#i thought i had uploaded this already but i didnt

[introdemodev]

introdemo if it took place in 2019

[akunya]

hello ive always loved your fics since nijien days and now more into love and deepspace, specifically sylus (the pipeline is universal, i’m afraid) so now, i beg for stalker sylus who is obsessed with everything you do, will fuck you in an alleyway please, cnc and mindbreak, thank you 🙏🏻

"window watching."

pairings: sylus x m!reader

summary: sylus can only take so much of your teasing before he breaks. unfortunately for you, his methods aren't so nice.

tw: NONCON, stalking, obsessive behavior, size diff., frottage, sph (if you squint), praise. implied kidnapping, handjobs, choking, coercion, dacryphilia etc.

notes: see how i didnt add stalker to the front of his name? i genuinely think he would stalk the shit out of you and it doesnt need to be an au, lol.

in all seriousness, i hope you enjoy it. i'm getting back into the swing of things... probably a bit ooc and doesnt follow the game lore (too much, that is).

im uploading this while sick, so i apologize for any mispellings/mistakes/etc.

please let me know what you think!

stalker sylus who cannot, at first much to his dismay, keep his eyes off of you.

everywhere you go, every time you think you have a sliver of privacy: he's always watching. whether its mephisto or one of the twins, he needs to know what you're doing at all times. taking note of what stores you visit, what time you usually come home, who you talk to. it becomes an urge he cant quite satisfy.

at first, he only watched out of boredom. yea sure, he needed you alive, so keeping note of your location was just another one of his duties. someone as naive and reckless as yourself was bound to get into trouble.

but gradually it gets worse.

"where are you off to now, kitten?" mumbling to himself, the man swipes across his phone screen, watching surveillance cameras with a bated breath as you walked home. your figure was a bit blurry, but that didn’t stop sylus as he watched intently. it was nothing truly unusual. around this time, you'd be already cozied up in bed, but it seems like work made you stay overtime tonight. "idiots.." sylus's brow furrowed slightly at the thought of you overworking yourself.

before you, he didn't care much for romance. friendship, trivial things: he thought those were what made a person weak.

but now?

every little thing you do drives him mad. the way you carefully fold your clothes after finishing your laundry to make sure your room stays clean. how you always greet the cashier at the nearby convenience store with a smile, thanking them for bagging your items. how long you take a shower for, which coffee shop is your favorite, even down to the type of shampoo and conditioner you use daily: sylus had it all down to a science. he practically knew everything about you.

even then, a question still rang through his mind. why would you waste your time with all of these other men?

he knew about that strange doctor who's gaze lingered on yours a little too long for his liking. sylus felt his fist clench when he would watch you talk to that painter too, jaw clenching in annoyance when he would see you walk home or to work with that blonde boy.

he shook his head, trying to snap out of his own thoughts. this wasn't about them. right now, this was about you.

it was another evening with you winding down after a long day of work. a tired sigh leaves your lips, and sylus’s cock throbs watching you undress as you slowly slip off your shirt. was it normal to be staring at another man like this? watching from cameras could only do so much, so this time, the villain found himself on a roof adjacent to your window. thankfully, you were too stupid a majority of the time to close the blinds, so he had a nice view of your nightly routine.

...which was mostly boring to watch, if he's being honest. you walked around shirtless for a moment, putting away your work gear and leaving your shoes by the door. it was a whole lot of nothing for a good 15 minutes, leaving sylus to rethink his choices for the night.

sitting on the cold bricks of the adjacent roof, he couldn't help feeling just a tinge of shame. "how pathetic, watching afar like some sort of pervert. i should just go in there and.." he scoffed, eyes narrowing in what seemed to be.. annoyance? the leader of onychinus hated chasing his prey like some sort of weakling. he was better than this. he deserved to have you in his arms, no matter what you thought or said.

however, his words abruptly came to a stop when your fingers trailed to the hem of your pants.

dark red eyes stared deeply at your hands as they softly pushed at the fabric of your boxers. languid fingertips played with the fabric, yawning as your thumbs hooked against the waistband and began to pull. further and further, pulling ever so slightly to show off a bit of your happy trail, the base of your cock threatening to peek for unwanted visitors to gawk at. sylus could feel himself leaning closer, the distance between the roof and your window suffocating as more of your skin was exposed.

almost, that is, before an imaginary light bulb in your head went off and you quickly took your hands out of your pants. "shit, i forgot to pick up dinner on my way home. i should do that now before i go to bed," you thought to yourself, whisking away from the window and grabbing a plain shirt to throw on. reaching for your keys and wallet, you opened the door and left your apartment as usual, unbeknownst of the dangerous man watching your every step.

sylus's own hands were nearly trembling. the ache and tent in his pants didn't help either, feverishly getting up and following you as you made your way into linkon city. he didn't have to ask mephisto or the twins to follow you - thankfully, the rooftops gave sylus a clear view of the streets below, and he could spot you out from anywhere. the man didnt bother to speed up either, knowing which store you were going to (you were very predictable, after all).

he also knew that there's a convenient dark alleyway just before you would turn the corner to go to the establishment. unfortunately, this vital piece of information slipped your mind, leaving you completely unaware and unguarded as rough hands yanked you into the darkness.

"mmph-!" you tried to scream, the hand covering your mouth muffling your pleas. even though you worked out and were pretty fit because of your hunter lifestyle, your strength was nothing compared to the man hovering above you, wriggling to no avail.

"shh, kitten. you wouldn't want anyone to hear us, would you?" the older man mocked, relishing in the fear and befuddlement in your eyes. it took a second for you to process that the other man was none other than sylus himself, smirking as you squirmed in his grasp. red eyes bore into yours, filing you with fear that rose every second. why did he have you pinned in some dirty alleyway like a thief? surely it wasn't money he was after.

the leader moved his hand from his mouth to your neck, holding you in place as you gasped for air. "s-sylus? what are you doing here?!" crying out, your body couldn't struggle anymore, so you opted for your hands gripping his wrist and trying to pull it off of your neck. "what does it look like im doing?" he scoffed, leaning in close to your ear.

"im here to see you, of course."

brow furrowing, you looked at him in confusion as you took in your surroundings. "a dark, dingy alleyway?" you thought aloud, looking him up and down. sylus fixed his posture as he looked down at you, your size difference becoming more obvious by the second. "oh, did you want me to come and knock on your door instead? i apologize, sweetie. you should've told me you wanted the big bad leader of onychinus inside your little headquarters." his grin infuriated you as you rolled your eyes.

before you could think of a clever rebuttal, sylus wedged his knee in between your legs, parting them open as his thigh pressed against your crotch. "i-i dont.." you muttered, voice raising in pitch to pair with your nervousness as he kissed your neck. he didn't bother answering your silly questions, simply smiling before biting into your shoulder. you hissed in pain, trying to push him off even more than before.

"you don't what, love?" his voice isn't serious at all for the situation you're in. cold skilled hands fiddled with your zipper, freezing for just a moment before gripping onto your girth. the sensation made you cry out again, unable to hide your face from your attacker, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. sylus coo'ed at your feeble attempts to push him away, unbuttoning and pulling out his own cock to hold against yours.

looking down, the size comparison of his cock against yours made your face feel warm. ""aww, look at you sweetie. you're all bark but no bite." the older man laughed again, fingertip circling the head of your cock as he teased you. you loathed the way you shuddered at his snide remarks, the sound of the bustling city just feet away making you panic again.

you raised your voice, "sylus, this isn't funny anymore, seriously! cut it out!".

the wordless tension spoke volumes.

sylus didn't laugh or comment on your refusal. instead, his grip on your neck only grew tighter, choking you against the wall as his other hand started to make a fist around both of your cocks. "do you see me laughing?" his tone was firm as he squeezed harder on your throat. you couldn't say anything back, choking out a sob as he slowly began to jerk you both off together, a low moan slipping from his lips.

"ive wanted this for so long, kitten. so fucking long." muttering, he continued to grind his hips against yours, the unwanted pleasure making your head spin. "i've had enough watching from afar. i think its finally time i get what i want, right?" he kissed the tip of your ear, toying with the cartilage between his teeth.

unable to believe what was happening, you could only cry out more strings of "please", "stop", "no": all music to sylus's ears. "you don't really want me to stop, right? look at how much your cock is leaking onto mine.." he chuckled lowly again, grabbing the back of your neck to force your gaze downwards.

he wasn't wrong, either - dribbling precum and throbbing the entire session, your dick looked just as eager as sylus's, twitching with every flick of his wrist. it wasn't your fault that sylus was way more experienced compared to you. whining, you shook your head again, trying to close your eyes shut so you wouldn't remember any of this. the outside world was so dangerously close, and anyone could catch you two at any moment. how disgraceful it would be: a well known hunter being caught rubbing cocks with the renowned leader of onychinus. you frowned at the thought, whimpering as sylus went back to kissing your bruised neck.

"you could come with me, yknow. back to the n109 zone, i'd take such good care of you." sylus whispered as he felt himself inch closer to his own release, hand pumping furiously between you two. hot tears streamed down your cheeks, your brain awry with the overwhelming sensations of pleasure and pain. "you could have anything you wanted. you wouldn't have to work another day in your life." he groaned, balls tightening at the thought of his own perverse fantasy, imagining you kept in his bedroom all day just for him to use.

"d-don't, sylus please -" you hiccuped, forehead resting on sylus shoulder as he toyed with you. "im gonna cum," sobbing as you held onto his biceps, not wanting to sink any further against the dirty alleyway wall. with so much teasing and dirty whispers from the other, you couldn't think straight, practically panting in sylus's ear as his hands jerked you both off closer and closer.

growling, sylus slotted his lips against yours, a surprisingly gentle kiss before muttering under his breath. "be a good boy and cum for me then," using your fluids as lube, the squelch of his tight fist jerking off your cock made you spill. moaning loudly, your nails dug into his arm as thick ropes of semen poured out, mixing with his load that came seconds after.

silence filled the space between both of you as you tried to catch your breath. your eyelids felt heavy, leaning onto sylus for full support as he rubbed your back. you couldn't quite process what just happened, brain feeling much too fuzzy for any thinking right now.

perhaps it was a mix of exhaustion from your normal workday and your encounter that made you pass out on the older man's shoulder. nonetheless, he was not going to let this opportunity go to waste. pressing onto the comms headpiece in his ear, sylus spoke as quietly as he could not to disturb you.

"luke, kieran, bring one of the cars to my location. i have a little kitten coming home with me today."

[jaicey]

CHERRY LIPGLOSS SUCKS

Part 1 | Part 2

Summary: You and Regina have a long-standing history together, and now, with your exes pairing up in a new relationship, you are reluctantly forced to work together to win them back. Will the familiarity bring you closer, or will old habits resurface, leading to further tensions?

Warnings: Mentions of weed, Manipulative regina, profanity and pretty bad writing

1.2k words

A/N:This is my first time writing a fanfic guys sue me 😔🙏

"Kiss me."

"What-" My eyes widened as cherry-flavored lipglossed lips suddenly pressed into mine, cutting off my breath and words.

How the hell did it lead to this?

2 WEEKS AGO

"What the fuck?" I muttered, my eyes widening in disbelief as I stared at my phone screen. Tina, was there in the photo, holding hands with none other than Aaron Samuels

It was a recent picture, uploaded just minutes ago, with over a hundred likes already on an account called North Shore Couples. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"N/N?" my friend Mae asked, concern evident in her voice. "You practically look like you've seen a ghost - are you alright?"

I hastily shove my phone in her face (figuratively, not literally), revealing the Instagram post I had found.

"Holy crap." she gasped, equally stunned. Brynn, our friend seated beside Mae, leaned over to get a glimpse of my phone.

"No way...Thats your ex right?" Brynn confirmed "didnt she say she was a lesbian?!" She exclaimed taking my phone.

"Exactly!" I retorted, the pain of my recent breakup with Tina after a simple misunderstanding had only happened two weeks ago, and I had been tirelessly trying to win her back by giving her flowers and chocolates daily and attempting to engage in conversation whenever we crossed paths - though she always snubbed me with a curt reply. And now, here she was, holding hands with Aaron Samuels.

My heart practically shattered into a zillion tiny pieces.

"Hold up, I thought Aaron was with Regina?" Ander dingles(if you get this i love you), our other friend interjects, snatching my phone from brynn to also examine the image.

Regina.

I can't help but wonder how she's taking it right now. My gaze instinctively drifts towards the "plastics" table, only to find the trio deeply engaged in a discussion, most likely gossiping - Their speciality

"They broke up three days ago, you doofus," Mae replied, rolling her eyes at Ander, who merely shrugged and replied "They always break up."

"I bet they'll get back together again in three days," Brynn countered, taking my phone from Ander again and glancing at the photo.

As I looked back at Regina, I saw her friend Gretchen, wide-eyed, showing her phone to the blonde. Upon seeing the screen, Regina froze for a moment before snatching the phone and accidentally dropping her fork on her tray. The cafeteria grew a bit quieter, likely because everyone knew what Gretchen had just shown Regina. Whispers spread throughout the room, adding to the tension.

"She must have found out," I muttered, turning back to my friends, oblivious to the sharp blue eyes fixated on the back of my head. As Mae grabbed my phone to scrutinize the picture again.

"Can you guys stop playing hot potato with my phone? You each have your own, for goodness sake!" I exclaimed, snatching my phone back from Mae, my irritation simmering, uncertain whether its from their phone-passing antics, my ex's sudden change in orientation, or the fact that I had been busting my ass for two long weeks just to win her back.

The chatter in the cafeteria suddenly resumed as everyone returned to their own conversations and cliques.

-

"Damn it," I muttered to myself, searching frantically through my pockets, "where the hell is it?" The math class had ended, leaving me mentally drained. I decided to take a quick break to ease my mind, but my stress levels were skyrocketing as I failed to locate my blinker in any of my pockets.

"Looking for this?" Regina's voice rang out, causing a shiver to run down my spine.

I quickly turned around, my nerves on edge, as I spotted her holding my blinker between her forefinger and thumb.

Panic surged through me, but I quickly attempted to remain composed as I glanced around the empty classroom, thankful that we were alone. "How did you get that?"

Regina responded with a snarky tone, rolling her eyes. "You don't exactly hide them very well," she quipped.

I squinted my eyes at her, dissatisfied with her dismissive answer.

With a hint of annoyance, she clarified, "It was quite literally hanging off your bag, you bimbo."

Her heels clicked against the floor as she approached me.

Regina extended her hand, offering my blinker as if she were a benevolent angel.

With caution and suspicion, I edged closer to take it, but she swiftly pulled her hand away with a mischievous smirk on her face.

I sigh, "What's the catch?" I asked irritably, knowing damn well there was something she wanted from me.

Regina feigned surprise with a sarcastic remark, "You know me so well."

"You must already know about the new couple, right?" she posed, her tone laced with insincerity.

The mention of the recent pairing of Aaron and my ex, Tina, caused me to roll my eyes.

"yeah, what about them?" I grumbled.

"They're quite the couple, aren't they?" Regina commented, though her tone lacked genuine warmth.

I huffed in frustration and demanded, "Just get to the point."

"I need your help." She says fidgeting with my blinker

"What?" I replied, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Regina stated with certainty, "Tina's your ex, right?" I nodded in affirmation.

She then added, "Well, I'm pretty sure she still has the hots for you." I couldn't help but chuckle incredulously, signaling for her to continue, my skepticism evident.

"Yeah sure, her responses to my attempts definitely suggest otherwise," I retorted dryly.

Regina disregarded my remark, "And im sure you probably want her back, just like I want Aaron back." She planted herself in one of the classroom chairs, resting her palm beneath her chin as she looked up at me, causing my jaw to clench at the mention of Aaron's name.

"That boy is incredibly naive," Regina continued. "He always comes crawling back to me, but now it's more challenging with Tina Twat around." Her gaze fixed on me, she proposed, "You can make TIna jealous and I'll make Aaron insecure, and thus, he'll come rushing back to me."

"That's manipulative," I pointed out to Regina.

She responded with a dismissive scoff, "Pfft, of course it is!" A small chuckle escaped her as her expression remained cold and mocking.

"So...lets team up" Regina suggested, looking me straight in the eyes. "just like old times, yeah?"

...

"Do you think we'll still be friends in the future?."

"Of course!"

...

"Fuck no."

Her smile faded at my rejection, replaced by a sly smirk. "Then I suppose you wouldn't mind if the school council were to find out about you and your friends little, not so legal herb business?"

Regina's smirk widened as I reluctantly backed down, not wanting my friends to get into trouble.

"I'll take that as a yes" She smiled victorious as she rose from her seat, sauntering towards me with an arrogant air. She took hold of my blinker, taking a quick hit before deliberately blowing the smoke in my face. As she placed it against my lips, I could taste the lingering sweetness of her cherry lip gloss.

"Ill see you tomorrow, after school, underneath the bleachers. Bye." Regina says, her voice laced with a mix of victory and satisfaction. She waved her fingers as she walked away, leaving me standing there, contemplating the situation.

"Cherry lipgloss sucks"

[xenosagaepisodeone]

For the last 2 weeks I've been transfixed on a strain of lost media I've come to call "bad memory induced media", where the supposed media in question does not (or at least more than likely does not) exist, but there are swaths of people convinced that they have definitely seen it at some point. There is rarely anything more to go off of for the hunt than a vague summary outlined in a post on some forum, but the lack of specificity allows people to fill in the blanks with similar types of media that they've seen, giving them the impression that they've already experienced it. I've found that this is extremely common for alleged lost shock media in particular, which isn't surprising. I talked a little about this on my LOL SUPERMAN post, and I get the impression that a similar strain of logic applies on a smaller scale.

Anyway, 2 major cases I have been looking at for a while are Saki Sanobashi/Go For A Punch and Evil Farm Game. Saki Sanobashi in particular fascinates me because an urban legend like this should have crumbled to the wayside by like 2018 at the latest, since that's when anime more or less became demystified to normal people. The basic premise is that it is an 80s/90s horror anime about anywhere from 4-8 girls trapped in a bathroom. The girls talk about their lives, hopes, dreams and philosophies before slowly going insane and dying one by one. If you like horror stuff you probably are already getting the vague impression that it sounds familiar- which could be influenced by any swath of media artifacts from Saw to the Russian Sleep Experiment creepypasta to the Ikea SCP to ClockUp's Euphoria to snippets of Battle Royale to that one Grisaia no Kajitsu arc. OP insisted he found it fully subbed on the deep web (omegalul) and hasn't found a trace of it since, implying some kind of murky origin or legal status (the OVA is not pornographic btw). As you can probably tell, I think this is silly. Like, so much goes into anime production that it would be difficult to hide any traces of this thing's existence. Someone had to voice act those girls. Someone had to sit hunched over a desk and draw that settei. OVAs were such a new thing in the 80s and 90s that both sfw and nsfw series were advertised in magazines. The only way that this could be so lost that not even a MAL entry remains is if it had been a student/indie production or something made for a single comiket event...but even at that....you're telling me that someone still managed to rip this from a vhs and subtitle it? And then chose to upload it to the deep web instead of youtube? even the title sounds like something google translated but didnt format correctly ("Saki Sanobashi" being gibberish while "Saki-san no Bashi" translates to "Saki-san's Bridge").

And yet there are people who will say "I definitely saw this at some point" because they saw a reaction image similar to the alleged scene where the protagonist smashes someone's head into a mirror. "The neck scratching death sounds familiar...." because you watched a higurashi amv! And OP did too, and thought it was so creepy that he involved it in his fake story. It's almost grating how much you have to suspend your disbelief to embrace that something like this exists in the exact way that stories like this insist. While many people have accepted that the series is likely not real in the last 4 or so years, there still persists a cohort of people hunting for Saki Sanobashi, likely because they are kids who are now too old to believe in Squidward's Suicide.

Evil Farm Game gives me a chuckle because it goes like this: a redditor posts to r/tipofmytongue about an old flash game where you play as a farmer who kills his wife and then has to hide her body while going about his farm tasks. The setup is completely fine and actually kind of reminiscent of a few story driven flash games I played on newgrounds as a kid. Many people came forward insisting that they had played this as well, one person even producing a link to a file from their hard drive that they couldn't open, but strongly believed that the game was there. A subreddit was even created to support the search. The twist is that it was a misremembered joke from a vinesauce stream.

Everyone knows that memory is an extremely fallable thing; people can be coaxed into believing that they did or saw things that they didn't with the correct prompts. What gets me is that a lot of people on the hunt for "bad memory induced media" seem to largely be hyping themselves up. They want to believe there is something that exists against all reason no matter what. It's chuuni in nature. Do not get me wrong- the interest in finding a cool, mysterious, haunting piece of media isn't lost on me, but dog, the dopamine hit of finding a previously lost 1985 commercial for almonds in a box of vhs tapes you got from eBay is the same.

[sisville-v11]

todays the 1 year anniversary of techdogs release, and god. i cant believe its been a year now dude

ive definitely talked about the impact this album left on me here before, but i think i need to like. actually elaborate on that, because techdog had a paw in what would end up being a complete life restructure i went through earlier this year that fundamentally changed the core of who i was. for this post, though, i wanna talk more specifically about techdog itself and what was going through my mind as the parts were dropping & immediately afterwards rather than its aftermath of what it did to me. this is probs gonna be a long post so best to put this read more here (update from future me after i finished this post: i was right its extremely long)

so prior to techdogs release, i already had some familiarity with patricias work cause a friend of mine introduced me to her stuff, and at the time i thought her songs were... pretty cool! i think it was rosa, daylight spectrum, and visiting narcissa i listened to sometimes before this, but it wasnt often and i was still knee-deep in my c418 fixation so she wasnt what i would consider a favorite artist of mine at that time. enter techdog.

i saw she had just uploaded TECHDOG 1, and saw her pinned comment saying it was a 4-part project shed been working on since 2022, and that shed be uploading each new part every day. cool! took a listen through it, thought it was a neat lil collection of tracks but i didnt think too much about it then, it sorta came and went for me.

the next day came and TECHDOG 2 dropped. much like techdog 1, i these tracks sorta came and went for me though i did like them a bit more than techdog 1's, outside of the first one which i found super catchy. i did notice at the time it was a bit longer than techdog 1, but didnt think much of it then.

new day, new techdog. TECHDOG 3 dropped, and it was here that i started noticing the trend of each part being about 20 minutes longer than the last. something else i immediately noticed here is that this album sounded a lot more mature than the first two, but couldnt pin down why exactly i thought that at the time. regardless, i enjoyed it notably more than the first two techdogs.

then TECHDOG 4 dropped and god DAMN was this a good-ass album, at the time it was easily my favorite of the TECHDOGs and also my new favorite album of hers, i absolutely love skillful use of repetition in music and i felt every song in 4 executed it perfectly, so many of the songs in here stick out in my mind even today (especially big mention to tracks 1 and 10... and again just about all the other tracks in here theyre all kickass). so that was that, the techdog series was concluded and she mentioned she would be uploading the compilation of all 4 albums the next day, which i was immediately planning to listen through the entirety of again and i was very much looking forward to it.

and then shit got real.

when shit gets real

TECHDOG 5 dropped to my COMPLETE and utter surprise and it threw me so off guard that i had literally no idea what would be in store with this one. i re-listened to some of techdog 4 to get myself warmed back up before jumping back in and... i was not ready for the tone shift. the pure emotion of these songs. GEGTGEGHGETECETHTOTHCHDHCOCDCODODOD literally sounds like an anxiety attack perfectly translated from emotion into song. SO MANY of these songs are perfect transcriptions of raw negative emotion put into song form, i dont know how the fuck she did that. and the entire progression of the album sounds like youre being pulled deeper, deeper into the negativity and fear and pain and turmoil of your mind, by the time you get to the last track its clear theres no way youre seeing the light anytime soon, only the growing darkness awaits.

(context for those that dont know: excursions is the c418 album that completely reshaped the way i thought about music back in 2020 and my brain latched onto his music extremely hard as a result. and then i realized that was happening again with techdog)

so uh. i think its suffice to say that i was locked in when it came to hearing this series out til the end. and i didnt have long to wait for continuing it, as TECHDOG 6 would drop the next day.

i saw it drop in the morning, and its description immediately stuck with me - "Feeling pain." the feeling of pain being translated into music was something where i had NO clue at all how she couldve possibly executed it, and its something i found myself pondering the entire day until i finally listened to it in the evening. i already wasnt feeling great that day, so i think what happened next only exasperated my emotions further while listening to it.

pain. pain its all pain. of course musical pain would be noise. of course it would sound like garbled noise thats what pain FEELS LIKE. the onslaught of static garble was so intense that i had to take off my headphones and listen to the album through my laptop speakers. for the rest of the albums duration i was just laying on my bed and, letting my ears absorb the musical onslaught this album was bringing forth.

techdog 6 isnt my favorite of the techdogs, but i think its extremely impressive how, once again, patricia was out here translating pure emotion to sound almost to a tee; its pretty clear to me that all of the tracks here emphasize different types of pain one would go through. the first few tracks focus more on physical pain, the type of searing physical pain you'd feel from being horribly beaten up, while the rest sound more akin to mental pain, bubbling mental anguish from being depressed, feeling like a failure because you cant do what comes so easily to others, or... other similarly horrible mental health episodes. both very different types of pain but still unbearable to go through all the same. DODTDODHDODTOGOTOHTETHTGHCHGHEGCGEGCECECEC sounds like desperately trying to convince yourself youre okay when you absolutely arent and youre spiraling about it in a manic state. DEDGDEDCDEDGEOEGECGHGCGOCTCOCHOTOHOTHTHTHT is terrifying, terrifying beyond what my vocabulary can adequately describe it as, the absolute rock bottom that leaves you feeling broken beyond all repair, that there's no way you're escaping this, youre trapped in the pits of hell as the leviathans swarm around you until you finally relent and you need to just give up now.

until... the final track happens. GEGCGEGHGEGCEDECEHCOCHCDHTHDHODTDODTOTOTOT happens.

i was not ready for this song to sound like that. to hit like that. a song so harsh yet so beautiful, blasting tiny rays of sun down through the roaring sea of pain for you to grasp onto and try to free yourself from the pits. a release. its the only song thats ever made me ugly sob, and for 20 minutes at that, its so inexplicably powerful. guys this is still the most beautiful song ive ever heard in my life, i still think this a year after it hit me for the first time. for all techdog relistens after this, i needed to forbid myself from relistening to this song unless i was doing an entire album runthrough from the start, or at least the entirety of the dark side portions, because this is the type of experience you cant ruin with overexposure. this is the type of song you only get the pleasure of experiencing once in a blue moon. likely even less often than that. its just- god. god damn. i cant believe it. i cant believe this song exists

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the dust clears and TECHDOG 7 reveals itself the next day. patricia made it a point to say that this one was the true final part in the techdog series. i didnt even know if we would get a techdog 7... how the hell could you follow up that last song? in what way are you able to do that?

...with drone, i found out.

i remember i was confused when i first started playing 7 because i heard nothing coming through my headphones at all - thats intentional, as i soon found out. it starts out with nothing, and each track slowly but surely brings things back into focus, back to reality as the hollowness left from the aftermath of the pain starts to be replaced with regular emotion again. different emotion than before, but still, better than emptiness. i dont have much to say about OCOTOCODOCOTOCECTCDCTHTDTETDGDEDHDEGEHEGEHGHGHGHG specifically, as i feel it speaks for itself, but i did want to highlight the way techdog 7s tone changes after this because i find it really, really interesting.

the way GEGTGEGHGEGTGECETEHETOTHTCTHDHCHOHCDCOCDCODODODOD sounds so desolate, as you start desperately screaming into the void harder and harder hoping to hear a response back. the way DODTDODHDODTDOGOTOHOTETHTGTHCHGHEHGCGEGCGECECECEC sounds like trying to process the loss of a version of yourself you never thought would leave, the way THTCTHTOTHTCTHDHCHOHCECOCDCOGODOEODGDEDGDEGEGEGEG sounds like dusting off the rubble and finally accepting that this is the way it is. (some of) the stages of grief on full display here.

but, just in case there is anything left... the 2nd-to-last track, DEDGDEDCDEDGDEOEGECEGHGCGOGCTCOCHCOTOHOTOHTHTHTHT is one last journey through reliving all the past trauma in hopes of finding something, anything from beforehand before calling it quits for good, yet coming up empty handed and being like fine ill let it go, ready to accept the circumstances and move on, try to rebuild yourself with what you do have. this was another song that i had to like... stop what i was doing, and fixate my full attention on everything happening in the song. it was too intense to ignore.

as was the final track of the techdog series, GEGCGEGHGEGCGEDECEHECOCHCDCHTHDHOHDTDODTDOTOTOTOT. a song that absorbed me for the last 30 minutes of its runtime, my entire being felt synergized with the energy this song brought with it until... suddenly, its gone. its over. and i had no idea what the hell i just experienced.

...

even now, i dont really know how to describe what happened after i finished techdog. i barely remember it, its all kind of a blur.

one thing i do specifically remember is that i tried remixing a song from techdog a couple days after i finished the series, and eventually scrapped it after it got a ways in production because uhhh... dude i slowly realized that i couldnt make music anymore. at all. techdog had set the standard of music in my brain so high that i would not be able to make any new songs i was proud of until i buckled myself down and figured out how to stop playing bab songs on my fisher price keyboard and start making some real shit. there was a path my music was taking shortly before techdog did what it did to me, and that IMMEDIATELY got terminated and hard branched elsewhere because i realized oh my god, that type of music i was making sucks actually and i need to get better right now before i make anything thats worth showing people again. and thats how it took 8 months for my confidence in making music to come back, after i sat down, learned some new plugins, and learned how to make crazy shit.

...i sorta lost focus a bit there oop. but yeah, techdog still holds such a special place in my heart and its so often that ill still revisit some of the songs cause they go hard as fuck. especially those from 4, 5, and 7, theres some songs in there that i absolutely adore. if i had to rank my enjoyment of each album nowadays casual-listening wise it would probably go 4 = 5 = 7 >> 6 > 1 > 3 > 2. i think theyre all great, its mostly just a vibes thing for me that has me preferring some over others.

i dont know how to end this big ass mini essay i wrote about my time experiencing techdog after saying all those things i did about it. so uhhhh... i guess thats it. maybe ill attach a wip of that scrapped techdog remix in a reblog just so it sees the light of day at all? idk

...ok yea im ending this post now

[burnedwriter]

N.N.N Harbinger special!

A/n:i have had so many problems with this fic i swear,this is a reupload of the fic due to my blog being shadow banned and my post getting community labeled,i have an ao3 account now where i will upload my fics there too

A/n:it happened again this is the 3rd time im reuploading this fic im so done with tumblr sb has to be reporting my posts at this point

Warnings:mention of experimentation,suggestive content,teasing,rough fucking,!afab reader

A/n:im not responsible for what people read

💉Dottore

💉he would accept the challenge only to experiment on himself.we are talking about dottore afterall.He was curious to see the effects that it had on his body.

💉he will even tell you to tease him a bit to see if the there any diferent effects.

💉this man sees everything as an opportunity for an experiment and suprisingly enough he made it through the whole month

💉until one day,you were approached by a fatui agent.

''lord dottore requests your assistance!''He said monotonely

and with that you got up from your seat and headed towards dottore's office.Knoking the door before entering,you closed the door behind you,he had his chair turned back at the door but as soon as he heard the door close he turned his chair to face you.

you always felt like a deer in headlights to his presence making your whole body freeze in place

''you requested my assistance,how's the experiment going sir?''you said cowardly

making himself comfortable he placed his elbows on his desk as the tips of his fingers touched eachether creating a sophisticated pose

''the experiment went great dear,but there is one last thing i want you to help me with.....how about you show me what that beautiful mouth of yours can do other than talking''

🐋tartaglia/childe

🐋When you told this man about the challenge,he acceted imediatly without any hesitation.Childe loves challenging his abilities in every way he can.

🐋But what he didnt expect was how hard it would be with you around him

🐋he lasted until day 15 and failed in the most clitche way possible

🐋You heard him call you from the living room,so you quickly threw a towel over yourself as you just came out of the shower and headed to the living room.

''what is it ajax?''you asked confused as you saw him stand still before you

his cheecks flashed red as he continued to stare at your half covered body

''you look really beautiful like this''his voice trembling almost like he fell in love again

coming closer to you he wrapped his arms around your waist closing the distance between you

You saw his gaze turn from soft to a lustful one,as his hands slithered down your ass massaging it softly and earning a low moan from you

"How about we take this to the bedroom hm"

👿Scaramouche

👿When you told him about the challenge he thought it was stupid but....he accepted it only because hehas a big ego about himself and wants to prove its not that hard

👿So of course you took it upon yourself and decided to tease him a bit just to step up the difficulty for him.

👿Pretending you dropped your pen and picking it up only to flash scara with a glimse of your panties,or another thing you did to tease him was grinding yourself against his crotch every time you sat on his lap and when he confroted you about it,you tried to pay it off as coincidence

That was the last straw for him

"Are you satisfied now slut" he hissed threw his teeth as he pounded into your core as he had you pinned with your legs next to your head

"Trying so hard to get my attention"he said continuing his merciless pace

By that you knew you were in for a long night

👖Pantalone

👖 Pantalone is different from the rest of the harbingers.He will agree to participate in the challenge under one condition,if you too joined

👖By accepting the deal you sealed your fate in he worst case possible

👖Pantalone didnt seem to break by your teasing even if it did hes impossible to read under that charming smile of his

👖Pantalone's teasing though...made you wish this month to be over already

👖He would brush his hands with yours everytime he passed you or he will whisper dirty things in your ear every chance he got just to see you cheeks glow red

👖Finally you had enough of his teasing,putting your ego aside you went straight to his office,upon entering you closed the door behind you

Pantalone lifted his head off of the paper work only to realise it was you

"Hello darling,is there anything you need?"

Bitting your lip as your face started to heat up from embarassment

"Oh!i see...you finally gave in,too bad we have to try next year again"he let out a teasing laugh as a sly smile started to form

You were in for a treat

[kumezyzo]

hellooo! can you write something about breaking up w bf!sapnap?

im not joking when i say i got two seperate asks for this. and im all for it. i made sap seem like a huge asshole in this btw. like, so insanely shitty that its almost out of character/it probably is.

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

it built up slowly over time. once the honeymoon phase had passed, you two were comfortable. and then you two needed a break. he needed breathing room and you need to reevaluate where you wanted this relationship to go. when before you could see yourself marrying him, growing old with him, having a family with him, now you just saw his flaws.

he didnt know why but he felt bored. it hurt him to admit to himself. and it hurt even more having to tell his friends about it. the same friends that had grown to love you and you had grown to love aswell.

"you're... bored?" dream asked his best friend, looking at him like he was crazy. "of a person?"

nick winced as he heard it out loud for the first time. he looked at george who looked at him in complete concern.

"it sounds worse when you put it like that..." nick responded. he rubbed at his eyes.

"it was that bad to begin with," george said shaking his head.

during the break, you felt as if you two had broken up. and the longer it went on, the more he acted like you two actually had. and it really solidified it when he started talking to other people.

you didnt think he was doing it seriously. maybe it was just to make you jealous, maybe he did stoop that low. but then you saw how how george and dream were just as confused as you.

he really did try to hide it from you. from everyone. but no ones perfect.

"nick, who are you texting?" dream asked over his shoulder, startling him. he looked at dream with wide eyes.

"what the fuck are you doing?" he asked defensively. you looked up from where you were sitting at the kitchen island to the other two on the couch. he glanced at you before looking back at his best friend.

"i was just trying to scare you..." dream said walking towards you in the kitchen confused. he had gone upstairs to get his laptop to show you something. "but really, who were you texting?"

"your mom, thats who,"

when you found it he was talking to someone, you couldnt help but feel terrible at the idea that he had already gotten over you.

you walked into your old shared bedroom, nervously avoiding eye contact with your ex-boyfriend. he looked at you blankly as you stood there with your arms crossed, trying to find words to say.

he was sat up in bed, looking up from his phone at you. "...whats up?"

"we can agree we're not together anymore? like... this isnt gonna work out, right?" you continued to stare at your socks as you waited for the heart breaking answer. but you couldn't hold it in and looked up to see his face.

he looked small and deep in thought. he glanced down at his phone screen and back up at you.

"why are you thinking about it?" you ask offendedly. "im asking to make sure we're on the same page here. it wasnt an actual fucking question."

your words rang through the air. he sat there, hearing them play over in his head. it was like he was suddenly understanding the situation. he replayed your relationship, remembering how much he loved you. how happy he was.

im sorry if this seems all over the place. this idea was a lot more elaborate in my mind. but i didnt wanna make it longer. sorry...

if you want a longer version, it would take a while for me to get it out. im gonna be super busy for a while so domt expect as frequent uploads. im also in a lowkey bad mood rn so... im sorry if this is kinda dry. -nony

[smoshkidtv]

VIDCON 2024 THOUGHTS

hiii!! this will be a VERY long post detailing some of my favorite parts of attending vidcon this year! all of it will be under the cut but i'll post my main takeaway here:

i feel very fortunate to have been able to go to vidcon considering the absolute golden era of smosh that we're in! being able to meet the whole cast was amazing and something i will cherish forever.

BUT something i will cherish much more fondly is getting to meet the friends i made through watching smosh! i don't have many friends irl who watch smosh (besides me yapping about them to my partner), so finding a community online who loves them as much as i do is amazing. the fact i got to meet and hang out with them despite our distance is truly a blessing that i will never forget. for those of you reading this post, you know who you are, and i love you guys so much!!💕

thursday, 6/27 - i was so nervous i could barely sleep! not only was i going to the smosh m&g, i would also be meeting my online smosh friends for the first time irl!

- we got to watch anthony's ISADW matpat live, and it was so fun and informative! i love listening to matpat talk and shoot the shit with anthony ^^ - i watched smosh the movie for the first time while waiting in line for the smosh m&g! surprisingly funny movie (with some really cringey parts ofc lol), i'd give it a solid 6/10!

- the smosh m&g wasn't until 4:30pm but we lined up early since tommy posted on the smosh ig story that the first 25 or so people in line would get a free smosh hoodie! i did end up getting one, and it's a smosh essentials hoodie in brown (seems to be a vidcon exclusive since the website only shows a black and white version!)

- i got to meet smosh and record them on my 3ds! i've already posted the gif version of the video, but here's the version with audio! (favorite bits: spencer being amazed by my 3ds, shayne saying "impressive," ian pointing at my purple wolf socks, and damien saying i had immense aura!)

- here's another version that's a selfie! i couldn't upload the video version, but some highlights: ian going "woaahhh 3ds" and chanse recording me recording him! (my hand was so shaky lol)

- of course, my photos with the whole cast! (spencer didnt get the memo that we were supposed to be doing a cute photo afterwards LOL)

friday, 6/28 - woke up super early to make it to the smosh live: vidcon edition panel!

- my friends and i all got dressed as characters from "that damn neighbor," and i got to be their cletus! we were even featured on the smosh ig story ^^

- we got a shoutout during the panel! it was so awesome for them to recognize us and dub us as "the neighborhood!" - THEY ASKED MY QUESTION FOR IAN AT THE PANEL!! i was lowkey freaking out and i loved the response he gave! also, i submitted another question for ian that said "has anyone say next to you at lunch yet?" (my other two friends got their questions for trevor and angela answered as well!!) - we rushed over to the smosh mouth live panel right afterwards (for those wondering what the panel was about, they talked about boobs lol)

saturday, 6/29 - went to hank and john green's panel, they're really funny and it was cool to see the two people who taught me science and history growing up lol

- we were heading to mari's m&g and got surprised by all of ogsog being there! i almost teared up in front of mari just connecting to her as one of the only WOC i watched growing up in the early days of youtube ^^

- we made it to the live "hotdog is a sandwich" panel for mythical kitchen! the whole cast was there and they were super funny ^^

so yeah. vidcon was so fun and i was very fortunate to meet my childhood heroes. i love my friends and i love smosh <3

[alicethepiper]

okay i did some snooping for @highball66 (here's his post: https://www.tumblr.com/highball66/747320411462778880/do-you-think-that-the-rebecca-easter-egg-was-more?source=share) and then it just turned into me being obsessed with the differences and now we have this. what were we talking about originally? the photo of rebecca and sexism in resident evil? anyways...

so i went through the s.t.a.r.s office in both OG2 and remake. this footage is from the ps1 version (it's totalllly not emulated) (i own the gamecube version but this was easier to capture footage on). idk why there isn't any sound, i wanted the lovely music in the back while i bonked myself into desks but its whatever. i also looked through the desk and didnt get the rebecca photo? it might not happen when claire is in the room with you, which is kinda funny. i mean yeah if i found a kind of sus photo of some girl in some dudes desk i would probably not take it out of the desk and show it to the random woman i'd just met.

here's the screenshots of all the desks. the first one i'm guessing is barry's. i totally misremembered it as chris' desk because i thought the comment leon makes about the n.r.a was funny (i only know what that is because of trixie mattel, go figure). the second one is chris' for sure. i like leon's comment about it being messy, it's funny. the third one is (i'm guessing) jill's. there's a picture of a dude on her desk that leon assumes is her boyfriend, and there is also her blue hat/berret (i think it's hers?) that i zoomed in on. the fourth desk is messy, and inspecting it doesn't give us any comments, but inspecting the boxes and the health kit satchel thing gives us the comment about leon guessing it to belong to a rookie, so i feel like it's obviously rebecca's. it looks like her stuff is all in boxes still, so im guessing that another bravo/alpha member is already at that desk and they're gonna share it (i have no clue who the desk belongs to tho).

i'm gonna upload the video of me roaming around the s.t.a.r.s. office in remake separate to this one since i can only upload one video per post. but basically, my guess is that alpha and bravo shared desks but just had different shifts. in remake, you can see that the desks are kind of split into two parts, so it seems like everyone had their own desk but they were joined. i couldn't find any hints as to who our alpha members bravo counterparts were. here's a forum talking about it that i read some of before doing my own search: https://residentevil.org/threads/the-stars-office-is-missing-something.12312/

[hallo2838]

Waiting room pt.1

Notes: thankyou for showing love on my writings. I think i will write a part.3 for the hotel experience about the punishment but i don’t have any good ideas yet and i still feel that im not really good at writing. However there is just such a lack in deukae smut and especially siyeon smut so i just continue writing my horny thoughts. Highly not proofread so it may lacks quality and grammer.

Ps. If someone has the video of this picture please send me it its from their fansign, it just radiates so much fuckboy energy

Comeback weeks are the best and the worst for you. Siyeon was busier and stressed than ever so there was hardly time that you could spend together. However due the amount of stress siyeon needs a good fucktoy to relieve her stress. So during the comeback times you would always get pounded and used harder than you could ever imagine. Also being shared among the members was a common thing because they needed to relieve there stress too. The other girls already see a lot of nudes and videos being sended in the groupchat since siyeon likes to show off and sometimes they also want a taste themselves.

One time she was watching while jiu, who was sitting next to her, was being filmed for the deukae note. However a video of siyeon pounding you from behind was played by siyeon. So in that filmed part of jiu you could hear definitely all the moans, grunts and the ass clapping. But the editor didn’t noticed so that part was uploaded on the internet. Only a day later they were aware of it but the video was already been seen by everyone. But siyeon didnt really mind because everyone praised her for her bick dick energy which made her already high ego go through the roof.

Most of the times you were just living your own life during the filming of the music shows but tomorrow you had a day off and siyeon knew because you have a shared calender. So siyeon had a good idea, she sended a picture of her in the mirror with her strap on. One hand stroking and her facial expression like a fuck boy. Tongue pressing against her cheek. She sended the nude with the text:

“I know you want my cock in your dirty cunt because you’re nothing that a cum slut for me. What if you take it in the waiting tomorrow. I know you would like it you fucking whore”

[tarotnoob]

JK (belated) bday reading - 9/2

I'm doing this on September 2nd. I think I did read for him on his actual birthday but I wasn't going to post anything. However I was thinking of him this morning because I was working on scheduling a tattoo appointment.

btw - sorry for typos in these; I voice to text my readings and since they're so long... I really don't go back and edit them. I'm more like a tarot therapist, I like to talk my way through a reading.

disclaimer: entertainment purposes only; tarot is not fact, so please don't use tarot readings as a means of proof about anything.

Going back to the readings I did in June for a sec (feel free to skip the next few paragraphs if you didnt read those):

Two things that stood out for predictions that were interesting to me because they so specifically came out as something: The first was Jin, and I didn't think it made sense at all for right after he got out of the military service, he would go camping and be doing these activities and stuff and then they announced that he had that show where the first one he was camping and hiking lol. Take that with a grain of salt but that was kind of you know a little specific. The second is about Tae. When I did his reading, I specifically mentioned that I wasn't picking up the word lonely, I was picking up the word alone. And then on are you sure, he literally plays Jimins song “alone” and says that this is the song that he relates to the most and anybody who likes it best on the album would get him.

I really really like to do predictions so when I can validate something actually happened without somebody really reaching hard to try and say oh yeah that came true. But I thought those were two very specific examples of something I talked about and then much later it kind of comes up. Come on, Tae's is... interesting.

Jungkook's birthday reading:

For reference, I looked at the photo of JK that Jhope had uploaded to his IG (which is interesting as Jhope will come up a lot in this).

I'm sitting down to look at his spread but I thought it was kind of remarkable that he got so many court cards, all of them cup cards. And then when I did the clarifications using another deck again I got court cards but with the pentacles. Usually when there's a lot of court cards, people say that can mean multiple people are around or involved or whatever and that could be the case. I find court cards strange so I like to clarify them. And then when I see the seven of swords I always like to clarify it. I get that card a lot for him and sometimes Jimin. You know besides being a card about lie or gossip, it's a card about secrets or I also sometimes see it as a card where somebody's carrying a lot of painful things on their own or trying to do too much on their own. It can also be if you want to read it in a positive light being resourceful I guess but it still has that sneaky undertone. 

Also the back of the deck for the clarification card was the hierophant and that came out in the first deck. Point being when that happens it's creepy and it means there's some consistency. 

So let's look at the original deck and then we'll look at the oracles. We have page of cups, seven of swords, King of cups, hierophant. Back of deck is the night of cups plus the fool. Oracle cards are listen, dream, and communication at the back of the deck with an invitation behind it. 

You know what's funny is on the service this is the perfect combination for somebody who just eloped lol. We do have a theme set by the oracles, we have listen, communication, and dream. So there is already some sense of listening and talking and those conversations being about some type of wish or goal or dream. It's also giving a lot of water vibes in the sense of Pisces. The cups are a creative, sensitive, artistic energy. It could be that he is talking about music or working on music or thinking about music or having conversations with certain people about music and what he wants to do in the future. The fact that he has seven of swords could also be symbolic of BTS. The members tend to get a lot of sevens when I read for them. 

Honestly the first thing that comes to my mind when I look at the hierophant and the clarifiers even on kind of jumping ahead, is you know hierophant can also stand in for certain institutions whether it's a college or government. And the fact that it's being clarified by nine of cups which is that wish fulfillment or dream card or gold, and 10 of sores is an end to a cycle or something that's even a little bit difficult or painful. It would make me think that maybe this is conversations and thoughts about what's going to happen with the music after service. Maybe because it was his birthday, depending on if they stayed where they serve or if they got together with friends and family somewhere else or even if somebody like J-Hope was actually able to visit, they had these types of conversations briefly so that could be on his mind 

Another way to interpret that hierophant stuff could be you know I also see this card as a set of organized beliefs. It doesn't have to be religious or spiritual specifically, it can be just like a creed or you know principles or whatever beliefs you have as an individual. So it could be maybe like an end to a self-defeating belief or almost like if you had the tower card or the devil card I guess. And like some of those thoughts were getting in the way of a goal. It does make me wonder if it feels more like literally as in a real roadblock. Not necessarily a mental roadblock. But as in like yeah if you couldn't do something right now based on legality or procedure or a government body standing in the way. It could also be about conformity I suppose. But this card at least as I'm interpreting it now gives a sense of rigidity. Like a wall. And it's just in the way of some type of dream. It does feel temporary. It's kind of annoying. It feels like an obligation. But let's keep looking 

So page of cups, usually about communication or some type of offer, it could be a romantic offer. You could certainly interpret that from the amount of cups cards here. I don't really see it when I look into the clarification but that doesn't mean that there aren't conversations here happening about emotional commitment to something or someone. 

But I mean another interpretation because of the seven of swords could definitely feel like this person is keeping something hidden from somebody in their life or has a secret or is keeping a secret from someone that they're committed to. But I mean again because BTS is so attached to the number seven this could also simply be okay we know this is about communication, there are seven swords involved, so this could be carrying communication related to seven people. It is interesting that the person is carrying five and then there are two on the ground. So it could be about two people of the seven. It doesn't really matter. My overall impression is like literally people got together and started talking about the future and what BTS was going to do in terms of music lol. That would just be a guess. And if he was just hanging out with other members or hearing from them at this moment then that would make perfect sense right 

I also wonder if literally there was a conversation that happened recently where somebody was talking about a literal dream. Like it wouldn't surprise me if they could do a live, that JK would be like you know I had this dream and I was telling so-and-so the other day or this other member was telling me about a dream they had. Kind of like those conception dreams. It feels like you know even if it wasn't a dream, this person is visualizing something in the future so clearly that it feels like it could have been a dream, because it's being imagined so clearly like a movie. Or I guess like a painting I don't know what you want to say. So it's almost like an omen or prophecy. That's how they might have talked about it. I mean if J-Hope is getting out of the military soon, maybe they talked about his plans and some music ideas, I don't know if they can actually work on things while they are in service. Even in private to release later, so maybe JK might be collabing with J-Hope or was helping him write something. I did use the photo J-Hope put on his Instagram so it wouldn't surprise me if some connection comes through like that 

Having the king of cups too is definitely somebody who is very level-headed in their emotions and very sensitive very calm and cool and collected and could be extremely creative and emotionally mature. I think that some advice was given as well. Either somebody seeking advice about a music project or being given advice. Yeah definitely some type of conversation was had and then that was taken away somewhere like look at the seven of swords and it's almost like okay somebody gave advice and then maybe a person with secretly listening in or is just quietly taking in that advice or that conversation to use in the future or taking note. It just depends because seven of swords typically has a negative connotation but with BTS it's just so hard to tell what these damn seven cards. None of the other cards are negative except a 10 of swords later on. 

and plus you never know what they're doing that needs to be hidden or in secret because spoilers or other things. But some type of conversation was had and something was taken away from it. I guess maybe there's even a little bit of bitterness that happened because he can't work on something right away. Maybe there is some impatience. Which doesn't really match with the cups cards but seven of swords can be bitterness and carrying guilt even. 

And then the back of the deck was knight of cups which is you know slow action or progress being made toward a creative project or something related to love feelings relationships. Maybe there are a lot of new relationships happening, people he's meeting in the military, because it does seem like there are a lot of people around or more interactions and conversations happening. The fool behind it, can be like fun, innocent, adventurous, and pulsive, risk-taking. So there could be a sense of newness to whatever this conversation is. It doesn't feel like an old conversation like hey we're reminiscing about the past and what we used to do. It feels like reinventing. It would be like totally new projects and new music and thinking about new concepts. Really looking forward instead of backward 

Right so clarifications let's tie them and maybe that will help out too. Page of cups is clarified by the king of pentacles. This could be his energy because he has a fair amount of water and pentacles in his chart. It would make me think of a person who literally creates creative communication or somebody who's offering words as a form of commitment or sincerity, there's something very reliable and what is being said or done or produced. 

It does kind of feel a little bit too like an offering of a gift. Like a material gift, something that cost money. It could be a gift that he received. It could be I mean sure it could be like a material gift but it honestly feels like somebody gave him a song. Or somebody giving a song to somebody else as a gift. Because in the king of pentacles I feel like you know this is somebody who can literally create something physical but the thing that was given is a little bit of communication, a little bit of feelings, a little bit of creativity. So a combination would definitely seem like giving somebody your feelings but you happen to make it yourself so yes it feels like giving somebody a song or a really sincere piece of advice as an offering or gift 

To have the knight of pentacles come out to clarify the seven of swords. So the knight of pentacles is that earnest, slow, methodical progress toward something tangible usually. The fact that it's seven of swords could be a couple of different things. Such as slow progress on working on something by yourself, something that's been a bit difficult, or working on it in secret, the fact that it's seven could be that it's tied to a secret or hidden projects being worked on related to BTS. But more it's just a sense of doing some type of work or project but it's being hidden or it's not being revealed yet. I think. I might think something different once I read the other two cards because another negative option would be some type of communication about the work that they do being talked about but related to gossip or secrets. I'm not really getting anything negative from it so let's just keep it in the back of our minds 

The king of cups is clarified by 10 of pentacles. It's almost like the first king with the page of cups feeling. But somebody who is very stable emotionally or it's talking about emotional health because 10 of pentacles can be about physical health. So it's like somebody gave advice to somebody that's very coming from a place of being extremely emotionally mature or is trying to advise somebody on how to get to that place of feeling more solid emotionally 

Again it could also be related to making money off of creativity. Being not productive but someone who definitely makes money off of creative ventures, and not just that you can tell it's a creative field that involves communication and feelings which just brings it back to music for me 

The final card the hierophant, this is 10 of swords and nine of cups. I talked about this and I just think there's a cycle that will come to an end, it could be a belief, or it could even be that okay again I'm getting that somebody gave him advice or I mean he could be the one giving advice but I just get the sense somebody received advice right and it helped to end worries about something related to a future goal 

I'm still kind of confused about the seven of swords so I'm going to clarify again. You know this is the Taurus card it can also be related to financial things or domestic things. But I think they're all tied into one The idea of people who work in a creative industry that is also run by like money and business methods. And the people who are involved in that industry. I don't think this is something that usually comes up when you are serving or even with his cards since he's been serving so it definitely feels triggered by somebody that he was talking to recently. Whether that is J-Hope or another member or anybody else in the industry that he could have spoken with about a project. I'm not getting the sense that it's Jimin.

We know that they're serving together but I'm not really getting that they had this intense conversation about it maybe he was a part of it but I feel like somebody older came in and spoke to him and gave him hope. And the only person that makes sense to me would be j-hope if he was there because he's so close to the end of his service that he would be talking about the goals and things he wants to do and also giving advice to them about what it's going to be like for the next 9 months or whatever you know to get through it. And I think that conversation gave JK and anybody else that would have been there some hope because maybe they had some worries. So it feels like a very hopeful conversation. 

A very intellectual, mature, productive, logical, realistic conversation. Like as if J-Hope let's just say as an example he was able to visit them and hang out then just a voice of grounding and caring and empathizing but still a very mature I've been there and done that and this is how you deal with it. 

I could probably literally flip a card and ask you know who was hanging around and if the star card comes out we can all piss ourselves

Lol I s*** you not I'll show you 

Yes you could probably say something like somebody he's really close to oh probably an Aquarius oh somebody he works and collaborates with lol 

The star card is also affiliated with dreams and hopes and communication. So again we know that it's somebody that he has a close connection to and they were talking about something that they want to build a future goal etc 

Well if the cards are going to be super accurate today then I'm going to ask for another clarification card on the seven of swords. Also if this were to be about a romantic relationship which how would he even have time but it definitely about further building an intimate relationship together, and talking about their plans for the future. You could definitely read it that way, I'm interpreting it as work based on the other cards but there's also a lot of room for feelings and romance. But I just see this more as a conversation about people's dreams and what they can build for the future related to creative action and business 

But I guess you could also be talking about other relationships in the life related to that and intertwined into all of that as well and that would account for the secrets. You know stuff that we don't really need to know about because it's related to their personal lives 

I clarified the seven of swords and got 10 of swords and back of deck returned to Knight of cups and the fool

That's interesting because well we saw the ten of swords before so there is something difficult that is taking a while to cycle out and of course this can be military service 

I mean it's just a weird combination of things so it could also be something that somebody has been working on for a long time or working through for a long time, there's a sense of guilt or bitterness, it seems to be connected to the hierophant issues as well since we saw the ten of swords there too. 

I want to say I'm feeling like a four of pentacles vibe like holding on to something but that's not quite right. 

If I had to take a guess it just feels like a sigh of relief because this feels like something somebody was holding on to that was kind of eating them up on the inside or worrying them and it was impeding progress toward something. That or like somebody was making slow progress and it was painful but the reason why it was slow progress feels more like there are exterior things happening. Like those blocks. Like paperwork or legalities. But I guess I just don't know what it is because maybe it's really specific 

It doesn't feel like an emotional hang up like an eight of swords. It feels like a frustration. Like you know if you go to the DMV in the US and they want 80 million different documentation things to get through this. There's a sense of obligation and procedure here. But I think that was a topic of a conversation and somebody with mature experienced advice came in and said well this is how you deal with it or you just have to get through this and then you can focus on this but this is just something you have to do for now. 

It's funny because I keep getting these moments of the feeling and want to describe a situation or example. But I just hear JK sighing and like this keeps coming up and it's getting in the way of this. But it's not something long like the entirety of service it's something specific. Like I keep trying to apply for this thing but then they come back and they say on top of that I need to submit this other thing. So it's like weird but this person is very persistent. He's not giving up on it because it's difficult. It's just annoying 

It could even be something as simple as let's say you're working on a project, and you mostly know what you're doing with it but then you keep getting caught on one part of it. Say you're recording a song. And there's this one part of the song and you just can't get your voice right or you just can't get the right music together at that part. And you keep going back to it like day in and day out to try to fix it. Almost you know what it feels like lol this is exactly what I'm feeling like when you edit a video. It's a very tedious experience where you have to like stop and redo and look at it and then go over this 

I wonder if that's maybe the creative gift that's being given. Like somebody is editing a video. And then somebody gave advice on how to edit that video or they're talking through something like that. I can't think of anything else that would be as frustrating but you just have to like go through the process 

So I guess if I had to take a random guess anything related back to somebody creating a creative gift for somebody. It would be an edited video of something lol whether it's a music video or a travel video but or like GCF style things. So yeah it feels like a video project somebody's working on together. Could it be a song sure? But there's a level of technology involved. That of course could be about recording song but to me I'm really strongly feeling editing a video frustration. I used to edit AMVs when I was really young so I remember what that was like or even trying to put together social media videos. I it's interesting that the star comes out I'm just telling you. There could be something happening now in Aquarius but it makes me wonder if related to the edited video it's J-Hope. Although maybe it's being cheeky and like well you used a photo from jhopes Instagram 

It could even be that that little picture is going to be part of a video or was part of a video that somebody edited. For example hear me out whether it was J-Hope or Jimin because we know at least two of those people were there or were aware of what was going on for JK's birthday. Somebody edited a video and sent it to j Hope and then he kind of took that clip out of it. I'm just saying 

If it is something that's not personal and actually coming out, the only timing here that I see is related to next April or early May during taurus season. That timing came out twice, so did Aquarius. Because it's the star and I relate that back to online communication this could be another travel log or travel situation 

Maybe J-Hope was like I also want something like are you sure. It seems like when the members come out of military service they're going to produce their own show type content 

So maybe they shared advice on how that works. So my prediction would be something like maybe something related to J-Hope in terms of creative content will come out around Aquarius to Taurus season give or take. It would likely be a music video or a vlog. And JK might have given advice on editing or just a conversation that they had. 

I am very positive that this was J-Hope but I could be biased because I know he posted. But the two of cups and this three of pentacles together that came out with the star. There is such affection here that it's just like gross lol 

This is exactly how I would imagine any of the younger members to feel about J-Hope. It's just like complete admiration and trusts and optimism even but like very business-like. I'm not surprised because this is also how I feel about J-Hope 

So overall yeah I mean I think if he talked to or met with any of the members over his birthday, they had a pretty intense or serious or productive conversation about an upcoming project related to music and or editing a video or a travel series or whatever. It feels very focused. Sometimes I get his cards and he's all like play play let's have a good time and live in the moment but this feels very focused on work and producing something that also has a creative element. There was some advice exchanged in the conversation, very level-headed, very experienced in this type of thing. There's also a feeling of newness as in if it's a music video or an album there's a really interesting and modern concept which is something I also associate with J-Hope. Like his last album to me had music I had never even heard of so he's very innovative in the sounds that he comes up with or the looks so I am pretty sure this would be a project that he's working on. I don't think it's possible for him to collab on a song with JK by then but that doesn't mean that JK didn't help. I don't know if he can even provide his voice for songs in the background but he definitely helped with something in relation to that. Like describing how something should be song or helping with lyrics 

You might find that the project could relate to words like dream or something about the future, being innovative, how something new is being tried, like something completely different 

Very serious birthday topics. Maybe they got drunk afterward but mostly it just feels like people talking shop 

And I imagine if they did talk about work in projects like that that JK would have gotten excited and inspired and thought about his own ideas for a while but mostly overall this just seems to describe a conversation and interaction specifically with in my mind it's absolutely jhope lol 

But could it be somebody else? Sure. Could it not be about J-Hope at all and be about a romantic relationship. That's a possibility but when I look at the three of pentacles and all these pentacles I am relating it more to work relationships very close work relationships. I mean sure you can interpret three of pentacles as building a romantic relationship with somebody like you talk about living together or something. That doesn't really feel like a conversation to be had at this moment in time but sure. I'm not saying that. To me it's sensitive emotionally mature advice that probably relates to creative projects and how to accomplish them. 

The only thing that comes to mind in terms of past projects is on. I know the members seem to really gravitate toward that song and so did fans. And I'm not saying on is particularly innovative or something anybody is trying to recreate but I feel like in that conversation somebody could have gone oh you mean like on. 

That could mean that the project particularly relates to dancing. 

I guess it could even be related to the past where I think Jhope's series came out and he was with that other dancer and they talked. I don't remember when that came out. But anyway so I am getting flashes of a creative project that requires a lot of editing and dancing elements and innovation, maybe colors as well especially blues pinks greens yellows. Like graffiti, fashion 

Anyway that's all I got. If I have my cards, I will try to do a Jimin birthday reading but… lol.

I'll actually be in Busan that day heh

[jemmo]

so i finally watched the utsukushii kare eternal movie properly. yes, i had technically already watched it bc i watched a random version that was uploaded somewhere with the most confusing subtitles, but i wanted to reserve my thoughts until i'd watched it properly with better subs so i was sure i had the gist of what they wanted to say for this final entry to the series. and fair warning, there is nothing unbiased about this; i adored it. i had big, fat tears running down my face by the end and had to curl up into a ball and cry for a while just to grieve the fact that we'll never be back in hira and kiyoi's world again, but i'm ok with that. i think of all the bls ive watched that have gone beyond a single season run, this is the one im the most ok parting from, bc its the show that has put in the best, most thoughtful work to leave these characters in a place where they have grown tremendously and gone through a lot, yet still have so much more ahead, and we are left with the overwhelming feeling of security by the end, that whatever comes, they are now equipped to face it. its a show that had me in the first season, and left me with that lingering feeling that this happy ending cant be it bc we still have so much unaddressed, and of all the bls that have picked up a second season after leaving me with that feeling, this one, above all else, actually had the bravery to confront those deeper, finer points of the dynamic they built, and show that there's still so much work that has to be put in after two people get together. you have to learn what you are as a partnership, how to communicate and how to be heard, and what that looks like, how you match and find balance and understand each other. the second season did that, and the movie managed to run with that vibe whilst giving us a much more thorough idea of what hira and kiyoi are outside of their relationship with each other, and how as a partnership they fit in to the people that surround them. they manage to create such a wonderful supporting cast, and i'd be saying the same if the only new person they introduced was noguchi, bc he is exactly what hira needed in this story and its such a pleasure to see him have this interesting dynamic with someone other that kiyoi, and whats more someone that sees him for all that he is. he gives both support and challenge in equal measure and its incredible. and while this show has always tended to center around hira, what i absolutely love is that at the end, when theyre in the school flashing between the past and the present, i just kept thinking of kiyoi, that cool kid that walked in day one, and we had no idea what was going through his head, we didnt know the profound loneliness and isolation he felt whilst be surrounded and adored constantly, and how finally, in that moment where hira said he liked him, after seeing and knowing every facet of him, that kid got everything he wanted. bc all that he has wanted all along is for the person he likes to like him back. its the most simple, school boy thing to want, and finally he has it.

and what i have always found the most beautiful about this show, and ive found it with other jbls but this one is the one to beat them all, is that its committed to showing love in an un-beautiful way. its kind of ironic, seen as the show is called my beautiful man and is all about beauty, but compared to other bls where the idea of love is smoothed over and made to look nice and pretty and simple, that normal idea of what love is, this show has two people who are madly in love and committed to each other, and never once has the show ever felt the need to make that love look pretty. one guy is insanely obsessive and the other is brash and rude and yet their love is beautiful bc the show takes all the time it can to make you understand that just bc the love is not expressed or communicated in the normal way you expect it to be, it doesnt mean it isnt love. bc love is about understanding and knowing that person more than anyone else and loving that person you find, and this whole film is hira going on a journey to realise that he does in fact love kiyoi bc he wants to know him more than anyone else. and i think its kind of incredible to show that kind of selfish behaviour as something beautiful when its what both people want, bc while hira has always believed his want is selfish, in owning his selfishness, he's showing kiyoi that he has not just that much love for him, but that much self-confidence to own it and commit to it and take it. is just like what hira says to shitara, that you cross the line when impose your wants and opinions and expectations onto someone else. but all that hira wants, he's not imposing that on kiyoi, bc its what he wants too, and thats why such seemingly unhealthy behaviour is actually so healthy and beautiful, bc is the pinacle of understanding mixed with the absolute joy and magic of finding that one person that matches you exactly. hira and kiyoi really are just that dream idea of a relationship that is being made for each other bc theyve worked to make it so, they commit to being fated, and its all wrapped up in the most chaotic dynamic. tldr; this show means more to me than i can say and i had to write a love letter to it one final time.

[cerealmonster15]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

ty for the tag @unpredictable-probabilities! I don't usually do tag things but I'm feeling an exception today and I want to ramble lol let's GO!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Right now, 51! I think i started using ao3 back in college with rvb fic lol. I've since orphaned 2 fics so I guess there wouldve been 53.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

86,956

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, mostly just Twisted Wonderland (and the occasional dndads, I still have a fic in my brain I kinda wanna write for that). Twst was kinda my comeback to wanting to write fics and has been my main inspiration for a lot of things and it's been the most fun i've had writing fics I think, and it's eventually what's gotten me to try to write my first multi chapter fic.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Slip Ups and Lift Ups (Stardew Valley) 444 Kudos 2. A Fishy Intervention (TWST) 354 Kudos 3. Company (TWST) 249 Kudos 4. Security Cauldron (TWST) 248 Kudos [my first twst fic i think? also has some errors in it teehee oopsie] 5. Because I Care (TWST) 234 Kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes!!! I think I didn't used to? Maybe because I felt weird about my own comments changing the comment count and like it was somehow lying lol. but that's silly and i like talking to people and I Need people to Know that i Love Their Comments

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm I do not write much angst, and even when I do it's more hurt/comfort, bc permasads make ME permasad. I think it was my rvb fic "forgotten" - which i always forget was my first fic uploaded to ao3 LOL, back in 2015. ironic that my first wasnt reflective of the tone i usually write for. i don't wanna reread it to check [even tho my fics from back then are WAY shorter] bc im scared to face how i wrote when i was fresh outta hs lol BUT if i remember correctly/based on the summary, it was a doc/donut fic and I think it was about how after doc had disappeared from the future cube or whatever in canon and no one knew he was gone, i wrote a scene of doc getting upset with donut bc Of All People Why Didnt You Notice I Thought I Meant Something To You 😔 kdlsjfkdlsj i think it ended with doc walking off and donut being SAD and idk maybe they broke up, idr if they were 'officially dating' in the context of that fic. but um hashtag docnut for life.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

most all of my fics are happy endings with an exception of like one ^ or two lol. I don't know if i can quantify those!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not to my face if I do lol. I don't think enough people know about me to give a shit if i do stuff they dont like

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope!!!! i dont really like smut personally and it's not the kind of genre i have story ideas for.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't think i've ever done that 🤔

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that I know of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope!

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

girl help i cannot choose. um. well first shout out again to rvb's docnut bc u will always be strong and married in my heart. and in dndads im an oakworthy truther til i die BUT for twst. twst beloved twst i am in that pitfall of i like 50000 different ships. jamiazu is the one i write and draw the most LOL and theyre def a top fave HOWEVER. god. treycater alters my brain chemistry. rookvil marriage real. adeuce beloved fool duo for life. im physically restraining myself from mentioning more KLFJDSKLFJS especially when we get into the multiship/poly web bc god we will be here all day. i can and will be enabled but this post is already long enough GOODBYE!!!!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oooh ok well there was a dndads oakworthy thing I started like last year but pretty soon after I started it, we started seeing more of hermies forbidden other 'true' personality traits and i was like ruh roh this guy keeps pulling a fast one on me, i dont think the direction i had with this fic is fitting anymore. i had barely gotten anywhere with it and it wouldve been short anyway, but i think about what couldve been.... lololol and then for TWST umm. Hehe. Teehee even. Back during nanowrimo I used that as time to start 2 fics: kalim and the great relationship rescue, which is my current multichap fic about kalisil and jamiazu, it’s got about 3 chapters, and I’m still writing it. AND IM STILL GOING TO FINISH THAT ONE!!! but the OTHER one I started during that time and have NOT posted any of it yet was the stuff with my first twst oc, Char, and his place in my big caterella multiverse ideas lol. I’ve posted a bit about that story idea and done a lot of doodles and brianstorming for it, but I fear it would be too intimidatingly ambitious to stick to and I’m not sure writing one concrete fic is the right medium for it 🤔 plus I just don’t think many people would like it much LOL it would be very self indulgent and tapping into my soap opera brain. I feel nervous when I talk about it HAHDBFNTG so I’m not sure I could commit. But I still have what I wrote, and maybe I’ll figure out another way to go with it or maybe I’ll just wake up one day and say WHATEVER and write it anyway lol. I’ve gotten shyer again so we’ll see 🧍

16. What are your writing strengths?

umm. i do not know if it is a strength but i feel more light comedy and dialogue come more 'naturally' to me, but i do not know how well i actually can pull it off LOL also shorter, contained stories. Everything I write is a one shot, and I’m struggling on my recent attempt at a multiple chapter fic BDBFFBFNGD

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

hrhrnrngm more descriptive writing, i find im in the pitfalls of writing TOO MUCH dialogue. and i also feel like when i try to do more serious tone things it comes off as cringe or trying too hard kFDKLSHFLDSJ. no one's said that to me but yknow. fear and whatnot. also ending the story is. Hard. I feel like that’s always a weak part of my fics bc I sit there like WELL I WROTE ALL MY IDEAS HOW DO I WRAP THIS UP…. I worry my endings come off kind of half assed but I do my best lol 😔✌️

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

like are you asking if i would do it? or how i feel when it's done in fics i read? i dunno lol. i could maybe do spanish bc ive studied it a lot but i'd get nervous i think.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

on ao3 it was rvb bu teeeechnically back in my neoseeker forums days i was in there writing like, animal crossing or harvest moon or pokemon stuff. it was very bad bc i was like 10 years old LOL

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

ohoho ummmm. Well I always have fun writing jamiazu and I’ve written a LOT of those lol. I have a soft spot for The Comfort of Familiarity. That’s one of the ones hats taken me the longest to write because I was really trying hard to handle it with care, as it was a less light tone than I typically do and I was trying to explore the characters and their situation in a particular way that I really wanted to come across well with who reads it. It was hard, and I’m not sure I fully got there, but ultimately I did like it quite a a bit. on the flipside, one of my more recent fics and I think now my longest oneshot to date, Blue Raspberry Mango was VERY fun to write lol. That one’s a lot more like what I typically write, silly romcom style lmao. Cater and Idia goofing, characters bickering, friendship, me trying to sneak in as many side ships into the background for funsies, jamiazu is there, it was a good time. And that one started as a prompt suggestion which I feel like often times I end up struggling with and not delivering super well… but this one ran away from me and I had a blast lol. Idikei fixed me 😌✌️

Ty for tagging me! Umm. I am too scared to tag other people 🧍 goodbye jk @officialgleamstar 🫵 You Do It

[sorry if I missed any typos or autocorrect, part of this was on my phone and I always miss SOMETHING lol]

[pharaohbean]

summoning the summer storm

original upload: july 7th 2024 on ao3

summary: ",,I summoned the spring storm and then cried. My heart was wounded. "That's a sign of vanity, you know?" Whatever you say. I already get it, though.

My breaths will surely grow smoky and appear on the things blocking my view. They say that praying to be loved Is a sin. It has such a sweet scent.

Once we drink up the rippling cider, let's say goodbye. We'll say goodbye and if we fall in love again, let's smile together.'' - Shunran, john"

tags: Aoyagi Touya/Azusawa Kohane/Shinonome Akito/Shiraishi An (implied) | Alternative Universe - Fantasy, Written For A Class, Amnesia, POV First Person

warnings: none

author's note: "if you didnt read the tags, i wrote this for an ap lit assignment. could not tell you what it was but! hope you enjoy!"

The wind had already begun to pick up around the four of them when I thought twice about all of this.

Are we really sure this is the best way to go about this? Straight up summoning the summer storm?

There isn’t much of a better way, is there? I looked over to my companion, who had already unsheathed his sword and Inner fire. His olive-painted eyes reflected the fire beginning to crackle under his feet. This is the only clue we’ve got to go off of.

I couldn’t give a proper reply to that, so I simply pulled out my weapon and loaded a few bullets of Inner ice into them. Beside me, I saw Spring pull out her hammer and Inner thunder, and Summer with her staff and Inner wind.

Don’t worry, Winter. Spring and her amber eyes smiled at me; Summer grinned, her golden eyes twinkling. We’ll defeat it together.

I aimed by weapon right where the heart of the storm was gathering; the wind got sharper, threatening to cut into us. And then the storm reached its peak.

The summer storm, the only lead we had in figuring out what happened to us. Four unlikely companions— why was it so unlikely, though? Why do I just assume it would be unlikely? We’re similar to one another, aren’t we? —bound together by a shared goal and a shared mental connection.

The weapon in my hand, the proficiency and familiarity I held it with, and the simple word “winter” upon my lips was all I had. Before I met the others with similar stories of unknown places, unknown origins, and a single season in their memory.

As the storm reared its powerful head, the four of us glanced between each other, one thought resonating in all of our minds and one another’s:

Take down the storm and find the next clue.

The battle was long and arduous. Autumn sustained a number of injuries from diving-head first into the storm— Don’t worry about it, we need to take down the summer storm first —Spring seemed to be plagued by her own fears throughout— I-I’ll be alright! Don’t worry, I can keep going —Summer lost energy as time went on, sapped right out of her— Hah… I’ve got a little more left in me, don’t worry —and I myself could barely hear their voices over the roaring chanting of— I still worry for you, worry for you, worry —

Finally, the storm wavered and collapsed in on itself thanks to a well-timed combined shot of Inner magic—fire, ice, thunder, and wind—from all of us. A glass bottle with a small note inside clunked on the lush grass, rolling around innocently as if it hadn’t been the source of our pain.

Probably because it wasn’t, simply the drop from the boss. But that’s definitely the clue we need.

Autumn, obviously hiding the pain from his numerous cuts and scrapes, grabbed it off of the ground, scowling all the same.

It always feels anticlimactic to fight something and receive something so… pitiful.

Summer laughed, her enthusiastic voice dampened by her sapped energy.

But it’s what we need. The only clue we’ve got.

A single word upon my lips—”winter”—and a similar word upon my teammates’. A unique proficiency in some way, and our powerful Innate magic.

These are all the things we have in common.

But is it? None of us know.

Well, there’s one other thing we all have in common.

No matter what, we’d be by each other’s sides until the very end.

I shuddered, furrowing my brows. Spring, Summer, and Autumn were all watching me. Their eyes, similar colors but not exactly like one another, were unlike my own piercing silver eyes.

That’s not something to think about right now.

No one disagreed. We all shoved the thought of the future from our minds and continued on as is, ignoring the looming end of our journey together. All because of one shared fear, one that rang out unsaid between us:

I’m afraid to see what the future—and past—holds.

[spikeinthepunch]

thinking real hard about that new content in Painful bc i really love it-- while Painful did work well without more blatant explanations on Marty, Lisa, or Brad's past, it also meant there was some stuff I just never learned if i didnt play First at least (and my second play through of Painful brought even MORE clarity to me), and well honestly I just enjoy the deeper explorations of these characters. I already rambled about this content in a 2am post messily but now I am thinking hard about the cycle of abuse- specific to Brad and the general theme of new content in general being about how deeply rooted abuse is, improvement of yourself, letting go of guilt & anger and the importance of love.

in order to better break down the new content and how it adds things to the story i transcribed the new content-- queen's campfire dialog, mad dog's campfire dialog, and two large pieces of dialog from the nightmare scene. parallels! parallels everywhere! I uploaded it as a text file if you want to read it all yourself :)

also this means this post will be long as fuck. there are so many cool things to connect here.

This new content in Painful does a lot to express the years of shit Brad went through that further fed his issues. And while most of this ends up focusing on Marty (which I do thinks its important to not just throw Lisa on screen, her purpose is still as being 'off screen' for effect) it greatly helps Brad's character and the flashback to Lisa and him playing together or their convo before Brad runs away- fantastic addition alongside Buddy's later instance of putting makeup on Brad (made me extra sad)- and it 'humanizes' Lisa more. She existed- she was a sister with a brother and they hung out and had fun and they talked. etc. They existed in the same house and they endured horrible things.

I feel like this new content kind of hammered in the family like... the affect of abusive families. And what Brad has been missing from a normal upbringing, what he's lost after all this time because of abuse, and what he is desperately trying to get out of Buddy. At the end of the fight with flesh-mound Marty (we will be talking about this A LOT), this part especially feels like it reflects Brad's inability to not see Buddy as the redemption he needs, what he feels is the only thing to save him:

But if you stop. …if you do this. It's over. Dead. You know what happens. We can't let her out. She… She's gonna hurt us so bad.

Which also, I think parallels to Lisa too-- honestly. so much of what alludes to Lisa works well for Buddy and vise versa, for obvious reasons.

But the nightmare really just... you really get the feeling for how fucking exhausting it is. Brad is so tired and he's trying so hard. But the thought that says he will be like his father feels deep rooted- its his blood, Marty lives inside him, he can't fight it hard enough.

this next section of the flesh-mound boss fight ending has a clear conflict in his own thoughts. He recognizes it's all so tiring and it needs to be let go. But then it turns into anger at himself. And more likely recalling the tough words of wisdom his father gave him (or his grandpa too)

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it. The guilt is gonna kill you. Why can't you just let go? Be a man. When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything. Puke it up. Then eat it again. Eat like a dog. You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me. It's so fucking easy. And if you never stop… It feels so good.

Fun fact! The "When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything." gets referenced slightly in the new Joyful content, where Brad's friends are trying to recall some words of wisdom which they only recall as "Sometimes you need to just... Eat your heart out. Or something." Which implies Brad likely told them this line to some extent.

Oof. Probably my favorite excerpt from the boss dialog. Consume Everything. Puke it up, eat it again.... You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me... Marty's own behavior comes out here as he encouraged Brad similarly in other scenes. He's the one that's is in fact forcing Brad to get a "taste" of this. (Look back at the 'father' epilogue in Joyful). But he also makes Brad think that this is always all on him- by giving him the responsibility of "this is how men should be", it takes blame off of Marty and puts it on Brad for not "being a man" and thus, repeating these behaviors in a way that is often told to him as justified and as the right way to act.

He is constantly guilted and programed to this behavior in an extreme way by Marty taunting him, belittling and validating his own abusive behavior.

Let me cut over to Mad Dog's campfire scene. Yep! I promise its related (to me).

[cut to here. He is referring to what (seems to be) something his father said.] When I'm ready to die. We fight. You have to beat me. Then you will eat me. A dog in a dog in a dog in a dog. Hellacious. Miserable cycle. Never stop. Make. Us. More. Madness is a small cost. For power greater than love. […] Strength is our family. [Scene pans down the cliffs showing more and more skulls of humans and dogs hiden under ground. the next text appears on screen]: I love you… But I really have to go. [At the bottom of the cliffs, a spider much like the Marty-spiders appears, but with Brad's face instead.]

While this is something Mad Dog is saying as if its something his own father said to him, it seems pretty clear you can see the parallel to Brad. Honestly its way too accurate to ignore lol. the first line is strangely similar to things Marty says in the nightmare fight, and the "Dog in a dog" clearly feels very similar to the "eat like a dog" in that earlier quote i gave. Whats even more weird is the scene is pans through.

(Again not taking away from Mad Dog's own story, just explaining the parallel). The skulls that become more and more in the dirt feel like a metaphor for all the years of abuse, and the cycle of it. Now the Brad-spider? That surprised me.

Taking-

I love you… But I really have to go.

Feels like something related to Buddy. And I think this as well because of the spider at the end. Marty-spiders always felt like they were supposed to show how his effect is always there and you might now know where. His abuse still exists even in the smallest form. For a Brad one to be shown like that- I would read into it as how Brad is still going after Buddy, while his behavior is in fact abusive.

The hardest of it all is the imagery and the use of plural dialog too is that we really get to see how Brad feels like Marty is and always will be a part of him and that's what makes it so hard to change. And considering the above I mentioned, it makes sense.

We can't handle that, Brad. It's too painful. I'm not ready. We'll never be ready! Don't fight blood! Please! I'm fucking scared!

The desperation towards the end fits the idea of letting go of Lisa in the regard that the grief for her is also ruining Brad alongside his need to have Buddy as a way to atone for his behavior towards Dustin in the past, and try to not be like his father. And getting rid of that source is terrifying because it means a lot of scary things to him. The "us" and "we" keeps forcing that feeling that Marty is part of him, and that it really wants Brad to keep holding on because thats who he is. It is what he has been for so so long and he is terrified of letting go of grief because its what remains of Lisa in his head. And that letting go of Buddy would mean he is losing that opportunity to be the father he needs to be in order to prove he isnt like his father. These two reasons to not let go aren't good! They are not ways he should be living and he HAS to let that go.

But hey, thats not all. Let's get through the sad as fuck analysis okay? It'll get better.

As you descend a long rope as child!Brad you start to read a poem of sorts that I can only assume comes from Lisa. This excerpt also pops up in Joyful...

No friends. No brothers. No fathers. No mothers. Just me.

This gets repeated three times. Its weird but it always made me feel uneasy, and I think that is because it kind of focuses on how Lisa ends up being the core. When you apply this to Brad alone, it connects in the way that Lisa is the center of his grief and how that cancels out so much else in his life. Though i want to point out real quick-- it applies to Buddy in an interesting way that fufills their comparisons with the statues you destroy in Joyful. Very cool. And for Lisa it applies very blatantly. (No friends (Berny), No brothers (Brad), No fathers (Marty), No mothers (her own absent mom))

there is a LOT to this poem and you should look at that text post I linked to read it all. So I am just bringing up a one other part.

Deep below. A dark endless sea. A pain slumbers. One we'll never flee. Give me the strength. Let your memories set us free. So that when next we meet. I may grow into a mighty tree. [...] I know this wasn't easy. Thank you. …And Bradley, Good luck.

Oh yes, a step back to the boss dialog here, it's relevant:

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it.

This perfectly reflect points I have made up to this point regarding the way Brad holds onto his grief and even the earliest lines of the boss is trying to show him that. It's interesting that as the very start he's being so forgiving to himself then is devolves into more anger-- but here, once Brad has regressed, Lisa is the one to remind him this. I think its important to recognize how Its not about getting rid of Lisa's memory at all and this poem being spoken from Lisa (assumed) fits that. It isn't easy to recognize or to do this, it takes a whole different kind of strength.

In that text file i transcribed the end conversation between Brad & Lise where Brad says he is going to run away, but I won't be referencing it here... Do read it/watch it though.

If you read this far, good job! Just one more depressing thing though! The actual last thing said in the nightmare is great actually- for story telling. Because of course if this whole dream was trying to show that Brad has let go... well, it would kind of mess up the ending still carrying out with Brad still seeming unchanged.

Bradley, my boy. It's just not that easy. You can't save her. You can't even save yourself. After all… I'm in your veins..

Yes, thats it- thats the last part in the dream, where Brad sees a small flesh-mound Marty in blood. It doesn't ruin the fact Brad had this long ass dream. Its a great look into his mind. And how it entirely loops back. He really just... he really is stuck. You can see how damn hard he tries. But this theme of it being "in your blood" is SO fucking strong and it hurts. Because I think we all know, its not true. You are not fated to become the abuser. But god you can see how hard it truly is to fight what has been beaten into you for so long.

Right.

So looking at the parts where forgiveness are present... This pops up a bit in the new content- from this, too another campfire scene. I think the forgiveness and love sprinkled in is important to notice. A lot of people in Olathe in general are alone and without family. Brad has already been... alone, however. His family situation left him without affection, and an upbringing that left no proper parent to attach to meant he'd already not receive the affection he needed in order to give that to others properly. He had no one, and when he did finally have someone- Dustin- he still never received the love he didn't know he needed because of what was taught to him. And he did it again to Buddy.

This is obvious when you get to the end of the game. When Brad wants buddy to hold him.

And, Queen's dialog with Brad pulls a lot more of that conversation to the surface.

Being held by someone you love is the best feeling in the entire universe. […] These men out here. All this strength. This power. Your respect… you can't take it with you when you die. It wont save you. It doesn't matter how powerful you are. No ideas matter. No experience matters. None of that shit that's consumed you your whole life matters. You're completely naked in the face of death. Its terrifying. Now, a good hug. That matters. Honestly, it ain't gonna change much… dead is dead. But the way i see it. You can die afraid. Lost in your own mind. Haunted by the guilt of all your mistakes. Tormenting nightmares wondering what comes next. Or… you can be in the moment with someone you love. Someone that makes you feel like nothing else matters. Nothing could be more important than feeling each other's warmth and love. No thinking. Just feeling.

Brad's earlier chat included him bringing up how he didnt let Dustin or Buddy get physical affectionate too- theres some earlier chitchat that you may want to see in a video. But honestly the realization of how little affection Brad has received, due to Marty's influence, makes things even more depressing when you see how hard it is to let go.

Everything, everything is tied together. He can't let go. So he cant end the abuse. So he fails to ever change. So he never receives the love he truly wants and needs. By the end of the game, when you have that option to hold him, that new dialog hits even worse. And I don't think it is even to try and sway people into hugging Brad. if anything it kind of just opened up to me why Buddy shouldnt need to hold him. And how it is honestly something so much deeper. His struggle has infected everything he wants in life that he just keeps failing to have.

It depresses him, it discourages him. I can't even find more words to explain how heavy the weight is on someone like Brad after years and years of horrible abuse and never getting the help he so much needed.

[fractalkiss]

fic commentary/notes for the year you thought you were dying.

trying this thing where i do fic commentaries here instead of on dreamwidth since most of my recent dw posts will be private now.

influences:

there was this BL titled "my 40-year-old prostitute" in english or something like that that a mutual from twt recommended. look, it was good. im so fucking serious. the yaoi art was beautiful and sexy and it started out so well with compelling characters. but the translators ceased uploading translations by just chapter 2 in 2020 on [redacted] site. which effectively meant the premise never left me for months and i was so sad.

joke's on me tho all of this really became serious after i wrote tumblr ficlets of 1418 hooker au in response to some fun ask prompts in the summer, which are in my fic tag somewhere.

some quotes from more influences:

"It’s obvious that the range of people who sought out sex for money would change dramatically in a kinder, gentler world. [...] Sex work would also attract stone butches of all genders and sexual orientations—people who want to run the fuck but are not interested in experiencing their own sexual vulnerability and pleasure. Often these people are the most adept at manipulating other people’s experiences. They are more objective about their partners’ fantasies and do not become distracted by their own desires, since their needs to remain remote and in control are already being fulfilled. - pat califa, 1994, 2000

"You. What will you let yourself become for me?" - dorothy allison, her thighs, 1992.

the essay "her thighs" is about lesbian power play and so influential to me. i think dorothy allison is a very powerful writer and i love her poetry.

this is an allison excerpt from jane ward's the tragedy of heterosexuality:

i kept this in mind too while i was writing manuela's short backstory.

the process:

i wanted crazy thangs with the structure. i wanted most of the sexual intimacy to be revealed much later to the reader, after we go through mostly the companionship aspect of the service -- which i realise now is not crazy but a boring approach and would really change the story so i didnt do it.

sex pollen fic done this way is my fave tho. helenish wrote this sga fic called This Gun for Hire with sex amnesia in it where everyone is in denial in the aftermath about the kind of sex that was repeatedly happening. there are other fic examples (can't quite remember or have bookmarked) where the denial and delusion is so completely off the charts with a character in trying to get through the aftermath of the event without a freaky sex trope involved.

so i wondered if i could pull off that kind of blurriness and denial in the structure for a character who KNOWS what is happening but thinks they're still straight and will die straight lmao. but fernando in this story is just jaded, retiring and isn't cripplingly repressive.

the notes from my word tracker doc that i had to do to be able to write long fic. i laugh at this every time:

my projected word count for this was 20k, which was so off lmfao.

i put off getting them to have sexy fun in italy at one point because i didn't know yet what emotional point they needed to get to and what grounds they'd be on then. i wrote a bit of a very different scene to lead up to it, but then scrapped it. and then i wrote the auction night and the morning-after scene. tension and conflict (without having to use miscommunication as the necessary crutch) is always one of my most favorite things to write about so i was so glad i got to this point LOL. the payoff of reaching a compromise and then an emotional release later is so rewarding to me! i love that shit

emotionally i just knew i needed it to be like the mindy nettifee poem i grabbed the fic title from.

figuring out how to write lance in this fic was really hard ngl since i went into the story almost blind. cofi made me realise this blind spot when i showed her an early wip and i was like hold awn.... if i wasn't sending @strulovic broken drafts and doing lanceology consultations with her, i wouldn't have gotten anywhere in the story.

alonso being a divorcee irl is so important to each and every one of my agendas thank god for the gay uncle. i did a lot of google searching to be able to write fernando's approach to sex and relationships outside of the job. i knew what i wanted to take away, like the difficulties with intimacy that former workers have had, and still have after the industry sometimes. fernando scrubbing his hands clean at lance's place after the auction despite not having sex with the auction client, his views on wanting the sex with his ex-wife and other exes to be "acceptable and proper" in contrast to whatever he's done for work, and how the internalised homophobia warps this for him while he tries to play the gentleman with lance in italy (and lance being able to read through him and understand that fernando DOES want to fuck him nasty ‼️ though lance doesn't understand the extent of fernando's issue with it). there are also accounts where sex work gave a worker the experience, space and autonomy they needed to slowly heal from prior traumatic and/or abusive experiences. the research was very interesting.

relied on music A LOT. an honorary ldr song [hears collective groaning] that didn't get included in the fic playlist was Love song. lance was in that passenger seat beside fernando in their sleek '67 restored fiat on the way to umbria wishing and wishing to get railed.

ALMOST FORGOT TO INCLUDE: ferrari to mclaren 2.0 fernando was the print here. he keeps the ferrari depression beard ofc.

truly not an overstatement, i think this fic was what made writing smth as long as this quite enjoyable and bearable for me. dare i say fun! haha