#i thought maybe it was someone ive blocked but i checked my block list and i'm quite certain that nobody on there would send me an ask

[rolandkaros]

i think someone tried to send me an ask bc it showed a [1] next to my inbox and the total number of asks went up but there is no new ask in there...and its not in my notifs............

[twipsai]

i never respond to posts that i disagree with, i usually just block and move on, but this one irritated me. especially since i agree with a lot of points said, but theyre surrounded by stuff that i feel like is super misleading the way you phrased it. im just gonna go point by point

i almost thought this was going to be a post i agreed with until i finished the first paragraph. its fine to not like the real time sonic fandubs, but saying Snapcube has been "spamming" them for four years is harsh -- over the course of six years, a total of four sonic fandubs have come out. say what you want about their contents, but i think its unfair to frame it like they were a constant stream of content. additionally, in recent years a lot of people have been singing their praises of early modern sonic; i dont usually see that much hate for games like Adventure 1 and 2, the storybook duology, etc. hell, even 06 has been getting a lot of love recently (though i also dont really venture outside of tumblr. maybe things are different on other platforms? i know that youtube was especially harsh on early modern sonic)

i also havent seen many people praise the new voice cast, though again, that could just be the bubble im in. in general, though, i think that things like the characters voices just comes down to personal preferences, and thats fine! im more of a 4kids sonic x dub voice cast fan myself, and i have my own opinions about the current cast, but thats just how preference works.

"New Fans also praise how Ian Flynn writes the characters, which also sucks because Flynn's version of the characters don't act like the actual Sonic Characters" ,,, like ive been saying, a lot of this is just opinions, but,,,,really? Ian Flynn has been writing for the sonic franchise since 2006, when he started writing for the Archie comics. whether or not you like his writing isnt an issue (like ive been saying, personal preference is its own thing, even if i disagree), but Flynn isnt, like, the sole writer when he works on sonic -- thats just not how writing works, especially not for a franchise as large as sonic. writers work under mandates and are given notes for everything. in Flynn's case, hes stated before that specifically the TailsTube scripts are all reviewed by Takashi Iizuka, the creative officer for sonic and the head of Sonic Team. additionally, it's been said before at the end of Tails' 30th anniversary comic that SEGA double checks everything with the comics -- from scripts to thumbnails to finals, they have a close eye on the whole team's work. Flynn isn't just doing whatever he wants, and hes not writing these alone. using one writer as a scapegoat for why you dont like the franchise as it stands currently is unproductive at best when the writing for Sonic is an extremely collaborative process

(im not going over all of the bullet points you listed, but i have never once seen someone say the sonic fandubs are canon. like, not once. theyre literally listed as fandubs? as ive stated before, we may just be in different parts of the internet, so im willing to believe that some people just dont know what theyre talking about)

i dont disagree with the fact that Sonic was mocked relentlessly in the 2010s, and its the main reason i didnt get into the franchise sooner, but framing its current resurgence as a bad thing is,,, eh? kind of just a bad take imo. not everything is for everyone, i understand that, but is it really such a bad thing that the franchise is starting to take larger steps in the direction it used to be going in, what with Shadow literally sprouting wings like a 2011 amv? thats mostly my opinion, though i can understand how liking something when its hated on only to have people decide they like it later and pretend they always have is very frustrating.

you said in the last paragraph "[...]that I'm gonna have to gatekeep the fuck out of this franchise, which is something don't wanna have to do". this is what made me want to respond to this post in the first place because, lets be honest, when has someone ever responding to someone on the internet with a different opinion ever changed anyones mind. i wanted to respond to this post because no one is asking you to gatekeep the sonic franchise. nothing productive has ever come out of gatekeeping, and it will only alienate potential new fans, and old fans who like the newer stuff as well. the beauty of the world is that you can exist in your space and block anyone who you dont want to see, and continue to do whatever you want. you do not have to gatekeep a franchise. spend your time doing something you like doing.

tldr: all the time you spend hating on things can be spent loving the things you love twice as much. why do you insist on dismissing everything new? for fun?

What sucks about the Sonic franchise is that people only seem to like it when the franchise isn't being itself

Sonic Colors is liked by non Sonic Fans because it's kiddy and lighthearted and not dark and edgy like the 2000s games, which is considered cringe to them and the only time people "like" the 2000s games is when they're talking about those obnoxious Snapcube dubs which they's been spamming for 4 years now

New Fans also praise the current voice cast, which sucks because a majority them don't fit the characters

New Fans also praise how Ian Flynn writes the characters, which also sucks because Flynn's version of the characters don't act like the actual Sonic Characters, (Sonic considering himself as a hero, Tails being Jimmy Neutron, Amy chooses to keep her feelings for Sonic secret and having Tarot Cards be her whole personality, Shadow being an edgy dick, etc) but the New Fans keep insisting that the new versions are better

Also to this day, misconceptions about the franchise and 90s boomers who refuse to let go of the US Lore still persist:

His name is Eggman, not Robotnik

Sonic lives on Earth, not Mobius

Sonic is not obsessed with Chili Dogs

Amy is not a stalker

Sonic has never fucking said "Gotta Go Fast"

Shadow is not an edgelord

People thinking the cartoons and movies are canon

People thinking the Snapcube Dub is canon

Majority of the characters are teens (For some reason people think every Sonic character is a grown adult, even characters like Charmy and Tails)

Also a lot of people seem to forget that the franchise was niche/hated during the 2010s, people didn't give a flying fuck about Sonic and even if they did, they brought it up just to shit on it, it was especially worse when Forces and the Ugly Sonic design came out, everything about Sonic in the 2010s was mocking it, nonstop memes and people saying the franchise only works in 2D (What's worse is that Sonic Mania indirectly proved them right)/was never good, etc

Sonic hate is a lot less common nowadays due to the movies, (mocking Sonic 06 is still brought up to this day tho), however i feel like most of it is people pretending to like Sonic, majority of Sonic praise nowadays comes from the Movies or Frontiers's vocal tracks (because of Kellen Quinn), it also goes back to my previous point with people liking the mischaracterised versions of the characters better

The big two Sonic content coming out this year are Sonic x Shadow Generations and Sonic Movie 3, which has a lot of people hyped because of Shadow the Hedgehog, but it also goes back to my previous point of people pretending to like Sonic, Shadow was heavily disliked by critics and the general audience for being a "edgelord" and looking like a Deviantart OC, so why are people switching up now?

Also from a majority of reactions I've seen, they'll say shit like "Shadow has always been my favorite character" but they don't even know his backstory and when see Black Doom, Maria or Gerald, they go "Who is this!?" (Or make an obnoxious Snapcube joke), I've even seen people ask for Silver, who is a character who was more hated than Shadow and know less about, I doubt they even know he's from the future

All this shit makes me scared that by the time both of these come out, that I'm gonna have to gatekeep the fuck out of this franchise, which is something don't wanna have to do, I just wanna live in a world where the franchise isn't a laughing stock and people actually the franchise unironically

[multifandomingmess]

The One That Got Away (Sonny Carisi x Daughter!Reader) Part 1/2

anonymous inquired:

Hii do you fanfics, imagines for SVU? If so can you do a Sonny x reader where you are his daughter and you try to kill yourself after being raped. The team finds out and hunts the rapist down. If you could make it middle length maybe? It’s ok if you can’t. If you can thank youuu

Trigger Warning(s): mentions of rape, description of rape, suicide attempt, self-harm, language, etc..

Reminder: Spoilers from recent episodes of SVU - so Carisi is ADA now. If you don't like spoilers, please watch/start on Season 22 beforehand. Thank you.

You could still feel the touch of him. How he threw you around like garbage. When you look down at your legs, you see reminders of him. That night was horrifying for you. However, you weren't surprised that you were targeted since you're the daughter of ADA Carisi.

Y/N Carisi - you were born on M/D/Y - having e/c eyes and h/c hair. Despite all that, you grew up near the SVU, so you knew the signs but you felt like you were stupid and deserved this. Like it was meant to happen. You haven't told anyone because you felt ashamed. You know (for a fact) that your dad will literally kill the guy - but you don't want him to risk his job for you.

(POV CHANGE - I/IM/ME/FIRST PERSON)

I came home from school and immediately went to my bedroom. My dad wasn't home yet so I just lay in my bed - and do what I've been doing. I just look at the wall and think. I think about the things I've done, the things I've wanted to do, the things I want to do, and the things that I wanted to do but was too scared to do so.

It's hard being an ADA's daughter because I've seen the threats he's gotten. People have cyberbullied me a lot, which isn't a surprise, but it's still not pleasant. Through my dad, I've felt unsafe because of threats I received - and some of the things that have been done to me.

A few weeks ago, I was raped after my dad won a case. The convicted man's family, who is apart of a mafia, seemed to convey hatred against him. I'm not sure if it's one of them that raped me but I just want to block it out. I want to forget it ever happened but it's not that easy. The past few days have been even harder because the thoughts have gotten worse. My dad knows I struggle with my mental health, in general, but he doesn't know why it's worsened lately. He doesn't know that I've started self-harming again.

It's hard to be alone with all these thoughts - because it's getting harder. I look at the belt nearby and place my hand against the leather. I just want this pain to be gone.

(HOURS LATER; 3RD PERSON POV)

Sonny finally arrived home. He had been trying to get a hold of Y/N but he had no luck. He opened the front door to a silent apartment. He was used to the silence but he felt a different feeling - like something was - like a gut instinct. He knew something was up.

He began to call Y/N's name, "Y/N! Are you home?" Silence. Just pure silence. He looked around the apartment and noticed her backpack on the kitchen counter - so she was home.

He went down the hallway and saw her bedroom door barely shut. He opened the door and he felt his stomach turn. Y/N was hanging from a belt. He rushed to her and unbuckled the belt carefully, so she would fall down, but he grabbed her in time. She placed her on the floor and felt for a pulse. It was weak but she had a pulse.

He took his phone out and dialed 911, before putting the speakerphone on and placing it on the ground. He immediately began chest compressions.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"This is ADA Sonny Carisi of Manhattan. I just came home to my daughter who attempted suicide. Please, send some paramedics and SVU here."

He continued the CPR, "Are there signs of sexual abuse?"

"I don't know but something isn't right. I'm doing CPR right now. Her pulse is weak. Please, hurry."

"Yes sir, just keep doing what you're doing. They're on their way."

Sonny continued to do the compressions, hoping she'd wake up, but she was still unconscious.

"Come on, baby..." He mumbled under his breath, as he continued the compressions.

Minutes went by and the paramedics arrived, along with SVU. They rushed into the house and Sonny stood by, as they began to take her vitals and placed her on a stretcher. Sonny felt like his whole world was turning upside down.

Olivia rushed in there, along with Amanda. "Sonny, what happened?"

"I came home to check on her because she wasn't answering her phone, so when I got here - something felt off and went to her room and found her like this..." He explained, trying to contain his emotions.

"Do you think she was raped?" Amanda questioned, causing Sonny to look down to the ground.

"I don't know but she hasn't been suicidal... I've been with her and something isn't right about this."

Olivia watched them take her out on the stretcher, noticing scratches on her arms, before sighing. Sonny was right. Something was wrong.

Hours had passed and Y/N awoke in a hospital bed, looking around to see her dad and some of his friends. "Dad?"

Sonny immediately rushed to his daughter's side and gave a kiss on her forehead. "How are you, sweetheart?"

She remembered what she did and regret filled her eyes. She placed her palms over her eyes and shook her head. "I'm so sorry, dad..."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Y/N." Sonny assurred but she shook her head, throwing her hands down on the bed.

"I do, I really do, Dad." Y/N sobbed out, tears beginning to flow down her cheeks. Sonny looked at her and grabbed her hand, rubbing the back of her hand gently.

"Honey, why are you sorry?" She began to tug at the IV, trying to take it out. Machines began to beep uncontrollably, "You're safe, Y/N!"

"Dad, you're gonna kill me..." She yelled out in hysterics, nurses beginning to barge in.

"Sedate her!" One of the nurses shouted. Sonny was forced to get out of the room as he watched her fight off nurses.

"What happened to my babygirl?"

"Sonny..." Olivia began as she placed a hand on his back. "I think she's been raped or assaulted."

Sonny felt himself becoming numb and in shock. Olivia had it wrong, or did she? It would make a lot of sense, though. The huge question was why? Why would someone hurt his babygirl? That question ran through his mind.

Hours passed by and Sonny anxiously paced the halls of the hospital. Olivia had gone in there to talk with Y/N. Sonny knew he couldn't do it and just knew that she wouldn't talk to him about it. Not yet, at least.

"It's going to be okay, Carisi..." Amanda reassured, standing up after sitting in the chair for some time. "We will figure this all out but you need to sit down, you'll make yourself sick."

"I already feel sick and disgusted. I should've known something was off. I should've taken off work when her behavior started changing but I thought it was just teenage things. We've all gone through it..."

Amanda tightened her lips, biting the inside of her cheek. It was really unfortunate. The creak from the hospital room's door interrupted the two. Olivia came out with a clipboard, approaching Sonny at once. "I need you to sit down, Sonny..."

Sonny knew exactly what Olivia was going to say. Either way, nothing would stop the anger evolving inside of him. He didn't protect his daughter like he was always promised. He was already blaming himself.

"She was raped about a week ago. His identity is unknown but she said he had green eyes, black hair, pale skin, and dressed very neatly - but she mentioned that he said it was a warning for you..."

Sonny curled his eyebrows together, bringing eye contact with Olivia. He began to shook his head, grabbing the sides of his face, burying his face into his lap. "No..."

"She said he supposedly was a relative of a case you beat recently."

Carisi pounded his fist into his legs, screaming out, "Damn it!"

He jumped to his feet immediately, rushing toward the exit of the building, anger overcoming him.

"Sonny, you can't pursue this case!" Olivia yelled through the distance. "I have the authority to arrest you and I don't want to do that..."

He stopped in his tracks, turning to her. "You won't let me pursue this but you pursued your buddy Stabler's wife's case..."

"Excuse me?"

"If you can help your old partner out, then you can have my back on this... Either way, I have a feeling on who this is, and no one's stopping me - not even you."

With that, Carisi rushed out of the hospital building, leaving Olivia speechless. She looked at Amanda and audibly sighed.

Carisi got home and skimmed through each case file thoroughly, especially recent cases.

Brown v. Powell

New York State v. Senator Graham

Little v. Brewster

Jackson v. Gallagher

As he went past the Jackson v. Gallagher file, he pulled up the list of relatives for the Gallagher case (the opposing side). He saw Michael Gallagher. He was 35 and had all the features his daughter reportedly claimed. He clenched his hands into fists for a moment before hearing the doorbell ring. He snapped out of it and went to open the door.

In the pouring rain, Olivia stood there. Carisi found himself surprised but grateful.

"I'm sorry..." She gently apologized as she dug her hands into the pockets of her trenchcoat.

"We don't have time for that. I think I found a suspect..."

Olivia widened her eyes a bit as he led her to his office. He began to explain the case to her, which was complicated but expressed how one of the relatives had been sending threats since the trial completed. In which, we have Michael Gallagher.

"This is good... He looks just like the guy she described. This is a good sign, Sonny." Olivia admitted as she pulled out her phone. "I'm going to have them test Y/Ns DNA samples and possibly other DNA matches as soon as they can."

"Thank you, Liv."

She flashed a sly smile at him before she headed out. However, Sonny wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon, so the night would be interesting.

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

As it turned out, Tony did make great pancakes. Peter woke up the next day to the smell of them, and shyly headed in the general direction it was coming from, until he reached the kitchen. Tony was standing there, wearing impeccable gray dress pants, a crisp white shirt and a green tie, as he added batter to a frying pan. Peter supposed that was what heaven would look like when he died.

“Oh, hey, kitten, you’re up.” He grinned at him, who smiled in return, nodding. He had put his clothes from the night before back on, and he was glad he did, because Tony was dressed to the nines and it would have been awkward if he had shown up in just his boxers or something. “Sleep well?”

“I did, thanks.” And it was surprisingly true. Peter hadn’t had such a good night’s sleep in a while, he supposed he missed sleeping next to someone. He did share a bed with Beck for two years, so it felt awfully lonely to sleep by himself. “Are you headed to work?” He asked as he sat on a stool by the kitchen island and Tony nodded guiltily, fixing two plates of pancakes.

“I’m so sorry, I tried to make arrangements to get the morning off, but duty calls.” To his credit, he did look genuinely sorry, so Peter thought maybe it wasn’t just an excuse to get rid of him. Maybe.

“It’s okay, I have to be home soon, or my friends will worry.” Which wasn’t exactly true, but not exactly a lie either. They wouldn’t notice he was gone until lunchtime, since they both had work or class in the morning, but when they did notice, they would freak out.

“I thought you lived by yourself?” Tony sounded interested as he sat beside him by the kitchen counter and pushed a plate his way. Peter thanked him, taking a bite of the surprisingly good pancake.

“I do, but we live in the same building, so we’re always checking in on each other.” Tony hummed, nodding, and they were silent for a little while, until the older man spoke up again.

“Can I ask about your relatives?” He felt his eyes on him and knew that, much like the night before, he was testing the waters, making sure Peter was comfortable with that subject.

“Sure. I don’t have any, though. I’m an orphan, I’ve lived in foster homes for most of my life.” Peter didn’t really mind talking about that period – it was basically all he knew. He was too little when his parents died and was only ten when Ben and May passed away, so the foster homes were where he made most of his memories.

“Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that.” Tony winced, maybe thinking he had touched a sensitive subject after all, but Peter smiled and shrugged.

“It’s okay, it was a long time ago. My friends are like family to me now, so I’m good.”

“I’m glad you have them.” Again, he gave him that genuine smile that made Peter believe he was actually glad to hear that. Like he actually cared. “So… Can I see you again? Or was this just a one time thing?” The older man turned his body to face Peter, who froze for a second with the mug held to his lips, mid-sip.

“Oh, uhm…” Peter almost chocked on the coffee, not quite believing his ears. He honestly thought that the older man would slowly disappear from his life. Or maybe not even that slowly. Peter figured he had gotten what he wanted, so why would he stick around? “I mean, sure. If you want.” He said, like an idiot, and Tony raised a brow.

“I really do, but I don’t mean to pressure you, so if you want to say no and just go back to what we had, that’s okay. Or not even that, if you prefer. Just say the word and I’ll get out of your hair.” He sounded honest enough, but Peter quickly shook his head, eyes wide.

“No, it’s okay, I definitely wanna do this again.” He assured him, and Tony seemed satisfied with his answer, expression softening as he nodded.

After breakfast, the older man insisted on driving him home and when they arrived at his building, he felt a little awkward as to how to say goodbye, but Tony made it easier by simply leaning in and kissing him softly on the lips, one hand stroking his knee in a gentle caress.

“I’ll call you later, kitten.” He promised and Peter just sighed quietly, feeling dizzy.

He was a little out of it for the rest of the day, both Ned and MJ asked what was wrong with him in separate occasions, but he just said he was tired from his new routine. They had dinner together and when he went back to his apartment that night, he was just mildly surprised that he actually got a call from Tony. It was an innocent, sweet phone call, too. He did not expect that, to be honest, they had been sexting for two months and they had actual sex the previous night, so he kind of expected Tony to just go for it.

But no.

He asked about his day, about his friends, he told him about his own day, then somehow they ended up talking a little bit about Peter’s childhood, his parents, aunt May and Uncle Ben, it was just a really nice chat, which he appreciated. Not that he didn’t enjoy talking dirty to Tony, but the fact that he called just to have a normal conversation with no second intentions was, well. Nice.

He didn’t really know where they were going with that, probably nowhere, really, Peter was an ex-porn star, Tony was an A-list celebrity, a billionaire and a fucking Avenger, so there was literally zero chance they could evolve to something else. They would probably just go out a few more times, have mind-blowing awesome sex, and then go their separate ways. And Peter was okay with that.

It was fine. Really. It was just fine.

And it was for the best, otherwise how would he explain to Ned and MJ that he was dating Tony Fucking Stark? It would be a nightmare. MJ would kill him and lecture him on how big corporations like Stark Industries were destroying their way of life and Ned would pass out – and possibly die – so, yeah. It was a good thing they had no real future together.  

That didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy it while it lasted, though. Tony was really nice, a true gentleman, a good conversationalist, a great kisser and an amazing lay. So whatever he could get out of those moments they had together, he would. Everything was perfectly fine and under control. And did he mention fine?

The next morning, he woke up early and went for a jog around the block. He had been experimenting with different types of workout routines, but he thought he might stick with jogging and yoga for a while, he was even looking for a yoga studio close to his building so he could start training more seriously. When he got back, he took a long shower, made breakfast and spent a few hours answering people on Just4Fans, then posted a few pictures there, linked it to his twitter account and let people know on Instagram.

Tony texted him mid-morning and Peter blushed like a teenager when he read his message.

“Just saw the new pics, you look stunning as always, baby, but I have to admit I’m spoiled now, pictures are not enough. Can’t wait to see you again. Dinner tomorrow?”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, sir, keep it coming.” He smiled to himself and bit his lower lip, excited by the prospect of seeing Tony again so soon. “Tomorrow sounds great, where are we going? Should I start stressing about the dress code?”

“I was thinking you could come over. Did I mention that I’m a great cook? Pancakes aren’t my only specialty.” Peter felt butterflies in his stomach. It was stupid, of course, but he just found it endearing that Tony wanted to cook for him.

“I’d love to. I’m curious about your cooking, your pancakes did taste fantastic.” Just the thought of that morning and, more importantly, the night before that, made his mind wander, as a quiet sigh left his lips.

“Prepare to be blown away.”

“You’re so humble, I love that about you.” The young man smiled to himself.

“Thank you, kitten, it’s one of my many qualities.” Peter laughed at his antics.

They settled on a time and Tony insisted on picking him up, even though it was obviously inconvenient since they were having dinner at his place, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so Peter gave in. They talked a little more, but soon Tony had to go back to work and now that the younger man knew exactly who he was, he imagined it was a lot of work.

He went on with his Saturday – in the afternoon, he took a few pictures and videos with different sets of lingerie he bought with MJ when they went to Victoria’s Secret, and that should be enough to last him at least a few days. At dinnertime, he went down to his friends’ apartment, as usual, and they were both home.

“What’s up, nerd,” MJ greeted from the couch, but didn’t raise her eyes from her phone.

“Hey, Pete, dinner is almost ready,” Ned called from the kitchen island.

“Want me to set the table?” He walked over to where Ned was fishing a plate out of the microwave.

“Sure.”

Peter knew his way around the kitchen, so he got to work, placing the plates and cutlery on the small, square table by the counter.

“Hey, are you up for a Star Trek marathon tomorrow night? I don’t have any classes next Monday morning, we can stay up late.”

“Oh, uhm. I –“ Fuck, he hadn’t really thought of an excuse for why he wouldn’t be having dinner with them. “I can’t, because…” He noticed that MJ had finally raised her eyes from her phone, only to stare at him suspiciously. “I have this thing, uhm, on my Just4Fans… Tomorrow night.”

“Can’t you just schedule the posts?” MJ asked from the couch, because of-fucking-course she knew about that.

“Uhm, yeah, I can, but – uhm. It’s a live stream. I’m live streaming tomorrow for the first time. It’s good for tips and stuff, so. Yeah. I’ve already let everybody know, I can’t cancel.” He gave them an apologetic smile, trying to look convincing, but he was pretty sure he just looked like a nervous wreck.

“Oh. Ok, then.” Ned shrugged and didn’t seem bothered at all, but MJ kept staring at him from the couch, like she could smell his bullshit from a mile away. She didn’t say anything, though, for which he was grateful.

The next morning, he woke up early and decided to skip his usual jog around the block and just did a short yoga session in his living room, warmed by the morning sun that flooded his apartment at that time. He had lunch with his friends and spent the afternoon with them, but left early with the excuse that he had to get ready for his “live stream”.

When the older man texted to say he was waiting outside, Peter was already showered and dressed and skipped downstairs two steps at a time. He didn’t know what he was supposed to wear to a billionaire’s house, but he decided casual was probably fine, so he put on a pair of light blue jeans and a light pink, thin sweater.

Tony was driving a low-profile, black SUV and he got out of the car when Peter stepped outside the building. He had a baseball cap and tinted glasses on, dark blue jeans, a Metallica t-shirt and sneakers, and if Peter didn’t know it was him, he would never have thought that was actually Tony Stark.

“Hey, gorgeous, looking good.” Tony didn’t think twice before reaching out to pull him closer by the hips, stealing a chaste kiss from his lips. Peter blushed and completely forgot he should be worried that Ned or MJ might see them if they came downstairs for something, or even if they looked out the living room window. He wrapped his arms around the older man’s neck and deepened the kiss.

“Thanks, but you should get your eyes checked.” He joked as he let go, taking a small step back.

“Yeah, I think so too, I think constantly staring at such beauty is taking a toll on my eyesight, I’m an old man, after all.” Tony pulled him by the chin and stole yet another kiss. When he pulled away,  Peter shook his head and laughed.

“Oh my God. Seriously, do you practice these lines in the mirror or something?” He had a feeling that if it was anyone else saying half the things Tony said to him daily, he would find it corny and possibly annoying, but somehow the older man made everything sound charming, sweet, sexy, endearing – hell, everything at once. And he always knew what to say to make Peter’s knees go weak, it was unnerving sometimes.

“No, you just inspire me daily, baby.” He gave him a charming smile, as he opened the door and gestured for Peter to get in the car.

The ride to Tony’s place was filled with the sound of the older man humming along to the music playing. Peter didn’t recognize any of the songs, it was a classic rock playlist, but then he heard a familiar beat and thought it was a great opportunity to stick his foot so deep inside his mouth he almost choked.

“I love Led Zeppelin!” He didn’t exactly love Led Zeppelin and he was quite sure he had just heard a cover of that song, not the original version, but he thought he’d sound cool if he said that. When he looked over, though, Tony was laughing his head off. Peter blushed a deep crimson, eyes widening as he realized he must have said something incredibly dumb.

“Oh, you’re not joking.” Finally seeming to realize that the younger man wasn’t laughing along with him, Tony turned down the volume, as they approached Stark Tower’s garage entrance. “That’s Back in Black by AC/DC, kitten. But hey, I love Zeppelin, too, who doesn’t?” He smiled warmly, looking at him sideways, and Peter nodded.

“Oh, right. Yeah. Of course.” Fuck his life. Of course he had to make a complete fool of himself right at the beginning of the night. He wanted to jump out the window from embarrassment, but it would only add to his humiliation, since Tony had already parked and got out of the car.

The older man opened the door for him and Peter avoided eyes contact, as he led him to the elevator. He could still feel his cheeks burning on the ride up, his head was starting to hurt from shame. Was that a thing?

“Hey, don’t be like this.” Tony pulled him into a loose hug, kissing his temple with a soft smile on his lips. “It was an honest mistake. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to identify whatever it is you kids listen to these days.”

It was oddly comforting to hear that. Even though he knew Tony wasn’t trying to be mean to him back in the car, it was hard not to feel attacked in situations like that. Beck always tried to make him feel dumb, inferior and juvenile whenever he got the chance.

So he rested his head on Tony’s shoulder and nodded slowly. He was going to say something like “don’t worry, I’m fine” but it got lost somewhere in the back of his throat when the older man held him a little tighter and stroked his hair.

The whole interaction lasted merely a few seconds, soon the elevator doors opened to the familiar sight of Tony’s living room, looking just as impeccable as it did a couple of nights earlier. The older man gestured for Peter to lead the way and he did, paying closer attention to the details, since he was a little too nervous to do it the last time he was there.

What he realized when he took a look around, was that the penthouse didn’t look lived in at all. It was all glass and metal, shiny floors and sophisticated furniture, black and gray decoration – it looked ready to be featured in one of those shows that listed the most beautiful houses in the world, but it didn’t look like a place he would like to go back to at the end of the day.

“You don’t spend a lot of time here, do you?” Peter asked, as Tony led them in the direction he remembered the kitchen and the dining room were.

“That obvious, huh?” The older man winced and Peter flushed, realizing he might have been a little rude in his observation. “But yeah, when I’m home, I spend most of my time down in the workshop.”

“Ah, the famous workshop. I suppose if I were to visit right now there would be pictures of me hanging on every wall?” He joked, remembering that Tony had once told him that he would hang his pictures in the workshop and never get any work done.

“I mean, not every wall…” He turned to him and winked, leaving the younger man a little unsure if he meant it or if he was just messing around. Sometimes it was hard to tell with the man’s sarcastic sense of humor. “I’ll give you a tour after dinner.” He promised, when they finally reached the dining room.

The table was set in a simple manner, for what Peter was glad, it made him feel more comfortable and at ease. Tony pulled out a chair for him then headed to the kitchen, which was separated from the dining room only by a long, wide counter, where the had breakfast the other day.

The man came back with wine, pouring two glasses for them, then he started placing the dishes on the table. There was mashed potatoes, grilled veggies and roast chicken, and the smell was to die for, Peter’s stomach rumbled and he wasn’t even that hungry.  

“Voilà. This was my favorite meal as a kid, my grandma used to make this for me all the time when I spent summers with her.” He took a seat across from Peter, looking at him expectantly. The younger man found his enthusiasm amusing, so he fixed a plate under Tony’s eager supervision. “Tell me what you think. But be nice, I haven’t cooked this in a while, it might be a little dry.”

Peter took a bite of the chicken first, and it took him a few moments to feel the explosion of flavors on his tongue. The meat was tender and juicy, cooked to perfection, and the seasoning tasted inexplicably like home – it didn’t taste like something he could order at a restaurant, let alone a frozen meal he could buy at the supermarket. He then tried the mashed potatoes along with the grilled veggies and almost cried.

“Tony, this is so good, have you considered dropping everything and starting a restaurant?” he gushed, taking another bite of the chicken only to confirm that, yes, that was probably what paradise tasted like.

“Don’t exaggerate. I already like you plenty, kitten, you don’t need to flatter my cooking skills.” Tony smiled, shaking his head lightly, and if Peter didn’t know any better, he might think he was blushing.

“I’m not, this is seriously the best homemade meal I’ve ever eaten,” he insisted and Tony cocked his head to the side, with a confused smile and a frown

“What the hell have they been feeding you, kid?” He asked and Peter chuckled.

“Well, I spent most of my life in foster care and I was never lucky enough to end up in a family that liked to cook.” The families he stayed with weren’t bad – not compared to some of the horror stories he heard from other foster kids he met in the past – they just weren’t good. They provided him with the bare minimum for survival, so water and enough food to avoid starvation. “And uncle Ben and aunt May, dude… They couldn’t cook for shit.” He laughed, remembering Aunt May’s date loaf, which was probably the worst thing he had ever tasted in his life.

“Well, now I feel obligated to feed you properly,” Tony announced, and Peter quickly shook his head, feeling his face grow red for the hundredth time that night.

“Oh, no, you don’t need to, I wasn’t–”

“I want to, if I’m your only source of good, homemade food, then I’m taking this seriously, kitten.” He pointed a fork at him as he spoke. “And you can help me cook, what do you say? That way I can teach you a thing or two so you won’t starve to death.” Again, the idea that Tony wanted to cook for him was too sweet. He was an incredibly busy guy who probably didn’t even cook for himself, but he was willing to waste that kind of time on Peter. It just–

“Sounds amazing.” He smiled, nodding, and the older man’s face softened when their eyes met.  

“Good.” He took a sip of wine and topped off both of their glasses. “Did you tell your friends you were coming here today?” That seemed like a polite way to ask if they knew about him, and Peter wasn’t sure what kind of answer he was expecting.

“No, they think I’m home.” He watched the man’s face, waiting for his reaction, but there was none, so Peter felt like he should explain himself further. “After my ex – they’re just a little too overprotective, so, you know. I just don’t want them to worry.” Tony raised his eyebrows and Peter’s eyes widened, realizing what that might have sounded like. “Not that I think you’re my – that we’re – I mean, I’m not assuming anything, I just meant –“

“Hey, it’s okay, I know what you mean.” He reached across the table to squeeze one of his shaking hands. “Your friends sound like good people, by the way. You’re lucky to have them.”

“Thanks.” Tony smoothly changed the subject and started talking about his summers with his grandmother and how she taught him everything he knew about cooking. He said that was the reason why his repertoire consisted only of comfort food and Peter thought that was the sweetest thing he had learned about him so far.

Once dinner was done with, Tony kept his promise and gave him a tour. The place looked like a labyrinth made of glass and steel, there were five floors, several rooms with various purposes, but everything seemed sterile and impersonal, like nobody ever stepped foot in any of those places, which somehow made them look lifeless and even a little scary – like a ghost town of sorts. Peter couldn’t help but think that his tiny, mostly empty apartment felt more like a home than all five floors of Tony’s.

Well, all except for one.

“And this is the workshop,” Tony declared with a flourish when the glass doors slid open, revealing a wide, open space filled with worktables, holographic screens, robots, cars, Iron Man suits, and so many other things he had never seen before in his life. “Sorry about the mess.” He didn’t sound sorry, though, he sounded happy and proud, and Peter thought it was the only place in the penthouse that felt weirdly cozy and homey. To his relief – and secret disappointment –, there were no pictures of him in lingerie hanging on the walls.

“This is amazing…” Peter breathed out, realizing that that was Tony’s actual home. There was even a kitchenette in a corner, and next to it there was a small, cozy couch in front of a reasonably sized TV and a fluffy rug. He supposed Tony took naps there, too, because there was also a blanket draped over the back of the couch.

He walked over there, followed closely by the older man, and took a seat, sinking into the soft pillows.  

“I think this is my favorite room.” He blinked up at Tony, who regarded him silently for a few moments, and Peter started to think he had fucked up again. “What?” He whispered, but his answer came in the form of a kiss. He immediately melted into it, all worries flying out the window as he opened his mouth to taste him better.

Tony pushed him gently until he was lying on the couch with his larger body on top of him, and he’d be lying if he said that wasn’t the best feeling in the world.

It was a tight fit, but they made it work, as pieces of clothes were thrown to a pile on the floor; as skin met skin and made the room feel unbearably hot; as hands explored and mouths danced together and teeth left secret claiming marks on eager necks; as he felt, once again, full and sate and whole, and then spent and lax and dazed in the best of ways.

Suddenly, what had been frantic and passionate became slow and soft, what had been loud and messy became quiet and wholesome.  

The room was silent then, as their bodies slowly cooled down. Tony was lying on his back on the couch and Peter was lying on top of him, chests flush together, breathing in and out in sync. He felt a blanket being draped over his shoulders and he all but melted into the body underneath him.

“Can I ask you a question?” He whispered quietly into Tony’s neck, after several minutes, not sure if the older man had fallen asleep, his breathing was slow and constant.

“Baby, you could ask me anything right now, there’s no way I’d say no to you.” He answered right away and Peter giggled, pushing himself up on Tony’s chest to look down at him.

“Why did you want to meet me? For real?” Tony, whose eyes had been closed until that moment, opened them to gaze at him. He was quiet for a while, as one of his hands found the small of Peter’s back under the blanket and started rubbing circles on his skin.

“I liked talking to you.” He answered quietly, eyes locked on his. At first, Peter thought that was all the answer he was getting, and he would have been fine with that, but Tony kept talking. “You made me feel alive again.” His heart raced and his breath hitched in shock. He blinked down at the older man, who raised his free hand to tuck some of Peter’s curls behind his ear. “You see, things were… rough. After Thanos.” He remembered the funny story Tony told him in the restaurant a few nights earlier and was surprised to see such grief in the man’s eyes. “I had these nightmares. Anxiety attacks. Couldn’t sleep most nights.”

Peter reached out and ran a finger across the man’s forehead, trying to smooth down the frown that had formed there. Tony smiled, grabbing that hand to give it a little kiss.

“Pepper wanted me to give up the suit for good, said it was killing me and she wouldn’t stand by and watch it happen. On top of that, my relationship with some of the Avengers was strained, to say the least. I thought retiring from the Avengers would be enough to solve most of my problems, but I was wrong and everything just kind of snowballed from there. So what I mean to say is that by the time I met you, I was… Fucking exhausted.”

“Tony...” He frowned, heart clenching, because he could hear the pain in the man’s voice and how much he meant every word and it was devastating.  

“I looked forward to talking to you every night, you know. Still do. I don’t why you got under my skin like that, but you did. So when I said I needed to meet you, I meant I needed to meet you.” He smiled and Peter’s heart skipped a beat. The whole confession was almost too much to handle, too much to believe. At the same time, he knew what Tony meant because he had also been in a very dark place when they met and, somehow, talking to him brought some light back into his life. “My turn?”

“Sure.” Peter smiled, entwining his fingers on Tony’s chest and resting his chin on top of them, looking at the older man’s face.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, I have a feeling this might be a bit of a touchy subject for you.” He cautioned, and Peter gulped. He knew what was coming and he thought about not answering, but Tony had been honest with him, so he took a deep breath and nodded.

“O-okay.”

“How did you end up doing porn? Not that it’s bad or anything, you just sounded so uncomfortable the other night... Like you’re ashamed of it, or regretful.” Tony asked carefully, one of his hands was still rubbing soothing circles on the skin of his back.

“Hm… Well. It’s complicated. I guess the short answer is: I was young and dumb and my older boyfriend convinced me it was a good idea. Then he left me and took all the money and everything we’ve ever built with him and – and now the only thing I know how to do is porn, so… Yeah.” It was a very short version of what happened, but very accurate as well. Tony frowned, raising an eyebrow.

“What do you mean he took everything?”

“He told me to pack a bag and leave. Whatever I couldn’t fit in my bag stayed behind, as well as the social media accounts, the channel, the money… He locked me out of everything.” Peter’s voice grew weaker as he spoke, because he felt so fucking ashamed. Of everything. Of admitting he let a man like Quentin into his life, that he made so many terrible decisions just so he could stay with him, only to be treated like that in the end. It was fucking humiliating.

Tony sat up in a haste, forcing him to do the same, until they were both facing each other on the couch. The older man’s eyes were wide, he looked so shocked it was almost funny. Almost.

“Peter, that’s – why – wait, and what do you mean he convinced you to do porn? Is it not something that you want to do?” Peter dropped his gaze for a second, not really sure what the true answer to that question was. If he was honest with himself, most times he just avoided thinking too much about what he was doing.  

“Well… I don’t hate it anymore, I guess,” he settled on that, after a few minutes of silence. “Sometimes I even enjoy it now, like… Like when we talk,” he mumbled the last part, raising his eyes again to look into Tony’s warm ones, and the older man looked back at him with – what? Worry? Regret? Guilt?

“So you hated it? Before?” He insisted, and Peter knew he could still choose not to answer if he wanted to, Tony wouldn’t force it out of him, but still – Peter wanted to tell him. He wanted Tony to know.

To know him. All of him. Even the parts that hurt.

“I did.” He whispered, holding back the tears that filled his eyes when the confession left his lips, because that was something that he never wanted to acknowledge. It took all he had to hold Tony’s gaze and not look away in shame. “I just felt… kinda shitty sometimes. Like… I wasn’t even human, just an object to be used and abused and disposed of.” He continued, swallowing a lump in his throat. He couldn’t read Tony’s expression, but his eyes were gentle as always, there was no judgment there. “I didn’t feel like my body belonged to me anymore.” Saying that aloud came almost as a surprise to Peter himself. He always tried so hard not to think about those feelings he almost believed they didn’t really exist, even though they were always there at the back of his mind.

“Pete...” Tony cupped his face in both of his hands, he looked so torn, it almost made Peter regret telling him.

“I’m doing okay now, I promise. I’m in control of my body, my choices, my money. I’m fine now, really,” he vowed and Tony pulled his head closer and pressed their lips together – it wasn’t even a kiss, just a caress.

“I can help you.” He offered with determination, holding his face in his hands, looking straight into his eyes and they were burning with anger, but Peter knew it wasn’t directed to him. “I can help you get everything back, I can make his life a living hell for doing that to you, I can –“

“Please, don’t,” He winced, shaking his head firmly, lifting his hands to hold Tony’s wrists, feeling his pulse and how fast his heart was beating. “Okay? It’s in the past. It’s over now. I don’t want to – relive it, I just want to forget.” His heart raced when the older man closed his eyes and started shaking his head. “Tony?”

“Peter, you can’t ask me to –“

“I am asking you leave it alone.” He insisted, a little desperately, but Tony’s face was locked in a frown and panic started creeping up on him. He couldn’t bear to think about confronting Beck, having to see him again, maybe talk to him again, he just wanted to move on, to forget he ever existed. His eyes burned and he closed them, trying to get his breath under control, but he could feel his hands shaking. “Please, please, don’t make me –“

“Hey, no, no, no.” Tony gathered him in his arms, rubbing his shoulders in a soothing way. “I’m sorry, no, I would never force you to do anything, okay? It’s your choice.” He cupped his face in his hands again, peppering kisses on his cheeks and forehead. Peter started calming down slowly, and even laughed a little when the man’s beard tickled his nose. “You know that I see you, right? And I mean I see you, Peter Parker, not the persona in the videos or the pictures, and you sure seem pretty fucking human to me, kid. You know that, right?” Tony kept holding his head in between his hands, forcing Peter to look back at him, which wasn’t necessary, he couldn’t look away if he tried.

He smiled, nodding slowly, leaning in to kiss his lips. The older man lay back down, pulling him along, until they were back to their original position. He rested his head on Tony’s chest and closed his eyes, sighing in relief.

He felt Tony wrap his arms around his waist, holding him tight, and he thought to himself that if heaven looked like Tony making breakfast in the morning and tasted like his cooking in the evening, it certainly felt like holding him at night.

-x-

Tag list (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list):  @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud @staticwhispersinthedark @bluestarker

Sorry for the long chapter, guys, it really got away from me 🥴 Only four more chapters to goo ✨✨

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Smoke & Mirrors - part 2

Neil x Reader

Chapter 2: What kind of man

(see chapter 1)

summary: the matchmaking trio changes their strategy, and you end up on a sparring mat with Neil

warnings: language and other explicit things, 18+ and I MEAN IT

author’s note:  ...you know what? I don’t want to take any responsibility for where this chapter ended up going. Those characters have mind of their own and at this point I can just write it down and try not to die on the way. (I know it’s far from what we’ve discussed A, but it’s best I could do with what these two had given me, promise to do better next time)

The song for this chapter is Florence + The Machine - “What kind of man”  (changed from “Undisclosed desires”, don’t ask me, I don’t know either)

Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think, please?

___

“...and you really think this is a good idea?” 

“It sure beats yours,” said Ives and took a sip from his cup.

TP huffed and smacked his arm. “Hey, I thought it was our idea!”

“What matters is,” - Wheeler chimed in, fighting a losing battle to hide the annoyance in her voice - “it was a terrible one, and we have to do better if you want them to not get each other killed on the field.”

Ives pondered for a while. When he looked at Wheeler, his eyes were full of concern. “Honestly? This sounds like a recipe for someone getting hurt.”

She kept forgetting how protective he could be over his friend. Although this time, she thought, the one at risk was definitely Neil. 

Wheeler smiled reassuringly. “Trust me, it’s gonna work.”

_________________

There was a certain peace in the emptiness of the HQ’s shooting range in the early morning. It always helped you clear your head - there was no place for emotions while you were holding a gun. And you always knew when to come there to be alone. 

At least up until today.

Just as you finished your routine and grabbed your bag, the door opened and you were greeted by the smirk from under the messy blonde mane. 

Bloody perfect.

A week had passed since the bar encounter, seven long days filled with Neil’s tiresome presence during your work time. If it wasn’t a merged mission of your squads, there were training sessions. The shooting range was your last place free from the walking reminder of your recent failure. 

Not anymore, apparently. 

“Going out already? Too bad, I was hoping to get some tips from you.”

“Aim and pull the trigger. Repeat. It’s really that simple,” you said, shrugging.

The blue eyes narrowed behind yellow-tinted lenses of the safety glasses as Neil sent a forced smile your way. “Never would have guessed,” he deadpanned.

You passed by him, not willing to allow him to get under your skin. But then, just as you were about to exit the room, you stopped and cursed internally at yourself. Closing the door and turning around, you placed your bag quietly on the ground and leaned back against the wall. With your arms crossed, you watched Neil as he prepared his pistol and started the practice. 

You studied his posture, the way he held the gun in his gloved hands, trying to find any weak points in his technical side. There wasn’t too much to improve, his problem with shooting during the missions must have been elsewhere. You briefly glanced over the rolled sleeves of his navy blue shirt and the way his jaw tightened when he checked the target to grade his accuracy. 

“Look at that, you actually can hit a target,” you said and the corner of your lips twitched. “An easy one and not quite lethally but still, I’d call that a progress.”

Neil scoffed and glared at you over the shoulder. “I thought you were done for today.”

The subtle hints of frustration rang in his voice, catching you by surprise. You didn’t know why, but all of the sudden, the satisfaction you felt had a bitter aftertaste. 

You eyed him carefully before speaking again, this time easing up on the mocking tone. Just a bit. “Maybe you just need to train in a more stressful environment.”

A sardonic smile tainted Neil’s lips as he focused on the target again. 

“Keep talking then.”

You snorted, shaking your head as you left the shooting range. 

Fucking hell, he was just infuriating.

_________________

You stared at the bulletin board in disbelief. The new training lineup added one-on-one sparring sessions, and your name was all the way at the bottom of the list, which only meant more late evenings at the headquarters. And as for the choice of your sparring partner-...

With the corner of your eye, you spotted a familiar figure, trying to sneak by you unnoticed. You turned around quickly. “Ives, why do you guys hate me so much?”

He sighed slowly and patted you on the arm. “It’s nothing personal,” he said, his voice almost sincere. But you knew better, and after the crap they’d pulled on you last time, you had every right to be suspicious. 

“You could have picked anyone else for him,” you complained, quite desperate to try anything to avoid spending more time with that blonde pain in the ass.

“I didn’t pick shit,” Ives scoffed. “Besides, it’s just the combat practice, the usual training rotation stays the same.”

“And it’s a coincidence-”

“It’s not,” TP’s voice rang from behind you. “It’s the result of your recent evaluation.”

You stifled a curse. 

_________________

Neil’s brows furrowed in fake concern while he looked you up and down as you kicked off your shoes and stepped on the mat. The fact that you accidentally matched your black tank top and shorts to his black t-shirt and sweatpants didn’t get lost on him.

“What’s with the frown, sweetheart?” he teased. “I thought you might enjoy it, I saw the way you look at me.”

You smacked your lips as you began to stretch your arms and sneered, “Good, so you know how much I want to punch your stupid face.”

Neil kept his features casual, but the taunting sparks in his eyes were saying plenty. 

“I can’t wait to see you try.”

You started circling each other slowly. After seeing him in combat, you knew that you were in his domain. You tapped into all your bottled anger to cover the lack of confidence you suddenly felt in his calm presence. 

“Ground rules?” you asked, putting your guard up.

Neil’s shoulders raised in a slight shrug as he mirrored your pose nonchalantly. 

“Just show me what you got.”

And that’s what you did. 

You always considered your close combat skills adequate. Good enough to let you get out of most of the situations you’d found yourselves into during missions. But after yet another blocked hit, you weren’t so sure about that anymore. 

Meanwhile, Neil was clearly having fun watching you struggle to break through his defense. “You don’t like hand-to-hand combat,” he rather stated the fact than asked as he dodged under swing aimed for his head and lunged forward, tapping your right side to mark the exposed area. 

“If you’re that close, it means I’ve failed to shoot you,” huffing in frustration, you spun around and kicked, missing him just barely. Neil didn’t give you too much time to regain your balance, making you jump out of the way of his flying knee. He flitted around you and grabbed your wrist, twisting it quickly and pressing it to your back, quickly adding your other one there before you could do anything about it. 

“You never let anyone near you, huh?”

A cold shiver ran down your spine as you tried to wriggle your way out. Neil was definitely too close for comfort, both literally and figuratively. “You’re not my therapist, blondie,” you uttered through gritted teeth, taking a sudden step back right into his arms, a change of direction finally allowing you to escape his grasp.

“Thank god, because I feel sorry for them already,” Neil laughed dryly. His eyes narrowed as he watched your mouth open in disbelief at his remark and a shit-eating grin crept on his face. 

You don’t know what pissed you off more - the fact that he was bent on driving you mad, or the sudden realization that the fucker was clearly holding back. It didn’t matter that you were struggling enough with the moderate effort from his side; to you, it was an insult worse than the comment. 

You brushed a sweaty strand of hair from your forehead. “Aren’t you tired?” you snarled, shifting your balance back and forth. The question was vague enough, but from the way his expression changed, you knew he got the hint. The predatory flare in his eyes made the heart race in your chest. 

Neil sprung at you, faking a misstep on the way to throw you off balance. Your senses sharpened enough to predict his next move and you were there to deflect a lightning-quick hit to your abdomen. You returned with a strike at his side but to no luck. Neil ducked under your elbow and closed in on you, giving himself enough momentum to knock you down and pin you to the mat.

The self-satisfied stare just a few inches from your face was making the blood boil in your veins. Cursing internally at both his reach and flexibility, you squirmed under Neil and that only made him press his forearm to your chest even harder, a roguish smile tainting his lips. “See, there’s one thing you need to learn. You need to work smarter, not harder.”

An outraged cry built in your throat as you clenched your hands on his arms, trying to gain any leverage in your position. You glared into the blue eyes, the nauseating hate burning in every cell of your body.

Neil raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Oh no, did I hit a nerve?”

You let out a frustrated groan. Of course, that son of a bitch hit a fucking bullseye. And to make matters worse - he had a point, too. 

Neil spotted a change in your expression a second too late. You swiftly moved your hands and sneaked them under his t-shirt, sliding them up his stomach. His eyes widened as he gasped, reducing the pressure on your chest. That gave you enough room to maneuver, rolling him off you and pinning him with his wrists above his head. 

With your faces again just inches away from each other, both of you panted heavily; a part of you enjoyed Neil’s amused gaze, his mouth slightly open as he tried to level his breath. And then - 

“Good girl. Just like that.”

...fuck.

You didn’t know what exactly made your brain short-circuit. Was it the hoarse voice combined with the praise? The way the blue eyes suddenly got darker? Or both together?

And you didn’t even know how you found yourself underneath Neil again, flipped on your stomach, your hands behind your back. With one cheek pressed against the cold mat, you shivered at the sudden warmth of his uneven breath on your neck. 

A throaty chuckle made your heart skip a bit. “Two can play the game, darling,” he purred as his lips brushed against your ear. 

Your mind went blank again. 

Somehow, you made your way back to the shared locker room.

You leaned your back against the wall, crossing your arms. The tension between the two of you was almost volatile, elevating your heartbeat with every second passed and every step Neil made your way. 

“You’re insufferable.”

You grinned slyly as your eyes flared up. 

“The feeling is mutual, blondie.”

The way his gaze got even darker made your breath hitch. The burning sensation inside of you was something more than hatred now, not caring if you were ready to admit it or not.

He smacked his tongue, a vicious smile dangled in the corner of his lips. 

“You really should stop calling me that.”

The hidden threat in his tone made your mouth dry. You raised a brow and held your breath. 

“Or?”

He closed in on you and grabbed your chin harshly.

“Or I’ll make you.” 

You flashed your teeth and taunted him again. 

“Can’t wait to see you try.”

Neil hummed and moved a pad of his thumb against your lips, making you gasp breathlessly and lose all the resolve you had left. A dry chuckle in response to your expression was enough to haze your mind. You tilted your head as Neil leaned in, drawing his attention just where you wanted him. It took all your willpower not to sigh when he sucked at the skin just below your ear and your fingers raked through blonde hair, pulling Neil even closer. 

His hands roamed your body hungrily while his mouth moved down your neck. When you felt his fingers going up your thigh, you tugged at his t-shirt, and as they moved even higher, your hips bucked involuntarily, so eager to feel him where you needed him the most.

A sharp chuckle against your collarbone as he palmed over the almost completely soaked-through fabric of your shorts sent a bolt of pleasure through your every nerve. You could feel your core pulsing even harder as his long fingers rubbed you just right.

Your hand flew back up and yanked at his hair, making him look at you just before you trailed his jawline with your mouth. Neil groaned and a laugh rattled in your chest. 

You reached for his waistband, but he was faster. Next thing you knew, your shorts and panties were gone and Neil lifted you and pinned you to the wall. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he slid his arm around your lower back. You nearly cried out when he thrust into you mercilessly; instead, you dug your nails into his back and sank your teeth in your bottom lip. As Neil picked up the pace, you clung to him for dear life. The heat radiating from his body carried the musky smell mixed with the almost fade-out scent of his cologne, the combination so intoxicating it made you lightheaded. You felt yourself tighten around him as he ground into you relentlessly, and pathetic whine escaped your mouth. Hearing that, Neil slowed down, almost stopping and you groaned in frustration when you realized what he was doing. 

“I hate you,” you uttered through gritted teeth, panting heavily, rolling your hips, longing for the friction that son of a bitch was purposely denying you.

Neil pulled back enough so you could see the roguish sparks in his eyes accompanied by a mischievous grin. 

“Don’t be so dramatic,” he teased, his voice low and raspy.

You huffed, outraged by the audacity and he laughed, burying his face in the crook of your neck as he picked up where he’d left off. The fire he’d just fueled blazed in your veins, your heart raced in your chest and you felt yourself climbing the peak again. Wrapping your arms around him and pulling yourself closer, you frantically gasped for air and squeezed your eyes shut as you came undone with a loud moan, the pleasure hitting every fiber of your body in violent shockwaves. That was enough to send Neil over the edge, a deep groan escaping his mouth as he came into you, tightening his grasp on you almost painfully. 

At that moment, you were nothing but a trembling mess in his arms. Coming down, you pressed your forehead to his, enjoying the way your breaths intertwined. 

When both of you regained your senses, you pushed him away and picked up your clothes. As you were both decent enough, you glared at Neil.

“This changes nothing,” you said. 

The self-satisfied look in his eyes made you realize your mistake. 

No nickname. 

You cursed internally, but it was already too late. He’d had it his way, in the end. 

Neil’s lips curled in a half-smile.

“How tragic.”

(next chapter ->)

[alleycat97]

New Girl in Town

Veronica x Mc (Bea)

Queen B Series? Part One?

Taglist: @samanthadalton @fundamentalromantic @iamsimpforpoppy @kwaj115 @robintora @blaine-hayes @penda-bear @dopeyouth @kamilahismyqueen

Bea had just arrived in NYC a few days ago to attend the prestigious Belvoire University after her family came into a fortune allowing her to attend the Ivy League school over her community college.

The big city was a culture shock to Bea who knew nothing other than flat fields and hog pens. She had never seen so much concrete in all of her life and it was beautiful.

Her roommate, Zoey Wade hadn’t moved back in yet. It was still a few days until the official start of school but Bea took the time to get acquainted with her new school and city.

Needing to polish off her bedroom located in the Winfrey Dorm complex, she took off shopping. Not familiar with the city, she went with what she knew, Target.

Money changed her life in many ways, but she was never ashamed to stay humble and shop like anyone else. That and some of the stores she looked up on her phone were so fancy, she couldn’t pronounce the names.

She opted to walk, seeing the store was only a couple of blocks and she didn’t need much more than a handful of items. The campus was still quiet, some students could been seen walking about, most of them like Bea, wanting to get an early start, and others were tied to summer classes.

One could get lost in this concrete jungle, Bea thought as she winded through the crowds and streets. Familiarizing herself with the large city, until she found her destination.

She grabbed a cart and set off, checking the items off her list left and right. That’s what was amazing to Bea, no matter the city of the store, Target seemed to be universal to her. She was comfortable, so comfortable in fact, she realized she started snagging items not on her list and soon enough she had a cart full.

“Okay Hughes, THAT is the last thing I’m grabbing I swear.” Bea sighed as the intercom buzzed to life.

“Attention shoppers, Target is having a sale on all KitchenAid appliances, isle 15. Sale’s up to 45% off. Offer ends in 30 minutes.”

“Hmmm, I do need a new blender. Frozen margaritas are a must.” Bea told herself as she hurried around the corner not paying attention when she collided carts with another shopper, making their items spill over and mix on the floor.

“Hey! Watch where you’re….” The girl stopped, looking over her shoulder trying to contain herself.

“I’m terribly sorry! Please let me!” Bea frantically scrambled over and began to sort the items embarrassed.

“It’s ok.” The girl sighed annoyed.

“Here you are…” Bea stood, freezing as she got lost in the brown eyes of the shopper.

“Well? Are you going to just keep my stuff?” She smirked.

“Oh! I’m sorry, here.” Bea blushed, placing the girls items into her cart. Before gathering her own. Suprised to see a pair of beautiful manicured hands helping her. “Thanks.”

“No problem, but you should really watch yourself next time. Not all New Yorkers are as forgiving as me.” The girl smirked.

“Well consider myself lucky then. I’m Bea by the way.”

“Veronica.”

“Im sorry again, I’ve got to get back. Ive spent way too much time here already it’s going to be dark soon.”

“Where are you heading?” Veronica asked unenthusiastically checking her phone.

“Belvoire. I just enrolled there.”

Veronica stopped and looked up impressed, maybe even alittle excited.

“What?” Bea asked.

“Forgive me, but Belvoire is alittle far from home for someone like you farm girl.” Veronica teased.

“Hey! How do you know I’m a farm girl?”

Veronica quirked and eyebrow, “Have you heard yourself talk? And don’t get me started on your fashion. You scream pig wrangler.”

“Hey!!!” Bea hissed.

“Calm down, it’s cute.”

Bea’s mouth opened slightly, did she just say that?

“But if you’re going to be attending Belvoire, you need a new wardrobe, those kids will eat you alive.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“Stay close newbie, I’ll hook you up.”

A flash behind Veronica pulled Bea’s attention in that direction. “Was that a camera?”

“What?” Veronica quickly spoke checking over her shoulder discreetly dismissing the camera crew. “I don’t see anyone?”

“Hmmm I could have swore I saw a flash.”

“Anyway, Bea? What do you say? Update that wardrobe?”

“I’d love to but I really need to get back. I’m not familiar with this city yet and it’s a good walk back in the dark as is.”

“Well allow me, I’ll drop you off after we go hit some shops I frequent.” Veronica offered.

“Ok, it’s a deal.”

The two paid for their items and Veronica pulled her G Wagon around so they could load their items up.

The two spent several hours in Veronica’s favorite stores buying Bea all sorts of new clothes. The two exchanged a lot of information between them during this period, growing more comfortable by the minute.

It was fun for both. Bea had an amazing figure Veronica noted as she used her sense of fashion to help the girl reach her potential.

Bea also didn’t let it escape that Veronica was very ‘hands on’ in the dressing room. She didn’t seem to have much of a filter but also kept it professional.

If someone would have asked Bea when she woke up today, If she would end up in a dressing room with a complete stranger who took her shopping, she wouldn’t believe them. But here she was, with Veronica placing a delicate hand on either hip, looking over Bea’s shoulder into the mirror with her.

“Now this is gorgeous.” Veronica added but Bea couldn’t hear her. Veronica’s hands had sent her into orbit and the heat had intensified in the changing room.

Bea slid around in Veronica’s grasp and hungrily looked into her eyes. Veronica’s eyes betrayed her and Bea pressed her lips into Veronica’s.

Veronica stopped and made sure the door was locked before shoving Bea down on the seat and straddling her, both succumbing to the passion that was building amongst them.

…

Veronica dropped Bea off at school and offered to walk her to her dorm. Bea was going to refuse the assistance but she needed the extra set of hands.

Veronica followed closely behind Bea enjoying the view all the way to Winfrey. She was glad no one important was on campus yet, she wasn’t ready to deal with that drama yet.

Bea offered for Veronica to come inside however she denied, simply kissing Bea on the cheek and leaving her phone number. “Call me sometime gorgeous.”

The next few days went by like a blur and summer break officially had ended. Zoey had moved in and the roommates wasted no time becoming friends. Zoey had been there long enough now to help coach Bea in the do’s and don’ts.

But Bea also made herself available to Veronica, hitting the town each night to grab dinner or just drive around. Veronica was so sweet once you got past her barriers. From a distance she seemed placid and very direct. She stayed glued to her phone, it occupied most of her time but Bea was figuring out how to command her attention.

Veronica’s life flourished around her follower count and her brand. School was important to her yes, but her brand was her lively hood. It’s all she knew. But it was nice to step away from it here and there. It was also nice to have someone like you for, well, for you. Bea had no clue who Veronica was or that she was a social media influencer. Bea didn’t even know Veronica was enrolled at Belvoire either.

Bea wasn’t stupid per say, it was just under the circumstances she met Veronica, she just seemed like any other person. Bea was connecting with the true Veronica, not the one everyone gets to see behind a screen. And that’s how Veronica wanted it.

But as soon as school starts, the other Veronica has to stay on display. She had an imagine to keep and a spot in the rankings to uphold with her friends Poppy and Chloe.

Speaking of dumb and dumber, they were both seething in the sorority house, on the first day of school no less.

“I can’t believe the nerve of that girl! I mean who does she think she is?” Poppy screamed.

“Dont worry Poppy, I know you will put her in her place, you always do.” Chloe replied.

“What’s going on in here?” Veronica quizzed sitting on the armrest of the couch.

“Maybe you would know, if you showed up on time you cow!” Poppy yelled.

Veronica rolled her eyes, turning her attention to Chloe. “Chlo? What happened.”

“She said I looked like Malibu Barbie’s knockoff cousin!” Chloe whined.

“Who!?” Veronica impatiently asked again.

“Who do you think you idiot! The new girl!” Poppy spoke up. “Little miss piggy is about to learn the hard way what happens when you mess with me.”

“And me.” Chloe pouted.

“Shut it Chloe! It’s not always about you.” Poppy said dismissing Chloe.

“And who is this new girl?” Veronica asked, hoping her gut was wrong.

Chloe pulled out her phone and slid all the way down to the very bottom of the rankings, and sure enough, it was Bea. Veronica’s heart fell through the floor. She didn’t stand a chance against Poppy’s wrath.

…

“Zoey!? What the hell was that? And who exactly are those girls?” Bea asked once she was in the safety of her dorm.

“The ditz was Chloe St. James. Resident idiot and Poppy’s best friend.”

“Funny friendship they have.” Bea scoffed.

“They used to be super close. Chloe wasn’t the decked out designer wearing blonde you saw today. Poppy took her in and they became quick friends. They are one and two in the school rankings and the power has went straight to Poppy’s head.”

“There it is again. The school rankings? And what is this ‘tea’ everyone keeps mentioning.” Bea asked pulling her phone out checking emails.

“The T.” Zoey laughed. “It’s like the CNN of Belvoire. It will make or break you. Anyone can post to it and that’s how this school’s ran. You seem to be popular on it today.”

Zoey showed Bea the article on the T posted minutes after her quad fight with Poppy and Chloe. “From the trailer park to Central Park, accepting all rags to riches story?” Bea fumed, Zoey trying to calm her down.

“Veronica was right. Students here are animals.” Bea whispered earning a sidewards glance from Zoey.

“Did you say Veronica?”

“Yeah. It’s a girl I met at target the other day. She was warning me about Belvoire and things like this.”

Zoey dismissed the idea that they were talking about the same Veronica. That girl would never be caught dead in a Target.

“If you want to prove these haters wrong, and piss Poppy off, tomorrow is the Alpha’s back to school party. Normally, we wouldn’t be invited, being in the triple digits and all, but as good as we look, the boys won’t turn us down.” Zoey smirked.

…

“How did your commercial go at Target the other day?” Chloe asked entering Veronica’s room.

“It was going good. I think we have enough to go with. I didn’t get finished like I wanted. I bumped into someone…”

“Ohhhhh spill!” Chloe squealed making Veronica wince.

“I’d rather not…” Veronica started getting cut off by Poppy entering the room.

“Alright losers, tonight’s the Alpha’s party. Dress cute and do not piss me off.” Poppy seethed staring at Veronica.

“Why are you looking at me?”

“Because you’re hiding something from me, I can sense it. You weren’t at the quad with me and Chloe yesterday. It’s not like you to stand us up.”

Veronica sighed, there was no way she was going to out herself and tell her why she was absent. She in truth, was trying to run into Bea. Or At least spot her on campus. It turns out however, the girls found her first.

“I was just settling in Pops, no worries. Busy summer and all that.” Veronica lied.

“I’m watching you. Chloe? Let’s go.” Poppy sneered eyeing Veronica suspiciously.

…

The Alpha party was in full swing by the time Poppy and her minions showed up. And to her surprise, there was Wannabe and New money. Pissed was an understatement.

All the Alphas were hovered around Bea like she was the queen, they were hooping and hollering her name, she had built up a nice following, smart move Poppy thought, but she ran this school.

“Must be a shock hearing people call your name that aren’t packing a pitchfork, frankenBea.” Poppy smirked, silencing the party.

Bea turned to meet Poppy with her two mindless followers, Chloe and?

“Veronica!?” Bea shouted in shock, making Poppy glare at the girl in question.

Veronica waited until Poppy turned back around to crack a small smile at Bea.

“What are you doing here?” Bea asked but before Veronica could speak, Poppy cut her off harshly.

“Listen Wannabe, you’re interrupting our party, although, I see you have made an impression on Luis and his brothers. A real big step up from new money over there. And since you seem to have a sense for fashion, I might make you my friend, you just have to ditch the deadweight.” Poppy smiled looking at Zoey.

“Hard pass. Why the hell would I want to be friends with you?” Bea asked. “Zoey is a true friend, unlike you.”

“Hmmm, that’s cute and all. But you don’t understand something farmsville, I run this school. Everyone obeys me, I can make your time here heaven, or a burning hell.”

Bea eyed Veronica, mischief glistening in her eyes. “Well you see Pops.”

“Don’t call me Pops newbie”

“Well Pops, you say you run the school? You say everyone obeys you and you don’t like when people get out of line?”

“Get on with it loser.” Poppy sighed.

“I just find that hard to believe when one of your own has been corrupted by me.” Bea smirked earning a smile from Veronica.

“What is she talking about Poppy? Hey! What are you talking about?” Chloe asked confused.

“Veronica? Dear? Care to join me in the pool? It’s jello.” Bea spoke holding her hand out to Veronica who gladly took it.

“Zoey? Here’s my phone, it’s set to live, I want my followers to see this.” Veronica asked handing the phone over.

“Followers? Hmmm you never mentioned you were famous.” Bea teased.

“I’ll tell you all about it tonight.” Veronica winked.

“Veronica! Don’t you dare do it!” Poppy screamed.

“Yeah! Get away from her V!” Chloe tried.

“Oh live alittle Pops! It’s just jello!” Veronica said running to the edge tackling Bea into the pool. Laughter and giggles filled all around.

“Come on Poppy, jump! Unless you’re scared.” Bea challenged her climbing out.

“Get away from me pig-pen!” Poppy protested. Even Carter couldn’t get Poppy to jump.

“Let’s go Chloe, we are leaving these losers.”

“Poppy wait!” Veronica called out, dripping jello everywhere.

“What now traitor.”

“I was just gonna tell you….” Veronica, with her muscular body, hoisted Poppy up and slung her into the pool, sending the entire party nuts.

“VERONICA!!!! I’LL KILL YOU!!!” Poppy cried out.

Chloe helplessly stood at the edge like a puppy trying to get Poppy out. “Someone help her! She has like, a jello phobia!”

Bea couldn’t help herself, “Try getting closer Chloe, you can almost reach her!”

Chloe stupidly believed that and leaned too far herself and fell in the pool. Now she was the one pouting.

“You’re so dead farmsville. I will end you.” Poppy threatened grabbing Chloe tugging her away from this disaster. “Veronica, we will discuss this.”

Once the two were gone, Bea sat down on the pool step and pulled Veronica onto her lap. “My hero.” Bea teased.

“I’ve been looking all over campus for you and you happen to be at the last place I expected.” Veronica whispered gently biting Bea’s bottom lip.

“Don’t you think you could have told me you went here to? We could have taken the manhunt out of this.”

“I did it to protect us. I didn’t want you to think I was like her.”

“You’re nothing like her V.” Bea said stroking Veronica’s cheek.

Veronica leaned into her touch and smiled. “Maybe not, but in here, im not the angel you met in the city. Poppy is manipulative and nasty. She can ruin anyone at anytime. Even me.”

“And I’ve put a target on your back.” Bea sighed.

“I’m a big girl Bea, this was going to get way too complicated so I’m glad its out there now. Poppy will come around.”

Bea pulled Veronica in even tighter and placed delicate kisses up her neck and then sealed the motion with a long kiss on the lips, only to get stopped short by Zoey.”

“Hey Veronica? Your followers want you two to get a room.”

“You’re still on live!?” Veronica jerked back and sprinted from the pool snagging the phone, ending the live. “I didn’t mean record the entire night!”

“Well you gained like 10k new followers after you tossed Poppy into the pool. I figured it was good for the cause.” Zoey laughed.

“Hmmm, only 10k?” Veronica sighed.

“Hey hey.” Bea sauntered over grabbing Veronica by her hips. “You may have gotten 10k more followers, but none are more important than me.”

“Oh how right you are.” Veronica smiled trying to kiss Bea who pulled back.

“Nope, not until you explain who you really are miss social media star.”

“Uhhh fine, let’s go somewhere private.”

“Zoey, we’re taking over the dorm.”

“Have fun you crazy kids! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

[theroyalmile]

Body by Chemo

Last weekend I went for a 9-mile bike ride to downtown Boston and back.  I was admittedly nervous and skeptical about this ride beforehand for a couple of reasons.  First, it has been years since I rode a bike, and I know there’s that whole expression “It’s like riding a bike” but I’m not sure that expression is all that accurate.  Second, I have never ridden a bike in Boston.  Third, I get winded these days going up and down my stairs, so I was not sure I quite “had it in me.”  But, my whole household was going, it was a beautiful day, and I had been promising myself I would make an effort to be more active.  So off we went.  Oh, and there was a promise of breakfast sandwiches and coffee and donuts once we made it downtown- nobody could say no to that.

The beginning of the ride was rocky.  The original bike I borrowed was just a little too tall for me, and because of that I felt incredibly unsteady.  I traded bikes with one of my roommates and that bike ended up being a better fit for me- a few loops around a parking lot and I thought, “Hey, it really is like riding a bike.” With my confidence reasserted, we hit the bike path.  

The bike ride was, overall, beautiful.  I did find myself getting winded and had to stop a couple of times.  My roommates had been prepared to take it easy with me, and were very supportive.  Eventually we made it the 4.5 miles downtown and I felt so incredibly proud for conquering my first time back on a bike and first time biking downtown, all while dealing with the fatigue, shortness of breath and other goodies that come with my chemo treatment.  I felt empowered and heartened, which made me feel optimistic about the ride back home.

That optimism was short lived; almost immediately after we took off it became apparent that my body simply could not handle it.  I told myself we just had to get out of downtown and back on the bike trail and then I would ask to stop.  We made it and I signaled everyone for a quick break.  I thought maybe if I caught my breath and had some water it would be okay.  One of our bike squad members offered for me to try their bike to see if that made a difference.  I hopped on bikes a block or so, and then hopped off almost immediately- it just wasn’t going to work.  As I hopped off, right after we had crossed an intersection, I heard two men yelling from a car about some girl having a fat ass, or something to that effect.  Regardless of whether they were talking about me or someone else who had crossed the street with us, that was the final kick for me.  Any experienced fat girl understands that you will always think those comments are about you, even when they are not.  (Disclaimer: I do not mean “fat” as something negative, and I am definitely not looking for people to tell me I’m not fat, I’m simply stating a fact about my body).  Anyways, it was at this point I felt the tears of frustration welling up and knew my ride was done.  I told the crew I couldn’t go any further and would walk while they biked on.

There is a certain trauma that comes with being fat and exercising.  It’s almost like you never want someone to see you fail at any kind of physical activity because it feels like you're reinforcing the stereotype, like, oh of course the fat girl can’t finish the bike ride.  My roommate had offered, very kindly, to come back and pick me up in the car.  That was an indignancy I couldn’t bear- it was one thing to fail to finish the ride; it was another to have to be driven home.  No, I said stubbornly, I would walk my bike home.  Caleb of course insisted on walking his bike with me.  

As we walked our bikes I became more and more upset.  Part of it was the embarrassment of being a fat girl walking a bike home.  I almost want to scream at passers by “It’s not because I’m fat- I have cancer!” But another, bigger part of it was the reality of admitting to myself that chemo had changed my body, and it simply wasn’t up to the tasks it might normally have been.  Eventually I became upset enough that I had to stop and let myself have a small breakdown.  Caleb hugged me while I cried and tried to keep me in perspective. “You’re going through chemo” he reminded me, and tried to help me realize that having made it as far as I had was a feat in itself.  He walked across the street to grab me tissues and a gatorade so I could cry, rehydrate, cry, and rehydrate some more. 

****

Here’s the thing about chemo- it has made me feel incredibly betrayed by my body.  I have always been overweight, since my teenage years or even earlier.  Different versions of overweight, but overweight.  That was just the way it was, and I had reached a certain level of acceptance of that.  But I had always prided myself on how active I could be.  Pre-pandemic I could run 4-5 miles no problem.  I would hit the gym three times a week, I would get the steps in.  I was still fat, I was active, and I felt good about myself.  

Because of chemo, I am now fat, inactive, and feel terrible all the time.  I get winded walking up stairs, I am exhausted by my five minute walk from the T to my office downtown, and I find a short walk will tire me out for an afternoon.  And it’s not just my stamina.  It is absolutely everything.

The skin around my mouth had begun peeling and reddening.  My cuticles are dry and peeling and hurt.  My hands and feet are dry and cracked.  My arms are bruised up and down from frequent IVs. I oftentimes cannot open my medicine bottles or jars without help.  My hair, of course, is completely gone, not just on my head, but my nostrils too, leaving me with an almost constant runny nose.  My eyebrows are thinning, along with my eyelashes, and I pray to whoever is listening to please not take those away from me too.  My hands shake, and have turned dark brown from the cytoxan (which thankfully I am done with).  My memory is terrible.  I am breaking out like I’m back and middle school. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, despite me doing nothing all day. AND I get hot flashes now! Oh and I am hungry all the time.  Honestly ALL THE TIME.  

Here’s the thing- my body and I have been in a constant battle since I was 12 years old.  It took me 10-15 years to learn to love my body for what it was, with the understanding I was never going to have the same body as my friends, was never going to fit their clothes, and was never going to be the traditional idea of “in shape.”  But we had come to truce, my body and I.  I had found acceptance, and even joy in my body.  I had even got to a point where I wore a bikini for the first time since I was a child the summer before the pandemic and it felt amazing, liberating.  I followed plus size models like Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday on Instagram and thought heck yeah, if they can do it so can I.  

My cancer treatment has taken the pride I had in my body and the control I had over my activity levels and appearance and destroyed every last piece of it.  When I was having my worst struggles with my body in college, therapists used to ask me to list my favorite things about my appearance.  My top two on that list were always the same: 1) My hair and 2) My boobs.  Well, cancer has taken one of those things from me already and will have taken the other by the end of this summer.  Like I said, my body has betrayed me now in more ways that I can count.  And that betrayal is likely not going to end for a long time.  Honestly not until there is no cancer in my body any more.  Because let’s be real- that’s the biggest betrayal of all.

Whenever I catch myself in the mirror these days it has the potential to ruin my whole day.  There are few outfits that make me feel comfortable and attractive.  My face feels round, rounder without hair to frame it. I try not to look too long, lest I find more things to hate.  I am terrified of upcoming social gatherings, and wonder how on earth will I be able to feel remotely happy about my appearance for them.  

Chemo has reshaped my body in so many ways, some that I am only starting to realize.  It is hard, fitting into this new body and becoming accustomed to it.  It is even harder learning to love it.  Indescribably hard.  I think I can get there but sometimes it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Moments like the complete few minutes of despair I felt during our bike ride sometimes make that light seem even further.  But it’s important to remember those moments are often fleeting, and can change with a little perspective.  

****

After I cried it out on the bike path, I checked the time and realized we really needed to start heading home.  Caleb had a vaccine appointment to make and I was an hour away from committing murder of some poor bystander out of sheer frustration.  I looked on Google maps and found the walk home would be 48 minutes, probably more pushing a bike and with my sad little chemo lungs.  The bike ride home? 12 minutes.  So back on the bike I went, and it took every muscle in my body to pedal that 12 minutes home.  Fueled by my anger and embarrassment, and the residual tears, we eventually made it all the way home.  

I originally found little pride and satisfaction in our trip.  All I could think about was how I couldn’t bike the whole thing, and about how those guys in the car had yelled, and how much I hated my biking outfit, and how defeated and mortified I was feeling.  

Sometimes perspective takes time, but eventually I found some.  I owe a lot of the perspective to Caleb’s support and encouragement both during and after the bike ride, and to my parents pride and excitement as I was telling them about my biking adventure.  I also owe a lot of it to a nap, a much needed shower, and a new day.  With perspective I rediscovered some of that pride I had lost.  Nine miles there and back?  I did that shit.  And yeah, maybe I didn’t bike the whole thing, but I sure as hell did the whole thing, and did the whole thing while in the midst of chemotherapy treatment.  While in the midst of poisoning my body beyond recognition.  I am a freaking badass. 

And what did I do that evening?  Ate my body weight in sushi because I wanted to.  

I know there are going to be a lot more ups and downs like this.  That bike ride was filled with some very high highs and some very low lows.  This is going to happen.  And while I don’t know exactly what to expect from my body in the months to come, I do know that whatever happens I’ll see y’all at the beach in July- I’ll be the fat girl with the bald head in a bikini eating an ice cream cone.

[hopecountysfavhoe]

‘Cold’ Chapter Sixteen Pt.1

Rating: 18+? This rating thing is harder than I thought it would be lmao

Word count: 2,271

The Deputy woke up in a familiar bed. Her head was pounding, causing her to keep her eyes shut. Then she heard it.

Beep, beep, beep.

     The gentle beeping of the heart rate monitor in the clinic. Instantly her eyes shot open. The Deputy looked around at the room she was in, it was the clinic room she fought to get out of so desperately. She tried to rub her face but something blocked her hand from lifting. She looked down and saw that her hands were hand cuffed to the edge of the clinic bed.

     She tried to remember what happened and how she got to the clinic. She remembered shooting with Grace and the walk back to the church but after that it got dark. Panic suddenly grabbed hold as she went down the list of what could have happened. What if she heard 'Only You' and hurt Grace? What if she hurt Nick or Kim or even worse, Carmina? The Deputy struggled against the handcuffs, desperately trying to find someone to tell her what happened.

     Hearing the Deputy struggle, the doctor walked in to check on her.

     "Good, you're awake." She greeted in a kind voice and pulled out a clipboard.

     "What happened? Did I hurt anybody? Why am I handcuffed?" The words stumbled out of the Deputy's mouth quicker than she could sit up.

     "Everything is fine, you just gave your friends a good scare. You were shot with a Bliss Bullet but thankfully Grace was able to get you out of harms way before any Peggies got their hands on you. As for your handcuffs those are just precautionary to make sure you don't hurt yourself or yank out an IV." Relief from the doctor's words instantly made the Deputy relax. She leaned back into the bed, not straining against her holds. "All of the Bliss should be out of your system by now." The Doctor said and checked an IV she had hooked up to the Deputy.

     "How long do I have to stay here?" The Deputy asked as the doctor unlocked her handcuffs.

     "I can discharge you now, but you have to use your crutch. And have you been taking your pills?" The doctor asked and the Deputy nodded while rubbing her wrists.

     "Everyday at the 8 am and again at 8pm." The Deputy informed her and the doctor nodded.

     She scribbled a note on her clipboard before she looked down at the Deputy. Her face told the Deputy exactly what she was going to say before she even said it. "What did I say about gunfights?" She asked.

     "I didn't even do anything this time! I was just walking with Grace and I got shot." The Deputy defended herself and the doctor nodded.

     "Look, I get it. You don't like taking a break, you want to get back out there and protect people but your health has to come first." The doctor lectured her and the Deputy pushed her hair out of her face.

     "I understand but I can't just take a break. People die if I take a break, my friends die if I take a break." The Deputy argued and the doctor held up her hands defensively, she didn't want to get the Deputy too upset.

     "While you heal a little more just help people in a different way, maybe you can deliver food to people or help plant a garden? Just something that doesn't get you put in harms way. You got lucky this time, Deputy. Your reaction to the Bliss didn't cause you to re-injure  yourself, but I don't know if that kind of luck will last. I'm discharging you but you still need to be back for that two week check up." The doctor's words were firm and the Deputy knew there would be no swaying her mind.

     But the Deputy was an adult and she could make her own decisions, even if they were the wrong ones so the Deputy just agreed to whatever the doctor told her to do so that she could stop fussing even if she knew she would ignore the doctor. The Deputy got discharged and left the clinic, happy to be out of that place.

     She found her truck sitting in the driveway, that must have been what Grace drove her to the clinic in. The Deputy got in and drove back to Nick and Kim's house to apologize for scaring them.

     When she pulled up to the house Nick was working on his truck in the front driveway. "Hey Nick." The Deputy greeted and got out of her truck.

     Nick was bent over the hood, fiddling with something in engine. When he heard the truck pull up he glanced back to see who it was. When he saw the Deputy get out of the truck he backed out of the hood and turned to face her.

     "Hey Dep, how are ya feeling?" He asked and immediately the Deputy noticed he had a black eye.

     "What happened to your eye?" The Deputy ignored his question.

      "It's nothing." Nick turned back to look at the truck, he always did that when he was deflecting.

      "Did I do that to you?" The Deputy asked, her tone softened with concern.

     Nick turned back around to face the Deputy, his head angled toward the dirt. "Kinda, well not really, but yeah..."

     The Deputy rubbed her forehead. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "Did I hurt anyone else?"

     "No, me and Grace held you down before you could hurt anybody." He admitted and the Deputy let out a deep sigh.

     "I'm really sorry, Nick. It won't ever happen again." The Deputy kept apologizing, shame and fear evident in her voice.

      "Hey Dep it's ok, I know it wasn't directed towards me. It's fine now anyway right?" Nick asked and the Deputy shook her head.

     "I shouldn't be here, I'm putting you and Kim and Carmina at risk especially with John looking for me." The Deputy told Nick and he looked to the ground.

      "As much as I hate it, I think that's true. I'm sorry Dep, you know you're welcome anytime but maybe you should stay somewhere safer, just till things die down a little bit." He suggested and the Deputy nodded.

     "I'm gonna go stay with Sharky for a while ok? Just until things blow over some. I have to go grab my crutch and my jacket." The Deputy wasn't angry with Nick's suggestion, actually she was happy about it. Now she didn't have to worry about taking advantage of Nick and Kim or about John's men coming in in the middle of the night for her.

     Nick nodded and let her go to the house. "Kim isn't here, just so you know. She took Carmina over to a friends house." Nick advised the Deputy.

     "Got it, thanks." The Deputy walked up the front steps and made short work of finding her crutch and jacket. It looked like it was in the middle of being mended. Kim has stitched up numerous holes and the frayed hem of her sleeve. The Deputy didn't remember asking her to do that but it was heart warming.

     Honestly the Deputy didn't know why she'd even come there other than Kim's wishes. She was putting everyone in that home in danger just by being near it, she was putting Carmina in danger. The thought of something happening to any of them because of her made the Deputy's stomach turn.

     Before she left the Deputy found a piece of paper and wrote a note to Nick and Kim thanking them for letting her stay with them. She set the note on the coffee table and grabbed her jacket and crutch and left the house. She said one final goodbye to Nick and drove off.

While she drove the Deputy felt around in the pockets of her jeans until she found what she was looking for. It was a small paper note that she'd peeled off the Bliss bullet when it first shot her. Now she unfolded the tiny note and read what it said.

Come home, soldier.

It was Jacob, he'd found her.

The Deputy fumed while she drove. Jacob fucking Seed was the one that shot her, or at least he sent one of his men to shoot her. Everything added up to him being there though. There was no capture party, there were no hunters, nobody to pick her up. He just shot her with a Bliss bullet to fuck with her head, not to kidnap her.

The Deputy muttered curses to herself (and Jacob) while she watched the scenery around her change from the warm sunny fields of Holland Valley to the tall pines and old cabins of the Whitetail Mountains. She may have told Nick that she was going to spend sometime with Sharky but she changed her mind. She had some revenge to take.

She'd already called Jess on the radio and asked her to meet her at the lumbar mill. Jess was more than happy to agree, especially after hearing the vengeful tone in her voice. When she pulled up to the lumbar mill Jess was already standing out front, her bow ready in her hands. The Deputy didn't get out of the truck, just stopped and let Jess get in.

"Where are we going?" Jess asked while she hopped in the passenger seat.

"I don't know but it might get messy." The Deputy warned as she backed out the way she came.

They drove in silence for a while, not even listening to the radio. Jess glanced over at the Deputy. "Not that I don't love this new vengeful side of you but I gotta ask, where is it coming from?" She asked as the Deputy pulled down a random dirt road.

"You know how they say 'it's all fun and games till you kick the hornets' nest'?" The Deputy asked and slowed the truck to a halt.

"I don't think anyone says that but I get the point." Jess admitted and looked over at the Deputy while she put the truck in park.

"Well Jacob Seed has officially kicked this hornet's nest." The Deputy shut off the truck and hopped out. Jess followed her as she marched into the woods.

"Alright! Now we can have some real fun!" Jess exclaimed and hefted her bow. "What are we gonna do to him?"

"We're pretty close to the Veterans Centre, aren't we?" The Deputy asked and Jess nodded. "We're going to send Jacob a little surprise." The dark tone in the Deputy's voice was making Jess uncomfortable. Yes that is Jess as in the trash-talking, scary Jess. So her being uncomfortable meant a lot.

"What are you planning?" She asked hesitantly. She of course wanted to fuck with Jacob but she didn't know how far the Deputy was willing to go.

"You'll see." The Deputy assured her and snuck through the trees. They walked in silence until they could hear the sound of the Veterans Centre, the men training and Judges howling, the trucks driving in and out. It was bustling. The Deputy and Jess managed to avoid every guard that Jacob had stationed around the place as a perimeter.

They got pretty close to the Veterans Centre, perched up on the same hill that Jess was shooting the guards from when they got the Deputy back. The Deputy looked into the Centre with her binoculars.

"What are we doing?" Jess whispered to her friend.

"I need you to shoot one of those guards with your bow."

"Sounds easy."

"And I want you to tie this on your arrow." The Deputy handed Jess a small note. Jess unfolded it and read it.

"Do you really think I'm going to let you do this?" Jess asked as the Deputy went back to counting guards with her binoculars.

"Don't worry, I have a plan. Can you do it?" She asked and Jess, of course, nodded.

Jess refolded the note and tied it to an arrow. "Who do you want me to hit?"

The Deputy found a guard standing on the front step that seemed perfect. He was in clear view of most everyone there and besides, how perfect would it be to send Jacob a message right to his front door? "The one on the front step." She said and Jess nodded.

It was a pretty far shot but Jess knew she could make it. She pulled the arrow back in her bow, aiming for the perfect arch to hit the guard. She took a deep breath and let the arrow fly. Immediately they both ducked down to prevent getting spotted and the Deputy peaked in at the scene of chaos through her binoculars.

The arrow hit dead on in the guards neck, causing him to crumble immediately. As quick as he fell the entire Centre erupted like an anthill. People rushed and grabbed guns, preparing for an attack. "That's our queue." The Deputy nodded to Jess and they both turned and slid down the hill further into the forest and away from the Veterans Centre.

It wouldn't take long for Jacob's men to radio the guards around the perimeter to be on high alert so the Deputy and Jess had to make it past the guards first. They made their escape with only the one casualty, not killing a single other guard or hunter or anything.

When they made it to the Deputy's truck she couldn't help but grin. She knew for sure that that was going to get Jacob's attention. Now all she had to do was wait.

[maple-writes]

WHG 15: Post Games 8

@concealeddarkness13 (thanks for Triel) (Only tagging you this time since I realize after I wrote this Indigo's side isn't super relevant to the overall plot lol)

###

Indigo went back to work a few days after Triel’s beating. Her rib still hurt like all hell when she moved in the wrong way but any longer and people would start to ask questions. It was exhausting though, more than usual, checking on her employees and ongoing projects with her side aching and Aurora all but breathing down her neck with how many times she’d tried to get her to come join her for dinner that week. After the last time she didn’t need to get drilled again. Thankfully Churi seemed to be giving her a little bit of space for now at least.

The last of her staff went home for the day and Indigo leaned back as far as she dared in her office chair. She should really be going home too, but she didn’t move. Even being back for a while now she was behind on reports and queries, and everything really. She could catch up at home but her stomach dropped just thinking about it. Who knew how Warren would be today, whether they’d be fine or in tears when she walked in the door. She groaned, draping an arm over her eyes. All she wanted to do was lie down and sleep but that wasn’t an option. Not here.

She glanced at the calendar on her desk. Right. On top of everything one of her favorite projects was going to be terminated tomorrow. Indigo pushed herself back up, wincing at the sharp ache in her side. The least she could do was check on the bird one last time.

Indigo’s footsteps echoed though the empty hall lit by dim running lights. The last staff to leave for the night must not have realized she hadn’t gone home. Not like she really needed the light to navigate by anyway. She’d gone this way more than enough times before now.

Scanning her card she slipped into the wing where the live specimens were kept. This late at night most were sleeping. Only some stirred when she passed their enclosures and even then they raised their heads just long enough to recognize her and go back to sleep.

The bird was no different. Indigo stopped in front of her enclosure. A clipboard hung on the door, marked with the file name Parrot Cross – Weapon Class ver. IV. The bird blinked away as Indigo unlocked the door and held out an arm.

“Ivy, come.” The bird fluttered down from her perch and landed softly on her arm. “Good girl.”

Indigo stroked the soft feathers along the back of her head, smiling when Ivy leaned into the touch. It was stupid, getting attached to any one of these mutts but there was something about this one. She was clever, clever enough to pick favorites and she didn’t think it evaded Snow how the bird seemed to obey her more eagerly than his peacekeepers. She sighed. By the time she gave it a nickname it was too late to not start to care for her.

“I know it’s late,” Indigo murmured as she stepped out of the enclosure with the bird. “But how about we go for a little walk?”

She nudged Ivy up onto her shoulder and brought her out of the wing and back through the abandoned halls. Passing under the lights her feathers shone bright colours. Even her claws, huge and sharp and hooked seemed to gleam. Her beak and the short claws at the edge of her wing shone less bright, more smooth and hardened to grip and tear. Ivy’s head swiveled as they passed doors and offices and posters hung on the walls. She’d never been out this way, out of the lab proper, and chattered excitement into Indigo’s ear.

“I know a place you might like.” She smiled up at the bird, looking down at her like she understood her every word. Her smile faded though when she remembered why she had her out in the first place. “It’s the least I can do for you. Let you stretch your wings a little bit.”

She stopped at her office for her bag and some files before taking Ivy to the lunch room that might have originally been planned to be a proper cafeteria. The room was wide with high ceilings and vent systems Ivy could hop around and perch on. Indigo closed the door behind them and released Ivy to explore. Massive wingbeats echoed through the empty room as she took off straight for the exposed pipes on the ceiling. She left her a moment to grab a little pouch of frozen berries from the freezer, tossing one for Ivy before sitting at one of the tables.

Ivy caught the berry mid-flight and Indigo smiled just a little before opening the file she brought with her. She put on some music to fill the silence but it didn’t seem to help. The words all blurred together and nothing stuck. Her mind wandered too far. Ever since Triel’s video she’d had to keep a closer eye on how her subordinates in Umbra Ursa were doing. If they found out she knew where Skyler was this whole time and didn’t go after him… There’d be mutiny. There was already something rumbling just under the surface, something she couldn’t put together. She’d been Ursa Major for a long time now. Long enough for ambitions to simmer. Then there was Aurora. If she found out about that video she would have her head, as if she wasn’t probably more than halfway there already.

Something moved in at the edge of the room and Indigo turned half-heartedly. None other than Triel stood cursing under her breath and staring. Indigo startled and dropped her paper.

Was she here to kill her? Indigo whistled to get Ivy’s attention and quickly signed “block” and pointed to the door. The bird swooped down and landed herself down to block the entrance. At least now Triel couldn’t make a quick getaway with Ivy at her back, even if she was here to finish what she started.

But Indigo didn’t get up. It wasn’t worth the ache it would bring. “Here to cause more problems?”

Triel crossed her arms. “I could ask you the same question.”

Fuck, she didn’t have the energy for this tonight. She leaned back in her chair and sighed up towards the dusty ceiling. “Really?” There was an edge to her voice, not enough to maim but enough. “This is mylab. Is it so strange I would be here?”

“You never stay this late. That’s why I specificallypicked this time.” How did she know that? Or better question, was it really that late already? “Do you really think I want to see your face right now?”

“There’s a very short list of people who genuinely want to see me so no, no I don’t think you want to see my face.” Did anyone? Did anyone really go out of their way to see her with no motive? Indigo huffed and shoved her papers away. “Especially after what you did to it last time.”

Triel smiled, the little shit. “Did you find the video I sent you amusing?”

She glanced at the mutt, eyes heavy and shoulders slouching. “No, not really.” Why lie? “Impressive you made it but you’re causing a lot of trouble for me right now.”

“Good. So, what horror are you working on right now?”

Indigo’s face fell and she gestured to Ivy. “Her?” That bird was hardly a horror. She paused a moment, lowering her voice when she continued. “She’s being destroyed tomorrow. She was meant for peacekeepers as aerial support but they said she didn’t perform correctly.” She raised her hands and signed “OK” to the bird, and she flew over to land in front of her and pluck a berry out of her outstretched hand.

She’d been there for part of the preliminary work between Ivy and one of Snow’s units. Whatever they taught to peacekeepers these days it wasn’t what made for an effective handler. How could they be confused why the bird didn’t seem eager to perform when there was no reward for her, and all her orders were shouted and given by force instead of any attempt at cooperation? Indigo clenched her teeth. She’d watched a peacekeeper give an unclear order and yell at her, and another strike her out of frustration.

“It’s bullshit.” Indigo spat. “They wanted something semi-autonomous and didn’t like it when it displayed autonomy and bit someone who handled her roughly.” Not to mention when she made her own decisions, adjusted her orders by what she saw. What they wanted was a robot, not a mutt. Ivy was nothing but effective with just a little respect.

Triel inched a little further into the room and signed “come,” to the bird and held out an arm.

Ivy cocked her head a moment but in the next she obeyed perfectly. A few wingbeats and she landed on Triel’s forearm. She shifted, careful not to break the skin with her talons and Indigo had to swallow against the bitterness in her mouth. If only Snow’s forces were as competent as some unpredictable teenaged girl and maybe Ivy would have stood a chance.

“That sounds familiar.” Triel growled, looking from the bird to Indigo before taking a deep breath but it didn’t seem to get rid of the anger in her voice. “You’re not trying to convince me of anything right now, so you don’t have to tell me bullshit anymore: Where is Churi holding my crew?”

Was that what she was here for? “I told you the truth. They got out and I don’t know where they are now.” As far as she knew Churi and the others hadn’t the slightest idea either but Triel didn’t seem the type to just take her word for it. Indigo leaned down to her bag and pulled out her bottle of wine and a little travel cup, thankful she’d thought to bring it with her. “I don’t have any need to lie to you. I’d tell you if I knew.” She opened the bottle and poured herself a cup, set the bottle down and nodded towards the side of the room. “There might be a glass in the cupboard there if you want some.” If Triel was having a night anything like hers, she’d appreciate a drink.

Triel took her up on the offer, grabbing the first glass she saw and filling it up with Indigo’s wine. She downed the first glass all at once and poured a second as Ivy shuffled off her arm and onto the table. Indigo slouched in her chair, heart falling just a little. It couldn’t have been easy being her right now.

“I call bullshit on that because what about—” her voice cracked, “about Shine? That was their decoy phone. So, you had to have known where they were to have that.”

Indigo raised her cup to her lips and took a long, slow sip. She let her eyes wander from Triel to Ivy as she sat and preened on the table. What should she say? That Shine was alive and well? But she couldn’t, not if she wanted to keep Triel in line and by extension further out of Churi’s wrath.

This was for her own good. “They were alone. The whereabouts of the others are still unknown.” Maybe it would help, just a little, to know the others were safe.

Triel’s grip on her cup tightened, knuckles white as her voice wavered. “Why did you have to kill them? You—you told me you could use them. And that would have been hell, but at least they would have been alive. At least I would have been able to do something.”

She choked and Indigo couldn’t bring herself to look. “I’m sorry, Triel.” It was the closest she could come to telling her the truth. “Others got to them first and by the time I got there the best I could do was make it quick.”

“Did you know that the Capitol has a person who can magically heal wounds, even though it makes them hurt so much worse?” Anger shook her words. “I do, because that’s what they’ve used to keep my magic in check.” She slammed her now empty glass down the table hard enough to make Ivy twist her head in surprise. “So, I call bullshit on that.”

Indigo clenched her teeth and jutted forward. “What do you want me to say?” She snapped. “Would you rather I took Churi’s approach and beat them to death? Or cut them up over and over for whatever wizard to patch them up to do it again?”

“If they wee still alive, I could save them.” Triel stood and signed “come,” to Ivy, glaring down at Indigo as the bird landed on her arm. “And if you fucking touch any of my friends again, you’ll get worse than just a bruised face. You piece of shit. I’m taking Mina before you can destroy another life.”

Mina? “Her name is Ivy.” Indigo glared, anger rising more than she would have liked but it was gone too quick, replaced by something heavier, colder, and she leaned back. Destroy another life. It was true, wasn’t it? “She’s an omnivore, and she likes berries.” She whispered and tried to loosen the vice around her throat but now, tonight, there wasn’t much she could do to stop it even as she tossed Triel what was left of the berry pouch.

She’d take care of her. If she could keep crewmates loyal enough to risk their lives for her she could be trusted to treat Ivy fairly.

Triel nodded, catching the bag in one hand. “I’m taking Ivybefore you can destroy another life.”

She left, the door shut, and it was just her again. Hunching forward to rest her head in a propped up hand she hardly heard the low music anymore, staring down at the plain tabletop. She should be grateful for Triel showing up like that, in the nick of time and taking Ivy somewhere safe but… The ceilings towering high above and the dozens of empty tables around her but it was her own fault. Triel was right.

Enough. Indigo forced herself to sit up again. She opened her file again, turned her music up and tried again. If she could push everything else aside, she could get this done. She just had to focus.

[ladybugsfanfics]

A Cacoethes For Doing Stupid Things | Steve Rogers

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Style: One Shot

WC: 4.1k+

Warnings: mutal pining, some angst, dumbasses, maybe some swear words

Summary: This is for @buckysknifecollection​‘s writing challenge, which is due today so I’m right on time, huh? My prompt was “That’s not a real word.” and it will be bolded in the story. 

A/N: i know im not too active currently and im kinda sorry, but ive been sick for the last week and im tired and struggling to write, but im doing my best and hopefully i have more coming soon! Thanks for sticking with me anyways ^_^

“It’s easy.” Sharon stands at the head of the table, blocking the previous shown pictures of the male the team’s supposed to gather information on. “Well, except the getting into the location part.”

Natasha reads through the guest list for the event; a gala on New Year’s Eve in Paris. Her gaze flickers up from the papers to you for the split second of a moment, then they go back down into the paper. And then she does it again, but instead of going back to the paper, they land on Sharon. “I have an idea.” 

“Shoot.” 

“Steve is on the guest list.” She turns the paper around and slides it across the table towards you. “Someone could be his plus one.”

You shake your head. “He’s retired. Why would he agree to be a part of a mission?” 

“He won’t be part of it,” replies Nat, “he’ll just be the gateway inside.”

“For one person. What about the rest of us?” You cock a brow. 

Nat smiles, or rather smirks. “You’re the one going in. And if you do your little tech thing and hitch yourself up to his phone, we’ll get more information than we could ask for.”

You don’t hide the sigh that travels through your body. “Why me?” 

Sharon and Nat share a look you don’t like. And you know their next words before they leave Sharon’s mouth. “You got a little history. The world already knows, plus, the world doesn’t know you’re a SHIELD agent, they know Natasha is.”

“Dammit,” you whisper under your breath. “Have you asked Steve? I’m not doing that part.” 

“Considering we just thought of it, no, but don’t worry. He’ll say yes.” Nat winks your way as she stands and walks out of the room, phone already in hand and pressed to her ear before she’s out the door. 

You let out another sigh, give Sharon your patented displeased look, and follow Nat out of the briefing room. Steve saying yes wasn’t exactly the part of the plan you were worried about. 

---

“The plan is simple. You go to Paris, act like a couple, get into the gala, find the target, plant the device on his phone, have a good time, act like a couple, mission done.”

Sharon’s words haunt you during the car ride to the airport. There is just something so annoying about having to spend this much time with the person you thought was the love of your life but then went on and broke your heart instead (and then tried to get it back but you weren’t having it). 

Because of Steve’s retirement, you have to take a commercial flight to Paris. He’d also booked a room for three nights; the night you get there, the night before the gala, and the night of the gala. 

And the best part is that you have to spend all three nights with him there to keep up the appearance and not alert that this is a mission. That’s not the easiest thing when you haven’t talked to someone for well over half a year. 

Bucky helps get your luggage out of the car (a suitcase each), and he gives Steve a hug and a pat on the back before he moves to you. He pulls you in for an embrace and you relax into his touch. “Give him hell,” he whispers. 

You scoff. “Kidnap me instead.” 

“Sorry, no can do.” Bucky pulls out of the hug and you shake your head in disappointment. “Don’t do anything stupid. Either of you.” 

Steve nods and you try for a smile. “We won’t,” says Steve. The two of you watch as Bucky drives away, and then you head inside. 

Neither of you say anything during the check-in, nor anything during the security control. First as you’re waiting by the gate, and the silence settles as awkward because (despite you pulling out a book) neither of you have anything to do or occupy yourself with, does Steve say something. 

“I’m sorry you have to come along like this.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t think about asking Tony for a private jet, but I’m also a tiny bit happy about it because that means less emissions.” You shake your head and try to read the words on the page in front of you. It doesn’t work. They swirl around like a bowl of alphabet soup, but you’re not gonna show that because you really don’t want to talk to Steve unless you have to. 

Thankfully Steve doesn’t push it, and it’s not long before they announce that boarding can start. You both get up, grabbing your carry-ons and walking to the line already made up. It’s now the problem really starts; now you can’t even have a book as an excuse not to talk to him. 

Act like a couple .

God, Sharon’s voice is a pain in the ass. You’re supposed to make the appearance that you’re a couple, but you can’t even have a normal conversation. You’re also standing with too much space for that to seem true. 

Your heart hammers inside your chest, but you still make the move to grab Steve’s hand and intertwining your fingers. He looks down at you, wide-eyed, but in a moment, he’s trying to suppress a smile. You can see the contours of it on his face, and you wish you could wipe it off. 

You also wish you didn’t enjoy it so much yourself. 

But you get to let go as you get onto the plane, and you don’t make a move to hold it again on the move there and to your seats. You do slightly enjoy how Steve’s shoulder touches yours as you sit, the space not big enough for your comfort zone but perfect for accidental touching. 

(Honestly, Steve, you’re rich. Why didn’t you get first class on a six hour flight? Like, come on!)

“Do you need more space?” he asks, though, as you settle in and practically press yourself to the window. 

You shake your head. “Gonna sleep anyways, so I’m good.” 

“Sleep? Won’t you struggle sleeping tonight? You’ll sleep through the day.” He cocks a brow. 

“Relax, old man. I like sleeping, I don’t get a lot of it, watch me make the best of it. I slept like two hours tonight so sleeping now shouldn’t say anything.” You roll your eyes at him and use the scarf that was around your neck as a blanket. The wall is hard, but better than nothing as a pillow. (If you know yourself right―and you do―you’ll end up using Steve as a pillow anyways. Hopefully, that’s not the better part of the flight.)

---

“Hey, sweetheart, we’ve landed.” Steve’s voice is barely audible. He nudges you slightly, and you blink yourself awake. It takes about two seconds to realise you used Steve as a pillow, and you’d thought it’d be his shoulder, but, no, your head is in his lap. 

And that’s all it takes for you to shoot up. That’s all it takes for you to become wide awake. (The sweetheart part did also do something, because that’s what really had your heart beating so fast, but you don’t want to acknowledge that.)

You busy yourself with taking off your seatbelt and grabbing your backpack (the carry-on). In your head, you’re trying to figure out how you could end up in his lap. There’s an armrest between the seats, and you didn’t pull it up, meaning Steve did. 

Think about something else, god, please think about something else . 

You will yourself to divert your attention over to what you dreamt about instead. But it was short lived and nothing exciting, so you’re quickly lost back to your mind running around about Steve. 

Who’s the one to grab your suitcases off the baggage claim (and help some other girl that struggled with hers―and yes, your gut felt stabbed and your heart ached when she tiptoed to kiss his cheek to thank him for his help). 

However, you’re not really one to say anything about… that, so when he comes back, you keep your mouth shut and take the suitcase he offers you. In your free hand, you go back to intertwining your hand in his. Act like a couple . If it didn’t feel like you burned your hand off at Steve’s touch it would be easier, but alas, his touch is scorching. 

And you enjoy it all too much. In fact, you’ve missed it. 

It’s all you can think about when you let go of his hand to get a cab into the city, and it’s all you can think about as the silence settles over the cab ride. You barely listen as Steve checks into the hotel, and you only gain back your consciousness when his hand grazes yours (bringing back the scorching heat) as he gives you your own key to the room. 

You’re brought back to a deep crushing reality you hadn’t expected when you unlock the door to your room and walk inside. 

It’s rather big; a desk by the floor-to-ceiling window, a chair below it and an armchair in the corner with a lamp (nice reading spot). The door to the bathroom opens into a rather big one with both a tub and a shower, and there’s a little wardrobe in the entry-way with a safe. 

The thing that has your heart hammering in your chest and the feeling of impending sweat making its way down your back, is the fact that there’s only one bed. It’s big, or more than big enough for two people, but you know that―no matter what kind of wall you build between you two―you’ll end up sleeping pretty close to Steve. You let out a sigh, and when you turn to Steve (who places his suitcase on the suitcase holder) he smiles apologetically at you. 

“I’m sorry, I… Didn’t think about the fact that there’s only one bed.” His hand goes up to scratch his neck. 

You shake your head. “Whatever. I’ll be building a wall, and I guess it would be a little weird with two beds seeing as the hotel workers are supposed to think we’re a couple too.” You’ll just have to make the best of it. 

“Okay then. You hungry? You didn’t eat anything on the plane and it’s already nine.” 

“Yeah, food sounds good.” Even though the last thing you want is to go out and eat; you’ll have to act like a couple, which means touching him. You don’t think you can survive the beating of your heart and the way your skin burns at his touch. 

But you can’t survive without food either. And it’s nice practice for what tomorrow brings. A day in Paris going sightseeing with Steve Rogers, and in public you have to play his girlfriend. 

Can this mission be over yet?

---

Sleep comes late. When you and Steve got back from eating, you were tired, yes (despite the long nap on the plane), but you couldn’t bear falling asleep in the same bed as Steve. The excuse to read some (and sit in that cozy chair with the lamp) comes so easy that even Steve doesn’t know how to reply. 

He shrugs and makes his way to the bathroom as you get out a book and sit down in the chair. 

It is as cozy as it looked, and you’re quick to kick off your shoes and tuck your legs underneath you. The book, on the other hand, is not that enticing. Instead your gaze goes to the view outside. 

Night lies over Paris, yet there’s a thousand lights in every direction. An orange hue comes off them, and a quiet, romantic feeling sets in you. It aches, knowing that it’s pretend. It aches knowing that you and Steve haven’t really talked. 

Even during dinner, it was rather quiet. Only a few words were exchanged. A few questions about the retired life, about how it is working for SHIELD. Nothing much. Nothing more than a few dozen stolen glances, from you at least. 

The handle of the bathroom rattles as the door opens. To make sure Steve doesn’t say anything about going to bed, you open the book and let your eyes run over the page. You hear him walk around, rummage through his suitcase a little, and then the bed creaks as he settles into it. 

You lift your eyes, stealing another glance at the man. Your heart leaps to your throat seeing that he’s sleeping in only boxers. He’s leaning against the headrest, cover only pulled up to his hips and you have to chide yourself for not looking away. 

If he catches you, you’re not sure whether you’ll live to go through with the mission. After all, the hardest part of it isn’t gathering intel and placing the device on the target’s phone. No, the hardest part is being so close to Steve Rogers and having your heart ache at the sight of him. 

“Are you gonna stay up long?”

At the sound of his voice, you lift your gaze fully to look at him. Your throat feels awfully dry, but you swallow and shake your head. “No, I don’t think so. Just like reading a bit before going to bed.” 

He nods. “Okay. Did you want to build a wall?” His voice is small, so gentle, and the ache in your heart grows bigger. 

“I don’t think we need it. Just keep to your side of the bed, okay?” You try for a small smile, and when he nods and gives one back, you relax slightly. 

The book is no easier to read now than when you were waiting to board the plane. It’s a lot harder, actually, and you don’t think Steve’s fallen asleep when you put it away and make it to the bathroom. You grab a big t-shirt that you usually sleep in and your toiletries on your way, and try to make as little sound as possible. 

Maybe you spend more time there than you need, but you need to psych yourself up. You’re not ready to be this close to Steve, not ready to maybe, possibly, have that talk. But eventually, you get out, turn off the lights and crawl into bed. 

Steve’s body heat comes off him, radiates to your side of the bed. It’s cold at first, but with the cover drawn and the closeness of Steve, it feels like you’re sweating. Your thoughts won’t die down. Your mind won’t rest. Even if your eyes feel heavy and you let them close. 

Sleep comes after what feels like an eternity. Only, sleep brings images you don’t want. Images of blood and fire, of hurt and screams echoing in the distance, of yelling and shouting, of orders not followed, of gunfire. It’s what every night has consisted of lately, what every night brings, and why you rarely sleep. 

As the gunfire comes to its highest, and the screams penetrate your mind, and the red color shades every scene that plays before you, something lulls at the edge of your mind. The images ceases, almost instantly, and a deep slumber finally consumes you. A dreamless sleep that’s the best you’ve had in a long time. 

---

Warm. 

That’s how you feel when you wake up. Not scorching, like when you touch Steve. But warm, a deep sense of warmth that seems to lull your mind and that carries with it something safe, something… something you can’t pinpoint. 

Your eyes open slowly. Opens enough to see the light cascading through the blinds. Opens enough to see the slight hint of skin of your own arm, and the hint of skin of someone else’s arm. It’s draped over your torso, and the head of whoever it belongs to is nuzzled into your neck as you can feel the breath fanning your back. The toned chest of the man behind you is easily felt as you stiffen. 

And you know instantly why you felt so safe. 

You try to wiggle out of Steve’s grip, but the sleeping man easily tightens it and drags you back into him. He mumbles something, but can’t make it out. You feel torn. Torn between lying there, so close to him that adrenaline rushes through your veins, and leaving, where the world feels much less safe, but your heart won’t threaten to leave your ribcage. 

There’s a million reasons why you shouldn’t indulge, why you shouldn’t let it continue. But there’s also the one reason why you want to lie there forever. 

You lift your left arm slightly, just to check the clock. Ten AM . That’s not bad. That means you got about seven hours of sleep. That’s more than three times your usual amount. And the reason behind it is the most annoying one there could ever be. 

“Steve,” you say. Your voice is gentle, trying to wake him slowly and to make sure that when he does, and he notices that you’re spooning, he won’t immediately freak out and retreat. 

But the man doesn’t respond to your voice, only nuzzles further into your hair. God, be strong . 

“Steve,” you repeat, voice louder and sterner, but with no more than what you deem necessary to actually wake him. 

“Huh?” you hear, which prompts a sigh of relief. The breath fanning your neck pulls away, and first when you hear a slight grunt does the arm around your torso retreat and the warmth of the man it belongs to leaves your back. 

You turn around to see him, perfect (or as perfect as you can) poker face coloring your face. He doesn’t need to know you enjoyed it, or that you needed it. However, the scared look on his face doesn’t help. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to…” 

You wave it away. “Don’t worry. It’s okay.” Even with the small smile you give him, the small reassurance that it is in fact okay (more than okay), Steve presses his lips together and looks so very apologetic. 

“Let’s just get up. Get some breakfast and start sightseeing?” 

That helps with the look on Steve’s face. He relaxes, but there’s still some lingering of sadness in his eyes and remorse coloring his features. He nods, shoots you another small apologetic look, and gets out of the bed. Immediately, he disappears into the bathroom. 

The day goes by faster than you expected. You see the Eiffel tower (annoy yourself by thinking how it’s supposed to be romantic―and you’re supposed to act like a couple―and how that’s not happening), you visit the Louvre, and you take a walk past the Notre Dame Cathedral, and (after a lot of begging from your side―and pulling some strings) you visit the catacombs. 

Because you keep having something to do, your mind doesn’t go to the place it has been the last twenty-four hours. You have to act like a couple (something that is currently not happening due to Steve’s guilt from this morning), and the thought was agonizing when Sharon first told you, but then you did it a little and the more you did the more you enjoyed it and the more it just became an excuse. 

Only, that excuse doesn’t help so much when Steve won’t even look at you without the look of a kicked puppy, only said puppy knows he was in the wrong. It’s excruciating. And all you want is to just thread your fingers through his and feel your mind slither away underneath his touch. 

Can’t always have what you want. 

---

“The plan is easy. We go in, we find the target, I chit-chat with him, some flirting, fish his phone from his pocket in a pretend fall and place the chip in it. Easy.” You recount the plan to Steve for the n th time. He’s annoyed, because you’re not letting go of the part about him not doing anything . 

He’s about to open his mouth again, but you shush him before he can. “No! You retired Steve, you withdrew from it. Tonight, you’re a tool that is going to act madly in love with me and not do anything else. You are, of course, welcome to save me from a bullet and die yourself.” A slight part of you wants to laugh. Even as you try to joke about it, you do want him to be madly in love with you. And, despite the bittersweet feelings about him (and the play of hate), you don’t actually want him to die. You don’t even want him to be hurt. 

But Steve just nods. That he’s okay with. The fact that he’s not supposed to help because, technically, he’s a civilian, that he doesn’t grasp. 

Doesn’t matter anyways because the car pulls up to the place of the event. You sigh before letting Steve help you out, linking your hand with his arm before you walk up the red carpet that lines the entrance. (Gosh, this is even fancier than you expected). 

At the door, a man dressed in a black tux eyes the two of you. “Name?” he says, and just by how he says it, you feel like you don’t belong. This is way too fancy for your taste.

“Rogers,” replies Steve, completely unfazed by the male’s posh… everything . “Steve Rogers.”

The man scans a list and then looks up at Steve with a fake smile. “Good evening, mister Rogers. The hosts are expecting you. Please walk down the hall and the first to the left to relieve your coats.”

Shortly after the two of you find your table, which (if by purpose or by accident, you don’t know) turns out to be shared with your target. A flirty smile and introduction goes a long way to make the man look happy about the seating. It also goes a long way to make Steve actually show his true feelings, as after you sit, he pulls your chair a little closer to his own. 

You can’t say you mind.

---

The mission itself goes well. Since you didn’t have that much to do, it only took some light flirting to attach a chip to your targets phone and keep on with your night. Unfortunately, that’s not too easy when Steve insists on following said target as he suspiciously sneaks his way through the crowd and towards rooms clearly marked off limits. 

“Steve, why are we doing this?” 

Steve’s dragging you along with him, quickly checking side to side before going through the same door as your target and yanking your arm so that you follow. “Because that little tech thing you did is probably not enough.”

You roll your eyes. “God, you got a real cacoethes for running straight into danger, huh?”

“A what now?” Steve stops, squinting at you with confusion written all over his face. 

“Cacoethes.”

“ That’s not a real word. ” 

You scoff. “‘Course it is. Means to have an uncontrollable urge or desire for doing   inadvisable things, like smoking or drinking too much or running head first into danger as a civilian .” At the last part you poke him in the chest and mutter through clenched teeth. 

Steve bites his lips and rubs his neck. “Oh,” he lets out. “I still don’t know if it’s a real word, but sure. But we should―”

Before he can finish, you hear footsteps coming down the hallway. You look for a spot to hide, and not finding one, your mind thinks quick of a cover up should you actually be caught. 

As you press your lips to Steve’s, you can’t help but think that maybe you have a cacoethes yourself. Because the press of his lips against yours has your heart ache and beat at the same time. It’s soft, yet it’s rough. It’s passionate yet hasty. 

And it’s so full of desire, it makes your knees go weak. 

A cough to your side makes the two of you pull away from each other, faces flushed and a kind of embarrassing smile on your face. 

“Excuse me, but the two of you are not allowed back here.” It’s a security guard, but he doesn’t look as mad as you thought he would be. 

Rubbing your neck and smiling sheepishly, you let out an awkward laugh. “So sorry, sir. We… uh, we just… were looking for somewhere, you know, private.” You lean a little into Steve’s chest at that to give some more to the role. 

“Just leave the party, then, miss. I’m sure no one would miss you.” The security guard winks. “I’ll show you a quick way out back if you don’t want to be spotted.”

You press your lips together and intertwine your hand with Steve’s. “That would be great, thank you.”

And when Steve doesn’t complain or mention anything about having something to do, you both follow him out.

That night, neither of you think anything about sleeping in the same bed, or sleeping close together. Or about the fact that you’re both naked. 

Maybe things are looking good after all. 

permanent:  @devilbat​ @adefectivedetective​ @gamillian​ @he-is-chaotic-she-is-psychotic​ @heartislubbingdubbing​ @wiczer​ @chillcan​ @geeksareunique​ @fandom-imagines1​ @murdermornings​

steve: @melannie77​

[parkerpeter24]

stay with me

Pairing: peter parker x reader

Warnings: angst, a little bit fluff (I'm not sure if there is any), occasional swearing, harsh words, tears, feels, my writing, no proofreading! This literally sucks

A/n: I didn't even bother to read it twice but I woke up today in tears. I had this crazy dream so, I wrote it down.

"Pete!" You called out after your bestfriend as you ran up to him and embraced him in a warm hug.

"Hey! How are you?" He had asked after securely locking his arms around your waist. You parted from him and checked for any injuries or bruises over his face.

"You are okay. I saw the news last night. What the hell do you think you were doing, fighting alien weapons in that bank 2 blocks away from your apartment?" You scolded him frantically.

"You know what I was doing, (Y/n). I was doing my job." He replied, pretty annoyed. You couldn't believe Peter was being so casual and careless about almost getting shot from alien weapons.

"You were being ridiculous and a complete idiot! Do you even care about your life? What if..." You couldn't complete the sentence even with all the combined strength of your body. You didn't want to lose your bestfriend, more so when you've secretly loved him for half of your life. He placed both his hands on your shoulders seeing your panicky state.

"Hey, I'm fine. I'm okay. See, (Y/n). I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not ever, okay?" He said as he rubbed small circles on your shoulders with his thumbs. You looked into his gorgeous eyes and just nodded slowly, not able to muster up words.

---

At lunch you sat at your regular table across Ned and Peter. You were talking to Ned about that crazy video you saw on YouTube when Peter sighed dreamily before he began to rant, "Have you seen how beautiful she looks when she is laughing at some stupid joke and when she-"

You were fed up with his same speech about Liz everyday and so was Ned by the way he rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Yeah, yeah we know how beautiful she is and all." You stopped him in middle of his sentence. "Now, answer the question." You said.

"What question?" He asked instead of a reply and you rolled your eyes. Ned had chuckled seeing you so annoyed.

"Are you both still on for the movie night?" You repeated as they nodded simultaneously, Peter muttering a little 'sure' under his breath before getting up for the next class.

It was finally the last class of the day, that is, the gym class. You listened to Captain America telling the students to be disciplined before you were sent out to do sit ups with a girl named Cathy.

You did your part as she held your legs and could hear Peter and Ned, who were apparently beside you, whispering something like 'guy in the chair.' But the voices were interrupted when you heard someone talk from behind you.

"For me, it would be... 'f' Thor, marry Iron man and kill Hulk." Said the blonde girl named Betty. She sat with Liz and your eyes immediately darted to your right only to see Peter staring at Liz, expectantly.

"But what about Spider-man?" Asked some other girl, making a lump form in your throat, which you immediately gulped down. Or at least tried to.

"Did you guys see that big security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys." She shighed dreamily. 'No shit!' You thought and saw a stupid smile grow on Peter's face.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Now she's crushing over Spider-man. And Peter, who is Spider-man has a crush on her and they both have a fucking crush on each other! What the hell?

You were pulled out of your chain of thoughts when you suddenly heard Ned, "Peter knows Spider-man!" Your eyes went wide and you glared at him, just like Peter did.

"No I-I don't." Peter states as he got up from his position. You were not surprised though when Flash teased him. You glared at him like he just spoiled a book of murder mystery that you just started.

"I-Ive met him. Yeah, a few times." He said, you couldn't help a little smile that made it's way to your face at his flustured state but you were not too excited about what happened a few moments later. Liz was having a party and Ned and Peter were invited to it.

You weren't.

---

"So, our Movie night?" You asked, trying to hide the hurt in your voice, as you walked in the middle of both, Ned and Peter.

"Of course not! We have to go to a party." Ned said excitedly and Peter just smiled, too deep in the thoughts of Liz.

"Yeah (Y/n), you have to come over to mine and help me dress to impress Liz." He said even when he could've done a favour by remaining quiet. Could've saved you from the pain that it caused in your chest.

"But I wasn't invited." You stated. An uncomfortable silence settled in and you chuckled at the awkwardness of the situation. "And you're not making me go." You said a little sternly and they knew when to back up.

You had cried silently into your pillow that night.

Feelings can be weird.

---

So, your movie night was ruined. You could see how Peter was gradually spending less and less time with you as the days passed. You had come to know about the Vulture guy that dropped Peter into the lake. You and Peter even had a huge fight over it.

"(Y/n), you're not making any sense, you know that?" Peter asked as he ran his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated and fed up.

"Maybe I don't want to." You had replied with a slight quiver in your voice. It took every muscle in your body to stand still. "Why Pete, why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

"It is my responsibility, You won't understand." It wasn't his intention to make you upset. God, he wanted to take back all the words he was saying to you or at least run away just to not have this fight with you.

"I understand Peter! I do. But you don't want to understand that it's you I'm worried about. How can you be so selfish and foolish to risk your life?" You yelled but your voice was eventually a whisper at the end.

"No (Y/n), no you don't understand. You don't know what it's like to lose someone you love. Have you even loved someone in your entire life?" You were taken aback at his words and surprisingly cold voice.

Tears blurred your vision as he faced his back towards you, not saying another word before opening the window and slipping out quickly.

He didn't even say goodbye.

And yet, after all the harsh words, you couldn't get yourself to not love Peter. You knew he wouldn't listen to you and you were upset.

Until you saw another breaking news about Spider-man almost getting shot with a weird alien weapon while trying to chase two guys around the streets, the next day. You opened the contact list, almost dropping the phone, and called him.

One time.

Two times.

Three times.

No answer. You were sent to voicemail each time. And now you felt your face turning red from anger.

But when he picked up the phone the fourth time, "Why the fuck are you not picking up my phone?!" You yelled into the speaker. You could almost see the annoyed look on his face.

"Why did you call me?" He asked simply. Like nothing is wrong in the world. You were surprised by how calm his voice sounded.

"Peter, are you seriously ignoring the fact that you just missed a shot from a fucking alien weapon!" You raised your voice with every word coming through your mouth.

"(Y/n), can we not fight over this small thing?" He snapped, trying to keep his voice calm. He sighed, "Look, I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't meant that in anyway. But please just don't fucking fight with me! Not now!"

"Peter, I'm just worried about you!" You finally said, voice mere a whisper. You heard him sigh on the other end.

"Yeah. Can we, can we talk later. Liz is calling me." You were taken aback by his behavior. Was he the same Peter with whom you spent your whole life? With whom you've been in love for half your life? You were bubbling with anger and in no way you meant what you said next.

"Yeah, go talk to her. But don't come to me if next time you get shot from that wierd, alien gun." You seethed.

"Trust me, I would never come back to you." He retorted. His tone was emotionless, cold, sending shivers down your spine. You couldn't recognize the person you were talking to. He was not the Peter you knew, he had changed.

Before you could register his words completely, he had ended the call. It was hard to breathe. You started panicking. 'It was never meant to be' you thought. You never meant those harsh words and when you gained back your senses, you knew what you had to do.

You had to make everything right.

So you shoved your phone into the pocket of your jeans and grabbed your jacket. You made your way towards his house. The streets were deserted at this hour of night and you walked silently at a fast pace.

Suddenly, you felt your feet left the ground and you were lifted up in the air. You frantically wiggled your arms and legs but the grip never loosened. You looked up to see a weird black mask with green eyes and wings...

The Vulture guy!

And you were on top of a building, the mechanical hands still holding you at arms length. If the Vulture guy had not been there, you might have enjoyed the view. And now your gaze shifted to the silhouette, swinging across tall buildings, finally landing on the same building as yours and revealing his red and blue suit.

"Hello, Spider-man. Think I've got a thing you like?" He seethed. 'Who the fuck did he call a thing?' You weren't a thing. The building was tall and you were still in mid-air, one leg touching the edge of the building.

"Leave her out of this!" Peter cried. At this point, you were terrified and shaking, and to be honest, anyone would be. Everything was a blur, mainly because of tears.

The mechanical arms of the Vulture suit loosened and you were falling freely. Peter's senses were all over the place. He ran towards the edge of the building, shooting a layer webs into the green eyes of the Vulture in the process.

He saw you, falling, one arm stretched out in hope and faith that he would save you. The only words leaving your mouth that he could make out were, 'I love you.'

He shot a web towards you, not able to focus, it attached to your abdomen. You were yanked upwards. Peter pulled you up until you were in his arms and sat you onto his lap.

"Hey (Y/n), I came back. See, I'm here... I'm not going anywhere." He sobbed. "Hey! Don't you dare leave me. You told me to quit Spider-man right? I'll give the suit back to Mr. Stark, please (Y/n)..." He cried into your shoulder, not able to control his senses. "I love you too." He mumbled into your shoulder, in hope that you'd wake up and embrace him in a warm hug like you always did. But this time you didn't. He pecked your forehead, then your cheeks. "Don't leave me. I love you so much." He whispered, but you didn't listen. You couldn't and he knew.

And being the kind of Person he is, he considered himself guilty. He couldn't come over the fact that his last words to you were, 'Trust me, I would never come back to you.' And to make up, he visited your grave everyday, carrying your favourite flowers in his hands and mumbling, 'Hey, (Y/n)! I'm back.'

It had been two weeks since the 'incident' that he walked towards the school, listening to the playlist once you had made at his house when you got bored, and scrolling through his pictures with you when he received a pending voicemail.

From you.

'Hey, Pete! I'm sorry for yelling at you and I know that I wasn't making any sense. I know you won't quit being Spider-man and you shouldn't. I'm proud of you. It's just that...' Your voice cracked, making Peter's eyes brim with tears. 'I love you, more than as a friend. I've loved you since that day on the beach with our families. I just said that on voicemail.' You giggled, making an effortless smile come to his face. The voice was like music to his ears. 'I'm sorry Pete, for everything. It's okay if you're angry but talk to me, please. God! I love you so much.' You sobbed making Peter's heart clench in his chest. There was a moment of silence, he heard your soft cries intently. 'I understand Peter, I know what you've been through. I will always be with you. I'm here for you now but if I'm not, I need you to keep going with Spider-man, with Liz, with life and move on. Promise me?'

"I promise." He had whispered into the phone. Now he had to learn to move on.

Without you.

A/n: I hope you enjoy this. Tell me if you wanna be tagged. My writing is not that good, so Thank you for reading it! ❤🖤

Taglist:

@luckyfiction17 @spideyyeet @screamholland @overly-obsessed @venusparker @angelsparkers @avengersgroupchat @spyder-bites-inactive @spider-manholland @harrysbbby @angelhaz11 @tomhollanddaily @hazmyheart @hollandroos @peterparkerdaily @parkerpete @farfromhaz @afictionaladventure16 @fairytaleparker @parkerpter @autumnlyholland @peterparkerstingle @parkerpuff @eeyore101247 @hocuspocusholland @preciouspparkers @mybesttobobcratchit @skylineholland @hazshauntedbelle @plushparker @spideyboipeter @spideyboipete @hauntedpark @ho-ho-holland @dahliaspidey @parkerpeter24 @ppkrtingle @spooky-starks @bewitched-haz @cherryredparker @hollandharrison @angelic-holland

[kareofbears]

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

[ificanthaveu]

7 Ways of Looking At You || Shawn Mendes

Description: the seven ways you’ve looked at Shawn since the first time you met

A/N: This takes place over the course of about a year and a half. we had to write a poem in my creative writing class about the 7 ways of looking at something and I thought it’d be pretty cute as a fic idea. I was going to make it angsty but I honestly didn’t have any energy for that

Word Count: 3.5k

i. at first glance

For the first time in days, it was sunny in Chicago. Living in an apartment just a few blocks from the studio you worked at was a blessing with weather like this. You slipped on a pair of sneakers instead of heels today and decided to walk. It’d be faster anyway in traffic like this.

The fresh air hit you, and you practically skipped out onto the sidewalk. As you walked, you checked your phone for today’s schedule. Team meeting at 9:00 and a radio interview at noon. It wasn’t too bad of a day, and maybe, if you were lucky, you’d get out of work a little early.

You pushed the door open to the studio and waved to people as you passed by. You made your way to your office and sat down to work on interview questions and editing your newest story.

You made your way to the team meeting and sat towards the front, waiting for your turn to go over what was in store for your team.

“[Y/N], the floor is yours,” your boss said before sitting down.

“Alright guys, we have a local band coming in at 11:00 today to play their song live on the radio. They’ll be in studio C, so whoever is in there today, make sure they have everything they need,” you explained before glancing down at your notes. Your heart jumped a little bit as you saw who you’d be interviewing today.

“Then, we have…” you read it one more time, making sure it was true, “Shawn Mendes coming in at noon for my show. He needs to have someone with him at all times to make sure he has everything he needs, so Kaylee, I want you on that,” you said as you wrote your assistant’s name down on the sheet.

“He should be here around 11:30, hopefully, get a photo with the local band for a little publicity for them, then have him in Studio A by 11:45. I’ll hopefully meet you a little earlier than that,” you said. Kaylee nodded her head as she wrote the times down in her notebook.

“And that’s it for today. I’ll be in my office until 11:30 if anyone needs me,” you said before gathering your things and making your way back to your office before the meeting continued with information that didn’t pertain to you.

You sat at your desk and rested your head in your hands for a moment. You had just received this promotion a few weeks ago, and you were finally getting comfortable with it. You’d interviewed some B and C list celebrities and had done a lot with local bands and musicians trying to make it big. Shawn Mendes was way out of what you were comfortable with.

You took a deep breath and gathered yourself before prepping the questions for the interview. It shouldn’t be too difficult since he just released a single a few days ago, and he had a show tonight and tomorrow in the area. Everything would be fine.

You glanced at the clock and noticed it was 11:30. Shawn should be here. Oh shit. You glanced at your reflection in the glass on your door before straightening your dress and making your way to the studio.

He wasn’t there yet, so you got comfortable in the booth and looked over your notes a few more times. There was a gentle knock on the door before Kaylee peeked her head through and gave you a look. You nodded your head quickly and stood up as she let Shawn and his manager in.

You swore he was radiating. You don’t know what it was, but he was most definitely glowing. You needed his skincare routine. You plastered a smile on your face, which wasn’t too difficult, and walked towards him.

“Shawn, it’s so great to meet you, I’m [Y/N],” you said as you stuck your hand out. He smiled at you and shook your hand as he glanced around the studio.

“You’re shaking,” he said. Your smile dropped as his manager sighed, and Kaylee tried to hide her laugh.

“To be honest, you’re the biggest celebrity I’ve ever interviewed, and I’m freaking out,” you said just above a whisper. He laughed at you and patted your shoulder lightly.

“Trust me, this’ll be great. You’ll be fine. You had to do something right to get here,” he said before moving to sit down.

This man had just met you and was already calming your nerves. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

ii. at the second meeting

The red carpet was buzzing and flashing with lights at this year’s Video Music Awards. You were situated somewhat near the end as you gripped your microphone as tightly as you could. After your interview went incredibly smooth with Shawn, you were interviewing A list celebrities whenever they were in Chicago. You were somehow the go-to person now. You were still trying to wrap your head around that.

Somehow, that led to your boss choosing you to go to LA for the award show. Radio interviews were one thing, a red carpet interview was a whole other thing.

So far, you’d interviewed a boy band you’d barely heard of, an actress who’s starring in an upcoming Netflix original and the hosts of the show. It was going fine, but not as great as your expectations were. The pressure was on.

You took a deep breath as you looked down the carpet to see if you could get someone else to talk to you for a little bit.

You glanced back and forth before seeing him. Shawn posed for a few pictures in a maroon dress shirt paired with black slacks. He was still glowing. He finished his last photograph and looked down the line of reporters before meeting eyes with you. He instantly lit up, and you felt your stomach drop.

He be-lined straight for you, ignoring people from networks that were far bigger than yours. Before you could react, he was pulling you into a tight hug. You reacted as quickly as you could and wrapped your arms around him. He pulled away with a smile on his face.

“You upgraded!” He practically yelled. You couldn’t hold back the laugh that came from your chest.

“I did! All because of you!” You exclaimed as grabbed his arm.

“That was all you, dear. I knew you had it in you when I barely knew your name.” The nickname made your heart skip a beat.

“Would you want to spare me another interview?” You asked with a smile on your face as you waved the microphone around.

“Anything for you.”

iii. as friends

“I’ve been waiting for ten minutes,” you said as Shawn finally walked into the coffee shop you planned on meeting at. He rolled his eyes at you before sitting across from you.

“My Uber was late,” he said as he glanced down at the menu.

“Excuses, excuses,” you whispered just loud enough for him to hear. He pulled your menu down as he gave you a look.

“You’ve been in LA for a week, and it’s already changed you, tragic,” he said, a little overdramatically, closing his menu. “And to think I was going to give you a tour of the city.”

“You promised!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, calm down.”

You both ordered your coffee to-go before making your way out onto the sidewalk.

“I can’t believe they transferred you to LA. That’s like top tier for this shit,” he said as you walked. You nodded your head and took a sip.

“Yeah, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it,” you said with a slight shake of your head.

“Are you finished unpacking yet?” He gave you a look as you avoided his gaze.

“Sure,” you said quickly. He lightly pushed you.

“You’re such a liar,” he laughed out.

“I’ve been busy!”

“Everyone here is busy. You still have to unpack, or those boxes will sit there for months.” You rolled your eyes at him as you turned the corner.

“Yeah, I’ll get to it,” you said through a sigh. The two of you stayed quiet as you continued walking.

“Thanks for meeting me,” you finally said. He looked down at you with a confused look.

“What are friends for?” You gave him a look.

“Are we friends? I thought I was just some girl who interviewed you sometimes.” He laughed and shook his head at you before bumping his shoulder against yours.

“We’re definitely friends.”

“Good.”

iv. as best friends

You could smell the popcorn burning the instant you stepped inside your apartment, and you already regretted giving Shawn your spare key so he could start movie night early.

“Are you serious, Shawn?” You yelled as you kicked off your shoes and made your way into the kitchen. There stood Shawn, fanning your stove with a towel. He smiled sheepishly at you as you opened the windows and started all the fans.

“I tried to do that thing where you pop it on the stove because it tastes so good, but I forgot about it while looking for a movie,” he explained as quickly as he could.

“Microwave popcorn tastes just as good,” you say as you look at him with your hands on your hips. He feigns offense as his hand goes to his chest.

“You have no taste buds. I can’t believe this,” he exaggerated. You rolled your eyes as you grabbed the pan from the stove and tossed it in the sink. You ran the cold water and let it soak before turning around to look at Shawn again.

“So, how was work?” He asked as he threw the popcorn in the microwave this time.

“Good, nothing out of the ordinary,” you said as you made your way into your room to change into something more comfortable. You slipped on some shorts and Shawn’s sweatshirt you’d stolen from him last week.

“Did you ask your boss for a raise?” He yelled from the kitchen. You bit the inside of your cheek and didn’t respond.

“[Y/N], I know you can hear me.” You slowly emerged out of your room and glanced at Shawn as he looked at you with that disappointing look you hated.

“I’ll do it tomorrow?” You say with a slight question in your voice. He shook his head slowly as he made his way into your living room.

“You deserve a raise,” he says as he holds the popcorn in his lap on the couch. You settle down next to him and grab a few pieces.

“Yeah, I know. I just hate the asking part,” you said. You grabbed the blanket from the back of your couch and draped it across your lap.

“Want me to ask for you?” He asked with that dumb look on his face.

“Shut up,” you grumbled as you lightly pushed his shoulder away from you. He laughed at you before grabbing the remote and bringing up Netflix.

“Mamma Mia?”

“Duh.”

v. as maybe possibly more than friends

You leaned against the wall in the airport and tried your hardest not to fall asleep. Shawn’s flight had been delayed a few hours, and you were definitely regretting telling him you’d pick him up.

Your hometown airport was fairly small, and at this time of night, there were maybe five other people in the airport. You really wished you weren’t one of them.

You glanced up at the board and released your breath when you noticed Shawn’s flight had landed. You moved closer to the entrance and waited for him anxiously. It had been just over a month since you’d seen him, and it had been the longest you’d gone without being together. Luckily, he was able to get a few days off to fly to your hometown for your birthday.

People started streaming out of the terminal, and you glanced at everyone while waiting for Shawn. You finally found him, and you were instantly awake. His eyes met yours, and you both couldn’t contain your smiles.

He set his bag down as you sprinted towards him and into his arms. He held your head to his chest as he rested his head on top of yours. You swayed back and forth as you held each other as tight as possible.

“We’re never going this long without seeing each other ever again,” he mumbled into your hair.

“Agreed.” You finally pulled away and grabbed his backpack off the ground and handed it to him. He followed you to your car and threw his bag in the back seat.

“Are you sure your parents are fine with me staying with you guys?” He questioned for the tenth time.

“Of course they are. They’ve been wanting to meet you since the first time I interviewed you. They nearly died when they later found out we were actually friends.” You started your car and made your way to the main road.

“Are any of your other friends in town yet?” He asked. You nodded your head.

“Becca and Parker flew in this morning, and Han drives up tomorrow. Everyone else still lives here,” you said as you continued to focus on the road, begging yourself not to fall asleep.

“I can’t wait to meet them,” he said with excitement in his voice. You glanced over at him and smiled. He really was genuinely excited to meet your friends. You felt your heart speed up as you kept glancing back at him as he scrolled through his phone. You shoved the feeling to the pit of your stomach and tried to forget it.

The feeling crept back up and was rather persistent no matter how hard you tried to ignore it. You looked over at him once more and admired the way he looked in the moonlight. You were screwed.

vi. as definitely more than friends

You didn’t plan on actually getting drunk. In fact, you promised yourself you’d have one drink, but five or six drinks later, and you definitely abandoned that promise.

Shawn’s album release party was in full swing. The room was packed with important people, family, and friends. His fourth album was going to be a huge success. Even in your current state, you still knew that.

You swayed to the music as you talked to Shawn’s sister and sipped at your drink. You could barely remember what she was saying as you watched Shawn talk to some executives from his label. He laughed at something one of them said. This crush definitely wasn’t going away, and it definitely didn’t get better when you had a few drinks in you. You downed the rest of your drink before excusing yourself to grab another.

“Hey,” a voice said behind you as you felt their hand rest on your lower back. You glanced and noticed it was Shawn as you half smiled at him.

“Hey, buddy,” you said a little too loud as you lightly pushed his chest. Shawn looked at you with a mixture of confusion and delight.

“What happened to one drink?”

“That was out the window within the first five minutes of being here,” you said as you sipped at your newest drink, missing the straw the first time.

“Pace yourself, hun,” he said as he ordered a beer.

“I am perfectly fine,” you slurred as you smiled up at him. “You’re so pretty,” you said like it was the first time you noticed it.

You didn’t notice the blush creep on his cheeks as he grabbed his drink and looked down.

“So are you, [Y/N].”

“But not as pretty as you. Look at that hair, those arms, that smile, no wonder everyone’s in love with you,” you said as you pushed a hand through his hair. He laughed and backed away from you a little bit.

“Maybe switch to water after this drink,” he said as you stumbled into him a little bit.

“We’ll see,” you taunted. That was the last thing you remembered. You definitely didn’t switch to water.

You woke up with a pounding headache and groaned at the sunlight peeking in from the window. You glanced at the table, and there sat a glass of water and some Advil. It was then that you realized you were definitely at Shawn’s house. You took the medication and slowly pulled yourself out of bed, slipping on the nearest sweatshirt. 

You trudged down the stairs to go and find Shawn. He sat at the island in his kitchen with his laptop, probably reading album reviews as they started to pour in. He glanced up when he heard you. He smirked slightly as he took a sip of his coffee.

“You look like you got hit by a bus,” he said. You glared at him as you poured yourself a cup of coffee and sat next to him, looking over his shoulder to confirm he was reading reviews.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” He said as he glanced over at you. You thought for a moment and laughed at the irony.

“You telling me to switch to water. I didn’t listen,” you said as you hung your head.

“That’s it?” You expected Shawn to taunt you, but instead, he just sounded disappointed.

“Yeah, why?” You asked. He shook his head and looked back at his laptop. “What’d I do last night?” You questioned.

“It’s not that important,” he said, still not looking at you.

“Apparently it is because you won’t look at me,” you said as he finally looked over at you, this time turning his chair to face you head-on.

“Do you have feelings for me?” If your head was pounding before, now your whole body was feeling it. This is why you weren’t supposed to drink.

“Why would you think that?” You said as your throat dried up, and you quickly took a drink of your coffee.

“That’s what you told Brian last night around drink eight,” he said quietly. You nodded your head slowly as you thought about how you should handle this.

“What do you want my answer to be?” You finally whispered. You looked each other in the eyes as you both breathed heavily, waiting for someone to speak.

“I want it to be true,” Shawn finally whispered. “I want you to have feelings for me.” He held his gaze steady with yours. You released the breath you were holding as you smiled slightly at him.

“Then, yeah. I do,” you confessed.

The album reviews were long forgotten as Shawn leaned in to kiss you.

vii. in love

You could feel Shawn’s leg shaking against yours. You pressed your hand against his leg as you tried to make it stop. He grabbed your hand and let out a deep breath as the car pulled up in front of the theater.

It was the first award show that Shawn’s fourth album was nominated for something. To say the least, he was freaking out. He poured his everything into this album, and as much as he said he didn’t need awards, he still really wanted them.

Neither of you moved as the car stopped. You turned to face Shawn and grabbed both his hands, forcing him to look at you. He finally made eye contact with you, and you could see the panic in his eyes.

“You gotta breathe, honey,” you said quietly. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath in before letting it out slowly.

“I’m so damn nervous,” he finally said. You nodded your head and ran your thumb across his hand.

“I know, but there’s nothing else you can do at this point. You wrote a kick-ass album that deserves endless awards in my book, but beyond that, the rest of this is out of your control. You’ve just gotta trust what’s meant to happen will happen,” you explained to him as he looked at you with a blank expression.

“You only think it should win because you’re my girlfriend, and there are four songs about you on it,” he said as he finally smiled. You smiled back at him and laughed.

“Yes, that may be partially true, but even when I didn’t know they were about me, I still thought it was amazing. Even before we were dating, I knew this album was going to make an impact. Even if it doesn’t win, you can be comfortable knowing that it made an impact on countless people, me being one of them, of course,” you finished your speech of encouragement as Shawn started looking more relaxed.

“I love you.” The world seemed to stop after he said that. He looked at you, and you could see the panic setting back in as he waited for your response.

“I love you so damn much,” you said through a quiet laugh. He held your face in his hand before pressing a longing kiss to your lips. You pulled away before either of you could let it get too far.

“Are you ready?” He nodded his head and finally opened his door.

“Let’s go win some awards, my love.”

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[thewritingcaptain]

A Failed Homecoming (Chapter 3)

It was time to call May and tell her what had happened - the abridged version of it, anyway. He would need her permission to handle some of the paperwork in the aftermath of this anyway, and he couldn't keep this from her any longer. He just hoped she didn't try to keep Peter from him when she found out.

The next few hours were some of the most agonizing of his life.

By the time Tony had reached the nearest hospital, the kid was limp and lifeless in his arms - with the exception of the occasional seizure, of course. He was glad for the suit, because without it, he might not have been able to hold on to him at all, let alone with as hard as he himself was shaking.

He still had the bag with the clothes strapped onto his back, but there was no time to change him, and little need for it anymore. The outfit that had once passed for his old suit was unrecognizable now, between the blood soaking it, the various rips and tears in it, and the fact it was half disintegrated from the electrocutions. Even Tony himself wouldn't have known what he was wearing if he hadn't seen the video of him in it before his arrival.

At least he didn't have to lie to the paramedics about what happened as he dropped the kid in the ER. It was simple enough to cover up his involvement as Spider-Man by simply saying that he had been abducted to use against him because of a presumed relationship they had, and the reasons behind Tony bringing him in and the circumstances surrounding the injuries were soon forgotten by the medical personnel when he told them exactly how he'd gotten them and what he'd been through.

Now, Tony sat in the waiting room, alone, pacing back and forth as he waited to hear some kind of news. He'd already called Pepper and Happy to let them know that he had the kid and to tell them to alert the police about the Vulture's escape, but he didn't have any more information for them than that. And he was so not looking forward to calling May. He still hadn't done so, largely because he didn't want to call her simply with news of what had happened but no explanation of Peter's condition. There was no point in calling until he knew something.

It was an agonizing few hours that he spent pacing that small waiting room, waiting desperately for news of the kid. When a doctor finally came out of the double doors to talk to him, he practically leapt at her.

The news she carried wasn't good, but it wasn't the worst case scenario, either. He was damaged, yes, but he was alive. Damaged he could work with; dead, on the other hand, he could not.

He allowed himself to be escorted to the room they were keeping him in and nodded to the nurses before coming in. What greeted him wasn't a pretty sight.

The kid was absolutely plastered with tubes and machines. He had one attached to both his chest and his head, an IV in one arm, an oxygen mask strapped onto his face, and a leg casted and placed into one of those hanging slings to keep it elevated above his heart. That was just what Tony could see. Under his gown, he knew there was at least one open wound in his side and a few broken ribs that had been wrapped, and his head was also swaddled in bandages on the one side. Lord only knew what else.

But he was alive, and breathing on his own, and that was enough for now. Tony took a steadying breath as he seated himself in the hospital chair and pulled out his phone. It was time to call May and tell her what had happened - the abridged version of it, anyway. He would need her permission to handle some of the paperwork in the aftermath of this anyway, and he couldn't keep this from her any longer.

He just hoped she didn't try to keep Peter from him when she found out.

Taking a deep breath again, he pulled out his phone and placed the call.

May picked up on the second ring, despite not knowing his number. Maybe she was just desperate enough to know where he'd gotten off to by that point that she was answering all the calls. "Hello?"

The panic in her voice broke his heart, as did the fact that he was going to have to solidify it. "May, this is Tony Stark. Do you remember me?" Not the best way to start off, maybe, but better than just blurting out the news.

"Mr. Stark? Listen, with all due respect, I'm in the middle of something right now, so-"

"I know." He closed his eyes. "Peter is missing. I'm with him now, though. I found him. Or rather…" he swallowed. This was the tricky part. "His captor found me."

May was so quiet on the other end of the line for a moment that he was genuinely worried that she'd either passed out or had some kind of heart attack. "May?" he asked cautiously.

"I-... I'm here." Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "What's going on, Tony?"

"Before I tell you that, let me just tell you that he's hurt, but he's with me now and he's gonna be okay. Okay? Can you trust me on that much?"

"Where is he?"

Tony hissed through his teeth. "We're in the hospital. But he's alright, remember?" he added quickly at the pained noise from the other side. "I'd tell you which one, but it's out of state and I don't actually know. I just got him to the quickest one as fast as I could."

"What happened to him?" Her voice broke slightly, and something in his chest seemed to crack at the sound. He may well have a heart attack before this day was over.

"I…" Tony stopped, trying to think of the best way to put it. He couldn't give her the whole truth, not yet, not until Peter was ready to tell her, which he clearly hadn't been, and he couldn't add that to her pain right now anyway. As furious as he himself was with Peter for putting himself in harm's way, he didn't need May to be as well. It was better for her to think the blame was all on him. "Peter was abducted. Someone knew of his connection with me because of the internship and tried to ransom him back to me." There. Not good, but close enough to the truth.

"Oh, Peter." He could hear the tears in her voice, and suddenly he found himself blinking back a few of his own. No, he wasn't going to cry. Not here, not right now. "How did you know? How did you get him back?"

"I… was at the Tower when the guy called me off of Peter's phone. I tracked it to them, gave the guy the money." So much more had happened than that, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her half of what had happened in between.

"How much?"

"It doesn't matter. Trust me when I say it was pocket change for me, May. I just… I would have given anything to get him back, alright? It honestly doesn't matter." He looked down, picking some imaginary lint off his pants, just to have something to focus on that wasn't the flashbacks of the kid's face while he was in pain, or his broken body in front of him. "This whole thing is my fault, May, and I am… so sorry for what happened that I can't even express it. If I had ever thought for a minute that this could happen…" He didn't even know what to say. He would have spared no expenses to keep him safe. "I would have done everything in my power to make sure it didn't. And if you don't want him to continue with the internship, then I completely understand, and I will respect that." Even if it kills me. "I just… would still like to be allowed to check up on him, if you don't mind."

"Oh, Tony." Her voice broke again, and he knew she was crying on the other side. "I would never keep you from seeing him, and I could never take the internship away from him, either. Working with you means so much to him." Funny, considering he had no idea what he did when he said he was interning with him, but now wasn't the time or the place to reveal that. "The fact that you can even say half of what you just did is enough to tell me everything I need to know."

Some of the tension drained from his body as he processed the relief. "Thank you, May. I honestly don't know what else to say. Apologizing won't change what happened, but I can assure you it will never happen again."

"I know it won't. And it's not your fault, Tony. You couldn't have known this would happen. I'm just so grateful that you got to him in time." She stopped for a moment, and he waited patiently, knowing she was trying just as hard to keep her composure as he was. "How is he? Do you know anything yet?"

"Yes, I talked to the doctor right before I called you." He sat back in the chair, staring at Peter's nearly obscured form. "It's a long list," he warned quietly.

"Just tell me."

Tony closed his eyes. "As of right now, he has a broken leg, broken foot, a few broken ribs, a wound in his side, and a concussion. They think he's having sensory issues due to nerve damage, and they detected a mild cardiac arrhythmia that should straighten itself out." Hopefully, if the kid could go more than a few hours without being shocked. "And… he's having seizures."

"Cardiac distress? Seizures? Nerve damage?" Her voice was so high that he winced slightly. "What the hell happened to him?"

He wet his lips, looking down. "Sources say he tried to fight off the guy who abducted him. Nasty fight, some nasty conks to the head, probably where most of the wounds come from, although we won't be sure until he wakes up. And…" this was the worst. Why did he have to tell her this? "I… think he may have been shocked once or twice." Or three or four times. And electrocution was closer to accurate of what he experienced than a small shock, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that.

"Oh, God." She was really crying now. "What makes you think that?"

"The symptoms, and, well…" he closed his eyes again, his face contorting as he tried to block out the pain himself. "I may have seen it happen."

"How many times?"

The shaking in his voice mirrored hers as he answered. "Twice." His voice was barely a whisper. It was all he could manage. "It was probably the most horrible thing I've ever seen." Tied right up there with believing he'd watched Pepper fall to her death.

They were both quiet for a long minute. The only sound was May sniffling softly as she tried to get herself together. Finally, she said, "I'm so sorry, Tony. But thank you so much for what you did. He's… he's like my son."

Tony stood up slowly, walking over to the kid and looking down at him. He longed to reach out and touch him, but he knew it would just hurt him. "Yeah. Mine too."

Again, that horrible silence. "How is he?"

"I don't know if I can say fine, considering his injuries, but he's doing alright. He's unconscious but stable. They're keeping him sedated until they can figure out where the seizures are coming from and what to do about it." His eyes flicked to the nodes attached to the kid's head before he forced them away again.

"Will they be permanent?"

"I don't know yet." He shook his head. "They've all been short and lower level, which is a good sign. It could be a result of the shocks or the concussion or both. There's no way to tell yet."

"When can I see him?"

Tony sighed heavily. "I don't know. I want to get him out of here, at least to a better hospital, but I'm trying to let them get all the preliminary stuff done, at least. I don't want to risk moving him before he's ready. And I would like to see him wake up first." He paused. "I'll probably need your permission for a lot of that. They took him because of his state and they've only given me as much as they have because I brought him," and because he was Tony freaking Stark and no one dared challenge him, "But legally they shouldn't have. If I start trying to give orders they'll want your consent."

"Of course. If you figure out where you're at and text me the number, I'll call in and get it handled." She paused for a minute. "But one more thing before you go."

"Anything," he responded without hesitation.

"I… Do you have a plan for when he gets out? I still have to work, and I don't think I'll have the time to give him the care and attention he'll need. I can't afford not to go."

Shit. He had been so worried about the here and now he hadn't really thought about letting the kid go home and what would happen once he got there. He really didn't want him out of his sight again, which he knew was completely infeasible but not an illogical response to what had happened.

And May… she was right. Of course, it wasn't as though he couldn't fund them plenty for as long as she needed to be off work, but she didn't seem like the type of woman who took handouts well, and if he had to guess, her job was probably one of the few things holding her together at this point. He knew that feeling.

He also knew that he didn't want to leave him. In his mind, he knew there was a seemingly simple solution to both of these problems, but… was he ready for that? Most days he could hardly take care of himself, let alone the kid. And what would happen if the other Avengers showed up at the tower? And with the move… how could he balance that, honestly?

"I…" He swallowed thickly. He could figure all that out later, if May even said yes. Peter was the most important thing right now. "I could take him."

"What?"

"I mean, he could stay with me. Most of the time, I mean. You know, until he's better. You'd still have full access to him, of course, and I'm not exactly experienced with taking care of someone, I admit, but between Pepper and Happy and I, we could figure out. Take shifts, or something." He was rambling, he knew, but as soon as the words were out of his mouth he was struck with an overwhelming fear that he'd overstepped, and that May would change her mind about him even being able to see him, so he found himself fumbling to justify his offer.

"Oh. Oh." May stopped for a moment, and he thought his heart stopped too. "That's really kind of you, but I couldn't ask you to do that."

"It's not asking. I'm offering." He looked down at him, reaching up and brushing the kid's hair from his face, careful to avoid touching his skin. "I'd be thrilled to have him. Besides, it's the least I could do, considering this whole thing is my fault." Which was all the more reason she'd be justified in saying no.

May went silent, and he said nothing, knowing nothing else he could say would do much for her. "Alright, then," she said at last. "Let me know when you're on your way back to the city, then. I'll meet you at the Tower?"

"That sounds great. I'll keep you updated, May."

"Thank you." He knew those two words went so much deeper and were for more than just promising to keep her updated.

"Anytime," he said, and meant it. Then she hung up, and he lowered the phone, staring at it for a long minute before putting it away.

He'd done everything he could. Now all that was left to do was sit there and wait.

[weenie-kun]

so i saw your post talkin about self ship and that your all over the spectrum and i wanna know who you ship with and where on the spectrum you are with em all?

oh dear. i guess i can give a vague summary. utapri is where i started the train and syos my first pick, who became the special one whom i care, and who i tend to avoid seeing same fav art of other shippers with the most :? with ren is the same, hes. special. makes heart into fondue in a way only he can. camus i grew very fond of too, so i uh. guess those three are the main ones im attached to in weenie canon. any others are hypothetical i spose. ill hide blabber under cut

if i think about a spectrum even... uh sometimes i draw just for aesthetic reasons of looking good together or coupled with a specific scenario thats cute, sometimes its just an interaction id think i have? or expressing a feeling of joy i feel seeing em on screen. when i first drew em i thought to draw some doodles of almost every boy to play in the waters.... theres art with ai ive done cuz i just felt like it and that could be the extent of it. that and i think hes a sweet character so it spawns hugs or cat nap art, though maybe playing the games eventually could yano. change stuff. then one time in the past i drew masato art cuz his music made me emotional but that’s where it ended too fbvjhdb reiji is also an honorable mention cuz any time he shows up he sparks joy immediately, and his energy helped break a huge art block i had at the time. hes absolutely incredible. good design good voice good everything. made me like the color green more  ive never extensively thought about this........l think in new fandoms i just checked out with the additional lens of how i’d get along with someone. realized theres not a ton i like but doodling what dynamic or friendship could spawn is part of the fun if anythin else comes up its just spontaneous i guess! it might not even be a ship im actively on at the time vs the top 3 there.  but if i were to list some favs, which i forgot i was asked to do,  whomst im curious about id say homare a3, sakyo a3, ai utapri, anime batman diluc and kaeya genshin impact?? undecided just probable to spawn art oh yeah girls too. damn. all i can recall is bayonetta this has been a very uninformative post have a good day

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves