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messyrosedepressy · 1 year

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A Ghost in Broad Daylight

I’ve secretly been longing

for the sensation

of sunlight on my skin,

right before a swim

In a cool ocean

To calm down the notion

Of this heated emotion

It's taking over me

Making all of me

Want you to be holding me

But I’ll never tell me;

All I want is to feel

Your sunlight on my skin

Warm my cold heart again

Blood rushing through every vein

Driving me absolutely insane

I’m just too crazy

and far too lazy

To crawl out of this cave

The outside world to brave

Though it is what I truly crave

Instead, I tell myself, "behave".

"Stay behind,

You don’t belong-

You’re not a human being.

And you know before long

he'll start to find

there's too much wrong

with you"

And I don’t want to,

but I can feel

the casual brush off

the silent "fuck off"

This haunting can't go on.

Even if you won't let on,

and act like nothing is wrong-

Like I’m not writing a song

To set you free,

and just let you be.

You have unfinished business.

I don’t have to be an eye witness

to know something has changed.

The fixtures in this house have been rearranged,

And sure- maybe I'm deranged

to think it's much safer for us be estranged.

Burn the herbs to cleanse

Breathe deep and just pretend

You aren't feeling like this is the end

and the sunlight is scorching your skin

I’ve secretly been longing...

To tell you I’m not the fragile flower

You think I might be

I have a certain unstoppable power

Now just watch me

Take down every demon within

Carry on go forth and begin

Anew adventure awaits

Let’s go

I've let go.

Goodbye, my Ghost.

#poetry #self awareness #healing #rejection #facing fears #im okay #ghosting #lyrical journaling

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messyrosedepressy · 1 year

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Psychic or Psychotic?

Sometimes,

I get this overwhelming feeling

That I have the ability to become

Somebody else.

Somehow,

my mind gets taken over

by an entirely different person.

Somewhere along the way,

a specific soul enters the control room,

pushes buttons, pulls evers,

making my body twitch,

Carrying it to unseen places.

They push strange phrases out of my mouth,

things that have never once escaped my lips.

Things that I would never dare,

Seemingly out of thin air…

Is my mind so vast

that can create this wide variety of personas?

Or am I just incredibly ill?

Or perhaps…

spirits are using my body

To feel alive again?

Easily and without hesitation

One could say that all signs point to;

Mental illness

Schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, Bipolar disorder…

Easily one or all three, quite possibly more.

I learned in an Abnormal Psych class

how truly insane I must be,

when the professor spoke the words

“Ghosts do not exist.”

You mean to tell me…

the belief I have had my whole life

Is it just a made up concept?

And that believing it makes me

Unwell?

To that degree, all science is constructed the same way.

Everything comes from a theory.

Theories aren’t absolute truth,

Absolute truth is impossible,

But proven theories are as close to truth

as humans feel they can get.

If you believe in magic over science

they can stamp your file with a diagnosis,

Schizoaffective Disorder.

They’ll feed you pills that dull your senses,

so you can’t even feel your own energy.

What if

the people who have the ability to see magic

aren’t the crazy ones after all?

Do scientists definitively know

whether or not there are mystical forces

in the universe?

They put zero stock in being able to feel energy or see auras.

“You’re not summoning the spirit of your deceased loved ones in a séance,

You’re tapping into your deep subconscious, to bring forth the impression of that person.

They can’t actually be there, it’s not scientifically sound.”

Maybe this kind of person just can’t see through their third eye,

either because their spiritual self is sleeping,

or because they are subconsciously drowning out the ability to see

because they can’t fathom this reality.

Therefore, they aren’t actually seeing the whole picture.

How do you know my perspective isn’t correct?

Maybe I’m a celestial being who has taken human form,

To influence humanity

To change.

My mission is to supply them with metaphorical monocles,

or cause such a ruckus, that the third eye will open from shock.

Encourage them to lift the veil from their spirits,

And open the eye they weren’t aware they had.

The world is not black and white

It is full a spectrum of brilliant colors,

thanks to the light from a giant star,

And the receptors in our eyes and brains that interpret the colors.

How can you think about scientific concepts like this

and not consider the pure magic in it?

It is more than I have ever been able to summarize with my words

Yet here I am, giving it my best shot.

Bipolar symptoms include:

delusions of grandeur.

Strangers have always depended

on the kindness of me.

Though I have come to realize,

I am a powerful force,

with the strength to withstand

the discomfort they leave me with.

And this state of mind-

This feeling is such a contrast,

to my natural state

of feeling like an insect.

Insignificant, easy to step on;

accidentally of course.

They never mean to hurt me,

I understand.

They just don’t realize where they are letting their foot fall

Before it’s too late.

Where has all this uplifting, self-generated energy been,

When I am so low?

When I find myself operating at the weak frequency

When I long to sink into the earth,

approximately six feet beneath the surface;

like the perpetual wounds in my soul,

so deep and so wide

they can never heal.

I will continue to bleed,

Until my life force leaves my body.

Where does my confidence go?

My sense of self is so radically inconsistent.

Why don’t I always see myself this way,

Realize that I am more than just a suicidal soul,

buried in creative energy, yet lacking in motivation?

It lies dormant within me,

and has unpredictable eruption patterns.

The power surges through my body,

Almost to the point of pain,

and definitely to the point of insanity.

Is sanity truly achievable?

I’m not sure I’ve ever considered myself

To be very sane at all.

Mostly insane, a fraction of sanity.

But does that make me

Any less deserving of a good existence

Than someone with more sanity?

#poetry #spirituality #psychology #art #beauty #science and magic #mental illness #poetry journal

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messyrosedepressy · 1 year

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The Path to Self Love

Imagine for a moment that you are traveling down a path,

And by your side is somebody that you’ve come to see as a companion;

Someone to share a journey with.

The path is peaceful.

You can’t help but smile.

And to you, their smile is so bright, it can shine through the cloudiest days-

illuminating and warming your soul.

Everything feels nice.

Then, for some reason,

they stick their foot out in front of yours,

causing you to lose your balance.

Your body is sent flying, and then

crashing to the ground.

Gravel and dirt dig deep into the skin of your palms.

Pavement scrapes off layers of your knees and shins.

Even though the sound of you falling is loud,

and your cries are clear

your companion continues on,

Without so much as a glance at your fallen form.

You convince yourself that they must not or seen,

or somehow heard -

Or they surely would have stopped to help.

So you push through the pain,

Get back on your feet,

brush yourself off,

and catch up to them.

You try calling their name,

but they still don’t seem to hear you.

When you’ve finally closed the distance,

you reach out and touch their arm,

and their head quickly jerks in your direction,

as if you’ve startled them-

as if they forgot you were even there.

Dark eyes and the absence of the smile you’ve come to love so much.

Unrecognizable.

They finally stop in their tracks,

and turn to face you,

flames of anger burning in their aura.

You confidently confront them,

ask if they were aware that they caused you to fall,

Leaving you behind,

and in so much pain.

They laugh

And say “you don’t know pain”

You stand there for a moment,

stunned as they walk away.

Carelessly, callously leaving you behind

Again.

And only because it’s familiar,

you follow them...

Again.

But this time, you begin to watch your step,

your mind becomes a world

of woeful whispers;

Wondering why

the weather had to change

to increase the journey’s difficulty

so drastically?

You continually voice your concerns.

But the demons growl so loudly,

that you are unable to hear your own thoughts.

Refusing to listen, they hurl daggers of insult,

Shoot arrows of actions unaligned with their speech-

And you find yourself bleeding

Again.

They say they didn’t intend to neglect you,

abuse you,

use you-

and you are left there with your own thoughts,

Again-

But this time your mind is screaming,

“It should not be this difficult

to be kind

to me.”

They finally appear to soften,

and you continue the journey in silence.

Maybe your words finally registered,

and there is hope for this journey.

Even though it has been stormy,

maybe the sun can bless us again.

Your companion catches the sight

of another person coming from the opposite direction.

They redirect your attention,

placing a cloth over your eyes

convincing you that

“it’s a surprise”

Your gut tells you that it is a ruse,

yet you still hesitate to uncover your eyes,

parts of you knowing what will be before you.

When you do,

your suspicions are confirmed.

Your “favorite” person,

treating somebody else with the gentleness

you wished they would save for you.

They are smiling -

that same smile that made you fall so many times.

You take in the scene,

and realize they’ve left you behind

Again.

You are confused,

only because they had said

countless times

that it would never happen.

They said

that they you they only wanted to be with you-

But you realize

they are constantly leaving your side

for another’s attention,

even if it’s only brief.

You let out a battle cry

Throwing everything-

Your cup, your sword, your wand,

all of your coins,

and the beautiful blindfold

that they bestowed upon you.

Anything that meant anything

lies at their unfaithful feet.

Rage rouses the scorned warrior

who has been sweetly slumbering.

The traitor feels your fiery heat,

They crawl to you on their knees

Begging for mercy,

They pull out every defensive card

that they have in their deck-

"It meant nothing”

“It was just a joke”

“At least it didn’t go further”

You scoff at these.... words,

for they are nothing more than that.

And because you are both are well aware

that you opened your eyes

before they had the chance

to take it to the next level of betrayal

You foolishly choose to forgive,

and your subconscious will never

let you forget.

You must constantly check in

hypervigilant

to whenever they require attention

so that they can freely

Share with you

Their secrets, contentment,

deep rooted sadness...

You are doing everything

to keep them by your side-

compulsively questioning:

whether their dreams have changed

if you are no longer in them

if they want a different journey

And if that is the case,

you plead with them,

To let you go.

They look into your eyes, and smile.

Every doubt disappears.

They say they love traveling with you,

and it’s all they want to do

for the rest of their life.

You forget what made you upset,

and choose to continue the journey-

making the most of everything.

Every dull pit stop is a burst of joy.

Rejuvenation,

a change of scenery.

Something more than just walking down the same barren path for miles and miles.

On one of your errands,

your companion leaves your side

in search of something they need.

So you just sit in solitude,

searching for small comforts,

crumbs of inspiration,

or motivation

to continue.

You find yourself in a corner,

When a stranger

shrouded in darkness

begins closing in on you.

They want something from you,

and they don’t care what they have to do to get it.

You freeze, your eyes dart around the area,

every catastrophic scenario flashes in your minds eye,

assessing your situation.

You think to tell them

that someone is going to be by your side any minute-

Someone to scare them off...

But you realize

You don’t know when they will return,

if they’ve found someone else to spend time with,

or if they’d even hear you scream.

So instead you awaken that sleeping soldier in your soul

And you stand tall,

And tell this stranger

that they should NOT

mess with you.

They surely do NOT want

to feel the fire

of this amazing creature

who has

Faced so many hardships

Fought so many battles

They truly do NOT want to know

what you are capable of.

Because the truth is:

You KNOW

that you have always been a fighter,

just as much as you have been a lover.

You KNOW

that if you got yourself into a situation

you would claw your way out if necessary.

You would kick

and scream

and grab someone by the balls

if they have their hands at your throat.

With that small thought,

the memory comes back

the trauma veil is lifted.

You remember that one night

when you were both stopped for a rest.

Your companion made you upset,

and you tried to [physically separate yourself,

but they forced you to the ground,

had your life in their hands-

and even though you’ve previously welcomed the grim reapers invitation,

You don’t want to see Death

Again.

Not. This. Time.

They express their pain

And you find the perfect opportunity

to tell them,

“You don’t know MY pain.”

They had driven you to this madness.

You were whole, bright and shiny

before.

Then they took the best pieces of you,

and let the rest of you rust.

Even though you cried to them,

pled with them

to give the pieces back,

so that you can be fully functional-

they refuse.

They need it more than you do,

and you've always agreed with that sentiment.

They have been dragging you behind them

for miles and miles.

It’s been years now,

and you’ve given up on yourself.

Your body is limp from the blows.

Your consciousness is fading.

But then the Beast awakens

Again.

You dig your heels into the ground,

and pull your arm away from their grip.

They turn to you, once more

sadness in their eyes.

They are begging you

to keep traveling with them -

through this hell.

Even if you get punched, punished, purloined, penetrated-

It's now plain to see you’ve been drinking poison.

You respond by showing your teeth.

You are not weak anymore.

They should fear your wrath,

Because you now know your worth.

You are a magnificent being

Full of divine energy and wisdom

You are not perfect,

but you are strong,

and kind.

You will be that person

that you have always wanted to be,

since you were a small sad child.

The person you have failed to be

because you were caring for others.

You can do it now

You are free to walk your own path

So turn around now,

And walk the other way.

Even if they call out to you-

Your journey is your own now

And you are whole again.

#healing #trauma #abuse survivor #self love #poetry #freedom from abuse

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