#i tried Bumble before it felt very straight. i tried Tinder and it was just utterly useless for 3 years

[mejomonster]

Okay what dating app are the queer people on? Ideally with some single ppl looking for relationships

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

every time I remember you, I regret not writing to you more often. So, here I am again. There are so many things on my mind ... but as I am typing, I know one thing I can start with, or more like dedicate this whole letter to. I think it's a good time to write everything down here and now – to you. It’s  personal, I hope no one I know ever find this, the chances are zero, but even if, it doesn’t matter anyways. So, it will be a long letter, you’re warned!

It started in fall, one and a half years ago, when I was at a friends place. She had invited some friends over to hang out in the evening. Another friend of a friend was also coming, he wasn’t there yet and I didn’t know him, just his name from stories. So we were sitting in the room, playing something as he also arrives. The moment he entered the room, I knew. Normally I don’t „sense“ the energy someone brings or something like that, but in this moment, I just felt I would like him. I felt we would get along. And I wasn’t wrong.

We all continued to play and chat, I didn’t talk to him directly that evening, just within the group. One time someone said something and he responded, the answer he gave, the words he chose and how he pronounced them were exactly what I was thinking and how I would’ve responded myself. There is this quote I read some months ago, it’s about how with so many people on this planet, it’s no coincidence that others are thinking the same, but it’s still a fucking wonder to meet someone who says what you are thinking. But I didn’t know this quote back then, I just sat there and felt it’s immensity. The next really weird thing, well, one of the thirst things I noticed probably, he looked and spoke just like him. With him I mean the one (and to this day still the only) person I was „lovestroke“ for. Really, if you could see them both, you wouldn’t believe it either. With the difference, that he was not only cuter, but also the fact that he was in that room and friends with my friends, what meant that we two might actually have things in common. Kind of unreal! For a moment I also thought: How come y’all never introduced us? Isn’t it obvious we are alike, or might be? How could we know our friends for years but our paths never crossed? Of course everyone only has their lives on mind, but this just crossed my mind in an egocentric flash. Well on this evening, we all didn’t stay long. When I walked home I checked to find his social media, but his account was private and I didn’t send a request. Shortly after when I came home I got a notification and saw that he followed me.

After that night – nothing really happened. Not nothing, we sometimes texted a bit. We skipped smalltalk, just talked about music and stuff, but like I said, not much. Once he told some personal things. Nothing more. There were a lot of other things going on in my life and it just got less.

Many weeks later when I hung out with two of the friends who also know him, they mentioned his name, then looked meaningful at each other. When I looked confused, one friend told me the two of them hooked up, but it was clear she wasn’t positive about it or him. She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to come across interested.

Let’s fast forward several months. It was summer and our mutual friend asked me if I’d be down to go swimming the next day. I said yes and got to hers in the morning and she suddenly said we’ll drive to his and pick him up because he’ll be coming as well. I literally went „!“ inside. So we got there and picked him up. Everything was normal, we met other friends and went swimming. Before that I wasn’t sure how it will be, if I’d still get this feeling, or do I just like him friendship-wise? But this afternoon let no doubt. It was a crush. We talked a bit and also I recognised that he looked at me sometimes. I was sure I wasn’t just imagining.

A month later a big group of friends went on holidays together for a week, including me and him. One night when just the two of us were outside and talking I regretted everything later in bed because I thought I messed it up by not talking much and when saying the wrong things and so on. But then, one night, he slept in my room and we finally hooked up. Also the next day in the bathroom. On our way home we also cuddled in the car and when we said goodbye we said we’ll see each other. Usually, after a week with many people I’d want to chill, but I immediately had the urge to see him again the moment I sat down on my bed. We texted and set up a date a few days later. I couldn’t wait.

We met and went on a hill to watch the sunset. We made out and walked around. It never felt so right for me to hold someones hand publicly. I also told him I would leave for a while, in a month. Before we said goodbye, we talked. I was kind of an idiot because I overshared, and lowkey told him I like him, which I regretted later. When I walked home that night I remember smiling like a dumbass. When I thought about him, I had to smile. Never had I thought that this can be true, that you just have to smile and can’t fight it. So weird. Felt like I was micro dosing molly for a week straight.

Anyways. Then the trouble began. Nothing big in the beginning, but it was very hard to set up dates with him in general and when we were about to meet again he cancelled right before. It wasn’t like when you make plans with someone and they then can’t make it and you’re fine with it, because I was actually sad about it. Also it felt more like it was due to his mismanaged time and that it wasn’t as much as a priority for him. When I saw him in person I felt like he reciprocated everything, which I also never experienced like this. So I was confused. Then I straight up texted if he wants to see me again, or not really? Something that I would have never done that quickly anytime before, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up and was running out of time before I was leaving. He replied that I got it wrong, he really wants to see me again.

And we saw each other again. I went to his place. There was a bit of a fog over it in the beginning, but i eventually passed and we hooked up. I slept there. The next day, he brought me to the train. I think we even kissed as goodbye. He said he would like to do this again, I replied I’d love to. This was the last time I saw him for about a year.

I texted the next days for new plans, nothing came out of it. So I decided to wait for him to ask the next time. I waited 7 days. I almost went mad. It was his birthday in between and I decided not to text him, would’ve been weird. I texted a friend, who's also friends with him and asked if I could meet her. We met and I told her pretty much the whole story. She listened the whole time and asked things in between. Then she said she knows the reason he didn’t reach out. He has another girl and is really in love. I started crying in the middle of the street.

He would have never told me, called, texted or just anything. I was hurt by that. My friend said she would talk to him and hint that he should tell me. And he actually texted me a few days later if I would want to meet „to talk“. I agreed. When he finally responded he postponed the meet up again. I couldn't wait another several days for a conversation that he might reschedule again. It was clearly not important to him at all. I said we should just drop it. That’s was it. No final talk.

Months later, when I was back in town, I saw him on Bumble. I asked my friend about it, but she said it’s weird since she still has his girlfriend. Then I see him on Tinder with an up to date profile. In my mind-delusion I assumed they might actually not date anymore and my friend just doesn’t know yet. Then I saw him again for the first time since everything at a party. He talked to me normally, like nothing happened. Some days later I ask friends why he is on Tinder when he still has a girlfriend. For some reason a part of me expected to hear „oh yeah they broke up“, but no, they told me they both are on there to meet „friends“. I let my illusions go and tried to accept everything as it was.

The funny thing is, I started the draft to this story some days ago. Wanted to write it down to be finished with it and let it go once and for all. Since then I found out they broke up. But this doesn’t mean anything now. I accepted that there will be nothing serious between us, or, at least, I am on the best way to it. I will see him again, because of our mutual friends. So we’ll see how I will do.

I just rarely had such a vibe with someone and it's hard to let that go, you know? Meeting someone you could actually fit together with, someone you feel like you can be authentically yourself in front of at some point, ... it basically never happens. It would have been easier to let it go if he would have been honest and told me in a last talk. Of course, in the beginning I would have been sad as well, but eventually, there is less potential to obsess when it feels finished. And doing the correct thing is what stays, I'm not just saying that, you know I really do appreciate it. Still don't know if I should be angry or just forgive by myself, without ever bringing it up again.

That’s all about this story for now.

I really hope you are good.

Love,

ZL

[finding-my-words-blog]

entry #1: the beginning

1-27-19

why must our lives be defined by our failures?

why is my self worth measured less because I failed at a certain task? failure isn’t something to look down upon, failure is not something to be ashamed of. and somehow, through the ages, it has turned into something so incredibly wicked that one would rather die than admit to failing.

i can remember the first time I let failure affect my life, I was eight years old when I was enrolled in a Tap class at my local dance studio. i loved dance, everything from the music to the costumes and the way it felt to perform in front of an audience. the experience was thrilling and so rewarding that it made my soul set fire. the next year, i enrolled again and this time adding another class to my schedule, Jazz. now, there was a good amount of students in both of my classes, but a set of siblings were in my tap class, and they were the real stars of this story. they were nimble and quick on their feet, outshining the rest of the students in the class. it created a very... well, negative aura in the classroom whenever they were asked to present a new step, they excelled and applause rung like church bells after a funeral. they were heavy and drenched in sorrow, everyone wishing it had been them who had been chosen. i will admit, I was never the kid that practiced days on end to perfect a certain move. but the love i felt for dance was as pure as it comes, to this day I still feel the call. but that one Tap class, seemed to poison my interest.

it was because I was afraid of failure, because I had already marked myself as someone less than who I really was. all due to jealousy and maybe even a bit of laziness, I knew I could never measure up to those siblings who made dance seem like a competition. i went through six more years of dance with that same fear and self doubt, eventually leading to my decision to quit, because i could never be as good as those siblings. 

now, as a twenty year old student with a part time job in Retail, I’ve realized that there is a lot more pressure placed upon my shoulders than when I was a kid. 

TO DO LIST:

find a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend

get a degree

pay rent

lose weight

hang with friends

find a job

keep a clean house

save for retirement

have a nice car

be beautiful

be mentally stable

have babies

the list can fluctuate by person, but all of it is generally the same. so many things and so many place to fail.

for some reason, society has decided that however well you do on these tasks defines your self worth.

and that’s a load of bullshit.

because I cannot find a boyfriend, that makes me less of a person?

how did that become the rule?

i have always wanted someone to call my own, but I wish it was as easy as it sounds. tinder, meet.me, match, bumble, etc. whatever platform you can think of, I’ve tried it and failed. knowing that I have failed in every platform creates this uncertainty in myself that has been eating away at me for years now. so many people my age are on their third, fourth, fifth(?) boyfriend and I haven’t even had one? that’s something that festers in my mind every day, it’s not like I’m getting any younger, and while I still have time, I don’t want to be thirty and still looking for my special someone.

“put yourself out there!”

“you never talk to boys, you just need to stop being so shy!”

“have you even tried?”

“at least I talk to them.”

these phrases hurt more than people know. questioning one’s effort at something they’ve wanted their entire life, is the most insulting thing someone could say. (and if you can’t relate it to finding a romantic partner, try your dream career or any life goal really)

it begins to stir a thought around in your mind:

“no matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.”

holy shit. did that hurt to write into words.

but let me set one thing straight, I’m using this phrase FOR REAL. not as some sappy pinterest quotes that you’ve seen a million times on your dashboard. this is so strong and so real, that it questions everything you are. everything that you think life is supposed to be and your place in it. it puts you in such a state of mind that is almost paralyzing. you feel this deep tug in your chest that feels like your heart is slowly turning into stone, so heavy and deadly that you almost feel like exploding just to make it stop.

failure is... 

deadly

sour

crippling

immobilizing

human.

never forget that you, yourself, are perfectly and utterly human.

now, I could insert a quote about how many time Thomas Edison failed to make the light bulb before he got it right but I’m not Benjamin Gates, and I’m not here to make everything in life be alright.

the real reason that I’m writing these entries is that I needed some place to write my crazy thoughts and views on the world. i needed the one thing that I cannot afford in my present financial standing,

a therapist.

[illgiveyouahint]

It's 2AM where I am and I'm tired but I think I should write this to put an end of it all, and maybe see what you think or how you interpret it. When I was 12 I had a crush on two boys (fun fact they were best friends, than all through high school I didn't really crush on anyone (I think I must have been 16 when I got my first celebrity crush which was sexual - Jensen Ackles if you must know). Around 17 I developed a crush on a girl (emotionally), and someone who who became a friend of mine 1/?

was 21-22 I was overseas and I met this guy one night and he seemed quite handsome and into the things that I was into, so I kind of was attracted to him and my friend was like he's totally into you after we left, but before I could get to him he was gone! Then earlier this year I met a girl who I knew from school (different one) and I'm not sure but I think I am into her but we live in different cities so it'd be kind of hard, but what I'm saying is I think I kind of find tinder/bumble hard.

I've never have been attracted to random people e.g. there was this guy crazy girl at school (think Vilde but instead minus all the good things about her), and I remember one time she was trying to set me up with someone a few times and it was really annoying because I don't get why or how people can do that? As in be attracted to someone on a first basis. I mean there are people I see on the street and I think they're handsome or beautiful but idk I feel like I have to get a vibe first.

I'm not sure what it is, and sometimes I just wonder what it is. I like to say I like the wine and not the label as I think that fits me the best. (and also irl speaking I am very particular about the type of wine I like). I feel like I can't just hook up with someone based on how they look (or maybe I can, I just have very very high standards). Eitherway my identity in that regard has always been very ambigious, and it's never helped I guess that I've never been in a relationiship which I might add I have been shamed for twice now in my experience e.g. someone asking me if I lost my virginiity and than saying that I don't seem like someone who has their virginity (that was a guy btw) and then some girl who I thought was my friend saying I am 'pure'. I could go on a rant about that but that just seems off topic for now. All I am saying is that it's been 6 years since I've felt not straight but not gay, bi, queer or whatever and I'm okay wiith that but sometimes it'd label on it..I met someone who says their a certain sexuality, and all I can think is that good for them ❤️ .

Oh anon,

I feel for you. Sexuality (and gender) is so confusing sometimes. I didn't realise my sexuality until I was like 23. And now I'm the president of a queer association. who would have thought, huh?

I would tell you to take a deep breath and relax but I know from my experience that doesn't always work. Sometimes you really wanna have a clear answer and it's just so frustrating when you don't have it. And when you add asexuality/aromanticism to the mix it's just a whole mess. I am confident in my bi identity but I also sometimes wonder if I perhaps lie somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum. I also don't have much experience to sort of prove it one way or the other. what I've learned is to just try to let go of those ideas and labels and all of that pressure that other people put on you. Because these labels, these identities - they're created to help you. If none of them fit you, none of them feel right then they don't help you. You don't have to use them. I know plenty of people who I know fall somewhere in the rainbow family but they don't label it. They just know they're not allo/cis/het and leave it at that. I also know people who have pretty much tried every single letter in LGBTQIA+ alphabet. It's okay to not be sure. It's okay to try different labels to see if they feel right and it's also okay to not have labels. You can just say you're not straight and leave it at that. You also don't have to talk about it. Or do talk about it. It's entirely up to YOU and how you wanna approach it. Fuck everyone else you know. Also, virginity as a concept is such bullshit and I can't wait till we as a society decide to get rid of that.

Also you not wanting to bang a random person? wanting a connection first? Trust me that's actually quite common and normal (what is normal? normal doesn't exist. anyway). Don't think that what you see on tv is how it is in real life. There are countless people in their 20s who haven't had a relationship. There's countless who didn't have sex at any stage in life really. This emphasis on sex and relationships...as if that was the only way to have a meaningful life. It isn't. 

So you know I'm very much a proponent of hey if it happens it happens (with any gender for you), if not the world doesn't end. Create meaningful relationships with people around you because despite what the media tells you the world doesn't circle around romantic relationships as much as you'd think.

Sorry idk if any of this is helpful and I might be projecting bit too much into you since my experience is quite similar to yours but I hope at least some of it helps and if not then forget I ever said anything 😅

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

12 people explain their dating app allegiances

In our Love App-tually series, Mashable shines a light into the foggy world of online dating. Just in time for cuffing season.

On dating apps, people's intentions and objectives vary wildly, which is partially why they're a breeding ground for disappointment. But sometimes — and yes, this has happened — someone uses a dating app and thinks, "Wow, that was not so bad."

We asked 12 people to explain why they love (or at least tolerate) their favorite dating app. Spoiler: Despite the corny questions, a surprising number of people love Hinge. The interviews below have been edited and condensed for clarity.

Lara, 39

Favorite app: Tinder

Why? I am 39 and I know how hard it is to meet people. The reason I prefer Tinder is mainly due to volume. You will find more people on there than any other app or site, at least in my city. Tinder is also great when traveling. I’ve made some romantic connections as well as friends that I still communicate with. I have used Bumble, OKCupid, and Hinge and I found myself deleting these apps after a month.

Charlotte, 22

Favorite app: Hinge

Why? I feel like I can take [Hinge] so much more seriously as a dating app than I can an app like Tinder. I feel Tinder has a "hookup culture" stigma that's hard to get around, and Hinge provides you with more ice breaker questions to help spark a conversation or [discover] a common interest.

Adam, 41

Favorite app: OKCupid

Why? I'm happily married now and haven't used a dating app in 5-plus years. The big thing that set OKC apart from other options when I was a user: It was free. But this was before a lot of advances in dating services. Tinder didn't launch until 2012, and by that time I was invested enough in using OKC that it never occurred to me to try a different app. 

I'd like to tell you that OKC's percentage match [algorithm], questions, and personality quizzes kept me there, but honestly ... it was the free thing that kept me there.

Vicky, 27

Favorite app: Tinder

Why? It's the original “I don’t have the time to waste energy on people who don't find me physically attractive” app. I also believe people go on the app without a set idea of what they want overall, so the idea of a date and one-nighter is attractive and effortless. But that doesn’t mean everyone is opposed to relationships of growing from the first encounter.

SEE ALSO: I don't miss being single, but I do miss swiping

Lisa, 32

Favorite app: Bumble

Why? I am on Bumble and Hinge. Bumble has been my go-to for quite some time mainly because the quality of men I find on Bumble seem (key word: seem) to be more along the lines of what I am looking for and now with the options that Bumble provides i.e. height, religion, reasons for being on the app, etc. No success yet, but I know friends that have had success so ... I'm still keeping the faith.

Abby, 24

Favorite app: Hinge

Why? I pretty much only use Hinge now. I have tried almost all of them: Tinder at one point in college, Bumble, OKCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel .... I found that Tinder was mainly for hook-ups and while I liked that guys were less grimy on Bumble, I’m pretty shy so I didn’t like that I had to be the one to initiate conversation. (Editor's Note: Women seeking men must message first on Bumble; for women seeking women, that rule goes away.) 

And then I found that CMB and OKCupid were just not as user friendly. I didn’t love the app experience and it seemed like most people were just looking for hook-ups there too. What I like about Hinge is that it’s not just driven by people’s pictures. When you build your profile, you’re forced to answer a series of questions — anything from your favorite movie to your best travel story or dream dinner guest. They’re all good questions because the responses give you a sense of who the person is and their interests. 

Sarah, 27

Favorite app: Bumble

Why? I met my now-fiancé on Bumble. I liked that I had the power to choose who I talked to. I was tired of getting cornered by creepy men at bars who wouldn't take a hint, but I was too nice to just walk away. (In hindsight, I should have!) Bumble allowed me to never feel obligated to talk to anyone just because they initiated a conversation with me.

Diana, 26

Favorite app: Hinge

Why? Hinge is by far the best for a long-term relationship. I met my current partner on there and have been with him for a year. I used every dating app out there and met, like, three new guys per week for about two years. The creepiest, worst dates I had all came from Bumble, and so many people ghosted from Coffee Meets Bagel.

[Hinge] isn't swipe-style like Tinder or Bumble. People upload pictures and answer icebreakers and you have the chance to comment on those ... you can't just send a message like "hey." You can also filter based on whether the person drinks, smokes, wants kids, does drugs ... so you can rule out people who don't fit your values.

Ray, 30

Favorite app: Coffee Meets Bagel

Why? I personally like Coffee Meets Bagel because it’s not an endless cycle of swiping through uninterested prospects. It’s very casual [in tone], but catered more to individuals looking for actual dates/relationships rather than just a hookup. In comparison to the other apps/sites, I think there is a better quality of men on CMB. Only issue I have: Their messaging app is extremely subpar, doesn’t load correctly and messages don’t send.

Amanda, 27

Favorite app: Bumble

Why? I guess I am biased towards Bumble because it is where I met my boyfriend, but I like it for several reasons.  

I like that the app was made by a woman. It always gave me peace of mind when I remembered the creators had similar needs and experiences.  

I also like that I was forced to be the instigator. I’m not usually one to go out and start a conversation, so that little push was nice. Finally, I like that it only gives you 24 hours to send a text before you lose a match. I have spent so long in match purgatory on other apps. This one actually forces you to put yourself out there.

Heather, 35

Favorite app: OKCupid

Why? It was the writer's dating app. If you were one of those people who relied on clever copy than, say, photos, OKCupid was your site. Some of my best material was in my 2009 dating profile. RIP.

Elisha, 30

Favorite app: Hinge

Why? I felt like the people on Hinge were more likely to be looking for a serious relationship. Rather than just flipping through photos, I liked that I also got an insight into their personalities straight away — from the questions they chose to the answers they gave.

I also really liked that I could see their political affiliation, religious beliefs, if they drank, smoked, or did drugs, etc. because those can be real deal-breakers, but awkward questions to ask on a first or even a second date.

So when I matched with people, it was nice to know that we had some of the 'big things' in common right from the get-go, rather than investing in them through chatting or even meeting IRL only to be massively disappointed by something.

More from Love App-tually

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[socialattractionuk]

Too hot to date: Is online dating harder for good-looking men?

(Picture: Erin Aniker for Metro.co.uk)

Dating when you’re a hot 10/10 bloke can be hard.

It may not sound like the most tear-jerking plight but research from Oxford University has found that men who consider themselves a 10/10 receive fewer messages than men who view themselves as an average-looking 5/10.

Michael Sullivan, a 27-year-old business development manager from Greenwich who sees himself a perfect ten, ‘or close’, has struggled with online dating.

‘I get attention from women in real life, but hardly anything online,’ he tells Metro.co.uk.

‘I think sometimes women think that because you’re attractive you won’t be interested in them. They prefer to go for guys they see as a safer bet.

Michael believes the issue is common due to a widespread problem among women of insecurity and poor self-image.

‘I think a lot of women are insecure these days, because there’s so much pressure from social media to look good and be perfect. Women don’t feel confident enough to message good-looking guys.

‘Sometimes online dating feels hopeless,’ Michael added. ‘It feels like no one will give you a chance.’

The Oxford University findings came from analysis of the habits of more than 150,000 straight daters over a ten-year period on dating site, Eharmony. Coming to a similar conclusion as Michael, lead researcher, Taha Yasseri, professor of Computational Social Science, believes that women feel intimidated by men they view as extremely good-looking.

He said: ‘They might think that they have little chance in relation to those people compared to someone who is good looking but not 10/10.

‘It also has to do with the self-esteem of the person who is checking the profile. They might think, “I am not that good looking and if I take someone who is much better than me, I might have issues, I might be worried about the faithfulness of my partner”.’

Urszula Makowska, a 24-year-old blogger from New York, has used Tinder and Bumble and admits she is put off when a guy is a 10/10.

Urszula Makowska is wary of very attractive men online (Picture: Urszula Makowska)

She tells us: ‘If he is a 10/10, I tend to not show interest because I assume he is too good for me and that he is too perfect. I get worried that this person might be too cocky or too much into themselves or might have the wrong intentions.

‘My automatic thoughts are “wow! He is a great looking guy”, but then I come to a conclusion that he is too perfect and I get worried he might be too much into himself or that he may have the wrong intentions. I also worry he may be just another catfish and I lose interest.’

Amy Sutton, a PR professional from Odiham, tried all the apps before finding her partner and said she had similar feelings when she saw a profile of a perfect ten.

She said: ‘I’d probably not message or add a really good-looking guy. I’d assume they were probably inundated with messages and out of my league or that they might be arrogant.’

When swiping right, Amy says she was attracted to ‘humour and warmth’ rather than traditional good looks.

‘They would have to look natural and happy with themselves,’ she explained. ‘Not posing or trying too hard. Humour and warmth are essential. Nothing worse than someone who uses a profile as a gallery of their abs or showing how “cool” they are.’

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Average guys may seem more approachable to women like Urszula and Amy, but not all attractive guys feel the odds are stacked against them in online dating.

Max, a 24-year-old account manager from Croydon told us: ‘I don’t think it has any effect at all if I’m honest with you, we live in age where people are pretty switched on that no one is going to look 100% like their pictures. Plus women in 2018, I think are past looks.

‘Don’t get me wrong everyone loves an absolute weapon but you can’t just be a gravitational puller that expects people to flock to you, especially online. You need substance to get anywhere.

‘I have three sisters though, so on top of looks it’s always good to have an idea of what women might want to hear.’

Not all guys who consider themselves average-looking feel that online dating works in their favour.

Max Adamski is the co-founder of new dating app JigTalk – an app he was inspired to create because he felt disadvantaged in the dating game due to his looks, which he considers average.

Max Ademski, co-founder of JigTalk, created a dating app that focuses less on looks and more on personality (Picture: Max Ademski)

When two people match on the app, which is designed to build connections based more on personality than appearance, each person’s face is covered in jigsaw pieces, and as the pair talk, the jigsaw pieces disappear to reveal the face underneath.

Max said: ‘I was using Tinder, and, like many friends of mine, I was ruthlessly disposed of due to face value on countless occasions.

‘A lot of time invested – very few matches, zero dates. The vast majority of women on Tinder will no doubt find that every time they swipe right, they get a match, which then makes them overly picky to avoid the congestion of their matches list.

‘Too many guys swipe yes, yes, yes without looking.’

Max may have created his app to reinforce the message that it’s ‘what’s on the inside that counts’, but if the research of Oxford University is anything to go by, such a sentiment may benefit all, from the average to the very good-looking. Maybe it’s time we all stop judging a book by its cover.

MORE: Can sliding into the DMs ever lead to a relationship? These sliders insist it can

MORE: What happened when I tried to meet someone using vegan dating apps

MORE: Is ball pit speed-dating a good way to meet your match?

[datingadviceonreddit]

My entire life, I've never been in a successful Relationship, not even with my family; I come from an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household with parents that went through a terribly messy divorce that had myself and my siblings being dumped with the fallout of the mess of emotionally incapable parents and their heaps of shit. Not to mention, my life outside of home was awful between people at school and otherwise; but those aren't stories for here.The fact of the matter is, despite the mental health issues I have, the trauma, and the contant stress from my family I try my best not to let it make me pessimistic, I feel it would be a truly sad day when I completely lose my ability to trust people. My problem is, thanks to my past with my family and whatnot I have A difficult time expressing myself, a buddy of mine said "I love you, man" just in a pretty casual way when I saw him at a birthday party recently and I couldn't even bring myself to say it back, I just skirted around it with sarcasm.Sorry for the tirade so far, I think I have A habit of trying to give too much context. In regards to relationships I don't even know if I can properly say I've have anything last long enough to be called one, I've had girls show interest in me then do a 180 and block me on every form of communication possible then go around telling lies about me to people; I've been ghosted so many times, had girls string me along, had pity dates, you name it. Last year one of my best friends was single so I felt that I should tell her how I felt, but told her we'd move at her pace because it was a long relationship she'd gotten out of a couple months prior. She proceeded to string me along for weeks and weeks while going behind my back with another guy, I always figured that's what was happening but I knew her so well and trusted her very deeply so I figured she wouldn't do anything like that to me. After a while, I finally tried to talk to her because letting her be the one to do the communicating meant none of it was happening; lo and behold, everything I had been fretting about was true. I had just put the second of my two dogs down, and with my family past those two meant more than anything to me, a friend of mine had just killed themself, and I was in the 4th year of my degree realizing that I had spent the last several years wasting my time at an institution that had failed to teach me anything. I got closer than I probably have ever been to killing myself after all of that.Since then I've had a lot of ups and downs, but mostly downs, I feel like the man I once was is dead, I've gone from extroverted to extremely introverted, my anxiety gets so bad sometimes I have A hard time speaking without a severe stutter. I've been managing medication and seeing my doctor regularly, my weekly appointments are the only thing I leave the house for at this point. Recently I had been feeling better, and I thought I might be able to finally start steering my life in the right direction; a girl I had a massive crush on in high school just moved back to my city and I thought maybe I should try to pursue the old flame, she was always so Kind, and had the most beautiful beaming smile which always got me, I thought if I'd be able to have a health relationship with someone it would be her. I contacted her a number of days ago, being frank and asking her out, just to something casual; I know she's seen it because it's told me so, and yet, I've gotten no response.I have to ask myself after all of these failed attempts: is it actually me? I don't go up to a girl I think is cute and confess my undying love, I like to think I can at least string together a decent conversation and know not to come on too strong; but I feel like the common denominator is me at this point, and thusly, I'm tired of trying. I've never been a big social media/app type guy and since I don't usually hear good things about tinder/bumble I haven't bothered. At this point I figure I can't lose the race if I never enter.With my adhd, my anxiety and all else my mind tends to fill in the blanks, usually with worst case scenarios, and I have a habit of being too hard on myself in everything I do, which I know doesn't help, and I know a lot of people will say I need to sort myself out before going into a relationship; I just feel so lonely and bereft of proper companionship and compassion I just thought if I could be with someone I knew cared about me it would make everything so much better, unfortunately it mostly just gives me false hope and caused me to put people on a pedestal, which makes it that much harder when it inevitably crashes and burns.If you've made it this far I congratulate you for being so willing to read through all of this minutiae. Not sure if anything short of a straight jacket will ever help me, but maybe just venting is a good first step.Tl;Dr - bad past with family, never had a successful Relationship, not good at expressing myself, and don't know how to navigate relationships/dating with females because it's always gone so badly and I've been treated very poorly by those I trusted. Recently asked out an old flame thinking things would be different, wasn't at all, ghosted, and now I'm considering just giving up on the whole thing. via /r/dating_advice

[datingadviceonreddit]

I am a 30 year old male. I was on and off involved with a woman several years my senior for several years who was, for lack of a better term, not nice to me. 5'4" and about 275 lbs. She attempted to control my every move, restrict who I could hang out with, expected me to move in with her to pay her bills, didn't work for years, would break plans with me on a moments notice, or just not bother to break them and then go dark on me when it was too late to do anything else to ensure that I wouldn't see anyone else.My friends have all told me to get away from her. "You can do so much better!" "C'mon man, she's so beneath you, and she's ugly. You're a good looking guy. Why are you settling for someone who looks like crap and treats you like shit?"Honestly, I don't disagree with them. I absolutely believe that I deserve better than the way that she treated me. The problem is that I have found it so difficult to meet anyone else. My friends honestly believe that I'm not trying anything to meet people. The truth is I've tried several things, and each time the results have been so embarrassing, I haven't told anyone except a select few. My female friends have such a skewed view on how online dating works for guys. They think that I must have 10 matches a day, whereas I'm lucky if I ever get any.-OKCupid: Tried it for six months. Did it free at first and tried a paid account for a bit. Went on one date and she barely looked at me the whole time. Sent a lot of messages, few were ever returned.-Tinder: Max out my swipes every day, maybe had three matches that weren't bots trying to get me to pay for a cam site. And I don't think people realize how discouraging that is. One of my female friends said to me, "So what? You figure out it's a bot, block it, and then just go to one of your other matches. I had like 3 this hour. I've got a date with a doctor tomorrow and an attorney the next day." I responded to her, "Yeah, that was my only match this week. So think about this scenario, you go out with the lawyer and while you're sitting at dinner, he starts trying to get you to hire him. You want to get to know him, but it becomes clear the only reason he asked you out is because he wants you to give him a retainer. How would that make you feel?" She said it wouldn't happen, but it's really the best way I can describe how it felt.-Match.com: I paid for a six month subscription. I got six months free because nobody responded to the messages I sent over the course of six months. Let that sink in, nobody responded. This is one of the ones I definitely do not tell a lot of people.-Bumble: Just got this one at the beginning of the week. Have not gotten a single match. I would say I haven't gotten any messages, but it hasn't gotten that far yet. I haven't even gotten a match. It showed me photos of several of my friends, some of whom are married, so I think it may be a scam.More than that, IRL it's difficult for me to approach someone. A little about me: I'm college educated, I have a good paying white collar job with my own office, I'm a volunteer EMT, I read a lot of books, I keep up on current popular TV shows, and in my group of friends, I'm the stable rock that everybody leans on. I'm usually the smartest person in the room.For some reason, however, this does not translate into attraction for women I encounter. My best friend is the same age as me. He is pretty much drunk all the time, doesn't work, doesn't drive, lives with his parents, and is always broke. Invariably when we hang out, women will go for him, date him for a month, realize there's nothing there, and then complain to me about how he turned out to be such a letdown. Yes, they know I warned them, but THEY were going to be the one to change him.He's encouraged me to do what he does, which translate into pickup artist tactics. While my goal isn't to just get women into bed, I have tried to incorporate some of his techniques into my flirting, and usually end up getting laughed at. "Ummm... yeah I'm good, thanks." More often than not, I see these women get involved with men using obvious PUA techniques and then acting shocked when no relationship comes of it and the guy sucks. Meanwhile I'm very straight up about who I am without bullshitting (not looking to just hookup, pay for the date, talk about non-physical things I recognize in the person) and I'm the one that they're cautious about.When I do take women out, I often get, "Well, you know I'm really not looking for anything serious, so let's just be friends for now, and see where things go." or they start pulling the fade on me. Constant flaking on plans, unavailability, and prioritizing other things over seeing me. I'm not an idiot, and I know those all translate into the same thing. I really hate my own generation, honestly, just come out and say you're not interested. Don't play games and waste my time because you're trying to spare my feelings or come off in a good way.Several of my friends are in and out of a relationship every week. I've advised them to get their own shit straight before bringing another person into their life, but they're so concerned with having someone in their life and then the're disappointed when it falls apart after a week. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't want to get involved with someone just for the sake of having someone. But I have my life together. I have a lot going for me, and I'm not getting any younger. It's frustrating to see people around me getting engaged, getting married, having kids, talking about how happy they are, when it's a struggle for me to even find someone who will have a cup of coffee with me.Some days I wonder if I really do deserve better than the woman I was involved with for years. Because people like her seem to be the only ones who stick around with me. Overweight, unambitious, abusive, and lazy. That's what I seem to attract the most.So far I've been told to get involved in the community, put myself out there, try online dating, ask her out the worst she can say is no, work on myself. I've done all of these things, and I haven't seen any significant peak in interest or improvement in my dating life.The rejection is hard after a while. Especially on the dating sites, when I found someone interesting and wrote them a personal message and never heard back (e.g. Oh wow, never thought I'd find someone else who read the * series of books! Are you excited for the next book next year? Always nice to find a fellow hiker too. Have you ever done the * trail? I was just up there this weekend doing an 8 mile hike.) And I try not to take it personally, but when I see some of the messages that girls get, "Hey sexi, tits plz," I feel like a loser because even being dramatically different than what they classify as creepy and inappropriate, I still get ignored. I know my friends mean well, but I feel like when they tell me to try online dating, I want to say, "Listen, that's essentially paying to get rejected. I'm having that done for free right now."I can't tell this to my friends, because I don't think any of them could even do anything to help, and most would just take it to be whining. I've told it to my therapist, and her only responses are, "Well how does that make you feel? How are you going to change that? How would you like to make that different?" Maybe I just needed to get this out, to feel like I'm not crazy for feeling this way. via /r/dating_advice