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kirathehyrulian · 5 years ago

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| Auction | GOFUNDME | Banner’s Artist: @quickreaver | *Donations can also be made to Milana’s paypal: [email protected] *

ATTENTION FELLOW FANDOM COMMUNITIES!!!!

START YOUR BIDDING NOW!!!

🔔It only lasts until Oct. 7th!!!🔔

This Auction is open to all Fandoms!!! And, you don’t even need an LJ account to bid!!!! Plus, it’s for a good cause!!!

This auction is raising money for a beloved writer and beta reader from the Supernatural and White Collar fandoms who is in dire circumstances. Unfortunately, this year Milana had to have one of her feet amputated due to an unexpected illness that violently progressed. Her significant medical bills from surgery and rehab are compounded by her having been in the middle of moving cross-country. (For more information on Milana’s circumstances please visit her gofundme page)

How to bid in this LJ Auction: •Please respond directly to the comment by the fanwork-maker located in the comments on the auction page. •If someone has already bid on your item, you may reply to the previous bidder's comment and offer a larger amount. On Tuesday, October 8th, the mods will contact the winners and send you the info on how to make your donation. Once your donation is confirmed (receipt or screenshot), your fanwork-maker will be informed. •Please leave contact info in the Auctions page so the auction's mods can get in touch with you: you may leave your email ID in your comment or specify whether you'd like to be contacted via LJ PM instead.

How to make good on your winning bid: •You can make your payment to EITHER the Go Fund Me OR to Milana's Paypal account: [email protected]. Once payment has been made, send a screenshot (blurring/blacking out any sensitive information) to either [email protected] or [email protected] •Ash and Fire will check off that you have concluded your payment and notify your seller that they are now free to create for you, or ship your item to you. If you have any questions, please post them under the FIRST comment on the Auction’s Page. Please, reserve that comment for questions only.♥

(To get to the auction please click the auction link or the image above)

(Psst! If you want a sneak peek at all the Fic, Art, and Craft offers listed in the auction, click the Keep reading link below.👇)

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Keep in mind the listings below have been edited for your convenience. The order in this post will not always match the order listed in the auction (the leaderboard is more accurate). Please tell me if there is a mistake or if any of the links don’t work and I will try to fix it.

Also keep in mind, you do not bid here. You must bid on the LJ auction page for your bid to be recognized.

♥No more offers can be posted in the auction after Sunday 9/29 midnight EST. The final week will be for bidding only.♥

📚📝FIC OFFERS📝📚

Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

•User Name:blackrabbit42 What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: Supernatural, J2 AU, Good Omens, Harry Potter, Doctor Who. I’ve only ever written for SPN, but I could do a Gen for any other of these if wanted. Likes: fics with a twist on reality. Darkfic, fluff, crack, pwp, Squicks/Dislikes: Original characters. Characters who intrude on my OTP Minimum bid: Fic for $10 per 1 k up to 6K.

•User Name: tammyrenh What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: A03 Fandoms: spn, spn rpf Likes: Gen, slash, h/c, ABO Squicks/Dislikes: underage, hardcore BDSM. water sports, scat Minimum bid: $10 for 1k up to whatever. My muse is long winded

•User Name: blackrose_17 What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: SPN RPF, SPN, MCU, Torchwood, DC, Doctor Who Likes: AU, Crossovers, fluff, mpreg, a/o/b, J2, J3, Sam crossover pairings, Wincest, bottom!Sam/Jared, Stony, Tony Stark centered fics, Ianto Jones centered fics, Tim Drake centered fics Squicks/Dislikes: Extreme kinks, hardcore BDSM, rape, non-con, I sadly can not write Destiel, Cockles, Sabriel or Lucifer/Sam Minimum bid: Fic for $10 per 1k up to 10k

•User Name: phoenix1966 What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural, J2 AU Likes: Wincest, J2, I'm a bottom!Sam/Jared fan Squicks/Dislikes: Destiel, Cockles, scat, watersports, infintalism, extreme underage, bottom!Dean/Jensen, het, bestiality, reader inserts, deathfic, J2 Non-AU Minimum bid: Fic for $10 per 1k up to 10k Creator Notes: (Please understand I will not be able to start on your story until January at the earliest.)

•User Name: monicawoe What I'm offering: fic (1k-3k) Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: spn, venom, mcu (mainly Stucky), hannibal Likes: gen fic, for SPN: powers!Sam, any Sam-centric fics, Sam/Brady, Sam/Ruby; Eddie/Venom; for MCU: Bucky-centric fics; crossovers combining the fandoms I listed Squicks/Dislikes: will not write Destiel or spn fic not featuring Sam; explicit stories Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: sweetheartdean What I'm offering: short fic (1-5K, depends on how my muse feels) Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: SPN/SPN RPF Likes: Sam and Dean, together and separately. Love writing gen about the brothers. But I'm cool with writing anything involving at least one of them except... Squicks/Dislikes: Underage, fluff, Sabriel, fluffy Samifer, Saileen, not great at for-the-sake-of-a-specific kink PWPs (but will write NSFW in general!) Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: candygramme What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms:J2 AU, crossovers with any other show (to be discussed with bidder) Likes: Slash or gen. I'll try crossover with your other fandom. Will write pretty much anything you want including kink. I love to write crack, but I can go dark. Squicks/Dislikes: Don't think I could do justice to BDSM, but for Milana I will give it a good try. Minimum bid: Fic for $10 per 1,000 words, to be discussed with bidder.

•User Name: Nisaki ( or swan-song here) 1# What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Wincest, J2, any rare-pair from spn that doesn't involve Sam and Dean, BTS ships (Taejin, Jikook, Namseok, Namgi, Sope) and Sebaciel from Kuroshitsuji. Likes: I like everything not in my dislikes. Squicks/Dislikes: Bottom Jensen/Dean, bottom Seokjin, Bottom Jeongguk, Bottom Namjoon, Bottom Yoongi (in sope, I'm fine with him bottoming with Namjoon) bottom Seb. Threesomes, poly or any toilet kinks. Sad endings and age play. Otherwise, the sky is your limit. Minimum bid: 5$ for 1k up to 5k!

•User Name: Nisaki ( or swan-song here) 2# What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Wincest, J2, any rare-pair from spn that doesn't involve Sam and Dean, BTS ships (Taejin, Jikook, Namseok, Namgi, Sope) and Sebaciel from Kuroshitsuji. Likes: I like everything not in my dislikes. Squicks/Dislikes: Bottom Jensen/Dean, bottom Seokjin, Bottom Jeongguk, Bottom Namjoon, Bottom Yoongi (in sope, I'm fine with him bottoming with Namjoon) bottom Seb. Threesomes, poly or any toilet kinks. Sad endings and age play. Otherwise, the sky is your limit. Minimum bid: 5$ for 1k up to 5k!

•User Name: nerdypastrychef What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: supernatural(sam/dean), supernatural rpf (jared/jensen), star trek (movies)(kirk/mccoy), harry potter(harry/draco or lupin/sirius) Likes: first time, slow burn, fluff, happy endings, case fic, non-au Squicks/Dislikes: scat, blood, vomit, unhappy endings, end of the world, apocalypse, angels Minimum bid: $5 per 500 words up to $7500

•User Name: Nwspaprtaxis What I'm offering: Fic (1k minimum, maximum to be determined by muse; most likely no more than 5k) Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Primarily SPN (Gen Sam n' Dean, S1-5 only), but can also do ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (2007 film) and MCU (Bucky-focused). I am relatively less experienced in STAR TREK 2009 reboot, ALIAS GRACE, but can tackle them with reasonable competence. I have no published fics in the following, but am willing to attempt: INTO THE FOREST (2015 Canadian Indie film), AHS (Murder House - Cult only, excluding Roanoke, and featuring Evan Peters' AHS characters only), LOST (Sawyer-focused), and WONDER WOMAN Likes: Gen, Sam n' Dean, Evan Peters' AHS characters, Bucky, Sawyer, MPreg, Tummy / belly kink, toilet kinks, H/C, angst, dark fic, horror Squicks/Dislikes: Cas, Slash, BDSM - feel free to discuss / negotiate Minimum bid: $5

•User Name: laughablelament What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Star Trek (OG, TNG, Discovery), Doctor Who (9th, 10th, 11th), Torchwood, X-Files, WWE wrestling... I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff; please feel free to ask! Likes: So many SPN ships, gen, slash, het, most consensual kinks (see dislikes for hard limits), comedy, general fluff and happiness, though I don't mind a bit of angst for seasoning Squicks/Dislikes: human/monster (including angels), non-con, body horror, a/b/o, bathroom kinks, underage (16+ do-able), RPF (au negotiable), deathfic (with a broad exception for afterlife plots) Minimum bid: $10/1k, 5k max

•User Name: ashtraythief What I'm offering: one fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: SPN RPF Likes: J2, JDM/Jensen, JDM/Jared, and femslash involving Danneel, Genevieve, and Adrianne in any combination, action, space, fluff, fantasy, sci-fi, weres, dark, crack, creature fic, first-time, bamf characters, fake relationship, arranged marriage, enemies to lovers. I’m willing to write timestamps for most of my fics/verses, but if you have specific plot points in mind, please check with me first because they might not be doable due to what I have in mind for the future (this applies specifically to the underneath verse. I will write you a timestamp, but I can’t do everything.) You can message me or ask anon on tumblr Squicks/Dislikes: any pairings not listed in my likes, hurt/comfort, angst, extreme underage (under 15), BDSM, extreme kink, spanking, feminisation, humiliation, intimate partner violence, non-con, bestiality, infidelity, kidfic, unhappy endings, high-school AU Minimum bid: 10$ per 1k (maximum of 5k. I tend to write longer usually and will certainly try if someone bids more, but I don’t want to promise something I might not be able to do)

•User Name: storyspinner70 What I'm offering: Fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: SPN (J2/Salmon Dean mostly), Thor, MCU, Buffy, Firefly, Bones, Archer, Frontier, Roswell (1999), Penny Dreadful, Blacklist, and possibly others, just ask! Likes: I like pretty much all tropes and things other than the biggies in my dislikes. RPF okay. Top Jensen/Dean Bottom Jared/Sam, Thorki (Hiddles) and Spuffy strongly preferred, but will consider other pairings for those fandoms. Squicks/Dislikes: Don't like unhappy or ambiguous endings, but I'll persevere if that's what you want. lol Kink dislikes: 24/7 restraint/toilet control esp in public, water sports/toilet kinks, scat, ageplay, vore, adult baby and a few others. Others: Destiel/Cockles (Misha/anyone), reader inserts. Minimum bid: $5 for fic up to 5k or so

•User Name: sammichgirl What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural & Supernatural RPF Likes: wincest, J2, bottom!Sam/Jared, fluff, trope AUs, light underage, Squicks/Dislikes: ships other than wincest or J2, bottom!Dean/Jensen, scat, vore, body modding (not great at writing hardcore BDSM/extreme kink or darkfic although love to read!) Minimum bid: $10 for 1K, max is 5K

•User Name: dimeliora 1# What I'm offering: Fanfiction, because you don't want my art. No one wants my art. Samples of my work: Ao3: I'm In Love (With A Fairytale) , The Games We Play , Invisible Unicorns , Black Velocities and Shining Movements Fandoms: SPN, SPN RPF, Harry Potter, all things Stephen King Likes: Angst with a happy ending, A/B/O, J2, Wincest Squicks/Dislikes: I'm sorry, I don't ship Destiel or Cockles so I can't write it, pedophilia, cancer, water sports, scat, infidelity Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: dimeliora 2# What I'm offering: Fanfiction, because you don't want my art. No one wants my art. Samples of my work: Ao3: I'm In Love (With A Fairytale) , The Games We Play , Invisible Unicorns , Black Velocities and Shining Movements Fandoms: SPN, SPN RPF, Harry Potter, all things Stephen King Likes: Angst with a happy ending, A/B/O, J2, Wincest Squicks/Dislikes: I'm sorry, I don't ship Destiel or Cockles so I can't write it, pedophilia, cancer, water sports, scat, infidelity Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: dimeliora 3# What I'm offering: Fanfiction, because you don't want my art. No one wants my art. Samples of my work: Ao3: I'm In Love (With A Fairytale) , The Games We Play , Invisible Unicorns , Black Velocities and Shining Movements Fandoms: SPN, SPN RPF, Harry Potter, all things Stephen King Likes: Angst with a happy ending, A/B/O, J2, Wincest Squicks/Dislikes: I'm sorry, I don't ship Destiel or Cockles so I can't write it, pedophilia, cancer, water sports, scat, infidelity Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: amypond45 What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Sam & Dean, Sam/Dean, J2 Squicks/Dislikes: bestiality, water sports, extreme underage Minimum bid: $10 per 1K up to 6K (it takes me about a month to turn out a 5K fic)

•User Name: kelios What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Live Journal and Ao3 (ao3 is more up to date) Fandoms: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF (J2 only) Likes: Wincest, Jared/Jensen (AU or non-AU), Bobby, Rufus, Baby--most characters are negotiable as secondaries, just ask. Squicks/Dislikes: Anyone else with either brother, anyone else with either J, Misha, Castiel, infidelity, destiel, samstiel, cockles, mishalecki, unhappy endings. Most other things are negotiable. Minimum bid: $5 for minimum 2k words. I'm happy to work with you via dm on twitter or pm on LJ to make sure you're happy with the story.

•User Name: Firesign10 1# What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, NCIS, a little SGA Likes: Sam/Dean, J2, DiNozzo/Gibbs, any pairing of which I've already done a fic; most major tropes, just ask--I'm sure we can work it out! Squicks/Dislikes: bestiality, water sports, extreme underage, torture porn, Destiel, serial killers Minimum bid: $10 per 1K up to 6K

•User Name: Firesign10 2# What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, NCIS, a little SGA Likes: Sam/Dean, J2, DiNozzo/Gibbs, any pairing of which I've already done a fic; most major tropes, just ask--I'm sure we can work it out! Squicks/Dislikes: bestiality, water sports, extreme underage, torture porn, Destiel, serial killers Minimum bid: $10 per 1K up to 6K

•User Name: Merenwen76 What I'm offering: fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Wincest, J2 hurt/comfort, first time, AU, non-AU, fluff, humour, fantasy, a/b/o, songs, cooking (not feeding) romance, panties. Whatever floats your boat. I am open to write (pls respect my dislikes) Squicks/Dislikes: destiel, cockles , threesomes, any kind of toilet kinks, extremely underage, non con (between J2 , Sam/Dean) , infidelity, extremely bdsm or Dom/sub ( let us talk ) , baby or daddy kinks, Minimum bid:10$ for 1 k , up to: sky is the limit and it’s for a good cause!!

•User Name: tifaching What I'm offering:100 word drabbles. Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms:Supernatural Likes: Dean, Sam, John, Castiel, most minor characters, gen, wincest, h/c, fluff, dark, brothercentric fic Squicks/Dislikes: Not a fan of Destiel or RPF Minimum bid: Five dollars for five drabbles. Will take top two bidders (if any, lol) so two people get five each.

•User name: marciaelena What I'm offering: Fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Revolution Likes: Sam/Dean, Smith/Wesson, Max & Alicia Banes, Ruby, Jo Harvelle, Charlie/Miles, Charlie/Danny, Miles/Danny, Charlie/Miles/Danny, angst, post-apocalyptic settings, soulmates, last people on Earth, death!fic, dark!fic, Americana, road trips, canon divergence, poetic prose. Squicks/Dislikes: Angels, demons, prophets, Chuck, Amara, Nick, John Winchester, Amelia, Benny, Monroe, fluff, crack, extreme kinks, genderswap, age reversal, rape/non-con, a/b/o. Minimum bid: $10 for 1k, up to 5k. Creators Notes: If in doubt about any likes/dislikes I haven't mentioned please ask before bidding. I'm willing to write two fics to help Milana. (meaning they will write one fic each for the top two bids)

•User Name:jessie_cristo73 What I'm offering: Fic Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, Queer As Folk Likes: J2, Wincest, ABO, Alternate Universes, Science Fiction, Fantasy, Adventures, Schmoop, Romance, Thrillers, High School AUs Squicks/Dislikes: Hardcore BDSM, Blood fetishes, Extreme underage, Scat, Waterworks, Fics w/out happy or satisfying endings. Minimum bid: $10 per 1k/words

•User Name: morganoconner What I'm offering: Fanfiction of at least 2500 words in length Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural (any pairing or permutation of Sam, Dean, Castiel, Gabriel...also please note I'm about four seasons behind canon, and most comfortable in the universe anytime before, during, or immediately following S5), Good Omens (Aziraphale/Crowley), Check Please (Jack/Bitty, Kent/Alexei or Kent/OMC, others) Teen Wolf (Derek/Stiles), MCU (Bucky/Sam, Clint/Bucky, Clint/Coulson , others), others can be discussed! Likes: creature!characters (shapeshifters, angels/demons, wings/tails, various and sundry monster sorts, you get the idea), crossovers, fluff, angst with happy endings, hurt/comfort, found family Squicks/Dislikes: Infidelity, unhappy endings, hardcore explicit fic (nothing against it just don't feel particularly good at writing it!) Minimum bid: $10 Creators Notes: Depending on interest, I'll write for the top two bidders. Please note that I'm in my last semester of my degree and my courseload is intense...fics may not be written until December, though if time allows I will certainly try for sooner!

•User Name: Sakarrie (ao3, ff.net, livejournal, tumblr) What I'm offering: Custom Fanfic, 1-5k, Offering 1-4 Fics (depending on prompts and length) Samples of my work: Live Journal: Starry Night (There's some VLD ones on my FF.net, but those are pretty old and cringy. Feel free to check them out though.) Fandoms: Mains: Supernatural, Voltron: Legendary Defender, Merlin Feel comfortable with: Star Vs. the Forces of Evil, She-ra (Netflix), Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Code Lyoko, 3Below,Teen Titans, Di-Gata Defenders Others I'd Be Willing to Do: Kim Possible, Undertale Legend of Korra, Trollhunters, Over the Garden Wall, Steven Universe, Psych, Jackie Chan Adventures Likes: Hurt/comfort, Angst, Family Love, Gen Squicks/Dislikes: Anything sexual, extreme gore, body horror, most AUs Minimum bid: $5 per 1k, minimum of 2k for complex plots Creator Notes: *Please refer to this document for ships and requirements for each fandom: ships and requirements doc

•User Name: dizzojay What I'm offering: Fic Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: I like to write Dean-centric gen fic, and have a strong leaning towards humour and/or hurt/comfort. Favourite characters to write other than Dean are Sam, Castiel and Bobby. Squicks/Dislikes: No deathfic. Prefer not to write slash. Minimum bid: $10 for up to 1,000 words $5 for each extra 1,000 words

•User Name: deadlybride (zmediaoutlet on tumblr) What I'm offering: Fic, 1k-8k words Samples of my work: AO3 Fandoms: SPN, SPN RPF (J2), MCU Likes: Wincest preferred but I'll do any SPN pairing; J2 fics (AU only); for MCU Thor/Loki would be preferred but I can do any of the original Avengers + Spiderman; very willing to write sex of any sort with any kink (seriously: underage, watersports, you name it, with only one exception listed below). Squicks/Dislikes: prolapse, character assassination, RPF non-AU, high school AU, xreader fic. Also warning: there are some pairings I would not write as romantic (e.g. Sam/Lucifer), but I can write most anything in a way that makes sense to me. I can work with you! Minimum bid: Fic for $10 per 1000 words up to 8k. Creator Notes: I have some due dates coming up, so likely would not be able to start until November 1.

•User Name: cookielaura What I'm offering: 1k(+) fic Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: White Collar Likes: Peter/Neal, Peter/Neal/El, Peter & Neal, most other canon relationships, h/c, angst, angst with happy endings, pining, AUs, fantasy Squicks/Dislikes: I'm not so great at NC-17 Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: celli on AO3, DW, Twitter What I'm offering: fic, minimum 5K Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Crooked Media RPF, Good Omens Likes: CM: Favs/Lovett, Emily/Favs/Lovett, Lovett/Tommy, Favs/Tommy, Favs/Lovett/Tommy. GO: Aziraphale/Crowley Squicks/Dislikes:dub-con, non-con, incest, adultery Minimum bid:$10

•User Name: Icanseenow (AO3), Tasteslikemolecules What I'm offering: Fan fiction Samples of my work: AO3 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icanseenow/works) Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Gen, Sam/Cas, Sam/Dean, Dean/Cas, Wincestiel, Sam/Ruby, Sam/Lucifer (non-con), Dean/John (non-con), everything Sam-centered, rare ships, character-focused stories, love triangles, asexuality, genderswap, AUs, H/C, mental health and trauma, sad and/or dark stories, melancholic fluff. Squicks/Dislikes: Sabriel, ABO, Slave AU, extreme fluff or extreme kink, reader inserts, Minimum bid: $10 per 1k, up to 10k Creator Notes: For longer stories I'd probably not get to them until the start of December.

•User Name: tjs_whatnot What I'm offering: Fic (atleast 1k) Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Anything I've written for in the past (my fandoms can be found in above link--there's a lot). Anything I've read/seen/listened to and am familiar with. Likes: character study/development, relationships, gen, slash, fem, het, angst, hurt/comfort Squicks/Dislikes: non-con, incest, pedophilia Minimum bid: 10$

•User Name: Icanseenow (here & AO3), tasteslikemolecules (tumblr) What I'm offering: Fan Fiction Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Gen, Sastiel, Wincest, Destiel, Wincestiel, Sam-heavy stories, Sam/Ruby, rare ships, character studies, angst, hurt/comfort, mental health/trauma, love triangles. Squicks/Dislikes: Sabriel, Sam/Lucifer or Dean/John stories that aren't non-con, extreme kinks or extreme fluff, Slave AUs, ABO Minimum bid: 10$ for 1k, up to 5k

🖌️🎨ART OFFERS🎨🖌️

Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

•User Name: phoenix1966 1# What I'm offering: Banner/Cover for your J2 AU/Wincest fic (or a Jared/Sam-centric image) Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Supernatural, J2 AU Likes: Wincest, J2, I'm a bottom!Sam/Jared fan Squicks/Dislikes: Destiel, Cockles, scat, watersports, infantilism, extreme underage, bottom!Dean/Jensen, het, bestiality, reader inserts, deathfic, J2 Non-AU Minimum bid: $20 Creator Notes: (One full-size banner/cover for your wincest or J2 AU or gen Sam & Dean story.)

•User Name: phoenix1966 2# What I'm offering: Banner/Cover for your J2/Wincest fic (or a Jared/Sam-centric image) Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Supernatural, J2 AU Likes: Wincest, J2, I'm a bottom!Sam/Jared fan Squicks/Dislikes: Destiel, Cockles, scat, watersports, infantilism, extreme underage, bottom!Dean/Jensen, het, bestiality, reader inserts, deathfic, J2 Non-AU Minimum bid: $20 Creators Notes: (One full-size banner/cover for your wincest or J2 or gen Sam & Dean story.)

•User Name: sweetheartdean What I'm offering: art Samples of my work: Tumblr: one two Twitter: three Fandoms: SPN/SPN RPF Likes: Down to draw anyone and anything, maximum rating PG-13 for PDA (blood and guts are A-okay). TFW/J2M are the ones I have the most practice with. Squicks/Dislikes: Underage, vertical incest, cars, NSFW (not that I dislike that one, I just doubt my abilities to deliver it, lol!) Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: Nisaki ( or swan-song here) What I'm offering: Art Samples of my work: Live Journal: Here Here Tumblr: Here and Here Fandoms: Wincest, J2, any rare-pair from spn that doesn't involve Sam and Dean, BTS ships (Taejin, Jikook, Namseok, Namgi, Sope) and Sebaciel from Kuroshitsuji. An art for a fic of yours that involve those and doesn't has my dislikes! Likes: I like everything not in my dislikes. Squicks/Dislikes: Bottom Jensen/Dean, bottom Seokjin, Bottom Jeongguk, Bottom Namjoon, Bottom Yoongi (in sope, I'm fine with him bottoming with Namjoon) bottom Seb. Threesomes, poly or any toilet kinks. Sad endings and age play. Otherwise, the sky is your limit. Minimum bid: 10$

•User Name: amberdreams 1# What I'm offering: a cover or illustration for a fic Samples of my work: Live Journal: fanart or traditional art tags, or AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Marvel, Hannibal, LOTR - open to suggestions Likes: portraits and figure work but also animals on occasion Squicks/Dislikes: Mpreg, ABO, deformity/body horror, excretory kinks Minimum bid:$20

•User Name: amberdreams 2# What I'm offering: a cover or illustration for a fic Samples of my work: Live Journal: fanart or traditional art tags, or AO3 Fandoms: Supernatural, Marvel, Hannibal, LOTR - open to suggestions Likes: portraits and figure work but also animals on occasion Squicks/Dislikes: Mpreg, ABO, deformity/body horror, excretory kinks Minimum bid:$20

•User Name: quickreaver What I'm offering: ART Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: primarily SPN, but also Preacher, Hannibal, Firefly, The Expanse, original characters ... ask if there's something not on this list! I can probably do it. :) Likes: pretty much anything but over-the-top fluff Squicks/Dislikes: I won't do NC-17 at this account, Sam/Gabriel (SPN), and unsurprisingly, over-the-top fluff Minimum bid: $50

•User Name: kirathehyrulian What I'm offering: One title card and one illustration for a fic Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: I have the most experience in Supernatural characters but open to discussion Likes: SPN Gen, Wincest, J2 Squicks/Dislikes: I would prefer not to draw Destiel, Cockles, Sabriel, Saileen, Vertical Incest, Landscapes, Vehicles, or anything beyond a PG-13 rating for PDA. Minimum bid: $25

•User Name: kirathehyrulian What I'm offering: A simple one character chibi plus one accessory illustration with a plain background Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Open to drawing any one character in any fandom or one original character Likes: Supernatural Characters Squicks/Dislikes: I would prefer not to draw vehicles, or nudies Minimum bid: $5

•User Name: kirathehyrulian What I'm offering: A 1-2 character illustration with simple background Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: I have the most experience with Supernatural characters but open to discussion Likes: SPN Gen, Wincest, J2 Squicks/Dislikes: I would prefer not to draw Destiel, Cockles, Sabriel, Saileen, Vertical Incest, Landscapes, Vehicles, or anything beyond a PG-13 rating for PDA. Minimum bid: $15

•User Name:emmatheslayer What I'm offering: set of 10 icons, Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: supernatural rpf /spn, comic books dc, marvel mcu, stock, dc shows buffyverse /angelvese, trueblood, Netflix shows open to most Fandoms and ships don't see it let me know Likes: fluffy wincest, sastiel, shipping Squicks/Dislikes: porn, bdsm, abuse destiel, sabirel, Minimum bid:$ 5

•User Name: BeesAreAwesome 1# What I'm offering: custom digital painting (1 to 2 characters) Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Supernatural, Hannibal, Good Omens (I am open to do art for any fandom, really) Likes: I usually ship Destiel, but ignore that. Today for this fundraiser, I like what you like! Squicks/Dislikes: none (I'm fine with any ship/rating etc--although I will not depict anything explicit if the characters are underage) Minimum bid: $40

•User Name: cassiopeia7 What I'm offering: Original art Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Sam/Dean, Sam & Dean gen, J2, angst, crack, het, casefic, Demon!Dean, Soulless!Sam, Baby, Billie, Rowena, Sister Jo, Bobby, John, Henriksen, Ellen and/or Jo Harvelle, Crowley, Ruby, Jess, Danneel, Gen, JDM, vampires, SPAAAACE!, cops, firefighters ... Squicks/Dislikes: Underage, de-aged, Samstiel, Destiel, cockles, genderswap, noncon, watersports Minimum bid: $20 Creator Notes: Please note, I won't be able to begin on artworks until after Christmas.

•User Name: cassiopeia7 What I'm offering: Banner or illustration for your existing fic. Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Sam/Dean, Sam & Dean gen, J2, angst, crack, het, casefic, Demon!Dean, Soulless!Sam, Baby, Billie, Rowena, Sister Jo, Bobby, John, Henriksen, Ellen and/or Jo Harvelle, Crowley, Ruby, Jess, Danneel, Gen, JDM, vampires, SPAAAACE!, cops, firefighters ... Squicks/Dislikes: Underage, de-aged, Samstiel, Destiel, cockles, genderswap, noncon, watersports Minimum bid: $20 Creator Notes: Please note, I won't be able to begin on artworks until after Christmas.

•User Name: tiggeratl1 1# What I'm offering: Artwork for a fanfic or a stand alone piece (photo maniped) Samples of my work: DeviantArt , Live Journal (the images in Live Journal might be locked for viewers) Fandoms: Primarily SPN/SPN RPF, but I'm open to try different fandoms. Likes: mostly Wincest, J2, or Gen, but I can branch out to other pairings. Squicks/Dislikes: Mpreg, excretory kinks. Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: tiggeratl1 2# What I'm offering: Artwork for a fanfic or a stand alone piece (photo maniped) Samples of my work: DeviantArt , Live Journal (the images in Live Journal might be locked for viewers) Fandoms: Primarily SPN/SPN RPF, but I'm open to try different fandoms. Likes: mostly Wincest, J2, or Gen, but I can branch out to other pairings. Squicks/Dislikes: Mpreg, excretory kinks. Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: merakieros What I'm offering: Digital art [2 characters, pose of your choice] Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Good Omens, Supernatural [wincest, J2] MCU [stucky, thorki, symbrock] Hannibal [Hannigram] Sherlock [Johnlock] Teen Wolf [Sterek] (other fandoms can be discussed) Likes: Everything is on Lizzo's "BOYS" song, I live in the gutter, the art can go as sweet or spicy as you wish. Squicks/Dislikes: excretory kinks, Non-Con, Dub-Con, MPreg Minimum bid:$40

•User Name: merakieros 1# What I'm offering: Digital art [2 characters kissing] Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Good Omens, Supernatural [wincest, J2] MCU [stucky, thorki, symbrock] Hannibal [Hannigram] Sherlock [Johnlock] Teen Wolf [Sterek] (other fandoms can be discussed) Likes: Everything is on Lizzo's "BOYS" song, I live in the gutter, the art can go as sweet or spicy as you wish. Squicks/Dislikes: Nothing to dislike in a kiss Minimum bid:$25

•User Name: merakieros 2# What I'm offering: Digital art [2 characters kissing] Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Good Omens, Supernatural [wincest, J2] MCU [stucky, thorki, symbrock] Hannibal [Hannigram] Sherlock [Johnlock] Teen Wolf [Sterek] (other fandoms can be discussed) Likes: Everything is on Lizzo's "BOYS" song, I live in the gutter, the art can go as sweet or spicy as you wish. Squicks/Dislikes: Nothing to dislike in a kiss Minimum bid:$25

•User Name: dollarformyname What I'm offering: art (3 characters or less) Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, Dark Angel, Teen Wolf Likes: Fave pairings include but are definitely not limited to Sam/Dean, J2, J2/Danneel, J3, Alec/Ben, Alec/Ben/Max, Alec/Max, Max/Original Cindy, Max & Original Cindy, Alec & Original Cindy, Scott & Stiles, Allison & Lydia, Stiles/Derek, Scott/Stiles, pretty much all the threesomes/moresomes. Crossovers, h/c … Erm, I like too many things, so I'm just gonna say if it's not on my dislikes I'll probably do it. If you wanna make extra sure, just ask. Squicks/Dislikes: Angel pairings (SPN), Logan (DA), parent/child incest, toilet kinks, underage, not super confident in my ability to get too sexy/explicit. Minimum bid: $20

•User Name: jj1564 What I'm offering: songspam - you choose a song and I'll make a 'songspam' with pics and gifs, Can be naughty or nice, sad or fun, your choice :) Samples of my work: Live Journal: Hurt or God Was Never on Your Side Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Sam/Dean, John/Mary, Dean/Cas, Sam/Cas, J2, hurt boys, sad boys, wincest Squicks/Dislikes: Celine Dion! Minimum bid: $10

•User Name: BeesAreAwesome 2# What I'm offering: custom digital painting (1 to 2 characters) Samples of my work: Tumblr Fandoms: Supernatural, Hannibal, Good Omens (I am open to do art for any fandom, really) Likes: I usually ship Destiel, but ignore that. Today for this fundraiser, I like what you like! Squicks/Dislikes: none (I'm fine with any ship/rating etc--although I will not depict anything explicit if the characters are underage) Minimum bid:$40

•User Name: cookielaura What I'm offering: set of 10 icons Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: White Collar, Good Omens, Hannibal, Torchwood, Community, The New Normal, musical theatre Likes: anything Squicks/Dislikes: anything Minimum bid: $5

•User Name: kanarek13 What I'm offering: art (manips only) Samples of my work: Ao3 Fandoms: White Collar, any Matt Bomer related project Likes: h/c, angst, AUs, fantasy, slash, ot3, canon relationships, oh I can go pretty much any direction :D Squicks/Dislikes: can't think of any for art, but what I can create depends heavily on the images that I can find to use for manips Minimum bid: $10

📝🖊️FIC AND/OR ART🖌️🎨

Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

•User Name: a_biting_smile What I'm offering: ~1k fic (longer, if the fic is chugging along), OR one piece of art (rated up to and thru NC-17), OR possibly both if the bid is high enough! Samples of my work: Live Journal Fandoms: SPN and SPN RPF Likes: darker themes, blood, but really anything but my squicks Squicks/Dislikes: excretory kinks, extreme underage, parent/child, Sam/Gabriel, fluffy Sam/Lucifer Minimum bid: $20

•User Name: blindswandive What I'm offering: One 1-5k fic OR one color drawing (1-2 characters, plain or minimal background). Longer fic or more complicated art available for higher bids or if I can't help myself. Samples of my work: Fic: Ao3 or Art: DeviantArt Fandoms: I write Supernatural and original fiction primarily, but have also written TinMan, Tron, Kids in the Hall, Daily Show/Colbert Report (specifically Jon/Stephen), Harry Potter, and various others; have done art for Supernatural, TinMan, Harry Potter, MCU/Marvel comics, portraits of people and pets, original characters, and various other fandoms. I think I could also write Loki-centric MCU/marvel comic fic, and could do art for most MCU and various DC. Can happy write or draw original work/characters. For art I'm willing to try most things. If you have any questions, please ask! Likes: Slash, femslash, het, multi/poly, kink, grit, horror, humor, smut, slice of life. In SPN I adore Sam/Dean, Sam/Dean/Cass, Rowena, Abaddon, Billie, Charlie, Bobby, Rufus, Crowley. I love writing gritty/realistic smut and imperfect people/situations. I especially love my kink improvised and undernegotiated. If your kink isn't on my short list below, 97% chance I'll be totally happy to work with it. Broadly, I love drawing women (regardless of shape, size, orientation, gender-expression, assigned sex, etc etc etc), magical creatures (especially humanoid such as mer, fae, furries/anthropomorphic or chimaeric, and dragons), bondage, corsetry, period costuming, and portraits. Squicks/Dislikes: Prefer to not write Sam/Gabriel (SPN), fluffy Sam/Lucifer (SPN), or Cole, Stynes, Nick (SPN). Would rather avoid total AUs, total fluff/schmoop, major character death, mourning, suicide, animal endangerment/harm, scat, or cbt. Prefer not to draw Nick, fluffy Sam/Lucifer, Cole, or Stynes (SPN), or scat. Not as good at drawing scenery/locations. Minimum bid: $15

•User Name: sandy79 What I'm offering: Fanfiction, Fanart Samples of my work: Live Journal , Ao3 Fandoms: SPN, White Collar, Marvel Cinematic Universe (both fiction and art); open to do fanart (digital manips) for any existing story or other fandoms (though I might ask for resources), as well as for any actor/actress the bidder wants Likes: Fluff, Happy Endings, Meet-Cutes (or Meet-Uglies that turn good), RPF Squicks/Dislikes: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-con, Extreme Kinks (e.g. Watersports), Character Bashing, Bad guys of the fandom as the main focus Minimum bid: Fanfiction: $5 per 1k Fanart: $5 for fanarts icon-size to tumblr-size; $10 for full sets of story arts (cover image, chapter headers and/or dividers, eventually end pic) and larger arts (wallpaper, both for computer and mobile)

🖼️🧶TANGIBLE CRAFTS🕯️📚

Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

•User Name: sammichgirl What I'm offering:SPN related craft items Samples of my work: (Item 1)Witch's Ball with Library Card Catalog/Checkout card (will customize checkout card to winner): View post on imgur.com (Item 2)Winchester Motel Tag & Key with Charm: View post on imgur.com Fandoms: Supernatural Likes: Brothers, J2 Squicks/Dislikes: not applicable to crafts Minimum bid: one item of each available, minimum of $15 bid on each (shipping will work out with winner) - each item will ship with a few surprise SPN goodies

•User Name: Kanarek13 What I'm offering: an 11" square photobook designed by me featuring pics from the Boys in the Band Broadway play, there are some general pics of the venue, the stage, etc. and of course pics from the stage door when the boys came out to say hi. The main focus is on Matt Bomer ♥ There are no personal pics in there, just the boys :) This is a professionally printed photobook on genuine glossy photo paper with glossy hardcover. Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in kanarek13′s offer listing) Fandoms: Boys in the Band, Matt Bomer Likes: n/a Squicks/Dislikes: n/a Minimum bid: $30 (shipping is on me :)

•User Name: Kanarek13 What I'm offering: A finished painting-like artwork, size 11x8” (30x20cm), printed on alu-dibond surface, highest quality professional print by Cewe of an artwork piece that I created in Photoshop. Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in kanarek13′s offer listing) Fandoms: White Collar, Peter/Neal slash Likes: n/a Squicks/Dislikes: n/a Minimum bid: $20

• User Name: Kanarek13 What I'm offering: A finished painting-like artwork, size 8x11” (20x30cm), printed on alu-dibond surface, highest quality professional print by Cewe of an artwork piece that I created in Photoshop. Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in kanarek13′s offer listing) Fandoms: White Collar, Peter and Neal, prom pic Likes: n/a Squicks/Dislikes: n/a Minimum bid: $20

•User Name: Kanarek13 What I'm offering: A finished painting-like artwork, size 8x8” (20x20cm), printed on alu-dibond surface, highest quality professional print by Cewe of an artwork piece that I created in Photoshop. Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in kanarek13′s offer listing) Fandoms: White Collar, Neal, winter stroll Likes: n/a Squicks/Dislikes: n/a Minimum bid: $20

•User Name: kelios What I'm offering: Crocheted scarves, hats, shawls, blankets--let me know what you'd like and we can work something out. Samples of my work: Twitter I have and can acquire more yarn in various colors (within reason, of course!) but this is a good sampling of yarn available to make things and things that are already made. Minimum bid: Hat $10 Scarf/cowl $15 Shawl: $20 Blanket: $25 (baby)/$35 (lap)/$40 (adult) Creators Notes: I'm willing to make as many hats and scarves as folks are willing to buy, just let me know what you'd like.

•User Name: mwitczak What I'm offering: (1) one-of-a-kind metal stamped SPN keychain with detachable charms Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in mwitczak’s offer listing) Minimum bid: $30 Creator’s Notes: ***PLEASE NOTE***: winner also agrees to pay shipping via PayPal (shipping from Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

•User Name: mwitczak What I'm offering: (1) one-of-a-kind metal stamped SPN earrings Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in mwitczak’s offer listing) Minimum bid: $10 Creator’s Notes: ***PLEASE NOTE***: winner also agrees to pay shipping via PayPal (shipping from Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

•User Name: mwitczak What I'm offering: (1) one-of-a-kind metal stamped SPN charm as shown Samples of my work: (samples are given on the auction page in mwitczak’s offer listing) Minimum bid: $5 Creator’s Notes: ***PLEASE NOTE***: winner also agrees to pay shipping via PayPal (shipping from Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

•User Name: FangasmSPN What I'm offering: A copy of Family Don't End with Blood, autographed by Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Autographs will be obtained at New Jersey Con so shipping will be after that. Sample of work:“Family Don’t End with Blood” Minimum bid: $50

•User Name: kelios What I'm offering: handmade soaps--SPN themed and non-SPN themed Samples of my work: tba Minimum bid: $10 minimum order, please. $5 for 3-4 ounce bars $1 for single use/insert soaps Creators Notes: This is a repost--the previous offer was taken, but I'm willing to offer as many of these as people are interested in buying. (I’m not sure which offer they mean)

•User Name: celli on AO3, DW, Twitter What I'm offering: small cross-stitch of a superhero/ine or space character. Samples of my work: Recent project: Twitter Fandoms: Marvel, DC, Star Trek, general space. Ask for specific characters! Minimum bid:$10

•User Name: Firesign10 What I'm offering: (2) necklaces, each sold separately. Shipping within Continental USA. 1) 22 1/2" Orange optic beads with antiqued silver barrel beads with sunburst-style pendant, barrel clasp (image on offer listing) 2) 21 1/2" Black beads with clear faceted and carved-look silver tube beads, with silvertone pendant, barrel clasp (image on offer listing) Minimum Bid: Each necklace has an opening bid of $15. Please specify which one you are bidding on.

•User Name: firesign10 What I'm offering: 2 pairs of earrings, sold separately. Shipping within continental USA 1) Silvertone Indian-style body with 5 dangles of black beads. Fishhook for pierced ears. $8 (image on offer listing) 2) Silvertone filigree-style body with 7 dangles of iridescent purple-blue beads. Fishhook for pierced ears. $8 (image on offer listing)

•User Name: tjs_whatnot What I'm offering: Reusable/food safe bags for snacks/sandwiches and whatnot Samples of my work: (images on offer listing) Fandoms: Basically any fandom big enough to have fabric ;) Likes: n/a Squicks/Dislikes: n/a Minimum bid: $10 will get you one sandwich or 2 snack bags. For every 10 of the winning bid I'll add extra geeky bags and whatnot. If bidding goes over $50, I'll pay for shipping as well.

•User Name: Firesign10 What I'm offering: 3 pairs of pierced earrings, SOLD SEPARATELY Picutures & Descrip: 1. Black stone beads with white markings, pearlescent white accent beads. Fishhook wires. (image on offer listing) 2. Silver metal dragonfly charm with purple barrel bead, purple and silver spacers. Fishhook wires. (image on offer listing) 3. Silver metal hoop with heart motif and light blue bead dangles. Fishhook wires. (image on offer listing) Minimum bid: Dragonfly and Black & White $6.00 each. Blue bead dangles $8.00.

•User Name: honscot What I’m Offering: Sterling silver ring from Scotland, size 5 (or very small size 6) Samples of my work: (image on offer listing but might be locked for non-LJ users) Minimum Bid: $20

•User Name: Firesign10 What I'm offering: 2 necklaces, SOLD SEPARATELY Samples of my work: 1. 21 1/2" necklace with silver metal dragon pendant. Black iridescent round beads, silver metal tube beads, and clear iridescent accent beads. Barrel clasp. 2. 21" Silver metal fairy with sparkly green wings. Clear green barrel beads, scroll silver metal tube beads, silver spacers, barrel clasp. Minimum bid: $20.00 EACH

•User Name: honscot What I’m Offering: Hand painted SPN iPad/tablet cover with zipper. Samples of my work: (image on offer listing but might be locked for non-LJ users) Minimum Bid: $15

•User Name: honscot What I’m Offering: Set of four guitar string bracelets, two with clear crystals, two with crystals which have a rainbow effect. Quite large - would fit a 7-1/2- or probably 8-inch wrist. (They fall off my 7-inch wrist.) Samples of my work: (image on offer listing but might be locked for non-LJ users) Minimum Bid: $10

•User Name: honscot What I’m Offering: Sterling silver bracelet, 7-1/2 inches. The links are chunky, so it fits a 7-inch wrist. Would also fit a smaller wrist, as the toggle clasp will fit into any of the rings. The bracelet has a hammered finish. (It’s very shiny, it’s just hard to take a good picture in my house after dark!) Samples of my work: (image on offer listing but might be locked for non-LJ users) Minimum Bid: $25 (shipping included)

👓📠Beta Services📠👓

Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

•User Name: gelsey What I'm offering: beta services (thorough spag and commentary up to 30k; negotiable after that) Samples of my work: you can ask trisjellion, enchantedjae, and a lot of people who used to post on the old OWL archive Fandoms: Harry Potter and a variety of other Likes: pretty easy, I'll look over most things Squicks/Dislikes: not fond of underage and I'm not good at hard kink/bdsm stuff Minimum bid: $10

Good luck, may the highest bidder win!!!! Auction Link , Bidder Leaderboard

40 notes · View notes

kinitstuffblr · 6 years ago

Text

WHO WANTS TO ANALYZE CRAZY DREAMS?!!

Aight bros this dream I had last night was INSANE basically because it made a lot of sense in a lot of different weird ways and I personally love hearing people’s dreams and helping interpret them SO I hope all FOURTEEN of you maybe-real-people will consider sharing YOUR dreams with me via asks/messages/comments/whatever (if you want other people to weigh in then go for it in the comments otherwise I don’t mind if it’s just one-on-one I really just want to discuss dreams). To get the ball rolling I’ll describe my dream and my analysis of it (But feel free to just skip reading that part and go straight to yours if you want! I’m half typing this out just to keep a record for myself)

SO my dreams lately have involved being lost, usually in cities, where I’m vaguely aware of where I should be and am trying to find my way toward that. AND lately my dreams have distinct beginnings and ends and relative themes throughout, which is not how they used to be. I’m going to break this one down into separate numbered sections to kind of establish the timeline and to highlight the key parts.

Part 1: I was in an empty mall; mostly empty, with the stores all dark, but not closed. Think small town, mid-day, but technically open so one or two stores are still available for shopping. I was just sort of wandering through with no real goal, like a lazy tourist, and I knew I was in my local Big City.

Usually I go to this Big City and sort of do a lazy tourist thing a lot when I’m getting ready to attend a con, which I am currently irl preparing for, so it made sense to me that I was in the area wandering around.

Part 2: I saw a theatre attached to the mall, where there was basically just a big entrance that opens up and there it is - but it was a stage theatre, not a movie theater. I could see the stage and all the seating just past the ticket counter. Next thing I know, I see several drag queens in powdered wigs and costumes filing out of a nearby door, which I guessed led to a green room. At the end of the line was a close friend of mine, the only anatomical female of the group, dressed as Marie Antoinette, and she was surprised to see me and invited me to come watch the show (which, of course, I eagerly agreed to).

First of all, she would SO take that role and she would SO be part of a drag show if the opportunity presented itself, so all that made lots of sense to me. I also adore this friend, and don’t hear from her much, so I’ll take every opportunity to be around her if invited. The problem is this doesn’t happen often, and I get stuck feeling like me reaching out to hang out with her will come off as needy, but also that maybe she would prefer I reach out more and is disappointed that I haven’t. Also, I think the last time we hung out for real was the time I’d elected to let her know about a year-long unrequited crush I’d had on her, so in the interest of never making her feel awkward again, I feel like I can never be the one to initiate a hangout, even though we’d had an open conversation that went very well considering the circumstances. Oh - at this point I was also aware that I didn’t have my hair styled, makeup on, or an especially good outfit - I looked frumpy, which I felt she noticed. (She’s gorgeous, not in a fake way, legitimately she always looks great but she also does fucking bomb makeup whereas I feel like I’ve never fully learned it/understood it.)

Part 3: At the drag show, I realize it’s a dress rehearsal. No biggie. I head to the bathroom, where a lot of the queens are now actually getting ready, some in the bathroom and some out in the hall. I’m nonbinary, but I only recently learned what that even is and started embracing it; in the moment, I can’t decide if I should go into the female bathroom or the male bathroom. I really don’t want to be in their way while they’re getting ready and though my instinct is to go into the bathroom opposite my assigned sex in an act to embrace my newer self, I immediately think of how non-nonbinary (not-androgynous) I look, and shamefully head into my assigned sex’s bathroom.

This is no mystery, I still constantly feel like even a group for ‘people who don’t fit into the other groups’ is still too exclusive for me to fit into it; Like I’m posing, and I should just be quiet and stick to my assigned sex, and nonbinary isn’t what I am because I’m not nonbinary enough?? It’s hard to explain but I feel like you get it even if I can’t put it into words well. I felt like an asshole trying to go into the opposite sex’s bathroom, but I felt like a coward ducking my head and going into ‘my’ bathroom.

Part 4: In the bathroom, it didn’t matter what I’d chosen because the drag queens were getting ready in both (which I should have seen coming?) While in there I was of course half afraid I’d be seen through various gaps in the walls and did notice someone getting high out of a CVS bag in a stall.

This is basic bathroom-related anxiety I face in dreams a lot, although the drug thing is new and I think related to how often junkies are getting high on the steps literally outside my front door every night when I’m trying to go to bed. In the moment I felt like I should let someone know but I didn’t because I’m not street smart and somehow that implies that street smart people don’t need me getting into their business?? Idk

Part 5: I found a former theatre club classmate to sit with to watch the rehearsal. I don’t remember the show at all but I remember that I was supposedly there for the whole thing and didn’t get to see or talk to my friend at all, so I ended up wandering out without saying goodbye.

Typical again - At social events with this friend, I feel like the norm has been that I don’t actually get to spend much time with her and that it’s not really noticed if I leave

Part 6: My cat was with me?? My cat, an FIV positive soft boi who I love with everything in me, was for some reason with me on this trip and I’ve just realized I’ve lost him in this mall. He doesn’t wear a collar and is easily spooked. Somehow I see him in an open area and swoop him up into my arms and tight against my chest; now I just have to not let him wrestle free while I find my way back to the car.

Again SO normal, but in a new, FUN terrible way! Combining my fear of losing my sick cat outside and not being able to find my car in a big city during an important situation. Both are repeat anxiety nightmares, but I’ve never had it structured like this before.

Part 7: I don’t remember where the car is or how far; I only have a vague idea; I also know there’s no way when I get there I’ll be able to open the door without losing him but right now I’m just focused on finding the car. Suddenly there’s a few people here and there in the mall and I’m really worried that someone will approach me to touch my cat or to offer help and only end up spooking him. A kid walks up to me and he has a gameboy open in his hands; I know he just wants to touch my cat but I explain I need to get him to my car and he offers to help, which mostly is just him following me while half-playing his pokemon game and half looking at my cat.

The boy is the same age/slightly younger than my youngest brother and looks exactly like him and acts exactly like him, he just isn’t him somehow - and he’s legitimately sort-of-trying-to-help in his own kid way. I appreciate the moral support. But I’m confused what this represents in my dream?? Me and my youngest bro used to be very close, but I was a little distant with him after I moved out and lately now that he’s in high school I feel like he doesn’t want my attention as much as he used to and also doesn’t want to spend time together.

Part 8: At one point I’m squeezing my cat so tight to my chest he’s gone limp and isn’t breathing - but I loosen up and check and he’s fine after just a second, although he’s irritated and a little squirmy. Somehow this boy with us has now gotten me to finding my car at the top of an open parking garage and I haven’t dropped the cat the whole way. I open the door and start putting my stuff on the seat (I had a purse this whole time). In the front seat, there’s actually already a cat. My cat?? I say out loud, ‘oh, I didn’t actually bring him in - there’s an unopened one right here!’. Because the cat in the car, my cat, has a San Pelligrino soda foil cap on its head. Also, I realize I dropped my cat - you know, the one I’d carried back? But no, there he is, and I pick him up and put him in the back seat. He’s also my cat. And somehow I’m still more worried about his well-being, even though supposedly, the cat in the front seat with the foil hat is mine.

The squeezing thing is a memory of the other night irl when I realized my cat was so deep asleep he felt like he’d stopped breathing and when I moved him to wake him he was completely limp and still; he’s fine now and was confused and irate at me for waking him before. But the two cats thing was throwing me off really hard; All I knew was that a family friend literally just put down her cat yesterday and that I’d seen pictures of her baby girl, and this girl cat looked exactly like my boy cat and was roughly the same age and had an illness. But I was certain that both of these dream cats were my boy, although weirdly I was more loyal to the one I’d been carrying.

My husband actually helped me figure out this crazy shit in a way that blew my mind (because foil hat was reaaally confusing me.) He asked what I usually do with San Pelligrino sodas, and got me to admit that usually, I don’t finish them. (I don’t always finish most drinks actually.) But it really sucks when I leave a San Pelli unfinished, because they’re expensive and they’re one of my favorites, so wasting it is a bigger deal than wasting other drinks, and I feel regretful because I didn’t get to appreciate them all the way to their end and guilty because I didn’t do all that I could to make sure they weren’t wasted. He said the cat in the front seat is a healthy cat - an ‘unopened’ one that I haven’t put in danger and that doesn’t have any predetermined threats to its well-being because it’s ‘new’. I wish desperately that I didn’t have to be constantly afraid of losing my FIV boy to an illness, but at the same time I would never want to replace him with a healthy cat even if they were exactly the same - his weakness has made me not only glad I have him in my own care, where I know I’d give anything in my power to keep him healthy and happy - it’s made me and my husband open to the idea of seeking out needy pets in the future that might not otherwise have chances with families. (We also know that we have to be ready for the worst; if a vet tells us our boy isn’t going to be happy or isn’t going to feel healthy, we need to be ready to let go and voluntarily put him down when his quality of life diminishes.) Basically, having the opportunity of the healthy-safe-front-seat-fresh-cat didn’t make me forget or discard the one I’d carried back with me, and I think that’s my brain reaffirming I don’t regret my boi and will protect him with everything I have until I literally can’t anymore.

That was the end of my dream - putting the rescued cat in the back seat safely while acknowledging the other cat. And I woke up with my cat snuggling me, of course. I’ve had a lot of these weirdly detailed dreams lately and I love writing them out. Watchyal got? Anyone??

#dreams #I once dreamt #dream meanings #dream analysis #dream discussion #share your literal dreams!

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hanzi83 · 6 years ago

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Clearing the Clutter from My Brain

Before I begin, I have to clarify that anything that I put out there is not 100 percent true when it comes to what I assume is happening behind the scenes. I am mentally ill and while different communities will accuse me of using it as a crutch, I retort with this, since I am accused of saying the same shit, and maybe by saying the same shit I will eventually just turn into dust and disappear in mediocrity, but if these people at the top and their minions love to put it out there I am mentally ill and I am a piece of shit to dismiss any of my thoughts, then why can’t I use it back to my advantage since no matter what I say will not be taken seriously. I am not to be taken seriously they will fuck with my connection when I go on my platforms, so I cannot have a clear message, not like the actual speech from it is clear enough with my constant stammering, but at least with a blog I can at least intellectualize it a little better, even though it probably reads as someone in third grade and then throw in the mix of it being on tumblr with an outdated layout and format that I am too dumb to change, and even at the risk of it not being read by many, at least it is out there just like everything I have been transparent with in my life since everything WE all do is always monitored, and when the system decides it is convenient they will then expose whoever and whatever and create an elaborate reason why it has come to fruition.

So since I and others who choose to express themselves online get accused of being attention seekers etc, it normally comes from people who uphold the status quo and keep a limited narrative, even if they seem “woke” about certain things. I know anything I have said in my life and on all my platforms will come back to haunt me and the ones who perpetuate it are paid to bring it out because there is a system in play but since I already am blackballed from the rest of society and their secret rules that they swear does not exist, I have nothing to lose. They will either keep me this tortured and no one will pay attention to my delusional cries or eventually these people will push me to just fucking end it or maybe better they will actually decide to kill me. Since my computer has been hacked multiple times, I would not be shocked if they frame me for something since people in my life and the people they take orders from will fucking end me but not just destroy me, make sure I am here to endure the nonstop mental torture that no one will acknowledge and when it is too late they will then pat themselves on the back for pretending they care about something kind of like their soulless existence has to put on their best acting but since their act is so mediocre they don’t come off well but they sure do commit to the role of making it seem they are just like regular fucking people. I rather express my thoughts, as stupid as they may come across then have to hide who the fuck I am and how irrational I am because I am still recuperating from being dumbed down for the majority of my life but it is clear I am not witty or smart enough to be a part of this world.

It stems from the fact that I think I figured out me and a select few are chosen targets to exploit and there are underground ways to exploit someone since they can organize your appearances without knowing you are making one because they organize in group chats and pass around information and will use it on someone who they can blackmail, hence why so many lowly type of individuals are always recruited to be trolled. That is why people react to these trolls because they are not regular people, they are government agents. I think there is a contingent of people who have cliques to fight back and that I can understand but the overall existence of this type of digital gang warfare is on some next level, and so much so they dumb it down by giving limited solutions like “Why don’t you just log off” not disclosing that even if you log off these people can harass you and invade your privacy, especially if you are outspoken about the system. They have censored and killed off so many leftists who have tried to expose the system but all you ever hear is about some fucking nazi not being able to get a rise out of the “SJWS” being censored while the internet organizes and makes you believe these fucking nazi supporters are the ones who are the victims.

I could have sold my soul many times, but I did not want to partake in paid propaganda. I know being on my own mentally might not be the best because I entertain so much shit that I might be spreading propaganda without even realizing it but I always put the disclaimer not to take my word seriously because it is clear I have no fucking idea of what I am talking about since the people at the top or people in my life have made it clear how mentally ill I am, so much so they will never take accountability for what they did and are essentially gangsters behind the scenes, and since they are sensitive as I am, they collectively can fuck my life up or others if I don’t comply with them. Even with me wanting to die, they will approach me privately and politic, if it is not trying to be my fucking manager, or telling me that I am needed here so that is why I can’t die. If I die, their connection to the system goes away so they rather make it seem they are inviting me places, which are limited, and people giving me attitude if I ask any questions about anything, but they do that so if anything good happens to me they can say they did this for me. These people plan this shit out and organize within group chats. I seriously think people from my past at the behest of the system will end up harming me and maybe even killing me when they don’t actually need me. It would not be obvious, it could be a simple heart attack and you would not even blink because “HELLO… HE SMOKES CIGARETTES AND EATS LIKE SHIT” Maybe they have instilled so much paranoia into my fucked up brain by bringing up that my family and friends hate me and that they are partaking in torturing me, but even if that is the case is that not evident enough that I don’t belong on this planet? This is not some cry for help but sometimes I need to get this shit off my chest.

Not only do I have to deal with racist Stern fans who despise me and constantly remind me that Howard is paying them to watch me and fuck with me and if I dare take it seriously then it is that Howard does not know who I am, so you cause a shit storm of rage from me which I happened to manage well at times, even though I have my manic meltdowns and now lately since I have been vocal about the WWE’s corruption, I have certain cliques of the wrestling community to come after me because I dare think Roman Reigns’ cancer may have been exaggerated and any questioning in it has lead to these people who seem to be so caring and outraged of the idea that it could be fake they want to come across and seem like they are the ones who are thinking clearly while they still support a racist company tied to a racist president and has so many past scandals that have been thrown under the rug from paying people off or having people sign non disclosures. The worst part about it is how WWE have branded with certain minority groups be their employed shills who call out certain racism like a Lars Sullivan or Hulk Hogan and maybe a little performative outrage about the Saudi deal, but then ignore the hidden system shit that exists. It drives me crazy when it is people from a marginalized group because even though people got to make their money and this is the game, but the hypocrisy drives me nuts. I am not totally against the stuff the views they have because maybe while they shill out for WWE they do call out other racist elements in the industry, like Sinclair broadcasting or how AEW has ties to Trump as well since the owners donated too but it just seems they do it while protecting themselves in this neoliberalism, and whenever I call them out for being employed, the same ones will show up with the same insults, which then I use the same insults as well then they call me out for using the same insults. It is funny because initially when I did a stream the night Reigns came back and made the announcement, and after these supposed shills shut down some of these people who were questioning it and I happened to stick to my guns on it, these same caring people have no problem not showing remorse when I put it out there I am “feeling kind of suicidal” and then they tell me to go do it, and that is fine. I am not here to cry about people being mean on the internet in this instance, maybe in other instances but that is a different story, but to show these people are actually soulless.

It is going to be hilarious when at some point the scandals of this company eventually do catch up with them and there is an actual revolution into the business but so many people have upheld the status quo because they want to be included, and while I wanted to be included in general, not WWE in particular, I have become such an outspoken enemy to people in the industry, with government connection they would put the word out that someone like me will be coming to the States and they will use it as an excuse to detail in, so they will limit the moves I make while solely blaming it on me and making it seem like it is all on me, and I will take responsibility for the blame I share but the key word is SHARE, because I am not the sole owner of this fucking entire fucking dilemma. It makes me sick that even loved ones I have known my entire life can so easily master this effort that has been taught to them and they constantly lie to me and hold me in a position while they make the connections that exist because of me being a fucking prostitute on the fucking Stern Show, which bullies you to call back in and stay reliant on him, and the genius is the employed fan boys there can make it seem like it is on the whack packers for calling in and no one is forcing them.

No media outlet will ever look into it because Howard is powerful while still coming off as irrelevant into today’s culture. I see people who often talk about injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere and while I am not on the list of insanely even more important shit but since the media can focus on a celebrity using the N word and have nonstop performative conversations about it like it is the be all end all of all discussion on racial inequality, I am sure you could go for someone who has pimped out people mentally and maybe sexually under the guise of entertainment while creating chaos in these people’s lives. I relate to others in these institutions mentally even though I have not gone through what they have physically, but that is why is makes me upset that no one will ever take a stand against these bullies.

I wonder if I am supposed to call it out and these people at the top are now playing roles of the villains when they were once revered in a positive light and they have to make it real thus making us really want to rise up and maybe because other people who are not as big but still have prominence are kind of woke but still have to kiss the elites ass help normalize these people and sometimes they are misunderstood it makes you have a case of constant cognitive dissonance and because I am already dumbed down, it makes me not being sure and I just want to be left alone forever and never be seen because no matter what people will eventually become the bad guy. I am already seen in such a fucking negative light and will always be a fucking joke who is probably one of the most pathetic and ugly people on the planet, why should I be here? And no this is not me feeling sorry for myself or asking for your pity, just like I don’t need your retweets, likes, internet points etc I do this because this is what I am feeling and if you feel it then good, if not then fuck you.

Look at how this generation gets put down for being “entitled” when the same public figures and their sycophants don’t acknowledge the tantrums they have had or the amount of shit hey had to do to get their spot because they were not strong enough to say no and you have that fucking audacity to fuck with people who know their value and won’t let these corporations pimp them out and use them until they are nothing. You have the audacity to blame us for people being outraged and being about free speech but you never acknowledge the right wing who become outraged about shit. And it is like these employed fan boys of these public figures are being so transparently defensive of their every fucking move, and as someone who used to be dumbed down and buy into that, I have now seen it for what it is, and even though not everything warrants a complaint, the utter hatred for the people rather than the system organizing this reaction really shows why nothing will ever fucking change.

If I end up being right and Vince McMahon has to answer for past scandals like all these other public figures, who were in prominent positions, but have to answer for it and now have to be the heels, then I wonder what scary shit these trolls will do because it seems they are sending more recently towards me. They will either have to retreat or finally admit they are part of that establishment clique and basically run good PR for them. The entire AEW thing too has become annoying because it seems like there are insufferable people shilling out for them too but I guess they are lesser of the evils, but I await when the day they become the established enemy since we all go in cycles.

I have not called into other wrestling radio shows because certain ones I helped prop up have fucked me over and have become more like Stern Show with their tactics, and always wanting me to kind of snap if they keep me on hold until the end so if I say anything they will ban me, and they were already limiting my topics when I would call in like bringing up the Reigns cancer being fake, and since I did not get to be part of their 10 year anniversary I decided not to even give that show any of my time, even if they don’t want to admit that I had more to do with the success, because you can’t have me buying into my own fucking hype. They have to keep me at a level, so I got sick of it and now I can see they will probably organize my platforms to fuck up so I won’t have a voice to speak on shit about the industry, especially if I don’t keep it within the parameters they would like me to.

At least the old youtuber that harassed me for the last year or so is paying the price by being exposed by his new reddit community that he used to clean up his image and do videos reading stories and since he could not help himself in not politicking to destroy someone with a bigger audience his community put two and two together that he was actually someone who was banned from youtube before. It was probably the funniest thing that I have laughed at since the remainder of shit in my life is completely sad. I wish it was Stern being exposed even though they have trained you to start thinking Howard was evil, by focusing on him in the Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon but painting him as the main guy to build up John Wayne as this ultimate victim, like it was meant to take attention away from raping and beating her and Howard being one of the main voices to say she was too ugly to rape, and it is so funny that it fooled me because all these liberals etc who are against that type of insults would pal around with Stern. See I am such a fucking dumbed down person that never could think for himself and just see what would be around me, in my house, school, television, movies, radio etc and just change my attitude according to whatever I felt kind of made sense, even if it was intellectualizing ignorance. I have to live with it every day but Stern and Vince McMahon are 2 of the people who helped poison the water supply into this culture. Would it be fair not to mention the good things they have done? Sure, but we blindly have given them credit for decades, and now it is time to point out there is more to this.

I will always be a fucking target and the best part is no one will care because literally everyone behind the scenes who knows of me, and even the people in my life probably have such a disdain for me and it is probably likewise since they could be protecting me but since they have inside information on my path, and not disclosing me it makes me envision the worst and it makes me think they will fucking end up harming me after a while or maybe it is just in my head. I feel like the more I look forward to these people go down from their throne, these people know any vindication will not be good for them because they won’t be able to control me like they have and tested my patience and mental health in the previous years while pretending they care about my mental health. I will pay for writing this blog and they will ensure that people continue to fuck me over.

I will never forgive any of these people who are supposed to be progressive not even bringing attention to what evil Howard Stern is, maybe because the last person who hinted Howard bought a car for someone who was not his girlfriend that reporter ended up being dead within a year so maybe people have learned to stay in their lane. Hopefully Stern and someone like Vince plot to kill me and they can get away with it. Don’t worry ITS MY MENTAL ILLNESS SINCE YOU GUYS WILL BE SAYING I AM MENTALLY ILL WHO NEEDS HELP AND IT IS NOT HELPING MY CASE BY TYPING IN ALL CAPS LIKE A FUCKING MANIAC AND IT HURTS SO MUCH I BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH BECAUSE YOUR JOKES AND INSULTS ARE SO PREDICTIVE, and also the fact you think because you pitch these jokes in your shitty group chats that they are funny, because you have other people starving to be funny telling you that it is good so you laugh at their jokes in return like it is some kind of quid pro quo deal, so now you think putting those insults online toward me will actually mean anything. Okay and even if you are funny then who gives a shit I am a mediocre irrelevant Pakistani in his mom’s basement who has no value but for some reason a bunch of trolls have to show up to tell me that when the irrelevancy should speak for itself correct? And if it does speak for itself then I can just type my opinions out without anyone making a fuss, until it is convenient since most of you are given permission when to be outraged about limited issues that does not give you the full view.

I hope you read this entire grammatical and spelling mess and it gives you a headache but most likely you will convince yourself to say you did not read it, even though you hang on to every fucking word like the doggies you are.

I was not going to post this shit but now the employed WWE stans are all in my facebook page leaving comments and I will repeat a line I said before, and I will repeat it over and over until WWE changes their creative since they give you the same shit all the time but calling me Mr. Potato Head is not really creative but since you are employed WWE stans, it tells you probably have some kind of say in the fucking creative. Keep spreading rumors of others being shady in the business while completely ignoring the systemic shit the company you stan for does. You better hope the Reigns shit is not a façade because I am fine looking stupid, I have looked stupid since the birth in this shit world, but are you prepared to look stupid and is it supposed to be this transparent that you are projecting onto others?

#WWE Hanzi Illuminati Howard Stern Vince McMahon corrupt shady trolls fan boys shills 2019 Mental Illness crutch retort harassment weak mind #Roman Reigns Cancer

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA

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scriptstructure · 7 years ago

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Tips for writing tragedy/stories where the hero loses? Also, somewhat relatedly, for writing stories where the overall theme or question driving the narrative isn't one where you, the author, have an answer so you'd rather just... ask? It's made it difficult for me to know how to end things but I'm still stuck with the fact I don't know the answer to the dilemma my characters are facing. Other than it feels like it has to end badly either for just one character or for all characters involved.

I’m not sure that these things are quite as intrinsically related as you think; you can have a tragedy where the driving question of the story is absolutely answered in the text, and you can have non-tragic stories where the central question is left ambiguous. I don’t think it’s necessary to have a definitive ‘answer’ to the central questions of a story because I don’t think that the function of a story is to provide answers. If anything, it’s to open up the space to consider all options, or to explore things that we are uncertain of, etc.

I think that if stories were only written where the author was setting out a definitive answer to the question the story poses, then there would be a lot more boring books in the world.

In large part, this is because stories deal with many of the same problems that we face in life, and much of life has no easy answers, and while in some cases easy answers can be comforting, that is not what all of literature is there to do, many stories there are no easy answers, or just more questions, sometimes the fact that the question is being asked is enough to drive the story and looking for an answer would be a whole ‘nother deal entirely.

The other other thing, is that you don’t need to have solid answers to start writing. It’s enough to ask. You don’t have to understand the meaning of your own work perfectly before you start on it, you’ll likely develop an understanding of what you’re doing as you do it, and often there will be things that you won’t see in your own work until much later, when you re-read it with new life experiences, or when someone else points things out to you that you hadn’t realised you put there.

Uncertainty and ambiguity aren’t inherently tragic, they’re just a part of life. Difficult to deal with, a lot of times sure, but also funny, interesting, puzzling, entertaining, there’s no tragedy in not being absolutely certain.

So, writing tragedies is pretty difficult, you’ve got the fact that it’s going to be a downer in some way at the end, along with that you’ve got to carry a whole story until that ending, and make it compelling enough that people won’t sit back after reading it and go ‘wow if I wanted to feel that depressed I’d just watch the six-o-clock news’. It’s a challenge, but it’s doable, and when done well it can make for a wrenching, fascinating story.

It’s important to consider why the tragedy occurs, there are many themes that can drive a tragic plot, such as corruption as in Hamlet, personal evil as with Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, natural entropy as in The Lord of the Rings, and as you figure out why the tragedy occurs, it will influence and be influenced by the nature of the world of the story.

Another vital element is character agency, this is the sense that the choices characters make and the actions they take in the story have real impact on the course of the plot, whether for good or for ill. Character agency is important in making the story feel less like ‘a lot of stuff just happens to this person’ and more like ‘this is the story of this person’s role in these events’.

Hamlet is an example that probably most people have read and studied at some point, the tragedy of the story is the decay of Denmark’s royal family, and Hamlet’s agency shows in the play as he makes many decisions that have consequences that change the flow of the story. You’ve probably done this part in school, where we learn that tragic heroes have what is called a ‘fatal flaw’ which means that they will be doomed to tragedy. Hamlet’s is often called his indecision, his unwillingness to kill his uncle.

In this set-up, the narrative see-saws back and forth as Hamlet wrestles with this decision, and it exposes ‘something rotten in the state of Denmark’ which brings the story down to the final moment where the slate has to be wiped clean and a new player steps in to take over. All the Danish royals are dead, and Fortinbras steps in to do a little speech about how there’s a bright future ahead now that he’s in charge.

So in Hamlet, the fuel of the tragedy is corruption of the institution of the monarchy, and Hamlet’s agency is the decisions that he makes during the course of the play (when he refrains from killing his uncle, when he accidentally kills Polonius, when he drives Ophelia mad, etc). There are very few parts of the story which aren’t directly linked to the choices that Hamlet makes, even if he makes bad decisions, is careless, cruel, or shortsighted, he has immense influence over his own story.

In Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, there is a similar thing happening, but instead of the corruption of a system of government, it is the nuclear family. Also, the story is narrated by the villain, and we know from the beginning that he will be dead very soon after the end of the story. The real tragedy is the evil he does along the way, most notably to the title character Lolita, the step-daughter he abuses and who eventually dies. The tragedy here is the gleeful destruction of innocence by a man driven by his own grotesque desires.

But both of these are very people-focussed tragedies. In each of these cases, these tragedies occur even though there are multiple opportunities for something to have been done differently and so change the outcome. The tragedy is in the missed opportunity, or in the decision to do the wrong thing.

The tragic narrative of The Lord of the Rings and the accompanying texts, most notably The Silmarillion is one which stems out of a basic reality of the world of the story. The wold was created imperfect, and is subject to entropic change over time. Even though there is a heroic narrative taking place where many characters will do their best, do the right thing, work for good, stick together, and they will manage to make a significant difference in the course of the story, there are massive, historical underlying forces which mean that the world can never go back or regain the former glory and goodness.

The scourge of Sauron is defeated, but the age of Elves ends, the ring is destroyed, but Frodo never recovers from his injuries, Saruman is defeated, but the Shire is never going to be the same as before the battle. In many ways, The Lord of the Rings is about dealing with the fallout of tragedy, informed by Tolkien’s experiences during and after World War 1, (HERE is an article that touches on that, written by his grandson Simon Tolkien). But it also deals with the premise of a flawed universe.

In the creation myth of Middle-earth, the world is sung into being, but as it forms a ‘discordant note’ enters the song, and the ripples of that fan out through the history of the world, it is linked directly to Morgoth, whose main drive is to corrupt elements of creation and sow discord, and later Sauron, Morgoth’s servant. This represents a sense that there is a force for decay built into the world of the story, and that if it weren’t for the heroes who stand up to face it, then it would be able to spread corruption and decay unchecked. The nature of an entropic universe is to fall into chaos, but that chaos can be mitigated, the form it takes altered.

The tragedy is that all things must end eventually, but the agency of the characters is that they can make a stand and say ‘not today’. They win, but at great cost, they return home and see how it is marked by what has occurred.

So some things to keep in mind when you’re writing a tragedy:

Figure out what kind of tragedy it is, what is the cause of the tragedy?

Ensure that your characters have agency, they must be able to take an active role in the events of the story.

Work out the scale of the tragedy, is this a personal, intimate story, or is it a metaphysical story? (could be both, most likely somewhere in the middle)

It could help to think of what the ‘happy’ version of the story might be, and that can help you visualise the tragedy as ‘what went wrong’--what made Hamlet go from a teen comedy about a couple of bros at college into the gorefest it ends up being?

I hope that helps, this is a pretty broad question though, so if I’ve missed the mark here, please do send a more specific question.

#writing #tragedies #Anonymous

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love-anewlyprofessionalperson · 7 years ago

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5 things June 18th

i. I have a head ache from staring at a screen all evening looking up medical terms. It’s neat that this is a thing I get to do, to learn about different diagnoses that impact children in hospital. It also feels like a Lot. A lot of learning. A lot of processing, and classifying happens and I don’t have much room to emotionally break down components of illness and disease... I am constantly reminded how lucky I am. Some days that reminder is a gift, other days it isn’t. The world is a chaotic mess and there are so many things that could go wrong during a person’s pregnancy, delivery, AND LIFE.

There are some of us that have just gotten off scot free, and others with cancer, or an extra chromosome, or fall off their bike, or get hit by a vehicle, or ... the list goes on.

ii. I’m 27. I don’t know what I thought about this age in previous years of my life. It seemed like an age I know I’d get to, but that’d be Some day, that’d be Far Away. And now I’m here and life keeps happening. This age thing is somehow unfortunately linked to a ridiculous Learned Notion about Getting Married. Sometimes I think having a significant other would do wonders to anchor me, and other times not. I’m realizing I always wrestle with a sense of Urgency, with a sense of What Next.

And for the time being, I don’t gotta be like that! I get to just Be and Enjoy my life. And also, it’s not like I’m just Being in a fucking hammock reading a book all the time I Am Doing Awesome Stuff. Things just feel steadily Career-focused and I’ll wonder when I’ll have the energy to do anything non-Career focused. Ultimately, it doesn’t Really Matter- theoretically, I could just Be Career-focused forever, with or without a partner.

I’m losing track of this point. Where I am going to be Next always freaks me out. But fuck it, I’ve worked so hard to Get Here, I might as well enjoy it/Be In It.

iii. My life is generally good. I always always think of ways to have some sort of ULTIMATE/extremely good life, and mostly those ways involve me depriving myself of shit which is kind of fucked up. Like OMG NO ONE CARES IF I DRINK POP AND USE FACEBOOK. I JUST DO. How do I let myself be Peaceful!?

iv. I’m excited to start Reading Again. (going to the library tomorrow post-work so I actually do it and actually go!) This will mean I’m looking at a book some evenings instead of my computer screen

v. Holy fuck I’ve missed a good Type it Out on Tumblr. Trying to live into Que Sera Sera is Really Hard sometimes.

#5 things #life musings #27 years old #tumblr type out

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theheightofdishonor · 7 years ago

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Jason Grace in TLO (ok i tried)

I swear, I was going to write a meta on Jason Grace, on how he’s perceived to be vs how he actually is and all that. Trying to pinpoint why exactly Jason in canon is a boring character. No offense, but for the most part, it’s more fandom than the actual books themselves that lead to a person to liking Jason as a character. Now, i’m not trying to say it’s like that for everyone, just that it seems to be true for a lot of people from what I've seen.

Anyway, I started reading the Lost Hero again, to really get that feel for him because I haven’t actually reread the HoO in a while and god, the books infuriate the crap out of me. I don’t remember being this frustrated with it before. I actually like the Lost Hero as a book. But this time, it annoyed me so much I literally couldn’t get through the book or focus enough to stay unbiased as I observed Jason throughout the book.

30 pages in, 30 pages and Jason’s still stumbling around. Now I understand the amnesia thing and he’s trying to figure everything out but there’s not a single instant where he’s solid about anything-except his minute jealousy/hatred of Dylan. I don’t understand why i’m supposed to like his character. Jason’s supposed to be a Roman, he’s supposed to be to Camp Jupiter what Percy is to Camp Half-blood. They’re supposed to be each other’s foils and I can’t see it. Except for his Latin knowledge and stuff, there’s nothing, nothing Roman about Jason at all. He’s been at Camp Jupiter for 12 years from what his SPQR tattoos tell us, far longer than Percy’s been at Camp Half-blood. Yet, how is it that I can’t see a single instance that would prove to me that this kid could stand Lupa’s training and make it to Camp Jupiter?

And we all know the seen in TLO where he’s all ‘I’m the son of Jupiter! I’m a child of Rome, etc’. The speech he gives to Porphyrion, the one that he rattles off like ‘he’s said them many times before’. Nothing in this book shows me that Jason Grace is the type of person to have rattled of his many titles/accomplishments well enough that it would come instinctively out of his mouth.

We don’t need a Roman that doesn’t really fit in, yet is respected, that’s what Frank ends up becoming. I want a Roman that is more, well, Roman. He doesn’t have to be full out Reyna about it but like enough to rival Percy’s Greekness should be good.

And for all this ‘Jason’s a natural leader!’ crap, he doesn’t have that confidence that comes with leadership. And yeah, you can make a shit ton of excuse but the thing is, Jason’s a son of Jupiter, he’s used to being looked up to for this kinda shit and it should be just as instinctual for him to act confident as it is for him to rattle of those names or speak Latin. He has this thing for emotionally closing himself off (that makes complete sense, btw and oh look, also adds another similarity between him and Percy) yet even that doesn’t kick in here. Romans are all about not showing weakness. I know that the point is that he’s supposed to be un-Roman enough to accept/like going over to the Greeks. (Rick FAILED trying to do the opposite by making Percy ‘want’ to go to/prefer Camp Jupiter because his loyalty to Camp Half-blood’s already been too well established and the whole thing ended up coming off as shabby and badly carried out) The problem with Jason is that we don’t see that he’s Roman to begin with. in SoN, Percy’s obviously not Roman, he doesn’t fit in. From the way he thinks to how he fights, he’s Greek. The same can’t be said for Jason. Despite his talk later on, we don’t ever actually see Jason being super attached to Camp Jupiter and it makes me wonder why he was the one send over.

The arc about choosing the other camp doesn’t make much sense to me with the two characters that Rick chooses. Yes, I can see why Percy of all people choosing the Roman Camp would mean something, but in-universe, Percy wouldn’t do that. It’s not believable enough. He may have been able to pull it off but Percy’s deeply rooted in camp and it’s just not played right. And Jason doesn’t come off as Roman enough for it to mean anything on his part. He has some emotional conflict regarding it later but it’s just a few thoughts and until that point, he’s never really shown attachment to the Roman camp or anything really to show that he was really influenced by the 12 fucking years he spent there. While that arc itself has some potential, it just doesn’t work.

Jason as a character doesn’t work for me. He’s so boring, so bland and it bores and infuriates me at the same time. Jason has so much potential. 12 years as a Roman, think of how that would affect him and his views on Camp Half-blood, more than ‘Greeks are so carefree!”. Think of the struggles he’d have wrestling with two vastly different mindsets, especially in TLO. He’s exposed to the Greek beliefs/world far earlier than Percy is to Roman. He’s latching on what they’re telling him because he hasn’t had time to really figure his beliefs and shit out for himself. The mental struggle that would cause later on as he starts to regain his instincts and previous mindset and finding his place in them? God, that could’ve been great. And way more of how his adventures in TLO affect how he sees his previous experiences at Camp Jupiter and flipped. Instead, we can’t pinpoint anything about his character. He’s kind, gentle and cute. Okay, what else? I want something more to his character than that. If you asked me to describe his character, I wouldn’t know how. There aren’t a lot of defining characteristics in his personality apart from the kind gentle thing and okay, maybe you could add that he’s a leader but on Jason, it’s more of a loose title he wears rather than a defining characteristic.

And his relationships as established in TLO. Okay, let’s talk about that. Jason’s two main relationships are with Leo and Piper.

With Piper, it’s more of a romantic sort. He sees her, knows they’re together, tries to get a feel for this girl and figure out what his feelings are towards her but assumes that if he does have them, they will definitely be on a romantic level. The thing with Jiper is that they could be great friends and we could see them bond as friends first and slowly reach the dating thing and you could argue that’s what Rick tries to do but it’s not well done. Jason’s thoughts on the subject don’t go far beyond ‘she’s cute, I wouldn’t mind dating her but I have a feeling I had some kinda thing going on w/ a girl back home’ while Piper can’t stop fixating on what she thought was a relationship with this guy and kinda just wants to get back there without redoing all the work which is admittedly understandable. They don’t really sit down and talk about this. They have moments but they don’t clear up what they think about each other and where they are with each other. And this is the most pushed, most shown dynamic between the trio of Jason, Leo, Piper. It leaves me dissatisfied and disinterested. The whole thing with Piper’s dad and that one other time they had a meaningful conversation was great but come on, that can’t be all they’re getting. We know they’ll end up together eventually, Jason mentions that he thinks she’s cute like on the second page but make it count.

This leads me to talk about Leo. Finally. Personally I think TLO is Leo’s book to shine. When I forced myself to read through the book for this reread, it confirmed Leo as my fav out of this trio (So far, this is before his character was reduced to the sum of his love interests) Now before I talk about Leo in regards to Jason, I wanted to note that Leo came off as extremely non-hetero to me, more than usual. He keeps focusing on girls-and in a horribly shallow way- almost obsessively. It’s like he’s consciously forcing himself to think about it either in order to avoid thinking about something else or to just convince himself that he should have his eye on a girl in a romantic nature at all times. It sounds a lot like I used to and just confirms ace!Leo.

Ok, now let’s actually talk about Jason and Leo. I hate it. Jason does this thing (less than Piper does but still) where he’s constantly wanting Leo out, there’s this general feeling that Leo is unwanted and only there to get in the way of Jason/Piper. Leo’s rarely deemed important enough to consider an equal, the honor goes to Piper. More often than not, he’s just there to be ‘annoying’. Though they keep talking and talking about how their great friendship, they never form one. Part of this is the fact that they don’t realize this is a problem that’s actually happening and part of it’s Jason and Piper’s unconscious attempts to put a distance there. I also feel like it acts to make Jason and Piper seem like an even stronger relationship in comparison to either of their dynamics with Leo but that could be just me. I’m not saying that Leo’s completely faultless here because he doesn’t do anything to resolve this though he constantly feels left out and like a third wheel despite his attempts to repress those feelings. Leo hides his pain with humor and as the story goes on, it feels as if he’s putting up more of a wall if anything because the he’s starting to feel hurt from the constant exclusion, enough that he can’t fully repress it. It sucks even more because if you think about it, they could be a great friendship. They both tend to repress their emotions, they don’t like sharing their personal feelings and thoughts with others, they’re a little slow to trust and that could help both of them, knowing someone who is like them and actively working together to get over/deal with those things together, a kin spirit in a way. Their surface differences would work to make it an even better relationship and we never see that.

Jason/Piper/Leo are meant to be like Percy/Hazel/Frank but in terms of bonds, the SoN trio is miles ahead of our TLO group. Jason’s relationships with Piper and Leo respectively are far more flimsy and ill-formed than Percy’s with Frank and Hazel. And this situation doesn’t give Percy the advantage because it has nothing to do with the audience being familiar with the character and everything to do with the author and how the story is set up/written. Where SoN is great in how it introduces new, likable characters, TLO almost completely fails. Now, it is partially that TLO has to work with three new characters while SoN only had two but that doesn’t excuse the vast differences in character quality.

Oh, before I end this post, I did want to talk Jason and Annabeth. One of my greater regrets, especially following the Mark of Athena and Annabeth’s distrust of Jason was that the relationship between the two didn’t ever go anywhere. Outside of a few moments, it was nonexistent. You’re telling me that TLO Jason would see this girl that should be familiar to him, if only because of her similarities to Reyna and not have an opinion on her above ‘she’s scary’? We know what his relationship was to be with Percy but Annabeth? I’d pay to see that; some kind of pivotal moment where her distrust of him leads somewhere or is played off or resolved or whatever. It could be one-sided or both with Jason being wary around this girl. And though Jason’s reformed to the Greek side, he’s apparently like still somewhat Roman? ( I don’t think he was really roman to begin with but whatevs) I wanna know though how a partial Roman/Greek would stand with Annabeth who out of the 7 is the only one that is completely unapologetically Greek; the only one who’s had as long of an experience at one camp as Jason has. Of course that would unsettle her a bit because she’s never wanted to be Roman and never will and she sees this guy who’s been going to one camp his entire life and you’re telling me she isn’t going to wonder how he could switch over so easily? AND, Annabeth not really liking Jason would def affect his relationship with Percy too. In short, those two could’ve been interesting. I’m not quite sure where I would’ve gone with it but it could’ve been interesting. And that’s all folks.

#jason grace meta #percy jackson #meta #TLO #the lost hero #piper mclean #leo valdez

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ronyxfic · 8 years ago

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Educating the Victim - Act V, Chapter XVII

Pairing: Pearl/Amethyst, Ruby/Sapphire

Rating: Teens and up

Warnings/Tags: alcohol, vomiting, non-explicit sexual innuendo.

Read it on AO3!

Educating the Victim Masterpost

(Previous chapter) (Next chapter)

Chapter 17: Closer

A few hours later, Ruby staggered out into a car loudly playing bubblegum pop music loudly enough to hear from a street ahead. Pearl couldn't help but feel a little relieved. Ruby could be a personality contest that she'd often lose.

"Do you wanna watch something else or just chill?" she asked, turning to Sapphire. Her hands were on the table to keep her drunk self up.

"Just chilling would be nice," Sapphire said. "You do know I like to chill."

She wasn't quite as drunk as Pearl was (she'd gone easy on the shots), so she just sat down again. "You should probably sit," she told Pearl.

"The sofa." Pearl nodded and attempted to gracefully walk over.

Attempted.

Once she crash landed on the couch, she hugged a pillow. "I think... I might break up."

Sapphire looked up, surprised. "With Rose?"

"Yeah. I'm. Mad and... angry at myself and... full of regret."

"Do you regret being with her?" Sapphire asked gently.

"I regret getting myself caught up in someone who had so many red flags. But that's the problem with rose-tinted glasses. All the red flags disappear."

"You seemed so happy with her when we last saw you," Sapphire said, "and when we -" She stopped herself. They hadn't told Pearl they'd gone to see Rose. "When we talked to her, she seemed to care about you a lot."

"Apparently... I'm just a phase."

"Only she can tell you that, Pearl," Sapphire said. "Not me, not Kai. Certainly not Diamond. Only Rose knows what you actually mean to her."

"It's not the first warning and... sometimes... I do get worried about it."

"Want to talk about it?" Sapphire asked. "I've got all night."

"I don't know. I'm not very stable or in the right frame of mind. I think I'm... splitting."

"Will you talk to her about it?"

"I'll have to."

Sapphire nodded. "Relationships are always hard, and you're in a very difficult situation to begin with. Love takes a lot of work. But talking to each other is important."

"I guess. Sometimes it feels like she's keeping things away from me. Like... the thing with Kai is complete news."

"You're worried what else she might be hiding," Sapphire said.

"Yeah. And... it's not just her. I've found out stuff about my sister and my friend and... it hurts. To be the last to know."

"It does," Sapphire agreed. "Who do you have that you trust?"

"The coach, maybe."

"Then you should talk to her," Sapphire said. "I mean, you can always call me as well... but I'm not around a lot of the time."

"I suppose I should. How could I, though? Hey, coach, I'm worried my teacher might be taking advantage of my feelings? Rose would get sent to jail."

"She hasn't done anything illegal," Sapphire said. "You're an adult, it's not sexual - unless there's something you haven't told me?"

"I wish. But she might get hurt. It's still not with the staff policy to see students."

"Definitely not. So what are you doing to do?"

"I... don't know." Pearl hesitated. "I just. I'm starting to split a little. And by a little, I mean kind of completely. It's like... all at once, everything horrible about her is starting to become apparent. Who the fuck dates mentally ill students when it's convenient?" She began to shake a little. "Am I... being groomed?"

"I can't tell you that." Sapphire sighed. "Hey, don't freak out. Can I get you anything? Another drink, maybe? If you want to talk about it, you can."

"It's just. Painful to think about." Pearl raised her glass. "Let's get more pissed. I want to forget about all this."

"I can do that," Sapphire said, getting up to get more drinks, mixing herself another gin and tonic. "What do you want?"

"Anything that won't make me puke but will still wipe this hard drive of mine clean. Vodka."

"Got that. You wanna mix it with anything? We have coke, orange juice..." Sapphire pulled out the half-empty bottle and a glass.

"I can do shots."

"Okay," Sapphire said. There was a packet of plastic shot glasses; she took one and brought it back to Pearl. "I hope you'll forgive me for not joining you," she said softly as she sat back down, handing the drink to Pearl.

"You can make sure I pass out somewhere safe."

"Oh, I have no intention of letting you leave this flat," Sapphire said light-heartedly. "You don't have plans, do you?"

"Did all my homework in the week. I'm good."

"Good," Sapphire said. She took a sip from her drink. "So, let's change the subject. Unless you want to talk about this more."

"Anything interesting happening in your life? Uni? Secret underground rebellions against the man?"

"Well," Sapphire said, "Ruby identifies as nonbinary now - I don't know if they've told you, but they're okay with you knowing either way. Um." She hesitated, wondering if it was a good idea to let Pearl know they'd seen Miss Quartz only a few days ago.

"Huh. Okay, I'll try and keep things gender neutral." Pearl took a shot. "Oh. That's... harsh."

"You sure you don't want to mix it? We have a few things."

Pearl pulled a face. "Pass the coke, please. Or Doctor Pepper."

Sapphire got up to get the drink for Pearl and then sat back down. "Here you are. ...well, there's not that much going on here. I mean, Ruby has lots of friends, but I mostly keep to myself."

"Joined any societies?" Pearl poured more vodka into a bigger cup and then filled it with coke.

"Ruby has," Sapphire said. "Boxing, Spanish, D&D. She's - they're enjoying it a lot, making lots of friends. I'm not that much of a people person, but I'm glad Ruby is having fun."

"But you should have fun too." Pearl slurred behind a mixer.

"They've taken me to a few events. D&D is fun, but I seem to be far too good at figuring out what's going to happen next, which kind of takes the fun out of it." Sapphire shrugged. "I can deal with it. I mostly just stay in and watch things. That's fun too."

"Eh. I guess that's the case with us introverts. I went to a wrestling match. I need to hang out with Amy more. Get drunk more."

"Isn't she the one you slept with?" Sapphire asked, her eyes flickering down to the hickeys on Pearl's neck.

"Yeah. I guess I should chase her up about it at some point. She left before I woke up." Another sip.

"Sounds like quite a situation. Speaking of situations -"

Sapphire set down her drink and leaned forward.

"Are you still as... taken with the Principal as you were a few weeks ago?"

"Split. Crazy split. Called her a cunt to her face and she outed my sister as gay."

"Hmm." Sapphire took up her drink again. This was... good, but also bad. "Is she going after you?" she asked.

"Who knows? Probably. Maybe she'll get me to finally kill myself. Little will she know it'll actually be a favour."

Sapphire leaned over, put a hand on Pearl's arm.

"Don't say that. You're protected. And you're loved. There's plenty of people in that school who won't let anything happen to you."

"Who knows anymore? Clearly Rose is just out to make me a project. The Principal wants me dead and I haven't spoken to Aurora with kindness since last year."

"This doesn't mean Rose won't protect you," Sapphire said. "And what about the coach? What about Amy? Your sister... might have some reservations." She frowned; she remembered Aurora from before the accident as she'd often been the one to pick up Pearl from rehearsals. Had often been the only member of Pearl's family to attend performances. "But she loves you. And she'll protect you, too, I'm sure."

"I can't trust anyone. I've managed to realise that tonight."

"That is not a very healthy attitude to have, Pearl."

"It's my attitude and I'm unhealthy. Deal with it."

"I can still tell you it's unhealthy," Sapphire said. Noticed that the bottle she'd given Pearl was nearly empty, so she went to fetch another one. "And it's not the only unhealthy attitude you have. I'm still your friend and I want to see you happy. Attitudes like that won't make you happy."

"I just need to work my head out of this."

Sapphire handed her the second bottle. "This will help."

"Does your foresight see it?" Pearl opened the vodka.

"Yes. I also foresee that you'll get rather tired soon. I can make up the couch for you, if you want."

"Please." Pearl nodded, pouring herself another glass. "I would appreciate that."

"Okay." Sapphire got up to get bedding and a pillow. "Here you go," she said, dumping it on the sofa. "This should be okay."

"Would you still stay with me?"

"Sure," Sapphire said. "I can stay for a while. I'll probably not go to sleep until Ruby comes back anyway."

"Thanks. I hope she's-... they're okay with us just hanging out again."

"Sure they are. It's not like there's anything that could happen."

Pearl looked away from Sapphire. "Hah. Yeah."

Sapphire recognised that look and frowned. "Don't act like that, Pearl. You know I'm in a committed monogamous relationship and I have no interest in you that way. Just because we're both gay girls doesn't mean things have to happen. They won't. And that doesn't mean I care about you any less."

Pearl merely shrugged. "I'm aware."

"Good." Sapphire had another sip from her drink.

"So. Any dirt on people I don't know from your course?"

"Hmm. I don't really like badmouthing people," Sapphire said. "But having said that, there's this one girl Holly that I absolutely can't stand."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She sucks up to the professors so much and thinks she's better than everyone else because of that. The way she treats some of the people in the class..." Sapphire shook her head. "Absolutely revolting."

"Have you guys reported her?"

Sapphire raised her shoulders. "For what? And anyway, all the professors love her. She's kissing their asses so much."

"Oh man. That's rough."

"I can deal." Sapphire shrugged. "Do you want anything else before you go to bed?"

"I think I'll be okay." Pearl yawned into the sheet.

"Okay. The bathroom is just down the hall. Do you want me to stay here for a bit?"

"Please." Pearl sat up to finish her drink.

Sapphire had finished hers. She pulled out her phone; she had a message from Ruby.

‘Having lots of fun! Miss you though!’

Sapphire smiled at her phone and composed a message back.

‘Miss you too. I'll stay up til you get home. Love you :*’

"I'm gonna go and brush my teeth." Pearl called out as she wobbled in the direction of the rest room.

"Okay," Sapphire called back, looking up from her phone only for a moment before going to the bedroom to change into her pyjamas.

Pearl staggered in and took about ten seconds before lunging for the toilet and vomiting her guts out.

Sapphire heard, and frowned. Not an unexpected turn of events, but a worrying one. She found a bucket and put it into the living room next to the couch, then went to get some water from the kitchen before making her way to the bathroom and knocking on the door lightly.

"Are you okay, Pearl? Do you need me to come in?"

"It's not pretty." Pearl retched again and replied with a muffled, "Had too much booze."

"I figured. Do you need any help?"

"It's got to be nearly over, isn't it?" Pearl asked, her insides aflame.

Sapphire remembered the fact that Pearl had had almost an entire bottle of vodka to herself along with a few ciders. "You might still have a little more fun with it," she said. "I've put a bucket next to the sofa in the living room just in case."

Pearl flushed, wiped her mouth and stumbled out. "I'll try and keep it... together."

Sapphire handed her the glass. "I got you some water. It might be a good idea to have some more. But be careful. Small sips."

Pearl shot a grateful look as she took the glass. "Thanks. I'll try and take things slow. I'm still very drunk."

"Evidently. Do you need me to support you back to the living room?"

"Some help would be nice."

Sapphire put a hand around Pearl's waist. "I got you," she said. "Small steps."

They carefully made it to the sofa, where Pearl sat herself on the blanket. "Sorry."

"There's no need to be," Sapphire said smoothly. "It was inevitable."

"Maybe having something to graze on might help it stabilise." Pearl groaned.

Sapphire found a packet of crisps. Ready salted. "How about this?"

"Perfect. Those are my favourite. They're... salty."

A small smile. "You've always been a saltwater Pearl," Sapphire agreed, tossing her the crisps.

Pearl carefully put one in her mouth, trying to rid herself of the taste of sick. "Does this happen a lot to you guys?"

"What exactly?"

"Drinking enough for negative consequences."

"I've never gone that far," Sapphire said. "I know when to stop. Ruby has had their... experiences, though."

"Who are they with tonight, anyway?"

"The Spanish gang. They're decent guys. I know them peripherally. They'll look after Ruby."

"Oh yeah, they're doing Spanish. What's the deal with that?"

"Apparently their parties are, as Ruby says, 'the bomb'," Sapphire said. "They always make sure Ruby gets back here safe and sound, though."

"I've barely been to any this year. It's so lonely."

"You can probably join them, if you ask," Sapphire said. "You could bring your friend, too. Amy? Maybe you should both come here one time."

"She'd like that. She's more social than me."

"Good, good. We're off on easter holidays in a few weeks, so you can come here whenever."

Pearl nodded before yawning. "I'll wait before brushing. Just in case."

"That's reasonable. You don't mind if I go, do you?"

"Sure, it's late."

Sapphire nodded. "I'll be back to check on you in a bit," she said, then went to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Pearl found her phone and drunkenly swiped her thumb until it accidentally pressed contacts. Amethyst came up first.

No. She should speak to her face to face.

She groaned as she sent 'Heyyy sexy' by accident.

It just so happened that Amethyst was at home, high, and she immediately saw Pearl's text.

And she was high, so it was okay - despite the fact that earlier this morning, she'd dreaded talking to Pearl.

'hey there hot stuff'

'whats up'

'With some gal pals... Well. Just one gal. We're alone and very drunk. I puked. It was not... sexy. Where did you run away this morning?'

Amethyst frowned at her phone.

'huh, sounds fun'

'went home cus rori was worried, sorry i didnt wake you'

It wasn't technically a lie.

'Ahh. I guess I'll see you Monday after homeroom. You've got a study period first too, right?'

'yeah'

'you up to anything fun'

'Just about to try sleeping this off'

Just in that moment, Sapphire poked her head through the door.

"You still okay, Pearl?" she asked.

"Yeah! Just messaging Amy."

"That sounds nice," Sapphire said.

Just then Pearl's phone buzzed with another message.

'boring. youre not going out or anything?'

'Do you wanna see me?'

She smirked naughtily. "I'm probably gonna sleep."

"Okay then. You want me to stick around for a bit?"

'why, you offering?'

"I think it might be best if I nod off soon. Though Amy sounds like she wants to see me."

'Depends if you can be bothered'

"Well, as long as you're not leaving the flat I'm fine with anything," Sapphire said. "Just because I don't trust you to be out by yourself in this state. Sleep well!"

'just for clarification'

'what is it exactly that youre offering'

"Goodnight!" Pearl called back and waited for Sapphire to leave before briskly stripping off her top and taking a snap.

'Just some company if you're lonely.'

Amethyst got the message. Her eyes widened.

'damn son, u so pretty'

'u wanna see me?'

'I'll show you mine if you show me yours.' Pearl giggled as she sent another picture.

Amethyst didn't need to be asked twice. She stripped her top off and took a picture. It was dark and the picture left a lot to the imagination, but she sent it anyway.

Pearl inspected the image. 'Hmm. Nice. Everyone kept asking me about your marks. Where'd you learn to do that?'

'i guess im just a sucker :p'

'Do you think I should hide them tomorrow?'

Something rather... nasty and spiteful reared its head inside Amethyst.

Mostly at the thought of Miss Quartz seeing the hickeys on Pearl.

'nah itll be funny'

Pearl chuckled. 'Okay then. I'll wear a v neck and everyone will see.'

'good'

'u wanna see more pics'

'Sure. If you feel like sharing.'

Amy grinned, and sent another picture. 'ur welcome'

'Ooh, attitude, nice.'

In the next picture, Amethyst was poking out her tongue. 'ill give u attitude'

'Put that back in.'

Raised eyebrows in addition to the tongue. 'or what?'

'I'll stop replying~'

'you wouldnt dare'

She merely shrugged and laid down. Amethyst could wait.

Amethyst pouted at her phone, realising no reply was coming.

After about five minutes, she gave up and sent a picture with her lips blowing a kiss. 'fine, you win. its a good thing youre pretty'

Pearl smirked. 'Good.'

Amethyst sent a picture of her rolling her eyes.

'i thought u were going to sleep'

'I can go.'

'no man im just messin'

'i like talking to u like this'

Another picture, her tongue poking out just a little bit.

'You're the worst. Why do I love you again?'

Amethyst froze.

'wait. you do?'

'Well, obviously!'

In response, Amethyst just sent a picture of her blushing, flower crown filter applied.

'That's a good look.'

'why thank you!'

'wanna call or are you too tired'

‘We could. I might be a bit quiet.'

Amethyst smiled and dialled Pearl.

Pearl picked up on the second ring and whispered. "Hi. You okay?"

"Yeah! Hiiiigh." Amy drew out the word and chuckled. "You look so pretty today. I kinda regret leaving so early this morning."

"I wish you'd stayed. There was some business you left over," Pearl purred, smiling. "You look divine, too."

"Oh, what sorta business?" Amy asked, grinning.

"You forgot to finish playing with our toys," Pearl whispered, breathy.

Amy frowned, then remembered something. "Oh man, didn't you still have the plug in?" She laughed loudly. "That's hilarious, P."

"Hush! Yes. I'm trying to flirt!"

Amethyst laughed louder. "I'm probably too high for anything serious right now," she said. "Love you, though."

"That's fair. Love you...Too." Pearl smiled. "Anything exciting happen today?"

"Eh, not really. Got home, made food, napped some more, got more high. You? Who's it you're visiting anyway?"

"Some university friends," Pearl replied, playing with her own hair. "You know how I've got a thing for older women."

"People from last year? I thought you fell out with all of them." Amy couldn't help a twinge of jealousy.

"Found them at Uni. One of my closer friends. We used to have fun but don't worry, she's all settled down with a partner."

Amy raised an eyebrow. "She's not poly by any chance, is she?" She wondered how much of her bitterness bled into her voice.

"I'd have to ask. Why, you wanna see her?"

"No, but you might."

"Ah. No chance, I think she's lost interest in me. A shame, like I said, we used to have fun. But I have you now."

"Yeah, I guess." Amy felt warm inside. "Wish you were here. I'd like to kiss you."

"Would you, now? Why is it you're always like that when you're high?"

Amy blushed. "Cus you're hot and outta my league."

"You doubt yourself too much, Amethyst. You're so precious."

"Ok but you're still way outta my league." Amy leant back. "Which I happen to be very aware of when sober."

"If it helps, I never even knew the league was there. I just like you."

"Weirdo. I'm not attractive in any way." She shrugged and grabbed her box to roll another joint.

"As a spector of your nude pieces, I disagree."

"Well, you're weird." Amy smiled. "We should hang out more. Outside of school, I mean."

"You like parties?"

"Yeah!" Especially if she got to make out with someone cute.

"Got invited to some college ones. You should come along. We could get hammered and pretend to be adults."

"Yeah man, that sounds awesome," Amy said. "I'm totally up for that. When?"

"I'll have to ask. Ruby went out to one tonight."

"Sounds cool." Amy finished rolling her joint and looked up. "What about... just us?" She blushed again, then added, "You know."

Pearl didn't seem to catch on. "We hang out a lot at school. I guess we could try catching up after. There's an arcade downtown, right?"

"I meant kinda like... last night. It was nice."

"Oh, you want to fuck?"

Amy blushed more. "Y-yeah, I guess," she stammered, caught by surprise.

Pearl shrugged, it seemed Rose would be left on the back burner for a while, anyway. Not that she was getting much action on that front. "Sure. Mine or yours?"

"Yours, probably. I mean," Amethyst cast a quick look towards Aurora's room, "I dunno if you wanna come here."

"True." Pearl sighed. "I'll see if I can ask the folks when they're out. They might be going on another trip again soon-though that means Blue might crash over."

"Blue has a partner who she lives with, why would she wanna come to yours?"

"She has a room here. With her stuff." Pearl frowned. "Maybe I should investigate."

"Maybe," Amy said. "I mean, the other option would be to come here and actually talk to your other sister."

"Nah, I mean - check out Blue's room. See if she has any secret diaries."

"You think she does?"

"Everyone's got secrets."

"From like when she was a teenager? Must be thrilling."

"Hey. Those were crazy days."

"I don't doubt that," Amethyst said, yawning. "But it's also ages ago."

"She never let me know back then."

"Why do you wanna know, anyway?" Amethyst asked.

"I just... do. She knows like all of my secrets."

"Well, duh. I mean, you were basically brought up by Aurora, who tells her like... everything." Amethyst shrugged, realising too late that Pearl wouldn't be able to see.

"Exactly." Pearl sounded giddy. "Equivalent exchange. I'm going to go and find my end of the bargain."

"Or you could just ask Rori. She'd probably be more than happy to tell you all sorts of stuff about Blue."

"As if I'm going to talk to her. Fuck, Amethyst."

"Well, maybe you should," Amethyst said. "You'd probably benefit from it. She's not evil, ya know."

"Amy, you know what she did to me. I can't just... forgive her."

"Fine, you do you." It's not like I have to put up with both of you talking about each other instead of to each other all the time. She swallowed that remark. "I should sleep soon."

"Alright." Pearl giggled. "It was nice to... hear your voice. And to see you like that. I got... kinda worried."

"Worried about what?"

"You just left. I was scared you weren't... happy with me."

"Nah, I'm just a shit when I'm sober. Sorry." Amethyst grinned. "But I'll be less of a shit when I see you on Monday. I promise."

Pearl yawned, her drunken sleepiness catching up with her. "Only if you promise."

"I pinky promise," Amy said. "I should sleep, though. And you too, it sounds like. Love you."

"I'll see you tomorrow." Pearl nodded sleepily, not quite registering the 'I love you'.

Amethyst noticed the lack of response. She pouted, tried not to think too much of it. "Good night."

Pearl hung up and smuggled her way up to the pillow. It smelt of Sapphire - she'd gotten nostalgic for the smell of her old high school life with people she actually knew. It happened to only be now that she realised just how empty high school was with only one friend. She couldn't always see Rose and barely connected to any of her peers.

Maybe university would be different.

She closed her eyes.

> Act V, Chapter XVIII

#pearlmethyst #rupphire #steven universe #su pearl #su amethyst #su sapphire #su ruby #su fanfic #educating the victim #etv act 5 #roleplay logs #illustrated

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jmertss · 8 years ago

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Sherlock presumes that deception is a beautiful, ugly thing in “The Lying Detective”

SHERLOCK: “THE LYING DETECTIVE” REVIEW

*****SPOILERS FOLLOW*****

I had acknowledged in my review of "The Six Thatchers" that Mary's death could be good for Sherlock in the sense that Holmes and Watson's relationship could once again become the focal point. It's a shared character arc with a relevant history; one that we, as fans, have greatly appreciated since the moment they took on their first case together. Considering the separate instabilities of both gentlemen (Holmes and his drug problem, Watson and the loss of his beloved wife), it's only appropriate that the show hone in on their woes, and "The Lying Detective" does that with impeccable craftsmanship.

There were many defining moments in "The Lying Detective" that convinced me of Sherlock's return to form, but those mean nothing without the episode's mesmerizing first thirty minutes. The way Sherlock mentally undresses the state of his latest client, “Faith”, and then quickly becomes keen of her suicidal disposition is wonderfully presented with the visual of his heroin usage hindering his thinking process. The casual stroll down the streets of London is book-ended with a pair of fantastic scenes where Sherlock continues to peel off more underlying factors in his client's life while she acknowledges his growing empathy for her. Sherlock visually deciphering the dimensions of her apartment in-between all that is a marvel for the eyes to behold, especially when considering the heightened presence his drugs have started to take. The twist at the conclusion of this act, with Mrs. Hudson apprehending Mr. Holmes and interrupting Watson's therapy session, brings every element the episode initially touches on together. From this point on, I was virtually at the edge of my seat in a way Sherlock hasn't demanded in quite some time.

For pretty much the entirety of this week's episode, everything seemed to just...click. Even if you took out the discovery that Faith the client was actually Sherlock's secret sister, Eurus, I'd still love the way she quietly encouraged Sherlock's explicit curiosities and suppositions. Seeing Sherlock both remain on the Mount Olympus of deductive reasoning and establish his genuine care for her well-being, even in his relatively unstable state, was remarkably effective. Ditto for Holmes's elaborate scheme revolved around Watson, which would have been pretty darn enthralling even without the exposition of Mary's "Miss Me?" DVD. His uncanny ability to both surmise Culverton Smith as a serial killer and manufacture a proud display of media-crazed contempt against him perfectly aligns with the fractured condition of his friendship to John.

The brilliance in this specific series of events was hiding in plain sight, but Sherlock makes it work in cohesive bliss by playing off of tired tropes. Toby Jones's gradual descent into revolting maliciousness makes it far too easy to bet on Smith's wicked turn against Sherlock at the end - yet that's the point all along. Holmes drags John up, down and around Culverton's hospital to milk every ounce of festering vile the foul-toothed gentlemen possesses, knowing that his immense wealth and social stature will retract all of the detective's hostile accusations. Watson is little more than a witness to the increasingly intense animosity between Holmes and Smith, yet that's exactly what Sherlock wants.

The drug-infused disposition coupled with the publicized baffling Sherlock generally experiences during this sequence is the perfect fuel for John's eventual lashing out, and the show gets there at the height of his anger. The residual effects of watching Culverton do stuff like proudly advocate a discussion about serial killers in front of innocent, young children still lingers with Watson. However, the moment where he punches his longtime partner in the face is produced from an exclusive outlet of emotions; this couldn't be more personal. Here, Watson truly realizes what it's like to be in a position to make a difference, and decides to act on that impulse. Mary is dead in part because he didn't do enough to protect her, but Sherlock - regardless of his efforts - shares some of that responsibility, yet here he stands wasting his genius and making a mockery of himself. For Sherlock, that feeling, that perception, is the expectation of weeks' worth of planning; for John, that's the reality. (Side note: Having re-watched this episode, it's really impressive how layered [and how much more enjoyable the second time around] Sherlock's plan is.)

Mary's overall involvement in all of this is very polarizing, but I can't help but be among the minority who are neither pleased nor bothered by her hallucinogenic appearance. I kinda see what Sherlock was after by giving Watson a voice in his head that he could see, but this is such an overused technique that it became frustrating to have at all. Personally, I don't think Mary was around long enough to be a convincing figure in this light, and I felt that both the therapy sessions and the reluctant team-up with Holmes carried enough emotional ties to Watson's pathos; there's not much else we could've possibly gotten from seeing him mentally wrestle with a ghost. This is a complaint that's pretty much cancelled out, however, by Watson's reveal that he merely cheated on Mary by simply texting the girl on the bus, and that he is prepared to be the man Mary "thought he was"; a gripping little instance that hits home thanks to Martin Freeman's touching delivery.

That and Benedict Cumberbatch's predictably brilliant performance headline an extraordinary tabling of acting in "The Lying Detective" that elevates the rest of the episode's shifting plates. Sian Brooke faces no easy task as the secret Holmes sister, but she champions the role with a gravitating, deceptively commanding approach to the script. Whether she's parading around glaring vulnerabilities to Sherlock as Faith, or slowly taking over an innocent-turned-tense therapy session right before Watson's eyes, Brooke quickly leads us to determine that Eurus is quite the compelling individual. The aforementioned Toby Jones comes off a bit stale at first, but once the script grants him more flexibility later on he absolutely takes off with the character's malevolence. We even got Una Stubbs stepping out of the Baker Street residence and into an Aston Martin(!), showing us a more refined side to Mrs. Hudson ("You're not my first smackhead, Sherlock Holmes!") and flaunting that endearing chemistry she's always shared with the main cast.

Few episodes in this entire series could top the highs displayed here, and part of that has to do with the excellent way it closes out. Sherlock and Watson's hug not only resurfaces their relationship back on solid ground, but gives it an added depth: by seeing the worst in each other, they've emerged more enlightened than they once were, and are more emotionally entangled. To snatch that away so suddenly with Eurus murdering Watson would be a stretch - even for a show of this caliber - but I love the volatility behind the cliffhanger. We have to question the note and the tiny living space in which it presided, as well as the former lover Eurus once had - all of which could factor in the season finale in a huge way. There's an open-endedness to those final seconds that should have many heads spinning, because if nothing else Eurus could be synonymous with far more variables than we could theorize.

Here are a few extra notes I'd like to cover before I conclude:

"And you know why they dropped you, dear? Because they know you."

The scene where Smallwood leaves her private number with Mycroft is obviously an invitation for something more than a few drinks, but I can't help but think that there's a deeper intention at play. I have terrible memory with secondary characters, and I haven't seen "His Last Vow" since the night it originally aired, so I have very little to tack on my suspicions - but surely this potential fling Smallwood is pursuing is for non-intimate reasons, right??

I'm still bothered by the severe lack of supervision over Sherlock on Myrcroft's part. At one point, he says that Sherlock going rogue is a legitimate security concern, yet his little brother is roaming the streets high off of heroin with a roommate who supplies him behind closed doors. I get that Sherlock purposefully used as a part of his grand scheme, but I would think big brother would be on top of keeping him clean above all else.

Mrs. Hudson reaches unforeseen levels of badassery this week, and it really doesn't stop with the car. The way she effortlessly figured out where Sherlock laid out his latest "unsolved problem" was just awesome, and she even had a chance to embarrass Mycroft ("He has no idea what an idiot you are!")

Watson now knows that Irene Adler is still alive, and the first thing he tells Sherlock to do is text her back. This was a proud moment for me, seeing as how John uses the tragedy of his own marriage to give his close friend solid insight. He wants what's best for Sherlock, and realizes that he may be missing out on the kind of special relationship he had just lost with Mary. If Sherlock could also have that, John would rather he did; stubbornly brushing it aside with occasional texts seems insulting to Watson.

The Verdict:

Sherlock came back in full form this week, placing its attention back on its central dynamic in a dark, riveting ninety minutes of expertly-written entertainment. The use of this week's latest bad guy lent to the growing conflict between Holmes and Watson in the best possible way, while the eventual resolve was met with a brilliant character reveal and a (potentially) devastating cliffhanger. "The Lying Detective" still consists of a few ill-advised decisions, but I can't remember the last time I watched Sherlock and was as immersed in what was currently unfolding and excited for what's to come afterward.

RATING: 9

+ Toby Jones as Culverton Smith

+ Sherlock's grand scheme to get Watson to his boiling point

+ Faith, and then that Eurus reveal!

+ Basically every scene with Mrs. Hudson

- While not a terrible idea, I wasn't the biggest fan of Ghost Mary

- Would like to see Mycroft watch over Sherlock more intently, drugs or no drugs

#yahoo blogger network #tv #sherlock #sherlock the lying detective #sherlock the lying detective review #sherlock yahoo #sherlock yahoo blogger network #sherlock the lying detective yahoo #sherlock the lying detective yahoo blogger network #sherlock pbs #sherlock masterpiece mystery #sherlock bbc #sherlock holmes #toby jones #culverton smith #tv reviews #sherlock season 4 #sherlock season 4 yahoo #sherlock season 4 yahoo blogger network

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allthatwehear · 5 years ago

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WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF.

there is this phenomenon in our society, and though some days it does feel like it is unique to only me, it effects all the broken, hurting, grieving, struggling. this is for the broken ones--the ones who feel like they are so alone in their grief, alone in their difficult circumstances, because no one is asking you the real, honest questions. for the ones who are not being asked how you are. this is for you, who is not being checked up on, who wonders who on earth cares out there, and feels like no one does. i am sorry that you have to be in a society where mourning--honestly, any slight expression of sadness and grief, causes the ones you love and need most to clam up and disappear when they should be rightfully by your side. i know you: i sometimes cry up at that big expanse of sky and scream at a God I wish I knew existed, begging Him where on earth are the good ones, the ones who will help me through this. Why aren’t they helping: because i am surviving, but my cowardly society is killing.

for you, mourner, for you, weary. and for you--reader, I hope this stirs something in you, because maybe there is someone you could be helping right now.

as i came home from a traumatic weekend, i looked around me in wonder at the ones who knew my story (some more than others), and yet chose not to ask the seemingly obvious questions, “how is your sister”, “how is your family”, “how are you”. The daily “how are you texts” ended the moment i stepped off the plane from being sarah, in crisis, far away in colorado, to sarah, back in washington, at school. i had spent the past four days in a hospital room, crammed with family members, wringing our hands for our loved one, Juge. my oldest sibling, my heart and soul. precious Juge has been surviving an aggressive and rare (1%, actually) brain cancer, yet it grew rapidly in about three months. the situation from here is difficult to predict--but I love Juge, and our hearts are breaking.

i felt like something in me died, and i certainly walked around the airport like someone did. first with caroline, four years back, a suicide left in my gaping palms, to another sibling’s cancer. i, perhaps stupidly, flew back to school, and the response was jolting.

Oh, she must be alright, she’s back at school. Or maybe, her sibling is still alive, it’s cool. but guess what? my crisis didn’t end--my sibling is still ill--and i am still, hurting.

and so, i am urged to write this, perhaps as a way to educate the people who need a bit of empathy training, and to a society I am wildly frustrated with. I wrestled with sending a message to close friends, asking for help, because I felt like it was prompting attention: but no, it was asking for what I needed. but you know what got me--that i had to be the one to ask. that when i came back into my house, i still hid behind corners or in long showers to cry, because i knew how uncomfortable/scared/cowardly/whatever the hell it is people were going to be awkward witnessing it.

i yelled to my friend the other day; there is one thing that someone who is struggling never has the bandwidth to do--and quite frankly--shouldn’t have to do--and that is to ask for help. To ask for friends. Why would that ever be something strugglers must do? doesn’t that seem like a backwards system; i come home from nearly losing yet another loved one, and i am asking for coffee dates, meals, whatnot? where are the people? this is what I have learned over years and years of holding my sister’s suicide in my hands, lifting it up to others and begging for someone to hold me and continuously support me in my life: I got frightened stammers, half-ass sympathetic “i’m sorry’s”--or worse, told my whole life story, only to never have it asked about again. broken ones--we are invisible. because broken ones--we unfortunately know what hurting ones need, but the non-(severely) hurting are scared. it feels like the people who you most expect to reach out and love you when you are hurting--don’t.

let me explain a little more, because like all things, a lot of these attributes are ingrained in us. We are products of our culture, and sadly, American culture epically fails when it comes to the hard stuff like emotional pain, mental illness, suicide, cancer. Epically fails at the hard questions. our society is easily made uncomfortable; think of how unsettled people get by the word “suicide”--they think if they talk about it, somehow they’re going to cause someone to kill themselves. human beings want to restore a sense of normalcy as quickly as possible... it’s human nature, I guess. It is prevalent in our culture to gulp down feelings and difficulties and not address them (which not only causes issues and harm to ourselves, when we don’t address our personal problems), but it kills the ones who are wrestling, and don’t have you to help them.

because what... you are too afraid to ask?

this is an actual conundrum to me, and an actual place I lack real grace in (God, help me).

i don’t understand why, if you knew in the midst of someone you love’s pain, you are not asking them they hard questions up front. “is this serious?” “are you going to make it?” “have you slept at all, have you eaten?” “what can I do?”

why are we a culture that thinks something broken in us is wrong? why don’t we reach out--i don’t mean make the casseroles or write the sympathy cards--i mean sit down with them and know their story? and keep asking them about it?

WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF.

i told my mom on the phone the other day, “I wish I had a clone of myself, because if I knew someone else was going through a sibling dying, I would be asking every day what I could be doing to help”.

What the hell are you so afraid of?

you’re going to make them cry?

you’re going to have to deal with someone’s feelings?

Go ahead. ASK.

WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF.

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littlestarprincess · 5 years ago

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Also, um. . .possibly a bit TMI but wrestling with sexuality stuff / mental illness stuff / specifically my selfship with Bam under the cut; kind of messy real life stuff that I’ve been wanting to get off my chest a little bit, I don’t think anything too dark? But definitely potentially uncomfortable.

So, basically, about eight or nine months ago, I finally Snapped and admitted to myself that I’ve had a crush on this guy that I know very vaguely if at all for like . . . four years (though I guess with the passage of time we are now approaching Year Five of my having a horrifically intense crush on a strange grumpy probably-politically-incompatible guy; there are pros and cons but it still feels very alarming in general); for those counting, I’ve been open about shipping myself with Bam for about . . . two years, and secretly selfshipping with him for like . . . a couple years before that. If you go through my blog all the way to when I first entered the tag, you might see evidence of my liking Bam alongside a myriad of other characters from a few months before this, because I’ve always been Like That -- but I really seriously started selfshipping with Bam about a year into my crush on This Strange Guy (who I’m going to be referring to as Spidereyes from this point forward.)

It turns out that this is not a coincidence. This was, in fact, definitely me displacing my emotions for Spidereyes onto Bam in order to not deal with them. As one does.

So I guess this alone is not so bad. It might be a little creepy depending on how one looks at things, but I also have a very low threshold for creepy, so I dunno. It could just be that I think everything involving RL feelings is creepy and overwhelming and awful, because I’ve been . . . numb? For a really long time? And I’ve reached a point where I can like . . . talk (?) to Spidereyes/say hello to him when I see him instead of turning and walking the other way and just generally being very averse to him (and given that there’s a handful of people I react to like that who I definitely genuinely Do Not Like, sometimes I wanna tell myself that it’s just That and I don’t have a crush, but like . . . it’s definitely. A crush.)

And I mean, for the most part I can reconcile this with my ace/aro identity -- I’m still like. Mostly aro and mostly ace and this doesn’t actually stand out, because I do occasionally get crushes, they’re just like . . . super rare and it’s even rarer that I have a desire to act on them. I think this is the first time I’ve actually ever wanted to act on a crush that wasn’t motivated by other factors (potential loss of friendship, needing to prove myself to be mature/human, outright manipulation etc) but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have previously if those factors were removed . . . The problem is, a) I live here now, and historically my crushes don’t resolve themselves until I move towns. I recently bought a house so this is a permanent arrangement, and like . . . seriously, moving towns to avoid romantic feelings is probably not productive in the long run and b) I uh. Historically don’t get over people? Unrequited love isn’t a big deal to me, but like . . .it seems to be to other people, and I can’t like . . .force myself to “like” someone else. Even if I remove my code of honor from consideration, rebounding . . . would definitely be a level of self harm, because that’s how fucking repulsed by RL romance I am, much less sex. Like it’s cute when it stays between people who don’t have anything to do with me, but I can not maturely handle other people having crushes on me, much less like . . .actively getting involved with someone in that way. And I mean, part of this is due to like. . . shitty experiences in the past, and I’m working on recovering from those, but rebounding would still definitely be a Huge Fucking Step Back.

OFC some of the people who know I have a crush on someone who doesn’t return my feelings tend to really push me towards rebounding/finding someone new to admire, because of course when I like someone or something I can’t keep my fucking mouth shut |||orz So now certain people who shouldn’t know about these kinds of things know . . . .

And then there’s . . . the delusional part. Like, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m hyper aware of these things due to needing to be in the past, or if it’s like . . . seeing what I want to see, but . . .

I know he doesn’t like me, because he asked out one of my coworkers, and I’m super not his type anyway. (He also rejected me previously, though I’m hesitant to use that as evidence of him not liking me because he was in a difficult circumstance at that time and like, in addition to people having tastes and preferences for romance, they should also be able to be like “yeah, I can’t do romance right now” without more being read into that. But I have other evidence of him not liking me so it’s a moot point!)

I know he doesn’t like me, but there have been . . . interactions I’m not able to parse as anything but romantic attraction. Which is frustrating? Am I just really dumb? I don’t know. But like, there are specifically interactions that got folded into my selfship with Bam previously because they were so difficult not to read as non-romantic (the most notable being one time when his girlfriend needed help at the customer service desk and I went over to them, and he raised his sunglasses to watch as I talked to his girlfriend. Which could have been any number of things, right? I just . . . am dumb. . . ) and then some that happened recently enough that I didn’t have a chance to dump them on Bam bc I was already accepting that I have a crush on him so now I just get to feel Delusional instead. All the time!!! But like, one time he came in and he was in a Mood (as he is pretty often? He’s a bit moody, and seems intimidating at first, but when you actually talk to him he’s pretty friendly and sweet. I think? I guess it depends on who he’s talking to. . . and I think he’s gentle with me specifically because he’s sympathetic to my unrequited feelings. Who knows how long that will last though haha since they’re not. . . going anywhere. . . ) and as soon as he saw me, his whole body relaxed and like . . .this isn’t stuff that could be an Act in order to Mess With Me (which certain people IRL are convinced must be the case) because it’s stuff that people don’t fake -- it’s stuff like his voice when he talks to me being close to tenor range but when he talks to other people around me it drops to upper baritone; he turns his body towards me when we talk and opens up, but if I don’t initiate conversation he remains tense and closed up and I don’t think that’s something that people keep a handle on when they’re manipulating people -- unless they’re like. Super skilled con artists. Which he’s definitely not. Like, PUA don’t even keep an eye on that kind of stuff.

I feel delusional just acknowledging things . . . and it’s weirder when I take into account that other people have seen him giving me furtive glances. Like two other people, who also knew I liked him, but still just . . . I dunno. I’m not completely imagining things. I just can’t . . .parse them properly, and so it’s reading as crush like behavior, even though I know for a fact that he’s confident enough to approach people he likes (he was . . . kind of a player when I first met him, and again, he asked my coworker out recently (and got rejected, which I shouldn’t be happy about, right? But I kind of am) and I’m not his type and . . . I just don’t know how to deal with it.

And then on top of it . . . there have been at least two occasions in the last month where I’ve had a literal actual vision of him that was followed by him showing up so like . . . .hhhhhh not a good time for my weird relationship with ESP stuff to resurface but here we go . . .

#personal /#getting stuff off my chest hhhh #anyway needless to say #given the relationship between my selfship with bam and my crush on this guy #i . . . don't feel comfortable talking about or thinking about shippy stuff between me and bam right now #which is a weird hollow feeling that I don't like but . . .#there's no where to go but forward i mean i tried denying these feelings and ignoring them for four fucking years #got rejected like . . . five months ago and still like him so like.#i am getting better at reading him if i just like . . .accept that he tries to keep his feelings to himself but is actually very expressive #everywhere but the face #but then how do i reconcile that with other things? I don't!!!!#because i don't know how!!!!#anyway it's probably okay as long as i don't act on it #just like in fairy tales where you have to pretend you can't see the faeries or they'll gouge your eyes out #same deal #i'm prepared #i just am also more scared of myself than usual

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captain-spookycandycollecti-blog · 6 years ago

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