#i think I've hit a new stage of tired where I'm not feeling tired I'm feeling weak and brittle like a Zwieback

[meerschweinchen-archive]

when is daylight savings i Need that extra hour

[datsleepygirl]

Telling Law You're Pregnant

I swear, everyone on my Insta feed is posting pregnancy announcements, which gave me this idea of telling our babies that they will be expecting one of their own. Here's an official announcement though : I'm back!!

tw: mentions of pregnancy, a large amount of fluff <3

status : not proofread yet

-

we're starting with my favourite doctor, obviously. Just imagine this man with a baby in his hand- 😩

"Well shit." I mentally cursed, pregnancy test in hand. With recent 'events' happening regularly at night, it was just a matter of time that Law will hit the jackpot with me. I glanced at the other 3 tests from different brands I bought just in case. Thank god we were docked during this period of time, which allowed me to slip into pharmacies without the crew noticing after using the 'grocery shopping' card on them. I put a hand on my belly, slowing rubbing it as a small sigh left me.

Am I excited? Of course.

Am I nervous, hell ya.

Me and Law are at a stage where the both of us are stable enough to have a child popping into our lives so suddenly, but how would he feel about it? Is he okay with the idea of having a child so soon? How will he react to the news of a freaking baby coming 10 months later?

I heard the door of our bedroom open for a slight moment, then being shut. I collected the pregnancy tests, shoved them into my pocket and flushed the toilet, pretending nothing had happened.

"Hey, we shouldn't be docking again until 3 months later. You got everything you need?" Law greeted me after I exited the bathroom, hanging his coat and putting his hat on the desk. "I'm good. You done with all your work for the day?" I sat on the bed, looking at him with a hint of uncertainty in my gaze. "Yeah, didn't have much to do besides from a few reports. You okay? You look stressed out." Law took a seat next to me, wrapping his arm around me while planting a kiss to my temple. "Meh, just a bit tired. Can you... lie down with me for a bit?" I requested. Law responded with a smile and shifted us to a lying position. He had one arm under his head with the other one served as my pillow. We both relaxed in each other's presence.

Now's a good time to tell him.

"Hey babe. Have you ever thought about starting a family? Ya know, having a mini you or me running around?" Law chuckled at my question. "With you, the answer is always yes. Remember when I told you that when you ran into my world, I started seeing colours? I started feeling emotions that I've haven't felt in years - love. It's such a beautiful emotion that I wish I could just bottle it up and give it to our child." My heart warmed at the sight of Law's loving smile as he stared at me. I leaned in for a small kiss as I told him to give me his hand. Confused, he complied without asking.

"I'm sure that... this little guy will be happy to hear about that." I put his hand on my belly as I looked back at him with the same loving smile he gave me a moment ago. Law's expression remained as a confused one before it turned into pure shock, causing me to giggle.

"You're...?"

"Yes babe, I'm pregnant." As soon as those words came out of my mouth I was pulled into a tight hug, from the man trembling above me.

"Are you crying?"

"Shut up..."

I laughed with a few of my tears escaping from my eyes as well. "You sure?" Law asked me without breaking the hug. "Yeah, I took like, 4 tests from different brands, just to make sure. I was still shocked. I mean, we used condoms. Not that me being pregnant is a bad thing, though." I said as I showed him the tests I took. Holding them in hand, Law got teary eyed once again. "Condoms only work about 97% of the time, but who gives a fuck about that right now?" he put the tests on the dresser beside our bed as he embraced me again. "I love you so much. Thanks for loving me despite all my flaws and me being all moody in the morning. Thinking about you walking around, carrying our child... it's insane to think that someone as amazing as you is carrying my baby with you..." I smiled as I cupped his cheeks in my hands, "If anything, I'm the lucky one. Thanks for giving me such an amazing gift. I just know that you're gonna be an amazing father. I already have a feeling that if this baby is a girl, she'll be a daddy's girl for sure." Law reached down to rub my belly, that same loving smile returning as he did so.

"If that's the case, then I guess there's gonna be one more person calling me daddy from now on. Not that I'm complaining." I hit him playfully on the arm as he shamelessly smirked as his own joke.

"I'll run some tests on you tomorrow, okay? I don't think I'm in the mood to let go of you anytime soon. I'm gonna have you scooped up in my arms the whole night." I snuggled closer, burying my face in his chest as I answered, "Sounds perfect, my baby daddy."

The soft touches on my belly never stopped. Law spoke to our little angel again as his touches lured me into a peaceful slumber.

"See you in 10 months, our little miracle."

-

okay not gonna lie, I love this :)))) Here's to all you lads out there who waited patiently for new content. I have a whole series of these coming up, so please wait for a bit longer for the rest of our favourite men in line <3

and this ain't a Law fic if I don't tag the OG Law writer in my opinion @sashi-ya thanks for all the encouraging and loving words, I'm so grateful to have met you on this writing journey <3

[agirlandherquill]

through the puddles of ink

since it's a new academic year, a new chapter of my life and i thought, since i've been on tumblr for around eight months now that it's about time i properly introduced myself - this would shock the person i was when i first started this blog, but as it's grown so have i, and i think university has indefinitely helped my confidence - so, without further ado, here goes i'll start this properly by explaining the title of this post - through the puddle of ink

ink is important because obviously it is the basis of literature, the foundation of stories and fitting to my blog name, you dip the quill in the ink to write, to forge an adventure that tests the imagination and takes a reader to wonderful places and puddles because let's face it, ink is messy, ink is chaotic, just like me, my characters, and my writing and because through the looking glass is a very iconic title i also watched that movie in the cinema years ago, i took inspiration, and here we are now - this post is a reflection of me, the beautiful nightmares and writing gremlins that co-exist within my brain and a way for me to get to better know my mutuals, anyone and everybody on writeblr!

here comes the scary part - only for me, and my semi-awkward self - introducing myself, i've never been very good at this stuff so bear with me - and have mercy on my nervous soul,

for the longest time i've loved the sort of self-imposed anonymity of this blog, and don't get me wrong i still do adore my blog name but I thought it was about time I properly introduced myself, so, let me just shuffle some papers in the library of my mind, find the right phrasing for this and... (cue angry hitting of the keyboard) hello! my name is Erin and i'm a writer, a lover of chaos, and a semi-functioning tempest somehow existing within society - i love and ramble about lots of different things - books, shows, songs, you name it, i can waffle and sometimes i can waffle well (that is how i am now going to describe my writing, because it feels like it fits so well)

phew, i got that out, that tiny paragraph was a lot of effort (and i've beaten writers block more often than i can count)

this little post might not seem like much, but to me it's a lot, and i'm happy to have made it this far, and i'm so looking forward to continuing to grow alongside this blog and writeblr (i love you all, no seriously)

and now onto some very much needed rambling about my works, because there's a lot the lovely folk of writeblr are yet to know (and it will come, in time, but here's what i can say for now)

Ruin's Reprisal - we all know the tale of this, my oldest, most functioning (cough, using that term loosely) work - well, where to start? well, i'm on the final stage of proofreading, and once that's all done i'm hoping (let's be honest, dreaming,) to have the final draft complete and out in the great wide world come christmas/new year (that is a courageous goal, even for me, but who knows, maybe i can pull it off, just maybe)

A Deal Of Daggers - it's almost time for nanowrimo, which marks two years since the idea for this first came to me, and i cannot wait to spend autumn working on it (not that i am participating in nano properly this year, what with student-life obligations, but i'm going to write what i can) and i've been steadily chipping away with a few chapters already

those are my two main works, and probably the only works i've been focusing on over the last couple of months - and i've fallen completely and wholeheartedly in love with them all over again, as i do, every single time i open the files on scrivener

as far as my tired but over-eager to write brain can think this should be it for everything i wanted to include in this post until the next post (which won't be long, i can guarantee it),

~ Erin, A Girl and Her Quill, or whatever this hellscape would like to call me :)

~ ~ ~

now for the tag list! (i forgot to add it when i posted, oops!)

(p.s if you'd like to be included/notified too, interact with this post :))

@humbly-a-doppelganger @imawholeassmood @frostedlemonwriter @yrndrgn @abditorywriting

@riveriafalll @lead-to-code @casualsuitturtle @floweryprosegarden @joeys-piano

@catwingsathena @godsmostfuckedupgoblin @nothoughtsjustmhaandotherthings @anaisbebe

@drchenquill @leahnardo-da-veggie @tiredpapergirl @pastelpinkhobbies

[poisonmedani]

Me & You Together | Remus Lupin

Remus Lupin x reader

words 2,1k

modern!au, fluff, Remus' POV, language, friends to lovers

a/n: spontaneous one, hope you'll enjoy <3

MASTERLIST || REQUESTS

And there's been no way for me to say That I felt a certain way In stages, oh I think the story needs more pages, yes

Every single time I see that girl — swear, every single time — I tell myself 'I need to talk to her', and somehow I never do. I'm not even sure for how long I've been looking forward to see Her at all those parties — always hated them, but not anymore.

Don't remember how we met, but that's unimportant, we did nonetheless. Couldn't be happier for James finally seeing Lily, well, because The Girl is her friend, so now we are friends.

Honestly, that's even worse. Why didn't I ask her out when I first saw her? This will forever be the mystery to me. Because now she only sees me as a friend.

"Didn't take you for a jokester, Remus," she cooed from behind, patting my shoulder.

"Well, I am a man of many talents, thank you very much," I answered. That was weird, right? Stop being weird.

"I figured," she chuckled, fixing herself a drink.

"I can help you with that," I got her the whiskey from the top shelf, gently tapping her hip with mine.

"Oh, wow, thank you," she was looking at my hands as I was mixing the only cocktail I knew — it was her favourite. "Always the gentelmen."

"Anything for you, my lady," I offered her the glass.

"Oh, Remmy, you're so nice," she playfully squeezed my jaw with her small hand.

"If I'm so nice, why don't you go out with me?" I boldly stated. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Oh, God" her hand fell. "I'll have to think. Because we're mates, it doesn't feel right."

She got so serious, I panicked.

"It's cool," I answered. "I'm just messing, Y/N/N."

"Ohh," she let out a breath and a little laugh, "sorry, I thought you were serious, you didn't sound like you were jo- okay whatever, you were messing, okay- uhm- I better- uhm- go?" she gestured to the room where everyone was.

"Sure." Does it sound convincing? Yeah, it probably doesn't.

***

Have you ever felt possessive over a person that was never yours? Well, I certainly have.

Y/N was sitting across from me, reading a book I recommended, and, of course, this bloke must hit on her, right in the library. What a prat!

"I love me a smart girl," this pillock said.

"Congrats," she looked at him with disgust and quickly returned to the book.

"What're you reading?" he closed her book to see the cover.

"Listen, mate, fuck off of her," I chimed in.

"D'you mind?" he said.

"Yeah, I do," I stood up, which proofed to be the right move, because he got scared and fucked off.

"Thanks," she said sheepishly and sighed. "Are you done yet? I wanna leave."

"Yeah, I'm done," I answered putting my things in the bag.

"No, Remmy, if you're not, it's fine, I'll wait," she looked guilty. Why the hell would any of this be her fault?

"Y/N/N, I am done, don't worry, okay?" I assured her. "Let's go to mine, I'll get you some tea, huh? How does that sound?"

I came up to her side of the table to put my arm around her frame.

"That sounds lovely, thanks," she still sounded sheepish.

"Hey, c'mon, don't let this idiot ruin your mood," I led her to the exit.

"It's nothing, really," she lied. "I'm just tired."

"Darling, I'm not gonna argue with you, but just so you know, I know when you're lying."

She smiled, finally.

"What kind of tea are we having tonight?" I asked.

"I need cammomile after this."

"Okay, you will stay the night, right?"

"Oh, no, Rem, I've been staying a whole lot recently."

"Well, I'm just saying that I won't let you wander through the night, so you might as well stay."

It sounded creepy. Lord, why the hell did I put it like that?

She laughed. Thank god.

"If you're alright with that, I'd love to stay."

"Good, 'cuz we need to watch a new season, do you remember?"

"That's right," her eyes lit up, at last. "Is Siri home?"

"Yeah, he is, will it be a problem?"

We got outside.

"No, not at all," she answered simply. "Just wondering."

She has been staying a lot lately. So much that at some point we just fell asleep on the couch together — one of the best moments of my live, not gonna lie — and that from that moment on was the thing.

"Can we go straight to your room?" she asked quietly, taking off her shoes.

"Okay, but you can speak normally, Sirius isn't going to sleep any time soon," I whispered back.

"I know, just don't want to disturb him," she got so close and put her hands on my shoulders, looking up at me. I chuckled at that.

"Okay, go change, I'll get us tea," I squeezed her waist.

"Wait, I forgot to bring my clothes."

"Wear mine."

"What can I wear?"

"Anything you want," I smiled at her.

"Will you show me?" she was so timid.

"You can go through my stuff, it's fine, I trust you," I assured her.

"I dunno," she looked away from my face.

"Please, anything, surprise me, Y/N/N, okay?"

"Okay," she said, but it sounded more like a question.

We went our separate ways.

With two cups in one hand — she hates when I do it, because 'Remus, it's dangerous' — I knocked at my bedroom door.

"Come in," her voice sounded.

She was sitting on my bed, wearing my blue t-shirt and some joggers.

"Did I surprise you?" she said with a smile.

"You did," I put the cups on the bedside table.

"Please, just come here already," she patted the bed.

"Eager," I laughed. "In a second."

When I came back in the room, she was under the blanket. As soon as I got under the blanket she passed me my cup and smiled the brightest smile.

"Now, let's watch," she looked at the screen, waiting for me to hit 'play'.

Soon after she finished her tea, she dozed off on my shoulder.

***

"Ohh, here we are again," Sirius said in a raspy voice, when Y/N and I entered the kitchen in the morning. "Didn't hear you last night, don't be so shy, you can make some noice."

"Good morning to you, too," Y/N ignored Sirius' joke. If I'm being honest it probably wasn't that much of a joke, he must know I like her — probably since day one.

"Moony, I don't think you did a good job, she's not tired and still can walk, go back and finish what you started," Sirius went on. Y/N shook her head at him.

"Sit down, I'm gonna make us breakfast," I said.

"I'll help," she stood by my side.

"Darling, your lover boy can manage, sit down," Sirius sneered. She looked at him in disbelieve.

"I'm fine," I whispered to her.

"Okay," she cooed in defeat, and sat across from Sirius.

"Sooo," Sirius started, "can't get enough of my friend here."

"Ha-ha, really funny."

"It is," he continued sipping on his tea.

"No, it's not, I feel really guilty about crashing at yours so often, but I just cannot listen to James banging Lily," Y/N spoke and looked at me, when I turned to them while waiting for a pan to heat.

"Don't feel guilty, it's fine," I chimed in.

"Yeah, right, and you found solace in the arms of one and only Remmy boy," Sirius' grin just widened with every single word that left our mouths.

"What would you do if James was fucking your roommate?"

"Well, if James shagged Remus I would've been really surprised," Sirius was as calm as ever.

"Okay, great," I turned away.

"What are turning away for? I'm not James. Not gonna shag you."

"Sirius," Y/N laughed.

"My lady, do you find it disturbing, me talking about your lover boy that way?"

"Shut it," she was still laughing.

***

"Oi, Y/N, need a ride?" James came in as the three of us sat on the couch.

"Yes, thank you, let me get my stuff," she quickly headed to my room.

"Slow down, I'm not going anywhere, take your time," James shouted. "Hello, lads." He made it to the couch.

"So, did you have a good sleep?" Sirius grinned.

"Sure," James smirked.

"I bet you had it was better than your girlfriend's roommate's," Sirius looked at me.

"What are you looking at me for?" I asked.

"Oh, really?" James said. "They didn't?"

Sirius shook his head.

"But she's wearing his clothes and everything."

"I know!" Sirius exclaimed.

"What do you two know?" I said dismissively.

"Apparently more than you," Sirius started. "Why don't you ask her out?"

"Because," I said, but couldn't think of any reason. I mean, I did ask her out once. But then backpedalled. "Because, her and I are mates. That's it."

"Do you believe that?" James said to me.

"Yeah, mate, for how long you've been dreaming about her already? Two years? Three?" Sirius pressed.

"Definitely three," James helped.

"Not three, and stop it," I escaped to the kitchen.

"So, more?" Sirius followed me.

"Definitely more," James was right behind him.

"Oh my god, would you leave me alone?" I snapped.

"What's with all the fuss?" Y/N reappeared.

"Nothing," I looked at the guys and rage was making its way through my body. "It was good to see you, Y/N, 'till later."

And I just left to my room. I didn't even give her a hug. Yeah, I'm an idiot.

***

"I upset you, I'm sorry, Remmy," her voice sounded soft through the speaker. "I will not bother you again, I promise, just don't be mad at me."

How could she think I was upset with her? Never.

I should've picked up the phone when she was calling.

I'm not mad with you, Y/N. I'm in love with you — that's what I wanted to write.

Sorry if it looked like you upset me. You didn't. The guys did, but I shouldn't have acted that way towards you. I'm sorry. You aren't bothering me. I love spending time with you. Please bother me more — that's what I actually wrote.

Y/N: You're not mad? What a relief!

Me: I can't be mad with you

Y/N: I'll remember that

***

Y/N was dragging me outside.

"What's with you, Remus, I barely recognise you," she started, grabbing my shoulders, so I'd look at her. I couldn't.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, not daring to look at her.

"So you almost got in a fight for nothing?" she didn't stop.

"Leave it at that, Y/N," I tried to shake her off.

"At what? I don't get it! Every time a guy pays me attention, you are getting aggressive. What's up with that?"

"If you don't know, then I don't either."

She was looking at me as I lit a cigarette.

"I thought you quit," she whispered.

"I thought so too," I couldn't even imagine looking into her eyes.

"I wish you would just talk to me," she sat down on the bench. "I don't know what else I should do to make you ask me out again, and I can't ask you out myself, because I'm a coward. I'm spending so much time with you that everyone knows that I fancy you, except for you. Remus, what the fuck should I do? Please, tell me? I'll do it."

I finally looked at her, into her sad eyes, a fag just slipped out of my hand.

"I know, it's my fault, because when you asked me out, I didn't say yes right away. But in my defence I didn't know what to do, I really needed time to process it. But you said you were joking and that's it. Were you really? Was I wrong thinking that you weren't? Because if so, it is fine. It's just, Sirius was..." she went on, looking down at her lap.

"You... fancy me?" was all I could say.

"Yeah, is it so bad?" her eyes were glassy.

"Oh, I am daft then," I took her hand in mine, dropping to my knees infront of her.

"You're not daft, why'd you say that?" she was so close to panting.

"Because I was a git, a blind one too," I kissed her knuckles.

"Stop calling yourself all these names, you are incredible, Remmy," she put her free hand on my cheek, and I couldn't help leaning into her touch.

"Answering your question, you don't have to do anything. Y/N Y/L, will you go on a date with me? Forever the idiot."

"I told you, stop," she wanted to sound stern, but her smile wasn't allowing it. "Yes, Remus Lupin, please, take me on a date already."

She pressed her lips to my forehead.

All along, I should've just talked to her. Idiot.

[fallingforel]

Louis and 70 pls 💗💗💗

A/N good morning, afternoon and evening (have to cover all bases because who knows where people may be in the world its evening for me loves 🫶) of course I would be glad to write this for you (sorry it took me so long to get round to it) on with the showww. OH and I'm gonna make you part of 1d in this hehhehe

PROMPT 70:“I don’t want you… I need you.”

Words: 1,094

warnings: mentions of death via car accident, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sick, mentions of sex its a generally fluff piece though so hope you enjoy.

Life was great at the moment, I was living life to the heights I'd never thought I'd get to 3 years ago when I was a little 19 year old who just lost both parents in a car crash to a teenage drunk driver who knew no better than what I did at that age, I performed on the x-factor stage after my mum told me to "chase your dreams sweetheart" getting me to where I am now. In a band with 5 boys we love performing every night recording our albums and I get to do it with my best friends in tow.

"So. If you guys didn't know. One of our band members has a birthday tomorrow, but we're not playing a show tomorrow. So can you make this show extra special for us? Her family couldn't be here tonight, because they're in better places. So can you make her feel superrr loved for us?" Louis asked the crowd that we were performing to in stockholm tonight. They screamed back.

"You know I think I see a sign over there that says Y/n we love you, we can be your family, there's another one that says We love you y/n happy birthday. There's another one that says I love Y/n more than free wifi. Wow Y/n you are getting the love tonight" Louis said making the crowd scream loud at that part.

"I think we should sing Happy Birthday to Y/n don't you think?" Harry asks which earns multiple yeses from the boys and screams erupting from the crowd and a shake of the head from me.

"okay okay. 3, 2, 1"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR Y/N HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"

"I think that's the loudest happy birthday I've ever had. Thank you. Now time for one of our fans favourites this is teenage dirtbag"

⋆｡°✩

Running off the stage on our Very high high.

"LOUIS!!!" "Y/n, Love you did so great" Is all he says before he's pulling me into a very big hug and swooping me up into the air and then finally putting me down and letting go after much protest on his behalf but me saying I can't breathe did the job

"Thank you for that happy birthday. It was honestly the most love I've ever felt from one of our shows." "yeah well it was all for you and you did it. Happy birthday love" "thank you Louis" Is all I say before I'm pulling him into a hug again in which he wraps his arms around my torso and placing chaste kisses on top of my head.

"And you mean to tell me they aren't together?" Niall speaks up from beside Harry where they are both watching Louis and I from the wall just a few feet out of earshot. But I still heard it. "Yes we are very much not together."

⋆｡°✩

Louis and I decided to go out to celebrate my birthday, wanting to bring in my 22nd birthday with me. As I had no-one to have a phone call from so Louis decided to take my mind off of it and go celebrate. The other boys were too tired to celebrate I don't blame them so it was just Louis and I

"Lou it's getting late its like 3, we should probably get back. I'm gonna spew my guts if i drink another drop" "yeah that's probably wise me too, come on then dove" "That's a new one?" "yeah, they represent peace and that's what you've always shown. Even when you found out who hit your parents when you racked up the money, you were so calm, you were the one to apologise when you saw how guilty it felt. If that was my mum in the car I'd be saying all kinds of nasty shit to the driver who killed her. Guess that's what I like about ya, dove" "thanks lou but they also represent innocence and purity and I'm none of those two things am I lou?" "No I suppose your not but you do have a pure soul and I guess that is what matters the most" "alright stop with the spirituality mr donny. and lets get back to the tour bus I'm exhausted"

⋆｡°✩

we get back in and I sit at the kitchen table nursing a whiskey and louis looks at me funny

"what?" "thought you were gonna spew if you drank another drop of alcohol?" "thats different." "how?" "whiskey I can drink slowly, you made me literally DOWN shots" "thats the thing about you that makes me love you Y/n" I just burst out laughing because it wasn't true, the guy I liked had been crushing on ever since 2010 at the first group auditions stage liked me back. "yeah okay" "no I'm being deadly serious" "you're drunk lou. Go to bed" "No, I'm being deadly serious Y/n." "You just want me because your drunk Louis, I'm being serious" "and I'm being serious when I say I want you. Actually no fuck that, I don’t want you… I need you." "Louis you have to mean it because I am not going down that hole of where we mess about like silly fucking teenagers because we're past that point, being teenagers I mean we're fucking adults" "As serious as a heart attack, I love you darling" I jump into his arms where he drowns me into a heavy snog, "Fuck lou. I love you too."

⋆｡°✩

Last night was one of the best nights ever somehow after everything I ended up in Louis' bunk, the reminder of that was Louis kissing my shoulderbone waking me up from my post-sex slumber "Louis, You seen Y/n" Harry shouts from outside Louis' bunk which earns a giggle from me, ultimately making louis clamping his hand over my mouth. "NAH MATE, HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE WE GOT IN LAST NIGHT" I lick his hand that is covering my mouth "DID YOU JUST LICK MY FUCKING HAND!" "Lou who have you got in there?" which makes harry open the bunk, meeting eyes with the both of us "HOLY FUCK. Y/N AND LOUIS FUCKED." which makes the remainder of the boys (excluding louis.) scream from their respectful places on the bus "FINALLY WAS ABOUT FUCKING TIME" and then ultimately zayn says "SHIT NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM FUCKING LIKE RABBITS"

⋆｡°✩

lets just say that night in stockholm lead to a certain song on four with the same place name, that I wrote.

⋆｡°✩

end.

[moonsghostwriter]

I was listening to Spotify and got the idea for this

Being a singer under Gideon's record label and getting sick of him mistreating you and taking advantage of your fame for his own greediness

(inspired by Season 2, Episode 7 of Helluva Boss where Fizzarolli quits working for Mammon and sings a whole song about it, yeah reader sings that in this)

(I'm so sorry but I actually enjoy fics where the reader sings, unless it's at a cringey time or a really cringey song)

______________________________

You stood in your dressing room as you got ready for your feature on a late night television show as a musical guest. This one was your most important one yet, which meant Gideon—who acted as your manager, but was really the owner the label you were under—was going to be there. You knew he also was the head of some evil league, but that didn't really concern you, though you had met the members several times. You'd really hit it off with Roxy, becoming instant best friends, and she supported everything you did.

However having been working with him for almost 5 years now, you had gotten to your brink of dealing with his abuse and mistreatment. So, tonight you had a very special song prepared for your performance. Roxy was in the audience too to cheer you on, and she was sitting near Gideon so she could watch his reaction for you, knowing you'd want the hilarious details later.

A sly smile spread across your face as you walked onto the stage, watching to the live audience and to the cameras. "Here's [Y/N] with H-" The host read the announcement before being cut off by a stagehand who whispered in his ear. ".. Two Minutes Notice!" The host bit his lip as he read the name of the new song. Gideon leaned forward in his spot, narrowing his eyes. This wasn't the song you two had agreed upon.

"I have wasted time, I have seen my use. I have packaged and sold every part of me, suffered a lifetime of abuse. I have lost myself, I have worshipped at your feet. And here I am standing on top of the world with some bitches to defeat." The song starts and you act out the words, feeling yourself get weak under the pressure if this went horribly, horribly wrong.

"I've played the game, I've won it all. They've screamed my name, they bought the doll. I've seized the day, now I've got one thing left to say, hey, hey! Fuck you! Here's my two minutes notice! Fuck you! Time to quit and smell the roses! Say goodbye, while I look you in the eye and say fuck you!" You sing and dance on stage, still worried yet trying to act confident.

"Jeez, I'd hate to be the guy who that song's about." Gideon says, laughing to himself. Roxy leans back in her chair, looking at him with a quirked eyebrow.

"It's you." She says simply before moving back to her spot and watching you with a smile.

"Yeah, right." Gideon rolls his eyes with a cocky smile, of course he didn't believe Roxy, you loved working with him! He was your idol!

"I have taken shit, been crushed under your heel. I have suffered for profit and suckered for fame, made a fortune you could steal. I've had enough, I've hit the wall. I'm tired of taking your calls. It ends today, now there's just one last thing to say! Fuck you! I wish I'd said it sooner, fuck you! Cut you off just like a tumor! Hope you die! Kiss my ass goodbye, you cuck! Fuck you!" You flip off the audience, spotting Gideon and making sure to look him right in the eyes as you blatantly insult him. He grips the armrests on the chair, fuming with anger as he sits and stares, shellshocked almost at your audacity.

"Have you ever felt sick and tired of doing the same shit everyday with your anger brewing? Eating shit for a boss that you're sick of obeying. If you ever felt the same let me hear you say,

Did you really think I was gonna stay spending life bent over with your fist in my a-? Slander me, say I'll never work in this town, if I stick around I'll be six more feet under the ground! Fuck you! Suck it greedy bastard! You're a stupid ass clown! Say goodbye, too late to apologize! So this is it, Gideon you sad sack of shit! Fuck you!" You finish the song leaving the crowd unsure whether to cheer or be worried, however Roxy was cheering like crazy while Gideon sat fuming in his seat. You smile proudly and leave the stage, going back to your dressing room, not caring Gideon would probably barge in soon to confront you.

He couldn't control you or your passion anymore. You were free, and you were happy

[andypantsx3]

This is going to sound weird, but do you have any tips on how to gain traction as a fanfic writer? I've been trying for years and I get next to no interaction on my writing. I know I shouldn't care because I should be writing for myself, but it's still frustrating to see other writers get thousands of notes, and reblogs and asks praising their fics and I get maybe 20 likes. I've been looking into discord fandom groups but a lot of them don't allow people over 30, and I don't do well with busy groups anyway. I try to be active on my blog, and interact with other people and make myself approachable, but I'm getting so incredibly tired of talking to an empty space. Sorry, I think I ended up venting instead >_<

WARNING: DISCOURSE AHEAD

Omg hello my love!! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel this way! I have so many conflicting thoughts on this, let me try to get them in order for you!!

I guess, let me first start with some tips that I think actually answer your question, and then I'll just monologue about the ways I've been thinking about fandom recently, and you can skip that part if you wanna!

Part 1: Actual Thoughts on Your Question (lol)

I am possibly not in the best position to ask about this because I mostly happened to be in the right place at the right time, publishing my fics in the early part of the pandemic when people were more actively engaging in the fandom. But in my experience, outside of discord groups, other good ways to meet people and get your work out there are joining zines & collabs.

I'm not completely up-to-date with what the accounts are now that track these things, but there are several tumblrs and twitter accounts like BNHA Zines that exist to retweet & publicize zine posts. Look for zines that are in the interest check & application stages!! You can apply during the application phase and the good thing is that most zines will ask for an application piece and will judge you on your work rather than your follower count!!

Collabs are usually even easier because many of them are just open to whoever wants to join! I've only participated in server collabs but I've seen several posts cross my dash that are open to anyone. I'd probably monitor the collaboration and x reader tags on tumblr and join in on anything that looks fun!!

Another thing that I've noticed people do a lot is self-reblog their fics a couple times just to maximize their circulation. I've seen a lot of moots trying to make sure they hit good hours for different time zones and different days of the week to ensure their followers are at least aware that they've posted something if they don't have notifs on (I don't have notifs on so I'm grateful for these because otherwise I miss a lot!!). Even I have srb'd a time or two if I'm particularly proud of something lol.

And I think, if I also wanted to be a shark about things, I would try to get in on the ground floor of a fandom in its early stages!! For example, the second season of JJK is coming out soon and it's sure to bring a wave of new readers to the JJK fandom, especially for the characters like Gojo and Getou who look like they're gonna be the main focus of the season.

I think if you wanted to be extra sharp about things, you might time a fic release with some of the first couple episodes of a new season where you can be sure more people than usual will be poking around in the tags!! And if your fic is published during the early stages of a fandom, it's going to have more eyes on it overall than a fic published towards the conclusion of the series.

Anyway this is what I could think of. I hope this advice is practical and useful!! Now onto me blathering.

Part 2: Resisting Influencer Culture in Fandom Spaces

This part might be kind of controversial. I want to first acknowledge how easy it is for me to think and say these sorts of things when I'm already more than pleased with the amount of engagement I get. And I want to recognize that it is so, so deeply human to want recognition, community, and support for the things that we write.

I think it is so completely natural that you want interaction on your writing. All of us totally do, otherwise we wouldn't be publishing it publicly. If our work was truly, singularly for us and us alone, we'd keep it in the drafts lol. We put it out there hoping for praise and appreciation and connection, and in my opinion there is no shame in that.

So, admission time: I also definitely compare myself to other writers, and I have several times thought about transitioning more towards the type of content that drives higher note counts on tumblr: smuttier one-shots usually under 10k! I can see a huge difference in terms of just my own work on how my one-shots typically do in comparison to chaptered fics. And I definitely see how fast smutty imagines shoot up there in terms of note count.

But I was listening to a podcast episode recently on trying to sort of transition away from a metrics-focused approach to fandom. In the podcast, they talk about how in trying to legitimize fanfic as a literary mechanism, we've also sort of accidentally subjected it to our capitalist-influencer-mindset, where we see fic as more legitimate the more kudos it gets or the more followers it nets you, because in traditional influencer spaces, those followers are potential capital.

I'm definitely not saying you or I see people as potential revenue streams, but I think probably neither of us are immune to the culture at large, and we both probably carry some of internalized sense of our own value based on metrics, reach, and influence. And that sucks!!!!

Fandom, of all things, is supposed to be a specifically anti-capitalist space. We can't make money off of fanfic or fanart (legally, anyway lol), and we're all not the owners of the franchises either so none of our takes are necessarily more "valid" or weightier than others!! We're all supposed to just be trading stories around a campfire with no thought to their literary merit or monetary value. We're just supposed to enjoy the stories.

So, I don't know what the right answer is about how to try to resist the influences of our capitalist culture at large; I'm hoping someone smarter than me will tell me. But I do know that in fanfic, the value of your story can absolutely never be determined by how much engagement you get. Because fandom is not about metrics, and there is no inherent value in metrics. There is only the fun you had creating the story, and the depth of the connection you made with someone over it--even if that's just one other person.

And so I personally am at least trying to resist the lure of transitioning to smutty one-shots even though I think a lot of people would like that. Because what I like doing is writing my little 30k multi-chaps; those are my fave kinds of stories to tell, I'm not letting my metrics tell me what I should be writing.

I hope, at the very least, you know that your worth and the value of your story is not defined by how many other people have read it. And if you ever wanna chat more about this let me know, I'm still figuring this all out myself and could use friends to explore it with!!

[bearlythere]

haven't really been active lately, but i thought i'd start to post regularly about my thoughts and musings again.

i realised that the hardest thing is to be a hopeless romantic looking for a partner in this day and age. we were brought up on the era of cute romcoms, strong love songs that we could belt out to from icons like taylor swift, books about that sweet, sweet, happily ever after that every girl can dream about having.

and i think, being introduced to things like that from such a young age really skewed how i view love to be, or how i want to be loved. my standards are so immaculately high now that every guy that comes my way, or every guy that i meet, it just doesn't match or fit at all! either that, or guys who i am interested in just don't view me as a potential someone to explore relationships with. while i know i shouldn't settle for less, it also kind of shocks me how every single person that i think i've went on dates with has either ended with me settling for less or me not feeling respected by the other party.

and i wish it was so much more easier, for fate to bring me my other half, or at least bring me some experience of what it's like to have a boyfriend as early as some of the people around me. don't get me wrong, i love being single. i love the autonomy and freedom i have. but that shouldn't change in a relationship. and i'm all about chasing new experiences, and i want to know what it's like to feel loved. to feel wanted. what it's like to feel like i'm someone else's whole world. i thought this was a common experience for everyone. but it's just the hopeless romantic in me screaming for attention.

and i'm sick and tired of feeling this way. i'm also tired of going through the chase, the whole dating process. and i'm sick and tired of the talking phase, where you think you're going to progress somewhere and it just ends up... nowhere. the last one that i met,was the right person at the wrong time, or should i say, wrong stage. we had so much in common, so much to talk about, and literally we hit it off so well. but i met him while i was on vacation. we did explore the option of long distance, but ultimately we decided it wasn't really going to work out, with the time difference and the cost of plane tickets to even fly and see each other. and while i wished it could have ended differently, it was a good experience too, knowing that there are people like that out there who are 100% serious about courting and knowing more about you as a person. was i disappointed? of course. we're really good friends now, and the emotional dependence and rapport is still there. but one day, i know that there's a chance that he might just cut off all communication like he dropped off the face of the earth, and i feel like that'll still hurt. however, i've taken a step back, and i understand that we all have lives to live. and it's just not my time to meet the one yet.

i started a break from online dating. i started chasing different experiences. learning new things every day. doing more community service. exploring more about different art forms by joining workshops. joining more social activities that i used to shy away from and turn down. and in these short 2 months, i've lived so vicariously and am so contented with my own life. i'm so satisfied with my life. what if this was what all the romcoms were trying to teach us in the first place? to be so hopeful and open to new things in life with all the opportunities it presents you, and leave everything up to fate and the unknown? and while yes, it's scary to not be able to preplan and predict the future, but it's also exciting to see what life has in store for you. no longer do i feel like the girl i was 2 years ago, feeling like i was trapped in this little box. now i feel like i have the whole world and a worldful of experiences to explore and live my life out for. and that's the beauty of life.

[frozen-fountain]

Weird Questions for Writers

…All.

Alright, everyone else go home, I guess. I'll be doing this in stages over the next couple of days because, as much as I enjoy talking about myself, I do still have to write this afternoon. Thank you!

What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Basic Times New Roman, more out of familiarity than anything. I keep meaning to try the Comic Sans trick that supposedly makes it easier to focus, but I don't know if I can bear to look at that all day.

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

I don't relish the thought of those wrist cramps, but yes, I think I would. I can't stand the thought of just keeping it all in my own head.

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I usually end up doing it early afternoon, after lunch and a few minutes of pacing or stretching to clear my head. I'll also play with my cat for a while beforehand, as if he's tired from being a fearsome hunter he's less likely to get up on the clackboard to help me (results may vary). Then I procure something to drink, pick out something to listen to, and freewrite some word association for a bit if I'm not in the right headspace.

While I have a vague goal in mind for where I'd like to write up to, these days, I only make myself do a single sentence per day. It's usually much more than that, but just that sentence absolutely has to happen every single day if it's really all I can manage. When I'm done, I try to leave at a point I'm actively excited to get back to and have a clear picture, so it's easier to pick up the next day. Usually I jot down a few notes to help.

It's cursed because a lot of the music I enjoy probably is, and because the aforementioned notes have sometimes been things like "toilet paper" or "[character] on her Caravaggio bullshit" and I'm left just sitting there trying to work out what any of this was in reference to, or why Past Froze thought it was going to be helpful.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Susurrus. I try to limit it to one use per story, and maybe one per chapter if I'm feeling extra indulgent.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

Not a superstition I actively believe, but every time I think a fic might do well it's met with silence, whereas the ones I assume are for me and an audience of three end up performing way better than expected. I don't judge success on external factors and will write what I want to say regardless, but it's a nice reminder that whatever niche oddness you're cooking up might have more of an audience than you realise.

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

It's more a fear about myself, which is that my ability or lack thereof to execute an idea doesn't matter, because what I have to say in the first place is of no interest or value whatsoever and no amount of minutely crafted phrasing can change that. (Needless to say, I would never think this of another person, no matter what they were trying to tell me.)

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

That I do it anyway. That, regardless of how it does or doesn't impact on the world outside of me, I experienced something that made me feel strongly enough to take the time to attempt to recreate it in words. And when, after minutes that feel like hours of agonising over which words to use, I find some that hit the exact resonance and well of allusion I was hoping for? It's about the most accomplished I've ever felt.

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

I'd choose the all-dialogue option because that would be a bigger challenge for me, and also because I have a great model for how to do it in The Fall by Camus. So I'd reread that and pick apart how it was done in a way that worked; I can picture the setting of the novel so clearly even though it's only described in ways that feel naturalistic for characters who are walking through it. I'm guessing this would remain a shorter piece, and I'd have a specific reason for zooming in so completely on what's being said to the exclusion of all else, and I think this would be a great medium for an unreliable narrator. The negative space around what isn't said would have to be as intrinsic a part of the story as anything that makes it onto the page. I think it'd be a really interesting experiment, some time.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

I believe many, many people have experienced things we currently (and most certainly always will) lack the scientific method to understand and quantify. I'm about ninety percent sure I had a premonition once. I also believe what we say and do resonates, in ways that are hard to track and trace, beyond the moment where they occur. I'm not sure whether this means I believe there's a non-corporeal part of us all that lingers after the physical body reaches its planned obsolescence, and that sometimes this remnant is able to reach out and touch the living from time to time, but it's something.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

At least a fragment of everything I've ever read or written lives under my skin. Even if I hated it or even if I can't remember anything about it besides that splinter that stood out the most. All I've lived - and not lived, especially when I might have had the chance to - is waiting over my shoulder and following me along the corridor, whether as a warning or a tormentor or a guide.

[dausy]

oh my, I feel like I've spent a lot of money on myself recently.

I'm trying to work on painting this weekend. I have a long weekend this weekend. So far I'm scheduled to work wed-fri if I don't get a call but I have a dental appointment and hair appointment this week. Theres an interesting breed of drama at work and I think I'm getting too old for this. I just learned I'm literally older than a couple of doctors. I've officially reached that stage of my life where I can be older than doctors. So weird. On the scale of complaints I've had about workplace drama before this has to be some of the most benign complaints I've ever heard and I'm like "do you guys not hear yourselves?". Its just such a non-dangerous issue, that I can't even imagine wanting to complain about it. To me its like a spa day and yall are complaining about some weird stuff. Like come on.

But I keep picking up shifts because its essentially easy money but I'm also dirt tired and cranky. Wearing lead for 8-10 hours a day is also killing my upper back. I don't think permanent OR nursing is in my future. So its affecting my ability to be creative. I'm getting home at 5-6pm and plooping on the couch. I can't draw unless theres lovely sun out.

I still think my spanish is improving despite me getting hit hard with the reality that I don't know what the hell I'm saying often. But I'm still learning new things every day and I'm researching new ways to say things all the time. I think what honestly hurts the most is I keep seeing tiktoks on "white women who did a duolingo lesson once" which is in parts funny, I get it. But also, is me trying to speak with my patients making me fall under this category? am I just another white woman who duolingos? I just want to be effective at my job and communicate where appropriate.

I've also spent a small fortune. I feel like I should do a haul with just stuff I've purchased recently but none of it is art related (sort of). Other than I still have to PPE up at work, my face getting exposure to real air has made me appreciate a little bit of the skin care and make up type luxuries..2 make up items will cost a pretty penny. I got some new make up brushes and got some new things for this ball I have coming up. I just kinda want to look pretty. I'm feeling girly, I want the make up, the cute clothes and shoes etc. But we're just buying make up so far right now.

I also got 2 new work out shirts and a sports bra. I've gotten a wittle chunky this past year and my shirts are riding up. I'ma maybe use those extra calories for some hopeful gym gains. Hopefully I can rev up the gym-going when my husband gets deployed.

shoes, I got some new shoes for work and a new phone case. We also went on a really fancy date night that long ago and me not having a purse was kind of a nuisance so I got a new purse (or two). We have a lot of day trips coming up as my husband is trying to maximize family time before he's gone for the next year. I kinda want to look cute maybe so one of the purses is like a day trip bag.

anyway, I still want to order a couple of things but itll need to wait til the next paycheck.

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Monster Hunter (Anderson, 2020)

Maybe I was more tired than I realized watching this, or maybe I'm just getting dumber and reacting to movies on the level of pure sensation than actually trying to keep track of narrative elements, but I had a weirdly difficult time following along with this. I won't rule out those first two reasons, but I also found this awkwardly paced. One can charitably describe this as "lean", in that we're basically hit with incident after ostensibly exciting incident, and it's refreshing when a movie isn't bogged down in exposition, especially for potential future sequels (although this annoyingly ends with a cliffhanger and post-credits scene). But I still expect a movie to set things up and sell us on the significance of certain developments. Perhaps I was too zoned out to notice all the intricate groundwork this might have been laying, but it seemed that every few minutes we were getting hit with a new monster that it never bothered to set up, rushing through the confrontation so as to undermine any awe the monster might inspire, and the racing along to the next action scene. There's no breathing room, no moments to sit back and savour what the movie's serving.

I also think some of that lack of awe stems from the visuals, largely the 2.35:1 aspect ratio, which often suggests grandeur when deployed in the more tactile epics of yore, but feels claustrophobic here, undercutting any real grasp of the monsters' size. And while I understand there was actual location shooting, the CGI-assisted cinematography renders everything plastic in a way I often found unpleasant to look at. Paul W.S. Anderson is a director I've been unable to fully embrace, and I don't think this makes a particularly good case for him. His affinity for clean geometric compositions clashes with the desert setting, as whatever order he finds in the manufactured interiors of his Resident Evil movies is totally absent here, and the plain desert landscape leaves a dearth of interesting things in the frame to look at. And while the action is less incoherent than in the last Resident Evil movie, the cutting is still too frantic to let any of the juicier images breathe. I will at least say that the confrontations here at least seem free of the inconsequential back-and-forths and arbitrary denouements of his fight scenes elsewhere. And there are individual images, like the shells piling up as the heroine fires a machine gun, or the part where she whips out a rocket launcher, that made a direct appeal to my inner fifteen-year-old, the dork who saw the end of the first Resident Evil when the heroine pumped a shotgun and the camera pulled back and thought it was the coolest shit ever (but then waited over a decade to watch the whole movie for fear that the movie would actually be lame, which sadly turned out to be the case).

Despite the fact that production was completed prior to the pandemic, this definitely feels like a pandemic-era "blockbuster" with its small, weirdly insular and artificial world, but I suppose Anderson's movies have always been modestly scaled and budgeted for special effects extravaganzas. I do wonder if my growing interest over the past few years in '90s studio vehicles has been a subconscious reaction to this, as those movies offer large casts, seemingly lived-in worlds and tactile pleasures. This one has a bunch of randos that it fails to define with any personality and throws in even more randos in the third act, although I did enjoy the chemistry between Milla Jovovich and Tony Jaa, who bring their own brands of charisma to the material, and for some reason there's an anthropomorphized cat not unlike the one in Dragon Ball Z, and I will never say no to Ron Perlman showing up at any stage in a movie.

[sharpknifesouls]

This post peels me like a fruit, and yet I feel so powerless to change.

These days it feels like I do not know how to do more than just breathe, just survive, just make it to the next day, when once I hit 24 years old I began to feel like the eternal fire of youth that had always sustained me had instead gone out, left me, and left me hollow in the process.

You want to know what I want? I do not want to just breathe in. I'm sick and tired of breathing. I want to inhale, I want to gasp in lungfuls of crisp fall air from all around me. I want to drink deep from the fountain. I want to know what oxygen MEANS.

Right now, all I want in the world is to go buy some silly bandz and one of those white studded emo belts and go do something with my friends, with the ones I love. Or meet a bunch of cis girls who can show me how to do my makeup and make me feel like I belong somewhere. I want to do something I've literally never done before, that isn't just watching a new show or eating food. I feel like I exist just to wake up, pass the time, then go back to the dull embrace of my bed.

Time passes, and I feel like I'm running from the clock, like once my 24th birthday fell, a timer started that no one warned me about. All day long I imagine doing things, picture how I could, should, would feel, but something is in my way. It's partially my medication making me feel numb, but some small part of me wonders if there isn't something else stopping me, too. But what?

What is it? What happened to my fucking dreams? Of going to college in New York City, of travelling to Japan? Becoming a voice actress, a writer, an artist, an animator? My dreams and passions feel diluted, like butter spread over too much bread, or a single vial of dye dropped into an Olympic swimming pool. I feel stagnant; the kind of pond water that attracts mosquitos. My world is so quiet when I want it to be loud, loud, loud! I have lived so long in silence that I want the volume knob broken. I want the music to pound my ears so loud I can no longer think. I want clubs, studying until the midnight oil runs out and my eyebags show simply because I want to. Dancing until the morning peeks in and the birds start to sing. I want to kiss someone. Hollow sex, meaningful sex, little gestures of affection, flirting with strangers, running from the cops, jumping fences, house parties. Doing homework, taking tests, learning new things, mastering the guitar, understanding sine waves, working on scripts full of dialogue for a hundred page manuscript.

I am someone who does not like rollercoasters and would never like skydiving, and yet I want both. I want to be excited, roused, entertained, and driven. I want the first thought that happens when I wake up in the morning to be "I feel powerful". I want to know what it means to understand myself, to grasp concepts, to remember things. I want to perform on stage, learn ballet, write down notes for myself in the morning. I want the comprehension of my own life that comes from tucking my hair behind my ear and chewing on the end of my pencil. I want to be able to solve equations.

I have spent so, so much of my life in a malaise where it feels like nothing of significance has occured, and why? Because I have been struggling. Struggling to survive under years of constant fatigue, years of dysphoria and not living as my actual gender, years of trying to undo what my father did to me, years of "can't"s and "hadn't"s, years of life defined not by what I'd done, but by what I couldn't do. Couldn't call CPS, couldn't tell anyone I was raped, couldn't have any energy throughout the day, couldn't stand everyone telling me I was a guy when I knew I wasn't, couldn't stop being psychotic, couldn't overcome my ADHD, that oh-so persistent desire to simply imagine a life instead of live one. I am tired of imagining, god-dammit! I am tired of trying to run with one foot in the ground or barefoot on glass. All my life, I have wanted running shoes. I have wanted to exist in a more meaningful way, a better union of my self and mind, body and soul. I have wanted there to be some kind of grand gunshot that shoves me down a hill so steep that I can't possibly manage to be anything else but my true self. I am tired of pretending I'm fine simply breathing. I am tired of pretending there is any time to waste. I am tired of thinking of what was stolen from me instead of what I might yet steal from the lion's jaws of the sun we all burn under. I refuse to let my fire go out so quickly, so utterly, so perfectly. No. No. The universe, if it wants my resignation, will have to claw it screaming from my cold, dead fingers. It will have to fight me for it, and so far I have woken up each morning. I have showed up to class every single day of my life, always on time. I have been alive for eight thousand, eight hundred and seventy days, and I will pry the rest from the maw of decay if it's the end of me. Entropy has not met me yet.

At the end of my rope I will find myself.

It is no longer enough to simply exist.

I want to live.

a mary oliver quote that peeled me like a fruit

[lastoneout]

Ngl I think I am truly about to hit my fucking limit and idk what to do about it anymore.

Ever since my nerve block wore off my migraines have been worse than they've ever been before in my entire life, like I'm literally having one every single day, and I now have severe neck pain on top of it which is also constant, and legit none of my doctors give a single solitary shit.

I tried to bring this up with my pain clinic and the guy just said it was good that the nerve block helped for a month or so, and that my current issues were just muscle pain and I need to go to PT about it, and I can't get in with a new pain clinic bcs my primary never gave me the referral she said she would and no matter how many times I call the clinic and leave messages about it no one ever calls me back.

My neurologist just seems confused that I'm still having migraines despite being on like 6 medications that are supposed to help manage them and she says it in a way that really makes me feel like she thinks it's somehow my fault, and when I brought up the neck pain she just told me to take ibuprofen even though I've told her repeatedly that it doesn't help, and she also said I should do the nerve block again even though it put me in the ER and made everything worse in the long run. Plus I'm pretty sure she'd just prescribe another steroid taper pack and once again ignore me when I say I'm really sensitive to them and they make me feel like shit and the last one didn't help.

I can't take my rescue meds more than 4 times in 30 days and I've already taken it more than that bcs I was desperate. The steroid taper pack helped for like a week before everything came back just as bad as before. I can't take my fioricet because it messes with my birth control and I had sex less than 5 days ago. I can't take the oxycodone they gave me in the ER bcs it makes my migraines "bounce back" worse once it wears off. Ibuprofen still isn't helping.

Do I call my neurologist? Idk what she's going to do, she doesn't seem to give a shit, and there's a solid chance the on call doctor just refuses to speak to me, and my referral to a new neurologist just got turned down bcs apparently the new clinic "doesn't have anyone who can see me for my problems". My pain clinic also doesn't give a shit and frankly I don't even want to be a patient there anymore since the doctor has just made everything worse. Do I go to the ER? I've been there dozens of times over the last couple of months and they can usually make the pain ago away for a day before I'm right back where I started, and they usually just give me fioricet which again, I do not want to risk pregnancy. Urgent care? They can't do anything to help either.

I'm in pain all the time and nothing is helping and none of my doctors care and I just want everything to fucking stop. I feel so abandoned. Like I'm worthless or broken bcs why else would I be treated this way? Why else would all of my doctors ignore me or reject me or regard me with contempt. Being nice doesn't work. Being confident and blunt makes them angry and thus less likely to help me. Breaking down sobbing in their office doesn't do shit.

I'm so fucking done. I just want this to stop. I'm so tired of being strong and fighting and getting nowhere. Fighting is just making it worse. No one who can help cares. I just want to lay down in my bed and wither away, I guess I deserve it for having the audacity to want better. I can't take this anymore, I really can't. But I don't have options. I just get to suffer.

Like the only way I know to make it clear to people that I'm basically at rock bottom is to admit that I've reached the point where I no longer want to be alive and I absolutely know that saying that to a doctor will lead to more problems than solutions. And like, I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've def hit the "life is not worth living" stage and a migraine has to be pretty fucking bad for me to get there.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[capriciouscaprine]

haven't talked about my progress towards my body goals in a while, so why not now!

even tho I ate more than I even really wanted to and went up a pound instead of dropping over the last week, I am still seeing the visual effects of being lower than normal people and being under the week previous; it's definitely true that body changes lag behind weight changes, as far as I've experienced

my fingers are juuuuuuust hitting that stage where the bones are narrower than the knuckles, and my forearms are slightly slimmer than my wrist joints; now I can tell when I'm dehydrated just by looking at the backs of my hands bc those veins POP out like I'm a body builder if I go an hour (or even less!) without downing at least 8 oz of water in that time

I've thickened back slightly as of this morning bc of my eating last week, but the day before I had allllllmost hit full gap without flexing or posing; since it's happening lower than my long-term goal number, I think I'll be able to use it as a warning sign in the future even without a scale that I'm approaching a point I don't want to be at

speaking of goals, and this is the most disordered part of this post, I do want to go under 100$, just to see what it's like and be able to say I lost a full 100$ from my measured start; I don't think it'll be sustainable, and honestly shopping is already getting tricky ~20$ higher, so once I do achieve it I'll have a personal celebration and then re-evaulate my daily food plans and come back up to perhaps 110$, if I have a t gap and no tummy rolls at that number

I really am primarily focused on shape over number; I want the gap, I want the hands and wrists, and I don't want to spill over a waistband no matter what I wear or how I sit; once I'm settled into my new career (PLZ), I'm hoping to start a workout routine for flexibility, joint health, and a LITTLE strength, and I expect any muscle gain will put my numbers up even as my shape stays the same

I also want to stay low so that I can fluctuate upwards without it being too noticeable; I know there will be pizza days and whatever else in my future, and I plan on appearing normal and enjoying myself responsibly over stressing about a specific number the whole time; I definitely don't want to be the person who feels compelled to bring a scale with me on vacations! I want to enjoy flavors and experiences and accept small changes that I know will be reversible once I'm back on my usual schedule and meal plan at home

it's the most obvious epiphany, but really, there is a number of c's that will maintain a certain size on a given body; go up and you're in excess and the body will gain, go down and you'll be in deficit until you reach the size that matches that intake level; changes in metabolism will change what this intake number is, which is also affected by genetics and other personal factors, so there is no one-to-one, 'eat this to weigh that' guide, but once I figure out what that number is for me, I can just keep eating that, leading to figuring out a regular meal plan I don't have to think too much about; sub in this food for that one or whatever as much as I like, so long as it's the same number of c's as what it's replacing; as someone who randomly gets tired of a food that I've eaten nearly every day for no reason, this is a reassuring thought to have!

I will say, I wonder if my tracker app is actually giving me a reliable daily max or not; does it really individualize for everyone (within reason?), or at a certain low goal does it just start giving everyone the same goal that algorithm is not mathematically capable of going under? I suppose I'll find out the more I use it!

I hope everyone reading this is having a great day and continues to have a wonderful week! if not, I hope things get easier for you soon!

[mr-divabetic]

Stephanie Mills' voice is so distinctive that it is hard to mistake it for anyone else's. She has been nicknamed "the little lady with a big voice," but this hardly does justice to her status as a living legend. Although her impressive string of hits in the '80s and early '90s might qualify her as an R&B icon, it was her electrifying performance as Dorothy in the Broadway show "The Wiz" that made her a household name.

Did you know an up-and-coming songwriter named Luther Vandross penned "A Brand New Day," also known as "Everybody Rejoice"? 

If you do a few Google searches,  you'll find "The Wiz" wasn't her first foray into showbiz. At the ripe old age of nine, she achieved considerable success in a background role for the 1968 musical "Maggie Flynn. After that, she won amateur night not once, not twice, but six sensational times at Showtime at the Apollo. 

Her Broadway success in "The Wiz" led Stephanie Mills to be signed with 20th Century, scoring her first top 10 R&B hit in 1979 with "What Cha Gonna Do With My Lovin'." From there, she segued to Casablanca and then MCA, where she recorded five No. 1 R&B singles, including "I Feel Good All Over" and "Home."

She freely admits, "I love all my albums [but] I think my prime album would be the Home album because I put a lot of thought into re-recording 'Home 'and the songs on that album. But each of my albums [has] a story of a time in my life [and] what I may have been going through at that time."

Although we're glad to hear she loves her albums and still tours, we can imagine the time, dedication, drive, and diligence it takes to be at the top of your game for over six decades. "I sing every day, but I get a lot of rest. I sleep a lot, but I love touring," she said in an interview with one of our favorite websites, Rated R&B. "It's not taxing. I'm older, so when I come home, I am tired, but it's a good tired because I love leaving everything I have on stage with my audience."

Recently, Stephanie Mills chose to fund her own recording. She explained to the White Mountain Independent," "I'm doing this on sheer will, faith, and my experience in the business. I didn't set out to do this on my own; it just happened. But I believe in this."

When asked what keeps her inner rhinestones glowing, Stephanie Mills said, "Seeing the audience's faces and seeing them enjoy my singing. I take pride in trying to sound as close to my records as I can. In fact, when I sing, I sing to my original recording. People pay their hard-earned money to come see you. That's big. That's a lot."

On social media, Stephanie Mill has no problem speaking her mind. She's shared her feelings regarding the R&B whitewashing and defended her friend, the late Michael Jackson. 

Her recording of Angela Winbush's "I Have Learned To Respect The Power Of Love" is a standout. Her voice is rich, clear, and powerful. She pours emotion into every line of lyrical sentiment that speaks to your heart. It's one of my most beloved Quiet Storm ballads. You don't hear songs like this anymore. . 

"I've had a fabulous life and fabulous career," the legendary singer confidently told Rated R&B. Asked what she credits for her longevity in the music industry, she said, "Never following a trend. I've always done my own path and stayed on my own path. I didn't listen to a lot of noise of what people say: "Oh, you should do this, you should do that." I took the best from whatever they said that I felt was best for me and would work for me, and I would do that. I always took my time and just slowly did the slow walk. I didn't do a fast run. I did a slow walk."

After working in showbiz for half a century, Stephanie Mills must feel content knowing that people still enjoy watching her perform. It's difficult to imagine the numerous setbacks, disappointments, and frustrations she has faced throughout her career. From the singles that failed to make it to the top of the charts to auditions for roles that she didn't get, Stephanie has likely endured more challenges than most of us could handle. Therefore, we celebrate her longevity steeped in excellence with great admiration.

[greatwave]

I met @benzank a few years (just kidding, i looked at the date and it was in 2016. 8 does not equal "a few") ago at this Tumblr IRL thing in Boulder, CO. Old church turned into a performance venue/art gallery. I've never been in a space like it since then. Ben had these ridiculously gorgeous photos in a gallery - each one an interpretation of one of the tracks from Phantogram's album "Three."

The photos were projected on a big screen before Phantogram came on stage and performed this emotional and powerful set. Afterwards, we headed downstairs to see the physical photos displayed in these massive poster-sized formats. We were given these awesome photobooks and got them signed when we met Ben and Phantogram. It didn't feel like some weird fan-overload thing and was really just a nice relaxing environment that led to awesome conversation. The good ol' days I guess. I fell in love with this photo below especially - I still don't know why. Maybe it's because it was associated with "Same Old Blues" and those lyrics really hit my soul. I asked Ben if the photos were for sale because I felt compelled to get that piece in my home. Ben replied with something along the lines of, "What? No you don't have to buy it! Just wait over there for a few and I'll just give it to you when it's over." Seriously too kind. I've had this falling dude in the forest above my bed, I've moved more times than I can count since that 2016 show but this is always the first piece to go up in a new home. There's something about the way Ben gets these human figures to interact, and intersect with the environment that I just cannot ever get tired of seeing. It's always something that just make you stare and stare and stare, even 8 years later.

And you can never save my soul I think it's time to let me go I keep on having this dream Where I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out There's always something that's pulling me down, down, down My heart is down on it's knees so I try, oh I try But it's too late now There's always something that's pulling me down, down, down

My Brain Took an Extended Vacation: Ben Zank Playfully Twists the Banal