#i think im depressed and spiralling again and idk if im gonna try to stop that either at this point

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[yosh-iro]

mfw i try to draw something but it looks like something i wouldve drawn when i was 12 when i havent drawn since i was 12

[thecrazyphantom]

Just some interactions that happened to me a couple of years ago.

The person I'm referring to is probably stalking my account as I post this 😕

(This is just a vent of mine, you can skip if you don't want to read it ❤️)

Btw both of us are Female(well idk what they are but they're afab)

I was so uncomfortable trying to respond to them saying this, let alone in response to my photo.

When they broke our friendship (In a very cringe way btw. I can elaborate if anyone asks) they told me how I "treated them horribly" even though I was the one who constantly just had to deal with their Bullshit when they texted me.

They'd also constantly oversexualize all the female characters I Roleplay/I like

Ex: Saying that Peko has (AND I LITERALLY QUOTE.) "phat juicy tits".

When we had a Simp channel in our Discord server That was Yk... Dedicated to fictional characters.. or people in their class they thought were pretty. They posted a photo into it of Me in a Byakuya Cosplay looking down at the camera and then started going on and on about how they'd give me everything they owned and such and it made me so uncomfortable that I couldn't even response logically so i just sent "<3" and didn't respond to the text.

They would also talk constantly about their AUs and stuff about The Cuphead show. I rlly did like a lot of what they talked about since I liked Cuphead the Game and have a very open mind to others Aus. But the thing was was that I had openly talked about how I didnt want to watch the Cuphead show because I just didn't like the voice acting ((Well they've got good voice acting, good Animation, and funny plots , but I just don't think the Cuphead cast should have voices. But I did watch the show after all this, and it was pretty good)). But i just remember that one day I was getting tired of them talking about Cuphead and I texted them "I don't mean to be rude but can you stop sending Cuphead content? You're slowly making me dislike it 😕" (that's the exact quote), and then they got annoyed and was like "that was the only direct cuphead thing I've sent" And I ofc denied that bc I don't rlly loose interest in things through only one message unless it's controversial. And I wasn't gonna deal with pulling up all that evidence so I just said "Omfg *name*" "Nah I'm done with discord" and they instantly started to "im so sorry" bomb but I told them I wouldn't talk to them until I calmed down bc I was just pretty grouchy at the moment. When I came back I sent some words abt me calming myself down again, then said "I apologize for my outburst". And bam we were somehow friends again????

What was even worse was that they did this all in front of our mutual friend (well at the time it was mutual, now they're just my friend ^_^) that they were at the time dating.

(I don't even remember if they sent more cuphead and I'm not even gonna dig for it)

All I know is that that could've been easily resolved by either just saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry I'll try to send them less" or even being like "Cuphead is my Hyperfixation, just like how your hyperfixation is Danganronpa"

They'd also text the gc that me and my friend were in that they were going to commit Slick-a-Slide and then disappear for weeks on end. So ofc me and my friend would be worried and get in a depressive state because we were under the false narrative that they Unalived, just for them to come back after a while and just brush it off. Each time we asked if they were okay they would always be like "Yeah Sorry my mom just took away my phone." And for a while I started to speculate that they were just in a Mental hospital but they never mentioned it (and they Kinda told us EVERYTHING that happens in their life/day/week.) So not only were they treating me wrong, they were dragging my friend into it and Worrying them. (This happened multiple times while they were dating, so I can't even imagine the levels of depression that could've spiraled my friend into. Like having to hear your lover say they were going to commit, then go offline for a long time, is actually petrifying.)

This is a small one but I also remember that a couple weeks or months before they broke ties with me, We were in a server with all of their friends (+my friend and I), they texted the public channel asking if anyone wanted to call, and when I said that I was down to call that literally responded something along the lines of "someone who isn't Phantom" and then they kicked me shortly after I responded with a sad emoji. That made me lose all left over respect I had for them. My friend confronted them on how that wasn't too nice to say, and then they got kicked too.

Also this is off track but imma bring it up since I'm currently obsessed with Korekiyo, but the way they Roleplayed Korekiyo made him seem like he's some Holier than thou character that could pretty much read minds and just tell what they were doing prior ((for example a character could make and excuse to walk off to give something to someone they're currently seeing and come back to Korekiyo and they'd respond "Oh were you giving something to *name*?")). Idk this just made me not like Korekiyo for a while after they broke ties with me.

Anyways that's all my ranting for now. Pip, Ace, whatever you're going by rn. If you see this, please get off my page, for you've made me dread each second and more that you've talked to me ;) ❤️

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[littlelovelymemes]

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[meatcritter]

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 people

i was tagged by @libraah like 2 months ago n i totally forgot abt this until now. idk them but I hope life’s been treating them well since then lol

nicknames: the ones based on my name are mostly livvy/ollie, but my parents call me chickie/buttercup

gender: female

sign: capricorn

height: 5′7″ and counting

time: 8:56 pm im procrastinating my homework let me live

birthday: new years eve which means i never have school on my birthday so thats dope

favorite bands: pentatonix was my first favorite and also the first concert i ever went to but i also like a fair amount of p!atd stuff plus some of little mix’s songs are highkey slaps (thx @serendpities for introducing me u a real one)

favorite solo artists: dodie!!!!! also hozier and sam smith

song stuck in my head: papaoutai by stromae. its in french and i dont know french and im going to give myself a hernia

last movie i watched: harry potter and the chamber of secrets

last show i watched: parks and recreation

when did i create this blog: i think it was december 2016/january 2017 anyway i immediately drop kicked myself into a depressive spiral n we still here bitc whats up

what did i last google: “amazon ukulele” bc im tryna learn an instrument while my brains still growing

other blogs: uhhh @wheat-free-thins was the one i made in like 2014 and immediately forgot my password to. theres maybe 5 posts on there

do i get asks: nah but id like to lol if anyone wants to ask or chat hmu i like makin friends and im nice

following: 422, mostly art accounts

followers: counting bots i have 21 but otherwise i think its like 14-17 i love y’all

average hours of sleep: 6 or less i just cant sleep longer than that idk man 

lucky number: i dont have a lucky number but i like 8 and 31

instruments: i quit piano after 2 years and my mom told me to quit trumpet bc i sucked lol so now im trying again w ukulele bc its a) cute as h*ck and b) fairly easy to pick up

what am i wearing: camo men’s joggers w/ a xxl mens tshirt wrapped in a comforter for warmth bc its like 53 degrees in my room i love new york winter

dream job: im the worst artist to live on this b***ch of an earth but i think animation is sick. ive been into stop motion n all that since before i started school. realistically i think id like to be a marine biologist but that could change who knows

last book i read: the house on mango street

favorite food: pancakes. am i valid yet

3 favorite fandoms: stranger things, harry potter, and i cant think of another

im gonna tag @celfi @chainedcoffin @slutofshakespeare and anyone who wants to do this y’all are valid and i support you

[roaringfuck]

idek what to wrote so im shit posting but i have a lot of feelings rn thst are difficult to navigate like i like this girl shes my best fried. i have a history of liking ppl but their infatuations not genuine and i, this iscommon but it makes me feel like a bad personso i got caught up in thinking am ia bad person for liking her? also she was straight so i jever consideredit and them she stopped being straight and my crush developed and thne i told some friends abt it and i was excited to likeher and whatever then the whole infwtuation thing? and i was like no its not an infatuation bc i rlly just wanna soend time w her. for background i also dont ever confesscuzi did once and super embarrassing and im prideful but also like what if i destroy our current relationship over something thatll never come to be but then also like its not fairof me to sayitll necerr cometo be, ik its unfair of me to do this bc im essentially just making myself feel like shit inthis sick peeudo masterbatory fself flagellating thungwhere i like someone and its oure then my brain attacksitself and sshames itself for having deelings and makes it thinkits doing somethjng wrong and i never just tell the person and give them agency over their feelings bc pf two things: a) i like to suffer in the disappointment of the unknown? like ill sit here and beat myself up saying theyll never kike me bci suck and im fat and ugly and horrible and bad personality or whatever but essentially im weaponizing my crush against myself as a formof self harm and also bc b) very genuinely i dont wanna get rejected and chanheour relationship bc i doe uinely love this person. which cotnradicts all the ugly things in part a but bc of my gross oldy heart and crippled ego and sense of self worth and literally cant let myself feel anything wholesome without casting it in some dark light and lying to myself and telling me i am swxretly evil when im not?? but i also am scared bc what if i am?? and i just cant tell???? so the. i just keep floating in limbo hating myself over and over but quietly so as to not indulge in it (bc i rlly am trying to be kinder to myself but its hard) until one day ilook up and everything has passed me by andim not the same person nd neither are they and im wasting my time and i dont simply dont wanna feel like that anymore and 8 simply dont want to feel anymore so i turn off my feelings, hsving sampled the woes of unrequited love and deciding its notthe life i wanna live right now,maybe my time will come (god i hope i wish i dream my time for love and peace and happiness will come) but until then im gonna vibe out and sneer at men and just keep doing that but also i fear i will grow old and bitter and alone and ugly and hateful. bc i. ery well could. and honestly im a piece of shit most of the time so its probably what i deserve (even if its jsut what i deserve flr not having faith i wont be happy lol) to live my life like that. idk. depression i weird bc udont feel alive but i know im gonna keep living. i usually have some hope that eventually i wont feel sad anymore but every once in a while i wonder, what if this never stops and i always feel empty and create drsma internally sp i can beat myself up over my insufficiency just to feel something until i go numb again. and that paralyzes me like i cant imagine forever feeling like this. but time movesso fast im not gonna ahave to time dig myself out beforeive grown tookld to recover and that makes me wanna die sometimes. idk how i got here from ranting sbt my crush but wild how u spiral soemtimes 🤪🤪🤪 but theres also an important part of me where my feelings arent invalid. i gaslight myself a lot and tell myself i talked myself into this crush to hurt my feelings but like no im not entirely corrupted i have feelings im a person a complex person aand im not alone in my dilemmas and im not a bad person but its hard to remember that sometimes when ur brain is set to self destruct. anyways. i do have a crush on her and she p much told me abt this other girl she was interested in and also abt a guy she

used to flirt with and has been subtweeting abt a gilr on twitter she likes and i just.

really wish she was talking ant me. i wish one day she would say hey ive geen meaning to say... i wish she would hold my hand and smile at me and feel butterfkies when she sees me and i wish i could play with her fingers and sit in her car and talk for hours. and its ok rthat we arent and probably wont and i will be thrilled for her whoever she ends up with ofc bc i love her v dearly. and i know she loves me very dearly and wishes the same thing for me. i just wish we were actually wishing for the same thing

[book-tease]

Spiralling + Thoughts...Spiralling Thoughts?

This post is long, it runs on and doesn't really make all that sense. I wrote this in word, and was just gonna save it to my computer but idk i kinda wanted to post it. im thirsty for attention, i know. But its really kinda sad and depressing. I wrote this about an hour ago? I was sitting in my room, with music quietly playing in the backround and i started thinking and my way to help me not be swallowed whole by my thoughts is to either write it all down or type it all out. so, i wrote this big chunk of text, well, in my teary eyed vision i did put spaces in between paragraphs but idk if the separations make all that sense. This was written while i was trying not to spiral so again, it runs on and doesn't make any sense whatsoever. it does include riverdale, weirdly enough. Basically me saying how betty this season hit wayy close to home in a way so its kinda messing with me, in both a good and bad way. Its unedited, i just copied and pastes all of this here. so theres sooooo many spelling mistakes. so fucking many. so i guess if you want, read it.

So, im gonna start off by saying im really bad at talking to people. I cant continue conversations with new peoplem can barely do it with people ive known most of my life. So while everyone else is meeting new poeple, going to football games and shit, im sitting at home, watcing youtube and being too scared to ask people to hang out. But, that means that i get attatched to tv shows, youtubers, etc. And i joing fandoms whithout personally talking to people? Like i dont usually dm people, i sometimes put stuff in their ask box, mostly anonymously. Like, if i have fandom friends, or just friends in genral, theyve come to me, seeked out a friendship with me and put up wiht me just giving up on conversation when im too nervous to say what i want to. So i cna’t really rant about what happened in riverdale, or youtube drama or soemthing, so to let out my frustration with a charatcer, i write a slew of incoherent thoights in a word doc ument or something. (literally what im doing rn)

I bottle up things a lot. It hurts me in ways that i cant really describe? Like ill just sleep all day, and feel like im failing evrything and just cry al day the next day. its a problem im trying to fix, but idk how to tell people what im feeling without seeming like im seeking attention (well, in a way i am, just not in a ‘EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT ME” type of way) or that im faking it. So, i bottle shit up. anyways, so when things hapen in tv shows that im attacthced to, i mix up feelings from just my problems and the how i feel about what happens in a tv show. 

When bughead broke up, i didnt cry that much when i was watching RIverdale, but more so afterwards. Riverdale genuinally helps me in  acouple ways. Its a source of entertainmemnt, so that, and a distraction from real life bullshit. it also kinda touches on issues i relate to and have strong feelings about.Like betty having a dark version of herself, and the digging her nails into her palms. ust betty in general i kinda relate to. But what i love about betty is that she has people to support her, has people who love her. Yea, her mom is super overbearing and her opinions on some thing kinda suck, but she loves her daughters. Me, i dont really have any friends to support me, and a lot of people online are like “i ahve no friends lol” and in rality they either have a nbunch of friends or have friends, just not that many. I have people who i talk to but arent relaly friends? like i dont talk to them about me or my issues or anything like that. i dont really talk to my brother, granted im scared of him  because of past tjings but.. My dad i just cant. I dont have a boyfriend or girlfriend, a best friend. I dont really ahve anyone like betty does? but its not really oter peoples faults.its kinda my fault because starting in 7th grade,  i slowly started to pull away from people. i stopped trying to amke friends, stopped talking to my already existing friends as much, distanced myself from everyone. I didnt really notice i was doing it either. When i finally realized it, it was like june this year, and i didnt know what to do. I dont know what to do.

and when the black hood started making betty distance ehrself from people, subtly but not really, it hits really close to home. Granted, i dont ahve a serial killer calling me telling me my friends are all sinners, but in a way im my own kind of black hood. It just, wehn betty had archie break up with jughead, it was kinda alot for me. WHile she technically still ahs archie and veronica, its kinda hanging by a thread. Riverdale season 2 hits a little too close to home, and it ahs made me cry a lot more than i care to admit. 

[emo-gofdoom]

8/12/17

X,

Did you ever think that maybe it wasn’t me that changed? Like just for a minute, I want you to stop and consider this. My two best friends that’ve known me forever both told me that I haven’t changed at all. In fact the only thing different about me at the moment is that I’m currently in a lot of pain for a plethora of reasons. I’m still a dork, never was really funny. But “depressed but didn’t want others to see”? You’re the one that asked me to open up and be completely honest with you, and now you don’t like what you see. I feel like the person that changed, was you. You’ve had a change of perspective since who knows when and because of that, you see me differently. Usually, in cases like this people call it “falling out of love”. And honestly if me being in pain makes you like me at all less, it tells me that you probably never really loved me in the first place. People that leave when you’re in pain are called “fair weather friends” because they leave when its not all bright and sunny. I understand that it may be unfair of me to bring this up because you did in fact stick around through a fair bit and help me through a lot, but I need you to understand that the change you see in me is caused by you. When you break up with someone, even if you intend on staying friends with them, you need to give them some space, especially since you have a thing for emo boys, who generally take every little thing and overthink it. Second, its not okay to get drunk a week later and text me “Baaaaaaaaaaaabbee” and then act offended when I remind you that you broke up with me. That hurt. Alot. And lastly this bullshit about me changing when the only thing different about me is that I lost someone that I trusted. And thats only the stuff hurting me that involves you. Theres a shit ton more. But the people thatve been by my side for a long time, like X, have said that i’m still the same. This is probably because theyve seen me in pain before. To put it simply, if you really think being in pain changes who i am, and if it really affects your ability to be my friend, then thats fine. Because I don’t need a friend thats gonna decide their sick of me as soon as im in a bad emotional state. Especially when said person dumped me, then proceeded to “forget" she dumped me at the same time as talk to my best friend about how shes gotten over me and is moving on. On top of that because you lied to me so much both while we were and before we were dating, I already find it next to impossible to trust you. Everything  with you is secrets riddles and lies. So go ahead and be fed up with me. It’ll make it easier for me to mend this shitty broken heart. I wonder if you’ve heard of one?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

X,

I don’t know what you’re thinking anymore, and I know for a fact we aren’t on speaking terms, but I know your going to read this, and I know your going to be fucking pissed that I posted it. But really you want to try and tell me that you’ve actually never lied to me. Never mind addressing the secrets and riddles and all the other bullshit. But you’re going to say that in all this time you’ve never lied to me. And instead of even trying to recover your only response is “Bye asshat”? I don’t care if this hurts you any more this is fucked up beyond belief. You think “I was drunk” is an okay excuse? You hurt me so bad that one of my followers tagged me in a post saying to cheer the fuck up. (@renownedmeme Idk if you know me irl or not cause idk who you are but you’re amazing) But now you’re making my best friend want to Kill Himself and when i tell you to leave him alone its “fuck you, bye asshat”? No, fuck you. You don’t get to do this. It’s not fair to me, and it’s sure as hell not fair to him. You’ve always told me I need to stand up for myself and what i believe so here i fucking am, i hope your proud of me. I love you. Ive said it a fucking million times. And thats probably never going to change. But this shit is Not okay and it needs to fucking stop. Half of the shit you say to me is negative, either in meaning or in wording. You say you care about me, but only when its to stop me from doing something you don’t want me to do. You didn’t even pause when you found out I fucking cut myself again and you want me to believe you care about me? And then, back to the first time this spiraled downhill, it doesn’t matter if your drunk, being drunk doesn’t make you forget something that happened several days beforehand, and then disregard the reminder of said event with a “So?” I fucking cried myself to sleep that night because of you. Not to mention the fact that when we broke up because your mom died, you were dating someone else a few days later. And that someone else was one of my best friends. Then the second time we were dating, right before it’d been three months, “Oh by the way right before we starting dating again I was about to date your other best friend” which doesnt help the fact that whenever you were out with me you were always texting that best friend every five seconds and when you eventually break up with me you blame it on me never talking to you. There have been times where I texted you “I love you” and two weeks later you respond with a fucking oops. So you can’t say I didn’t fucking try to talk to you. There are weeks of missed texts if you look for them, and they can’t even be missed you can’t ignore a notification on your phone for two weeks if your on that phone texting my best friend every day. And you want to know why I know the shit you tell him? Because I WAS WITH HIM FOR HALF OF IT HES MY BEST FRIEND. And so when he gets a text with my name in it he tells me. And now you’ve decided that I’ve changed. Tell me, X, How have I changed. Name one thing that you’ve noticed different about me, that can’t be directly linked to the pain and depression that a plethora of things are causing. Name one way I’m a different person. Not that you’d know, I doubt you even know my favorite color.

[polyesthher]

7/8/17: buy paramore’s after laughter

lol this is mostly me being emo tbh but support paramore ok

i’ve been itching to buy several things lately and idk if i really want them or it’s my depressive state that wants to feed the void with material possessions. i wanted to get a record player bc im definitely buying paramore’s after laughter on vinyl bc aesthetic and the actual record means a lot to me. since i listened to after laughter, i’ve become hooked on paramore tbh and all i want to do is lay around with hayley’s vocals singing into my ears and maybe cry a little. i only started getting into them during their self-titled phase so i’m not remotely attached to the “old” punk version of them. Fake happy is what really sold me on this album btw. It’s everything i want to say to people i’m no longer really close with. It does make me think about how i never want to see certain friend groups again because i’m just embarrassed about my whole existence and feel ok wit it. the line in fake happy that goes “please don’t ask me how I’ve been, don’t make me play pretend” is something that really gets to me. I have nothing in my life right now, other than family and one or two friends, that i genuinely care about and i feel like im at a dead end tbh. having to tell acquaintances/ old friends abt my sad ass life makes me want to scream and i feel like i hate myself even harder. and i always find myself telling half-truths, pretending like im not a failure. Hard times is another relevant jam that’s on repeat. It was the first song i heard off the album and made me check out the whole ep. even if it didn’t feel relevant to me, i’d still bop to it. the overall idea of the album to have cheery synth vibes with depressing ass lyrics gives me life. anyway, i’m not gonna ramble on about this anymore since no one’s gonna read this and i already know my own feelings abt this. 

but yeah, i also want the told u so t-shirt and cd bundle so im gonna wait for the vinyls to be released bc that pink marble record is calling out to me. and a tattoo, which i have a general vision of but im scared of the $$$. + i’m thinking abt moving to ny sometime next year too even tho im not going to FIT bc nj has nothing for me and i need to start living on my own, which means i need to save up. there’s also the last class that i need to take so that i can at least have an associate’s degree, which will def be a couple hundred. there’s also some skincare stuff i want like the eradikate spot solution and the boscia black luminizing mask (best in terms of peeling).

other meaningless tidbits in my mind:

ive been hating my art style even more lately but i still feel compelled to draw

bought a couple books to read even tho my commitment issues extends to reading as well

book related: i read motor crush vol 1 and i like it. babs is always great with the art and the writing is more exciting imo compared to the batgirl comics. snotgirl returned with issue 6 and the art is always pretty even if the plot is still a lil murky and unsatisfying. the plot of vol 1 was kinda messy and i disliked how it ended bc i dont even know if the arc was resolved or still continuing.i like bryan lee omalley’s writing so the writing isn’t something im not used to, i just feel like there’s so many mysteries building up and nothing that really resolves. there are some threads that were resolved in issue 6 (such as what happened in the bathroom with caroline) but another thread shows up in that resolution that has me going ??? Anyways i’ll still buy anything leslie hung does the art for so lmao my gripes aren’t dealbreakers

i went back to watch oitnb even with how pissed the ending of season 4 left me and i did not hate season 5...that much

kesha’s new song makes me so happy

watched baby driver today and i luv it. makes me want to watch more edgar wright and listen to the soundtrack 

i bought 5 bags of flamin hot ruffles bc im paranoid that it’ll be discontinued like the buffalo wing ruffles, which is the definition of overkill

i’ve been looking into gym memberships bc i want to start working out and lose weight seriously now. this is hilarious bc my diet is shit rn (see above). but im sick of not fitting into my old clothes and some new cute stuff i bought online (that i thought would fit). also i really want to lose the baby fat on my face bc seeing my potato face in the mirror really kills the confidence i have left

another thing that’s nagging me is the idea that i want to buy some things just bc those things would add into the image of a person i want to appear to be. it sounds weird but i feel like i want this costume of a person who’s cool for having hipster shit like a record player or colorful sunglasses. it doesn’t help that ppl on instagram make me insecure asf and want the things they have.

ive been trying to stop stalking certain ppl on instagram bc its v pathetic and tends to exacerbate my anxiety and spiral into a depressive hole. its not even like celebrities or anything, just ppl i used to know, which is extra creepy and sad.

this was mildly enjoyable and i think i might write more diary entries on here from now on. it’ll probably be under the polyesthher talks tag, if i remember bc im the worst with tags.

bye       

[xomaleriestar]

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit 

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child? 

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter. 

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never 

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!! 

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder 

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for  🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing 

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u

[icarus-tirade]

2.18.2020

So some context, it just hit 12.00AM on the dot! And now I suddenly can’t remember what I was gonna say- oh wait! Yes I can whoooo hooo! SO like I fucking LOVEEEEE letters. I dream of having a real, I don’t know you pen pal but I have like major helicopter parents and like what I consider severe anxiety. Not ‘What-I-consider-sever-anxiety’ because I’ve self-diagnosed. No ma’am I actually been diagnosed lol cool beans right? anyways asking questions is so fucking hard for me and I like actually hate it. It’s stopped me from asking about anti-anxiety and depression pills that my parents originally brought up. A story for another day. where was I?......uhhhh OH pen pals!! I want one! But like I love letters! I really ought to go to bed. I lowkey feel like I’m drifting away from friends I don’t want to drift away from. I feel like my best friend is becoming someone else’s best friend and that’s fine you can have more than one best friend, but I feel like while they become best friends our best friend-ship is like deteriorating (Oooh a big word go me!) so that kinda sucks, but imma just ride it out and see what happens yk? I should really ask about the anxiety thing. I don’t like the fact that I see my therapist every 2 weeks bc i think my parents think im ok when everything seems pretty good rn, but it seemed like that last time before I spiraled out and ended up in the ER again. So really I don’t know. I’ve been trying to put this into words for like FOREVER kinda happy that I’ve figured out how to now. THis post is ALLL over the place oops, but it’s like I started throwing up word vomit and now I’m rushing to get everything out because I’m worried that once it ends whatever I don’t say will be stuck inside until I have another moment like this again and who KNOWS when that will be. I certainly don’t. I feel like I got alot of things going on at once. I have a barely formed story idea that I’m excited for. I want to befriend this girl in my class but I’m scared because what if she’s more popular than I realize. (she’s nerdy but what if she’s out of my friendship league yk?!!) she can draw really cool, but idk who she hangs out with and im scared that her friends won't like me and think im weird and she’ll only want to be classmate friends and im being stupid by trying to reach out and be friends with her. ugh anxiety is a bitch right? literally about to cry because that’s the first symptom of my anxiety attack apparently. I want to get my grades together, they’re not terrible but like i have two C’s the other grades are A’s and B’s but the C’s are C’s because the class is hard not because I’m not turning in work or not trying. I want to talk to my friend about my problems but everyone has their own problems and im not trying to add to theirs. I’ve lost the passion to draw which sucks I hope it’s not tooooo tempory. I know a part of the reason is because the girl I want to befriend is WAY better at drawing than me, but I keep reminding myself that we both have different drawing styles and where hers is amazing and mine is cartoonish, it’s ok. Imma go to bed now but like AHHHHH yk? ending time: 12:15AM I wish someone read my rants and reached out to help me. I help others but sometimes I need help but I don’t want to burden anyone bc they need help too and that wouldn’t be fair to them.

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

[grimmthought-blog]

MAD

fuck what did i do, i honestly hope you never get to read this cos im gonna talk a lotta shit about myself and maybe even a little about u. i cant believe i actually got to this i feel so bad to be honest. idk why i called this mad but im mad like literally crazy and im mad at myself for doing this to u. i cant believe i was too blinded by the whole thing and thats the only thing i focused on. this may sound fucked up but i do hope u break up with me if i spiral like that again. u dont fucking deserve that shit baby u can do so much better than me,,, once again idk why u even w me,,,,,,,im not a 10 so i have to be perfect personality wise to make up for it. BUT IM NOT MAKING UP FOR IT LMFAO!!!! i want u to break up w me,, yes i said it..,,..,..,wa=wefsdhvhudsv=- cos im so shit for u,,, i feel like im holding u back and u dont wanna do certain things cos of me and thats so TOXIC i hate it i hate myself so mucj. its gonna be so hard to bounce back to being “comfortable” to “how i started w u” I like how i was when we first started but i feel like that was me letting shit slide w girls and i also feel like thats all we ever fight about and yes at least 99% is just me over reacting but u do fuel me up for it and talk about ur exes or some shit. like yes u stopped doing that which feels so great for me u dont even kno. and i kno this is probably so different for u like in any relationship you’ve had and im sorry im so difficult and different,,,.,. not the gay shit like im ur unique relationship, cos lmfao im probably ur worst yet most intense one. and i mean that both ways loving each other so intensely but ALSO fighting so intensely with u. i fucken wanna kill myself everytime we fight because were so alike in some ways,, a lot of ways really, like u said we both have too much pride and stubbornness and its funny to a certain point but i know i get to u and u get to me. ill change for you and i really mean that. ill make myself go thru that to make u happy. ill let shit slide and just think that u love me and ur “cement and not going anywhere”. my thoughts are always so conflicting and im scared im jsut gonna explode and get depressed or some shit cos i feel like im halfway there anyway. but i dont care cos ill do that for u. ive done too much to u to be selfish about myself. imma make myself endure shit like it doesnt phase me but ill do that for u cos ur the only person i like doing shit for. ur literally the only one i can think of who i will voluntarily put first before myself. this isnt said with any sarcasm at all i promise u. but i promise u im learning and im tryinb im so sorry im really fucking bipolar and crazy and im scared the reason we’ll break up would be cos of me and it probably will be if it were to happen. im always thinking about u i swear it and i love u so much to keep hurting u. so i guess id rather hurt myself in a sense, rather than hurt u. i cant believe i got to this and im truly sorry cos i hate myself even more. i love u dude, we made too many plans and promises to let this all go. and im just telling myself this. ill try to be a little more confident but in all honesty i just think i cant be confident cos im not in the right place to be,,,, u think that u being w me made me feel confident about myself??? cos i got a mans now??? idk how i did it but i just got lucky it doesnt mean aything if someone has a boyfriend, it just means they got a boyfriend lmfao u dont have to be pretty to get a mans and u probably dont mean it that way  but u kno just sayin,,,, i honesly just get mostly hurt when u joke about HEAUX  and shit like ok im right here!!!! i dont even joke about htat shit cos i cant! u can! but doesnt mean u should... it hurts baby it really does but like i said,,, im truly willing to hurt myself than to hurt u,,, u must be thinking i need some fuckin hobby or some shit as an outlet but ill think of somethin ill find soemthing and everytime u say shit like that or just bring up a girl my crzy ass will just think of the times u say I love you to me and think of the plans and promises u  told me and thatll be enough i swear it..... i love u with everything i have and im sorry u got offended if u ever got to read this....... ur my fucken heart i cant do life without u and im not gonna let u go so easy..... once again im so fuckiing sorry and if u cant promise to break up with me if i put u through bullshit then i will

i promise that if i hurt u like that again, ill just leave. because thats the best thing for u and u kno it.... if ur scared to leave me then i will because i dont deserve u one bit if i even think about doing that to u.... theres no promises about me spiralling so im saying this now. if i do it again and u dont leave me, ill leave u..........................im sorry but for the time being, i love u greatly and i wish i never became like thisss im sorry im so fucked up bywe