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hey it's my birthday :)

I was forgotten. Just like that.

Time and time again I convinced myself that it is not important. My birthday is not important. I should not expect anyone to wish me for my birthday.

And I still get hurt. Again and again.

At this point I believe that I’m the one at fault.

I mean if you tell someone not to wait but they still did, it’s not your fault. Right?

So it is my fault.

You know?

I actually try to keep track of my friends’ birthdays, especially the ones that I hold dear and close. I may not have wished them at the right time but I did.

Maybe it is because I did not get them any gifts.

I’m sorry but I don’t have much to spend.

Especially when I remembered that year when I gave them a whole chunk of my savings and received not even the full price of it.

I did tell my mum about this.

Not about wishing me birthday or giving birthday gifts.

Something similar tho.

I lent them my ears.

I tried to be there for them when they need me

But why is it that I received none of that?

Why am I burning myself for them when they ignore me at my lowest.

Some might say, well they’re not telepathic; they can’t read my mind!

I know. But I did reach out.

The reply was short.

It’s a pathetic and sad attempt really.

The topic was immediately changed to something they wanted to talk about.

I insisted that I need to see a therapist. My mum and dad do not like that.

I mean, their daughter is irritable, that's all.

Even that does not qualify for a trip to meet an expert.

I wish I could just cut open my chest and take out my heart, if it is even there… I believe that it might not have a recognizable shape at this point.

My eyes sting.

My heart is sour and bitter.

I hate me too.

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acting out

I believe that my hormone is acting out. I'm giddy and sad in a split second and now I don't know what to feel. I want to complain about anything, everything but I know that it could also mean that maybe I'm just extra sensitive today. I come to the conclusion that my hormone is unstable as of today, at this moment.

I'm effing giddy when I found out that part of my food delivery order will be refunded and I want to tell my sister but she's already asleep. Dejected, I went back to the desk and start feeling useless over everything.

I'm a useless student, no good daughter, a bad friend. I'm fat, broke, grumpy, annoying, narcistic. I know these things; I associate myself with them all. But I've never felt like such a failure up until this moment. I feel like I have no right to complain. my tears are fake. I'm fake. Then who am I? why do I live when clearly other people have a much redeeming quality/ies compared to me.

I knowwwww, I'm just whining tonight. What kind of quality should a good human being have? I'm the lowest kind of average; not sure why I'm not at the bottom yet.

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*_*

Go ahead, put anything.

Anything it is. My brain rot liquid was just overflowing so here it goes. My friend went MIA online. Can't find her but I did text her number. Not sure if it actually reach her. I haven't contacted her for awhile and I was just ws-ing her on an mbti meme and I couldn't find her number on said platform. I though I lost her number (changed to new phone and stuffs). I turned on my old phone to check on the contacts just to realise that I still do have her number. it is just no longer registered on that platform. I was slumped; I figured that she could be taking her time off or she actually changed her number and I was just not paying attention. Now, I'm not really sure on the next course that I should take.

As always. Twitter. I wonder what makes her lash out to just about anyone who sent her encouraging message but aren't her mutual. I can understand but her words are harsh and I've learnt my lesson before. [being left hanging after sending such reply makes me feel ashamed and I just want to hide my face somewhere]. It is her twitter tho, and she can make that choice. But I still do feel hurt haha. I guess I need to talk with someone. I am narcistic and I haven't been able to talk for a while and now I feel like a nuisance.

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hmmmph

unfollowing spree on twt because I'm tired of the fandom that I have yet to even join. I'm tired of trying to interact with users who seem friendly outside but clammed up to 'outsiders'.

Sure, they can choose to do so. But I had such a good experience in bnha fandom; everyone is so down to earth and they really took their time to reply to my twt. I really feel welcomed there. Hmmm, which is probably why I was in the fandom for so long. I found some ship that I never thought will work but end up being my fav ship ever.

It is such a shame because I was really looking forward to talk with people about danmei and so on. I'm relatively new to danmei and based on my experience with the bnha fandom, I thought it is a great idea to follow all these big accounts in order to receive updates, translations, fanfics, fanarts and so on... How wrong I was to assume so.

So I took matters to my hand and decided to unfollow all these accounts. It is not beneficial for me and I believe that losing one follower is not very significant to them anyways. I have enough on my plate. I don't need to have such an insignificant matter to harass my thoughts.

The whole brief experience with the danmei fandom gave such a bad rep to it and I found myself still reading these danmeis but I don't have enough effs to be given to these accounts. I tried to be nice and so on but I still feel like I'm not any closer to any of them.

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Lost

I'm supposed to be completing my works but I guess I'm gonna write here first. I guess it's true that it is easier to type my own thoughts when I have assignments waiting lolll.

When I'm free, I find it very hard to even write a sentence. This is something that keeps on happening to me on twitter... I have an idea and I just need to express it. But then I typed a new tweet, re read the whole thing before tweeting and I just find it very dull and plain. Or maybe I tweeted but then I found it to be uninteresting so I deleted the tweet. Not something that I'm proud of doing but I get very self conscious...

After interacting with suika sama's tweet, I was overwhelmed. I didn't expect her to reply and I was frozen, not really sure what to reply. so I only liked her tweet (=...=) I did wrong...

anyways. I have an idea that I have outlined but I think it is very similar to modern fics that I like but just changing the main characters. I'm not really happy with the unoriginality but it's a good start to actually start writing. I've always liked writing but I tend to follow my feelings and most of the time, feelings are not reliable. Oh and I don't think I will publish it on ao3.. not until and I can find something original that is angsty, constantly tug my heart while writing other than the constant river flowing, indicating that I'm writing a fix that is close to my heart hahahahaha.

Should explore more on writing.. I get discouraged over the smallest thing ever hahahahaha so I don't know when I'll start revising the outline and write the so called fic. let's just wait and see

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Back

Lol, I’m back. 

I was really, desperately, in need of a place for me to write just about anything without getting judged or ridiculed by others. The thing is, the worst judge is me. Anytime I tweet or retweet anything, it just feels wrong.

The fact that I tend to talk about multiple topic in one time is something that I’m very much aware of. However, this is how my brain works these days. I do want to focus on one thing, and talk only about that. Then only I move to other topic. This is NOT what happens in my twitter.

Look. I’m a fan of various animes, c-dramas, danmeis, manhua, manhwas, mangas, you name it. SO following multiple accounts that specializes in the topic that they chose is very useful for me; I get to enjoy various updates at once, rather than hanging in just one topic and tiring myself while waiting for an update. Does this make sense? If it doesn’t, then be it. I myself will not be able to decipher the whole post later, you’ll see.

Anyways, I’m a HUGE fan of #shanheling these days. The world of c-dramas is kinda unexpected for me. I start by watching donghua (TGCF <3) and I was intrigued to read the danmei. Lo and behold, I fell in the danmei rabbit hole. Starting with TGCF, I start reading SVSSS and MDZS [because when you start with MXTX, the flow is for you to read her novels first then you venture out by yourself]. 

For MDZS, I started with the donghua first and I was not impressed at first but the story hooked me in. I start reading the manhua. Then I found out that it has a c-drama, The Untamed, or Chen Qing Ling, CQL for short. At this moment, I was thoroughly impressed by the way the story progresses so I said, why not? Boy, I was not ready for it.

You see, CQL set up is in xianxia world. Imagine my surprise when characters started to hurl their incantations from out of nowhere. Dammit, that caught me by surprise. I was not impressed and I stopped watching after 2 episodes  (=.=‘). I did say that I watched the donghua first, right? As always, the world of animation never seems out of place whenever something weird came up. I can just pass it all as, ‘well, it’s cartoon. it’s not real,’ kinda crap. But when real-life Wei Wuxian start using his spells or when Lan Wangji attacks using his guqin, my brain still hasn’t caught up with the story.

So I stopped watching although it was a widely famous and successful c-drama. Time passed and I found myself exploring more and more danmei. And I am slowly adding my knowledge on xianxia, wuxia world. Learning fun trivia and stuffs. Those really help on my understanding of chinese culture (although it is not comprehesive) but still, I am now enjoying those things that I found ‘weird’ before. I found my former self as weird now.

As I said before, I followed some accounts that specifically post on danmei updates. They start updating on a new drama, Shan He Ling, and adaptation of Tian Ya Ke by priest. I haven’t read the novel so I was not inclined to watch. After a course of few weeks, I saw a user tweeting a short cut of SHL from episode 2, if I’m not mistaken. Oh boy, I was instantly hooked. Wen Kexing in white hanfu, fanning himself from the top, watching Zhou Zishu... (rather, he’s watching how his schemes are going)

Me, watching this cut for the first time,’It was this moment that I knew, I f**ked up. I am now down the SHL hole!!’

It was a very short clip but it has convinced me to start watching. I LOVE every second of it. I’m not a huge fan of drama, most likely because it needs a huge amount of concentration and I have none of that. But episode 1 was intriguing. Then the iconic episode 2 just swept me off my feet. I binge watched the whole 12 episodes that was uploaded by Youku at the time. I am still watching, currently waiting for episode 31. I can say that I was very proud of myself that I discovered this gem.

Time and time again, the trivia regarding SHL just make me love the show even more. The fact that both Gong Jun and Zhang Zhehan were not the first choice to act as Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu, respectively, blew my mind. They did a great job portraying the characters. When the characters are sad, I wept. and when they’re happy, I grinned so hard, lollll. Oh, and this drama have relatively low budget compared to other historical drama, a fact that I read from Chinese diaspora users on twitter. The team did their best with what they had. Tbh, the whole show was very beautiful; the scenery, the hinting, the way it was shoot. I should write another post on this.

SHL is depicted in wuxia world; a genre that I can adept to easily. There must be qi, kungfu, immortal masters but it is easier to digest in my opinion. Then again, I have learnt some very basic knowledge bout this by now, which is why this is such an enjoyable show. Although it is also because both wkx and zzs are very good looking, I can’t peel my eyes from them.

Now that I enjoy watching SHL, I decided to continue watching CQL. There are still some details that just make me itch watching it. From the woozy cut to very orchestrated movement of a group of people, I have learnt to actually prioritise the story, rather than these small things. So now I’m watching both CQL and SHL. I think it is not that I can’t watch c-drama, it is only that I was not a fan of the xianxia genre. Though if you throw me a xianxia danmei, I will gobble it all up as long as it has enough angst and BL.

Rambling on this topic is just very relieving for my poor heart. I do want to fangirl on my twitter but my knowledge is very shallow and I don’t have anyone that I know from the fandom. They seem really fun but also close-knit..? I’m aware that I can RT and maybe reply to their tweets but the second option makes me feel self-conscious; I have very very limited knowledge on the subject matter and what’s more, I didn’t really know the hidden context. What’s more, I haven’t even read TYK. My understanding come from SHL alone. I heard that SHL is a good adaptation and ofc it is vastly different from TYK.

That’s it for now. Maybe I will write a second part on my thoughts later.

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some weird thingies

Man, I was pretty deep in the johnlock fandom. Gosh, that was a bit embarrassing.. 

Now that I’m home, I’m pretty content. My family members are always there; be it whether me bothering them or them bothering me. Some misunderstandings are bound to happen but it can be easily resolved. 

Sometimes, I have a huge urge to go back to campus but I truly feel at peace here. Being home means I have a huge support system and I have time to myself. And the only issue that really bothers me only do so from time to time. And I’ll definitely take that over anything else.

Going back to campus is one of my dream now. I want to go back and take my chances to be an active student. I want to go out more and get to know more people. At home, I’m truly fine being here; this is my comfort bubble. So I want to challenge myself and do things that I really detest.

I want to ponder more on friendships; on how you keep the connection. How to bring it forward instead of relying on the memories. I truly feel the need to improve my friendship skill; I totally suck in it and I haven’t changed since primary school.

I want to support my favourite bands by buying their album digitally and even that seems so hard to do, what with my debit card not allowed to perform on a foreign transaction. 

I want to be better.

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The only place where I feel safe to write my thoughts. I’m having some sort of internal confusion. Is it not creepy to follow someone you haven’t talked to even once?(There was an attempt but it is not successful) I kind of have this attraction to him but I’m not sure if he does too. Do I just throw myself out there and risk myself of getting ridiculed? I’m not sure of his nature, thus causing this unneeded confusion of mine. Sure, I like him. But I don’t want to look creepy...

And I’m afraid if this is just a strong attraction because of my loneliness. I haven’t spoke to any of my close friends. at first, it was because I’m busy. Now that I want to reach for them, I can see that they’re content with their life as of now and I don’t want to ruin that for them. I’m petty. I’m just like that side character who bothers everyone she  knows when she have problems. When she’s content, she’s gone with the wind.

This is hard. I haven’t been able to hold a normal conversation with any of them. The friend that I think we’re close, is now content and she doesn’t find me anymore. I don’t want to bother her... she has enough on her plate.

I’m sad and I can’t express it properly. I have emotional blockage and I don’t know how to deal with it. I need to love myself but what anguished me the most is that I’ve let this happen. It’s such a small doubt which progressively becomes bigger over time.

I guess I will hurt myself. I’m going to throw myself out there.

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none

First time feeling this ‘worthlessness’ here. I feel like I’m easily replaced. No real place for me. Just having people talk to me is considered valuable. Been feeling down since last week. I guess people have no need for me.

Usually, I’m pretty good with sweeping it all under the rug but it has accumulated to an unnerving amount. But hey. Found a new way to lessen the burden a bit; at least enough for me to breath. Being nice to random people makes me smile. but do I do that for them or for me? Am I just being selfish here?

I feel like I’ll be a burden that no one need. One day I’ll die and people wouldn’t bat an eye. Someone else came along. The better version of me. Then I’ll be forgotten.

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FINALLY //happy cries//

THERES A NEW SEKAIICHI HATSUKOI ANIMATION COMING! NOT SURE IF OVA OR TV ANIME BUT ITS SOMETHING!

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In Honor of Kyoto Animation

After these horrifying news, I’ve decided to do a recap on KyoAni’s main titles from their foundation until now as a homage for its staff, especially the victims and their families. We don’t know where the studio will be going from now, but we do know of its journey until the present moment. There were hits and there were misses, but it overall deserves appreciation now more than ever.

This is going to be a bit long but they deserve it all and more.

Nurse Witch Komugi-chan Magikarte (2002)

Inuyasha Movies 1 to 3 (2001-2003)

Munto (2003-2009)

Full Metal Panic! Fumoffu/TSR (2003-2006)

Air (2005)

Kanon (2006)

Clannad (2007-2009)

Suzumiya Haruhi (2006-2010)

Lucky Star (2007-2008)

K-ON! (2009-2011)

Nichijou (2011)

Hyouka (2012)

Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai! (2012-2018)

Tamako Market (2013-2014)

Free! (2013-present)

Kyoukai no Kanata (2013-2015)

Amagi Brilliant Park (2014-2015)

Hibike! Euphonium (2015-present)

Musaigen no Phantom World (2016)

Koe no Katachi (2016-2017)

Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon (2017)

Violet Evergarden (2018-present)

Tsurune (2018-2019)

Personally, part of me wants to believe that these people will continue living through their creations, but what’s been done to them is unforgivable. We all know that this will definitely affect current and future projects of the studio, but let’s show only support for the survivors until they’re able to get back on track.

Stay strong, KyoAni!!

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Just a little note to never give up on your dreams

If a young lad from a small town in Ireland can go on to:

Interview 4 well known actors, becoming close friends with one of them (Bryan Dechart) and be recognised by another when he met Sean again (Ryan Reynolds)

Become close friends with YouTubers and game voice actors he used to look up to and who inspired him to get to where he is (Mark, Felix, Troy and Nolan, and more) and make plenty of new friends along the way and do cool collabs with them

Not only create a growing community of 22 million people all across the world, be the man behind the forging of thousands of international friendships spanning the entire globe, and have said community be kmow for being one of the most positive, inclusive and happy communities on YouTube…

…but to use said community for immense good, to raise $2 million+ dollars for a range of charities in 19 months

Write and perform a comedy live show and tour in 11 countries

Create and co-own his own clothing company

Be interviewed on the top talk show in his home country

Voice act in 5 games (to my knowledge?), fulfilling a childhood wish to do voices for games one day

Present an award at the Game Awards, after spending years watching it online as a “spectator”

Take huge positive strides forward in the lifelong journey that every human goes through to try and keep up good mental health and find some degree of happiness, whilst at the same time creating a positive mental health movement that encouraged every single one of his fans to try and do the same

Then I believe that you can do anything 💚

It doesn’t have to be big like all of that, it doesn’t have to change the world (although you never know where life might take you!) As long as it fulfills you, and it changes your world 😊

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You know the perfect solution but your parents will always say no. //sigh//. Going back to our hometown, squashed and squished by my siblings' hips doesn't sound good. Plus we're 4 effing adults not 4 kids anymore.. my sister, me and even my brother can drive... wtf with my parents.. it's not like we have to buy an effing new car. What? Petrol money? I said already that we'll fucking pay for it. This is why sometimes I hope I live far away from my parents. They're ridiculous. We proposed for a new car with 7 seater but nope. Not a fucking good idea. I guess the best idea is to go back in time and hope that instead of having 4 children, they have 3. And that excludes me.

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Oh my god, so I was just randomly searching up Sherlock on Google and I find this article...

BUT THE LAST ONE…OH MY FUCKING GOD…THE LAST ONE KILLED ME…

EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT JOHNLOCK….EVERYONE!

(Article)

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pls don’t forget that it is your blog. you should post about what you like and what makes you happy. some ppl will follow and some ppl will unfollow your blog and that’s completely ok. just make sure this whole tumblr experience makes you happy.

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July 2010. It is three weeks before the first series of Sherlock broadcasts on BBC One, and show creators Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss are panicking. The BBC has suddenly brought forward the slot for their show “by a substantial amount”. As summer is already a difficult time to launch a series, Gatiss and Moffat are bewildered as to how they will promote it.

“We were sitting around with our heads in our hands,” Steven Moffat remembers, “going, ‘There isn’t enough time to do this. It will broadcast to no one.’ ”

This was when they joined Twitter.

“It was really only one step up from individually knocking on people’s doors and shouting, ‘Sherlock is coming!’ through their letter boxes,” Mark Gatiss explains. “We were almost… desperate.”

“What did we think we’d get?” Moffat muses.

“Four million viewers,” Gatiss replies.

“Four million viewers, tops, and a couple of nice broadsheet write-ups. That was our best-case scenario.”

On the night the debut episode – A Study in Pink – went out, the core cast and crew assembled at Moffat’s house in Kew to watch it, in a state of nervous tension.

Gathering around the wine – “a lot of wine” – were Martin Freeman (Dr Watson), Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock Holmes), Mark Gatiss, Steven Moffat and Sue Vertue, the show’s producer, who is, handily, also married to Moffat, “which has, over the years, saved us a fortune on cabs”.

In the event, when Sherlock began, the Moffat party had to immediately pause it, as Benedict Cumberbatch still hadn’t arrived.

“He called us – he was stuck in a traffic jam on Baker Street,” Moffat recalls. “Sherlock Holmes, stuck on Baker Street! We couldn’t work out if that was a good sign or not.”

“I think he might have made that up, to be honest,” Gatiss says. “But it’s a really good lie.”

When Cumberbatch finally arrived, the party who made Sherlock watched the show ten minutes behind the rest of Britain.

“But we knew when the climax happened,” Gatiss beams, “because suddenly all our phones were going off, everyone texting, everyone phoning. I mean, exploding.”

“An hour later, I went and sat in the garden,” Moffat says, “and looked at Twitter. I saw that Benedict was trending worldwide on Twitter, Martin was trending worldwide, Sherlock itself was trending worldwide. And people were talking about it with this… passion. As if they were lifelong fans – when, of course, they’d not seen it 90 minutes ago. Everything had changed in 90 minutes.”

He pauses for a minute, still looking surprised.

“Everything.” (X)