#i told you it'd be long
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blessed be (lorscher bienensegen) | telling the bees (wiþ ymbe)
"Bees" [remixed, abridged], Claudia Emerson // "Letter to Someone Living Fifty Years from Now" [remixed. abridged], Matthew Olzmann // "Letter to my Great, Great Grandchild" [remixed, abridged], J.P. Grasser | Len Redkole, Nina Weiss, Brian Babineau, Christian Peterson, Mitchell Leff, Dave Isaac, Megan DeRuchie
#liv in the replies#if i were insane there would be an appendix to this called telling the bees however i finished this at 3am yesterday its nearly midnight &#my cutoff is when my ahl asg stream cuts. GOD by now i should know when i save a poem like hmm. not applicable but god it'd be perfect#THAT'S A CURSE. DON'T PUT IT IN THE DOCUMENT. DON'T SAVE IT. FORGET YOU READ IT. IT'S A CURSE!! <- things i should've told myself when i#went to read bees was already like 👀 &then the first line was FUCKING CLAUDE!!!!! anyway. sorry also this is like. insanely long but ALSO#regarding mf claude. the first picture is a leftover from the claude edit i made years ago so that feels GREAT and BEAUTIFUL & also for me#as ever y'all will be getting a full breakdown. starting with what i regularly have a breakdown about every time i see it which is joelle's#james 1:12 tattoo which if u use the king james version (gay) is blessed is he who perseveres under trial because having stood the test he#will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him. which i always go blessed is he who perseveres // for those who#love him. and that's joel. ignoring him getting it then getting sent down on his birthday IGNORING IT. also we know the frosty/maple leafs#hahaha fuck the flyers lore right? good. that's morgan and his dad also bc i love a baby picture & it was perfect. also the dave isaac pic#next was in an article talking about morgan 'stung' by draft camp. shut UP. i have an alt for tells him with claude and ALSO hate the#elephant w/phil bc myesie u fuckin leaf-eater (giraffe) but i love the composition of that jake shot & had to use it (it was also almost#tells him) with thylacine jakey frog nolan also raff the extinct whale bc i needed him here. if my editing on incapable of joy is bad no on#tell me i did some SHENANIGANS to put morgan in there & color-pick/alter his jersey. new skill. i think euphoria is one of my favorite for#the sake of pride night but ALSO that polaroid kills me very time &they're so stoners contemplate the universe but ALSO i love transcendenc#so that whole three photo string i think is my favorite. and i was in looking at these like listen okay it's okay there are only so many#photos in the world. you can repeat from others you've seen before. except ALSO there's so many of these freaks together do you separate#and every time i was like there can't be more there was more. don't ask the number of back-ups for the sweetest blossom/pinch/ruffle sets#okay also the ready to be stung one was a surprise favorite fit for me because i love that line but wasn't sure how to convey it? so it's o#i think with how morgan's face is and the almost of it all. yes joel hardest trier is in there purely for me i do have an alt but. how coul#u doubt him. insert sasha's tweet abt how much joel loves philly but all his quotes have been abt being excited for morgan to have a fresh#start. AND NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES IN CALGARY AND YOU'RE STILL INSEPARABLE god i literally googled frost farabee calgary to find the last#blessed [because. heard but not seen you know of everyone traded but you went together. not seen. (which ties into the terrible appendix)]#and IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE ME TWO MINUTES TO FIND THAT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEANNN anyway. sorry again it's so long & also i will be vanishing a wee#& a half after posting [redacted] is kicking my ass & im doing [redacted fun things WAIT ACTUALLY U CAN KNOW ONE i'm seeing hippo campus]#morgan frost#joel farabee#philadelphia flyers#calgary flames
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Were they in the hc at the same time? Was he hired before or after Nagant was sent to jail? Did they know each other or what. Actually, better and more realistic question: Did Mera know OF Nagant during the time she was a hero and, if so, did he know what happened?
#realistically i think mera would know about nagant and her being a hero#obvs i think nagant would Not know who he is#but i wonder how much is actually known throughout the hc#like do those who were around when nagant killed the chairman KNOW about it? or were all the details kept very hush hush?#do they believe the lie the chairwoman fed to the media OR do they all know the truth and are sworn to secrecy?#(i imagine it'd be more along the lines of 'we were told this thing from chairwoman who says its true#BUT there are rumours going around that its actually this. can't say anything about it anyway but there you go')#and - once again - was mera around during that time or what??#depends how long he's been at the hc really#bnha#hero commission#back on my bullshit ayy#mera yokumiru#lady nagant#hc trio#yes it goes in the tag#mettys posts#metty posts#bnha spoilers
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I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...
Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner
*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)
And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -
TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows
This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).
So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.
Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.
Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.
Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).
But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).
In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.
Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.
Now, doing the same thing for movies-
Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)
That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).
116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.
So, a for broader summary stuff..
I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.
If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.
ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.
I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0
#maybe this is my version of spotify wrapped lol.. Lifetime Media Google Doc Wrapped.. kind of.. except I'm not going over specific titles.#I can't do this with music since I rarely EVER look for new music or add to my Youtube To MP3 folder library as I just don't really#listen to music that often. When I'm working (the majority of when I seek background noise) I need like.. people's talking voices#for some reason. Just instruments and singing are not distracting enough to me to work as background noise because theyre#almost TOO in the background if that makes sense? like if I put music on then I just tune it out and it's virtually no different#than if I were daydreaming stream of consciousness thoughts in an entirely quiet room lol. And I can't really do it with books since#essentially 100% of what I read is non-fiction. usually about some specific subject or academic topic OR stuff like#1800s magazines or cookbooks or historical people's diaries. Which is not really.. the type of thing I would#rank as easily I guess? like 'ooh yeah putting the sociology textbook in my top 5 hee hee right next to the 1920s radio recipes book' lol.#Then for games... I just sadly dont play enough of them. I've been banned from new games as I've told myself I cant play anyting#long form (no rpgs or etc) until I actually finish MY OWN game first - to keep me from wasting time. so on average#I play... 0 new games a year. ToT... I do play the sims sometimes but that's really all (which is not a new game at all since#I've been playing it on and off for years). Thus I guess movies/TV are really the only things that make sense#to collect this sort of information on. I could do youtube videos I guess also but that seems kind of strange like...#giving a rating to every single video I watch in a ranked list lol.. Especially since I would say a good 85% of the time#they are exclusively background noise whilst I'm working on something or cleaning the house or etc. and not things I pay serious attention#to. There are only a few specific topics/types/creators of videos I watch where I'm ACTUALLY sitting in front of a screen paying#direct attention to the content (usually when it's educational or political things). Everything else is too mindless to even rank.#ANYWAY... ever analyzing my little hermit Weird Relationship To Media (in the sense of seemingly not processing or getting the same#things out of it as many other seem to). I think that can contribute sometimes to the whole difficulty socializing and stuff#since our culture is very centered around media consumption generally speaking. People want to talk about The New Movie that came#out or The Big TV Show Of The Year. and for me it's like.. highly likely I just plain have NOT seen it. Or if i have. statistically#I most likely was entirely ambivalent if not slightly negative towards it lol. Which just kind of takes the steam out of a 'fun' 'casual'#conversation and you seem like a bit of a bummer if most of your only feedback is either 'idk what that is' or 'oh yea... i did#see that one.... i didnt like it all that much though... I think it'd be better with elves in it.. and 7 hours longer..'' lol..#Which I am not disliking things in a 'grr i hate it bc its popular'/just to be contrarian way. I actually dislike that mindset/find it#silly (by striving so hard to be counterculture you are thus still defining yourself by the whims of external culture - just in the#opposite direction. but are still just as preoccupied with the mainstream (going against it) as everyone else. etc. lol..)) In my#case I think it IS just having niche hyperspecific tastes.. for example- it peeves me when cell phones are in media bc I dont want to be#reminded at ALL of the real world. so.. cross off anything set in modern times. so on & etc. Judging all things by these weird criteria lol
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two nights in a row gripping ice cubes like i'm 14 this is fucking pathetic
#i feel like my bones are filled with concrete#i spent the day doing all the things i've been putting off#emails to orthodontist and dentist and accountant#found a gp to hopefully get a mental health plan set up with#and went searching for a psych#but fuck me that's been less that fruitful#it feels like a waste of time and energy and money#as soon as you set suicidal ideation as an issue the pool of psychs goes from 1251 to 152#and adding queer filters to that?#psychology today says go die fag#and of those how many do you reckon is eligible for the medicare rebate?#because i've emailed 4 and of those i think maybe 1 will be eligible#BUT!#they cost so much that even WITH the rebate I'd be paying $130 for a 50 minute session#it's just a waste of money#i could see a therapist every day and still see no improvement#medicare offers a rebate for 10 sessions IF i'm lucky#so that's $1300 for 50 minutes a month#i judt can't see how that's going to do anyone any good#alternatively i can sit down with rika and get my will sorted and that money can go somewhere useful#that math isn't right#it'd be $1800 for 50 minutes a month#even more wasteful#i think i'm better off finding a comfortable and private place to decay#mum might be mental but maybe she was right when she told me i should just kill myself when i was 14#i've been inhaling smoke for so long
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Messy school doodles HAHEHHE
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Season 2 Robbie (not canon Robbie ofc, but rather the "S2" of my own fic which I may or may not ever finish). The lore is that his hair was MUCH longer than this, but it got shaved off due to Lore Reasons™ and now it's growing back :]
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NOT STAN. That's my beta Dipper HAHEHHEE. My notes are just emphasizing how similar they look. Me, earlier today, drawing beta Dipper: "STAN PINES ?! 😨😮😮😨😨😨"
Perhaps. Gay people. I am thinking about it really hard fr
#sometimes writing a story is toying with different dynamics and being like “auughh i LOVE this plotline but it'd go completely against -#- everything else in the whole story 😭“ so I gotta kill my darlings.#and I don't mean “killing off a character”#i mean “killing off this cool ass dynamic that sounds awesome but may not fit the story I'm trying to tell”#anyway#gay people... perhaps#do you see the amazing dynamic these two would have in the context of the story I'm making ??? no you don't#because i haven't told you anything about my story LMAO AHDHABHAHAHR#but point is: i love them#god#toxic yaoi is real#they've got the situationship that can almost rival whatever the hell Stanford Pines had going on (unfortunately they do not beat him)#they've got a dynamic that makes others think they don't care about eachother at all. that they hate eachother and that's all#and they DID hate eachother for most of their time together but after a bunch of years spent with no one else to rely on except eachother?#maybe you DO hate them still. but you can't deny the bond you share because the only other person in the world who GETS IT is him#you've seen him at his best and worst. you've driven him to the brink of insanity. you've taken everything from him#and yet you cuddle when the night is cold and it's so so lonely outside#you know how he likes his pancakes. how he'd rather cut his hair off than brush it. how he's entranced by the stars he never saw so clearly#you recognize when he's about to have a panic attack. you sit with him til he calms down. you hold hands and miss your families together#and you know he's the toughest person you know. so the occasional bang sessions? oh; those are NOT gentle#there's nothing more than a single safeword they never used more than once. because they've been together for so long and they know how far-#-they can push until it becomes too much. but to be gentle? to be soft? to a person who has grown so used to dodging your knives?#that is a whole entire INSULT !!! how DARE you treat me like I'm fragile NOW after we spent our lives on opposite sides of a battlefield?#how DARE you be gentle to me now after you ripped open my guts and shoved salt and dirt inside?#you know how much i can handle and you know I've always loved the thrill#so don't you dare make this any less of a battle unless you want me to bash your head in with a hammer. moron#the real valenpines dynamic i stg. i love them so much you don't understand#i can't believe I'm gonna have to sacrifice this dynamic#robbie valentino#dipper pines
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Okay these tags on this post reminded me of a HoO/TOA thing that I complain about a lot but I don’t think i’ve ever elaborated on here:
[Image ID: Tags from @fr0zenpepsi reading - “#and jason fUCKING DIES before he even get fixed like #you dont know how excited i was when the diorama thing was mentioned like #make him artistic too!! make him be into architecture too! #and he plays lacrosse???? #like his character has sooo much potential yet hes just a boring white guy :< #thats prolly why his death is pretty lame #it meant a lot to the plot but like do we even know who we lost?? #more than half of the fandom doesnt even like him bc hes just so plain :/ #also hazel is a queen and i love her shes literally the best” /end ID.]
One of the big issues I take with both HoO and TOA is that literally every death in both series feels cheap because death has lost consequence. For the majority of HoO it’s at least somewhat still of a risk, but even things like Tartarus feel extremely lackluster when we actually encounter them - Tartarus especially after we saw how much it affected Nico, but then Percy and Annabeth’s plot armor kind of negates all of the threat and it feels like they don’t actually experience much more than their usual threats down there or that it has any lasting effect on them. And after Leo’s “death” we’re basically solidified into “Death has no consequence” because we just finished a series with at least SIX INSTANCES of major or minor protagonist-aligned characters notably directly cheating or miraculously avoiding death (Jason, Hazel, Gwen, Frank, Jason again, Leo), not including also miscellaneous minor antagonists. Which is aggravating because you can make a “Hey, these characters can’t die!” plot work, especially if that’s the root problem they’re trying to solve! It does work in TLH and SoN! And we’ve even seen it before in Battle of the Labyrinth when Percy fights his half-brother!
But HoO basically nullifies all consequence the characters face from MoA onwards and post-BoO “death” carries no weight, because by this point we have so many excuses to get around it or avoid it or come back from it that who cares! And this continues to be a thing post-TOA! Even just in the plot summary of Chalice Of The Gods we’re introduced to YET ANOTHER “Cheat death!” item! And I’d bet we’re gonna get one in TSATS too cause we’re almost guaranteed to see Damasen again, and the like one singular myth that exists referencing Damasen also specifically mentions an herb called “the flower of Zeus” that can revive things from the dead.
And it’s extra annoying because in TOA we keep getting character deaths shoved in our faces and told we should care about them, but either they’re characters we have little to no emotional connection to (such as, like, All Of Camp Jupiter in Tyrant’s Tomb when the camp is threatened and we’re told we should care, but we’ve barely seen the camp at all besides beginning of Son of Neptune and beginning of Mark of Athena, and the only living characters we get to actually see in Camp Jupiter from before TOA are Gwen, Dakota, Don the Faun, and our HoO protagonists.)
And Jason’s death is particularly annoying because a.) He’s essentially cheated death twice already [Piper bringing him back from either death or near-death when he accidentally witnessed Hera’s true form, and then his whole spear injury that was slowly killing him but was healed with [checks notes] the power of friendship], and b.) the scene DIRECTLY PARALLELS HIS FIGHT WITH MIDAS. Which, you know, he WON. VERY EASILY. And you can’t even argue “oh but this time Piper and Apollo were right there so he couldn’t have done the same thing!” because PIPER AND LEO WERE THERE WITH MIDAS. Heck, so was Lit! Who also survives and comes back in TOA! So not only is there no excuse for Jason to have not somehow miraculously avoided death (alongside every other TOA character, basically), but he SHOULDN’T HAVE DIED IN THE FIRST PLACE because THAT’S NOT A FIGHT HE SHOULD HAVE LOST! Him losing that fight is directly contrary to what we know about his character! And “he shouldn’t have lost that fight and died” doesn’t feel tragic here, it’s just aggravating! It’s just bad writing! And there’s no way around it because nobody cares about characters dying by that point in the series anyways because it doesn’t mean anything! We’ve had too much random death fodder in HoO (like the Hunters) directly alongside characters experiencing little to no consequence when they should from their experiences (Percy & Annabeth in Tartarus, literally every character nearly dying, etc.). The only characters we do see experience any kind of lasting consequences from near-death experiences are Hazel having blackouts in Son of Neptune (which are magically erased by Mark of Athena) and Nico being heavily implied to be permanently physically disabled after Tartarus (which is half-ignored when not plot relevant in TOA and completely ignored in the short story Un Natale Mezzosangue, which gives me reason to suspect it will also be ignored in TSATS). Not to mention Frank’s curse is also randomly erased in Tyrant’s Tomb, which is extra stupid because by following the logic of that scene his curse should have been lost back in Son of Neptune when he freed Thanatos, because he was using his curse for the same exact reasons with the same exact mindset. He literally did his character arc twice. Whatever.
HoO and TOA are just such a mess writing-wise of Rick trying to haphazardly incorporate as many myths as he can with zero attempts at cohesiveness that it doesn’t make any sense (I invite you all to read just the Team Statue chapters of BoO and take a moment to process how absolutely nonsensical it is) and he fails to consider the consequences of including certain myths, both in terms of how their aspects will impact the larger plot and also the historical context behind those myths and if how they’re being applied is offensive.
TL:DR: Jason’s death is stupid from literally every angle and HoO and TOA have a problem with literally any kind of narrative consequence.
#riordanverse#pjo#hoo#heroes of olympus#toa#trials of apollo#jason grace#meta#long post#fr0zenpepsi#sorry to hijack your tags lmao#i just have a lot of thoughts on why Jason's death is lame and i 100% agree with you the fact that we barely *know* Jason is part of it#ergo the same problem in Tyrant's Tomb when we're literally just told we should be sad about all these background death fodder romans#but we've only seen Camp Jupiter like twice up until that point so there's literally no reason for us to be emotionally attached to anything#like. oh nooo CJ's in trouble.... why do we care?#CHB we care about because it's a major setting we see often and we've developed a connection to#if we had another series focusing on just the romans then it'd probably be different and we'd care a *lot* about CJ#but we. don't. so we don't. and putting CJ in any kind of peril is meaningless#not that the peril TOA puts on CHB is actually anything at all either. in Hidden Oracle it's at most the same peril as the desert in TTC#and it gets nullified extremely quickly with even less tragedy. its downright humorous actually. which is almost worse#and then same thing in ToN when the demigods fighting in the building are literally being treated like theyre on a field trip#this is supposed to be the BIG FINAL BATTLE and the forces of CHB are... a bunch of 12 year olds playing?#honestly HoO and TOA almost feel like Rick got scared of actually having CHB be threatened and so turns to humor instead#and so every fight that happens there post-first series feels like it's not being taken seriously#or that it's extremely rushed. or both. and fights involving the majority of camp doesnt actually put the campers in danger#like okay Camp Jupiter gets a zombie apocalypse and tons of death.#CHB? the kids go on a field trip to beat up the Tri's lackeys and nobody gets even seriously injured#besides the characters who arent campers or like. our protagonists get a little thrown around but thats it.
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 24
"What is this place?" Manon asked Glennis as she found the crone polishing the handle of a gold-bound broom beside the fire. Two others lay on a cloak nearby. Menial work for the witch in charge of this camp.
"This is an ancient camp-one of the oldest we claim." Glennis's knobbed fingers flew over the broom handle. "Each of the seven Great Hearths has a fire here, as do many others." Indeed, there were far more than seven in the camp. "It was a gathering place for us after the war, and since then, it had become a place to usher in some of our younger witches to adulthood. It is a rite we've developed over the years—to send them into the deep wilds for a few weeks to hunt and survive with only their brooms and a knife. We remain here while they do so."
Manon asked quietly, "Do you know what our initiation rite is?"
Glennis's face tightened. "I do. We all do." Which hearth had the witch she'd killed at age sixteen belonged to?
"You're not a cold person."
He arched a brow. "Is that your professional opinion?"
Manon studied him. "You can descend to those levels when you are angry, when your friends are threatened. But you are not cold, not at heart. I've seen men who are, and you are not."
"Neither are you," he said a bit quietly.
The wrong thing to say.
Manon stiffened, her chin lifting. "I am one hundred seventeen years old," she said flatly. "I have spent the majority of that time killing. Don't convince yourself that the events of the past few months have erased that."
"Keep telling yourself that." He doubted anyone had ever spoken to her that baldly-relished that he now did, and kept his throat intact.
She snarled in his face. "You're a fool if you believe the fact that I am their queen wipes away the truth that I have killed scores of Crochans."
"That fact will always remain. It's how you make it count now that matters."
Make it count. Aelin had said as much back in those initial days after he'd been freed of the collar. He tried not to wonder whether the icy bite of Wyrdstone would soon clamp around his neck once more.
"I am not a softhearted Crochan. I will never be, even if I wear their crown of stars."
He'd heard the whispers about that crown amongst the Crochans this week-about whether it would be found at last. Rhiannon Crochan's crown of stars, stolen from her dying body by Baba Yellowlegs herself. Where it had gone after Aelin had killed the Matron, Dorian had not the faintest idea. If it had stayed with that strange carnival she'd traveled with, it could be anywhere. Could have been sold for quick coin.
Manon went on, "If that is what the Crochans expect me to become before they join in this war, then I will let them venture to Eyllwe tomorrow alone."
"Is it so bad, to care?" The gods knew he'd been struggling to do so himself.
"I don't know how to," she growled.
Ridiculous. An outright lie. Perhaps it was because of the high likelihood that he'd be collared again at Morath, perhaps it was because he was a king who'd left his kingdom in an enemy's grip, but Dorian found himself saying, "You do care. You know it, too. It's what makes you so damn scared of all this."
Her golden eyes raged, but she said nothing.
"Caring doesn't make you weak," he offered.
"Then why don't you heed your own advice?"
"I care." His temper rose to meet hers. And he decided to hell with it-decided to let go of that leash he'd put on himself. Let go of that restraint. "I care about more than I should. I even care about you."
Another wrong thing to say.
Manon stood—as high as the tent would allow. "Then you're a fool." She shoved on her boots and stomped into the frigid night.
I even care about you.
Manon scowled as she turned in her sleep, wedged between Asterin and Sorrel. Only hours remained until they were to move out—to head to Eyllwe and whatever force might be waiting to ally with the Crochans. And in need of help.
Caring doesn't make you weak.
The king was a fool. Little more than a boy.
What did he know of anything?
Still the words burrowed under her skin, her bones. Is it so bad, to care?
She didn't know. Didn't want to know.
#Chapter 24#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Manon Blackbeak#no spoilers please#first read#read with me#read along#more notes and annotations in the tags spoilers for the chapter & priors#anyone else getting Ramaelle vibes#we fly with you. — the significance of that line#Dorian and Vesta dynamics lol I love it#It'd be a boon for his friends. If they could survive it would be enough.#the heart mothers and fire and witch queen + just manon being manon at her best allowed proving even to her like Asterin said etc#It was now a matter of convincing his magic to become like that shifter's power.#Be what you wish Cyrene had told him. Nothing. He wished to be nothing.#Your wyvern seems like more of a dog than anything. It was not an insult Manon reminded herself. The Crochans kept dogs as pets.#Adored them as humans did. His name is Abraxos Manon said. He is ... different. He and the blue one are mates.#her mom mode and then her and Asterin realizing lol#“For love. These beasts despite their dark master are capable of love.#Nonsense yet some kernel in her realized it to be true.#Hurry northward the wind sang day and night. Hurry Blackbeak.#say It took you long enough to figure it out.#Gods above she was beautiful. He wondered when it would stop feeling like a betrayal to think so.#but Dorian kept peering inward a kind of therapy I guess and ignoring the whisper presence which is also good#None of this could end well. For either of them.#I am not a softhearted Crochan. I will never be even if I wear their crown of stars.#I like the ice best… Narene and Abraxos sitting in a tree… so much foreshadowing… change and liar… damaris is real or not real… many things#When they awoke something sharp in his chest had dulled-just a fraction#What he'd opened up revealed to her. A sort of freedom that letting go.
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the eclipse, episode 6 (previous eps)
akk's expressions in this scene absolutely breaking me. he's so innocent here in contrast to the mess that being a prefect has dragged him into.
the sequence at the ocean......the confirmation that yes it has been akk the whole time contrasted with him looking younger than i've ever seen him. and the revelation that ayan has known the entire time and hasn't told anyone.
godddd it's. ayan is constantly begging akk to put himself first for once and akk is constantly saying no, the director wasn’t involved, i did it by myself. and even when ayan threatens to expose him and he says no you can’t, it’s not because he’s afraid of what will happen to him directly but because of his parents.
and there's also something about. again the constant threat of exposure. where on some level ayan saying he'll tell everyone akk is the one behind everything is just as much about outing as the overt references like the picture are. don't tell everyone, my parents will be disappointed......
i feel like i should have something interesting to say about the scene with khan and thua but in fact i just have “you might be in danger because you hang out with aye [Known Queer] [Tainted By Homosexuality]” immediately followed by the accidental “i’m worried jealous” bouncing around in my head. we aren't getting a lot of them but what we do get is fascinating to me in terms of — how extremely aware both of them are of how one another and their relationship might be perceived by others.
aye offering to spit out the meatball he stole from akk hits different when i’ve seen first take a sausage out of his mouth to try to give it to khao with my own eyes who said that.
something about. watching the others be out and queer and joyful while akk is quite literally hiding himself away. well.
thua saying khan invited him over because he didn’t want to be alone in that big house while his parents were away FLASHBACK akk asking ayan if he lives in that big house by himself SCENE CHANGE ayan staying over at akk’s room. send tweet.
akk, my darling boy, who is simply having the worst day at all times.
god.
okay so. if i'm honest on an objective level i don't know that the pacing of this episode entirely worked for me? a jumble of different things happened and i don’t feel like i was given the space to react to them fully or process the emotional consequences. it's like there are all of these Ideas being tossed around but not all of them are being woven together into a vision that’s totally coherent.
and also.....on an emotional level none of that matters to me at all because. akk. akk!!! he’s such a jumble of contradictions too but first is making him coherent. the way he's been convinced that he has to protect the school and that the way to do that inescapably involves harming the (obviously no coincidence) queer students of suppalo. the way he is around the director vs the way he is around his friends, the way he's constantly fighting himself in every direction at once. the way he's going to extreme lengths to uphold order — physically dragging the protestors out of the hallway, almost setting fire to the school — while simultaneously defying orders: letting the student on his phone go; confronting the director about the way the teachers are treating ayan.
the way akk perceives the world....constantly calculating the effect his actions will have by erasing himself fully from the equation: how will this affect the School? how will this affect my Family? the conflict with the protestors is not about them as peers or individuals; it's about the threat they pose to the rule of order. meanwhile for ayan everything is always personal and specific; he's constantly needling akk in ways that force akk to confront himself as an individual with needs and desires.
and then the kiss itself is a precipice of — akk choosing to ask himself very straightforwardly what he wants.
#the eclipse#the eclipse lb#b#jenny slate voice this show is making me craaaazy#DISCLAIMER that the order of events here was. watch episode. go insane for many different reasons. sleep on it. while drifting off to#sleep be jolted awake by a premonition from the void it'd be a fakeout. next day. watch first two minutes of next episode. go insane again#honestly. REALLY funny experience all told but good god i salute anyone who watched it live#regardless the thing that i find most fascinating about this episode is everything going on in akk's head#and for that purpose i don't think it actually makes much of a difference whether it was real or imagined.#the whole question is about what akk wants! and you can only lie to yourself for so long.
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I'm just so fucking tired of it all
#vent#abuse mention#it IS the blow motor that's fucked and dad says it'd be a super hard day long job to do it yourself#i'm just so fucking pissed because 'oh we couldn't help you with your electric bill* because we had to drop 1000 for your sister's new car'#*last week#and i don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch but 'oh your ac's broken? let me point you at a guy who can do it for like 300'#hello???#i'm not asking my parents to shell out for me or anything but every fucking time i call them it's like#'oh we had to buy your sister a new car battery'#'oh we had to get your sister's bumper replaced'#'oh we had to pay your sister's rent'#this is the sister that's just the meanest rudest bitch you'll ever meet by the way#the one who was my OTHER abuser (physically and psychologically)#the one that claims that i was the favorite child and she was the poor little sole abuse victim#yeah i was the favorite. the favorite to get the shit beat out of me and told i was the oldest so i had to be The Most Perfect™ or else#i'm not saying you didn't get abused but don't you dare fucking come at me saying that you had it worse than me#abuse is abuse but boy howdy if there isn't some favoritism at play going on NOW#fuck out of here with that shit i see how it is#what fucking ever#also i had to just disassociate through an entire paranoid psychosis rant from my mother talking about how my dad's ex's husband#is going to fly down from Illinois to kill them both specifically because my dad talked to a guy who knows them and asked how they were#so i'm feeling great
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ngl if i am genuinely being honest. i think listening to mcr again made me want to genuinely try and get better instead of just waiting it out
#idk ever since i started feeling mentally ill and like there was something wrong with me i told myself that i'd get the help i needed#when i got older or when i was more financially secure or when i took care of everything else and could finally afford to look after myself#because i always saw myself as the last priority in every possible circumstance#and sometimes i just straight up. gave up on everything#because id think that if i was waiting that long it'd get so bad that id be past the point of help or recovery or anything like that#and then i started listening to mcr again and. i dont know if it fully attributes to that but.#i felt like there was still some hope for me. like i still had a chance.#anyways gerard way if youre out there you did this and now i have to deal with the very emotional fallout of realizing#i dont actually want to be miserable forever and im not actually okay with living like this even if i improve every other aspect of my life#do i have a personal tag oh my god it's been so long i can't even remember#i need a personal tag this is bullshit
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Man, changes in plans really do affect me, don't they
#carime rambles#my plans: walk for 20 minutes half an hour tops#my mom: oh could i join you?#me. reluctantly because my Walking Times are Alone Times: ... sure#then she says i could fix up my nails and all that for a wedding on sunday and i say sure because i thought it'd be like 20 minutes.#it was 50.#she wanted to keep walking but i just Couldn't. i was on the verge of crying. told her I'd take her to the beach and go home#but as we walked she didnt want to go to the beaches we passed. and i wanted to go back home Alone#she just told me i could go the rest of the way alone because the next beach is a bit further away but god. i just wanted to walk alone#my inability to say no when my parents want to do something with me vs my need for my rituals#goddammit im actually crying. this wasnt meant to be a long endeavor. this was meant to be a quick trip out and back#we left at 5 and it's nearly 7 in a few minutes and i just.....#i wasnt even able to watch/listen to what i wanted as i walked back.
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https://www.tumblr.com/beatingheart-bride/709860458159570944/theheadlessgroom-beatingheart-bride
@beatingheart-bride
“What indeed...” Randall murmured, as he peered out at the orchestra, listening to the gentle hum of the instruments as they warmed up with a little smile, loving the sound as he offered Emily a seat beside him (it felt odd to have someone else sit in Box Five with him, but he welcomed it all the same), before adding, “And what is a life without passion?”
To him, it was no life at all: It had been a long time since his boyhood in the circus, but still he remembered those mind-numbing days that seemed to blur together for him. Those days spent sitting in a cage, reliving the same nightmare over and over again, listening to the same introduction, before his mask was wrenched off his face...he heard the same screams, jeers, mockeries again and again...he’d go to sleep, and then live the horror all over again. It was no life, just a never-ending hell.
But then he came to the opera house, and when he did, it felt...it felt as if he had long been trapped in a colorless, mute, dead world, only to then find himself in a beautiful world of light and color and music, a world that was alive...it filled with an energy and a passion he had never known until that moment, making him feel as if he had been somehow reborn. It awed him to think so, and it made him grateful that he chose this to be his sanctuary-this world, that gave him life at last.
“It feels,” he confessed softly, “It feels as if I wasn’t even living until I came to the opera. But now that I am here...I feel more alive than I ever did before, and it’s... ...it’s wonderful...”
#((oh he'd totally faint! either that or he'd seriously doubt what he was being told; he'd be like 'i'm not going anywhere!'))#((i think randall assumed he would live and die in the opera house; never to leave it again; and i think to a point he was okay with that))#((this has been his home for a VERY LONG time and he's content to stay there; he really can't fathom leaving it for anything))#((nor being happy anywhere else-and yet there he is! in his little home in leroux with his wife and children!))#((it's the happy normal life he deserved; the life his parents would've wanted for him and sought to give him))#((even if they have to pull some strings from beyond the grave! and you know they're looking down on him with so much pride))#((so happy to see their son be happy and free at last!))#((and y'know; i like that idea too; that they witness emily fighting tooth and nail to protect their son))#((and it helps warm them to the idea of her turning him; and perhaps even them turning too; so as to remain a part of their lives!))#((they get to all be one big family-a big vampire family but a family nonetheless! it'd make for a sweet ending i think!))#outofhatboxes#beatingheart-bride#V:Phantasm of the Mansion
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So I've mentioned before about the annoying old man at the mall who shows me clips from the big bang theory, all in the family, and the andy griffith show for like 30 minutes straight every single day, right? Well it turns out he also liked to do that at the movie theater, and he was being SO annoying that he got himself banned from the theater for 2 years LMAO
#thinking out loud#at first I felt a little bad for him#like he didn't even get a verbal warning or anything and nobody told him he was bothering anyone until he got banned#so like I can see why he'd be upset about it#but then he complained literally all week about his ''freedom of speech'' being violated#and how (I shit you not) he ''has the right to be sexist if he wants to be''#(turns out one of the complaints the theater people had was that he was being sexist)#and it's like... you're not helping your case here buddy. I was sympathetic at first but now I'm jealous of them#imagine the peace and quiet they get to enjoy now... sigh#but yeah I can see why they had a problem with him#some of the clips he likes to show off on his phone can be in pretty bad taste sometimes#I just deal with it cuz there's nothing else I can do really#I work in a kiosk in the middle of the hallway so I can't ban him from my place of work#and at the end of the day he really is an incredibly lonely old man... so I try to be as accommodating as I can be#but MAN it'd be nice to have just ONE day at work where he doesn't bother me. just ONE#but no. like clockwork. i've got to suffer through old comedy show clips and military propaganda clips every single fucking day.#boy I'm really ranting now I'll stop here#long story short: old men at the mall need to find something else to do other than bother mall employees#ok rant over byyye ♡
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yk that post that's like we need people with severe infectious diseases to stay home again?
i think germans are the worst offenders of that. because there's this insane culture of like. clocking into work despite being sick. and priding yourself on it. and being entitled to a public space no matter what.
and that's how you get three people in one day that are in your vicinity, coughing without pause, one of them to the point of dry heaving and hurling, while you're sitting there with an unsure diagnosis of "there's another infection somewhere in your body and the meds you've been taking to combat it aren't working" and catching whatever the fuck they've got going on is the last thing you need rn
#random#i've been feeling under the weather for so long but i chalked it up to stress#people told me i'd be under a lot more pressure and that it'd be rough and that they still think i could handle it yk#so i just kept on waltzing on through life#i'm like#i guess pissed at my body because like what the fuck are you doing#you just had two weeks off you should have recovered a little there should be no stress levels that make you sick left#and especially not after 4 months bro i worked my ass off for 4 years to get to this point i am this 🤏 close to achieving a stable life#don't fuck it up now
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wait, Derin how did your leaving make the hospital shut down?
I used to work as a live-in nanny for a pediatrician.
Now, the thing about hospitals in my country is that they are massively understaffed and massively underfunded. This is especially true outside the major cities. The staff are worked to the bone and receive little to no help in things like finding accommodation or childcare, making working in rural areas a very uninviting prospect; staff come out here, get lumped with the work of three people (because there's nobody else to do it), burn out under the workload and leave, meaning that those remaining have even more work because that person is gone. It's unsustainable and the medical staff are doing their best to sustain it, because people die if they don't, so to the higher-ups it looks like everything's getting done and therefore everything is fine.
My friend (and boss) worked one week on, one week off, swapping out with another pediatrician. This was necessary because it would not be physically possible for one person to handle the workload for longer periods of time. The one single pediatrician had to hold up the entire pediatrics ward, which was not only the only public hospital pediatrics ward in our town, but also the one that served all the towns around us for a few hours' drive in all directions. I regularly saw her go to work sick, aching, tired, or with a debilitating 'I can barely make words or see' level migraine, because if she took a day off, twenty children didn't get healthcare that day, and some of these kids' appointments were scheduled weeks in advance. She'd work long hours in the day and then be called in a couple of times overnight for an hour or two at a time (she was on-call at night too, because somebody had to be), and then go in the next day. Sometimes she would be forced to take a day off because she physically could not stay awake for longer than a few minutes at a time, meaning she couldn't drive to work.
Cue my niece's second birthday coming up in Melbourne. I'd been working for her for about 3 years, and she (and the hospital) had plenty of advance warning that I (and therefore she) needed one (1) Friday off. That's fine, we'll find someone to work that Friday, the hospital said. Right up until the last week where they're like "oh, we can't find a replacement; you can come in, can't you?"
No, she tells them; I don't have anyone to watch my kid that day.
Oh, surely you can hire a babysitter for this one day, they say. Think of the children! We really really need you to work that day. I know we said it'd be fine but we need you now, there's no one else to do it.
There are no other babysitters, she told them. Unless you can find one?
That's not our responsibility, they said.
But I'm not changing my plans, she's got plans by now as well, the hospital knew about this one day weeks in advance, and with absolutely no reserve staff they're forced to reschedule all pediatrics appointments for that Friday. Not a huge deal, it happens on the 'physically too overworked to get out of bed' days too. I go to Melbourne, she goes back to her home in Adelaide for her recovery week, all should be on track.
My niece gives me Covid.
This was way back in the first wave of the pandemic, and there were no Covid vaccines yet. The rules were isolate, mask up, hope. I had Covid in the house, and it would've been madness for my friend and her toddler to come back into the Covid house instead of staying in Adelaide. There was absolutely no way that a pediatrician could live with someone in quarantine due to Covid and go to work in the hospital with sick children every day. And no support existed for finding another babysitter, or temporary accommodation, so the hospital was down a pediatrician.
The other pediatrician wasn't available to do a three-week stint. They were also trapped in Adelaide on their well-earned week off.
Meaning that the only major pediatrics ward within a several-hour radius had no pediatricians. They had to shut down and send all urgent cases to Adelaide for the week. To the complete absence of surprise of any of the doctors or nurses; of course this would happen, this was bound to happen, it presumably keeps happening. But probably to the surprise of the higher-ups. After all, the hospital was doing fine, right? Of course all the staff were complaining of overwork and a lack of resources in every meeting, but they could always be fobbed off with the promise of more help sometime in the future; the work was mostly getting done, so the issue couldn't be too urgent.
It's not like some nanny who doesn't even work for the hospital could go out of town for a weekend for the first time in three years, and get the only public pediatrics ward in the area shut down for a week.
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♥️ If you knew why the last one left me you would have passed me by ♥️
#I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. WHY WAS I THE BAD GUY? ALL I ASKED WAS TO BE LOVED RIGHT BUT YOU HELD ME DOWN INSTEAD#HOW COME YOU GET TO LIVE SOME DREAM LIFE AS IF I NEVER HAPPENED WHEN I STILL SLEEP ON THE SAME MATTRESS YOU STAINED?#HOW COME I CANT ASK FOR ANYTHING FROM ANYONE NOW BECAUSE I EXPECT TO BE PUNISHED?#WHY IS IT ME? I WAS SO GOOD I WAS THE BEST I COULD BE AND NOW LOOK AT ME. IM INSUFFERABLE TO BE AROUND BECAUSE OF YOU!!#im so tired. so so tired. i was good i swear I was. im sorry i know my tears are scalding to your icy skin i dont mean to cry#i just want to be loved#really loved. not just because they like how i make them feel. not just because im quiet and patient. not just because my mask is cute#but nobody will like this UGLY BROKEN thing underneath. It'd be easier if it was something mean beneath but under it all im just a kid#a stupid kid that finally started playing alone after years of being told they're annoying and stupid and hard to deal with#i tried so hard for so long didn't I? i was so determined to make a friend. i was even realistic! just one. just ONE.#how long has it been since i really felt loved? like loving me wasnt an obligation or a dare or some way to make another look better#ive just always been the okay child. not great but holding in there. nobody worries about me. not really.#fuck i hate myself#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#actually traumatized#venting#actually mentally ill#actually obsessive#personal vent
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