#i think its also a special kind of uncomfortable when you know you're not trans (nonbinary or otherwise). like huh there really is no way

[fitzrove]

The situation I posted about is mostly funny but I do think it makes me feel alienated from some people (largely certain women because it's my main reference group) dkkdld. Like oh you guys truly have never had to contemplate your gender/enforced gender norms/gendered choices and gendered benefits/punishments, you truly think that all of your choices and actions are simply personal and not societally steered and socially rewarded/punished 😅 like y'all are comfortable with your conformity to an extent where you don't even notice how little freedom there is sometimes dkkdksks

[vexingwoman]

I'm sorry if this isn't articulated well and is a little rambly, I'm autistic, please take my words with a grain of salt. as a former member of that "whump community" (who's still into that kind of media) I know most of them are tifs, tho I was in it more when most of the popular writers on tumblr were still girls. It's also primarily autistic people from my experience.

you're definitely 100% right that they're not identifying as real men, I'm detrans and i don't even conflate the 2 in my mind which i think is a thing most RFs don't get about yaoi and this kind of thing, i didn't want to be a real guy, fictional men r like their own species lol. they're everything real men could never be. it might be hard to understand if you're less chronically online but I'm sure though not consciously, fictional men aren't even really related to real men in most of these people's minds.

With whump stuff I was always more uncomfortable or uninterested when it was a woman, maybe because women in media being hurt and weak is the norm (and it feels too real seeing a woman getting hurt since there's a closer connection), and it happening to men is an intriguing reversal. More male attracted women (im bi) are into more sensitive guys which sadly mostly exist in media, so it's just escapism.

I think that's also why they identify as trans males, they want to become closer to the fictional ideal of a male who can be soft and sensitive, or possibly being autistic and having trouble separating your special interests and escapist fantasies from every facet of your life.

(For context, this was sent in response to this post)

I think you’re onto something here. Brutality against female people is so common that we’re completely desensitized to it, and consequently, female characters being brutalized doesn’t emotionally move us. Either that, or brutality against female characters is highly sexualized, and further dehumanizes them. 

On the other hand, brutality against a male character is unexpected and unusual. Therefore, we are emotionally moved by it and able to recognize it for the tragedy it is. Indeed, this might explain why the “whump community” almost exclusively romanticizes the torture and anguish of male characters, and why so many of its members identify as trans guys. 

Furthermore, have you noticed that most of the tropes this community romanticizes are things that, at least in real life, female people are primarily the victims of? For example: rape, kidnapping, stalking, being drugged, being sold. It almost feels like an attempt to vicariously garner empathy for female suffering, without the element of being another cliché female victim. I feel like they impose female suffering onto male characters because they know the audience actually empathizes for males and views them as full human beings. 

In the end, I think it all comes down to female people’s desire to be fully humanized and to escape gendered stereotyping. For example, you stated that many trans-identified females “want to become closer to the fictional ideal of a male who can be soft and sensitive.” But why is a soft, sensitive male character so much more charming to them than a soft, sensitive female character? 

Because in their eyes, softness and sensitivity in a male character is seen as authentic; it’s seen as a consequence of his unique personality. But softness and sensitivity in a female character is seen as expected, as stereotypical—it’s seen only a consequence of her gender. This is also why characters who are fathers are adored, while characters who are mothers are overlooked or scrutinized. Because a male character taking care of children is kindhearted, nurturing, selfless, compassionate. But a female character taking care of children is just doing her job.

Basically, I think many trans-identified females would like their softness and sensitivity to be viewed as authentically as we view softness and sensitivity in males. I think many trans-identified females crave for their characteristics to be viewed as consequences of their unique personalities, rather than consequences of their gender. They crave to be seen as human first and female second—not the other way around. 

[lylahammar]

Do you have any tips for developing a healthier relationship to being fat? I'm fat and have a uhhhhh very negative relationship with the physical appearance of my body, despite treating my body well on a physical level. I read a ton of fat liberation stuff and fat positive studies and while logically I know that being fat isn't bad and has no bearing on morality, personality, etc, I still can't seem to apply this reasoning to myself. Most of the content on the internet is geared towards cis abled woman when I'm a trans disabled man, so that probably contributes to some extent, but idk. It also doesn't help that attraction-wise I'm definitely drawn to people who are the exact opposite of me physically (tall, lanky, angular, etc). I've been trying for years to even just be okay with my appearance and none of the common advice has worked. I pretty much only feel okay with myself when I forget that I have a physical body. Your fat positive content makes me really happy and you seem to have a positive relationship with your body, so I thought it was worth asking if you had any tips for me or anyone else who might need them.

Feel free to disregard this message if it makes you uncomfortable! You don't know me and I don't want to put my feelings on you. I appreciate any response you might give, but I also don't want to breach any boundaries. I hope you have a nice day!

-🧪

Hello!! I've been thinkin about this question since you sent it yesterday, it's a very good question but also a toughie 😅 The thing to keep in mind is that internalized fatphobia isn't a problem caused by personal problems, it's almost entirely a societal thing. I've been working on my body image issues for a long long time now, and honestly sometimes I do still feel down about my fatness. BUT it gets easier and easier as you get older, I promise you that! Especially if you keep working on it. So here are some tips I can think of:

Try to consume a lot of body neutral media! For me, body positive stuff can get a little grating and actually do the opposite of its intended purpose, because the constant focus on "everyone is beautiful!! Love your fat body!" can start to feel... I don't know, like it's drawing attention to it too much, and making it less normal. I like media in which fatness is portrayed as normal and doesn't get alienated so much, even in a positive way. A few good recommendations I can think of off the cuff are Dungeon Meshi (can't help plugging my fave manga heheh, Ryoko Kui is just so loving in her portrayal of different body types), Steven Universe, Hairspray, and Porco Rosso. Couplagoofs on Instagram, tiktok, twitch and youtube are really good influencers for this, watching their content has helped me a lot with my own body image! I've heard that Shrill is a good show for fat representation, but I've only seen this one scene (which is very good) so I can't speak definitively about it's quality! If anyone else has any good suggestions, please reply with them 🙏

Stay off of tiktok until you feel more comfortable with your own body. Tiktok is kind of a trap, because it'll put a lot of really great diverse body neutral stuff on your fyp to lure you in, but then it'll shut you down with the most hateful shit you've ever seen. And if you're not on the body neutral side of tiktok, you'll be in skinny town USA thirst trap hell forever lmfao it's just like not worth it

Surround yourself with accepting people. It's especially helpful to seek out other fat/fat positive friends (especially of the queer and neurodivergent variety). Fat people are everywhere, we're way more common than society and media would have you think!! It's good to have people around you to remind you of that 😁

If you have the money for it, try going on a special shopping trip to find some clothes that make you feel really good. Go alone, unless you have someone who you feel 100% comfortable with, because this trip should be about your needs and whatever makes you feel happy with your own body. You don't need anyone else's opinion for that! I know that this bit of advice is a little cliche, but it's just what has helped me personally.

This might be just a me thing, but practicing with drawing fat bodies has probably done more for my body image than anything else. It forces you to spend a lot of time looking at fatness and really growing to understand it and accept it. I've got a pinterest board for fat poses that I've been collecting (which I've just realized only has feminine people in it, I need to fix that >:/ ). Fat Photo Reference is another good site for practice, but it requires a password, so if anyone wants to get in then just DM me! Self portraits are also a great idea for this, especially if you find fatness beautiful in other people but not yourself, like you've said! Maybe give it a shot on a day when you're feeling up to it 💛

I hope this helps!! I'm not an expert on this, so my advice might be just as cliche and unhelpful as everything else out there 😅 but this is all just from personal experience. Fatness is normal and healthy and beautiful, so I hope you can come to accept your own soon!! 🙏

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey so i have a kind of issue ive been pondering over for a while. i currently identify as a trans man, but for a while i thought i might be genderfluid and identified the two possible "genders" i switched between. i gave them names, ill call them s and k here. s was my more feminine gender, i used to describe them as my "girl" gender but now it makes me kind of uncomfortable identifying even partly as a girl. for a while, s used he/she/it pronouns. k uses he/him pronouns and is strictly masculine presenting. sometimes, i will feel like a mix of both "genders" and to be honest, it confuses me because more often than not they feel very distinct and separate, but weirdly similar at the same time? because, well, i usually think theyre both still me. but recently ive been wondering if they really are both me? if that makes any sense at all. because ive been thinking that the two "genders" might not be genders at all but instead like, separate personalities? because my interests change sometimes slightly and sometimes drastically when my "gender" changes, or sometimes i feel conflicted on what i *should* be interested in, if that makes sense? like both hypothetical interests are there, sure, but i feel confused on which one im supposed to like at the moment. and now that im really thinking about this, and typing it out, i have a feeling i might have some kind of plurality?? but im also scared that im getting way ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, because the "genders" or "personalities" or whatever they are, people maybe, arent always so clearly distinct from one another? because i feel like if they are separate personalities than they both come from a singular base personality maybe? and theres also the issue that if they are two separate personalities or people, than I don't know which one is the real me.

sorry if this was like, really confusing. i just would really like some input on what you think this could be. if its not too much trouble, i hope this could be answered quickly because it's something thats really bothering me but if thats too much stress or whatnot, like you have other asks to get to first, than i totally understand and no pressure! thank you in advance

Hi anon,

It's fairly possible that you could be plural given the experiences you described. It's common for people who don't realize they are systems to experience their plurality in terms of shifting their gender, name, and pronouns, as well as their interests, likes, and dislikes. It's possible that the shifts could be different parts fronting, and it's also possible that the blending between them could be chalked up to blurriness or being cocon. It's understandable that the idea you may be plural could be causing some unease or uncertainty, even as to who you are personally, and please know that you're not alone.

However, as a nonprofessional and as someone who doesn't know you personally, it's not my place to say for certain whether or not you are plural. This could be something to explore further with the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in dissociative disorders and/or LGBT+ experiences. A therapist, especially one with these concentrations, could help you figure out whether this is to do with gender or if there's something more going on.

Please know that it's okay to explore your identity and discover who you truly are. Identity is a complex and personal journey, it can often fluctuate, and it can take time to understand ourselves fully. Remember to practice self-care, being gentle and patient with yourself along the way. You deserve the space and time to embrace and understand all parts of yourself.

Best of luck in getting to the bottom of this. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun