#i tried to make him look like a pirate bc the headcanon that his parents are pirates is so cute to me

[ghostcond]

a little alternate design of nolan for fun

[midnightmoonytales]

𝕊𝕝𝕪𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕟 𝔾𝕒𝕟𝕘 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤 𝟚

A/N: Some of these are based on my Last of Us Fanfic that I'm in the midst of writing. I really enjoy making these headcanons. The nicknames I gave them aren't very creative but idrc. Let me know if you would like to see more of the Slytherin Gang or just them by themselves.

Tried to keep as gender-neutral as possible Unedited

Mattheo is a pyromaniac; there have been MANY burned things around the castle. Ranging from tapestries to House memorabilia (mostly Gryffindor)

Draco wears his family ring - even if it is the only ring he wears; if he makes a tough decision you bet you can find him fiddling with it

Even though Draco and Mattheo are cousins, they grew up very distant and have a slight hatred for each other.

Pansy lived with her aunt for most of her life, her parents opting to explore the wizarding world for new spells. Only returning home to join Voldemort's side once again - and forcing her to follow their footsteps.

Blaise is always showing up to class...well blazed. I mean it's literally his name, fight me.

Theodores' parents host yearly balls for the scared twenty-eight families; in order for them to marry off their children to other pureblood families.

Yk what Sirius is to James? Well, Mattheo is the Sirius to Theodores, James. That's all I have to say on the matter.

Mattheo only tried out for the Slytherin Quidditch team to spite Draco. (Given he wasn't chosen for the team and Draco was, he was now the spiteful one.)

Pansy and you are always having to pull the boys (Mattheo and Theodore) out of trouble. You two are the ones who have to cover up Mattheo's pyromaniac ways.

While Pansy can be a stuck-up bitch at times, she would do anything for her friends and will absolutely demolish anybody if she hears them talking rubbish about her friends. She will have 100% hexed some students, and that'll show them.

Pirate!Au: I don't make the rules, but you're the captain. Sike, I do make the rules and you going to be the captain.

Pirate!Au: Mattheos your first mate, but also has the nickname executioner.

Pirate!Au: Pansy is your Master Gunner, give that woman a gun or a canon and there she blows. Cruelest gunner in the seven seas if I dare say so myself. Her nickname is Ace.

Pirate!Au: Blaise is 100% the surgeon on deck, give him some needle and thread and bottle of gin and he'll have you sewn up in no time. His nickname is Stitch, bc damn he is good with a needle n' thread.

Pirate!Au: Draco is the Boatswain, he is supervising everything that is happening on deck, deciding who is worth keeping or fish food. In charge of calling shots when they leave or setting up at the docks. His nickname is Riv, no true reason, they just thought it fit his rugged appearance.

Pirate!Au: Theodore is the Master-at-arms, got me new meat on deck - he's wringing them out and training them. He goes by Snapper, known for having a low patience span.

Pirate!Au the lot of you started as low life thiefs all looking for a sense of adventure. Soon establishing one of the cruelest pirate crews the sail the seven seas.

<><><>

@ghostofscarley @devilishwitchfantasies

[aprxl-showers]

klance x pirates of the caribbean

bc apparently when i'm upset i listen to newsies live and think up weird klance aus

in my head this could go one of two ways:

keith and lance as will and elizabeth

keith and lance as jack and will (i'll explain later)

a lot more under the cut bc i got a bit carried away...

if it follows the canon love story i picture lance as will and keith as elizabeth. (i could see it the other way around bc keith could be the orphan pirate boy but i’ve written too much to go back now).

when they were young, keith was on a ship with his father and he spots lance on a piece of driftwood. they save him ofc and keith spots a jewel necklace around lance's neck. he takes it and later has it fused in the hilt of his mother's knife that is now his.

keith hates being the governor's son with a passion. he hates the formality of it and how restrictive it is. lance is the weaponsmaster's apprentice (that's how he gets good with a gun) and he is always under appreciated! give this guy some recignition!

anyway, he has been silently pining for keith for ages. little does he know, keith kind of likes him too. a lot of mutual pining has been going on for longer than either can recall.

anyhoo, pirates invade the town and kidnap keith. he puts up a fight but in the end he's outnumbered and taken aboard the ship as leverage. he says his surname is mcclain bc it's on his mind. wink wonk. captain of the evil pirates is zarkon and when the pirates who kidnapped keith hand him the knife he realises it is the jewel that can break their spell. since keith uses lance's surname, he also thinks it is keith's blood they need to finish the ritual since lance's family are the one's who sent the jewel away with lance. but it's not. obvs.

lance, after saving a baby, watches keith get taken in horror and tries to call out but is knocked out before he can act. once he's awake he hears that there's a pirate who was caught in the dungeon. that's allura. yes, eccentric captain allura is a choice i am making.

lance manages to break her out of jail, thinking she is one of the evil pirates and he can persuade her to help him. she is not but decides to help him anyway in an attempt to retrieve her ship 'the voltron' from zarkon. the two of them go off on a quest to save keith.

meanwhile, hunk and pidge are guarding keith. they are new recruits to zarkon's crew after their other crew threw pidge out when they discovered she was a girl (silly pirate superstitions). hunk went with her. they are easily persuaded to help keith bc zarkon's a meanie and promise that they'll help him out when they make it to land.

lance and allura arrive on an island and find coran who is allura's closest friend and ally. shiro is also there. he has a peg arm (is that a thing? idk it's a weird mechanism but it does the trick). coran explains that the ship keith is on is cursed and they will be going to the mysterious isle of daibazaal to break the curse.

they get there and watch zarkon attempt to break the curse using the jewel (which he pried out of the blade) and keith's blood. nah, it don't work. they still turn into creepy looking skeletons in the moonlight. damn. he threatens keith and then all hell breaks loose bc lance shoots him. it would have definitely killed zarkon but he can't die bc... the whole undead thing, and in doing so all lance does is reveal their position. they fight a bit, as you do. keith gets hold of a sword and kills three evil pirates in about five seconds. lance falls a little bit in love with him.

in the midst of the battle, lance makes a deal with zarkon that he will stay if keith and the others can go (this now includes hunk and pidge bc they helped keith get free). lance is stripped of visible weapons and zarkon agrees to break the curse immediately. lance cuts his hand and drops the jewel into the chest.

then he grabs keith's jewel-less knife from where it lies beside the chest. zarkon, distracted, doesn't notice until the blade is buried in his gut. he dies. keith and the rest act immediately and kill any other pirates who don't surrender. keith kills an evil pirate about to shoot lance.

they return keith in exchange for allura, coran, shiro, pidge, hunk and lance's pardon. keith expresses his wish not to be governor in the future and allura invites them on 'the voltron' ship with her since she reclaimed it from zarkon. keith and lance then have a moment where they thank each other for saving each other's life. keith thanks lance for coming after him and lance confesses. it's all very sappy and they kiss for ages.

OR

lance is still will. i stand by everything i said about him in the previous version. his parents caused the curse to endure and sent him off. but instead of keith finding him, it's allura. she's the governor's (in this case, alfor's) daughter. she takes the jewel and keeps it as a necklace. lance and allura are more like besties but they're not really allowed to see each other because of their differing classes.

keith arrives and escapes the navy. hides in weaponsmaster’s shop. lance tries to fight him but he’s not as good with a sword as he is with a gun. lots of sassy banter where lance is tryna be noble and keith doesn’t care for it.

anyway, we sort of know what happens. allura gets kidnapped and uses lance's surname bc they had a conversation beforehand. lance stresses, hears about a pirate they captured, assumes it's one of the evil ones he can persuade to help him.

but instead he gets keith who he met earlier. in the time they’ve been apart he’s got himself landed in the dungeon. and he’s notoriously one of the most stubborn, grumy pirate captains in all the seven seas.

he's overall unimpressed with lance as a person and with his plan, only agreeing when he realises he might be able to get his ship, this time called 'the red lion', back. lance decides he's going to prove himself to keith. he doesn't know why he's so offended by a pirate's opinion but he just is. hmmm...

they pick up shiro and coran, pidge and hunk promise to help allura out yada yada yada and they start making their way towards the island.

they run into lotor and his crew (acxa, ezor, zethrid etc) who are unrelated to zarkon and that whole... thing but they're your typical pirates and they want their stuff. which is annoying af bc allura is missing and they have somewhere to be thank you very much.

they put up a good fight. lance has plenty of opportunities to impress keith with his pistol skills. consider keith very impressed and mildly enamoured. but he doesn't do feelings so he stuffs them down inside him as you do. they win and move on. afterwards keith asks lance where he learned those moves and lance tells him stories of his time in the weaponsmaster's workshop. they bond.

they get to the island and find allura. they fight and keith and lance save each other's backs too many times to count. lance has a revelation (inconveniently mid battle) that he actually really likes this. this is fun. this is exciting.

then keith fucks up. he says that he'll hand lance over if zarkon gives him his ship back. lance is fucking fuming and feeling very betrayed and hurt bc he actually felt like he was getting somewhere with keith. keith gets what he deserves though bc zarkon dumps him and allura on an island and takes lance away.

while they're on the island allura knocks some sense into him regarding his life generally and lance specifically. she tells him loads of cute lance-as-a-teenager stories and keith feels awful. he helps her light a signal fire using some rum he has on his person.

they spot the ship alfor sent to find allura. they persuade them to go to where lance and the rest of the crew is. keith tries to act like he's on zarkon's side when they get back to the cave and then he takes one of the cursed jewels so he's now immortal. aha! while this is happening allura has infiltrated zarkon's ship, 'the red lion', so shiro, coran, pidge and hunk can be freed.

allura then frees lance from where they were keeping him in the hull. lance runs to where keith is. they share a look. keith cuts his hand and throws the jewel to lance who does the same and drops it into the water. the curse is broken. keith goes to grab zarkon's sword so he can kill him but zarkon grabs him by the throat. lance shoots zarkon in the side before keith can pass out. he runs to keith who has collapsed. keith apologises and thanks him and promises not to betray him again. lance laughs, says he better not and helps him up.

they return allura safely in exchange for their pardon. keith asks lance to join the crew of 'the red lion' and gives him loads of reasons that are really just disguised compliments. safe to say lance kisses him senseless and they run away together, sailing off into the sunset. bc. klance. there's got to be a sunset somewhere.

hope you liked my what-were-meant-to-be-headcanons-but-just-became-plot-summaries!! i promise i’ll post some general pirate voltron headcanons unrelated to this au at some point. i wrote a pirate au piece for klance au month on my ao3 so some might be related to that?

if you want to send asks or whatever that would be cool - even if they're just random ideas for the au or changes/additions to the plot. i also might write little snippets for this at some point (i’ll tag them under ‘kl potc au’ like this post) bc i'm suddenly crazy invested so if you have any scenes from this you want (from version 1 or 2 or any scene in the plethora of potc movies) send a message and i'll probably get around to it :))

[lesbitsch-archive]

✿ ♬ △ ♆ ☾ ◊

✿ for a happy memory.

honestly after ellis left none of william’s memories were happy anymore, they were all bittersweet and sorta painful. 

like honestly everything with ellis is happy. i can’t imagine a time before he left that he wasn’t happy when he was around ellis. even during the bad times it was at least comforting to know he was near. 

after they’re back together i think a happy memory would be when they’re reunited for the second time, after ellis turns william over for the ransom. they’d have the ransom, and william would be coming back to ellis on his own accord the way he wanted to do back when ellis left the first time. it’d be like him declaring like i fucking love you asshole and i don’t want to go back to this fucking life, and even though they were still happy being together when william was technically a prisoner, obviously this is much better because it’s like yes i want to be here i want to be with you, even though that was already known before.

♬ for a childhood headcanon.

lowkey highkey i feel like they cuddled so much when they were younger

their rooms were probably super near to each other and it’s not like their parents ever had time to pay attention to them nor cared to and the guards outside william’s room obvs like … they couldn’t be like no u can’t go in here if they wanted one another in their room and didn’t say anything about the boys just sleeping over all the time because that’s really not their place especially since they wouldn’t speak unless spoken to anyway lmao and servants always needed permission before entering so no one would have known that 1. they were sleeping over all the time or 2. cuddling

but anyway it’s just like something they didn’t even acknowledge they probably just… did it??? and it probably started fairly young like they just would sleep in each other’s rooms all the time just because they were friends and they hung out lmao but as they got a bit older they still hung out 24/7 of course, but they got a bit more touchy like how we headcanoned them sitting closer together when they were alone, etc. well it transferred there of course and one night maybe they just fell asleep shoulder to shoulder, then next time they were talking really close face to face and woke up with their legs tangled and still laying face to face, then one fell asleep with their head on the other’s shoulder, and their closeness just kept increasing. each night they got closer until they were straight up just spooning each other all the time, and pretending like it was nothing and probably not saying a single thing about it or acknowledging it during the day , i mean?? obviously, but i mean when they’re alone. like even when they’re alone and it’s private they still don’t do any sort of snuggling or touching but as soon as that sun sets… it’s like okay this is fine

△ for a sex headcanon.

ummmm william fucking loves to be topped by ellis so much??? 

like excuse you you’re gonna serve these looks at me all day now you gotta do something about it you fuCK

and also that like … i feel like william LooOoOOoOoVes that ellis is so dominant and domineering in personality and around everyone, barking orders all day,  BUT then… he goes wild for when he’s just the softest fucking softy with him, all gentle and loving and super intimate. the difference of his arrogant and in charge attitude with everyone else, to suddenly melting that away when he’s alone with william and even more so during sex like god it would just make him feel so special and loved and feeling the difference of ellis with everyone else vs with him would get his insides all fluffy and warm 

don’t get him wrong tho he likes when ellis’ dominance translates in bed, but he can still feel the softness there tbh. which is what i’ve kind of gotten from u i feel like? is that ellis gets soft around william nyehehe. and obvs that’s not a pun LOL. and again, just… loves being topped by him so fucking much. whether it is rougher or s0ft.

also he probably hates having to be quiet mostly all the time 

♆ for something my muse hates.

i have this idea in my head that they get interrupted fairly frequently. and this drives william fucking insane, and also creates some serious frustration both intimately and sexually lmao. and attention wise probably too, just wanting ellis’ undivided attention without all the commotion.

stuff just such as like:

when they’re conversing on the decks, being constantly walked up to and pushed around especially by people who want ellis’ attention for nothing specifically special but because… you know it’s ellis’ attention, and then of course by anything emergent as well.

when they’re just making EYES!!!!!! at each other at dinners and people pull them away from it. 

when they find a moment to kiss or be intimate and then someone comes too near. 

when they’re in ellis’ quarters and making out and whatnot and then someone comes knoCKING !!!!!!!!! or even oh my god if they were really in the middle of sex and someone  comes (and if they tried to open the door, which would be locked but that would really piss them off that they didn’t knock first can u imagine) and i feel like this happens fairly regularly because like … well obvs ellis is captain and anytime they’re just hiding away ppl are probs like where’s he at??? and they’re just like goD WHAT NOW or william would be anyway like 

like hE JUST WANTS ELLIS TO HIMSELF AND IT’S OUT OF REACH SO OFTEN

☾ for a sleep headcanon.

when ellis was gone william couldn’t sleep well for fucking months and months. especially if the cuddling thing is canon because that would make it intensely harder to sleep. william’s already depressed and angry and heartbroken, and then to be without ellis next to him would just escalate it. he’d be a wreck. 

when he’s on the ship he sleeps better than he ever has in his life tbh. like the rocking, the sound of the ocean, the surroundings, ugh it would be heaven. and then, of course… there’s ellis.

◊ for a headcanon of the mun’s choice.

okay this is kind of stupid and random but something really great happening you know like they get the ransom or something or it’s a different situation farther down the line but they get what they want you know and it’s big

and ellis just turns to william and grabs his face and plants one on him because it just HAPPENS bc he’s so happy and it’d just be a really quick one and he’d obvs immediately realize and william would be all wide eyed and everyone would probably get really quiet and look at them and ellis is just like [insert awkward half smile here] like uhhh

and then suddenly everyone cheers and fucking kisses the person next to them because they’re all half drunk and elated anyway and they were just like oh it was a celebratory bros being bros kiss LMAO IDK just so dumb w all these drunk pirates whomst a lot have like half a brain cell left lmfao and ellis and william just start laughing

then they all probably start fist fighting

w and e like… anyway…

send symbols for a headcanon!

[gourmetbooty]

Katsuhira Yuuta+Shuuta

Hi, I thought I’d make a post about my Tokyo Ghoul oc, Katsukira Yuuta, and his dynamics with Tsukiyama Shuu!

100% japanese, 27 years old, born 17th june, full ghoul, ukaku

wavy brown hair (see Harry Styles 2017), dark brown eyes, full lips, earrings (tiny and black/silver, nothing too flashy), 1,90m tall (6’2” i think??)

pretty fit but not over the top, likes football and sometimes roller skating for fun

small heart shaped mole under his right ear, Shuu loves it

bisexual, realized it when he was 18 but has always been pretty chill about it

backstory: relatively normal/happy childhood, his father died when he was 16 because of the CCG, that’s why he accepts to join GOAT so easily

his mom died when he was 22, she was a very positive female figure in his life 

got along well with both his parents, especially his mom

momma’s boy

dropped out after 2 years of university to help his mom, studied Biology

likes animals and plants

keeps a “bad boy” appearance to seem tough but he’s just really sweet and has a lot of love to give

likes books, most of them are similar to Shuu’s tastes

fav tv shows: the walking dead, naruto, game of thrones, sailor moon

fav animal is polar bear, fav color is blue

he often wears his dad’s leather jacket

considers his motorcycle as his child and calls her Baby

usually cheerful and flirty, especially with someone he likes

has had 2 girlfriends and 1 boyfriend, but it was never something serious

he doesn’t cry often, except with the lion king, the last Indiana Jones movie, the wizard of oz and armageddon

has had an emo phase at 13-15

he doesn’t mind studying, as long as it’s not too much

before joining GOAT he worked at a genius bar in an apple store, he likes computers, phones and tech in general

what he feels for Shuu kinda scares him at first bc he has never felt something like this for anyone, but he quickly accepts his feelings and learn to love him, and he promises to himself that he will help him in any way he can bc he loves this boy so much

knows like 2 words in French but wants shuu to teach him

he just wants shuu to wear glasses and a sweater vest, giving him the professor vibe

doesn’t mind kaneki but he kinda doesn’t like him at the same time for what he did to Shuu

nihsiki and banjou are his bros

has never rly built a relationship with touka

has instantly fell in love with Hinami and after a while he begins to consider her sort of like his lil sister, they bond over disney movies

is a pretty skilled fighter but still needs some polishing, so sometimes he spars with nishiki, naki or someone else, but mostly Shuu

who wouldn’t mind flirting if they weren’t currently fighting

Now I’ll list some headcanons I talked about with @sandypenguin6 !!!

sometimes Shuu wears Yuuta’s leather jacket and Yuuta adores it

after a while Shuu gets more comfortable and initiates physical contact gives Yuuta kisses and sits in his lap

Shuu loves holding hands

he’s never had much physical contact so he glues himself to Yuuta

pirate!Yuuta and mermaid!Shuu is a thing

Shuu would lure him in with singing but he’s too cute to kill so he drags him back to the shore

Yuuta wakes up and sees something disappearing, he wants to know what saved him so he comes back to the shore every day until he meets Shuu

sometimes he goes mailing alone and Shuu follows him in the water

Yuuta: “did you clean your pants with windex bc i can see myself in them” Shuu: “i’m leaving you”

Yuuta uses terrible pick-up lines and Shuu looks at him with murder in his eyes but at the same time he thinks “oh god i can’t not fuck him”

during the first days of their relationship Yuuta is pretty sure it’s not gonna be anyhting too serious, then he wakes up one morning, looks at this beautiful sleeping angel in his arms and thinks “uh oh”

they’d do anything to protect each other

during a fight a dove has Shuu cornered and says “your friend won’t save you now” and Shuu just decks him and yells “he’s my boyfriend you dumb slut”

Mirumo would be so happy his son got over that “goth young man”

he’d be so supportive, even after Shuu tells him Yuuta has a motorcycle

he’d come back a day later with condoms and lube and tell Shuu “you’e now an adult, be responsible” bc he’s not a regular dad, he’s a cool dad

Yuuta would be a little intimidated by him at first but they’d get along really well

he’d show him Shuu’s baby and teenage pictures while Shuu screams in the background

Shuu has told Yuuta some adventures of his Gourmet days, like that time he ore off and ate a councilman’s balls, and Yuuta is impressed

“i also tried to eat kaneki-kun while he ate someone else” “you didn’t tell me you were this kinky”

Shuu feels undeserving at first bc he’s still not over Kaneki and Yuuta deserves someone who can love him unconditionally, but Yuuta shushes him, holds him and kisses his worries away

sometimes Shuu doesn’t cry but he looks for Yuuta, pulls him in bed and climbs onto him like a koala without a word

Shuu is confused because he’s not used to receiving this kind of affection, or affection at all, but he loves it

when Yuuta finds out he makes sure to kiss him and touch him all over to assume him that he’s there

Shuu would be the first one to say i love you! Yuuta has known for a while but didn’t tell him because he didn’t wanna pressure him, but one day Shuu blurts it out and Yuuta pushes him against the walls and repeats “i love you, i love you” between kisses

Shuu manager to get over Kaneki in 2/3 months but he’s still sensitive when he’s around him so Yuuta holds his hand to remino him that he’s there

if they could they’d elope to get married bc Shuu thinks it’s romantic

Kaneki is a little disappointed and he thinks of Shuu as “the one who got away” but he’s happy that Shuu is finally happy

Kaneki is still super important to Shuu and he’s very attached to him, just not romantically anymore

Yuuta feels a little threatened not by the actual Kaneki, but the image of him Shuu has created in his mind, but he gets over that quickly and Shuu has eyes only for Yuuta

Shuu is late for a meeting and when he comes in he looks at Yuuta first and Yuuta knows there’s nothing to be worried about

sometimes Yuuta smokes but he eventually stops for Shuu

Shuu is weak every time Yuuta wakes up with light stubble and begs him not to shave

if Yuuta gets sick he insists that he isn’t and tries to seduce Shuu by seductively rubbing Vaporub on his chest and making noises, and of course Shuu gives in

if Shuu were sick Yuuta would become a super mom

Shuu is a cuddle monster

Yuuta knows that he’s Shuu first boyfriend and he tries to make every experience the best he’ll ever have

“i’m happy i’m your first” “and hopefully the last too!”

as of marriage proposals, Yuuta would think of something super elaborate and romantic but he’d just blurt it ut during a makeout session and tries to ignors but Shuu tackles him and accepts his proposal

the ring is silver with a small diamond in the center

Mirammo would be crying tears of joy, Hinami is super excited and Nishiki jokingly asks Yuuta if he’s really sure, Yuuta looks at Shuu adoringly and says “yes, 100% sure”

a few days later Kaneki calls Shuu and gives him a handmade black yarn bracelet bc he wants to congratulate Shuu and indirectly tell him that he’s sorry

Shuu thanks him and tells him that he has to move on but Kaneki will still be a huge part of his life and they hug tightly

one day when they’re not together yet Yuuta walks in a room while Shuu is working out and doing the splits and Yuuta has an aneurysm

Yuuta tries to play it cool and starts doing lift but he’s showing off for Shuu and even adds groans that sound like sex noises before taking off his shirt and splashing water all over his chest

Shuu starts salivating and he has to get up to wrap his sweatshirt around his waist bc of a “little” problem

the next workout Shuu wears a pair of booty shorts so tiny they might as well be slips and bends over right in front of Yuuta who combusts

hey’d start a seduction contest, seeing who’ll break first

one time Shuu arrived late for a meeting, there were no seats left and sat down in Yuuta’s lap, who can’t concentrate at all

NSFW headcanons!

Shuu is inexperienced so Yuuta always takes it slow and makes sure Shuu is super comfortable

if only Shuu gets to finish and he’s tired, Yuuta would go to the bathroom to finish himself off and come back for cuddles

Shuu loves hickeys

Shuu is loud during sex bc he’s not used to it and it feels so good, so Yuuta is always shushing or kissing him but it doesn’t work and if there’s someone in the rooms next to theirs they hear everything

when Yuuta is behind him Shuu mons louder just so that Yuuta would cover his mouth with a hand and be a little rougher

when he tops for the first time Shuu is always asking Yuuta if he’s okay, if it feels good and Yuuta praises him the whole time

afterwards Shuu complains that it’s too tiring and collapses on Yuuta, who just chuckles and kisses his forehead

Shuu’s flexibility comes in handy

they love leasing the fuck out of each other, both during sex and also with things like making bedroom eyes at each other in public and playing footsie under a table/touching each other's thighs/ass

Yuuta has an unhealthy obsession with Shuu’s ass and more often than he’d like to admit Shuu finds himself with bite marks on his asscheeks

[asokatanos]

@resistancepilots and I have no self control and could not stop thinking about Accidental Pirate Obi Wan Kenobi and how he got his start. This isn’t really fic, it’s more like… aggressive headcanoning. Cheers to @albaparthenicevelut @forcearama @fireflyfish @jerseytigermoth @writegowrite @lurkingcrow

Obi Wan and Rex travel to Tatooine, with Obi Wan feeling like he left his heart in pieces on Mustafar and Naboo where Padme’s funeral is currently happening. Singing to infant Luke with Rex watching his back (he doesn’t need the help, but he’s Tired and the Force feels painfully empty now).

They arrive on Tatooine only for their transport to be seized by the Hutts, who don’t hold back anymore now that the Republic is dead and their old trade agreements are moot. So the Hutts seize this transport and take all the sentients on board as slaves, and Rex is like um sir,,, we need to do something.

Obi Wan is in a state of “I fucking give up” and so he doesn’t want to do anything. They all just shuffle into whatever dank cells the Hutts have set up, cold, sad, and dejected.

And then Luke starts screaming. He’s an infant, after all, and no Skywalker has ever been silent in expressing their displeasure. And this infant Luke is driving Obi Wan up the wall and Obi is like good GOD this Skywalker already hates slavery and if we don’t get out of here I’ll kill the kid myself.

Obi doesn’t… kill the Hutts but he defeats them all and you know it’s even more suave and Cool than when Luke does it twenty years later. He just takes over and sends the Hutts to become regular citizens. He maybe chops a couple limbs/tails off, but he’s got a wailing baby on one arm, a long line of tragedies in his heart, and not a whole lot of patience left. By the time he and Rex free all the sentients and get out, the palace is on fire and he doesn’t look back as he cradles baby Luke under his cloak (now a bit tattered at the hem) and takes him to Owen and Beru.

He liberates all of Tatooine from slavery but he’s smart so he just uses the Hutt money to free all the slaves instead of freeing them by force. At some point he realizes he’s Ruling Tatooine now so he makes slavery illegal. The previously rich slave owners are now significantly less rich and there’s a lot more gainful employment on the planet.

Anyway so now Obi Wan rules Tatooine and has given tiny Luke to Owen and Beru, but he’s bored in the palace alone (he’s not been without companionship like…ever) and Rex can only do so much. Rex is grieving and getting old too and deserves a life of his own. He helps Obi rule Tatooine tho bc Rex’s face gets him in trouble, you know, since he’s got the clone face, so he can’t exactly be anonymous anymore.

Obi hangs out with Luke all the time and Luke LOVES him and pulls his floofy hair and beard constantly, and by the time he’s three, he follows Obi Wan everywhere. Rex knows to wait up for Luke because the kid will inevitably escape his aunt and uncle and find Obi Wan, even with express instructions to stay put. Even when Obi Wan is nowhere near the old Hutt palace (now Obi Wan’s base of operations) Luke just always unerringly finds him. It must be the Force Rex thinks, setting aside some blue milk for the little one.

Obi Wan eventually starts thinking beyond Tatooine and starts to run missions to protect force sensitives and to keep the empire from being too invested in the Outer Rim

Meanwhile Ahsoka has become Fulcrum and is running midrim missions….

Kanan and Hera are meeting somewhere on the other end of the outer rim and running their own missions….

Eventually Obi Wan’s crew and Fulcrum have a run in, and Ahsoka first only meets Rex and she’s like OMG REX REX REX REX UR ALIVE OMG I MISSED YOU

But then OBI WAN COMES OUT OF THE SHIP and she runs and hugs him too and the very first thing he says to her is I’m sorry. He’s talking about everything - not standing up for her against the Council, not being more present for her before and after, for failing Anakin and as a result the whole Galaxy, for- well. Obi Wan blames himself for a great many things, though he’s approaching the place in his life where he’s starting to let go of it all and Live His Life.

He’s so happy to find out she’s alive and it helps him a lot to know that maybe his failing her helped her to escape Order 66. She’s overjoyed that he’s here and alive and well (mostly well) and she doesn’t even have an iota of resentment left in her, she’s missed him so much.

While they’re talking, Luke holos Obi Wan, pouting as he says Where Are You I Don’t Feel You On Tatooine >:( :’(

Ahsoka sees him and she knows immediately. Luke’s :( expression is deeply familiar. What’s unfamiliar to Ahsoka is how attached and outwardly affectionate Obi Wan is with this kid, and Ahsoka smiles bc she thinks Obi Wan has learned a lot.

She asks what happened to Anakin though, bc she doesn’t Know. Obi Wan can’t bear to tell her so he just tells her what he tells Luke in ANH, that Vader killed Anakin. She’s upset to hear it because seeing Obi Wan alive gave her hope, but she’s been dealing with the pain and loss of thinking Anakin dead for a long time now, so it’s not new.

She just says that Luke is lucky to have Obi Wan, just like Luke’s sister is lucky to have Bail. Obi Wan is a little taken aback but kind of unsurprised that she guessed. Especially when Ahsoka’s stowaway appears from somewhere in the depths of the banged up freighter and wraps an arm around Ahsoka’s knee, looking up at Obi Wan with the same assessing stare that Padme turned on him the first time they met. Obi Wan smiles widely at her, informing her that he’s a friend of her parents, and hers too if she’d like. Leia, with all the gravitas that a five year old could possess, agrees, and tells him that she likes his swishy hair and bandana. Ahsoka is overcome, laughing because this is pretty much how every sentient has always reacted to Obi Wan Kenobi.

By the time Luke is seven he’s stowed away on Obi Wan’s ship so many times that Rex (who has the biggest soft spot for General Skywalker’s frankly adorable child) just knows to pack extra rations and starts teaching Luke how to defend himself. Obi Wan tries to protest that his missions are really far too dangerous for a child, but he loves having Luke around, so he gives in. He sort of ends up raising Luke himself, and is frankly the kind of doting father he always wanted to be now that he doesn’t have Yoda and the Council telling him off for his attachments.

Leia has been learning as much from Ahsoka as she is from her mother and father, poised and brilliant even as a child. She and Luke meet every now and then, and Obi Wan and Ahsoka take both of them to Jedha together to find kyber crystals for their sabers (Leia gets two; she prefers Jar’Kai, while Luke prefers the defensive Soresu). Both kids are very careful not to use these sabers in public with Imperial presence always watching, knowing that it’s dangerous to be Force Sensitive with Inquisitors and Darth Vader scouring the Galaxy.

Obi Wan becomes a real force of annoyance for the Empire, but so far from anything Important, way out on Tatooine, they mostly leave this ridiculous pirate well enough alone. They do keep a running tally of his misdeeds though. They’ll arrest him one day…

He saves the ruler of a nearby system, and the man is so overcome with gratitude (and thirst. Of course there’s thirst) that he gifts Obi Wan a moon. Obi Wan just smiles, dimples showing and hair flopping as he bows in thanks and the man almost throws in a whole planet too.

(Later the man defends himself to his advisers, Have you seen that guy? The swishy hair and the non-regulation blaster and the flirting! You too would want to give him the moon!)