#i think looking at the clock and seeing it’s 1am and knowing my cat could wake my ass up at 6am to get fed has got me feeling some fear lmao

[weedstop]

i need to watch something wholesome… why am i so on edge tonight. everything sounds scary even all the lighthearted stuff i like to watch

[robingurl]

Young Master: Scared of Thunderstorms

Reposting a fic since I now know I’m not alone in this glorious pursuit of hurt/comfort with Sebby and Ciel

Young Master: Fear of Thunderstorms By Robin Gurl

It was one of the stormier nights England had had in years. Thunder rocked the Phantomhive Mansion causing some of the chandeliers to shake with it, swaying back and forth.

Ciel sat up in his bed panting, shaking out of fear. It wasn’t like he going to come out right and say it that he was scared of storms…but he was. He looked to the door wondering if he should go find Sebastian. The demon didn’t sleep …so he’d be awake. Or he could just call him….

Lightening flashed again and Thunder crackled, Ciel jumped off the bed and sighed annoyed. He put his slippers on and wrapped his blanket around his body. This was more than a little embarrassing.

He took one of the candles out in the hallway and carried it with him down stairs then down one more floor the servants quarters. He tip toed hoping the other servants wouldn’t hear what was going on. He’d never live it down if he were caught down here.

He checked the kitchen but saw no one then looked down the hallway and saw the last room had a dim light coming through the bottom of the door. He took a deep breath wondering if he should just go back upstairs. Sebastian had told him many times to never disturb him at night …that if the young master needed him to only call.

He wondered if it was because of Sebastian’s true form. That he didn’t want Ciel to see it. “Well that’s bollucks, he is MY butler and MY demon…I should be able to see what I wish!”

He started down towards the end of the hallway and stopped at the door. Did he knock? Enter? Was it right to just enter even if he was the master? What if he had some female over….that thought boiled Ciel’s blood – he better bloody not have a girl in that room. He held his hand up to knock when the thunder clapped and his instincts took over, he fumbled quickly tears pricking his eyes and opened the door falling into the room in a pile of limbs.

Sebastian sat up dropping his book surprised. He blinked as one of his cats hopped off his shoulder and onto the floor pawing over curiously to the young child on the floor. “…Young Master?!” He stood up and hurried over kneeling down trying not to laugh, “What is this all about? You are trembling, did you have a nightmare?” He spared at glance at the clock on the nightstand beside the bed it was only 1am. He still would have had another hour to read more on tomorrows big dinner preparations before the housework would have called his name.

“Shut up!” Ciel shouted embarrassed, his cheeks were flushed red and he was unable to look at his butler. He sat up onto his knees looking down at the ground. His eyes clenched shut as he suddenly sneezed, his allergies acting up. “You a-are a fool if you think I came in here just f-for you!” He sneezed again.

“Am I the fool? This is my room, young master and while yes you do own this house, you did “give” me this room and it is my private quarters.” Sebastian explained calmly. “However, I am more concerned with the fact that my young master is in nothing but a blanket in the middle of the night in my room instead of upstairs asleep like he should be.”

Ciel glanced up then quickly looked back down. “I-It’s …n-nothing.” A clap of thunder exploded outside, Ciel jumped clenching his blanket tightly in his hands.

A smirk crossed Sebastian’s features. “Young master, are you frightened of the storm?”

“N-No of course not. I was just unable to sleep a-and worrie-“ Ciel suddenly sneezed again loudly, rubbing at his eyes.

The demon blinked watching as his young master sneezed again and again. “I believe the correct phrase is “bless you”, my lord?”

Ciel just tried to glare his body still trembling as he sniffled. “I-I’m allergic t-to c-ca- AHHHCHOO! Y-You idiot!!”

“Which is exactly why I asked you not to come down to my room and to stay away from it. I said it for your own safety, young master.” Sebastian sighed and picked up the candle that had fallen the stone floor. He handed it to Ciel, “Forgive me, my lord, but please allow me to put my friends up and then I shall join you outside of this room?”

Ciel nodded sniffling as he sneezed again, he did feel extremely embarrassed now. To think he really thought that Sebastian would turn into his true form or even have a woman over. He had made a fool of himself and now he’d have an allergy headache for the rest of the week.

Then again, Ciel turned around and watched from the entrance to Sebastian’s room, he’d never seen his butler wear anything but his suit. It was strange to see the demon in such comfortable clothes, they were obviously chosen for the felines comfort not his own, but it was still an amusing site. The satin Burgundy shirt and brown pants didn’t make his butler look bad – just different. He looked almost human.

He startled as thunder clapped loudly shaking the manor again and buried his face in his blanket. He heard the door shut and saw Sebastian was in front of him, dressed as he normally was. “T-That was fast.”

Sebastian just smiled warmly holding up the candelabra in front of his master’s face, “I do apologize for my unsightly appearance. Lady Elizabeth gave me that shirt as a thank you for helping with her party last month. I obviously have no need for such things but the kittens I found seem to love the texture, so when I do research for certain matters, I’ve taken to “changing” into something more comfortable.”

“T-That’s fine…t-that didn’t bother me. You have your servants quarters for that reason…” Ciel responded weakly still trying to quale the fear building up inside him.

“So, young master, may I ask again? Why are you all the way down here? I am most worried about your already fragile health, you are barefoot and trembling.” The demon reached forward and took the candle out of the small shaking hands. He blew it out and set it aside, his own candles lighting the way. “Let’s get you back to bed, shall we?”

Lightening flashed outside and a few seconds later thunder rumbled and exploded outside. Ciel dropped to his knees cowering under his blanket. Sebastian blinked and looked down, it was rare to see his master show such weakness in front of him. “Master?!” He knelt to his knees and lifted the edge of the blanket, this was bringing back memories of when he’d just met Ciel.

Ciel reluctantly lifted his gaze, his eyes were large and there were a few tears rolling down his cheeks. “…D-Don’t ..s-say a word…S-Sebastian…”

Sebastian merely reached forward and wiped a few of the tears off the pale cheeks. He then stood up and gathered the young child into his arms as if he were holding a babe. “Young Master, you do know that thunder can not harm you? And since we are inside, neither can the lightening? I was not aware that my master was sensitive to loud noises…”

“I-I’m not.” Came the embarrassed curt response. Ciel’s head popped out of the blanket and came to rest on Sebastian’s shoulder. Thunder exploded again and he clung to his butler. “O-Only t-thunder..”

“Relax your eyes, my lord, you already have a headache from your allergies, there is no need to make it worse. I am here, you are safe.” The demon said reassuringly as he walked up the big flight of stairs and down the hallway towards Ciel’s room.

“T-This is embarrassing. I am a the head of the Phantomhive Household…I should not be scared of thunder.” Ciel muttered not lifting his face from Sebastian’s shoulders.

The demon just smiled as he entered the master bed room. He sat the candelabra down on the boy’s nightstand beside the bed then gently lay his master down in the sheets and covers.

“S-Sebastian don’t leave!” Ciel said sitting up. “T-This is an order! S-Stay with me tonight!”

Sebastian only walked to the giant windows and pulled the curtains closed more tightly than they were before tying them shut. His eyes glowed red as he turned around, Ciel was huddled on the bed – knees to his chest. “Is that better? Now you can not see the lightening.”

Thunder rumbled and Ciel glanced up fearfully, “I-I can still hear it..! I-I o-order you to l-lay in bed w-with me..”

Sebastian blinked but obeyed and awkwardly got on the bed. He lay down as he was told and was surprised when the young child curled up beside him, burying his face in his side.

“I-I guess as a d-demon you can’t m-make it go away…”

“No, my lord, I do not have the power to control the weather, I’m afraid. However, if I may, I have an idea on how to remedy this problem so you may go to sleep.”

Ciel lifted his head curiously. He watched as Sebastian turned on his side and reached down placing both of his hands over Ciel’s ears. Ciel’s eyes widened as he felt the bed tremble from the thunder but he couldn’t hear it.

Sebastian smiled warmly at his master and guided the boy to lay down close to him so he could keep his hands over his master’s ears. He felt the boy relax and fall asleep, both of the small hands clenching the black waist coat until the knuckles were white. Sebastian leaned close to Ciel’s ear and removed one of his hands for a few seconds. “…Master, no matter what position you may hold in this world, you are still merely a child capable of childish fears and this does not make you weak, it is merely a normal step towards adult hood. Your soul is no less appetizing to me, never be afraid to show fear. I will stay by your side until morning as you have ordered me to do so.”

Ciel’s grip on the waist coat relaxed and his sleep sounded deeper as he snored lightly. Sebastian placed his hand back over the ear he had uncovered right as a large clap exploded over head. His young charge didn’t move this time or tremble in fear – for he was safe.

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

With Eyes to See and Ears to Hear - Chapter 23

’Soothing Touch’ – October 28th prompt, @flufftober. Prompts also fulfilled; ‘Cheshire Cat Grin’ and ‘Wipe That Smile Off Your Face’ – @multifandom-flash (Beehive), ‘Handcuffs, Ropes and Restraints’ – @marvelrarepairbingo Round 3, ‘Kissing Each Other’s Scars’ – @seasonaldelightsbingo Winter Wonderland Bingo, “Alright, let’s hear it. I know you’ve had time to think of some good excuses.” – Post-@julybreakbingo. Matt is caught in the shower, and Clint decides to punish him. CW: Kinky sex, sexual ‘punishment’.

Check it out on AO3 here, or with the boards under the KR!

I jerked awake as if disturbed, casting my eyes around the dark room in confusion. The sun had long set, the bedside clock declaring it to be a little after 1am. I inhaled tentatively; my nose was still sore, but clear, the ache in my face having subsided somewhat – no doubt the result of Matt’s insistent administration of cold and flu remedies over the course of the last few days. But now he was gone, the bed cold, and something was amiss. There was no reason to suspect anything was wrong – nothing looked awry – but I had a quiet sense of unease in my chest as I shimmied from the sheets. The bathroom door was ajar, light snaking through the crack, and I cursed my lack of foresight at not snagging my hearing aids as I’d risen, pausing just outside and, for an unknowable and futile reason, straining my deaf ears for any sound coming from the other side of the wood. All I could see was the faint trail of steam creeping between the door, curling around the frame and drifting off into the darkness. Nudging my way inside, I sighed in relief at the sight of Matt’s bare back through the frosted glass, straight and pale and seemingly unmarred, as far as I could see. I stepped closer, silently shedding my clothes, surprised when he didn’t turn around as I leant around the glass, eyebrow raising in surprise. One hand was pressed to the tile in front of him, fingers clenched without purchase, and the angle he stood allowed me only to see the muscles in his other shoulder working. Blinking in surprise – and suddenly realising why his heightened senses hadn’t alerted him to my approach – I stepped in behind him, reaching out to run my fingertips gently down his back. “And just what do you think you’re doing?” I murmured, moving closer, one hand trailing over his hip to grip his wrist. He shivered in surprise, head turning to meet my eyes with a sheepish grin. “You were asleep – and unwell – I didn’t want to disturb you…” With a soft, playful growl, I spun him around to press his back to the tile, eliciting a gasp of shock at the cold wall against his flushed skin. “You thought you could deprive me? That’s very entitled of you…” He raised an eyebrow in surprise, a faint smirk flickering at his lips. “I’m terribly sorry, Sir… I must have forgotten myself.” Groaning under my breath at his immediate understanding, I pressed my hand to his skin, pinning him lightly. My lips trailed over a number of scars on his chest, light and reverent, his mouth parting in a silent gasp of pleasure as my hands found his hips. “What made you think you could touch yourself without my permission?” I purred, nipping gently at his throat, and he shivered beneath me. “I-I, um-” My eyes met his briefly, seeking his consent and encouragement, heat stirring in my abdomen when he smiled reassuringly, and I cocked a brow arrogantly at his Cheshire Cat grin. “Wipe that smile off your face, boy…” My hand wrapped around his straining length, making his lashes flicker with need, any amusement in his face replaced with enraptured pleasure. “Alright, let’s hear it. I know you’ve had time to think of some good excuses…” Fingers tightening infinitesimally, I smirked when he hissed, head falling back against the tile. “I-I didn’t want to disrupt your sleep – I couldn’t help myself…” I hummed under my breath, leaning in to nip gently at his exposed throat. “That doesn’t sound like a particularly good excuse to me…” He whined and bucked into my hand, hips stuttering with desperate need. “You were so tired, and unwell. I wanted to make sure you got enough rest. But I woke up with- uh, this… And I had to do something about it…” Smirking, I stroked him a little more firmly, free hand pinning his chest. “Always so needy, Devil. Perhaps I should teach you a lesson.” He nodded eagerly, eyes snapping open to gaze at me. “Please. God, please, Clint…” Smirking, I cupped his cheek, leaning closer to brush my lips over his lightly. “How about we move this back to the bed, Murdock?”

My palm found his chest once more as he pulled me desperately toward the bed, whimpering and whining, his cock visibly aching and beading as I pushed him onto his back on the sheets. “Clint, fuck, please-” I shushed him soothingly, rifling through my kit bag and smirking at him over my shoulder. Distantly, I revelled in the change in my self-esteem since we’d met – never before had I moved around my apartment naked with such comfort. While he couldn’t see me, the way he related to my body – to me, as a trans man – had changed my perspective of myself for the better. When I approached him again, his head was cocked curiously – no doubt knowing, in unfathomable ways, that I now held something in my hands. Curious, I dragged the rope through my palm, smirking when he stilled, sightless eyes widening in surprise and pleasure. “Hands, Devil.” He obliged immediately, offering me his wrists without complaint and letting out a soft groan when I straddled his hips, settling my wetness against his length lightly as I carefully bound him. He shifted and pressed himself closer, muttering nonsensical pleas under his breath, the minute movements of his lips too delicate to track much beyond please and need. Moving a little further up his chest, my knees tucked under his arms as I secured the free tail of the rope to the headboard, I felt his head duck longingly at my heat sitting tantalisingly close to his mouth. I smirked as I rested on my heels, watching him strain needily for me, muscles tight against his restraints. “Is this what you want, sweetheart?” My hand found the space between my legs, and I sighed softly, earning a squirm and a whine in response. “Yes- God, yes. Please. Please…” My hand shifted instead to his hair, hips inching forward, and he groaned against me as his lips found my clit, tongue trailing the length of me eagerly, his enthusiastic sounds producing delectable vibrations against my core. “Fuck- A Devil’s tongue, indeed-” My words died in my throat as his tongue found its way inside me, fading into a soft groan of pleasure. “May- Maybe I’ll just stay here, let you make me come and then leave you wanting…” He whimpered against me again, straining to press himself closer, hips shifting behind me in a desperate hunt for friction. With a sigh, I tipped my head back momentarily, relishing the feeling of his eager mouth on me a heartbeat longer before moving away, hesitating at the sight of his glassy eyes and parted lips, a look of pure euphoria on his face. So handsome. He was inside me before he’d recovered from my movement; I was too lost in his divine beauty to wait any longer. With a stuttered gasp, his eyes closed once more, restrained hands curling into fists and grasping desperately at his ropes. My chest met his as I rolled my hips, kissing him softly and purring at my taste on his lips. “Clint- fuck, you feel s-so good, I don’t know if I can-” I smiled at the stammered words, tongue moving clumsily over his teeth, and kissed him harder, one hand moving between my legs to encourage my own climax, the other wrapping in his hair and tucking his head back to expose the delicate curve of his throat to my exploring lips. “It’s okay, baby,” I murmured against his jaw, hips shifting harder, letting out a groan at the feeling of him buried deeply inside me. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. You don’t have to hold on.” As if on cue, he gasped aloud, back arching as he filled me with his warmth, the sensation of him encouraging me to move ever faster, my fingers fumbling clumsily against myself as I sought my own precipice. No sooner had his jerking begun to subside than I buried my face in his throat as I cried out, the convulsions of my own body making him whimper and twitch in his oversensitivity.

I lay panting beside him, gently rubbing a cooling cream into the faint lines around his wrists, my soothing touch easing the mild discomfort from his skin as we recovered. “That was…” he trailed off with a dazed, happy grin, and I chuckled, pressing a kiss to his sweat-damp chest. “It was,” I agreed, shivering happily, and tugged the sheets a little higher over his chest. “So… Think you’ll be able to go back to sleep now? I mean, I think I’ve sufficiently worn you out…” I glanced back up from his hands to watch his response, smiling softly when I found him slack-jawed, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as his eyes closed. Leaning up, I pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth, earning a weak, sleepy smile, and nestled myself more comfortably under his arm. Perfect.

[hilarioushilarity]

(not) lost in translation pt. 2

{I am a lying liar who lies, 2-3 days my ass. You can read Part 1 here.}

The second time Alexei meets Kent Parson is at the All Star weekend that season.

When Mama and Papa had flown back to Russia, Alexei had rapidly realised that he was effectively a thousand miles away from everything he had ever known, and that:

1) Nobody around him spoke Russian; and 2) He couldn't speak English.

Alexei hates English. With a passion. He's not stupid enough to tell anyone this particular fact, but he thinks it every time he sits down for his English classes and wrestles with prepositions and adverbs, or heaven forbid, attempts to conjugate a verb. Every rule had a million exceptions, so what was even the point of the rule? English as a language was just unfair, he had decided, and he tells Mama this over the phone one month in.

She is sympathetic, in her typical Spartan manner. "You'll learn," she tells him. "Practise for at least three hours every day."

Alexei is appalled. "Mama, when am I meant to get three hours of practice each day?"

"There is always time."

He honestly doesn't know what else he expected. "Okay Mama," he says, and then turns the conversation to how stupidly big portion sizes were in America. Criticising the diets of North Americans was always guaranteed to catch her attention.

To his dismay, his father just laughs at him.

"Papa." Alexei may or may not be whining.

"Your Mama told you to just find time, didn't she," he says, when he's finally stopped cackling for long enough to take a breath.

Alexei hangs up on him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Papa says, when he calls back a minute later. The wheezing laughs have stopped, which is a relief.

"Okay," Alexei says warily.

"I mean it." His father is abruptly serious. "I'm sorry for laughing, you're in a tough situation right now. English is not an easy language to learn." They both know that his father never truly gained fluency in it - never had the chance to need it.

"It's really hard, Papa." He doesn't think he's just talking about English anymore.

"Things worth doing usually are, Alyosha," his father says gently.

Alexei chews his lip. "I don't know if I'm doing anything right."

"Are you playing good hockey?" Papa asks.

"Yes, Papa."

"You aren't bullying anyone on the ice?"

"No -"

"Working hard? Doing your English lessons? Going to all your practices on time, practising anything your coach says you need to work on?"

"Yes -"

"Then you are doing it right. And I am proud of you."

His father's voice is warm, and it curls around Alexei. He suddenly, desperately, wishes he could hug his father tightly. "Okay Papa."

"Now go and practice your English," Papa says, and Alexei does.

So hockey is the only thing he has besides torturous English lessons, and he devotes himself to it. He racks up goals and assists every game, plays a clean defensive game, and keeps his stats glowing. English smalltalk remains his nemesis but he's getting there, one pleasantry at a time. Before he knows it, he's being invited to the All Stars Weekend. He dithers over the invite for a few days, until the head of Capitals PR eventually corners him on his way out of the locker rooms.

"You should go," LaRue tells him. "It's good for building up your fanbase." He continues to go on at depth about social media presences and ticket sales. Alexei dutifully nods his way through the lecture, and ends up promising to go just to escape.

For some unknown sin in this life or a past one, he is roomed with a D-man from the Aeros who talks loudly and snores louder than a chainsaw. Alexei realises this on the first night when he lays in bed, staring at the ceiling as the red digits on the bedside clock tick over from 11 to 12, then 1. There's a snore once every three seconds, accompanied by whistling through some gap between teeth. Alexei kills half an hour searching up English sayings to describe snoring and deciding that his roommate "snores like a foghorn" before he finally gives up and rolls out of bed.

The hotel they've been put up in has an indoor gym and swimming pool. Alexei slings on a towel, sneaking out of the room before taking the lift down. On first glance, the gym is deserted, because any sane person is currently asleep. Alexei, running on no sleep, does not qualify.

Except, when he's halfway through his reps on the elliptical, a quiet voice behind him says: "Um. Hi, Alexei?"

Alexei turns around and comes face to face with Kent Parson.

What they are is nebulous at best. More than acquaintances - Kent Parson had talked to his Mama and Papa and his Mama had said Kent was a Very Nice Person. But less than friends, certainly. After the draft, Kent had gone west to the Aces and Alexei had gone east to the Capitals. He hasn't really kept track of Kent's career, but he would have to be under an actual rock to not know Kent is the only other rookie at the All Stars weekend and the NHL's current leading scorer.

"Hello," Alexei replies. There's a drop of sweat slowly rolling down his face and he's painfully aware that he probably stinks a little.  Meanwhile Kent Parson looks fresh as a daisy at one in the morning. The limits of his smalltalking abilities in English remain breathtakingly small despite the benefit of six months of English tutoring, so he kind of hopes Kent takes pity on his poor, sweaty form.

Kent does not. "It's been a while. Good to see you."

Goddamnit, they're smalltalking. "Good to see you, too."

Kent looks unbothered at the lack of scintillating conversation. He rolls onto the balls of his feet, fiddling with the strap of the duffel slung over his shoulder. "So uh. How's your mum?" he says, then immediately blanches. "Shit. I didn't mean - I just -"

"Good," Alexei says, mostly to put him out of his misery. "She good."

Kent looks earnest. "Oh, that's really good to hear." And then he seems to waver a bit.

"How is family?" Alexei says, when the silence stretches on. "They come visit after draft?"

"Ah yeah." Kent visibly brightens up. "They did! It was great, we had dinner and hung out a bit, and I gave my sister your mum's autograph - she's so cool by the way, but I bet you already knew that - I'd love to thank her again."

There are just - so many words. Alexei takes a few seconds to work through the sentence. "Glad to hear sister like. Maybe you see Mama again at game with Aces?"

"Definitely," Kent says, and Alexei's heard so many people say that over the past six months, but he thinks this time he could believe it. "So, uh. What's keeping you up?"

Only the loudest snorer on the entire American continent. "Roomie." Alexei searches for the words. "Snoring like foghorn."

Kent winces. "Jeez, I know what you mean. Did you try poking him to get him to roll over?"

"To scared to poke," Alexei admits. "Big guy."

"Who are you rooming with?"

"Winkler?"

"Fuck, yeah, he's a big dude. Better not poke him."

Alexei sighs. "Snore so loud - and whistle too. Like train." At Kent's blank look, he tries: "Choo choo?"

"Choo - oh god, you mean like a steam engine?"

Alexei pulls out his phone in answer. "How spell that? Steam engine?" He dutifully plugs in the letters Kent rattles off, and hits translate. "Oh. Yes. He steam engine."

"Heh," Kent says. "I double dog dare you to say that to him." He must catch the look of utter incomprehension on Alexei's face, because he quickly backtracks. "Not up with the slang yet? Sorry. I meant, you should tell him that."

"But why?" Alexei doesn't want to get punched.

"As a joke," Kent adds hastily. "It's funny, because we know it's stupid so we wouldn't do it."

English was just ridiculous. "Okay," Alexei tries. "Double dog dare you cycle on elliptical, see who faster."

"That's not..." Kent trails off. He smiles, then shakes his head. "That's not how it works. But we'll work on it," he assures Alexei, with a firm pat on his shoulder.

It's worlds away from the way the Caps' coach tends to roll his eyes heavenward when Alexei goes left when he should go right, or his English tutor, who is nice enough but is prone to banging her head against the table a little when Alexei fumbles the conjugation on a verb. "Not now," Alexei says. "Later?"

Kent checks his watch and he actually looks surprised, like the complete lack of other people didn't clue him in. "Wow, it's pretty late, isn't it?"

Unbelievable. "Why you up?"

"Got caught up practising."

Alexei sideeyes him. "Practising?"

Kent flushes a little. "Practising my stick handling. Shooting accuracy."

Alexei can't help but boggle at him. "You practising? At 1AM?"

"I couldn't sleep," Kent says, a little defensively.

"You crazy," Alexei decides, but there's a lot of fondness that must be apparent to even Kent, who looks less offended than he does a mildly grumpy, like the family cat when he accidentally stepped on her tail as a child. "But you wipe ice with everyone, so you champion crazy."

"Damn straight I'm the champion crazy," Kent says, planting his hands on his hips like a dork. "Yeah, laugh it up, I'll definitely be wiping the ice with you."

Alexei pretends to cower. "Okay, Kent Parson, I try best not cry on ice then."

"You will be bawling your eyes out," Kent says with promise, and then looks so affronted when Alexei just doubles over, breathless with laughter.

"I believe you," Alexei says to the ground, from where he's still bent over trying to catch his breath. "Cry many tears."

"You better," Kent says, but then he's laughing helplessly too, dropping his duffel. "Oh god, I really am champion crazy."

Alexei reaches over to pat him on the back. "Is okay, still like, even if Kent Parson practice hockey at one in morning."

"You don't think I'm too crazy?" Perhaps it's meant to be joking, but Alexei can't help but look up sharply.

"Never. You think Crosby best because he slack off?"

"I don't think he's ever stayed up until 1 because he was nervous about All Stars," Kent says, then bites his lip.

"You nervous?" Alexei asks. Kent hesitates. "Why you nervous?"

"I just - it's been a lot," Kent finally says. He's looking to the side, staring at the elliptical. Alexei waits, and Kent says in a rush: "I feel like I have to be the best, or - or else -"

"Not have to say what," Alexei says gently. "Not make you say."

Kent scowls. "It's stupid. Everyone's thinking it, they just don't say it. That I'm the second choice."

At the Draft, Alexei had known vaguely that Kent Parson and another boy called Jack Zimmermann had widely been slated to go first and second - in either order. It was true that every analyst had put the latter in first place, and that when Aces called Kent Parson's name there had been a slight pause in the audience's murmuring. Kent's smile had been strained as he left their table.

Alexei's stood across from Kent on the ice before. He's watched countless hours of tape of the Aces' play and by proxy, of Kent. Kent Parson on the ice is a force of nature, skating circles around defence and sinking pucks into the net as easy as breathing. And in his heart of hearts, he thinks the margin between first and second had been far smaller than most people thought.

But now, under the harsh gym lights that highlight the remaining softness of his jaw and the dark patches beneath his eyes, Alexei realises that Kent's still just a kid. Alexei's just a kid. They're both just teenagers. And there's very little of the player who had breezed past Alexei at the last Caps game with the Aces, or of the player who had mercilessly crushed their four game winning streak without batting an eye. Under the padding and past all the hype, Kent was far from the figure he cut on ice and as vulnerable as any other human.

"Even if people say second choice, what matter?" Alexei says. "You first. You here now. Play well. Maybe bit annoy on ice but not bully. And seem nice, polite to Mama. Thinking of sister even at draft. Get autograph for her. That matter. Not other people."

He hopes he hasn't overdone it - perhaps Kent wasn't looking for a heart-to-heart in the hotel gym at 1AM. But instead of taken aback Kent looks - a little watery.

"Why you cry?" Alexei is horrified.

"I'm not crying," Kent sniffs. "I'm not."

Alexei bites his tongue. "Uh okay." He politely looks away as Kent wipes his eyes.

"I'm not saying I can't cry," Kent begins, which Alexei takes as his cue that it's safe to look back at him. His eyes are just slightest bit red, and even that's only if you know what to look for.  “I just try not to cry in front of others.”

"Okay," Alexei says cautiously.

Kent takes a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Welcome," Alexei replies automatically, then says: "But. For what?"

Kent stares at him. "For - listening? For not being an asshole about the fact I'm still some nervy rookie?"

Christ. People thanked each other for things like that in America? "No need thank," Alexei says. Then, desperate to change the subject, he adds: "So we agree! No need for nervous! You real KVP."

"The what?"

"KVP." Alexei gestures. "I see on Twitter - they calling you 'the Real KVP'".

"That's not - " Kent splutters. "That's my name, Alexei."

Alexei tries not wince. "Oh. Oops, sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Kent brings out his phone, thumbing at something on the screen. He eventually holds out his phone, open to a websearch. "See? It's a joke on MVP. That's 'Most Valuable Player'."

"Oh," Alexei says again. "Make sense. Sometimes miss reference - thank you for explaining."

Kent stows away his phone, corners of his mouth twitching upwards again. "You've only been in the US for what, six months? Your English is great. If you put me in Russia I would probably just turn around and go back to the US."

"You miss good food then," Alexei tuts. "Russian food is best food."

"Hell no, I've seen what you guys count as soup. I'm not touching borscht with a ten-foot pole."

"Borscht is best soup!" Alexei tries to sound outraged.

"Look man, all I'm saying is that anything that pink should not be eaten."

Blasphemy. "You try pirozhki then? Small, baked -" He gropes around for the word, then gives up and calls up the translator app on his phone. "Dumpling."

"I've never had that," Kent says, but he at least looks intrigued. "What did you call it? Pay-roz-kay?"

His accent is actually appalling. "Pirozhki," Alexei corrects.

Kent frowns. "Poe-roz-ki?"

"Pirozhki"

"Poh-rosh-ki?"

Alexei nods in approval. "Good, sounds good."

"I like the sound of baked dumplings," Kent says. "Mm. Pirozkhi. I might go see if there's any places that do it in Vegas."

"Let me know if yes." Alexei nudges him. "I come try when Caps play Aces."

"You got it."

Alexei cuts off any further conversation with the embarrassingly loud yawn that escapes him then.

"Shit, it's like 1:30AM." Kent winces. "We have to get up at like 7 tomorrow - today? Holy crap we better go to sleep."

Alexei levers himself up, gathering his towel and bottle. "Hope not fall asleep on skates tomorrow."

"How about I check you if I see you dropping off," Kent suggests, then snickers at Alexei's raised eyebrow. "Bad idea?"

"Sure can check me?" Alexei makes a show of looking Kent up and down. He holds his index finger and thumb about ten centimetres apart. "So small."

"You asshole," Kent says, but he's laughing. "I'm not short, you're just a giant."

"If say so," Alexei shrugs. They start towards the elevator banks. "If help sleep at night."

"Fuck you, I sleep really well at night," Kent says petulantly. Alexei eyes the shadows beneath his eyes.

"I believe, I believe," he says instead with his best shit-eating grin. They get in the lift. "Okay, floor?"

Kent reaches over and pushes the button for 15. "You?"

"Twelve. Thank you." Kent nods, and they start moving up.

"So see you tomorrow, yes?"

"Yeah." Kent shoulders his duffel a little more firmly. "Be prepared to cry like a baby."

Alexei flaps his hands, just as the lift doors open on his floor. "Yeah, yeah, I cry so much."

The smile Kent gives him is small, but very real. "Good night Alexei."

"Good night," Alexei says, stepping out and turning to wave goodbye. The doors shut on Kent's smile, and Alexei stands there for a second, the airconditioning cool against his slightly sweaty neck.

"Hopefully not cry too much," he says to himself, before heading back to his room.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Humpty Dumpty: Have you ever felt so broken that you didn’t feel like you could be put back together again? That’s how I’ve felt for a long time now.

2. Jack and Jill: Have you ever tumbled/rolled down a grassy hill? No.

3. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star: Do you enjoy stargazing? Has anyone ever gotten a star named for you? I don’t stargaze per se, but I’ll look up and acknowledge the stars sometimes for a moment. Aww no, no one has had a star named for me. 

4. Little Bo Peep: Have you ever thought you lost something that was actually right in front of you the whole time? Yeah.

5. Itsy Bitsy Spider: What do you typically do on a rainy day? I don’t do anything different except for acknowledge that it’s raining. I love listening to the rain.

6. Baa Baa Black Sheep: Do you own any clothing made out of wool? No.

7. Ring Around the Rosie: Did you know that this childhood song/nursery rhyme is actually about The Black Death? Yep. Children back then made nursery rhymes during plagues, people today have memes. 

8. Five Little Ducks: Have you ever gotten lost before? Yes.

9. I’m a Little Teapot: What is your favorite flavor/type of tea to drink? Peppermint, spearmint, and chamomile. 

10. Hokey Pokey: How were you taught to understand the difference between your left and right sides? Hmm. I’m not sure.

11. Old MacDonald Had a Farm: What is your favorite farm animal? Horses.

12. Make up your own lyric for “Down By The Bay”. Okay, how about: “Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say, did you ever see a cat playing with a bat down by the bay.”

13. Little Miss Muffet: Would you be terrified if a spider sat down beside you? UH YES. That’s happened a few times where it was near me or even worse, ON ME. lsjfkdfklsd.

14. Rockabye Baby: Do you feel that this is a more calming or terrifying lullaby for children? It sounds calming, but yeah the lyrics are disturbing. “when the bough breaks, the baby will fall, down will come baby cradle and all.” Uh....

15. Hickory Dickory Dock: What are you usually doing when the clock strikes 1? 1PM I’m still asleep. 1AM I’m probably eating ramen and watching YouTube videos.

16. Pat-a-Cake: What’s your favorite thing to bake/baked good to eat? I don’t bake, but I love brownies, cupcakes, and muffins.

17. Why do we stomp our feet if we’re “Happy and We Know It”? Shouldn’t we be doing this when we’re angry instead? True.

18. The Wheels on the Bus: Where’s the furthest you’ve ever gone on a bus before? Not far, like just 10-15 minutes.

19. Row, Row, Row Your Boat: Do you enjoy boating? (ie: cruises, kayaking, canoeing, white water rafting, etc) I don’t do any of those things.

20. 3 Blind Mice: Do you know someone who is blind? Yes.

21. 3 Little Kittens: Do you prefer gloves or mittens when getting dressed for chilly weather? Gloves. I rarely need to wear them, though. 

22. Jack Be Nimble: Do you enjoy lighting scented candles? I like the idea and aesthetic of it, but I don’t actually do it. I wish I were a candle lighting kinda gal.

23. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear: Have you ever made a teddy bear or any other sort of stuffed animal at Build-a-Bear? If not, do you still have a favorite teddy bear/stuffed animal from your childhood? I have a lot of my stuffed animals from my childhood stored away.

24. 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed: Have you ever cracked your head open before and needed stitches? Nooo, thankfully.

25. Hey Diddle Diddle: The cat plays a fiddle. What instrument would you like to play? Piano.

26. Mary Had a Little Lamb: Have you ever brought a pet to school for show and tell before? No.

27. Once I Caught a Fish Alive: If you go fishing, do you release the fish afterwards, or do you take them home and cook them? The only fishing I do is in Animal Crossing haha. In which case, I sometimes keep to sell or let ‘em go. 

28. Little Jack Horner: What is your favorite flavor of pie? The only kind of pie I like is cheesecake.

29. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary: Do you have a garden? What do you plant in it? Nope. I do in Animal Crossing, though lmao. 

30. Miss Mary Mack: Do you wear clothing with a lot of buttons? I don’t like wearing stuff with buttons. Too much work.

31. Old Mother Hubbard: What is your favorite food to keep in your cupboard? Ramen.

32. There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: Do you have a lot of siblings growing up? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? I only have two brothers.

33. This Little Piggy: Do you like roast beef? No.

34. Rain, Rain Go Away: Have you ever played outside in the rain before? Yeah.

35. It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Do you know someone who snores very loudly? My dad does.

36. Star Light, Star Bright: Do you ever wish on stars? Has one of your wishes actually come true before? Nope.

37. Here is the Beehive: Are you allergic to bees? Do you know anyone who is? Do you enjoy eating honey? Isn’t everyone, technically? Though some have more severe reactions. I’ve never been stung by a bee, thankfully, so I don’t know what my reaction would be like. I don’t recall the last time I had any honey, but yeah it’s good. It’s good with peanut butter on toast.

38. If All the Raindrops Were Lemon Drops and Gumdrops: What food would you want to rain down from the sky: That doesn’t sound pleasant lol.

39. Little Boy Blue: Have you ever slept anywhere other than a bed before? Where?                       The couch, floor, and the car.

40. Do You Know the Muffin Man?: What is your favorite type of muffin to eat? Banana (without the nut), blueberry, and lemon poppyseed. Also, Entenmann’s has mini muffins in party cake flavor that are really good.

41. Wee Willie Winkie: Have you ever sleepwalked before? No. I’ve never known anyone who does, but it sounds scary to witness. 

42. B-I-N-G-O: If you had a dog, what would you name it? I have a dog, her name is Princess Leia.

43. Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?: Has your pet ever run away from home before? Did it get returned? Nooo. I would be a complete mess if my dog ever ran away. One of my cousins has a dog who roams the streets and comes back randomly and she’s fine with it. I’m just like noooo way. I couldn’t allow that. My doggo is my baby!

44. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?: What’s the most you would spend when adopting a dog? We paid about $150 to adopt our doggo.

45. This Old Man: Do you own any knick-knacks? Yeah.

46. 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe: When did you learn to tie your own sneakers? I think I was like 4. I remember going around the house tying all the shoes once I learned. 

47. Are You Sleeping?: What time do you typically go to bed at night? Like 7AMish. :X I don’t understand how that became my norm these past few months. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[rosecolouredsecrets]

The night time air was cool and quiet. The only sound was the occasional chirp and hoot from a bird somewhere. Rosewood’s courtyard was cast in a deep blue light, fireflies sparking around the rosebushes every so often. Lola’s legs dangled from her bedroom window, her eyes sparkling brighter than the stars as she stared thoughtfully at the sky. It was a clear night. Not a cloud was in sight. Lola blinked at the moon; its sharp curves shone wide and bright in a way that made Lola feel nostalgic and sleepy.

She took in a deep breath of the air and allowed herself to relax. This was her happy place. What could possibly make this any better? She wondered, swinging her legs a little. Then it hit her. She leaned from the window back into her room and opened the top drawer of her bedside table, took out a chocolate muffin, and a tiny, yellow notebook. She winced as her hand brushed against an object she had tried to forget, but had been to fond of to throw out. A wave of old memories filled her brain.

Lola shook the sadness from her head and took a bite of her muffin, sketching the moon. An hour later, the clock struck 1am. She lifted her sketches in comparison to the moon and yawned. Not quite… she considered the sketches. It’s missing something, but what? Lola chewed the end of her pencil and stared intently at the moon.

It twitched.

She froze and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Tiredness is playing tricks on me, isn’t it? She rubbed her eyes and stared at it again in doubt. The moon twitched, and twisted upside down until it looked like a grin. Two, all-knowing, turquoise eyes blinked open above it. Lola gasped and stared with her mouth wide open in disbelief.

‘Good morning,’ a voice purred. Lola folded her arms and turned away, pouting in childish defiance. The Cheshire cat twirled in the air, revealing his bright pink, fluffy stripes from his invisibility. He glided gracefully to eye-level with Lola and rested his head on his chin, his tail flicking cockily behind him. ‘What, no ‘how-do-you-do’ for me this fine day?’ He asked humorously. Lola did not find anything about this situation funny. She had been having a lovely time, and now it was ruined by a ghost from her past. She glanced at him and shifted her body away from his direction, crossing her legs to make a point. The Cheshire cat chuckled and floated onto his back, wafting his tail into Lola’s face. She couldn’t help it. Her lip twitched and bubbles began to pop inside her stomach as an involuntary smile plastered her face. ‘Stop that!’ She giggled, waving him away. His tail was still so soft. It made her fingers prick with memory and sadness.

Lola remembered herself and cleared her throat. ‘What do you want?’ The Cheshire cat rolled onto his belly and leaned his head on one hand, examining the claws of the other. ‘I thought I’d drop in, see how you were,’ his eyes shone with something secretive that made Lola sit up straighter and tug on a bit of her hair. ‘Maybe you could play me a song…’ he teased. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. ‘No, I haven’t… it’s…’ her heart thudded loudly, ‘it’s been so long.’ she couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice and it made her want to cry. Why was he here, after all these years? There hadn’t been one single letter, gift, carrier pigeon, or anything to let her know he still cared. Well, Cheshire’s always been like that. He never showed that he cared Lola thought bitterly as tears pricked at her eyes. She squeezed her skirt in her hands, willing herself not to cry. The Cheshire cat sat up and padded the air, like a housecat trying to get comfortable. He was still grinning from ear to ear. ‘My dear lollipop, you know how I feel about apologies; however, I should tell you I’ve truly come here to redeem myself,’ he bowed and rolled the ‘r’ as he said ‘redeem’. Lola sniffed and pulled her knees up to her chest. ‘Come on, lollipop, remember how we used to be?’ he drifted over to her and rested on her shoulders. Lola could smell his inviting scent of strawberry ice cream and lavender. It made her feel dizzy as she conflicted her old feelings and the hurt he had caused her. The soft purring in her ear made her frown dissipate and she let go of her dress. The Cheshire cat came round to face her again. ‘I was wondering if you’d like to dance.’ He purred whimsically, making his pink stripes flash different colours.

Lola smiled and wiped her nose on her arm. Maybe one dance can’t hurt? Something at the back of her mind told her she was wrong, but The Cheshire cat had a way with her. She swung her legs into her room and rushed to the top drawer, pulling out two pairs of tap shoes, and the object she had avoided for so long, but had been too attached to throw away. She clasped the kazoo tightly in her hand and stepped out of the window onto The Cheshire cats back. His body squished under her weight into the proportions of a book and he flew them down into the middle of the courtyard. They stood side by side. ‘A one, a two, a one, two, three,’ They began to tap to music only they could hear, twisting perfectly in time with each other, creating an enchanting melody of taps that echoed into the still night air. The fireflies seemed to bounce to their beat, flying faster and faster in a whirl around them. Lola giggled, feeling dreamy and content. It felt so right for them to finally be dancing together again, but something dark tugged at the back of Lola’s mind, trying to remind her of something. Or warn her.

‘Play the kazoo!’ The Cheshire cat called to her over their tapping, bringing her out of her thoughts. She blew the melody she had tried to forget for so many years. It was haunting and beautiful. The fireflies responded by speeding up in a whir of excitement, whizzing around and around the both of them until they were but a blur. Lola didn’t think anything of it. She just kept tap dancing to the wii soundtrack she was playing on her kazoo, so enraptured in the sounds and feeling of nostalgia that she didn’t notice The Cheshire Cat twist his hands in odd movements, or the bright white light open up over her, and the things that began to crawl out of them in disturbing and distorted jolts.

She played, and tapped, and twirled until she realised she was unable to stop. Panic formed a knot in her stomach and she looked about for The Cheshire cat as she danced. When she finally saw him – and everything around him - she paled. Her brain was yelling, clawing, screaming at her, calling her a fool, begging her to run as fast as she could, but she had been hypnotised. Tears streamed down her eyes as she blew the melody. Instead of running, her feet tapped to the Nintendo tune. The Cheshire cat drifted to eye-level with her. His grin was menacing, his fur a multi-coloured flash of lies and evil. Lola’s feet ached and her breath was running out. A weight of guilt and horror planted her shoulders and she felt cold sweat drip down her back. Slowly, her vision blurred and began to fade. ‘Good night,’ The Cheshire cat purred in a sickly-sweet voice as Lola lost consciousness.

[evotter]

jan, march, sept + one of your choice, love. have a great day, u icon

thank u kyra i adore u

january: what was the first fic you posted this year?

the first fic i posted this year TECHNICALLY was the epilogue of a different path. the first standalone was chewbacca (aka my introduction to the jily world once again and i have such a soft spot for it)

march: do you listen to music whilst writing? 

yes! pretty much always; if it’s not music, it’s a TV show.

september: share a comment or review which still warms your heart?

quite literally anything you’ve left on any of my fics BUT there are a few that i hold dear to my heart. i’ll post them under the cut cause they are LONG :’)

ancient: the first fic you ever posted online?

hahahaaaaaaa. it was my own version of rick riordan’s the son of neptune before the actual book was published. it was on ff.net, and the first chapter got 7 reviews, and i felt so good about myself after that lmfao. who knew i’d still be writing 8 years later?

ask me questions!

OKAY so i have 3 top favorites:

from a different path:

okay so i had seen this in someone else’s bookmarks the other day, thought it was an interesting concept—especially since i too love slytherin!percy and strongly subscribe to ofswordsandpens’ headcanons about it—but didn’t give it another thought until i was listening to a video about the cursed child and went: wait, there’s a percabeth hogwarts au that i saw somewhere. and immediately i hunted this down and i’m just in awe? i tore through it. belatedly, i realized that i made a mistake: i didn’t write down my thoughts as i was reading, which is definitely a disservice to you. however, here are a generalized list of things that i loved.

first of all, with hogwarts au’s, there are three main aspects that i look for: plot, characterization, and quality of writing. normally, fics of this size lack one or more of these key factors, but i was astonished to find that the plot is tremendously tight and intriguing (my lip bled from biting it so much because i’ve been stressed to the max), you write these characters with such distinct voices i can easily picture them saying everything—except, of course, now in a little british accent—and your writing flows so well, it feels almost like i’m reading an actual harry potter book, just with percy and co. you also do a masterful job of weaving together aspects of the pjo universe with the established canon of hp.

and there are so many specific things that i love. primarily, the way you write the relationships in this story; not just concerning percabeth (though i will get to that in a minute), but also with each of the interactions between all of the characters. i applaud you for how you handled luke/annabeth and rachel/percy, and the friendship among them all is just incredibly well done. i especially love how well you wrote connor and zoë and just, a lot of characters that i don’t often think about when i think of pjo. grover and percy’s friendship especially is heartbreaking, i just. he’s so protective because he loves his friends and holy fuck i also love how you wrote grover in this. but i just adored how you wrote annabeth/percy—the love between them, both platonic in its early stages and the romantic all throughout, was doubly apparent. i ached when they kissed each other’s cheeks, and i inwardly cheered when she kissed him in the locker room. there was just such a natural progression, to me, of their relationship. and man did i dig it. i’m excited (and maybe a little scared) to see where you take their relationship in the future.

boy, this is getting long. sorry. but some more just little quick things: loved the b99 reference, with both of their competitive natures playing out in a similar way to jake and amy’s. i kind of want to go back and see if i can find any other references that i missed because i was just too engaged in the story to catch them. also, zoë’s death killed me all over again, thanks for that. i like how you’re working the kronos plot in, and i can’t wait to see how the Final Battle plays out. what else? oh! professor hestia? beautiful. eventual maybe professor percy? outstanding. percy kissing the top of annabeth’s head? breathtaking. rachel being a quidditch commentator? earth shattering. (truly i cackled when i saw that.) mrs. o’leary being a cat? incredible. how you incorporated percy’s water powers? stunning.

ooh, this exchange was beautiful and had me cackling it was so in-character:

“None of us are dying.” Connor clarifies. “Not you, not me, not Annie, not the rest of us.”

“I might have to dispute that.” Annabeth says, from Percy’s other side. “Call me ‘Annie’ one more time, Stoll, and I’ll kill you myself.”

Connor only grins at her. “Sorry, love. No more ‘Annie’. Can I call you Beth?”

“No.”

“Anna?”

“No.”

okay, so i just finished chapter nine and i am blown away. sorry for how long this comment was, but a fic of this magnitude truly warrants it. i can’t wait to see what happens next.

i leave you with just two words: “holy shit.”

from a different path: 

god, oh my god, am i the only dumb bitch who didn’t get what the prophecy was??

anyway, i stumbled on this fic last year, patiently waiting for its completion, and now that i’ve rediscovered it, i’m so glad i finished it all in one go! i couldn’t imagine the tension of waiting for the next chapter, especially since the tension is so well-crafted!! i hardly noticed the tonal shift even as the story got darker and darker as it led up to the war, and in that way i was reminded of how extremely similar it felt to reading the hp books for the first time! you nailed percy very well i might say, and the awkward-yet-caring relationship he has with his dad. i daresay you gave connor and zoe more characterization than rick riordan himself, and the percabeth you wrote is perfect to the nth degree. i appreciate that you didnt bother with all the love triangle and unrequited feelings nonsense as well.

but i have to say, even as i cried at sally and paul’s wedding, or at dionysus’ quiet mourning for castor, what really struck with me most was the way you handled silena. for that, i have no words. that was a job extremely well done. thank you so much for blessing us with this fic.

from chewbacca (a comment from u!): 

A girl in a bright yellow hooded raincoat stumbles into the cafe on one of the slowest nights James has ever seen. Her coat is dripping all over the floor he’d just cleaned (but it’s fine) and when he leans over the counter he sees that her boots match the coat.

First of all!!! Thats the best opening line in the world and nobody can convince me otherwise. I want to become a publisher just so that if you ever write a book, I’d be able to publish it. ( like omg, what an honor??? )

She looks like sunshine, standing there with the amount of yellow in her wardrobe. Briefly, James wonders if that’s her favorite color. It’s got to be.

Im going to quote this whole fic but I really love these lines? Like, you have this distinct style of writiting that I aim to acheive and you’re literally such a rolemodel!!! These are my favorite kind of fics to read. Funny story but I was going through a ‘no thanks Jily’ mood (  a horror, i know !! ) but your fics are just,,,,exceptions? You could write about trash and I’d love it and ask for you to sign me up.

 “Say it again, but convincingly this time.”

ooof this dialogue??? let me breathe

This is the longest he’s stood still since he started working. It’s actually a miracle.

and the funniest person award goes to YOU. also, the most talented and cutest but thats neither here nor there.

james taking care of fleamont, switching off the lights gives me just a nice and realistic vibe? its so simple but i love how you added it.

honestly at this point, ive been sucked again by the fanfic. it feels less like a fic and more like a masterpiece that belongs in a museum but anyway.

“James is supposed to be helping.

James is on his phone.”

ugh i love ur mind. im rereading and its so nice and lovely. even if its like 1am and im exhausted, this fic is sustaining me.

“Do it off the clock, would you?”

PEAK HUMOR

have i mentioned how much i love that scene with euphemia? she seems like such a lovely mom. i love ur euphemia the most. and ahh, both of them just rushing to the hospital ? another 100% good scene.

“Euphemia smiles too, but looks at Fleamont rather than at her son. “Yes,” she says. “It really does.””

fic? or shakspeare? HMMM

A girl in a bright yellow hooded raincoat stumbles into the cafe on one of the slowest nights James has ever seen // “Get fucked.”

the fic!! has made a circle!!! i love how it begins and ends along the same lines. I really want to know how??? are you so talented im in love.

i just really love this fic, okay? i love how james is just the kindest, lily is allowed to have feelings, its just so soft and warm. and it makes someone feel loved, want love anyway.

the dynamic between the characters are just so real and great and im astounded, in short.

your sirius is everything. so many fics potray him as a dick??? which is first of all #rude and also, not at all true. you made me love these characters even more so i sincerely hope you never stop writing.

you’re such a beautiful writer and the way you string words together is just poetic and gorgeous and all the other good adjectives you can think of. i read your spiderman x reader too and i was a goner for you. EVERYTHING YOU WRITE IS SO GOOD. i read it so long ago but i can vividly remember peter whipping the mask off and she just going wtf stop on the window ledge. what im trying to say is that you leave this lasting impression on people that make them remember random scenes and words / prose long after they’ve read it which is a remarkable feat, i believe.

and im so sorry im not on tumblr rn bc i cannot keep recing this fic but i have told my friends about your writing and they loved it too. you’ve got like a million fans. when i do get back from my hiatus, im going to keep recing your fics and people will cry because their universe will shift thanks to the newfound joy of your presence in their life.

lastly, im more of a dog person and that, more than anything, should tell you how much i love this fic. i love u. and basee on your writing, i want to hug you, be your best friend and make you cookies bc again

WOW

[harryedpotter1]

13th December 1996

“hey”

“Fred? What are you doin-”

“Shh. Quick. Come. Grab a jacket”

I look at my night stand and see the clock. It’s 1am. Why on earth is Fred Weasley waking me up at this time of day? Especially today. I hate today. Well I’m actually thinking I’m starting to hate all the days since Harry died. But today is probably my most dreaded day.

“ Are you coming or not” He whispered

I roll my eyes and grab my glasses. I can barely see anything since it’s so dark in this room. But I see Fred and I can tell by the way he’s looking at me that he wants me to hurry up so I quickly grab the first jacket I see without much thought to it.

“Can you be any more louder” he loudly whispered

The stairs keep creaking and we have probably more than 10 steps to go down.

“Shut up, it’s not me. It’s the bloody stairs”

He chuckles, I hate these fucking stairs. It’s so loud but eventually we make it to the living room.

“ Finally. I thought we would never make it down here from how slowly you were walking”

“ Shut up”

I look around it’s still pretty dark, but I follow Fred who I am assuming is going towards the door.

“Mrow!”

“Bloody hell! You stupid cat!”

I have to stop myself from laughing

“ Did you just step on Crookshanks?” I say

But I couldn’t hold it anymore, I burst out laughing. That poor cat.

“Shut it, before we get caught.”

I just continue to laugh

“ Come on let's go”

He grabs my hand and pulls me out the door with him.

And I’m hit with the switch of a warm house to bitter cold air

Which is usually hated by me.

But today it’s kind of refreshing.

Kind of freeing.

Makes me feel something again.

“So where are we headed to?”

“ Just follow me”

And we begin to walk towards town. It’s a pretty silent walk but not like an awkward silence. Like a comfortable silence.

Before we take a turn towards town, Fred goes the opposite way towards an empty field. I’m confused, where are we going?

“Come, it's okay. I just need to show you something”

He puts his hand in front of me and so I grab it

And we walk further into the field.

Until we eventually are right in the middle of it.

And he hasn’t let go of my hand.

It’s making me feel warm, and not in a bad way.

In a way that makes me feel safe.

“So are we gonna just stand here or? “ I finally break the silence

He smiles

“Just wait”

“I mean like it's really cold here Fred and if you wanted me outside, we could have done that outside the burrow. You know where we’re safe and where there isn’t a wild anima-”

And I’m cut off by a crackling coming from the sky.

There’s fireworks.

Why is there fir-?

“You always loved fireworks when we were kids”

Oh. He remembered that?

“ And I know today is your mother’s birthday”

Oh

“And I know you hate today because she should be alive, she deserves to be alive. But sometimes life is unfair like that. And I don’t want you to hate this day anymore because it shouldn't be hated. Because today your mother was born and yea I don’t know her but I bet she was amazing because she helped create my favorite person and I know…”

He’s rambling. And he’s probably rambling because I’m being quiet. Too quiet. So I do the only thing I can physically do because for some reason I can’t think of any words.

I kissed him.

“ Thank you” I whisper against his lips

I put my attention back to the sky and just silently watched the fireworks.

And We’re still holding hands

“How old would she have been?”

“ 34 “ I whisper

And He squeezes my hands three times.

And we continued to watch the fireworks

………..

8th May 1978

I look down at her

And I just know that she will change the world

……….

13th December 1996

She’s wearing my jacket

My favorite jacket

The one I lost for two months

The one I yelled at George for stealing

But I don’t tell her that

She looks better in it anyways.

……….

[101scenes]

Wanna One Kang Daniel - Latte Art

✽ suggested by: anon

✽ featuring: kang daniel

✽ genre: fluff

✽ word count: 1,589 words

✽ summary: latte art was your specialty. with your steady hands and being in core arts, you couldn’t help to send a tiny message over to the guy you liked with it. your eyes widened as you heard these words over the counter, “so, who drew a heart in my latte?”

as everyone knew, the third year of high school always included taking on lots of leadership roles

some may be captains of their various sports teams, or even club presidents and class representatives

but after months of strenuous application worksheets and nerve-wrecking interviews, you managed to clinch a spot in the student council, as the student council treasurer

though it wasn’t as high of a position you had hoped, you still appreciated the position

yeah it was better than nothing

you then later found out your student council executive committee consisted of you, the treasurer, ong seongwoo, the secretary, kim jiwon, vice president, and kang daniel, the student council president

yall were like a band of brothers and sisters bahah

seongwoo was the joker, daniel usually stayed quiet, while jiwon was like the mom

but seongwoo really can bring out the life in daniel

something about him intimidates you, maybe it was the fact that he was the student council president, a higher position and of higher authority

even though you two were from the same classes, both of you never talked much, only during meetings and discussions

your relationship with him was just a bit more distant than the others

back in your home life, your family was of a lower socio-economic status, so you basically had to work as well, but as a part-timer

out of all the jobs you had to pursue, it had to be a server/cook in a cat café in your neighbourhood

you worked on tuesday, thursday and friday after school

so your schedule was quite packed

either way, you still pressed on and did what you had to do

one week, you were clocking in at 3pm after school

“hey, y/n!” juyeon cooed

you waved back in response

she was your middle school friend that unfortunately went to a different high school

but despite that, you two managed to stay as close friends

tying on your cat-apron and fitting on your cat ears in the employees room, you looked in your locker mirror

looking back at the reflection of yourself, you cringed

even after a year of working in the same establishment, you still cannot stand the fact that you were supposed to serve your customers in that getup

taking a slow deep breath, you walked back out to the kitchen to get ready for any orders

just as an order for a warm lava cake came up, the bell to the door jingled, signalling the presence of a customer

minding your own business, you placed the pre-made lava cake into the oven before winding up the temperature

“good afternoon sir! how long would you like to stay here for?” juyeon asked, with the same cheerful tone she always had

you really admired how natural she is at greeting customers and making them feel welcomed

she was the type of girl that really belonged here, a cute girl with a bubbly personality

“um, i would like to stay for 2 hours please,”

wait what?

that voice..

seems all too familiar

you peeked around the corner, only to see kang daniel, along with ong seongwoo, standing at the counter

ong was already peeking into the main café were all the cats were, meowing at them and some of our cats meowing back

at that exact moment, daniel made eye contact with you, the random eyes with cat ears peering around the corner

you ducked back behind the wall

your face immediately flushed red

your reputation is literally at stake here

what will happen if the whole school knew, the student council treasurer, one of the four highest student powers in the school, is working at some cutesy café?

but it was daniel and seongwoo, it’s not like they would spread the word right?

you gripped your heart as you sank down onto the floor of the kitchen

“hey y/n, is the lava cake done-”

ding!

you gathered yourself back together, smoothening out your waist apron

“yep, yep just about done,” you said, scurrying to the oven

“girl, are you okay? you look a little pale,” juyeon said, mixing up our signature pink and purple concoction to serve to the 2 new customers

“mhm,” 

just about when you were finishing garnishing the plate of lava cake with flowers and a blob of vanilla ice cream, juyeon pushed the 2 mason jars filled with drinks beside you

“bring this out to the 2 boys over there for me, will you? they are lowkey cute tho, especially the blonde one,” she said as she nudged you, referring to daniel

before you could even respond, juyeon already glided off, tending to the next customer at the cashier

your heart skipped a beat

now i have to serve them? great, my dignity would be down the drain by the end of todays shift

picking up the lava cake first, you swiftly tried to avoid seongwoo and daniel’s eye contact as you tried to serve the customer who requested for that plate of dessert

when you walked past their table on the way back, you heard seongwoo say,

“theres no way in hell,”

you prayed to everything holy that he wasn’t referring to you

you picked up the 2 drinks that were located at the serving counter

while approaching them, you just prayed

please do not notice me, please do not notice me, please do not notice me

you just chanted your way there

standing in front of them, you placed the two drinks and coasters onto their table

their heads turned to you

you stopped your internal chanting

“here are your drinks-”

“YO Y/N”

oh i didn’t think WALKING UP TO THEM would work either, y/n

seongwoo exclaimed, wrapping his right arm around your shoulder

you groaned

“please let me live,” you said to seongwoo, before hitting the pair of cat ears on his head

while seongwoo started complaining, you could see daniel, in the corner of your eye, staring at you in awe

he was literally spEECHless at how cute you were

his ears turned a little red too

“sigh okay seongwoo, what would you two like today?”

“can you meow for us?” seongwoo teased, plastering a cheeky smile on his face

you just stared at him in unamusement, before directing your attention on daniel

“what would you like?” you asked with a smile, shooting a stern look at seongwoo

daniel was caught off guard and just stuttered 

“um- i would like a, uhh, strawberry shortcake please,” he said, closing the menu and looking away

you recorded down his order diligently and asked the other fool what he wanted

after recording down their orders, you returned back to the kitchen to prepare them

on the way back, juyeon stopped you

“aren’t they cute?? y/n you need to agree with me on this one, they look like idols!!” bahahah

you giggled and nodded, returning to the back to get out their orders, decorating them

using your amazing artistry, you lined the plates with chocolate syrup, adding a little flower to daniels plate before placing the cakes strategically in the middle

once juyeon served them their orders you could hear seongwoo whine about not getting a flower, and daniel smiling really widely, his eyes creasing upwards into crescents

from the little glass window of your kitchen, you could feel your heart flutter as daniel takes a bite of your cake, smiling in delight

you felt your own cheeks burning crimson at any minor yet adorable action he makes

after that, daniel would return more often, usually after school, sometimes without seongwoo

he also matches up his arrivals to your work days

juyeon always makes you serve him, just to watch your trip on your words or turn pink at his small remarks

you would take note of his orders, usually a mini strawberry shortcake with a latte

on his sixth trip to the café, you decided to draw a really detailed heart on the top of the latte with his initials near the bottom

once the drink was served, by juyeon as you were busy with other orders, you took a sneak peek at daniel’s usual seat, which was in a corner

but he wasn’t there

you were quite curious, taking a step closer to the kitchen window to have a better look, making sure your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you

from a distance behind you, you heard daniel’s voice near the counter,

“so, who drew a heart in my latte?”

your heart stopped

“oh, it’s not me~” juyeon said, pointing to you, a girl with cat ears leaning way too close to the kitchen window

you slowly turned your head, to see daniel and juyeon both staring at you

you just smiled and waved

oh god im such an idiot

daniel waves back and returned to his seat

you literally wanted to slap yourself

you shook your head in shame and returned to cooking up the orders

as you turned to the kitchen window, where you would usually place orders, you saw a small pink post-it

you picked up, opening it

“hey y/n, you end your shift at 8 right? i’ll wait,”

-daniel

your heart swelled up

you took a peak at the kitchen window once again, to see daniel cheerfully playing with one of our tabby cats

you couldn’t believe that daniel, who you once thought had such a hard exterior, to have a soft spot for felines

you also didn’t know, that love could bloom in a corner cat café in a neighbourhood; like yours

✽ alrighty i have finally done a daniel scenario!

✽ of course it had to do with cats

✽ literally on the verge of stretching it to a 2part, i stopped myself well because its literally 1am on a school night

✽ suggestions box is open :)

[evelyn-fenton-blog]

Family Fuck ups.

I sit at the desk. I had hoped the palace would make chairs more comfortable than the ones at my own home, but alas any chair sat in for more than four hours is a bad chair. I suppose I should be socializing.

Maya is now my friend, Eloise is my friend, I’m supposed to be seducing Prince Nathaniel. But I want to write. There’s just no inspiration. It’s not like the first time I wrote. Not like the first time I lost.

**************Flashback time***********

It’s almost time for finals, but I couldn’t care less. All I care about is him. My childhood friend, my only friend, my first love, and my boyfriend.

I wait after school for him hiding around a vending machine, using the angles to keep me out of sight. Once he is in my sight I leap hugging him, taking him by surprise.

“I got you!” I cheer. He laughs as we hug. Then he tries to kiss me, though I was still much too young for that. So I pulled away.

The next year we stayed the same.

He aged to 18, I aged to 16. We grew up together, holding hands together, laughing together. Being together.

Then it all stopped.

It started calm.

“This is a really good poem for just Ms. Wallis’ class. Why not enter it in a contest?”

“You know I don’t really want to be a writer.”

“You’re just saying that because I’m a six.”

“It’s not that.”

“If it isn’t how come that is the only time you truly seem yourself? Why do you put in words the things you’d never say? Why do you put writing above even eating at times?”

“I don’t know. Well.. I may love writing but I love you more I just want to be with you!”

“You don’t know what you want Evey! You’re a child!”

“Yes I do I want you! If I’m such a child why are you even with me then?”

***************************************************

I lean back in the seat and look at the time.

One in the morning. It’s time to wake him.

I walk up to the royals hall. I know I shouldn’t be here but I couldn’t send a maid. Then I knock on the door and wait.

“Brooks!” I yell in a hushed voice not wanting to wake anyone.

He groggily opens the door. “What? Evelyn?”

I giggled at his appearance. He was not a very dainty sleeper. “You have bedhead. Anyways, it's time for you to help me with my next book. Get dressed.”

He looked back into his room, presumingly at a clock. “It’s 1am.”

“Yup. This way we won't get in trouble, brains work better at night, and the cold can wake you up.”

He yawns “Fine.” then grabs a sweater and closes the door.

“Where're we going?”

“We're going to escape the palace. I read on a map there's a beach by here. In short we're going exploring.”

“We should tell a guard.”

“That would take the fun out of it. If by some magic they notice we're gone we'll just say you were kind enough to take me on a walk because I couldn't sleep. Just to the gardens.”

“I'm hardly allowed to go anywhere without supervision.”

“Well, you have my supervision. Come on.” I then took his sleeve to slowly drag him along which he doesn't resist.

“Good boy. Nooowwww how do you think we should escape. The beach looks closer to the garden and there's that big woods right by it so I'm guessing there's a weak point there.”

“We are so not going in the woods.”

“And why not?”

“I could be murdered.”

“By a bunny rabbit?”

“By Hooks Heave.”

I laughed, “You'll be fine. If Hooks Heave makes an appearance I'll write in a wolf to maul him.”

“Oh, thank God. I'm so glad I have your writing to rely on regarding my life.”

“You’re very welcome.”

“Are you planning on murdering me?”

“Nope this is not inspiration for Hooks Heave.”

“Damn.”

“Damn? Did you want to die?”

He grinned, “Oh no, I would never be so self deprecating.”

“Somehow I feel like that's sarcasm. Now i'm for sure going to push you into the ocean.”

“Excuse you, I am royalty and I do not take threats like that lightly. Watch yourself, peasant.” He then poked my forehead.

“Right. Dear me, now I may lose my head. All because of some cold salt water.”

“The real world is a cruel, cruel place.”

“Thats an idea for a book. Writing about the crudeness of the world. A woman falls in love with a man only to learn he's a dick then they fight and she finally storms out to leave with their 5 year old daughter. She packs a small suitcase and boards a bus out of town. As the bus leaves a giant octopus comes and crushes the town. Everyone dies but the daughter. The lesson is the world is cruel.”

“Yikes... I see why you need my help. Tsk tsk.” I thought that one was pretty good. Even when you want to escape to a nicer world, the world is not nice and will kill you if you try.

“Well I lost my past inspirations so now I'm just stuck with bad ideas but a good brain. It's a very complicated situation.” I lost him, and I lost her.

“What a tragic time. I don't know about you, but I'm partial to accuracy.”

“Yeah but I don't know what to be accurate about. Even if i took out the octopus the root of that idea sucks. My first book was a love story, the second was a murder mystery, now I need something new but all I have are octopi and hooks heave.”

“Okay, what about a coming of age story?”

“People like those, but that focuses just on one person. I'm not good at that.”

His face brightens, “A challenge!”

I sighed, why’d something I hate so much have to inspire him? “I don't even know where to start with a book like that.”

“Think of a main character.”

“Well I normally base my characters a bit on myself but I can't make it too similar ummm..okay so it's about a young girl, maybe 18. No idea what her name is.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?” I ask but close them.

“Just do it. Okay, what is this character like.”

“Ummm. She's a redhead, she's pretty introverted, she can be a bit aggressive and selfish too but that's because she  raised well. She likes sweets and cats.” Like you but meaner.

“What's her family like?”

“Her mother and father fight a lot. They stay together for financial reasons. For most of her youth she was neglected as they were trying to divorce but finally settled on living separately but staying married. She later had a half-sister who is much younger than her who's raised under the custody of her father who was a much nicer man than her mother as a female.”

“Does she have friends?”

“Not really. She doesn't go out much because she's scared people will hurt her like her parents did.”

“Is there a love interest in her world?”

“No men are horrible.....” A book with a female lead without a female love interest is risky. It might not sell well.

I sigh, “I guess she can have a male for awhile. But I write tragedies so it'll end with them breaking up somehow.”

“She finds herself, huh?”

“Always better to pick yourself over a man. That's the theme of my first book, not the one you were reading.” It’s what I should have done. Instead he forced me to have no choice but myself.

“Ah, but are you writing your first book?”

“Ah no. I wrote that book in 2 days, dont want a mistake like that again.” I wrote it sobbing, with a fever.

He left me. He made me pick writing over him. He broke me. I didn’t leave my home for a month afterwards. I failed all my classes, I was basically a high school dropout. All I had was a box of tissues, my laptop, my cat, and my feelings. I needed to vent it all out somehow. My first book was how.

“Think of what you want again.”

“Right. Book. New book. Book with brooks. Maybe I'll have it end with her picking her career over her boy.”

“Why can't she do both?” Right Brooks is a prince. He has time to do careers as hobbies along with his caste given duty.

“She's a three, her boyfriends a four and wanted to include her in the family. If she stayed with him she'd have to accept eventually becoming a four and no longer being able to be a writer as her career.” Make it a four. Make it seem better. Safer. Less of a risk. That way the idea of her dropping down a caste seems more possible. Instead of falling three.

“So she chooses work over love?”

“Yes. It's the wise choice. It's what will make her money and keep her afloat in a society which she is already disadvantaged in due to her gender. Because of her upbringing she is also taught to have the practical mindset that would lead her to that choice. Also she wants to make her mother happy so obviously there is no other choice for her.” It’s the choice I should have made. I should have left his ass. I should have won our relationship. Been the empowered woman. Not the deer in the headlights.

“What if she breaks past that?”

“She can't she shouldn't give up what she loves for a man. But I can't end it that way either. Even if he wasn't right for her, she's still a person. No one deserves to just live alone like that, without friends or anyone to love. Maybe she should have just settled so she wouldn't have to be alone with only a cat who would die three months later.”

“Stop writing what you're used to.”

“I don't know what else to write.”

“Do something you're not comfortable with.”

“What about a sci-fi book. I hate those so maybe I could make one I like.”

He laughs. What? I thought that was a legitimate idea. “Open your eyes.”

I open them, happy to see Brooks again. “Thank God I'm not blind. I was starting to get tired.”

“Do you have an idea of what you want to do?”

“I want to go swimming. If I go to bed I'll miss the window the brain is most creative in.”

“You should go to bed.”

“Fine. I'll walk back with you so you don't get murdered.”

“I'm so honored.”

“You should be.” I then held my arm out.

“Here you can even link arms with me that way if Hooks comes at you it'll be easier to hide behind me.”

“What if I'm Hooks?”

That stumped me for a moment. “Hmmm then I guess I deserve to be killed for being dumb enough to not notice, then lead you to a secluded area with me.”

“Let's just head back to the palace. And quickly too. I don't want the press getting the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean wrong idea? Plus I doubt there's any press out and about this late.”

“Well, it's a little weird a selected would be walking with me out here. And they're always around.”

“True but I could explain it. Writers always do crazy things. And thats creepy. Maybe I should write about journalists being aliens from hell.”

“Wouldn't be that far off. Luckily, I'm not in the papers very often.”

“Shocking, you don't want to be a drama llama and win all the attention?”

“'Drama llama'?”

“I like the rhyme, kill me. Your sister clearly shows off that even those who aren't the heir can get all the attention they need.”

He frowned and back away from me, unlinking our arms. “Are you talking about Mal?” Fuck.

“A bit? It's not a judgement just a fact that press likes the way she acts so she gets a lot of attention from them. Why does it matter?” shit.

“It sounds like you're speaking in the negative.” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You can't insult my sister to my face, Evelyn.” God I’m a moron.

“Right. Maybe I should not talk about your sisters at all, doesn't seem to go well.”

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn't.” We walked in silence. Great Evey, you are a master of conversation. Insult his sister to his face.

“I trust you can make it to your room from here.”

I apologize once more and leave. It seems everytime we talk I ruin it. 

[chelsorz07]

i guess i’ll go home now

Yeah. Listening to Remembering Sunday while I read surveys from the worst year of my life. I’m not crying, you’re crying. 2010/2017

Explain in detail why you kissed the last person you kissed? i liked him at the time. that whole ordeal was a mistake. He was leaving for work.

Tell me the truth, why did you fall in love with your recent ex? the most recent one, i didn't. I haven’t had an ex since the first year I did this. And I never loved him. He was actually pretty gross but I liked his southern accent.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you last talked to? sometimes. Always.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i have no idea...probably a song that was stuck in my head. Don’t know. Forensic Files was on so probably something about that.

Is anyone else in the room with you? negative. Nope. I don’t even see any cats right now. Oh Millie just came down the stairs.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? probably mandi. Um...let me look. Virgin Mobile customer service. 

How do you feel right now? aside from some indigestion, i'm good. Nostalgic, sad, missing home, a little hungry.

Does anyone call you babe? sometimes but not in a romantic way. No.

Would you ever get a tattoo? i have one. if i had the money i'd have several more by now. I have two. Want more. But there’s currently nowhere on my body that doesn’t have psoriasis patches.

What are you most anxious/excited for? nothing really. Buying a house and moving home.

What is your favorite drink? water. Rockstar.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning? i really can't remember that far back. “Why is the tv off?” Turns out the power went out at some point while I was asleep.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? ehh. No. I miss my friends and family, and my home. And I want to have a baby.

What were you doing at 7:00 am? i had pretty much just fallen asleep. Sleeping.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? not enough. Well I was in bed for 8ish hours but I didn’t sleep that whole time. 

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? a couple. which is weird because i never used to let anyone see my cry. hell i'd known dave 2 and a half years before i cried in front of him. and it was usually because of him. go figure. Many. He’s been the cause of it, he’s been there through the really tough stuff, and he’s seen me in a lot of pain physically. I cry pretty much all the time.

What's something you do when you're mad? sing. ignore people.   Go to bed or watch Youtube.

Have you ever had someone sing to you? yes. Sure.

What's on your mind? chest pain. 2007, because I’m listening to the Spill Canvas.

Have you done something bad today? probably. I bought Sheetz after work even though I have food I could’ve made here.

Are you jealous of someone right now? no. Everyone who gets to be near the people they care about.

What makes you happy most of the time? music. Music and Youtube.

Do you have any siblings? two sisters. Two sisters, two brothers-in-law, and two sisters-in-law. I include them because I’m closer to them than I am to my own family.

What are/were you doing at 12 this afternoon? watching tv, waiting for the bills game to come on. Sleeping.

Do you get distracted easily? often. Very.

On a scale of 1-10, what's the worst heartbreak you've had? if you'd asked me that any other day in the last 5 months i'd say there's no way that much pain could be measured. i'm starting to let go of it though. it's time to move on. 136. But it worked out. We’re married now.

How far away is the last person you kissed? seven hundred miles. 300ish miles I’d guess. Oh I just looked it up. 335 miles. 

Describe the best hug you've ever gotten? the best? i really don't know. I’ve gotten some good ones. Can’t narrow it down.

How much do you daydream? probably every day. Ehh I don’t really keep track.

Have you ever had a really stupid dream, and woke up like wtf? all the time. Nightly?

How's your hair today? messy but clean. Clean and in a bun. it looks alright. Didn’t have time to do anything but dry my bangs and put it up.

When's the last time you had a bloody nose? like, never. Never.

Have you ever thought you were gonna die? not literally. Yeah, January 2016 when I literally almost died in a snowstorm.

Can you sleep in jeans? yeah. i usually do. If I dozed off on the couch maybe but I couldn’t wear them to bed.

How many people of the same gender live in your house? three females, one male. If my cats count, three of each. If they don’t, just one of each. Dave and me.

Do you have any piercings? ears. Nope.

Have any tattoos? you pretty much asked me this already. A Goo Goo Dolls one on my right wrist and a Paramore one on my left forearm.

What is the closest item that is blue? dots on my sheets. Game Fuel.

Is the room you are in messy? very. Every room in my house is messy because I don’t clean.

Are you eating? nope. had some nachos a few minutes ago. There’s nothing here that I want.

Are you drinking? no. Game Fuel.

Can you swim? no. Nope.

Have you ever flown? no way in hell. I’mma keep that answer.

What is your favorite color? green. Green, black, grey, plaid.

Are you wearing anything that color? not currently. I have on a black bra, shirt, and jacket. 

What color is your skin? used to be tan. all that's gone. Pasty ass white girl.

Are you happy? i'd like to be. Not really.

HAVE YOU EVER?:

Kissed in the rain? yes. Apparently. I don’t remember it.

Had a night you just can't forget? many. On both fronts: some I never want to forget and some I wish I could.

Dated someone more than once? yeah. Yup.

Been in love? i was. and it was real. and a part of me will always love him. but it's over in every other sense of the word. Still am.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? sure. Pretty much every day.

Cried yourself to sleep? countless times. I mean it’s been a few weeks but it happens pretty often.

Had a dream about marrying someone? several. weird ones. I guess.

Without looking at a clock, what time do you think it is? midnight. cuz the show i'm watching is going off. Idk 1am-ish?

Okay, now look.. what time is it actually? 11:59. 12:47.

Reach out straight with your left hand, what is the first thing you touch? the computer. Same.

What are you sitting on right now? bed. Recliner.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? i'm hoping i can get a breast reduction. I’ve come to accept my giant boobs. They are pretty heavy though. Could I get some lipo instead?

Did you play with shaving cream when you were a kid? i don't think so. I don’t recall.

How big is your bed? full. Queen. I’m a grown-up now.

Do you like the smell of Axe? NO. Depends. When Dave uses the spray it makes me gag. But I like the body wash in the same flavor. And I use Axe Phoenix deodorant.

Do you lack common sense? i have more common sense than most people. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who doesn’t lack common sense.

Pick four places you wanna go in your life: four? ohhh...nashville. atlanta. boston. and santorini, greece. I have since been to Nashville and Atlanta, just as an update. Four new ones? Um...back to Nashville lol...Texas, Louisiana, and different parts of Georgia.

[mcrmadness]

I still haven’t gone to sleep and it’s already 9am. But I went to sleep at 9am yesterday too so what is new anyway... I also still smell the smell of smoke in my nose and I’m slowly getting used to it even tho I feel like I’m standing in a cloud of smoke and need to get away, but I can’t because there’s actually nothing smelling like that. I googled things and I’m slightly afraid of going to sleep because of the things I can find with google and I have health anxiety. I was already hopeful that it’d be migraine because I read that some people have “phantom smells” as the aura symptom for migraine and I’ve never had that but this odor of smoke is just so strong. I’m also having PMS which makes my nose work differently anyway, cats’ treats smelled like strawberries today. So I was almost cheering up today when I thought I was going to have migraine attack but didn’t have it after all. And this is the first time I actually wish for migraine because I want this phantom smell to be migraine and nothing serious, and I want it gone, and migraine might make it disappear. But this is really making me so exhausted and to have mild sensory overload and sometimes I find it even hard to breathe because my brains think I’m breathing in smoke. (At my parents’ house it smelled like cigarette smoke again, at my home just like burn trash smoke.) But yeah, whenever my health anxiety strikes, I often can’t go to sleep and I try to do something that I could fall asleep meanwhile doing because the moment of falling asleep in darkness and silence feels really distressing and horrible.

Anyway, I was left with very mixed feelings from my today’s dive into my old Tumblr messages (but got maybe like 10 to show up and now it doesn’t show any of them anymore but I also don’t want to use the ‘delete all messages’ because there’s 500 messages, or so it says, I sometimes can be bit of a hoarder). I don’t necessarily like it because, idk, I feel like getting so focused on old messages, posts, blog posts and diary pages yeets me straight into those years and it can be bit difficult for me to again get the hold of the year I’m living right now. At the same time I love the feeling of diving into those memories but at the same time I hate it because they make me sad and feel as if someone died just because those are MEMORIES that are already quite old, and I can’t feel the time, and I dissociate (derealization/depersonalization) a lot on almost a daily basis.

But I’m also feeling like I’ve been with my own thoughts for too long now. Really feeling like I need to talk with _someone. And not just talk TO someone but with, since I already keep writing on Tumblr and whatnot but when I get no responces, no notes, nothing, I just feel so invisible and it feels like being to a therapy without a therapist. Okay I’m sorry, didn’t mean to call my followers/mutuals as therapists, I know it’s wrong and I’ve been told often about how it makes people feel uncomfortable. It’s just so normal to me, I talk about mental health just like people talk about weather. It’s just a topic along with all the others. Anyway, usually I’m my own therapist tho. I haven’t even been to an actual therapy in months because the corona fucked up everything and neurpsychiatric training meeting was canceled which made me to totally forget about the therapy meeting, and my therapist didn’t even call me that day which was why I was starting to have anxiety because I was no longer sure of anything at all. And since then she has tried to call me a few times but I’m always sleeping* when she calls me and my phone is on mute, and I tried to call her back once but she did not answer nor call back in weeks, and on all of the other days I’m just procrastinating and deciding to try calling her back tomorrow or next week. I also often forget that I should all her and when I finally remember that, it’s already so late because I get up super later too. Or I remember it but want to eat and drink my tea first and then I forget about it again.

*I don’t want to answer to phone from sleep because I hate it when people hear from my voice that I was sleeping because I just feel like people are going to judge me and my life choices. Talking of that, I really, really hate meeting my neighbours at any times. And my neighbour was trying to be friendly to me the other day, talking and asking things, I talked normally but I was so happy of the fact I was wearing sunglasses because it’s so easy to escape behind them. Anyway, she asked if I am coming home at nights because I often move around that time and she found it hilarious thought that I get back home an hour before they have to get up. Like, okay, whatever. But seriously. I’ve so often heard about how my sleeping schedule is stupid, how I should “try to sleep at ‘people’s time’“, how I answer the phone and I can hear from the negative tone when they say “so you’re still sleeping...”, well this is mainly how my dad speaks to me about my sleeping habits, that I’ve got this stuck to my mind and whenever I do something “weird”, I’m constantly trying to come up with excuses for why I’m possibly doing that, other than just because I can. I mean, coming at home at night? Like, that is no one’s fucking business but still the fact someone has noticed me doing so makes me feel so bad. I feel like a failure and I feel like I have no proper answer, I told my neighbour that I’m not working but I do sometimes come home very late and I keep moving around in my flat at night too. But I hate that kind of conversation because I feel like if I say that I’m just at home 24/7 and that just is my sleeping schedule, people would judge me.

And I actually don’t hate anything more than when people do not say aloud what they think but when you can read from their face their true opinion. I hate seeing it because it’s just 10 out of 10 cases when I talk with “adults” or the older generation, they will look disappointed when you say you don’t have the regular sleeping schedule (which is something society has decided being the only good one). I just feel so ashamed of it. And I’ve been doing this since I was 15, always at home trying to walk as quietly as possibly so that my parents would not wake up to ask me “are you STILL up???” and I often went to bed right before my dad woke up and I was doing things, reading or writing, and whenever he would move in the living room, I turned off my lights and tried not to make any sounds and pretend sleeping in case he’d notice. He has never been mean, but just the sound of his voice when he so often asked me why aren’t I sleeping yet or have I yet again stayed up the whole night just... I hate that tone in people’s voices. And I’ve been living alone for 5 years and still every time I move here or do something, I imagine my neighbours hearing that and wondering to themselves why is that person still up. And I try to come up with “excuses” that could be true, maybe I was to somewhere, maybe I had long day at work (I don’t work atm), like, who the fuck cares, but still I try to come up with something because I feel like “just for fun” is an answer people will always judge me for. There’s always something wrong with me for wanting to stay up the whole night. Therapists, doctors, everyone always trying to tell how I should fix the sleeping schedule, how 11am is maybe still a liiiiiitle bit too late for getting up, why not e.g. 9am instead? And I’ve so often tried to explain to people what my natural circadian rhythm is and how it keeps moving all the time etc. but people always keep telling me that it’s something we can train our brains to change. But I fucking can’t. I was working for almost 5 years straight and I had to do 7:30 mornings every day (and occassionally 6am mornings) and let me tell you, I never ever felt awake until the clock hit the noon. I was always nearly falling asleep on that chair if I sat there for longer than 15 minutes but when noon happened, I was no longer feeling tired. And I could not go to sleep before midnight or 1am because there just wasn’t enough hours in one day for me to recover from work which is why I used my potential sleeping hours for that. 

And the biggest reason for this annoying me so much is not that I’d hate my own sleeping schedule, I think it’s perfectly fine for me, but the fact that I constantly feel bad for it because if people know, they will judge me and almost always tell me their opinion about it too. And their opinion is often about how I’m faulty and should fix it asap.

[familyvisionis2020]

Day 2 - Knoxville

Somehow the post I made about Knoxville got deleted so this is me trying to remember some of it but this is deficient and I am mad and sad I lost that writing because it was good and heartfelt.

Before we went to bed in Asheville we heard birdsong in the trees at like 1am and I said ‘nightbirds?’ and Jeremy laughed a little. Jeremy and John and me remarked in the morning in Asheville how nice it would be live here. The cool mountain breeze was nice. We left the house we were staying at and headed into town. We went to the mechanic first to try to find out what the problem with the van was. The mechanic looked at it and explained it was our pittman arm and the steering box was shot which was causing the play, and that it could be repaired for about $280, and we confirmed with the van owner from whom we are borrowing the van that they would reimburse us for the repair, so we left the van with them, put on sunglasses, walked past the moog factory and down thes street to the Five Points diner. It was a greasy spoon where they served typical Denny’s fare plus a bonus section of greek and italian entrees in the back. I got a big omelet of spinach and feta, hash browns and grits. It felt so warm and full and substantial to eat those things. Later John would remark that “when your needs are met on tour, they’re met so much more intensely,’ which I agree with. Sleep is precious even thought it’s usually cramped and smelly and uncomfortable, the water bottle and coffee cup and meal feel like real ballast and fuel. I had said this more poetically before I lost the post but whatever. We eat our breakfast and then stroll around town for a bit, visit the bookstore Malaprops downtown where I see more muppet-looking people busking and spanging, flying signs, nodding out, sleeping on benches, the nexus of muppet and homeless is an unclear one for me and I try not to be too judgy.  We meet Kabir’s friend Alex Brown at Malaprops, Kabir buys a book called 1491 which is a precolonial history of the US I think, we walk down town past one plaza and to a park with a bandshell and a stage and a lawn cordoned off because two men are testing the sprinkler system. The soil near the bench where we sit is aerated and I confirm the squat columns of earth littering the ground are soil and not goose shit. We all four sit on a long bench and all cross our legs together and read each of our individual books in this way that was kind of comically synchronized, so much so that Kabir just bent over so we wouldnt look exactly the same. Me and John were on Ursula K Leguin and Kabir on Kingdom Cons by Yuri Herera, a novella, and Jeremy on Capitalist Realism on his kindle. A townie ambles by, he has a deeply asymmetrical hircut with a shock of purple dyed hair on a mostly shaved head, a loud Pittsburh steelers hat, a cane, and that familiar mix of affability and psychosis that seems to characterize a lot of home bums. He sees us all reading and remarks: “I like Shakespeare myself.” Mercifully, he walks on, goes to another group of tourists down the sidewalk and does something that’s not quite heckling and not quite visiting with them. 

We leave, the drive is short, we have had the steering box/pittman arm/linkage repaired and so the play is gone out of the steering but the wheel itself is permanently at 10 o clock and evidently it wants to drift left. Jeremy is driving and negotiating the misalignment expertly, we agree to find a place to get this fixed in Knoxville. On the drive we listen to Blue Smiley, The Durutti Column, Andy Shauf, Frank Zappa, Toro y Moi, Toshifumi Hinata, and best of all we listen to a track called “Style and City’ by Stand High Patrol, which is just an upbeat litany of naming music genres and then naming the city that genre originated, a genius idea, Jeremy said it came on in a club in Brooklyn and the crowd got incredibly loud and everybody loved it. This time around on tour rather than despairing at the poverty of my music knowledge as compared to the expansive encyclopedic aural erudity of the boys in the band, instead I just ask what song is on when I like a song and like it on my Spotify. The other day my friend was asking me where I find out about new music from and I said without thinking ‘I just borrow my music taste from my friends’ which like yes, of course I do. I had this issue for a long time like I must be the originator of my taste, that I must dig in the crates and find the rarest music that no one has ever heard of before, and that I must never be influenced by anyone. Which is dogshit egotism, I’m pleased and relaxed to learn that I can just ask and my bandmates will happily give me a track ID and not think twice of it, and I can take these new songs home with me to enjoy and share. 

We get into Knoxville and there’s a giant JFG sign that looks about a century old and a bizarre system of concrete staircases snaking and zigzagging and carved into a steep hill and I want to go visit them but we end up not visiting them. We get to the house we’re staying at, the people who live there are Royal and Kayla, ‘betrothed’ is how Royal describes his Kayla, they are married. Royal is an architect, exceedingly kind and jubilant and gregarious and gets close to you and involves you in jokes and has a laugh that comes so easy and his jaw kind of jerks in time with his jaw and palate when he laughs, the same sort of motion you see in an opera singer or like Mariah Carey when they are modulating vibrato on big belting sung notes. We hang at the house, Kabir breaks out his big thing of homemade chipotle hummus, we start to feast but Kayla brings out a homemade loaf of sourdough she has and then warms up four thick slices in the cast iron and puts a gentle golden crust on it and serves it to us with a big stick of butter on one of those covered narrow butter plates, and also she brings out sweet bell peppers and cuts them into sections we can dip into the hummus, and she pulls out the drum throne from royal’s kit for me to sit on. She’s a nurse, she’s southern in this special way that treats hospitality like breathing, makes it not hard to accept kindnesses and graces. She gets up after eating to work on her pottery, she has a throwing wheel outside in the garage area and she has lined their stone retaining wall with cups and pots she’s made, I learn later that the plates she served us bread off of were all made by her as well. The life she and Royal have in Knoxville seem so breezy and solid and supported and full and healthy. 

Royal is an architect, the home has a couple little miniature homes and buildings made out of what look like high-grade matchsticks. John recognizes a poster on the wall of a friend’s band. Their dog, Willow, approaches me, I get annoyed and think it’s going to be mean or bark or smell bad or be annoying, but then I’m petting it for an hour, she jumps on the couch beside me and I put her in this kind of hug-headlock and fall asleep with her on the couch, Jeremy, I learn later, has taken a picture of this, I feel really happy he did that, and I ask for the picture from him and I send it to a girl I like in an effort to confirm my putative cuteness and genteel nature. When Royal is home we watch funny videos on youtube on his projector, weird interviews with furries and flat-earthers and then of a guy screaming about something while in the middle of traffic outside Universal Studios in L.A., I try to explain to the guys how there was a meme I saw wherein there is a picture of a cat who is reciting the lyrics of a Kanye song but in a cute speech impediment style where it can’t say Rs: “Pwease Baby No Mo Pawties in Ew Ay” and it is basically impossible to explain and gets no laughs and that’s fine and we move on. Jeremy puts on a Vimeo of this incredible short film he made with the title “Guided Meditation for Increased Kill/Death Ratio,” which is exactly what it sounds like, it’s built in Unity, which is like a framework to design video games in, it looks like a generic FPS with a character holding an assault rifle moving down a long spacy looking corridor lined with metal, and with a very calm amniotic ambient track Jeremy comissioned his friend to make, and Jeremy is doing the voiceover, and the conceit is it’s like a guided mindfulness meditation except instead of reducing anxiety or avoiding panic or grappling with trauma or mending depression or whatever the usual purpose of these meditations are (meditations I do daily, using the app Headspace, btw, which no one here knows as far as i know), instead of that, the purpose is to like reassure the video game player that they are a perfect efficient killing machine. Stuff like ‘focus on the feeling in your HUD, now the feeling in your body armor, now the feeling in your M4A1 carbine, now visualize your next spawn, you are not your avatar, you are pure death’ something along those lines, and it hits hard home for me being a former competitive Counter Strike player and casual Halo and Call of Duty player and now being like mentally ill to whatever extent I am such that I believe I require these meditations. ITs really well executed, the player glides through corridors, clips through the ceiling, encounters nebulas and NPCs and aliens and eventually spirals into space. Jeremy shows the original video that inspired him, same basic thing but in a virtual Costco rather than in a FPS. We move slow, Royal screen prints tee shirts for his band, Tired Frontier, on his living room table as we watch the videos. The plan is to spend tonight and the next three tour dates wth Tired Frontier. We eventually go to the show.

It’s a house show, the name of the place is CBD Castle, above the front door they have a huge cardboard sign that says CBDB’s in the style of CBGB’s and there’s a big porch with a huge couch on it and a guard rail thing that you can sit on or prop your feet on perfectly if you’re slouched way down on the couch. We mingle a little, the show gets started, the opening act is Kind Magic, which it becomes evident is something of a joke band, perfectly suited to a house show, they don’t take themselves too seriously, they mostly have just mustaches, 80s style, one guy has wraparound oakleys, he’s the lead singer, he climbs up on his bass amp at one point. Royal comes in, and people start moshing, gently, just like running into each other, Jeremy does a silly dance and I watch it happen and I want to do it and I have to wait a few songs to get up the courage but eventually I give it up and start spinning around and let myself get bounced around and I am 32 years old and feel just right and not self conscious and silly and afraid how I used to always feel at the metalcore concerts when I was 16 in Ace’s Basement in Greensboro and the moshing was this awful violent masculine chauvanist bullshit thing. This is the opposite. One song, the lead singer, it becomes evident, is chanting “Pogo! Pogo! POGO!” and I think this means pogo mosh but it does not, it means the drummer gets up off his throne and picks up a big pogo stick he has secreted in the corner and starts jumping up and down on it WHILE playing a complex drum pattern on the drums, it is unreal the level of dexterity and coordination this guy has, I learn later that he spends half the year touring with a professional pogo troupe whose gigs are mostly basketball halftime shows, and include a guy named Danger Rus, aka Russel The Muscle. This band rips and is so fun and loosens everybody up and people are drinking and getting kind of sloppy and I plan to be mad and indignant about this but instead I just don’t care and it’s lovely. Next up is us.

We set up, I get to use the backline kit so load in is minimal, just setting up breakables again. We get locked in, Kabir revs us up, we get started, and right from the jump either I pushed the tempo with my count-off or the guys pushed the tempo or we all did most likely, but we are playing louder and faster than last night and I am going in all the way hard on the drums, playing with my whole body, i come down with my right hand on the floor tom so hard my butt bounces up off the throne, I’m surprised but I like that so I keep letting that happen, I head bang as hard as possible, my neck is immediately sore and hurting but the crowd is crazy live, everyone is dancing after a few songs. I manage to thrash the wingnute off the hihat clutch which and try to repair it, flounder, and give up, which all that means is I can’t modulate the hi hat and so our set is just louder and more raw which matches the room anyways. By the last two songs the people are dancing so hard that I give up my usual veneer of grimacing and lasering my eyes to the side or corner to avoid the crowd, instead of grimacing what I do is watch what is happening in the crowd, which is the crowd smiling dancing moshing grooving with us, with me, and I get a huge smile on my face which I can’t hide and I’m so incredibly happy just playing and being heard by these people. We end and Royal rallies the crowd and they chant ONE MORE SONG ONE MORE SONG for like 3 minutes but we just don’t know another one, and so there’s no encore, but how special and lovely to be asked to do one.

Tired Frontier plays and they rock and they have keys by Paul who has a master’s in music theory and currently pursuing a second music masters in production or something. Royal has 10 pedals I think, and a super weird tuning, and they make a big wall of ambient noise between the keys from Paul and the feedback from Royal’s “stack,” which is his guitar running through a Fender guitar combo for an amp and with a Fender bass combo for effects. Their set is a little longer and the vocals don’t come through that clear and they don’t give super clear definitions to the start and end of their songs so the set may have been 4 or 7 songs. They finish, and I am so starving hungry I get the keys from Kabir and go to the van and eat about a half a jar of peanut butter and an apple and then go lay on the big white couch outside and just doze, super tired. It starts raining sheets and we learn from somebody that Knoxville’s adjacency to the mountains makes it a temperate rain forest and it rains almost every day. It’s warm and breezy and perfect. Me Kabir and John go get taco bell, the best taco bell in town, I just order the same thing as Kabir rather than taking a million years to choose and that works out great, two spicy potato soft tacos, and we just sit in the parking lot and wolf and chomp. The parking lot is sparkling, spotless, a big street sweeper truck is skrrting around finishing the job, someone who I imagine is on opiates walks very very slowly up to our van and then walks away. Someone is asleep outside near a building in the strip mall. Some car drives up and maybe drops off food or clothes. We go back to CBDB’s Jeremy is involved in a dance party there, Paul is choosing tunes based off what he calls ‘forgotten hits from the 80s.’ We eventually go back to Royal’s I fall asleep almost immediately on the couch. 

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....

[weerentheworld]

Q & A

Favorite parts?

Food, bamboo forest, the stumbled-upon lantern festival in Hiroshima, cat cafe, yukata dress up, onsen, fushimi inari, giant carp flags, food! Seriously- the food in Japan is AMAZING! Not only are things super fresh and clean- but the standard of quality if so hight that it’s hard to find a bad meal. Plus I got lucky more than once and just happened to find some really good dishes.

Least favorite part?

Contiki logistics & Sickness. While getting sick is never fun, most of the issues I ran into seemed to be a result of going with Contiki. I did feel that the division of time was not communicated well in Tokyo especially in regards to the fish market- which was frustrating as it didn't seem to be the same as the online itinerary. And not being able to start our free day in Tokyo until 10/11 was very limiting in terms of what I could visit on that day. It was also frustrating that this Contiki had us signing up for excursions so far in advance (apparently this was usual for Japan but not for Contiki). I would have liked have had the option to bow out of the final meal, as I was getting a bit tired of the group by then, but I’d already paid for it… I also was not personally fond of the bar foods- too greasy.

How was it traveling with Contiki?

Above drawbacks aside, overall Contiki’s japan unlimited is a really good tour! The local guide while very nice was a bit hard to understand, but that's the luck of the draw. Some of the add-on experiences (dressing up in a Kimono) were really awesome, but some of the dinners had food that were of a quality that would have been great anywhere else, but was a little disappointing for japan.  If I could do it again I'd skip the sake factory tour- SUPER boring. Also all the hotels on this tour are super nice (especially the one in Takayama & Hakone), but if you aren't okay with the majority of your money going to accommodations, you may want to look at other tour companies.  It was different from other Contikis in that: you spend more time on trains than a bus, roommates are assigned and set for the entire trip, and there's little to no chance to do laundry. Ultimately I had an outstanding time, but the country was what MADE this trip, not traveling with contiki.

Why did you travel with Contiki? (as opposed to other tour companies or going solo?)

I knew I wanted to travel with a company because:

It means having someone else to handle the logistics of getting from A to B (I felt like I could handle this, especially in a country like japan where the transport is streamlined, but I just don’t like having to do so that much…)

I like having the historical/cultural context provided by group tours. 

Since this was my first time visiting I knew I wanted to be able to see and do as much as possible, and I feel like group tours are really good at giving someone a sort of sample platter of visiting.

As far as choosing which tour company:

First thing I did was look at which tours were a) at least roughly in my budget, and b) when to the main places I felt like I HAD to see when visiting. The second thing I looked at was dates, and as it happened, Contiki was the only company that had tour dates which allowed me to maximise my vation time; ie add another four days at the end of the tour, as opposed to having to fly straight back. That made the decision pretty easy.

Dates aside though, I did consider a number of travel companies for this trip, and in the process of doing so I found a really great breakdown of some of the major tour companies by globotreks:

There’s also an article by Nomadic Mat which examines Contiki

Or check out my sister’s blog! She’s been to japan twice at the time of writing, once with EF, and once with her BF (sans a group). 

If I get to re-visit I think I would like to do so solo, or at least independent of a tour (though there are some day-tours that look really fun!).

Hotels/Hostels stayed at:

On tour: 

Tokyo- Hotel Grand Palace Tokyo

Hakone- Hakone Yunohana Onsen Hotel (Ryokan)

Takayama- Takayama Green Hotel (My favorite! Check out the onsen here!)

http://www.takayama-gh.com.e.sk.hp.transer.com/spa/index.html

Hiroshima- Hotel New Hiroden (The cheapest hotel on the tour, still 3 stars)

Kyoto- New Miyako Hotel

Wakayama- Henjoko in Wakayama

Osaka- Hotel Monterey Grasmere

Solo:

Kyoto- Mosaic Hostel Kyoto.

Very nice capsule-style hostel. Good location, but if you’re booking the women-only dorm be aware that unlike the large group dorm the luggage area is inside the room.

Osaka- Guesthouse U-En

The hostel itself was nice, but I was a little disappointed by the location on two fronts. A) It was a just far enough from the main sights to be annoying, B) but I booked this hostel KNOWING it was away from the sites because reviews said it was quieter- only to find out it was on a bar-street. It still wasn’t too loud, but there was still a fair amount of street noise at 1am, and the window for my bed was RIGHT next to a street-light.

Things I wish I’d packed

Travel tissues x 2 - I actually had a pack of these, I just used them up early into the trip...

Any just in case medicines you prefer/are likely to need- for example, I have sinus issue a lot, so I need to just start bringing packs of sudafed. I don’t always need it, but if I do, and don’t have it the cost and time it takes to try and find the local equivalent is a pain. (Maybe for you it’s an allergy medication, or a headache medication that you wouldn’t want to be caught without). That said- when packing always check to see if the medication you’re bringing to a country is legal there. If you’re not sure/if it doesn’t say it is illegal, most customs likely won’t care if it’s only a small just-in-case dosage, i.e. don’t bring more that you need and/or are willing to throw away.

A small thing of disinfectant/Neosporin

About 1.5 less the amount of clothing I packed.

Thing I packed I was glad I had

A carry-on sized collapsible duffle is one of the best things ever, especially for a location where you know you’re going to shop!

App-shout out

Kyoto rail app- as mentioned I had a really hard time finding a good map of the rail system in Kyoto. This one did a great job- absolutely worth the $5.

Regional highlights:

Tokyo- Cat cafes (while not necessarily better in Tokyo, due to the size and nature of the city this was where I found the most of them), Meiji Jingu Shrine, Nakamise street

Hakone - Onsen, Ryokan, Mt. Fuji (though not necessarily the Fuji visitor center), Matsumoto castle

Takayma- Onsen, Hida No Sato, old town area, Hida milk.

Hiroshima- Miyajima Island

Kyoto- Fushimi Inari Shrine, Kinkaku-ji Golden Pavilion, Nijo Castle, Philosophy Path, Daigo-ji (Or really any other out of the way shrine/temple), Yukata dress-up

Osaka- Dotonbori, Melon bread (with ice cream)

Arashiyama- Bamboo forest, Yukata dress-up, overall area

Nara- Todaiji temple, Kasuga tausha shrine, deer

Coolest thing I found and couldn’t get a pic of:

It’s a tie between that one really awesome Geish shot I missed, and an interesting quirk of the hotel bathrooms; the mirrors had had something done to them where one spot didn’t fog over, staying clear even during the steamiest showers. Trying to get a pic just made my camera fog up.

Things I wanted to do (but missed), or would like to do next time:

Tokyo disneysea!

Spa world, Osaka, a really neat onsen complex that’s themed with onsen from around the world.  

Hokkaido prefecture (famous for lavender, ice cream, and snow festivals)

Gihbli museum &/or clock

Nikko national park

Visit a kit-kat shop so I can find/see as many of the different flavors as possible

Visit a Tea shop (I so forgot to do this!)

Gotokuji (the Cat shrine)

Dress up in a Meiji-era Hakama outfit

A Food Market- such as Nishiki market, or Kuromon Market.

Visit an aspect of culture museum, ex: swords or bonsai

Tokyo sky tree shopping (didn’t have much chance to check out the various shops- including a whole food hall!)

The Hokone open air museum (I’m not sure how good this is, but I’ve seen pictures that make me curious)

Ginkaku-ji (the silver pavilion)

Japan’s Cat island

Walk along the Nakasendo trail (or another long trail/hike)

A japanese style garden, I saw a few but they were all attached to temples, and not specifically something I could walk through, or had much time to visit.

Attend a Tea ceremony

Visit Minoo Park, Osaka

Ride the Wakayama Electric Railway’s cat train, and see it’s station master.

Visit Hitachi Seaside Park and see the flowers

Check out Mori style clothing

See the buildings of historic shirakawago

Eat all the Ice cream flavors

Visit on of the smaller Islands, or one of the areas with more of an ‘island’ culture- ex okinawa

Take time to really check out a food hall or depachika.

Eat at a Dessert buffet

Attend a (summer(?)) festival as manga/anime taught me to think of it- where there’s a bunch of people and different stalls set up at night, and most people are wearing yukata, prefrably with fireworks.

Experiance the little things that make each season so disctinct in Japan, Ex: the diffrent flowers, and foods.

...and there’s probably plenty more I don’t know about!

Where’d I learn stuff?

As mentioned I kinda ended up writing my own mini guidebook for this trip. While I’m not suggesting it’s sane enough for everyone do so, here are the two most useful sites I used should you be interested in doing research of your own:

http://www.japan-guide.com/

http://www.japan-talk.com/jt/new/japan

Additional notes

It’s probably not a surprise that living (or at least visiting a location) overseas for an extended period of time is on my bucket-list. Japan is very much near to top of potential locations for such an endeavor. While it’s not a cheap country, it was less expensive that I feared (even with my shopping habit!), and there’s so much to see that I very much feel like I could easily spend a year exploring the country! Moreover, Japan’s reverent approach to the different seasons makes me feel like visiting in the summer would not be the same as visiting in the fall, adding an additional layer of experience to the location.

Hopefully I’ll have the chance to re-visit and confirm this idea for myself!