#i think part of my stagnation here is that i really need to get into more adult media

[perenlop]

nglll i think i may be a bit on and off with the kirby rewatch. sorta did it on a whim when im not really ready to switch hyperfixations and i wanted to watch some other stuff too. like rewatching gf and toh while also moving on to more adult shows

[tovarishch-dyke]

One thing adulthood has taught is that you hold your tongue even if you really REALLY are about to lose it on someone

[p0orbaby]

Sinners | Sloth

summary: leah’s lazy day takes a turn

warnings: SMUT 18+, sub!leah? i don’t know what to put here anymore

a/n: the midway point, three more parts to go

word count: 1.7k

Lust | Gluttony | Envy | Greed | Wrath | Pride

-

You hate stagnation.

You’re always doing something, always busy, always productive. If you’re not at work, you’re at the gym. If you’re not at the gym, you’re running errands, fixing things, organising every corner of your life like you’re preparing for a military inspection.

And then there’s Leah.

She’s the living embodiment of stale today. A sprawling heap of human on the sofa, wearing one of your old t-shirts that’s too big for her, and a pair of boxers she may or may not have stolen from your drawer. She hasn’t moved for hours, save for the occasional shift to grab the remote or to adjust the pillow that she’s squashing under her arm.

She’s watching something on Netflix, something she’s seen at least four times already because she knows all the words.

You glance at her from the kitchen, where you’ve been pretending to make dinner for the last twenty minutes. You’re pretending because you’ve already ordered a Chinese, but for some reason, you don’t want her to know that. Maybe it’s because you’re trying to convince yourself that you haven’t fully succumbed to this lazy day, that you’re still capable of doing something, anything productive.

“Do you even know what day it is?” you call out from the kitchen, hoping to jolt her into some semblance of awareness.

“Does it matter?” she calls back, her voice muffled by the blanket she’s partially buried under.

You open your mouth to argue, but then you catch sight of her. Her hair’s a mess, sticking out in random directions, and there’s a small spot of dribble on the corner of her mouth from when she dozed off earlier. She looks like a wreck, and it’s adorable, and suddenly you’re not sure if you want to disturb her at all.

“Leah,” you say, stepping into the living room with every intention of dragging her off the couch, if only to make her shower. But when you get closer, you see the look on her face. She’s content, truly content, in a way that makes you pause. You haven’t seen her like this in a while. She’s always on the go, always busy, always thinking about the next match, the next practice, the next thing she needs to perfect.

But right now, she’s just… still.

“I ordered takeaway,” you admit, because there’s no point in keeping up the charade anymore.

She just grins, her eyes half-closed. “You’ve joined the dark side”

“It’s not the dark side,” you argue, but it’s weak. You know it. She knows it.

“Come here,” she murmurs, shifting to make room for you on the couch.

You hesitate, because if you sit down, you’re not getting back up. You know that. But then Leah gives you that look, the one that’s half-plea, half-demand, and you’re powerless against it.

“Alright, but just for a minute,” you say, even though you’re lying and you both know it.

You sit down beside her, and she immediately curls into you, her head resting on your shoulder, her hand finding its way to your thigh. It’s lazy and unhurried, like everything else about this day, and you can feel the tension leaving your body as you settle into the couch.

“I think you’re a bad influence,” you say, but you don’t mean it. Not really.

“Probably,” she agrees, not bothering to argue.

You’re silent for a while, just listening to the sounds of the show she’s watching, some cheesy comedy that’s way too predictable but somehow perfect for a day like today.

“You know what would make this day better?” she asks after a while, her voice barely noticeable under the laugh track.

“What?”

“If you gave me a massage”

You laugh, but it’s a tired sound. “You want me to do all the work, huh?”

She nods against your shoulder. “I ran a lot yesterday. My legs are killing me”

You know you should say no. You should tell her to get up and stretch, or take a hot bath, or do literally anything that would require her to move. But instead, you find yourself agreeing.

“Fine,” you say, and you feel her grin against your shoulder.

You shift so she’s lying on her stomach, and you straddle her hips, your hands starting to work the knots out of her shoulders. She sighs, a deep, satisfied sound, and you feel a strange sense of accomplishment.

“This is the best decision you’ve made all day,” she mumbles, her voice muffled by the pillow.

“Glad I could contribute to your recovery,” you reply, but there’s no bite to it. You’re too relaxed, too comfortable, and the feel of her warm skin under your hands is too distracting.

You work your way down her back, your fingers pressing into the tight muscles along her spine, and Leah makes a sound that’s halfway between a moan and a groan. It sends a jolt of heat through you, and you pause for a second, wondering if she felt it too.

“Don’t stop,” she murmurs, her voice soft, almost drowsy.

You continue, but your hands aren’t as innocent as they were a moment ago. You’re touching her with more purpose now, your fingers tracing the curve of her waist, the dip of her spine, the swell of her hips. You’re not sure when it changed, when the touch went from comforting to something else, something more. But it has, and you can’t stop it now.

Leah shifts beneath you, and you can tell she feels it too. The air between you is thicker now, charged with something electric, something dangerous. You’re not sure if it’s the slowness of the day or the fact that you’ve both been pretending not to want this, but suddenly, you’re aching for her in a way that has nothing to do with relaxation.

“Leah,” you whisper, your hands stilling on her hips.

She turns her head to look at you, her eyes heavy-lidded but burning with something that’s definitely not weariness. “What?”

You don’t answer, because you’re too busy leaning down to press your lips to the back of her neck, tasting the salt of her skin. She shivers under you, and you feel her arch her back, pressing her hips up into yours.

“What are you doing?” she asks, but it’s breathless, like she’s already decided to let you do whatever you want.

“Nothing,” you lie, your hands sliding under the hem of the t-shirt she’s wearing, pushing it up so you can feel more of her skin.

“Doesn’t feel like nothing,” she murmurs, her voice tight with anticipation.

You don’t respond, because you’re preoccupied by pulling the fabric over her head, tossing it aside. She’s completely bare beneath you now, and the sight of her, all soft curves and smooth skin, is enough to make your mouth go dry.

You run your hands down her sides, feeling the way her muscles tense under your touch. She’s so beautiful like this, lazy and relaxed but still wanting you, still needing you.

You lean down, pressing kisses along her spine, feeling the way she shivers under your lips. Your hands move to her hips, gripping them tightly as you kiss your way down to the small of her back.

“Turn over,” you murmur, your voice low and rough.

She obeys, rolling onto her back, her eyes locked on yours. There’s something dark and dangerous in her stare now, and it sends a thrill of excitement straight through you.

You lean down, capturing her lips in a slow, languid kiss that’s anything but tired. It’s full of heat and need, and you can feel her responding, her hands sliding up to grip your shoulders as she pulls you closer.

You take your time, kissing her slowly, teasingly, your hands exploring every inch of her body. She’s warm and soft beneath you, and you can’t get enough of the way she feels, the way she tastes.

Leah moans into your mouth, and you swallow the sound, your hands moving down to cup her breasts, your thumbs brushing over her nipples. She arches into your touch, her breath hitching, and you can feel the heat pooling low in your belly.

“Please,” she whispers, her voice barely more than a breath.

You smile against her lips, because you know what she wants, but you’re not ready to give it to her just yet. You want to make her wait, make her beg for it, because there’s something intoxicating about having her like this, completely at your mercy.

You kiss your way down her body, taking your time, savoring every inch of her. She’s shuddering beneath you now, her breath coming in short, shallow pants, and you can feel her growing more and more desperate with every passing second.

When you finally reach her hips, you pause, looking up at her. Her eyes are dark with need, her chest rising and falling rapidly, and you can see the way her hands are fisting the blanket, like she’s trying to hold on to the last shred of her control.

“Please,” she whispers again, and this time there’s no mistaking the desperation in her voice.

You don’t make her wait any longer. You lower your head, your mouth finding her center, and the taste of her is enough to make your own breath hitch.

Leah moans, her back arching off the sofa as you start to move your tongue, slow and deliberate, teasing her just enough to drive her crazy.

“Fuck,” she breathes, her hands tangling in your hair as she tries to pull you closer.

You don’t let up, your mouth working her with a skill that comes from knowing exactly how to push her over the edge.

You know she’s close, but you don’t stop, don’t let up, until she’s crying out, her body convulsing under your touch as she comes apart in your arms.

When it’s over, she’s left gasping, her body limp and boneless, and you can’t help but feel a surge of pride at the sight of her like this, completely undone.

You crawl back up her body, lying beside her, your arms wrapping around her as she snuggles into your side.

“Relaxing enough for you?” you murmur, pressing a kiss to her temple.

She laughs, a soft, contented sound, and you can feel the way her body relaxes against yours. “Yeah,” she says, her voice sleepy. “But I could do with a little more of that later”

You smile, pulling her closer. “Anytime”

[kozachenko]

[Click for better quality]

Ok yay I'm back from my vacation yipeeeeeee. I started this drawing of Keiki before I left and I was half considering just giving up on it.... until I did a short study of facial planes and then got motivated to work on this again! I'm glad I didn't give up on it though, as I'm actually really happy with this one!

Artist's Notes;

So as I mentioned in my last post about Touhou 17, I wanted to finish this by the game's five year anniversary but with how progress was going I didn't want to rush this so I decided to take a long break from it. Mainly because of the face. For a while now I was kind of feeling like I was stagnating with my drawings, not really in the clothing but in the bodies. There was something about the way I was rendering them that I just wasn't happy with, and after talking with someone else about this issue, I realized that the reason I felt this way was because the faces were too flat and didn't match the rest of the drawing and that I needed to find a way to make the rendering of the face feel consistent with everything else. So after doing a short study of the plains of the face (I used this 3D head model from art station as a reference for my short study, please go give this person some love as they are a lifesaver) I went back into this drawing and applied what I learned here. It was only after that that I finally became motivated to finish the piece, and while it started off as just a simple character sketch like Saki and Yachie's were, the moment I added in Keiki's little fire dragon I knew I had gotten in too deep and now here we are with a full on background. OK it's not super crazy or anything, but it gets the job done and it's better than there just being an empty void behind her. It's rare moments like this when I use brushes other than the Clip Studio Default Charcoal Brush and use the Clip Studio Default Paint Brushes as well (god bless the oil paint and dry gouache clip studio brushes, they were amazing). I don't know why but painting fire has always been really fun for me, there's something oddly satisfying about it y'know? I do think that another reason for this problem was because I was drawing faces like I would in my more sketchy style that didn't mesh well with my lineless style, so I'm glad I've started remedying that.

After adding in the fire dragon I had an idea to kinda make it feel like splash art in the way the composition works... probably because I have been playing Reverse 1999 again and it has taken over my brain. I do feel like Keiki's tools get a little lost in the composition, and I didn't fully render the metal parts of them mainly because I didn't feel like they needed it, but that's just something for me to improve on later down the line.

If you guys are wondering where I went for my vacation, I went to New York and got to go to the MET and the Museum of Natural History. In both places I found Kofun period stuff and I was so happy to see it you have no idea. I remember one of the Haniwa I saw had some neat face paint under the eyes that I tried to replicate with the makeup under Keiki's eyes in my drawing, though I think I'll gave to figure out how to draw makeup on characters because this reads more like blush to me than anything. While drawing this I also looked up some references of Kofun period jewelry and really liked the stuff I found, which also meant that now she has proper Kofun earrings instead of earrings shaped like Kofun tombs. I put some of the things I referenced with a closeup of Keiki's face as well down below. I made her outfit more reminiscent of the outfit I gave her at the beginning of the year with the buttons and all, though I do want to try and draw her in some more period accurate clothing like the Haniwa I took a picture of at the Museum of Natural History. I wish I could find a way to make her handercheif look better though as I wish I made it a little bit bigger, though I think I'm saying this because I've looked at this drawing for too long lmao. Once again something to work on for when I next draw her. Also want to get better at rendering hair, as some details (like the little strands in front of her ears) kinda got unreadable due to the similarities in colour lol.

Now you may have also noticed the little cracks I added onto Keiki's face, and that's because I have fallen in love with the idea of Keiki's body being made from ceramic and that she crafted her body herself. While they aren't very visible I also tried to add some doll joints to her body, which is an idea I played around with in the past but never went to far with. I also want to get better at rendering cracks in ceramic, porcelain, etc, as I'm not sure how those read in the drawing. I also have a headcanon where the cracks in Keiki's face show up because of heightened emotions, and while Keiki is aware of this and does her best to make sure her face doesn't break off.... she will still end up with at least a few cracks during any given day, and she can often forget to repair her own body quite frequently so Mayumi has to remind her quite a lot. Mayumi even taught herself some basic sculpting techniques to help repair parts of her body that are so badly damaged to the point where Keiki can't repair them herself, i.e. if both her arms broke off, Mayumi would put them back together for her so Keiki can at least have something to repair herself with rather than nothing. I also like to imagine that if Keiki created her own body, if you took a look at Keiki from the beginning of her life she would look completely different compared to now.

BTW If you guys are wondering what a very very angry Keiki looks like....ok in order for this to make sense have any of you read volume 11 of Land of The Lustrous? Am I bringing back some memories for those of you that have? Ok good, glad we all got that mental image brewing in our minds, I'll probably draw a version of Keiki that is somewhat inspired by that one day as it's an idea I've had for a little while now. And to those who haven't gotten to that volume yet and are confused.... don't worry about it, just keep reading :)

[etherfabric]

Messages for Reassurance + Songs

Choose a pile by which picture you resonate with the most.

If your mind is too busy to clearly decide, take a few deep breaths, and use the finger of your non-dominant hand to hover over the images. One will give off the most subtle yet prominent signals, like tingles, a magnetic pull, or temperature. This is your pile. Multiples are also possible.

You are the ultimate authority over your life. I merely provide my perspective. Sometimes the Universe lines you up with something that doesn't resonate with your truth, so you have contrast to find out what does. Never give away your power.

Pile 1

Knight of Cups, High Priestess

The hope inside of you is not delusion. You are safe to go after the things that seem promising and enriching. The days where you couldn't hear your gut well enough to listen to it are gone. Serendipities of various sizes permeate your day to day life, and it feels almost to good to be true. Did you really make it? Yes, dear. You did. You embraced your shadows enough to bask in the sun again.

Of course this is no utopia, and the frights of the past have sharpened your foresight to real possibilities, but believe yourself when you can't feel any danger closeby. You are stronger, smarter, and in better company than ever before. Now all there is left to do is putting some weight in those timid steps towards your bliss. Don't worry about tripping - you'll land on your foundation and get up again, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other. You will get there as soon as you fully arrive internally, and you are so close to completion already. You will see it once you believe it.

Pile 2

6 of Wands, The Hanged Man

You are exactly where you are supposed to be, in the exact context and circumstances you see at this very moment, inside and out. The conditions are perfect for you thrive in. You might have to get a little unorthodox in your approaches, and the shape of other people's successes sometimes clouds your inspiration, but let good be good enough for now. Think of past you - they prayed to have what you have now.

Okay, yes, they were a little misguided in a few details of their wishes (thankfully rejection is divine protection), and in thinking once you would be here, everything would be perfect - life is still life, you are still human - but the lessons that led you here widened your understanding of how everything had to happen this way. Guess what, future you will look back at this very moment with the exact same wisdom and compassion.

You can work with what you have at your disposal and rightfully expect the glory of tangible progress. Just keep doing what you are doing already, keep it simple and managable, and there will be nothing significant standing in your way. Those bouts of stagnation? That's where the depth of your skills comes from in the first place. Just like muscles, the soul and mind need their periods of liminal passivity to come back with full force to charge you ahead. You are on the right track. You are doing great. You can be proud of yourself.

Pile 3

Page of Swords, 10 of Wands

Oh dear. It's okay to say you are tired. It's okay to break apart. It's okay to hurt and just want to quit it all. Why are you carrying all this by yourself, tasks and thoughts alike? Don't you know the relief once you put them both down? For the thoughts: Speak, write, scream. To somebody, or nobody. The most important part is admitting it. Then at least you are freed of the burden to act like everything is fine. I know you are scared, I know you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if you knew for sure you could let go. But I trust in the magic of coincidences, and you reading this right now tells me you need to stop swimming against the current and let the flow carry you downstream.

Stop clinging to things that only stay if you wreck yourself. The tide will wash them out of your hands anyway, because soon you will reach your body's limits, and then the decision will be made for you. Let the dam break. Let nature take its course. You are so smart and truly believed the best, I can see that, and it's no lack of character that caused things to go this way. But this wasn't meant for you. I know it hurts. I hurt with you. But once you stop fighting gravity, you will be drawn to what is truly for you. Put the burden down. I know you had the best intentions, but it's over. You can rest now.

Pile 4

9 of Cups, Knight of Pentacles

You already know this, but slow and steady does indeed win the race. Instead of doing a million things exhausting yourself, you are focusing on a handful of daily tasks, knowing they will lead you exactly where you want to be. Time and consistency are on your side. You know you don't have to be perfect and can always pick up where you left off. Appreciation from outside sources resonates with your own satisfaction about how things are playing out for you.

Your longterm goals seem closer than ever. You have your routine down pat, and trust in your ability of finding even better tweaks and spins for it in the future. This calm air of confidence looks so good on you! You have earned it. You can read the signs relative to your success, know which road to take, and which pitfalls to avoid. You feel incredibly rich and know how to pass the time until certain things come to fruition. It used to make you anxious when you were faced with slowpaced processes, and you fell back on less sustainable approaches to selfsoothe. Now you appreciate the journey itself, even welcome the delays, so you have ample time to smell the flowers on the side of the road.

[soaringwide]

PAC: What is the current situation of this job and where is this leading you?

[ko-fi extended: What shift to make to improve your situation?]

PILE 1 > PILE 2 > PILE 3

In today's readings, I'm going to take a look at your current job situation, as well as where this is leading you.

In the ko-fi extended, I'll take a look at what shift you can do to improve your situation, and we'll see if it has to do staying in the same spot and do things a bit differently, or changing job or career altogether.

Keep your situation in mind when selecting a pile, and, as always, remember that this is a general reading meant for multiple people and that not everything might resonate, so take it or leave it and remember you are the one who makes the final decision.

If you like my style, feel free to check out my paid readings on ko-fi or the link bellow.

Link to part 2 extended on ko-fi.

book a reading ★ all PACs ★ pinned post ★ instagram

PILE 1 - Black Horse Head

Cards: Queen of Wands, 7 of Wands, Temperance, Forgive, the Moon, Strength, Love, Nurture, 5 of Swords, 6 of Pebtacles, 8 of Swords, Dreams, Let Go, Jealousy, the World, 6 of Cups, the Emperor, Slow Down, Trauma, Acceptance

Current job situation

This job represents a lot for you, in the sense that I can see that you had to struggle a lot to get where you are currently. This position didn't fall on your lap on its own, you had to fight for it, learn resilience and work towards it patiently day by day. It made you a very ambitious and driven person. I think this is also somewhat healing for you to be where you are, in the sense that you it's correcting the wrongs of your past. Perhaps you thought you would never achieve it, but then you did, and it makes you confident in your abilities and yourself in a way that you weren't before.

I think some days might be harder than others, some days you might need to compromise in order to keep the peace of the situation, be compassionate and see things from a wider perspective in order not to get caught into petty drama, but overall, I think the situation is pretty positive, although not perfect by any means. For one, I don't think your situation is perfect on the financial side of things, as I see a lack of signs for that for you right now, or perhaps it doesn't offer you enough ease or stability as you might need.

How does that make you feel

I think you enjoy what you're doing in this job and that it really makes you feel like you're growing skill-wise and nurturing yourself professionally. Perhaps it's giving you opportunities to do so, or perhaps simply the job itself pushes you to improve constantly due to the tasks and challenges you are facing. There is this idea that it's making you more refined and more experienced at tackling whatever you need to do at your current job.

However, there is something bubbling under the surface, and I'm getting the idea that you might fear stagnation at some point. You might be wondering if it's all you can do and if there is not something else that could help you grow even more. It might partly be a financial concern too. Perhaps you feel like you could earn more for what you do, or receive more success and recognition than you currently have.

What are you thinking about

Here it's quite interesting because while your feelings where pretty positive overall, you are thinking a lot more critically about this situation.

You think you are a bit stuck at the moment and can't see where things could go from here. It's like, yeah I'm here handling things amazingly, but what more is there for me? Am I giving more than what I receive? Am I getting the short hand of the stick and losing on some benefits? You're wondering if you should let go of this, comparing what you have to what others have and dreaming about what your life could be like in a different setting. It's creating some resentments and making you wonder if you should do something about your situation. It's also like after all you've fought, the dust has settled and now your fighting spirit is looking for the next battle, but going round in circles not knowing where or how to direct this drive, making you feel a bit caged in.

To be more clear, it's like yeah my situation is not too bad, but check what others have elsewhere and that I could get too, isn't that tempting? There is a hint of jealousy here, which is not necessarily a bad thing because it can be a powerful driving force, but yeah it does indicate a tendency to compare yourself to what you see around.

Where is this situation leading you?

There will definitely will be a point where a chapter will come to an end, and you will have to make a choice.

There is a desire for new financial and professional opportunities, the need to grow on that front and improve your conditions. But I think it's not a simple choice and that it will feel quite overwhelming and hard to make. I'm thing that could happen, is to take on more responsibilities, either with a higher role that gather more recognition, or a leadership position.

However, this will require some personal sacrifice on your part that you might not feel completely at ease to make and may be quite painful too. While that happens, you may start to feel like you want to focus on simpler things, a sweeter life that allows you to slow down and really appreciate the little things and rekindle with joyful times and a more carefree mindset. It's entirely possible that when this opportunity to climb up arise, so arise the doubts and the need to take things easy, so it will be complex to navigate.

In the extended for you Pile 1, I'll look at what shift you can make in your career to improve your situation. Head over here to see (membership needed).

PILE 2 - Orange Fiery Horse

Cards: The Moon, Creativity, 8 of Pentacles, Change, Queen of Wands, Sorrow rx, 9 of Swords, Love rx, 2 of Cups, Wheel of Fortune, King of Swords, 7 of Pentacles, Healing rx, Knight of Swords, Ace of Swords rx, the Fool, the Tower, King of Wands, Justice, Queen of Cups, the World rx, Knight of Cups, Protect your Feelings

Current situation

I can see that you're working hard, not only simply to do your job well, but also to sharpen your own skills in order to prepare you to expand professionally. I see you being drawn to changing something and throwing yourself in the work even more so that you are fully prepared when this time comes. You want your work to shine for you, to show what you're capable of, and transform your life as a ripple effect.

There was a time where you didn't feel confident in your abilities, you used to feel less-than, unworthy even, might have been a late bloomer professionally who took longer than others to find their stability. This was not an easy space to be in and created a lot of emotional and mental pain. I see that you've overcame that though and are now standing much more confident and optimistic. Yet this left a mark on you and I think, you still hold the shadow of your struggle close to your heart and I think you haven't totally left this shaky, survival mode totally.

Because you're currently quite confused about where this job or career is leading you. I think that for some of you, this career requires you to use your creativity in some way, and I see that you may be wondering whether your creative skills are best used here or perhaps are wasted a little bit. There is this idea that you might dim your creative light a bit when applying it to the tasks, working rather than creating. Would make sense if it talks about a creative job that is different from what an artist does. I think you're wondering if it's the right path.

This is making you doubt everything, seeing all that you are lacking, pressing on your old and current wounds. You might be falling out of love with what you do and this is causing immense pain, you might have trouble sleeping or a sleep schedule out of whack at the moment. You're thinking a lot about what is happening, what could go wrong, and above everything what is missing from your life. I really get a passionate, creative person who see things on a big scale and is feeling frustrated with the current situation.

What are you feeling

Here the idea of time and fate comes very strongly. It's like you've been waiting and waiting for your moment to shine to come, and you can feel things could take a turn soon. I think you desire to feel in tune with yourself and the world, to feel like what you do matters and help make the world a better and more harmonious place. Success is desirable but I don't think you're necessarily after that, it's more about meaning and purpose, passion and personal accomplishment here. You want to merge your soul with what you do, and you haven't been able to do that yet.

You have high goals and you know you can go after them, it's just that it's like it's behind a thick wall and I see you growing frustrated by how long it's taking. You're not an impatient person, on the contrary, you've proved time and time again that you were resilient and patient, going after your goals one by one, step by step, and harvesting what you could when it was time.

I also see that this feeling that things are about to shift feels like the last piece to your healing, which is currently a bit at a standstill due to your external circumstances. It's like you feel a bit stagnant, again waiting for an opportunity, anything to confirm what you feel inside.

What you're thinking about

Here, first, there is the thought that you need to do things now, that you can't wait anymore. There is a sense of urgency here and a restless energy making you look for something, anything to get out. A crack in the wall to pulverize and escape. However, there is a lack of clarity, and it's like you're splashing water, going round in circle in your head, hurrying without knowing what you're doing or where to direct your energy. You could be trapped in a vicious cycle of picking up projects and letting them go very regularly, because you feel this pull to do something and you follow the excitement, but then there is that lack of clarity regarding where to go with that so you drop it and jump onto the next thing.

You're also thinking that in order to reach that point where you can embark on that new journey towards your true passionate and unique path, you need to throw a big kick into what you currently have. You want a clean slate, you want to break free and be able to walk lighter towards something better. I can sense a lot of mental restlessness again, perhaps even some aggressiveness and desire to burn the bridge behind you. You're tired of feeling like a caged animal and I see you going on in grand discourse in your head about how you don't agree with this situation and how it's tying you up and how you're not meant to live that.

Where is this leading you

Okay so this section assumes that you're staying where you are.

In case you don't leave or change path, I see you taking on more responsibilities and challenges within you current role. Putting your foot down and asking to reposition what you do to do more of what you need and less of what you don't. Rebalancing things in a way, improving your situation while not making a drastic change. This would allow to sooth the tension a bit and allow you to expand in a way that you wish within the same role. Could also mean taking more of a leadership role for some of you.

However, I don't think it will solve anything on the emotional satisfaction side of thing. I think you will still get caught dreaming about what other amazing thing you could do and how that would make you feel so much more fulfilled. You may still feel like you're achieving nothing here, feeling stuck on a phase that you can't get past, still waiting for that turn of events. This may make things turn sour down the line, despite your efforts to ease the tension.

In the extended for you Pile 2, well take a look at how to shift things, especially when it comes about NOT stating where you are, and what it could look like and could bring you. Head over here to read it in my ko-fi memberships.

PILE 3 - Horse Couple

Cards: 2 of Pentacles, Ambition rx, Unknowing, 5 of Swords, Resentments rx, 9 of Wands, Overwhelmed, 10 of Pentacles, Anger rx, the Hanged Man rx, Anxiety rx, the Tower, Courage rx, 2 of Pentacles, Nurture, 7 of Wands, Relieved rx, 5 of Cups, Wounded Heart, the Star, Happiness, 7 of Cups, the Hierophant, the High Priestess

Current situation

Your current job situation seems very unstable in the sense that it seems to be the source of a lot of tensions, if not straight up full of conflicts, but also because you don't see how it could provide you with opportunities for personal growth. I want to say something like "it cut your wings", as if it rendered you unable to go after your dreams because you just had to follow that path in the past. You do know that things are possible, but the darkness you see is so thick that you can't pierce through it. And all the things happening at work make everything worse because it is so draining. You keep everything on the inside to stand strong in front of what is happening, but it's no use and it keeps bubbling up to the surface anyway. I can sense a lot of repressed anger, intense frustration due to the fact that you are currently unable to build something worthwhile for yourself. There is a glaring lack of positive feelings in your reading, as if they were all drained out. The only things remaining are the sharp words storming around you, the burns of the battle fought every day, and the shaky ground upon which you can't build anything.

What you're feeling about that

With the Hanged Man in reverse, I think you don't feel ready to leave though. You are scared to take a risk that could prove worse than your current situation, and even if you know that not trying anything will not result in any new opportunity, the fear of failure and rejection is keeping you stuck. I think you have trouble facing those fears and you're pushing them down, preferring staying in your comfort zone even if that means not changing anything. You feel things are about to go up in flames, or you already living it, but you'd rather see it through than moving before it's time. It's like you feel that as long as you're not facing a pile of ashes, you won't feel like it's time to move on, strangely.

What you're thinking about

I do feel that the thought of what lies ahead is present in your head though. The desire to plant a new seed somewhere else and tend to it. However you're still doing it in the rotten comfort of your current situation, hiding behind a wall of foggy plans where you don't have to take any actions because it's all in your head at the moment. You feel worried at the thought of getting out there and confronting the obstacles that will stand in your way. Perhaps even you're imagining them worse than what they could be, the worse possible scenario before you've even attempted anything. You focus on everything you would be loosing instead of seeing that you actually need to drop a lot of things off, that it might not be such a bad thing in the end considering your current situation, and that you are not actually losing everything, you still have a lot on your side. It's like a very anxious and neurotic attachment to your current circumstances. You know it's not good yet you feel like it's going to be the end of the world if you lose it, unable to imagine something else.

Where is this leading you

So if things stay as they are, I see you continuing this cycle of indecision, deluding yourself and refraining from making a choice, which in itself is a choice, you know, until things become so tense within you that you are forced in one direction. There is a choice to make though, and it's between two things:

One, keep playing by the rules, saving face and keeping up appearances in the hope of being granted what you deserve if you play the game right. Waiting for grace to finally be bestowed upon you, like a prayer answered. It has to do with following a structure, climbing the ladder or entering a contract or partnership of some kind. All within a well established structure that you are a part of. Finally being acknowledged by the system in place, being seen as deserving for doing things right.

Two, and this is triggering a lot of fears for you, a more solitary and twisted path. It would be about embracing your own inner guidance and spending time in your own darkness to learn from it. Lending a hear to what your soul is actually telling you. There is silence and solitude. The need to find your own path removed from the system.

So this is the choice where your current situation is leading you. In the ko fi exclusive extended, I'll look at what do you need to know to make that choice, and what you can do right now to shift things in your favor. Head over here to read.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

You know one thing I'm deeply disappointed about how this show does secret identities is they NEVER go for the extreme comedy misunderstandings based on the secret identities.

Like ok, a big fandom thing before season 2 was Lila liking Marinette but hating Ladybug and that would be so interesting! Imagine if Lila assumed Marinette hated Ladybug too because she always leaves when LB shows up and like tried to rope her into a plan or framed her for one of her anti LB schemes!

The funniest thing you can do with a secret identity is give the two halves a perceived dynamic in the public and expand on that! Maybe Adrien seems to hate Chat Noir! Maybe someone other than Andre thinks two sides of the love square are actually a love triangle! Maybe Marinette has to come up with an elaborate excuse for why she knows something and the class assumes she's Ladybug's best friend.

Actually another Idea I had is Chat Noir discovering Marinette had the Miracle Box and assuming "oh Ladybug decided to leave the box with Marinette so someone would always be watching it while we're fighting Hawkmoth, how clever!"

How did this go for five seasons and we NOT end up with a beat like that it's COMEDY GOLD.

(I mean obviously it's not a requirement of any secret identity story, I personally just think it would have been really funny)

Preaching to the choir here! I delight in using the secret identities for comedy gold! I think the problem is that it's really hard to do these sorts of plots in a single episode and then let them vanish from the characters' memories. Serious identity shenanigans only work if you're allowed to progress the plot and draw things out over a few episodes. Being okay with an identity reveal is also a big part of these things as most good identity shenanigans with Adrien, Marinette, and their friends eventually lead to a reveal. If you're not okay with a reveal or even just a change in the status quo, then these stagnate quickly.

My fics that focus on comedic identity shenanigan are all tension builds where things get ever more ridiculous until everything breaks and the reveal happens. That seems to be true across the fandom and of course it is! If you want to do serious identity shenanigans, then you have to let them change things.

If you don't want to let things change, then the identity shenanigans need to stay a minor, cheap gag. A good example of this is Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb. Perry is the titular characters' pet platypus who is secretly a secret agent. It's a cute gag, but it's also not a serious thing that they boys need to know, so the shenanigan around this secret identity are pretty minimal because the more narrative weight this secret gets, the more it needs to have an end game.

Take Adrien hating Chat Noir as an example. Great concept! Love it! But where does that concept go if we can't let anyone in on his secret? That's the payoff to the joke. The reveal that makes it all make sense. But we can't have that, so we can't make Adrien hate Chat Noir.

It's like a comedic version of Lila's lies. Even if those were well told, the fun would be in the anticipation of Lila's reveal. No reveal and the lies are just annoying no matter how good they are.

[magicpotatothoughts]

I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD LUO BINGHE UNTIL NOW

Holy shit I was so swayed by SQQ’s POV that I honestly never truly understood LBH’s intentions until I read this line In Ch 2 (SVSSS Seven Seas)/Ch 13 at the demonic evasion arc:

When a person is affected with Without a Cure, starting from their wound, their spiritual flow becomes disconnected. This schism slowly spreads to their entire body. In the end, not only does their spiritual qi coagulate and stagnate, so does their blood."

So then when in Ch 6 (SVSSS SS)/Ch 34, LBH fed SQQ his blood and subsequently used his blood to seemingly "torment" SQQ during the water prison arc, all of this got me thinking....

What if everything LBH did with his demonic blood this entire time was to save SQQ from Without a Cure?

Like yes, he probably did have other intentions such as tracking him, making SQQ horrified at the fact that he has demon blood inside him when he hated demons so much but I honestly think the main reason LBH forced SQQ to drink his blood, and I would even go further as to say that his main motivation when he trained under Meng Mo, was not to become the “strongest” in the general sense but to heal SQQ. Hear me out. The first thought white lotus LBH has when SQQ got poisoned in Ch2/13 was

the demons had harmed his teacher to the point that he might be crippled—he might even lose his life. And all because of him.

LBH probably was a direct witness to how a whole team of Cang Qiong mountain peak lords needed to revolve around SQQ, with Mu Qingfang constantly providing prescriptions and LQG clearing his meridians and probably YQY hovering around SQQ dying with worries, to maintain his health post the SHL -demon evasion, he must have felt absolutely terrible about it! And that guilt literally haunted our bing-pup like he never once stopped thinking about it; no wonder he offered himself to take care of everything including the nutrition of SQQ's food, snaccs, water, small-big errands, and even wanted to pick that "Snow something Lotus" flower for Shizun! Without a Cure affecting SQQ was on LBH's mind ever since he was 15 and for all 3 years he was in the Endless Abyss.

This is absolutely evident when black lotus LBH returned and started to chase SQQ, SQQ's inner monologue was cursing how Without a Cure is stagnating his ability to coordinate and run, I am certain that LBH was not blind to just how much SQQ was struggling with that poison in his body. My theory was further confirmed when LBH finally caught up to SQQ:

“While Shen Qingqiu was still in the midst of confusion, Luo Binghe flipped his hand over. “You were infected?” .....“This hand of Shizun’s is plagued with misfortunes.”

Bruh, LBH may be giving the sadistic energy of an abandoned demonic child (thanks SQQ unreliable narrator) but here is clear evidence that the thing he was most worried about is SQQ's blood coagulating and him dying of demonic poison. What this tells me is that Without a Cure seemed to be activated and/or further exacerbated by other demonic poisons. LBH was also clearly still carrying the guilt of SQQ saving him with that hand! Following on immediately, what he did was 1) punch SQQ, then 2) says "An eye for an eye. Since Shizun sowed the seeds, he should reap the bitter fruit himself. Shizun should personally make up for himself" and 3) straight up fed SQQ his demonic blood.

White Lotus LBH never died. Both actions are for the benefit of SQQ, 1) I think he did this to get SQQ to cough up coagulated blood after SQQ was poisoned by that Jin Lan City sower and 3) LBH's quick return from Endless Abyss was so that he can feed Shizun his heavenly-blood to help cure him. I have reason to believe that LBH's demonic blood is the CURE to WITHOUT A CURE. Why else pay such specific attention to SQQ's hand out of literally any other body-part after a 3 year reunion?

But what I find most fascinating is 2) LBH’s words are nearly always laced with double meaning. “An eye for an eye” here isn’t necessarily just him blaming SQQ for kicking him and unlocking his demonic heritage but he wants to repay SQQ for taking on Without a Cure back then by giving him his demonic blood as a cure now. Another interpretation is that LBH deflected feeling the guilt of indirectly harming SQQ by verbally jabbing him. He tried to make SQQ feel guilty about tossing him into the Endless Abyss when he himself couldn't bare to think that his Shizun got hurt again on the same hand that saved him all those years ago. SQQ of course is an unreliable narrator and tricks us into thinking that LBH's actions matched his words when if we look closer, they're LITERALLY THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

Right after the reunion, SQQ "didn’t know how he made it back to the Jin Zi Weapons Shop," which has me believing that LBH must have been doing something to surpress SQQ's Without a Cure's effects with his demonic blood.

During the Water Prison arc, LBH seems like he is tormenting SQQ by demonic blood manipulation but if we really read carefully:

…strange sensation of something crawling inside his blood vessels....Luo Binghe said leisurely, “Spleen, kidneys, heart, lungs.” Though it wasn’t to the point of extraordinary anguish, it was still awful to suffer through.

Doesn't this sound like LBH trying to get the blood in SQQ flowing again to prevent coagulation after SQQ had been in presumably a seated position for a long time jailed in the Water prison? Once again, LBH's intentions behind his actions are the opposite of his words, he may be emotionally hurt by SQQ's silent response to him asking whether Shizun regrets kicking him down the Endless Abyss but his first and foremost concern is SQQ's health. This totally explains LBH's extremely low anger points! SQQ seemingly mistook LBH’s worry as anger! If SQQ asked the System for LBH's worrywart points, it would have been like ~the limit does not exist~. 🤯🤯🤯

Bruh, it’s so telling when Gongyi Xiao went to untie SQQ's immortal binding cables two days later when SQQ noted:

His spiritual energy was unmistakably back in operation and flowing smoothly. When he’d been imprisoned, he had been in the middle of a random Without a Cure flare-up, but after two days of being tied up by the immortal-binding cables, the poison had unexpectedly been suppressed again. Was this following the same principle as fighting fire with fire, or how two negatives make a positive?

No SQQ you oblivious gay, LBH was circulating your coagulating blood for you and suppressing the effects of your poison! We as readers can get so misled by SQQ constantly worrying about how Without a Cure randomly stops his spiritual powers that we forget about the actual main issue, blood stagnation and coagulation, which can absolutely kill him. Also, when SQQ escaped the Water Prison, LBH didn't try to manipulate the blood in SQQ's body because now he didn't need to, he’s done it already. He never wanted to do more than what was necessary for Shizun’s health. LBH tried to convince SQQ to come back when he could have used his powers. SQQ always had agency because LBH loves and respects him too much.

The next time SQQ got poisoned was by that sower who hid amongst the Huang Hua Palace disciples in Hua Yue city right before his self-detonation. He couldn't attack the sower with fire but then complained that it must have been Without a Cure that flared up again. Somehow, silly SQQ kept randomly getting himself poisoned so doesn’t it make sense that LBH keeps track of his Shizun so that his own demonic blood could notify him of any potential future SQQ demonic poisonings?

Bruh, the worrywart White-Lotus LBH never fucking died, SQQ ah SQQ you silly silly man. LBH has always been, even if he says hateful words, worried about you and your health and made it his top priority. What made LBH lose his mind though were

everytime LBH tries to save SQQ, SQQ thinks that he is using his demonic blood/demonic poison to do all these unfathomable things when using demonic poison is literally the last thing LBH would do because he has literal guilt trauma around it.

SQQ keeps calling LQG, GYX and literally anyone else to save him when LBH has been the one doing all the work.

Then we arrive at Xing Mo’s recoil exacerbating LBH’s insecurities.

“Shizun, look at what I’ve become. Am I strong enough? Do you know how I spent those years within the Endless Abyss? For three years underground, at all times and all moments, my mind thought only of Shizun. I wondered why Shizun would do this to me, why he refused to give me even a single chance to explain or plead my case.”

He did so much for Shizun’s health but never got a chance to explain why! And then when SQQ self-detonated, LBH thought:

Didn’t Shizun hate his blood more than anything? Wasn’t he unwilling to even be near him, to associate with him at all? So why, at the last moment, had he so gently helped to contain Luo Binghe’s mind, as tender as he had been in those years long past?

The blood here doesn't just have racist but literal connotations, LBH literally thought that SQQ hated the very demonic blood coursing through his veins, so that's why he kept forcing SQQ to drink it. LBH's every action, with me now looking back at all this evidence, is SO fricking justified. From his POV, isn't it more like SQQ is the constantly sick child throwing a tantrum about not wanting to drink bitter medicine? LBH, After all this effort of forcing himself to go through literal hell, training himself, chasing SQQ, imprisoning SQQ (LBH is giving Lan Wangji energy here) so that his Shizun can stop accidentally poisoning himself, SQQ somehow got put in harms way again but on top of that, died because of him. SQQ died whilst also restoring and reaffirming himself as the Shizun who had once been so good to him. 😭😭😭

All this absolute adds so much more weight as to why LBH was never ever going to let SQQ out of his sight ever again, as a corpse or alive, from that moment onwards.

[dreamypisces888]

Synastry : Some Observations Part 2 !!!!!!

But before that please go and follow our brand on AMAZON it is amazing this is the link and we need more followers ! It is Called BEE&YOU and has Food supplements and Skin care Products 100% Natural check it out :

Understanding Synastry: Seeing Value in Challenging Aspects

I really like Ascendant opposition in synastry because the natal charts will be like yin and yang and this is powerful. For example, one person has their Ascendant in Aries while the partner's Ascendant is in Libra. I personally do not think that opposition is a bad sign in Synastry.

Another opposition that I like and I personally experience is Mercury opposition. Yes, this can be challenging but also it can be very interesting because you and your partner might see things differently but you add up to each other. I believe that the conversation would be rich and fun.

As I said, we meet people to evolve, not to stagnate. For this reason, opposition between planets in synastry is not a bad sign. I like seeing the conjunction between Moon and Ascendant in synastry. As we all know, the Ascendant is our first house and Moon is the emotions, so if those are in harmony, this helps a lot with the relationship because someone feels what the other person is. I find it more important than Sun to Sun conjunction if you ask me.

Moon opposition Mars in synastry makes the sex and the attraction crazy between two people. Like that person drives you crazy but you can never get enough of her or him - a bit toxic but hot hot.

If you want to talk about opposites attract, then here is the right situation: Venus opposite Sun in synastry. Oh man, this is a very exciting aspect. Also, for the record, do you know that opposite signs have the same attributes but with slight differences?

Okay, let me give you the example of Leo and Aquarius: Leo is all about the ego but it is personal. Leo people always try to appear awesome in the public eye. Aquarius is the same but shows that differently by being a rebel or odd or creative . Same energy but different approach!

So with Venus opposing Sun in Synastry, each party may love what the other has! What is love and attraction if it is not push and pull? Conjunctions do not mean harmony, to be honest I see them (as?) stagnation! Everything should be about balance. Also, we need relations that make us evolve, not stagnate. For these reasons, I do not see oppositions or squares as challenges but I see them as spices that a relationship needs.

However, some conjunctions can be toxic. Think about it, a conjunction between Pluto and Venus? I see toxic BIG TIME.

I think any mild aspect between Venus and Pluto can be toxic . I have my pluto in Scorpio in 8H and even though I am a pisces Scorpio placements always hurt me and are

I know those are odd observations, but think about what I said and let me know in the comments. Also, do not forget to follow BEE&YOU Page on Amazon!!!!

[writerbuddha]

I am conflicted about something with Star Wars. I have been thinking about the Jedi, Anakin, and what could have been done different and what would have happened if the Jedi Council had just said no to training Anakin.

I feel a lot of Anakin's issues stem from being separated from his mother when he was 9. Luke and Leia handled the lose of their loved ones better because they lost theirs when they were 19. Whereas Anakin spent a decade worrying about his mother because as far as he knew she was a slave until Watto told him what became of her.

I feel if the Jedi had freed her and give Anakin a note from her that explained she was free his training about have gone better and he would have been able to handle things better. And before it is brought up, yes she died when she was free, but my focus is on Anakin and him spending 10 years worrying about her.

But the Jedi do not help her and even stranger she has made no attempt to contact Anakin at the Jedi Temple. I guess she could have, I don't know if the Jedi would allow them to talk. Based on a line from Anakin, he says he's not allowed to be with the people he loves, I assume the Jedi would not.

So we have the story as told and we know what happens there.

If the Jedi Council refuses Anakin's training and he goes back to Tatooine or Obi-Wan leaves and trains Anakin he isn't around Palpatine and all that so he might do better but the Jedi Order still gets taken out.

I did a rewatch of the Prequels over the last few days and found Anakin really was not key to any part of Palpatine's plan. Remove Anakin and Mace and the other masters would not know Palpatine is a Sith Lord when they confront him. Although that situation probably wouldn't happen like that because I believe Palpatine revealed where General Grievous was to get Obi-Wan out of the picture and it is Palpatine that tells Anakin in the opera.

With all this in mind I have come to the conclusion that the Jedi were handed the Golden Ticket (Anakin) to destroy the Sith and instead of cashing it in to win they punched their own ticket out of existence by not addressing the situation with his mother.

The Jedi need Anakin to win, I watched a behind the scenes video where Lucas says the prophecy is real, Anakin is the chosen one, and he does fulfill the prophecy in Return of the Jedi.

And given a theme of Star Wars is nature, balance, and I see that the Jedi Order had reacted it's evolutionary dead end because the Jedi could not adapt to survive which is do something outside their rules and no allowing Anakin's training was not that in of itself. They needed to do more to help the child.

With Lucas confirming the prophecy is real and all that I am left to conclude that Anakin would have destroyed the Sith some other way.

I guess the lesson with the Jedi Order is that institutional stagnation will lead to destruction. The Jedi and Sith are cycles of life, both predators, and the Sith had evolved while the Jedi did not. Nature and the Force are unforgiving I guess.

So I guess in the grand scheme of things, what I am trying to say, is the Jedi Order had reached it's end and was mean to shuffle off.

Dear Anon,

You feel, a lot of Anakin's issues stem from being separated from his mother when he was 9, and you feel, if the Jedi had freed her and give Anakin a note from her that explained she was free his training about have gone better and he would have been able to handle things better.

The thing is, I don't get these feelings when I watch the movies. And I have to admit, I'm a bit in trouble here, because I am not sure if I can put my finger on what evokes these feelings in you. I'm all virtual ears if you are OK with telling me!

To me, it was always clear that Anakin himself tells us the cause of his issues: "I don't want things to change." And as the Jedi Masters point it out: he is afraid to lose his mother. Yoda explains he has much fear in him, which can be a problem, because there's always fear behind anger, which is behind hate, and these are adding up to a state of suffering, which also a state of being on the dark side.

The story what's told illustrates this perfectly.

You imply that you think, the older one gets, the easier for them to handle the loss of a loved one.

With all kindness in my heart, I have to tell you, that's just not true. The only thing age does is that when we get older, we more or less successfully internalize a sense of "I must get over this, I must beat this, I must take this blow with a straight face." So, we learn how to suffer with clenched teeth and screaming and weeping in the inside, because we're told, that's adult and mature. In my experience, real, genuine ability to handle the loss in a constructive way requires ceasing attachment to your loved one and develop unconditional love for them. That is, however, accessible for us in any age.

You say, Anakin spent the ten years between Episode I and II in constant worry for his mother's well-being, which undermined his Jedi training.

Since you said, you re-watched Episodes I-II-III recently, please help me: on which part or parts of the movies you draw this conclusion? What makes you think that he felt that his mother is in constant danger? Because to be honest, I see Anakin being afraid of losing his mother, I see him missing his mother, I see him being sad over not being with his mother, but I don't see him worrying for her well-being. He is afraid of losing her - he is not fearing for her.

He even says, "I don't know why I keep dreaming about her" in Episode II, and when he realizes that he’s having premonitions about his mother being in pain, and returns to Tatooine, his behavior toward Watto is quite friendly, rather than jumping to the conclusion that it must be his former slaver, who harmed Shmi, pretty heavily implying that he did not expect Shmi to get hurt while he is away, training.

You find it strange that Shmi did not contact with Anakin, and you vaguely suggest that she was not allowed to communicate with Anakin, because the Jedi would forbid it.

In Episode II, when they discuss the life of the Jedi Knight, Padmé says, "Must be difficult, having sworn your life to the Jedi... not being able to visit the places you like or do the things you like." To which Anakin replies: "Or be with the people that I love." Now, you read this in a way that says: Jedi Knights are not allowed to do the things they enjoy, visit the places they enjoy or be with the people they enjoy to be with. To me, this does not make too much sense.

To me, the discussion is about the fact that Jedi Knights go to the places and be with the people where they are needed, with who they need them, as their duty dictates this. Not where they would like to be, or with the people they would like to be.

When I watch Episode I, I see no reason to believe that Shmi and Anakin expected to be able to communicate, which makes sense - Tatooine is the seat of a crime lord, it would be rather strange if the heart of the Galactic Republic and the Jedi Order would be a "phone call" away. I'm afraid, you read too much into this, which seems to be founded on the idea that the Jedi are frowning upon love.

You say, the Jedi could have done more for Anakin and they were supposed to change.

Well, at the end of the day, Anakin was resisting their teachings - that's not something that only he could have change. Instead, he wanted to stop things changing, he wanted to stop the sun from setting and to stop people from dying. From where I stand, I can see no flaw in how the Jedi Order operated.

You seem to say that the Jedi Council was wrong to not to say no to training Anakin.

With all fairness, the Jedi Council actually did say no to training Anakin, because he was too old to be trained. In the end, they said yes, because they felt, the right thing to do is to train him to cultivate unconditional love for all living beings, to cease his grasping and clinging to coming and passing things and to overcome his fear, anger, hate and aggression, and to train him to be a selfless guardian of peace and justice in the known universe. So we have the story as told and we know what happens there. But in Episodes IV, V and VI it's powerfully stated that it's not impossible. Luke started his own training even later in his life, and he was able to become a true Jedi Knight, something that Anakin failed to achieve until the very end.

You seem to say, since Darth Sidious would have been able to orchestrate the separatist crisis and the clone wars with the clone army, thus he would have been able to butcher the Jedi and turn the Republic into the Empire without Anakin helping him, proves that the Jedi Order was beyond saving, it was "institutionally dead". And that they are "predators" and they were meant to be erased.

I am truly sorry, but I have to say, I genuine have no idea of what makes you draw this conclusion. I have the feeling that there is something else going on that is unrelated to Star Wars, that you might need to work out... If I'm wrong about this, I apologize. It comes off like something else is going on.

[themackenziemachine]

Played In Stars and Time recently and immediately started making a Sif playlist. Check below the read more for an annotated tracklist! Will you get a favorite lyric? A game quote? Incoherent rambling? Only one way to find out. (Also if you have a favorite song, or thoughts or songs you like for them that I don't have let me know! I don't bite)

Breathing Underwater Metric

(You breathe in, and out.)

Time Will Change You The Crane Wives

Something hurts, something aches/ Something bends until it breaks/ It’s only time that tortures you

(A neat song to explore the themes of change vs stagnation)

Achey Bones The Happy Fits

I see, I see it’s too true to believe/ You were just lying next to me/ Hear it all and by the hour forget

And equally good

What you sayin’? What you sayin’/ That I can’t move on?

No Need for Dreaming MisterWives

No halt on the days that we spent wasting away/ You let me in/ Without ever seeking praise/ You overflowed my soul/ And made all good things grow

rock bottom MisterWives

To see how far I could go/ Underneath the lowest low/ To feel anything at all/ Runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ from my life/ I’m playing hide and seek with the light

You’re Not Alone The Mowgli’s

(In this moment, you are loved.)

Numb Little Bug Em Beihold

Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there/ Like you have empathy inside but you don’t really care

Also, also, ALSO

A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope/ A little tired of sinking, there’s water in my boat/ I’m barely breathing, trying to stay afloat

Weight Of Living, Pt. 1 Bastille

All the things you’ve said/ And things  you’ve done/ Can you carry it with no regrets?/  Can you stand the person you’ve become?

Monster Imagine Dragons

[Memory of SADNESSESS] They’re scared of you.

Out of Breath Frank Turner

Insert “start again” screen montage here

Sympathy The Goo Goo Dolls

And I wished for things that I don’t need (all I wanted)/ And what I chased won’t set me free (It’s all I wanted)

Six Feet Patent Pending

Loop voice: Welcome to the real world kid/ You didn't ask to be here, but this is where you are/ And this is all you will know and this is all you will do, follow me

Gotta grind through the slow times/ 'Cause thinking about the clock don't make the time fly/ When you're counting down the minutes, adding up the hours given/ Remember the fact the fight ain't over just because you think you're finished

This Is Home Cavetown

Get a load of this trainwreck/ His hair’s a mess and he doesn’t know who he is yet/ But little do we know the stars/ Welcome him with open arms

Achilles Come Down Gang of Youths

Just, uh…. Just go ahead and imagine that violin in the background of the end of Act 5 fight for a minute. Cool. Thanks

The Scientist Coldplay

Nobody said it was easy/ Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part/ Nobody said it was easy/ No one ever said it would be this hard/ I’m going back to the start

It’s Alright Mother Mother

It’s alright, it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s okay/ You’re not a monster, just a human/ And you made a few mistakes

Best Imitation of Myself Ben Folds Five

(Get back to the stage.) (Follow the script.)

[batsplat]

Tysm for your deep dives into MotoGP I LOVE your posts no matter how long or short, you have such a keen eye and pen for weaving history with narrative and the psychological patterns of the sport. 

I was hoping to hear your take on the decline of the Japanese manufacturers in MotoGP. I’ve only been into the sport since the end of 2023 so still super new!! And I’ve learned so much from ur blog 🙏🏽

Ive been seeing some takes on here about how a lot of prominent MotoGP podcasts present the decline of Yamaha and Honda as a result of the Japanese “culture”. Idk if you’re an avid podcaster so basically there’s this narrative of the Japanese as an isolationist developer which refuses to bring in/poach European engineers and copy off Ducati bc of national pride + historical dominance . Also that they’re too risk adverse and slow to develop and test new parts on the bike.

I Totally agree with the tumblrinas that this  seems very one-note (and racist) analysis to say a “cultural difference” is the ONLY thing influencing the Japanese teams decline over the last decade. Would you know/could guess of any other factors that could’ve led to this decline in performance? Sorry for the long ask <3

never apologise for a long ask, and that's very kind!!

I haven't seen the tumblr takes but I do listen to the podcasts - and yup, some of the discussions of the japanese manufacturers make me pretty uncomfortable. on a semi-related note, sometimes feels like motogp for an individual sport is oddly preoccupied with questions of national character and broad strokes generalisations of entire countries/linguistic groupings/continents? idk, I can't articulate it well, but I do think it's a thing... in any case, the cultural essentialism when it is directed at japan often threatens to take on quite a condescending, patronising tone. essentially propagating a narrative that the wise europeans need to go over to japan to teach them their ways etc etc... it's really not great

now, the problem we're faced with here is that like a lot of people, I get most of my motogp news from the guys who are also doing the podcasts. which means that I am inevitably pretty reliant on them in forming my own opinions on this sport - like,, I'm not going to know all these other factors for the current struggles of the japanese manufacturers if they don't tell me about them. that being said, sometimes it's an issue of framing more than it is of the actual content of the reporting. to the best of my knowledge, it does seem true that japanese manufacturers have stagnated in part because they haven't hired widely enough, including probably from the europeans. this isn't because europeans are inherently better at designing bikes - the japanese manufacturers did dominate the sport for decades, after all - but that's just how things go sometimes... centres of knowledge shift, it's easy to fall behind. right now, for the current formula of the sport, getting yourself dall'igna or a dall'igna protege seems like the way to go. it's not some uniquely japanese national pride or intransigence that has made them so sluggish in embracing the new era... it's mostly just human nature that you're going to be resistant to change if your way has been the right way for a long time, right

worth pointing out that plenty of manufacturers can be arrogant about this kind of thing, including the italians. look at ducati's complacency after winning the 2007 title that sent them on a bit of a downward spiral until around 2014 - not helped by how they didn't rate their star rider and only had a wake up call when they gave their national idol an unrideable trash can for two years. which brings us to another reason for why the japanese manufacturers are doing so badly: the margins being so small nowadays. like, in absolute terms, honda/yamaha aren't dramatically further away from ducati than ducati was to honda/yamaha in circa 2012, but everything is just a lot closer now and you've got a million ducatis plus an assortment of aprilias and ktms to reliably slot into that gap. doesn't help!! so suddenly you're finishing p14 rather than p7 in the championship... a related factor is how strong satellite teams are nowadays; in the alien era, riders not on a factory bike were generally at way more of a disadvantage than they are now. that era specifically also featured quite a 'weak' grid for various reasons related to the impact of the financial crisis, teams lacking resources and dorna making up the numbers with crt bikes, etc... the point is that while on paper ducati's wilderness years look considerably less catastrophic than what's happening now, the strength of the current grid has made honda/yamaha's situation look even worse than it otherwise would. what's happened to the two traditional powerhouses in the series is pretty unprecedented, but not entirely so

that being said, obviously honda and yamaha are in serious trouble - and have been for a while now. you can kinda get into the weeds with both of them about how their competitive situations have developed... honda's overreliance on marc, for instance, their willingness to build a bike nobody else could ride - or how yamaha traditionally treated their satellite teams as customers rather than partners, plus how they never really managed to respond to long-standing rider concerns about the bike that went all the way back to when they had valentino/jorge on their team. (yamaha being chronically underpowered is something that does actually crop up in the mid noughties and never quite went away - there's something kinda fascinating about how motogp bikes in some respects seem to have quite an immutable character.) I wrote a short 'how did we get here' post for honda specifically - and as mentioned in that post, setting aside fabio's 2021 title, the decline for yamaha basically started when the switch to michelins and ecu happened in 2016. on the flip side, you can also focus on the ducati side of the equation and figure out how they've gotten so good, from how they've pushed the sport on in their technical developments with the wings and infernal ride height devices and all of that... how aprilia and ktm have been more willing to just straight up copy them, while the established powerhouses have been more reluctant to change their ways. you can point to how the pandemic (plus the war in ukraine) impacted different manufacturers to differing extents - including of course in making the third japanese manufacturer leave the grid entirely

which is all well and good, but it would still be interesting to get a bit more insight into why it's the japanese manufacturers specifically that have been flagging so badly. it feels like there's a pretty obvious next step here - get some takes from japanese people themselves. this does feel like something english language reporting on motogp in general is woefully short on given how big a role japan plays in the sport... journalists seem far more likely to discuss what has been reported in italian or spanish or german or whatever sources than drawing from japanese publications. which feels like a problem!! I have a twitter list with a few japanese accounts that talk about motogp, and I've tried to poke about to figure out some answers to this issue before. one bloke who seems to be quite well-respected and established in the paddock is akira nishimura, who writes for this japanese site and also occasionally publishes columns in the japanese version of motorsport dot com. now, I'm aware that getting one japanese perspective and drawing conclusions solely on the basis of that isn't ideal, but I reckon getting one japanese perspective is still better than getting none at all. so let's get some of his thoughts!

firstly, here is an article about the transfer of 'brainpower' between suzuki and honda after suzuki left the sport. I thought this was really interesting in terms of discussing some of the structural factors at play here that can help explain why there haven't been more outside hires:

isn't this helpful? cut out all the essentialising bullshit, and here we have some actually useful context. even namechecks the dall'igna move from aprilia to ducati as something that wouldn't really happen with japanese manufacturers - and yes, that does feel like it would be a problem if it means you're trying to figure out this aero business with no outside help. also helps contextualise how the big name hires made by yamaha and very recently honda are pretty significant, given how relatively unprecedented they are. and here is another article about how japanese companies are structured, in the context of poorly timed reshuffles at honda. again, it's not about the japanese needing to be 'shown the way' or some such crap... it's just that right now, the people best equipped to figure out the current formula of bikes are probably being employed by some european manufacturer or other and you probably want to get them on board. you hire their guys and copy their tricks, tale as old as time

then there's this column from last year about ducati's current dominance, which is useful in both giving us some insight about what some of the japanese discourse looks like as well as in providing explanations for the current malaise

that's really the main takeaway, isn't it - it's all part of the competitive cycle. sometimes it's european manufacturers who have had the upper hand, sometimes it's the japanese ones. there'll always be some competitive paranoia and mudslinging going on, as well as heavy criticism of those who are currently losing out - and at times people will get pretty racist about it. also makes sense that a more closed-off approach to knowledge sharing would help you when you're the ones currently winning, right, whereas it'd hurt you when you need to have some knowledge shared with you... ducati is doing really well because they happened to crack the code for how to build the best bikes for this current era in motogp, and the japanese manufacturers probably should have been faster in copying them. that's how it goes sometimes

also - while I haven't differentiated between english language reporters in this post, it is worth pointing out that the bloke I've been citing has been published on the motomatters website and was on an episode of the paddock pass podcast when news first broke of suzuki's withdrawal back in 2022. that one's obviously primarily just focused on suzuki - but it's still interesting, not least because suzuki was at least doing better than honda when they withdrew from the sport. the episode also discusses some historical context surrounding the last time the sport was in crisis in the late noughties with the financial crisis and kawasaki's withdrawal. then there's a thursday paddock notes episode from motegi last year, which included this exchange:

Q: Akira, is it enough to change personnel in Japan, or do you think there also needs to be some harder implementation of a program in Europe? I mean, we see Cal Crutchlow is doing a wildcard appearance this weekend for Yamaha, he was talking a little bit about Yamaha's processes and it does seem that there needs to be kind of a harder effort on both sides of the world for the Japanese to make some big strides quickly. Nishimura: I think only changing personnel doesn't change anything. Probably they will - it's my personal impression but probably they have changed their engineering philosophy, or their organisational structure itself. And [I would say] changing, or fixing. [...] Even if they bring some more from Europe to Japan, that guy cannot work how they want to. So the problem is down to structure itself or their management in engineering.

look. it's a complicated topic and we're not going to get into all the nuances in one tumblr post. obviously you'd want to get a bunch more sources than this from inside japan to get a better sense of what's going on. I am not an expert on the japanese labour market and kind of just have to take this reporting at face value, which isn't ideal. but let's just finish this post off with a list of plausible-ish-sounding reasons for why the japanese manufacturers been struggling so badly (x, x, x):

smaller margins between bikes, more competitive european manufacturers, and the strength of satellite teams exaggerating how far behind honda/yamaha have fallen

ducati bringing in dall'igna, the subsequent aero revolution, and the fact that the other european manufacturers have been more willing to copy ducati than the japanese manufacturers have been

japanese manufacturers being less willing to employ outside hires in their important roles, limiting the extent to which they can make use of ideas already developed elsewhere

a more sluggish development rate, leading to a bike that isn't changing fast enough to deal with the scale of the problem they're facing

somewhat nebulously characterised differences between european and japanese manufacturers, criticising the working process of the latter - in particular their conservatism in making changes to the bikes

the delayed impact of cost cutting measures implemented after the 2008 financial crisis, which has forced manufacturers to rethink their approach to testing. having to operate from both a japanese and european base - in particular in the context of the pandemic - has hindered the japanese manufacturers

a more substantial language barrier between test riders and engineers than in european manufacturers - paired with a conservatism in not letting enough race weekend testing happen. there has been a post-dall'igna cultural shift away from that conservatism in european manufacturers that has helped them progress faster

ducati making better use of their satellite teams, partly by running more bikes and partly just by treating them better (cf yamaha scaring off their satellite teams)

so yeah, I agree with the distaste for some of the english language reporting on this issue - though my issue primarily isn't with the actual content of the reporting as much as it is with how it's being framed, how the problem is being diagnosed. you can say that the current approach to testing probably isn't ideal and also that they need to be poaching more brainpower without talking about how all this reflects the japanese national character or whatever. just... dial down the condescension, guys. and maybe tell us what japanese sources themselves are saying now and again

[thejessc0de]

Do you have any tips for someone who is trying a more realistic aproach for their art style? your painting and lighting are so good that I had to ask 🤠

Thank you!

So this question is actually pretty hard to answer, mostly because I still consider myself a beginner/hobbyist, and I'm pretty sure a lot of my technique comes from the ~5 years of classical art training I received in middle school and high school, and that's so fuzzy I can't tell what's intuition or muscle memory! I can go over some of my workflow/thoughts though and hopefully some of it is useful!

The first thing is that for realism, You. Need. References. It is impossible to replicate the level of detail in a realistic painting without a reference. I usually pick a reference, try to draw that reference exactly, and once I have the proportions correct, I'll change it to match the character/scene I'm drawing (move an arm, tilt the head, add a hand, make the eyes bigger, add anime hair etc. haha). Over time you'll get more comfortable moving away from a specific reference and piecing together a bunch of references into something more unique.

Here is an example of a recent post that was fairly simple. I take the reference image (link to reference here) and try to match it, and then I change it to match the character details, in this case, Kashimo.

As for the lighting, when I first started, my colors were a mess! I already know basic color theory which helps, but it didn't help enough haha. What I think helped me learn the quickest was color picking - in krita you can select a color directly from an imported reference figure. So I'd find a reference that I really liked the lighting on, and color picked from it while paying attention to the actual color I was grabbing (how warm it was, gray it was, what the typical skin tones were, etc).

Later on as I started to learn what types of color palettes I really liked working with, I'd open the reference photo in Krita and tweak the image's contrast and sometimes completely change the lighting and colors. However, at some point I started using it as a crutch and my skills stagnated, so you need to be careful! However, now I've progressed to the point of doing a painting in black and white and adding the colors later (with no color picking!), sometimes even without a reference for the color. This was a slow and painful process, so don't expect things to make sense overnight!

Also, don't forget that you don't have to make the colors perfect in one shot. Usually I'll color things using a color layer with minimal detail and basic color tone (Itadori's hair is soft pink, his hoodie is bright red, etc), and then create shadows and lighting with multiply and overlay layers (blues and purples for night, etc.). Eventually I'll build up the color and merge all the layers together, and then add details in full color. I can color pick from other parts of the painting to maintain consistency. Then to finish things off, I almost always tweak the colors and contrast using filter layers.

Here is an example from that same Kashimo painting, going from black and white to full colors using color, multiply, and overlay layers, and then ending with full color details.

As a side note, starting out in black and white can make things so much easier. When you're only worried about values, you can really focus on shadow depth and the shapes of things. It's so much easier to explore rendering when you're not trying to do color on top of everything! Don't try to do everything at once.

The rendering style I use is based heavily on trying to replicate the feeling of actual oil painting. I use the (free!) art program Krita, and my favorite, most used brush is from a free pack I downloaded from deviant art (here). I use the brush called R T Masked4 (shown below) for basically 90% of any painting I do. I use about 4 brushes total on a typical painting (R T Masked4, that same brush but tweaked to be narrower for hair details, a smudge brush that I discovered maybe 10 days ago that I'm now obsessed with, and sometimes a scratchy brush for additional texture).

One last thing - don't be afraid to use tracing! Block in a reference photo to get the head and shoulders in the right place!! Trace a few hands to see how it feels!!! Obviously don't trace somebody's art and present it as your own, and it should only be rough approximations of shapes so you learn how to break down the body into parts. Otherwise, it won't be helpful at all. I only use photographs for tracing, including pictures I've taken of myself. One of the more helpful things I'll do is free hand my drawing and try to make it match the reference as closely as possible. Then, on a separate layer, I'll trace the reference photo (again, no details, just general positioning/shapes), and compare it to my original drawing. I can immediately see the issues, and I'll use the liquify tool to get things in the right place. I've learned that my horizontal spacing is usually pretty good, but I struggle with vertical spacing, especially on faces. So now I triple check my work for those specific things!

This kinda turned into a book, I'm sorry! I hope some of this is helpful and doesn't sound like the 10:30pm ramblings of someone who didn't get enough sleep haha.

[imthepunchlord]

You know, I actually think Marinette and Adrien actually suffer from a similar issue. Don't get me wrong, they both have their own unique issues with how they're written, but there is one big issue they both have that I want to focus on. That issue is that the writers put their romances at the forefront of their characters. This has played a big role in the detriment of characters and portrayals. For example, let you at the Marinette in the show and her movie counterpart. Don't get me wrong, I am a Mari fan, but even I can admit the way the writers portray her is problematic with how they make her look like a stalker. Compare this to movie!Marinette who doesn't have those problematic elements because they focused more on her character, struggles, and growth, while her romance stuff was secondary. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I genuinely feel that how Marinette was portrayed in the movie was how the show wanted us to see her but failed because they made her crush on Adrien the forefront of her character. Now, for Adrien, this might be even worse for him since it was detrimental to his character and story. Like you and @nobodyfamousposts said, Adrien had a lot of potential in both his character and story. But all that potential was wasted because they made his crush on Ladybug his whole character and story, which just served to stagnate the show and make Adrien a nothing character. I feel this show can be taken as an example of why a show should never make a lead/main character's main personality trait their crush on someone; it never really works out and just makes people dislike the character.

Sorry if this got ranty; this has been on my mind for a while now, and it just felt good to talk about.

^^^^^^^

Honestly, yeah, the Miraculous Movie was leagues better than the show, and a big part of that is that romance DIDN'T take over the focus and the movie had a story they wanted to tell cohesively, and not drag out. At this time, if you want to watch Miraculous, it's the ideal one to watch.

And that just relates to the core issues of the writing. They DON'T want to progress things, not the romance or the story, and both aspects need progress. But they drag it out. And they let the romance take the center stage, and because they want it dragged out, go certain ways, and work off their comedy, you get a lot of OOCness, cringe, unhealthy pursuits and actions, and a lot of repeated issues cause we can't have that progress.

And that's not going to fly for this show and set up.

If sticking to the status quo is what they wanted, they should've changed things up drastically.

Have no overarching story that pleads to have progress. Have a mish mash of villains to face, not just HM, Mime could be his own villain, any cut villains from other shows could appear here, like the gargoyles, witches, and vampire from Pixie Girl. And they could have different shenanigans and scenarios that the leads get into and have to get out of. You can do little arcs of story or character focused, but have no overarching story to follow along. Kinda like how Teen Titans went about things.

This could've made the direction they took roll better, cause by set up, it's not meant to really progress anything. It's just here to give you the adventure and shenanigans of the day.

[usedpidemo]

Update - 2nd year anniversary! (plus a reflection, and future plans).

Hi everyone! π here.

Today, May 13th, is the day I officially opened up this blog and began writing degenerate and immoral stories! 2 fucking years have passed, how time flies. So much can change in a year, and so do some of the stats!

First work: Sandwich - Red Velvet Wendy (published 05/13/21, 4:03 a.m.)

Highest note count: Awards after-party affair - Itzy Yuna (published 10/23/22, 1167 notes)

Number of works published: 80 fics (1 fic every 9.1 days)

500 followers: June 18, 2021 (36 days or 1 month, 5 days)

1,000 followers: October 12, 2021 (152 days or 4 months, 30 days)

2,000 followers: June 18, 2022 (401 days or 1 year, 1 month, and 5 days)

3,000 followers: November 12, 2022 (548 days or 1 year, 5 months, and 30 days)

Follower count: 3,953 followers (5.4 followers a day)

I wish I had something awesome lined up to celebrate this milestone, but I don't have anything prepared XD I've been busy and lazy at the same time. (Is that even possible?)

Actually, yeah, I do have a whole week's worth of cool things lined up this week! If I can even follow through with this one...

Monday: AMA

Tuesday: Reader Poll

Wednesday: ???

Thursday: ???

Friday: ???

I don't want to make the fun section of the update elaborately long, so I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for the support! Even though I'm not as active or as productive as I used to be, your eagerness never wavered, and you guys enjoy me talking about random shit on the side, whether it be song lyrics, Pokémon, or literally posts without any context to them. I love you guys. Here's to another year 🧡

Everything else from this point is a brief reflection and introspection of what I've been feeling since then. You can ignore this if you wish to do so.

So today marks the second anniversary since I opened up this Tumblr and became a degenerate writer. The work I've been putting up is getting worse—in a sexual and filthy way, not objectively—and my mental health has been getter much, much better! When I made the same anniversary post around this time a year ago, I was at an all-time low, mentally speaking. I really felt like I had not much left to give at that point, my skill has stagnated, and I thought there wasn't much for me to improve on. If you asked me if I had any future plans for this blog, I'd say I'd be done by the end of 2022, if not sooner.

It's now 2023, and I believe I'm as good as I can be right now. Slumps happen for a reason, and you can't always win, but it's how you bounce back from the lowest of lows that you reach highest of highs. And I believe I can still get better.

Genuinely, not to sound arrogant, because Lord knows I'm not the best fanfic writer—fuck no—I'm not anywhere close, even in a theoretical top 1000 list, but I do think some of my finest work have come up in my most recent fics. I don't know, it feels more polished and there was more effort and deliberation put into it. The numbers don't lie, either; every single work I published since May 2022 has over 400+ notes, and I've even passed the 1000+ note barrier twice! It goes to show that you guys are enjoying what I'm putting out as much as I love making them, slow and difficult it may be. I can fondly smile at last year's additions to my masterlist and say, "I can't believe I did that."

I do want to apologize if my output rate has drastically slowed down, and if I'm not as active as I was before. It's unfortunately part of the sacrifice needed for better quality control, and also because I have more personal commitments to attend to. 2023 has been fantastic for me so far in almost every department, except maybe physically—I could use more exercise—but that can be worked upon.

I do believe I'm on borrowed time. Again, look at the gap between fics over the past six months ago, and it's only going to widen once I enter my third year of college. I also have to begin considering what hobbies and other things I should do to occupy my free time, so I can be more productive as a person. This isn't to say I'm definitely quitting, but I expect more responsibilities to be shouldered onto me in the future, and having time for myself is going to be pretty much a birthday gift with how rare it might be given, and I'd prefer spending my time off recharging and relaxing instead of stressing over inconsequential or 'fun' things.

There's a lot of people I want to thank specifically, because while I was struggling with my own personal battles, they've been encouraging me to continue fighting and have been absolute lads—and lasses—throughout the past year. When I needed someone to talk to that wasn't my therapist, they were there, and I took solace in their comfort and companionship. I can't tag you guys, but if you're reading this—Chunk, Raf, Peach, Aaron, Sol, V1n, Iz, Ddeun, C.o, Kaede, Frisky, Smite, Shaun, Sins, Jett, Eros, Prael, Ken, Cray, CJ, Sooya, Gray, Svn—I sincerely thank you. God bless each and every single one of you. And to Tim, I really hope you can see this, but I'm truly, truly sorry. I hope we can find a way to bury that fracture in our relationship in the past, and we can reconcile. If not, then I just want closure and peace for the both of us.

So in closing, I want to thank you so much for sticking with me through the bad times and prospering with me through the good, and I'm always humbled that you've taken a chance on me when I started, when I was a hopeful newbie, two years ago. Now here we are. I appreciate every single one of you, be it a fellow writer, a reader, or a lurker.

With grace,

Peter / π

[bestworstcase]

do you think it will be significantly harder for oz to reconcile with salem’s cause than the rest of rwbyjnor? with the way things are going i can see how the kids could get there but i’m so curious to see how oz will react. even if he is opening up more now, it’s a whole other thing to go back on the mandate and shift his view of salem after how long it’s been.

honestly i think the hardest part is already over in that none of it is buried anymore. for thousands of years ozma wore himself deeper and deeper into this rut, methodically cutting salem out of history until he had nearly absolute control over the fact of her existence. and then he locked the proverbial tower and threw away the key.

he had no plan.

like, prior to the fall of beacon, ozpin was just rotting. he dissociates through all of V1 and only wakes up when qrow alerts him that salem has "pawns" at beacon. and—look.

beacon academy—the school ozma built—is modeled after salem's father's castle. the headmaster's office is in her tower.

what does that tell us about how ozma conceives of himself, how he feels about his task, about what he really wants?

then the lost fable happens. ruby asks what ozpin is hiding, and jinn tells his whole story. he's made to relive it all over again, see himself make these choices once more. (he sees himself tell the god of light no. he hears himself say "that world just isn't as dear to me without her." he sees her tell him the truth—the gods ended the world—and he sees himself choose to tell her nothing, because he didn't trust her, and keep making that choice for years.)

thennn he spends months boiling in self-hatred and guilt before finding the wherewithal to climb back up and try again. he returns with a narrative monologue about fear, and rising above fear:

"fear of growing closer to someone; a subsequent fear of loss. fear of failure. and, as more people depend on you, those fears can take on greater power. but... fear itself is not worthy of concern; it is who we become while in its clutches. will you be proud of that person? will you forgive them? will you understand why they felt the need to do the things they did? will you even recognize them? ...or will the person staring back at you be the very thing you should have feared from the start?"

i wonder

what he might be thinking about, there.

anyways, consider the lyrics of 'until the end':

To live free or die, it’s all the same The enemy was right, there’s no reclaiming In waves of shame We’re desperate to make amends But through a simple soul we lie complacent Love brings us dreams But grief makes the heart burst at the seams As light fills my eyes I’ll picture me beside her And pray that I’ll inspire I promise I’ll be here until the end I promise I’ll be here until… ...Our story has been told Til our bodies break down every door Til we find what we’ve been looking for And stare with pride into the face of fear In our finest hour, I’ll be standing here

and also consider the way 'fear' lists his, er, fears:

We live in fear that we might fail Fear that we'll succeed Fear that we may not provide The things our loved ones need

in waves of shame, we're desperate to make amends.

and, we live in fear that we'll succeed.

ozma believes that the only way to save the world is to destroy salem. the only reason he agreed to return to the world at all was because salem was in it. that world just isn't as dear to me without her.

he's been stuck and stagnating all this time because: 1. he believes everything the god of light told him. 2. he, like salem, believes that the gods will rule against humanity. 3. he's terrified of the world ending. 4. he believes the only way to avoid that is to destroy salem. 5. salem is, and has always been, his reason for living.

he cannot destroy salem because she can't be destroyed. but he also cannot destroy her because given the choice between losing her and losing the world, he would choose her. he already did choose her.

he's afraid to fail. but he's even more afraid to succeed.

the point of contention between him and salem, fundamentally—the reason they're in conflict and the reason they haven't been able to reconcile up to this point—is #1. ozma has faith in the god of light, regards him as the supreme creator, and does not believe that there is any possibility outside of the binary given by the mandate. salem rejects that, utterly.

shatter ozma's faith, and reconciliation becomes possible very quickly, because that is what he wants. it's less that he needs to be persuaded to reconcile with her and more that he needs permission, because right now he has it carved into his bones that doing what he wants will doom the world.

i think salem will actually be the one much more reluctant to reconcile, as opposed to striking a truce with the vacuo coalition, because ozma abused her trust in such a profoundly horrible way and she is very obviously not over it. like... as things stand right now, ozma is straight up pining for her while salem desperately just wants him gone. "why do you keep. coming. back."