#i think its more bc its usually a way to be like 'arent i progressive. i say the writers hate women' but like. ??

[hostilemuppet]

Congrats on finishing Trollstopia! What are your final impressions?

okay, closing thoughts, none of which are particularly "clean" or "organised" or whatever but theyre what i think

so many of the morals were either nonsensical (keep it up) had good intentions but fumbled the execution (race to the crest) or outright harmful (potluck poppy). the show is at its best when you treat it like a sitcom, and not a cartoon that was teaching kids that other cultures foods are icky and undeserving of respect if they arent exactly like their own

it was so. so sorely felt that they were forced to have a song in EVERY episode instead of every other episode. dont get me wrong, some of them were good! (off the top of my head, i like "make some noise" and "a song so sweet" (synth has a really nice singing voice and they shouldve let him use it more!) and all of dantes ones were really funny bc they were usually silly lyrics on top of real life classical pieces) but most of them were........ well. forced. i hope in the tbt cartoon they go back to one song per 2 episodes, so they can make the songs actually DECENT (most of the time)

val started off as a HORRIBLE character, utterly unlikable in every way and it made every episode about her intolerable. she slowly got better though, after s1 it was like the writers realised they made her a terrible person (did they see the reaction to her? WAS there a reaction? did people love her back then?) and they toned her down and slowly made her actually develop as a character in ways none of the others did, and she actually ended up being pretty good! i like how she started mean, then grew to regret how she used to be and wants to be better. its just... yknow. its trollstopia. they fumble the execution sometimes. val did nothing wrong in murray duty, thats a dumb rule

as much as i love holly darlin........ i wish they went in the exact opposite direction for her character. in world tour, country trolls are established as being pretty gloomy (but not complete sad sacks!) so having holly be optimistic and upbeat to the point she rivals (and surpasses!) poppy? it does NOT make her a good representative of her tribe, and for the most part it seems like they forgot country trolls are supposed to be gloomy anyway... but they remembered in "the farmer and the hound"! overall i wish holly was a more subdued, melancholic character. she can still show southern hospitality (actual southern hospitality. not just her SAYING she has southern hospitality. also lonesome flats isnt even in the south of troll kingdom) but she can be a lot more quiet about it. maybe holly can ALSO develop as a character the way val did, and slowly start to show more outward joy as the series progresses, similar to branch getting happier. she and branch could even have been besties, since branch said he liked country music in the movie!

i wish they spread the focus a little more. obviously val and holly were the "main" ambassadors and i fully expected them to get the most focus, but it felt like dante got way more focus than like, the entire funk tribe combined. and to an extent i get it i mean dante is an incredible character and was clearly the crews favourite so it makes sense they used him a lot even if he wasnt the star, but... couldnt it have been spread out more evenly? maybe when you look at like, statistics itd look better but it felt like dante was always at the scene of the crime (it was a lot better in s7 though! perhaps they learned...) and i wish characters like laguna and lownote got a bit more love

and finally: i cant wait for the tbt cartoon. i know none of the main trollstopia characters will be in it and ill miss them dearly but im so excited for whats in store

[majimassqueaktoy]

I have issues with how the ladies in this series get treated I really, really do but every time I see a take that says /every single female character/ in this series is boring or terrible or not interesting I'm just like. Oh. So you have no taste? Okay. That's fine. You're allowed to have bad taste. I'm not trying to explode you with my mind rn I promise. It's chill.

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

wait i also just remembered and wanted to note that the storm thing is sort of how i started realizing that i am closer now to this person than i think ive ever been to anyone?

and like part of it even reflected on me realizing like. sure i was in love but i never really was that close (emotionally or physically too lol 2020) to my ex? ESPECIALLY in comparison to now,,,,,

[usertoxicyaoi]

Can I ask you something? If Bls fetishize gay men, is there really anyway to ethically consume any series at all?

hiiii anon!!!!

oh good question.

ok. so. i think recent bl's, i'd say .... from 2020-ish, maybe even 2018/2019 tbh, have taken that step forward where, they're tryna move away from blantant fetishising, and become more progressive, not just towards gay men, but the asian queer community in general, and anyone who identifies themselves within that community.

that being said, of course there will be instances where queer asian people, including queer asian men, will be fetishised.

i think the biggest example in terms of progression has been in the sheer amount different genres of asian queer shows that are produced, and in addition to that, in the increasing number of people who both behind the cameras and in front of them identify as asian and queer too.

also i feel like the way sex is used in asian queer shows has shifted. yes, of course, there are still instances of rape/non-con/dub-con, but there was a time when sex was Literally Only used within asian queer shows For That Only. now? sex is used to explore dynamics, explore feelings, progress a story, progress a relationship. its treated as a character, in a sense, and given some meaning and substance. also, that includes the whole top/bottom discourse too. like. i think there's just more looseness and freedom to it now? like. yeah, some characters LIKE bottoming, some LIKE topping, some ARE versatile! for example, i call pete from kinnporsche a pillow princess ALL the time, and thats bc he IS. thats with no malice or rudeness or any intent to fetishise him as being all weak and delicate, usually the traits that are associated with "being a bottom", bc he isnt weak or delicate! but during sex, he LIKES being the taker, he likes receiving, and that plays a huuuuge part in his character's development later on in the show.

i'd also say "coming out stories" have recently not been .... THAT heavily used, within recent shows that i have watched? and thats not to say that coming out stories arent important! of course they are. or there's a lesser case of characters having internalised homophobia, filled with shame and self-loathing bc they realise they're queer, in recent shows i have watched. thats not to say they dont question who they are, they do, but they dont hate themselves for being queer. its more a case of exploration. and its so nice to see that for a change? asian queer characters being gentle on themselves, learning to treat themselves with patience and time to navigate their identity. and its so nice to also see asian queer characters for a change who are just, queer! loud and queer!

what i'm trying to say is that they are all stories at the end of the day. and all forms of story telling, from healthy to toxic, from stories of kids in school to students in uni to working adults, from coming out stories to stories that talk about sparking a political revolution, stories that are coming of age or a slice of life, stories that span all types of backgrounds and time periods, should be able to be told. and sometimes they'll have characters that are already so comfortably queer in their own skin and some that aren't, and there'll be some stories that are more tame in terms of how physical they are and like to explore the more emotional nuances of the story and some that like to explore sex in a multitude of ways. there's really no right or wrong in terms of wanting to set out a story and choosing which way to tell it. the scope is so huge.

now. like i said. not every asian queer piece of media will be faultless, and there will be instances of fetishisation. but i also want to look at how far we've come! i've been around watching asian queer media since ... god .... i cant even remember how long, its been that long, and ive seen how far we've come. as an asian queer person myself, it gives me so much pride and joy in seeing that!

and i think, the older and more mature i have gotten, my mindset has changed a lot. now, i like to see stories and media as a whole thing. that, yes, there will be faults and its not going to be perfect. but as someone who can compartmentalise, as a consumer, as an audience member, as an asian queer person, as someone who is watching this as a form of escapism, i'll recognise the faults and the things i'm not fond of, or that dont sit right with me, and put them to one side, and still allow myself to enjoy the rest of the story/media. otherwise, i'll never be able to enjoy anything ever again, if i scrutinise every single little thing and every little detail ethically. like i said, not everything will sit right with me, but i can work with that and say "yeah i didnt like that narrative choice" and put it to a side, and move on. and if its reeeeeeally bugging me, i'll just drop the show. now, some people like doing that (scrutinising every little detail through ethical lenses) and thats their choice in how they view media. but ig i'm not like that? and i can let myself enjoy asian queer stories that are trying to say something, to convey something, as a bigger picture.

and yeah, there will be instances where queer characters in asian media will get fetishised, there will be the whole "husband and wife" and "girls on campus stalking a queer couple" etc etc etc. but i can look at all that and say to myself, yeah, work needs to be done here, whilst also enjoying the rest of the show and what its trying to convey or tell.

so yeah, i do think you can, if as a consumer, you can appreciate the bigger picture whilst also understanding that we've still got some room for progress.

[suspiciouscriossantaaa]

Hey sorry if this is weird but what’s your favourite thing about Lobocorp bc I’ve been thinking about buying it when I get a PC to play it on and honestly nothing sells me on stuff better than hearing somone just ramble about how and why they like a thing, y’know? So… please sell me on it? Because it looks really cute and horrifying and I think I’ll like it but my brain needs that extra push! I hear there’s a magical girl?

Oh i will absolutely infodump the heck outta this game !!!! Warning this will be . A loooong infodump

Theres a LOT to say about lobotomy corporation. From the multi layered narrative, the game mechanics, the player’s personal narrative, and how it all ties the game together. Lobotomy Corporation is, on the surface, a monster management simulator, similar to what you would read on the SCP wiki. You are the manager, and with the help of an Ai named Angela, you help oversee the management of the corporation. The goal is to gather energy fulled by these surreal, otherworldly creatures known as Abnormalities.

The abnormalities are similar to SCPs in the way that you (and your employees you manage) study creatures that are beyond normal human comphrension. You will have to learn how to properly manage, care for, and prevent escape and mass death caused by these abnormalities.

Huge emphasis on mass death and escape.

These creature are all dangerous. Every last one has the potential to cause damage and chaos to your facility(albeit, some waaay less and some significantly more than others). Your employees will need to train their prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance in this unforgiving place. You will have to face intense, challenging decisions in certain situations. An example is as follows:

Your employees are doing buisness as usual, when suddenly…An event occurs that forces your employees to hide in the hallways occur. You’ve dealt with this before. This isn’t anything new. However…you notice something too late. One of the creatures from the event is near the containment unit containing an Aleph(an abnormality in which can be considered stronger than a god. When these escape, even with perfect preparation, its likely that most of your facility will fall). You panic and send your strongest employee to stop it. However, he’s one minute too late. The door opens.

You have released a god which was never meant to be comphrehended by humanity.

In that situation you pause. Do you restart the day? Losing all your progress for that day, but saving the facility? Or do you press forward, risking the life of your favorite employee, and perhaps the whole facility? Even if you do proceed, are the consequences worth it? You could get more energy from this. After all, Lobotomy Corporation is an energy corporation. Do you save the employee, or do as your job tells you? Are the benefits the others gained (like massive stat gains that would, without a doubt, save the lives of the singular employee and the facility as a whole) worth more than the ones who would die from this mistake?

Those are questions that you, and the game itself asks you. And such situation is very, very common for most players. Do you sacrifice one for the benefit of others? Do you save one person at the loss of progress?

And as you continue, you arent the only person whose being asked these questions. Throughout the whole game, these types of things are asked by and to the Sephirah(robots, much like Angela, that help run certain places within the facility). And as you continue forth, more and more pieces unravel in this story. More and more challenges beyond your comphrension emerge and you to ask yourself questions about every single thing that happens within Lobotomy Corporation as you trudge on, hoping for your employees’ safety within this strange place.

And the abnormalities themselves…woo boy theres way too much to say but a lot of it would be spoilers and by god you dont want spoilers (unless you get stuck on some abnormalities i guess AHAJWJWH). The magical girl is in fact an abnormality (part of a trio). Shes a WAW class: the class right below Aleph aka WAWs are extremely dangerous and you must be very, very careful and watchful. Each abnormality has a completely different story, even if some are vauge and so difficult to deal with you want to break your computer in half (LOOKING AT YOU, ALRIUNE). But it all comes together beautifully in words I can’t describe.

Its also an extremely difficult game to the point where if you read how it ends (OBVS SPOILERS) it sounds . well youll see.

Anyways play lobotomy corporation—

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[angeloncewas]

dont wanna make this ask long bc i am tired and dont have the energy to be a well spoken (?) person rn but it probably will be long anyways, so sorry!! but like. as somebody who has hyperfixated on both idubbbz and schlatt (along with a plethora of other problematic content creators, i really know how to fuckn pick em!!) they absolutely foster a dogshit community, at least outside of platforms like tumblr, where like. you cant really avoid fandom culture like you can on twitter or ig, if that makes sense. on here, if you wanna post about your favorite youtuber, whether you tag it or not, other fans will likely see and if you say some bad shit, you will likely get called on it, whereas on ig basically only your followers will see it even if you use a hashtag and on twitter its like if you arent in a subtwt/fandom then you basically dont interact with any subtwt at all unless its an accident, ya know?

so like. i think what im trying to say here is that while ive met a lot of fans of both these creators, especially schlatt, who are great people as far as i can tell, i am also specifically on the fandom side of things and as soon as i step out of that space i realize that a lot of people who watch them are not actually minorities like me and my mutuals who can catch on to satire or who watch their more behind the scenes stuff where you can see them act like a decent person or even call out people for the things they usually joke about which just. fucking sucks. it sucks that, as much as i do believe schlatt is actually a good person (and sort of idubbbz, although i dont really watch him much anymore for a plethora of reasons, mostly related to the fact that i cant stand his jokes anymore even if he is playing a character as he's said before), he also keeps doing terrible fucking things and im really glad his actual friends have been calling him on it recently, especially after that jackbox video (which is a whole other thing on its own bc it literally seemed like nobody wanted to be there basically the entire video?? like as somebody who watched all the jackbox videos before that one, it was really fucking off in that call and the jokes were next level fucking upsetting), but sometimes it's just kinda like. exhausting. bc his community is already fucking bad now, you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that, which would be stupid to do at this point in his career. not really sure where i was going with this tbh, but i thought i would chime in on this discussion as a viewer of mainly schlatt, but also a past idubbbz viewer who is basically a seasoned fucking vet at dealing with shitty fanbases because of him and many other dumb youtube white boys

(also, note on that anisa thing: ian's main fanbase was definitely pissed just bc she does sex work and a lot of them are too fucking young or just too fucking dense i guess to clock the fact that he's putting on an act bc, like i said before, they either dont watch his behind the scenes content, or they do and they kinda just miss those moments between still trying to entertain where he gets genuine. that being said, a lot of people outside of his fanbase were also pissy bc anisa is a less than spectacular lady if you really do your research on her, kind of a bad person but it's not something a lot of people know about, especially since one of the few videos made on it was by fucking creepshow art)

sorry for the rant again, i feel like i do this every other week now and i apologize, you just seem to have the best discourse and i enjoy partaking <3 hope you have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time you're reading this!

—🦷

Thank you for the input (don't mind the rant !) and I hope you have a good rest of your day too <3 For post length, I'll answer under the cut :)

Yeah, I get what you mean (I think ahdsufsd). Fandom as a concept is pretty... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's the kind of thing that I feel like white male Redditors would think of as pussy shit, y'know? Like the Ricegum gang isn't a fucking "fandom" they're a... well, a fandom, but they're not gonna admit to that. So when you step outside of a community like Tumblr (the queerest place on the internet TM) you come into contact with the faces of the fandom you're dealing with and oftentimes they're a lot less like you than you might've thought from the similar interest. It's like going to a Weezer concert and realizing you're surrounded by incels (this is a JOKE).

Satire's a rough topic because some people don't think it should exist at all. Like any words that can be directly interpreted as bigoted or problematic should not be uttered. I disagree with that, I think it's one of the most interesting forms of both social commentary and comedy, but I do see the problem. There are people who watched Filthy Frank (to take an example from that other anon) and didn't know or care what the point of his actions were (I don't know what they were tbh - I never watched him, but it sounds like he's a pretty decent dude) and instead read his jokes as-is. There are thousands upon thousands of people who aren't gonna get satire and that's a problem because if they're already bigoted they're gonna see people like Schlatt and iDubbz and whoever else as truly validating.

(Largely unrelated but yo, is iDubbz still going? Are the views alright? Is the adsense popping? Has he just kept going with Content Cops? I haven't heard about him since the girlfriend thing dropped.)

"you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that"

I think this is what's pertinent when it comes to discussing Schlatt. After the Jackbox video (for me at least, he might've been there before) he put himself at a crossroads. If he'd apologized, said "sorry, I took it too far, that was a mistake" - yeah, plenty of people wouldn't have forgiven him and plenty of bigoted fans of his would've said that the apology was just to placate the snowflakes on Twitter, but to the sort of in-between people it would've shown that he's able to recognize and reconcile his mistakes. He could've transitioned into content that's A) actually good (when I say that the video was bad I don't just mean in terms of racism, I mean it straight up was not entertaining) and B) less "edgy" for the sake of. I wouldn't expect him to go uwu squeaky clean, but he's already reeled in the bad people, so if he really wanted to foster a good, progressive audience, he has to do something significant to show that.

But he didn't.

Maybe for the sake of his career, maybe because he likes those bigoted fans, maybe because he just doesn't get it - I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. I spoke earlier about doing what is right over what is easy and in the case of Schlatt it just feels like he really did take the easy way out. Whoever he is in his personal life doesn't change how he's perceived online and the kinds of people that are idolizing him for it.

(And yeah I saw the video on Anisa when I Googled her to check if they were still dating, but then I saw who it was made by and I was like oh well whatever avhfdfkj)

[urmomification]

SWAG ANOTHER DREAM SMP AU FIC IDEA THAT ILL NEVER WRITE POG

this is a very long post please im so sorry my brain it just

(tw for like slight possession n shit)

(sorry its all jumbled i write all of these in discord to my friend and copy paste them here please if u have questions ask me im always willing to talk abt this shit please it haunts me)

(context: i saw a tiktok abt the hc that both dream and techno are gods of some sort bc theyre mentioned in the tales of the smp by karl a time traveller and my brain just ran w it)

going back to the techno and dream are gods thing right so dream is a vessel for the god dream xd (??? work in progress youll know what im talking about at some point its really funny tho uve def seen clips of it) and he was possessed?? by the god after the server started (when he started going from super friendly with everyone to control/power hungry) when he started sacrificing everything for power so no one could have power over him? that was the god making him do it bc the god was terrified of not being in control since theyd lost it all to techno in their past. thats why we never see dream and techno fight and why we see dream extend help and support to him at times as well as respecting his boundaries and such bc theyre scared of techno (again w the best of 10 duel reference, techno killed the god in a past life which is why the god has been forced to use a human vessel to get anything done on the mortal plane) but when something that powerful spends pretty much any amount of time in something mortal and mundane like a person, the host body starts to change (hence the mask) i like to think that the god would be akin to that of a biblically correct angel?? like the ones w multiple eyes n shit yk so after time things start to happen to normal dreams body he gets extra sets of eyes and he gets taller and overall his body seems just Too Small for whatevers inside of him and thats why he (hc) started wearing the mask in the first place he knew something was wrong w him but he didnt want anyone to know even tho they would most likely help him he was ashamed that he was different in the first place so he started wearing the mask once the other eyes showed up. and i think that the god would talk to dream similarly to how technos voices work yk? except its just the one voice instead of many many small ones. and again with the mask thing when he lost to tommy and they took him in, part of his mask broke to the point where u could see just a bit of the right side of his face but enough to see that it Wasnt Right there were two eyes where there shouldve been one and spots on his cheeks bright enough to resemble stars and where the color of his pupil should have been is just a sickeningly neon green with nothing else behind it. so they let him keep the mask even tho they already know something is wrong but it clearly makes him Very Distressed when asked to remove the mask or told to give it up. blah blah blah god harassing its host bc it got them caught and thrown in a prison and dream goes ever so slightly insane having to share a mind and body with a literal ancient god w a vendetta against everything hes built whos forced him to sacrifice everything he loved and cared for out of fear yk the usual prison shit and then techno comes a long and breaks him out or whatever but on their way back to his house he drops a really cryptic line abt how 'its nice to see an old friend again' and 'i thought i got rid of u for good last time' and dream is just ???? what are u talking about?? weve never been friends and youve never gotten rid of me? what. until techno spins around and just 'im not talking to you im talking to the thing inside u' or whatever and dreams eyes flash some brilliant gold or sumn and boom this is ur fellow god speaking how may i help you and dream xd (that feels so wrong to say but) and techno bond or well ig just talk abt how the past centuries have gone and ig while xd is fronting (??? i think itd kinda be like DID in a sense w multiple people being able to front yk?) dream is in a sort of semi conscious state but still hears everything going on around his own body until hes thrown back into the drivers seat (i think that xd would only be able to front for short periods of time due to the vessel n shit that makes sense right) and hes so confused someone please help him hes just a dude who happened to get possessed by a god someone help him so when they finally get back to technos house he sits dream down and explains the best he can without literally melting dreams brain. which would also play into the 'technoblade never dies' bc hes. literally a god. mortals cant kill him unless they have idk some sort of super weapon idk and blah blah blah xd gets what they want and finally has the ability to leave finally leaving dream literally the shell of a man with no home friends materials or anything with techno to basically take care of him until he reaches some semblance of stability again (which would take ages, realistically (wdym realistically) going from normal, to a god sharing a body with you and speaking in you brain living as a single being together and hearing their thoughts, to back to normal but with all the memories of what you did and what they made you do and also no more god speaking in ur head it would take a hot sec to recover from) so he lives with techno (whos, not to mention, another god) for a while until he can fend for himself again and after a good year or so passes and no one hears from dream they start to look for him and see what happened bc he went from the biggest threat on the server to just. gone. no one knows where he went after whatever he did and they want closure. is he dead?? who knows. so george and sap set out looking for him and decide to ask techno for help since hes good w directions n shit also he was the last person to see dream alive so he might have an idea of where he is and they walk up to his house and knock on his door and techno opens it and just stares at them he knows who they are, dreams talked about them before but hes never met them really so he talks to them, getting through the polite hellos how are yous before sap finally asks 'do you know what happened to dream? no one knows where he went and we just want closure' techno huffs and tells them to wait there he (this is the basement door im using his arctic tundra house in my head) goes down the ladder to the second basement, they can hear him talking to multiple people (ranboo phil dream) but cant tell who everyone is before coming back up the ladder, back to the door. he tells them to wait outside he needs to get something first (its dream hes getting dream) theyre standing out by carls stable when the door creaks open and dream steps out looking around for who the fuck could possibly be looking for them he betrayed everyone and most people thought he was dead who could possibly be here asking for himself and not ranboo or philza and when he steps out, his green hoodie (memento made by ranboo to help him cope w the loss of the voice in his head) catching the morning light off the snow and he was happy and then he saw them standing by the house hed grown to call home at least for now he breaks. he missed them so so much it hurt. he never expected to see them ever again much less them come looking to see him but hes scared he realizes he doesnt know what to say there is nothing to say he fucked them all over he ruined everything and then hes being hugged. they missed him too. they dont forgive him jsut yet but they missed him and thats enough for him right now. the three of them stand there just being in each others presences and techno creaks the door open to make sure they arent trying to kill each other and sighs and leans against the frame smiling. hes happy again and thats the best he can do for him. he invites them all in and offers to explain everything to them to try and ease the blame off of dream bc in all honesty it was his fault but xd made it far far worse that it should have been (a bit late but foot note abt xd i think that they would be an idle god until someone w intense feelings of powerlessness and insecurity like awoke them from their techno induced slumber and inhabited dream to help him fulfill his desires for power and control) and by the time he and dream are finished its late at night and sap and george are ??? so u were possessed by a god who techno killed centuries ago in a duel and it amplified ur feelings of insecurity and ur thirst for control to the point of isolating urself from us and destroying everything everyone cared abt?? also technos an ancient god who lusts for bloodshed but also makes turtle farms in his free time?? are we getting this right????? and techno and dream are just yea thats abt it glad this all made sense then they all go to bed (its a small house dream has a lil shack like ranboos and sap and george somehow slept over there for the night) and in the morning sap and george leave again but promise to come back, they still arent ready to forgive and forget bc even tho it wasnt all his fault his emotions getting away from him is what caused this all in the first place so they do need time to process now that they know he isnt dead and dream continues to live near techno in almost full independence and eventually moves back with his friends even tho many still hate him. hes happy and for now thats enough. another foot note; even after xd leaves his being, he still has the extra eyes, glowy freckles n is xtra tall n shit that cant just be reversed but now that hes himself again these things take their tolls on human bodies so i think hed have something at least similar to arthritis bc of how his bones were literally manipulated bc of how strong ethereal magic or whatever is. so he would still wear the broken mask but he takes it off now and is ok with it being off hes working on getting better now that hes himself again and everyone living w/by techno is helping him with that. also i think that he would get blinks of xd's memories like from when techno was killing them and have sumn like ptsd panic attacks from it and techno feels super guilty abt it but theres literally nothing he can do except apologize and after the first few times dream stopped him from apologizing bc it is his fault but he didnt do it to him so it doesnt matter to dream at least and they live in pretty much harmony until dream finally moves back in w george and sap the end. he also started wearing the mask in the first place bc of the extra eyes but he played it off as being uncomfortable around new people and not wanting them to know what he looked like until he trusted them (bc that literally makes sense irl how funky is that) so sap and george never pushed him and when they caught him without it on on the rare occasion they wouldnt pressure him to leave it off or anything even tho they already knew what he looked like (when they respect ur boundaries </3) they just assumed that it was insecurity (it was but also mans had like 3 eyes so) and just left him alone

[elliot-orion]

1-5! :)

Pretty sure this was from the deep dive asks a while back., sorry for it taking so long! i just didn't have a project to work on, but I do now!! I’ll be answering for the White Lake (temp title) characters, Logan, Nellie, and Charlie.  Thank you so much! 

1. Who are two characters that don’t like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

Logan and Nellie have a bunch of tension at first, honestly. Logan is stubborn, but Nellie is more so, and both want opposite things. They also have a weird initial dynamic of “we were like... friend adjacent in high school, haven't talked to each other since, so we feel like we know the other but we’ve really barely exchanged a few words outside of class projects.” They were both the school weirdos and stuck together out of necessity, not real friendship, even tho both consider the other a friend even tho they really aren’t, so it leads to a lot of ‘i think you are this way but you arent behaving this way, why the hell wont you behave this way??” bc of the other like... placing what they want the other to be like onto them. if that makes even a lick of sense. I guess it all reveals what they want in a friend to the reader, bc they assume the other to be their Ideal Friend since they have nothing to confirm nor deny that. But its more of a ‘what you want versus what you need’ thing. Nellie wants someone who will listen to her and let her protect them without asking questions bc not listening and asking too many questions that nell couldn't answer got her one actual friend killed. Logan wants someone who just accepts his weirdness and doesn't try to push him. But Nell is pushy when she thinks she’s right (and tbh she usually is), and Logan is curious, and its a mess at first. They do put aside their differences tho. Nell is determined as hell and she realized at some point that she needs to work with Logan to keep him safe, and Logan learns that he needs to teach Nell how to accommodate his autism (that he doesn't know is autism because his parents suck) because she has no idea and just thinks he’s being difficult and has to meet her halfway too. Its messy but they work it out and become way way better friends because of it.

2. What do you hope readers will take away from your WIP? Is there an intentional theme (or themes) to the story?

I mean there’s not an intentional theme to it. I definitely want people to be unsettled and a little freaked out, I am intending it to be like... romantic era horror level horror book, if that makes sense. more atmospheric and eerie then ‘im actually going scream I'm so afraid’ horror. But also themes of friendship maybe? idk I haven't decided if there will be romance yet but definitely friendship and found family stuff.

3. What do you love most about your protagonist? (It can be something you’d admire in them if they were real, or something interesting about them as a character.)

Oh jeez. I love how determined Nell is to protect Logan. She doesn't always do it right, because misunderstandings and her idea of safe is different than his idea of happy and she needs to learn that he might be safer with her way but he’d be miserable. She just loves her people so much and she’s determined not to fail again, but its all coming from a place of deep love and I really admire how much she’s willing to put into keeping her family together. For Logan I admire how strong he is honestly. He lives in a really conservative, ableist town with parents who think he's just being difficult when its not his fault he's neurodivergent, but he knows who he is and what he needs and even when Nell is trying to push her beliefs about him onto him he stands strong in who he is. He knows he’s not wrong. He’s just lonely because no one else knows that. Its really admirable in my opinion (maybe because I've never been able to do that with my neurodivergencies and I'm definitely projecting but whateverrrrrrr). He’s also a really good friend, he’s just not given many chances to be that. As for Charlie I just love how happy they are. They try so hard to get Nell and Logan to get along, and they are always smiling even when they are the one who has the most reasons to be miserable (considering they did you know. die horrifically and are now trapped by an eldrich lake)They are always pushing themself to make others happy, even at their own expense, and while its not a trait I admire, it is one that I love in characters because I just love the hurt comfort when they break :3 also they are just fun as hell and I love my little extrovert cinnamon roll (who is way more devious than they seem but thats what happens when you basically grow up and then spend about 130 years with a ghost circus)

4. Is there anything in the story that is implied, but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

A lot of the lake stuff is implied at first, and there's a big misdirect, but it gets cleared up after just a bit so I don't think it counts. Um... idk ok I haven't even written draft one yet so idk what will be implied vs told I'm a pantser I've got about 6 plot point checkpoints and a vague idea of progression here most of this is being bs-ed. Im not even sure yet if I'm making Logan a trans guy or if there will be romance or anyone’s sexualities besides Nellie (who is v much a lesbian) I’ll get back to you on this. Although wait actually - Logan never gets his autism diagnosed, I know that, so that is implied but it's like. heavily implied so you won't have to be super perceptive to figure it out. I’m not doing any -coded stuff, he is, he just lives in a shitty town with no therapists for anyone to talk to. kinda hard to go to a therapist not from town and go ‘yea my best friends are ghosts, my town is actively trying to kill me, sorry im late the road disappeared how are you today?’ you feel? no one in this town gets any goddamn therapy. But its not explicit no. 

5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does this backstory affect the narrative?

Oh man uh... I guess Charlie has the most intricate backstory? definitely, the longest since they did die in the 1890s. In a fire. While they were trapped in a tiny ass box. in the middle of said fire. and burned alive.  .... What i said it was horror didn't i?? Charlie has some SERIOUS claustrophobia my guys. It’s common knowledge to the circus folks how Charlie died, they sorta agree its the worst of them all. Everyone died from the fire but only Charlie was trapped in such a small space unable to get out. They are the contortionist of the circus, it was a combo act with the magician who locked them in this way-too-small box and was going to make them disappear when the fire started and he ran off to help people and forgot them in the box. He’s super apologetic and Charlie only sorta still blames him. Logan and Nellie know that Charlie died in the fire but they don't find out until later exactly how. Idk how much it affects the narrative yet, but it does affect how Charlie interacts with the other circus performers since they tend to be mother hen-y around them, tho that also has to do with, again, charlie basically being raised by the whole crew. they ran away at like 11-12 or so to join, so yea, especially the people who have been there forever tend to view them as their kid in a way. It takes a village after all. But whether it affects the whole story, idk, again haven't started it yet. 

thanks again for the asks, and im sorry it took so long! 

[yyxgin]

as quick as love alarm was progressing compared to other dramas i’ve seen (usually wait ten eps for the first kiss and that’s it) it still seemed,, idk important for the story? n e way.

meteor garden is insanely messy like in the final episode daoming si just mentions everything dong shancai did that makes her so amazing and i honestly forgot they even did some of their things 😳 at one point they went to london and filmed in china town and i was just like ‘oh. i know that place’ and didn’t clock after that 😭

I GOT PEN ON THE BACK OF IT IM SO MAD AT MYSELF ✋✋✋✋✋ but come find me anyway lmao i got a changbin & minho film strip 🤪 can’t have anything nice around here and i learned my lesson the hard way.

i went through a phase when whenever i watched english tv i was like ‘why does this make sense without subs..’ and would be like squinting at the screen until it occurred to me that it was in english.

oh bruh i remember making a bank account the second summer bc my employer was like why tf do you not have a bank account ,, yeesh people had been paying by card for meals and stuff and not cash like the year before. so i made one and then she paid me in cash bc people started paying w cash 😐😑😐😑 i waitress so even though i get anxious about other things, i’m comfortable about waitressing so i am super nice to everyone. i am the designated person who orders for everyone (as long as you point at what you want in case i can’t remember everything i will say it). i know how important it is to be articulated to your server bc if they f up you get mad and they get mad bc ur mad and the chef gets mad bc the server f-ed up and the chef has to cook again and it’s a never ending circle of wishing you’d just gone somewhere else and i hate that. i also get mad at my fam when we go out bc the last time we went out (literally like two years ago now bc covid) there was a guy serving at this place we’re fairly frequent at and i was like maybe he’s training don’t be so mad at him for forgetting things just gently remind him! don’t cuss him out behind his back! there’s so much pressure about not pissing off your colleagues bc there’s a groove they’ve got and you’re just there not wanting to ruin it whilst also meeting customers needs!!

ive been waiting to pass my drivers test for over a year now bc covid has pushed it back and back and back again 😐 i finally get my next test date and i have to ask a different instructor for their car bc my instructor is on annual leave when my test is scheduled. i’m holding it together so i can ask an instructor, buy a car and yeet. the bus is okay but i need my own space sometimes.

i am good w my money im the jungkook of the working class. if there are pots and pans on the go i will take them. free food? count me in. i do have that broke b*tch mindset. although i don’t buy $300 white tshirts i will spend $200 on a day out 😃 and sis,, buy whichever one you like bc of the concept!! it’s always fun seeing the posters (personally i don’t put them up bc how am i gonna have sir johnny suh STARING at me while i get changed,, no THANK YOU) i’ll cry if i ever pull a yuta card bc he looks ✨spicy✨ in all of them.

i think i get what you’re saying about gg’s! boy groups have a wider range. eg, haechan hits those high notes and jeno/mark rap/sing quite low but girl groups can’t. unfortunately i feel like they rely on visuals heavier bc they don’t have the same range bg’s do. itzy are good!! i personally haven’t listen to a lot/watched a lot of their mv’s. i’m more into red velvet for their mv’s. im terrible at watching content so i am slowly working through bts’ content, monsta x’s content and ocassionally nct’s content. im gonna work on mamamoo next 🤞fake fans unite 😔✊✨

it’s so easy to feel invisible here. don’t worry. i’m here to brighten your day! much like a sunflower ~ 🌻

I cant really speak about the importance of the kiss in love alarm since i didnt watch more than the first ep, but i will trust you if you really say so ?? 😳 I WANNA WATCH METEOR GARDEN JUST FOR THE DRAMA DHSNSK

dude dont fucking test me i WILL find your address and i WILL visit you in your sleep and steal all your kpop stuff. MINHO FILM STRIP ??????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

i still watch english things w eng subtitles sometimes bc my first language isn't english so just in case i dont hear something i can always read it you know djsksk

this is my first job so i didnt have to have bank account before but now that i have it i feel very adult😩✋i am so old. i dont like it.

oh no i hate people that arent polite to waitresses like they are just doing their job and its so hard and stressful and i dont want to make their life harder so im just really anxious abt everything in my life ever.

i'm rooting for you on your driving test !! lets hope you make it after such a long time <3

JUNGKOOK OF THE WORKING CLASS NO- thats actually me. also free samples. give me all of them. also i think its completely justified to spend so much on a night out since its for the memories !! #yolo am i right

I AM SO TEMPTED TO ORDER THE ALBUM NOW 😭💔😭 i actually have my posters on my closet and i change inside the actual closet at all times bc me and my brother share a room, so no one's looking at me thankfully haha. well, i do have bts pics on the warderobe next to my bed as well so they watch me sleep every night but we dont talk about that. YUTA CARD i would cry. he for sure does look spicy half the time of his life.

i dont know that many rv songs (the audacity, i know) but seulgi... ah. i watched the sm new years concert and when she appeared i couldnt keep my eyes off her. i should really listen to more of their songs so if u have any recs i am all ears

thank you for brightening up my day sunflower ily mwah😔❤

[foryouthegays]

Idk how to make the break thing on mobile so this is tagged long post & mc lang redesign if yall want to filter that bc im sorry

Ok! So the enchanting table language is called galactic, and it sucks. Its not actually a conlang its more of a cypher thing? Which makes this easier so let me get a pic of this horrendous alphabet

Why is this horrible, you ask? Many, many reasons.

1, none of them have any identifiable meanings. They’re all just random symbols. One thats always bothered me is h. To me, that looks like the wither. Why is on h, then? If they were basing the letters on words that already existed (which is pretty common and a p natural way for written language to progress), shouldnt the symbol for h actually be used for w?

The letters also have a noticable similarity to latin letters, I notice this most in i, w (triple upstroke, triple dots), f, x, u, and y. They aren’t super noticable, but once you see it, it’s difficult to unsee.

2, theyre hard to read from a distance. Many of them look almost exactly the same, which is a common problem but still a problem. The worst letters for this are i & j, z & y, w & u, s & c, f & u, and a few others.

3, the use of dots. Oh, how i hate dots in writing. How many people do you know actually dot all of their i’s & j’s? Not many. Its much, much faster to use one (or two) strokes when writing, and many people who write fast or take notes have a half cursive, half print handwriting, because the concept of not taking ones pencil off the paper is a faster way of writing. Having letters that use a dot is fine, but making that dot necessary and the letter common is,,,a pain. I know that the ë, ö, ä, all of those are letters, but thats only a few letters out of the alphabet.

Galactic? Four of the letters are made of dots (r, w, j, i). Could you imagine trying to write, and having to make dots in the form of a square? Poor enchanters. Many other letters require the use of dots to differentiate different letters, the most notible being n & o, and k & l. The whole alphabet has only 9 letters without a dot, and many of those (4) require one to lift their pencil when writing. Again, having parts of a letter not connect isnt unheard of, but it does make differentiate between letters difficult.

Something that makes the latin alphabet nice is that every (or, almost every) letter has an easy way of seeing how the letter should go. Theres usually a clear path that a pen could take, and many of the letters start on the left and end on the right, making writing much quicker. Galactic doesn’t have that at all. Even ignoring the monstrosity that is r, many of the letters have little to no path. Take a look at h, how is one to write that without backtracking several times? Same with b, its just an awkward shape.

Now, onto the redesign!

A few of these have meanings I think relates to minecraft.

D is meant to look a bit like a head on view of elytra/ dragon wings

E is meant to look like the eye of ender/ endermens eyes, or the elder guardians eye. Lots of eye symbolism in e

G is a ghast tear or a guardian eye, you choose

O is for ocean

P should look like a potion bottle

R is for redstone connecting together/ redstone currents

W is wither. Yes i was salty abt h having this one and put in here just because of that.

These arent all of them, but theyre the ones i remember the most. You’ll notice that a few of them do use dots (k & o) but k is not the most common of letters, and the dot above the o is 1 a feature in many languages (ö) and 2 an easy addition, start the letter at the top, do a clockwise circle, and when unreach the top again, u do the dot. Pretty simple. K is only one dot, not f o u r (looking at you, r), which means that even though it isnt perfect, its what we have and its better than galactic.

I know q & m are similar, but so are u and v in the latin alphabet. Too bad. Live mad about it, they’re different enough

This system is actually pretty easy to write in, most of the letters are easy on the hand (except for e, god i regret making it like that. But its what we have and its not too bad when u get used to it). I also have punctuation and a bit of numbers made for this system, but yea this is long enough.

[yaz-the-spaz]

Hey yaz! I was just wondering your opinion on why you think Liam's mgtm would have him "date" a 17/18 yo. I dont follow m*ya at all and know p nothing abt her except that she is a model (?) and her dad is famous (?). I just feel like its weird they would pick someone a decade younger than him. My friends who arent 1d fans all have bad opinions abt him bc of this so like why do you think she was the choice? I understand publicity for her and stuff but just curious on what you think.

hey! i honestly think they just don’t care that much about the age aspect of it (and probably didn’t even consider the fact that the reaction would be so icky or maybe they did but just didn’t care), i think it’s mainly just the old/usual tried and true PR and Promo for an Up and Coming Model™ gimmick that they’ve done time and again (because they know it works. because they’ve done 867 times now and still the het side of the fandom manages to fall for it every time and swoon their idiotic asses off) and the age gap was just a secondary thing that they were maybe hoping ppl either wouldn’t pay much attention to or wouldn’t care about. apparently they didn’t learn their lesson from the way ppl reacted to him and c and the whole gross pedophilic predator aspect of that whole scenario (w/ the stories of her flirting and preying after liam since he was 14, etc. smdh). but as pretty much everything has shown, 1dhq (or whoever is running shit now) and the entertainment industry in general tends to always be about 42 5-10 years behind when it comes to being cognizant of general public changing sentiments over things. i mean just look at how many shows and movies from within the last couple of years are STILL portraying relationships between adults and underage teenagers and acting like that’s normal and perfectly acceptable (riverdale, pll, shameless, etc.). maybe in the early 2000′s no one was really batting an eye that much (cause it was so normalized on tv/in movies over all these decades that a lot of us didn’t really think too hard about it) but that shit certainly ain’t flying in post-MeToo era and yet...asshats still out here showcasing it. 

and the same with representation i mean shows like glee and modern family were a game-changer for sure but it still took like 5-10 or so years after those shows’ inceptions for the rest of hollywood to get with the program and start putting more queer characters in their shows and movies and just generally engaging in more diverse representation on a whole (as far as race, religion, gender/gender identity, neurodivergence plus-sized, and handi-capable representation, etc. as well). hollywood/the industry in general has always been super slow to change and get on board with the progression of the rest of society, and super reluctant/resistant to change at that. i mean i know all this is only tangentially related but they are largely still fighting the rise of streaming services tooth and nail despite the fact that most of the big ones have existed now for around a decade. i have a friend who works in the music industry who’s talked to me in-depth about how much the big record companies are still remaining super set in their old dinosaur ways and insanely obstinate about changing their business methods in a way that would make much more sense with the direction of the market and the heavy skew towards free streaming because they just refuse to accept that the entire market has changed and is only gonna continue to change. but instead just wanna sit and wallow and try to force ppl to play by their old games in a way that just is not sustainable and very likely only gonna wind up losing them money and business in the long run. and ofc we see the same with politics. 

it’s all just old dinosaurs who can’t let go of the way things used to be and we’re unfortunately seeing that all play out in a weird way with this whole let’s make liam date a teenager bit. whoever came up with it, whether it was her family or 1dhq or both or whoever, is clearly wayyy behind the times when it comes to public sentiment and either did not even foresee/consider all the ways this was gonna be digested in a largely super negative way by the public (and by extension blow back on liam in a super negative way), OR is so fame-hungry/money-hungry and so desperate to get this girl some attention that they just did not care at all how it would look or be received. 

...or both. honestly i’d be very willing to bet it’s a little bit of both lol

anyway short story long the gate-keepers of every major industry in this country (and lbr, the world in general) can’t deal with the fact that their breed and their business models are rapidly going extinct or becoming obsolete. they can try all they want to force their old (gross) ideals and outdated business practices on an unwilling public but the fact of the matter it’s very likely only gonna end up biting them in the ass and having the exact opposite result than what they wanted.

(that or it’s a huge concerted negative campaign against liam that’s going swimmingly lol but that’s way too tinhatty and conspiratorial even for me and i highly doubt they would do all this and expend this much time, effort, and money into something that was purely meant for the purpose of sabotaging liam and nothing more, and that didn’t also in some way guarantee mutually assured gain in the form of promo for m and her family. this is compounded by the fact that liam’s very clearly spent the majority of the last two years being photographed almost exclusively with either her, or shady people in the business and fashion industries that also seemingly happen to have strong ties/connections to her father. that’s not a coincidence. this is clearly largely for her benefit. but - as what i’m sure is a nice bonus for whoever made the other end of the agreement on liam’s behalf - also doubles as a continued opportunity to perpetuate the already highly problematic public image liam has unfortunately been saddled with, as well ofc the usual perpetual bearding and closeting) 

[convervative-blog]

so, ptsd is the only dsm v recognized disorder which is classified as a psychiatric injury and not a congenital, inherited expression (ok blah ignoring that of course many things like bpd are now becoming known as typical complex trauma/abuse responses but thats not what this post is about, marsha linehan was robbed i will fight everybody...anyway...)  alot of ppl really seem to misunderstand what ptsd is. it is an injury to our brains, it is a psychiatric injury which clearly and visibly affects our limbic system, our amygdala, our hippocampus. it literally lights up how we process memories events circumstances. it activates our pons, the area in our brainstem responsible for controlling stress, our “lizard brain”, the part of our brain that instinctively knows when shit is wrong and reacts and slams the 10/10 button before u have time to think. the adrenal system, the part that floods ur body with cortisol, adrenaline, endorphins, epinephrine, your muscles tighten, your pupils dilate, you know you can put your fist through something if you have to, you know you can make a run for that closet and hide in it if you have to, you know you gotta do something because shit is going down motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!  ok so like some ppl with ptsd can be violent. we see this in media portrayals of ptsd all the time, the guy had a gun he was in iraq he went crazy. like thats the normal narrative, and ok within our community we really dont want to discuss how this is real and could be real for people. ok of fucking course that narrative is bullshit because most people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime not perpetrators and we need more positive inclusive healing narratives of ptsd because we want to see representations of ourselves! but this isnt about that because weve seen those posts, weve done the discourse, were doing the discourse, so im gonna talk about something else. something thats gonna piss everybody off so buckle up cowboys yeet haw.  some ppl with ptsd become abusers, thats a fact. because some people cant deal with stress at all, they become hyperreactive and that reaction is fists, yelling, screaming, throwing things, becoming incoherent and nonsensical, etc etc. when your heart reaches 180 bpm (and it does with virtually any indistinguishable environmental or emotional trigger, it absolutely gets that high when your lizard brain takes over), you stop being able to think logically.  part of having ptsd for me was learning that this is me, i dont hit but when little things happen my brain completely sheds the part of my personality that is logical reasonable and calm. my decision-making part, my risk/reward analyzing part, my organizing part. frontal lobe? lol seeya. i immediately become enraged and if i do nothing else ill usually yell/scream at TOP VOLUME and then after about 30 seconds, 60 seconds, when it cools off ill feel bad about it. sometimes when im having a bad day and multiple little things have gone on, ill get progressively worse and storm around swearing and slamming things, simmering, trying trying trying to get it under control, trying to fight through the hormone surge to claw back my reason, my sanity. its something i literally cant control, i have tried my whole life. im not denying responsibility for it of course im responsible for it, but thats reality, its my reality. its my reality that the person i live with has secondary ptsd because of me because of my life because i was a sex trafficking victim from age 8 and i cant deal with dropping a cup of water anymore because of it. my brain is literally damaged, literally, literally, literally.  and i have hurt people because of it. maybe not physically but that doesnt matter. theres a person on this planet who is affected by the things ive done and will always be affected, and there is nothing i can do to fix that, or change it. as long as im alive it will be their reality as my caretaker (because atm im unemployable obviously for those reasons).  and you go to therapy and they say “try writing about your anger,” you know. “try focusing on what makes you angry.” nothing makes me angry its not about that, its not about that at all and it shows a distinct lack of comprehension of what ptsd is. ptsd is your brain being unable to deal with minor, mundane, ordinary stress. and ppl dont grasp what the word stress in neurological contexts means. it means novel, sudden actions. there are even good stressors and bad stressors. sex is a good stressor! lots of action! lots of cognitive shit going on! going on a date, going to a movie, riding a roller coaster, meeting a stranger, being startled accidentally, dropping/breaking things, running out of meds, being late for something. theyre all ordinary things that most ppl can deal with even if its inconvenient. people with ptsd cant. because our brains are conditioned to view every stressor response as a potential trauma.  funny thing is when trauma is actually going down our brains are pretty damn good at entering the fun zone, its that latent logical shit, ya know what i mean. everything gets slow-motion and youre able to shut down your emotions and just act and do the shit that has to be done, just clench up and freeze and let your eyes drift and you’re ready to endure.  when you spend your whole life like that, every little thing becomes something your brain assesses as potentially traumatic, potentially going to harm you, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the telephone ringing unexpectedly or a masked intruder about to rape you. its like the fucking tumblr algorithm. beige tones?????//? ThIs iS nOt My SAfe PLAacE?!!! bam adrenal response. and im not trying to justify abuse, this isnt my attempt to justify it, but it is a real issue that exists for alot of people? probably people who arent involved in our community bc this seems to affect ppl who dont have regular access to online resources proportionately more (there is a link between being well-educated on ptsd and being better able to manage your ptsd, shocker water is wet etc etc, but its not imminently an obvious correlation! i dont hit people or break down the doors specifically because ive devoted my life to learning about and understanding my disorder) but there are people. we dont want to talk about this shit bc its like an open fucking secret, some of us get crazy some of us go fawn-like and become people pleasers, some of us get violent (’violence’ as a word im using to refer to ppl who explode outwardly and impact their environment in some way, not necessarily physical 100% of the time, you dont need to hit someone to be a violent person) anyway just thought id rant about this good luck chiddlers

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gg-astrology]

As a fellow 'I eat out of nutella jars too' I would like to tell u HOW WHOLESOME YOUR BLOG IS uwu. Can I know what you think about my Aqua sun and libra moon? thank/love u bye

ksdjnfksn OOOF thank u so much!!! 💕💕💕 I finished that nutella jar btw, i snacked on it for like 3 hours a tiny bit at a time (it was mostly empty anyways so i was scrapping off the sides skdfndk) 💕

[Below Cut: Aquarius Sun - Libra Moon ♎️ ]

I say this a lot for decans, but these people are one of the most well-balanced one out of their group of friends, internally and externally

Like yeah they have their own Shit too, but in terms of Dealing with their actual problems– people really admire them for it (bc most other people are like, weird with ‘woe is me’ kind of thing or not realizing themselves)

They rarely open up to others surprisingly, tend to have a few good close friends who they do (maybe 1-2 that they trust enough to tell their problems to)

Most of the time they just— if people are concerned about their personal/private shit they kind of just shrugs it off like ‘its cool, well not cool but you know its ok– i’ll deal with it’

Doesn’t want to get messy, for some reason they think venting is being Messy

It’s mostly because ‘venting’ implies letting out feelings that doesn’t do anything productive/go nowhere, like yeah it helps others who needs to do it to move on (mostly their fire sign friends). They understand that, so that’s why they’re there for them (with a tissue and calm soulful eyes to be the ‘stability’ in all this). But when it comes to themselves? It’s like they think they won’t gain anything out of venting their frustration bc ‘emotions arent supposed to work that way’ (if it’s not productive)

Thus why they find themselves being the person other people go to to vent to. Because they’re like ‘shrug, this is taking nothing from me im just here to be support’ they might look to saying yes alright to others. 

People might used to think of them as push-overs, but they’re not. It’s because they know they can offer tolerance, acceptance, understanding and support for others. Coupled with gentle reprimanding/encouragement, their advice are productive. But they do so gently like ‘you know what I mean right? I think it’s both of your problem, not just one of you is wrong. This is your responsibility, not mine.’ 

Aquarius is ruled by Saturn after all, they have a keen eye on their friends. Often pulling them in with a quick ‘do you need help? are you ok?’ offering it privately. If the friend doesn’t want to expose their problems in public, they leave it alone (bc they respect that). If their friend bursts out crying, they reel them in and tell the public that they’re ‘taking them away for a bit to calm down and see what the problem is’

They have tact tho like, they understand personal problem is a private thing. They aren’t going to come back and tell the rest of the world what the problem is because they themselves is a rather private person despite being a public personality. They aren’t of the mindset that sharing the problem with the friend-group/majority is going to help the person in question, unless it’s getting really serious/dire and they really do need outside intervention.    

See, beneath all the romanticism and ‘sigh i wish things like that happen to me’ — they have so much experience with helping others that they may tend to forget about themselves. They forget to delve deeper into their subconscious and the lessons they’ve emotionally picked up for others.

This leads them to maybe  subconsciously denying certain emotions they may also feel, certain things become catalogued as ‘messy’ without them realizing it. They think they don’t have/need to go to others for their problems, mostly because they’re used to being the one people go to for help.

If they lose their ‘stability’ then that would affect the group’s dynamic right? What if others who has proved to be ‘less stable’ than them started breaking down too? The overall mayhem and consciousness of the group emotionality/dynamic is what stops them from reaching out to people or letting others help them. They’re afraid to ‘break’ the type-cast of their strong emotional character (fixed sign remember) and thus they tend to underestimate their own emotional needs (’its fine i’ll deal with it)

Some may even have an aversive view to letting themselves show/go through their actual emotions because of this. Learning how to give equal emotionality in their relationships will be important to them, I know they might not like getting ‘vulnerable’ in front of people– but it will help them drastically with their own progression/development. 

Aqua/Libra people (who are still youngings) might even think crying is messy. But this depends on them honestly. The thing is, they might be afraid to show old friends (who they haven’t seen in a while) that they’ve grown and develop, and thus being quite a passive character or trying to reach back into who they were before in order to connect with them (which they will immediately regret later)

These people are optimistic tho, like they have a general positivity about them that they exude consciously. They’re one of those people who’ve probably read ‘the secret’ book by Rhonda Burne back in the days ( a self-help book, actually they read a lot of self-help books) 

They believe in the Law of Attraction– that if they exude positivity, then positivity will come back to them.

This is a teaching they demonstrate to their friends, those who may be feeling down, they do it to help others as well as themselves. They try to remain positive and have a positive influence with people– but in this case, that’s why they don’t expose themselves to others a lot of the time.

The people they open up to though, are people who are quite chill and personal. Like they’re as much of an individual as them, maybe kind of a trail blazer/admirable to them. They understand them, so they trust them to give good solid advice.

Most of the time, it’s understanding and practical answers. Like how they give to other people, these people become their close friends and ones they keep for life– they trust them and depend on them. 

Love their friends to bist, I know this is like cheesy BUT its in the WAY they love/show their love for their friend that’s really the 👌 of Aqua/Libra

Did you know they have sparkly eyes when they are happy/supportive of people? Sometimes it’s like, teasing– soft and gushy (and if you tell them this they’ll try to ‘cure’ it somehow sdknf)

It’s their facial expression that really does people in, they also tend to use like a calming voice for others. Not that they do it consciously, their calming voice is usually panic ridden for stressful situation (exerted consciously) but their normal voice is calming itself is what I mean.

Another thing is, ahh they may be attracted to those who are more ‘active’ – because they have such a strong sense of perception and inner peace. Those who are abit more cardinal (Aries/Capricorn/Cancer) or those with stress tensions (squares) tends to attract them towards those people. 

That’s it for now!! 💕💕 This is quite long but I hope it’s good for you!! ;; 💕💕💕💕 Thank u for dropping by and being so sweet to me aaaah 💕💕💕

[hotshotshitshow]

i guess just because ive been on a roll lately and also oversharing is my lifelong passion i want to verbal diarrhea a lil bit about my own experience of coming to the conclusion that im a lesbian so pls feel free to ignore if u want or whatever i just have Lots Of Thoughts and i just want to get them out. this gets sort of weirdly long winded and shouty and ranty so im sorry. catharsis!

even now i still feel some level of .... idk? shame? regret? i dunno. about the fact that i didnt come to the conclusion that i was a lesbian until i was 25 bc that feels so late to me even though i know for a fact that there are countless other people who came to similar realizations about themselves when they were much older than me.

and ngl there is even a little bit of envy that there are so many kids so much younger than me who seem so sure of their identities (even though i know there are loads of kids who arent sure!!!) and there are moments where i catch myself thinking of myself as “less of a lesbian” because i didnt allow myself to face the fact that i was one until fairly recently ..... and i am still learning so much and trying to cultivate my own identity and just all around see myself as “less experienced” (whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean) than others which undoubtedly is a part of the massive chasm that all my self confidence gets sucked into daily.

but like obviously its not like just BOOM one day i was like “from here on out i am a lesbian now!!!!!!! :)” bc even from a very young age i was always more drawn to women and could not wrap my head around the idea that someday i would have to marry a man and completely idealized my mom’s best friend who was a big burly woman who drove a truck and wore flannels and knew that i wanted to be just like her when i grew up and never ever marry a dude (which in retrospect was sort of weird because my mom usually hates women like that and i grew up with her periodically warning me to “stay away from fucking dykes theyre mean awful ugly women”)

and then the always confusing for everyone period of middle school where i dated a boy for three days before breaking it off because the whole situation gave me more anxiety than i could deal with but i just chalked it up to me being an emotionally immature teen but also being completely obsessed with my best girl friend and wanting to impress her and have her attention all the time and being unable to understand why i was so upset when she started dating some  guy and me just assuming that i was upset because i had a crush on him that id never realized i had before

and then id go home and spend hours online looking up content for my favorite shoujo-ai anime ships and talking with other wlw on the gaiaonline guild forums and asking them questions about how you knew if you were gay or not and if liking almost exclusively girl/girl ships meant you were gay and only being told in response “plenty of heterosexual girls like girl/girl ships!! youre the only one who can tell if youre gay or not!! :)” and just feeling completely confused and alone and having no idea what to think!!!! and then having one day that i remember very specifically where i had a shining moment of clarity for all of half an hour where i thought “i AM a lesbian!!!” and feeling so happy in that moment before my brain took over with the thoughts of “but what if you come across one particular guy sometime...... can’t rule out that possibility” but i knew i really wanted to be a lesbian but just could not allow myself to think i was one

and then fast forwarding up to undergrad where i briefly dated an online guy friend (hi) for like. a month? and then abruptly breaking that off in the worst way possible because i had no fucking clue what i was doing and once again chalked it all up to being emotionally immature and from that moment out identified as aromantic because i figured there was something fucking wrong with me and romance was just not something i could do!!!!! and thinking there was absolutely no fucking way i could be a lesbian and it was completely not even remotely an option because there were certain aesthetic things about men that i appreciated and also never once having had a “proper crush” on anyone or at least not one that i could identify because everyone always talked about love feeling like fireworks and something big and id never felt that for anyone ever so obviously that meant i was incapable of love!!!! so i shoved the whole notion of trying to figure myself out way way way down and didnt look at it for years afterwards 

until i got into graduate school and for some fucking reason my brain decided it was time to dig all that old shit back up and i SUDDENLY COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN SCREAMS. and feeling more attracted to women than ever even though i always knew that i liked women 

and i still couldnt entertain the idea that i might be a lesbian because even though id been in a very happy relationship with beansly for a few years at that point and knew for a fact i was not aromantic there was still that thought of “Ok But What If You Meet One Guy Sometime”

and this sounds dumb as fuck but it wasnt until beansly straight up told me “if i had to label you id think you were a lesbian” that my brain went “what if theyre right” (TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY WENT NOPE but acknowledged that the fact that they called me that made me feel really really good) (but kept thinking about that and kept bringing it back up to myself and ruminating over and over and over it) and then even more dumb as fuck i couldnt admit it to myself until i saw a fucking tumblr post that had something to the effect of “a common thing for lesbians who dont know theyre lesbians yet is that they really want to be a lesbian. its ok to be a lesbian” AND THEN I FUCKING CRIED LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY AND HID UNDER MY BLANKIES but the fucking relief and validation my dude but then being presented with a whole new heap of Problems such as “how the fuck do i come out to people. everyone will think i am faking and Not Enough” and just having to deal with the struggle of owning that label and allowing myself to feel good about it and not let my brain convince me that i am somehow unworthy. and i am completely worthy because i love women and not men and thats the one fucking qualification i need to meet so my brain can go fuck itself into oblivion. ive spent so much time worrying over how much of myself i owe to men and holding myself back for a man that does not exist and will never exist and part of why i keep excitedly bringing up the fact that im a huge fucking lesbian is because in my mind its a huge testament to my personal progress and taking ownership over myself and no longer holding myself back over hypotheticals

so yeah anyway at the end of the day i still have so much more growing i need to do and i still see myself as a small shakey little chihuahua with a big mouth but i am a damn stronger person than i was even a year ago!!!! and learning that your attraction and what label you identify with is supposed to make you feel good was one of the best things i ever learned. i just really wish i could have had the self awareness or at least resources that i have now when i was younger and could have figured it out a little sooner. i know it doesnt make me “lesser” and technically i am still a very young person and have my whole life ahead of me but. idk i just wish id had it in me to be more honest with myself sooner. idk how other people can be so sure of themselves when they are so much younger. that just wasnt me i guess