#i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[marauders-fandom-confessions]

Lately I feel a bit conflicted about the whole 'fuck jkr' mantra that has taken hold of the fandom. On one hand, I think it is generally well-intentioned (and I agree, fuck her), but on the other, I think for many people it's just a way to absolve themselves from ever having to grapple with the actual issue. For example, I've seen many people with 'fuck jkr' in their bio reblog or even write quite transphobic takes, or follow blogs that are openly and undeniably transmisogynistic. It's probably not on purpose most of the time but given the fandom we're in and the kind of people it attracts, I believe we have a responsibility to try and identify that sort of rhetoric. At least if we are trying to make trans people feel included and safe here, as I believe was the whole point of the 'fuck jkr' thing in the first place?

…

[adolfusraptor1985]

I was going to send this as an anon but I want to learn to be open about my curiosities and felt this was a good start.

How did you know you were therian? What was the realization moment that told you?

And did you ever feel a sense of imposter syndrome? Not in regards to "but I'm not really an animal" type feelings, but more in the "Other therians won't accept I'm therian because X reason" type feelings?

Were you scared, or anxious about making the claim, about being open about the identity?

I'm asking because I've had some feelings, confusing ones, for a fairly long while now and the last year or two have been one discovery after another as I slowly branch into a space where I feel I'm really allowed to explore myself and who I am.

And I don't know if I'm therian or not, I don't know if I have a right to call myself one, if it's my identity or if it's just that I wish being an animal were true of me.

I don't know if I'm therian, or just have wishes, or if it's just a matter of rejecting my self.

I don't know if even having these fears/anxieties/thoughts makes me therian, or means I'm definitely not.

How did you know? How would I know? And what do I need to do to fully understand?

For me, my realization of being a therian came to me similar to how I realized I was trans. I grew up loving animals a lot, more than people at times. I always pictured myself as an animal, almost 24/7. I kept getting older and tried to accept my self-image as an animal was just childish fantasy. I got into the furry fandom as a tween so I could have a more "real" or "mature" way of expressing myself as an animal.

Later on, I found the term therian through the internet. I was extremely hesitant at first to even interact with therian. Pretending to be an animal or animal character was one thing, but to actually believe you are one is another. I thought it was entirely delusional and absurd.

Once I started questioning my gender identity however, I started to gain a better understanding of therianthropy. I began to understand that feeling like an animal was similar to feeling like a different gender. It was an involuntary and integral experience that made someone who they are. I started reflecting on my own past, and how I grew up always feeling like an animal. I realized that being "human" was a shield that I had been hiding behind. That if I just let myself be, well- myself, I would be an animal. Not because I want to be, but because it feels right.

The first year of identifying as a therian was confusing to me. I wanted desperately to fit in and be respected both within and outside of the community. I stuck very strongly to the "I know I'm physically human, it's just a spiritual/psychological identity" sentiment. I convinced myself of a watered-down version of my real identity just so I would be accepted. I was definitely nervous with the idea of calling myself an animal, even if it was only partially.

Now though, I've grown out of that fear. I completely reject identifying as my biological species. Deep down, not being human feels right to me. I openly identify as transspecies and have been considering using the physical nonhuman label. I fall on the really "extremist" end of therianthropy so to speak. The majority of therians don't feel themselves to be an animal or nonhuman to great extent that I do. But I'm okay with that, because for the first time in my life I feel sure and comfortable with my identity.

As far as knowing whether you are a therian or not, I can't do much to help. The one thing you should keep in mind is that there are tons of reasons someone can be a therian. There's not one exact experience that defines it. My advice is to stop thinking about having to be exact. Find whatever feels best or the most comfortable to you.

Every single experience commonly held by therians isn't a requirement you have to meet. But at the same time, having any one of these experiences is enough to call yourself a therian if that feels right. There's no "rule book" on what you need to be a therian. Believing some part of you, in some way, is an animal, is all there is to it. This belief can come from anything, even if it's considered "unusual" in the community.

[gravitywonagain]

Sunshot Band AU - Fire in the Back of My Throat

Wangxian, Wangningxian?

Genderswapped WWX, WN, everybody else is the same — why? Taylor Momsen’s voice and bisexuality reasons; also I don't control my brain at 3am, it does what it wants; also also let ladies scream in metal!!

Sunshot lineup:

Wei Ying: lead vocals, unclean vocals, rhythm guitar, programming

Mianmian: lead guitar, backing vocals -> Replaced by Lan Zhan: lead guitar, keyboards, backing vocals

Wen Ning: bass, backing vocals, screaming, unclean vocals

Jiang Cheng: drums, percussion, backing vocals

Music insp:

The Pretty Reckless (Wei Ying sounds a lot like Taylor Momsen and switches often between rock vocals and classical vocals)

PVRIS

Halocene

Red Handed Denial, CrazyEightyEight (Wen Ning screams like Lauren Babic)

1. Audition:

Starts when Sunshot has to audition a new lead guitarist because Mianmian is leaving to finish out her pregnancy and be a stay at home mom who only occasionally does shows close to home -- it's her dream, we're not judging her about it -- and cannot go on tour.

When Lan Zhan auditions, he plays well, but Wei Ying is skeptical. She was actually hoping for a woman to replace MM and there's something about LZ's stoicism that just irks her or something, so she pushes.

"Yes, well done. Now play us something we haven't heard before."

LZ plays a classical guitar piece, but WY identifies it easily.

LZ plays a guqin piece that he's transposed for guitar, but, again, WY identifies it -- though maybe not as easily.

Finally, LZ plays a personal composition that he hasn't recorded on bandcamp or youtube yet.

WY smiles. "Why didn't you start with an original composition? Save us all the hassle."

"I needed to know you were worth my time, as well." [or something like that]

2. Distant Road (远道) Tour:

LZ steps into MM's role easily. His falsetto is good enough that they don't have to do too much reworking of the vocals for the tour.

On stage, WY, who has always flirted with both WN and MM, flirts with LZ, too. This causes a Public Stir, because what if WY is actually straight and she's just been baiting the audience for attention! Gasp!

WY, who has been openly vocal about being bisexual goes on a media rampage about it. "I've said for years that I go both ways!" [etc.]

She ends up kissing them both on stage while JC remains ever grateful that he's her brother and thus excluded from the nonsense.

Sometime during this tour, there will be at least a WNX threesome, if not a triad formed.

3. Forgetting Envy (忘羡) Album:

Sometime after the tour is over, Sunshot decides to invite LZ to stay in MM's place. They start writing their next album. But LZ brings with him piano skill as well. Now they incorporate keyboard into their sound, as well as LZ's intricate fingering and lower vocal range.

Writing the album is... a mess. But a good one, in the end.

When they perform on stage, there are songs that require keyboard, so LZ (for at least the first song) gives his guitar to WY so she can take over -- because she's also very skilled at intricate fingerings -- and he can play the keyboard. (Mostly because I think it would be really hot if this happened in real life. WY has her own guitar that she'll probably use on other songs and has used in the past when songs req more than two guitars. But like. I want this moment. Whether she steals the guitar while he's still wearing it or whether he lays the strap gently over her neck depends on the vibe of the crowd that night.)

[elysianstars]

Part of being a fan of the Fell Xenologue, is frantically trying to come up with explanations for weird stuff the plot does.

Why do some people confuse both Alears, despite the gender swap? Why does Rafal not seem invested in Ivy's attempt to revive Sombron? What was Sombron actually trying to achieve with his heir/legacy nonsense, and how did Rafal expect to do that properly without understanding it? Why was Nil, the weaker and less useful twin, getting sent off to battlefields without Nel? Why could Alear only sense something strange about Nel's dragonstone, and Zelestia identify that as Sombron's magic, after it was shattered? How did Sombron, the world's worst parent, manage to spot the difference between Nil and Rafal? Why are Nel and Rafal not doing anything during Chapter 21 of the main story, if you have them recruited at that point? When did Gradlon sink during the Xenologue timeline, and if it was after Sombron's first defeat then where were all his surviving offspring hanging out for the next thousand years?

I've got elaborate headcanon answers for the majority of those, which let me sleep at night, but literally every time I replay, more questions manifest to torment me. Here's the latest set.

1. After the battle in Firene, why does nobody ask how the Bracelet of the Brash General came to be awakened with Fell power? Obviously 'Nil' knows, because he did it. Nel suspected the royals were Corrupted, and it would make sense that whatever Fell sibling was responsible for that would have woken the Bracelet at the same time. So she's got a working theory that she'd rather not discuss yet. But neither Alear nor Zelestia suspects that, so why do they never question who's going around messing with these Emblems, without actually stealing them?

2. I always had the strong impression that Nel and 'Nil' ditched their family a long time ago, and were living in Lythos for most of the thousand year peace. But in one of Zelestia's supports with Madeline, she claims the twins didn't appear until Sombron 'showed signs of returning'. Which makes far less sense, since where does that place them for the last several centuries? In a Gradlon which may or may not have been underwater? Surrounded by hostile siblings, who only learned not to openly talk about murdering 'Nil' because Nel slaughtered the last group who did that? Choosing to deal with an atmosphere like that for centuries? Or were they just wandering the world minding their own business, in which case why is that period never referenced, and why bother ever showing up at Lythos? It doesn't give Nel much time to fall in love with Xeno Alear either, when it's said she felt that way for years.

The other possibility – and I've never considered it before, but the Xenologue is SO agonisingly vague with timelines that I suppose it can't be fully discounted – is that Nel and Rafal aren't actually thousand-year-old dragons born during the first war, they're only teenagers born during the second war. But that also doesn't make sense, since it would have necessitated Sombron being around for at least a couple of decades after his return, plus where did the mothers of these brand new children come from? Were they just floating around in possibly-underwater Gradlon, waiting a thousand years to be impregnated while having no ambitions of their own? Or did they get resurrected alongside him in a package deal?

...I really don't think any explanation works, aside from Nel and Rafal being long-term residents of Lythos.

Nel says she cut ties with Sombron during the last war, but you could interpret that as either running away, or openly fighting against him. Sombron, in the flashback that seems to be placed shortly before Xeno Alear kills him, says it had been 'some time' since the twins betrayed him, and that Nil died 'long ago' (yet isn't it the Bracelet of the Three Houses he's shown with, and wasn't that in Divine Dragon hands, so it could be sealed in the Somniel?). Rafal refers to his residence in Lythos as an 'age of lies'. Everything is 'for a time' and 'not long after' without giving numbers, and those phrases become increasingly vague when they're being spoken by individuals who measure their lifespans in thousands of years. We don't even know how long the Divine Dragon has been dead for – months? Years?

'Showed signs of' is another unspecific phrase. You can show signs of something that doesn't actually happen in full until many years later. You can show signs of something you've already been doing for many years in secret. I don't have the energy to compare the JP text and see if there's any differences. Sorry Zelestia, I'm going to have to ignore your single obscure comment as either a mistake by the writing team, or just you being forgetful because you're so old.

Otherwise I'd have to rewrite around 100,000 words of fanfic as not being canon compliant enough, can you imagine the pain of that.

3. In one of Rafal's bond conversations with Emblem Celica, he asks if her warp magic could be used to travel between countries. But isn't that exactly what he does, after showing his true colours in the Xenologue? How else does he transport an unconscious Alear from Elusia to Solm, seal them in the desert ruins, then race all the way back to Elusia in time for Nel to be none the wiser? His later warping has a stronger basis in the game's mechanics (abducting Nel in a way that's similar to an Entrap staff, then blinking over to the Somniel because the previous Divine Dragon must have given him the blessing). But that particular cross-country event? If he can do it regularly, it would also explain how he can rampage around Corrupting the entire world's royals without Nel realising, but hello, where does this power come from? And where does it go, once he's recruited and just has to walk places normally like a loser.

Additionally, I do enjoy when characters say things which are painfully ironic in hindsight. Zelestia saying in an early chapter how it's so fortunate Nel and 'Nil' never lost their other half, and 'Nil' is just like yeah, haha, that sure is great isn't it...

Sadly I will continue to try and deal with Fell Xenologue's problems forever, because it gave us the gift of not one but two hot murderous bisexual dragons acting completely unhinged, and to me that's worth digging through any number of plot holes for.

[obsidiancreates]

"I mean, I can't imagine being able to function at that level while your mom was- you know."

Jules. Jules sweetie. Jules, best girl in Psych. Imagine what must be an aspect of his daily life to be capable of doing so. I know you won't but I am begging you to take that as a clue, a hint, a sign. Please recognize what that means. Please see the spiral before it happens, please please identify the underlaying pain, please recognize that Shawn is always playing pretend and running from himself.

I just- I've been thinking a lot about Shawn's masking lately, maybe because it's my first time watching Psych since I realize I'm most likely Autistic, but it's hitting harder now when his stuff is so clear and Openly Acknowledged but still so overlooked and-and glossed over. Do you think he ever wonders how people don't just see right through him? Do you think he ever feels transparent, and like it's not that no-one else can see, but just they they don't want to? That it'd be inconvenient for them to look too close so they look away?

[mooseyspooky]

Hiya, I love your blog so so much so I wanted to ask some questions I've been curious to know your thoughts on:

1) What do you think about Johnny's sexuality? I know it's a very personal thing from experience and I don't wish to be intrusive but I've always wondered about him as someone who has been in a similar situation with a friend. I recall an interview where, in response to being asked about the possibility of being in love with Moz, he simply stated that he wasn't just because he was in love with Angie. He didn't say "No, because I'm not interested in guys" or anything. Just an interesting one lol.

2. Do you think that Moz's longing for Johnny remained as a simple infatuation rather than there ever being any instance of the two being more than friends? I ask this because I remember reading on Tumblr somewhere that apparently Grant Showbiz claimed they had been sleeping together on tour in 1983 or at least he had suspected it and also I've always had a hunch that there had to be at least one moment where something happened because I get it being awkward anyway but there had to have been something happen between them for them to be so secretive, right?

3. The whole thing with Johnny's wedding seems suspicious to me but I was wondering what you thought about it. The reason I say this is because I've always found it interesting how Joe Moss was very pushy about Johnny marrying a 'strong woman' and that, even if he may not have been thinking about the idea. I wonder if it was partly because Moss wanted to sway Johnny away from Moz/hide something/stop any suspicion from the press. Idk, just rambling lol.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for all these amazing questions! And for your sweet comments!!

1) Johnny's sexuality is on paper assumed to be straight, but I don't believe that in the slightest. Johnny has always given me the impression he was bisexual. He was drawn to and fit in with other queer people from a very early age. His best friend Andrew Berry was gay, some of his other early best mates were queer. Johnny found community among these people and went on to form a band with an openly queer frontman. He encouraged and was excited about Moz writing lyrics about queer experiences and queer sex. Maybe he's the world's biggest ally, but I doubt it. He seems very much like Noel to me, and Clint. Where having wives and girlfriends gives you "straight people privileges" while behind closed doors they're very open about their sexual interest in both men and women. Johnny was very physically affectionate towards Moz, hanging off him, cuddling him, sleeping on his shoulder. He was this way with Bernard, too, and with Issac from Modest Mouse to some degree. He was also very physically affectionate towards Andy.

The one time I can recall Johnny trying to say he was straight he stumbled over the words. It's tagged on my blog somewhere, but it's in the Oxford Union interview from 2019. (Edit: Found it!) Otherwise he's never definitively said one way or the other how he identifies.

Also, these quotes from Johnny in the book The North Will Rise Again:

Like damn, Johnny. Tell me again how straight you are lmao

2) I go back and forth all the time about if Moz and Johnny were actually sexually intimate. I know, this is coming from me. The one active marrissey fanfic writer, but it's hard for me to say. I'd never heard that about Grant Showbiz though. I find him to be generally pretty trustworthy, so that's fascinating if he does think that. Because more than any other time, late 1983 is when I think their relationship could have become more than infatuation. Angie broke up with Johnny for a week or two in December 1983, before they first went to America. Joe Moss also left. They were alone together, there was no band manager around, really. Johnny was filling that role. There was plenty of opportunity. Because of Moz being so reserved, I don't know that they would have gone beyond making out and heavy petting while they were both drunk, but I think even that would lead to Moz' spiraling obsession becoming what we saw by 1987. Songs like Happy Lovers at Last United, Alastian Cousin, Suedehead ('it was a good lay'), You Must Please Remember, Speedway. So many songs suggesting something more happened between them. So to some degree yes, I think they had to have messed around some, though I imagine Johnny tried to back pedal and push Moz away because he feared losing the aforementioned 'straight privileges' that being with Angie had. Having a public and open affair with your frontman would have been a PR nightmare, and while I'm sure Moz didn't care - Johnny would.

3) Joe Moss being pushy about the wedding is also something I haven't heard, but I'm not surprised. Johnny didn't propose to Angie. He just asked her if they should get married, and then they did so the next day, in California. Hundreds of miles from their parents, their siblings, from their home. They didn't have a honeymoon until after Johnny left in June 1987, suggesting Johnny didn't prioritize their marriage. The wedding photographer wanted a lot of money for the wedding photos, and Johnny decided it wasn't worth it (yes, the photographer was scamming him, but surely you'd pay out the nose for your own wedding photos - like. Did he not know a single person to loan him the money? In 1985 he was snorting a mountain of cocaine a day, couldn't he sell some of that and buy them? There had to have been options). Marriage seemed like an afterthought to him. Moz calling Angie a 'sad veiled bride' is also weird. Yes, of course Moz was upset. Johnny didn't choose him, but I Know It's Over is hardly a resentful rant. It's a very honest song. And so that makes me wonder why exactly is Angie unhappy? Because Johnny is doing this out of peer pressure? Because she knows it's something he doesn't really want? I refer to it again and again, but Happy Lovers at Last United also brings this up. Why did Moz have to help repair Angie and Johnny's relationship? Was Johnny unfaithful? Just checked out? Disinterested? This is further compounded by the fact that Johnny was MIA for so much of Nile's and Sonny's childhood. Johnny talks endlessly about how him and Bernard were always together. They spent days in the studio, at times saying they were literally locked in there together. Johnny went on holiday with Bernard, Johnny went on tour with him. More than that, Johnny says he spent several days at a time high on acid or shrooms recording stuff for The The. How did his marriage to Angie survive that? Did his kids get to see him sober when they were growing up? Did they get to see him at all? I don't have definite answers to any of these things, but it's definitely troubling.

[s1ll13rg00s3]

Ok but why is there always a reason. When it's about macro all of a sudden it's oh why should I care about the sob story of some bihettie who couldn't ever live through a day of real homophobia. When it's ppl like inosa or swagy or radgoose or countless others getting told disgusting things like that their bfs should kill them, it's laughed off too and it's like oh go back to your hettie world if you're so mad. When it's about catboy it's like oh why should I care if we make fun of the SA of some moid thats praxis actually. When it was ppl saying bi women are just like tims and they're weaponizing their rape it's oh why can't you bihets learn to read none of that matters. When there was a big burst of a bunch of people getting openly attacked by "blackpills" it was oh this is just so online why are the bihetties playing the victim. These ppl are just coming out to advance the position that they won't go after you no matter what you say about bihets. Like the refusal to condemn anything at all unambiguously is very much the point.

Honestly, I've come to the conclusion that people these days (esp young people) are not any more progressive than other generations... I honestly think their politics and values are possibly more conservative than 10-20 years ago - these are just my feelings as a low income bisexual woman who is pretty white passing but I've had friends of other races (esp older friends in their 30s-40s) talk about how they feel the same thing in regards to how ppl are regarding race now and there's tons of posts circulating about how people are more homophobic than 10-20 years ago and we just lost roe v wade, income disparity is worse and social services are cut, etc etc etc

I feel like people such as you described above are highly individualistic and don't really have principles in the traditional way like "x behavior is bad" like if we use examples specific to the recent state of radblr re: the treatment of bisexual users, they don't think that homophobia and misogyny are unacceptable behaviors, they think its perfectly fine to leverage homophobia and misogyny against groups they see as "other" and don't identity with in some way. There's always a reason why the people I have marked as "other" deserve their mistreatment and why my own actions and the actions of people belonging to the group I identify with are excused from scrutiny.

A lot of the time in spite of how they call themselves "radical" (feminist or leftist or whatever) they express behaviors and ideals which are sooo extremely in line with the cultural norm for treating people of marginalized groups.

Examples relevant to this convo: Gay and bi women talking about how they "don't fuck with" bi women because they are untrustworthy and flaky partners and "most of them are basically straight and will end up with men anyway" so they don't need LGB community support

Also, determining that a woman's intimate relationships overshadow all of her other actions, and feeling entitled to information about a woman's sexuality to determine how valid you think her words are and how much support from her community she deserves.

Also, telling a victim of sexual assault and homphobia his problems arent real and he should be quiet about them.

Also, you can't trust women with partners and especially children to take part in feminism because they're going to by default center their lives around their male partners and children, so they're going to at best half-ass things and probably just decide to focus on their families instead anyway, may as well exclude them and write them off.

But its okay because the women in the first example were gay and bi, even though they're saying the same things straight men say about bi women. The second example is okay because it's statements and demands made by other women a lot of whom are gay and bi, not men or gossip rags. The third example is okay because it's gay/bi women speaking to a man. The last example is okay because it's said by other women who call themselves feminists, and not a sexist boss, even if they have the same way of thinking and similar actions with similar results.

And on one hand I get it, these people are trying to pass along their own hurt a lot of the time and they are usually legitimately telling themselves and each other that they aren't doing anything worse than maybe hurting the feelings of individual strangers. But they're adults who are behaving in unacceptable ways, and honestly some behavior should just be unacceptable, like... we should be kind to each other if we want people to be kind to us. Beyond that though, the concept of "punching up" has rotted people's brains and is ruining our community solidarity, is honestly a huge class consciousness issue, and they are doing more tangible harm than they're admitting to themselves.

I see this way of thinking as way more of an obstacle for dismantling these power structures than activists being imperfect in their personal decisions. Like, structural opression does not exist in a vacuum and spring forth from nothing, it requires a culture mindset to continue. Like, the whole deal with structural opression is that the opressed groups "deserve" their structural oppression in some way like it's always "justified". While the power structures/axes of opression/classes DO serve social and economic functions, human beings are emotional beings and most people aren't evil, to get social animals to hurt each other you have to socialize them to do so... like as feminists I think we know that at least.

"It doesn't matter if you shave because you prefer it, it perpetuates the expectation for women to remove their body hair and you are indirectly socializing other women as part of society" but then, if you have a good reason you can excuse homophobia or misogyny and suddenly it doesn't contribute to any larger power structures or the socialization of those in your communities?

If you have conditions in which you support homophobic or misogynistic (or racist and so on) behavior then first of all, you're perpetuating the cultural mindset and socialization that allow the abusive power structures to exist in the first place which beings me to my second point... it will lead to them being used against you by people who deem YOU as "other" at some point, unless you're the most privileged person on earth and there's no axis of oppression someone could decide to flip on you if they feel you deserve it and we all just keep crabs-in-a-bucketing each other

It's in our own best interests to treat each other as well as possible, that is my belief. Anything else is cutting off the nose to spite the face, who benefits?

[inconcordia]

On Sunday's Villainy

I've seen various interpretations of Sunday by now and sometimes he's made out to be much sweeter than I see him and other times he's made out to be much more openly villainous than I see him. So I wanted to write down my thoughts on this - the ones I can presently think of, anyway.

First of all, I refer to him as villain because the Family is shady as all hell and he's somewhat presented as an opposing force to the protagonists we're supposed to identify with. That said, no one is the villain in their own story.

I don't see him as the muahaha kind of villain that will go out of his way to be evil. To me, he is the righteous kind of "villain" (if one even wants to call him a villain in the first place), which is arguably harder to deal with than the black and white fairytale type of villain. He doesn't see himself (/(his side) as the bad guy(s) nor is he interested in "doing bad things" or exploiting people for the sake of exploiting them (NOT TO SAY that the whole Dreamscape and whatever the family is doing isn't doing exactly that, but that's a whole other topic I need to expand on). Sunday acts with the certainty of someone who sees his own actions as justified and righteous - if you are threatening the family, the Harmony, THEIR dream, any harm that comes to you is verily justified. In that sense, he might consider an act heinous up until the very point you commit a crime so bad that this very same act becomes an acceptable punishment for you. Righteousness, when misguided, is a scary thing to go up against.

That said, I don't get violent or brutal vibes from him. He has wrath inside him (I'll make a separate post about this at some point) but he doesn't seem the type who would lash out physically. He won't strike you, he won't hurt you, he won't even carry a weapon. Something about him almost gives the impression that he still won't do so if someone were to physically assault him. Not to say he won't defend himself in some way if necessary, but I just feel like physical violence is not really in his nature (may be proven wrong on this, we'll see). Think of his scene with Sparkle, or even the last one with Gallagher. He's the most emotional we see him throughout in those scenes and yet physically he barely changes, in Sparkle's case he doesn't even make outright threats to get her to stop. He asks her to stop and leave, telling her she is not welcome.

Now that doesn't mean he is an innocent flower who will cry if you upset him and not retaliate. Not at all. He will harm you and he will end you, if necessary, but he will do so in a more indirect way. He will trick you, lead you into a corner you can't get out of anymore, make you put yourself in grave danger or even make you kill yourself (directly, through your actions, etc). He will sacrifice you in a way where you will realize it but can't do anything about it (exhibit A: Aventurine). Rather than poison your drink in secret, he will create a situation in which you have no other choice but drink it willingly and knowingly.

If you threaten the Family, him or their cause, he will remove you if he can but he would do so by means that don't leave a dirty trail or appear like treachery. He wants to remain in control of the situation and any retaliation or act of prevention should be seen as what it is: punishment for the wicked. It should be as clean as possible. No clean-up is ever perfect so rather than make a mess and fix it, he'll spin a web you get so caught up in you cut off your own air supply before you know it and if someone then asks questions he will point out the fact that he wasn't even standing near you.

To be continued.. possibly.

[dykeulous]

reading your blog and i've been thinking about not being a radblr lurker anymore and actually making a side account... but i am also ftmbutch post-top + on hormones (partially a physical dysphoria thing partially a genuine DSD* health thing) and i honestly am not sure if i can openly exist like that on radblr? like i'm fully female-identified but i genuinely enjoy being a more masculinized female for Scary Dyke Purposes.

(i am not going to halt or reverse anything and on the rare occasions i do "pass" as a male i literally just take advantage of it to help other females lol. but i'm not really detrans/detrans-aligned and tbh i would have gotten breast removal regardless of dysphoria because cancer runs in the family and that shit is scary!)

i'm not sure how good that goes over in the current era tho. i tried poking my head in around the beginning of 2020 but it was not. great. should i try that again now you think??? i'm a super lonely dyke and i honestly just want a blog where i can be open and not get speared by people for talking about feminism + using the labrys lol

*i prefer this language when i discuss my condition specifically so no one jump dykeulous for this or call me self-hating. i socially consider myself intersex as a category but i also have a DSD. everyone be so normal about this please and thank you

hello! i am glad you reached out to me.

you should put your own needs & wants first, before anything else. radblr can get very toxic & at times extremely nasty. it has a very horrible reputation & for a very good reason. intersexism, ableism, gncphobia, racism, hatred against detrans folk, and even just regular misogyny run free…… but there are good corners of it. if you surround yourself around the right people, and do your best to ignore the trolls & bad faith people, you should be okay. radfems also face a lot of harassment from “the other side” (tras) on here, and sometimes it even escalates into straight up death & rape threats, even if you generally try your best to be diplomatic. so be safe. that is the most important thing. there are horrible, horrible people on both sides– if it ever gets too much, feel free to leave. your mental health is the most important & you shouldn’t feel pressured to stick around a group that makes you feel bad.

… they hate nuanced folk on tumblr over here …

[practically-an-x-man]

Weirdly specific but helpful ask:

3, 11, 17, 28

For Kat and Quinn please?

Thank you!!

Weirdly Specific But Helpful Character Asks

3. How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

Katherine: She's a pretty open book, and doesn't hide her emotions well. Even when she's trying to keep things hidden, she doesn't succeed as much as she'd like to.

Quinn: Pretty much the opposite - she keeps a lot locked up tight, underneath this witty, confident facade. Billy's the only one who ever really gets to see past that, and only because he's known her so long.

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

Katherine: Just get her going on some kind of historical trivia - particularly Ancient Egypt, but any decent copycat would study up on Ancient Egypt in preparation. But get her going on how makeup took form in Medieval Europe, or the fact that Dracula could theory play poker with a deck of Nintendo brand playing cards, and any copycat would become obvious real quick. The real Katherine has historical anecdotes up the wazoo.

Quinn: Ask her about her time in the hospital - a trick question, since the real Quinn would sooner eat a bucket of dirt than openly talk about it. One weaves an elaborate story about recovery, pain, nurses, etc.... the other just says "fuck off", and that's the real Quinn.

17. What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

Katherine: Throughout her life, her vitiligo was always what she noticed first, especially since the patches tend to change over time and she can never completely get "used" to them. Recently though, she's taken to noticing her eyes first instead, since it was such an impactful thing to see Bastet with the same eyes. Other people tend to notice her vitiligo first, though, since it's such a rare and striking trait.

Quinn: I think I've answered this for her, actually, a few weeks back when I did this same ask game. Quinn notices the stubble/shadow on her cheeks, since it's one of the things that gives her the most dysphoria (especially when she first gets up and hasn't had the chance to shave yet). Others notice her style first, her punk look and pink Mohawk, and that's entirely by design - it keeps people from focusing on the details of her face, and makes her harder to identify if she loses the leather jacket and shaves her head.

28. What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

Katherine: Tells people that she wants to be remembered, which they usually interpret as wanting fame. Really, she doesn't care about fame, she just wants to know that her art has had impact on somebody. But that's a lot harder to explain.

Quinn: Has a long-running lie that she just wants to be rich, or that she just wants to have a fun and exciting life, and that's an excuse for why she can't give up thievery or pickpocketing no matter what it brings her. Really, she just wants to be seen for who she is, since she feels like people always view her through the lens of some bias or another - queerness, disability, college drop-out, punk-ass kid, you name it. She acts like she doesn't care, but she really does get tired of always being someone's stereotype.

[homocidal-spider]

Okay so I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and honestly been kinda debating things the past couple of years and I've been starting to wonder if I'm somewhere on the aro or possibly even ace spectrum and I need some opinions from people who are and are not arospec and/or acespec to tell me if any of this sounds similar to your own experiences because no matter how much I debate this I can NOT figure out if I truly am or not and I don't want to use the label if I don't feel sure because then it feels like im lying

So uh, if you have time, please read my thoughts and explanations and tell me what you think, fellow queer people. I need thoughts and opinions (I'm 19 transmasc, very possibly have autism, and currently identify as bi if that affects any of your opinions here)

When it comes to romantic attraction, I've dated several people throughout my life. In fact I've rarely ever been single at any point throughout my life since the first grade. And yes I do mean that, even if you don't count elementary school or middle school relationships I was in relationships throughout elementary and middle school back to back almost (admittedly, even to the point of cheating on some of my partners in middle school out of feeling a need for a "backup" if my current relationship fell through). Right now is the longest I have been single throughout my life (5-6 months). I've always been the "boy crazy" friend (although openly bisexual since 6th so girl crazy too).

This is all to say, I've always been in a relationship and I've always felt like I need to be in a relationship. Any time I have been single I have been eager to hop into a relationship asap and give it another try. Whenever I've dealt with abusive relationships I've been quick to get over them as I never feared losing those people in my life and really have only ever struggled with losing the people I actually still enjoyed having in my life at that point in time. I've always felt like I need to be in a relationship or else I am going to die alone, romantic relationships have always felt more safe than platonic as a romantic relationship can potentially lead to marriage and staying together until death.

But they more I think about it, I've been wondering if I've ever really been romantically attracted to someone, what I've experienced has been romance to me because that's what I've known it as but what if what I've been feeling hasn't really been romantic attraction but instead really strong platonic attraction. It's made me start to think maybe if I didn't feel the pressure to be in a relationship, I wouldn't desire one.

Also, throughout my life, I've always felt like I've "picked" my crushes rather than them kinda just appearing out of nowhere. It's always been something I've felt bad about but something I've always been very analytical about. Several times throughout my life I have dated people for reasons (aside from just enjoying their company and caring about them) because I "think a relationship with them would work out well and last for a long time" or "I would like this person to remain in my life for as long as possible" or "the way I met this person would be a good story to tell people in the future" or sometimes just simply "this person has romantic feelings for me and finds me attractive". Which makes me wonder if I really truly do feel actual romantic love.

I've also always kind of felt weird when I saw or listened to people talk about their celebrity crushes as I have never had a crush on a celebrity, I've found a few attractive of course but I've never actually found myself crushing over a celebrity. With fictional crushes, I've also always felt weird as until very recently I never really experienced fictional crushes, and they've never been based on a character's appearance or seductiveness but rather their personality and their likablity. It's also (until very very recently) been very mellow to where it's like "yeah if this character were real and stuff I think I would be happy in a relationship with them" (the exception to this is Vivia Twilight from Rain Code he awoke something feral in my brain I wish I could kiss that man and cuddle him)

When it comes to sexuality it's a bit more of a complicated subject that would require me to delve into some more NSFW (in an informative way) topics that I don't exactly want to share with minors so I will include that part of the post in a google doc so I can explain things so I can get a proper perspective without any minors having to read all that.

Google doc explaining why I may or may not be asexual (MINORS DO NOT CLICK)

Another thing is, and this might be the stupidest reason for questioning whether I'm allo or aro/ace, I have a lot (most of my closest in fact) friends who are somewhere one the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum. Well, people tend to flock together subconsciously when they have those sorts of things in common even before they know it. It's definitely a fact that's contributed to my doubt.

With all of that out of the way, I would like to hear your thoughts and perhaps for you to share this with your aromantic or asexual mutuals so I can get as much of a perspective as possible on if any aro and/or ace people feel the same or if any allo people feel this way too and im overthinking things.

[lunazera]

So I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD this week

It's something I've had a growing suspicion for over the last few years, accepting I was struggling and then noticing how I was struggling. And learning to reach out for help.

I don't think it's sunk in yet.

The diagnosis is not really important to me honestly, my experiences would be here with or without it. But it does help me now get access to help in different forms.

I've always been hesitant to openly relate to ADHD, some fear of labelling myself with something that I might not be. As if it's so wrong to question your experiences. It shouldn't be wrong, but it's been so hard to break past that with many things in my life.

It really took advocating for myself and trusting my experiences (and my partner who sees me a lot). Nobody else was going to tell me this. Most people likely don't see how much I struggle, not unless I'm open about it. And generally, I'm not open. So who would know but myself?

Seeing hate and vitriol against self-dxing made me afraid to speak about my own experiences. But I never understood it. Your experiences are yours, others cant know them unless you share. A diagnosis is an external observation, but those experiences are real with or without it. Your internal experience shouldn't be gatekept. Experiences should be listened to, first and foremost. Maybe sometimes a different diagnosis makes more sense, but the experiences of the person shouldn't be invalidated. If someone relates to something, enough to question about experiences, there's probably a reason why.

Diagnoses are often gatekept behind walls of access, especially with cost. I could only look into ADHD because it became affordable and accessible. Until recently it was not possible, wanting report cards I have no access to and report about 20 years ago from a mom I'm mostly no contact with. My childhood was very irregular and disruptive, and it seemed for a while that it was just not possible to have a diagnosis done. Glad I found another route I could afford, but I can imagine many cannot. That doesn't mean their experiences aren't real. It always comes back to trusting yourself, trusting your experiences, trusting when you relate to someone others experiences. It took me 13 years from having the thought that I was trans to come out as a transwoman. And most of that time was spent not trusting myself. Not trusting that I was relating to trans experiences, and being afraid to label myself with something unless I was absolutely certain. In the end, nobody else could tell me I was trans. I had to trust myself and what I was experiencing.

Gatekeeping only ever hurt me, made me distrust myself, invalidate and deny what I was experiencing, and silenced me from speaking or reaching out for help.

Anyways, I'll leave off with this.

I'm also suspecting some level of autism. I'll likely never pursue a diagnosis (its also very expensive), and even identifying as such is not too important to me. But, that question is there, and with or without a dx my experiences are there.

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Hey giraffe! Saw you reblogged the post about random asks to get to know you better, so I thought I’d ask ☺️ (if it’s too personal, I won’t be offended if you don’t want to answer): When did you realize you were ace/aro, and do you identify with any micro labels?

Thanks for asking! Not offensive at all!

First off, yeah, I do use microlabels. I'm sex-repulsed or apothisexual and romance-indifferent or icularomantic. That basically means I want absolutely nothing to do with sex and wouldn't touch it with a 39 and a half foot pole, but I'm chill with romance. I don't actively seek out a romantic relationship or anything, but I'm not upset or weirded out by the idea of being in a romantic relationship.

I realized I was ace and that I was aro sort of separately, and I don't think I really had a single "AHA!" moment for either.

The first time my orientation really even crossed my mind was my sophomore year of high school when a girl in my orchestra class pulled me aside randomly one day and asked what my sexuality was. I had never had a crush or any sort of feelings for anybody before, but I kind of just assumed it would come at some point. Before that moment, I would have just said I was straight, but something about how she asked the question made me pause and think about it. I eventually told her, "I don't know. I've never felt that way about anyone before."

It kind of went to the back of my mind until my junior year when I started watching Overly Sarcastic Productions on YouTube. One of the main content creators there, Red, is openly asexual. That was the first time I had ever heard the term or heard of someone else who'd never had those feelings, and I found I related to a lot of her experiences. I think, over the course of that year, I slowly started applying the "maybe I'm ace" mindset, and it really did fit. It felt right, and by my senior year, I was just like "yeah, I'm asexual."

The thing is, it wasn't really important enough for me at the time to go digging on everything that meant. I had a word to explain how I felt, and I didn't really feel the need for anything else at the time. It didn't help that my religion is queerphobic (I'm not. Most individuals I know are not, but the policies as a whole are, and it's a thing that drives us all crazy. You can find more information about it on the queerstake or tumblrstake tags). I lived in a very small rural town that was pretty much all that religion too, so between those two things, nobody really learned about queer stuff unless they were queer and went looking or had queer friends who talked about it. And since I wasn't super close with any other queer people at that point and didn't know much about the queer community in general, I wasn't really aware that aromanticism and asexuality were two separate things.

It wasn't until sometime in the summer after I graduated that I was made aware of the distinction. I didn't feel the outright repulsion to romance as I did sex, but I had also never felt romantic attraction and had no desire for a romantic relationship, so I wasn't really sure where I was with that. Like, I knew for sure I was ace, but I didn't know enough about the arospec to really know how I felt about identifying that way. So I adopted "grayromantic" for that period of time.

When I went to college, I suddenly met a LOT of queer people, and was online a lot more. This meant I had the opportunity to be in a community of aspecs for the first time, and I ended out finding a YouTube video that went over the intricacies over the arospec and some of it's microlabels. But I also wasn't out to anybody yet, so I felt like I could take my time coming up with a label that fit me better.

Finally, I got a roommate second semester who was bisexual and who I talked to a lot. Eventually, I had a conversation with her about my aromanticism, and she was like, "Honey, you've never had a fictional crush. You ARE aromantic." And I was like, "Huh. I guess you're right."

So I've been actively identifying as fully aroace for about 5 months now, which is also coincidentally when I started using Tumblr, but I actually just found my microlabels 10 days ago! I made a long rambling post (like I do) about how I experience love, and was given some suggestions by the lovely @aroacemagicstar! So all the thanks to them!

Again, thanks for asking me!

[kynmites-blog]

Looks like my first true post is going to be a frustration rant.

So I work in a very male industry, and I'm male passing despite my bookishness.

Ugh, there is a lot of baggage here, so let me start from basics.

As a white guy, racists see you as part of the ingroup. You must also be racist because all these minorities are suppressing the white folk, and as such, all white folk are too scared to reveal their racist attitudes.

What this means is that racists only openly reveal themselves, as opposed to badly hiding their bigotry, when the object of their frustration leaves the room.

Example. I was working in the fuselage, and there was a black man and a couple of white guys. The second the black man was out of earshot, the racist man in the group did the look.

Anyone who passes as part of the ingroup will know what I am talking about. Suddenly, there is a change in the atmosphere as the bigot thinks they are free of view by the outgroup.

Suddenly, it's testing jokes (insults) at the expense of the outgroup. Then, especially if no one laughs, straight up hateful bigotry. It will go on as long as the outgroup isn't present and the "traitors to the ingroup" don't reveal themselves.

Unfortunately, despite my very liberal state, blue collar work is filled with the uneducated and thus ignorant. There are plenty of people who might consider themselves allies in that they disagree with the bigots on a fundamental level, but they don't act because they'd never stop. At no point would they reach the end of reporting people.

You feel surrounded, drowned by it. A match against a hurricane only moments away from violence if you let your guard down.

You are in effect in the same position as the bigot. They fear the repercussions of their bigotry from "the new order" while you fear it from the old.

They find it "easy" to identify the ingroup because they assume everyone "like them" is the ingroup. Whereas potential allies are constantly giving the same looks at eachother as the bigots, trying to sus out who is in and who is out.

It's only when an overt confrontation happens that the allies appear, and mostly in secret afterwards.

I started openly shouting Bible verses back at Christian, who would not stop harassing me, that contradicted his world view. Things that would make it very clear to those who are, at the very least not cult like to a lie they've been sold about their religion, where I stood on his behavior. One person representing the allies approached me afterwards and said "we agree with you if it makes you feel better."

I don't know if it's a guy thing or a generational trauma thing, but the general attitude is "that's just Dave, he won't change so why bother."

All this to bring me to the point I wanted to talk about at the start.

I'm part of the outgroup. I'm "part of the alphabet club," aroace. As such I sympathize with the LGBT community and view slights on them as slights on me, because they are.

I've delt with the bigots before, and typically it's at a distance so I can just turn up my music. Lately though it's been right in my face, from literally every direction. My immediate coworkers, the folks in the areas next to me, the folks on my way to other places, people in the cafeteria at the same time as me, MY DIRECT SUPERVISOR.

These ass hats I work with directly have the gual to complain about other people fighting against bigotry and hate when I had to talk to the manager on their behalf because they felt belittled by being told "alright, back to work" after our first break meetings.

I want to dissolve into the furniture. To just escape the needless hatred of ignorant people who refuse to learn.

One of them told me he just "couldn't read books" as they were too taxing.

He is one of the most competent men I have ever worked with in 15 years in this industry. Yet, despite his own disability (tourette syndrome), and despite being made fun of for it behind his back, he is one of the most hateful people I have met.

You are the diversity hire dipshit.

Let me evaporate and dream no more. Let me escape the burden of other people's thoughts.

[kikiiswashere]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Ahh! Thanks Medic! I love the idea of all of us sharing what we are proud of 🥰

It'll be hard to pick only 5 of my children, but here we go!

Obviously (at least to me 😅) I am most proud of my growing baby Children of Zaun. It'll be 2(!) next month, and I'm really proud that my commitment to telling this story has remained consistent. I am incredibly humbled and grateful for the readers who have stuck it out this far with this tale - especially in a fandom that feels a little dormant right now. CoZ has turned out to be a behemoth that is growing me as a writer and I am so happy its a story I get to tell.

Unfinished is next up. It was the first time I ever wrote a Reader-Insert story, and I was nervous going about it. Not only that, but I decided to make it a gender-neutral reader, which added another layer of challenge (for me, as I identify as a woman). I wanted the writing to be inclusive, but not pandering or deingenuous.

Waltzing for Three is a little diddy that wouldn't leave my head. I had a lot of fun writing it (gave me more practice with Read-Insert), and I've been pleasantly surprised at how many others enjoyed this piece 🥰 A part 2 may be gestating.

High Water I am proud of because it was my first time writing canon-Jinx. Mental illness and trauma and grief are always delicate things to write responsibly and respectfully (I think, anyway). I hope I did her justice.

Wink is another favorite of mine. I love how goofy and stupid it is 😆 Reader openly being a menace to the most dangerous man in the Undercity? Yes plz.