#i think ill be fine by the morning
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pov youve had your lashes on for damn near 24 hours and now your left eye is itchy and burning
#i refuse to take these off#literally what the fuck#i cant wear my nails rn bc im in a show#so i feel incredibly not feminine#if i have to take these off i will cry#i want to die#i like looking and feeling like a pretty pink princess#i think ill be fine by the morning
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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crying throwing up because i didnt write 'stay frosty' on the back of the iceman/angel/beast photo of my last comic
#snap chats#NOOOOOOO I FAILED THE PUN-LOVER COMMUNITY CMON IT WAS SO EASY AND RIGHT THERE#I LOVE 'STAY FROSTY' ill just have to pocket that phrase for the future .. hehe .. top 10 reasons i love iceman IS his puns idc#I COULD HAVE. its indecipherable as hell but on the og5 pic i tried to squeeze in 'and lots of love from their professor' on the back#i think i tried to think of something for the bob/hank/warren one but i gave up two seconds into it evidently#AND ONLY AFTER LIKE AN HOUR OF COURSE I FINALLY THINK OF SOMETHING I HATE IT HERE#theres so much more room on the back of the photos in that comic too ..... never living this down <- ill be fine in the morn#i posted it to twitter its too late to amend this on account of you cant edit posts on twitter#sure i could delete and reupload but i dont work like that we just have to move on#sorry ever since that Pride issue with mags and bobby ive decided they have like. A Moderately closer bond#not by much compared to the rest of the og5. scott does in fact exist. but i just think its always fun when mags is close with one of them.#even on the smallest scale#ok bye thats literally it thats the end of this post i just wanted to say i like the idea of mags being bob's fave uncle#his only uncle. apart from juggernaut ig but anyways#im gonna sit here and drink my whiskey sour. its PEAR flavored.#wait did you guys know my tags were cut off in that post. i guess i underestimated adding an additional like. what 12 tags jALAKVLAKJ#so used to just drawing the two homos but whatever ...
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The problem with anxiety as you get older and meaner is that you know it's mostly a lie. It's a different schedual not a lion, it's a meeting a group of new people not a lion, etc.
BUT
Sometimes it's a warning signal about the danger in you, not the world around you.
And this is inconvenient because there isn't helpful tickertape coming out of my ear saying "it's just the stress, apply (3) rotations of trashy pop album of choice to brain and power through" or "WARNING system overload imminent. Psychotic depression, intense suicidal thoughts, and self harm likely should you proceed."
Like, it'd be helpful, is what I'm saying.
#my brain is fine and rational#but this shitty flesh sack is useless#i dont think it would all be so bad but ive been sick and existing off caffeine and glittery eyeshadow#and because of previous history anytime im too sick to eat my brain starts being Unhelpful#anyway. panic attacks before work are fine and normal.#id just quit but i lost my teens and twenties to tragedy dysfunction and mental illness#i want a life and i need $$ or at least stable employment to get it#so its worth not fucking this up#oversharing on a tuesday morning xxx
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there was a first try on of the stays and is was... something. lets say that they have potential, yeah?
i had a really hard time getting them to sit where i felt like they should right off the bat, and i dont think i ever actually got them situated, because i never felt like i quite got them laced all the way. i feel like ive lost the gorgeous shape the mock up was giving me, but im not sure where. its more straight down than conical, now
the inch seam allowance did not help, so i folded over the top edge to get a better look of how theyd actually hold me, which improved a lot of things, so im going to cut all that off around the front, at least.
this is mostly a list of negatives but i do see the potential in these- i think i got the placement spot on on the front, at least! i just have to figure out how i... make them fit? because they really do not right now. i did buy some cotton batting to potentially make some bust support, which may be an idea- if i cant taper in, ill pad out!
if anyones got any experience with stays just. boxing you out like this, please let me know how you fixed it :)
#i feel like ive done nothing but complain about these i am sorry my friends. the mock up was so good i promise i thought these would be fine#i dont know how common padding was on stays but i feel like im much more compressible there than my ribs and to get support im pulling them#in disproportionately? so padding out will help compress and support without lacing them down. in my mind anyway#i really do mean it when i say i see the potential. its just not here yet#will you kill me if i say i think some of the issue is with the panel i didnt touch from the original? i really am not trying to slander#the og pattern i just. dont think it works for me#i think ill come back fresh in the morning. maybe dig out some steel bones i have around for those back panels. see if it helps#else... idk#lady stede build
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Me when the marauders fandom comes up with yet another way to diss other headcanons in favour of their own (you could just say what headcanons you like) 😞
#this is slightly hypocritical because I kinda dissed a headcanon in a yap that im about to post but!!#I don’t really care if people do headcanon that and my entire post wasn’t on the fact I hate it#so I guess im fine#but yeahh#why can’t we just like what we want#without a million slideshow trends of saying what you hate rather then what you love#sigh 😞#and they tag it marauders because it is which I get#but now my fyp thinks ill like it ☹️#☹️☹️☹️#marauders#marauders era#headcanons#marauders headcanon#the marauders#and it’s always the same things as well#and they’re like ‘I’m so different for hating this!!’#like no babe#it’s actually very popular to hate this#so popular it’s on every one of these goddamn slideshows!!!!!#😞#anyway#it’s nine in the morning#i wake up#I see a video talking about what they hate#i sigh#my fyp has not been fyping 😞#I mean it has because I like the things they tagged but!!#not the actual video
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rn i feel like im just flipping between the most depressed ive ever been (which doesn't mean much because im hardly ever depressed, the last time was like 2+ years ago but u think its pretty bad? idk how to judge it), my normal amount and type of mentally ill, and really really great but in a way that sane people dont like and would probably also get me hospitalised really fast. so. idk.
#im always like this but a lot less extreme and lot less frequent#like ive gone from really fucking depressed could not get out of bed to piss to really really good to normal in one day#and im not sleeping more then 3-4 hours#gods fucked off which is freaking me out#i seriously do not want to live through new years#idk i just dont feel great or safe#like im fine rn but idk#i probably wont be in a few hours or in the morning or maybe a few minutes#i wanna cut again but im not meant tooooo ughhhh#oh and im really not taking care of my cuts#like im bad at that already but even less#and i think i hit fascia#i haven't showered in almost three weeks and ive been wearing the same clothes for a week and i have no clean clothes#im really gross rn haha#idk what ill do when school starts again#ill probably cut again i dont care#tw mental hospital#i hope it kills me
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the zoloft experience
#i havent taken meds since i was atleast 14 and my friend had a bunch of leftover zoloft from when they were prescribed it#and its good till next year so i jus decided to see what happened#so far i feel like my frontal lobe is getting squeezed really hard like when ur squeezing water out a sponge#when i woke up i sat in bed and jus stared at either the wall or out the window for like half an hour#and i kept getting up to look out the window and everything felt really fucking slow#for some reason i couldnt move my eyes too fast they felt really heavy. as im typing this they still kinda are#but way better than in the morning#im feeling Neutral. though talkig with people feels weirdly airy and light#i had an exam today that i didnt properly prepare for but i felt no Incoming Dread at all. which is Good i think#idk the adjustment period is weird i havent felt like this in a while but if we run out and im fine ill see if i can go to a psychiatrist#ive been needing meds for a While i feel ... perfect opportunity#personal#my art
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Caraphernelia - Pierce the Veil
#WHAT IF I CANT FORGET YOOOUUUU#pierce the veil#its 3 in the morning#yes thats randal on the bottom right#ill never get tired of this song bro#the silly#tw blood#something i drew for our school's art club#i absolutely had no idea what to put as background#i just slapped random pics#BUT IT TURNED OUT FINE I THINK#artists on tumblr#caraphernelia#ptv#ptv lyrics#i love ptv#live laugh love pierce the veil#vic fuentes#jaime preciado#tony perry
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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have been dyeing and spinning for long enough now that as i'm sorting through my stash i keep finding bits of unlabelled wool that i am 100% certain i dyed myself but i have no memory of doing so and i have to go back through my old dye notebooks to figure out what breed of fleece it is
#opens a box full of dyed fleece i totally forgot about and it feels like christmas morning#unfortunately past me dyed stuff magenta/pink all the time for no reason and thats not a colour i actually use much#so ill have to overdye and/or blend a lot of this with other fibre to get colours i'll use but its fine#i didnt even use that colour much 4-5 yrs ago either i think it was just easy to achieve w what i had
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Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.
#ramblings#i wish they had someone else to call in on short notice. i dont hate coming in extra but i hate getting a text at like 7:10 when kennel#hours in the morning start 7:30. i knowww i should probably set a boundary but like. fuck#and you know what i wish my parents bothered to fucking understand how frustrating it is being called in so frequently#my mom specifically. i bring stuff with work up and its like a broken record. `if you go in all the time youll be seen as reliable!`#when i was talking about getting a day off to see my brothers marching last weekend she was like#`see what did i tell you? you make yourself reliable and theyll let you take off what you need` talking like i just asked for it off#after it had already been scheduled. girl i had to ask people to cover me still. i just#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why#its just frustrating !! and when i say my genuine feelings its like she needs to correct me. like im thinking wrong.#this is why i had to fucking snap before setting the boundary of not covering clinic hours. because its always#`do what they ask every time because youll seem reliable` from my mom no matter fucking what. and then i already have issues#setting boundaries in general because i dont want to upset others or make them mad at me#ok sorry this has turned into. a wholeass vent. im just. at my wits end can you tell?#at this rate im really just getting nothing done. im going to bed#dont worry about me ill be fine. i just need to let it out and this is kinda my only outlet rn
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extremely messed up that covid can have long term mental side effects they don’t tell you about actually
#this isn’t even fair it’s a physical illness#tbf it wasn’t the covid itself that got me it was the subsequent quarantine#cw unreality#cw dissociation#for tags#bc i got covid in like?? 2022 i think#and got so bad during the quarantine that i now have long term issues with unreality in media#and it’s not as bad as some peoples obviously i’m not saying that#but there’s a sense of like. i would’ve been able to handle this a few years ago#it’s getting better to be fair but like. it’s been two years#could barely handle act 5 of isat#the aftermath wasn’t too bad though to be fair. i went to bed directly after and the morning was fine#but there were points where i should have gotten up and picked it up in the morning#cant do welcome home even though it seems like something i’d like#it’s not a terrible thing yk it’s just frustrating. and hard to explain as a side effect of covid#like you see the quarantine and being alone and scared all the time really messed with my head and now i can’t handle this specific thing
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just want 2 say abt the marvel rivals post u made... big mood bc that's me every game getting banished to Magneto, Strange, or Adam bc these ppl wont stop picking Punisher (?) and feeding like crazy… like maybe i want to play (idk any of the dps chars bc I never play them but imagine one here)... but noooo give the 2k dmg guy MVP and not me with 35k damage blocked/healing done..... smh -poro anon
do you really want to play dps when you dont know any of the dps tho ……… much to consider …….
#snap chats#OWDJSK I MEAN IM JUST SAYIN ……. yaint lab any for the day you Can play dps …..#ok im being mean . i Naturally gravitate to tank or support i gen love those roles#but it is very aggravating trying to tank or support alone#at least i feel as though people are more willing to dual support but if youre tank youre on your own#which isnt HORRIBLE its very much doable and ive won games that way but having one SUPPORT on top of that … girls ….#tank is an entirely thankless role which is fine for me but its just…. wow ……#like again im not super affected. except i am because I Repeat two supports is great#mags works best with a second tank but ive been able to win games with just him so w/e#also anon …… i dont think mvp is distributed based on damage blocked ….. its based on kills per second im p sure#idk i actually havent looked into how mvps are achieved in rivals but ill do that in the morn prob#in any case dont hard focus stats since stats arent wholly reflective of whats happening in game#what matters is winning and securing objectives and as long as thats being done then Yippee ….#ofc Play The Game and make yourself a productive team member but dont get caught up in just the numbers#ok that ends my unsolicited tidbit bye bye im sleeping
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had to book a random week off work just to take those hours so i’m THINKING of turning it into a cute little writing retreat and booking a premier inn room in a city i’ve never been to before and just kinda escaping and shutting off and getting this fucking project DONE
#i think it could be cute#my diet would go to shit but it’s max 4 days like ill be fine#wake up have breakfast then spend the morning writing. go for a little explore to find lunch somewhere.#back for more writing in the afternoon (or maybe writing out and about)#delete all my distraction apps and just focus on the work#i could do it for ~£200 total including travel and food i think#which if i save… i could manage that#and i’ve already got the week off ANYWAY and no other plans like what else am i gonna do. sit in my fucking room? whatever
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#currently raging rn and its taking everything I have in me to NOT snap at my roommate#basically its been a year of her neglecting her cats#not cleaning literally one single thing in this apartment ever even though she makes the mess 99% of the time#and not being able to admit she has a problem when clearly does have a problem with hoarding stuff anf trash and it makes this#a pretty sucky apartment to live in !#but no this morning i wake up to her being ABSOLUTELY discusted with me because!#last night in the night when i was changing my pad without glasses i got a drop of blood on the floor b/c period#and she literally was like this is gross and how could you expect me to clean that and like going forward please dont do this again???#and i literally just want to be like have you fucking heard of accidents before??#like of course ill clean it up!!#but like do you really think i purposely bleed on the floor and then ignored it????#also the fact that shes done the same thing about 6 times but apparently hasnt noticed before#also shes not okay with that but she is okay with ignoring the litter boxs#having bugs because she cant clean up after herslef#and literally not being able to use certain parts of our apartment because her stuff is piled up so high#theres literally no room!#sorry i am just raging so hard rn#like the anger i feel from within is so great#like literally theres still vomit on the floor from where she threw up and never cleaned it up#its fine im just so fucking MAD
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