#i think...this is why dissociative identity disorder just makes sense to me. i am purely allegorical about this but somewhere

[hannahchronism]

being a writer who creates original characters like this character who is very angry and injured and scared of the world for all it did to her is me. her brother, who is very old for his years and tired and gentle while also having done horrible things that haunt him, is also me. also they are both their own people whose histories and personal stances don't really reflect any of my past or my ideologies. but also if you cleaved me in two it would look like this duo who is incapable of being independent from each other (because she could not live in the world without him, and he couldn't live with himself if something happened to her (again) and so he has to protect her) and also nothing like that because they aren't me. but i am the little sister who just cannot get it together and also the big brother who is holding it together for them and i am also neither of these people. what's not clicking.

[messyrosedepressy]

Psychic or Psychotic?

Sometimes,

I get this overwhelming feeling 

That I have the ability to become 

Somebody else.  

Somehow,

my mind gets taken over 

by an entirely different person.

Somewhere along the way,

a specific soul enters the control room,

pushes buttons, pulls evers, 

making my body twitch, 

Carrying it to unseen places.

They push strange phrases out of my mouth,  

things that have never once escaped my lips.

Things that I would never dare,

Seemingly out of thin air…

Is my mind so vast

that can create this wide variety of personas?

Or am I just incredibly ill? 

Or perhaps… 

spirits are using my body

To feel alive again?

Easily and without hesitation

One could say that all signs point to;

Mental illness 

Schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, Bipolar disorder… 

Easily one or all three, quite possibly more. 

I learned in an Abnormal Psych class

how truly insane I must be,

when the professor spoke the words 

“Ghosts do not exist.”

You mean to tell me… 

the belief I have had my whole life 

Is it just a made up concept?

And that believing it makes me 

Unwell?

To that degree, all science is constructed the same way. 

Everything comes from a theory.

Theories aren’t absolute truth,

Absolute truth is impossible,

But proven theories are as close to truth

as humans feel they can get. 

If you believe in magic over science 

they can stamp your file with a diagnosis,

Schizoaffective Disorder.

They’ll feed you pills that dull your senses, 

so you can’t even feel your own energy.

What if

the people who have the ability to see magic 

aren’t the crazy ones after all? 

Do scientists definitively know

whether or not there are mystical forces 

 in the universe?

They put zero stock in being able to feel energy or see auras.

“You’re not summoning the spirit of your deceased loved ones in a séance, 

You’re tapping into your deep subconscious, to bring forth the impression of that person.

They can’t actually be there, it’s not scientifically sound.”

Maybe this kind of person just can’t see through their third eye, 

either because their spiritual self is sleeping,

or because they are subconsciously drowning out the ability to see 

because they can’t fathom this reality.

Therefore, they aren’t actually seeing the whole picture.

How do you know my perspective isn’t correct? 

Maybe I’m a celestial being who has taken human form, 

To influence humanity 

To change. 

My mission is to supply them with metaphorical monocles, 

or cause such a ruckus, that the third eye will open from shock. 

Encourage them to lift the veil from their spirits, 

And open the eye they weren’t aware they had.

The world is not black and white

It is full a spectrum of brilliant colors, 

thanks to the light from a giant star,

And the receptors in our eyes and brains that interpret the colors. 

How can you think about scientific concepts like this

and not consider the pure magic in it? 

It is more than I have ever been able to summarize with my words 

Yet here I am, giving it my best shot. 

Bipolar symptoms include:

delusions of grandeur.

Strangers have always depended 

on the kindness of me. 

Though I have come to realize, 

I am a powerful force,

with  the strength to withstand 

the discomfort they leave me with.

And this state of mind- 

This feeling is such a contrast, 

to my natural state

of feeling like an insect. 

Insignificant, easy to step on; 

accidentally of course. 

They never mean to hurt me, 

I understand. 

They just don’t realize where they are letting their foot fall

Before it’s too late. 

Where has all this uplifting, self-generated energy been, 

When I am so low?

When I find myself operating at the weak frequency 

When I long to sink into the earth,

approximately six feet beneath the surface;

like the perpetual wounds in my soul,

so deep and so wide 

they can never heal.

I will continue to bleed,

Until my life force leaves my body. 

Where does my confidence go? 

My sense of self is so radically inconsistent. 

Why don’t I always see myself this way, 

Realize that I am more than just a suicidal soul, 

buried in creative energy, yet lacking in motivation?

It lies dormant within me, 

and has unpredictable eruption patterns.

The power surges through my body, 

Almost to the point of pain, 

and definitely to the point of insanity. 

Is sanity truly achievable? 

I’m not sure I’ve ever considered myself 

To be very sane at all. 

Mostly insane, a fraction of sanity. 

But does that make me

Any less deserving of a good existence 

Than someone with more sanity? 

[stxleslyds]

MORE MOON KNIGHT TALK

So, these past weeks I have been reading every run from Moon Knight that I mentioned in an ask that was sent to me.

I had explained that I had read the most modern books first, from Moon Knight Vol. 7 (Warren Eliis) to the current one Moon Knight Vol. 9 (Jed MacKay) and then when back to read Moon Knight Vol. 5 (Charlie Huston).

Taking that route was helpful to understand the modern version of Moon Knight, or at least to see the start of the character's evolution. Starting with Vol. 7 was a blessing, at that time Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) was the disorder that Marc had officially been diagnosed with so writers didn't have the opportunity to *play around* that.

But it was also misleading in the great scheme of things because as the word evolution suggests, Marc's character had been through massive changes. One of these changes was the personalities/characterizations of Marc's alters (or personalities as referred to back then).

When I caught up with Vol. 9 (the current ongoing Moon Knight solo book) and jumped back to Vol. 5, I didn't realise just how different things had been, Jake and Steven where barely there in volumes 5 and 6 and when Jake appeared he was mostly Moon Knight ( in Vengeance of the Moon Knight). That's why I was so incredibly shocked at these four men's personalities back in the day, back in Moon Knight Vol. 1 (Doug Moench).

Because I am not that good at explaining myself I will just put the pictures here of Doug Moench explaining just who where Marc, Steven and Jake, who they were created to be.

It is fascinating, really, how different they are to the Marc, Steven and Jake from Lemire and Bemis' runs (and those two writers wrote them differently when compared to one another too) and how incredibly different they are to their MCU variants.

Like, between the current comics and the MCU there are enough differences, the most notable being Steven Grant, from billionaire and smooth talker to shy and lovely gift-shoppist. And other similarities like (possibly) Jake Lockley and his fierce need to protect Marc and Steven (like we saw in Lemire and Bemis' runs).

The thing that was half way there was Marc Spector, who is similar to his (modern) comic counterpart but different in the thing that matters the most, his motivation and belief in the Mission, in "protecting the travellers of the night".

But once you compare any of the three (comics and MCU) with their original characterizations one can truly see the massive changes these characters have been put through.

It is just impressive really, mostly when these old runs are so fresh in my mind as well as the show and Lemire and MacKay's runs.

It is all very chaotic which, I think, makes perfect sense because Marc Spector, Steven Grant, Jake Lockley, Moon Knight and Mr. Knight are pure chaos themselves.

Anyway, this is me just rambling about stuff that I find exciting, I don't know, I haven't been able to let go of this Moon Knight phase I am going through and I kinda don't want to let go. This is just a marvellous world!

[eclecticvalor]

7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me. 

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V,  and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception. 

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays. 

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case. 

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof. 

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms. 

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was. 

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways. 

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control. 

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states. 

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria. 

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of:  “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

 7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this. 

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder. 

[relbyshock]

Amy Winehouse, Princess Diana, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Aileen Wuornos, Angelina Jolie, Adolf Hitler, Darrell Hammond, Pete Davidson, Winona Ryder, Vincent Van Gogh, Tommy Tiernan….

What do they all have in common? Apart from being famous figures, they all suffer(ed) or were rumored to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hey, me too.

I’m over the moon to have something in common with Princess Di (apart from our shared plight with bulimia), but I have to say, I’d rather not have anything in common with Aileen or Adolf…..

Borderline Personality Disorder is a confusing term to say the least. On the borderline of what and what? Well, in the ‘30s, it meant you fell somewhere between psychosis (untreatable) and neurosis (treatable).

Great, that’s reassuring.

Come the ‘70s, BPD sufferers were described as being very emotional, needy, difficult, at risk for suicide, and to have an “overall unstable level of functioning”.

Check. *sings “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan*

We also have rapidly fluctuating mood swings, unstable self-image, and a fear of abandonment. This disorder wasn’t even recognized by the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 1980.

Today, we know far more about BPD – “neurosis” is no longer used in the diagnosis, and BPD is no longer considered a psychotic disorder.

 So what are we then?

Crazy?

Hormonal?

According to my family, yes. But in reality, the problem lies within our brains. Let me nerd out here for a minute:

The Amygdala (Ah-mig-dah-lah) is composed of two almond-shaped parts of the brain, deep in the medial temporal lobe, that regulate fear and aggression. People with BPD have amygdala’s that are noticeably smaller than that of a healthy person. The smaller the amygdala, the more overactive it is.

Like short guys with bad attitudes, or what I like to refer to as “little man syndrome”.

And then we have the Hippocampus – no, not pachyderm college. The hippocampus is responsible for spatial orientation (not falling over), long and short-term memory, and emotional regulation. Put simply, the hippocampus chooses the correct response to environmental events: Fight or flight.

You may be wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. The answer is yes – frequently – but the chances of minor brain trauma causing BPD are slim.

The causes of Borderline Personality Disorder are unclear. It seems to involve genetic, brain, environmental and social factors. There are rumours that people with BPD have issues with serotonin production, which has been linked to depression, aggression and having a hard time controlling “destructive urges”.

As for environmental factors, those who have been a victim of emotional/physical/sexual abuse, as well as being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child have a high likelihood of developing BPD. This is because our relationship with our parents and family has a HUGE influence on how we see the world, and how we feel about other people.

Gals are also diagnosed 3 times as often as guys. You’ve gotta wonder if that’s due to the fact that men tend to be more weary of the doctor, therefore avoiding a diagnosis altogether. This is pure speculation.

Shall we take a dive into the “Signs and Symptoms” as listed by Wikipedia?

-Markedly disturbed sense of identity

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions

-Splitting (black and white thinking)

-Impulsivity

-Intense and uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

-Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

-Self-damaging behavior (ie, substance abuse)

-Distorted self-image

-Dissociation

-Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse or rage

We are also aware of the intensity of our negative emotional reactions, and since we can’t regulate them, we shut them down completely. What my doctor and I refer to as feeling “flat”.

BPD sufferers are also extremely sensitive to real or perceived rejection. Let’s explain with a meme, shall we:

*looking at an unanswered text from 12 minutes ago*

You: They must be in the shower or just busy, they’ll respond when they have a chance.

Me: Ok well they were active on Instagram 6 minutes ago and they just posted a snap story….they’re ignoring me, why do they hate me? What did I do? Are they mad at me? Should I send another text to get their attention or is that too needy?

If you’re annoyed just reading that, TRY LIVING IN MY BRAIN.

I annoy myself.

I feel grief, overwhelming shame and humiliation where others would feel mildly embarrassed. A minor inconvenience such as cancelled plans takes me from excited to absolutely miserable.

In the past, an unflattering photo on Facebook has caused me to reevaluate my self-worth, and even my life.

The Sickboy podcast explained it beautifully: Borderline Personality Disorder is like having a third degree burn on your emotions. I feel that. Everything hurts me just a little bit more than the average bear (or human).

Why am I telling you this? Because boys and girls, today is Bell Let’s Talk Day here in Canada. I’ll include the link at the bottom. Basically, in 2010, Bell began a new conversation about Canada’s mental health. They’ve enlisted such figures as Howie Mandel, Michael Landsberg, and Clara Hughes to share their stories of struggle and strength in the face of mental health.

I thought today was as good as any other to address the stigma surrounding mental health, but more specifically, the stigma around BPD.

I can’t pretend to know all the answers – I’m not and won’t pretend to be a psychiatrist. But this is what the world looks like through my lens.

If someone honks at me while I’m driving to work, I’m upset ALL DAY. I never want to drive again, I want to pull over and cry, or turn around and go home.

If I get a moderately rude email, my brain fills with cutting, angry, and just plain mean remarks to respond with. “I’m sorry your father never hugged you as a child” is not a suitable response to a professional email, but that’s where my brain goes.

When I make plans with friends weeks in advance and they bail 10 minutes before, I am a heap of inconsolable sobs for the rest of the evening, and even into the next day. This plays into the fear of “real or imagined abandonment”. My BPD brain does not care that something came up or you’re feeling under the weather. BPD tells me that you hate me and you never want to see me again and you were just pretending to like me this whole time and you’ve finally made your escape. My logical brain tries to tell me that it’s ok, and we’ll plan something for another time, but usually, my BPD brain wins the fight.

When I get nervous and start to ramble trying to tell a story and my mom cuts me off with “Anyways.” I want to crawl in a hole and die, but I also sort of want to throw a plate at her face. My mother is a saint, so why do I feel this way about her sometimes?

Let’s get back to the causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad, Mom, maybe stop reading here…or don’t…but here’s your warning. You aren’t going to like this next part.

I was severely neglected as a child. Not physically – I had food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over my head – but emotionally and mentally. The minor relationship I did have with my father was marked by him coming home from a long shift (as a firefighter) and starting a fight with me about my weight, my shoes at the front door, my marks in school, and more often than not, “why are you always crying?!”. My mom also worked full time at a stressful sales job. So by the time she got home, she didn’t want to have to deal with anyone else’s issues.

So when I would have issues with anything from being bullied at school to just having a ‘bad mental health day’, I had nowhere to turn.

See, my brother and I were latch-key kids. We got home from school at least an hour before my parents got home from work. He and I never got along, so some sort of fight would ensue, and by the time our parents got home, he had made me cry. I was deemed dramatic and sent away to my bedroom, while the 3 of them would eat dinner together (usually something I refused to eat – like meat – which would be another reason to fight).

I’ve voiced this to my mom before, and she remembers my childhood very differently than I do.

As long as I have been alive, I have come second to my brother.

No, honey, we can’t go to (insert activity I wanted to do) because Maxx has hockey/a book report due/needs a ride to the bike track, etc.

Every dinner or event we went to was with HIS friends and THEIR parents, who ended up becoming my parents’ best friends (still to this day). I was always the only girl; so naturally, I stayed with the adults, because the boys wouldn’t have me.

But the adults didn’t want me there either. I felt like a constant annoyance.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I may not have been as unwanted as I perceived myself to be. Remember, BPD brains are sensitive to even slight facial expressions and tones of voice. But, when I voiced this to my parents, that I felt unwanted, and why couldn’t we do things with my friends and their parents, etc. I was told that I was being ridiculous.

Enter: Invalidation

Invalidation is the number one cause of BPD, according to my psychiatrist. Growing up in an environment where nothing you do is good enough will cause you to internalize everything.

I have no memories or examples of healthy emotional behaviour or relationships. In our house, we got the point across by screaming at or just plain ignoring each other. So when I get hurt, or I feel let down, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with my feelings. Further reinforcing my belief that the world is full of bad people who are out to ruin your day and be unkind, because that’s all I’ve ever known.

Research shows that if you already experience these difficulties as a child, experiencing trauma as an adult could make things worse.

Dad - now is really the time to stop reading.

(Sometimes I feel like I live inside the DSM definition of BPD)

At the age of 21 – fresh out of college and trying to start my career in the fashion world – I was sexually assaulted. Cue the downward spiral.

I didn’t report. I didn’t seek help. I confided in a close friend, and was called a liar. But that’s a story for another time.

So I buried that part of me so deep, that sometimes I could convince myself that it never happened. Sometimes.

I reached the end of my rope in 2016. I knew that if I didn’t seek help, I would not survive. I finally went to my doctor and spent hours with her, just sobbing and telling her everything.

She hooked me up with a psychiatrist, and put me in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and started me on an SSRI (anti-depressant) immediately.

As of today, it has been 1172 days since the assault. I only told my mother this past summer.

Since reaching out for help, I have begun to repair the relationship with my parents. My mom and I are closer than ever, and my dad and I are working on it.

As I write this, I feel the judgements pouring in. But I have decided that this year, I don’t care. I am not ashamed of my story. I will no longer hide the things I have been through in order to make others more comfortable. I will not keep my pain to myself because it’s easier for others if I stay silent. If bearing my soul can help even one person seek the help they need, then I have succeeded, and all this pain has been worth it.

The long and short of it is SPEAK UP! There is nothing embarrassing about mental illness. If you aren’t feeling right, there are people who care and are here to help you, including me. The first step is to tell someone.

The best advice I can give is to find your people. People who trust you, who lift you up, who validate your feelings, who listen and take you seriously when you say you’re having a bad day. I have spent the past year painstakingly building my support system, because the truth of the matter is, I can’t do this alone. And that’s ok.

Today and every single day, be kind to each other – it’s the only thing that matters.

https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/bell-lets-talk-day

[dnpstardust]

Asylum

(Bringing this back because Anti is back! Made with my friend Emma, enjoy!)

Name: Sean William McLoughlin

Age: 26

Current Therapist: Dr. William S Jones

Symptoms: Memory loss, Insomnia, Identity Confusion, Blackouts, Depersonalization, Hallucinations, Derealization

Diagnosis: Dissociative Identity Disorder

 Frosty air emanated from the small window, filling the square room with a cold chill. Dr. Jones was with his usual patient, he knew he had to be calm and understanding because of what the patient suffered through. From what the file said, Sean was experiencing dissociative identity disorder. The patient in question was sitting upright on his bed. His arms were constrained by the straight jacket he’d been forced into. His blue eyes were staring at his own reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall with an expression that could only be described as giddy. The expression put Dr Jones on edge, Sean rarely showed that kind of emotion when he was in here.  “You have to answer my questions. You’ve been here for three years. Am I speaking with Sean?” Dr. Jones asked, glancing up from his clipboard.

 “There is no Sean. There is only Anti.” He said, rocking back and forth slowly, shaking his head a little as he spoke,

 “Anti, where is Sean?” Dr. Jones asked, gripping the clipboard tight enough that his knuckles turned white.

 “Sean is not real. There is only Anti.” He repeated in a teasing tone, giggling slightly toward the end. His expression suddenly changed and he looked up at the doctor helplessly.

 “Where did I go?” Sean asked, the rocking stopped, the giddy look faded into Sean’s usual friendly expression.

 “Sean? You’re in your room. You are perfectly safe here.” The doctor said calmly, his grip loosening. He leaned forward eagerly, Sean’s case was by far the most fascinating of all his patient

 “W-Was he here?” Sean asked, he looked terrified at the very thought of Anti’s presence.

 According to Dr Jones’ file, Anti showed up almost three years ago. At first Sean didn’t think anything of the small lapses in his memory or things seemingly moving themselves around the house until one day he blacked out completely. He has no memory of what he did that whole day and he woke up the next morning on the wrong side of the bed and his phone was unlocked. He picked up the phone and saw it was opened on a video of himself.

 He pressed play and the video started off with static, he heard a small manic laugh and then suddenly his face appeared. It was his own face but it didn’t look anything like him, his eyes were pure black, his green hair seemed darker and he had his black gauges in. “I’m here .” The video flashed with static and images of Sean before going black.

 From that day on, things were different in his life. He would get random nosebleeds before blacking out and waking up in a completely different location. Things he thought he knew he forgot, it wasn’t until things were getting violent that he sought help. It started small, waking up with dark stains on his shoes or hands that resembled dried blood. Sean assumed it was just because of his nosebleeds at first. Dr Jones remembered the day Sean told him about her and shuddered.

 It was a month after the Anti appearances started. Sean had blacked out again and this time woken up in the middle of the night in a dark field. There was a wet knife in his hand and a dead girl at his feet. She must’ve been only sixteen years old. Sean panicked and ran, he went back the next evening to find the body still there. He buried the body deep in the forest and checked himself into the nearest mental facility. Dr Jones wasn’t his first therapist. Anti had scared off four other doctors before Dr Jones was handed the file. That was almost a year ago.

 “Yes Sean. Anti was just here.” Dr Jones replied in a soothing tone.

 “What did he say?” Sean asked in a small voice. It was obvious he feared Anti but his curiosity overwrote it.

 “I don’t think you should know…” The Doctor said, looking down at his watch. He hardly ever told Sean the things Anti said, for fear it would upset the man even more. “Well it seems our time is up, I’ll see you at the same time tomorrow, Sean.”

 “But.. you only just got here.” Sean said, more sad than anything, he knew if the doctor left he would be alone.

 “We’ve been talking for an hour Sean.” The doctor explained patiently, he knew how confused Sean could get from time to time. Anti was the opposite, it seemed he always knew what Sean had said or done before his appearance. That was what made the case so interesting, Anti was the only recorded split personality with an awareness of what his other half did. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” With a polite nod the doctor left. The door buzzed and clicked when it shut. Sean was locked in the room once again.

 “We’re...finally alone…” A voice said. Sean jumped and looked around but the room was still empty. He looked at the mirror and his stomach dropped at what he saw. His eyes were pitch black, his hair was no longer the faded green but a darker, more vibrant color. An unsettling grin was spread across his lips and his head was tilted to the side.

 “W-Who are you?” Sean asked, backing into the corner of his bed, his reflection laughed but stayed in the same spot.

 “Don’t you recognize me Sean?” Anti asked, the same unsettling grin on his face,

 “A-Anti?” Sean asked, he was scared but couldn’t keep his eyes away, the reflection laughed wildly, entire body shaking and the mirror cracked around the edges.

 “Hello...old friend….” Anti said softly with a menacing grin. “We’re finally meeting….isn’t that exciting.” He giggled, his hands over his mouth like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t be.

 Sean winced and tried to move backwards but there was no more space on the bed.

 Anti tilted his head and smiled excitedly. “You know...you can’t leave, why are you trying to run away from what’s in your head?”

 “N-No! You’re not real!” Sean yelled, shaking his head frantically.  

 “If I’m not real…” Anti giggled. “Who killed those people?” Sean’s face paled in shock, no it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be.

 “P-People? Y-You killed more than one?!” Sean’s eyes widened as he stared at the monster before him.

 Anti laughed again and held up five fingers. He started listing names and pointing at each finger in turn, his smile growing wider with each name. “Millie George, Brandon McGregor, Angela Penfield, Ted Binion and Lucy Thompson, you met that one.”

 Sean blinked away the memories of the poor girl’s dead form. “W-When did you kill them?!” He asked, his voice shook with fear.

 “Not telling…” Anti teased in a singsongy voice.

 “Why did you do it?” Sean asked, voice cracking.

 “Because it was fun…” Anti responded with another giggle. “I like the sounds they make when I chase them. I like hunting for the next one…. always looking for the perfect victim.” He trailed off, retreating into his own mind. Sean closed his eyes and sighed, he tried his best to stay calm but something felt different, did he agree with him?

 As if he could sense what Sean was thinking Anti suddenly started laughing again. “You feel it too.”

 “No, no, no!” Sean said, shaking his head rather violently. “I’m nothing like you!” He yelled, fighting against the straight jacket.

 Anti giggled, “You can’t deny it…” He sang. “You know what we are. You know what I’m saying is true. Come on, Sean. Life is more fun this way.” His voice was no longer the lilting tone of a madman, it had taken on a softer, more enticing sound.

 Sean stopped resisting and looked back up at  the mirror, “S-So what you’re saying is...is that it’s better to give up?”

 Anti’s serious expression disappeared as suddenly as it had arrived and he was back to the menacing grin and the excited giggle. He nodded enthusiastically at Sean’s words.

 “Yes! This life is better than the one you’ve been living, I can get you out of here.” Anti said, bouncing excitedly in his spot.

 “Out of here to kill more people…” Sean murmured as if he wasn’t aware of his own actions.

 “Why don’t we start with the people who hurt us...the people who ran away when we needed them the most.” Anti suggested slowly, watching to see what Sean’s reaction would be. Sean frowned and wondered who he meant before the images of his previous therapists flashed before his eyes.

 “They were scared of us.” Sean said and Anti shook his head.

 “No, they knew we couldn’t be helped…” Anti hissed dangerously. “Now they’re the ones who need help.”

 “You’re right….” Sean smiled slowly.  Anti grinned and the lights in the room went off, the only light was seeping in through the small window above the bed. When the lights turned back on the reflection in the mirror had changed. Sean knew that it was his own reflection now, Anti was gone...

 Dr. Jones entered Sean’s room, expecting a scene similar to what he’d been met with every day for a year. Sean was usually sitting on his bed in the same spot, staring at a specific place on a wall. But today he was different. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and singing quietly.

 “Good morning!” He said cheerfully when Dr Jones entered the room.

 “Well good morning, Sean, you seem to be feeling better!” Dr. Jones said, barely concealing his shock with a forced smile.

 “Oh, I feel much better!” Sean replied, eyes twinkling happily. Dr. Jones sat there for the whole hour and Sean had answered all the questions he had for him, laughing and cracking jokes from time to time.

 “Sean I’m very impressed with how well you’re doing today. Anti hasn’t appeared once, I think you’re well on the right track to recovery. I might even be able to get that damn jacket off you soon.”

 Sean smiles at Dr Jones and his eyes flick to the mirror. The eyes staring back at him are pure black. “I’d like that doctor…” He said, not taking his eyes away from the mirror, “I’d like that very much.”

[limejuicer1862]

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Jeanette Powers

is the founding editor of Stubborn Mule Press and a poet/painter with seven full length poetry books published, along with numerous gallery exhibitions and online journal publishing credits. They also are a founding member of FountainVerse: KC Small Press Poetry Fest, an annual festival celebrating the indie press poetry world and which has featured international and US based presses over three days each October. Powers has been awarded grants for the poetry fest, as well as for the POP POETRY: #12poetsin12months series which featured 36 KC based poets over three years in collaboration with Spartan Press. Their personal work focuses on feelings, avoiding the political and investigating the internal wonderscape of relationships, family and emotions in a way designed to reach beyond identity while staying fiercely personal. Their newest book, “Sparkler Princess vs Suicidal Phoenix” is available through their website at jeanettepowers.com and you can follow Jeanette at @novel_cliche .

https://stubbornmulepress.com/

https://jeanettepowers.com/

The Interview

1. When and why did you start writing poetry?

I started writing very young. I was reading before even kindergarten and have always been a library brat. It just always felt right to be creative. I think all children probably feel this way, or at least do until they get a device in their hand. I didn’t get a phone till I was 32. Why did I start writing? I figured out that in my imagination, I am completely free. There are no hold barred, no limitations. I thrive in environments like that, and have just never stopped writing.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

Wow, what an amazing question. I guess maybe was my fourth grade teacher, I definitely wrote my first poem in 4th grade. It was about a pegasus that I rode into the moonlight. But I wasn’t taken with poetry until high school when I was reading books from my school library. And I mean I really went through libraries as a kid, but this was the first one where I found the poetry section. I remember finding ee cummings and Sylvia Plath, but the poet that really took my breath away and whose book I stole was James Dickey. I think of that book often still, and here it is again. When I moved to the city after graduating, my education in poetry began in earnest, going to open mics and meeting lots of people who were voracious readers like me. It was a beautiful space in my life to be filled in with the classics and with a lot of the great modern Masters. The last decade though has been much more dedicated to reading living, contemporary poets.

2.1. Why did James Dickey take your breath away?

I suppose he sort of reminded me of my grandfather; the poems make sense, they have a weight of history, they have a certain amount of existential angst without it becoming pained or mewling. There’s also a joy and just a raw humanity. It’s not necessarily the poet that I would pick off my shelf today, but he sure set wheels going in my head.

3. How aware are and were you of the dominating presence of older poets traditional and contemporary?

I guess in some ways I’m not that aware of it then or now. It’s just all about what is relatable or interesting in terms of what I read or collect. I certainly see how, in many ways, older poets have more access to doing poetry because putting books out and touring are both expensive endeavors. I think many of the younger or marginalized poets just don’t have the opportunity to be read and heard due to financial restrictions. Which is why I’m always such a huge fan of the no-fee submissions. Of course it’s difficult for everyone in every way, but I very much feel that if you are going to dedicate yourself to building a press that is inclusive, then not charging fees is essential.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

I have struggled with routines my whole life, always wanting and always being too much of a being made of chaos to make it work. However, what works best most of the time is for me to wake up in the morning and not think of anything else in the world except for my own art, whatever project I’m working on at the time. I can work anywhere from an hour to three or four if I get on a roll. Then I go do my make-money work, read, socialize, drink. Sometimes, though, a project really calls for something special in terms of a routine. For instance, I wrote a novella in 2018 which required me to start writing tipsy and then just get extremely drunk to write. I couldn’t get the rage of the main character any other way. It’s a strange and very intense book. I think of it like character acting. You have to inhabit the space of your novel. Of course, poetry is only inhabiting the space of me, so that is easier to access. And I also love writing alone at bars or coffeeshops. In fact, tomorrow I’m going to a city (three hours from my country home!) just to do that! ha!

5. Method writing! What motivates you to write?

Method writing. Yes. That’s cool. I’m motivated by feelings, the most. I love the idea of the common denominator between people, things that interrupt the binaries of the world, emotion and feeling is a huge one. I’m interested in excavating those deep feelings that mostly go just felt and not put into words. I’m not interested in writing lectures or proselytizing, I’m interested in the dirty, hypocritical, angelic, joyful paradox of self and believe that is what makes us human. I have a natural deep compassion, and what my therapist once described as a penchant for dissociative identity disorder. This makes it easy to write. Also, I’m not afraid of telling the truth of my own stories, in fact, I view my own life as a subject through which I can practice writing. I can see I’m veering between my poetry and my novels a lot here … in some ways they are interchangeable in terms of motivation. I want to recreate a feeling, sometimes the poem is the right vehicle, sometimes a painting, sometimes performance art, sometimes a novel. I do so love when the world of a novel is born in my head, it’s addicting. Of course, you better be addicted because they take so damn long and so much focus to write.

6. What’s your work ethic?

I met a new doctor the other day and after a couple minutes, he looked at me and said “you are very self motivated, aren’t you.” That’s right, I said. I have a mantra, it goes like this: do the job completely with all of your conviction. do not lose focus on the job. do not stop until the job is done. do not stop until the job is right. do not cut a corner. measure twice, cut once. There are many verses to this mantra! I’ve been called the Energizer Bunny, Galadriel’s Light, Perpetual Motion Machine, Force of Nature on the regular, my work ethic is almost a sickness. In fact, being a workaholic is likely a coping mechanism. I’m just lucky I’ve learned to love to fail, that the perfectionist is mostly gone, that the auto-masochist in me retired, and now I mostly work in just a pure state of joy. Creation is the best playground I’ve ever found, you won’t catch me coming in from recess.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

Not much, actually. I’ve always been a forward thinking person, and I’m voracious for what’s new, who’s new, what’s next. I go back and reread very rarely (unless it’s Dune, Neruda, Rilke, Atwood or Szymborska … or the Tao which I read daily). That’s why the indie press circuit fits my character so well, because the writers there are “the little makers of a pre-spice blast” (lol for Dune fans), contemporary writers are on the cusp of the now, their voice is my voice, this experience. It’s intoxicating. Same with painters and music and movies, I want what’s happening this moment (except for Duchamp, who was the greatest artist of all time!). I guess if I really thought about who influences me, it isn’t really another writer at all, it’s the lady pregnant with her fourth kid trying to buy a new car, it’s a tadpole turning into a frog, it’s falling in love, it’s a factory worker in January Toledo who can’t afford to heat his house, it’s how my dog can take so much pain without complaining, it’s how adopted children are really, really wanted. The list goes on and on, other writers, though? Just friends along for the ride, and bless them

7.1. Why go back and reread these authors?

Each of those authors have something distinct that touches me, they each feel like family. I suppose that’s why they stick around. You can’t get rid of family. Neruda for love, Rilke for philosophy, Wislawa for courage, Atwood for bite and range, Dune for religion. And the Tao because it’s the closest to truth I’ve ever found and I’ve searched far and wide. I once even got degrees in physics and math in the pursuit, to no avail.

8. Whom of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

My favorite working poet is Nadia Wolnisty, she has this capacity of turning a metaphor like no one and also just this clearly raging passion and her performances are stunning. Michelle Q. Smith, is my newest favorite, I ran across her book Ariel in Black and was blown away, she had this way of accessing older works and responding to them which is intoxicating. I also love the former poet laureate, Juan Felipe Herrara, his poems are so alive they are literally dancing off the page. George Wallace has that same power. Mike James and Daniel Crocker, both poets you’ve interviewed are spectacular for their honesty and imagination … and humor. I love humor.

9. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

I feel in some ways this is the same question as “how do you become a queer person?” … I just am. Bukowski once said “if it doesn’t come bursting forth, don’t do it.” I would add “find what comes bursting forth for you.” That’s the really difficult thing in the world, finding what you want. Do that, try everything, when it bursts forth, you’ll know that is what you should be doing.

10. Tell me about writing projects you are involved in at the moment.

Thanks so much for taking the time to interview me, Paul! It’s been fun chatting with you. I’m currently working on a screenplay called “Southern White Democrat” which tells the story of a white boy growing up in the Jim Crow south in a wealthy, politically connected family. It’s fascinating and dark. The research exposed so much of the deep trauma of American race relationships that I was unaware of, in fact, that many people are unaware of. It was intense and disappointing and I’m glad to have learned. It makes one want to learn everything, and proves “fake news” has been around a long time. I’m also writing poems as always, but no new plans to put out a book this year. I’ll be touring 2019 on my new and selected from Spartan Press, “Sparkle Princess vs. Suicidal Phoenix”. I’m writing a new novel, my sixth now, and what else … OH. Editing. I need to edit all those novels. It’s way more fun to write them than it is to edit them, ha!

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Jeanette Powers Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[enbyflock2]

“The Music of Maslanka: Dissociation to Re-Association”

CW: body and social dysphoria, struggles with body image, disordered eating

My development as a musician was seriously being affected by not realizing I had dysphoria. I did not care about the audience, experimenting with reeds, playing it like a love song, or resonance. I felt the concept of “playing like myself” was just a socially constructed idea in itself. I was led to question if there was really such thing as authentic performance, and whether or not performance was all just something contrived.

If I were to make a generalization on what my two biggest weaknesses were in playing, it was that my long tones (i.e. values such as half notes and whole notes) were lacking in resonance, and that in fast technical passages, I had a tendency to tense up my fingers and embouchure, playing with poor tone quality and with phrases lacking in direction.

I decided to compete in Concerto and Aria. I was looking through pieces with my saxophone teacher Fred Winkler, and we settled on the first and fourth movements of the Maslanka Concerto. I took a look at movement one, and, of course, it was exclusively composed of long tones and fast technical passages!

I can attest that this Concerto by Maslanka changed my life, in that it helped me discover my trans identity. It helped me realize the power and paradox behind taking dissociative approaches, behaviors, and feelings towards my practicing and lessons to create more authentic associations, pure aesthetics, and emotions within the final product in performance. Emerging myself in dissociative approaches like this organically led me to expressing my gender differently, and then led to huge realizations about my gender identity.

The dissociative approaches method to playing an instrument and performing is found in every facet of this three-dimensional model of “external-internalized-internal” i.e. “environmental-behavioral-aesthetic.” Examples of dissociative practices for external and environmental factors even include something that should seem basic like purchasing reeds or mouthpieces. Although there are typically brands of reeds that are most commonly used for each instrument, you do have to try out a bunch of different reeds within a single box and subjectively analyze which one sounds best for your set-up. It does take a long time to be able to differentiate for yourself what subjectively sounds good to your ears, because you have to keep dissociating yourself with the qualities you didn’t like in your previous setup before, and be able to hear the associations you are aiming to get.

The internalized and behavioral factors are all shifted through how you practice your instrument. The surest way to develop your internalized and behavioral factors in playing music proficiently is all through dissociative means. You have a fast passage that is hard for you? Take one difficult line from the passage. Play it twice as slow. Play it as perfect and ideally as possible at the slow tempo, three times. Speed it up very gradually. Repeat. Once you get to the tempo, awesome. Now take it 10-20 beats above the tempo, so that in performance you will not feel uncomfortable at the original tempo. Now repeat this same process for the other difficult lines. Then piece it all together: slowly at first, then gradually speed it up.

I was left with a huge factor to deal with in working on the Concerto: internal and aesthetic. Fred was really shaking me up inside with the several ideas and associations he was gradually giving me. All the ideas he gave me led me to conclude that I had to play it like a “classical Bach soft rock Whitney Houston vocal style pop song opera aria.” How was I to do this? It’s the same answer for the other two factors: dissociation, then re-association.

What may seem to others as a mere practice room space, I see as a place that is simultaneously reflective and refractive of the social world around me. Thus, when I really focus in on changing my musicality through shifting any of these three dimensions through this meditative practice of “dissociation, re-association, re-evaluation,” I am shifting the dimensions in my everyday social settings by the same means. This shifting, as well as this pushing and pulling tension between the practicing space and the outside world, is what has created and stabilized my character, identity, and sense of self.

The dissociations I started doing for this piece became radical, both inside and outside of the practice room. I eventually realized I’ve been having dysphoria all my life. So I threw on a dress, and the journey of endless questioning and realizations began. As I continued to grow with the piece, I started to realize exactly what my problem was. Since I had left my dysphoria unchecked for so many years, I had been associating the long, expressive, vibrato tones with playing like a woman and the fast, flashy, virtuosic passages as playing like a man. Why was this problematic? It was mostly because I would focus so strongly on the expressions of images of one or a few women in long tone passages and one or a few men in virtuosic passages, instead of focusing on pure identities. Thus, I would think of stereotypical expressions of women in my long tone passages, and would think passive, frail, unsupported, and flighty, inconsistent feelings. This created weak breath support and poor tone quality. I would think of stereotypical expressions of men in my virtuosic passages, and would think tight, strong, competitive, and brash. This created tension in my hands and a poor embouchure. This was also problematic because these expressions are not what define being a man and a woman, and the views were plain sexist.

It was also a problem in that long, expressive, vibrato tones doesn’t mean playing in the identities of women, and fast, flashy, virtuosic passages doesn’t mean playing in the identities of men. These were ideas I had to completely dissociate myself from, and beginning to switch up my fashion presentation helped me to do this. Of course, I way overdid it with buying women’s clothes and trying new make-up, and I was basically doing the same thing as anyone approaching playing music for the first time: trying to understand my identity from first dissociating myself from typical expressions, then taking subjective critical analysis from that point forward to have my identity guide my expressions. In the case of someone approaching music for the first time, the dissociation is simply moving from not playing music to trying to play music. In my gender exploration, the dissociation is dressing like a man to dressing like a woman.

I am lucky to be able to have another outlet to be performative in, and because of this outlet I felt so much subjective critical analysis going on in such little time over my gender identity and life experience, with so many memories, realization, and re-associations coming in a whirlwind.

Sometimes, it was frightening and horrifying to look at. The memories of fear using the bathroom at school, and how it caused painful digestive problems. The obscure diagnosis of a learning disorder based in cognitive dissonance, and the test for autism that came up negative. Being overweight because I was depressed, anxious, and trying to eat like a man. Under eating because of jealousy towards thin women’s bodies in media and trying to alleviate digestive problems. Masturbation rooted in dysphoria and paranoia, and seldom ever out pleasure. Mostly out of fear of the homophobic, transphobic environment of my hometown, and excusing myself every time for watching pornography because “Christian sex education” said men are naturally more sex-driven than women. The feelings that keeping testosterone off of me would make me more functional in that environment. The many moments it was of comfort for me to tuck, and the moments of make belief in a woman’s body that seemed comforting.

Sometimes, it was matter-of-fact and disciplinary. Learning how to find more order to my eating patterns, because I needed to work out of those toxic behaviors. Finding how to enjoy my queer sensuality and sexuality. Finding no emotional attachment to the clothes I’m wearing, and letting that guide me towards being assured I can wear any fabric I want.

Then, sometimes it was stunningly beautiful to look at. Music pointing me in the direction to love my body and weight, because I knew physical health was important for playing a wind instrument. Music allowing me to be perceived as any, all, or no genders. The many activities I was pushed around in as a kid, but sticking with music partially because it was the only activity I could pass in as a man. Though I’m not a man, I’m always touched by the utter sensitivity and flexibility of gender perception with the cis men I work with in music. I never felt that different from those men because we are channeling all those many influences in our performances. I just have different ways to dissociate and re-associate within my everyday life that the cis men do. I just have a different story: I am non-binary transgender, I experience dysphoria, and music is the space in which I have reclaimed my relationship towards my body.

As these moments washed over me, I finally felt the magic happening in my playing. I started letting the identities, stories, pure images, and pure sounds of influences inform my more advanced and nuanced expressions of sound in the music.

When I performed in the Concerto and Aria competition and became one of the winners, I felt something beautiful in that performance: just me, and a saxophone, comfortable in my own body, clothes, make-up, pronouns, and identity, seeing just a self-image of myself in my head, with a pure “auditory image” to go along with it. And it’s a stable self-image and voice I’m finally feeling arising in many other situations outside of the world of music. When I performed the Maslanka Concerto with the Wind Ensemble in February, I reached a level of connection with people that I’ve been dreaming of my entire life.