#i truly think it pushed for queer rights even in real life

[thebroccolination]

Soooo when I said, “There’ll likely be a loud minority openly complaining about Krist topping and Singto bottoming and much more silent disapproval,” in my last post, I was giving the fandom way too much credit.

According to friends on Twitter, there was indeed a significant backlash over the sex scenes portrayed in the novel, some fans even going so far as to @ the series’ official account to complain about it.

(Don’t want PhiTam, yet tagging Krist first. Mixed signals, fam.)

Multiple folks say the mood among the fandom on Twitter at large right now seems to be mainly denial, that because the novel and series are written by different people, Singto’s character will surely play the top role in the series—even though he’s the bottom in the novel.

But, y’know:

And I, uh. I mean. This is:

Y’all?

Even outside the series, they’ve been—

Yeah, that.

So like. Y’know.

I mean, listen. To be so viscerally clear here, the reason I’m excited about Krist playing the top is because he played the bottom in both of his previous BL roles. (KristSingto had two shorts for Baby Bright where Krist seems more top-leaning, but I guess it was vague enough for people to ignore if they didn’t want to see it.) So I’m glad he’s getting versatility as an actor.

But it’s also because he’s been mistreated in the past by many KristSingto fans who, since they perceive him to be “the bottom” or “the wife,” seem to think this means he’s got to be docile and submissive and sweet, even when he’s pushed too far. To be honest, I had the realization recently that maybe the reason so many Peraya chose to ignore interfans calling Krist homophobic for so many years could be that they didn’t care either way. As one of the OG fandoms, it seems that their fans skew older and more conservative, so it could be as simple as that. They knew he wasn’t homophobic, everyone did, but real life queer issues didn’t matter to them, so they didn’t care that interfans were absolutely decimating his reputation among the queer community when it was OG Peraya stalking him and harassing him that made him post that story in the first place.

I mean, not to invalidate the high emotions going on over on Twitter dot com, but I can’t believe this upset over Singto’s character bottoming for Krist’s character wasn’t limited to a few silly temper tantrums from fringe fans with outdated beliefs about queer people.

Honestly, that there’s anger over this at all says plenty about how they must perceive the bottom role. Being on top is hot, but being on bottom is shameful? (What is this, Ancient Rome?)

I hope y’all know I try as much as I can to avoid making posts about fandom negativity and toxicity. I think emphasizing the positive aspects is more helpful in the long run. But many in KristSingto’s fandom continually treat both of them like products, and I am truly tired of it. Many whitewash Singto, many belittle Krist, and they need to fix their attitudes.

Personally, I consider myself part of all three of the KristSingto fandoms: Yuyu (Krist), Peraya (KristSingto), and Samoonjaopa (Singto). So when I criticize any of them, I’m not trying to burn the house down. I’m saying, “Stop playing with matches in the house.”

Many Peraya boycotted “Be My Favorite” which, like, whatever, watch what you like. But many among that many also openly complained about it while it was airing. Some went so far as to bully Gawin, using alt accounts to call him a halfbreed and a leech. When I called out this behavior, I was accused by multiple Peraya of trying to make the fandom look bad, that those alt accounts were clearly run by other fans trying to do the same. When the focus, as far as I’m concerned, should have been on protecting and supporting Gawin. There were very few Peraya who showed support for Krist’s friendship with Gawin continuing publicly, and their quiet likes and endorsements of tweets criticizing Krist did far more damage to their reputation than me standing up for Gawin ever did.

While I’m doing this, lemme just address the fandom ridiculousness that’s been going on across the board over the past year, shall I?

Some Samoonjaopa complained about Singto’s lack of solo work last year compared to Krist’s and went so far as to @ Krist to tell him that he wasn’t doing enough to keep Singto steadily employed. Which? Isn’t Krist’s job??? And ignores the possibility that Singto can get his own work, is a seasoned talent at GMMTV in his own right, and maybe just wanted to relax last year since the man is a dedicated introvert who’s openly and repeatedly said he’s prioritizing his mental health more these days? And again: there are many in Singto’s fandom who are continually, constantly whitewashing his photos. Stop whitewashing Singto. You’re his fanbase. The people who are supposed to love him most for who he is, not the fictional person you’re photoshopping him into for your aesthetic preferences. How do you think he’s felt for the past decade seeing not only the media whiten his skin but his own fans? Portray his melanin or stop posting photos of him at all. If you can’t see how beautiful he is tan, you don’t deserve to call yourself Samoonjaopa.

Meanwhile, some Yuyus have continually moaned about Singto’s return, complaining about Krist’s lack of music projects even though Krist himself said he’ll be focusing on that after “The Ex-Morning” airs. He’s already been hospitalized this year? Stop pressuring him to film a series, host, take care of his family, and work on an album? They’ve also accused Singto of coming back to GMMTV because he ran out of money, that his freelance career was bombing, etc. Calling him desperate and a leech. (People really like to accuse people close to Krist as a leech, what is that.) What’s worse is that some of them don’t even dislike Singto—they just want to piss off the Peraya. But hasn’t Krist made it devastatingly clear that he adores Singto? Was it not enough when he had to call out one of his own solo fans for trash-talking Singto last year when he was already getting backlash for his friendship with Gawin?

Fans in all three fandoms need to reevaluate why they’re even here.

This applies to all fans in all fandoms everywhere: if you spend most of your time in fandom fighting and policing people and spreading anger and toxicity rather than lifting up the real people you’re ostensibly here to support, then you’re doing this wrong.

Love brought you here. Act like it.

I left Twitter because the situation there was too toxic to stand, even to stay for KristSingto and BounPrem, and while I haven’t been there for months, I did predict that some Peraya would be upset about a possible dynamic switch. I just overestimated their maturity about it, clearly.

I probably should have said all of this while I was on Twitter, but people have to realize it on their own or it won’t stick.

So what I’m going to do instead is go on promoting KristSingto to fans who haven’t had the chance to get to know them yet, because I love Krist and I love Singto, and I think they deserve more fans, new fans who don’t treat them like property.

Obligatory final note that of course this isn’t the entire fandom behaving badly. If you’ll notice, I used qualifiers in this entire post. Some, many, etc. There are many lovely people in all three fandoms, but the ones ruining everything are loud and need to be addressed for things to improve. Ignoring them hasn’t helped so far. I say this because sometimes people get very upset and don’t utilize close reading skills.

All this over top/bottom dynamic switch.

Told y’all it was brave of KristSingto to do it.

Now to hope no one bothers KristSingto about it at the book fair tomorrow. 👁️👁️

[elvensorceress]

sentences on sunday tagged throughout the week by @eddiebabygirldiaz @wildlife4life @disasterbuckdiaz @wikiangela @hippolotamus @daffi-990 @theotherbuckley @monsterrae1 @kitteneddiediaz @spotsandsocks @giddyupbuck @bekkachaos @eddiescowboy @buddierights @wh0re-behavi0r I love you all and thank you and go read all of their lovely snippets! 💕 tagging (if you are so inclined) @spaceprincessem @hoodie-buck @the-likesofus @911onabc @heartshapedvows @astronaut-karenwilson 💕

More Unless finale 😘

He has to stop thinking of Buck as his husband. They’re not really that. Not yet? This is only their first date. Even if it is Buck and it’s different from any other first date. 

Still doesn’t mean Buck is ready to tie knots and buy rings and commit to forever. 

They haven’t committed to forever. Technically. Not exactly? It’s hard to say when they are so in love and it’s so newly confessed, but they are also attached to each other for life in so many other ways. Of course they’re committed to each other and to being together, and it could never be a testing the waters situation with them. They’re already all the way in. 

That leaves them… where? Partners, like always. But not exactly like before. More than before. Boyfriends for simplicity’s sake and because they haven’t even been on their date yet. But far more than boyfriends because they live together, they have a child together. And Eddie knows this is it for him. 

But what normal person would agree to marriage right off the bat? Not that Buck is particularly normal. He’s extraordinary. And Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever want to get married again. Not after how badly he fucked up the first time. What makes him think he’d be good enough, changed enough for a second try? 

What makes him think he won’t fuck this up somehow? He’s sure he has it in him to ruin one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. 

“Was she the first person you came out to?” Buck asks, glancing at him while driving. And also reaching over to offer his hand again for Eddie to take now that there’s no teenager in the car who will be judgmental and embarrassed over his dads holding hands. 

“I guess so. Wasn’t intentional. I was still working through everything.” But Buck had come to his rescue and taken over childcare while Eddie was fucked up and falling apart. He stayed for weeks, took time off work, looked out for him, slept next to him, cooked for all three of them, and helped clean and patch up the broken destruction of Eddie’s whole life. 

And it was really hard not to imagine what it would be like to have Buck as his husband. 

With someone else, anyone else, it probably would have freaked Eddie out. But he already wanted Buck for the rest of his life. Imagining that their whole lives could be exactly like those few weeks, even with as awful as they were inside Eddie’s own head, it was comforting. It relieved so much stress and turmoil. He loves having Buck around. And Chris does, too. Chris attached himself to Buck any moment he could, and Eddie wished he could do the same. He wanted Buck to be his husband. He wanted him with them forever. 

Not that it was Eddie’s queer revelation. It wasn’t. There had been thoughts percolating in his head for a very long time. It wasn’t even the first inkling of how he truly felt about and wanted Buck. But it was a vivid dream come true, suddenly brought to life that Eddie couldn’t ignore any longer. 

And then he had all those conversations with May about figuring out who you want to be and reconciling what you had wanted for yourself with how your life turned out, and how to finally be your real, true, honest self so that you could have a life that was as happy as possible. A life that feels like it fits who you are when you’re not lost and hiding. 

Eddie still had to keep it under wraps and push it to the side for much longer than he would have preferred. But living the life he wanted, feeling it, almost but not quite having it made everything far more real. He could see it, he could almost touch it. Buck is a perfect partner and parent, as perfect as anyone can be, more than perfect for Eddie and Chris.

In fact, every day Chris gushed to him about how he loved having Buck around all the time for homework and pancake making and video game tournaments and movie watching.

And Eddie remembered waking up unable to breathe until Buck put a hand on his chest. He remembered silent tears that would just pour out of him nonstop and nothing he did or tried to tell himself could make them stop. But Buck would brush them away. Buck would even hold him, though it was nowhere near close enough. There would still be his arms around Eddie. That more than anything made the tears let up. 

Even though it was one of the lowest points of Eddie’s life and the mere idea of being alive was not compatible with what he actually wanted or even thought he deserved, having Buck there still made him feel like he could survive in spite of everything.

[dearweirdme]

Heeyy!

Squatting your asks and straying away from the usual topics of these days' discussions cause I've been deep into SKZ content lately and I want opinions about something (please bear with me, this is going to be long but this ask is about taekook).

It came out like two days ago that Minsung (Han and Lee Know) are now living together, just the two of them. The rest of the members are also divided in teams of two in new dorms, so, in itself, it may not seem huge, but it is, because it's Minsung and if those two are not real then nobody is.

And how do I know that? Because honestly they've said so themselves. And so did their members. From calling the other their boyfriend/husband (or call themselves the other's bf/hubby) and releasing a very romantic duet together where the lyrics are a declaration of love, to their maknae justifying himself for sharing a room with them with "there was a time I really couldn't read the room" and the rest of group (especially Hyunjin) always mocking those two sappy asses.

Could it be all just fanservice? Nah, not all of it, no way. And frankly, all the power to them, I'm so happy for my obviously very very gay and very very in love boys, they just became the embodiment of "and they were roommates", but it got me thinking.

Because Minsung gets away with a lot. I've listed a few examples, there are honestly way more that I can't be bothered to cite right now, where their behaviour or what they say, taken at face value, in official content, is at best questionable or just outwright outing. And yet, nothing. JYPE doesn't really push or highlight them (which undermines the fanservice theory, in that sense they're not really a traditional kpop ship like jikook or woosan can be), but they don't shy away from them either. They just seem to... let them be. Counting on the fact maybe that it will not be picked up on at a worrying level.

In a way, they operate how Kpop companies have always operated on the matter. That is, not acknowledge a thing and count on people's willfull blindness and heteronormativity to explay away or diminish suspicious moments and set the general narrative. Throw in fanservice and "queerbaiting" to mess with people (hi Super Junior) and you obtain an industry where you can somewhat be open while always existing within the confines of plausible deniability (of course this is way more complex that this but let's summarize and, in the end, I truly think people underestimate how actually queer Kpop is).

Circling back to Minsung, that's also how you get people insisting to hell and back that those two are just friends while the only thing basically they haven't done to confirm their relationship is make out on a live.

But then, and I'm finally getting to the point of my ask (sorry for the time it took)... WTF happened with taekook?

I can't for the life of me understand BH's strategy on this. To not push their ship publicly once it got evident in private that they had a situationship, sure, makes sense. But why go to these lengths to separate them, to the point that people noticed it??

I honestly believe there was some kind of streisand effect with taekook, where a lot of people's tipping point for believing in them was precisely the fact that BH did their best to keep them apart, even resorting to frankly questionable methods (hi Burn the Stage editing).

Had they just let them live and be, would there have been as many taekookers as there are? Would Tae and Kookie's interactions have been so thoroughly analyzed instead of being considered the expression of a good friendship with some fanservice thrown in there?

Why not go the usual kpop route? Minsung are but the last names on a long list of queer idols and kpop labels fine with them existing under the radar. Why not imitate them? Why adopt a strategy that in a lot of ways backfired? It baffles me.

So yeah, if you have thoughts on this, please share. Others too. And sorry for this long ass convoluted ask, this whole thing has been going on in my mind for the few past days.

Hi @syneepsis !

I had to think on this a bit, because I know very little about Straykids and Minsung. You are kinda asking me to compare, but lack of knowledge prevents me from doing so. But, ofcourse I do have some thoughts and ramblings.

I’m a big believer in things standing on their own. Taekook and Minsung are from different bands, with different people in charge, in slightly different timelines. Straykids debuted after BTS, which might’ve been a factor (people tend to learn from what they see). Tae and Jk’s characters probably differ from Han and Lee know, which might also make a difference. All in all… so many different variables, which combined or on their own might explain why things seem different.

As for why I feel BH went as hard as they did. I think they are driven by money and power. Which is not abnormal for a music company. It doesn’t even matter much what their actual bond with BangPd is/was, I think in any case the fear of a possible scandal standing in the way of BTS’s success was reason enough for the company to set these boundaries for them.

Imo Tae and Jk’s relationship started when they were finally getting bigger. They had a hard start, being with a company who almost went bankrupt. It’s my understanding that people were already looking down on BTS because they were with a small company, a queer scandal might’ve actually ended their careers (or at least that’s what the company thought). I think when their relationship became known, the company felt that was a risk to undo what they had invested in. It’s very possible imo that feelings of resentment were also present.. but that’s going very deep into speculation and I believe the fear of a possible scandal would have already been enough to make them be harsh.

I do think they went extra hard and could have possibly toned it down. The way it appeared to us might’ve also been a combination of both the company’s rules and Tae and Jk’s own fears of discovery though. When you feel the eyes of a huge public on you and you actually see fandom discuss the way you stare at each other.. that might make you scared.

“Had they just let them live and be, would there have been as many Taekookers as there are?” I think there would have been way less Jkkrs for sure 😂. It’s hard to say, without coming out (which I think is a definite no in today’s Sk society) i think some kind of hiding would still have taken place. Tae and Jk are very physically close, the way they move around each other, the way they drift to each other.. it’s pretty hard not to see. We’ve been talking about how obviously Tae has singled Jk out.. imagine there being no limits.. it would become super obvious to many many people I think. Even now, we’re at a point where non-tkkrs kinda scramble to make sense of the Hawaii post without calling it fanservice. Imagine Jk not holding back and him talking like ‘I went skydiving with Tae’ instead of ‘i went skydiving’.

There will always be a huge part of army who will always go ‘they’re straight’ and maybe that would have been enough cover.. I don’t know. But I think in the eyes of the company, that was a risk they did not want to take.

[minecraft-steve]

the tattoos above are what prompted it, but the two below come up later!

i remember once upon a time, i was a teenager who overshared on here in moments of stress, but i don't think i have ever, truly opened up. i want to right now. i don't mind if this is reblogged or whatever, i just feel like chatting. and sitting on my closet floor to get good lighting for pictures.

tw for an honest talk about mental health. i won't go into more details than necessary and nothing extreme is required to tell this story, but i will brush upon serious topics that are common with depression such as suicidal ideation and self harm. i will try to keep the tone light though.

rent is a very special show that has shaped my life uniquely. i remember the first time i saw it was the movie on a streaming service, i must have been about 14 or 15. i had never seen anything, or anyone, like i saw in rent. for a little bit, it was just a really cool thing i obsessed over in the way a neurodivergent teenager will obsess over things. it was fun, i liked it, that was it. it was my favorite, but just because i liked rock and musicals. by 2016 i had started to come out as trans, and it wasn't going well. while i had some support, i was getting some real shit at school. i mean full blown mother of two teacher who prided herself on acceptance of queer students yelling at me on stage in front of the whole cast of the musical because i wanted a male ensemble costume instead of a female one kind of shit. i was over it. i had been having a miserable year because of some very recent, very horrific trauma i will not be getting into here, and i decided I Had Enough. after that moment on the stage, i decided that night when i got home i was going to end it. i was going to the dressing rooms to change when i saw a poster for auditions with a theatre company i had never heard of and no longer exists. they were doing rent, and it happened to be over the summer just a couple of months out. by the time i got home i decided i had to at least do the show, and then i could go. i figured i might as well go out having fun, and oh wow, i had so much fun. i instantly hit it off with several of my soon to be cast mates at rehearsal, something that had never happened to me because i was a very reserved, quiet kid. rehearsals were the highlight of my day and i cherished every moment. the comfort and ease i felt with the cast pushed me to feel comfortable with fully coming out. for one summer, we were a family. it turned out the directors, who had never directed, forgot to get the rights to the show. we never did have the show, but we had a workshop where we performed bits of it to a word of mouth audience. i don't think we even charged anything, but i don't remember. what i do remember is countless hours with incredible people i got to hang out with that bled into the following years until i moved away. rent continued to follow me after the show, before and after the move. my first tattoo, the semicolon, i got with two of my former cast mates to celebrate me living to 18 as well as acknowledge my relationship with suicide from the people around me. that meaning has only grown for me with age, unfortunately. later on, i got to see the beginning of the 20th anniversary tour with my dad, someone who hates musicals and hates driving to la but did both just for me. that's always going to be a special memory. i love him so much. i got to see the end of the tour with someone else who is practically my little brother, who is so special and so dear to me (and very likely reading this!! i love you!!) that memory is close to my heart too because after spending our childhoods growing up several states and one time zone apart, we had that time together. i also got my second tattoo matching with him during that trip. it's of our home state flowers interlocking, that coincidentally are both of my grandmother's favorite flowers. my third tattoo is a massive rabbit skull with meaningful plants growing up in and around it to form the ears that has so many layers of meaning and growth in itself, all covering up old self harm scars. a dear friend i met during some of the worst times of my life drew it for me. i would have never grown enough for the third tattoo if i hadn't gotten so attached to rent because the depth of the meaning behind "no day but today" has been why i found my way out of the pull between hiding in the past and escaping into the future. after going through a horrible ending to 2024, i knew what my next tattoo would be on jan. 1, 2025 when i needed something to change for the better, and now i have it. i don't know what the future holds, but i know right now i have people i love to keep close to my heart.

there's only us, / there's only now,

there's only this, / there's only here,

forget regret, / give into love,

or life is yours to miss / or live in fear

no other road / no other path

no other way, no day but today

[amazinglyegg]

Give us the headcanons plsssss

Ask and you shall receive! I wasn't actually expecting anyone to be interested in this so I'm hyped!!

Transfem! Danse Headcanons

I personally think that queerness in general is very normalized in the wasteland

Like, it's 2277. The Brotherhood doesn't give a shit what your gender is. Scribe Haylen would probably do your top surgery on the ground in the police station if you asked politely

What I'm trying to say is if Danse's egg cracks while he's in the Brotherhood "Not wanting to transition to prevent transphobia/sexism/general issues in the workplace" wouldn't be a reason to stay in the closet

It's more of the fact that Danse has created this little niche for himself, that he has so little identity outside of the Brotherhood that he feels the need to hold onto every scrap he has, even if that scrap is, well, "male".

My original idea for the drawing I made was Danse losing a bet/game/etc during his more ~wild~ Knight days and Cutler (plus some other knights) made him wear a skirt/dress/etc as "punishment"

And Danse is embarrassed and whatever, he's being laughed at, and then he goes back to his quarters to change and for the first time actually gets a glance at himself in the mirror and woah

It's more than a bit awkward - the clothes are ratted and don't fit properly, he's probably wearing his flight suit underneath, but there's a flutter in his chest that's more than just the lingering embarrassment of the lost bet

Egg successfully cracked. Now to just push down and hide those feelings about as much as he hid that dress in the back of his closet

I also wouldn't be surprised if he went through an "aw fuck I have a crossdressing kink" phase before he truly realizes he's trans

Partially because A. He's a bit repressed, both sexually and in general, and probably connects dresses and bras and general prettiness to "sexuality" rather than "womanhood", and B. It's common for your sex drive to increase once you start feeling gender euphoria

And he's completely oblivious about it all, too. He talks to trans people and watches his teammates transition and he goes "hmm good for them. I can't ever imagine what that'd be like!" And then prompty locks himself in his room, puts on a dress he "borrowed" from the lost and found, jacks off, and cries for 45 minutes.

It probably doesn't click for him until someone looks him in the eyes and says "hey man, you know you can just... be a girl, right? Like, 24/7 for the rest of your life?" And Danse is like oh my fucking god. Holy shit.

And let's be honest, with how Danse doesn't open up very much, that person would probably be Sole, and it'd probably be post-bb

Dealing with a gender identity crisis ON TOP of a synth identity crisis might be a bit much for him though so... let him take it slow

I would love to see Danse mess with his pronouns a bit - maybe she/they or she/he?

I can imagine him still having a strong attachment to his manhood, due to it being one of the only aspects of himself that really exists and isn't either ripped away from him (like the Brotherhood and Cutler) or a fake memory

So he'll go for demigender or bigender or SOMETHING not binary trans that includes both his current womanhood and his past manhood that he still connects to

The TRANS part of "transfem" is super important to him

Totally not me projecting with my own experiences as transmasc

ALSO I like to imagine he gets gender envy from the WEIRDEST things

Like Sole sneaks this shirt into his laundry:

And he is. Entranced.

Stares at himself in the mirror for the next like ten minutes straight

Haylen knocks on the door like "Hey Danse? buddy? You good in there...?"

And Danse is softly weeping like "I want them to be real... 🥺"

OKAY I'M DONE FOR NOW. I hope you enjoyed transfem Danse rambles. If you read this far congrats here's some pride edits for your commitment:

[becoming-less-than]

I’ve recently left my DMs open to see what sort of people I encounter as I continue to look for someone to sub for and play with here online. This has given me a chance to see who reaches out unprompted. They come in a couple of varieties some of them I greatly enjoy, some of them are fine or even promising, but many are disappointing or downright dangerous.

To that last category I will say this if you reach out to a woman, even one running a kink blog, on the internet being overtly sexual and sexually aggressive with out so much as a how are you and could we chat for a bit. You don’t belong in kink, you don’t understand consent, you don’t understand boundaries, and you likely aren’t any kind of ally, safe person, or good guy for women to be around, let alone sub women. I have some pretty out there kinks built on safely exploring things in my play that are 100% not things I stand by or for; let alone tolerate in real life. If you’re not ardently a feminist, anti-fascist, anti-racist, queer ally and well therapized individual  you shouldn’t be involved in kink period. Let alone kinks like mind control, hypnosis, misogyny play, sexuality/orientation play, bimbofication and a patriarchy play.

To be a Dominant isn’t something you are owed. It’s not something you take. It’s not your right. It’s a fucking privilege. It’s a gift. And a show of trust. But most of all it is a responsibility and solemn duty. A Dominant is responsible for the physical, mental and emotional well being of their subs both in and out of scenes and play as defined by your dynamic with your sub. Many of you don’t understand the hierarchy of kink needs and it shows. So for the record:

1. sub’s needs

2. Dom’s needs

3. Dom’s wants

4. sub’s wants

All of which is then moderated through and checked against the things the sub has agreed and enthusiastically consented are on the table to be discussed, explored, and engaged in during the negotiation phase of creating a kink relationship. And if you think that seems excessive for casual online encounters, you are wrong and not ready to be a Dom. If you’re going to play with someone in anything more that passing there should be non-kinky get to know you discussions this allows both subs and Doms to evaluate the character, values, nature, personality, disposition and ideological perspectives of each other to assess fit. Then you can talk kinks to assess fit make sure similar things get you both off and that you understand them in ways that are compatible. Then comes negotiation where discussion of limits, boundaries, and hard no’s exist so as to define the magic circle in which play can take place. This is the part where folks screw up a lot, many younger, less experienced, or online only Doms think as long as it’s not a limit, a boundary, or a no then it’s fair game. In the beginning that is never the case. In fact I would go so far as to say that until you’ve really established a firm well tested and well refined relationship with a sub it’s decidedly not the case and straying from their enthusiastic yeses, as the sub understands and has defined them, is often unethical and dubious. This is because you’re, as the Dominant, supposed to be the responsible party and until you really know your sub, until they really know and trust you, and you’ve unimpeachably proven that that trust isn’t misplaced, pushing into spaces that didn’t have enthusiastic consent can often verge on coercion. The power imbalance of a D/s relationship, and the often charged sexual nature of this kind of play often inherently precludes the ability of a sub to meaningfully consider and truly consent to a new experience without pre-negotiating it before play starts. So although a Doms wants do technically supersede a sub’s wants in the above hierarchy you must understand that they do so only within the bounds of the circle that was pre-negotiated by both the sub and Dom. So many of the would-be Doms who’ve reached out to me over the last 10 days or so have so utterly failed to show themselves to be even knowledgeable of these concepts let alone that they practice them and that’s dangerous.

I remind folks once more I am a switch not a sub. I worked as a Domme for a living for the better part of a decade. I was formally trained on how to do it safely for over two years with my Teacher and Mistress. I want to see kink to continue to grow and to become less arcane, esoteric, and marginalized. However, for that to happen safely and in a way that doesn’t foster abuse, exploitation,and trafficking or foster genuinely prejudiced or harmful ideologies those of us with the knowledge, experience and expertise to speak out must. I’m not trying to be the fun police but kink is not something to be taken lightly and many of you on both sides of the dynamic haven’t really done the work to understand this as anything other than the worst sort of pornographic nonsense and that’s dangerous.

[rootspiral]

WANDAVISION DEEP DIVE part 2

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2][3][4][5] ep6 [1][2][3] ep7 [1][2][3][4][5][6] ep8 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9] ep9 [1][2][3][4][5][6])

In which I continue looking through Agatha scenes in Wandavision, I want to get to AAA nowwwwww but I can't stop taking screenshots. I forgot how good this show is

We are on episode 6 and it's naughty couture time! (so much for less screenshotting)

Oh wow, these three together, very cute and not painful in any way! Also not foreshadowing or anything.

I'm not clear on this point, did Ralph have ANY free will or was Agatha just puppeteering him at all times? Because he totally sounds like Agatha doing a half-assed Quicksilver impression. You want to know about Wanda's trauma, don't you Fietro???

Bit much there, buddy. That's right. Too much ham. Off you go.

yep, that's Agatha's manipulative ass alright. and she almost got away with it too.

Episode 7, where Agatha can't wait to get her paws on those little boys and do horrible villainous things to them (like making them snacks and watch cartoons. And some light trauma)

That's why Billy's her favorite, he's such a mama's boy.

the exact faces the three of them will make when auntie Agatha tries to ghost-mom the twins

babies are delicious

why is she being such an ASSHOLE TO WANDA OH MY GOD. psychological torture for days and days and days

IMMEDIATELY tries to bond with Billy. she's also prodding for his powers but there's genuine kindness there too

Billy genuinely likes Agatha though, that's the thing. despite everything, even in the future he instinctively trusts her and seeks her out. in a way they kind of adopt each other

why does her voice get so tender goddamnit Hahn. you know Agatha is thinking about Nicky and having so many feels

this whole dynamic really hits differently now, doesn't it?

her body language with Monica is so threatening, she's containing herself but you can see she wants to KILL

At this point Monica and SWORD are approaching and there's not much time left, so Agatha takes another big risk and openly approaches Wanda - or actually, not *much* more openly. She goes from over-the-top neighbor to over-the-top witch, the same trick she always uses, except she never went against someone as scary powerful as Wanda. She is truly gambling here, and you can tell by how rigid her body language is. She's projecting strength more than feeling it, and I think she's using señor Scratchy both as a prop for her villain persona (hilarious. that's a cuddly bunny, you idiot!) and also as moral strength, she's holding him like a shield.

^^Agatha when she's purposely being a clown and fucking with people

^^the real Agatha, razor-focused, serious, and, more often than not, cruel.

Episode 8. We now know that Evanora hates Agatha because she was born with succubus powers - born different, born evil, queer analogies abound. Jac Schaeffer says that Agatha has never been loved by her mother or really by anyone before she met Rio, so let's just sit on that.

Here we have a very young Agatha, still a teenager, already up to mischief. Interesting that Evanora does not mention her killing anyone quite yet, Agatha's crimes are about seeking knowledge, something she'll keep doing all her life. She's already a self-fulfilled prophecy, she's being bad and going against her coven because her coven calls her bad and pushes her away. This is supposedly her family, her sisters, her community. She committed a bloodless crime, and they're about to execute her for it.

She denies, Evanora calls her out. Agatha is already refining her greatest skill: deception.

Can she control it? Did they ever try to teach her? And why is she talking about her powers now? She is not being executed for stealing at all, is she? And she knows it. (Also I LOVE that when Agatha is at her lowest she resorts to beg. Her survival instincts are stronger than anything, even her pride, she is self-centered to her very core. That's the only way she could ever survive.)

Evanora starts chanting "mors monstrum innaturale", death to the unnatural monster. And, I'm sorry, that's incredibly fucked up. It gets more fucked up the more I think about it.

"Watch this, Lisa. You can actually pinpoint the second when her heart rips in half."

The coven in an excess of prudence must have decided to kill Agatha in a joint effort, just in case her powers are too much for one witch or two. They thought they would destroy the so called evil with their moral superiority, they actually had no idea of what Agatha was capable of, and by her shocked expression, neither did she - she was never allowed to explore her abilities, not to such an extent anyway.

That's the same expression again, completely focused and merciless. I know I'm repeating myself but the real Agatha is anything but bombastic. Her emotions are subtle but formidable.

When I first watched this scene 3 years ago I came to the conclusion that Agatha was conning the Salemites in order to kill them. She was absolutely not. She is shell-shocked at what happened.

Hahn is very deliberately making understated choices here. No evil cackling, no gloating, just contempt and bitterness.

And I'm running out of space again but it was worth it, this scene was so interesting to analyze. Hopefully part 3 will be the last one for Wandavision

go to part 3

[deramin2]

Like, on the one hand it's very funny that both these series have basically the same ending (and opportunity for a new beginning), but I cannot stress enough for you how classic this trope is. I briefly considered listing off queer shows and movies with this trope, but it swiftly became me trying to remember every queer movie I've ever seen. Even "Big Eden" (2000) uses it and that is the most fluffy classic queer movie on existence.

In Big Eden, it helps the protagonist realize that the old crush he's been pursuing it's clouding his vision from noticing the guy who has a crush on him and is giving him increasingly elaborate home cooked meals for his sick dad every day backed by his gaggle of supportive old straight men who gossip all day on the general store bench. (Seriously you should watch this movie.)

Recently, Fire Island (2022), Bros (2022), Spoiler Alert (2022), Rūrangi (2020 - present) and The Boys In The Band (2020) all used breakups with the person they eventually get together with.

Queer media is all about exploring cycles and this is such a great way to get characters to reexamine what's important to them and what they truly want long term plus set real stakes for the relationship working out and no guarantees. It forces the characters to confront the old cycles they're trapped in and really ask if they want to put in the work and stand down their defenses to try something new that terrifies them.

There's comfort in the familiarity of the same old bullshit. You know what to expect, even if what you expect it's pain and lack of fulfillment. It's scary to try something totally new where you don't know what to expect. Where you might have to forgive someone and love them despite their flaws. Even love them for those flaws. Share each other's annoying vices even. The weed in Spoiler Alert ends up reflecting such a huge part of their arc and how they changed each other once they stopped being scared and lived for whatever moments were left.

So now here you have 2 shows about older queer men (sort of foot Aziraphale) who have been unable to hide their queerness their entire lives, but also have invested themselves as being good boys within those systems that reject queerness. And they're not kids working through this in their coming of age. They've spent half their lives denying themselves. Like, sure it hurts every day and it's slowly killing them and making them miserable bastards who push away the people that really love them, but they've also got a sunk cost fallacy in this. If they admit they've been wrong and there's no place in this system for their real selves, then they have to admit they've been wrong this whole time and all that pain was for nothing. Everything they put moral value all this time might be wrong and they'd have to trust their own flawed judgement instead of trusting a higher authority. (In Stede's case the rules of decorum for landed gentry inn colonial society, in Aziraphale's his faith in god.)

So they're on the edge of really making this monumental leap and they just panic. This moment means totally renouncing the life they've hurt themselves to make.

Stede goes home and realizes his mistake and gets not just permission but encouragement from the woman he felt he'd wronged the most. Then sets out to try and fix the mess he's made and get a second chance. I suspect he'll get it, but not before a lot of dramatics.

Aziraphale tries to give up heaven when he thinks he can only have it or Crowley. But when he's promised he can have both, have that acceptance he so desperately craves from Heaven and have Crowley, he jumps at that. Crowley did not. Season 3 or however the next part is released is going to be about Aziraphale trying to tempt Crowley too go back to heaven and Crowley trying to tempt Aziraphale to put it all behind him and be free.

Ultimately I think Aziraphale will get burned and realize Crowley is right. They can be like Beelzebub and Gabriel. This doesn't have to be black and white. It might be a little lonelier, but it's also much less toxic and oppressive and they have each other. That's worth fighting for.

But first, we get the classic queer breakup.

Neil Gaiman really saw the ending to our flag means death and went “hold my beer”

[melto]

i think it is truly unfair to villainize thua. there is a very big difference between the issue of thua continuing the curse and ayan protecting akk but it does fundamentally come from the same place for both of them.

ayan has portrayed himself as a rebel who is willing and ready to fight against the systems of oppression, to only then protect the person who has been behind the curse targeting the rebelling students. thua was just someone who was remaining neutral because it was the easiest option for himself, to then be ready to risk it all to side with his community. ayan stirred things up, supported the world remembers from the sidelines and challenged teachers and students alike. he was such a major push for thua to get over himself and join in the protests. and then it turns out he knows that akk had been behind the curse (even if there was someone then behind him) and chose to protect him rather than stand his ground with his community, the people who have been suffering the most from the curse. it's a devastating shattering of ayan's image for thua. for him it proves that ayan is much more invested in his own self interest than the cause. and it's not like ayan is a bad person for wanting to protect the person he's in love with or to be focused on what he came to that school to achieve but it is a betrayal of sorts. to step back once things get harder and more real and ask for sacrifices.

despite homophobia being such a major player within suppalo, akk and ayan have not been direct victims of it in the way the others have. the world remembers have gone through so much heartbreak. they lost so much for being themselves. the rules, students, staff, and outside world punish them for their queerness that they could not hide before and are now choosing to proudly announce despite all the constant backlash they get. thua has been a constant victim of verbal and physical homophobia despite following the norms and keeping his distance from his community. these are things we see happen. akk and ayan had not been experiencing those things, and now ayan has decided to pull back from the protesting. it's us vs them, and suddenly thua realizes that he's not on the same side as ayan in the way he thought he was. there is a very real issue of lgbt people who are able to navigate life as "normal" dont stand with more vulnerable members of their community (this could be for many reasons and this post is not to judge them or speak on that nuance).

whether or not thua's choice to continue the curse is "right" does not erase his good intention. he's a teen full of shame and rage doing what he feels has to be done to move them forward. he's not physically hurting anyone, he really set out to just make some noise so they could get the ball rolling again. he is not trying to be a martyr with this and understands the consequences and is willing to take that risk. thua has been so silent about the injustice and he doesn't want to make the same mistake again or have his community suffer any longer. he and ayan are similar in that way, but they go about it differently because their motivations are not the same nor are their stakes.

ayan came in to cause some trouble and get answers about his uncle's death. and then fell in love and refuses to lose another person he cares deeply about because of suppalo. thua wanted to follow a path that caused him as few issues as possible. and while ayan's arrival was the initial intrusion to the stasis of thua's life, he was still ultimately radicalized by his own treatment and the treatment of members of his community.

it's not fair to deny either of them the nuance and merit they deserve.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

BTS can finally come out now that being gay is legal in SK. Actually they better do. I won’t stop telling that on Twitter until they see it. Enough w the drama and gay baiting for years now. ALL 7 of them.

Out of all the asks we've received over the years, this one truly takes the crown as the most disgusting and entitled one. Are you out of your mind? No, like, I mean that seriously, because not only did you completely misunderstand what happened but you are also trying to force people who owe you nothing except for new music eventually, at their own pace, into outing themselves for no reason other than because you want them to. Do you see how entirely fucked that is? Like pardon my language but I'm so pissed off, especially after the news about Namjoon earlier today, that I really don't feel like being polite at all.

South Korea did not legalise same-sex marriage, they didn't pass a law to recognise same-sex couples the way they do with straight couples. What they did was grant a same-sex couple equal rights to healthcare as those given to straight couples, which in the context of the LGBT community and South Korea is a major step that hopefully one day will lead to a better future for the queer community over there. You can read a more detailed articles about it here.

It is entirely fucked to think that the hard work of queer activists who are risking their lives to fight for a better future for their fellow queers has anything to do with idols, and the fact that your first thought is how BTS have to do this or that because of it merely shows how disconnected you are from reality. Regardless of the law, BTS could come out if they wanted to, if they saw a reason or need to, but they did not and chances are they will not. And you know why? Because of entitled people like you. And because they are humans just like us who deserve their privacy and live their lives in peace without the whole world looking down upon them like they're specimens being studied or animals in a zoo.

Even if all seven were truly queer, there is no law or reason why any of them would have to or should come out. It's an extremely personal matter and one that has nothing to do with their occupation, being idols and musicians. What does their sexuality have to do with their music? Nothing.

As for drama, you know who causes that? Toxic and delulu shippers, most of whom are straight themselves, fighting about things they've mostly made up in their heads themselves and convinced each other of it. Sure, maybe this is a case of pot calling cattle black, but I've never claimed to know anything for certain and I would never, ever, think I have any right to know the truth, let alone feel entitled to it or want to fight people over it. But there are people who feel entitled to outing their ship, to forcing them into admitting something that likely isn't true, and are willing to wage war against anyone who disagrees and even throw members of their ship under the bus if they act differently than what shippers want. Those people are the problem. But those people have nothing to do with the reality of queer people. If anything those are the people that show the queer community that we are nothing but a gimmick to them, a toy to play with and punish if we don't act right. And things will never change if people continue acting that way.

What Korea did is a great thing, a beginning especially during the time of an administration that is completely disconnected from reality and pushing agendas that are truly baffling at the best of times, so instead of trying to weaponise the results of brave queer activist in a country hellbent on shunning them, sit you ass down, shut up, and stop conflating real life issues and happenings with fantasies of delulu shippers and lives of people we have no right to.

[eclaireparlalune]

You've laid it out beautifully and perfectly!

I'd also like to add a more of a real life perspective. Something that a lot of people, myself included, have spoken about before, which is the cultural impact of these characters discovering and exploring their sexual/romantic identities in their 30s, coupled with a queer slow burn storyline.

I never really identified strongly with much of the romance presented in media, be it tv or literature. Which is not to say that there are no exceptions, but here I mean your average romance story:

boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they meet, feel an attraction and begin a relationship. They fall madly in love over a very brief period of time and with a very lackluster (for me at least) build up.

When it comes to queer romances, the issue is similar. If there are two queer characters on the show, there's almost a certainty that they will end up together.

In both cases, it's not really about building a relationship. It's about putting two characters together because they make 'narrative sense'/are attractive and attracted to each other.

What is often missing is something which has been stated by the show itself: you don't find it son, you make it.

But even with that in mind, it's possible to find some heterosexual slow burn romances out there. With queer characters? Nothing really comes to my mind. And it's no surprise, I don't think it was ever that feasible to play a long 'Will They, Won't They' game with queer couples. It's important to realize how new and fresh queerness still is. How long we went with no rights and a threat hanging over our heads for the simple fact of exsiting in this world.

Which is why queer characters have to be made transparent. Why so many people push back when a character who has been introduced as straight is 'made' queer after some time. Even though it's completely normal, because this is what queerness actually is in real life. It's complicated. It's nuanced. It's impossible to put inside the confines of a tight box. Labels are needed in some aspects, but can be quite restrictive in others. You can see it when other queer people become hostile to other queer people who don't fit into those confines.

For example, I don't like labeling my sexuality, because it's hard to put in a box, and even though I'm only (or already) 25 years old, I'm still figuring myself out. Seeing a character like Evan Buckley discovering his bisexuality in his 30s is joyful and liberating. It makes me feel more seen, but, more importantly, more comfortable with not fitting in just yet. His story, inspired by the lives of many other queer people, tells me that there is always more time to find yourself. Seeing Eddie struggling with relationships because of trauma and his own inability to, possibly, explore some queer side of his, hits even closer to home for me.

And, listen, no matter what they do with Eddie, if they'll even go down that road, the fact is, I find his character and story deeply compelling in part because of it. It would be elating if they made the choice to reveal he is queer: if he was gay/bi/demi or if, just maybe, he simply remained unlabled and yet still 'queer'/not straight. Because not all of us are comfortable with having to choose a word to define concepts too profound or too complicated to explain.

So, given all of those factors, if the show decided to bring Buck and Eddie together romantically? It would be truly monumental. Because people are still to prejudiced towards queer people, too comfortable in their bigotry. Because it's okay to have LGBT+ characters, so long as people are aware that they are, in fact, LGBT+ characters/storylines/couples/plots. There is still too big of a divide between Us and Them, and I think blurring the lines and showing people that 'straight' characters may not be entirly 'straight', that they can grow and change, is actually incredibly beneficial.

okay this may be what we call fanning the flames but genuine question, what would be the payoff if buddie were to go canon? like why would it be exciting? (I'd like actual opinions bc I'm curious)

[imnotoverlyobsessive]

waiting for you hypocrites to say how you want to be eaten by timmy.

How dare you

I don’t want to be eaten by Timothée

I want him to fuck me directly after eating someone else while he’s still covered in blood

Oh! You’re talking about Armie, huh? I’m actually really glad you sent me this, then, firstly because I love anon hate, I think it’s hilarious, and second because it gives me an opportunity to tell you my feelings on this topic. So, lemme explain something to ya, anon. And no hate, btw, but yeah truthfully I don’t mind Charmie shippers, necessarily. Like, if reading and writing those fics makes you guys happy, then you should keep doing it, y’know. Seriously, have at it. However, I have four main concerns

Firstly, the charmie community has made people who accuse Armie of SA/abuse feel unsafe. There has been stalking and harassment. I don’t care what someone has done, that’s never okay. It’s not okay to do it to Armie, either, and I don’t even like the guy. It’s not okay to do it to anyone for any reason ever. Except the members of the Supreme Court who fucked us over a couple months back, I hope they get beaten to death with a brick. But I digress.

Second, thinking a RPF ship is real is very harmful when you’re assigning someone a sexuality. Tim has been clear that he isn’t into dudes. So either you guys are wrong and you’re assigning him a sexuality and outing him (which, if you’re doing that by thinking it’s real, as a queer woman who came out later in life, fuck you extra hard and not in a fun way), and neither of those things are okay. Not at all. If you guys are right and Tim is gay and he’s in a secret relationship with Armie and has been since 2017 (or whenever, y’know), it’s still not okay. And I don’t mean writing fanfiction about them isn’t okay, that’s fine. What’s not okay is thinking it’s real. There are real life instances of a fandom shipping two people and then repeatedly saying, “no, we’re not gay, we’re just friends and that’s it” and the fandom not believing them and then them coming out as being gay and together years and years later, and it makes people uncomfortable. I’m talking about Dan and Phil here, btw. But yeah, it makes people uncomfortable, so regardless of whether you’re wrong or you’re right, thinking it’s real isn’t okay.

Third, even if the allegations are not true (which… I doubt that none of them are true; something is very likely true, imo. It takes a lot of guts to come forward like that and I don’t think these women would do it for clout. Look at the hate they’re getting ffs. I don’t know if the claim of SA is true, of course, since it’s still ongoing, but do I think some of those DMs are real? Absolutely), Armie doesn’t seem to respect women very much. Like… at all. And no, I’m not kinkshaming, of course not; I’m so submissive Tim could chain me to a radiator and I’d thank him for it, okay, and I’m not gonna bash anybody’s kinks. The issue is that apparently Armie has been pushing his kinks onto women who don’t want it, and I suspect that has to do with his issues with drugs and alcohol, and I truly hope he gets better. Really, I do. If the allegations are true, he took advantage of their inexperience in the kink world, and that is not okay. Kinks are great. I love kinks. I’m into some of the stuff Armie was talking about (not actual flesh eating part, more like I want to be used lol), but here’s the problem: the women he was involved with are not, and he pressured them into it anyway. This is not okay. Kinkshaming isn’t okay, but neither is pressuring someone who isn’t into something to do it anyway. That’s not acceptable, and I hope he learns from this experience and never ever does it again.

Fourth, fiction and real life are separate. Yeah, fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum, absolutely, but people who consume kinky fics are doing so willingly, generally speaking. They know what they’re getting into. The key here is consent. I won’t name writers because I don’t wanna put them on blast, but writing about a toxic and possessive Tim isn’t the same as him being like that in real life, nor is writing about him, say, being a fae that coerces someone into fucking him. Those things are not real. Those things are fictional. We know they’re fictional. The allegations are real (note: I’m not saying they are true, merely that they were actually made because we are supposedly not living in a simulation, I’ll notify you if my opinion on that changes lmao), these kinks are really being acted out, and there are rules for engaging with them. If you are incapable of following those rules for whatever reason, you should not be engaging in that kink.

Regardless, anon, I don’t care if you ship charmie. I really do not give a singular fuck. I only care if you think it’s real. If you think it’s real, we got a problem, and I don’t wanna talk to you. If you don’t think it’s real and just read and/or write it, cool, I hope you enjoy. And kinks aren’t a problem either. Lack of consent is a problem. Harassment is a problem. Abuse is a problem. I do genuinely hope Armie is able to get better, and I hope the women get hurt are, too. Wish you the best ✌️

[starsfreckled]

lil rant in coming . kinda prompted by the event . talking about gender & the fandom & ..basically a big ramble.

the story message is so darn cute. i love that amaya can tell young people that a form of love is self love & being true to oneself & your preferences. because amaya wasn't always out as NB. in 'my verse / my none tumblr wol verse / twt verse??' they came out during shb.

cause not all queer stories start with a teen figuring this out. some people are older. but people constantly shame older queer for coming out late... personally I wanted amaya's story to be one where, when they learn to forgive themself, to be themself, they also truly stand to themself. & for them, that journey takes up to shb. that journey takes them until they are 30. ( I am a not fully out yet NB person myself & I may never really come out irl because of how german works as a language & wanting to avoid troubles ).

& dunno. the fandom sometimes does not make it easy. like i know i started writing amaya as a woman but ya know. self discovery yadda yadda. I do write amaya as sb who has been living as NB since their younger years bcs I do not trust people to be able to realize why amaya may use she/her pre-shb & then they/them.

but the amount of times ppl go "well you know amaya is still kinda a she" why. cause they have a bigger chest? cause sometimes they wear a dress? cause they do not fit a stereotype of how all NB people must be androgynous? I am sorry they do not fit into this media & fandom pushed idea of how NB people must be. People really want NB people to be like a third gender when this is exactly what we are not. Legit some people still misgender amaya in asks or while talking to me. same with aze.m/asthelios.

& also ofc the eternal dispute of "amaya appears straight" cause some of their ship are with men. sorry to say, but part of it is.... if we talk about xiv canon women, as much as i love them - they all tend to fall under a same-ish archertype. we have way more diverse masc presenting characters where it is clear the devs put more love & care into them.

moen & ysayl.e were killed off for no good reason. shtola never got the same kinda development the male scions got ( nah imma say it, if shtola had been a guy the whole lifestream thing & aether sight would have had its own arc. alas it is 'haha funny we nearly saw her naked'). the moment the devs remembered minf.ilia is a really interesting character they got so scared they yeeted her off for over an expac only to have her be dead once we reunite. yotsu.yu died too. i really like zero but i am trying so hard to not be too attached bcs the game slapped she/her on 'em so all i see is a deathflag.

i am sorry then that people feel more inclined to ship their characters with the guys then. the saving grace in all of this are the rper here tbh who grab these characters & give them so much more life ( just as an example, @astherea 's shtola is just brilliant )

just no. amaya is not a straight cis woman. amaya is a deeply queer character & just 'cause they do not follow certain expectations does not mean people got the right to insist they are not queer. & I think part of it is the fandoms general stance towards femme writers & femme ocs. people see a chest & go "oh woman. probs only want to ship" when that just ain't the case... &...like. even if. why do people act like they are personally attacked by that???

i don't have a real conclusion tbh i dunno why the event made me think of all that but it just kinda got me to ramble about this even tho this is 80% incoherent screeching at nothing.

[thedreadvampy]

I think the online culture of trauma as social currency is a really good way to dig directly into my delicate brainmeats and push the None Of Your Problems Are Real switch buuuuuuut I also don't have. a solution.

because a culture where having a say on issues is conditional on disclosing your shittiest experiences in a pithy way is to my mind self-evidently unhealthy as fuck BUT. it's also incredibly frustrating when people who Do Not Know What They're Talking About weigh in with total confidence.

and like it's good. to live in a culture where we're able to name and acknowledge traumas and disadvantagements and oppressive systems. and where we're able to recognise the importance of direct lived experience. but it's not good to be expected to play Who Has The Most Trauma every time you get in an argument with a stranger or ask for help or just like Exist Online. especially because a lot of this stuff, like disability or neurodivergence or experiences of abuse or trauma or systemic violence, can be really hard to discern in a wider culture that gaslights and normalises those experiences from birth.

like whether it's individual abuse or systemic oppression, experience of trauma is complicated and highly personal and difficult to describe, let alone summarise. and that doesn't mean it's not real or we shouldn't talk about it but the constant demand to complete with a list of umbrella experiences - I'm Literally A Bisexual Disabled Neurodivergent Survivor Of Sexual And Domestic Violence -

a) requires you to be quite far through the journey of naming those experiences (some are just factual - while unpicking the trauma and specific experiences you've had related to your identity and naming those is just as complex, many people can pretty confidently say 'I am [racialised category]' or 'I am a sex worker' or 'I am an amputee' and have that indicate something about what experiences and power dynamics are likely to come from that - but a lot, like naming trauma but also like disability, sexuality, gender, neurodiversity, race for many people, is a lot more fraught and tends to take a lot of work to claim)

b) opens you up to constant implicit or explicit questioning of your Trauma Cred. like the amount of times I've seen someone immediately start picking apart someone's claim about their own life because of an unrelated argument - you're faking mental illness, you're claiming the label of survivor and that's ALL you experienced???, you want us to believe you're experiencing ableism but you're practically able-bodied, you have opinions about queerness but you live in Seattle so how can you know anything about homophobia?

And again I do not. Have a solution bc people do take the piss sometimes but it is not GOOD to have this whole precedent set that people's lives experience is up for debate, or that the way to win an argument is to successfully one-up or debunk every trauma or oppression your opponent's ever experienced. like we can agree that's fundamentally fucked, right? the constant endless debateability of whether other people's pain is Valid Enough to win the Trauma Contest?

like I very very often fall prey to the temptation to Trauma Contest. I think most of us do bc you see someone talking confidently as if they're the authority and you know that their experience of that specific thing has been very marginal and shielded and yours hasn't and it feels like an appropriation of pain. and sometimes it Truly Fucking Is but I also think some of the reason people do sometimes claim ownership of the most edge-case experiences of trauma and marginalisation is because trauma is social currency. It should be a good thing if someone's not experienced abuse. ideally none of us would have.

but anyway yeah it's easy to do. I do it all the time and I am very good at deciding I've lost the Trauma Contest before anyone's even spoken which is why all my experiences feel fake bc in all areas I know so many people who've had much worse experiences. and experiences that are much more neatly encapsulated in familiar labels.

and I think it's important to be able to recognise your own privilege and that you are unlikely to have the Most Dramatically Awful Story Of Anyone In The World. and recognise the ways you're protected or have been lucky where others aren't and haven't. but it's also important to know that you don't have to CHOOSE whose pain is legitimate. someone can have been really hurt by something you'd shrug off and the hurt is real and the shrugging off is also real. someone can be really severely traumatised and marginalised and need to have that understood and respected AND their opinions or behaviour can still be total dogshit that you disagree with and have to set boundaries around.

[lyricallyharley]

idk if you care but lemme just get this off my chest: I look queer. There's no way getting around it. The way that I dress, how I act, my hair; all my life people have assumed I'm somewhere on the not straight spectrum. It didn't really bother me at first, but as time went on I got really annoyed at people just automatically assuming things, every "well you're obviously gay" was like dismissal of my own identity. I just wanted people to leave me alone because it wasn't any of their business and I was tired of all the subtle nudges and fucking eyebrow waggles. I feel like this whole thing with Kitt Connor goes the other way too, when I tell people I'm straight they usually don't believe me, and then get angry and ask me why I look the way that I do if I'm not. Can we all just leave people alone, and let them live their lives how they please?? Nobody 'owes' anyone else an explanation of their sexuality, not even straight people.

Also, I look the way that I do because it's hot and I'm comfortable with my sexuality so fuck everyone else and their weird norms and boxes they keep putting people in

Yes! This!!!

You're absolutely right that not even straight people need to explain anything to anyone. No one owes anyone their sexuality. You could be straight and questioning, or you could just be straight but you still feel like it's nobody's damn business (which it isn't) and you have the right to not explain yourself to keep other people happy. So many people feel like they're entitled to know someone's sexuality once they suspect they are straight, which either results in someone being outed, or making a straight person feel really uncomfortable and shitty, which, and I can't believe I have to fucking say this, is NOT A GOOD THING.

I really understand where you're coming from because I definitely don't look or act queer. I'm into sports and I dress 'normal' so to speak, so people not only constantly assume I'm straight, but I feel very out of place in queer spaces just because of the way I look and my personality somewhat standing out.

So many people have been forced out of the closet and I'm honestly tired of it. At the end of the day, some people really just could not handle the fact that a 'straight' person (in their eyes) did a fantastic job at playing a queer character, because that idea goes against everything the internet has taught them.

They're not only perpetuating the ridiculous standard we place on people (men especially, let's be real) to act however we see acceptable (whether they think they're not "queer enough" for a queer space, or "too queer when they're obviously straight") but they're also pushing the harmful idea that you have to put yourself in a box in order to truly be respected and accepted.

Some of us just don't belong in boxes. Some of us are maybe still searching for one. Some of us may have one but just prefer to keep that information private. And some of us just don't want to fucking explain ourselves to strangers and then have to re explain ourselves five years later when something inevitably changes.

One reason a lot of famous people may prefer to keep their identity private is because they have the eyes of people who look up to them on them at all times. And if we're talking about Kit specifically, he's a teenager who was just thrust into fame. Heartstopper wasn't the first thing he did, but it was incredibly significant that it not only widely expanded his followers, but it specifically expanded to a predominantly queer following. People who don't understand that real people don't solely exist to be representation were already curious about his sexuality, and that speculation only got worse when he stated he didn't feel comfortable sharing it.

You don't need a label in order to be in queer spaces or participate in queer stories, and honestly you don't even have to be fucking queer. We're supposed to be accepting, and yet all I see are people harassing anyone they think is suspicious because the core of it all is that there are queer people out there who think that straight people don't belong in our spaces and are not welcome.

This is a mindset that hurts all of us, old or young, queer or not. The internet has perpetuated a sort of black and white thinking that is devastating to people everywhere.

I hope something changes soon.

[the-ace-lesbians]

I've just discovered your beautiful tumblr. So I've been out as a lesbian for over a decade but only in the past two months have I realized I'm asexual (embarrassingly late). But I find I feel quite disconnected from the lesbian comm, perhaps because of the sexual component? I don't like the sunset flag (I like what it stands for, I just don't get excited when I see it). I feel more comfortable in the ace comm. Is this relatable or am I making presumptions about the lesbian comm? I feel bad!

Longest post imaginable and FAQ below!

Hey! Look, we all have to make our own choices and do whatever we need to to make ourselves feel safe and comfortable! I'm a firm believer that people never have to doubt or question themselves if they feel comfortable unless someone else says, 'hey, here's some proof that what you're doing is harmful'.

That being said, first off, don't feel embarrassed about finding out your asexual later in life! It's hard knowing what's sexual attraction and what's not, and that's made so much more difficult by allosexual marketing, media, "sex crucial" ideals about relationships, the fact that sexual attraction and drive only truly begins with puberty and so, so much more; It's hard to figure out by oneself, and even with the help of others, and no one should ever feel nervous or embarrassed by not realizing young.

Next, I want to say that not feeling as connected to the lesbian community as you do the asexual community isn't something I can personally relate to right off the bat, but I DO relate to the idea of feeling disconnected from the lesbian community because of the focus on sexual aspects of it; That's fair! While no one should be shamed of their sex lives, attractions, or anything to do with their own sexual experiences, especially not the queer community and in this case especially not lesbians, the lesbian community has had it's fair share of struggles with oversexualization in my opinion-- Not even from lesbians, which is the worse part.

Nonlesbians and nonsapphics have fetishized the lesbian community to awful, horrible points, the point that the term lesbian has pretty much become synonymous with sex, and in particular, the fetishized versions that nonlesbians portray us as-- I've heard a lot of lesbians say that that pretty much instantly makes them feel isolated and separated from a lot of the lesbian community as a whole, and it's very important to realize that this isn't the lesbian communities fault, but rather the fault of people fetishizing the lesbian community and making it so that there's no real place to have a completely nonfetishized or nonsexualized space of sapphic people and lesbians.

(cut to preserve people's dashes)

Allosexual lesbians have done good work in reclaiming the identity and taking the fetishization away from their actual sexual attraction to women, and I genuinely will always support that! I think sex is natural, and some people (not even just asexuals) don't want it or want it rarely, and that's just as natural. However, in my personal opinion, the push to reclaim the very term, 'lesbian', the tags, the way people view us, and the sexual attraction lesbians feel has made a huge push for nonfetishized content from lesbains and sapphics for lesbians and sapphics, which is a good thing, but ultimately means that there's no real place for nonsexual content in general.

That can be so much more isolating than fetishized content for asexual lesbians and sapphics, since I would hope we know that it's a good thing for lesbians to reclaim our sexualities and romance, but our version of reclaiming our sexualities looks much different for allosexual lesbians and sapphics. Where do we go in the sexual content? What do we say when most positivity posts focus on a sexual attraction to women and that doesn't apply to us?

One more time just in case someone misunderstands: I love and support the sex-positive movement within the lesbian community, and I think lesbians deserve positivity, especially those who feel any sort of negative way about their sexuality and sexual attraction to women and other sapphic people. The sex-positivity is not the issue as even that includes someone's want to not have sex, it's the lack of focus on other things within the community that focuses on more than sexual attraction.

Not feeling connected to the sunset flag is fine-- Not everything is going to connect with you, not every symbol will feel like home, and not every term will fit right-- maybe none will, ever, and that's fine. The beauty of the queer community is that you don't have to fit into boxes, assign labels to yourself, or be some sort of stereotype in order to truly be a part of the community, no matter what anyone says.

Personally, I like the lesbian flag in the same way I like the asexual flag; They remind me that others out there feel the same as me, are the same as me, and that I'm not alone no matter how I present or what I do. A flag doesn't have to define you and you don't have to rally behind it or even claim it to be the thing it represents, it's just a symbol of what is.

I think being more comfortable in the asexual community is just a boundary you have, something that fits you that might not fit others-- The asexual community is mostly desexualized and focuses more on a lack of sexual attraction and the experiences of such a thing where other communities not specifically tailored to asexual or nonsexual members are obviously going to include those things. That's perfectly fine! Sometimes you just feel safer somewhere knowing that all of you will be acknowledged and that all of you will be included instead of parts of you and you have to carve out the rest.

All of this aside, I do want to say that if you're worried about making harmful presumptions about the lesbian community, chances are you're not making harmful presumptions about the lesbian community. Something I've learned is that if you're worrying about doing something harmful, all you need to do is look up something well-researched about the topic, ask yourself, 'am I doing what these people are doing?' and if the answer is no, then there you have it. This is universal, but it's a pretty damn good start-- And that being said...

Here's a list of how to tell:

Ask yourself, am I assuming sex is bad, gross, or wrong?

If yes, then examine your own bias, read about sex positivity and why it's important, and understand that sex is none of those things!

Am I assuming that all lesbians are hypersexual? And, do I think that being hypersexual is a gross, shameful, or ugly thing?

If the answer to the first one is yes, then examine why you're thinking of lesbians discussing their sexual attraction as inherently hypersexual, why their actions seem overtly sexual, and if you're falling into a pit of lesbophobia or internalized lesbophobia!

If the answer to the second is yes in general, look into hypersexuality, it's causes, and how to help and support others and uplift them instead of shaming them-- Sex is never shameful, and if someone is hypersexual and has negative experiences from that we shouldn't belittle them. It's not a moral failing, it's something they should be supported about.

Am I angry that lesbians and sapphics are discussing their sexual attraction to sapphics, or am I frustrated that they rarely speak about other forms of attraction and nonsexual relationships?

This one's more about self-reflection. Are you actually upset, uncomfortable, angry, and feeling ostracized over the fact that lesbians are speaking of their sexual attraction... Or do you just feel ostracized because there's no attempt made to validate you? Believe it or not, these two things are different; A lesbian talking about sexual attraction will not instantly make one feel as if they're an outcast, but a lesbian only ever discussing sexual attraction and never pausing to note that a lack of sexual attraction is just as valid might start to push some buttons.

While no one is required to speak on sexual attraction or a lack thereof, especially if they themselves lack it or have it respectively, when it's a community at large doing it, things can get... frustrating. That doesn't make you a bad person, in my opinion, it means you want to be seen.

As long as you're not invalidating or belittling lesbians or sapphics for their attraction or sex lives, and instead just want to do what makes you most comfortable in staying within asexual spaces primarily, that's what you do. What we do to make ourselves feel comfortable is our business, and we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone.