "We are done! You fucking hear me? I am done with your shit - with everything!" As you walked your way to the door, Jungkook rushed in front of you and pushed you to the ground.

The wind got knocked out of you; you started bawling your eyes. For the first time, you were scared of the man before you. Jungkook locked the door behind him and dragged you by your feet. You tried kicking your feet, hoping that his release would loosen, and you could run away. But before you knew it, Jungkook locked you both into the soundproof booth.

When his grip on you was gone, you scurried to the corner of the booth shielding yourself with your bag. Jungkook walked to you and kneeled to your level. "Don't hide from me, baby." He gently grabbed your bag and tossed it to the other side of the booth. You closed your eyes; you couldn't see the monster of the man you love.

You felt Jungkook tenderly cupping your jaw. You trembled beneath his fingertips; quietly whimpering. It stayed like this for a few seconds until you felt his touch disappear. With your eyes still closed, you could hear Jungkook digging for something. You heard a rustling sound of a Ziplock bag. You knew better, you knew that he was using drugs right now.

"Open your eyes, ____," Jungkook demanded.

You didn't answer, you didn't move. This pissed off the man in front of you. He slapped you, making your body jolt, making your eyes open. You brought your hand to your cheek, tears threatening to fall. "See, it wasn't that hard?"

"W-what do you want... from me?" you stammered.

Jungkook seethed, "You can't leave me. I won't let you leave me. You owe me. All that money I spent on you, all those years I wasted on you - I want that back! And the only way you can pay me back is by being my bitch. You are fucking mine, ____!"

You finally let the tears fall again. Your whole body shook like lightning shooting throughout you. Shaking your head, you wailed, "No! No! No! Please! Don't do this to me, Dad! Stop hurting me!" For the first time today, Jungkook felt his senses come back. Your words panged his heart.

Your mother was never in your life. It was always you and your father, but your father was an abusive man. He would try to find any little thing to blame you for, just for him to lay his hands on you; from hitting, kicking, even to cutting. You had met Jungkook when you were thirteen years old, he comforted, protected, and helped you. When you finally turned eighteen, that's when you moved in with him - that's when you finally felt peace.

Jungkook cupped your face into place. He frantically said, "____, it's me. Your dad's not here. It's me, Jungkook." His touch burned you; you felt like dying. You mustered all your strength and pushed him away. You gripped your shirt and yelled, "No! You're not him! You're not Jungkook! You're a monster and I don't even recognize you!"

Monster... That simple word rang in Jungkook's mind. Monster... Such a terrifying word. If he was a monster, his reason would be because of you. Unfortunately, all the drugs and alcohol in his system weren't enough to keep him sane for one minute. Jungkook launched at you. His hands wrapped around your throat, choking you, but still letting you breathe.

You started clawing your nails on his bare arms. Digging deep that blood starts making its presence. But all that Jungkook could see right now was red. He couldn't feel the pain you were giving him; he couldn't hear the agony in your voice; he couldn't see your wrecked state. Red became his friend.

"You are the reason for my horrible being. You are the reason why I'm a monster. You bitch! If you hadn't kept pushing me to pursue this fucking career, I would've still been the same. If you hadn't been so loving and caring and supportive, we wouldn't be in this predicament. I can't believe that I fell in love with a disgusting person like you. I can't fucking believe that I let you take control of my whole being!"

Right when you were on the verge of passing out, Jungkook released his hold on you; he backed himself on the other side of the booth. You were catching your breath. Your hands shakingly touched your neck, throbbing against your frail fingers. You were painfully coughing; mentally asking God to help ease your pain. Your eyes went in and out of vision; red and black dots were the only thing in sight.

Jungkook watched you with dark eyes. He watched as you were struggling to regain your previous state. He watched as you were crying from the pain, he inflicted on you. He watched the one person who was always with him, the one person who loved and cared for him no longer be the same. He killed you, painfully and slowly.

Present

"____, look at me. It's okay. It's okay." Your friend Lia gently held your face in place. She called out your name, praying that you would settle. She watched as you were frantically breathing; your eyes looking everywhere but her; your body shaking like the room was freezing.

Your panic attacks rarely happen, but when they do, Lia feels so useless. She wished that she could help ease your pain, she wished that she had the power to prevent this. But all she could do was hold you and tell you that you're okay.

Minutes go by until you are finally back. "____?" Lia cautioned, "____, look at me. Are you okay?" As you looked at Lia, you could see the worried expression painting her beautiful face. You hated yourself for making her feel like this, but you couldn't help it. This feeling will never go away; it gets buried six feet under, but once he appears they come back.

"Lia," you whispered, "I saw him again... on TV." Lia took a deep sigh; she hated the pain he caused you before and now. She wrapped you in her arms, holding you with such care. The second you were in her arms, you broke. You cried and cried, loudly speaking your pain.

Lia felt her shirt dampen, but she didn't care. Whatever you do to her, she will take it all in, as long as you feel better in the end, Lia will gladly be your tissue, your enemy, your punching bag. Lia murmured against your hair, "I'm here. I will always be here." She held you tighter; she didn't want you to fade away from her.

You took deep breaths to calm down your nerves. You pulled away from Lia and made your way to the couch. You brought your knees up and buried your face in the space between. You hissed, "I hate what he does to me. He's not even here!" This time you whispered, "And yet, he's able to bring me down to my knees... scared."

Lia met you three years ago; months after your event. You were just a newly hired TA. When Lia first saw you, you looked like a girl who was barely keeping her life together. You told her beforehand - when you started room mating with her, that you have PTSD and that your panic attacks happen from time to time. You didn't really tell her the whole story, just that you were in a very abusive relationship and that you experienced something so terrifying. She accepted you with an open mind and open arms; from then on, Lia became your rock.

Lia got up and sat right next to you. She wanted to ask you a question, but she was scared that you would hate her or push her away for asking. But this question has been in her mind for a while now. After taking a few seconds thinking to think it through, Lia wiped her sweating palms on her pants and inquired, "____, if you don't mind me asking... why didn't you call the police on him? You should've, 'cause I don't think he should be performing after everything he's done to you."

Your eyes started getting blurry; you told yourself the exact same thing, but there was a reason. With your head still buried, you softly replied, "It's easier said than done, Lia. I wished I called the police on him - I wish I could call the police on him, but I can't. Because in simple words... I love him. I hate myself for loving him. Even after everything he has done to me, and everything he has said to me, I love him. Does that make me a horrible person?"

Lia felt herself invisibly jumping out of the couch. No way does she think you're a horrible person. You're just a person who's been through something horribly traumatic. Her heart was filled with so much pain for you. Lia positioned herself so she was facing your small figure, and expressed, "____, no way in hell are you a horrible person. Far from it! I won't be able to say that I relate or know what you're going through, because I don't. But I am able to say that I'll support you and understand your feelings and decisions."

You lifted your head but still kept your eyes on your knees; you muttered, "I met him when we were thirteen years old. He was a very shy and reserved kid - hated social interactions. I remember..." you quietly giggled without realizing when you were remembering the fond memories, "I remember when he used to make small mixtapes every anniversary with letters. He wasn't always a horrible person. He used to be kind, supportive, and loving. One of my favorite things about him was his selflessness towards me. I loved that he would always think about my needs, what I wanted, what I was thinking, and how I was feeling, but in turn, he did the opposite for himself. It was a blessing and a curse."

Lia looked at you and saw the small smile showing. This look was rare for you, and every time it made its appearance, Lia would always treasure it. "He must have been a great person for you to smile like that." You furrowed your brows; you turned to Lia with confusion. "What smile?" you questioned. Lia rolled her eyes, "Well, there's no smile anymore."

You took a deep sigh and apologized, "I'm sorry for talking about him. It's just - just talking about him in this light makes me happy and warm... even if it only lasts for a few seconds." Lia noticed that you started tearing up. Your face was slightly contorted with pain; you were trying not to cry, holding it in but it didn't work. Your tears were freely falling, and Lia comforted you once again. You quietly whimpered, "During that time I called him a monster, but really, I don't want to remember him as the monster in my life because at one point he used to be my prince who saved me from one. I try to think and talk about him in this beautiful light that he used to be under - I want to remember him as that, but the pain he brought upon me is too hard to ignore." You started wailing at this point, "It continues to haunt me, and I hate it! I want to hate him, but I can't! I can't!"

Lia felt herself crying for your pain. She felt herself slowly dying by your words. It truly kills her that her most precious and beautiful friend is going through so much pain. As you both cried into each other's arms, you could hear Lia continuously apologize through her cries. You were so grateful to have such an amazing person as her.

Once you were calmed down, you pulled away from the still tearful woman and wiped her tears away. "Don't cry anymore, Lia." you sniffled, "What happened to me - what's still happening to me would never be fully cured, but I know that whatever happens next, you'll be by my side, and slowly but surely, I won't be able to be to feel the pain anymore. Okay?" Lia nodded her head with a soft smile. You're right, as long as she's with you and as long as you are with her everything will be fine. You guys are each other's glue - each other's person.

There is no doubt in your mind that this pain will pass by. You don't know how long that will take, but until the day comes, having Lia with you eases your heart from pain as much as possible.

"You mailed her my letter?"

"Yes, Jungkook."

The tired man finished his show with a bang, and even though people enjoyed his performance, Jungkook couldn't seem to feel all that happy. For the past year since he finished his rehab, nothing has felt more depressing.

The morning of that night when he woke up, Jonny had told him that you had left, and he was to go to rehab immediately. He hated you for leaving, he hated that you left him in such a messy state. Jungkook blamed everything on you. Jonny had told the ill man that if it wasn't for you, everything that he had worked so hard on would go down the drain. At first, Jungkook didn't understand why you left or what Jonny was saying, but as time went on, he knew that everything was his fault. His addictions and his abusive behavior were all his fault. The reason for your disappearance was his fault. Your pain - everything was all him.

Jungkook knows that there will be no way for him to fix the things he has done and the things he had said, but even so, he would try his damn hardest to fix it. When he finished rehab, Jungkook made it a mission to send you a letter every week, telling you about his days throughout the week, how much he loves and cares for you, telling you how much he is so regretful. Deep down he knows that he is being selfish, he knows that he should let you go - let you move on, but the helpless man is stuck in the past. The past is what keeps him alive. The past is his only source of reason. Jungkook doesn't want to let go of that one thing he has left of you.

Jonny felt so much pity for the man, he didn't have the heart to tell him that he didn't know your address. He would accept the letters, promising that he would mail them, but when night rolls around your letters would be burned. Jonny wanted to quit being Jungkook's manager, but you begged and begged for him to stay with the broken singer. You wanted Jungkook to at least have one person for him to lean on when things get hard. Jonny admires your strength - how strong of a woman you are, so, he agreed.

"You should just stop already, Jungkook. She's never gonna mail you back. I know your reason, but you lost her, and you can never fix that." Jonny was getting tired; tired of seeing the broken singer trying with no prevail.

Jungkook walked up to his manager and lowly whispered, "You think I don't know that, Jonny? Ever since I learned that everything is my fault... I knew that she would never come back to me. Yet I still hope - even if that hope is microscopic or nonexistent, I hope that I will be able to see or be with her again."

The fatigued man took a few steps back and lowered his heavy head down. His eyes searched the floor trying to keep his tears at bay, but it didn't work. The salty tears of this poor singer escaped and landed harshly on the wooden floor. Sniffling, the fatigued man uttered, "You think I don't know that you burn my letters?" Jungkook lifted his head up and saw the ashamed manager looking back at him.

He continued, "You're not as discreet as you think you are, Jonny. I went to your hotel room to ask for a favor... and I saw you burn my eighth letter with sadness swimming in your eyes. I connected the dots from there, and I realized that you never sent any of my letters because you don't know her address, huh? You're left in the dark like I am, huh? You know nothing about her whereabouts, about how she's doing, about anything, huh, Jonny!" The manager kept quiet; didn't know what to say.

Jungkook slumped down on the nearest chair with a hard thump. He leaned his head back with closed eyes and softly whimpered, "I now understand the meaning ‘You reap what you sow’… I'm never gonna stop. I know I can never fix this, but I promise you Jonny, I will never stop. Ten years - fifty years from now, I will keep writing her letters... knowing that deep down all of this is for nothing. I don't care if I'm shaming myself by doing this - I don't care about anything but her. She's not mine anymore but I'm forever hers. Let me live like this. Let me live with the consequences. Let me drown myself in this regret."

The destroyed man opened his eyes and gently moved his head to the side to see the lone figure of his manager feet away. With a deep sigh, Jungkook claimed, "You're just my manager, right? So, don't involve yourself in my pitiful life. Just do the job you were hired to do, along with getting my letters. Don't care what you do to them - burn them, keep them hidden, rip them up... doesn't matter, just don't let me know about it; let me falsely believe that you mailed them to her. Alright? Now please get the car... I wanna go home."

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taey0ngsvape · 1 year ago

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blue butterflies

“i guess i want you more than i thought i did”

pairing: chenle x fem!reader

genre: fluff, some angst, friends to lovers

word count: 3.3k

contains: arguing, chenle calls reader “my girl”, he’s a lil possessive but i tried my hardest to make it not toxic😭, mentions of reader wearing a skirt, some tears but no actual crying, fluff at the end

summary: it takes seeing you getting ready for a date with someone else to finally push chenle to confess.

When Chenle’s phone screen lights up with a FaceTime from you, he’d already been thinking about you. He’s been thinking about you a lot lately, not that he’d ever tell you that. It’s not his fault that everything reminds him of you.

He accepts the call and sets his phone on the desk in front of him as you come into view.

“What do you think of this outfit?” you ask him, foregoing a greeting. You’re wearing a tight black top cut out in various places to show your skin paired with some dark green cargo pants. For a moment, he just stares, taking everything in. You look good. He’s never seen that shirt before. But of course he’ll never let you know what kind of effect you have on him.

“You look like Kim Possible,” he says nonchalantly.

You let out a noise of distress and pick up your phone.

Chenle laughs. “It’s not bad if you’re trying to look like a secret agent.”

“Yeah well, secret agent isn’t exactly what I’m going for right now.”

“What are you going for?” Chenle asks.

You sigh. “Dignified and collected, but still open and casual.”

Chenle snorts. “Good luck with that.”

You roll your eyes. “Fuck you. I should’ve called Jisung or something. At least he would be nice to me.”

“Like he’d be able to help,” Chenle scoffs. “Why are you so worried anyway?”

“Because I need an outfit that’s not too over the top. I don’t want to screw up my chances before the date has even started.”

For a second, it’s like time slows down. The word date grows to a crescendo in his mind. You hadn’t mentioned you were going on a date.

Before he can stop himself, Chenle asks, “What date?”

“When Jisung and I hung out the other day a guy at the coffee shop asked me for my number. I thought Jisung would’ve told you.” You shrug and set your phone down, beginning to search your closet for something else.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chenle asks. Usually you two tell each other everything, it’s just a part of being friends. What’s worse is that you actually did text him after the day you spent with Jisung but you hadn’t mentioned anything about giving some guy your number.

You shrug. “We never talk about that kind of stuff.” You lay something else out on your bed before picking up your phone and turning the camera around to showcase a different outfit laid out on the sheets. “What about this?”

This time, Chenle hardly looks at the outfit. “Are you sure you want to go?”

“Yes? Why wouldn’t I?” you ask. Then, you lay a skirt down next to the outfit. “Should I wear the skirt instead?”

Chenle clenches his jaw. You wore that skirt the first time you spent the day with just him, he loves that skirt and he can’t stomach the possibility of you wearing that skirt to go on a date with someone else.

“I don’t want you to go.” He knows he can’t stop you, but he refuses to sit here and do nothing while you get ready to walk away from him.

You scoff. “Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.” You pull the skirt closer to the outfit and let out a content hum. “I’m going to wear it.”

“I don’t want you to go,” Chenle repeats, firmer this time.

On the other end of the line, you’ve fallen silent, the camera still focused on the skirt and the blue butterflies that line the hem. When you speak again, your voice is soft and almost timid. “What are you saying?”

Chenle exhales and lets his eyes fall shut. “I don’t want to see you on a date with someone else. I don’t want to…” Chenle can feel the anger in his chest rising. “I can’t be silent while you bring your new boyfriend around and pretend like it’s not killing me to see someone else get everything I want.” He pauses, forcing his voice to steady out and return to a normal volume. “You’re supposed to be my girl.”

When he opens his eyes, you’ve turned the camera around again and he can see your face. His heart aches when he sees the tears welled up in your eyes, threatening to spill over. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He never meant to upset you.

Your lower lip quivers as you meet his eyes. “That’s not fair.”

Guilt fills him as you sniff and wipe your cheeks with the back of your hand. “You… you’re being mean.”

The ache in his chest turns sharp and his shame becomes almost overwhelming. “You never told me about your feelings, never gave any signs that you wanted me as more than just a friend. But you flirted with me left and right all the time and gave me hope but not enough and now that I’ve found someone who actually is up front with me about their feelings, who actually wants me and isn’t afraid to say it, you’re trying to stop me from being with them.”

More tears roll down your cheeks. “You never told me you wanted me but now that someone else does you’re trying to stop me. You understand how insensitive that is, right? How selfish?”

And you’re right. He knows you’re right. He is being selfish, he’s preventing you from reaching for happiness just because that happiness doesn’t make him happy too. But he still can’t bear to think of you dating someone else, of wearing the butterfly skirt for someone who isn’t him.

“I didn’t mean to…” he pinches his brow. “Please don’t go.”

He hears you make a sound somewhere between a scoff and a sob but by the time he looks back at his phone, you’ve already hung up the call. His lockscreen stays illuminated for a few seconds, a picture of you and him that Jisung had taken a while back. You’re sitting next to him on the subway, asleep on his shoulder while he holds your hand. He hadn’t realized Jisung was taking a picture until after you’d gone home and the second he saw the photo he knew it was a moment he wanted to keep forever.

He swallows the lump in his throat and resists the urge to rip his hair out because he knows he just fucked up bad. Every single thing you’d said was true, he had been leading you on in a way and just because it was unintentional doesn’t make it any better. He’d been selfish and careless and now you were paying the price.

Chenle buries his face in his hands. He needs to apologize. He knows he needs to apologize. But after everything, the least he can do is give you some space while you go on your date so he doesn’t ruin your day any more than he has already. He’ll apologize later, once he’s sure your date is over. It’s still pretty early, you probably agreed to meet the guy for lunch, so Chenle figures he can head to your place around dinnertime and pick up some flowers on the way.

Waiting around is much easier said than done. He feels restless all day and can only keep himself occupied by one thing for so long before he starts losing control of his thoughts and has to find something else to distract himself with. By 5 he’s gotten too impatient so he heads out to find a florist on the way to your place.

Once he’s gotten the bouquet of flowers, he walks the rest of the way to your apartment. He can’t help but wonder if you’ll still be wearing the butterfly skirt or if you’ll have already taken off your makeup and put on comfortable clothes. Usually that means wearing one of his shirts but he doesn’t dare to dream that big.

When he arrives at your door, he hesitates to knock. What if you’re not home? Or worse, what if you are and you’ve invited the guy over? As much as he hates it, he decides that if that’s the case then he’ll leave and let you enjoy your night no matter how much it hurts him.

He knocks on the door a few times, far less aggressive than he usually is when he comes over. He’s sure you’ve gotten used to him pounding on the door to announce his arrival. That, or he’ll just walk right in. It almost feels too formal to knock politely.

He only waits on the doorstep for a few moments before he hears the lock click and he takes a step back as you open the door.

For a moment, he just looks at you. You aren’t wearing the butterfly skirt or the blue shirt you’d chosen to pair it with on the phone. You’re wearing your casual clothes and he registers that they’re the same clothes you’d been wearing this morning. To his immense relief, there doesn’t seem to be anyone else in your apartment.

You look conflicted, like you’re trying to choose between throwing yourself into his arms and slamming the door in his face. Chenle clears his throat and extends the flowers towards you.

“I’m sorry,” he says, hoping he sounds as genuine as he feels. “I’ve been a terrible friend and I’m sorry it took getting yelled at to realize it. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I know I did anyway so I came to try and make it right because I hate being the reason you’re upset.”

Your face softens a bit and you look between him and the bouquet of flowers between you. “I got them as an apology, not a romantic thing. I know you literally just went on a date. How did that go, by the way?” He knows he’s rambling a bit but for once his nerves are getting the better of him.

You take the flowers from his hand and he feels his heart skip. You admire them for a few moments, running your fingers over the colorful petals. “I didn’t go,” you say.

“What?” he asks. “Why?”

You look up from the flowers and meet his eyes. “Let’s talk inside.”

While you go to the kitchen to fill a vase for the flowers, Chenle sits on your couch waiting. He’s never felt so out of place in your apartment. Over the length of your friendship, your place has become like a second home to him, but now he’s almost overwhelmed with a feeling that he shouldn’t be here.

Chenle looks up when you walk over, but you don’t join him on the couch, instead sitting in an armchair against the wall. Struck with another twinge of guilt, Chenle mumbles another apology. You won’t even sit next to him and he’s entirely to blame.

“Why didn’t you go?” he asks. “I bet the guy could’ve cheered you up. He’s probably nicer than I am.”

“Being upset wasn’t the reason,” you say. For a moment, you collect your thoughts before looking at Chenle. “I didn’t go because I don’t like him. I thought if I went and got to know him then maybe I could, but right now… I mean, I don’t even know his last name. And I didn’t see a point in going on a date with someone I don’t like when I already have feelings for someone else. And they have feelings for me too.”

Chenle’s eyes widen as he processes what you’ve just said. “Does that mean…” His mouth feels dry. He almost can’t believe it. Sure, the two of you flirted playfully sometimes but you laughed it off afterwards and in all the time he knew you you’d never dated anyone. He thought you weren’t interested in a relationship with anyone, much less one with him.

“You… you’ve always been special to me. You were always doing everything you could just to make me smile. You would listen to my stories and share your own too. I always felt a connection with you. But we never talked about relationships together, not even our pasts. And you’re such a playful person with everyone, I had no reason to believe you actually meant anything you said when you flirted with me,” you say, a slight frown on your lips as you look at him.

“I meant it,” Chenle says instantly. “All of it.” He hates that you thought he wasn’t sincere. He should’ve been braver, more straightforward. “I…” he sighs. “I really like you. I’ve liked you for a long time. I’m so sorry I made you think I wasn’t serious. But I swear to you, every time I called you beautiful I meant it. And I mean it when I say that you are one of the most interesting people I know. You’re so smart and you’re kind and you make me laugh and I love being with you all the time. And I should’ve told you all of this sooner. But I’m telling you now and I promise you I mean it, okay? I really really like you.”

When you smile he feels like the room has brightened a bit. It’s not even a full smile, just a slight curve of your lips, but it’s enough to have his heart racing as his chest fills with relief.

“I like you too,” you say, making sure to meet his eyes. “And I accept your apology. But I am upset that you didn’t tell me. And… if you can’t communicate with me then I don’t think I could be in a relationship with you. If we’re going to date, I need to trust that you’ll talk to me.”

“You really want that? With me?” Chenle still feels a bit stunned. Throughout your whole friendship he’d always had moments where he wondered why you chose him and if someday you’d stop. And even once he realized he liked you as more than a friend he hadn’t dared to hope you would feel the same. You already seemed out of his league as a friend.

“Yeah,” you say. “I want you to be mine. And I want to be yours too, but I need to know that you’ll be open with me.”

“I will.” Chenle sits up a little straighter. “I promise. I’ll be open and honest with you. And you can do the same with me. Always.”

You smile softly and Chenle notices that your shoulders look more relaxed than they had when you first sat down. “Okay,” you say, your smile widening.

“Does this mean we’re dating now?” he asks and his heart swells when you laugh. He loves the sparkle in your eye when you look at him and in this moment he decides he’ll do anything he has to if it means you’ll always look at him the way you are now.

“You do realize you have to actually take me on a date first, right?” you say, somewhat teasingly. “And before you ask, no, we are not going anywhere right now. I’m not going out until tomorrow at the absolute earliest.”

But Chenle has never been one to back down from a challenge (and he doesn’t feel like going out either) so he just shrugs. “Fine. We’ll have our first date here then. I’ll make dinner.”

You laugh a little at his enthusiasm. “As long as it isn’t eggs.”

“What if it has eggs in it?” he teases and grins when you roll your eyes.

“Maybe I should do the cooking,” you suggest but Chenle shakes his head immediately.

“It’ll be great. I promise.” You still look skeptical but he just grins at you. “Can I have a kiss for good luck?” he asks, adoring the way your cheeks flush red. Cute.

“What do you need good luck for?” you ask.

“Cooking is serious business,” he says. “Did you know that the kitchen is one of the most dangerous rooms in a house?”

“Maybe you should stay out of it then.”

Chenle sighs exasperatedly and you fight to contain a smile.

“Besides,” you add, “we’re not even dating yet.”

“Fine,” Chenle huffs, standing up. “But if there’s a kitchen fire I’m blaming you.”

You roll your eyes. “If there’s a kitchen fire I’m never speaking to you again.”

Chenle pretends not to hear you and heads for the kitchen to start the meal. He’s pretty sure he’s used your kitchen more than his own considering how often he’s here.

You put on some music and sit on the edge of the counter to watch him as he works. “Is the kitchen actually one of the most dangerous rooms in the house?” you ask him.

He shrugs as he fills a pot with water. “I don’t know, maybe. I made that up.” As the sound of your bubbly laughter fills the room he smiles to himself.

You continue talking to him as he cooks and he realizes that this doesn’t feel all that different from when he’s normally here, but there’s a certain weight that has been lifted. His chest no longer feels tight every time he looks at you. He doesn’t have to hold himself back from admiring you anymore.

After dinner (which you complimented heavily and made him very proud of himself), you insist on helping him wash the dishes. He washes the larger pots as you handle the smaller plates and bowl. He hardly takes his eyes off you the whole time, fighting back a smile as you sing quietly to the music you put on.

He ends up finishing his task first and he can’t resist wrapping his arms around you from behind and pulling you close to his chest. You stiffen a little at first, but it’s only for a second before you relax and go back to the plate you were working on.

“This is nice,” you say, setting down the finished plate and drying your hands with the dish towel.

Chenle feels a smile creep onto his face. He loves having you close to him but before it was a rare occurrence. Now he has an excuse to hold you whenever he wants.

“Are we dating now?” he asks.

You turn in his arms to face him and he smiles at you. “I made you dinner and you said that it was good. And I didn’t even start a kitchen fire or—” You cut him off, leaning in and connecting your lips.

As soon as he registers that you’re kissing him, he pulls you closer and moves one hand from your waist to cup your cheek. He’s not sure how long he’s been waiting for this moment, but he knows it’s better than anything he imagined.

You pull away too soon for his liking, but he lets you. He keeps one arm around you and uses the other hand to tuck some of your hair behind your ear, smiling at the pink blush dusting your cheeks.

“Now we’re dating,” you say with a grin.

“So can I kiss you again?” he asks eagerly and you laugh.

“You can kiss me whenever you want.”

nct dream masterlist

#clare’s fics🌸#nct fluff #nct dream imagines #nct dream scenarios #nct scenarios #nct imagines #chenle imagines #chenle fluff #chenle scenarios #nct dream fluff

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butchcarmy · 5 months ago

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entering the restaurant industry!

hello friends I wanted to update y’all on my most recent endeavor :) I’ve thought about this for a long time now but I wanted to voice it! I blabbed a lot so I’ll put it under a cut

I haven’t gotten a job in front or back of house yet but I’ve been applying like crazy! I’m hoping to hear back from these places soon :) I rly wanna be a line cook but I also would love to be a server.

I’ve always loved cooking! And as I get older I love it more. I want to know how it works, how flavors go together, how to best cook everything, how to innovate. And I also want to experience the controlled chaos of the kitchen.

I don’t know if this is a red flag but I see the insanity of the kitchens in the bear and I WANT IT. even when I watched it the first time there was something beautiful about it to me. I’m not saying that being in the restaurant industry is 100% like the bear (it is a dramatized tv show after all), but the truth that lies in it is quite beautiful to me. I know it won’t be easy. It excites me

I think I also see a lot of carmy in me right now. miserable and lost, but eager to learn and do well. A love for cooking. Obsessive and perfectionist tendencies. Even running away from your toxic family. Knowing that I could be really fucking good at this.

I dunno. I just I have a future here. I’m not used to having dreams or seeing myself in the future. I never realized, but growing up, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to have dreams. My father is cynical and practical to a fault. I learned a lot but also… there was a cost. I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly had a dream for myself. And for the first time, this is something for me.

The hardest part is finding my way in. I don’t have a car and the bus system isn’t ideal, so finding accessible restaurants is hard. I had two opportunities that I thought were looking really bright, but then it just got crushed. I hate job searching right now. It’s so brutal.

Idk… I was gonna talk about this once I landed a job but I wanted to blab abt it now. I try not to talk about my personal life too much on here bc I wanna keep it relevant but… this feels like an appropriate place to chronicle this sort of thing.

Will update again when I get a restaurant job. Thanks for reading if u did <3

#blabbing #restaurant chronicles

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lovestuckstarz · 2 months ago

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🎯Something Blue: Where it began + HCs🫐

I made this originally on twitter but due to post limitations I wanted to rant here! :D In this, I will be describing where I found Something New, why I ship Killer with Blue but not 100% as big a fan as other ships, and so on and so forth. At the very end I will list my headcanons with them :)

In 2018 on July 25th (my birthday) is the first evidence I have of ever liking this ship. The reason I know of this date is due the the image below made by @/jamesjp-things-blog and how I had a cropped version on roblox (I roleplayed shush) and it was a RP of them LOL

I believe sometime after, I found the swap vs killer animation and believed that was all and shipped them and RPed them with my ex n roblox because yeah cringe! Here is the old Killerberry ship kid I made for archive purposes (shes so ugly) + the where it started wall

Moving on! I don't exactly remember where my ideas for the ship went as in 2018 is when I left the fandom space of undertale and bullied myself out of it since Underswap was my favorite and I love all versions of swap and that was around the time the fandom hated those people

In april of 2024 (hey this year!) I decided that hating something I love with every fiber in my being was dumb so gradually came back. I started off embracing my old love for Nightberry (fan since 2016) and Horrorberry (I do not remember), two other ships i loved in the old days

Thats when I became good friends with Mae (hi) and they started talking about their AU and story and my little worm self talked about Horrorberry, Dustberry, and Nightberry but just ignored Killerberry as I forgot my love for it. IDRM what exactly was said but yeah

THE RAHAF JUICY BITS

Then Mae showed me something. The start of the Killer VS Swap comic. I only knew the animation and NONE of this was in it. (Credit to rahaf) Seeing this changed my whole view on them, but it continues.

The part the hit me the most was when Blue was upset he couldn't save Killer despite the fact he nearly killed the guy which opened me to the world of toxic yaoi /silly. Jokes aside, it showed me how well and under looked these characters are together.

But why them? Well answer is: Every instance of them together while negative is only negative on Killer's behalf. Color had negative moments with Killer even if it got positive could end up being a nightingale syndrome scenario and how I see Blue and Killer strays far from this, NM is NM and Dream while he did feel positivity from Killer, Dreams motives just makes the ship feel icky to me but no hate! Outer is just a crack ship and I can't see it at all LOL (Dust and Horror I only ship for toxic yaoi I'll just out that here)

Blue on the other hand's motive is to help him, to change him to for the better even if he nearly died trying. He isn't degrading Killer, he isn't doing it for a questionably moral motive, he KNOWS if Killer tries he can be good. I believe if he learned what will be talked about below, he'd stop trying to """fix""" him but more so help him understand himself and his stages to be able to have a healthy relationship with himself.

Do I think Killer can be good? Not really, he doesn't concider himself a sans anymore so if he were to become fully himself again, I don't think that would do him good mentally. His soul is at a ever constant war with chara as shown here.

I think Killer is appreciates Blue trying to help and more upset by means and the fact it didn't work. In the comics, Blue tried the hardest but also the most back to back to help Killer which just annoyed him most likely but despite him causing the pain to himself, he hates it. I feel like this is further proven on how Blue is one of the people he mentions when talking to Nightmare and how you can still see Blue smile.

Also, it could be argued that Killer only really escalated things because Blue took him to see the stars, one thing Killer doesn't like nor feel comfortable around them. The one they're looking at doesn't help either.

Heres some more little things Rahaf has done with the two that fuel my love for them and their relationship!

For the name: Just something new + blue's name LOL also a wedding term so its even gayer

Now for the headcanons!

☆ Killer found a new appreciation for the stars because of Blue loving space

𖣠 Killer was forced to apologize for escalating fights (NM had made Killer stop similar in Killer VS the Star Sans' and didn't have him kill Dream)

☆ Killer got blue a new scarf

𖣠 Killer thinks Blue is the strongest Star Sans due to surviving him, having to get rid of Blue's magic to even win

☆ Paps and Chara don't like Killer so they keep it hidden, also to protect Blue from NM

𖣠 Killer keeps Blue's old one because hes weird and its like a trophy

☆ Killer thought being mean would get blue to leave and stop so kept being a jerk

𖣠 Killer didn't trust Blue around his cats bc trauma but when he caught wind Killer had cats absolutely spoiled them with treats and toys

☆ They have a lot of "Why do you care" talks

𖣠 Killer has said "You're my favorite star out of all the ones you've shown me"

☆ Blue 100% got giddy from that

𖣠 Killer is very touchy physically to make sure Blue is real + just a flirt

☆ Blue isn't use to it but makes him smile

𖣠 Blue confessed first on accident

☆ Said something like "I wish you could fully feel so you could love me too" and then was like "Oh stars I'm sorry!"

𖣠 Killer probably just laughed and said something like "I wouldn't mind that being my first feeling if we can get this solved."

☆ Killer made the first move

𖣠 Killer has bought him awful aprons saying stuff like "Spooning leads to forking"

☆ Killer likes testing Blue's alcohol tolerance

𖣠 Due to Killer trying to maintain his soul around Blue, hes actually more dangerous due to repression so if NM finds out about them, makes them not allowed to be alone for Blue's safety

☆ "If I ever get to stage three or four around you, please kill me." "You know I can't do that."

𖣠 Blue gets super happy everytime he sees killer's soul in stage 1 especially when more frequent because that means improvement

☆ Blue plans dates every weekend

𖣠 Oh yah why NM doesn't kill Blue is bc I HC them as friends since they both deal with idiots plus errormare LOL

☆ He also plans relaxation time after hard mission Killer has to do

𖣠 Had a "I'm... not a real person. I thought... haven't we... is this not how it works?" talk (I love SU referencing them)

☆ Since my blue is a mixture of all swap versions, when Blue has a bit of a ""yanberry"" moment Killers just like "Oh thats hot"

𖣠 If Blues universe were to reset Killer might have a Dust moment with Chara

☆ Blue rambles a lot to Killer

𖣠 He doesn't mind since it keeps him knowing Blue is real and distracts him from Chara ghosty

☆ If Killer were to "die", everyone would reassure Blue he'd just reset and come back SU style

𖣠 If he doesn't, Blue would talk to Reaper asking when Killer would be back and alive who'd say "It doesnt work that way, kid" if Killer chose to actually rest (I forgot what comic I saw that gave this idea)

☆ Blue still has PTSD from their fight so hates knives if held by Killer

𖣠 Blue goes to Killer when its storming

☆ Blue teaches Killer how to dance

𖣠 Killer's hallucination of Blue consists of a bloody eye powerless eye, tear eyed, and bloody in general

☆ Killer was Blue's first partner and kiss

𖣠 Same cannot be said for Killer but def is most healthy

☆ No one on really supports their relationship but thats because of Killer

𖣠 Blue will standup for Killer but no one really is scared of him, more so of killer whos behind him

☆ Blue has patched up Killer's jacket / sweater many times

𖣠 Just doomed yaoi by definition sorry

☆ Blue goes to Killer if dealing with Dream and Ink has gotten too much and vise versa with the three idiots (cross being the third) and NM

𖣠 Sit in comfortable silence together, occasionally checking in on one another

☆ Killer took Blue to see the stars despite his distaste since he felt bad for beating his ass after that

𖣠 "If you ever miss me, just look at the stars. Only a universe away" - Killer

☆ If they were to have a kid, Killer would be an amazing dad but think he's terrible

𖣠 I like to think that even after Blue and Killer's fight that even if Blue's magic is okay in his eye, his rib is still missing and unhealed and he's partially blind in that eye causing the magic to be a lighter blue

☆ This started from my Dustberry headcanons that sort of just trickled but I feel like he shows care about things Dust and Killer see, AKA Paps and Chara and often ask if they would like anything specific for dinner and try to converse with them even if he cant see or hear them

𖣠 Killer would probably think its super weird but probably get jealous if he lets Dust get that treatment (I needed to add my badsans poly + swap (and saejun + epic but thats a rant for another day) some where)

☆ I don't think they'd be the perfect relationship don't get me wrong, I feel like Killer would constantly try to break it off in some way for some normalcy but I feel like Blue is grounded enough to know this and understand this and knows if he just ups and walks he'd only be hurting Killer more

𖣠 Now this doesn't mean he is a doormat, he'll scold Killer but thats for after

☆ For angst purposes, I like the thought that Killer got hurt because of Blue trying to get Nightmare to ease the work load and what not and since he's NM's right hand man that didn't really fly by

𖣠 Despite Blue's positivity and how he views himself, because I HC him with HPD or histrionic personality disorder, he has a low view on himself away from others and I feel like Killer would try to help him during all those times as a way to pay Blue back for all the effort he has given to help Killer

☆ Since I HC Blue doesn't remember resets and the younger brother, I like to think that Killer introduced him fully to this talk, Stretch probably tried before but just thought it was nightmares

𖣠 I feel like Blue would try and make Killer sweets only to find out he doesn't really like em due to everything LOL

☆ I also HC Killer to cough DT a lot so Blue keeps a spare little handkerchief on him to wipe Killer's mouth

𖣠 I like to think Blue really looks up to Dream and Ink but they semi push him away as he's a mortal so Killer has those "Who needs em" talks and probably realizes he's semi codependent on them as he is to Nightmare but not in the same life depends on it way

☆ Also when theyre hiding their relationship I like to think that they'd run off during battles like the freaks they are

𖣠 Soley based on a RP with Mae but Blue calling Killer, Kiki and Killer calling Blue, Iris is my ride or die oh my stars

☆ Because Killer doesn't talk too much in the canon events of Something New, I feel as if the more Killer talks to Blue is another indicator to Blue about change and that makes me smile (Ignore how Killer talked a bit in their fight it just proves Killer fought him out of love /silly)

𖣠 I feel as if my Blue had a Blueberror moment, Killer and him would bond a lot due to similar feelings of not being good enough + both kinda chill in an antivoid space and yeah I probably have a ton more I can pull out of my ass but I am tired sooooooooo

Heres their playlist I update religiously:

#undertale au #undertale #utmv #underswap #underswap sans #killerberry #killer sans #somethingblue #something blue #somthing new #somethingnew #headcanons #blue rambles #utmv headcanons

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jakeyt · 2 years ago

Text

Covet: Chapter 2

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader

Covet Summary:

Life was good. No, life was great.

Was.

Until.

Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.

You welcomed him into your life—your home.

Yes, he was your best friend’s twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in.

Jake Kiszka came with so much you really didn’t want.

At least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

Warnings: descriptions of past toxic relationship/cheating; consumption of alcohol; anxiety; mentions of sex/sexual situations; Jake being an asshole; Reader takes an extra Melatonin (doctor's advice)

Chapter Word Count: 8.1k

Covet Masterlist

a/n: wooohooo! we have come to chapter 2!

please forgive me for how long this took to be posted. i am a school teacher, and the end of year is the most hectic. 🫠 so, busyness combined with my need to make sure i personally feel good enough with a chapter to post it. . . it’s not a good combo. lmao although, summer is right around the corner! and i promise when it comes, covet will get much more of my attention!!

reminder that this is a ~slow burn~ in its truest form.

i <3 and appreciate you all!! i truly can’t say thank you enough for the support and kind words (it means so much, esp w/ this being my first gvf fic). i love hearing feedback from each and every one of you!!

alright, i will be done w/ my rambling. i apologize on behalf of myself. lol

hope you enjoy, my loves.

Disclaimer: this is absolutely, undoubtedly 110% a work of fiction. i do not claim to know greta van fleet. i do not claim that any of this actually occurred. again, this is a complete work of fiction. And, please, DO NOT steal this work, as it is 110% mine. plagiarism isillegal. and, as our friend google puts it, plagiarism is “illegal if it infringes an author's intellectual property rights.” and, being these words/ideas are my intellectual property rights. . .don’t take them. legal action will be taken if you take credit for any of my work.

-🌼🌼🌼 -

Chapter 2

The first month of living with Jake went about as smoothly as one would expect.

His first full day in the apartment, you’d woken up, ready to be nice. Really. You’d tried your hardest to forget about how he’d acted when he had made his grand entrance.

But he wasn’t giving up on his act.

When you’d been standing at the coffee maker in the kitchen that first morning, loading your K-Cup, he’d stopped at the counter. You didn’t know what for, but when you noticed him there, you had tried to start a conversation. Some meaningless small talk to try and break the ice he’d created.

And his only response? A barely audible hum.

You did give him credit for glancing up to at least acknowledge your presence. Although, that’s the bare minimum of basic human decency. So, you didn’t give him much credit.

But, that had been it. And then, he’d left for the day.

It had instantly caused you to be pissed at everything. Including the coffee maker’s little unnecessary spurts as it poured coffee into your mug.

Every day since then had gone about the same, sometimes with even less interaction than that. And to you, the lack of desire to even try to associate with you was offensive.

After all, you were the person who had literally given him a place to live.

To make things worse, he was that kind of asshole that you couldn’t seem to get out of your head. It really just confirmed how truly repulsive he was.

You had gotten an idea midway through that first month to begin compiling a list of apartment rules.

Initially, it had seemed pointless. Then, you reminded yourself that you were worth better treatment. You knew you deserved for Jake to show at least a sliver of respect towards you in your home.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You decided to tell Josh of the rules you’d crafted.

“I will be very honest, I really don’t know how well those will go over, Y/N.”

He was giving you a look that instantly made you go into defense mode.

“Joshua. It’s been a month,” you matched his look with one of your own. You wanted your point to be known. You were going to make damn sure that Josh understood why you wanted to do this. “Josh, he still barely even looks at me. I think rules would give us some sort of common ground. And it would force him to show the place—and me—some respect.”

“Jake has never been one to want to follow the rules — do what he’s told,” he scratched the buzzed side of his head, right above his ear.

You stood with a hand on your waist, right under your thrifted crop top. You eyed him, making sure he knew he needed to elaborate.

You didn’t know much at all about your roommate.

You’d been waiting for Josh to share more, but he didn’t share much. He claimed that it wasn’t his place. You were desperate though. All you knew about Jake was that he was your best friend’s twin, what his record choices were, that he had been in an apparently crappy relationship, and the fact that he was an ungrateful asshole.

Josh relented slightly. “I’ll tell you this story because it involves me as well. And we were so young,” he leaned with his back against the checkout counter, facing away from customers. “When we were in our freshman year of high school, he played soccer while I participated in theatre. He enjoyed it and he was actually quite good at it, you know,” Josh smiled, obviously replaying memories. “But, high school classes grew increasingly harder. We both struggled, honestly. We love to learn more. . . I mean, you know this about me. He’s the same way. But we really only enjoy doing it most when it concerns the subjects for which we’re passionate.

So, high school work being less than interesting to us both, our grades dropped. Big time,” his eyes widened, once again reliving it all. At this point, he was staring into space to tell the story. “Our parents and teachers came down on us hard. They told us we would be kicked out of our extracurricular activities if we didn’t raise our grades.”

You shook your head, looking around the store. A couple of regulars were perusing. You knew them well enough to know it would be awhile until they were done. “I know exactly where this is going.”

You both made eye contact then, and as he looked your way, he gave a little closed-mouth grin that made his eyes crinkle. “Yeah? Guess.”

You smirked at your friend. “You, being you, were determined to show that you had what it took to make the grade. You cared enough about theatre to continue it,” he nodded at your words. “And, in the time I’ve known you, you’ve never been one to say no to a challenge. It’s why we are friends. I love a good challenge.”

He made a noise of agreeance. Then, his eyebrows raised and his lips turned down. The look he gave you told you he was impressed. “You know me well,” he continued. “Now, how well do you know your roommate?”

You scoffed. “As you know, not fucking well. But I know he couldn’t give two shits about what others think of him,” you pointed to yourself. “I’m a shining example. So, —.”

“Essentially, he said ‘fuck it’ and just decided to continue on with what he had been doing in his classes, which was jack shit,” Josh had finished for you, wanting to complete the story he’d begun.

“How did he even pass high school?”

He gave you a deadpan stare and raised his eyebrows. You rolled your eyes. At the same time, you both said:

“Girls.”

You rolled your eyes even harder this time. “Good God.”

Josh nodded, lips turned down, his eyes still held a little glint. “Yup. Get my point now?”

“Yeah, but like I just said, I’m not one to turn down a challenge. Just like you, Josh,” you smiled at a customer who was finally walking up to the counter, a few records in hand. “And your brother. . .I’ve learned he is nothing if not a challenge.”

He nodded, he knew you were right. And he’d known you long enough to know that you did indeed enjoy overcoming any problem life may hand you.

In this instance, you hoped he understood your current challenge/problem was Jake.

And you needed to know how to fix it. Josh was your only source. You just had to get him to break for more information.

Again, you really liked a good challenge.

-🌼🌼🌼-

The shift rolled on. The two of you had been working the closing shift that day.

So, as the day shifted to evening, and with about an hour before the store closed up, you started nightly duties. Josh went about straightening vinyls, fixed the ‘Featured’ wall (his favorite), and re-folded the shirts the store carried with the Black and Gold’s logo.

Meanwhile, you swept and dusted the store.

You hated to admit it. You really did. But you couldn’t help how the conversation from earlier had piqued your interest even more than before.

You were now hooked. You wanted to learn more about your mysterious roommate.

You debated how you were going to ask Josh for more information. What was a way you could ask that would convince him to tell you more about his twin?

Ever since Jake had moved in, you’d tried so desperately to get information out of Josh.

And he just refused to budge.

You were putting the broom away when you’d settled on how to ask him.

You were going to be a jackass and use manipulation.

You sucked, you knew this. You were just dying to know more about this person with whom you shared your home. And, to reiterate, it had been a damn month of knowing next to nothing about him.

So, when you joined Josh behind the counter as he balanced the register, you were ready to play your hand.

“Alright, so, Elsie still isn’t sure if she wants to be in your movie.” There it was. A complete lie using your sister— the one he was completely smitten with. In truth, Elsie had agreed on the spot.

But, again, desperation had led you to this.

You didn’t look up from your task of watering the plants that sat at the window. Just keep talking. “I have a proposition for you. You tell me more about Jake and I will convince her with everything I have to star in your film.”

You still didn’t look over to him. You were afraid of rejection. Then, you heard what seemed to be a sigh of defeat out of your best friend. You looked up to him, his eyes still reading uncertainty.

“Y/N,” he sighed. You knew he was about to say the same thing he had said for the past month.

“I know, Josh. It’s not your story,” you moved forward to be standing right next to him. You balanced your elbow on the counter, you needed to say your piece—needed him to understand. You locked eyes with him, pleading. “Come on, Josh. I am desperate. He won’t offer anything up. He is silent. It’s been a month. He refuses to acknowledge my presence, hence me forcing him to notice me with the rules,” you paused, suddenly looking to the ground. You needed Josh to bend to your vulnerability. “But, I just need something else. You told me that one story earlier,” you urged. “Just something else small that might help me know him a bit better than I do now.”

You looked up. You were anticipating another rejection from him after you’d finished babbling. Though, his eyes seemed to open more at your apparent state of helplessness.

He knew that it wasn’t fair what Jake was putting you through. He had to acknowledge that. You knew he felt most things with you. And you knew he was someone who had enough integrity to want to help you out. He knew this situation had been less than ideal.

He just had to loosen up on his stance of not wanting to tell his brother’s stories.

He released one more sigh. “Fine,” he looked you in the eyes. “And please try your hardest to get your sister convinced to star in my film. The role was created for her.”

You nodded. You looked to the ground once more at that last part. You felt guilty for using that little white lie. “You’ve got it.”

“Y/N.”

You looked up to him after he’d spoken your name in a tone that was much more serious than his usual.

His brown irises were intent as he spoke. “You have to know I’m breaking a big rule of mine,” he continued. “I don’t like speaking to stories that belong to other people. Our experiences are unique to us. They deserve to be told by those to whom they happened.”

You nodded. You understood his point. You totally knew why he felt the way he did.

“Josh, you can just tell me childhood stories that involve both of you,” you grabbed his arm. You needed him to know you were being genuine. “I don’t want to make you betray your principles.”

He patted the hand you’d placed on his arm. “I appreciate that, Y/N,” he cleared his throat. “I just think you need to know some of the—,” he spread his hands out to emphasize, then clapped them back together. “The bigger pieces of him. At the moment, he won’t let himself show you who he is. He really isn’t a bad person. He’s just been through a hell of a lot recently.”

All you could do was nod your head once. There wasn’t much left for you to say. You would let the curly headed man begin when he was ready.

He eyed the clock. You looked with him. Only thirty minutes to eight o’clock.

You looked down to your palms, wiping them on your jeans. They were suddenly getting clammy at the prospect of what information could be hitting you within the next 30 minutes.

“I’m going to begin by saying that as his five-minutes-older brother, I’m glad that Jake gets to finally live life for himself without having to worry about being hung up on a girl,” he looked to the two folded chairs that always sat behind the counter. “Let’s sit.”

You followed him to the chairs. And as he sat in the right chair, you sat in the left. He looked into space, contemplating what to say next.

“Jake is seriously going through something he has never experienced before. I mean, your significant other being unfaithful to you sucks anyhow. But she’s been all he’s known for so long. . . This is a complete life upheaval for him, of sorts,” he pauses. “He and this girl — they truly were together for a long time. What are he and I . . . 24 now?”

You nodded.

“Well, they got together when we were juniors in high school. That would make this relationship about seven years old,” he sighed. “Long time to be together—and it began when they were really only kids.”

You nodded again, coaxing him on.

“So, since they were together that long. . . there was a lot that happened between them in high school alone, but then you have post-high school when he set his life plan on the back burner for her. We had these plans — big ones. A dream we’d shared. All of us. Sammy and Danny included.”

You were wondering what the dream could have been. “What was the dream?”

Josh shook his head. “It was Jake’s first. We all followed along behind him,” he looked down, rubbing the back of his neck. “It wouldn’t be right for me to share.”

You were left wondering at that, but you did understand why Josh didn’t want to share. There was honor in that. And he wouldn’t be Josh if he didn’t show his honor, especially by showing loyalty to those he loved.

“So, his dream. . .,” you exaggerated the word by using your hands as jazz hands. “It went down the tubes?”

Josh gave you a look. It was a look that told you to take a step back and try to understand.

You relented.

You knew it was only right to put your grumpiness with Jake aside for this story. Josh was showing vulnerability on his brother’s behalf. Plus, you’d been the one to force Josh out of his moral values to divulge Jake things. It wasn’t right to act anything but respectful to these tellings of Jake. For Josh’s sake alone.

And you’d be lying if you said you weren’t dying to hear more. Learning of Jake’s past was like satisfying this raging itch.

“I’m sorry,” your voice was quiet.

The edges of Josh’s eyes wrinkled as he gave you a reassuring grin. “It’s okay,” he patted your knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I know why you’re blunt about him. I know the man’s entire range of emotions. He acts like a child when he— when his emotions are so big and bad.”

“And right now,” you started. Your heart was growing slightly soft. “He is feeling the most emotions.”

Josh shook his head to agree. “Though, this girl was always a pill,” he rolled his eyes. “I liked her a lot at first, truly. But she started flirting with me an awful lot to be dating my brother,” his body shook as if to shake the memory. “It’s honestly not a shock to me that their relationship ended the way it did.”

Though, as soon as the last words had left his mouth, he looked down to consider them. He was weighed down by an emotion he didn’t need to speak out loud for you to know. Guilt.

It was your turn to reach a hand over to touch his knee. You just sat your hand there and told him. “You cannot blame yourself for any of this.”

He continued looking down. “I should have talked to him about how she would make advances. . . To warn him. Maybe he would have never gone and he could have—.”

He placed a palm to his forehead, eyes closing. He was going to get lost in this thought if you didn’t stop him.

“Josh, she was a terrible person all along,” you placed a hand on his back, rubbing his right shoulder blade. “Jake isn’t a stupid person. He can’t be. You aren’t. And he’s your twin brother. He could have noticed the signs if he wanted to. It was his responsibility to drop her when he had the chance,” you gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Before any of this happened. Apparently he just loved her too much to fully acknowledge what he needed to do.”

You gave him a couple of minutes to really think about that. Then, finally, he lifted his head. “He wouldn’t have listened to me anyways,” He had a gleam in his eye. “My brother is a stubborn asshole,” he chuckled a little. “If you haven’t noticed.”

You gave him a look that said ‘No? Really?’ That turned a few more giggles loose from his chest.

He continued, letting his tone become serious again. “So, our senior year, Jake really started getting serious about his dream. We all made these real plans, but they were ruined,” he paused, his mouth becoming a straight line. He was remembering a moment that caused a particular annoyance. “That was until she brought up how she wanted him to move with her if she got accepted to this prestigious school in Illinois,” he cleared his throat. “It makes me angry that she asked, but I also get wanting to ask your serious significant other to move with you. It was different—more than that, though.

Her selfishness was so prominent so often; I think that’s why her asking rubbed me so wrong then, and still does now. She knew if she asked, he’d go. He’d leave his own aspirations in the dust for her. She knew what he wanted—what he’d always wanted. But still, she deemed her choices, her career, more important.”

You nodded, completely seeing eye-to-eye with your best friend. “I think there’s this sense of justice in you for your brother that he hasn’t always seemed to have for himself.”

“Yes!” Josh’s expression was one of relief that you understood. “And the thing with Jake is

. . . He’s always—girls have—,” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “As soon as his hormones kicked in when we were younger, he started noticing girls. He indulged himself in all of that,” Josh lifted his eyebrows. “He really has a strong appreciation for women, I’ll say that.”

You rolled your eyes, nodding and then crossing your arms, sitting back. Your stomach leaped in a way you chose to ignore at the mention of his appreciation for women. To you, it was ludicrous that he couldn’t appreciate you in some capacity. If he needed sex in order to appreciate a woman, you were not the one.

“A big piece of him changed when girls started becoming involved. He lost a piece of himself. It’s almost as though he didn’t see himself as worthy without one. And now—.”

“And that’s why it’s so hard for him right now,” you finished the statement, bringing yourself back. “He’s lost a sense of his identity. . .

having to find out who he is without a woman.”

Josh clicked his tongue, a smirk showing with a dimple in his cheek. “Precisely. It’s been a while for him,” a little spark caught in his eye. “On the drive moving him here, I told him that he needs to take a fucking break from women until he starts understanding what it means to think of what he wants first,” he rubbed at his forehead. “I know it seems like a terrible thing for me to say, but I think it’s important for him to put himself first for once in his goddamned life. He deserves to know who he is without a woman claiming him as her own.”

“Because he is worth knowing himself for who he is,” you concluded.

“Aw, Y/N. . . You growing a soft spot for Jakey?” Josh smiled smugly at you.

You held eye contact with him for a few seconds and then laughed outright at his statement. “You’re funny,” you looked to the clock, realizing you were only a couple of minutes from closing. You got up from the foldable chair and went to grab your purse from a hook behind the desk.

Josh followed your lead, but stopped to look for his phone. He tapped at all of his pockets. Then, coming up short, he looked around the register and the checkout counter.

You helped him look. But, the sound of Gloria Gaynor belting that “she will survive” helped you locate it easier. You saw it light up, sitting atop a box of new records at the back of the shop.

You groaned, already walking to get it for him.

“Josh, you have got to be better about keeping track of your phone.”

Josh tsked at you, “And you have got to be better about not bossing me around,” he turned off the lights around the register. “I refuse to be a slave to such a tiny device that doesn’t serve any purpose to my spiritual healing.”

You rolled your eyes at him, though you knew he was right. As you approached his phone, you got one final glimpse at the caller ID picture. It had been a picture of Jake.

Even though you had just taken a deep dive into Jake’s past and grown a tiny fraction of sympathy and understanding for him. . .his picture still made you want to punch things.

As much as his recent past had sucked, he treated you with such blatant disrespect for someone who had offered their home to him.

When you traipsed back over to Josh, he was waiting for you at the door, hand already on the doorknob to leave. “Jake called you.”

Josh turned around. His back was facing you and a thumb pointed behind him. “Pocket,” he said.

You snickered a little bit and did as he told you. Josh was choosing you over his prick of a brother and, quite frankly, you were bursting at the seams.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You were not ready to go home to more awkwardness and Josh could tell as much, so he invited you to get a quick drink after work with him.

He filled you in on everything else he deemed necessary as you drank a couple of margaritas on the rocks, him settling on just one Salty Dog.

Josh told a few finishing details about how much it had sucked to be separated from his womb mate for so many years.

“It honestly felt like I was cut off from him.”

Your heart hurt for him. “I’m glad he is nearer to you now,” you paused, curious. “Did he miss you that much too?”

Josh set a look on you, “Who was the first person he called after it happened? He was ready to be with me again,” he put a hand over his heart. “Came back to his understanding, sensitive twin . . . every moon needs its sun.”

You gave a conceding nod and shrug. “Fair,” you smiled. “You're obviously the sun.”

“Obviously,” he flashed a smile your way. “He might not admit it right now, but he was not at his happiest with her,” he stated. “As ironic or untrue it may seem with his moodiness, I think if he isn’t already, Jake is on his way to feeling the most free he has in a long time. I’m glad to have him back with me. Being away from each other wasn’t good for either of us.”

Your heart swelled for the tenderhearted man next to you. You watched as he looked off into space with what could only be described as a soft sort of pensiveness. You were happy for your friend, despite how Jake was acting or made you feel.

You felt your head get slightly light from the alcohol on an almost empty stomach from being at work nearly all day. You were still so curious, you wanted to know more.

“So, how did it happen?”

“Well, all I know is she was getting quite distant for a while, but Jacob thought she was only distracted by her job. Gave her the benefit of the doubt, let her do her thing and just followed along,” he gave you a look. “He did that much too often. My brother isn’t a puppy dog, but he followed her around like one,” Josh’s jaw clenched and he scratched at his bare chin. “One would say that he loved her. But as his twin, if my telepathic brain is worth anything, I believe that more than love, Jake shared so much with her when they were young that he felt obligated to follow her lead. . .no matter what.”

“And that makes you angry.”

“Oh, quite,” he continued, eyebrows bunched together. “The way he put it when he told me of the situation was that it was as though she was,” he held up air quotes. “‘Shooting the shit.’”

“Just told him like it was no big deal?” You shook your head. “That’s harsh.”

“More than that, told him in a way that made it seem like she was already done. Essentially, his reaction meant nothing to her. She just needed to tell him in order to end things,” he continued. “She told him it had been going on for quite some time and that she didn’t think they could make it work after it all.”

“What did she do after she told him? What happened after?”

Alcohol was interacting with your senses. Otherwise, you wouldn’t show open curiosity like this. You were sure of it.

“Well, she left,” He chewed his lip lightly. “Left Jake to deal with the aftermath — the knowledge of it all — by himself. She went to stay with a friend and he had exactly a week to get his shit together and move out. So, being the decent and thoughtful person he is,” you made a sound. Josh gave you a look. “He respected her wishes and got the hell out.”

You really had no words for the situation. It was horrid for Jake, you had to admit. You felt bad for him. You really did. Even though he pissed you off beyond belief, you still knew he was deserving of better than any of what she had put him through.

You just wished he wouldn’t react in a way that made him become an utter jerk. Due to his attitude, you couldn’t claim that you knew the person who seemed so selfless and loving in Josh’s stories.

The person you knew was the opposite of the one told in Josh’s tales.

You only knew a self-centered jerk who held absolutely no respect for you in any way.

You hated to admit to yourself just how much you wished to know the person Josh had told you about this evening.

-🌼🌼🌼-

As Josh dropped you off at the stoop to your apartment that night, he shared with you an idea that had come to him.

“This weekend. We need to do something this weekend.”

You quickly agreed, “Yes! I’d love to have a weekend that’s just us. . .like old times.”

“Actually,” he scuffed the bottom of his white sneaker against the stair step he stood on. He eyed you. “How about we involve Sammy and Danny?”

You could be okay with that. Then suddenly, your stomach flipped. “What about Jake?”

He met your eyes. “He would join. All of us. Game night.”

“Josh,” his name came out like a child’s whine. “Why?”

He put a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “It will be good for both of you. He’ll get to be around you with others and you’ll get to be around him while he’s with people he already knows and feels most comfortable with,” he squeezed lightly at your shoulder. “It will be great. He’ll come out of his shell, and surely he’ll act a little more like himself if he’s around myself and the other two.”

Your stomach rolled at the idea of actually spending any sort of time with Jake.

Establishing rules? Sure, you could do that. It might take 10 minutes max. But an extended amount of time actually hanging out?

You agreed to it before Josh left you that night, even though you had your hesitations.

You wanted to bring some joy to the man that had been there for you through so much. You were also desperate to look like the bigger person in this situation. And, surely agreeing to this would make Josh see that you were trying when Jake wasn’t.

You needed Josh to see the trueness of your heart in all of this, no matter how much bitterness his brother had caused you.

When you’d entered your home that evening, the lights had all been off. Jake’s door was closed. He was asleep. Thank God.

As you stood at the bathroom mirror taking off your makeup, you convinced yourself it would be fine. You could find positives. You’d hung out with the other three before. You all got along very well in a group setting and honestly always had a great time. That part would be all right.

You just had to convince yourself that Jake wouldn’t ruin it by simply being there with his persistent little dark cloud of distemper.

By the time you tucked yourself under your covers, you decided no matter what, you would have a fun time. If only for the benefit of the other boys and yourself.

You were also determined to show the best parts of yourself to Jake. A darker part of you wanted him to feel slightly (very) guilty for how he’d been treating his simply incredible roommate.

But before game night, you had to talk to him about your rules. You weren’t looking forward to him blowing you off. You had a terrible idea that would be the response you’d get to you speaking to him.

But you still had to try.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You thought through the best time to go over the rules with him, and decided the day before your night with the guys was the best option.

Your mind had settled on Jake taking two possible routes with the conversation. You figured going over them on that Friday before would work for both of these possibilities.

One possibility was that he would sulk and pout and react like an asshole, and doing it on Friday would give him an entire day to do so. The second option was that he could very possibly just straight up ignore you like he usually did. And, you thought it best to do it a day before he would be forced to associate with you.

It also seemed fitting to do so on the day that marked almost an entire month of him living with you. You were only one day away from it having been a whole month of him sharing your home. What a perfect time to actually acknowledge and officially, really talk to you.

Time for him to realize all you were was a super kind person. A person who offered him shelter when there was virtually nowhere else for him to go.

He needed to respect you and your hospitality.

You had gotten used to him usually arriving home by six every night. So, you loomed in the living room until he got home around six that evening.

And almost right at 6 o’clock, you heard his keys jingle in the lock.

As soon as he walked in and saw you leaning against the couch, he stopped to stare at you. It was an awkward-ass stare that made you want to slap him right across the smooth skin of his tanned cheek.

He was just infuriating.

“Hey,” you started, trying to sound easygoing. You didn’t know why you were nervous, but you were.

“Hi,” his response was spoken as a question.

You knew that you standing there probably seemed extremely odd to the man.

You didn’t care if it made him feel uncomfortable. He deserved it after making you feel edgy for the last month in your own home.

He started to move on from you, already deciding to disregard you.

“So,” you started, sticking to the assignment. And, surprisingly when you spoke, he stopped in his tracks. “I think I’ve decided it might be a good idea to make some apartment rules.”

With his back facing you, you saw him shake his head. His wavy locks caught the streams of the evening sun’s yellow glow, making the head shake that much more offensive.

When he still didn’t turn around, you continued. “You can go change your clothes if you want,” you folded your arms tighter to your chest. “I’ll wait out here.”

He then turned, crossed back to the kitchen counter and dropped his keys in the key bowl you’d had since Elsie lived at the apartment. Then finally, he faced you.

Your stomach did a little flip. Why were you nervous to establish these rules for your apartment? You just needed to get it over with.

He raised his eyebrows and gave you a look that said ‘so?’

His face showed that he was already irritated. It was like the mere act of standing across from you was too much. Being forced to interact with you was a hassle.

And instantly, you were irked. Could he be any more ridiculous?

Admittedly, you were also already done with this talk. Screw him. You heatedly whipped your phone out of the back pocket of your jean shorts. You clicked through to your notes, where you’d started the rule list.

You started with the most agreeable rules.

“The first rule: don’t go in each other’s rooms. I think that’s common sense, but just in case it needs to be stated,” you moved on. “Number two: if we buy food or drinks, they belong to us and only us. I was thinking we could even make two separate sides of the fridge. One side for yours and one for mine.”

You looked up when you heard him take a breath. You looked at him just in time to see him breathe out a tight-lipped sigh, a mocking smirk on his face as he bugged his eyes.

You chose to ignore him, blatantly rolling your eyes and looked back to your phone.

“Rule number three: do your own dishes and do your best to keep the sink empty. Rule number four: keep our common spaces clean. You know, kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom. . .clean up after yourself,” you glanced at him, seeing that he was looking into space, eyes still huge. His arms were crossed across his chest as yours had been. “Rule five: do your own laundry. And I think switching off every other day for whose laundry day it is would be a good idea. I get Monday, you get Tuesday, I get Wednesday. . .and so on.”

You paused, giving him room for notes if he had any. His face held a look you couldn’t quite read.

“Any thoughts?” You questioned.

He gave a little chuckle that seemed to mock the same air you’d just spoken the rules to. It was insulting. Still, you wanted to hear from him. So you waited.

And after a solid two minutes of just standing there, he loudly exhaled. His hand combed through the front of his hair, pushing it back. His eyes blinked a couple of times afterwards. “You seem to have it all nailed down, roomie.”

“Well, thanks,” you hesitantly responded. You were pleased that he was okay with what you’d shared so far. But his mention of the nickname seemed more snarky than anything.

“No, I mean,” he cleared his throat, rubbing at his chin. “You’ve got it nailed down. Like, you left no room for any ‘notes.’”

You scoffed at the air quotes he gave the word. “I’ve hardly ‘nailed it down’,” you gave your own air quotes for his words. “These are just an outline of ideas I have.”

“Just keep going,” he sighed as though he was completely exasperated and tucked both hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I have a date in like an hour.”

“A date?”

“And it’s your business how?”

“You just told me,” you argued. “That’s how.”

“Didn’t mean you could ask questions about it,” he bit back. “I was just telling you so you would know I don’t have time to just stand here and listen to you drag on about these ‘rules’.”

You shook your head, shocked at how rude a person could be. Completely in awe of the man, you decided you would continue. You were ready to be rid of him.

“Fine,” you angrily pressed your phone back on. “Speaking of dates. . .Rule six: when you have a date over, please keep them out of the common areas and remember the walls are thin. . . In general, no especially loud music, no loud. . .,” you cleared your throat and your skin prickled with embarrassment. “. . . anything else.”

“Oh,” he seemed interested. Figured. If it had to do with a woman, his interest was suddenly piqued. “That also applies to you and Josh, I assume?”

“What?!” You were suddenly very disturbed at that statement. “Josh and me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

He tilted his head down, his eyes sticking onto yours, hair falling to swing next to his face. “Seriously? You apparently know the walls are thin as shit. And our rooms are right next door, so I can hear the two of you stay up all hours of the night talking,” he looked to the side, his eyebrows raising. “Who knows what the hell else you both do after I fall asleep. You are both touchy as fuck with one another, so I’ll just let my mind wander with what happens behind closed doors.”

You started laughing hysterically at the whole statement Jake had just made. You couldn’t even gather your thoughts. Shocked was an understatement for how Jake’s assumptions left you feeling.

“Are you kidding me?” You stepped towards him, pointing a finger in his direction. “Of course you would assume a friendship is more than what it actually is. Hopeless fuckin’ roma—.”

You stopped yourself. You had almost called him a hopeless romantic. How would you even begin to explain that you knew enough about him to call him that?

He took a step forward, his jaw clenched. He crossed his arms across his chest again. His chest seemed to continue to rise with his irritation. His fingers were digging into his biceps, clad in his light blue button-up.

“No, finish. Please.”

Your blood pressure was rising, you felt your skin prickling with embarrassment and guilt. Your heart was racing. You shouldn’t have exploded and almost exposed what Josh had told you. You couldn’t betray Josh’s trust like that. You were being errant. You knew an anxiety attack was on the horizon if you didn’t stop soon. Betraying someone you love was known to bring you to tears quicker than almost anything else.

You also couldn’t deny how bad you felt for referring to something that was probably still a sensitive topic to your roommate. As much as you despised him, you didn’t have to be so overtly uncool towards him in a hard time.

“Let’s just keep on with the rules,” you tried to calm yourself down. You didn’t need to have an anxiety attack in front of him. That was the last thing you needed. “Please?”

He seemed to catch on to your nerves. And luck seemed to be on your side with how he relented so quickly. He still seemed a little irked, but his eyes were softer than they were before.

“Go on.”

You breathed in and out once, then situated your nerves the best you could to finish.

“I, um, I thought it would be cool to add a little something that would help keep us accountable for getting to know each other,” you didn’t want to meet his eyes, so you kept yours glued to the screen of your phone. “We both love music, so I was thinking. . .Rule seven: we switch off every other night and play a record on the record player. One of our own choosing. It would give us a good idea of who we’re living with.”

“Because the music we love really says so much about who we are,” he agreed honestly.

You looked up after he’d spoken, and the look on his face as he looked down said he hadn’t meant to speak it out loud. His eyebrows knitted together like he had conflict within himself. He didn’t want you to know he thought similarly to you, you were sure of it. He’d let his precious little guard down the slightest, smallest bit.

You couldn’t help it when a teeny-tiny grin landed on your lips. You shook it away before he could possibly see.

“Yep. Totally,” you said very quietly in response. But you knew he heard you when he blinked a couple times and then ran a hand through his hair, bringing his head back up in the process.

He was making you feel very antsy, and his date would be here soon. So, you tried to finish quickly.

“And finally, rule eight: we keep a work schedule posted to the fridge so we’re aware of when the other one will be at home. It will be helpful to know if the other one is at work; just in case of an emergency or anything, I thought it’d be helpful.”

You looked up as you finished, he was now leaning back against the kitchen counter. His amber-brown eyes stayed locked on yours earnestly for a bit. You felt your cheeks heat. Then he asked, “And you’re sure there’s not anything else?”

You shook your head ‘no’.

His previously haughty tone was coming back when he spoke next. “How do you expect me to remember all of these things? And we'll post our schedules on the fridge?”

You couldn’t help it as your heart leapt the slightest bit. He still wasn’t completely rejecting any of the rules. In fact, unless he was somehow being sarcastic, he even wanted a way to remember them.

“I—I’ll print it all out at work and put everything on the fridge,” you shoved your phone into your back pocket. “I’ll even include a place for our phone numbers, just in case we ever need those.” You added, "And we can just post our schedules when we get them every week."

He nodded once. He looked up at the ceiling then, obviously done with the conversation. You didn’t blame him. You really were too.

You were suddenly longing for him to ignore you again. His presence was making you tense. You didn’t know how to act around him. You hadn’t had that problem with anyone for a long time.

The last time was probably middle school when no one knew how to act around each other.

But now as an adult woman? You hated that someone made you feel like this.

And in your own home, no less.

He pushed off the counter and started to his room. Then, only steps from his room, he turned on his boot to face you, he held a look of blatant vexation.

Ugh, what now? You thought.

“Do we really have to have our own sections for our food and drinks in the fridge? Why don’t we just put our initials on things that belong to us?” He reasoned. “I’ll even buy the damned Sharpie.”

You couldn’t find a way to dispute his suggestion in the moment. You could agree with that. “Yeah, sounds good. Good idea.”

He gave an almost-smile (couldn’t show too much cordiality), “I have a few of those every once in a while.”

He then got a smug grin on his face, “Oh, and you might want to get some earplugs for tonight. . .paper thin walls and all that.”

“Jake,” you were stunned at the audacity. Your shoulders tightened up. “Seriously?”

He set his head back, raising his eyebrows up. A smirk raised his lips, “Nowhere on that rules list did you say I’m not allowed to bring women over. And I really can’t control whether or not I make them scream,” he set you with a stare, raising a brow. “And I’ve gotta say, that’s always been a pretty normal occurrence,” he paused. “And I most likely wouldn’t have been too keen on following a ‘no women’ rule anyway, so.”

“Asshole,” You scoffed, your thighs quivered. The disdain he caused you floated through your whole body. “A little full of yourself?”

“Alright then, don’t plug your ears,” his smirk only grew. “You’ll hear for yourself tonight. Post-breakup recovery fuck, y’know? Gotta get some of this lingering tension out of my system,” he shook his shoulders and arms out to emphasize his words.

Your skin grew angry goosebumps at the thought of everything he’d just said to you. You were amazed by him. Truly.

Not in a good way. Not amazed in the sense he’d wanted you to be.

He turned on his heel to continue the walk to his room, and you just stood in your spot. Your bare toes dug into the carpet, waiting to hear his door click.

Once finally alone, you let out a breath you’d apparently been holding. You shook your head at his repulsive words. You were utterly shocked that he would say any of that to you. What the heck?

This interaction had shown you that it was obviously too much for him to be a pleasant human for an extended period of time.

And he had no issue making you feel completely on edge.

Distasteful son of a bitch.

You wanted to go hide in your bedroom for the night. You didn’t want to chance running into him again.

You stomped to your room. You had had enough of Jake Kiszka for one night.

-🌼🌼🌼-

You downed the recommended 2-pill dose of melatonin that evening, but snuck in one extra with a giant swig of water.

Jake had left about an hour prior and you’d be damned if he woke you up with any sex-related noises.

You were ready to get some sleep anyway, completely tired after the stress you’d dealt with. Your doctor had suggested melatonin to induce necessary rest after any anxious episodes.

You knew you were to blame for a part of the stress, sticking your foot in your mouth the way you had. But Jake was the main culprit of the stress.

And you were done with him ruling your emotions for the evening.

-🌼🌼🌼-

And of course, the next morning, Jake was stuck in your head.

You hated it. It wasn’t because you wanted him there. It was thanks to a ridiculous dream that had plagued you during the night.

Your sleep had graced you with a reminder of the moment you’d almost outed your knowledge of his past. But in the vision, you weren’t feeling the onslaught of nerves you’d originally felt in the moment anymore.

No, in this version of it, all you could focus on was the vision of his chest, how it had been heaving in the midst of his irritation.

And it wasn’t even a covered chest that haunted your dream. No, it was his chest that seemed to be persistently bare. The bronzed, silky-smooth chest you’d seen one too many times in the month he’d lived with you.

You couldn’t understand how he was 24 years old and still didn’t know how to button his shirts past two buttons. It maddened you that he didn’t know how to button his entire shirt. His toned light brown, sun-kissed chest was distracting in a way you wished it wasn’t.

All you wanted was to escape your roommate. And now he was literally haunting your dreams.

You had chosen to deny how you’d woken up with sweat on your forehead, hair stuck to your equally sweaty face. You weren’t going to let him have that control over you. Not even in your dreams.

And now, you were completely dreading spending the evening with him in any capacity.

You just hoped Josh came armed with damn good booze for game night. You desperately needed to get out of your head.

-🌼🌼🌼-

a/n: next chapter is game night! we’ll finally get introduced to sammy and danny <3

there is sooo much to come. i can’t wait to share more with you all. like i’ve previously mentioned, their story is quite the rollercoaster. our beloved roomies are both very stubborn . . . it’ll make for a grand ‘ol time! lmao

i hope you enjoyed!! plz message me & let me know what you thought! hearing from you guys is just so wonderful! let me know if you'd like to be tagged for future chapters!! <3

taglist:

@joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @jaketlover, @writingcold, @jessicafg03, @gretavangroove, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @reesetrippingthelight, @lallisonl, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @Fretaganvleet, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @whollyfreeamongstthestars, @llightmyllovee, @sacredjake (even if it seemed to refuse to tag, i still tried - ugh! i apologize for any weirdness of the tagging. if i missed you, please let me know! i think i included everyone, but it's def possible i accidentally left someone out.)

#jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka #josh kiszka #greta van fleet fic #josh kiszka fic #sam kiszka #danny wagner #greta van fleet #jake kiszka smut #eventually #jake fic #covet #my fics

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4aceclover · 5 months ago

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Hi, I just wanted to say that ur Hypnosis Au is wicked cool 😎. I've read ur fanfic and I can't wait to read the next chapter 😁

I found it quite interesting when Viva referred brozone as that family. Will it play a significant part in ur au lore? And will branch begin to take notice how the trolls respond or interact with his big brothers?

Or how viva and peppy observe how poppy introduces herself to branch?

Or how branch's brothers actually take notice of how he's is "immune" to their gifts?

Or how exactly does Au Lore truly begin?

Sorry if I'm rambling abit 😅

I just think ur au is awesomesauce 😊

I'm so happy I make one chapter just for fun I didn't expect to get a question so I'm so happy you're asking all this and don't worry I ramble too

And let's just say there's always going to be lore hidden somewhere within each of these chapters you just got to find it, some of them will be a bit more lore heavy than others but I will always try my hardest to put small clues into each chapter when it comes to the lore

Anyway here are the answers to some of these questions

When it comes to Viva referring to Branch's family as "that family" that is going to be important because of the dynamic between her and Poppy vs branch and his brothers, (specifically for her Arc) She finds their relationship very sweet because she fails to notice the toxicity of her relationship with Poppy and the relationship between the brozone Bros. (I mean why would she notice it she's friends with Clay after all they have very similar mindsets)

Branch doesn't notice how people react to his brothers just yet because we're still in his childhood phase but he will notice it as he gets older and reminisces about the past

Ask for how trolls interact with the brozone Bros let's just say I have a few fun ideas for how brozone uses their power on the tribe before they leave (cuz currently they're still inside the troll tree)

Viva and Pepe will be there when Poppy finally gets a chance to talk to branch but that doesn't mean that she won't feel uncomfortable with having her family watching them (one cares about Branch, the other one obsessively thinks he's adorable, and Poppy just wants a friend)

As for Branch being immune to viva's power that's actually a point in the story that I want to dive into a little more, because Poppy and Viva have very similar powers however the way that they use them will be different thanks to branches influence. Viva's power is specifically to Make Trolls Happy which can be a good thing but at the same time can be seen as a toxic trait similar to toxic positivity, Poppy's power on the other hand is a bit different but I'm going to keep it a secret for now

At first Brozone genuinely don't even realize when branch is being immune to their powers because their baby brother is so innocent and sweethearted how could they notice, it's only when other trolls Powers don't work on him do they realize something's up (on the other hand, trolls who are better at observing others like their grandma, Poppy, and Creek for example do notice something up with Branch whenever it comes to their powers they just choose not to say anything because it's not hurting anyone, and because of their own personal curiosity)

Here's a little bit of my own info dump

So when brozone does find out about branches little immunity to other powers at first they're shocked and genuinely don't believe Viva when she tells them at first but when it starts to affect their lives that's when they see this as a problem, but rather than blaming Viva for it they actually ask her how in the world did it happen did they trigger this, to figure out how they can work around it not realizing that they can't

Branch being immune to other people's powers isn't a superpower that he has (remember branch is the only one born without powers even those that negate other trolls Powers he doesn't have that), it's just Branch showing his true colors in his own way without even realizing it. I plan on explaining it in a future post and in the story

I plan on explaining viva's power a bit more in the story itself alongside the bro zone Powers and a few other characters who play an important role in Branch's story

Ask for King Pepe well he's not a terrible father I'm just going to make this clear now but he does have his moments of being not the best, for clarification when he tries his hardest to be a good dad he ends up failing one of his kingly duties but when he tries to be a good King he ends up failing as a father and unfortunately he can't seem to find a good work around and it's not exactly his fault I mean anyone would struggle to be a good dad and a good King in his position

#trolls hypnosis #trolls au #trolls branch #brozone #trolls viva #4ace answers #fanfiction material #I'm so excited #I ramble #but I still have a few story tricks up my sleeve

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onyx-archer · 2 years ago

Text

I Don’t Really Like Sasha Waybright: A Look Into Redemption Arcs

Oh boy, it’s time for me to make another analysis piece based on some dumb Disney cartoon. This time though, it’s about the Frog Show™ and not the Owl Show™, because I also like Amphibia, warts and all. (yes, that was an intentional toad pun)

As the title would suggest though, we’re going into territory about a character I’m not particularly fond of, despite how much the fanbase seems to collectively like her, and that’s Sasha Waybright. I’ve never really been a fan of her, which some people I know have found somewhat amusing given that I tend to like similar characters. While that is sort of true, I’d argue it’s not quite true either. It’s complicated. In order to really get into it, I’m going to have to talk about spoilers for several shows... so spoilers for Amphibia, The Owl House, Gravity Falls, and The Ghost and Molly McGee. As always, it’ll be under the cut.

Oh, and before I get under the cut, I just wanna say one thing real quick for the people who see this under the Sasha Waybright tag: I’m not trying to shit on your good time, I’m tagging the post with her name because it’s largely about my opinion of the character (and to a lesser extent, Sasha ships, but I won’t be tagging the ships because that’s not relevant enough for the bulk of the post).

Anyway, onto the meat of the post:

Watching Amphibia is something that came about for me because I enjoyed The Owl House immensely, and because Matt Braly also worked on Gravity Falls (which was, until TOH wrapped, my favorite show). The show has a charm that took a little bit for me to really “get,” but I’ve since come to really appreciate the show in a lot of ways. Particularly, I think “The Hardest Thing” is singlehandedly one of the best finales of all time, and I’d personally rank it higher than both The Owl House’s AND Gravity Falls’ (though I don’t really like GF’s finale, which I’m gonna make a post about eventually). I think Amphibia’s emotional moments are genuinely better than the ones in TOH, but the show is still not quite as good over all. This isn’t meant to be a dig at Matt and his team, I still love Amphibia, but it’s not my favorite show, y’know?

As far as the cast of Amphibia is concerned, I grew to like Anne a lot as the series progressed, and she exhibited a strong character arc from a bit of an entitled brat that shirked responsibility into a responsible person who is empathetic to the needs of others. Her and her found frog family are a highlight of the show, and lead to some great comedy and emotional moments. When Marcy debuted, I was instantly like “yes this is my favorite character” because she’s just a genuine delight to watch, and I’m really sad she didn’t get used more as the series went along.

Sasha, on the other hand, was a character that I just never clicked with. The first impression I had of the character was that she was going to showcase the opposite end of the development spectrum, where she would gradually become a worse person, or that her negative qualities would be highlighted more so than her positive ones. I wasn’t entirely wrong by the end of Season 2, and when we got to her sort of redemption in Season 3, the show kind of lost me a bit.

The problem I have with the character is basically rooted in the fact that she enters the show a kind of toxic person, and then she just kind of decides to change because one of her friends got mortally wounded, and she feels guilty over stuff that happened as a result of her treacherous actions earlier in the story. She was willing to do whatever it took to get home, even if it meant manipulating people and killing those who stood in her way. She had no issue with the idea of killing the Planters, and often showed she didn’t care if she hurt people until it was too late. I get this was done to emphasize that Sasha needed to grow up, change, and become a better person... but I still think the way it was done leaves a lot to be desired.

The issue is more so how it was built up. For basically two seasons, we get to know this girl who is all kinds of toxic, and the show works hard to showcase that she’s not above lying to her close friends about her intentions to get what she wants. She learned nothing from the events at Toad Tower, despite suggesting Anne would be better off without her in the end of that whole thing. The next time we see her, she’s pissed that Anne didn’t side with her, and that she sided with frogs, which she has been told are lower on the societal/racial hierarchy by the toads. There’s a racism allegory in there somewhere, but I’m not particularly interested in getting too deep into that can of worms.

She then shrugs off Percy and Braddock’s desire to leave when facing the Narwhal Worm in “Barrel’s Warhammer,” despite saying she would leave if they wanted to. She then basically plays Anne and Marcy for fools by inciting a rebellion in Newtopia in “True Colors.” She put up the front of being better to Anne and Marcy because she wanted control, because she’s made to be the toxic “friend” that craves control. Sure, she has moments where she clearly feels a bit bad for being like this, but she doesn’t learn her lesson until one of her friend is nearly killed in front of her. She only cares about the consequences of her shitty behavior after she has to face losing someone she cares about for real.

Now, I know someone would likely point out that a lot of characters that can come off as mean or toxic have similar moments of revelation... but I don’t really think this is the case.

Let’s take one of the biggest points of comparison for Sasha from The Owl House, Amity Blight, and compare elements of their arcs from “jerk” to “good person.”

Amity obviously starts the series as something of a bully character, with a need to be seen as “the best,” and is willing to humiliate Willow to remind everyone how great she is. It takes her being humiliated by Lilith and Eda’s cheating during her and Luz’s duel, and Luz showing how determined she is to be a witch for Amity to soften up. She recognizes Luz is doing her best, despite being a magicless human in a world of witches and demons, and softens up. She’s still wary of Luz until after Luz helps her deal with the corrupted Otabin in “Lost in Language” for her to really see that Luz is a good person. From here, she gradually continues to become a better person, because Luz’s positivity has that effect on her.

By the time she has to face the consequences of trying to uphold her reputation nearly causing Willow to lose all of her memories, Amity realizes that she’d become a bad person, and actively begins to truly improve. She attempts to mend the rift between her and Willow that was caused by her parents demands as a kid, and she eventually distances herself from Boscha during the events of “Wing It Like Witches,” saying that she made her social life better by cutting Boscha out of it. Her growing feelings for Luz culminate in her finally standing up to her mother’s abusive ass to save the person she’s grown to love, who is also the person that lit the fires of change within her. She accomplishes this in a way that is organic. Seeing her go from stuck up to a girl doing her best to make her girlfriend happy just makes me smile.

Let’s use another example: Pacifica Northwest from Gravity Falls.

Pacifica starts her time in Gravity Falls as a foil to Mabel, serving as the bratty rich girl who thinks she’s above everyone. She gets humbled a few times as part of a gag, but when “The Golf War” and “Northwest Mansion Mystery” (which is my favorite episode of the show btw) take place, Pacifica begins to showcase some added depth. We see first hand that she has a lot of expectations placed on her by her parents, and they have a Pavlovian response to an abusive method of control via her father’s bell that she is conditioned to see as “you’re acting out of line for a Northwest.”

When she learns that her family’s current situation (the Lumberjack Ghost) is a result of the family’s poor attitude about “common folk” and lies told in the past, she is visibly shaken that her family is as bad as Dipper said it was. She then decides she wants to break free of her family’s twisted values, and while we don’t get to see that pay off much, she’s still seen as a better character by the end. This is one of the reasons I’m bitter that Gravity Falls only has 2 Seasons, as I feel like this would have allowed us to see Pacifica become an even better character, among other characters. To briefly mention shipping, part of the reason I love the idea of Dipcifica is because it highlights how Dipper had a profoundly positive impact on Pacifica’s life, even if just for that one episode, because it’s through her interactions with him that she was forced to confront how her family truly is, and how she desires to improve as a result. It’s kind of like... a straight prototype for how Lumity panned out, ironically enough.

To use a more modern example: Andrea Davenport from The Ghost and Molly McGee.

Andrea’s not really a character with a full blown arc, but she is far from the worst person around. She’s a girl who has her moments that reflect Pacifica’s early days, but with a more livestreamer mindset, and she has more compassion from the outset than Pacifica. She does things so her parents will praise her, much like Amity, but is also fully committed to helping people who are nice to her. Even though her and Molly got off on the wrong foot, the fact that Andrea is shown to be Molly’s friend when things get bad for Molly and her family around “Home is Where the Haunt Is,” Andrea uses her social media influence to help raise money to save the McGee’s house.

Season 2 of the show, thus far, has shown Andrea to be a good person, and is super supportive of Libby during “A Period Piece,” despite their past history. In the most recent episode of time of writing, “Davenport’s On Demand,” Molly gets Andrea into coding, and makes an app to help her family’s business. When she learns how the app is threatening the livelihoods of the other businesses of Brighton, she decides to delete the app, and works with Molly (and, unknowingly, a reluctant Scratch) to do so. It’s at least somewhat clear that Andrea actually values Molly’s opinion at this point, and seems to be positively influenced by Molly’s chipper vibes. While it’s not the most drastic character arc or anything, and actually feels like it’s missing a little bit of context, it still works because Andrea is has more room to grow, as the show is not finished yet.

Something the three I just mentioned all have in common is a positive influence on their lives. While it can certainly be argued that the positive impacts aren’t super comparable, insofar that they have varying degrees of depth of impact on said characters, it’s undeniable that there’s a moment where, because of a positive influence in their lives, the three girls begin to change for the better. Think of it like a sort of Olive Branch to become a better person, and they take it. How far they get in that journey of self improvement is not important, because they got the chance to improve and took it. They all feel earned to some extent, in my opinion, because there’s a bit of a gradual curve to seeing how they act.

Sasha, on the other hand, doesn’t feel like she earned her sudden chance at redemption. While she certainly puts on a good show, and makes good on her desire to change for the better, I find that because we had two whole seasons of her being a pretty crappy person, only to have the show give her one episode to improve as a person before Anne gets back to Amphibia and works with Sasha again... it just feels like Sasha got replaced at some point, and while the character looks and sounds like her, we didn’t really see much of the transformation, and I find that extremely jarring.

Pacifica is a character that, in basically 2 episodes, managed to get the depth needed to make her shift into a better person feel like we got to see her improve in real time. We even have a comic where we get to see Pacifica improve a bit more helps too.

In the case of Andrea, we see how her need for validation from her parents has affected her, and that’s why she’s so obsessed with the instant gratification of her online following’s praise, and why, after Molly helped her like, once, she was so quick to call Molly her best friend. Plus, there’s still more time for her to improve even more, as The Ghost and Molly McGee is currently airing it’s second season at time of writing.

Amity is the one that has the best arc of the ones mentioned, because we see her gradually change. They showed a gradual shift in her character, and the reason for that shift being Luz also lead into the best lesbian romance we’ve ever had in almost anything ever, period. We get a full display of how Amity grows as a person, and that helps make her shift feel believable and earned.

Sasha doesn’t really have that moment. She changes as a result of a bad thing happening to her. While you could say that is a realistic response, we don’t really get much in the way of a change. One day she decides to be a better person, and then we see her as a better person. While I’m not saying we needed a whole ass season dedicated to Sasha improving as a person, it’d have felt a lot better from a writing stand point if she was given more than a single episode to actually turn over a new leaf.

While one could easily argue that Sasha had moments throughout the show of expressing some semblance of doubt in regards to how she was acting, and that she showed signs of regret for being the way she was, she continued to be that kind of person anyway. She continued to manipulate people, and try to control things, until Marcy got a sword shoved through her chest. And while that’s not the worst reason for a change, people don’t just change who they are overnight, or even a few days. She needed more time to show that the change was something that she had earned, rather than just tell us “Sasha’s gonna be a better person starting... now!”

As for me mentioning ships... I feel like this is one of those instances where I know I’m going to get a little heat for saying it, but like, it genuinely feels like some people give Sasha a pass because she’s confirmed Bisexual, and we are sorely lacking positive queer characters in popular culture as a whole. I could make a whole ass post about queer characters (because man, as a queer person, I have a lot to say on how we view queer characters on the whole), but that’s for another time. I’ve never really liked Sashanne, Sasharcy, or Sashanarcy (I’m 10000% fine with polycules and polygamy, and if you aren’t, you can fuck right off), largely because I feel the romance well is too poisoned by Sasha’s past actions. I don’t really fuck with the idea of enemies to lovers much, and while they weren’t “enemies” persay, I feel like Anne and Marcy having dealt with Sasha’s more toxic side for as long as they did would make them wary of entering a romantic relationship with her, even if she didn’t regress into that mindset during said relationship. The shipping thing is totally a personal opinion though.

Anyway, hopefully I got across my feelings on Sasha as a character, and why I’m not the biggest fan. If you have anything you need me to try and clarify, then by all means, ask away via reblogs or replies. Otherwise, I look forward for the shit I’m gonna get for disliking a popular character. I guess I’ll see people in my next post lol.

#Amphibia Discussion #Amphibia #Amphibia Spoilers #Amphibia Analysis #Amphibia character analysis #Sasha Waybright #TOH Spoilers #The Owl House Spoilers #Gravity Falls Spoilers #GF Spoilers #The Ghost and Molly McGee Spoilers #TGaMM spoilers #analysis #Pacifica Northwest #Amity Blight #Andrea Davenport #comparing characters

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