#i think on some level i'll always have urges and compulsions to eat things that aren't to be followed upon body-wise
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food is. evil.
#wooo awesome i feel like shit no matter what i do#can't logic my way out of it!#can't compassion my way out of it!#no matter how much i genuinely do believe in these things!#i have unlocked the Bad Feelings no matter what i eat or what quantity#i have no idea what's a normal amount of food#and i can't tell apart normal thoughts from contradicting ed thoughts#100 bucks to whoever finds my hunger cues and brings them back#my brain decided that eating things was the best goddamn sensory experience in the world and that if my arms can reach it i have to have it#so instead of balancing nutritional needs with sensory wants with circumstances like a normal person#i'm balacing all this + the stress-focus-feeling okay-o-meter since for some fucking reason the only way to lower it is crunchy things#and of course the ed. the arfid/autism(?) thing. the trying to eat an environmentally responsible amount of meat.#not going to lie it feels very neverending and hopeless#i think on some level i'll always have urges and compulsions to eat things that aren't to be followed upon body-wise#but are filling a need psyche-wise#and i have no idea how to balance that. how to replace with something else that fills the psychological need.#how to balance my diet around those urges and compulsions that help my psychologically.#and like all of my problems forever it's only a tiny part of a big interconnected mess that i don't even know how to begin to unravel#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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