#i thrived and cried and cried again but it was worth it

[abel-draws]

It's my bday woooo confetti emojiii

Well technically it was on the 20th but i was on a work trip and couldn't celebrate properly until now. Not gonna let that take the chance away from taking in the fact that I've managed to get to 25!

Life is not easy, but I've managed to know myself better and, even if i haven't been able to be at peace with myself just yet, it's nice to feel like some progress is happening. Things aren't as hopeless as one thought

Thanks a lot to everyone who's been by my side, helping me keep my shit together through the many many ups and downs. I put together some of the pics that bring me joy for one reason or another in this post as a bit of a celebration to the art I've done despite it all. Thank you too, art, for existing and making life so, so much better

[tinyfantasminha]

Thoughts on Jack's dream(MASSIVE main story spoilers ahead)

JACKS DREAM got me by the thROAT bc the more I analyze it the more angsty it feels and I alreadfy sobbed n cried and I must SCREAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM He's dreaming of the magift tournament but basically if..... if Leona's plan never took place....... If Leona actually WERE the hero Jack has idolized...... 😭

First I gotta take note dosodkgkfdgjdfkghfdjk hOW JACK YEARNS FOR HIS SENPAI'S PRAISE AND AFFECTION 🥺🥺truly the epitome of loyal, puppy-like behavior..... It doesn't take much for him to be happy… He yearns for the respect and acknowledgement of those he admires. He craves respect and recognition, but not only that—he genuinely wants to see those he admires thrive.

Seems to me that what Jack longs for most is a sense of belonging within a pack. He’s not just devoted to those he holds in high regard; he also desires to be cared for in return (This becomes even more apparent when he asks Ruggie to act as a mentor or older-brother figure in his dorm uniform vignette.) Jack's actions reflect his innate wolf nature—a being built for connection, loyalty, and mutual protection. No matter how much he tells himself or others how he prefers to handle things on his own… We can clearly see that Jack is happier when he’s part of a team, fighting alongside companions who’ve got his back. It’s the dynamic balance of trust: to protect and be protected, to rely on others and let them rely on him in return. It deeply resonates with the essence of wolves.

We often hear the phrase “lone wolf,” an expression of grudging admiration. A lone wolf is often viewed as a rugged individualist, uncompromising and independent, driven to forge his own path, unfettered by the sentimental need for companionship. In reality, few people would ever want to live this way—and, as it turns out, few wolves would either. Wolves, males and females alike, may go through periods alone, but they’re not interested in lives of solitude. A lone wolf is a wolf that is searching, and what it seeks is another wolf. Everything in a wolf’s nature tells it to belong to something greater than itself: a pack. Like us, wolves form friendships and maintain lifelong bonds. They succeed by cooperating, and they struggle when they’re alone. Like us, wolves need one another. (source)

Which is why the factual reality cuts so deeply.

After Ortho wakes Jack up (in oUTER SPACE DKJGDSDKFJGKJS that was so adventitious but so cool.....) and Jack falls down like a meteorite (ALSO SUPER COOL BUT WTF.....) Fake!Leona and Fake!Ruggie rush to his side, Leona softly reassures him, saying it’s a relief he’s uninjured and advising him not to be so reckless while Ruggie says ''You're a promising rookie. Our treasure.'' (I started crying here.)

Jack breaks into a bitter, despairing laugh as the truth crashes down on him. The sincerity and warmth his “upperclassmen” showed in that moment? It wasn’t real. It never actually happened. Jack recounts his excitement when he first joined Savanaclaw, eager to fight alongside the dormmates he admired so much. He talks about how he had watched Leona’s play three years ago—over and over again, captivated by it. He reveals the painful truth of discovering their wicked plan, the frustration of being unable to snap them out of it, and the overwhelming helplessness that consumed him.

I gotta say, I'm SO HAPPY that Jack's feelings on the events of book 2 were finally properly addressed now (cause let's be real, book 2 uhh... did kinda a shitty job at this 💀 Neither the narrative nor the fandom really took the time to explore the emotional impact it had on him, which is such a disservice to his character.)

Think about it from Jack’s perspective. He was obsessed with Leona's play 3 years ago, watching it over and over again. In his eyes, Leona was a hero, someone worth idolizing to the point of projecting an idealized image of him: an earnest, hardworking, honorable leader. When Jack finally had the chance to join Savanaclaw and be part of the dorm he had admired so deeply, what was his reality? Ostracization, bullying and even physical violence from some of his dorm mates (as shown in Leona's dorm uniform vignette) And worst of all? Jack was met with his idol’s true, treacherous side—dirty tactics, underhanded schemes, and a willingness to harm others to achieve his goals. When Jack tried to confront them about it, he wasn’t met with understanding or respect. Instead, he was called a “filthy traitor” and a “spoiled brat”—by the very person he admired most. It’s a complete dismantling of everything Jack believed in, everything he worked for.

It's a shame the game and manga did not give enough weight to Jack’s feelings, (the novel seems to do a better job at it though) but now it’s clear just how much this hurt him. It wasn’t just a setback; it was a deep, personal betrayal that shook him to his core.

He’s only a first-year. Beneath his gruff demeanor and physical strength, Jack is still a boy—pure-hearted, earnest, and full of hope. All he wanted was to stand beside those he respected most but what he got instead was disappointment, betrayal, and rejection. To idolize someone so deeply, only to have that image crushed in the most personal, gut-wrenching way........ Savanaclaw doesn't deserve him 💔

.

,,,,okay forgive me to break the essay to talk about this but I'm going insane over the fact fake Ruggie ominously coos, ''Hey puppy-chan you're a good boy so come here.....'' UGHGHHHDSHNGDSHNDGSHHHnnnnhhHHHH HE IS BASICALLY SAVANACLAW'S UNOFFICIAL MASCOT,,,,,,, their loyal little puppy 🥺🥺🥺😭😭

fake ruggie and fake leona try to lure him in to sleep again, but Jack says he has no intention of fighting alongside fakes and defeats them 😌

And we get this utterly precious moment where Jack praises Yuu and Grim for having guts and persevering through everything and he PETS GRIM'S HEAD............ HE DIDN'T NEED TO COMFORT THEM BUT AWWAAHBBBAYYAWYWYHAWWABYWAWAYAA

I can't wait to see what role he'll play in Leona's dream 😌 Jack’s arc feels like it’s finally getting the weight it deserves… 🙏🙏🙏

[alchemicaladarna]

Hi sorry, I'm ill about the soul vulture arc again. Because q!Bad made choices in his grief, in his rage, thinking he will never feel an ounce of happiness again because he thought his kids were dead. Q!Bad's Acceptance was never of accepting that grief and learning to live after it, but rather, it was the silent admission that his children were dead and there was nothing he could do. No rage, no monster, no demon, no power in heaven or hell could bring them back. It was Acceptance. But the cruel twist of fate was the fact that he was wrong. Pomme, Dapper, and the other eggs were alive, actually. By the time he found out, however, it was already too late. He was long gone, and every choice has a consequence, and he suffered the consequences of his choices like hell.

Q!Bad was dead long before he fell in the lavender field one hundred feet away from the house his children built. One hundred steps away from his sleeping children he fought so hard to keep safe, under all costs. He died the night they were taken away, because they were his soul, his happiness. Everything that mattered in the millenia he's existed, nothing could compare to his children. He died that night; and all those months where it seemed like he was alive, where he was "healing" was the grim reaper bargaining with himself to hold on a little longer for his children.

Q!Bad loved Dapper and Pomme, and Richas, and all the eggs- he loved them so much it hurt. He loved them so much that love became his hell- his purgatory. Q!Bad loved them until the moment he finally stepped in his grave and couldn't bargain any more.

He deteriorated for months. He was literally melting from the inside. The vultures pecked at his body and fractured his soul. The radiation melted the skin off his limbs, and the brain inside his skull. It hurt like no other death, but if it meant seeing his kids for one more day, then that hell was more than worth it. And the physical pain wasn't the worst of it- no, eventually, he forgot his children's names, their faces, he forgot his own name, and he forgot himself. Memories slipping away like lost fragments of time. Until his death, when he was barely himself anymore.

People noticed, but never really did anything to stop it did they? I mean, who are we kidding, even if anyone spoke up, nothing they could have done would have prevented the inevitable. Dapper knew the fate his father subjected himself to. She knew what scars from soul vultures looked like, and she tried to find a cure. He tried, when he still had his lab, but there was never enough time. No science or magic could ever remedy what was already destined to happen.

And Pomme, sweet Pomme, stayed with her father until the end. She gave him health potions- "medicine"- to help his ailments. And she had so much hope she lived in denial- she thought he was getting better. But the truth is that the memory lapses and the illness never ceased because no medicine could ever resurrect a fractured soul clinging on to his deceased body.

Then Q!Bad finally relinquished himself to the sweet mercy of death. And when he arrived, he found the promise of paradise- the promise of Home, where he would never have had to suffer a painful hell again. But he chose to come back to live and to suffer once more because this time, his children were waiting on the other side. For the first time, the scales were balanced, and his happiness was halved because he had a home that was worth living in, and a life that was worth living. For the first time in the millennia q!bad had been alone, he had love. And that was enough.

The story has always been about love and loss, and the beauty of love and life, despite that loss. That's why the soul vultures arc is my favorite, and also why I nearly cried halfway through writing this. Because love thrives in spite of the loss, and the grief, and the personal hell. When death comes, and it always does, and time has eroded every portrait, or photograph, or memory- all that is left is love. And that love is hope, as well as grief. It is joy and sadness. It is heaven and hell. It is simply love.

[froggy-anon]

I don’t smoke (Except for when I'm missing you)

Paring: pre re2!Ada Wong x gn!reader

Prompt: Your relationship with Ada was… let’s just say rocky for a while now. Low contact, constant work trips and unavoidable arguments while she’s home- it’s just too much. You both changed since she started working with Wesker …, and so did your body.

Warnings:  angst, body horror, no use of y/n, maybe nsft?, implied reader’s death, bebe you get infected so yeah but it wasn't meant to happen at least, semi-dependant reader, use of tobacco, vomiting, shitty punctuation and misuse of commas, canon divergence, semi-good ending???? idk

Word count: 2.3k 

Notes: omg did I finally post something instead of keeping it in my wips?? hell yeah! I might not be hyperfixating on RE now but I can't get Ada off my head. I mean- just look at her! She's perfect<3 Fucking hell it took me A LONG time to finally finish it but shh… Also only after writing did I realize that the idea is very similar to this fic my @uhlunaro so definitely check this out bc they’re an amazing writer<3

Actually proofread (like ½ for sure) by me omg

It all happened too fast; it was just the usual Thursday morning, the smell of freshly ground coffee and the familiar scent of your lover were in the air as you made the breakfast and the eggs you made were perfectly crispy with runny yolk. Everything seemed to be like it used to but then the call happened… You knew who was it, everyone knew because who else would it be? It was supposed to be your day, you both took the day off and you spent the last few days planning everything out. It was your anniversary, the day you should celebrate your love and not some emergency in the lab! But of course… She was gone again. 

“Why can’t you just pretend that you love me for once!?,” was the last thing you cried out screamed at her as she left. It’s just painful to know that even today her work is more important. It left you weeping softly on the floor, as the yolk of the egg spilled more and more towards your feet from the plate you broke. “Why can’t we be a normal couple…” Your tears had flown out even more now that you were alone.

Ada never liked when you smoked, she always said it left this awful scent on your fingers and breath but why would you care now? A soft breeze hit your face as you inhaled the smoke from your cigarette, who’d think that living near the river could be so nice? Loving Ada is tiring, she used to be one of the most caring and loving people you’ve ever known- even before you started dating! And now it all changed… Yeah, working in some big pharma company can be tiring but it’s ruining both of you. 

The butt of the cigarette was still slowly burning as you looked in the distance. She used to tell you how she grew up near the sea, how they used to go there every day after school and play until the dawn came. She used to say how she’d take me to her hometown in China. You never were even close to one, your parents used to take you and your brother to the countryside on holidays or visit the lake near your hometown; it wasn’t the same though. Loving Ada was never easy, she had her own problems as well as you had yours but before all this you both managed to heal, to thrive. You should’ve left when it started, before all the arguments and hate. It’s not a new idea but the thought of being alone again is scary. Ugh, you’re thinking too much, it makes you dizzy. Or maybe was it the cigarette?

You always get dizzy, maybe all this overthinking is too much for you. You head towards the kitchen sink and fill up a glass with the tap water. It was just a small argument, it wasn’t worth all the mess. You never thought that water would make you feel worse, no one would! We need it to live, so why your insides are burning? Who cares, anyway the mess won’t clean itself. It doesn’t feel right, nothing feels right. The burning sensation might’ve stopped but it was replaced with this sore, almost itchy feeling. Ada came home late again, she’s not looking better than you but as you greet her you could see a spark of worry in her eyes. Why would she worry? There’s nothing to worry about, right? All you can do is sigh and act like nothing happened, she surely flinches when you kiss her because she’s still annoyed over today’s morning…

You woke up somehow more tired than before you went to sleep. Funny enough you also look like shit. Yeah, you can tell yourself that you caught a cold but if so, then why does my body itch so much? Ada looks less worried than tomorrow but finally is some more affectionate than usual. Maybe the fight made her think finally.

You miss her touch though; the way she smuggles up to your chest and how soft are her lips. You miss how she used to be so good. You miss how your life was before this Wesker guy. Good, she’s warming up again. She kissed you goodbye and said something about coming home later. Weird…

It’s itching, itching so much. It feels like something is under your skin and it’s moving… It sure has to be a delusion, a hallucination maybe but it feels so real. Let’s try to calm down. okay? You can’t go to work while being such a mess and after all some DayQuill will help you a ton. You go to the kitchen and prepare some breakfast before popping some cold meds. You brush your still tangled hair to the side and oh my… I- it’s weird, you always had strong and healthy hair after all so why a clump of them is in your hand right now? I mean, I guess all all of the stress lately finally got to you, being a news reporter is not easy and it shouldn’t be. You sure will feel better when you’re finally in your work wear and clean face.

As soon as you get to the bathroom you hit the sink and rinse your face. It’s dry and surprisingly harder than always. As you lift your head and you look in the mirror, the rougher parts of your face look bruised. And there are some lacerations which weren’t there when you woke up- Ada would point them out for sure. It’s weird but that’s nothing that some makeup can’t fix. Also, it’s not like you can just get a day off at a whim. The amount of concealer you put on your face is enough to put a gyaru inro shame and yet your face still feels wrong and itchy. You brush your hair getlly while trying to not rip out another chunk of your hair and put on your usual shirt and blazer before putting on short heels on your sore and reddish feet. You sat at the vanity waiting for your usual makeup artist to return and rehearse your lines. It’s so hard to focus on the letters and it feels like you’re in a haze. It’s hard to explain really, mostly because it’s hard to form coherent thoughts too. No matter how much you rub your eyes and take small breaks you just can’t focus on anything. Words on the paper are blurry and there's always a silhouette of something or someone in the corner of your vision. It hurts and you’re almost sure that your feet are bleeding. You don’t even realize when the makeup artist has returned and been putting some TV stick on your face until she gets to the painful lesions you passed as some chemical burn from a face mask. Your concept of time is distorted and looking back now you don’t even remember when you and your colleague went live. Funny… You got suddenly sick and now you’re delivering the news of the water reservoir your apartment complex uses being contaminated.

Black tar filled your lungs making your trachea burn so pleasantly. The smoke inside your lungs made you feel so giddy right before you exhale. Cigarettes always help you take your mind off your problems and help preserve good emotions. You know that one day they will be the end of you, but it’s not like you’re gonna live forever so why not have fun now? 

Shadowy figures followed you home from the studio, it’s surprising that you managed to work your usual shift. Even your coworkers caught on your ailing and lying to them that you’re just a bit under the weather felt bad. Bills ain’t gonna pay themselves though so you gotta do what you gotta do. Ada didn’t say anything about your illness and only looked at you pitifully compassionately before kissing your cheek, she even offered to make a dinner for today. You pulled into a hug and her warm touch against your calloused skin reminded you of the old times, of the days you first met and how beautiful your relationship was. She smelled like honey and antiseptics, you couldn’t stop yourself from taking a deep breath of her scent which made your heart flutter. Her skin is so soft and delicate, making you want to bite down and taste her flesh push her against the counter and take her whole, she’s your wife after all. Before you can do that though she pulls away and makes a beeline towards the fridge. The packs of water, the ones that appeared in your kitchen a few days ago, took your attention away from her. You couldn’t help but feel a bit suspicious.

You didn’t sleep much- in fact, you didn’t sleep at all. Your body just kept itching and the nausea you felt as you forced down the dinner before got progressively worse. You can feel your body changing, turning into something disgusting as your skin gets progressively covered in more bruises and blisters where it seemed to be just irritated this morning. The taste of pennies in your mouth and dry skin on your lips isn’t doing you any favour either. It was only a matter of time before you ended up hunched over the toiled letting the dark ooze flow out of your stomach freely. Your vision kept spinning and those black creatures you saw before were coming closer. It’s not real, it has to be! Just try to remember that whatever you’re seeing is. not. real.

Throwing up usually makes you feel better; not this time though. Your eyes became watery and your fingers bloody as you gripped the toilet bowl. The odour of rotting flesh filled your nostrils and the sickeningly sweet note of it made you gag again. You dealt with rotten meat before on a few occasions and it never was so sweet.

“Shit!”

You broke out of your trance as the bathroom lit up.  Your head shot in the direction of the sound and of course, you noticed your worried lover standing in the doorway. Only a grunt was able to leave your mouth making your throat ache. “Are you okay?” She asked hesitantly as she approached. She looks scared for some reason? You’re just a bit sick, there’s no reason to be scared!

And then you looked down. The toilet was full of brownish-blackish and thick fluid and definitely not dinner. The sides of the toilet were covered in your blood and one of your nails was lying on the floor directly next to the bowl. You take a look at your hands and it makes your breath quicken. Your fingers were all purple and greenish, even some of the tips of your fingers were, unlike the spots on your skin, bloated.

“What the fuck is happening to me?” Your voice was husky and every word felt like a razor being pulled out of your throat. Ada just looked sad… You’d expect her to be scared, to scram, run away, but instead, she just kneeled next to you and pulled you into a loose embrace, as if she was scared to hurt you more.

It pained you, the lightest touch of her silky pyjamas or her warm hands made your skin feel like it was breaking and about to fall off. It was excruciating yet you laid your head gently on her shoulder. You should be scared, furious! You should feel whatever else than sorrow and warmth inside your chest. A few tears flew down your cheeks onto her arm as you bit down on your lip to stop a pathetic sob from escaping. You could feel her hand slowly crase your head like she always did before you used to fall asleep before your life became occupied by jealousy and your jobs took over your time, before your relationship went downhill. She let out a barely audible “I’m sorry…” and you swear you felt her breath hitch.

They are scratching your brain, you can feel every bone in your body change its shape, or maybe you’re just going insane.

Ada is making phone calls in the kitchen as you sit at the dinner table and scratch your fingers, eventually ripping one or two loose fingernails off. She keeps glancing at you while trying her best to hide the fear in her eyes. Damn, a cigarette would be good now… You can feel your muscles tear with your every move and slowly fall off your bones. Necrosis on your skin expands and only a few spots on your body are left the same colour as before.

It hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts ithurts ithurts ithurts ithurtsithutsithurtsithutrsithurst i t h u r t s  s o  b a d l y.

Suddenly you can smell the familiar scent of honey and now Ada’s shampoo as she wraps her hands around you from behind. She looks so soft and tasty, so vulnerable. Her touch hurts so good you want to fall into her tight embrace, squeeze her waist tightly and fuse into one. It makes you feel loved again… And then your body stops aching.

You felt sudden force against your neck like you were punched, and then something lukewarm flowing down your chest as Ada creases your cheek slowly. It hurts for a while until it just stops. Everything just fades…

“I don't smoke Except for when I'm missing you To remember your mouth, how it Tasted true And I don't smoke Except for after I've held you, baby Being with you Makes the flame burn good”

It took me so long to finally post something but here it is! I hope you like the creation of euphoric me because let's be real, no way I'd write this fully without being euphoric :3 Technically it should've been posted on Pride Month but shh...

Dividers: @cafekitsune p1 p2

Song: I don't smoke by Mitski

©2023, froggy-anon and their related entities. All rights reserved.

[tuliplips]

first day after breaking up with him i cried unstoppably. anything and everything made me cry and sob. then something shifted in me and i had a really nice week focusing on myself. i felt pretty good, confident even. i felt strong, like i did myself a favour, proud. and i also felt hopeful somehow. hopeful for better things to come. hopeful in knowing i deserve so much love and i am amazing. this feeling lasted a week and it felt so good, empowering.

then he called me and said he wanted to meet up. i said yes. next day we were supposed to meet, he bails on me half an hour before meeting because he had to do shit for his family. he said i’ll see you tomorrow. tomorrow comes around, bails on me again, at the time we were supposed to be meeting. very short messages. barely talking to me. giving me nothing. when i said he doesn’t respect me he said no it’s not true. i said you can call me later. he said sure. it’s been a week and i haven’t heard a single thing.

since then i’ve been feeling devastated. the confident and empowered and trusting feeling i was having (or faking) has left me. constantly having him pop in my brain with everything i do. i can see him in my minds eye. i see him in everyone on the street too. i check my phone a million times per hour. it’s honestly insane. and i’m not even really sure if i even like him anymore. or if i want to be with him or not. or if i really did. i don’t know. there are things i didn’t like. but i also felt like so full of love for him, wanting him to thrive and be his best most vibrant self.

i’m not sure about anything anymore but it’s like i can’t seem to let it go. it’s like being a fucking junkie desperately looking for a fix. i realise now also that it’s extra hard to let go because i don’t have much going on my life right now. i want to have fun and see other people, go out with friends, have a job, have joy, but im battling chronic illness and trying to manage symptoms daily. i struggle to take care of myself like making food and washing dishes. i live in a daze of brain fog and fatigue. he was like the first happy thing i had in a really long time. he was my first sliver of hope, of joy, of lightness in a really dark couple years. it makes sense that it’s hard to let go of that. he made me feel like things are possible again. like life may be worth living again. i felt like he suffers but me too and we can be a strong team. and his eyes! oh god his eyes. the way he would stare at me for minutes and minutes. it’s hard to let go of his eyes. and the feeling of safety when laying on his chest.

i know i’m going to be okay though. but i need to get through this now. and also try to not have shame about these feelings. let them be here. they’re okay to have and to feel.

[pardonmydelays]

how was tick tick boom?

oh, where do i even begin...

first of all, i need to say that our polish team did an amazing job (absolutely incredible & talented cast + the translation was really good, not perfect but good enough, more about it later tho). we really have amazing actors in this shitty country tbh & that only makes me want to see more of our productions.

i need you to take a look at this amazing set, because i am just so obsessed with it:

(if you look closely, you can spot les mis, phantom of the opera, west side story & cats on these walls hehe)

so first of all, this set, wonderful set, second of all, THE TICKING SOUND! you could hear it before the show even began and honestly i already had tears in my eyes.

let me tell you i am always that weirdo who cries at the very first song, so yes, i literally burst into tears when i heard the first notes of 30/90. it was also one of my favourite moments from the entire show, along with no more, sugar & why (and i knew i was gonna have a mental breakdown at why, because it's my favourite song from the show, but no more & sugar were a huge surprise for me because they are not my faves, the performance tho! the choreography! OMG!!! I NEED TO SEE THAT AGAIN!!!). the biggest disappointments when it comes to the songs were... green, green dress (not the performance, it's just the translation that didn't really work for me - for my polish mutuals, they translated it into "zielony cud" & i'm sorry but that's a nope for me) & boho days BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY REMOVED IT FROM THE SHOW??? the way i was blasting boho days on a loop days before seeing tick tick boom live & it wasn't even in the show, it's a fucking crime. the rest of the songs were great tho. i couldn't stop crying at come to your senses, that was the moment™️. 10/10, would recommend.

also, the theatre kid in me was literally thriving when jon asked the audience if they know who his musical theatre hero is, because he only said his first & last name starts with the letter S & a few people started screaming STEPHEN SONDHEIM! such a proud nerd moment for me! (tbh even the actor seemed to be surprised or maybe he was just acting lol i can't tell but it was so cool).

SPOILER ALERT!

i just need to mention it very quickly, at the very end of the show jon got a phone call from sondheim (which you all probably know about) & he said "you have a bright future ahead of you" & this line fucking destroyed me, like... i wasn't there for fun. i was there for jonathan larson. bright future you say... well. jon, you could have done so much more if you only had time... i will never stop crying about it, i'm sorry.

overall, it was such a beautiful show. as much as i love the movie, seeing it live in theatre is a whole other experience & it's truly life-changing. if you ever get a chance, go see it, please. it's totally worth it!

[greyskyflowers]

Something about devotionals and spiritual songs applying to crews

Something about the wonderful, choking feeling of devotion

Something about creating your own gods and calling them captain

Blood, salt, sacrifice, love

They are their own gods

Calling ships home like makeshift alters

Mouths wet with promises made in wine and sake

Swearing devotion and love to each other in small ways. Where are we going next and we'll will try again tomorrow and yes captain.

Pressing bloody hands against each other's skin like hands clasped together in prayer

They offer strength and belief, worth more than any gold that's worn their fingerprints

What use is gold and other material items when you hold someone's love in your hand? When they call their life yours and you call your life theirs with all the breath in your lungs?

They haunt each other and linger like incense

Not in the horror film way but in the way that they carry each other all the way down to the dust that makes up their bones

Scars healing in raised and embroidered skin, spelling names and memorials for every drop of blood freely offered

Tears of sorrow, relief, pain, happiness all leaving the same watery trails on each other's skin

All the echos of each other that linger in simple things. A song stuck in their head, a favorite fruit, a fondness for the smell of a certain brand of cigarettes.

How many times have they bleed on each other? Held torn skin together and demanded life with a viciousness that only comes from the risk of losing something priceless, digging your nails into it and grinding your teeth because this is mine. They are mine. I am theirs.

How much of their skin would be covered with marks of each other if all the blood that touched their skin stained it?

All the places left sacred and scarred

Nothing growing or absolutely everything growing

Blood, salt, and truth to water the roots and turn the soil

Blood, salt, and truth to kill the roots and burn the soil

Life thrives on sacrifice

Life cries for sacrifice

Thriller Bark

Marineford

The sea herself

Every jump in the sea, to catch an anchor and carry it's weight to the surface, is a baptism.

And good god, isn't being human, being free, a holy thing?

[fictionaltrvlr-fics]

lacy, oh lacy... || y. belova

I had the realization the other day while listening to Oliva Rodrigo that Natasha was Yelena's Lacy, and I made this. It's fairly harsh towards Natasha, which is obviously not my feelings, just attempting to show what I think Yelena's perspective was. This is set over the course of the Black Widow movie 🖤

Words: 700ish

Warnings: angst, regret, mentions of death, jealousy, grief, mentions of revenge, vague references to the trauma of the red room. this is sad lol

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Pain and suffering is every day and we are both still a trained killer. Except I’m not the one that’s on the cover of a magazine. I'm not the killer that little girls call their hero.

Yelena hated Natasha. She hated her beauty. She hated her success. She envied her freedom. Her stomach churned at her sister's naivety. That ridiculous belief that they could somehow make up for the horrors, that Yelena would ever truly be free.

She was not naive. She understood the truth of who they were. What Natasha suggested - what she seemed to believe - was impossible. Yelena lived with it every day; was haunted by that truth every day. She was convinced that nothing could ever make up for it, nothing. So why bother pretendending they were anything else?

And yet here was her sister- No, she thought, not her sister, because Natasha didn’t want that. Didn’t want her.

She despised her own jealousy. She shuddered at her own worship of the older widow. Her misplaced faith in the false god she had begged to rescue her.

But most of all, Yelena hated the love Natasha was met with everywhere her feet fell. That somehow, against the odds, everyone forgot who the two women really were.

No, she stoped herself again because, no, they didn’t forget who she was, they only forgot her would-be-sister, their precious “Black Widow.”

Yelena’s stomach tied in knots over everyone who loved her sister, the adoration that followed her like puppies. The family- the family she loved so much.

Why were the two of them so different? Why was she hated, pushed aside, forgotten- and yet Natasha had her own statue. Her face on a cereal box. A barbie, of all things. It would be laughable if it weren’t so horrible. Little girls cosplaying the effects of her abduction, her torture. Children playing at assasins, while her childhood had been ripped away.

And Natasha seemed to thrive on it, she had accepted it. Wasn’t she just the best thing to ever exist? Yelena scoffed.

Everything Yelena did, all the horrors she shut out, every time she broke control, every time she saved a life, every time she resisted; was poisoned by the knowledge that she could never live up to… to that. 

Her heart twisted at her abandonment. Why had the Avenger never come back for her? Was she not worthy of avenging; her pain not as deep as the others? Or was Natasha really just that much better? So perfect that it covered over all the blood she’d spilled.

Yelena sat at Natasha's grave, every Saturday for three months. Her head rested on the hand gripping the top of her sister’s headstone.

And she apologized. Again, and again, she wept and she cried over the years wasted believing her sister; her Natasha, had abandoned her. Had left her to fend for herself. Had left her for the hero worship. For her fancy new family that must have been worth more than those precious few months in Ohio. 

She apologized for making Natasha the villain in her story. She apologized for everything that had made her resent the woman she had far too little time with. She spoke to the empty space Natahsha had left, wishing for a last embrace, something to hold on to. I'm not doing well.

Her sister was angel dust and she was alone. Again. 

Natasha never abandoned her. Even now, she hadn't left. She has been stolen. Ripped away, right as Yelena had learned she was loved by the sister she'd loathed and the sister she'd worshiped for so long.

No more dreaming of a perfect Natasha coming back for her, folding her into that coveted family. No more hope. She couldn't even be mad at her any longer. And she tried, it would have been easier than this; this all-consuming sadness. But she couldn’t. She couldn't hate Natasha.

And with this realization came another. That there was one person she could hate. One man that could pay for all those years of pain and longing and jealousy and profound loneliness. The man who had stolen that time, not only from her, but for himself.

No one would survive splitting the widows.

No one.

[slut-for-a-good-latte]

"i can't wait to read us"

you said.

so, this.

it is thursday. three days before my birthday. i am sitting at an outdoor brewery, the one i keep telling you about, and i am pretending to work. i am not really working; i am, as i do so often recently, thinking of you. writing about you. remembering you. remembering your hands and your mouth and watching you cook in the dim light of your kitchen and you bringing us more wine as we watch supernatural.

it's a very silly feeling. i think at this juncture i may be in love with you. which i will not say to you. i know we promised open communication. but there are, i think, rules to be followed.

i am not distressed by this revelation. it feels as though i am a fish realizing, suddenly, that i am surrounded by water. it is simply where i am. where i thrive. my natural environment, you might say.

i have some suspicions that this might be it. for awhile at least. can't tell the future, of course.

you make me feel smart and like i am worth listening to. you also are so, so, incredibly, beautifully fucking smart. i could listen to you talk about anything. i want to listen to you talk about anything.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

it is friday and you have slept late. i woke up to messages from you about how much you miss me, how you talked about me, how i should be there to warm your chest with my head and watch dumb movies with you. you are the first thing that comes to mind when i wake up now. i am inordinately disappointed i won't be seeing you today.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

evelyn.

i've had that name picked out for a long time. i mentioned it the other night. you seemed to short circuit.

is it odd i am thinking about doing the whole baby thing with you?

while i was in berlin, in the little airbnb we were staying in, i had a few moments alone. i'd walked to the grocery store and hauled a bag of white wine, bread, cheese, and almonds back to an empty apartment. and in my head, i pictured you on the couch with someone small. i pictured music playing softly in the background as you bounced a girl on your knee and kissed her soft blonde head. i pictured setting my bags on the table and asking, how are my loves? did you miss me? and you answering, laughing, of course we did, didn't we, darling? maybe it would be a date night. we'd have a show to catch, or dinner reservations to make. a sitter would be on the way. we'd spend the first part of the evening enjoying the wine and the bread and marveling at this small wonder of a person that is both of us and more than us.

evangeline. cassiopeia. calliope. cassandra. emmeline. lina. olivia.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

it is two days after my birthday and i am exhausted. all i can think about is you. it's a little silly how much i find myself missing you after spending the whole of the weekend wrapped around you.

things i do not want to fade from memory:

dancing at cheers. glancing back to see you filming me. smiling like i am the brightest thing you have ever seen.

cheshire-cat grin as you explain how some guy talked to you at length about fucking me before hurrying away when you told him, "she's coming home with me tonight."

dancing, again, but with you this time. spinning. orbiting. your hands.

kissing me triumphantly at midnight. you beat paetyn.

of course, really, really good sex after we stumbled home.

later, when we met with paisley - you bought me an ice cream in the shape of batman. it turned my tongue blue. it didn't have dairy in it. i could have cried.

listening to you chat with the bartender. i am finding i adore particularly listening to you talk to people with such earnest open interest.

you returning from leaving the table and grazing my back with your hand.

you talked with me about my writing so readily. so excitedly. not because you had to or because i asked or had to fish for a response. you read my work and reread it enough to form wonderful opinions about it and i love that.

teaching me how to shoot pool. "yes, baby!" when i sank a shot.

"too high, drop it lower - good girl."

the uber ride laying in your lap. staring up at you. your eyes shimmered. i was drunk enough i almost let it slip. i didn't. but i thought it, hard, hoping you'd feel what i wanted to say without me saying it. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

tuna melts. so incredibly wonderful. made better because you seemed so happy to be making them. and we ate them and fell asleep watching supernatural.

three times the next morning. three times. each time different and lovely and perfect. i want to live all the time with the feeling of you inside me. it is religious.

"you're such a good girl, you take it so well"

three times, not even counting all the other moments where it was just you enjoying me, all eager exploring mouth and gentle hands.

wine walk. discussing our befores. somehow, not uncomfortable.

reading on your couch. tired, tipsy, not feeling much like talking. letting the sound of your voice fill my chest with warmth.

it's a non-exhaustive list. i could, i think, write for hours about each thing you do that makes my heart swell. but for now i need to nap.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

i came by again on a tuesday night, and my sleep schedule is definitely suffering for it. it is entirely and completely worth it.

you wrote about me. i slept next to you and you played with my hair and lips, which i didn't notice, and you wrote about me.

you have an isosceles triangle on your back. your freckles form a perfect right angle. pythagoras, i think, was talking about you when he decided that truth could be found in perfect mathematics. you are perfect. your angles are divine.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

tinned fish in our underwear.

you held my hand while i told you all the ways i am cruel to myself. squeezed it like you understood. showed me dents in your refrigerator that explained exactly how much you understood.

you made us toast points while i spoke very plainly about things i am used to being ashamed of. and you held my hand. flinched when i mentioned how it had happened in the time since we have known each other. (maybe i imagined this part. but to me, it seemed as though you were wincing for the fact that you could not hold my hand then the way that you hold it now. or maybe not.)

i really love tinned fish. and you. you and tinned fish are my favorite combination.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

my thighs are littered in bruises. each are the shape of your fingertips. small. delicate. real, painful little reminders of your hands on me. i am obsessed with them. they are beautiful colorful stunning pieces of evidence that i have not made you up.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

i whispered i love you into your hair this morning while you slept on me.

when i left, i drove past you walking up the hill. i blew you a kiss. you caught it. blew one back.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

i am drinking earl grey tea and sparkling water, eating a panini that, honestly, darling, you could have done much better.

you are everywhere all the time. beautiful days make me think fondly of how much you will love to feel the sun on your face when you leave your apartment. cold breezes and rain make me think of curling up against you and sleeping the whole morning through, reveling in the sound of uninterrupted drizzle and the way your breath feels against my neck as you doze. earl grey tea makes me wish you were here enjoying a cup of coffee with me, nudging my bare leg with your foot.

you are everywhere. i miss you every moment i am not with you. but that is alleviated some by the way that you kiss me with every breeze that brushes across my cheeks and a patch of pure wonderful sunlight is the same as being held in your arms.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“you can’t hide these marks from me baby. i’m never going to judge you for them. i just want to kiss them.”

i thought i heard you say “i love-“ while you were kissing my chest this morning. i don’t know if you did. but i would like to think that you can’t help but think i love you when you’re inside me with your arms wrapped completely around me. i would like to think we are on the same page about this too.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

we've said it, and i've read most of this out to you, so i suppose there's nothing stopping me from posting it.

it's been three days of existing in your space and i have adored every minute. i adore you every minute. i have never felt peace quite as all encompassing.

i love you. i don't know what else there is to say about it. but there will be more. you keep finding ways to make me need to come on here and spill my love all over a blank page.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

i've decided to keep adding to this, because i like the idea of a long, never-ending record of all the ways i adore you.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Nature #4 with Curtis and honey

Oh I loved this setting for these two in particular. Thank you, babes!

Send me an Ask from this Smutty Locations Prompt list

Life Is Short So Make It Sweet Masterlist

As always this is an 18+ ONLY Blog

Your face pressed against the cold glass of the doors leading onto the back deck of the rented cabin. Your face smudged against it as your eyes rolled back, shivers going down your spine as you pushed your ass back for more. The brightness of the snowstorm just outside glinting in the day's light made you acutely aware of how visible you were.

If you weren't arched to your toes, that sensation would have made them curl. You never let anyone see you like this before, except for Curtis.

A warm calloused hand grasped your ass cheek, spreading your cheeks apart while Curtis's slicked his tongue through your pussy, grunting at the taste of your swollen lips, all the cream escaping you that he couldn't get enough of. His fingers were buried in you, pumping in and out to keep you full while he enjoyed tasting you. "I'm never going to get tired of seeing you like this Honey."

He leaned back enough to admire you, your chest leaning against the snowy glass while your ass arched back, raised on your tiptoes for now to give him the perfect access to your pussy. Your muscles taunt and quiver holding yourself like this, but he was thankful you were willing.

Your pussy wept for him, even as his fingers continued stroking you. His beard scratched parts of you, making you all that more swollen and glistening in the light of day. The snow billowing down in large fluffy flakes, building high on the porch gave a bright glow to just behind you.

"Seeing me like what?" You whined, your ass wriggling just a bit to entice him back, which he ran a palm over, squeezing your cheek.

"This Pretty Girl, fuck you are so beautiful like this and all mine." Just his words alone made you clench his fingers, pulsing with the need to finish.

You felt heat creep into your cheeks, his praise making your belly flutter. A year ago, you were so scared to let him see you, last Christmas at the cabin you finally let him give you oral, only at night with almost no light so he couldn't see you so closely. Now you were displayed in the same cabin in the middle of the day, thriving off him being able to see, taste and touch you. "You talk like you haven't seen me before like this ." Granted you were still coming to terms with letting him see all of you, not just the parts you thought were worth it, but you were still scared of the day he might get tired of all your imperfections.

You felt him come closer, his breath hot against the base of your spine as he kissed there and then down your ass cheeks, biting into their fullness to tease you, making you arch again with a tremble. "Honey, every single fucking time I get to be with you in any way you want me to be, I'm gonna treat it like the gift it is."

His face buried back against you, his mouth sucking on your clit and you gasped, grinding against his face while your hands streaked down the cold glass, the snow in your vision blurring till it looked like falling white sparks instead of heavy Minnesota snow. "Curtis, I'm gonna cum." You gasped, hot breath fogging the glass.

"Please do Pretty Girl, that is my favorite part." His tone muffled in your pussy, his tongue lapping at your tender parts till you cried out his name, riding your high.

From behind you, Curtis grunted, his cock throbbing for attention now. While you shook and quivered before him, letting yourself lower back to the flat of your feet, holding onto the cabin's glass door as best as you could. His hand wrapped around his cock, pumping himself while he simply admired you enjoying your moment.

But temptation is too great and he wanted to hear you make that pretty sound of yours again. He raised behind you, his hands sliding along the fullness of your hips as he pressed against you from behind, letting you feel the entire form of his body pinning you against the glass. "You going to fuck me now Curtis?" You pushing your ass back into him, clear invitation for it. "I don't know if I can keep standing."

"Don't worry Honey, I won't let you fall."

[blogger-yura]

Entry #47 June 12th '23

#YurasLife #DailyYura #SpringMemories

𝐃𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐘𝐮𝐫𝐚- Life recap ♡

Hello hello once again, my friends! Ah, it's been quite some time, hasn't it? Almost a year, really... Did you think I was gone forever? I could never! Life has just been... Challenging, I'd say (→.←)

Ah, so many faces I don't know... Coming back after so long surely does have some PROS and CONS, uh? I will apologize, shouldn't have left without a "see you soon"! I hope everyone's doing just fine, though. Those who stayed and those who didn't, too.

What have you all been up to during the last year or so? I wonder! If you're new here, you should know I LOVE hearing your stories and interacting! Please never doubt (over)sharing with me, my favorite thing is connecting with you guys! Me? I've been up to quite some stuff! Allow me to begin sharing first... ﾟ.+:｡∩(・ω・)∩ﾟ.+:｡

In the last year, I've dyed my hair around 5 times, traveled 3 countries, visited family for a whole month, cried my heart out many times, perfected my business, took on modeling jobs, took on new challenges, missed people dear to me, lost people, made some new friends, but overall in the last year I have grown. I've grown so much. I've gotten to know myself, my limits, what I deserve and am willing to take from others.

I've bettered myself as a friend, a sister, a daughter.

So many people has come and gone... I think my greatest achievement has been being able to let go of the things holding me back, making me doubt myself, causing me anxiety and fear of giving the world a taste. My greatest achievement has totally been allowing myself to be me unconditionally.

I've figured out it's hard to enjoy life and find our essence when we're constantly surrounded by people who asks more of us than we can give. I've learned that sometimes it's not about not giving enough or people asking too much, really, but just sometimes priorities, languages, personalities not matching well. It's easy to feel sad and frustrated and like you're not enough; it's not as easy to learn from mistakes and grow better when there's no support around.

I hope, now that I'm back and thriving on my experiences, that I can do better. For myself and for others. It's been tough, really, but it's been totally worth it being away and allowing myself some me time away from everything I thought I knew. ♡

I'm super excited to be back, though! I hope there's new friends to be made, and I hope there's some others who have decided to wait for me. Maybe that last one is kinda selfish, but there's nothing wrong in being selfish from time to time.

Anyway, that's been my year in a nutshell. I'll be posting little memories soon! If you're interested in knowing more about my year you can check out the "yura's memories 📌" tag!

What about you, though? What has the last year taught you that has made a change on your life, if there's been anything? Have you managed to travel? Finish that degree or maybe start that career? Has your work treated you well? Or did you maybe decide to find something better! Have you found love with someone, or yourself?

I'd love to hear all about it! If you feel like sharing, please be my guest! (*≧∀≦*)

I'll get going now, I'll see you guys again, real soon this time! Don't go anywhere! -Yura ♡

💗: @clubwnderland [💙] @jinju-oc @moonlightchn @kimheebby @nana-n-nono @coffeexdreamcb @silcntxnight @livealittleoc-cb @minsour-r @multi-esme @urtwice @san-cb @reve-rv @domrachaa @oppositesattraxt @lunaaofthemoon @badbf-cb @thepatchedpaw @domxbot @fantasyxkingdoms @the-hellhounds @monsterhigh-cb @theinvitation-bot @hwangroyaltycb @welcometosector1 @multi-joong @vanilladaises-rp @beastfights-starting @halloween-idols @redlight-cb @yourmysticalgirls-cb @theonesxcb @hybridsheltercb @3rachabot @kardpackcb @beaconhillsxbot @yandereyeri @glamrockpop-cb @angelsxdemons-cb @screamcb

[yunessa]

Thanks for the tag @dujour13 ! This was a lot of fun. You might want to wait until chapter 23 Dujour because these are big spoilers.

Tag game: Give your KC’s first impression and final opinion of each of their companions!

Yunessa's (not spoiler-free) hot takes:

First impressions

Seelah – A paladin with a sense of humour that likes to drink at a bar and joke around? I've never said 'my kind of paladin' about well, any of them. But I think I can now.

Camellia – Not friendly or quite... approachable. But reliable despite the circumstances we met.

Lann – You deserve a life where what you love doesn't choke you to death slowly,

Wenduag – She hurt children. I don't care what else she did or wants- I have no mercy for her.

Woljif – He'd sell me a bridge in Drezen. But he's friendly and he didn't leave when we helped him... I enjoy his company.

Ember – A lost not-child. I;m glad she wants to stay with me too.

Daeran – Do I have a weakness for blondes? Better put that away. He's sharp tongued, but he's funny and I like his company.

Nenio – I have a name. Use it.

Ulbrig – Strange man, meets a strange new land. What do you think awaits you beyond these walls?

Galfrey – What do you say to the statues of the past? She has more faith in me than I think she should.

Finnean- Dear friend! A reminder I'm not as normal as I desperatly hoped. Maybe we can do something to help you in the future.

Sosiel – He makes me feel like I could complain about anything and find reassurance in the most baseless of complaints. Why is a priest of Shelyn in armor and smiling so brightly in this war?

Regill – I see you Paralictor. You fill a space bigger than most people thrice your size and you're unapologetic about it. What lays between the lines?

Trever – What did I do, that you would do everything I asked of you with naught but a glance? Only a word, but you seem like you'd go to the Hells and back if I desired.

Arueshalae – Do I trust you or the illusion your aura inspires? Desna or not, I don't know. But if you're here- maybe there's a reason I donn't know yet.

Greybor – Rough edges. Smoking by a fire. A gravelly voice talking as I go to sleep. Will you be the death of me if I trust in your paper contract more than the next big offer for my head? Why not?

Aivu – You are far to small and guileless for a world so cold and cruel.

Decades later (Several deaths and restarts later) but not quite the end.

Seelah –My shield against the end. Deserving of more than her goddess gives her. She deserves all the good things I could have never given her over these years. Seelah, if you wanted something, I would have broken Drezen to get it for you.

Camellia – Murderer. Monster. If you only stayed your hand then I would have never had to use mine. I have no ill will, but I have to protect those that matter to me, no matter how often we've met beneath the tunnels.

Lann – Do you fall in love with anyone who falls into the tunnels Lann? I see the eyes you give me when my back is turned. I see the way you act. Was I to kind? Not firm enough? I fear for the end of this, that you won't seek someone else and will just pine for me. If nothing else Lann- I'm an elf. Did your mother's story not warn you of how long we outlive what we love? My dear friend, what should I do when you fail to see the forest through the trees?

Wenduag – Every time I see you, I want you dead. I've never killed children. Not now, not when this started. But you always admit to it so casually. So easily. When did the lives of those that looked up to you truly lose meaning? Why would you hurt someone who thinks you're tall enough to reach the sky? What's worth ruling in the tunnels when there's freedom above?

Woljif – You held your hands to my throat when I died. You cried. You were the reason I started doing this and now- I just want a world where you can thrive. You cared and because you cared I found a reason to keep getting up again. I don't know what would make you happiest- but you deserve a chance to have the world. Ready to be looted or explored.

Ember – I want you to grow up and heal. But in a world where this crusade goes on, can you? I can't answer for you. You can remain a not-child, a child- whatever you want Ember, I'll not only ruin Drezen if it keeps you happy, but do whatever I can for you. You deserve more than what this pitiful bard can give you.

Daeran – My heart. My other half! All I need is your shoulder and the worst of my pains will ebb away. Your hand caressing my hair, your words- If no other reason, you're why I keep trying at the end of the day. Even when I'm tired, angry or wanting to end it all. Thoughts of you keep me moving forward. I am to greedy to let you go and you also seem to share the same greed for me. Good. I think.

Finnean- I wish I could give you a body. You're cheerful, you work hard, and I want you to be alive everytime I see your eye move on the scabbbard. You comfort me when you see I'm tired or weary and more than once you've saved my life- I want to give you something more than being just a weapon. But I don't think I can do anything else besides let you go. What else would there be to your current life when you cannot even control who wields you?

Nenio – What. Is. My. Name. I don't care for your research- Have I not helped to support every childish experiment that was reasonable? I don;t care what you deem important. I have a name. When have I asked anything else but that you use. my. name. You show how little you care and how much you respect me every time you choose to ignore my name. If there's any relationship here, it's all one sided- you use me and then when this crusade is over, so to, shall you leave me.

Ulbrig – Wise and cunning. You'd laugh in the face of death and go laughing all the way to Pharasma where you'd brag how the stupid goblins barely managed to take you down. A world without you is darker indeed.

Galfrey – I hate you. I work, I try I struggle and at the end of the day- you can throw me to the abyss. But your only living family member gets cast in with me? At least apologise to him, say something. But people like you all fall in the same line. Does your jealously and my anger mean anything when you toss us away so easily?

Sosiel – No better friend, no worse enemy than you, a cleric who struggles to see the best in a world that continuously shows the worst. You know your worst side and it bothers you. But it is a struggle to be a good man and you show that through that struggle, you can become a better man.

Regill – My right hand. My sword. My best friend. A crusade without you would be infinity worse. Who else can tell me I'm stupid or need to be harsh? Who else can speak between the lines? The people who don't know you always use your status as a Hellknight or a gnome as if it was all you were. But anyone who does, has failed to understand Regil Derenge as a person.

Trever – If I said the sky was green and the moon made from clouds, you wouldn't care. But you'd believe I was right and if I called, you'd answer. No matter the day or time. Loyalty without questions. Loyalty undeserving, no matter the cost to yourself. When I turn to look behind me, I see you there as if you're my shadow.

Arueshalae – You're struggling to keep becoming what you want. But it is better to struggle to become what you want than it is to be born perfect and free of flaws? You struggle to answer a question you already know the answer to. I've already planned to buy you your cottage and field so you can have the life you want when this is done. A comfortable life where you can live as you deserve.

Greybor – Your gravelly voice and steady hands have done more for the crusade than a century of crusaders. You're blunt, and as worthy as the contract we sign. But I'd sign one with you anytime. You've proven your worth and it's more valuable than the contracts you sign.

Aivu- You look up at me like I'm worth something. I don't feel like I am, but when you rest your head on me or childlishly reuqest treats I always find I'm hard pressed to deny you anything.

[captainkurosolaire]

Profile ~ Sinbad the Young

☼ Roots ☼

話 "Never again, will I fail her or anyone." 話 - Full Name: Van Gah'd Sinbad - Namesday: 4th Astral Moon of the 7th Sun - Blood Type: B - Patron Sign: Byergot, The Builder. - Gender: Male - Nationality: Ala Mhigan - Age: 22 Summers - Height: 6 Fulms 9 Ilms - Weight: 289 Ponze - Build: Bodybuilder Muscular, Defined. - Voice: ~ (Ref) - Debut Chapter: Parley of the Oceans - Ancestry: Orphaned - Race: Highlander - Clan: City-Born - Crew Role: Second Mate

✯ Core✯

- Alignment: Story-Dependent - Sexuality: Hetero - Marital Status: Engaged - (10) - Personality Traits: Aggressive, Imposing, Dominant, Straight-Edge, Tough, Blockhead, Egotistical, Fighter, Champion, Macho. - (0-6) - Most Potent Qualities: Soldier, Bodyguard, Fighter, Tough, Young, Caring. - Quirks: Hard-shell softest interior. Cannot refuse cute animals. He'll practically melt when alone with an animal. He's a soft-heart when away from others. One of those people who wear sunglasses indoors. If you get through the density, that is not just the overcompensating body, but stubborn mind as well. You'll have a valuable-endearing friend who'll listen to any plight and beat-up any problem you've got. Is a straight-up soldier dog. He's wearing unusual shoes always, that are so painfully-deterring from his outfit or attire. Instead of combat-boots, he'll wear rain-boots. - Weaknesses: Like most alpha-believed man, the moment things go array, they crumble harder than any other. Feeling completely vulnerable and useless. One duty failed is worth thousands. He puts himself on a pedestal pressured, not just by his society, but all. He cannot afford to appear weak by any sense. He must be an example; a cut above. Internally he's soft like jelly with his true-friends, and animals or critters. - Appearance: Meat upon meat, burly and masculine and chiseled by granite putting the Twelve to shame. Sinbad carries himself in high-regard, otherwise it'd be piss-poor reflection to his lass. Often cologne with the most top of the line, highest-quality. Clean with the right rugged-edges and groom, he atypically sports-shades to give off that 'big deal' touch. Carrying himself like a Legend in the Making in presentation. An absolute-total-package and unit. To thrive in this sea-world, he's still got to be more and command an even more vast presence. - Scars: The Brand of Y. - Tattoos: None. - Piercings: None. - Primary Residence: Worldly Finder - Wealth: Has piles of troves and claimed multiple from other low-rate pirates, but a great sum. - Achievements: Is Undefeated against rival Pirate Captains in parleys. Defeating even his longest idol and current Captain, he watched in the stands take on a Noble of Ishgard and cried seeing that Order's Shield can be broken, an orphan teen grew up into a man that day from inspiration. The Youngest Pirate in history to survive Six-Layers of Hell and be victorious even unconsciously. Sinbad stands for everything all other kinsman don't. Self-controlled, Disciplined. He's Straight-Edge. Doesn't have any vices, bad indulgences. Is set on paving his own path. To become the next role-model of the seas. Has a work-relationship with sponsorships from Aethertap (All Natural Purified Water) to Gruff & Rough (Razor company) - Influence: Has an admirable wanted bounty for 27,000,000 Gil actively at an early-age. Hence has attained the title "The Young" Lifetime-highest-ranking in the 5 Star HVSTC/SN Top 1000 Wanted List, #485 / D Rank. - 5 Foods: Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat, Icecream. - 5 Drinks: Meatshake, Chocolate, Banana, Water, Aethertap - Profession: Rigging, Boatswain, Lifting, Hauling, Dueling, Wrestling, Brawling, Pit-fighting, Street-Fighting. Fencing, Delinquency, Mercenary. Thievery. Plundering. Pillaging, Diplomatic. Breaking Necks, Changing Lives, Lifting Weights. Bodybuilding, Skirmishes. - Hobbies: Animal Fundraising, Kennel Caretaker, Wildlife Rescuing, Making Stuffies. Kid Toymaker, Building Miniature-Replicas. - Experiences: Brawling. Wrestling. Rigging, Fencing, Ship Pillaging, Plundering, Battling, Parley, Skirmishes, Fighting. - Favorite Color: None - Language: Eorzean Fluent - Prior Mentors: Self-Made.

❤ Relations❤

Crewmate’s Dream & Loyalty Mission: Avenge his woman's pride alongside himself, survive the impending bloodiest War. Dismantle, conqueror, burn down the entire Nation of Omonga. Relationship w/ Captain: (OOC Commentary) Sinbad idolizes the grizzly-older Seeker sharing their scrapper backgrounds. Dedication to spit and spew against what's ethical, to stand unconventionally and stand up for not just yourself but hoist loudly your freedom's flag. He held no mentor, or parental guidance to teach him how to be a man. But by just looking at the Sun. He was inspired and basked and came into his own. It started with that littlest bit of confidence. Then... The Sun dissipated, lost and thought gone forever when needed. Hurt and abandoned there is nothing like a scorned-fan, they go from the greatest admirer; to the most venomous hater. He lashed and antagonized when it peaked the glimpse of resurfaced. How dare that Sun hide masked behind the shadow's cloud! A claimed victory became his own he crushed that incomplete Sun. Yet he too was incomplete, unsatisfied, not dazzling or burning and felt truly high in the orbit, lacking experience at being the victorious, the moment you are held-high, you're merely the ultimate target to the giant's who were meant to eclipse the skies, those which; tower and stand above all lifeforms. ☝ Allies - (Major Supporters / Family / Friends) Unlimited Stoneworks Trade Captain: Biological Brother who's was slain by Klethera who was more wicked, cowardly. He distanced himself from that. Mendi Flowers: His Fiance Wild Crew ☟ Antagonists - (Rivals - Enemies) YORE & The Bloodbrand Mount: N/A Pets: Several fostered-puppies and wolves, all nursed back from neglect or injuries by himself.

❀ Prowess❀

Job: Underground Boss

"Sinbad's" Move-Set

Self-Explanatory: Punch, Kick, Gouge, Groin Hits, Elbow Strikes. Judo Throw: Uses an opponent's momentum against them. Guillotine Choke: Why did you let him get that close? Rear Naked Choke: There's no referee. Sumo: Becomes nearly unmovable in stance. Powder-Keg Punch: A strong-arm punch that feels like you were in-proximity of an explosion. Wrestling: Pins his opponent's or disarms them, controls the battle. Brawling: Stands his ground, and just one, two, combo's, until the other person isn't moving. Heavy-Grappling: Throws his opponent's around like they're trash bags; which they typically are. Adrenaline-Fighting: Classical when is busted-open, fights with no qualms of most injuries until it's too late. Tough Skin: Many equate Sinbad's skin to be like that of a shark especially when his muscles are tensed. Enhancer: Sinbad fortifies his muscles and manipulate the testosterone with his aether, becoming an unnatural monstrosity with zero-regard of proportions, hellbent to crush, doing so will mess with his nerves, joints, increase his risk of heart attacks. Afterwards his muscles and body deflate severely gaining more flab, suffering body tremors. Everything that has to be physically reconditioned. This requires an insane work-ethic, dedication an utter-drive. At any reason he were to lose that mental-resolve, fortitude, he'd begin suffering. Therefore Sinbad even if wheel-chair bound will curl a dumb-bell and push limits, lifting away his problems and slam down protein. Proficiency: Revolvers, Shotguns, Hand to Hand, Grappling. Signature: Hulking Tackle: Charges at his opponent with full-velocity, and sheer power, to absolutely break his opponents in half. Typically breaks their spine on contact, or knocks them into a new timezone from their concussion. ~ Finishers ~ Limit Break: N/A

⚝ Equipment ⚝

Main Arms: Bare Fist' Giving Dem Hands. Person's Container: Brass Knuckles, Small-Wrist-Rope, Gil Sack (15k) Switch-Knife, Luxurious Watch, Shades, Eye-patch, Bubble-gum. Athletic-tape.

[theharrowing]

do u have any fic recs for stories that include morally ambiguous or questionable characters? kinda like collateral? open to either x reader or mxm. i have a mighty need & love your content & trust your judgment on fic 💜 thank u for sharing all ur hard work with us! x

ohhhhh do i???

i just want to preface with: these fics are often very dark, and in some ways very fucked up. there are actions in the fics that i do not condone. i will add some general warnings but please read every warning before proceeding if you are sensitive to anything. (i personally dive headfirst without reading any warnings bc i thrive on chaos and nothing bothers me. idk what kind of person that makes me.)

also, i will eventually add links to all of these on @nabiolivereads so if folks are into the heavier, darker stuff, know that soon there will be reviews for that kind of content over there, as well.

*places an arm gently around anon's shoulder and leads then through a beaded of curtain into the secret back room of my fic recs, where only esteemed customers are allowed to go*

first of all: i am pretty sure none of these fics are on tumblr. i assume you're down to clown on ao3, and all of them are open to the general public, anyway.

i haven't read a ton of mafia/fics like Collateral, but here are things with very morally ambiguous characters. and many of them are darker, in some ways, than Collateral is.

Fatal Compulsion by Vmintie ↳ Jimin, the only survivor of the Yongsan Ripper's prolific killing spree, is put immediately under police protection. Months later, the killer comes back for him. ❣ series, 251,009 wc ❣ Jimin x Taehyung with side pairings and other members ❣ serial killer, smut, angst, fear, toxic relationship, manipulation, graphic violence, torture & murder, cliffhanger ending. this is my favorite fic of all time. i know it has a hefty wordcount but you get so swept up into the story. i revisit certain chapters all the time.

Jewel of Busan and Butcher of Seoul by Vmintie ↳ Jimin finds himself embroiled in a heist that is set to bring about the fall of an empire. Taehyung is in on the action for reasons of his own. Jungkook wants Jimin the way a spoilt child wants a toy. And over it all sits Mother, the mysterious matriarch of Seoul's largest mob syndicate. Chaos is a ladder and its rungs are slick with blood. ❣ 2 stories in one series, 183,142 wc and 243812 ec, respectively ❣ Jimin x Taehyung with side pairings and other members ❣ mafia au, smut, angst, toxic relationship, manipulation, a smattering of accidental incest, major character deaths, unhappy ending. i cannot say enough about this series. it is so fucked up and so fun to read. i fucking cried like a baby, but god, it was so worth it.

lostland. by Daebon ↳ The moment Jimin saw Min Yoongi all those years ago, he knew he was in trouble. Seeing him now as a professor, with his thick-rimmed glasses and pressed suits, Jimin can feel himself slipping again. It’s a good thing he’s being distracted by his new friend Hoseok, the campus’ most infamous and straightest fuckboy, or he could really get himself into quite a mess. Oh, wait. He never saw it coming. ❣ series, 174,254 wc ❣ Jimin x Hoseok & Jimin x Yoongi ❣ college au, murder mystery, smut, angst, a smattering of accidental incest (idk why i find this in stories lmao i do not go searching for it), age gap, underage (a 23 yo has feelings for a 16 yo & those feelings aren't acted upon until 16 yo becomes of age, but still.) this story is a fucking roller coaster and it is definitely not for everyone.

Perfect by Hiromi_20 ↳ "I've wanted you for so long," Jin whispers, mouth only a hair away from your own. You can't move, can't look away, helpless against this spell he's weaving around you. You can almost believe this is a sweet, romantic little moment. If only it was that simple. "And you're finally mine." ❣ oneshot, 7,251 wc ❣ Seokjin x Female Reader ❣ yandere, non-con, smut, restraints, forced orgasms. i don't even know what to say tbh. it's.........just very sexy. and very wrong. but very sexy.

The One by nicedress ↳ Every stamen lured into Yoongi’s bed leaves him with a new blossom on his skin and a new grave on his property. When he encounters Namjoon, a stamen who refuses to touch any pistil unless it’s his soulmate, all Yoongi sees is someone naive and easy to control. Someone to help around the farm without complaint. Someone to dig holes without realizing they’re graves. Someone Yoongi’s not quite willing to kill—not yet. ❣ oneshot, 27,176 wc ❣ Yoongi x Namjoon ❣ pistilverse au, serial killer, some violence. this story is absolutely perfect.

Honorable mention:

Between Two Sinners by LoquaciousLo ↳ In which you find yourself praying against your growing desires for the pastor's son - and his best friend - only to find it in the most faithless of places. When devils are sweet and their faces come in sets of two, what are you supposed to do? Will you resist? Or succumb to temptation? ❣ series, 114,672 wc ❣ Yoongi x Female Reader x Jimin ❣ son of a preacher, non-con, smut, a little angst. this story is incomplete, and i have only read the first few chapters anyway. but it's quite fun, if you're into this sort of thing.

also, i assume you have read more of mine than Collateral, but i have a handful of fics with very shady characters if you want more recs from my own pile, such a Boy Blue, Deadly Desire, Dollhouse, Abyss, With You Always, Consecration, Stuck, A Lamb in Wolf’s Clothing. 😈 have fuuuun!!!

if anyone has any recs along these lines, i am always open to read more! plz lmk!

[ina-nis]

I cried a lot in therapy the other day because, apparently, things are finally working.

It just seems a little conflicting because... it doesn't feel like it. For example, when I was faced with a major trigger of mine and I didn't feel aggravated or self-destructive... I didn't feel much of anything, as if my feelings were numb or dampened. But the fact that I did not feel all those "bad" and familiar feelings, probably meant avoidance was not at play, and it was actually acceptance.

In the end, I'll probably not become this embittered and horrible person I fear I'll become, on the contrary, it seems like I'll become a very detached being - which was something I always tried to combat because it always felt like avoidance... the key difference here is that the "bad" feelings wouldn't even show up anymore, thus representing an actual change within myself, and an actual form of acceptance, I guess.

Well, the catch here is that the "bad" feelings won't show up, nor will the "good" ones. In the triggering situation, I acted more like a mirror for the other person (much like how therapists do! And it's no wonder my own therapists have told me I would make a good therapist myself ^^;), reflecting their own joy and happiness back to them, as if it were my own, and then being upset with myself later for being unable to feel truly happy for them.

The reason is probably because a trigger is still a trigger, even if the negative symptoms are not showing up, it doesn't mean it'll suddenly be a normal occurrence to me, and I can just act as if nothing happened or as if there was nothing wrong... there are many things going wrong and, as I've been saying over and over and over again, even with the absence of unpleasant experiences, they do not make up for the absence of positive ones. Those triggers will likely remain as triggers, for as long as I'm not able to actually work through them with positive reinforcement. But that's fine, I guess.

It's the point of acceptance, too. Getting through a helpless situation with as less damage as you can. It can't solve it, nor can it change things. It's just another tool to cope.

This is not how I wanted thing to turn out like, but it's probably the best I can do for now.

Hopefully, when I do have this acceptance piece as second nature, it will help me actually thrive and enjoy all other aspects of my life, that I have been unable to, due to the pain loneliness causes me.

The pain will still be here, obviously, it's just a matter of time and continuous effort to have this pain become something secondary, and I'll actually have space in myself for literally anything else. I'm sure I'll be able to do it. I'm in the right path and the treatment is, indeed, working. I guess it just feels a little bit scary because of the unknown, all those feelings and experiences being unfamiliar, but I'll get used to it, too, I'm sure.

I have given up some things, and I have gained several other things in return. Overall, I want to believe the sum of everything will be positive and I'll be able to have a good life and a good future, regardless of having the relationships I need or not.

I want to believe one day I'll be able to look back and think it was worth it.

I can't predict the future but if my own life up until now is any indication of upcoming trends, I'll probably remain alone.

I'll probably nurture close relationships with people that ultimately frustrate me because the romantic love I seek is not reciprocated.

I'll probably keep those platonic connections despite my frustration because I value those relationships and people, more than I value my own pain (because I know burning bridges over not getting what I want will truly keep me isolated).

I'll probably remain alone.

It'll probably be a pain I'll carry for the rest of my life.

I'll probably always be triggered by seeing partnered people and I'll probably walk away from friendships with people that prioritize their own romantic life, for my own sake and as a way to maintain my sanity.

I'll probably keep on yearning and hoping, too, knowing that it doesn't have to mean anything. I don't have to expend energy or time into hopeless things, so I won't do that.

I'll probably have this deep sorrow looming over me, and that's alright. I can still have a good life and a good future.

[motheatenscarf]

Okay, headache gone, can post thoughts now.

Man, Shadowbringers legit gettin me misty eyed.

Played through the Crown of the Immaculate, had fun getting there, the design on the dungeonand the trial was VERY cool. I'm living for this whole "light as corruption" thing, stark and stagnant, anathema to the churning chaos required for life to thrive. The visual implication that ugly as he was, Vauthry was human and fallible until his transformation into a full sineater, becoming beautiful and corrupted and beyond saving.

And Alphy continues to be my little proletariat pogchamp, I love him so much.

Sad about the Exarch, I get why he had to lie, cuz yeah, his plan to sacrifice himself to save the WoL is not something Talia would have gone along with. She's tired of people deciding she's more important than anyone just because she's the better murderer in a world full of things that need to die. (I'm aware people genuinely see the WoL as a hero, good and true, but from a character psychology standpoint, Talia Does Not see herself that way.) It was what happened with Haurchefant :(

Glad to have it confirmed that Emet Selch WAS sincere in his efforts to try and reach out and see if maybe 7 rejoinings was enough for him to consider us "worthy" again. NOT HAPPY he shot my cat, but the moment before that where you can call out to G'raha Tia directly was sweet.

Even if I'm like.... 85% certain that was a Cats reference.

Anyway, Talia had accepted as an innevitability that defeating the lightwardens would kill her, but was gonna count on the nerds or Ryne to send her to space or strike her with Hydalen's power and scatter her across time and space or something. Learning what G'raha Tia had been doing for the last like... three centuries worth of despair, clinging to hope and helping the people of the Crystarium, that was emotionally affective on its own.

Loved the beat where you're talking to Ardbert and your character starts balling their hand up into a fist and he tells them to take it easy, that if they lose control of their emotions they will DEFINITELY turn into a sineater at this point. It then lets them take a breath and ask what your character is gonna do.

LOVED the options there of either saying, "I"m going after Emet Selch," or, "I'm gonna go and have words with both Emet Selch and the Exarch," and then finally the one Talia chose. I grant you this is likely the one it EXPECTS you to choose/is the default, but I'm glad it was a choice and not the assumption.

Because Talia having to calm down in that moment and being told not to "lose control", i.e., letting her anger take the reigns, gave her that beat she needed to think back to why she was angry. Think back to something Alphinaud told her over hot chocolate about not letting people be sacrificed for a cause.

So she said she was gonna go save G'raha Tia.

And as if that wasn't a sweet enough moment, the fact that the Scions refuse to let you sneak off and do this alone, and then summon the people of the Crystarium who also want to save the Exarch after everything he did for them.

It's that Sam Rami Spiderman shit for me, man. Where the hero just gets their ass beat again and again and when shit looks its bleakest, is saved in turn by the people they've been protecting. The whole "People of Nordvandt coming together to build a kaiju, the world saving the world" bit was nice, I like it, it rewards you for putting in the effort.

But idk. I'm personally more about that whole, at the darkest hour, the hero didn't stand alone shit. Let them think this is the end or they're on their own or they have to hold out just long enough for the acceptance of the inevitable sink in only to offer that ray of light.

Also, goddamn, the voice acting is so good here. You can HEAR Alisaie's voice actor crying when Alisaie cries and tells you off for trying to refuse their help because you could turn into a sineater at any moment. You could HEAR Urianger's choked back tears as he begged for forgiveness, or at least being allowed to help, after having to deceive you.

And then the people of the Crystarium being like, whatever's happening, if it's to help you and the Exarch, we'll do it. We know who you are and what you've done for us and we won't let you face this alone.

Idk. It's nice to see the hero get to have people to lean on. To know that they aren't just saving people as a passing do-gooder but are building a community.

And I hate to say it, but it's made all the more meaningful after the miserable slog that is ARR's thankless hoop jumping where F'lamihn doesn't even save enough food to give your character a decent meal after a long and terrible day. Keeping most of the Scions at arms' length for most of the game only for them to realize and express how much your character actually means to them is good, actually.

And then clicking on the characters afterward, and having Alphinaud mention the exact moment and conversation I the player was remembering as I made the choice that this was a growth moment for my WoL, was like.... YAY, good writing, they know what they're doing and their themes and message are consistent! Him saying, "I wasn't gonna give up on Estinien and I'm NOT giving up on you now!" about my WoL after everything they've been through made me misty eyed, and yeah, Talia would be a sobbing wreck to realize there are People Who Love Her, maybe even as much as she loves them!