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urlocaldesertdweller · 2 months ago

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His Ego (Stanford x Reader, PART 2)

(PART 1)

(Suggestive/borderline smut)

By request of an anon for a hate sex continuation of the link above! Also, this is a different ending from the first part!!!

(I tried rlly hard to make it something close to hate sex so I hope you can enjoy it either way)

You only can take so much from an egotistical asshole who thinks so highly of themselves. It frustrated you all the more that Stanford seemingly deemed you unworthy of his time from the say he came out of the portal.

You always had your own ways of fighting back, though, from "evidently" disturbing his private studies in the basement to inviting yourself to his outside adventures. You did this for many reasons, one to annoy him and two to discover why he hates you.

So, of course, when Dipper and Mabel told you that he was planning to return to the buried UFO behind town for further investigations. An idea of yours had struck your mind.

Self-invites were already a common thing between Ford and you. He would only tolerate you because the rest of the family would never let go of this odd, one-sided rivalry. He would mainly avoid you at all costs, even his own life, just to keep away from his own research.

But this time, you thought confidently to yourself on the hike. Things were going to be different, and that was a promise.

He handed you an extra magnet gun without making eye contact, so you'll live on the way down. He knew how much the twins and Stanley loved you. He knew that they would never forgive him if he let you die on purpose.

By the time you both finally landed in the large and dark hallways of the ship. You quickly followed behind him since he didn't care to bring a second light source for you. He had his limits, and you were, for some reason, at the top of the list (next to Bill).

A thick tension sticks between you as he stops in the room with the control room, setting his equipment, and starts to get to work. You watch him for a moment sucking a breath and gaining the courage.

As you step up next to him, you open your mouth to speak. But the moment catches up to you, and you make an awful mix of quiet screech and squeal, which makes Ford glare at you and sidestep away, still staring at you. You cover your mouth, close your eyes, cough, and gather your thoughts. You open your eyes as they harden on Ford.

Before he steps away, you grab his wrist. He is clearly confused, as you now have his full attention, and he turns his body towards you instead of the console.

"If you don't mind, can you let go of my wrist? Surely you have your own reasons for being here than to bother me."

Ford snarkily comments on your odd behavior. He looks at your hand, almost disgusted, and attempts to wiggle his lim away. But your surprising strength keeps him there. You finally speak up quickly, hushing Ford before he can comment on you again.

"Ford. You are nearing your 60s."

You grit your teeth as you think about how such an intelligent man like Ford can act bitterly to someone like yourself for some petty reason.

"What's the point of keeping up with this whole... Hate thing for me? Like, I'm actually confused about you! Why spend so much time and effort to hate on one person and have it be me?"

You are trying hard to shout as you break into a rant about all of the times he has treated you differently and how much it has affected you negatively. Your grip on his wrist goes into both of your hands on the lapels of his coat, nearly shaking him.

Ford is growing irritated not only by you putting your hands on him but also by you asking why he hates you so much. He roughly grabs your arms.

"Get a hold of yourself! You will activate something hazardous; it will all be your fault because you can't bear the fact that I strongly dislike you!"

He steps close, pushing a finger into your chest, and makes you step into the console. You chuckle as his response feels more like an excuse than anything. Your face hardens as you laugh, even in between the console and Ford. You push closer to Ford in an attempt to at least win by making him uncomfortable.

"Oh, it's going to be my fault? Of course, to you, everything is my fault when a small inconvenience happens to you!"

You are chest to chest, having to look up at Ford with his height. A finger raises to push to the tip of his nose mockingly.

"Because you think nothing bad ever comes from you, doesn't it? Isn't that right, little Mister Perfect?"

He pulls back as your finger lingers on his nose, his cheeks dust a warm pink.

"You always make assumptions about me. It's insane!"

Perhaps it's something in the aged air, but it only brings you more confidence. You stomp on his foot, and before you let him react, you take fistfuls of his coat, sweeping him to the console. He groans in pain and gasps at the suddenness of everything.

"What is it, Ford? Do you think that you are too good to even give me an answer to my question?"

He coughs as you push yourself against him. A determined look paints your expression, and he stares into your eyes, unsure of what to do. He does the occasional shift and shuffle, but your iron grip keeps him pinned and leaning comfortably on the console.

"It's anything but that! God forbid I can't be unrealistically nice to everyone on this doomed planet!"

He moves enough to leave him heaving. Eventually, it seems that the tension churns between you as you stare into each other eyes with an odd passion. You smirk until you peek at his lips; if force doesn't get the answer out, maybe being unpredictable could.

The silence speaks for itself as you roughly mash your lips into his. He gasps into the rough kiss, and he keeps his eyes open. You know how little experience Ford has in kissing and other spicy stuff, but you are more than willing to let him take on the challenge.

After a long minute or three, you tempt them to pry his soft lips with your warm tongue, and he resists, but with a hand to push his jawline, he becomes putty.

He can't help but gasp and feel his hips naturally move into yours as he steps into new foreign territory, making out. His reactions make you smirk; it encourages you to push him more as a hand rubs tenderly into the fat of his hip through his pants.

He pulls away, desperate for air; you chuckle, watching his turtleneck stretch and shift with his heaving chest. You don't wait for him; a sneaky finger finds its way to drag the turtle's neck down to reveal his delicious neck. You peck his skin from his shivering lips and strong jaw to, finally, his pale neck.

He mutters through his breath, asking you to be careful. You start with soft kisses to rough bites, making him yelp, which you shoot up, covering his mouth; you lean in close to his ear in a ticklish whisper to his ear.

"Who's going to activate something now, hm? Better hang on, Know it All, because I'm just starting."

He hums in slight confusion into your hand as he isn't prepared for your hand going from his hip to his growing bulge. You message it, pressing, twisting, poking it. His cock quickly wets the fabric making a notable stain.

He gasps and bites down on your hand. You keep it there for him; his reaction is worth every tooth mark on your hand.

He wriths under you, spitting out your hand. You expected a more suitable expression, but you were pleasantly surprised when he glared at you; he leaned to you in a raspy growl.

"I hate you... So much."

You giggle with evident delight enjoying him being pissed off. That is until you feel a hand snake around your back and push you into his hips. Catching you off guard and yelp.

Now, he is the one to smirk, and he starts to fall into an addicting rhythm between you and him. You are not happy to be caught, so off guard, your eyes twitch, and you feel your pride falter just a little.

"Don't make an old man like me all riled up and expect me to finish the job all by myself."

You sit up in one more attempt to roughly kiss him, hands, tongue, and all. He isn't surprised this time. He is a quick learner, after all. And a mix of tounges and saliva as Ford fights against you again, even during the long kiss.

He lasts longer, leaving you to pull away. You catch your breath, and listening to his comment makes you click in your brain.

"I thought you hated me. But don't you hate me nearly enough to keep me from being pushed away during intimacy?"

He stays quiet and stares at you unamused; his silence is up to you whether he truly feels about you.

Nevertheless, this is progress between you and Ford. Besides, you had a long "investigation" session with Ford in the UFO.

#ford pines x reader #stanford pines x reader #gravity falls #standford pines #ford pines #i need him #im going insane #grunkle ford #ford x reader

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beanghostprincess · 10 months ago

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I've been thinking for a while about why I like Sabosan so much as a ship (even though I don't talk much about them. My mistake, honestly. I should do it more). Because we all know that out of the ASL brothers, Ace and Luffy are the ones who seem to make more sense when it comes to shipping them with Sanji. But there's just something about Sabosan that makes me go insane...

(Long post)

Lusan is quite obvious: Captain x His cook. Cook who starves as a metaphor for selflessness and who's always giving instead of taking x Captain who devours the whole world because he appreciates selfishness and freedom but is willing to starve to save his cook. Careless x Anxious. Sun x Ocean. Both are always sacrificing themselves but Luffy is at least aware of the value of his own life while Sanji sees himself as dispensable. They both work so well together because Luffy sees Sanji as kindness itself and what a cook truly needs to be (keep in mind that food is crucial for OP's story and it represents happiness most of the time) and he makes him want to seek freedom and his own desires. Sanji is a dreamer and he's hopeful yet extremely pessimistic when it comes to his persona, and Luffy is equally as hopeful but he despises his nakama seeing himself as unworthy of being in his crew. They both get each other's weaknesses and strengths and, okay, Luffy might not truly get Sanji completely but he doesn't need to as long as he sees the kindness in him and realizes everything he does, he does it for others. While Sanji sees Luffy as an escape from the prison he's always been locked in. My beloveds. Perfect dynamic (not going to make a whole analysis because I already talk about them enough here).

The thing is, Ace is also a perfect match for Sanji for a lot of reasons: You see, I think we can see a lot of similarities between them, especially the ones Luffy can't understand by himself but can link to both. Ace's way of dealing with depression and self-deprecation is to lean on his brothers and find a reason to live on them. If they love him, then at least it will have been worth it being alive. The same thing goes for Sanji, I think. It's not that he's actively suicidal. I don't think either of them seeks death, but they do think about it a lot and what the world would be like without them. Sanji sees himself as dispensable while Luffy can't believe a word he's saying, but Ace? Ace understands. He's been years thinking he shouldn't be alive. That he was a mistake. And the same thing goes for Sanji, growing up in a family that constantly told him he shouldn't exist and even faked his death. Once again, same thing with Ace and hiding his identity from the world. Ace knows he's loved, even if he has a hard time admitting why people like Sabo and Luffy would love him. But they do. It's a fact, even if it's hard to believe. And he keeps going thanks to their love and to protect them. Ace, although his personality might seem cocky and selfish and careless at first (which it is, but you know), he's extremely selfless when it comes to the people he loves. He literally lives thanks to them. Sanji basically does the same thing. Both of them cope with sabotaging themselves and they don't really value their lives unless it's someone else (cof cof Luffy cof cof) the one giving them a reason to keep going. I think Acesan works great as a ship because, from a more psychological point of view, like- Ace was born to be a brother. His whole character is created and introduced as Luffy's brother. Of course, he's more than that, but his chill and laid-back personality with sprinkles of emotional maturity only comes from growing up too fast because he desperately needed to take care of his little brother. Sanji desperately needs that type of connection with somebody and instantly feels attracted to protective people because he has never been protected before. Sanji has only been hurt by his brothers, so of course it's natural that he's astonished when he sees Ace for the first time being oh so kind and loving to Luffy. That's what he wanted. And it makes his heart melt instantly. Besides, going for a more personality thing here, Sanji is pretty repressed (when it comes to his memories. His gender. His sexuality. His feelings) while Ace (although he hides a lot of issues) is wayyy more proactive when it comes to what he wants. Sanji is scared to walk on earth, and Ace takes the world as his personal playground because he wants to be something that people remember that won't include mentioning his father. He wants to do something for himself. And talking about fathers, even if their daddy issues aren't the same, they both have grudges. And you know what else they have in common? Their gorgeous, blonde, dead mothers who died for them. Instant bond. They fit perfectly.

Now, about Sabosan:

If we're starting with the things they have in common, this is gonna be a wild ride. Both are nobles born in a family that absolutely did not love them but wanted them anyway for different (failed) purposes. They both escaped from those families but people thought they were dead for a long time, and their parents easily just found a substitute for them without caring much about what happened. Saying they have trauma is an understatement. They both escape from those lives completely, form new bonds with new people, and start a family somewhere else. And then they have to deal with that again and, not only that but suffer from the beautiful survivor's guilt that comes from not being able to save their siblings. I know Sabo's survivor's guilt is even worse because his bond with Ace was way stronger, but I think there's a part of Sanji who feels awful for Reiju and what she chooses to be a part of when she's actively different from their brothers too. Once again mentioning the self-sabotaging behavior and self-sacrificing acts because they're extremely selfless and have strong morals that lead them to these things. It's fundamentally different because I think Sanji is way more of a feeler than Sabo, but-- But the core of their personalities really is being extremely protective of the things they love and their ideals. It's not only the fact that they could bond over their pasts (and could easily be the only people understanding each other completely) but also the fact that their personalities fit perfectly. They balance each other. They're not the most mentally stable people in the world, but I think Sanji's issues are more similar to Ace's, and Sabo would know how to handle them. While Sanji is a natural caretaker and would not hesitate to take care of Sabo's breakdowns and episodes (because, sue me for being realistic, I think this guy has a personality disorder and depressive episodes and a bunch of other stuff. Just like Sanji, really. I mean- To me they're a very people pleaser BPD haver who has probably an eating disorder and anxiety x very overprotective Bipolar insomniac with memory issues. Maybe that's just me and my headcanons).

I am not going to be a nerd about them. But I am going to be a nerd about them. *pulls out MBTI profiles*

Sanji prioritizes connecting with other people. He's extremely empathetic and his core needs are to be liked and to help others. His ideals are focused on the suffering of others and how to help them. He's very structured when it comes to what he wants to achieve, but he often puts others before his own needs instead of actually taking what he wants, and that affects him negatively. Not to mention his sense of depersonalization and hatred towards himself and where he comes from. And how that makes him sabotage himself and think he's not worthy of the love people offer him. This is kind of exactly what Ace goes through too and that's why I think Sabo would be able to help him. He's loyal and trustworthy and he would do anything for his loved ones and morals. Something that, again, matches Sabo completely. His sense of ethics is very intense and focuses mainly on empathy. He seeks love, attention, and praise from others. And he's also extremely hopeful for his dreams. He never stops believing in the All Blue or Luffy, just in himself. Which shows his sense of trust and loyalty but also his low appreciation towards himself.

Sabo, on the other hand, is a more meticulous person. I know he seems like he loses control often, but he doesn't follow his feelings as much as it looks. He's more logical and he doesn't follow what he wants but what he thinks it's right for others and society. That being said, he also will do whatever the fuck he wants if he feels like it because he's chaotic like that. He has very strong morals and focuses on finding solutions to the world's problems. Instead of focusing on one thing, he sees the whole picture and specializes in many things at once and chooses what to fight for instead of following his feelings. He often has to make difficult choices regarding his loved ones, and even if he would do anything if Luffy was in trouble when it comes to the greater good, he doesn't hesitate to do what's more reasonable regarding his ethics. However, he has a strong sense of protection and his anxiety also is a huge part of his personality, so that's pretty much when he loses control. He feels mostly responsible for what happens around him and always wants to be the one in control and fears losing the ones he loves.

The main difference between them, I'd say, is that Sabo is pretty much revengeful and his personality has a strong part of hatred towards humanity and the ones who have hurt him and society. His whole thing is fighting against them, too. Unlike Sanji, who even if he is able to hate people, he doesn't seem to be able to actually hurt them in a meaningful way because his kind personality makes him unable to do so (unless the people he's fighting go against his morals. Like having hurt a woman or wasting food or whatever). Not that Sabo isn't kind, but he knows how to stand up for himself and his morality and he can tell perfectly between right and wrong in a very black-and-white sense, while Sanji (even if he goes to extremes quite a lot) lets himself be used and he doesn't harm others the way they harm him (not to confuse with "played with" because Sanji is not that easily manipulated. He knows what's going on all the time. He just lets himself be used if it will protect the ones he loves or if it goes against his kindness and morality).

So I think (and this is the part where I explain how this relationship would work) that Sabo would be able to protect Sanji. It's not that Sanji needs protecting because at the end of the day, he can fight back and he can stand up for himself, but that's only when it comes to fights that don't have to do with him personally and only with his morals. Sabo has a very calm facade. A very gentleman-like personality, even if he's still as chaotic as his brothers. But he's more gentle. He's softer, too, in a way, because he analyzes what people need. He approaches things in a very protective but soothing way. Like, he could burn disgusting men alive for Sanji, turn around at him and say everything's fine and Sanji would straight-up believe him and then blush uncontrollably and then hit him for being reckless. In that order. I don't think Sanji likes feeling weak, because he has this thing in common with Sabo in which he doesn't like not being in control. But I think he needs this. He needs to be held and taken care of sometimes. He needs to let himself be weak around others. And Sabo wants somebody to protect because he couldn't do it with his siblings. I think Sabo would be gentle and patient with Sanji while also bringing silliness and the typical brightness the ASL brothers have in common. He'd be chaotic with him and Sanji would definitely get mad at him for stealing food or wanting to do the deed (keeping it safe for work my pals, but yeah, Sabo would be horny 24/7 and would not let Sanji cook. He wants to fuc-) while he's busy. But! But also Sabo would take care of him and would analyze the patterns. He would notice when he eats. What he eats. If he eats at all. He would worry about his sleep schedule and whether he's overworking himself or not (because surprise! He does the same thing). And Sabo would also love every part of him and have such deep hatred for the ones who have hurt him. I think Sabo would want to take revenge but Sanji would strongly refuse and Sabo would absolutely love that about him. "You're better than me, I would've set your family on fire. But this is what makes you so kind" type of thing. Basically, Sabo is fucking batshit crazy but he's silly and kind and talks like a revolutionary French man in the 18th century and Sanji loves him. Also, Sanji has a history with craycray people because Pudding is not okay mentally either and look at him, being down bad. Sabo loves Sanji for the same reasons Luffy does, he's just kindness itself and Sabo is so full of hatred that he truly, really needs somebody like him.

And Sanji? Sanji just absolutely loves how protective Sabo is. When it comes to his family and his friends and his morals and beliefs. After being surrounded by people who did not care about anything during his childhood and also being extremely scared of ending up being like them, Sanji appreciates that strong sense of protectiveness and the humanity that comes with loving something/somebody so much. That's what Sanji needs, basically. Sanji likes that Sabo is caring and gentle and always keeps an eye on literally everyone and everything. He likes the brightness and joy that comes with Sabo too, because he might be calculative but he's also impulsive when it comes to his needs and likes. Luffy might be the representation of liberation in a godly way, but Sabo is the realistic personification of freedom. And as much as I love Lusan and making religious imagery metaphors, I think those fit Zolu way more because Sanji needs to be realistic with this and Sabo is the one who can make him see life this way. He would also care a bit too much about Sabo's health because everyone knows it's fucked up and he's willing to die if it's for the revolution. It's not like he doesn't appreciate his life, in fact, he does. He knows he is crucial to society and can't die. But if it's for the greater good he would leave Sanji and Koala and Luffy behind and die. He doesn't want to do that to them and he'd desperately try not to because he values his worth, but... Y'know. It's not that he doesn't care about living, but he cares too much that he ends up hurting himself and overworking. And Sanji does that too, but seeing it from the outside with an empathetic personality like his is just... Painful.

So while Sabo shows Sanji how to be free and feels hatred for the both of them, Sanji is the kindness in the world Sabo is looking for and gives him something to put his mind at ease when it's filled with demons. And also, they get each other's pasts and trauma on a fundamental level that not a lot of people do.

I don't know how their relationship could start, really, but it could happen in a simple way such as: Sabo pays a visit to the crew (fuck the timeline btw, choose whichever arc you like or just ignore canon) and meets Sanji. Offers to help him cook (fails because he fucking sucks at cooking and he just wanted to help and actually he just ends up flirting with him and eating the ingredients) and stays with him to clean the dishes (something he can't do either because he won't stop talking and being overly distracted). And Sanji just- He's just so similar to both Ace and Luffy but in a more mature and gentle way, somehow? He brings peace to him but there's just something wrong with him deep inside Sanji can't quite catch, but feels connected to. Like they both just get each other, pretending they're fine but knowing they're not and also just enjoying each other's presence. Sabo feels captivated by the cook because he feels like there's just so much more he's hiding from him, and Sabo has always liked analyzing every little thing (<- writer behavior. We as a society need to talk more about how Sabo wants to be a writer canonically). Maybe Sabo starts visiting more often or stays for a while, but the thing is they grow closer because they keep wanting to know each other more. Perhaps a fight against some marines happens and Sabo goes full protective of him or Luffy and Sanji is extremely turned on by that (who wouldn't after seeing Sabo break skulls like eggs). And maybe they end up fucking, and it's not rough, but it's not extremely soft either? It's the perfect mix of possessiveness and care and somehow Sanji still feels in control all the way through. And I don't want to mention the cigarette of doom but Sabo lighting up Sanji's cigarette for him would be extremely intimate but also would make Sanji worry because every time this happens, he ends up creating a strong bond with that someone and something goes wrong. So they like each other a lot but there's always this layer of anxiety? Like they care too much for the other to say what they are but they refuse to lose each other. And Luffy either keeps telling Sabo to not still his cook or teasing Sabo for liking his cook, no in between. But yeah, let's make them go into a relationship:

Clingiest mfs on planet earth. Can't stand them. Sanji is down bad and is turned on by every little thing Sabo does but also can't stand him when he gets annoying and ends up yelling at him like an angry housewife. Sabo often takes that as flirting and starts teasing him more, being really into PDA and also being extremely soft. Sabo says the most romantic things in the world and expects Sanji not to fall for him??? Okay. But it's not only Sanji who blushes because then he keeps feeding Sabo his favorite food and smiling at him and Sabo suddenly feels dumb and weak in the knees and has the need to laugh like a high school girl in a rom-com. Sabo is extremely possessive and I think as a fandom we all agree on that, but it's not even in a toxic way. Sanji likes it. Let them be like that. And as I said, they'd take care of each other when one is overworking himself or having nightmares or not being able to sleep or function properly. They'd be each other's anchors and they would completely understand the other.

I don't know, I just think they fit perfectly <3 Killer Queen and Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy? Yes. Anti-Hero and Mastermind? Yes. Sky x Ocean? Of course, fuck other dynamics, this one hits different. They mean the world to me 🩵💙🩵💙🩵

To end this, I gotta say that they also look extremely hot together. I think the post would've been shorter if I just said I want both of them to kiss because it would look good, but I love analyzing the shit out of my favorite characters.

Tagging my awesome mootie @tinukis because he gave me the idea for a Sabosan analysis!!!! Thought you might be interested <3 Also, here's the post that made me think about it !!!!

#i could've made a better analysis but this is what happens when you wake up at 6 am to go to work #anyway they're my beloveds #also sabo being taller than sanji grrrrr bark bark woof #i've been avoiding focusing on the sex part here but DO YOU KNOW HOW HOT THEY'D BE TOGETHER???#sabo king of flirting i just know sanji's dying #i can't believe i write an analysis like this and then i start talking about sex shame on me #i'm going crazy about this two and they haven't even talked #they make me go insane #one piece #black leg sanji #revolutionary sabo #sabosan

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astridthevalkyrie · 4 months ago

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Re: Your strong feelings against Regina - I won't be hard pressed bc it won't change my opinion (sorry my love for her is too great) but I'm curious to read if you've rambled at all about why you dislike her so strongly?

LOLL i've done a few rambles over the years and i tend to hatepost whenever i rewatch clips but i don't think i've ever done like a full on explanation on why. and yes please feel free to love her! idc how anyone feels about a fictional character.

some stuff i do like about her: lana parilla is obv very talented and pretty, her and jmo have rlly good chemistry, sometimes her one liners are super funny ("the entire charming family and their pirate mascot" is fucking hilarious i wish she said more stuff like that).

but tldr—she did way too many bad things and never properly redeemed herself for them.

in the first two seasons she does, like, incredibly bad stuff LMAO, including but not limited to: ruining snow's life after killing her dad, killing entire villages, casting the curse and the subtle ways she tortures snow in it, abusing henry (who is in therapy because he's told he's "crazy" for saying that he's aging while everyone else stays the same age), sacrificing children to the blind witch, the entire situation with graham (that she never confesses to, emma never finds out), trying to poison emma after emma tells her she's already leaving because she couldn't stand emma being in henry's life at all, separating the mad hatter from his daughter in the curse even though the last time they saw each other the mad hatter helped her and she betrayed him+making him remember his real self for some extra bout of torture, kills a little boy's dad bc the dad didn't want to drop his entire life and move into town so that she could fulfill her sudden dreams of motherhood, then later taunts that boy when he's an adult about how she killed his dad.

and what happened to her with daniel and cora's abuse is definitely really bad, it just doesn't even come close to justifying any of this for me. she didn't need to marry snow's dad. she gets rid of cora and sends her to wonderland before she's married. she stays because she likes the feeling of magic and the idea of being queen (rumple is obviously a huge part of why she turned out the way she did, "hooking" her on a magic which ouat tries to compare to drug use, but the murderous intent was in her before she even met him).

and then her redemption. hooo boy. it starts in season 2, with her just deciding not to actively do harm because she wants henry to love her. not a bad start. then she tries to destroy the well that snow and emma want to come back from (to be fair, she does this to stop cora, but she knows emma and snow dying is a possibility and is very cool with this bc it'll make her henry's only mom). she then is upset that everyone in town isn't automatically cool with her, for some reason gets credit for "saving" snow and emma (from a trap! that she! set!), and when cora does come back, she teams up with her. like. the lady who actually killed daniel and ruined regina's life. that lady. teams up with her. stands by as her mother kills snow's nanny even though they already got what they wanted. and THEN she's angry that snow had the nerve to do to cora what regina's done to dozens of people and kill her.

and then for the rest of the show there's just no point where there's time for regina's redemption because they're always dealing with the next villain. peter pan, then zelana, then the snow queen, so on and so forth. at some point she's just decided to be redeemed and anyone who argues with that point either changes their mind or is portrayed by the narrative as a villain. some of her one liners that a lot of the fandom think are so cool make me beyond angry LMAO like she tells david "i will not be given parenting advice by a man who shipped his daughter off in a box" GIRL??? BECAUSE OF YOU??? the show continuously pushes the blame onto snow and david (but especially snow) for giving emma up as though they had a choice. regina knew about rumple's prophecy. she knew snow and charming's daughter would break the curse. she was not gonna let that baby live if snow and charming hadn't sent her away.

snow and charming and emma's characters are all completely turned into dust for her too. emma is forced to grovel because she brought back a woman from the past that regina wrongfully executed bc it happens to be maid marian. snow and charming do uncharacteristic "evil" things so that they can be like "see! they're all good and bad!" when even ooc snow and charming's worst doesn't compare to regina's best.

#anti regina mills #i literally call her my most hated character ever i'm so sorry 😭

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dat-carovieh · 1 year ago

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I don't fear you, I fear for you

Ship: Geraskier

Rating: T

Wordcount: 844

Tags: potions, misunderstanding, worried Jaskier, self hating Geralt, first kiss

Read on AO3

As Geralt was returning to his camp, he was covered in grime, potions still running hot through his veins. The Kikimore had been a tough one, in the end he had cut open it’s belly and had been showered with the dark red, nearly black blood that had splattered out. He knew he was looking gruesome. People had run away from him, screaming before when they had encountered him like that or even looking less horrible. The snow-white skin under the blood and the black eyes weren’t helping at all.

When he entered the clearing Jaskier turned around and stared at Geralt. Until now he had been unphased by everything he had seen, had sticked to Geralt, even told him he was a good person. Geralt didn’t believe a thing he said. He wouldn’t hide this gruesome side of himself from the bard, better to have him run off early on. Getting attached was not good for a Witcher. Obviously, he already was on his way to get way to attached.

And sure enough he smelled the sharp sting of fear. It hurt more then he expected. He had never smelled fear in the bard in the few weeks he had been following him around. Jaskier was standing frozen in place, staring at Geralt.

“You wanna run now?” he asked in a gravely voice. This seemed to snap Jaskier out of his stupor and he did run but not away but at Geralt. Geralt couldn’t do anything except staring at him, frozen in place.

“Shit Geralt, what happened? Have you been poisoned? Will you be alright?” His hands on Geralt, looking for injuries.

Geralt didn’t know what to say as Jaskier grabbed his hand and pulled him to their camp. Touching him while most people would not even get close to him when he looked like that. What was the bard doing? He was still reeking of fear. Why didn’t he run then? Why did he even touch him? Geralt’s mind wasn’t processing at all.

“Sit down Geralt, come on,” Jaskier said and pushed him down to sit on a log. Jaskier crouched down to stare into Geralt’s black eyes. “Please talk to me. I’m freaking out here, Geralt. What’s happened to you? How can I help?” And suddenly it became clear to Geralt, Jaskier wasn’t afraid of him he was afraid for him. Geralt had a hard time processing this, never had a human seen him like this and been afraid for him.

“’m fine,” he mumbled.

“Fine? You don’t look fine, Geralt. I didn’t even know a person’s skin could be so pale without them being dead and these black lines on your face look very much like you’ve been poisoned. Are you positive you haven’t been? You look like you’re dead.”

“It’s my potions. It passes. They’re toxic but my body can easily fight that off,” Geralt explained.

“You voluntarily drink something that is toxic? That’s fucked up,” Jaskier answered. “How can I help you?”

“Just some water and rest,” Geralt answered. Jaskier hurried off to bring Geralt some water and then actually left him alone. It didn’t take long for the potion to pass his system after that. He felt worn out like always after it had worn off, Jaskier probably wasn’t too wrong. Consuming something toxic voluntarily wasn’t the best thing. He had changed out of the ruined clothes and cleaned himself the best he could out here.

“You reeked of fear when you saw me, but you didn’t act scared,” Geralt said after a while. Jaskier looked up.

“I did act scared. You probably didn’t recognise since usually people are scared of you and not for you,” Jaskier explained. So, Jaskier really had not been scared of him. And he was right, Geralt didn’t know how it was.

Jaskier got up and knelt down in front of Geralt. He lifted a hand and gently stroked Geralt’s cheek.

“You always think I will run off screaming but I won’t, Geralt. I’m not scared of you; I know you won’t harm me. But it’s reasonable to fear that you might get killed with all the monster hunting,” Jaskier explained. His hand still on Geralt’s cheek. Without realizing Geralt had been leaning into the touch and Jaskier’s thumb was gently stroking his cheek.

Geralt felt overwhelmed. No one had ever genuinely cared about him. He grabbed Jaskier’s wrist but didn’t push it away, just let his hand linger there as he looks into Jaskier’s blue eyes.

“Your eyes are getting gold again,” Jaskier whispered.

“Potion’s wearing off,” Geralt explained. Their faces were impossible close, it only felt natural as they leaned forwards and their lips brushed against each other. Geralt’s senses still heightened from the potions, he felt nearly overwhelmed but didn’t want to pull back as he wrapped his arms around Jaskier. There was no resistance as he pulled the bard closer. Jaskier just leaned more into him.

#Geraskier #Geraskier fic #my writing #my Witcher writing #The Witcher #Geralt x Jaskier

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zandra-lang-cave · 2 years ago

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Well so, apparently people like the first part so I decide to make more. It was suppose to be just one small story but now I Have alot of ideas so now this is a series, no plot just shenanigans in space but still. This a thing now.

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Humans are weird is common knowledge around the galaxy. They live in a extremely dangerous planet yet somehow managed to survive the hostile place. Human are resileant, surprisingly strong and smarter than they look.

So, with all that knowledge, Casey panic was both amusing and worrisome to the four individuals on the resting station.

"Casey get out of the closet!" Screams the doctor of the ship.

"I'm a pan disasters and I'm proud!" the captain scream

"I mean the literal closet" the seekat spoke with an uninpress tone. Her antennas shaking slightly.

"In your God damn dreams" says the human of the ship.

"OH for the stars. I already told you, aticus is not a cockroach. He looks like one but he is not" marcy tried to reason "can you please just get out alredy"

"Yeah he is, he is small, insect like and potentially radioactive immune. He is a cockroach!" Casey states.

"He is sentient, you are hurting his feelings" marcy says.

"Don't worry doc, I'm use to it. It comes with being "unattractive" to most creatures" aticus says while he rest on a wall.

"It doesn't matter aticus, this stop being funny a long time ago" she says while trying to open the closet door by force.

"Speak for your self" says the golem "I'm loving this!"

"It's certainly amusing" says Randal while hiding a smirk behind his 6 finger hand.

"No its not" says the doctor.

"Look If me being here is gonna be a problem, maybe I should see to joining other crew" says the smalles creature. A resign tone in his voice could be heard.

"Not if I have a says in the matter" marcy says "look Casey, I know you have a irrational fear-"

"It's not irrational!" The human interrupt "I grew up surrounded by them all the time. Cockroach are gross, disgusting and get everywhere!"

"You say it your self, cockroach do all that" marcy says trying to reason with her captain "aticus is not a cockroach. He is a Tarlux. a small, insect like being with psychic abilities. He is not gonna hurt you"

"Honestly I really can't even If I tried. I kind of the runt of my batch, my psychic abilities are the weakest of my siblings" aticus claims "that's why I join this crew, I can help more has a medic"

"Look I know you can't harm me. Honestly No cockroach can, but its... it's hard to keep that in mind when every time I see you I can only remember something... bad that happen to me" Casey admites, the shame she felt could be heard in her voice.

There was silent in the room, no one new how to react. This was Casey the human, their captain strong enough to break a golem body. Hearing her so bulnerable seems wrong.

"This isn't fun anymore" says sandy.

"There's gotta be something we can do to get the captain to interact with the new guy. Because I would really like for him to stay, he is cool" spoke Randal while he tried looking a solution in their holopad.

Marcy stays thinking in silent then spoke in a gentle tone "then maybe we should start one step at a time" The doctor got close to the closet and put one of her tentacles in the door "can you open the door so you can meet my assistant and newest member of the crew?"

There was silent In the room before the captain spoke "I can get close... just don't touch me aticus please" she says in a whisper.

"I promise not to lady Casey" says Atticus.

The closet door opens and Casey got out of it slowly.

"You are polite one" the human says while getting close to the wall where the Tarlux rest. The doctor following behind her with 4 of her tentacles arround her body "That's good for a medic assistance, specially If you are going to work with miss grumpy here" she says pointing at the seekat.

"She is a menace but very cool to work with" the Tarlux spoke "the name is Atticus the fifteen, from the north colony in the planet Huetsi from the nova system"

"Pleasure to meet you, the name is Casey, from Baltimore city in the planet earth from the solar system" the human spoke "sorry for my outburst, Is gonna take time for that to not happen again but I promise you did nothing wrong" she finish.

"Don't worry, it's good enough apology if you let me stay in your crew" He says.

"Please says yes captain" Randal says.

"Please say yes he is really cool" the golem pleads.

The captain stays silent with a thinking face for a moment "well, whe can talk about it during dinner" she finish.

"Don't worry" the doctor spoke "I can convince her" she jokes.

Everyone laugh while they start walking to the dinning station.

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And done, I think I'm gonna call this series, shenanigans in spaces. That summarize everything.

#humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are emotional #bad aliens #aliens #i tried my best with them #but they are still very basic #shenanigans #shenanigans in space #the doc and the captain are GF #its not too relevent but posible in the next parts is more obvious #i love them i have so many ideas #golem is a dubm they/them #randal is just the middle child #atticus trives in caos #Marcy is the only one with brain cells #she is a queen

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oneatlatime · 1 year ago

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The Winter Solstice part 2: Avatar Roku

This episode opens with a complete cul de sac of a conversation. I guess it was for character development? We already know Sokka and Katara are ride or die, but I like the idea of Appa getting to express opinions and be understood and listened to.

My thanks to this guy for moving the plot along.

Zuko is back to being an asshole. And he was so much more interesting last episode.

Zuko is only 16? I thought he was at least mid-twenties. He's in charge of a whole ship at 16. That's an alarming notion.

You know I haven't even met this firelord guy yet but something tells me that Iroh is right and Zuko is giving him too much credit. I'm kind of impressed by how much of a shadow the firelord character is casting over the show without even being introduced yet.

I don't get Katara's point here. It's too dangerous is exactly the reason they're there? It's a killer line but I don't think it makes sense? Also what is with their faces here? Sokka's poor teeth.

This asshole. I was hoping he was a single episode character. He's so good at being a villain that he undermines Zuko as the main villain. Although judging by the reaction of the guy on the left, Zhao's villainy is not typical of fire nation military. He's unusually evil. Also since when is Zuko a traitor? And why does Zhao wear a toga outside of his armour?

Going above the cloud ceiling actually made it worse. Did not see that coming. I have no knowledge of meteorology or whatever the relevant science is, but if they're high enough up to be above the cloud ceiling, shouldn't it be getting hard to breathe?

How. You know it's a good thing that airbenders were all monkly before they disappeared because I think they're all secretly one man armies.

Zhao is a butt, but he's a clever butt. Zuko probably would know more, although in this instance I don't know that he does? Unless that villager he kicked through the door told him. Actually that's probably why Zuko was so close on their tail. So yeah, Zhao is a clever butt.

I know the feeling buddy.

I know that feeling too.

Sokka very solidly being relegated to comic relief in this episode.

Surely if the temple was abandoned it wouldn't be so well swept? Or lit?

Airbenders once again being a one man army.

I was about to point out that there was no way they could know where they were going, but the show beat me to it. Points for self-deprecation.

Avatars can bend magma? Would that be earth bending? Or firebending because of the heat? Or waterbending because it's liquid? Actually, can water bending bend all liquids, or only water based ones? Could waterbenders bend oil? Can anyone?

I know as little about vulcanology as I know about meteorology, but wouldn't it be kind of hot walking there?

This sage's speech here is really well done. Worldbuilding, plus one hundred years of historical context, plus real world consequences to both the Avatar's disappearance and the firelords who took advantage of it. Of course the avatar never appearing would have consequences. Things have gotten warped. Also interesting that the sage uses the word 'hope.' What were they hoping for the next Avatar to do? Were the sages originally against a fire nation war? Were they hoping the avatar would appear and defeat the fire lord who started the war before it really got started? Has this 'Aang defeats the firelord' plan been in place for 100 years?

Sokka not being relegated to comic relief after all! I'd love to know the context of Sokka's dad inventing fake firebending and then feeling the need to pass it on to his son too. A party trick? Actually that would be pretty tasteless (or pretty gallows humour) given that they're southern water tribe.

How is this bridge still standing. Also pretty.

Sokka and Katara proving that they share a brain. Both a good plan, and a good save. Seeing them bounce off each other is always fun.

Momo has the most adorable sneeze!

"What took you so long?" Never has a rebuke been delivered in a more friendly way.

What is with the stairs in this temple? First Zuko can sneak up unheard, then Zhao and a whole crew/platoon/brigade/whatever shows up without anyone noticing? Is this temple carpeted?

So Aang has a maximum of about seven months to learn three other elements to a high enough standard to be able to defeat the firelord and whatever armies he brings with him. No pressure.

BADASS!!!!! You guys are screwed!!!!!!

Lava bending! Magma bending? Badass bending!

Momo saves the day! Did not see that coming!

This whole sequence is so good.

Zhao does not see nuance. Kind of satisfying to see that all the Fire sages are royally screwed. That's frankly quite realistic. Remember in school when one kid misbehaved so the whole class had to miss recess? Same energy from Zhao. Makes sense too: dictatorial empires are not interested in mercy or fairness.

I love the lighting on Zuko's boat. Very yummy textures.

And just like the southern air temple, this one also makes the correct decision and ends on silence.

Credits tell me that one of the voices this episode was done by someone with the abominably badass name of Clement von Frankenstein.

Can you believe these two shots are from the same episode? So pretty.

Final thoughts

I honestly forgot that this was part two of a two part episode. It was pretty much 1000% standalone.

This episode is also good. I think I preferred part 1, because the fire nation in general does get on my nerves a little. Part 1 had Zuko and Iroh being alternatively stupid and badass, which was fun to see. But I'm finding increasingly that Zuko and Iroh are not at all representative of the fire nation in general, and the fire nation in general annoys me. This episode is still really good, and it set up a whole lot for the rest of the season, but it also had Zhao the butt, so points off for that.

Sokka fell hundreds, if not thousands, of feet and is totally fine with it to the point where it never gets brought up again. As Sokka, or as Sokka's sister, I would have had to lie down for a bit after that.

Seeing Aang and company with the addition of the fire sage work as a team is fun, and I like how much understated yet important work Appa and Momo had to do this episode. Appa got them there safely through a hail of flaming whatever-those-were, Momo played Aang's shadow behind the firebending door and retrieved Appa when the temple was sinking, and Appa got them out of there again. They would be so lost without Appa.

There really wasn't much Katara this episode. There wasn't much Sokka either.

How are Aang and friends going to get out past the fire nation blockade again? How is Zuko?

The fact that Zuko is only 16 is something I'm going to have to turn over in my head for a bit. Learning that rattled me. I would say at first that he doesn't feel 16, but looking back at previous episodes with the knowledge of his age, I'm going to have to reevaluate all those times I called him an ass. Maybe he was just being 16. It feels crazy to put a 16 year old on a globetrotting manhunt and in charge of a ship, but this is a world where the Kyoshi warrior ladies are led by a girl Sokka's age, and a pair of teenagers are escorting a child avatar across the world with no adult supervision. Some of this is cartoon logic - it's a kids' show, so the heroes will be viewers' ages or close on, but also, every time I catch myself wondering where the responsible adults are, I have to remind myself that the war ate them up. I thought before this episode (when I thought Zuko was older) that it was a reflection of the state of the war that the fire nation had adults fighting while the other nations were reduced to relying on children/teenagers, but finding out Zuko is a teenager too puts a whole different spin on that. Seems this war has been universally destructive.

Zhao was determined to arrest Zuko (again, why is Zuko a traitor suddenly? Is it because he won the duel thing?) but the (bad) fire sages didn't try to stop Zuko; in fact they worked under his command. So I'm guessing Zhao's opinion of Zuko isn't the fire nation's opinion of him? Actually, is there any indication that the fire sages knew who Zuko was when he showed up?

This episode had good fights, lots of pretty heavy plot stuff and exposition stuff, both for what's coming and for the past and present state of their world. Not much in the way of humour, which makes sense given the subject matter. This episode could have devolved into an infodump, but it didn't.

I'm happy to see how consistently this show is sticking to the idea of consequences that can't be handwaved. Avatar disappears leads to fire sages losing hope. Fire nation going to war leads to previously non-partisan group getting twisted into serving the nation, to the point where they become the enemy of their previous purpose, which can be done to them partially because they have lost hope. Related: that one fire sage did not have to go against his fellow sages and his order's bastardised purpose. He could have taken the easy path, especially since the fire sages' purpose was changed long before he was born, probably. That's some impressive strength of character, to be loyal to an idea that basically died out before you were born. Given Zhao's general nature, all of the fire sages would have been arrested at the end of the episode regardless of what happened because Zhao had to have someone to blame, but that one sage couldn't know that. He's had weeks to come to a clear-eyed decision to betray the corrupt principles of his whole order/career/role. And he does! Good for him.

Now we have our ticking clock for the rest of the season. I loved what Roku said about how Aang will be able to learn the other bending styles because he's done it before. It establishes this permeability and connection between Aang and Roku, and maybe other avatars too. It kind of drives home that Aang isn't just a fun kid (although he absolutely is and I hope he never loses that), he's also something greater, bigger, older. He's like a cosmic entity, or a semi-divine being. And thank goodness he is such a goof, because a cosmic entity or a semi-divine being with unmatched and unmatchable skills and power that was also wrathful, or prideful, or any other negative quality, instead of a goofy happy peaceful kid would be apocalyptic.

That being said, this connection to Roku also goes kind of dark: how much of Aang is Aang? How much is an avatar an individual, as opposed to the sum of avatars that came before them? Can you separate the incarnation from the avatar? Will Aang ever get to belong to himself?

The fire sages are mostly quite old, and the last avatar was during their grandfathers' time. Is there anyone alive who remembers what it was like to live in a world where there is an avatar active? Bumi is very old, but he's Aang's age, so assuming becoming the avatar is something that happens when you're born or soon after, Bumi probably won't remember the last avatar. There was the old man from last episode that recognised Aang's airbender tattoos or clothes. Maybe he remembers the previous avatar? How closely do the last avatar dying and the air nomads getting wiped out coincide?

For that matter, even if Aang saves the world and gets reinstalled globally as the Avatar, does anyone know how to operate in a world where he's present? How do you address an avatar? Are you supposed to invite him to political events? Is he supposed to have a say in nations' internal conflicts? What is the avatar office and responsibilities in the human world? Is there even space for, or a need for, an avatar anymore, beyond the obvious 'defeat the fire nation' angle? What if, over the last century, people have taken over covering what were originally avatar responsibilities? Do those get given back to Aang? Are there any jobs that can only be performed by the avatar that have been left hanging for 100 years? How much clean up is Aang going to have to do? How many spirits like the black and white spirit from part 1 have been rampaging unpacified for a century? Are there whole swaths of the world made uninhabitable by unhappy spirits?

All the above questions could apply to a world that hasn't seen an airbender in a century too.

Also imagine how much it would have sucked being alive during the time when Aang originally should have appeared as the Avatar. Every new fire nation atrocity would have you thinking "surely this is the last straw that provokes the avatar into coming out into the open" and then, year after year, fire nation atrocity after fire nation atrocity, no one ever comes. I'd be so bitter.

The fire sage bringing up how long Aang has been gone made me think of something else: are Aang and Bumi the only people still living who know what it's like to live in peacetime? Everyone born in the last 100 years has been born into war. Forget about remembering how to live in a world with an avatar, or any airbenders, does anyone remember how to live in a world at peace?

Which makes it so fitting that it's Aang - one of two people who remember peace - that is being set up to defeat the firelord and if he does (rather, when he does - it's a kid's cartoon, the good guys are going to win somehow), it's going to be Aang, in his role as Avatar, who will be ideally placed to guide the world into transitioning to being at peace. I feel like it would be a different story if an avatar forged in war was being tasked with ending the war - for one, probably a much bloodier story. There's something quite poetic about one of the last people who remembers peace being the one destined to re-introduce/grant/give it to the rest of the world.

Looking back on what I wrote, I think I said more about random tangents that this episode made me think of than I said about the episode itself. Obviously it got me thinking. I guess that means it was good?

#atla #avatar: the last airbender #avatar roku #avatar the last airbender

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mdhwrites · 8 months ago

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The Problem With the Harem Childhood Love

"I met this girl a decade ago and she changed how I viewed everything. We only knew each other for a single day but I know she's the one."

"Oh, so you two are easily going to have the most chemistry of anyone in your own story if you were to ever meet, right?"

"Why would we need that? I've already made my mind up a decade ago that I love her. So long as I say that, I can get with her at any time."

And then I start staring at the writer across from me until they finally leave because of the cardinal sin they have committed: Writing while assuming the ending.

Let me elaborate: It's actually a good thing for most stories to know what their ending is. It allows for better narrative planning and build up so that each block of your story can build on one another. Foreshadowing is only possible by knowing what plot points are coming up. Some writers can go by the seat of their pants and plan on the fly like the late Akira Toriyama and still have something coherent but it is usually considered better for a narratives pacing to know what it is.

This isn't about that though. It is when a writer knows what is coming and assumes it as self evident. This is almost always a bad thing to do because if you assume something is self evident, you'll put less narrative work into justifying it. You get this a lot when a character seems to only know something because the author says they do or they run off to a specific place without any real reason because the writer either thinks that's already been justified or because they just need that to happen for the sake of the plot.

Romance is the genre where this problem is at its worst with a pretty clear lead over most other genres. This is mostly due to two elements: Genre and the 'nature of love'.

Let's tackle the second one first since genre is going to come up more importantly with this specific trope. Love is seen oftentimes as mysterious and essentially impossible to explain. We fall in love. We slip into love. We find our soulmate. Many forms of romantic literature doesn't frame love as a choice but as an inevitability which isn't actually a bad thing. It's part of the appeal. Part of why Hallmark movies are as popular as they are is because the idea of one day having someone crash into your life, fill you with what most consider to be the best feeling in existence and change your life for the better is pretty damn attractive.

If you have watched a Hallmark movie though, you will often look at one half of that pairing and go "Why the hell are you interested in this person?" I've literally been told off in the past for analyzing why a character loves another character (positively even btw which made the reaction incredibly confusing for me) because it's like... Love man. You don't gotta explain it. If they say they're in love, they're in love!

Yes, that is undeniably how reality works but this isn't talking about reality. It's talking about fiction. In fiction, characters are theoretically supposed to have motivations and personalities and if you never sell your audience on why your two romantic leads would theoretically want to grow closer with the other one, besides lust, then it's not going to be a truly engaging romance. You don't even have to interrogate it that hard. We have tried and true ship dynamics for a reason to help with this because how those dynamics play off of each other commonly showcases why they would like each other. That doesn't mean you can just present the ship dynamic either but it can help give you a proper baseline to work from.

Second: Genre. You're reading a romance story so of course the main two characters are going to get together. If the story is not about that then you're not writing a romance. That mindset of it being a genre necessity and a foregone conclusion is already a death sentence for a lot of romance works. After all, they're together, they're your leads, you had them blush a couple times around each other, jobs done, right?

WRONG! It is still your job as a writer to sell us that they got there naturally and believably. There's a reason this is a GENRE. Part of why romantic subplots suck in so many things is because romance is seen as this thing you can just throw in a story easily and then walk away from because you said it happened so it did. Love is such a complex topic, and the process of falling in it so compelling and powerful (or if you're even braver, the process of dealing with those feeling after the confession) that it can carry a story entirely on its own. This is also because love is such a powerful emotion, terrifying in that strength and its mystery, and a relationship such a big commitment that someone actually deciding to go through with either is a genuinely big deal. There's lots of people out there, and not just those who are aromantic, who don't understand why we fall in love because it's absolutely fucking terrifying and you lose a lot just to gain a romantic partner, at least if you look at it derivatively.

BUT! What if you could write yourself an out of all of this complexity? Better yet, what if this out could allow you to expand your cast to a frankly ludicrous degree for a romance story while still making who wins make narrative sense? How glorious would it be if you could make the final question not "Who does the main character like most," but instead "Who is the one he was destined to be with?"

Enter the trope at the top of this blog. Harem stories are frankly a touch terrifying to write. As someone who has done three different erotic takes on the genre, I have fucked up one of three SPECTACULARLY and my other two are taking cheats of their own to get around some of the ensemble problems of a harem. Because this blog is already going long, I won't get into hard why harem writing is difficult or why its protagonists are the way they are here but uh... Yeah, there's a lot to unpack there and it's not all for wish fulfillment. I mean, it's a genre with a lot of wish fulfillment too but there's still other reasons behind it.

The core thing that makes them a struggle though is that time is your explicit enemy. An ensemble cast always consumes time in a way that few are always ready to deal with. You may want five main characters but you may quickly realize that only three are any good or that to make all five good, you're going to need add another season to your show, volume to your manga, etc. like that because expanding on each character, especially equally, is a big ask. Again, romance as a genre normally deals with only two main characters for a reason. The question of falling in love is bad enough when you have to sell a relationship with one character, let alone three or more. Even worse if they're all supposed to be seen as equally valid options.

So how do you pick one over the rest? Well, if you're not a coward, you make them into a polycule but as that's not all that socially acceptable and not a lot of big harem works have gone that route, you aren't going to see that option too often. Instead, you need a final plot beat/arc that will make it crystal clear who the choice is and why.

And what better way to do that than with some predestination!? Yeah, this trope actually has a crap ton of problems. The fact that people change from when they were kids, the fact that promises made when young should not define your entire life, etc. like that. That all can be said to be like saying that implying a high school romance will be forever is stupid though. That you're already clearly against the genre or the romanticization of love and so your opinion is skewed.

That's why my complaint is the one it is. See, this sort of excuse makes it so you can say that one of the girls in a harem was always the one and it's in character and fuck EVERYTHING up in the process. After all, with such a... profound eye roll explanation as this, why do you need to build their relationship? You have two to four other girls, potentially even more, to explore, tease and string along until finally getting with the one left out. They don't need chemistry even more than a normal romantic couple because of this singular moment in the past.

And if you, as a writer, actually believe that, you deserve to be smacked. All you're going to do is piss off essentially your ENTIRE audience who got invested in these other characters, who you told them through narrative to care about and get invested in, because the one they were told didn't matter was actually the one they should have been watching out for. Even if it's explicitly clear from go who it is, if your entire audience hates them then they're still going to throw away your story because of the bad taste the last bite leaves because you somehow chose the worst member in your roster to be the one that deserves the happy ending while the rest can eat shit.

And the reasonable argument against this complaint is that if you're that invested in the rest, the author still succeeded. It's the journey that matters, not the destination, right? Well... Actually, romance is the genre where that is the least true. It's why romance stories end with implying a happily ever after because treating these two that you've come to know and care about as just a school yard fling makes all those sweet moments, all that care and growth, seem meaningless and cheap. Like it was all for naught, especially because of how desirable love is for most people and how devastating heart break can be.

So if you can't even go "At least one of the ones that deserved it got their happy ending" then it can make all those moments of harem fun just feel all the more painful. Like the hand of the author is holding a knife to your back, waiting to betray you at any second. That is a feeling that will leave very few in an audience happy, at least if they genuinely care about the characters and romances you've written.

And all because the writer assumed their brilliant excuse was all it would take to make you agree that their ending made sense.

======+++++======

This blog is brought to you today by Quintessential Quintuplets, an anime I couldn't finish because while I don't watch much harem stuff, I could still clearly see that every girl who deserved a happy ending in that show wasn't going to get it, even before being told who got with the MC in the end. It's also somewhat brought to you by me working on the concept of a harem story and my musings on some of its specific tropes. Again, I could do several blogs on it frankly. Shocking, I know, that the romance writer has thoughts on romance genres.

(Also, if you're more immune to this problem than I am, Quintessential Quintuplets is worth your time. It's not perfect but I did find the cast compelling and charming enough to get worked up about them and there are some really smart narrative choices made along the way.)

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#romance writing #writing analysis #harem anime

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lutethebodies · 4 months ago

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hey just letting you know, I really enjoy your Cannor/Minthara ship posts. You're one of a handful of the regular shippers I know who thinks about, like, long term relationship stuff with your oc and Minthara, beyond the puppy love years and actually considering how they'd manage to live/work/survive together without it all breaking down.

keep it up, you're appreciated ^_^

I hope anon will forgive me if I jump off their very kind note to mention a few reasons why I think I might be good at what they noticed about my character pieces like the one they mentioned.

First, age. I was recently told in no uncertain terms (by people much younger) that it's both hilarious and pathetic for me, a 47-year-old person, to post on Tumblr about anything at all, let alone BG3 character ships. I think someone even said "you're as old as my parents, just stop." And, well, whatever. I made a dumb and needlessly negative mistake (which earned me a lot of other weirdly reductive and untrue assumptions, and because this is the internet, all of it will of course live forever somewhere) on a topic I'd already covered better in non-negative ways. But it ultimately doesn't matter, because life is cringe and self-flagellation is performatively silly and nobody who cares about me judges me for blogging on Tumblr anyway.

However, I think my age (at least in terms of life experience) helps me think about interpersonal behavior and relationships in ways that younger people might not. I don't wanna go full Joe-Biden-in-denial about this—because who the fuck am I, really?—but the fact that I'm still married to the same person after 18 years (with 8 more together before that) speaks to what I've been able to learn and know about how these things work. (Pro tip for a successful marriage: don't have kids; we don't and we're very happy about that.). So that's a bit of an obvious self-insert in what I write for Cannor.

Second, employment status. After decades in the professional design/marketing world, I'm very fortunate to (post-quarantine) be able to freelance part-time as a creative professional and stay home as a house-spouse. I can make art and record songs and write posts and bike for exercise pretty much when I want, as well as take care of housework. It's really inspiring and I like to spread inspiration whenever I can. I also think it's important to be a proud house-spouse as a cishet USAmerican man because even now (get your tiny violins ready) we are still mocked as unmanly and societally useless if we don't have the right job title or don't make more money than our wives or don't have 6 kids or whatever it is that a man's man's man is supposed to be like. Fuck that noise.

I have no problem being a man who is, in many ways, overshadowed by what my spouse does in her life and with her career. She works hard, she's really good at what she does, and is really patient with a flighty artist guy at home. That's how love works for us. (She would probably be annoyed at the mere fact of me getting hung up on all this shit, btw). Most of my "career" work has been ephemeral (that's marketing for you), and I value my decades of making art and music way more anyway, even and especially since it's a hobby and I'll never be celebrated for it. So that vibe goes into my Cannor-Minthara headcanon as well (remember folks, self-insert is not a sin).

Finally (and I say this as a reminder to myself as much as anyone else): think before posting. Don't put needlessly negative things out there, because the world will oblige you in return a hundredfold. Perhaps obvious, but always a lesson worth re-learning. Believe it or not, some old people do realize when they need to re-learn shit.

Now, if you don't mind I'd like to go back to being laughably cringe on main.

#i don't know what to tag this as

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kaddyssammlung · 8 months ago

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SH-related Sleep Token lyrics part 3 (last part)

Part 1 Part 2

TW: SH (you know me...I get graphic every now and then)

Chokehold

“I come as a blade”

For some reason this makes me think about a sword rather then a razor blade. But it could also be a razor blade. Makes not much sense but it fits.

“So you keep me sharp and test my worth in blood”

This is a weird one. It makes me ask questions that I don't want to know the answers to.

“even if it hurts me”

It just fits and also I already talked about how I used to just not feel much anyway. So that pain from self-harm was just a reminder that I was still here.

The Summoning

“I've got a blood trail, red in the blue”

I never noticed how often he uses the word “blood” until today.

“You've got my body, flesh and bone”

It makes me think about things. But I don't want this to get too graphic.

Granite

“Reason dislocates”

Oh yes. I did not know why I was doing what I was doing. Even in therapy when I was asked “why do you do this?”. I was like “I don't know”. I really did not know or just was not aware of it. And also when you are constantly hungover you don't really think about stuff like that.

Why did I pick up something sharp to hurt myself?! I don't really remember.

Since I'm a total adrenaline junky maybe it I was curious in the first place and then I liked it and got addicted to it. Idk....My memory is so damn bad.

“And you'll never have to talk about it You'll never wanna talk about it”

True. But my friend (BPD obsession...fave person type of friend) forced me to talk to someone. She dragged me to the school's psychologist. She was more or less a teacher but she actually had a degree in psychology. You could go to her and talk to her. So I was dragged there. Of course that did not go well. And also to this day I'm convinced that she told my parents about my self-harm. I was so damn cautious but yet one day they found out.

Whatever. It was a long time ago.

I can totally understand my friend back then because she was just concerned.

Aqua Regia

“cutting through the darkness, bouncing off the walls”

At least it's not cutting in the darkness......no he cuts through the darkness. That's just so much better and not hinting at something at all. I'm sarcastic today.

Well the dark times really do change you. All of them made me stronger. But going through them did leave scars.

“following a blood trail”

Oh well...blood stains are hard to remove. Idk what he means. Another one that I just put in here because he mentions blood again.

And there goes another one:

“cold love, hot blood”

How about hot love and cold blood?! Makes me think about those horses...idk how they are called in English. Coldblood?! Idk

Cold love as in there is no love coming back from someone but he is hot for them? It's like having a crush on a straight women or something like that. Well...wrong topic.

Vore

“My life is torn, my bones, they bleed”

I feel this line.

To me this is just an expression of being completely exhausted and having reached an end. Rien ne va plus. He is done. I get that. I felt like that so many times but it took a lot to turn that damn ship around and really get better.

“Are you in pain like I am?”

Idk Vessel. I self-harmed also. We share that but other then that I just don't know because of all the speculation. There is not much we know for sure.

Ascensionism

“'Cause anything's better then the way I feel right now”

I think we all get that and maybe know that feeling?

It's just that cutting yourself is not the answer and neither is starving yourself or drinking too much.

“Rose gold chains, ripped lace, cut glass”

Does he mean glass that is broken or does glass mean something else? I mean there are substances that you kind of lay out on a mirror. Whatever.

Cut glass fits the vibe of this so it gets to stay.

“Blood stains on the collar means just don't ask”

I wonder how they got there. Maybe from the substances?

Reminds of being scared of bleed through something without noticing it and then someone sees it.

Are You Really Okay?

Yes, I am. That's why I feel strong enough to write this.

“I was trying to hold back the darkness”

Reminds me of my mother's reaction when she found out about my self-harm. That “Oh My God....what happened? Why are you doing this? What's wrong?” So many questions but at that time I had no answers. Maybe I should write a bit more of how childhood trauma (CPTSD) leads to addiction. I felt horrible and there was a reason for that and yes it had something to do with the way I grew up.

“You woke me up one night dripping crimson on the carpet”

This sucked me in, into the lore. I wanted to know what the word crimson meant. I had to look it up and then I wanted know who was dripping crimson. At the time when Take Me Back To Eden was released I had not really looked at much photos of the band or Vessel. But it's these lines that made me search through the lyrics like I was crazy and also through photos. I found what I was looking for. Kind of.....

“Cutting deeper than the scars could run”

I still have this tied to a suicide attempt that maybe took place. Because when you are dead then there are no more scars. But that's all I'm going to say about this. It's just so sad but I can understand that.

I should also mention:

“I cannot fix your wounds this time”

“Please don't hurt yourself again”

The Appariton

“I wake up to a suicide frenzy”

I don't even want to think about this one.

“This wound will never heal”

I kind of get that. But it seems like this is more a metaphorical wound.

“It just split what's left of the burning silence”

What was that with burnt skin again...?! Burning cathedrals....This dude amazes me more and more with the endless connections. But I don't really get this line.

Do You Wish That You Loved Me?

“Or do you push into constant aching?”

Pouring salt into the wounds?! I actually did that.

“Can you ever forgive? (Yourself)

The guilt thing again. We are all guilty of something. That makes me joke. There are some things that I have not brought up yet. But I'm kind of...idk. Some things are too much. Or are still too much. But yes I know what it's like to feel so guilty and you need to hurt yourself so can deal with those feelings.

“Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist”

I was lectured by a therapist once about not knowing the answer to how I feel. When I'm dissociated then I don't know how I feel. The point of dissociation is to keep me save from difficult emotions. None of my therapists ever noticed how dissociated I was.

I already mentioned that not being able to feel or being dissociated was one of the reasons behind my self-harm.

Rain

“It's that chemical cut that I can get down with”

Because Aqua Regia is used to dissolve stuff? And you stopped visiting Sleep? Or it's something that's like “noFap” which is common among spiritual humans and others? Or an actual cut?! Idk what to do with this one. But I had to put it in here.

Take Me Back To Eden

“Bleed through spaces”

Hospital after “crimson on the carpet”?! Idk. Too much and don't want to think about certain things.

I don't really have anything attached to this.

“Reset my patient violence”

patient or a patient.....let's leave it with that....

“I spit blood when I wake up”

So have I. But it was the worst hangover that I ever had. Other than that it's just in here because of the word blood again.

“I dangle in like cold cuts”

Being trapped in hospital is not nice. Time stands still and there is nothing much you can do. It felt like that in psychiatry and it also felt like that when woke up in hospital one day.

“No amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence”

I have this tied to something different but I don't want to bring this up here....this breaks my heart actually.

You can see self-harm as some sort of self-sought fury. At least kind of. When you just don't know how to deal with things in a more healthy way then it's more of a strategy to survive. Even when it does seem like it. But it often felt like that for me.

Euclid

“I play along with the life signs anyway Hope to God you don't know this feeling”

I know this feeling, Vessel. I just do. Suicidal ideation is probably the best term to describe it.

#sleep token #sleep token lyrics #tw sh

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anonofseasons · 1 year ago

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The reason the rest of Seasons went up is that I figured I'd better just do it before I lost all drive to share ever again and didn't at least complete Seasons for the remaining readers. It's the only thing I've written (outside of fandom) that has gotten much attention. It was nice, and I really appreciate that anyone would read it. But outside of that, I cannot get more than the tiniest handful of people to care about what I write, and it has been that way for years. It's discouraging, I'll be honest. My already-low confidence keeps taking beatings. I used to be more active with fandoms and posting fics, but one fandom/ship soured the experience for me. (Long story short, a lot of that ship's writers were bullied out by much more prominent writers. One of those popular writers mocked content from my fics in vaguetweets every time I posted, and I couldn't keep calling it a coincidence after a while.) I'd hear "you only write manbabies" (yeah more than once) and "you write too much of this" or be told my characterization wasn't realistic. But mostly? It just goes ignored. So I think, "I have to work harder and be better so people will be interested in reading it."

I don't know how other people manage to get word out about their writing. AO3 is great for sharing what I don't plan to publish/what can't be published, but what about what I do want published? I want to be a career author. And I struggle bc I'm dealing with problems that have a hand in worsening each other: financial struggles, living with my shitty parents, and bad health/disabilities. I need something in my life to work out for once. The pressure is on to be successful at something, but I just keep getting older and physically worse. My friend is willing to take me in when they find a place, we hope that's this year, but I can't live off of them, and I can't just sometimes cook and clean when I have spoons to make up for that. I need an income. I want writing to work out. But it just dies on my social media, with very few interactions, if any at all. I had a ton of stuff I wanted to finish for Seasons this month and into October to share with everyone in my excitement. But I'm losing my will to share anything. I only feel foolish when I try. Everything I do only proves my critics right, so it's embarrassing. Why even bother to try? It's been fourteen years of trying to get anything I write seen. I don't plan to stop writing btw, it's the sharing that's so difficult. I've been told countless times to write for myself when I express my despair, and guess what? That's good advice I've been taking this entire time! Who else could I be trying to please at this point? I have no one to please lmao, it's just me doing stuff I wanna do! The reaction to the ending of Seasons has me hesitant to give up on sharing, bc clearly lots of people connected to it in different ways, and that's wonderful. It makes me think sharing isn't so bad! But I just don't know if - at my age and health - if I can keep trying. I have two books I want to self-publish soon, and they feel like they'll just end up like everything else I post over at @mcalhenwrites - 6 notes and 5 of them are my reblogs! (And it's the same across all social media platforms - or it's even worse.) I'm really thankful that sharing Seasons gave me a taste of what it was like to connect with people through my writing, though. I don't think any of the people who commented or sent me asks realize how much it really helped me through this year, but it did. I started to have a little hope that maybe it wasn't a skill issue on my part, at least? ;A; And here's the thing: I don't really hate my writing all that much. I just fear it's got things wrong with it that I can't recognize, and that's what's putting potential readers off. I do believe my hard work shows, but hard work =/= good enough. My style is getting closer to the skill level I dreamed of having. I'm proud of my characters. But what's missing? I know that being a creator of any kind - even professional - is extremely tough, especially right now. I know this is a struggle for a lot of authors, artists, etc. :'( I just... I want to write as a career so I can keep doing more of it. I rarely have the spoons to keep up with anything. Writing is flexible. I love doing it! I just want to explain how I feel and what I'm dealing with, and why I'm so desperate. If you read this, know that it really helps creators to have our work recommended, boosted, etc. Authors matter as much as artists. I've been trying to train myself for the nth time to not be online and talk about my writing in any capacity. It hasn't worked before - I'm always too stupid to commit to giving up - but at what point in 14 years of complete failure with a side of humiliation does one just learn to give up? And to give some further insight into my thinking process: when I uploaded the remaining chapters, I put Seasons in my private collection (which holds 87 of my works out-of-bounds to anyone but me) so I could upload all the chapters without risking annoying my subscribers. Since 11 chapters in one night is a bit much, eh? :') Ugh, idk why tumblr won't let me edit anything or post long stuff. So I'm cutting this short I guess!

#this is a bit of a long post sorry

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lupon · 2 years ago

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have you ever considered that vecna can, and probably will, target them both and the rest of the entire crew? why do you ship byler if you don't think there are signs mike is queer? if you hate mike so much you're so angry at people theorising about a compelling story that involves him, just say so

Nowhere did I suggest I hate Mike. I hate the way people have been characterizing him lately and basically give him the same story as Will. This is something that's been bothering me for months and I only said something because I thought I finally found someone who understood where I was coming from. It's so invalidating to Will's character and disingenuous to Mike's to make their stories basically exactly the same.

Saying Mike's aware of his sexuality, realized his feelings for Will between s3 and s4, struggles with wondering if Will will accept him is WILL'S STORY. And I'm getting so sick of seeing it every single time I browse my tl.

It feels like everyone's so caught up in Mike liking Will they lose sight of everything else about him. Mike's struggles are so different from Will's, and that's a good thing. I wouldn't want them to be the same. I want them to be queer in their own way and have their own thoughts/feeling about their sexuality. I don't want Mike's story to be Will's and I can't understand why everyone else seems like they do.

Mike went his whole life fully believing he was straight. And I don't see any solid evidence proving otherwise. Mike's struggle is coming to accept that he isn't who he thought he was. He's been avoiding and fighting his feelings for a long time now. His story is about how fighting who you are will only make you unhappy, and even though it's an incredibly scary thing to do, accepting your true feelings will ultimately make you happier.

Mike and Will's stories are different because they have different morals. While Mike's is more focused on self-acceptance after being in denial, Will's leans more toward self-love after being abused for his whole life. Will has to fight how much he's internalized everything people have said about him. Will has already had to face the people who hate him for who he is. Mike hasn't experienced homophobic bullying. He doesn't have nearly the same level of internalized homophobia as Will.

And that's what irks me the most is when people will try and say Mike's story revolves around internalized homophobia and that Vecna is going to target him despite the fact there's no clear foreshadowing and no apparent reason for Vecna to do so. I feel like I'm always just seeing the same stuff and no one is branching off to say "hey, maybe Mike won't be targeted and will instead have a more detailed and personal arc about him coming to accept himself and his feelings" instead of "Vecna's gonna torment him with Will" which is literally exactly what they've been foreshadowing will happen to Will.

Making their stories the same just makes it feel like there's a "certain way" to be queer when that's just not true. I want Mike's story to be very different from Will's. I want Mike and Will to have unique struggles. I want two different stories being told to represent how there is no one way to be queer.

Why is that so hard for people to understand?

#this theory in particular rubs me the wrong way #ive been ignoring it for ages now #i feel like it undermines the point of how every character has thier own struggles that makes them different #even robin and vickes stories are quite different #but every time people talk about s5 mike it always feels like theyre unintentionally making him be like will #it feels like people are losing sight of who mike is in favor of seeing the story they want to see #and im tired of everyone acting like mike definitely knows he gay when there is zero obvious signs of that #if the ga cant pick up on it it has an insanely low chance of happening #st is an extremely predictable show #ily st writers but its true #bi mike wheeler #gay mike wheeler #will byers #byler

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skips-is-asleep · 2 years ago

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Pervailing Relationship Issues in Solkat

To clarify, what i mean by pervailing issues is what issues do i think sollux and karkat would consistly struggle with as a long term couple in adulthood, roadblocks they run into over and over. Really, it's more the rules I keep in mind when writing solkat

Im getting back to the roots of this account; jabbering about headcanons and my partner and my roommate have already heard me talk about this and im not done

The pink text is a very long tanget I went on to try and rationalize a point to make it easier to skip, and the purple text is clarifying a part of my tanget for people who are sticklers for details

BTW this is basically me analyzing my own fics about solkat (still based on canon) you can see the way i attempt to execute this through my longest running fic Space Solkat but also just how i view the pair in a general sense

TL;DR they both suck at communication and at different levels of emotional maturity

And im not gonna be mentioning self esteem issue bc first of all thats par for the course and also not really interesting for me to talk about tbh, i really wanted to talk about shit that i find meatier and more specific to them as people.

Ive been toying pretty regularly with the idea that i think Sollux doesn't view his own emotions as actual emotions, i think any time he feels a certain way, he views it as cold hard fact. Whereas when Karkat feels something, its almost always irrational and never rooted in reality.

Normally, this is fine, but Sollux also tends to view things in the short term, and just go with whatever happens, positive or negative (i interpret this from the way he just sort of Goes With Aradia asking him to recover/play the game and then goes along with playing even though he didn't really want to and even if he's contributing as little as possible. ((Although yeah there's no way he'd have known the game ended the world and that's also why he did what aradia told him to, he had no reason not to trust her word)) but he frequently makes decisions on the fly based off nothing and will just stick by them; see not talking to humans because he *thinks* they're stupid and pointless, and he's wrong in the grand scheme, the humans have massive impacts on their lives and the game, and after he's blind and meets John, he still doesn't want anything to do with them. He also chooses to leave the meteor after seeing an alive Aradia without talking or mulling the decision over at all. He just decides to leave and doesn't take into consideration how this would effect his relationship with Karkat, Terezi or Kanaya, even though Karkat begs him to stay. I think to someone else, having one of your closest friends show that kind of emotion at you leaving would make you hesitate on jumping ship, but he seemingly doesnt). Karkat sees things in the long term understanding cause and effect and gravity of situations and decisions, and they often fight about this. Karkat will try and show Sollux things that are actually objective, but because Sollux views Karkat as an unreliable narrator, he rarely listens, even when Karkat is actually right about something.

The thing is though, that Sollux will view Karkat's emotion as irrational, but at the same time does put some stock into them. Often times he "cant deal" with karkat when he's emotional, not because he cant handle emotion in general, but because he knows he'll be swayed by whatever Karkat is feeling and views this as corruption of his "facts." While he typically comes out of most topics with the correct opinion on things (see: not-bigoted) he still has the flaw of comparing emotional with unintelligent.

Sometimes its subliminal though, he'll be influenced by Karkat's emotion without realizing it and this only happens really when they *arent* fighting. Basically, if Karkat is trying to convince Sollux, he won't listen, but if Sollux is just listening to Karkat vent about something into the void, he takes note of that and it will subtly color his opinions about things.

He DOES view Karkat as intelligent though, so i think he'd be really frustrated by how little Karkat composes himself in times of stress, he's upset by Karkat's inability to be measured.

Even still, it's not any secret that sometimes Karkat will let his emotions get the better of him, sometimes his decisions are clouded by passion, but he almost always stands by decision even if he wasnt thinking clearly when he made them. Partially because you have to own up to what you say/do even if there is a situation in which you wouldnt do them, but also i think theres a tiny bit of stubbornness and pride in not wanting to admit to Sollux that he was right, he did let lose himself and his rationality.

Overall, I think a majority of the time, Karkat will cave to Sollux's emotions more often then vis versa, but when Karkat is right he's very obnoxious about it. This adds further pressure to Sollux not wanting to admit when the other is right/listen to what he has to say because he's going to lord it over him for the next week and Sollux is also stubborn and prideful albeit much quieter about it then Karkat is.

Their stubbornness and mutual pride also gets in the way of healthy communication though, especially with Sollux. Often times, he's too prideful to admit he needs help, admit he needs support and will drown in stress until he's about to crumble and *then* ask Karkat for help. This can easily be read as a lack of trust, and Karkat will often feel like he's doing everything he can, but the root of the issue is Sollux not communicating effectively about his needs.

Karkat is not innocent in this regard though, if something is bothering him a lot, but he recognizes it as a small thing, his long term thinking gets the better of him. "The tone he used with me when he woke up grouchy is not going to impact our relationship as a whole, I don't need to have a Talk with him about it." But it proceeds to bother him all day, the next day and the next until he's convinced that the relationship is falling apart and they need to sort everything out now.

I think that's everything I might add more but it'll be in reblogs

#homestuck #sollux captor #karkat vantas #solkat #headcanons #space solkat

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jokerislandgirl32 · 1 year ago

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Tbh I think your selfship with zach is quite cute!

I love seeing content of your selfship :3

Don’t let anyone tell you that your crazy cause you’re not

You’re just doing something that makes you happy and comforts you

Luckily the selfshipping community has been nice to me so far but I did have a toxic friend who used to really make fun of my f/os and special interests a lot

And he (my toxic friend) also told me I had to “grow up” which really hurt a lot (dw he is finally out of my life)

Also my mom thinks it’s a bit weird I have f/os and tells me that all the time

So I fully understand how much getting hate or made fun of because of your f/os sucks

For me selfshipping makes me feel super happy and very loved (which yes I already do feel loved irl it just makes me feel extra loved)

I love knowing my f/os will love me for me no matter what and that they will also never abandon me

I’m also glad you have zach to be there for you through hard times

Just remember to not let the haters get to you cause they will never understand how happy selfshipping can make someone

@thespidergeek -

I need to start by saying I am so sorry this took me forever to answer! Please know I’ve read it and have taken comfort in your kind words nearly every day since you sent this ask.

I truly admire your resilience to love your f/os in spite of the whispers and questions of others. I find it so disheartening when people who are supposed to love/care for you try to put you down for the things you love/care for that they think are unusual/unnecessary.

So, I’m trying to take your wonderful advice to heart and not allow the whispers and exes, I mean, ghosts…of my past…interfere with my love for my f/os. I’m trying to allow the relationships I have with Zach and Grinch to calm my fears and help make me whole again, as this was the reason why I began self shipping with these characters in the first place.

I had to save this ask to post at this time (or rather at a time like this) because it’s the reminder I need to get me through the dark times. And something might have happened this evening/ is happening related to the topics you discussed in this ask, so it’s made me question myself and my selfships. But seeing this ask helps reaffirm my love for my boys and brings me the confidence I need to persevere! Thank you, thank you so much 🥲!

Also thank you for sharing your story, I relate to this so much….just know I’m thinking of you, and I hope that things stay positive for you!

#ask box #nice asks #asks #self ship #selfship #selfship positivity #zach varmitech #the grinch #love zach varmitech #ziolet #mr. grinch 💚#f/o x s/i #tw toxicity #tw toxic relationship #thank you so much #proship dni #ziolet asks

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khaleesiofalicante · 2 years ago

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This chapter made me laugh so hard Istg😂😂 I fell off my bed and my whole family could hear me out of breath lmao

Baby Lance is🥺🥺

Also the way they educate him and just address all this topics is EVERYTHING. I am not a parent but damn if that isn't good parenting 😭 and not Max taking him with Anjali and Magnus kdhdjdjkd.

Because papa looked very happy. And when papa was happy, daddy was more happy.

No.

He was happier.

The way Max loves David never ceases to amaze me. Everything he did for him, and the other way around. It's just all the love and admiration they had for each other, the communication and always protecting each other. I am not ok😭💙💙💙

Lance nodded. “I want to know if he found the princess.”

“He has to get through the forest of shadows first,” papa told him.

Dani: AJ and Lance's plotline is not related to lbaf V

Me: ...but what if...this is foreshadowing?? You can blame me everything is foreshadowing with you!!!

New drinking game: everytime Lance rolls hid eyes or says something is stupid, take a sip. Let's see how wasted we end 😎

“I love you too,” Lance whispered.

“What?” Theia asked suddenly.

Oh shit. Oh fuck.

“I was just talking to myself,” Lance said quickly. “Self-love is important.”

God, Lance is an idiot. But I can't blame him because same😍

THEIA BLACKTHORN>>>>>>

The tres leches cake😭😭

“The bit with the knife.” Everyday more terrified thank you very much 🙂

I will die for this ship and I am totally ok with that :)

I screamed a little when Max though they were going to have sex KDHDJBDKD. FUCKING GOLD

Max really be making me sob with a stained glass window huh? Ok then🥲. No comments on the note jdhdkdkkd

Wait are we going to meet Harry's parents? Do we know them already??

Women fixing things with a hammer makes me somehow gayer😍😍

“Feminists get horny too, Arthur,” Lance rolled his eyes. "I'm a horny feminist." I would print this shit if I could

Now the title makes sense... BUT HOLY SHIT BABE NOOOO. YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG. YOU WERE NEVER THE REASON!!! IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Will he ever know the truth?? Because I think it's gonna break him a little tbh...

BLACKBANE SUPREMACY!!! 😍😍

“If you don’t believe it, then at least believe this,” Arthur said gently. “I love you a lot and I don’t think you’re the reason for anyone’s pain except yours.” AJ really be continuing the Lightwood-Bane tradition of casually saying heartwreaking things...

That kiss was ✨ ICONIC✨

“Because, Lance,” Gabriel said, their voice gentle. “There is very little Max wouldn’t do for David.” Gabriel is an adult now😭 and they're still hot af I'm sure 😭😭 god I love them...

Theia blackmailing an important lawyer!! Mark me down as scared and horny 🥵 she is a fast learner it seems...

I MF KNEW IT!!! I KNEW THE COSTUDY AGREEMENT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE BECAUSE WHY WOULD DAVID TAKE THE KIDS AWAY FROM MAX?!? Alec losing that case didn't make sense!! I knew it and I'm still in shock because I didn't expect THAT. WHAT THE FUCK??? I have given it a hundred thoughts and I still don't understand why. I NEED ANSWERS😭😭😭

Thank you 🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I know you knew 😎🫢😋

This is literally David with baby Lance

#IALS

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eviscerated-pineapple · 1 year ago

Text

I need to take a social media break.

Social Media Obituary…or Something.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide attempts, self-harm, rape, incest, emotional, and physical abuse mentioned.

I first told my mom I hated her when I was about 6, right after we moved from Sacramento, CA to Dayton, TX circa 1999. My mom, dad and I were in a coffee shop on a dreary day—or maybe it was a restaurant, who cares—at a booth and I distinctly recall saying that as plainly as it was the color of the walls, and a great maliciousness then blossoming in me.

Why did I say this? I struggle with why I hated my mom so much as a kid. There were very good reasons as to why I did: the alcoholism; the drugs; she and my aunt leaving my cousin and I alone to fend for ourselves, as young as six and three, without knowing when they’d be back so they could go gamble and score.

I think that’s where the intense fear of abandonment came from.

The jury is still out on whether or not Borderline Personality Disorder’s physical component (i.e., an un-fully formed amygdala, which is responsible for controlling emotions and impulsivity) is present at birth and causes the personality disorder or if the personality disorder is responsible for this region of the brain not developing properly. Ah, the ol’ chicken and egg scenario.

It, along with cPTSD (complex PTSD) and trauma, can cause brain lesions visible through MRI scans.

While the people who stigmatize BPD try to figure out in what way I will abuse, manipulate, and ultimately damage them beyond repair, I’m still trying to figure out why I was never worthy of love.

I think the hate for my mom, partnered with her actions, was heavily influenced by my dad.

I haven’t spoken to him in about three and a half years. I was too young to first realize the issues with him, and there’s even a suspected repressed memory in there that was revealed in the last year by my mom.

My dad is a hateful, spiteful, sad, lonely, and untreated man. His anime saga includes being shipped off to fight the Vietnam War in 1963 at the age of 17 with the US Navy, having been told “he would see the world.” He was one of 12 children by my grandparents, a little Spanish woman by the name of Natividad Torres from which I inherited one of my middle names (Nettie), and a Spanish/German guy named Joseph Smith (“Schmidt” from what I was told and then that family’s emigration to the United States is what ultimately Americanized their name). I’ve heard that my grandfather was pretty…rough. Alcoholic and abusive, but oddly remembered fondly. My grandmother was tiny and sweet, and often mistaken for being Japanese from what I remember (to be fair, she very much did look Asian, not Spanish, and we’re all heavily mixed so who knows).

Anyway, I’m sidetracking. My dad became skilled as a sniper (“sharpshooter” as he affectionately referred to it, as if that made it any less horrifying to go through as a literal teenager), which was a skill he brought back with him to the US. I can’t say much more—maybe I’ll talk about that in length after he passes—but why do for free what you can monetize back in the States?

We lived in a house on Saxon Way in Sacramento where my childhood memories truly begin. I had a couple neighbor girl friends that accepted me and though found me weird, still made me feel welcome. I remember playing a LOT of Nintendo 64 and original PlayStation games, oddly realizing I liked girls along with boys as early as Kindergarten (for which I was vehemently bullied for by other girls—I didn’t know then what being gay was or that it wasn’t okay, and wouldn’t for a long time), pulling the head off my Barbies because they made me really uncomfortable and sticking Barbie’s head on Ken’s body (Ahh, that’s better. I want to look like Ken when I grow up!), and desperately vying for the toys from the boys’ section at Walmart.

My poor mom tried so hard to make me a little girl. I already have three half-brothers, each with different men, and she wanted her dream daughter. Unfortunately she instead received some sort of chimera child that was often mistaken for being a little boy despite the mid-back length hair.

I’ll never forget that doctor referring to me as my parent’s “son” when I got pneumonia at the age of 12. I digress.

One of my half-brothers came to live with us when I was about four or five. He was 17 and a standard troublemaker, trying to get laid and smoke weed, nothing to really write home about. Except my dad needed things to go his way entirely.

One night, my brother went down the street to hang out with some friends. My dad had the final straw with my brother leaving his bong in my dad’s Jeep, a clear challenge of authority according to my dad. We had an RV in our driveway by this time so my dad could escape the house when my parents began fighting over my brother or whatever else was going wrong. My dad took it upon himself to sit up atop the RV and wait for by brother to come back home.

He lied to the SWAT team that was called, whether by my brother, mom, or the neighbors, and said the discharged round they found was him recklessly firing in city limits at New Years in celebration. He did some prison time, paid some fines, and completed some community service.

I’m not sure he wanted to kill my brother or just intimidate him. I think he wanted to kill him and tried to goad my brother and his friends to charge him so it’d become self-defense. That’s just my theory, though.

Shortly after, we moved to Texas. My dad told everyone it was because of his family spread throughout the state, but only my mom and I knew the real reason: he wanted to ditch California and be free from his parole. My dad would fondly tell me that when he called around, his would-be Texas parole officer reassured him, “Sir, what you did there isn’t illegal out here. Come on out.” I was uprooted and lost the only two girlfriends I ever made because my dad couldn’t bear responsibility for his actions.

Things grew worse in Texas, but my mom was sober for as long as I can remember which was cool. I tried so desperately to make friends and developed my first crush in fifth grade on one of the popular boys. The bullying began in fourth grade, though. I started to get hairy arms and legs, acne, bushy eyebrows, and other androgynous characteristics that the other girls didn’t have. I became friends with two girls, Katy and Stormey, but didn’t know it was a ploy (and why not use their real names here? They’ll never see this).

They took all my secrets and hopes and fears and weaponized them in fifth grade. I started getting harassed for how hairy and ugly I was, being told I needed to shave my legs and wax my eyebrows, and at one point that, “[I’d] look a lot better if I took a sander to my face.”

For sixth grade, my dad moved us back to California but this time to Bakersfield—again because of family, but for real this time. One of my beloved uncles, a beautiful artist that painted hyper-realistic portraits using oil paints and a brush in his mouth (he was a quadriplegic), had passed from pneumonia because his sister, my aunt, denied him my grandmother’s home where he lived after my grandmother passed. This aunt was a real estate agent, and much like all the other Smith aunts and uncles, money was king. So out my uncle went into a month of homelessness before it ultimately killed him.

At least that’s the story I was told. I’ll never know the truth.

Bakersfield was hot, dusty, and terrible. For sixth grade, I had a terrifying teacher by the name of Ms. Laffoon who had anger issues. She’d punish us with physical exercise and flip desks (one of which hit me) in rage when someone didn’t turn in their homework. It wouldn’t be until I was an adult that I realized she should’ve been reported and arrested for various instances of child abuse against us.

From here, I’ll use initials in places of names.

P. was also an androgynous girl, but she hated me upon first sight. One time, she cornered me in the girl’s bathroom and picked me up by my throat and threatened me. For what, I have no idea.

S. was bubbly and loud but well loved. She and A. became best friends, and I was somewhat the third-wheel of the trio, but in eight grade was cast out because I told A. I was sick of hearing her bemoan boys all the time. A. told me she’d “beat my ass” at a time and place, but she was nowhere to be found.

G. was the first crush I ever had that was reciprocated. Our innocent little affair began in the summer between sixth and seventh grade over email, to which he confessed he liked me a lot. Wow, me?! Someone liked me for me!

I started band class in seventh grade and will never forget the entire class excluding myself huddled in Mr. Moynier’s office around the computer. To my horror, G. had shown the entire class my pathetic admissions of like for him, and something about this flipped a switch for me because I became a bully to others after. One stormy day, I wrote the head of band class (or who I recognized as their leader) a death threat via note, explaining that their actions are what lead good people to become school shooters. She told me later in high school she kept that note and vehemently apologized. I think she and I were okay after that.

In seventh grade, E. became my first boyfriend and kiss. I fell in love with him quickly and had never felt pretty or accepted before. In the almost year or so we were together, I learned at one point his asking me out was for a dare by the guys to ask the ugliest girl in school out. I dumped him not long after finding that out. I carried this complex I developed into every relationship I’ve had thereafter, and to this day I will never believe a soul that I could be found attractive, whether physically or by my personality.

I wrote Mr. Falk a suicide note that year after realizing I didn’t want to be around anymore. He was the first teacher I ever trusted, and we bonded over his beautiful sketch art, which I also partook in at the time. My mom thought I was a child prodigy because I could sketch photorealistic portraits of people and objects. Luckily, a focus on GATE and AP classes beat the absolute shit out of that dream to where I experience panic attacks to this day when I try to even attempt artwork of any media.

Mr. Falk brough the note to my house later that week and tearfully apologized to me, saying he was so sorry to betray my trust but he’s a mandatory reporter and needed to let my parents know. My dad was the one to answer the door when he arrived, cool and understanding as ever: “No, sir, I had no idea she was feeling this way. Yes, sir, we’ll get her to see a therapist.” Then once the door closed: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing spreading lies about the way we treat you?”

From there, it was a string of guys and one statutory rape relationship. I could never feel safe with any of them and was often cheated on for various reasons: flat chested, ugly, boyish, loud, obnoxious, bad sex, just felt like it, wasn’t into it, etc. But we’re jumping ahead a bit here.

My mom’s alcoholism and drug use escalated to new heights while we lived in Bakersfield, and I recently learned she used to buy meth from D.’s dad. Ha. Hahaha. D. was my supposed best friend and crush. I think he was genuine, though. I can’t fault him for something our parents did.

Ah, this leads me into high school and the crowd I hung out with. Two D’s and two J’s. One of the J’s was a giggle monster and a sweetheart. I once had a crush on him purely because he treated me the kindest. The other J. was a Dumpster fire of a person who I hate to this day. He could puke on command, sexually assaulted me publicly in the quad at Golden Valley by pantsing me in front of everyone to show all that “I really had a dick,” and almost broke my ankle once by shoving D. into me while we walked along a curb.

This J. will find me on social media throughout the years, a couple times harassing me about my breast size or lacktherof, and it won’t be until I was about 26 before I realized not all attention is good attention, so the blocking began. He recently followed me on my Twitch stream, the stunt I briefly had in early 2023, and I remember getting so much anxiety that I threw up after I realized it was him.

Sorry, tangent again. High school is when my Borderline traits began to come to the surface and the abuse against me was cranked to about a 7. My mom would get a DUI or two during this time and threw herself further into alcoholism the more my dad stonewalled and emotionally/psychologically tormented both her and I, but mostly her. He despised her, was disgusted by her, and wanted her gone. I’ll never forget crying and asking her why she and Dad didn’t get a divorce already because I was miserable.

She did leave when I was 14.

The winter after she left, my dad couldn’t make both rent and utilities, so we just went without electricity and gas. I was in mostly AP classes at this point and could barely manage my workload WITH such luxuries, so I began flunking. My AP Biology teacher approached me one day and asked why I stopped turning in homework and didn’t I know I’m flunking rapidly? Yes, I knew. But how do I do homework that requires a computer with no electricity? How do I juggle such a complex workload, even by college standards, solely by candlelight? My dad refused to take me to the library or anywhere else, and even before my mom left, he’d get his way by arguing that “he wasn’t my babysitter.” Despite the severe depression I was feeling by the time we lost power and hot water in our home, I thought this was just life and what others went through. People began noticing that I was dropping down to 90 pounds, unable to afford much of anything other than canned Ranch Style Beans that my dad insisted we eat (I gag to this day at the thought of eating these).

Even though my dad forced me to work after school and on weekends with him on his “palomitas wagon” as he affectionately referred to his meager pull-behind concession stand, we still couldn’t make ends meet enough to eat.

My AP Biology teacher took it upon herself to have the school host a canned food drive for us and the district paid several months of our utilities to help me out. I’d never been more mortified, and my dad had never been angrier with me. This was around the time he began becoming more meanspirited toward me, now regularly regarding me as “Boy” when I was at home.

It was hot and dusty on the trek home with DDJJ from high school, and one awful day I came home from school after being accosted by several dirt devils (dust tornadoes for the unfamiliar). I was already in a prickly mood and sick of life’s shit by this point, often deliberating the path of least resistance when it came to committing suicide. I came in through our open garage to my dad sitting at what used to be our dining room table when my mom was there, and what had been transformed into his project table for motorcycle engines and whatever stupid mechanic bullshit he had been cooking up at that point. He was enjoying Ritz and a can of cheez-whiz when I threw my backpack on the floor and flopped into a chair next to him. He chuckled at me with how caked in dirt my face was (I have oily skin even as an adult) and on the first, “Boy…” uttered, I took that can of cheez-whiz and beat the FUCK out of his face as hard as I could.

The thrill of power and adrenaline I had was amazing for all of three seconds until utter terror ripped through me with the face of contempt and venom I saw on him. He grabbed the whiz can, reared back, and changed trajectory at the last minute, launching it into our backyard sliding glass door.

He didn’t speak to me for about two weeks afterward.

About a month later, we moved three houses up the street to a bad deal home that he took up. By this point, this straight-A student was skipping school and desperately wanting out of life. Which was the lesser of evils? The angry, abusive father who directed his hatred for the Mexicans, Blacks, and women now toward me? (Oh, yes: my dad is also very racist. This was a norm for me that I wouldn’t realize until my late 20s.) Or the unreliable and shrill alcoholic mother who at least feigned love for me?

I called my mom to pick me up. This was my last opportunity to try to live a life with some blip of happiness.

My mom had rekindled her relationship with Dave, her first husband from the age of 17. All I knew about him when I moved in was that he looked like Bluto from Popeye and my dad treated his name like Voldemort’s, but I’d soon learn that both he and my maternal grandmother (her house that we lived in) were all just as awful as Dad but in different ways.

About a month into living in Sacramento [again] with my mom, grandma, and Dave, I woke up around 4 am to belligerent crying. My mom and Dave were wasted, and he open-palm slapped her for dancing with another guy at the bar they had gone out to.

Nope. No. No. No. Absolutely not. Not this all over again.

I called my dad almost 300 miles south. “What do you want me to do? Call the cops. But hide your phone in your panties; don’t let your mom have it.” Mom tried so hard to get into my room for consolation about her situation, and I was tired at this point of being the parent to my parents and enduring the emotional incest of both. I began slamming my bedroom door on her arm in attempt to break her elbow or shoulder, then locked it when she quickly faltered.

The cops came and arrested her for being drunk in public later that morning. She was quite upset that I called the cops on her and vowed to get me admitted to juvenile hall (yeah, it doesn’t work like that, but the message was still received that she hated me in that moment), moving into the street towards the two officers that arrived—and that was all they needed. I was left with Dave and my grandma, but I’d be damned to stay with them: so, I called my aunt, the one my mom would gamble and drink with about a decade prior.

I stayed with my Aunt Janie for a couple of days. She still abandoned my cousin and I for the casino or meth, but I was older at this point and the reprieve from the screaming, threats, chaos, and fear was welcome. My cousin Desiree was well versed by Janie’s antics at this point and was unphased, having learned to take care of herself by the sad age of 12 [and I had recently turned 15 at this point].

Unfortunately, Mom had been released from the drunk tank and was on her way by the end of the second day. Normally people are housed for about 12-24 hours in jail for drunk-in-public charges, but she was lucky and stayed the whole weekend due to their booking system going down during that time. And she. Was. Livid.

Everything that proceeded her short stint in jail was a blur, but it happened something like this: Dave left, my dad moved in, we lived in Sacramento together for roughly 2-3 months before the fights grew vicious enough that we needed to get out, and he and I moved into a 16-foot camper trailer to a mobile home court down the street for the next six months.

During this time, I began charter school and was in an accelerated program to catch up dropping out of Golden Valley to move to Sacramento halfway through my sophomore year. This charter program only required one hour a week for me to be in class and see my teacher, which afforded me enough time to get a non-palomitas wagon job and I began working full-time [illegally] for a nearby KFC for the next two years.

I graduated a year early and as a Valedictorian in 2010, right before turning 17. During this time, I endured:

More abuse from my father.

Dave trying to kill my mom, her now boyfriend R., and my grandma by burning their house down. The homeowner’s insurance resulted in my charred possessions garnering me a $4,000 check in which I bought my first SUV with.

Ended my almost two-year relationship with D. (unrelated to DDJJ at Golden Valley) who was my statutory relationship—I was 15 and he was 19, and everyone knew but didn’t give a damn.

An awful month-long relationship with C. who was an abusive Mormon-turned-Catholic-turned-Atheist-turned-heroin-addict. He let me take his virginity and when I had a miscarriage, he said I killed his son. Then he cheated on me.

A six-month-long relationship with W. who at that point had turned me into a massive stoner. Cannabis became my escape from reality from 2009 through 2011. He also cheated on me.

A one-month relationship with K. Who cheated on me with eight women.

A one-month relationship with E. He was nice but ghosted me after a month because he liked video games better.

And the worst birthday present I’ve ever received. One of the childhood girlfriends I had before I left for Texas re-entered my life, D. (so many D names). D. and her boyfriend W. promised me a good time for my birthday, and they knew just the trick: W. had a brother named Dustin, and Dustin was horny for just about anything. Including my naïve ass. For my birthday, D. and W. took me to Dustin’s house, barricaded the door to his bedroom from the outside, and giggled while I screamed for help as I was being raped.

I began attending Sierra College at 17 where I took one semester at 16 units while juggling a full-time schedule at KFC. I was tired, especially of taking care of my dad. By this time, we had moved into an apartment where I was covering half the rent and most of the utilities. Why didn’t he work all these years? Well…

While in Vietnam, he was stabbed in the back by a young Vietnamese girl of about 10. She met her untimely fate at his hand, but that back injury prevailed to the current day. He used this injury to get out of a good paying job when I was about three years old and retired early with Social Security disability. And once you’re on that, you can’t get it back if you forfeit it through taking another job. So, my dad has been working under the table and committing tax evasion for about 20 years.

While I was at Sierra College, I met C. and this was right about where my life became irreparably worse as my unknown and untreated Borderline and cPTSD symptoms were fully out in the open. Up until meeting C., I was vehemently against drinking of any kind because of my mom, but it was his vice. This was the beginning of what would become a terribly unstable almost five-year relationship.

From the age of 17 to 22, C. and I took turns hurting each other through cheating, drug abuse, physical violence by my hand on one occasion, suicide attempts and self-mutilation (also by my hand).

With Borderline Personality Disorder, there are nine criteria total, and one has to meet any five of them to be diagnosed. These nine are: fear of abandonment, whether real or perceived; unstable relationships; unclear or shifting self-image (or unstable/lack of identity); impulsive and self-destructive, behaviors through either binge eating, risky sex, spending issues, reckless driving, etc.; self-harm and/or suicide attempts; extreme emotional mood swings; chronic feelings of emptiness; and explosive anger.

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2014, less than a year before things with C. ended, and I had checked off all the boxes. I wouldn’t learn until 2018 that cPTSD shares quite a few of the same criteria as well.

Before summer of 2015, I had had very short relationships or one-night stands with five more guys and a 5250 hospitalization at Heritage Oaks in Sacramento from an almost successful attempt by hanging after I was raped via sodomy once more. I was so exasperated of life at this point, of feeling unloved, rejected, unworthy, ugly, unsuccessful, and by this time I was coming to terms with the contradiction that as an existential nihilist and Atheist, there couldn’t possibly be a god with treatment like this, but also maybe…my role in life was to be used.

Maybe that’s why all of this has happened to me. This is my God. This is my Higher Power: the concept that maybe rape and violence and mistreatment happen to certain people because that’s their pre-determined role. I decided I was a martyr for pleasure for others. I was unlovable, flawed, broken, and ugly: please, can we spare the pretty, successful, clean, and happy women/men/children and make me a beacon for hate and rape? If I can keep just one more guy away from all of that, I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Because it’ll all make sense in the end, right?

My internalized misogyny and self-loathing warped my perception of life and how I navigate it well into the present day, and currently this is the concept I struggle with: that sometimes, bad things just happen for no reason other than wrong place and wrong time. To cope with my life experiences by the time I was 22, I began seeking out movies in the extreme horror genre: Salo, or a 120 Days in Sodom; A Serbian Film; Martyrs; I Stand Alone; Irreversible; Nymphomaniac; Cannibal Holocaust; Cannibal Ferox; I Spit On Your Grave (1978); Ken Park; Kids; Trash Humpers; Gummo; Trauma; Dogtooth; Antichrist; and more.

These movies became my personality. I never sought them out for shock value or to be perverse, but rather to feel less alone. My tastes in movies became ever more depraved, and some of you reading may be well versed in them. For those who aren’t, they’re snuff-film in nature. I’ve since switched to books as my current extreme horror genre: Eric LaRocca, Aron Beuregard, Samuel R. Delaney, Matthew Stokoe, and many other authors who cover topics of incest, rape, necrophilia, cannibalism: you name it. I’ve grown desensitized to just about anything and every time I indulge, I’m left with a widening internal void and adrenaline. Feeling miserable is my safe, my norm, and I’m used to it without ever being truly used to it. I like increasing my internal void in hopes that one day, there’ll be nothing left to feel and I’ll be free.

I met T. in the summer of 2015. We were together about six months before we got married. In 2019, we separated and to this day, I’m trying to idiot my way through the divorce. On New Year’s 2018, the last girlfriend I had named K. was sexually assaulted at a party we both attended. Her predator was the husband of the host, and K. told me about this the next day. The Husband tried the same on me, but I wasn’t yet drunk enough to fall victim. On K’s birthday, Friday April 12th, 2018, it was my turn and I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted by a Lyft Driver after my husband angrily left the tavern we were celebrating K’s birthday at.

I wandered downtown Sacramento for a couple of hours, drunk and sad with a dead phone. I wasted the last of the battery trying to contact T. but his phone was either off or dead. Then the Lyft Driver came and followed me. I ran into him twice in his car and he seemed nice, and I was desperate. I explained that my phone was dead, but he was okay doing this trip pro-bono because I seemed lost and stressed.

I didn’t know that fear would lead a person to try to jump out of a car going 70 miles per hour while the driver tried to forcefully digitally penetrate them.

The Lyft Driver gave up after my escape attempt and took me back to my apartment complex. I gave him the wrong apartment number and he locked me in his car until I complied with a disgusting, blubbery kiss. (This is indeed the story referenced further down in my Tumblr; some details in that story were fabricated, such as the date, names, and phone percentages to keep it hidden, but fuck it: the above are the true events.)

A part of me came unhinged that early morning and for the next few years, I would try like hell to make it out of this life, to include falling victim to one more account of rape by I., a guy from high school who tricked me into feeling wanted when I was finally reduced to dust emotionally.

But at least the Lyft Driver was charged just a few weeks after he was caught: https://www.eastbaytimes.com/2018/05/16/lyft-driver-charged-in-sexual-assault-of-passenger-in-fremont/

My dad suffered a severe stroke in July 2019. He called me from the hospital and told me he wanted to kill himself, and could I find the gun in his underwear drawer. “Dad, you’re not supposed to have guns. You’re a two-time convicted felon.” I found the gun and did the opposite by hiding it in another part of his house, some Frankenstein’s contraption he made himself. My dad was cunning and artistic like his brothers and sisters, and I’m convinced he could rig a gun out of tree bark and acorns at this point if it meant he could avoid the law.

He grew worse over time, forgetting who my mom was on occasion, forgetting key events, and went from being an Atheist to a megalomaniac Christian who would’ve married Trump himself if it weren’t for the whole being-gay-is-wrong thing. His comments towards me and my body became increasingly inappropriate, his racism proclaimed with less awareness of his surroundings, and the manifestation of PTSD from the Vietnam War came out in ways I’d never seen before. He also struggled to walk and move like he used to.

In February 2020, Dad called me and offered me a full-paid trip on a cruise to wherever I wanted, the catch being I had to come over and say hello. I thanked him and declined, then hung up. I haven’t spoken to him since and I also avoided being trapped on a cruise ship with hundreds of others as the world descended into panic over COVID-19.

I’m still reeling over my most recently ended relationship (or maybe I’m still with him? I don’t know—I’ve broken up with him several times now, but we try to repair and the dysfunction continues) and I’m not ready to add that here.

But I’m trying. I tried to drown myself while high on edibles last month, but the body’s will to survive even while heavily intoxicated overtakes the desire for the void (or afterlife depending on what you believe). I still struggle with thinking my only purpose is to give myself to others which has turned me into a workaholic, but I’d say throwing myself into perfectionism over insurance is several steps up from accepting rape as my responsibility and fault. I deal with emotional flashbacks (cPTSD symptom) almost daily and learned last year that I was raped by my dad when I was about three years old; the nightmares of him doing this to me over the years make a lot more sense now even though I don’t remember the details.

I’ve always wanted to bear my soul and experiences to someone who would understand but my resolve is that there’s no one that could possibly understand whether they had it better or worse than me. I often feel unsafe even when I’m home with my cats and nothing bad is happening and I walk through life with a sense of, “When will the other shoe drop?”

I’m really trying to be okay. I don't want compassion. I don't want pity. I don't want love. I don't want justice. I just want to know why the fuck I'm here and where do I belong?

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #trauma #writing #cPTSD #sexualassault #autobiographical

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