#i think these ramble posts are working lol it feels easier to be subjective!!!!! which is good being angry at hypmic is exhausting lol Tumblr posts

[akkivee]

i care very much about stage mtc lol:

alan-san is very pretty lol like i wish i could say he’s the prettiest samatoki but that’s also a judgement based on the assumption that samatoki has given us anything under an 11 LOL

but he’s still a gorgeous samatoki lol

asanuma-san is a god tier seiyuu so anyone having to embody samatoki i doubt can capture what asanuma-san does with samatoki’s voice but alan-san’s take isn’t bad i don’t think!!!!!

like when he raps aggressively, it’s really cool lol

stage samatoki is like, the most emotional sad boy samatoki we’ve gotten and alan-san’s face sure does give it just that man just looks so sad sometimes lol

this is less to do with his samatoki and more of himself lol, but during a separate event unaffiliated with hypstage but featured a handful of them, he challenged akira-san to a video game on the basis that because both their names start with the letter 🅰️, they gotta throw down because there can only be one Ace in town and that was so funny he’s a goober lmao

asanuma-san made a very similar joke the year prior to that event and that’s how i know he shared the samatoki braincell LOL

throwback to the samatoki cross talk where he and asanuma-san had to guess what’s samatoki’s default pose on the official website. asanuma-san got it right but alan-san didn’t and upon getting it wrong, he attempted to run out from the venue LOL

mi…………….. mizue kenta sir 🥺🥺🥺

he’s slain many a human with that face of his and i’m not strong enough to fight it either lmao

juto used to have a modicum of coolness in the beginning and has been nerfed significantly over the years lmao but mizue-san’s juto is an old relic from those times lol

like it’s so funny to me both komada-san and mizue-san used to voice juto on a higher register but eventually deepened his voice as their perception of the character changed lol

mizue-san is legendary at video games and i’m not saying juto’s gamer status came from him but—

speaking of arb lol y’all know that one horn-knee bait juto card with the handcuffs????? mizue-san’s juto said hold my beer and showed the true hornee juto bait lol

like what do you mean he gets TWO solos where he tramples on and seduces men?????????????

there’s a scene at the end of track 4 where once that conflict had been resolved, juto quietly walked up beside samatoki, who was brooding to himself, and expressed an ice cold rage towards samatoki for leaving his team behind in that conflict that has stayed with me lol it’s probably the mtc moment i think about most

besides the rep live skit where samatoki gets falsely arrested but wants to stay arrested because rio wants to feed him so juto’s running back and forth confusedly trying to extend samatoki’s sentence LOL

RIO MY MAN IS SUCH A CHARACTER IN THE STAGE LOL

canon rio’s stoicism is surface level actually like stage rio is more along the lines of stern with a very heavy side helping of silly and i like to that it’s the version of rio canon rio thinks he is lol

that doesn’t mean stage rio isn’t cool tho like his rap game is no joke 😭👌

that part in bop2023 where they do a solos relay and as rio’s solo transitions to juto’s he goes, ‘juto, rock that shit’ and i lose my shit tbh LOL especially when you see that pleased smile on juto’s face pls!!!!!

byrnes-san is the brand of wasian that’s good at english and i enjoyed reading reports of rio’s english lessons during mtc’s rep live

and then to come back later in bop2023 hyping the crowd up with english their japanese audience didn’t understand so he scolded them for not studying it came full circle i want to cry—

[kalofi]

Hey mx lofi I know nothing about sk8 so could u tell me if it’s genuinely worth watching or legit just gaybait?

ok i have a few things to say abt this

i LOVE sk8 i thought it was such a fun and exciting show and one(if not the only?) shounen-y skateboarding animes out there so obv it has moments of skateboard skills that r just not humanly possible but its an anime so. lmfao. but overall it stays p true to the heart of skateboarding!! awesome animation cool characters (except. well. we'll get to him) and just an overall eye catching aesthetic ❤️ v cool v swag v epic

there is ONE character whom i hate so dearly 🥰 i hope to kill him until he dies hes basically the hisoka of sk8 in which he is obsessed with a child due to their "skill" but its played in an almost romantic way and he calls them the EVE to his ADAM (his name is adam btw). so yea hes a freak i hate him sm if shit like that makes u uncomfy just. steer clear of this show i know there were some parts where i had to pause and take a walk around my bedroom bc i was so angry and uncomfortable when he was in a scene

putting THAT to the side, the show is also p focused on the whole bromance narrative so there r limited female characters and the one girlboss we DO get just putters around for a few episodes then gets kicked out like wtf 💀 its not my biggest gripe but it made me a lil salty lol

but id say despite that it is a v worth while watch tbh!!! i had so much fun binging the first couple episodes, then consequently waiting one week for every new one BDJFKNSKDOD i got hooked real fast, the main characters (reki (reki my beloved) and langa) have such good chemistry they r so fun and sweet together and the ensemble cast is amazing too, joe n cherry n miya n shadow deserve the world and more. ALSO. sk8 has made me laugh out loud so many times there r loads of silly moments to giggle at 🙏🏽

now moving onto the topic of queerbaiting...

first things first. there is a post out there somewhere talking abt this in better detail but i couldnt find it so i'll try to put it into my own words. u shouldn't rly look at sk8 thru a western viewpoint of whats queerbaiting or not.

in the western world, while still not as prominent or accepted as cishet relationships, lgbtq relationships r a lot more present, mainly bc they r allowed to b. now this is not to say that its sooooo easy to make queer relationships appear on the big screen, they still face a lot of backlash from ppl even IF the entertainment industry has made good steps in being inclusive. with this im just trying to point out that while still not normalized completely yet, lgbtq representation is easier to produce/consume

in this way, i personally dont believe sk8 was gaybaiting or queerbaiting at ALL. pls feel free to correct me if im wrong, im not the most knowledgeable on the subject, but it is arguably harder to produce or animate queer relationships in Japan, especially if its meant to be a shounen-type anime.

thru claiming sk8 is queerbaiting by not animating their two leads kissing or confessing to each other or whatever, u r discrediting everything else that makes reki and langas relationship so special. no they do not profess their love for each other under the light of the moon, but they are shown time and time again to care very deeply for each other, to push each other to b and do their best, they are shown to b very physically affection, to have have a strong bond built not only on a mutual love of skateboarding, but a mutual respect for one another

if u RLY wanna get shippy tho (not judging) there are a few moments that rly cement how much they like/care abt the other sprinkled throughout the show. i wont get into too much detail to avoid spoilers, but while one of the main characters is talking to his mom, she thinks he is asking her how to confess to a girl when he says he "likes the person." the same main character tells the other he wants to "skate infinitely" with him. which is pretty gay in and of itself if u ask me

so, from all that, i would say the producers, directors, animators, voice actors, and everyone who worked on this show did the best they could in terms of getting the ship as close to canon as they could what with all the restrictions they had to tiptoe around. i was pretty satisfied with the ending (bar the small complaints mentioned previously) and i know a lot of other ppl were too!! again, deffos worth watching in my opinion

this got kind of rambly so sorry for that but i hope this clears some stuff up, and if u end up watching it i hope u enjoy!

p.s. if u truly r desperate for ship content (again, not judging) u can always check the dub and the content that comes with it! the english VAs r very vocal abt their love for the ships in the show so u can get ur share of that from there ❤️

[gottagobuycheese]

4, 5, 7 for the writing meme. Thanks!

(Writing meme)

Thank YOU for indulging me with these questions, and sorry for taking so long to answer! What is possibly my final finals season just about wrapped up, and I couldn’t think about anything else until it did (so fingers crossed it really has wrapped up lmao). So without further ado, here are some unnecessarily long answers!

4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

Ideas as in “I am actively working on this/making notes about it” or ideas as in “I have daydreamed about it at least once”? Because there’s…definitely way more of the second than the first lol.

But if we’re talking the former, then the thing that’s currently gripping my mind is a (hopefully) short post-true ending Undertale fic in which Undyne and Asgore catch up over tea and somehow get around to talking about the nature of human souls and what it what it takes to actually collect one (i.e. what it took to really, truly perma-kill a human). The problem is I don’t remember how much each character actually knows about the subject, so I’m rewatching a pacifist playthrough as “research” — and also falling back headfirst into the vast plethora of content that exists for the source material, predictably. It’s been a good few years since I was this fixated on it, which is great news for me because there is SO MUCH stuff to catch up on! (Tangentially, I guess it was kind of predictable, since I always seem to fall back into some kind of comfort video game around finals season, but usually it’s Ace Attorney, so this is new.)

In terms of the second, an idea that has been pretty solidly in daydream territory for a while is some kind of Stranger x Nobody Knows crossover fic in which (Senior) Inspector Han and (possibly former) Detective Cha cross paths for some reason. I have no idea what I’d want from it plot/content-wise, so I doubt it’ll ever be much more than a vaguely entertaining impression in my head, but I just think it’d be cool to see those two interact XD

Sadly neither of these things are the things I’m ACTUALLY supposed to be working on, so they probably (hopefully) won’t be done for a while.

5. Share one of your strengths.


Ah, one of my least favorite interview questions. Uh, I guess I have fun writing dialogue, and it definitely tends to come easier than other aspects of writing (like DESCRIPTION, blegh). Plus I have been told that it makes people laugh sometimes, which is usually my goal — or makes them feel Painful Feelings, which is my other goal that unfortunately rarely makes it to the publishing phase — so I will count that as a success! And therefore a strength of some sort.

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.


Oof, this is a hard one, haha. There is a subtle yet important difference between saying why you like something versus saying why you’re proud of something, but I shall try to veer more toward the latter since that’s the actual question.

As it turns out, being more comfortable with dialogue means that most of my stories end up being pretty dialogue-heavy, which I just discovered when flicking through fics to borrow a snippet from, but if we’re going with strictly prose, then this bit from a long-ish comedic Good Omens fic I still haven’t figured out all the plot points to was fun to write: 


In literature, funerals are often held in the pouring rain. This is because, in literature, authors can carefully describe how grief-stricken the attendees are, how their water-logged clothes, heavy and cold, cannot begin to compare to the weight of the sorrow that drags them down, how it pulls at their body, hangs from their shoulders and backs and legs and soul, begging them to join their loved ones in the ground. They can describe how the heavens themselves weep for the dead, that the earth, for once, pauses in its frantic flurry of activity, takes a moment to mourn what it has lost, and grieve for those who are left behind.

Of course, grief is complicated. Authors understand this. Sometimes the attendees are angry, and so the funerals are sunny, and the attendees are angry because the world dares to keep spinning on its axis even when theirs has ground to a halt. They are angry because the heavens won’t hide their tears for them, won’t admit they did something wrong, taking away someone who was so loved, so cherished, so good. They are angry because their heartache isn’t enough, doesn’t nearly encompass the gaping void torn in their reality, doesn’t do the dead justice. The earth and the skies and the seas ought to be mad with grief as well. Thunderstorms, gale-force winds, surging tides and shaking stone. How dare the world imply it’s no great loss?

Or maybe the funerals are held in the snow, because grief is cold and numbing and relentless, and no amount of warm soup or thick blankets or knitted mittens will make it better, fill the hollow misery the way one can fill a grave with soil and ice crystals. No one really wants to be there, socks soaked through and half-asleep from the chill, but sometimes you need to slog your way through those waist-deep banks of grief anyway, that frigid, dull, powder-white pain, focus only on how your teeth chatter and your fingertips turn blue and put all the rest of it aside for later, when it’s warm again. If it will ever be warm again.

Or perhaps the author just likes snow.

I get to ramble about some of my favorite kinds of weather for three paragraphs?? Count me IN

Anyways, I think it did a good job of keeping with the vaguely whimsical tone of the rest of the story, despite this being the opening to a (fake) funeral scene. And yeah, maybe it’s a bit excessive and heavy-handed, but it fits the context well enough and has some actual Imagery™, not to mention that it actually segues somewhat neatly into the next bit, so I think it did its job — which is all I can really ask for, so I’ll be proud of that! It’s a bit of a narrative reprieve from the dialogue-and-emotions heavy previous scene and the comedic shenanigans of the subsequent scene. Which would probably also be quite dialogue heavy, except for the part where I haven’t written it yet sjkdhfskf

[pansexualseaanimals]

Chapter 9 Sneak Peeks ‘Cause You Deserve It

Hey guess what? I’m still alive! I haven’t been writing for a while because these past few chapters have kind of been making me face things about my own life that I hadn’t given due time to address and manage (especially Pyxis and Rory’s thoughts on how parents can “love you but not want you”, and stuff said by multiple people in chapter 9, the one I’m still writing) so I kinda just dealt with those thoughts and came to conclusions and stuff in my own mind while I endlessly binged anime and video games. Not that I don’t normally do that, mind you, but I did it a lot more and not much else.

Luckily, I live in a wonderful gorgeous apartment in my favorite town I’ve ever lived in (the only town I’ve ever called home, in fact! At least, in this world!) and it’s super comfortable and I live with my best friend who is way too good of a roommate if I must be frank - I’d rather be Columbia, honestly - and life has been relatively super good, so like. Don’t worry! I’m so happy in my life the way it is! I’m back home in the Midwest, surrounded by beauty and friends who’ve helped me out more than I could ever ask (but I did, let’s not lie lol) and... I still have depression and I’m working on that and planning on getting a doctor soon, but... I’m starting new good habits, getting into things I’ve been wanting to try, and yeah... I’m rambling at this point so I’ll make the rest quick.

I wanted to give sneak peeks because it’s been SO LONG and I don’t know how many people really actually read this thing? Like, “I’m excited that there’s a new chapter” kind of peeps? But no matter how few there are, you guys all deserve something nice, and this was all I could think of. Instead of just posting one scene, I’ll post a few clips from a bunch of scenes. Everything is subject to change as I keep writing, so it might not match the finished product, but... That just means you guys are extra-special! Heehee! ^__^ 

Excerpts are below the read-more cut. Hope it’s enjoyable! 

\/\/\/\/\/

"Oh, I've got twenty-five coins for the sea show clanking in the backseat, whoa-oh. I've got thirty-two seashells lined up in a row..." Caurel happily sang as she covered the turquoise side in pink, pausing and hiding in a corner when she noticed Zebra rising out of the spawn pool. The younger Inkling, hesitant, flung her brush wildly to cover the pink ink and swam forward, repeating the process every few feet. When she dropped down to the valley, she triggered another Ink Mine, this time getting away just quickly enough.

  "Not falling for that again," they sighed... right before Caurel popped out of her corner and slashed her brush at her, sending her floating right back to the spawn point. Unable to keep from giggling, Caurel re-inked the entrance ramp and climbed up to the higher level, brushing quickly down the alley as Zebra respawned again.

  "And I'll swim, swim, swim, to my darling Martha... And let her lay me down in the bay where the warm winds blow~"

  "Are we singing the same song?" Penny shouted from the audience, loud enough to be heard over the stage music.

"'Martha's Bay' by the Seagulls?" Caurel shouted back for confirmation.

"I knew it! Ahhh, I love you!"

"I love you, too, Butterfly!"

"Boooo!" Rocky shouted as he took out Thresher. "Get a room!"

  "But their love for each other is like our love," Ankyr said with a wink.

"You really are a sea turtle."

  "Hey, only Pyxis can call me-" SPLASH! Ankyr fell prey to Bonnet's Heavy Splatling.

"FOR ANKYR!" Rocky jumped up and flung his roller down before rolling toward Bonnet - and getting caught in a freshly thrown Splash Wall.

  "I love it when he does that," Tiger squeaked.

\/\/\/\/\/

"What took you so long? Why did you trade Ankyr for these randos?"

"Rocky," Caurel sighed. "They're the friends we were supposed to meet today, remember?"

"Oh..."

"Guys, this is Rocky, our squad's leader," Pyxis laughed.

  "Nice to meet you," Carina said, stepping forward to shake Rocky's hand. "Don't worry, my 'boyfriend' will be back soon."

  "'BOYFRIEND'?" The entire crowd turned their attention to the charismatic newcomer.

  "It's just an inside joke," Pyxis hastily assured them. "You'd just have to be there."

"Yeah, he kind of saved me a lot of hassle," Carina shrugged.

  "My Sunshine has inside jokes with people I don't know," Moises thought out loud. "Not sure how I feel about this..."

"Well, you know us now," Hans piped up. "She's Carina, I'm Hans, this here is Shera, and the rude guy is Cygnus."

"I haven't said anything rude yet!"

"We all know you will," Shera said as she scooched over to Abbey. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm aromantic," Abbey said between sips of coffee. Their friends howled with laughter in the background.

"Aw, that's too bad... Are you... asexual, too?"

"They're not sex-repulsed, if that's what you mean," Pyxis jumped in. "That's not what asexual means, though."

"Sweet little Pyxis," Cygnus chuckled, patting his friend on the head. "Always here to educate her friends."

"...You mean their friends," Rocky corrected.

  "What? No. You too? Are all Squids okay with the whole fluid-gender thing?"

"You didn't even last five minutes," Hans sighed, covering his face with his palm.

  "Look, she was born with lady-parts, am I wrong or am I right?"

"Here's what I know," Rocky began slowly, stepping closer to the Octoling and staring him in the eye. "This particular group of friends respects what people choose to call themselves. When you're with us, you refer to Pyxis as they/them. If you can't handle that, you can swim back home."

"ROCKY!" Caurel grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him down to sit beside her. "They're our guests!"

"And Pyxis is family," he bit back. "Which is more important to you?"

"Wow, they really worship you around here," Cygnus laughed, turning to leave. "Do they even really know you? Your history? What have you been telling them?"

"Cygnus, get back here and act your age," Carina commanded.

"No thanks, Your Majesty."

  The crowd was hushed for some time, the noises of the audience around them and the battle down below, permeating their silent space.

  "Sorry about that," Carina finally spoke up. "I told him to behave himself. But he's... how do you say... stuck in his ways."

"He's only twenty-two," Shera rolled her eyes. "He's just a stubborn pufferfish."

"You okay, honey?" Hans asked Pyxis, who was too busy processing their own thoughts to realize they should answer.

"...I'm family?"

\/\/\/\/\/

And now, here’s Shera going goo-goo over more Inklings

---

“Vanilla? Is that a brand, or...?"

"Oh no, I just mean, the original one."

"So... Vanilla means original?"

"The basic form of something, yes. Regular. It's just slang."

"Who's the person with the gatling?"

"Ah, that's Pixie with the Zink Mini Splatling. Disruptor and Bubbler."

"Pixie..." Shera turned to where Pyxis was seated. "PIXIE!"

  "Yes?"

"I can never call you Pixie again! That's the name of my new future wife!" Ecto and Thresher couldn't help but laugh.

"...Glad to hear it?"

"She's actually dating Ty right now," Tandy pointed out. "Sorry, you'll have to look elsewhere."

"Darn."

"Great Overseer," Carina sighed. "Why are you so thirsty today?"

"I dunno, Queenie," Shera shrugged and shook her head. "Look. I had no idea Squidlings could be so attractive, okay?"

"I mean, she's not wrong," Hans laughed. "The first time I saw Ankyr..."

"YOU CAN DO IT, GUYS!" Pyxis suddenly stood up and cheered as loud as they could.

\/\/\/\/\/

And now for some good parents! Specifically, Ecto’s dads. Well, one of them. The other is busy playing Pokémon with Caurel and co. in the living room at this moment. They haven’t been mentioned much so far, but they’re great friends with the Waters (Waters’? Waterss?) ever since all the families met, and Rocky and Caurel hang out with them a lot.

---

"That's because you can look back on the past, apply your knowledge of the present, and cook up a better future for yourself. A new happiness. Again, one that won't last forever. And maybe it's not perfect. Maybe you burn your tongue. Maybe you let it go cold without realizing. But there'll always be more soup."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?" Rocky scoffed, throwing more tomatoes into the pot.

  "Not quite. There's one thing I've always wondered."

"The secret of life?"

"Nah, figured that out in college."

"What? No. Shut up." The two shared a laugh. Mister Plasma reduced the burner's heat and placed a lid on the pot, before turning to Rocky.

  "Back when you were in Coral Reef's boat... Why didn't you say anything?"

  "Well..." Rocky took a moment to continue. "Figured there wasn't any point, I guess. Can't help it if the person you have a crush on is gay. Like, if Pop was het, you wouldn't have the love of your life."

"Well I'm glad that's not the case," he said with a short laugh, before frowning and patting Rocky on the head. "Sorry, hon."

"It's fine. That's one of those 'just move on' parts in life. So I did."

"Ah..."

"Happened with Ankyr, too. But that was back when we were super tiny. Like.. That's a different kind of love. Baby love, I guess. But then again, we thought Ankyr was a girl back then. That was easier to move on from."

  "You just can't catch a break," Dad laughed. "Anyone on your mind these days?" Rocky thought a while before answering.

"I... Not really. I don't know, Oji. Guess I'm kind of giving up for now. I just wanna cook and take care of the ocean. Those are my loves. Well, I'll never get tired of Turf War either. I guess... that's it."

"And that's A-okay," the adult Inkling nodded, before yelling "COME AND GET IT!" There was a multitude of shuffling sounds from the living room as the young adults made their way to the kitchen. "Come see us any time," he said again. "We'll always be here for you."

\/\/\/\/\/

And that’s all I have for you here today, I wanna stop myself before I give away more than I might have given away... But yeah, working on that slowly but surely now. I was already about halfway-ish done with the chapter before I fell off, I think? Depends if I think of adding any more scenes than what’s already planned. So, look forward to that soon! Catch you on the flip side~

P.S.: As a reminder, this is the second-to-last chapter I’m writing; after 10 is over, we’ll be moving on to the second book in the series, which will hopefully have much better pacing and will definitely be a lot different, but still be about the lives of Pyxis, Ankyr, and their loved ones - that will never change. Some of your favorite characters might not be around as much in book 2, some might get a spotlight where they hadn’t before, and of course we’ll meet lots of new friends, and you’ll just have to decide what you think of each of them. :3 But I hope you have fun. Regardless of anything, thanks for reading. If you’ve read any of Look Alive, Sunshine, you have my Heart Containers, and my eternal gratitude. Please let me know what you think, if you’ve got the time. Love & hugs!

[retphienix]

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

<3

[tussive]

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject and some of them are touchy and I know many of my followers are trans.  I've never really spoken about most of this publicly, but I was just discussing this type of thing with @fresholivesfromtheolivebar and I thought having a place to organize my thoughts and get them out in a hopefully not too rambly/weird and mostly cohesive post.

I used to identify agender/non-binary for a period of time.  I've never identified as "male."  I don't understand men.  I don't get men.  They talk to me and it's like their way of thinking is completely foreign to me.  That isn't to say I'm not male.  I am very much male.  I was raised male.  I am seen as male.  I have been conditioned as  a male (possibly a faggy male lol) my entire life, including now, and that undoubtably affects how I perceive life and shapes my personality.  I've always mostly had women as friends, male friends generally I lost interest in talking to quickly, and I don't typically udnerstand their line of thinking/reasoning to begin with.

That's Colette quote sums it up really well for me.  "“I have nothing to say to men and never had.  Judging from the little time I’ve spent with them, their usual conversation is sickening.  Besides, they bore me.  I believe,” he hesitated, then concluded, “I believe I don’t understand men.”"

I have several male internet friends, but none who I'm especially close to.  We all go months without talking sometimes, but I do enjoy speaking  with them over shared interests.  William is the exception, but we have discussed these things at lengths and he feels almost (or maybe entirely) the same way as I do.  He doesn't really consider himsself "male" either.

I didn't like agender or non-binary or genderfluid or any of that, because I feel like they carry their own impressions that I didn't feel fit me.  When I was younger, I experienced a great deal of gender dysphoria.  I wanted to be born a girl.  Probably because I always got along better with the other girls school.  I spent a lot of time with my grandmother and her female friends.  My step-grandfather was in my life heavily and I loved him dearly, but I never connected with him on the same level I did with my grandmother.

I thought I may be trans when I was younger.  I looked into things, explored options, spoke with trans women and many of them were very pushy about transitioning.  I was under 18 at the time and one person actually threatened me with calling CPS, lying and saying I was abused, so I could go live with another family and could "be who I really was."

That experience put me off becoming trans a lot, if I'm being totally honest.  But also around that time I was questioning gender roles to to begin with.  Why are certain traits, behaviors and interests considered "female" and others are considered "male."  It didn't make sense to me.  So I just said fuck you to gender roles and started doing whatever I wanted and my gender dysphoria went away.  I still have aspects of my body I don't like and wish were different, but I think that's literally every human.  Mine may be based around my sex to a degree and wishing I looked more feminine, but the core of the problem is the same.

I went by  non-binary/agender for a while, but I didn't really love those because I felt like they came with their own implications, so I stil just called myself a male and would say like "male, kind of" or something when someone asked lol.  I generally say I'm straight, but I do find males to be sexually attractive, but I've never met a man who I was able to connect with emotionally on any level even close to resembling romantic attraction.  William is my only close male friend and I love him like a brother, not someone I want to put my dick into.  I know going by like "newer" more specific terms, I'd probably be like "agender/non-binary demisexual heteroromantic."  But I just feel like that is dumb.  I don't think a label needs to perfectly describe you, just give people a rough idea, personally.    

And like, I love trans people.  Let me say here, I do not view any issue with trans people and if they feel transitioning is their best shot at happiness, they should go that.  I am 100% believe in full bodily autonomy, you should be allowed to do anything with it that doesn't hurt someone.  I do think a minority of people have taken things with it too far and have started trying to "cancel" anyone who doesn't perfectly all in line with their idealogy, but the majority of trans people I've meant online and in person are not that, they just want to be happy in their own body.

That being sad, I do think a lot of "TERF" arguments are valid.  I think having spaces specifically for AFAB people is a good thing.  Being born male or female and raised and conditioned that way within a society WILL affect who you are as an adult, even if you were trans then and just didn't really realize it yet.  I like the "3rd gender neutral" bathroom idea, but I think it should go a step further.  Eliminate all multi stall bathrooms.  Every bathroom should be a single bathroom that anyone can use, regardless of sex or gender identity.

That all said, I view trans women as women.  And the above points aren't really fair to them,* I agree totally.  Like that is genuinely so shitty and my heart breaks for trans people who suffer through as much as they do.  It's not fair that it happens.  (Unfortunately a lot of things aren't fair.  Which doesn't mean "SUCK IT UP PUMPKIN" it just means shit is going to suck a lot and learning to roll with it is the best way to have any kind of peace of mind imo.  But I fully empathize.  I am no familiar with gender dysphoria.  And I still wish I was born female.

I just don't think transitioning is right for me because there's NOTHING that stops me from doing whatever I wanna do, wearing whatever I wanna wear, talking how I want to talk, etc as a male that I wouldn't be able to do.  So it doesn't matter all that much.  If other people want to transition, I fully support them and I think it should be easier for people to do so.

I love trans people, not to pull the "I even have some [x] friends!" card but basically every person I talk to regularly is a woman or trans/nb/queen/etc.  I do what I can to support them whenever I can.

I know some of what I said here probably comes across TERF-y, or whatever the male equivalent of that would be.  I don't claim that term, but I've been called it by random trans people online like hundreds of times.

If you feel like I'm a TERF or hate trans people or don't respect you or what you go through, by all means block/unfollow/message me to d iscuss it further.  If you unfollow, I get it, you won't offend me or anything.  Most of this is just me working out/posting my gender identity again because I feel good about it now really.  The trans stuff is just like there to try to add context of why I don't call myself trans.

(Kinda sidenote: honestly I've been calling myself "queer" more and more.  It's vague and doesn't give any specific impression other than "not cis opposite attracted person" and I think that's a good way to describe myself lol.)

Sorry this is long, sorry if this is confusing, I didn't proofread at all and sorry if this upsets you.  I'm happy to talk with you if you are upset about anything or if you just want nothing to do with someone like me, that's totally fine!

Anyway, if you read all of this, I tank you.  I know it's way too long but I just had some thoughts and feelings I felt relevant to things today and wanted to get  them out.

Love you. <3 Marcus

[threeletterslife]

CHjakldfjskANA I am lowkey embarrassed to say that I am confused by pt 2 of Ignis Fatuus ;-; I get what happens literally, but I'm pretty sure I'm missing out on all of the more underlying messages and what the ending is supposed to represent and what you were intending to convey ;-; I guess I'll just talk about parts that I thiNk I understood and hopefully won't make me sound like an idiot :D I really liked how the endings to both the dream and reality were paralleled,

but houf I was kind of exasperated in the beginning when everyone was dying on the hypothetical trip to the hospital. I always kind of felt like they would just let Y/N die, because logically speaking, even if they ended up at the hospital, none of them are really qualified to treat TSS so they would just be going on a suicide mission because as shown, zombies are e v e r y wh e r e :D So when it was revealed that was only a dream, I was like yAY thank goodness :,,) The part at the end before

Y/N dies when Jungkook corrects her saying “it’s did well and not did good” was a reaLLY nice way to end things though :,) jklsfjkls I don’t know, Chana pls send help+explanations because I’m definitely only understanding the very surface level ideas of Ignis Fatuus D: I think the very vEry ending though is a big part of the whole Ignis Fatuus thing though because back in pt 1 in Target Jungkook was like omg yes don’t worry Y/N things will be over and we’ll definitely be able to play baseball

again without any zombies around, but aaa Chana why are there thRee “endings”,, that’s making me think there’s something very elaborate about how all of the endings could be tied together/are related :,D 🌻 anyways I think? the first part to my ask might've not gone through because it didn't have the "thank you, your ask has been received" message when I clicked ask but o well :,) it was just me lowkey embarrassing myself because I am confused on the ending of Ignis Fatuus :,)

[SPOILER WARNING!]

GOOD NEWS! the first part of your ask WAS received!! and omg yes i totally understand ignis fatuus pt 2 was kinda hectic so lemme just clear up the confusion ✨

i think the whole ignis fatuus stORY is a bit hard to digest. the only ‘realistic’ element in the story is really that the members self-quarantined LOL. other than that, i really took inspiration from the office (though it may not seem like that). jungkook and yn are the only “normal” ones in the group of eight just like jim and pam were the only normal ones in an office full of crackheads LMAO. i just thought it would be cool to tell the story of two normal pple stuck with six other crazies (all equally obsessed with something different. i mean namjoon studying DURING the apocalypse?? seokjin obsessed with the kitchen? hoseok obsessed with his secretary??) and i chose to go for a very subtle romance so it wouldn’t overshadow the other dynamic characters

to elaborate on the endings!

the first one (the one that yn dreams): only in her wildest dreams would the seven men yn’s learned to love and live with DIE to save her. i mean, in a sick, twisted way, isn’t that what so many romance movies depict? the knight sacrifices his life to save his princess. it’s shit that only happens in your head. it’s tragic and stupid, yes, but also honorable in it’s own way. maybe yn subconsciously wanted all seven men to help save her life (even though it wouldn’t logically make sense). but maybe she wanted a knight in shining armor. i mean, isn’t that what media brainwashes women to think? yn’s dream is her subconscious acting up. she’s a helpless woman (sick from a mf bacterial infection that women mostly get) and she must depend on men to save her. but the end of her dream concludes that it’s not a matter of who saves who. some people just can’t be saved. yn doesn’t have a knight in shining armor. even before she got sick, she is a strong, independent woman. jungkook offers her emotional support, but he never outwardly saves her from any disasters. in fact, in part 1, yn is the on who saves jk. maybe, in yn’s subconscious, she wants to be saved. who doesn’t? it’s not a female v. male thing. being saved just means doing less work (and who doesn’t want that?). the savior, on the other hand, must go through the trauma and carry the responsibility of another’s life. maybe that’s why yn had her dream! another, more obvious reason yn’s dream turned out that way may be because that’s her worst fear—watching everyone she cared about die in front of her eyes (but also being too helpless to be able to stop it). she’s also afraid of dying alone, which she did in her dream. you’re absolutely right though! the second part of ignis fatuus is supposed to make you feel exasperated—frustrated and pissed, even. it’s just supposed to be nonsense, honestly. just stupid shit happening in rapid succession. it’s literally a fever dream. and also a dream carefully crafted by yn’s subconscious

a lot of the ‘deeper’ meaning is very subjective, though! and even as the writer, my analysis is still subjective. you can honestly analyze ignis fatuus in so many other ways. no analysis is wrong. and it’s also perfectly fine to have no analysis at all! 

the second ending (with yn actually dying) is easier to explain. it’s a direct contrast from yn’s dream where everyone was trying to be the hero. reality is different. even at the end of part 1, joon and jk knew that they wouldn’t be able to take yn to the hospital. yoongi even knew yn would die. they wouldn’t even think of such an outrageous idea to go to the hospital at all. they may have hinted taking yn to the hospital only to make her feel better, to make her feel safe. but they would’ve never actually done it. the plan was always to let her die in the house (as sad as it sounds). but there was really nothing left to do! as you said, none of them (even joon and tae) is qualified to treat tss (nor do they have the medical equipment to do so). the second ending is more of the closure that the first ending didn’t provide. yn wished to die in jk’s arms in the first ending and she got what she wanted in the second ending. but i still didn’t exactly think ending the story with yn’s death (tWICE) would be the best. something didn’t feel right. so i felt like i had to add the third ending for better closure

and you’re totally right! i connected the third ending to what jk and yn had talked about in target. this is essentially a glimpse of their dreams come true. something that didn’t necessarily happen, but something that the readers can imagine and feel at peace with. i thought it was good to wrap up such a traumatic part 2 with something lighter, something sillier and something happier. ignis fatuus is a mf roller coaster. and the title itself ‘ignis fatuus’ literally means something deceptive/deluding. i think part 2 encompassed that well

as for the purpose of this story? to answer the question you may be having, “if yn died after this whole ass journey,,, what was the mf POINT?” maybe there isn’t a point. maybe there is no rhyme or reason. maybe i just told a story as it is. kind of like a reference to waiting for godot but on the less indifferent side. BUT! i would honestly argue that there IS a point! i think the relationship yn made with the seven very distinct men is special. the seven of them are depictions of very stereotypical men. a nerdy med school student, a grumpy bus driver, an impatient businessman, a spoiled daddy’s money lawyer, a scaredy-cat cop, an obsessive chef and a too-perfect-to-be-true baseball player. i think part 1 is interesting to see how the eight of them have created this synergy together. it’s also interesting to see in part 2 how yn twists the men’s stereotypes to fit in the fever dream narrative

ignis fatuus is one of my more depressing stories. i had the idea since january of 2019 so i spent quite a bit of time thinking about it before i decided to write it. i didn’t think i’d end on a lighter note, but i’m happy it turned out that way. 

aNYWAYS sorry this turned out so long 😭😭😭i guess i rambled too much again oOPS. but i swear you’ll get a break from all this depressing writing LOL. i’m not posting another official story until january 15th! (and GOOD NEWS that story is going to be FLUFF!) 

as usual thank you sm for such a kind message 🥺🥺

[cold-neon-ocean]

Concerning the comics, do you dislike Thanos himself or the Black Order's previous (?) affiliation with him?

A mix of both but primarily the former. Thanos is my least favorite fictional character in existence so I’ll always grind my teeth at The Order’s subservience to him seemingly without much reason in the earlier comics aside from “they’re evil and Thanos is the biggest evil so they worship him!” because to me it’s boring. I don’t like god-mod characters and Thanos is the epitome of that trope. “He’s so powerful that only gets defeated by the heroes because he subconsciously wants to lose as punishment, isn’t he just the most tragic villain ever ;A;” gags

Regarding The Order’s affiliation with him I don’t.. MIND it, in fact I do like it as a set up for their coming together, I just wish it was written where the characters had some more agency and Marvel would actually allow them to move on once he’s gone. Admittedly with the Thanos 2019 comics they did seem to attempt this (despite how many holes it poked in the known canon among other things), and I liked some of the ideas presented, mainly The Order starting out as hired mercenaries with Proxima and Maw, I loved that a lot, and how their loyalty is conditional so long as they are benefiting from the partnership (maybe not as flip-floppy as they were in the comics) and are willing to dip out if they aren’t. THAT I really like even though that was clearly never the case in previous comics lol. The problem is that I- love Proxima SO MUCH, and I hate Thanos SO MUCH so my brain doesn’t want her anywhere near him, especially as some mindless lackey because she deserves better lol. Also my issues could stem from my primary introduction to The Black Order came from the MCU where they are VASTLY different characters than what they are in the comics, and far less developed so I had a lot more room to headcanon and make up my own stuff about them freely before I started looking into them in the comics (which could also explain my mixed feelings about how they’ve been written lately in the comics post-Thanos). I do want to preface that I don’t have a complete knowledge of The Order’s history because I can’t find complete lists of all the comics they’re in. Though from what I can find I’ve read most of their content if I’m not mistaken, but I’m sure there are some more obscure minor appearances that maybe explain some things that haven’t been listed anywhere that I’ve missed.

If I were to throw in my input and talk about MY rendition of The Black Order which is how I choose to write them based on my own personal tastes in my side AU where the Marvel Universe is much less CONVOLUTED(the same AU all my Ronan and Crystal content exists in), I have things set up jumping off the initial ideas of Thanos 2019, where the mercenary group Maw and Proxima were in were initially hired by Thanos, with Cull (I refer to Black Dwarf by his MCU name because I like it better lol) and Corvus being added later. And the affiliation is very conditional from The Order’s perspective. The Order are always watching and judging and gauging whether or not the partnership is worth maintaining, Maw and Proxima especially, and even though I try to write for Thanos as little as possible because I hate touching him and only do what’s absolutely necessary, he can feel the pulls of their defiance at times (with Proxima ESPECIALLY) and has to really think about how he holds onto them, hence the change from hiring adults to kidnapping children who are much easier to condition. Think of them as akin to the hyenas and Scar in The Lion King, loyalty and a willingness to do as they’re told until they stop benefiting from it (though the fear of being hunted down and killed for disloyalty keeps them there as well) and later on realizing, and some having known from the beginning, that they’re meant for more than just being servants and want more for themselves. But that’s in my perfect would. 

What I mainly don’t like about how The Order were written under Thanos in the canon is that they’re just lackeys with not much to them, we know nothing about them like when or why they joined (prior to Thanos 2019 ofc but even then we still don’t knew when or how Cull and Corvus came into the picture), just that they did and that’s all that matters. They’re there because they’re evil and that’s about it, they’re blind followers with not a single thought going on in their own heads. That did change over time of course but The Order are STILL functioning under a “what if Thanos comes back” basis, like they’ll have no choice but to go crawling back to him whenever/if he does because that’s just what they do? I knew Marvel would never keep Thanos permanently dead in the comics like they said they would lol I called bullshit on that from day one. When Maw mentioned Thanos’ return in Star #5 I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of my mouth because I KNEW that was coming (though I do appreciate how Proxima didn’t give a single shit about it lmao). There was also something said preceding the Black Order solo comics in 2019 about how Corvus will still ALWAYS choose Thanos above all else, even his wife and brother, which made ZERO sense??? and also I wasn’t sure why this needed stating when Thanos was canonically dead in the comics following the statement that he’d be perma-dead. It felt like they just weren’t gonna let him grow as there was always that possibility they’d bring Thanos back and send The Order right back to him, undoing all the development they’ve done without him like they’ve done before. I remember when Thanos made Corvus kill himself after he returned and formed a new Black Order and Proxima just... didn’t react to it, though this seemed to be retconned after the universe reset so I’m still confused about that. I also think about how in the Death Sentence novel (and I know this kind of exists in it’s own separate universe but just discussing the overall mentality of writing The Order), again Corvus in particular is written like he needs someone to lead him or he can’t even properly function and he even has a full blown emotional breakdown when he realizes Thanos is back and I just… hate it. Him and Proxima “needing” Thanos to be their god and lead them it’s just stupid and weird and I can’t stand it. I remember Proxima even makes an internal statement about how Corvus falls apart when he doesn’t have someone leading him???

So my main issue in regards to Thanos’ affiliation with The Order as it’s written in the canon is that they’re written as if they can’t do anything without him, ofc this is all before the big universe reset with The Challenger where Thanos is supposedly dead for good but we all know that isn’t true. They were given some agency when they were on their own but with the mention of Thanos in the recent Star comic I have… little hope for them remaining their own thing. They talk about how they don’t want to be servants and how they want to do their own thing then the writers have them fall right back into their old beats of being servants for someone and chasing infinity stones and worrying about what T fucking Hanos will think when he comes back and I just…….. want more for them. I want them to be more fleshed out as characters and have actual ambitions and goals that align with their actions. Because they’re such interesting characters that I genuinely love(well most of them) and have a lot of potential, and I want to see them grow and develop and actually follow through with what they say and not get dragged backwards every time the plot requires them to. I’m still catching up on all my Black Order related comics (there aren’t a lot of complete lists of their appearances out there for me to refer to sadly but I’ve read most of the major ones I believe) but all I really want is for them to finally and actually be able to move on from Thanos. Especially with Corvus because (prior to Star #5 which I’ll expand on in a sec) it makes him look fucking stupid to have him default to “we chase the infinity stones because that’s what we do” after having them talk in previous comics about about how they want to be different and work for themselves, and Black Swan is like “chasing the stones has only ever made us miserable, whymst are we doing this???” and have her bring up valid points about how they don’t need to and Corvus is still just like “nope, nope we gotta.” and doesn’t even explain why. And now apparently that ‘why’ is because they expect Thanos to return? Or at least Maw does? I choose to believe that Corvus wanted the reality stone because it could give them some protection from a possible return of Thanos and allow them to stay together and do as they please like they want. To “forge their own reality” as Corvus said in the Death Sentence novel ironically, that would at the very least be a reason to continue infinity stone hunting that I’d be on board with.

I dunno, lol perhaps my lack of the full scope with missing a few things from sporadic comics and just my own personal views and tastes regarding the characters clash a lot with how the canon wants to portray them and at the end of the day that just is what it is lol. I didn’t intend this to get so long and.. rambly, the subject of Thanos in general gets me on a soap box and I never know how to get off aah. But yeah I hope that made some semblance of sense? The main gist of the story was really that sentence about loving Proxima and hating Thanos so I just naturally want her nowhere near him; and it was actually that affiliation that put me off of The Order for so long before I finally saw the light and realized they’re all vastly more interesting characters than he is LMAO. But I’m gonna stop because this just hit it’s 3rd page in my google docs and I’m starting to get embarrassed wheezes :’D

[nyandereneko]

strawberry, cherry vanilla, and key lime for heiiii

fhileshfels thanks you know how much I love him...I’m just gonna get right into it

strawberry: before getting together, how did your F/O realize they had a crush on you? How did they act around you once they realized they were head over heels?

HHIFHSELFHES YOU...YOU WOULD DO THIS...YOU WOULD BRING THIS TO MY DOORSTEP, JUST LIKE THAT, AND CONFRONT ME WITH THIS TOPIC??? THIS TOPIC THAT I LOVE AND LOSE MY MIND ABOUT AND WOULD DIE FOR, THE SUBJECT I’VE ALREADY DEDICATED LIKE 3 FUCKING 4THS OF MY COGNITIVE RESOURCES TO THINKING ABOUT AND DEVELOPING FOR THIS SHIP...not to beat a dead horse, since I know I’ve already talked about this in at least a handful of posts AND threads because I have no concept of self restraint, I will do my best to summarize it short and sweet...which I’m already sure won’t go well and even now as I type this sentence I know I’m still rambling BUT: I am so sucker for love at first sight...even if he didn’t realize that’s what it was, or even if he did, and he just shrugged it off like “well, that’s something I may deal with later, if I deal with it at all, because clearly it’s not going to be a substantial problem I'll have to bother continuing to worry about in the future...” I’m sorry sir but you Cannot escape your fate that easily. But Hei is a good actor...and also decided early on, much like a character like Shirou, that it didn’t matter if he had feelings for me/we had feelings for each other because it was too dangerous/stupid and there’s no way it would end up working out...too bad I’m the type that just!! Won’t leave things alone lol!!! But I don’t think his behavior would overtly change that much. He’d probably do little things to be extra nice/show he cared out of impulse and then he’d internally berate himself like “no!! no you aren’t supposed to do stuff like that you’re leading her on!!” but that’s okay because ultimately we both led each other on right into a relationship fheislfjelsfs TRULY. THE BIGGEST FOOLS.

cherry vanilla: how does your F/O show their affection for you?

hfislhfles much like most of my other f/os...I just really love those small but very significant/meaningful gestures of affection and also lots of physical reassurance lol. And I feel like he would be happy to indulge those expectations/desires. Holding hands even when doing simple things or just like sitting next to each other, exchanging little nuzzles and kisses even just as passive reactions because it comes so naturally to us now. Reminding each other through words and actions that we’re always thinking about each other, or doing little things to show that we put each other first...I know there’s not a lot of specifics there but like, the ~vibes~ are easier for me to think about than the actual acts sometimes, since I feel like the acts themselves can get pretty cheesy/repetitive fhieslhfe like you know, couple stuff tends to be pretty predictable...at least imo, sometimes. 

key lime: how would you describe your self-ship’s aesthetic? 

This is another question I feel like I’m never really properly equipped to answer hfileshfes but anything to do with space, stars, the night sky...naturally, I associate that kind of stuff with this ship, although to be fair those themes also come with the territory any time Nova’s involved. But it’s even more fitting in this case lol. Also just like, darkness in general, not just because of the anime but because of all the doubt and confusion and secrecy pre-relationship...fog/shadows that obscures both thoughts and feelings. Various shades of darker purples, blues, black. And small lights like candles or starlight that push the darkness back just a bit, just enough that we can huddle around that little light we’ve found, but it turns out we actually just cultivated it together...the little flickering flame of our love and connection to each other :’) now that I’m done embarrassing myself I think that’s a pretty decent answer fhielsjfeslfes

[annepanman]

gif tutorial for anon!

hi everyone! an anon asked me about how i sharpen my gifs and i got a bit carried away in my answer so i decided to just turn it into a tutorial oop. 

disclaimer: i’m still a beginner, so some of the stuff i do might be a bit weird! also, two of the “tricks” i use i did not come up with/figure out on my own, i linked to the posts of the original creator’s in the step. 

so my settings do vary for each gif, but in this tutorial i just go through all the general steps i use for each gif i make, so hopefully it’s at least a bit helpful to someone!!! there’s a lot of images bc i’m a visual leaner so sorry if you’re not!!!🥺

for this tutorial you will need: 

- photoshop + basic photoshop understanding. - a way to download videos.  - patience with my ramblings. - i think that’s it?

ok here we go!!! so.

step one: the first thing you do is find the video you want to gif. i’m gonna do this one:

i use clipgrab to download videos of the youtube, which i downloaded for free from right here.  i haven’t gotten a virus yet, so it seems safe. it works for youtube videos and instagram videos, but not twitter videos or vlives. 

there’s also Y2Mate which is online and does the same thing, but i think for only youtube videos - i also can’t completely vouch for it because i’ve never used it, but i think it should work just fine! you can find it right here.

IMPORTANT - make sure that your video is as high quality as possible. you can either change that on youtube by clicking on the gear in the play bar (right next to cc box). usually videos are automatically set to 720p, which is pretty good, but i like to bump it up to 1080p when there’s the option to! note: clipgrab usually does this automatically for you, i’m not positive about Y2Mate and other online converters. 

step two: copy the link into your converter. make sure that the quality is where you want it, then hit “grab this clip” or “convert” or whatever the prompt is and it will download onto your computer. save it wherever you want to that you’ll find it, i usually just save it to my desktop so that it’s right there for me. 

step three (optional): i like to crop the video down and do a primary editing on imovie just so it’s easier to manage when making the gifs. this step isn’t necessary, but if you have imovie or another video editing app, i would suggest it!! (you can also slow down the video here if it’s too fast to make a good gif!)

here’s a before and after shot!

for me, i literally just click the “magic wand” or “auto-adjust” tool. but you can already see it makes a big difference! 

so now i also use iMovie to crop down to the gifs i think i want to use. it makes things easier to be precise when using photoshop. 

step three and a half: export your new mph. once again, make sure the quality and resolution is bumped up to your liking!

step four: so now it is time to use photoshop! open up a new document. you can set it to whatever dimensions you like, i typically prefer 500x281, but it doesn’t actually matter because it will automatically resize to the size of your video lol. anyways, once you have your canvas open, go to file -> import -> video frames to layers. 

depending on if you have more than one gif in the movie file, you can either crop it down or just import the whole thing. since i have to gifs in this file, i’m going to crop it. 

step five: okay, full credit to this life saving post for the next step!!!! i was stumped on how to edit all layers of a gif at once for quite a bit of time, which is why some of my earlier gifs are a much crustier looking. anyways, op explains it much better than i ever could, so i would suggest just reading their tutorial for this step!!!

step six: so now that you’ve combined all your gif layers into a smart object, it’s time to edit them!! the adjustments i typically mess around with are image -> adjustments. i almost always adjust the brightness/contrast, vibrance, hue/saturation, and selective color. i don’t have specific settings for these (sorry if that’s not helpful!) because it really does depend on each individual gif! sometimes my adjustments are drastically different for gifs from the same video!! i’m perfectly happy to help troubleshoot for specific issues if you need help, but it’s hard for me to give a blanket tutorial for this part :)

also remember to not whitewash poc when adjusting the settings. please don’t do this!!!! it’s also possible to correct whitewash w/photoshop, so just fool around on the settings until the subject’s skin tone is what it should be. 

step seven: after adjusting your gif to your liking, now it’s time to actually sharpen. for steps 7 through 10, i use a trick from this amazing post to sharpen! so now that you’ve adjusted all your layers, do control/command click on the layer and choose duplicate layer. this will make a copy of the edited gif. 

step eight: on the original layer, go to filter -> sharpen -> smart sharpen. once again, every gif is different so depending on the size and quality of your gif, the sharpen settings will be different. the larger the gif is, the more you can sharpen it, which is why i like to wait until the end to resize it!

step nine: on the copied layer go to filter -> blur -> gaussian blur. again, the amount of blur will depend on your gif. this step just smooths it out. don’t worry if it looks blurry, because it’s supposed to! after this, still on the copied layer, go to filter -> sharpers -> smart sharpen once more. 

step ten: cool! now you’re going to lower the opacity of the copied layer! i usually put it at about 30 percent!

step eleven: go to file -> export -> safe for web (legacy). this is were the resizing goes! so for this particular gif, i didn’t have to crop it or anything. so the only think i do to resize it is make it 500x281. this size usually ensures it will be small enough to upload to tumblr, and it is a ratio of most standard sized videos so it works perfectly!! 

and voila! 

i’m so sorry if that was very long and/or hard to understand!!! please feel free to ask any clarifying questions!!

[lumina-chronicles]

The Lumina Chronicles (A Writeblr Intro-Post Thingy)

Okay so, I love character asks/tag games and interracting with the writeblr community, but I realized I only sporadically talk about my work and my characters. I figured it was high time I compile everything in one easily accessible post. 

I’m not entirely sure the best way to go about this so I’ll try my best. Have mercy on me and please feel free to ask any questions you may have! 

This is going to be a stream of conscious BEAST so I appologize in advance for any and all typos, and for all the times I’ll no doubt bounce around and probably forget things. In order to not clutter up dashes and make everyone hate me, everything will be under the cut :) 

_____________

THE STORY

(credit to the amaaaazingly talented mari_gdraws on instagram for this stunning cover. Go commission her, its worth it.)

First thing’s first, this is a Portal Fantasy. If you don’t know what that means, think Alice in Wonderland, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Wizard of Oz, any story where someone from our world gets transported by magical means (usually by accident but not always) to a fantasy world. 

Second, I have been working on different variations of this series for over a decade. I started writing the first itteration of this concept when I was a 13 year old weirdo who thought I was the greatest thing to ever happen to writing. (Hint: I wasn’t. I still am not, but at least I’ve grown enough to recognize that.) I may share snippets of the original 2009 draft sometime, but be warned its steaming hot garbage. Good for a laugh though. tl;dr, I’ve been working on this story for too long, but these characters are my babies and I refuse to quit until I give them the story they deserve. 

ELEVATOR PITCH 

MAGGIE is a college girl who just wants to paint, stuck in a fantasy world with more ties to her life than she realizes. KINDLE is a wayward dragon dealing with PTSD, an obsessive fairy queen, and a stalling rebellion. ELLE, who wants nothing more than to find her missing best friend, is stuck babysitting (not literally) an angel (literally.)

^^^^^This is the really bad summary I have up on wattpad. The story is so much more than this but I’ve never been good at simplifying, hence 100k+ words of novel. 

WHAT THE STORY ACTUALLY IS

Blood vs Bonds. (What really makes a family?) 

A central cast who were children during a massive, life-altering war, now trying to pick up the pieces. 

Found Family goodness out the wahzoo. (There is a mermaid adopting you as we speak. Her name is Faye and she’s your mom now, welcome to the family.) 

A fox and a tree dating. They’re lesbians. I love them.

Not at all thinnly veiled bashing of imperialism, nationalism, and racism.

A few heavy concepts that I feel don’t get enough attention in media (pm me if you’d like to know since I don’t feel comfortable elaborating here, I’ll provide trigger warnings before explaining anything in-depth.)

The greatest bromance of all time, between a tired gen-Z nerd and a literal angel who doesn’t know how electricity works. 

Said literal angel becoming obsessed with pokemon. 

A moody dragon who loves to bake, and his ghost bff judging your every move. 

A dozen angsty conversations masquerading as a fantasy novel.

On the subject of masquerades, one of those happens too. What can I say, I’m weak. 

The slowest of slow burn ships. 

Time travel shenanigans.

Me, pouring all of my love and tears and blood into one singular project for over a decade, unabashedly celebrating every trope I love and telling the story teen me needed. 

_____________

THE WORLD

So this is the map of the “known world” for the planet I refer to as Ragilora. This name is never used in the canon of my stories and it stems from an inside joke, but its a lot easier to say than “*gestures vaguely* The Planet.” 

I am one of those authors who writes several unconnected series all set in the same fictional world, but for now, since I’m only talking about the Lumina Chronicles, we’re focusing on thiiiiiis chunk of the map right here: 

This chunk of land (which 13-year-old-me dubbed “The Shadow Realm,” 18-year-old-me expanded to the “’much more impressive’ Realm Under Twin Shadows,” and 22-year-old-me just refers to as “The SR”) is the only location we pay any attention to in the Lumina Chronicles, which (surprise, surprise) focuses on the conflicts between Lumina and the territories surrounding it. 

Important side note, Ragilora has two moons, hence the “twin shadows” thing. The moons come up a lot over the course of the story, especially since one of the cultures (Nox) believes their queen is a reincarnation of one of those moons. 

MOST IMPORTANT LOCATIONS

LUMINA

The human kingdom ruled by the Lousvar family. Self-important racist a-holes who took over most of the realm during the Orphaner’s War nine years ago. King Jareth Lousvar (the aformentioned Orphaner) hasn’t been seen in years, so who’s really running the nation? Your guess is as good as mine. That’s a lie, of course I know. 

IGNUS

Once the private, gorgeous desert home of the dragons, ruled by the Danthragnir clan. They were the main targets of the Orphaner’s War, and now Ignus sits as mostly unoccupied ruins. The dragons who surived the seige now live in hiding or are enslaved in Lumina. Their religion is my favorite of all the cultures in the story, and I’ll talk to you about it if you want, but I don’t wanna ramble here lol. 

NOX

The queendom of the fairies, not rules by any particular family. The current queen in Lydia D’Norse, Queen Lydianna Chrysanthus D’Norse, Mother of Her People, the Moon Made Flesh. This is the territory of magical moon-worshipping lesbians. Fairies are great, they’re my favorite race in the Lumina Chronicles. 

SPECIES/RACES

Human- Just your standard, magic-free human. Identifiable by their brown eyes. Any skintone/haircolor that can be found in nature. (A rare few have other colors for eyes, but that just means they aren’t fully human and will probably be shamed for this fact.) They hail from Lumina. Average height 5′9″.  Average lifespan 70-80yrs.

Dragon- Generally dark skinned with dark hair, identifiable by their Firestone (a comination of red/orange/gold/black that shifts and flickers like flames) eyes. Basically firebenders who can transform into the giant, winged lizards you think of when you imagine dragons. Almost all dragons have black scales in dragon form, though some have dark red or a sandy brown. From Ignus. Average height 6′6″, Average lifespan 80-90yrs. 

Angel- Generally pale skinned with either black or blonde hair, identifiable by their blue eyes and the fan of feathers behind their ears. Angels are a highly intelligent, long-lived species with massive feathered wings (either irridecent black if they have black hair, or white if they have blonde hair.) All angels have perfect recall and photographic memories, which is helpful for their self-imposed job as the Realm’s unbiased recordkeepers. They soulbond (explained in more detail further down.) From Aeterna. Average height 6′, Average lifespan 180-200yrs. 

Merfolk- All varieties of skintone and hair color, identifiable by the colorful scales around their green eyes (and the eyes themselves if living in a situation where scales ahve been forcibly removed.) While preferring to live out the majority of their lives underwater, merfolk must travel to land to reproduce. While on land, they have legs. As soon as their feet come in contact with water, they go back to having a tail. All merfolk wear skirts on land regardless of gender (could you imagine wearing jeans and accidentally stepping in a puddle and then your legs try to form into a tail with the fabric between them? Ouch.) From Siaboras and the surrounding waters. Average height 5′4″, Average lifespan 70-80yrs. 

Fairy- Generally pale skinned, all fairies have long pointed years, silver hair, and violet eyes. While they no longer posess wings, all fairies have the ability to produce a mind-altering magic known as “venom.” This venom is administered to a target through contact with the fairy’s skin, and can produce results ranging from euphoria and hallucinations to severe pain, memory alteration, and even death. Results depend on the specific fairy and the dosage of venom. A pregnant female fairy can produce a hazy purple cloud of venom outside their body to better protect themselves and their unborn child. Use of fairy venom as a recreational drug is outlawed (doesn’t stop fairy dens from popping up all over Lumina’s slums though.) From Nox.  Average height 4′9″, Average lifespan 45-50yrs. 

Shifter- All varieties of skintone and hair color, some that may not occur in humans. Identifiable by their golden eyes. While dragons mostly occupy their human form and can shift into giant lizards, Shifters are animals who can take human form. Their human form in some way resembles their animal form. Most prefer to be in their animal form and only take human form for the purpose of hunting larger prey or communicating with other species/variants of shifter. Others have chosen to completely integrate themselves into non-Shifter society and spend the majority of their time in human form. From the Wildlands. Average height 5′9″, Average lifespan 70-80yrs. 

Dryad- All dryads have brown/bark-colored skin and leaves for hair. Depending on the type of tree they come from, the length/thickness/color/style of this leaf-hair can vary. When a tree has fed off the magic of the realm for long enough, they develop the ability to take on a human form, and can shift between that and their tree form. They can feel emotion and learn language just as all other species/races, but they tend to be slightly more detached by default. From the Wildlands. Average height (in human form) 6′, Average lifespan uknown. A dryad will live as long as their grove lives. If their human form in destroyed, they can be replanted and will eventually regrow. 

OTHER IMPORTANT INFO

A few notes, mostly on sexuality in the Shadow Realm: 

- Bisexuality is considered to be “the default” just as heterosexuality is treated in our society. There are still people with preferences for one gender or another, but most just assume that if you don’t specify otherwise, you’re bi. 

- All angels are some variation of Ace/Demi/Gray-sexual. They mate for life in a process known as “soulbonding” to the first person they are sexually intimate with, literally joining their lifespans and spirits forever. 

- Soulbonded partners can communicate telepathically and access a shared memory-bank, including access to skills and languages. 

- It is perfectly valid for an angel to choose never to soulbond, and some choose to soulbond with a beloved friend rather than a romantic partner. 

- Dryads have no sex organs and are genderless by default. Some choose to present as feminine/masculine or use pronouns, but that’s a matter of preference and not neccessity. 

- All species can interbreed, but there are no “mixed-breeds.” Meaning if a dragon and a mermaid were to reproduce, the results wouldn’t be a mer-dragon  with the abilites/traits of both parents, the resulting child would be either a full-dragon or full-merfolk depending on the sex of the parents. 

Expanding on the above point, each species is either male or female dominant, with dominant meaning which sex of parent determines the species of their child with interbreeding. Dragons, Shifters, and Humans are male dominant. Angels, Merfolk, and Fairies are female dominant. Examples: 

Male Human + Female Dragon = human child (with red-tinted brown eyes) 

Female Human + Male Dragon = dragon child (with slightly duller firestone eyes)

Female Human + Male Fairy = coin-toss child (because humans are male dominant and fairies are female dominant, this duo would cancel each other out and the child would either be a fairy or a human.) 

_____________

THE CHARACTERS (aka the real reason I made this masterpost) 

all character art by needlessly_cryptic

NARRATORS

The three protagonists of the series. Maggie is our portal-hopper, having travelled from our present day world to the fantasy world of the SR. Kindle is one of the few surviving dragons and has never known any world but the SR. Elle, also from our world, spends the whole book in our world trying to figure out wtf happened to Maggie, while also dealing with Marc (an angel from the SR who came to our world around the same time Maggie vanished.) 

^ Magdalyn, she/her, Human, 20yrs old. Heterosexual. ^

^ Kindle, he/him, Dragon, 22yrs old. Asexual. ^

^ Estelle, she/her, Human, 19yrs old. Bisexual. ^ 

ELLE’S PARTNER IN CRIME 

Formerly of the Abandoned Order, now trapped in our world with no idea what to do or how to get back. He gets his own segment because I can’t really put him anywhere else. (Those are feathers behind his ears.) 

^ Marcellus, he/him, Angel, 20yrs old. Biromantic Asexual. ^

THE ABANDONED ORDER 

A ragtag group of former war-orphans and child-soldiers trying to pick up the pieces after the war’s end, and finding the strength in each other to take back their stolen home lands from the oppressive kingdom of Lumina. Kindle’s family. Maggie’s... well she’s not quite sure. 

ALLIES

^ Faye, she/her, Mermaid, 26yrs old. Bisexual. Soulbonded to Seraphim.^ 

^ Carlyle, he/him or they/them, Ghost (former human), forever 20yrs old. Biromantic Asexual. ^

(A note on Carlyle: they can only be seen/heard by Kindle and later Maggie.) 

^ Pina, She/her, Mermaid, 17yrs old. Lesbian. ^

^ Em, She/her, Dryad, ???yrs old. Lesbian. Married to Inari. ^

^ Rhiannon, She/her, Angel, 24yrs old. Biromantic Demisexual. Soulbonded to Isidor. ^

^ Izzy, He/him (trans), Fairy, 23yrs old. Heterosexual. Soulbonded to Rhiannon.^

ENEMIES(?)

^ Lydia, she/her, Fairy, 18yrs old. Bisexual. “Soulbonded” to Seraphim. ^ 

^Ser, he/him, Angel, 25yrs old. Biromantic Asexual. Soulbonded to Faye Lydia.^

^ Jakoby, he/him, Shifter(snake), 27yrs old. Lydia-sexual. ^ 

^ Nar, she/her, Shifter(fox), 23yrs old. Lesbian. Married to Emrys. ^ 

LUMINA

The children of the victors. Are they all as bad as their parents, or will they become part of the change and strive towards a better future? *shrug* 

^ Cas, he/him, Human, 20yrs old. Bisexual. My son. ^ 

^ Rainette, she/her, Human, 17yrs old. Heterosexual. Betrothed to Favaro. ^ 

^ Juju, he/him, Human, 24 yrs old. Gay. Bodyguard to Prince Cas. ^

^ Tobi, he/him, Human, 18yrs old. Bisexual. Bodyguard and boyfriend to Princess Raini. ^  

^ Ander, he/him, Human, 21yrs old. Gay especially for Julian. ^ 

^ Favaro, he/him, Human, 22yrs old. Asexual and Aromantic. Betrothed to Princess Raini. ^

PRECIOUS CHILD WHO ISN’T INTRODUCED UNTIL BOOK TWO

^ Khatalanya, she/her, Dragon, 16yrs old. Lesbian. In love with VENGEANCE. ^

_______________

IN CONCLUSION

this really was a dumpster fire lol. If you would like to know more about specific characters or races or aspects of my world, feel free to ask! I’m gonna link this to an easily accessible part of my profile somehow. But yeah, mostly just admire my children. I love them all, even the horrible ones. 

[ferran-ranch]

Introduction: Collin’s Team

I’m told because Collin has a larger team, we’ll all share a post? Hopefully we don’t ramble too much! Hi, I’m Racer! I’m Collin’s ponyta, his first pokemon, and we’ve been together for five years, and I was born seven years ago. We bonded while Collin worked with my parents in the rapidash chorale, and I just found him interesting and approachable. I’m not much of a fighter, and neither is he, so we make a good team, I think. Similar personalities.

We’ve traveled together for four summers, networking, catching new teammates, and learning more and more about how to run a business and keep up to date on all the latest news and discoveries.

I may not be big on fighting, but I do want to evolve, just because it’ll only benefit me, Collin says I’m close based on the small, almost indiscernible bump on my head where my rapidash horn will grow it. I’m not in any rush though; I’ll get there when I get there, and I know Collin will be right there with me when I do.

Hi, I’m Gary, Collin’s flaaffy! He caught me as a mareep, which I guess helped inspire my name? I’ve been with him for four years now.

Collin isn’t my first trainer. I had a trainer before him, but only for a week. He caught me, trained me, sent me to battle in Falkner’s gym, and then released me when I had finished with the fight. I had been kind of lost and scared after that, and I had gotten stronger for sure, but being in the wild after working with that... ‘trainer’ was rougher, somehow. It felt like I didn’t belong anymore. But Collin caught me a couple months later, and I’ve been with him ever since. Honestly, I feel blessed just to have Ferran Ranch to relax on, and to have a stable, safe home to live in.

I’m trying to get stronger, steadily, but truth be told, I’m not a big fighter myself. I just... Feel the need to improve constantly, so I’m never too weak to keep. Collin’s told me time and time again I’m here to stay as long as I’m still comfortable with him, but I don’t know. Part of me will always be that worried little mareep, even though I know Collin doesn’t even like battling that much.

I am Aristotle. I am a natu. Collin is my trainer.

I like to observe things.

Goodbye.

Heh, Aristotle has always been pretty lame. My name is Shady, the cooler bird on Collin’s team, caught at pretty much the same time as Aristotle, just a bit later, and also the only girl. Lame, right? Could be lamer; least I know I’m the prettiest girl of the bunch.

Collin caught me ‘cause I was bothering him for nights on end, kyehehe. He had a bunch of shiny shit, and I wanted that to be my shiny shit, ya know? His stupid sheep paralyzed me and he caught me, and I decided ‘hey, may as well’. It has made it much easier to steal from him, being his pokemon and all. Unfortunately, somehow it also made me like the guy, so now if I take something and he gives me ‘the look’, I gotta give it back. But I still get away with enough, kyehehehe.

I’m basically in this for a good time. If I get bored, I might leave, but with all the action around here, all the pokemon and new trainers popping by I can harass? I figure I’ll be around.

I’m the coolest of Collin’s pokemon, never forget that.

Good ‘morrow, fairest traveler! I am the one known as Sir Bean (Shady: It’s. Just Bean.), I am of the quagsire variety, and I am the final member of Lord Collin’s team! I am adept at the ways of water and mud, and I rule the pond of the ranch! The ranch pokemon all must answer my riddles, or be plagued by the angry water spirits I control!

Lord Collin hath had me in his court since the wee beginning of two years prior, and I have served his lordship ever since! He hath raised me from a lowly wooper, de-armed by the forces that be, and given me new power as a quagsire! I shall always be in his service, repaying him for his loyalty to his subjects, and assisting him in his control of his kingdom to be!

If you shall ever need me or my knowledge of many, many things, simply visit the pond in the middle of the ranch territory, and your queries shall be answered, if you can answer my riddles three!

((OOC: Oof, I had to type this up 1 and 1/2 times cause I accidentally killed it the first time, lol. Anyway, Collin isn’t a main character so I’ll discuss him less unless asked specifically about him and his pokemon. In which case, I would absolutely love to talk endlessly about his idiots, lmao.))

[bretthowden]

hi il your gifs! can you give a tutorial??

Wow thanks so much! 💖💖Under the read more, I managed to put together a gif tutorial that I (hope) makes sense. Let me know if you have any questions. I rambled a lot in this and wrote most of it at like 1:30 in the morning, so apologies in advance if it gets weird lmao.

Keep in mind, I have been using photoshop for years, but I really have only been making gifs for like, 8 months and I still think I can improve in soooo many ways. But, that being said we all gotta start somewhere!

Let’s make a gif!

Alright, y’all. Let’s make a fucking gif. You will need:

Photoshop. Kind of a given lol. I use Photoshop CC 2018 and I pay 9.99 a month for the photoshop/lightroom package that you can get online from Adobe. I used to use a downloaded version that I found on tumblr for the longest time as well. So if you don’t want to pay monthly, there are free versions out there that work. Just download at your own risk!

A basic knowledge of photoshop. In this tutorial, I’m just gonna assume you have used photoshop before and know how to use its basic features. If not, I’d recommend finding some beginner photoshop tutorials to help you out! Also you can totally feel free to shoot me any questions if you need me to clarify anything, and I’ll do my best to answer them!

Patience and practice. Making gifs can be frustrating and tedious sometimes. If you don’t love what you’re making or aren’t having fun with it, it can be really difficult. I literally love making gifs for some weird reason, which is really the number one reason why I make them. Also, remember that every gif isn’t gonna come out perfect. I make so many gifs and then look back and think ugh that coloring was awful wtf was I thinking?? But it’s important to keep practicing and keep at it because that’s how you’re gonna get better!

Alrightyyyyy let’s get started!

STEP ONE: Download your video. You’re gonna need the video of whatever you’re trying to gif saved to your computer. If you’re giffing a video from youtube/social media or something, there are a bunch of different websites out there that will download videos for you. However, I’m a fucking weirdo and usually just screen record whatever I want to gif because I just think it’s easier. I use Quicktime to screen record which is included on Macs!

We’re gonna be making a gif of my angel rookie Brett Howden for this tutorial. I just screen recorded his postgame video that I wanted to use and saved it in 1080p.

[PRO TIP: Keep in mind, if you want your gifs to look nice and HQ, it starts with a high quality video, and that means, using videos that are 1080p. I very rarely will gif anything in 720p, unless it’s something I really really want to gif, and I def won’t use anything below 720p because it just looks really low quality no matter how much you try to edit it, imo.]

STEP TWO: Open photoshop and go to file -> import -> video frames to layer and this window will pop up

These are the settings I use. I choose selected range only so that it will only select what I want it to, and not the whole video. I also limit to every 2 frames because for the most part, using every frame is unnecessary. See those little toggle icons at the bottom of the screen that I’ve circled in red? Drag those around to select what part of the video you want to gif. Then click ok.

Here’s what you’ll get once you hit ok.

As you can see, your timeline with all your frames are on the bottom. On the right are all the layers!

STEP THREE: Select all the frames, and set your frame delay. The frame delay basically just controls how fast or slow your gif is gonna move.

Select all the frames and click on the bottom of one of the frames (where i’ve awkwardly circled in red) and you should get the dropdown menu shown above. Click other. I almost always choose 0.07 for my delay because it’s not too fast and not too slow and that’s how we want our gifs to look, right? 0.07 is a good starting point and you can always adjust slightly if need be. I wouldn’t recommend going below 0.05 because it’ll look way too fast.  

STEP FOUR: Convert that shit. We’re gonna convert to a video timeline by clicking the button in the lefthand corner of your timeline window. I’ve circled it in red. Make sure all your frames are still selected!

Then we’re gonna convert the layers for smart filters. This makes it easy to edit and color the gif because it’ll basically condense all the layers into one. Select all your layers and go to filter -> convert for smart filters. Bam, converted.

STEP FIVE: Crop and resize your gif!

Tumblr has specific dimension sizes that are pretty important when cropping your gifs, so you’ll have to decide what kind of gifset you’re making. If you’re making a gifset with just one gif across (example), the width needs to be 540px. If you’re making a gifset with two gifs across (example), the width needs to be 268px. The height doesn’t matter and can be whatever ya want!

For this gif of Brett I’m going to be cropping it to 540x270 (my personal standard gif size that I use for gifsets with one gif across). After that, go to image -> image size and adjust the width and height to 540x270.  

After all that crap, we’ve now got a very basic, unedited gif!

This gif looks okaaay, but looks kinda flat and plain and dull. Which brings us to……

STEP FIVE: The most important step, sharpening and coloring.

To sharpen your gif, go to filter -> sharpen -> smart sharpen

I use the same settings as everyone on this website which is this:

This is what the gif looks like now. Brett is looking SHARP. 

Sharpening is so important and it’s literally the best like look at how much better this gif looks already!! But we still gotta color it.

Coloring is a different ballgame than sharpening. Everyone has their own preferences on how to color and what they want their gifs to look like. There’s no right or wrong way to do it imo, as long as you like the way they look! Some people like really bright, vibrant gifs with whites so bright they’ll blind ya, and some like gifs with more muted colors. My personal preference depends on what I’m giffing and the lighting. If you look through my gifs you’ll see that my coloring changes depending on if it’s an on-ice video, a locker room interview or something else.

When I first started making gifs, I downloaded different psds from tumblr, which are basically just colorings you can download and use on your gifs. They’re a really great starting point if you have no idea what you’re doing and also just super convenient. A quick google search “tumblr psds” “tumblr photoshop resources” or even just searching “psds” on tumblr, will give you tons of stuff to choose from.

Anyway, if you’re not gonna use a premade psd, the two biggest settings that I use to color (and as a beginner they’re really the only settings you need to use) are brightness/contrast and selective coloring.

First, we’ll add some contrast. Go to layer -> new adjustment layer -> brightness/contrast. For the most part, my brightness/contrast settings stay the same and look like this:

My contrast almost always is set to 60. I’m all about high contrast in my gifs. My brightness setting is set to 0 in this gif because it’s already bright enough (just look at the light reflecting off Brett’s forehead lmao) Oftentimes I’ll set the brightness to 10 or 11 if the gif seems too dull or dark, but I usually won’t go higher than that. Just play with the setting until it seems right to you!

This is what it looks like now:

Looks good! But it still looks pretty yellow and Brett’s face is still too bright. This is where selective coloring comes in. Selective coloring basically helps you enhance or change specific colors in your gifs. It comes in handy a lot with videos that have shitty or weird lighting (looking at you, Rangers video department). 

Go to layer -> new adjustment layer -> selective coloring. Like I said before, every gif is different so there’s no one specific way to set your selective coloring settings. My biggest thing with selective coloring is making sure the subject doesn’t look too yellow/red and enhancing the darker colors to create more depth/contrast. Play around with the colors until you like what you see!

And this gif is done! Brett looks beautiful and so does this gif. But we have one final step

STEP SIX: Save your gif.

To save your gif go to file -> export -> save for web (legacy) and this window will show up.

For your gif to work on tumblr the file needs to be under 3M otherwise when you post it, your gif will be frozen and won’t move and uh, that’s not ideal. The lower left hand corner will show you how large your gif is. Mine is 2.817M so we’re good.

Finally, please, please PLEASE make sure your looping options (found in the lower righthand corner) are set to forever.

If you don’t have your gif set to loop forever it literally will stop moving, so it’s real important you remember to check that it’s set to loop forever. One time I forgot to do that and now there’s a dumb gifset of Nolan Patrick that only loops once and then freezes and I didn’t notice it until it already got a bunch of notes and it’s just out there on fucking tumblr dot com and it drives me crazy and makes me so mad that I forgot to loop it. So don’t be like me and remember to loop your gifs! lol.

Anyway that’s the tutorial! I hope this helped! Again, sorry it’s so long and full of rambles. Remember you can ask me ANY questions you may have and I’ll do my best to help! 

[zzztomato]

Back

Lol, I’m back. 

I was really, desperately, in need of a place for me to write just about anything without getting judged or ridiculed by others. The thing is, the worst judge is me. Anytime I tweet or retweet anything, it just feels wrong.

The fact that I tend to talk about multiple topic in one time is something that I’m very much aware of. However, this is how my brain works these days. I do want to focus on one thing, and talk only about that. Then only I move to other topic. This is NOT what happens in my twitter.

Look. I’m a fan of various animes, c-dramas, danmeis, manhua, manhwas, mangas, you name it. SO following multiple accounts that specializes in the topic that they chose is very useful for me; I get to enjoy various updates at once, rather than hanging in just one topic and tiring myself while waiting for an update. Does this make sense? If it doesn’t, then be it. I myself will not be able to decipher the whole post later, you’ll see.

Anyways, I’m a HUGE fan of #shanheling these days. The world of c-dramas is kinda unexpected for me. I start by watching donghua (TGCF <3) and I was intrigued to read the danmei. Lo and behold, I fell in the danmei rabbit hole. Starting with TGCF, I start reading SVSSS and MDZS [because when you start with MXTX, the flow is for you to read her novels first then you venture out by yourself]. 

For MDZS, I started with the donghua first and I was not impressed at first but the story hooked me in. I start reading the manhua. Then I found out that it has a c-drama, The Untamed, or Chen Qing Ling, CQL for short. At this moment, I was thoroughly impressed by the way the story progresses so I said, why not? Boy, I was not ready for it.

You see, CQL set up is in xianxia world. Imagine my surprise when characters started to hurl their incantations from out of nowhere. Dammit, that caught me by surprise. I was not impressed and I stopped watching after 2 episodes  (=.=‘). I did say that I watched the donghua first, right? As always, the world of animation never seems out of place whenever something weird came up. I can just pass it all as, ‘well, it’s cartoon. it’s not real,’ kinda crap. But when real-life Wei Wuxian start using his spells or when Lan Wangji attacks using his guqin, my brain still hasn’t caught up with the story.

So I stopped watching although it was a widely famous and successful c-drama. Time passed and I found myself exploring more and more danmei. And I am slowly adding my knowledge on xianxia, wuxia world. Learning fun trivia and stuffs. Those really help on my understanding of chinese culture (although it is not comprehesive) but still, I am now enjoying those things that I found ‘weird’ before. I found my former self as weird now.

As I said before, I followed some accounts that specifically post on danmei updates. They start updating on a new drama, Shan He Ling, and adaptation of Tian Ya Ke by priest. I haven’t read the novel so I was not inclined to watch. After a course of few weeks, I saw a user tweeting a short cut of SHL from episode 2, if I’m not mistaken. Oh boy, I was instantly hooked. Wen Kexing in white hanfu, fanning himself from the top, watching Zhou Zishu... (rather, he’s watching how his schemes are going)

Me, watching this cut for the first time,’It was this moment that I knew, I f**ked up. I am now down the SHL hole!!’

It was a very short clip but it has convinced me to start watching. I LOVE every second of it. I’m not a huge fan of drama, most likely because it needs a huge amount of concentration and I have none of that. But episode 1 was intriguing. Then the iconic episode 2 just swept me off my feet. I binge watched the whole 12 episodes that was uploaded by Youku at the time. I am still watching, currently waiting for episode 31. I can say that I was very proud of myself that I discovered this gem.

Time and time again, the trivia regarding SHL just make me love the show even more. The fact that both Gong Jun and Zhang Zhehan were not the first choice to act as Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu, respectively, blew my mind. They did a great job portraying the characters. When the characters are sad, I wept. and when they’re happy, I grinned so hard, lollll. Oh, and this drama have relatively low budget compared to other historical drama, a fact that I read from Chinese diaspora users on twitter. The team did their best with what they had. Tbh, the whole show was very beautiful; the scenery, the hinting, the way it was shoot. I should write another post on this.

SHL is depicted in wuxia world; a genre that I can adept to easily. There must be qi, kungfu, immortal masters but it is easier to digest in my opinion. Then again, I have learnt some very basic knowledge bout this by now, which is why this is such an enjoyable show. Although it is also because both wkx and zzs are very good looking, I can’t peel my eyes from them.

Now that I enjoy watching SHL, I decided to continue watching CQL. There are still some details that just make me itch watching it. From the woozy cut to very orchestrated movement of a group of people, I have learnt to actually prioritise the story, rather than these small things. So now I’m watching both CQL and SHL. I think it is not that I can’t watch c-drama, it is only that I was not a fan of the xianxia genre. Though if you throw me a xianxia danmei, I will gobble it all up as long as it has enough angst and BL.

Rambling on this topic is just very relieving for my poor heart. I do want to fangirl on my twitter but my knowledge is very shallow and I don’t have anyone that I know from the fandom. They seem really fun but also close-knit..? I’m aware that I can RT and maybe reply to their tweets but the second option makes me feel self-conscious; I have very very limited knowledge on the subject matter and what’s more, I didn’t really know the hidden context. What’s more, I haven’t even read TYK. My understanding come from SHL alone. I heard that SHL is a good adaptation and ofc it is vastly different from TYK.

That’s it for now. Maybe I will write a second part on my thoughts later.

[haydenstudiesblog-blog]

I decided today would be a good day to clean out my book bag (or am I just procrastinating editing a paper that’s due tomorrow?), so if you’re into it...

What’s In My Bag Challenge!

I’ve never done this before. I took pictures of everything I found in my bag, so I’m just going to include, like, literally everything I found. Since I’ve actually never cleaned out this book bag in the 3 years I’ve used it for college. PS I’m organizing this post by the different pockets of my bag (there are 5), I’ll explain what I found, and provide pictures below each description with the appropriate items in the picture. Let the fun begin!

Laptop Sleeve: My laptop is the only thing in my laptop sleeve, unless I need my charger for it then I’ll shove that in there as well. It’s a MacBook Air, and I got the case for it off of Amazon. It’s a hardcover case, not a sleeve type of thing. I’m just now realizing that’s kind of a crappy picture, so apologies.

Tiny Pocket (a random shallow pocket probably meant as a built-in pencil case or something (now that I think about it maybe I should use that as a pencil case omg)): This is where I’ve started keeping my post-it notes, since the pocket is shallow and not much else fits in there (something money) so the post-its don’t get crushed or bent or something. I tried to buy pastel colored post-its at Target, and this is as close as I could get. Part of me was really into the studyblr aesthetic of Pastel Everything, but another part of me just prefers the pale colors because it’s easier to read the writing on them. Also I love pastels.

Main Pocket: This is the magical place where I keep all of my books, notebooks, homework, etc. First, I pulled out this scene v. summary exercise I had to do for my nonfiction writing class today.

Then I pulled out my grey dotted Leuchtturm writing journal (which I’m LOVING by the way).

After that are 3 of my textbooks, one for my nonfiction writing class and 2 for my critical writing about literature course. I won’t go into the long titles of each textbook here, but if you’re super curious about what books these are feel free to shoot me an ask or private message me.

And finally (from this pocket) we have my super basic 3 subject black spiral notebook for notes in 3/4 of my classes (my nonfiction class consists of me taking notes in my writing journal and scribbling notes inside my textbook), and we have a course packet for my critical writing about literature course. This just contains a bunch of readings we have to do that require us to annotate the heck out of, so our professor developed her own course packet with the readings inside so we don’t have to run around finding a printer every other day of the week.

4th Pocket (because I can’t think of an identifying name for it): In this pocket we have four things. First, we have a tiny little coin purse that actually has change in it and I’m a little shook (yes it’s my money but I’m a broke college student and it’s money I didn’t know I had so win). Below that, yes, that is a flask. No, it does not have anything in it. No, I do not have it in my bag for those stressful days full of classes where I feel like I just need a drink. I actually purchased this last November(?) when I was visiting my boyfriend and we wanted to go tailgating before the football game and...yeah. I’ll let you fill in the blanks. Or just ask me about it if you’re curious, hopefully I won’t get in trouble LOL. Anyway, to take it back home with me I stuffed it in this pocket of my bag and forgot about it. It’s chrome and changes color in the sun between green purple and blue and I love it a lot. The notebook is full of letters to my boyfriend. Last year I started writing to him in a notebook because it would calm me down. My boyfriend has a habit of trying to fix all of my problems, even if he can’t (cough cough depression and anxiety) so I made it a habit to write to him when I really needed to talk about something at length and knew he would just want to fix it or not know what to say. The plan was to fill it, but I haven’t written in it since before last summer, which I consider a good thing actually. Lastly we have that book, which I just found at home and brought back to school with me. We talked about both of these stories in a class last week and I remembered reading them and wanted to read them again, and I didn’t even realize I owned the book until last weekend! So I packed it and I want to read and annotate it when I find time.

Front and Final Pocket: Honestly this pocket just has a bunch of crap in it. But I’ll go through it all anyway. Here, we have my cheaters. I’m convinced I need glasses, but the last time I got my eyes checked they told me I don’t need glasses (and couldn’t help me with the problem I’ve been having, which is so irritating). I got cheaters and without going into full-on detail and making this post longer than it already is, they helped me a lot.

Here we have a tiny little binder clip that says “Reminder” and an old receipt from when I bought some books at the bookstore. There’s a folded post-it note with a shopping list on it, 3 business cards from people I worked with last summer at my internship, melt-aways for headaches because I can’t take pills, some tissues (not used I swear), some random little tiny black plastic things that came with my wireless earbuds I think, and my iPhone earbuds with the adapter plugged into it since I have the 7.

Here you can see my cheaters peaking in at the top corner haha sorry. I have an old receipt at the top, and MORE of those little black plastic things (WTF). A crushed box full of band-aids, a pair of gloves, a foldable ruler, and the bottom handle part of an umbrella (the rest of the umbrella is missing).

A bunch of pens and a pencil and a highlighter, blank notecards I didn’t know I had and another thing of post-its! The deal with these colored pens is that last semester I bought them and they worked great in the beginning. Flawlessly. I tried using them this semester, and they’re jumpy now. I’m not sure if I just used them all up, but I don’t think I did because I only used a couple of the colors and this semester I tried using the ones I hadn’t used as much last semester and they were acting jumpy. So idk what that’s about, I’ll be throwing those away though. Maybe I’ll try a new pack. That black pen is my favorite, I use that to write in my writing journal and sometimes to annotate and to take notes in class. That purple pen (with the cap) is what I use to annotate along with that purple highlighter. I like my highlighters to match my pens when I annotate, and all my other highlighters were too bright or too dark. This purple is pale enough to not be overwhelming on the eyes and the purple pen matches great. And I just found that pencil, I’ve been wondering where it was, so now yay I have a pencil. Great timing since I have an exam next Friday.

Lastly, we have these 3 things. The bottom left corner are 2 notecards I used to test pens for you guys last semester, some of the pens above actually. These last two items are pretty special to me. First, the card on the top is the thank-you card my boyfriend wrote my family after his graduation from high school. We gave him some pretty awesome gifts (ask if you’re curious, won’t go into it now) and he sent that thank-you. We had it hanging up on our fridge for a year and finally I decided to take it and keep it with me all the time because I think it’s really sweet. If you can’t read it here, feel free to ask what it says I’m more than happy to share. The blank square of paper on the bottom right is a birthday letter he wrote me last year. I kept it folded up because I’d like to keep it as a special thing between the two of us for now, but he’s just really special and I like to keep some of these things with me all the time.

So there you have it! Sorry that this is so long, I tend to ramble a lot. Aside from the obvious trash, I’m probably going to keep most of the stuff in this post, just maybe now in my book bag. If you have questions about anything you see feel free to ask, I’m a pretty open book and I like my followers to feel like they can get to know me. Now I guess I should stop procrastinating and start editing that paper...

Hayden

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 5

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

“It was awful!” I rambled, anxiously pacing around my living room. “Oh god, it was going so well and then it just fucking - ah!” I rubbed my hands together, my mind buzzing horribly.

“I didn’t know Hollywood Hills had business hours,” said Jack, who was sat on the couch. “Did you get a fine?”

“No, but I did have an anxiety attack,” I groaned.

“Oh no.” Jack sat up. “What did Ethan do?”

I cringed as I remembered the irrational crying and hyperventilating. God, it was so embarrassing and stupid, I was trying not to reduce myself to tears. “Nothing. He didn’t know what to do! He just rubbed my back and told me to breathe!”

“So he didn’t do anything wrong?”

I shook my head. “But it was so stupid! Everything was perfectly fine until I ruined it!”

Jack then stood up and went to me. “Hey, it’s okay. You didn’t ruin anything, and I’m sure Ethan told you the same thing.”

“Yeah, and how long will it be before he gets tired of it? How long do I have before he starts rolling his eyes at me?” I asked, knowing exactly how insane I sounded, but I couldn’t stop these thoughts from spilling out.

“You need to trust him,” Jack firmly said. “And it sounds impossible, but it’s not. It just takes time.”

I sighed. “I don’t want to be afraid of him. I don’t want to run away from him… I don’t want to be sad anymore…”

“I know. You won’t always be said, you have to know that.”

This was exhausting. How long was I going to be like this? When would I stop being such a stick in the mud? When will everything just stop?

Jack gently hugged me as I started to cry. I wanted all of this bad stuff to be over. I wanted to give up, I wanted to stop fighting. It was more tiring than just being depressed and anxious all the time. At least I know what to expect with the latter; It was easier to stay on the ground.

“No one said recovery was easy,” he told me. “You have to take the good with the bad. And you have to remember that this is only the beginning. You have plenty of time, and you have plenty of people who want to support you.”

I didn’t realize that I had said any of that out loud. I didn’t care. None of this was worth it. It was always going to be this way.

“No, it won’t,” Jack reassured. “And it’s completely worth it. You’ll have your good days and bad days. That’s how you can appreciate the good.”

He kept telling me these things as I cried Things were hard to hear. My knee-jerk reaction was finding a reason to stay in my private, comfy sinkhole of depression. In that moment, I couldn’t believe that I could get better. I was broken beyond repair.

However, once the worst of it was over, I wondered why I acted like that in the first place. Yes, Ethan and I got a stern talking-to by a Hollywood Hills security guard, but it wasn’t that big a deal. Yes, I was trying to get my shit together, I had done this before in the past. I knew from prior experience that I couldn’t just expect everything to be better overnight… as much as I wanted it to be like that.

~

I had forgotten how consistent you had to be when it came to communication in relationships. Ethan sent me a text a few days after the Hollywood Hills incident that made me feel kind of like an asshole.

“Hey, you’re not mad at me are you?”

Of course not. I’ve just been too exhausted and embarrassed to talk to specifically him. How does one say that without sounding crazy or rude?

“No lol I’ve just been kinda busy,” I typed before sending. Then, as an add-on, “Sorry for the silence.” Then I realized how cold and distant I sounded, so I sent some emojis following my two messages. That was three. I just triple texted.

Although, Ethan didn’t take ten years to respond this time.

“Okay, just making sure. Besides that, is everything okay?”

How can he tell? What did I say? Was I really that obvious? Was the storm cloud above my head actually visible? I was hesitating. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I didn’t want to be a burden either.

“Sometimes I’m bad at keeping in contact, even if it’s people I really like.” I sent it before I could panic.

My heart pounded as I read his reply.

“Aww… I’m the same way lol… I really like you too.”

FUCK. ABORT. RUN AWAY!

“Ay, no seas pendeja,” I mumbled to myself, catching my immediate reaction before it could spiral. “We’ve been at it for this long, we’ve already established this crap. C’mon Bella, no seas chillona.”

I sent back the monkey covering its eyes and the blue heart emojis. Then, I filmed a video to distract myself. Thankfully, I was able to be by myself again, which meant that I could film a cover while Jack was away on campus.

While I was doing my makeup, I got another text from Ethan. He was what I was doing, and I told him. Then, he asked if he could listen somehow, and I was convinced to let him in on a Skype call.

“Hey!” he greeted when his face popped up on my laptop screen.

“Hi! Don’t mind me, I’m just putting on my actual face,” I told him. “I’m nearly done.”

“Take your time,” Ethan said, resting his chin in his hands. “Work your magic.”

I took my laptop over to the bathroom and moved my products aside. Then, I continued with my routine, not really conscious of the fact that I was being watched. Strangely enough, I didn’t really mind people watching me do something I knew I was good at. Plus, I was sure Ethan would get bored of me and open another tab until I was ready to sing.

“How do you do the wing?” he asked, much to my surprise.

I paused, letting that surprised feeling pass over. “Um… I’ve had to sacrifice all my babies,” I finally answered. “I also had to summon like, five different demons with the blood of a virgin.”

“And who did you murder to get that contour?” he egged on.

I sighed as I applied highlighter to the tops of my cheekbones. “You know too much already.”

Ethan giggled. “Well, I’ll stop asking questions, Miss Makeup Artist Person Expert.”

“Yeah, stay in your lane, Mr. Gamer Person Man.”

I finished up with my makeup routine by spritzing some setting spray onto my face. For a second, I forgot I was being watched, and I had a moment of… “feelin’ myself.” I turned my head from side to side, watching my highlight catch the light. I appreciated the sharpness of my winged liner and the flawlessness of my eyebrows.

Suddenly, I heard a shutter sound and snapped out of my vain moment. I turned back to Ethan on the screen, my eyes widening.

“I’m not doin’ nothin’,” he said, feigning innocence.

“Oh god. I can only hope I look good in that screenshot,” I said timidly.

“You always look good.”

I rolled my eyes and put on my best “white girl” accent. “Aw, thanks boo!”

Then, I took my laptop back to my room. I set it down on the bed and went to get my keyboard. I stood it in front of my bed, since I didn’t have a proper bench. After, I went to grab my lights that I left in the living room.

“What are you gonna sing?” Ethan prompted.

“I’m thinking Dodie,” I replied as I went to grab my camera and tripod. “Or something else, I’m not sure.”

“Dodie,” he said. “You gotta sing Dodie.”

I hesitated as I turned on the camera and lights. “I’ve been practicing ‘When’ but I don’t know if it’s good enough.”

“Let’s hear it then. I’ll tell you if it’s good.”

It was more nervewracking knowing that Ethan was the one hearing me sing. I always needed to sing for someone before posting on my channel, but since it was going to be the guy I liked this time, I was a little nervous. I also found the song because of him, too. I could only hope I would do it justice.

Nervously, I sat down on the bed and placed my fingers on the keys. After breathing deeply, I played the first few notes of the song, but I had to start over a few times. To be honest, I was just stalling, but I got to it eventually.

“I think I’ve been telling lies, ‘cause I’ve never been in love Everyone falls for the sunshine disguise Distracted by who they’re thinking of”

The vocals were a little too soft for my liking, but the lyrics and Ethan’s persistence are what won me over. The more I sang it, the more lost I got in it.

“Am I the only one wishing life away? Never caught up in the moment, busy begging the past to stay Memories painted with much brighter ink They tell me I loved, teach me how to think”

Part of me wished for the day I would find a happy song that I could relate to.

I sighed when I finished the song. Sheepishly, I turned to Ethan, who had a huge smile on his face. He started with a slow clap.

“You’re so talented!” he exclaimed. “Ah, your voice is so nice! I love it!”

“Thanks,” I replied, blushing furiously. “That should go on my channel, then?”

“Yes! Record it and post it, like, right now,” he excitedly told me.

“Ahh, should I?”

“Do it. Do it, and… then we’ll go out after?” Ethan said the last bit slowly and softly.

Honestly, that was all it took for me to hit “record.”

~

This time, we went to the beach. It was cold as hell, being mid-January. But it was quiet and lacking of other people. It was also getting dark, which only made it colder. I was comfortable.

“Leggings were a bad idea,” I commented as we walked on the sand. “You’re gonna have to cut off my legs later.”

“You should’ve told me sooner,” Ethan replied. “I would’ve brought a chainsaw or something.”

We both stayed silent. Then we looked at each other and laughed. Thank god we had a similar sense of humor. It was easy to be around him.

“Hey, so,” Ethan said, changing the subject. “I… I overheard Mark saying that he was talking to you again?”

Spoke too soon.

“Uh, where did you hear that?” I asked in response.

“He was telling Tyler at the office,” Ethan explained. “I just happened to… be in the room. So, it’s true, then?”

“We’re making amends,” I told him, looking out at the distance. “It’s just that… we were friends before we dated and… we want to get over the things that happened. And, I think if I don’t try to work out these things, then I’ll wind up making the same mistakes in other relationships.”

Ethan didn’t say anything at first, which prompted me to ramble.

“I’ve known Mark for two, almost three, years,” I added. “We have a lot of history. I still want him to be my friend. A-And like I said, I don’t want my past mistakes to happen in this relationship.”

“I get it,” he finally said. “That’s good that you still wanna be friends.”

“Yeah, I probably should’ve told you sooner,” I said. “I feel like that’s something you deserve to know.”

“It’s okay. I mean, he doesn’t know about… this.” Ethan gestured between the two of us. “So I guess that’s fair.”

I wanted to ask what we are but… you know the cause by now. All I knew was that we definitely weren’t just friends.

“You wanna get food and eat in the car?” he asked after a while.

“Absolutely.”

_______

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