#i think maybe it's bcs in these moments that i'm unsure myself.. if i'm unsure of even my own self then how can you know the real me?

[itz-mfkn-de]

\\ALWAYS YOU//. M.R

warnings— OOC MATTHEO, Im a sucker for toxic boys but I made him extra sweet in his one idk why, uhhh not many tbh, cussing, kissing, smoking, that’s all I think.

summary— Mattheo was your best friend, always had been, but was the title of ‘friend’ enough?

-my first work for Mattheo! I will eventually get a master list going once I get more comfertable posting on here. This is a repost of one of my works on wattpad, just with some tweaks bc that work was olldddd-

You sat against mattheos 𝐛𝐞𝐝, 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤���𝐧𝐠 out of his dorm window.

"You know, some times, I'm worried for you. You just stare at things, it's weird." He snickered  as he took a drag from his cigarette.

You looked at him and scoffed, "Sometimes I'm worried about your lungs, you're bound to get some type of problem with all that's smoking you do." You half-joked, glancing at him.

He rolled his eyes, tilting his head up and blew the smoke out of his mouth.

"Seriously Mattheo, that stuff is absolute horse-shit for your body." You stated, accompanying your words with a sharp glare.

"I don't do it that often, just when I'm stressed." He muttered, taking his feet off of his desk and turning his body to face you.

"What happened to the whole 'I don't give a fuck about anything or anybody but myself' thing?" You said, mocking him to the best of your abilities.

"First of all I don't fucking sound like that," he laughed and squinted at you "second, just stressed about life, nothing in particular." 

You softly chuckled at his reaction. His eyes broke from yours, looking at some papers on his desk. Your eyes, however, never left his frame. You could stare at him for eternity, everything about his face seemed so perfect, almost as if it were meant to be admired.

You soon realized your staring and quickly averted your gaze towards the window again.

"You gonna go to the Yule ball this year?" You broke the silence, you knew Mattheo hated those things, he hated having to be around a shit ton of people and act like he enjoyed their company.

"Probably not." His demeanor changed, his tone became short, almost snappy.

"Oh, I'm probably just gonna go with Becca." You mumbled, knowing that if no guy was to ask you, Becca had your back.

"Hm." He nearly laughed at your remark.

"What? What's so funny?" You asked, looking back at him, his back still facing you.

"Just surprised you aren't going with a random slytherin guy or something." He answered, but the way he had said it has a strange undertone that you weren't sure how to feel about.

"Well I mean I don't know, I haven't been asked yet." You stated truthfully.

"Ah, I see." He murmured, soon after taking another drag of his cigarette.

You felt tension building in the room, suffocating tension. You weighed your options out, but you decided it would be better to give Mattheo some space, for what you were unsure of.

"Well, Becca and Emma told me they wanted to go dress shopping earlier so I think I'm gonna head over there so we can solidify our plans." You announced while picking up your books and putting them in your bag. 

"Bye Mattheo." You said while walking out of his dorm, expecting a response.

You shut the door when you got nothing, you mind raced with the possibilities on what could've caused mattheos strange behavior.

Maybe he'd just had an off day? No that couldnt have been it, he was fine moments before his attitude took a turn. 

Perhaps he was just having mood swings, you wouldn't be surprised with all the trash he puts in his body.

You stuck with that story and walked back to your dorm, which was on the other side of the slytherin tower. 

You reached it, setting your things down, then quickly turned around and nearly raced to your friends dorm.

The second you reached it, You waisted no time to jump on her bed, causing her to jump. 

"Yes, of course you can come into my room unannounced and lay on my bed." Becca said sarcastically. She had been digging through her closet in an attempt to find a dress. 

"Sorry, I just need to vent." You said while propping yourself up on your elbows.

"Go ahead." She sighed and laid her body weight 

"Okay so, there's this guy. He's like my best friend, but.."

She raised her eyes brows, signaling you to continue.

"But I want us to be more, or atleast I see him as more than a friend. I just feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get him to open up, he just.. won't."  You groaned.

"And everytime I get this sliver of hope that I've made progress, he just completely shuts down, leaving me in the dark confused and a little bit heartbroken!" You borderline screamed, your face shoved into her mattress.

"Okay, uh, let's calm down. If he's not showing any signs of being interested maybe you should just, move on- well attempt to at least." Becca stated ,rubbing your back.

You shut your eyes, truly taking in your friends words.  “hey Yknow what will make you feel better?” She nearly jumped with excitement. “Going to look for a dress in town.”

You knew she only had good intentions but the words kept echoing through your head. The thought of keeping Mattheo as a friend hurt, but it seemed to be all you could do at this point without ruining your friendship.

Maybe she was right.

Maybe you needed to accept Mattheo 

was just a friend.

-

All you could think about was the Yule ball. Over the next few weeks the days flew by, the anticipation growing larger with each one passing.

Of course you had been asked by some sweet guy from the Ravenclaw house, and, taking Becca's advice, you said yes.

There was nothing wrong with him, he just..he wasn't him.

You had decided to get ready alone, slipping into a beautiful green dress you and Becca had picked out. You finished your hair and makeup, looking into your vanity mirror.

You felt beautiful.

You smiled softly at how well you had dolled yourself up.

Glancing up at the clock, you rushed out of your dorm room, realizing it was the time you and your date had agreed to meet at the entrance by. 

You walked gracefully through the halls, a large smile adorning your face. Your heels tapped softly against the ground. You neared the entrance, your breath becoming shallow from the nerves. 

Then you saw Becca, she was wearing a beautiful Maroon dress. She looked absolutely breath taking.

"Hey!— oh my gosh." Becca looked at you, her jaw dropping. 

"You look stunning! Like some type of goddess...." She said barely above a whisper.

"Becca! Stop, you can't be talking, I forgot how to breathe the moment I saw you." You hugged her.

You were about to continue praising her and her beauty, but before you could comment you heard someone call your name.

"Y/n..wow.." he said, just loud enough for you to hear.

You turned around to see your date, who was wearing a very clean red and black suit. 

"Oh my gosh hi! Sorry for being a tad late, I lost track of time while getting ready!" You made your way next to your date, not before Becca gave you a sly smile and a push, leaving to go with her specimen she had chose for the night 

"It's okay.., you look amazing." He had said, taking your arm into his. He began to lead you into the ballroom.

"Thank you, I must say, you cleaned up nice." You smiled sweetly at him.

You and him entered the large room full of people, everything was elegant and royal, not a single speck of dust on anything.

You looked around the large room as your date led you down the stairs, you couldn't lie, you felt like a princess. The beautiful architecture of the room, complimented by your stunning dress, felt like something straight out of a fairy tale.

Once you had made it to the bottom of the staircase, you excused yourself away from your date in an attempt to go find Becca again. 

You stumbled past groups of people, many of them were couples having a romantic moment. 

You tried your best not to run into anybody, you dodged dancing bodies and nearly jogged across the dance floor.

You almost missed him.

You almost walked right by him.

You almost could've saved yourself the heartbreak.

But no you saw it—him with some random Hufflepuff girl. 

The way he whispered in her ear, the way she giggled a little too sweetly, everything. 

It all made you wanna cry—or throw up, which one that would be you weren't quite sure about yet. 

"Y/n?" Theodore came beside you and patted your back.

"Theo-Theodore, I thought Mattheo wasn't coming to the dance?" You struggled to get your words out as your eyes darted between the scene before you and Theodore. 

"Oh—uh yeah, he wasn't gonna originally, but some girl asked him and I guess he took a liking to her because usually he just brushes everyone off." Theo answered.

"Oh, I see, I just came to say hello. I'll be on my way now." Before Theodore could argue with your strange behavior you turned your back and walked as quickly as you could back to were your date was. 

You abandoned the idea of going to find Becca, you couldn't accidentally run into Mattheo and his.. friend again.

Instead you decided that distracting yourself with your date would be the best thing for your heart at the moment.

"Hey, sorry , I just saw a friend and got distracted." You said, out of breath.

"Oh. Don't even sweat it, I'm just glad you didn't run away and not come back." He joked, dragging you towards the dance floor. You couldn't help but laugh at his bubbly personality. It was a nice change of speed.

"I hope you like to dance." His hands fell onto your hips, yours made their way to his shoulders.

"I actually hate it." You smiled at him. 

"How unfortunate." Your smile grew when he matched your energy. You nearly forgot what you had seen a couple moments ago.

But alas, you didn't.

You could feel your chest tightening up, the tears bordering you waterline. Just thinking about him touching that girl in any way made you want to breakdown.

"Ex.—excuse me." You tried to excuse yourself as politely as you could. 

You didn't want your date too see you like this, vulnerable, heartbroken.

You urgently walked towards any door in your line of sight. When you finally found one, you ran through it. 

You just couldn't escape him, no matter how hard you tried. He was at every single corner you turned.

You nearly groaned when you saw him propped up over the balcony, smoking of course. 

He hasn't seemed to notice you, still looking out at the stars. 

You couldn't do it anymore, you couldn't spend one more fucking second acting like you weren't in love with him. 

The sad part was you'd rather be his friend than him hate you and be nothing at all. As long as he thought about you, you'd be okay. 

That's what you had been telling yourself, but you couldn't hold onto that lie anymore. 

"Mattheo." You croaked out behind him.

His head shot to the side, looking you dead in the eyes. 

"Angel… what're you doing out here."  He looked back out to the stars, unable to make eye contact. 

"I can't do it anymore."  You said shakily.

He turned his full body around this time, his eyes a dark brown. He blew the smoke out of his mouth, the wind pushing it in the opposite direction.

"I can't keep pretending I don't feel this way.., do you know how hard it was to watch you talk to that girl?" You nearly cried out.

"All the girls you fuck with and then bring them to shit like this, I cant keep lying to myself —wishing that it was me instead of her."

You were on the brink of gasping for air, your head pounded. You couldn't believe you had suppressed these emotions for so long. Every single time you went to Mattheo's dorm, you could barely restrain yourself from kissing him. 

Before you could continue on with your speech 

Mattheo had forced you against the wall. 

His lips met yours in a harsh collision. In an almost immediate reaction, your body responded to his actions, kissing him back with just as much need and hurry.

"You don't get to fucking do that."  He pulled back from your lips, still making sure to keep his face mere inches from yours.

"Every single day, I'd sit there and watch you talk to this new guy, I couldn't do shit about it— I wouldn't let myself do shit about it."

“I knew you deserved so much better than some lousy asshole like me, angel.” His hand held a firm grip on your hips, his other still had its place on the stone wall. 

"It took everything in me not to punch that fucker in the face when I saw him look at you, but I knew you wouldn't want that." You melted beneath his gaze.

His kisses trailed down your jawline.

"During second year, when I went to the dance, I saw you there with Draco, I nearly killed him right after. I couldn't bear to see you with anyone other than myself.. so I wouldn't go, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it so I never went to another ball again." He gently caressed your cheek with his thumb.

"Until this year." He mumbled softly in between the kisses he was leaving on your neck.

He brought his face back up to yours, his eyes stormy and clouded with something darker than just simple need.

"What'd he say to you? What did he call you?" Mattheo asked with a dark shimmer in his eyes, one you were hoping was just from the moon.

You swallowed harshly, you hadn't realized how dry your mouth truly was. 

"He just said I looked nice—" 

"Nice? You look fucking ravishing. I've never met a girl as beautiful as you, never once in my life seen a girl who could compare anywhere near you...That's why I call you angel you know...,because even if an angel walked by, my eyes would still be glued on you."

His gentle voice tickled your ears, and your cheeks warmed up beneath him.

"You are my angel."

He kissed you again, only this time it was more gentle. His lips held no rush, they were soft and comforting. 

You were the one to pull back this time, smiling sweetly up at him. He pulled you from against the wall, leaving the two of you in the center of the balcony, under the sparkling stars.

"I can't believe we've been friends all these years, and neither of us made a move."

He spun you around under the moon light, the beautiful sky knocking the breath out of you.

"Hey matty..?”You whispered once he had began to hold you in his arms gently.

"Yes angel?" He matched your tone, the sweet nickname you gave him made his chest tighten up.

"I love you." You closed your eyes, shutting them slowly.

"I love you... I always thought I'd never be the type to say that so freely, guess I just needed to meet the right person." He swayed the two of you lightly, finding a rhythm in the midnight winds. 

"Of course it's you... 

It's always been you."

[inkedinshadows]

Never Hold Back

Day 31: Squirting — Lucien x f!reader

Warnings: oral (f receiving), fingering, insecure reader

Word count: 1.099

A/N: we've finally got to the end of Kinktober! This was so much fun, but it was also exhausting ngl. I'm working on new fics and I'm so glad it's not smut bc I seriously need a break from it. I didn't think I'd be able to write a fic for each day when I decided to do this and I have to say I'm quite of myself for making it. Thank you so much to everyone who read/commented/reblogged my silly smutty blurbs and if you've stuck around to read them all, I love you pls let's get married.

based on this suggestion

You didn’t have much experience with sex. Or rather, you did, but the people you had been with could be counted on one hand. And if there was one thing you learned after your first time, it was how to fake an orgasm just before the real one hit you. That way, your partner would relent, sparing you the embarrassment.

But Lucien wasn’t like your previous lovers. He was your mate.

When you arched off the bed and moaned louder than before, he pulled his mouth away from you and watched you with a furrowed brow.

“Why do you do that?”

At first, you didn’t understand what he was talking about, and your insecurities took over. What had you done? Did you have an actual orgasm? No, you would have felt that, and Lucien would have looked more grossed out than concerned.

“Do what?” you asked, trying to keep the tremor from your voice.

Lucien sat up straight and you immediately felt the absence of his head between your thighs. His eyes found yours and the uneasiness etched on his face made you brace yourself for what might be coming.

He was silent for a moment before he said quietly, “If you don’t enjoy what I’m doing, please just tell me.”

Eyes wide, you sat up too. “Why would you think that? Of course I enjoy it, Lu!”

“Then why did you just fake an orgasm?”

“I didn’t—”

“You did it last time too.”

Your breath caught, heat rising to your cheeks until you were sure you looked like a tomato. Unsure how to respond, you looked down at your fidgeting hands.

You always thought you were good at faking, that it looked real enough to not raise suspicions. None of the males you’d been with before had ever noticed. And now that your mate had realized it, you wished the ground would open and swallow you whole.

“Sunshine,” he called softly.

A slender finger hooked under your chin, and then you were looking into his eyes. He didn’t seem upset, which spurred you to finally say something.

“I’m sorry,” you stuttered, and words began pouring out in an incoherent stream. “It’s just… my body. When I come, it does— it’s really gross, so I just… I thought you—”

You stopped abruptly when his thumb moved to cover your lips. He searched your face, his brows still furrowed, before he asked, “What do you mean ‘gross’?”

You shook your head, resisting the urge to look away again, but his gaze was piercing, and his golden eye seemed to see right through you, so eventually you answered, voice just above a whisper.

“I… I tend to squirt.”

You expected disgust, judgment, maybe even rejection—the same reactions you had gotten the few times it happened, the reasons you had started faking.

Instead, Lucien smiled broadly. “You do?”

He sounded so excited that you frowned as you gave him a single nod. His hands traveled down your body, caressing your sides until they rested on your waist. You were still waiting for a rejection, and he probably read it on your face because he gently squeezed you.

“Y/N… did someone tell you it’s gross?” he questioned. “Is that why you say that?”

You blinked. “You don’t think it is?”

As soon as the words left your mouth, Lucien’s posture changed. His back went a bit rigid, and his jaw clenched as he let you go. “Lay back down,” he said, or rather ordered. No soft tone was left in his voice, in his expression.

“Lucien…” you tried, but he cut you off.

“Lay down. I’m going to make you come.”

You did as he asked, though with a touch of hesitation. Lucien was quick to settle between your legs again. When you opened your mouth to try and talk him out of it one last time, he beat you to it.

“I am going to make you come,” he repeated, even more firmly than the first time. And then he was licking a stripe up your folds, his hands holding you open for him to feast on.

You decided to just enjoy it, then. What else were you supposed to do when he flicked his tongue over your clit and gently rolled it between his lips? Your hand shot out to tangle in his fiery hair, and you sucked in a breath, feeling his low chuckle reverberate against your cunt.

He probed your entrance with a finger, and when you squirmed, he pushed it in and curled it, hitting that sweet spot that drew a groan from deep in your throat. And then you lost all sense of time and space as the fingers became two and his mouth latched onto your clit.

The pleasure was rising fast—faster than ever, now that you weren’t worrying about waiting for the perfect moment to fake your orgasm. Yet as you felt it approaching, the thought that maybe you should stop before it was too late lingered at the back of your mind.

“Lucien, I’m… I’m close,” you warned, your voice a breathless murmur.

“Then come for me, sunshine.” He looked up at you through his lashes, and his next words were a low, commanding growl. “Don’t you dare hold it back.”

When he thrust his fingers in deeper and curled them once more, you didn’t hold it back, and after so long without such an intense feeling, you were utterly overwhelmed by it. A loud cry broke free from you as your whole body shook while you squirted all over Lucien’s fingers and chin. He held you firm, still working you until you went limp, spent and panting. Only then did he pull back, and you blushed at the sight of his face covered in your release.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

Lucien only smiled. “Don’t be. Don’t ever apologize for it.”

He climbed up your body, and you wrapped your arms around his neck out of instinct. As he kissed you, you could taste yourself on his lips and tongue. You weren’t sure how you felt about it.

“It was amazing, sunshine,” he murmured against your lips. “Hot, even.”

His words warmed your heart and a bit of the shame you had grown accustomed to began to melt away. If Lucien, your mate, found it hot… then maybe it wasn’t actually that bad after all.

“And to think that you've denied yourself so many orgasms because of it…” he went on. A smirk blossomed on his lips and a mischievous glint sparked in his russet eye. “Let me remedy that.”

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[meowzfordayz]

when you're feeling insecure about scar tissue — kyojuro, sanemi, giyuu

Author’s Note: just lil moments of comfort. 🥺 You, your lover, scarring (from a burn), and reassurance. ❤️‍🩹 Ngl, Giyuu’s is pretty brief, but sweet nonetheless. 😅💙

when you’re feeling insecure about scar tissue — kyojuro, sanemi, giyuu

Rengoku Kyojuro x Reader, Shinazugawa Sanemi x Reader, Tomioka Giyuu x Reader

Word Count: ~1,300

CW: explicit language, traumatic references

Emergency Request Fulfilled: i kinda accidentally burned myself and had to go to the hospital🤠 and the doctor basically said that my arm is going to have a huge scar on it & i’ve been feeling really insecure about it bc like…it’s kind of a permanent alteration of what my skin looks like lol

i guess i was maybe hoping for some sanemi comfort? idk if that sounds stupid or not but he was the first character that came to mind when this happened to me haha Suggestion Fulfilled: I have a request for Giyuu and if you'd like, anyone else you feel like doing. I have any scars I have insecure of, but I love this one burn scar that is shaped like a butterfly near my collar bone from a pretty traumatic incident (But I think I'm good now???), and I was wondering what he would think of it.

~faqs~

“If you insist on keeping your feelings to yourself, then I may be forced to kiss them out of you,” Kyojuro declares, body emanating a secure heat despite the warning edge in his tone.

Glancing up from your book, you offer him a wry grin, “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

He frowns, mouth twisting in focus, comforter slipping off his shoulder as he scoots closer to you, his hair a soft, simmering ember in the yellow light of your bedside lamp.

“Am I so difficult to talk to?” he asks quietly, your hands instinctively closing your book at the shade of seriousness in his lowered voice, eyes tentatively raising to meet his steady gaze, “Am I unworthy of sharing your troubles?”

“Of course you’re worthy,” you reply lightly, melting in the tender embrace of his expression, “I just… it’s not a big deal,” you shrug, about to reopen your book when a large, warm palm stops you, curving to cup your knuckles while his frown deepens.

“I want to be here for you.”

Something about the hint of pleading in his statement makes your chest twinge, guilt darkening the haunch of your posture, the mattress feeling too small yet too vast for the both of you. The urge to shrug him off again clambers up your throat, the grounding anchor of his touch keeping it from spilling off the tip of your tongue. You sigh.

“Does that sound mean you are ready to confide in me?”

“You’re annoyingly persistent, is what it means,” you mutter fondly, “I swear, it’s not a big deal.”

He huffs, squeezing your fingers as affection smooths his frown, earnest now, “Whatever it is, big or little, important or fleeting, I want to be here for you.”

“Okay,” you groan, unable to wiggle away from his triumphant chuckle, “I was just feeling insecure about my burn scar earlier, that’s it. See! Not a big de-”

“I love your burn scar!” he interrupts brightly, “It may not fit your preferred aesthetic, but it is simply a part of you, and I happen to cherish all of you!”

“My preferred aesthetic?” you deadpan, eyes rolling with amusement.

“Not all scars are beautiful, but perhaps they do not have to be.”

“Did you just imply that my scar is ugly?” you exclaim, playfully jabbing at his legs with your toes, “I thought you were supposed to help me feel better!”

Flabbergasted, Kyojuro blinks helplessly, casually trapping your feet between his shins while his head tilts in confusion, “Is the truth insufficient?”

“What does that even mean?!” you wail, jokingly bumping your forehead against his arm as though it was a wall.

“Well,” he begins carefully, “The way I see it, a scar is a scar. Nothing more, nothing less. And you are nothing less for having one! …” he trails off, uncertainty pursing his lips as he blushes faintly, “I am unsure how to make this romantic… I only wish to assure you that your scar is fine.”

“Y’know what,” you grumble, “let’s cuddle and call it a night. I suddenly feel more secure about my scar.”

“Really?” his brow furrows, “How so?”

“You love me, right?”

“Absolutely!” he nods, releasing your feet, smiling when you promptly tuck them back into the warmth of his legs.

“And your love-”

“Has never been dependent on your physical appearance,” he interjects solemnly.

“So whatever,” you yawn, attention finally returning to your long forgotten book, “This is silly.”

With an agreeable hum, Kyojuro murmurs gently, “You were on page 237.”

“And this is why I keep you around.”

“You’re thinking too hard,” Sanemi grumbles, body propped up against the kitchen island on folded arms, voice low with morning grogginess, “I’ve never seen someone stir their coffee so aggressively.”

“So close your eyes,” you retort, standing across from him, tucking a yawn into your hand, “I can stir my coffee however I please.”

“I’m not denying that,” he chuckles roughly, slowly blinking away sleep as he says pointedly, “But how about you take it out on me instead of your poor beverage?”

You huff, “My poor beverage doesn’t have any feelings,” taking a tentative sip from your steaming mug, “You do.”

“And?” he scoffs, grinning lazily, “I can handle your feelings.”

“How about you handle breakfast,” you smirk, “And then we’ll dissect my feelings.”

“Bossy,” Sanemi mutters, heading to the fridge nonetheless, “Bossy, and an aggressive stirrer of coffee.”

“You love me,” you shrug, winking playfully, “Which is why you’re worried about me.”

“And also why I’m about to cook us breakfast,” he sighs, placing a carton of eggs near the stove, “‘Course I’m worried about you, you have that little dent between your eyebrows going on.”

Snorting softly, you wait until his back turns away again, grabbing a pan, picking a spatula (you have waaay too many), turning on a burner, his fingers wrapping around the neck of the olive oil bottle when you quietly confess.

“I’m thinking about the scarring from my burn,” you hesitate, sensing the tension in Sanemi’s jaw. He cracks an egg. The pan sizzles. You continue, “And I’m… I’m feeling… insecure. Different.”

“You might appear different,” he remarks, cracking another egg, “And that’s life.”

You nod to yourself, about to hurry past the awkwardness with an ill-timed dad joke When life gives you eggs, scramble them! when he gently tacks on, “You’ve seen me shirtless, looked at my face. You love me. My scars too. Sure, I’ve had more time to adjust to them, and yeah, they still bother me, but life goes on. Trauma, joy, and all their scars.”

“But Nemi,” you whisper, “Am I beautiful?”

He laughs loudly at that, whirling around to fix a stern glare on your glassy eyes, spatula wagging scoldingly in your direction.

“Do you lie to me?” he asks simply, “Every time you tell me I’m beautiful?”

You frown immediately at the mere suggestion, shaking your head adamantly.

“So there you go. You see me, and you love me. I see you, and I love you. And we’ll have this conversation as many times as you need.”

When he sets your plate in front of you, the first things you notice are the pepper and salt sprinkled hearts atop your eggs.

—

“Gee, what an incredible chef! One super salty egg, and one super peppery egg!”

“Shut the fuck up, you ungrateful dumbass.”

“Does it ever hurt?” Giyuu murmurs, standing behind you as he stares at you in the tiny patch of wiped off mirror, bathroom still hazy with condensation.

“Not really,” you smile lightly, cheeks warming as he rests his chin on your damp shoulder, wet strands of hair tickling your neck, “Not anymore.”

He hums softly, “That’s good,” fingertips collecting water droplets up the sides of your arms, “It looks pretty,” carefully stepping back to readjust the hastily tucked towel around his waist, “Pretty, but painful.”

You nod in agreement, reaching out to open the door a crack, “It was,” smile brightening as Giyuu’s face gradually becomes clearer and clearer, condensation dissipating as cool air seeps into the heated space, “But now I carry a butterfly with me, wherever I go.”

“And what about me?” his eyes gleam playfully, gently tugging at your waist till you’ve spun around to face him, “Do I get to carry anything cool?” contorting his body to display his various scars, skin pink and soft from the shower.

“Hm…” you pretend to contemplate deeply, nose crinkling before you flick his chest with a decisive snort, “Maybe a blob? Or a straight line drawn by a toddler?”

Giyuu pouts, “You’re so rude,” promptly spinning you back around, ignoring your cute squeak as he grabs a second towel to pat dry his hair, “I totally have a cool lightning scar�� somewhere.”

[noxtivagus]

i'll fix my account soon i promise </3

dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭

[gaypolls]

ok i just said it doesn't really bother me but i do wanna rant a little bc it's SO insane to claim that you're only a real homosexual if you've never felt an ounce of attraction to ANYONE but your own gender... as though True Attraction is easily defined and quantifiable for everyone? as though gendered attraction is in and of itself something that involves some essence of other people's genders or whatever and not just what you percieve???

think of how many twinks have mistaken for butches and vice versa lmao. is everyone involved in those funny little mixups not a real gay anymore? hell, what about gay people in the closet who can't quite accept their attraction to their own gender yet but their "type" of the "appropriate" gender is effeminate guys/tomboys? if someone wants to enter the gay identity do they absolutely HAVE to renounce all past attraction to the "opposite" gender as fake? why? says who? why would it not be enough to say "i'm significantly happier and feel more natural embracing attraction to, and being with, my own gender"?

like yeah, personally, i do deem the attraction that i used to think i had for women as fake. but i'm an incredibly self-aware and self-analytical and generally In My Head person. i can look in there and see the throughline and know the exact reason i thought i liked girls, and hell, i can even remember the conscious thoughts i had where i was forcing myself to feel it. but i do NOT expect everyone to be the same?? like that would be insane. if everyone was as self-aware as me, specifically. that's not healthy lol.

but anyway, on that same vein, repression and the closet are seriously powerful things. there may have been a layer of conscious attempt to be masculine in the mix, but when i was 16 and searching for things to appreciate in girls' appearances and, because i was trying so hard, sometimes finding them, and acheiving that abstract feeling of attraction that i was looking for... would it really be SO insane if i now wanted to say that yes, i have been attracted to women, and i just got over it?

when i say that i'm not attracted to women now, that doesn't even mean that i have never been attracted to a single woman. it means that womanhood and femininity does not inherently appeal to me. that's where "exceptions" come in - it's literally not that deep. it's when you recognize that you're feeling something, and maybe you're unsure but it seems at least attraction-adjacent, but it's not related to the prerequisite of gender that's usually on your capacity for attraction; it's in spite of it. i have to imagine that the majority of the time when this happens, it's because the person is in fact somewhat androgynous, or some part of you percieved this person as the gender you do like when you weren't conscious of it, or there's some aspect of their appearance that has the right gendered "energy" to you. and sometimes people just look really fucking interesting, or people are just excpetionally beautiful, and it hits you so hard that it seems like attraction but you're really just in a brief moment of awe! sometimes you just enter the cosmic soup for a second!

and feeling superior about having never had this happen to you is... well, it's just that, isn't it? it's purely about feeling superior. i honestly don't even believe that it's truly the case for that one person. i feel like the internal need to say shit like that has got to come from an insecurity about the fact that you're not that "true homosexual" that you're claiming deserves to never be implied to have things in common with all other gay people.

furthermore... the notion of it being homophobic to identify as gay when you're "not 100% internally homosexual"? well i mean obviously that's the terf shit. it's the braindead idea that other people's identities take anything away from you. as if anyone actually identifies as gay "when they're actually bi" just for fun and not because their "straight" attraction is extremely incidental and/or just does not preclude actually acting on it... like duh, lol. and even if it was for fun, it literally still takes nothing. it's a completely imaginary danger.

and it's so batshit in particular bc going out of your way to harass other gay people and tell them they're not gay is objectively the fucking homophobic thing??? like how on earth do you see yourself as the better person here. christ lol

[the-dairy-of-a-normal-person]

idk how to start but I am SO confused about that last look of a flabbergasted Francesca when she meets Michaela? WHAT WAS THAT? i haven't read the books so excuse me for that 😭

some thoughts-

+ they are wasting away Benedict. they are wasting his potential and story and what all he could be. he felt so...out of place, confused and useless this season. half of his scenes were of him having sex that was not going ANYWHERE. i love Benny so much but i want shonda to treat this President of Pookie Nation with care and love. I want the story to respect Benedict because his character has so much potential and so much to offer. He hides behind his charming smiles and taunts but his eyes are always sad. As if he is looking for something-this one crucial piece of puzzle and he cannot seem to find it. shonda babes you better sharpen your quill.

+ all the instances that were supposed to be happy for Pen- the marriage, the engagement, the wedding night, ALL OF IT WAS RUINED BECAUSE of that stupid LW secret.

+Kate and Anthony still the best couple i do not make the rules. i don't think even Polin is topping them. tho Kate is certainly topping Anthony tonight.

+ the season was good don't get me wrong but it felt..a bit... rushed and its like the writers are focusing more on the future than savour the present. everything is happening because of the future seasons. idk if that makes sense

+i DID NOT like violet's treatment of kilmartin. i like violet most of the time but she didn't have to act so "unsure", distant and sloppy with kilmartin.

+Francesca gave some slippery vibes as if she is hiding something. or is it just me?

+I don't know why everyone is bashing Eloise so much. I pity her so much. She has kept the sword aside, she stopped fighting but she looks SO LONELY. she is not always the easiest person and she is whiny but i wish i could give her the tightest hug and talk day and night. maybe I see myself in her too much that i am defending her.

+i like they included hyacinth and Gregory this season, they are so precious.

+ i liked cressida's redemption arc but I think Lady Featherington might have won this one. She made peace with Pen in her own tight lipped fashion but i love that for her, i am not going to lie.

+ oh, cressida. i feel too bad for her. i do. but I do not sympathise with her. i actually do not know what to think of her at all.

+mr and Mrs mondrich yassssss slaying as always so cool so suave i love them

+once again, KANTHONY💅🏻🕺🏻✨🥰✨⭐✨💫❤️❤️❤️ ALWAYS AND FOREVER

+ Best acting this entire season- Claudia Jessie. She is just too good.

Honorable mention- Colin and his rage when he finds out the real LW

+ Nicola is so real for baring her boobs we love a relatable queen and SHE MADE SO MANY WOMEN SEEN WHO DO NOT THINK THAT THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST BECAUSE THEY LACK CONVENTIONAL BODY TYPE. THANK YOU, QUEEN FOR MAKING ME FEEL SEEN.

+did I mention KANTHONY?

+LADY DANBURY' storyline was TOO DAMN GOOD. Her pain, the sweet moments between violet and her, how she confronted her brother. She is simply sublime. One of my fav characters. Again, i love my boy Benny but Lady Danbury had a better storyline than whatever the heck his story was trying to achieve.

okay, i ll stop. i am so sorry for making you read all this. i may not be as interesting as Lady WhistleDOWN.

Abt benedict : i'm afraid they are just going to use him off but apparently next season is about him so we'll, but yeah, appart from the sex scenes we had nothing more of him 🥲

Abt LW secret and all : I absolutely hated colin's reaction to pen's power and his stupid jalousy that he has all bc she is more sucsesfull than he will ever be and that she was able to build all of it by herself and her own labour and NO ONE praised her for that exept mme delacroix

Abt kanthony : i loved them sm but why werd they randomly popping on and out. I honestly lost track of them at some point

Abt the season writing : after discussing with a friend, we thought that the season did not have the same pattern as the others, especially part 2 which seemed a bit weird, as if not wrote by the same person

Abt violet : i used to be always like " i could never hate her " but now she just pissed me off. Girl, u can see that your daughter is happy and she found someone she's confortable with so why being such a brat ???

Abt Éloïse : i understand that she felt lonely and all but she is such a bad friend, took cressida for granted, just using her and not even caring for anyone but herself

Abt lady featherington : i had the feeling her "redemption arc " was forced and unatural

And finally, i agree with pretty much everything

Thank you for interacting ❤️

[midnightmah07]

❤️ with Jamil and Damali!!! (I REALLY HOPE I SPELT HER NAME RIGHT)

HELLOOOOO YEAH YOU SPELLED HER NAME RIGHT LMAO

I'm so happy people actually like Damali and Jamil's relationship, especially bc I'm still developing it😭😭😭 ty for liking them!!!<333

I actually had a little something written for them that I used as a basis for this one!! As I'm still not sure how/when they start dating idk if this would be canon, so consider this as like- an au or something just in case

❤️ first kiss / realization

Jamil had been avoiding Damali a lot lately. It wouldn't be the first time, but now he’s got a more important reason to do so. He couldn't look at her, or better, he didn't want to look at her. Not if it meant he would smile unconsciously, if it meant he would let himself think of anything more with her. More than friendship.

He had already a terrible time letting her in, being her friend, imagine if he were to fall for her? He simply couldn't let him do it, he couldn't let him go through with it. He had too much baggage, and Damali wasn't serious when she flirted with him.

She said it before: this was a game, and Jamil was her favorite toy.

So, he would avoid her. Do everything in his power to force these feelings to die, as childish as it may seem.

“Jamil.” Damali’s voice was stern, more serious than usual, and Jamil flinched at the sound of it. He looked behind him, stopping his task of washing the dishes for a moment.

“Yes?”

“Why are you avoiding me?” She asked, walking closer to him and stopping the moment her walking stick made contact with his foot. She frowned, a pained expression on her face. “I’ve missed you.”

Jamil went quiet. Looking back at the dishes, deciding to continue washing them. “You're imagining things.”

“I’m not. You barely talked to me in class."

“I was paying attention to the lesson.”

“You've been refusing me everytime I try to help you.”

“I prefer to do things by myself.”

“Why can't you just admit that you're uncomfortable around me?” Damali said in a rather loud voice, making Jamil stop what he was doing and sigh. “If you're that bothered by me, fine. But let me know. I'll leave you alone.” Jamil refused to speak. He was sure that if he did he would end up saying something stupid. The girl faced the ground, her eyebrows furrowed as her heart broke. “I guess that's my cue to leave then. Sorry for the trouble I caused the past few months.”

Before she could even turn though, Jamil finally gave in, unable to find joy in letting Damali go like this.

“I’m not uncomfortable.” He said. “Maybe sometimes, yes, but I like your presence.”

“Then why are you avoiding me?” She persisted and Jamil felt his ears warm up in embarrassment.

“I might like your presence a little too much.”

Damali took a minute to process what he said, unsure if her ears were playing a trick on her, but then, her face lit up, a smile forming her lips as her heart raced.

“You do? Really?” She asked, a bit too excited. Jamil groaned at how happy she was being, he knew he had doomed himself now that he had said it.

“Yes. I don't hate you. So don't worry too much about it.” He tried ending the subject there, going back to his dishes as he let the water take off all the foam from the plate. Because of the silence, Jamil assumed Damali had walked back to her room, but soon he felt strong arms around his waist and a head resting on his shoulder as she squeezed him tight.

Good grief.

“I'm glad.”

Jamil turned around, his hands moving to grab her arms off him as he was facing her this time. Her face was awfully close to hers and he couldn't help but feel nervous.

"Alright, I get it, just stop being so touchy." Damali chuckled, a bit embarrassed herself. She didn't let him go, but loosed her grip on his waist, holding onto his shirt. She smiled at him and Jamil felt this strange urge to kiss her.

He wouldn't though. He couldn't. He already did enough, so why would he even–

Jamil felt her lips on his cheek before he saw her getting closer, a small lipstick stain being left on where she had kissed him. Damali grinned at the boy in front of her, like a child who had just learned a new skill, and Jamil's heart seemed to stop for a moment.

"I'll stop when you decide to return the kiss on my lips. Until then, tell everyone I was your first." She said, half jokingly, half seriously, and walked away.

Jamil rested his hands on the sink, his face looking at the ground as he felt his heart racing like crazy.

What the heck did that weirdo do to him?

[ssaalexblake]

Don't you think that it's a bit dodgy how 13 basically kills a TARDIS to kill the Daleks and never gets called out on it?

Oh it's super messed up she did it, it's also a bit messed up she wasn't called on it, either, lbr, but this has been one of those things i'm not sure how i feel about. Because hm, hello, that was a murder. That they didn't face consequences for, or even a call out. But also, it's not the first time the doctor's done a murder and not been called on it or faced any consequences for, it happens occasionally.

I know it's happened more than once, but hilariously the only one i can remember rn is one also written by chibnall. Maybe he just has a ~thing (I am talking about dinosaurs on a space ship, which is an episode i hate and probably only remember Because i can't stand it, but still). I distinctly remember rewatching the episode and thinking to myself that I could add that to my list of episodes where the doctor offs somebody, and now I can't remember the others, which is typical, really. Though, I personally think 12 pushed the guy, because he'd never have jumped on his own, so that moment's on the list.

(this whole list was a Thing to start with bc i find it fascinating that the doctor sometimes casually does genocides and doesn't catch Half the fandom crap for it than they do if they kill one person. Something something about crimes that we are able to comprehend and feel emotionally and those we aren't. Like, I cannot comprehend the total annihilation of a species in a single second at all, but I can comprehend a single death and have an emotional response to that one. I find it fascinating ngl).

But to get back on subject, in the end, I think my real answer to this would be to say that it depends on Why she's not called on it. When it aired, people in fandom immediately clocked what she'd done was bad and messed up, so obviously a telling was not strictly Necessary in that people worked it out for themselves.

But, was she not called out for it in the show bc A) they didn't believe it was Necessary to do so bc it wasn't supposed to be bad, B) they didn't believe it was necessary to do so because they realised the audience members both old enough to understand and familiar enough with the snow to know tardises are alive would realise what had happened Without mentioning it and know what she'd done was bad without a hand hold or C) she was not called on it simply because there was nobody To call her on it.

Or it could be a mix of the three different things above. Like, they thought it was messed up for her to do it, but she simply was not called on it bc it was exactly like a few of her other greatest and very messed up hits. Nobody had the context to call her on it, so she wasn't called on it even though it Was messed up just because nobody knew it was messed up.

I like, work on a case by case basis as to whether media should call out its characters for bad behaviour and if it's wrong for them not to because you can't paint everything with the same brush and have any sense of nuance, so I guess I think it depends on if you think it's acceptable or not for a show to portray a character doing something bad that is obviously bad without mentioning it, and if that not doing so implies any kind of acceptance of it. I don't think in general the lack of call outs in media imply acceptance, personally, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when call outs Are necessary.

But I do genuinely think it depends on their reasoning as to if it's actually dodgy they didn't do it or not. Like, if they didn't call her on it bc she apparently did nothing wrong, that's dodgy as hell. If they didn't because they portrayed something bad and trusted the audience to get that without being told, that's ambiguous to me and i am personally unsure how i feel about this instance, and since i've not worked it out in two years, I don't expect to any time soon.

If they didn't do it for watsonian reasons involving the lack of informed knowledgeable characters actually there to call her on it, then i'm fine with that in a vacuum? The fam don't ever actually work out if they think the tardis is alive or some kind of super argumentative AI and that 13 implodes one would probably suggest the ai thing to them, lets be real (even though they'd be very wrong, she hides her worst from them). Jack has basically been trained by the doctor to not ask too many questions at this point by the doctor treating him awfully when he does, And on top of that, he's more ruthless than the doctor to start with and I doubt he'd care much.

I think, in general, instead of a callout, i'd have personally liked a Consequence instead? I don't think bad actions necessarily require a call out bc audiences aren't thick and neither are kids, especially In context of the lack of people to call her out on it. But I do think that consequences should be more often utilised unless you're deliberately showing a moment where somebody Gets Away With Something.

So I'd have loved a consequence for her. Like, 13 desperately needs another tardis being alive and well to do something vital and Oh No the world is going to burn to a cinder bc she killed the last one in a callous last ditch plan which suddenly makes it very clear exactly What she did by killing one! So she's slapped in the face by it even though she didn't have anybody to call her on it at the time. The audience is reminded that what she did was wrong without compromising characterisation, ~viola.

TLDR, it depends on Why she wasn't called on it as to if i think it's necessarily dodgy she wasn't (personally i'd have called her on it, but I don't think it's an automatic black mark she wasn't considering the circumstances of there being nobody would could effectively do so), but i do think it's dodgy she didn't catch any consequences for it, actually? idk, i would have done it differently but i'm a terrible writer so I don't know how. I also would like to know the plan for this show pre-pandemic so i can see what didn't happen through necessity via episode cuts and what didn't happen bc nobody thought it was necessary. It's so hard trying to pick apart anything post rotd without knowing this.

[marylynbirds]

I wanted to share some of my special interests that I currently have or have had in the past, some I'm a bit unsure of but whatever! Anyone relate?

- I used to play with playmobile A LOT, I asked for more for my bday every year, I got an extension to my house. Loved the stuff. (I would always set everything up and then be done playing lol)

- singing, I was in a choir from ages 5-14 (with a brief break bc I had to take swimming lessons) then I joined a small church band and took singing lessons, when I moved I also made sure to join a new band, did that for like 9 years (this meant performing once a month and practice every week for 9 years, with more busy periods as well). I only recently decided to quit bc of multiple factors but I think I've let go of singing as a special interest .

- gymnastics, did that for 13 years, at some point I trained 3 hours per week and assisted 2 more hours. I wasn't very good, but I managed to get a nice score on my level. I was afraid I'd fall/hurt myself 90% of the time. Idk how I kept up with it for so long.

- the sims! My parents got me ts3 when I was around 9 yrs old. I'm in a bit of a sims dip currently but could play ts3 and ts4 for entire days without getting bored for years on end. I still watch a lot of sims 4 content and know a lot of lore and hacks etc.

- Just Dance (2023). I always liked dancing, but it was when I saw a JD streamer when I decided to get a switch and JD2023. I play pretty much every day for at least 30 minutes and love learning more about the lore and can't help sharing it with people if we play together.

- sewing, this one has its moments. But there were a few weeks when I was just sewing almost all day long after coming home from uni no matter how tired I was, I was desperate for more projects. I'm currently working on a quilt.

- werewolves/vampires, I was obsessed with them when I was in high school. I read all he fics on wattpad and tried writing my own xD. I watched a lot of shows on Netflix in lightning speed as well. These days they're cool but I'm no longer as taken by them.

These are just a few from the top of my head, there might be more, especially from my childhood. Let me know what your special interests are! Maybe we have some in common?

[upsidedownknight]

Your opinion is your own of course but respectfully I have to say I disagree with your friend about the Heartstopper show having nothing to say about mental illness. It’s absolutely touched on more in the show than it was in the early comics. Charlie’s eating disorder is implied, and his low self-esteem is explored and we see it impact his life more than in the first two volumes of the comics that the first season covers. There is one added scene in particular in episode 8 with Charlie and Tori that is far closer to Solitaire’s serious themes than anything in the first two comic volumes.

Mental health as a topic hasn’t been explored explicitly yet, but the groundwork has been set for them to fully delve into it in season 2. The story just hasn’t gotten there yet. And I think it makes sense that it was kept on the backburner in season 1, because they weren’t sure if they would get a season 2 or 3. I think they didn’t want to fully open up Charlie’s eating disorder, OCD, and self-harm storyline if they were unsure they could get to the point where he starts getting some help (though it’s definitely there and more than we got in the comics by that point in the story). Since being renewed, both Alice and Charlie’s actor have talked a lot about how a major focus of season 2 will be the mental health themes. Alice has even said that they wish they had not glossed over some of the harder parts in Charlie’s story in the comics, that they felt a bit trapped by the format, and feel the show is an opportunity to explore those parts more deeply.

So I guess my advice would be maybe check in around the time season 2 comes out and see what people are saying? I think it’s just too soon to tell where the show will be going with it. But it’s definitely not absent from the show in season 1 even. The groundwork has been laid. And as someone who struggles with a lot of the same issues as Charlie, his characterization and story in season 1 made me cry because it hit me so personally.

thank you for this detailed response to my ranty post! I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me more abt the show. obviously, I haven't watched it-- in fact, I tried my best to stay away from news about it bc it squicked me out-- so I'm glad to hear that Alice has spoken some about the fact that heartstopper (comic) glossed over the harder parts of Charlie's story. that same ''glossing over'' was why I stopped being able to read heartstopper (in 2021 sometime?)

I would really love it if season 2 does touch more on Charlie's mental illnesses! and I'm happy they have laid the groundwork for it-- from my distant perspective, the show really looked like a fluff piece, which (obviously) broke my heart. I read solitaire as a self-harming, anxious and compulsion-ridden teen and saw myself in so many parts of both Tori's and Charlie's stories. Without saying that I'm glad you've struggled, it's reassuring to know that you could relate to the show's characters (as it means that I might too, if I could get over my hesitations).

I totally get that heartstopper (show) had to make concessions for time and planning reasons: I have a whole separate rant stored in my heart about the fact that so few TV show get to plan for a multi-series story arc like they used to. in any case, you've convinced me: I'll unblock the tag when I hear s2 is out, and see if little ol' teen me will get the heartwrenching moments that I once loved Solitaire for!

[the-chessboard-is-personal]

Very tiredly made pinned post bc I'm always tired lol

Hi, I'm Knight and this is my personal blog. I go by they/them and he/him. Yes Knight is my irl name.

Cadanain or however you spell it. uh. 🇨🇦 <- from there

ask game

19, aroace, nonbinary(?) and I FUCKING HATE MOST CAR BRANDS. SHUT UP ON EVERY FUCKING SITE EVER AND BECOME THE DIRT I WALK ON!!!!!!!!!!!

DNI: basic dni + zionists, car enthusiasts, NFTbros, people who are violently on either side of the AI art debate*

Not extensive but generally if you're a bigot or support bigots fuck off

*my opinion on AI art is that it seriously, SERIOUSLY needs more regulations, but if I wake up feeling like more shit than I usually feel like I shouldn't be ridiculed and hated by everyone on this damn planet if I occasionally want to pop over to Craiyon and have it generate some art of weird looking dice to cheer myself up. fyi. and stop arguing about whether it's art or not the semantics aren't important!!

And ChatGPT is a wonderful Goomba Name Generator. bite me. /ref

Fandoms I'm in: chess, animation vs., inanimate insanity, bfdi, steven universe, magic the gathering, smg4, baba is you, murder drones, d&d, owl house, tadc, minecraft, hermitcraft, life series, lifesteal smp, mario (mostly smm2), gravity falls, fnaf (kinda), doom (.......kind of. yes it is because of myhouse.wad), dsmp (but I'm kinda drifting away from that one)

ramble about the bold/orange ones to me‼️‼️‼️

Fandoms im Looking at, but unsure of: the magnus archives, the stanley parable, other object shows

Random shit about me and tags i tag under cut (..tags may be changed soon)

Don't spoil House of Leaves for me, I'm gonna read it soon maybe (<- liar)

I watched all of soul eater and then proceeded to forget everything that happened because I'm stupid

I don't fuckign know!!!!!!!!! Redstone!!!!!!!!!! (<- making something Decked Out 2 inspired)

For personal reasons relating to Words (derogatory), do not talk to me about outer space

do not ask me about No Context Nope Not Giving Any.

First ever Chessboard Moment: chess.jpg

tags:

#vent for venting

#grasping at straws for reaching out (e.g "help me with a project please?") Wait when did I make this tag also what does it rnean

#the fuck up won't shut up! for just talking about stuff

#nobody cares huh for stuff I'm actually proud of

#another ruined canvas for art, although most of that will go on @chess-is-art

#look! a blunder! for plugging stuff i have on other sites

#I'm not funny for stuff i add onto when reblogging

#chessboard? sleeping? in this economy? dreams tag

#sticks and stones can break my bones but Words Can Fucking Kill Me for specific vents hold on what the fuck is this tag

#negative iq takes for theories

#cringe comp for videos

#dumb writing for fics

#chessboard saying dumb shit for when I talk to people

#do you want bad or terrible? Polls

#shitty sleep september Have you seen an entire two* month's worth of nightmares in a row? WOULD YOU LIKE TO??

*it happened twice

#knight and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad pun for puns. yes commas can go in tags. no I will not say how

I tag triggers as #tw [thing] (without the brackets when actual thing is involved) current triggers are #tw sui mention but i might forget to use it once in a while so uhh just block #vent sorry

projects will be tagged as #project: [name]. "Project:" will not be part of the name by default

I don't tag mcyt posts as #minecraft and you shouldn't either! It is #mcyt and the mcyt applicable!

Uh I'll think of more if I need to

[cadaveerie]

today on my personal updates... (Entry #1 - 09 Sep. 24)

i decided to do this new thing on tumblr that might serve as some sort of journal! i'm used to saying whatever crosses my mind at the moment over twitter, but i think it's interesting to adopt this sort of new format that's more typical of blogs and personal websites, now that i'm a little more active over here :) we'll see if i grow tired of it or not! so far i'm not sure how often i'll update it. weekly? every other week? maybe. we'll see :) you can blacklist "my journal" if it bothers you.

anyway... i finally got a bank account! i'd been postponing this for years cause it made me anxious, as stupid as that might sound. who would have thought, once i did the damn thing i realized there was nothing to be nervous about, lol.

to celebrate i got divinity: original sin 2! more than to celebrate it was bc it's on sale, lol, but anyway. i haven't played the other (first game), but apparently you don't need to in order to play this one. and it's larian. it seems it's kind of similar to bg3 so... if it's half as decent i'm willing to give it a chance!

ever since i first saw this guy i've been like "i need to play this game one day". but at the end what made me decide to actually get it is that the game seems genuinely good, so :) we'll see! i'm excited

i also like the skelly guy.. he seems interesting evil and right up my alley, we'll see about him :)

and the rest of companions seem interesting as well. i'm looking forward to get to know them :^)

anyway... spending money makes me anxious :/ i hope i like it as to not feel guilty about it.

i'm also unsure if i want to play the thing now or if i should wait for after datv... i told myself i would not start any new game until datv came out, because i don't want to be burn out in the middle of datv (sometimes if i play to too many long games in a row i grow tired of it). i'm still unsure... maybe i'll download it and take a look? idk.

i also have a trip approaching soon and im very anxious. aside from the fact that my mood seems a little unpredictable and that when it's bad, it's baaad, i'm unsure if i'll physically be able to keep up, because lately my lower back/hip hurts sooo much whenever i stand for a while, and also when i sit and i don't have back support, so im very concerned.. sigh. i guess we'll see. i wish my body was healthier, and i could probably fix it, but my mental health doesn't seem to allow it. i'm so tired of everything.

anyway that's all for know i think.

currently...

listening to: Year Zero by Ghost

playing: -

reading: -

watching: -

waiting for: DRAGON AGE: THE VEILGUARD! (51 days to go!)

mood: depressed, anxious. and annoyed at fandom discourse :/

[golden-booti]

he keeps asking me why I didn't do these things beforehand and I never reply. maybe it's because idk how to say "I thought I had the rest of our lives."

I want to do any & every little thing with you while I still sort of have you by my side. any and every little thing I thought we had forever to do.. I've never had heartache like this. you tell me it's bc of the past and I hate when you say that because (as much as I hate this is my reality when it comes to memories like that) I don't remember the time you're talking about.... how can I be afraid of you for something that, in my head, never occurred. and I know that's such a shit reason but I'm sorry I took such baby steps toward trying to fix it until now. I just hope you know I only ever felt pure love from you, even when we were arguing. some sadness. some anger. some confusion. but never fear of you.

sorry I want to make love as many times as possible lately, even though I'm sure it's just fucking to you now. sorry I want to listen to you sing and rap about silly shit, unsure which one will be the last time. sorry I seem so 'energetic' lately, but it's just a mood swing. sorry I want to kiss & touch you after we say bye, not just because of habit. sorry I seem to want to follow you like a lost puppy at work still, I'm trying my best to leave you alone and give you the distance you asked for.

but who else is going to think I'm perfect even when I'm pouting and at my lowest. who am I gonna secretly gawk over even when he's upset w me and the world. all I dreamt of & tried working towards was being in a home w you & the kids. that's why I got so stressed about spending money, but now know I shouldn't have. I let the stress of waiting get so bad to the point it caused me to push you away & made you give up.... the last thing in the world I ever dreamed of.

you say we need to stop doing what we doing. that I need to tell you 'no'....... but god I truly hope you know in your heart that I don't want to say that. that I am still in love with you, every little thing about you, including the you that broke my heart. you always gave me butterflies but now instead of happiness, it brings me to tears. I feel so empty it feels like people are staring right through me... and looking into your eyes fills me back up for the moment. until I have to remind myself you're not in love & the hollowness comes back. you are my perfect puzzle piece, my soulmate. I'll never be whole again. I don't want to lose you and I just want to scream it i don't care who hears me. but I'm so scared of being rejected over and over by you because i felt my heart cracking apart each time.

I don't want you to think this is going to hurt me any more than I already am. I want it, I absolutely still want you. our energy when we touch is like no other in the world, I would never hesitate. it was never about the dick or thinking that'll make my problems go away, it's just you. you ask how it could feel so amazing every single time.... and I'll just say it's bc of you. although I know the real answer is so simple; because of love. it would never feel like this w someone else. like I said, you're my other half. my perfect fit. if these are truly the final moments of being able to call myself yours, all I want to do is take in every single millisecond of it. try to absorb & hold on to this very distinct feeling you give me, because I know if I've never felt this way before you, I will never feel it again after.

I'm sorry you couldn't forgive me and stopped believing that everything was able to change, that yeah things got hard but we would come out stronger than any of it. I'm sorry I took too long. I'm sorry for any time I ever hurt you in the past. I'm sorry I could never blame you even though you're trying so hard to get me to. I'm sorry you thought you couldn't be yourself. I'm sorry this is because of me. I'm sorry I was so hard to love.I'm sorry that I'm so...... sorry.

besides, I firmly believe that I can't possibly hurt any more than I do now. well, that is until the moment you meet someone new.

all I wanted was to make you happy, the way you do to me, and I failed miserably. like I do with everything in my life. it just hurts more that I thought this time things were finally slowly but surely visibly showing signs they'd come together soon, but that you were feeling the opposite.

we were supposed to end w/ gray hairs & rocking chairs 💔

now I feel like we're burying alive something that never even died.

and I'll forever suffocate because of it.

[nogoodanswers]

I'm not gonna write this into a fic, but I randomly thought of a needlessly convoluted onk fic idea

So one day gorou gets a call from a lawyer or like the executor of a will or something

Turns out, his absent father has passed away, but had left something for him in his will

(Don't ask me how his father knows about him, maybe he wrote something something in his will about the child of [insert name of gorou's mom] and the lawyer or whatever managed to track him down)

Thing is, apparently his father had an entire other family, and that family (or like, his father's wife) wants to meet him and idk discuss the will or just get to know him

Gorou's not yet a doctor doctor, and had been deciding where to go for his residency (imagine a version of this sentence that makes sense when thinking about how residencies work irl, bc i can't be bothered to search it up rn), but he decides to go out of curiosity

So he meets his not mother in law, finds out she has three kids, decides to forfeit his part of the will, and is promptly adopted

...okay, so not literally, but his nmil invites him for dinner, and he can't bring himself to refuse

So he goes to their home and meets her kids, who are also his half-siblings, which is weird for him to think about for multiple reasons

One is bc he was an only child, and now he's suddenly got 3 siblings, and the other is bc oh god these children are tiny

The smallest is only a couple years old, and the oldest is only 5, and when the metaphorical camera moves to her, we see-

Okay, well, this is where I can't find a dramatic way to say that this child looks nothing like memcho but trust me that's her

Yeah this is an au where gorou and memcho are half-siblings that's it that's the fic

In terms of where the story would go, it'd probably follow gorou slowly becoming part of this family and maybe even having a moment where he's like "Oh this is what having a mother is like" (ignoring that his nmil would, at a guess, only be a couple of years older than him)

Meanwhile, with a doctor being part of the family and contributing monetarily (despite his nmil's best efforts to not accept the money), when memcho decides she wants to try to be an idol, she doesn't get hecked by dead mom syndrome (yes I know her mom isn't dead in canon but she could have been)

Now, this seems fine and all, but at the end of the first chapter of this hypothetical chapter, we would cut away from gorou being unsure but hopeful about his future now that he has this new family that he's sure to become part of, one way or another, and move to a hospital

And there would be some vague descriptions of the room and stuff, in an attempt to have some tension even though you know perfectly well why we're here

Because as Gorou's life and situation changes for the better, Tendouji Sarina passes away quietly, alone in her hospital bed.

She's never heard from again, and we never see her or ruby (or aqua) in the fic

This is needlessly evil and I love it as an idea, but this idea is already so wobbly when it comes to putting the initial pieces together that I dont see myself ever actually writing it

Not to mention idk what to do with ai, because gorou's alive, and sarina never met him, so is she still reborn as Ruby? I mean i just said she doesn't reappear in the fic, but is that bc she's not relevant to this memcho's story, or bc ruby doesn't live past childbirth?

If ai's children don't survive, then how does she fare in her career as an idol? Heck, what happens during the murder attempt when she's pregnant and about to give birth? Is some poor other doctor the victim, or does no one die bc kamiki and ryosuke can't do anything? There's just too many questions that this au raises, and guess what? I got no good answers eyyy -points at the name of this sideblog, hoping that it won't have changed sometime in the future (Assuming sideblogs can change names idk Tumblr very well even after all this time lol)-

[hubofeverything]

(16+) Follow up on my gender identity

(slightly edited repost from twitter, which I want to stop using eventually. Just formatting and a sentence.)

After a while, thinking about it, hyperfixating on it, then getting really anxious about it, I have decided to finally talk about my gender identity. This is a huge step for me and I'm still doubting myself, but I understand thats a normal part of the process.

I'm Hubble.

Gender is weird to me. It involves biological and social concepts that I don't fully understand. I do understand it's important to most but looking at myself... I don't understand. And so, I've been trying to match mine with definitions and expectations, but it didn't help at all.

So, independent from expectations and definitions, how do I view myself? When I'm lewd, I like being called "boy", but only really because it's derogatory, and I trust the people I'm lewd with.

When I'm thinking about how my outfit would look like, I don't consider what kind of people they are designed for, only that it's pretty and it would fit in with how I want to look. And if it is appropriate socially.

And, long story short, my life has lead me into a negative thought pattern. For the longest time, I saw myself and others as a set of expectations, not as people themselves. It lead to my perfectionistic and very bad habits. In a way, I'm still trying to learn how to see.

These, and many others, have influenced my view on my identity.

Maybe you can say that I simply haven't experienced gender right, or enough.

But isn't that just another requirement?

The whole hesitation about gender identity for me happened because of how I view expectations. It's draining. If you still think that I'm jumping the gun, believe me, your doubts are nothing compared to mine. It doesn't mean it wouldn't still hurt though.

I've spent a lot of effort thinking about this, pushing away my own doubts. I spent so long wondering why I'm so obsessed over this, why I don't feel this is right, why I'm like this.

I'm still unsure. But I'm tired too. So that's it.

If you really want to put a name to it, I think some call it agender. But I can see how some people think it's ironic- an identity for the lack of identity.

Personally, I like to call it "declared but not defined", from a compile error in Go. (I didn't mention this on twitter bc bots)

If you're confused still, use they/them, and talk to me if you want to know me.

Also, just to be clear, I understand very well that gender is a very crucial part of people's identities. I just don't experience it the same way.

I don't think I could describe it even if I tried.

From what I remember, people who are blind described their vision as not being pitch black, but as completely lacking, like how you can't see the back of your head.

I feel that it's similar for me in this. Not in a philosophical or literal sense, just the experience.

I do get gender euphoria I guess, in a couple of different ways, but associating them to a gender identity feels... Restrictive. Like I'm explaining things after the fact, trying to make up something that makes sense. Fitting a square peg in a round hole.

I want to be me.

These views of my gender identity might change, especially because I'm only starting to see myself in a different lens.

But, for most of my life, I've accepted that gender is part of people's lives but I couldn't understand what that means for myself. This is all I know so far.

I believe that identity is built on many things. Experiences are a big part of them.

So, does the fact that it might change even matter?

This is this I am, at this moment in time. It took so much effort to say that.

All I can think of is "I hope I'm not making an mistake."

My gender identity.... Oh god. I constantly want to put it in a system, or a chart, or try to rationalize the reason why I want to express myself just to feel better about experimenting.

I mean, reality is, Gender is a complex topic and... I mean, I don't know much about it, but there's identity, expression, characteristics, all that jazz. From what I know, a large part of it should come from how I feel, and there's still a lot about gender that we don't know about in general.

So with that said, say hello to my oldest companion, anxiety.

"If you have a logical reason behind it, you can't be wrong" it said. "You will be laughed at if you don't think it through" it said.

I can't find the off switch.

help.

[convexicalcrow]

Catching up with Tango streams. Got inspired. bc I keep neglecting that vex Cub/vex Tango series I started nearly a year ago lol.

tw (nonsexual for this fic) master/slave dynamic, amnesia, possession, but it's all as consensual as anything to do with Vex possession usually is lol. Also fluff and cuddles and Tango overthinking things while Cub grinds like the grindy grinder that he is. Read below, or on AO3. <3

"You're sure this is going to work? You won't be able to read my mind, slave?" Tango said as he reached down to touch Cub's head.

Cub was kneeling on the ice in level one, head bowed. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the Vex chattering in his head. They had suggested this, though it hadn't taken Cub long to consent. He wanted to enter the dungeon for the first time blind.

"It will work, master, I promise. Scar used this to keep me from finding out about what he was doing at Area 77. Hopefully this will let me help a little more, master, without spoiling myself for Decked Out," Cub said.

"Well, we'll see, we'll see. There's still a lot that you won't be able to help me with. There's too much only I can do. But at least you won't overhear my thoughts," Tango said.

"If I may be so bold as to make another suggestion, master, if having a second pair of hands would be helpful for some jobs, the Vex can make me forget things. When I'm wearing the mask. They-They possess me, master. I am just a vessel for Them, after all," Cub said. "So you could show me things, but I wouldn't remember them later."

"Oh, really? Well, that changes things if you won't remember anything. Is that just when you're wearing the mask? Does it happen all the time? Or do you-, well, do they, I guess the Vex decide that, don't they?" Tango said.

"It's every time I wear the mask. I remember very little from the pranks we did in season 5, if that tells you anything. It's all just blank when I think about how they were made," Cub said.

"So I just make you wear the mask and that's it? You forget everything? That seems like a dangerous amount of trust you would put in me, Cubby. I could do anything to you, like, like, I dunno, make you eat lava or something! And then make you not remember I did that to you! Are you sure you want to trust me with that kind of power?" Tango said, unsure he trusted himself if he was honest.

"I am just a vessel for the Vex. Use me as you will. Your word is the word of the Vex. I will obey," Cub said reverently. "The fact you are even doubting yourself is what makes me trust you. I know you won't hurt me. It would get in the way of Decked Out being finished."

Tango laughed. "Hey! No cheek from you, slave! Geez. Alright. Get your mask on then. Let's see how much you remember once I'm done with you."

"Yes, master," Cub said, the mask materialising in his hands. As soon as the mask touched his skin, Cub was no longer in control.

-

Tango stood back, watching Cub work. Gathering materials, that was safe enough for now, right? A proof of concept, at any rate. Once he knew Cub didn't remember, then he could deploy him for other tasks that were perhaps a little more sensitive. Of course, he entertained the idea of doing unspeakable things to him while he was in this state, but as Cub had said, that would just delay finishing Decked Out, and he'd hate himself for that. There was too much to do to waste his time messing around.

Cub's Vex form was a strange thing to behold. Tango hadn't specified nudity, so Cub was essentially himself, but with blue-grey skin and a Vex head, with empty white eyes and a thick leather collar around his neck.

Fun fact about that collar, though. Tango had discovered that if he grabbed it in a certain way, like how you might grab a dog's collar to control it and hold it back, Cub froze and dropped to his knees. It was like an instant switch in his head went off. Maybe he'd done that a couple of times once he'd learnt about that, just for shits and giggles. He was still getting used to having Cub at his beck and call, because he knew so much of his work didn't actually need an assistant, so finding things for him to do would sometimes be tricky. But he was learning to enjoy it.

Cub, meanwhile, placed yet another shulker of deepslate at his feet. "How many more, master? I have done seventeen so far."

Tango could verify that. His enderchest was full of the stuff. Cub was nothing if not thorough, and not above a grindy mining session. That said, Tango did make him take rest breaks, just because even he couldn't make himself mine deepslate for ten hours straight without breaks, let alone make another Hermit do it for him.

"Another four and then we're done, slave. You've done very well today, good work," Tango said.

"Thank you, master," Cub said.

"Do you need more shulkers? I've got plenty to spare," Tango said.

"I have two empty ones, master, that's all," Cub said.

Tango gave him two more. "There you go. Fill those four up, then we're done, alright? We'll go rest."

"Yes, master," Cub said. He took the shulkers, got to his feet, and went to continue mining.

-

Cub had fallen asleep in his bed as soon as Tango had tucked him in. It had been a bit of an effort to get him back to Scar's tree and down to the basement where Cub still lived, but the man was exhausted and Tango could tell. He used a little Vex magic to remove Cub's Vex mask and laid it down near the bed.

"There you go. Have a good rest, Cubby. You've earned it," Tango murmured, daring to brush Cub's fringe out of his eyes.

Tango didn't need to stay. Nothing was making him stay. He could go back to the dungeon and maybe sort out some shulkers. Maybe do a little more terraforming. Cub didn't need a babysitter. He was fine. He'd be fine. But Tango needed to be sure. And, if he was honest, maybe it was nice to be … not in his cave for a while?

God, the soft woody, leafy scent of Cub's basement was actually kind of soothing. He had a comfy chair to sit on, a nice hot chocolate, and a moment of silence to just think. The Vex seemed content. There were soft wings on the back of his neck, a sign he'd come to understand as their presence, but also their approval or their pride in him or something like that. A comforting gesture that meant he was doing well.

Still, he wasn't sure how to feel about it. Sure, having Cub help with things, and then not remember them, did solve a lot of his problems when it came to getting outside help with Decked Out. On the other hand, he was deliberately giving him memory gaps. But it was to keep him spoiler-free for the game! It was what Cub wanted! But- gah! Tango hated caring this much. Well, no, he didn't. But he wished he could shut his brain off long enough to enjoy this.

And it's not like Cub had been mining on his own while Tango just hung around and watched. He'd been mining too. They'd dug out so much more together than they would have if they'd done it on their own. And Cub was still perfectly capable of conversation, so it was even fun! It was… nice, Tango was willing to admit, to work with someone else and not be on his own.

Cub slept on. Tango wondered if Cub would be just as achey as he felt. He kept idly massaging his hands, knowing he should properly take care of himself given the pain in his shoulders, but ehh. Future Tango problem.

"Maybe a rest would do me good, too. It's not like I have anything else to do. And that bed does look very comfy," Tango mused.

A small, tiny voice in his head whispered to him. Sleep. Sleep. Barely audible but Tango heard them. He understood as a deep weariness filled his body.

He got to his feet. Kicked his boots off. Removed his outer robe and draped it over the chair. Made his way over to the empty side of the bed and carefully slipped under the covers. He was immediately filled with warmth. Something about those nether woods just radiated heat. He'd barely settled when Cub rolled over, pulling him into his arms.

"I'll silence your brain if you're not careful, master," Cub murmured, still appearing to be asleep as he settled down, resting his head against Tango's chest.

Tango smiled. He would've replied, but he was asleep before he thought of a response, the warmth from the bed and from Cub's body doing him in.

-

"You don't- do you remember anything? About yesterday?" Tango ventured as Cub opened his eyes the next day. They were still in bed. Tango felt wrecked. Cub reached for his hand, and kissed the back of it softly.

"If it's important, the Vex will let me remember," Cub said, completely unfased at any potential lack of memories. "Did we do a lot of digging? My body feels like we did a lot of digging. I hope it was helpful for you, master."

"We did. It was very helpful, thank you, Cub. Did you remember that, or are you just going off how sore your body is?" Tango said.

"Ehh." Cub shrugged nonchalantly against the pillow.

Cub did grind a lot, to be fair. Tango felt he should probably be used to feeling like that. He should have expected that.

"You wanna get up any time soon then?" Tango said.

"Might just sleep here a bit more, maybe. You can go if you want to, though. I know you're busy. Gotta get back to the cave, right?" Cub said.

"Maybe I also wanna sleep for a bit, maybe," Tango said. "This bed's just so comfortable and warm. I'm kinda jealous you get to sleep here all the time. Where can I get myself a bed like this?"

Cub smiled. "Well, technically, I just copied the one Scar made upstairs. I can build you one if you like. Maybe I can build you a bedroom in one of the towers for you to sleep in. A small space of your own away from the dungeon. I mean, I've been around that whole cave, and from what I remember, you don't have anywhere for yourself. Even I've got this place when I'm working on bigger projects."

"You don't need to do that, Cubby, really. I'm fine. I don't need it," Tango said, unwilling to focus on such luxuries as a bedroom he'd probably never use, at least not until the game and its winner was done and over with, and he could finally do something else.

"Yeah you do. If you won't leave the cave, at least give yourself a space to retreat to when you need a break. I'm not beyond dragging you there when you need it either," Cub said, a slight light-hearted threat in his voice.

Tango laughed. "Alright, alright, go build me something beautiful. But make it easy for a lazy man to access, because I ain't going far if you want me to sleep in a proper bed."

"Leave it with me, Tango. I'll sort you out," Cub said. He pulled Tango into his arms, refusing to let him go. "Now you're gonna stay here with me for a while because if you're as sore as me, you don't wanna be doing anything else right now. Maybe later we'll go to Keralis' place. A swim and a sauna will do you good. Then I'll let you go back to the cave, alright?"

Tango surrendered. Not that he needed much convincing. Perhaps this was what Cub was here for. To stop him burning out. Sure, the other hermits were always concerned about that, but they had their own stuff to do. Cub was right here, giving himself to Tango to use as he saw fit. Maybe his worth wasn't in the digging, but in the companionship. Maybe that was what he'd needed more than anything else.