#i think im depressed and spiralling again and idk if im gonna try to stop that either at this point

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[yosh-iro]

mfw i try to draw something but it looks like something i wouldve drawn when i was 12 when i havent drawn since i was 12

[thecrazyphantom]

Just some interactions that happened to me a couple of years ago.

The person I'm referring to is probably stalking my account as I post this 😕

(This is just a vent of mine, you can skip if you don't want to read it ❤️)

Btw both of us are Female(well idk what they are but they're afab)

I was so uncomfortable trying to respond to them saying this, let alone in response to my photo.

When they broke our friendship (In a very cringe way btw. I can elaborate if anyone asks) they told me how I "treated them horribly" even though I was the one who constantly just had to deal with their Bullshit when they texted me.

They'd also constantly oversexualize all the female characters I Roleplay/I like

Ex: Saying that Peko has (AND I LITERALLY QUOTE.) "phat juicy tits".

When we had a Simp channel in our Discord server That was Yk... Dedicated to fictional characters.. or people in their class they thought were pretty. They posted a photo into it of Me in a Byakuya Cosplay looking down at the camera and then started going on and on about how they'd give me everything they owned and such and it made me so uncomfortable that I couldn't even response logically so i just sent "<3" and didn't respond to the text.

They would also talk constantly about their AUs and stuff about The Cuphead show. I rlly did like a lot of what they talked about since I liked Cuphead the Game and have a very open mind to others Aus. But the thing was was that I had openly talked about how I didnt want to watch the Cuphead show because I just didn't like the voice acting ((Well they've got good voice acting, good Animation, and funny plots , but I just don't think the Cuphead cast should have voices. But I did watch the show after all this, and it was pretty good)). But i just remember that one day I was getting tired of them talking about Cuphead and I texted them "I don't mean to be rude but can you stop sending Cuphead content? You're slowly making me dislike it 😕" (that's the exact quote), and then they got annoyed and was like "that was the only direct cuphead thing I've sent" And I ofc denied that bc I don't rlly loose interest in things through only one message unless it's controversial. And I wasn't gonna deal with pulling up all that evidence so I just said "Omfg *name*" "Nah I'm done with discord" and they instantly started to "im so sorry" bomb but I told them I wouldn't talk to them until I calmed down bc I was just pretty grouchy at the moment. When I came back I sent some words abt me calming myself down again, then said "I apologize for my outburst". And bam we were somehow friends again????

What was even worse was that they did this all in front of our mutual friend (well at the time it was mutual, now they're just my friend ^_^) that they were at the time dating.

(I don't even remember if they sent more cuphead and I'm not even gonna dig for it)

All I know is that that could've been easily resolved by either just saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry I'll try to send them less" or even being like "Cuphead is my Hyperfixation, just like how your hyperfixation is Danganronpa"

They'd also text the gc that me and my friend were in that they were going to commit Slick-a-Slide and then disappear for weeks on end. So ofc me and my friend would be worried and get in a depressive state because we were under the false narrative that they Unalived, just for them to come back after a while and just brush it off. Each time we asked if they were okay they would always be like "Yeah Sorry my mom just took away my phone." And for a while I started to speculate that they were just in a Mental hospital but they never mentioned it (and they Kinda told us EVERYTHING that happens in their life/day/week.) So not only were they treating me wrong, they were dragging my friend into it and Worrying them. (This happened multiple times while they were dating, so I can't even imagine the levels of depression that could've spiraled my friend into. Like having to hear your lover say they were going to commit, then go offline for a long time, is actually petrifying.)

This is a small one but I also remember that a couple weeks or months before they broke ties with me, We were in a server with all of their friends (+my friend and I), they texted the public channel asking if anyone wanted to call, and when I said that I was down to call that literally responded something along the lines of "someone who isn't Phantom" and then they kicked me shortly after I responded with a sad emoji. That made me lose all left over respect I had for them. My friend confronted them on how that wasn't too nice to say, and then they got kicked too.

Also this is off track but imma bring it up since I'm currently obsessed with Korekiyo, but the way they Roleplayed Korekiyo made him seem like he's some Holier than thou character that could pretty much read minds and just tell what they were doing prior ((for example a character could make and excuse to walk off to give something to someone they're currently seeing and come back to Korekiyo and they'd respond "Oh were you giving something to *name*?")). Idk this just made me not like Korekiyo for a while after they broke ties with me.

Anyways that's all my ranting for now. Pip, Ace, whatever you're going by rn. If you see this, please get off my page, for you've made me dread each second and more that you've talked to me ;) ❤️

[unknownarmageddon]

thinking. THINKING.

imagine. killer has like, a slight depressive spiral, and it’s like. he wanders off more, but never too far because as much as it aches to be around cross, he doesn’t want to think about being without him

but like. cross just doesn’t seem to really notice that, and it doesn’t help at all to come back from wherever and see that cross hadn’t really, you know, missed him? like, before, cross would greet him, or say something, or come lookin for him if he was gone longer than an hour, and now it’s like. he’s so detached and it’s so like, disorienting

and like, killer just leaves for hours, and takes longer and longer because killer just goes and sit somewhere, or half-heartedly kicks at rubble and shit and he like comes back empty-handed more often than not and it’s like

he comes back from a particularly long trip, and cross is like. tending to the fire, sitting on his own bedroll and he like, spares killer a glance and asks “didja find anything?”

and killer like. shrugs and makes a random noise and just. lays down and goes to sleep and like, i wanna think that this happens towards the end of the distance arc, when cross is starting to like, notice just how much he fucked this up and it’s like

idk, i feel like seeing killer walk around so like. progressively more tired, more hollowed out, it’s like, a big thing that clues cross in to the fact that like. they need each other.

killer needs him, and as much as he wants to say otherwise, he needs killer too, and the distance between them is gonna be what starts them down a path of no return, and just. kills them.

and it’s already happening, when he notices too that killer isn’t eating as much as he should, even with their sparse rations, and he’s tired, less aware, and it makes him careless and easily overtaken if someone unfriendly comes across killer in this state and beyond just, the logical reasonal parts of it, cross just.

wants killer to be happy, and when it like, finally fuckin hits him that he cares more about that, than he fears this whole relationship thing, it’s like, he’s so angry with himself and when killer finally comes and asks to sleep with him, and cross caves in and killer curls up against him and it’s like

fuck man im trying. to stop thinking about the distance arc but like. a month is such little time compared to the time they were, yk, okay, but it’s like. it’s still a month, and somehow, that one month was like, the loneliest they’d really felt in a long time and

aghhhhh….

AUGH SHAKING YOU

OKAY OKAY this is so making me think of this ask from Deni

So like at this point Killer just falls SO deep into that third stage. Like he is. Fucking out of it.

And Cross is deep in his own shit he doesn’t notice either like you said.

Like that month was eons long for them. Like it just dragged on and it was excruciating. And they’re both beating themselves up and they’re both beating each other up inside.

And then that night when Cross actually gets Killer’s attention, like actually seems to see him and what he’s going through emotionally for the first time in a month and he sets that star projector down, and they press up against each other to watch the artificial stars dance on broken walls, everything like clears up. Like a storm cloud blowing away. Of course it’s gonna be kinda dark still, they have to work through things more. But it’s like so fucking relieving for them to be able to actually be close to each other again. and THEN maybe that night when the whole thing with Killer getting into Cross’s sleeping bag with him for the first time in a month it like. Clears up those clouds even more. And the cold just melts away. I have no idea what I’m getting at here I’m derailing and losing my train of thought but GODD dude fucking. Man

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[littlelovelymemes]

✰  —  —  —  EVEN MORE POPULAR TEXT POSTS STARTERS

‘  let me just make one thing clear... i have no clue what’s going on, ever, at any moment, at any point in time. who knows what’s going on? not me. not ever.  ’ ‘  i would just like to publicly announce that i have no idea what i am doing  ’ ‘  we came from the same star and we will come together again in the end  ’ ‘  i have a ‘why am i like this’ moment at least five times a day  ’ ‘  did i need it? no. did i buy it? yes.  ’ ‘  the most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning  ’ ‘  petition for stars in the day time please???  ’ ‘  i love it when i wake up and stretch and something cracks. makes me feel like a glo-stick  ’ ‘  drop whatever you’re doing right now and climb a tree  ’ ‘  the most fucked up part of adult life is how you can just decide to do things  ’ ‘  i’m a person who wants to do lots of things trapped inside a body that wants to SLEEP at all times  ’ ‘  i’m so tired but i’ll probably be awake until 3 am for no reason  ’ ‘  time to kick my own ass. bitch had it coming for too long  ’ ‘  honestly ‘thanks i hate it’ is one of the funniest phrases in the english language  ’ ‘  do you ever wonder how many people have loved you and never told you?  ’ ‘  the internets one true talent is making me sick of things i’ve never seen or read or heard  ’ ‘  i’m permanently emotionally damaged but it’s chill, i’m chill  ’ ‘  all cracker barrels are dimensionally linked. you could walk into a cracker barrel in georgia and walk out of one in arkansas and feel nothing  ’ ‘  ‘you look different with makeup’????? you think i’m buying shit for hundreds of dollars to just keep looking like my ugly self ... ok  ’ ‘  why did the fray go off so hard in ‘how to save a life’?  ’ ‘  anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms  ’ ‘  not to be too controversial but i like it when people are nice   ’ ‘  the sun has no business tapping out at the tender hour of 5pm bitch i have depression  ’ ‘  i forgot how fucking weird november is theres no afternoon its just night after 2pm  ’ ‘  what time do you need me? i am unavailable whenever that time is  ’ ‘  look i may have made a few typos and committed a few murders but nobody’s perfect okay  ’ ‘  i guess at this point i should just consider dating myself  ’ ‘  i’m aiming for the “she’s a badass and cute as hell but i wouldn’t touch her without asking” look  ’ ‘  haha if you’re bored you could kiss me idk just sayin  ’ ‘  i see you’re paying attention to someone who is not me. why is that.  ’ ‘  80s music wont solve all my life’s problems but it certainly distracts me from them  ’ ‘  i cant believe what walkie talkies are called  ’ ‘  some people think life is like a rollercoaster but my life is more like one of those rides that spin really fast so you’re pinned to the wall and can’t do anything about it  ’ ‘  hey girl do you want to make a fragile human connection in the vast and unfeeling infinity of a chaotic universe  ’ ‘  all these fuckboys but who is the fuckfather  ’ ‘  i love drunk me but i don’t trust her  ’ ‘  do you have those people that you’d go anywhere with unconditionally, like they could say “lets go check out that dumpster” and you’d be like “im in”  ’ ‘  nah sorry i cant go out tonight, i have plans to spiral into uncontrollable anxiety starting in the early evening and ending at roughly 3 am  ’ ‘  me: queen of having had enough  ’ ‘  she needs a hug (i’m she)  ’ ‘  is it acceptable to start an essay with “listen here you little shit”?  ’ ‘  90% of my day is me being nervous  ’ ‘  cons: i’m an asshole. pros: i’m your asshole.  ’ ‘  give me 10 reasons why i shouldn’t just turn into a slug right now  ’ ‘  are we gonna fuckn hold hands tonight or what bitch  ’ ‘  dear soulmate, where the fuck are you  ’ ‘  i’m so easily revitalized by small, loving gestures  ’ ‘  i dont know what im feeling but there is a lot of it  ’ ‘  let’s be friends with benefits. the benefits? you get to be friends with me  ’ ‘  you ever just sit back and think like... yo... i really don’t care  ’ ‘  im surprised no one has ever punched me in the face  ’ ‘  what if mike was short for micycle  ’ ‘  hey fellow regular kids what’s up  ’ ‘  if u ever called me pretty i love you. ur pretty too  ’ ‘  do you ever just ‘there’s probably something medically wrong with me but i’m just gonna ignore it and hope i don’t die’?  ’ ‘  why did we stop building castles? i feel like humanity might live to regret that  ’ ‘  i’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace  ’ ‘  i am so glad you exist, even if you exist so far away from me  ’ ‘  i can hold a wet bar of soap better than a conversation  ’ ‘  she is beauty, she is grace, she got her feelings hurt 42 times today  ’ ‘  13 years of school and im still not sure if its ‘grey’ or ‘gray’  ’ ‘  hope u like bad girls because i’m bad at everything  ’ ‘  got a problem with me? kiss me on the lips dude  ’ ‘  too many songs about love. not enough songs about sword fights  ’ ‘  don’t talk to me or my 78 insecurities ever again  ’ ‘  i just did a tarot reading... it said ur a bitch  ’ ‘  a good substitute for love and fulfillment? a crunchwrap supreme from taco bell  ’ ‘  i fucked up? idk what you’re referring to but probably  ’ ‘  *in a high-pitched mocking voice* "are you okay?" what the fuck.  ’ ‘  how do u just..... not believe in aliens  ’ ‘  a coffee pot can be a coffee mug if you just don’t fucking care  ’ ‘  “you’re up early!” jokes on you i didn’t sleep at all and am in between energized and dying  ’ ‘  dont wanna sound like a slut but i really need a hug right now  ’ ‘  casual fan? no sorry i only know how to invest my whole livelihood into something and spend every waking moment thinking about said thing  ’ ‘  i have a dozen hearts swirling around my head irl like that isnt a filter its permanent  ’ ‘  i worry about you even when you say you’re fine  ’ ‘  i will never hurt you. i will always stick by your side. i will always try to make you smile  ’ ‘  true love: having to hold back your adorable, violent girlfriend to keep her from straight up murdering a dude  ’ ‘  cute date idea: be nice to me  ’ ‘  im so jealous of people who know what they want to do with their future i dont even know what t.v show to watch next  ’ ‘  me? clingy? yes please don’t leave me  ’ ‘  hey….,.,.. no offense but,,. i want someone to love and cherish me  ’ ‘  i need someone to lay in bed with me for hours  ’ ‘  dark hannah montana..... show me the worst of both worlds  ’ ‘  someone has to say it: come on eileen is a fucking banger like that shit snaps,, a bop for the century  ’ ‘  roses are red, i’m going to bed  ’ ‘  bless netflix for creating the skip intro button honestly  ’ ‘  they call me… 7 Knives. because that’s how many knives it takes me to cook things because i keep puttin em in the fuckin sink without thinking about it  ’ ‘  i wanna burry my face in someone’s chest right now til i fall asleep and wake up 4 hours later just to find i’m still in their arms  ’ ‘  the internet has ruined me honestly i’m numb to everything. it could be the end of the world and i’d be like “tag urself i’m the acid rain”  ’ ‘  lately i have been…….dying to be in love…,..and that’s the mood sadly  ’ ‘  not to be ns fw but i’d cry if someone kissed me on the cheek  ’ ‘  sexting? nah. i’m into spexting. spooky texting. ever seen a ghost? hmu.  ’ ‘  not to sound cocky as shit but i’m a fucking good person with a big heart and i deserve a lot more than the shitty hand life has dealt me this far  ’ ‘  i say i love you a lot because i do  ’ ‘  i’m sorry. i can’t come to the phone right now? why? oh. cause i hate talking on the phone please text me instead.  ’ ‘  low on self esteem, so u run on mac & cheese  ’ ‘  who’s gonna come lay with me in bed and let me wrap my legs and arms around u like a small bear  ’ ‘  youre a coward if youre not on the way to my house right now to give me a kiss  ’ ‘  my personality is like 90% the song i’m currently listening to  ’ ‘  the first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself  ’ ‘  no offense @ life but can i have a breath.. a break... some slack...  ’ ‘  the best kind of alcohol is a lot  ’ ‘  911 i hate to be “that guy” but i glued myself to the ceiling again  ’ ‘  having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch  ’

[miniaturemusicduck]

hey so I stopped using tumblr as actively like years ago and I luckily have no actual followers on this blog so thas great but I just wanted to tell you that I love you. and you mean the world to me. and idk how I went my whole life without you because everything about you makes me feel like no matter how bad it gets I have a beautiful love to find comfort in. I'm sorry about today. I don't know if it's just my fault that everything has felt off or if I'm imagining it but I probably am. I'm sorry angel. I had the absolute worst nightmare about my mom laying in a coffin looking like my uncle did in his and woke up crying and my heart was beating crazy fast and my throat was sore from crying and fucking everything felt like it was caving in idk how to explain it. and then probably like 20 minutes after I calmed down my mother came into my room and told me her hair started falling and it sent me into a spiral that idk how to get out of at this point and I know I'm being very hypocritical because I never told you about this all day and I got upset when you didn't tell me you were sad but I just didn't wanna make your day worse and turn it into a thing where neither of us was okay or holding it together and I know you were fine but I still just wanted to make sure I'm sorry I'm just really not used to being taken care of in that way and I hate sounding like that ew but just like I've always been the one supporting the person I was with and I don't entirely know how to break down in front of you yet and I guess this is my sad weak attempt at it. I'm sorry I can't just do this outright and be fucking normal about it but just I love you so much and I don't wanna make you sad or make you feel like I'm a burden or too much to deal with.

if I'm being brutally honest I've been having thoughts that I'm scared of recently. thoughts of self harm and stuff that I haven't had in at least 7 months. and also please don't ever EVER think that any of this is bevaise you're not doing enough to help me or be there that's another reason I never told you about any of it. I don't want you to ever feel like you're not enough. I promise you're the only reason they've stayed thoughts.

i really need to get around to seeing a psychiatrist again because I'm scared of the day I actually lose it and can't handle any of this anymore. apart from just having depression in itself things are getting hard at home. mom is tired a lot more and I'm not complaining at all bc I know it's what I have to do but I've gotta sort out a lot more around the house like cleaning and cooking and then cleaning up after cooking and then making sure she eats and then the laundry and ironing and yeah. it's why I fall asleep so early these days because I have to get up early and then I'm tired from doing shit and I hate it because I wanna give you more time than I do and I'm sorry about that baby. it's just all becoming a lot and it's making me realise that like especially when campus goes back im gonna have so so much to deal with and I'm fucking terrified. again not complaining bc it's what I've gotta do and I van do it k just need to figure out how. I know it's stupid because plenty of peiple have a hundred times more responsibility but I just never had to do any of this to this extent before and I guess it's something I have to get used to. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes because I'm so overwhelmed by everything going on. and then past traumas and fuck shit and abuse that I can't forget just plays on my mind constantly on some days and yeah. I'm sorry for how I am on those days. I'm just really scared of everything. and I don't know how to process it. and I'm scared that soon I'm going to break. I won't. but I'm scared of the idea of it. and I'm scared of all this taking over my mind completely again.

I guess the point of this was to try and let you see a little of what's been going on in my mind recently. especially today. and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with any of this. I was just thinking a lot about how I acted today and realised it's wrong to leave you out of the loop too, as much as I hate to burden you. but everything else aside here, just know that you're the best part of every day and you're the light at the end of every tunnel. you make everything feel okay and I can forget about how scary everything is for a little while when you're around. and i love you so much for supporting and loving me the way you do, without question and unconditionally. you mean the world to me and there's not a soul in this world that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. I know I sound like a broken record but this is just the truth that stays the same every time. I love you. And I'm sorry for my behavior today, I had a really bad day and I'm working on it chicken. I love you.

[meatcritter]

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 people

i was tagged by @libraah like 2 months ago n i totally forgot abt this until now. idk them but I hope life’s been treating them well since then lol

nicknames: the ones based on my name are mostly livvy/ollie, but my parents call me chickie/buttercup

gender: female

sign: capricorn

height: 5′7″ and counting

time: 8:56 pm im procrastinating my homework let me live

birthday: new years eve which means i never have school on my birthday so thats dope

favorite bands: pentatonix was my first favorite and also the first concert i ever went to but i also like a fair amount of p!atd stuff plus some of little mix’s songs are highkey slaps (thx @serendpities for introducing me u a real one)

favorite solo artists: dodie!!!!! also hozier and sam smith

song stuck in my head: papaoutai by stromae. its in french and i dont know french and im going to give myself a hernia

last movie i watched: harry potter and the chamber of secrets

last show i watched: parks and recreation

when did i create this blog: i think it was december 2016/january 2017 anyway i immediately drop kicked myself into a depressive spiral n we still here bitc whats up

what did i last google: “amazon ukulele” bc im tryna learn an instrument while my brains still growing

other blogs: uhhh @wheat-free-thins was the one i made in like 2014 and immediately forgot my password to. theres maybe 5 posts on there

do i get asks: nah but id like to lol if anyone wants to ask or chat hmu i like makin friends and im nice

following: 422, mostly art accounts

followers: counting bots i have 21 but otherwise i think its like 14-17 i love y’all

average hours of sleep: 6 or less i just cant sleep longer than that idk man 

lucky number: i dont have a lucky number but i like 8 and 31

instruments: i quit piano after 2 years and my mom told me to quit trumpet bc i sucked lol so now im trying again w ukulele bc its a) cute as h*ck and b) fairly easy to pick up

what am i wearing: camo men’s joggers w/ a xxl mens tshirt wrapped in a comforter for warmth bc its like 53 degrees in my room i love new york winter

dream job: im the worst artist to live on this b***ch of an earth but i think animation is sick. ive been into stop motion n all that since before i started school. realistically i think id like to be a marine biologist but that could change who knows

last book i read: the house on mango street

favorite food: pancakes. am i valid yet

3 favorite fandoms: stranger things, harry potter, and i cant think of another

im gonna tag @celfi @chainedcoffin @slutofshakespeare and anyone who wants to do this y’all are valid and i support you

[roaringfuck]

idek what to wrote so im shit posting but i have a lot of feelings rn thst are difficult to navigate like i like this girl shes my best fried. i have a history of liking ppl but their infatuations not genuine and i, this iscommon but it makes me feel like a bad personso i got caught up in thinking am ia bad person for liking her? also she was straight so i jever consideredit and them she stopped being straight and my crush developed and thne i told some friends abt it and i was excited to likeher and whatever then the whole infwtuation thing? and i was like no its not an infatuation bc i rlly just wanna soend time w her. for background i also dont ever confesscuzi did once and super embarrassing and im prideful but also like what if i destroy our current relationship over something thatll never come to be but then also like its not fairof me to sayitll necerr cometo be, ik its unfair of me to do this bc im essentially just making myself feel like shit inthis sick peeudo masterbatory fself flagellating thungwhere i like someone and its oure then my brain attacksitself and sshames itself for having deelings and makes it thinkits doing somethjng wrong and i never just tell the person and give them agency over their feelings bc pf two things: a) i like to suffer in the disappointment of the unknown? like ill sit here and beat myself up saying theyll never kike me bci suck and im fat and ugly and horrible and bad personality or whatever but essentially im weaponizing my crush against myself as a formof self harm and also bc b) very genuinely i dont wanna get rejected and chanheour relationship bc i doe uinely love this person. which cotnradicts all the ugly things in part a but bc of my gross oldy heart and crippled ego and sense of self worth and literally cant let myself feel anything wholesome without casting it in some dark light and lying to myself and telling me i am swxretly evil when im not?? but i also am scared bc what if i am?? and i just cant tell???? so the. i just keep floating in limbo hating myself over and over but quietly so as to not indulge in it (bc i rlly am trying to be kinder to myself but its hard) until one day ilook up and everything has passed me by andim not the same person nd neither are they and im wasting my time and i dont simply dont wanna feel like that anymore and 8 simply dont want to feel anymore so i turn off my feelings, hsving sampled the woes of unrequited love and deciding its notthe life i wanna live right now,maybe my time will come (god i hope i wish i dream my time for love and peace and happiness will come) but until then im gonna vibe out and sneer at men and just keep doing that but also i fear i will grow old and bitter and alone and ugly and hateful. bc i. ery well could. and honestly im a piece of shit most of the time so its probably what i deserve (even if its jsut what i deserve flr not having faith i wont be happy lol) to live my life like that. idk. depression i weird bc udont feel alive but i know im gonna keep living. i usually have some hope that eventually i wont feel sad anymore but every once in a while i wonder, what if this never stops and i always feel empty and create drsma internally sp i can beat myself up over my insufficiency just to feel something until i go numb again. and that paralyzes me like i cant imagine forever feeling like this. but time movesso fast im not gonna ahave to time dig myself out beforeive grown tookld to recover and that makes me wanna die sometimes. idk how i got here from ranting sbt my crush but wild how u spiral soemtimes 🤪🤪🤪 but theres also an important part of me where my feelings arent invalid. i gaslight myself a lot and tell myself i talked myself into this crush to hurt my feelings but like no im not entirely corrupted i have feelings im a person a complex person aand im not alone in my dilemmas and im not a bad person but its hard to remember that sometimes when ur brain is set to self destruct. anyways. i do have a crush on her and she p much told me abt this other girl she was interested in and also abt a guy she

used to flirt with and has been subtweeting abt a gilr on twitter she likes and i just.

really wish she was talking ant me. i wish one day she would say hey ive geen meaning to say... i wish she would hold my hand and smile at me and feel butterfkies when she sees me and i wish i could play with her fingers and sit in her car and talk for hours. and its ok rthat we arent and probably wont and i will be thrilled for her whoever she ends up with ofc bc i love her v dearly. and i know she loves me very dearly and wishes the same thing for me. i just wish we were actually wishing for the same thing

[book-tease]

Spiralling + Thoughts...Spiralling Thoughts?

This post is long, it runs on and doesn't really make all that sense. I wrote this in word, and was just gonna save it to my computer but idk i kinda wanted to post it. im thirsty for attention, i know. But its really kinda sad and depressing. I wrote this about an hour ago? I was sitting in my room, with music quietly playing in the backround and i started thinking and my way to help me not be swallowed whole by my thoughts is to either write it all down or type it all out. so, i wrote this big chunk of text, well, in my teary eyed vision i did put spaces in between paragraphs but idk if the separations make all that sense. This was written while i was trying not to spiral so again, it runs on and doesn't make any sense whatsoever. it does include riverdale, weirdly enough. Basically me saying how betty this season hit wayy close to home in a way so its kinda messing with me, in both a good and bad way. Its unedited, i just copied and pastes all of this here. so theres sooooo many spelling mistakes. so fucking many. so i guess if you want, read it.

So, im gonna start off by saying im really bad at talking to people. I cant continue conversations with new peoplem can barely do it with people ive known most of my life. So while everyone else is meeting new poeple, going to football games and shit, im sitting at home, watcing youtube and being too scared to ask people to hang out. But, that means that i get attatched to tv shows, youtubers, etc. And i joing fandoms whithout personally talking to people? Like i dont usually dm people, i sometimes put stuff in their ask box, mostly anonymously. Like, if i have fandom friends, or just friends in genral, theyve come to me, seeked out a friendship with me and put up wiht me just giving up on conversation when im too nervous to say what i want to. So i cna’t really rant about what happened in riverdale, or youtube drama or soemthing, so to let out my frustration with a charatcer, i write a slew of incoherent thoights in a word doc ument or something. (literally what im doing rn)

I bottle up things a lot. It hurts me in ways that i cant really describe? Like ill just sleep all day, and feel like im failing evrything and just cry al day the next day. its a problem im trying to fix, but idk how to tell people what im feeling without seeming like im seeking attention (well, in a way i am, just not in a ‘EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT ME” type of way) or that im faking it. So, i bottle shit up. anyways, so when things hapen in tv shows that im attacthced to, i mix up feelings from just my problems and the how i feel about what happens in a tv show. 

When bughead broke up, i didnt cry that much when i was watching RIverdale, but more so afterwards. Riverdale genuinally helps me in  acouple ways. Its a source of entertainmemnt, so that, and a distraction from real life bullshit. it also kinda touches on issues i relate to and have strong feelings about.Like betty having a dark version of herself, and the digging her nails into her palms. ust betty in general i kinda relate to. But what i love about betty is that she has people to support her, has people who love her. Yea, her mom is super overbearing and her opinions on some thing kinda suck, but she loves her daughters. Me, i dont really have any friends to support me, and a lot of people online are like “i ahve no friends lol” and in rality they either have a nbunch of friends or have friends, just not that many. I have people who i talk to but arent relaly friends? like i dont talk to them about me or my issues or anything like that. i dont really talk to my brother, granted im scared of him  because of past tjings but.. My dad i just cant. I dont have a boyfriend or girlfriend, a best friend. I dont really ahve anyone like betty does? but its not really oter peoples faults.its kinda my fault because starting in 7th grade,  i slowly started to pull away from people. i stopped trying to amke friends, stopped talking to my already existing friends as much, distanced myself from everyone. I didnt really notice i was doing it either. When i finally realized it, it was like june this year, and i didnt know what to do. I dont know what to do.

and when the black hood started making betty distance ehrself from people, subtly but not really, it hits really close to home. Granted, i dont ahve a serial killer calling me telling me my friends are all sinners, but in a way im my own kind of black hood. It just, wehn betty had archie break up with jughead, it was kinda alot for me. WHile she technically still ahs archie and veronica, its kinda hanging by a thread. Riverdale season 2 hits a little too close to home, and it ahs made me cry a lot more than i care to admit. 

[scintillating-galaxias]

Opposites, Chapter 2

im not sure if i should tag this too? since the first part has everything tagged?… maybe its fine idk but anyways!! chapter two of my grimmons fic, i hope you guys enjoy!!

(read it here on ao3)

1 / 2

A few days pass. Simmons is being weird again. He glances to Grif more often than not when he’s talking, says certain words with more emphasis, and again with the physical contact! He swears he’s been touched on the shoulder, or his back, or his arm more this past week than his entire lifetime. He thought Simmons wasn’t a huge fan of the whole touching thing!

He glances slyly at Simmons, who’s reassembling a rifle. His tongue peeks out from between his lips like it always does when he’s focused. When was the last time the guy has a hug? Not a ‘thank God you’re alive’ embrace of pure fear and desperation, just a simple, totally platonic, hug?

When was the last time Grif had had one?

The first one that comes to mind is Kai holding onto him as tight as her small arms could when he was leaving. But that was over a decade ago. It couldn’t have been that long since then. Could it? No. Maybe? No, no, that couldn’t be right, he knows that’s not right—

“Penny for your thoughts?” Simmons’ voice breaks him out of his musings.

“Make it a dollar and you have a deal.” Simmons rolls his eyes and fishes out a piece of chewing gum from somewhere in his armor.

“A piece of really old gum for your thoughts?” he rephrases in a monotone. Grif takes the gum and unwraps it thoughtfully.

“Not much. Just thinkin’ about Kai.” Grif pops the gum in his mouth and tilts his head a little. “We should go get her soon. No, scratch that, we are gonna go get her soon. And then we’re going right the fuck home. No more of this totally bullshit war, or wars, or whatever the hell is going on anymore.”

Simmons is quiet for a moment. “Is that—” he coughs and clears throat. He tries again. “That’s what you really want?”

“Hell yeah! Why the fuck wouldn’t I want to go home? That’s way better than what we’ve been doing, which is basically travel through a void for a bit, find some big rock with issues, move on after we fix said issue, find a cooler, bigger rock with more problems. Except for this time, it has snow! Wow! Oh, and we might die again. Whoop-dee-fuckin’-do.”

The conversation lulls a bit. Grif carefully retightens a screw in his own gun. Not too tight, the firing mechanisms might go wrong, not too loose, the recoil might be off in the field. At least, that’s what he thinks it is. He really doesn’t pay attention to these things. If it works, it works, and if it blows up in his face, well, he’s wearing armor that probably costs enough to bring a small country out of debt. It should work out fine.

“Just you guys?”

“What?”

“Never mind,” Simmons says quickly. He turns back to his gun. Grif looks at him for a moment longer before he shrugs and goes back to putting his own weapon together.

During lunch, Tucker approaches him. He sits down across from him and stares until Grif looks up. He has his hands laced and he leans forward on the table like some business man trying to make a deal. Grif cocks an eyebrow. Tucker clears his throat.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he tells Grif.

“Hello to you too, asshole.”

“Dude! Just fucking— It’s not hard to figure out!” Tucker throws arms up, then drags a hand through his hair in exasperation. “Christ, it’s embarrassing watching you two moon over each other! Like, holy hell, you aren’t high school teenagers! You could get shot tomorrow, and then we have to deal with Simmons crying over your dumb ass! Get your shit together!”

“Yeah well, maybe,” Grif says irritatedly, “you wouldn’t be so 'embarrassed’ about us if you guys fucked off and let us deal with it ourselves.” And he goes back to ignoring him. Man, these hash browns were just outstanding today. They actually had a little flavor to them.

“You aren’t going deal with it though! You’re just gonna keep walking away like you do with everything else!”

“What do you think of the broccoli today? I personally think a little more butter could have been used. It’s a little dry.”

“Oh my God,” Tucker groans, dragging out each word. He abruptly stands up and leaves, apparently too done with Grif to survive this conversation.

Good. He needed a nap anyway.

In the safety of his room, he thinks. He ponders and wonders and dwells on every little thing that’s happened lately.

First, his own depressive thought session that was basically just him pining. Which was just pathetic. He didn’t want to think about that.

Second, there was Simmons getting all touchy and smiley and making Grif feel warm all the time. Stupid Simmons being cute. Fuck that guy.

Then it was the Doorway Incident he’s shoved into the dark corner of his brain. Then there were those godforsaken notes that he should really take care of soon. One thing Tucker had said stuck with him; he might not have tomorrow to do this. He didn’t have the luxury to have all the time in the world to wait until the perfect moment like some people did.

Grif props his head up on one hand. The other toys with the drawstring of his sweatpants. Listen to Caboose and opposites were his hints. Opposites and spies? Clothes? Spy clothes, no, codes. Opposites and codes.

Grif gasps and nearly falls out of his bed in his haste to turn the light on. He trips ungracefully over a stray gauntlet, but he still reaches the wall and slaps it until he manages to find the switch.

He pats himself down before lunging for his armor. Fuck, where did they go! What was he wearing last? His hoodie? Grif leans down and swipes it up, rips the notes out of the front pocket, and throws himself at his desk.

“No way,” he mutters. “There’s just— No.”

You were. You were and… I am? That’s the first thing Grif can think of, so he reaches over to his datapad and writes it down. Were 'were’ and 'am’ opposites? Well, if they weren’t, they were for the time being.

Grif shakes his head. He knows how he works. He just had to get it out, then he could go and fix it later. Not like Simmons, who edited as he went along. No, now wasn’t the time to think about Simmons. Except, technically, he was right now just by dealing with these notes. If he was indirectly thinking about Simmons, would it count?

He furiously shakes his head again. “Focus,” he mutters. He thumbs the pen imprint on the back of one of the notes.

You were hopefully out hate without i.

“I am… Hopelessly? Hopeless? That’s dark, Simmons,” Grif muses. “Okay, Grif. Start talking.” He sighs. Stupid brain going off on unimportant topics. Grif clears his throat and taps the papers into a straight line.

“So,” he begins. “'I am hopelessly, in… Love? Love. With. You.’ Okay.” He picks up his datapad and writes it down. Well. He’s got the first part figured out. He could go ahead and change—

Grif’s thoughts catch up with his eyes. His brain screeches to a halt. Then it trips and falls down the stairs, where it lays there staring at a cloudless sky in shock. The low roar of blood rushing to his ears fills the silence.

He reads the words again. And again. And a third time.

“No way.” Grif leans back in his chair and runs his hands through his hair. “I— I got something wrong, didn’t I? It’s probably— no.” He makes a weird noise that could count as a giggle, but it’s so strained it sounds hysterical. “Haha! Real funny, Simmons! Good one!” he calls out. “You— You got me, you can stop… Hiding…”

Simmons does not materialize from the walls, or burst out of his tiny closet, or appear in the doorway, roaring with laughter and clutching his stomach.

Grif reads the words again.

“What. What?!” He stands up. Paces around the room. Falls back onto his bed. Gets up, reads the sentence again.

The universe hasn’t exactly been kind to him in the past. What made it change its mind now? He has to be dreaming. He’s had scary realistic dreams before. This wouldn’t be anything new. Grif pinches himself on the wrist, hard. Nothing happens except now his wrist stings a bit. He tries his ribs and his cheeks too, but there is still no sudden reveal of a dark closet or the inside of his helmet.

Grif makes a very embarrassing, very high-pitched sound. His face splits into a wide smile that reduces his vision to slits.

“'I am hopelessly in love with you.’ Oh, my God. Oh. My. God!” The feeling in his chest is too much for him, so he stands up, walks in quick, tight circles for a moment. He barely registers his steps because he swears he’s floating, drifting just above the clouds like he does in a dream.

There is an odd feeling he’s forgetting to do something. Nothing with the notes themselves. Simmons. He had to find Simmons.

Grif stands up and charges out of his room so fast he skids into the opposite wall. There, he takes a moment to collect himself.

What does he even say?  'I’m in love with you too’? No, that’s stupid. Maybe go a little slower, maybe hug him, or kiss his face, or something. No, what if Simmons wanted to go even slower than that? Could Grif hold his hand while watching a movie? That’s so cliché and corny, Simmons would love it, but what if he didn’t? Fuck! He doesn’t know what to do besides panic!

Before he sends himself into a downward spiral, he pushes off of the wall and bursts into Simmons’ room. Simmons himself is sitting on the edge of on his bed, capping and uncapping his calligraphy pen. He stands up quickly as Grif braces himself against the doorway

“What’s wro—”

“Did you mean it?” Simmons blinks.

“What do you mean?”

“The notes, are they real? Did you mean it, Simmons?” He hates the vulnerability is his voice, but he has to make sure, he has to be positive this wasn’t a sick, cruel joke. “Do you actually…?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I do, dumbass!” Grif’s mind goes blank for a second. His lips move on their own accord.

“You’re serious?”

“Yes?” He doesn’t look as embarrassed as Grif initially thought he would be.

“You’re serious.” Grif can feel the grin coming back. Something in his chest swells.

“Yes, Grif, oh my God!” And there it is, that red flush on his cheeks. It makes his freckles stand out more, his green eye just a little bit brighter. It’s a nice look on him in Grif’s professional opinion.

“Ho-ly shit.” Grif crosses the room in quick, short strides, and holds Simmons’ face in his hands. The pen drops to the floor. “You’re real. This is—” Grif breaks off in nervous laughter. The butterflies in his stomach feel more like a school of fish by the way it flips when Simmons smiles. It’s a little squashed by the way Grif is cupping his cheeks, but it’s a nice smile nonetheless. “Wow.”

For a moment, they just stare at each other in a mix of awe and shock. Simmons suddenly starts chuckling. His head falls onto Grif’s shoulder and wraps his long arms around his torso. “You’re really fucking thick headed sometimes, you know that?”

“Excuse me, sometimes? You should know me better by now. It’s all or nothing.” Grif’s brows furrow. “Hey, that reminds me, why did you go straight for… You know.” The words get stuck, even though he doesn’t reason for them to be anymore. “I— I’m in love with you? And not like, 'Hey, wanna go out?’ Not that I’m complaining, but still.” It felt so strange but so natural to say it out loud. To Simmons. Not a mirror, or a rock, or his hand. To Simmons.

“I— Hmm.” Simmons’ mouth twists in thought. Grif waits impatiently, but he can’t push anything right now, so he stays quiet. “I think… I was scared we wouldn’t have time for that stuff.”

“Dude, we spend so much time just sitting here. It’s always the Blues getting into shit.”

“Shut up, Grif, I’m trying to get this right.” He takes Grif’s hand in his robotic one, idly rubbing his thumb on Grif’s palm. “Anyways. We're— We’re always getting shot at, getting injured, and I was terrified that something would happen to you before I got the chance to say anything. One of us could die tomorrow and I didn’t want to live with that. Or die with that, I don’t know.

And it’s been about six years since I felt— Felt… Fuck it, liked you, and that’s a lot of time to have a 'crush’ on someone and I decided that it wasn’t the correct term anymore. And then more time passed, and uh. I realized about two years ago that I didn’t 'like’ you anymore. Not like that, I like you! A lot! I just. Yeah,” he finishes lamely. He bites his lip a bit as he looks apprehensively at Grif.

Grif knows his mouth has fallen open again. It takes him a few tries to get his words out. “I… I didn’t know you, um. You know.”

“Yeah, I know you didn’t know.”

Grif rolls his eyes. “Dude, you’re still really fucking cheesy for passing on that cornball message through cryptic notes.”

“Oh, like you could do any better!” Simmons drops his hand and pushes at him, but there’s no real force behind it. “You just keep referring to this as 'that’!”

“Is that a challenge?” Grifs grin gets bigger. “Hey. Hey, Simmons. Guess what.”

Simmons sighs. “What?”

“I love you.” Simmons instantly turn bright red and starts babbling nonsense. Grif takes that as a sign to keep going. “In fact, I am super in love with you. You—”

“Grif!” Simmons groans and he keeps slapping his hands at Grif’s chest, but that pleased smile betrays him. “Grif, stop it, oh my God—”

“You are my anchor to this wretched life. My cinnamon bun. My starlight on the darkest nights.”

Simmons seems torn between laughing and being annoyed. He ends up making a weird beeping sound that Grif will have to make fun of later because watching Simmons get all flustered was way more entertaining. “And since I love you so much—”

“Whatever you’re about to say, I don’t want to hear it!”

Grif holds him at arm’s length and puts on his best puppy face, with a pouty lip and everything. “Aw, but Simmons, my dearest, I was going to ask if you wanted to see a movie later! But I’ll have to find something else now.” He puts a wrist to his forehead. “Tragedy! My hard work and great efforts for the love of my life, ruined by the very same person! Oh, the irony!”

Simmons eyes him suspiciously. Then his brow shoots up to his hairline. “You were being serious?”

Grif drops his wrist back to his side. “Nah, not really. I don’t even know if this place even has a decent sized wall to project something on.”

“Oh,” Simmons says quietly. His shoulders slump a bit.

Grif frowns. “Wait, about the movie thing or the other thing, or the other other thing?”

“Er… All of them?” Simmons says uncertainly.

“Oh.” Oh. “Yeah, I’m, um, down for. That. I guess. I mean, sure, yeah, let’s do that. The movie. With just us.” There’s a pregnant pause. “And the other thing, yeah, kind of serious about that too.”

Simmons looks like he’s trying not to look too amused, but the relief is evident. “And that whole 'super in love’ spiel?”

“That too.”

That’s when Simmons leans down and kisses him. Not so hard it makes him dizzy, or so soft he’s chasing for more. It’s more careful if anything. As if to say, is this okay? And it’s so much more than just 'okay’, Grif can’t think of a word for it. A lump sticks in his throat, stealing away his next breath. He gasps lightly, and Simmons breaks away.

“So,” Simmons says slowly. His smile turns sheepish. “Uh. Sorry. I just— Yeah.”

“You should do that again,” Grif says quietly. They just stand there for a moment, waiting for the other to make the first move. Within a few seconds, Simmons huffs and pulls him in again.

There’s more confident this time, but a better-suited word would be clumsy. Their noses bump, neither of them knows how to shape their mouth, or where to put their lips. Their teeth graze each other enough to make Simmons hum, and Grif doesn’t know where to put his hands, so he just drops them to Simmons’ waist.

He never would trade it for anything else.

All rational thoughts are wiped away when Simmons’ hands move to the back of Grif’s neck, fingers idly wrapping themselves around stray strands of hair. He feels Simmons tilt his head a little bit, fitting their lips together better. He makes a pleased noise, and Simmons smiles against his mouth. His neck hurts a little from craning his head up, but Simmons was now pressing his lips all over Grif’s face, on his nose, just between his eyes, the corner of his mouth, on his mouth, again, and again, and again, so he can ignore it.

It fills his body with so many emotions at once because this, this right here is all he’s wanted. To be sure of something for once in his life, and to know he can have this. He can have Simmons here with him, and he can hold him when he’s upset instead of awkward shoulder patting, he can laugh for hours with him and finally look up at him with a smile without it becoming weird, he can kiss him to mess with him instead of making backhanded comments.

Certainty. That’s the thing he was missing this whole time.

“Y'know,” Simmons murmurs against his cheek. “I don’t see your hair down that much.”

Grif jerks back and sputters an incredulous laugh. “Really? We just started figuring out, like, half a lifetime’s worth of emotional constipation, and you’re thinking about my hair?”

“It’s nice!” Simmons says defensively. He finally steps away from Grif, arms crossed. Grif pretends to not notice how much that bothers him. “It’s… Nice. Also, please don’t talk about constipation when we’re making out.”

“'It’s nice.’ Thanks.” Grif rolls his eyes and goes to pull out the tie. His scalp was starting ache a bit anyway. Simmons’ fingers twitch slightly as he shakes it out and pushes it back from his face. Grif makes a quiet note of that for… Later.

Simmons lets out a heavy breath. “We’re still going to have to figure this… This,” he gestures vaguely, “out eventually.”

“Ugh. Do we have to?” Grif whines. “I think it’s fine right now. We can— We can come back to that later. You know what we’re going to have to do now? Take a kick-ass nap. Or make out more, can we do that?”

“I didn’t say now, dipshit. It’s just that years of experience plus Doc and Donut has told me that poor communication isn’t healthy.”

“Healthy,” Grif repeats. “Yeah, 'cause we’re just the best at being healthy.” They keep flat faces for a beat before they burst out laughing. Grif doubles over, barely registering Simmons using him as a support. He can hear the rare, tiny snorts that he knows Simmons hates, but right now it’s the most precious sound in the world.

“We are so shit at this,” Simmons manages before breaking down again. Grif wheezes in response.

“At least we’re consistent!” It takes another minute for them to calm down. Grif wipes a tear from his eye. “No, but seriously—” He breaks out into another fit of giggles. “Fuck, we’re gonna go and do the nap thing now. No,” Grif presses a finger to Simmons’ lips when he starts to protest. “They overwork us anyways. We can take breaks.”

“They don’t overwork you,” Simmons mumbles around his finger. “And I still have forms—”

“That other people can fill out themselves.” Grif grabs both of Simmons’ hands and tugs him towards his bed. He goes with barely any resistance, and they curl up on top of the covers. So much for needing to work.

It takes a few minutes of repositioning and a lot of repetition of the phrase, 'Move, jackass,’ but they manage. Simmons ends up with his chin resting on top of Grif’s head. His arm loops over Grif’s back to mess with the back of his hair again. He’s tucked against Simmons’ chest. There, he can hear the whirrs and clicks of all of the complicated parts that make him up. It’s strangely comforting.

Exhaustion hits him all at once. He hadn’t realized how late it was when he came in here. He inhales deeply into Simmons’ shirt. It still smells like vanilla for somehow. The scent reminds Grif of something, but he can’t remember what.

Simmons sighs, breath hot against his head. Giddiness pulses through Grif’s body again. In the span of Thank you.“

"For what?”

“For— You know what, forget it. I want to sleep.” Grif shrugs and scoots a bit closer.

“I’ll take that action.” Grif can feel Simmons chuckles bubble from his chest to his throat. He’s washed over again with sheer joy, and he shivers a bit. Simmons apparently takes this as him being cold because he pulls him into his chest a little more.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Something itches in the back of Grif’s mind.

“Guess you were right,” he murmurs.

“Wha’? 'bout wha’?” Simmons answers sleepily.

“Opposites do attract.”

Simmons makes a confused noise.“What’re you even sayin’?”

“Nothin’.” A minute of silence passes. “G'night, Simmons.”

“Goodnigh’, Grif.”

[emo-gofdoom]

8/12/17

X,

Did you ever think that maybe it wasn’t me that changed? Like just for a minute, I want you to stop and consider this. My two best friends that’ve known me forever both told me that I haven’t changed at all. In fact the only thing different about me at the moment is that I’m currently in a lot of pain for a plethora of reasons. I’m still a dork, never was really funny. But “depressed but didn’t want others to see”? You’re the one that asked me to open up and be completely honest with you, and now you don’t like what you see. I feel like the person that changed, was you. You’ve had a change of perspective since who knows when and because of that, you see me differently. Usually, in cases like this people call it “falling out of love”. And honestly if me being in pain makes you like me at all less, it tells me that you probably never really loved me in the first place. People that leave when you’re in pain are called “fair weather friends” because they leave when its not all bright and sunny. I understand that it may be unfair of me to bring this up because you did in fact stick around through a fair bit and help me through a lot, but I need you to understand that the change you see in me is caused by you. When you break up with someone, even if you intend on staying friends with them, you need to give them some space, especially since you have a thing for emo boys, who generally take every little thing and overthink it. Second, its not okay to get drunk a week later and text me “Baaaaaaaaaaaabbee” and then act offended when I remind you that you broke up with me. That hurt. Alot. And lastly this bullshit about me changing when the only thing different about me is that I lost someone that I trusted. And thats only the stuff hurting me that involves you. Theres a shit ton more. But the people thatve been by my side for a long time, like X, have said that i’m still the same. This is probably because theyve seen me in pain before. To put it simply, if you really think being in pain changes who i am, and if it really affects your ability to be my friend, then thats fine. Because I don’t need a friend thats gonna decide their sick of me as soon as im in a bad emotional state. Especially when said person dumped me, then proceeded to “forget" she dumped me at the same time as talk to my best friend about how shes gotten over me and is moving on. On top of that because you lied to me so much both while we were and before we were dating, I already find it next to impossible to trust you. Everything  with you is secrets riddles and lies. So go ahead and be fed up with me. It’ll make it easier for me to mend this shitty broken heart. I wonder if you’ve heard of one?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

X,

I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore, and I know for a fact we aren’t on speaking terms, but I know your going to read this, and I know your going to be fucking pissed that I posted it. But really you want to try and tell me that you’ve actually never lied to me. Never mind addressing the secrets and riddles and all the other bullshit. But you’re going to say that in all this time you’ve never lied to me. And instead of even trying to recover your only response is “Bye asshat”? I don’t care if this hurts you any more this is fucked up beyond belief. You think “I was drunk” is an okay excuse? You hurt me so bad that one of my followers tagged me in a post saying to cheer the fuck up. (@renownedmeme Idk if you know me irl or not cause idk who you are but you’re amazing) But now you’re making my best friend want to Kill Himself and when i tell you to leave him alone its “fuck you, bye asshat”? No, fuck you. You don’t get to do this. It’s not fair to me, and it’s sure as hell not fair to him. You’ve always told me I need to stand up for myself and what i believe so here i fucking am, i hope your proud of me. I love you. Ive said it a fucking million times. And thats probably never going to change. But this shit is Not okay and it needs to fucking stop. Half of the shit you say to me is negative, either in meaning or in wording. You say you care about me, but only when its to stop me from doing something you don’t want me to do. You didn’t even pause when you found out I fucking cut myself again and you want me to believe you care about me? And then, back to the first time this spiraled downhill, it doesn’t matter if your drunk, being drunk doesn’t make you forget something that happened several days beforehand, and then disregard the reminder of said event with a “So?” I fucking cried myself to sleep that night because of you. Not to mention the fact that when we broke up because your mom died, you were dating someone else a few days later. And that someone else was one of my best friends. Then the second time we were dating, right before it’d been three months, “Oh by the way right before we starting dating again I was about to date your other best friend” which doesnt help the fact that whenever you were out with me you were always texting that best friend every five seconds and when you eventually break up with me you blame it on me never talking to you. There have been times where I texted you “I love you” and two weeks later you respond with a fucking oops. So you can’t say I didn’t fucking try to talk to you. There are weeks of missed texts if you look for them, and they can’t even be missed you can’t ignore a notification on your phone for two weeks if your on that phone texting my best friend every day. And you want to know why I know the shit you tell him? Because I WAS WITH HIM FOR HALF OF IT HES MY BEST FRIEND. And so when he gets a text with my name in it he tells me. And now you’ve decided that I’ve changed. Tell me, X, How have I changed. Name one thing that you’ve noticed different about me, that can’t be directly linked to the pain and depression that a plethora of things are causing. Name one way I’m a different person. Not that you’d know, I doubt you even know my favorite color.

[polyesthher]

7/8/17: buy paramore’s after laughter

lol this is mostly me being emo tbh but support paramore ok

i’ve been itching to buy several things lately and idk if i really want them or it’s my depressive state that wants to feed the void with material possessions. i wanted to get a record player bc im definitely buying paramore’s after laughter on vinyl bc aesthetic and the actual record means a lot to me. since i listened to after laughter, i’ve become hooked on paramore tbh and all i want to do is lay around with hayley’s vocals singing into my ears and maybe cry a little. i only started getting into them during their self-titled phase so i’m not remotely attached to the “old” punk version of them. Fake happy is what really sold me on this album btw. It’s everything i want to say to people i’m no longer really close with. It does make me think about how i never want to see certain friend groups again because i’m just embarrassed about my whole existence and feel ok wit it. the line in fake happy that goes “please don’t ask me how I’ve been, don’t make me play pretend” is something that really gets to me. I have nothing in my life right now, other than family and one or two friends, that i genuinely care about and i feel like im at a dead end tbh. having to tell acquaintances/ old friends abt my sad ass life makes me want to scream and i feel like i hate myself even harder. and i always find myself telling half-truths, pretending like im not a failure. Hard times is another relevant jam that’s on repeat. It was the first song i heard off the album and made me check out the whole ep. even if it didn’t feel relevant to me, i’d still bop to it. the overall idea of the album to have cheery synth vibes with depressing ass lyrics gives me life. anyway, i’m not gonna ramble on about this anymore since no one’s gonna read this and i already know my own feelings abt this. 

but yeah, i also want the told u so t-shirt and cd bundle so im gonna wait for the vinyls to be released bc that pink marble record is calling out to me. and a tattoo, which i have a general vision of but im scared of the $$$. + i’m thinking abt moving to ny sometime next year too even tho im not going to FIT bc nj has nothing for me and i need to start living on my own, which means i need to save up. there’s also the last class that i need to take so that i can at least have an associate’s degree, which will def be a couple hundred. there’s also some skincare stuff i want like the eradikate spot solution and the boscia black luminizing mask (best in terms of peeling).

other meaningless tidbits in my mind:

ive been hating my art style even more lately but i still feel compelled to draw

bought a couple books to read even tho my commitment issues extends to reading as well

book related: i read motor crush vol 1 and i like it. babs is always great with the art and the writing is more exciting imo compared to the batgirl comics. snotgirl returned with issue 6 and the art is always pretty even if the plot is still a lil murky and unsatisfying. the plot of vol 1 was kinda messy and i disliked how it ended bc i dont even know if the arc was resolved or still continuing.i like bryan lee omalley’s writing so the writing isn’t something im not used to, i just feel like there’s so many mysteries building up and nothing that really resolves. there are some threads that were resolved in issue 6 (such as what happened in the bathroom with caroline) but another thread shows up in that resolution that has me going ??? Anyways i’ll still buy anything leslie hung does the art for so lmao my gripes aren’t dealbreakers

i went back to watch oitnb even with how pissed the ending of season 4 left me and i did not hate season 5...that much

kesha’s new song makes me so happy

watched baby driver today and i luv it. makes me want to watch more edgar wright and listen to the soundtrack 

i bought 5 bags of flamin hot ruffles bc im paranoid that it’ll be discontinued like the buffalo wing ruffles, which is the definition of overkill

i’ve been looking into gym memberships bc i want to start working out and lose weight seriously now. this is hilarious bc my diet is shit rn (see above). but im sick of not fitting into my old clothes and some new cute stuff i bought online (that i thought would fit). also i really want to lose the baby fat on my face bc seeing my potato face in the mirror really kills the confidence i have left

another thing that’s nagging me is the idea that i want to buy some things just bc those things would add into the image of a person i want to appear to be. it sounds weird but i feel like i want this costume of a person who’s cool for having hipster shit like a record player or colorful sunglasses. it doesn’t help that ppl on instagram make me insecure asf and want the things they have.

ive been trying to stop stalking certain ppl on instagram bc its v pathetic and tends to exacerbate my anxiety and spiral into a depressive hole. its not even like celebrities or anything, just ppl i used to know, which is extra creepy and sad.

this was mildly enjoyable and i think i might write more diary entries on here from now on. it’ll probably be under the polyesthher talks tag, if i remember bc im the worst with tags.

bye       

[xomaleriestar]

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit 

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child? 

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter. 

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never 

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!! 

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder 

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for  🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing 

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u

[icarus-tirade]

2.18.2020

So some context, it just hit 12.00AM on the dot! And now I suddenly can’t remember what I was gonna say- oh wait! Yes I can whoooo hooo! SO like I fucking LOVEEEEE letters. I dream of having a real, I don’t know you pen pal but I have like major helicopter parents and like what I consider severe anxiety. Not ‘What-I-consider-sever-anxiety’ because I’ve self-diagnosed. No ma’am I actually been diagnosed lol cool beans right? anyways asking questions is so fucking hard for me and I like actually hate it. It’s stopped me from asking about anti-anxiety and depression pills that my parents originally brought up. A story for another day. where was I?......uhhhh OH pen pals!! I want one! But like I love letters! I really ought to go to bed. I lowkey feel like I’m drifting away from friends I don’t want to drift away from. I feel like my best friend is becoming someone else’s best friend and that’s fine you can have more than one best friend, but I feel like while they become best friends our best friend-ship is like deteriorating (Oooh a big word go me!) so that kinda sucks, but imma just ride it out and see what happens yk? I should really ask about the anxiety thing. I don’t like the fact that I see my therapist every 2 weeks bc i think my parents think im ok when everything seems pretty good rn, but it seemed like that last time before I spiraled out and ended up in the ER again. So really I don’t know. I’ve been trying to put this into words for like FOREVER kinda happy that I’ve figured out how to now. THis post is ALLL over the place oops, but it’s like I started throwing up word vomit and now I’m rushing to get everything out because I’m worried that once it ends whatever I don’t say will be stuck inside until I have another moment like this again and who KNOWS when that will be. I certainly don’t. I feel like I got alot of things going on at once. I have a barely formed story idea that I’m excited for. I want to befriend this girl in my class but I’m scared because what if she’s more popular than I realize. (she’s nerdy but what if she’s out of my friendship league yk?!!) she can draw really cool, but idk who she hangs out with and im scared that her friends won't like me and think im weird and she’ll only want to be classmate friends and im being stupid by trying to reach out and be friends with her. ugh anxiety is a bitch right? literally about to cry because that’s the first symptom of my anxiety attack apparently. I want to get my grades together, they’re not terrible but like i have two C’s the other grades are A’s and B’s but the C’s are C’s because the class is hard not because I’m not turning in work or not trying. I want to talk to my friend about my problems but everyone has their own problems and im not trying to add to theirs. I’ve lost the passion to draw which sucks I hope it’s not tooooo tempory. I know a part of the reason is because the girl I want to befriend is WAY better at drawing than me, but I keep reminding myself that we both have different drawing styles and where hers is amazing and mine is cartoonish, it’s ok. Imma go to bed now but like AHHHHH yk? ending time: 12:15AM I wish someone read my rants and reached out to help me. I help others but sometimes I need help but I don’t want to burden anyone bc they need help too and that wouldn’t be fair to them.