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illdowhatiwantthanks · 9 months ago

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The Kidney Bean & The Grape (The Surprise, Part 3)

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: emetophobia (nothing graphic, but characters discuss morning sickness), mostly fluff, established relationship, pregnancy times, some explicit language Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: Weeks 8 & 9 of your pregnancy are underway. Morning sickness has hit you like a freight train and you're feeling sick and gross and weak. Thankfully, Emily is always there by your side.

Week 8: The Kidney Bean

You slumped into the wall next to the toilet, shaking, a thin coating of sweat covering your face. You were so tired, so tired, of throwing up. You’d read that not all pregnant people experienced morning sickness, and that not all of the ones who did puked, and not all the ones who puked did so on a daily basis. You sent a silent fuck you into the ether to all those people.

Emily crept into the bathroom, a cup of ice chips and your favorite tiny spoon in hand. “Oh, honey,” she said, looking at you with the most pitiful, helpless expression you’d ever seen. Your hunched, exhausted body broke her heart.

You groaned and leaned your head against the tiled wall, trying to breathe steadily as waves of nausea coursed through you.

Emily grabbed a washrag from under the sink, running it under the faucet and squeezing out the excess. She folded it carefully, then sat down on the floor next to you, placing the cool rag gently on the back of your neck. She played with the messy strands of hair at your nape as she held the washrag in place.

“You think you can manage some ice chips?” she asked quietly. You thought for a moment before nodding.

You sat up and reached to grab the cup from her, your hand grazing one of your breasts. A searing, rhythmic pain shot through your body, and you doubled over, clutching your chest.

“Ow! Fuck!” you yelled, bursting immediately and uncontrollably into tears. Pain and nausea and hormones coursed through you like tributaries of some awful, body-wide river. Yet another thing you hated about being pregnant.

“What!? What happened!? Are you okay!?” Emily asked, scanning your body for harm.

You leaned into her, and she wrapped her arms protectively around your shaking body. You could count on one hand the number of times in your adult life that you’d full-on sobbed–until the last two weeks. Now you’d need at least four or five hands.

“I–” you gasped, gulping in great breaths of air as tears streamed down your face. “I hit my boob when I reached for the ice!” It would be funny if you weren’t so pitiful, if you hadn’t been nauseated and in pain for eight days straight now. The knowledge that it could and likely would last for months made you physically ill.

Emily shushed you and held your face to her chest as you cried. She knew that you’d both made the decision that you would carry. And that it was a smart decision–you were younger than her, your career was less demanding and unpredictable, and you worked from home. But at this moment? She wished with everything in her that it was her body and not yours going through all this.

As Emily rocked you, she felt like crying, too, even though this wasn’t hard for her, at least not like it was for you. It was easy to hold you when you cried. Easy to be there for you, to comfort you. To bring you plain toast and ice chips and to hand wash your tiny spoon so it was always ready. It was easy to hold back your hair while you vomited, to scrub the toilet every night so it’d be clean when you got up in the morning.

This was the hard part: watching you struggle, watching your body go through absolute hell, and not being able to do a thing about it. Somehow it was worse because you’d chosen to do it. For her. For the both of you, so that you could start a family. Emily had never realized what an immense sacrifice it was to grow a baby. You’d sacrificed your body, your time, your comfort, everything, to house this little human. It was humbling to watch.

When your sobs quieted to the occasional sniffle, she started running her fingers through your hair, matching the rhythm to your breath–or maybe it was the other way around.

“I’m so sorry you feel so bad, honey,” Emily said, her mouth pressed to the side of your head, trying to convey all the love and empathy and admiration she held for you. “Thank you for doing all this. For me and for us and for the little kidney bean. You’re amazing.”

You sat up, slowly reaching to grab the cup of ice chips.

“I thought we were calling her the blueberry?” you said, your voice still wavering, as you pressed the cool spoon experimentally to your lips.

Emily rubbed your back in gentle circles, her fingers cool and soothing from holding the ice chips. “Last week he was a blueberry. This week he’s the size of a kidney bean.”

You scrunched your eyebrows in thought, your hair a hornet’s nest, tiny little spoon poking out of your mouth. Emily beamed at you. Even now, when you felt your absolute shittiest, you were the most adorable person she’d ever clapped eyes on.

“So we’re just gonna change her nickname every week?”

“I mean, I am,” Emily decided, scooping a piece of ice out of your cup and crunching it in her mouth. “It helps me remember how big he is.”

You sighed, placing a gentle, protective hand over your stomach. Minus the puking and the insane hormones, it was still hard to believe there was a little human inside of you.

“You’re giving me a lot of shit, bean,” you said, directing your voice to your stomach. “You better be really cute.”

Emily leaned her head against your shoulder. “He’s made of you,” she observed. “How could he not be?”

You looked at her, feeling tears prickle at your eyes again. You huffed, sniffling and attempting to suck the tears back into your body.

“Ugh, stop being so romantic!” you exclaimed, smiling and wiping away a few rogue tears. You took her hand in yours, letting out a deep, shaky breath. “If you keep that up, I’ll never stop crying.”

“Anything for you,” she acquiesced. And you knew she meant it. She really would do anything for you. She’d go to the ends of the earth for you.

“Anything?”

“Mmhm,” she nodded.

“Even Ritz crackers?”

She laughed and kissed the side of your head before pushing herself to her feet. “One plate of Ritz crackers, coming right up.”

“My hero!” you called after her. And you meant it.

Week 9: The Grape

You wrestled against the apple slicer, standing on tiptoes to try to get enough leverage to break through. You were unreasonably angry at how much you were struggling. Leverage was usually an issue–you were short. But now your arms were weak and achy, too, like they were made of rubber.

Emily walked through the door, dropping her bag by the entryway and smiling at your struggling, tiptoed form.

“Need some help?” she asked, wrapping her arms around you from behind and kissing you on the cheek.

“No,” you huffed.

She raised her eyebrows at you.

You sighed. “Yes.”

“That’s what I thought,” she gloated, planting tiny, fluttering kisses all over your face and neck until you were giggling and your frustration had dissipated.

Emily maneuvered your body around so she could place her hands on either side of your face. She stared into your eyes for a moment before leaning down to kiss you. You didn’t know what she’d seen at work that day, what kind of gruesome, perverted crimes she was dealing with, but whatever it was, you could feel the stress of it, the darkness, seeping off and away as she relaxed into you. She kissed you eagerly, earnestly, as if you were a cool body of water after a long, dry journey.

When you ran out of air, you pulled away and pressed your head into her chest, wrapping your arms tightly around her. She exhaled heavily and carefully cradled the back of your head, resting her chin on top.

“You’re really great to come home to, you know that?” she told you, her voice vibrating around you as you hugged her.

“You want to talk about it?” you asked quietly, pulling away to look her in the eyes.

She shook her head. “No, not yet.”

You nodded and squeezed her hand. You wouldn’t push her to tell you, you never did. But she knew you were there to listen when she was ready to talk.

“Alright, let’s get you your snack,” she said, clearly wanting to move away from thinking about work.

You opened a cabinet, standing on tiptoes again to try and reach a jar of peanut butter.

“Hey,” Emily chastised, grasping at your reaching hand and squeezing it. “You go sit down. I’ll get it.”

“I can get my own snack, Emily,” you protested. You knew you were going to have to be less independent during your pregnancy, and it was a hard transition for you to make. You didn’t like depending on people, even Emily, though you were getting better about it the longer you were in a relationship with her.

“I know you can,” she said, pressing down the apple slicer as if it was nothing but a stapler. “But I like to take care of my wife.”

You couldn’t help but smile, blushing a little, as Emily peeled off one of the apple slices and popped it in your mouth.

“Now go sit down,” she ordered, playfully smacking your ass. You rolled your eyes but did as you were told. “Why don’t you queue up one of those animated shows you like so much? I’m not done with She-Ra yet, am I?”

Your face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Really!?”

She chuckled. “Yeah, of course. I gotta find out if they finally kiss.” She stared at you pointedly. “It seems like they should, right?” She was always trying to get you to reveal plot spoilers, and you were so gullible you often fell for it.

You raised your hands and shook your head as you plopped down on your corner of the couch.

“Listen, I’ll neither confirm nor deny any Sapphic plotlines.”

“Asshole,” she called, spooning peanut butter onto a plate with the apples.

She walked over to you, plate in hand, and sat down on the couch, raising her hands in the air so you could get into your normal TV-watching position.

You’d been embarrassed at first by how much you loved your head in Emily’s lap, how comfortable and safe it made you feel. For months when you’d first started dating, you’d always wait for her to pull you into her, breathing a sigh of relief when she finally did. Until one day, she’d sat down on the couch, lifted up her arms and said, “Come on, get in your spot.”

You rested your head in her lap, relishing the weight of her arms as she lowered them. You pressed play on She-Ra, and Emily passed you an apple slice dipped in peanut butter. You crunched happily. This was a good night for you. Your favorite show. Your favorite snack. Your favorite person. Almost no nausea!

Between apple slices, Emily ran her fingers through your hair. You hadn’t felt so relaxed in weeks. So relaxed you could almost…

“Hey,” Emily prompted, holding out an apple slice, but you didn’t answer. She looked down and brushed your hair out of your eyes to find you sound asleep. She smiled softly and ate the apple slice herself.

Emily loved watching you sleep. You always slept curled, your fist resting next to your face like a baby whose thumb had slipped out of its mouth in the middle of the night. She wondered briefly if the baby would sleep like that, too, and the thought gave her butterflies. She paused the show, knowing you’d be sad later if she watched it without you–you liked to watch her watch.

She scrolled through shows and movies, but finally gave up. All she wanted to watch was you. Her heart melted as you tensed and stretched a little in your sleep, your hand wrapping protectively around your stomach. She knew she should get up, should move you to the bed. She knew that once you got there, you’d curl right back into her. That she would wrap her arms tightly around you and bury her head in your neck and hold you and the baby. She’d hold you both so close, so careful and secure, and she’d sleep well knowing you were there next to her.

There was only one person in the world she trusted to keep her family safe, and that was her. Soon, she’d move you to the bedroom. Soon, she’d turn off the lights and arm the alarms and crawl into bed next to the love of her life and her unborn child. But for now–she just wanted to watch you, your hair through her fingers and the sound of your breathing grounding her to all that was good in the world.

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x fem!reader #emily prentiss drabble #emily prentiss fluff #emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #hurt/comfort

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ohnomytummy · 1 year ago

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Hi, I have a story from this Thanksgiving that I thought this community would like, and I don't have a kink blog to post it to so I'm gonna share it here cause I know your box is always open. Lol

I'm relatively thin, severely underweight for a good chunk of my childhood, have always been poor so I've never gotten to indulge too much in feasting, not in this economy. But long backstory short, I had the house to myself for pretty much 4 days straight for Thanksgiving break, along with all the leftover food from the entire family thanksgiving.. I was asked to toss most of it because we didn't have room in the fridge and it would go bad, but I didn't want any of it to go to waste.. you can probably tell where his is going..

I have a pretty sensitive stomach since I get full pretty quick, and I'm also lactose intolerant and most meat makes me gassy (and sweaty for some reason?), but for some reason none of that mattered to me, I put a YouTube series I've been itching to watch on my phone and munched on everything that was in front of me which included:

-almost half of a turkey that had been sitting out on the table for a day

-a platter of cheese and cube/slice things and pepperoni/some other meat I forgot

-I wanna say maybe 20 small sugar cookies (the puffy Walmart ones with frosting)

-about 2 litres total of a miz of lemonade, sprite, ginger ale, and coca cola

- 5 bread rolls with melted cheese and butter

-uncounted handfuls old candy I still had from Halloween....

I didn't even realize I'd been eating so much, but I guess since it was all over the course of about a day (9 hours-ish?) It was gradual enough that I didn't realize I'd gone overboard until the end. I remember reaching for the next thing getting ready and thinking "wow i wonder how much ive eaten" and seeing that the answer was all of it. I was wearing an elastic tank top, and I looked down and holy shit I looked pregnant. The tank top is kind of long but there was maybe an inch of belly sticking out from underneath naturally, and the tank top itself was like vacuum sealed tight to my skin!

This is where stuff gets crazy. I put my hand on my stomach to rub it and I could feel it churning under my hand, from the inside ofc and through my belly. I'd been burping throughout the whole stuffing absent-mindedly, but now that it was all setting in, I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn't even feel nauseous at first, it was just PAIN in my middle and I could barely get up. I'm so glad I was alone because I was moaning and rubbing my belly with both hands, holding it as I tried to get up. I could feel myself bringing up burps with every exhale, they were like.. soft and quiet but also really deep and sick, coming out with every breath, like "... urrrrrrp.. hic-hurrrrrp... uurppp. ur-urrp... hic-hUuuurrrrrrrrrp..." and with groans after each one lmao. I made my way to the bathroom eventually and sat by the toilet, sure I was gonna be sick, but I wasn't. I almost wanted to be, but I think I was just too scared to puke. So I sat back against the tub, facing the toilet, my whole body was covered in a cold sweat atp and i was rubbing my belly, and I could feel every single rumble as it ripped through my stomach and rose up as a belch. I couldn't stop burping like I was just about crying on the bathroom floor, bloated as a tick, belching helplessly. After a few minutes the burps started slowing down, but they were much more wet when they did come up. I think the meat and lactose was probably digesting now because I actually started to feel queasy. I started holding in my burps in fear that the food might come up, but then the air started xoming out the back. Starting with small short toots, leading to nauseous farts that, much like the burps, WOULDNT STOP. I was uncontrollably farting, small short bursts every few seconds and idk how to describe it but the farts felt pukey somehow. My stomach was churning like crazy and I could hear it from the outside (still felt intense as I rubbed it too). All the while the original belches never really stopped, so I was just on the floor, gas from both ends pouring out. My stomach was so hard and tight it felt like a bowling ball attached to me and my shirt was so tight it was so hot in hindsight but I felt like I was dying in the moment. Anyways I eventually fell asleep on the floor, woke up feeling sick, burped and farted next to the toilet again and tried doing the doggy-style yoga pose (best that I could, anyways, with my bloated upset tummy still filled with rotting undigested Thanksgiving leftovers) and kept farting until out of nowhere I almost shat myself, I think the position I was in moved the air along but the air took some stuff with it, so now I had to abandon that and sit on the toilet with a trash bin next to me because I couldn't fit it between my legs (my tummy took up the room lol) and it was mostly just me being sick from both ends, along with super uncontrollable rumbly burps and farts that just would not ever fucking stop.

Once it was all out things went back to normal, other than me being really gassy for a few more days.

I will let my uh *cough* community have this 😳🥵

#thanksgiving #ask #wowowowowowoeow #your poor poor belly #but also not….whoopsie

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deeptrashwitch · 2 months ago

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A Haunting Past (Part 16)

Here we go with another chapter! As usual, shout out and a thousand thanks to @islandtarochips for being my beta reader 💖💖

Enjoy the chapter!

Taglist (just to show :3): @alypink @snootlestheangel @islandtarochips @raresvtm

@cynicvice @midnight193 @mutantthedark @justasmolbard @welldonekhushi

@tapioca-milktea1978 @imagoddamnonionmason @stargazing-sapphire2 @milkteaarttime @blacktacmopsi

@maymaylyn @thatonesillyducko @seraphiixiao @me-is-confused @gunnrblze

Tw: Panic attack

Days passed and Alicia just waited for Wraith to figure out who the number belonged to. It was something that never completely left her mind. To the point she started to write some of the plans she had in her notebook.

That just made her wonder once again. Who? It didn't make any sense, she couldn't really think of someone that would betray them that way. And even then, why stay in the Marine Corps afterwards?

It was stressing her out very badly.

And now, night after night, she woke up covered in a cold sweat and running to the bathroom to puke. All that was happening made her memories even worse. The nightmares were so recurrente that even the others were noticing her eye bags. Even Jackson tried to convince her to take another time off, even try using sleeping pills.

If only he knew…

She has been taking pills since a long time ago but they didn't work. Never completely. And less now.

“Ugh…I need to end this soon so I can sleep.” She murmured to herself one day when blood started to drop from her nose while she did paperwork.

After a couple of days, she just tried to focus on her work. By the afternoon, she went for a glass of water while she was already prepared for another restless night. That is until Wraith walked inside.

“Do you have the information?” Alicia asked without looking at her fellow comrade.

Wraith stayed in silence for a second, almost like she was doubting. “I do.”

“Let’s hear it then.”

Alicia turned around, just to see how Wraith from all people looked at her with sadness and pity. She raised an eyebrow but waited for her to speak. Soon Dominique sighed and spoke, trying to avoid any eye contact for the first time since they met.

“The numbers…it belongs to a Raider.” Wraith started to say.

“Okay, we knew that much.”

“The thing is about who that Raider is.”

“Who is it? Someone from the Sixth? Maybe another black operations team?”

“I'm sorry Alicia.”

Alicia frowned. “Why are you apologizing? It starts to worry me.”

Wraith just gave her the folder with the traitor’s identity. When Alicia opened it, the first thing that she saw…was a well known face. One that she saw not so long ago.

Oliver.

Fucking Oliver Reyes.

“You’re joking...” She whispered, trying not to throw the folder to her face. “You’re joking!”

“I wish I was, but I confirmed…”

“It can’t be! He was one of us!”

“Alicia, breathe. Please.”

But Alicia wasn't hearing her anymore. She just felt how everything was destroyed and disappeared around her, all the plans she made. Everything that she had created to make sure her team was SAFE and getting the job DONE. But everything went sideways BECAUSE of that one person who she trusted the most.

Not long after, Alicia was starting to have trouble breathing while she kept asking in her mind for the reason.

At some point her legs gave up as she fell to the ground. She couldn't hear anything other than a buzzing in her ears. In just a second the world was moving so fast that she felt like it stopped for a second.

Alicia couldn't believe it.

She never thought about the possibility of Oliver being the traitor. But now she learns that he sold them. He gave them to hell on earth.

“He was one of us…” She whispered, crying uncontrollably.

She could see how the boys barged into the kitchen and how Luke argued with Wraith, but it was surreal. Almost like she was in her body but at the same time she wasn't. There was no other sound than the buzzing. And suddenly, she felt like she started to laugh.

Alicia passed a hand through her hair while she laughed and cried. Completely desperate. Unknowingly to her, she looked like she had lost her mind. Then she covered her face with the same hand, still crying.

She couldn't believe it. For a second she wished it was just a nightmare.

William. Richard. Kate. Jason. Sean. Arthur. Leo.

All of them were dead because of Oliver.

She went through hell because of him.

And yet, she couldn't understand why. Oliver was like them. He was part of the 267 too, they trained, fought and survived together.

Why? WHY?!?

While she felt a pressure over her chest and her vision started to darken, her mind just repeated a single thing. It was his fault. All of it, all of the pain, the nightmares, the blood shed. It was him.

At some point she swore she saw Jackson kneel beside her, with a worried expression. But she couldn't be sure, because something snapped inside her and she fell unconscious.

Hours later she woke up with a groan, feeling her body weight a ton. To her surprise, Jackson was sitting behind his desk simply doing his paperwork while Luke napped near him. It was the first time she ever saw them so…peaceful around each other.

“...Why aren't you killing each other?” She asked, trying to feign a smile while straightening up.

Jackson stood up and stopped her from moving. “Don't.”

“Jackson-”

“No, Origin. This time DON’T.” He said seriously. “You had to be sedated.”

“What?”

“You had a full blown panic attack. It was so bad I had to sedate you to stop you from hurting yourself.”

Alicia sighed tiredly before laying her head back down. “Damn it.”

“I haven't seen this since we met and even then it wasn't this bad.” Jackson said, now looking at her with worriedness. “Are you really okay?”

“... I'll be.”

Jackson sighed and shook his head. “I don't believe that. This time I can see how much it’s affecting you.”

Alicia just raised an eyebrow before looking at her hand. She saw an IV connected to her arm. After that, she looked at Jackson again.

“So now what? I assume Wraith told you why I had a panic attack.”

“She did. And we spoke with all the team-”

Luke looked at her, already awake. “We’ll help you to find Reyes, no matter the time it takes, but under one condition.”

“Shoot.”

“You go with us. Not on your own.”

Alicia was completely in silence after hearing Luke’s request. Before she could even answer, Wraith had walked in. There was no need for another word before Alicia raised her hands.

“I know what you will say.” Alicia said with a sigh.

“You won't be in this.” Wraith ordered coldly. “This time the CIA ordered it, it's above you and me.”

“What?! But Alicia's the one-!” Luke tried to intervene, just to be interrupted by Alicia's hand.

“It’s fine, still, thanks for offering to help me, guys.” Alicia said before looking at Wraith. “Who takes it?”

Wraith shook her head. “I can't disclose it, but they know your clash of interests.”

“Do they think I’ll do something stupid on duty?”

“Most likely.”

Alicia looked at her jacket, that was over a chair, before moving to take it. In silence she looked for something and stripped it. She gave it to Wraith, who raised an eyebrow when she saw Alicia’s captaincy badge.

“Alicia-”

“I have too much to lose to risk it like that.” Alicia said, surprisingly calm.”Here, keep it until this is ended, I won't be the Captain for now.”

Wraith grabbed it with a frown. “I expected you to be furious.”

“I am, but I won't risk my people.”

“Right…”

Alicia looked at her tiredly. “I'll be on leave, call me when you find him. I need to speak with him.”

Wraith doubted for a second, but then she nodded with a look of pity. “Where will you go? To Las Almas?”

“...No, I need time alone.”

Wraith nodded and soon she took Luke along to ask him to fill her role in the meantime. All while Jackson looked at Alicia in silence, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m actually surprised by your reaction.I thought you’d go full psycho hunting Reyes.”

“Nah…you know I can’t.”

Jackson sighed and nodded. “Guess you’re right. Anyway, call me if you feel sick, okay? For now, I’ll go see what I have to do. Now that Luke is the leader temporarily.”

“Good luck, kid.”

“Mhmm.”

The medic walked out of the medic bay while Alicia kept the calm expression, until he disappeared from her sight. For a second she stayed like that, then her expression changed to a deep angered scowl and clenched her hands until her knuckles became white.Still without saying a word, she grabbed a second phone hidden in her jacket to message someone.

[We need to talk. Soon.]

#call of duty #cod oc #ocs #oc #call of duty modern warfare #cod mw2 #cod mwii #my writing #writing #cod fics #fics #my fics

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mio-nika · 7 months ago

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Also. Re: my previous post. Or more like comments under the YouTube video.

It's gonna sound mean. So like sorrey I'm not really sorrey

Am I the only person who kinda CRINGES inside when they see people diagnosing other people? Like, "hey, I think you have ahdh, get a therapist ;)". Or "the things you said reminded me of autism symptoms, I think you have it". Like. Its weird???

I saw this post on tumblr. Artist drew herself as three different parts of self. And people like "hey! Maybe you are a System!". Shut up???

Maybe it just feels weird for me, since I'm a person with many symptoms which correlates to other neurodivergencies. Like, getting easily overwhelmed with sensory overload immediately getting a banging migraine and puking my guts. Or coping with stress by uncontrollably talking about my personal interests up to four hours. Without breaks. Or needing to draw big black cross on my hand, so I will not forget to go to the store on my way home (works great actually!). Or having wild mood flips and unhealthy attachments. By that I mean crying in the bathroom because someone made a nice comment to me and fucking STALKING BEHAVIOUR (it was in my youth, now i stable). Coping with hurdles with both alcohol and energy drinks (the first in the evening, the second in the morning). Rotting on the bed for THREE FUCKING MONTHS STRAIGHT. Not even having enough energy to think longer than three hours (you think for 3 hours, sleep for 15, repeat).

Basically if someone would tell me that I have. Autism, ahdh or bipolar. I would start maiming people. Even tho, from the outside perspective. I can appear to have them. I also don't have any of them.

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luvingshidou · 7 months ago

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While everyone was freaking out because of the sudden lack of light in otoya's and @sharkissm house and trying to find the door keys to open the front door, shidou, @luvingshidou pookie wookie, found them and yelled: "I FOUND THE DAMN KEYS YALL!!!!! WE'RE SAVED!!!!!!" In his demon asf voice, everyone cheered for him!! Specially izzy!! But nobody had the courage to open the door and go out of the house to fix the electric generator, only shidou did, so that's what he did!! He opened the door and left the house so he could fix the generator.

Minutes passed, and suddenly it's been 1h that shidou left to look at the generator, leaving izzy alone and worried for him.

Until an explosion (literally) happens and everyone goes to look at the windows, trying to find shidou, but all that they see is his body laying on the floor and a puddle of blood. Izzy then starts to cry and @sharkissm @kuro-min and @merlucide start comforting her the best they can.

The door slams, making a really loud PA, and when @kurona-theshark tries opening it, it's locked again.

What's happening?!?!? Nobody knows... "Who's gonna be next?" Is all they can think about...

no. No. NO. NOOOO. not my husband. NOT SHIDOU NONONONONONO, our children??? His nephews, nieces, father in law, mother in law???? WHY??????? I can't think a life without him, a life without him is a life not worth living. At all.

I sat on the floor, the slam of the door, fell deaf on my ears. I was still in shock and denial. All I could do was sob uncontrollably, with shidou gone what am I supposed to do??? How would I break it to our children??? Not fair. It seems this world is out for me, but out of all things, why did they take shidou, my husband, the father of my kids??? Why??? Again, a life without him is a life not worth living. In the end, throughout all the arcs and trouble, it would always be me and him at the end of the day. No matter how hard it got, I'd always have him. I continued to cry. My sobs were painful against the ears, my tears flowed down my cheeks, soaking my shirt, my mascara too. My eyes were red and puffy, and I felt like I was gonna puke. Fuck sake.

#asks!!#girlfriend fc #gf fc lore #gf fc #girlfriend cult #NOOOOOOOOOOÒ

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fxchild · 1 year ago

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The Switch

Miles Fairchild x fem!reader

Chapter five: apology accepted

Miles pov

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm laying on my bed with my lamp light on wide awake. It's 12:30 in the morning which means only another hour until Y/n gets home. I've had a bad feeling in my gut all morning and I think it's trying to tell me something. I honestly don't even know why I'm THIS concerned. I've never even talked to girls and all of the sudden she has my full attention. I think what I need is another get away, maybe she'll be gone by then and I won't have to be breathing down her neck.

My thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. Hoping it was Y/n calling I ran to pick it up. "Hello?" I say eager to hear the voice on the other line.

"Miles?" I hear a girl's voice slurred with a lot of loud voices in the back. "Can you hear me alright?" She asked sounding scared.

"Yeah I can hear you fine, what's going on?" Can she stop asking dumbass questions and get to the point?

"Yeah um, I need you to pick me up. The party is getting bad and I can't drive and there are a bunch of creepy people here and I'm really scared-" she is spiraling at this point so I cut her off.

"Jesus are you serious Y/n? Give me the address, I'll write it down and I'll be there, how long does it take to get there?" I assure and ask her.

"About an hour and 15. The address is 1127 Plymouth drive." She replies as I write it down.

"I'll be there just don't talk to anyone and sit in front of the house or something." I tell her while putting my shoes and jacket on over my red sweater. We disconnect on the phone and I leave to go find a cab. I was lucky there was some around especially the fact it was so late.

I arrived at the house and she wasn't lying, the party was fucking insane. If I wasn't here to pick her up I would have partied now. I looked around the yard to see Y/n almost passed out on the front steps leaning against the railing.

"Y/n!" I shouted to her and her eyes immediately burst open looking for me. She gets up and almost falls down the steps walking crookedly towards me. I catch her as she almost falls. "What the hell happened to you?" I ask, surprised she would be this irresponsible. She doesn't answer just slurs a little and we go to find her car. She may have lost almost all consciousness but at least she didn't lose her keys. I put her in the back seat so she can get some sleep while we're driving. I'm kind of nervous because I have only got a few driving lessons but we make it back home safe. Nice to say I'm NEVER driving again.

I lift her out of the back seat and I can smell all sorts of alcohol on her breath. She is mumbling but I can sort of understand what she is saying. It's along the lines of, "puke, hair, hold, and-" fuck. She started vomiting everywhere and it smelled like shit. I held her hair and looked away while she gagged everything up on the grass. She started sobbing uncontrollably and hugged me with a tight grip.

Her legs started to get weak so I helped her up and walked her back to her room. I let her get changed while I stood outside her room. She walks up to the door and starts to talk with a little slur.

"Thank you, Miles. I know you don't know how to be social, but I really appreciate it." She says starting to cry again. I smile to myself just a little bit not letting her words sink in too much. I sit outside her door for a little while just in case she needs to throw up again. Though I really don't think she can because it looked like she hurled all of Thanksgiving dinner. She kept me awake with her loud throaty sobs but soon enough she fell asleep.

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Your pov

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I woke up at 6am with my head pounding like crazy. I tried to remember what happened last night but all I remember was taking shots. I get up to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth because it reeks like throw up.

Walking out of my room I see from the corner of my eye a sleeping Miles up against the wall next to my door. I don't want to disturb his sleep now with my nasty breath so I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I'm heading back to my room I see Miles is no longer there. I don't think about it too much cause I'm too hung over to care about anything right now. I stay in my pajamas because who really cares what I wear?

I go downstairs to see if Miles is with Flora but I see no sign of him. He probably went back to his room to sleep and I don't blame him. Flora is finishing up her paper I assigned her from the book I gave her yesterday while I'm reading books trying to figure out how to get rid of a hangover.

It's been over an hour and Miles still hasn't come down to watch Flora. I'm in the middle of reading her paper and I can't focus because I'm wondering if I did something wrong. I don't think I said anything to him when I came back but I honestly can't believe I drove home drunk and I'm not dead. Maybe I got a ride from Erick or something and I said a snarky comment when I came back into the house?

It's been another half hour and Miles finally comes down like it could've taken him any fucking longer. As soon as I heard footsteps to the room entrance I turned my head so quickly it almost snapped. Miles doesn't look mad, which is good because I really don't want him mad. I'm sitting at a table with Flora who is next to me while Miles is behind me his hands gripping the back of my chair.

"Morning Flora, Y/n." He says groggily.

I didn't say anything because I was really close to passing out and didn't even think I could get another word out of my mouth. Flora on the other hand, is jumping for joy when she sees him because she hated doing the paperwork I assigned. By the time Flora finished her work it was 11:30 am and she had the rest of the day to do whatever she wanted. I, myself didn't have any work to do either so I decided I was going to go upstairs and sleep until dinner. I told Miles I was going to be in my room doing school work and only come get me if it is very urgent. He just nodded his head and I went to my room giddy for my sleep.

I woke up around 5pm because I had a bad dream. I don't understand why I had a nightmare because I hadn't had one for a few days and now I'm suddenly getting them again? It wasn't crazy bad but honestly I'd rather not have a dream at all.

I head to the dining room for dinner and I see Flora and Ms. Grose there but no Miles. He comes 2 minutes after I do and we have dinner. It's kind of awkward because to Ms. Grose and Miles it's obvious I had a rough night last night and I'm probably not gonna be allowed for another, "family function" until the day I die.

After dinner I followed Miles to his room to ask about last night. "Hey," I said knocking on his door, "can I come in?" I ask. "Yeah, sure." He replies back.

"So I don't know what happened last night, if I did anything wrong but I feel like there's been tension all day between us and I really wanna know if I did something bad." I blurted out really fast because I'm nervous about his reaction.

"Okay, well," he starts, with eyebrows raised kind of amused, "at almost one in the morning, you call me, drunk, telling you to pick you up from some party because you are scared and can't drive home. Then when I pick you up I have to drive back, which I didn't know how to do. Finally when we got home you puked everywhere and cried yourself to sleep. So yeah, I'd say you were a little irresponsible." He says in a, "I told you, you shouldn't have gone to that party" tone. I look at him with pure shock and embarrassment. I honestly can't believe I did all that but now it's starting to come back to me.

"Oh fuck, Miles I'm really sorry about that. If I could make it up to you please tell me how." I said feeling really guilty.

He pauses for a moment looking at my eyes, lips, then to the floor. He curls his lips into a smile but doesn't say anything. Finally he looks at me and says, "Doesn't matter anyways, I'm probably going to be leaving again for a little bit soon. Need to clear my head, you know?"

I scoff at him. "Seriously?" I ask. "You just came back less than a week ago and you already want to leave?" I say annoyed, crossing my arms.

"Does it matter?" He spurts back.

"Well I mean a little." I say. "Flora loves you and when you leave, I'm not gonna hear the last of it. She'll be really upset. And I was just starting to get to know you, I just think you should think about it a little bit." I say walking out of the room.

I'm not gonna lie, Miles is cute. Really cute, nevermind, Miles is fucking hot. I really don't want him to leave or else I'll lose my mind. I'm not sure if he finds me attractive but maybe tomorrow I'll try to convince him another way to stick around for a little longer..

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Hi guys, sorry I was supposed to post this a few days ago but I've been super busy ! I hope you liked this chapter and I wanted to say tysm for the support ! It means a lot to me and I hope we continue to grow as this series goes on. Again tysm n bye 🩷🩷

#miles fairchild #the turning #miles fairchild x reader #finn wolfhard #fanfic #miles fairchild smut #fxchild #the switch

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kath-artic · 9 months ago

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was in such a crazy bad panic last night like on the verge of puking waking up in a cold sweat every 10 seconds for multiple reasons but one of the big ones was i dreamt that all the horrible things my friend had said to me--all the things i pretty easily handwaved because i knew they were all said with the intention to hurt me rather than with the intention of being truthful--were said by him instead and THAT made me start to question if they were true. because he would have no reason to bring me down in those ways. and i woke up crying at the thought i may never be important to anyone in the way i want to be and was additionally upset that any part of my mind would use his likeness to self sabotage. like it feels so mean to imagine someone who has been nothing but kind as anything but that. and admittedly he was kinda distant this weekend (because allergies were kicking his ass and he just was not running on much physical or mental energy) and i was sitting there mentally doing damage control while my body reacted as if i was continuing to spiral. it just felt so stupid sitting there thinking "none of this is real and also even if him being distant this weekend DID mean something it's not like i wouldn't be mostly fine lol" while trembling uncontrollably. anyway this morning he was so sweet to me (esp after i mentioned i couldn't sleep bc my nerves were going crazy over everything with my friend) and when he dropped me off for the train he hugged me so tight and kissed me and said he was sorry he'd been so distant (i didn't mention my dream to him and i also wasn't actually bothered by him being distant in any real way so i didnt mention it either, he did this of his own accord) and looked like he might cry and idk man it just gripped my heart in such a way. i thanked him for always being so sweet to me and theres no way he can know just how much i mean that. i hate that any part of me is suspicious of his kindness and i resent the fact that these recent experiences are causing a kneejerk reaction of distrust that i cannot physically quell. at my core i try to always be trusting of other people's intentions and it sickens me that this is impacting my ability to be that way.

#like ive gotten quite good at doing mental damage control 90% of the time #theres still that 10% where the dam breaks because i need things to change desperately in that moment #but most of the time im good at it #the physical reactions though? havent figured out how to control those #like even 8 years later i still an as tense as a steel cable whenever i have sex with someone for the first time #because of what my ex did. and mentally i wont even be remotely nervous or stressed #but last night was just so crazy #it felt like i had a fucking fever #and one voice in my head was bouncing off the walls neurotic while the other was just saying 'who caaaaaares'

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themculibrary · 2 years ago

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Peter & Ned Friendship Masterlist

5 Times Ned Gave Peter His Sweatshirt (ao3) - red_to_black ned/peter T, 6k

Summary: Five times Ned Leeds gave Peter his sweatshirt, and one time Peter returned the favour.

(AKA Ned is a dork in love and Peter’s a mess but someone has to take care of him. That someone is Ned.)

5 Times Spider-Man Needed Help (ao3) - CivilBores, starsinyourveins T, 23k

Summary: …and the one time Peter Parker did.

A Better Friend (ao3) - friendofspiderman G, 591

Summary: Fictober Prompt #28 - "do I have to do everything here?"

---

When your best friend is Spider-Man, you get used to picking up the slack.

A Friend in N(e)ed (ao3) - bluhawk G, 471

Summary: My best friend asked me to write "some wholesome friendship between Spidey and Ned". How could I say no to that?

Ned comforts Peter after the post-credit scene of Far From Home.

A So-So Popsicle (ao3) - friendofspiderman G, 393

Summary: Fictober Day #21 - "this, this makes it all worth it"

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Ned tries to cheer up an injured Peter with Spider-Man popsicles.

I'll be there for you ('cause you're there for me too) (ao3) - Want_to_read234 G, 1k

Summary: Peter Parker and Ned Leeds would probably describe their friendship as friendship at first sight.

It may sound cheesy but it is what it is.

It’s not SELF pity (ao3) - ChocolateAndRedbull G, 1k

Summary: When Peter and Ned come down with the stomach flu, it’s up to MJ to look after her boys

It's The Great Big Christmas Tree, Mr. Stark! (ao3) - ciaconnaa T, 2k

Summary: Peter and Ned cut down a Christmas tree that's way too big. And they need Iron Man to take it.

Ned Leed’s field trip to Stark Industries (ao3) - Drake_DiAngelo G, 15k

Summary: Your generic Field Trip trope, but slightly different because it’s Ned centric and hopefully everyone stays in character.

Also, Peter is absolutely everywhere they go but they never quite manage to actually see him. (Or realize its him) They did see Spiderman though, so that’s nice.

Ned the Dumbwaiter (ao3) - whumphoarder G, 3k

Summary: Peter gets horribly sick on Halloween night and his very overwhelmed Guy In The Chair attempts to take care of him. But when both boys find themselves in over their heads, Tony takes over.

Not All Heroes Wear Masks (ao3) - MondayVibes G, 4k

Summary: Peter’s ears were still ringing and his limbs were still cramping uncontrollably when he finally—finally—spotted the poorly fitting catsuit and garish wig that he’d seen way too many times in the weeks leading up to HeroCon. Clumsily, he dropped from the façade of a half-ruined building and all but collapsed on the sidewalk next to Ned.

“Dude,” he gasped out, as Ned jumped, wide-eyed and wild-haired, at his sudden appearance. “I need your coat. That cheap Thor knock-off fried my webshooters I can’t get out of here before the cops show up.”

Across the street, a Tony Stark with a penciled-on goatee and a Goddess of Thunder were comforting a crying Iron Man. A Captain America was cautiously brushing off his ruined shield. In the distance, sirens were wailing.

And maybe Sparky’d fried Peter’s brain along with his suit, but the whole if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em was starting to sound like a really good idea right now.

Nothing Like the Movies (ao3) - friendofspiderman T, 1k

Summary: Fictober Prompt #2 - "you have no proof"

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Ned gets kidnapped and does not play it cool.

Poison Apple (ao3) - whumphoarder G, 5k

Summary: “I-I think something’s wrong with me.”

Ned gives a short laugh. “Pretty sure we established that when you puked in a corn maze. You’ve got like, food poisoning or something.”

Peter shakes his head. “No, not that.” He takes a few short breaths. “Chest feels weird. Kinda hard to breathe.”

the earth turns from sanity (ao3) - teafrqmes G, 846

Summary: Peter forgets that Ned is supposed to come over, which puts Ned in a position for some surprising realizations.

The Guy in the Chair (ao3) - whumphoarder T, 7k

Summary: Between having a reckless superhero for a best friend and dealing with his own family’s vast array of issues, Ned gets used to being everyone’s support system.

The Spider a Web (ao3) - friendlyneighborhoodsecretary G, 3k

Summary: Surprise identity reveals aren't easy for anyone. Not even for your friendly neighborhood Guy in the Chair. A perspective on the events following the FFH credit scene from Ned Leeds.

#themculibrary #mcu #marvel #peter parker #ned leeds #masterlists

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megiesposts · 3 years ago

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In Sickness And In Health

Sick! Poly! Mikaelsons headcannon

Notes: possibly platonic, possibly romantic. It isn’t really mentioned so however you take it. So a witch that wanted the Mikaelsons dead (but didn’t have a way to kill them) decided to curse them with an awful sickness that they had to live through, thankfully, they had their favorite human to take care of them /// reader is typically female (not really mentioned though) /// Finn is in his original vampire body in this /// also this is the Mikaelsons mansion from mystic halls //// EXTRA LONG

Pairings: Rebekah x reader, Kol x reader, Niklaus x reader, Elijah x reader, Finn x reader, Freya x reader

Theme: taking care of the sick Mikaelsons

Tw: fluff, blood drinking, mentions of vomiting, mentions of biting, sick people, caretaker/sick person dynamic, vampires

- Rebekah was the first to go down

- being the youngest when they originally turned, she was the weakest.

- she tried to function properly but she fell fast

- like from being completely fine one day to being borderline dead within two hours

- Freya was trying to find out what was wrong with her

- with no results besides it was cause by magic, she and Finn left to find some answers

- since none of them knew what to do with a sick person so they called the person Rebekah had very quickly started whining for, you

- you showed up and rebekah clung onto you any moment you let her

- she was incredibly weak, sweating uncontrollably, not able to sleep, and she was nauseous

- you thought you could handle it, including her hunger for both blood and human food

- she fed from your wrist when you tried to give her a blood bag

- Elijah was in the room at the moment and forced her off of you, making her whine more and reach out for you

- elijah healed you with some of his blood and apologized

- but rebekah always got her way, and it only took 30 mins for her head to be in your lap while you messed with her hair

- surprisingly, she knocked out pretty quickly because of this

- Before then, right around the time you arrived, kol started to feel off

- three more hours and now Kol was in his bed, calling for you also

- since rebekah was asleep, you thought you would be fine leaving her

- so now you were taking care of kol

- feeding him soups and finally giving in about letting him feed from you

- kol was a whining and dramatic little shit when he was at his best

- now at his worst - oh god

- he had actually started crying when you tried to leave and take care of the dishes he had created

- when you went back to comfort him, he had yanked you with what little strength he had left, and wrapped every limb around you, his head laying on your chest.

- Kol’s symptoms seemed to be more severe than Rebekah’s

- hot spells, trouble breathing, even more hunger for blood, crawling skin, and once again insomnia

- right when kol had yanked you down, rebekah had started calling for you, her voice strained and moving through the echos of the house

- as if right on time, klaus stumbled into the room, talking bout “hey love I think I’m getting sick too blah blah blah”

- you knew klaus was dramatic, but holy hell what just happened

- Klaus was the first of the three to start puking, his symptoms seemingly worse than the two younger siblings combined

- you had to resort to any measure possible

- so adult melatonin, but tripled, for both kol and rebekah

- Klaus was the clingiest so far

- he constantly was yanking you against him, but also asking for certain things at the same time

- his sick mind couldn’t comprehend the fact that he needed to let you go for most of these items

- now your back was against his chest as he whined against your shoulder blades ABIUT being hungry

- something you shouldn’t learned by now, how to differ the types of hungry between the two, blood hungry, and food hungry

- something you also should’ve learned, was that if a sick Mikaelson was hungry for blood within reach, they didn’t have the energy, strength, or awareness to resist

- he bit directly into your shoulder, his arms tightening around your waist as you tried to pull him off

- by the time you started feeling dizzy, elijah came into the room and yanked him off of you

- yet while he was making sure you could stand okay, he had turned his head to cough into his fist

- this was the first sign that elijah was going down too

- by the time you were tucking Elijah into his bed, after forcing him to change at least his pants with what little strength he had left, rebekah and kol had woken

- elijah told you to go care for them, allowing you to tap out for just a moment

- you got to rebekah first, granted her room was closer, but the first thing she did was grab your arm to feed

- Luckily for you, rebekah had stopped pretty quickly, unfortunately, she backed away to puke

- again lucky, you had her trash can next to the bed in case that happened (human habit)

- rebekah ended up rolling over and knocking out again, her face oddly pale, so you went to a very upset Kol

- kol was half off his bed, his covers pushed aside, his shirt a few feet away on the floor, and finally, he was curled over his trash can

- quickly moving to his bathroom, you wet a towel with cold water along with grabbing a dry one

- you pushed him back and placed the cold towel on his head, using the dry one to wipe the sweat of his chest

- his breathing had gotten worse, and he grabbed onto your hand to try and cuddle

- it took a minute to make you give in, as you needed to check on elijah, but you kneeled know the bed and allowed him to curl against you

- the insomnia seemed to leave him as he curled up in a ball, quickly falling asleep

- You had covered him back up with the bottom sheet on his bed, before slipping out to go see elijah

- bad news

- elijah had started hallucinating

- he was 100% convinced that you were a girl named tatiana or something

- you had remembered just a bit of rebekah saying something about her being the first love on his life, which did sting a bit then , even more now

- you had to try and get him to stop, using cold water and trying to get him to breathe more, but now his face was extremely white and he was sweating as much as kol as he hallucinated

- the next downfall was when Freya called you down the stairs with Finn, who was barely conscious, along with her cough

- you knew this would be your downfall, taking care of six blood hungry very sick vampires

- it only took four more hours for you to have the thought of just throwing yourself into the pool out back, but the lamp that flew past your head and shattered against the wall had brought you out of it

- Freyas magic had been affected by her sickness

- this was only one of many of the very throwable things the sick girl had in her room

- Finn was the worst

- when he got the chance, he drank directly from you neck, which was how you knew this wasn’t him anymore, I mean the guy hated being a vampire and drank specifically from blood bags for a reason he hated drinking from anything alive

- he was either borderline passed out, attempting to feed of any blood in your body, or vomiting all the blood he was drinking from you

- it was 12 more hours of revolving around room to room before rebekah got better

- she bounced back first of course, and it took the few hours you were away with her siblings to do so

- when you came back she was cleaning up your room, and the first thing that came out of her mouth was-

- “darling, you look horrendous.”

- you almost cried

- it was at this point when rebekah ushered you to the room she had stolen Nik’s credit card for, to make specifically for you

- she forced you into the shower and picked out clothing for you, before tending to her siblings, refusing to take any advice from you, basically stripping you herself to get you to shower

- rebekah was so worried about taking care of you that she wasn’t evening looking anywhere from the bags under your eyes and you looked half dead

- rebekah only came to check on you once, seeing you sleeping over the covers in the clothing she picked out for you, she went back to tending to her siblings, a task proved way harder than she had thought

- she had visited Nik first, the closest to your room, and he was immediately upset that she wasn’t you

- he had started calling out for you and rejecting everything rebekah tried to do for him

- this was a reaction elijah, kol, and Finn had too

- only Freya had excepted what little help that rebekah could give, but when hearing that you would be coming back to her, her magic started flying of the walls again, literally

- And for the remaining 12 hours the Rebekah had, that slowly had them picking themselves up one by one, they’d strength coming back

- when everyone was finally fed and up and running, they had all went out, picking out different thing to gift you to thank you

- kol and Klaus had denied that it was hard to take care of them

- Klaus had also denied the fact that he started crying and yelling when he found out you weren’t coming back to him, he believes it 100%, but it’s something he will deny to his grave, should that ever come

- when they got back, they were absolutely shocked at your state

- bite marks littering your arms, shoulders, and neck, bruising from being repeatedly grabbed and held onto

- nothing was left to the imagination with the fact that Rebekah had picked out a tank top and shorts

- elijah slowly walked up to you bed, gently rocking you to see if you were awake

- you only shifted in response, and elijah chose to (with the help of Finn) pull the blankets out from under you and tucked you in

I kinda wanna make a romantic part two with how they feel afterwards and how they individually react the the bites on you and things lmao

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jammyjams1910 · 2 years ago

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Emetophobia

Ship: Donald x Jamie

Key: ❤️=Donald 💛=Jamie "Slanted speech" =Thinking/thoughts

Cw: V0m1t1ng, panic attacks & anxiety, emetophobia (obviously)

(I'm not good at writing stories ok?? 😭 Don't judge me)

It was late at night that Friday, about 1am to be exact, and Donald was fast asleep while snuggled up in the covers; he was busy dreaming of the day he finally married his sweet little angel, Jamie. The lovely Caledonian was happily in dreamland while something was going on in the bathroom not that far from the bedroom.

His dreams were abruptly interrupted when he suddenly heard distressed sobs and wobbly breaths. His sleepy eyes slowly opened and he quickly realised that he's been on his own in the bed this whole time.

"Huh..? Where's Jammy..?" Donald thought to himself, until he heard the distressed sobs again, and it wasn't long before he recognised the sweet voice that he loves. He immediately jumped out of the bed and started wobbling to the bathroom; his legs were shaky since they've just been asleep, but that was the least of his concerns at this point; he can hear his sweetheart crying, and that's all he cares about now.

Donald slowly and gently opened the bathroom door to find Jamie on her knees by the toilet. They were right in front of it with their hand over their mouth, there was a gross orange looking substance in the bowl as well, in which he quickly realises that it's their puke. It was all coming together; judging from the substance in the toilet and Jamie's distressed crying on the floor, they must've felt sick and had to vomit while their pudding was fast asleep, and Donald knew how terrified they get when they're sick - especially when it results in vomiting.

Donald refused to just watch this happen; he didn't want to force Jamie to their feet, so he got down to their level and tried to comfort them at least a little.

"Sweetheart.. och fock.. why didn't ya wake me up..?" He said softly into their ear with a concerned tone. Jamie didn't even notice he was even there. They aggressively sniffed and turned their head to his direction.

".. Nienie-.. I-.." They couldn't finish their sentence but Donald didn't care, he just threw his arms around their weak fragile body and held them closely while they cry into their hand; Jamie was refusing to move their hand off of their mouth since they was so scared of vomiting again, but they knew it wasn't over yet, which made them feel even worse.

Suddenly Jamie started to gag once again which made them freak out even more, this signalled Donald to act fast. He quickly flushed away the vomit so neither of them had to look at it anymore, and he carefully got his angel to lean over the toilet bowl. Jamie was getting hysterical this point, so he kept holding them close to him.

"Shhh, it's ok.., yer gonna be ok, honey.."

Jamie's rapid and uncontrollable hyperventilating wasn't helping the situation at all.

"Shhhh.. deep breaths, sweetheart, deep breaths.. it'll be over soon" Donald was obviously very worried for his precious angel but his voice remained soft and reassuring. Jamie was getting tired from breathing so quickly and crying uncontrollably so they tried to do as he said. At this point Donald didn't care about how long they would be in that bathroom for, there's no way he'd just leave his angel during a time like this.

Jamie's gagging returned again so Donald grabbed their hand tightly as they leaned over the toilet bowl.

"It's alright, just let it out.." It didn't take time before Jamie did let it out, as they vomit again, they started squeezing Donald's hand hard enough to break his bones, but he couldn't care less even if his hand does break. After that round the puke was quickly flushed away and Donald was sweet enough to wipe their face clean and let her gargle a bit of cool water to rinse the taste out of their mouth. This whole time, tears were continuously falling from Jamie's red puffy eyes, and so Donald got an idea.

"Aye, lemme get some stuff, just.. wait a sec yeah?" Jamie didn't have the energy to say anything so they just nod weakly. Donald rushed to the bedroom and was there for about a minute.

He quickly returned with two pillows, a white fluffy blanket, both their phones, and a little plushie that he gave Jamie as a gift. Neither of them knew how long they're gonna be in the bathroom, so Donald decided to improvise.

After setting everything up, it was both of them leaning against the bath with their pillows against their backs, the blanket resting upon their laps, and Jamie was holding the plushie while still tearing. Donald then passed them their phone.

"So.. ya know when I asked earlier, why didn't ya wake me up..? Ya know I care aboot yer.. "

"C-Cos.. you.. *sigh* you were sleeping and.. I don't wanna disturb you.." As Jamie replied, Donald got to their level and wrapped his arms around them.

"Hey.. sweetheart.. yer the person I care the most aboot ya know.. I couldnae care less if I was asleep..-" He takes their hand

"-I'd rather nae sleep at all and can take care of ya, than stay asleep and leave ya alone while ya sufferin'.. and why? It's cos yer my sweet wee angel.. an' I love ya.." Jamie looked downwards in guilt, now wishing that they woke him up in the first place.

".. 'M sorry.. ok? Sorry.."

"Nae nae, dinnae be sorry.. I'm nae tryna tell ya off or anythin'." He cups their wet face gently and his voice became even more soft and sweet.

"I just want ya to know how much I love and care aboot ya, kay..? Ya haven't done anythin' wrong.." He gives them a gentle forehead kiss and smiles softly.

"Teh, d'ya know how adorable yer are?" Donald knew full well that his charming nature is one of Jamie's biggest weaknesses, which is very true because Jamie was now blushing brightly.

"Ya wanna text yer mum? Maybe she can help ya feel better, even if its a wee bit."

".. She's not gonna be online.." This reminded Donald that it was in fact now 2:14 am, so of course Jamie's mum would be asleep.

".. Hm, fair." Jamie was watching Daz Games, their favourite youtuber, play Depth 6 when Donald thought of a question to distract them.

"Aye, why d'ya sometimes call me "Nienie"? Whit 'sit mean?"

".. It's from the "nie" part in "Donnie", y'know.. Donnie, Nienie? I.. thought it was cute.."

"Hehe, creative as usual." Of course Donald was gonna charm Jamie again.

"Och-!" He quickly realises something and leaves the bathroom to get something from the kitchen, but leaves the bathroom door open so Jamie can still see him. After no less than a minute, Donald returns and sits down next to them while holding a glass of water with two small-sized ice cubes floating on top. Jamie could tell what his intentions were, so they just look downwards at their phone.

"*sigh* I know it sucks, mo leannan but.. will ya at least try to keep drinkin'? ..Just some wee sips? For mee..?" Donnie hoped that his innocent act would somehow persuade Jamie, but it wasn't that easy for them. He wiped away their pitiful tears and kept them close.

.........

4:46am

Hours passed by just like that, and after more dreaded vomiting, tears, panic attacks, reassurance, flushing and tiny tiny sips of water, Jamie finally fell asleep in Donald's arms; they were absolutely exhausted after having to deal with one of their worst fears for hours.

"Och.. it's finally over... *sigh* ma poor wee angel.." Donald decided it was finally time for bed, he bridal carried Jamie back to the bed, laid them on their left side, and quickly returned everything else; the pillows back under their heads, the fluffy blanket sloppily tossed over the covers, phones on charge, and he let his angel keep the little plushie. Also, he made sure to replace the melted ice cubes with new ones in the glass of water.

Donald so desperately wanted to give Jamie one of his cheeky squeeze cuddles, but he knows that they're still weak and recovering, so he gently lays his right arm over them and kisses their delicate face before falling back into dreamland.

.......

9:35am

Morning came eventually, and Jamie was still asleep, but Donald was just glad that they were getting rest. He giggled to himself softly and was gently stroking their head for about a few minutes.

Eventually Jamie's sleepy eyes open slowly to the face of her pudding.

"Hey darlin', ya feelin' any better?"

"..Hmph.."

"Hmm.. do ya feel like yer gonna... you know.. again?" Jamie just shakes their head which made Donald feel a little better.

"Heh, I'm glad, do ya think ya can drink a wee bit again?" They shrugged, they really weren't sure, so Donald carefully placed the glass to their lips. Jamie was hesitating however.

"Hey.., dinnae worry, just tiny wee sip, ok?" Eventually Jamie made themselves suck it up again and took another tiny sip of water.

"There ya go" He continued as he moves the glass away. "Ya know, I'm really proud of ya; I know this is fockin scary for ya, but yer did really well. And.. I love ya.. so much, I hope ya never forget that."

"I.. mph.. love you, too.." Jamie replied while blushing; they may not be the best at speaking clearly, but its not like Donald ever minded at all. They went into each other's arms and spent another hour cuddling, slowly drifting away from reality and everything.

End

#ttte #thomas and friends #thomas the tank engine #ttte donald #ttte jamie💛#self ship comfort #ttte fanfic #tw: emetophobia #emetophobia #my story #my fanfiction #my fanfic writing #self ship fanfiction #self shipping #ttte humanised #ttte humanized #ttte humanisation #ttte human au #ttte human

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soramei · 4 years ago

Text

From Resentment (hhj)

Pairing: Hyunjin x Reader (she/her)

Summary: After a fated meeting involving a cute and fluffy puppy, you found yourself drawn to Hwang Hyunjin: the school prince. Everybody in high school loved him. It was hard not to. Not only was he rich, smart, and athletic, but he was also incredibly kind-hearted.

However, one day seemingly out of the blue, everything that you thought Hyunjin was came crashing down.

Now a freshman in university, you were excited to live out your dreams. That was, until Hyunjin came hurtling back into your life like an uncontrolled meteor. His presence threw a curveball on all your plans, and would eventually change your perspective on everything that you thought you knew.

Genre: studentl!hyunjin au, angst, enemies to lovers

Warnings: cursing, tw puking

Word Count: 8.8k

Masterlist

A/N: Not an Intentional update but a hyunjin oneshot!! disclaimer: no aspect of hyunjins personality here was drawn from real life — irl hyunjin is a ray of sunshine <3

You looked at your math homework, proud that you got all the answers correct. Since it was a slow afternoon at your job today, you had extra time to focus on your homework. The boss at the convenience store you worked at allowed you to have your homework out, as long as it was hidden behind the cash register.

As you stared at the rest of your homework, you started to feel the weight of tenth grade pile up on you. Because it was your first year of high school, you were still trying to adjust to everything; your grades, your teachers, and all the new students walking around the halls.

You stuffed the rest of your homework in your backpack. It was the end of your shift, and you wanted to go home as soon as possible to start with the rest of your studying. Crap. No matter how hard you tried to zip up your backpack, it wouldn’t close. After trying one more time, the zipper tore from your backpack.

You cursed under your breath. You couldn’t afford to buy a new backpack right now.

You had just been able to afford your new school uniform by taking up extra shifts at the convenience store, and you still needed money for your grandmother’s prescriptions. You sighed, annoyed to have another monetary stressor weighing on your shoulders.

Walking outside with your now torn backpack, your eyes widened at the group of boys in front of you. You immediately recognized them from behind.

The school princes. These three seniors were all known for three things: being extremely smart, handsome, and talented.

On the left was Seungmin, and from what you’ve heard, he was the smart and quiet one. He was always helping the teachers, being the class president and all. Any time a girl or a boy needed academic help, Seungmin was there and happy to assist.

The person on the right was Jisung. With his charming and charismatic personality, he had dated tens upon tens of girls in his grade. Just in the last year. It helped that he was really good looking — and also stinkin’ rich. His father was a notorious restaurateur, and with him being the first son, he was basically given unlimited spending rights.

The only person richer than Jisung was the boy in the center of them both: Hwang Hyunjin. This boy was the school prince. The prince of princes. He somehow managed to participate in music clubs, engage in study groups, and captain the soccer team all the while keeping up excellent grades. Every girl that Jisung had dated was said to have been rejected by Hyunjin first. That was his only flaw: he was notoriously cold to any and all romantic confessions.

You followed behind the three princes, staring at your torn up sneakers. You knew you didn’t exist in their world, but even being near three handsome and rich teenage boys made you nervous.

Suddenly, you heard a whimper coming from behind a bush to the left of you. It sounded like a hurt animal.

Worried and curious, you walked over to the bush to see what it was.

It was a puppy. Small and fluffy, it looked up at you with it’s beady black eyes and cried out. His paw was bleeding.

You panicked. Having never seen a hurt puppy before, you had no idea what to do. You called out for help.

“Help!” you cried, hoping that somebody had heard your call for help. You desperately wanted to help this hurt puppy, but you hesitated to touch it, afraid that you would hurt the animal even more.

The puppy howled in pain, making your panic rise. You were about to call out for help again, when you heard somebody running up behind you.

“What is it?” The voice asked.

“I-I don’t know. I just saw this dog here, and-and his paw is bleeding,” you anxiously stuttered.

“Here, let me take a look.”

You heard the voice behind you, so you shuffled over to make room.

It was Hwang Hyunjin. The person that responded to your cry for help was the most popular and well-liked person in the school. You were shocked, a bit intimidated actually, so you silently moved to the side for him. His black hair shone in the sunlight as he bent down to examine the dog.

“Come here, boy,” he chirped. The puppy listened, and started limping to him. “Something hurt you, didn’t it.”

He stood up, picking the puppy up along with him.

“C’mon,” he gestured with his head, “my vet isn’t too far from here actually. We can make it by walking.”

You silently nodded and followed him.

He was right. The walk to the veterinarian clinic, though very awkward, wasn’t too far. The clinic was empty at this time of day, with the receptionist being the only person in the room.

“Hyunjin! Always a pleasure,” the receptionist beamed. It seemed like Hyunjin’s likeability wasn’t only confined to your school. “My, what do we have here?”

“There’s something wrong with his paw,” Hyunjin tried to show the receptionist where the blood was coming from, “is the doctor free right now?”

“As a matter of fact, he is,” the receptionist said whilst checking the schedule. “I’ll take this little boy to the back where he can get prepped for the veterinarian.”

Hyunjin handed the puppy carefully to the receptionist. The receptionist took out a crate for the dog, put him in, and then disappeared through the back door. The two of you were now left alone in the waiting room.

“Uhm,” you coughed, “thank you. I know you probably want to get back to your friends, so you can leave now.”

“No, I’ll stay,” he looked at you and smiled, “those idiots are just playing LOL at the PC room anyways. Plus, I want to see how this little boy turns out.”

You smiled back at him, nodding your head. A few moments of awkward silence passed.

“I’m Hyunjin by the way,” he said.

“I know. I’m Y/n.”

“You’re in your first year, right?” he said, looking at the colour of your uniform.

“Yeah, it’s so hard to get used to though. I’m trying my best with my homework, but I think this school stuff just doesn’t click with me,” you rambled.

“Oh?”

“I want to go into dance. I’ve never been able to afford professional lessons, but I’ve always wanted to go to university for dance. My grandparents said they would let me if my school grades were high.” You didn’t know why you were giving your life story to Hyunjin. He just had this natural charisma that made you want to spill everything to him. It was the way he looked at you with those cat-like eyes.

“I know what you mean. It took me forever to convince my parents for me to major in dance. I got in by early admittance, but I’m sure they still have their reservations about my major.”

“You’re majoring in dance?” you asked, eyes wide.

He smiled. “I’ve loved dancing ever since I could remember. It’s my passion, and truthfully, the only thing I’ve got going for me.”

You were shocked. At school, Hyunjin was known for so many things other than dancing. Hell, you didn’t even know he enjoyed dancing and you thought you’d heard everything about him already.

The two of you chatted for a while longer before the vet came out with the now happy looking dog.

“It seemed like this little guy got into a fight with something, and he got a pretty large gash on his paw. Luckily, it wasn’t bleeding too much so I just gave him some anaesthetic and stitched it right up.”

You sighed in relief. “Thank god he isn’t too hurt.”

“Yes, it’s good that it wasn’t too bad,” the veterinarian agreed. “I’m assuming this is your dog? As soon as you finish with the bill, I can release this little guy and the both of you are ready to go.”

Oh yeah. The bill.

Although you knew you couldn’t afford to pay the vet bill, you didn’t know where this little dog would go if you couldn’t take him home. You did the mental calculations, and if you worked some extra shifts, you could probably be able to pick up the bill today. Buying a new backpack could be saved for another day.

“Sure, where can I pay?” you asked.

“Just over by the receptionist.” The veterinarian pointed.

You walked over to the receptionist, and she handed the bill over to you.

You almost fainted.

Just the anaesthetic and the stitches alone cost over two hundred dollars. This was extremely over your budget, and probably even more than the amount in your savings. You felt uneasy.

“Uhm, actually, I don’t think I can-”

“Do you take cash?”

Hyunjin had interrupted you, walked up to the receptionist, and pulled out his wallet. He peaked over your shoulder and took out a huge wad of cash to hand to the receptionist.

“Hyunjin, you don’t have to,” you begged. You felt bad that this guy you didn’t even know had just offered to cover you for over two hundred dollars.

“Think of it as a good luck gift from a fellow dancer.” He smiled.

That was when it clicked. You didn’t know what clicked, but it just did. It was his smile. It was the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up and how the corners of his lips pinched at the end. You now understood why all the girls at school were in love with him. He was quite literally perfect.

You thanked him profusely, even after the two of you had left the clinic. With the dog in your hand, you walked side by side with Hyunjin.

“So,” he started, “have you thought of a name for this guy yet?”

Oh yeah — he was your dog now. “Hmm, I don’t know yet.”

“What about Coco?”

“Coco?”

“Yeah, let’s see if he likes it.” Hyunjin leaned in and cooed at the little puppy. “Hi, little Coco!”

The puppy’s eyes lit up, and with his tongue stretched out, he started panting.

“I guess he likes it,” Hyunjin smiled. God, his smile could melt all of Antarctica.

“Coco it is.” You poked at Coco’s nose.

Hyunjin was about to say something back to you when his phone buzzed. He took a peak, rolled his eyes, then smiled. “My friends are god awful at games. I swear, they can’t even win one round without me. You’re okay with going home alone?”

He was going to walk you home? Could he be any more perfect?

You nodded your head. “Thank you, Hyunjin. I’ll pay you back for the bill one day.”

“No need,” he winked. “Like I said, it’s a good luck gift. Oh, and you can ask me if you need help with any school work. Anything to help a fellow dancer.”

He waved goodbye, then went running off in the other direction. You held Coco close to you, heart pounding. Although you didn’t want to be like all the other girls who fell for him, you felt like you were already falling for Hyunjin.

The next day, you had planned to go shopping for dog supplies after school. After a really long and arduous debate with yourself, you decided to sacrifice all of your savings in order to buy everything that Coco needed. You knew Hyunjin owned a dog himself, so throughout the whole day, you worked up the nerve to ask Hyunjin to come with you.

At the end of last period, you gathered all your stuff from your desk and headed to the soccer field where you knew Hyunjin and his friends would be. Whilst you crossed the field, you noticed Jisung staring at you. You found his stare intimidating, but you tried to brush it off. He then whispered something in Hyunjin’s ear.

“Hi, Hyunjin,” you said anxiously, biting your lip. “Umm, do you want to come with me to shop for Coco?”

He stared at you for a couple seconds, then, a look of disgust appeared on his face. “Why? So you can use my wallet again?”

You stared back at him, wide eyed. Who was this person? It wasn’t the Hyunjin that so graciously helped you out yesterday.

“W-what? No!” you exclaimed. “I-I just wanted your opinion…”

“Sure,” Hyunjin smirked coldly, “opinion my ass.”

“Hyunjin,” tears were pooling in your eyes, “I don’t understand.”

“If you need money so much, here.” He reached in his pocket and turned up a wad of cash, throwing it at your feet. “Just don’t come to me next time. And buy yourself a new pair of shoes while you’re at it.”

You looked down at the money, trying to hold back your tears. Why was Hyunjin being like this? You didn’t understand. His two jockeys beside him didn’t even bother to stop him. As you tried to stop yourself from crying, you felt your sadness turn into rage.

“I don’t need your stupid money,” you said, kicking the cash back to him. “Maybe you can use your daddy’s money to buy yourself a new personality.”

Hyunjin’s two friends tried to hold back their snickers at your words. Hyunjin heard, turned around, and gave them both death stares.

You didn’t bother to listen to whatever he was going to say next and simply stomped away, rage burning inside you. Everything about him was a lie. His charming and charismatic personality, his generosity, his kindness. They were all lies. He really was nothing but a rich, spoiled boy living with his father’s money.

There was rage behind every step you took. Wiping away your tears, you headed to your locker. You didn’t need him anyways; it was better to realize his true personality earlier rather than later. Hands shaking from anger, you dialed the combination to your locker.

“Hey, sorry about what happened earlier.” A voice came from behind you. “He can be a real jerk sometimes.”

It was Jisung. You rolled your eyes. You didn’t want to see him either.

“Why didn’t you do anything about it then?” Your voice came out shaky. It was obvious that you had cried.

“Once he starts, there’s no stopping him. It’s usually better to let him finish uninterrupted, or else he will get more mad.”

“Oh,” you said. Your hatred for Hyunjin grew even more.

“I could come with you, though. I don’t know much about dogs, but I can help you carry your bags.”

“I don’t know…”

“C’mon, no way you can carry everything by yourself.”

You hesitated. “Okay, I guess.”

And so, you left for the pet store with Jisung, still confused about everything that had happened. It was strange with him. He was nice and cracked a joke every now and then, but it was just different from being with Hyunjin. At least he was nice, you thought.

Your trip went well. You managed to buy everything you needed for Coco. In a turn of events, Jisung had actually come in handy as he offered to carry the huge bag of dog food you bought. He even offered to buy you a coffee.

“Thanks for all your help, Jisung.” You stood outside the door of your apartment, smiling at him.

“No problem, gives me an excuse to work out my guns.” He pretended to flex his arms.

You choked back a laugh.

“You should get going now. It’s late,” you said.

“Alright,” he started to leave. “Hey, if you see me in the halls, feel free to say hi.”

You nodded and waved to him as he turned and walked away, remembering his words. Every time you saw Jisung in the school hallways, you gave him a small wave in which he happily returned. However, whenever you saw him walking with Hyunjin, you made sure to purposely avoid them. You didn’t want any negativity in your life.

You kept up the waves, and soon, waves turned to small conversations which soon turned to flirting. By the end of the semester, you and Jisung somehow ended up as a couple. Jisung was polite and sweet, unlike a certain person. With every free moment you had, you hung out with Jisung — all the while avoiding Hyunjin.

The two of you stayed a couple for the rest of Jisung’s senior year. Somehow, the two of you had even kept up your relationship throughout your whole high school experience. It was hard at times as he went to university, but with a lot of effort, you had made your relationship work out. You barely had time to talk with him, but you enjoyed the little time that you did have. Jisung had never even once mentioned Hyunjin when you were together, and with time, you had totally forgotten about that jerk. You weren’t even sure if they were still friends.

You worked hard in school and reaped all the benefits. Your rank had consistently been in the top twenties amongst all the other students, and you even had time to practice your dancing. You remembered the day that you received your acceptance letter from university. Hands shaking, you had barely managed to open the letter all the way before you screamed. You had gotten into university with your dream major: dance.

Because of your excellent grades, you were able to pay a lot of your tuition with scholarship money alone. You hesitantly decided to quit your job at the convenience store to focus on university. Although quitting meant that your bank account would take a big hit, you decided that it would be best in the long run. There was a lot in your savings, and you even had a little extra to buy a new outfit for your first day of school.

Jisung had been busy on the first day of university. He had previously promised to show you around campus, but with him being a no-show, you wandered around by yourself to try to find your classes. You had trouble with the campus map at first, but after walking around for a bit, you were able to find all your classes with ease.

Your first few classes were a snore. Because they were all theory, you had to down two cups of coffee in order to stay awake. Somehow, you managed to take coherent notes despite being bored out of your mind. You just wanted to dance.

The good thing was, after sitting through many classes, your time to dance finally came. Your last class of the day was an introduction to dance course, and you couldn’t wait to go. You wanted to know your teacher, your peers, and most importantly, express yourself.

The dance class was in a studio in the university’s fitness center. It was huge, way bigger than the tiny gym in your high school. Upon entering the studio, you were immediately met with the sight of students, exactly like you, already stretching. You chose a spot in the room and started stretching as well, making good use of your time before the instructor comes in.

After some time, most of the students — including you — had finished stretching and were sitting in silence waiting for the instructor. The door swung open, breaking the silence. The instructor had come in.

“Hello new students,” he said, “welcome to Dance 100. Today, I will go through the curriculum with you as well as introduce your final project.”

The instructor whipped out a projection of the curriculum and started explaining the purpose of the course, what you would be graded on, and how you would be graded. He then read through his class expectations before moving to your final project.

“This final project will act in place of a final exam,” he explained. “You will be required to create a dance that includes everything we’ve learned in class and write an essay explaining all the elements in your dance. It will be worth half your grade.”

The class gasped in surprise. Not only did this project sound extremely difficult for a first year course, but the fact that it was worth half your grade made it borderline unfair.

“I know it might seem difficult, but worry not, you won’t be doing this alone. Every year, the first year dance students get mentored by the third year dance students for the final project. Each student has already been assigned a random mentor which will be introduced this class.”

The whole class murmured, talking amongst themselves and expressing their opinions on this project. It was definitely an interesting project. You hoped that you would be paired with a good mentor that would actually care about how well you did.

There was a knock on the door.

“Ah, this must be them.” Your instructor opened the door and a wave of third years came flooding in. Each one of them had a name tag pinned on their shirts. “Class, these are the third year students.”

You all politely greeted them.

“Now,” the instructor continued, “I will put the class list on the projector, and each of your names will correspond to a third year mentor.”

The instructor put out the list for display. You scanned down the list of names, eventually finding yours. Following the dots to your corresponding mentor, you almost choked on air when you saw yours.

It was Hwang Hyunjin.

You were at a loss for words. Just when you thought he was out of your life forever, the man that was so incredibly mean to you — the man you hated with your whole soul — was now your mentor. Just the thought of being in the same room as him filled you with disgust.

You scanned the sea of third year students, and your eyes immediately found him. He was staring back at you with the same shocked expression that you had on.

He looked different. Not only had he grown taller, but he had lost all his baby fat as well. His hair was different too. It was bleached blond and it almost hit his shoulders. What was the same, however, was his intense stare and his plump lips.

You walked over to him.

“You look different.” His eyes scanned up and down.

“So do you.” You clenched your jaw and sighed. “I guess we have to work together.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said flatly.

“Listen,” you copied his tone, “I’m not excited about this either, but I want to get a good grade for this class. If you don’t wanna help me, just say so and I’ll just work alone on this.”

“Don’t be stupid,” he rolled his eyes, “this is part of my grade too. I can’t let you fuck this up for the both of us.”

You rolled your eyes back at him and pressed your lips in a thin line. Ignoring what he said, you asked, “where do we start?”

“Let’s find a time to meet every week.” He pulled out the newest iPad model from his bag. Of course he would have the newest iPad. “I’m busy every day except Saturday, so let’s meet then.”

Way to consider your opinion. He was lucky that you weren’t busy on the weekends.

As Hyunjin worked on sorting his schedule, you took your time to look at how he had changed. With his hair blonde, he looked like a completely different person. You didn’t understand why he kept his hair long though. It kept falling in his eyes.

“Stop staring at me. It’s freaking me out.” He narrowed his eyes at you.

“I wasn’t.” You crossed your arms, defending yourself.

“Whatever.” He tucked his hair behind his ear and put his iPad back in his bag. “Don’t be late on Saturday.”

And with that, he left. You looked around the class. Most of the other students were still with their mentors, presumably getting to know each other and discussing the project. You almost wanted to ask your instructor to switch with somebody else, but that would mean passing on the nightmare known as Hwang Hyunjin onto a perfectly innocent person. You had your moments, but you weren’t evil.

The interaction with Hyunjin had left you in a sour mood for the rest of the day. You tried to study, but you were too distracted by the thought of having to work with that monstrosity for a whole semester. It was worth so much of your grade, too. You had just hoped that Hyunjin was as good at dance as he previously told you. You remembered him saying how dance was his passion in life. That was when you still liked him. Who knows, maybe he only said that so he could play you like every other girl he played with.

For the rest of the week, whenever you thought of the dance project, you were filled with dread. You tried to ignore it, and sometimes it worked, but most of the time it kept reappearing in your mind like a virus. The way Hyunjin had infected your mind bothered you to no end.

Time passed fast though, and before you knew it, Saturday had already come. Searching through your closet, you picked out a simple outfit for practice today. You slid on your tattered old sneakers and headed off to the studio that Hyunjin had told you to go to.

Entering the dance studio, you noticed that you were right on time. However, Hyunjin was not. Great… He made such a big deal over you being on time that he himself forgot to be punctual. You sat on the wood floors and started to do some stretches to warm up.

Eventually, after you finished your stretching, he entered the studio. With a girl. Holding a textbook, Hyunjin handed it to the girl and put on his signature deceitful smile. His ugly, perfect smile. The girl batted her eyes and waved her fingers goodbye before strolling out the door. You rolled your eyes at this, feeling bad for the girl. Hyunjin was playing her right in front of her own eyes and she didn’t even realize it.

“Were you really late because of a girl?” you sneered.

“Why do you care?” he retorted, flinging his bag to the corner of the room.

“I don’t.”

“Sure you don’t.”

Not wanting to waste time with that childish banter, you decided to end the conversation then and there. “Okay, well anyways, I’ll show you what I learned in class this week.”

Hooking up your phone to the speaker, you chose the song that you’ve been practicing with for the whole week. As the song progressed, you found it hard to not get lost in the music. Just dancing was the easy part; incorporating everything learned in class was another story. Although it was fairly difficult, you thought you executed everything very well as the song came to an end. Finishing up, you panted from exhaustion and looked at Hyunjin for his comments.

He stood, with his arms crossed across his torso, leaning against the speaker. There was a blank expression on his face.

“Not bad.” He started to walk up to you.

“But?”

“But you’re too stiff. You’re too focused on perfectly executing the technical moves that you forget to just move your body. Do what you did half-way through the song again.”

You turned the music on, trying to do the dance with Hyunjin’s criticisms in mind. Looking in the mirror, you did your best to show as much emotion as possible, all the while moving more fluidly. The room was filled with heavy bass and the squeaks from your sneakers.

Suddenly, the music was abruptly cut off.

Hyunjin had stopped the music and was making his way over, face still unreadable.

“You’re still trying too hard and it shows.” Hyunjin shook his head.

Clenching your jaw, you did your best to hold back your anger. Were you just not supposed to try? This annoyed you. Just because he didn’t need to try to be good at anything didn’t mean you couldn’t.

“Well,” you tried to say calmly, “how can I do this then?”

“You have to relax.” He put one hand on your hip and started to guide you. “Don’t focus on each individual aspect, but try to imagine everything as a whole. Then, things will come naturally.”

You followed his hand, allowing Hyunjin to guide you to his own rhythm. After a while, every movement felt so fluid and you didn’t even notice that your face started to match your movements. Glancing at your reflection, you gasped, noticing how different your dancing looked. You whipped your head to face Hyunjin, the two of your inches apart and breathing heavily.

“See,” he mumbled, looking down at you. “Once you stop thinking, everything just comes naturally.”

You looked back at the person inches away from you. It almost felt as if he was being kind. But you knew the type of person he was. You weren’t going to let this happen again. Snapping out of what weird trance you were in, you pushed him away in an act of self perseverance.

He didn’t say anything.

“I’ll try again,” you said.

Hyunjin strolled over to the speaker and turned on the music. This time, you didn’t think about anything you learned in class or Hyunjin’s criticisms. You just trusted in your body. Everything else was blank.

Taking a step forward while still in your trance, your shoe lost its grip on the floor, causing you to fall right on your knee. You cried in pain, holding on to your knee.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin hissed. He ran over and bent down to your level. “Can you move it?”

“I think so.” You tried to straighten your knee. It hurt, but you were still able to do it. There would most likely be a nasty bruise there the next morning.

“You’re still wearing those scraps that you call shoes? They’re literally coming apart at the seams. This is going to happen again if you don’t get new ones.”

You blushed in embarrassment from his remarks. “I’m not going to spend money on things that I don’t need.”

“Well, you need shoes. Just go buy a new pair later.”

Was he being serious? Or was he just spoiled?

“Hyunjin, not everybody can just go spend money whenever they want,” you loudly sighed. “Unlike you, I need to consider my budget for most things.”

“Well, why can’t you ask your boyfriend to buy it?” he sneered. “Seems like you’re good at doing that.”

How did he know you were still dating Jisung? What did he mean by ‘good at doing that’?

“What?” You crossed your eyebrows. “Do you think I’m with him just for his money? Do I really look like that kind of person to you?”

“You used me for my money,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What?” You couldn’t hear him right.

“Nevermind, rehearsal's over.” He stomped off, leaving you alone in the practice room holding on to your injured knee.

You busied yourself with everything and anything you could do over the weekend in order to forget what happened during rehearsal. However, no matter how hard you tried to forget, Hyunjin’s comments on your shoes stuck in your mind like glue.

During your shift at your job, you couldn’t help but keep staring at your worn sneakers. You never paid attention to your shoes before until now. They did the job, so why would you need to buy a new pair? Still, you unconsciously paid attention to every step you took.

On Monday’s dance class, you decided to go early. It was always nice to warm up in a room with other try-hards. They felt less judgemental than the others.

The studio barely had anybody in it this early before class. Everybody was either stretching or had already started going over what was taught last week. Shuffling your way over to your locker, you couldn’t help but compare everybody else’s shoes to your own. You’ve never cared about trivial matters such as shoes, but you couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious as your worn-in sneakers squeaked its way over to the lockers.

Opening your locker, your eyes widened, shocked at what you saw. Inside was a box containing a brand new pair of sneakers. It was an expensive brand as well, a brand that you never thought you would be touching in your life. You turned your head around, scanning the room. Everybody seemed to have been busy with their own thing.

Did somebody put these in your locker by mistake?

Taking the shoes out, you noticed a small slip of paper fly out. You picked up the note.

Keep these. I was a jerk.

You knew who had sent this. It was Hyunjin. You didn’t know what game he was trying to play at, but you weren’t going to fall for it like you did that day in high school. Gingerly putting the shoes back in your locker, you decided to return these back to Hyunjin at your next practice.

“No, I gave them to you as a gift.” Hyunjin turned his nose up at you, refusing to take back the shoes.

“Why would you give these to me if you think that I only use people for their money?”

“Because,” he rolled his eyes, “if you’re unable to dance then my grade is screwed as well.”

He made a good point, but you were stubborn. “Still…”

“You know what? Keep it, give it away, sell it, I don’t care. Let’s just start practice.”

After that dance practice, you threw your old shoes in the trash.

It was midterm season a month into school. You thought you had gone to hell and back with high school, but this was even worse. Each day consisted of waking up, studying, and going back to sleep. You lived on coffee and toast. It wasn’t much, but it gave you the energy to sit at the library for hours to study.

You didn’t see anybody during the midterm season, Instead, you chose to hermit yourself up at the library for days on end. This meant that, at least for a couple of weeks, your dance practice with Hyunjin was put on hiatus. Not that he minded, of course. He happily deleted the practices from his schedule.

You also didn’t see much of your boyfriend, Jisung. Ever since school started, he seemed to always be missing in action. He would almost never have time to be with you, and with the few moments that he was, it seemed like he was always so apathetic towards you. You brushed this off as stress though, as you finally knew what it was like to experience university exams.

It was a clear and sunny day on the morning you finished your last midterm. Leaving the exam room, you looked up to the sky, basking in the sun. Today was going to be a good day. Not only were you now stress free, but you were also invited to an end-of-midterm party for your dance class tonight. You had never gone to a university party before, so when a classmate asked if you wanted to go, you eagerly accepted.

Wrapping up your dance class, you stood at your locker, gathering the rest of your stuff.

“Hey.” An arm wrapped around you.

“Hey, Jisung.” You smiled, turning around to face him.

“You’re done all your midterms?”

“Yup.” You nodded happily.

He took a look at your shoes.

“New shoes?”

You hesitated in answering his question, not knowing where Jisung was with Hyunjin in terms of friendship. It was better to be truthful now rather than apologizing later.

“Hyunjin gave it to me.” You looked down, fiddling with your fingers. Why were you afraid of Jisung’s response?

“Wait, what? Hwang Hyunjin? Like from high school? Y/n, I thought you hated him.”

“I did! And I do,” you tried to explain, “but he had a reason to give me this.”

“Bullshit, Y/n. You’re really gonna believe any reason he pulls out of his ass? I thought you actually matured from high school.”

“Well, you would understand if you were around more often!” you yelled. You knew it was wrong to address other problems and blow this out of proportion, but you couldn’t think straight. Your mind was clouded with anger.

“What does this have to do with anything?” Jisung barked back. “What we’re talking about is how you, no matter how shitty of a person Hyunjin is, keep going back to him! Y/n, all that man does is take. He takes from you and he sure as hell takes everything from me. I won’t let that happen this time.”

When had he taken anything from you? All he had done was give.

“Jisung, let’s end this.”

“You’re right. Let’s cool down and talk later tonight.”

“No,” you shook your head, “I mean, let's end us.”

Jisung looked at you in disgust. “It’s Hyunjin, isn’t it?”

“No,” you vehemently denied, “Jisung, you never have time for me, and the little time we do have together you act like a different person. And now you’re being all possessive just because Hyunjin gave me a gift? I’m sorry, I just don’t see us recovering from this.”

“Fine, whatever.” Jisung turned around. “We’re done. But Y/n, don’t come running back to me when Hyunjin screws you over like he does with everybody.”

After Jisung left, you stomped your foot on the ground, tears pooling in your eyes. It was for the best — breaking up with him. For the past month, you hadn’t been happy with where your relationship was going, but this wasn’t the way you wanted to end an almost three year relationship.

Wiping away your tears, you tried to compose yourself before heading over to the pub. Jisung wasn’t worth the tears.

The walk to the pub wasn’t far as every establishment catered to students was a short walking distance from campus. For your entire walk over, you kept your head down so as to not receive looks from others. The headache from your cries and a blush of anger still lingered with you. Hopefully you’ll look somewhat normal by the time you reach the bar.

Checking your reflection once more in your phone camera, you fixed your hair a bit before going inside.

The bar was filled.

With students from both your dance class and the third year class, there was not an empty corner in sight. The music was loud, but the sounds of chatter coming from the students were louder. The place was dark, with the only source of light coming from very dim, bright blue LEDs.

It was surprising to see everybody in a different setting. You were used to the sight of your classmates being only in sweats and workout clothes, but now that they actually had time to get ready, everybody seemed like a completely different person.

You saw a few of your classmates wave at you, beckoning you over to where they were sitting. As soon as your butt landed on the chair, they spared no time to push a shot glass filled with clear liquor in front of you. You gladly took the drink, wanting to just let go and forget about everything that happened today. Holding back a cough, you scrunched your face as you felt the alcohol burn in your throat. It had been so long since the last time you drank.

After five you stopped counting. Partly because you knew you were going to drink more, but mostly because your head couldn’t even count to five anymore. Scrunching your eyes, you tried to focus on the blurry figure of your classmate complaining about her professor. Bored out of your mind as her mindless babble went on forever, your eyes started roaming around the bar. As your eyes wandered, you noticed somebody behind your classmate staring at you.

Hwang Hyunjin.

Even in your inebriated state of mind, you knew that it was Hyunjin. What other university student had the balls to bleach their whole head blonde? Your eyes met, and he ran a hand through his golden locks. Why do the most beautiful people harbour the most wretched personalities?

You tried to ignore his staring by focusing your attention back on your classmate, but eventually, you couldn’t help but glance back at him. He was still looking at you.

You saw a girl come up to him. She was the same girl that showed up with him on your first ever practice session. Because of the dimly lit bar and your drunken vision impairment, you had to really squint to make out what was going on. The girl, all smiley and giggly, put her hand on his shoulder, making Hyunjin break his eye contact with you. He smiled at the girl, mouthing words that were drowned out by the music. For some reason, this made you furious. Why was he so nice to everybody else but you? What had you ever done to him to make him hate you so much?

You kept your eyes on the girl, knowing full well that you shouldn’t have. You hated that — even on your night off, even when you had just broken up with your boyfriend — Hyunjin was still in your mind like an unkillable parasite. You hated the way he tucked his hair behind his ears. You hated how the corners of his eyes crinkled up when he smiled at her. You hated him.

You watched as she leaned in and whispered something in his ear, causing him to laugh. That was the last straw. In a drunken haze, you took your phone and bolted out the door, ignoring the concerns of all your classmates. Maybe it had been a mistake breaking up with Jisung. Maybe he really did know what was best for you.

Stumbling out onto the street, you tried to dial Jisung’s phone number. It proved to be too difficult of a task, however, as your drunken fingers could only tap on random numbers on the screen. You cried out of frustration.

“Y/n.”

The voice coming from behind you startled you, causing you to lose your grip on the phone. It dropped on the cement with a loud crack. Tears welled up in your eyes as you bent down to pick up your phone. There was a huge crack right down the middle of the screen.

“You cracked my phone,” you said, trying to keep your composure.

“So? It’s not like it’s worth much anyways. Just ask your boyfriend to buy you one.” Hyunjin’s evil eyes squinted down at you.

“Why are you still on about this? Hyunjin, I’ve never used anybody for money and I never will!” You couldn’t control the tears flowing down your face. “Plus, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I broke up with Jisung today.”

You didn’t know why you were spilling your guts to the last man in the world you would trust. Surely, it was the alcohol.

“Y/n.” His tone had completely changed. He almost looked — concerned?

“Whatever, Hyunjin,” you slurred. “Just leave me alone. You can go back to that girl and have your fun with her.”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t care.”

“Y/n, why do you care?” His tone got louder.

“I don’t!” you yelled at him. Your tears made everything even more blurry.

“Y/n! Tell me, why do you care?!” He spat back at you with just as much fury.

“Fuck you, Hyunjin. News flash, not everything in the world revolves around you and your rich and prestigious life. Maybe you wouldn’t be so toxic if you would just understand that.” You screamed at him through your sobs. “Also, I don’t know where you got this stupid story of my being a cash whore from, but I will say this one last time: I have worked for everything in my life and I have never and will never use anybody for their money.”

Hyunjin looked back at you, shocked. You stared back at him in disgust. Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, you stumbled down the street to look for a taxi. However, as you wobbled down the pavement, everything became even blurrier than before. You felt nauseous. You couldn’t control it anymore.

You threw up. All over the sidewalk. You couldn’t stop. Every time you thought that it was over, more and more came out. Your throat burned, and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

As you hurled out all the remains of today’s lunch, your hair was held back.

“Get away from me, Hyunjin,” you groaned. You didn’t want him to see you this weak.

“Who else is gonna take care of your drunk ass, idiot,” he mumbled.

That was the last thing you heard before everything went black.

It was a blinding white light that woke you up. You groaned, trying to block the light with your forearm. Cracking your neck, you tried to holster yourself up.

You were on a leather couch. Squinting, you surveyed the room you were in. It was clean, spacious. The floor was a white marble — there wasn’t a single speck of dust to be seen. Across from you was an incredibly wide TV with many game consoles scattered around it. You looked behind you. There was a large kitchen island illuminated by warm pendant lights. Sitting at the island, on his laptop, was Hyunjin.

“Wh-what happened to me?”

“You’re the worst fucking drinker I’ve ever seen, that’s what happened.”

You rolled your eyes.

Hyunjin ignored you, standing up and leaving for another room. Less than a minute later, he reappeared with a toothbrush and a roll of toothpaste.

“Go clean up. You look disgusting.”

You snatched the toothbrush from his hands. He pointed over to the bathroom and you trudged your way over. His bathroom was huge, almost bigger than your bedroom at home. You felt as if you were in a hotel.

“Your bathroom is huge.” After washing up, you felt not only cleaner, but more awake. “You’re really living the life with your family’s money, huh.”

Hyunjin sighed, slamming his laptop shut causing you to flinch. “Why, after everything, do you think I’m this rich, pretentious fuck?”

You rolled your eyes. Not this again. “Well, why do you still think I’m this money hungry monster?”

“You really wanna know why, Y/n? It’s because Jisung told me so. He was the one who told me that all those years ago.”

You were shocked. Jisung was the one who told him that? Your ex-boyfriend that you had loved and dated for almost three years? You didn’t want to believe it, you really didn’t, but there was this tiny whisper in the back of your mind telling you that it was true. He had a reason to — Jisung was always going on about how Hyunjin always took from him.

“But Y/n, I-” He stopped mid-sentence.

“You what, Hyunjin?”

He pressed his lips to yours, caressing the back of your head. You were shocked, but almost autonomously, your lips parted feeling the heat of his breath against yours. He pressed his body to yours, running his hand down your waist. His lips, the same lips responsible for his perfect smile, felt so soft against your own. You heard the thuds of his heartbeat as he held you closer.

You broke apart, gasping for breath. The realization of what you had done just hit you.

In a panic, you used your whole strength to push his body away from you. “I-I have to go.”

“Y/n, wait!” Hyunjin called.

You paid him no attention. Instead, you ran across the marble floors, hoisted the front door open, and sprinted out. Hoping that Hyunjin wasn’t following you, found your way outside and took a taxi home.

You sat in silence, trying to process what had just happened. You had just kissed Hyunjin. You had just kissed Hyunjin. Hands shaking, you grasped at the ends of your hair, trying to calm yourself down. Did that just happen?

You were more mad at yourself than at him. How could you have just kissed Hyunjin? You hated him. He was nothing but rude to you, never smiling and always accusing you of things that were clearly lies. He made you feel self conscious, nervous, and everything in between. You hated him.

But he was so sweet on that fateful day in high school. He gave you a new pair of shoes when you had slipped during practice, and he held your hair for you when you were drunk. His hair glistened in the sunlight, his smile made your heart race, and his lips ignited sparks of every colour in the rainbow in your chest.

You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated how fast you became infatuated with him on that day in high school, and no matter how much you tried to deny it, you hated that your feelings haven’t changed ever since. You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated that you loved him.

Curling up in your bed, there was no stopping the tears flowing down your face. You cried and cried upon this realization, and you remained this way for the rest of the day. The effect Hyunjin had on you was bigger than you ever expected, and you hated it.

At school, you tried to avoid as many people as possible. The kiss you had shared with Hyunjin was plaguing your mind, distracting you and igniting the fire that was your inner turmoil. Even the thought of Hyunjin put a strain in your heart. It was the way his breath fanned over your nose, gently tickling it like a bird’s feather and the soft silk of his blonde locks brushing up against your cheeks.

You shook your head, trying to erase any and every thought of that man. Walking to your locker, you were stopped in your tracks, the dam in your eyes starting to crack. You couldn’t do this today. You turned around to go somewhere else — anywhere else.

“Y/n, wait.”

You sniffed, wiped stray tears from your eyes, and picked up your pace.

“Y/n.” He grabbed your shoulder, turning you around to face him.

“Hyunjin, please, I can’t do this today.”

“Are you… Are you crying?” He touched your face, wiping your tears with his thumb. “Y/n, why are you crying?”

You shook your head. You were scared of what would happen if you opened your stupid mouth.

“Y/n, please.” Hyunjin begged. His voice was shaking. “Tell me why.”

You shook your head again.

“Y/n, please.” His voice cracked.

“Hyunjin,” you paused, taking a shaky breath, “it’s because I love you. I’ve loved you ever since the first moment you smiled at my pathetic ass. Even when you hurt me more than anyone has hurt me before… I never had a choice, Hyunjin. It’s always been you.”

You tore yourself away from Hyunjin, embarrassed to your core. That was the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done, but at least you had closure now.

“Y/n…”

“No, Hyunjin. You’ve torn me down and humiliated me enough already. What more could you possibly want?” You demanded, aware that everybody around you was staring.

“Y/n,” Hyunjin rasped, “It’s only ever been you. I’ve spent the last three years miserable knowing that you were with someone else. I’ve-I’ve never even been with another girl in the past three years. I know you have no reason to believe me because I was such an ass. I am such an ass. Y/n, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for projecting my insecurities on you, I’m sorry for accusing you of things I know you’ve never done, and I’m sorry for anything else I might have fucking done. Y/n, I love you. Please, I don’t fucking deserve it, but is there any way you could forgive me?”

You stared at Hyunjin’s bloodshot eyes, tears freely flowing down your cheeks, and before you could even think, you found yourself pressed against his lips. Your eyes closed, savouring the feeling of his soft lips touching your own. His wet cheek pressed against your own, and with a nudge of the nose, Hyunjin deepend the kiss with a raw passion in which you’ve never felt before.

You cradled his head, relishing in his silken blonde hair as you brushed your fingers through his locks. He sighed in response, his breath tickling against your cheek. You were fully aware that everyone on campus had seen both your messy confessions of love, but you didn’t care. All you could do was replay the moment that Hyunjin had said those words — those three tiny words — over and over in your head as you ran your fingers through his hair and kissed his soft, honey lips.

501 notes · View notes

folklorelise · 4 years ago

Text

Captain’s girlfriend taking care of the kids

PART 1: here

- Eren when his experiments fail

When you found out that Eren was a titan, you and Hange would talk about non-stop which would drive Levi crazy.

”Erwin agreed to my experiments!” Hange informed you one morning, really excited.

”Can I come please?”

”Levi’s the boss, gotta ask him.”

”He’ll say yes!” you cheered.

Hange brought you to the old survey corps headquarters which was where the experiments would take place. It was also where Levi’s squad where.

”Leviii!” you yelled happily.

”No.” Levi stated once you were beside him.

”What do you mean ‘no’?”

”I meant no you’re not supposed to be here. How did you even know about Eren?”

”Hange told me because I am their best friend! Please let me stay.” you begged him. To your luck, Levi loved you, so he agreed to it. ”But you stay behind me, I don’t want that titan touching you.”

You greeted Eren just before he went into the pit.

”Eren, you got this!”

”Thank you Y/N.” Eren answered nervously. ”You are going to be there?”

”Yes, I’ll there the whole time so don’t worry about it.”

But during the experiment Eren just couldn’t transform, no matter how hard he tried to bit his hand over and over again.

”We should stop, he’s obviously hurt.” you protested.

”It’s Hange call.” Levi explained while taking you far from Eren in case he would transform.

”Y/N! Come back please, Eren’s hands aren’t healing either.” Hange screamed.

You ran to Eren and started to put alcohol on his hand and bandage everything.

”Are you feeling alright Eren?” you asked.

”Why can’t I transform?”

But before you could say anything, Hange took Eren. Levi walked to you and took your hand in his.

”Don’t worry about him. He’s going to be fine, he’s a titan.”

”Yeah...”

That night, you brought Eren his food.

”I’m not really hungry.” Eren assured.

”You have to eat, you didn’t eat anything at lunch too so you have to now.” you said putting his tray on his bed. ”Don’t force me to feed you like I did with Jean.”

”Fine.” he laughed.

”It’s alright if you didn’t transform today.”

”I disappointed everyone! Squad leader Hange had so much faith in me and I did nothing.”

”Eren, honestly, it’s fine because you don’t know how this works. Trust me, you’re doing great.” you smiled.

”Y/N...”

”Yes?”

”I heard something earlier. Something about the Captain.”

”Oh? What about the Captain?”

”Hange said that the Captain and you are... you know.” Eren ranted.

Except for the squad leaders and the commander, no one knew Levi was in a relationship with you. You did not hide it but wouldn’t scream it on top of every roof either.

”No actually, I don’t.” you hesitated.

”Captain Levi and you are... intimate with each other.” Eren whispered the last part.

”Yeager!” Levi yelled from outside the cell startling both Eren and you.

”Captain Levi!” Eren saluted him, spilling his soup on his bed.

”Clean that mess. Y/N, Hange is asking for you.” Levi waited for you to leave before talking to Eren, ”I didn’t know you were into gossip.”

”I’m not sir, Captain, sir. I apologise!”

Levi did not say another word and left Eren alone so he could find you.

”Hange didn’t need me.” you said once Levi entered his bedroom. ”What did you say to Eren?”

”Nothing.”

”Riight. Anyway, let’s sleep because there’s nothing else we can do.”

”I can think of one thing we can do.” Levi whispered next to your ear.

—————

- Armin after he killed a guy to save Jean

You were fighting alongside with Levi against Kenny and his soldiers.

”I can take care of this Y/N, go back to the kids.” Levi ordered.

”I’m helping!”

When you went back to the cadets, you spotted Jean corned by one of Kenny’s pawn. You were ready to shoot the person, but a gun was fired before you could. You thought for a second that Jean was shot dead, but that unknown person collapsed right in front of Jean. You moved to where he was and found Armin with his gun still pointing toward the dead body.

”Oh...” you mumbled, ”Armin, are you okay honey?” you knelt down to him.

”I... I killed someone.” he voiced absently.

At night, you were preparing the bedrooms in the abandoned house before joining the rest of the squad outside.

”... you save Jean.” Levi said.

You looked at him asking him what they were talking about and he nodded toward Armin.

”We should all go to sleep, it has been a long day.” you suggested.

Before walking away, you made sure Jean was doing great and then you went to see Armin. He was sitting in the corridor, holding his gun as if his life depended on it. You sat down next to him and he automatically rested his head on your shoulder.

”You did great today. You saved your friend’s life.” you tried to cheer him up.

”Levi said the same thing.”

”Levi’s never wrong.”

”I...” Armin started after a long pause, ”I constantly feel like I’m going to puke and I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes, I see myself pulling the trigger.” he finished sobbing. You circled your arms around him and told him it was going to be fine.

”Do you want me to stay so you could sleep?”

”I- you have to sleep with the Captain though...”

”You can come in our bedroom then, I think there a couch there.” you cheered softly.

”Captain Levi wouldn’t agree.” Armin guessed.

”Don’t worry I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

—————

”What? No!” Levi shouted.

”Oh my! Not that loud! Armin is just outside!” you shouted back just as loud, ”but please say yes.”

”Is he supposed to sleep between us or something?”

”I was thinking about... hm, how do I put this delicately?” you asked yourself, ”I was thinking you should sleep on the couch because it might be uncomfortable for him to sleep with you.” you said cautiously.

Levi stared at you without smiling, saying ‘are you serious?’. Armin at this moment came in the bedroom worried.

”I don’t to be the cause of a fight, I can sleep with the others, it’s fine!” Armin inquired.

”Fine.” Levi sighed, ”but I’m not sleeping on that that thing.” he showed the old couch.

”The bed’s big, it’s fine!”

You were in the middle while Armin was on your left and Levi on your right. Armin fell asleep rather quickly while you and Levi were still awake.

”So that’s how my life’s going to look like? You and these kids?” Levi stated.

”They won’t be needing me anymore in a few years, so then it’s going to be just you and I. How does that sound?”

”Great. Sounds great to me.” he answered while spooning you. ”Are you really spooning Armin?” Levi asked you.

”Yeah, it’s more comfortable for the three of us, believe me.”

—————

- The night after Armin was captured as Historia (after that weirdo who said weird things and touched my boi)

When you found Jean and Armin, you kicked that old pervert in the balls and threw in far away from Armin. That same night, you found him crying silently outside of your tent. You and Levi sat down beside him.

”You did great.” Levi told him.

”I’m sorry you had to go through that.” you said.

”I think he’s asleep,” Levi started, ”That boy falls asleep so quickly when you’re here, it’s insane”

”Should we just sleep here?”

Levi ended up carrying Armin to his tent and you and Levi stayed with him, because neither of you could sleep anyway. Through the middle of the night, Jean opened Armin’s tent slightly and you came out.

”What’s wrong?” you asked worried.

”I just wanted to make sure Armin was alright.”

”He’s asleep which is great. You can’t sleep either?” you saw that Jean just looked away blushing, ”come, there’s enough place for a giant like you.” you joked.

When you came back Armin was awake.

”Why aren’t you sleeping?” you asked to which he responded with a shrug. ”Let’s all go back to sleep, and that includes you too Levi.”

Levi was right when he said that his life would the kids as long as you were there.

—————

- After the serum had to be given to Armin

Hange was screaming that Erwin had to have the serum. Mikasa and Eren were screaming that Armin should have it instead. While they were screaming, you were silently crying over Erwin’s almost dead body. Levi looked at you and for a second he thought about given Erwin the serum, but in the end, he gave it to Armin. When Levi made his move, you broke down crying, you were a mess.

You knew Levi had a special bond with Erwin and giving the serum to someone else was a hard choice. On top of that, Erwin was one of your closest friends. Which meant that you knew about his goal of discovering the secret about titans. And knowing how close he was to fulfil his dream broke your heart. Hange was beside you, on their knees beside Erwin. Very soon after, Levi joined the two of you.

”Y/N,” Levi started, ”I-”

”W-we have... we have to bury hi-his body.” you said sobbing uncontrollably, ”we can’t... we can’t just let him here.”

”Y/N, we still have to go to the basement.” Hange explained while you refused to let go of Erwin.

”I can stay here, I can wait for you to come back.” you chocked on your words.

That night, you hardly had any sleep. Levi holds you in his arms the whole night. By the morning, you had stopped crying, there were no tears left to cry.

”Do you want to go and eat?” Levi asked you.

”Not hungry.”

”I’m still going to grab some bread for us.”

The day passed too slowly for you, you stayed in the infirmary the whole day, but no one needed help - almost every member of the survey corps were dead anyway. But someone still knock on your door late in the afternoon. Before you could answer, the door opened on Armin. None of you talked - you could only assume that Eren and Mikasa filled him in about what happen.

”I can’t replace Commander Erwin.” Armin whispered. ”Please don’t hate me.” he faltered.

”What? I could never hate any of you! How — why would even think that?” you yelled.

”Erw—”

”Erwin’s dead yes, I know! But— all that matters is that you are here, and I’m glad you are.” you calmed down. ”I’m glad you’re still alive.”

Armin came running toward you and hugged you so tight that you could hardly breath.

”I thought you’d hate me.” Armin confessed.

”I would never because I love you.”

- Reunion with Reiner

When you heard Gabi saying that Reiner had passed out, you follow her without saying anything. She showed you the house where Reiner was, and you opened the door slowly. He was on the ground, wrapped up in an old and thin blanket.

”Reiner?” you asked softly next to his ear, ”wake up and tell me if you’re hurt somewhere, Gabi told me you couldn’t heal properly.”

He groaned and opened his eyes. The last time you saw him was during the Shiganshina attack he planned with Bertolt and Zeke.

”I-”

”Reiner, are you alright?” Gabi asked worried.

”I just need to rest.” Reiner answer looking away from your stare.

You sat down and put Reiner’s head on your lap so he would be more comfortable.

”Sleep a bit before the others come, then we’ll move again.” you told him.

”I’m sorry.” Reiner whispered. He turned his head toward your stomach and curled up on himself. He was so afraid that you reject him after what he did, but he was one of your kids — you could never throw them away when they needed you.

—————

RANDOM HCs

- Sasha would always ask you for your food because she knew you could never refuse.

- You always helped Connie take care of his mother after she was turned into a titan.

- One of your ritual with Armin would be reading together at night, before sleep. After hearing your stories from when he was sick during the training days, he never got tired of hearing them.

- Mikasa teaching you combat skills because she does not want you to die during expeditions.

- Once during training years, you tried to separate Jean and Eren and received a punch from Eren. They apologised a lot and you said it was fine, but Levi was so mad he almost went there himself to kick their butts.

- Reiner, Bertolt and Annie feeling bad because you were always so nice toward them. Plus, when you saw Annie again, you just hugged her and told her you were glad she was back.

—————

MASTERLIST

NEXT POST IS GOING TO BE: that one time the kids called you ”mom” and that one time Jean called Captain Levi ”dad” —> really excited to write this one :D

Also, yes it was a lot of Armin but when I made my rough drafts of ideas, it was a lot of Armin. Also (x2) shorter than expected but yeah, wanted to get this out of my system before writting something else, hope you guys liked it though :) also (x3) it did looked better in my mind

#attack on titan x reader #levi ackerman x reader #armin arlet x reader #jean kirstein x reader #eren yeager x reader #reiner braun x reader #levi ackerman fluff #too much tags i stop here #mikasa ackerman x reader #prank #aot #aot fluff #some angst i guess though

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frostfloweragainlol-alias-juno · 2 years ago

Text

This is part 2

Dex belongs to @leech-twinz

Warning: slight Emetophobia and sickness (flu), cussing

Ship present: Cain x oc (Dex), Abel x Larry

5.30 p.m.

Abel’s phone rang

“Yes?”

“I got your text, is Cain ok?!”

“He is not dead so-“

“I’m serious brother-!”

“Ok, jeeze “ 076 sighed “ He’s not doing great, but last time I checked his fever went down a little” he paused “ Where are you anyway?”

“Me and Alto are substituting for you in the mission, don’t you remember? You texted me asking me to “

“Really ?” Abel checked his phone “huh, you’re right “

“You really are worried huh ?”

“Fuck you”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know? I’m worried too “

“Whatever “

“Jeeze, Ok Mr Grumpy” she said jokingly

“Stop calling me that”

“Hahaaha!”

“Ugh, why must you be so anno-“

Abel suddenly paused

“Aby?”

“Sorry, I got to go, I’ll call you back” 076 quickly said before hanging up

“Wtf?” Frost wondered staring at the phone’s pitch black screen

“Well at least you made it to the bathroom ?” tried to joke Abel

“not... funny...” Cain managed to say

“ I’m just saying that puking here is better than throwing up on the floor “ he replied patting his back

“Oh now you’re an optimist?!” Cain wrapped his arms around his abdomen.

He seemed even more exhausted now.

“You’re pale as fuck, you should really eat something “

“ I would probably throw that up as well “

“At least drink something?!”

Cain was about to reply when Abel phone rang again

“Yeah?”

“Hey, it's Larry. So it’s tonight at 6 right?”

-Oh fuck-

“Uh-“

“Don’t tell me you forgot about our date “

“No no no, it's not that!” he tried to explain “It’s just... something came up-“

Cain looked at the ground, feeling guilty

“Oh? What happened?”

“I’ll send you a text explaining everything. I promise I didn’t forgot”

“Wait you’re serious then”

Both of them stayed silent

“Ok, I’ll call back later”

“Thank you”

“No problem. I love you !!“

“I love you too” Abel whispered

106 smiled, then hung up

“Back at what i was saying-“ pause

“Cain? Is something wrong?”

“I’m sorry, about the date”

“Huh? What do you..?” “WAIT- do you really think that was your fault ?”

073 Nodded in response

“How on earth could that be your fault?! I quite literally forgot about it in the first place !”

“You still could have gone! But you can’t because you are taking care of me-“

“You know I can reschedule a date right ?!” He hugged his brother

Cain hugged Abel back “i’m sorry...for everything” he tear up, both from guilt and tiredness

“Uh- bro is all this for the date? Or is still about that thing-”

073 broke down crying

“Aaand it’s about that...“

“For the 100th time, I already forgave you for that 2 YEARS ago”

“Stop fucking crying or you’ll make me cry too!”

Surely enough, minutes later both of them were sobbing uncontrollably , with the only interruption being a few “I’m sorry “ and “shut the fuck up”

8.00 p.m

Frost knocked at the door

“Hey du-“ she stopped immediately as she saw Abel face

“Have you been crying? Are you ok?!! What happened?!?” she shut the door behind her

“I’m fine” he wiped his eyes

“Seriously, why were you crying?!”

“Cause Cain started crying “ he explained “ and I honestly have no idea of why I started crying too but eh-“ he paused “Man, was today weird “

Frost looked at him confused

“How was the mission btw?” 076 tried to break the silence

“No one died so I guess good “ she stopped “Well, actually 2 class Ds died”

“What scp escaped again?”

“It was ... what was it?! Uhh- I don’t remember the number??”

“[redacted]?“ tried to guess Abel

“Exactly that one ! I always forget its number omg “

“ It’s strange how they literally could contain me almost without any breaches but it’s the fourth time this week that that thing escapes. And It’s only fucking Thursday “

Frost shrugged her shoulders in response

“Cain?” She asked

“He’s sleeping. His fever went down to 100,4 °F. Before it was like 104 °F“

“Well that’s a good sign” she said relieved

Abel nodded

“ Dex?*

“He said he was coming. I tried to tell him it wasn’t a good idea because he could get sick too, but he insisted “

“I don’t think Cain is even contagious, I’m not sick “

“Abel, you basically never get sick remember?”

Abel stared at her , and then replied with an “Oh. Right “

Frost crossed her arms

“Go take a nap”

“Uh?”

“Go to sleep, you’re clearly tired”

“But-”

“Go take a fucking nap dumbass “

“What are you? My mother ?”

“No, but I care about you and therefore I’d advise you to go and rest cause you look exhausted. And probably your brother would think too that you should rest “

“I’m not leaving this place until Cain is better“

“Fine, you can stay” 9108 sighed “But take a nap”

Abel crouched down

“NOT on the floor. The couch exists for a reason “

076 got up staring at her annoyed

“Oh! And take this” she handed him a pillow and a blanket “I know cold it’s not that much of a deal for you but still”

“Thanks” he mumbled

“Wait- did you keep those in your pockets or some shit?! Cause I’m sure you weren’t holding these five minutes ago “

“I have a backpack “ she snorted

“Ah”

Frost giggled

“DON’T LAUGH”

“I’m not” she tried to say without bursting into laughter

“Fuck you”

“I’m really trying not to I swear “ she snorted

“Yeah yeah” he rolled his eyes

9.00 p.m

Frost checked on both of her brothers , both deeply asleep. Then sighed relieved and headed to the small kitchen of the chamber. -whoa, this site’s chambers are so cool! Is much better here - she thought while walking . She sat down on a chair, ignoring the flashbacks of site 19. She was still lost in her thoughts when there was a knock on the door. She quietly unlocked

“Hey Dex”

“Hi. Sorry I’m late but an mtf got in the way”

“I swear those bitches” Frost rolled her eyes

“Why are you whispering?”

“Cain and Abel are sleeping”

“ Is Abel on the couch?”

“Yep” 9108 replied shutting very slowly the door

“Is Cain alright?” He then asked. His voice sounded worried

“He’s getting better don’t worry “ Frost reply

“Oh, thank god” he whispered

9108 smiled

“Anyway, since you’re here, would you like something to drink? Tea or coffee?”

“Either it’s ok”

“Tea then?”

Dex nodded then proceeded to seat down to one of the chairs next to the table

“Man, how many kinds of tea does my brother have?! There are like 30 boxes here!”

“I didn’t know Cain liked it so much, I always see him drink coffee ?”

“He does. It’s the only natural thing he can consume as the herbs inside of the tea bags are already dried out”

“Really?”

“Yep” “uhh, would you like vanilla tea?”

Dex nodded again

“Cool”

In a few minutes two hot tea cups were ready.

“Thank you” he smiled

“No prob “

They stayed silent for a few minutes

“Hey Frost?”

“Hm?”

“Remember when you told me you also were on site 19 around the time I also was contained there ?”

“Mh?”

“You never actually told me what happened back there”

Frost placed the cup on the table “Yeaahh- i don’t really… want to talk about it- you know-? it’s one of those experiences that are just meant to be forgotten “

Dex stared at her in silence

“And chambers are orribile“ she smirked

“Seriously the site reaaally should hire an interior decorator. I mean gray walls?” She then joked

“Oh yes I remember those haha-gray? I would of opted for another color ” Dex added

Both quietly giggled

10.30 p.m

Frost and Dex were still talking

“Btw did you see my twin by any chance today?

“Nope. Didn’t he have a date with Abel tho?”

“How do you know that?”

“He told me. Well he was supposed to have one but Cain got sick and Abel probably forgot “

“Weird, I never saw him forget about anything”

“Yes, except when he’s worried about something or tired. He forgets everything “

“Oh? Really?”

“Mhm” Frost paused “Don’t tell him I told you this tho”

“My lips are sealed “ he reassured

“Sealed? How will you talk then? '' a sleepy voice jokingly replied

Frost and Dex simultaneously turned their heads and stared at the man in the white pajamas behind them. Cain smiled. Dex stood up and hugged him, so quickly that they both lost their balance and fell on the floor.

“Happy to see you too” Cain smiled again, hugging his husband back. Dex held him tight , relieved to see he was ok

“I’m happy to see you’re feeling better brother ” Frost smiled

She was about to say something else when her phone rang

“Excuse me a sec”

She brought the phone to her ear “Hello?” Pause “Oh. Wait again?! —- him too?! ” She stopped again for a few seconds then glanced at Abel, who was still asleep “No he’s busy at the moment. Yes I understand. Listen, I'll come alone ok?” Frost sighed, annoyed “Again: no, he can’t be there right now , but I can. How many times do I have to repeat myself?” Silence once again until scp 9108 finally replied with “Good “ and “I’ll be there asap” and then hung up.

“Who was that ?” asked Cain, still hugging Mo

“Ugh, the mtf squad omega 8. Scp[redacted] has once again escaped and someone well decided to look at a photograph of Lanky apparently.“

“But you and Clef just stopped it?!”

“Yes but there was an accident during the transport and [redacted] escaped again”

Cain glanced at his sister “ who were you talking about? Abel?”

“Huh?”

“When you glanced at him and said ‘no he’s busy’ ?”

“Oh ? Oh yeah!” Frost crossed her arms “They wanted me and Aby’s help” another sigh “But he is resting and I don’t wanna wake him, so I just told the guy he was busy”

“If you want I can-“

“Absolutely fucking not, you’re still feverish“

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Besides I’ve already fought that oversized lizard twice and survived , this will certainly be easier “

“You almost died!!”

“And I survived”

“At least bring someone with you during at least one of the missions? For safety? Please?”

Frost sighed “Fine. I’ll ask Zack to help me with [redacted] while I try to find Lanky. Happy now?”

“Very “

“Good” She paused “Welp- i better go. See y’all later” she then proceeded to open the door and then closing it with a “byeeeee!”

6.00 a.m

Cain glanced at his brother, still sleeping on the couch, and Dex, who had fallen asleep on the little armchair next to the table. He smiled, then grabbed a blanket and proceeded to gently place it around his husband’s shoulders, careful not to wake him. He then kissed him on the forehead. Dex smiled in his sleep.

“Mh- shit... ughh- dammit ”

“Good morning. Slept well?” Cain turned around and smiled

“Ehhh- somewhat- and bet I overslept” Abel rubbed his eyes

“It’s 6.00 am, it’s still pretty early actually” reassured him 073

“Huh” he sat up and yawned “Usually I’m up for 5 am tho”

“I know. But at least you got a full-night sleep and not the usual 5-4 hours per night”

“How did you even know my sleep schedule?”

“I’m your older brother. I know everything “

“Omg, You’re creepy “

“No, I just know you” Cain raised an eyebrow

“Ok. Whatever “ he rolled his eyes

He looked around, then again at his brother

“Frost is in mission if that’s what you wanted to ask”

“Damn you could at least let me ask “

073 shrugged “Hey, about yesterday-“

“?”

“Thank you. For taking care of me“

Abel started at his brother, then nodded

“But next time you go to work sick, I’ll straight up be kicking your ass“ he smirked

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ajappendix · 3 years ago

Text

Amanda Jane interviews Miah Marlow and Miss Moonstar

Miah Marlow introduces her Tumblr blog with a list that immediately reveals her to be multi-talented. “Gender-fluid, Digital Artist, Writer, Musician, Professional Organizer, Philosopher, Activist, Model, Humorist.“ Her partner, in every respect, he calls Miss Moonstar. It is my pleasant task to interview this special and interesting couple whom many people know from social media.

Amanda

Our past has much to do with our present so let's begin by delving into the past, before you met. Despite the wondrous childhood images our culture likes to promote, many do not have an enviable start in life to carry forward into adulthood. My first question to both of you is:-

”What circumstances, experiences and events of your early years do you feel greatly influenced the person that you are now?"

Miah

My Mother left when I was 3 years old. Two years later my Father remarried a woman who, with his assistance, tormented and abused my young life for the next 13 years. My early years are marked by insecurity, fear, shame, and pain. We were incredibly sheltered, and I had very little contact with my extended family for many years. One of my deepest memories is that of missing my Grandparents, whom I knew loved me very much. Sometimes, I even dreamt I was at their house, and when I awoke to find it not true, I would cry uncontrollably at the reality until I puked.

The most influential memory of my life happened the night my Dad drove me to the store at the end of the road. I was 7 years old. He pulled the car over and said "You'll always be special to me, but from now on SHE has to be first. If not she'll leave us. You will call her Mom." It was the day my Dad lost his spine, and I lost my Dad. I hate to start so negatively, but this is the truth. When I was old enough for them to leave me home alone, around 11 or 12, I began to create the earliest incarnations of what would become my gender fluidity. There is no question that being ruled by a strong, evil woman, and a weak spineless man, led me to be confused about where to find role models. So, I went deep into my own mind and made my own special place, and accompanying version of myself, galaxies apart from the me I showed the world. It would be a lifetime before I would reconcile the two.

Miss Moonstar

Growing up as the youngest and the only girl in a home with all males and no mother or female role model was confusing and difficult but, it was also a lesson in strength and intelligence. I was already "different" than all of the other little girls around, with my dark complexion and my "strange" features. Add in being raised in a home full of only males and no mother, and that was a recipe for the perfect weirdo. I had a great father, who back then, was the wisest and most resilient person. He taught me to find solace and knowledge in the the earth, the water, the sun, the moon, and the nonhuman creatures. And books. So those were my friends, my teachers, and my counsellors for most of my young life. Making human friends as a young person proved to be almost impossible because in a small, conservative, 99.99% white, Christian town where ANY outsider is unwelcome; the mothers of the little girls don't trust a strange darker girl who does not have a "good god fearing mother to tame the savage out of her" (I actually heard things like that growing up), not to mention I literally had B cups at age 9, and that is a heavy accelerant for ignorant, insecure, small town women .....So I think as I matured into a young adult, these things helped mold me into being as disarming as possible because I just wanted women to see me, to like me, to understand that I'm one of them. These things probably played a role in me being insecure with my body image for most of my adult life, as well. The same experiences also taught me to be stoic, to never stop educating myself, to embrace my intelligence, to understand my power, and to never wield them for wicked reasons. To remember that no living creature is more valuable than another. And to recognize the internal beauty in the rare and unique people that the earth puts in my life.

Amanda

Both sad and at the same time beautiful answers. I think it has taken a long time for the social sciences to recognize the significant impact of our childhood years on what we become as adults, especially the first four years of our “formative years” (birth to 8yrs).

Miah, “At what age did you realize that you were different from those around you, and begin to question where you fitted in the narrow binary gender view of the time.”

Miah

I mentioned that I began dressing feminine in secret around age 11. Up until 16, I was certain I was unique in this behaviour, and I certainly thought I was doing something wrong. I had no idea there were others like me, until finally, one day my mind was opened to a whole different world. Remember, this was 1991. There were no smart phones and being "online" was not quite universal. So, as a 16 year old wanting, no, needing porn, I had to turn to the medium of the time, magazines. Club Magazine to be exact, because it had penetration pics. I only had one copy stashed away in a secret spot, and since many of its pages were stuck together, I often found myself gooning to the back pages, where the 1-900 numbers were advertised, along with ads for other interesting publications and VHS tapes. This is where I saw what my immature mind could only describe as a chick...with a dick! She was tall, and skinny, with tiny, if there-at-all boobs, long brown hair, and a boyish yet beautiful face, advertising something called “Shemale BDSM”. I immediately fell into the fantasy of wondering about her, imagining how she came to be, and ultimately, being her. From that day forward, I never stopped imagining myself as a feminine thing, destined to someday flourish as I wanted. This was the moment I realized that boys could be girls, and maybe I was one of them.

Amanda

Miss Moonstar, a slightly different question to you. “Growing up in a male environment and shunned as 'different' by the mothers of girls with whom you could have been friends, did you ever question your gender or did you always firmly feel that you were female?”

Miss Moonstar

For a long time, I didn't understand that the reason that I was "different" was because of my ethnicity and my over developed young body. I thought that it was because I was some form of weird boy. It's a strange explanation but, I was in a home with only boys, I did all the same things that boys did, I played with boys, I wore my brothers' "hand me down" boys clothes, I liked the same things as boys liked so therefore, I must be a boy. The day that I truly started to understand that I might not be exactly the same as my brothers and father was when, my dad walked by the bathroom and I was in there going pee, with the door open; my dad asked me what I was doing and I told him I was peeing. He asked me why I was standing up, over the toilet. I just always assumed that was how you went pee. That was how my brothers and my father did it, so why wouldn't I? My dad took me for a long walk that day, explaining to me the physical biological differences between boys and girls, as well as many other things. After that day, I kind of started to rediscover my body, feeling and knowing that I had something different than all of the boys and in my mind, that made me special. I was still very young and had much more to learn and understand about my sex and gender but, the pivotal events of that day subsequently began my journey to embrace my "femaleness" and my femininity. I still have many "masculine" personality traits but, I know that I was absolutely meant to be a woman and, even though womanhood can have it's negative and sometimes scary moments, I would not trade it for anything.

Amanda

A question for you both. “What kind of life were you leading just before you met? How did you meet? What attracted you to the other? Was the start of your relationship one of slow growth or was it quite sudden?”

Miah

I was beginning a new life when I met Miss Moonstar. Two years prior, I got divorced. I had lived with my then wife and her two children for 6 years. When I look back on it, I think it was my last ditch attempt at having a "normal" life and shutting out the girl inside who had caused me so much trouble. I struggled with the sexless relationship, but found personal growth in the raising of two boys. I never wanted kids of my own, but I got to teach them decency, and logic, and compassion, and I got to coach baseball. Sadly, I secretly found my feminine time through it all, until I could go no further. When I lost a job, she kicked me out. We tried to remain friends for the sake of the kids, and I finally told her my secret.

I had been doing some serious soul searching the past year since being kicked out. I was getting tired of hiding and lying, so I made the decision to come out in my city. My relationships were suffering, especially the one I had with my Grandpa, as he never could never quite understand me, because I was never honest. I had to set myself free. So, I told him, and my boss, and my few friends, and my ex step kids, and began my transition from secret crossdresser to gender-fluid girl. It was a whirlwind of a time, all culminating in an epic night out at a local bar, where I would make my hometown debut. I had some new friends who would accompany me, and one of them was a young lady who you have come to know as Miss Moonstar.

I could write for a year straight and still not address the scope of Miss Moonstar's arrival in my life. I was literally done with relationships. I planned to be a bachelor forever, taking lovers and being a sex Goddess until I died, when my friend Dawn introduced us. What I remember from that moment is often a blur, but I do remember a very specific feeling that overtook my body as she and I spoke. Nostalgia. Even though we had never met before, I knew this person. She was one of my kind. In fact, the last time I felt this way upon meeting a woman was my college days when girls and guys weren't all that different, just young humans with big dreams. One of us would say something and our eyes would meet and we would laugh in our minds together. On day one! My attraction was instant. My knowledge of her felt reliable and certain. Yes, she was beautiful, yes, she was sexy, yes, she was charming, but it was her softness and intelligence that ultimately won my heart, as no one had ever used such a gentle hand with me, or a thoughtful approach, ever. Still, to this day, her soft love and understanding is unrivalled in my life, and one of the main reasons I'll try to keep her around forever.

I think we were dying to jump into an intensely heated affair, however, do to my gender fluidity and her metered approach, we took our time and tried to go slow. Soon enough, however, we were inseparable and have been ever since.

Miss Moonstar

About 2 years prior to meeting Miah=Jer, I had suffered a miscarriage at around 21 weeks. I cannot accurately articulate the feeling of that loss. To lose someone that I had loved so much but, that I would never be able to meet, was one of the most profound tragedies of my existence. While I was unconscious, the nurses contacted my romantic long term partner/father of my child, as standard procedure but also, so that I would not be alone when I came out of the anesthesia. When I awoke, the nurses gently informed me that my partner would not be coming. Since I could no longer be a vessel for his child, I was no longer a viable partner. I was a failure in every definition of the word. I spent the next almost 2 years grieving, searching for answers in every pocket of the world, and rebuilding myself. I had come to the conclusion that I deserved to love myself and that the only people who deserved to be in my life, were the people who encouraged and supported me loving myself. I also had decided that I was not going to have relationship partners ever again. Male and female lovers but, no relationships. Before I would embark on being the world's greatest womanizer and seductress though, I was introduced to Miah=Jer, through my friend Dawn. This person was physically the most beautiful human that I had ever seen, on both ends of the masculine/feminine spectrum and everything in between. However, when I sat down and started to talk to this person, I felt like I was finally home. I had always wondered what the feeling of "coming home" was. I never felt like I had ever been "home". Not with my family, not in the place that I grew up, not in any state or city that I had lived in, not around any humans. But this person, this strange feeling that was both foreign and more familiar than anything I had ever felt, this was exactly where I was supposed to be. We started our conversation that night and for the next almost four years, haven't stopped. The attraction was cerebral for me. Of course he has endless physically attractive traits but, I love Miah's intellect the most. I love that Miah is much more intelligent than me, I love that there is no topic that is off limits, I love his constant quest for knowledge, her never ending thirst for learning. And his patient, gentle approach to all of my crazy idiosyncrasies. I also have a dark, twisted, sick sense of humour and Miah is the only person that I've ever met that can go toe-to-toe with me on that. Because we both were in a place in our lives where we refused to keep hiding our true selves and, couldn't continue to pretend that we weren't total freak shows, we both needed to build a safe space for each other, so as much as the feeling of "home" was sudden, we slowly nurtured and grew our relationship. As ridiculous and cliche as it may sound, Miah=Jer is my soul's recognition of it's counterpart. Miah=Jer is the love of my life and I will love him for as long as she allows me to, but I will start with forever.

Amanda

What wonderful answers both of you have given. So powerful, so touching. What an irony that two people, both sworn to lead single lives, should meet and almost immediately know they had just met their soulmate. It is a rare and special story, well worth telling. So many yearn to meet the “right” partner and have not. Let’s hope such readers will be encouraged by your stories.

Now that we are up to the present, it is time for a standard question for you both. “What age are you now, where do you live and what do you do to make a living.”

Miah

I'm from Ithaca, NY, I'm 46, and I have a unique arrangement from which I obtain resources. I've been demonized by some family members for this lifestyle, but I wanted to be honest with you all. Coming out as genderfluid hurt my career path a bit. If you think poorly of me after reading this, well, fuck off.

I care for and work for my Grandpa. I manage his life and his business. He's 89, and he requires assistance in almost every area of his life. Some of that is personal care and daily needs like food, various appointments, his finances, and his medical needs. But, it also entails acting as property manager for his apartment building, and rental agent when an apartment becomes available or a tenant has needs. I also maintain the property physically and do the building maintenance. I do this because I'd be dead without my Grandpa, and he was abandoned by his immediate family when his wife, my Grandma, died. He saved me numerous times in this life, and it is only right I repay his love with love in return. Both Miss Moonstar and I have promised him that we will be here until the very end so that is what we will do. This work I do amounts to anywhere from a demanding part time job to a full time job depending on the week, but we have our own house on the same property, food and necessities, and some of the rent I generate becomes mine. I supplement this by working for another elderly person in town in a similar assistant capacity. This is how I get by. I definitely did not expect to be doing this at 46, but loyalty has its price, and its rewards. It's no secret Miss Moonstar and I will inherit this place when the saddest day of my life comes, and it will help us take care of each other moving forward. I hope some of you will still be here for me then. I probably won't know what to do with my grief.

My career is not over though. Many people do not create their legacy until the second half of their life. I fully intend to pursue my dreams as long as I'm alive. I'll probably find my way back to a non profit agency where I can use my law degree for some good, and I definitely plan to add 'published author" to the list of things I've done. Heck, I could still get a record deal. Crazier shit has happened.

Miss Moonstar

I'm 39 years old. I now live in Ithaca, New York. For a good chunk of years I was a pastry chef, before and after I graduated culinary school. I earned my associate degree in social sciences with the intention of pursuing my B.Soc.Sc in sociology but, the culinary dream had already sunk its teeth in me. After graduating culinary school in New Orleans, I stayed there and continued my career as a pastry chef. I spent some time doing that in various other cities and states until I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. At that juncture, I knew that I needed to make some serious life changes so, I did. I attained my B.Soc.Sc in sociology, and entered the world of social work. I finally found where I belonged when, a nonprofit that I connected with on a deeply personal level contacted me, offering me a position as a victim advocate for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. It has been one of the most humbling, heart wrenching, and necessary experiences that I have ever had.

Amanda

What a talented and qualified couple you are. I cannot see why, Miah, anyone should think less of you. To put your own life on hold to assist your Grandfather shows that you are a person with moral and ethical values. Yes, there are advantages for you too, but for my own part, I applaud you for what you are doing. Miss Moonstar, from indirect experience I know something of the emotional strength and determination that it takes to be a counsellor to people experiencing heart wrenching situations. I know too how difficult it can be to find a balance of compassion and professional distance that does not burn you out of this invaluable but difficult counselling practice. I also know that arthritis is no fun at all and that you often have to deal with pain. You both deserve medals.

Miah, I know you have written about this several times on your blog, but for this interview “Please clarify what “gender-fluid” means to you and why you feel that the various terms crossdresser, trans, sissy etc do not correctly describe who you are?”

Miah

As the years have passed, my definition of my gender has changed yet I still use the same word, gender-fluid. I suppose this is simply because it's the most accessible word available, even though many people still don't know what it is. I'm gender-fluid in the literal sense, meaning my gender is fluid. While many people find themselves leaning feminine or masculine or in between, I am all over the spectrum depending on my mood or desire. Often times, this manifests as either the "girl" or "guy" me, which is sickeningly binary to me, but it is what it is. At least I can move on the spectrum as I wish. I think of gender as different from biological sex or sexuality. I still view myself as male, and my sexuality really has no bearing on my gender, or vice versa.

The other words you mentioned either aren't strong enough to define me, or undermine me entirely. For example, the word crossdresser is a weak action descriptor. It merely says that one crossdresses, similar to how biker indicates one rides bikes. The word sissy adds a sexual element that is not always present in my regular behaviour, and also indicates that I might be submissive, embarrassed by what I am, or negatively influenced by the internet. None of these are true. Finally, transgender can never be the word for me because I do not claim womanhood. I think that is the essence of being trans, that one is the alternate sex from their birth body. I am simply not a woman, and one hundred percent biologically male. I claim femininity as a skillset and part of my gender, hence my reliance on the term gender-fluid.

Amanda

Personally, I appreciate the nuance of the term gender-fluid as you describe it. The words gender and sexuality are not synonyms. I generally refer to myself as a cross dresser but I agree that all that term really implies is that I cross dress.

Miss Moonstar, many women would balk at living with and loving a partner who presents as a male one day and as a female the next. “Can you describe how you feel about this and, by doing so, help other women to appreciate the possibility of doing likewise?”

Miss Moonstar

First and foremost, I love Miah=Jer's gender fluidity and all of the different characteristics that it entails. Regardless of what end of the gender spectrum she presents as, he has the same heart, the same mind, the same emotions, the same voice, the same body, everyday. This was never something that I "needed to wrap my head around" or do any deep soul searching about when I Miah=Jer. Yes, I first met him when she was en femme but, the very next day we met for coffee and she was en masc. The familiar cerebral conversation, the relaxed nature, and the attraction did not change with the gender accoutrements.

Being with a man who knows that he is a man who, also knows that he has many genders is the most liberating and refreshing feeling that I have ever experienced. I've always been a pansexual woman, constantly seeking out something that everyone I knew told me did not exist. But it did exist, it DOES exist. Having a male partner who not only loves femininity and all of the different tangible and intangible layers but, who understands it, enjoys it, and LIVES it, is something that I will never take for granted.

I know that some people want me to say that during the beginning of our relationship, I was worried about; whether Miah would be "masculine" and "manly" enough for me, what people would think of me when they saw us together in public, if my friends/colleagues/family would approve of our relationship, how our sex would work, what do I say to people who question me about Jer and/or our relationship. The truth is this, in the same order that I listed the "thoughts": I did not consider her manliness or masculinity. His gender is fluid, her masculinity is always there, just as his femininity is. As far as his manliness goes, he is a man, he identifies as a man and when he needs or wants that manliness to be at the forefront, it is and, I don't get to decide either of those. No one has the right to decide his gender except Miah=Jer. I fell in love with her BECAUSE of her gender fluidity, NOT IN SPITE of her gender fluidity. I have never cared what people think when they see us together in public. If someone that I care about doesn't approve of our relationship, that's their problem, not mine. If you can't be seen in public with us, then you don't need to be seen by me, at all. I don't have time for that shit. If someone genuinely inquires about Jer or our relationship then of course, I explain what gender-fluid means, who Jer truly is inside, who I am, the beautiful love that we have, and why I'm the luckiest person in the world. And as far as our sex, I think everyone wonders what the sex will be like when they first enter in a relationship, regardless of the dynamic. I wasn't worried about Jer not desiring me, not because I'm arrogant, it was just pretty obvious that he desired me and my body as much as I desired him and his body. I don't need to go too in depth but, for the first time in my life, I feel sexually liberated with Jer. There is no judgment, no pressure, no weird expectations. We agreed from the beginning that sex is meant to be a joyful experience and, we encourage each other to free ourselves of our sexual insecurities. And he's a real hellcat in the sack 😉.

In light of all this that I said, the key to success to my relationship with Miah=Jer has been honesty from the very beginning. Honest with each other about who we are and what we want and, honest with our own selves. To the women who are considering entering into a relationship with a gender nonconforming male, I can try to offer some gentle advice; don't judge the person's sexuality based on their gender, they are two different things. Don't secretly try to devise some kind of plan to convince the person to mollify or allay their femininity. That's just shitty. Think about it, you would be asking a person to tear out a piece of the fabric of who they are. If I asked Miah=Jer to diminish his femininity, it would be the same as him asking me to whitewash the half of me that is indigenous. You can't simply "accept" that part of them as if it is some negative trait that you can "deal with" but, as long as they keep it to themselves. You embrace and you love the whole person or you stop wasting both of your time and you move on. It may sound harsh but, it's just the way it has to be. That person is sharing a part of themselves with you that they have had to hide and feel societal shame about for longer than you can begin to fathom. Just like you, they want to be loved completely, they want to be seen, and they want to shed the layers of secrets and stigmatization and degradation that our society has forced them into. Gender is such an innocent thing and yet, the world has bulldozed and browbeaten male humans into feeling that embracing their feminine gender is an errant and nefarious act. So, the last thing they need is you giving them a false sense of security by allowing them to finally open up to you, telling them you welcome them and approve of them and then, turning around and invalidating and undermining their existence.

Just be real with them, be real with yourself. Fuck society's bullshit narratives and judgments. If you think you will lose family and friends simply because you're in love with a gender nonconforming person, then you don't really have those family and friends to begin with. Anyone who abandons a person, who they purport to love unconditionally, entirely based on that person's partner's gender, doesn't actually unconditionally love that person.

What Miah and I have is something beautiful and special and I really am the luckiest girl in the world, however cliche that truth may sound. It is not something that other people could easily attain or maintain and I understand that. But, it is possible for anyone who really wants it and who is willing to nourish and cherish and grow it.

Amanda

Miss Moonstar, I really do hope that those who read your answer will take your statements and advice to heart. No, loving only part of a person is not unconditional, nor is it truly sustainable.

Your blog describes you both walking, shopping and visiting places together (you have addressed the matter of public reaction in your blog at times). So, “Would you both tell us about your negative and positive experiences of typical public reaction to you as a couple, and how you felt about it both at the time and in general?”

Miah

The public reaction to us as a couple is entirely different from the public reaction to me when I appear alone. MM is a bulletproof vest for me. When we are together, we are rarely bothered by anyone. We have had a couple belligerent people try to invade our space, and gotten some strange looks from a passerby, but generally speaking, I don't think people dare approach us. Sometimes, I wish more people would come up and talk to us. I miss people. The protection, which MM exudes but doesn't purposefully project, can sometimes insulate me from the world. I am certain my presence does the same to her. However, I stray from the point. I think most of the public likes to see us, at least in our liberal city. Occasionally, someone is a little too excited to see us. For example, the other day a guy parked his truck backwards in a turnabout so he could watch us take pics at a park bench. He just brazenly gawked at us until we moved spots. When I drove by him, he smiled and waved to us. At this point, it is what it is. We may never be the couple who can come and go unnoticed, but for the most part, we both enjoy the thrill and we do our best to laugh at ourselves and remember we do what we do for joy. Haters are always gonna hate but you gotta get to the point where you don't register that. I think we are almost there.

Miss Moonstar

For the most part, the public reaction seems to be positive, or at the very least, NOT negative. There have been a couple of times that I had to get gulley and let some redneck, hillbilly, TERF bitches know that I would bring the ruckus. They thought they were going to prevent Miah from using the bathroom. Miah is always so dignified and pleasant and shy so, she was trying to walk away and avoid making a scene. Normally, I would be the same way but, I completely lose my shit when someone fucks with Miah, especially women like that. They think she won't defend herself because she is a gender-fluid man and they are "women". So, I get a little crazy, say something totally inappropriate, threaten to bang their husbands, and they end up backing off......Other than those assholes, the public treats us pretty well. Men can get a little intense in their appreciation for us but, we take it in stride. Most women love us too. Miah has a commanding presence and most people respect her, even if they aren't sure of the dynamic. I think most times, people see her and then see me and wonder why she isn't with someone equally as amazing and beautiful as her. I wonder that too. Regardless, I feel lucky as hell to have her and to be treated so kindly by most strangers.

Amanda

It is so interesting to hear that you are treated differently as individuals than when people see you as a couple. It surprises me that you have not had many unpleasant experiences. That says a lot for the progress of acceptance of those who are gender non conforming.

This is a cheeky question you can answer together, but from your blog you sound like a fairly sexually active couple when so many couples seem to complain about their partner and not having enough sex. It is not easy to define 'sex' or quantify it, so for this question consider it to include any sexual activity engaged in as a couple. I can give you a choice of two typical questionnaire questions. "Together rate your level of activity on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being inactive and 5 being very active." Or, to be more empirical, "How many times a month do you engage in sexual activity together?"

Miah and Miss Moonstar

I'd say we have sex anywhere from 4 to 9 times a month. As with any couple, life will steal days from us occasionally. Someone may not feel well, we may be too busy, or and unforeseen event will stop us from coming together, but we never have an issue reinvigorating each other. The sexual space we have created is one of absolute non-judgmental joy seeking. It is one of the most free spaces we have ever entered. We are open about what turns us on, we have no insecurities about any aspects of our bodies or our sexual skills. We exhibit whatever feelings we may feel across the gender spectrum without fear. You can imagine that makes for a really fun experience where we can let go and just enjoy. We understand that sexuality is not static, so we try our best to facilitate each other's dreams and fantasies and it has been more than wonderful. We don't believe couples who say they screw every day. It's not about quantity, it's about quality and ultimately, having fun.

Miah. I’ll add that a day never goes by where Miss Moonstar doesn't grab my ass and tell me how sexy I am, even though she's the real Goddess. I'm a very lucky guy.

Amanda

In the light of what I hear on social media, I think you are both very fortunate to have each other as sexual partners.

Another question. ”With separate answers, how do you feel and how do you react when your partner is the object of coarse or crude comments and offers of sex online or in real time?”

Miah

I get more of this online, while Miss gets more real life propositions. I think we handle this quite well, considering the crude way in which people show their love. It is, however, occasionally a mine field to navigate. I've made a point of making it grossly clear that I am taken, and in love, and not missing any lustiness in my life. I am also wildly flirtatious so I try not to lead people on. Over time, I've developed a kind of rule I follow when dealing with sex fuelled online friends. It's a one chance rule. I always forgive the first crudely worded or dick pic included message. I thank the person for their interest in me. I understand that people find me attractive and sometimes can't help themselves. I believe in the decency in people. So, I implore them to reconsider approaching me a different way, so we may be able to be friends. Often times, even someone who began with a dick pic will turn back into the good person inside once they realize I am much more than a sex object. Besides, being my decent friend online is the best and only way to get my reciprocal flirtation and the occasional salacious ass shot in your inbox.

As for Miss, and the guys who come on to her: I do nothing. She's beautiful and sexy and I fully expect people to approach her. I also trust her to handle it, which she always does. I never feel insecure or mad that she gets love, or attention. I'm flattered, actually. Everyone needs attention and I'm glad she gets it. If anyone really crossed the line, I'd kick their ass. I'm still a 6 foot tall man. Come get some.

Miss Moonstar

This is an awesome question and I probably should be ashamed of my answer, but I'm not. I could lie and pretend to be dignified but, I won't. The truth is, I love it when Miah is the object of people's sexual fantasies or desires. How could I not love it? I have my own dark twisted fantasies in which Miah is the main attraction. The difference is, I get to act out my fantasies with Miah, as others do not. Well, except for the occasional weekend when I need to make some extra money so, I turn her into a Red Roof Inn glory hole queen.......I'm joking, I do not pimp out the love of my life......I love that Jer has many admirers and fans. The only time that I am bothered is when he is bothered by it. If he truly feels uncomfortable or disrespected, then I try to comfort him and give him advice on how to proceed.......Miah gets a great deal of online (as well as some in real life, that seek her out online) admirers and mostly, we just laugh at the ridiculous things that people say because it is highly entertaining.

Amanda

I think the strength of a relationship is shown by enjoying the fact that one’s partner receives attention. It shows trust and confidence. But, yes, if that line is crossed……Watch out! Some of the things that anonymous admirers suggest they would do to us would test the skills of an acrobat, but they are certainly amusing.

Before we move off the subject of Sex, I note that you have been asked before about your interest in the Chastity fetish. “Being largely ignorant about what motivates people to wear cages and be submissive to another person, would both of you like to comment on this subject for me?”

Miah

Since I have written extensively about chastity, I'll keep it brief. A chastity cage is a sexy novelty item to me. It's jewelry for my dick. It's a naughty game we play occasionally but it's not what you think. I'm not submissive unless I decide to be for a period of time. I don't hate my cock, nor has it become useless because of occasionally being caged. But, we are an open minded couple and the cage necessarily changes the sexual dynamic when it's being used. When it's on, I utilize a more feminine based sexuality and we enjoy that space until it comes off. Mostly though, I like to wear it us an accoutrement that helps minimize my bulge with certain clothing and makes me feel dreamily sexual all day long. So, yes, we enjoy chastity but I'm not a cuckold or a subbie, nor is Miss Moonstar a true Dominant. We are just an adventurous couple with a wonderfully safe sexual space.

Miss Moonstar

My interest in putting Miah's dick in a cage and exerting dominance over him can pretty much be summed up with one word, followed by an overstatement of facts. That word is REPARATIONS.....Miah=Jer is white and I'm indigenous (biracial). Ya'll motherfuckers caged my people onto reservations and stole my land, so now, I get to steal your anal cavities and cage your dicks. Lock up your husbands and grandfathers ladies, I'm coming to cage their dicks and blow out their holes!!!.....too soon?.....too far?.... You're welcome.

Amanda

I somehow didn’t think you two were into dominance and submissiveness in any serious way. I get it now. Using a cage as another part of a repertoire of sexual experiences together makes absolute sense. Miss Moonstar, you have a wicked sense of humour, though with a tinge of understandable strong feeling. I envisage a myriad of white guys clutching their privates, tightening their anal sphincters and hoping not to be found in their hiding places. Retribution indeed.

Of all your talents, Miah, music stands out as appearing to be the most important, so let’s address that topic. My question to you is “What motivates you to express yourself in music and how long have you been composing? Is there a connection between your music and your sexuality?”

Miah

Music is my God, and my drug addiction. Seriously, music has helped me through the parts of life another person cannot. Music has soothed me, inspired me, healed me, and guided me all my life. I can't explain my connection to it other than to say it's otherworldly. When I was 18, my first roommate in college had an old acoustic and taught me the chords necessary to play “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd. I've never been able to afford lessons so I just downloaded and printed tablature of my favourite songs until I learned to strum and properly form chords. I remember having the tablature for the entire OK Computer album and learning all those songs and the weird chords Johnny Greenwood used in that album. Eventually, I realized I also needed to learn to sing. In the same manner, I just hacked away until I figured out how to use my voice. It's taken years. I probably wrote my first songs in 1998. I played in a band in college where we played the songs I wrote, rudimentary as they were. Then, life happened and I stopped playing music for a decade at least. When I met Danie, all my passion for life returned and so did all my demons and fears, and those are what I write about. The trials and tribulations of an emotionally dense life. Mood music for the soul, if you will.

You asked if my music was connected to my sexuality. Of course it is. Everything I do comes from my dicks' brain, in pursuance of the honey hole. I'm a man, after all.

Amanda

Miah, that you taught yourself is really interesting. What an achievement. Yes, as a guy having two brains, it is always a struggle to know which one is motivating and making decisions on one’s behalf.

Miss Moonstar, my question to you is “I am sure you are supportive of Miah’s musical talent, so would you like to comment on this area of life with Miah?”

Miss Moonstar

Yes, I love Miah's music, I really truly do....music is pretty much the sole reason that I did not become a homicidal maniac many many years ago. Without music to be my therapist every single day, I think they might have opened Alcatraz back up to incarcerate me for the heinous atrocities that I would have committed. I have known many different types of musicians throughout my life and many of them were either, just trying to make as much noise as possible without making much sense or, they were too interested in "acting" like a musician but never actually BEING a musician. I still always tried to find something true and positive about their art to encourage them. I love all kinds of music from Jackson Browne to Tupac to Nirvana to Buddy Guy to Stevie Nicks to Alicia Keys to Ani DiFranco and everything in between and outside of those artists, including and especially Greygh0st (Miah=Jer). I am completely tone deaf and I'm partially deaf in my left ear but, I fucking know great music when I hear it. That is me exhibiting my arrogant and narcissistic side and, I apologize for that. I've done that quite often in these questions and for that, I'm truly sorry. I can't sing or play an instrument or keep a beat but, I know when something is special, musically. My body hears it before my ears do....I don't love Miah's music simply because I love Miah. I have loved people before and could not love their music because, well, they sounded like Gary Busey hate fucking Rudy Giuliani while they both had third degree explosive diarrhea (you're welcome for that imagery, by the way). I love Miah's music because it soothes me, inspires me, humbles me, etc., because it makes me feel all of the emotions that music should evoke. Every song evokes a different emotion. And, like emotions, some of Miah's songs are easier to handle than others but, they are all valid and beautiful and important. I was so relieved when I knew that he wrote and made great music. I was also relieved when I realized that he wasn't interested in pretending to "act" like a rock star. He is interested in making music. He just truly loves his art. I love and am honoured to be able to witness and be part of his creative process. Creative processes can be difficult at times for various reasons. When Miah writes these songs, the lyrics are many times, from his own experiences, and from my own personal experiences. He has had to go to these emotional places that he has not visited in a long time, or he has to kind of "temporarily tour" my mind and memories. Those things can be a shock to the system. But, they are also worthy of being inspirational. They happened, we went through those battles, and as I have reminded him many times, we found our way back, and when we did, we found each other so, it's ok to leave it all out on the paper. As in, turning those hard experiences into beautiful songs, is the best kind of redemption and reclamation and the greatest way to honour the people we were and the people we became...I've never asked him to write a song about me, or him, or us. When he comes to me and says that he has an idea for a song, I've encouraged him to write it, regardless of the concept. I have always just kind of said, "trust your instincts babe, trust your own creative and emotional intelligence, you're the musician"....

I guess I'm just trying to say that Miah is one of the best lyricists that I've ever heard and her songs are from all different perspectives and different genres, so you would have to be quite an ignorant, dark hearted, fuck-show to not be able to enjoy at least ONE of them. On top of her profoundly keen and penetrating, intuitive lyrics, comes that magical melodic voice that has calmed the raging, thunderous storm inside of me that has the propensity to leave me lost at sea. A voice that has galvanized me into taking my own power back. A voice that has brought me to my knees, with the realization that someone finally saw me, and still wanted to love me. A voice that is in my head as much as my own voice at times. A voice that is the perfect combination of sweet and savoury and tart. A voice that is impossible not to love. So yeah, I'm her biggest fan. He calls me his muse, but I just feel lucky that I get a front row seat to this magnanimous, multi faceted, beautiful soul.....plus I get to bang the singer, backstage after the show.

Amanda

Well, Miah, I knew music was important to you, but I see now just how much so. Miss Moonstar, what a powerful answer. I suspect that all amateur musicians would just love to have the support and motivation that you give to Miah.

Interviews do get lengthy and I would love to go on exploring further, but it is time to draw this to a close. My last question is not likely to be an easy one to answer, the topic requiring you to look ahead, act as a futurist and predict the possible outcomes of vitally important but contentious issues in our society. I word the question a little differently for each of you.

Miah, the attitudes and social mores of our culture seem to be gradually changing towards greater acceptance of the LGBTQ community, but much reluctance and hostility remains among the more conservative elements of our society. Both clerical and political elements are themselves conflicting on the matter, yet both camps exert much influence on the unfolding processes of acceptance and rejection. My question is "Given the sharp division between those whose thinking is "left" or "right", the assault on democracy and the preoccupation with more urgent issues such as climate change, mass migrations, and the threat of further pandemics and nuclear hostilities, what do you see for the near future of the slow trend for acceptance of the LBGTQ community and how do you feel it may affect you personally"?

Miah

I think it's important to look at the bigger picture but, when one looks from too far away, the problem can seem unsolvable and immense. The truth is, the world will never be a safe or fair place for any one type of person. Those are social ideals. The question we must ask is: are there enough quality spaces for us? Is the number of those spaces growing, and are the spaces themselves expanding? I think the current moment in time is one of growth, not suppression, as indicated by the many changing opinions about gender and race that have been seen in the past couple decades. That said, times of growth are always times of danger for the growing. We have to be strong and vigilant, while simultaneously rising above the fray. You want change? You have to be a part of it, even if it will only affect the future world. And, anyone can be a part of it by simply joining the discourse. My only prediction is that we will continue to struggle for a while, until the bullies are exposed as our biggest fans, or better, the very things they fear. Even the binary minded live in a spectrumized world, they just don't know it yet. (Yeah, I just made up a word.)

On a smaller scale, I'd say the current definitions of sex, gender and sexuality have been muddled into a variety of all encompassing words meant to be identification markers but effectively amount to political and social positions. This is helping to create the divisive arguments ensnaring non binary movements around the world. We have given up trying to explain ourselves, and we defend that with a sense of entitlement that is, sadly, defining this recent generation of freedom fighters. One of the worst things a knowledgeable person can do to an ignorant one is to hide the truth. In order to be understood, one must first admit core truths, and in this world of counter spin, that is increasingly becoming harder. Every story now conveniently has another side. I think this is the main problem with social constructs like gender and race. We've given them such meaning, they now mean too much. To some they mean everything. I think it's time to dial that back and stop attaching such importance to the individual self. If I've learned one lesson in life it is that selfishness is the fastest path to ending up alone. My advice: learn to share. Your world will immediately be a better place. And, if you can't or won't explain yourself, don't expect to be understood.

As for me personally, I just keep getting up and living the new day. I don't give a shit what people think about me much anymore because there is just not enough time in the day. All I really have to do is live life until it's gone, and treat others right while I'm here. Just like the world issues you mentioned, I have always been a polarizing character and this has always surprised me. I know myself to be good, loyal, honest and just. I've never quite understood my detractors other than to chalk them up to what could be described as a intrinsic jealousy of my free swinging gender and sexuality, or anger at my inability to label myself as trans or gay or some other binary. Otherwise, I'm not sure how a person could hate my gentle soul. After all, like Bryan Adams said, "Everything I do, I do it for you." Including my music, so if you love me, please follow my YouTube and listen!!!

PS Thank you all for taking the time and thank you Amanda, for the opportunity to share and for all the hard work you did preparing and executing this project. You are truly a shining light in this Tumblr world and I love you, girl.

Amanda

Miss Moonstar, you strike me as a woman who has strong opinions on many issues, and is prepared to be vocal about them. My question to you is similar to that which I have asked Miah but of a different focus. The question is "Given the ......what do you, as a female and a member of an ethnic minority, see for the near future of the "human rights movement", particularly those relating to ethnic and gender equality in our still male dominated society, and how do you feel it may affect you personally?"

Miss Moonstar

I think that the last four years shattered what little integrity the United States had left, in regards to the human rights movement. I am not blaming one person. I am blaming an ideal that brought people out of the woodwork to defend it. I think that it is going to take some time for us to bounce back from that. And ultimately, while there are more people now than ever who support equality and are fighting everyday for it, America never has been an equitable place for minorities of any race, gender, sexuality or otherwise. I don’t know when or why we tried to convince ourselves that this country was a haven of sanctuary. This is not a home for the free and this land was stolen from the brave so, I think that if we just admit these things to ourselves, we can begin to move forward.

Pretending that this country treats everyone equally is a mistake, and the federal government is the biggest gaslighter of that flame. The first thing that needs to happen is; all of us people who are fighting for equality and rights need to stick together. We need to stop dividing ourselves. I can guarantee that the same people who think that there is no such thing as systemic racism or police brutality against Black people are the same people who think that everyone has a right to use American Indians as they see fit, that they are owned by everyone. Using “Indianness” for nationalist pride, for advertising strategies, as a Halloween costume, a sports team, for spirituality and self help advancement, etc. But when the Indigenous people try to explain how hurtful and dehumanizing it is to have their entire ethnicity mocked, these entitled people say that Indians are being too sensitive. They are good enough to be used in every possible way but not valid enough to have sovereignty or equality, or dignity.

And THOSE particular people who think that about Black people and Indigenous people definitely do not have any regard for the gender movement. They do not have any regard for anything that is not straight, white, and christian. So, instead of the LGBTQIA+ people on one side, the Black people on another side, the Indigenous people on another, the women’s rights movement on another side, other POC over on another side, instead of that menagerie of messiness and embarrassment, how about ALL of us on the SAME side? We need to stop shitting on each other, we need to stop acting like it is acceptable to hold someone else down in order to prop ourselves up. I see a lot of gender nonconforming white people who turn a blind, deafening silent eye in regards to POC. I hear people deny the truths of systemic racism and police brutality against Black/Brown people and, in the same breath, talk about how hard it is for Indiegnous people on reservations. Admitting how much Native Americans have been fucked over is cool but, admitting that Black people have been fucked over is a hard limit? Give me a goddamn break with that bullshit.

We all need to create a safe space for each other, we need to stop pretending that fighting each other is going to change ANYTHING. Fighting the establishment that wants us to fight each other is what we should be doing. Holding the guilty accountable, not staying silent. Too many people “don’t want to get involved”, because they think that staying “neutral” is peaceful and proactive. I have news for those people, 1.) you are already involved 2.) neutrality is no longer an option, not in these regards 3.) if you can stand by and watch a Black person be mistreated by the police, or see the huge number of Indigenous women who are missing or murdered, or watch women lose reproductive rights, or watch LGBTQIA+ people fall through the cracks and lose their entire livelihood in order to gain a fraction of efficacy...if you can stand by and see all that shit (and more) happen, and then look me in the eyes and tell me that you support all of those people but, you have to remain neutral; then you are NOT neutral. You made a choice, you are just too much of a coward to admit your choice. You are the establishment that we are fighting against and we do not want your superficial, complacent bullshit.

If these things that I have said bother anyone on a deeply personal level, then I strongly urge them to look inward to find out why. I am not a hateful person, I only stand for equality and peace. Sometimes, you have to fight for peace and I prefer fighting with my mind instead of my fists. I have never once used physical violence in my life, but I have seriously considered throwing a bag of shit on Marjorie Taylor Greene’s hideous face. I am at a loss as to how to do that, though. How do I put Marjorie Taylor Greene into a bag and then take that bag of Marjorie Taylor Greene and throw it on Marjorie Taylor Greene? Talk about a fucking paradox.

PS Thank you to those of you who have supported Miah throughout the years. It brings me much warmth to know that she has so many beautiful souls in her corner. You are all some of the most special and unique humans on this earth and I am grateful for all of you. Shine on, you crazy diamonds!!

Amanda

Those are both insightful and powerful answers to a difficult question. Miss Moonstar, your words, in particular, should be shouted from the rooftops.

Well, Miah and Miss Moonstar, interviewing you as a couple has been a most interesting and informative experience and you deserve to be congratulated on having given well thought out and honest answers, many clearly from your hearts.

My hope is that those of us in our community who are willing to read and learn from the experiences of others will enjoy and find strength in reading our interview.

Thank you for opening yourselves up to us so sincerely and freely,

Take care and stay safe,

AmandaJane

#interview

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