#i think they were joking around during just casual fun etc......then never had a desire to do it together again even tho it wasnt bad

[foxmulderautism]

the funniest thing about beau and bobby is them being completely sexually incompatible except for the fact they both like leather. they’re literally like oh no dark room thanks i just wanted to hang out in the leather bar with you

[spacehologramcollection]

NSFW Alphabet with Fujin.

Oh god, we are back on the NSFW Alphabet bullshit. No one requested this, and I was meant to be writing Bi-Hans, but like, Fujin happened. NetherRealm really are redeeming themselves with this design. Short haired Fujin has ruined me. So here you go, 7 pages of poorly written smut. Most of which was written after a bottle of wine. Enjoy! Warnings: Smut, believe it or not, shocking I know. 18+ under the cut. Mentions of kinks, smut, oral sex and all that good stuff.  GIF doesn’t belong to me. 

• A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) Fujin is so soft and caring after. To reiterate the point, you’ve fucked a god, you’re going to be exhausted and a little sore. He knows this. And almost feels a little guilty deep down, but when you reassure him everything’s fine and you just need some TLC he cheers back up. He’ll bring you whatever you desire. You want a bath? He’ asking what essential oils you want. You want a drink? Warm or cold is his question? Also, slight inappropriate use of his power but Elder Gods be damned, if you’re too warm, he may just magically summon a bit of a breeze to cool you down. He wants you to be comfortable and content. So that’s his end goal. • B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) He like Raiden has elected to choose this form, but he unlike his brother, does have a preference for what he prefers. He loves his hair (He knows this isn’t really a body part but still) it’s a huge erogenous zone for him. He loves the soft caresses but also doesn’t mind the occasional tug. He also loves his arms. They are very, very defined, and extremely strong. He’s not entirely sure why you fawn over them, but who the hell is he to argue? Loves it when you run your hands up and down them. Trace those glowing tattoos and get him all riled up. Loves it. He’s built and there is no denying it. Run those hands up and down his taut muscles and await for sinful noises. If he had to choose one part of you, he would struggle. He thinks every part of you is amazing and would genuinely struggle. He’s not sure how to answer when you ask him ‘Chest, Ass or thighs?’ He’s really not sure. Kind of stares, has to ask Kung Lao for clarification. Raiden would be clueless and would have to consult the Elder Gods for an answer. And who said Big Brothers knew everything? When he finds out you’re referring to your body, he doesn’t blush, more just an affirming ‘Ohh’ before him letting you know his preference very casually, more than likely in an inappropriate situation. Queue him letting you know that he prefers your thighs and ass whilst you’re sparring. He will also run his hands up the back of your thighs when you’ve got him pinned, only for him to playfully, and as discreetly as possible, squeeze your ass, before pinning you back. • C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) He’s far more open to experimentation than you would have first thought, but it comes with time (No pun intended there… maybe just a little one) At first, he’ll insist on cumming in you, it’s his preference. It’s just an all-round good way to finish, he loves been inside you and it spares mess. As his confidence grows, if you were to ask him to cum on your thighs, pull out and cum on your stomach, he would definitely indulge you. He’s very curious about Earthrealm customs, and that applies to ‘Mortal sexual customs and courtships’ as he puts it. Very sexy. He’s not overly bothered by cumming in you or on you, he’s sort of neutral to it in a sense and very laidback. If you want him to cum on your chest he will do. But he does like cumming in your mouth. The first time you sucked him off, his hand was knotted deep in your hair, you were on your knees whilst he was stood, hands gripping the back of his taut thighs like your life depended on it. You’re sure you left nail marks but that’s beside the point. When he warned you he was about to cum, you carried on and made a point to keep eye contact locked as you swallowed it all. He was shocked a little bit and you swore you saw a blush spread across his cheeks. A very faded one but you saw it, you’re sure of it. He’s open with how much he likes it, but he’s still very laidback about it all. As long as you’re both having fun and pleasured, then he doesn’t really care where he cares. • D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) Dirty Secrets for The God of Wind? He has a few. Can Gods blush is another question? You swear they can, faintly and barely there, but you swear you’ve seen one creep of his face a few times. He’s far more open about his secrets and desires than his brother is. He won’t scream them from the top of Sky Temple, but he’s open with you about them. He’s so nonchalant about his desires and dirty secrets, which begs the question, if you know them, are they dirty secrets? You guess they are, because by god, if anyone in The White Lotus or his Brother found out, you’re sure they’d be a little shocked. Fucking you at The Sky Temple is definitely up there. It’s something he’s done before. Elder Gods be damned. He had to have a hand clamped round you mouth, the walls are paper thin, so you couldn’t make much noise. So, fucking in locations you really shouldn’t is up there. It’s the adrenaline and the way a blush would spread across your face. Slight adrenaline on his part, but he loves seeing you get worked up. Rough sex is on there too, but more on that later. • E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) He’s got some experience under his belt. He’s an Eternal God who looks like he’s chiselled from Marble. He may be the younger of the two, but he’s still been around for a long time. That doesn’t mean he’s fucked a lot of people though. He’s got a bit of experience but not a lot to brag about. You’re his first Mortal though. So, he’s inexperienced on that front. He doesn’t want to break you or hurt you, so he’s very cautious with you at first. His sexual repertoire isn’t out there either, he knows the basics, but he wants to learn. And like I said, he’s in love with Earthrealm and wants to protect it something fierce. He also wants to learn everything about Mortals. He’s constantly remarking on how curious Mortals are with their sex acts. • F = Favourite position (this goes without saying) Has a penchant for wall sex, he’s not sure why he likes it so much. He understands it’s not overly comfortable for you, so he tends to get started with it. There’s just something about you both getting heated, him pressing you up against the wall, and showing off all that godly strength. It’s impressive, most people would cramp and couldn’t keep it going, but he, isn’t just any mere mortal, is he? He’s got the strength and stamina to fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to stand after. He’s still on the cautious side though. He adores and loves you, so he’s still very cautious. He does like you on top too. He loves the feel of your legs at either side of his, splayed over his thighs so deliciously, the feel of your hips against his, and your hands clawing at his shoulders for leverage to help you fuck him. It also gives you prime access to his hair. He doesn’t care if it’s short or long at the time, he wants your nails raking through his locks and tugging them. It really gets him going. You can also do that whilst he’s fucking you up against the wall, it may be why he has a preference for it so much. His sex positions were very limited when you first got together. But throughout the months and years, he’s found a new array of positions that he likes. Doggy is also on there. He is very vocal the first time you fuck in this particular position. Commenting in bated whispers about how he loves watching your ass back up against his cock, hungrily craving more, he also can grip your thighs and hips for leverage. As well as slapping your ass if he’s feeling adventurous. He  has prime view of your thighs trembling as you cum too. So, all in all, 11/10 position. Who knew a god could be so sinful? • G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) He can be serious in the moment, and he can also be a little humorous. It’s all to do with the context. He’s more laidback and a little bit goofy in his personality. And that carries over into how he is during sex. If the moment calls for seriousness and is very intimate, then he will be less humorous. He’s very in the moment during these moments. He finds humour to be a good coping mechanism if he’s ever ensure. When you’re experimenting, or trying something for the first time, he will breathily chuckle or make a slick joke. Nothing vulgar or anything to turn you off, more comments that have a light speckling of jest to them. His voice is so light and airy, that anything sounds good in it too. So, all in all, it will depend on the context of why you’re fucking. Intimate he’s serious, quickie and first time trying something, expect a light dash of humour. He’s charming so it works, he always has the right amount and it’s never too much. • H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) As laid back as he is, that does not translate into his grooming routine. He’s very neat and everything has to be neat. It’s trimmed and he’s very meticulous about his grooming routine. So, whilst that aspect doesn’t match his hair, you’re actually shocked to see that the carpet does match the drapes. He’s unsure why you’re staring at them, then back at his hair, then back down at his crotch. He kind of tilts his head, propping himself up on his elbows, and staring with you. You blush a lot when he catches you staring and asks you ‘Is something wrong?’ with a slight frown, worrying that he hasn’t been as precise and neat with everything. When you let him know, that most people you’ve been with, don’t have white fucking hair, he just chuckles. Relief is flooding over that intrigued and curious face of his. • I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) Okay, so when it comes to intimacy, it once more will depend on context. He can very intimate, slow, passionate and romantic if the situation calls for it. It’s more reserved for special occasions, really reiterating that he cares for you and loves you. These occasions could be anniversaries for example. Or, if the moment just feels right. If it feels like one of those moments, in which you’re getting lost in each other’s touches, and every touch feels fuelled by the desire to be close to you. He will be more intimate and more romantic in the moment. He’s very intuitive of your needs and how the mood of the room is. Please don’t expect however, big romantic sexual gestures, such as rose petals on the bed etc. He doesn’t get them. Expect creative and tailored romantic sexual encounters. Extremely intimate shower sex has happened before. Sex with Fujin will always make you feel divine and loved though. He’ll always leave cool touches that seemingly set your body on fire with desire after. Touches that are laced with want, need and desire for you. And he’ll always give your body compliments that make you want to moan a bit too loudly. Lots of whispered words in your ear about how perfect you are too. • J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) He may not have the time but he’s not one to ignore his desires. He knows he has a whole realm to protect. A realm that is always in trouble. But how the fuck is going to stop Quan-Chi or Shinnok if he’s distracted? Can’t fight The Lords of Evil with an erection. Okay, he didn’t say that or think that, but you get the gist. When you asked him if gods jerk it with a small smile on your face, laughing in your head about it, when he asks you what you mean by ‘Jerk it’ and you mention masturbation, he simply and very casually responded with he does. Because he can’t get distracted. You almost spit your drink out with how casual he is about everything sexual. He’s so unbothered about everything and so fucking casual it shocks you. He’s not constantly doing it, it’s more when the desire rises and the need, he’s going to take care of it. When he meets you, he finds himself doing it less and less. Your hands feel a million times better than his own do. • K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) Okay, so I’m going to be real with you guys, he’s not entirely sure what you mean when you ask him what his kinks are. You will have to explain this slightly odd Earthrealm custom to him. He’s not overly sure if any of the things he likes falls into kinks, but he soon realises that he has a few. He loves hair pulling, he loves to have his hair pulled and raked through more specifically. The noises he makes are unbelievable and they are something else. So, hair pulling is definitely one of them. He’s also a big old switch. He’s so laidback and chilled, he’s into you been more dominant and him been dominant. Whatever the mood calls for. He can be dominant when he wants to be, but he can also let you take control. He does prefer to be a little more on the dominant side. He will never let you know how much he gets turned on when you call him ‘A God’ or tease him about his status. But his cock will always betray him and will twitch and get that ever so slightly bit harder. It’s not that he thinks he has power over you, it’s more the way your lips twitch into a smile, and the way you either moan or whisper it. He’s not overly into biting or marking, but if you ask him or beg him to bite you and mark you up, he’s not going to deny you. He can leave marks that seemingly will last an eternity. He may also have a slight temperature kink. His power is one that can sort of be incorporated into your sex life with great care and ease. But he does love lowering the temperature of the room, watching your body react, as a cool breeze sweeps over your naked form. The way you writhe, bonus points if he’s got your arms pinned above your head. • L = Location (favorite places to do the do) He’s very adventurous when it comes to locations. He has to be extremely careful at Sky Temple, because ahaha you shouldn’t be there. A blind eye can be turned when you’re both chilling on the balcony, faking meditation, to escape a slight lecture. But nothing intimate is supposed to happen there. So, if you’re going to fuck at Sky Temple, it’s his room and you have to be very quiet. But when he’s at your apartment or house, anywhere is fair game. You’ve had sex in your bed, the shower, the couch, on top of your desk, against the wall, countertops, anywhere that strikes your fancy. You once even fucked him in the back of your car, it was dark, and you’d been at the beach and had been driving back. Adrenaline fuelled wouldn’t even cover it. He’s so curious and intrigued by Earthrealmers and their sexual appetites. He’s down to try any location, as long as it doesn’t land either of you two in too much trouble. He has little shame because Gods don’t really know much of shame. But he understands, it can be quiet embarrassing if anyone was to walk in and catch him literally balls deep in you. So as long as it’s secluded enough, and you won’t get caught it’s all chilled. • M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) Oho what would motivate a god and turn them on? A fair few things you find out. As mentioned throughout this sinful, smut filled essay, he loves having his hair pulled, tugged or played with. It doesn’t matter if he’s got his long flowing hair, or his short hair, just please play with it. It really gets him going, it can make him go from soft and gentle, to, I need to raw you, very quickly. Soft, fluttery touches get him going too. Especially on his inner thighs or his arms. If you grip his arms and tease, with some strayed fingers that are tickling any bare skin on show, it’ll make him hitch a breath. You also taking control really gets him going. If you were to push him down on your couch, straddle him, and start teasing his neck with your tongue. He’s going to be read to go. His cock slowly hardening underneath you. Anything that involves you two close together, will get him going and turned on. He’s also into having you run your nails up and down his back too. Though this is a more ‘in sex’ kind of moment. He loves also seeing your body, so if you were to undress in front of him, he’d love every second of it. Savouring it because fuck knows when you’ll get the time again. Those glimmering silver eyes, devouring your body, making you feel absolutely divine and making you feel flushed and warm all over. Who knew the God of Wind could make you feel so heated? • N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) He’s not big on degrading your or been degrading. It’s definitely on his no list and one of his turn off. Also, anything that can or will hurt you, he’s not asking anything. He knows he’s stronger than mortals, and he is very careful with you. Any wince and he’s going to be asking if you’re okay. He cares for you deeply and he would hate himself if anything happened to you. He’s also still a God and he’s a very happy-go-lucky one too, so anything that’s said with malice or hatred is going to turn him off. He isn’t into that. He also holds you with such respect, he isn’t going to say anything that he deems to be untrue or degrading. He isn’t doing that. He loves and cares for you. It’s not happening. He isn’t into sharing either. When having a slightly awkward conversation, about threesomes, after watching a TV show. He decides that’s not for him. So that’s no on the cards either. Also, anything that creates a lot of mess is a no go for him. Barring him cumming on your face, because, you know, you clean it up ever so well. And he does love watching you clean it up, enough, that he’s ready to go again. So there’s another motivation. He also doesn’t do power play or dynamics majorly. He doesn’t mind been dominant and taking control, but he will not have you on your hands and knees begging for him. He’s not vain nor prideful, so anything that involves anything above teasing and you breathlessly uttering the phrase ‘Please’ is going to turn him off. He knows he’s a God, and whilst he doesn’t mind the odd teasing phrase and utterance of it, he’s not going to ram home the fact he’s a God and demand anything because of that status. He respects you too much for that shit, you’re his equal and it’s not his style. • Oral = (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) He hates saying that he prefers receiving. He just loves it. From the first time you wrapped that tongue around his cock, he became enthralled by the act, and it can make him lose control very easily of his volume control. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t give, because he does give and will always offer to reciprocate the act. He does love having your legs spread either side of his head, splayed especially for him, god he loves it. He just loves receiving and it’s his preference. He had no idea that oral sex existed, so he’s pretty thrilled by it. He makes some sinful noises when his cocks down your throat, hands knotted deep in your hair, trying to keep control, powerful legs taunt as he stands before you. You can make the God of Wind come undone with your mouth, that’s a pretty impressive fete, but certainly not one that you can put on your CV/resume. His skills giving aren’t great to start with, he literally discovered he could pleasure you with his mouth a few hours ago, you cannot expect him to have skills magically. He does gain the skills though, because he’s determined, focused and wanting to master it. So, you know, makes up for it with enthusiasm. That, and his hands feel so good against your thighs, running little teasing circles. • P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) Fujin’s pace will depend entirely on the context and mood. He can do slow and sensual when the time calls for intimacy and romance. But he can also do fast and rough, when you’re both worked up and needy for each other. If he had to pick a preference, he prefers to start off with a teasingly slow pace, before picking the speed up and intensity. He can also start intensely before winding it down to intimate. He often lets you pick the pace and roughness, as he wants you to be comfortable. But like I’ve said earlier, it depends on context and who’s feeling more dominant. He loves both equally as well. He loves soft, slow and sensual sex, when he can worship your body, and you can caress his body. He loves the feeling and sense of been entwined together, your bodies and hearts beating as one. But then again, he loves fucking you hard and rough against a wall, whilst you struggle to keep your grip on your words and they soon become incomprehensible, as he literally fucks you silly. Your hands are knotted in either his hair or running down his back, his volume control is turning to mush as well. He loves sex with you, because you show him that it can go either way. Sex isn’t like masturbation, it’s not a chore and something to be taken care of. Sex can be about intimacy and it can also be about pleasure and desire. So, he’s easy going with pace, but he does prefer a mix of soft and sensual and roughness. • Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) He’s very laid back when it comes to quickies. He does prefer to explore and take his time, but sometimes, the need arises for quickies. So, he’s down for them. He’d never really experienced quick sex before you, but upon discovering them he’s not initially keen, but they grow on him. Sometimes you just need a good hard fuck and he can appreciate that. He does prefer taking his time though, so you only really have quickies when the need arises. • R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) For a God he sure does like taking some risks and does love to experiment. The experiment part comes from the desire to learn more about Earthrealm and his curious and inquisitive nature. As his confidence grows, so does his desire to experiment, he’s more worried about you, so he tends to restrain himself a little with experimenting till you reassure him you won’t break. As for risks, he’s into been risqué in terms of locations, but nothing that will endanger you. He’s down for that. He’s not into embarrassing you, so anything that may bring about shame or embarrassment he’s not about. He knows little shame, oh the folly of been a god, but he doesn’t want to upset you. So, risks with some locations yes and experimenting with positions yes. But nothing too dangerous. • S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) Yeah, he’s a God, so he does have a lot of stamina to match that status. He can potentially last a really long time, and his recovery is ridiculously quick. He could have just finished in your mouth, watching as you lick off the escaped cum that’s escaped from your mouth, and his cock is already twitching and hardening again. How long he lasts however, depends entirely on how long you’ve been fucking and also how hard he’s going. To start with, he could last a fair bit, but your cunt always managed to make him cum far sooner than he anticipated. He does begin to last longer the more you fuck. But if you’re both fucking hard, and are both really turned on, he can cum quicker than normal. It all depends on the mood. And whilst he may  be able to go for multiple rounds, it all depends on how you’re feeling. He wants to make sure you’re comfortable and content, so if you want to go again, great hop on, if you don’t that’s fine you can cuddle. • T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) Whilst he doesn’t own toys, big surprise there, and he has no idea about much of this stuff, he is intrigued upon finding one or two you own. He will outright ask you what it is. Not if people are around though. You hid them well, which means not everyone needs to know about them. He’s so open with you telling them about them and would honestly be open with using them. Some he’s not keen on but he wouldn’t mind using one or two on you. He’s not threatened by a lump of silicone and plastic. He’s made you orgasm multiple times with his hands, cock and tongue, he’s pretty sure with his skills, but not in a vain way, but he’s assured with his skills at making you come undone. Toys, to Fujin, are just something different and an odd Earthrealm custom that he wanted to indulge in and explore. Only to find he’s okay with occasionally busting them out. He knows you’re not going to run off with a dildo, so he’s really not envious of them. That, and he knows he can’t be around as much as he wants to be, so if you want to fuck that dildo and think it’s him when he’s away, you go ahead and do that. Very supportive in your pleasure. • U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) Fujin does like to tease a little bit. Not a lot that it turns into edge play or edging to the point you’re screaming out and begging for him to make you cum. He’s not into that. A breathless ‘Please...’ or things along that line are okay. He’s more into teasing with his hands, running little circles round your bare skin, gripping your thighs when no one is looking that sort of thing. It really does get him going. He will also tease slightly with the temperature. One minute, a cool breeze is washing over your naked skin, making you ache for him… only for the breeze disappear before it can ghost over your erogenous zones. That kind of teasing is okay, because he will give into you easy. He doesn’t mind you also teasing him with his God status. As long as it’s not powerplay like. That does make him a little uncomfortable. ‘Show me how a god fucks a mortal’ is okay, but ‘I need to pleasure your godly cock’ is a no go. So, a little bit of teasing goes a long way with him. • V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) The noises this man makes are unbelievable. They make you ache for him and are just sinful. Who knew someone so holy, divine and godly could sound so sinful? He can be very loud with his moans. He tends to have to keep quiet if there’s a chance of you getting caught, which always kills him on the inside. He has fairly decent control of his volume, unless you’re deepthroating his cock, whilst moaning, sending vibrations up his shaft and into his spine. Making him tense and lose control. He loves hearing your noises too, it’s his goal to make you moan loud in his ear, a smirk playing on his lips as he hears it. Literal music to his ears. He will also whisper things in your ear, his voice is so light and breezy, everything sounds fucking so good in it. It literally does make you weak at the knees, from his way of speaking, to his loud moans that rip from this throat. Moans that make you worried you’ll get a noise complaint, not that you care at the time. • W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) NSFW: He literally knows no shame and doesn’t always understand mortal shame. So, be prepared for inappropriate questions outside of the bedroom and the sanctity of your house. Queue him asking about a blowjob in the middle of the art gallery, after witnessing some erotic art. He can also kiss you with such intensity and be so blissfully unaware of what it does to you, that you’re left hot and flustered, after he catches your lips and playfully nips at your lip whilst you’re having a nighttime swim. He’s also so sinful for a god. So much so, you’re not sure people would believe you, not that you’d want to share your sinful secrets with everyone. SFW: He once got back early from a mission early. Only to have you mention that you were a little sad. Bippity boppity boo, the winds clapping, and you look up from your book, to see he’s stood on your balcony. Ready for a night in of just holding you and catching up. He secretly wants a slice of the quiet life. And would love to settle down with you. He loves you so much. He wishes he could spend the rest of eternity with you. He thinks you’re perfect for him and that you were destined to be together. He’s never been more devoted to finding a way you can be immortal, if you express a similar wish to spend eternity with. He keeps up hope of finding a way the extend your lifespan. But he knows deep in his heart, that he is glad to have spent and found you and shared a short amount of time with you; than to have never met you, and him to have spent his eternity without knowing you. No matter the pain it will cause him. Raiden would also be there to help him either extend your life, because you make his brother happy, and he is a supportive older brother. • X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) It’s impressive and is larger than average. He’s got a big dick guys, I’m not going to skirt around this. It’s not overly large but it does stretch you. Probably pushing past the 7” mark. It’s actually pretty thick as well. He’s so blissfully unaware of how big his dick actually is and is almost unphased when you remark how big it is. Good job he’s an expert at foreplay. His cock is in proportion to his body and it just looks right on him. • Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) It’s not overly high but it’s not low. It’s more in the middle. If you’re down for fucking, then he’s down for fucking. He’s also down if you both just want to do some mutual masturbation, or oral sex. Whatever you want. Sometimes though, he would just like to hold you and cherish the moment. He’s not all about the sex either. Your relationship is extremely important to him, sex is just a bonus. And as much as he loves learning about new things and experimenting, he does love just a chilled night in, where you’re wrapped up in each other’s arms. • Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) He falls asleep after you. He loves falling asleep with you. After sex, you end up talking about anything and everything. Shit gets philosophical on a night. And you love listening to his stories about all the things that he’s lived with. He’s lived a long arse time too, so there’s a fuck ton of stories. The cool sheets entwined and covering your bodies, legs and limbs tangled. His hands manipulating a cool soothing breeze to cool you down. Your head on his chest, whilst you trace his tattoos as they glow in the dark of the room, his words lulling you to sleep. He’ll make sure you’re sleeping soundly before falling asleep, planting a soft kiss on your forehead, before whispering how you complete him. He’s a fucking giant softy.

[checkerflats]

Haven't been on tumblr in a long time. Felt like this was a decent place to write since nobody I know really uses tumblr anymore. I wanted to talk about my journey over the last few years and tumblr feels private enough a place to do so.

I moved to Florida 3 years ago (well as of this upcoming March) and at first life was decent. I tried to acclimate myself, stay healthy, positive, supportive, etc. At some point during that first year, I became incredibly depressed, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed trying to support myself (I did have a good friend group to help me) but down the line I had convinced myself I had a plan and that it was 'my plan, I thought of it' so instead of talking to the people I cared about and loved, I continued to try to do things in my own way.

A belief is a thought you have that you like. My belief was that I was the only one who could tell me what to do. And I never told myself to shut up and listen to people; realize they're saying what they're saying because they care. I became toxically selfish. I started judging my friends and peers opinions, being an asshole, being inconsiderate to everyone around me, unwilling to talk about my issues (and if I did I sounded like a narcissistic twat), etc.

To make a long story short, I resulted to drinking to cope with my overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. This isnt an excuse. It's just what happened. It in no way makes my behavior acceptable. In fact, anyone who knows me and how I act when drinking changes my thinking patterns would attest that it's only ever made anything worse. Even days or weeks without doing so, it affects me on such a negative level that negativity is the only lense through which I view the world and its inhabitants. I become the definition of nihilistic.

This led me to losing my friends, my loved ones, my job, housing, and ultimately respect from others and respect for myself. It was devastating and I did it to myself. After July of 2019 I started to refrain from drinking and honestly believed I had become the best version of myself. I got a new apartment, job, new friends who have still supported me to this day, albeit, upon making these leisurely friends who wanted to be wild, I felt I should--I wanted to participate. It was fun for a minute, and I was sober for about a month or two..

I'd begun to drink with them every now and then, never alone or at home, never two days in a row. I thought I could be a casual drinker. However, these friends and I stopped drinking for the most part, and begun to do a lot of acid (one thing I wouldn't say is neccesarily bad or addictive, in moderation) and a LOT of xanax. I started to learn a whole new meaning of 'fucked up' and went downhill faster than Jack and Jill could even imagine, baby!

By December, a friend and I decided we'd start doing cocaine. Fuck it, right? That got bad quick. It only lasted about 2 months on and off until we realized how crazy it was and that we needed to actually save our money (and sanity) so we stopped. By this point (March/April of 2020) I'd stopped doing everything other than weed. That inevitably led me straight back to drinking. This time it was everyday again, alone, at home, you get the point. When coronavirus hit I lost my job, couldn't find another anywhere therefore couldnt afford rent, was constantly in scary situations for 2 months (drunk), and decided it was best to GTFO and high tail it back to Ohio by May of 2020.

This took me months to realize, but I had so subtly slipped back into mass depression. Being back in Ohio, around triggers and friends who'd grown apart from me, I felt helpless and alone. I began drinking all the time. When I'd wake up, all throughout my shifts at work, at 2 am once the beers I'd had after work were buzzing off.. I was having the worst thoughts and feelings possible that I won't elaborate on because, again, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or even manipulating the perception of whoever might read this. I did this to myself. My behavior was absolutley unacceptable. I'd been put on probation for drinking, I'd been arrested for it even once in my own bed sound asleep (lets not go into how corrupt the law enforcement is in Mansfield, OH). The point is I'd broken the law and, regardless of the circumstances, the law is the law and it comes with consequences.

By October of 2020 I'd agreed that the best case of action was to go to a treatment center for addiction. The center was more or less a joke at first until a counselor committed to actually helping us started working there in mid-November. All in all being sober long enough to get back to a focused, rational, kind state of mind has put me in a euphoric state of content more so than any materialistic or temporary feeling that a substance or whatever else could bring me. Real peace is better than fake, self-driven delusion. I got released from the center today (1/13/21).

What I'm trying to get across is that if it wasnt for those who care for me after all the shit I've put them through, if I hadn't accepted I had a problem and my plan wasnt working, I'd still be that other guy. If you give up your ideals and listen to a 'Higher Power', (a 'God', a group of people as in power in numbers, a spiritual intuition that things happen for a reason and you agree you alone can't solve issues the same way you've tried 1000 times over and failed) whatever your view on that is, if you are willing to change and accept support you will be able to find genuine serenity.

That other guy is still in there. I have to continue working my program daily and catch myself if I slip up, be prepared to tell others, make amends (unless that would make things worse) and by all means listen to their advice in order to turn 4 months of sobriety (even from weed, but this is mostly about drinking) into 4 years, and so on. If you read all this (well first off, thank you, like.. golly!) and you are someone who knows me, then I'm sure that's hard to believe because everyone who knows me has heard me say before that 'I am quitting alcohol!' when in all honestly all those same people probably knew damn well I was just trying to convince them rather than myself and even if I did want to stop, I still had a desire to do it. That's where I can finally cut ties and announce that I, personally to myself, no longer have the desire for alcohol. Today. Right now. One day at a time. I despise it. It took my ambitions and spat them in my face along with my kindness, positivity, all my goals and loved ones like they all meant nothing and I am sick and tired of enabling that feeling. The world we live in is full addiction. Eating, technology, fame, money, power, caffeine, nicotone, sugar, sex, drugs, rock and roll--you get it okay? None of those will bring anything of substantial value or genuine joy. Being selfish will bring nothing but suffering. Be kind and loving. Love is salvation.

Once more, if you read all this, you're a saint and I thank you and hope your life, if not already, becomes (and continues to be) positive, peaceful and great. Love yourself, the best and worst. Face fear head on and never give up. Always lend a hand to those who clearly need it and if they turn it away like I did so many times, all you can do is hope and pray they'll get to the point of acceptance someday. I am so grateful for the oppurtunity I had to turn my life around. I am thankful for every single person who's come and gone and the help they offered before and after I actually admitted it was neccessary. I'll try and be of service to others when and where I can. Stay safe, world.

-cone

[godsofhumanity]

GODHUNTER by AMY SUMIDA | REVIEW

okiee this was recommended to me by @inkleaves ^-^ uhmm so i have a LOT to say about this book. spoilers under cut.

OVERVIEW: “Godhunter” is the epithet given to a young woman named Vervain who uses witchcraft and magic to go around committing deicide in order to save humanity from gods who drain their energy to gain immortality and other godly attributes. However, when Vervain is recruited by the Norse god Thor, she finds herself in an alliance with the people she originally considered her enemies, as they work together to save the world from the maliciousness of the Aztec god, Huitzilopochtli.

RATING: 2/10. i’m giving it a low rating because it doesn’t really have too much to do with mythology, but i did like its general portrayal of most deities even though this book was insanely cringey and dumb.. now, even though under the cut, i’ve kinda bashed the book quite a bit, i still have to admit that i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have fun reading it. i stayed up to 1 AM trying to finish it because i had to find out what the protag’s next stupid decision would be,, all in all, if you like trash/cringe fiction- this is for you.

WARNING: even though this book is a YA novel, I’d say there’s a definite emphasis on the adult part of “young adult”... Certain scenes and themes are inappropriate for minors.

AVAILABLE ON: pdf link here ^-^ ((i think it downloads immediately if you click))

THINGS I LIKED:

the book is cringe.

great diversity in terms of the god cast. i learned about some new deities that i was previously unfamiliar with, so that was cool

Brahma (Hindu deity) wears a Gucci belt as part of his attire ^-^

whatever Estsanatlehi and Tsohanoai (Native American deities) had going on.... they were really cute and wholesome

THOR-HORUS BROTP AGENDA!!!!!!!! everyone who follows me already knows how keen i am about this idea of all the war deities hanging out together (fite club), and this novel served up exactly that. disappointing that Huitzilopochtli wasn’t a part of it, but i am settling for Thor and Horus’ several centuries old friendship.

Horus’ falcon tattoo detail.. i LOVE the idea of the gods having their sacred animals tattooed,, it’s so awesome!!!

Pan... i liked the way he still had his little horns, and he was kinda chaotic and fun.

in general, the descriptions of the gods were so pleasant and so cool.. i really liked the way that pretty much all the gods were beautiful,, this is very much in line with my own idea of how the gods look, and i think it makes sense, because they’re meant to be charismatic, compelling beings- beings that you worship, beings that you praise- why would they be anything but beautiful? and even if they were considered ugly by other gods, that’s only in comparison to other deities.. from a human perspective,, i just can’t see how any mortal could consider a god to be anything less than perfection,, idk

in particular- i really enjoyed the descriptions of Huitzilopochtli in his debut. i know he’s a piece of shit in the novel, but i LOVED the way he was described with his war-frenzy being triggered by blood, and the way, as god of the sun, his body almost glows, and heats up as though you’re looking into the sun itself, and the only way he can cool it down is by bathing in blood... WOWOWOWOW it’s just such a neat and fantastic visual description. his physical appearance really paid tribute to Huitzilopochtli’s original domain and attributes.

i also liked the linking between Huitzilopochtli being the Father of Vampires.. links between Aztec culture and vampirism is a trope that i didn’t originally suspect, but have become exposed to quite a bit as of late,, and i think that it’s quite a clever little plot. i liked that Huitzilopochtli also debunks superstitions about the sun, garlic, crosses, holy water etc.

Huitzilopochtli as the villain. the man makes a BRILLIANT villain- his motives are very clear and also, i thought, justified, albeit unoriginal. his presence is quite terrifying, and the reader does worry for Vervain’s safety whenever she’s with him- which is good! this means that he fills out his role as a villain well. tbh,, i did love Huitzilopochtli from the moment of his debut, but he got knocked out of my books during a certain temple scene and i have some thoughts about that in the next section.

when Vervain wakes up after the temple dream with Huitzilo, and she relaxes because it was just a dream, but then she looks into the mirror and sees bite marks on her neck!!! CHILLS! now THAT was good writing- it was unexpected, and served well to navigate into the next part of the plot.

Odin and Huitzilopochtli holding a ted talk on “how to create panic and discord among the humans”, and the gods having to bring certain meals depending on what the first letter of their names were.

Vervain’s pop-culture references, and her weaponry- especially the gloves that have blades in them that get released when she swings her hand downwards. very cool, i want them.

casual appearances from Vladimir Putin (yes, i said Vladimir Putin)... i couldn’t stop laughing when i read that Huitzilo was trying to kill Putin’s daughter to instigate a war...... asdhshajdhasdjfhjdhf insane

also i know Vervain was trying to mock Huitzilo when she nicknamed him “Blue”,, but like.. that’s a really cute name and it wasn’t even insulting.. yeah, that one backfired on you Vervain... if anything, that just made it seem like she actually had affections for him and i feel like probably in part is the reason why he felt encouraged to pursue her.

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE/THINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE AND/OR CONFUSED ME:

the book is cringe.

it reads like a 15 year old’s fantasy AU where she’s a humble young woman, unextraordinary- yet somehow, she is the muse of every man’s desire. handsome, ripped gods who never wear clothes are laying themselves down at her feet,, and she is just overwhelmed by the choices before her; and all the while, she has to balance a complicated love life with her duty to save the world (since she’s the only one who can).

Vervain as a protagonist. idk how old she’s meant to be, but since the book is in first-person, and the reader is exposed to her innermost thoughts,, i’ve gotta say- she’s incredibly immature. as a protagonist, i just feel like she’s rude, pretentious, snobby.. she has no idea what “respect” even means. in every scene, she’s either fighting someone, or lusting after them (when Teharon told her off for having lascivious thoughts about him, and she simply responded with “well stop being so sexy then” i wanted to die.... WHAT is wrong with her)

i hate the way she looks down on the gods- even if you didn’t worship them, or even believed in their existence, surely you wouldn’t have the gall to lecture Hades and Persephone on how to be a good couple (especially when your advice is shit). surely you wouldn’t have the gall to say to Thor what Vervain says to him on pg 227, 4th line from the bottom, that i will not repeat here. Vervain is just too self-absorbed. i don’t hate her, but i definitely think her character is a bit,,, iffy.

relating to Vervain as the protagonist- everything just seems to happen to her.. and i know that she’s the protag, and things are meant to happen to her, but it all happens to her one after the other in succession, no breaks. it’s so easy for her... oh? Huitzilopochtli is going to kill Putin’s daughter? no worries, Vervain can read Huitzilopochtli’s thoughts! oh? the gods have never been able to transform more than half their body into their animal form? no worries, Vervain is so powerful she can force a god to change against their will! oh? Vervain is being attacked by blood-thirsty wolves? no worries, she saved the life of one werewolf and now he’s indebted to her and will literally kill himself in order to protect her! everything is easy, and nothing is a problem.

the way every male deity ever sees Vervain once and immediately wants to take her to bed. why was that a necessary aspect of her character? and also, why are the gods portrayed as such lustful beings?? it really wasn’t necessary.

Horus throwing a fit about how December 25 is his birthday and that it was stolen from him by Jesus... to quote:

“No big deal?” Horus puffed up. “I was called the Lamb of God. I had twelve apostles, and my myths spoke of my crucifixion and consequent resurrection in three days. His stories were my stories first!”

it’s fine that Horus is angry about his birthday which was i think, historically celebrated around this date- but the rest of it isn’t even true???? Horus didn’t have 12 apostles, i’m pretty sure he was also not called “Lamb of God”, and he wasn’t crucified!!! aghhhh even Thor says “It’s been so long that even you don’t remember things accurately.”

anyways.. my beef with this is the way it’s phrased so as to imply that “oh christianity just stole everything from the pagans” when this is so incredibly false and sounds like something an ill-informed person would say. you can read more about christianity, paganism and christmas here

kinda related to the previous point- the jokes about Jesus’ skin colour. i quote:

“... when Christ first became a god, he looked Jewish because those were the people he chose to align himself with. However, the Jews didn’t want him, and when Christianity spread, the white people wanted Jesus to look more like them. With the change in belief, Christ’s appearance changed. ... We used to tease him about how he looked whiter every time we saw him... Kind of like Michael Jackson...”

what the FUCK??????? seems like Sumida doesn’t understand that various ethnic groups illustrate Jesus as appearing as the local people do. Yes, obviously in a Western country, Jesus is going to look European, he’s going to look white. If you go to Japan, you will see Jesus and the rest of the gang looking pretty fucking Japanese. the point of this is NOT to erase Jesus’ Jewish ethnicity, and it is certainly not because of something like “the Jews didn’t want him”- it is because it is a way for followers to better relate to the Divine. including Christ in this story isn’t the problem- i’ve seen others do it very well. the problem is how uneducated her writing comes across.

all the gods have human jobs so that they can earn money and stuff,, which is fine- Thor, for example, owns a line of boats, which makes sense. but Pan? his job is making p*rn. now even though it’s true that everyone associates Pan with sexuality and stuff,,, this isn’t his primary role, and making Pan out to be just a playboy who has his mind in the gutter 24/7 i think is a bit of a mockery. Pan is, first and foremost, a god of the Wild. why Sumida elected to make him a p*rn manufacturer and not a wildlife conservationist is beyond me... i’m not even pagan, and i thought this creative decision was distasteful and stupid, especially because his character is actually quite light-hearted and cool.

the temple scene with Huitzilopochtli and Vervain. as i said previously, i really really liked Huitzilo’s character. he made an excellent villain. but this part?? i understand why it was done, but i HATED that it had to happen... not just because it was horrible for Vervain, but Huitzilo seemed so powerful and godly right up to that point- after which he seemed pretty pathetic- going back after Vervain after she’s rejected him countless times. she is JUST a mortal!!! c’mon Huitzilo, give it up!!! you are degrading yourself at the expense of achieving one mortal’s “love”.. the fact that he had to hypnotise her to get what he wanted AND had to achieve it through her dreams (when’s she can’t protect herself) was sooooo pathetic and disgraceful.. IMO, he committed the worst sin any person could ever commit and i just... AGHHHHHHHHH SMH WHY?!

speaking of morons- Thor. Thor just comes across to me as extremely possessive, and over-protective,, and idk how Vervain was NOT creeped out by the fact that Thor had literally been stalking her for two years before she even met him. wtf? god or not- that’s creepy. actually, i think it’s creepier because he is a god. 

Sif. i am still waiting for good media representation of thunder god Thor and his beautiful golden-haired wife Sif- i want them to be HAPPY, and i want them to be in love the way they should be! 

Persephone. i like the idea of Persephone being sweet-tempered, and kind- but in this book, she’s such a wimp??????? she totally just lets Vervain be rude to her, a goddess who’s name means “Bringer of Destruction”. also- her relationship with Hades seems toxic.. i mean,, he like tracks her? she starts stuttering when she talks to him, and gets nervous when people so much as mention his name. not to mention the fact that Persephone says that when she does go back to him, all he demands from her is a certain horizontal dance so much so that she is “sore” (<- quoting from the book here) every time she returns??????? WHAT IS HAPPENING?????????? and no one even questions it. Vervain doesn’t even question it! instead she suggests that Persephone MOVES IN with Hades permanently???? and that Hades should just start verbally saying how much he loves Persephone instead of “showing” her how much he “loves” her.....??? there are SO many issues with this.. i can’t even- *screams*

the Aphrodite-is-madly-in-love-with-Huitzilopochtli side plot. it could have been really good, but then it ends so abruptly,,, i mean.. why’d Aphrodite get done so dirty like that? Also summary of Hephaestus’ first and final scenes:

Hephaestus, entering the room: Right, what’s all this then? Vervain: Your wife is cheating on you (again) Hephaestus: Aight, i’m out *leaves and never comes back for the rest of the book*

what the HECK was the ending with Trevor?? i hate Vervain so much i can’t... okay first of all- WHY did Trevor decide to have a wolf-marriage with Vervain?? he kept on going on about how she’s so beautiful, and kind, and caring... NO SHE ISN’T TREVOR!!! i’m so mad that he would pledge himself for all eternity to this girl who doesn’t even like him in that way!!! you played yourself son

also- Thor accepts the fact that Trevor is going to have to be close by to Vervain because the terms of the marriage state that Trevor will literally die without her touch, which is VERY GENEROUS of Thor... but Vervain?? ooooh i HATE her.. she has the audacity to look at Trevor with her lecherous eyes thinking about lustful things IN THOR’S OWN BED!!!!! and then she thinks to herself “oh whoops i shouldn’t be thinking that”- yeah you’re darn right you shouldn’t be thinking that!!!! whatttt is wrong with her............. 

also- where tf did Huitzilo go??? he just gave up on trying to instigate a war and vanished?? the plot was so unresolved?????? AGH!

[musette22]

Hi Minnie! First of all, thank you for being so sweet, reasonable and respectful, I can't even describe how much joy your blog gives me! You are a true pro in emotional support for Evanstan fandom, so I guess I kinda need some reassurance. [1]

The thing is, as you probably know, some Seb stans on Twitter take the whole Chris insta situation and turn it into smth embarassing, like making fun of Seb and Mackie ignoring Chris and calling the idea of the challenge stupid (even though Chris did donate, not just "asked fans for money", as they say). It's like they feel the need to attack the first before smb calls they fav out. [2]

I know there ARE good people in Seb fandom, it's just that the aggressive ones are so loud and spread their bs so fast, I end up seeing it on my TL. No matter how stupid it sounds, it keeps making me sad to see so much hate towards Chris and his fans not from some random locals but from Seb stans. It's like two halves of my heart are torn apart. Not even ship-wise, it just seems so hard to love them both and be present on twitter these days. [3]

And, since I'm whiney af today, one more twitter thing: the CW promo era was some kind of honeymoon for us, sure, but I've recently seen some opinions on how Chris was all lovey-dovey and Seb was stiff and bored and uncomfortable, how their interviews were unnatural and boring. I mean, in my part of fandom (non-English speaking country) there has always been a popular perception of boys' dynamic as these "over-excited puppy playing around a confused cat" vids, if you know what I mean. [4]

But it kinda seemed ok for me, and the way they acted a little awkward around each other etc. Well, you can tell I'm easily affected cause now it does feel more negative to me. Stuuupid, I know. Maybe it's my "let's feel sorry for Chris and his fans" phase, idk. Sorry for bringing it here, you just seem to reassure people so well. [5 and last, it was long lol]

Hello my lovely!! This was indeed long hahaha but that’s totally fine, I myself am also someone who also has trouble keeping things short to I feel you 😘 

This is a very long reply so I’m putting it under the cut so I don’t clog up people’s dashes!

Okay so first of all, let me say I was never a fan of Twitter, but everything I’ve heard lately has just lowered my opinion of it even further. I know there’s a lot of amazing stuff and brilliant folks on there as well, but it also seems to be where all the bitchy, hateful, entitled and inappropriate people congregate. So personally, I’m very happy with my little community on Tumblr when it comes to fandom, and for news and social media I prefer actual news outlets and instagram. The sad truth is that there are a lot of harmful and hateful opinions in the world, and as someone who struggles with anxiety, I try to find ways to avoid a lot of it. Especially the stuff I can’t do anything about (you can try to reason with most haters until you’re blue in the face, and 90% of the time it’s not going to make an ounce of difference). It’s much easier to curate your own experiences on platforms like Tumblr and even Instagram than it is on Twitter, or so I’ve gathered. So I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of helpful advice for you there apart from ‘maybe try and stay away from Twitter if you can’ which you probably don’t really want either...

As for the whole Seb vs Chris issue: it’s clearly completely ridiculous. There is no ground whatsoever to believe they’re at odds. At worst, they’re now just casual work friends, but there is no reason to believe there’s any bad blood. It’s interesting to consider that initially, the argument seemed to be they had fallen out and both disliked each other (no idea where that came from but sure), then it was that Chris didn’t like Sebastian (because he allegedly shaded him when he joked that Scarjo was the only one of his friends who came to see Lobby Hero), and then Chris got Instagram and tagged and followed Seb, but because Seb hasn’t responded to the challenge yet, he now apparently hates Chris. For what reason, god only knows, because only last year at MCM London (where I was present myself) Sebastian gushed about Chris and his experiences with him while filming the Cap movies, and lets not forget it was him who initiated the hug at the Endgame premiere. Long story short: they don’t dislike each other. They’re completely fine, people just like to make up drama for whatever reason.   

As for the Sebastian stans who hate Chris and vice vera: to be honest, I wasn’t even really aware it was an issue until recently, because I was under the naive impression that it was kind of impossible to love one but hate the other. Both of them are such amiable, sweet, thoughtful, funny, talented guys, and everyone who actually knows them adores them, so why on earth anyone could hate either of them is beyond me. But even if you do, I genuinely don’t understand this need to pit them against each other? Why? I think a lot of it is down to people just liking drama, or being actual 12 year-olds who still see the world in a kind of high school dynamic-way. I’m not saying Chris and Sebastian have never done anything wrong, but in my opinion, none of it warrants outright hate or being cancelled over. It’s such an immature and unreasonable take. I’m just sorry for the people who can’t love both of them, because man, are they missing out! I understand that it’s painful for you to see all those opinions when you love both of them so much, but that’s why I try to just avoid them. I know they exist, but not seeing them makes dealing with it a whole lot easier, I promise! ❤️

With regard to the challenge itself: if the celebrities who are taking part in it are not donating themselves, then yeah, that would be problematic. However, we know that Chris donates to a ton of different charities, so there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s donated to this cause as well. Asking people to buy tickets to try and win this “prize” is not in itself an issue, if you ask me. People can think for themselves, can’t they? If they think it’s worth it, they think it’s worth it. They’re not being forced to part with their money, and moreover said money is being used to help people in need. Of course fake and problematic charities exist, but there are still good ones out there as well, so let’s assume for the moment this one is actually doing all of this from a genuine desire to help people and it’s not some money grabbing scheme.

Furthermore, as I’ve said so many times before, I really don’t believe Sebastian and Mackie are “ignoring” Chris. If they’re choosing not to do the challenge (they still might do it at some point) then I’m sure they have a good reason for that and it isn’t that they’re holding a grudge and are thinking “screw this charity and that Chris Evans, I’m going to ghost him to get my revenge!” I mean, do these people even realize how ridiculous that sounds 🙄 I also believe they would have let Chris know about their decision privately. They do have each other’s phone numbers, you know... 

And lastly, about the CW press tour... I don’t know what footage these people have been watching to come to such conclusions, or what’s wrong with their eyes and ears, but that makes NO sense to me. I’ll tell you what; it was mostly the footage from the CW press tour that got me convinced there was something going in between the two of them! Both Chris and Sebastian acted in a way that screamed “smitten kittens” to me, and if there was ever any “stiffness” from Sebastian’s side, then that was no doubt just his slightly more reserved personality compared to Chris and Mackie’s. Chris and Sebastian’s videos together give me LIFE, so for anyone to call them boring is actually kind of insulting lol. To me, almost every interaction Chris and Seb had during that press tour showed that they were either low-key (in a friendship way) or high-key (in a romantic way) crushing on each other, and they clearly admire each other very much. Any awkwardness I’ve ever seen between them for me seemed to stem from that crush (is anyone not at least a little awkward around their crush sometimes?) and not from any dislike from either side. That’s actually such a ridiculous idea to me that it doesn’t even make me worried, it just makes me laugh. Some people really don’t have eyes, it seems. 

Anyway, that was a reeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy long reply lmao, I’m sorry! I hope this helps a little though, because I do know how shitty it is to feel like you do about things that are supposed to make you happy!! Tuning out the haters and focusing on people who feel the same way you do in my experience is the best way to get to feeling good again 🥰 Big hug, and hopefully you’ll feel better soon!

[purpletalewasteland]

Why do you believe jerklie is fake? As in depth as you can please. She’s the one factor I don’t feel confident in. I believe Gaylor, that toe is bs, that Kaylor was real at some point. Where I lose faith is that Karlie and Josh aren’t together. As ridiculous as the wedding was, sometimes they look happy together. Could be they’re just really good gay bff’s.

Sorry it took me awhile to answer, but I didn't want to just write some half-assed response and I have been busy...

To be totally honest, I don't actually know know, so I'll start by saying that. But everything about their interactions scream disgenuine to me, especially prior to the engagement. The biggest thing for me is just "gut", but that's a pretty weak argument that leaves a lot of holes, so I don't expect to convince anyone based on that. Look, I'm fully aware that my answers here are fuel for the anti's, because they're just not sound arguments, and moreso just based off observations and personal inferences. So take it all with a grain of salt.

The thing with these two, is that their interactions leave me the same way that "Shawmila" does. Feeling weird and icky and sad. I'll also say that I know exactly what you mean, because while I don't think they're a real couple, it seems like they're better at playing the game now. But anyway, a few reasons immediately come to mind.

1. She didn't really seem to acknowledge him for a long portion of their relationship. I understand being private, I really do. But if your answer to a question about Grace Kelly is asking where your prince charming is, all while you're in an actual long term relationship, is that really an appropriate reaction?  I of course understand making jokes, but that would be kind of hurtful, wouldn't it? And I don't need to mention that the guy happens to be rich, which is kind of a factor in the prince charming fantasy 🙄. Or when you get extremely awkward about being asked how to land a guy when you're so busy being a supermodel, and you avoid it by passing if off to the other girls, more than likely because you cant relate to the question whatsoever (and really could just answer in general terms without getting into your own "specifics")... It's just not typical of someone in such a long term relationship, whether or not you're private about it, whether or not you've got superb PR training. Then there's a lack of being publicly involved with him other than in random pap photos (see below), and also promoting a bunch of his investments.

2. The pap pictures. iirc, there was a post where you could see that she walked to his hotel and then they started their stroll for the paps, which is super odd behavior for a real couple. Why aren't you together to begin with, it's just weird to me. They never even put in effort to seem like a real couple in their early pictures, they just existed in one space at the same time. She was trying to build her brand and create a public association, but I think it's safe to say he was trying to do the same.

He was never pictured in her family gatherings or more personal/intimate events. If he was willing to be a public figure (why do you need pap photos and an entertainment based manager if you don't want to be involved in that world?), he was willing to be linked to her, and willing to be photographed with her, I don't know why you would draw the line at privacy.

And, it's weird how they seem(ed) to post pictures that have been chosen from an over-used batch of stock images, rather than natural, non professional/casual event pictures of the two of them.

3. Then they took their previous strategies and started amping it up during, and prior to, the engagement era. The pap photos increased, suddenly they were pictured being "intimate" and kissing (ew), there were more frequent mentions, she actually started acknowledging him, it was all amped up. Yes, one could argue that by becoming more serious, they decided to make their relationship more serious and bring it into the spotlight. But they had already been together for several years, so I don't understand why that would make a difference, unless they were just super casual for years and just using the relationship for public relations ? That still stinks a bit to me.

4. Included in this increased effort was a very quick engagement, and then a half assed wedding. To me, it seems natural that if you're not rushing to get engaged, you wouldn't rush to tie the knot. You would give your damn designer more time than a rush order for 3 weeks, would you not ? And why was that such a short timeline ? Why even go through with the first one if you're planning on waiting for a bigger one later ? I mean, why?? It just doesn't add up. Clearly there was some kind of deadline happening behind scenes, even if you think they're real, something was going on there. I also personally believe that it wasn't supposed to leak out that day, and we probably would have seen a different unfolding of events had things gone differently. The latergram wedding video at least showed there was more than what we had originally seen, but I also find it strange that the photos from that day have been the same.

4. Despite this increase in effort and the "wedding", the fact still remains: there's no chemistry. I'm sorry, but there isn't. That's not a reach. It's not wishful thinking. I'm not being rude. They just don't have chemistry. Those kissing photos ? It looks awkward and uncomfortable. That tells me something is up. I know it's mostly photos, but I still don't see genuine connection. It's just not there. This is the biggest factor to why I personally don't think they're real, whatsoever. There's one photo of them in particular where it's just so glaringly obvious they have no feelings toward each other and just can't possibly be each other's type. But maybe that's presumptuous of me. I hate stereotyping and making judgments, so I won't say it, but I'm sure you can pick up what I'm laying down.

I know that doesn't answer your question, because you want to know why I still think they are fake, despite Karlie's sudden acting chops and they're commitment to the stunt.

But I have a few other things to add.

For one thing, Karlie's public persona shifted around the time of the engagement. She used to be very friendly with other models, she had lots of friends in Taylor's crowd, she posted more genuine moments of having fun, etc, and more recently, a lot of that side of her has gone dark. When she posts something about friends, it's usually another client of Scooter's, or someone with whom she has a business relationship. I believe this is because her friends didn't want to partake in the farce, and don't want to be associated with that nastiness. It's a natural progression for a model to stop walking in shows when their career amps up, but it seems like her entire approach to her career and business has shifted around the same time. I think she's focusing on being more of an influencial figure in the media, rather than a model per se. I do think these things are connected. I think she finds a level of comfort and connection to the industry by being associated with that crew.

On that note, is it possible that they're like a fake fake couple, as in legitimately pretending to everyone that they're together even though everyone knows they aren't, and they sleep in separate bedrooms and it's all just convenience and there's no sex but there's an open door policy for both parties to just do what they want in their own free time and probably have side relationships? Sure. But if that's the case, then I would think Karlie wouldn't be in her own long term relationship with Taylor.

I do think it's possible that they are actually friends. In fact, I think this is very likely, as she doesn't look like she wants to die when she's pictured with him. She seems comfortable enough traveling with him and doing these stunts, so something in her has shifted to give her the ability to switch codes so well. Of course we don't want to think that, but I think she's probably just bit the bullet and decided to make it easier on herself.

So where does that leave us ? Obviously there's a lot about this situation that we know nothing about. The guy is a crook, we can all agree on that. Sadly, in Hollywood/wealthy land, being a shady fuck doesn't have quite the same reaction that it does in the real world. Money talks, connections talk, and so does that yacht money. Why is Karlie a willing player in this game ? Has she realized that the Trump association clearly doesn't cause as many issues as we may have assumed back in 2016? Has she chosen to continue this sherade because it's done wonders for their goal of erasing Kaylor connections? Has she chosen the path of least resistance because it's been a long few years and she's too tired to fight anymore? Has she decided she doesn't have the ability to reach the desired heights of her career with just her own hard work and merit ? Is she actually just not a good person and totally fine with rolling around in corrupt money and laughing straight to the bank ? *This one hurts*, but has she lost a big part of her life and has thus decided she no longer has anything to lose, so why the fuck not ? I don't know. All these things run through my mind, and I wish we had some form of an answer, but sadly don't think we will anytime soon.

I really don't know, anon. I read through my answers here and realize I'm not actually so convinced myself, anymore. Of the four things I said yesterday I was so sure of, this one is the one I'm least sure of, though I would think if they were "real" it would be more of the platonic scenario I described above, and not an actual loving relationship. Karlie is a loose cannon. We don't have brilliant lyrics to analyze and look to for answers. We don't have a history of patterns to look at, to try and find holes in the narrative. It's just a different game here.

Now, if the entire plan all along has been to erase the Kaylor connection, to even make us Kaylors doubt, then they've done a brilliant job of that. Because it's glaringly obvious that she's losing our support and faith.

I'm sorry that I can't give you more than that.

[mothercetrion]

a friend in a server requested kotalblack, so i am providing!!!!

1) Who rocks the Ferris Wheel seat and who flips out and begs them to stop? Erron rocks it for the look of shock that crosses Kotal’s face; he’s never been on one, and Erron wants to make his experience, ah… interesting. Kotal quickly asks him to stop.

2) Who is always horny and will have sex at any time, at any place and at any time? Kotal knows how to keep himself in check, and he’s not very adventurous with new locations, which Erron respects. But he still tries to get him to experiment, which Kotal isn’t always opposed to. 

3) Who is more into taking showers/baths together? Who tries to make it relaxing and who tries to make it sexy time? Kotal has managed to make Erron a bath man. He likes to soak to ease his aching muscles, and he knows that Erron sometimes needs to take the time to take care of himself. Erron tries to make it sexy more often than Kotal, but both of them have warmed up to the idea of having sex in there. 

4) Who likes to walk around the house naked and who tells the other to go put some clothes on? Outworld is hot as shit. Kotal takes off his clothes a lot since it’s sorta common for other Outworlders to do it, but Erron hasn’t entirely warmed up to the idea of being bare ass naked in public. 

5) Who sleeps on the couch when they get into a fight? Neither of them. Kotal tries to talk with Erron about the fight (in the rare case that it escalates to that point), and sometimes if he’s really upset, Erron will just leave and walk around for a while and eventually return, missing his husband and wanting to get some rest. 

6) Who takes photos of the other while they sleep? Kotal. He probably doesn’t have a phone, honestly, but if he were to have one, he would use it to admire Erron’s maskless face whenever he can. He finds him very attractive, no matter what Erron thinks. Erron is iffy about the pictures at first, but he’s gotten more used to the idea of it. 

7) Who said “I love you” first? and who ends their arguments in a fight with “Because I love you”? Kotal said it first. He’s an honest man and tells Erron things the moment he can. To say that Erron was stunned is a vast understatement. Erron ends fights with that a lot, since Kotal’s duties can be dangerous and Erron is always concerned for his safety. 

8) Who likes to wear the others sweatshirts? I don’t think they own sweatshirts, honestly. But Erron does try to steal Kotal’s clothes if he can; it’s big and comfortable and smells good.

9) Who wakes the other up in the middle of the night to tell them a cool dream they had? Who has the most nightmares, and who sings them back to sleep after? Neither of them really dream much, plus they understand the importance of sleep, so they don’t wake the other up. Kotal is able to keep himself calm on his own most of the time, but if Erron wakes up, he offers a hug to comfort him. Erron fails to keep himself from remaining calm, and Kotal sorta… smothers him in a hug to calm him down and help him feel safe.

10) Who is more likely to cheat at games (cards, board games, etc.)? Erron. Kotal doesn’t know a lot of rules about games, so Erron can get away with doing more. But once he learns about the proper rules, Kotal catches him a lot.

11) Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them, and who has to remind them that they are in a relationship? Erron isn’t much of a tease, but he brings it up in casual conversation sometimes. “You had a crush on me, huh? That’s crazy to believe.” “Crazier that it was reciprocated, my sun.” Erron blushes a lot then.

12) Who starts a food fight in the kitchen? Neither of them. Kotal takes cooking seriously and Erron isn’t playful. But Erron definitely makes a mess a lot more often, which can make them giggle.

13) Who initiates duets? and who is the better singer? Duets are rare and reserved for private moments between them, and Erron typically initiates them since he is the one providing the music. They both can sing pretty well! 

14) Who starts the hand holding? Who grabs the others butt? Who slides their arm around their waist? Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops? Erron starts hand holding because it’s really subtle and he likes how warm Kotal’s hands are. In addition, if they’re in a meeting, he can sneak a hand hold under the table. Butt grabbing is rare in itself but Erron typically initiates it. Erron wraps his arms around his waist a lot since he’s the right height. Kotal is the one that will grab Erron’s belt loops since he’s the one that wears jeans.

15) Who likes writes the others name on their wrist? Neither of them. But Erron probably has a small tattoo that represents Kotal on him somewhere so he can keep him close to him.

16) Who is more seductive when they are drunk? and who is louder in bed? Erron all the way. It’s slurred seductiveness, but it’s still there. Both of them try to keep their volume at a low volume so wandering ears can’t hear, but sometimes, Erron can’t keep himself quiet.

17) Who is more protective? Erron. He knows that Kotal’s job can put him in danger a lot, and he refuses to let anything happen to him. He can’t stand to see him get hurt. 

18) Who talks to the other while they are sleeping? Erron. He questions Kotal’s love for him when he can’t hear him. It still baffles him that Kotal loves him.

19) Who drives and who has the window seat? Kotal is too big to fit in most cars, and the one time he did drive… it wasn’t a good sight. Erron would prefer that he drive so Kotal doesn’t get them hurt.

20) Who falls asleep in the others lap and who carries them to bed? Erron falls asleep on Kotal all the time. He sucks at taking breaks and is typically tired, and Kotal is wicked comfortable. Kotal always carries him to bed with a smile on his face.

21) Who cuts the others hair? They both cut their own hair, but they watch the other cut it. 

22) Who is super bad at sexting? and who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day? They don’t sext ever, but Kotal is embarrassingly very bad at it if he tries. They don’t really text one another much, but they often try to encourage one another in person. 

23) Who thinks they are not good enough for the others love? and who’s more afraid of loosing the other? Who thinks they keep messing up, only for the other to tell them they don’t need to worry? Poor Erron can’t seem to grasp that someone would actually want to date him. He worries that Kotal will want to find someone else to improve his public image. They’re both deeply in love and beyond scared of losing the other in battle. Thinking about losing Erron is one of the few things that can make Kotal emotional. Erron worries that he isn’t enough to be the Emperor’s boyfriend, but Kotal assures him that he is enough… and more.

24) Who starts random slow dancing with the other in the kitchen? Who holds the other just above the ground and kisses them? Kotal. He loves holding Erron close and just swaying with him. It’s very relaxing. Kotal is able to pick up Erron and kiss him all he desires, which he loves.

25) Who says shitty puns and sex jokes just to see the other giggle and blush? Sex jokes are reserved for during sex, and Erron tends to make more. Kotal makes more puns since he hears them from other Earthrealmers and doesn’t realize how bad they are.

26) Who kissed first? Kotal. It was shortly after he had seen his full face for the first time, and he was so smitten that he kissed him right there. Erron was so shocked.

27) Who orders take out at two in a morning? and who wakes the other up at three in the morning to go downstairs with them to get a glass of water because it’s too dark? Erron is more likely to get up and wander the kitchen for food. If Kotal gets up and he wakes up, Erron offers to walk with him.

28) Who writes poems/stories and love songs about the other? Do they sing the songs the write for them? Erron. He writes a lot of songs because Kotal makes him feel so many strong feelings that expressing them in simple words isn’t enough.

29) Who does some crazy stunt to try and impress the other and who ends up driving them to the emergency room after it backfires? Erron is more likely to overwork himself and end up getting hurt. Kotal is right there whenever this happens and takes care of him until he is healed.

30) Who is embarrassed when they have to wear their glasses and who thinks they look super cute? Neither of them wears glasses. Kotal is very fond of all of Erron’s masks though.

[beebovee]

Hope Underneath (Ch. 1-2)

Introduction: The Girl I Once Knew

Sometimes I still believe I'm that little girl who would do cartwheels all day, singing christmas songs in september, and running barefoot after the ice cream man. She was so fragile, yet, extremely alive. Waking up at 5AM almost everyday, watching her favorite disney movie, followed by eating chocolate for breakfast. This little person, she had so many dreams; she could get lost for hours just in her own mind. Everyday there was something to be done, a new adventure awaiting, all in the same house and simple backyard. She overflowed with kindness and understanding, there was no way anybody had a chance at stealing that from her. Until eventually, this little girl changed, and as much as she tried to stay who she was, life’s trials overtook her.

Yesterday, I was somebody that I can probably never be again. Today, I am deeply troubled, punished by my own decisions. I would not say I’ve grown up, because in me there’s a child who is trapped in a black box, waiting, still believing there’s a chance that her life will begin; the life that she has always prayed for. And it’s difficult because I am the one who makes every decision, I call the shots. At one point, it was like I didn’t even decide anymore. I just surrendered. I just threw my hands in front of me, willingly allowing myself to be cuffed, chained, and thrown into the river. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I would have drowned by now, but at least I know there is one good thing living in me that can never die. For a moment I felt done for, a lost cause, a deteriorating corpse with skin. Thanks be to God that He has promises on my life.

There was always something about that time in a romantic comedy when everything got serious for a moment. When the girl stops falling for the jerk, or the boy finally realizes it was time to stop being a jerk, and tell the “nerdy” girl he loved her. I lived for those moments. Then there were the pure moments in fictional films, where the fairy godmother showed up, or when true love broke the spell. All together, when good prevailed evil, when the sun came up, when the tears only lasted but a moment's time; those moments, were the ones I yearned for in my life. So much faith that, when I was feeling hopeless, I would remind myself of the things in life we can be sure of; like how the sun will come up every morning, even on the darkest of days, behind the clouds, that the sun was always shining bright. 

Today, I have trouble being so hopeful. Although I'd like to think I am, I have to be honest with myself; there was a time very recently where I felt like I had given up. I completely let myself slip away, almost as if I put my true self into a coma. The only reassurance I had  was that underneath all of the resentment and self doubt, I still believed. I still loved the beautiful things, the things that appeared almost impossible. I loved good news, and the fact that babies were being born everyday, and people were overcoming diseases. I realize that loving these things, admiring the goodness, it is only a sign of an undying hope in my heart. I, myself, have not recently acted as a person of hope, but I have it, nonetheless. 

It’s difficult being in a position where you can enter the path to victory, or continue to choose the path of desire, which not only leads to dissatisfaction, but leads to destruction. Those fairytale movies truly did me in, because although they are beautiful, for someone like me, a love-sick, hopeless romantic, they caused trouble. I tried so hard to find adult romance at such a tender age. I was always hoping for a love story, a miracle. A man who would change everything about himself and do everything possible to make me happy. Someone who was troubled, but turned their life around because I’m just so special. Yeah, well, that didn’t work out so well. I got the “bad boy” but didn’t get much good out of it  (woah, shocker). We’ll get more into the details later. What we are going to do right now is go back to the beginning. Where it all started, and why I am where I am today. I am unashamed, and I believe there is power in sharing a story, and sorting through trauma. I know I am not the only one who has gone through what I am about to share, and I firmly believe that doing this will continue to help me move forward and heal, finally. Without further ado, let’s dive in. 

Chapter One: Almost Free

At the tender age of seventeen, I was getting out of my first “serious” relationship. It was definitely High School puppy love and lasted a little over a year. During this time, I was also heavily in church and was entering the last six months of my High School career. My plan was to graduate, enjoy the summer and then do a 9-month internship at my church come Fall. My boyfriend and I,  at the time, were shaky. I knew he was messing around with another girl, but I was so naive and just fearful of facing the truth. I also truly believed I loved him so much. It wasn’t too long until it was blatant in front of my face. At school one day, during the passing period, he was standing there cupcaking with a girl, casually in front of my class. I didn’t know how to act, I was so hurt so I just proceeded like I didn’t care, but I knew I had to make a decision. 

That same night, I went to a small group that I was in for church and I was just crying, and saying how much I loved him and wanted to try to make it work. Everyone there was telling me how there should be no question at all, it was time to leave. Block him off of everything, avoid him at school, etc. I kept saying to them “I’m not ready!”, until I realized, I would never be ready. Jesus himself pleaded with God before He went to the cross, but He knew it’s what needed to be done (Matthew 26:39). Moses doubted himself, but God ensured Moses constantly that He was with him. So after this revelation, I was feeling empowered to the max. I blocked that boy and didn’t even give him the chance to see my face. And for months after this, I heard from so many people how he had been cheating on me for a while, so it was good riddance.

 After a week, I was glistening with joy, just happy, free. And for a split second, it seemed like I was on my way to better days. I was making new friends and even had a little flame with this boy in my English class. I just had constant smiles, until one Sunday came around. I was eating at Applebee's with my family and I got a message on twitter from a boy named Sonny. Little did I know that my next step after this moment would dictate the next six years of my life. 

Sonny had popped up in my life about two years prior to this day, but it was very brief. That explains my confusion when he messaged me on twitter that day. His exact words were, “I like the blonde look” and heart emoji(s). Since I didn’t remember who he was at all,  he expressed his shock which helped jog my memory of this person. Then, ofcourse, in my painfully naive “single girl” mind, I thought to myself, ``It doesn’t hurt to play”. So at that moment I had already decided I was going to entertain him, because he had always expressed his interest and attraction to me in the years before this. I mean, why not just have a little fun, right? 

We began to text and then talk on the phone constantly. I am a major talker, so it was always very fun for me. We did this for about three months before we went on our first date. I learned he was in college, played basketball and also lived in a nice area. Sounds like a clean cut kid, right? At this point,  I am loving the attention. We were always laughing and joking, and he just made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing to touch the planet. I grew fond of him quickly. On our first date, he picked me up from a friend’s house and took me to a waterfront. We got hot and heavy fast. Although at this point, I was still a virgin, and the worst I had done was make-out with a guy. Honestly, I would never even let a guy touch my leg or anything, it was that serious. Things were different with Sonny, though. That’s something I admired about him, he always made me feel very comfortable in my decisions. I know you’re wondering if I did the big three letter word that night, but no, I did not. He surprisingly “waited” eight months for me. 

I got my first hickey that night, and experienced a level of intimacy that I never knew could be possible without being naked. When he drove me home, he said, “At every stop sign or stop light, I want to kiss you.”, which was the cutest thing ever to me, and the butterfly’s just never left. When he dropped me off at home, he almost crashed into the mailbox when I kissed him goodbye. I went inside and my mom saw the hickey on my neck and went crazy on me, she was so angry and I started to cry because I realized I had done a horrible thing. Maybe some of you reading this might think, “that’s literally nothing”, but at that time, it really was everything to me simply because I had always held myself to very high standards. I had dated other boy’s for months and never let them touch my arm, or even put their tongue in my mouth but now all the sudden I was comfortable enough with a practical stranger. I would like to point out how significant this was. This was the first situation between him and I where I was convinced  to give up all of my morals, virtues, and beliefs. He truly made me feel so comfortable, and I ate it up. A hopeful, faith filled girl like me, I began to trust him with everything.

We got serious very quickly, and I was falling hard. He made me laugh, he was sweet to me, he treated me like a baby and I loved it. We were always talking, always. He always wanted to show me off to all of his friends and would make me sing for them on the phone. Pretty soon he started to invite me around them. They were all really funny, and for months I could never truly bond with any of them because I was so shy and nervous. Sonny wanted me around everyone, any chance he got. We would either be in the car or in his friend Manny’s garage, which always gave me anxiety because I would be the only girl most of the time. There were also times during the week where Sonny would take me on lots of dates and adventures. We would go to tons of places, he was always really fun and creative. We spent every waking moment together. If we weren’t together, we were on the phone talking for hours upon hours, and we’d sleep on the phone too. Everything seemed amazing to me because we were so inseparable. I fell hard for him, very hard.

Sonny smoked a lot of weed, and I didn’t really mind it, even if I didn’t smoke. That’s pretty much what he and his friends would do, just smoke, play video games, watch funny movies or even play basketball. I never expected him to dabble in other drugs because I just didn’t think people our age really cared, of course, because I was very naive. On my 18th birthday, Sonny came with his friends Sal and Darnell, whom I had never heard much about before this day. I was expecting the other friends that I was used to. I was confused as to why they were all holding coffee cups (which ended up being Codeine and Promethazine mixed with soda), and I actually believed they were drinking coffee that night. This was obviously recreational but sadly, it opened doors for him, but we will get more into this later. Sonny was so shy but I remember my family being welcoming and even my sister was trying to include him (which is surprising to think since she absolutely despises him now, for good reason). It was a fun night, but the days to come would bring a major shift.

Chapter Two: True Colors

Sonny started to hang out with Sal a lot more and Sal would always come with Sonny to my house. Sometimes we’d watch movies and would all fall asleep. One time, I woke up to Sonny’s phone vibrating and it was in his hand so, myself, being nosey, I looked at it and saw messages from someone in his phone named “best friend” with the dancing girl emoji. We were already four months into our relationship, I thought I had met all of his friends already, so how could I miss his “best friend”? I was too scared to ever bring it up so I eventually opted for being sneaky instead. I wasn’t a very vocal person at this time, I never wanted problems with anyone, especially the love of my life. I also would notice a girl on Twitter who would like a lot of his tweets and I often wondered if she could be the same person, but I just didn’t have enough evidence or energy to look further.

About seven months into our relationship, Sonny and I went on a date and that night things got really heated for us and he said it was the perfect time to do it. I was scared, but like I’ve said before, he made me feel so comfortable, and I also thought maybe if I did this, he wouldn’t want to talk to other girls. After three days of going back and forth, I eventually gave in. As an 18 year old girl who is a sucker for the romantics, you’d think my first time would have been amazing, but it was not, it was only amazing for him. It was just not at all how I thought it would be. I was expecting a bed, flowers, gentleness and kissing, but it was just the opposite. I started to cry after, only because I felt I was spoiled goods at that point, and was hoping it would have at least been romantic to make it worth my while. I never stayed sad for long, though, and it wasn’t too long until I began to love doing it. The next few weeks to come, that’s all we did whenever we had the chance.  

One night, I snuck out and Sonny picked me up so I could sleep at his house. That night, he fell into a deep sleep, and I couldn’t help but look at his phone. Let me tell you, I was not expecting at all what I was about to see. Maybe girl’s flirting with him or something, but not this. I not only found out who “best friend” was, but I saw sexting, and flirting like if he was in a relationship with this girl. Her name might as well have been, “Girlfriend” in his phone because of how much they were talking. I was so confused. I saw FaceTime calls, phone calls, and all I could think was, how does this man have the time? He had been talking to this girl for months. Her name was May and I guess they had known each other from camps that they would both attend every year. Let me tell you, this girl was the biggest hater on planet earth. In their text threads I would see how she would spend so much time saying horrible things about me. It made me think about how I had no idea who she was at all, yet, she was spending her time talking about me everyday? It blew my mind. It just didn’t add up, and was extremely pathetic. And Sonny never stood up for me either, he would just laugh at the things she’d say. I always think about how I should have just ended it there, but I was just not who I am today. I was too soft and always gave people the benefit of the doubt.

Not only did I see this, but I found naked pictures of some girl on his phone, and a video from March of that year where another girl was performing a sexual act to him while he recorded. I was crushed, all I could think was “What do I do about this? Why is this happening? I thought we were happy? March? We went on our first date in March? How did I miss this?” It drove me nuts. But I still didn’t know what to do. After we woke up the next morning, Sonny drove me home and I just texted him about it after he left. And I tried to break up with him but he swore that that video was so old and that there was no way it could have been from March. In regards to that girl May, he said that he used to talk to her the year prior but that he left her for me. He swore to me that the only reason he kept talking to her was because she was a good friend, and a nice person (my eyes are rolling). He also said that all the things he had said to her was just him messing around, that she knew he was with me and that’s just how they would “joke” with each other. He said to please give him another chance, that she meant nothing and he was going to tell her how much he loved me. 

Sonny posted a picture of me on his Instagram where he expressed how much he loved me to all of his followers. He also sent me screenshots of the messages where he told May that he couldn’t be her friend anymore. He told her that he loved me and was serious about me only. Of course, I ate it all up. I mean, this is my man, he loves me, of course he would never hurt me. I was crazy, and just too overdramatic. Obviously, my man got my back; or, so I thought. 

Chapter Three: Turn The Cheek

As I look back and remember all of this, it just makes me realize how mentally and emotionally absent some people can be. Sonny was one of those people. His way of life truly confused me. I would see the truth but would delete it, copy his truth, and then paste it onto my mind. I did not think anyone would go so far to keep someone. I thought, if he loves her, wouldn’t he just leave me? But he would not let me go. There was no chance in hell. It makes no sense. How did he cry and beg, and beg, and beg again, then beg more for me to stay with him, and promise to change, and then go and do it again, that many times. Obviously, this goes back to my big heart, vulnerability and easily manipulated mind, because I should not have stood for this. You have no idea how hard it is to forgive myself for that. What’s even worse, this was only the beginning, not even a year of us being together yet. I just had so much hope that he would change.

Clearly, Sonny did not stop talking to May. There was even an incident where this girl messaged me saying, “He loves you and you only, I promise. Please don’t leave him. I promise I will leave him alone. I really care about Sonny as a friend, but for you both, I will leave him alone”. Yes, I believed the girl and had sympathy for her, which was pathetic of me. I told her they could stay friends, and obviously the same situations kept happening. This began to feel like a never ending cycle. Wasn’t she tired? Clearly he was with me. However, that can be turned around. Wasn’t I tired? Clearly he was not going to let her go. I hate to say it, but I saw him as a prize. I wanted to win. I wanted to be on top and show that girl how he loved me and could care less about her. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to feel as humiliated as I had been feeling. Eventually, I forced him to block her (Ladies, do not ever force your man to block someone, that is their responsibility. If they cannot see it's wrong, leave. If you do not trust him, leave.) which did nothing, because he always let her back in. 

Remember how I had mentioned an Internship at my church? Well, it was still going to happen… (To Be Continued…)

[attractionjapan]

Why I Stopped Dating Japanese Girls… And You Should Too!

I used to do it a ton.

  With a couple days a week for gym, and a few others for going out (either to bars and clubs or for daygame), I still managed to squeeze in probably 4 dates a week during a certain period of my game career. Sometimes I’d cram 2-3 dates in a single day, and other times I’d meet them late after work or gym.

  And it was great. I’d go out to restaurants, izakayas, bowling, batting cages, picnics, home dinner dates with wine, ping pong, rooftop terraces, boat cruises, matsuris, hanami viewing, fireworks shows, friends’ music sets, and pretty much everything I could think of.

  Dates are, after all, the main way people connect and get to know each other better and forge a romantic connection. They are etched into the collective unconscious through culture and society, with nearly everyone able to relate to typical tropes such as the awkward first few minutes, the deciding whether or not to have another drink, and the magical “first kiss” moment – a hugely hyped second in time where the act of leaning in just a few inches never felt so nerve-wracking, as if you finally got to discover whether you’d just wasted several hours or not.

  All in all it was a fun time and I don’t regret it at all. Dates are a total blast and generally how the rest of the world operates, at least romantically. I built a lot of skills regarding holding an interesting conversation, offering up interesting stories and topics, and digging into the reality of the person in front of me. Dating taught me patience, empathy, communication skills, cold reading abilities, and of course, boldness to make a move.

So why did I stop?

Ultimately, dating (especially several times a week, as I was) ends up taking a large amount of time, effort, money, and coordination over text. Flakes on the same day would ruin my time allotment, leaving my schedule suddenly free, and while I was perfectly capable of coming up with something else I needed or wanted to do, it still didn’t seem like the most efficient way to spend my time or connect with women.

  What changed?

  Somewhere along the way, I started to realize that I could simply sleep with women the first day I met them. The fabled SNL – same night lay – had caught my imagination. Now, when average guys hear about people pulling SNLs they imagine drunk girls whisked off from clubs – sluts and hoes blacked out and either purposefully putting themselves out to be taken home, or senses dulled to what was happening only to discover in the morning and regret it.

  Our society doesn’t really account for the fact that women want anonymous sex, and that more often than not, a far larger segment of (female) society is open to the idea. Perhaps they don’t leave the house with the plan of ending up with a stranger in a love hotel or banging in a karaoke-kan, but when presented with the opportunity in the form of a charismatic man who recognizes them for who they are, leads them effectively and engages them emotionally, and provides no risk to their friends, family, or workplace (who would likely shame them for their desire for casual sex), they might just take them up on it.

  My first daytime SNL was a huge rush. I had pulled from clubs and bars before, and to some degree pulling girls in the night time is something that society understands to be possible. The average joe realizes that women go to clubs and sometimes leave with guys they met that night. But the daytime? ABSURD!

The typical responses and doubts creep in for guys who hear tales of daytime SNLs (or even night time, for that matter):

  -They must be ugly

-They must be desperate

-They must be sluts

-They must have messed up relationships with their fathers

-You just happened to be exactly their type

  And while some of these may be the case some of the time, the vast majority of women I (and those I’m close with) pull from streets, cafes, bookstores, train stations, department stores, buses, convenience stores, and pretty much anywhere they exist are, by and large, better looking and less of the ‘party girl” type than those people often end up with coming home with from clubs and bars.

  Somewhere in the cobwebbed corners of my mind I remember the old joke/observation someone had about the popular video series, “Girls Gone Wild.” Trying to explain the allure and massive popularity of the series over something more straightforward like porn, they casually mentioned,

  “Why is Girls Gone Wild so much better than just normal porn, despite showing less? Because porn is just porn stars. They take dicks on a regular basis, and anyone can see it and find them without really any difficulty. It’s their job to do that. But GGW is regular girls, gone wild! They do it because they want to.”

  In many ways, this explains several trends in porn itself, such as the massive popularity of amateur home videos, camgirls, “girl next door” types, wife porn, cuckolding, and more. In other words, the regular nature of the girls, the fact that they are not professionally out there riding cocks left and right and instead are doing it because they just want to go wild makes those girls more exciting.

  Similarly, while you can find the occasional “good girl” out there in clubs, chances are these girls are the kinds who are getting wasted weekly and going home with different guys. Nothing wrong with that of course, and I will happily take a hot club girl home for a romp. But there’s something extra exciting about bringing a sexual encounter to someone who otherwise had no idea of the possibility before the day. Not a regular, a professional. Creating the opportunity for a normal girl to “go wild”, as it were.

  On the streets, you find the normally bookish girl who went to girls’ university and now works tucked away in some lonely engineering firm.

  The elegant housewife, married but unsatisfied, wandering the daytime streets of Minato-ku and Omotesando.

  The tourist girl visiting from Osaka, wandering around Tokyo with bags full of shopping.

  The cosplay chick who spends nights working as a companion in various sorts of attire but is internet-famous.

  The jazz singer who performs on stages around the country, but just happens to be free and in the area that day.

  While you’ll undoubtedly stumble across party girls and the same types as you’d find in bars and clubs (indeed, they have to walk on the streets to get to those bars and clubs!), your overall range of possibilities is much higher.

On top of that, most of the hottest girls I’ve ever hooked up with, I only had ONE chance with them, usually the first day I met them. Now, I’m talking about absurdly high-level chicks here. Booked out every day for months, rarely without friends or minders, celebrities or semi-famous girls with entourages, models… you get the idea. You’re welcome to try to schedule dates with these kinds of girls. And sometimes, it can work. Sometimes, it’s the only shot you get. BUT, if you happen to catch one of these girls with an hour or so free time before her next appointment, and you DON’T pull the trigger then and there, I’ll climb down your chimney and throw caltrops on your floor while you’re sleeping because that’s a damn crime. Keep in mind these girls meet dozens, if not hundreds of wealthy, cool, socially savvy and tuned in guys every week. Your five-minute approach on the street with a number close that has you feeling over the moon isn’t likely to stick in her memory as much as pulling and instantly banging her.

  “What if she doesn’t have time at that moment?” I hear you ask, “You still wouldn’t date her?”

  On a given day of gaming out on the streets, I’ll get anywhere between 5 and 20 new contacts. Often, I never even write them a single message. Most commonly, I’ll mass invite them to parties and events I’m going to and see who turns up. And with the very minor few who make a particularly powerful impression on me and I can’t get out of my mind, then I’ll schedule an actual proper date.

  On any given day, I have a pretty high chance of pulling a girl home (or to a hotel, etc) for an SNL. In fact, the critical point at which I stopped dating so much was when I realized that, accounting for flakes on dates and girls not wanting to hook up that day, I have a better chance of hooking up with a girl by ONLY going for an SNL than by scheduling dates at all.

  Now I’m not recommending you do this. In fact, for 95% of the guys out there, this strategy would be absurd and impractical. This is something you can only do when you have a massive abundance of girls and a decent ability to go out there and pull girls for SNLs. But I just wanted to share why I stopped dating Japanese girls.

Of course, the title is a *bit* misleading. In the last month I think I scheduled about 3 dates (all with those girls that I REALLY was excited about) from over 150 new contacts. But despite dating less, I get laid more than ever.

  And I just take the girls I’ve already slept with to all those places I want to go to (fireworks, dinner, activities, etc). It’s just easier that way. They show up more often, put out, and we laugh the whole time because the “wall” has already been broken.

  What about the rest of those contacts? They get thrown on the reserve list, to be pulled out when a friend wants to throw together a party and needs a bunch of girls to show up, or if I have a particular friend who suits one girl I might try to hook them up. I also periodically hit up a huge chunk of girls (perhaps 50 or so) on a night I’m out to see if they’re also out and want to come hang together. Often, this will lead to a spontaneous “date”.

  So in summary:

  -Dating is more expensive, takes longer, requires more follow-up over text, often has more things out of your control (illness / change of moods / sudden boyfriends) than simply SNLing her then and there

-Approach more, build huge abundance while at the same time pushing each interaction farther

-Inviting large amounts of girls to one single night or event is a good use of your time and leads to higher chances of hooking up

-Often the hottest & best quality girls are the busiest, so if you catch them with some free time, swing for the fences!!

-All other things held constant, you have more to gain by making a stronger connection sooner rather than later. Sex, of course, builds connection & breaks down barriers between people.

  Ultimately, this is the way I’m gaming these days. Live on the streets, go hard in the paint, and pull for the home run.

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from Attraction Japan http://attractionjapan.com/stopped-dating-japanese-girls/