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peterstanslizzie · 4 years

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Reacting To: Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (Season 3 Episode 9)

Emilia is such a monster...

Episode Title: Prahmises

Spoiler Warning: Kindly proceed if you’ve already seen the episode or are able to handle spoilers

1. Dr. Emilia backstory? This should be interesting! We are taken back in time to when Emilia was a young woman, living with her dad and brother, Liam in a burrow (probably the same burrow Lio and Song lived in). Their dad puts immense pressure on his kids to be part of the generation that will solve the Great Mute Outbreak.

2. He is especially concerned about Liam, whom he tells Emilia to make sure he stays focused on their mission to bring humans back on top. So this is why Emilia is so determined to cure the mutes; It’s because of her dad and how he doesn’t want his kids to live underground anymore. Despite seeming like a hard-ass, I get why he’s so tough like that.

3. Back in the present day, we see Wolf stopping Scarlemagne in his tracks to inform him that she’s going to help him kill Emilia. She also sprayed some lavender air freshener to make sure Kipo won’t be able to track their scent. They reach Skyscraper Ridge where they notice that Emilia isn’t there with Hoag and Greta and assume that she’s back on her boat.

Kipo looks beautiful and Benson looks mighty dapper in his suit

4. Prahm is coming together quite nicely; Everyone is putting the finishing touches on the venue and its decorations. Some of them (including Kipo, Benson and Troy) are already dressed-up. Oooo fancy! However, Kipo is still upset that Wolf and Scarlemagne have ran off to do their thing. She wants to give Emilia a chance but everyone else feels like she isn’t capable of change.

5. Can’t they just meet somewhere in the middle? Instead of killing her, why not imprison her like I suggested in my last review? I’m sure the humans will be able to understand; They don’t seem to be that pro-Emilia anymore.

6. Song then tells Kipo of some of the things she heard Dr. Emilia say when she was a Mega Monkey. We then get a flashback of Emilia being awarded with what I’m guessing is a lead position in their burrow’s anti-mute/find-a-cure research movement. She tells Liam that she wants to get a sample from one of the mutes to develop the cure and they proceed to head to the surface.

7. They split up and eventually, Emilia manages to get a sample from a spider mute. On the other hand, we see Liam hitching a ride from Brad and Amy! He’s really friendly towards them and vice versa. After the rats drove off, Emilia confronts her brother for making friends with the mutes. He mentions after talking to Brad and Amy, they are going to build an amusement park that is a safe haven for mutes and humans. Ahhh, right! So, that’s how Ratland came to be! Too bad it’s destroyed now.

8. Liam tries to reason with Emilia by telling her that mutes and humans can co-exist on the surface together because what they were taught about mutes was wrong. Emilia then does a complete BITCH move by killing her brother in clear daylight because she doesn’t want him to get in the way of everything they’ve worked for. What the heck Emilia?! I can’t believe she killed her own brother just because he disagrees with her. And it didn’t take long for her to do that. She is messed up!

9. Not only is she a killer, she’s a liar because she goes back to the lab faking hysteria by saying that the mutes killed her brother. Girl, bye. I hope Scarlemagne/Wolf ends you.

10. Basically, what Song heard from Emilia as the Mega Monkey was that she has been lying to everyone this whole time about the mutes killing her brother when it was actually Emilia herself. What a heartless monster. Back to the present; Who the hell died and make Kipo queen? Even after this story, she’s still willing to give her a chance. WAKE UP KIPO! People are capable of changing, just not those who are willing to kill their siblings without much hesitation. Kipo literally went from wanting to drown at least 50 humans on a boat to not wanting to kill the most evil person in Las Vistas. Like can you please be more consistent?

Troy and Benson in these suits is a vision

Aww, a reunion between Label and Zane. I still remember him saving her from getting cured. That was a great moment.

Aww x2, Amy and now normal rat, Brad. Side note: she called him her best friend. I had to point this out because all this while I thought they were a couple.

11. The mutes have arrived and it’s almost time for Prahm to start. Meanwhile, Wolf and Greta are fighting each other and at first, it seems like they are evenly matched but Greta ends up kicking her butt. Ouch! Scarlemagne is working up a sweat so that he can use his pheromones to mind-control Greta. After some struggle, he manages to splatter his sweat directly onto her face. Unfortunately, Wolf knocked her out unconscious before he could ask her where Emilia is lol.

12. The other humans plus Hoag arrive at Prahm with Hoag demanding for his daughter to leave the party. She’s definitely not going to listen to him. I hope Hoag will just drop it and join Kipo.

13. Okay, is anyone else getting middle school mixer vibes here when watching the humans and mutes trying to have friendly conversations with one another? It’s sooo awkward. Kipo entrusts Dave and Benson to be like the middle-men between the two groups. Troy and Jamack are also forming a team to do the same thing. It’s going to be a competition on who can make more friendships. That sounds weird but okay.

14. Greta wakes up and instead of using pheromones, they manage to get her to reveal Emilia’s location by bribing her with pancakes. Interestingly, Greta brings up a great point by asking Wolf why she’s wearing wolf skin if she and everyone else is so positive that mutes and humans can be friends. That’s true but every individual group has its own bad apples. Humans can kill other humans too as proven by Emilia. But you don’t see humans trying to segregate from their own race lol.

15. After listening to Greta, Wolf thinks that if they kill Emilia, this might cause the humans to lose trust towards the mutes. Yes but like I said, why don’t y’all just capture her and put her in jail, just like you did with Scarlemagne? I don’t think doing that would upset the humans. Scarlemagne is actually agreeing with Wolf’s reasoning and they set Greta loose. Ugh, why? Just keep her restrained.

16. We get back to the socializing between the humans and mutes and things are going too well lol. Like I’ve said earlier, it’s super awkward. Maybe they should play a game together or something instead of trying to force conversations.

We also get a reprise of Hyun Soo and his groupmates’ catchy Kpop song feat. Doag.

17. And finally, Hoag is able to see that his daughter is happy dancing with the Korean Narwhal mutes. He then proceeds to join his daughter and dance with her. Thank goodness he changed his mind about the mutes.

Aww he turned his old blanket into a tie. Cute!

18. Wolf and Scarlemagne are now at Scarlemagne’s Court to look for some Prahm outfits left by some of his old Nobles. He is also reflecting on his past decisions and expresses to Wolf about how he regrets not going after Emilia and not trying to free Song and have a life with her, Lio and Kipo. That’s true but look at what you have now Scarlemagne! I swear, if Scarlemagne dies...I will be so pissed.

19. It’s now night-time and it looks like the mutes and humans are getting along much better. We even see Jamack dancing with the old lady, Mrs. Graham? Troy and Benson are having a cute dance of their own too. Kipo is feeling down because Wolf isn’t around to enjoy Prahm with her, especially since their song, “Heroes on Fire” is now playing.

20. But look who decided to show up at the right moment. Kipo is thrilled! Scarlemagne then gives his own speech to the mutes and humans to ask for their forgiveness. This in turn, makes the humans apologize to the mutes for the bad things they’ve done to them too:

Such a tender moment

21. Hoag then feels guilty and tells everyone that he and Emilia had sabotaged the fireworks that were just about to go off so that it will shower everyone with the cure. Phew, that was close!

So Emilia still has followers! Okay, that makes things even more complicated. I thought this whole issue can be solved simply by locking up Emilia but she’s clearly got the loyalty of some of the humans no matter what.

22. After making this revelation, Emilia and her remaining army decide to make their grand entrance. She’s even dressed for the occasion. The episode ends with Emilia setting up the fireworks to go off and they did. But the episode stops here.

23. 1 more episode left! Ughhh, I’m so sad that it’s all coming to an end. But I’m looking forward to see how this whole show is going to end. I hope I’ll be satisfied with the ending. We shall see tomorrow for when I will post my review of the SERIES FINALE episode! Thanks for reading! Bye!

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navalcriminalimagines · 6 years

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Carisi’s Wedding, part 1.

This will be a two parts things don’t worry! I really hope you enjoy it!! ❤️

“Hi dolly, how u doing? I’d like to call soon, tell me when it’s possible? Sooner the better, please. Take care!”

You have been in Japan for about 3 months now, for work. You barely had news from your best friend-ex-first love Dominick Carisi Jr so you knew this was important. You texted back through WhatsApp to let him know that you can take a break right now if he wanted. You are a customizer, makeup artist in movies, series and also theater, since you are 20 years old. You kept traveling since then, which prevent you from having a real life, especially not a serious relationship. This is actually the only reason you aren’t married to Dominick right now.

It was 10pm in Osaka, Japan so it was 8am in New York. Shortly after you texted him, Dominick called you.

“Hello Junior,” you smiled through the phone. You heard him laugh. Only you always called him Junior.

“Hi dolly. How’s Japan?”

“Exhauting but wonderful. Still on set right now actually,” you said as you watched over you, seeing the set, the staff, the actors. Your job, your love. “How things in New York?”

“Good, good. Uhm...” he stopped. He had something to say but couldn’t figure it out how to say it.

“What’s going on, Dominick?”

“Would it be possible for you to come home for a few days in a month?” he finally asked.

“Depends on why- why?”

“My wedding.”

When those words came to your ears, your heart stopped. Your legs gave up on you. You had to sit on the ground, in the middle of nowhere. Your first love, the only one you ever loved is getting married. Not with you. You knew he was dating that girl the last time you came to New York. He looked happy and in love but how could you imagine him getting married to her? Or any other girl? And he is invited you to see that. To see your Dominick giving his vows to someone else.

“Y/N? You still there?”

“Y-y-yes. Uhm, I’m not sure I- can take a few days- off,” you did your best to hold your tears and breath normally. But Dominick knows you better than anyone.

“I want you with me, Y/N. I know it’s kinda irrational, surely weird to ask for your presence. But- I can’t imagine that day without you,” you could hear in his voice it was hard for him too.

“Can I have a few days to think about it?”

“Sure. I need an answer before next Friday if that’s okay to you?”

“Will do my best, Dominick. I’ve got to go, bye.”

You didn’t want to sound mad to him but you couldn’t take it anymore. When you hang up, your broke down in tears, right there on the ground, in the middle of a foreign country. Did you make good decisions in your life? Are you where you want to be? You aren’t sure about anything right now.

After you built yourself up, you had to call Rafael. He became your friend when you met him a few months ago.

After spending five months in California, you were back in town. You expected to rest at your family house with your dad but when you got into your bedroom, you were surprised how it looked. Your father’s new girlfriend and her kids moved in. Her teenage daughter literally moved in your room. You needed a place to stay for a few weeks, that’s why you went to Dominick’s work place. He was surprised to see you but always happy.

“Can I take you out for lunch?” You asked, happy to be around him again.

“Huh, I can’t right now. Raincheck?”

“Yeah sure. Tell me when,” you tried not to look disappointed.

“Will call you, okay?”

“Alright. But can I ask something quickly?”

“Always, tell me?”

“Do you mind if I stay at your place a few days? Dad literally threw me out.”

“Gosh, seriously?” Dominick nervously rubbed the back of his head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Y/N-“ you looked at him, confused. It never was a bad idea before. What did change? “I have someone. And accommodating my ex wouldn’t be nice. Especially you, ya know?”

Of course you know. Every time you are in town, the two of you end up together. Like a real couple. Do things together, go on dates, you stay at his place, have pretty good sex. He was your first, when you were 17. Your dad hired him when he was a student to help you with school. You fell in love the first hour with that tall blond and blue eyed student. Since then, you never stopped loving him and neither did he, but life chose different things for you. You kept traveling for you work and you are at least four months by year in New York. That’s not how a relationship can work and you both agreed on this. So you stayed friends. Best friends, but who keeps going back together like magnet. It happens every time. But not this one, apparently. You agreed and sadly walked out of the precinct. But when you turned in the hallway, you literally walked through someone and splitted his coffee all over his suit. Embarrassed like you never were before by his look, you apologized about 10 times.

“Officer, give that to Lieutenant Benson for me.” The dark haired man handed something to that officer.

“Going to do it right now, counselor,” the officer smiled. Damn, a lawyer. You probably ruined his day and it was just noon.

“Is there something I can do?” You asked, still embarrassed. “Buy you a new one? Drive you somewhere?”

“My shirt cost more than your entire dressing. But yeah, you can drive me to my office, before I get ridiculous in front of everyone.”

You were impressed by this man at first, but when you got stuck in the traffic on the way to the courthouse, you started to feel better around him. Finally, you gave him a sweater so the two of you could lunch in a nice restaurant. And by the end of the meal, you found a place to stay. Rafael’s apartment. You stayed his roommate for two months after that, which made Dominick pretty jealous and mad. But you were dating Rafael unlike him, who was dating some girl.

“Hola guapa,” Rafael answered.

“Rafi, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Carisi called you.”

“Damn right he did. And guess my surprise.”

“I know. Things got pretty quick here and I thought it was better for you to hear it from him,” Rafael was right and you weren’t mad at him. But mad at yourself, at Dominick, at her, at life.

“He wants me to be at his wedding, how can I do that?”

“Listen, whatever you choose, I’ll be there, next to you. You know that, right?” You found comfort in his voice.

“I know but- Rafa, it’s him. And- They aren’t even dating for over a year.”

“Yeah but the baby speed up everything” Your heart stopped a second time.

“The-the baby?” You almost yelled through the phone.

“Damn it,” Rafael sighed. “He didn’t mention that part, apparently,”

“Fuck no! He didn’t!”

“I’m sorry, y/n”

“I’ve got to go Rafael,”

You hang up again. And cried even more. Wedding and a baby. This was supposed to be you. To be your life.

A few days after, you texted Dominick to let him know that you couldn’t be there for his wedding because of work. It was a lie. You just couldn’t stand that idea. Him getting married and having a kid. Unfortunately, this answer were not accepted. Dominick called. His sisters too. Even his ma. They all begged you to come. So you did.

“Promise me you won’t let my hand go,” you said to Rafael as the two of you were having a drink at his place. The wedding is tomorrow, you are staying at Rafael’s apartment and you didn’t see Dominick yet. You were too scared about your reaction.

Rafael took your hand in his large one and squeezed it. “I promise, I’ll be your shadow.” You put your head on his shoulder and hold his arm.

“I want him to be happy, you know?”

“I know. I’ve been there before.”

“Yeah, and you never had a serious relationship since then. Not a pleasant perspective.”

“I just didn’t want to. But if you want to, you’ll find someone to marry,”

“Ew. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to fall in love again.”

Rafael moved to the side to make you facing him. He put his hands on your cheeks and locked his eyes in yours.

“I felt the same way, y/n. And look at me right now. I’m a lonely lawyer, my job is everything to me. I’m cynical, a sarcastic pain in the ass. I should have fight. Fight against myself, against my feelings, my fears. Because right now, I don’t even remember what it is to love and be loved. And damn, it’s hard to leave that way. Don’t do the same mistake,” Rafael never opened himself like this before, with anyone. Since you two met, he felt like he was facing his girl twin. You’ve been through same stuff, your reactions are the same, you think the same way.

“Can I ask something?”

“Sure.” He let go your face and took his glass to drink.

“Did you ever love someone else after Yelina? I mean, even if nothing happen. Did you love someone else since your heart broke?”

Rafael nervously laughed in his glass. “I did,” he confessed.

“And why aren’t you dating her? Did you try something?”

“We got pretty close, we still are actually. But her heart belongs to someone else, and I don’t want to lose her, so I keep that for myself.”

“So she’s still in your life, right?”

“Yup, and I want her to stay in it.”

“So, you are asking me to keep fighting and not giving up while you gave up yourself. It’s what, do what I say, not what I do?”

Rafael laughed. That’s exactly what it is. “And what? You want me to tell that girl I love her? That I miss her when she is away? That I wish she loved me the way she loves her ex? That when she is next to me, I just want to hold her, kiss her, comfort her, make her feel safe?” His eyes were deeply looking into yours. “Not going to happen.”

“Why not, Rafael?”

“Not to have my heart broken another time?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Here we are. I don’t want either.”

The bottle of scotch you opened two hours ago was already empty, so Rafael got up to get another one. He poured himself a drink and another one for you. “To us. Broken souls,” you raised your glass and cheered with him.

By the end of the night, you and Rafael were definitely drunk. Dominick tried to call you a few times but you shut it down every time. You didn’t want to hear from him, to hear about his wedding tomorrow. Alcohol and Rafael made you feel good. It was ephemeral of course but you didn’t care. You didn’t care about anything. That’s exactly why you end up deeply kissing Rafael. He was as drunk as you and didn’t want to push you away, because he dreamt about it so many times. His living room quickly became a mess, with empty bottles and glasses, clothes everywhere and two naked body having sex right on the carpet. That’s also how you and Rafael fell asleep. Right here on the floor, in the middle of his apartment with just a blanket over your two drunk and naked bodies.

#law and order svu #svu fanfiction #svu imagine #rafael barba #svu fic #rafael barba x reader #raul esparza #fanfic #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x you #barba x reader #rafael barba fic #rafael barba fanfic #sonny carisi fic #sonny carisi x reader #sonny carisi imagine #sonny carisi #dominick carisi #dominick carisi jr

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swiftpng · 5 years

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❥ — get to know me task.

“I wanna be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate, not the things I'm afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that you are what you love.”

tw: mentions of cancer, food, sexual assault.

does your celebrity have any nicknames? She does indeed have a few nicknames. Her brother calls her Teffy, but her friends call her anything from T, Tay, T Swift, T Swizzle, or Tay Tay. Though, she’ll admit she thinks Tay Tay makes her feel like she’s twelve years old. A select few will call her a snake, but Taylor wears that nickname like it’s a badge of honor.

is there a certain smell that takes your celebrity back to their childhood, really remind them of ‘back home’? The smell of fresh snow on the ground always brings back nostalgic memories for Taylor, because it reminds her of when she was a little girl. Her favorite days were when school was called off and she would play around on her family’s Christmas tree farm with her brother, playing make believe.

what would you say is your celebrity’s most prominent physical feature? Definitely her cheekbones. She has very defined cheekbones that are noticeable when she’s smiling. But… she also has very long legs that she loves to show off. She used to hate being so lanky and tall, and just wanted to blend in but now she’s more than happy to slip on a pair of high heels and show off her toned legs that she worked so hard for.

would you say that your celebrity leads with their heart or their head? do their emotions get the best of them, or are they controlled? A mix of both, definitely. From a career/business perspective, she leads with her head with every decision that she makes. Taylor holds a lot of determination. She always finishes whatever she sets her mind to. There’s no stopping her, no matter what it comes to. Before she got signed, she performed at open mic nights and various community talent shows almost every weekend. It’s how she actually got discovered by her former label, Big Red Machine. And even before that, she got signed by another label, RCA, when she was a pre-teen but decided to risk everything and walk away because she knew she wasn’t going to be happy there if she stayed. Whenever an A&R guy would tell her his opinion, she would stand her ground and do what she wanted to do. There’s been times when her heart gets the best of her and she winds up doing something spontaneous like writing a letter to Apple about paying artists fairly. And her heart is definitely what leads her in love and relationships. It doesn’t take much for Taylor to get attached to people. Although she has been more careful about wearing her heart on her sleeve these days, she still does get attached way too easily. She gets invested in her friends’ emotions, treats fans like family, and worries about individuals day in and day out even if they aren’t thinking of her. She tries to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship with them, but sometimes her heart gets in the way and she jumps in without looking. Most of the time she has her emotions on lock because she knows there’s nothing worse than a screaming match about who can scream the loudest, so she tries to speak in a neutral tone when she’s in an argument. When she was younger, she used to play dangerously along the lines of gaslighting herself because she didn’t know if what she was feeling was valid or not. She used to have a tendency to forget that she's allowed to express how she feels. She had tried one-too-many times to suppress any sadness or anger. She could never remember that it is okay to feel how she feels and focus on her issues. She used to blindly disregard herself, but after everything that’s happened in her life she needed to learn and program it in her brain that she is valid. Taylor is someone who freezes when she’s feeling something that makes her uncomfortable, and then a few minutes later she knows how she feels. In the moment, though, she has a whole conversation with herself on whether she’s overreacting or if she’s perfectly valid for feeling the way she does. Before, she would either say the exact thing on her mind, or she would stay silent and then go over what she wanted to say when she had the chance at a later time. As she’s gotten older, she’s been able to say how she feels in a way that doesn’t feel combative or like she’s trying to start something unnecessary. Now, she’s very straightforward. If she feels a certain way, she lets it be known, regardless of the consequences that might arise from it. This is in every aspect of her life, not just petty things. If she’s interested in someone romantically, she’ll make it obvious without any regrets or reservations. Plus, when she’s feeling something intense like heartbreak or happiness, she writes about it in a poem, a song, or her journal. She gets through everything by writing about her feelings, and it helps her process them by doing that.

is there anything special or unique about any of your celebrity’s names? were they named after anyone? did the name have specific inspiration? Taylor Alison Swift is a pretty simple name, but it holds a lot of meaning. Taylor, her first name, comes from the legendary James Taylor. Her parents raised her on his music, so it’s cool to her that she’s named after someone who shaped her artistry. And getting to perform with him a couple of times means a lot to her. Taylor gets her middle name from her aunt Alison, and lastly, her last name is Swift. A name she got from her dad, of course.

what makes your celebrity feel insecure? Award shows or performing in front of people who will judge her for her live performances. While she knows she’s not the best vocalist in the industry and has not sought out to be the best singer of all time, she still wants to give her all when she’s performing and will overthink all of her performances before, during, and after them. She’s her own biggest critic and knows that she can improve with each performance that she does. Whenever she hears herself miss a note or forget the lyrics, she’ll tear herself apart and will obsess over it. She’ll put on a mask and give thanks whenever someone says she did fine, but deep down she’ll think about it until her next performance.

does your celebrity have any tattoos or piercings? Tattoos, no. When she was a teenager she really wanted to get a small heart tattooed on her foot, but her dad influenced her against it. She’s happy she listened to her dad. Piercings, yes. She has her two earlobes pierced, but she doesn’t have anything else on her body pierced. Even though she has no tattoos and minimal piercings, she thinks they’re extremely cool and an awesome way for self expression.

got any pets? if your celebrity has pets, tell a little bit about them; if not, what kind of pet would they like to have, or why don’t they have any? She does have pets! Three cats to be exact. While growing up, Taylor had her fair share of pets, and most of them were dogs. It wasn’t until she was in her early twenties that she got her first cat, Meredith, who is named after the iconic Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy. The second cat she has is Olivia Benson, who is named after Olivia Benson from Law & Order: SVU. Those two are both Scottish fold cats. The most recent cat that Taylor adopted is Benjamin Button, named after the F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. Benji is the one she fell in love with at first sight after meeting him during her Me! shoot. Meredith is a bit snooty and has an attitude, but when she likes you she’ll let you pet her and cuddle her for as long as she lets you. Olivia just wants you to love her, while Benji doesn’t care as long as he has your attention. Meredith is coordinated and sophisticated but loves you fiercely when she decides to. Olivia walks into walls, drools, and flops around, but is ready to love you at first sight. Benji is a mix between the two. He loves to have his own space, but he also loves to be held like a baby and treated like a king.

what does it take for someone to be ‘unlikable’ to your celebrity? what’s the final straw that makes them give up on someone? For Taylor, she judges people mostly on their moral code. The people she wants in her life are people who have and regularly exercise loyalty, empathy, understanding, honesty, trust, and open communication. If you betray your friend, talk about them badly when they’re not around, degrade them for any reason, or talk down to them, she has no interest in keeping you in her life. She’s been known to give second chances to people who never deserved them, and it bit her in the ass. She can’t stand when people use or take advantage of their so called friends. If you’re in her life, it means you both have a mutual respect of one another.

how would you describe your celebrity’s sense of style? Taylor has always been a person who loves to experiment with fashion. For her, it’s a form of self expression and she loves to represent herself through it. Her style isn't limited to one thing, it’s actually pretty much all over the place. Some days she'll wear pastel colors or all black, or a mix of color. It really just depends on how she feels during the day. In addition to that, she loves to go through phases. She went from cowboy boots to Oxfords to high heels. She went through the phase of loving vintage dresses to the phase of loving crop tops. She may not always top the best dressed lists every week, but she loves to wear what she thinks is cute and fun and shows her style. When it comes to performing, she likes to wear outfits that are easy to perform in. Taylor's stage outfits are generally very short and shiny, so it's easy to dance in. There’s some skin showing, but not too much. Over the years, her main collaborators for stage outfits have been designer Jessica Jones, along with her main stylist Joseph Cassell.

what is the most positive and supportive relationship that your celebrity has in their life? Her mom. Taylor’s mother is her best friend, and she tells her everything. They talk every day and see each other almost every day. Taylor’s mom has seen and heard it all, whether it’d be about a break up, a career setback, or just how her day is going, she knows it all. Taylor’s mom is like her personal therapist, and she’d be lost without her. Her mom is her everything. A few years ago, her mom was diagnosed with cancer. Taylor was ready to give everything up and stay with her mom. In fact, she insisted, but her mom’s insistence that she go chase her dreams and tour around the world was stronger. She is scared that something will go terribly wrong, and suddenly the cancer will multiply a lot faster and take over her mom’s body, while she’s somewhere else in the world. Taylor’s priorities have changed a lot through the years, which is why she’s been spending more time with her family rather than doing year long tours. She wants to take advantage of all the time she has with her mom while she’s able to. She’s just so grateful for her support and knows that not everyone has a strong bond to their mom like she has with hers.

how does your celebrity see themselves vs. how others see them? When Taylor looks into the mirror or thinks about how she sees herself, she sees a woman doing what she loves. A woman who is happiest when she’s on stage. A woman who is most at peace when she’s writing, and most alive when she’s performing. A woman who’d do anything for her fans, and still can’t believe she has fans. A woman who wants to change the world. A small town girl who wants to inspire at least one person who’s struggling, because if she can make it this far, so can they. She thinks of herself as someone who holds onto hope. Even when she’s unhappy, she does all she can to prevent others around her to feel the same. She’s an open optimist but a closeted cynic. She doesn’t always know what she wants but she knows what she needs. She’s a woman who sees the beauty in all of the little things. She loves to love, and she has a lot of it to give away. She appreciates all the little favors and remembers every single polite thing someone has ever done for her. She forgives (most of the time) but never forgets; a strong believer in a moral code. She’s filled with affection and passion. She does her best to be as impartial as possible, just wanting the best for everyone no matter the cost. She puts others first, and forgets that she too could use the help of others. She’s the calm after the storm or the storm herself. She has the potential to be so much more than she sees, but she’s clouded by her own insecurities, and doesn’t know how to get rid of them. She’s very aware of how others see her. They may paint her out to be a manipulator, a liar, and a bitch but she knows how the people she loves see her. She knows that she’s not the conniving woman that most people think she is, and hopes that people can see who she truly is. She’s someone who loves with all of her heart and is fiercely loyal to her friends and family. While others may see her as someone who loves feuds and drama, Taylor thinks of herself as just someone who stands her ground and doesn’t take shit from anyone. Love her or hate her, you can’t deny that she’s a lover and someone who feels with everything in her. Mostly, she wants to be thought of as being a kind person, someone who is trying to see the best in other people. She wants people to know she is really trying in everything and anything she does, and she wants to be a bright and glowing presence in someone’s life.

did your celebrity have a conventional upbringing and family life, or live life outside the box? Growing up, she had a very conventional life. She was born and raised in a small town in Pennsylvania, and she had a pleasant childhood there. It was a nice upbringing, and she wouldn't change it for the world. Her dad was a stockbroker while her mom stayed at home, and Taylor’s parents never had to worry about any financial issues. Once Taylor realized her dreams of being a singer-songwriter, her entire family packed up and moved to Tennessee. Even though she’s now spent most of her life away from Pennsylvania, she considers it her home state.

education; how far did your celebrity go with it, and did it help them land where they are in life right now? She has an education all the way up to a high school diploma. She actually didn’t go to her graduation ceremony as she had an award show that night, so she had her diploma mailed to her. She’s been fortunate enough that she didn’t need to go to university since she started her career as a teen. Still, she sometimes wonders what it’d be like to go back to school and get a degree in something.

is your celebrity a planner, or into spontaneity? When it comes to her career and business ventures, she definitely plans everything and thinks about everything. Now, being able to own any new music that she makes, she feels like she’s able to record and release songs whenever she wants to. In her personal life, she loves spontaneous plans. Calling up a friend and just driving all night long or flying to a different country for a day and exploring it always sounds like a good time to Taylor.

introvert or extrovert? how has that hurt or helped them on their current life path? Extrovert all the way. Put her in a room with someone and she can guarantee you that she’ll be able to find a way to connect with them. She gets it from her dad since he’s a talker, too. Taylor’s never one to shy away from introducing herself to people and she loves meeting new people. It’s definitely helped her career because she’s been able to make herself relatable to her fans and build a connection with them. Her social skills have helped her make good (and sometimes bad) connections in the industry.

what is your celebrity’s outlook on love? do they believe in soulmates? love at first sight? monogamy? Taylor has way too many thoughts on love as a hopeless romantic, but she thinks it’s a terrifying risk that is completely worth it. And that stands true regardless of what kind of love it is. For her, love is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, things in this world. There’s nothing like love – the pure joy, happiness, just complete elation. Being on cloud nine is the best feeling in the world. And yes, love also has its down sides and they’re some of the hardest downs. When you crash and burn from love, it really hurts. It’s the most agonizing heart-wrenching pain, but the fact that you can feel that type of emotion is something so special, too. The fact that you cared so deeply about someone and someone cared that deeply about you is really special. Love is a very sacred thing to Taylor and one of her biggest wishes is that everyone in this world experiences it at least once. Because even when it sucks, love is such a beautiful thing and worth having and fighting for. Now when she thinks about romantic love, the first few words that come to mind are: golden, pure, respect, adoration, connection, empathy, light, indescribable. Love is the ultimate beauty in all its best forms, and romantic love is no exception. There is the first glance feeling, the breathlessness of state change. You think you’re fine by yourself and then they come and ruin everything. There is fear and worry but the instant you’re with the person you love? You let go (of your fears and your ghosts). It’s a breath of fresh air you didn’t know you needed. It’s like the feeling of rediscovering all of your favorite songs, again and again and again. It’s being enchanted at the first meeting and being enchanted forevermore. It’s not that your life will become a fairytale because it won’t. You’ll both have days when the world is dark and your minds are cruel and your soul aches. You’ll both make mistakes. You’ll both be human. But the feeling of golden warmth in your heart that you thought would fade away stays and makes itself at home. And they stay. And they love you, too, because they’re here for every part of you just as you are for every part of them. And it’s easier than you ever dreamt possible and it’s lighter than air and you’ll never know how you got so damn lucky. It’s golden, it’s pure, it’s respect, it’s adoration, it’s light, it’s indescribable. It’s love. That’s what love is to Taylor. Maybe it's because she reads too many romantic books and watches too many rom-coms, but that's what she fantasizes about. Does she believe in soulmates? To an extent, yes. She thinks that two people could be connected so deeply that no one else in the world could understand their bond like they do. It’s a cool concept to think telepathy is real and it exists between soulmates, platonic or otherwise. She thinks it’s fun to believe in things like fate and soulmates and all of those things that are guided by some invisible force greater than we as humans. She believes in love at first sight, but knows that that kind of love is most likely disguised as infatuation that slowly turns into love. Love requires a mutual, deep intimacy and understanding amongst all parties. It’s complex, and doesn’t just happen within a first sight.

who would your celebrity give their life for? Her family, for sure. The love they give her is unconditional and the moments she shares with them are always in her heart. Whether she’s laughing, crying, or whatever it may be, they’re what keeps her together. Her friends are also people she would give her life for. They’re another source of what keeps her together. Her friends back home (the ones she managed to keep over the years) and the ones she’s met through the industry are what made her days brighter despite the dark clouds that loomed over her head during a dark period in her life. She’s thankful for them every single day and for the new friends she hopes to make. When she went through the #taylorswiftisoverparty in 2016, she had a phase where she was extremely upset and kept thinking she didn’t have any friends left. But she was so wrong. She’d never been more wrong about anything. Selena, Blake, Ryan, along with the friends she’s made here in Bayview like Delta, Melissa, and Daisy have become more than friends and more like her family. It’s those people she’d do anything for and she knows are also there for her no matter what.

when it comes to forgive and forget, how fast is your celebrity to do either of those things? one over the other? or hold grudges forever? Over the years, she’s learned that you don’t have to forget and you don’t have to forgive to move on from something. You can move on from a situation without any of those things happening. She usually lets things go, but it’s always going to be there in the back of her mind as a reminder of what they’ve done to her. As for holding a grudge, it depends on the severity of the wrongdoing, most of the time she’s just relieved that the person revealed their true colors so she can go on without their negative presence in her life. The media has been known to spin a feud of hers into something of a spectacle, and paints her as someone who overreacts and doesn’t leave things be. In reality, it’s mostly the other party who can’t keep her name out of their mouth and she just lives her life peacefully. But if she has to defend herself then she will.

any certain spot in bayview that your celebrity goes to when they need to clear their mind, cheer themselves up, just get into a better mood? Bookends, definitely. Just being surrounded by books is an oasis for Taylor. Whenever she needs time to herself or needs to brighten up her day, she’ll pop over to the little bookstore, grab a bite to eat, and sit in one of the chairs with an old book in her hand. She frequents the place so much that she’s on a first name basis with all of the staff and they all know her order by heart. It’s one of her favorite little corners of Bayview.

who is your celebrity’s role model or hero? is there any specific reason for that, or are they just someone they look up to? Ethel Kennedy. She inspires Taylor to embrace the unpredictable side of life, to find delight in every new experience. Ethel herself has taught Taylor that to really live, you have to jump in, you have to take chances. You have to embrace the unpredictability of life instead of fearing it. Meeting Ethel herself was really one of the rare times Taylor has been starstruck, and getting to spend some time with her has been one of the biggest highlights of her life.

does your celebrity have any secrets? anything that they would absolutely hate for anyone to find out about them? Hm, Taylor would say there’s a lot that people don’t know about her, naturally, because she can’t talk to everyone that knows her name. However, a secret of hers would be that maybe that she’s not as put-together as she comes off. She’s noticed that a lot of people approach her with the assumption that she’s a well-rounded, deeply intellectual person with some strong grasp on the path of her life when she’s just another person trying to figure things out like anyone else. A bit boring, but true! But… we all have our demons, don’t we? Things that weigh us down, despite the optimism we may have. And one of her fears that she doesn’t want anyone to know is that she’s scared that she is going to end up all alone someday. Whether it’s romantically or platonically, Taylor is scared that she’ll never be good enough, or really that people will realize that she isn’t good enough and just leave her. She’s had it happen before, and she’s scared that all the noise in her life will make them leave one way or another.

it’s a gala night and your celebrity has to dress up; are they way into it, or counting down the hours until they can put sweats back on? Taylor definitely loves to dress up for a night and get all glammed up, but she’ll pack an extra pair of shoes so she doesn’t have to worry about her feet hurting all night. There are times where she has to force herself to get the motivation to sit in a makeup chair and get ready, but she usually thinks it’s all worth it once the night is over.

when it comes to your celebrity’s love life, how do they feel about it? are they happy? Taylor’s notorious for loving love. It’s her brand, quite literally. If I could give an example of how Taylor feels about her love life, it would be equivalent to how Jenny Slate explains in her book when she says, “I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” because Taylor wants love so much that she doesn’t know what to do with herself sometimes and she feels like it might not be in the cards for her. I always picture Taylor being like Lara Jean from the TATBILB series because she’s always been the girl who daydreams about finding ‘the one’, and what true love might really be. She feels too much and sometimes thinks that’s her vice. Despite all of this, though, she’s really, really happy with her love life. She has her friends, and finds romance in that. She loves her independence and isn’t going to sacrifice it for just anyone. If she does fall in love, the most important thing is that who ever she falls for has a special kind of connection with her. She wants to feel a spark, but creating a fire takes some time so she’ll wait. She has some patience. And honestly, it’s easy for her to fall for someone -- she can fall in love with anything. She falls in love with the way the sun shines into her room every morning, she falls in love with the flowers in the yard, the smell of fresh rain… she falls in love with the sound of people’s voices, their faces, their interests, just everything. Whoever she falls for has to put up with her just loving… everything. She’s probably in love with at least one quality about everyone. Taylor’s a lot to put up with, she loves easily and she falls harder. She can be intense, like, she’s never been that deep in love with someone, but she knows she can be. She trusts too easily and she ends up getting hurt a lot of the time. She just wants someone who’s in love with her mind, her goals, her ideas… she wants them to see her in their dreams like she would see them. She’s very, very happy with her love life, but God, does she want to know what being in an actual serious, committed relationship is like.

if your celebrity had to leave the house in a rush, what three things would they grab on their way out? (people and pets excluded!) Taylor doesn’t need much when she leaves the house. She carries around a handbag, which holds just about everything she needs for the day or even for the ten minutes to two hours she’s away from her house. She can’t leave without at least these three items in her bag, and it’s really the necessities that she tosses in there. The first thing in her bag is her Iphone and portable charger. Her phone holds everything. It’s not really in her bag as it’s more in the palm of her hand instead. She tends to waste a lot of her battery very quickly, so just in case she must charge her phone, she has her handy dandy charger at her disposal. She needs her journal and a few pens because unless her phone is unavailable to use to make a note of something or write down whatever muse she’s feeling, she has her handy dandy pen and paper to depend on when she needs it most. Lastly, she always holds on to a picture of her family. Somewhere in her bag she’d have a picture of her, her parents and her brother. She wouldn’t be where and who she is without her family’s love and support, and at the end of the day she loves them more than anything and is always thankful for their strong presence in her life. She likes to be reminded of who she is and where she came from because staying true to herself, although hard, is her number one goal.

does your celebrity have any bad habits or quirks that they just can’t kick, no matter how hard they try? Not taking care of herself would be the biggest bad habit she has had. It's hard for Taylor to accept that sometimes, she needs help. She truly is independent to a fault. She is used to taking care of others and helping them that she sometimes forgets about herself. She hates feeling like a burden to someone else and takes being independent to a whole other level. Over the years, she's learned to stay off of social media when she's in a bad mood and she's learned to only value the opinions of people she cares about. She's never been to therapy, and knows she probably should, but feels as if she doesn't need to because she has her mom to talk to. Ways she takes care of herself when she's feeling down would be lighting a new candle, reading some poetry, watching a TED Talk, or painting with her watercolors. Eating what she wants when she wants is also something she's learned to do, too. She used to use food as a coping mechanism. Whenever she felt like she didn't have control in her life, she would deprive herself of basic meals so could could feel some control. These days she's been better at eating what she wants without feeling guilty and has learned to have a healthy relationship with food.

what are your celebrity’s thoughts on kids? do they want any in the future, if they don’t already have any? want more, if they do? When Taylor was younger, she used to dream of having that fantasy of a white picket fence with a family. Over the years, it’s changed a little bit. Whenever she thinks about bringing a child into this world, she worries about their privacy and how they would survive with people watching their every move. She can’t imagine having paparazzi following them around, trying to get a glimpse of them. She wants kids, for sure, but doesn’t want them to face unfair scrutiny or having cameras in their faces 24/7 just because one of their parents is “famous”.

does your celebrity have a favorite room in their home? Probably her room because it’s the only place in the world where she can be comfortable. She loves spending her days in her room just watching TV and lounging around with her cats. If she’s decided to spend time in her room, she probably has ordered some type of comfort food like Chinese or pizza, put on a face mask with her hair tied up, done some online shopping, taken a nap or just lied down, listened to some vinyls – just anything that lets her breathe and relax.

it’s a free day. completely, from morning until bed time – what would your celebrity like to spend it doing? Her perfect day would be spent with her family. She would have invited her family over to her house, letting them spend the night. In the morning, she would make them breakfast. She’d have them tour the town, and would take her mom antique shopping for a bit while her dad and brother have their own bonding time. They’d get lunch by the ocean, and then she would drive them around each neighborhood in Bayview. By dinner time, they would go out to eat somewhere in the Downtown area and then walk around the park. At the end of the day, they would go back to her house and watch a movie or play a game before they all retired to bed for the night. That sounds like a perfect day to Taylor.

to this day, what has been the hardest thing for your celebrity to come up against or overcome, whether personally or professionally? In the past thirty years Taylor has been through a lot, from a career point of view and a personal one. In her personal life, having to go to court in 2017 to face the man who sexually assaulted her was one of the hardest things Taylor has done. It was tough for her to do, and even though she spent many sleepless nights during that week, it was all worth getting the justice she deserved. From people mocking her about her body to not believing her side of the story, Taylor will never forget those who supported her during that whole ordeal. She's happy that more and more people are able to come forward with their stories despite the backlash they might get, and will always believe someone's story because she knows how hard it is to do. We all probably know what Taylor's hardest career obstacle was... the disaster of the 2016 Kimye incident. That whole year, especially that summer, was an emotional rollercoaster for Taylor and she learned so much from that experience. She was so, so scared that she wouldn't be able to make art anymore and that the 1989 era would be her last. Luckily, her fans stuck around and have always had her back. To Taylor, her fans are so important. They are the reason she's still making music to this day and the reason why she gets to present her songs to the world. As someone who has only ever dreamt of being able to share her art with others, the people who have really made it possible are the people who truly support her for it. Taylor's “fans” are more like friends, and friends to her are like family. They are people who’ve supported her for what she loves doing most and she can’t thank them enough for it.

ten years ago, did your celebrity ever think that they would be where they are now? are they happy with that spot in life? what do they hope to achieve yet in the future? At the beginning of the decade, Taylor was coming out of her teens and coming in to her twenties. If you told her that she would’ve released five albums, gone on four tours, won Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, moved to New York City, lose her curls and cut her hair short, been in more relationships that one hand couldn’t count, gotten a few cats, gone through one of the most humiliating things publicly, gone to court, and moved to Bayview all in the span of ten years, she would’ve laughed in your face. Despite all that has happened to her, she would take none of it back and is very happy with where she is in life. Taylor loves her life. Sure, there could be changes but other than that there’s nothing else she would want. She’s happy with the morals she grew up with, and happy with the people who’ve been kind to her and all of the lessons she’d learned over the years. The move to Bayview is a memory she wouldn’t trade for the world. She’s had the chance to travel and meet new people on the other side of the world. The chance to come to Bayview is a milestone in her life she would never trade. Sure, she still has issues with being away from her family, but by far it’s been one of the most amazing experiences in her life. If she didn't move to town, she wouldn’t have people she could connect to, she wouldn’t have met or befriended most of the people who lived here, and she wouldn’t know how to step out of her comfort zone and do things she never knew she needed to do. Bayview changed all of that. In the future, Taylor hopes to still be making albums, hopefully gaining back all of her masters or at least be done with re-recording all of her older albums. Maybe she’ll fall in love and raise a family of her own. Maybe she’ll write a novel about her life. Maybe she won’t be in Bayview still or maybe this is town is her forever home. The most important thing that matters to Taylor is being happy with whatever she’s doing, whoever she’s with and with herself. Because who knows what the future holds, y'know? Nothing else really matters as long as you love your life.

#( ❛ ░ ▌it’s my life so truth be told // tasks.#bviewtask #bview2019dec #wooo!!! done finally!!#also i didnt know she prerecorded her scd performance so we can say that she was still in nyc after the jingle bell ball

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leeumdarlin · 7 years

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Even Broken Things Can Be Beautiful

BIG WARNING FOR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE, PANIC ATTACKS, AND SELF-HARM!!!

Word Count: 4,216

We were late. I kept glancing at the clock on the dashboard, watching as the “:” blinked with every second. Each second that passed, I just imagine him getting angrier. It was 12:11AM, and even though I did not have a set curfew, there was always repercussions if I set foot in the house after midnight. I just hoped he was already asleep by the time I came through the door. Benson seemed to notice my anxiety and he placed a hand on my thigh. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked, his green eyes shining in the darkness of the car. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t tell him how afraid I was of going home. I couldn’t tell him that getting out of the truck and walking up the front steps was going to take every ounce of willpower I had. I could not allow him to think there was anything wrong. We had made it nine months without him suspecting anything was wrong, and I planned to keep it that way. So I just smiled. “Everything is fine. I’m just tired.” He seemed satisfied with the response even as I picked at the strings of my hoodie, biting my lip as I stared out the window. 12:16AM we rolled up to my house. I noticed the lights were on and my stomach dropped. Benson leaned in and grabbed my hand. “I had a great night,” he whispered into my hair. I flinched, but if he noticed, he did not say anything. “I did too,” I said, leaning over to unbuckle my seatbelt. I knew Benson was expecting a goodnight kiss. I could see it in his eyes. But my stomach was so knotted up I thought I was going to be sick. He leaned back, eyeing me carefully. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I nodded a little bit too enthusiastically. “I’m sure.” To prove it, I leaned over and gave him a small peck on the lips before grabbed my bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told him, hopping out of the truck and landing on the asphalt. “I’ll text you later.” Benson had long since stopped trying to walk me to my door. I could not risk him seeing us together. So for now, he just waited outside my house until I was inside. With shaking hands, I turned my key in the lock before pushing the door in. I gave Benson a wave goodbye before sliding into the house. I pressed my back against the door and listened. The light in the doorway was on, as well as the light in the kitchen and hallway. I could hear him moving around in the kitchen, slamming a glass down a little too hard and the sound of liquor filling the same glass. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If I was quick and silent, I could slip right past the kitchen and slip into my room undetected. But the house was small, and getting past the kitchen would be difficult. I hung up my bag on the hook by the door and counted to three. If I ran, it would grab his attention, so instead, I just walked fast. The carpet cushioned my steps as I slunk against the wall, trying to be as small and unnoticeable as possible. It didn’t work. “Loghan.” Ice ran down my spine and my mouth went dry. I turned to face the kitchen and saw him standing there. He was leaning against the counter, a half-full bottle of Jack Daniels behind him and a glass in his hand. As he stared at me, he brought the glass to his lips and took a swig. “Hey, Dad,” I tried my best to fake smile. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” His words were already slurred and his eyes glassy. I picked at the hem of my sweatshirt. “I was out bowling with a friend… I’m sorry I’m late. The game ran long…” “Stop mumbling excuses and get your ass over here!” I obeyed, watching my feet as I walked, clenching my fists so hard that my nails dug into my skin. I kept walking until I was right in front of him, so close I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Now where were you?” His voice was enough to make my skin crawl. His words were laced with venom and I saw his eyes darting over my face. I forced myself to look him in the eyes. “I was at the bowling alley with a friend.” “Which friend?” “Lila,” I lied, but I kept my face straight. “Hmmm,” He considered this, and for a moment, I thought I might get out of this without consequence. He grabbed my arm so suddenly, I didn’t process what was happening until his fingers were already digging into my skin. I flinched as he pulled me closer until our noses were almost touching. I could see the flush of intoxication on his cheeks and feel the warm air of his breath on my skin. His eyes were dilated yet still hyper-focused on mine. “So, you think being out with your friend is more important than respecting me and my rules?” “N-No!” I stammered, shaking my head and hoping he would release my arm soon. It was starting to ache. “You live under my roof! You will respect me and be home at a decent hour! Do you understand?” I nodded. “You think you can do whatever you want!” He boomed, and instead of releasing my arm, he dug his fingers in harder. “You think you are all grown up now and don’t have to respect me!” I shook my head, letting out a small whimper as I tried to release his grip. “That’s not true.” His grip loosened slightly and I ripped my arm out of his fingers, but then I found myself stumbling backwards as I fell to the floor. The linoleum of the kitchen floor was not kind to my bottom, and I flinched as my tailbone made contact. He towered over me now and I was swallowed up by his shadow. “So now you’re calling me a liar?” I didn’t speak. I knew how this was going to go. Saying anything was just going to make this worse. He reached down and grabbed my other arm, pulling me up so hard and rough I heard my shoulder pop. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out in pain, and ended up biting through the skin. I could taste blood, but ignored it. He slammed me against the wall, his face inches from mine, one hand still strangling my arm and one at my neck, forcing me to look at him. “You are nothing,” He said, words coated with ice. “You are nothing.” I choked on a sob, but kept my mouth shut. “You can go around and fuck with guys and be a fucking whore, but just remember you are nothing and they will never care about you. You are damaged, broken, and no one likes broken toys.” You’re wrong! I wanted to yell, but I kept my mouth shut. He always said cruel stuff when he was drunk but maybe… maybe he was right this time. What would my friends think if they knew about all this? What if they knew the real stories behind the bruises and cuts and black eyes? What would Benson think? He can never know. He can never find out I’m broken. I sagged under his grip, and he released me. I sunk to the floor and he smirked, spitting on the ground beside me. “Don’t you ever disrespect me again, Loghan. You know what happens.”

With what energy I had left, I escaped into my bedroom. I slipped out of my clothes, examining the dark red marks on my upper arms that would most definitely be bruises in the morning. Tomorrow would definitely be a long sleeved kind of day, even though it was supposed to be nice weather. I had to hide this. I had to hide the bruises and the pain and act completely normal for Benson tomorrow. He was coming to pick me up at nine, and Dad would most likely still be asleep. Even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t remember tonight. He never did. But Benson would remember. If he saw the marks and the bruises, he would ask me what had happened and I would have to lie. But I couldn’t lie to him. Benson always saw right through my fake smiles and cover-ups. He was just smart enough not the push. I knew that was going to end. Eventually he would grow tired of the lies and pry the truth out of me. And I could not have that happen, not when there was too much at stake to lose. I sat on the edge of my bed, digging my nails into the palm of my hands as I tried to focus on breathing, but the task was becoming impossible. I could feel the panic starting the settle in as all feeling left my body. Whether it was a defense mechanism or something else, I knew this feeling all too well. My body went numb, shutting down after an event like this. My mind dissociated in an attempt to protect itself. I tried to focus on breathing as I continued to dig my nails deeper into my skin until I broke through and could feel the blood. The pain helped me stay grounded, but it wasn’t enough. I took a deep breath and stood up, trying to keep myself focused on reality and not let my mind slip away into itself. It was hiding where it always was, in the far corner of the drawer under a couple pairs of socks. The blade was small, about the size of my thumb, but it was more than enough. I lowered myself to the ground, leaning back against the dresser as I sunk the blade into the skin right below my elbow. I did not need it to be deep, just enough to shock my brain back to the present. As I drug it across, my neurons slowly reawakened, but it was still not enough. I still was not feeling enough. I dropped down about half an inch and drew another line under the first one, each one about three inches wide. Beads of blood welled up on my skin, trickling down my arm but I ignored the feeling. By the third cut, I had broken out of the trance. I blinked, glancing down at the blade where I still had it pressed against my skin. I set it down on my knee, looking over my pale skin that was now streaked with red. It was not the ideal way of dealing with the attacks, but it always brought me back. With a shuddering sigh, I stood up on shaking legs and put the blade back where I kept it. Then I collapsed on my bed, too exhausted to even take off my clothes and change into pajamas. My body was shutting down, the stress and adrenaline slowly trickling away and leaving my body drained and empty. I nestled under the covers, the blood from my arm soaking into the sheets as I closed my eyes and passed out.

A loud beeping woke me up, my vision blurry as I tried to blink the fog away. When I finally realized it was my alarm, I frantically grabbed my phone and turned it off. When I glanced at the time, I realized the alarm had already been going off for eight minutes. “Shit,” I groaned, rolling onto my back and rubbing my eyes. That’s when I noticed the blood, and remembered everything from the night before. My blood ran cold as I stared at the cuts on my arm. I could barely remember putting them there, but then again, I never did. I laid in bed for a while longer, staring at the ceiling as I recalled the night before. I always made myself remember. I needed to remember. I could not let myself repress what had happened. I deserved to know what had happened, so that maybe I could prevent it from happening again. It was getting closer to nine, and I still needed to shower and get dressed before Benson got here. For the first time, I was actually regretting making plans with him. My body hurt, my head hurt, and my arms were aching. I thought about canceling, but I knew he would be concerned. He had already been suspicious last night, and I could not risk him coming here to check on me. I just had to suck it up. Before I got into the shower, I stared at my reflection in the mirror, looking at the fingerprint-shaped bruises that were scattered on my arms. They were already dark purple, curling around my arm in a way that was all too obvious about the cause. Today was definitely a hoodie day.

There was only one problem with wearing long sleeves today: it was supposed to be 74 degrees out and we were going to be outside for most of it. Benson wanted to go to the Saturday Market and then walk along the Riverfront. Which sounded amazing when he asked me to go last night. But now, I was dreading it. I pulled on the thinnest sweatshirt I owned, checking in the mirror to make sure there were no bruises peeking out that I missed, but everything was covered. My phoned buzzed as I sat back down on my bed, and I opened up the text. [Are we still on for today?] I remembered I had never texted him like I had promised. [Yeah. Sorry, I woke up late.] [No problem. I will be there soon :) ] I didn’t text back. Panic was already beginning to bubble up in my stomach and I was trying to push it down. Today was going to be a good day. I just needed to spend time with Benson so I could laugh and relax and try not to focus on last night. Benson picked me up ten minutes later, and I easily slipped out of the house as Dad’s snores filled the house. He glanced at my attire when I slid unto the front seat. “Are you sure you won’t be a little warm?” Benson asked, his brows knitting together. I shrugged. “You know I’m always cold.” Benson’s face relaxed a little bit as he pulled away from the curb. “That is true.”

The first couple hours were fine. It was still in the sixties as we meandered through the tables at the Saturday Market, looking at all the little trinkets people were selling. As always, it was huge and going to every stand was time-consuming. It was crowded, people swarming us from all directions and I held onto Benson’s arm and tried not to freak out. I did not do well in crowds, and with being so on-edge already, I felt like I was about to lose it. Benson noticed, and he pulled me out of the crowds and toward a bench on the outside. I sat down and held my head in my hands as he rubbed my back. “I didn’t expect it to be so busy,” He said as his hand his hand up and down my spine. “We don’t have to go back if you don’t want to.” I shook my head. “I just need a minute.” My head was spinning and my arm was stinging. I wanted to rub it and I knew I needed to wash it off, but I couldn’t risk someone seeing the cuts if I went to the bathroom. I couldn’t risk Benson seeing them. “Okay,” Benson whispered, continuing to rub my back. I know he meant it to be relaxing, but it was just putting me on edge even more. “Can you… can you stop?” My words shook, but he removed his hand. When I looked up at him, his face was puzzled. “Loghan, are you alright. You seem… jumpy.” I tried to smile, but it fell short. “I’m okay. Just… too many people.” Benson obviously wasn’t convinced. “You’re sweaty too. Are you sure you don’t want to take off your sweatshirt?” “No,” I said a little too quickly. “I’m fine. I promise.” Benson did not say anything. We sat on the bench in silence, his hands in his lap and mine supporting my head as I tried to dull the ringing. This was not going how I had hoped it would. Fifteen minutes passed, and I still could not move. I felt like I was frozen to the spot, and the feeling was starting to drain from my body. No… I wanted to cry. This could not be happening here. I begged my mind not to shut down, but the numbness continued to spread. Stop it! I internally screamed. Panic coursed through my veins and my breaths started coming in short bursts. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was hyperventilating before I even had time to catch myself. Benson moved beside me, but I barely even noticed. I thought I heard him say my name, but I could not respond. I was staring at him, but I could not see him. I felt my body move as he shook my shoulder, but still nothing. I needed my blade. I dug my fingernails into my skin, harder and harder to try and compensate. It wasn’t enough. A sob escaped my lips. Everything afterwards was a blur.

When I finally came out of the fog, I realized two things. One, I was in the front seat of Benson’s truck, and two, I was not wearing my hoodie. I blinked a few times, wondering if maybe I was imagining things. Maybe I was still on the bench, and this was just my brain putting me in a safe place. But I could feel the fabric of the seats and the smell of sandalwood was too real to be in my imagination. I was really here. I was really here, and my arms were bare, and the cuts and the bruises and everything I was trying to hide was now exposed. I had never felt so vulnerable. “Loghan?” I froze, moving my eyes to see Benson sitting in the driver’s seat. The truck was still in park, and the air conditioner was blowing on high. I shivered slightly and I watched as Benson reached over and turned it down. My arms are bare… he knows. Oh God, he knows… I studied him. He looked different. When he moved, his limbs were stiff. His face was hard, his eyes dark as something shadowed them. He was mad. He was mad I didn’t tell him before. He was mad I didn’t tell him I was broken. I couldn’t help it. The tears started falling, trailing down my cheeks as my body shook and sobs tore from my throat. My body curled up on itself, and I wrapped my arms around my knees, pressing my face against my legs and just wishing I was anywhere but here. When Benson got out of the truck, I wasn’t surprised. He shut the door and I was certain he walked away. Which was fine; I had expected him to anyway. But then he came to my door, opening it up and pulling me out from the seat. He held me against his chest, my face buried into the fabric of his shirt, and he sat down on the pavement and cradled me in his lap. Why was he doing this? He should just take me home and leave me there. I wanted to tell him that, tell him to leave me and run as fast and as far as he could. He did not need to be with someone who was so damaged, someone so broken. He was somebody and I was nothing. He deserved so much more. I sobbed harder and he pulled me close. “Shhh,” he pressed his lips to my hair. “You’re okay. I got you. I got you.” It took what felt like forever for the crying to stop, and by the end of it, I was exhausted. Any energy I had was gone and all I wanted to do was curl up on the ground and disappear. But Benson was still there. He was still holding me in his arms, gently rocking back and forth as the occasional sob escaped my lips and the tears dried on my face. I balled my fists in his shirt, wanting to keep him near but knowing I would have to let go soon. “Better?” He asked, using his thumb to wipe away a couple stray tears. His eyes had softened since earlier, but I could still sense he was tense. I nodded slowly, biting my lip and trying to push away from him. My arms would not cooperate. “You… You don’t have to stay,” I murmured, trying to keep my voice from breaking. Benson looked confused. “What do you mean?” “Just take me home,” I finally managed to break away, crawling out of his lap and using the handle of the car door to pull myself up. “Just take me home and then you don’t have to see me anymore.” “Wait, Loghan, what… What are you talking about?” He pushed himself off the ground and dusted off his pants. “I’m confused. You aren’t making any sense.” “I know what you’re thinking!” I cried. “It’s okay, I understand.” Benson shook his head. “Well, I don’t understand.” “I’m broken!” The words flew out of my mouth before I could catch them. “I’m broken, Benson. You don’t deserve someone who is broken. And it’s okay. I understand.” Benson cupped my cheeks in his hands. “You are not broken.” I pushed his hands away and held out my arms. The cuts were still fresh, the edges rimmed with red and slightly raised. My palms were covered in tiny marks from my nails. The bruises stood out dark against my stark white skin and my heart raced at the memory of how they got there. “Look at my arms and tell me I’m not broken,” I said, my voice suddenly taking on a new calm. “Look at the bruises and the cuts and the scars and tell me I am not damaged.” I watched as he flinched, and I realized he knew I was right. I waited for him to agree, to admit I was right, to admit this was too much and take me home and delete my number and never talk to me again. But instead, he shook his head. He leaned down and tenderly kissed the cuts, covering them with his hand as his green eyes looked into mine. “You are broken,” He whispered, his voice low enough so only we would hear. I felt my stomach drop as he spoke the words out loud. But then he continued. “But just because you are broken does not mean you are not worth fixing.” “What if I can’t be fixed?” Benson smiled. “Even broken things can be beautiful.” I sobbed again, pulling my hand out of his grip and wrapping my arms around myself. “You don’t understand…” “No, I don’t. But that’s okay. When you are ready to help me understand, I will be here. I am not going anywhere.” “Benson…” My voice cracked. “You don’t…you…” “What about me?” He asked. “Just… you! You are amazing and smart and you are going to be somebody! You are going to be a doctor and you are going to save lives!” I wailed, my body shaking as I leaned against the truck, trying to prevent my shaking legs from buckling. “You deserve to have someone who is just as amazing.” “You are amazing…” “No.” I shook my head. “I am nothing. I will always be nothing. Don’t you understand? I will never be enough for you.” “Oh my God…” Benson closed his eyes, taking a deep breath through his nose. He finally understood. I sobbed harder. “Oh, my love…” Benson surrounded me, enveloping me in his arms. I was surrounded by his scent and I wanted to remember it forever. I wanted to live in this moment forever, so maybe, I would never have to let go. “Loghan…” He spoke quietly, his lips tickling my ear. “You are not nothing… you are somebody, an amazing somebody, and most importantly… you are my everything.” I collapsed into him, my arms wrapping around his neck. He held me tight, his face pressed into the groove of my neck and I felt something wet on my skin. He was crying too. I realize that maybe I wouldn’t have to say goodbye, at least not yet. But one day, he was going to find out exactly where the bruises came from. He would want answers to his questions, and I was not sure how I would tell him the truth. He could not even fathom how broken I truly was, but for now, that didn’t matter. For now, I was content just being in his arms.

#selfharm tw #self harm tw #cutting tw #physical abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #abuse tw #panic attack tw #proceed with caution #loghan #loghan farren #loghan and benson #benson #benson grant #my ocs #oc: loghan #oc: benson

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winters-blue-children · 7 years

Text

The worst monster Billy knows is the one inside himself. It lashes out like a wild, raging animal. In the aftermath, compulsive and guilt-ridden, Billy has to face a few hard truths.

Harrington couldn’t possibly hate him as much as he hates himself.

AO3 / Ch 1

Harrington doesn’t show up at school the next day. Billy tries not to make it obvious that his eyes roam the hallways for that familiar mop of perfectly coiffed hair. The guy’s just taking the day off to recuperate. Not a big deal. Nothing’s wrong, he tells himself.

He refuses to let the worry show. He’s got to keep the arrogant, hot-headed mask on his face. But a nagging feeling gnaws in his gut, giving him no peace. He sighs and rubs his forehead as he turns the corner on his way to class.

In the midst of his distraction, Nancy Wheeler strides up to him.

He stumbles jarringly to a stop when the girl steps directly into his path. But he recovers quickly with a haughty glare.

“What do you want, Wheeler?” He growls, definitely not on edge because Harrington’s ex-girlfriend suddenly wants to talk when she hadn’t uttered a word to him since his arrival in town.

Somehow she doesn’t seem intimidated. “I know what you did to Steve,” she says, her voice stern in a way that reminds him too much of the way his mother reprimanded him as a child.

Behind her, Jonathan Byers leans anxiously against the lockers, ready to intercede if needed.

Billy scoffs, an arrogant smirk on his lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Wheeler.” He shrugs casually, refusing to let even a hint of guilt falter his mask.

“Stay the hell away from him.”

Billy swallows, uncomfortably aware that they’re getting stray looks from their fellow classmates. “What the fuck do you care? You’re not his girlfriend anymore,” he nods his head towards Byers. “Don’t you and your freak boyfriend have better things to do?”

“Steve’s a good guy,” Nancy says, her voice low as she glares daggers at him. “And he doesn’t need someone like you fucking his life up.”

Billy keeps his gaze resolutely casual. “Does Harrington know his little princess is saying such kind words on his behalf? I didn’t realize he needed a bitch to stand up for him.”

Nancy bites her lip. She doesn’t back down. If someone held a gun to his head, he’d admit that the princess has more gall than her slender appearance would suggest.

“You don’t scare me.”

Billy smirks, tilting his head to side. His lewd glance down her front makes a muscle twitch in her cheek. “Is that so?”

She takes a step closer to him. “There are things that keep me up at night,” she says, her voice low and dangerous. Her nostrils flare as he glares at her, and she glowers back with everything she’s got. “There are monsters in the dark that terrify me. But you? You’re nothing. You’re just a sad little boy who feels better by making others feel small.” She shakes her head, looking at him as if he were a bug under her shoe. “You’re nothing, Billy Hargrove.”

Billy stares, his breath hitching in his throat as she takes a step back.

“Stay the hell away from Steve.”

She turns on her heel and walks away, books held under her arm like a good little school girl. Byers barely spares him a glance as he follows her retreat like a dog.

Billy shudders a heavy breath as he watches them go. He growls, anger flooding his veins. He’s only just lost them in the crowd of students before he turns and throws his fist into the closest locker. He hisses at the pain in his cracked knuckles as the dent left in the metal mocks him in all his pathetic agony.

There are gasps and stares all around him.

He ignores them all.

Despite how he tries to tell himself he doesn’t give a flying rat’s ass, Billy looks around the parking lot for Harrington’s car. The familiar maroon Beemer worth more than his parent’s shit house sits parked in the same spot that it was left the day before.

Billy chews on his bottom lip, looking around aimlessly before sighing at his own miserable self-pity. He’s definitely not thinking about Harrington. And he’s definitely not going to drive to the guy’s house to check on him. How did this pretty boy turn him into a pathetic pining vat of self-hatred? Harrington invades his thoughts like an infection. A sickness. His father would throw a fit if he knew.

He strides across the parking lot towards his Camaro.

Tommy grins at him as he walks past, reaching out to tap his arm. “Hey, dude! A bunch of us are gonna-”

“Fuck off,” he spits harshly. He doesn’t bother to appear amicable. It’s all bullshit anyway. A shit head like Tommy isn’t worth his time. From the moment the guy glommed onto him, jumping onto his new popularity, Billy knew the guy was a piece of shit.

He only tolerated it because Tommy had a grudge against Harrington. And it was always about Harrington.

He pulls out of the parking with the harsh screech of tires, rock music blasting through the speakers. Though he doesn’t turn in the direction that would take him to rich boy’s house. He turns left and slows down as he pulls into the pick up lane of Hawkins Middle.

He searches out a familiar head of red hair, turning down the music as he approaches.

Max’s eyes narrow when she sees him pull up next to her.

“Where’re you going?” He calls out through the open passenger window.

“None of your business,” she says gruffly. “I thought I told you to leave me alone.”

Billy sighs, his breath stuttering in his throat as he leans further across the center console. “I’m your brother,” he says carefully. “It is my business.”

She stares at him like he grew another head.

“I’m going to the arcade,” she finally states.

Billy pauses. “With your friends?” He asks, his voice softer.

Max raises an eyebrow, daring him to protest.

“Do you want a ride?” He asks reluctantly.

Max squares her shoulders as she glares. “Fuck no,” she spits. “I’d rather walk.”

Billy waits until she’s stormed away from his car before his shoulders drop and he sags against the seat, feeling like he can’t breathe.

A miserable night of weight-lifting and chain-smoking fades into a dull morning, tracing familiar steps in the shit school of a town he feels trapped in.

A welcome voice in his ear stifles his motions as he trades books in his locker.

“Hey.”

A brief moment of relief lightens the tension in his chest when he sees Harrington standing by his side. His heart leaps into his throat. It’s a mirror of their moment just two days before. Billy tries not to get too worked up over it.

“Lookin’ better, Harrington.” The other man’s eyes are a bit brighter. The bruises have faded a bit.

Steve shrugs awkwardly. “Yeah. I feel better.”

Billy cocks his head to the side. “What do you want?”

Harrington shifts on his feet before he responds. “Um, look my memory’s a bit hazy, but… I just wanted to say… I appreciate what you did the other day. You know… taking me home and all?”

Determinedly, Billy keeps a smirk on his face. “Don’t mention it, Harrington. You were a bit out of it. I just wanted to get you into bed,” he leers with a wink.

Steve stares for a moment before he finds the words to speak. “Right,” he says uncomfortably.

“Don’t get used to any special treatment, King Steve,” he scoffs. “I’m just here to take you down a few notches.”

There’s a tense moment of silence between them before Steve sighs and shakes his head. “Why do you have to be such a dick?”

The blunt disappointment leaves Billy frozen in place. The ache in his chest shudders heavily as the other man moves to leave.

“Whatever,” Harrington mumbles as he lets out a tired sigh. “I just wanted to say thanks. Fuck me for tryin’, right?”

His lungs feel choked for air. The other man is already walking away when Billy grits his name through his teeth. “Harrington.”

Steve sighs again as he turns back. “What?” He asks wearily.

Billy bites his lip. The hardest part is meeting Steve’s gaze. He can’t quite read his face and the terror of the moment hits him where it hurts. “What are you doing after school?” He finally asks.

Steve frowns. “Fuck if I know,” he mutters. “Working on the project for Benson’s class?” He adjusts the strap of the bag over his shoulder and gives him a suspicious look. “Why?”

Billy breathes heavily. “You wanna hang?” He asks softly.

Steve’s gaze softens. “Honestly… I could use a drink.”

He feels the stress drain from his shoulders. He grins gently as the atmosphere between them lightens. “You sure you should be drinkin’ in your condition?”

Steve laughs softly. “Thanks for the concern, but I think I can handle it.”

“I’m not carrying your ass home again.”

Steve gives him a searching look and finally smiles. “Meet me by the quarry after school. Four o’clock. I’ll bring the drinks.”

Billy’s mood somehow improves significantly afterwards.

Billy sits by the rocks, a cigarette hanging from his lips when Steve’s car pulls up next to the Camaro. The calmness of the water does little to steady the thunder raging in his chest. But he thinks he hides his nervousness well.

“Where’d you get the beer, Harrington?” He asks as the other man sets a six pack of cans between them.

“Fred’s.”

“Fake ID?”

“Owner knows my dad.”

Billy sneers as he pulls a can out of the six pack rings, helping himself. “Why am I not surprised? King Steve’s got connections all over town.”

“Fuck off,” Harrington mutters as he cracks open his own can.

They settle quietly, an ample amount of space between them as they look over the water. Billy swallows a heavy gulp of beer. It tastes a lot better than any beer he’d had before. It’s good shit.

How typical of the golden boy. Perfect King Steve with all the money and all the girls fawning over him. His whole perfect life handed to him on a silver platter. Billy struggles to keep the envy at bay.

“You come here often?”

“Not really,” Steve shrugs. “It’s nice though. Quiet.”

Billy scoffs. “I bet you bring tons of chicks out here. Don’t get any ideas, Harrington. I’m not gonna suck your cock like one of your sluts.”

“Don’t be a dick,” Steve mutters.

“Am I wrong?” Billy throws back, because hostility is all he’s ever known. “Oh wait, that’s right. I forgot. You don’t run the place anymore, not since I got to town,” he laughs cruelly. “Bitches not trippin’ over themselves to suck your dick anymore.”

“Why do you do that?” Steve grimaces, sending him a harsh glare. “I never… I never ran the place.”

Billy clicks his tongue. “Not what I heard, Harrington.”

“Well, you heard wrong. Maybe if you actually took the chance to get to know me, you’d see things differently.”

Billy swallows. “Why the fuck would I want to do that?” He mutters softly. “You turned bitch.” He sneers at him over his can. “And I only like bitches eager to suck my dick.”

Harrington’s glare is hard and steady. “Why are you so angry all the time?”

Billy freezes. That hits him in the gut. The question is pure torture. It makes him feel hollow… and scared. Less than. It makes him hate Harrington just a little bit more.

“They were never really my friends, you know?” Steve offers at his silence.

He looks away wordlessly, hoping the water would give him some serenity that would steady the pulse in his chest. The beer helps. He takes another drink.

“Bunch of assholes,” Steve mutters. “And now you’ve taken them off my hands. Congratulations.” He bumps their cans together and Billy grits his teeth in frustration.

A moment passes before Steve speaks again. “Why’d you even want to hang out if you were just gonna be a dick about it?”

“Why did you agree?” Billy hisses back.

“Because…” Steve sighs and shrugs, his voice trailing off. “Because I thought there might be more to you,” he says honestly.

Billy frowns. “More?” He echoes.

“Yeah, more. I thought you might be more than just an asshole.” Steve mutters. “It’s not like I’ve got a ton of people I like to call my friends. Those guys… the ones I used to hang out with… they’re dicks because their lives are miserable. They liked me because of… the big house, the car, the money, the… I don’t fucking know what they saw in me-maybe they just hung out with me because I could get them booze every weekend. Fuck. I don’t know, maybe I was hoping you’d be different.”

Billy grimaces but can’t seem to bite his tongue. “Poor little rich boy and all his problems,” he sneers softly. “You tryin’ to make me feel sorry for you, Harrington?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Steve mutters under his breath. “That’s not what I said.” He takes a slow breath and a drink. “Why do you do that?” He eventually asks after setting his can down.

“This town sucks,” Billy shrugs. “Gotta find something to do.”

“Yeah, you have no fucking idea,” Steve mutters.

“Something you’re not telling me, Harrington?”

Steve gives him a knowing glare. “Be grateful you don’t know.”

Billy watches him for a long moment as Steve’s eyes trail along the water. It’s a long moment before he can tear his eyes away to the scenery that he’s loathed to admit isn’t nearly as appealing.

“Sorry about your face,” he eventually mutters.

Harrington looks at him with genuine surprise. “An actual apology,” he jests. “From Billy Hargrove. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Don’t get used to it,” Billy growls, but there’s a hint of a smile that tugs at the corners of his lips. “Maybe your life isn’t so perfect,” he says casually. It’s a welcome thought that he and King Steve might actually have something in common.

“Not even close.”

“Are we having a real heart-to-heart, Harrington?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” Steve turns to him with a grin. “You know, I’m kind of getting tired of you walloping on me,” he jokes lightly.

Billy scoffs and straightens stiffly. “Just wanted to see King Steve the golden boy taken down a notch or two.”

Harrington studies his face silently, and Billy nervously shuffles under the heaviness of the gaze.

“I don’t believe you,” Steve finally says.

Billy sneers. “Come on, admit it. The princess running off with the school freak. That’s gotta hurt.”

“Don’t call him that.”

He raises a disbelieving eyebrow. He can’t for the life of him understand what Wheeler sees in the older Byers brother. She dumps the popular guy for the school pariah? He thought she was supposed to be smart.

“He’s been through things that would make you shit your pants,” Steve says lowly. “You don’t get to talk shit on that.”

Billy shrugs. A lost brother that turned up fine a week later? Sounds like a regular fucked up suburban family to him.

“Kind of makes you rethink your own perfect home life, huh, pretty boy?”

Steve shakes his head. “Never said my life was perfect.”

Billy raises an eyebrow, but he lets the other man continue. “Trouble in paradise?” He goads after a moment of silence.

“Just…” Steve lets out a heavy breath as his head drops back. “Just feeling a bit lost lately, I guess.

“King Steve at a loss,” Billy mocks.

“Why do you do that?” Steve asks, but there’s a small grin on his lips that causes a flutter in Billy’s chest. “Give me shit all the time? King Steve this and King Steve that. It’s getting kind of old.”

“Maybe I’m just jealous,” Billy admits. He can’t blame it on the alcohol, he’s only had one beer. It must be the view. “The perfect little golden boy, who’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter.”

“What, so I don’t get the right to complain?”

A familiar anger rises in him. “No,” he growls through his teeth. “No, you don’t.”

Steve crushes his empty can between his hands and reaches for the pack. He grabs another and holds it out. Billy silently takes it from his hands.

“My parents are alright,” Steve admits. “Just lonely, I guess. They’re not around much. But… all things considered… they’re alright.”

Billy’s hands tremble as he downs half of his fresh beer instead of offering a response.

“You know, you pick on me like a kid pulling on some girl’s pigtails on a playground,” Steve laments casually. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve got a bit of a crush on me.”

“Lightweight,” Billy growls at him. “You must be missing that bitch Wheeler more than I thought.”

“Don’t be crude.”

“Did you love her?” Billy asks carefully.

“Yeah,” Steve eventually says after a slow drink. “Yeah, I did. I still do.”

Billy tries not to acknowledge the jealousy he feels in his gut. The feeling makes him want to hurl and he knows it��s not because of the beer.

“Must make you angry, right?”

Steve shrugs. “At first, sure.”

Billy turns to him. “But not anymore?” He asks curiously.

“She doesn’t love me,” Steve says simply. “You can’t make someone fall in love with you. And as much as I want her to… I… I just want her to be happy. If Jonathan makes her happy, then-”

“The freak?” Billy asks incredulously. He can’t comprehend why Wheeler would choose that son of a bitch over Steve. They’re a pair of perfect idiots now.

And yet Steve is head over heels, hung up over this nerdy, brainiac moron.

You can’t make someone fall in love with you.

The words echo in his head. Like driving a spike into his heart.

“What’s so great about this girl?” Billy finally asks. “If you ask me, you could do a lot better. A chick with bigger tits for sure.”

“Goddamnit, you are such an asshole!” Steve punches him in the arm as Billy bursts out with obnoxious laughter.

Steve grins softly as they quietly settle.

“She special,” he says as his eyes glaze and he gazes out at nothing. “She listens,” he adds after a moment. “She… she knows me, I guess. I know that sounds dumb, but… that’s how it felt when we were together.”

“She knows you?” Billy echoes, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “Sounds gay, Harrington.”

“Yeah,” Steve mutters softly, rolling his eyes. “And she wanted someone else.”

“That doesn’t make you mad?” Billy growls. “That doesn’t piss you off?”

“Well, sure I’m mad,” Steve shrugs. “I mean, I was angry, at first. But… I don’t know, man, it feels like I don’t even know who I am half the damn time… I can’t really blame her, you know?”

No. Billy doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get it. “Sounds like you’re having an identity crisis,” he mutters, shaking his head.

“No worse than you,” Steve quips. “Is that why you wanted to hang out?” He asks, looking up at him.

Billy hesitates. He swallows the lump in his throat. “I’m nothing like you,” he finally says.

Harrington doesn’t believe him. “Why are you so angry all the time?” He repeats his earlier question. “Must be exhausting.”

“I like it,” Billy growls, his voice steely and dangerous. “I like being angry. People piss me off and I get to break things.”

“Like my face?” Steve raises his eyebrows. The fading black eyes glint painfully in the orange light of the setting sun. “Dude, you gotta find a better way to release your frustrations.”

Billy thinks about the skateboard held together with duct tape sitting in his sister’s room.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Billy spits. He scoffs and shakes his head in frustration. “We can’t all be like you, pretty boy.”

Steve snorts and looks away. He takes a drink and Billy steals the opportunity to study him. He watches the way Steve’s adam’s apple bobs when he swallows. His stomach turns over in his gut.

“What do you do, huh?” Billy asks, his voice rough as he tries to dispel the silence. “When you get angry… what does King Steve do?”

“I get angry,” Steve says softly, his eyes drop to his lap.

“Yeah? And?”

“And… and I bullshit, apparently.” He lets out a bit of a self-deprecating laugh as he stares out into the water. “I don’t fucking know… I just… pretend like it’s not real.”

Silence follows.

“I get scared too.” Steve shrugs and picks up a pebble, forcefully chucking it into the water. “I just… ignore it… ignore all of it until I can’t anymore. Coward’s way out, I guess.

“You get scared,” Billy scoffs in disbelief.

“Of course I do.”

They don’t speak for a while. Billy doesn’t know what to say in response. And apparently, Steve has nothing more to say on the subject. They sit quietly, drinking their beers, watching as the sun slowly sets on the horizon.

Neither of them thought suffering the other’s company would be as easy as it is.

The chill in the air grows harsher. Billy finishes his last beer and turns to the other man. He reaches over and presses his thumb into the cut on Harrington’s lip.

“Hey, fuck off!” Steve gasps. But there’s a grin on his lips that must hurt when it stretches the cut.

“Pretty boy,” Billy chuckles. “You look better with your face beaten and bruised. More like a man.”

“Fucker,” Steve mutters under his breath. He glances at his watch and sighs at the time. “I gotta head out.”

Billy’s heart sinks in his chest, knowing that it’s about time he head home himself.

Steve slowly climbs to his feet, groaning at sore joints cracking from being in the same position for too long. “You can fix it, you know,” he offers, staring down at the other man who had yet to move.

Billy freezes, painfully aware of how he must look like a deer caught in the headlights. “W-what?”

“With Max,” Steve says softly. “I know she’s pissed at you, but… make an effort. Show her you’re more than just a douchebag. She’ll come around.”

“What the fuck do you know, Harrington?” Billy lets the anger seep into his voice.

“Whatever,” Steve shrugs and shakes his head. “I’m just tryin’ to help, dude.”

“Well, don’t.”

Steve nods, wiping his palms against the denim on his thighs. “Noted,” he says tersely. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”

He picks up their empties and walks away before Billy has the chance to formulate a response.

Steve’s driven off and gone before Billy realizes the only thought in his head is perhaps Harrington might be the most special thing that’s walked into his life since he showed up in Hawkins, Indiana.

#Stranger Things #Steve Harrington #Billy Hargrove #Harringrove #harringrove fic #my fics

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ahumanfemale · 7 years

Note

I lov your writing. Please write 43. falling in love with their best friend’s partner au

Oh, anon. You have fallen victim to the trap of the “ahumanfemale drabble”. There is no such thing. Only entire frigging fics because I can’t do what I’m damn well told. In any case, here it is. I hope you like it. - xoxo, ahf.

(Much love to @me-ladie for the alternative definition of “partner” and to @butihavejoy for the marvelous line toward the end about taking the lead. I love you both to the moon and back.)

Rafael Barba is gorgeous.

A masterpiece framed in lean muscle and bronze skin, a work of art in black fabric and thick, dark hair. His green eyes are bright and observant and his voice is an arrogant, endlessly arresting tenor. He moves with fluid grace that borders on aggressive and Sonny keeps waiting for the day when it ceases to steal his breath straight from his chest but it’s been three months and it hasn’t happened yet. He’s started to wonder if it ever will. Sonny can’t remember a time before he hung on the man’s every word, had been desperate for a glance or a few minutes of his attention. For three months he’s come to this room after his shift, for three months he’s brought him and Amanda dinner as an excuse to see him.

He’s pathetic, probably.

Hopeless.

So in love it hurt him to think or breathe or even look in Rafael’s direction. Which happened a lot, considering that Amanda was his best friend and Rafael was her partner. Dancing partner, not… they weren’t dating. They were both competitive dancers, specializing in the tango. Amanda did it for fun in addition to running her own studio for kids. Rafael, as far as Sonny knew, only did the competition circuit and just… ceased to exist outside of competitions. This was his last year before retirement, Amanda’s last year before she quit competing to focus on her business, and the two of them were determined to go out with a bang - preferably a bang in the shape of a first place trophy to display in Amanda’s studio. Her sudden obsessive dedication to this was the only reason Sonny had ever met Rafael in the first place, having heard his name for years without ever meeting the man.

Sonny was introduced to Amanda Rollins almost ten years ago, as two halves of a blind date. Sonny was just getting his restaurant off the ground and Amanda was new to New York, looking to start over. The date had gone well - laughter, joking, arguing over sports. Amanda was gorgeous, funny, smart as a whip. He’d enjoyed her company immensely but when it came time to brave a goodnight kiss the spark just… wasn’t there. Not the way he wanted it to be, and Amanda seemed to agree with her grudging smile and shrug that suggested darn the luck. But they became fast friends anyway and had hardly parted since, supporting each other through businesses opening and struggling and beginning the slow trudge toward being successful. Sonny had never been more grateful for a person in his life because Amanda never did anything by halves, including friendship.

Which made him feel even more guilty when he realized that he’d never been very involved in the competition part of her career. He was making up for lost time, though. Feeding her every night and forcing her to go home when she was dead on her feet and her babysitter was due to leave in half an hour. It certainly was for Amanda, his best friend, and not the stunning man whose arms she spent every night in.

A fact that she seemed to take for granted, Sonny thought bitterly as he scaled the stairs to their rehearsal space.

Amanda, getting to feel all that lean muscle up close.

Amanda, getting to watch up close as sweat formed at his hairline and slipped effortlessly down the column of his throat.

Amanda, who had taken one look at Sonny’s gobsmacked face and informed him without a hint of kindness that Rafael didn’t date during competition season, and even if he did it wouldn’t be a dorky cook from Staten Island.

He was a chef, thank you very much.

Also, not a dork.

But he was from Staten Island - he couldn’t deny that.

A fact he lamented as he approached the closed door at the top of the stairs. He heard music already, the dramatic acoustic guitar flourishes that signaled the beginning of the piece. Sonny had memorized it within a week, watching their rehearsals until he felt like he would be able to pick up the guitar himself and play the song from memory. He was pretty sure the dance steps were ingrained in his memory but those he wouldn’t be able to mimic if his life depended on it. For all his finesse in the kitchen, he had two left feet and they were both wearing cement shoes.

Sonny pushed the door open with his shoulder, carrying the bags in both hands.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. Nick’s giving me a hard time about the front of the house and - oh.”

Rafael is alone.

Sonny catches him mid-lunge, thighs taut and back straight as his shirt pulls across the expanse of his chest and Sonny’s stomach twinges hard. Heart in his throat, he watches as Rafael finishes the movement and uses the remote to pause the song. Sonny stands in the doorway like a deer caught in the headlights, trying very hard to keep his eyes on Rafael’s rather than the way his pants fitted over his ass and the faint sheen of sweat that covered every inch of skin he could see.

“Sonny,” Rafael says breathlessly and the sound heads south faster than Sonny can do anything about it. He found himself wishing to hear his name on Rafael’s lips in another context, although preferably just as breathlessly. “What are you doing here?”

“Bringing you dinner. Like I do every night.”

“Amanda went home an hour ago,” he tells him, reaching for a towel to wrap around his shoulders. “She didn’t tell you?”

“What? No,” Sonny replies, juggling the bags to get a finger on his Apple watch. The screen illuminates but Amanda’s only unread message says nothing about going home for the night. It’s two words, and it makes Sonny’s ears heat.

Have fun.

He didn’t know what to do about that. He was torn between thanking her or threatening her or offering to babysit for a month.

“I’m sure you need to get that home,” Rafael suggests dismissively and Sonny blinks in surprise, looking up from his watch.

“What?”

“I doubt I’m your primary intention here. Amanda is probably expecting you and Jessie will want to see her father.”

Sonny stares, speechless for once in his life. His face could only be making an expression that conveyed the utmost shock and confusion but it was missed, Rafael choosing to look out the open window as the sun finished setting. It was all he could do to set the food down and clear his throat pointedly. How was it possible that after years Rafael wouldn’t know that?

Wait, Sonny knew the answer.

It was they were both so work-oriented that he doubted it ever came up.

“I’m, uh… I’m not Jessie’s dad,” he offered finally.

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “I see. It’s admirable of you, adopting another man’s child.”

“No, I didn’t adopt her either. I’m not… Amanda and I aren’t like that. We’re just friends.”

This seemed genuinely surprising to him and Sonny shifted his feet because what he should be doing is suggesting that Amanda wasn’t his type much these days. His type, of course, being snarky dancers with green eyes and dry sense of humor who hardly looked at Sonny for more than a few seconds at a time… probably because they thought they he was straight and in a committed relationship with Rafael’s work partner. Instead he studied Rafael’s profile until the man looked over at Sonny, a small smirk gracing the curve of his lips.

All of a sudden Sonny can’t shake the feeling that he’s figured out why Amanda’s “just friend” has been hanging out in their space almost every night for months.

“If Amanda’s not expecting you,” he starts, “There’s no reason I couldn’t take a break for dinner. If the offer’s still on the table, anyway.”

“Of course,” Sonny said quickly, unable to fathom the fact that Rafael may have expected him to say no. “Come on. I hope you like chicken marsala.”

“Only if the marsala is dry.”

Sonny scoffed, “What kind of chef do you take me for?”

Rafael never answers but his smirk is answer enough.

Maybe it’s his useless heart doing the talking, but he feels like dinner goes well. They sit on the floor, backs to the wall. Shoulders almost touching but not quite. Their careers don’t have much in common but they find common ground anyway. Rafael talks about his scholarships to Julliard, his early career as a competitive dancer before he took several years to act as a choreographer for the rash of dancing movies that were popular for a while. His sisters had seen every one of them in theaters, swooning the entire time. Sonny found himself inordinately smug about the fact that he was having dinner with the man who’d created them.

Rafael had also expressed interest in Sonny’s work, asking about culinary school and his adventures working his way through every possible position a chef might take. He talked about being a sous chef under Bayard Ellis, a line cook for Lisa Hassler. It wasn’t until he’d met Nick Amaro working for chef Olivia Benson that he’d gotten the confidence to try out his own place. The two of them had gone off with Olivia’s blessing - and her financial backing - to create Maggie’s, a fusion restaurant specializing in Latin-Italian. It was a rough start but they were doing well now. With the combination of Sonny’s talents in the kitchen and Nick’s business sense and charm with guests, they were starting to get some notice. Rafael was quick to express admiration for Sonny’s work ethic, knowing just how difficult it was to get a restaurant going in New York. Let alone a successful one.

Sonny liked talking with him.

Liked his shrewd gaze assessing Sonny’s every word, the warm green as tangible on his skin as an actual touch from anyone else. He liked Rafael poking fun at his accent, liked the way he found reasons to brush Sonny’s hand as they ate. There was more spark in one of Rafael’s eye rolls than there had been in all of his previous relationships combined and Sonny couldn’t help feeling vindicated. He felt like he’d been proven right. He knew the two of them would get along - all they’d needed was the opportunity.

“So, what’s next?” Sonny asks some time later, after they’ve finished, crumpling a napkin and tossing it into his styrofoam to-go box.

“What do you mean?”

“Next,” Sonny repeated. “Once you’re done wiping the floor with these guys. I’m guessing you’re not going to do nothing unless you’re independently wealthy.”

“Well, I’m definitely not that,” Rafael laughed and Sonny smiled at the sound. “Besides, I’m not ready to retire from anything yet. I’ll go crazy.”

“Ah, I don’t know. Golf all day and dinner at three in the afternoon could suit you,”

Rafael glares. “Hardly.”

Sonny grins right back.

“So?”

“So… I don’t know,” Rafael sighs, shaking his head. “I’ve made the mistake of choosing a career and skill set that don’t age with me, nor do they lend themselves to other professions. In a few more years my knees will probably give out on me so it’s better I retire before I get to that point. It’s the after that’s the problem.”

Sonny nodded thoughtfully.

“You’re very talented, Rafael,” he said earnestly, holding firm as the man’s eyes shot up to meet his. Seamlessly, earthen green to sky blue. “And more than that, you’re smart. If anyone can figure it out, you can. Hell - open up a class for adults in Amanda’s studio. You’d be a hit, if only for the dance moms who need the eye candy. You’d have at least one student before you printed the sign up sheet.”

He quirked an eyebrow playfully. “Oh?”

“I mean, you’d probably better charge me triple,” he added, “I’m kind of hopeless. I’ve seen newborn giraffes more graceful than me on a dance floor.”

“Somehow that’s not difficult for me to believe,” Rafael teased and despite the mild insult warmth washed over Sonny’s chest, “But I don’t believe in hopeless cases. You just need to consider dance as something you do already. Think of how you work in the kitchen, dancing around your underlings.”

Sonny sputtered.

“That’s not dancing,” he insisted, “That’s doing your best to avoid catching a blade while someone’s slicing something up.”

“Dancing with higher stakes. You’re quick, what you do is fluid or it would take that much longer for you to accomplish anything. You’re aware of what’s going on around you, of who’s in your periphery,” Rafael tells him, the timbre of his voice darkening as he looked at Sonny unflinchingly. “That awareness is where it starts. Steps, movement, the concept of creating and destroying space with your body. The push and pull, the synchronicity. The rhythm you settle into as you work.”

And why did Sonny get the feeling they weren’t talking about cooking anymore?

He swallowed, nodding.

“Yeah,” he said on little more than a whisper, “Yeah, I can see that.”

For a long moment they stare, holding eye contact neither seem willing to break. Then the moment ripples outward and fades away into nothing, until Sonny clears his throat while Rafael grins. Sonny watches as he closes the to-go box and stands up from the floor. Quick, agile. Graceful in a way that suggested ample experience creating and destroying space, in setting a rhythm. A rhythm Sonny would kill to know firsthand. But that wasn’t in the cards for tonight, even if his heart kicked hard in his chest as he stood and gathered the remains of their meal. He tossed the boxes in the trash and brushed the wrinkles from his pants, all too aware of Rafael’s eyes on him.

“I guess you’re going back to work,” Sonny suggests.

“For a few more hours, at least.”

“I’ll let you get to it then,” he said and offered a lopsided grin before grabbing Amanda’s portion and heading for the door. “Don’t work too hard, alright? Give yourself a break - you can’t win if you’re dead on your feet.”

Rafael only nods, distracted as he moves to stretch his arms out again. Sonny watches for only a moment before turning away, already finding himself looking forward to the next night he could come back.

“Sonny,” Rafael calls as he reached the door.

Sonny turned, hoping very much Rafael would ask him to stay a little longer but he had no such luck. Something indecipherable flickered across Rafael’s face and then a decision was made.

“Thank you for dinner,” he says and reaches for his water bottle on the bench. “You’re very talented, too.”

That odd kick in his chest is back but Sonny accepts the compliment with a smile and closes the door behind him, trying his very best to contain the excitement fighting to bubble up in his chest.

It doesn’t work.

–

They won.

Sonny knew they would. He knew because he’d been watching the two of them all this time, the watchful bystander as all these individual steps and notes blended into something seamless and natural for the two of them. Envy wasn’t something that came naturally to Sonny but it managed to find him anyway with the image of the two of them together, moving as two halves of a whole that swept across the dance floor like they were only ever hovering above it. Sonny wasn’t a dancer, not in his wildest dreams would he have been able to do any of the things he watched them do, but it stung watching Rafael with someone else. He’d never quite been able to shake the warmth he’d found after their dinner together, and if anything his feelings had only grown.

Envy is probably not what compels him to stay long after the rest of the audience has gone, though. It’s probably something closer to longing because he fears this will be the last he sees of Rafael. He’s been replaying their conversation last week on repeat, hung up on the uncertainty of the man’s voice. Sonny knew what that felt like. To be drifting, not really tied down anywhere when the ties were all you really wanted. He’d heard some of that in Rafael that night, wondering where to go next. He’s spent days working him up to this sense of urgency because something in him knows that his time in Rafael’s presence is limited.

“You look like you’re in pain.”

Sonny jumps only a little, startled back to the present with the sound of Rafael’s voice a few feet away. It was the sound he’d been hoping for all along and still it surprises him. Rafael is walking across the dance floor, where they had just won their first place trophy, and he’s changed now into something more casual. Dark slacks and a pale button up that still manages to highlight biceps Sonny wants to wrap his fingers around. He spends a good couple of seconds staring at them only to look up and find Rafael grinning at him as though he’d known exactly what Sonny was thinking.

“Not in pain,” Sonny clarifies, even if it’s not far off. “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“About what I’m gonna do with my nights now that I won’t be feeding the two of you anymore,” he replies and it’s mostly the truth. He grins and adds, “I’ve been so wrapped up with this that I’m not sure what’s left of the rest of my life.”

Rafael scoffs as he sets his bag on the chair next to Sonny. “I’m sure you’ll find other workaholics to force your food on. Maybe you can make it a charity - bringing food to people who refuse to leave their offices for sustenance.”

He snorts.

“I bet I could make a killing, except for the fact that the concept already exists. It’s called ‘delivery’, I think,” he observes and delights in the grudging smile and nod he wins from Rafael’s expressive face. “So, how does it feel?”

“How does what feel?” Rafael asks in return, eyes pinched at the corners.

“Saying goodbye to all this,” Sonny elaborated, waving at the gleaming wood floor behind them. “This has been a good chunk of your life, hasn’t it? Spent in front of judges, worrying about where to put your feet and second-guessing yourself when you don’t do as well.”

Rafael nods, exhaling loudly.

“I don’t know yet, honestly,” he says and Sonny understands, “But I’m happy with what I’ve done here, if that means anything. I know Amanda is. We’re both happy and that seems like a good time to go.”

Sonny hums his agreement and fixes Rafael with a tender smile.

“It was great, for what it’s worth. You know, coming from me.”

“What was?”

“You,” Sonny answers honestly. “You were amazing, you both were. It, uh. It floors me that people can even move the way you do. Being here for it felt kind of special. It was an honor to see your last dance.”

“This isn’t my last dance.”

Sonny tilts his head, surprised. Had he changed his mind about retiring after all? He hardly had the time to consider the implications before Rafael was holding his hand out.

Oh.

Sonny took it, allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. He stepped forward as Rafael stepped backwards, leading him onto the gleaming dance floor where an hour before Rafael had rendered the room speechless. The room was empty now, save for the two of them. The only lights were the floodlights left on overnight and the tango had long faded from the air. Not it was only their footsteps as Rafael takes him to the center of the floor, uses his wide hand to pull Sonny into the circle of his arms. He feels Rafael’s hand at the small of his back, reveling in the warmth of it through his shirt as they take the first slow step together.

“Nothing fancy, alright?” Sonny warns him. “I’m not Amanda, I’m just gonna fall and break something.”

Rafael scoffs and places a foot between Sonny’s as they move, using the momentum of their steps to turn them both in a quick circle that Sonny doesn’t even realized has happened until he’s facing the opposite direction and Rafael is looking at him with open desire on his face.

“Wow.”

His voice is low when Rafael replies, “Absolutely.”

Sonny lets Rafael lead him around the floor, lets their breathing start to match. He’s tempted to fill the silence created between their steps but suddenly the speakers crackle to life again and he sees a blonde head working behind the soundbooth, stumbling around and cursing while Rafael mutters under his breath about being able to do a single thing without turning it into an argument with an inanimate object. Sonny’s tempted to laugh, tempted to tease, but then the music starts and every snarky word gets ground into dust as his breath catches in his chest.

Wise men say only fools rush in…

Elvis Presley’s voice is low and clear over the speakers and for a moment Sonny can’t breathe or even think because it’s all too much. The music, the dance. The man in his arms, smiling softly and guiding them as Sonny’s steps falter.

“I asked for a song recommendation from Amanda,” Rafael confesses under his breath. “She said this song was special to you.”

Sonny nods, laughing breathlessly. “My parents danced to this song at their wedding and at every anniversary for forty years. I think Amanda was setting you up to be dancing with a sobbing mess.”

“You’re not sobbing.”

“Only because I’m clinging to what dignity I have left,” he counters and Rafael only pulls him closer, spins them again.

It’s easy for him to forget that Amanda is nearby with Rafael’s eyes green in the dim lights and his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. It’s even easier for him to do when he feels the soft glance of lips over his throat, the hot flow of Rafael’s breath across his ear as they move. Sonny waits until he can’t anymore, until it feels like he won’t take in another breath until he takes it from Rafael’s lips. Rafael’s eyes meet his and there’s something careful, almost cautious in the deep green so close to Sonny’s own that he can see the flecks of hazel. It takes Sonny a moment to place it, to realize that for perhaps the first time ever, Rafael is waiting for him to take the lead.So he does.

He stops them in the middle of a turn, cups his hand around the back of Rafael’s neck and pulls him closer. Their mouths fit together and that feeling of vindication comes back as Rafael parts his lips to let Sonny in. He knew it would be like this, he insists to himself as he takes his first taste of the man he’s wanted for months. Like all of his life has led up to this, like the rest of the world has frozen in time to let him have this moment. The two of them on the dance floor, this song in the air between them as Sonny captures Rafael’s lower lip between his own. He’s always known that the two of them were inevitable, had always known they would fit together.

Perfect, Sonny marvels.

He’s always known it would be perfect.

Take my hand. Take my whole life, too. For I can’t help falling in love with you…

“I’m happy I met you, Sonny,” Rafael whispers as the song comes to a close and their first kiss ends.

The first of many.

“Yeah,” Sonny replies. “Me too.”

#barisi #barisi fic #barisi au #rafael barba #sonny carisi #amanda rollins #mentions of other characters #sickening fluff #i am useless #sorry #writing prompt #ahumanfemale #my writing #thanks for playing anon

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ac-ars · 7 years

Text

I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

okay i know it’s been a long time, but i am lazy procrastinating trash and what can i do?? the good news is i passed math and i can continue my studies (what im doing rn and already regret that)

that’s all about this rant, it all is a mess yet i hope you like it and dont worry this story is gonna end soon (i’d say very soon but again, procrastinating ass) + proofread who?

all chapters before

“There’s this legend telling about beginning of the universe, when everything was created. It says that atoms were created and spread around entire universe missing those atoms they were created with. Since then these atoms are wandering aroung the universe looking for their close ones, hoping they will find one day and some of them are hidden in people. So it means people are unconsciously looking for someone in entire universe, hoping that their atoms find each other one day.”

“Is that all, or is there something more?”

“Now matter how far they are, they always find a way.”

Chapter 9 /or/ about conversations, chats and debates

Matteo feels like shit.

He has no idea what to do with his life and how to live it right now, because once Luna’s eyes lie on him, she frowns and turns around, leaving the place as soon as possible. He actually feels worse than shit; he feels like trash flowing through the space without destination in the very black cosmos, probably flying towards some big ass star who will burn him. Maybe that’s better; being burned by star is better than being constantly burned alive by angry look of Simón Alvarez, the first puppy boy on Earth, as he is protecting his best friend who got hurt by evil forces.

Balsano knows what he pulled and he knows why he did that, but he’s not sure how to take it all together. This was like ultimate dick move, the thing he pulled even without knowing he was pulling that. She overheard of course in the wrong moment and he still can’t believe this. And then he ran after her, fully knowing that she is going to throw some wild shit at him, but she was surprisingly not so out of control, even if he deserved it.

The only thing that Matteo has definitely not in his grasp is the fact that he got impossibly angry out of nowhere; just like this and as soon as Luna left he was at sad peace again.

Now he is just lying in his bed with Ámbar on his right side while Gastón is sitting by the desk keeping his feet on it. Matteo doesn’t even have power to tell him to put them into his ass, away from his desk.

He covers his eyes with his arm, completely done with life and himself, his friends are talking about some shit, but Italian isn’t listening at all. Ámbar is probably cursing at Gastón for not chilling him the night after the date, while Perida is trashing blonde for being an asshole. Nothing new and nothing Matteo would like to listen to.

He is almost asleep, but he can’t really focus on just sleeping because those two suckers started talking louder.

“Shut the fuck up for a second. I want to sleep,” he growls and Ámbar kicks his ankle.

“We are trying to figure out how to save your ugly ass from shit you pulled on everyone around,” she snorts back and Matteo pouts.

“My ass isn’t ugly.” Gastón giggles at this, hiding his face in his hands, trying to avoid Matteo’s look as Italian continues. “You have never found my ass ugly, Ámbar.”

“But your inside is ugly and it makes you ugly.”

“You are ugly then too.” Perida smiles and blonde shows him middle finger. “We all are ugly guys, but stop with that foreplay, because Matteo here fell for a girl and fucked it up in the most stupid way ever-” said Matteo wants to get up, but Ámbar slaps him in the chest and he stays chill, letting Gastón continue, “- while our dear blondie here made out with guitarist when you were on your date, if I recall correctly.”

Ámbar chokes almost falling from the bed, but Balsano pulls her back with her wrist. “You never mentioned that, little queen.” He pokes her on the ribs and she curses at Gastón. “What the hell, how do you even know that?”

Perida grins at her, lacing his fingers to look somehow like professional boss or some shit, but the fact his feet are still on Matteo’s desk ruin the picture. “I know you have his beanie in your locker. And I don’t need to tell you how do I know. Tell us more important thing, does he kiss better than Matteo?”

“No one kisses better than me, bro.” Mentioned Matteo snorts and turns to Ámbar, waiting for her to answer.

She just looks at him with uninterested eyes and bitter face. “I kiss better than you, idiot. Besides, this is ridiculous. Leave me alone.” Her lips turn into small pout as she crosses her arms.

“I can’t agree with that, Ámbar. But don’t worry, you are close second from what I can tell.”

Gastón grins and sends them a wink. Matteo giggles and blonde girl has to shake her head at those two morons. “Since we already know who kisses how well, we should focus on pulling Balsano away from title of worst-almost-boyfriend of the year.”

“Could you please stop asking, Simón? I am really tired of thinking about this. Not to mention you can ask Nina, she knows it all.” Luna sighs, playing with the pencil as they three are sitting in the kitchen of Benson mansion. Girls are doing — or trying to do their homework, but it fails big time when Alvarez boy keeps attempting to find out what happened with Matteo the other day.

“I need to hear it from you, maybe Nina will mess some facts?” he asks poking her cheek with another pencil and she lets her head fall to the notebook. “I doubt that. More likely I would mess something than Nina.”

He wants to say something but Luna jumps up before he manages to. “Those exercises are more important that being sad.” She shakes her head violently, making her hair bounce around her face and tickling her nose.

“Luna, if you want to talk-” Nina starts softly, covering Luna’s hand with her fingers softly, yet Valente keeps denying stubbornly. “There is no need, please. I just need to focus on something else while you are reminding me about this all the time.” Brunette sighs, Simón nods and Luna sighs with relief.

She really needs some distraction. At least here; at home, where there is no Matteo Balsano, no messed soulmate drama and definitely no broken hearts. There is just smell of food her mom has been preparing for dinner today, warmth and love of her friends. At this point that’s all Luna needs and she is going to be happy. The faster she gets over asshole Italian the better, no matter how much pain it’s giving her. She can’t show outside that it hurts like bitch all the time, especially after her father kept growling around that he was gonna deal with this rude boy as soon as he sees him. Knowing Matteo they won’t see each other for long time so hopefully her father will forget about his revenge plans, because getting accused of damaging teenage boy, even if he hurt his little princess, would look really bad in his files.

This week has been a mess. Real, real mess, no matter how many days have passed, she still feels like in that very moment when she heard what he really feels. And despite the fact Luna was waiting for him to say anything, to text her or just smile after their date, now she regrets her curiosity, regrets that she told him about soulmates and somehow regrets feeling everything so hard that at the very end she is all broken, shattered and she can’t get enough of the glue to put herself together.

Not that she doesn’t manage daily life, because surprisingly she really does. In class she manages to focus, and if not, Nina nudges her from time to time, or pokes, and Luna is back, away from Matteo thoughts. The same on the rink; she’s working and helping people with skating what actually helps, well, until Matteo ends up on the rink as well, but it doesn’t happen often in last days. Seems like he is avoiding her and Luna doesn’t mind that at all, no matter how much her heart screams for him longing for his touch and smile.

Only her parents seem to not accept the fact she needs to get over him. Her mother keeps sending her small sad looks, while her dad is all about his questions and reminding her to not think about the boy, what doesn’t really help, but whatever really at this point.

It’s not that Luna regrets Matteo himself. It was actually fun and she remembers it all well, happy and as positive, good time they spent together. They just finished not in the way she expected it to finish.

Yes, she has expectations. Pretty high, if you ask, but who wouldn’t after time of good friendship, not to mention that his attitude on the date was like proof that he likes her too, that he wants it to be something else; not really friendship and Luna doesn’t regret giving him the chance. She has some cute memories after him and even if she can’t look at him currently, it was nice to have him for her own just for little time and spend with him few pleasing moments she can repeat and repeat in her head before sleep, ignoring the way her brain tells her to stop.

Nina nudges her in the ribs and she jumps looking around. “What?” Just after this she notices her father leaning his hands against the table and watching her with worry in his eyes. “Are you okay? I hope you aren’t thinking of that rude boy again.” He throws as a joke and Luna smiles softly, shaking her head. Miguel moves bouncing curl of her hair behind her ear as corners of his mouth curl up slightly.

“Of course not, dad, I was trying to solve math problem. Do you want to help me?” Luna feels half bad for pulling this on her dad, but she needs him to stop asking about Matteo, no matter how well he intends. She can’t have everyone asking about him.

“Do I look like someone who would want to do math?” Miguel laughs tapping tip of her nose gently and making Luna giggle, before he leaves her with Nina and Simón.

“You know what,” Alvarez starts while brushing his chin with his fingers, looking somehow thrice as smart as he is, “I know what to do to make you happy.”

Luna sighs and scrunches her nose in cute way. “What are you gonna do then?” she asks, but he just grins and winks at her. “That’s a secret, my friend.”

Nina snorts.

Matteo sighs, mixing his smoothie with the straw, totally tired after another sleepless night, classes at Blake and he doesn’t even feel like skating recently. He is waiting for Gastón to come here, but the asshole is late for like fifteen minutes and Matteo starts to feel impatient and annoyed.

He feels someone patting on his shoulder, so he turns around, yet as soon as he notices Simón puppy Alvarez watching him with those weird eyes, Matteo wants to get up, leave and not come back. Ever.

“I don’t have time for conversations,” he just murmurs under his breath, but guitarist apparently manages to hear that. Damn him.

“Well, no one here tells you to talk to me. You are going to listen.” Simón pouts in very Luna way, and it makes Matteo’s heart skip a beat lowkey, because he misses Luna’s pouts and her smiles and, shit, everything of her.

“What am I supposed to listen? If you want to punch me or some shit, just do it and leave me alone.”

Alvarez snorts at him, shaking his head and crossing his arms. “I’m sure it’s not necessary, because you already look like someone punched you. And Luna wouldn’t really appreciate this way of support from me, so we will leave punching for someone else, okay?” He sits in front of Balsano. “I think you have a problem, Matteo.”

Italian frowns, totally surprised, because one, he doesn’t look that bad, two, he still thinks Luna wouldn’t mind her friend punching him and three, what problem? That’s what he asks.

“I have a problem? Maybe you care to explain me, since I am too dense today apparently.”

Simón chuckles with small nod, his beanie moves weirdly and Matteo is sure it’s going to fall from his head, but it doesn’t. “I haven’t met someone so bad at showing any emotions. Maybe except Ámbar, but she’s hardcore case.”

Matteo snorts at the mention of Ámbar, fully knowing that this guy made out with her few days ago, and it somehow makes him forget about the first part of the sentence, yet he goes back to it after a moment and feels offended as fuck. “I am not bad. What is the point of this conversation even?”

Mexican guy sighs dramatically, playing with his pick necklace. “Not that I’m trying to hate on you, because I am a nice person, but you need to chill your ass with this whole questioning everything. Especially when it comes to feel something.”

This is ridiculous, the day came, guitarist is giving him advice in love life, or feelings, whatever. He is doing that and Matteo suddenly feels super flat, like water spreading around the table before falling from it with small drops, because deep down, in this small tiny hidden part, he knows that Simón is right; he knows Luna better than Balsano does at this point and he knows how to handle her.

“I want to clear things out, because from what I know, they aren’t really clear. At one moment you throw some shit that you have no idea what you feel, but later you keep sending Luna longing stares and she, fortunately, doesn’t see most of them. I do though, and I can’t really catch what you want, Matteo. If you feel, or feel that you feel something to her, just fix this shit, if you don’t, just leave her alone, okay?”

Matteo looks at him surprised. He managed to say it all with calm, yet sure tone. There was no threat actually, no curses and no hate words. That’s not what Italian would expect after this all, because Ámbar trashed him as fuck, Gastón wasn’t commenting anything while Simón Alvarez out of all people was chill and explained calmly what he expects from him before completely casually walking to his best friend, pulling her towards the stage along with guitar and playing some probably new song. Luna is grinning and singing from time to time, and she looks happy.

Matteo wants her to be happy.

“So you say that Matteo regrets that?” Luna asks him with skeptical face and Gastón can’t really blame her, because he wouldn’t believe that either if he weren’t in the middle or this war zone. When it comes to Balsano you can really call his problems war zone.

“Yes. I am his best friend so I know everything firsthand.” He smiles and nudges her as they are walking towards her class in Blake, after he very politely offered walking her there. “Besides, you can not believe him, but why wouldn’t you believe me?”

Luna giggles shaking her head and leaning it softly towards his shoulder (he offered her his arm before, that’s how much of a gentleman he is). “Gastón, you are super cute, and a great friend, but if Matteo felt bad he would’ve come to me and talk.”

He laughs a little, pulling his arm from her grasp and wrapping it around her shoulders. “Luna, my dear Luna, the stargirl to Matteo’s starboy, do you really think he would just come and talk?”

Brunette frowns at him softly, but doesn’t move away from him. “I mean that’s actually the only thing to do if he feels bad. That’s what normal people do. And Matteo is big boy, he doesn’t need to send me his best friend so I will consider running back to him.” She pouts a little and Gastón panics.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, she seems almost, almost annoyed and this is a bad way to solve things. If Matteo knew that he went to talk to Luna, he would rip his head away and then make out of it popcorn bowl for Ámbar. No exaggerating of course here, Perida isn’t any guy to be dramatic, but he knows Balsano enough.

“Luna, listen.” Gastón stops her in one place, no matter that they are in the middle of the hallway; he made sure Ámbar took Matteo the other way, so he never finds out about the conversation. His hands rest on Luna’s shoulders and she frowns at him in really cute way. “My idiot best friend has no idea that I am talking to you.”

She looks at him weirdly, but then there is this tiny blink of disappointment in her eyes. “Oh, I get it. So why are you even trying if he doesn’t seem to be wanting to be even friends with me?”

“Fuck,” Gastón mumbles, shaking his head, because he has no fucking idea how to handle Luna. Apparently she gets what he wants to tell in wrong way, in the way he doesn’t want her to see. He just wants her to understand that Matteo is stupid shit, who doesn’t know what he wants and ruins it because he is scared of ruining it, what actually doesn’t make sense, but he comes from Italy so Gastón guesses this is some family/Italian thing.

“I’m sorry.” He starts again. “Let’s stay by damn, cursing while talking to lady is rude.” Valente giggles and he sighs with relief once or twice, being super dramatic. He likes this tiny girl and he knows that she is perfect for Matteo, like not this cheesy, sappy perfect, but the perfect, if you know what he means of course. “It’s just because he is sad. I don’t want him to be sad.” Gastón pouts, brushing his fingers through his hair and Luna smiles softly.

“I know you don’t want him to. I don’t want him to be sad either, because I care about him no matter how rude he was, but if he wants to do anything with me he should just be a big guy and talk to me.”

Perida sighs loudly while Luna is smiling at him without any break. This is super weird honestly; he had no idea that talking to her would be so difficult.

The thing is that she is right. Matteo should come to her instead of playing the victim and barely talking to anyone. Well, maybe not playing a victim thing, but acting like it; he keeps complaining and he’s not able to sleep, eating only when someone tells him to. Not to mention those longing stares Balsano keeps sending towards Luna as if she was the one to kick him in the face, or something.

Gastón lets out the air slowly. “You’re right, but I just wanted you to know that he didn’t really mean this all.”

She frowns. “He didn’t?”

He shakes his head. “No. I mean yes, he did, but not in the way you think.”

Valente crosses her arms and keeps frowning. “Then explain it to me.”

“It’s just…” he hesitates, not wanting to sell Matteo like this, he’s gonna be mad as fuck, but on the other side Gastón wants to do it, because maybe it will help at the very end.

Welp, you only live once, don’t you?

And your idiot best friend does as well.

“He is scared.” Perida spills and Luna just keeps blinking at him with surprise. “Scared of what?”

“Scared that he will screw up.”

Luna snorts a little, covering her mouth with her hand. “Well, I would say that he’s able to see the future.”

Even Gastón giggles at this, though after a second he is back to being serious. “Listen, he’s never really had a girlfriend like this. He had been hooking up around or something and then you happened and he had no idea how to handle this.”

Luna stares at him with parted lips. “Handle what?”

“That he likes you.” Gastón mumbles with soft voice and, sadly, as soon as brunette opens her mouth to say something, the bell rings. Both of them growl and Perida can just smile and leave after kissing top of her head.

Before their class Matteo asks him where he was, but he just says that nowhere, ignoring curious stares from Ámbar.

His hands are shaking, because he is going to do something what could (possibly) fuck him up in every way until the very end of the world. And as dramatic as it sounds, this is true truth and Matteo Balsano can’t recall being so stressed ever before. He fixes his shirt again, rolling up his sleeves neatly and takes few deep breaths before knocking the door.

At first, it seems that he knocked too quietly, he feels almost relieved about that, and he is about to turn around and leave when the door opens. Matteo was sure that Miguel Valente will not be glad of him visiting, but well, he’s already here, right?

“Good afternoon,” Matteo mumbles, anxious as hell, and hoping that he won’t get kicked out.

“Luna’s not here yet.” Luna’s father just answers and wants to close the door, but Italian can’t really let him do this. “I’m sorry, I’m not here for Luna. Not yet.”

Miguel frowns at him very, very much. Matteo wants to go home. “So why are you here if not for Luna?”

Balsano softly clears his throat. “I came here to talk… about something important, I believe.”

Luna’s dad opens his mouth but Monica pushes him aside and smiles a little seeing Matteo, who suddenly feels better and safer when she seems to be positive about his visit.

“Matteo.” Her smile grows. He has no idea why; he did hurt her daughter and said many ugly things, yet she is actually warm to him. “Miguel, I hope you weren’t holding this boy here for long.” She turns to her husband before looking at Matteo again. “Come on in, I will make some tea.”

It’s actually weird to be sitting by the kitchen counter in Benson mansion where he’s never really been before. Ámbar has never been fond of sitting in the kitchen so he’s never pushed, but now it feels normal and natural; it’s lowkey Luna’s place and her parents work here mostly, and he can see that it’s not this fancy cooking place like at his or Gastón’s place. Here it’s warm, there’s always nice smell around and right now he is sitting over some tea, the scent seems great so Matteo truly believes it is going to be tasty as soon as it cools down a little.

Monica throws Miguel out of the room when he keeps staring angrily at Matteo, though it’s not like he minds. Miguel’s curses are nothing compared to those coming from Ámbar. Luna’s mom smiles at him, as if she knows that he has a problem and he has this impression that one warm, soft look from her will solve all bad things on the world. His mother never really tried to solve his problems, but in this very moment Italian knows that it’s mostly his fault after being always so closed from his parents.

He is gonna work on it when he fixes this.

“So, Matteo,” Monica starts, leaning against the counter and playing with her mug. “I heard that you came here to talk. Is it maybe Luna connected?” She asks and he chuckles a little, because this woman actually is ready to try to help him with his problems and he can’t believe this at all; does he even deserves this?

“Well, yes.” He mumbles. “Me and Luna, we had a fight recently.”

She nods at him taking slow sip of her tea and sighs. “I know, she told me.” Matteo closes his eyes, but she continues. “And she told me why.”

Balsano chokes a little, just a tiny bit. For a second he feels like Monica is going to spill her tea on his head and another moment he realizes that he should spend less time with Ámbar Smith and her killer ideas.

“I would lie if I said that I am surprised.” He just says with small shrug, staring at tea in his cup and sighs.

“If you are here, I believe that something changed since that day.”

Matteo moves his eyes to her after an impulse. “Actually yes. I need to apologize.” When he says it out loud it feels more real, he is more sure of it and it feels actually so nice. It’s fresh feeling and new, and Monica smiles at him even more before giving him a nod. “So if you want to say sorry, shouldn’t you be talking to Luna?” She laughs at him a little and he can’t help but laugh with her.

“Yes, yes. There is this thing following me all the time, though.” Matteo tries his tea and feels immediately warmer. “I mean, I know Luna told me that it doesn’t have to… That it’s not… That’s it shouldn’t…” He keeps stuttering and Monica takes the plate with cookies from another counter, places it by his cup and sits next to him.

“I know what you mean, it’s fine.” She nods. “Luna wasn’t really into telling me anything, especially next to her dad who knows like nothing about this, but eventually she told me what happened.”

Matteo almost jumps on his chair. “I know, and it was stupid, I know that and I came here without thinking before, but you are the source of the story Luna knows and-” she interrupts him. “And you want to know how it works that you like her. Am I right?”

He hesitates, because it would be admitting for the first time out loud that he likes Luna.

It’s definitely too late for this, so not giving it a second thought, Matteo nods softly and Monica smiles.

“Drink your tea. It will be cold soon.” She points at his mug and there is no way he is gonna not do something Monica tells him to. “I’m sure that you googled what soulmate means.” She waits for him to confirm, and when he hums, she continues. “And I’m sure you know that it’s really written there ‘a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner’ is it something like that’?”

“Yes.” Matteo answers and she smiles, frowning a little. “Then why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I just need to hear it when I’m in my senses, I guess.”

Monica sighs, taking a sip of her tea. “I never really believed in this story. Who would? It was just pretty thing to tell my baby daughter when she didn’t want to sleep. It’s not like I made it, because I heard it many times before and it was such great story that I couldn’t not tell it Luna.”

Matteo says nothing, not wanting to interrupt, but she pauses to take a cookie. “There’s not much to read about it in the internet, probably because American scientist never cared about this, but who would trust American scientists?” She laughs and he can only chuckle with her.

“Anyway, it starts at the very beginning of the world, of the universe, like everyone says it was the Big Bang, everything got created. After the initial expansion, the universe cooled sufficiently to allow the formation of subatomic particles, and later simple atoms. Those subatomic particles built up into atoms, then made the stars and galaxies. But some of them just got thrown into the space and somehow ended up in very different parts of universe. That’s probably completely not science connected, though the atoms “decided” to find each other no matter where the others are.” Monica looks at him, as if she’s checking if he still listens to her. Ha, like he’d ever be able to not listen to her. That would be super rude.

“Well,” Matteo starts when she doesn’t continue. “This sounds very smart and very complicated. Like why did they even ended up in some people? It’s not like people have been there since the very beginning.”

Luna’s mom nods and smiles again. So much smiling at him today. “Yes, but I never said that atoms went to people immediately. They could be part of some star before, now dead star and came with the rest of the matter said star spread around after collapse. You know, Matteo, that nothing here is so permanent or stable.”

Italian hums, looking at his cup and sighs. “So it could be also this that they happened to be at one place by accident?”

She thinks it over and frowns a little, but nods eventually. “Yes, but also some can be from old binary star. They can be from anywhere and it’s really no rule, no guessing for that. The point is that in this whole story there is no word about the relationship between two people. There’s mentioned only that they are bound to meet, even if they can never do this of course, but the character of their relation will always be whatever they decide.” Monica pauses for a second to take small breath in and for a cookie. “Do you understand that, Matteo? Do you know what to do with it now?”

He smiles at her widely and nods. “Yeah. I think I know.”

#lutteo #soy luna #luna valente #matteo balsano #i never knew #my writing

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poipoi1912 · 8 years

Text

Barba Theories Part 5

(Part 4 here, Part 3 + previous links here)

As always, (my thoughts) on your thoughts.

(last post for now since we won't even see Barba again for like another month and a quick-ish one at that, because i'm a little sick today, boooo)

New Theories - Personal

Going through my inbox (which is overflowing, thanks and also sorry it takes me forever sometimes <333) I found this lil’ nugget which was probably sent by a sweet anon weeks ago, lol:

The hacking reveals something with his health - I'd bet on psychiatric, maaaybe rehab of some kind.

Whoa. That’s something I hadn’t considered!

It certainly makes sense, and if it involves rehab (which would potentially mean he was impaired while trying some cases) it would definitely put his career in jeopardy! Plus it’s consistend with Barba’s previous characterization. Not that he’s ever shown to be an alcoholic, of course, but all those shots of him downing whiskey/bourbon while stressed could be re-interpreted as suggestions he may have had an issue with drinking in the past, or that he has a habit of turning to alcohol when he’s stressed (say, after the death threats?.

I’m not sure I trust the SVU writers to handle mental illness well, so that option would be trickier to pull off, but still. This is a very intersting idea, and a deeply personal secret, and something Barba might possibly want to keep private, even from Liv.

@leaper182 (also probably a few weeks ago, lol <3) said:

I wonder if maybe Rafael had an affair with a politician who's married or something. I can't see Rafael himself being in the closet -- he comes across more as someone who doesn't advertise that he's bisexual, but he wouldn't deny it if he were asked point-blank about it either. But maybe if he made the mistake of having an affair with a married man or something, and it's this big ~shocker~ because this guy was all about straight marriage or something...? Hmmm. :\

Ooh. An affair with a married male politician, maybe even a conservative one, who might have more to lose than Barba? Now that’s a good theory. If the secret involves Barba being bi or gay, this would be a good way to do it. It wouldn’t give us personal angst for Barba; it would show us a middle-aged successful professional like him, being comfortable in his own skin. At the same time, though, it would show us that for some people, being in the closet might be seen as almost imperative. A message could still be sent, without getting too preachy.

New Theories - Professional

Another anon said:

Barba secret theory. He cheated on a big test. Something like the bar or the sat. Something that makes his education nullified even if he is really smart anyways.

Ooh, that would be a non-salacious but literally career-threatening secret. It’s pretty much what happened to my boo Cutter on the Mothership, but SVU has been recycling storylines for ages, so why not that one, too? It was a good one, lol.

Yet another anon said:

my pet barba theory (without giving away how much i've clearly thought about this. . .) is that it has to do with his time as a brooklyn ADA. he requested a "lateral move" from brooklyn which we learn in his first episode, Twenty-Five Acts. i guess it's a bit hopeful to expect the writers to go hard with continuity. but i think something happened to him back then that he's been hiding.

That’s a great theory, actually. Whatever the actual secret is, it’s likely to involve Barba’s career prior to his joining Manhattan SVU. Lateral moves are definitely suspicious, if Barba wasn’t moving up, why did he want to leave? I agree that contonuity is always an issue with SVU, but this idea would be really easy to work into the episode, with just a throwaway reference. Plus it would explain why Liv doesn’t now, and maybe even why Barba won’t tell her, because it would involve Brooklyn detectives/precincts and Liv would have no jurisdiction. Barba wouldn’t want Liv to step out of line for his sake.

Death Threats? What Death Theats?

An anon said:

I think the Barba secret will have something to do with the death threats because remember what Heredio said -- "we know things about you, things you wouldn't want people to know" No idea what the things might be (love the idea of a juvie record and maybe something to do with his dad) but I hope he doesn't fuck up too bad. And I ship Barson hardcore so I'm sad he doesn't go to Liv :(

Ooh, another great callback! I would love it, just for continuity purposes, if the writers were inspired by that line to create a secret for Barba. Heredio’s line sounded like it involved something personal, so let’s see what happens now. Also, I’m with you, I can’t see why Barba wouldn’t just go to Liv. Whatever his secret is, and however we all see Barson (platonic or with the potential for romance), they’re friends. She trusted him with Noah’s paternity, which was huge for her, and deeply personal, and I think Barba should also trust her with this. But, honestly, Barba can be more of a hothead, more impulsive, so perhaps it makes sense that he’d do something more drastic.

Speaking of Liv, another anon said:

I'm not feeling anything about Barbara secret because I know it's just going to get all twisted around to be all about liv because I love her but jfc the whole season has been about her and no other fucker has had a storyline or even a story word

Hehehehe well, even if Barba doesn’t tell Liv immediately, I’m sure she’ll find out eventually, and it’ll be all about her in the end :) I just hope the writers try to show us that she’s a great friend, so maybe Barba can have part of the spotlight, while still propping her up. Like, it can still be All About Liv, but if Liv is determined to help her friend, Barba gets to shine, too, you know?

Barba’s Aspirations

An anon said:

I hope Barba's secret is some kind of a political scandal where you can clearly see his ambition to become the next DA. But I am afraid that we all get excited only to be disappointed. And in the end it will be a cheap shot like a secret affair with the wife of someone with political influence. Or it is coming out of nowhere (Hello Hank Abraham) and Barba is framed for possession of child pornography.

Absolutely agreed. It really chaps my ass how we never see anything about Barba’s ambitions, or his goals. Will he be an ADA forever? Why don’t they make him an EADA like Cutter? Who is the DA? Why not cast someone in that role? Or (if it’s still Jack McCoy <3) why not cast an EADA to be Barba’s sort-of boss, put some pressure on him and show us what Barba is going through at the office?

Lastly, I truly hope it won’t be anything remotely similar to the Abraham case. I don’t think it will be. They wouldn’t do that to Barba. I’m sure of that.

#rafael barba #olivia benson #svu #law and order svu #barba thoughts #speculation #lol i love how this was supposed to be quick #but srsly i like the health or rehab idea the most #hmmmmm #let's see what happens #in like may when we see barba again #sigh #as #i hope i didn't miss any of your theories #but i probably did #i'm sick #sighhhhh #excuse any typos btw #i love you all

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unadulteratedrebelrunaway · 6 years

Text

A SCENE AT AN A.A. MEETING

[8/23/18]

Alexander W. Benson II

My name is Rex. I run a local A.A. I'm the one who conducts the meetings. I make sure the trains run on time. I might be in my sixties, but don't let the grey hair fool you. You get smart with me; I'll kick your ass. I am responsible. I am the go to guy when anyone needs anything. If anybody has a problem with anyone else, come to me. I'll take care of them.

People think I'm an *******, but I help people. I just use tough love. For instance, this one guy came up to ask me a question. I cut him off because I knew exactly what he was going to say. I happened to see the broken chair behind him.

"Shut up. Listen, and learn. You shouldn't have broken that chair. You're going to have to own up to what you did."

***

The other guy tells me his side. "I was sitting on a chair, and it broke. I wanted to bring it to Rex's attention since Rex is always bragging about how he runs the show. I tried explaining it to him. I figured I would own up to it since I was sitting on it. The bastard talked over me, accused me of trying to break the chair. When I countered, he walked away and barked an insult as he raced away from me."

***

Then I am talking to Rex again. "Oh yeah, this young, real dumb kid walked up and tried passing the buck. I knew he broke that chair. I called him out for it, and since I'm a real busy man, I had to meet someone else. The bastard probably thought I had all the time in the world for his shenanigans."

***

Unfortunately, I am talking to the human enema bag again. "I like to give tough love sometimes. Some ten year old boy walked up to me after one meeting and I saw he was crying. I told him to knock it off. Then the boy told me his parents died in a house fire while he watched."

"Why didn't you save them?" says Rex.

"I tried to but the firefighters held me back," says the boy.

"I told him that was no excuse," says Rex. "If that was me watching my parents, I would have thrown those firefighters across the street and my parents would have still been here today, so don't you give me any of that helpless victim crap."

"I told him to buck up and stop it right this minute," says Rex. "Crying won't bring them back. The kid started bawling, so I called him a pansy because I figured if I pissed him off enough, he would get mad and stop crying. Kids must be wimps these days because then he cried even worse. Running out of patience, I slapped him across the face. I called him a coward for not facing life. Would you believe a bunch of people ran up to me and started yelling at me? I'm a busy man, and since I had important things to do I turned around and tended to those other tasks. The kid's uncle ran up to me and started ranting so fast I couldn't understand him. I called the other guys over and told them to remove this man from the premises because I will not tolerate name-calling. If you can't act appropriately, you have to leave. Same rules for everybody. I enforce the law without discrimination. That is one thing you can definitely say about me. I don't discriminate."

"I have every right to be a hard-ass because I go around helping people. I'm not an *******. I just act like one all the time. If they don't want it, I'll make them accept my help. If they want help, I'm going to motivate them by yelling at them. My way works all the time. Except for all of those cases where people want to fight me. They have an attitude problem if you ask me."

"Then there are all those times it doesn't work. Nine times out of ten, the losers who come to me fail. It isn't me because I know what I'm doing. They're the problem. I'm always right, and they're wrong. They were weak so they failed. If they listen to my advice, which is perfect, then they will succeed every time. Just ask me. I'll tell you my way works because Rex Candy says it will."

"I'm the law and order around this place, and I'm as tough as they come. And yes, my **** doesn't stink! I can vouch for that, personally!"

***

It is Friday night, and the meeting starts. A former Marine is going to be the speaker. Rex is up there, ready to puke his self-proclaimed wisdom on the masses. It is time to lay down the law with all these miscreants. According to Rex, they are miscreants because they wouldn't be here if they were good people.

At the beginning of the meeting, Rex stands up in front of everybody. He sees somebody grabbing a coffee. "Hey you, put that down. What's wrong with you? Sit down."

"Everybody," says Rex, "when the meeting is going on, everybody sit down and shut up. It isn't nice to me, I mean the speaker, and it isn't nice to anyone else. If I catch anyone sneaking out of this room, I will deal with them swiftly. I will swoop down on them like an Eagle. And you don't want me to come after you because I'm your worst nightmare."

***

Sometime later, Rex is seated behind the Marine. He spots two hecklers in the crowd. Those two look crazy. Better not mess with them. I know, I'll just pretend they're not there.

A man with leg braces gets behind the podium and says, "My name is Will, and I'm an alcoholic. I guess you haven't figured it out yet, but I'm going to be the speaker this evening. I was born into an Irish Catholic family. I was the oldest of a litter of eleven. Since I could remember my parents used to get into fights. My dad was a salesman and he was always on the road. We always seemed to have money but mother never cared about that. He would come home drunk in the middle of the night and they would always end up in a fight. Back then the police didn't get involved. Anyway, my mother always got on my dad for never being home, and when he was he was always drunk. The violence didn't really bother me because I was always resentful toward the two of them for ignoring me. The only times they didn't ignore me was when I got bad grades, or when I did something bad. As I grew up it seemed almost every year I had a new brother or sister to play with. I loved them but I was always jealous of them because my parents seemed to hate me while they never stopped lavishing attention on them. I seemed to be the lonely type. At least that was the only thing I ever noticed."

A man who looks like Mork who is sitting in the audience gets up at this point and walks in front of the podium. He keeps bowing up and down and waving his right arm up and down like he was doing some bizarre ritual from a religion I cannot recognize.

A kid sitting behind him yells, "Amen."

Will does his best to ignore both of them despite looking a little annoyed. Rex doesn't do anything because he is intimidated by both of the troublemakers.

"As soon as I was able, I started hanging out with the kids who smoked," says Will. "I was only ten. We started skipping class and getting into fights. I thought it was awesome. I also felt like I belonged with these guys so in short I stopped going home. When I did get home my mother always gave me a beating for not being around to help out. I hated this because I resented my mother not loving me but always wanting me to do the heavy work because my dad was never around. Usually, I would be back on the street with my friends before dad got home. On the few occasions we intersected he would give me the beating of my life."

"Hallelujah," says Mork.

"Shut up, man!" says the kid who said Amen.

Will pauses and looks over at Rex. "Aren't you going to help me?"

Rex looks at him. "With what? Why do you need my help?"

Will points at the two shadowboxers who were only a few drinks short of entering the shadowlands.

"What are you pointing at?" says Rex. "I don't see anything." Rex says this despite the fact that everybody has been watching the two clowns for the whole meeting instead of listening to Will. I had trouble hearing Will talk.

"With them," says Will as he pokes his finger toward Mork and his buddy.

"You're imaging things," says Will. "Just shut up and keep talking." Then he looks over at the clock to make sure things are on schedule.

"My dad would beat me," says Will. "When I was little I didn't do anything because I was too scared, but now that I was a little older, and although I would still curl up into a ball and take it, now I was laughing through it. My dad would call me a no good, a no account, and some other choice nicknames. I would finally tell him I found people who loved me. Yeah, I said people who loved me. At least I thought so at the time. I got drunk for the first time that year. Then I got laid. I still remember her name, Jennifer. I was in love, but she wasn't. The next day I got in my first fight with one of my friends when I caught him screwing Jennifer. Jennifer would later get pregnant out of wedlock, deal drugs to support herself and the kid because the boyfriend left her when she got pregnant. As time went on all of my friends grew up and got a life, went to jail, died, or joined the military."

Rex is still ignoring the noisemakers: however, he jumps up when he sees someone quietly exit the room. "People, if I see one more person leave this room during this meeting I am going to be very upset," says Rex. Then Randy turns to Will. "Don't just stand there. Keep talking."

Now Will looks more annoyed by Rex than he did by the first two noisemakers. "You know, you're disturbing my speech too."

"A poor musician blames his instrument," says Rex. "Quit wasting time and try to wrap this stupid thing up."

Will does a double take on Rex and looks like he's going to hit Rex. "If I go back into the Marines, remind me not to enlist at the same time as you. I don't want to be in the same company with you, especially if we were to come face to face with the enemy."

"I don't like you either, but I'm getting tired of telling you to finish your speech," says Rex.

"There was a draft back then, and I didn't want to join the Army so I joined the Marines instead," says Will. He looks at Rex and adds, "Too many backstabbers in the Army. At this point I still didn't know I was an alcoholic but I figured if I left everything behind I would start a new life. A sober one that is. It turns out that only worked for a few weeks, and then I got back into the drunken saddle of hooch, except now I was better at it--in a bad way."

Will looks over at the two guys who are before him. Mork is still doing his weird blessing ritual while the kid is dancing around him shadowboxing. It is almost like each guy is completely unaware of the other one. Will shakes his head at them and says, "It takes all kinds."

"I'll fast forward to save time," says Will. "Now I'm a Marine. I was in Viet Nam doing the same thing my dad did in his day--fighting for my country. I remember I took some shrapnel one time. Ironically, it wasn't from battle. I was cleaning latrines and some idiot was playing with a hand grenade. It blew him to Kingdom Come but I ended up with buckshot in my right hip and thigh. I managed to limp over to the medic's tent. I told the nurse what happened but she didn't seem to believe me. She wrote down in the report that I injured myself through horseplay. If I wasn't in such pain from the shrapnel I would have been upset because in the Marines I could have been court marshaled for that. They might let people get away with shooting themselves in the foot to get out of service in the Army, but never in the Marines. I was escorted to a cot. The doctor comes over with a needle, and it wasn't one of them small painless ones like they have today. No, these things stung, and I didn't want the shot. The doctor told me it was Morphine so it would kill the pain. Then he could look at it. He wasn't taking no for an answer. He pulled rank on me and ordered me to take the needle or else I was in trouble for insubordination. I would find out later why he wanted to give me that needle so bad."

Mork and his friend start pushing into each other. They are both in the aisle in front of the podium that Will is speaking from. Everyone was looking over at these two and then Rex, wondering when he was going to be a hero. Somebody leans forward and taps Rex on the shoulder. "Hey, when are you going to do something?"

Randy hisses, "Don't touch me, you maggot." He points his arm toward Will and prominently sticks his chest out with pride. "That man served this country. Show a little respect."

One drunk in the back of the room whispers to another drunk. "I'll bet you five bucks those two windbags tee off for real in," he pauses and looks at the clock and adds, "less than five minutes."

The second drunk waffles a moment. "I also have a gambling problem so I shouldn't, but you're on." They shake hands.

"No welching when I win this bet, though," says the first drunk.

The second drunk smiles. "Did I also tell you I belong to a group of Compulsive Liars. We're called Liars Anonymous."

"I've never heard of them," says the first drunk.

The second drunk says, "That's because I just founded the organization. Like right now."

Rex stands up and looks past Mork and company. He shushes the two drunks in the back. "Quiet back there." He does so loudly so the drunks could hear him over the hecklers.

"It turns out the doctor was a faggot," says Will. "He raped me while I slept. He forgot to remove the shrapnel."

Some members of the audience try to act surprised, but this is the twentieth century, and the shock value isn't what it used to be.

"Well, anyway, I told myself I would find that bastard and get even with him," says Will. "I would do my time, which was up in six months, and then I would find him. It seemed like I was always trying to get even with somebody. Actually, at the time if I had to get even with only one person at a time, business was slow."

Will looks at the clock and sees he has five minutes. Job walks up to him and says, "Sorry about the distractions but could you please wrap it up. We need to conclude this meeting."

Will has to think fast. Then the idea strikes him. "Sorry people, but I've just been informed that I need to wrap this monkey business up. The long and short of it is I was always thinking of me, and I was always feeling resentful. That is what made me an alcoholic. As long as I live my life in the moment, and for other people, like my family I have now, and I keep going to these meetings, I will stay sober. If any of you feel like you are filled with resentment, I advise you to just let it go. Even if you don't forgive your enemies. Just let it go, people, because resentment will literally kill you. That is all."

The two whack-jobs are still going at it. The meeting adjourns and the first drunk sees five minutes ticked off with a fight. He tells the second drunk, "Looks like you won. Here's your five bucks."

"Can you give me that in ones, please?" says the second drunk.

"Sure, but I don't see what the big deal is," says the first one.

"You'll see in a minute," says the second one.

The first drunk hands the second one five singles, and the two of them shake hands. "It has been a pleasure doing business with you."

The first drunk furrows his brows at this and watches the second drunk walk over to the two clowns who couldn't behave like civilized adults. "One for you, and one for you. Gentleman, it has been a pleasure doing business with both of you."

The second drunk walks out the door. The first drunk races to the door and looks out to see the second drunk climbing into a black four door sedan. "Looks like a brand new car." They wave to each other as the second guy passes by.

Remember that lesson though. LET GO OF RESENTMENT. Resentment might seem like a good motivator in the short run, but it will eat you alive from the inside out. Just ask an alcoholic.

THE END

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