#i took an adderall hopefully i can start being productive soon but all i’m doing is shaking

[drella]

thinking abt homosexuality sobbing into my tomato soup rn #andy warhol

[heymacy]

where do you find the time and energy to not only start and complete TD but then immediately afterwards have another different au multi chapter ready to go with supplemental material? I write 5k a week and I'm exhausted doing just that and need another week to recover.

okay it’s time for Let’s Get Real with Macy 💛 aka the brutal honesty hour nobody asked for 😭

[cw: hypomania/bipolar depression]

while writing TD, i was very hypomanic. even though i didn’t receive my official bipolar diagnosis until last month, i’ve been dealing with it for my entire adult life. prior to my diagnosis, i was incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD (which has since been “reversed” so to speak) and was put on a stimulant to help with my executive dysfunction/inattentiveness (i was also still in school at this point which was the main reason for the meds). well, unbeknownst to me at the time, adderall can trigger manic + hypomanic episodes. who’d’a thunk it? so for the majority of TD, i was unreasonably productive and put out long ass chapters every two weeks because all i did was work + write while sleeping maybe 3 hours a night (i dropped out of school right before i started TD but that’s a whole other story). i got off the meds in July and lost all my motivation, which is why it took so long for chapters 8 & 9 to come out. i had to re-learn how to get myself to do shit, and to be honest, i’m still struggling with that. motivation doesn’t come easily to me and never has, but i’m also not currently medicated (i will be soon, hopefully) and in a bit of a uhhhhhhh Sad Place for the time being. i can only motivate myself to do shit i already want to do, which is hard when you can’t always choose what that is.

now mental health shit aside, i started working on TLO in march. which mean it’s been in development for almost six months. which is a LONG time for me to gather photos, make playlists, make edits, watch movies, compile lists, etc. films + television have been my main source of happiness, entertainment, & joy for the bulk of my life, so engaging with media is something i always enjoy. for a long time i tried to write stories about shit i didn’t actually care that much about, but when i started writing stories about the shit i love (music with TD, film with TLO) and finding a way to make it work for the characters, writing didn’t feel so much like work anymore. instead it felt like an escape. escapism is my primary coping mechanism (don’t worry my therapist approves lmao) and when i write, it feels like i’m escaping into another world. and i ONLY feel like that when i write about shit i care about. so that’s my best advice. write about shit you know and love, or write the shit YOU’D want to read or watch. that’s my biggest thing - if i wouldn’t wanna read it, i don’t wanna write it.

i think the most important thing to remember is that everyone has different abilities, circumstances, and motivations. i’m a hypocrite for saying this but please try not to compare yourself to anyone else when it comes to writing. i’m currently unemployed (my new jobs starts at the end of the month) and i literally don’t do anything because i’m terrified of covid and never leave my house (yes i’m vaccinated but i’m also immunocompromised + have a history of respiratory problems so i avoid the outside world like the plague, pun intended). so i probably have a lot more free time right now than most people. i don’t have many other hobbies, very few in-person friends because i moved to a new city right before the pandemic, and my wife works nights, so i write while they sleep. my life is very conducive to a productive writing schedule right now, but that hasn’t always been (nor will it always be) the case.

i wish i had better advice, or a better explanation, but i’m honestly just as confused about all of this as anyone else 🥺 but i’m always here to talk, or offer what little advice i do have, or be there to bounce ideas off of. writing is fucking hard and exhausting and beyond draining, but i think the payoff has always been worth it, and that’s what keeps me going 💛