#i tell myself that im not traumatized enough for that kind of diagnosis all the time

[the-world-is-treating-me-bad]

Love when I'm reading a form I asked my doctor to fill out for me and there's a diagnosis I've never considered or asked to be assessed for just sitting there.

In other news, I have PTSD, apparently!

[drdemonprince]

I have read your article about the pros and cons of Seeking an Autism Diagnosis. I think it makes some very good points. I would like to add my own point of view. At the beginning, it will sound like a far stretch to autism but hear me out :)

I am a transgender woman and my egg cracked right in the middle of the pandemic, a few months after my first, but quite traumatic, ulcerative colitis flare. After many years of overworking myself and drinking way too much on the week-ends, I just reached a point where my body told me “this has to stop”, I felt completely powerless and desperate. I had to implement self-care in my life, it was a matter of survival. The tricky part is that I have been hating myself and pretending to know who I was for so long. My whole life was about alienation. Worse, now I could not use the crutches I was used to. To move on with the transition I had to dig deep down within myself and it was scary and confusing and complicated. I did not feel I was trans enough to transition and I did not feel like talking with “regular” therapists was  helping, I felt misunderstood. At the same time, my gf and I spoke a lot, we knew I had some autistic traits but were never sure. I thought I was not autistic enough to search for a diagnosis. I got even more confused the day I learnt a lot of people on the autism spectrum are also trans or non-binary. 

I was paralyzed by wanting to transition but hating change but at the same time really wanting to have the benefits from HRT and surgeries. I was just going deeper into depression and not taking care of myself. I then thought looking for a formal autism diagnosis would maybe help me with the transition. If I was autistic, it would mean it was valid enough to transition. At this point, you will probably tell me “and you got yet another crutch”. But I can reply: maybe not, if you hear the rest of the story ? 

A week after having the diagnosis, I felt relieved and decided to call my parents to talk about it. I figured talking about my autism would be a good rehearsal for my coming out. The discussion went very bad. My mother especially was very defensive. I ended up crying. I cut all communication with them, I needed time to think. I ended up realizing I had seen how my parents really are as persons. And it was the most freeing moment I had in my life. I started to understand all the BS and the power they had over me, even by appearing as nice and caring. This experience enabled me to move on with my transition and un-shackle myself. It was a rough time but I finally can start to heal. I started HRT 4 months ago, bought feminine clothes last week and I am going at my own pace. I now know I can do it, it just started to click after that discussion. I know I will never use my diagnosis for anything else and at the time I decided I needed it was for completely different reasons, but now I really know why it was useful.

Thank you for reading me, feel free to give me your perspective on that. I just wanted to say people search for a diagnosis for many different reasons.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I guess my question would be, if you were in a country where it was necessary to get a gender identity disorder diagnosis in order to transition, would going out and getting that diagnosis have also given you the same kind of relief?

it kinda sounds to me like you took kind of a circuitous route to finding some credentialed authority who would sign off on your self identity in one fashion, so that you could feel okay about having the right to define yourself at all in any fashion. and i think you can be freer than that and deserve to be.

but like im glad it worked out! im glad you got the external permission that made you feel okay giving yourself the permission to do what you had already wanted. i hope you (and all of us) can get to the point where just wanting to do something is enough reason to do it.

i had to take a very complicated and indirect route to giving myself permission to be trans as well, of a different sort. so i do remember what those doubts were like and how impossible they are to intellectually argue away. shoutout to A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett and shit ton of high intensity erotic hypnosis for getting me past the point of intellect and into the realm of intuitively feeling what i had known all along

[sunflowers-and-vials]

Sunflower Collective

He/It. Adult. White.

Plural (prefer the terms Collective and Union.)

This is an exploration space for me/us. Very few conclusions have been reached so far.

We are most likely traumagenic, this blog is endo safe, but we do not condone going out of your way to interact with anti endos. They are traumatized and need a space where they can feel safe. Syscourse has gone too far, and i refuse to put stress on traumagenic systems because of some "correct viewpoint" about endogenics. A lot of this is misunderstandings that i don't believe will be solved with any kind of public yelling matches.

English is not our first language.

We block very liberally.

Sending us asks is highly encouraged!!!

Below the cut are Parts/Aspects introductions, and more info i care to share.

We are median. Some of us will have a lot of overlap in ideals/interests/personality. Some of us really won't. We suspect there's more of us than presented here. Our communication is good enough that we generally share memories, but our plurality is not all sunshine and rainbows.

Henry - He/him/it

I will end my posts with -Henry or -H

I am a co-host and the most frequent fronter. So far i suppose i have a bit of an organizing/protective role.

Probably not the first fronter.

Relearning to actively engage with my interests. Please ask me about Rocks, and Kodak Brownie cameras

Kitty - It/she/he

I end my posts with Kitty or K!

Im a birman cat. You could call me therian, that's what i did before it all clicked. Inner child given life, consciousness, self love exercise gone wrong, say what you want, im here and alive.

i cohost with Henry and am not out as often

Jon - He/Him

End my posts with Jon /J

Not sure about a role. Mostly feel like a practical tool. Engaged with time management, organization. Less concerned with peoples feelings than the rest of the system. Also the Jon is specifically with danish pronounciation. English will suffice, but is not the originator of my name.

Henry thought i was him at times.

We have more parts, but will not be sharing them here yet. Either they are too private, don't front enough, or they're not interested in engaging online.

Short syscourse thoughts:

I believe there's more to psychology than currently known, and that it is possible to experience a form of plurality without having the truama necessary for a DID/OSDD diagnosis. I do, however, disagree with a lot of the language that endos use about themselves. I do not condone harassment on any side of this, and really wish that the space disordered and traumagenic systems has created for themselves would be respected (i currently dont interact with those spaces, bc i don't believe myself to have experienced extreme enough trauma (or to be disabled enough by the plurality) to be under a DID/OSDD diagnosis. I am however, most likely traumagenic plural. )

TAG SYSTEM:

We tag with our names when we write a post.

If we don't know who's fronting, we tag TBD and return another time to tag it (it can be easier for us to tell who did what in hindsight)

[venom-system]

Hey, if you don't know how to answer this / you don't want to whatever feel free to delete this. But I've been questioning being an osdd system for about a year now, kind of. I'm not very preoccupied with it, I often forget about it actually until symptoms get more obvious again..? And even saying im questioning feels like making too big of a deal out of or sth, like I'm subconsciously faking all of this for attention or to be "special", even tho I don't really tell anyone and I don't ever would want an on record diagnosis anyways for safety / personal reasons ig...? This is the first time im reaching out about this aside from 2 very close friends/ a therapist who didn't seem to think I could have it based on my trauma ig and I'm very nervous tbh... But once in a while I'll do some research to compare it to symptoms I'm observing / beforehand id do research to better understand my did/osdd friends, and I have this question stuck in my head? If you're questioning, especially if you're unable to see a therapist etc about this for whatever reason, how do you differentiate between having osdd or bpd with anps and eps (those were the terms I kept reading in trauma research stuff anyways...), different dissociative disorders, literally all the other possible differential diagnoses...? and also, is it okay if I don't really want to care about all these labels anymore? Like if I don't really want an official diagnosis at all, and don't want to claim one without one either, where do I even fit..? Is it ok if by the end of this I figured out I have alters (sorry if that's not the right term?) and I want to participate in online spaces but still don't want to claim any of the diagnoses..?

I'm sorry this is a lot, but I feel so lost right now. I finally reached a place in life where I'm not going thru nearly constant trauma anymore (Tho I still live with someone who traumatized me a few yrs ago / let a lot of trauma happen as well ig), & tho I've been in therapy since I was 12 i only recently feel like I've been healing in any way or form...? Im 20 btw. And a lot of it has been achieved with abandoning psychiatric diagnoses I've been given/suspected over the years, but also discovering myself at the same time...?

But at the same time, the more I feel like I myself am stable, happy... symptoms keep coming that I can't explain. Voices mainly. But when I try to ask too many questions they always leave, and often it's hard to understand them anyways. They're mostly the same 2 reoccurring people with diff voices.... one older guy and a child... dissociation & derealization used to be super heavy daily but it finally got better, only when I get triggered kinda badly now it happens... i don't have access to many trauma memories/ I sometimes gain and loose access to certain parts of the memories & I don't feel emotions about them at all 99% of the time, & when I do they feel more like emotional flashbacks if that makes sense? A lot of the traumatic years in my life are mostly blacked out for me, aside from a few sparse memories.. im told of conversations I had very recently when I'm being told, that I have zero memory of, despite remembering (most) of that day... i rarely find art or writing I don't recognise... I used to struggle with a lot of diff stuff as a teenager (ed, sh, catatonia, heavy mood swings, depressive & psychotic episodes) but I finally got a lot of it under control... and I can't believe my trauma in childhood would be strong enough to cause my personality to not be? One? On top of all that If that..? how do i know I don't make them up...? And if it isn't sth like osdd, what does that mean about the voices I hear inside my head sometimes? Are they not real? I'm just. So confused.. i want to just ignore it like I've been mostly trying to apart from a few bouts of interest/ confusion but I just don't know where to go from here? I've been writing about symptoms in my diary when they happen (at least I try to remember to?) But I feel stuck? I want this to go away but it won't...i feel like all I can do is wait, but then I forget about it again until I suddenly hear someone, or suddenly realise I have no idea what I did the last 30 mins ish, and my partner tells me about conversations "we" had in that time I don't remember at all.... Usually just casual stuff, but it's like I jumped in time for short bits. And then I feel so weird and lost again... I genuinely feel ashamed even sending this, I tried talking about this with my therapist but she mostly didn't seem to want to talk about it....

I just went thru this message and tried editing typos and all, and edit stuff to make it.. make sense ig because I know it's very rambly and I barely understand it myself- and it so long and I'm very sorry... this is my third try and sending a coherent ask and its hard to do because whenever I more or less seriously think about this topic for longer than a few minutes my body tenses up and I slightly dissociate and I get kinda uncomfortable and my thoughts start to become kinda unorganized and uh... I just hope this isn't annoying you and feel free to not answer this if its too much/ too rambly whatever I'd totally understand it also I'm still terribly afraid I'm somehow obviously imagining this all or making it up or just not understanding stuff correctly or something..

Hey,

That's a lot so let's take it step by step.

First part of your post says that you don't want a diagnosis and you also mentioned your therapist who thinks you are not DID/OSDD system. You want to know if it's ok to be a part of DID/OSDD community even if you don't want to prove anything to you.

It's important to undestand yourself even if you don't care about labels.

It's ok if you decided to take a step back and focus on yourself than how to name your disorder.

However, for some reasons you are asking about it so you seem resigned to the situation and that's something what I'm afraid of.

The thing you should know is- you are welcome here. Even if you are not sure about what's going on with you, even if you want to give up for now.

I think you disagree with your specialist, so it is important that you seek the advice of someone else. To make sure he's wrong/right.

Generally it is good to reach a few people sometimes to express their opinion about your mental state, but I know it's time consuming.

it's also normal to think that you are doing something for attention but it's not true.

How you wrote- you talked about it with your 2 friends, specialist and me (by anonymouse question) so it doesn't have sense even if your brain tells something different.

In next part you said about your symptoms, you are wondering if your trauma was enough to have any disorder cost by it and you wrote that you are ok at the moment.

- voices

- dissociation

- derealisation

- amnesia

- ed

- sh

- catatonia

- heavy mood swings

- depressive and psychotic episodes

Don't be ashamed of who you are. Your brain has a problem and the people who caused it should be ashamed. Not you. You did everything to survive and you did great.

Your trauma makes you feel this way. Because of your trauma you expercience dissociation, derealisation and amnesia.

That's enough. You are valid. You've been through a lot.

Even if you feel like are ok at the moment you need to work hard on yourself. It's not okay, but that's the impression you get.

With the symptoms you mentioned you need intensive care and... diagnosis.

Your amnesia, mood swings, depressive and psychotic episodes, voices can be extremely dangerous. Not for others. For you.

(you didn't mention if you were taking any medications btw)

Last part:

Don't worry about your message. I undestood everything and we had the same problem to answer you so sorry it took us so long. I hope you are ok and please, let us know how are you doing.

I'm proud of you for sending this message.

I don't know if it's DID/OSDD, It can be, it can also be other mental problem.

I don't know what voices are telling you. Is it something bad, is it something that make sense? Are they talking to you or maybe they are talking with each other?

How do you feel when they are talking? How long does it take? How often do the voices appear?

For how long you feel okay?

The answers to these questions tell a lot.

Thank you for your question, thank you for open up. Once again- I'm proud you did it and hope you will let us know soon.

We are always here for you if you want to talk or ask a question.

Sorry for my mistakes, I will check this message tomorrow.

I'm sorry we didn't answer earlier.

Thank you again, stay safe and strong (as always)

- Cornell

[ashintheairlikesnow]

hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead. 

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it. 

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise. 

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.  

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives. 

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope. 

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think. 

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[fanders-art]

Better - chapter 1

Summary: Elle is a depressed 25 year old who doesn't see the hope and kindness on store for herself. This is the story on recovery

Trigger warnings: suicidal ideation, pessimistic thinking/negative self talk, depression (tell me if there's more please !)

Note- this is my first ever story, it might not be good but bear with me, i may know what im talking about, I know how depression feels. I wrote this to show theres always hope. You can get better and feel better even when it's hard and it is a constant fight. Without further ado, THE STORY!~

_______________________________

"Anyways Elle, I have to go to my next class now so I'll call you later, bye"

My little sister, Anna, says sounding dissapointed, and hangs up the phone; I start wondering if she got bored with me and ended the call, or maybe she really didn't want to go to class. I sigh and turn over in my bed.

I had just woken up before the call, my body feeling like lead and my spirits were low, as if they were mourning the hole on my heart that yearned for comforting words, for happiness. Longing for love, fulfillment and support. Something to hold it all together. It's been there for quite some time now. I shake my head at the thought.

Go wash the dishes you useless adult.

I would, if my body didnt feel so heavy that it hurts.

I would if I had any reason to

Any motivation.

But there's none so what's the point?

I go to sleep again

___________________________________

I wake up in my room feeling lighter than yesterday, but not completely light. I look at the date on my phone, it's Wednesday, 5:00pm. My eyes go wide, but my mouth forms a thin line. I slept through 2 days straight and I have to go to work. I jump from my bed. Once i get ready I grab my stuff from the table and run out the door.

The customers are rude again. I'm not surprised anymore, I call my manager and continue the sad routine of working in retail.

________________________

It was normal day, long, but still normal. I was cooking pasta for dinner, something simple that i didn't need energy for.

Nothing significant happenned today, but i still find myself In my kitchen, tears dripping from my eyes, one by one, and sobs wrecking body, making me tremble. I was swaying back and forth, barely focusing on my pasta as my thoughts started consuming me.

You're useless. Absolutely pathetic. Nothing even happened and you're crying? Man, that's weak.

"Stop it, please" I cover my ears, more tears falling to the ground. The silence is deafening. The thoughts get louder.

How long have you been feeling this way? Years. Admit it, You're broken! We could make a list of all the rea-

"SHUT UP, DAMN IT!" I say to my own head. The tears are falling more quickly now, my sight becomes more of a blur. I'm used to it now; as I wipe some of my tears from my face I head to the bathroom.

I look at the mirror, letting the water run through my hands. My hair is up in a messy bun. My face swollen and red from all the crying, with tear tracks all over.

I lean down and wash my face.

_________________________________

After I'm done preparing the pasta, I serve a small amount and store the rest inside the fridge.

Staring at my food, I start poking at it with my fork.

"I'm not hungry anymore."

I start eating.

After I finish, I figure I should wash the dishes while I'm still feeling productive.

________________________

I leave work early today. My manager told me I was very unfocused and Spacey today and I kept making the same mistakes without noticing. More customers left, being angry at me and disrespectful to everybody else.

At my other job, one of my coworkers told me I seemed down. I barely recall them saying

"Hey Elle, take it easy. You're hanging your head and dragging your feet. Have you been sleeping okay? It's been at least three weeks since I saw you speaking to someone, let alone smiling."

I shake them off saying I was just stressed, but a couple of hours later my little sister told me I should see a psychiatrist. That I deserved better. I only listened to the first half, couldn't bring myself to believe the other.

______

"And, that's how I ended up here talking with you, Mr. Cardoso."

I am sitting in a chair on a small office. Taking a brief look around the room, i notice there's and organized desk looking toward one of the walls, the chair at it s left. Behind it, on the opposite side, there were some cabinets displaying toys. I figure they're for the children that come to see him.

I turn to look at the man sitting at the desk as he talks to me.

"So what youre saying is, you have an idea of why these people told you to come here, but don't completely agree with it?"

I nod.

"I'm going to have you fill out a couple of papers to give you a proper diagnosis," he hands me a couple of papers and a pen. "Do tell me when you're finished or have any questions."

I look at the questions in front of me, laid out with the questions of the left and, on the right side, the words: never, a few times, sometimes, often and always. I begin answering the questions.

The questions below ask about anxiety and worrying.

In the last 6 months, have you experienced any of the following symptoms? If so, how often?

I felt that my worry was out of my control- often

I felt restless, agitated, frantic, or tense.- always

I had trouble sleeping - I could not fall or stay asleep, and/or didn't feel well-rested when I woke up.- always

I felt sick to my stomach, like I was going to throw up, or had diarrhea - sometimes

I felt dizzy, my head was spinning, or felt like I was going to faint - a few times

 I was scared that I would lose control, go crazy, or die. -always

In the next set of questions, we will be asking whether you experienced a traumatic event, and how you reacted to it.

How did you experience the traumatic event?

Directly - I was a victim of a traumatic event.

 I witnessed it in person (happening to someone else).

I learned about it happening to a close family member or friend.

I was exposed to it as a result of my job (e.g. paramedic, police officer, fire fighter etc.).

In all of these I notice I don't remember much of my past. I write an 'I don't know' on the side.

I was unable to feel happiness, contentment, joy, or love, or had trouble connecting with people.- agree

There were questions about my mood, emotions, behavior. Even some about drugs, a big no from me.

I finished the questions.

We moved on.

________________________

When I get home I reflect on the appointment I had with the psychiatrist, Mr. Cardoso.

He said he would prefer if I saw a therapist at least once or twice a week, since I had nothing to lose, except for, well, pride, the walls you'd built, and time you could be working, you know, the usual, I said yes.

I look at the cellphone that's on my hands. After a few minutes, I dial the number to the psychiatric hospital. I hear the voice on the other line start spaeking.

"Hello, you have reached wellhealth hospital. How may I help you today?"

"Um" I hesitate. "Hello, I'd like to file an appointment with a therapist?"

"Do you have an insurance? Please give me your full name."

"I just applied for one and got the card. My full name is Elle Cook"

"Alright then. Would you prefer to come on next Monday at 10:30am or Wednesday 5:00pm?" The secretary said in a bored yet polite manner.

"Monday. 10 am. Who is the appointment with?"

"Your appointment is with Ms. Laura. Please come early to fill the necessary documents and show proof of your insurance."

"Will do. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day." After I hear their answer I hang up.

Sighing, I move from my comfy couch to my bathroom. I don't have enough energy for a skin care routine, so I just was my face and teeth, then change into my panda onesie and head to bed.

__________________________________

Special thanks for @thelogicalloganipus @fangirltothefullest @sanders-trash-4ever @pornhubsvt And @asofterfan for helping me with this chapter/giving me feedback!!

Don't know when the next update will be

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