#i told my sister last night i probably wouldnt be coming into town for this arvo
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i knew this would happen i knew it
#i told my sister last night i probably wouldnt be coming into town for this arvo#and i KNEW i'd get really sad about it in the middle of the day and now look at me!!#im sitting at the table listening to the radio and i just got smacked with 'my stupid brain ruined something again'#and now i want to curl up in bed and cry#because i LIKE my sisters parties and i LIKE hanging out with people and getting a little socialising in#but i cannot stand being perceived today because only like 3 people will see me as Theo: The Little Brother#and everyone else will see 'some weird girl with a boys name'#and usually it's a fun little game i play but i can't today#and i hate that im missing out on something i've been looking forward to for months#and i hate that i was so excited a few days ago when my sister and i were talking about it#and i hate that i can't even change my mind because im the only one who still lives out of town so there's no one to drive me#captain speaks
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in other news though this past month or so has been maybe the worst of my life, was already feeling down about everything but now my cars fucked up again. power steering pump is shot, terrified me driving to the garage the other day (for just an inspection, an inspection no repairs, so i can get my car re-registered. ffs.) bc it started blowing smoke out of the hood and the wheel suddenly locked up.
couldnt get a hold of anyone but idk none of my friends either have cars or are free during school/work hours this was maybe around 11. my first instinct was to call my mom but she was unavailable, shes been travelling bc of my cousins wedding in alberta and mightve still been on a plane maybe idk. but she would've probably called my dad anyway bc hes the one who could actually help me, i called him right after my mom didnt pick up.
he lives 2 hours away though, i was within walking distance to my house so i just called to ask what i should do. the switch in his voice from neutral to worried was funny, especially bc ive been giving him sort of the silent treatment since we got in a petty fight. he contemplated if he could come out to town to have a look but remembered his friend craig and told me to stay where i was to. his friend is someone ive met before and had look at my car before too, and he lives out in town.
so craig was really nice, got some power steering fluid for me, drove my car for me (bc he's used to driving junk) to the garage and spoke to the mechanic for me, vehemently denied my attempts to pay for the fluid and cab fees. he told me its really funny how similar i am to my dad when we need help. he said that he told me: "you're shy like him, you stutter like him, you're nervous like him... uh no offense."
anyway so the garage wasnt able to do anything for my car bc if they didnt have the parts to fix my steering then they couldnt complete the inspection, but he didnt charge me anything so that was cool.
gotta make another appointment at a different garage.
also, speaking to my mom last night i told her how awful thingsve been. headache almost every day, i cant sleep (other night only got to sleep after 7 am, then the next night only got 3 hours, as example), how when i got up i just started crying full waterworks and i wasnt even thinking about anything. didnt tell her how i keep wanting to get drunk at night bc my thoughts just run rampant, done it a few times now. the headaches come with or without a hangover though, i grind my teeth at night. my guard was missing for a while but recently ive found it i just havent been wearing it though i should.
i didnt mean to unload anything on her just give her an update how ive been feeling bc i havent had anyone to talk to really. dont really like to vent really seriously to my (twin) sister, and my older sister (whom i live with) doesnt ever really seem to care—i feel like i cant really be upset when im around her bc she always has something happening at work or whatever. plus she keeps saying things that make me feel worse or more worried and she doesnt realize how awful ive been feeling, a few times when expressing that my head or back hurts she offers nothing except "do you want to try my meds?" NO i dont want your prescription meds!! i did take one of her migraine meds once bc they wouldnt work for her so the last pill in the bottle she offered to me and i remarked that it worked a charm, but the new meds she has now are different and strong enough that apparently they are sometimes given post surgery. sure ibuprofen/naproxen and tylenol dont work more than half the time for me but im not going right into strong meds when im taking other things. my sister doesnt take any meds other than the migraine stuff, i do take meds, i dont want any interactions.
but anyway i got sidetracked, i'll tag with the sister vent tag too. anyway i kept what i said to my mom short and simple, didnt think much of it bc sure ive been stressed out and demotivated (what else is new) and just needed to get off my chest. hate complaining to my friends i feel i do it too much. mom gave me support words of encouragement stuff like that, but told me she'll look into therapy options for me if i want since im still under her and my step moms insurance while im a student (which i technically am, exams and classes are done but still need a workterm and we're only considered fully graduates until we complete a workterm). baffled me. i used to see a counsellor (not by choice to start and i got put in dbt which sucked but i could cancel so i did bc it wasnt going anywhere. dbt mightve helped but it was on a webcam and i leaned out of frame to grab my pencil once which dropped to the floor and i was scolded so i thought this sucks im dropping this lol) but it never did much for me, but i didnt expect my mom to bring up therapy outright. we dont really do/see stuff like that in our family.
but yknow a therapist may help me right now bc everythings going south and im not that smart with adult things yet so much that i think its detrimental, so i think i said yes. if it turns out i dont need it then i can just drop it, but i think somebody unbiased who knows how things work would be able to help me a lot. its just for figuring my life out.
woof this js a huge post. did not mean to write so much and meant to keep this simple and to the point, but yknow im incapable of being concise its a curse. wasnt even gonna talk about my car initially but just started rambling. anyway thats my shitty life update
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I feel really exhausted today. I dont feel as bad as I did but it has still been a little hard. I could not fall asleep or get comfortable last night and it was not fun at all. I was up until almost 2 and when I did sleep I had very active dreams and it wasnt even good sleep. Sucked.
So when my alarm went off I told James I needed 5 more minutes. Which made it so I had to leave right away once I was washed and dressed. So it was a little bit of a stressful morning.
But I got to work on time. And it was a nice enough day. We have 3 more kids registered but they are probably coming tomorrow. So it was just our small crew. But we were all kind of off today. Tired.
Dasia came in late because her mom was flying back into town and her flight got delayed and it was a whole thing. The twins were there when I was and they were both tired. Caylee was in baby voice mode all day, and Caleb was just poking at his sister all day. But we did do some beading and that was fun. Hopefully well do more tomorrow. I probably could have been a better teacher but I was just really tired so we only did it for their first break.
Once the other two girls got there we were all mostly just in class mode. I worked on sewing but I could barely focus on that. Today just sort of drug on. I did get some stuff done at least. And I read for a little while.
We had lunch and me and the twins went outside for a while. It was very breezy today and it made me pretty cold. The first time we went out I remebered my jacket but the second time later in the day I forgot it inside and I was just so cold! My sweater was just to thin. I might put this one in storage. I have so many black sweaters so it wouldnt be the worst thing to put one away.
Because everyone was so tired we pulled out the yoga mats and the kids all made nap areas. We used the big pieces of fabric in the closet as blankets and the bags of stuffing as pillows. It was very silly. But we had the lights off and for the most part they all focused on their work and it was all good. We were all sleepy though and I was shorter on patience for nonsense today. Like sneaking on youtube when youre actually in class. Like sure have a youtube video on while youre doing work, but not during the actual class. I know the class is stupid. I get it. But this is how this year is and yes I know the mask is annoying but we gotta wear them why have I had to ask 10 times in the last half hour. I might do a check mark system and if they get enough positive checks for masks Ill give them candy? Well see. I hate rewarding when its something they should just do, but this is a weird year.
The second time we went outside we sung on the swings and on my silk for a while. But by the end of the hour we were all sort of whiny and tire. And so we went inside and cleaned up and I got ready to leave.
I was very tired at this point. I checked in with Evers and gave him updates of the day. Told him the book requests from the kids. Turns out they are having someone from the library coming to bring books anyway so it was just a nice coincidence.
I headed home. Took a different way home and it was nice. I stopped at burgerking and got a milkshake and when I got home I made the veggie popcorn chicken and it was alright. I might bake them longer next time to make them crispier but they were still nice.
After I ate I decided I would sleep for a bit. Which ended up being almost 2 hours. I woke up very dehydrated and very confused because the sun had gone down. I changed into my new sweatshirt and got something to drink and I felt a little better. I checked on our animal crossing island and you can catch leaves right now! That was exciting but I was bad at it and got frustrated.
I did some and work in my studio for a bit. I have two commissioned big frogs this week and so I sent them some fabric ideas. I also stuffed and finished a few other friends. I have to go through my frog box again though because I think I may have missed a bunch when I photographed before so I think Im gong to retake all the ones I still have? Well see. No sales today but James did get the two from friday sent out today. The printer issue seems to be a known thing so he found a work around and printed the labels in blue. He's so smart.
I did the dishes and now I am just laying in the studio. I think I am going to go take a shower and get in bed. I am really hoping I can get easier sleep tonight. Dasia isnt going to be in tomorrow, so I will be alone with the kids. Which is fine, she is mostly just another set of eyes in the room. I wonder if the three new kids will be nice? I hope so.
I also hope you all have a good night. Please keep washing your hands. And try to stay in. I know our government hasnt made it easy for us and hasnt set a good example. But we got to do our best.
Sleep well you guys.
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Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)-8
Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6, Pt 7
Warnings for sexual content, male pregnancy, non-hockey Sid. Sid and Taylor’s ages have been altered to fit the story.
Perpetual credit to my betas, @queen-alia and @icosahedonist as well as the GC and @ljummen.
They meet at a quiet pizza place at Sid’s suggestion.
As soon as Sid sees Geno on the sidewalk he realizes it was a mistake. He already has people stopping him and Sid can see the stress lines around his eyes as he glances up and back to the people around him.
Sid has no idea what the protocol is but he suspects it’s better if he stays out of all of that so he tips his head toward the door of the restaurant and ducks in, grabbing them a table in the corner of the dark, quiet dining room.
It takes another ten minutes before Geno finally ducks into the restaurant looking very harried but at least he’s alone. He immediately spots and heads for Sid, carefully avoiding eye contact with the handful of other patrons. He gets stopped anyhow and politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with a family of four before he finally makes it to the table looking more than a little stressed.
“Sorry, Sid. I was hoping since it Tuesday afternoon would maybe not be such a big problem.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should have known. Next time we’ll figure something else out, okay?”
Geno nods, looking very grateful.
“So…” they both start after an awkward moment and it breaks the tension. Sid gives a quiet laugh and Geno’s face softens.
Sid thinks maybe, finally, they can relax.
Of course that’s when a waiter arrives at their table and starts his welcome spiel before stopping completely and exclaiming, “Whoa! Geno! Hey man!”
“Hello,” Geno says cordially, but Sid can see the lines forming around his eyes again.
The waiter, “Braden,” he informs them as he shakes Geno’s hand and ignores Sid completely, is grinning ear to ear and turns long enough to call in the general direction of the kitchens. “Yo, Frank! You gotta get out here! We got Geno Malkin in the house!”
Sid sees Geno slump in defeat and sits quietly as he politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with what must be every staff member there… and a couple of construction workers who hadn’t bugged him when he came in. As far as get-togethers go, this is a disaster.
Geno finally asks Braden to please give them a minute with the menu and turns to Sid with a pinched expression, talking low and fast. “Sid, okay if we get food to go? I take us somewhere private to eat and talk. Don’t think this going to work.” He says it like he’s asking permission and Sid feels terrible.
“Yeah, of course.”
That’s all it takes for Geno to motion Braden back over.
It takes another twenty five minutes before they’re actually leaving the restaurant with bags of food and a pizza, Geno having left a generous tip.
He pulls his hat down over his eyes and seems to be trying to hunch in on himself even though there was no way someone that big is going to be able to hide. Sid follows quietly and they make it to Geno’s car with only a couple of people stopping him. As soon as Geno slides into the driver’s seat, he drops his head back and lets out a deep breath.
“Really sorry, Sid.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for suggesting this place.”
“Not be sorry. Let’s just go eat. Hungry.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Geno turns to him with furrowed brows. “You ok? Need to eat and drink now?”
“No, I can wait. I feel okay.”
Geno’s face relaxes a little then and he nods. “Okay.”
He takes them to the arena. It’s the last place Sid expected to find himself but it makes sense. When they go in, no one does anything more than give him a wave. Certainly no one seems concerned that he’s toting a bunch of takeout bags and has a stranger trailing along beside him.
And that’s how Sid finds himself eating pasta and pizza in the Penguins’ team kitchen.
It’s Sid’s turn to be jumpy, glancing nervously at the door every few seconds until Geno explains, “No practice here today. Not expect anyone around or I take us to private conference room.”
Sid breathes out in relief. “Okay.”
“So—” they both start again and Geno laughs.
Maybe this won’t be as bad as Sid feared.
Geno is enthusiastic about any mention of the baby and wants to know all about Sid’s appointments with the ‘baby doctor.’ He listens to every tiny detail—from the baby’s heart rate to Sid’s blood pressure—with rapt attention and asks what seems like a hundred questions.
Sid doesn’t mind. It’s nice to have a conversation about the pregnancy that isn’t revolving around what a crisis it is.
He likes how easy it is to talk once they’re relaxed, that Geno actually takes interest in his life. He isn’t just asking questions to have something to talk about—he genuinely listens to Sid’s answers and asks more questions, seeming to want to know everything he can.
He asks about Sid’s studies at the university and Sid spends several minutes talking about the courses he plans to take and his plan to teach someday. In turn, Sid asks him about hockey and they spend a good half an hour talking about the upcoming season. Geno seems pleasantly surprised at Sid’s interest and knowledge.
From there the conversation turns back to the pregnancy and Geno asks if Sid has talked to his family in the last couple of days. “For a few minutes last night. I told them I told you about the baby.”
Geno fiddles with the edge of his cup. “They know is me?”
“No. I didn’t tell them that much.”
“What they say when you tell them I know?”
Sid shrugs. “Not much. My parents are still hoping I’ll change my mind, I guess. But my sister is happy.”
“Glad you have her, at least. Hope your parents come around.”
“What, um, what about your parents? Did you, um, tell them about…?” Sid glances down at his midsection.
“I not tell them yet, no.”
“Oh. Right.” Sid’s not sure what he expected and he works hard to push back the pang that’s threatening to bubble up inside him
“Going to tell them, Sid.”
“You don’t have to.”
Geno frowns. “Not keep something like this secret from them. Is just hard, try to figure out how to say. Worry how they respond.”
“You think they’ll, ah, be upset?”
Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “Maybe. Probably.” He takes a deep breath. “Mama, Papa very close to me but they not really know about my private life. Just not sure how they react when they find out, you know.”
“Find out about the baby or…?” Sid feels like it probably doesn’t need to be said.
Geno nods. “In Russia, be with guy very bad. Not safe.”
“Yeah,” Sid swallows hard. For the first time he’s thinking about consequences beyond the scope of Pittsburgh and the NHL and he’s suddenly grateful he’s from Canada.
“Not something I need to tell them before but now…”
“Right. Now I’m pregnant and fucked that up for you.”
Geno looks up and grabs Sid’s wrist. “You not fuck anything up, Sid. Take two people make this happen. Was my choice, too and I’m not regret.”
“Well, I’ll understand if you decide not to tell anyone. I mean, I’d get it.”
“Not going to be that way. Just have to figure out best way. Maybe not be easy but I do because it’s important. Besides, better to tell now than someone here find out and they hear in press.”
Sid looks up, struck again by all the things weighing on Geno with this pregnancy.
“I guess we should probably be more careful around town, too. I mean, if it got out it would be bad.”
Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair again. “Would be very bad. Here, maybe not as much but Russia… I probably can’t go back.”
“Oh god. You can’t—” Sid shakes his head. Somewhere in his mind he knew it but hearing it like this brings it into stark contrast. “I can’t be the person responsible for that. I won’t tell anyone, Geno. I promise.”
“Not the kind of thing to keep secret forever. Eventually, baby born and grow. Seem impossible to keep thing like this secret.”
“We’ll do it, we’ll find a way.”
Geno shakes his head. “You really want that? Not so sure I do.”
Sid’s heart sinks. “What do you mean?”
“Even if we could keep total secret, what kind of life that be for our baby? What kind of life that be for us? Maybe not ideal and maybe some hard consequences but still a baby, still going to be child for us to raise. Our baby, Sid.” To Sid’s surprise, Geno smiles and it fills him warmth.
“Only know for two days and already think about baby growing up. Want to teach him to skate and play hockey, want to take him to family skate and bring him to games.”
Sid realizes he’s smiling too. “Him?”
Geno’s grin brightens. “Have a feeling.”
“What if it’s a girl?”
“Not matter. Do all same thing. All that matter is she our baby, our family.” Geno’s smile stretches across his face. “We gonna get to love our little baby and watch him grow up. Maybe hard, little bit scary now but gonna be worth it, you know?”
And Sid suddenly has to blink back tears because in all the time he’s known about the pregnancy, he’d never felt like he could talk about his future with his baby, that he could look forward to it. It had hurt that everyone saw this as a burden, nothing but a crisis to manage. But now Geno is saying things out loud that Sid has barely felt allowed to even think privately.
“Yeah.” Sid has to swallow. “I do,” he breathes and he means it.
“Wouldn’t trade for anything now that I know, Sid. Don’t care what happen.”
“But what about the team? The NHL, Russia?”
Geno meets his gaze. “We figure it out. Not want you worry about it, okay? Just focus on take care of you and take care of baby. Most important.”
Sid sighs. “I’ll try. I, um, I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple of days.”
Geno’s face lights up and Sid’s glad he told him. “When? Maybe I find way to go?”
“Friday at three.”
Geno frowns. “Have meeting.”
“Oh. Well, I…”
“I’m sorry.”
Sid takes a deep breath and forces himself to look at Geno. “You don’t have to apologize. I know you have responsibilities. Honestly, the fact that you care at all means a lot. So, don’t worry, okay?”
Geno nods, looking a little miserable. “You call me, tell how it goes?”
“For sure.”
“Maybe we get together after?”
Sid smiles because this is just all so much more and so much better than he ever expected. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
Geno drives Sid back to where he’d parked earlier. It’s still crowded and Sid knows they can’t linger with Geno idling in a no parking zone so he pulls the envelope out of his pocket and pushes it into Geno’s hands before he gets out of the car.
“What this?”
“It’s not all of it, not even close but it’s part of what I owe you.”
Geno frowns. “Sid…”
“Not negotiable. See you Friday.” He closes the door before Geno can reply
Part 9
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White Sands
MERMAN Shownu X Reader
Genre: Fluffy
Word Count: 2,894
A/N: Okay, so, not gunna lie, this one was hard to write, but also fun! Thank you @xkpopobsessedx for helping me create ideas for this cutie! Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!
Day One: 8:00 PM
“It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation together. What’s it been like, five years?”
“Mmm...” I hummed, scrolling through my phone. My mother tapped my leg, my eyes dragging up to see her face, “What?”
“Put your phone away. We’re going on this trip to get you out of your funk since that stupid boy broke your heart.”
“Can we not talk about Dean, please...” I asked, turning my head to look out the window.
“This four day get away at the beach should help you.”
“Yeah, because the ocean and sand can help me get rid of my depression...”
“Don’t be like that, Y/N...” She whispered and I tuned her voice out as I watched the trees turn into beaches, tan sands fading almost to white due to the season change. The water soaking in the still warm air and bright sun, resting upon the shore line waiting to cover someone’s feet; I bet it’s starting to get cold, not like we’ll probably swim anyway.
“We’re here.” We pulled up to a house that sat on the beach. The siding of the house colored a cerulean blue, fashioned with dark wood steps leading up to the door; even though the house was weathered, it still held some beauty. We stepped out of the car, pulling our luggage from the trunk, and then made our way up to the door. My mother opened the deep red door and we were greeted by the squeals of my older sisters, Anessa and Samantha.
“So glad you guys could finally make it.” Anessa took our mother’s luggage from her, sliding it over to the side of the couch.
“I’m sorry, girls. There was so much traffic on the highway.”
“No surprise there.” Sam grunted from the couch.
“Sorry to interrupt, but will you show me to my room, please?” I asked, Anessa skimmed over me, placing her hands on her hips.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas dinner with De—”
“All right, all right, let’s not pester, Y/N. She’s had a long week. Sam, honey, show her to her room, please.”
“Ah, okay, mom.” Sam replied, getting up from the couch. I followed her down the hall to the last room on the left and she opened the door, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
“Mmm...” I nodded and walked into the blinding room. Pale blue painted walls, dark wood flooring, driftwood colored furniture, white bedding, and a window seat facing the ocean.
Cute...
I opened my bag, unpacked my clothes into the dresser, then closed the curtains over the windows, and finally laid down on the bed, resting my eyes.
Day Two: 4:00 AM
I opened my eyes to a dark bedroom, the sound of the ocean waves seeping into the room.
How long have I been out?
I pulled my phone from under the pillow, the screen lighting up to show 4:02 on the clock. I laid my phone down, turning on the lamp on the side table, then getting up to pull a sweater from the dresser. I tugged it on, slipping on my shoes, and stepping out of the bedroom into the dim hallway. I padded my way across the floor into the dining room, sliding the glass balcony door open, letting the sea salt tainted air kiss my face. I closed the door behind me and walked down the balcony stairs, down into the sand. The sound of the waves crashing soothed my numb mind, my body being pulled closer to the shore; I sat down close to the water, watching it roll in and drift back out, when something moving through the water caught my eye.
A person swimming at this time of night?
I watched the body move closer and closer until I could make out his features in the moonlight— shaggy dark brown hair, soft cheek bones, but killer jaw line, thick lips, and sharp eyes.
Wow, he’s gorgeous...
He came closer until his body rested on the shore, everything but his head still under the water, “Hey...”
Is he talking to me?
I looked around, searching for someone else he could be talking to when he spoke again, “Who are you looking for?”
“I was making sure you were actually talking to me.” I confessed, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. His eyes wrinkled as a beaming smile appeared on his lips.
“What is a beautiful girl like you doing out here in the middle of the night?”
“I could ask you the same thing. Isn’t the water cold?” I asked, moving closer to him, the water starting to touch my feet.
“Not really. I live in the water so it doesn’t really effect me.”
“Ah, you mean you’re always coming out to swim—”
“No...” The water splashed behind him and I leaned to the side, the dark red color coming into focus, “I’m a merman.” I got up to my feet, traipsing into the water, the iciness making me hiss, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t playing around with me, I needed to see if he was telling the truth.
“I thought mermaids and mermen were just old sailors tales, not real life...?” I questioned as he turned over, sitting on the ocean floor, his waist submerged under the water.
“We stay hidden for our safety.” He lifted his tail, the deep red iridescent scales glittering under the moonlight.
“What a shame, you’re a beautiful creature...” I ran my hand over his scales, his tail twitching at my touch. I flicked my eyes up to his face, his cheeks ruddied and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, “I’m sorry, I touched you without even asking,”
“No, no, that’s okay. I was just shocked you actually came out into the cold ocean to touch me.” He teased, his wet locks fell onto his forehead as he lifted his hand, “I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Hyunwoo, but you can call me Shownu.”
“Oh,” I took his hand into my own, shaking it, “I’m Y/N.”
“A beautiful name for someone like you.” My cheeks burned at his statement, his chestnut eyes stared into mine, his hand pulling me close, “Y/N...” My name bubbled from his lips, his voice hypnotizing me, “I’m sorry, but the sun is starting to come up, so I must take my leave.”
“Oh...” I turned towards the horizon, hints of pinks starting to tint the sky, “Has it really been that long?”
He grunted to my question, “Can I see you tomorrow night, well I should say tonight?”
“Of course you can, if you want to.” A smile spread over his lips, his teeth peeking through his lips.
“Lovely. Meet here at midnight?”
I nodded, biting my lip.
“I’ll see you tonight, Y/N.” Shownu swam out into the ocean, soon diving down and disappearing.
Day Three: 12:00 am
“You came, Y/N.” Shownu laid against the shore, just as he did the night before.
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
Shownu pondered my question then shrugged, “I wasn’t sure, but I’m glad you did.”
“I actually came prepared this time, too.”
“What do you mean by that?” He asked as I pulled off my sweater, Shownu clearing his throat, “Y/N, what’re you doing?”
“Taking off my clothes, so I can get in the water in my bathing suit and keep my street clothes clean and dry.” I laughed, seeing his cheeks flush.
“I thought you were—”
“Oh, I know what you thought.” I teased, tossing my shorts with my sweater away from the shore and stepping into the water, taking a seat next to him. He cleared his throat once more, scooting closer to me, peering into my face.
“Y/N?”
“Yes?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes? Especially in the moonlight?”
I laughed a bit, nudging him, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re such a flirt?” Shownu let out a chuckle leaning into me, sighing comfortably, “I do have a question for you, Shownu.”
“And I have an answer for you... probably.”
“If staying hidden was to keep you safe, why did you show yourself to me?”
“Hmm... that’s a good question...” He flicked his tail up, sucking his teeth, “Since I was a child, I could always tell when someone needed something. May it be an ear or someone to lean on, I could just feel it in my bones and seeing you last night, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t need to ask since it’s none of my business...” He paused for a moment, his hand ghosting over my fingers, “I’m here for you, whatever you need, Y/N.” I looked at him, his eyes catching mine.
“Shownu...” I felt a blush start to prickle at my cheeks and I looked down at my lap, soon his warm wet fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear, “Tomorrow is my last night here so, I wouldn’t get too attached to me.”
“I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’ll make the moments you spend with me memorable, to where you won’t forget me or want to leave me.”
“Not like I could forget meeting a merman.” I breathed, moving out into the water.
“Oh, would you like me to leave then?” He huffed, moving out into the water with me.
“No!” I exclaimed and Shownu snorted, trying to stifle a laugh, “Don’t be mean.” I splashed water at him and he chuckled.
“Oh, now it’s on.” He hissed, playfully pulling me to him, his fingers poking at my sides making me squirm and giggle under his touch. I struggled to get away from him, but his hands ceased their attack and held me close to him, his warmth spreading through my back.
“Is this where you kill me?” I joked, a laugh leaving him.
“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve already.” I rested my head against his chest, watching the moon ripple on the water.
“The more time I spend out here in the water, the more I feel myself wanting to stay. For a change of scenery, to get away from my home, away from the memories that linger in that town...” I ran my fingers over Shownu’s arm, his grip tightening.
“Then why don’t you stay?”
“There’s just things I have to return to... work, school... life in general. I rather spend my time here, with you, soaking up the moonlight and avoiding stress.”
“Stress? Why are you so stressed?”
“It’s a long story.”
“We’ve got three more hours until daylight, so we’ve got time.”
“Well...” I went into deep detail of my life for the past few months since my break up with my ex and about how I’ve been dealing with it. Every once in a while Shownu would ask a question and then fall silent again; once I finished my life story, Shownu rested his head in the nook of my neck.
“I wish you never had to go through that, Y/N... You’re such a sweet girl. If I were human, I would keep you by my side forever.” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.
“You’re too kind, Shownu... We just met and I feel like I’ve known you for forever.” I relaxed into him, sighing a bit, noticing the break of daylight leaking out onto the water, “Time to go, Shownu...”
“Just a few more minutes, please.” Shownu tightened his grip on me, burying his face into my damp hair.
“Just a few, I don’t want you getting caught.” Shownu lifted his head, turning it in close to my cheek, his lips grazing against my skin.
“Alright.” Shownu held me close for a few more moments, short silent moments, before he let me go and placed a soft kiss against my cheek, “Midnight, my dear.”
“Deal.” I smiled, watching him dive down, and disappear.
Day Four: 12:00am
I sat down on the cold sand in jeans and a thick sweater, the sea salt breeze starting to get colder every night. I watched the water ripple, waiting for Shownu to appear. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them, my eyes getting heavy. I dug my phone from my pocket, looking at the clock that read 12:10.
Maybe he got caught up with something... He knows it’s our last night...
I hugged my legs, burying my face into my sweater to fight off the cold breeze, closing my eyes.
“Y/N...” A gentle voice called out, rousing me from my sleep. I pulled my head up for the bright sunlight to blind me.
It’s morning?
I rubbed my eyes, blinking them a few times before trying to focus on anything around me.
He didn’t show...
Warmth spread over the top of my head, causing me to look up, a shadow looming over me, “I’m sorry it took me so long, Y/N, but I’m here now...” Shownu’s voice met my ears and I smiled.
“That’s funny... you sound like—” The shadow crouched down, my eyes focusing on the voice’s face, Shownu’s features coming into focus.
“It is me, dork.” He whispered and I looked him up and down, no tail, but human legs covered by the blanket I brought out.
“Shownu?!” I squealed, jumping from the sand to face him, “H-How is this possible?” I studdered, trying to take in his body. He stood, a little wobbly on his feet.
“When my father passed, he knew I was not meant for the sea, he gave me an elixir saying that it could make one sprout legs to walk the earth. I thought it was all a joke so I didn’t mess with it, but then I met you and I needed to at least try to see if it was real... and now...” He chuckled, “I’m here, in front of you, naked...”
“Oh shit, Shownu, let’s get you inside.” I took his hand, tugging him up to the balcony, “When did you get here? How long did you let me sleep?” I walked up the stairs and then I pushed open the sliding door to be met by my mother’s and my sister’s stares.
“Y/N? Who is the naked—”
“No time to explain, mom. Anessa, do you still have some of your husbands old clothes that don’t fit him anymore?” They stared at me then skimmed over Shownu, him shyly lifting his hand, waving— them not moving, “Y’all!” I yelled, Anessa rushing to her room.
“Let me go draw a bath for him, you must be freezing, dear.” My mother looked over him once more before going to the bathroom. Sam just sat there, ogling him, her mouth slightly ajar.
“Sam, go do something with yourself...” I growled, pulling Shownu over to the bathroom, my mother sliding out to let us through. I closed the door behind us and I sighed leaning against the counter, “They’re going to be the death of me...”
“They seem nice.”
“They can be, until they see a gorgeous man walk through the door.” Shownu chuckled at my words, “Alright, merman, get into the bath.” He looked at me and then at the bathtub.
“The what?”
“The bath...” I pointed at the tub and he shrugged his shoulders, starting to get into the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around his waist, “Oh, hold on...” I took the blanket into my hands, closing my eyes, pulling it from his body.
“Can I not get that wet?”
“I mean you could, but the bath is to wash you.”
“Wash me?” I opened my eyes to be met with his confused gaze.
“Yes, wash you. Now sit.” He sat down at my words.
“It’s hot.”
“Yup, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took the cup that was on the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, then pouring it over his hair. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and he cocked his head to the side.
“What’s that?”
“Shampoo, it’s to wash your hair.” I opened the cap and squirted the thick liquid into my hand and rubbed it into his hair, creating a thick lather, and then pouring the water through his hair once more to rise it out. I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him, “Okay so this is body wash, you take this...” I grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet and handed it to him, “Soak that in the water and add some of the body wash to the cloth and clean your body. I’m going to go get the clothes from Anessa.”
“Mmm.” He nodded his head and I left the bathroom, Anessa, Sam, and my mother looking at me.
“What?”
“Who is that man?” Sam crossed her arms, huffing.
I laughed a little, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, just think of him as my new companion... Anessa, those clothes?”
“Ah.” She handed me a stack of clothes and I smiled, “When we get home, I’ll send these back.”
“Just keep them. They’re too big for him anyway.”
“Thanks.” I turned back and walked into the bathroom to see Shownu standing outside of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Oh, you’re done?”
“I think so.”
“Well, c’mon, let’s go get you dressed.” I opened the door once again, starting to walk out when Shownu’s hand gripped onto the fabric of my sweater, following closely behind me.
Shownu sat on my bed, clothed in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his eyes roaming the bedroom. I dug in one of the dresser drawers, pulling out another towel and I walked over in front of him, “Your hair is still wet, you’re going to get a cold, goofy.” I gently rubbed his hair, drying the dripping ends, his hands wrapping around my waist.
“Is this what it would be like everyday with you?” He nuzzled his face into my chest, my cheeks burning at the feeling of his warmth radiating through my body.
“Shownu, why did you change?”
Not missing a beat, he spoke, “Because I found someone I couldn’t live in the water with, so I changed...” He gazed up at me, his unwavering chestnut eyes looking into my soul, “So I could be with you.”
#Monsta X imagines#monsta x drabbles#monsta x shownu#monsta x hyunwoo#monsta x Shownu imagines#monsta x Shownu drabbles#monsta x hyunwoo imagines#monsta x hyunwoo drabbles#shownu imagines#shownu drabbles#Son hyunwoo imagines#son hyunwoo drabbles
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A Very Monster Christmas (Monster Roommate AU) PT4
Jesus fuck its been awhile. Believe it or not I actually have 3 whole chapters written including the conclusion to the christmas series so hopefully when I finish one more in between chapter I can actually post weekly again. Think of it like constipation but for writing.
PT4 The Weather Outside is Frightful
“No.”
“Penny please I'm so bored and you could use the babysitting practice.” Leech bravely took her eldritch's gloved hands in her own. The clown was not moved.
“I just saved you three days ago. You are not to leave.”
The nosferatu frowned and dropped his hands. “You know I'm just going to find a way out anyway.” she grinned at him smugly while Pennywise's upper lip twitched over his fangs in annoyance.
“You try my patience little thing” he growled and moved closer to her till she could feel hot puffs of air on her cold cheeks.
“I'm not going alone anyway Fred, Chucky and Drac are coming with me.”
The clown’s eyes narrowed into slits “That makes it worse.”
“Junior let the blood sucker get some fresh air for crying out loud.” Uncle Penny groaned as he turned to Leech’s mom. “I swear he is the biggest drama queen you should have seen him when he woke up the guy put on the biggest tantrum.”
Pennywise snarled and turned to his elder half baring his fangs in warning.
“If you want me to stop then cut the theatrics kiddo.” the elder clown huffed and quickly motioned for the group to leave.
Leech was mostly out the door by the time Pennywise registered she had slipped out “Bye Love don't eat Chucky’s kids!” she called out to him as the old door slammed behind her. The clown’s eyes were alarming red and yellow facing completely different directions. Before he could react to being tricked he felt a harsh tug on the puff of his pantaloons.
“All right Jingles, your baby mama asked me to give you a crash course on how to not completely fuck up your family and my mother always said the best way to learn is to try it yourself.” Tiff began as she pulled the massive creature back into the living room. “Now I want you to sit down with Glen and Glenda and have a nice little chat with them.”
“Oh this ought to be amazing!” Uncle Penny laughed and got comfortable in his seat to watch the show.
-----
“So what's the plan boys local bar? Convenience store? I'm partial to crashing a house party myself.” The vampire said turning around to her ghoulish companions.
“I dunno Fangs whatevers closest its fuckin freezing out here” Freddy pulled his trench coat tighter. Dracula lagged behind slightly uncomfortable with the implications of their outing. Chucky who was being generously carried by Leech called out to him.
“Come on Drac you're lagging behind and getting laid takes time. We ain't got all night!”
“This is very generous of all of you but I do not need-”
“Yeah 200 years is a long enough of a dry spell dude, come on you helped me get my man I'm gonna help you.” Leech shouted over him as she pushed through some deeper snow.
“Woah there fangs let's not push through the deep stuff in a snow storm.” The doll gripped his friend tighter
“I'm leading this hunting party dont like it you can walk.” The vampire stated simply and pushed onward through the field.
“Yeah great idea to take a short cut into town through deep snow Fangs!” Freddy huffed.
“Well the three of you wouldnt let me take the trees and roof tops.” Leech grumbled and continued to push onward.
“Fangs do I look like I was built to Spiderman around? Good Guy dolls are made for hugs not acrobatics and you're too clumsy anyway.” Chucky grumbled while clinging to his friend.
“I've gotten better!” Leech shouted and Dracula coughed.
“Eh debatable apprentice.”
“Oh yeah and when's the last time you actually instructed me on anything” the younger vampire growled.
“Well after you cancelled the last three times to as you so artfully put it, marathon with your lover, I assumed you were far too busy for things like learning to survive.” a dark color tinted the nosferatu's cheeks as she nearly tripped in the deep snow.
“One of those times was for a legitimate movie marathon ok!”
“Yeah that ended in the other kind.” Freddy added.
“So what if my sex life is healthy.”
“Excessive is a bit more like it.” the doll grumbled.
“Ok Pen and I both have big appetites it works out.” Leech led her friends out of the deep snow as Freddy snorted.
“Yeah I'll say! Vampires man you all are in a constant state of horny I swear.”
“Excuse you flatmate!” the elder vampire called out in offense.
“Yeah you're not one to talk you told me all about your adventures before the “Mina” incident. Didn't you bang her friend in the form of a wolf or something?”
“DO NOT SPEAK OF HER NAME”
“Do you need to hold Chucky again Drac? He said it himself he's good for hugs.” Leech sneered holding her friend out as he thrashed angrily.
“Hug me and I'll remove your eyeballs!”
“Hey if I squeeze you tight enough will you say the catch phrase?” the vampire hugged the enraged doll despite his warning. Chucky went eerily still.
“Fangs if you weren't filled with a murderous fear God’s kids you'd be dead right now” he snarled. Leech laughed at the empty threat and patted her belly.
“Gotta love my little security blankets! I wonder how he's doing.”
“My guess is terribly.” the dream demon chuckled.
“I want to say I have faith in my mate but seeing how they're Chucky's kids...you're probably right.” leech sighed and stretched as they finally walked into town. Chucky straightened himself back out as his feet touched the ground.
“Just an fyi fangs you're paying for the therapy.”
------
“Whys your head so big?”
Pennywise grunted in response. He sat cross legged on the floor in front of two children who stared up at their natural predator with wide eyes. The little boy crawled forward.
“Are you an oni?”
“A what?”
“An oni”
“Kid wants to know if you're a demon junior.” the senior Pennywise shouted.
“I am much more than a simple demon child!” the clown snarled with malice
“Yeah yeah eater of worlds, be nice Jingles or I'll make sure you can't have any more kids” Tiffany growed as she sharpened a knife.
“You cant possibly kill me doll.”
“Wasnt talking about killing you” the dolls mother slammed the blade into the coffee table. The clown's golden eyes grew wide for a moment as Leech's mom gently spoke up.
“Pennywise try a more friendly approach with them!”
“HAHAHAHAH Sally baby I've been telling him that for 200 years. It's like menacing asshole is in his DNA.” his older self cackled nearly falling out of his seat.
“Thanks for making me a hit with the in law.” The younger clown grumbled under his breath.
“Why is your eye messed up?” glenda leaned forward crossing her eyes to imitate the clown who began to growl low as red tinted his irises.
“You're lucky I'm dieting”
“And Fangs is lucky you still have a functioning dick right now.” Tiffany warned as Sally cringed.
“Can we not talk about my daughter like that”
“Yeah uh how much do you know about your daughter dollface” Uncle Penny's fingers wrapped around the witch as he pulled his cigar out of his mouth.
“She takes after her father”
“I'm tempted to ask but I think Jingles is about to have a major breakthrough in positive child interaction”
“Mister Pennywise can I touch your nose?” Glen asked eyes wide
“Uh…” the clown glanced up at his companions who all enthusiastically motioned for him to agree. “All right child.” the clown craned his body close to what he usually considered an appetizer. Glen reached forward his small hand touching first the clowns nose then his cheek running his thumb on the smooth clay like skin.
“Its not paint?”
Penny blinked at the question. “No. It is not.”
“It feels like paint though how are you doing that?”
“I can do many things child.” the corner of the monsters lips tugged up with a ghost of a warm smile. This one wasn't so bad, it asked many questions but he could tolerate it. He could tolerate it till its sister began to speak.
“Can you make a balloon animal?”
“Oh course I can” Pennywise smiled wide and reached behind his back pulling out a giraffe
“Not with your tricks do it for real”
Pennywise stared at the little girl completely motionless. He didn't actually know how to make a balloon animal. His his uncle elbowed what be considered to be his mother-in-law with wicked excitement.
“Well? Can you do it or not?” the child asked impatiently.
“I..”
“Jeeze what kind of clown doesn't know how to make a balloon animal.”
Pennywise lunged forward teeth first “NO! I mean I can. I can do anything, I am all powerful and I can easily entertain two little brats.”
“Yeah right you're boring I can do better tricks than you!” Glenda sneered right back in the predators face.
“Oh boy here we go.” Tiff sighed and handed her son to Leatherface while moving to grab her daughter. “Glenda sweetie leave the clown alone.”
Pennywise glared at the child and snarled “Like what.”
“Like this.” Glenda shouted pulling a small knife from her pocket and stabbed the clown in the eye. Pennywise let out a horrible roar muffling the cackling from his older self as Tiffany dragged her daughter out of the grasp of the rampaging clown.
“I'm not paying for therapy.” she sighed as she dragged her kid out of the room.
---
The four monsters pressed onward into town the rising wind kept the wiser safe in their homes. These four were not among that category. Freddy wiped some frozen ice off his scarred skin and paused outside of the general store after seeing the “closed” sign hanging in the doorway. Up ahead of him Chucky groaned.
“Ugh this trip was pointless we're not gonna find anything open.”
“Then let's break in somewhere Drac can do a hypnosis trick or something.” Leech growled a bit her hunger getting to her as her mentor rolled his eyes.
“You could too if you practiced more.”
“Do you want me to help you get your dick wet or not Dracula.” the younger vampire hissed.
“Are you implying that I need help? My dear you realize I have seduced thousands of women.”
“And yet none of them stuck around.” the dream demon chuckled while elbowing his companions.
Dracula swore loudly in his mother tongue as his companions turned heel down an alley.
“Some of them were murdered!” he called after them then pulled his coat tighter hiding his dark cheeks. Dracula breathed in deep to sigh before proceeding forward when something caught his nose. It was musty, damp and beastial with a hint of the forest. The realization hit him too late….They had been followed.
#pennywise#pennywise x oc#it fanfiction#horror fanfiction#pennywise fanfiction#freddy krueger#chucky#it 2017#slasher fanfiction#monster roommate au
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All the 2's
WELP I HATE THIS FUCKING SITE WHEN TRYING TO MAKE A POST, SO @alotteofchar HERES YOURS TOO. And I slightly hate you for putting all of them….
1.You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?
UH, well it’s one of my best girl friends so, prolly “what the fuck”
3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?
Immensely, but that’s just cause I care about their wellbeing?
4. Is your last name longer than six letters?
Exactly 6
5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
Kinda tipsy tbh
6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?
Absolutely
7. What does your last received text say?
😂😂😂😂
8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
Hosnestly too many to count
9. Where was your last kiss at?
My house!
10. When is the last time you saw your sister?
In June on my vacation to my home town!
11. What do you drink in the morning?
Monster during the summer and coffee in the winter!
12. Where did you sleep last night?
My broken ass bed 😂
13. Do you think relationships are hard?
No? I dont know. I mean they can be, just depends I guess
14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would yo?
Yes!!
15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?
Nopee!!
16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
Sunny!
17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
Lol my mom.
18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pant?
Work pants ftw
19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Uhhhhh, yeah! Probably
20. Does anyone like you?
Well, I fuckin HOPE so. Unless this means like, LIKE-like, then I still have my doubts,
21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?
Yeah! Just one though!
22. Is the last person you kissed gay?
Nope!
23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?
A few, but usually, I’m easy to get on with
24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?
Hell yeah! I’ve got 2, but I’m about to be getting my quarter sleeve started in a few weeks!!
25. In the past week have you cried?
Yeah, but hear me out, it was a SUPER cute commercial about a dog,
26. What breed was the last dog you saw?
Uhhhhhh, in person? My aunts beautiful mutt.
27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?
Kinda both?
28. Have you ever kissed a football player?
Not totally sure on this one
29. Do you think you’re old?
Pfft, nah. I fuckin feel it though
30. Do you like text messaging?
Eh, its not too bad, but I have to switch apps and I’m lazy af about it sometimes
31. What type of day are you having?
Tired, at work dealing with finicky equipment
32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?
Yeah! But uh, fuck that.
33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Hot as fuck weather with almost no humidity tbh
34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
YESSSS
35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?
Uhhhh depends upon the person.
36. Are you a simple or complicated person?
Haha, yes.
37. What song are you listening to?
Steady hum of my equipment right now. But the last one was Hooked on you by Aranda
38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?
Well fuck yeah, I wouldnt say it if I didnt fuckin mean it.
39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yeah!! My sister
40. What made you start liking the person you like now?
Personality!!
41. When did you last receive a text message?
11:16pm
42. What is wrong with you right now?
Pfft most things, but, these old finicky cunts of equipment are really getting on my nerves
43. How well do you know the last female you texted?
Well, it’s my mom now, but okayish?
44. Does anyone disgust you?
Ugh yeah, a few actually
46. Are you in a good mood right now?
Yes!
47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Winan worker who comes to my part of the plant
48. What color shirt are you wearing?
Black!
49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?
Yeah. But like, it was about equipment breaking, so
50. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yup!
51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?
Nahh, they cool
52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?
Yeah! Only once though
53. Do you like rain?
Yeah! Only when I’m not in it
54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?
Nah,
55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Yeap! Regrettably
56. Do you like to cuddle?
Aha, well yeah!
57. Are you shy?
Honestly depends.
58. Do you get along with girls?
I get along with, but can get super annoyed, but that’s with everyone I guess
59. Have you dated the person you texted last?
Lol, no
61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?
1 night of horror is nothing to getting out of debt tbh
60. What do you carry with you at all times?
Phone, mostly
62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?
Yeah!
63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?
Yep!!😁
64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?
I’d probably fuckin swoon honestly
65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?
YES, I CAUGHT A TINY ASS TOAD AND IT WAS ADORABLE
66. How old are the last three people you kissed?
21, 21, and 21. (Now)
67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?
Well, get them done, but that’s just because they know what they’re doing, lol
68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?
No
69. Do you have any stickers on your car?
Yeah! Like 3
70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?
Uh, I dont know?
71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?
Is BlackBerry still a thing?? Android though.
72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?
Like a week ago now
73. Do you like diet soda?
Only the fruit flavors of diet rite!
74. What color are the walls in your room?
White!
75. Are you 16 or older?
Yuh
76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?
Naj
77. Do you have a job?
Yes!! And I love it!!
78. What are your initials?
Hmf!
79. Did you ever have braces?
Nope.
80. Are you from the south?
Lmfao yess
81. What does your last status on facebook say?
It was years ago, and I’m not fucking up this post again to look at it. This is the farthest I’ve gotten
82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?
Nope!
83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?
My dad definitely!
84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?
Tried to! But I’m hella uncoordinated
85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?
Incredibles 2!
86. Do you smoke?
Yeah….
87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?
Heels, I fucking hate flip flops
88. Is your phone touch screen?
Yes!
89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?
Uh, wavy or straight.
90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?
Lol yes, but my dad never caught me.
91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?
Uh, pool probably, I’m kinda weird about this shit tho
92. Have you ever made out in a car?
Yep!
93. …Had sex in a car?
Ahaha, well yeah, just not my preferred method
95. What were you doing last night at midnight?
I was out cold
96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?
July 4th!
97. Do you like the camera on your phone?
It’s not bad, I guess
98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?
Yep!
99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Too many times, lol
100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?
No doubt!
101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
A few
102. Name your favorite Kesha song:
Tik-Toc!
103. Do you have any tan lines right now?
More like burn lines….
104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?
I have before and I will again!
This took literal hours, blood, and tears, cause this hell site kept fucking up!
And @zerxes96
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@h-eadphxnes
{ ✧ }
The smallest spark could ignite the tension present in the house.
Laine stayed up in her room, under her covers, door locked and blocked with her dresser for good measure. The window was open an inch, the max height the bars would let it. She was glad Zane was at Jeremiah’s. She wasn’t sure if the adrenaline from running upstairs had worn off; the last thing Zane’s system needed was more stress.
Then her phone buzzed.
[text: zane]: god laine i don’t know what to do. [text: zane]: shit happened with mickey [text: zane]: not chandler-related, promise [text: zane]: but just [text: zane]: he doesn’t want me to care about him?
Laine’s brow knitted, and she threw off her covers. Too warm.
[text: laine]: ok ok slow down [text: laine]: tell me whats goin on
The next few minutes were spent watching Zane send her screencaps of his previous conversation with Mickey; Laine’s heart sunk with each new photo. That argument looked familiar. She still remembered that night, where she really began to interact with Mickey, and she found out what he had told Edd...
But Laine was Laine. Rock-hearted, overprotective, impulsive, angry Laine. Zane, when he knew someone, was soft-hearted, emotional, and easily hurt. Maybe he thought he could have gotten through to Mickey.
He was so in love with Mickey. Everyone knew that. Laine was almost certain Mickey knew it, too, and Zane knew the feelings weren’t returned. Laine knew he was trying so, so hard to get over his feelings for Mickey, but it was like every conversation made him fall for Mickey harder. Laine didn’t see why. Then she’d think of her own crush and immediately get it.
She read over the texts and sighed.
[text: laine]: ok look zane [text: laine]: i know this is gonna be hard for you to hear [text: laine]: but. just do as he says
[text: zane]: what?! [text: zane]: didn’t you tell me that you weren’t giving up on him?!
[text: laine]: i never said i was [text: laine]: im just sayin theres no use in arguin w him over this [text: laine]: hes just gonna get more upset if you dont
Pause.
[text: zane]: you’re right. [text: zane]: just... i don’t understand.
[text: laine]: i dont either, man. thats just how he is. [text: laine]: that doesnt mean you CANT care. [text: laine]: just. do things. do things to show you care. [text: laine]: just dont say it.
[text: zane]: i hate my heart, laine.
[text: laine]: i know u do, zane.
[text: zane]: i just want to get over him. everyone would be better off. [text: zane]: you wouldnt be annoyed with my feelings and mickey wouldnt hate me and i wouldnt hate myself. [text: zane]: i just wanna destroy my fucking feelings.
[text: laine]: zane, cmon, u know im not annoyed and u know mickey doesnt hate u.
[text: zane]: im sorry. [text: zane]: im just... conflicted.
[text: laine]: i know.
[text: zane]: im taking a walk. just around town. i’ll probably come home after.
[text: laine]: first, are u sure u wanna do that bc moms fucking PISSED dude [text: laine]: second pls be safe and text me when ur on ur way home so i dont have a fuckin heart attack like yesterday
[text: zane]: yes, im sure. i dont really care honestly. [text: zane]: and i will, promise. you know i can take care of myself.
[text: laine]: im ur sister. u know me.
[text: zane]: yeah. i know you.
[text: laine]: see you soon?
[text: zane]: see you soon.
Laine closed her phone with a heavy sigh, grabbing her pillow and lying on top of it.
No one was going to get out of this mess unscathed, were they?
{ ✦ }
#h-eadphxnes#SCREAMS#b y e#;on the move {ic}#;v: hunted down in study hall {'normal' verse}#;mirrored magic {laine and zane}#;memoirs {drabbles}
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My Story
Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 3rd 2017 I have a home group, love and service in Rochester NY, i have a sponsor, i have a service position and I am currently working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I shared at the forensics unit at our psych center and nothing came out right and i didn’t actually know how to share my story so I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and share it on here before my next share. I grew up in what would appear to be just a totally normal middle class home in Henrietta NY. I have 4 older sisters and 2 incredibly loving amazing supportive and sometimes absolutely insane parents. While i was growing up I felt exactly how alot of people say that they did too, i felt different, left out and not good enough for anybody. In elementary school I was already a compulsive liar, telling people that i had boyfriends and stupid stuff like that. I turned to food to hide my feelings and to hide myself and that turned into me being bullied for being over weight. And even from that young age i took the things that those people said to me straight to heart and it was gospel and they were right, I was fat, i had awful acne, i was ugly and nobody would ever love me because of my appearance. I decided I wanted to lose that weight when i was going into 8th grade and I lost some of it and was actually pretty normal for the most part at that time. I then thought i was completely in love with a guy in 8th grade who was also my best friend and we hung out over that winter break and i thought something was going to happen, like obviously we were going to be in love and get married but instead he told me that he didn’t want me in that way, turns out hes actually gay now but it sent me on a downward spiral into mental illness that was lurking in the shadows of my life since I could think. I developed anorexia and starved myself every day until i got down to about 100lbs, my family and I went on vacation and being around them i wasn’t able to eat (well not eat) the way that I was. I cried every single night on that vacation because of how utterly disgusted with myself i was. I then came home and developed bulimia because the control of the starving was completely gone. But the night that boy told me he didn’t want me, something else happened. I drank, it was NYE at my sisters house and I was 14 years old, her friends asked me if i wanted a drink and god did i want a drink. I wanted to feel the careless joy the people around me were feeling. They made the mistake of showing me where their green tea vodka was and i started drinking and didn’t stop until it was gone. I remember while i was drinking that something inside of me started to change, i wasn’t shy and concerned with what other people were thinking of me anymore, i didn’t care at all about anything. I remember my tongue and my cheeks getting numb and i was on cloud nine. After that night i was too preoccupied with my ED to give a fuck about drinking or drugging until bulimia came into play. I started snorting adderall so that i wouldnt eat and that went on through ninth grade until i went to program for my eating disorder and those people saved me from dying from that disease. But after i got out of that program, life got real. I had about a year of decent normalcy but at the beginning of my junior year things started to progress. I started to not give a shit about school at all, i started skipping classes and going to parties on weekends and drinking whenever it was an option for me. I started dating guys who were really just not good people and i had only one friend. We went out when we could but it never dawned on me that I was drinking any differently than any of the other kids i was around because really I wasn’t but the way it was affecting me and the way i was thinking about it was COMPLETELY different from those kids. They would stop drinking so they could drive home or they literally had DD’s but to be honest i dont remember much about those couple of years. I graduated highschool early because i hated literally everyone and i was convinced that they all hated me and judged me because most of the time they did. In my senior year i started using the tinder app and i would go over to random guys houses and meet them and every time that happened id get to drink, in my bio it even said “alcohol enthusiast”. boy was i wrong. I thought it was normal to do what i was doing, i really didnt think twice about it. Meeting these guys and being able to get black out drunk and then maybe sleep with them just seemed like a normal thing to do. Until my parents started asking questions about where i was going and why there were alcohol containers in my car and i would lie and say they were someone elses but theyre not stupid they knew they were mine. Things slowed down a little while i was in my first couple semesters of nursing school, i still drank but just on weekends with my boyfriend at the time and his roommates, and i thought i was drinking normally but i guess blacking out and starting fights on purpose because of your drinking isn’t neccesarily normal. I wouldn’t walk around the park ave area with him at night time unless he wanted to drink and that became a norm for me. I needed a drink if i was going to do anything at all, go to the movies? drink. hang out with literally anyone? drink. watching some tv? drink. While my boyfriend at the time went on vacation for christmas i decided to go to a party because if i saw anything about anyone drinking on social media i was on top of it, i made sure i had a way to get drunk whenever and i went to that party and i did cocaine for the second time in my life. the first time i really dont remember much but it was before i had met Kenny. So he went away and I went to a harmless party and kept my drinks near me like they were my children. I heard they were doing shots downstairs and i went down there and took probably 7 tequila shots in a row and blacked out, i came too when i started doing lines and by the time it was 7am i was calling him asking him to help me. That was a thing of mine, was to get drunk one place and then message or text as many people as possible to help me because i needed to go somewhere else or do something else because i didn’t want the fun to end. I kept on drinking the way i was drinking but because of how sick and awful i had felt i didn’t touch drugs again for a little while but i did wind up finding them again. but then all of a sudden over the summer of last year, shit hit the fan. I was drinking every single night and one night i went and hungout with a guy i had met probably on tinder and he said he needed to stop by a friends house for a birthday gift and i was like oh yeah ok cool, turns out his friend was the supplier for the whole town he lived in and she offered me some and i actually said no. i scolded him for his awful decision making and we went to Durand beach to get drunk and by the end of that night i had at some point asked if i could have some of his drugs so that i could safely drive home and obviously he said yes and then life went crazy. i went back to durand with that same person but met a whole bunch of other people and some how met a small group of people another time on that night and i wish i had clearer details but i was really a black out drinker and i wouldnt come to unless i had something else in my system. So we met this other smaller group of people and my life changed. some how i started attracting people who had what i thought i needed and wanted and id switch back and forth between these peoples houses getting free drinks and drugs and staying up for days at a time and not coming home and moving from job to job trying to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t stop thinking about being able to get the next drink or drug. Id go to morning classes after not sleeping in two days and be completely strung out or just not go at all. I got to a point where i couldnt drink without putting a drug in my system and i tried. I tried to stop myself from getting too drunk by switching drinks or not having as many and i was convinced i didn’t have a problem because i didn’t drink during the day so i clearly wasn’t an alcoholic. I would try to drink around people who didn’t approve of me doing drugs and i still somehow managed to go from house to house to house getting drinks and drugs until there was nothing left. One night i was at a house with all of these people i had been drinking and drugging with who i thought i really was just living the life with and i went upstairs and had a panic attack. I wanted to go home because something in me created a feeling that told me i no longer belonged there. So after 3 days of not being home and countless cries for help to my therapist and other people i called my parents at 4am and told them i was coming home and sobbing i told them i needed to talk to them. That night i told them about what i had been doing and got myself an intake appointment for outpatient. And i still at that point thought i probably only had a drug problem and that it wasn’t the drinking. i really didnt think it was the drinking. But once i started outpatient, i couldnt for life of me stay sober but i wanted it i really did. and when i tell you that night i went home that i was desperate for help i mean i wanted to die. i spent so many days of coming down just praying for god to take my life because truly i couldn’t live it anymore. Times id come home so sick and dehydrated my mom would have to run IV’s through me and id lay on that bathroom floor wishing it would all just end. I had known about AA but it was introduced to me through a girl in my outpatient and she told me she was going to a meeting and i told her i wanted to go. I had just relapsed for what would be the last time and i wanted to be sober more than anything and i couldn’t handle the constant relapses. My first AA meeting was wits end when it was upstairs at Rosedale and i was not buying any of it. I was convinced that all those young people car pooling were getting drunk directly after the meeting and that they were all just liars and fakes. I was texting someone ABOUT getting drunk at that meeting but luckily nobody would comply because on that Sunday i went to a womens meeting in fairport and i felt so engulfed with love and acceptance it was incredible. These women gave me a coin and hugged me and even though they talked about god they were something i hadnt experienced in a long time and that was happy without needing a drink or a drug to do it. I was handed that 24 hour coin and I decided maybe I’d do a couple more of these meeting things but i wouldn’t get involved like they were. My friend and i started going to a 5:30 meeting that was mostly old people or people off the street who were drunk but i stuck around for long enough to meet Pat and he was the FIRST person i heard share within my 2 months of meetings that i could actually relate to and for the first time i went up and talked to someone after they spoke and i told him how much i related and he told me to go to his home group Love and Service and that he wanted to introduce me to someone and that someone turned out to be my sponsor. I had no idea what i was doing and i knew that if i didn’t start to actually do something other than meetings that i was going to drink again and i didn’t want that for myself anymore. So my sponsor and i didnt even discuss her sponsoring me it just happened and she told me to get phone numbers and find a home group and a service position and it took me a couple weeks but i did it. meanwhile, my friend who introduced me to AA asked me if i was calling my sponsor every day and i was like uhhhh what do you mean call her everyday?????? and my friends like yeah duh thats like an unspoken aa rule and i called my sponsor right after that i was like OMG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY. Mostly i just didn’t have any idea how the hell to communicate with people anymore without being drunk. My social awkwardness was at level 100 and im still working on that lol. but we met up and she started to pray and she said “hey god” in the beginning of the prayer like he was just a friend and i was like oh good i got a crazy one idk how well this is gunna workout. but she started taking me through the book and something else changed, i started to grow. this is the longest ive ever done literally anything in my life and it has changed my life drastically already even just at almost 6 months sober. Today I have a full time job that i actually go to every day, today I’m able to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Today I am learning who i am and how to deal with life on lifes terms and im becoming patient and im just in this constant growth and its absolutely amazing. I’ve found a higher power that i dont understand at all but I know its there and im able to learn things about myself every day and get called out when i’m wrong and just begin to actually live and its amazing. I’m still a work in progress but I am so beyond grateful to be here. Thank you
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Final Project
Tagging: DJ Berry & Kirin Rhodes ( @kirinrhodes )
Date: August 3, 2020
Location: Breadstix
Summary: Final Project
DJ
DJ hadn't been sure what to expect about getting paired with Kirin. She knew virtually nothing about him as a Dominant and so the questions reflecting those things had not gotten the greatest responses. The only reason she knew his age and birthday were because she just happened to be rooming with his sister; so she was looking forward to working out some of the right answers throughout their conversation that evening. Waiting at the front gate, she bit down on her bottom lip. She was a tad nervous about the paparazzi, but she would simply focus on the task that needed to be completed and hope that would help.
Kirin
Kirin took care to pick out very mundane clothing, well, as mundane as he owned. For good measure he slipped a rather plain hoodie on and then some sunglasses and a baseball cap. But looking in the mirror he couldn't' stand the sight of himself in a cap and tossed it aside. "You can do this," he said to himself, nervous of what the paparazzi would make of this outing. He put on his mask of a face and met with DJ. "Hello," he said, looking her over. She seemed presentable enough. "I apologize that this night could be interrupted and that I have to preface it at all ,but I am going to insist that if someone comes up asking questions or wanting pictures that you do not comment what so ever. Even if they provoke you. Can you agree to that?"
DJ
"Hello, Sir. I hope that you've managed to have a good day today. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me so early in the month." The submissive offered, a kind smile forming on her face. She hadn't worn anything particularly fancy, but also hadn't chosen her comfiest pair of sweat pants either. "Yes, Sir. I can agree to that. I won't make any comments to anyone asking any questions or anyone wanting photos. You have my word." DJ assured him. She didn't really want to talk or have pictures taken with people that she didn't know anyway and so that worked out well in her opinion.
Kirin
Kirin looked her over again, trying to make sure there was nothing that would draw attention negatively or in any other way. After a long moment, he nodded and went for the door. "Good. Thank you," he said again, very stiff. As they walked towards the parking lot he considered just walking into town, but decided that a car would be idea for a speedy get away should they need it. He hit the fob and his way-too-fancy-for-Lima-car beeped. The doors opened automatically for them. "I'm not sure I'm entirely clear on what we're supposed to be talking about," he admitted as they drove the short trip to down town.
DJ
"You're welcome, Sir." DJ expressed, not wanting to say or do anything that would frustrate him more than he already appeared to be. Her eyes widened at the sight of the car that they would be driving in, but she didn't comment, simply slipping inside. "From what I've read, I think we're supposed to just be getting to know one another. So that at the end of thing, we can answer the questions better than we answered them the first time around. I don't know if they intend for us to get it all correct...but at least have a better idea." She mused, glancing over at the Dominant as she spoke.
Kirin
Kirin had read the directions but with how distracting his life had been he hadn't really felt them sink in. "That makes more sense actually, thank you. Well, ahem, I guess we should get to it then. Where do you come from?"
DJ
"I'm from Brooklyn, New York, Sir. Born and raised. Followed my brother here after I finished my business degree. While my family isn't rich, this small town was definitely a bit of a culture shock when I first arrived. Still getting used to if in some respects, but I like it. Where are you from?" DJ questioned, feeling a bit more comfortable in the moment. Easy questions were smart to start with.
Kirin
New York was a respectable place to be from, in his opinion and he was quite surprised to learn she had a business degree. "Interesting. And do you intend to open a small business," he asked,always interested in what other people did with their busines ventures. "I'm from Texas, though we traveled a lot for different events and whatnot. I've spent time in New York, lovely place. My sister loves it there, but then again, there's shopping and people to dote on her, so why wouldnt' she?"
DJ
"I'm honestly not quite sure. I think that would depend on where I go and what my requirements from my Dominant are." She mused, thinking about the small plans that she had Jo had started talking about if things between them continued to work out the way that they had been. And she sincerely hoped that they did. "I'd at least like to help run some sort of business. Whether that's opening my own or helping one already established remains to be seen." She listened to the words spoken from Kirin and smiled. "It is a wonderful place. Where was your favorite place to travel?"
Kirin
"Oh yes of course. It's rather hard for a submissive to actually own any business. But there have been some that co-own with thier Doms and do alright. But no particular passion towards a product or service yet? Not that passion is neccessary. I certainly don't have a passion, per se, for paper prodcuts," he chuckled. "I'm not dreaming of new napkin designs in my spare time." He considered her question as he pulled into a parking spot down town and peered out the windshield, looking for anyone with a camera. It seemed clear for now. "I've travled many places, but oddly enough, the camp we went to last year for a school outing was one of my more fond memories. Despite the fact that we were all convinced we were being stalked by a mass murderer."
DJ
"Not really. For a long time I thought I would find myself in production for plays, but life led me here instead. Though as of recent...running a hotel has sounded pretty good to me." DJ said honestly, while keeping any mention of Jo out of the equation right now. "You were convinced of what? How in the world did that happen?" DJ questioned, her eyes wide at the thought of something like that happened. She enjoyed horror movies, but she wasn't sure how much she would enjoy feeling like she was in one. "I'm glad you liked the place but that sounds like a nightmare."
Kirin
"A stable business with opportunities to move up, and improve status. Hotels are a good investment. A solid choice," he agreed, impressed all the more with the sub. "Oh it was another little trick of Miss Sylvester. The camp was lovely, but apparently was the camp from those horror movies? The Friday the 13th ones,I believe. In the middle of the night all the doors locked and alarms went off. People were banging on the windows and basically terrifying us all. Outside of that, however, it was a very freeing and relaxing vacation. I met a man who I fell in love with, and even had sex with a sub I barely knew in public. I was rather a bit more adventurous when I first arrived. Now...it feels a bit like I'm some kind of rat in a cage," he sighed as they walked down the block to the restaurant. The host greeted them and led them to a table, but Kirin caught the host eyeing someone sitting alone at a booth and he worried it was a papparazzi. "Do you have something a bit more private?" he asked, but the host only shook his head and explained that this table was the best he could do. Kirin sat so he could watch the man in the booth. "Did you travel often?"
DJ
She wasn't quite sure that the hotel that she was planning to help out with would create any situations of expansion, but that's not really what she was looking for anyway. In any case, Kirin seemed somewhat impressed and that would hopefully make for a better conversation and a better outcome when she had to answer the questions the next time around. "Oh wow. That's...some of the stories I hear about this place make me a little bit worried to be here. Not that I'm sure that any other institute would be any better at not horrifying their students." DJ mused slightly biting down on her bottom lip. "But that certainly makes sense, Sir. The freedom of no one watching you and if they do come across you, not having stakes in what they say or do." She mused softly, having received the email asking for pictures of the family. She claimed the seat that Kirin didn't take but shook her head in response. "No, Sir. Mostly spent a lot of time watcing Broadway shows."
Kirin
Kirin chuckled. “Well, I do think Ms. Sylvester is one of the more ‘creative’ headmasters but yes, every institute has their one brands of torture.” He settled into his seat and looked around once more to make sure the coast was clear. “Yes... precisely. I had rather hoped that coming to the middle of nowhere America would make for an easy disappearance from the headlines, but it seems the media are ruthless and have an undying interest in the most mundane and ridiculous things. I honestly have no idea why they care about me or my life. I’m quite boring.” The waitress approached just as DJ answered and he tucked away the broadway knowledge for the future. “Waters please, and two menus,” he told the server who provided both and left. “Anything you’d like,” he said, gesturing to the menu. “Don’t be shy about price, I assure you I can afford anything here, and I will pick up the bill, obviously.” He perused the menu but kept glancing up every time a new table was seated. “So.. Broadway? A big fan of musicals then?”
DJ
"From what I've seen and heard about her, I think that you are probably right about her uniqueness." She said with a soft shake of her head. "People seem to find enjoyment in the weirdest of things. And unfortunately do not seem to care about how that effects the object of their interest. I'm sorry you are forced to deal with things like this." The submissive said honestly. "Thank you, that's very kind of you, Sir. I appreciate it a lot." DJ expressed honestly as she perused the menu. "Definitely a big fan of musicals, Sir! I feel like it's in my blood honestly. My fathers love musical theater and so do my siblings as well. Though they both prefer to be on stage rather than producing the show. That's more my thing. I've lost count of the amount of shows that we've seen. Do you like musicals?"
Kirin
“Yes well wait until she gets a chance to punish us all again. Her creativity really shines through,” he said with heavy sarcasm in his voice. “No. They do not. Do you speak from experience?” He perused the menu and decided on pasta before setting it aside. “Oh? We’re they in anything I’d know? No, musicals are not ‘my thing’ but I’ve been to a few shows. Cats when I was young and Wicked, although we were thrown out half way threw so I’m not sure if that counts. Why haven’t you considered a career in production then?”
DJ
"Not really from experience. But you sort of see things when you live in New York. Or you know...all the tabloids and stuff are hard to miss, so it's clear that they'll look for any bit of information they can get." DJ mused, biting down on her bottom lip. "No, no...they haven't been on Broadway yet, but they've been in school production and just other random things. Broadway is the goal though. Especially for Rachel." She hummed when he said that he wasn't big into musicals, knowing it wasn't for everyone. "It's always been something that I've mostly done in order to spend time with my siblings and then grew to be something that I enjoyed as a pass time. But I don't see me going back to New York to live after graduating from her...at least not if things go the way I'm hoping they do, Sir. And so I'm quite happy with the business degree I got before coming here...it'll help a lot." DJ expressed with a smile.
Kirin
"Ah I see, yes. It does pain me to see others go through what I struggle with. I'm surprised to hear that someone out of the spotlight has that kind of empathy. I tend to think of everyone who doesn't deal with it as one singular entity who enjoy the gossip and don't understand that cost of their entertainment. I suppose that's something I should reconsider." The waitress returned and they both placed their orders and thanked her for their drinks. "I see...so where would you like to live? Or are you keeping options open depending on your dominant?"
DJ
"I try to have empathy for others. Might not always succeed...but I try." DJ mused softly. "Just keeping my options open. Where I go doesn't really matter right now. I have no specific wants about where I live. Right now I do enjoy the idea of moving to Alabama." She breathed out slowly with a shrug as she took a sip of her drink. "Where do you think you would like to live, Sir?"
Kirin
Kirin frowned, “Alabama?! Why there,” he asked with obvious distaste. “You seem classier than that.” He sighed a little but tried to keep a pleasant smile. “I’ll be moving back to Texas. That’s where my fathers company is based, so I don’t have a choice, as I’m to take it over so he can retire. I was supposed to be graduated by now, but, well, I’m not.”
DJ
"The place has more to do with the person I would be going there for, Sir. And less about the actual place." DJ explained honestly, being a bit morw open. "I see. Are you excited to go back to Texas, Sir?" It seemed more like he was playing a part that he was told to play, but she could be wrong.
Kirin
“Ah so you like an Alabamian then? Is it one of the Lynn’s?” They were the only Alabamians he could think of. “Not particularly. I don’t enjoy the weather or the people there. I’d much rather be in Paris or somewhere with some class and decent art. Art is Texas is about how big or bright something can be, and not my tastes at all.”
DJ
“Not a Lynn, Sir. A Fabray." DJ explained, unashamed of the person that she liked and wanted to continue with. She nodded her head slightly when Kirin explained his thoughts on things, biting on her lip. "Well, I hope you find something about it that you can connect to." She paused. "Are you comfortable with you mark, Sir?"
Kirin
"Ah yes. They grew up together, I believe. I always found it a bit odd to think about Nate and Ryan knowing each other since they were small and now being in a sexual relationship." He wasn't being completely honest. He didn't mind Texas itself that much, but the idea of going back there and having to live the life his father laid out for him, made the entire place miserable sounding. "Yes, well hopefully Hunter will be there and anywhere he is is more comfortable." He smiled as he spoke of Hunter and she could see softness behind his stoic facade. "I ...It's better than the other choices. I don't particularily want a claim at all. I do believe in the systems merits, but for me, personally, I don't enjoy the idea of being connected to someone for the rest of my life in that way. I'd be happy with a husband. What about you?"
DJ
"They did. And they seem to be doing well. Not that I know either of them too well." She couldn't help but smile when the Dominant spoke about Hunter. She hadn't spoken to Hunter at all, but the look on Kirin's face made her feel like there was something special for him. "Well I hope that things with Hunter work out if that's what you'd like, Sir." DJ said honestly, she really hoped everyone found someone that they fit with. "I feel pretty comfortable. Sometimes I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut, but I haven't been punished yet, so I guess you could say I'm doing pretty well." She paused. "And as long as I find a Dominant I fit with, I know I could be really happy."
Kirin
Kirin simply nodded along. He was glad this wasn't as tortours as he'd invisioned it, but he wasn't sure he was getting information he was going to need. "I'm going to steer our conversation toward kink, if you don't mind. As we'll have to know this to fulfil our questionaire. I'm a sadist at heart, but I also enjoy denial, teasing and humiliation. I had quite a bit of fun humiliating that new Shea boy, who thinks he's a girl. What about you?"
DJ
"Of course, Sir! I don't mind that at all. I've enjoyed getting to know things about you, but it is important that we get to the point of this whole get together." She took note of the things that he expressed, already feeling a scene for him coming to her. She would have to write it down as soon as she got home so that she didn't forget. "That sounds very enjoyable, Sir. In the time that I've been here I've taken a real liking to bondage and impact. And recently I've realized that the idea of being fucked by more than one person is extremely enticing."
Kirin
Kirin was happy to get down to business. "Ah the classics," he said approvingly. "I feel like bondage and impact are crucial to a proper D/s relationship. Of course, what do I know, I didn't even want a submissive," he chuckled. "Have you had a threesome? I find some people find the idea attractive but the actual act as intimidating and jealousy inducing."
DJ
"I think you can have those beliefs...especially with you now having someone you want to be with for the long haul." DJ disagreed. "I have had a threesome. With Nate and Mateo. I found it very enjoyable. But I do wonder if I would find it different if I felt like I had some sort of claim on one of the people I was having a threesome with. I guess I won't actively know until I try. Have you ever had a threesome?"
Kirin
Kirin agreed. “When feelings and emotions get involved it always complicates things. That’s the main reason I have no interest in a romantic claim. I’ve had my more adventurous moments, but not here no.” He visibly tensed when asked to talk so explicitly about sex. Scenes and kink were one thing, but pure sex was something a bit too personal for him.
DJ
"Yeah exactly. I' sure I'll do it one day but it can wait. Miss Jo is nice about caring about what I'm comfy with." She winced slightly when Kirin seemed to shut down slightly. "Sorry, Sir." Things had been going well. She didn't want to make things tense or upset him.
Kirin
Kirin shook his head. "You have nothing to apologise for. I'm just not overly comfortable sharing about myself. In my experience personal information gets used against you, once it's been revealed." He composed himself and tried to convince himself that DJ seemed a safe and reasonable person who wouldn't betray him. "To your point, I think I wouldn't mind a non-sexual claim, at least as my second. To me,claims are...unimportant"
DJ
She hummed softly and nodded her head. "I get that, Sir. I won't tell anyone anything you say, but I understand that you might not believe what I'm saying." Especially from the start of their conversation, she knew that it could be difficult to believe. "So you think you'll claim two people, Sir? I thought it best to prepare myself for the possibility of being one of two submissives."
Kirin
"Yes I most definitely will claim two people. If I am to run my father's company, and be successful, it's required. It's a status symbol and I intend to be successful." Kirin ate a bit more then pushed his plate away. "A smart plan. I think all subs should be prepared for that. Any respectable dom capable of claiming two, should. ...Are you finished. This cafe is getting a bit too crowded for my tastes."
DJ
She smiled softly at his words. She wasn't quite sure that it was true that every dom should feel like they had to claim two, but she did think it was smart of her to prepare for the possibility. "Yes Sir. I'm finished and ready to go." She finished off her drink and then wiped her mouth before standing up from the table.
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the best car insurance quotes
"the best car insurance quotes
the best car insurance quotes
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr
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the best car insurance quotes
the best car insurance quotes
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I drive an N reg ford fiesta, bit of an old banger! so far since I got my licence in july 2006 I have been on my dad's insurance. Now I need to get my own, so far I have been getting really high quotes are told I am not suitable! any cheap insurers for new young drivers? tried the girl ones like dimond and sheila's wheels and no luck!""
Piaggio ape 50cc Insurace Please HELP?
Okay I'm 17 and looking at getting a Piaggio ape 50cc to drive around i live in a town in the uk, I have looked for a number plate to get a example of cost on insurance as if its loads I wont be able to get it! I'm pretty sure I don't need full licence to drive just CBT as I don't have full licence!""
More Better? Car Insurance Question?
We have 2 cars and currently 2 drivers on our insurance (my husband and I) and we were wondering if we add his mother on there will it be cheaper? The thing is his mother does not have a license and does not know how to drive, would it still be cheaper if we add her to our insurance?""
Different ways to lower insurance cost. could i have my boyfriend insure my car for me?
Please, if you're not 100% sure don't answer,, it's confusing. Anyways, i recently financed a vehicle, 06 Taurus, and the insurance is killing, nearly higher than the car note! ($314 a month). & now that I'm pregnant i need to save $. My boyfriend doesn't have a car or license, but is there any way he could get insurance under his name & then add my car? Or any other work a rounds? Btw, I'm willing to fix his license if that's an issue. I'm 23, He's 29. I live in what's considered to be more dangerous city than he does. Also, he has less moving violations than me. So a policy for him maybe be anywhere from 40-60% cheaper than mines.""
How much will my car insurance be?
R reg vw polo 999cc
""After what age in the UK is drivers insurance, cheaper?""
im 20, i passed when i was 18. at what age is insurance cheaper, i know it depends on where you live, car, model, engine etc but at what age?""
How much would a typical car insurance cost for a punto? im also a new driver and 20 yrs of age.?
How much would a typical car insurance cost for a punto? im also a new driver and 20 yrs of age.?
Car Insurance Coverage and a DUI Question?
My daughter received a DUI a while back, as she put the car in 'Drive' (instead of 'Reverse') and drove through the side of a restaurant. (closed, thank God!...No people there) She refused the Breathalyzer, and was taken to the ER for about 7 hours. She was given a DUI. This car was titled, registered and insured by me- I am her mother. She is over 30 years old. The insurance has covered to fix the car, but the restaurant has retained an attorney. (I live in SC and have $100,000 property damage on the car) Yesterday, my insurance adjustor called to ask for a release of my daughter's medical records, so they could meet with the restaurant's attorneys and show that she was not drunk. Well, she was drunk, and my daughter's attorney has told me not to release that information, as it is a violation of her rights- she already refused the breathalyzer, etc.Also, she WAS drunk, and this would only release that information possibly to others. Please no rude comments about all of this- I get it! Question: Can my insurance company refuse to pay for my daughter's ER bill ($13,000) AND the property damage, AND whatever else- due to the fact that they are going to decide she was 'drunk.' ??? Is there any way to protect my assets? Specifics would be great, if you know them. Thanks.""
Whats the cheapest place to get insurance?
I got a 01 kia optima im 23 years old, male, and paying about 100 dollars a month for full coverage. Company: American Family. Any better deals""
2 questions on car insurance?
1) I'm looking to buy a car soon after I pass my driving test in 2 weeks. I'm 20, I'll be turning 21 in November. I seen that the insurance price for a 17-20 year old is around 2400 and the price for a 21-24 year old is around 2000. If I were to get insurance 2 months before my 21st birthday, would I be able to pay 2 monthly rates of the 17-20 year old price and then convert onto the 21-24 year old price? Or am I stuck with the 20 year old price for one year? 2) If I were to set the voluntary excess to a higher amount to get a lower premium, would I be able to change the voluntary excess when I renew my car insurance? Or is it possible to change it every month if I chose to pay monthly? Thanks.""
How can I get cheap insurance?
I am 19,and I am thinking about doing my theory test for my full licence,but insurance are so expensive,especially for my age. Do any of you guys know how can I get cheap insurance? Do any of you guys know of any cheap insurance companies? Thank You all""
Need suggestion for health insurance?
Living in CA. Just want to get individual health insurance in case of any expensive treatments like surgery, hospitalization...so the insurance can have high deductible... In this case, should I consider supplemental insurance like AFLAC?""
Do you need auto insurance when your car is under Planned NON Operation ?
I have a old car that i am not going to use for the next 4 months till my wife comes back (she's out of country now). My Question is if i file for a planned non operation of the car with DMV, can i take this car out of my insurance. Currently i just have the liability on this old car. Is insurance mandatory even if your car is not driven / in public roads?. Please help.""
""If I never had a car (or car insurance) before, do I need to buy car insurance before buying a car?""
So I'm getting ready to buy my first car. It's located in the next town over. But if I just go over and pay cash and get it, there wouldn't be any insurance on it. It's illegal to drive without insurance. Don't I need to drive without insurance first? If so, how would I explain to them that I don't exactly have a car yet?""
I am 16 almost 17 and am looking for a car and am wondering what the insurance rats would be on a porsche 944
this would be my second car and its a really nice 1985 Porsche 944 (non-turbo) it has only 67K miles on it and is in excellent shape I am just wondering if my insurance would go up i pay about 130 $ a month on a Pontiac grand am ... would it go up? if so do you know how much?
Insurance price on harley-davidson?
what would be a good estimate for yearly cost of insurance on a harley? -92 heritage softail classic
What does getting pts on license mean for my insurance?
I got pulled over for speeding. However, the cop bumped down my ticket to disobeying traffic control device. I'm getting 2 points on my license. I'm 22 yrs. old and under my dad's insurance. Will the insurance rates be going up? (Also, I'm planning on taking the defense driving class to erase the 2 pts from license. If so, does my insurance still go up?) Please tell me of your situations....thanks!""
How much is a no insurance ticket in illinois?
I've been trying to look this up, can't find jack **** on it.. How much is it?""
""USA, health insurance. when you are 56 & cannot afford health insurance, is that a death sentence?""
doctors & hospitals in the US will not help unless you have insurance. so if i have cancer or any sickness, am I left to die.?""
How much is Insurance for a 17 year old on average?
I'm 16 and I didn't take drivers ed, i just got my license, and i just wanna know on average, and maybe the cheapest i could get insurance in the state of texas?...""
How much would insurance be on a Nissan 350z?
Hi guys!! Ok so I'm soon to get a 2003-2006 Nissan 350z Touring or Enthusiast. Maybe around 9000$ to 15000. I'm almost 18 and what would insurance be like for me??? Allstate, State Farm, ect. I just need a basic monthly quote! Thanks!!""
Are your children on your insurance plan?
Does it cost more on your insurance for a child over 12 years of age?
Can i get my MOT done without insurance?
My car needs an MOT and right now its on a SORN because im waiting for my paycheck so I can get insurance, my question is as follows: i know that you need an MOT before you can insure your car but to get my car to its MOT I would have to have it insured? How does this work? can i drive to the garage without insurance and get away with it or is there some special policy I need to take out? Please help.""
Do you need social security number to purchase car insurance?
Im a student under student visa here in california, I want to purchase car insurance but dont have a ssn. If you can, which companies will and which will not?""
the best car insurance quotes
the best car insurance quotes
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/your-insurance-notified-when-you-get-ticket-driving-past-james-1/"
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Aisling Bea: My fathers death has given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness
The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived
My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.
When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.
My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.
Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.
I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.
I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.
Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea
And then there was the letter.
My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.
I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.
I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.
Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.
This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.
Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.
Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.
My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.
Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.
The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.
She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.
Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.
Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.
The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.
My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.
To Daddy, here is my note to you:
Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org
Read more: http://ift.tt/2hEbtos
from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2iq7Wui via Viral News HQ
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The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived
My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.
When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.
My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.
Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.
I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.
I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.
Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea
And then there was the letter.
My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.
I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.
I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.
Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.
This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.
Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.
Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.
My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.
Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.
The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.
She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.
Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.
Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.
The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.
My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.
To Daddy, here is my note to you:
Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org
Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/04/aisling-bea-my-fathers-death-has-given-me-a-love-of-men-of-their-vulnerability-and-tenderness
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Text
Aisling Bea: My fathers death has given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness
The comedians father killed himself when she was three. She was plagued by the fact he made no mention of her or her sister in the letter he left. Then, 30 years after his death, a box arrived
My father died when I was three years old and my sister was three months. For years, we thought he had died of some sort of back injury a story that we had never really investigated because we were just too busy with the Spice Girls and which one we were (I was a Geri/Mel B mix FYI). Then, on the 10th anniversary of his death, my mother sat us down and explained the concept of suicide. Sure, we knew about suicide. At 13, I had already known of too many young men from our town who had taken their own lives. Spoken about as inexplicable sadnesses for the families, spoken about but never really talked about terrible tragedy nobody knows why he did it. What we had not known until that day, was that our father had, 10 years beforehand, also taken his own life.
When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told how he adored me, how I was funny, just like him. Because of our lovely Catholic upbringing, I secretly assumed that he would eventually come back, like our good friend Jesus.
My mother, being the wonder woman that she is, never held his death against him. When she looked into his coffin, she felt she saw the face of the man she had married: his stress lines had gone, he seemed free of the sadness that had been dogging him of late. But it was still tough for her to talk about. She didnt want to have to explain to a stranger in the middle of a party how he was not defined by his ending, but how loved he was, how cherished the charismatic, handsome vet in a small town had been. She didnt want his whole person being judged.
Once she had told us, I did not want to talk about him. Ever again. I now hated him. He had not been taken from us, he had left. His suicide felt like the opposite of parenting. Abandonment. Selfishness. Taking us for granted.
I didnt care that he had not been in his right mind, because if I had been important enough to him I would have put him back into his right mind before he did it. I didnt care that he had been in chronic pain and that men in Ireland dont talk about their feelings, so instead die of sadness. I didnt want him at peace. I wanted him struggling, but alive, so he could meet my boyfriends and give them a hard time, like in American movies. I wanted him to come to pick me up from discos, so my mother didnt have to go out alone in her pyjamas at night to get me.
I look like him. For all of my teens and early 20s, I smothered my face in fake tan and bleached my hair blond so that elderly relatives would stop looking at me like I was the ghost of Christmas past whenever I did something funny. You look so like your father, they would say. And as much as people might think a teenage girl wants to be told that she looks like a dead man, she doesnt.
Aisling Bea with her father. Photograph: Aisling Bea
And then there was the letter.
My mother gave us the letter to read the day she told us, but, in it, he didnt mention my sister or me.
I had not been adored. He had forgotten we existed. I didnt believe it at first. When I was 15, I took the letter out of my mothers Filofax and used the photocopying machine at my summer job to make a copy so I could really examine it. Like a CSI detective, I stared at it, desperate to see if there had been a trace of the start of an A anywhere.
I would often fantasise that, if I ever killed myself, I would write a letter to every single person I had ever met, explaining why I was doing it. Every. Single. Person. Right down to the lad I struck up a conversation with once in a chip shop and the girl I met at summer camp when I was 12. No one would be left thinking: Why? I would be very non-selfish about it. When Facebook came in, I thought: Well, this will save me a fortune on stamps.
Sometimes, in my less lucid moments, I was convinced that he had left a secret note for me somewhere. Maybe, on my 16th no, 18th no, 21st no, 30th birthday, a letter would arrive, like in Back to the Future. Aisling, I wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I was secretly a spy. That is why I did it. I love you. I love your sister, too. PS Heaven is real, your philosophy essay is wrong and I am totally still watching over you. Stop shoplifting.
This summer was the 30th anniversary of his death. In that time, a few things have happened that have radically changed how I feel.
Three years ago, Robin Williams took his own life. He was my comedy hero, my TV dad he had always reminded my mother of my father and his death spurred me to finally start opening up. I had always found it so hard to talk about. I think I had been afraid that if I ever did, my soul would fall out of my mouth and I would never get it back in again.
Last year, I watched Grayson Perrys documentary All Man. It featured a woman whose son had ended his life. She thought that he probably hadnt wanted to die for ever, just on that day, when he had been in so much pain. A lightbulb moment it had never occurred to me that maybe suicide had seemed like the best option in that hour. In my head, my father had taken a clear decision, as my parent, to opt out for ever.
My father had always seemed like an adult making adult decisions, but I suddenly found myself at almost his age, still feeling like a giant child. I looked at some of my male friends gorgeous idiots doing their gorgeous, idiotic best to bring up little daughters, just like he would have been.
Finally, just after my 30th birthday, a box turned up.
The miserable people he had worked for had found a box of his things filed away and rang my mother (30 years later) wondering whether she wanted them or whether they should just throw them in the bin.
She waited for us to fly home and we opened it together three little women staring into an almost-abandoned cardboard box.
Now, most of the box was horse ultrasounds which, Ill be honest, I am not into. But there was also his handwriting around the edges and, then, underneath the horse X-rays and files, there were the photographs.
Any child who has lost a parent probably knows every single photograph in existence of that parent. I had pored over them all, trying to put together the person he might have been.
The photos in the box had been collected from his desk after he had died. We had never seen them before. They were nearly all of me. He had had all of these photos stuck on his desk. I was probably the last thing he looked at before he died.
My fathers death has given me a lot. It has given me a lifelong love of women, of their grittiness and hardness traits that we are not supposed to value as feminine. It has also given me a love of men, of their vulnerability and tenderness traits that we do not foster as masculine or allow ourselves to associate with masculinity.
To Daddy, here is my note to you:
Im sad you killed yourself, because I really think that, if you could see the life you left behind, you would regret it. You didnt get to see the Berlin wall fall or Ireland qualify for Italia 90. You didnt get to see all the encyclopedias that you bought for us to one day use at university get squashed into a CD and subsequently the internet. You have never got to hear your younger daughters voice it annoys me sometimes, but it has also said some of the most amazing things when drunk. I think you would have been proud to watch your daughter do standup at the O2 and sad to see my mother watching it on her own. Then again, if you hadnt died, I probably wouldnt have been mad enough to become a clown for a living. I am your daughter and I am really fucking funny, just like you. But, unlike you, Im going to stop being it for five minutes and write our story in the hope that it may help someone who didnt get to have a box turn up, or who may not feel in their right mind right now and needs a reminder to find hope. Aisling
In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org
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