#but i cannot stand being perceived today because only like 3 people will see me as Theo: The Little Brother | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

twstedtales · 3 years ago

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𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐑, 𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐑 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐋.

❝hold your ground; stand up for yourself with grit and grace.❞ - Unknown.

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | when he heard you broke from your timid and soft-spoken self just so you could defend him.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | riddle rosehearts, leona kingscholar, azul ashengrotto, kalim al asim, vil schoenheit, idia shroud, malleus draconia × female reader.

𝐭𝐰 | none!

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 | of course, <3 anon chan 😘 nice to meet you and have a good day too 😆 by the way, freaking gosh, this becomes soooo long 2,241 words if you wanna know bdjejwjeeh 😭😂💦 HELP-

𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐚 | reposting and queued this in time for my classes because i am determined to put it in tags lfmaooo and I also added few more because I noticed some of Leona’s part was missing and typographical errors are fixed shsbjd

Riddle was always grateful that you were a lot tamer than your chaotic friends that give him constant headaches. He also appreciates your quiet and soft nature because it helps him calm down a lot during his near outbursts when he was about to behead some of his rebellious dorm mates.

So, one random day, Riddle overheard you talking to some students; he presumed they were your classmates? He trusts you a lot, and was about to leave because he didn't want to disrespect your conversation when he heard his name, including the loud series of continuous insults directed to him, repeatedly calling him a ruthless tyrant and such, that had made his elegant brows raise to his hairline.

A lady such as yourself shouldn't be hearing such crass words from those uneducated fools. His eyes twitched in seething anger, a vein bulging in his forehead and he was about to step in to teach them a lesson they won't forget when Riddle had heard your voice snapping.

It took him by surprise when he heard your usual soft and timid tone raise an octave, your loud yells reverberated greatly across the empty halls. Riddle felt some sort of pleasant shock; he couldn't imagine you, who was usually soft-spoken, to defend him like that. Though that aside, immediate pride and affection swells inside him.

Riddle always believes that as a gentleman, he should be the one to protect you from fools, or defend you against malicious people like that. But he supposed the position getting reversed once in a while feels...good as well. Now, if you'll excuse him, he still needs to, ah, re-educate those imbeciles, a lesson they won't ever forget.

Leona doesn't care that you're timid most of the time, in fact, it even brought a slight relief to him because firstly, he won't have you loudly reprimanding and nagging him if he doesn't attend classes like Ruggie does, disturbing his naps. And secondly, he secretly finds you a great wonder, knowing that most women in Afterglow Savana were all "warriors" and they intimidate him.

Though for your own sake, Leona would drop casual hints about arming yourself in an argument here and there for you to catch. He favoured your soft-spoken persona, yes, but that doesn’t mean he would go around letting you be in danger just because of it.

And just when he thought that you were tamed and a well-behaved little lamb, Leona was slightly bewildered to hear your loud shouts that knocked him out of his sleep. He almost thought that you were in danger and would instantly leap in to tear off the person who dared to attack you limb by limb if not for the obvious anger lacing your voice.

Hou? Leona listens curiously in patient silence as you apparently "defend" his reputation. It would be a lie to say that he didn't care what others say about him, but at this point, he had completely given up on how others perceived him, all their opinions be damned. But he had to admit, you saying that he was more than just being an "indolent bastard" makes his heart do a quick lithe leap. Just a little bit.

However, of course, he can't let you hog in all the fun to yourself. If those fools were brave enough to lash out and dish out their problems about him to you, they must be prepared to face the consequences of his payback. Though perhaps he must thank them as well? For encouraging and pushing his timid herbivore to stand up and hold her ground to what she believes to be most important? Heh.

Azul thought that your soft and timid self is quite a refreshing sight; you're like a breath of fresh air for him. Being surrounded by the chaotic twins all the time drains his energy, no matter how efficient they seem to be for business. So, having you around calms him down, and your soft voice was like enticing him to sleep and relax.

That's why when he heard a loud scream outside of the VIP room, Azul had seriously doubted his ears, blinking his eyes in mild shock and refusing to believe that person who had just raised their voice was you. You, his precious angelfish who spoke so softly and tenderly to him all the time, just shouted?

Azul snapped out of his trance when he had heard your voice again, this time, it was even louder, and he could clearly hear just what makes you this furious. He quietly left the sanctuary of his office just as the argument kept on getting clearer. He had heard his name, how the students called him a "scammer", "manipulator", "evil schemer", "stupid octopus" and such.

Under normal circumstances, Azul wouldn't feel any remorse when he had tricked them into a contract for servitude as a small payment for what they boastfully spout about him. He was ready to make them pay a hundred folds...if not for you defending him wholeheartedly. You were readily refuting every falseーor were they really false?ーclaims about him; a bit more menacing, a little more proud, and very much seething in anger.

Adoration bloomed inside him as he almost felt tears start to prickle in the corner of his eyes. He never had someone who would defend him, who would boast how "hardworking" he was, or be angry...just for him. Azul had to steel his knees from buckling over, blinking back his tears and parading his usual, haughty smile. As much as he wants to rejoice and melt for your brave words, he first needs to get you out of there. He can't have his precious angelfish deal with those pests all by yourself, no?

Kalim was understanding, empathetic enough to know not to push you beyond the limits you could give. He was content to see you interacting and hanging out with him, no matter how quiet and timid you may be! Fret not, it doesn't matter one bit if he's the only one speaking and getting the conversation going, as long as he knew you were there and listening to him, that's all that matters to him.

Though seriously speaking, does anyone even have the heart to say malicious things about this sunshine? Though let's admit it, not all people would see Kalim's open generosity in a positive light and some people would even find it rather irritating (ーlike Jamilー). So, things like "bad-mouthing" him does happen, maybe not as much in NRC but he does hear them back in Scalding Sands.

Due to his position of being the heir to a big clan, Kalim was very much exposed to the harsh criticism and perhaps hatred and envy of others, though he does his very best to ignore them, and understand where they are coming from because he knows that not all are as privileged as him. So hearing people say bad things about him in the NRC is nothing new as well.

What was something new though...is you raising your voice that made him jump, his heart almost made a quick leap out of his throat. Especially when you declared that he was the kindest, the most understanding and the best person you ever met in your life. Kalim didn't even hear the insults because he was more focused on drilling the image of you, looking so gallant like a honourable warrior defending him.

Before it escalates into something serious though, Kalim would jump in the conversation and sway the topic into a more light-hearted one. You would notice his smile looked a lot brighter than normal, and that his cheerfulness is so contagious that you forgot the person who badmouthed him as Kalim dragged you to somewhere he could spoil you rotten.

Vil doesn't usually mind your timid self; he finds himself surprisingly adoring it at times. Especially after those stressful and chaotic days that all he needs is to have a peaceful respite that he had found in you. Though there were times that he would...ah, help you to become more open and confident when talking to people. Unlike Leona who would just drop hints, Vil was determined to teach you how to arm yourself with words, if not magic or any other weapon.

Hence why Vil was very much accustomed to harsh criticism and dare say, downright hate. He was an actor and a model after all. He had long prepared himself to accept those healthy criticisms, and block off all the malicious comments thrown at him. So, hearing his own schoolmates lash out their hate against him is nothing to waste his time about. After all, they weren't even brave enough to say that to his own face.

Even so, what took him in a pleasant astonishment is when he heard your voice, loud and clear and confident, rebutting their foolish claims about him. He didn't even pay enough attention when those potatoes blatantly compared him to Neigeーwhich was, by the way, will be dealt with laterーbecause all he could hear was your voice.

Vil huffed in amusement; you had incorporated everything he had taught you today and he could say that he was pleased with your development. As much as he wanted to see how far you could go and how good it was that you were defending him, Vil cannot allow you to linger longer around those fools who don't know basic etiquette more than necessary.

Brimming with confidence as he was, Vil swept between smoothly, the long and loose sleeves of his dorm uniform flaunting behind me like a perfect picturesque as he hide you behind his back. He looked down coldly at those potatoes, ignoring your surprise yelp. Now, Vil can't let the improper things they say pass without a proper punishment, no?

Like everyone does, Idia doesn't care if you're timid or soft spoken either. To be honest, it was even encouraged by him. He could get around everything between you two without speaking, especially since he wasn't used to being around people a lot. After all, your quiet voice when you're talking to him doesn't feel like any otherーit was more relaxing, more soothing…

That's why when he heard you shouting so loudly and angrily one day, Idia fell on his chair in shock. He was surveying the surroundings from the CCTVs around the school for possible routes he could take when he went out to buy snacks for the weekend when he caught sight of you in the hallway with some unfamiliar students. It doesn't look like a one-sided argument, but you were definitely more pissed off than the others.

The longer he listens, the more Idia wants to wither awayーfrom embarrassment, or from self-resentment or from pure adoration, he cannot pinpoint exactly what! You...you were defending him! Him! You were seethingly refuting every claim he heard directed to him. Every single negative thing they pointed out that he himself knew of all people possessed, said it was nothing but baseless untruths.

How could you say that he was not useless when all he could do now was to watch you from afar as you fight for his reputation? How could you still believe he was not a coward after all those things that people said about him and his failures? How could you still love him after all the things you were hearing right now?

Idia clenched his fists that his nails dug in his palms. He...wants to be like you as well. He wanted to be the man you could depend on, the one who could defend you like those in his otome games he played. If one day...if only he could build up the courage to be...anyway, for now, Idia mysteriously alerted some of the professors that someone was bullying you. He couldn't be there personally, with how he is right now, but he would make sure to protect you in the way that he himself could surely do this time...

The one who insults and badmouth The Malleus Draconia himself was probably tired of living, having a death wish or something. Almost everyone was scared of facing him, but alas, there surely exists those who are...brave enoughーor was it simply foolishness?ーto insult him in the presence of his own beloved.

Malleus probably didn't hear your "heroic acts" personally, but due to Sebek's garrulous mouthーand he can't simply keep this a secret to his Waka-sama!ーhe was informed how you defend him in front of many people.

He would ask every detail, how it started and how it escalated to how it ended. Sebek wouldn't leave a single detail, though he supposed he could make you a little more "gallant and chivalrous" to his Young Master because you were the first one to stand up for him, and you are his lover, not his guard!

After hearing the full details from the extremely proud Sebekーand how he had already taught the impudent students a lesson for insulting himーMalleus had found himself teleporting next to you, that made you jump because it was so sudden. And he would hug you so suddenly and wordlessly. When you ask him why, he would just reply that he feels like you had done something so incredible for him that he wants to repay and spoil you in any way you desire.

Malleus does mind the insults, but he was more focused on you and how you stand up and hold your ground despite your soft-spoken self. He wished he could've seen you break out from your shell once again, but he won't force you to it. After all, there's plenty of time to rectify that and he would wait patiently on the day you showed all your sides to him.

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stopeatingwhales · 3 years ago

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particles x damon albarn

the lyrics to this song are genuinely so beautiful, like i honestly cannot describe enough how much i adore this song my goodness

Pairing: present day damon x reader

Warnings: none :D

Word count: 1.881

Requested by anon <3

༉‧₊˚✧

It had been two months since I had last seen him. Two whole months since he had set foot in our home; two whole months since he said goodbye to leave for tour. The home that we shared had began to inhabit a sense of eeriness, some nights the walls began to feel as if they were closing in on me, trapping me from any interaction with the outside world, as if to hold me hostage by my own insanity, although other nights the space felt extremely large, almost too big for one person to be able to waste their nights alone in, encapsulating my mind in a constant conflict of obstructive thoughts, forcing me to overthink every tiny detail that was conveyed on the pale stained walls, the wooden floorboards, the arrangement of the furniture, resulting in many a time of me moving around heavy tables and chairs until the image of the room settled my mind’s anxiety. Allowing distance to get in the lines of mine and Damon’s relationship, it was simply uncanny that I was going to miss him; he was the carcass that kept me sane, the being that granted me peace in myself, ease on my mind to prevent such mania from enrapturing my brain, the person that engulfed me into a stupor of adoration and affection that one could never understand the authentic strength until felt - what some perceive as paramour, true love, something so overstimulating that once separated such thing desperation beguiles you to surround yourself with, only a mere sensation of emptiness is all that is felt inside, as if your limbs are damaged, your insides constantly in a state of sickness that you are convinced you’re in need of some form of professional assistance, but it is simply the alchemy, the poison of the apprehension that captivates you from the estrangement from your significant other. Though that wasn’t to say that wasn’t proud of Damon; I embraced fondness and admiration for everything that he did and was so dedicated in doing, his talent and immense knowledge for the art form that speaks to you demonstrated his ability to move millions of people, uniting as one in concerts, all touched from the same, simple string of melodies, proving his true gift and genius that is inside his brain.

I tried to pry my thoughts away from the excitement that had been seeping into my veins from the fact that he was returning home today, in an attempt to focus my mind on whatever had been showing on the television, but there was no use. To be cradled in his arms was all that I had longed, the thought clouding my brain almost every single night that I had thrown my body onto the linen sheets, trying to wrap my body around the duvet to replicate the specific warmth that had enveloped my body when in his arms, his body completely dominating mine, his hands running through my hair gently, apologising with a kiss on the top of my head when he accidentally pulled too roughly, my face buried in his chest as a blush would suddenly creep onto my cheeks, our embrace fulfilling me with a nest of blooming butterflies in my body, a poignant sensation of nervousness and reverence for the man that had me cooped up in his arms, the same feelings that would embody you whilst walking past your first crush during primary school, accidentally brushing your hands against one another’s, sending your mind into overdrive as if to think that the person was the love of your life. Such emotions never left, and I doubted that they ever would; supposing that is true love, he could make me feel like a little girl squealing over her teenage idol because of how perfect he was, just from being himself.

“I��m home, love,” I heard a voice call out in the hallway, accompanied by the soft slam of the front door, the tone of voice lacing a certain amount of raspiness, perhaps from a cigarette that had just been inhaled. My head instantly turned to the door of the living room, eyes settling upon the sight of Damon, who had a small grin curved on his lips, his gaze captured with joy and desire, perhaps from gratification towards the understanding that the tour had finally ended, as well as the fact that he was able to finally see me once again - my expression equally reciprocating his happiness. Instantly jumping from my seat on the couch, I rushed over to him as I threw my arms around him, resting my ear against his chest, listening to the soft pattern of his heartbeat. As usual, his arms wrapped around my figure, tightly embracing my body, the swarm of butterflies breaking out of their cocoons, my limbs growing weak from the recognisable thrill of affection that I had desired for far too long, and had sadly not received. Feeling his lips grazing against the top of my head made my mind go fuzzy, my cheeks flushing a heat that made me feel as if I was under the beating warmth of the sun during the summer months. This is what he does to me. “How’ve you been darling? I see you’ve rearranged the place, again.” he mumbled into my head of hair, my mind still relishing in the pleasure of being in his arms again.

“I’ve missed you,” I replied, reluctantly pulling my arms away from the embrace, in order to gawk at him. A gentle chuckle rumbled from his throat, though his features accentuated pity, understanding how I must’ve felt being away from him for so long. Lightly taking hold of one of his hands, I dragged his arm, guiding him to the sofa, where both of us sat next to each other. “You were gone for so long!”

“I know love, I’ve missed you so much,” he replied, squeezing my hand in reassurance. “At least I’m not gone for any longer though.” he added, his lips curving slightly as I nodded, a similar grin planted on my lips.

“How was the tour then?” I asked, pulling his arm to wrap it around my shoulders, my body already aching for more attachment to him. “The videos I’ve seen online made it look very good.”

“It was great, honestly. Loved every bit of it.” he replied, the grip on my shoulder tightening as he attempted to haul me closer to him. Humming in agreement, I placed my head on his shoulder, cradling the moment we shared together, the moment that I had imagined and adorned each and every night he was absent, cherishing every single time that he was able to be in my presence. I depended on him greatly, as did he, and though that may be a toxic strand which can only result in turmoil; our appreciation for one another held such poise that it would draw us closer together each and every time we had conjoined together after months of being separated. “I’ve actually got something to show you.” he added, shifting from our hug and slowly stepping to his feet, taking his hand in mine, his soft but coarse palms gripping onto mine ever so slightly, urging me to stand up too. “Come with me.”

Following him closely, we headed towards his studio. I had forgotten the last time that I had set foot in it; usually I would leave Damon to work on his craft alone, since having me prance around messing with all sorts of instruments and controls wasn’t going to provide much assistance. As well as that, sitting in the room, knowing that he was away and would be for many days on, would only make me yearn for his presence more, which is the last of what I would need when not being able to fall asleep. Though whenever he would call me into the room, he would always show me the most beautifully crafted symphony, in which he would perform it so effortlessly, as if it was simply created from the top of his head at that moment. Talent like his was so scarce; it would only prove to me that it’s something you are gifted with at birth, like an extremely high intelligence quotient - he always had ideas running through his mind, melodies that would be formed from a simple tap of the table in front of him. It was a wonder in the fact that he seemingly never got burned out with creating music, it was evidently his passion, and it touched me that he would constantly ask me for my opinion on his music, as it always resonated with him, always held such importance.

When we walked inside the studio, I followed him to the grand piano that was standing by the corner of the room. I kept my body upright, behind him, as he pulled out the black stool underneath, moving it back slightly in order for him to sit on it. “Over the tour, I had some free time, so I wrote this song, it’s called Particles,” he began, his voice quiet, as if it were intertwined with a certain anxiousness about what he was about to perform. “It’s still a work in progress, but I wanted to know what you thought of it.”

As I admired his fingers softly grazing the elegant, pale keys of the piano, the melody that in which played forth me instantaneously sufficed me in a trance, bewilderment encompassing my my mind as I listened to the sounds of the alluring chords echo throughout the room, bounce off the walls, the waves of noise crafting mountainous regions of goosebumps to prickle on the bare skin exposed from my forearms. Sculpted with such elegance and formality, my mouth fell agape as he played with such ease - in that significant moment, I was subdued to his music, hypnotised into his magnificence; I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, except admire the grace that fell from his lips once he started singing. As I allowed my gaze to drift onto his face, I gawked at his demeanour, his eyes almost screwed shut, his face almost frozen in place as his body rocked back and forth to the melody that was omitted from the piano. Every word, every string of lines carried a lugubrious essence to it, a tone laced with such beautification; obvious that there were deeper implications behind said lyrics. Each line that escaped his throat exemplified the nature of what earnest fervour, authentic devotion and expertise can embody. Such melody, paired with his voice embodied with pure ethereality, as if I was being greeted by a herd of the most quaint angels, welcoming my soul into the seven heavens. A beam crawled onto my lips, my heart thumping at a million miles per hour from the amount of love I carried in my body for the man in front of me.

Once the song ended, a moment was held in the atmosphere of mere silence, as if to take in all that was felt, all that had vibrated through the sound waves and blessed my ears. Shifting his body so he could connect eyes with me, a gentle, welcoming smile tugged on his lips. “That’s for you.”

#thank u anon <3333333 #damon albarn x reader #damon albarn #blur #blur band #90s #britpop #gorillaz #my imagines #my writing #fanfic #fluff #fan fiction

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rinharu-purple · 3 years ago

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Emmm 👉👈 can i request Gavin's spring festival date analysis?! Ehem especially when Gavin said "I've waited a long time for today.." 💙

But Of course if you're not busy.. I'll wait patiently.. I just.. love read your analysis 💙 like i can feel your love and dedication for Gavin.. a lot of Gavin stan is very smart and loyal.. just like Gavin itself

Hello nonny and of course you can! Thank you for your lovely ask and reading my posts. It makes me really happy to hear this 💞 I can also double up what you've said, Our birdcop is smart and loyal and I really love being a part of Gavin-standom which includes so many talented writers, artists, analysts and it has @cheri-translates! There are so many great posts from various accounts and one can feel the love, passion and loyalty towards Gavin in all of them! 💫

An analysis on Spring Festival date is so overdue, so it is me who should apologize for not having written this before. I will more than gladly include your request scene, I hope you enjoy it ^_^

MC Testing Waters: Spring Festival Date

At the beginning of the game, MC is a young woman with lots of love in her heart, however without much experience in love. Fortunately this starts to change when she meets LIs as adults.

Spring Festival Date takes place after Firework Date and before the Romantic Date, although the timeline is quite messy, which I will come to by the end of this analysis.

If you look closely, you can see MC checking Gavin's romantic feelings towards her by using this "boyfriend game" and also uses the opportunity to get beyond his hardened exterior and touch his vulnerable side 💗

Spoilers start below this line

This date comes to, because MC lies to her aunt about having a boyfriend to avoid arranged blind dates and even promises to visit her on New Years with her boyfriend. Speculatively it seemed like a solid play, until...the time literally came.

Thinktanking about a way out of this with Kiki and Willow, they weight different options as to tell them she broke up with him, leave the city or call in sick but then the best wingman on earth Minor saves the way and suggests that she just takes a "fake boyfriend" with her, surely enough with Gavin in his mind.

MC goes through her contacts list to search for a suitable candidate, but her heart Whispers her the answer by skipping a beat as her fingertips scroll down to one name.

... Gavin

As such... MC has chosen her player for the game and Gavin's Heart Trial with MC's family commences...

---Press Start---

Creativity Test

Unluckily Gavin actually shows up for this highly important date late, with his phone off! From the storyline he arrives a couple of minutes late to MC’s aunt's place, thus starting the game one point behind. He was late because he was buying presents for the whole family! With the spot on gifts which are well received by the family because they're expensive, imported goods, limited products, cute and thoughtful he makes up for the lost points.

But it's just the first stage and he has 3 more stages to clear, the pressure is slowly rising.

This gray suit has a lovely story behind it, which you can find by the end of the story.

Decision Test

Gavin has passed the creativity test with flying colors, but in the second stage more challenging questions are on the menu. The eldest aunt wants to know Gavin's age, occupation, salary(?!) and possessions(?!). The last two questions are fairly over the line and is a no-no in my country. Asking people about their financial status as well as bragging about it is perceived as rude and insolent, that's why the way Gavin answers these questions skillfully without bragging about his wealth adds just another brick on my Gavin-temple.

Age: 24

Occupation: Police Officer

Salary: Covers the bills

Possessions: A flat in the city and a motorcycle.

In my Prank date analysis, I've mentioned about Gavin's ability to deal with impertinence and also here, he stays friendly, but only answers the questions necessary to get through with the situation. MCs family is checking whether he's wealthy enough to take care of MC (which is sad that in the 21st century that in some countries women need to be financially secured by men). So Gavin just gives them just the right enough of information to pass the test and pass he does.

There is another aspect to his way of answering though. You see, Gavin is an unmaterialistic man. He doesn't care about money or any other meta. He doesn't touch upon the fact that he's coming from a wealthy family, or that he inherits his grandparents house or that he can afford designer dresses, overseas travels or gems without giving a second thought. That shows just how humble Gavin is and I love him for it. What defines him is not his wealth, nor does he allow anyone define him on his financial status. It's his character, the values he stand for, the vision he embodies, the way he treats MC.. Ehm.. And.. His champion body and drop dead gorgeous looks (comes as an extra;))

But the game is far from over, because the family council is now going to challenge him on...

Affinity Test

This is where things get rosy as the family would like to know how they've met and whether they've been together since high school.

Look, Gavin is actually not playing a game, but living the moment. He is well aware of the fact that once he and MC become an official pair, he will be standing on the same spot a year later. He is serious...

So when they ask about their affection, he gives them his genuine answer and confesses his crush on her during high school and says that they've been going out since fall. This dazzles MC, as if she hasn't been dazzled enough lol.

The three glasses of drink he gulps surely has a role in this sincerity and taking three glasses of a drink as a punishment also becomes a tradition for MC and Gavin in the future.

And so, he proudly passes the Affinity Test with flying colors, effortlessly. Only one more stage and he's done it!

Execution Test

Every hero has his moment, when the fight takes a gloomier turn against his favor and the odds don't look good as before when he gets a strong blow, that is when the family hits him with the question "Don't you get alone well with your family?".

This is Gavin's weak spot, his cryptonite, his bleeding wound and MC's family just pressed on it. What makes this scene so heartbreaking is not just the topic itself and we know why it is a sensitive topic for Gavin but also that Gavin actually tries to signal them that this is not his favorite topic. He tells them he doesn't go home for holidays (friendly warning number 1), the aunties pushes by telling him to take some meal with him to which he replies "Thanks, but that's okay. I've been away for a long time" (friendly warning number 2) the family pushes further and as a one last resort he tells them that during college he rarely went there and spent holidays working afterwards (friendly warning number 3). Sadly the auntie than ignorantly ask whether his family doesn't worry about him and now because he's given three fair warning shots which, he downright gives them a brief and resolute answer:

- No.

That's usually the latest where people with common sense stop digging in further. Unfortunately then the auntie asks whether he doesn't get along well with his family to which Gavin no longer responds. This is the perfect way of dealing with such people and Gavin has a very intuitive talent for dealing different people from different mindsets. Give them three friendly and fair warnings, still pushing? Then give them a last chance by one final brief and to the point answer, they choose to ignore the signal? Stop interacting, you can only waste time beyond this point.

The only problem with this situation here, is that these people are not just somebody, Gavin wants to win these people over, so he cannot just ignore them. But also he cannot do it without a timeout, so he goes to grab some wine. (God it makes me so sorry everytime he has to face his family drama or is misjudged. I just wanna hug him bring him hot cocoa, give him a backrub and bring spicy food for him. Luckily he has MC ^_^)

But let's not talk only about about Gavin, because MC is struggling too. And we should recognize her stick up for him with the most cherishing words:

-Auntie, you got it wrong. He is a decent and pure man and has come to my aid many time and in quite dangerous circumstances.

When she comes back however cannot find Gavin, once she does, a heartwarming moment blooms between them.

This scene is very crucial in Gavin and MC's relationship because this is the first time MC sees Gavin tired and flustered. She feels sad for him but also happy for herself, for she feels as though she gets closer to him, thus seeing the real Gavin. By the way she show him her genuine care, Gavins heart melts and kisses the back of her hand as a gesture and so the first intimate moment involving them having a kiss ensues. Furthermore, they show each other their mutual care, which brings them one step closer and this gives Gavin the only courage he needs to tackle the situation.

When our hero gets the courage and the stamina he need from his girl, nothing can stop him now. Having gatherer his strength, Gavin returns to the dinner table:

“I am so happy to be here with you all today. In fact, I haven't felt this atmosphere of family in a long time. I have a very strict father and a brother I seldom see...I don’t even know when I turned into such a loner. Eating alone, sleeping alone, doing everything alone...until I met her. It was a beautiful autumn day. The gingko leaves were floating in the wind. I was also going through a pretty dark time. But she saved me before I hit bottom...It’s she who told me I could live a stronger life. And it’s also she who told me I could live a more tender life. I never felt lonely before, until I met her. I started to get used to star-gazing with her, having dinner with her, spending the New Year’s with her. In the future, I'll give it my all to stay with her, to take good care of her and love her. I wanna make up many times over for all the times I wasn't there”

MC’s heart stopped, aunties eyes teary, the elder Aunt want his actions to back up these words and thus Gavin has a pass from MC's family. Now that he's won the game, it's time to collect his prize.

After they leave MC's aunt's house, our lovebirds walk together in the night full of fireworks and Gavin tells Mc that Minor has mentored him on being the perfect son-in-law, hence he was late. He also asks her what she would do if he didn't show up, to which she says that her intuition says that he won't fail her and he murmurs quietly:

- I've waited a long time for today.

Of course he doesn't repeats himself when MC asks him about what he just said. But that's what kept him going all night long.

He has waited for six whole years to meet her again, to stand by here, take good care of her and love her. Tonight, he could do them all by being her "boyfriend", giving his word to her family and having their blessings. He could see that she also cares a lot for him, worries about him and wants to be there for him. He landed his lips for the first time on her delicate skin and could give her warmth.

He could finally confess his feelings for her and say the genuine things he will only say to her.

So yes, he has waited for a long time for this moment to come and when it came, he made sure to grab it tightly.

----—----—---

Timeline issues:

- The order of the dates in the game doesn't always reflect the real course of events. The grey suit that Gavin wears is actually bought after Romantic Date, which takes place after this date.

-Even though MC plans this whole game to avert blind dates, but she still gets set up later on a blind date by another aunt lol.

Thank you once again for your patience nonny and I hope that the analysis proves to be worthy of your wait 💗

Masterlist

For MC's confession let me take you here

For Gavin and MCs relationship milestones here

For a fun trivia about this date you can click here

#Meeting the family is important #Gavin preparing for being the perfect son in law #And getting help from Minor #Anon asks #mlqc #mlqc gavin #mlqc bai qi #mlqc haku #mlqc baek gi #mr love queen's choice #koi to producer #Meta #Analysis #Saturday night #Saturday

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multicolouredbeanbag · 4 years ago

Text

pt 3 sorting characters into hogwarts houses

Part 1 Part 2

Tl;dr: April Stevens is a Hufflepuff who projects Slytherin; at her core she is a loyalist and she values community, even though her definition of a community has become GREATLY limited due to… reasons.

so here’s the thing. April looks like a Slytherin. She talks like a Slytherin. She walks like a Slytherin. But I don’t think she actually IS a Slytherin.

Today I defend the idea that April Stevens is actually a Hufflepuff (primary, ie. her motivations/values) and a Ravenclaw secondary (methods/tactics). I absolutely love this character even tho she is a lil mean, and I think that viewing her through this framework does justice to her complexities/core of who she is.

I mention the primary/secondary sorting hats system in Part 1 so feel free to google that or read my other analyses first.

Spoilers below:

Let’s talk about April’s secondary first, which addresses the HOW of person. How they approach situations, how they problem solve.

HP canon often posits Ravenclaws as the “intelligent” character, and while April IS very smart, that’s not why I consider her a Ravenclaw.

April is a HUGE planner and collector of information. She likes to be prepared because it gives her control over a situation. She’s an excellent strategizer. She’s less comfortable with improvising without having some tools/contingency plans to draw from, so when she’s stressed, she has a tendency to fall back on the tools that she’s brought with her (in contrast to Sterling, who absolutely thrives in improvisation)

My first example is the debate tournament - as team captain, she’s in it to win it. Her strategy of choice is to prepare detailed dossiers on all the other team captains. This works well enough for her, until opponent debater Craig pulls a move she couldn’t anticipate (using his own research against her), and she falls to pieces. Still, she takes some time, gathers herself again, and pressures Sterling to use the dossier on Craig to take him down (contingency plan).

Other examples:

Asked Sterling to debate her when deciding whether to come out or not - girl RUNS on logic

April’s approach to school is very organized/planning based, she’s also kind of a major nerd OBVIOUSLY, so this is a more conventional representation of her Ravenclaw-ness

S1E1, she snatches the condom wrapper but retreats with the information probably for processing purposes. She makes a plan - use threat of exposure to blackmail Sterling into giving her the fellowship position, and doesn’t deviate from it, even when the plan fails. Sterling has to save her from that situation ultimately.

This is a little more vague, but I’m thinking about how April comes off as a rigid, somewhat inflexible character. She’s not very easily persuaded to change her behavior (this, of course, makes so much sense! When you think about being gay in the south like? Her reluctance to come out is completely understandable) which contrasts very severely against Sterling’s expressive fluidity. April is a lot more static, and part of that is because it’s difficult for her to thrive when it’s an area that she hasn’t had the opportunity to prepare/plan/study.

Now for the much more interesting and complicated part, April’s PRIMARY.

Again, the Primary is all about WHY someone does something. Their motivations and values. I argue that April Stevens is a true Hufflepuff because she places utmost importance on community.

The HP canon defining qualities of being Hufflepuff are patience and loyalty. It’s the fair and inclusive house. However, it would be reductive to suggest that all Hufflepuffs are friendly, warm individuals. They are bonded together not by their shared amity, but by their value of people and groups—community.

April’s “community” on the show is unfortunately tied to her family and the Christian community. She fears not belonging (bc homophobia) so she overcompensates by conforming aggressively (see, Straight-Straight alliance S1E1).

The episode that really sold this analysis for me was S1E7, when April and Sterling had a number of conversations about April’s dad.

April: “My dad used to call my family a team. And I worked so hard to be the very best version of myself because Team Stevens wins. Teams Stevens is perfect, except that it’s not.”

With these words, we get some insight into why she’s so intense and high-achieving and obsessive all the time. It’s not so much because she wants to win for herself, it’s more the fact that she’s part of a team. She does her part for the team by excelling everywhere she thinks it counts, and of course her underlying gayness contributes to her NEED to be perfect. In practice, it comes off as personal ambition, which is why April seems, at least on the surface, pretty slytherin-y. In reality, it must be more about compensating for something she feels she lacks. Team Stevens can’t be perfect if they’re ostracized by the community due to their (only?) child being gay, so of course she has to keep it to herself, and she has to be the best on all other counts so no one can ever touch them.

Another example, S1E6, at the tournament April says, “You know what’s going on with my family right now; we have become the black sheep of the entire community. I needed a win!” She projects her personal problems onto external academic goals.

This framework of achievement as a prerequisite of community, flawed as it is, seemed to be working for her, at least up until her dad was arrested for attacking a prostitute. In a conversation with Sterl, back when April was trying to steal the fellowship title:

S: Why are you doing this? Is it because of what’s going on with your family?

A: What John did is his problem.

S: He’s still your dad.

A: I don’t care. He beat up a prostitute! I’m not a fan of sex workers but they deserve to be safe!

She obviously feels confused and hurt that her dad lied to her and was violent to women, which is something she cannot stand. For a while, she drops her father like a hot potato, throwing away his letters from jail and ignoring his calls. Hufflepuffs value people—fair is fair.

But she kind of still supports him at the end anyway, when he comes home (s1E10). She must be feeling so conflicted when this happens. Dad is a part of family (established community) therefore she has to support him. Dad possibly hurt someone, but then he did get cleared of his charges. April is essentially making a choice between Dad and Sterling, established community vs. possible (in fact PROBABLE) community alienation.

Hufflepuff and Slytherins are both loyalists because they both care about people—Hufflepuff because they’re people, Slytherin because they’re THEIR people. For all intents and purposes, by S1E10, Sterling is one of April’s “people.” So how does April choose? She goes with the established community, which is really to say she chooses culture and tradition.

April has spent her entire life locking away a significant part of herself for the sake of her family and more generally, her religious community. In S1E8/S1E9, April is almost convinced to come out—FOR Sterling. She probably would have gone through with it were it not for her dad showing up the next episode. April obviously has (justified) reservations about coming out because it’s honestly pretty dangerous to be out in the south, and these circumstances haven’t changed just because she found a girl that she likes. But she is reluctantly on board because Sterling would have been there to take the leap with her… at this point, April had expanded her definition of community to include Sterling, and for a moment Sterling’s optimism had broken past April’s defenses. Then her dad comes back, and April realizes that she has to make a choice even though this choice hurts them both terribly—Sterling is after all, one person, and what is one person in the face of boundless historical tradition and family values?

Hufflepuff morality tends to be influenced by external inputs, while Slytherin morality tends to come from the internal, the gut. Hufflepuffs can and will ignore their internal feelings when they contradict with the needs of the community. Slytherins are less easily swayed by external influences if they are sure they are right.

April has shrunk down her loyalties to a more manageable level (truly, a very LIMITED circle), but still prioritizes fairness and loyalty and of course, second chances. It’s partly why she’s open to reconnecting with her father. Maintaining these loyalties comes at the cost of her relationship with Sterling, but this is something April is willing to do: self-sacrifice for (greater) community.

Just to take a step back, April and Sterling’s relationship back in 5th grade is just… fascinating. In S1E6, we find out that April’s whole grudge against Sterling comes from when Sterling “gave her away” to another group at recess. An odd event that they both remember differently, and who can say what really happened? All we know is that April’s animosity comes from this perceived slight— the abandonment by someone she once trusted and considered part of her community. It’s very telling that their rivalry stems from this particular moment, the fracturing of a loyalty, as opposed anything else.

April: “the past is the past, we’re all adults here” but alsooo April, >:’(

Another example: at the tournament, when April is trying to convince Sterling to use the dirt on Craig to secure their win.

S: I don’t know if I can stoop that low.

A: He did it to me!

April’s first instinct was a quid pro quo, you attack me, my group will attack you. Which is why she is so offended that Sterling refuses to take the shot, because in April’s mind, it’s only fair. This exchange supports the idea that April considers community first, ambition second.

I like to think that April hides her vulnerable side, her honest hopes and dreams, behind her external perfectionism and ambition. I like to think that she cares a lot, that she’s a prickly, distrustful, kind of Hufflepuff who craves validation because she thinks it’s a substitute for connection. And I would like to see her find that type of community, that she and EVERYBODY deserves: love that doesn’t contain (in her words) “a post condition that we follow their rules for love.”

#teenage bounty hunters #tbh #april stevens #sterling wesley #stepril #devon hales #character analysis #hp houses #ok but if the tbh characters actually did go to hogwarts april would HUNDO P be in slytherin #it's alllll about the choice #gotta live up to the clearly elite pureblood upbringing that she would have #an abrasive intense gal trying her best #I LOVE APRIL STEVENS and devon if ur reading this? love u too #y'all i'm not religious but is it obvious who I project onto?#if u read the tags #thank u

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i-need-entertainment · 4 years ago

Text

Not Scary To me

Character: Washio x single mom reader

*Timeskip spoilers*

Pt.2

TW- mentions of insecurity, Washio has past ~trauma~, mentions of divorce and toxic relationships.

If you asked anyone who knew Washio Tatsuki if he was a scary, mean and dangerous man, they would probably laugh in your face. Since he was a teenager Washio was no stranger to being judged by his appearance. He was always taller than the other kids, much more muscular and his general demeanor screamed ‘intimidating’. Which was why people were typically scared of him and unwilling to get to know him. So when he entered his first year in Fukurodani, it was no surprise to him when no one wanted to be his seat mate. That is, until you appeared.

“Is this seat taken?” He looked up, and he felt his heart stop. In front of him was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. She had warm and kind features, and the most welcoming smile he’d ever received from a girl. Well, a girl who wasn’t his mom or his older sister anyway. He quietly told the girl ‘no’ and nodded when she asked if she could sit there. Over the course of just a few months the two had become fast friends. They always ate lunch together, studied together, hung out after school and she always made sure to be in the front row when she watched his games.

For the next three years, the two became best friends. They were there for each other through all of their highs, their lows, their problems in their love lives. Er- Y/n’s problems in her love life. Throughout high school she dated this guy, Ken Hashimoto. He was your typical high school heart throb. He was charming, popular and very attractive the whole school saw them as the ‘it’ couple. But to Washio, they were anything but.

Putting aside his bias, he never really like Ken. To him Ken was sleazy, dishonest, and cunning. Washio lost count of how many times you had called him during terrible hours of the night crying over something the jerk had done. Or worse, when the two of you had fought and it was up to Washio to console you. But no matter how many times he picked you up from rock bottom, he’d always be there to pick you up again when that jerk pushed you down. Why? The reason was simple.

Washio Tatsuki was in love with you. And he had learned to accept a long time ago that you would never love him the same way.

Throughout the next three years you and Ken were off and on. He was a jerk, yes. He was selfish and dishonest. And…he hurt you. A lot. But for whatever reason you…couldn’t leave him. You had experienced too much with him, felt too much with him. He had too much to guilt you into staying for longer than you should have. You and Washio were very good friends, but for some reason after high school, your friendship didn’t last. You both tried to stay in contact, see each other every now and then. But with him going pro and you pursuing your interests, you both agreed it was okay you couldn’t see each other as much.

For you that was the case. But for him, it was simply because it was too painful to constantly be reminded of what he didn’t have every time he caught sight of the engagement ring sitting on your left ring finger. Not long after he left for Hiroshima (It doesn’t say where the EJP Raijin are located, but they’re based off of the JT Thunders which are in Hiroshima Japan) to play as a middle blocker for the EJP Raijin (Eastern Japan Paper Mills Raijin).

It’s been about five years since the two of you have seen each other. When you and Washio had graduated, you had started drifting apart. During that time you and Ken had actually been doing okay. He was treating you much better (well, by the standards of you guys’ relationship anyway) and it seemed like it was going places. So when he proposed, you didn’t think twice. Especially since the only man you think you’ve truly loved was soon leaving for Hiroshima.

That’s right, you, Y/n L/n were in love with Washio Tatsuki. Before you rage quit reading this, bear with me! Yes! You loved him so, so much. But you couldn’t leave Ken. You knew he wasn’t a great guy, you had experienced it first hand! But no matter how much you wanted to you just couldn’t go, plus…you couldn’t go to Washio, he didn’t deserve that.

So you kept quiet, married a man you tried to love and forget the man you always did. Here we are five years after the two of you graduated. Washio was still playing for EJP, and you were living in Osaka with your three year old little girl, Emiko. Currently you were working as a sports manager for the MSBY Black Jackals. Well that was the job they paid you for, but on most days, you felt like the MSBY Black Jackals baby sitter instead.

“What? No- Bokuto you cannot go sky diving before next weeks game- I don’t know! No, don’t ask Akaashi, you know he’ll side with me. Atsumu don’t encourage him!! Bo, if you ask him, I promise you he’s going to tell you the same thing I did. *sigh* just- get here on time. We have a practice match today.” Bidding your goodbyes and letting out one more painful sigh you put down your phone and rubbed your temples.

Don’t get me wrong, you loved the MSBY four, but man did they give you some big time stress. “Mommy?” All your worries faded away as you looked to the doorway, your little girl Emiko standing there with her favorite stuffed bunny in hand. “Hey there baby, ready to go?” Emiko excitedly nodded her head and walked towards you, lifting her hands above her head for you to carry her (she is only 3 after all). After getting the necessary items and a bag for Emiko the two of you left the house and headed to the MSBY Black Jackals stadium.

The Black Jackals had a daycare center in the stadium, so working parents could leave their kids there while they did their jobs. It was nice having it in the building, especially since Emiko was a painfully shy kid. She was very quiet and usually didn’t talk to strangers, or people she knew for that matter. It was unusual for her to utter more than ‘hi’ and someone’s name (other than to you or your parents of course, or people she felt comfortable around). As soon as the two of you arrived you said your greetings to your co-workers and made your way to the daycare center.

Until “Bunny!” this particular part of the building was always crowded, and you daughter just realized that between here and the front door she had lost her stuffed animal. Before you could re-grab her hand, she was gone and a sickening amount of panic settled in your stomach, you of course immediately ran to go get her.

At the same time, Washio and the rest of EJP Raijin had just entered the MSBY stadium for the practice match they’d be having. When they got settled, the coach told them they had about 2 hours before the match started, giving them about 1 ½ hours to kill. Komori and Suna went off to antagonize Sakusa and Atsumu while Washio explored the stadium. (Bokuto and Hinata were not there yet for reasons better left unknown.)

Before Washio could get very far he saw something on the floor. ‘Is that a…bunny?’ squatting down he picked up the toy to notice it was indeed a stuffed bunny that he guessed belonged to a child. He picked it up and made his way back to the entrance, figuring he’d leave it at the office for someone to find. But before he could get there, he heard a small “Mister…?” He looked down to see the cutest little girl he’d ever seen tugging at his pants, with tears in her beautiful e/c eyes.

For a moment he stilled. He didn’t dislike kids, quite the opposite actually! It’s just…kids didn’t usually perceive him very well, usually they were afraid of him. Trying to make himself as approachable as he could he put on a gentle smile and knelt down before the girl. Sure he was still much bigger, but he was less intimidating. “Are you okay?” The little girl shyly looked at him before she shook her head ‘no’, and after some inner contemplation said “Bunny” Washio then gently smiled and showed her the bunny he had in his hand, noting the way her familiar e/c eyes lit up as she excitedly reached for the stuffy.

She happily squealed as she hugged the toy. Right around that time you, who was running adrenaline and two cups of coffee, also a huffing and puffing mess had desperately turned the corner. “EMIKO!” The little girl turned around and smiled, triumphantly holding up the bunny. “Mommy! This nice man found bunny!” Looking past her you finally realized the man who had been kneeling (but is now standing) in front of your daughter. Both of your eyes blown wide as you both looked at each other.

”…Tatsuki?” Washio nodded as a familiar but buried feeling fluttered in his chest as he choked out a ‘Y/n?’. You quickly ran up to him and gave him a hug, one he gladly returned. Your daughter looked at the two of you confused before acting like the two of you didn’t exist, she had some business with her precious bunny she had to take care of! “But- Wha- how? What are you doing here?!” You asked him as you pulled away from the hug. His hands went into his pockets, a nervous habit you vividly remember him having, as a smile overtook his features.

“I’m on EJP Raijin, we’re here for a practice match. What about you? I thought you were still in Tokyo with…him.” Y/n’s expression faltered at the mention of her ex-husband. “I’m the sports manager for the Jackals, have been for about a year now. And, uh, he’s not in the picture, he left last year.” Y/n maintained the small awkward smile on her face as Washio nodded. Washio’s eyes slightly widened, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” You waved him off as you picked up your little girl. “Don’t be, I kind of figured we’d never last long anyways…” Washio just nodded.

“But! It’s not all bad, I got through school during all…that, got my degree and when we were getting divorced, I found this job. So, when it was done, we packed up and moved here and got started on our life together.” You continued to smile fondly at your little girl, she laid her head on your shoulder and looked at Washio with an unreadable expression. “Enough about me! How have you been? Anyone special?”

You asked him, you wanted to know he was doing well, that he was happy. But there was also that little part of you that wanted to know if he was single. He let out a small chuckle, the sound taking you back to high school. “I’ve been alright. Not long after we graduated, I moved down to Hiroshima to play for EJP, threw myself into my career and here we are But, uh no. No one special.” You two were smiling at each other when Emiko tapped your shoulder. She leaned close to your ear and cupped her small hand around your ear.

“Mommy?” You were holding back a giggle at her cute action. “Yes, baby?” Emiko nervously looked at Washio, and he felt a sort of dread come over him. ‘here we go again’ he thinks as he waits for the tears to start… ”What’s his name? I like him.” As if it was even possible your smile got even wider. “Well, why don’t you ask him?” The little girl looked at you before looking at him, you gently placed her on the ground and encouraged her. “Uhm….mm..” She looked nervously to the floor as she tightly clutched her bunny, making some noises of discomfort.

She then looked up to him. “What’s your name…?” She asked in a small voice. He smiled and knelt down, holding out his hand to her much smaller one. “Washio Tatsuki. What’s your name?” She smiled and she took her hand and lightly shook his. “Emiko…Emiko L/n” she then released his hand and presented her bunny’s hand instead, wanting him to shake it (which he did). “This is bunny.” The little girl continued to smile, happy that this nice man was not only nice to her and her mommy, but also bunny. That scored a lot of points with her.

The little girl turned around and looked at her mom. “Mommy?” You looked down to her as you started to stroke her long brown hair, which was seemingly the only trait she received from her father. ”Can we see Washio again? I want him to be my friend…” You couldn’t tell if the swelling feeling in your chest was from your daughter wanting to be someone’s friend, or the prospect of seeing Washio again, but after five years of loneliness, it was a welcomed feeling nonetheless.

You looked up to meet his equally surprised but happy eyes. “Well? What do you say…”? He smiled down at the young girl before nodding his head, the little girl happily giggling and clutching his leg in a sort of hug before quickly returning to your side. “Oh! I need to get this little one to daycare, and I need to get to work! Uhm, why don’t we exchange numbers and we can get dinner or something, the three of us?” Emiko just nodded, even if she wasn’t really listening, while you and Washio exchanged information and said your goodbyes. You dropped Emiko off and made your way to the gym, since the practice match would begin in just under an hour.

*I have split this into parts bEcaUse it ended up reaaall long :) The next parts should be out soon*

#washio x reader #washio tatsuki #Haikyuu!!#y/n #washio x y/n #haikyu x reader #haikyuufanfiction #hq oneshots

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queenofallwitches · 4 years ago

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Why I hate people who spend their adult life arguing online;

1. Well it’s juvenile , I personally prefer to leave any and all pseudo intellectual social discourse in my 6th grade debating class...

2. You aren’t anyone important and not saying novel things, you are using people who have put information that is novel and trying to spin it into your own agenda.

3. Waste of time, fools will be foolish, and if you enjoy the discourse, toastmasters or academic debating would be more productive uses of time

4. You lack self insight

5. You are self aware and doing it due to your own egotistical, sadistic, cunning desires. (Trolls, deep fakes)

Why I never take anyone who loves to argue on menial topics seriously: (spiritually or mentally)

I am high iq and high eq. I am also “attractive by the conventional measures of society” I deal with the most pathetic and malicious idiots who cannot understand a woman who has aesthetic appeal, that can also hold a stimulating and intelligent conversation.

I don’t argue. I problem solve. Arguing online was faded out when I was 14 years old.

But people who are almost 40, ar still out there pretending that they are the most unique and authoritative source of blogging bullshit. When the world media and journalism is where we are today. The academic literature speaks a plethora more than an adult in the hamster wheel, unable to see they are playing checkers in a left vs right, design by social engineering and the think tanks of Tavistock, you play the part they put you to be.

A dialectic of irrational and repetitive arguments is never productive.

It lacks a solution or a higher order of resolution, why are you behaving to destroy when you are claiming to want to create a world better?

So unconscious and unexplained lack of self awareness in adults who are obviously insecure and ignorant becomes old quick.

I comprehend why it’s important but the level of the argument is basic, and been recycled 1000000 times.

Why am I writing this? Free speech is not free. If you can discourse over the same shit and never find a solution you are part of the same fucking problem.

How I know?

Life experience. Learning.

Love of learning and living and devouring the higher level of what if, how can we, let’s move into a better solution.

I have many years of experience that is beyond the understanding of most people and I have gone through things nobody understands.

One time I was a young teen, but was already too smart, too sassy, too aware and that left my life a wreck after I went too far.

I DID get expelled in the 11th grade. I’m no idiot, I am actually genius, by measures of conventional iq.

So I was academically talented without effort, not to boast, because I hated being smart.

But I did get the internet social discourse I needed to say; on things that we should be all knowing are social engineering in a designed dichotomy to divide and conquer.

I was in a program in high school called cum laude. I cannot recall the meaning. But we were advanced academics, not only skilled at learning but sports, extra curricular things like musicals, choir, crusade survivor camps (duke of Edinburgh), debating, tutoring/mentoring younger students & more. I won many awards without trying. Mostly for geography (social science), design tech, visual art & creative writing. I was learning university level things in year 8. And examining and analysis to debate in scholarly discourse about topics that were familiar when I was in 1-2 year of my bachelor degree. An example is philosophy, as this was mandated in the GT program. Smart is my sense of knowing how to balance the logical and the emotional. This is ONE percent of my life but one I did not follow through on and as a result I walk this path now, and I put up with the educated and intelligent “idiots” (like conformity, bullying, bitching kids in the same class) and refuse to stoop to low iq, low eq and low level idiots.

You waste time. I am not saying I am only exclusive to educated or academic professionals, that is not what this is about. This is about me being underestimated and undermined and never taken seriously because I get the most inhuman torment if I do start to speak my truth.

Lucky I found comfort in solitary rebellion. So. Let’s see what I am that is always going to be a work in progress but what my enemies forget all the time.

To remind you:

I am a born, intuitive empath, psychic and ancestral lineages of many esoteric paths play into my natural ability. I used to hate feeling, knowing and perceiving things that I could see happening, in my dreams, visions and “gnosis” before they happened. I felt powerless.

But now I know how to harness it, things change.

And yet still I have to sit back and observe, as I did for years in school, and then in the fucking shithole employment situation that was my consequence of 2 expulsions from schools. (They value conformity over fucking intelligence) I had a gang of kids in my last high school sign a petition to have me expelled and that is one example of how people in my life come to attack, hate, misunderstand and spit venom for no reason.

I never push that energy myself. But I call things as I see them. I am real , and my perception is primed to pierce the veil on those who lack authenticity, who are bullies, cunning, cruel, conformists, deep fakes, fraudulent, following orders for the sake of fear, or just narcissistic or psychopathic “organic portals” who carry out the agenda for the black lodge.

I have no issue if these people want to live a life away from me and what I protect. But when my sphere is crossed into on a repeated basis, I will study the situation in silence. I won’t speak of what I see, without objective and subjective factors weighed in a careful, cautious but not closed minded, way. See you and I are probably not the same because I’m the kind of human who always gives people the benefit of the doubt and believes that people are better, that is my detriment and my strength. I see the good and hope that others carry a genuine heart and soul. But my experience shows me that I am not wrong when I feel off, or intuitive feelings are ignored due to my “dismissal”.

When I find the truth, I always say, I knew I needed to listen to my heart and head.

That’s why I can never be broken, or betrayed, or backstabbed worse than before. It is always a learning lesson I am open to growing from.

I am always open to being wrong, or told how to be better, my flaws are on open display and I am not scared of that. I want to be more helpful to grow and nourish the people and places I interact with.

In my world, arguing online was a dying medium by my 18th birthday. For many reasons. But the enemy is a sucker for this divide and conquer, drama bred social and political bullshit that’s all just opinion and speculation. It creates a negative tone and teaches nothing of novelty or wisdom. It just shows how weak, insecure, paranoid, and self obsessed people who are too old for the high school bullshit, by miles, are. my enemies could even spit out the first longing to follow the death cult of the black lodge, I was already aware of what 95 % of you found out in 2020. I don’t mean to be pretentious or pompous, I’m not. I’m actually the most passionate, loving and open minded human I know. But the people who come into my spaces to play to prey. Imposters and the immoral, A siphoning sickness in a role to ruin, how could anyone do that but someone who is a soul-devoid parasite? That’s real fucking discourse. Let’s talk about morality, moral principles and how they are applied and actualised into the metacogition of your own microcosm.

Suggestions and solutions?

How about discourse on the metaphysics of mystic, magick, the mind and the method to mend the mundane world into a manifestation where a symbiotic system of mutually beneficial prosperity, peace, collaboration, creation & harmony can be lived on a daily basis?

How about solutions and sitting with your own shadow in the darkness to see your flaws.

how they only give me a free pass to watch the shit show. when push comes to shove and patterns that are seen in your behaviour, cyclically, are the key that unlocks the truth of anyone’s hidden motivation.

Why is deception and destruction never noted by the deceived, unless someone like me comes to break the wall of ignorance to say “hey this is the truth and it hurts and looks vile but fucking wake up”. No I don’t like the ripple impact this has but at the same time I am aw woman of strength. I will stand up for the real, authentic and genuine truth and speak my mind.

I don’t sugar coat this bullshit.

Nor will I indulge it.

Let alone be a person who lets it seep it’s tendrils into my life and what I love.

Not ever. Never.

As someone wise once said “despair ends, tactics begin”

You cannot claim any authentic path without putting your soul, blood and spirit to the test of facing your demons, slaying the darkness. I am not sure that comes with what I and others see these action and behaviour presenting to be.

I rarely write things like this, and only want to address this because i walk on a path of “rose and thorn”. My thorn will eventually slay whatever is a threat, a charlatan or a sheep in wolves clothing. By accident. Because what you are lacking is always looking to attack, I am always having to protect and defend my life from the evil.

I see you. I know the hidden hand x64. I am always open to forgiving people if they are sincere but will play reflection of the adverse if passive people are coming to what to me, is a beautiful and amazing thing, and to be acting as agents of sabotage? Shame on your lack of soul, and it’s lack of seeking to steal, stain and shit all over the things of substance, spirituality and sincerity will always be seen when I am the seer seeing the undertones.

So where is the moral compass?

Find yourself, and then you can find something real that is yours to be into and love. Maybe even this. But to fuck with what is real, while being fake, and following orders, is by far, fence sitting and fraudulent, insidious & infantile activity. Why not spend time looking inside to see why you are following this order from who for what? What is your genuine purpose? Soul mission? Higher self ? Or are you all still stuck in the love is the law is the law love under the will of the guy who wrote a book last century.

Fucking even Crowley lived his great work, and he has flaws and did things many would dispute to be “evil”. But he didn’t copy another clone from 100 years prior, following the mantra that someone else made up. That’s the stupid thing, the whole “do what thou wilt” was not do what you want but that is not a strong point for the sheep of the worst. I know as I see both sides, and as a child in the 90s I saw the dark, evil and insidious. To see that again, here, 3 decades later, playing coy but really carrying rancid intent.. is my call to commune what many will never see, because you all are complicit, and tell these fucking lies and divert productive progress by your stupid discourse. These people LOVE senseless debating. Semantics. Solutions, self awareness or seek a soul inside the empty cavern that the black lodge will set inside your sadistic serpentine, slimy soul.

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certifiedceraunophile · 3 years ago

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More Salty asks 👀

18, 21, 5, 4, 3, 7, 10.

ty <3

So sorry it took me so long to answer anon but here's the salt you've asked for

18. Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased?

God no, wtf kind of logic is that, you can or not do something, as in shipping, or stanning or being an anti, for literally ANY reason including no reason, I repeat, you dont need a single fucking reason, much less a "valid" one, there is literally nothing called a valid reason when it comes to fandom bc all reasons are valid at the end of the day, since it's ffs JUST fiction. If you dont ship/stan something popular good for you, hang out w your rare pairs and fall in love w your minor characters, you want to write terrible fucking incoherent anti-metas about a character that's very popular, go ahead DO IT, literally nothing should stop you, it is not problematic to HATE an objectively good character w absolutely no reason, it's not problematic to LOVE a scumbag character for the shallowest reason, it's not problematic to condone evil acts done by your fav character and praise them and love them for it, it is not problematic to want a character killed simply bc they mildly grate you, it is not problematic to do or feel anything about a character as long as your aware that this character or ship cannot be removed from their fictional world and you are simply judging a fictional object who's actions and principles are bound to the fictional world they exist in and cannot in any way affect the real world beyond the value of entertainment.

--also completely tangential side note but if anybody thinks the depravities or deplorable actions explored in a fictional work can in anyway enable real life people who have consumed such media, to do and/or consider the same, I would politely suggest you to restrain from projecting your grossly malleable mind that's clearly more impressionable the wet stinking cement on to others, bc believe it or not most of us have this innate ability to not only separate fiction from reality, but also pick and choose what media we consume is allowed to influence us in addition to entertaining us--

But back to the point, my answer to that question is no, you are not biased, you are not in denial, you simply choose not to invest your time and energy and mindspace into this one fictional being or couple and that is just about the most valid thing as any.

21.What are your thoughts on crack ships?

absolutely love them, I really wish there are more absolutely WILD ships that have no logical reasoning behind them to exist in the fandoms I am part of.

5.Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

Nope. although it has made a ship I was already mildly averse to even more worse in my eyes, but I dont think that counts.

4.Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?

Yep and it's a LIST, let's see Steroline, Bamon, Klayley, Klamille, Marbekah, I HATE KOLVINA.

And yeah that's about it, don't get me wrong I dont like many ships and need to click off ff if they are a part of it as a side pairing, but these are the ones I loathe w a passion bc one half of the ship is a character I absolutely LOVE and the other half is just the GREATEST disservice done to said characters,

For steroline- I wish stefan was never fished out from the bottom of that lake.

Bamon- Damon can get his dick skinned.

Klayley- Klaus is a fucking cockroach I agree. but Hayley good god is not helping the situation at all. Same for Klamille.

Marbekah-it's incest yall first of all, and second Rebekah deserves a man who fucking chooses her EVERYTIME and not just once when it's convenient for him.

Kolvina: I-I-do I even need to elaborate?? THE DISSERVICE DONE TO KOL. Christ. I am sorry but this ship I truly hate w a passion too strong for me to even bother playing it cool.

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

Nope. But I do block that specific tag/content so that when they post about the specific topic we disagree on I am not able to see it, CURATE YOUR FANDOM EXPERIENCE ALWAYS THANKS, and also having shitty shipping opinions is the last thing you can do to get me fired up and stop talking to you, my bff is both a steroline shipper and a Kolvina shipper, but she's my ride or die, like fandom opinions and thoughts on a fictional character amount to literally NOTHING in real life, and I really hope people understand that, but also at the same time in tumblr specifically, if a blog you follow posts anti-posts about your fav character or something like that absolutely unfollow them if you are not comfortable seeing it? following them to engage in fandom discourse is not something I personally would ever do, but as long both the parties involved are interested in discourse i see no harm, but if youre not willing to engage or even see such content ma'am wtf is it even doing on your dash UNFOLLOW and block the tag please.

[already answered the next q so I'm copy pasting it here]

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

oh lmao I wouldnt have been able to understand this question yesterday, but like today I was again hunting scenes for gifs, and I found that Marcel actually holds no appeal to me, in fact, If Elijah decided to slap his head off, I wouldnt have minded at all. Also I was a forwood shipper at the time but now I look at them and have this inexplicable urge to scratch something.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Redemption arcs, jfc I HATE THEM, mostly bc my ability to perceive villains shuttles between two distinct opposites, "They are depraved, and evil and everything wrong in this world and I LOVE THEM." or "They are depraved and evil and everything wrong in the world and I HATE THEM" there is literally no in between, so in the first case I love them precisely because they are the scourge of the earth, and a redemption arc [not that I've ever seen one done even mildly ok-ish for the characters to actually redeem them] will literally work to unfuck their fuckiness that I absolutely ADORE. So no I do not want redemption arcs for them at all, and on the flip side when I hate an evil character the only redemption I will accept is them being of good use to the maggots that feast on their dead rotten corpse.

This is the ask

#salty asks #anon ask #thanks for the ask anon 🧂🤝🏾🤸🏾‍♀️

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collectsfallenstars · 4 years ago

Text

Gravity: A Summary of the Development of Jeong TaeEul’s Feelings for Lee Gon in “The King: Eternal Monarch (Part 1 of 3)

*spoiler warnings for episodes 1-8*

I’m responding to a specific point that critics have raised about “The King: Eternal Monarch having a slow pace while the romance between the leads have happened at an extremely fast pace. That, or there has been no development whatsoever. In the K-drama world, yes it was fast, but in my humble opinion, just because it was fast doesn’t mean it was underdeveloped. I think it had to be that way because of the kind of characters they were created to be. And I am going to try and prove this by tracing the development of Jeong Tae-eul’s feelings from the first episode to the 8th only. I’m leaving Lee Gon out because his emotional journey is different from Jeong Tae-eul’s and he comes into the series with his feelings almost fully developed. The one that needs to catch up is Jeong Tae-eul so I will follow her.

Now, let’s look at these two characters.

Lee Gon is a mathematician and well versed in scientific matters. He is a man of logic, relentless in the pursuit of a final answer to any equation. He comes into the series already half in love with Jeong Tae-eul. Upon seeing that she exists, he pursues her. His character’s conflict now is how to convince Jeong Tae-eul that what he feels for her is real. But before he even gets there, he first has to prove that his identity as the King of Corea is also real. Aside from this, he also has his own emotional journey to take on but that’s another discussion.

This one is about Jeong Tae-eul because it might seem baffling that she spent 6 episodes seemingly annoyed and exasperated with Lee Gon’s crazy declarations of King-ness and her utmost importance in his life, and then suddenly came running into his arms by the 7th episode and ended up confessing to him by the 8th. It’s not that baffling if you take a closer look at her character.

Jeong Tae-eul is a taekwondo master, detective, not very good in math and science, but well versed in chicken and beer. What with her being a detective, one would think that she would be as logical as Lee Gon. She is.

But she and Lee Gon do not have the same kind of logic. Lee Gon can grasp non-material knowledge like theorems and possibilities of other worlds from a theoretical point of view and only cancel them out when they are proven incorrect. Like a mathematical equation. It’s also why, between the two of them, he’s the more romantic one. But Jeong Tae-eul’s logic is that of a flat-earther. I’m not sure if that brand carries the same stigma in South Korea as it does in the west, but I’m sure that the writer, Kim Eun-sook, did not mean to make her look like a nutter by branding her a flat-earther. It just means that she’s one of those people who need to see something first before they believe it. It’s also why she speaks so bluntly. She says what she needs to say as honestly as possible because she demands the same kind of transparency in order for her to believe someone else.

She was also never really good in school, particularly in math. (Okay, science too.) Even Kang Shin-jae knows it as shown by his tired expression during the time they went on a stakeout. This means abstract concepts like square roots, quantum mechanics, and parallel worlds fly over her head. She relies on physicality to navigate the world. That’s what Taekwondo, a contact sport, gives her. She perceives the world through her senses. Eating fried chicken and drinking beer satisfy her body, her sense of taste and smell. They’re real to her and so she likes doing it. But if she can’t hold them, see them, smell them, taste them, and hear them, then they do not exist.

And this is why, when Lee Gon couldn’t produce his identification papers when they first met at Gwanghwamun Square, refused to tell her his name, and told her he lived in a parallel world, it drove her up the wall.

“IF YOU KNEW I WOULDN’T BELIEVE YOU, WHY SAY SUCH BULLSHIT? SHOW ME YOUR ID”

“I DON’T HAVE AN ID BECAUSE I AM WHO I AM”

If she can’t believe that he’s the unnameable King of Corea, how else is she going to believe that she is as important to him as he says she is?

In Episode 2, she gets his money, fingerprints, and DNA tested – methods she knows will work, and trust to do so. In Episodes 3 – 4, the fingerprints and DNA turn up with nothing. The money, despite appearances, is proved to be genuine by Forensics by the 4th episode. But her first clue that Lee Gon might actually be telling the truth was his diamond button. A legitimate jeweler accepted it in exchange for cash in the 2nd episode.

But it wasn’t until the 4th episode that the pieces of evidence began to stack up to support Lee Gon’s claims. When he left to go home and Jeong Tae-eul saw that Maximus was gone from her yard, she actually searched for Lee Gon’s movements through CCTV footage. She found him disappearing into the bamboo forest and that was it. Although she couldn’t confirm that he had an actual home, the fact that he had disappeared into somewhere told her that he must have one. It was also on the 4thepisode when she lost her ID card and it was reissued to her exactly on the date that Lee Gon told her it would be—Nov. 11, 2019. This shakes her to the core because her flat world just wavered. And when Lee Gon reappears at the end of episode 4, she tests him about her ID picture and asked if it her hair was up or down and what she was wearing. He answers correctly and seeing that he was finally getting through to her, he asks the very thing a flat-earther, taekwondo master, detective would want to hear,

“DO YOU WANT TO SEE FOR YOURSELF? COME WITH ME TO MY WORLD.”

She says yes and when she crosses over that barrier, all the flat-earthing walls she put up to protect herself came crashing down. And when she lands in the Kingdom of Corea to the tune of his guards calling him, “Your Highness,” she finally gets the two things she had asked of him back in episode 2.

“I AM THE KING OF THE KINGDOM OF COREA. AND MY NAME, WHICH YOU CANNOT SAY, IS LEE GON.”

He does have a home. He does have a name. He is a king. This means that everything he ever said was true – including the way he feels for her.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. She can’t have fallen in love with him in one day just because he’s got a home and a name. Honestly though, I’m pretty sure most of us have fallen in love with undeserving men for less than that.

Episode 5 may have been very significant when it came to a shift in her feelings but, things have been brewing beneath the surface since their first meeting. She just put a lid on it because she couldn’t properly identify him and what he was. Now that she has no excuse anymore, standing on his kingdom and even brazenly saying his name aloud, she’s now forced to confront this strange pull that this man has on her. It took her 8 episodes to explore this gravitational pull she has with this man and it is developed in an uneven pace.

Episodes 1 – 4 are slow paced but with a huge amount of screen time. By the 5th episode, their interactions become fast and heavy, but they begin to share less screen time together, making all their moments even more bittersweet up up until the 8th episode when Jeong Tae-eul properly tells him that she loves him.

EPISODE 1

On their first meeting, he hugs her with his eyes wide open. He has pined after her for 25 years. What started out as deep gratitude for his savior had grown into a balm for his lonely existence as a young monarch. He wanted to find her and he did. This is probably why he couldn’t even close his eyes when he embraced her—someone he had searched for for so long was finally in his arms and he didn’t want to miss a minute of it.

EPISODE 2

In the precinct, Jeong Tae-eul continues to interrogate him much to her annoyance but didn’t miss the fact that he said, “I have finally met you.” Her brain tells her this is strange, but obviously, not enough to make her fall. Nevertheless, it got her attention. And his answer will continue to boggle her mind.

“I WAS CURIOUS ABOUT YOU AND I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU A LOT. YOU ALSO LOOK BETTER IN REAL LIFE”

She gets a weird answer, and then a compliment. Her brain latches on to the weird answer and sets aside the compliment. However, the weird answer also suggests the pre-existence of a connection between them that she knows nothing about. This draws her into his mad world.

“THE PROOF IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I CAME FROM THE OTHER WORLD.”

He fixes his steady gaze on her after saying this. The subtext here is, “I came from the other world to find you. I exist now, because of you. And now you’re questioning my existence when you’re at the root of it all.” But of course, all this is lost on JTE. However, she does notice that something more is bubbling beneath his words and his very still form because she then asks,

“WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?”

“HOW ELSE SHOULD I LOOK AT YOU?”

He answers maddeningly. He says this in a teasing manner, breaking his intense eye contact. But even if the manner is meant to irritate her, it also carries another layer of meaning known only to Lee Gon and the audience, “I don’t know any other way to look at you except with awe and love given that I’ve spent the last 25 years searching for your shadow.”

All throughout this episode he drops heart bombs on her one after another, including a proposal/command to marry.

“ARE YOU LEAVING? WHY? DON’T GO. IT TOOK 25 YEARS FOR ME TO MEET YOU. I HOPE TODAY WILL BE A LONG DAY.”

“I HAVEN’T DECIDED YET. I SHOULD HAVE, BUT I POSTPONED IT FOR LATER. I LIKE BEING HERE WITH YOU LIKE THIS.”

“JTE I TAKE YOU TO BE MY WIFE, THE QUEEN. YOU JUST BECAME THE REASON WHY I SHOULD STAY IN THIS WORLD.”

However, she ignores all this, ridicules him, or changes the subject. Also, she behaves this way because she doesn’t seem to have any romantic bone in her body. However, only this one incident seems to have visibly affected her. He plays up the entire issue of tasting food for poison before he eats their chicken dinner and uses it to tell her this:

“THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. BECAUSE YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE, I WAS LESS LONELY FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS.”

For one, imagine being someone’s salvation from a lonely life for 25 years. It was a declaration too heavy and too earnest to dismiss and Jeong Tae-eul stares at him, almost frozen. You can see her lips move so minutely, it would be easy to miss, as if she’s trying to say something, respond or change the subject as she usually does when she’s made uncomfortable by his sudden declarations of affections. But for the first time, she can’t. It is Lee Gon who changes the subject by advertising the chicken he’s eating.

Her inability to dismiss this shows that she listened to him this time. She doesn’t believe his words yet at this point, but something in the way he said them made it hard for her to respond in her usual brusque manner. This stays with her.

Towards the end of the episode, she left Lee Gon standing alone in the middle of her yard, possibly cold and hungry, to grab some chicken and beer with Sin-jae and Eun-sop. However, upon remembering what Lee Gon told her last night, about being the the reason why he hadn’t been too lonely and trying to find a reason to stay in this world, she went back for him. She actually gives up chicken and beer for Lee Gon.

EPISODE 3

Lee Gon’s geeky comparison of Jeong Tae-eul to Zero was beautiful but I’m pretty sure she understood none of it. I understood only half. Having understood none of it, she remains unaffected. His DNA results haven’t been out at this point in time yet so she remains doubtful and issues a challenge for him to take her to his parallel world.

Their walk through the bamboo forest, fruitless of course, irritated her. But three things of significance happened that time. She found out from him that his parents died and that his first duty as king at 8 years old was to bury his father. Just like before, she couldn’t respond to this and it is Lee Gon who changed the subject when her face started showing signs of distress. He doesn’t know it yet, but Jeong Tae-eul’s mother passed away when she was very young so she knew a thing or two about losing a parent. And she just realized that Lee Gon lost both of his.

Being able to put herself in his shoes makes him real person for her, a scary thought for someone who still doesn’t believe anything he says. And because Lee Gon allowed himself to be vulnerable, to be open, with her, it became easy for her to do the same for him.

When he asked her a personal question about why she chose to be a cop, she had actually answered honestly. This event is the 2nd significant event for this episode.

“WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO BECOME A COP? IT’S A DANGEROUS JOB.”

“NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN BE BRAVE. SO I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”

This was probably the first real connection they ever made. It will be later revealed in one of those extended flashback scenes in Episode 4 how they had this actual conversation in the bamboo forest. But as of Episode 3, this detail about one of her most important life choices is revealed by showcasing Jeong Tae-eul and Kang Shin Jae fighting a pack of goons while at work, while the voices of Lee Gon and Jeong Tae-eul having this short conversation are played on screen throughout the fight, as Lee Gon observed them from a distance. This might make him look like a ponce, like a King who would never dirty himself with a street fight. But what this scene shows is how Lee Gon respects her as a soldier, a warrior even.

Now, given that Lee Gon knows why she became a cop and how important it was to her, he had respected her enough to not intrude in her fight, in her work. This is Lee Gon recognizing how capable she was to fight and defend herself, and trusting in her abilities enough to not intervene. And for a woman who prides herself in her strength, this would register in her mind, despite Lee Gon still being a source of annoyance to her at that point.

And lastly, on their way back, he put his coat over her shoulders because in the middle of her frustrated rant earlier about following him on this foolish errand, she said she was cold. This appeared to have touched her quite a bit. She has been helpful to him, yes. But she had also been mocking him, ridiculing him, and doubted him every step of the way. And yet here he was, still being very considerate of her. This also means, he listens to her. How can that not be attractive for any woman? A man who actually listens.

EPISODE 4

“SO THAT’S MY STORY. TELL ME WHAT KIND OF KING YOU ARE. A YOUNG, HANDSOME, AND RICH KING?”

More of their conversation in the bamboo forest is revealed in this episode. This line is significant for both Lee Gon and Jeong Tae-eul. By asking him this question, sincerely, without any trace of sarcasm or ridicule, she opens herself up to the possibility that he has been telling the truth about who he is all this time. She openly acknowledges his identity as a king, for the first time. And if you look at her eyes, they are a little softer now, not as sharp as when they bicker. (Of course, the bickering can be considered foreplay or unresolved sexual tension.) Anyway, this goes without saying that her question was sincere too, in response to his earlier sincerity. She genuinely wanted to know what kind of king he was. Furthermore, she also openly acknowledges his handsomeness. She has eyes, of course she knows. She stated it as an observation. Now, it’s supposed to be a compliment, but she cleverly sandwiched it inside a question, so it doesn’t look she gave it at all. This could very well be a very very mild case, of Jeong Tae-eul flirting. But just a mild one.

Deeper into the episode, we see her in the library, reading up on the existence of a parallel universe. So now, she’s also acknowledging the possibility that he could have been telling the truth about where he lived. So she sits there, trying to learn his world. An episode ago, he sat in the same library, on a chair opposite hers, trying to learn about her world. And then we are treated to a beautiful split screen of Lee Gon, sitting in the same library, but in his world, missing her, not knowing that across the universe, she was doing the same thing. She’s not exactly missing him with the same fervor as he is with her. But she is making leaps in bounds in the romance department here because she is essentially trying to learn more about him. You know when you have a crush on someone who likes Star Trek, and you’ve never seen an episode, you start to look up stuff about it, trying to learn something that is of interest to him so you can have common ground? That’s kind of what she’s doing here. She is trying to understand him. It is ironically at this point where they are farthest from each other, that they were actually becoming closer.

By this time though, all the evidence Jeong Tae-eul has of Lee Gon all point to the fact that he was telling the truth (button, DNA, fingerprint, money bill, disappearing into the bamboo forest from the CCTV). Then the last piece of the puzzle came to her in this episode – her ID card issued on Nov. 11, 2019. So by the time Lee Gon showed up at the end of this episode, she had no excuses left. Everything he told her had been proven true, and all pointed towards an existence beyond her world. She tried to test him one more time by asking what she wore and how her hair looked in her new ID picture. HE answered both correctly in the most tender way possible, because he wasn’t just answering her question. He was reliving every day he had spent staring at her picture for the last 25 years!) Anyway, when he answered both questions correctly, the flat-earther in her was left with no more questions except for the first two that she had ever asked of him. His name. His home. And because he had waited until he had gotten rid of all her other questions save for those two, the moment he asked her,

“DO YOU WANT TO SEE FOR YOURSELF? COME WITH ME TO MY WORLD.”

there really was nothing left to do but to give in to whatever was pulling her to Lee Gon and his world. She wanted to know those answers. She wanted to know him. And of course, the start playing Kim Jong Wan’s “Gravity” in the background. A song about surrendering to an undeniably pull you feel towards someone who is destined for you.

#thekingeternalmonarch #lee gon #jeong tae eul #jung tae eul #kimgoeun #leeminho

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rizzoli-is-queen-of-sarcasm · 5 years ago

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All Danish borders are closed as of today noon 14 March 2020.

Found this interesting article about the Corona/Covid-19, writen by a Danish medical doctor, Iza Alfredsen, Ærø. (For international friends reading it; this represents a Danish perspective with unusually high confidence in government.)

***

COVID-19 has broken out in Denmark. The outbreak is so massive that, contrary to other countries around us, we have given up on containing it. The battle is lost even before the horrors start. We know that we have to slow down the virus. We know that we are going to see more deaths that we can accept. We could maybe accept 6,000. However, if the virus continues at the current rate of infection, the death toll will be even higher. Unacceptably high. Inconceivably high.

STAGE ONE:

At first, all is well. No deaths. It is primarily the “young, rich, and beautiful” who have brought the disease home [from skiing vacations] that are being tested and taken care of by the health authorities – and who report that Corona is “just a cold.” And it is. For the most part. Snot, fever, and a sore throat. On Instagram and Facebook, we can follow a twenty-year-old’s unfair struggle against loneliness under quaranteen. Missing mommy and daddy and the unfairness of having to struggle both against the cold and the urge to drink beer with friends. The struggle against vaginal fungus seems tougher than Corona, and many young people are instigating rebellious anti-movements where they party and gather as a rebellion against the apocalyptic prophecies (those old assholes like me who have read books and not had an honest chlamydia infection in years). That was stage one.

STAGE TWO:

This week, we are entering stage two. We assume everyone who has a fever and a cold has Corona. And if they are otherwise reasonably normally intelligent and immuno-competent, then they are asked to stay at home and take care of their fever and snot, and otherwise stay indoors. It works fine in rural Denmark. But, the tabloid news papers are flooded by the Capitalist elite, that cannot cope with having a runny nose and not get tested. Be different! Wipe your nose, watch Netflix, stay away from others. Don’t go out among others until you have recovered. Actually, wait until 3-4 days after you have recovered. It is not because the health authorities not would like to send you a packet of kleenex and determine precisely the cause of the runny nose. It is because others are dying from what you are perceiving as annoying. Fever is annoying. Coughing is annoying. Snot is annoying. But, if you are young and healthy, the risk of getting severely ill from Corona is comparable to that of the Flu. Endure.

Everyone will get Corona, but we hope and pray for two things:

– that the number of ill does not exceed the capacify of the health care system; and

– that the really ill do not contract Corona before we have an effective cure.

The third hope is the vaccine.

The second stage is uncomfortable. Many will experience fever, coughing, snot, and general discomfort. One worries. Will I survive? If you are young, below 65, and otherwise fit, the answer is yes. Just as likely that you would survive a case of the Flu. The statistics are on your side. The numbers are working for you.

STAGE THREE:

Here, we, the health care personnel, and the patients will face hell before the onset of death. The time for stage three is soon. Two weeks after we reach 5,000 infected, we hit the abyss.

There are no more intensive care vacancies. Every day, we remove people who we would otherwise have saved from the respirators, because of the sheer number of people arriving. So many, so fast. Prioritization (the most important medical competence: who should we kick out) becomes number one. We put people to die just because their survival chances are a mere 25%, but the new ones arriving have a 50% chance. We sedate them a bit. It is very uncomfortable to suffocate in ones own secretion fluids.

But more are pouring in. Patients in the emergency units are beginning to remove their facial masks, they receive upon arrival, because they can’t breathe. They have been there for hours. Some for days. They have seen people collapse on the floor. Without anyone coming to help. There are no doctors. 20% have Corona and the numbers are rapidly increasing.There are no more facial masks for the medical personnel, so we go to work every day carrying the risk. A few infected patients fight their way to the uninfected unit, desperate for help. There, where infected cannot go. There lies traffic accident victims with open wounds, children with astma, and young people with appendicitis. And some of them will die. The twenty-year-old woman with the inflamed appendicitis. It burst without anyone noticing. All doctors were busy with those who were even more ill. But now it is too late. She has bacteries in the blood and there are no one to operate. She receives anti-biotics, but the intestines have stopped. Finally, she gets operated on, but can’t come out of the respirator again. She ought to. But it’s too late, because she contracts Corona in the chaos and Corona preys on the weak. And today that was her. Before hell broke loose, no one would have imagined it possible to die from appendicitis at the age of 20. But today is not any day. All illnesses one curable now carry a high death toll. But it gets worse. 40% of the doctors are now infected. And the ill are arriving so fast. At a nursery, 40 out of 66 residents have died from Corona. But they weren’t admitted, because there wasn’t room and it was hopeless. They were left dead for a week, before there was capacity to remove them. The smell on that warm morning in May 2020 was unbearable. So many, so fast. Two doctors have committed suicide. That is rather common for doctors, but two from the same unit is more than we are used to. The nurses are at 50% infected. They have closer contact with the patients. Everything is chaos. A few doctors and nurses have collapsed under the pressure. They are being put into the linen deposits to sleep. After two or three months it dies out. As sudden as it all started. 75,000 dead.

DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THIS?

No. The Prime Minister gave us a unique opportunity to stop it. A unique opportunity to stand together, each of us. In a safe Corona distance of two meters. Most of Denmark have shut down. And life cannot continue as before. Nothing is as before!

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

We need to obey. Say “yes sir.” And take orders. It is estimated that the curve we are entering is too steep. It rises so fast, that we in no time will consume all available resources in the health sector, if it continues. The country does not shut down for two weeks because we are scared of a couple of hundred deaths and a snotty cold. The collapse of the entire health care system and the ordered conditions we have in Denmark are right around the corner. Number crunchers are calculating how much infection we can cope with (because we cannot stop it) over the course of a week, how much we need to shut down in order to achieve a slow down, that will yield just enough to make us make it. The guestimation landed on a total shut down of the public sector exceping safety-critical functions, a recommendation to stay at home, hasty legislation on increased mandates to uphold quaranteens, and, not least, the recommendation to stay at home.

Translated this means that in three weeks we will be in so much trouble that a twenty-year-old will die from appendicitis or a swollen finger, if we don’t obey. Not to mention all the cancer patients who will lack treatment. The ill children that will suffer.

We have to listen. Now.

And we are told: stay indoors. Avoid gatherings. Stay calm.

If all this Corona is too hard to understand, then memorize: Listen to the authorities.

STAY AT HOME

Even if you feel like visiting your friends, so that you can have a beer and discuss how wildly exaggerated all of this is, don’t. You can cause a chain of infection. You are young. You will live. But, you will contribute to many people suffering. Even if it only happens in three weeks. So, be responsible. Stay at home. Clean your halo. Play Counter-Strike or FIFA. It is healthy. Find fun things to do without visiting each other physically. Limit encounters with others. If you have to, go shopping at odd hours or order food online. It is almost like Robinson. Survive. Alone. But, with Netflix and modern toilets.

WASH HANDS, APPLY ANTI-BACTERIAL GEL, AND RELAX

If you do this, you have done what you could to contribute. Be introvert. Learn to avoid the attempts of contact from others. I, for one, hate when people want to hug. Normally, I just put out my hand, but in these Corona-times, I would consider a round-house kick, if someone initiated those kind of greetings. Ew.

YOUR PARENTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WORK

Stay at home with your family. Your parents are in the risk group. They should get into the first wave of infected. Spare them. And if you get layed off by your work? Then they are fools.

GO TO WORK

IF, you are part of safety-critical personnel, then, yes, it is your damned duty to come to work and contribute what you are able to. There are advantages and disadvantages for everything. While all others are at home, I sit and read directions from the authorities and are in phone conferences. These are hours I will never get back. And there is a risk by doing nothing about the Corona apocalypse. But, it is not so high, if you are under 65.

CANCEL EVERYTHING

Parties, family dinners, football practise, walks in the city. No. Just no. The curve is too steep. We have ONE chance. Cease it.

ORDER ONLINE

Easy, convenient, and breaks the chain of infection.

KEEP DISTANCE. SHOW CONSIDERATION

Put a note under the door of the old person living next to you. Should I shop for you? Help your friends who have contracted a cold to get the right amount of sympathy. Via the phone!

USE MEDICAL SERVICES CORRECTLY

Do not call upon the medical services, if you are neurotic about Corona and your runny nose; call your friend instead. You probably have Corona, but your doctor has other things to do. Everybody has a runny nose. Call if you are ill or have serious illness and have concerns. Do not use the doctor-on-call servicesas your personal psychologist who can help you endure a runny nose, sore throat, or joint aches. The health services are mustering and focussing on the really ill.

THE END

We write the end ourselves. What we are doing right now will be what we will harvest in two weeks and the deaths are in three. Choose wisely. Be heroic. It is the time for heroism. Never before. It is us between 15 and 50 who are propulsing the infection. We have a responsibility to stop it. Even if it does not hit us so hard, it will hammer the ill and old. Be the one who socially responsibly declines social gatherings. Be the one who obeys. Use social media. Spread the message. Start the wave now.

Even if I don’t know the end and can only see the contours, I will say “Never. Never. Again.”

Next time, we will have the experience. It is now that we are writing history. And we will. From today.

***

[I didn’t agree with the derogatory references to the “young, rich, and beautiful” or “capital elite”, and didn’t like the oversimplicity word “number crunchers”, but I found it exceptionally well written.]

#pandemic #coronavirusDK #covid 19 #Danish #Denmark

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whatisonthemoonarchive · 5 years ago

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Rev. Chung Hwan Kwak’s letter (April 22, 2020) Letter to Blessed families, brothers and sisters of the Unification Movement

Beloved Blessed families, brothers and sisters, I hope that God’s love and divine protection may always be with you and your families. As we celebrate Reverend Sun Myung Moon, True Father’s 100th birthday in 2020, I pray the unique experiences and moments you had with Father on earth can feel even more alive and become the catalyst and motivation for your lives. Today, I am sending what could be my last letter to you with a very desperate heart. At this moment, I can’t merely stand by looking at the sad situation our Unification Movement is in. Especially when I think of how today True Father’s lifelong achievements for the realization of God’s peaceful ideal world should be shining the brightest and when the providential movement he led should be bearing its best fruit. After much thought and consideration, I decided to write this letter. Last spring, on the occasion of the 7th anniversary of True Father’s Seonghwa, I published my book Truth Shall Prevail after a decade of silence. Throughout the entire writing process I was overtaken by a longing for Father and felt sorry towards him. In that book, I testified to the kind of person that True Father was from the perspective of someone who experienced him at the closest position for over 50 years. Furthermore, the book serves as a truthful historical and factual record of the situation I witnessed amid the confusion that took place in the Unification Movement for the last 10 years. When I heard that many Blessed family members were able to open their eyes to the truth and gained the courage to start over again through reading that book, I sincerely prayed that the book can serve to comfort Father and that it may become a light that guides the Unification Movement in the right direction. Meanwhile, around that time last year I participated in the centennial commemorative celebration of the March 1st movement at the plaza in front of the National Assembly building. I was moved beyond words. One Japanese female NGO activist went on stage and shouted out that she made it this far because she was fascinated by Dr. Hyun Jin Moon’s “Korean Dream”. I could not but feel a surge of excitement. Hyun Jin Nim’s masterful and eloquent speech in front of the National Assembly moved all the honorable guests, including the mayor of Seoul, Won-soon Park. During the event that was being broadcast live nationally, I tried not to get choked up every time I saw Hyun Jin Nim’s image appear on the stage on screen. All I could think of was how happy Father would have been were he alive and watching this scene. Last summer, my wife and the families of my children participated in the Special Blessing Ceremony for the Foundation of Cheon Il Guk officiated by Hyun Jin Nim. We received the great blessing of being able to engraft onto the True Family once again. As our true Abel and elder brother, Hyun Jin Nim forgave the Blessed families that had deserted and persecuted him. He offered this opportunity for Blessed families to participate in that Blessing ceremony, with the hope that they will repent, return, and reconnect to the True Family to walk the path as owners of Cheon Il Guk. This Special Blessing Ceremony for the Foundation of Cheon Il Guk is not a one-off Blessing ceremony event, but rather a process that all Blessed families must go through to atone for their mistakes. Although I can’t explain the entire meaning of it in this letter, I believe you should know that it is of grave providential importance. Last winter there was a very happy occasion in Hyun Jin Nim’s family. One of Hyun Jin Nim’s daughters received the holy wedding with her parents as officiators of the ceremony. In no time, four of Hyun Jin Nim’s nine children established a 3-generation True Family. The day after the holy wedding a group of First and Second-Generation grooms and brides participated in a joint Blessing ceremony with Hyun Jin Nim’s couple as the officiators. Three of my grandchildren also received the Blessing that day. I feel incredible hope seeing Hyun Jin Nim wholly inherit and develop the core mission that Father carried on, advancing internal and external goals abiding by God’s providential standard and the Principle. Considering all the hardship endured over the last 10 years and the situations that took place behind the scenes, it is truly moving and one can only shed tears of gratitude and be thankful to Heaven to see Hyun Jin Nim’s family settle as it has. Overcoming this sacrificial process Hyun Jin Nim’s entire family set the most exemplary precedent and tradition of the True Family before Heaven. Not only that, he also forgave Blessed families and opened the path for them to reconnect to God’s Will and the providence; externally he lay the great foundation of our providential movement for South Korea and the world. Isn’t this the biggest consolation and hope for True Father as he enters his 100th birthday? If there are those among you who are truly concerned for Hyun Jin Nim and are offering jungsung for him, I ask that you have a little bit more courage and approach Hyun Jin Nim’s public letters, prayers, or his official books, such as “Realizing God’s Dream” or “Korean Dream”. Taking it one step further, I earnestly ask you to please check for yourselves directly the type of work he has been doing and the type of life that Hyun Jin Nim has been leading. We used to tell those who unilaterally opposed Father that if they wanted to know who Reverend Sun Myung Moon was, they should go and see for themselves the work that he did. Likewise, if you want to really know what kind of person Hyun Jin Nim is, you will find the answer in the work that he does and the life that he leads. Blessed families, brothers and sisters, Because we are celebrating the 100th birthday and 8th anniversary of True Father’s Seonghwa this year, I see this period as one of great providential transformation. Though the confusion within the Unification Movement reached a climax, from this year it will begin to correct itself faster than you can anticipate. The calls for self-purification will not be heard from Heaven but from earth. That’s because Blessed families who want to protect God’s will and True Father’s achievements will resolutely stand up and their spirit will spread like wildfire. For me, more than anything else, I believe in the removal of all false figures cast upon True Father’s fundamental teachings and great lifetime achievements, so that their original true worth may be shown to the world; and thereby opening a new era that can inspire courage and hope in all people. Hyun Jin Nim will be standing at the forefront of that effort with righteous and determined Blessed families participating together. Some day, as if by fate, the entire Unification Movement will follow the path that they opened for us. If you have properly perceived the big picture of this providential moment—even though we see all sorts of regrettable content one after the other coming from some parts of the Unification Movement today—you will not need to feel disappointment or despair. It’s the phenomenon of disgusting pus oozing and exploding from all the sores and abscesses that the Unification Movement suffered from for a long time. But it’s also a hopeful sign that new skin will grow. This is a process by which the providence is corrected; truth and lies are determined; and Principled and unprincipled acts are clearly differentiated. Therefore, we must move forward with the mentality that we will be the ones to take responsibility over this problem, discerning that which is right and wrong from a principled perspective and from the viewpoint of God’s will and providence. That is what True Father expected of us—it’s the 5% portion of responsibility given to each and every one of us. And it cannot but be the final responsibility of our elder Blessed family members who are entering the final stage of their lives on earth. I recently heard the news that Mother did away with the “Family Federation” and started a new “Heavenly Parents Church”. I see this phenomenon as a clear separation of that which is true and that which is false at the final moment. Looking just at this latest direction from Mother, it is evident that she completely left Father and is walking down a road that goes against God’s providence. Brothers and sisters, how was the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification born and what was the mission of that providential organization? The founding of the Family Federation was considered a great providential shift, so how did the providence change before and after its founding? Did True Father’s passing signify the end of the need for the Family Federation? If we answer these questions correctly, we will understand how Mother’s decision to go on with her “Heavenly Parents Church” is counter-providential. After going through a period of indemnity for 40 years, True Father opened the era of the Completed Testament Age. As the first International President, I remember clearly that Father was so deeply moved when he founded the Family Federation that he took the lead in the preparation for the founding of this providential organization. The reason Father was so moved was not because he established another providential organization among many. It’s because the providential moment for Father to walk the original path that he was supposed to walk as the Messiah, Lord of the Second Coming, True Parent had finally begun after 40 years. The launching of the Family Federation represented the great providential transition from the era of the providence of restoration to the era of the Completed Testament Age: The establishment of a peaceful ideal world centered on God’s ideal family. In other words, it meant the beginning of creating a world of one family under God. More precisely, with the settlement of the True Family, which carries God’s original lineage, all of humanity would engraft on to that True Family and become God’s children of goodness and lineage through the Blessing movement. And the expansion of that Blessing movement would lead to the realization of God’s ideal world. The most important mission that the Family Federation had at that significant turning point of the providence was the Settlement of the True Parents and the True Family, which are the root of God’s providential Movement. In order for the True Family to settle centered on the True Parents, not only do the Three Great Kingships and the Four Great Realms of Heart have to be secured, but the standard of uniting the Cain-type and Abel-type realms has to be achieved. True Father did not desire succession by an institutionalized church system as exists in established religious entities for future generations. As Father tended to ask: If Jesus had direct descendants, would he have bequeathed his crown to his disciples? Father desired for the son that he publicly recognized to inherit the same authority Father held and to continue his messianic mission. In order to set that order and tradition, after recognizing Hyun Jin Nim in 1998, Father announced the Era of Father-Son Cooperation. Father said that in the future even Mother should follow the son that Father recognized then. Not only that, but the Blessed families representing the worldwide Cain-type realm have to become one with the realm of the True Children, especially with the elder son recognized by Father, thereby uniting the Cain-Abel realms. The condition of that Cain-Abel unity is necessary for the Settlement of the True Family, and it is on that basis that Foundation Day can be proclaimed. One other important mission the Family Federation was supposed to achieve was the awakening of humankind’s universal spirituality through the Blessing movement. It was supposed to fulfill the role of educating and guiding people starting from each individual family so that each family could establish a God-centered family fulfilling each family member’s individual portion of responsibility, thereby leading to the expansion of that cultural realm from the tribal level to the nation and to the world. In order to open the providential era prior to the Family Federation, True Father announced the establishment of the Family Pledge on May 1, 1994, he opened the era in which we could report (pray) in our own names, and established the Hoondok tradition. These were radical measures announced by Father one after the other. All of these measures were intimately connected and were meant to be for human beings, who had restored the original parent-child relationship that was intended at Creation, to fulfill their portion of responsibility at the basic family level in the Completed Testament Age. These were traditions that were absolutely necessary to substantially establish God’s ultimate sovereignty on this earth. At the time, as I was honoring True Father’s words, I wondered whether the people leading the Family Federation truly understood the significance of the great providential transition that had taken place. And I could not but seriously question whether they fully carried out their public responsibility and mission. Because if they had properly understood and honored True Father’s will, there would not be the confusion that exists today. Since I was in charge of the Family Federation at the time, I am by no means free from this responsibility. Although externally the Family Federation carried out a variety of activities and increased the number of Blessed families, they only acted as the “Family Federation” in name—leaders desired it to settle as just any other church. The gravest mistake they made was to divinize True Parents and repeat the error that Christianity made towards Jesus. The leaders went as far as to absolutize True Parents and use that concept as a way to maintain their own authority. They made a false framework that ‘any order given from True Parents must absolutely be followed since True Parents are one in body and spirit and are omniscient,’ and took advantage of it treating members like ignorant masses to be exploited. And they especially used this mentality to drive out Hyun Jin Nim, who was their biggest threat. After True Father passed onto spirit world, the leaders propagated the idea that Mother could communicate with Father—asking questions and receiving answers—and that Father and Mother were always connected as one, to make members blindly follow any direction that came from Mother’s mouth. The messiah is a human being and is not a being that knows everything. As a person advances in age normal bodily functions weaken, eventually growing old and sick. It is also the case with one’s mental state. True Father was not an exception to human aging. Because Father was well aware of this point it is said that he told Hyun Jin Nim around 2007 that, “there will come a time when Father is like a child,” and therefore, when that time comes you (Hyun Jin Nim) should go on and take responsibility over everything. The FFWPU leadership promoted that Mother was completely united with Father, and even Mother spoke as if she was asking questions and receiving answers from God Himself. Such claims are completely contrary to the Principle and are a mockery and insult to both God and Father. One can know whether Mother is united with Father, or whether she is one with God’s will by looking at her words and actions. If the leaders really had confidence on this point they would not have promoted it heavily the way they did; and even if Mother didn’t say that she communicated with God and received answers, people would naturally have followed Mother and they would have testified to her being one with God and Father. Although Hyun Jin Nim attempted to reform the Family Federation numerous times after being inaugurated as International Vice-President in 1998, he repeatedly faced opposition and had to experience frustration and setbacks. At one point in 2009, the FFWPU leadership even attempted to drive him away from the Unification Movement—to leave him out in the wilderness. The sin that these FFWPU leaders falsely blamed upon Hyun Jin Nim was that he was a son who disobeyed Father’s direction and that he was a thief who stole public assets. The truly ironic thing is that as these leaders blamed and criticized Hyun Jin Nim, the people of the world recognized Dr. Hyun Jin Moon as the person who fully inherited Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s will and continued on his work. They evaluated Hyun Jin Nim as the person who achieved incredible results to advance Father’s work. I want to sincerely ask you: Who is the person that inherited Father’s authority? And who really usurped Father’s foundation? Who is the person that is truly realizing Father’s will in this era? On December 2, 2017, Hyun Jin Nim inaugurated the Family Peace Association (FPA). Because the Family Federation had strayed from its original mission and it was no longer possible to work with that vehicle, Hyun Jin Nim made this determination. At the inaugural speech of FPA, he said, “for me personally, this inauguration expresses my commitment to continuing my father’s lifelong work.” Today, 3 years after the founding of FPA—considering that Mother is throwing away the Family Federation and changing to her new “Heavenly Parents Church” that has no relevance with the providence—one cannot but be amazed at the mysterious ways in which God’s providence works and at Hyun Jin Nim’s incredible foresight. For members being forced to change their faith onto the Heavenly Parents Church, which is like a spiritual death sentence, the Family Peace Association founded by Hyun Jin Nim is like a lifeboat that came to the rescue. After True Father’s Seonghwa ceremony, Mother changed and eliminated many things he established. Mother changed and distorted the Eight Great Textbooks that Father directly canonized. And she made the Cheon Il Guk constitution as if they were laws of a particular religion, instead of upholding Father’s desire to complete a proper constitution based on the Family Pledge. And there are other examples in which she eliminated Father’s precious achievements overnight. Mother went as far as changing her own identity. In all of human history she was the most precious being because True Father went through a course to re-create her to become True Mother. But she threw away the status of True Mother and reappeared with a new name as the “only begotten daughter”. Now she claims that she is a being that was born without original sin for the first time in 6000 years, and that she knew the Principle without receiving education from anyone. Mother’s assertions are in direct contradiction and opposition to True Father’s teaching that the messiah, who comes as completed Adam, finds and selects a woman among fallen women, and receives her as a bride. Mother’s claims completely turn against Father’s teaching that, “God invested His 100% to create Adam, and Adam invests his 100% to create Eve.” I gave Principle lectures in person to Mother during the beginning of Parents’ holy wedding period, and upon Mother’s request I even gave her documents with a summary of the main points of the Principle. Knowing this, I truly have no way of understanding how Mother could make such false and unprincipled claims. Taking it a step even further from claiming herself to be the “only begotten daughter”, Mother changed the designation of God to “Heavenly Parents”. Some may say this is not a problem because it looks like an expression of God as our Parent. However, it is actually a claim of dualism that shakes the very foundation of the monotheistic view of God that comes from the Judeo-Christian line of faith. It also stems from ignorance and from not properly understanding God’s original state explained both in the Divine Principle and in Unification Thought. The term “Heavenly Parent” occasionally appears in The Sermons of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. But, the term “Heavenly Parent” that appears in The Sermons is more of an expression used to emphasize the heartistic relationship between God and humanity. Its meaning is completely different from the “Heavenly Parents” that is mentioned in Mother’s autobiography or in FFWPU memos. Furthermore, according to “The Principle of Creation” in the Exposition of the Divine Principle, God is defined as “the Subject in whom the dual characteristics of original internal nature and original external form are in harmony. At the same time, God is the harmonious union of masculinity and femininity, which manifest the qualities of original internal nature and original external form, respectively.” In this definition the original internal nature and original external form are the primary characteristics, and the masculine and feminine aspects are His attributes, according to the Principle and Unification Thought. What ultimately remains is God as a “Subject with dual characteristics in harmony.” As such, the proper definition of God is that of a subject with dual characteristics in harmony (neutral), so why is Mother obsessing with the attributes of masculinity and femininity which are not even the primary characteristics? The reason for that is because of the influence of feminism over Mother. This can be understood from what is written in the Introduction of her new autobiography. Trying to understand God from the theological perspective of a radical feminist, the only thing they can see is the part that talks about God’s attributes regarding His ‘dual characteristics of masculinity and femininity’. This only goes to show how Mother and those around her are ignorant regarding the Principle or the history of the providence. “However, due to the fall of human ancestors the ideal of creation of the Heavenly Parents was prolonged, and, a male-centric history proceeded centered on God’s masculinity as Heavenly Father instead of the status of Heavenly Parents. Hellenism and Hebraism, which formed the foundation of Western civilization, advanced a strictly male-centric history. Therefore, the status of Heavenly Mother which is God’s femininity was concealed, and God could not become Heavenly Parents. The reason the feminist movement that detonated in the West degenerated into a mere revolutionary movement of resistance against the rule of men is also related to God’s ontological status.” - “Mother of peace”, Introduction – This time, when Mother announced that they would no longer be the Family Federation, and that they were adopting a new identity and name as the Heavenly Parents Church, I wondered what providential pretext would be offered to justify it. According to the public notice issued on April 4th, 2020, by the FFWPU, it stated that, “Because [we are] in a position to embrace all 7.7 billion people around the world, we are no longer the Unification Church and we are no longer the Family Federation. We are changing the name to the Heavenly Parents Church.” These words reveal Mother’s low level of understanding of the Principle and her view of the providence. Because the world can’t be embraced through the Family Federation, she will create an even more narrow church denomination to do that? What kind of nonsensical claim is this? Her words mean that the Family Federation isn’t good enough to embrace the whole world, then isn’t that saying that Father created a providential organization that is limited? It is truly hard to agree with her claims. And that is because as he officially inaugurated the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification in 1996 and 1997, True Father internationally and interreligiously opened the doors wide for the Blessing so that all the 7.7 billion people of the world would be able to participate in it. Father even proclaimed the cosmic universalization of the Blessing, thereby allowing spirits in spirit world to also participate in the Blessing; he expanded the Blessing providence even more so that people could participate within the realm of the grace of the Blessing depending on a person’s stage in the cycle of life, whether it be in a rebirth ceremony (in the womb, newborn), or a resurrection ceremony (adolescence), or an eternal life ceremony (elderly age). The Heavenly Parents Church has no providential justification. So, I considered why Mother is trying to create this church from another perspective. Could it be that it’s because in Mother’s mind the only thing that exists are the True Parents, and there is no concept of the True Family? I have frequently heard Mother’s speeches and it has been a long time since I heard her say the word “True Family”. She only emphasizes submission and obedience to Parents. But, one time Hyun Jin Nim said something that is in contrast with Mother. At the 50th True God’s Day anniversary Hyun Jin Nim said, “There can be no True Parents if there are no True Children.” At the celebration of True Father’s 100th birthday, Hyun Jin Nim said that True Father’s greatest achievement was establishing the True Family on earth, and that the most important providential institution in God’s providence is True Family. He said that the Blessing does not come from any church, but that it comes from the True Family. Both the Family Federation and the Family Peace Association live by the motto that a peaceful ideal world can be realized and all of humanity can live with God as the Parent of humankind by establishing an ideal family of God, that is a God-centered family. Without creating the basis for the Three Great Kingships and the Four Great Realms of Heart centered on the True Family, God cannot dwell at the center of that family as the Parent. By ignoring the basic notions of the Principle of Creation and demanding that we only worship True Parents, Mother herself is tearing down the foundation of the True Children who should be able to reach the position of True Parents. Isn’t that what her claims mean? If Mother truly desired to embrace the 7.7 billion people of the world, instead of isolating herself by creating the Heavenly Parents Church, she should return to the path of establishing a True Family where God would want to visit and dwell in. If Mother returns to the position of God’s true daughter, Father’s true wife, Children’s true mother, then all humanity and the entire spirit world will serve and love Mother as the True Mother. Concluding remarks – The key that opens the door to Heaven, the Three Great Kingships and the Four Position Foundation in the True Family, the Vertical Axial Line Beloved Blessed families, brothers and sisters, Humanity was born with original sin and, as if by fate, we cannot alone remove ourselves from Satan’s false love, false life, and false lineage. As such, humanity can only become part of God’s family by engrafting onto the Tree of Life which is the Three Great Kingships and the Four Position Foundation of the True Family. When Mother gave birth to Ye Jin Nim, True Father told Blessed families, “Through the very small condition of participating in Mother’s labor pains, Blessed families go back into the position of being in the womb and are as if reborn as twins with the True Children.” And that is why Blessed families have the tradition to attend and call the True Children as our elder brothers and sisters, regardless of age. For the last 10 years or so, the relationship between Blessed families and the “original lineage” of True Family and True Children—which are the root of God’s true life, true love, and true lineage—has been disconnected by the words and actions of so-called “church leaders” surrounding Mother. I heard that instead of “succession by lineage,” they are calling it “succession by an institutionalized church system”. Although Blessed families had the special privilege of receiving True Father’s grace through the Family Pledge to be “Owners of Cheon Il Guk”, “to represent and become central to heaven and earth”, “to become a family that moves heavenly fortune”, and to be “a family that conveys Heaven's blessing to our community”, we must not forget the 7th verse of the Family Pledge which establishes the prerequisite of being a family that connects with the “original lineage”. There is no doubt that the “original lineage” refers to the vertical axial line of the Three Great Kingships and Four Position Foundation of the True Family, which is the Tree of Life. On August 13, 2012, True Father offered his “final report” to God putting all of his jungsung and soul and body. In this report True Father earnestly and desperately asked that all Blessed families attend the True Family’s True Children at the center and fulfill their duties as tribal messiahs, so that the substantial Cheon Il Guk could be offered up to God. But our Blessed families and members are forgetting True Father’s “final report”. The last providential event True Father participated while on earth was titled the “Proclamation of the Word of the True Body through the Cosmic Assembly for the Firm Settlement of the True Parents of Heaven, Earth and Humankind.” In the last part of True Father’s public speech in this event he said that the Eight Great Textbooks are gifts that he is giving to humanity, and they are his will (as in, final wish before passing away). True Father asked us to continue forward centered on these words until Cheon Il Guk is established. Among the Eight Great Textbooks, three of them are especially designated as sacred texts; these are the “Cheon Seong Gyeong, Peace Messages, and the Family Pledge”. Father gave a clear and dire warning that, “These three volumes are sacred texts and they are Heaven’s constitution; therefore, you should not change even one letter.” Yet, despite Father’s strong words, Mother and those leaders surrounding her were hatching a plan to dismantle and change the content of the Eight Great Textbooks as True Father was lying on his deathbed before passing onto spirit world. The result of that scheme is Mother’s so-called “Cheon Il Guk scriptures” which includes Mother’s version of the “Cheon Seong Gyeong, Peace Messages, and Chambumo Gyeong”. Even after witnessing what Mother and leaders had done, the Blessed families and members stood by idly, keeping their mouths shut. But I heard that in the upcoming 60th Anniversary of True Parents Holy Wedding, Mother and leaders are going to publish a new version of the “Chambumo Gyeong” that contains additional unprincipled and counter-providential content proclaiming the “only begotten daughter,” among other claims. Are we just going to stand by and look the other way, even as they continuously dismantle, damage, and doctor the words of the Eight Great Textbooks? True Father left all the tangible and intangible providential foundation, along with the title of “Owner of Cheon Il Guk”, for Blessed families to inherit. The ownership of the Eight Great Textbooks belongs to no one other than the “Owners of Cheon Il Guk,” that is, you, the Blessed families. These Texts are God and True Father’s “final gift and will” that he is giving to Blessed families and to humanity. For how much longer will we, Blessed Families, be relinquishing our responsibility and right as owners? Mother and the “church” leaders have been destroying and selling away the providential foundation and holy grounds established by True Father. What kind of place was the Su-Taek-Ri Central Training Center? It’s the very place where the providence for the International Victory Over Communism started, as well as being the main place where matchings for Blessings took place. It was also the birth place of providential and Principle education that would lead to world peace and new life. They sold that place and put up apartments there. Mother and these leaders have changed the names of all the main providential institutions that True Father founded while he was alive, adding the words “HJ, Hyo-jeong, Magnolia” to them. Are there Blessed family members that are still unaware those words and letters are the English initials of Mother’s name? They are the symbolic representation of Mother, Hak Ja Han. Now, they have changed the name of the “Family Federation” to “Heavenly Parents Church”. The Family Federation was supposed to be a providential organization that would substantially realize Cheon Il Guk on earth during the Completed Testament Age. But instead, this has been changed to the “Heavenly Parents Church”; a name which seems to come right from the Old or New Testament during the age of the providence of restoration through indemnity. Mother and the “church” leaders surrounding her are now advancing their new “Heavenly Parents Church” with content that is female-centric, only-begotten-daughter-centric, and radically feminist. Even as they live in the “Completed Testament Age” where they should be substantiating the original ideal of creation, they are going in the opposite direction. Through their actions they are dragging parts of the Unification Movement and Blessed families back to the era of the Old and New Testaments—an era in which we need salvation from Satan and from sins. By doing so they have put Blessed families back in a position as if they had fallen again. Blessed families, brothers and sisters! We are now at a crossroads where we must make a final decision and determination. Will it be True Father, or the only begotten daughter? Is it God’s true love, true life, and true lineage, or is it Satan’s false love, false life, and false lineage? Is it the Principle, or is it unprincipled? Is it the path of the providence or is it counter-providential? Will you choose life or will you choose death? Will you be an owner of Cheon Il Guk, or will you be a fallen servant? We no longer have the leisure to hesitate. Blessed families, brothers and sisters, I conclude this letter hoping that God and True Father will be happy by the choice you make.

April 22, 2020 Chung Hwan Kwak

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yobaba30 · 5 years ago

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Brace yourself, dear reader, for today’s topic is rage. Not just any garden-variety rage, but its narcissistic kind, one of the darkest and most destructive manifestations of our Shadow.

A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface, sometimes hovering above it in the form of sadistic cruelties dispensed casually without specific reason, just because (that stupid dog was in my way, you are so fat and ugly, only idiots park their cars in this spot, and no one talks to me like that — any or no reason would do). There are, however, solid enough explanations of its existence.

You may have heard of Donald Trump’s very bad day the other Tuesday — or rather what would have been a very bad day for any normal person / presidential candidate confronted with his inaccuracies and lies. For Donald, however, it was just Tuesday as usual, complete with playing the Perpetual Victim™ of the Cruel and Unforgiving Press, and humiliating people who dared to question him about these pesky things known as facts.

The sordid as usual spectacle was instructive, as is everything else coming from the man, in the dynamics of narcissistic pathology.

First, the bombast. His over-the-top pronouncements about his huuuge charitable efforts are meant to shock and awe the audience into unquestioning submission.

Second, should any audience member retain his or her bearings and still manage to persist in their questioning, next comes the unloading of the massive victimhood complex designed to cow them into silence filled, presumably, with commiseration and appreciation for the Put Upon Donny and His Unique Suffering (and, oh, how he suffers! only a narcissist can suffer so — you mere mortals / losers cannot possibly comprehend it).

Third — since, remarkably enough, the first two options did not quite work, a sign perhaps that some of the press members are growing spines — there followed a predictable, but still shocking, dose of sadism in the form of insults, direct and less so, meant to shut everyone up for good.

It is instructive to watch The Donald, who epitomizes dishonesty and sleaze, rage at the reporters for being “dishonest” and call them sleazy — for trying to extract some honesty and truth from him. He shames them — or futilely attempts to, given that his moral standing is non-existent and reality is decidedly not on his side — with the ease and force that indicates the extent of his own fear of shame.

This sequelae, seen above, in response to shame is classic for any narcissist, especially one of this extreme caliber, for very obvious reasons:

The narcissist tends to be very sensitive to shame, which he perceives as humiliation: a blow to his ego (sense of self) and/or a threat to what he sees as his important status compared to others. This sensitivity is the reason why he tends to lash out at those who shame or appear to shame him in any way. His reactions to shame are grossly disproportionate to the “offense;” he will hold grudges and seek revenge sometimes till death, his own or his “offender’s,” whichever comes first. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.

Shame is so difficult for a narcissist to tolerate because it arises from an exposure of some flaw of his to others. He has many serious shortcomings; but in his own eyes he is perfect and surpasses everyone else, as he will let you know time and again, directly and not. He must retain this grandiose delusion of superiority and perfection at all costs because this is all he has. His bigger than life persona hides an empty inner core, devoid of meaningful values and attachments. A prick of shame exposing any flaws in the narcissist’s façade has a potential of deflating it and effectively destroying him since there is nothing of substance to fall back on within his inner world.

The rage with which a narcissist reacts to shame or humiliation thus deflects attention from his inner emptiness. That rage is often a predominant emotion, particularly in a narcissist who feels chronically deprived of the admiration and perks he believes he deserves (and as his need for admiration and perks is bottomless, so then is his sense of deprivation). It does not take much to provoke it: a simple, neutral observation or a request can suddenly unleash it on an unsuspecting victim.

The vehement defense against shame is also another reason why a narcissist never takes responsibility for his behavior. Why should he anyway, when he’s perfect and does no wrong? Nothing is ever his fault, no matter how great a mess he creates. Responsibility is always projected outwards, onto others, as blame. Admitting his culpability in anything could lead to shame and cracks in the false façade that defines his character — and his ego won’t allow that. It is a matter of life and death, ‘psychically’ speaking.

The flip side of his shame intolerance is his desire to humiliate others. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. He derives pleasure from inflicting on others the kind of pain he himself wants to avoid at all costs. Humiliating other people is almost as satisfying as winning. It helps that the two often go together in the narcissist’s life. In fact, humiliating others is itself a win. And he likes to win.

What we have seen in Donald’s behavior was a relatively mild version of narcissistic aggression in response to shame, but it gives us a glimpse of what’s beneath it. We are still in the wooing phase, and Donald is, believe it or not, on his best behavior.

He is still The Charming Donald (or what passes for charming in Trumpland), trying to curry our favor and votes. If he makes it into the White House, then we will get to know his true self, unhampered by all these frivolous niceties.

We must appreciate the often sadistic and always revealing quality of insults dished out by The Donald at the people who try to confront him with reality, because, in the Freudian-slippage way, they expose his shadow — take this one, directed at ABC’s Tom Llamas on Tuesday:

You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well.

In this breathtaking attack, The Donald conveyed more than he wished. While his intent was to imply that he was being unfairly (but of course) criticized by the reporter who should know better, he let us know, Freudian-slippage style, what we have observed time and again: that reality as we know it with its pesky facts is optional — and threatening — for him, because he lives in his own version of it, where we all should join him (if we knew what’s good for us).

This again ties in with his pathological defense against shame. A narcissist’s facts and facts as most of us know them are distinctly incompatible, and you bring it up at your own risk.

Should the truth — those inconvenient realities of his life and his character as the rest of us see them — be revealed, he would be emotionally annihilated, so he cannot allow that. Yes, a narcissist would kill, easily, to protect his fragile ego from this unforgivable, to him, insult of the truth.

That narcissistic rage attacks can be deadly we see in, for example, the tragic and seemingly incomprehensible instances of lethal domestic violence where a narcissistically injured spouse, usually a husband, lashes out at his wife who may have offended him “for the last time” by confronting him with some imperfection of his (as in, Would you take your shoes off the table, please?). We can also see it, brazenly displayed, in the lives of genocidal tyrants. Saddam Hussein, for instance, was known to invite his advisers to give him honest feedback, and then execute those who took the honest part seriously. Ditto Stalin.

The epidemic of gun violence in the US, particularly mass shootings — a persistent clamoring of our Shadow to pay attention to its presence, something we equally persistently refuse to do — is also driven largely by narcissistic rage. During a news conference several days ago about the UCLA shooter, the chief of LAPD said the following:

Everybody tries to look for a good reason for this. There is no good reason for this. This is a mental issue, mental derangement.

He was correct that there is no good reason for this and that “mental derangement” is the cause — but we should learn to identify and name this specific mental derangement, called aggrieved entitlement, which is a form of narcissistic rage, already. Our failure to do so, repeatedly and with the kind of stubbornness that suggests willful blindness, is deadly. Whatever other difficulties the UCLA shooter may have experienced, we can assume with a fair degree of certainty that narcissistic entitlement and rage were among them, as it is nearly always the case. For it takes a grand dose of faith in one’s specialness to believe that one has a right to take another’s life — or many — in revenge for whatever slights, real or imagined, one may have experienced.

Tom Llamas’ offense, like those unlucky honest Hussein’s advisers, was, in addition to confronting Trump with cold facts about his charitable inactivities, ignoring those central facts that comprise the narcissist’s reality:

It is not, however, as though his understanding of himself and the world is entirely fact-free. There are three major facts around which his whole reality is organized:

1. I am great.

2. People unfairly malign me.

3. I will show them (they will pay).

Those are not just beliefs — they are facts etched deep in his psyche, and they evoke corresponding emotional states of 1. grandiose pride, 2. sense of victimhood and resentment, 3. desire for revenge, all of which form the core of his sense of self and motivate his actions.

“You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well” — the real facts, about the narcissist’s unsurpassed and unquestioned greatness — and you choose to ignore them. You will pay.

Trump’s gratuitous putdowns hint at the reservoir of narcissistic rage within. If physical violence (or a lawsuit) is not an option, sadistic insults will do. We all remember his gleeful mockery of a disabled reporter; yesterday, he gave us another example when talking about John Kerry’s accident in France last year:

He goes into a bicycle race, and he breaks his leg, and he’s incapacitated. And you know what they’re saying to each other? ‘How dumb is this guy? How dumb?’

The crowd laughed, as WaPo reports.

Narcissistic rage is easily evoked by the weakness of others, which the narcissist finds contemptible and deserving punishment, sometimes giving us hints at his own early traumas he may have experienced as a weak and helpless child at mercy of his harsh and/or cruel caretakers.

It also gives us a close look at other aspects of his shadow. Here is what Trump said about Hillary Clinton this week:

She’s a total mess, she’s unstable, and she can’t be president.

And how he responded when asked why he engaged in Twitter wars with Elizabeth Warren:

Because she is a nasty person, a terrible senator, and it drives her crazy.

These grade-school level barbs, which, like everything else that comes from the man’s mouth, are based on projection, tell us most about his shadow, facts which he does not want to — cannot, at a risk of grave injury — acknowledge of himself: that he is a nasty person, a total mess, unstable, terrible at his job (whatever it really is), and easily driven crazy by petty insults and criticisms. Oh, and that he can’t be president. If only Donald listened to his shadow…

Narcissistic rage is one of the darkest and deadliest forces known to mankind. Before it erupts, it usually simmers and percolates for a long time, fueled by resentment, envy and entitlement, the latter always aggrieved as the narcissist’s need for adulation and glory is insatiable and he can see the world populated by the undeserving, inferior people who nevertheless dare to be happier and/or more successful than he is. It thus creates enemies out of the innocent and often weak who become vessels for the narcissist’s hateful and envious projections.

These sustained projections form a basis of an attitude called the narcissism of minor differences, first described by Freud, where we exaggerate small differences in people who are our neighbors — their dress, the shape of their noses, etc. — in order to feel superior to them and exclude them from our group. This attitude, like anything else based on fear and hatred, easily infects others, already narcissistically predisposed; and the sharing makes the hateful projections grow and spread. The co-existent phenomenon of collective narcissism, which intensifies the in-group ties (and which is unsurprisingly associated with authoritarianism) at the expense of excluding and demonizing those who do not belong to our group, strengthens this pathological, but common and predictable enough process.

Once established as a more or less legitimate shared worldview, the narcissism of minor differences leads to an easy dehumanization of The Other, entrenched in racism and other forms of prejudice. It culminates in mob actions, gang violence, terrorism, and endless internal conflicts and wars, which — because of their grand scale and the magnitude of destruction — are the ultimate expressions of narcissistic rage and the deadliest manifestations of our Shadow.

And we allow this to happen.

Much cyberink has been spilled on analyzing Trump’s enduring appeal to American voters, and lauding his purported political mastery. This predictable but misguided adulation that stems from widespread narcissistic collusion and denial it creates (and the other way around) is exactly what the narcissist desires and aims at extracting from others.

It is unforgivable that our media not only legitimize this destructive individual, but imbue him with all kinds of special skills, attributing to him, with admiration and awe, political genius and media savvy.

Not coincidentally, the same happened with other leaders in human history who shared this character defect: while they were ridiculed by some, they were lauded by the press, domestic and foreign, for their “eloquence” and “brilliant political skills” as they peddled their grandiose dreams of glory alongside contempt and hatred for their “enemies,” The Others.

“This is a marvelous demagogue who can really inspire loyalty.”

“This guy is a clown. He’s like a caricature of himself.”

That’s how the media both idealized and devalued another similar character from the past who set out to show the world how great he was and how much adulation he deserved, Adolf Hitler.

This happens every time with an extreme (psychopathic) narcissistic leader / public character, because his pathology evokes just that very kind of response in people, media people included: it makes us either laugh in disbelief and contempt, or idolize his hyped-up “skills” — which are really nothing more than expressions of his pathology — often both at the same time. And while the public is both amused and mesmerized by the future tyrant’s larger-than-life persona, he ever so persistently marches toward his ultimate goal unimpeded — because the number of those who fall for his narcissistic manipulations is always too large.

The predictable and co-occurring idealization and devaluation are two emotional states that generally define a narcissist’s attitude toward himself (idealization) and others (devaluation; see the insults discussed above). He projects them, primitively — i.e., without any self-reflection or inhibitions, as there is no functioning conscience to impose such “obstacles” on his mental processes and behavior — onto the world and constructs an entire ideology from them.

When dressed up in grandiose and empty sloganeering on patriotism, faith, national purity, and other perverted “ideals,” this pathological process is mistaken for “political brilliance” and other such dangerous nonsense, as it inspires too many people to follow the leader, even if straight into an abyss. His irresistible pull lies not in any specific policies he may be promising (and being blissfully unacquainted with reality, he is always short and/or vague on those), but in the feelings his words engender in his followers, specifically a narcissistic identification with the strongman, which compensates for his followers’ inadequacies; and narcissistic rage, which the strongman embodies and already unleashes on the nation through inciting chaos and violence. The only promises that matter are those which bring in a possibility of revenge for the real and imagined hurts of his followers. That, too, is our Shadow at work.

This phenomenon, part of narcissistic collusion that develops between narcissistic leaders and their followers in any human group and organization, is as common as it is dangerous. It should be obvious that any promises and “serious” pronouncements such a leader makes are not worth the air he wastes uttering them. The only “skills” that he possesses come from his emotional primitivism combined with his grandiosity and lack of conscience, which allow him to unleash the disordered contents of his psyche on the world without any inhibition or compunction.

This appeals to and “awes” people who are psychologically similar, but frightens and repulses, correctly, the rest who are not as primitive and/or disordered and who see where this dangerous process leads. Unfortunately, too many journalists, not to mention Trump’s admirers and supporters, apparently belong in the former camp, as their shadow dangerously colludes with his.

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hunter934 · 6 years ago

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RISA WATANABE - 20± SWEET INTERVIEW

The gap between her 20-year-old self she once imagined of and her 20-year-old self in reality makes her feel disappointed. More or less, everyone feels the same way. So, the future will change depends on whether she rejects it or sees it as an aspiration.

***

She has been already mature since she was a teenager. Quiet, and less talk. Therefore, our first impression towards her was “humble”. However, the more we watch her activity, the more we understand that she is “action before words” type of person, who keeps her determination inside and transfers it into action. Moreover, as the years pass by, and she is getting more experiences, her speech and conduct become more visible, like she already broke the shell that kept her invisible until now. And there Risa Watanabe is… longing for further growth when she approached 20.

- Risa-san, what is big turning point during 20 years of your life? One thing apart from becoming member of Keyakizaka46…

Risa: Hmm… there are many things, but maybe joining volleyball club in the middle school. In my middle school, we’d have to join at least one club, that’s why I started playing volleyball, but instead of being taught the volleyball techniques, we had been taught the importance of human relationship and manners, mostly we had been taught about things we’re supposed to know in our life. That kind of thought, still remains in my heart even now.

- So, you had been mentally trained, and been taught the important things you’re supposed to know as human, is that correct? For some reason, do you think yourself as hate-to-lose person?

Risa: Hmm, maybe I don’t have any thought like “I don’t want to lose to other”. But perhaps I should say that I don’t want to lose to myself.

- It’s really great to have that kind of thought in such young age. Because, usually teenagers and people in early 20s tend to blame another person and society.

Risa: I never really thought about that, I don’t have any clue why people think that way… whenever I can’t do something, I think that it’s my own fault. So it’s really frustrating if there’s something I can’t do.

- That logic is really to the point. Perhaps it’s kind of exaggeration if I say that that kind of thought is sort of philosophical or aesthetic, but what is exactly thing that shape the present Risa Watanabe? Is there any person or culture that influence you?

Risa: Eee, I wonder… (thinking for a while) Hmm, maybe I haven’t met that kind of existence yet. I haven’t found something that makes me able to say “This is the one!”, even though I try to think about it. Maybe I already did, but I myself haven’t realized it yet…

- Is there any influence from your friends?

Risa: Ah, it is (laugh). I have one bestie, if we have free time, I will meet and talk to her, we will hang out together, she is very important to me. I met her for the first time in the mid-school volleyball club, we were not really close back then. But, we attended the same high school… we went to school together, we got closer, and we became best friends. She is really reliable, she can notice something that I even can’t, like “Ah, so there is that kind of perspective!”, I always discover something new every time we meet, she always makes me realize something. That’s why, even though we are of the same age, I really admire her as human.

- I think having best friend that you can admire means a lot to you that can’t even be described in words. Actually, fellow member Nagahama-san said, “I really admire Risa who never lost a sight of anything at any moment”. By the way, what kind of person is Nagahama-san, that is of the same age as you, in your perspective?

Risa: I really admire Neru too. Among Keyaki’s members, she is always busy especially with her job outside Keyaki, however she always pays attention to people around her, she always notices even the small changes. I think Neru is strong.

- Nagahama-san really wanted to become 20 immediately since she was a teenager, she even said “I’m finally 20” on her birthday . The moment you turned into 20, what did you think? What did you feel?

Risa: On my birthday? What did I do again...? However, I also want to become 25 immediately, just like Neru wanted to become 20 (laugh). I never thought “I want to become teenager forever”, so I didn’t consider turning into 20 as something special. It only feels “Ah, I’m another year older”.

- I see, by the way, why do you want to become 25 immediately?

Risa: Because I want to become a real adult. 20yo person is already an adult from society perspective, but I think we’re not really adult… Everyone often says that when we’re elementary or mid-school students, 20yo person looks very mature, but when I turned into 20 myself, I’m still a child, nothing changes. That’s why I want to see myself as real adult immediately.

- I will ask you something about that. How is your image of ideal adult woman? Or, what kind of woman do you consider as adult?

Risa: Hmm… people who enjoying their life. People who doing their job well, and taking a break as well, I really admire adults that have some time to spare. But, if we can live our life to the fullest everyday, I think it will be so much fun, so at first maybe I will start from cherishing every single day.

- Why do you portray 25yo women as lively people who live their life to the fullest?

Risa: Because I imagine people in that age start to prepare how to face life in their 30s, so I think they are more mature than 20yo me. I want to immediately start that kind of preparation too.

- Meanwhile, Nagahama-san said “I want to become 40 immediately” (laugh). Is it because both of you experienced working together with wonderful adults?

Risa: Ah, it might be correct. Araki Yuko-san who always helps me in modelling job is also 25, so maybe she became one of my indicators.

- I see. Okay, with that kind of perspective, how is your ideal “adult love” and “adult date”?

Risa: Adult love…? Maybe I got too much influence from drama, but when I watch “Chuugakusei Nikki”, I think the relationship between the protagonist Hijiri-chan’s ex-fiance and his boss played by Yoshida Yo-san is very interesting. I always laugh every time I watch it. A man that is always being abused by his reliable senior, that kind of composition somehow makes me think, “Ah this is adult love”. But it’s not like I want to abuse someone (laugh). However, if there is love relationship between boss and subordinate in the same company, somehow it sounds interesting. Though it seems so complicated if it really happens in the real life…

- That’s right (laugh). However, Yoshida Yo-san is certainly a wonderful person, both as an actress and adult woman.

Risa: I really like her. She is not only beautiful, but also cool. How should I put it… my image of “a complete adult woman” is someone like Yoshida Yo-san.

- So, she is sort of your ideal image. Okay, let’s talk about real life, what kind of adult do you want to be in the future? Use your imagination, and imagine how you see yourself in 2-3 years.

Risa: Okay… I want to work. Then, what kind of work I want to do… basically I want to do kind of works where I can move my body.

- In short… you want to do active works, is that correct?

Risa: I want to work while searching for a hobby, and then devoting myself into it… I want to try that kind of life too. For example, I want to attend cooking class, and meet something that somehow I can be enthusiastic about. There are adults who are always enthusiastic about their hobbies no matter how old they are, I think they are so wonderful, I want to be that kind of adult too in the future.

- I think it’s really a wonderful guideline. Okay, let’s back to the topic, is there something you want to do when you’re still 20? For example, something big like “climbing Mt. Fuji” is okay, or something more familiar is also okay.

Risa: When I’m still 20… I want to challenge myself by doing something I want to do while fully enjoying the pleasure of this age. When we were doing photoshoot just now, I could see Mt. Fuji, and suddenly I want to climb it, so I think climbing Mt.Fuji is not a bad idea.

- Ah, I see! Today, I didn’t realize at all that we could see Mt.Fuji from this neighborhood, it was a random example though.

Risa: I could see it! That’s why it caught my eyes (laugh).

- However, you became able to clearly say what you think year after year. In our interview before, you also said “I want to do radio job”, then you got chance to fill the position of “School of Lock” personality as Hirate Yurina-san’s pinch hitter. What on earth is this change of mind?

Risa: Up until now, even though I want to do this, I want to do that, I don’t say what I think very much. Though I think “action before words” is way cooler (laugh). However, I finally realized in this past year that saying what I think would be a benefit. I feel that it might be better to say what I think particularly in this work. So, I think maybe it’s okay to say what I want to someone around me even it’s only a little bit. From now on, I hope I can be more greedy like that, even though it’s only little by little.

Using words “only a little bit”, “little by little” is indeed reflecting her humble personality. Meanwhile, from this one phrase “greedy”, it can be perceived that her sense of responsibility and confidence that were born from standing at the front row in 2 consecutive singles, are certainly being her flesh and blood now. And her desire to immediately become an adult perhaps is the embodiment of her thought that wants to have stronger mental and more capacity to carry the group… maybe we are reading her mind little too much. However, we cannot help but to feel her high potential and room for growth from her every single word, once again it is the reality. Anyway, it cannot be denied that we should pay attention to the evolution of Risa Watanabe in the future.

===================================

*sorry for my bad English

#keyakizaka46 #watanabe risa #欅坂46 #渡邉理佐 #english #translation

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alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog · 6 years ago

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Unapologetic - Confessions of an Imperfect Human

It is unpleasant and disturbing to be rejected. It is deeply satisfying to be accepted – Stephen Covey

That word “validation” has become so tainted for me, reminding me of my obsessive need to feel secure in my decisions both personally and professionally, a year ago I would have told you that all I wanted were for people to like me, that growing up in the light leaves you desperate to always be the best, to make people aware of what meals were brought to the table, A year ago I would have told you that every move I made was dictated by people I trust edand someone who never had any good intentions for me at all – but as he was my superior, the person who held my professional growth in his hands- I wanted his approval – and with that came the desperate need to make someone else happy, even when it didn’t feel right for me and for that the word validation became tainted, it became an addiction and I quickly developed the need for more, I wanted to know that I was doing a good job and that all the work I had been putting in was paying off, not even realizing that my entire decision making abilities were taken over by my need for approval by others- I sacrificed my own ambitions and life to have the approval of someone that in the end, their approval and validation meant Shit!! And you can argue that you are not part of the 100% of man kind that has asked to be validated in some way- but reality is there are common behaviours which we all fail to recognize as approval seeking. Sometimes these behaviours are used as tactical compromise to maybe keep the peace or maybe the situation is really not that important to you – you still don’t believe me…allow me to list 5 and tell me how many you are guilty of –

- Changing or softening your position because someone appears to disapprove.

- Paying insincere compliments to gain approval

- Feeling upset, worried or insulted when someone disagrees with you

- Expressing agreement (verbally or non-verbally) when you do not agree

- Doing something that you do not want to do because you are afraid to say NO!

Guilty Guilty Guilty…

Let’s try 5 more…

- Failing to complain when you have received poor service, or a product not fit for purpose

- Spreading bad news and gossip to gain attention

- Asking permission when it is not required

- Pretending to be knowledgeable or an authority on a subject because you are afraid to admit that there is something you do not know

- Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments and/or getting upset when they fail to do so

Ladies, we ask for validation when we go shopping with our friends and come out to show them or take a selfie to send to them to help us decide, recording artists seek validation when they put their music out there by having listening parties and sending teasers out to radio stations- and parents question their own decisions when it comes to situations regarding their kids so they turn to facebook groups that are made up of thousands of strangers who all have their own opinions on what is considered norm for raising children these days and we think that those are the people qualified to co-parent our children so here we are -all guilty of it- all trying to get the same thing from one person or another- Validation- and yet we think that we shouldn’t seek it because maybe we are considered to be self centered, or self absorbed or maybe simply seeking it leaves us vulnerable to outsiders trying to change our behaviour to favour their needs…my therapist however has convinced me to perceive the word differently –

To break down what the word actually means -

1. the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

2. the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

3. recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

In this case all 3 are the same for me – I received some incredible news last week and when my therapist asked me how I felt about it I took a deep breath, sighed and said “validated, which is terrible to say-but exactly how I feel” Puzzled with my answer, she went on to ask why I thought it was “terrible” for me to feel validated and without hesitating I said “because that word is tainted for me” and she asked me to explain-

“you see Susan, taking a stand against sexual harassment, putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable, open and raw should feel “terrible” and hearing the things people had to say about me was draining and it made me question everything, I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong, how this all happened- replaying it over and over so much so that that terrible feeling almost became a part of me - but when I got that letter I felt (as I took a deep breathe) “validated” considering for the past few months I’ve been told I needed to be quiet and knowing that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen next scared me so I did exactly what society told me to do- Change but now for the first time since having come out about “Surviving Wall street” someone heard me and it was finally being taking seriously, it feels amazing to have some control back because for the past year I have had none, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster”…and I went on to tell her that for the first time in 6 months, I slept!

And she just smiled at me – and we sat there quiet for a minute and she made me realize there is a human need to feel validated, that we are pre-disposed to it, because as we’ve grown up we were taught that our feelings should be validated, our dreams encouraged and sought after, our actions whether it be at the office or at home acknowledged not for what you can get in return but for the effort that was put forward in general – it isn’t what we are asking to be validated for that should change, it’s WHO we seek validation from that should change- as CEO of your own life you should be the only person who can validate your emotional well being maybe then we will no longer feel the need to seek validation from men, or our bosses or coworkers or even the random people we see on a day to day basis… We were taught as children that a man can either make us or break us and somewhere down the road that conversation started to change and it wasn’t until recently that women have realized that they don’t need to be validated by any one person and in fact, peoples opinions mean nothing!

I am not even kidding, since the beginning of time (my time, lol) I can remember us (women) altering our behaviour to seek the validation of a man…and how we continue to do it well into adulthood, parenting and so much more- maybe without even realizing it or maybe for reasons we are yet to understand. I am thinking about the women who are going out this week and trying on new shirts for the occasion, desperate to put forth the best first impression - failing to realize that underneath that perfectly applied make up and brand new shirt that she is probably never going to wear again is a down to earth, confident girl who just needs to throw her hair in a pony tail and just be herself – because at the end of the day her personality is her best asset (and you can look super cute in work out clothes too)

Or me, for example- the mama who calls on the 3 strongest and most fierce women I know when I feel the need to be validated - I call my mom when I need my mom (which is almost everyday lol) but when I wanted to file with Human rights my mom was right by my side and when I need that level headed person to talk me out of something - I call my sister because she always gives the best advice and when I need someone to rally with me because my own kid needs to be validated I call my mother in law because without a doubt she always has my back! But without those 3 women I would be left questioning my every move as parent- especially with so many parenting opinions out there these days from breast feeding to circumcision to even how we educate our children- you cannot make a move without the whole world watching, and when the whole world is watching you become terrified to actually be ourselves out of fear someone might have something to say again not only when it comes to being a mama but being a wife or even a woman in general, it’s ridiculous how we change our behaviour, how we adapt our mannerisms, our appearances and our thinking to fit the social norms of today and how we are left with watered down and filtered versions of ourselves- manufactured to fit other people’s needs.

I posted a photo the other day with the caption “Andrea said “just fucking post it, because you look bomb” -I really struggled with making the decision to post it so much so that I stopped myself a few times from making it public, but to be honest I really needed her to say that (not only as a friend but a mama and wife as well) and so within a few minutes of her “validating” my desire to post it, I posted it and while It was the first time I posted something that showed a little more skin (classic sports bra and underwear) it felt empowering and it was no longer a scary thing - I have always been confident enough in my body to show it off “curves for days” as I am told, something I have always been super embarrassed about and ashamed of but this photo was different, this photo made it clear that I have learned to embrace every so called flaw – it showed off how much progress I’ve made both physically and mentally and in one picture you could tell I how much I love my body just the way it was and my husband certainly didn’t have a problem with it being posted (you’re fucking hot” he said lol) The reason I was against originally posting it was simply because it was not “socially acceptable” for me to post something with that much skin (when I am a mom and a wife) even though my bathing suit is considered perfectly acceptable to be photographed in. This goes back to all 10 of those unconscious approval seeking traits that I mentioned earlier, in that moment of self doubt I was guilty of ALL of them and I felt more concerned with people’s opinions of me. “I can’t post that Andrea, do you know how much shit people are going to talk, the disgusting messages I am going to get” all I could think about was that my bother in law follows me, my 15 year old nephew, a few students from work have found their way over to my page and I know that given my circumstances where my desperate need to be liked has landed me in position that is not ideal, I was worried about how it was all going to be perceived…

”She only posted that for attention”

"She just wants the likes”

“Wow, I can’t believe she just posted that”

Before it was even made public I felt ashamed of my body, ashamed of how proud I was for how far I’ve come, ashamed that I wanted to show it off because lets remember just wearing pants with holes in them was seen as an invitation for unwanted sexual advances and I couldn’t imagine the comments I was going to get with that photo being posted-because from my experience, men cannot seem to keep their desires to themselves (even when they legally need to) but let me tell you something- among a few gross and now blocked messages- there were some incredible comments that just made my heart so full and reminded me that my social media is not for anyone else but me and that Andrea was right, I did look bomb and I knew that- and that was actually the only validation that I needed in that moment, the confidence I had to wear that proud - I needed a reminder that you all are guests on my page and have chosen to come there, to follow me and in the end I need to be proud of the content that I decided to put out there that I had control of the message that I was sending to women- so I wanted to share a few of those incredibly kind messages that were sent to me in hopes that you all realize that validation does not need to be tainted- if used correctly “validation” can be inspiring as well.

“You’ve come such a long way since I first met you Jenna, the most important thing was with then and now, you’re smile. Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re amazing..never forget that” – T

“I have been watching your journey for a while and you are inspiration, keep going.”

“you look amazing girl! How much weight have you lost? Keep killing it”

“Girl, you look mint. Soak up all the good feels, you deserve them”

“You look amazing Jenna!! I’m so jealous. How do you manage to look toned and fit and still look thick (in a good way) you’re body is my dream girl”

As I said earlier, there is a message here…. We do not need be ashamed of our bodies, we do not need to be ashamed of being proud of them, we do not need to be ashamed of wanting to show them off and we should be allowed to do that. 90% of the comments (and somewhat dirty comments/messages) were from the women who felt inspired by what I had posted- who made me feel amazing in my own skin- who “Validated” my desire to post that photo- I have been working non-stop these past few months on personal growth, I have taken time off, started meditating, started therapy and grew (and shrank lol) in so many ways… It has been a roller coaster of emotions lately, all for many different reasons but when another woman takes the time out of her day to leave a comment as simple and as beautiful as

“Your confidence is radiant”

Then you can’t help but feel confident, and radiant and like you can take on the world (or a person) without feeling guilty of wanting recognition for it - just make sure it is from the right people, seeking validation from the wrong person or even social media can lead to destructive behaviour even without us realizing we are doing it! And something else to remember – women stand taller when they build one another up- so be a fucking pineapple and stand tall baby- women supporting women is a whole new way of life!

#beapinapple

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caelystrae · 6 years ago

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And It’s Hard to Love

im dying bc i scrapped my original fic i wrote today bc i didnt like it... wrote a whole new one... and still dont know if i like it... but the day is over so i gotta post what i have LMAO

anyway. @letanafuck week day 3. love/hate. mostly love, from me

ao3

Pairing: Anamercy

Rating: M

Words: 3.5k

Maybe that is why Ana is afraid, when Angela says I love you, because once, she might have been falling in love with Angela, might even have begun to consider what that would mean for the both of them to talk about their relationship openly, despite the consequences, to refuse propositions not because there was someone else already meeting her needs adequately, and breaking in new lovers could be a hassle, but because she only wanted one person—and despite beginning to feel that way, things between them still soured, were victim to the outside stresses of Overwatch’s collapse, until rather than feeling comfortable, Ana felt trapped. It scares her, to think that she could have loved Angela, then, and still run, and terrifies her to think that it might happen again.

Or,

Angela accidentally says "I love you" during sex, and Ana is not at all prepared to deal with that.

In her life, Ana has known war, but she has rarely experienced peace, she has known freedom, but rarely seen justice, and she has known hate, but she does not know, not for certain, if she has ever felt love. Of course, she loves her daughter, loves her friends, loves her duty, her country, her people—but that is not the same as feeling romantic love, not at all, and Ana is content with that, with what she has had, does not think that she needs to ever be in love with someone to be happy with the life she has led, the things she has accomplished. Out of all of her regrets, never having been in love is not worth even mentioning.

Most of Ana’s relationships have been purely physical, because she alternately lacks the time, the desire, or the stability to search for love. While she acknowledges that there have been a few exceptions, they have been relationships built on friendship, or admiration, not love. Sam was such a one, and for a time she believed Angela was another—and now, she must face that that is not necessarily the case.

Coming back from the dead changed many things, but it was only the catalyst for a change that was a long time coming before her death, that continues even now that she is four months returned.

Perhaps it would be an overstatement to say that, in the years before her death, she and Angela admired each other; it was admiration that brought them to one another, yes, recognition of some kindred spirit, a mutual drive, a need to protect and a willingness to do so by whatever means they deemed necessary, but that did not last. Towards the end of their time together, towards the end of Overwatch, towards the end of Ana, or the Ana who was never the Shrike, they fought more often than not, found that agreeing to do whatever was necessary only went so far, when the two of them disagreed on what, in fact, was a necessity, and Ana struggles when thinking of the things that they said to one another, that they must have thought about one another, to say that she felt admiration, or that Angela could have felt the same.

She never hated Angela, this much Ana knows, but sometimes, sometimes she was afraid that she might grow to.

When they fought, they never held anything back—perhaps because of the admiration they felt for one another, in the early days, because they knew the other could take hearing what it was they were to say, or perhaps because their arguments were complicated by other feelings, ones they chose not to give voice to—and Ana winces, now, remembering the things the two of them said to one another. It was a stressful time, Overwatch’s fall, for the both of them, made harder still that they both felt increasingly isolated and embattled in their respective positions, between the development of the Biotic Rifle and Jack and Gabe’s decision to slowly freeze Ana out of the chain of command, but that stress could not excuse the things they both allowed themselves to say, and it is not an easy time for Ana to remember.

(Ana feels similarly about the breakdown in her relationship with her daughter, but that was easy to make sense of, after the fact, and she knows, now, where the two of them stand, even if it is not always easy between them. They had blood and a lifetime of love between them; the same cannot be said for how she feels about Angela.)

To say, therefore, that Angela’s response to her return was unexpected, then, would be an understatement.

What Ana expected, upon her return, was anger, was betrayal, was a condemnation. Instead, she received none of those things—or, she did, eventually, in conversations about the rifle, about her leaving, but never were they such simple feelings from Angela, and never were the conversations themselves as fraught as the ones from seven years before. It is impossible to judge for Ana, what it is that Angela is feeling, when she voices her betrayal at Ana for having had the audacity to die on her, only to come back as if nothing had happened, because Ana knows that Angela ought to be furious with her, would have said things meant to hurt, if this happened years ago, and instead she is also unmistakably relieved by Ana’s returning, and that relief tempers her anger.

This, in turn, ought to make Ana happy, she ought to be relieved at this turn of events, by the fact that, somehow, they have both of them changed, and grown, and returned to one another more able, or perhaps more willing, to disagree, and to set those disagreements aside, in order to be happy together, or as close to it as they can come. What Ana feels, instead of relief, is worry. Nothing in her life has ever been so simple, and the lack of a clean resolution to their prior conflicts, the lack of confirmation that that is behind them, the unaddressed feelings and hurts, they haunt her.

Angela says she loves her.

What to make of that? It is the opposite reaction from what Ana expected, upon returning, and Ana is not sure that she would be able to believe it, even were that not the case. How could Angela love her? After she left, died, Angela’s greatest fear, after she betrayed her lover, taking the Biotic Rifle with her, despite knowing that it represented the greatest perversion of Angela’s life’s work, after what she said to Angela, how could Angela love her?

How could Angela love her, when she struggles to love herself? Knowing what she has done in the name of duty—what of that she regrets, what of that was not truly necessary, and having seen the nastier parts of herself, knowing whom she truly is: a killer, and not a protector. There is little enough of her left to love, anyway, after what happened, after her death and the Shrike. How could anyone love her?

How could Angela love her, when seven years ago they could hardly speak to one another, were too often too angry to be civil, and were avoiding each other more often than not, lest they begin another argument, unable for the first time to set professional differences apart for the sake of their relationship—whatever one might have defined it as?

(Perhaps, if she asked Angela, Angela might tell her that she felt love, even then, and that is why the perceived betrayal of the development of the Biotic Rifle hurt her so much. Perhaps she might try to convince Ana that Ana, too, loved her, and that was why Ana was willing to argue about it at all, rather than simply dismissing her disagreement, wanting instead for Angela to come to approve or, at the least, not be angry with her any longer for what she had chosen to do. Perhaps she might claim that Ana’s death put the issue into perspective for her, and she realized that she had feelings all along. Perhaps—it does not matter.)

Ana worries about what it would mean to love Angela, given that there is still so much between them unsaid, unresolved. One of the reasons why the idea of being in love has never appealed to Ana is that its seems terribly complicated, and her life is difficult enough already without such added concerns, and their situation has more unique challenges than most.

Yet, despite all of this, there are times when loving Angela seems like it could be so very easy to do.

When she wakes in the morning to find Angela curled around her, and her lover kisses her temple in lieu of a greeting before slipping out of bed to prepare for the day, she wonders what it might be like to wake to this every morning, thinks it might be worth suffering Angela kicking the blankets off of both of them in her sleep. Perhaps that is not love, but it is a desire for permanence, one she could not imagine herself feeling seven years ago when all she wanted was to run.

When Angela glances around the common room nervously to ensure they are alone before shifting closer to Ana on the couch, and wrapping their hands around one another, Ana considers for the first time whether or not it would be so terrible to allow others to see them like this, despite the uncomfortable questions it might invite about the nature of their relationship before Overwatch fell. This, too, might not be love, but it is a growing comfort with casual intimacy that Ana might once have avoided, for fear of what it might mean.

When they find themselves where they are now, Angela straddling her thighs in a position that allows them both to, with a bit of awkward bumping into one another at first, reach down and touch each other simultaneously, all the while maintaining eye contact and kissing one another as they please, Ana wonders what lead them to this point.

Their relationship was never meant to last, was not—is not—a relationship, was meant to be a casual mutual pursuit of much needed stress relief, an exchange of power and of favors. When one of them had a particularly rough day, they could meet one another by cover of darkness and—deal with the problem, in their own way, Angela allowing Ana to once again feel in control of her life and its circumstances, and Ana freeing Angela from that same burden; that is not the basis for love, or was never meant to be. Over time, things shifted, grew more complicated, until even meeting with Angela felt stressful, and all Ana wanted was to get away from everyone, herself included, to be free of all of her obligations, even caring for her lover, and yet, here she is, one of Angela’s lips pressed to hers, and two of her fingers inside her erstwhile lover.

(Maybe that is why Ana is afraid, when Angela says I love you, because once, she might have been falling in love with Angela, might even have begun to consider what that would mean for the both of them, to talk about their relationship openly, despite the consequences, to refuse propositions not because there was someone else already meeting her needs adequately, and breaking in new lovers could be a hassle, but because she only wanted one person—and despite beginning to feel that way, things between them still soured, were victim to the outside stresses of Overwatch’s collapse, until rather than feeling comfortable, Ana felt trapped. It scares her, to think that she could have loved Angela, then, and still ran, and terrifies her to think that it might happen again.)

But this is not complicated, not really, not if she focuses on the details, the way that, when she presses her thumb down on Angela’s clit, Angela gasps against her mouth, and rolls her hips into the touch, or the scent of Angela’s shampoo—not sweet, or heady, just clean, a product selected for its ability to make the curls in her hair loosen to waves, and not for its scent—which surrounds her, as Angela’s bangs fall across both of their faces, hiding the world from Ana’s view as they cover her one good eye, or the way Angela is so in tune with what she needs, what she wants, all the ways in which Ana likes to be touched.

It feels good, to be like this, inside each other, surrounding each other, all wrapped up together. How could this be a bad thing?

(How could the gentle pressure of Angela’s free arm draped across her shoulder feel like it is trapping her? Could this change, again, back from what they have now to the pain and difficulty of seven years previous?)

She is pulled from her thoughts when Angela moves her mouth next to Ana’s ear, panting into it as she whispers encouragements, praise, pleas, anything and everything that comes to her mind and which might convince Ana to let her come faster.

Some of the things she says are gentle, Perfect, and So beautiful, and You’re so good to me, others are demanding, Harder, and Stay there, and More, please, more, and others are nonsense, little pleased noises of all sorts, and all of them are sufficient to drive any trepidation from Ana’s mind.

(This could not be the same voice that accused Ana of using her, of having slept with her only to ensure that she would stay with Overwatch long enough to let her guard down, and allow her technology to be exploited.)

Years ago, sex between them might have been carefully scripted, an exchange of power and little more, in which both of them kept carefully to their roles, so as not to disturb the delicate balance of their arrangement, to rip the thin veil of pretense that allowed them to carry on pretending that what they had was nothing more than the two of them fucking a few times a month—but now Angela gives as good as she gets, pulls back slightly from Ana’s fingers, shuddering, when she notices herself approaching climax just a tad too quickly, and focuses more on Ana’s pleasure for a minute or two, until she feels they are both equally aroused.

Even though Ana knows she does not particularly like to do it—and therefore never demands it of her lover—Angela slides a finger inside Ana, and then another shortly thereafter, only because she knows it will help Ana to come faster, and make the inevitable orgasm more pleasurable when it does come.

(Once, Ana called her the most selfish person she had ever had the misfortune to encounter in her fifty-three years of living, because Angela placed her own morals over Ana’s, refused to allow her technology to be weaponized despite how useful it would be, in the right hands, how many lives would potentially be saved by killing the right people with it, because she would not take those losses on her conscience—Ana regrets saying that, now, regretted it immediately, in truth, and she wonders how the woman who is so generous a lover to her could ever have seemed so callous, where they went wrong that such a statement could even for a moment have felt true.)

When Ana moves her free hand to cup one of Angela’s breast, she can feel the hammering of her heart, and notes that it matches her own, and when she pants, Angela gasps in time, as if they were connected in more ways than the sweat sticking their skin together, or by the feeling of being inside one another.

Both of them are close now, Ana knows, can feel her own orgasm approaching as she struggles to keep her movements against Angela’s fingers steady, and knows that Angela will come soon from the quaking of her thighs on top of Ana’s own, and the way her speech has fallen to the wayside, replaced only by little noises and the occasional plea, Yes, Ana, please panted out one word at a time.

(It is hard to believe, now, how distant she felt they were from one another, back then, is harder still to recall a time when, before the arguing, they were ever so close as they are in this moment. At least Angela’s begging is familiar, but even it has changed in tone, from desperation to some other emotion Ana cannot immediately name.)

It is Angela who comes first, in the end, set off by nothing in particular that Ana can identify, but her lover does not stop, throughout it all, moving against her, and so when she catches the I love you that tumbles from Angela’s mouth amongst so many other phrases, it coincides with the beginning of her own orgasm—and, to her surprise, does not negatively affect her enjoyment of the moment.

When she is finished, she allows herself to fall onto her back on the bed, but Angela does not follow suit, as she often does, stays sitting up, biting her lip nervously and looking down at Ana below.

Ana raises an eyebrow at her, before remembering that the effect is likely rather different now that she only has one good eye, and one full eyebrow—but Angela seems to understand.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Angela tells her, as if Ana had not heard her whisper the same over their call a few weeks prior, as if she had not murmured it in her native tongue before, as if Ana did not know how she felt.

“Did you not mean it?” Ana asks her, and Angela only looks more uncomfortable at the question.

“No,” says she, “Or, yes, or—or no, I did mean it?” A pause. “I meant it, I just—didn’t mean to say it like that, or just now, or when we were—”

“Angela,” Ana cuts her off, propping herself up on her elbows, “Calm down. It’s fine.”

“Is it?” Angela asks her, and Ana hesitates, then.

Hesitation is a fatal mistake; she learned that when she faced Widowmaker for the first time. In the moment Ana takes to consider the question, Angela crumbles before her.

“I’m sorry,” says she, “I can go.”

“Don’t,” Ana tells her, and Angela, already halfway off of the bed, freezes, “I’m not angry—I just need time to think about this.”

(A lie, Ana has had plenty of time, has thought about this often in the months since her return, about what she would say when this moment comes—and still, she has not decided. Time is not what she needs, but she could not say what it is that might be of more help to her.)

Angela does not say anything, but she does not move further away, either, stays awkwardly half on and half off of the bed.

“Sit down,” she says, and Angela does, but only at the very edge of the bed, carefully avoiding touching Ana, “You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“If you’re sure,” Angela is still cautious, still guarded.

“I am,” Ana says, and considers, for a moment, lying and saying that everything is fine, that she was just surprised, and telling Angela to come lie with her—but she knows it would do them no good. Instead, she forces herself to be honest, “I’m not, however, sure about my feelings. I don’t know,” she pauses again, thinks about how to phrase this, settles on, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to say the same, but you feeling that way isn’t a bad thing, Angela.”

(Very carefully, she avoids saying the word love entirely, not wanting to give any false hope.)

“You’re certain?” Angela asks her, “It doesn’t make you uncomfortable

“It didn’t in the moment,” Ana decides to be honest as possible, “Which was, of course, satisfying as ever,” she winks as she says that, as best as she can, and hopes that a bit of levity will ease the tension.

It does, because Angela gives a little laugh, half nervous but half amused, and relaxes her posture somewhat, saying, “Yes, well, I obviously enjoyed myself a little too much.”

“Hmm,” Ana gestures her over, “Better than not enough. Now come lie down, we’re too old to be so active after sex.” That is mostly said in jest, given the lifestyle they lead, but Ana is tired, if not from physical exertion.

“Alright,” Angela acquiesces, and she is perhaps more hesitant than usual when curling herself around Ana, but she does so—and Ana remembers, suddenly, that neither of them had time to wipe their hands off before this conversation began, and she fights the urge to remark upon it when Angela’s decidedly sticky fingers come to rest on her hip. A bit of discomfort is worth it, to be able to fall asleep in her lover’s arms, to know that despite all her shortcomings, and all that has happened in her life, she is cared for—even loved.

She fears, still, what it would mean to love Angela, fears that they might grow to hate one another, or that she might not be able to cope with being tied down, that their love would die, and she would be worse off for having allowed herself to be vulnerable, in the name of something that could not last.

(Hesitation is a fatal mistake; she learned that when Widowmaker shot her—but she lived nonetheless, and learned, then, that some things are too stubborn to kill.)

But it is all a worry for another day; for now, she is at peace.

#anamercy #ana amari #angela ziegler #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#at least i posted this to the right acct today

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