#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For not telling my girlfriend I wore glasses as an accessory and not because I needed them?

So context for this, I met my (genderqueer 21) gf (tgirl 22) when I was 17 and her 18, and right before highschool, I got my eyes checked because I thought glasses might help me with my double vision. It did not, but they gave me glasses for a very slight blur in my vision that I had. I got them and kept them because I thought, "Hey! I like how I look with these!" So I wore them even though I didn't really need them. During highschool I ended up meeting my current gf through a long distance poly thing that went sour and ended with me and my current gf pulling out and becoming monogamous together.

Now the thing I didn't realize is, since I didn't have any friends during highscool, she was the only person who met me when I wore glasses, so she was under the assumption it was something I always needed.

When the pull out with her and I happened, I was living out of a motel for 4 months and when my family finally got access to our home again, I ended up losing my glasses in the giddy rush of having my own room again. I told my girlfriend about me not having these glasses anymore, and (to my memory) nothing was made much of it.

Now, cue to the current day (rather a few weeks ago), I've moved in with my girlfriend, and we've been living together for about half a year now. We're laying in bed, her drunk and me just sleepy, and she asks me, "How have your eyes been without your glasses?" I thought it was funny to think about my times in glasses, so I basically told her "oh I've been fine! I mostly just wore them for looks and didn't really need them :)"

That seemed to take her aback and after a bit of a pause she starts to say that me wearing glasses without needing them was an act of dishonesty, and ended up drunkenly rambling about my lying about my emotions (I do the whole "I'm fine" when I'm upset a lot because I'm very apprehensive to talk about my feelings) and connected the glasses thing to that. I, sober, told her openly that I didn't realize the glasses thing would be a big deal, and that I was sorry that it upset her. After that she kinda just fell asleep, so I just figured that if it bothered me still, I could talk about it in the morning.

So it did bother me, and I asked her if she remembered "the glasses conversation" from the previous night and she said she didn't. I felt a bit relieved, and I talked about what she said as if it was something we could just laugh off together, but that wasn't the case. She told me about how she always connected me with my glasses, before we met IRL she knew me as wearing glasses, she drew me with them, and how me just saying i didn't need them gave her the impression that it was all a lie, and it made her upset on that part. I was surprised that this was an issue, and told her the same as what I told her last night, and that I would've told her they weren't necessary I'd she ever asked me back then. She just shrugged it off and told me not to worry too much about it, that she still loves me, that sort of thing and we dropped it.

I feel guilty though, but also confused. I can see I might be the asshole, but I'm confused as to why this means so much to her. I can also understand if this is just a her thing, she's dealt with a badly cheating partner before me and I can see if this might just be a nervous thing for her.

TL;DR - I wore glasses when I met my gf while not really needing them that badly, and lost them before I met her IRL and moved in with her. GF feels like me not being clear that glasses were unnecessary was me lying about myself

What are these acronyms?

[salemssimblr]

get to know me tag

I was tagged by @morrigan-sims. Thank you so much for the tag! ♥️

I'll put mine under the cut too cause I'm particularly chatty today

show your wallpaper and the last song you listened to.

For me this requires a photo! As I have my external display and my mac display and they're different. So, have a workspace reveal!

Last song is Your Love by One True God & Roniit

currently reading?

Nevernight by Jay Kristoff... but barely. I've been moving it from room to room with the intention of curling up with it but then I render or write instead. Oops.

last movie?

Don't laugh (ok you can laugh) but it was the second Austin Powers movie. My husband's never seen them all the way through and they're on Netflix only until June 30th. Don't judge us too hard lmfao

last show?

The Queen's Gambit. I watched it when it was released, but hubby didn't.

craving?

The New Orleanian in me is craving this one cocktail served at my favorite restaurant. The restaurant closed down for covid and reopened literally only a few weeks ago but it looks like that cocktail isn't on their menu anymore. Afaik I think it was vodka and raspberry jam??? Phenomenal. It was called the Little Red Dog. We're going to that restaurant tomorrow and I'm praying if I ask for it they can make it but I don't have my hopes up.

what are you wearing right now?

Sweatpant material shorts I stole from my dad one weekend years ago and a shirt from The Strand bookstore in NYC. (Work pajama outfit lmfao)

how tall are you?

My ID says 5'2" but I think that's bullshit. An even 5'. Would've been shorter but I had my scoliosis corrected at 12 (I'm a terminator, baybeee) & I gained 2 inches from the surgery.

piercings?

2 holes in each lobe, 1 nose ring, and a closed up lip piercing I wish I still had but not enough to get it re-opened. I hope to get several more.

tattoos?

Two so far, a semicolon on the back of my neck (gotten before the semicolon tattoo movement) & a paper crane on my right wrist in memory of my late best friend. I want to get several more and have been actively ignoring the itch because my big wedding ceremony is in October... but after 👀 I think I was a big crow on my back/across one shoulder. And a few other small ones I've been thinking about. I've also always wanted bats behind my ear so maybe that too.

glasses or contacts?

Glasses! I'd love to wear contact but, fun trivia for your Friday, did you know that taking birth control longterm literally changes the shape of your corneas? I didn't either. But I'm pretty sure that happened to me and now I can't wear contacts without extreme discomfort. So, glasses for me.

last thing you ate?

Sliced mango and pomegranate seeds (:

favorite color?

Red, black, dark blues.

current obsession?

My current and forever obsession is Vignettes, the story my bestie and I are writing together. It's wild how this one storyline has become my entire personality, and I'm not at all mad about it.

any pets?

One sweet sweet little fur-son named Loki!

he squint

favorite fictional character?

This is such a hard question for me to answer cause I have wildly fluctuating obsessions and right now I'm most obsessed with my own fictional characters, but. Kaz Brekker will always have a place in my heart. I loved him from his very first appearance in Six of Crows. Same for Nikolai Lantsov in Shadow & Bone. I loved Alina for the longest time too but I think her depiction in the show soured me on her a bit, idk. I have a lot of strong feelings about the Netflix adaptation I could write a whole dissertation on. I've also held the Abhorsen series (& Sabriel) close to my heart since I read it literally in middle school. I re-bought Sabriel a while ago and need to read it again.

last place you traveled?

I don't remember for sure if our most recent trip was to Houston when we got engaged or to North Carolina for my husband's best friend's wedding. Either way, it's been too long since we traveled and I need to go somewhere stat! haha

I'm tagging @buttertrait, @angelgnomeisdeadrip, @druidberries, @simlishpiadina, @kotpicard, @leafbatraccoon, @raiiny-bay, @chaoticsimlish, @omgkayplays & anyone else who wants to do this! Feel free to say I tagged you!

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hello, I love your blog, I just needed a little more from Billy&Jorja ship. My question is how do you think both of them would have reacted, if the flirtations-relationship had gone to something serious (if dinner with Terry had worked, Hank had left the girlfriend earlier... or Heather's ambiguity...) knowing that They love each other but they are with others uncomfortable at work and bad personally. I wait your answer thank you

hi, anon!

so if i'm understanding your question correctly, you're asking what would have happened had grissom and sara's midgame relationships not gone sour in the same ways they do in canon, yeah? like how they each would have negotiated those relationships going forward?

discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so, ultimately, i believe that as long as we don't change the fundamental premise that even when they are seeing other people, grissom and sara remain in love with each other throughout the entirety of the show, then all of the relationships you mention all come with expiration dates on them.

that so, while it's probable that the hypothetical scenarios you mention may have led to grissom and sara dating the respective partners in question for somewhat longer than they do in canon (or, in heather's case, led to grissom actually dating her period), i think the main outcome would be to delay an eventual gsr endgame rather than to altogether prevent it.

i've already talked about the teri miller and hank peddigrew hypotheticals here, if you're interested.

as for heather, she's a little bit of a different case, so i'll talk about her in a second.

suffice it to say that with teri and hank, i tend to think that unless the writers changed the fundamental premises of grissom and sara's characters (by writing them as somehow "getting over" each other and falling in love with the significant others in question instead), there was just never going to be a long-term future for either of those dating relationships.

without being in love with teri, grissom was always going to choose work over her when push came to shove, and she was always going to eventually become annoyed by him doing so and bounce.

without being in love with hank, sara was always going to keep him at arm's length emotionally, which, were he not also cheating on her/keeping her at arm's length emotionally himself, would have at some point led to tension between them, which then likely would have culminated either with him giving her an ultimatum she couldn't fulfill or just plain walking away, fed up by her refusal to open up to him.

so while grissom ignoring that phone call on his and teri's dinner date and hank not cheating on sara might have ultimately allowed both of those relationships to go on for a while longer than in canon they do, grissom was never going to marry teri and sara was never going to marry hank.

—and particularly not given the fact of them still being in love with each other otherwise, you know?

like.

while grissom might've initially been pleased to be able to share a few more dates with teri and maybe even potentially could have convinced himself for a time that dating her was a sensible/safe option—something to at least take his mind off of sara for the moment—eventually he would start to feel guilty, realizing that while teri was perhaps developing feelings for him, he was still himself very much in love with someone else.

the longer the relationship lasted and the more "serious" it became, the more uncomfortable he would feel, until eventually his conscience wouldn't allow him to continue to see her anymore, and either he'd break up with her or do something self-sabotaging that would cause her to break up with him.

likewise, though sara does continue to date hank for over a year in canon, she only really does so because he never presses her to "take the relationship to the next level." she's only comfortable in the relationship insofar as it remains casual.

but in a scenario where suddenly hank was able to actually be emotionally available to her and might someday want more of a commitment between them, she probably would get freaked out sooner rather than later; the second hank started asking her for more than she was willing to give, she'd turn weird and bounce, knowing that while he was a nice distraction for a while, he wasn't ultimately the man she wanted.

so basically any way you slice it, those relationships wouldn't have stood the test of time. they were always going to end at some point.

now.

as for the heather of it all, i also very much believe that despite their years-long canonical friendship and strong connection to each other, any sexual/romantic relationship between heather and grissom also wouldn't have lasted.

there are many reasons why i think so—including that they ultimately come from "two too different worlds" (with her being an outlaw and him in law enforcement); are likely sexually incompatible (with her being allosexual and him being demisexual and not sexually attracted to her*); both have a lot of emotional baggage that might make it difficult for them to truly open up to each other; how, in some ways (particularly early on), they fixate on the dark parts of their personalities when they are in each other's company, which is something that could be detrimental to both of them; and are even potentially possessed of different desires for what they might want out of a sexual/romantic relationship, just on a fundamental level (with her being less likely to want the domesticity and "vanilla-ness" that he seems to crave); etc.

* see that conversation they have in episode 02x08 "slaves of las vegas," where heather assumes that everyone needs to have sexual outlets and seems highly incredulous of the idea that (at that time) grissom simply doesn't have any.

however, i ultimately think that, again, kind of the deal-breaker with them would be that if grissom were still in love with sara, he could never fully commit to a sexual/romantic relationship with anyone else, including even heather.

while it's possible that he might be willing to try sleeping with her once or twice just to see how things went—perhaps having some subconscious notion that maybe if he just "closed his eyes and thought of england," he could eventually develop feelings for her (which would spare him the trouble of having to negotiate his feelings for sara otherwise)—i think that ultimately he'd realize that having sex/a romantic relationship with her was making him sad.

and because he does care about heather even though he doesn't love her, i don't think he'd be able to maintain the relationship in the long run, knowing that such were the case.

he wouldn't want to use her or potentially hurt her, you know?

as i talk about here,

it’s a matter of debate to what degree grissom and heather may be attracted to each other (phyiscally, intellectually, emotionally, sexually, etc.); what’s not open for debate is that however else he may feel about her, grissom isn’t romantically in love with heather.

as he states in episode 07x24 “living doll” and reiterates in episode 16x02 “immortality” pt. ii, sara is the only person he has ever romantically loved; though he’s grateful to heather for teaching him to be more open as a person, she’s not—and has seemingly never been—the object of his heart.

of course, love isn’t necessarily requisite for sex.

lots of people in this world have sex without being in love.

it’s just that gil grissom doesn’t want to be one of them. 

as he states in episode 07x21 “ending happy,” he personally prefers only to have sex with persons with whom he is in love, opining that “sex without love is pointless. it makes you sad.”

at some point, grissom realizes that sex without love makes him sad. either he just knows this fact about himself inherently—the same way that one can know their sexual orientation without ever having had sex with anyone—or he knows it because he’s had one or more bad sexual experiences (i.e., because he has had loveless sex, and it has made him sad).

we don’t know enough about grissom’s sexual history to say when he arrives at this realization or under what circumstances.

(his only two confirmed sexual partners, per the show, are julia holden and sara sidle, and the dates for his respective sexual relationships with them remain murky at best.)

but in regards to heather, bearing in mind that, by his own admission, he never romantically loves her, there are really only two possibilities:

either he already knows before he meets her that sex without love makes him sad or he learns that fact sometime afterward.

regardless, if grissom and heather were to have sex, that facet of grissom’s sexuality would come to bear in their relationship.

in the first case, if grissom already knows that sex without love makes him sad and he realizes that he’s not in love with heather, then it seems unlikely he would engage in sex with her, even if she were to come on to him, as, if he were to do so, their friendship would be at risk.

in the second case, well—

if grissom were to have sex with heather (without yet being aware of his own feelings regarding sex and love) and then afterward he were to realize that doing so made him feel sad, you can bet that he wouldn’t know how to handle that revelation within the context of their relationship. 

if she seemed to have enjoyed the sex when he didn’t, and especially if she seemed to want to continue their sexual relationship after the initial saddening encounter, then inevitably he would walk away from the experience feeling guilty. he’d wrestle internally with the problem of what to do—to tell her the truth (i.e., “i don’t actually like having sex with you. i’m not as into this as you are”) at the risk of hurting her feelings or to continue the relationship just to spare her feelings though he was making himself miserable in the process. 

if she didn’t seem to have enjoyed the sex, and especially if she withdrew from him afterward, then he’d still feel guilty, thinking that he was to blame, worrying that he’d done something wrong. he wouldn’t know how to broach the topic. he’d be ashamed of himself for engaging with her without being fully “into it.”

even if it were only a one-off encounter—a one time deal, as both of them understood things—he still might struggle with his emotions afterward, not knowing how to relate to heather as a friend.  

in any case, whatever sadness he felt inside of himself would only get worse as he considered the heather of it all. he’d not know how to talk about what he felt. he’d start to emotionally spiral.

so, again, same song as dance as with teri, ultimately: maybe if grissom had slept with heather during the events of episode 03x15 "lady heather's box," he might have then slept with/had a relationship with her for sometime afterward, too.

and it probably wouldn't have been awful from start to finish, because, honestly, though there are some fundamental incompatibilities between him and heather, there are also a lot of ways that they are very well-suited to each other, too—hence why they make such good friends.

like.

there probably could have been some happy times, at least for a while.

but eventually, as the relationship became more established/serious, the myriad incompatibilities would rear their ugly heads and/or grissom's conscience would start eating at him, and in order for there to be any chance of sparing the friendship, he and heather would ultimately have to break up.

in all three of these hypothetical scenarios, i think the bottom line is this: in any story world where grissom and sara have met and are in love with each other, they could never date anyone else for very long. their connection is just too strong to be ignored indefinitely.

so those midgame ships would always destined to be only that: midgame ships.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[greyzoneeeeee]

Attractions?

As a teen I assumed I had crushes. There were definitely guys that I thought looked good and were nice, this was in the early friendship stage. I found once they had become a friend and I knew them well, those initial "crush" feelings disappeared. Once I learned more terminology in later years I just assumed they were "squishes".

Romantic attraction took me a while to figure out, especially because these initial feelings disappeared when people became solid friends. I read something along the lines of "If you're wondering what romantic attraction feel like, that's your answer", so at the end of the day I chalked myself up to being "Aromantic".

Haven't found that to have changed so I think it's still applicable. If anything I resonate with it more now. I'm more drained than I used to be so any sort of "squish" is few and far between lol.

I think it's easy to be confused for a long time when you love the romantic comedy genre. I will RELISH in romcom fiction. Spent a decade immersed in shojo anime and manga, kdramas, jdramas, tv/movies/books. I still consume all this. It's exciting, makes me happy, I get so absorbed in their worlds, I will fantasise being in it. But with people in reality, those romantic feelings are just not there.

My eyes really opened a couple of years ago when I discovered the Lesbian MasterDoc and learnt about Compulsory Heterosexuality. Quite a significant portion of that read really resonated with me. I don't think I have any Lesbian-leaning feelings, but I realised very quickly how legitimate compulsory heterosexuality was.

This lead to a new set of hurdles though. Had I had all these squishes on guys(at the time, but their genders aren't all cis men now) because that's what I was "attracted" to? Or was that compulsory heterosexuality?

The first good half of my kpop journey was definitely focused on boy groups. I did listen to girl groups too, but the ratio definitely favoured the guys. I also had a guaranteed bias in the male groups I listened to, whilst I didn't give that same energy to girls. This also applied to outside of Kpop. I definitely had favourite band members or actors and they were guys. At some point close to, but before discovering CompHet, I started liking girl groups more. I didn't necessarily have more biases, but my eyes were far more drawn to the girl groups visuals than the guy groups. At the time I thought that was purely aesthetic and was being influenced by being so immersed in Kpop where fashion is a big component of it.

Through more learning I realised I could feel aesthetic attraction VERY strongly. Sometimes I thought this meant I liked the person more than a friend, or that it meant I might be bi-romantic or homo-romantic. Sometimes I'm still not sure, especially now that in the last year or two I really gravitate towards women more. But any feelings still don't really exist beyond becoming friends. Then I'm also aware that I feel more comfortable doing any sort of physical exploring with a woman than a man, but then there's still something about a man(but maybe that's the CompHet speaking and anyone masc-presenting could be appealing lol).

At the same time as the aesthetic attraction to women grew, the general disdain for men also grew. It's definitely not all men. The men I know are good, but any sour encounter I've ever had and any time I've felt an uncertain/vigilant/unsafe energy from a stranger, it has been cause of a man. So has that unsafe feeling redirected me towards women?

Once I really looked into aesthetic attraction it made me look back on people while growing up. Were those characters in the tv show I liked my favourite JUST because I thought they were cool? Or was this the early version of feeling attraction as an ace kid. Was I just mesmerised because I liked the characters or were they the ace kid aesthetic attraction version of "An awakening" haha.

Currently I'm sitting with "Aromantic with strong aesthetic attraction". It's just that sometimes it's really strong, to the point where I wonder if it's an actual relationship-type attraction. Is this person just amazing to look at or would I be open to physically exploring if they asked me?

Another thing is that all the grief I've gone through over the years has left me...feeling like the outer husk of a human. I do feel lonely but it's not an intimacy lonely. It's a loneliness for losing the past where things were easier and where I was happy and hopeful and less stressed and unbothered by most things.

Sometimes I want "a person", sometimes I'm curious and wonder what physical interactions I'd be okay with if I trusted and felt safe with the person.

Keeping in mind I hate being touched. But sometimes I don't mind reciprocating a hello/goodbye hug, but then sometimes I don't want a person touching me at all(whether there's a reason for that particular person or not), but then there are people where I don't mind touch. Like if our hands brush when walking, or our shoulders touch when we both look at a phone etc. Casual touches like that are sometimes okay. Sometimes once I'm touched, even accidentally, I need that person to move away and stay in my line of sight until my flinching at movement settles down.

Went on a bit of a tangent there :P

[theghostpinesmusic]

Seeing as how I haven't done a music-related write-up for a bit and how it's currently 4:30pm and therefore too late in the day to start on another work-related project of actual substance...I'm going to tell you about this version of "Bathtub Gin" that I like!

As I said (threatened?) in my last Goose post, I'm consciously branching out a little between now and whenever the hell the next Goose show will be. In my own personal listening, "branching out" means I've been listening to a lot of stuff I've never heard before, both stuff that's totally new to me and stuff that's been sitting ignored on my "Try this!" list for a long time. In my blog writing, "branching out" apparently means "writing about the band I've listened to the most by an entire order of magnitude for the last twenty-five years."

Hey, if I can't be perfect I'm sure as hell going to stop trying.

I am not going to start this post with a primer on Phish because a) if you're reading this you either already know them or you don't know them and don't care, and b) there are literal books about this out there because these guys have been playing for forty years and every little thing they do is steeped in weird mythology and inside jokes and as much as I love all of it, I don't love it enough to write a hundred thousand words about it.

If you're somehow entirely new to the band and also feel an obsessive need to learn/dive in, my super idiosyncratic recommendation is to listen to their album A Live One a few times, and then buy and read through this very short book by Walter Holland, who in my humble opinion is sort of like the Hunter S. Thompson of writing about Phish jams.

I will henceforth only be writing in the micro- and macro-cosms about this particular version of Phish's "Bathtub Gin" and my reactions to it, despite not being the Hunter S. Thompson of writing about Phish jams.

Biologically speaking, I almost certainly, technically have THC in my bloodstream right now if that somehow makes you feel better.

So, Phish was one of the first places I turned at the beginning of this little Goose hiatus. For a lot of reasons, despite being the band that most immediately jumps to my mind when the phrase "favorite ever" is used in a variety of contexts, I haven't listened to Phish much over the last few years. I wrote a little bit about why in this previous post, and to keep my promise of staying focused and save myself some time typing, I won't say any more for the moment: suffice to say that I overdid it a little bit with The Phish and The Phish's Internet Fandom, which soured me on the band's music and left me sitting on the sidelines for years, wondering if it was the band that had come, over time, to suck ass, or whether it was just me.

Well, I'm relieved to report that it was, in fact, me who was doing the ass-sucking.

I learned this, in large part, by diving into the band's recent New Year's Eve (NYE) run at Madison Square Garden (MSG). I actually started my Goose Interregnum concert-viewing here only because the run had just ended and I'd seen online that the band had played all the way through its storied, elusive, and utterly dorky "Gamehendge" saga on 12/31, for the first time since 1994 (or maybe 1995, kill me in the comments Phish fans, I'm ready to die).

I wanted to see this, even if after the fact and from my couch, because back in my early Phish fan-Hood (see what I did there?) Gamehendge had been a big part of what drew me to the band, and I was excited by the prospect of being a grown-ass, middle-aged man bawling his eyes out on his basement couch because in a video another old man was on a stage singing a song about a bulldog and a cat fighting to the death while a comet crashed into Earth, bringing about the end times.

When you're a straight, white kid growing up in suburbia, you either become an absolute monster or your brain finds really fucking weird things to care a lot about. I like to think I fit into the second category.

Anyway, with a more-than-usual amount of spare time on my hands, I decided to try watching the entire MSG NYE run, starting with 12/28 instead of jumping straight to 12/31. I thought, maybe, I'd have a decently fun time and get a good sense of where Phish was at musically (an important thing to know when all the band members are sixty-ish years in age and you haven't heard or seen them play since 2021). Then I watched 12/28 and it destroyed me. Like, this band of aging dork-rockers literally lit the entire arena on fire with their instruments and it burned down around them while they just kept jamming. I'm not sure how anyone escaped MSG alive, let alone how there were concerts there for the next three nights.

12/29 was just as good, if not better, and 12/30 was an incredible show that only paled in comparison to the previous two. My reaction surprised me, and so that's why I cranked up the ol' typing machine, shoveled some fresh coal into the boiler, and sat down to write about...wait, what was I actually writing about, again?

Oh, yeah. "Bathtub Gin."

I'm not gonna give you a lengthy history of this song, for all the same reasons I cited above for not giving you a long history of Phish as a band. I will tell you it's a "classic" Phish song in that it was played live for the first time in 1989 and has been played three hundred and four more times in the one thousand, seven-hundred and fifty-one shows the band has played since. There also a studio recording of it on Lawn Boy, which I always forget because who the fuck listens to Lawn Boy?! The song is used frequently, but not always, as a jam vehicle, and I tend to enjoy hearing it live due to its quintessentially Phish-y sound: Phish writes and plays songs that sound a lot like many of their influences, but they also have songs that sound only like Phish, and this is one of them. Well, it sounds like Phish and Gerswhin, I suppose. "Bathtub Gin" is also my wife's favorite Phish song, but I'm not entirely sure if that's because she likes it or because she knows that liking "Waste" or "Shade" or "Farmhouse" more would put her firmly in the "Stereotypical Phish Wife" realm.

This 12/28 version of the tune is a great one for jamming, but as usual I'll (mostly) refrain from commenting until the point in the video where the composed portion of the song leaves off and the improvisation begins.

I do want to start by saying I love the retro feel of this year's "Live Phish" intro/logo sequence. Also, yes, Page's opening keyboard banging is supposed to sound like that. It's how he lets you know he's having fun! Gershwin tease at 2:26 if you're keeping track. Otherwise, this is a pretty straightforward reading of the composed part of the song. I absolutely love the sound mix here, as you can hear all four members' contributions to the song more or less equally. It blows the old days of tapes essentially mixed to make Trey's guitar 80% of the band's sound out of the water. It also leads to me basically just listening to Mike Gordon play bass for the entire show because if you can, why wouldn't you?!

It often sounds like the band might be singing actual, English lyrics during the outro portion of the song, but I don't think they ever are.

The jam starts at 4:50, and basically immediately Fishman is playing stuff on the drums that my simple brain can barely comprehend. This is perhaps one significant difference between Phish and the Goose jams I've been covering previously: the rhythm section of Phish is much more directly involved in the direction of the band's improvisation, whereas it often feels like the drums and bass of Goose are just laying a foundation for the melody players to improvise over. One is not inherently better than the other, but I do often feel like there's a lot more to listen to with Phish, despite them having fewer members.

Anyway, this first chunk of the jam feels a lot to me like being lost in a fuzzy, pleasant labyrinth: the tempo is slow and the playing is soft, but there's an undercurrent of tension there. By 5:30, things have started to straighten out a little, though the lights have gotten absolutely weird. Fishman starts playing a more straightforward beat, and the rest of the band falls into a rock-sounding jam that makes me think of what Goose might sound like if their fingers were thirty years older.

Trey starts to sit back a little bit at 6:45, and the jam mellows out in response. It feels a little bit like he can't figure out where he wants to go next here, but Mike and Page take some turns adding ideas to the mix in the meantime. Eventually, Trey joins back in the fun, but still in a restrained way. For awhile here, everyone's just sort of playing together, with no particular standout or soloist, which is great.

Whatever keyboard tone Page switches to at 8:58 is fantastic. He follows it up pretty quickly with some weirder synthesizer stuff, and at 9:40 this pushes the jam in a more sinister direction. At 10:20, Trey switches over to a very Portal To Robot Hell guitar effect, and now we're in full-on latter-day Evil Phish jamming territory. Fishman is, of course, keeping a beat here, but it's odd and off-kilter (not a drummer, sorry to be imprecise) and makes the whole thing feel like it's just barely hanging together in the best way.

This kind of "almost-falling-apart" sound is, paradoxically, when Phish often hits their stride in jamming. I think it's what makes them sort of a love/hate proposition even among people who listen to a lot of improvisatory rock music. It's not particularly fun or comfortable, but I've never come across another group of musicians that can improvise with each other consistently in this way.

Trey's playing finally comes a bit to the fore starting at 13:00, but even here this doesn't feel like a rote jam "peak": instead, the backbeat that Fishman is playing keeps things feeling a little out of sorts and not entirely resolved. Trey and Page playing off of each other at 14:15 is nice. I'm not sure what's going on with the lights at 14:30, but I do know these guys consistently have my favorite light show in show business. There's some almost Allman Bros-sounding playing from Trey at 15:15 as we reaching peak craziness...

...then some initial teasing of the "Bathtub Gin" theme at 16:30 or so, teasing a return to the song proper to wrap things up!

The video fades out on a segue into what would turn out to be an excellent version of "Ghost," for those keeping score at home.

Anyway, thanks for reading my first (at least lately) Phish write-up. I'm going to try to do a few more of these from the run, including (I think) two new songs: "Oblivion" from 12/29 and "Life Saving Gun" from 12/30. Should have those up soon!

[dzpenumbra]

6/12/23

Starting to feel a bit run-down now at the end of the day, but today wasn't half bad. A big change from the big waves of physical anxiety shit I've been dealing with the past few days.

I slept through an entire sleep cycle (I think). I improvised yoga again since I just... hopped right back into RP streams again. I did a workout that I was kinda dreading because I was worried it was going to be the one that kicked my ass. 3 sets with 2 minutes rest in between - 10 sit-ups, 20 punches at the peak of a sit up, 10 flutter kicks (x2 per set) So, that was a total of 60 sit ups in one workout today, plus all the other shit. And I'm not even that sore, like... just a little on my sides. I'm actually surprised. I did get that thing where my muscles just wouldn't pull me up, so I'd have to kick my legs a tiny bit, but only towards the last few sit ups. I remember doing this exact routine before and really struggling with the ab stuff, to the point of actually just quitting the exercise early. So, I guess lately I've been putting on weight a little, but I've also been getting stronger. I'm okay with that.

I spent some time looking at diet stuff. It's still weird, but I'm trying to see the good in it, specifically by trying to get myself excited about cooking again. It was actually the first thing I did today, still in bed. I came to the conclusion that fiber = good and animal fat = bad. And I'm kinda piggybacking off this dietary thing to just... go ahead and trim meat out of my diet. I might as well, I barely consume it anyway. That's the long-term plan, anyway. Wouldn't be the first time, I was vegetarian for 3 years in the past. For right now, I'm re-introducing more homemade chinese food to the menu. I actually stopped making my fried rice when I stopped getting chinese takeout from the place next to my building. It was just too goddamn expensive. I can't be shelling out $50 for takeout for one fucking person. And I was making my fried rice from the rice they gave me, so... that went on hold for a bit. Hoping to make a comeback here.

The new additions to the diet? Cold Sesame Noodles, Chicken and Broccoli, and Rice + Bean Burritos. Should be good additions, I don't think there's really anything bad in there besides cheese and maybe sour cream. I guess the big no-no's are... cream-based stuff and animal fats, that's what I'm kinda gathering. So like... fatty meat cuts, butter, sour cream, whole milk, stuff like that. 3 of those things are in my fridge right now... XD So, gonna fix the milk thing soon enough, which is not really the end of the world honestly. Cheese is my fucking vice though, that's the one I really do NOT like the idea of parting with. I will part ways with ice cream way before I get rid of cheese.

On that note, I made 3 baked potatoes with pepper jack, about 1/3 the butter I normally use, a tiny dab of sour cream and a bunch of scallions. Really good. Probably not a regular meal from here forward though, we'll see. Quantity is relevant.

I should probably talk about this. I am trying to balance out... taking these test results seriously... and freaking out and becoming a paranoid health nut. Because I have a very clear genetic and habitual predisposition that leans me towards that specific obsession. My dad has been obsessed with his fitness and nutrition as far back as I can remember. I think my mom told me that it started around when they had kids, around when he was my age. Maybe he even got a test like this, and he just went full-tilt obsessed with it. That and work, of course. And... because he spent all of his time and brainpower fixated on work 24/7 and his own fitness and nutrition... my brothers and I grew up without a father. So... despite not having kids myself, I know the toll that can be taken from having good intentions that are rooted in obsessive fear. And one of the first things I did was let my therapist know that stuff about my dad, so that if I start rabbit-holing and freaking out... he'll know why. It's so relieving to have someone understanding on deck who I can just give a heads up like that, even if it's not necessary. Very glad I took giant swan dives of faith with my vulnerabilities and shameful stuff in the past so that now... it's pretty damn easy to just go - "hey, just letting you know that I have a really deep-rooted insecurity around that thing we talked about today, and it's because of _____. Just for the record, in case it becomes relevant in the future. Have a nice weekend!" Shallow "friends" and emotionally detached people hate it when I do that, they even see it as aggressive (somehow?), but being able to share openly and honestly is an invaluable social asset, I think.

I am pretty proud to say that I didn't work today. I took the day off. I started up a new Rimworld colony because... fuck it... and just kinda chilled and watched streams and played Rimworld. I was so fucking locked in on work yesterday and I got so much more done than I expected that I thought it would be a good idea. I really do think it was, I feel a lot more calm and recharged. Even tired at 4 AM.

Honestly, that's pretty much been the day. Chill Sunday, throwing together recipes, playing Rimworld, throwing together a grocery list that I'll hopefully get delivered tomorrow. Lots of exercise, and now... I'm a bit run down. My stomach's upset, which doesn't happen often for me, so my body is just like... "what the fuck is happening, PANIC!"

Luckily it's right at the end of the night, so I can just finish up here and just go curl up and pass out and all should be well. I'll wrap up with some tarot, of course.

Past - Eight of Swords (Feeling trapped and powerless. Being conditioned and complacent, not being able to see objectively.  But if you can, this is an opportunity to remove yourself from that trap.) Present - Four of Swords (Rest.  Taking time to recover and seek respite.) Future - Three of Pentacles, inverted (Teamwork, accomplishing more together.)

Alright, these are all new cards tonight, so that's a big accomplishment in itself. Some surprisingly simple and easy to interpret ones, as well.

The thread starts with the Eight of Swords. The symbol immediately struck me powerfully, because the card is an image of a bound woman surrounded by swords. In the image, she is bound by ribbons. This struck me because... I used to have a recurring image that stuck with me - in dreams, in intuitive sketches, in inspiration - of a bound woman... but the binding was sorta... coming undone. In my... I never really evolved the language to communicate what these... flashes of images that just come to me and then I turn them into art, what to call them... I often just call that inspiration. So, in that... the woman is bound with black ribbon or electrical tape, something like that. And she is bound usually in a manner that aesthetically resembles clothing, so around her breasts and hips. And the ends of the binding material sorta flap in the wind. And she was often being pulled up towards the moon by her heart, and levitating with outstretched arms. I ended up adapting this character into a tattoo that takes up the entirety of the outside of my calf - she has long hair and a fire tattoo on the side of her torso, and is armed with a handgun. A lot of... let's just generously use the term "sex-positive people"... have looked at this image and superimposed sexuality onto it... which has upset me a lot over the years, but... you know how people are. The binding is very directly symbolic of being trapped and constrained, and yet that constraint being something that keeps you safe from vulnerability to the world, being symbolically naked. Most of that symbolism I speculate to be emotional vulnerability. And due to that trap, she developed the need for self-protection. But her gun is lowered, and her face is calm. She was always a sorta... guardian angel figure to me. I don't really know how to describe that fully, but that's always been my attachment to her and that tattoo; she's a protector, a guardian. Maybe she remains bound... so that I no longer have to be.

Huge backstory to say... this image in Eight of Swords is a very similar and familiar figure. But the gist of Eight of Swords is... from my understanding... that this is something that appears to be a trap or constraint... but from other perspectives actually is not. An illusion, of sorts. And perspective can set you free.

This image is connected to the Four of Swords. This is, quite simply... rest and recovery. Plain and simple.

And this is connected to... inverted Three of Pentacles, which is a representation of teamwork. Many hands making light work that benefits everyone. But... that's in disorder.

So... in short... a shift of perspective that breaks a trap or illusion that I am (or was) stuck in... leads to a state where I can finally recover... but that creates the snag where I'm disconnected from others, and won't have helping hands. Something to prepare for. And this definitely seems to be a cycle I fall in a lot. I finally realize I'm stuck in this Chinese Finger Trap situation where I realize "oh, I can just walk away from this toxicity"... and then I finally get the balls to do it... and I revel in the bliss of peace and rest and recovery, and take care of myself alone... and then the second I realize I can't survive in this world alone and look around for a helping hand? No one to be found. Yeah. So... this is a good reminder of that.

Birds are chirpin, time for bed. Imma take a short relaxing bath first. Have a good one!

[jolliestlolli]

Jolly's Monday Blog Update - Dec 19th 2022

Elf on the Shelf scares the shit out of me.

There's probably a hundred other better opening lines I could have thought of for this blog update but that's the one I decided was the best. I'm well aware I missed both blog updates last week, and I'm not gonna even try to spin a good excuse for that. It just is what it is.

Writing wise, I started writing a new short story, and then I got cold feet and decided to return to a project I actually started last year with the intention of trying to finish it before Christmas. Here's an excerpt:

He had to admit, Teruteru’s passion about food was as clear as day, and that was admirable enough on its own even if it didn’t quite make up for the chef’s… other quirks.

Teruteru held the zucchini and cradled it to his face like it was a precious creature, stroking its outer rind. “The best part about this particular store is the price you get for such beautiful, long, juicy–”

Ryoma could practically feel his eyes going cross and his brain briefly numbing for the few seconds it took Teruteru to say whatever gross innuendo that the person currently recounting this story to you does not even want to recite.

In that time, his eyes drifted away from the chef and around at some of the other shoppers in the store. Out of all the people currently around them, the ones that stood out the most were two young women standing not very far away from them. The both of them clearly not Japanese, judging from their clothes they were likely American tourists and not quite used to the culture shock, because when Ryoma first saw them out of the corner of his eye, he realized one of the girls was already staring directly at him.

Enjoyed that? Good, because I have no idea if I'll actually be able to upload this before Christmas lmao. I'm really excited to finish this story because it'll be the first time I reveal some certain details of Ryoma's backstory that I've been thinking carefully about over the last several months. I just hope you all find it acceptable.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm going to be attempting to cook my first ever Beef Wellington soon. Jason Farmer's video about cooking a Wellington using Walmart ingredients really inspired me and I'm feeling confident I can do it with minimal help. A couple years back I made a Christmas Porchetta so I guess I just like to make a tradition out of cooking complicated AF dishes for the holidays. Cause what else says "Christmas" like working your ass off to try to appease a bunch of ungrateful sour pricks that have as much Christmas spirit as Ebenezer Scrooge passing a kidney stone.

Woo, got a little salty there (Not as salty as the Christmas Porchetta I made). What do I wanna talk about now? Hmm

Well one minor thing I wanna mention is that I became mutuals with @graincracket today which I'm really happy about! I don't have nearly enough Ryoma simps to chat with so it's always a good day when I get to become friends with one.

Ghhh... Now I feel like sorta going off on a whole tangent about the Christmas season, but if I'm gonna do that it's not gonna be a today thing. Maybe not even a next week thing. So instead, because I'm really high now as I finish writing this, I'm going to leave you with a sudden revelation that came to me that I must share:

There is no visible difference between using normal quotation marks and using double apostrophes. You cannot tell the difference between '' and ", you fucking look me in the eye and tell me there's a difference. I rest my case.

[fakeikemen]

Katara's Grief

(This is my first attempt at a meta post and I know that this has probably been already done but I just needed to get it off my chest and go on a little rant and it kinda got long so bear with me.)

A lot of the hate on Katara stems from the fact that she keeps on mentioning her mother's death at every chance she gets and invalidates other people's pain to assert that her suffering is the worst of the lot.

And even though everybody is entitled to their own opinions, I'm gonna point out why I think the aforesaid claims are not exactly correct.

First we'll take a look at; Katara's Backstory:

We know that Kya is killed in a fire nation raid and that Katara had been the last person to see her alive before she leaves the tent on her mother's insistence. Only to come back a few moments later and find her dead body. This, in itself is a traumatising event.

So yes, her mother died. Other people in the story go through far worse. You're not wrong when you say that.

But what is more important in Katara's story is the aftermath of her mother's death.

As Sokka says while talking to Toph in "The Runaway" in B3 Ep7:

Sokka: When our mom died, that was the hardest time in my life. Our family was a mess, but Katara? She had so much strength. She stepped up and took on so much responsibility. She helped fill the void that was left by our mom.

As an eight year old, she had to force herself to grow up to step into her mother's shoes and raise herself and her elder brother and simultaneously look after the entire village after her father left to fight in the war. She had to do all of it by herself.

In face of all her responsibilities, she never really had the chance to simply be a grieving child lamenting the loss of her mother. She habituated herself to caring more about others than herself (We see this trait in the entire series as she acts as the stand-in mom friend for the entire Gaang with an exception of Suki and Zuko). She ended up bottling her feelings of grief, resentment, guilt and rage deep within herself.

She had to give up an extensive part of her childhood where most children focus on figuring themselves out, to become a mature and responsible person who was working as the immovable pillar holding up the family and even the whole village not much later.

She put up a strong front to help others and pretended to be fine even though she was hurting inside the whole time.

She could never find any closure from the situation. She never got over it.

Moving on to the criticisms:

1. Katara keeps on mentioning her mother like a broken record:

Here are the number of times Katara mentions her mother's death (not sure if that's all of it, lmk if there are any others):

1. In her first scene with Sokka

Katara: Ever since mom died, I've been doing all the work around camp while you've been off playing soldier!

2. A short while after she meets Aang

Katara: Well, I just want you to be prepared for what you might see. The Fire Nation is ruthless. They killed my mother, and they could have done the same to your people.

3. A short while after she meets Haru

Katara: I lost my mother in a Fire Nation raid. This necklace is all I have left of her.

4. A short while after she meets Jet

Katara: Sokka and I lost our mother to the Fire Nation.

5. In the swamp after she sees a vision of her mother

Katara: I thought I saw Mom.

6. In the Crystal Catacombs with Zuko

Katara: I don't? How dare you! You have no idea what this war has put me through! Me personally! The Fire Nation took my mother away from me.

7. A short while after she meets Hama

Katara: We completely understand. We lost our mother in a raid.

8. Repeated mentions in The Southern Raiders episode

(Most of the episode basically)

The first mention with Sokka is in the middle of a siblings' spat where she tells off Sokka for trying to act as if he were superior when it was obvious that in the face of the gaping hole that was left by Kya's sudden death, Katara had shouldered much more responsibility.

When she tells it to Aang, she uses it as a proof that the Fire Nation is capable of immense cruelty and destruction.

The Gaang travel all around the world and meet different people affected by the war in different ways. So when Haru, Jet and Hama narrate their own stories, Katara sympathises with them and talks about Kya's death in lieu of "I understand, the Fire Nation hurt me too."

After they got separated, Aang, Sokka and Katara each had their visions and after they get back together, they all mention their visions and so does Katara.

When left alone in catacombs with Zuko, whom she considered as the face of the Fire Nation— the same Fire Nation that had her mother killed and forced her father to leave to fight in the war, she has a meltdown where she rightfully accuses him of all the bad things he's done and then breaks down while talking about how the war has cost her i.e., by causing her mother's death.

The Southern Raiders is the episode where Katara hunts down the man responsible for her mother's death. If you think mentioning Kya repeatedly in this episode is uncalled for, then I don't know what to tell you.

In all the incidents mentioned above, Katara mentioning her mother's death is a very natural occurrence is the respective conversations. She mostly talks about Kya's death to either extend her sympathy or to use it as an example of the ruthlessness of the Fire Nation.

Another fact to be noted is that 70% of the Gaang's storyline is followed via Katara from a narrative point of view. Plus, being the mom-friend, she acts as the spokesperson. Considering that Kya's death is a major event that played a huge role in shaping Katara's life and is also the source of her severe, unresolved trauma, which acts as the driving force of her story, it is only natural that she brings up this topic whenever she is engaging in a deeper conversation.

It is us as the viewers who have seen her from the start and already know about her mother's death and we see her talking to multiple people about it. Which is why it might come across as repetitive to some people.

While, Kya's death is not necessary information that everyone needs to know, Katara talking about it never comes across as a forced or unnatural.

2. Katara invalidates others' pain because she thinks she has suffered the most:

First of all, if anything, Katara is the most empathetic person of them all. As the mom-friend of the group, not only is she their constant moral support, she also helps them untangle and sort out their own feelings. She is also able to tap into issues that aren't said out loud.

Instances of Katara helping and supporting Aang, emotionally are uncountable.

She is the first one to notice Sokka's sour mood in B3 Ep4 "Sokka's Master". And even though his insecurities seem baseless, she validates him (by saying "I'm sorry you're feeling so down" instead of something like "That's a dumb thing to say") and knows exactly what to do to cheer him up.

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway" she has the insight to understand that Toph's unruly behaviour is caused by the mixed feelings she has about her parents even though Toph's herself never talked about it.

She even reaches out to Zuko in B2 Ep19 "Crossroads of Destiny" even though she used to think of him as the face of the enemy.

But then there's The Southern Raiders.

Ah yes, that episode where Katara is extremely OOC and a total b*tch.

Agreed that she said some things that she definitely shouldn't have said. But like, she's just 14?? And has been hurting on the inside since she was 8?? And pretended to be fine just for the sake of other people?? Like, there's a limit to how much she can have her shit under control?? And she did a real good job of Sokka's upbringing and taking care of the village and taking care of Gaang on her own?? Some people out there are really willing to forget everything she has ever done just because she was mean for 5 minutes?? A traumatised 14 yo shouldn't be villianised and called toxic because she got mad and lashed out at people that one time??

But here's my take on the scene anyway:

When Aang gets to know that she's going to go face her mother's killer:

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: I knew you wouldn't understand. 

Aang is a non-confrontational person who prefers running away from difficult situations as opposed to Katara who firmly stands her ground and is never afraid of confrontations. Katara had approached Aang only hoping that he would understand. But going by his dismissal, he obviously doesn't understand the burning need that she has to confront the man who had single-handedly destroyed her childhood. (Most people infer that what Katara means is that she thinks that Aang doesn't understand the pain of losing people. And so does Aang, I guess)

But things start getting even more tricky when:

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

In all honesty, this is probably the most insensitive thing that she could've heard from anyone right then, let alone one of her closest friends. Hearing herself being compared to a homicidal maniac just because she wants to avenge her mother's killer. (No, I'm not justifying murder but there's a clear difference between homicide and avenging someone's death. And Aang may not be my favourite character but I do love him but this wasn't really a good thing to say either. And he wasn't even mentally distressed in the very least to be completely lacking tact or a filter.)

And then the situation escalates:

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn't love her the way I did!

After 6 long years of Katara bottling in her dark feelings and letting them fester inside herself, she is finally letting them out and the first things she faces in a span of few minutes are outright rejection, invalidation of her feelings, comparison to a homicidal maniac and nothing akin to the unconditional support that she has provided to everybody. Her own brother tells her that he is siding with the boy who just compared her to a homicidal maniac.

Yes, accusing your own brother of not loving your mother enough is a very cruel thing to do. But both Sokka and Katara know that she doesn't entirely mean it.

But also, there is one very important factor in here:

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway", Sokka says to Toph:

Sokka: I'm gonna tell you something crazy. I never told anyone this before, but honestly? I'm not sure I can remember what my mother looked like. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture. 

Katara overhears this conversation just as Sokka had meant her to.

This dialogue lets us know that Sokka's coping mechanism has made him suppress all memories of Kya and replace them with memories of Katara in order to attain a semblance of normalcy.

Both Katara and Sokka had very different ways of coping with Kya's death. Katara pressed down her feelings and tried her best to pretend to ignore them while Sokka partially succeeded in forgetting her.

When Katara first hears these words she is shown to be crying. But if she were to remember these very words while she was justifying herself infront of her own brother and a close friend for wanting to avenge her mother, it would've had a negative impact on her.

In her rage, she would've thought: "Of course he doesn't want to avenge mom. Because he doesn't think it's worth it and that's because he doesn't even remember enough of her to be mad about her death."

And for someone who has spent each day of the last 6 years trying to fill in the shoes of her mother and experiencing her absence everyday, the idea of forgetting her mother is a ridiculous concept to her.

Her thoughts would have quickly derailed to: "He didn't love her enough to remember her."

In light of these thoughts, saying "Then you didn't love her the way I did" doesn't feel out of the blue.

No, I am definitely not justifying what she said, I'm just laying out a possible explanation to why she said what she said.

Yes, she should've apologized to Sokka for this and I think that they definitely should've had a long conversation about their mother's death and how it affected them. Between Katara supressing her feelings and Sokka supressing his memories, i don't think they ever had this conversation.

But sadly we are given neither of these scenes.

Tl;dr: Everytime Katara mentions her mother, it's with good reason and I don't think it's fair to call a character toxic when they lack a mind to mouth filter for 5 minutes and say some mean things. And considering all that Katara has done for everybody, it isn't fair at all.

Peace out!

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S3 EPISODE 8 RECAP AKA THE KYORU CHRONICLES PART 2 (plus a quick recap of eps 3-7)

aaaaaaAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I gotta get it out of me otherwise I won't be able to concentrate on work and I will be scrolling through the tag till the day I die. Everything from episode 3 of Season 3 literally hit me like an avalanche - literally cos I marathoned 3-7 over the weekend which I wouldn't advise unless you want an accelerated heartbeat - and I'm starting to realise... maybe I just wasn't ready for season 3. Despite asking for it, haha. Not gonna put as many screencaps for this one cos tumblr editing bay be trippin and I just don't have time nor emotional energy to be fighting with the picture uploads, sorry lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Episodes 3 - 7

I spoke before about how (despite my feelings about the characters) the English dub VAs for Akito and Shigure pair up really well audibly. And I think I feel the same way about both Yuki and Machi's English VAs! They both have the same soft spoken yet scratchy element to their voices almost like they are holding slightly back. Although, I'd argue that Yuki has been losing the element of slightly holding back as the anime has gone on which I wonder if the same would be included for Machi's performance?

I really like the presentation of Machi's trauma through her family's expectations to be perfect and how physical it is? How Yuki kind of encourages her to let it out in a healthy way? (Btw the whole chalk breaking scene in the meeting was SO FUCKING SMOOTH. YUKI IS A NERD BUT HE IS SO EFFORTLESSLY COOL A LOT OF THE TIME)

The age gap between Isuzu and Haru for sure isn't the worst age gap in this anime/manga but it's still a bit... hmm...

Episode 4:

In all seriousness, I know Akito deserves some sympathy but it doesn't change the fact that I still see her as a villain. Hurt people hurt people but it doesn't mean they should get away with it, I was honestly pleased Haru got that big confrontation with Akito to tell her WHAT'S WHAT but it was also somewhat... merciful?

Hiro's growth has been so beautiful to see, him realising there are bigger things than him from the event with Rin to his relationship with Kisa to then the birth of his little sister.

Kureno choosing to get his hands a little dirtier and paying the ultimate price for it (as far as we know so far in the anime lol) was great, he is the moon side of Tohru's sunshine.

Shigure... I still don't really get him and Akito's relationship. It's clear he's waiting for Akito to grow the fuck up but at the same time he's not creating an environment for her to grow and develop. He's decided to go with the 'tough love' route which I'm still deciding whether I like it or not tbh. Sometimes it feels necessary, at other times it feels shitty. I respect that he knows he's a scumbag and I don't deny that there are people out there who take revelry in the fact that they are awful but at the same time, him remaining unchanging despite everything feels... unrealistic. But considering throughout this story he doesn't seem affected by trauma, it's understandable, I guess?

Also... that scene where Shigure ponders about whether he should've been with Tohru is THE creepiest creeper shit he's EVER done in this series. No. 🙅🏾‍♀️

Momiji is best bunny boi regardless of how tall and 'manly' he becomes. 🐰His scene with Akito was so authentically him and he really did that shit. We love him. <3

I love the way that the curse breaking should (on surface) be a happy event considering all the trauma the zodiac went through because of it but it's presented mostly as loss as well as happiness. It's the realness of getting out of a bad relationship

Shigure basically laying it out to Tohru how Kyo means nothing in a very taunting way was an excellently painful scene and I choose violence. It was heartbreaking seeing how worthless they all saw Kyo compared to how Tohru saw him but... by this point I was just living in the pain so 🤷🏾‍♀️

The story visually showing how Isuzu is more willing to be soft after her whole ordeal through her fashion choices (e.g. the pastels, the cardigans) was really nice. And Haru being happy about Isuzu making friends with Tohru was cute!

It was nice we saw that Kazuma was still wary about whether Tohru loved Kyo for the right reasons, you'd assume after everything Kazuma would love Tohru as a match for Kyo but he's so emotionally intelligent and also just a protective Dad! Yay, good parenting!

Tohru's confession to loving Kyo was amazing however I still adore Kyo's confession a little bit more. Just a bit. Lol. However, if you add the moment later in episode 8 it trumps it completely. Ethereal goddess.

Kyo and Tohru's grandfather having a scene together was great and nice

Now that I think about it, I wish there was more a visual link in the story between Tohru adapting her speech to imitate her Dad and Momiji adopting his Mum's German accent. Albeit for slightly different reasons, it just adds to the unique connection Tohru and Momiji have. In short, I'm seeing this ship with my third eye now. I get it lol

I don't wanna screencap the scene where Kyo is haunted by both his deceased mother and deceased Kyoko and potentially deceased Tohru because it's the stuff of nightmares. But, it was a wonderfully done scene. You definitely understand fully and clearly why Kyo buried all of that trauma under his hatred for Yuki (I CAN'T WAIT FOR EPISODE 9, YOU GUISE!)

If Akito is a villain, Ren is the final boss. Although, with her type of villainy... I feel like I can kind of enjoy a bit more. She reminds me of a Greek God in the ways she master manipulates people and her desperation for control and power (I just read 'Mythos' by Stephen Fry, it's a great read lol)

It lowkey feels like every female character who's comfortable in expressing their sexuality in this story is punished in some way for it... this is an incomplete thought

Shigure as a child feeling like they should all be pitied is so... mature... I feel like I need more of an explanation for why Shigure is the way he is

Akito's ego death with Kureno? Amazing. I loved that she was at least aware enough to realise how Kureno had been coddling her all this time but again... doesn't excuse her crimes

But anyways...

EPISODE 8

Honestly? I really don't have much to say about this episode besides 3-5 points I wanna get out of my head. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just that there's still a lot left to play out from this 'arc' and this season in general that I wanna complete my thoughts on.

But I'll start with this:

Lol, isn't it funny?! Isn't it heart-wrenchingly funny how the relationship between Kyo and Tohru has kinda reverted back to how they were at the start of the series? The coldness of Kyo at the beginning of this episode (and throughout) was a bit of a gut punch considering all the light and fluffy moments that we've gotten between the two since the True Form arc.

Talking about the True Form arc, I feel like this episode is somewhat a repeat of the same emotions, same trials of the True Form arc. Kyo still 'runs away like he always has' but this time we get him being the most honest and confrontational with his own emotions and trauma than he ever has been during the course of this whole story. While trusting someone (Tohru specifically) for the first time with the whole truth of his story! He always seems to move one step forward and then three steps backwards and while it's a tad bit frustrating, it feels very... real. I'll probably complete my feelings how this arc reflects the True Form arc when we finish this section of the story in future episode(s).

Considering the fact that 80% of this episode is Jerry Jewell monologuing as Kyo and I never got bored really just sells his performance. Kyo was being incredibly cold this episode and yet the range of emotions through his performance made it feel understandable enough for you to empathise with it.

BrattyKid!Kyo to lighten the mood 😹I still wish he and Hiro had more of a relationship, I feel like they could have taught each other a lot. Well... mostly Kyo teaching Hiro tbh

Kyo rejecting Kyoka for her honesty and kindness and then later rejecting Tohru? Oh... kid...

Wow, I felt so good about that whole episode of Kid!Yuki helping Kid!Tohru get home and then it's slightly soured knowing KID!KYO was running about the streets alllll night into the morning?!?! I really did feel Kyo's frustration at not getting that win to actually do something right. And the irony of that being linked to him being unable to save Kyoka from the oncoming car?

Honestly, I don't know what my feelings are on Kyo being unable to save Kyoka. I don't even know what my feelings are on Tohru pretty much pushing that aside in favour of her feelings for Kyo. It's... complicated and I've been mulling it over in my head for the last 10+ years hahah However, if I was in Tohru's position I think I'd eventually come to a point where it feels like it's too late to really do anything about how bad I'd feel about it. Kyo's intentions weren't horrid, if anything he was just being a scared kid and he's allowed to be that. I just wish Tohru had a bit more time to evaluate it but considering she knew her mother well and assumes that wouldn't have been the full scope of what she had said, I don't have much of a problem with it in general

Lol, I love when Tohru gets a 'FUCK YOU, I LOVE YOU' moment with Kyo. 😂Another reflected scene from the True Form arc... only thing is that this time... it doesn't quite work. 😕

(Again, I love how all of these reflections are resolved in later occurences in response to the duality but I'll get to it next week when it shows hopefully)

Laura Bailey only had a few sentences in this episode but she killed it as always. Comparing her performance in 2001 to now is just... growth!

Ok, so Yuki automatically gets Best Boi in this episode for meddling and chasing after KYO of all people. Showing how he's personally done with hating Kyo. Realising Kyo is pretty much the only person who'll make his mother happy. I think he also lowkey wants to understand Kyo? But, we'll get to that next week.

....Oh yeah, Akito is there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

In total, I liked this episode even though it has me anxious for the next one. We finally get the full picture of why Kyo is the way he is! Ahhhh - a weight off all our chests, I'm sure. I kinda don't like that they put the ending theme at the end of these episodes - the joyfulness doesn't really match up with the intense theme? But, that's just a minor gripe. And hey, maybe they just want the audience to know... it's all gonna be okay :)

See you next week!!!

[vellikvr]

Won’t you make time to waste time (waste time with me) ? Part Two

[ Link to Part One ]

Yoongi requests a break to catch his breath. Sweat clings his skin to his clothes in an irritating way, Yoongi just wants to free himself out of it for a few minutes, maybe that would secure a stable breath for a change.

The backstage hall is where he kneels down and rests against the wall, taking long gulps of his water. He’s hot across his face, his heart is jumping out of his throat, making his chest light but tingling with nerves. He’s forgotten the lack of ambiguity his career has become.

It’s clear that Min Yoongi works night shifts at the nightclub as a popular dancer. He’s among the talk within his city. He’s an interesting topic that’s taken flight recently. Of course familiar faces would be seen after his customer status has increased in the weeks.

But why, of all people, is Hoseok still living in this city.

Yoongi licks his lips, realizing that his nerves are sending him to the bathroom. He jumps up and scurries out of the backstage into the public hallways. One turn of the hallway leads to the bathrooms.

Yoongi reaches that corner, but gets stopped by a tense figure.

Yoongi’s eyes are wide open, his breath shortens. He knows the person just by the atmosphere, except unlike usual, the person comes off distraught.

Yoongi’s eyes are wide open, his breath shortens. He knows the person just by the atmosphere, except unlike usual, the person comes off distraught.

Yoongi can’t look up at him, not here. If anywhere, it’d be away from here.

He stumbles, “sorry,” then shoves past the man. That fails when a hand latches on his wrist and pulls him. Yoongi dares to look up just once. It dawns on him that Hoseok is more concerned than disgusted.

“Yoongi,” Hoseok utters, his eyes probing at Yoongi’s stance. Yoongi can feel them like a pebble lodged under his feet.

Yoongi can’t confront him here, his soul will rot and decompose within himself if this were the way to mend ties.

Yoongi snakes his arm out of Hoseok's grasp and trudges toward the bathroom in a domineering gait, knowing that a second pair of feet are followed behind.

Seconds are all it takes for Yoongi to be shoved inside the bathroom and pushed against the wall.

Hoseok. His childhood friend of so many years. His first genuine, one-sided love, demands: “Don’t ignore me like I’m one of those men out there.”

Yoongi’s chest tightens, his heart beating faster than ever. His wrists are pinned against his sides, his whole body is shadowed by his old friend ahead. This is the worst thing to have happened.

Yoongi looks anywhere but at him.

“Yoongi,” Hoseok pleads, following the older’s eyes with desperation. “Where?”

Yoongi’s not prepared for Hoseok to raise his voice: “Where—the fuck!—have you been this past year!”

Yoongi feels a bit smaller, in a matter of seconds.

“You—you ignored all my calls!” Hoseok shouts, tightening the wrists. “You blocked me—blocked me everywhere! You have been nowhere! You haven’t been at your usual locations! I visited your parents and they don’t give a shit! I asked your friends…and they didn’t give a shit!”

Yoongi flattens his lips tightly. Yeah, he did do that.

“As your closest friend…I feel—I feel utterly offended! I feel so betrayed! I feel like I don’t even fucking know you anymore!” Hoseok keeps trying to meet the eyes of his long lost friend.

“Yoongi. You can’t just leave and expect everything to work your way! I’m so fucking pissed at you, I can’t even believe you’d do this to me…of all the people!”

Yoongi closes his eyes slowly, taking in what he deserves. It’s true, he left on no sour note, no good note, on no note at all. He just disappeared. The only people that know are his parents and a few friends, but he promised them to keep this a secret.

Now that he realizes all the actions made for the sake of keeping Hoseok out of his mess, he’s the worst friend in the world.

All because he loved him too much.

“I somehow had to find out you’ve been working at a nightclub,” Hoseok starts to release his hold of Yoongi wrists. “—dancing for these old men…”

Hoseok drops his hands low, clenching his fists tightly. “I never thought you’d relinquish your dignity for this shit.”

Yoongi owns it completely now, facing the problem that caused all of this, it’s what’s looking back at him in the mirror behind Hoseok.

“I thought I was the one you’d tell everything to. I thought I was the one that—would know things first,” Hoseok unchlenches his fist with a short exhale. “I really fucking thought that.”

Yoongi watches attentively, like he’s comprehending all that’s unfolding. He expected it to happen somehow, but this feels so early to process thoroughly. He would have rehearsed a way to communicate this at some cafe with Hoseok.

But here he is. In the bathroom of the nightclub, where he works, in a skimpy costume, confronting a friend who’s never witnessed this other side of him. He’s embarrassed. He’s unprepared, but he’s processing and contemplating on whether to speak his mind at this very moment.

“Can you at least fucking speak?” Hoseok asserts.

Yoongi contemplates. He wonders of the damage that his temptations could bring at this very moment. He’s usually reserved outside of this, in his personal life. But it’s like all of his pent up urges are clawing out of him.

“Say something, Yoongi.”

It has to be said.

Yoongi sighs, but still keeps his eyes away. “I have been…thinking about the time to meet you again…but I haven’t mustered up the courage.”

“Mustered up the courage for what.”

“To tell you that I’m gay,” Yoongi answers.

“Okay?” Hoseok takes a step back, giving Yoongi some space. “I assumed you had something similar to that.”

Yoongi nods, looking around the renovated bathroom. The mirrors are so clear, he can see the golden highlights among Hoseok’s coarse hair.

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have just said something.”

Yoongi bites his lip, knowing that the answer is on the tip of his tongue. There’s no way out of this one. He’s in it hard and he won’t get out unless he just goes for it.

“I know something’s on your mind when you look away from me,” Hoseok implies, leaning against the sink from the opposite wall of where Yoongi’s still feeling shackled against. He looks beautiful tonight, Yoongi hasn’t seen him so well dressed in so long.

“Please, Yoongi, you’ve changed so much, but I’ll willingly accept you as the Yoongi I've been friends with since forever. Just tell me and we can work things out.”

In Yoongi’s perephrial vision, he notices the anticipation in Hoseok eyes. It demands the truth, as if he already knows the truth.

Yoongi's bottom lip quivers in an anxious tremor. He’s unbelievably red across the face, but what’s more obvious is the loud beating inside his chest.

“Nothing has ever changed between us. I promise you. I want you back and in my life again. I'M willing to work things out with you just so we can mend things,” Hoseok says.

“I’ll make time for you, even if it’s wasting your time. In fact, I’ll waste time with you just to make things right.”

It’s a compromise. Extremely selfless, unlike Yoongi.

Yoongi’s selfish.

He’s selfish for what he wants. That has never changed. Even now. With his first love and him being alone in this bathroom.

Yoongi pushes forward, only taking seconds to build up that courage he’s been wanting since forever, and invades Hoseok’s space before connecting his lips onto Hoseok’s.

Hoseok’s hesitant, but returns only initially before pushing Yoongi away. It shocks Yoongi to feels a slight give of lips from the other. He’s blissed, a sense of shocking mutuality that sends butterflies down his stomach.

Hoseok clamps onto Yoongi’s shoulders and forces him back a slight distance. The kiss only lasts a second or two, but Yoongi is already feeling a weight lift off his shoulders.

Hoseok’s eyes are blown wide, but holds Yoongi still by his shoulders. He’s panting with heightened tension. “What are you doing…”

The question comes off more of a rhetorical, so Yoongi pursues rather than answers right away.

And then the bathroom dissipates into a silence. The only sounds are from the two men building up a certain want they can’t quite figure out yet.

Noises come off like whispers. Yoongi’s right hand reaches forward. Hoseok looks down and watches the long hand glide across the expanse of collarbone then up his neck. He shudders under Yoongi’s simple touch, giving a sort of arousal inside Yoongi’s chest.

Yoongi curls along the side of his neck, watching the way a rosy blush creeps across Hoseok’s face. Hoseok’s aware of it, since he peers high up to avoid the other. Hoseok gulps, his adam’s apple prominent. Yoongi’s observant of it, because he can drown in the image of Hoseok reacting to his touch for hours.

Yoongi’s eyes risk it all to see the other’s eyes, and the other feels it since Hoseok immediately peeks back to meet them. They’re quiet, but equally daunting. Hoseok rakes down Yoongi’s outfit before looking back up. He still doesn’t express disgust or reluctance, but genuine need for something Yoongi wants to see to believe.

Yoongi leans in, inches away, before smirking, breaking the liquid silence of the room:

“Wasting time.”

…………

[csmicwarrior]

　" ... " He can't say he's completely happy about this development, but his features quickly go from faintly sour to a big smile right as he approaches the other and places a hand on her shoulder.

　"I see... so you decided to join us at last? What made you change your mind, I wonder...?" He tilts his head, now half of a grin curling on his face. "How about I take you under my wing, hm? I'll send a formal letter to the Tsaritsa and all! I'd love to work along with my adorable comrade personally~" He circled his arm over her shoulder, and pulled her closer affectionately. Like hell he was letting her wander to the other Harbingers' clutches. They were infinitely shadier, crueler, and more manipulative for sure. He'd rather keep her in sight, make sure she didn't cross that line.

　"So? Miss Lumine, do you accept working with me as your nice and pretty and super strong boss? We can later on join forces and conquer the world together, as I promised!"

fatui!lumine ( open )

So, it's come to this, has it? She couldn't believe it. Her brows drew together as she stared at her open hands. As her fingers curled, she clutched her hand to her throat, eyes clenched tight. Images of Aether popped in her head. She re-called how their reunion had went. She didn't ... She didn't understand why he was doing what he was doing. And she knew ... She knew she may never find out, not like this. Not with the limited resources she had.

Truthfully, she didn't think it'd be this ... Easy to join the Fatui. Though, she supposed, her reputation throughout both Mondstadt and Liyue had put her in good standing. Even the grunts recognized her. Viktor, from Mondstadt, had made comments about how she should join them.

She never thought that she would, however. But, this was for her brother. Everything she did was for her brother. She did not—she did not care what it took. How many people she disappointed. Betrayed. It did not matter how much it was killing her inside that she had to stoop to such lengths.

Hearing a voice, one she was too familiar with. Lowering her hand, she looked to him, and a tight smile touched her lips. It did not quite reach her eyes, like they usually do, and a shaky laugh escapes her. Pull yourself together, Lumine, she scolded herself, you made your choice, so stick with it.

" Well, " she began with an absent-minded shrug of her shoulders, " I've been told I'd be perfect for the Fatui by a few now, so I figured ... What do I have to lose? " She hates the truth and weight of her words, but she was honest at the very, very least. As his arm comes around her, she shrinks into him, trying to become smaller than she already is. Doubt and lack of confidence was not a good look on her. It was really unbecoming.

Is Childe disappointed in her as much as she was. she wondered. He seemed happy about it, more or less, but she knew better than to take him for face value. He was an expert at hiding his emotions and thoughts, after all. But this was not the place for that. To expose him and his thoughts of this sudden, drastic turn of events.

" Me, work under you? " She spoke out, sounding a little more like herself now, though let it not be forgotten that she was just as good at masking her feelings and emotions. She's had only about 1,300 years worth of practice on it, after all. " You'd like that, wouldn't you? " She elbowed him playfully, grinning wide at him.

But then, her lids lowered to a half-mast over her amber gaze. " Though, actually, " she murmured out, tilting her head a bit to look up at him more properly, " I'd actually like that ... Young Lord Tartaglia. " She wrinkled her nose at that, however, rolling her eyes with a snort; don't get used to that, Childe. You may be her superior now, but ... It'd feel weird. Wrong. And she didn't ... She didn't want to lose what they've already established between them over this. :et her keep at least this, while she still can.

" You're the only one I can trust here, after all ... — "

[luckystarchild]

I want totell you that despite being WAY behind on your fic (RL stuff sometimes makes me sour on certain things bc of events that happen while I'm reading a thing, it's nothing the fic did specifically) but I want to let you know I've been following the 2020!NQK asks and loving them! I dunno if you've been asked this yet, but OG!NQK isn't very politically interested (human politics anyway) last I recall, d'you think 2020!NQK would be different there? 80s/90s Japan has a lot of issues iirc.

Glad to hear you’re doing OK, even if some RL stuff isn’t playing so nicely with your fic-reading habits. 

So what’s funny is that in real life, I am VERY political. Like, to the point of annoyance with my friends and family; my Tumblr posts probably hint at this at least a little. IRL, I’m that person who’s literally always up to date on local elections and national news, and I volunteer with political campaigns and various official-calling initiatives pretty much regularly. I’d say politics are one of my main hobbies besides fic-writing. It’s actually sort of odd that politics don’t play a role in LC, given the POV character is a version of myself. Buuuut this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this discrepancy, so I do have some thoughts regarding why politics haven’t appeared in the story much.

To be super meta, I don’t know much about Japanese politics in the early 90s, which makes writing about them hard!

I don’t see the point in researching them beyond a cursory perusal (which I will admit to doing when I first started LC) because forcing a ton of data about 30-year-old politics into a story that doesn’t have anything to do with said politics feels like something that would bore people; they’re here for story and characters, after all, and while a minority of readers might find those politics interesting, I don’t think it would hold wide appeal

Adding politics would really slog down an already VERY LONG narrative with subplots that aren’t terribly important to the story itself

I spend a ton of time on modern American politics, and LC is a nice escape from that

For more in-universe reasons regarding why NQK is a lot less (seemingly) political than I am, see the following:

NQK is very preoccupied with the events of YYH and likely doesn’t have the mental energy to get into politics AND balance canon

Plus, she’s 14, so there isn’t too much she could get involved in without her parents’ consent

I don’t think she wants to rock the boat where her parents are concerned, so she’d be mindful of how they view her political practices while she’s still a minor

If 2020!NQK were placed into the world of YYH instead of OG!NQK, I DO think she would more interested in the political climate of 1990s Japan, but I think the preoccupation with YYH would still apply and downplay her level of interest compared to the interest she showed politics in her former life. She’d likely keep closer eye on politics than OG!NQK does, but I don’t think she’d be too terribly active in protests... at least not as a young teenager during canon. Once she’s past canon and on her own in the world, however, I can see her becoming more political again, and probably to a greater extreme than 2016!NQK. 

After all, only 2020!NQK knows how bad things will get. 2016!NQK has no idea what’s coming, that sweet summer child...

But to get very meta again, if 2020!NQK were the protagonist, I still wouldn’t write anything but a few throwaway characterization lines about politics into her narrative, once more to spare readers from having to read about stuff that doesn’t apply to the broader story. In long works, you gotta be mindful of your subplots, I suppose. 

Head-canon: 2020!NQK is still a vegetarian like me, and since she’s more of a firebrand, she’d probably spend at least some time on an anti-whaling ship once she hits adulthood, though likely in secret so as not to scandalize her parents.

I hope this all makes sense, and thanks for the question! Hope you get back to the story someday, but however long it takes, it’ll be here until you’re comfy with it again. 

[mwolf0epsilon]

I've been thinking about this Thing for wayy too long, so imma curse you with this too... Gavin has a Baby Mama and they are pretty good friends despite co-parenting twin boys. Every once in a while, the twins will come to the precinct (when Ma is working late or double shifts) and raise a little hell. Nines finally meets the Reed twins 👀 the ensuing chaos is up to you

Again I’m sorry that my headcanons aren’t the typical fandom ones, but this was hilarious fun to write!

Gavin Reed could only ever have mischievous little hellions, even if they’re not inherently assholes like their dad.Poor Nines has to deal with that information haunting his and his brothers’ dreams...

---

     Gavin Reed was one of those people whose reputation preceded them. An ambitious and unapologetically arrogant 3rd generation greco-american, Gavin was a downright rude and opportunistic asshole who tried everything in his power to further his career. He had very few allies (no known friends), and a ton of enemies in and outside of the bullpen. No one, absolutely no one, wanted anything to do with Gavin Reed outside of work. Their personal lives were already too confusing to deal with someone who would make even a nun curse up a storm. Well...Almost no one. From what had become apparent, there were a few people in the known world who seemed to tolerate his unpleasant personality. One of these people was a nurse named Anais.     No one really knew much about her (not even her last name), but according to Tina and Chris, Gavin supposedly met her after a case gone sour landed him in the ER. From there their relationship developed, flourishing into something bizarrely beautiful and mind-boggling with each hospital visit detective Reed was subjected with, due to his lack of work ethic in interrogation. No one knew much about Anais, the nurse who supposedly tamed the beast’s heart, but they certainly knew about Adrian and Edgar. The twin boys who had tan skin and gray eyes like their father, and ebony curly locks like their mother. They were adorable, the two of them, but definitely took after their father in terms of behavior. While not outright hostile, the two were mischievous and assumed themselves above the rules. They pranked people, misplaced objects, and worst of all they were at the precinct often. At least often enough that everyone came prepared with peace offerings so Gavin’s spawn didn’t come for their cellphones, pens, trinkets and other personal belongings.Connor wasn’t in the loop just yet, and neither were Shawn nor Newton for the matter...     Connor had been helping Shawn acclimate to a life of deviancy (something he too was still trying to figure out) and so he’d never really stayed late enough to meet the littlest Reeds. Newton, in turn, worked for the FBI, so he too never had the “pleasure” of falling victim to the little rugrats’s shenanigans. That changed one late evening when a rather gruesome string of android murders had kept both RK800s in the bullpen on a day Anais couldn’t take the twins. Newton had only just stepped foot in the DPD, when he’d come across the rather odd sight. The RK900 stared, blinked, and then stared some more, as he watched his impaired older brother pitch the tantrum of the century while a helpless Connor stared at both his brother and the pair of 9 year old twins smugly grinning at the 60th.  “What in the blazes...?” The blue-eyed android frowned in confusion, glancing at Hank for clarification. The old lieutenant sighed.  “Gavin’s brats did it again. They broke another detective.” The human shook his head, watching the pitiful sight “Not that Shawn was ever unbroken, but god-damn do those two work fast...”  “...And...Err...Why is 60 crying, exactly?” Newton dared ask.  “He’s freaking out because he got pick-pocketed by 9 year olds.”  “I AM A STATE-OF-THE-ART ANDROID DETECTIVE PROTOTYPE! I CANNOT HAVE BEEN BESTED BY REED’S DISGUSTING DROOLING YOUNGLINGS!” Shawn stamped his feet in frustration as tears of saline sollution streamed down his face.  “Shawn please they’re all staring, you can have my coin!”  “YOUR COIN SUCKS!”  “Oh my god...” Chris whispered from nearby.  “Right...I’ll get Gavin. Just...Shit just shut him up, it’s painful to watch a fully grown man crying!” Tina grimaced as she got up and left for the break room. Newton watched her go before his eyes fell back on his brothers and the children. Connor was definitely uncomfortable from all the stares his crying sibling was receiving, and Newton gulped uneasily as the little hellions set their sights on him. They grinned. Gap-toothed freckly smiles should not be that menacing...      “Go home Nines, go home before they take your deck.” Hank whispered “Send the files through WI-FI or some shit.”  “I....Shall do that...”Never had anyone seen a military class android bolt so quickly from the scene, desperate to protect the deck of cards in his front pocket.The RK900 made a note to later acquire a custom-made coin for RK800-60, in the hopes of lessening the grief of losing his to the twin menaces that had spawned from detective Gavin Reed’s loins. Reed’s reputation certainly preceded him, but that seemed to be a family trait.The twins had inherited it at least.One could only guess what sort of power they’d become as soon as they hit adulthood. Hopefully one used for pleasanthoods.

[dearchuchu]

Long version.

I'm going to assume anyone who wants the long version is going to read the short version. So I'll skip what was covered there and go into the details.

I had mini bottles, but I drank them all by dinner time with the idea I would just pick up some more for the long flight in San Fransisco. The closest liquor store was about a mile and a half away from our hotel out by the airport, and Mandy, who didn't know my plan didn't like my plan. She also didn't like that I drank my mini bottles that were for the big flight. I always planned on this, but neglected to tell her.

An Uber to the liquor store was 7 dollars one way. Man San Fransisco is expensive. I told Mandy, who was not happy with the idea of spending 14 dollars to go buy mini bottles that I already had (and drank), to go spend MORE money on MORE mini bottles. I, however disagreed.

I decided, it's only a mile and a half, I'll walk. 50 minutes or so, no big deal. Mandy wasn't keen on that idea, but it was much cheaper than Uber. Then I remembered, "Wait, didn't bird start here?" Yes the scooter company bird is in San Fransisco. I said, "I'll just scoot up there!" Alas, no bird scooters out by the airport hotels. Then I remembered I have lime on my phone too! So I loaded up the lime app, and sure enough, there was a lime scooter on my way!

I located the lime, and it's a bike. I think, "that's fine, biking will still cut off at least half the time!" I unlock it, and the lights don't work. It's night time now, so it's dark. I thought, "Wow, this isn't very safe. You'd think lime would have lights on their bikes." I ride up to the liquor store, which ended up being in a nice section of suburban San Francisco. Once in the well lit area I noticed the bike said "ebike" on it, and I saw the motor for pedal assist. It turns out the lime I got was a lemon. It did have lights, the bike was just broken.

I get my WAY overpriced mini bottles, and then look for another bike, this one, hopefully not broken. I find one quickly, and it works great, lights and everything. Let me just say this, pedal assist bikes are super fun! I flew on the way back to the hotel! If you get a chance, ride one, the motor does all the work for you! I even made Mandy try it when I got back to the hotel. She had to admit, even as someone that doesn't enjoy riding bikes, it was pretty cool.

We both get a crappy night sleep, then eat a pretty good hotel breakfast, then off to the airport. Customs was stressful, as it always is, but the agents were in good spirits, because the TSA in San Fransisco is ran by a private company, so they are still getting paid despite the government shutdown. We find our gate, and get the last few things that we need to do online done before leaving the country for a while. Mandy doing work, me looking at cat memes.

Finally we board our plane, we're all set to go, and we sit. Then we sit. We sit some more, then we sit. Then Mandy points out it's been an hour and we haven't moved. No word from the captain, no word from the crew. Just an hour straight of sitting in a tarmac. The guy next to us, which was clearly flying internationally for the first time asked a passing stewardess, "Hey, what's going on? When are we taking off?" And she said "10 minute." Which is obviously bullshit.

We have a friend who works for Delta, and since we're still on the ground in America, we could still contact her, so we gave her the old "What's going on?" text. She looked into it, bad wind off the coast, Delta flights are delayed by 45 minutes. We watched several planes from several other providers take off, or taxi right behind us. We just sat. It was an hour and fifty minutes before we started moving. The FAA says that after 2 hours they have to provide you with a meal. They got in JUST under the buzzer.

I have no idea why we sat there. There was no work being done, no repairs. Delta got all their flights out in 45 minutes. There we sat. The captain never said a word. The staff said nothing. The only reason we knew anything is we have a friend in the industry. We flew China Eastern, for the record. This was strike one.

We get up in the air, and about two hours later they served our meal, 4 hours after getting on the plane. I could tell the service was going to suck, so I asked for a glass of wine, and a beer, and the flight attendant looked like I just kicked his dog. TWO drinks at the same time? Impossible. He did it, but you could tell it bothered him. I'm personally super glad I did.

The food comes after the drinks and the same guy starts handing us food, and we are like, "Woah buddy, what are the options?" This is when it becomes clear none of the staff speaks English. I mean enough for one to two words here or there, but clearly no real grasp of English. Strike two. He responds "Pork fried rice." Now if any of you are unaware, I haven't been eating pork. It's actually been well over a year, almost two now. I've made one or two exceptions, but those were always my decision.

Mandy says, "What about chicken?" He says "No. Pork fried rice." Luckily for me, I already decided I was going to eat pork on this trip, because the Philippines LOVE pork. In fact, in the first hour of being here we already saw a whole pig roasting on a pit in someone's back yard. What's important here is that I had already decided I could eat pork. I didn't want to on the plane, but with a 12 hour flight (14 with the delay), I had no options. Literally. Now the vegetarian behind me... He had quite a bit less options. I think he just didn't eat. Strike three.

It's important to note when we asked for our wine, he used the small cup, and poured a half pour. He also just had a sour expression on his face when he delt with us. I say "he" because we only delt with one guy for the whole flight. He then turned to the Chinese people across the row from us chatted them up enthusiastically, got out a big cup, and filled it up with wine. To the top. Mandy and I looked at each other like, "Are you seeing this shit?" First overt sign of racism, and that's a strike four.

After lunch, they got our trash, and no staff was to be seen or heard of again for four hours. No water. No snacks. Nothing. So in the 8 hours we were on the plane so far we got one shitty meal (did I mention it was horrible?) One glass of wine each, and one can of beer. At the 8 hour mark they came around with water, and we got yet again, the small glass, and a half pour... Of water. The Chinese people got full pours in big glasses. Strike five.

Two hours after our water (which after that first water, they came by on the hour with water) they brought out no doubt the shittiest sandwich I've ever seen in my life. I'm not exaggerating. This sandwich was, a half a piece of bread, with a meat we couldn't identify, no sauce, another half price of bread, then a wilted piece of lettuce the size of a half dollar, that I would have definitely thrown away in my kitchen, no sauce, then another half piece of bread. We were pretty sure this was going to be our last meal on the plane, and we debated eating it or not... But decided we would risk food poisoning because WE HAD NO OTHER OPTIONS. Strike six.

Two hours after that, about an hour from landing they come around with another meal, much to our surprise. Our dude comes up to us and just started to put a food tray on Mandy's lap (I was in the bathroom) she had to ask, "what is this?" And he said "pork" and she said, "Do I not get any options? Is that all there is? Just fried rice pork?" I'm walking up as he goes, "omelet." She says in her SUPER sweet "Fuck you" voice, "Yeah I'll have the omelet then." As I sit down I say, "Yeah I'll have the same. Also can I get a beer?" He just says "No." And pushed the cart away. Ok. Strike seven.

The omelette was covered with greasy soggy bacon. I thought to myself, "good thing I'm ok with this. Poor vegetarian behind me." My guess is, he just didn't eat. For 14 hours. Also, they made Mandy and myself raise our seats to upright while we ate, not the people in front of us, or any other other Chinese people. Outright racism. When they were breaking down the trash, our guy walks by me with an empty beer can from a couple rows up of, you guessed it, Chinese people. It dawned on me he never said, "No, we're out of beer" which is what I assumed. He just said "No." Blatant racism. Strike eight.

Had I not brought mini bottles, I would have been provided with one beer, and one half of a small cup of wine (about a quarter of a glass) for a 14 hour plane ride. Fucking ridiculous. Unacceptable. I will never in my life ride on China Eastern. I will tell everyone who will listen to me to never ride on China Eastern. Don't ride on China Eastern. Don't give them money. Their staff is racist towards white people. It's understandable if you have a domestic Chinese flight to have your staff not speak English, but if the flight originated in the USA, they should at least be able to answer simple questions.

If for some reason this should end up in front of someone at China Eastern, I don't want free rides, just fix your shit.

So we land, we're at the back of the plane, and our bags are no where near us. This is because the plane is full of people that are carrying 3 to 4 carry on "bags" and cramming shit in the overhead that doesn't belong. We decided to just wait it out and keep an eye on our bags until everyone gets done. The Chinese in my experience push and shove, and don't make lines. This is exactly what happened. They push and shove to be the first to get off the plane, to push and shove to be the first on a bus to take us to the terminal. Mandy and I calmly collect our belongings, and get on the bus patiently, and then the doors close, and we head to the terminal. Golf clap for the Chinese. Well played.

Even though we aren't leaving the terminal, we still have to go through customs in China, which consists of 1 getting your finger prints scanned. 2 scanning your ticket and passport, and 3 going to the terminal. There are self finger print scanners at the beginning of the airport, but literally no one uses them. I say "hey Mandy, shouldn't we scan our fingerprints?" She says, "nobody else is, there's probably more further on." There weren't. I said, "Just because everyone is passing it up doesn't mean they are all right." We debated for a second, then just went on with everyone else. Not ideal.

Meanwhile there are passport control people running through the crowd shouting "MANILA MANILA 10 MINUTES THEY SHUT GATE MANILA MANILA!" See, since our plane was 2 hours late, everyone going to Manila was going to miss their flight. This led to the unorganized shit show we expected in China. People NOT going to Manila started running behind these people. Everyone followed into the self serve line, none of them had their fingerprint scans. You can't use self checkout without the receipt from your fingerprint scans. Manila was being let through without it, because they were literally missing their flight. Quickly the agent figured out the entire line eventually was just people blindly running after them, none of them had the correct information, and none of them could go through.

One by one, after waiting through about 30 minutes in self check out, people were sent back to the back of the line to check in with an officer. The fingerprint scanner was in a section that once you left, you couldn't go back in there. It seems logical if you don't think about it.

The check out by a person line takes about an hour. They were randomly letting people skip the fingerprint just to keep the line moving at self check out, that line was shorter, so we tried to see if maybe they would randomly let us through. They did not. They scanned our face, scanned our passport, scanned our ticket, then pointed to the back of the line.

At no point did anyone try to explain what was going on, in English, or Chinese. This could have saved people (read us) at least an hour. "If you have fingerprint, line here, no fingerprint, line here" is that hard? When we finally get to customs (again) they... Wait for it.. take my picture, scan my ticket, scan my passport, and then tell me to go in to the terminal. They did NOT get my fingerprints. They did NOT stamp my passport. Seriously. You can't make this shit up. They made me wait in line for an hour to do the thing they already did, but then just wouldn't let me in.

Now for security. First, we notice no one is taking their shoes off, and Mandy asks me, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And I go, "I don't think so" and when we get up she asks, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And the lady said "Yes. Shoes off." Literally a Chinese couple in front of us is going through the metal detector with shoes on. Mandy goes, "They're wearing shoes" and this woman from the people's republic of China looks Mandy in the eyes and says, "No they aren't."

"No they aren't." Let that sink in.

So we take off our shoes. I have 2 of my 6 mini bottles left, which they pull out, say something to the other people in Chinese, and then laugh. I think it was good hearted, but, I don't know the language. We make it through, or so I think, until one guy goes, "Take out power pack." I'm like "Oh, yeah I forgot that in my pack. Sure here." He looks it over, flips it around, and says, "No. You can not take." I'm like "Seriously? Why not? I flew here with that. I've flown all over the world with that!" And he says "I can't tell how strong it is, it's not printed." Which is true, because it's been rubbed off from use. The technical info isn't on there. I used that battery 5 days a week for work. It's been on 4 continents. I've flown with it countless times. Now it's stuck in China.

Mandy got super pissed and started to go off, and I stopped her and said, "It's not worth it. We'll have to get another one." China is not a free state. They don't have freedom of speech. The last thing I want is for this to escalate at all. I just said, "Keep it." And we left it. There was no reason for him to confiscate it. At all. I've never had anyone ever even glance at it. Ever. In any country. Ever. Except racist ass China.

At this point, we just wanted to get the fuck out of China. So this is my final point about China.. I kinda wanted to go at some point, Mandy kind of didn't want to go. Traveling with the Chinese, they are rude, pushy, inconsiderate, don't follow any local customs, they let their kids piss and shit in the street (I've seen it multiple times), and they just suck in general. These are my observations from traveling with the Chinese abroad. Traveling with them on their home turf, turns out they are racist against me as well. That being said, thanks but no thanks. China is officially off my list of countries I will visit. I now have absolutely no desire to go to China. We will never ride any Chinese airline ever again, no matter how good the ticket price. I'll never pay someone to treat me like a piece of shit.

Anywho, we have a bit of a panic getting on our last flight to the Philippines because our gate had only our flight on it, and they randomly closed it. We didn't know what time it was in China, and there were no clocks in the airport (which is insane). We went to get a drink, and our flight was a 9:20. At the restaurant we went to they said, "No food, just drinks" we said, "Ok we will do drinks." She said ok, the we ordered two Johnny Walker blacks, the lady then said, "No. Only beer." And I'm looking at the bottle with my eyes, and we're like, "uhhhh" she then said, we "We close at 9. Only beer." Which were 6 dollars for VERY blah Chinese beers. No thanks.

Well, now we're thinking it's like 5 till or something, then we see our gate is closed, and they're people going dowm an escalator towards our gate, towards our plane. We panic a little, then a bilingual girl comes up, and she straight up goes into full panic. "The gates are closed!" Then some Chinese. She takes off, we follow, she finds someone who works at the airport, hurried Chinese speech, then she takes off, we follow her. She's trying to find a way to that escalator, we are too. She gets us pretty worked up... Finally I'm like, "I'm just going to turn on my phone for a second for it to update to Shang Hai time." it connects... It's 8:18. After running around.

Yet again, we close at 9, so we can't serve you anything but beer... At our restaurant. Racist bullshit.

We get on the plane, no TV on this one, so 4 hours of silence. Everyone tried to sleep anyways. Everyone on this flight was on a similar ordeal as we were. Everyone used China as a layover, so they are all as exhausted as we are. When we land the plane erupts in laughter and applause. We made it. We fucking made it.

Well, to the Philippines. We still had a bit to go to get to our island... For sure. I'll post the rest of the long version later.

[rosesloveletters]

Hi darling ❤️ how have you been? You said this month's been a lot so I'm just checking in to see you're hanging in there 🍂 remember that you're important to a lot of people and your f/os love you endlessly <3 I've been trying to make a soft landing back into uni for myself and so far it's been alright. My schedule is bearable and I love the fact that it's gonna remain unchanged all the way to next year's January. I've only gone out once with my uni friends, to see a play at a theatre and it's been wonderful. I feel like with everything that's been going on lately I've had to take a lot more time for myself to be able to function but it's felt really good.

I'm so glad I got back to horse riding, it's become such a highlight of every week and it makes me happy. I'm gonna be taking part in a dressage competition (just for the roders at the stable, nothing too fancy) next week and I'm both excited and scared. I've watched hours of dressage, trying to prepare myself somehow, maybe. Cowboy's been a champ about all this - bless the man for that, he's absolutely clueless about english riding - he's watched all my lessons and given me feedback (it's mostly him saying everything I did on the horse was amazing and me giving him a reality-check that everything I did was not, in fact, perfect).

I hope the rest of your week'll be kind on your soul, you deserve it 🤍✨

Hi, Magda✨❤️ How have you been doing? I hope all is well with you; I've been thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

I've been handling it as best as I can. I made a post about it on IG, but last month one of our family cats passed away completely out of the blue and the details of which were very traumatic. That, amongst other things, have soured my mood these past few weeks. I've also just been incredibly busy with work and things happening in my personal life that I've just not had a whole lot of down time.

Thank you for checking on me; it means a lot to me❤️ You're very sweet to say that and I hope you remember and know how important you are to me, to others, your f/os and all whom you meet.

That's great to hear that uni has been going okay for you so far and I hope it continues on that way as the semester goes on. That's wonderful that you've had an easy transition with classes and that you'll have the same ones until January. It's so nice to not have to worry about things changing too soon. Yes, you should definitely take all of the time that you need and give yourself plenty of space to choose what you want to do, when, how soon, etc. I hope that you had fun seeing that play with your friends❤️ That sounds lovely! I know you've told me you've had a rather rough time this year and I'm so relieved to know you're doing much better now and giving yourself the time and space to function how you and your body needs❤️

I'm happy you've gotten back into horse riding too! It sounds like it would be so much fun and it seems to make you very happy and helps you connect with your f/os since some of them love doing that as well! Ooh that competition sounds like so much fun!! Just remember that it's only a friendly competition and to have as much fun with it as possible. Take it easy and just focus on how much fun you'll have, since horse riding is something you love to do❤️ Oh my goodness, well, I'm happy that your Cowboy is being so supportive of you! Take it all in, darling, and let him in to be there and to support you in this. He is so proud of you an so am I! All you can do is practice and then do your best in the competition and that's all the matters. I know you'll do well with it! You're already a capable rider from what you've told me and as long as you're having fun then it'll definitely be a memorable experience and you'll be very glad you did it❤️❤️

Thank you for your support, darling! I love you and hope you have a great time at the competition. I'll be sending good vibes your way that you'll do well and enjoy yourself❤️❤️