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hairstevington · 9 months

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songs that voices never share

Deaf!Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson

Summary: Everything's felt a little off since the Fourth of July, and no one's talking about it. Of course, one part of Steve's summer is a bit hard to ignore - he's losing his hearing. As luck would have it, a friend of Dustin's ends up playing a key role in Steve's adjustment to his new normal.

WC: 4K

Warnings: Deaf!Steve, use of ASL, angst/references to events of season 1-3, this fic will disregard the events of season 4 because I said so, canon universe, hurt/comfort, angst, platonic Stobin forever, Steve and Will are buds, some sad stuff but overall it's a love story like come on it's me we're talking about

A/N: Hello! Everyone loved my drabble about Deaf Steve so I'm expanding it into a full fic. The plan is 7 chapters, and I'll probably post them all both here and on Ao3. Please note that ASL is written in all capitals when notated in English, and the grammar is a bit different.

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Chapter 1 - I'll take a quiet life

Steve was kind of prone to getting beat up. God knows Dustin never let him forget it.

After the fight with Jonathan, he felt more or less the same. Then, Billy beat the shit out of him, and Steve started getting migraines and hearing a ringing in his ears every so often.

But after being tortured by the Russians for a couple hours? That’s when the real damage was done.

Everything felt a little off since the Fourth of July, but no one talked about it. Even though so much had changed, Steve and the rest of the group all tried to get back to any normalcy they could find. Steve and Robin got a job together at Family Video and ultimately ignored everything they'd experienced together. It just felt like it was too big to talk about, so they didn't. They pretended like it didn't happen honestly - which might have been more successful had it not been for one fairly major thing.

The ringing became almost constant. Steve’s hearing was piss poor some days and kind of okay other days, but eventually the bad days were more frequent than the good. Steve knew he got beat up a lot, and he figured there were probably some consequences, but he never had time to think about it. Then, when he had trouble hearing one day, he figured he was just swollen and needed time to heal. And then he blamed it on allergies. And then he felt stupid for not taking it seriously, so he ignored it. And then, when he finally went to the doctor, he realized the full extent of it all.

They called it a perfect storm of injuries. At least, that’s what he thought they said. Apparently he’d had too much trauma to the area and not enough medical attention after multiple concussions and ruptured eardrums. He also apparently broke some of the bones in his ears??? They told him a lot of things that he couldn’t quite understand.

He wasn’t stupid. He just couldn’t hear so well anymore.

Steve had never been the smartest person in the first place. He wasn’t great at school, especially with English or history, and he never cared that much about it either. He breezed his way through high school and focused on sports and popularity.

So, when Steve couldn’t keep up in conversations with his friends, they didn’t really think anything was out of the ordinary. Classic Steve, always a few sentences behind.

He got away with it for much longer than he had any right to. Robin was the first to notice.

They worked together at Family Video most days that summer, and it was a good job because anyone could do it, really. They were never really that busy, so a lot of the time was just Steve and Robin getting paid to hang out.

A lot of times, Robin rambled at him about movies or music or how hot Molly Ringwald was, and he could just nod and smile and occasionally say something like, “yeah, totally,” and she would be none the wiser. If they were looking at each other, he could kind of tell what she was saying based on her lips, but only because he knew her well enough to do so. He couldn’t really understand anyone else, except maybe Dustin sometimes. Then again, Dustin used a lot of tech speak that went over Steve’s head even before his hearing deteriorated.

Steve was putting tapes back in the proper places, oblivious to Robin calling for him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when she tapped him on the shoulder.

“Shit! Hi!” he exclaimed, realizing he must have missed something again. “Sorry, I’m kind of out of it.”

Ah, his go-to excuse. It worked every time.

“Bullshit, Harrington,” she replied. Before Steve could defend himself, she continued. “You can’t hear very well anymore, can you?”

Huh. Okay, it worked every time, until now. Steve nodded, realizing he had no reason to hide it from Robin anymore.

“How’d you know?” he wondered. Usually, Robin paced back and forth and avoided eye contact during her rambles, but this time she stayed put and faced him head on.

“Steve,” she began. “You’ve always been a little oblivious, but recently it’s like you’re never listening to me at all. Plus, I’ve been throwing random things into conversation to see if you notice. Hey, Steve, just figured out that hamsters aren’t real. Dingus, I just got a tattoo of your face on my face. You know, things like that. You’ve never said anything about it, so at first I thought you were just stressed or depressed or - wait, shit. You can’t hear. Maybe I should write this down.” She went to search for a pen and paper, but he grabbed her arm to stop her.

“I think I got the gist,” he responded. Thankfully this was one of his better days, otherwise he never would have been able to follow. “Wait, hamsters are real though, right?” Robin’s face fell as she genuinely pondered whether Steve was being serious. “I’m kidding. Yes I know what you’re saying.”

“Okay, cool,” she replied, relieved. “Anyway, once I realized nothing was wrong with your psyche, I started doing other tests. But sometimes I’d stomp my feet and you’d react, so I worried I was making it all up. One time I snapped right by your ear, but then I accidentally flicked you on the temple.”

Steve remembered that. She said it was a bug.

He could hear some frequencies, and it also depended on the day and the season. It was best in quiet spaces where he only had to talk to one person. That’s how he got by so well at work, because it was a relatively quiet place.

Well, except for Robin and her constant rambling.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. Steve shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I didn’t wanna admit it, I guess, but I think it’s just gonna get worse.” The prospect of losing his hearing entirely and permanently was on the table, especially if he was to get punched again or something. Considering his group of friends and their history of getting into trouble, that didn’t seem unlikely. Robin put a caring hand on his shoulder and gave a comforting smile.

“Well, I talk too much for you to not understand me, so this means we’re both gonna have to learn sign language.”

“What?” Steve winced at the idea. “No way. I took three years of Spanish and I only know how to ask where the bathroom is.”

(He actually forgot how to say that, too.)

“Yeah, but maybe sign language will be different. I mean, it’s visual, right?” Robin put her elbows on the counter and continued. “Come on, you know I love languages, and I’m soooo booooored.” As she spoke, her body slowly sank onto the counter until she was face down.

Steve chuckled. He wasn’t surprised that she was the first to figure it all out, and her reaction was incredibly on brand.

“Yeah, okay,” he said. “Let’s give it a shot.”

Steve picked up the alphabet pretty quickly. He already knew most of it from Sunday School as a kid. Then, for about a week or so, Robin drilled him by practicing different signs during their shifts together. There were only a few weeks of summer vacation left before Robin went back to school for her senior year.

Steve was grateful he’d already graduated by the time his hearing got worse. He would never have had the courage to ask for accommodations. Although, Robin probably would have bugged him into asking for it anyway.

Whatever, He didn’t need to think about that.

MOVIE, Robin signed to Steve during a standard shift at Family Video.

“Uhhhhh…cheese?” Steve guessed. Robin shook her head.

“No, but close!” she countered. Steve groaned.

“How is it close, Robin? How?” he complained. She laughed, then showed him the sign for CHEESE versus MOVIE. They were honestly not that different. “Oh. Okay, yeah.”

W-O-R-K, she fingerspelled next. Steve’s eyes lit up.

“I know this one!!!” he exclaimed, hitting one of his fists on top of the other to sign WORK.

“Yes!” Robin cheered. She quickly corrected herself and signed YES. Steve smiled. CANDY TIME.

When Steve got a sign right, she’d throw an M&M his way so he could catch it in his mouth. It was something they’d started doing together at Scoops Ahoy with various toppings.

M&M’s were much less messy.

Sure, the study and reward method was a bit juvenile, but it worked. Steve practiced, and he learned some basic signs. THANK YOU. PLEASE. SORRY. I KNOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. WHAT? AGAIN. He also learned random ones. BIRD. BASKETBALL. VAMPIRE. SODA.

And then, of course, the two of them learned the other essentials - words that they usually just had shared glances for.

HOT, for when an attractive customer came in. COMPLAIN, for when an annoying customer came in. FINISH, when their shift was over.

It worked. They started signing to each other instead of talking whenever possible. Robin let him have all the tasks he could do in the back room or by himself, and she handled a lot of the customers to cover for him. The pressure and stress Steve had been feeling started to melt away, and his headaches got better since he didn't have to focus so much all the time.

His parents knew about his condition, but they never talked much in the first place, so nothing really changed at home. He’d go to work and make do, and then he’d go home, and everything was alright.

About a week of study sessions later, Robin had an idea.

YOUR FRIENDS, she began. Steve stared at her and waited for her to elaborate. She took a deep breath. TELL-THEM YOU CAN.

Steve continued to stare at her quizzically. She was learning all the grammar and shit, and he was still on vocabulary.

MY FRIENDS…YES? He guessed, trying to mimic the one sign he couldn’t remember the meaning to. She shook her head.

C-A-N, she clarified. Steve thought about it. YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU, she continued, slower this time. SHOULD KNOW.

Steve sighed. He’d been avoiding Dustin a lot more these last few weeks, because he knew the smartass would figure him out in seconds.

Steve sighed, knowing Robin was right.

O-K, he agreed.

Dustin took it well. He had a lot of questions, but most of them Steve didn’t know the answers to. He quickly decided he would also learn some signs to support Steve. The support made Steve feel so relieved, he told all of his other friends. Well, he told the kids. Max. El. Will. Mike. Lucas. El and Will were planning on moving to California pretty soon with Jonathan and Joyce, so El decided it would be good for her to practice writing letters to Steve, since she’d be doing long distance with Mike and all. Lucas and Mike also made an attempt at learning signs, but they were even shittier at it than Steve was - which honestly made Steve feel even better. They treated it like a secret code they all were learning - kind of like the weird phrases they insisted on saying whenever they used the walkie talkies.

It was all very cute.

Since Steve wasn’t in school, he ended up practicing sign language during most of his free time. It felt good to be doing something for himself. It made him feel smart, and he didn’t feel smart that often. Robin also picked it up pretty fast, which was to be expected.

But then, all of a sudden, school was starting again, and everyone was busy. Steve continued to work and study ASL, but he didn’t have as many shifts with Robin. He would drive the kids to school and to their clubs and stuff, but it was impossible to communicate with a bunch of kids in the car. He went on dates, but the talking part of it all didn’t really work out. He wasn’t connecting with anybody, and he couldn’t understand them half the time. Plus, most of his date spots required loud noises - movies, sports games, etc. He’d go out with women, and he’d have a decent albeit exhausting time trying to keep up, and then sometimes they’d have sex, but if he was being honest - he wasn’t even really enjoying sex as much anymore.

Crazy, right? He couldn’t believe it either.

He was isolated, but getting by. He kept spending down-time at work watching videos about sign language that he’d borrowed from the library, and everywhere he went he tried to think of the sign for what he saw. TREE. CAR. LIGHT. RESTAURANT. BICYCLE. HOUSE. BOOK. STORE.

Eventually, it all started coming together.

It was October - Halloween season. Considering what had happened last Halloween, Steve wasn’t too thrilled about it. Neither were some of the kids, primarily Will and El. Times had been tough for El especially after losing Hopper, and Steve knew that. It seemed like she had a decent support system though. Jonathan’s mom had taken her in, and she was dating Mike as well. She’d be okay, Steve hoped.

Then came the big moving day for the Byers and El. Steve had to admit he was a bit jealous. He’d wanted to get out of Hawkins forever, but now he had Dustin and Robin tying him there.

Jonathan got to escape this town and he was dating Nancy? Such bullshit.

Not that Steve was pining over Nancy anymore. He’d always love her, in a way, but he’d moved on. They didn’t work together, and that was that. Over and out, as the kids would say on their stupid walkie talkies.

Anyway, El may have been alright, but Steve had his doubts about Will. He didn’t really know how to broach the subject, but he noticed that when he picked the kids up, Will was usually pretty quiet.

An outsider, kind of like Steve.

So, when moving day arrived, Steve offered to help. He knew that Nancy and Jonathan would be there and their farewells would be a whole thing he had no interest in being around for, but he was pretty strong and he could carry boxes and help the kids, at least.

But when he showed up, he saw Will in the backyard by himself. Steve gave a small wave, then slowly approached the kid and sat down beside him.

WHAT’S-UP, Steve signed. It was one of the signs he taught all the kids. Will shrugged. Steve watched Will intently as he waited for his response.

“I don’t want to move,” Will said. “I like my house. And my friends.” Will caught himself, realizing he knew an applicable sign, then added FRIENDS. Steve smiled.

UNDERSTAND, he replied. That was another sign he taught the kids. “This sucks.”

“How do you sign that?” Will asked. “That it sucks.”

Steve knew that one, obviously. He knew a lot of signs now, but that was one he used a lot. He brought the tip of his pointer finger to his chin and frowned. Will repeated the action, then raised his eyebrows. Steve nodded in approval. Will’s hands dropped back into his lap, and the forlorn look on his face came back.

“I guess I just -” Will began, averting his eyes from Steve and staring in the distance. “They’re gonna forget about me here. They’re already -” He sighed. “It feels like I’m being left behind, even though I’m the one leaving.” Steve nodded gently, understanding the feeling all too well.

Will was the member of the party Steve had interacted with the least, probably because the other kids were a bit - uhhh - louder. Dustin and Steve were like brothers, Lucas and Steve could talk about basketball, El and Max were by no means close with Steve but he still felt like a surrogate older brother to them, and Mike was -

Okay, Mike and Steve didn’t really get along. That was to be expected, considering everything. They weren’t mean to each other or anything, they were just awkward and mildly annoyed with each other most of the time.

Will was different. Steve had been filled in on what happened to Will through Dustin, and it was - well, yeah. Will had it rough. And no one ever really talked about it. It was like, Will went through this whole traumatic thing, but he was back to “normal” now, so everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine, and he was getting sick and tired of pretending it was.

Whoops. Okay. Maybe Steve was connecting with Will more than he anticipated he would.

That was probably where a lot of the disconnect came from with everyone in Steve’s life except for Robin. The two of them had been tortured together for hours underground. Steve got the brunt of it. And they were drugged and threatened and nearly killed dozens of times. But they escaped and got out and then they were fighting a giant monster and fireworks were going off and then people died and there was no space for Steve to talk about what had happened to him.

He probably needed a therapist, but if he saw a shrink his dad would never let him hear the end of it. Besides, how could he explain any of his trauma to them? He couldn’t talk about it with anyone except his close group of friends, and he didn’t want to burden them with it, so he just…didn’t talk about it.

Steve wanted to say so many things to Will, but he also felt like he had no right to give any advice on friends or happiness. Steve had left the majority of his friends behind, willingly, and he didn’t regret it, but he also was sad about it. He missed it in some weird, fucked up way he couldn’t explain. Especially Tommy. God, all they did was argue and get in each other’s faces, but they knew each other better than anyone else. The best and the worst of it - mostly the worst, though.

“Well, I won’t forget you,” Steve said, hoping the reassurance would provide some kind of comfort.

“You don’t know me,” Will replied. “And don’t you hate my brother?”

Oof. Valid argument, but still. Steve’s thoughts on Jonathan were…complicated, to say the least.

“I don’t hate him,” Steve responded. “And your brother isn’t you.”

When Steve spoke, he tried to translate it in his head. It had become a habit. HATE DON’T. YOU, YOUR BROTHER, NOT-SAME.

He was getting pretty good at the sign language thing.

“I’m probably just going to sit out here and be sad,” Will said with a shrug.

“Okay,” Steve replied. “Is it okay if I sit here and be sad too?”

Will turned to Steve, confused at first, but then his face relaxed into something different. He nodded.

Everyone inside seemed to be doing just fine without them, anyway.

The Byers (and El) moved to California. Lucas, Dustin, and Mike joined Hellfire club, which they were really excited about. The first few times Dustin had told Steve about it, the dipshit was so excited Steve only got like half of what he was being told. For example, he thought the boys were getting ready to drink champagne for the first time or something, which was weird, but whatever. Kids are weird. And then later he realized they were preparing for a campaign.

They had shirts. Steve recognized the shirts. Then, it all made sense.

He’d heard of Hellfire before. They were kind of hard to miss. They were the exact opposite of cool, even though Dustin seemed to think that wasn’t the case. An underground sort of cool, he’d explained.

Yeah. Sure, buddy.

Steve knew from his years at Hawkins High that those guys were not treated with any sort of respect. The only popularity they had was the negative kind. People knew who they were, and they stayed away. They were weird.

At the same time, Steve wasn’t surprised the boys had joined. It was a Dungeons and Dragons club, after all - Of course, Steve didn’t actually make that connection until Dustin had made him aware. He wasn’t sure what he thought Hellfire did back when he was in school, but it certainly wasn’t a nerdy roleplaying game. They gave off a different vibe. Like, a chaotic anarchist kind of vibe. Most of Steve’s perception came from the guy who led it - Eddie Munson, the school freak. That’s what they called him. Steve and Eddie had never really interacted, because why would they have? They were both seniors when Steve graduated, but Eddie was a year older. And he still hadn’t graduated.

Tough deal.

Anyway, Dustin was obsessed with Eddie. He worshiped the guy, basically. And Steve couldn’t help but be a little jealous - not that he’d ever admit that, of course. But Dustin was around Eddie more often, and they could talk about things they enjoyed freely and without having to stop every ten seconds to repeat themselves.

So, yeah. Steve was bitter about it.

He usually picked the kids up from Hellfire after school, because the “champagnes” (no, they never let Steve live that one down) sometimes went pretty late. Plus, Steve was the wheels in most circumstances - he drove Robin to school every morning, too.

He was probably at Hawkins High more often than he had been when he attended the damn school.

Anyway, one night in particular, Steve waited outside the drama club room for Lucas, Mike, and Dustin to walk out and hop in the car like they always did, but they were running late.

Again. Oh, joy.

Steve parked the car and headed inside, only to find everything packed up (thankfully), but everyone was still absorbed in conversation.

Steve couldn’t follow. They were all talking over each other and about things that he didn’t really understand well in the first place. Plus, there was music playing in the background, which muddied everything else in his brain. So, he waited and watched them interact. And then everyone was looking at him, and he didn’t know why.

“What?” Steve asked, totally lost. He turned to the boys, who all tried to explain what Steve had missed in their own way. Steve caught them flashing a few signs his way. JOKE. IGNORE. HE DON’T-KNOW.

Ehh, Steve kind of pieced it together. Eddie probably made some sort of comment about how awkward Steve was being without knowing why. It was probably for the best that Steve didn’t hear it. Instead, he turned to Eddie so he could share what was going on.

But then, Eddie signed to him.

YOU DEAF?

Steve’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He nodded. YOU SIGN?!

MOM DEAF, Eddie explained. Before Steve had the chance to ask a follow-up question, Eddie answered one of them. MOM DEAD NOW. Eddie turned away to face the boys, then pivoted back to Steve. BEFORE, COULD HEAR. RIGHT? HAPPEN WHEN?

Eddie’s signing skills seemed almost natural. Clearly he’d been doing it for ages. Steve nodded.

NEW, he explained. He was blanking on the sign for “recent” due to the fact that he was so stunned. MY SIGNING… Oh, God. Steve couldn’t remember how to say anything. He wanted to say that he was still learning, so he wasn’t that good. Instead, he did the universal hand gesture for “iffy,” which worked well enough. The boys and the other club members all watched this interaction in awe as Eddie processed this with a small nod.

O-K, Eddie replied.

And that was it. Eddie went back to talking to the boys, and presumably dismissed them as they all scattered away to collect their bags. Eddie wasn’t even looking at Steve.

That was kind of a bummer.

Up until then, Steve hadn’t met anyone else who signed (except for Robin), so this was kind of huge. At the same time, it was Eddie. Like, Steve had come a long way from his King Steve days, but the dude was a loose cannon. He was always drawing attention to himself and jumping on tables and shit. They had nothing in common, originally, but now they had two gigantic things in common - Dustin and sign language.

Steve took the kids home as he usually did, but he didn’t even attempt to focus on what they were saying. Besides, he was still thinking about, well, everything.

A part of him was annoyed, because of course the other older brother figure for Dustin was cool enough to know sign language. Of course. The other part of him was over the moon. He had someone to talk to and practice with. Although, that was only if Eddie was interested, which he very well might not have been. Plus, it was also kind of against the rules of the school. The jock and the freak spending time together? It just didn’t happen.

Then again, Steve wasn’t going to Hawkins High anymore. He could make his own rules.

He couldn’t wait to tell Robin about all of this. She was going to lose her damn mind.

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Check out my Masterlist!

@paintballkid711 @abraca-fxckyou @allbimyself26 @jellybabiesforall @allbymyselfexceptformycactus @justaloadofgarbage-blog @alliemunsonsstuff @undreamingnscatworld @hobbitnarwhal @calivanus @wreckmyplans-thatsmyman @antheia @goodolefashionedloverboi @lillemilly @missmagillicuddy @gamerdano @menamesniall @eyeslikewildflowers111 @callmesirkay @stringischeese @eds-trashmouth @mnl-enuh @redfreckledwolf @itsanarrum @soulsofstarsliveinyourveins @stevesbipanic @momotonescreaming @aryakanojiaa @wrenisflying @comicmadlover @lilacrobin @itch-my-b0nez @anonymousbandgirl @disastardly @dangdirtydemons @daisyellsong @val-from-lawrence @starryeyedpoet17 @taikawaiteatea @clumsiluni @hollysimone @swimmingbirdrunningrock @witchofhawkins @steddiegarbage @suddenlyinlove @ricekristytreaty @eddielives1986 @bunnyweasley23 @thefailcollection @ppunkpuppyy @bestwifehaver @httpsphynx @skjachukson @deadfromtheneckdown

#eddie munson #steve harrington #steddie #stranger things #robin buckley #writing #steddie fic #songs that voices never share #st fic #eddie munson x steve harrington #deaf steve harrington

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scimitar-and-longsword · 1 month

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20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by @cactusdragon517 almost a month ago lol, I'm slow to get these done.

How many works do you have on ao3? 21

What's your total ao3 word count? 202,835

What fandoms do you write for? Currently? Call of Duty and I'm still hanging around the TOG fandom. But I've hardly posted anything in years lol. Someday when my toddler is a little older I'll get back into posting more.

Top five fics by kudos:

Share Your Address - Fencer!Joe/TA!Nicky College AU - Insta-love. So much texting. Everybody wants to punch Keane.

It Feels Like Flying - Joe/Pilot!Nicky AU - This is porn. Enjoy.

Brothers Fight - Joe & Booker working through their issues post movie.

Everything I Did to Get to You - Sequel to Share Your Address (my top fic by Kudos) - AU - A few years later Joe and Nicky spend the holidays with friends and family.

Collapsing Walls - Book of Nile!!!!! - Established Booker/Nile - Booker and Nile get caught in a building while trying to assist during an earthquake.

Do you respond to comments? Yes!! I try to respond to all comments for at least a few days after I post something.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't write a lot of angsty ENDINGS. I'll Never Love Another (Prince!Joe/Knight!Nicky) has a fuck ton of angst in it, and I know some people thought the ending was bitter sweet bordering on sad.... but idk (spoilers?) no one died and they're together sooooo that's a happy ending in my book lol.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Gees, idk lol Share Your Address?? It's so sweet you'll get cavities.

Do you get hate on fics? I never have. *knock on wood*

Do you write smut? Hardly ever. I mean I HAVE, and actually the most recent thing I posted was like straight up porn lol. But mostly if there is sex it is only hinted at/fade to black. Or buried in a 60k fic so you have to work for it!

Craziest crossover: Probably Book of Nile + Princess Bride (it's a WIP that I haven't touched in like 3 years *sweats nervously* I swear I will finish all my WIPs EVENTUALLY)

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of???

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes!! A one shot I did was translated onto a Japanese website that I forget the name of lol. I've also had a podfic made of one of my one shots if that counts.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Ashley and I tried at one point lol it was a modern AU DinLuke fic.... it kind of fizzled out eventually. @ashleyrguillory we should look at that again someday lol

All time favorite ship? Obligatory "Just one??!!" ok but idk Charlie/Claire (LOST), Korra/Asami (Legend of Korra) and Derek/Stiles (Teen Wolf) are the most important to me??? I read the most fic for Ghost/Soap, [redacted controversial ship that you could not pay me to reveal #1], and [redacted controversial ship that you could not pay me to reveal #2] lol

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I refuse to give up on any of my WIPS!!! I have 4, and all of them are planned/outlined to the end... I even have multiple completed chapters for two of them. I'm not a quitter... I do take my time though lol

What are your writing strengths? Oh gees... idk someone else who has read my stuff needs to tell me this... I think I've gotten a lot of comments complimenting me on keeping characters true to canon?? idk guys! someone else answer this!

What are your writing weaknesses? I really struggle with action and sex scenes. Where are they? I, the person writing this fic, certainly don't know. (come to think of it this might be part of the reason that I don't write a lot of smut)

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Whatever floats the author's boat.

But I personally have done it a few ways. My favorite to both write and read is just to write what they say and then identify what language is being used if the POV character can understand the language. something like: "Oh no," he shouted in Italian.

OR if the POV character doesn't understand the language I would write something like: Nicky shouted something in what Joe thought was Italian. OR Nicky said something in a language Joe couldn't quite place.

First fandom you wrote in? Supernatural lol

Favorite fic you've written? One????? You're getting 2!

I'll Never Love Another - Prince!Joe/Knight!Nicky AU - SO MUCH LETTER WRITING - This was my Big Bang in 2021, and I love the FUCK out of it. It's my favorite fic I've ever written and I reread it kind of often because of how much I enjoy it lol

Impelled by the Persuasion of Love - Canon verse Joe/Nicky and Andy/Quynh - Takes place in France during the 100 years war. I have an obsession with courtly love/chivalry and figured I should shove it onto our favorite immortals <3 - I wrote this for a TOG zine that came out in early 2021

=== Truly, IDK if I've got 20 people to tag but I'll give it a go!!

@innerslumber, @alloutofgoddesses, @ashleyrguillory, @stevethehairington, @sindirimba, @disregardandfelicity and anybody else who wants to do this, consider this your tag!!!

#tag games #my stuff #my fics #lolo writes #If you take one thing away from this it's that you should read I'll Never Love Another #you know.... if you feel like it....

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 7 months

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Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 3

If you haven't read chapter 27 of Destiny & Deliverance, do so before continuing with this post to avoid spoilers. 😉

Now that we finally have Dieter's official diagnosis, I thought it might be a good topic to cover for Part 3 of Deconstructing Dieter Bravo so we can dig into things a little deeper. Let's learn a little bit more about bipolar disorder and the types of symptoms he was experiencing from it. This gets a little long and it is a very high-level overview, but it is interesting stuff.

Most individuals are diagnosed with bipolar disorder in their teens to 20's, but it can occur at any time. Having a family member who has been diagnosed does raise chances of having the disorder by 10%. Experiencing a traumatic event and abusing drugs and alcohol also increase chances for a positive diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder has several classifications which include bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymic disorder, and drug induced bipolar. The symptoms in each of these classifications typically result in unpredictable mood and behavior changes that can have a major impact on daily life.

The difference in the classifications mostly has to do with the type of symptoms, how severe they are, and how often episodes occur. Since Dieter was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, we will focus on the details for that type.

To be diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, the patient will have had at least one manic episode. This episode would either need to follow or precede a major depressive or hypomanic episode. A hypomanic episode has the same symptoms as a manic episode, only less severe.

Symptoms of mania and hypomania include an abnormally upbeat attitude, jumpy or wired behavior, an increase in energy, activity, and/or agitation, exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria), insomnia, unusual talkativeness, easily distracted, racing thoughts, and/or poor decision-making skills. The patient must have experienced at least three of these symptoms for diagnosis.

Major depressive episodes include a depressed mood (feeling sad, empty, hopeless, tearful, irritable, worthless, excessive or inappropriate guilt, etc.), loss of interest in most activities, weight loss/gain, a decrease/increase of appetite, forgetfulness, insomnia or sleeping too much, restlessness or slowed behavior, fatigue, inability to concentrate, indecisiveness, and/or suicidal ideation. The patient must have experienced at least five of these symptoms for it to be classified as a depressive episode.

In some cases, the patient could also experience distress driven by extreme anxiety or a reality break (psychosis).

Many people with bipolar disorder do not recognize their behavior is an issue or see how it disrupts their day-to-day activities. They may even enjoy the high feeling of manic episodes if it increases their productivity and/or creativity. It is the eventual crash that follows these manic episodes when they start to see problems of feeling depressed and fatigued. This behavior can often create issues with working and familial relationships, which can compound the symptoms.

Given all this information, I think it is safe to say that our poor Dieter had the odds stacked against him. We can see that he was experiencing many of these symptoms, though less severe, from the very beginning of the story and most likely had been for a while. As discussed in Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 2, being improperly medicated was most likely the catalyst that took things over the edge for him.

The use of antidepressants (especially those in the SSRI, SNRI, and tricyclics categories) in patients who have a genetic predisposition for the illness and whose symptoms began in adolescence into early adulthood have an increased risk of having what is called treatment-emergent affective switch (TEAS). This is when the use of antidepressants triggers manic or depressive episodes within eight weeks of starting the medication. Some of these medications have higher risks or worse effects than others. It is believed that these types of drugs trigger episodes because they affect the central dopamine and serotonin systems in the brain, causing an imbalance. In Dieter's case, he had all the risk factors for this to happen.

So, what steps does Dieter need to take to keep his shit together? Obviously, his medication needed to be sorted out and it has been. For him, that was the biggest hurdle. Patients who suffer from this disorder will often need a mood stabilizer, antipsychotics, and/or alternative antidepressants to manage their moods and it can take a lot of trial an error to get all of that figured out. This disorder will require long-term treatment to manage the severity and symptoms and constant monitoring to ensure medications continue to work effectively and are not causing any side effects mentally or physically.

Psychotherapy is also an important component to treatment so the patient and family members can learn about warning signs, coping skills for dealing with triggers (lack of sleep, high stress levels, drug use, significant life changes, loss, trauma, family history, etc), and improving communication.

In addition, it is important to have a consistent sleep schedule, eat a healthy diet, exercise (to boost mood), know what supplements are safe (ex. St. John's Wort and Omega-3's have been known to induce mania), keep a mood journal (to monitor triggers, changes in eating and sleep patterns, etc), avoid alcohol and drugs, minimize stress, and maintain healthy relationships for support. It is also imperative to keep an open line of communication with doctors and take medications as prescribed.

Obviously, Dieter (and Talia for that matter) has some major changes ahead. He took his treatment seriously and is going to work hard to meet all these requirements for himself and his family. The whole experience has changed his outlook on life and really influences his priorities and goals going forward. There are some big changes to come and lots of happiness to be had for everyone involved.

Thank you all for continuing to follow along on Dieter's journey! We are almost to his happy ending!😉

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

Resources:

US Mental Health Resources International Mental Health Helplines

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @wannab-urs @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @missladym1981 @maried01 @alokaerza @samiamproductions @misstokyo7love @themonadiaries-blog @madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @avastrasposts @weho2kcmo @harriedandharassed @tkchaos @girlofchaos @yghuibt @musings-of-a-rose @annieispunk @sarcasm-theotherwhitemeat

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #dieter bravo fanfiction #dieter bravo x ofc #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #destiny & deliverance series #deconstructing dieter bravo series #the bubble #mental health awareness #mental health

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imbadatwrighting · 1 year

Note

Hi I'm wondering if you can do headcanons of the Yu-Gi-Oh boys reacting with having an s/o with ADHD?

(First request that I’ve had and I’m in love w/ this idea <3 I don’t have adhd (even though my mom is positive that I do) but I tried my best to make it accurate!

Yu-Gi-Oh boys w/ a S/o that has ADHD

Yugi Muto

He is the definition of the best boyfriend

Doesn’t matter what’s going on; verbally and physically he’s there for you

You forget a lot? Don’t worry he remembered. Oh you have trouble sleeping and have a lot of stuff on your mind? Tell him, he wanted to stay up to do some stuff anyways. You have trouble concentrating and get sudden mood changes? It’s ok talk to him about it, he’ll understand

He understands that he’s not your parent and that he’s your partner so he will never lecture you about doing something wrong or just do everything by himself

I can’t stress this enough but communication is so big with him

He wants to know how your feeling and wants you to know the same

There have been a couple times where he asks advice from Yami however he soon realized that Yami doesn’t understand ADHD at all so he mostly relies of google now

If your in public and start talking a lot because of nerves of are just nervous then he’ll subtly reach to grab your hand

However if your not a fan of physical touch then he’ll give you looks of reassurance and whisper word of affection into your ear

The best boyfriend award immediately goes to him

Yami Yugi

This poor boy oh my lord-

I’m just going to say it, he has no idea what to do

I mean in his defense he was trapped inside of a puzzle and before that he was living in Egypt as the Pharaoh before being weird or an outcast was ok

Its like teaching someone from the 1600s that just because someone is a women doesn’t mean that they are a witch y’know?

He tries his best but sometimes trying isn’t good enough I mean he’s still trying to figure out how to use a phone

He does have his moments though

While he doesn’t understand how to communicate that well, he will always be there for you physically

Your having a tough day? So is he, you wanna cuddle while watching a cute tv show, I mean he’s down if you’re down

If you don’t want to cuddle being in the same room close to him is enough to make him happy

He will always listen to you. Doesn’t matter if it’s 1 am and you woke him up to tell him you had a dream about a talking jalapeño or being accepted into your dream college either way he’ll listen

He might not talk to you about it, but he notices everything that you do; the figeting, mumbling, playing with your hair, everything he notices

He remembers a lot so likely if you forgot something just ask him and he’ll tell you

He is awesome with time; just by looking at the sun he can tell what time it is which also means he always reminds you at the same time everyday to take your medication

He always tries to be subtle with this because he doesn’t want you to think that he’s trying to take control of you life

At any point if you think he’s to much you can just tell him and he’ll try to back off

Joey Wheeler

I fully believe this man has ADHD too-

We got two peas in a pot over here oh my lordy

Both of you literally forget everything; it not even funny how sad it is… jk it is

You’ll tell the other one to remember something then two seconds later they’ll forget

I mean it has ups and downs

On one hand he understands what your going through (even though he won’t admit to having ADHD) so if your up then chances are that he is up to

Not just to help you but instead his mind is really active and is just not tired

Like I said though, you both forget literally everything which gets really annoying at times and can start minor arguments but eventually you get through it together

You guys are an overreacting duo

You both get the other one fired up to add more fuel to the fire which far away is pretty funny… and close up too

You both suck at social cues yet one of you don’t realize it *cough* Joey *cough*

Joey definitely does random noises when the air feels awkward… making it more awkward

You to understand each other perfectly allowing no words to be said and yet you already know what your partner is thinking and the other way around

Duke Devlin

Imma be honest… I forgot a lot of stuff about him.. but I mean I remover he likes a dice game and was popular or something

He first saw you on his first day of school with you sitting in a desk crisscross while your other friends were standing in front of you

Live at first sight… for one of you

While he fell immediately, it took you a while to just get minor feelings for him

He would always love to hear you ramble on about your day (even though he was there for most of it) while walking you home

You guys live pretty close which he only noticed when he was stalking behind you one day—

That also means he was able to push himself into things that he wouldn’t have been able to had he live far away

He told your parents he was an adult so he could babysit you when they went on a week long trip

As soon as they left the house he was slapped on the back of his head and lectured from you and was told to go back home which he did, but he came back the next day

So you can only expect your parents reactions when they found out that you and him just started dating

You both were in trouble

It somehow got worse when you told them he was actually a month younger than you—

Duke didn’t know that you even had ADHD until 2 month after you guys started dating when you just randomly brought it into the conversation

Bro was baffled

“If I had the choice to choose between dying or just still having ADHD I would chose dying.”

“You have ADHD??”

“Uh… yes? Did you seriously not know this??

“You never once mentioned it…”

“I’ve mentioned it atleast 10 times, Duke.”

“So didn’t.”

“So did.”

Yeah that caused some squabbling between you two

Once he found out he made sure not to treat you any different knowing it would piss you off and he would probably get annoyed with himself too

Seto Kaiba

This man has no empathy—

You forgot something? Sounds like a you problem. You’re feeling really burnt out? Well that’s too bad.

Don’t worry tho you atleast got Mokuba

Mokuba is the sweetest boy alive

He will get you anything you want in the whole world because he admires you almost if not more than Seto

Seto acts like he doesn’t care but really he does

He already knew a lot about people having ADHD but when you and him started dating he did some more just to be on the safe side

He’ll give you quick words of encouragement sometimes like saying things like “Good job” or “You did better than I expected.”

Even though he says that if you forget then it’s your problem, he remembers everything for you

Sure he’ll scold you but then just sigh and tell you what you forgot

If your angry then he’ll just let you be unless someone else is causing that rage then he’ll kick them out and act like nothing happened

Alone when he has time he’s pretty sweet and MIGHT cuddle you if you wanted

He makes sure not to treat you any differently just because you have ADHD

Why would he?

He’s really subtle about his affection; he doesn’t want anyone to know how you can make him weak in the knees

If you need medication but don’t have the money he’ll gladly pay it for you no matter how much you fight against it

Overall he’s a sweet boyfriend (but not as sweet as Mokuba)

#yami yugi x reader #yugioh x reader #yugi muto x reader #adhd reader #x reader #I just realized that I made it sound like you’re also dating Mokuba but your not and it’s more of sister brother y’know #joey wheeler #joey wheeler x reader #duke devlin x reader #yugioh #seto kaiba #seto kaiba x reader #yami yugi #yugi mutou

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rory-butnot-gilmore · 1 year

Text

Mundane Moments

Joel forgets to cancel his second date with you when Sarah gets sick, you show up at the house thinking you’re still going , and instead get to meet his daughter for the first time.

Pairing: joel x fem!reader

themes/warnings: a bit of an age gap (6 yrs), fluffy lovey dovey stuff, pre-outbreak, a bit of angsty sadness, should there be more parts? i think so but idk. ok thanks byeee

june 1995

You were anxious, trying to decide the best time of early to show up at your date’s house. He had insisted on just picking you up, but you were staying later at work so you insisted back that you just meet him there. It was casual, just a movie and then some dinner. So you just decided to put on jean shorts with the satin blouse you had worn to work that day. As a joke you bought him flowers, to tease the fact he was offended you wouldn’t let him pick you up.

Technically you met Tommy Miller first, at the bar with your friends. He had been flirting with one of your best girlfriends, and offered to buy you all drinks. Then about an hour later, his brother showed up. Joel was older than the rest of you, six years older than you at the time. Everyone teased him about looking like the grumpy-old dad hanging around. Eventually Tommy had snuck off somewhere with your friend, and Joel looked bored of every other person there.

“You know, if you pretend like you’re having a good time, they might leave you alone,” You whispered, as you sat down in the chair next to him at the table. All of your other friends were off doing who knows what.

“Tommy dragged me along here, I told him I really didn’t want to, my daughter has a soccer game in the morning and..” He paused as if he had just said the wrong thing, “Sorry, you don’t care about that, you’re what? Twenty-one? A bar on a Friday night is your playground,”

You laughed, “I’m twenty-two actually, and really I’m only here to make sure no one ends up dead, also who said I didn’t care about your daughter’s soccer game? How old?”

“She’s six, her name is Sarah, I’ve got a picture here..”

After Joel showed you the picture of his little girl, the two of you sat and talked all night. Eventually he helped you get your friends back home, offering to drive whoever was still there so you didn’t have to call a cab. No one else wanted to leave at that moment, but you took him up on the offer. During the ride back to your apartment, the two of you continued to ask little questions about one another. He even got out to open your door, and walk with you to the front door. That was when he asked you out on your first date, and it went perfectly. So perfect that half-way through you both knew you wanted a second one.

You pulled into his driveway, and knocked on the front door. When Joel opened it though, he looked shocked to see you there, then disappointed. He was still wearing pajama pants, and an old t-shirt. Then you started to feel embarrassed, and thinking that you might have misread the situation. Maybe even forgot what days you had decided on.

“Did I..”

“I called your home phone instead of the work phone, I left a voicemail, I have to reschedule, Sarah has the stomach flu and she’s been puking all day,” Joel sighed, “Y/n I am so damn sorry, she’s only been sick one other time, and I’m trying to get her to eat but everything makes her more sick,”

“Joel, take a breath,” You smiled, and behind him you saw a little girl in a nightgown/t-shirt that was clearly Joel’s come into view behind him, “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah, place is a mess but yeah,” Joel turned around and saw Sarah standing there, he picked her up and moved back so you could come inside. You smiled at the fact that it really was a mess, and he wasn’t just being dramatic. Then you noticed Joel’s attempts at getting her to eat, and all of it was definitely too heavy for a sick six year old’s stomach.

“How about this, I am going to run back out to the store, and get stuff to make a soup that my grandma always made for me, and some gatorade for her too,” You looked at everything on the ground and table, “Then I can grab us some drinks, and help you get this place back in order,”

“I really couldn’t ask you to do that Y/n, if you want to just head home and I’ll call you when she’s-”

“Oh you’re not asking, I’m telling how this night is about to go, Sarah is that okay with you?” You smiled at her, “Oh, I’m Y/n Y/l/n, I’ve heard all about you being a soccer champion,”

“I’m Sarah Miller,” She smiled back at you, before she whispered rather loudly to Joel: “Uncle Tommy was right daddy she is super pretty she should stay.”

Joel smiled at her, before he told you to wait so he could grab his wallet for you. After he gave you some cash, you left for the store. You got all of the necessary ingredients, and even got Sarah some popsicles and crackers too. When you got back to the Miller house, Joel was waiting by the front door to help you with some of the bags. He got Sarah settled on the couch, with some water mixed with her Gatorade. After he turned on a movie for her, he came to the kitchen to help you.

“Do you need anything? Like ingredients wise? We got some seasoning up top,” He sounded nervous, and it was making your heart swell that much more. Joel looked like he belonged on the cover of some magazine that talked about how to build a log cabin with your bare hands. He was muscular, and incredibly handsome. Yet, seeing how nervous and awkward he was fumbling around his own kitchen was enough to make you like him even more.

“No, I pretty much have everything I need, really it’s just like canned chicken noodle soup, just no chicken or noodles,” You continued to cut up some of the carrots, “The broth will help her stomach, and the veggies will give her some kind of nutrients,”

“And the popsicles?”

“Oh, those are just for fun,” You shrugged. Joel looked at you for a second, a soft smile on his face, “Actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could I borrow some clothes? If I’m not going out into public I would really like to get out of these,”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll go grab you some stuff.” Joel went and grabbed you what he called his “old tshirt” but you could tell it was relatively new, and a pair of sweatpants. You had him take over on making sure the carrots and celery got softer, and went to change. When you got back into the kitchen, he was pouring some into a bowl for Sarah.

“I grabbed us some actual food too by the way, I figured we could make it after she gets to sleep,” You offered and Joel paused for a second.

Then he walked over to you, and pulled you into a kiss. When he kissed you at the door the night of your first date, you were convinced nothing could be better. This kiss right now though, topped every kiss you had ever had. Joel held your waist, pulling you closer into him. Your entire body melted against him, pure bliss filling up every part of your body. It wasn’t until the two of you heard a quiet giggle from the doorway that you broke apart.

“I’m soooo telling Uncle Tommy.” Sarah teased and both you and Joel were bright red. He picked her up and took her back to the couch. You followed behind with her soup, and sat down with them to watch the movie she had decided on. After Sarah had soup (and a popsicle) in her stomach, Joel carried her upstairs to her bedroom.

You went back to the kitchen and put the leftover soup in a Tupperware container. You got started on making burgers for you and Joel . By the time he came back in the kitchen, you were putting the patties on a plate for you both.

“I left the stove on low, I wasn’t sure if you wanted cheese on it or not,” You started making your own plate, and Joel grabbed two beers out of the fridge for you both.

“Hey, I didn’t really, y’know properly apologize for our plans being ruined,” Joel sighed, as he put his patty back on the pan to let some cheese melt onto it, “I owe you an actual date,”

“I mean, the bar was incredibly low, but I think this might be one of the best dates I have ever had,” You took a bite of your burger, and watched as his face lit up, “Sarah is even cuter than I imagined she be,”

“Yeah, she knows it too, she seems to really like you,” Joel turned the stove off, “It’s just been her and I for a long time now, so I wasn’t even planning on introducing you guys until I could see where this was going,”

“I’m sorry if I intruded,”

“Hey, no, you didn’t and she was able to actually keep something in her stomach without wanting to puke again,” Joel cut you off, “Last time she was sick the neighbors next door helped out, but they’re out of town right now,”

“You can tell me to shut up if this is pushing too hard, but is her mom in the picture? I would hate to step on toes,”

“No, she um, she split when Sarah was still a baby,” Joel took a bite of his food, the silence settling between you two, “I know that’s pretty heavy, but yeah Sarah never even knew her really,”

“I can’t imagine ever doing that to a person, especially my own baby,” You frowned, “Well even in the few hours I’ve known her, and the three weeks I’ve known you, she fucked up big time,”

“Sarah and I get by, we’ve got Tommy too,” Joel looked at you, “And hopefully you haven’t been scared off yet and maybe we can start throwing you into mix?”

“Are you kidding? Sarah and I are besties now, didn’t you hear? She’s going to make me a bracelet and everything, so I guess you get that third date Miller.”

Joel nodded, a small smirk on his face. The two of you finished your food, and went out to the couch to watch a movie together. Joel wrapped his arm around you, as you leaned into his side. Your head was somewhat resting against his chest, and you could hear every heartbeat and breath. It didn’t take long before you found yourself hoping for another kiss. Luckily, he seemed to have the same idea, and tilted your chin up towards him.

His lips were soft against yours, and your entire body was practically tingling from just his touch. Soon enough you were on his lap, your hands in his hair, as the kiss deepened. Joel’s fingers were calloused, but the way they traced against your lower back was so gentle and soft. He started to kiss down your neck, your head leaning back a little bit to give him more space. When he started to lightly suck on the soft spot of your neck, you couldn’t help but whimper a little. You tugged his hair, and could feel that same smirk from earlier against your neck.

Things probably would have escalated even further, if it weren’t for the sound of Sarah getting out of bed. You both were quick to fix to yourselves, and go back to just sitting next to each other. Joel got up when he heard Sarah actually come down to the bottom of the stairs, you followed to go check upstairs and make sure that she didn't need her room to be cleaned up.

"Hey baby girl, you okay?" Joel whispered, picking her up. She nodded and laid her head against his shoulder, her eyes heavy.

"Can I snuggle with you and Y/n?" Sarah got the words out in between her yawns. Joel looked at you for a second.

"I can head out if you need me to?" You offered, you didn't want to intrude anymore on their night than you already had. Sarah shook her head quickly though, and so did Joel.

The three of you went back to the couch, and you switched the movie to something else Sarah would want to watch. Sarah requested that she get to be in the middle, and she laid her head in Joel's lap with her feet across you. Joel wrapped his arm back around you and pulled you closer into his side. Soon enough, the three of you were all asleep.

All snuggled together on the couch, with the beginnings of a short lived happy family.

part two

#joel and sarah #joel miller #sarah miller #the last of us #the last of us actually wants to kill me #reader insert #joel miller x reader #this might suck #please don't judge me #should i do a part two?

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fairydares · 1 year

Text

fuck it, new fic. let's do this.

(there's a 'keep reading' line so don't worry, this isn't too long.)

Title: Chasing Tails (AO3 Link) (Chapter 2) (Chapter 3)

Fandom: Fairy Tail

Rating: E (Explicit) because I'm almost positive there will be eventual smut. I'll be clearer about this as I actually decide what I'm going to write lol. Overarching Warning for Graphic Depictions of Violence.

Categories: 2nd gen fic; adventure, humor, romance, fluff, and angst in approximately that order. i guess.

Pairings: Nalu, Gruvia, Gajevy, Jerza, Miraxus+Fried (don't know what that ship's called sorry), Chendy, Sting/Yukino, Baccana-- next gen has pairings, too, but I don't want to reveal those yet.

Tags/TW's: The first chapter contains UFC/MMA-esque violence as well as some implied street violence. There may be more TW's I need to add later, but I honestly haven't written the whole story or decided everything, so that's all I can give you for now. I'll do my best to tag appropriately as I go.

Summary: It’s been almost 12 years since 17-year-old Layla O'Neil was found living alone on the streets and put in foster care, and she likes to think she’s done a pretty good job of forgetting the past. She doesn’t remember her birth family, the name “Nashi [*1] Dragneel,” or where she heard the absurd stories she told the police who found her. Stories about Wizard Guilds, flying cats, and–most cringey of all–her self-proclaimed status as a “Fire Dragon Slayer.”

But the past becomes pretty impossible to ignore when it confronts her in the form of some middle-aged, pink-haired stalker who won’t stop calling her the ridiculous name she’d nearly forgotten, and trying to convince her to come back to “Fairy Tale.”

Oh, and claiming to be her dad.

Like Layla doesn’t have enough problems! The last thing she needs is some delusional freak following around. Especially one who’s starting to make her want to take his hand…

Yep, this is a Second Gen (and therefore post-canon) fic. The idea took root and just would not let go. I’ll warn you ahead of time that the premise is somewhat dark. That said, I’m the kind of writer who likes (and tries to write) stories with sad beginnings, hopeful middles, and triumphant ends. I don't want to give too much away, but you shouldn't expect major character deaths or anything like that, though their may be some forms of lightly implied abuse.

Feel free to reblog, make your own additions with commentary, whatever. I'm quite lax with stuff like that. Hope this was comprehensive enough, and that you enjoy!

Chapter 1: Dragon-Slaying Aliens

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“That’s correct…a world that exists independently from the one we know. And, unfortunately, a world that’s begun losing its Magic…unlike here, in Edolas, Magic is a finite resource. Without limits on its use, it will one day disappear forever.” -from Episode 78, “Edolas”, (English dub, ~00:09), Carla’s line [*1]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------To say this mission had gone sideways was a big-ass understatement, and even Natsu had to admit it.

It had started well enough. A relatively small mission. Not even S-Class! Puny wannabe Dark Guilds like the one Shirotsume needed dealt with–what was it called? Bony Jewel or something? Anyways, they were a dime a dozen, these days. Hell, Natsu was pretty sure he and Happy took out, like, a billion of them in the past seven years by pure accident. So how the hell was he supposed to know that this time, he’d get blasted to another world–one even Team Natsu hadn’t wound up in?

And he was positive they’d never been here. He may have had a bad memory (something he’d begrudgingly been forced to actively acknowledge as he grew into a man) but he was sure he’d have remembered somewhere that made him feel this bad. It wasn’t just that he couldn’t use his Magic. If it had just been that, this might have been fun. Hell, a lot of the worlds Team Natsu had visited–even Edolas–had been fun.

This one sucked.

If he hadn’t known better, he’d have thought he’d been transported to the future–one where FACE had been activated and all the Magic had been dissipated. Because it had felt, truly, like all the Magic was being sucked out of him. When he’d woken up on the forest floor, he’d felt as if he was dying. His lungs had burned with each breath (and not in the good way). His limbs had felt like lead when he tried to rise.

He’d quickly realized that couldn’t be the case, though. Even if the Dragons hadn’t destroyed FACE, if all the Magic had been sucked from Earthland he’d have Magical Deficiency Syndrome. He’d either be down or in forced into his END form.

He’d wandered around the small forest he’d woken up in alone, trying to focus through the stink and noise he was only capable of perceiving through what felt like about a hundred layers of thick blanket, and calling for his best friend as long as he could. It hadn’t been long before he gave up and left; Happy had never shouted back (something he considered fortunate, at this point; hopefully Happy was back in Earthland) his stomach was trying to eat itself, it was dark–and, worst of all–he still couldn’t use his Magic. At all.

Actually, scratch that: the absolute worst part was when a glance at his (as usual) bare shoulder showed him that his guild mark had vanished. It was just gone. So was his scarf, and so was his Mini Communication Lacrima. Obviously, his guild mark and scarf were bigger deals personally, but the Mini Comm was a bigger loss in immediate, practical terms. After That Day, seven years ago, Laxus–now Fairy Tail’s Master–had started putting Navigation Enchantments on everyone’s Comms so that anyone who went missing could be traced. There was a 3D map of Earthland and Edolas visually tracking everyone’s movements in the Master’s Office. It could even find them in Edolas.

Now, Natsu’s was nowhere to be found. No one would be able to find him, wherever he was, and any hopes of contacting them were obviously dead in the water, too.

He was gonna have to find his own way back, somehow. He only prayed his scarf was somehow back in Earthland, and that Happy had grabbed it for him.

As he hobbled down the weird, too-neat walkway he’d found, he had to believe that whatever was preventing him from using his Magic was what kept him from sensing anything beyond the general–the stink, the sound, the pain, the hunger. Normally, with his better-than-normal resilience and enhanced strength, his pain would have mostly taken care of itself by now. Usually, making himself move helped. Now, it seemed to be making things worse.

After finding the pathway, he’d kept shouting for his little buddy a whole bunch of times, but all he’d gotten were several loud verbal confrontations and one physical one. He’d expected to beat the massive brute towering next to the smaller woman beside him–and he had. But it hadn’t been as easy as he’d expected. His movements had been slower than normal. His limbs had felt like lead. His strength had been lesser. Every time he tried to call up his Magic, a wave of dizziness and lethargy had overcome him. It was like he’d feel the rushing up inside of him only to sputter to coldness at the last second; he hadn’t seen so much as a spark since he’d woken up.

In the end, it was only experience and determination which had allowed him to level the much larger man, and hard-earned wisdom which had seen him running from the screeching woman and the gun-wielding, uniform-wearing soldiers her screeching had drawn. Yet the punch he’d taken to the nose had made it bleed and the kick to the thigh had made him limp.

It wasn’t just that his Dragon senses had vanished, making him woozy, making it difficult to stand and excruciating to move. His strength was gone as well. Not even sealstone would have weakened him this much.

He’d wandered, now, for what felt like several hours. The number of Magical Vehicles around were astounding–astounding, and nauseating; just looking at them made Natsu want to vomit. The one good part of having an empty stomach was that he had nothing to give up. He meandered in a stupor, through unbelievably thick crowds, dodging Magic Vehicles and their honking, and glaring down anyone who yelled at him for not understanding something, occasionally barking back to scare them off.

He’d never been so disoriented, and the worst part was that deep down, he knew that there was no one to blame but himself.

Lucy and Happy had asked him, point-blank, if the Quest he’d chosen had anything to do with his search for their long-lost daughter and kitten.

It had. Of course it had.

However, Natsu had denied it. Because if he hadn’t, he and Happy wouldn’t have been able to leave right then. Lucy would have forced him to bring someone else along; she was busy taking care of their son, Luke; the Perve-sicle was already out on his own mission/search for Juvia, and Erza was away, which meant he’d have had to ask someone outside Team Natsu.

No thanks, he’d decided, covering up the fine print on the mission request with his fingers before holding it up to Lucy’s nose.

Now, as he snarled at yet another person yelling at him for being in the way, Natsu was starting to consider the possibility that he just maybe should’ve been more upfront, and even that he should–perhaps–have waited for the stripper to get back before taking on Bony Jewel or whatever alone.

But how the hell was he supposed to have known it would end up like this?! It had been going fine–in fact, it had been going great! A couple opponents had offered a real challenge before their Master had shown up. Natsu had been laying down brick in that fight, too. Yet when the guy had been on his last legs, he’d whipped some creepy, sparkly rainbow skull from nowhere (now that he thought about it…that might have been what the Guild was named for!) and shot one last attack. One so big, Natsu had been unable to dodge–though, of course, he’d made to both block and finish the fight with an enormously powerful Fire Dragon Wing Attack.

Based on his current predicament–he had to assume it hadn’t worked. Even though the skull had shattered in the heat of his flames at the last second, the blast had still hit him. His one consolation was that he was pretty sure his little buddy had heeded his final warning to get back. So he was almost definitely still back in Earthland.

It had taken Natsu several pathetic attempts to stand. Getting here felt like a blur. Now, he had no idea what he was doing. What he should do. Their money had been in Happy’s knapsack, and without his precious nose, finding food was basically impossible anway.

Man…Lucy’s gonna kill me, he grumbled internally, grunting at another group who shouted at him for bumping into him.

Okay, yeah, maybe he should’ve been honest. Maybe he should’ve waited. But how could he do that when the lead was so good? When there was even the smallest chance he might finally find Nashi [*]?

At the thought, his footsteps halted temporarily. He ducked his head, bangs shadowing his eyes. He balled his fists at his sides. The thought of the missing daughter he’d never stopped searching for never got easier to bear.

It was the worst thing that could happen to a parent, to lose their child. Something he wouldn’t have wished on Fairy Tail’s most vicious, evil enemy. He and Lucy understood that too intimately. Still, he didn’t let himself get bogged down, not when it might hold him back, not when it might keep him from finding her. Seven years, she’d been gone. Her, Wendy–so many of their nakama and allies. Time had neither hindered nor halted his search for any of his missing comrades, but especially his little girl. She’d be twelve, now. He’d gotten better with birthdays and anniversaries when he married Lucy. He’d woken up and started crying on April 14th this year, the same as his wife.

Still, even on that day, he’d spoken of her. When he was with Luke, Lucy, and Happy, he talked about it. He talked about how he’d find her and Harley–Happy and Carla’s kitten–how they’d be a family again. He spoke of the future to give it power, just like Igneel had taught him. Just like he’d taught his own kids. Wherever Nashi was, he was sure she must be doing the same; speaking of how she’d find them again, the same as he strove to find her.

But he couldn’t continue his search (covert or not) until he got home. So getting home was definitely at the top of the to-do list. Right after eating.

He kept walking.

Wherever he’d wound up was seedy, dark, yet strewn with lights that made paths across his newly-sucky eyes when he looked at them directly. Gross and smelly, too. The people he’d just bumped into started shouting back at him, something about bumping into someone’s girlfriend, and he huffed irritably. Normally, he’d never back down from a challenge like this, but believe it or not, he was too lost, confused, hungry, and tired to deal with another fight–not when the injuries he’d sustained from the previous one were still hurting this much.

It was humiliating. He’d always been the type of person who refused to back down from a fight, no matter how outmatched he was. These days, a lot of fights were honestly pretty boring for him. Erza would always be scary, and Gray was admittedly pretty strong (if not badass enough to stand up to him, or so he would always insist). He could proudly admit to having achieved (at least) Gildarts-level strength without the clumsiness to make him dangerous.

Now, he was balking out of fights with people who weren’t even using Magic.

There was something viscerally terrifying about how much his injuries were troubling him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t limp without worsening whatever injury that asshole had doled out on his knee. His nose felt bigger than his head.

He stumbled on, brooding.

The guy whose girlfriend he’d bumped into got louder, closer. Obviously, the freak wasn’t gonna let it go. Cursing, he started hobbling more quickly, turning the next corner. To his relief and curiosity, bright lights, loud voices, and a huge crowd–littered with food stands he might be able to beg food from–appeared. He made his way into the thick of it, ignoring the shouts behind him, and ducked and wove between people. It took him several seconds to realize he was still trying to find food by his nose, which barely even freaking worked. Frustrated, he turned his attention to the source of the light, which seemed to focus down on whatever sat in the middle of the crowd.

Curiosity shoving past the numbness and hunger, Natsu pushed his way towards it.

“Ow!”

“Hey!”

“Watch it, freak!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Natsu grumbled. “Watch your damn selves!”

He still felt like shit, but the crowd was oddly invigorating. As he crashed through the thickest (front) lines of the crowd, more lights came on while the darkness behind him fell deeper. Natsu winced, blinking. It took him a few moments to register what he’d stumbled upon: a roundish sort of stage, elevated a few feet off the ground and bordered by some kind of chain-link cage thing. Two corners were open to be entered, but fended off by some big dudes in black suits, holding back the crowd.

“WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” boomed a voice that came from everywhere and nowhere at once, making Natsu flinch again and the crowd start chattering loudly.

Match? Natsu wondered despite his disorientation and exhaustion, thinking of the Grand Magic Games. He shoved aside every stranger who tried to take his place at the front of the audience, looking around with wide, curious eyes, shoving his gnawing stomach to the backburner.

“FIGHT FANS! ARE YOU REAAAADDDDYYYYY??!!! ”

Fight? Natsu thought, perking up, conveniently forgetting his injuries in a burst of excitement. Several people started chattering at the crack of the loud voice that was everywhere and nowhere, making Natsu look around even more fervently.

“BECAUSE THIS LONG-WAITED MATCH-UP IS… ABOUT…TO…BEGINNNN!!!”

The cheering got louder, the shoving got more aggressive, and Natsu got more aggressive right along with it. He’d be damned if he was going to miss a good fight. Besides. He needed to see what the Magic here was like. He was being smart. So ha! How about that, Lucy?!

“INTRODUCING: OUR FIRST FIGHTER!” the voice shouted while Natsu continued to elbow and shove, anticipation rising. Music rang out, a dude’s loud, snarly voice backed up by a bunch of deep bangs and booms which had Natsu trying to decide if what he was listening to was awesome or fucking awful–nope, definitely fucking awful. For the first time, he was glad he couldn’t hear properly since he got here.

A light flashed at one corner, drawing his eye. “UNLIKE HIS OPPONENT, THIS FIGHTER IS WELL-ESTABLISHED IN THE SEMI-UNDERGROUND OCTAGON! HAD HIS PERFORMANCES BEEN FORMALLY JUDGED WHILE THE UNDERGROUND WAS STILL ACTIVE, HE WOULD LIKELY HAVE LONG-BEEN PERMANENTLY DISQUALIFIED! YET, IN SPITE OF A CONTROVERSIAL CAREER, HE HAS REMAINED A STAPLE OF THE SEMI-OCTAGON FIGHTING WORLD FOR TWO YEARS!”

“Er, feels kinda harsh?” Natsu muttered to himself, sweating slightly. Though he didn’t really get what “controversial career” meant.

“WHILE THIS IS NOT FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE, DUE TO HIS HISTORY, MANY WILL NO DOUBT VIEW HIM AS REIGNING CHAMP AND DEFENDER! INNNNTTRRROOODUUUCCCINNNG… ‘MAD BULL’ MATTHEW BRON!”

A door Natsu hadn’t even seen was slammed open as if it had been kicked, and an enormous man–even bigger than the one that had managed to tag Natsu just a little bit ago, a man built like that potato head guy from Lamia Scale, and actually bearing a similar-shaped bald head–appeared, yanking off headphones and chucking them over his massive shoulder one of the lackeys who’d followed him out. The much shorter guy jumped, barely catching them and fumbling a lot once he had. “Mad Cow” or whatever grinned maniacally as he stormed for the ring, dark eyes wild.

The response from the crowd was mixed but mostly positive, Natsu quickly noticed as he glanced around. His eyes skated quickly over the group next to him (which was booing, unlike most of the crowd) then returned his focus to the stage-circle thing. He could see well enough, he was glad to note, even if his vision was nowhere near as sharp as it was back on Earthland. Big Guy took his place at the corner of the ring and immediately started pacing, lifting tree-like arms and roaring as he did so. Meanwhile his lackey scurried for the bit of protected corner behind him, trying to shout for his attention and getting nowhere as he continued to pace.

Natsu quickly decided he didn’t like the looks of this guy, intro aside. He was the type of asshole Natsu lived to knock down a peg, and despite his injuries and exhaustion, Natsu found himself appraising the big bastard, hands twitching. Sure, he wasn’t in the best shape, but since when had he been one to turn down the chance to kick some ass? It was more a reflex than anything. For about the billionth time since he’d landed here, he tried conjuring up some fire only to curse internally as all he got for his efforts was a wave of dizziness and a wash of helplessness.

“NOW FOR OUR CONTENDER,” the voice boomed. “SHE’D ONLY BARELY ENTERED THE UNDERGROUND BEFORE IT BECAME THE SEMI-UNDER, BUT WAS ALREADY MAKING WAVES! THIS FIGHTER HAS SPARKED INTENSE DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER WOMEN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FIGHT MEN–IN ANY OCTAGON!” More mixed din. Natsu frowned in confusion. Was it for the other fighters’ safety or something? Because someone should ban Erza from contributing to the guild hall violence. Oh, yes. That was a great idea. He’d have to bring the idea up to Gray when he got home.

“BUT IT’S DIFFICULT TO ARGUE WITH HER HANDY VICTORIES!” the voice boomed. “THANKS TO HER NEARLY-UNBROKEN STREAK OF INSANE WINS, SHE HAS BEEN NICKNAMED THE THE ‘PHOENIX’, ‘UNDERDOG’, ‘TENMEN’...AND HER PREFERRED NICKNAME…”

A new song started, and this one was undeniably cool, in Natsu’s opinion. Something hard, fast, and catchy, punctuated by an angry-sounding woman singing something about “not giving a damn” about something or other. The door at the opposite end of the ring swung open. A girl came swaggering out, and Natsu froze.

“THE DRAGONESS, LAYLAAAAA O'NEEEILLLLL!!!!”

It wasn’t his daughter. It couldn’t be. Her name wasn’t Layla. Her name was Nashi. His Nashi would be twelve, and this girl was in her late teens–maybe even her early twenties. The fact that her fighting nickname was “The Dragoness” was a nasty coincidence, but that’s all it was. This couldn’t be Earthland’s Nashi.

But it was this world’s Nashi. Of that, there was no doubt. And Natsu couldn’t make himself take his eyes off her, couldn’t even make himself blink as he stared, ignoring the cheering and booing all around him.

A couple strands of unruly pink hair at her bangs had broken free of their tight braids, as adorable and predictably unpredictable as his little girl’s. They clung to her forehead, bouncing as she strutted towards the monster still pacing, practically frothing at the mouth, and Natsu vaguely registered the sound of several peoples’ alarmed murmuring. If he hadn’t been so distracted, he’d have understood; she was about half the guy’s size and about -50% as insane-looking.

Not scared, though.

And…she looked like Lucy. She looked so much like Lucy that it hurt. He could still remember times when he’d call his little girl’s name, she’d turn around, and he’d gasp–because it really was like an adorable, wild little pink-haired Lucy turning to look up at him, her whole face lighting up like he was the greatest thing in Earthland. The memory choked him up, a feeling he’d gotten used to over the past seven years. He swallowed hard.

But that wasn’t Lucy’s smile. Natsu felt like he had seen that smile somewhere but he wasn’t particularly interested in thinking about it all that deeply, because what mattered was that it was her smile, his little girl’s, big and toothy and unmistakable–a little lopsided, the corners of her lips characteristically curling.

It hit his chest like a shot from Zeref, making him briefly clutch at his waistcoat’s dirtied fabric.

Natsu knew, firsthand, just how similar other worlds’ versions of his loved ones could be to his. Hell, Edolas Lucy had chopped off her hair to make it a little easier to distinguish herself from Earthland Lucy.

That didn’t make it hurt any less to suddenly see another world’s Nashi– Layla, this one was called. That was Nashi’s middle name. It made sense, when you thought about it. Names were one thing that seemed to sometimes differ slightly between worlds, as he’d learned on the 100-Year-Quest [*3]. Her canines were sorta sharp, maybe, but they weren’t Dragon Slayer sharp, like his and daughter’s. Besides. Edo Nashi and Fireball’s canines were a tiny bit sharper than normal, too.

It couldn’t be her. It couldn’t be. Looking at her still felt like being punched in the chest by Erza. Yet he couldn’t stop watching as the music, cheers, and boos faded, she stripped off her sweats (to much catcalling and whistling) to reveal a black sports bra/shorts getup sort of like “Mad Bull’s” shorts, revealing a body packed with much more muscle than any of Fairy Tail’s women would’ve allowed themselves to accumulate. She looked pretty badass, he decided.

The voice that was everywhere and nowhere boomed on:

“NOT ONLY A CHANCE AT THE UPCOMING TITLE ON THE LINE, BUT–POTENTIALLY–THE FUTURE OF MIXED SEMI-UNDERS. TWO CHALLENGERS, SQUARING OFF FOR A CHANCE AT THE SEMI-FINALS. THIS IS A GIGANTIC CULTURAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT… ‘MAD BULL’ MATTHEW BRON VS. THE ‘DRAGONESS’ LAYLA O'NEIL!”

“‘Dragoness’ is fucking right!” Mad Cow or whatever roared while he hugged one arm across his chest, grinning ferally at his much smaller opponent. “Here hoping some man will look at you, fugly?!”

Several people in the audience laughed. Even the announcer chuckled. Meanwhile, Natsu’s blood boiled. On some level, he knew he needed to separate himself from this. From this fight, from this “Nashi.” Especially when he was this powerless to do anything about any of it. But it was impossible to listen to someone say that to another version of his daughter and not have every protective instinct in his body flare, especially when the spectators apparently thought it was fucking hilarious.

However, her grin didn’t even flicker. “Like you’re one to talk!” she cackled. “You look like Popeye fucked Bigfoot!”

Natsu didn’t flinch at the language like many people in the audience seemed to. In fact, he found the disapproving murmurs confusing. The other guy hadn’t exactly been polite, but he hadn’t gotten the same reaction. Still, a solid number of people were laughing their asses off, including the group next to him which had booed Mad Cow.

He also had no clue what the hell she’d just said even meant, but the way Mad Cow’s smile dropped off his face, a handful of people started howling with laughter, and the commentator’s chuckles cut off abruptly was enough to make Natsu grin.

Some random guy in some sort of black, collared uniform entered the arena, signaling to the loud, annoying commentator. Unlike her opponent, no one had followed This Nashi into the arena; she was all alone. So she ran back to her own bit of protected yet empty corner and threw her clothes and a water bottle over the chainlink fence, then ran back towards the middle of the arena. There, she hopped up and down, shaking out her arms. Stretched them above her head.

“OUCH!” The commentator finally seemed to recover, though he sounded somewhat vexed. “WELL, ONE THING’S FOR SURE, THE CHALLENGER CAN TALK GAME…WHETHER SHE CAN LIVE UP TO IT IS ANOTHER QUESTION.”

“God, I fucking hate when Hansis commentates,” the guy next to Natsu muttered, his friends snorting in agreement. Then he glanced at Natsu–only to double take. “Oi, are you related to the Dragoness or something?!” he asked, eyes on his hair.

“Uhhh…” Natsu chuckled nervously, feeling himself start to sweat. He may have been what Erza would (and frequently did ) call an “impulsive idiot”, but he had no clue how to explain that he was the father of her other self. “Something like that.”

“Whoa, seriously?!” The guy’s friend leaned around him to look at Natsu with wide, shining eyes, then continued, “I won’t ask anymore, ‘cause obviously you’re trying to protect your identities or something, but that’s so cool! We’re huge fans!”

“Hmm…” Natsu said, scanning their apparel–t-shirts and hats emblazoned with her face and silhouette–and what looked like homemade signs of her name, written in fiery letters. “I can see that…what is this, exactly?” He asked this while looking around at the lights, spectators, an unfamiliar kind of money being exchanged and counted between several people.

Natsu tilted his head, blinking. “No?” he said.

“The semi-underground tournament?” the only girl in the group said, eyes almost as wide as her friend’s. When Natsu only continued to look confused, she said, “What, do you live under a rock?! You’ve at least heard of MMA, right? Mixed Martial Arts?”

He perked up at this. “Like a fight?! Hell, yeah! How do I get in on this?!” He grinned, cracking his knuckles, his earlier scuffles and empty stomach completely forgotten.

“YOU DON’T!” the entire group shouted, eyes bugging.

The dude who’d first started talking to him huffed, sweating slightly. “The ‘semi-underground’ octagon used to just be called ‘the underground fights,’” he explained loudly, Natsu still having to lean in to catch what he said with his new, bad ears over the increasingly excited din. “It was illegal, but, like, illegal in the ‘everyone knows but won’t squeal’ way, you know?”

Natsu nodded, fully getting this. After all, how many times had soldiers arrested him only for Queen Hisui to let him off with a finger-wag. Of course, his luck on that front had run out seven years ago…

“The feds finally cracked down on it,” the guy continued, “but didn’t prosecute any of the fighters. Now, it’s called the ‘Semi-Underground’...it’s got no weight-classes (which is why the Dragoness can fight big dudes like Mad Bull). All genders are free to compete and fight each other. It’s a bit more for entertainment than pure fighting prowess– that was different, before,” the guy added with a wistful tone. “But still! You can’t just go waltzing into the octagon, you know? Back in the basement where this used to happen, you could’ve gotten away with that, but now you’ve gotta work for it, you know? Seriously, do you live under a rock or something?”

Irritated, Natsu opened his mouth, but his response was cut off when a loud voice–not as loud as the announcer, but still–redrew all their attention to the ring. “Alright, fighters,” the black-collar guy said into a microphone which was smaller and not as loud as the commentator’s, quieting the audience. “We’ve been over the rules. Protect yourself at all times. Follow my instructions. We’re going to have a clean fight, you hear me?” He glared at Mad Bull, but This Nashi was the only one who dipped her chin in recognition. Natsu’s eyes narrowed along with hers when her opponent refused to acknowledge the guy’s words. “Now, touch gloves at this time, and come out ready to do this!”

Both fighters instantly danced away from each other. Black collar guy scowled. Both the commentator and the audience made sounds like “ OOOOOOOH!”

“NO TOUCH!” came the commentator’s gleeful voice, “I REPEAT, NEITHER FIGHTER TOUCHED GLOVES, AND SO FAR, NEITHER ARE REALLY MOVING FOR EACH OTHER–”

“SAY YOU’RE PRAYERS, BITCH!” Mad Cow roared. “YOU’RE DEAD MEAT!”

“BRING IT!” This Nashi roared back, and Mad Cow lunged, swinging in immediately with a big, dramatic overhand hook that would have knocked her out immediately if she hadn’t skated out of its way. It took about three similar exchanges for Natsu to sag in disappointment.

“Oi!” he shouted, utterly let down, “Where the hell’s the magic?!”

“Geez!” the guy next to him laughed. “The fight’s only just started: give them a minute to warm up! Then we’ll get to see the cool stuff.”

“What, they’re not allowed to use it at first or something?” Natsu asked, still staring as This Nashi fended off huge, devastating blows raining down from above and leapt back from the powerful kicks, eyes narrowed and expression tight.

“...Er, what?” the guy asked.

“Magic–duh!” Natsu huffed, flickering wide eyes between the guy and This Nashi, who was now darting backwards around the round-ish ring, still fending Mad Cow off, weaving and ducking with a speed few could hope to match. “You know?! Fire, Ice, Celestial Magic…?

The guy stared at him for a second along with his companions, all of whom were also sweating. It was then that Natsu knew:

Something more was going on here. Something he didn’t understand. This place…wherever he was, it was like Edolas. Not now, but back when he, Lucy, and the others had gone there. Magic didn’t just not exist, here; was some kind of… taboo on it.

“Oh, sorry,” he chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. Trying to keep his voice as quiet as he could over the crowd, he continued, “I didn’t mean to say something that would get you in trouble...”

The group’s only response was to sidle away from him surreptitiously, glancing at him and sharing looks with wide eyes. Natsu was thrown for a loop once more. Ooo- kay, talk about overly-suspicious. Were there guards listening in on their conversation or something? As discreetly as possible, with his hand still at the back of his head, he looked around, eyes narrowed.

Yet…he saw nothing to warrant their suspicion. An unruly crowd…and an astonishing lack of guards. At the Grand Magic Games, there’d always been a ton of guards. Way more than he wanted to be there, honestly. Did this have something to do with the whole “underground” thing?

He looked at the group again, then realized something important: it was him they were looking at nervously. Nervously, and like…he was crazy or something.

It had taken time, but the years had made Natsu wiser–cooler–about situations like this. Even as his stomach sank with the realization that getting home was going to be a much harder task than he’d initially realized, he acknowledged that he’d need to be careful about mentioning Magic here. Dropping his hand, he forced a small smile at them then turned his attention back to the arena, where Mad Cow continued to chase This Nashi around the edge of the arena. Meanwhile, his mind continued to reel, loud to himself and no one else.

“–IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SHE’S CAUGHT IN A CLINCH, HERE, AND THEN OUR NIGHT WILL BE OVER!” the commentator was blaring. It was sort of surprising, how easily he’d been able to tune out when Natsu’s ears were registering so little. “I HATE TO SAY IT–” (Based on the glee in his tone, Natsu doubted that.) “–BUT HOWEVER MUCH OF AN EXTRAORDINARY FIGHTER SHE IS, SHE’S STILL A FEMALE FIGHTER. HER OPPONENT HAS WELL OVER A HUNDRED POUNDS ON HER [*4]. AND, AGAIN, I HATE TO SAY THIS–BUT THERE ARE JUST PHYSICAL BARRIERS NO CHICK FIGHTER WILL EVER BE ABLE TO OVERCOME! RIGHT NOW, THIS IS A DOG FIGHT, AND NOT ONE SHE CAN KEEP SCRAPPING IN! SHE’S NOT GOING TO COME OUT AS THE ‘UNDERDOG,’ THIS TIME–”

“Man, she’s getting her ass beat!” someone from the group broke the awkward silence as This Nashi was swept aside by a blow that caught the guard at her ear.

“Maybe she’ll make a comeback!” another guy said, tremulous but hopeful, as a log-like shin crashed into her stomach.

“She definitely will!” the guy who’d first spoken to Natsu said, though there was a distant note of doubt in his voice as she barely reeled from an arrow-fast straight right.

Despite the awkwardness of their last interaction, Natsu couldn’t help appreciating these people, who were so devoted to this world’s Nashi. He decided to end their night more positively. “Is that what you think?” he asked in a somewhat bored tone, eyes on the girl still gliding backwards, dancing away from the hits and kicks or else blocking them. He felt, rather than saw, the group’s eyes jumping to him, some of them quickly leaping away only to dart back.

“What do you mean?” the first guy ventured when he said nothing else, edging a little closer once more.

Natsu crossed his arms over his broad chest, eyes thinning as Big Boy brought down a hailstorm of fists on This Nashi’s head. His eyes tracked the way a particularly big hit caught her forearm–but only barely, seeing as she’d slid out of the enormous range even as she blocked. Just like he’d thought…

His stomach churned uncomfortably. It was eerie and cruel, how much her movements and the memories aligned–

“OUCH! That hurt, Daddy!” After the exclamation, Nashi began grumbling, vigorously rubbing her forearm where his fist had just him.

“Woops!” Natsu chuckled sheepishly, “My bad!”

Despite the fact that she was still rubbing the arm he’d tapped with a light hit, the little girl who barely came up above his knees scowled.

It was midday, now. In their front lawn; his and Happy’s house, now much larger with the rooms he’d added for Lucy and their kids.

“But–” He grew serious. “–you think your enemies will take it easy on you, Nashi? You think they’ll give you a break because you say ‘ouch’?”

She dropped her arms to her sides and scowled–pouted, really. She was so cute, he couldn’t have kept his lips from quirking into a grin if he tried. Strutting forward, he planted a hand on top of her head, rubbing the unruly locks. He only grinned wider when she turned her scowl/pout up to him. “Sorry, kiddo, but they won’t!”

Lucy would have lost her mind, if she saw the interaction. Natsu could just hear her now: “NATSU, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?! SHE’S FIVE! BE CAREFUL, WOULD YOU? BLAH BLAH BLURGH BLAH– !”

He never really got Lucy, when she acted like that. Nashi was a Dragon Slayer, like him. She could take much more than a normal human, but would never learn that she could if he didn’t show her! Not to mention that Igneel had been way tougher on him, when he was five. Besides, he didn’t want his kid to be some weakling! What father did want that?

Not any good ones, that was for sure. Especially not when their kids had Nashi’s determination and drive.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he apologized again, still rubbing her head affectionately. “But you’ve got to understand…if I hurt you, it’s because I know your enemies will hurt you the same way…I don’t want it to surprise you. I want you to be able to fight back, still. You do still want to be a big-time Dragon Slayer, don’t you?”

She stared up at him dubiously, but the smile caught on quick. She’d never been able to resist smiling back at him.

“...Yeah,” she admitted finally, feigning reluctance.

He lifted his hand off her head, cupping it around his ear and leaning down towards her. “What was that?!” he shouted. “I couldn’t hear you…what was it you want?!”

“I–pfft–I WANT–” Her small smile turned to a grin–the big, corner-curled grin only his daughter ever could or would achieve. The one that always melted his heart.

“I WANNA BE A DRAGON SLAYER!” she managed to roar through her grin. “NO–I MEAN, I WANNA BE THE STRONGEST DRAGON SLAYER EVER!”

“HELL YEAH, YOU DO!” he roared back, the pride managing to make his chest burst even as he squared up again, preparing for more training. An adrenaline only teaching one’s prodigy could spark electrocuted his system. “IF THAT’S REALLY TRUE, THEN COME ON, NASHI! YOU’VE GOT MORE IN YOU! I KNOW YOU DO!”

“OH YEAH? WELL I DO! I GOT WAY MORE IN ME!” She dropped into the stance he’d taught her, grinning for everything she was worth. The sun illuminated her smile.

He somehow managed to grin even more widely. “Right, then listen up!” he commanded. “When Dragon Slayers fight, they got one big advantage: they can take a whole bunch of hits–then still get up. So that’s exactly what you’re gonna do.”

“...Huh?!” The little girl’s eyes bulged out of her head. “You’re sayin’ I’m gonna let myself get hit?!”

“Well, not too hard,” he elaborated. “And not too much…you’re just gonna play defense for a while, see?” He moved for her, throwing a fist much more slowly than he normally would have. Automatically, she wove away, eyes wide on his face. His right fist was followed by his left, then a kick–all too sluggish to be real. She easily moved around and blocked all of them. “This way,” he continued, throwing another kick. “You can learn the guy you’re fighting, how step, how they breathe…”

“How they step…how they breathe…” she repeated to herself in a murmur, eyes flickering all over his body as he continued to pantomime a real fight. Natsu couldn’t help but grin. Nashi was a distractible kid, but when it came to fighting, she was always on the ball.

Natsu didn’t mind one bit when Lucy blamed him for that.

“...how they fight,” he finished.

“...how they fight!” she whispered.

He started speeding up his movements. Let her orient before he lit up his fists. She mirrored him, flames igniting her much smaller fists. Their dance became even faster “That’s it, Nashi!” he praised as she leapt back from a kick, only letting it clip her shoulder. “Get into the flow of it! Read my movements! Remember, breathe, and–”

“She’s reading him,” he murmured, voice softer than he’d meant it to be. “Fending him off and waiting for the right moment; his hits are only clipping her.” His hunger was catching up with him again, as was his pain. He ached. He wanted to sleep. And…

…It hurt. It hurt too much. Knowing it wasn’t his Nashi…that just made it hurt more. Each hit, each block, each flash of those brown eyes…they felt like shards of glass piercing his heart.

I can’t stay here, he realized.

“What was that?” the girl in the group asked, venturing closer to him.

His heart was heavy, sinking as he watched the girl. Embarrassment washed over him as he realized that had been a stupid thing to say in the first place. This wasn’t his Nashi. She wasn’t using what he’d taught her because he hadn’t been the one to train her. Hell, she probably wasn’t even gauging her opponents’ movements; she was probably fighting for her life, here.

She would lose.

“Nothin’,” he replied thickly, dropping his arms even as he watched the girl roll away from a rather impressive and extremely long-ranged crescent kick, not even the man’s big toe catching her at all. “I was wrong…enjoy the rest of the fight, guys.” He used the ensuing beat of silence to stare–for just one more second–at the girl. This world’s version of his girl.

Without thinking, he went to heft up his backpack, only to sigh in quiet defeat–the exhale almost visible even in the warm air–as he remembered it wasn’t there; he was just a weakling in this world. That’s why his back (and whole body) felt so heavy.

“Oh, you’re leaving?” the first guy who’d spoken to him said as he turned away, pushing back through the crowd. His tone was an odd mixture of relieved and disappointed. Natsu said nothing, merely waving.

Overhead, the booming voice–which he’d tuned out during the competition–continued to sound off. “–AN ADMITTEDLY UNBELIEVABLE DODGE, BY ,” it said, clearly shocked, as Natsu pushed past a woman who was obviously excited to be moving closer to the arena. “BUT THE NEXT FLURRY OF BLOWS LANDS, ALTHOUGH IT APPEARS SHE’S BLOCKED MOST OF THEM–”

“YOU’RE DONE, BITCH!” roared Mad Cow, so loud that he managed to drown out the commentator–who went silent, anyway. This made Natsu pause, his brows knitting with fury.

It doesn’t matter, he reminded himself. She’s not your daughter. He refused to look back, forced himself to take another step, then another. She’s just some fighter from another world who’s, apparently, out of her league. She’s not–

A loud slam, like a body falling on a mat. “SHE’S DOWN! I REPEAT, ’S DOWN!”

Natsu smirked. “See, dumbass?” he murmured to himself.

“IT’S ALL OVER, FOLKS! SHE’S–”

All of a sudden, a fleshy CRACK rang through the air, followed by an enormous chorus of gasps and cries of surprise from the crowd. A deafening silence ensued.

“... HOLY– UNBELIEVABLE!” the commentator managed. “A KICK FROM THE GROUND–AND O’NEIL'S BACK ON HER FEET! THEY’VE GAINED GROUND FROM EACH OTHER, AND MAD BULL–MAD BULL IS NOW TRYING TO RECOVER!”

Despite himself, Natsu slowed even as he urged himself to keep walking. Even as he continued to force himself not to turn back. Looking back is only a distraction. It’s not Nashi. That is not Nashi. It’s not–

“Man, I really hate guys like you, you know that?”

The seething voice was what made him stop, closing his eyes. There was just…something about it. A growl. A fire. Something that punched right back into his memories:

“Remember, breathe, and keep your eyes on my chest! That way, you can see my whole body at the corners of your eyes!” A combo, one which he pumped more speed and power to than before–throwing her off on purpose.

“Oof!” she grunted as she landed on her butt.

“There, when you fall– that’s when you make your comeback! Now that you’ve watched your opponent, and tricked him into thinking you’re down– now is when you get back up and blow them away! That’s how a Dragon Slayer fights! That’s how a Fairy Tail Wizard fights!” She stared up at him with huge eyes, shining with admiration, and flushed cheeks.

He grinned.

“So?! Get up! Always get back up, Nashi! I’m not asking the impossible of you–you can do this! I know you can!”

“I–I will!” she scrambled to her feet, fists blazing with gold heat as she lunged for him. “I’ll always get back up! No matter what, I’ll–”

His chest seized. He clenched his jaw, knowing he needed to make himself keep walking, but unable to do it. Even as people churned around him, trying to push past him, he found himself shoving them off, refusing to move from exactly where he was. One foot planted in front of the other. Half-hovering. Eyes still closed.

Whatever just happened had quieted the crowd, an anticipatory sort of silence that made him clench his fists, eyes still closed.

And then, Natsu’s world flipped upside down:

“You didn’t even bother to study my previous fights, did you?” Her growl carried across the hushed crowd. “Tch, typical…if you had, you’d know: You’d know I always get back up!”

His eyes flew open.

He whirled back around and watched, wide-eyed and world rocking, as the pink haired girl rose. Rolled her shoulders against her ears, one at a time. The grin was gone, a heavy, intimidating scowl having taken its place as she recovered, getting her feet back underneath herself, her stance back in place. Her nose was wrinkled in fury. Her eyes burned.

Natsu’s lips parted on a gasp as he stared.

Mad Cow scoffed, hunched and rubbing his chin with a hand like a mitt. Natsu guessed that This Nashi must’ve caught him there–probably with a kick, given the size difference. That must have been what made the crowd react with shock. They were recovering now, though, getting louder.

“And why the fuck would I bother to do that?!” Mad Cow shouted, dropping his hand. “I don’t need to! Every guy you’ve faced could’ve beaten you easily if they’d quit acting like even more of a little bitch than you! You shouldn’t fucking be here anyway…fucking birds, knowing dudes will take it easy on you so you can take advantage of it and collect the reward…well I’M NOT ONE OF THEM!” He roared the last part. The bitter fury in his voice was a kind Natsu was familiar with.

“Studying what you can find of your opponent’s fighting style–that’s basic! And you wanna sit here and bitch about how I don’t deserve to be here, you lumpy-headed fuck?! ”

“The FUCK you just call me?!” McCow snarled back.

“YOU HEARD ME, SHITWIT!”

“THAT’S IT!” the man shouted. “I’ve had it! I was gonna take it easy on you, but–”

“THAT’S MY LINE!”

It seemed that was both their limit.

They flew at each other. But now, everything was different, and Natsu doubted that anyone without a trained eye and fighting experience like him could recognize it.

Apparently, the commentator was one such person: “THIS IS–THIS IS INCREDIBLE!” the voice boomed, full of disbelief, as the girl caught the fist rocketing towards her face with a hard elbow, making Mad Cow let out a roar of pain. She kicked away an arm flying towards her head, and launched a sidekick at his now-uncovered stomach–one that landed hard. She built on the damage, bearing down on him as he stumbled backwards, tripping over his own heels. A right roundhouse followed by a left to his head. Despite the fact he was obviously disorientated, he caught the first one– blocked it and tried, unsuccessfully to catch her foot–but not the second, which cracked into his ear and made him stagger, her chasing him and hammering him with surprisingly powerful blows. Each one of her hits accumulated speed and strength.

The commentator picked up again, saying something or other about “striking machines”, but Natsu didn’t hear. His eyes were wide, now, and glued to the girl cracking her shin into her opponent’s nose, teeth bared. The expression on her face…the fire in her eyes…the speed of her hits…her fighting style…it was like he’d begun watching the fight currently happening through one eye and a stream of memories through the other, his breath going still in his lungs–

“–No matter what, I’ll always get back up!” screamed the little girl, running forward and hammering him with fiery strikes, kicks, and even elbows. They’d only just started elbow work. Natsu staggered back with each good combo she landed. He put in the effort to make it look convincing, pride swelling within his chest.

“That’s it! Build on it! Faster…harder! C’mon!”

This Nashi slipped underneath and into one of Mad Cow’s big overhand hooks, the corrected trajectory of his fist barely skidding over her shoulder as her right fist tore up, slamming into his chin. Even as his eyes rolled and he staggered backwards, her expression was so mutinous it was almost funny.

But as good as the uppercut was, it turned out to be a set-up:

“LOOK AT THIS COMBO…CROSS, HOOK–WHOA! AN ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING LEG KICK! CLASSIC MUAY THAI-INSPIRED COMBO FROM TURNING–”

“FUCKING BITCH–!” Mad Cow roared, but his opponent cut him off with a voice like thunder.

“I’M THE BADDEST BITCH YOU’VE EVER MET!”

“I’LL ALWAYS GET BACK UP! I WILL! I’M GONNA BE A GREAT DRAGON SLAYER, JUST LIKE YOU! NO–I’LL EVEN BEAT YOU, ONE DAY!” Nashi took a deep breath, and Natsu grinned, allowing the pause in the fight, because he knew what was coming. The catchphrase both like his and not. Inspired by him, but all her own.

Her fists blazed brighter than ever. The sun illuminated her grin.“JUST WATCH ME, DADDY! DON’T EVEN BLINK! BECAUSE I’VE–”

“–GOT A FIRE IN ME THAT YOU’LL NEVER PUT OUT!”

Mad Cow’s eyes were wild with fear as he desperately swung for another, big lead cross–one which spelled his downfall. The Dragoness leapt off her left leg–her back leg. Her right shin cracked into his already dipping head.

He fell forward and bounced off the mat, limp as a ragdoll, while the audience screamed all around him.

Even as the giant fell still, she made for his prone form, fist raised, but didn’t fight at all when the black-collared man appeared seemingly from nowhere, grabbed her around the waist, and practically threw her away. Instead, This Nashi– The Nashi skipped backwards, smirking, and raised a wrapped fist.

And that was the realization which thundered through Natsu, now gaping up at the victorious, pink-haired fighter stalking towards the edge of the cage: not This Nashi. The Nashi.

After seven, grief-filled years, Natsu Dragneel was absolutely sure he had just found his daughter.

*1. Yes, there will be quotes from the original series (the anime dub, sub, or the manga depending on whichever version I like best) at the beginning of each chapter. HOWEVER. The quotes are not spoilers and are often only tangentially related to my plotline. The one for this chapter, for instance, is specifically about Edolas, but is not actually true of the world where Natsu has landed.

*2. Yes, I know the canon Edolas Nalu child is “Nasha.” I decided on “Nashi”, instead, for reasons which will be explained later.

*3. Sorry in advance, but I pretty much kept what little I remembered/liked from 100YQ and ditched everything I didn’t. Same with the original story, but way more with 100YQ. Idk what it is but even though I’ve read the whole thing, 100YQ has this unique quality where a lot of what happens slips straight out of my mind as soon as I’ve read it. In one eye, out the other. So you’ll just have to roll with me, sorry.

*4. Real-life inspiration for Layla (/Nashi) comes mostly from Ronda Rousey, whose biography I read and happen to have on hand, along with Kaoklai Kaennorsing (especially his fighting style). Those are the two main ones. If you’ve read My Fight, Your Fight, you’ll understand how Layla (/Nashi’s) personality is inspired by her–especially as you go on. I highly recommend looking up the Thai kickboxer/Muay Thai fighter Kaoklai Kaennorsing. He has been called the Giant-Slayer because he did, in fact, defeat opponents who had over 100 pounds on him. Watching his fights is just an incredible experience. Other inspirations include Rose Namajunas, Connor McGregor, and some others. There are also several fictional inspirations including and outside Fairy Tail which I won’t bore you with (some of them I’m sure fellow anime fans will be able to guess lol).

#nalu #fairy tail #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #nashi dragneel #nasha dragneel #gruvia #gajevy #jerza #fan fiction #fanfiction #2nd gen #post-canon #if this is wonky i'll fix it tomorrow. too tired now.#nalu fic

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pascal-oswell · 2 years

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hi. today dante acquires a faust plushie. it was supposed to be cute inferno pink stuff but looking at it again it feels like its about gregor instead sorry

"Do my eyes deceive me? Gregor, in your hands- could this be our esteemed guide?" Don Quixote is sounding more excited by the second. "The great Red Gaze, now made of thread and cotton?"

"Uh, yeah. That's a Vergilius plushy alright." He holds it out to her. "For you, by the way. If you want it."

"What?" She gasps dramatically. "I could never- this is far too great of a gift!"

When Gregor doesn't retract his hand, however, she eventually takes the plushie. She brings it closer to her face, staring at it intently, emotion clear in her eyes.

"This fierce gaze…! You've truly outdone yourself, Gregor! I… I shall never forget this!"

If he's honest, Gregor focused more on reproducing the sad, pathetic look Vergilius always has, but she doesn't need to know that. Instead he smiles.

"Glad you like it."

"I truly do! I cannot thank you enough!"

Gregor chuckles as Don Quixote runs off with her newly acquired plushie. He was right to make something for her as his first attempt at plushie making. She's probably his only coworker who would react in such an excited manner. It helps him feel better about the whole thing.

He hears footsteps.

"Was it you who gifted Don Quixote the stuffed toy, Gregor? I just met her in the hallway."

"Ah, manager." Gregor turns to look at him. "Yeah, I… actually made it." He falters, hesitant to talk about it even if it's just Dante.

"She told me as much! I had no idea you could sew, Gregor, let alone were so good at it!"

Gregor looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sewing is a good skill to have, for mending all kinds of things. I taught myself at a young age. Plushie making, though… that's new. I just wanted to try my hand at it."

There's more to it than that, but Gregor doesn't really feel like explaining himself right now. Something about wanting to use his hands for something beside violence.

"Well, that was certainly a good first try, then." Dante chuckles, thinking about how expressive the simple button eyes felt to him, when Don Quixote shoved the plushie in his face. "You really managed to capture Vergilius' essence, in my opinion."

"… Yeah?" Gregor perks up a little at that. "You don't think it's stupid?" It's not like the toys they might get from abnormalities. His plushies are useless in battle. Or in general. It's a waste of time, one might say.

Dante pauses, sensing the sinner's discomfort.

"I don't. I understand plushies hardly have any practical use, but that doesn't make them worthless. You were happy to make one, and Don Quixote was happy to receive one." He tilts his head, thinking. "Well, rather… Even if they really were worthless, that shouldn't matter, either. It's a harmless hobby. No one should get to judge you for it."

For a long time, Gregor silently stares at Dante. Then he closes his eyes, breathing out a laugh. Why was he even worried?

"Thanks, manager. Would be nice if more people were like you."

Dante has a few thoughts about that, but he will not voice them. Now isn't the time.

"It's no problem. Besides, plushies are quite cute, aren't they?"

Gregor opens his eyes to look at Dante. He raises an eyebrow, smirking.

"What, manager, did ya want one too?"

"Huh? Oh, no, I didn't mean- I mean, it would be lovely, of course- but I wasn't trying to hint at that. I'm not… exactly sure what I'd do with one. I'm sure others would appreciate your hard work more."

Dante's never really thought about buying plushies. He's not particularly against the idea, he's just… always focused on more necessary things, and, well, not much else.

"It's not like you have to do anything with a plushie. It can just sit there on your desk looking cute."

"I… suppose you're not wrong."

"Anyone you'd like a plushie of, then?"

"Wh… Oh, right, you did make Vergilius for Don Quixote…" Dante looks to the side, thinking. What would he even want a plushie of? An animal? That might be more complicated than a person, though… But then, who? Perhaps just himself? No, that'd be silly…

Eventually Dante sighs.

"I don't really know, honestly. I'm hardly a fan of anyone like Don Quixote is."

Gregor shrugs at that. "You don't have to be. Could just be someone you like enough to have a plushie of."

Dante thinks about it. His flames flicker as a name crosses his mind. He does not say it, however.

"… Thought of anyone, manager?"

"No," Dante replies far too hastily for Gregor to believe him. "I apologize, Gregor. You should probably ask someone else. And I… should probably get back to work."

"Sure then. See ya around."

Dante nods, turning to leave. "Yes. See you later, Gregor." And with that, he walks away.

Gregor purses his lips as he watches him go. He thinks he has an idea as to what kind of plushie he can make him.

---

Dante has long since forgotten about his discussion with Gregor when the man walks up to him, a plushie in hand. Dante immediately notices it.

"Ah? Is that another of your plushies, Gregor?" He tilts his head questioningly. "Who did you make this time?"

"Well, why don't you take a look for yourself?"

"Mh? Sure." Dante takes the plushie from him, turning it around so that it faces him. He observes it carefully. The white wool, the blue buttons, the small pout… His fire flickers. "Is that Faust?"

"Yup. I'd like to think I did a pretty good job."

"You did!" Dante looks up at him. "Would it be alright for me to ask who this is for, though? I can hardly imagine Don Quixote being interested in a plushie of Faust." He assumes it's fine to ask, since Gregor did come to show it to him.

Gregor points a finger at him.

"That'd be for you, manager."

Dante freezes.

"I'm sorry?"

"You heard me. We talked about it last time, didn't we?"

"We did, but I don't seem to remember actually picking anyone, and…" he looks down at the plushie once more, "… and certainly not Faust?" He would remember that. He definitely would.

"Yeah, you didn't. So I picked myself." Gregor shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Out of everyone, I thought she was the best choice for you."

"I… really don't know what you mean." His fire is dancing wildly, making that hard to believe. "In any case, I- I don't think I can accept this- wait, Gregor!"

Alas, Dante notices Gregor's escape too late, and is thus left alone with the Faust plushie. He soon runs off to his room, fearing someone might seem him with it.

---

Now in the safety of his room, Dante quietly stares at the Faust plushie. It impassively stares back.

"…"

Suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment, Dante impulsively throws the plushie away from him and onto his bed, only to immediately run after it, apologizing profusely.

---

Crouching, Dante observes the plushie, which is now properly sat on his bed. Had he been less panicked about the whole thing, he would have been able to tell Gregor just how cute he thought it was. It probably wouldn't have been a completely objective judgement, however, so maybe it's for the best that he didn't tell him.

---

After pondering for a long time what to do with the plushie, Dante eventually remembers his past conversation with Gregor and carefully sits the little Faust on his desk, before busying himself with paperwork.

At first, its presence actually motivates Dante to work harder. It's a silly thing, but he tells himself he needs to do his best so he won't disappoint the plushie. But only at first.

After a while, Dante cannot help but get distracted, staring at the plushie and thinking about the real Faust.

It's only an hour later that he catches himself and violently interrupts his daydreams by slamming his clockface into his desk. The plushie is slightly shaken, but otherwise unaware of its crimes.

---

Do not tell anyone, but when Dante has to leave for a mission, he always takes the time to grab the plushie and lay it in his bed, tucking it in, so that it may rest peacefully in his absence.

---

Sitting cross-legged on his bed, Dante carefully holds the plushie in one hand, bringing the other up to carefully pat it on the head. But he soon lets his hand fall to his side and looks down at his lap, his embarrassment rising.

---

Dante has now stopped counting the number of times the plushie's distracted him and led him to think about Faust.

---

Lying on his bed, flat on his stomach, Dante happily looks at the plushie sitting in front of him, the bottom of his clockface resting in both of his hands. Faust complimented him during today's mission. He giggles, kicking his feet in the air. He's going to be thinking about it all day.

---

There is a knock on Dante's door.

"Come in!"

The door opens, and Dante looks up from the report he was filling to see Faust walk in.

"Oh, Faust! Hello!"

"Good evening, Dante. Are you busy right now?"

"As busy as usual, I suppose. Don't worry about it. What can I do for you?"

She nods, walking over to him. "I wanted to ask you about tomorrow's…" she trails off as something on his desk catches her attention, "… mission."

"Faust? Is something the…" he follows her gaze down to… "… matter…"

Dante has so few visitors, it never occured to him that he might need to hide the Faust plushie when inside his own room. That is why it now sits proudly on his desk, in full view of the real Faust.

When Dante's fire suddenly shoots up, Faust wonders if it might reach the ceiling. In the end it doesn't, and when it settles down, Faust only watches as Dante slowly gets off his chair to crawl under his desk where he curls up, hiding his face in his knees.

She still hasn't even said anything yet.

---

It's not often Faust seeks out Gregor, so he's a bit surprised when she approaches him one day.

"Gregor."

"Hey, Faust. What's up?"

"You've been making plushies, yes?"

He blinks. This is not where he thought this conversation would go. He's not sure he likes it.

"… What about it?"

"I know you've made multiple human plushies. Can you do anything else?"

"… Maybe? I mean, I've never tried, but…" He furrows his brows, confused. "Why, did you… want something?" Surely that couldn't be it, but he doesn't see why she'd bring that up in the first place.

Faust is silent for a while.

"… How do you feel about clocks?"

#limbus company #my writing #dante after faust saw the plushie : oh my god i want to die she must think its so weird end me #faust after seeing the plushie : what the hell. i never considered this. im getting myself a dante plushie.#they shall make dantito and faustita kiss soon.#anyway. i like writing silly things about them its relaxing #also i dont have a specific reason for getting gregor into plushie making i just thought it would work well enough #i considering charon and don quixote too i just picked gregor bc i like him

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whoiwanttoday · 2 years

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Well guys, this is a post that has been brewing since I was 13 it turns out. Squeeze has announced some tour and for some reason Google and YouTube both really thought I needed to know about this. I mean, I say some reason, it's not entirely unheard of, I remember once responding over the loudspeaker at tower records to someone with, "I said please, my favorite band is Squeeze, I have all of their CDs except for Babylon and On". Not that they were actually my favorite band but you never want to pass up a decent rhyme scheme and a good obscure reference. But the tour is in the UK and while I do quite like Squeeze I can't imagine flying to England just to see them. Not now. Maybe in 1984. Hate to be too judgy but I do think nostalgia is the enemy of all art and as anti Rock n Roll as things get. So allow me to wax nostalgic here. I discovered Squeeze (not like discovered discovered but you know what Europe, turn about is fair play. I discovered your fucking band, deal with it) when I was 13 because the song Pulling Muscles (from the Shell) was a mainstay on radio and no one knew who they were. So I decided to figure it out and I bought Squeezes greatest hits. Greatest Hits are also anti Rock n Roll, it's why the Eagles greatest hits is like the 4th best selling album of all time. This was a good entry point though for an amazing bit of pop song craft that was almost unknown in the US, again on the account that no one had discovered them until I did. It did lead to me owning all of their records to this day (except for Babylon and On). Anyway, this is a long way of getting to the fact that Up the Junction was my favorite Squeeze song because it's absolutely heartbreaking. It's the story of a poor guy trying to rise above his station with a higher class woman and it all falls apart eventually. He stays poor, she moves on with his kid, he is drunk and alone and miserable. I was a depressed child and always gravitated to this kind of thing, especially for real adult problems with the thought of, "That's the life I want one day". Romantic misery. It is fucking stupid beyond belief but when you are depressed and your life sucks sometimes you just crave the visual signifiers that other people can see so they get it. No one has sympathy for, "I am sad because my brain doesn't work". Suck it up Buttercup, there are real problems out there. But man, if you can get one of those real problems? Like an actual cinematic one with what you assume to be some cool British slang about Junctions? Oh, that's the stuff, everyone will get it then. I mean, they don't, they won't, but it's part of the fantasy of misery porn. Anyway, the song describes a world that might as well have been the fucking moon to an American Teenager 20 years after the song was written but I latched onto it and it starts by saying, "I never thought it would happen/With me and a girl from Clapham". I didn't know what Clapham is and to my knowledge I have never met a girl from Clapham (I can't be sure, I have met many a woman from England but I always forget to ask) so I am way behind on my plan to meet, impregnate, fall apart, lose my job, lose my family, turn into a drunk and disappoint her. Look, it maybe was never my best thought out plan as a kid but I was always confident I could grow up to disappoint a woman, so I knew I could stick the landing. Anyway, that's a long way of saying I went to see what the fuck Up the Junction meant and that lead me to the wikipedia article about Clapham Junction and notable people from Clapham and guys, Holly Willoughby is from Clapham. Does this explain why I have always been attracted to her? Maybe. I mean, I haven't always been attracted to her. I didn't even discover her until like 2012 or something. Weird pictures of her exist from before then given she was undiscovered. Anyway, my point is this is the sort of convoluted experience that deamnds two things. One, a long post that exactly two people will read, the rest of you stopped after the first line. And two, that I post Holly Willoughby specifically. Today I want to fuck Holly Willoughby.

#Holly Willoughby #blonde #Actress #whoiwanttofucktoday

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avenger-hawk · 1 year

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What is Sasuke like when he's drunk? Got any hcs on that?

Some thoughts to consider:

- How often would he get drunk?

- What is he drinking?

- Why is he drinking?

- What is he like drunk and alone? What about other people?

- Is he trying to, or not to, get drunk? Wasted?

- Does he have problems later, the next morning?

- Has he ever thrown up?

Uhm I'm not able (or interested lol) go in such specific details. I guess. Maybe. ??

Disclaimer: alcohol and even more so, light drugs, are a controversial topic because some fans from some countries are totally ok with them, because culturally it's not a big deal and it's something the majority of young generations try in high school or later, while for others they are taboo because they are against religion and/or the law, so imagining their fave characters doing such thing is offensive and wrong and, for them, ooc. I'm from a country where it's ok to drink alcohol and young ppl try light drugs without much fuss, so for me unless ppl become a problem (for themselves and others) because of their alcohol/drug abuse, using them is no big deal.

Thinking about Sasuke in the canon Naruto universe, when he joined Orochimaru it's said he took 'drugs' and forbidden stuff to becomes stronger...as he showed more times, when he wants to achieve a goal he doesn't let morality or rules get in the way. Alcohol is the same, in a way, I mean it doesn't help his strength ofc, but if he had to drink with someone in order to gain some power, some information, something useful, he'd totally drink even though he'd want to not overdrink, because he has a goal.

If it's a leisure moment, like, Team Taka indulging in some drinks because, he'd let Suigetsu (and Karin) pour drinks for him, totally, and even if he wouldn't want as much as they drink he would drink a lot too, after all when Suigetsu challenges him he just tries to be more mature but eventually takes it (it's a funny dynamic I took from the anime episode when Sasuke frees Suigetsu and they end up fighting a rich criminal's big group), so it would be Juugo who'd make sure they'd all stop. Same for other characters ofc. He needs to be involved in something, to drink.

He's not an aggressive or a sad or a flirty drunk person though, he's just more relaxed. And kinda defiant.

When he's alone I don't think he would, even if he's sad, desperate, anything. He'd better wallow in desperate thoughts and memories, he'd never do anything to chase them away because it's his family, his brother, whom he failed to understand (in his own mind) so he can't even think about drinking to forget anything.

In a canon divergent AU, or a non massacre or a post ending, given the right context he'd totally drink, or rather, he'd totally accept someone else's drink offering. He'd drink with Naruto (and I wrote something related in Of Feathers and Fangs) who I imagine is an aggressive drunk, and since Sas can be defiant stuff might happen. He'd drink with Kakashi, I can totally imagine them doing so, in silence, but also randomly talking about deep stuff. Or with Itachi, if it was some AU where he's alive, and even though Itachi would control how much his brother would drink. But even with, idk, Shikamaru or, like in my non massacre AU I described in Victims of Peace or in my post ending canon divergent Broken Things, with Shisui.

In a modern AU he might experiment more because without a massacre, without the need for revenge, his self esteem issues and conflict with his father who compares him with his genius brother would be 'lighter' and even though he'd still would want to make his father proud of him and follow his brother's footsteps he might have more freedom, even though his family would still be kinda strict. He might need an outlet for his teenage angst and his low self esteem and inferiority complex. So experimenting more would mean accepting drinks and getting drunk after some challenge or smth, getting home trying to not be caught and so on. Which would be very hard with Itachi being a controlling older brother catching him before his family does and 'scolding' him himself.

#vivalarevolution #vivalarevolution: visions #modern au #au #post ending au #non massacre au

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ichika27 · 2 years

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OnS Chapter 121

It’s been a while. I can’t just put this off for long as it’d get busier with the holidays. Still don’t feel like watching any anime though. :P

Yuu decides they’re going to Mt. Fuji this time cause he wants to and also to hide in the forest. Guren told him the place isn’t good for spells and stuff so it’s probably a good spot to hide away in - at least, that’s what Yuu said at the start but they went and Yuu decided to climb the entire way anyways. It’s a nice memory to have since they’re at a life of death situation right now and there’s a big chance of the latter happening.

At first Mika didn’t agree but after Yuu tells him that it could be nice for their last memories in case of death, he gives in.

Mika did have fun on the way though. They made it to a shrine where Yuu starts praying and when Mika asked which God Yuu is praying to, Yuu said he didn’t know. Mika suggest praying to the ones who hate the 1st Progenitor lol.

*Yuu jumps on top of a Torii Gate and invites Mika to get up there with him*

Mika: This is sacrilegious and we might gets cursed.

Yuu: But we’re already cursed and we’re living in the apocalypse.

Mika: ...oh yeah.

Hahaha. Seriously though, they’re still having fun and are now looking at the view. They’re both happy they went and did this cause it’s been a while since they had fun. Yuu also decided they stay there until dawn so he could see his first sunrise.

Mika said he’d never forget this for the rest of his life and Yuu tells him that they’d win and live so long they’d forget this eventually. Yuu adds that they’d bring everyone back and have more fun afterwards to forget all the bad stuff.

Anyways, the progenitor team is in Shibuya with Ky Luc threatening the humans: they won’t kill the humans if the humans don’t resist.

Kureto!! Shinya!! It’s been a long time. The author hasn’t forgotten about you two! XD

They’re currently being held captive by the progenitors.

The vampires, or specifically the Hyakuya Sect, are planning to deal with Shika Madu, it seems. He’s still nailed to the floor and the researchers are told they’d be dealing with what’s basically a God - if they fuck up, they’re all dead.

For now it seems we’re done with the Yuu-Guren parallels because Yuu and Mika and on the other side, the progenitors are planning to do the same thing at the same time: look through the past to find answers.

---

I don’t know how to feel about things Yuu are doing right now. They’re both simultaneously heartwarming and hopeful but also sad cause it’s like he’s just crossing out stuff from a bucketlist. “We’re gonna do more fun stuff when we win BUT if we die at least we already had some fun!”

Mika is just going along with it cause it felt sentimental and he’s kinda pessimistic recently cause who wouldn’t after everything that went down but also hanging on to whatever hope Yuu still has. That’s all they got now. And it’s how Mika’s always been, right? Mika thinking maybe things would get worse but Yuu tells him it’s not and those words is what Mika would hang onto to not just break down.

I love how Mika’s thought of which God to pray to is just “whoever is against the First” lol. Their moment on the Torii Gate was sweet and funny. Yuu just accepting their life is already bad so what’s one more curse and the whole sunrise thing. Also bittersweet how Yuu said that they’d win and live long enough to forget all of the bad stuff that happened to them when you realize the bad stuff is the equivalent of almost 16 years of their lives and that’s their entire lives until now.

Oh!! We see now what the progenitors are doing. And before that, Shinya and Kureto finally make an appearance after all this time! And they’re conscious! I wonder if they’d get more screentime now or if this is just the author thinking that he should at least show that those two are still alive or something lol.

Rigr created the Hyakuya Sect to fight against the 1st Progenitor and it seems it’s going to finally be used directly for that.

Rigr (vampire sired by Shika Madu) is going to look through Shika Madu’s memories to find his weakness. Mika (Shika Madu’s son) is going to go through Yuu’s (Shika Madu’s creation) memories to figure out what to do next. The weird parallel things are back but this time for Yuu and Rigr (sort of) instead of with Guren. Is the story going to focus on them now or are we gonna be back to seeing what Guren’s group is doing?

Speaking of parallels, Yuu+ Mika and the Progenitors are basically doing the same thing at the same time: looking through the past. As we saw from Yuu and Mika doing so while Mika was in his uncontracted demon form, there’s at least some interactivity in it for those doing the viewing which makes me wonder if they’d ever meet while they’re there. Like would they cross paths and realize their plans are almost the same. Maybe this is how their paths would cross and converge? Like if Yuu and Mika can’t join up with Guren and co., they could join with Rigr and the others. Their goals are finding a 3rd option after all.

Imagine: Guren + Shinoa Squad + Progenitors (Ferid, Crowley, and Krul) vs Yuu and Mika + Progenitors (Rigr, Urd, Ky, and Lest). And while they’re technically gonna be rivals, they all hate the 1st!

That said, the Hyakuya Sect (made up of mostly human members) is on Rigr’s side and I guess the JIDA(human soldiers) is on Guren’s side (Maybe? Like I don’t think people know or care about what went down at Nagoya with the Seraph killing the humans and how that was planned).

On the other hand, with Rigr and co. being against the 1st Progenitor, what is their standing on the other vampires who weren’t there when the talk happened several chapters ago? Would they join Rigr’s cause? Cause compared to Guren who has a basement full of people ready to be revived, I don’t know if Rigr has anything he could give the other vampires to be on his side (like he could offer their deaths but Shika Madu’s offer would have that, too).

Hmm... still a mess but that’s what’s making this exciting, right?

I’m excited for the next chapter!

Advance Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

#owari no seraph #seraph of the end #sana_post

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tequatls-favorite-spoon · 9 months

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ok. i have been Thinking about onyx’s relationships. and i’m pretty decided now that she’s gonna be poly, mostly bc she works so well with so many characters, and also they all look so cute together <3 but now i’m trying to figure the like. timeline of things??? and hoo boy

i’ll make the full timeline in a separate post, but i’ll sum up stuff real quick here. onyx was in love with trahearne, tragically that didn’t work out cuz he died rip. she’s real sad for a while, so she ignores the beginnings of some feelings for braham and caithe. after kralk, she and canach have a brief and casual fling, and then onyx ends up falling for jayrim while hanging out in elona. they eventually have to split up, especially with onyx having to leave elona and jayrim wanting/having to stay. during ibs, onyx’s old crush on braham pretty much punches her in the face. when he becomes primordus’ champ, onyx is SUPER worried about him. when she finds him alive after the fight, she gets rly emotional, like telling him how much she cares about him and stuff. she knows her feelings are more than a lil crush now, but refrains from making a move bc braham needs some time to recover (both physically and emotionally). in eod, caith and onyx have some real cute moments as aurene’s moms, i think jayrim pops up again with the corsairs here, and i really like the idea of onyx asking out braham after the engagement party. the big issue now though, is that i feel like caithe and onyx should have started dating after onyx and jayrim dated, but before onyx has her big Feelings Epiphany with braham at the end of ibs. that basically just leaves me with ibs as the timeframe, which is rough bc i don’t think caithe shows up during ibs at all?

ok. so. i’ve thought of two options rn. one: onyx meets up with caithe after leaving elona, and that’s when they start dating. two: they spend time together in the eye of the north and end up dating

this got. really long lol. so my rambling is below the cut! ur welcome lol. also if u just wanna see what i ended up going with, i put a silly lil diagram at the bottom o7

option one works, but i feel like onyx would have left elona bc of the start of ibs? like she leaves because she has to go to the charr rally thing. i guess maybe she could’ve still had time to swing by the grove and hang out with caithe? but idk. i could just make up some other reason that onyx had to leave, like maybe her family or something? ok, that has some promise!

option two feels a bit more possible to me, but i’m also not super sure how much caithe was at eotn during ibs. also, there was a lot of war stuff happening so idk if they would’ve had time for dating?

ok i’m kinda leaning towards option one now… like, onyx gets contacted by her family that they need her to come back for like a wedding, or to celebrate an achievement of one of her siblings? one’s trying to be a minister, one’s in the seraph, and another one is a priest, so any one of them could have done something cool enough to warrant onyx going back to see them. (also i promise i didn’t forget jasper, around this point in time he’d too busy partying to do anything worth onyx coming home for lol) so with onyx going back, she says that while it’ll be a long time, she’ll come back to elona afterwards! or, if jayrim wanted to… she could come with? and jayrim tells her that this has been great, and she loves onyx and all, but she can’t stop being a corsair. and onyx can’t stop being the commander. either way, this isn’t gonna work out forever, so… maybe it’s best if they end it now. and so they agree to break up but they’re both sad about it :(

so then maybe onyx and caithe starts as a kind of rebound thing? like they run into each other, and start hanging out. and hm! she’s feeling some things! onyx thinks back to their talks together as they took care of bb aurene, and now that she thinks about it, she might have had some feelings for caithe at the time? and these current weird feelings feel a lot like those?? wait has she been kinda in love with caithe this whole time??? and then they start dating :3c

also, i think onyx and caithe would talk about braham during or after ibs? bc like, i want onyx to be kinda freaking out over her feelings for braham, but i don’t want her to be kind of cheating on caithe :/ so maybe they have a convo early on about like, possibly being a poly/open relationship? i could see onyx thinking about this since she just had that whole thing with jayrim, so maybe at the time she’d be kinda hoping to get back together someday? either way, i feel like caithe would be pretty open to it, cuz i’m sure sylvari aren’t that monogamous. i feel like caithe would just want onyx to run it by her before she adds somebody yknow? and she’d run it by onyx if she liked anyone! tho i don’t think she would? i think caithe wouldn’t really be looking for another partner. like, i think caithe would like a monogamous relationship, but she’s also ok with a poly one, especially if they keep up good communication and that onyx doesn’t like, forget about her or something. yeah. i think that the idea they’d have for their relationship at first is that caith would be dating onyx, who would also be dating braham, and then also jayrim. but then caithe and jayrim would start dating eventually too :)

OH ALSO!!! i could always add yao…. bc im Love Them. and i could see them dating onyx and braham… oohhhhhhh that’s so cuteeeee….. lol and then the polycule is two triangles, which is kinda fun!

ok tldr ig. the polycule is eventually gonna be this: caithe is dating jayrim and onyx, who are dating too, and onyx is also dating braham and yao, who also are dating too :3c here is a diagram

#regan rambles #long post #onyx velazquez #jayrim beastcharmer #caithe #braham eirsson #zhou yao #i think i’ll tag them with their full name??#sure idk #i wonder if i should do that thing other ppl do where they have like a thing to mark their tags?#like tagging ‘c: caithe’ instead of just ‘caithe’#anyway #yeah i originally had a tentative timeline here too #but that made this INSANELY long #and also i figured out roughly where i want onyx/caithe to go after i’d already typed up the whole timeline lol #so i wanna redo part of it anyway #so that’ll be a separate post ✌️#kiiiinda hope this doesn’t just pop up in the canon character tags?#mostly cuz it’s so stupid long lol

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engagedtobefree · 11 months

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When the sadness comes, I don’t know what to do with it. Do I tell someone? Do I write it down? Do I call out sick just to sleep for the day? Do I go outside and try to forget? Whenever this happens, my mind always goes back to what Van Gogh said: “The sadness will last forever.” That’s what it always feels like. Out of all the terrible ways to feel, sadness is the only one that feels like it will never end.

I know this will pass, as all things eventually do. I think that possibly this bout of depression I’m going through is due to the new meds I’m on. My anxiety has also been pretty terrible too. I was on Strattera for about two months and it was actually helping me so much. I was amazed by how well I was able to function. But alas, my small glimpse into how non-ADHD people go about their day was not to last. I had terrible side effects, the worst of it being Akathisia and my libido was gone. The akathisia was so uncomfortable, but it might have come to pass eventually. The no libido thing, from what I read online about it from others, would only go away if I stopped the meds. It’s not like I’m having sex with anyone right now, but whenever I eventually do again, it would be nice to desire it. I read some horror stories, like people being on Strattera for years and then when they finally got off of it, their libido never came back. That was all I needed to read in order to decide that I wanted to try a different medication. I’m on Wellbutrin now and so far the side effects aren’t too bad, but I’m also nowhere near functioning like how I was on the Strattera. I’m hoping my psychiatrist does another dosage increase, but we’ll see. I’ve been contemplating going somewhere else for awhile now. She didn’t even want to try me on anything else after the Strattera because she thought I’d react the same way to every other ADHD med. I thought that was really strange. I’ve never had a psychiatrist think that, and the only other time I had that happen was when I saw a doctor for my mental health and she refused to change my dosage or try me on anything else. Well, I keep saying my psychiatrist but really she’s a nurse practitioner, but still, if she isn’t equipped to handle stuff like this then she should have someone else handle my meds. I can and will go somewhere else. I have no qualms about going to another psychiatrist if the care I receive is lacking, especially when it comes to my mental health. I’m not willing to give up so easily on something either. Like why would I stop after one medication when there’s so many others I could try? I’ve had a glimpse of what it’s like to function normally and I want that for myself long-term. It feels like all of my life there’s been this violent, howling gust of wind, following me wherever I go, even indoors. When the Strattera was working, it was like that wind finally stopped and everything became so quiet. It felt nice.

My friend Amanda saw an ADHD specialist and they prescribed her Adderall the same day. The downside with being on a stimulant though is that they don’t last and you usually have to take them twice a day, whereas non-stimulants have a much longer affect. It took me a week to go back to “normal” after being off the Strattera. I’ve heard nothing but good things about Vyvanse, but it’s very expensive. The patent or whatever finally goes public this month, so generic versions of it are expected later this year/early next year. But we’ll see. I do hope Welly-b starts working for me, but even after being on it two months now, I still can’t really tell. If this ends up not working out I might go where Amanda went, as long as they take my insurance. The downside though is if I want them to handle all of my meds then I have to make them my primary care too. I really like my GP a lot and it took me so long to find someone I’m satisfied with, so I really don’t want to change my GP over to someone else. I have a list of other psychiatrists I’ve looked into though so I could always go try them out first.

Another thing I’m struggling with is the situation with Scott. I haven’t been able to tell him yet what I want to say. When he reached back out to me some odd weeks ago, I felt really confused. By our third conversation though, I felt fully positive that not trying again with him was what I 100% wanted. Since then I’ve struggled with how I want to go about it and what I want to say. There’s been a few nights where I was sleeping by the time he called me, and the one night I felt super confident about doing it, he ended up not calling me. He did come over last Friday, and I just felt so awkward about it. I was also doing all the talking most of the night. His only contribution was asking for me to do sexual stuff, which I told him I didn’t want to do. He said that wasn’t the only reason he came to see me but I don’t believe him. I could tell he wanted to kiss me when I hugged him goodbye, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I felt super disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t find the right words. This week I wrote out a little script, just to give me some place to start at least. Idk that I’ll even say anything I wrote, but it makes me feel better having something to fall back on if I need to.

I at least feel pretty sure that I won’t hurt Scott. At the most, he might just be disappointed. That was a big thing for me, just feeling bad that I had to do this and that it might cause him pain. My therapist Audrey told me though to remember that I’m not actually doing anything wrong, I’m just choosing what’s best for me. It hadn’t even occurred to me until she said that that I was equating possibly hurting someone’s feelings with also doing something bad. I am still unlearning always putting other people’s feelings first. It’s something that was ingrained in me since I was a child, so it’s taking some time. I’ve made some strides but I’m not quite at the finish line yet.

I’ve been thinking over so much with Scott, and I still have some healing there to do. It’s been a long journey with this healing, something I started probably around this time last year. Every time I break down and get through a bit of it though, I come out the other side feeling much lighter yet stronger. When I was triggered by everything with Chris (which I wrote about in a post which I have since put on private), maybe a week or two later, I had a breakdown and cried pretty hard. I had started thinking about everything I had dealt with regarding Scott, the whole situation I had been in when I worked with him, and it just flooded me with emotion. I hadn’t even realized how much it had affected me until now. I mean, I had just turned 26 when everything started, and Scott was just turning 44. I was young and taken advantage of. We were flirting and he never told me he was married. I didn’t find out until months later. I remember trying to keep my distance, but then after a bit he started flirting with me again and I’d naively believe he became available, but really he just didn’t want me to stop giving him attention. I just kept putting my faith in him like that for over 2 years. I would stop flirting but then he would start it back up again, and I’d think “oh, maybe he’s separated now or going through a divorce.” Then, after so long of it going nowhere and him not telling me anything, I’d ask him what was going on, and the responses I got would be “I’m married. That’s all there is to it” or “It is what it is”. And then the cycle would repeat. I look back now and I feel so angry and distraught for my younger self. I always gave people second and third and infinity amounts of chances, even when they proved to me time and time again they were undeserving of them. I just want to hold my younger self and tell her that sometimes allowing yourself to believe that not everyone is good is the kindest truth you can give to yourself. I see her, curled up and crying, in the light of the normal world, and I feel like I’m on the flipside, this place almost like the Upsidedown in Stranger Things, where I have seen the ugly truth of things and I know what’s there underneath the surface of it all. There’s a quote that reminds me of all of this: “You'll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.” Scott has only ever cared about himself. He never thought about me or his wife. I remember one day when I finally had enough of his shit I said angrily, “I’m a person with feelings!” I still remember how he looked at me, as if he was only just registering that my existence went beyond providing him any sort of gratification. Just another red flag I glossed over.

I’m sort of in this space now where I’m recognizing that I did have lessons to learn there for my own personal growth, but at the same time acknowledging that it impacted me a lot and caused me some trauma. I hesitated for a bit from using the T-word, but Audrey reminded me that even small traumas exist and that they add up. (On a side note, Audrey is generally pretty neutral with stuff, but in one of my recent appointments with her she was kind of encouraging me to cut Scott loose. I was surprised but it also shed even more light on how toxic this whole situation is and has been.) I see Scott now and I’ve come to recognize that all this time, I have just been holding onto hope that he’s a better person underneath all of this. He isn’t. Even now, while he says “sorry”, it’s only so he can make his way back in. Scott isn’t nice for the sake of being nice; there has to be something in it for him. And when there’s no one around to see him doing something nice, he’s gotta tell you about it so that you can praise him for doing something good. I could tell when Scott was here Friday that he wanted me to just give in and do whatever he wanted. That’s what I’ve always done. He’s always given zero to bare minimum effort and I’ve always shown him that that’s okay by accepting it. The me I am now is a hell of a lot different from the past me. I feel more resolute, more confident, and I know that next Friday, the 11th, I will be telling Scott I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this to keep dragging out. I want a nice clean cut so that I can finally move forward. I think this has been weighing on me quite a bit. I remember how light I felt back in February when Scott reached out, then didn’t respond back to me, then I got pissed and told him off. I thought I would be upset and cry, but I didn’t feel heartbroken or anything, I just felt this huge weight lift. I want that again. I don’t want all of this on my shoulders anymore.

The book course I’m currently doing has helped me a lot. One chapter really stood out to me, where the author says you can’t expect to move forward if you have one foot in and the other foot out. My one foot is still stuck here in this situation with Scott. I can’t be with anyone else if I continue to not let go of this person and this situation. The Scott I have created in my head doesn’t exist. Somehow over the years, maybe as a coping mechanism idk, I have envisioned Scott in my mind as this really great person who I can have a beautiful life with, but he’s a fake, a phony, an imposter. All this time I have been afraid of losing this person who isn’t real. And when I look back at the moments I’ve had of breaking down this past year, it was never really about losing Scott. I’ve mourned the Scott in my head, I’ve mourned the potential of and with him, I’ve mourned letting go of something I’ve held onto for so long, I’ve mourned a future that will never exist even if I stay in this with him. I’ve mourned for myself, how I’ve been treated, how I’ve constantly sacrificed myself for someone who never even gave me a fraction of what I gave them. It’s time for me to let all of that go for good. In the chapter I mentioned above, the author also says “You have to be okay with not knowing. You have to be okay with having nothing”, and up until now, I’ve been repeating that but struggling with fully implementing it. But I’m ready. Today I woke up and I knew that I was ready and I know that next Friday is the day I break this off for good. I can’t explain how I know, I just do. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that it is better than this. I know that having nothing is better than having something terrible that I don’t even want anyway. Having nothing at least gives me the space in my life to one day let someone new in. Having nothing is more comforting than having someone who will only ever take from me and not care when they bleed me dry. Having nothing can be good.

I tend to get stuck sometimes in these places, but I always eventually move forward. I can’t ever stay stagnant, I can’t ever settle for things I don’t want. I always need to be moving forward. I’m just built that way. Life always has it’s moments of uncertainties, and some people are too afraid of that and let it stop them from pursuing better. I’ve always moved through those uncertainties. It might take me a bit, I might hesitate, but I always eventually make my way through. I kind of picture it as me standing on the edge of a cliff, and it’s windy and it’s cold and I’m miserable being there. I can’t turn away from the cliff, because there’s nothing behind me, there’s nowhere else I can turn to; I have to either stay standing on that cliff edge or jump into the water below. I’m always going to jump. I know the water is rough, and I don’t know where the waves will carry me off to, but I know that taking that chance is better than spending the rest of my life on that cliffside.

I’ve been writing a lot lately - I guess you could call it “poetry” - and I’m cycling through old traumas so that I can bring them back up, deal with them, and finally heal. It’s a lot to unpack, and many things I completely forgot about are resurfacing, which I guess technically is good since that’s what I want, but it’s still difficult at times to deal with. Writing has always been super cathartic for me, like when I write (or type) something out, it leaves me and transfers over to something else, whether that’s a screen or a piece of paper. It’s a really useful tool that has always aided me in finding healing and relief. Me going back through things I’ve never fully processed or healed has been tough but it’s necessary. The downside to me always being the type of person who continuously moves forward is that sometimes I don’t fully heal things that happened before I start moving forward again. Maybe that is somewhat normal though, as a lot of people tend to do healing as they move along or somewhere far into the future. But anyway, the poem I’m on now is about my first serious relationship that I was in from ages 18-20. It was an awful, toxic, abusive relationship, and looking back on that time now, I never really fully processed just how awful that time was for me. It took me many months of distancing myself from him and sitting and reflecting on my life to finally decide that I wanted to move on. I had an eating disorder at the time as well, and I was tired of spending my life being miserable and abused, not just by others but also by myself. I wanted more. So I left him and also decided to fully recover. Things weren’t easy and they actually got even harder for a bit. I still lived with my abusive mother and then 5 months after I ended my relationship, I was raped. I was unmedicated for all of my mental illnesses. I almost dropped out of school because it was all so much. I was just trying to build my life and myself back up from the darkest depths of despair and I really have no idea how I did it. Whenever I felt like giving up, I’d repeat to myself, “Keep going” and then I would be like, “Oh yeah, that’s right, I have to keep going.” It was such a small, simple reminder, but it helped me so much. I took things minute-by-minute and day-by-day; that was the only way I could get through everything. I’ve been thinking about that time in my life, a little over a decade ago, and I’m looking at my past self and she’s reminding me that I’ve survived worse. I’ve survived so much worse. That young woman and the choices she made started me on this path to make a better life for myself. It was still super rocky at times, I still struggled with other things along the years, but I am here now, age 31 and still going. I remember when I turned 30 how I cried because when I was younger I never thought I would live to see my thirties. I thought I’d be dead by now, but I’m not. That’s why when people say, “Ah I’m so old” when they’re actually not, it ruffles my feathers a bit. Some people never even make it past childhood, past their teen years, past their 20′s. Getting older is a goddamn privilege. But I get it, society has had a huge part to play in telling us we’re old even when we’re not. I had to unlearn that a bit too when I was younger and I’m glad I did. I am so, so lucky to still be here.

I was actually touching on some of these points with my friend yesterday. I could have died several times in my life, but I didn’t. It wasn’t my time yet and I’m grateful for that. My friend felt the same, as he did a lot of drugs when he was younger, especially cocaine. I didn’t mention my suicide attempt to him but I did talk about my mental illnesses, which he already knew about, and expanded upon how some people die from having an eating disorder for only a few months, and I struggled for years with mine. It got me thinking as I drove home about my suicide attempt too. I still remember the doctor coming in and talking to me. He had a very gentle voice that was full of concern. He told me that the amount of pills I took with the amount of alcohol I drank could have been lethal, and he was even surprised at how fast my body was recovering from what I just did to it. He said if I had taken Tylenol instead of ibuprofen that he wouldn’t be sitting there talking to me. I remember thinking, “Oh yeah, I knew that.” A few years prior, when I was in my abusive relationship, I had considered suicide and did a lot of research on what type of pills or pill combinations would be enough to kill me. I found out Tylenol could kill you if you took enough of it. I just hadn’t consciously remembered that piece of information thankfully. On my way home from school on the day I attempted suicide, I remember standing in the Walgreens and I had the ibuprofen in one hand and Tylenol in the other, both extra strength. I decided to put the Tylenol back because it was more expensive (not that it really mattered if I was going to die, but idk, that was just what I ended up basing my decision on). I didn’t know it at the time, but when I put the Tylenol back on the shelf, that was the moment I had decided to live. I took 97 pills out of 150 with 3/4 of a bottle of a vodka and Moscato mix (I don’t remember the mL, but it was a pretty big bottle). I remember when I was sitting on the floor taking the pills, my cat Jewel came over and laid on my lap, purring. This past January, 8 years and one day later from my attempt, Jewel was on my lap and we put her to sleep to ease her suffering. She had comforted me when I needed her the most and I can only hope that in her final moments I was able to give the same to her.

Okay, so this went off in a direction I didn’t plan on it going, so back to the stuff I really want to write about. My anxiety has been pretty bad this past week as I already mentioned, though it’s now beginning to ease up. I’ve had anxiety about literally everything, including Chris. I don’t know why I’m having anxiety about him. I mean, we haven’t dated, nothing has happened aside from some texting, and I don’t even really know him. I was doing good with just leaving the situation be and trying not to put too much thought into anything. This past week has been the total opposite of all that though. I still have absolutely no clue why he gave me his number. I have my next appointment with him mid-November, which we’re almost halfway to at this point, and I think it would be awkward that he gave me his number then just didn’t utilize that, unless he moves me off his schedule and onto someone else’s to avoid any awkwardness. He literally only texted me once and snapped me once; every other time I was the one initiating. I tried to space out me reaching out as much as I could, and then I just decided to stop altogether. I don’t want to bother him if he’s not interested or is already in a relationship or dating someone. He was at least viewing my Snapchat stories here and there, but he’s stopped that now too. I’m not sure why. Idk if I did or said something wrong, if I’m not who he expected, if he doesn’t even like me as a person, or maybe any of the previous reasons I mentioned, like just being not interested, not single, or dating someone else. Maybe it’s none of those reasons; I just don’t know. I think the last Snapchat story he viewed was a selfie from a few weeks ago (pic below). Maybe he isn’t really attracted to me like he thought, or maybe he thinks I’m weird. I was experimenting with some makeup that day and was just having some fun, but maybe to him it was some type of turn-off? I’ve always struggled with “needing” people to like me, but I have improved on this a lot over the years. Now it’s shifted more to when I like someone (in general, not just romantically) I hope that they like me too. Chris is just one of those people who I hope would like me back.

To continue for a sec on the whole relationship thing, if Chris is already with someone, that’s not a man I want anyway. I was in that situation with Scott and I hated it. It caused me so much pain and in the end I realized any man who goes behind his partner’s back is not someone I want to build a life with. He wasn’t “unfaithful” in the traditional sense I guess, but he would still come into work and flirt with me all the time. I wouldn’t do that to a partner and I would also expect them not to do that to me. It wasn’t until Scott separated from his wife and I became a potential romantic prospect that I realized I didn’t trust him. It was something I never thought about when we worked together because I never thought anything would happen between us.

Okay, so back to Chris. This has all been so confusing, and I have been trying so freaking hard to stop thinking about all of this and put it out my mind. I don’t even really know him and yet, somehow he left some type of impression on me that I can’t shake. I usually don’t care much about men. I don’t worry my head about them and in general I’m just not into them that much. I’m not into women, but it’s just very rare for any guy to catch my attention, and pretty much always a guy is interested in me first before I take an interest in him. With Chris I took an interest from day one. I don’t feel like writing out everything I have previously, both in my public and private posts, as I hate being repetitive, so I’m just going to add a few new things here. When I had my second appointment, I was very on-guard, observant, looking for any red flags, any type of feeling I had or action or anything he said that would raise alarm, and there wasn’t anything. And I keep thinking, “Maybe I missed something” but I just don’t think I did. If I did somehow miss something, I don’t know how it happened, because that’s never happened before. Ignoring, yes, missing, no. I’ve also made some connections, first with comparing Chris to Scott and then realizing that it goes beyond Scott to literally every other man I’ve been with. Chris is warm where they were cold, open where they were closed, generous where they were selfish, comforting where they were distressing. And again, I don’t really know him and that is all based off of just our few brief interactions, but I can’t help feeling like I know deep down that all of that is true. I can’t find the right words to really explain that inner knowing. Yet on the flipside, my mind won’t stop questioning everything. Part of me feels annoyed that I let myself get too hopeful about all of this, another part of me is really bummed that that hope was false, and then another part of me is still holding onto that hope, telling me not to give up yet. I’m being tugged in these different directions and I really, really want my brain to just shut up because I’m tired of going in these circles trying to figure out something that isn’t figureoutable. I just keep trying to redirect my brain to the positives I got out of this: the hope that better is out there and I can move forward, I’m writing again and reading again and beginning to slowly incorporate some things I love back into my life, and this little fire I feel kindled in me to try even harder in life than I already was. Meeting Chris has certainly been a blessing, even if this is as far as knowing him ever goes.

Then sometimes I just stop myself and ask, “Am I really ready to date someone yet?” and unfortunately the answer to that is actually “no”. There are things I need to take care of still. I need to kick Scott out of my life, first and foremost. I also have to find an ADHD medication that works well for me, as I really cannot bring anyone into my apartment in the state it’s often in, which is pure and utter chaos. It looked so good when I was on the Strattera. Also, I feel like I need just a bit more time to myself. I think it was the last week of June where I got dressed up and did my makeup, went out to a café to write, and then bought myself a nice dinner. Last month I wanted to do the same thing but try out a different café, but that ended up not happening. I did take myself to the movies instead to see Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I was going to ask my one friend to go who I know didn’t see it, but I decided I wanted to go by myself. I’ve seen a majority of the Marvel movies with my dad, it was always just our thing ever since we went to see the first Iron Man together. My dad was diagnosed with cancer this year and it’s been a tough pill to swallow, especially with each new test he’s had giving worse and worse news, and they still haven’t started his treatments yet. His insurance company has also been difficult and recently denied the last test he was supposed to get done. I wasn’t sure if seeing a Marvel movie was going to be upsetting, so I decided to go by myself to cry if I needed to without having someone else there needing to worry about me. I actually ended up not crying during the movie itself, but I did cry a bit on the drive to the theater.

I’ve been thinking lately about how I’m living, and trying to pivot towards what I want. What I want is a soft life. I want a life where I feel full and whole on my own, where when someone else is ready to come in, we complement each other. There is no need for completion; we are already complete. I want a life where I’m so connected to what I’m doing, where I have my yoga every day and my studying, where I’m following my dharma completely and fully. A life where I can thrive without needing an office job anymore. I want my astrology, and friends, and leisure time, a beautiful clean home, a garden, less stuff and more moments to enjoy, less distraction more presence, less doubt and more trust. I want to be so full of love and have a life so full of love that everyone I come across can see it. I just want to enjoy as much as I can as fully as I can. I want a simple, soft life. I know there will always be difficulties, but I want a life I love so much that it overshadows anything that can ever be thrown my way. And sometimes, I see glimpses of all that and that is what my life feels like, so I know it’s possible. I know I can have that all the time. I have been trying to be less digitally connected, less online, less on my phone and more in the here and now. I’ve been doing fairly good, and I’ve been a lot more mindful of it lately. I wouldn’t say I was attached to my phone before, but it is something I’d use as a crutch, like in certain situations or just to pass the time. Now I just look around and try to engage with what’s going on around me. It’s nice.

My Vedic astrology app is always on point and supports me just focusing on myself for this time. I get updates every few weeks or so, so the focus will shift to something else then. The one I received this weekend is below.

So scary accurate. I wrote all of the paragraphs up above before even getting this notification. All of my updates are always like that. It’s crazy. It’s also weird that they even mentioned someone else in this one, especially considering how I’ve strongly felt recently that I would like for Chris to like me back. It also touches upon how I view him.

I’ve been getting back into my astrological studies and recently, the nodes of the moon shifted into Libra (south node) and Aries (north node). This transit affects me a lot as a Libra sun, and it actually represents themes I’ve really been focusing on this past year, like setting boundaries, believing in myself, and focusing on caring for myself instead of always focusing on others. There’s more than just those few things, but those are some big ones for me. I’m glad I got a head start, even though I didn’t realize at the time that this transit was coming. Also, the north node in Aries is transiting my 3rd house of communication, which means my focus now is about moving swiftly and confidently (Aries) towards connecting with others, taking time to write, pursuing my studies and taking action on what I want to achieve, etc etc. This will be a challenging time for me as a Libra, but I actually love these challenging astrological aspects. I know at the end of this transit - a year and a half from now - that I’m going to have grown so much. I thought this was weird at first that I would get excited for these challenging transits, but apparently that’s the right way to go about it. When I had my Saturn return a few years ago, I couldn’t wait for it to begin. A lot of people tend to fear their Saturn return and other difficult transits, but after mine started and I dug in a bit deeper, I learned that the best mentality to have during these times is a growth mindset and remaining positive. So that made me happy.

To end here, I’d like to just touch base on some ways I’ve been setting boundaries that I’m very proud of myself for. I’ve started implementing them with my mom, and she’s gotten mad at me for protecting myself, but then that always eventually passes. My mother doesn’t have any boundaries whatsoever, so I also grew up without any. She also doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries when they do have them. I have tried so many times to give my mom advice on things, and sometimes she kind of starts to make changes, but it doesn’t ever really last long. Recently I’ve been encouraging her to at least get on some anxiety medication, and she actually brought it up to her therapist. So me making my own boundaries has also been benefiting her a bit too. I also had to set a recent boundary with an ex. So 3 years ago he reached out to me and asked me for blowjob tips, then proceeded to tell me he already gave his friend a blowjob, and then asked me to have a threesome with them. I had to say no four times before he finally left me alone. I wondered what about me made him think I’d be interested in something like that, but then I realized he probably didn’t think about that at all and was simply asking a bunch of women he knew. I have always tried to be nice and considerate, even when others don’t give me that in return. I was firm with my “no”s but really, I shouldn’t have cared about being nice at all in that scenario. Well a few weeks back he reached out to me again in the same exact way. I know this because for whatever reason, our conversation in Snapchat from three years ago ended up being saved in there, but I remembered our conversation anyway because it’s not everyday you get asked by an ex-bf to give him blowjob tips and have a threesome with him and his friend. Anyway, as soon as he asked for bj tips I said, “I am not interested in this conversation”. He completely ignored me and kept on going. I paused for a minute and reflected on how to respond to that. Then I realized that this guy isn’t respecting me, so why should I show him any kindness? I wanted to protect myself. That was my first priority, and I don’t need to tolerate this behavior from anyone either. When I responded to him I said something along the lines of, “Whatever list you have me on, cross my name off of it. I am not interested in anything you’re going to ask me for and that’s never going to change. The answer is no and it will always be no”. His response was that he didn’t mean anything by it and he just thought I was a “cool friend”. 😑 Like, dude, we don’t even talk. I am not your “friend” and I am not stupid enough to believe some lame ass excuse. He can miss me with that bullshit cuz I blocked him 🤗 I was very proud of myself. And you know what? I didn’t even feel bad about it! Setting such a strong boundary felt so freaking nice and empowering. It’s also such an incredible feeling to see all of the growth I’ve done not only this past year but also from the past few months. I’ve come such a long way and I’m going to go even further. Self-love, self-preservation, self-confidence, self-care....it really is so essential to practice all of those things. Anyway, this is it for now, not that anyone other than me is reading this lol

#personal #chris #scott #yours truly #it took me three days to write this #🙃#also idk why i always have to start my posts off so dramatically #cuz the rest of it is always just me ranting

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