#i think all scars are so cool and i love them so muchhh

[autism-corner]

i love having wounds and scars it heals me.

[draggingthedregs]

Ok, here's a prompt then! 😊 "A quiet night. The Crows are staring at the stars in Wylan's house garden. Kaz notices Wesper and Helnik are cuddling, so he tries to win his fears and do the same with Inej."

a/n : hi! i loved this prompt so muchhh. and i had way too much fun with writing it which is why it took a bit longer then i had anticipated. but i am kinda proud of how it came out! i hope you enjoy what i did with it! 

word count : 2667

~~~

As much as Kaz would have liked to pretend otherwise, he looked forward to their dinners at Wylan’s. 

No one could really remember how they began. First it was a dinner to celebrate a tricky job in the Financial District. Then, the next weekend, it was to talk over possible ideas for the Crow Club renovation. They continued this way nearly every week since, sometimes missing a person or two, but never without a good reason. It was a constant for them; despite the dangerous jobs and greedy gangs and petty criminals of Ketterdam, they always had each other. 

That night had been the first dinner since Inej returned from sea. She’d been gone for nearly six months, her absence felt like a gaping hole for the rest of the gang. For a girl who was so good at being invisible, she was impossible not to miss. 

Kaz sat at his desk, his toe tapping an anxious rhythm against the wooden leg. He knew that she was to be back today, she had written weeks ago, promising to return in time for the first weekly dinner of the month. Was her ship sailing into Fifth Harbor? Had she already docked? Was she walking to the Slat or Wylan’s estate? Or had she been stuck at sea for longer then expected?

He let out a frustrated sigh, which coming from him, sounded closer to a growl. Too many damned questions swam about in his brain. Kaz scrubbed a hand over his face, running it back through his hair. He debated on leaving for dinner. Did he want to be early to greet her when she arrived? Would it be better to wait? To let her talk with the others? 

You are a damned fool, Brekker. 

Here he was, focused on whether or not to be fashionably late to a house he’d visited more times then he could count. And for what? Inej was just a girl, the same girl she had always been. Kaz was sure upon first glance, she’d smile and make a remark on how tired he looked and how the saints had intended for their people to sleep. She would hug the others, let Jesper lean an elbow on her shoulder, gift everyone with some trinket from her travels, and she would complete them.

Yet he couldn’t help but wonder if there would be more, specifically where he was concerned. Before she left, they had tried to hold one another, he had tried. The gloves were discarded, his hands trailing up her arms to her bare shoulders, landing at the nape of her neck and the bottom of her jaw. It was slow and gentle, for his sake and hers. Inej responded with a gentle hand on the crook of his elbow, a silent ask for permission to touch in return.

Kaz gave a small nod, whatever pain he felt, being pushed away as he focused on her warmth, the glow of her steady gaze. She set her palms flush against his chest, her thumb running over the collar of his shirt. Her hand slid upward, warm against his neck. The other moved to his side and, whether she had meant to or not, nearly pressed her front against his. 

The cold water crept into his lungs, his breath catching. He couldn’t feel her warmth through his shirt, couldn’t feel his hands on her skin, only felt nausea crawling through his veins.  Inej noticed immediately, pulling herself back, the look on her face apologetic. Kaz took a deep breath and forced himself to look at her, It’s Inej, Inej is warm, Inej wouldn’t let you drown. When he felt ready, he reached for her hand. 

She took it cautiously, afraid to hurt him again; he could see the guilt swimming in her eyes. Kaz simply gave a gentle squeeze, pulling her close enough to lean down and nudge the tip of her nose with his. It was small but it was something, a way to explain that he wasn’t angry, that he would be ready someday. He just didn’t know when. 

Finally, tired of debating it, he shoved up from his desk. He would leave for Wylan and Jesper’s, arrive whenever he did, and that would be that. Kaz reached for his cane, throwing his suit jacket on. The walk from the Slat to the estate wasn’t horrible, and he’d certainly done worse, but it gave him just enough time to think, something he wasn’t sure he needed.

A thought crossed his mind as he started on his way: maybe he’d never make it to dinner, maybe he’d throw himself into the canal before ever getting there.

*

The house was always warm. No matter the season, no matter their pain, it was a safe place from it all. There was a soft glow emanating from the front windows, similar to the pubs and pleasure houses of the Barrel yet… so very different. This glow was made of life and comfort, a home cooked meal and bright candles; the Barrel’s light was built of greed and lust, a smokey imitation of contentment.

Kaz looked either direction before swiftly picking the lock to their front door. He himself had designed it, a complex system of locks and gears, ensuring their safety and ensuring that he’d never have to wait for Jesper to answer the door. After he entered, he clicked it shut behind him, turning the series of locks once more. 

There was a bright raucous of chatter and laughter. It floated through the halls, accompanied by the smell of warm waffles, to reach him in the foyer. As he turned through the maze of corridors, coming upon the dining room, a small smile pulled at the corner of his lips. 

Wylan was making an attempt at setting the table, forcing Jesper to help, trying to set trays around Nina, who had taken to sitting directly on the table. She plucked a cinnamon covered waffle from its plate, popping a chunk in her mouth, hoping Wylan wouldn’t notice. 

“Nina!”

She spoke with a full mouth, forming words around the half chewed waffle. “Wha-?”

Jesper let out a laugh, “There will never be a day when Nina Zenik doesn’t get the first and last waffle.” 

Matthias spoke up, throwing an arm around Nina’s shoulders. “And you’d better not fight her for them either.”

“I’m sure Zenik wouldn’t let you walk away with all ten fingers.” Kaz finally spoke up, walking closer to the table. 

They all turned, Nina scowling at him, as per usual. 

“Look who decided to join us!” Jesper put a disapproving hand on his hip, looking bare without his gunbelt.

“I didn’t realize I was late. Actually, if I’m not mistaken, we’re still missing another person.”

Wylan smiled, “You’re fine, Kaz. Sit.” He added a last remark before turning to get the silverware, “Shove Nina off the table while you’re at it.”

Her distaste for Kaz seemed to have disappeared, replaced by a bubbling excitement. “Do you know when her ship’s supposed to dock? Is she on her way here?”

“I don’t work on the docks. I know what she said in the letter which means, I know as much as you do.” 

She grumbled, stepping off the table to sit in the seat across from where Kaz stood. Matthias settled in next to her, reaching over for her hand.

Suddenly, Kaz was keenly aware of something behind him, an unsettled silence ebbing into his peripheral; his spine stiffened, ever-so-slightly. It was a familiar feeling, a presence he hadn’t realized he missed this much. He felt it like a punch to the gut, all the wind nearly knocked from his lungs. After all these months, it was a wonder he hadn’t lost his sense for her.

Inej’s voice came first. “I hope I’m not too late.” She stepped up next to him, pulling back her hood, a soft smile on her lips. 

Kaz felt as though his knees may give way. He let his eyes rove over her, paying careful attention to new scars on her arms, the long braid laying against her shoulder, her keen gaze that met his before anyone else’s. 

He searched for something to say, his voice awestruck and near disbelief, coming out in a breathless gasp. She was really here, she was really home. “Wraith.” 

Inej gave a bright and knowing smile, “Kaz.” 

He had just managed to give a grin in return when Nina tackled her into a hug. Inej laughed, hugging back and then, she was swept away from him. Kaz watched as she smiled and greeted everyone, felt everything brighten when she laughed, the laugh that nearly made him drunk with bliss. With Inej came a sense of completion, the closing of a door just slightly ajar; everything felt right with her there. 

*

Dinner was mostly used as time to bombard Inej with questions about being on the sea, asking for stories of her adventures as if they were a group of children listening intently to bed time stories. She obliged happily, telling of swordfights and rescues, naming all the people she saved from each ship. Kaz sat it silent amazement of her. Inej was always too good for the Barrel, too good to be just another spider crawling through the sludge, but now she was living it, and she was thriving. 

After they finished eating and stacking their dishes on trays to be returned to the kitchen, Wylan suggested they go out to the garden. Ketterdam hadn’t reached the peak of summer yet, bringing with it an unbearable heat. The air around them still cooled as the sun descended in the sky, allowing for a comfortable evening. 

The six of them sat down on the grass and, in the soft glow of the moon and their half formed circle, they looked like the children that they were. It was easy to forget that the oldest of them barely pushed eighteen, especially after all they’d been through, after all they’d done. And yet, here they were; a group of teenagers staring at the stars together. 

Kaz looked over at the others, paying close attention to their unbridled affections in the safety of the garden walls. 

Jesper pulled Wylan onto his lap, the smaller boy leaning his head gently against his chest, blushing and giggling at whatever obscenities Jes whispered into his ear. 

Matthias and Nina laid back against the grass, his arm wrapped around her body, pulling her tight against him. His arm was pointed to the sky as he talked to her softly, tracing the shapes of constellations with his finger and telling her their stories from memory. 

Kaz looked to Inej at his right. She looked content, her chin lifted and her eyes closed, breathing in deeply, as if this were the first time she’d ever experienced a night like this. He realized this was close to the first moment they’d had to themselves since she’d arrived and he found himself struggling with what to say once more.

Inej turned a bit in his direction, the corners of her lips upturned. “I can feel you staring.” Her words came out like a forgotten melody he was hearing for the first time in years. 

“You’re aware as ever then.”

Her smile widened and she opened her eyes, “The sea doesn’t change your instincts, just makes you adapt them.” Then, her gaze met his. “Had you hoped you could start sneaking up on me?”

In all honesty, Kaz wasn’t sure what he had hoped for. But he knew that having her home, having her next to him, was certainly near the top. “Ketterdam would never be ready for the day when a crip like me could sneak up on the Wraith.” 

Inej laughed, and again Kaz thought he could survive on that sound alone. A comfortable silence sat between them yet, he couldn’t help but remember all there was to discuss. 

“Inej…”

“You don’t have to.”

A sigh escaped him. He took another moment before whispering what he’d really been thinking all night. “I missed you.”

Inej realized that she had wanted to hear those words from him, she had been waiting for them. Not expectantly, not as if she believed he owed it to give her as much; she simply craved them. She had waited to see him like this, to be near him again. Her eyes met his again, the look in them just as desperate and starved as his. “I missed you too.”

Kaz gently reached for her hand, giving her space to pull away if that was what she wanted. But she wanted the exact opposite; she wanted to be as close as their minds would allow. It was then she noticed that he hadn’t been wearing his gloves. A smile spread as their bare fingers intertwined. 

For a moment, they both stared at their hands. The touch, after so long of being apart, felt like thousands of stars exploding between them. They were burning alongside the sparkling constellations they were studying in the night sky, mere minutes ago.

After he was sure they both felt comfortable, he moved closer. Kaz kissed the back of her hand before letting it go, wrapping the same arm around her back, letting it fall against her hip. He was careful to listen for any change in her breathing, feel for her stiffening or beginning to inch away. But she remained, letting her head fall against his shoulder. 

Kaz waited for the worst. He waited for the cold water to wash through him, her warmth turning clammy beneath his touch. But it never came. The garden remained around him; Inej, a steady beat of life, pressed to his side. 

His thumb moved up and down against the back of her arm. It caught the edge of a thick, raised scar he didn’t remember being there. He let his fingers explore it at her mercy. 

Inej simply smiled, “A rough privateer.” 

“I don’t remember hearing of a privateer in your stories?”

“Seemed a bit bloody for the dinner table.”

“Will you tell me?”

And so she did. She told him everything, from how he’d tried to take her ship to how he then decided he’d take her arm instead. 

Kaz felt anger bubble up within him at the image of his Wraith, bleeding on the ships deck. Perhaps because it was something he was all-too-familiar with. “Where is he now?”

Inej looked up and smiled, giving a small shrug. “The bottom of the ocean.” A crooked and true smile spread on Kaz’s lips. She registered it as pride; it made her heart stutter in her chest. Her chin lifted, the tip of her nose barely touching his. 

With the tilt of his head, their lips met. It was only a soft brush, testing it for the both of them. When neither pulled away, he tried again. This time deeper and longer, as if the months apart had finally caught up to them. They just wanted to hold one another, even if this was as far as they could ever go, it didn’t matter for them. This was all they needed. 

Inej smiled into his lips, breaking them apart. Kaz felt himself smile in return. 

A laugh escaped him, filled with pure joy he never thought was possible. “What is it, Wraith?”

She shrugged, a blush settling on the tops of her cheeks. “I just- I didn’t realize it could be like that.” 

He pressed his lips to her hair and she settled into the crook of his neck. 

In that moment, Kaz realized he felt happy, a feeling he of all people, surely didn’t deserve. But even if he didn’t, he would earn it. He would be a better man, even if it was only for her. Inej would be his exception, his anchor, his reason, and he would do anything possible to ensure that he deserved her. 

Dirtyhands and the Wraith… what a pair they made. 

fin.