#i think he'd be upset because he didnt like the thought that he almost made hank go through the grief cole put him through again

[unmotivatedartistry]

kinda thing i thought of

Even though in canon, most likely this wouldn't end up happening but what if Hank thought that originally, when (if) Connor deviated, that he'd hate him and etc etc because he, by technicality, was his owner and sorta wasn't all that nice in the beginning. Sure, he got better, but he wouldn't admit that to himself, and end up thinking Connor would leave him when he deviated.

Why? Because most deviants left their originally work areas and owners and seemed to resent them when Hank saw it in the cases he and Connor did. And, in this like, au, vision, headcanon, idea, whatever, Connor was pretty cold when he first met Hank which made Hank a little bit of an asshole towards him before Connor started to like.. grow into being alive lol. So, naturally, Hank assumes the minute Connor deviates and actually is alive and has choices that he'd hate Hank for being an asshole and abandon him, right? Correct.

And so he lives like this the entire rest of Connor's pre-deviation. (This like, thought process was especially significant after the Bridge scene.) This like, trying not to get attached to Connor even though he kept seeing him like Cole because he knew he'd leave him ("knew"). He didn't want to feel like he lost a friend, a son, Cole again.

When he saw Sixty come, he knew it wasn't Connor. He knew Connor deviated. He thought Connor had left him. It took all he had not to just fucking re-experience the grief of losing someone again.

Even though they weren't that close, it was just something between the two. (found family go brrrr) Something that made them feel close, like family almost.

Seeing Connor in the Cyberlife Tower felt like a relief. But seeing how he tried so desperately to defend Hank, it shattered his entire world-view. He spent a good portion of knowing Connor thinking he'd leave him after becoming an actual person, but now he was faced with a completely different option. Maybe Connor did care about him?

He'd never admit that he probably cried afterwards. Probably happy to see Connor again and have that one shred of hope. Of course he acted normal (ish) in the tower, had to. Couldn't let Connor know this revelation was happening now.

Seeing Connor after the whole revolution, that fucking hug fucking broke him. Because he thought he'd never see Connor again. He thought Connor woulda hated him afterwards. Turns out, he didn't. Turns out, the dude actually likes him. Wow. Hank never thought that was possible. Especially after how much he hated androids.

Even after Connor was clearly a deviant, even after Connor clearly expressed how he wanted to stay friends with Hank after the revolution, Hank couldn't seem to accept it. He banged into his head that Connor would've left him and now? What else was he supposed to do?

But god DAMN did Connor freak out when he found out. Y'know, imagine finding out that someone who you care about so much and see as a father figure thought you'd leave them.

And Connor managed to work it out with Hank. Probably. Because you don't want to ruin your amazing relationship with your dad basically because of preconceived ideas that can be resolved.

Also might make a comic with this later. Just to overload myself even more with work!

[andraxicated]

sports festival shenanigans w/ scaramouche pt.2

Pairings: scaramouche x f!reader

Request: HI about your sports festival prompt, it reminded me of Maid Sama's sports festival episode. Its a very old anime though, I was hoping you'd be able to make a Scaramouche version of it. Context: so in the episode there were different prizes for all the events played, for the second final event, the prize was to receive a kiss from the protagonist's friend which who was kinda made to be the prize without consent :( she's popular among the males in the school apparently. In the end the male lead won for the protagonist because there was this other guy who was very desperate to win and tried to trip up the protag to get ahead of her, who also tried to do the same to the male lead when he caught up to that nasty guy >:( he fell on all fours in shock that he male lead jumped (to avoid his leg) and won the race, and protag came in second — male lead didnt want the kiss prize and it ended up going to second place (protag). What if Scaramouche's s/o was the prize in this (if you're able to write this for me) whoever wins the race can be up to you :p

Tags: fluff

a/n: YES I WATCHED MAID SAMA TOO!!! usui is so <3 he was THAT guy!

pt.1

it's the 2nd day of the sports festival and scara is thinking of resting from the participation and spending time with you, but it seems like the universe won't let him rest. there's always something happening these days

for example: you running to him in tears that he almost dropped everything to meet you halfway

"what's wrong?!" he searches your body for any more wounds or scratches while your lips are curved upset. "I lost the game!" you whine and he stops being dramatic, rolling his eyes at your attitude.

"what game?" "it's the one deciding the prize for the next race" you reply and scara seems uninterested, just what was the prize to make you so upset?

"and? what's the prize?"

"me. a kiss from me." you say, waiting for him to run off and strangle the committee but he surprisingly took it well! or so you thought...

all the little workers in his brain are now getting themselves ready for the race. forget childe's competitiveness, scaramouche won't let himself lose in this race. your life and everyone else's are in his hands

this was one prize he'd cheat to win (or not, coz he'd get ousted from the game)

bro code! everyone backed out from the race when they saw the name of the prize and scaramouche's purple head at the starting line. except for those who really wanna die...

the whistle blows and the race starts! you'd think the taller the person the faster they are in running. but scaramouche who lacked in the height department is leading the race like a bulldozer.

he views each obstacle course like the hardships he went through in life, and what did he do? he overcame them! everyone thinks he got possessed by the spirit of power and speed

several contestants are eliminated and scara muses 'weak ass mfs'. but he shouldn't forget that there are still pathetically clinging onto the hope of winning

the goal is near and scaramouche speeds up his feet but the fatigue is slowly catching up to him. nevertheless, he has to win this for you and for him. but the thorn at his side was the only thing he has to eliminate to reach the top.

he jumps to get ahead while grabbing the other guy's head albeit too harshly. "loser" scara jeers and smirks while his body comes in contact with the white tag; an exhilarating feeling of triumph courses through him as the committee announces his name, he somehow started to understand the thrill of competitions.

his supportive friends carry him and toss him in the air as if weightless, his mortified complaints went unheard. and to further embarrass the campus gremlin, the boys made a makeshift throne from their arms for him to sit on and deliver him to your spot.

scaramouche soon realizes the prize is in front of him; your sweet smile welcoming him like he came home from war. his cheeks flush from the public's eyes on him, the victory kiss dispersing his sanity as he acts like a shy teenage boy.

"virgin behavior" he faintly heard someone say or was his ear playing tricks on him?

while he was caught off guard, you advance and press a kiss to his cheek, plump lips coming in contact with the smooth skin. a tickly breath entering his ear as his brain short circuits and his heart pounds uncontrollably from the trickery you confessed to him. "I actually put myself as the prize. sorry bout that hmm?" you whisper, then you gave him another kiss but bolder on the lips.

"wahhhh!" and the crowd went wild as people hugged themselves and screamed as if they were watching a soccer game. meanwhile, his idiotic friends pretended to cry from the scene unfolding before them.

"MY BOY'S ALL GROWN UP NOW!"

[virtual-luvr]

Weak

Pairing: Kaoru x Reader

Pronouns: none used

Content: sk8 spoilers, cherry gets hurt, concussion, angst to fluff, fighting, not specified but you're married

Description: Kaoru didn't want you to see him like this, and he didn't want to see you so hurt either.

Notes: request for @akira627 :D! My beloved Cherry, I love him

---------------------------

Kaoru was stressed, incredibly stressed.

He loved you, he really did. But he didnt want you here, not right now.

The timer made a loud noise as it starts going off, people shouting and yelling, it made Kaoru sick.

He had been training so long, waiting for the beef with Adam.

Having you here, having to see it, was not something he wanted.

You ran towards him as the timer ticks down to zero. He looks back before looking at you with a huff.

"Why are you here? I told you not to come"

The smile on your face was almost instantly gone.

Kaoru had told you not to come, he knew how the beefs with Adam went, if that were to happen to him, it wasnt something he wanted you to see.

Yet here you were.

"I wanted to come by and see you, i thought you would be happy"

"You know what we talked about-"

"Do you just think im weak, Koaru."

Silence.

"That tells me everything, thanks" You spat out sarcastically.

As soon as he's about to speak up, the yells over others finally hit him again.

He looks back at the big screen and seen his name, it's officially time for his beef with Adam.

Before he can tell you anything else he's dragged away, looking back at you he tries to stop the people from dragging him away but Adam grabs him by the back of his clothes and brings him to the start of the race.

Kaoru's heart starts racing, and it's not because of the beef.

He knew he had hurt you, and there was nothing he could do to reassure you that's not what he meant. At least not right now.

He tried his best to break off of Adam and his friends tried to help him but the crowd only started to circle around Adam and Kaoru.

Once again the clock starts ticking.

5

4

3

2

1.

Kaoru rushes forward immediatly giving Carla instructions and questions.

If he couldn't leave early, he'd have to end it early instead.

He tried his best to pay attention and win against Adam but nothing was working, he could only think about you.

Kaoru started to lose his balance, lose his mind completely. He wasn't there in the moment, his brain felt like it was fogged up. Never had he made you this upset, there was never a time where you guys weren't able to talk it out.

So this was a new experience, and not one he was hoping to ever have to go through.

But it had happened, and now he didn't know what to do.

Kaoru tries to pay attention to the race, to anything but the thoughts of you. And it somehow worked, but not for long. Soon Adam's voice interrupts Kaoru from his thinking.

"You seem awfully quite today, what is it, are you tongue tied?"

Kaoru only looks ahead as he takes a swift turn, looking at the hill up ahead.

"Cherry, you really never know how to entertain me, fine, guess I'll do it myself. I wanted this race over as fast as possible anyways."

Adam grabs his skateboard before running up in front of 'Cherry' and slamming the boad right into his face.

White.

That's all Kaoru saw as he fell back.

His head hits the dirt and he immediately feels pain course through his whole body.

He fought to stay awake but it barely works.

Kaoru defenetly had a concussion, the hit to the face plus the additional blow to the back of his head? It was too much.

His whole body went limp as he heard silence before he hears the rolling of skateboards and footsteps running towards his body.

"Kaoru!" You yell and as he opens his eyes he sees you and your hands going to grab his face.

As soon as he felt your hands on him, the pain felt like it stopped.

His head didn't hurt anymore but his heart did, tears pricked the corner of your eyes as you try to wake him up. He tried his best to keep his eyes open but be couldn't anymore.

Black.

Everything goes dark before he opens his eyes again and is met with roof of a hospital, his eyes trying to adjust to the bright light.

The door opens as you set foot into the room.

The smile on his face quickly is wiped away as he looks at you closely, you looked so tired and done.

He was happy that you were the first person he could see, but as soon as all the memories came flooding back in, it hurt him.

Kaoru's mouth opens and closes, he doesn't know what to do.

You only bring in a wheelchair before helping him up into the chair, not a word is said.

Not even as the two of you check out, or the ride home.

As soon as the door to your house was shut you take him towards the couch and help him sit.

He didn't want to say anything, he felt ashamed.

Even when you went to the bathroom and looked for things to clean his wounds, he only looked at the ground.

You tilt his head up as you clean some wounds on his face.

"Why" you ask sternly as you keep cleaning his wounds.

He hesitates.

"I...I didn't want you to see me like, well, this."

You hum, telling him to keep going.

"I know how beefs with Adam go, I would have rather you stayed home and then I came back"

"If I wasn't there you wouldn't have even come home in one piece, Kaoru."

You sigh as you try to keep your composure, you knew he meant well but you just hoped he saw why you were there in the first place.

Kaoru's balls his palms into fists as he looks down again.

"Im sorry, I shouldn't have acted that way before the race especially not towards you. You just wanted to encourage me and I blew it. Please forgive me, I don't want us to fight. But I hope you know why I wanted you home instead of there"

"I know Kaoru, let's just listen to eachother next time okay? We can come to an agreement, and that way things like this don't happen"

You pull a strand of his hair out of his face as he lifts his head up.

Grabbing his chin, you pull him into a kiss. Just a few small kisses as he still had some cuts on his lips.

You pull away but Kaoru grabs a hold of you wanting to pull you into at least one more kiss.

"Kaoru that's enough honey, you need to rest"

"But I just want you"

"You should want rest instead, you have me already anyways" you say with a smile as he nuzzles his head into your neck.

[12016 words; oct/3/21]

[violetlilysunshine]

HEY BABAY CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MILESTONEEEEEEE!!! I'm so proud and happy for you! 🥺🥺 Also let me know when you see spiderman, i've been off tumblr for a while because I didnt want to get any spoilers, but i've just seen it and i REALLY wanna hear your thought about it!!!

Also, if you dont mind, could you writr something about actress reader × harry where she plays black cat? I only thought about that lol but it could go like public shipping her with his brother and she has to reasure they are togther or she showing him off on a red carpet. Anything really, you could go angst/fluff/smut anythibg you feel like. ❤❤

I have not seen NWH, and I don't think I will anytime soon so y'all can rest assured that there won't be spoilers on this page (as there aren't with literally any Marvel thing because I'm so behind everyone else). Also idk who you are to let you know when I've watched it, but I guess I'll make a post when I do :)

okay, I am very very very limited in my Marvel knowledge, so the addition of Black Cat will be very limited but I'll try!

Warnings: description of attire ambiguous to include as many as possible (if not everyone), pet names [bub], quite a bit angstier than I'd planed but once I started I couldn't stop

900 Celebration

The day is finally here! Premiere day! To say you're excited is an understatement. You've always dreamed of landing such a big role and you've finally done it.

You're all dressed and made up, ready to go. Your hair styled to perfection, you dress fitting like a glove, and your makeup minimal to let yourself shine. You tried to play off your character, donning a sleek black look and slicked back hair.

You and Harry hadn't made your relationship public yet, but you've been together for almost a year. You'd mentioned something about walking the carpet together, and Harry said he'd hop in a few photos like he always does with Tom, but that's not what you had in mind. You didn't want to push him, so you just told him: "whatever you're comfortable with, so am I," letting him decide how the night goes.

You've taken to the carpet, and you are puled to an interview pretty quickly. Tom's taking most of the attention of the photographers anyway, so you're happy to interview.

"How are you tonight?" the overly-bubbly woman asks.

"I'm just fine, excited to be here!" you smile.

"And happy to be here with Tom?" she prods.

"Of course, Tom lights up any room he's in," you smile, trying to dance around the subject.

"And what's it like working with him?"

"He's a great mentor, a great costar, and a great friend. Anyone would be lucky to work with him," you gush, trying to keep it short and sweet.

"Friend?" she asks with her eyebrows raised, "because there's rumors that you guys are something more. You've been seen at his parents' house, hanging in L.A. together, you guys even vacationed together not too long ago."

"Yes, just friends," you give a tightlipped smile, "he's a great guy to be around, but not my guy."

"By your own choice?"

"Yes, my own choice, he's not my type."

"Alright, moving on then," she laughs trying to keep things lighter sensing the shift in your mood.

You finished the interview and turned to find Harry standing not far from you. He clearly looked upset, and trying to hide it, while he filmed Tom. He couldn't help the pit rolling around in his stomach at the thought of you and his brother.

He didn't even understand why you were with him. You're amazing and beautiful and confident and smart and talented and you deserved someone like Tom. You tell him all the time that you don't want Tom, and he knows that. You've told him again and again, and even Tom has told him, that nothing will ever happen there because all you want is Harry. But right now, in this moment, it's all hitting him like a ton of bricks and he can feel himself spiraling.

You could tell all of the thoughts rolling around in his head and you knew that he had heard the interview.

You walked up behind him, making sure just to tap his arm in case he didn't want to be "couple-y" in front of the cameras.

"Hey, bub," you whispered in his ear.

He grunted in response, forcing a smile in front of all the cameras, "hey."

"You leaned closer making it look like you just couldn't hear each other over all the noise, "I love you, and only you," you breathed, passing the smallest peck to his cheek. Enough for him to feel it, but not enough to be noticed by anyone else.

You could see some of the anger subside from his face and his eyebrows began to unclench slightly as he asked, "why?"

The look on his face and the sound of his voice nearly broke your heart. You didn't want to get into everything at the moment, this was not the time or place, but you gave a simple answer, "because you're you."

He smiled lightly, knowing there would be more to the conversation later, but he was feeling a bit better about the relationship. He just didn't think it would hit this hard hearing the interviewers ask about you and Tom. He sees it on socials all the time, and even laughs about it with Tom and you, but coming from a real person in front of him is different.

"Would you please be my date?" you asked in the quietest whisper you could.

"I thought I already was," he answered cheekily.

You laughed in relief, sensing the change in him already, "then take some photos with me," you fired back.

He thought for a second and you figured he'd say no, but he passed his camera to Sam, warning him not to mess it up, and took to the carpet with you.

He took your hand in his, leading you over before securing a hand around your waist. You watched him closely, the gears turning over and over in his brain, "just you and me," you whispered, gripping around his shoulder as you shimmied closer.

"You and me," he whispered back.

[ellitx]

!! Long one inc with modern au college Himmel, will be hurt/comfort (might be cringe i dunno i went ham) TW: mentions of mental illnesses and self harm, mentions of injuries, and smut ye

Was a quiet rainy day as you slept, back pressed into your boyfriend's chest, you had decided to come over to watch movies and spend some time relaxing together after finals but about an hour in you let a lull like state wash over you.

"This is the only time you look so peaceful y/n.." Himmel thought, "if only you'd let your walls down a bit.. just enough to let me in.." he brushed your cheek with the back of his hand with a feather light touch on your cheek "Im so sorry that you have to carry so much weight.. I'd do anything to help wash it away or at least help lift it"

Drinking in your form as you slept softly into him, he wishes to stay like this for hours, but he knows that as soon as consciousness comes over you again, the walls will be re-built, and your shoulders will re-tense with the weight they bear. He leans in to kiss your temple and stroke your hair softly praying not to wake you

Recalling all the stories you told him, the shitty ex that was so selfish of his own desires that it implanted the idea that all intimacy was, was to please the man. Now leaving scars that you cant even take for yourself in those times even though all he wants is to please, and pour the love you desperately need into you, over and over but even a year or so into the relationship, you had only given to him.. bearly even allowing him to sheath himself in you, and thats just the tip of the iceberg " you dont even let anyone help you, but all you do is give, how much longer until you cup is empty.." He thought kissing you softly once more

"Hmm..?" You sir and turn to face him "I-i'm so sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep.." he strokes your hair again to hush you "Its okay, Im glad you were able to get some rest" he whispered kisses on the lips proper pulling you in a bit closer and letting his hands run up and down your sides. "Himmel I hope youre not upset at me.." you gripped onto his shirt a bit and buried your head in his chest "we were supposed to hangout today and I feel awful for falling asleep.." you mumbled

"Stop that now.. you were exhausted.. its really okay" he softly pulls your face up to kiss you again licking your bottom lip praying you let him in, turning you head slightly and parting your lips you let him in "Thank god at least this.." he thought as he let his toungue rub against yours while sliding his hands down your sides and slipping his finger tips under the hem of your tights.

A small flinch came from you as he did this as a bit of panic started to set in.. you were so self conscious of yourself, you didnt feel ever adequate enough even to call your self his lover or even to indulge yourself in things like this. He can feel you starting to tense up.. "Mmm.. y/n just relax love.. please.." he start trailing kisses down your neckline "H-Himmel.. I really don't know I.." tears start to well up in your eyes. He knew what was about to happen you were going to push him away and it made his heart squeeze in agony all he wanted was to give and show you love, but he didn't want to force it too much to scare you but it had been going on so long, so he tried shifting his weight to straddle you but you managed to squeeze out from underneath him.

"I-i'm sorry.. I think I should go.." you choke out, your voice shaky whilst trying to stay composed you head for the door. "Y/n Wait please!" You heaved a heavy sigh as you felt his hand catch your wrist, you try to twist out of it but he pulls you in firm but gentle.. " God y/n.. just let me in..please let me tear down those walls and let me love you.." he swallowed, his throat bobbing and icy blue eyes staring straight into yours "You can't keep pushing me out.., you won't even let me help you with anything and it hurts.. even when your sick and dead tired all you do is push me and anyone out.. saying that its alright but it's really not.." He chocked out between sobs "please y/n.. I love you.. and if you love me like you say you do then please just let me.. anyone, help you.. I cant stand to see you like this.. Ive known you for our whole lives almost and I finally have you.. and seeing you in pain from the hand you've been delt hurts more than you'd ever imagine..!

You stood frozen wet face and shaking, silently letting all the words sink in, you felt awful for doing this to him, you thought, he had been there with you through almost every step of your life, even giving you up to a man who he wasn't good to you because you said at the time because you said it was what would make you happy at the time and even now.. he'd be willing to throw everything at the wall to sew you back together, to see the smile, the true smile that he hasent seen in years.

And again all you could do is "I'm sorry Himmel you deserve someone better.. you've done so much for someone whos worth nothing.." so you get up and pull away from him once again and run out of the door into the rain but not soon after did you feel your soaked self being almost held with unwavering force "NO..! Not again.. not ever.. and plus I am not letting you leave this house in this weather I couldn't bear to see you sick from something I could prevent..!" He yells as he slung you over his shoulder carrying you back inside and into the bathroom

"Strip.. youre soaking wet.. and shaking.." he said calm but sternly ,you flushed at his command, hes usually not like this.. you thought through your tears and nervously removed your clothing as did he. You curled up to cover your naked form as he bent down placing a towel over your shoulders and held you, slowly rubbing to dry and warm you, and as soon as you were dry and coming down from your clouded tears, he helps you up off the floor draping the towel over the both of you leading to the mirror.

"Y/n.. I know when you look into this mirror you dont like what you see.. and think you dont deserve the I want to give you.. but please.." He pauses to hold your hands at your sides , to let all your beauty and all your scars, visible and unseen reflect back at you "see yourself through my eyes for just a bit my songbird.. you're not what you see.." you again begin to let tears fall and with a quiet sob "I-Im so sorry.. I do love you.. im just scared.."

"Then let me fix whats right here.." he snakes his arm around to gently rest a hand on your heart "and right here.." and his other over your womb space then lays his head on your shoulder with a kiss to the crook of your neck "Let me pull the sorrow from between your legs like silk.. knot after knot after knot.." he whispered almost pleadingly

"O-okay.." you lean into him a bit wiping your tears with the back of your hand kissing his temple. With that he gently picks you up with your legs wrapping around his waist he grips you firm and gentle untill he enters his bedroom, locking the door behind him, then setting you down on the bed not once letting go.

"Himmel.. are you sure you still..? "Shh.. please.." he kisses to hush you, then slowly trails soft sensual kisses down your body worshipping each and every inch, pouring all the love you gave him back into you trying to ignore his own arousal. Trying your best to keep still your face burned as he did this, not wanting to move and let any moans escape, you put your hand over your mouth to stifle them "no one will hear you its okay.." He said as he continues downward towards your heat "Nng.. my love I-" he felt you begin to tense up again he rubs his hands down your thighs and kisses them softly sucking and licking them "Just relax y/n.."

You breathed a shaky sigh as he spread your legs and began to slow rub at your core admiring your slick that adorned his finger tips. "Ahh..~ its a shame you've been keeping yourself from me.. your essence is divine" his hot breath so close to you it sent electricity you've never even felt before, were you even worthy of such extacy? you though stifling another moan, internally fighting the want to pull away again, if its what he wants then you shall deliver.

"Oh how Ive longed for this.. to please you, to drink in every once of you.. and to replace the pain with pleasure.." He began to lick a stripe up your slit and gently pressed his two fingers on your clit, swirling them in unison to bring you to a higher bliss "H-Himmel.. Ahh.. its so good.. Nng..!"

The heat building in you, you couldn't help but grind against him "Dont be ashamed love..~ do what mm..~ feels best for you.. dont hide your moans.. I wanna hear my pretty little song bird sing~! He saids darting this tongue deeper into you whilst grinding against the bed, he couldn't help it, its all ever dreamed of ashamedly, consuming you whole so his arousal was unmatched

Panting with heavy and louder moans you wrapped your legs around his head, letting gain more access, with him gripping onto your thighs and moaning into you, the vibrations coming from him wond you so tightly threatening to spill all over him.. so you grip his head and try to push him away "Ahh..! Im.. so close.. Himme-- Ahh!" He only grips you tighter and grinds himself harder against the sheets chasing his own release "Dont..! Aaah!! Im right there..dont push me off of you..! I love you so.. dont deny me..! Nnnng..!" And with him losing himself in you, lapping at you so desperately you come down onto him, covering him in you, with him coming in tandem..

Panting he wipes his face with the sheets "Thank you for finally letting me love you right.."

(im so sorry if this is omega long and kinda intense?? Kinda just rolling with it i have full himmel disease -💚)

ahhhh another himmel food <333 you’re feeding me so much with these sweet sweet himmel contents and i really really love it 🥺💕💕

I shall also feed you with a himmel content of my own as a thank you 😋 still working on it hehe

[noa-ciharu]

I think you were right about self-destructiveness @theanimepsychologist especially since:

The moment Kamui began worrying about Subaru's health Subaru deflected it by changing a topic to Kamui's studies. He's uncomfortable by people caring about him (like his grandmother) since he himself doesn't care what happens to him. Also subconsciously probably doesn't want people getting emotionally attached to him since he has a death wish. Yet still he and Kamui did form some sort of emotional bond but still Subaru couldn't accept in his mind that he was cared for.

He stops smoking briefly (while Kamui is present) but starts almost immediately after he leaves. Subaru is still kind, he doesn't want Kamui to worry about him. Since he recalls "it's bad for your body" he's aware he's engaging in self-destructive behaviour and in that moment maybe sort of wishes he wasn't "sick in heart" like that. That he could heal somehow. But of course that's just a temporary thought since Subaru goes back to smoking immediately and looks up wistfully to the trees (sakura trees?). One moment like that can't possibly undo years of isolation, guilt and psychological damage.

So I think Subaru sort of lied in that moment because he didn't want to upset Kamui (he's still kind and cares about the boy). It's intresting how Kamui picked different brand part but didnt such obvious lie. Also to some people nicotine acts like a sedative, sort of calms them down. So it's also possible that, beside seeking self-punishment, it has numbing effects on Subaru, sort of calm his emotional tension and guilt down and by extension makes him more focused and concentrated (and by extension "stronger", yet if this was what he meant then it's some serious mental gymnastic on Subaru's part).

About the random brands, it sort of implies Subaru doesn't care what he uses to 'harm' himself with, nor has much care for stuff around him at all. Of course, I saw theories that he picked up smoking as a subtle reminder of Seishirou (not all memories are mental after all), but smoking exclusively same brand as he did would stir up all painful memories. So random ones are more safe (?).

About Kamui latching onto Sakurazukamori topic, I'm not sure how he made that connotation but he most likely concluded: Subaru smoking to be stronger -> wanting to be seen as valuable and powerful (and something other than object) by Sakurazukamori at any possible cost (uncaring for what happens to himself). It'd be fitting since Kamui wants to bring "Fuuma back" uncaring for what happens to himself in process. He'd want to get (mentally) stronger for that. That's one of Kamui's line of thoughts. That's why Kamui could understand Subaru's obsession to some degree, but at same time thought Subaru wanted some kind of recognition, (emotional) closure or answers from Seishirou rather than to die at his hand. It'd be out of Kamui's line of knowledge since he couldn't relate to that part, unlike the obsession part which was familiar to him. That's probably why he didn't see through that lie.

[peterrparrkerr]

Venom! Spidey - read on ao3

So I didn't realize that this prompt wasn't venomous spidey, it was venom spidey, as in, the symbiote. I didn't realize until I published it on ao3, and I don't really want to re-write this, so uhhhh, I guess this is what it is!

I made this part of the Careful, He Bites and He Bites universe, so hopefully that's fine 😂

*-*

Peter thought killing the avengers would make him feel better about what happened. Revenge usually had such a sweet taste.

But it had been months, and Peter still hadn't felt better. He was left without the one thing that made him who he was. Without his venom, what was Peter?

Tony tried to help. He'd been working nonstop on finding an alternative. A corrective surgery,  an artificial replacement.

Nothing worked.

He didnt let his lack of venom hinder his reputation though. No, he found a new way to hurt people. It made Tony smile.

Peter's fangs were small, tiny and not very damaging when used to bite, but if Peter bit down and shook his head, his fangs cut and tore into flesh.

Peter had found that out in a fit of rage and upset. He had bitten one of Tony's men -he got too close, it was his own fault. He'd bitten down, but didn't feel that rush of venom releasing into his victim.

And he got angry. So angry he bit down harder, ignoring the pain filled scream from the man. He gnawed and shook his head like some feral dog, and managed to sever the jugular.

Peter had never tasted so much blood on his tongue. He nearly choked on it.

Tony was there when Peter spit the man out, had scowled in worry, blue eyes shining bright. He'd taken Peter to their bathroom and cleaned him up.

"My pretty boy," Tony had murmured, wiping the blood from Peter's chin. "Such a lethal thing you are. And all mine."

Peter couldn't help but nuzzle into his hand, wrapping his lips around the meat of Tony's thumb in an open mouthed kiss.

Tony looked on in fondness, cupping his chin. Peter opened his jaw, little fangs biting into flesh.

Tony barely even flinched. Peter released him, scowling down st the puncture wounds quick to heal.

"I'm not as lethal as I used to be," he had sighed.

It had been later that night, when the two were under the covers of their bed, wrapped around each other, that Tony hummed softly.

"Not lethal the way you used to be," he agreed softly into the dark room. "But still lethal, pretty boy."

As time went on, Peter slowly began to accept that he was forever changed. He found new ways to inflict fear in others, and he reveled in the pure feralness of it.

Now, people stayed away from Peter for an entirely different reason. Tony smirked proudly as his men scurried out of Peter's way when he walked into a room. 

"My, what a pretty boy you are," Tony grinned, sitting in the chair behind his desk. Peter strolled right over, situating himself in Tony's lap and pressing a soft kiss to the Superior's pillow soft lips.

"Are you almost done?" Peter asked quietly, mouthing at Tony's jaw. "I'm tired."

"If you're tired then go to bed, pretty," Tony huffed in amusement. He's not afraid of Peter so close to his jugular. It sends a rush of excitement through Peter, and he can't help but bite down on the skin, small fangs puncturing.

He licks the wounds until Tony's skin has netted itself back together.

"I can't sleep without you," Peter confessed, kissing up Tony's jaw again, biting at the hinge as he goes. "Please, Tony, come to bed."

Tony sighs, turns his head in to Peter's so they share a simple kiss, then pulls away. "I'm almost done, pretty."

Peter scowls, but doesn't get out of Tony's lap. Tony doesn't seem to mind though, because he works around him, working on paperwork.

Peter rests his head on Tony's shoulder. He knows Tony loves him. Knows he doesn't think of Peter any differently now that he's venomoid. But that doesn't stop the self depricating thoughts from infesting his mind.

He can't help it. He knows he could be so much more if he were venomous. Knows that before the Avengers, Peter was at his prime.

He doses for a moment, only to stir seconds later to one of Tony's men setting more paperwork in front of Tony.

Peter scowls. Its late. He's tired and he just wants Tony to come to bed.

Peter lunges forward just as the man is retracting his hand, nipping him in his wrist. Its nothing to kill, but Peter needs his displeasure known.

The man yelps and yanks his hand away, eyes wide. Tony laughs, setting his pen down and turning to look at the sulking Peter.

He kisses the furrow of Peter's eyebrows. "I think the rest can wait until morning," he decides.

Peter smiles and nods. The man Peter bit holds his hand close to his chest, complaining lowly.

Peter scoffs inwardly at that. It was barely a knick.

Tony picks Peter up and stands, allowing Peter to wrap his arms and legs around the older.

"You're a naughty thing," Tony scolds fondly as Peter sets his chin on Tony's shoulder.

Peter bites him in retaliation, which only makes Tony laugh. In the bedroom, Tony drops Peter onto the bed and the boy bounces once, grinning as he shimmies out of his clothes and under the sheets.

Tony soon follows, pulling Peter into his chest and pressing soft, sleepy kisses into Peter's cheeks.

They're almost asleep when there's a bounding on the door. Its frantic, and Peter sits up to scowl at it.

Tony grunts, muttering under his breath as he climbs out of bed. "Stay here, pretty."

Peter doesn't follow Tony to the door. Instead, he flops down onto his back with a huff, yawning at the ceiling.

He can hear the quiet murmur of conversation at the bedroom door, Tony's tone angry, but it quickly shifts when the frantic half of the conversation speaks.

Then Tony is striding towards the bed, to Peter's side, and Peter scowls, confused.

He can't read Tony at all as the man sits on the bed beside Peter. He sits up, glancing at the door to see Bruce.

"Let me see your pretty mouth," Tony orders. Peter pulls his eyes from Bruce to Tony, automatically letting his jaw fall open. Tony brings up a petri dish wrapped in plastic, and Peter closes his mouth, glaring at the blue eyed man.

"I told you to leave it, Tony," he nearly growled, old hurt surfacing, deep anger gripping his chest.

He can't help but feel betrayed -even though he knows he's not. He moves to push the dish from him, turning his head, shifting to lay back down.

Tony grips Peter's wrist, keeping him from doing any of that.

"Peter, just humor me," Tony said. No, he pleaded. Peter blinked. Tony didn't plead.

Peter turned to look over at him again, seeing a slight desperation in his blue eyes. It makes Peter hesitate.

He doesn't want to bite into the dish, because he knows nothing will come out. It'll enforce all of his pain and hurt, drag it back to the surface. He doesn't want to do it. Would rather continue living in the acceptance that he's venomoid, and just not think about it ever again.

But he can't say no to Tony. Not after everything he's done for Peter.

Not after rescuing him from both HYDRA and the Avengers. Not after giving him a place to call home, and a reputation to match that of the Superior.

So he sighs and nods. Watches as Tony gives him a small smile and a kiss to his lips.

He brings up the dish and Peter bites into the plastic. He holds for a few seconds before pulling off and licking his fangs -a habit from when he was venomous and would like the left over venom from his teeth.

Tony stands and takes the dish to Bruce, then shuts the door and returns to bed.

"You going to tell me what that was for?" Peter asked, scowling still. Tony wraps an arm around Peter and pulls him into his chest, holding him tightly.

"That man you bit," Tony spoke quietly. "He's showing signs of acute poisoning."

Peter stills, then turns around to face Tony. "What?"

"Bruce is going to run some tests," Tony continued. "I'll take you down in the morning to get looked over."

"What do you mean acute poisoning?" Peter demanded, almost desperate.

Could it be he's grown his glands back? Could that happen? It had been months since the Avengers had made him venomoid.

"He's got respiratory issues and muscle cramping," Tony says softly. "Bruce is going to give him an anti-venom."

Peter doesn't know what to think. Theres a part of him thats thrilled beyond belief that he could be regenerating, but another -much bigger- part refuses to entertain any of this, worried he'll only get his heart broken further.

He doesn't sleep at all that night. Tossing and turning. He can't shut his brain off, and he's impatient in the morning, waiting for Tony to wake up and dress.

The two don't have breakfast. They make their way directly to the medical lab, where Bruce still is, hunched over paperwork and his scope.

"Well?" Tony asked as soon as the two walk in. Bruce jumps and turns to face them. Peter can't help but feel nervous for the answer.

"I'd like to check Peter first," Bruce said, standing up. Peter glances over to Tony, gnawing at his lip. Tony nods to Bruce, hand falling to Peter's lower back and ushering the younger to the exam table.

"Dont bite him," Tony orders when Peter sits. Bruce snaps on a pair of blue latex gloves. "Just in case."

Peter nods.

He opens his mouth and tilts his head back when Bruce instructs him to. He can tell the man is nervous to stick his fingers in Peter's mouth, and in any other setting, Peter would laugh, maybe nip at him just to see him jump away with a yelp.

But he doesnt. He holds his mouth open, feeling latex fingers poke at the roof of his mouth.

"Thats impossible," Bruce says, removing his hand. Peter closes his mouth, frowning at him.

"What is it?" Tony demands. He stands close to Peter, blue eyes shining with intensity.

"His glands seem to be growing back," Bruce says, shaking his head. "I don't know how, but, but they're there."

Peter blinks. He barely has time to speak himself before Tony's prying his mouth open again, tilting Peter's head back to look himself.

Peter grunts at the treatment, mind still spinning with the new information.

Tony presses into the roof of Peter's mouth, and Peter forces himself to feel it. He feels his heart stutter when Tony brushes against two small pockets just behind his front teeth.

They're not as big as before, and probably don't have much kick in forms of venom, but they're there. He can feel them.

Tony smiles down at Peter. "Look at you," he hums, looking so proud and smug. "My pretty boy. Always surprising me."

Peter doesn't know what to say. The sudden balloon of happiness expanding in his chest is almost overwhelming. Peter still doesn't want to trust any of this, but he can't help his tongue from brushing against the small glands, mapping them out.

"How long until they're fully developed?" Tony asked, turning to look at Bruce.

The man gives a small shrug. "Based on the time it took to regenerate, I'd say maybe six months before they stop growing."

Six months. Half a year, and Peter might be back to normal. A giddiness surges through Peter at the thought and he throws himself into Tony's chest, fangs sinking into the meat of his shoulder.

Tony chuckles, wrapping his arms around Peter and kissing his head. Peter holds onto Tony's shoulder, then licks the blood away, only to nip at him again.

Tony chuckles and pulls Peter off the exam table, holding him to his chest as Peter latches onto him with arms, legs and teeth. He can't help the excited biting, or the grin on his face.

"Thanks, doc," Tony calls over his shoulder, heading for the door.

Peter releases Tony's shoulder and pulls back, looking at the man and wiggling excitedly in his arms.

"I'm venomous," he chirps, grin so wide his cheeks hurt. Tony smirks back, leaning forward to kiss at Peter's jaw. Peter's back hits a wall and their lips meet, crotches grinding together.

As the months pass, Bruce checks his progress, takes more venom -which begins to come in a greater, more lethal supply- and feels the glands at the roof of his mouth for his chart.

Tony watches on with a smug smirk on his face, and Peter can't help but mirror it.

[negandarylsatisfaction]

[SUMMARY: Negan keeps a close eye on his ex Deena after learning that the man she is currently with has a history of abuse.]

Negan and Deena PART TWO

Smut/drama/TW:physical abuse

"What do you wanna know about Michael?" Simon asked a bit confused as they stepped into his apartment.

"Everything. Anything you know."

"Well shit-" Simon scratched his head trying to make himself remember anything about this man on the spot.

"I dont know, I met him like a decade ago. I'd always see him at the Jackson bar on Friday nights. I dont think he has any kids. He used to date this one girl for a while but I dont know what happened with her. We used to hear rumors but-"

"What rumors?"

"I-I dont think they were true but-"

"What fucking rumors?"

"Some people used to say he'd smack his girlfriend around but I dont know man, I never saw any proof."

Negan knit his brow giving Simon a death stare.

"And you didnt think to tell me this after I told you the mother of my child was with this man?"

"Negan I-" before Simon could finish Negan grabbed him by the collar and gave him a hard shake.

"You didnt think to tell me my woman could be with someone dangerous!"

"Your woman? Negan I swear I didnt remember." Negan didnt respond staring at him for a moment before finally letting him go and taking a deep breath.

"What happened, did he do something to Deena?"

Negan sat down and ran his hands over his face in frustration.

"She wont tell me but I know something is not right."

"Shes not going to tell you, remember you're an asshole in her eyes so I doubt she'd tell you even if something was wrong." Simon lit up a cigarette leaning back on his chair.

"Listen, I may be an asshole but I never fucking touched Deena. I never lay a hand on her." Negans knee was shaking as he sat back and thought of what the truth could be, Simon had never seen him this concerned.

"Hey man, maybe its not even like that. You cant bombard her with it, you know how she is. She'll shut down. Just give it time, if something else looks weird, act on it but till then just wait cause we really dont know."

Negan knew Simon was right in a way. Deena wouldnt admit it even if it was true and he didnt have solid evidence.

Instead Negan was going to make it a habit now to show up more often to see Jack. Of course during his visits with Jack he'd make sure you were ok without asking you anything. He would just keep a closer eye on you.

As he planned, Negan showed up more throughout the week to see Jack. Everytime he had been there Michael wasnt there, yet he still noticed you keep to yourself more than usual. Of course you had to keep to yourself more, you didn't want to upset Michael again. Part of you knew your feelings were still strong for Negan but you didnt want to acknowledge it because of how much he had hurt you. Michael was someone new who you convinced to yourself wasnt that bad. You did call him another mans name, part of you was almost making yourself believe it was your fault what occured. Michael hadn't touched you since, as long as you didnt upset him you were fine is what you would tell yourself.

Negan was in the living room with Jack while you began cooking dinner for when Michael would arrive. You could hear Negan being playful with Jack, it was a sweet sound that made your heart flutter.

Negan sighed putting the baby down in his playpen before looking towards the kitchen. He walked in as you stirred the food, leaning his shoulder on the doorway watching you quietly cook.

"You look beautiful."

Your heart immediately began to race, trying not to put much thought to it or even look his way, you smiled.

"Thank you."

Negan slowly walked in to the kitchen looking around. He noticed some things had been changed from where you originally had them. He noticed something sitting beside the food pantry he hadn't noticed before.

"What's this?" Negan asked opening the box to find a stack of tools.

"Wait, Negan-" you ran to him taking the tool from his hand and putting it back in the box carefully.

"This is Michael's and he doesnt like it to be touched." Negans face quickly changed noticing how nervously you reacted.

"What does he live here now?"

"No. He just has some things here. That's all, just don't touch it please. Hes really picky with his things."

You walked back to the pot of food that was almost done cooking as Negan crossed his arms not taking his eyes off you. He had never seen you act this way before.

"You must really like this guy huh?" He asked just to see your reaction, he knew there was something more making you act this way.

"Mhm." You responded without making eye contact.

"Mhm." Negan pressed his lips together before you were both interrupted by the sound of the door unlocking.

"That must be Michael now."

"He has the fucking keys? Since when?"

"Negan please. I just gave it to him for today since I thought I was going to be alone with Jack." You quickly walked out to greet Michael at the door. The more Negan realized things, the more angrier he became. This man was trying to claim all of this as his. He was trying to gain a power over you and you couldnt see it.

Negan walked out of the kitchen to catch Michael with his lips on yours. Negan right away got a bad taste in his mouth at the sight before Michael looked up at him.

"Negan. I didnt know you were here."

"Yeah. Came by to check on my son and Deena. Have to make sure shes ok here by herself with him."

"Oh I'm sure I have a good watch on that." Michael quickly responded.

"Yeah well an extra eye doesnt hurt." Negan grinned trying to keep himself composed. The silence that followed made you anxious and uncomfortable.

"So are you ready for dinner?"

"Yes!" Both men eagerly responded at the same time, making you more anxious. It was clear these men did not like each other and had no problem in showing it.

Negan watched as Michael sat and let you serve him. He could tell you were nervous as you served his plate, of course you were. You had not expected Negan to stay for dinner.

"Thank you, baby." Michael said loudly as you turned to walk towards Negan with the food when he suddenly spanked your ass hard making you gasp. Negan grabbed his knee under the table hard, he knew Michael was doing this to purposely piss him off and boy was it working. As you were about to serve Negan he stood up and grabbed the pot of food from you.

"I got it, Dee. Sit down, shit you been on your feet all day."

"Dee? I've never heard anyone call her Dee." Michael cleared his throat looking up at Negan with a raised brow. Michael clearly didnt like the sound of the little nickname Negan had for you.

"Only I do. Old habit." Negan knew what he was doing and if Michael wanted to get under his skin, he knew how to get under his too. Taking a deep breath you sat down next to Jack, making sure he was comfortable in his high chair and began to eat. There was silence for a moment until Michael noticed the lid on his box of tools was not left the way he had left it the day before.

"What happened with my tool box?" Michael's question instantly made you nervous.

"Oh I-"

"That was me." Negan interrupted not liking the tone in his voice when he spoke to you.

"You let Negan touch my tool box?"

"She didnt let me touch anything. I thought it was something I had left here so I went to take a look." Negan responded confidently.

"I dont know why you would think anything here belongs to you, you dont live here."

"As far as I'm concerned, neither do you." Negan shot back.

"Ok stop." You spoke hesitantly as the men stared at each other angrily.

"Can we just enjoy dinner?"

The rest of the dinner was silent, you didn't make eye contact with either of the men. Negan stood up and was soon getting ready to leave. He leaned in beside you to give Jack a kiss. You could smell his scent close to you, Michael quietly stared at you as you stared down at your plate of food.

"Let me know if you need anything, Deena." You heard his voice close to your ear.

Negan walked out not liking the idea of him leaving you alone with Michael. In reality, what could he do without you acknowledging anything or him having proof? He would just look like a jealous man, which he could admit jealous he was. Negan left and you could feel Michael's eyes on you.

"I trust you to not let your ex touch my belongings or disrespect me."

"I told him not to touch it, Michael. I really did."

"Dont." He slammed his fist on the table making you jump. Jack began to cry making you quickly pull him out of his high chair and comfort him.

"Dont lie to me, Deena."

"Michael stop it. Im not lying to you and you're scaring Jack. You can leave." Surpsingly feeling a rush of courage when it came to Jack, you stood up with him in your arms and began to walk out the room until he unexpectedly grabbed your arm. You froze as he squeezed you and stood up staring down at you.

"Watch how you talk to me, baby."

"I said..you can leave." You felt yourself shaking as you stood your ground.

"Alright. You want me to leave? I'll leave." Michael responded calmly, a little too calm for comfort. He turned around and began to walk away making you let our a deep breath of relief when suddenly he turned around and smacked you across the face. You yelped as you fell hard to the floor holding Jack as tight as you could. Blocking his head from hitting anything you slammed your head on the bottom kitchen cabinet.

"Now I'll leave. You see what you do to yourself." Michael walked out slamming the door loudly as Jack cried loudly. Tears streaming down your eyes you cried with him.

"I'm so sorry." You whispered to Jack. Pushing yourself up off the floor you went to lock the door when Michael suddenly appeared again making you step back.

"Another thing, you tell Negan any of this I'll make sure you never see your son again. Remember my brother is a lawyer. He'll have you all fucked."

With those last words he walked out for a second time. Looking over at the table by the door you were relieved to see he had left the keys. Immediately you locked it, even clicking the bolt into place. Upset you walked up the stairs to run Jack a warm bath and calm him down. All you wanted was to call Negan to come over in that moment.

You took Jack a bath and put him to bed when you realized you had a text from Negan.

"Is jackass still around?" He texted making you chuckle softly.

"No. Alone now, baby just went to sleep." You responded in a text when suddenly you heard your phone begin to ring but when you checked, it wasnt a phone call.

Negan wanted to video call you. Your heart skipped a beat, he had never done this. What the hell was making him do it now.

You picked up the video call and found him staring very serious at the screen, he also look a bit tired.

"Figuring out your phone huh?" You teased.

"I wanted to see you." You watched as Negans eyes roamed over the screen taking a good look at you. Negan was doing everything he could to have a closer eye on you without you realizing it.

"Well you're seeing me." You responded with a smile but Negan could tell the smile didnt reach your eyes.

"I'm surprised the asshole didnt stay the night." Quickly, he saw you look away from the camera turning to the side. Looking to keep yourself occupied with something.

"Its fine. I wanted to be alone anyways."

"Guess he didn't like me being there for dinner." Negan chuckled to himself.

"He doesnt like alot of things." You muttered low.

"What do you see in that asshole, Deena?"

His sudden question caught you off guard but you didnt know how to respond.

"I know I wasnt the greatest to you but I see you with this guy and you're not you."

You stayed looking away from the camera as Negan quietly stared at you.

"Can we talk about something else?"

Negan heard a crack in your voice as you brushed your hand through your hair.

"What happened after I left, Deena?"

"Nothing happend after you-" cutting yourself off you looked up having heard a thump. Negan frowned wondering what caught your attention.

"What is it?"

You didnt respond as you slowly stood up and walked out of the room quickly checking on Jack. Thankfully he was fine and the main door was still locked. You sighed a breath of relief before getting back into your room and realizing you were becoming paranoid.

"I thought I heard something, it was just me." Negan could tell something was worrying you but you didnt want to admit what it was.

"You want me to come over, just to make sure everything is fine around the house?"

His offer made you quickly look back at him with some sort of relief in your eyes.

"I mean yes, maybe check the attic. Could be a pipe." You lied and he knew it. In all honesty you were just afraid with what had just happened with Michael. You felt paranoid about him showing up unexpectedly. Negan played along just wanting you to be comfortable and made his way to you. It was around ten at night, Negan never came over this late but you didnt mind it.Relieved to see Negan when you opened the door you let him in and quickly locked the door from top to bottom. You turned to find him staring at you strangely.

"Since when have you been using the bolt?"

Negan had placed the bolt for you a few years back but with all the locks on the door you had never used it. You never found it necessary.

"A habit I have now." You chuckled low as you walked past him. It did make you nervous that Negan was in your home, what if Michael found out in some kind of way? The thought of Michael turned your stomach.

"What did you want me to check out, doll?"

"Oh yeah, the attic. Maybe I heard the noise coming from there." Negan never seeming to be afraid of the unknown, pulled the ladder down and walked right up. It was hard not to admit to yourself that besides the differences you both have had, you could always count on him whenever you needed him.

"Just like I thought! Theres nothing up here." He yelled from the attic.

"You sure?"

"Shit, come see for yourself."

Negan chuckled as he came back down the ladder, you had always been afraid to go up to the attic alone.

"I know I heard something." You whispered as he made his way to you and leaned his face in close.

"You sure, sweetcheeks?" He teased making you chuckle. Negan loved teasing you, he always liked seeing you laugh.

"Oh stop." You playfully shoved him which only made him bounce back closer to you. The two of you stopped for a moment and stared into each others eyes. The thought of that kiss he gave you the last time made you shiver inside. But before he could reach in and kiss you, you quickly turned away. The strong pull you felt to him couldnt be denied but Michael...the thought of that man terrified you.

"Do you want a snack, I want a snack. I'll make us something quick." Negan watched as you flew down the stairs and scoffed shaking his head. He knew you wanted him just as bad.

As you reached into the cabinet Negan walked into the kitchen and leaned on the door way. You could feel his eyes on you, devouring you from head to toe.

"I know you dont give a shit about this guy." Negan spoke confidently as he slowly made his way to you. You didn't say a word knowing you couldnt react to him, thinking of the threat Michael made, you couldn't risk it.

"Fuck, Deena why do you let him control you like this?" Negan asked making you turn to him. He knew that would make you react which is what he wanted.

"He doesn't control me so quit assuming things."

"So then kiss me." He grinned as get got closer to you making you back up into corner.

"So what you're telling me to do is cheat on him."

"Oh is that what I said?" Negan chuckled with sarcasm.

"Figures you know, since you know so much about cheating yourself." You responded back with double the sarcasm making him laugh. You rolled your eyes pushing him aside but he blocked you with his arm. His expression suddenly turning more serious, he stared down at you not letting you pass him. His look was making you weak, your lips parted looking at his. You knew this wasn't right but the closer he got the more irresistible he became.

"I'm not going to kiss you." You whispered sounding anything but confident.

"Oh yeah? You sure about that?" He whispered in return wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you against him making you gasp.

"Now what was that you said, sweetheart?"

You were now speechless, how can you resist this man? You never stopped wanting him and he never had stopped wanting you. He leaned in and you instantly melted at the feel of his warm lips on yours. He felt your body fall into his as he passionately kissed you. He took your arms and wrapped them around his neck as he grabbed your ass with both hands.

"Negan..." you whispered into his lips.

"Hm? Tell me what you want, doll." He spoke slowly and erotically. Each word pulling at your heart strings.

"I want you." You whispered feeling him squeeze you harder when he suddenly lifted you up and sat you on the kitchen counter. You could hear him unbuckling his belt as he kissed you, his hands brushing up your thighs and pulling down your shorts and underwear. Your heart was racing. You swore this would never happen again but you didnt want him to stop. He pulled back for a moment and looked at you as he pulled you towards the edge of the counter. Negan wanted you to look directly at him as he entered you. Your arms and legs were wrapped around him as he pushed in forward, the both of you moaned simultaneously at the first feel of each other. It had been too long since he felt you and he didnt know how long he could control himself before exploding.

"Holy fuck." Negan muttered as he got into rythm. Aggresivly pulling off his shirt he threw it across the room. You moaned loudly as Negan broke out in a sweat, it took alot of him not to burst with each moan you let out. You screamed as you leaned your head back against the wall, fully exposing your neck. Negan wrapped one hand around your throat and gave you a hard squeeze as he moved faster. You squealed as he used the same hand to now grab your hair pulling it back hard.

"Negan!" You grabbed onto him tightly, the sound of your voice helpless calling for him made it hard for him to control himself any longer.

"Fuck, Deena- I cant fucking hold it-" before he could finish he groaned loudly letting himself explode within you. You moaned as he buried himself deeply, his body against yours. The two of you panting uncontrollably in each others arms.

"Negan." You whispered in a shakey voice before he pulled back and slowly pulled himself out.

"Fuck, I couldnt stop it." He spoke breathlessly falling back onto the chair behind him.

"You know how long I've been waiting for that." He chuckled making you laugh.

Jack had still been sleeping while you and Negan lay in bed under the covers. Your face on his chest as he rubbed your hair back gently. It was nice forgetting everything for just a moment until Negan rubbed over a certain part of your head making you lift your head up and wince.

"Ow."

"What's that?" Negan felt the bump on the back of your head and frowned. You knew the bump must've been from when you fell and hit your head on the cabinet. You weren't going to tell Negan this so you simply shrugged.

"I dont even know how that happened. These random bruises come out of nowhere. Dont you hate when that happens." You laughed nervously and lay your head back down. Negan stayed looking down at you not liking your response.

"You know you can tell me anything right, Dee?" You hesitantly lifted your head up and looked back at him.

"What would I need to tell you? What do you mean?" Negan didnt say a word for a moment but he knew he had to. He didnt know how you would react but he couldnt continue acting like he wasnt noticing certain things.

"What I mean is that ever since you began dating that fuck, Michael, you either have some new bruise or you're suddenly nervous with shit you never were nervous about before. I know you, Deena and you sure as fuck arent acting like yourself."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?!" You stood up quickly putting on your robe making Negan roll his eyes, he knew you would get defensive.

"Dee-" Negan tried to speak sitting up in the bed but you wouldnt let him.

"I dont know who the hell is putting this shit in your mind but leave it alone. Nobody is doing anything to me."

"Listen, I'm not trying to pick a god damn fight for fucksake." Negan got up and began to get dressed.

"Yeah? Well you are! Why dont you mind your business."

"You are my fucking business!" Negan yelled so loudly you were surprised Jack hadn't woken up.

"You know what, get out! This is why I never wanted to sleep with you again-" Negan scoffed in return.

"I beg to differ, sweetheart. With the way you felt you been wanting that just as much as I have." You stared at him in silence holding back your tears, you were not going to let him make you admit the truth.

"Get out and do me a favor dont come back unless it's to pick up Jack." You stormed out of the room making your way down the stairs to the kitchen. Negan cursed at himself angrily, the last thing he wanted to do was fight with you.

"Goddamn women." He muttered low, but he knew he had to approach this matter differently.

In the kitchen you quietly made yourself tea hearing him come down the stairs. He slowly made his way inside and leaned back on the counter beside you but you wouldnt look his way.

"Did he threaten you?" Negan asked with his arms crossed looking at the ground. Feeling a knot in your throat you couldnt respond, your silence spoke for itself making Negan look over at you.

"That son of a-"

"Negan please."

"Tell me the truth, Deena. He fucking hits you doesnt he?" His voice was stern, his eyes darkened as he looked down at you.

"It was my fault, Negan-" you cried out as Negan turned and punched the concrete wall behind him. The anger in him rising rapidly, he didnt even feel the effect on his knuckles.

"I'll kill him! I swear to God I'll fucking kill him."

"Negan, please you cant tell him anything. Please..."

"Oh for fuck sake, Deena! What the fuck does he have over you?! What is he threatening you with?!"

Negan stared down at you silently, his breathing was heavy, he studied the look in your eyes when it suddenly clicked.

"Jack." He whispered and all he saw was red. Negan quickly charged for the front door as you ran after him catching up before he could leave, you blocked the entrance.

"Negan, please you're not listening!" You cried.

"Oh I'm fucking listening, hes using our son to keep you shut. I'd like to see him try something-"

"Negan his brother is a lawyer. He threatened if I told you anything he'd make sure they'd take Jack away from me. Please, I beg you. I beg you, dont do or say anything. He doesnt do anything as long as I do what he says-"

"Do you fucking hear yourself, Dee?! As long as you do what he says? Who the fuck is he?! I know I was never an easy man to deal with but I never, ever put my god damn hands on you! Ever!" Negan turned red as he yelled, a vein pulsating hard in his neck appeared. You quietly cried before suddenly hearing Jack begin to cry upstairs. Negan sighed looking down, his fists balled up at his sides.

"Just promise me you wont say anything. Promise me."

"Ok." Negan stood aside letting you get past him to run up the stairs and check on Jack. He could hear you singing to him and ran his hands through his hair. He had never been so frustrated by a situation. He knew you were terrified for yourself and Jack and he hated that he felt like he couldnt do anything.

The next few weeks flew by peacefully, your cousin had come into town so she had been staying with you every day. With her around Michael never did anything to you. Negan knew you were safe for the time being but hated knowing Michael was still with you. You had never felt more confused, you loved Negan..you knew you did. The two of you hadn't even spoken about what happened between the two of you at all. Yet, you couldnt stop thinking about it. Jack's birthday was coming up the next day, you couldnt believe he was turning three. As excited as you were the thought of having Michael and Negan together in the same room for the first time since that night made your stomach turn. It made your stomach turn so much you actually began to feel nauseous. Brushing off the nausea, the sound of the doorbell went off and you knew it was Negan.

"Hi." You smiled as you stepped back and let him come in with a bunch of balloons.

"I picked up all these damn balloons, the cake and tomorrow I just gotta get the food." You laughed as Negan struggled with decorations and lay them out on the table.

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

Once he had everything set, he turned to you and couldn't help letting his eyes roam from your head to your toes.

"Looking good, Dee."

You blushed feeling your cousins eyes fall on you in confusion. Negan winked at you before turning to Jack and got right on the floor with him and began playing with him.

"Looking good, Dee." Your cousin muttered beside you, making fun of what she has just witnessed.

"Cut it out, Louise."

"What was that all about, he looked like he totally undressed you with his eyes." She continued making you sigh when you the wave of nausea struck you again.

This time it didnt go away and you found yourself running across the living room to the bathroom. Negan looked up with a frown then looked over to Louise as she stared in even more confusion.

"Stay with Jack." Negan pushed himself up and made his way to the bathroom door, knocking gently.

"Deena? You ok?" He could hear you continuing to throw up before you finally flushed. A few minutes later you stepped out of the bathroom looking pale and weak.

"I think it was something I ate." You whispered rubbing your head.

"Come on, let's get you to sit back."

Negan guided you by your arm to the living room when you found Louise opening the door for Michael. You froze in your steps as Negans expression quickly changed.

"Negan, what a surprise."

Negans lip twitched as Michael's eyes drifted to him holding your arm.

"Oh I wasnt feeling good-"

"So I was making sure she could make it back to the couch safely." Negan interrupted in a calm yet cold tone.

"Well I'm sure I can take over now that-"

"I got her." Negan shot back sternly.

"Its ok, Negan. I feel fine, Louise is here with me too."

"Yeah I got her, Negan." Louise agreed.

Michael and Negan didnt say a word to each other as Louise took your arm and led you to the couch. Negan walked out angrily not liking to feel out of control with this situation. You knew tomorrow would be a whole other roller coaster of emotions. It would be Jack's birthday celebration, it was already the 8th. Your heart sunk realizing what you had just thought to yourself. How could you be so stupid?

It was already the 8th and you realized you were four days late on your period.

The rest of the day you felt fine physically but you worried like never before. You knew you had a extra pregnancy test hidden in your drawer somewhere that you would take as soon as Michael would leave. When he did finally leave you asked Louise to stay with Jack while you hid in the bathroom to take the rest.

"Please don't be positive, please dont be positive." You continued to whisper repeatedly when it was time for you to look at the test and your mouth dropped open.

"Oh my God.."

It was positive.

Obviously, you knew it was Negans not having had sex with Michael in the last few weeks. Louise called out for you and you quickly hid the test and the box under your shirt and ran down stairs. Throwing out any of the evidence and without saying a word put Jack to sleep for the night.

The next day you got dressed up in a nice blue sundress for Jack's birthday. It was a very small gathering and you were excited to make this memory for Jack. Looking at yourself in the mirror you finished you make up and took a deep breath before heading out of your room. The decorations had been placed nicely in the living room. Michael was in the kitchen while Louise finished setting up the balloons. You had no idea that while Michael was in the kitchen he had discovered the box the pregnancy test came out of my accident as he was taking out the garbage.

"Deena! Can you come to the kitchen for second?" Michael called out for you as you played with Jack in the living room. You left him on the floor with Louise as you entered the kitchen with a smile excited for the day before realizing what you were walking into. Michael stood by the counter with the box of your pregnancy test in hand. The expression on your face instantly changing, you felt yourself having trouble to breathe.

"Wh-where did you get that..?"

"Oh right from your garbage can, baby." His face looked demented, he looked like a ticking bomb.

"Michael....let me explain.." you whispered as he made his way closer to you.

"Let you explain? Go ahead, explain." Michael threw the box on the table making a glass cup fall and shatter on the floor. Louise heard the noise and looked up before being distracted by the door.

It was Negan.

Louise opened the door for Negan as he came in excitedly picking his son up and wishing him a happy birthday.

"You're a big boy now, three years old." Negan grinned when he suddenly heard Michael yelling. He looked towards the kitchen door then back at Louise with a raised brow.

"I dont know." She whispered with a shrug.

"Michael please!" Negan heard you yell making him quickly give the baby to Louise and charge to the kitchen. When Negan pushed open the door he found Michael grabbing you by your hair before pushing you to the floor. You screamed before looking back and noticing Negan at the door. His eyes filled with rage, you stood up and ran to him blocking him before he could do anything.

"Negan wait- it's not what it looks like."

"Oh yeah, Deena why dont you show Negan here what it looks like huh?"

"Please, Negan just go-"

"Get out of the kitchen, Deena. I've been waiting for this shit." Negan didnt take his eyes off Michael across the room.

"Negan please, listen to me. Look at me."

"Yeah please, look at her before I have to make her shut the hell up."

"Negan!" You squealed when he suddenly pushed you behind him and charged towards Michael.

"Come on asshole, I'll give you a fair fight." Negan threw the chair that was in front of him across the room before he finally reached Michael and the two men began to fight. Both men trying to put each other in head locks as they ran into everything around them, knocking everything to the floor.

"Deena get the hell out of here!"

You stood in shock against the door way watching as Negan knocked Michael off his feet.

"Yeah...wouldnt want an unfortunate accident to happen to a pregnant woman." Michael grunted as Negan held him down before realizing what he said. Negan looked up at you in disbelief before quickly looking back down at Michael.

"Wouldnt want anything happening to that baby." He continued to taunt before Negan collided his fist with Michael's face.

"Say something stupid again, I fucking dare you. Trust me asshole, I got alot more where that came from." He looked directly into Michael's eyes but before he could utter another word, Negan punched him again. Louise had put the baby in his crib and called 911 from hearing all the commotion. She came into the kitchen and gasped at the site of the entire kitchen a mess. The rush of emotions and morning sickness started to take over you. You felt yourself tipping over to the side before bumping into Louise.

"Deena are you okay?" She yelled making Negan look up to find you struggling to stand straight.

"Louise sit her down." Negan instructed without letting go of Michael. Michael scoffed with blood pouring out of his mouth when soon you heard the sound of the cops at the door.

"My brother will handle all of you."

"Youre brother can choke on my dick." Negan squeezed down harder on Michael's neck. The police quickly entered the house and detained Michael who kept yelling at all of you as they dragged him out. Negan rushed to you, grabbing a chair and sitting down right in front of you. You instantly noticed his bloody and bruised knuckles.

"Sir, do you need us to take a look at that?" A paramedic asked Negan.

"No, this is fine-" he shook his hand not worried of any injury.

"I need you to check her." Negan motioned towards you but you quickly shook your head.

"I'm fine, I'm just dehydrated-.

"And pregnant." Negan interrupted.

"You're pregnant?! What!" Louise screamed with excitement making you chuckle. Negan himself couldnt help but smirk a bit.

"Yes, Louise. Wait-wheres Jack?" You looked around as your heart began to race.

"Hes upstairs sleeping, hes fine. Dont worry, Deena." She hugged you as Negan stayed holding your hand. "You're going to need to get a restraining order on that guy if hes bailed out. You cant be here alone with the baby, and pregnant with that mad man knowing where you live."

"Oh she wont be alone, I can promise you that."

Negan meant every word he said, he was never going to risk losing you again.

If you have ideas for a part 3 if youd like one let me know? Not sure where to go after this or if I should continue at all.

[deliciously-yeeted]

I was in desperate need of some beel fluff, so i wrote some. As one does. Uh, ive never done this,(posting fanfic, i normally jus write small things for myself tbh😅) before so please have mercy lol

I hope ya like it though, it put a smile on my face so im hoping it does the same for you♡

____________________________

You started filling the hem of your shirt with snacks, as many as you could fit in the scrunched up fabric that is, a tired but playful grin on your lips, as you thought over what you planned to do, mentally prepping yourself.

Normally, you're not so bold about seeking out comfort and such, feeling shy about showing vulnerability...but today, ugh, today had you particularly worn down. You needed something, affection preferably. You'd settle for a warm bath and some melatonin if you had to. Though, you really didnt want too.

You were tired of self soothing all the time. And Asmos care packages could only help so much. But you knew how to make it all magically better. There was only one option in times like these .

You worked quickly, excitement bouncing around in your gut, making your hands a little shaky.

Having grabbed all you could you carry, you practically dashed from the kitchen. Your mind set on finding a certain big demon. Last you heard, he was headed to his room for a bit. You hoped he was still there.

When you finally reached his bedroom door, you found yourself in a tad bit of a pickle. Your eyebrows furrowed, the realization that you wouldn't be able to open the door making you frown at the closed door briefly. You cursed yourself slightly, for not thinking that far ahead. You forgot in all your excitement.

Briefly you considered trying to use you feet before dropping the idea. Guess you've got no choice.

Dang it! You felt kinda bummed that you'd be losing the element of surprise, but the grin soon returned, thinking about seeing Beel always you happy, regardless of the circumstances.

"Beeeeellllllllllll!" You called out, letting a bit of a whine into your voice, hey, who knows? Maybe it'd get him in front of you faster?? He tended to be on the slower side of answering his door, sometimes he simply didnt hear it. Especially if he was working out or watching tv.

Apparently, whining his name did not speed him up:(

You were about to call out again, worried he hadn't heard you, when the door clicked open. The mere sound making you feel slightly giddy. Your eyes snapping up to meet his briefly. You soaked in as many details of him as you could, without just straight ogling him, before flicking your eyes back up to meet his.

"Y/n?" He seemed pleasantly surprised, dressed in a black tank top and grey sweats (you were happy to see him wearing them, because while he looked like a whole ass meal in them, it also meant he had no plans of leaving the house tonight).

His eyes were quick to find the odd lumps wrapped up in your shirt, as well as the bit of tummy peaking out. The position you held your shirt in had caused the bottom of your stomach to show, something you had worried about on the way here, anxious about a different brother catching a glimpse of you. You could feel his stare burn against your skin, he was about to say something, but then his nose twitched, and his eyes fixed on your bundle of snacks instead.

-

Not that you minded his staring your stomach, not with Beel.

The others...maybe.

Your tummy was one of his favorite parts about you, he's hands finding their way under your shirt to touch and squeeze the soft flesh more often than not. Always gentle and non intrusive. I think he'd full on cry if he accidentally upset you somehow tbh.

Boy had absolutely no shame about it, once he learned you didnt mind much.

Especially when you seemed to be a bit shy about showing your stomach, with the others, or just in general. He made sure to let you know how much he loved your squish. Be it at RAD or just casually in the house.

The only person who ever raised a fuss over it was Mammon, although, he tended to fuss over everything you did anyways;; His protests did absolutely nothing to deter you or Beel, much to his dismay.

Sometimes, if Beel was hungry and needed a distraction or a quick 'pick me up', he'd scoop you up and just shove his face into your tummy. (Much like what I do with my cat when I'm bored and/or sad) Then he'd just hold you there until he absolutely had to let you down.

Relishing in the feel of your softness and you heart racing under your skin, fluttering so delicately under his lips, pressing his face against you was an instant mood lifter for him.

You loved it, a surprised but delighted laugh always ripping from your chest, almost subconsciously. You couldn't hide your happiness in his affections, not that you would want to (thats a lie, you cant help but be embarrassed at the end of the day by the intensive joy you felt whenever you looked at him). Which only seemed to motivate him even more, and soon each time he scooped you up, he'd kiss all over your tummy, making you giggle because it tickled, before hugging you close with a small sigh.

-

"I brought snacks, and some cuddles. So uhm, can I nap on you for a bit? 'M tired. Unless your busy or something..." you beam up at him, starting to hesitate toward the end, suddenly a little unsure.

"Pretty please?? I wont bug ya, I promise." You plead, pulling your best puppy dog eyes, shifting from one foot to the other nervously. His eyes widened as his brain processed what you said, and the cute sight in front of him. If he was being honest, it made his brain stop for a split second.

He chuckled at you and lifted you up by the back of your knees, holding you carefully to his chest, mindful of your full shirt. A small startled squeak coming from you as he did so, a sound he never got tired of hearing.

You glanced in the room as he closed to door, he had papers sprawled over the small coffee table in the middle of the room, and a few (you spotted more in the trash bin in the corner) empty food wrappers around his work space. He plopped down in front of the table again, taking only a few steps to reach it. You were kind of jealous, your short legs never being a fair match against his. Luckily he enjoyed carrying you, which solved that issue right quick.

"You can keep me company while I finish my homework." He says, shifting you into his lap and keeping a loose hold on your lower stomach, fingers splaying out to get a small feel of your exposed skin. Glancing around, you dont see belphies mop of hair in his bed, he was probably sleeping in the attic or the observatory, you quietly hum to yourself, abit happy to have Beel all to yourself for the moment. Shifting forward, Beels hands refusing to let you go and setting on your waist, you hold your shirt above the edge of the table, and let the snacks spill from your shirt before smoothing the garment back down, missing Beels frown as he looses sight of your tummy. Quickly moving to organize the snacks a bit, so that they were within reach and not scattered all over his papers and in the way.

"Thank you, your the bestest!!" You say, the dull ache in your arms more than worth the effort in your opinion.

You tilted your head back so you can look up at him. Making eye contact with him made your brain kinda just...mush. Your hands slowly squeezing his on your waist, lifting them so you move a bit.

You tore you gaze from his, before turning around and wrapping your arms around his nack and your legs around his torso,(like a koala in his opinion).

Scooting as close as you could get away with, (your not as stealthy as you give yourself credit for, he knows, he just too nice to tease you for it, and he doesn't want you to stop), so you could snuggle up to him and be comfy at the same time. Which wasn't all that hard to do with him, being the teddy bear he is.

Your eyes glazed over slightly, and you were distracted as you mind pulled your attention away.

Ah, you were in pure bliss, you could die happy like this~

You had grabbed plenty of snacks, being sure to vary in your choices, knowing Beel would like to have options, and hoping to be able to buy some extra time with him and a cute Beel smile as a reward for your effort. Tho, youd do it anyways.

Not that you'd ever admit to that. Nuh uh, no way. Unless he asked nicely, you'd give in embarrassingly fast if he ever did, the realization making your face heat up.

But...

Embarrassment be damned, youd never tell Beel 'No'.

He looks down at you, face going all blushy and soft at your slightly dazed and flushed expression. Your thoughts getting the best of you for a moment. Shaking your head slightly and letting out a resigned sigh.

"Of course you can," you snap out of it when he speaks up, looking up at him, quick to give him your full attention. "I love when you cuddle up with me, it helps me focus a bit. You didn't have to bribe me, though, as long as its you, my cuddles come free-" wrapping his arms around your shoulders, giving you a snug hug, he moves to continue. "Not that I'm complaining-" you cut him off, feeling slightly guilty about it. You were already flustered, and his sweet words weren't helping your predicament one bit. That was until your eyes actually focus on his face, oh sweet hell, hes so precious!!! Your heart thumps nearly painfully for a moment, nerves biting into your thoughts.

Your face was definitely beat red now, you could feel it at the tips of your ears even. Yet you refused to move, your eyes locked on his. A rare occurrence, one you could tell he was basking in, his eyes were glued to your face, studying it. His flush deepening slightly.

Squishing his cheeks and "shushing" him gently. Your basically cooing at him, to tired suddenly to care much about how your words or actions came off. The nervousness slipping away from your voice and movements. "Its not a bribe hun, I just felt like seeing you smile before I fell asleep on you. Heh, your smile is my goodluck charm for good dreams, ya know?" You tiredly rub his cheek with your thumb, eyes lit up happily and content. Giving him a small breathless laugh at the end.

He really did calm you down, your mind slowing down as the excitement started to fade, a fact you became overly aware of quite suddenly, your eyes feeling quite heavy now that you felt safe.

You yawned, your weariness catching up to you.

Beels quick to notice, taking note of the bags under your eyes. Dont worry, he'll make sure you get some good sleep, no bad dreams were gonna plague you on his watch. He glances over at the snacks you brought, unbelievably happy. Seeing you so cutely curled up to him, the fact that you brought him as much food as you could carry(a sight he nearly died from when he saw it) and your sweet sweet words, it definitely warmed his heart to say in the least.

He loved that you actually came to find him, just so you could cuddle. His adoration for you is bottomless, just like his hunger.

So, Beel wraps you inna big bear hug, pulling you closer and peppering the top of your head and face with kisses. He gives you a big grin, his eyes sparkling happily. "Nap, I'll wake you up when I'm done and we can hangout till dinner."

You tiredly nod, relaxing against him.

Grabbing a baggy of chips, he smooches your forehead, before tucking your face under his chin so he could munch, and see his work(not like that was much of an issue, beels a big boy after all👀), without completely covering the top of your head in crumbs (you'd told him you didn't mind, especially since he always ruffled your hair to get then out, and you loved that...but he still feels bad about it and tries to avoid it to some extent) and being able to rest his chin on top your head was just the cherry on top for him.

💗Happy beel mode activated💗

Sighing happily, you close your eyes. Beels cuddles making all your stress melt away, just like they always did. Slowly, you start to drift off, listening to the soft scratch of his pen as he starts to work and his deep breathing, letting it lull you into sleep.

I dont know why my brain wanted me to got all out on this. I literally jus couldn't stop tweaking with it. Imma post if before i decide to change it. Imma just conveniently forget i wrote this now, maybe ill like it more after a week or two... :/ also if theres any spelling or grammar issues plz tell me, its like 2am rn so im sure i missed something

[god1ngs]

Karl pulls his hand back like he's been burned, and he feels his heart freeze and then shatter in the span of a single second. Cold radiates through his limbs, and he can hardly remember how to speak. Months? Left him? No, he hadn't, he- Kinoko Kingdom had been for all of them, all three of them, they were going to get married and everything was going to be perfect and- what the honk happened?

He doesn't know if he's even breathing. His chest aches, for Quackity as much as himself. It's his fault Quackity felt forgotten. It's his fault he felt abandoned, and left behind, and all of these other horrible, terrible feelings that Karl knew all too well, that he'd lived over and over again against his will only to come home and bury it down and pretend everything is fine, forgetting everything but the one thing he doesnt want to remember. That one day he's going to lose them both, no matter what he does.

...Has he lost them already? Has he lost Quackity?

He forces himself to speak past the tightness in his throat, blinks back tears threatening to spill. This is all his fault, he doesnt deserve to cry. He fidgets with the sleeves of his sweatshirt anything to keep his hands busy, to stop himself from thinking about the fact he may never get to hold Quackity's hand again.

I- I'm so sorry, Quackity. I know that isn't enough, but I am. Kinoko was- it was supposed to be for all three of us, we thought you would be coming, I- I'm so sorry I made you feel like I didn't love you. I'm so sorry.

His voice cracks, but he swallows, forcing himself to continue.

I love you so much, I care about you so much. I didn't- how long has it been? I can't...

He can't remember, stupid, stupid, stupid- this is all his fault and he's losing everything, watching it crumble before his eyes, and it hurts so bad. The tears finally start to fall, and all he can manage is a whisper, pleading eyes fixed on his- can he even still call him his fiancè, if Quackity didnt want him anymore? The hold in his heart grows further, and it feels like a physical crack between his ribs.

I'm sorry. I- I'm sorry.

He doesn't try to touch him again, no matter how bad he wants to- Quackity made it clear he wasnt welcome to, and he's right, Karl doesnt deserve it. He's never deserved Quackity, really, he was always too good for him, but he'd let himself believe for a short moment maybe he could have him anyway, that maybe he'd finally found his chance to be happy despite everything. He'd tried so hard for it, for them, but in the end he still wasn't good enough.

He should let Quackity go, accept that he's no longer welcome in his life, but he's never been able to stand seeing him upset, and now is no different. The only difference is, now he can't do anything about it. He can't pull him into his arms, can't comfort him, can't do anything because it's all his fault. His heart splinters further, and he feels almost numb. What's left now?

c!karl

(quackity anon you're so good at this I can actually hear Quackity's voice when I read that. This hurts.)

karl...

[sainadazai]

Chapter 5

^^^

A/n Hey I drew a lil doodoo drawing of y/ns suit

So yeah, this was a quick one when I was bored. Maybe Ill do more art for this book and better art later. I also apologize for the body type being on the side of thin- curvy.

I simply drew the common body shape for MHA's animated style, and then made the thighs a lil thicker because I felt like a garter deserves some nice thighs . If its not your body type, or it offends you, I apologize, and I can take it off this story if it bothers anyone.

Anyway..

-

On the way out of school that day, you could faintly hear the quarrel of two boys from your class, the ones whose fight earlier scared Ojiro. They seemed to have so much in common, and yet it pitted against them. They needed a wake up call, but it wasn't yours to give. The yelling was hard to just walk by, but you did your best to tune it out, you'd ease dropped enough earlier when you watched them put their hearts into their battle on the screen.

Still, your mind was preoccupied, so you walked past them easily, not even sparing a glance. Eyes stuck to the ground in concentration. Just trying to follow the little scrapes and grooves in the sidewalk you stood on.

Todoroki said thank you, after you apologized. As if he'd never heard it before, that's what his voice sounded like. Like no one ever noticed that fear he had in those heterochromatic eyes. Whatever happened to him, stuck with him. Bothered him, even. You could just tell.

Why hadn't you said something more? Or maybe all you said was all he neede-

"Oof!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you," He did see you, he saw you from meters away, looking at the ground. Perfect time for him to execute his plan.

You looked up from your spot on the ground, having fallen over. There stood Shoto Todoroki, in all his deadpan glory, looking down at you. He wasn't offering a hand so you did your best to stand on your own while keeping your underwear hidden. The boy didn't seem like the type who would look, but you never know.

"Ah, don't worry, um, its my fault anyways." You had been waiting for the chance to talk to him, but now he stood in front of you, there was nothing you felt comfortable saying. Earlier in class you totally embarrassed yourself in front of him, and then scared him. In a mean way too, in a trauma way.

"I don't really see how it's your fault."

So he did want to talk to you? He could have simply left after the brief apologies, but he stayed, protesting your claim. That and the privacy, made it much easier to respond to the boy.

"Well, I was staring at the ground, so not really the best way to walk through a place where anyone else could be." You kept your gaze at his shoes, to prevent from overthinking and getting flustered. This was supposed to be the beginning of a great friendship.

"Hm, you always look at the ground?" He pondered seriously, as you used his voice to block out the sounds of yelling a couple hundred meters away.

What was he implying with that question? Did he mean it as an insult, or was he just curious? He always seemed so sincere with his words, blunt but soft. It was strange to you, but it felt trustworthy.

"What do you mean?"

"You always seem to be looking at the ground, like in the quirk assessment test, and when you were beating me earlier. Why do you do that, L/n?" Todoroki took a step forward, standing one meter away from you.

"I guess to distract myself?" You were guessing out loud, but again something about it felt okay. Like you could say whatever you wanted and he would still just be there, curious eyes staring down at you.

"What are you distracting yourself fr-"

"You were super cool in the training earlier!" You almost yelled at him, not feeling like describing the eyes that felt so prying on you every time you spoke. Similarly not wishing to relive all the years where talking got you beat up in alleys on your walk home, and black eyes began to mark your face more commonly than not. It's not like that would be important to him, at least your wounds healed.

He had that trauma, whatever it was, constantly screaming at him in the mirrors or reflections of himself. A scar that widens his stoic eyes at the mere presence of heat, something that must hurt him very badly. Your childhood bullies are nothing to him, so it's best to talk about anything else.

"Oh, um thank you, L/n, but you were the one who won after all. I won't let you best me again, you know."

"Oh, I um, I'm not sure that win was fair.." You rubbed the back of your neck, hiding your embarrassment for your actions earlier. It didn't seem to cross your mind that what you did was actually what you were supposed to do. All you could think of was the look in his eyes that you put there, and you didnt ever wanna see it again.

Todoroki could sense that feeling of guilt in you, he'd felt it plenty of times before. Alone in his room when he dreams of his mothers face, sitting at his desk at school, thinking of all of the times he lost control of his quirk as a kid, in training. He learned to see it in others, you felt like it was an unfair win because you had scared him. That was your job, though, wasn't it? Why were you so upset at your success? He didn't understand.

"Did you break a rule, or something?"

"No.."

"Then how could you have cheated?"

"I just.. Look whatever happened to you eye-" you stopped as you noticed him stiffen. It wouldn't be nice to make him relive his trauma either, so what were you meant to say?

"I just shouldn't have used heat, I could tell that was a burn scar and it was a cruel thing to do." you looked down at the ground feeling like the shittiest hero in the world.

"You were playing the villain, though, weren't you?" He spoke again, seeming to have regained his stoic presence and stone face.

"I guess I was, but I'm here to become a hero. A hero wouldn't do something like that."

"Maybe they would." He started talking with certainty that disobeyed his use of the word 'maybe'.

"Huh?"

"Not all heroes are what you think they are, L/n." He looked you dead in the eyes, the intensity of his aura growing and it almost felt like you were supposed to cower in fear. Still, you held your ground, despite now being only inches away from him.

"Sounds like you speak from experience," You tilted your head becoming more outwardly spoken and allowing your thoughts to exit your mouth.

"That's a topic for another day, goodnight, L/n." With that, he turned away and walked stiffly out of U.A.'s gates. Leaving a million questions to run through your mind.

Did this make you friends now? When would that other day come? Had you just eternally ruined your chances at being a hero? Was he right? Were some heroes bad, like you? Were you bad? There were too many questions for you to answer yourself. So you settled from going home and making some dinner with your parents, you missed them, after having to be friends with other kids all day. They would be your comforting escape from highschool, or well, two days worth of highschool.

-

When you arrived at the barrier-like gates of your school the next morning, you were rushed with reporters. They were men and women, tall and short, circling around you all at once. You could hear the sweet and kind voice of Uraraka from afar, but you couldn't see her over the swarm of reporters. It was terrifying.

"What's it like having all might as your teacher?"

"Is the hero course majorly improved by the symbol of peace's presence?"

"Why did All Might become a teacher?"

"Have you done any training with the number one pro?"

Being here almost felt like being in your own mind. Swarmed with questions you don't have the answers too, or the confidence to answer them if you do. It was overwhelming, the world began to spin around you and your palms grew sweaty. E/c eyes shot in every direction to find an escape but they couldn't, you were trapped. Then, little black dots started to crowd up your vision like ants in your eyes and you fell unconscious.

The brown haired girl who had been happily indulging reporters noticed your fall and ran to you, grabbing hold of your arm. She wasn't really sure what had happened, but she decided to just take you into class with her. The reporters busying themselves with other arriving students.

Ochako took it upon herself to take hold of your backpack and drag your limp body by it, all the way up the hill and into the buildings of U.A. She wouldn't admit it, due to being a bit shy, but you caught her eye on the first day of school, and she'd been meaning to befriend you. Unlike the group of girls who she noticed had adopted you, Ochako spent her first few days with Deku and Iida. Securing herself in a nice little group with them.

However, you were very pretty, and adorably shy, and she really wanted to be your friend. Then after your awesome performance in yesterday's training, she was set on it. This was a great opportunity for her to help someone out, and make a new friend!

Strange looks came from every direction as the short, pink-cheeked girl dragged your seemingly lifeless form through the halls. They were both concerned for you, and confused at her calmness in the situation. However, no one spoke on it, fearing a hero class student might have some weird reason to do a strange thing like this.

Well, no one until Deku. He had been excited to greet his friend until he noticed her unusual baggage.

"Hi Urarak-Is that L/n?!" His eyes shot wide and he almost jumped back.

She looked down to you, and then back up at the freckled boy, "Oh, yeah" rubbing her neck she added, "She sorta passed out by the reporters and I couldn't just leave her there!"

"Oh my god! Is she okay? Should we take her to recovery girl? What if she has iron deficiency? Did the reporters zap her with some sort of quirk?"

"Deku...Deku...DEKU!"

"Wahh!?Yes?"

"She is fine, I think she just got overwhelmed." Uraraka tried to calm him. She wasn't all that sure about your condition herself, but it didn't seem crazy like Midoriya was implying. You just looked panicked. Her head turned as soon, Todoroki walked up to 1.A. 's door.

"Oh, hello L/n.." he looked down at you, kicked your side a bit to check if you were dead or not. Honestly, he wasn't very surprised to see you passed out in the halls, having assumed you were met with the reporters as well. Todoroki couldn't blame you for falling unconscious, he wished he could have, too.

At his nudge, you stirred awake, and then all at once, shot up to your feet defensively. "A-All Mights cool, okay! He's fine, he's just fine. Please I-" Then your eyes cleared and you were no longer in front of the school. The people surrounding you were no longer reporters, but your classmates.

"Oh, um, hi..guys?"

"I already said hello to you, L/n."

"While I was unconscious?"

"Yes."

"How does tha-"

"Get outta my way you losers!" The puff of blonde hair and rabies stormed through the halls. Back slumped like an angry old man, scowl resting on his face. He was not excited for school after yesterday, and those damn reporters made it worse, bringing up the sludge monster incident. So imagine the rage when the annoying girl who placed just behind him on almost everything was at the door, looking stupid, and nervous, and in his way.

"L/n! You better get out of that doorway!"

You squeaked, not because bakugou's empty threats scared you, but because if you defied him, that meant speaking words. He seemed pretty good at words, so you didn't want to test it. His voice was also way too loud for someone who had just woken up from what you thought was a near death experience.

People were scary.

Soon enough, however, everyone was settled in class. You, in your seat next to Todoroki, who didn't seem quite as cold as the day prior. Not to say his face was any less stone-like or his voice was any less monotone, but the aura around him wasn't as intense. That comforted you as Aizawa began the days homeroom period.

"Decent work on yesterday's combat training, you guys. I saw the video feeds and went over each of your team's results. Bakugou, you're talented, so don't sulk like a child about your loss, okay?"

Said boy huffed a breath "Yeah, whatever."

"And midoriya.."

He continued talking about how Midoriya has to break himself to use his quirk, but you tuned it out because the memory of seeing it was pretty gross.

"L/n, your battle with Todoroki was risky, he was less than a foot away from a victory by the time you took action, additionally, you're going to have to get those nerves under control. We can't have you apologizing every time you use your quirk. It's a waste of air."

His call out of your name was enough to shock your eyes open, but him criticizing your work in front of others? That was terrifying. You knew he was right, about everything, it was his job to be, after all. Still, it hurt to hear, considering it wasn't like you intended on being shy. Your body just clamped up and started to sweat when other people came around. It got super hot and loud and scary until you muttered an apology, nothing about it was voluntary. If anything, you really wanted to be extroverted and say what's on your mind and be bold. The world just seemed to have different plans, you supposed.

"Sor- I mean, uh, yes sir!"

Todoroki shot you a side glance , internally a bit proud at your ability to stop the apology that rested on your tongue. He was having an internal battle with himself about why he wanted it and why he didn't. The argument points being; it's adorable when you're shy, it's kind to apologize - versus - you being confident yesterday was arousing, and making quick progress is a sign of intelligence. A tough battle for the young boy's mind.

"Today we'll be choosing a class representative. Hurry up and choose before class ends." Aizawa zipped himself away in his sleeping bag and the class was left confused. Until you suppose everybody wanted to be class rep. Then there was an abundance of screaming and begging. From the red haired boy, the pink skinned girl, the kind girl from lunch. The whole class thought they would be worthy leaders. You heavily disagreed.

From your experience in previous schooling, class representatives were meant to be somebody smart, strong minded, compassionate, a good leader. These were just a ton of kids begging for attention, really, you aspired to be just like them.

Aizawa was right, though, you needed to get the whole shy thing under control, and fast if you wanted people here to view you as a threat. So you decided you probably wanted momo as class rep and slumped in your seat to strategize ways to be more bold.

While you were zoning off in your seat, Iida took charge of the situation, you guessed it was always going to come down to a vote, but good on him for 'coming up with it.'

"Hey, L/n."

"Wha?! Oh todoroki, um, yes?"

"Who are you choosing?"

"Um, Yaoyorozu.."

"Why?"

"Well, she is smart, and kind, and probably a good leader, so"

"Okay. Me too then."

His words didn't make sense to you. Was he agreeing with you just because of something you said?vIt couldn't be. Maybe he was insisting that he, too, was a good leader. That would make more sense than agreeing with you.

"You're a good leader too?"

"No. I will also vote for yaoyorozu."

"B-b-but...WHY!?!" your eyes widened in shock as you whisper-yelled at him.

"You don't want me to?" he asked, still in deadpan.

"I-well I do, B-but um, nevermind." It was better to return your gaze to yo[ur desk. He would think you are weird if you said something about it being because of you. He probably just also saw those traits in momo, it had nothing to do with you.

-

There were almost tears in your eyes. It felt as if the whole world was rooting against you, cheering for your failure. Eyes were watching and glaring, it felt like it'd be better to just curl up into a ball on the floor. Be so small they cant see you anymore, then maybe the universe would stop hating you so much.

They were out of soba for lunch. You would rather starve.

Next to you, on the way to some random table, momo was complaining about how Midoriya was president. She didn't understand what he really could do, being that he was so shy to attention. He reminded her of you, but she would never say that. It would make you nervous, like you and he were competitors, and he is so much nicer than you.

"Hey! Over here!" Ashido called to the two of you, waving her hand frantically.

"As I was saying, he does show some signs of good leadership, but im worried he is too nervous right now."

"Mm, yeah.." Your hand came up to wave at said boy, who had been making an uncomfortable eye-contact with you for quite some time.

Over at Midoriya's table, the conversation about pros had shifted to you. As Iida was explaining his family business, or hero-business, it led him to the memory of having been told a story about you. About your dad, to be precise.

"Yes. And I dont think I'm the only descendant of a pro in our class."

"What?!' Ochako screamed, eyes wide and shaking in excitement.

His gaze flickered to where you walked slowly next to a rambling black haired girl. No lunch in hand and mind seemingly elsewhere.

"Yes. I recall the story of one rising pro from years ago, under the name of Magneto. He was almost in the top ten ranks after less than a year of hero work, and climbed quickly. His private life was kept under wraps but his last name was L/n. That, and the metal quirk lead me to believe that the L/n of our class is his relative in some way." Iida presented the information with less gestures than he used for his own family, but more like he was solving a mystery, one he seemed quite proud to have deciphered.

"Oh I know Magneto, he retired around the same time All Might got famous." Uraraka added.

They were both quite indifferent at this information, but Midoriya was thinking a million miles a second. He knew exactly why your relative retired. In the battle where All Might saved over a hundred people, and became famous, the battle he'd watched a thousand times as a kid, Magneto was injured, along with his pregnant wife. It caught the news a couple days later and he had written down everything.

So was this hero your father? Uncle? Cousin? Is this how you got to be so strong? He was so busy feeling in awe of you he began to stare. Lost in the gate of your stride, and the stillness of your lips, how they were pursed in a straight line as if you disagreed with something. Those e/c eyes were however lost in thought. Until you spoke something quietly and looked up at him, holding eye contact.

He blushed slightly at being caught and decided he should just wave, and you waved back.

From the other side of the table, Todoroki could hear everything. He could acknowledge that you were strong, with or without a famous dad, but he wondered if the pro-hero dad thing was the same for you as it was for him, He'd hope not, he assumed not, too. Even if your life wasn't what he had thought it was, you always smiled so brightly. When you thought no o[ne was looking, you'd smile at Midoriya's success, and the fighting of the kids in front of you. Sometimes he even caught you smiling to yourself in class, as you just wrote down some English questions.

That smile didn't feel like it came from struggle, or masking pain, it felt genuine. He found that he really liked that.

"Warning Level 3 Security Breach!" 

[fanficsandmoregalore]

Making or Breaking Bonds?

Matt Solo x Reader

A/N: I had this angsty idea and thought I'd share it with you guys. There you can change the name of the girl and the movie to whatever but the ones in the story are just what came to mind.

Summary: Matt introduces reader to his new friend and it goes horribly wrong. Things are said and reader stops hanging out with matt until he is able to win the reader back over.

It was just like any other day. You were hanging out with 2 of the 3 Solo Triplets in their apartment, across the hall from yours. You were sandwiched between Kylo and Ben on the couch, watching some horribly written horror movie and laughing about all the cheesy acting.

"By the way, where is Matt?"

You asked both boys and Ben shrugged his shoulders but Kylo was a bit more informative.

"He said something about bringing over a new friend he made at work."

"Oh, okay."

And back to the movie it was. Some time passed and the movie was over. You all laughed and talked about how bad it was as Ben put in another movie, equally as cheesy and terrible. That's when there was a sound at the door, someone putting keys in and turning the doorknob. It was Matt. You jumped to your feet and went over to hug him but stopped dead in your tracks.

Kylo and Ben went over to greet the stranger, you, however, were in a bit of shock. She was absolutely beautiful, long flowing dark brown hair, skin that was tanned just right, she was thin and had a big chest, and to top it off was dressed in a business suit and just the right style of makeup. She was way prettier than you ever thought you would be and that frightened you. You mustered up the nerve to go over and greet her as well.

"Uuuh, guys. This is my new friend from work, Allison."

"Ummm, hi. I'm -"

"(Y/n). Yes, i know. Matt won't stop raving about you." Allison spoke confidently and that made you even more nervous, she shook your hand loosely then wiped it off on her pants as she brushed by you.

"What a quaint little living space, Matt." She inspected every nook and cranny it seemed like, Matt just followed her around and talked to her.

"Alright, what's the assessment?" Kylo came up from behind you and whispered in your ear. You turned around, Ben and Kylo were waiting for your input on the situation.

"What do you mean?"

"He means, what do you think of her. We dont know shit about her and we already thinks she's kinda a snob."

"I cant really say anything just ye-"

Suddenly there was a loud crash and the sound of glass shattering. You all looked over to see Allison over by a shelf, looking at the ground then to you and the other boys.

"Oops." She said trying to act cute, then she proceeded to walk on top of the glass, crushing it more beneath her feet. You, Ben, and Kylo walked over to see what she had stepped on and you stared in anger at the item that had fallen. It was a picture of you with all 3 of the Solo boys, sleeping together on a couch at their parents' house on Christmas morning. That was the most treasured picture amongst the 4 of you and both you and the boys had a copy of it framed. You began to suspect she knocked it over on purpose, but didn't want to assume the worst, hoping it was an accident.

"That's it, i hate her." Ben said as he picked the picture up from under the glass.

"You can't just hate her. What if it was an accident?" You tried to defend your fellow woman, seeing as to hoe you didn't know if she was the kind of woman to do such a thing.

"Oh yeah, and she just casually walks on top of broken glass with a smirk if it's an accident. If you had done this when we first met you, you would have offered to clean it and replace it immediately." Kylo added and he swept the glass into a pile.

"No, (Y/n) wouldn't even be close enough to it to knock it over in the first place."

Ben chuckled, Kylo then added in,

"Good point. I'm with Ben, i hate her."

It did look as if she had done it on purpose but you couldn't hust assume that. Why would she do something so mean to people she doesn't know. It as if she was trying to display her superiority in a home that she had no title in yet. This really got you a little mad and as you were about to say something, Matt came from the hall with Allison.

"Alright guys, see you later." Matt chirped. You ran over and gently grabbed his arm.

"Matt, where are you going? You just got here and i havent seen you all day." You almost whined. Matt smiled and kissed your forehead.

"Me and Allison are gonna go see a movie. We can hang out after i get back."

And with that Matt left.

You stood still in place for what seemed like forever, staring at the door. Did he really just leave so casually? No goodbye, just a quick kiss on the forehead. He didnt ask if you and his brothers wanted to join. Just him and this new woman all alone. Your mind felt like a plane that was crashing, and you were the only one on board. Suddenly Ben grabbed your shoulder and brought you back to reality.

"(Y/n), did you hear me? I asked if everything is okay?"

You turned to him and hugged him, no emotion showing him how you felt, no words telling him what was going through your mind. But somehow, he knew all of this was troubling to you. He hugged you tightly and then led you to the couch, Kylo joined a moment later. The boys sat with you and you all watched several movies together. While the boys laughed and talked, you sat on the couch and thought about Matt.

It was late at night and you decided to go home. As you opened the door, there stood Matt, about to place the keys in. You looked at him then looked around outside quickly. He was alone, thank goodness. You decided to stay and chat with Matt for a moment. He stood in the living room, you sat on the arm of a chair across from him, and the other 2 boys sat on the couch.

"How was your date?" Ben asked jokingly.

"It wasn't a date, we just had dinner as friends and watched Princess Bride 2 as friends. Then i dropped her off at ho-"

"WAIT!" You stood up and looked at Matt, hoping you misheard him.

"You took her to see Princess Bride 2!? Matt, what the hell?! I asked you if you wanted to go with me to see that weeks ago, and you told me you no because you didn't really care for Princess Bride."

"I don't but Allison really wanted to see it."

"I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT, MATT!!!"

Your yell could've shook their apartment. You were so mad, you just let it all out.

"Well, don't get mad at me for that, Allison wanted to go see it, not me. Besides, we can still go see it."

"Matt, are you kidding me, right now? I wanted to go see that with you, on a date! I wanted us to have a nice evening together, like, oh i don't know, a nice dinner out, then go see a that movie, TOGETHER! But you told me no, so i didn't go see it at all. I was just gonna wait until it came out on dvd or netflix to watch it. You literally took that...that..that STRANGER out on my date idea!"

Kylo quickly got up and stood by you, seeing the look of rage in your eyes.

"Um, (Y/n), why didn't you just tell me and Ben that you wanted to go on a date with Matt? We would've set you guys up."

This was the first time you had mentioned this date to the boys at all. You had kept it a secret to yourself because after Matt said no, it seemed pointless to try and make him go if he didn't want to. And if you had told the other 2, they would've guilted Matt or forced him somehow to go with you and that wasn't what you wanted. You wanted Matt to go on his own free will.

"I didn't tell you guys because i didn't want you to tell him that's what it was and then him go with me to a movie he would probably hate just because that's what i wanted."

"Um, actually, the movie was pretty good. I'm thinking about rewatching the firs-"

You and Kylo both glared at Matt, he shut up quickly. You faced Matt, feeling all sorts of emotions bubbling inside, emotions you didn't like.

"Matt, are you really that oblivious that you didn't realize i was asking you on a date?"

Matt scratched the back of his head and chose his next words carefully.

"Um....actually..." he started. You took a few steps back, realizing what he was about to say.

"Y-you knew!?" You angrily whispered. Ben got up and punched Matt in the arm.

"What the fuck, Matt!?" He yelled. Kylo aslo began yelling at Matt and it all faded as you thought about what had just happened. Matt, this entire time, knew that you wanted it to be a date and still told you no. You had not right to be mad at him for it, he wasn't your boyfriend, but it still hurt you deeply. You took a deep breath, pushed Kylo and Ben away from Matt and looked him in the eyes.

"Matt, do you like me, romantically?" You tried to ask gently. Matt hugged you and spoke.

"(Y/n), you know i do."

You were so confused. This was all a big mess. You couldn't handle it and pushed Matt off of you. You had tears streaming down your face and were filled with a mix of sadness and anger.

"Then why did you take her and not me? I wanted to go see it too, Matt. And you knew that. Am i...not good enough or something? I'm so confused."

Matt felt flustered and a bit irritated at himself for making you upset. He didn't think about what he was saying and blurted out something he'd regret.

"It was just nice to have someone i could have an intellectual conversation with for once."

Matt pauses, realizing what he had just said. He quickly tried to apologize but you glared straight into his eyes, feeling the anger rise inside you immediately, a single tear slid down your cheek and you pushed pass him and out the door, not saying another word. Matt didn't bother following you, knowing it would only make things worse.

"Shit." Kylo said, then him and Ben quickly ran after you and Matt stood by the door to listen in.

Ben knocked on the door and all him and Kylo could hear was sobbing.

"(Y/n)? Baby? If you want to, me and Ky will take you to see it."

There was only silence for a moment. Matt's stomach turned inside him as the guilt began eating at his conscience.

"Babe?" Kylo tapped on the door. This time it opened a little. They couldn't see you and you didn't want them to.

"I dont even want to see it now. Just leave me alone, please." With that, you closed the door. Matt ran his hands through his hair. What had he done? Kylo and Ben looked at each other, nodded and went back over to their apartment.

They didn't even speak to Matt as they walked pass him. And he knew they saw him when they walked in.

"Guys? Is she going to be okay?"

Kylo yelled angrily and went into his room, slamming the door behind him. Ben was about to walk to his but turned, look at Matt with disappointment and shook his head.

"You really messed up this time, Matt." Was all he said and then he went into his room. Matt was left in the living room, feeling the worst he's ever felt. He tried texting you, calling you, writing letters to you, but they always found their way back into his apartment. You were ignoring him in all ways you could. Several weeks had gone by and there was still no word from you.

"It was just a movie, is this silent treatment really necessary?"

One evening, Matt was sitting on the couch watching a movie, he thought he was alone but Kylo was in the kitchen.

There was a plastic cup thrown at the back of Matt's head. He turned and saw his brother in the kitchen.

"It isn't about the movie, you dope. She wanted to be with you, you said no to her but did it anyway with another woman. You broke her damn heart, you moron! Take your silent treatment and like it! You're lucky she's such a fucking sweetheart, she'll probably forgive you soon if you just leave her the hell alone."

Kylo grumbled and went back to his room. Matt thought about what kylo had said. He was right, it wasn't the worst way to be treated after you hurt a girl, but he definitely didnt enjoy it. He also thought about what he had done. He knew you wanted to go on a date with him, he knew you really wanted to go see that movie, and he knew how he felt about you. So why would he have said no to you, and instead took some stranger he accidentally bumped into at work? He groaned in disappointment at himself. He felt so worthless, he thought he didn't deserve you, and that's even before the mess he was in now. You are a godess in his eyes and he just blew any shot he had of being with you. One morning he saw you leaving your apartment and tried to say hi but you didnt even look at him, only the floor, with saddened eyes. He had done this and he knew that he had to fix this.

"Ben, Kylo, please. I need your help." He pleaded from the hall. There was no answer. He ran his hands through his hair.

"I really do like (Y/n), more than anything in the world, i know that i dont deserve her and maybe that's why i said no, but i have to fix our friendship at least. God, and i even haven't talked to or seen Allison since that night. She hated the movie, she hated dinner, and me. She was just...she wasn't (Y/n). I don't know what i was thinking. And i know this is all my fault, but i don't know how i can fix it. I just want to show her how much i love..." Matt paused. Up until now, he only thought about how much he liked you. How much he liked being around you, and how he liked everything about, and that he liked how beautiful you were when you smiled. But no, he didn't just like that stuff about you, he LOVED that stuff about you. Matt sprang to his feet, his hand over his chest feeling his quickened heartbeat.

"I...i love her. I love (Y/n)." Matt looked around, trying to figure out what to do. "Oh god, what have i done?! I have to fix this!" He quickly rushed to the door and practically ripped it open, you were already on the other side. You looked at Matt, a phone in your hands, tears rolling down from your eyes. Matt looked behind him and saw his brothers, Ben was holding a phone that had you on the line, he had a smirk on his face. Matt turned back to you and felt just an overwhelming sense of panic.

"D-did you...um, hear all of that?"

"Every last word."

You hugged him and at first Matt was surprised but he was quick to return and tighten the hug. He never wanted to let you go ever again. He was worried if he let go, you'd leave again and never speak to him for the rest of his life.

"Matt," you whispered. He pulled away and looked at you, "i love you."

"(Y/n), I'm so sorry!" He pulled you close again then pulled back and kissed you. It caught you off guard at first but you accepted it. He pulled away and looked you in the eyes.

"I will do anything i have to, ANYTHING, to make it up to you."

You giggled and kissed his cheek.

"Well, could you get out of the way, me and your brothers are gonna miss a movie."

Matt pulled back and looked at you in confusion.

"What?"

"We're going to go out for dinner and then see a movie, as friends." Ben said cheerfully as he walked by Matt. He held his hand out for you and you took it then walked away from the door. Kylo followed behind and was about to close the door but looked at Matt before doing so.

"Or not." He winked at Matt and closed the door behind him. Matt stood alone in the apartment.

"I deserved that." He said with a smile.

[bloommelon]

Everything Is Blue

WARNINGS: severe angst, suicidal themes, suggestive sexual content, eventual suicide, mental illnesses, eventual character death, unhappy ending, suicidal content, graphic suicide

A/N: please don't read if you're depressed, this is a very sad story but im proud of it because I actually finished something for ONCE. NONE of this is based on real life, it's all fiction. Jaehyun just fit my idea of this character, and I hope no one gets the wrong idea that I tried to glamorize suicide. And also, I do not feel suicidal and I am not depressed because of writing this, i simply got this idea while thinking I should try and write angst. On another note, I hope whoever reads this likes it or at least it makes you feel some type of emotion. Thank you. *i did not proofread at all btw*

Song: Colors by Halsey

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August 3rd

Jaehyun and I sat in a field of Nemophila by the river, the sun shining and clouds floating above us eating strawberries and our laughter filling the hot summer air. Jaehyun had taken me to the museum to see his favorite painting an hour beforehand, telling me it reminded him of me. It was a simple painting, blue sky with fluffy white clouds on a sunny day. I'd almost stayed home that day, not wanting to go anywhere due to a flurry of sudden panic attacks that week. "When you're feeling anxious, come here and call me and I'll come as quick as I can." At that moment, I'd been filled with happiness due to Jaehyun's caring nature but I should have been the one making sure he had somewhere to go when he was upset, but his feelings of sadness weren't noticeable back then. Giving him a hug wasn't enough to stop the pain he felt daily just from living. Laughter hurt, and so did seeing me smile making guilt rush through him at the fact that I brought him some happiness, but not enough for him to change his mind.

September 19th

Jaehyun wrote poetry about clouds and sunshine and the color blue. He would have  painted himself blue if it was socially exceptable. Most of the poems he let me read brought tears to my eyes, ruining my mascara. He always wiped the mascara off, then he'd kiss all my tears away telling me that's how poetry should make me feel. I told him many times how intense it felt, the emotions brought out by the poems he wrote and he'd stare at me and say" that's how i feel about you." Intense. Wildly. Airy. Bright and warm like sunshine shining down through clouds. Most people tell you to write when you're feeling blue to get whatever you're feeling out of your system so that you can feel yellow and bright again,but he still wished for the sun to poison him. He wished for dehydration and shock to take him away instead of writing useless poems.

October 13th

Friday the thirteenth. Bad omens were shown, I just didn't recognize them. I look back now and something had been off about Jaehyun that day. His smile wasn't the same. It was crooked in a way that it was almost a frown, but to outsiders it passed as a normal expression of happiness. He painted sometimes just like writing, and his paintings left me feeling blue just like the blue sky in august, like the painting in the museum, like the color of the walls in his room. It wasnt even a sad painting-he'd painted a red rose in a field of baby blue eyes by a river at night. It wasn't even sad, but when i touched the paper after it dried, I just wanted to cry. He'd held me telling me about the meaning behind it. "It's supposed to make you appreciate things and people that are different, but still appreciate the normal things and people too. No one should be left out. That everyone and everything is more than meets the eye, you just have to look deeper." The way he talked made me want to cry, and he could sense something was wrong, but the fact that I couldn't look deeper to notice his sadness made me tell him everything was fine. I pretended I was fine and I pretended he was fine, so that in the moment, I could feel like everything was fine when nothing about that day was fine. That night he'd went home and cried himself to sleep, and he'd almost done something heartwrenching but I couldn't ask him a simple 'are you okay?'. He would have lied anyways, but maybe if i would have pushed him to answer he wouldn't have cried alone that night or almost took a razor to his skin.

November 7th

Jaehyun and I would sit in my room for hours in comfortable silence, him drawing while i read books. He'd been noticeably upset on this day. To the point where I kept asking him what was wrong and was everything okay. He started rambling about death and blood to the point where fear bubbled up inside of me, spilling out into the world and when he noticed I was terrified, he had cried and apologized repeatedly. He'd thrown his drawing pad in the middle of all of this, it getting lost behind my bed. I'd held him for hours after that, hoping he would feel better and calm down. It worked on the outside, and I foolishly believed I'd helped him on the inside as well. He wasn't okay, and the way he had talked about blood and death so freely spoke volumes about what he thought of daily. If only I'd tried to look deeper. Most of us take what we see on the outside and assume that there's nothing more to see and we should look away as to not disturb the normalcy of the world.

December 25th

Christmas day was snowy and beautiful, the sun fighting it's way through the clouds to shine down on everything to try and melt the snow, but the snow was relentless and the roads icy. The gifts didnt matter that day as everyone was together and that made Jaehyun filled to the brim with happiness, which mattered a lot more. That night we lay together wrapped in nothing but the warmest blue blanket we could find, the snow falling against the window and the christmas lights above us in my room shining down us painting our faces in green and red. He was happy, but that didn't mean the pain had suddnely disappeared and that family made the bad thoughts run away, he was just hiding them. That night he whispered how much he loved me , lips against my temple. He told me I was the only gift he needed. He didnt know that he was the only gift I needed, and that him staying could have been so much better. Maybe that's selfish. On Christmas some people expect everything they want to be given but give nothing to others. That year, I was sadly part of the people who expect and was given everything I wanted but I gave nothing.

February 14th

Jaehyun's birthday. I had thrown him a surprise party that he loved, wearing a blue dress with pink hearts on it since it was also Valentine's day. Once he opened his gifts, which was a copy of the painting with the clouds on a sunny day that he absolutely adored and a necklace with my name on it in the shape of a cloud. His dimples stayed out all day, like I wish they would have stayed for life. As a Valentine's gift he gave me a blue rose and a painting of me by the river sitting in the field of Nemophila. That night I ended up in only his blue flannel with marks of his love on my skin the next morning,his whispers of "i love you more than anything" ingrained in my thoughts forever. I'd told him the same, but it didnt count as much since he said it first, and knowing now that that wasn't enough for him to stay breaks my heart all over again.

March 2nd

We spent the day walking around despite him being vocal of not feeling like getting out of bed, and he was a bit angry with me until I got him laughing by singing embarrassing 80's songs and dancing awkwardly. We both danced until we got tired, our legs exhausted and breathing was a difficult feat. I told him that he didn't deserve to be sad and he told me "i deserve whatever the world throws at me" which made me worry about him for weeks. I didnt tell him that, although maybe I should have. I just didn't want to make him feel bad when i started having panic attacks again because of it. He didn't know and didn't mean to, he just was in so much pain.

April 20th

He'd cooked for me on this day, telling me he felt a lot better. He appeared completely calm and peaceful like how some people get after doing things they love. Which he was good at cooking and enjoyed it, so I was extremely happy. He hadn't cooked in months-not like this. He was also baking. He wouldn't let me go in his kitchen. "It's a surprise, darling. Just be patient" Although he acted normal enough, whatever normal means, i sensed sadness coming from his being. After we ate, I felt nauseous. He turned into a concerning boyfriend rather than a happy one which made me upset since I knew he was keeping his sadness a secret. While he went to clean the kitchen after throwing a blanket on my cold body, I felt even more nauseous and after contemplating on whether or not to run to the bathroom my body decided for me. Vomiting isn't something anyone is fond of, and Jaehyun was even more concerned when he found me lying on the floor against the bathtub. He threw all the food away after that and blamed himself for me getting sick, though It was just a case of me eating way too much. Once in his bed, he kept apologizing and ended up crying but I held him and told him everything was okay. He didn't tell me that every small thing affected him so horribly it'd leave him wishing he'd never been born. He didn't know that those small things were things he couldn't help, but his brain told him that he ruined everything.

May 27th

Sitting in the field of Baby blue eyes with him felt different this time. More peaceful. We laid down side by side watching the clouds, he always said he wanted to float in the clouds but not anything about how he wanted to be buried like the roots of the nemophila we laid on. He didn't tell me he didnt want to grow anymore, not by himself and not with me-not with anyone. Instead he told me how much he loved me, that he'd die for me and told me it all day. He wouldn't let his hands off of me, never letting go of my hand or arm or hips. He wouldn't let go. He asked me to stay the night and keot me in his arms until I had to work the next day, getting upset when I left. He didn't tell me I'd only have a week or two left of this. Left of being in love, left of seeing his pretty smile and those dimples he was known for showing almost all the time. He didn't tell me he was looking for reasons to stay, trying so hard not to give up.

June 16th

When I'd woken up, a feeling of dread left me near tears all day. I hadn't seen Jaehyun in three days and it'd gotten late in the day without a word from him which was unusual. I pushed the uncomfortable feeling to the side until I'd decided to leave to go see him after calling him and texting him repeatedly. While walking out the door I remembered that day when he'd terified me with that talk of blood and death and him throwing his drawing pad. Worry filled my being, making me feel sick as I pushed my bed onto the side to find his blue drawing pad.

Tears stream down my face at the drawing I found. In my hands was the reason for all his weird behavior,all his guilt and all of his pain. He wanted to die. My Jaehyun wanted to disappear from this world forever. I throw the drawing pad in a random direction and run. I call all of our friends and his family, wanting to know if they had seen him. None of them had. I didn't want it to be true.

My legs carried me to the field of baby blue eyes by the streaming river, the sun shining down so brightly and the clouds reminding me of the painting Jaehyun loved so much.

My legs were already cramping but I pushed through that pain to find the love of my life laying in a field of nemophila, his wrists slit so terribly blood is all you could see. Flowing from his wrists to drip onto the plants under him, it was so red and gory I stopped breathing, running over to him to begin screaming while on the phone with one of his best friends. Johnny knew something was wrong, his voice got further away as he told Mark to call someone. To call 911, to get help.

In Jaehyun's hand was a a razor blade and I grabbed it, throwing the wretched thing far from us. I kept shaking him and screaming at him to get up. Nothing worked. Around his neck was the cloud necklace, and despite the horror I could see, he looked extremely peaceful, his eyes shut permanently. My Jaehyun was gone, and he'd died where he loved, but he'd felt so unloved to come to this place.

I'd never enjoy bright sunny days or museums again. I couldn't, not when I couldn't see Jaehyun's dimples or hold his warm hand. As much as he wanted to burn, he'd left the world cold. The sun still shined so brightly down on us as if nothing had ever happened in this place.

🌹

[livelovelaug-h]

Unplanned consequences

Summary- I can't spoil all of it but it's #9 for miscarriage for my Jack # stories.

Sorry it took me awhile. Probs spelling mistakes. Implied smut some kissing etc. Hahaha enjoy!

Jack x reader

~~

"oh. No no." You had been waiting for a little to see the results.

You had been dating a hunter for about 5 months. things ended about a week ago when you figured he found someone prettier. He'd been hanging around with his girl a lot, so you guess it was just a game to him.

You were pacing back and forth. And now the results were positive. Positive.

positive that your life was going to be turned upside. Positive that the Winchester's would throw you out. You met the Winchester's about 1 year ago on a hunt when you were caught in a trap, good thing they came or you would be Zippo right now.

It was a little weird at first with there mom being back and then her leaving them since you didn't know the whole story at the time. You were there when Jack was born and you've been helping him through. At first you didn't like him much just like Dean but he was so clueless and puppy like that it didnt last long. You guys were pretty close and you had a little bit of feelings for him but you pushed them down since ... You seen him being born not that long ago. He was practically a baby.... But grown.

Jack was very protective of you which you loved and didn't have because your ex the last month before he left wasn't like that. I guess you knew why now. You guys were young though, you knew it wasn't gonna last forever your only 24.

Back to reality you always wanted kids but not when the dad was .... You know. And at this age ? With this life ? Wasn't really a paying job. Guess it's time to leave. After you cry of course. You cried for about 20 mins when you heard a knock on your door. You wiped your face very quickly. "Who is it?"

"it's Jack Sam and Dean said that they found a case and was wondering if you wanted to come."

"um I'm honestly not feeling too well."

"what's wrong maybe I can heal you."

"no it's just a little bug. Thanks anyways."

"no problem. I'll go tell them."

"okay!"

~~~~

You started packing everything in the room they Gave you. You looked around and didn't see anything left behide. Sam and Dean yelled goodbye and 30 mins later you heard Sam and Dean leave. You looked around taking in the image trying not to cry. You closed the door and walked away starting a new life, Sam and Dean wouldn't be able to handle of this and they didnt need a baby in the house to worry about, hearing it cry and keeping them up. Stealing a car you drove as far away as the bunker would take you. You should probs smash your phone so they don't track you. Maybe tell them your on a hunt or something yeah! That could keep you for at least a month.

"Ugh "

After 7 hours of driving you pulled into a hotel to get some shut-eye. You should probably see a doctor. Gotta find an identity to steal since you don't have any insurance. After three days you finally got a text from Dean-

" where are you?"

"I found a case I'll see ya later."

"a case ? Where ? I thought you were sick."

"I got better it's okay."

"y/n? Where's the case? You shouldn't go alone."

"I'm not a hunter is there already."

"then tell me."

"don't worry about it I'll be fine. Your not dad okay? I'll be in touch. Take care :)"

'Somethings not right' Dean thought.

"hey Dean where is y/n?"

"uh, on a case she'll be home soon."

"Oh, alright. Wanna watch a movie?"

~~~~

3 days later

You been updating Dean about the case trying to make up excuses saying you don't see anything and your hitting a dead end. Maybe you'll come home after checking it out one last time.

"are you sure you don't want help?"

"I'm sure, Dean thanks."

"okay, well hurry up so we can do game night!" Hahaha what a dork you laughed.

~~~~~

Day 5

"you some more leads and it's going good should be done by tomorrow.

~~~~

End of Day 6

Finally "got the son of a bitch" and "you'll drive home tomorrow you're tired."

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you told them. Maybe they might not want you in the bunker but they would still want to help and see you. You were thinking about telling them so you texted Dean saying you had some good news for him alongside the others.

You started getting a pain a little in your stomach and you decided to finally see a doctor. You fell asleep - waking up to a little lain and some blood? Down there wth? You couldn't have gotten your period. You ran to the bathroom and you felt something plop.

That's not good. You knew what it was. Not that you really wanted a baby but you were kinda excited. Negative. You cried more now about two hours and your phone buzzed. Dean asking if you were on the road yet. you didn't answer. About an hour later Dean texted saying "hello?"

You couldn't move from crying and eventually you couldn't cry anymore so you went out to get some liquor. Two bottles of rum and you were definitely drunk. You cried and screamed and broke things and slept, and cried and repeat.

It had been too long since you answered dean so he went to tell Sam to go track your phone, when he walked in with something.

"What's that?"

"how long has y/n been gone?"

"about 10 days why?" Jack says.

"guys" he turns the thing around. "I don't think she's coming back."

We had narrowed eyes and eyebrows.

"she's pregnant."

"oh"

"ahhh ouchh." Jack listened and heard your SCREAAMING and pain.

"Jack what's wrong?"

"it's y/n, UHHHH..... Shes In pain. She's screaming. .... "I have to go." He said and flapped away.

"Y/n calm down calm down. what happened ?"

You gasped because he startled you.

"Jack not now." You screamed while crying.

"you're hurt. Tell me what's wrong?"

"nothing."

He grabbed you and sat you down so you wouldn't keep throwing things. you cried into him for about 5 mins when he asked you again what happened.

"did someone hurt you?"

"no Jack "

"is it because your pregnant?"

That made you want to cry more. "No."

"I'm sorry did I say something to upset you?"

"no......it's okay. How did you know that?"

"Sam found something and said you were."

"oh. Great okay." He wiped your face. "Please tell me"

"fine. I had miscarriage okay."

"what is that?"

"it's where the baby like... Dies and it wont be born."

"oh. Why not?"

"I don't know Jack, I don't know"

"Well it's okay I'll be here for you every step of the way and like Sam says it'll take time."

"yeah.. yeah thank you." He grabbed your face.

"I love you y/n"

"really?"

"Yes. Almost ever since I laid eyes on you. Your beautiful"

"thank you."

Your faces were so close and you could literally see every pore and every vein in his eyes. But his eyes were beautiful. 3-2-1-.

His lips were on you. You were shocked. They were so soft but ... You weren't expecting that.

You kissed back and he pulled away.

"I'm sorry I'm not good at it."

"no your fine. It's okay "

"maybe it's not the right time."

You laughed "don't worry it's the right time." You pulled him back to your lips and sucked on his lips. This was the only thing that matter at the moment. You ran your hair through his hair and laid him on his back so you were on top. You straddled Him and you guys both explored each other mouths. It was getting so heated to where you guys where dry humping. You ran your hair all over his body and he did the same.

"I like this" he says.

you laughed "I like this too." 😉😉

[gracie--olive]

me too

I met Ryan at work. I loved all the people I worked with, we were all around the same age and got on so well. We used to call ourselves a family. A group of us used to go out for drinks after work a lot - Ryan included. We grew closer during those evenings. We bonded over things we had in common - music, films and a similar sense of humour. We exchanged phone numbers and what started off friendly getting to know each other became flirty and personal. Ryan and I would text almost constantly, even when we were both working, from one end of the room to the other.

I had a boyfriend at this time, Pete. We'd been together a little over a year, but he had slept with his ex 8 months in. We broke up at the time for a couple of weeks, but I told Pete I forgave him and we got back together. I missed him despite what he had done, but in hindsight, I hadn't fully got over it.

Over text, Ryan and I would talk about his unhappiness with his girlfriend - he said she was controlling and emotional. He felt trapped, they had a young son together. In turn I told him about my most recent relationship drama. I felt like I had someone I could talk to freely. My closest friends had gone to university, I was humiliated and hurt over what had happened with Pete. I could've have called and told them, but I couldn't bring myself to. It was easy to talk to Ryan, perhaps because he was a new person in my life. I didn't have to live up to anything.

A month or so passed like this. Nothing happened between Ryan and I physically, but that's not to say what I was doing was right. I was hiding my messages from Pete, staying out later and later with my friends from work, lying about who I was with and where I was going, and sharing secret looks with Ryan when we thought no one else was looking. My relationship with Pete suffered. I justified what I was doing by telling myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was harmless, nothing compared to what he had done. He tried so hard to earn my trust back, passing up nights out with his friends to appease me. I continued to punish him for his mistake, all the while continuing my emotional affair with Ryan. I broke up with Pete again. This time he was devastated, he thought our relationship was strengthening and we were working on regaining trust. I was a coward, I didn't tell him there was someone else. I told him it was his infidelity that I couldn't move past. Ryan had told me he'd left his girlfriend a couple of weeks previously, and was staying with family. He was seeing his son sporadically, Katie was being difficult. I felt indifferent towards her. He'd told me they had problems before, I wasn't the reason they broke up. I reassured myself with this when I felt guilty.

Ryan and I started meeting alone after work. We shared a few kisses, but nothing more. We thought we were being discreet, but our colleagues had started to notice. I thought as we were both single it wouldn't be a problem, but Ryan wanted to keep it quiet. He told me he was going for a promotion and didn't want our relationship to jeopardise it. I understood this, and was more than happy to keep it between us. Pete was still trying to contact me, convinced I was seeing someone else. I didn't want to upset him, and told him it wasn't true. Ryan got his promotion, and switched to a new office. We still spoke a lot, and he came and picked me up from my house a few times so we could spend time together. On one occasion he brought his son with him, and we went for dinner. I was a little taken aback, but ultimately ok with it. It made me feel mature, and like our relationship had potential to develop into something real.

My office worked closely with others in the area, and we had a big night out together planned. Ryan suggested getting a hotel for the night. We'd only been seeing each other a couple of weeks, but I'd known him much longer and I felt comfortable with it. More than that, I felt excited. He booked and paid for the room, and said I could use it to get ready after work, and then we could go back there together at the end of the night. I was still in contact with Pete. Before we broke up we'd booked a holiday together, and he was using it as an excuse to talk. I still hadn't told him what was going on. I technically wasn't doing anything wrong anymore - we weren't together - but I didn't want to hurt him. Ryan knew all this, and was supportive. He said maybe we could go on holiday together instead.

On the night, I had so much fun with everyone, dancing and drinking and laughing. I didn't talk to Ryan much. I thought as he had his promotion and we were spending the night together he would've spent more time with me, but I was having fun, and shrugged it off. He mostly stood at a table talking to people and watching me. I remember thinking, maybe it's not his scene, perhaps prefers pubs to bars and clubs. I told a friend, Adam, about the hotel, and he told me to be careful. I remember saying that I was fine, I liked Ryan.

The next I remember after that was being walked through a tunnel, with Ryan and Adam holding me up. I couldn't stand by myself. I didnt think I'd had that much to drink. I remember Adam laying me on the bed, still fully clothed, while Ryan stood at the door. My eyes were closed. I felt Adam's weight lift off the bed to leave. I heard him say, don't try anything tonight, she needs to sleep, she's in a bad way. Ryan agreed. What a nice guy, I thought.

I woke up with my wrists pinned above my head. Ryan inside me. My first thought, despite what was happening was - how did we get to this? I couldn't remember. I tried to move but he shook his head and smiled. I'll remember that forever. I blacked out again.

When I woke in the morning, I was naked and disorientated. Ryan was getting dressed. He left with few words, and I sent him a text apologising for being so drunk.

I went to work, but I was in pain. I confided in my female line manager - she suggested it could be a UTI, and told me to go to hospital. The nurse who examined me questioned the bruises blossoming around my legs, and the friction-burn-like marks inside me. I didn't know what to say. I mumbled that I couldn't remember, embarrassed. She called another nurse over, who asked if I wanted to talk to anyone. I said I didn't. She gave me cream for my sores and told me to go home and rest. Even then, I didn't realise. I wondered if he'd given me a disease. Had he worn a condom? I didn't know, I couldn't remember.

I had texted Ryan a couple of times on the way home without a reply. I tried to call and he didn't answer. After I rang off, he text me almost immediately. He said he'd spoken to Katie, who said she had seen me that day. Apparently I'd hurled abuse at her, told her everything that had happened between Ryan and I, including that I had spent time with their son. She's lying, I replied furiously. I'd been at the hospital, I hadn't seen anyone. I tried to call him but he didn't answer, instead texting me telling me not to contact him again.

At work the next day, a friend of Ryan's - Lewis - approached me. He knew Ryan well, they had gone to school together. He said Ryan and Katie had never broken up, and Ryan had told Lewis that I was a one night stand, that he'd made a stupid mistake. I tried to protest, but he didn't believe me. I could've showed the messages or told him about the hotel but it would've been pointless. He was Ryan's close friend, and in any case he'd already made up his mind. Ryan told me he thought I was disgusting for what I said to Katie- something that never happened, and that I now believe he made up himself. Katie had nothing to do with it and knew nothing about us. Directly after all this, more than anything else I was embarrassed by what had happened. Ryan told people we slept together, that I'd lost my temper when he didn't want anything more and tried to ruin his relationship with lies. I didn't try to defend myself, to tell anyone the truth about us, or the little I could remember of that night. I didn't want to, I had no desire to relive what had happened, how uneasy the whole thing had made me feel and the shame and humiliation that went with it. I stayed with the company for a few years, and would still hear whispers at work events about me, what I'd allegedly said and done. That I was easy. More than once colleagues from other offices tried to touch me, or said inappropriate things when we were alone. I ignored it, and pretended not to care about any of it. I never spoke to Ryan again.

I didn't see myself as a victim, I didn't want to. I told myself in the weeks after that I just couldn't remember what had happened, we'd had sex, I must have wanted to. I was in denial. I know now. Ryan couldn't have known if I wanted to have sex with him because I was unconscious. I pushed what happened to the back of my mind. I didn't let myself think about it for a long time. I was scared to think about it, because if I thought too hard I would realise. I buried it, not wanting to admit the truth to myself, not wanting to feel like a victim. I didnt feel like I deserved sympathy, I knew Ryan, I had gone out drinking, I had agreed to the hotel. This was something that happened to women in the news, not to me. I would read articles about women stalked in the night and think - that is rape. A terrifying attack down an alleyway or in an empty carpark, not a hazy memory with someone I knew.

A couple of things happened that changed the way I felt, and made me realise that in order to begin healing, I would have to accept what happened. I watched a series called 13 Reasons Why. I was completely unprepared for how emotional I would feel when one of the characters was violated the way that I was. She had been drinking, woke to him raping her. Someone she knew, someone she thought of as a friend. She lied to herself and those around her to save the pain of facing it. I could identify with that.

Worse than a fictional character though, one of my best friends was sexually assaulted. She couldn't do more than confirm it to me, but she was brave enough to talk to her family and other friends, her boyfriend. I broke for her when I found out, and I wanted to tell her what happened to me, to tell her that she could survive and move on, but I couldn't. I wasn't brave enough, and I'm still not. And anyway, how could I say those things when I've never properly dealt with it myself? Even now I worry she wouldn't believe me.

I'm nervous when I'm out alone at night, but sadly I think most women are. My obstacles are in my day-to-day mentality. I struggle to trust anyone new as genuine. I question their motives. My self worth is low, I'm anxious when among new people and I second guess everything I say and do. My sex drive disappears for weeks at a time, despite being happy in my relationship. I agonise for days about trivial things, I replay conversations in my head. I think I'm seen among friends and family as outgoing, sociable and assertive, but I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

A few weeks after the incident, Pete and I got back together. We went back to how we were before his ex and before Ryan. We went on holiday, we went out, we had fun. He made me feel safe and cared for in a way that I had previously taken for granted. We've been together 8 years now. I have never told him a single thing about Ryan. I don't know if I will ever tell anyone close to me. I hoped that this would be therapeutic, and a way for me to get some closure.

When I was 19, I was raped. I've never said it out loud, not even to myself. But it happened, and I'm still here.

[fizzingwizard]

under a cut because my daaaaadddddd rant rant rant do not read negativity vortex

so my dad shared this post on facebook...

now look. this kind of "locker room talk" (is it even locker room talk when all women know about it?) isn't going away. dudes are gonna complain about women no matter what, we get it, moving on...

my DAD though. my dad has noooooo right to be sharing shit like this. he ignored and took advantage of my mom for decades. he expected to make all the decisions and leave all the follow-through to my mom. she occasionally got angry, but my DAD is the one with anger issues, my DAD is the one who came home grumpy almost every day, banged things around, swore, and hid in his basement office all night (my mom meanwhile never had any space for herself - not even the bedroom because it was small and my dad insisted on a king size bed which no joke took up the entire room! there was only a narrow passage from the door to the bed).

and my mom stayed with him all those years until he started lying. about money. when she finally found out what he'd done, guess who had to fix it? my MOM. she had debt collectors breathing down her neck and told me how stressful it was and none of it was her fault, my dad insisted that the money was his domain and got super pissed if you questioned him about it. it's so funny looking back and realizing how much my family was living in the 60s in terms of gender roles. anyway the point is my mom is the one who fixed my dad's lies and she got so upset that she finally, finally left him, I never thought it would happen but it did.

and now when i talk to her she tells me "your dad had this money issue and called me for help saying he doesn't know how to handle it and only I can handle these things" and it's like. dude. you are sooo lucky your ex still handles this shit for you and yet you're STILL ON FACEBOOK sharing shit like THIS. where do you get off complaining about high maintenance women???????? you were married to the most low maintenance woman in the world for twenty-plus years!!! and you couldn't even handle her! that's on you bub not my entire gender! she never asked for anything except to be appreciated now and then. and to be told the truth about things that directly affected HER life. my mom couldn't be farther from the assumed traits associated with the sexy blonde in red thigh highs in this picture and I honestly can't even imagine what woman my dad thinks he knows who DOES fit this description even a teeny bit. not me! not my aunts! not my female cousins! my dad's driven most of the family away regardless of gender with his endless political trash talking and disrespect, a thing which he pretty much blames THEM for and sees no responsibility on his end. but whatever if you count tally for tally it's my dad who is high maintenance lmao.

look at the accusations "loud" (my dad is 100x louder than my mom who never yells! ever!), "expensive" (who caused the money problems?? who needed the expensive TV?? when I was cold I wasn't allowed to turn up the thermostat because we needed to save money, yet somehow we could afford a whole new car every single time my dad totaled his which was no joke almost once a year when i was a teenager!) and "impossible to control" (no one should be controlling anyone but compromise in relationships is a thing and not a thing i would call my dad's strong point! again he made most of the decisions. he didnt completely ignore my mom, i dont think she would say that, but we switched churches because of him, he controlled the finances, and when he lost his job and left my mom with everything on her back he barely even helped around the house or hunted for a new job)

seriously please switch out sexy blonde lady for a pic of My Dad!!

the thing is he shares stuff like this regularly. lad type "women are so complicated man cant live with em cant live without em" posts and crap. he's just joking of course! he's also just joking when he says any democrat libtard female politician slept her way to the talk or needs a good fucking etc etc (never has similar stuff to say about male politicians of course even ones he hates). always always always he's "only joking" and the rest of us are just "too woke to take a joke haha hey that rhymes" -_____-

it's annoying, but this is the post that sets me off. this is beyond annoying to me personally because it shows SO LITTLE self-reflection like gag me. i love my dad despite his flaws, he has many good traits and i have plenty of flaws myself, but i cant stand this. i cant stand this total lack of awareness. you dont know a single high maintenance woman dad. every second of your life some woman is cleaning up your messes. or listening to your problems and being understanding while biting the shit out of her tongue to avoid making you upset. always we have to listen and be kind and fix things, but never ever EVER complain because otherwise "it's so hard to understand what you want!" (why is it so hard for you to do that when you constantly expect the same of us??) "why do women get upset for no reason?" (no one gets upset for no reason as much as you dad!!!) "it's probably pms" (sure blame pms for everything. go ahead. what excuse do you have dad?? do you pms every single day of your whole entire life???) ugggghhh