#i think he feels ignored by me w all the ryan posting and how my thoughts have been pretty ryan centric rn

[1980ssunflower]

I could feel Min feeling sad and ignored :-c

[eddiediazismyhusband]

I totally get you with the bait vibes and I am apprehensive about buddie/its timing this season. My only thing is that Oliver has spoken so much in the past over worrying about baiting people with buddie and Ryan has spoken with so much care about these characters together that I just can't see either of them suddenly going all in on baiting with buddie without knowing that there are good things coming for them. Not saying they'll go canon in episode 2 or anything but they likely know the general arc/storyline for the season and knowing how much we and they care about buddie, I don't see Ryan or Oliver toying with the fans for fun and being careless or meanspirited about it unless they felt assured about where things might be going this season

this is why the fact that it’s on the official 911 account worries me. because it’s not just ryan and oliver posting, it’s olvier filming a video he was told to for the official account that ryan was also in, and the conscious decision for that video to be posted was made by someone who knows all the attention buddie brings in. if it was for olvier’s personal instagram then maybe id be a little less concerned about it, but the simple fact that it was for a video on the official 911 account doesn’t give me good vibes

i think often times in fandom we view the actors as having a lot more say in things than they actually do… obviously i don’t know what rules and regulations regarding social media involvement the cast have to follow, but i think the fandom automatically assumes that ryan and oliver get veto rights on things just bc of how involved in the show they are, when that’s often not the case— most of the time in show business, actors have to get things approved before they post them to keep from accidentally spoiling things.

that video wasn’t just ryan and oliver goofing off on set (i mean it was); it was intentionally chosen by someone on the 911 team and approved for the official account. it was chosen and approved bc ryan and oliver together means fandom interaction. it’s the same reason we had so many ryan and oliver interviews before s7 with all this pr talk of “they get closer than ever” and “they have such a strong bond” just for buddie to have very few actual meaningful moments onscreen. it’s textbook baiting, and tim has shown he’s not afraid of that.

i know oliver and ryan both feel strongly about buddie and both want to be careful about not baiting, but they’re not the issue here; the issue is that they are both employed by this production, and that means that sometimes they aren’t allowed to say “no” to how something is promoted.

(small addendum)

in regards to the “general storyline of the season” thing you mentioned (and i do not meant this to come across bitchy or rude at ALL) but tim has also stated that he doesn’t plan out seasons. he may bring up storylines he has ideas for and have an idea of where he might go, but he himself has said he doesn’t plan out full seasons (which is….. kinda what his whole job is supposed to be but i digress) and on top of that, we saw in s7 how quickly he made the decision to completely scrap his original ideas for 7b, scrapping a storyline w abuela that was mentioned, as well as bringing e*y and l*u back for more episodes than they were originally supposed to appear in, and creating that god awful “vertigo” mess…

im sure ryan and oliver are told “oh yeah we’re aiming for buddie canon this season” just like the show tries to do to us with the interviews and bts content, only to change their minds a few episodes in because they intentionally convolute/switch up the plot and say “ohhhh it just didn’t go there naturally :/“ (which is complete bullshit for reasons i shouldn’t have to explain to anyone)

overall i think fandom is too disconnected from how the show works/has worked in the past, and that we often ignore things that have been said in favor of the shiny buddie bait from the production (which is the whole point of the bait to begin with) and all that does is sets us up for disappointment in the long run because we convince ourselves that buddie is happening based on oliver and ryan talking about it, when oliver snd ryan most likely are also being strung along, and don’t have any veto power in that.

[which-hospital]

Aftershock (06/01/24)

I submitted my final essay for last semester a couple days ago and I finally feel free. If anyone has been paying attention to my real life notes at the start of posts, you’ll have noticed that I’ve been stressing about but not writing my essays for over a month now. Things are suddenly so peaceful. I have learnt nothing about not procrastinating. 

This was supposed to be a normal episode review for last week but devolved into all my Casualty thoughts from the past couple days so like, spoilers for this week and next week at the end and a bit of rambling in the middle. I’m at a weird place with Casualty right now because we’re inching towards me just ignoring canon and pretending that what should’ve happened is happening instead. 

Part 1 - Episode Thoughts:

Goodbye Ryan. Who can say why they gave you and told us your backstory? As he’s leaving he tells them not to forget him and it’s like……..this is Casualty?? The moment you walk out that door, you were never here in the first place. I don’t feel incredibly caught up about him leaving, he was problematic but he was free and I suppose I have to give him that. 

Hello Ngozi. Basically all opposites here: I can’t wait to learn more about her, I will never forget her, I love her, she is perfect and can do no wrong. No thoughts, head empty, just Ngozi. She’s so !!!!! <3 She seems lovely, I’ve been missing ‘lovely from their intro’ characters. I think she has more experience than the others which is interesting too. 

Charlie is a lot more interesting right now than he has been in the whole time I’ve ever watched Casualty. I thought it was because I’ve been watching series 1 (special interest fuel but not as distracting as rewatching recent episodes so I can do other stuff while it’s on) and he’s more interesting in that because they had to actually write a character and couldn’t get away with just dragging him on screen and going “it’s Charlie bros, like if you agree”. But his scene with Ryan was as boring as ever so I think it’s just the influence of Stevie. 

[On the largely unrelated note of old Casualty: it’s super interesting how many of the current plot points and stuff that’s happening in A History of Violence also happened in series 1. Early Casualty has the issue of staff being attacked but no one wants the police around and I’m wondering if this current storyline will be as overtly anti-police as series 1 was. Also, spoilers for this week but the paramedics feel like the new measures haven’t considered them at all, and series 1 Casualty has an episode where the paramedics aren’t included in a meeting and one of them (PLAYED BY ROBERT PUGH AKA GETHIN) feels like the paramedics aren’t being treated like the rest of the staff.]

Faith Stuff™. I am still not interested, please end this Mr BBC. 

Part 2 - Mostly Episode Relevant Teddy Thoughts:

Objectively: It was an episode. He got with Jodie, which probably isn’t that out there. It sure happened.

Subjectively, the good: “Cutting me out of it like that, it shows what she thinks of me” is a great line for exactly what I think is the real issue Teddy has with Jan right now. The wedding is off and Paige acknowledged the issues in their relationship, which is about time. Teddy and Paige were cute in that episode where Teddy is stressing about asking her out but probably doomed from the start. The problems I think they both bring to a relationship aren’t incredibly compatible problems, it was only a matter of time before things started to implode (IF SAH WAS THERE, THOUGH…). I really, really liked how surprised Teddy seems to be that Paige isn’t happy that he only asked her to marry him because Gethin told him to. Yeah, he would be surprised. So many things in his life, if you really think about it, come back to his family (“it’s why I became a paramedic”) to the point that I do think he wouldn't get why it would weird someone out. I also liked that Paige and Sah really don't get how he’s feeling at all, I think what he’s feeling is very specific and different than typical grief and it’s not their fault they can’t really figure out what’s up there because I don’t think he knows either.

Subjectively, the bad: but I didn’t like that ~Jodie understands it~ or whatever. Why? Because her mum died? Well Casualty, I regret to inform you of your own writing, but so did Paige’s mum. Not even as a backstory thing, as a plot thing. I won’t ever be happy about this because I’m ride or die for Sah/Teddy/Paige now, they’re the only thing that could make me happy. Even with just Sah/Teddy it’s like, I wouldn’t actually want them together despite how much I talk about them. They’re my two bros chilling in an ambulance, five feet apart because they have unresolved issues. The Sah and Teddy scene was a let down but whatever (thinly veiled annoyance). Generally, as I said before, it feels like this episode brushed past some interesting ideas but just failed to go there and didn’t let any of the ideas it established sit before having Teddy cheat on Paige (I’m counting it as cheating cause I can). 

Subjectively, the overanalysis: firstly, there’s pacing problems. I think the fact that they didn’t spend enough time developing Teddy’s feelings really didn’t help his part of this episode. One episode exploring Teddy’s feelings about it all, developing that a little, looking into what’s going on underneath and how no one really understands it. Let it rest a bit. Another one for the impact on his relationships, he (ugh) gets with Jodie. I still wouldn’t love it but I think it would feel better developed. Secondly, I just think they underuse the best parts of Teddy to focus on the dramatic parts. They have him do things that aren’t theoretically OOC but are just the most extreme thing he could do and it’s a waste. And they focus on this romance storyline (which they already ruined the moment they decided not to make it a polyamory storyline) that just isn’t that interesting as much as it is dramatic. The most interesting thing about Teddy right now is Jan. With most characters, to say that the most interesting thing about them is a different character would be insulting, but I mean it as a massive compliment to how well written their relationship is and how well they integrated Teddy into Jan’s character, considering he definitely wasn’t part of their original plan for her. I’m sure they will do an episode about Teddy and Jan, because if they don’t that is terrible writing, but I wish this one had given us more on his feelings towards her and about his family than it did. That’s what’s interesting. There’s so many angles to come at this from, there’s so many potential layers to their relationship. But no, they have to have uninteresting romance. If an autistic person with a special interest on a character is bored by the portrayal of that character, that isn’t a great sign. He is very interesting to me but not for reasons canon cares to consider. 

Part 3 - Spoiler Thoughts:

I want to be excited about this week's episode but I’m not sure after last week. I am excited for a Sah and Teddy interaction of actual substance, though. Very excited. That will make or break the episode for me. Will skip straight to it when I watch.

TEDDY INSISTS THAT HE DOESN’T WANT SAH TO LEAVE. MY BELOVEDS.

Lots of paramedic stuff which is good, Jan’s back which is good. Always questioned the use of Sah’s top surgery as a plot device, especially when they used it to create tension between them and Paige (??????), but I am kinda like noooooo about them having Teddy be dismissive about it. Yes, it is just my take on his character that this is an important thing about him, and Yes, he is gonna apologise. But they can’t blame me for caring about Teddy consistently being there for Sah on this when they’ve made so many other characters be vaguely or explicitly transphobic to them and only had Teddy be consistently on their side. YOU CAN’T BLAME ME FOR CARING ABOUT THAT. Teddy in my head would never and he’s the real one now. 

Do I think Sah is gonna leave? Maybe. I’ve been expecting them to leave during this miniseries for a couple reasons, even though that means we have a lot of characters leaving in a few months, but I thought it would happen later on. And two exits in two weeks is a lot. If they leave it’s like, I will absolutely miss them but it feels kinda like the writers don’t know what to do with them anymore anyway. Sah in my head lives on with Teddy in my head. 

Next week’s episode will have Max and Dylan stuff AND an acknowledgement of Donna?? I am kinda excited to see that, even if it will bring back my annoyance at how they wrote Donna’s exit.

Anyway, I’m back to being able to think about Casualty all the time without it having a direct effect on my real life obligations so expect more posts and faster replies for at least a month.

Can you tell I’ve been watching Succession?

[ladymorghul]

Helaena was definitely one of the characters who suffered the most from a content/writing perspective. We've only seen her as an adult in two episodes and even then it was just for a little bit. Imagine if we've got at least five pre-war episodes with all the kids as adults, them interacting with each other, nobody would say stupid stuff like "how can you think this that about x character" or "oh they don't even interact!!! how can you ship them" (of course they've all been interacting with each other, they grew up together, be serious) instead lots of people have to rely on their headcanons and and some will even force the fandom to believe them. So yes I do also agree that we should've seen more of her (and others as well), but yeah the haters and tb stans would've hated her anyway even if her show versions had been a 100% copy of her book character. The only problem now is that the war has started and B&C will happen in episode 2 (if we believe leaks so far), so unfortunately my expectations are quite low and sadly I see the writers focusing a little bit more on her just before B&C (mainly some scenes of her with her children) and then ignoring her for the rest of the show because she'll be mad with grief. I hope that doesn't happen…

i would love 5 pre war episodes w their adult versions. in fact, i'd love even more than 5.

the "they didn't even interact" argument it's so stupid because like.... they live together. always seemed like such a desperate attempt to dismiss a ship. especially when i know who often uses it and their characters actually have not interacted and will likely not interact in season 2 either.

yeahhhhh. b&c possibly being episode 2 annoys me so bad because that means i get such little time with helaena and the children (i do actually want to see her children and stay with them for a minute before the horror happens)

i do hope ryan won't ignore her for the rest of the show. he spent enough time talking about how this is a story about women. okay so he meant rhaenyra and alicent but he can definitely still very much include her in the writing post b&c and have her affect the story. and this i mean beyond her death because we know that's gonna have an effect on the story. it's gonna be so sad to see her post b&c... she's gonna feel so lost.

[brucequeensteen]

pls elaborate on honey this mirror.... the title is increediblyy transgender yeag but im not immediately seeing it in the rest ... u could convince me though i think

Ok so im not going to post a voice note cos i sound literally insane i dont know if i sound any saner now that ive typed it all out but like. HOPEFULLY THIS MAKES SENSE you asked for me to convince you so heres a whole ass mini essay sorry do u still think im hot.  this got so long kill me now. ENJOY <33

To preface this: in almost all the songs that i think are about transgenderism, the struggle with gender and identity is often portrayed as a struggle in a relationship with a lover (usually a female lover), which is pretty apparent in drowning lessons + the demolovers in three cheers for sweet revenge, and in this song. At least in my opinion. 

so honey this mirror isnt big enough, on a surface level is about a toxic/failing relationship. but like i said i feel like this “other side” of gerard, or of i guess the narrator/singer, the feminine side, the “girl within” is often depicted as  a lover or a companion of some sort. the title of this song is what gives it away for me because if u ignore the title then obviously the song is just about a relationship, but because its called honey this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us it feels like gerard is just singing to themself. Its not about any relationship, its about gerards relationship with HIMSELF, or with this other side of him, this other half (the woman in the demolition lovers, the victim in drowning lessons).

Me and ryan did a LOT of trans readings of mcr songs yesterday and the day before, and to like put it down to its essentials: a lot of the songs on bullets + revenge have this idea that theres this “girl” that gerard/the narrator wants to be or is somehow on the inside, and hes scared of her or he sees her as something he must kill or repress. at least at the beginning. which is why in drowning lessons i think the “she” that he kills is himself, and i think this is then repeated in honey this mirror isnt big enough, but instead of it being a murder, hes just trying to break up with her.

ryan put it quite well in this discord message they sent me: “he's pushing the girl out of his mind (out of the mirror)” “like im breaking up with you. we're over. i dont care how much you cry, i dont care how much i mean to you, this time i mean it. we're not doing this again (and then she comes back because she always, always, always comes back)” 

honey this mirror really reflects a problem that i think a lot of trans people struggle with at first, which is: if i embrace this side of me, if i come out, it could ruin my relationships with other people. I’ll become a different person, what if they wont love me anymore. so like when gerard says to this “girl” ‘you cant touch my brother / you cant keep my friends’ thats the idea of “shit if im transgender ill lose the people closest to me”, which is depressing but really realistic in that i know ive thought like that a lot in the past. I think he gets past this and thats shown in danger days and hesitant alien (gerards solo album) but i wont go into that now lol.

 and then right after that they sing “we’re not working out / this time i mean it / never mind the times ive seen it’, ‘it’ being the times they HAVE worked out. But in this song its like gerard is lying to themself, theyre ignoring the times this “relationship” has made them happy cos theyre letting fear and self hatred drown out the positive emotions this “girl” this “lover” has created in them. 

Then the pinnacle to this interpretation is the lyrics ‘well i find it hard to stay / with the words you say / oh baby let me in’. Thats the girl, thats gerards reflection saying ‘let me in’ like: embrace me love me you need me dont let me go dont do this to me dont do this to yourself, which gerard ignores because hes determined to end it. but because the outro is a repeat of ‘oh baby let me in’ i think this is what ryan meant with “she always always always comes back”, just like in drowning lessons “all the times ive killed you”: ive killed you so many times but you come back every time, ive broken up with you so many times but in the end i always let you back in. like this is a constant internal struggle that if you only listen to bullets and revenge seems to have a bad ending, but it actually has a happy ending because eventually gerard/the narrator embraces this woman, this other half, and doesnt regret it. 

The end thank you for coming to my ted talk i hope i got my point across. It might be a bit of a stretch but i definitely stand by this interpretation godbles

[reidgraygubler]

lonely moonlight (spencer reid/reader)

Title: lonely moonlight

Request: no

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: angst (w/ maybe the tiniest bit of fluff); songfic

Content Warning:  thoughts of wanting to cause harm, verbal arguments, mentions of divorce, intrusive thoughts, talks about abortion, mentions of bad mental health, ptsd (?), mentions of anxiety, mentions of needing to get help, someone walking out on their partner, pregnancy, mildly ooc spencer, post prison!reid, swearing (if any) (if i missed anything or something needs to be tagged, please message me and i’ll add it)

Word Count: 6,694

Summary: spencer left his partner and ends up regretting it. 

A/N: howdy partners! This is for @badthingshappenbingo​ (more about that later), blocking off the rejected apology square on my card (pictured at the bottom). this is very loosely based on the song lonely moonlight by ryan ross! this was something i don’t usually write. it’s probably the most angsty fic i’ve ever written... and it’s a little more on the “darker” side. please pay attention to the content warnings, and again if i missed anything, please message me! thank you everyone for the love and support on my other works!! check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

The days following up to me leaving were bad. I wondered if that’s what it was like for Aaron and Haley. Although, there were different circumstances between the two of them. Same with David and all 3 of his wives. But, who am I to compare my problems with my superiors and their problems. Although, their wives left them… Not the other way around. Not like how I left you.

I should have stayed. We could have figured everything out. But I left. I think it’s because I got scared and didn’t know how to talk to you. And the reason behind why I got scared is a valid reason… I wanted to cause harm...

“God! This is so ridiculous!” you shouted from across the living room. I watched as you looked around the room, at all the piled up books and files. “I just do not understand you!” Your shout was louder than before, causing me to flinch slightly.

“I don’t know what you want from me!” I returned the shout, watching as it was your turn to flinch. “What do you want!?! Huh!? You know I can’t read your mind!” I stared at you. I wish I had noticed you were crying before I yelled.  But that didn’t stop me… 

“Spencer!” The way your voice shook didn’t bother me. But what did bother me was the way my hand started to ball up. It scared me. I took a step back, pressing my body against the wall that was closer than I originally thought. 

I looked at you before I stormed out of the living room and out of the apartment all together. The sounds of your light footsteps followed behind me, and your faint voice calling out my name. I didn’t stop though, even as you begged me to stay. I couldn’t stay though… Not when I wanted to cause harm to someone I loved. 

So, I left.

{***}{***}{***}

I looked down at the file in hand, reading over the case we just returned from. You didn’t come with. It wasn’t the first case you missed, and it wouldn’t be the last. Everyone ignored how awkward and uncomfortable it was in the room where we sat to talk about our cases.

“Hey, Reid,” Luke’s voice pulled my eyes from my case and to look up at him. He nodded towards the door to the bullpen, causing me to follow his gesture. 

You were there, walking in like you knew what you wanted and that you were going to get it. I stood up and watched as you walked in more, scanning the room. Our eyes met and I dropped my shoulders as you walked towards Emily’s office. I tossed my file to my desk and practically ran up to you. I nearly tripped over my feet as I met you at the steps to the cat-walk.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Spencer,” you kept your voice low and your head held high. You didn’t even bother to look over at me. 

“Please, just a minute. Two minutes. And then you never have to talk to me… again…” I tried to hold my ground but failed when my words broke. My throat and lips nearly betrayed me, closing as the last few syllables failed to come from me. “Let me explain myself,” I whispered, looking at you. If I spoke any louder, I’d fear my voice would crack, forcing me to crack and become a ball of emotions.

You stopped right in front of Emily’s office and looked at me. You looked right at me… I honestly can’t remember the last time I remembered you looking at me, and not right through me. It was well before our last fight, and even before we even started fighting.

“I don’t want to talk to you. You lost that chance when you left,” your tone held authority. I was left speechless as you stepped into the office, shutting the door in my face. Emily closed the blinds, leaving me to wonder what the conversation would be about.

I sulked back to my desk and lowered myself down to my seat. I kept my eyes on the closed-off room, waiting for you to leave. I didn’t want to miss what could be my last chance in ever talking to you again.

“How’d it go?” Luke asked as he appeared beside me and my desk. I sighed, glancing at him, taking my eyes off the door for a brief moment.

“She didn’t want to talk,” I whispered as Luke leaned against my desk. He was also looking at Emily’s office. I tried not to slouch, but it was so hard when it felt like a weight was on my shoulders, weighing me down.

“I don’t blame her,” Luke whispered, resting a hand on my shoulder. I swallowed roughly and closed my eyes. 

“Thanks for that, Luke,” I muttered before pulling my shoulder away from his touch.

“Is she talking to Emily?” Penelope’s voice caused me to open my eyes again. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“You knew she was coming?” I looked right at Penelope. She was standing beside Luke and looking right at Emily’s office. Jennifer and Tara joined us, standing on the other side of my desk.  

“You were the only person she didn’t tell, Spencer,” Jennifer looked at me for a moment. She looked at me like I was the last person she wanted to be around. I didn’t realize you two were so close. You told her everything, and I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass. “In fact, you’re the only person here she doesn’t want to see right now.” her tone was cool, and still. And, it made me feel like the bad guy. To be fair… I already felt like the bad guy.

“There’s no need to point that out, Jennifer,” I muttered, picking up the file and looking over it. I tried my hardest to keep focus on the file, but it was so hard when everyone was around me, looking at Emily’s office.

“I wonder what they’re talking about,” Penelope whispered, wrapping her arm around Luke’s before resting her head on his shoulder. I swallowed roughly and looked over at the door before looking back at Jennifer. She was looking at me, her lips pierced together in a thin line. She was angry and there was nothing I could do to make her not angry. 

“Could be anything,” Tara returned. I tried my hardest to keep from rolling my eyes. But I so obviously failed.

“I heard she was transferring,” Jennifer looked away and at Tara. That was it. You were officially leaving and transferring out of the BAU. All Jennifer had to say was that you were leaving and I knew it was true. Again, you tell her everything. So, that’s why you were here… 

“That’s not true! She can’t leave!” Penelope protested. I let out an annoyed sigh. “She... She has to stay! She’s a part of the family!”  she continued. I almost wanted to snap at her. But, I wasn’t angry at Penelope. No, I wasn’t even mad at you. I was mad at myself.

“She told me that she was. Who knows what Emily is going to tell her.” Jennifer shrugged. I could still feel Jennifer’s eyes on me. Like her eyes were lasers boring a hole into my head.

“I hope wherever she transfers to… She enjoys… I’ll miss her a lot,” Tara walked around to her desk, finally leaving me alone. Now I just need everyone else to go. 

We sat in silence, staring at Emily’s door. I couldn’t help but feel my stomach bubble with too many emotions. I wanted to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but the door to Emily’s office opened and you both stepped out. You guys shared a few more words before you looked over at the group watching for you. 

“We were just… Talking,” Penelope smiled at you. I wanted to glare, but I knew I shouldn’t direct my anger at her. In fact, I couldn’t direct my anger anywhere. It was my own fault you were leaving.

You looked away from the group before walking away from Emily. You walked over to my desk and the group of people around it. Our friends. Our family.

“Just talking to Emily about a few things. That’s all,” you whispered. A lie. You didn’t want to tell everyone that you had put in for a transfer… No, what will happen is we’ll all show up to the office, and your desk will be empty, clean of your stuff. “I, uh, wish I could stay. But, I’m having coffee with someone and I don’t want to be late,” you pressed with a fake smile, trying to convince us all you were fine, even though we all knew you weren’t fine. 

“You can’t leave,” Penelope looked at you with wide eyes. I could feel my heart rate picked up as I looked up at you. “We aren’t a family if you leave.” she continued, her voice pleading to you. You looked at Jennifer, clearly annoyed that she told everyone that you were leaving.

“Penelope,” Jennifer started, her tone warning.

“Now really isn’t the time, Pen… I seriously have to go. I can’t be late,” you looked at her and shook your head. The look on your face was incredibly apologetic and I knew you were sorry for everyone but me. “I’ll see you guys later,” you flashed everyone a smile before turning to leave. “Goodbye,” you mumbled as you looked at me one last time.

I sighed, dropping my shoulders, as I watched you leave the BAU for the last time. My eyes stayed frozen on the elevator doors as they closed, and I could feel a familiar wetness rolling down my cheeks. 

{***}{***}{***}

I’ll have to be honest, this isn’t the first or last day I’ve spent sitting in my office at home, regret filling my head and my heart. The sunset made the room look golden and the rays shone off the various reflective surfaces. 

I needed a change of scenery. My apartment, office, and BAU offices were starting to drag me down emotionally and mentally. All places that reminded me of you. So, I packed a book and other things and went to the nearby park… Which is where we’d gone on many picnics.

Why would I go to the park as the day turned into the night? You know, I’m not sure. I just needed something different and the park was the best thing I could think of. It was walking distance and I knew no one would be there to bother me.

That was until I saw you.

You were walking beside Jennifer on the far side of the park. Henry was running around, playing with a remote control car. Michael was sitting on your hip, his head resting on your shoulder as he slept. And something about that looked so natural to me. If I had known you were here with Jennifer and her kids, I wouldn’t have come. I swear. 

I kept my head low as I walked towards one of the park benches on the far side of the park. With my book in hand, I continued to pretend that I didn’t see you and prayed that you didn’t see me. I don’t know why I didn’t just leave and go to a different park… It was the familiarity of this one that made me feel safe. Or, maybe it was the chance of you seeing me, and wanting to talk.

“Uncle Spencer?” A young boy’s voice asked as a fire engine red remote control car hit my feet. I closed my book and looked up to see Henry standing in front of me.

“Henry,” I smiled at him. I closed my book and placed it back in my bag. “What are you doing here?" I asked, pretending that I didn't see his mom, little brother, and you. 

"Mom brought me," he smiled as he looked over towards Jennifer and you. "She wanted to talk to…" he trailed off the end of his sentence, not wanting to say your name. Jennifer and Will didn't tell him about what happened between us. But he was old enough to know. Considering any event we were both invited to, we avoided each other like the plague. I’m sure he thought it was weird that his aunt and uncle (his god-parents) stopped talking to each other and ignored each other every chance they had.  

"That's nice," I felt my smile falter as I nodded, "Is this the race car your dad got you?” I asked, keeping my eyes on Henry. He smiled and nodded as he picked up the car.

“Yeah, mom said I could bring it with while they talked,” he looked down at the toy. I smiled at him and nodded. “It doesn’t go very fast though,” he looked back up at me and pouted. 

“I’m sure you could make it go faster. With upgrades.” I smiled at him as he placed the car back to the ground. I watched as he drove the car and spun it out. I watched as he moved it back and forth on the sidewalk in front of us until he drove it away and towards people walking towards us. The small red car hit the feet of two people, causing both Henry and me to look up.

At first, I looked at Jennifer. I knew she wouldn’t be mad to see me. The tense expression her face held told me a different story. Her jaw was clenched and her lips were in a tight line. Her eyes were wide, but the emotion behind them frightened me a bit.

Then I looked over at you. Your hand was resting on Michael’s lower back as you held him. Your hair was in disarray that looked nice, but that’s how you usually wore it anyways. You had bags under your eyes, they were a deeper color than they were before, it was a clear sign that you had obviously lost sleep. And then you looked at me, fear and sadness in your eyes. The golden sunshine shone across your face, highlighting the important details. The details I loved. But, also details that you didn’t deserve to have, all because of the stress I caused.

I rushed to stand to my feet, my bag falling off the bench and spilling its contents all over the ground. I didn’t care though. I just wanted to talk to you. 

“H-hey,” I looked at you, then back at Jennifer, then back at you. You kept your eyes on me as I fumbled over my words, trying to find the right thing to say. “I was just… I just wanted to come out to read and go for a walk,” I spoke, trying to find a pliable excuse to be here, at the public park. It wasn’t even an excuse. I was actually here to read. I don’t know why I need to explain why I was here.

“You’re allowed to be at the park, Spencer,” you whispered back. I stared at you before I realized something. You spoke to me. And it was the first time too since you transferred out from the BAU. We stared at each other, feeling an awkward tension grow between us.

Jennifer cleared her throat, causing me to rip my eyes from you and look at the ground. I silently cursed myself when I noticed all my belongings on the ground. I fell to my knees and pushed all my things back into my bag.

“We should get going. I know Will should be home soon and we can get a head start on dinner.” Jennifer spoke, causing me to snap my head to look at her. You were staring at where I was standing, but not at me. 

“Yeah, yeah… That’s probably a good idea,” you looked at Jennifer and smiled, “Michael here is getting a little bit heavy,” you let out a very forced laugh. I stood back up before brushing the debris off my pants. You and Jennifer (even Henry) look at me with wide eyes.

“Can we talk?" I asked, nearly begging, as I looked at you. You refused to look at me again. And I could see a familiar wetness in your eyes. My shoulders instantly sagged as I looked at you and watched tears begin to form in your eyes. My heart sank to my stomach, which then sunk to the ground. “Please?” I whispered.

“Henry, are you ready to go?” You looked down at the boy, who was holding his red race car. I swallowed roughly, watching as you offered Henry your hand. You looked back at me before leading Henry away from Jennifer and I. 

I reached out my hand to stop you but failed when Jennifer stepped in front of me. I looked back at her, ready to protest her stopping me. 

“Jennifer, please,” I thought I shouted, but I’m sure it was hardly above a whisper. She dropped her hand from my arm and looked at the ground. I watched as you brought Henry and Michael back to the Jaraeu-LaMontange mini-van. Something about the way you carried Michael and helped Henry looked very natural. I couldn’t place my finger on why though.

“Leave her alone,” Jennifer whispered, pulling my attention back to her. I looked at her with wide eyes, my lips parted my mouth dry of words.

“I need to talk to her,” I whispered as I gathered my things again. I put the strap of my bag back over my body as I held a death-grip on my book. “I have to talk to her,” I turned to leave, but stopped when Jennifer grasped my hand again. “Jennifer,” I warned as I looked at her.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you right now. Okay? Give her time to figure stuff out,” she spoke. Her tone was low and had a certain demanding tone to it. “She went from having you in her life 24-7 to not having you at all. Give her time, Spence,”

“Okay, okay,” I whispered as I looked to the ground, “How much time?” I looked back up at Jennifer with tears threatening to fall. 

“I don’t know. You left her without an explanation, Spence. And she needs time to heal… To fix herself… To rebuild herself… She ju-” She bit her lips together to stop herself from saying something. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s wrong? She just what?” I dropped my shoulders as I looked at her. She looked at me and shook her head.

“Just leave her alone for right now. She’ll come to you when she’s ready,” Jennifer half-warned. I went to argue back but failed when she looked at me before leaving. I sat back down on the bench and buried my face into my hands. A frustrated sigh left my lips as I pushed my fingers through my hair. 

I looked up and over at the mini-van. You and Jennifer were sitting in the front seat, talking to each other. And I noticed that you looked over at me once or twice. I let out another frustrated sigh before standing up and walking back home.

The thoughts and memories filled my head of when you were mine and I was yours and before I made a stupid decision. The sunshine was almost fully gone by the time I returned home and it was safe to say this was another day I lost filled with regret.

{***}{***}{***}

My body jerked, forcing me to wake up and sit in bed. The bedding and blankets pooled around my waist as I felt the bed beside me. There was a moment where I forgot you weren’t there and panic settled in my stomach. And then I remembered. 

The darkness of the room started to feel claustrophobic and I panicked in the night. I nearly knocked everything off my nightstand as I went to turn the lamp.

You would always tell me not to be afraid of the dark (or anything for that matter). But, ever since I left and we no longer saw each other, I was afraid. I looked over at where you once slept and reached my hands out over the blankets to feel for you. Even though I knew you weren’t there, I wished you were.

I sighed deeply before kicking the blankets off me. My body was on auto-pilot, and I found myself in the kitchen. The tea kettle was on the stove, waiting for the water to warm up. The clock on the stove read 3:13 in the morning. 

The moonlight illuminated the living room, the silver lighting hitting the coffee table, floor, and the various stacks of books. It sort of reflected my mood for the last few months. I wondered if you felt this way. Probably not. 

I sat down on the couch and turned the lamp on. A random book was in my hand, and my nose was in it. I was not retaining any of the information as I read, or looked at the words. 

A knock on the door honestly scared me. I wasn’t expecting anyone at my home at 3:30 in the morning. I looked down at my book before placing it on the couch beside me. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around my body, hiding my pajamas from whoever was at the door. 

I don’t know who I was expecting when I looked through the peephole. Maybe it was a hitman coming to kill me. No, no that’s entirely too dark. Serial Killer? Maybe a burglar? No, burglars don’t knock. Could be Luke coming over, drunk because the woman he was sleeping with told him to leave. Or, maybe Penelope wanted to have a late-night Doctor Who marathon. Of all the people and things to be at my door… 

I wasn’t expecting you.

You were standing on the other side, your eyes red and puffy from crying and your hair still in messy disarray (this time it was because of restless sleep and a clear emotional breakdown). I couldn’t tell if the makeup you had on during the day was washed away by your tears, or if you cleaned your face before the day ended. But I could see faint streaks on your cheeks. You wore a pair of flannel pants with a very big sweater. 

It had been a few days (okay, weeks… Month and a half…) since I saw you at the park. My heart nearly stilled as I looked at you in the peephole. My body was paralyzed against the door. I watched as you lifted your hand and knocked again.

Except you didn’t get to knock, I had pulled the door open before you hit the door. You looked at me with shock on your face. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to be awake,” you whispered, dropping your gaze from my face. I stared at you with wide eyes. You came, expecting me to be asleep… I wondered what you would have done if I was asleep, and if you would have told me you showed up to my house so early in the morning (or late at night. Depends on how you look at it.).

“No, no… It’s okay. I was awake anyway. I was working on some files,” I lied and waved my hand off like it was nothing. “No, wait… Sorry. I was already awake. I was reading The Narrative of John Smith. I wasn’t doing any extra work,” I looked back at you. 

“Why… Why were you awake?” you asked, furrowing your eyebrows. I watched as you brought your hand to your lips and bit your thumbnail. That was one of the many nervous ticks you had, and I wanted nothing more than for you to not be nervous around me. 

“Couldn’t sleep. So I thought I’d have some tea and read a little bit.” I looked over my shoulder towards my book and teacup. I quickly looked back at you, scared you wouldn’t actually be there when I looked back. I let out a sigh of relief when my eyes landed on you. “What are you doing here?” I watched as you looked at the door jamb.

“I, uh, I’m ready to, uh… I’m ready to talk,” you whispered as you looked at me. You folded your arms over your chest as you kept your eyes on me. This was the first time I noticed that you looked different. And not because you were awake at 3:30 in the morning in the midst of a breakdown. You looked different and I didn’t know how to explain it. 

“You’re… You’re ready to talk?” I asked, my voice suddenly trembling as I looked at you. You nodded as you wiped your eyes with your fingers. 

“Yeah, yeah, uh…” you wrinkled your nose as you looked at the ground. “Figured it was time. Been a few months and wanted to talk,” you whispered at the ground. I stepped to the side and pulled the door open more. 

“Do you want tea?” I asked, knowing tea calms you down. You looked back up at me and nodded lightly. You stepped into my apartment (which at some point was our apartment) and went right to the couch. I stood still for a moment before retreating to the kitchen.

I quickly poured the hot water into a new teacup. I grabbed a chamomile tea bag, the milk, and a bottle of honey before going back out to you. 

“Chamomile… I brought you the milk and honey too. If you want something else and sugar… Or… Anything.” I whispered as I sat back down where I once was. I placed the items on the coffee table. 

“Thank you,” you whispered, putting the tea bag into the cup.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, trying to figure out why the hell you were here and if I was actually dreaming. You steeped the bag a little bit in the water, your eyes looking at the steam swirling off the water. 

“I could lie and say yes, but I don’t think that’d be fair to you, Spencer,” you finally looked at me. Tears were sitting in your eyes, threatening to fall. I shifted in my seat, turning to look at you more. “Everything is not okay,” you whispered, your voice breaking. I scanned the room, looking for a box of tissues. I got up and grabbed them for you. You took a few before blowing your nose. 

“I’m-”

“Let me talk… Please, before you apologize,” you cut me off as you looked at me. I nodded and kept my eyes on you. You were still looking at me, the tears started rolling down your cheeks and you used your sleeve to dry them. You licked your lips as you looked for the right words to say. “JJ didn’t want me to come over,” you whispered, finally taking your eyes off me. You looked back at the steaming water. I could feel a familiar anger bubbling in my stomach, that was directed towards Jennifer. Of course, she didn’t want you to come over. “So I left when I knew she was asleep. I think the last time I did that was when I was 16,” you let out a dry laugh before you sipped your tea.  

I stared at you, taking in the way you sat in a moment of silence. You were probably thinking of what you wanted to say. You were never good with words and articulating them. But, neither was I. “You know, like when you would sneak out of your house so whoever you were with didn’t wake up? God, I did that a lot as a teenager,” you laughed before sipping your tea. You shivered as the hot tea went down your throat. “Anyways, sorry… Basically, JJ doesn’t know I’m here,” you momentarily glanced at me before looking back at your tea. 

“I won’t tell her you came,” I whispered as I turned to face you more. I watched as you leaned over and placed the teacup on the coffee table. You grabbed a random throw pillow off the couch and hugged it close to your body, as if it was some sort of protection.

“I don’t think you understand how hard life has been for me the last couple of months, Spencer,” you whispered, keeping your eyes anywhere but me. I furrowed my eyebrows, not because I was confused. But because I wasn’t sure what you were going to say. “And… and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why you left, and what I did wrong to make you leave, and… I’m still working on getting better… But, I found something out and it broke me back down…” you whispered as you looked over at me. You were very cautious as you looked at me. Tears were fresh in your eyes again, and I knew you weren’t going to be able to control them. You sniffled and closed your eyes.

“What’s wrong,” I asked, keeping my voice low. I didn’t want it to go any louder in fear of my voice breaking the slightest bit. Tears started to blur my vision as I looked at you. 

“Why’d you leave me in the first place?” You asked instead of answering me. Part of me wanted to point out that you answered my question with a question. But I didn’t bother.

“I got scared of losing you,” I whispered and looked down at the couch. That was partly true. I did, indeed, fear losing you. That wasn’t the whole truth… I was scared of losing you but I was more scared of hurting you.

I wrinkled my nose as tears started running down my cheeks. “And, I didn’t think about the consequences and outcome of me just… leaving,” I looked up at you. I left out the true reasoning for me leaving you. I could tell you knew I was leaving something out. But neither of us wanted to point it out.

“You did a lot more than lose me, Spencer,” you dryly laughed again as you spoke. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“Yes, I know. And it was a mistake. You don’t understand how much I regret leaving. I’ve never wanted to take something back so badly in my entire li-”

“I’m pregnant, Spencer,” you cut me off and spoke. Your tone was filled with authority and you were so sure when you spoke. It totally caught me off guard, I wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly.

“I’m… I’m sorry. Wh-what? You’re what?” I stared at you, my lips parted and eyes wide. I swear my heart stopped as I tried to comprehend what you said. Or… it was going so fast and I just couldn't feel it.

“I’m pregnant. And, obviously, it’s yours. I’ve contemplated so many things. But, I think you would have killed me if you didn’t know,” you whispered as you looked away from me. I looked at you, trying to find the right words to say, but I couldn’t figure out what to say.

Then I thought back to the park. You were so dismissive, which is allowed considering the things I had done and said to you. Or the lack of things said to you. But then I remembered how natural Michael looked in your arms and how you were with Henry and how different you seemed. Jennifer was talking about you, about you just-ing something but she cut herself off… Jennifer knows. 

“Does Jennifer-”

“Yes, she knows. She knew when we saw you at the park… And she knew when I talked to Emily about transferring,” you whispered, picking at the fabric of pajamas. Your voice was so soft, I felt bad for leaving you and I tried to not be mad at you for keeping something so big from me. “Emily knows too…” you answered my next question.

“You’ve known for that long?” I finally found words to say. You looked at me like you were a kid who was getting in trouble. But you weren’t getting in trouble. I was just… Mad at myself. 

“I… I, uh, I didn’t know what to do. And, JJ was the only person I could talk to about it.” Your words were soft and quiet and you avoided me and my eyes like the plague. 

I wanted to be mad… But I didn’t exactly have the right to be mad at you. After all the things I did to you? It wasn’t fair if I snapped at you. You knew this too. You knew me well enough to know that I wanted to be mad.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked after some time had passed. It felt like hours, but in reality, it was only a mere few minutes. 

“Because… I wasn’t sure if I was going to stay in DC… I wasn’t sure if I even wanted it…”

“Clearly you do if you’re telling me,” I whispered and looked at you. You looked at me, ready to protest, but failed when you realized I was right. You knew I was right. Why else would you be telling me that you’re pregnant if you didn’t want it? You dropped your head before nodding.  

“There’s more to you leaving me though, isn’t there? It wasn't just about losing me,” you asked, changing the subject back to me. You didn’t want to talk about your pregnancy that you’ve known about for several months. So, I swallowed roughly before nodding. “What was it? Were you cheating on me? Were you bored with me? Did I do something wrong? Was it something I did? Or was it something I didn't do?” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong… It was all me…” I paused and looked up at you. You were looking at me, intently watching me. I took a deep breath as I lifted my hand to wipe your cheeks. “I wasn’t cheating on you, and I wasn’t bored with you,” I pulled my hand back to my lap and flexed my fingers. “I think it was just… Work was getting overwhelming… And,” my words trailed off for a moment, causing me to sigh. 

“That’s not a good enough reason, Spencer, you know that,” you looked at me and shook your head. Your tone was short. There was no hiding it, you knew there was something else. I just didn’t have the heart to tell you the truth… But, I had to.

“The issue stopped being the actual problem… and it became me wanting to hurt you… And… And I never want to feel that way… Be-because I love you.” I looked up at you, watching the tears slip down your cheeks. “I don’t want to hurt the people that I love,” my voice was hardly above a whisper, “I guess… I-I need help, and I didn’t realize it till… till I had those thoughts,” I could feel my words shaking as I spoke. You looked at me with worry in your eyes. 

“Spencer,” you whispered. I looked up at you and watched as you reached over, nervously placing your hand on my knee. I looked at you and let out a deep breath. Part of me wasn’t so sure we should be having this conversation at 4 in the morning. But here we are, having it. “After everything you’ve been through, with… With prison, and… and Cat, and Scratch…” your words trailed off as you spoke of the horrors I’ve lived through within the last few years, “Of course you need help… And… And we can get you the help that you need,” you whispered as you looked up at me. My eyes stayed glued to the hand you had resting on my knee. You were here… With me...

“It was just too much… And… I-I’m happy I didn’t do anything…. To…” I paused and took a shaky breath, but also to keep myself from saying that I almost did hurt you. Although, I did hurt you when I left. “I just didn’t know how to ask for help, even when I didn’t reali-”

"Spencer,” you started, your voice low and quiet. I could hear the raspiness in your voice. I’m sure it was the exhaustion of life for you. And it was my fault... 

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” I whispered. I knew just saying sorry wasn’t going to be enough. Something else needed to be said, but I didn’t know what. “I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t help but repeat my apology even as I brought a hand to cover my eyes, and as I fell forward to let a sob go through my body. 

“Hey, hey, Spence, it’s okay…” You whispered as you rested a hand on my back. I could feel you move closer to me as you embraced me better. I sat up and looked over at you. “I… I can’t accept your apology right… right now… But, I think we can work on it. We both need help… We can help and heal… Together…” you turned to face me more. Your gentle hands grasped both mine, holding them in the space between our bodies.

“It’s something we’ll both have to work on,” you looked at me before looking down at our hands. I stared at you, waiting to hear you continue. My heart was beating faster than it should and I was only a little worried about it stopping. I could feel my palms getting hot and sweaty on the leather couch. 

“You… You…” I swallowed roughly and squeezed my eyes shut. Tears rolled down my cheeks, causing me to roughly push them away.

“Obviously I want you back in my life, Spencer. I’m sure you’re aware of how hard these few months have been for me,” you whispered, your voice so soft, I’m happy there were no other sounds. I’m sure I wouldn’t have heard you if it was 4 in the afternoon instead of 4 in the morning. “But, you have to understand, things are going to have to change in order for us to work. Especially now… that I’m pregnant,” you whispered and nodded. 

“Of course! No, I know that! I understand that more than anything in the world.” I moved closer to you and nodded. My heart finally returned to it’s normal speed. “I’ll stay. And not because you’re pregnant. I knew I wanted you back right when I realized my mistake,” I whispered, looking down at our hands. Your hand was on top of mine, and your thumb rubbed the back of my hand. “I can’t apologize enough, because no matter how many times I apologize… Sorry won’t be enough.” I wrinkled my nose and looked back at you.

“I’m not going to give you anymore second chances, Spencer. Please, understand that… You have to get help… If not for me, or yourself, for our child…” You spoke with a sureness in your voice. You knew what you wanted, and you knew you were going to get it. Honestly, I was going to give it to you too. 

“No, no, I do… I do understand… I’ll get all the help I can. I promise,” I kept my eyes on you. A worried feeling overtook my body, I was worried that all of this was just a dream and you’d be gone when I’d wake up. But you were here and it wasn’t just a dream.

At this point, I’d be willing to do anything to keep you safe, and our unborn child safe. I knew I didn’t want to mess this up. I didn’t want to miss any moments or chances of a family. Considering you were my family and I’ve known that for a long time. I didn’t want to lose any more time with you. These last few months without you were the roughest, and I didn’t want that anymore.

taglist: @thebluetint​ , @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto​ 

(if you would like to be a part of the taglist just let me know :) )

[lingeringscars]

Send 🎰 for me to put our muses into a random list generator then post the first five as potential ships! // always accepting !!

@preylist

ryan edwards x aliyah. my natural response to this is always gonna be tell me about your ocs. but i think she should teach him to farm. i think that would b v good for him.

luna x matthias. i think i could come up w/ a whole ass t100 verse for matthias actually but as he is your char i will NOT do that. but now i’m thinking about luna being born in fjerda born luna who flees bc of the violent nature and persecution of grisha ( i still probably vibe most w/ healer!luna but heartrender!luna is also valid and a part of me says tidemaker!luna bc of roan’s death scene not gonna front ighgues ). 

juliet x kili. i don’t know if i could even begin to think of an lotr/the hobbit au but i think elf!juliet would be hot. 

klaus x spike. fuck. i feel like they have v similar energy. this is just a disaster waiting to happen.

peyton x liam. wait this is cute ?? i can’t really explain why. i can make up cheerleaders for lacrosse. they have that unlikely friends energy and i’m here for it. 

lydia x archie. tell me about your ocs x2. it feels up allie’s alley to be able to come up w/ an apoc au for tw chars but as i am not the best at this if u have a tw au i could probably make something work ( like hunter!archie. some sort of s6 vibe probably. me again making verses for u ignore me ). i could probably wb lydia based off cj’s metas. 

harper x enid. WAIT THIS IS REALLY CUTE. i again only know enid through gifs bc katelyn but i think they have similar energy personally. i want them to (lovingly) tease alden together quite frankly. 

june x jack. me coming up w/ a lost!au for june on the fly be like: tale section. taken by the others with her brother ( parents killed by the others, unknown for a while ). she trains and picks up on things quickly, thinking that this is how they survive the island. probably starts helping the others after her brother is killed and it’s blamed on jack’s group. insert angst. 

callie x vernon. this is also cute. callie would try to sit w/ boyd at the cafeteria probably bc knowing what it’s like to be on the outside. i don’t really remember much of his seasons but i love him. callie probably sneaks into the ice rink bc that’s just their vibe. i think that they also deserve a decent photographer since matt tried to kill them all. 

bellamy x aimee. i really need to watch this movie still. i barely even know the general concept, but i’ll get around to it. idk they can help each other try and get back to the people they love. 

luna x clyde. see above. maybe luna is apart of his colony or s/t. 

jenna x russell. tell me about your ocs x3. i really don’t know how they’d interact either. 

bonus. i got both jack/jin and juliet/jin

[beecherdrysdale]

Hiii how are you ? I fell down the stairs today and cried for a minute straight #hormones. Dw I have a high pain tolerance but I just started sobbing lol. It happens. LONG post ahead, I kinda went off hehe.

Anyways let’s get started!! Yes quinton gets to be upfront because he would probably feel so uncomfortable(no offence) with all the sexual tension going on there if dyl or jamie were in the front hehe. But yes they would be bitchy about who gets to sit upfront “ no Jamie it’s mine turn to sit with Brigid” “ no it’s my turn dylan you just sat with her” so brigid would get fed up and banishes them to the back hehe. Lmao Brigid can we listen to Katy perry now? The silence!! And then no can we listen to Lady Gaga?. Quinton trying not to lose it in the front seat. If I had to chose tho I would chose lady gaga:) wbu?

Get ready to be beat! Yes Ryan is absolutely not sitting upfront w me! We would be crazy and I wanna win so. Quinner is sitting up front w me but he decided to be .... and I’m banish him to the back. Braden is the most chill so he’s sitting upfront and giving me directions!! Haha dyl yelling at you to drive faster, but no I will beat both hehe;). Kesh who’s sitting up front w you? Would Kirby be handsy😏?. We would have to make so many stops lol. Like it’s just nostalgic for us, but new for you so it would be fun to make pit stops. and we would just be taking so many Instagram photos as a group and w our boys and together ! We love that ! “Wait wait wait Lexi pull over, I remember this place I wanna take photos” lol this is bad hehe.

Lmao yes, your hair would be so tangled!! They would be panicking a bit because they’re like omg she’s gonna be so mad.... honestly Ryan would just take the photo and then post it but then Dylan would repost it and then Jamie and then me lol. Honestly I kinda love when people just take videos of being in the car w like the scenery showing, but this would include us laughing and listening to music! I hope they makes sense. Hehe Ryan or Dylan would probably take photos of Braden, cozzy and devon sleeping and would post it. Back to the hair: hehe yes I can see you giving them a death glare when you realize and your getting mad and would hide. I’m just imagining this in my head, like me pulling over and you running out of the car and quinton and devon fixing your hair lol. Somebody would be filming this no doubt.

Music wise, yes I love blasting music and people looking but it’s kinda a flex when they see who we are with.... I like rap too! What song do u like Brigid?. Country will be played and 2000’s which is fun! I’m good with anything !. Kesh I love hype up songs as well and bass heavy songs because they sound good on speakers hehe. I’ve been into Rihanna for the past week and I was working out to her music- where have you been, rude boy, bitch better have my money lol, pon de replay hit different but also S&M for some sexiness. Lmao sorry I’m just listing Rihanna songs that I love atm. What are your fav songs right now? Awww dancing on the side of the road is so soft, but everybody needs a dance break! Cozzy, Devon and Braden are some how still passed out, I admire that. Late night drives🥺 are we spicing this up 😏.

Hehe you and devon are swamped w emails and more and you’re like kirby can you please go w them we need somebody to watch them. Als yes quinton go take those hot photos . I admire Dylan’s sleep schedule, like good job on catching up on sleep. Kirbys just trying to sweet talk you and kiss you so that you wouldn’t be mad. All in all, kesh is just shocked like how is that possible? Lmao Brigid, Ryan and I w the shopping cart just stocking up on popcorn, chips m&ms, I love that. Jamie and Dylan are racing each other to see who can grab the most cereal and made sure that they are getting the correct ones for Brigid. Honestly all the boys are just confused about how grocery shopping works hehe. The crackhead energy. Kirby is panicking. We literally bought out all the snacks. Beaver tails are delish and I know where you can get them so 😃. I want to stuff Quinner’s mouth w beaver tails cuz that’s cute:) yes healthy food is a must, like fruits, veggies, rice cakes hehe. But remember that we are going to workout on this vacay hehe. After the grocery store we would go into the mall or something and the boys would just be wanting to buy video games 😂 and ps5’s. Also kesh I love how some of the boys are just trying on clothes. Why do I get a feeling that one of the boys would just be filming all of this?

The chirping will happen nonstop, I’m sorry it’s just to much inspo. Aww yes they are blushing real hard, cuz they like you soooo much. But Brigid is enjoying touching them so no prob.

The boat is a must and it is happening!! Hehe yes the tubing would be chaotic, everybody is just trying to get each other to fall in 😂. Ryan thinks that he’s getting away w pushing me in but SIKE you are coming with me. So then we’re just fighting in the water. Quinner would be like where did they go?. Hehe brigid gets so wrapped up in laughing at us that Braden pushes her in haha. Yes we all look super hot in our bikinis, and the boys are speechless! Like dyl and Jamie are just like wow, she looks so amazing! And Kirby is so in love w you, he’s like I’m the luckiest man ever. I’m still gonna make sure that I wear a non tie bikini so that it doesn’t untie, like one time I was in the boat and my friend pulled on the string and the entire thing untied and I just jumped in the water to retie. That is not happening again lol. Quinner would be mad hehe. Idk I’m seeing Brigid in a black bikini or maybe a dark blue one? It would match your eyes?. Kesh in a red one or yellow and me maybe in a green one or just black lol. Hehe yes kesh and Kirby are just doing cute couple stuff and keeping an eye out but we are to chaotic to maintain .

Hehe yes ig we are clingy but cute drunks but I get kinda wild when I drink so the body shots would def happen. It would be hot tbh. Yes somebody do body shots w Brigid. Dylan would step up first, and he would be enjoying it and then Jamie sees and is like no it’s my turn so he does it and in the end it’s just a competition and you all get drunk hehe. Kesh and Kirby are the parents of the clubbing trip no offence.. like wanna go help cozzy and devon? Hehe lol I could just be dancing w Brigid and the boys would get jealous and one of them would just come up and be like excuse may I cut in, and i would be like tf but then they give me a glare and I go dance sexy with Quinner or crazy w Ryan. Kesh and Kirby should dance at least at one point during this time. We all look hot btw :)

Hehe yay I can be friends w Dylan :) I want that friendship to happen tbh. but he’s getting jealous but I’m like let them have their moment, so I distract him a bit w talking.

Girls day is a must! I wanna hang out w you so badly. Some cute clothing will be bought! Ooo yes us modelling and them being in awe. Oo kesh a different modelling show w the boys 😏. The boys are getting handsy esp Dylan and Jamie hehe. And they are super protective so no other guy at the club gets any ideas. After tho it’s biker shorts, sweat pants and hoodies type of vacay lol .

Thank you for reading ! Hope you enjoy mes chéries💗🌸

yes ok so loooong post ahead people

oof that tough falling down the stairs lol. honestly i’m not doing to great right now bc i did not do as well as i wanted at my meet, so now i’m in a funky headspace. but hopefully answering this ask will help, and i can get my shit together before my events tomorrow (which are actually my important events)

haha yes dyl and jamie would just be arguing like “no it’s my turn to sit in front, no you just did it’s my turn” lmao. and then whenever they’re sitting in the front there’s just too much tension for quinton to deal with lol. so then i feel bad for quinton so i banish the other guys to the back and let him sit in the front hehe. and i’m just ignoring the other guys and refuse to play either of their music and i let quinton pick. and if we purposely pick songs we know the other guys hate, that’s a secret we’ll never tell. oof between those two idk, probably lady gaga, but again we’re not playing music jamie and dyl like lol. 

haha no, you get ready to get beat. i’m like an INSANE driver when i want to be. and ofc dylan is just yelling at me “faster brigid, hurry tf up! we have to beat everyone” so then we’re just zooming. but then obviously you’re doing your best to keep up so you have to banish ryan to the back so he doesn’t distract you. and then you let quinner sit up front until he starts getting too handsy bc you’re like no i won’t let myself get distracted. so then braden’s up front giving directions and trying to get you to go faster, but i’m still winning lol. and then kesh is also still in the race, and she and kirby are just chilling in the front bc everyone else’s asleep. ooooh yes making lots of pit stops bc nostalgia for all of you canadians. and then me and kesh are just seeing all the sights for the first time. oooooh yes all the cute insta pics we could take

ooooh yes people taking vids of like the music and scenery would be so cute to post as stories. and ofc all of us laughing and stuff, that would be so cute. anyways yes, my hair would be a hugeeee knot. and i would just give them the death glare, like you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. and jamie and dyl just try to hide from me, like they run away as soon as the car is stopped. and then devon and quinton fix it for me, god bless their souls. like i’m sorry, bc even i wouldn’t want to deal with that. ik how my hair can get. and this would be allllll over everyone’s stories ofc lmao

ok yessss our music game is on point tbh. ok so for rap, the artists i’m really into rn are juice wrld (rip i actually loved him sm), kid laroi (who learned from juice, so he sounds a lot like him), trippie redd, mgk, and nf. also iann dior, but he’s not so much rap as r&b. honestly any of their songs slap. and then ofc country and early 2000′s. and any music with good bass, but i think a lot of the artists i said have that. ooooh yes getting out to have a dance party on the side of the road. hehe it could be really crazy. or alternatively, it could be when you’re out on a late night drive and there’s a slow song on the radio and you guys just get out and slow dance to the song together no this is not at all inspired by the song slow dance in a parking lot anyways yes late night drives are so cute. but then of course they can get spicy 😏 in case you couldn’t tell i’m always down for it to get spicy lmao

haha yes quinton and dylan c. honestly have their priorities straight. and devon and kesh are swamped with director duties, so that leaves kirby in charge. so then ofc when we get home kirbs tries to sweet talk kesh, but she’s just not having it. she’s just like how? anywaysssss at the store we have the most duo of ryan and lexi, plus now i’m added into the mix, and it’s just a mess. like we buy a shit ton of popcorn, pretzels, chips, candy, etc. and we literally bought half the store’s supply of everything lmao. and then dyl and jamie are just in the cereal aisle trying to grab as much cereal as they can. whichever one of them gets we chocolate mini wheats i will love forever. and then kirby’s getting healthy food bc yk he’s trying to be responsible. so then kesh has to explain that his whole job was to make sure everyone else was getting healthy food, not just get it himself lmao. but honestly none of the guys actually know what they’re doing lmao. and then we obviously have to get beaver tails to so lexi and quinner can have a moment, but idk where you get those lol. but yes we will be working out a ton on this vacay, so it’s ok that we have sm junk food lol. and then after we’re done with food, the guys decide to wander the mall and then they just buy a ton of video game and then they’re trying on clothes lol. and yes obvi they’re videoing the whole thing bc they’re secretly middle school girls who want to have a blog lmao

hehe yes me getting chirped the whole trip, esp the boat day. and the guys are getting so embarrassed about it, but i just don’t care lmao. and then the whole boat day is so chaotic obvi. when ryan pushes lexi in, quinner will come back and just be confusion lmao. like where’s lexi. and then i’m dying laughing and then braden sneaks over and pushes me in lol. but yes we all look amazing in our bikinis. like kirby is just so in love with kesh and thinks she looks gorgeous 😍 and then dyl and jamie are just like damn you look hot about me lol bc we’re horny ones on this trip apparently. and i’ll wear a tie-back jolyn bc they actually stay on lol. and then ofc quinner thinks lexi looks super good, but then she tells the story about the last time she wore a tie-back and he’s just like why didn’t you do it again? lmao. ooooh for bikinis i like a black top with a print on the bottoms idk why. and then you guys in whichever color you want. also yes kesh and kirby are trying to be responsible during this, but it’s just not working lol

haha yep i can definitely see you and quinner being wild drunks together (it’s more like when the alcohol is wearing off that you guys get really clingy) so obvi you guys start doing body shots. and ofc it turns into a jamie/dyl competition bc what doesn’t? and then me and lexi are just dancing sexy together, yk like two drunk girls do, and then dyl or jamie tries to come over and cut in and at first you won’t let them but then you finally give in and go dance with quinner instead. and then yeah, no offense kesh and kirby, but y’all are the parents here. like making sure we don’t do anything too too dumb lmao. and also being a wingman for some of the other guys. but you guys def dance together at least a little bit too. and obvi we all look hot

yessss i feel like you and dyl could be super chaotic friends too. so the two of you are just chilling together and then you have to distract him lol, but then after that you have a different chaotic friend for when ryan’s not available lmao

yes yes yes, girl’s day would be so fun. and then we get a ton of cute new clothes so obvi we have to model them. and they’re all just in awe, like those are our girls. but then we also do private modeling shows 😏 and we all know how that ends. and then when we’re in our clubbing clothes obvi they are getting super protective over us bc we look so hot and we’re their girls, so no other guys can get ideas. but then once they’re drunk they’re handsy as hell lol. but then the rest of the vacay ends ups spent in hoodies, sweats, and athletic shorts lol. and obvi some of the guys’ clothes

ughhhh i love this, the whole thing was amazing. 10/10

[jeffhane]

dynasty live watching: an incoherent post so that i’m not spoiling people on the twitter tl (i doubt any of this will be chronological or coherent enough to actually contain spoilers but better safe than sorry!)

oh my god the “previously on” - i forgot abt fallon and evan....

Theyre at a FUNERAL??? this was actually predicted but oh my god. if its steven i am going to be so mad. what an unfitting end to the- WAIT WHAT SIX MONTHS? what was that font;;;;:; whes sueiwjwk

copper arch🥵🥵🥵

this is cute. this is cute i like faloon pretty women so true

BYE I FORGOT ABT THIS VASE

fallon is genuinely such a bad person this is so bizarre,,,, i think she needs to calm down about oiterally everything ever

“This wedding is our chance to break the cycle of craziness” babe ur literally the one making the cycle of craziness

w. was that an ikmenn of liam getting his head off

JEFF MY BELOVED HE LOOKS STUNNING IN THAT OUTFIT. WHYS ALEXIS HERW “POWER COUPLE” YOU WERID MANIPULATIVE PERSON GET AWAY FROM HIM LOL

alexis is up to no good. bad bad jpeg. why do they write her dialogue like this

adam is acted so well lmao he’s the most unhinged person to ever exist *screams*

ohhh dominique, i don’t remember much abt her 😭😭😭 this woman she’s with is beautiful

ITS LAGGING????? i cannot Believe tjis

~rebrand~ ok girlboss!!!!!!!!! can we ship this businesswoman i dont recall her name with fallon???? id like that i think

too many plotlines have happened in too many minutes, i’m already forgettint things that have happened... isn’t blake supposed to be in prisoj? no? Ok: sure

adam is constantly doing this expression that is like 👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁 HI SAM HI SAM HI SAM BEAUTIFUL MAN I LOVE HIM WHOS THIS MAN

raf is so stunning ughhhh i’m loving the costumes this season, everyone looks great! is this man a sam love interest? nervous? that is kinda cute. i miss stevej though. sadness. so many emotions

UHHHH hi alexis sure ig ur here

~OMENS~ babe that’s a tad dramatic don’t you think?????????? “Ignore the lore at your own peril” alright

WHOS THAT? WHOS THAT? OH HER OK

bye everything is going wrong for this......:..:::... *rubs hands together evilly* that will certainly be entertaining

credit scene!!! such a beautiful cast! where’s anders, oh how i miss him... i miss monica too wasn’t she supposed to be BACK🤔🤔🤔🧐🧐🤨🤨

its a commercial break... havent had to watch the show with these for so long😑😑😑. getting american ads is so funny bc the vast majority of them are Not at all relevant... at all

BACK TO DYNASTY!!!!!! was that a slinky? huh? oh ok that’s why the marriage is happening at the manor. #whenyouonlyhaveoneset oh hi ok monica so shes not going to be here?????😑😔😳

WHY IS SHE GETTING A CAR I FEEL LIKE THATS FORESHAWDOIWIJG FOR UMMMMM.... NOT GOOD THINGS ..... ITS LAGGING AGAIN 🤨

blake having dinner... ok hi cristal,,,,; is the priest subplot back? that was a weird one

adam???? how on earth does adam work his way into everything? NEXT GUEST? HUH? are you cheating on your wife? HI CULHANE! HI!

“straight people are exhausting” i mean yes, objectively, absolutely, but culhane is #notstraight .... idk how i feel about sam and this man. also what? huh? staying here? ok cool ig

OHHHHH he got married i see i see

“Haven’t you milked the carrington cow already” but....... she is literally the person who deserves the stuff..... k......... i don’t like dominique but she was given the short end of the stick also blake stop manipulating people just bc they tell u the truth😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

frustrated that we haven’t seen fallon in any non-wedding related stuff yet i always liked her more ~dramatic~ plots . like she’s a sweetheart but i do want her to evolve beyond thsi. idk if that makes sense. ok bye

“A relative’s happy marriage” uh???? we live in a society😔📈

who is father lynch<3333 oh he is in the hospital that’s not great oh adam upset that’s new /s

y is kirby dressed like an elf. god bless.

ughhhh i just think adam is not good for kirby. he’s not good in general. so true . what is he up to. ads again hhhhhhhhhh💯

omg we are back!!!!! blake wear the suit!! hi liz!!! i’ve seen pictures of this outfit, it looks nice. “I really want things to work out with liam” now that would be great but you’re in a soap opera so the chances of that are .... I DONT EVEN ONOW IF U CAN WEATHER ANYTHING W CRISTAL...)))))!$$ NOT NECESSARILY THE BEET CHOICE????

~technically it wasn’t cancelled~ alright love i feel as though you’re not telling the full truth here. ok his name is ryan . we know that now . cool . this relationship is awkward but it could be sweet

what the Fuck is dominique talking about this is so creepy😭😭😭 please do not market lingerie to ur niece 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 why does no one in this show know how to be polite

“You want me to stake my personal assets” i’m sure this would be meaningful if i knew anything about finance????? WAIT WAIT WIAT WAIT WAIT DHE REHEARING THE SAM DONS G THE SONG ALEXIS DONT INTERRUPT HER SINGING THE SONG🧐😔😔😔🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🥰🥰🤬😤😤😤😤😤😤

~duplicitous sham~ that’s quite a juicy phrase ms fallon. alexis i dislike your marriage. and you in fact. yes x . “We were just like any other newlyweds” except the newlywed factor........:

anders. oh my god i adore him so much. he reminds me of my grandfather . YES adam is dangerous. anders i love you so much. be my grandfather figure. top 10 cool old dudes of all time.

liz is so beautiful how am i suppised to “Focus” on the “storyline” kirby just went 🥰🥰 also hi culhane ily babe

“My father’s convinced adam is pure evil” you see, that is......... trueeeee...........:.::: im sorry culhane ily love

this dialogue unfortunately does not flow all that well LOL . people dont think up things like this on the fly “my love is like that boutineer” sir i guarantee that metaphors r not going to save ur relationship... HI sam. so true. hi ily. samhane? culsam? 😳😳

DONT STEAL ANDERS SPOT OH HI JEFF YOU LOOK STUNNING.......... BEAUTIFUL BOY ....... HI!!!! ~you are the only family you’ve ever needed~ shit none of this wouldve happened if the Carringtons werent so greedy ij the first place

~true love has many faces~ how many anti liam omens can they sneak in into the episode 😭😭😭😭 hi laura whats up

the poor waiters at this establishment...... why does laura look like a rlly young version of my grandma........: huh.... wont think abt it /... alexis bad mom.jpeg

“I don’t want to miss my sons special day” ok bye i don’t #care she’s kind of rude

fallon trying to avoid future drama is confusing to me as that used to be her ENTIRE THING? HUH??? everyones talking to their moms today what the heck do that many people talk to their moms???

jeff hiiiii <333 that maroon suit!!!!! love!!!!!

Dont hurt anders you strange little evil man!!!!!!!!!!! (Adam, for reference)

fallon likes to ~e n u n c i a t e~ her dialogue. Drama Teachers Love Her

FIRBY SCENE! WELL THEY R TALKINF! UWU ! UWU ! smiles:) smiiiiiles:) the height difference i cannot do this😑😊😊😊🕯🕯🕯 BYE

BueirHWIIDWJDIWIFJWIFJWJJFWJFJWJDJWJDJWIFJWJFJWJDKWJDJWDJJWHDWHDHWHEHWHDHWJDJWJRJWJEJWJDJQUEUWJEJWJEJW CRIES SOBS SCREAMS THIS OS SO FUCKING FUNNY

Kirby you dumbass😭😭😭😭😭 ALEXIS WUDIWNDJW JEFF CAN YOU NOT HEF FCANKREMTIWN WHY IS THIS DIALOGUE IM SCREAMIGNRJFJD

kirby babe you are the kist imorjri WHQT? HUH? when all the characters have the maturity of a 13 yr old <33333 DID THE SHOW JUST END?????? OK.... DAMN.... they were really 2 minutes away from the end and remembered that things are supposed to happen in tv show episodes.... i cannot tell whether it os over actually?????? huh??? going to keep watching because it would be so embarrassing if i missed a few minutes oh yeah theres more

IM SORRY WHYBARE THESE PEOPLE SO STUPID. every single one of them. ih my god l. ohhhh my god . “I never meant to hurt you” you cheated on him. both of them are bad people. 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 kirby darling what were you thinking . this dress on kirby is STUNNING ugh, she’s so charming . adam Shut the fuck up. He hasn’t said anything but shut the fuck up. OH MY GOD ADAM SHUT THE FUCK UP. OH MY GOD I HATE ADAM SO MUXH. OH MY GOD HOW IS HE THE WORST PERSON TO EVER LIVE 😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶 HES SO EVIL

“I didn’t want to tell you because i didnt want you to think of me as a monster” why did you do that stuff then bro . Kirby you SHOULDNT trust someone after they say that? How naive? Huh ?

omg hello jeffs grandma!!!!! she deserves better than every shitshow in this family... god🤨 dominique being a good person? i like to see that. she seems so genuine. ok this is nice . wait... SAFE? 😳😳😳😳 💴 💵 #money i miss monica

why do they never have sufficient lifhting in WAIT..... HER?????? #dumbofass HI JEFF <33333333 HI you can scam and whatever ur allowed to i support u

ooohhhh GORGEOUS fallon outfit

“Such a fail” IS THIS 2012 . CRINE HEIDJWJFIWNDWJDNWKFJW ENJDJSDJWJNDJWJD they keep saying folklore and im thinking its some sort of reference to the album and i get confused. wheres scheming fallon. need scheming fallon. do a scheme. do it

“We are that lucky couple” press x to doubt .... wait who is this🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 this seems cincerning im cocnentwd why did it zoom in on this random man

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

lights will guide you home (Tokoyami Fumikage X Reader) PART 2

PART 2 to: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/189811426209/lights-will-guide-you-home-tokoyami-fumikage-x

WHOO! Another part done in a day! I was going to put this in the first part but... ultimately decided to just cut it in two since it wasn’t quite done yet... and the first half felt more complete enough to be a chapter...

And yes... I alluded to a moment in American Horror Story because I’m soooooooo original lol JK JK but I couldn’t resist XD 

Taglist: @shimy-deko​, @teerama​

Summary: Your classmates haven’t found you yet, and Tokoyami fears that the worst has happened. 

The damage is done The police are coming too slow now I would have died I would have loved you all my life...

You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory now You're losing your memory, now…

‘Losing Your Memory’ Ryan Star

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFpFZxvi3Qs

“Flesh, flesh, sweet soft flesh!!”

“(L/N)!!”

“I’ll… KILL YOU…!!”

“STAY AWAY… FROM ME… YOU’LL DIE!!”

“(L/N)!! Look out!!”  

“(L/N)!!!”

So many voices were echoing in your aching head that you couldn’t even recognize as minutes felt like hours for you.

Who were those people? What were those voices? You thought as you slowly blinked your eyes open as the high-pitched ringing in your ears drowned out the voices you previously heard. It was exhausting just opening your eyes as you inhaled quietly and exhaled, but then you began to wonder.

‘Where… Where am I…?’

You thought as you suddenly grunted and groaned in pain when a sudden wave of agony hit you and made you cringe when you even attempted to try and get up. There was something warm seeping down your back and down your belly and yet you didn’t even realize it, all you knew is that you were in so much pain...

But where the hell were you? It was dark, so dark as you blinked and saw nothing but dimness in this… forest? What the fuck were you doing in a forest? It was all so overwhelming that you started to tremble and hyperventilate as your first instinct was to get up so you could get out of here.

‘I gotta… no… no what this is place…? This… no… I… I gotta get out of here…’

Stumbling, you shakily got back up on your feet but nearly fell back to your knees as a haze clouded your brain and made it hard for you to comprehend anything that might have been going on as you didn’t smell the burning smoke or even hear the distant shouting.

Your classmates, Izuku, Shouji and Bakugou, you forgot they existed. They were nothing but shadowy figures in your brain as you could only try to stay standing and see if you could get out of here.

You forgot that Tokoyami existed and that it was Dark Shadow responsible for the deep slashes across your back and your stomach as you winced with every step you took. Warm fluid flowing in scarlet rivulets down your torso, staining your shirt that you couldn’t care to acknowledge.

What happened? Why was this happening? How did you get here? No, you weren’t supposed to be in this place, you needed to go home…

Was all you could think as you slowly and clumsily walked away from this place, wherever it was in a confused daze as you looked around frantically for anyone that might be able to help you find your way out.

“HEY! Stop right there young hero! Keep going! You’re almost there!”

A voice made you gasp in shock as you saw a man, dressed like Deadpool? Was he a cosplayer or something? You had no idea but you somewhat desperately walked over to him, “E-Excuse me… b-but w-where am I? I-I think I’m… lost… d-do you um… k-know where I can get out of here…?” You asked him politely, shakily as you couldn’t stop your body from trembling and involuntarily brought a hand up to clutch at your bleeding stomach when the pain started to slowly become more apparent.

“Ooh! That looks ugly! Ah you can barely see it!” He exclaimed in regards to your wound, “And I came from that way! You’ll find a street that takes you to the next town! It’s the wrong way!” His words were confusing you even more but he wasn’t hurting you and didn’t seem to consider the fact that he was SUPPOSED to capture you as you nodded slowly.

“T-Thank you sir…” You shyly stammered as you quickly tried to get away as fast as you could to leave this place, “No problem! Shouldn’t you come with me?!”

He was strange but you had to go, you needed to get out of here that’s all you knew, and you didn’t even know that the man actually had enough sympathy to let you go because he was starting to think that maybe you were just someone who got lost and hurt instead of one of the young heroes…

You had no idea that you were standing in the face of a villain, or the fact that the villain let you go under the belief that you weren’t a student.

Oh my God you were going to be late for dinner tonight at home, you almost wondered if your mom was going to be upset. Or worried, probably worried.

This was so weird, you had no idea where you were at you needed to go home fast, you kept telling yourself that.

Meanwhile…

The pro-heroes arrived too late. The police arrived too late.

The villains were successful in kidnapping Bakugou. Had it not been for Aoyama they would have ended up taking Tokoyami too.

Yet all he, Izuku and Shouji could think about aside from losing their classmate was the fact that another classmate was gone and they couldn’t find you. Although Dark Shadow did manage to defeat and maim the villain ‘Moonfish’ as he was named, there was no sign of you and you didn’t reappear after getting attacked.

Todoroki and Bakugou got Dark Shadow to calm down and put an end to his rage, but you were gone and none of the boys could find you. Shouji couldn’t hear you nor could he detect any noises in the distance because there were too many villains and scattered classmates about for him to tell which one could have been you.

The boys, but especially Tokoyami, were extremely reluctant to tell Aizawa that while one their classmates and his students got kidnapped, that one of them was missing, and it wasn’t even the villains fault. Shouji and Izuku didn’t pin any blame at all on Tokoyami, but Tokoyami himself did.

“It was… it was my fault… I lost control and she…” His voice was cracking but didn’t dare show his tears to his teacher when he took all the responsibility for your disappearance. However, the man couldn’t really let him do that to himself when this wasn’t anyone’s fault.

“Your quirk still needs control. But this was a situation beyond anyone’s control.” Aizawa didn’t disagree that Tokoyami lost control, but he was still only a boy who didn’t have complete control over such a powerful quirk, and this was a situation that neither of them was prepared for so he didn’t blame him.

“B-But I-.”

“No buts. There’s going to be a search party for (L/N) and Bakugou. None of the pro-heroes will leave any stone unturned, not until we find them both. In the meantime, we’re all taking you back home.” His teacher shut down anymore attempts he could make to blame himself as he made the raven go back to his classmates and inspect them for any injuries. Of course, several of them had gotten hurt, and Jirou and Hagakure had to be hospitalized due to the poisonous gas from one of the younger villains.

Everyone had to be sent home except for Jirou, Hagakure, Yaoyorozu and Midoriya, whose injuries needed to be tended to in a hospital. But everyone else was allowed to return home to their families due to their Summer Training Trip being cut short.

Tokoyami could barely sleep that night, in fact, he didn’t sleep at all as he retreated to his room after his parents asked him if he was okay. He wasn’t a liar, but tonight he had to because he couldn’t bear telling his parents that he killed his own classmate because he lost control of his horrible quirk.

He couldn’t tell them that it was all his fault that one classmate was missing and probably dead. He could barely even breathe knowing that fact as he sunk to the floor of his room and grit his teeth when a wave of shame crashed over him and brought him down to his knees.

Shallow breaths hitching as he choked on the sob that had been caught in his throat the second he told Aizawa what happened and he’d been holding it all back until now. His tears dripped from his shut eyes and hit the soft ground of his room as he quietly cried.

He had no idea where you were, no idea if you were still out in the forest, no idea if you were even still alive and it terrified him.

You were gone and it was all his fault…

The last thing he would ever see from you was the look of horror and betrayal in your eyes before Dark Shadow attacked you and threw you deep into that forest. The last thing you would ever see from him was the monster that was his quirk, killing you…

He killed you…

“Fumikage… Mr. Aizawa said that they were going to look for her…” Dark Shadow telepathically and softly spoke to his distraught master, but Tokoyami wasn’t having it. He wasn’t going to listen to him anymore after what he’s done. The shadow’s done some bad things but after all of those things he’s done, he finally crossed the line.

“Fumikage…?”

“Fumikage… come on, I’m… I’m sorry that I-“

“I don’t care if you’re sorry!” After ignoring his shadow ever since Todoroki and Bakugou made him stop, he finally answered to him but he wished that he didn’t.

“B-But I…” Dark Shadow was clearly guilty as he had tears in his now yellow eyes, but Tokoyami didn’t feel sorry for him. “I really am… s-sorry…” He couldn’t believe what he did, he didn’t want to hurt you but he was so angry, so fueled by all the fury and everything else that his host felt in the moment that he just lashed out and tore through everything in his path.

But Todoroki and Bakugou flashed their light on him, only then did he realize what he had done.

He hurt you…

He saw you flying and he knocked you out of the wind…

“If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done what you did…” Tokoyami spoke to him coldly, it wasn’t the first time he’s been pissed off at his shadow before, but this time he was just disappointed with him. He hated him.

“I-I know but…” His shadow sadly whimpered and tried to tell him how sorry he was but Tokoyami shook his head, “I don’t want to hear it anymore! And I don’t want to hear you anymore!” The raven didn’t even think, he just shouted at his quirk when he couldn’t take his apologies anymore. Sorry wasn’t going to bring you back after all.

“B-But Fumi…”

“No more! Just be quiet! Be quiet and don’t speak to me!” He shouted at him one last time as he got up on his knees and turned all the lights on in his room to make his shadow go away, and he held his tongue so he would keep to his word and no longer to speak to his shadow. After what they did to you, this was a deserved punishment.

Dark Shadow gave a low sniffle and quickly retreated when the sudden brightness of the light stung. Tokoyami was really mad at him now, and at the moment he felt like he deserved it now that you were gone because he couldn’t control himself.

“Okay then…” Was the last thing Dark Shadow mumbled as he stood within his host and remained dormant inside.

As he could no longer hear his shadow, Tokoyami already felt the twinge of guilt as he shakily sighed. It’s not like it was completely Dark Shadow’s fault that was simply in his nature, but still, Tokoyami couldn’t help but blame him.

However, he also blamed mostly himself. If anyone was the real villain tonight, it was him.

He hurt someone good, someone beautiful, someone who had never done anything to anybody. A hero in training with a good quirk that did nothing but bring light and good to this already bleak world. You were gone, and it was all his fault. He killed you. He killed someone he grew to love…

It was all too much for Tokoyami to bear as he stumbled and fell to his bed, eyes shut as he did his best to hold his tears back, even though he could still hear Dark Shadow weeping inside him. His quirk was crying…

And it was because of him, and because he felt terrible for hurting someone he grew to really love too. He wanted to be mad at Dark Shadow, he really did, and he was, so he couldn’t just comfort him. Not when he was just upset, but he couldn’t bear to listen to him cry when he was on the verge of a breakdown himself.

The raven clenched his fists as the crying grew louder, hands flying to his ears in a vain attempt to block it out. It wasn’t working…

So he lied down on his, head on his pillow as he quickly grabbed his headphones to place over his ears, Dark Shadow’s cries already somewhat muffled and yet Tokoyami could still hear him. As fast as he could he hooked it to his phone to listen to his music on full blast to drown out his shadow.

Three Days Grace.

He put the volume up high so all he could hear was Adam Gontier screaming ‘PAIN!’ in his ears loud enough for him to finally no longer hear Dark Shadow’s crying. As Tokoyami listened to the music on full-blast he didn’t hear anything anymore, not even his own sobs as he quietly broke down on his bed. Unable to stop the warm tears streaming down his feather cheeks and unable to hear himself and Dark Shadow cry.

Tokoyami didn’t even read the time on his phone, and didn’t even care that the lights were still on. He kept them on, he wasn’t going to give his shadow anything after what he’s done, and he wasn’t going to let himself have anything else after everything he had done too.

Not after what he did to you. Yet still your vision, your smile, your laughter haunted him in his dreams as he quietly cried himself to a fitful sleep.

The room might have been bright, but his heart had no light in it right now.

8 HOURS LATER…

You had no idea how long it had been since you asked for directions from that strange man a while back. All you knew is that you needed so badly to get out of here as you kept going, even though everywhere you went there was just trees…

Trees that looked… so familiar, and yet so eerie as you walked with your arms around yourself as your blood started to dry but some was still dripping down your skin.

“I gotta go home…”

A man with blades for teeth dressed in black had cackled…

“I gotta go home…”

A six-armed figure swooped in to catch you when you saw yourself fall…

“I gotta go home…”

A boy trapped in this storm of darkness cried out as he tried so hard to escape from it…

“I gotta go home now…”

The memories were so distant that they weren’t coming to you, you just repeated the mantra over and over again because it was all that made sense to you as you lost your sense of time and didn’t even notice that dawn had arrived and the fact that you were still the sea of forests and not out of the woods yet.

Your feet, your legs, your back, your stomach, your shoulder. How they ached with every step you took, and your stomach, was it still bleeding? It didn’t feel right, no it didn’t feel right at all as you gasped when you started to finally notice…

When did you get stabbed? When did those wounds appear? Where did you get them?

“No, no, no…”

You didn’t want to acknowledge how much pain you were in; you didn’t want to think about it and you didn’t want to see anything that was creeping into your mind as you brought your hands to your head and shook it.

And you gasped when you finally saw what looked like the end of this sea-like forest and quickly sped up with a desperate whine. As you looked at the trees and the arriving dawn lighting up the darkness, an image flashed into your brain, a memory of you flying in the air and you saw sharp blades piercing through the wind and a pair of big, bright, furious red eyes glaring right at you and roaring at you.

It was a monster…

Terrified, you tried desperately to fly away, but the dark, shadowy claw slashed at your back and clawed at your stomach as you let out a scream…

It hurt so much you could see the blood droplets flying into the air as your scarred back hit the back of a tree trunk as your body plummeted to the earthy ground.

Eyes widening in slight horror when such a horrific vision flashed before your eyes that you couldn’t even believe it. What was that monster? The trees, it was still in here wasn’t it? Oh my God it was a monster, it was a monster and this feeling of dread overwhelmed you so much that you couldn’t even think.

You were bleeding, the monster got you… it was in the shadows. The shadows were full of monsters and they were coming to get you, you knew it…

“AHHHHHHHH!!”

You let out a shriek as the shadows in the forest became too much for you to bear and you just ran despite your body and stinging wounds aching in protests. Adrenaline enabled you to ignore it all as you kept running, and your reddened (E/C) eyes widened when you saw more daylight leading you out of this hell. A loud gasp left you as you let out a deep exhale when you were finally out of the trees and could see a road…

There it was, the road! You nearly cried in between your screams as you ran up the steep hill and nearly tripped on your tired feet as soon as you felt the concrete. Eyes wide and looking around frantically for any place that would take you back home. This road would take you home… it had to.

So you kept walking, praying for anything, a car, someone, a hero to see you and just take you home.

Your prayers were answered when you saw a car and you didn’t hesitate to wave your hands around and screamed, “HELP ME! PLEASE!! PLEASE HELP ME!!”

The car was still driving until you moved a little closer and it forced the driver to stop as you hurriedly ran over to the side of it, “Let me in! Please! Please let me in I’m begging you!!” You cried and pleaded with the person to open their car to you and to your relief they opened the door as you quickly sat in the passenger’s seat.

“G-Go please… p-please drive away, please take me away from here…” You shakily said now that you were in a vehicle with a man who looked to be a young adult, 20 years old at best. And he was looking at you like you were crazy as he took off driving nonetheless.

Finally… finally you were going to escape from this nightmare and go back home… the monster couldn’t get you.

“T-Thank you… you saved my life…” You meekly muttered to the driver, who barely even looked at you. “Well you didn’t really give me a choice, you just jumped out and got in the car.” He replied in a somewhat expressionless tone that didn’t imply any sort of kindness.

“I-I’m so sorry… I-I just… h-had to get away… I had to get away… H-He was… he was going to… H-He did…” The monster was male, you remembered that much. A man, there was a man with blades for teeth and the shadowy monster… he was a male too you swore he was.

“Oh yeah? Let me guess, it was your boyfriend? What did you do to him?”

Was this person serious? Why was he asking you this when you were the one bleeding and in pain here?

“I-I didn’t do anything…! H-He did this to me…! And this person was NOT my boyfriend…” You didn’t have a boyfriend, and whoever or whatever it was that did this to you was definitely NOT your boyfriend.

Still the man smirked and laughed at you, “That’s what they always say… I bet he treated you real nice and then you overreacted over something small, and made yourself the victim. Just cuz you’re all bloody don’t mean you’re the victim here. For all I know you hurt him just as badly, if not worse...”

You looked at him with an appalled look as your body continued to tremble from the immense discomfort that this man was putting you through, why was he blaming you? How was this your fault?

“I-I don’t… I-I did not… I-I’m not… c-can… can you p-please just… t-take me to the nearest town s-so I can-“

“Ha! Now you’re telling me what to do? I play the fucking hero for you and you’re trying to tell me what to do? God… Typical women… well not this time sweetheart, I’m not listening to a little bitch like you.” He said snidely with a weak smirk. Whoever this was, he had a serious hang-up on women and now he was taking whatever issues he had out on you.

You weren’t going to put up with this, “Please… s-stop the car… I-I can get out and you won’t have to-”

“Of course… all you women are such fucking cowardly bitches, weak and emotional... all of you just decide to run away when things get ‘uncomfortable’ and blame the men for that even though it’s your own fault. You wanted to try and do something and yet no, it’s not your fault, it’s the guy’s.” He still blamed you, he still felt like whatever happened to you was your fault and not the person who did this to you. It was so uncomfortable that you could feel the tears coming to your eyes, you didn’t want to be here… you’d rather be back on the road…

“Gonna cry now hon? Wow… you bitches really are all the same… you think crying is going to make me feel sorry for you?! I’m not falling for it! Go on! You can cry all you want and even jump out of my car if you want! Leave me like all my other girlfriends did!”

Was that it…? Oh my God… he was one of those guys… it was coming back to you slowly, this guy, he was one of those guys you had heard about on the internet…

“W-Why are you telling me all of this…? I-I didn’t do anything to you…”

“Yeah no that’s what you think. That’s what all you bitches do, I was nice to you. I did something nice for you, I did something nice for her, and now suddenly I’m the bad guy because I made you ‘uncomfortable’ and now she’s gone and now I’M the one getting arrested for ‘sexual harassment’. HA! Classic chick move… I deserve a little bit of that don’t I?! I was nice! I was chivalrous! I opened the door for you! And you go and treat me like this?! You think it’s okay to be nice to another guy and go out with him instead?!”

His screaming tirade terrified you and all you wanted to do was get out, until he grabbed your wrist, “Oh no no darling… I’m getting what I deserve, I was nice to you, so that means YOU do this for me!” He shouted as he let you go and then brought out a gun…

He had a gun…

“I’ll take you to the next town all right, so I can get what I deserve!” His glower turned into a dark, lustful smirk as you gasped in horror and you reached out to open the door. You would risk a serious injury just to get away from this vile man, you had to…

“You’re not leaving me too!” But he grabbed your wrist yet again, still holding the gun as his car began to swerve. “NO!!” You screamed when the car was now out of control, and when you saw him wave the gun right at you.

“I’m taking you with me…”

“NO!!” You didn’t even think, you threw your hand out to make him stop, and sent an involuntary beam of light right in his face as he screamed when the overwhelming brightness stung his eyes and he squeezed his eyes shut.

“AH!! ARRRGH!! You fucking bitch I’m gonna fucking kill you!!” The man shouted hatefully as he tried to grab the wheel to stop it, but didn’t drop the gun as he tried to shoot you but only succeeded in shooting at the glass.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!” Making you scream out loud in horror when the bullet nearly hit you, and the man’s eyes were still closed due to your blinding light.

How did you do that…?

You thought in horror as your eyes went wide when you recognized this power, your power…

In a split second everything suddenly flashed through your eyes. The man with the blades for teeth, Shouji, Tokoyami… Dark Shadow…

You were flying away from him, you were trying to save Tokoyami, but Dark Shadow attacked you… and you fell… you fell down and hit a tree and woke up to forget everything that happened in that moment…

“Tokoyami…”

You found yourself saying his name which just pissed off the man when he cracked open an eye, “Already thinking about your boyfriend that you left?! OH NO GIRLY! I’ll kill you!! I’ll kill your stupid boyfriend if you can’t fucking choose! It’s either him… or me!” He screamed as you finally had enough sense to realize how unstable this person was.

“No!” You shouted and used your light against him to blind him once more and you swiped the gun out of his hands as he lost control of the wheel and you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming when you heard the car screeching and swerving into another row of trees…

CRASH!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[queen-of-deans-booty]

99 Problems: Part Two

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2,284

Warnings: typical supernatural violence, language, angst, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

If now isn’t the right time, then you don’t know when it will be. Things keep piling up, and you’re scared Dean is going to find out about you through someone else which will only make this worse. The guilt is eating at you from the inside, and you need to come clean about what you did.

“Dean, I need to tell you something,” you say while Sam is off making a call to the nicest angel you know.

“Yeah.”

“Dean, this is important. Like, really important.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, well, no. You see, a couple of weeks ago, I… okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. I—”

“I left Cas a message. I think,” Sam interrupts. He takes a seat and hands you and Dean a beer, and his attention is focused back on the case. “So, uh, what’s your theory? Why all of the demon hits?”

“I don’t know. Gank the girl? The prophet, maybe?” Dean theorizes.

“She’s not a prophet,” you interject.

“What?”

“She’s not a prophet because she’s not human. Prophets are human. She’s not, so therefore, she can’t be a prophet,” you say with some tension.

“How do you know she’s not human?” Sam asks.

“I just do, okay? I can sense these things.”

“Yeah, well, whatever is going on, sucks. These angels are sending these people to do their dirty work.”

“Yeah, and?” Dean asks after he takes a sip of beer.

“And they could get ripped to shreds.”

“We’re all gonna die, Sam. In like a month—maybe two. I mean it. This is the end of the world, but these people aren’t freaking out. In fact they’re running to the exit in an orderly fashion. I don’t know that that’s such a bad thing.”

“Who says they’re all gonna die? What ever happened to us saving them?” he asks angrily.

Before anyone else had a chance to answer, the church bells toll, and everyone starts to get out of their seats.

“Something I said?” Dean shrugs.

“Paul. What’s going on?” Sam asks.

“Leah’s had another vision.”

“Wanna go to church?” Sam questions and gets up.

“You know me—downright pious,” Dean smiles.

“Dean, seriously, I do need to talk to you. It’s very important.”

“What is it? Tell me now.”

“It’s not the time. Just please remind me when we have a chance.”

“Okay,” he nods, and the three of you head over to the church where everyone is gathered.

“Three miles off Talmadge Road,” Pastor Gideon says once it’s time to begin. Leah stands behind him, and she interrupts by whispering in her dad’s ear. “Five miles. There are demons gathered. I don’t know how many, but a lot. Thank you, Leah. So, who’s going to join me?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Rob volunteers.

“Someone’s gotta cover Rob’s ass,” Paul grins.

“We’re in, Padre,” Dean speaks for you three.

“Thank you. I’d like to offer a prayer. “Our Father in Heaven—”

“Yeah, not so much,” you scoff.

“—help us to fight in your name. We ask that you protect us from all servants of evil. Guide our hands in defeating them and deliver us home safely. Thank you, Amen.”

Pastor Gideon directs his crew to the house Leah told everyone about. There is something off about that girl, but you can’t place your finger on it. She’s not human, then what is she? She’s not an angel or a demon, then what is she? She’s not a witch, then what is she? There isn’t time to think about it since you arrive at the demon house. Gideon and his crew crouch down to see if there are any demons outside, and you look around for them.

“Do you see anything?” Dean whispers to you.

You lift up your right hand and swipe it from the left side of your house to the right. By doing so, you allow your magic to let you see an x-ray version of the house. There are at least half a dozen demons inside, but you don’t know why they’re here.

“Two upstairs, three downstairs, and one in the basement. I’ll get the one in the basement. Be safe,” you say and get up.

“How did she do that?” Rob asks.

“Not the time, Rob. Just listen to her,” Dean coughs and takes two men with him to tackle the two upstairs.

Sam and the rest take the ones on the first floor. You, however, find a door that leads to the basement, and you use your magic to unlock it. It’s dark and dusty, but you ignore the smell and walk down the stairs. You create a ball of magic to float beside you as a source of light since you didn’t have a flashlight.

“I know you’re down here. I can sense you,” you say loudly.

There is a bit of a scuttle from behind you, and you smirk. The demon gave away his position the minute he decided to move. Turning around, you threw your ball of light at the creature. He isn’t expecting it, and the ball slams into his stomach. His body absorbs the magic which causes him to cry out in pain. He lifts his right hand and uses his demonic power to throw you against the wall. It hurt, but not as bad as this might.

You get into a running stance before charging, and you put everything you have when you slam into his body. He grunts in pain when the wind gets knocked out of him, but he recovers quickly. He grabs at your throat in an attempt to subdue you, but he should know better than to mess with a witch. Your eyes flash bright blue, and you do the first thing that comes to mind. Much like you’ve seen Castiel do, you place your hand to the top of his bald head.

His eyes and mouth are wide with fear, and black smoke starts pouring out of every crease and pore. You don’t know how this is possible, but you are exorcising the demon without saying a word. Is this what Sam felt like when he was able to do this with his powers? Sure, he was hopped up on demon blood, but still. Is it weird to say you kind of like it? Maybe it’s the adrenaline talking, but you keep doing it until the demon is no longer inside the man. He drops to the ground, clearly dead, and you get up on shaky legs.

Did that really just happen? Did you exorcise a demon with your magic? You’ve never been able to do that before. It’s like you are unlocking certain things you can do. It all began after you found out you were pregnant. Shit, you were pregnant. You have to tell Dean. Dean! You hadn’t heard anything from above, and you don’t know if that is a good sign or not. Taking the stairs from the basement to the first floor two at a time, you open the door to see all the demons dead, Sam laying on some burlap sacks, and Dean with Ruby’s knife in his hands.

“Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, are you?”

“Yeah.”

“Where were you?” Rob asks.

“Basement. There was a demon down there. Is everything okay up here?”

“Yeah, we got them all.”

“Great, we can leave now!” you smile.

It doesn’t take long to gather everyone and head outside.

“I guess that’s what it’s like, huh?” Sam sighs.

“What?”

“Having backup.”

“Guys I exorcised a demon!” you gasp happily when it was just the three of you.

Rob and his crew packed in their car while you and the brothers did the same with the Impala.

“Yeah, we all can.”

“No, with my magic! Like what Castiel does with he puts his hand on someone’s head? I did that!”

“Congratulations,” Sam chuckles.

“Be more excited for me, huh?” you scoff.

“Dean. Sam. Y/N,” Ryan says as he approaches you.

“Yo,” Dean greets.

“Hey. So, um, is—is that—is that cool that I get a ride back with you guys?” he stutters.

Dean makes eye contact with Rob in the driver’s seat, and he nods to let him know it’s okay if Ryan stays with you three. Rob doesn’t see anything wrong with it and leaves with the rest.

“Hey, you’ve saved my ass twice already. One more time, you can drive,” he laughs before turning to his brother. “Get a beer?”

Sam fetches for four beers from the car, and Dean tosses one over to the kid. Normally, you wouldn’t condone underaged drinking, but the kid earned it. Well, you don’t know how old he is, but he doesn’t look 21.

“Hey, you earned it. Don’t tell your mom,” Dean chuckles.

“Oh, believe me—I will not,” the kid scoffs.

The brothers open their beer and take a sip, but you finger the closed can. You don’t feel for alcohol right now, not when you have so much on your mind. You place the can on the trunk of the car, and before Dean has a chance to say anything about it, Dylan is grabbed by the feet and dragged underneath the car. He screams in pain, and you jump into action. Sam runs to the other side of the car while you and Dean help Ryan. There was a demon hiding underneath the car this entire time, and his only goal was to attack the kid.

“Dylan!” you scream and reach for the kid while Sam takes care of the demon with his knife.

When you see the blank look in Ryan’s eye, you know he is already gone.

“No!” Dean yells.

“Dylan, wake up,” you gasp and place your glowing hands on his face.

Dean pulls down his collar to reveal his throat had been cut by the demon. Maybe your magic can heal him, but you know that won’t work.

“Y/N, he’s gone,” Dean says painfully.

You pull your hand away as it fades to its normal color, and you lean against the car in defeat. This is not how you imagine this going.

“It’s all my fault,” you whisper.

“No, it’s not.”

“I should have known a demon was there! He died because of me! What am I going to say to his mother?”

It pained everyone when they found out about one of their own. The church obviously put together a funeral to remember Ryan, but you are more afraid of facing Jane, his mother. Rob is his dad from what you gathered before, but it’s the mother you are more scared of. At least Rob knows what the job entails. Janes doesn’t have a clue, not really. Everyone is gathered inside with you and the brothers posted outside of it. People are walking in, and when you spot Jane and Rob huddled together, your heart beats faster.

“Ma’am, we’re just, um, very sorry,” you apologize.

“You know… this is your fault,” she glares.

“Jane. Come on,” Rob whispers.

“It’s all my fault,” you sigh sadly.

“Y/N, why are you taking this so hard? People die on our watch all the time. It’s sad, but it’s true.”

“I know, but I do need to tell you something, and it’s been bugging me all day--all week—and I need to get it off my chest because it’s killing me.”

“Okay, after this we’ll talk, okay?”

“Okay,” you whisper.

Dean heads inside, but Sam stops you before you two can enter.

“You’re going to tell him? What happened to swearing me and Cas?”

“I can’t do it, Sam. When we died, all I saw was the daughter I killed. Daughter. It was going to be a girl. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. The guilt is eating me alive. I shouldn’t have done it. Oh, he’s going to hate me.”

“He’s not going to hate you.”

“Yes! I killed his child! I killed your niece! Why don’t you hate me for it?”

“Why don’t you hate me for what I did with Ruby?”

“You’re family. You’re--”

“Exactly. Dean will forgive you. Just give him time.”

“Thanks, Sam,” you sigh and head inside the church.

“I wish I knew what to say. But I don’t,” Pastor Gideon starts the service. It’s an open casket, and Ryan lays behind him. “I’m so sorry, Jane, Rob. There are no words. Dylan… I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why any of this is happening. I got no easy answers. But what I do know is—” Leah’s eyes roll to the back of her head, and she falls out of her pew. She starts to have a seizure, and you watch from the back as this happens. “Leah, honey? Leah, honey? Honey? It’s okay sweetie. It’s okay.”

“Dad, it’s Dylan,” she mutters.

“Just rest a minute, okay?”

“No, listen. Dylan’s coming back,” she says with more urgency.

“What the fuck?” you whisper so low that no one else heard you.

Her dad helps her to her feet and lets her take the floor so she can explain what the fuck just happened. This never happened with Chuck. She’s not who she says she is.

“Jane, Rob… It’s going to be okay. You’ll see Dylan again. When the final day comes--Judgement Day—he’ll be resurrected and you’ll be together again. We’ll all be together. With all our loved ones. We’ve been chosen. The angels have chosen us. And we will be given paradise on earth. All we have to do is follow the angels’ commandments.”

“What are they?” someone asks from the crowd.

Oh, this is going to be a long ceremony.

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[jonbinary-archive]

6, 10, 15! (hi i yam charlie.... this is my main but know i am showering you with gratitude for sending me an ask on ectography)

hi charlie!! thank u for th qs!!

6. What’s the detail you wait on bated breath for readers to notice?

hm not to be too ‘english teacher who says the curtains are blue because the author was depressed’ but i really do sneak near constant symbolism into everything i write, just because it’s fun for me. i think one of my favorites is just. putting spiderwebs everywhere and making characters either knock them down or ignore them based on what themes the fic has. web moments...

10. What would you change if you had to do it all again?

i wish i had added a chapter of melanie and georgie’s date in but we got heart! ive actually been thinking abt writing it and posting it into a collection bc i want more of them in love 👀

15. Give us a snippet of something from your WIPS!

here’s another wip, something i talked w ryan abt in the discord a while back about stranger sasha who, after getting nothem’ed, wakes up in a different person’s body every day (also not edited so excuse the roughness):

Elias tilts his head ever so slightly toward her. “Or am I speaking with Sasha?”

In that moment, she can feel all the high strung tension in her body drop, as though she’d been held up by strings this entire time and they’ve just been cut. Hearing her name for the first time in….days? Weeks? However long, it sends a jolt of relief through her.

“How did you know?” She asks, voice now quiet.

Instead of answering, he smooths down the hem of his suit jacket. “Quite rude to leave someone standing on your front step, wouldn’t you think, Miss James?”

send me fanfic asks!

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E7 (Throwdown)

I haven’t done this for a while, and literally nobody asked, but I’ve finished most of my degree and I need something to do in quarantine! So, I’m granting myself little a shitting on Ryan Murphy. As a treat. 

Ok so right off the bat I’m pretty sure this is the “you’re all minorities” episode, and I’m placing a bet with myself. If I’m right about it, I get ice cream when I finish. Wish me luck!

Wow, for the first time, I actually needed the re-cap. I be like, wow, so THAT’S what I missed on Glee...

Sue’s fake laugh when Will touches her arm is relatable because I, too, would want to cry if he did that to me,

“It’s glee club, not krunk club” Wow thanks Netflix subtitles I thought it was spelled crunk. Also, Mercedes, please do take season 1 Rachel to the carpet. Please.

Sign #29 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He asks what the kids want to do, and then tells Mike that his dancing is “not really what we’re going for,” like ok, so you’re not going for TALENT? He doesn’t even give the boy a chance!

Sue’s pink tracksuit is wild.

Why does Figgins care about the plans for sectionals. Doesn’t he want glee club to fail?

Figgins is the real antagonist of the glee club for forcing anybody to hug Will. Yes, Sue is a criminal, but even she doesn’t deserve this.

“I’m about to vomit down your back” me too queen.

“Whatever Quinn wants is fine” Finn... You deserve better than LIES.

“No mutations... Not even any cool ones” why is THIS making me emotional about Cory? Finn just being a vulnerable kid in this scene... He’s so scared. 

Why is Mr Schue taking them to the OB-GYN...

Jacob hitting on Rachel genuinely makes me squirm. Like, I don’t find his character or these scenes funny one bit. 

I ONLY JUST NOTICED... When Sue calls the glee club “mouth breathers” Kurt snaps his mouth shut all of a sudden. It’s a split-second cutaway but I love it. 

Sue not knowing what a piano is? Iconic.

Sign #30 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole:  He gets mad at Sue for saying she wants the minority students to feel heard. I know that she’s trying to manipulate them, but like... Let them have a solo Will.

Kendra is a fucking anti-vax wow

I literally can’t talk about this Jacob thing because the p-word makes me SQUIRM. I HATE IT.

He gallops away though it’s an interesting choice.

Like say what you want about Sue in general but she’s RIGHT here, Will fails these kids and she’s genuinely showing them a great time for now. 

Hate On Me is a BOP. Amber kills it with every god damn number...

MIKE! GETS! TO! POP! AND! LOCK!

Kurt’s fuzzy sweater is such a look. I just want to pet it!!!

Kurt actually joining in with the dancing... AND MIKE AND MATT JOINING HIS MOVE... IT’S SO CUTE!!!

They’re having so much fun. God I adore these kids.

Sign #31 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He complains about Sue taking up “his time” with the kids, but he wasn’t fucking there? And hey, asshole, they actually had FUN for once!

Sue is dangerous Will, but at least she has TASTE.

...She is a straight up abusive person though and I do not vibe

Terri straight up pushing Will to make bad choices! Fun!

Quinn being like one of five Cheerios that passed Spanish is wild.

“Your psychosexual derrangement would be fascinating Will if it WEREN’T SO TERRIFYING!” Iconic

To Game. Iconic

Oh, fun! Racism. 

Please sue him, Sue. Destroy him.

Figgins posting his own stockings commercial online? Iconic

“Let me break it down for you... Nobody cares!” Iconic

SUE’S FIRST TEMPER TANTRUM?

Drizzle. 

Finn wanted to name a baby,

D R I Z Z L E 

“I read that Gwenyth Paltrow named her baby Apple and I think that’s so cool, because you know how much I love apples, right?” Baby boy...

Ride Wit Me... Look at these kids having ACTUAL FUN SINGING TOGETHER!!! WILLIAM SHOESTIR TAKE NOTES!!!

You can hear them actually laughing together and I’m w e a k...

Santana and Brittany just hugged and it was so tender my heart wiggled

Sign #31 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He literally IGNORES Quinn when she objects to being a back-up singer YET AGAIN...

I hate this number. It’s one where the backing singers sound nothing like the characters who are back-up singing... And there’s barely any back-up anyway.

Just had a thought while I tune out this shit number... Sue recruits Puck because he’s Jewish, but not Rachel? I mean, I know it’s strategic, but... Eh.

Quinn calling him the fuck out... QUEEN.

No Air put my flatmate to sleep. She’s literally snoring. 

Sign #32 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes you were at work all day but that’s no reason to GRAB YOUR WIFE BY THE WRIST because she hasn’t made dinner...

Sign #33 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes you should be able to go to the OB-GYN with your wife but like... Don’t book an appointment for her without asking???

Sign #34 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: “I can’t do a song with three kids” he says, when only 2 of those kids sang any actual lines in the first place.

...WHY is Dr Wu telling them about his bonsai? I appreciate it. I love a good bonsai. But like... What conversation did we just cut into?

Kendra is so awful it’s hilarious. Like, her terribleness makes her funny. TAKE NOTES JACOB.

The eye contact between Quinn and Rachel as she yells at her... Oof. They’re not being nice to each other, but chemistry is chemistry. 

“You obviously have a lot you need to express” “Oh, you have no idea” and then she SPINS INTO THE NUMBER... Quinn more like Queen

Quinn outside Sue’s window, singing at her begging her to set her free... To let her make a new start... God my heart hurts. I love Quinn!!!

Keep Me Hangin’ On is a bop. It’s not the best for her voice, but I still love what she does with it.

Maybe my gay ass is just obsessed with the dancing. Who knows? (I knows. My gay ass is obsessed with the dancing.)

Quinn stood in the front alongside Finn and Rachel as if Will actually gave her any lines...

Mercedes’ dad is a dentist. You heard it here first folks.

Sign #35 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: You’re a TEACHER. You can’t THROW SHIT AROUND whenever somebody makes you mad. Yes, this also applies to Sue - but at least she’s hilariously ridiculous when she does it!!!

Sign #36 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Yes, Sue sucks, but telling her she’s going to spend her life alone??? Fuck off???

“Those of us who still have two parents” Finnnnnnn

The kids: Hey, we’re more than just minorities!  Will at the end of this episode: Mmm, are you though?

“Did it fall off” No, but I wish yours would Will.

“Why do I feel like I’m about to fall through a trap door into a pit of fire” God William I wish you would!!!

YOU’RE ALL MINORITIES... [camera focus on a black student, and a gay student] Y O U ‘ R E I N T H E G L E E C L U B

2009 really was a different time

Sue be like: Quinn FAH-bray

This scene of Quinn sobbing in Finn’s arms and him just... Trying so hard to console her... Emotions. EMOTIONS.

KEEP HOLDING ON... Why did they give the female solo to Rachel in this song when Quinn doesn’t really like her, if this number’s really for her. Surely it’d be Finn and Santana, or Brittany, since they’re her closest friends in the club at this point???

KURT AND QUINN SPINNING TOGETHER... I love the few scenes we get of them together. And it’s a CRIME that they never got a full duet. They could’ve been hilarious friends to watch.

Oh god... Just... A close up of Quinn Fabray crying. Kill me why don’t you???

[austerlitzborodinoleipzig]

The Timeless Children review.

There’s a lot to say about the Timeless Children, but setting aside discussion about what that new lore dump means for the show, and trying to keep things about this episode...

A bad episode with okay lore, and some noted improvements on Chibnall’s part. 

I’m okay with retcons. It’s Doctor Who. Nothing is sacred. (I mean, except the core values of the main character. Having the Doctor selling the Master to the Nazis as a POC is so much worse). Things will get retconned/modified. Are certain retcons bullshit? Yes, but that’s another matter. Fundamentaly I don’t think Who canon, if there’s even such thing, should be kept safe. Like it or not, the showrunner is in charge. There’s no such thing as respect for the fans, or for the previous eras. 

And like I’m the first to complain but really if Chibshow wants to stick the middle finger at Moffat show, that’s his godamm right. The showrunner has full ownership of the show, otherwise it would hamper the creative process. We can discuss why the changes made are bad, but saying “How dare Chibnall retcon the deep lore” is idiotic. 

So kudos to Chibnall for daring. I mean The Timeless Children left a bad aftertaste in my mouth, but hey it was engaging. I wanted to know more, which compared to Series 11 is a vast improvement. 

So yes lore was okay. 

Did I like the reveal/retcon ? Not really. 

Is it possible to make something interesting out of that? I’ve seen some good takes about it, so yeah. On the downside this is Chibnall we’re talking about, so trust him to pick the least interesting idea.

Will I come to terms with it? I did not like the idea of the War Doctor, or the fact that Doctor saved Gallifrey at first. I’ve come round since, and even like it now. I expect I’ll have digested all of it in the coming months, and I’ll be able to make it fit with my own headcanons/continuity/personal conception of Doctor Who... 

Does it really change anything? The Timeless Child, not so much. All the pre-Hartnell Doctors and the fact that the Doctor worked for the CIA (or the Division, whatever the fuck the difference is), yes, a lot, and I like it even less. 

Are there ways to go around it? Yes there are. And also the scope of Doctor Who is so big, you can comfortably ignore it. 

The episode was bad.

Bad because the lore was infodumped in the most boring and unimaginative way, with the Master just doing exposition for 60% of the runtime. Also the Matrix looks boring. Fucking grey background.

Ashad is perhaps the Chibnall villain with the most potential. I’m still thinking voluntarily converted Cyberman is a great idea that deserved a lot more of exploring. There’s really some fascinating implications... And all of that got flushed down the toilet, because Ashad got unceremoniously killed by the Master. 

Also, hello big MacGuffin death particle. Chibnall, would it kill you to make the effort to introduce the great big “plot-resolve” button in the previous episode?What a convenient reveal with no groundwork, that feels telegraphed from a mile. 

Worst of it is probably the moment where the Doctor awakes, ensues some excruciating moments, where the Doctor tries to figure out the Master’s plan, while we, the audience have already been informed, by means of exposition. And then we get more exposition for the death particle we already got 20 minutes ago, with bad dialogue to boot. “There’s a myth...” Oh ffs! Why use myth? Nothing in that dialogue is mythic, Chibnall is not lyrical enough for it. That’s imitation of mythic.

Also unclear on the specifics of how the death particle works. Per the Master and Ashad, it erases all the life in the Galaxy. And then during exposition n°2, provided by Ravio, we hear it only erases life on one planet, which is what the Doctor tries to do at the end. 

But “all organic life”... By all account had Ashad activated it, it would have killed the Cybermen as well, or at least him. They’re not pure robots and we can clearly see with Ashad that there’s organic living bits underneath. So all that big ascension will be without Ashad. Of course you could make the case that the Ascension is really the Cyberium’s aim and that it does not care the slightest about Ashad. 

Also we shall have dominion... Over what, if you killed everyone? Again, poorly thought out motivations for Ashad. Mostly it sounds cool, but it’s empty when you take a closer look at it. 

And speaking of the Cyber Time Lords. Well, we’re told they were made with the corpses of dead Time Lords the Master kept. If they’re dead, we’re assuming it’s permanent death, otherwise they would have regenerated... So where the hell does the regeneration ability comes from? And if they are corpses in Cybersuits, how come they would be affected by the death particle, as they are definitely not living?

I mean it’s Doctor Who so I’m willing to overlook this details if there’s a good story told behind it. Like, the Daleks’ plot in The Dalek Invasion of Earth is fucking stupid. Let’s mine the Earth’s core, to replace it with a motor and then drive Earth around in space, like a big spaceship. But then that’s a small detail in an episode whose purpose is elsewhere : presenting a dystopian vision of England, a post apocalyptic, facist world. It’s about the pure dread for the spectator of seing his world overrun by space Nazis. It’s the first episode of the show’s history with an alien invasion. It’s also about Susan. And there’s also quite a chunk devoted to mostly Barbara, but also Ian for a bit: how they react to that world that seems familiar and at the same time, completely alien. 

Here there’s no story behind it. It’s basically a dressing for the big lore reveal. 

It’s a bad Cyberman story. Nothing about the Cyberzealot is really explored in a meaningful way. He’s supposedly conflicted... Yeah because we’re told so by the Doctor in Ascension. Show not tell, yadda, yadda, yadda... So Cybermen are nothing more than your generic evil robots... And even the Master sees how stupid that is and takes the piss (rightly so). 

Supporting cast is there for nothing more than exposition, or action sequences that do nothing more than distracting us from the lore reveal, because that’s the only thing really going on in that ep. 

And yet again we have a final that does a piss poor job with the companions. Second in a row. To be fair, Battle of Raging Avatar tried to give some closure to Ryan and Graham... It just did it so badly it does not even register as a try. 

This time Yaz is the better served with three(!) character bits. Tis only fair after Series 11. But still feels underbaked. I mean I think it will all depend on whether she leaves with the Christmas Special. She still has been massively underserved by the show. The last episodes, starting with Praxeus she did get some good content, but that‘s a bit late and still not enough, when you compare it with the other New Who companions. And well one of Yaz’s traits is her need for validation from the Doctor... and here she gets it from Graham??? In itself it’s a really fine moment. but underwhelming if that is to be the conclusion of her arc. 

And again, there’s only minimal progression in terms of development for the fam. Yaz has perhaps the most significant one, going from   Doctor is the best person -> I’m the best person. 

Graham has mostly been stucked with comic relief this series, and goes from. Decent bloke that married Grace to ... You’re okay?? 

Ryan... I feel this season really did not know what to do with him. He doesn’t have anything to do in the final, just fire at a bunch of Cybermen. That bit with the bomb is one of the most half-assed excuses for an arc I’ve seen. So Ryan beats dyspraxia, said dyspraxia being only mentioned when it’s convenient, or when we need to establish the character, because he really believes in himself and focuses??? And yet I had so much hope after Woman Who Fell To Earth and that really good bike scene. 

Also the relationship between the Doctor and her fam is again unresolved... My fam, I need them... That feels unearned after a whole season of agressively pushing the Doctor and the companions apart, and with the Doctor becoming more and more distant, and sometimes an asshole. I was waiting for the show to adress that... And it peters out.  The episode fails on an emotional level. 

The big climax... Sigh... Is yet another riff from RTD, this time from that super good scene from Parting of the Ways... Except less well done, because we’ve seen all that before, what else is new? Also the resolution of that in Series 1 was a moment of grace and love, and just beautiful, and felt satisfying, and paid off the Doctor’s arc... Here we have wannabe-Obi-Wan/Luke-from-the-sequel conveniently sacrifying himself. Again, the less well done remix of the RTD years. And that final cliffhanger would have been charming had we not been coming from a season that consistently mined the RTD-nostalgia. 

That bit with Ruth was lovely, and gives me some hope for the way the lore is going to be treated but... Doctor!Ruth is magnificent and yet again upstages Thirteen a bit. And I think it’s a bit of a problem when your incumbent Doctor gets upstaged by other incarnations...

Another problem here is that the Doctor remains totally passive, ineffective, and with limited agency throughout the episode, which was... eh. Doesn’t make for a good story. 

Still some things were good

The Master was definitely the best thing about this episode. Maybe unpopular opinion but Chibnall nailed the Master. So many good moments

the whole kicking himself for not thinking of a good one liner before zapping the Ashad

his whole motivation: I’ve seen some really good posts going round, but of course everything is totally in character for the Master. Jealousy at being upstaged by the Doctor, again. Hint of race supremacy. Cannot bear the fact that his not from the Master race, because all his claims to superiority have gone up in smoke. He’s not a renegade prince anymore. He’s a renegade fake. 

That really good bit where he’s sad his gamble paid off, and he did not died when killing Ashad. This is a suicidal Master, a bit like Simm, but Simm had the rage to live, while Dhawan!Master... Just wants to sow destruction, doesn’t matter if it’s his own. Mostly really broken, with an identity crisis no less than the Doctor’s and going on a destructive rampage instead. 

The carped is red because it’s drenched in the blood of the Time Lords. That line and its delivery is one of the highlights of the episode. It’s so perfectly ridiculous and bad on purpose and over the top. 

Also Dhawan has a really great voice and I could here him speak forever. Does he narrate books?

Interesting how even if he’s Thirteen’s Master, the Dhawan Master just screams Eleven. The clothes. The mannerism, the lines and the delivery... I could see Smith in his performance. 

Another good bit is Ko Sharmus... Finally someone to articulate why the whole take “guns=bad” that was going on these two series was bad. Because yeah sometimes people try to kill you so you have to fight back. 

I was afraid that Ko Sharmus would be undermined... And he’s the hero of the episode. And I’m really glad that Thirteen failure to fire the bomb was depicted for what it was... A failure. Because then Ko Sharmus gets his hero moment and saves the day, by firing it. 

Criticism of the Doctor’s position for what it is: self righteousness and hypocrisy?? In my Chibshow??? That’s more likely than you think.

And finally the Cyber Time Lords were ridiculous and I loved everything about the design. 

So really, my problem is not the lore. My problem is that Chibnall is going balls to the wall, firing from all cylinders, doing big lore... And still fails to tell an engaging story. 

[addictsitter]

F, G, Q, and T

F: What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? consistently? god, uh. i think probably kingdom hearts? but that was years back. maybe stranger things since i did get into it like, a month after s2 aired but it was a backburner fandom. wait no nm it’s descendants. cause i’ve been more or less YES DESCENDANTS GOOD a lot for the last three and a half years. so. also kind of tortall bc i get sporadically bitter about neal/kel every month or so and have since about 2007.

G: Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it? ooh okay so the first otp i remember is john sheppard/teyla emmagan from stargate atlantis and i just. never really got over them. (they’re my forever otp)

Q: A ship you’ve abandoned and why: oh okay this one is kinda tough but i guess the best example is probably jay/carlos and mal/evie from descendants? like, i have nothing against the ships themselves and there’s plenty of material there. BUT. the fandom, rachel. i hate. the descendants fandom. so goddamn much. because they’re really obnoxious (never 4get the j*ylos stans who called d3 the straightest of the movies despite jay/gil being as close to canon as we were gonna get for a descendants movie just bc carlos was still with jane. also all the j*ylos stans who complained about them ~no homo’ing~ j*ylos in d2 because carlos liked jane and jay and carlos’s friendship got less focus while completely ignoring the harry/gil kiss that was scripted, filmed and then cut!!!)

(”alec are you still bitter about d2″ I AM ALWAYS BITTER ABOUT D2)

T: Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

ahem. excuse me. [retrieves stack of paper] we’re going to go alphabetically by fandom. and by alphabetically by fandom, i mean you’re getting some highlights.

under a cut for length

battlestar galactica: hello yes have i talked about kara thrace being a lesbian yet? no? so kara thrace is a lesbian and lee adama is a trans lesbian and they are happy and in love. thank you, have a nice day.

being human: s3 established that annie feels things that people feel when she touches them which leads me to the headcanon that mitchell, nina and george made all her old favorite foods for, like, an entire week and ate them so she could enjoy them again, along with other things. (we do not discuss the plot that involved that part i don’t acknowledge 98% of s3 for a reason.)

descendants: uma’s mother is ursula, this is canon, but i fully headcanon that her father is a deity of some flavor and she, like mal, is a full on demigoddess. aside from that, i also will live and die by the idea that ben can go beast without audrey’s magic being involved. also carlos is non-binary, evie’s a trans girl, harry is the definition of chaotic bi and non-binary and gil’s a trans boy.

elementary: i. i have so many. where do i start. um. easiest is this: during the time skip in the finale while joan underwent chemo, kitty came back to new york and archie and arthur spent, like, all their time together while sherlock and kitty traded off watching the kids. also: joanlockbell ot3 or bust.

the get down: shao got the fuck away from annie and got a happy ending and met zeke again at some point and they lived happily ever after. also DIZZEE IS TOTALLY FINE.

gilmore girls: finale what finale. revival what revival. logan and rory are happily married and working on their careers and EVERYONE IS GOOD AND NOBODY IS PREGNANT.

gossip girl: dan’s not gossip girl what the fuck show. trans girl jenny or bust. also trans girl blair.

harry potter: [insert requisite dean/seamus and sirius/remus comment here] also harry became a goddamn teacher fuck that auror shit that boy needs to get away from more fighting goddamn. also someone please get him into therapy. please.

high school musical: listen chad danforth is a trans girl and people can come fight me. also requisite chad/ryan comment here.

izombie: post-s3 did not happen, ravi is either immune or a zombie and he and liv are happily together and clive is regularly grossed out by them as a couple. major goes back to being a social worker, as he fucking should have.

i had a kingdom hearts thing here but tbh i just. have so many emotions that i can’t even touch it 

leverage: listen. listen. eliot absolutely worked for the stargate program and nobody can ever convince me otherwise. it was supposed to happen and they couldn’t manage it so i’m declaring it my canon. also hardison may or may not have learned his hacking skills from his nana.

i. had magicians headcanons and i still have magicians headcanons and one of them is genderfluid quentin and that is literally the only one i can think of without crying right now.

one piece: aro/ace lawlu or bust. genderfluid sanji or bust. lesbian nami or bust. also. my asshole babes aka cp9 aka now at least partially in cp0 are not, in fact, back working for the government inexplicably but are instead working undercover in cp0 for the revolutionary army. also mishanks was a thing bye

pacific rim: gender gets really fucking weird in the drift. nobody’s cis.

shadowhunters: hi yes do you have a moment to hear about jacemaia and how they are actually friends and spend time together and help each other with trauma and like each other

stranger things: BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE BI STEVE steve and robin are bi/lesbian solidarity and any job they have in a non-80s small town setting involves robin roasting the fuck out of steve for failing with people of every gender. also elmax.

tortall. TORTALL. okay so. alanna is non-binary of some flavor idk what. alanna is with george and they both might also be with jon who’s publicly married to thayet who’s really married to buri who’s publicly married to raoul for ~appearances~ who’s actually w/ gary and maybe jon if he’s not being a dick that day. also. kel is married to neal and yuki and they all live together at new hope and all absolutely suck at hiding that fact and everyone at new hope just, like, conveniently ignores it. also i have A Lot of neal/kel feelings and headcanons but those would take me twelve hours, three powerpoints, a fifth of whiskey and yelling directly at tamora pierce to get through.

uhhh i think that’s it? maybe? possibly? i can’t think of anything else that i want to talk about at this point? i’ll stop now, at least.

[pathetic-at-the-disco]

The Tragic Love Life of Ryan Ross: Part 3 (Masterpost)

(Continued from Parts 1 and 2; click here to see all)

So, you may have heard about Keltie Colleen.

There is a lot of discourse on the Internet about the unfortunate former relationship between Ryan Ross and Keltie Colleen (now known as Keltie Knight), largely because of Keltie’s tell-all book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom, which she released only a year after their breakup. Is Ryan a terrible person? Is Keltie a terrible person? Who cheated on who? How does the Young Veins’ music play into everything? What about Ryan’s 21st birthday party? Who is really the victim here?

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

(Warning: Extremely long post ahead. Viewer discretion is advised.)

It’s late August in 2006. Panic! at the Disco’s hit single ”I Write Sins, Not Tragedies” has been nominated for several awards---Best Group Video, Best New Artist in a Video, Best Rock Video, Best Art Direction in a Video, and most impressively Video of the Year---at the MTV Video Music Awards. They are also scheduled to perform the song live as part of the show.

Keltie Colleen, a 24-year-old Canadian professional dancer, lands a coveted role as a backup dancer for a band that she has never heard of at the VMAs.

A few days before the show, all of the dancers have a rehearsal with the band present, as immortalized in this video:

Keltie is the blonde dancer who starts talking at around 1:30.

This episode is also immortalized in Keltie’s book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom (referenced from now on as RRR):

“A few days before the show, the band came to Chelsea Studios and watched us rehearse. The lead singer’s pants were tight and he wore Reebok high-top sneakers, while the other three wore fancy, pointed-toe Beatle boots. They all looked about 14 years old, nervous to be a few feet away from the sexy dancers romping around to their music. They drank Starbucks on the floor while managers and bodyguards whizzed around them. Apparently, they were the new hot thing and everyone cared. I still hadn’t heard of them but exclaimed enthusiastically to an MTV cameraman that I was ‘sooooo excited’ to be dancing for them.” (RRR, p92)

One of the band members, the nearly 20-year-old Ryan Ross, was captivated by something in Keltie’s smile, and he had his band manager invite her to the VMA after party to get to know each other better. This first meeting at the dance rehearsal was also mentioned in Keltie’s 2009 interview with Dance Spirit magazine:

The couple met when Keltie was a backup dancer for the group at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards. “We were at rehearsal, and the band came to see the routine. This one guy was staring at me. It was awkward!” she says. (“For some reason she was the only one I even saw,” Ryan says. “Maybe it was her smile. Something caught my eye—and still does.”)

The VMA performance went off without a hitch, except for Brendon’s shaky vocals. Keltie is the blonde in the big feathered hat and dark lavender skirt.

To make things even better for the band, Panic! at the Disco won the most prestigious award of the night, the Video of the Year.

At the after party, Ryan and Keltie really hit it off, and talked for a long time.

“Awkwardly, I approached the band at the bar. I said hello to the thin, frail, beautiful boy beside me... The boy looked uncomfortable with his newfound fame, which I found endearing.

From the moment we started talking, I felt connected to him. He was sweet and slightly odd, like a strange bird in the zoo you can’t help but stare at because you’ve never seen anything like it. Everything out of his mouth belonged in some wild romantic comedy filled with modern-day Romeos and beautiful love songs. He existed in the present but didn’t actually live here with the rest of us. He was a starry-eyed dreamer who created an entire world in his head. Instead of dealing with the not-so-magical situations in his life, his mind transformed to a place where he was happy. His dreams consisted of haunting melodies, men in fanciful 1800s suits and a blissful utopia where people fell deeply in love.” (RRR, p94)

Keltie soon became overwhelmed with what she was feeling and left the party after exchanging phone numbers. Ryan immediately began texting her, and invited her to join him in his hotel room. Keltie took him up on the offer, and they ordered room service and talked for hours. Their connection was undeniable, but Keltie still had some doubts---largely because she was still emotionally damaged by her volatile ex, Nick Perri (brother of Christina). Nevertheless, Keltie decided to see what could happen with Ryan.

“We were both out of our league for different reasons... What he didn’t realize is that I was a co-dependent perfectionist who would seduce, date, and fall in love with him without his consent. While we ate our ham and egg sandwiches, I wish I knew that we were at the start of a beautiful and ultimately tragic love story.” (RRR, p95)

They shared their first kiss early the next morning, after taking things to Keltie’s apartment and talking until 6:30am.

“...when he kissed me on the stoop of my apartment building, I never wanted it to end. We kissed as taxis surrounded us, store gates opened and professionals in suits rushed to work, but none of that mattered. It was the most perfect kiss I ever experienced. I had no idea if I would ever see him again, but for the moment, I reveled in the sweetness of our innocent kiss. I found everything I needed to know about him with that kiss. Words were useless. I knew it. He knew it. This was it.” (RRR, p96-97)

Ryan had to leave to go back to Las Vegas, but that didn’t stop the budding relationship. He and Keltie jumped into a frenetic pattern of texting constantly and visiting one another whenever either one could manage a few days away from their responsibilities. This is what Keltie has to say about the first several days on end that they spent together:

“Even with my exhausting schedule, I barely slept for the entire four days [Ryan] was in town. Being around him turned me into a silly 14-year-old girl. I felt a sense of camaraderie with the actual 14-year-old girls who screamed during his concert.

[Ryan] was staying at the W Hotel. We spent most of our evenings in bed, eating room service, talking about our lives and learning more about each other’s deepest, darkest places. We stayed under the safe haven of our blankets, sharing secrets. When he left to fly to Europe, I stayed in bed. The sheets smelled like him. He texted me on the way to the airport, ‘I think some butterflies just flew out of my mouth.’ I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant, but I knew it was a good thing. Everything he said and did was artistic. He never said I was pretty, but instead compared my face to the night sky. Dating him was like being the ingenue of one of my favorite Broadway musicals. He spoke in the language of epic.” (RRR, p100-101)

During this time (fall of 2006), the boys of Panic! embarked on a tour of Europe, which made it even more difficult for Ryan and Keltie to see one another. Keltie was not to be deterred, though, and decided to spend her meager life savings to visit him in Brussels for Panic!’s October 20th concert. She also accompanied them to their show in London the following day and stayed with them on their tour bus. Apparently, their lifestyle was not as sophisticated as Keltie had hoped for, but she persevered.

“I watched the four boys eat leftover pizza and share a tiny one-room dressing room and the same dingy stall of a shower that wasn’t anywhere as glamorous or interesting as [their fans] assumed it was. To be honest, it was actually quite boring, and if it wasn’t for [Ryan]’s eyes staring back at me, I most likely would’ve fallen asleep.

As I boarded my plane home, I found a note inside my bag from [Ryan]: ‘Thank you for coming to visit me. You are such an amazing girl, and I keep finding out reasons why.’” (RRR, p103-104)

Soon after this trip, Ryan asked Keltie if she would officially be his girlfriend. She had some serious reservations because of how much she had been hurt in the past, but she ignored her gut and told him yes.

“We took a cab uptown to the hotel the band stayed at. It happened to be called The Dream. Ironic, since I was living out most girls’ fantasies by staying there with him. [Ryan] turned to me and asked, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ I stopped. I might have gagged. I really liked [Ryan], but I had such terrible luck with boyfriends. I loved being together without any rules or titles. I reached a point in my life where I expected everyone to break their promises to me and figured that if I stayed out of situations involving any, I wouldn’t get hurt. I was like a child who finally learned that if you stick your hand in the fire, you’re going to get burned. But lying beside his soft skin in that magical hotel, drenched in candle light and with the grumbling of Manhattan taxicabs as our soundtrack, I could only look in his little puppy dog eyes and say, ‘Yes.’ “(RRR, p106)

This moment is obviously romantic, but it is also highly disturbing how Keltie had so many reservations at the beginning of their relationship that she ignored. She knew that she would never truly understand Ryan and would ultimately break his heart, but this was not enough for her to call off their relationship. Keltie used Ryan for emotional fulfillment and validation, and rationalized it to herself as merely wanting to take care of him.

As you can imagine, when a relationship starts this badly, it only gets much worse with time.

But of course, Ryan had no idea that Keltie was not being honest with him. He was ecstatic to have a girlfriend---so happy, in fact, that he started talking about her in public at every possible opportunity.

One notable example is when he mentioned her in Rolling Stone magazine:

And here is a video interview from November 2006 where Ryan mentions that he has a girlfriend, starting at around 3:00.

Both of these examples are also mentioned in Keltie’s book, in a larger passage about the unfortunate stereotyping that she faced from fans and the media:

“[Ryan] talked about me on television. Someone asked him what his favorite thing was about me and he answered live, in front of a huge audience, ‘She never gets jealous.’ He confirmed to the millions of teenage fans that he was taken. I think I was the only happy fan that day. What I didn’t know was that my life was about to be turned upside down by complete strangers, the power of the Internet and cruel gossip. I felt like the target of every girl in America who didn’t understand why [Ryan] chose to be with me. To others, I was a ditzy cheerleader trying to get ahead in the business. Really, I was someone affected, introspective and falling in love.

While walking down the New York City streets every day, his face greeted me from the covers of music magazines. I bought them all to support him. His Rolling Stone issue came out and in his interview, he said he was dating a ‘nice’ girl. I was in shock to even make it into the article.” (RRR, p108)

No one deserves to be faced with such misogyny and unfair scrutiny because of their choice of partner. And unfortunately, there was a great deal of both in the Panic! fandom of 2006. Keltie and Ryan’s relationship may have ultimately been a terrible decision on both their parts, but no one deserves to be treated that way by the public.

By this time, it was December, and since the “Nothing Rhymes With Circus” tour had just ended, Ryan spent Christmas in New York City with Keltie. There continued to be a startling inequality in their relationship, but they were nonetheless happy:

“During our Christmas holiday, we shuttled around New York in hats and mittens. We took pictures in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center. We rode a carriage through Central Park. We went ice skating. It was such a wonderful time and it seemed unfair to the rest of the world that the two of us should have everything. We robbed the bank of happiness and kept all of it for ourselves. I knew I deserved it. I knew he did too.

Away from our families, we ate Chinese takeout on Christmas Eve and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on my tiny television. On Christmas morning, [Ryan] presented me with a beautiful gold locket from the 1800s. On the outside, he had it inscribed with one word: love. It was stunning. I refused to take it off my neck for the next three years. I gifted [Ryan] with the book How to Sing for Dummies. At the time, he was so much more in love with me than I was with him. I chose to keep it light and funny, and he went right to the lovey-dovey stuff. I think he was so kind because he was never sure where he stood with me. I was so incredibly happy and told anyone but him.” (RRR, p110)

In February of 2007, they spent Valentine’s Day together at Ryan’s place in Las Vegas. Keltie was still being reticent about her feelings for him, but this would soon change after a dramatic turn of events:

“We spent Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas and decided to exchange love letters. I already knew how he felt about me because almost every minute of my day was filled with some sort of sweet message from him, but I was still so afraid to let [Ryan] know how I felt... But alas, Valentine’s Day came and we exchanged letters. His came to me on vintage card stock, pressed with a wax seal. The words of the letter were some of the sweetest I had ever heard, with statements about how he would never hurt me and how lucky he felt to be loved by me. How he would never hurt me.

Next I gave [Ryan] my present, a handcrafted memory box with pictures of us on the outside. I wanted to write so many things to him---that I was head over heels in love with him, that I was scared of him, that I was still reeling over my past heartbreak, that I would give up everything to spend my days with him---but I couldn’t bring myself to give away that much of my heart. So instead, I put a single piece of paper inside the box with three words: I love you.

The look of disappointment on [Ryan]’s face when he received his letter was devastating. I felt awful. I wished I could have given him what he wanted, all of me, but I didn’t have a whole me to give away. I was cautious to give away the little bit of my heart I had left...

On Valentine’s Day evening, after disappointing him with my small note, I grabbed my computer and wrote my love letter. I told him everything I knew I shouldn’t. I gave him my heart. I was completely honest, open, and vulnerable. I set the letter aside for him to read when I left the next morning to fly back to New York.” (RRR, p112-113)

The problem here is not that Keltie felt uncomfortable with expressing her feelings for Ryan, or that she was unsure if she truly loved him. The problem is that he could not read her mind, and she was not being honest or forthcoming with him. The ethical choice would have been not to get into a relationship while carrying so much emotional baggage, especially with someone so obviously vulnerable. Instead, Keltie strung Ryan along, accepted his gifts and affection, and never truly intended to reciprocate. The fact that she did eventually reciprocate despite her misgivings is an interesting point on its own.

February turned into March, Keltie stayed in New York, and Ryan packed his bags to leave for The Cabin™ with the guys, where they would all stay for two months.

This stint of seclusion brought the boys closer than ever before, and sparked a period of productivity. They wrote about half of an avant-garde album that was ultimately scrapped, and more importantly emerged as a solid, creative, and tightly-knit group.

It is also clear that Keltie was on Ryan’s mind during this separation, as these lyrics show:

Ryan felt like he was nowhere near as good as Keltie, that what she saw in him were just “hallucinations”, that he was “only reflecting [her] perfections”, that he was the “lucky” one. This is the first big example of Ryan’s codependency, specifically the idea that he was worthless and could not survive without her. Unfortunately, this became even worse over time.

Meanwhile, Keltie booked a prestigious gig as a backup dancer for Fergie. She texted Ryan about it a week in advance, but did not remind him at all. And when the big day rolled around, this happened:

“Backstage in costume, I was disappointed after checking and rechecking my phone to see I hadn’t received a good luck message from [Ryan]. What the rest of the world thought didn’t matter. If he was missing from the equation, I was sad, but I was sure he’d be watching.

I called him later that night, ecstatic after the heart-pounding performance. When I asked him if he saw it, he responded with, ‘See what?’ I was heartbroken. I reminded him about the Fergie performance earlier that night and he apologized, saying that he and his bandmates were busy working on a song.

This became the story of my entire summer. My star rose and fell at the same time because I could never find a way to be important enough to [Ryan]. I became an afterthought. I was on television for two and a half minutes that night and found it impossible to believe that whatever he was doing was so important that he couldn’t afford to step away for a few minutes.” (RRR, p117-118)

Keltie had begun to base her self worth on Ryan’s interest, which is extremely unhealthy. This also pitted her firmly against the other drain on his attention... Panic! at the Disco. Keltie began to resent his friends as an opponent, in a metaphorical game of tug-of-war over Ryan.

The couple began arguing all the time and growing more distant as Panic! grew closer and worked on Pretty. Odd. Keltie even began to worry that Ryan was being unfaithful, but she didn’t press the issue. Every time they would get into an argument, she would tell him what he was doing something wrong and he would give her an explanation. Keltie saw his reasons as disingenuous, and would accuse him of lying to her. Since we do not have access to Ryan’s direct thoughts on the matter, it is entirely possible that he was in fact being honest with her. Regardless, Keltie did not see it that way.

“We started fighting a lot and whenever I was angry, [Ryan] formulated a wonderfully brilliant excuse. He was a masterful storyteller. He once told me that he was so good at getting around things because he spent his entire life sneaking around behind his father’s strict, Catholic back. [Ryan] seemed innocent, but he was still capable of deceit. It was my fault for accepting lame excuses, but when the issues blew over and [Ryan] and I were good, we were so good that it instantly erased all of his wrongdoings.” (RRR, p119)

What we do have from Ryan is “Lie to the Truth” and “The Other Girl”, both of which address his accused dishonesty and ��wrongdoings’. “The Other Girl” even includes this as the chorus:

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This seems like a response to Keltie’s behavior in the previous quote. Ryan got so used to being told that he was wrong that his apologies became rehearsed, a droning chorus of admitting that Keltie is always right and always knows better than he does.

These examples also show the disconnect in their relationship. What Keltie saw as Ryan being immature and dishonest, Ryan saw as Keltie nitpicking everything he did and expecting him to defer to her judgment. Their relationship became a strange play on teenage disobedience, with Keltie being the nagging mother and Ryan being the rebellious teen. This is not healthy for two adults in a romantic relationship.

Things became even worse when Ryan decided to adopt a dog, a cute little teacup beagle named Hobo.

He named her Hobo because she had an unstable life, which seems cute and funny when you watch this video:

But if you picked up on Ryan’s undercurrent of bitterness as he describes Hobo occasionally going without food and smelling bad, there is a reason. Keltie touches upon this issue in her book:

“During a trip to Los Angeles to visit him, we fought in a friend’s kitchen after I found the puppy he recently purchased alone in the bathroom without any food or water, covered in her own feces. [Ryan] left for a meeting, and I stopped by to meet him at the friend’s house, not knowing he wouldn’t be there.

When he returned hours later with red eyes and lame excuses, I was angry. Not only for treating me like garbage, but for the puppy too. I told him weeks prior that getting a pet was a bad decision. But he wanted what he couldn’t have and bought the small beagle, and somehow thought in the middle of touring the world he would have time to be a dad to this little pup.

He told me her name was Hobo, put her in my arms and introduced me as her mommy. I instantly fell in love with her and became more protective of her than I was of my own heart. At the end of the fight, I was in tears holding the shaking puppy in my hands. [Ryan] turned to me and said, ‘I cannot fix this right now.’ I left, driving down the winding roads of the Hollywood Hills to stay with a friend...

Something in [Ryan] changed. His mind and lungs were polluted. I wasn’t angry anymore, just sad for him... I thought I could protect him so he would stay the sweet and sincere boy I fell in love with forever. Los Angeles had a different plan." (RRR, p119-120)

Things had, in fact, changed. Ryan was at the same time closer than ever with his friends to the point of seeing them every day, and yet more codependent than ever with Keltie.

Complicating matters even further, as touched upon briefly in the previous quote, Ryan and the other members of Panic! at the Disco had begun experimenting with drugs, particularly marijuana. Keltie was upset, but not from being anti-drug use. Her ex, Nick Perri, had been a raging alcoholic with a cocaine addiction to boot, and it never deterred Keltie at all (you can read about that in the first quarter or so of her book). Rather, she was upset because it meant that her grip on Ryan was loosening. An entire side of him was beginning to reveal itself, and Keltie had no part in it. It was also a concrete marker of Ryan spending time with his friends, and not with her.

Ryan reflected on these changes in his life, and it all made its way into the song aptly titled “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”, ‘that green gentleman’ being slang for marijuana. In these lyrics, Ryan muses about how he never expected to become the person he had grown into, but how he was okay with the way everything had turned out:

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd, Little deaths in musical beds. So it seems I’m someone I’ve never met.

...

Things have changed for me, and that’s okay. I feel the same, I’m on my way, and I say, Things have changed for me, and that’s okay.

This is a stark contrast from how Keltie felt on the matter. She made it abundantly clear to him (and everyone else, through her book) that she was decidedly not okay with everything. Ryan literally had to write and perform a song with his friends to reassure himself that he was fine, because his significant other was always hounding him about his life choices.

Nevertheless, Keltie continued to be on his mind when they were apart. He saw everything beautiful around him as a reflection and extension of her---her dancing, her laughter, her love. And despite Keltie’s hatred and disapproval of his new marijuana habit, he even saw her in the smoke swirling up from his cigarettes. All of this made its way into a surprisingly romantic verse of “The Piano Knows Something I Don’t Know”, which he wrote around this time:

She’s the smoke. She’s dancing fancy pirouettes, Swan-diving off of the deep end Of my tragic cigarette. She’s steam, Laughing on a windowpane, The never-ending swaying haze. Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Ballet.

At the end of the summer, Ryan turned 21. To start the day, Keltie booked a romantic photo shoot with a photographer named Amy Dunn. (The second picture in this post is, in fact, from this same photo shoot.)

That night, Keltie also threw him a surprise birthday party at Pete Wentz’s club in New York City, Angels & Kings. She decorated the club with embarrassing pictures of his teen years and encouraged guests to wear t-shirts with an unflattering photo of Ryan on them. She also notably did not invite Jon Walker, one of Ryan’s closest friends, despite the fact that he was old enough to attend.

At one point, Keltie did a dramatic costume change and popped out of a giant gift box wearing a tiara and an ‘R’ necklace.

The birthday cake also had an embarrassing picture of 13-year-old Ryan on it.

To say that Ryan looks unhappy in most of the pictures from his birthday is an understatement. The whole thing was so far from what he would have wanted that it is astounding that Keltie made such a misstep. Something was seriously wrong with their relationship, and Keltie throwing a tone-deaf birthday party where she didn’t even invite his best friends only made things worse.

Some of Ryan’s doubts worked their way into “From a Mountain in the Middle of the Cabins”. He described how his relationship had turned cruel and meaningless, caught in destructive patterns. It also hints that Keltie may have been threatening to leave him, and that Ryan just wanted her to make a decision:

Go spin circles for me, Wound relentlessly Around the words we used to sling. Oh, such torturous things, Always chewing up the only ones I ever mean. If you're going, then go. Go, go, go.

Even so, as was the pattern in their relationship, they soldiered on. Ryan and his friends finished recording Pretty. Odd. a few months later and Keltie began having lucid nightmares that Ryan was cheating on her---and despite everything, they could not wait to spend Christmas together and be happy again. They even went on a Caribbean vacation:

“[Ryan] and I decided to take our first vacation together. We went far away to the Caribbean islands where no one could bother us. We were surrounded by sunshine, beautiful beaches and limitless fruity drinks. It was amazing to spend time with our cell phones off and without being bothered for hours. [Ryan] took his guitar down to the beach each day and we stared at the ocean, talking about our dreams and goals for the next year with the strum of a million melodies in his head, floating in the breeze.

We ate our faces off. We drank our faces off. We won something like 62,000 pesos playing blackjack while we were so drunk, we couldn’t stand up straight. At some point, we lost it all but we didn’t care. We stumbled home arm-in-arm through the dimly lit, cobblestone pathways of the resort. When [Ryan] and I were allowed to be us, without any of the pressures or distractions from the world, we were the best of everything. The best of friends. The best of crazies. The best of lovers.” (RRR, p123-124)

Keltie had begun to feel the pressures of their respective careers. She wedged herself into a position of control over Ryan’s musical career to the point where she took credit for several things to do with Pretty. Odd., including the line “Reinvent love” (apparently she is not familiar with Arthur Rimbaud), the title of "Pas de Cheval" (which references a ballet move), and the Russian stacking dolls in the music video for “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”.

In return, Ryan supported her dancing career, spent time with her friends, and bought all of her plane tickets. Keltie continued to take a strangely maternal role in his life, but both of them were too entrenched in their mutual codependency to care:

“We were a team and what was mine was his. For all the times I helped [Ryan] out, he watched me practice for an upcoming Broadway audition. He bought me flights to New York and back so I could attend a one-in-a-million chance audition. He listened to me babble incessantly about all the things I wanted to accomplish. Whenever he went away, he brought back little tokens of love---earrings from Prague, postcards from Amsterdam, a stuffed animal from Australia. He wrote love song after love song for me. Things I said or did would constantly show up in his lyrics. I was a muse for him. A mother for him. And during the times we actually slept in the same bed, a woman.” (RRR, p125-126)

Ryan had also become increasingly dependent on Keltie taking care of him, as shown in this extremely rude 2008 interview with Kerrang!:

Keltie also acknowledges this strange role she took in Ryan’s life, how she continued to infantilize her adult boyfriend:

“I was a girlfriend and a taskmaster. I kept him focused, and I sewed his clothes and managed his calendar. I made sure someone came to clean the house. I did his laundry, I paid his bills on time, and I paid my bills on time but for a completely different address. I called his family with updates and sent birthday cards when necessary. I did this because I loved him and he needed help. I did this because it was only after all these things were taken care of, that [Ryan] and I could snuggle up and just be ‘us.’” (RRR, p126)

Their relationship soon faced another trial. After over a year of Keltie accusing Ryan of not taking their relationship seriously, he asked her to move in with him and even proposed marriage, thus proving both his commitment and his New Year’s resolution to better himself. Keltie refused, but also made a series of false promises whereby she would move in with him. Every time, Ryan would do exactly as she asked, and Keltie would not follow through on her end. She simply did not take him seriously, and Ryan naively tried and tried to do what she wanted:

“[Ryan] asked me to move to Las Vegas, and I declined. He placed a ring on my finger and along with it, a million promises. We condo shopped and he bought the one I loved. We picked out wallpaper, drapes, bed sheets, art and countertops. He built me a giant, floor-to-ceiling bookcase with a ladder like in Beauty & The Beast because I said if he did, I would move in. He purchased a giant bathtub with claw feet and jets because I said if he did, I would move in. It was the running joke with our good friend and interior decorator. I could get him to buy a $5,000 bathtub, but I couldn’t get him to call me each night before he went to sleep.” (RRR, p126-127)

Then Pretty. Odd. was finally released on March 25, 2008. Ryan’s album dedication is partially addressed to Keltie, affectionately referred to as ‘Monkey’, and is startling in its self-deprecation:

Monkey for sorting me out and being amazing, beautiful and understanding of my impossible nature.

By this time, Ryan genuinely believed that he was damaged, unworthy, and unable to survive on his own. This preoccupation about being fundamentally unlovable and unstable even made its way into the chorus of “She Had the World”, sung thoughtfully in Ryan’s own soft voice.

But who could love me? I am out of my mind, Throwing a line out to sea To see if I can catch a dream.

Ryan understood on a certain level that Keltie didn’t really ‘get’ him, that “she didn’t even see [him]” because she was blinded by more important things. He also seems to have been considering breaking up with her, despite how giving and affectionate she was. If they were to break up, Ryan could only hope that his damage hadn’t transferred to her:

The sun was always in her eyes. She didn't even see me. But that girl had so much love, She'd want to kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd want to kiss you all the time. She said she'd won the world at a carnival, But I'm sure I didn't ruin her, I just made her more interesting. I’m sure I didn’t ruin her, I just made her more interesting.

Tellingly, in a promotional interview for Pretty. Odd., Ryan refers to “She Had the World” as an “un-love song”---strange wording for something clearly inspired by his girlfriend.

Regardless, they did not break up. Even so, Keltie was very critical of both the album and Ryan’s career, and saw both as disappointments. Her career was looking up, since she had been accepted back into the Rockettes, and she began to see Ryan as a has-been:

“[The Rockettes and] I played many of the same arenas I followed [Ryan] to on his last tour. We performed to a sold-out crows, in arenas his band could only half-fill.

[Ryan] came out to visit me on tour. I happened to be on crutches after sustaining nerve damage in my leg. I was out of the show for five days, and I was unsure that I would ever dance again. Seeing my body fall apart made me cling to [Ryan] even more. In a random hotel room, with an ice bag on my leg, we talked about everything---the semi-flop of his last record, the fact that magazines weren’t calling anymore and the ups and downs of the tainted entertainment business. He said to me through tears, ‘You’re the only one who really knows me and the only person who really cares about me. Everyone else is nothing.’ I knew it was true. [Ryan]’s star was falling. I loved him anyway. I loved him more, I think.” (RRR, p128)

Then, months later, Keltie’s career had another break, since she was unexpectedly approached to be on the cover of Dance Spirit magazine. As part of the spread, she was interviewed, as was Ryan, and both of them apparently impressed all of the magazine’s editors with their cuteness.

Here is part of the interview, which was released in March of 2009:

Another pillar of support in Keltie’s life is her boyfriend, Ryan Ross. (Yes, the same Ryan Ross of the band Panic at the Disco!)... Although the two don’t get to see each other often since they both tour, they enjoy similar activities in their time off. “You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her, but she’s sort of a nerd, which is what I love about her and why I think we get along so well,” Ryan says. “We both like to sit around and read or watch the Discovery Channel.”

Having a famous boyfriend has its share of challenges, though. Since she started dating Ryan, numerous blogs, message board posts and videos have bad-mouthed Keltie. Old photos of her in revealing clothes, which she wore for previous dance and modeling jobs, were posted and scrutinized. “Sometimes I laugh it off, but some of it has affected me,” Keltie says. “It hurts when people say I’m not a good dancer or I’m using Ryan. No one deserves to hear bad things about themselves.” ...

Whether it’s as a role model, dancer or girlfriend, she proves to be just as genuine the second, third and one-hundredth time you meet her as the first. “Keltie is the most giving and positive person that I have ever met,” Ryan says. “She’s made me want to be more like her in that way.”  

In February of 2009, Keltie finally decided to move in with Ryan (largely because she landed a dance contract in Las Vegas) and began making the necessary preparations. Right before the official move, they even went on a vacation together in Hawaii:

“The trip was incredible. We had the best time swimming with dolphins, watching huge turtles lay on the sandy beach, and taking our nightly walks to the hot tub. It was one of the best weeks of my life and I didn’t see a single sign of the doom on its way. [Ryan] stared at me directly in the eyes and told me how much he loved me, which seemed so heartfelt. I believed him. I believed that each year we got a little older and a little more of the growing pains of our lives together sorted themselves out. I believed we would be together forever.” (RRR, p135)

They even had a picture-perfect Valentine’s Day, filled with romance, childlike infatuation, and hope for the future:

“The night of Valentine’s Day, [Ryan] drove up from Los Angeles to spend the night with me. I moved all my stuff into his Vegas pad as I prepared to start my new job in a few days. Finally, after all our time apart, we were living together! He walked in the door with a giant flower arrangement and hugs and kisses for me. We got dressed up and he took me to a sold-out Billy Joel concert at the MGM.

We sat in the fifth row and held hands as we sung along to all the great tunes. When Billy played ‘She’s Got a Way’, [Ryan] held me close and whispered in my ear that the song was written for me. I blushed. That night on the way back to the car, we ran into one of his bandmates’ parents and talked on the street for a bit. I was amazed at the family we created through the intertwining of both of our worlds.

Worried that that we would have to stand in line for hours at valet, [Ryan] grabbed my hand and we ran giggling past all the 40-somethings at the concert, like kids in a schoolyard. We were both terrible runners and threatened to trip at any moment, but somehow we made it home that night, back into each other’s arms and back into bed. It was a perfect Valentine’s Day, one of the few we were actually able to spend together. We lay in bed that night, talking about how finally, everything worked out. We were both in the same city, working and happy with our sleeping dog between us. Perfection reached us and it was an unbelievable feeling.” (RRR, p135-136)

What happened the next morning is infamous: Keltie went through Ryan’s phone while cooking him breakfast, and found romantic messages from a young woman who appeared to be a waitress. Ryan had been cheating on Keltie, and Keltie was devastated:

“The day after Valentine’s Day, I cooked meat for the man I loved, without knowing he was seeing someone on the side, going to her house and sending late-night messages for weeks. My face flushed as I scrolled through the messages.

I honestly can’t and don’t want to remember what I saw that day, but the dates registered with me. I saw the date of my birthday two weeks before, the day I received two huge bundles of flowers while spending time with my family in Canada. He was with her on my birthday. I scrolled back farther and realized he texted her while we were on vacation in Hawaii. He sang me love songs on the beach while also thinking about some girl.

Some of the messages were about her getting off work. It seemed she was a waitress. My whole adult life I struggled to stay afloat and have an awesome career so I would never have to be a dancer/waitress and here he was, more interested in her. I was successful. I was in commercials, print advertisements, movies and music videos. None of it was enough. For him, this waitress, this random girl, was worth ruining everything.” (RRR, p137-138)

Even in the context of finding out that her boyfriend/fiance had been unfaithful, Keltie still could only conceptualize of things in relation to her career and material success.

Ryan later wrote a song about his experiences with getting caught cheating, “The Other Girl” by the Young Veins. Every line of that song is razor sharp and directed at Keltie. Ryan muses about why he could possibly want to be with another girl, and sarcastically cautions Keltie about not wasting her time worrying about him. It also includes the droning chorus of apologies that I referenced earlier.

Don’t wait around for love. You’re not what he’s thinking of When he’s with the other girl. Don’t bother waiting up, ‘cause he, He’s not where he’s supposed to be When he’s with the other girl, When he’s with the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, And I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

Don't have much to say right now, ‘Cause I'm trying to figure out Why he's with the other girl. Life is not a fairy tale. They will send him straight to jail, Where he'll die and go to hell With the other girl, With the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This song may seem harsh, but Ryan had just endured almost three years of being made to believe that he was unworthy and that he could only successfully exist under Keltie’s control. He had to seize his own freedom like a rebellious teenager, the underhandedness of which didn’t bother him because she would believe he was in the wrong no matter what. This is unhealthy and they were both better off without each other.

It is undeniably wrong that Ryan cheated on Keltie, but I personally believe that infidelity is a symptom of a broken relationship rather than the cause. And that is especially true here. Their relationship was doomed from the start, mired in codependency and stressed by the pressures of the world. Ryan was clearly not getting something he needed from Keltie, and spending one perfect Valentine’s Day together would not fix all of their problems.

The real tragedy here is that neither one of them were mature enough to realize this and break things off. It would have saved them both a great deal of time and unnecessary heartbreak if Keltie had been honest with him from the beginning.

Ryan eventually came to recognize this, and it found its way into the lyrics of “Defiance” by the Young Veins. He muses about being vulnerable to emotionally manipulative people, how Keltie pursued him despite believing that she could never truly love again, and how he came to realize that rebelling against her control was more enjoyable than being in a relationship with her:

From the outside looking in, I sure did make an easy target. It’s nice to think that you were always Wanted. ... Yet she said it was rust and lead, That love could never live again, But they found a way to make it stay.

...

And can’t we just be friends? This kind of thing always happens. I fell in love again With defiance.

Ryan realized that their relationship would have never truly worked out as long as Keltie was in love with Nick Perri. The reason that her heart had been too damaged to fall for Ryan completely is that she still wanted to be with her ex. She was emotionally cheating on Ryan from the beginning, and he could never live up to that. This is even the subject of the Young Veins’ song “Lie to the Truth”:

When I started out Writing you this song, I was heels over head in love, But you had your doubts, Because it took too long To finally see what I, What I'd been doing wrong.

I tried to love you, but You still loved him, so I'll ignore my heart and lie to the truth. I'll lie to the truth.

A love of mine once said, "The best part about you Was me," so now who Is judging who? I know I broke your heart. Mine is broken too. Now if we're even, Then why are we both blue?

I tried to be true, but You still love him, so I’ll lie in silence and Feel like a fool. I’ll lie to the truth.

I think that I have had enough, I guess that I have had enough Of you. I think that I have had enough, I know I’m tired and had enough Of you.

We tried to be true, but You still loved him, so I'll keep my distance And lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth, ‘Cause you lied to it too.

This song also draws on both how Keltie would accuse repeatedly Ryan of lying (just see how many times the word “lie” appears) and how she degraded his self-confidence to boost her own (”the best part about you was me”). In these lyrics, Ryan basically says, “My love for you was the truth. You lied to me, I tried my best anyway, and nothing was enough. What else could I do?”

After their breakup, Ryan began spending more time with his band. He even briefly moved in with Brendon and Spencer, and then went camping with Jon. His friends had officially won the battle for Ryan’s attention, but this was unfortunately not to last for long. Here are some pictures of Ryan from late February 2009, originally posted to his and Jon’s Tumblr, weresoblogging.

Keltie tried repeatedly to get back together with Ryan (Ryan similarly tried to win her back a couple times), and also sadistically wanted to see him suffer. She started a smear campaign on her blog, highkicksandhighhopes, to turn his fans against him, and made a show of tweeting about him at the least provocation.

And unfortunately, her efforts paid off. If you ever see Livejournal posts or general fan discourse from 2009, it was widely believed in the Panic fandom that Ryan was just a terrible person who was probably addicted to multiple drugs and was a serial user of women. The fans were only getting one angry, miserable side of the story, and they unfairly judged Ryan based on what little they knew. This is even probably a large component of why the Young Veins did not see much success, since Keltie had alienated many of Ryan’s fans against him and the rest became angry about Panic’s split (which seemed to confirm to them that he was ruining his life). Well, at least Keltie finally had her wish for her doe-eyed dreamer to become a lonely has-been, and she couldn’t have been happier about it.

I hope that this ridiculously long post has helped you come to your own conclusions about everything. I’ve tried to stay as objective as possible, largely because the information we do have here is incredibly biased. Even so, the fact that Keltie is making money off a tell-all book that is half about Ryan and the intimate details of their relationship is ethically questionable, and more people need to realize that. She is clearly targeting Ryan’s fan base and trying to ruin his reputation, which he quite frankly does not deserve. It also demonstrates that Keltie did not recognize her own culpability, despite the lip service that she paid to it in passing.

Anyway, Ryan recovered from the breakup and shortly began seeing another pretty blonde, who Keltie immediately hated and began passive-aggressively tweeting about.

I’m talking about Kate Marie Thompson. Stay tuned for Ryan’s infamous pink suit!

CONTINUED IN PART 4

And here are all of the posts in this series!