#i tell her that my thyroid problems have been making me more depressed extremely more tired and

[valkerymillenia]

Saw my psychiatrist today...

I really don't like her and she intimidates me and makes so uncomfortable that I blank when talking to her and forget everything I wanted to say.

It sucks.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2015 Dr. O, who might have peaked in my blog again last night from a slightly different location in New York, messaged me to say that she’s having one of her nurses contact me. Until then I thought I would do a private entry where I don’t have to watch what I say. I’m also sick of others being quick to give me their unsolicited advice. That only confuses me even more. The three things I should have kept out of public from the get-go were what the freeloaders did to me, my sleep disorder, and my thyroid issues. Especially the last two. There may be a few paragraphs here that I might share in my public blog as well as my private one, though.

Tammy tried to tell me that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t have enough thyroid hormone in me and not because of the medication. As Tom agrees, that makes no sense. I haven’t had enough thyroid hormone in me for many years; so then why didn’t I feel just as anxious then? I’ve got to be careful what I say to her because one thing we don’t want is for her to get involved. Not too involved anyway. As Tom pointed out, if people can get involved in the past, they can do it again in the future. That’s the only problem with Tammy I still have today. I know she was a part of siccing the pigs on me, even though she continues to deny it, and I know she wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again if she got pissed at me.

I am totally, totally torn between trying to stick the 75 micrograms out and going back to the 50s. I felt so much better on the 50s and I didn’t need lorazepam. What does that tell you right there? That the doctors are telling me one thing while my body is saying another. No matter what they say, I really do believe that the Prozac was making me feel worse. I think it was responsible for my throat pain, and even making me depressed to the point that I thought of dying. I probably should have been more open with my doctors about the dying part. It’s just that revealing those feelings in the past has backfired on me, and I remember that. I know this isn’t Valleyhead and I know this isn’t the 80s, but it is still hard to discuss with anyone other than Tom. From now on though, I will take his advice and be more upfront about that. I know things have changed and that they’re not like they were years ago, but still, I don’t want to God forbid be punished for how I feel and made to feel even worse. As it is I went in with a bum thyroid and even that has made me feel worse in the end. It seems that more often than not, whenever I try to help myself or get something fixed, things end up worse, just like they did with my ear.

I still wake up with a racing heart throughout the night (another thing that didn’t start till after the Prozac), and I agree with Dr. A who said she truly believes it’s anxiety. The only difference is that it’s not as scary as it used to be because I am getting used to it. It is just frustratingly annoying.

The question is why am I having such intense and extreme anxiety that I never had before last year? It is totally unpredictable and it comes and goes when I least expect it to. I can feel fine one minute and the next I am feeling waves of anxiety. Sometimes it’s physical where my heart is elevated, and other times the anxiety is emotional.

I think one of the reasons I have been feeling tired more lately isn’t just the stress, but because I stupidly stopped my vitamins.

I was a little pissed to learn that I never needed a referral for the behavioral center, so we've been waiting all this time for nothing. I spoke to my PCP's nurse yesterday morning who told me to just go ahead and call them. The shrinks are booked through October (utterly ridiculous) but I will see a counselor named Stacey on May 12th.

Saw the street Tammy will be living on and it looks beautiful. Mostly palm trees and a lot more grass than we have here. Maybe she won't hear leaf blowers as much as we do cuz she doesn't have the kinds of trees we have that make such a mess. She's going to hear a lot of mowing, though that's less annoying than blowers. The blowers they use here are insanely loud. For about 5 hours yesterday, the landscaping sounds around me were annoying as hell, especially when I was trying to talk on the phone. They're so loud even when they're not that close.

What's what all the huge spider dreams lately? Last night a huge one ran across the ceiling in my dreams and I was freaking out the closer it got to me.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2015 Felt pretty well during the first few hours of my day… and then the anxiety reared up and bit me in the ass big time. I felt almost like my brain would literally explode with anxiety! My sister calmed me down for a while when we talked until she had to go to the grocery store in preparation for an impending storm. It kept coming and going in waves. One minute an utter calm would envelop me and I would feel like everything was going to be ok and stay ok. The next my anxiety was so fierce I wanted to scream and cry. I won’t even get into how dark my thoughts were turning.

Then the torture continued in my sleep. I woke up several times with a racy heart, and one time Tom took a reading of it. It was 127.

I have been plagued with uncertainty and indecisiveness ever since this shit started up again. Possible causes and ways to help myself were bouncing around in my brain like a Ping-Pong ball on drugs. Did I keep taking the 75’s? Scale back to the 50’s? Give the Prozac another chance? Assume it was too coincidental that the throat pain and bedtime “heart attacks” didn’t start until after I start the Prozac? End it all? Throw myself in the hospital?

Yesterday I messaged my endo and told her I wouldn’t mind trying something else for the anxiety just in case there was a slim possibility the Prozac did affect my throat and sleep. I also let her know I would still use the lorazepam as needed. Then, as I was falling asleep, Tom Skyped me to say he got a message from my primary’s office asking how I was. I will call them this morning and tell them I’ve got to back off the 75s once again and drop to 50 till I can get my anxiety dealt with. I think I just took on too much too fast. I need to get that referral and get into the behavioral center first. Meanwhile, I’m not going to die on 50 mcg. I have a dead thyroid, not cancer. Gotta wonder how the hell all this came out of a dead thyroid, though. I know some of it is menopause and anxiety, but they’re all feeding off each other, and the higher dose does seem to be the main culprit, like it or not. At least for me, it seems that way.

So anxiety first, higher dosage later… maybe. All I know is that every time I’m on 75’s I feel like shit. I can’t stand to have my life and sleep tormented to such a degree during the months it could take to get acclimated. I just can’t do it. 50 mcg may be less than my body needs, but it’s all my body can take right now.

I don’t expect any trouble from my docs or that they’ll try to push me to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. After all, I am an adult and I’m sure they know I have to trust what my gut tells me and what I feel is best for me, since I know my body better than anyone else, and not just rely 100% on them and what they tell me. They’re to help me help myself. Not to mold and shape me into whatever as if I were a piece of putty. But on the off chance there is any unnecessary pressure, I’ll see Tom’s doctor instead.

Tom saw his doctor yesterday and told him how his BP medication makes him cough a lot. His doctor told him most of them do that but gave him something else to try. He mentioned beta-blockers and Tom told him about me. But because Tom’s the opposite of me and has a naturally slow heart rate, he’s going to pass on the blockers. His TSH and cholesterol are great and he is still healthy as can be. Thank goodness one of us is! Better him than me, but still, it would be nice if I could be healthier. I quit smoking fairly young, I keep in shape… I should be healthy damn it!

He got a tetanus shot but passed on the colonoscopy. He said, “Do you want this or that,” and not “You need this or that,” so that’s good.

I have more to write about, including great news about Tammy, but will get to it later. My energy spans are short these days due to all the stress.

Later…

Okay, on with Tammy's news as well as the last two nights of dreams before I forget. Well, I wouldn’t forget Tammy, but the longer I ignore my dream notes, the less sense they make to me. I still have a half-hour before I can call my doctor anyway.

Tammy and Mark made an offer on a house that was accepted in what I am told is a beautiful park with palm trees and flowers galore. It’s a two-bath, two-bed manufactured home that’s slightly bigger than ours. It’s called the Savannah Club and it sounds like it’s a much bigger park than ours. Ours only has one pool, one clubhouse, and a small lake. This place has multiple pools, clubhouses, and even a movie theater that attracts famous people.

There are wildlife preserves around her so no one can build up in around the area. Hopefully, she won’t have a problem with hunters and dirt bikes, but the east isn’t like the west, so I doubt she will. I teased her about the daily landscaping sounds she’s probably in for. The more plants you have around you, the more you’re going to hear this person trimming this, and that person mowing that, while another is reaching for their blower. Teased her about how much the old guys love to saw too, as she too, will be in a retirement community. The sawing will come and go in spurts. You can go months without hearing them.

She said she met her neighbors next to her and across from her and adores them.

I am so, so happy and excited for her! Finally, she has a beautiful new home to call her own in a climate that may have allergies in store for her but that she otherwise loves.

In other cool news, Matt M, the former owner of Valleyhead before the FBI shut it down, died recently. Oh boo fucking hoo, huh? LOL, wonder if the fraudulent bastard was still in prison for all the girls he ripped off and the lives he helped ruin.

Random dream scenes: A HUGE spider that grew wings and flew out of a box and onto my shoulder, leaving me literally paralyzed with fear. I was too terrified to try to shake it off!

A guy dancing to a yellow iPod in a crowded room.

My old hot doc and some older male doctor referring me to someone because of a 51% chance of who knows what.

Us buying an old ugly house with a lighted table that had been left in the kitchen that I vowed to get rid of.

Swimming somewhere and visiting our old town in Oregon for a fair they were having. I thought how I missed the town but not the weather. In some ways this is true. After passing the same person 3 times throughout the day, I looked at Tom and said, “Only in the tiny town of Klamath Falls can you cross paths with the same person multiple times in one day.”

I had such a good time there that I wanted to stay. But I knew I couldn’t take the cold and snow, and doubted they had any retirement parks. Therefore, getting a house in the mainstream and dealing with screaming kids and barking dogs wasn’t an option as much as I enjoyed visiting. Even when it began to pour like crazy.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2015 On Thursday I decided to do one of my favorite hobbies… people hunting. I don’t know why but I just love to hunt for any little mundane tidbits I can find on people, but not people I know well or don’t know at all. It has to be somebody I’ve met or seen at least a few times like my endo. It’s a sort of a game to me just like some people love scavenger hunts and to see what little treasures they can come up with. Well, I would hardly count the fact that I learned that my doctor doesn’t drink as a “treasure,” but the whole idea of the game is to see what I can find. Silly, pointless game, perhaps, but fun and sometimes interesting. She loves those slot games, LOL.

I knew she had a house in Sacramento and was married and that was pretty much it, other than her age and a few facts found on the health site. I wouldn’t even know that she once lived in Massachusetts had she not told me. Sometimes it takes a few tries of hunting before you turn up anything. One way I have learned to get more information on people is through their friends provided you can find them on Facebook in the first place. It took me a few tries to find her there and at first I wasn’t even sure it was her because there was no personal information listed. No location, no age, no nothing. The account was mostly public, though, and while her “likes” and movies and books and music suggested that of an older person, I had no idea who it really was at first. They have only 15 friends, mostly in Gloversville, New York, and I couldn’t tell who might be directly related to her and who may be related to her husband or those bearing her last name if it really was her.

A closer look at her friends turned up a daughter named Stormy who looks old as hell. This chick is either a lot younger than she looks or the doctor had her very young. I could see a resemblance in the daughter’s picture. Same brown eyes, same downturned nose, same wavy brown hair, same slim figure. LOL, the endocrinologists are skinny and their patients are fat. I’d describe her as somewhere between ugly and plain with a bit of a harsh appearance.

The one thing that definitely stood out was the doc’s nature pictures. She doesn’t have an extensive account and doesn’t post very often, but many of the pics are the types I would decorate my blog with so I sent a brief message complimenting them. Regardless of who it was, they were beautiful.

Facebook goes out of its way to make reaching out to people rather hard, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the site, but that’s just the way it is. Most of the time you send a message to a non-friend, if they even get it, it will likely go to their other box and remain unseen. That’s what I expected in this case, but for some reason, the message went straight to her inbox. Although I never got a reply, not surprisingly, the message was read, and then I noticed a blog view from Gloversville.

I wished I could know if the doctor was out of town at the moment because that would confirm my suspicion as to their identity. But of course I had no way of knowing that and I wasn’t about to ask… until she checked into the health site to answer my questions and volunteered that information on her own.

So she knew I messaged her before she sent me this today:

Hi, I am out of town right now but checking on messages and saw this and your other message. I do not think this is high thyroid. The symptoms of feeling hot and anxious in the middle of the night might be anxiety. I do not think Prozac is necessarily causing these to be worse. If these are happening nightly then I suggest for a few nights you take lorazepam as you are going to bed to relax you. If these are anxiety they should improve with time on fluoxetine though perhaps the dose is too low or there are better agents for you. If they persist let me know and we can change gears before the planned next visit. Don't think sore throat is related to any of this. Tingling in the extremeties happens with the anxiety and breathing rapidly. See yoour PCP to figure out the sore throat if it persists. Dr O

Later…

Going to stop sharing posts on Google+ since I tend to move things around a bit, which makes the links useless.

I am so glad to finally say that I feel so much better and got better sleep yesterday. I still woke up nearly a dozen times and was aware of on and off throat pain, but I didn’t wake up feeling like I was on fire and like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I also fell back asleep relatively fast. I first fell asleep without the lorazepam and then I woke up an hour later. That’s when I took it. I slept eight hours in total.

No racing heart yesterday and so I never needed the beta-blocker other than that one time so far. I’m doing well so far today too, but that’s one of those unpredictable things that can sneak up on you anytime. As long as sitting down and taking some deep breaths will slow my pulse down, then I don’t need the beta-blocker.

The throat thing is the weirdest thing because it doesn’t feel like acid reflux any more than it feels like a pulled muscle, and after the first day, I only felt it lying down. It is getting better, though, so whatever it is I’m not worried about it right now. The doctor said to see my primary if it persists. She also thinks waking up with a racing heart is due to anxiety and that the Prozac probably wasn’t responsible for that or the throat pain. She said that tingling could occur in the extremities from anxiety, which I didn’t know until now. The question is whether or not to try the Prozac again. She said the dose could be too low or there might be something else better for me, and to let her know if I have any more problems so we can try something else before our next appointment.

When Tom gets up I’ll discuss it with him and see what his opinion is. I always value his opinion as well as my sister’s, since she was once a medical assistant and is as familiar with these things as I am with the rules of the romance languages.

Tammy had a great point in her message to me earlier that I totally didn’t think of and that’s that sometimes you have to get worse before you get better. She has been on tons of meds and has experienced something or another from each and every one of them until her body got used to them. Sometimes the side effects went away, other times she couldn’t stand them and had to stop. The side effects can definitely be scarier than the disease itself. The thought of having the pocket of activity flare up in my thyroid isn’t scary, but it sure is if you’re taking 75 mcg of levothyroxine when it happens.

There is an end, she assured me, and that helps a lot. Maybe my life in my sleep as I knew it isn’t forever gone after all. It’s just trying to be patient until everything is fine-tuned to where it’s supposed to be. Had to laugh, however, when she said this is a simple disease to treat. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought I would just take a pill and forget about it. How wrong I was! Hopefully, it will be that simple in the future soon enough. I have never in my life experienced anxiety to this degree even in my most anxious of moments. I definitely do want it to back off. I mean it’s great that I feel better right now, but how long will it last?

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2015 We swapped mattresses but I didn’t have any better luck sleeping on it. I didn’t seem to get as hot since the other mattress has no memory foam, but I woke up just as often and the bed was horribly uncomfortable because it is way too hard. So I decided that if I’m going to sleep shitty on both mattresses, I might as well choose the one that is most comfortable and that is definitely our four-year-old memory foam mattress. I hate how hot it makes me feel but it is otherwise like sleeping on a cloud. Super comfortable. Maybe not as comfortable as a waterbed but still very comfortable.

Tom double-checked what can cause a person to wake up with a racy heart and found three reasons. Anxiety, menopause and stimulants. Well, I have been going easy on the caffeine, but I certainly have plenty of the first two. It comes and goes with no predictability. Right now I feel perfectly calm but yesterday I was crying on the phone to my sister while Tom was asleep. I left her some voice messages. She wants to chat live but I want to wait until I’m more on days than nights.

She said I shouldn’t have stopped the Prozac because it will help with the anxiety, but I only did so because I thought I was having a reaction to it. The facial tingling stopped, but I still get that strange, intense throat pain when I’m sleeping. I want to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what she says. If she doesn’t reply to my message in the morning I will call her office Tuesday morning. Really hope that referral comes in this week too.

For now, I still have the lorazepam. Maybe I should try taking it before bed instead of in the middle of my sleep. I can usually go right back to sleep the first two or three times I wake up, but in the middle of my sleep I have a harder time getting back to sleep and that’s when I’ve been taking the lorazepam. IDK, maybe taking it beforehand will help prevent that. It’s an experiment worth trying.

As Tammy said, I’ve had this disease for years and it’s going to take time for my body to adjust to the medication and all that. This is true, but when you’re suffering time is everything to you. I am trying to do all I can to change my way of thinking and not to dwell on what might happen and how long this shit might last, and just accept that there’s a good chance I’m not going to be sleeping well anymore and to just get whatever sleep I can. Also, quit being afraid of what my heart might do and just keep busy, keep distracted, and try to surround myself with positive things instead of anything negative. Sometimes it is easier said than done and you start to believe you’re never going to get better and you feel yourself losing hope. What do you do at that point? Tell yourself to just learn to suffer? Be a good little sufferer and just live with it? Tell yourself it must be “meant to be?”

Sometimes I feel my anxiety turning to anger, and I need to feel that anger more often because anger can lead to productiveness. It can be as positive as it can be negative. It can help motivate us to change things for the better. We may not always succeed in the end, but anger is often our chance to give it a shot. Whether or not this is happening to me out of random chance or because something up there has it in for me, I’m getting pissed all right. It is interfering with nearly every aspect of my life. It’s taking the enjoyment out of my home, my park, and my life. I don’t have the luxury of going on a bike ride around the park like I used to love to do by myself when Tom wasn’t available because I have to fear my meds and thyroid issues combined will elevate my heartbeat as unpredictable as it can be, and then I might panic and make it even worse. Well, I’m tired of living with these fears. I’m not going to push myself to do too much too fast, but I am determined to take little steps toward getting there like I did earlier by walking around the circle…alone.

At this point my not being able to sleep is harder on me than what might happen to me when I’m awake. Sometimes I am just so tired I can barely function. I never thought I would say this, but I am actually glad right now that I am unable to work outside of home. I always had some semblance of a schedule even when I didn’t have a schedule, but now I don’t even have that. It’s taken “erratic” to a whole new meaning of the word and it is going to make my life a lot harder if it keeps up, especially if I want to travel or to try to keep appointments. There’s no doubt that most of it is caused by perimenopause, and I can already tell that there’s no way I’m going to get my period on the seventh, which would be when I would get it if I was as regular as I used to be. I used to be like clockwork. It would be a simple process if it would just quit picking on my sleep. It is exciting otherwise. This is it. I am definitely slowly signing off from Period Land. I will probably still get a few here and there for the next year or two, though.

I used to love to relax for a few minutes here and there in between tasks, but I’m making a point of not doing that for now because that’s when my mind sometimes takes me places I don’t want to go.

“Is my heart racing? Could it be getting ready to race? Is trouble ahead? Will I ever get better?”

These are the types of thoughts I don’t want racing through my mind. With nothing to distract me, they swirl through my mind like water swirls through a toilet bowl. Only there’s no place to flush it all away.

Ok, quick recap of yesterday and then I’m going to try my best to get on with my life. Tom and I worked out in the morning and I fell asleep earlier than I usually would have because I was so tired. I slept on and off for most of the day, got up and felt warm for the first hour or so like I seem to be doing a lot lately. I did my usual routine of taking my medication, having my one cup of coffee, brushing my teeth, taking my shower, and treating my toenail fungus. It’s getting better but it still looks kind of gross. These things take time. Too bad this wasn’t my biggest problem, though, huh?

I never needed the beta blocker yesterday and so far today I am doing well and I hope it stays that way regardless of how I sleep the next time around, whenever that may be. Since I am a little better rested today I expect to be up close to lunchtime.

I’m going to proofread this entry, post it and then get on with my Dutch lesson. I let Hoodie out earlier and maybe I’ll let him out again while I read.

Ugh, we need to rid this country of its blacks and make this a safer place to live! I don’t read the news, but I read other people’s journals, which often talk about their own lives as well as what’s going on in the world.

Once again, the blacks are doing what they do best… violence. Rioting like spoiled little children every time something goes wrong with one of them or they don’t get their way, and taking it out on innocent people while they’re at it. This time it’s over a death while in pig custody in Baltimore.

Maybe someday they will learn, along with the t-heads, that violence is never a solution. And of course, no one riots or gives a shit when whites are brutalized by the pigs, and they ARE. What about that pregnant woman? She made the news, but no one rioted for her. Skin too white to be worth it?

I’m sorry for any true, honest-to-God victim of police brutality, but I have no sympathy for blacks in general. They only disgust me even more when they do shit like this. If gays and Jews can get ahead without violence, so can they. Yet so many people just love blacks. Say anything negative against them and whites will take it just as personally. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. The few left that don’t care for them obviously see them for the subhuman pieces of shit 80% of them are. I’m getting to the point where I nearly want to puke when I see one same as when I see a Muzzie.

Like it or not, just like some breeds of dogs are more aggressive than others, clearly some groups of people are too, and these are one of them. But you can’t make people see what they simply don’t want to see. People want to believe people are good, but the reality is that most of them aren’t. Would the world be as fucked up as it is if they were?

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2015 This not sleeping, having to deal with a racy heart and being overheated, is really wearing me down both physically and emotionally that I find my thoughts going to some very dark places, the more the torture takes its toll on me. This complex, nasty disease, along with whatever other issues I may have going on, like menopause and this mysterious throat pain that comes and goes, are getting to be more than I can handle. Too much is coming at me too fast.

I have lost a few pounds and you would think I should be pleased but instead, I am worried. Most of it has been lost through not feeling well. In some ways, I would rather have my old appetite back and have to tell myself, “Whoa! Slow down!” Then try to keep the scale from climbing. Yes, I really do miss some of my old problems in comparison to this one. That’s just the thing, though… it’s not just one, simple and obvious problem. When a woman has cramps she knows the cause of it is because of her period, so she takes an ibuprofen or something, and that’s it. So be it. Even what we went through in Auburn, as horrible as it was, was a lot simpler than this. The problem was obvious… the economy sucked, we were broke, and there weren’t enough jobs.

What’s going on with me now is a lot more complex. There isn’t just one thing causing a particular symptom, and sometimes I can’t know what they are or what to do about it. I’m thrown in a strange room blindfolded and I don’t know what may be in that room with me.

I still can’t get my body to stay asleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It’s bad enough to wake up just because, but it’s a lot easier to wake up for a second, and then go right back to sleep. When you wake up with a hot flash and booming heart, that’s going to a whole new level of shittiness. Every day now I have needed to take a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep.

I couldn’t fall asleep until 11am and I finally pulled myself out of bed at 8pm. I checked my sites online that I go to regularly, made myself eat a little something and then I got back into bed because I was still exhausted. I’m feeling more depressed than anxious right now. I hate to think that my only choices in life are to learn to suffer or to end it all.

In some ways, I’m just as shitty with this new team of doctors as with the old team. My old endo had to go, though, don’t get me wrong. She was a rude and uncaring doctor. But am I really better off now than I was before? I have a doctor who is willing to give me more information than my old one, but I still feel like shit.

I am told that in a couple of months when my levels and numbers are where they’re supposed to be and my pituitary gland stops barking orders at my thyroid to work harder, I will begin to feel better, and I will be at less risk of pocket flares as my thyroid dies off. If this is really true, that’s many weeks away and I don’t know if I can hold it together that long. I’m still waiting for the doctor to get back to me and for the referral to the behavioral center.

I left Tammy some voice messages even though I probably shouldn’t because she has enough of her own problems.

At 1am I finally pulled myself out of bed for a shower and some more food, then to do this entry. I’m still exhausted and I may go lay down again if only because I feel safer from the bad kinds of “beatdowns,” as I call them. There are a few different kinds as funny and confusing as that may sound to those who have never experienced this horrifying thing. You have your short-acting ones and your long-acting ones. My heart has behaved so far today, but it is unpredictable.

About 10 hours after I took my levothyroxine yesterday my pulse shot up to 125, so I took the beta blocker. It definitely worked, slamming my pulse all the way down to 85. The problem is that it made me feel so sluggish and cold. It may have made me a little short of breath, but that could have been anxiety.

For now, I continue to document in brief but to-the-point notes for my doctor, even if it might not do me much good.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2015 Okay, here’s my good entry to make up for my not-so-good entry. Andy's surprise turned out to be cheesecake samplers. They are wonderful! My favorites are turtle cheesecake and the New York-style cheesecake, and I also love the raspberry and Oreo cookie cheesecakes. Tom has never had cheesecake in his life and I convinced him to try the Oreo one, and he loved it.

Gotta admit I did not expect this. I thought it would have to do with rats or scented things.

He is an amazing friend and I really appreciate his support through these tough times. I may or may not survive in the end, but I definitely have the love of good friends and family along the way.

There are 12 cheesecakes and they are very rich and filling, so they will last a long time. Probably even longer for me because my appetite has been down lately. I can only eat a little more than half of one at one time. Even a 300-calorie frozen dinner stuffs the hell out of me.

My second, larger figure skater wall sticker silhouette arrived but I have not put it up yet. I finished the laundry, wrote up the grocery list, and did some blogging, so I am making progress at trying to keep myself busy whenever I am awake.

Last night it rained for a few minutes and tonight we have a steady rain that has gone on for a few hours. It is a nice soothing sound.

The only dream I remember was arriving somewhere on a train. But instead of the people exiting the train from seats that are bolted down inside, the front of the train opened up, and the rows of seats “ejected” themselves like a long tongue slowly sticking out of a snake’s mouth.

I spotted my brother and realized that he was the conductor. I walked up to him as he studied a clipboard in his hands and said hello. He didn’t seem happy to see me and said something like, “What, are you going to dump me again?”

“Naw,” I said.

Then he said something about not wanting any problems and I said, “Yeah, it seems silly to stay angry at each other at this point.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2015 This is going to be a long, depressing health rant, and then I will do a happier blog later on. I am trying not to dwell on the negative in my life right now, but I also want to document whatever happens because it’s good to keep records. You just never know how it may help in the future.

I have been so bad that Tom stayed home today, but this time we wonder if it’s because of a reaction to the Prozac which I have temporarily stopped until I hear back from the doctor. I messaged her Thursday afternoon and I am kind of surprised she didn’t reply this morning but it did say that it can take up to one or two business days. Makes me wonder if she’s in New York. Out of curiosity I looked her up on Facebook and found an account I thought might be hers. I sent a message complimenting her nature pictures, which were very nice, and noticed that she had some friends in Gloversville, New York. Strangely enough, the message went straight to her inbox, appeared as having been seen, and then I got a blog view from that area. If it wasn’t her, why didn’t she reply? Or maybe she did and I just didn’t get it. You never know with Facebook.

I thought I would sleep better with Tom home but I didn’t. I developed intermittent throat pain that went on for about 24 hours, and facial tingling as well. And no, the sore throat wasn’t like when you’re getting a cold. Besides, nothing I did helped. I tried hot drinks, I tried cold drinks, I tried ibuprofen, and I tried a throat lozenge.

We looked online as well as at the papers the pharmacist gave us and they listed this as possible side effects, as well as hot flashes, racing heart, and problems sleeping. Well, I sure had problems sleeping, alright. I have never ever slept so shitty in my entire life. I couldn’t fall asleep till around 5 AM and because I kept waking up so many times I couldn’t pull myself out of bed until 4:30. I woke up at least five times with my heart racing and feeling warm as well. The yoga mat did help keep me a little cooler but not much. I also woke up like 10 other times just because. I am anxious, depressed, worried, and starting to wonder if I’m going to end up in the hospital. I sure as hell hope not but will do whatever it takes to get better and back to my old self for more than just a few days or a few weeks if I’m really lucky. Then again, what if I can never get better? What if this is it? What if this is my new life and I have no choice but to accept it and try to adapt as best I can? That’s a scary thought!

Why am I so prone to side effects, if that’s really what it was? I’m almost positive the throat thing was the acid reflux problem some people have, but I can’t swear to the bedtime beatdowns my heart puts me through. Some of that could still be menopause, my thyroid meds, or just plain anxiety. I only know it isn’t normal for me. Yes, I know things change with age, but nobody should sleep that badly. The whole thing just seems way too extreme. Not sure which came first… did I wake up and then find myself aware of my heart racing? Or did I wake up because my heart was racing? Tom thinks it’s the first one.

We’re going to give it one more night, and then if I continue to have problems we will go ahead and swap mattresses. The mattress in the second bedroom is very firm but there is no memory foam topper on it. If that’s what I got to do to stop this shit, I’ll do it. What I really miss most are waterbeds. That might be an option in the future, too. I just hate feeling like life as I knew it and my sleep as I knew it is history. This is just horrible because it leaves me with so little energy when I’m awake. It’s like my mind wants to do things but my body puts up a fight and protests. I have to push myself onward and forward when I just want to lie in bed and do nothing but worry, wonder and hope. Eventually, I’m going to lose that hope, though, the longer this keeps up. Still no issues while awake, but I do feel a bit anxious and I still worry about how the levothyroxine may affect me later on.

So while I should be happy and enjoying my life, I am scrambling to figure out what to do so I can have at least a fairly decent night's sleep, while I try not to worry about what problems my thyroid meds may cause me in the future, and question every little thing I feel. At least a lorazepam hasn’t given me any problems, but that’s only for when the anxiety levels go way up. Still haven’t used the beta blocker and still hoping that if I ever have to, Tom will be home at the time in case that too, causes any problems.

It’s too bad Prozac didn’t work out because it seemed to be calming me a bit. Tom said that those with throat pain caused by acid reflux found that they didn’t have it if they took it in the morning instead of at night, but I would rather wait until I confer with my doctor.

The biggest thing right now is to try to keep as active as possible, as Tom stressed. You don’t want to ignore something like this, but you don’t want to dwell on it either. So I might put my latest story idea to print and do as much as I can to focus on other things, and not how much I’ve come to hate – and sometimes fear – being alone.

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2015 My message to Dr. O:

So far I have been feeling okay when I am awake. The problem is when I am asleep. Once yesterday and twice today I woke up overheated with hot flashes and a booming heart. I was able to calm my heart in a few minutes and therefore did not take the beta-blocker. But I was trembling with nerves and took a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. This is absolutely awful because now I am afraid to go to sleep when it can be scary enough just being awake and so I was wondering if you had any advice that could help me. I sleep with the house at 68 degrees and a fan blaring on me and nothing but my undies and thin blanket. I had even kicked off the blanket and just had a cover sheet over me. I am going to try putting my gel-like yoga pad on top of the memory foam and see if maybe that will help stop the warming effect. I am on nights right now or else I would have contacted you earlier. My house is currently 74 degrees and I feel like it is 80.

Later…

And my life forecast says:

Love = sunny.

Money = sunny.

Health = rain mixed with fierce downpours that could drown a herd of elephants in no time at all.

I finally got fed up enough to message my doctor online and let her in on my “rude awakenings.”

40 years ago I got my first period while at our summer cottage in Connecticut. 20 years ago it was either children or life. I chose life. Now, 20 years later I am having the hot flashes from hell. The hot flashes I once thought might be “fun” since I hate cold and being cold, but this is anything but fun. Especially when it wakes you up. Feeling like you’re on fire when you’re awake is one thing, but when you wake up feeling like your body is on fire, heart booming in your chest, it is anything but fun.

This is the second day in a row this has happened, and this time it happened twice. The first time I got up and was just about to reach for the beta-blocker when I felt my heartbeat slowing down. I took a lorazepam and called Tom, totally rattled by the whole thing. Dangerous or not, it is still terrifying. He calmed me down and after an hour I fell asleep only to wake up from the same damn thing a couple of hours later. Only thing was that this time I was too tired to get up. I sat up for a few seconds to help cool me down and then I fell back asleep. So much for keeping the house chilly and sleeping with just the cover sheet in addition to having the fan on me, and wearing nothing but my boy shorts. Oh, and of course I had to wake up just because, too. I wish I could just give up sleep altogether! I’m not getting into that bed until I am absolutely utterly exhausted.

Where are these things coming from all of a sudden anyway? I’ve had feelings of being warm and cold for quite a while now while awake, but nothing like this where it was waking me up. On the few occasions I woke up in the past, I would simply be hot. I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest as well. This is the third or fourth time this has happened in the last two months.

The doctor explained to me that the hormones don’t go wacky; they just quit. Yeah? Well, I want them back. All of them.

Where I was trying to stop questioning whether or not I thought my heart was racing or if it was about to start racing while I was awake, now I have to wonder what nightmares I may be in for when I go to sleep. I think I am more afraid to sleep than to be awake right now, though I still do fear what my medication may have in store for me later on.

I shoved my yoga pad underneath my sheet and I’m going to see if that blocks the memory foam from causing me to overheat. My guess is that it won’t do me much good. There’s never a quick fix to my problems. Really, nothing is ever short and sweet for me unless it’s something good. My problems are always long-term. I don’t mean weeks or even months, but years. First it’s getting legally screwed until I could get that overturned, then it's poverty, and now it’s my health. If the doctors and I can ever get me feeling better (which I would absolutely love), what would be next?

There’s a 65-year-old woman (in Germany?) who is pregnant by artificial insemination. While I think it is horribly selfish and wrong to have kids at that age, I can’t help but look at her as inspirational. If she can put herself through all that at her age, why can’t I survive this thyroid and menopause bullshit at my age?

For the longest time, I was very much against the use of psych pills after the way they really screwed me over and basically made a guinea pig out of me trying to get me to be the “normal” person they thought I should be, as well as so many others, while I was a ward of the state. Tom read an article that says that the way they handled this type of stuff back in the 70s and 80s was almost criminal. It was horrible the way they lumped so many things together and had practically no understanding of the different types of issues and the proper way to go about treating them. They were too quick to resort to drugs rather than get to the root of the problem, so in a sense, they were no better than those who turned to illegal drugs and alcohol. I’m at the point now where I will take whatever can help me without killing me along the way. As long as it’s the right thing for me and I’m treated as the individual I am and not thrown into some group, labeled or categorized, and needlessly thrown on one drug after another, I am okay with a little artificial help.

Other than a strangely sore throat, which doesn’t feel like the kind of sore throat one has when they’re getting a cold, it isn’t all bad. Bad enough at times, but there is some good going on. My metabolism is moving faster and my body is now burning what it eats. My joints and muscles feel better, although my skin and hair are still a bit dry.

African Tea Rose nail polish really does smell like roses even with a top coat and even after wearing it overnight. I even got an awesome story idea earlier.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2015 Everybody keeps telling me I’m going to get better, but I’m still waiting. Every now and then I think I see a shadow of my old self. I chase that shadow but it remains elusive. Ah, my old self. The one whose worst problems were earaches, allergies and a little dental pain. I really miss her. Well, my TSH may be better but my menopause certainly isn’t.

After just an hour of sleep, I woke up (during a dream about us moving to a park that my sister and my nieces lived in) and overheated with my heart pounding just like I did on February 10. I’m documenting every torturous detail for my own reference as well as to possibly show my doctors. I can’t blame it on the higher thyroid dosage, though; because I wasn’t on 75 the last time it happened. I was on the 50s. Even my doctor said my thyroid isn’t my angel/devil. Other things can be going on.

When it happened in February I was able to just get up, put the fan on and return to sleep a few minutes later, probably because Tom was home. Not this time, though. This time I was home alone and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep and I even had to take a lorazepam. I was trembling like crazy and my body felt like it was on fire even though it was cool in the house. The reason I didn’t take the beta-blocker was that my heart calmed down a few minutes later, and I was pretty sure that it was more about menopause than my thyroid or medication. I don’t want to reach for the rescue pills unless I have an underlying racy heart that just won’t quit.

It is extremely frustrating and even scary having to deal with menopause and anxiety on top of trying to regulate my thyroid medication. It would have been nice if I could have done this one at a time instead of all at once. I’m in a shitty zone right now… Stuck in the middle of the transition. This means that I have hot flashes but I still have PMS and periods too, since they don’t just turn off like a light. So I basically have it all and that’s certainly no fun.

On top of all this female shit, there is still the fear hanging over my head that the raised thyroid dosage may backfire on me. Even if the beta-blocker works if my heart gets out of control, I don’t want to keep suffering and then having to resort to the blocker, but nobody thinks I will have to so that’s good.

My metabolism is undoubtedly speeding up. No doubt about it. This is both scary and exciting. If I can survive this dose without any problems this time around… bye-bye extra 25 pounds.

I’m just afraid of coming full circle. The first time I was bumped up to 75 was around this time of year. Well, my metabolism is moving faster, my appetite is down, and I have to take more number twos. I fear that I will end up with the same severe anxiety just like last year. I hope to hell I am wrong, though! So far it looks like the Prozac is helping, along with the way we took a slower approach to upping my dose this time around, but there’s no way to know what the future holds. We can think we know and we can have our guesses, hopes and assumptions, but we can never know for sure until the future gets here. Well, I need at least three or four months on 75 without any issues for me to finally be able to relax and breathe a sigh of relief and think maybe I am finally home-free. Then I will just have the menopause and the anxiety to deal with, but the anxiety should lessen the longer I continue not to have any medication issues.

The doctor was right, though; 50 mcg wasn’t enough. My metabolism was still too slow. I felt better than on no medication at all, but I was still retaining water, gaining weight easily, and having the driest skin and hair on earth.

The exciting part is seeing my body treat calories like it should treat it. It doesn’t gain weight from a lousy 80-calorie yogurt and hold it for hours and hours. It may gain half a pound instead of a whole pound or more, but then if I don’t eat for a few hours my weight starts dropping like it’s supposed to. Before, however, it’d hover at the same weight even with hours of not eating anything. It was terrible. If I’m going to be overweight I want it to be because I eat too much and not because some disease is preventing me from burning calories properly. I don’t expect to be 100 pounds like I was when I was young, but being older and more solid I might get down to the 120s. If I don’t, it still won’t kill me to stay in the 140s.

Where it got scary was when I thought it was going to keep climbing and climbing and climbing. At barely 5 feet tall there’s only so much weight I can carry.

It was also scary watching it fly off at record speed like it did last summer. Nobody should lose weight that fast.

Either way, I’m not naturally heavy and I’m not naturally inactive, so if the “side effects” don’t kill me, then I guess there’s a chance I may be buying new clothes one of these days soon enough. The most important thing is keeping my heart from feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest.

As for the menopause, I would really like to get rid of my memory foam mattress. They may be ideal for cold climates, but not California. I just don’t know what to replace it with since almost everything has memory foam toppers these days. For now, I will just use the cover sheet without the blanket, and I will continue to have the fan going.

Another transition I’m stuck in right now is the weather. If you live where you have big high-low fluctuations like we do which averages 30° between night and day, you can literally need both your heat and AC at certain times of the year. The days are nice but the nights are still cold.

I forgot to write about the slave bracelet. A few days ago the question of the day on Ask was what we wear for jewelry. Andy said a slave bracelet. Curious to see what one looked like, I googled it and found it was a bracelet with a chain that goes to a ring. I decided I wanted one, so I picked out a slave bracelet and also a slave ankle bracelet on Amazon. Hope my hands and feet aren’t too small, but eh, they were cheap. My survey change paid for them. I thanked Andy for mentioning that even though I couldn’t picture him wearing one and he cracked up laughing because he said he simply made it up. LOL

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2015 So I was sitting here having my coffee and thinking how wonderful it would be if I never needed those rescue pills and then I realized that that would be too easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me. Nothing.

Sure enough, I get in the shower and lather my hair with shampoo when my heart starts taking off on a mad race and beating hard as well. So I quickly rinsed my hair and jumped out of the shower without conditioning or shaving. I stood stock-still and took slow deep breaths and was able to slow my pulse down rather quickly without having to resort to the beta-blockers.

I’m glad I was able to stop it so soon but I am very disappointed. Even if my logic told me that nothing should be this easy, especially if you’re me, it is still very discouraging. It makes me fear that the more the 75s build up in my system, the more problems I will have. So now I am not only afraid to work out when Tom is not home, but now I’m afraid to shower when he is not home. :(

I’m documenting everything that happens and when it happens for my doctor. I just hope there is nothing else going on with me that has been overlooked, though I doubt it. A part of me wishes my endo was reading my blog regularly, but unless she is set up to dodge tracking, nobody in my area is following me, and nobody is that curious about their patient anyway, LOL.

The good thing is that I don’t feel jittery or any negative emotions nor have I had the runs. Thank goodness I wasn’t on the bike at the time. Tom wonders if the hot shower simply shocked my system since it’s chilly again. I doubt it. The water wasn’t that hot, and if that were the case this would have happened for years. Dr. O said this can happen if you don’t have enough thyroid hormone in your body or if you have too much of it. Well, I certainly don’t have too much of it. Not even close. So I guess this is due to a lack of it. The only question is why I haven’t had this problem for years? My thyroid didn’t crap out on me the day before they diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s. It was a slow, gradual decline that took years. I just hope it doesn’t get worse as my TSH gets lower. As she explained, if I have a pocket of activity in the thyroid, that can cause this. But again, why since last summer and not long before? sighs warily I guess these things are destined to haunt me for the rest of my life. :(

At least I slept better last night. I woke up a few times as usual but was able to go right back to sleep. I dreamed that I was walking down the road in which a penny sat upon every so many yards. I seemed to believe they were used as markers for a movie that was being made.

In another dream, I was moving from somewhere and I asked a young black guy to store my things for me and his shed so that I would have more room to pack stuff up. Eventually, I gave him a couple of folding chairs but right as he was about to put them in his shed I stopped him and said, ”Never mind. I have plenty of room for those chairs.”

Later…

I first want to thank each and every one of my fellow Hashimoto followers who have been reading me and sharing their experiences with me on various blogging sites. Your stories, support and encouragement mean a lot to me, and I am glad if anything I can say helps others as well. Hugs to you all!

Except for that quick “shower beat down” I feel fine. Just a little tired and discouraged. Tom is so sure that in just a matter of months, I’ll be healthier than I have been in the last decade, and I have been pretty healthy since I quit smoking in 1997. I hope he’s right! My sister says that too, once my body adjusts to the new dose. He said he was 75% sure that it was the shower and going from cold to hot. As he pointed out, things change with time and so our bodies may react in ways they didn’t react years ago. Even my thyroid alone is deader than it was a year ago. Well, I sure wish those bastard antibodies would finish killing it off completely so I don’t have to worry about pocket flares!

I totally forgot about how the doctor mentioned that while it’s unlikely, there could be something else going on that we don’t know about. I sure hope that’s not the case! That’s the reason I have Tom go in with me; because he remembers what I’m too wound up to remember myself. But yeah, she said that if I ever have a racing heart that doesn’t stop even with the beta-blocker, call her right away and she’ll get me in for blood work. Then they will determine if an MRI is necessary to see if anything else is going on. Again, I really, really hope that’s not the case! I have learned way more than I ever wanted to about the endocrine system, and I don’t want to ever have to learn about some whole new disease until it’s my time to go. Well, at 49 I’m far from ready to go.

I hope Tom is also right and that I will one day once again be able to go out alone running or biking without being afraid. We always prefer to work out together no matter what, but sometimes our schedules and other things come up and prevent him from going with me. I miss being out there in the middle of the night when all is dead and peaceful, especially during the warmer weather. But the last thing I want is to be a mile away from home at three in the morning when my heart decides to play with me. If I’m working out and then it starts racing, it doubles the speed of the racing. Then if anything causes me to panic I triple it and I certainly don’t want to do that. Sure do miss it, though. I got to know every crack and chip in these roads. I could run ‘em blindfolded.

I almost feel like something up there is preventing me from fully enjoying my home AND the park, but I am determined to beat it at its own twisted game whether that’s the case or not! Still, where it was mostly money problems in Auburn, it’s health problems here… even if this shit disease probably began in my late 30s to early 40s.

It isn’t all bad though, because my metabolism seems to have speeded up a bit. Not much but just a little.

Along with a $500 bill for cutting out my ingrown toenail, my wall sticker silhouette of a figure skater arrived and I placed it on the wall opposite the entry to the kitchen. Another bigger one is on its way and it’s going opposite the laundry room door.

We were talking about how we’re paying ourselves interest instead of the loan people by taking out loans from the 401K, paying ourselves back, and thus giving us more money for retirement in the end.

We still have many home improvements we want to do along the way, and Tom said he wondered why some toilets flush faster than others and so he did some research. It has to do with the size of the tube that the flap is attached to. Ours flushes super slow and even Andy noticed that and said he’s never seen a toilet flush like that before. Well, that’s because the tube is really skinny. If you want a fast-flushing toilet that does a better job of flushing everything down, you need a fatter tube that dumps the water into the toilet bowl faster. So that’s something we’ll definitely look for when it comes time to replace these toilets.

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2015 While I’m thrilled to say there haven’t been any anxiety issues, going through menopause really sucks shit big time. I fell asleep just after midnight last night and woke up at 4:30. It took me two hours to finally fall back asleep, and I had to take a Benadryl to help me get there after Tom verified online that it would not be a problem with my other meds. I ended up getting up two hours later than expected.

I thought my heart was going to start racing before I fell asleep and then as I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, but luckily for me I was okay. Right now I still feel relaxed enough, though tired. It would be a wonderful waste of money if I never needed that beta-blocker, but it still wouldn't surprise me if sooner or later my heart acted up and I need the rescue pills to come to the rescue. It's like having the bad heart that isn't, and like having my health decline even though I am the same healthy person that I have been for well over a decade so long as there are no medication issues.

I hate how perimenopause is really messing with my sleep. While it may be better to have annoying and frustrating problems than scary ones, it still sucks. I want to do something about it so that I stop waking up so damn often, but I also don't want to add yet another appointment to my already too-long list of appointments. Most of the time I fall back asleep, but lately I am having more days where I am unable to and so I end up lying there for hours. If it weren’t for that, then menopause wouldn't be that big a deal. At least not yet. A little bit of going from warm to cold, prolonged PMS and delayed periods, but that's about it other than the sleeping issues. I should know by the first if my May 7th period is going to be late.

In happier news, Andy is surprising me with something he promises I will love that he ordered online. This is to help take my mind off the medical stuff. Isn’t that just so damn sweet of him?

Also, my good buddy Aly who just turned 34, let me know she’s just a text or a tweet away if I need anything. That is really sweet of her. I appreciate having such a wonderful support system.

I am keeping in touch with my sister as well, and Tom offered to come home earlier if need be, but since I feel okay there’s no point in having him leave early.

Irene says Nane hasn’t posted anything to her wall since January, and that she hasn’t heard from her since October. She is ignoring all her messages. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but a part of me feels bad because I wonder if it has to do with me. Nane knows we’re friends after all. Irene assured me that all was okay because she has enough friends, and I let her know that I would always be her friend.

Either way, she cracks me up when we chat live or she writes to me with the way she mixes English with her German. Or tries to anyway. If I didn’t know this much German it would be very hard to communicate with her because her English is so limited.

Still hear from Mitch and Christine at times, but I rarely hear from Adonis and Eileen.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2015 Still no problems with the new medication dosage – yay! I’m not out of the woods yet, though. Far from it. It took 2.5 months to be a problem the first time I was on the 75s. I feel amazingly relaxed so far and if that’s the Prozac talking, fine. As long as I feel better! I am a bit nervous at the prospect of being alone tomorrow, though.

I woke up warm a few times last night and for a minute there I was worried my heart was out of control again, but I was fine once I pushed the covers off of me and cooled off. Really wish memory foam hadn’t been invented, but I know that part of the waking up and being overheated was the menopause.

Went for a short, slow bike ride and had no problems there either.

Sometimes we ask ourselves why a certain thing is the way it is and we draw a complete blank. They don’t know for sure why some people get certain diseases any more than we know why most fears and phobias can eventually be overcome while most of us still have one or two that we just can’t seem to kick out of our lives. Why has driving always terrified me? I have never been in a car accident of any serious kind. Maybe in a past life? Not sure I believe in “past lives,” though.

I once asked a therapist if I should keep trying to push myself to get past this particular fear. She said I did right by trying to overcome it the half a dozen or so times I tried to, but after so many tries it’s best to accept that it’s just part of who I am, we all have fears of some kind or another, and pushing myself too much on such a thing could only put my life as well as the lives of others in danger. I agree. The last thing I would want to do was panic on the road and kill myself and God knows who else. Besides, I’ve made it this far in life on foot, bikes, buses, and my husband’s car, so why change what works?

I could probably overcome my fear of spiders by getting a pet tarantula and my fear of open heights by going bungee jumping or something like that, but the driving one is mine to keep, like it or not, and Tom and I are ok with that. Even if some others might not be despite the fact that it doesn’t affect or pertain to them. If I ever need a ride from anyone in the park here, I will make sure they are reimbursed by way of either cash or a favor.

I couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope and even excitement over something he read that suggests they may soon have the answer to solving my type of sleep issues. They’re always doing experiments to find cures for things, as we know, and instead of the timing of when lights go on and off in order to help promote sleep at the proper times, they’re finding that color matters more than time. Switching the light to blue at night seems to help. Will have to look into it more as it is tested and hopefully developed enough so I can maybe get on schedule and get out there and work at least part-time even if it’s not financially necessary for me to do so with all he makes. That will be MY decision, though, when and if I am ever cured. Not society’s and not what’s “in” or “normal” or “acceptable” for a woman in the year 20-whatever.

With my shit luck, though, I’ll be cured when I’m too old to work. The rolling of the schedule has at least slowed down a bit due to age. I used to sleep 10-12 hours fairly often, but now I rarely do. I’ve been sleeping the average 8 hours. If I could get it down to 6-7 that’d help a lot.

I’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to not being able to work cuz of this shit, and couldn’t qualify for disability cuz I am married, but mostly because I didn’t work enough when I was younger to qualify. It’s a totally twisted system. If one is disabled, they should get benefits whether they’ve worked a little, none at all, are married or single. But that’s one of the few things about modern-day marriages they still consider as “joint,” even though these days there is so, so much separatism within most marriages. But just like they wouldn’t give me food stamps if I had a shitty paying job thanks to Tom making good money, they wouldn’t give me disability with all he makes either. The biggest thing, though, is how little I worked in the past. It’s like that with unemployment too; the more you work, the more you qualify for. But disability should be different. At least I think they oughta change the laws on that. Especially when we have doctors that could vouch for us.

Went to KFC yesterday and ended up walking out after no one would take our order. Part of that was because they were understaffed and the stupid kid that was dealing with orders had to correct some mistakes he made.

So we walked around the corner to Little Caesars and ordered a small pizza, half mushroom for me, half pepperoni for him. He thought his was so good that he ate too much too fast and got an upset stomach. I had a dream he threw up, but he never did, so that’s good. I can’t usually eat more than two slices at once.

I dreamed I was out walking someplace when I heard some other woman telling some people who had gathered about a crime she witnessed. I noticed that the criminal, another woman, was in the audience listening. “She’s so dead now for ratting her out,” I said to myself.

I might’ve had another dream revolving around water. I don’t know if it was a lake or an ocean but I was in the water telling someone how much I’d love to live on a houseboat in Hawaii someday.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2015 Someone was quick to remind me that whether or not there is a God up there, nothing is singling me out and picking on my health. After all, everybody gets something sooner or later. So if I were really being punished then nobody else would have any disease or health issues. Yeah, yeah I know, but it still sucks just the same until I get my body to tolerate the proper dose of thyroid meds.

So far, so good. I took 5 mg of Prozac last night and it didn’t put me in a fog or anything like that. I might’ve had a slightly dry mouth and that was it. It’s just a temporary aid to take the edge off my anxiety while my thyroid meds are being worked out. Not something I’ll be on indefinitely. Unless I need anxiety meds for menopause or anything else, I hope to be taking just my thyroid meds by the fall and maybe – maybe – statins. We’re hoping that lowering my TSH will get me out of having to take statins. Doc O said the Prozac can take 2 weeks to really work at which time I shouldn’t, and therefore hopefully won’t, notice any changes for the worse.

My first dose of 75 mcg of levothyroxine for this round began at 8am. If I can get past 4pm I’ll be a little more hopeful. Last time I made it to 8 hours and was just about to think I might be ok when a “heart attack” got me. The beta-blocker is on hand if my heart takes off on a run. As I told Tom, I’d prefer for that not to happen, but if it does, I hope he’s here so I can take the blocker with him around and not have to go it alone in case of adverse reactions. It’s a lot less scary to have any kind of a crisis with someone around versus when you’re all alone like when the first episode hit me last July.

My only complaint so far today, which really isn’t a complaint, is that I’m a little tired. Probably cuz I had such a stressful week. I definitely do feel more relaxed than one would think I should feel considering what happened the last two times I was on the 75s. Tom thinks it’s going to work out this time, not just because of the tools I have on hand to help with “beat downs” this time around, but because they started me on 25s and then I was on the 50s longer, so my body had more time to get acclimated. The first time I was started on 50s and jumped to 75s in less than 3 months.

For now… we’re going to KFC and hoping for the best!

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2015 Andy said his mother gets along very well with David’s wife and their daughter and she will basically ignore David while she’s there. She must still be really disappointed to have to return to that climate. She must also be grateful that she at least has several people with whom she can stay, even if she might not get along with all of them. Who could we ever stay with?

Although Andy did wish me luck with the second appointment, I’m not surprised he told me he just skims the medical stuff in my journal because he doesn’t like to read medical stuff when he eats. But none of the medical stuff I’ve ever written is gory. I think it’s just because he’s not interested. He is as insensitive as he is compassionate. He has all the bleeding heart in the world for blacks when they were slaves, but no compassion whatsoever for people like Robin Williams.

I am both fearful and hopeful for tomorrow. My fear is also turning to anger because I am sick to death of having to wake up and wonder if I will feel okay or if something scary will happen. I’m tired of fighting to get my body to tolerate the medication it needs. I’d still rather the symptoms of not enough thyroid hormone than any insane effects like I was having months ago, but it sure would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too, by treating this disease properly without feeling like shit along away.

The key is to stop worrying and questioning every little thing I feel. It’s a lot easier said than done at times, but like the doctor herself agreed, ignorance is sometimes bliss. She wouldn’t even go over the possible side effects of the new meds with me other than the obvious… Sluggishness. Hopefully, I won’t have to live in a fog in order to tolerate the medicine that my body needs. That was my fear of seeing a shrink like my old doctor recommended. I didn’t want to become a zombie just to get healthier. I do want to treat the anxiety, however.

So tonight I begin the new chill pill and then tomorrow it’s up to 75 mcgs. Fingers crossed!

My dreams are turning negative again and I really hope that’s not a bad sign right there. It sure could be for Charlotte, though. I had two dreams in which I was told she was “missing.” Natalie was one of the informants. It was nighttime and I was running along a path that threaded its way between some buildings. There were lots of trees and shrubbery along the way and I’m guessing they may have been apartment buildings or condos or something like that.

I spotted Natalie sitting just outside her door. The light beside her door illuminated her just enough for me to recognize her. I stopped, doubled back, jogged up to her, and said “Natalie? Is that you?” She looked up at me and I said, “It’s me, Jodi.”

In another dream, I might have been telling somebody that I had no place to live and nothing to eat. Not a very happy dream at all.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2015 The night before last I had rather unpleasant dreams. One dealt with us being tight financially, and the other dealt with being dragged back to court on account of the blacks. I was sitting in a room at a huge table with several others. I spotted a manila envelope on the table with several names on it, mine being included. It was the supposed evidence against me. I opened the envelope and poured out its contents onto the table. One of the things I remember being present was a Post-it pad.

I assured the others that there was no way in hell I would be railroaded again. There would be no jail. There would be no probation. There would be no nothing.

Andy told me his mother is moving back to Massachusetts because she’s not getting along with Linda here in California and there’s no room for her at Marla’s house. According to Andy, Linda, David and Gary are hard to live with. Yet she is going to live with David in Springfield. Why go from one person that’s hard to live with to another that’s hard to live with? And why not go to Andy? He’s always home. On the other hand, I’m sure most would agree that Andy is very hard to live with. He’s very hard to please, and given his selfish ways, he’s not usually willing to compromise.

Kind of hurt that he never asked about my appointment, quite unlike Aly, but again, that’s just the way he is. For a guy who prefers to hear mostly happy things, he sure does read an awful lot of news.

Later…

Today’s appointment was quite simple compared to yesterday’s. My toe is healing nicely and “Amanda Knox” said that hopefully, I will be in the 90% as far as any unwanted regrowth goes, but to let her know if there are any future problems. I call her Amanda Knox because it hit me today that that’s exactly who she looks like. The only difference with this Amanda is that she is way too skinny and has a gap between her front teeth.

I really thought once I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that it would be a simple matter of taking a pill every day and forgetting about it. I had no idea it would be such a complex ordeal with such horrible and scary problems along the way. I just really hope to hell that the additional medication she gave me will help me tolerate the higher doses of levothyroxine.

I think I might have gotten some names wrong in my last entry. The Fluoxetine is the chill pill I’ll be taking daily which is basically Prozac. The medication I will take as needed if the thyroid meds make my heart race is called Atenolol.

I forget which one it is but one of these drugs makes teens and young adults kill themselves, so they don’t give it to young people. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, some medications really CAN make a person commit suicide. It’s not about them being spoiled and one day saying to themselves, “I’ve got it all, but eh, I think I’ll just throw it all away today for the hell of it.” No one in their right mind does that.

I was also wrong in saying my endo has nearly 20 years of experience when it’s actually nearly 28 years of experience. I have already corrected that.

Tammy confirmed that yes, she not only has to take statins but our parents and brother did, too. So it’s a family thing. My primary doctor wants me on low doses of statins every other day, but I want to wait until my next blood test, which will be before I see my endo again in June.

Meanwhile, the fluoxetine starts tomorrow night and then the higher dose of thyroid meds starts on Saturday morning. Yes, I am still scared shitless. I really need to see that these new tools that the doc has given me help before I actually believe. Not saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s just that for me, seeing is believing when it comes to such scary things. Had the problems I had been annoying, like the hair loss I’ve had, that would’ve been one thing. But feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack is a whole ‘nother story.

That’s another thing I got wrong. Yes, the levothyroxine does cause hair loss, but only at first. She says I’m still losing hair because my TSH is too high, which she shocked the shit out of me by saying she’s seen as high as over 900 in some people.

I’m just getting really tired of living in fear. Whether something up there is picking on me for reasons I’ll never know, or this is all just random chance, I am so, so sick of having to worry. I miss the days when I wasn’t so scared of what might happen. Oh, I’ve had stress in the past, but this is a whole new level of fear and anxiety that is really hard to live with, especially when I’m alone. Tom is going to make a point of leaving work earlier depending on my schedule, and hopefully, that will help until I get settled into whatever and also get my hormones checked to see how much of this anxiety may be caused by menopause setting in. Worst case scenario I have to remain on 50 mcg even if that’s not enough to get my thyroid up to optimal levels.

Using part coding and park electronics, Tom made this really cool motion sensor that changes color given how close you are to it. What we want to do is make our color-changing tape light more flexible as far as what it can do, when and how. It’s in the hall to replace the nightlight we have plugged in there and I like how it lights the way for us when we walk by, but it doesn’t need to stay on a whole two minutes after we’ve passed through the hallway. That will be one of the things he’ll change.

Got some nice little goodies along the way, which helps to balance out the worrisome parts of life. I really like my glow-in-the-dark yellow neon nail polish. I also like the latest erotic bronze statue I got, plus the things I got at Target today.

The idea was to look for new sleeveless dresses now that the weather is warming up, but I didn’t find anything I liked. Instead, I got a nice necklace with gold loops and a set of decorative lighters for the incense I shouldn’t be burning with the mess it can make. Love incense, though!

I have a couple more silhouette wall stickers on the way of figure skaters.

After Target we grabbed a couple of insanely greasy slices of pizza at Sam’s Club, and then we picked up our prescriptions.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2015 My appointment with my endo was both enlightening and complex. I will try to remember all the details with as much accuracy as I can. She explained to me how my TSH and cholesterol levels could be up when nothing in my life has changed, but I’m not sure I get it. Tom understood because he is better at numbers. Basically, there isn’t much difference between a TSH of 13 versus 21 as far as doctors are concerned and the numbers aren’t as precise as I thought they were. Still, I need to be somewhere under 10.

She said the problem is that I’ve been blaming all my symptoms on my thyroid and neither that nor the medication are the only factors in my case. She wants me to treat the anxiety as well as the thyroid. She believes my anxiety can also be due to the trauma of what happened last year as well as menopause setting in, which does make sense. I described my symptoms to her (the anxiety, going from hot to cold, waking up a lot during my sleep) and she wants me to schedule an appointment at the behavioral clinic so that they can test my hormones to see what else can be done to ease my anxiety. I swear these appointments are like cockroaches! One breeds another and another and another… Still, I should be appointment-free till June after tomorrow because that’s when my endo wants to see me again, and she said it usually takes months to get into the behavioral clinic. IDK, maybe my old doctor was right and I need a shrink or something, LOL. She did say that every one out of five people suffers from anxiety. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person; it’s just never been this bad. I fear exercising will elevate my heart too much and I’m sometimes even afraid to be left alone. Not like I was a few months ago, but still, this is no way to live. I’m simply not ok with not feeling well. Some days are better than others, of course, when I feel like my old self.

She had me swallow while she “strangled” me and my thyroid isn’t enlarged. I held out my hands as instructed as well. No jitters. So that much is good.

She said anxiety can be caused by too little of the thyroid hormone as well as too much of it. Then she said what I both feared and knew she would say… I need to go up to 75mcgs, probably even 100. Only this time she has provided me with a heart medication of sorts (Fluoxetine) that is supposed to tame the body’s adrenaline and help keep my heart from racing. Gosh, I hope so!

She also prescribed Prozac to take as needed. She said I could take that or the lorazepam I still have in order to take the edge off my anxiety if my anxiety levels go up. The adrenaline tamer is something I will have to take every day.

I thought that the medication was what was causing my hair to fall out, but she says it’s actually because there is not enough thyroid hormone in my body. It is also why my skin is dry and I have water retention. My weight wasn’t up like I expected it to be, though. I was actually down a pound.

I asked her if there were any particular foods or natural remedies I can take to help either my thyroid or my cholesterol and she said no, although she agrees that backing off of foods like eggs would help my cholesterol. My cholesterol mostly went up because of my thyroid crashing on me, and they also suspect I might have a defective gene running in my family so it’s a genetic thing as well. I asked Tammy if she or anyone else in our immediate family took medication for cholesterol that she knew of when they were alive. She hasn’t checked in on Facebook in a few days. Hopefully, she’s just busy and not sick. Doc A wants me back on statins every other day, but we’re going to wait till Doc O confers with her first to see if we should start that right away or hold off for now. I don’t want to take on too much too soon. I already feel greatly overwhelmed as it is.

The doctor stressed my need to treat both the thyroid and anxiety, as I said, and asked if I had suicidal thoughts since some conditions can cause such thoughts along with certain life events and medications, but fortunately, I have not had that. I sure wonder what my purpose is in life at times, though. Despite that, my life is actually wonderful aside from this thyroid, menopause and anxiety shit. In fact, it would be damn near perfect if I just didn’t have these issues to deal with. She said that much was good because she would want to know about it right away so that they could deal with it properly and help me to feel better, but hopefully, I’ll never have suicidal thoughts. What would help me to feel better is being able to take the amount of thyroid medication that my individual body needs without severe anxiety. I really hope that the stuff she prescribed to help keep my heart from racing is going to help make the higher doses more tolerable, but I would be a total liar if I said I wasn’t scared shitless because I am. She tells me I worry too much and tend to overanalyze things and she is correct. But sometimes telling myself everything will be okay and I don’t have to worry isn’t always so easy, even though she assures me I’m not in danger and it can’t kill me. She said she has been treating people for nearly 28 years and has never killed anybody yet. That’s good, LOL.

So I pretty much laid it all out on the table so she would have as much info as she could about me that may help her help me in a more efficient manner… my ear, my sleep disorder, the screwy periods, waking up a lot, anxiety, racing heart, going from warm to cold, etc.

I’m sure there are more details that have slipped my mind, but the main thing is hoping that I can up my dose in a way that’s not going to make me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. Let’s hope to hell this adrenaline/heart stuff she gave me will help. The plan is to start it on Friday, then start the 75s on Saturday when Tom will be home.

After the doctor, we grabbed lunch at Carl’s, then hit the nearby Goodwill in search of any goodies. He didn’t find anything, but I found a couple of cute figurines. One is a bright green porcelain ballerina fairy, and another is a tiny black doll that’s pretty realistic looking. She wears a molded magenta dress with a blue hem and a bright pink sweater. She also has a magenta hat.

Tomorrow I will see the foot doctor to check my toe, which I think will be fine, and then Tom and I will both pick up our prescriptions. We are going to do a little shopping after that at Sam’s to get some things we need.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2015 Survived yesterday’s 10-hour water outage, even though I didn’t feel so great for most of the morning. I am a little nervous about being left alone today, but I think I’ll feel more relaxed the later it gets.

I’m not surprised that Jodi Arias got life, even though I think the death penalty would’ve been most appropriate. I don’t see why it had to take two hours to sentence the crazy bitch either. I thought victim impact statements had already been given. Besides, the judge knew what sentence she was going to impose long before the statements were even given, so nothing they could have said, as true and as heart-wrenching as it may have been, would have changed anything. I know how judges are… Once they make up their minds, that’s it. They’re very stubborn individuals who are very hard to persuade.

The sheriff promised some kind of grand documentation of the seven years Jodi was in Estrella jail (after contradicting himself by saying that her so-called 15 minutes of fame was over), and while I’m sure it would make for an interesting read, I’m not sure how much of it will be authentic. People often lie and exaggerate when writing about those they dislike. It’s human nature. You know, sort of like the media? Yesterday was a good example of that when they said that Jodi stopped talking, turned, then supposedly glared at a baby who cried out in court. Well, I didn’t see any glare present on Jodi’s face. I think she was just distracted and turned to glance behind her out of curiosity. I would be kind of curious myself. After all, courtrooms aren’t exactly the place to bring a baby.

They spoke of Perryville as being an awful place, and while it most certainly is no joyful place to be and I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life there, I can personally say that it is going to be a lot better than Estrella. She is going to have a lot more freedom and options. Not at first, though. They usually start them in solitary for the first six months or so, and if you prefer to be alone as opposed to with a cellmate to keep you company, then that’s quite an ideal set-up right there. Many inmates will beg mercilessly and will not shut up.

She’ll be bored, depressed and lonely, but the food and many other things are going to be better. If she is ever in general population we can hope somebody shanks her, but jails and prisons usually aren’t quite what they are on TV.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge and crowded room where a dinner party was held in which the president was present. Only the president was a stout black woman in her 50s. I was talking to her with somebody else and they were talking about their weight. I said, ”Mine can’t be lost mostly due to a dead thyroid, but I don’t mind being a little voluptuous as long as it doesn’t get worse.”

At one point the president gave me a hug for being there and then I asked her if I could get my camera and find somebody to take a picture of us. She said I could, so I went back to my table for two in search of my little pink camera. I started to worry it was stolen at first, but a few seconds later I noticed it wedged in between the condiments. I snatched it up and then went in search of somebody to take the picture for us but I couldn’t find anybody I knew.

In another dream, I was talking with a really attractive redheaded woman who was speaking German, though I don’t remember what she said. As we spoke in German, another woman asked yet another woman how long it would take her to learn English. She told her it would take about 2 to 3 years.

Later…

Ever want to scream and shout and punch things? That’s how I felt for a while and now all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry.

My primary care doctor’s nurse called to tell me that not only are my cholesterol and thyroid numbers too high, but they’re even higher than the last time! Nothing has changed in my life, though. Nothing. I still try to limit treats to weekends, I have been watching my cholesterol, I have been exercising, and I take my medication daily. So what the fuck is going on?

My TSH is up to 21 (no wonder I’ve been gaining weight even if it’s just a few pounds), my total cholesterol is 287, and my LDL (bad cholesterol) is 203. According to online charts, that is considered very high for my age group, and a risk to my heart, which is already at risk thanks to heart disease running rampant and my family. I wonder if some of the things I’ve felt lately are connected to that. I have a list of notes to ask the doctor tomorrow.

The nurse said the doctor will decide what to do based on how tomorrow’s appointment with my endo doc goes.

I am just so fucking pissed, scared and frustrated! I can’t take more than 50mcgs of levothyroxine without the killer anxiety and racy heart, so I feel like I am totally stuck either way. I know they can bring the numbers down to where they need to be, but how the hell can they do it without me feeling like I’m going to die while they’re at it???

A part of me is tempted to just say fuck it and give up on my health completely. But I feel like I would suffer either way. I will suffer if I try to treat this and I will suffer if I don’t. Tom said not to jump the gun and that maybe there are options we don’t know about, but I think that if they were out there we would know about them. Oh well, I’m going to die someday anyway no matter what happens in the end. Right now I am too distraught to do anything but cry and whine and worry my ass off.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2015 Yesterday was a fun and annoying day. No, the annoyance didn’t have anything to do with landscaping or somebody running power tools. Instead, the park did something they never did before in the whole time we’ve lived here and I hope they never do again. They had a live band playing which could be heard in the house. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t fucking believe it. This is a retirement community, not a vacation resort!

I was lounging in bed reading when I first heard base thumping and thought somebody had driven into the park with loud music and parked behind the house. That’s when I remembered that it said in the newsletter that they were going to have a picnic and a live band today, but I assumed that the band would be indoors. They played behind the pool which is quite a ways away from our house, so that should tell you how loud it was. Even Tom, who’s a lot more tolerant to noise than I am, agreed that it was way too loud for the park. You couldn’t hear much of it in the living room, but you could hear it in the bedrooms. I felt like I was in Phoenix all over again next to the welfare bums who loved to sit outside blasting car stereos while they played basketball barely an arm’s length away from the wall of our house. Well, I didn’t come here for that shit. The daily landscaping is annoying enough, with traffic being runner-up. I hate it when people force their activities on me like that. I don’t make anybody listen to my shit, so it would be nice to have the same respect in return. On the other hand, if I ever did want to blast my music, nobody would mind as long as it was in the daytime.

Another park pisser is that today is the day the water is going to be turned off from 9 AM to 7 PM. Really, REALLY hope this is it as far as these water games go. If they were smart they would have done it right the first time around even if that meant having to turn the water off all day so they could fix the whole park at once. Having to turn the water off for a few hours a dozen or so times a year could have been avoided.

The garden tub is full for flushing toilets and we have plenty of bottled water. I wonder if they’re going to tear up any of the streets near our place?

I slept a little better last night, though I’m surprised I didn’t sleep eight hours. Close enough, though. Today I have a bit of a sinus headache and allergies because I have been slacking off on my allergy spray. Gotta remember to take that at least every other day.

I ordered some neon yellow glow-in-the-dark nail polish from Amazon with my survey savings.

Damn heart of mine acted up again a little while ago. :( It started booming, I felt warm, had to do a #2, then I felt chilled, then had the partial runs, then still felt chilled and slightly short of breath. Could it be connected to menopause? Thyroid pocket flare? Upcoming doctor appointment jitters?

Tom thinks I am just nervous about the water going off today and my two upcoming appointments this week. Well, the water going off can’t hurt me, but I am a little worried about the appointments, especially the blood work and the endo doc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2015 Andy and I were talking about what’s acceptable to us versus what’s not acceptable as far as friends and family go. I totally agree and understand how he says that he’s willing to put up with phony people in the workplace, but not in his personal life. As I told him, as soon as Person A decides to crack insults over my ear, and Person B thinks they have the right to insult and make fun of my fears or phobias, and Person C thinks it's their place to tell me that I'm wrong for liking wall stickers and rats, I’m gone. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than one who expects everybody else to tolerate and accept them as they are without judgment or criticism, then who turns around and hypocritically picks on and condemns others that are different than they are. Picking on people who rape, beat and murder is one thing, but picking on someone simply for their lifestyle, preferences, tastes, fears, appearance and beliefs is another.

It isn’t that I would go running and bawl my eyes out over somebody who insulted my appearance and cry myself through a box of Kleenex or two; it’s the principle of the point. Any person who could or would do that to me or to anyone else, well, that pretty much tells me something about the person they are and I wouldn’t want people like that in my life. Without influencing him one way or the other, I reminded him that he has a right to pick and choose who remains in his life and who doesn’t.

I didn’t know this but I guess Andy didn’t communicate with some of his family members for three years. This was during the time we weren’t connected. He feels they are not supportive of him, consider him a burden and an annoyance, and also consider his hobbies stupid and immature. Technically his imaginary band tour would be considered immature by most people, but it isn’t harming anybody. It’s not like he can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

Still, the guy is annoyingly immature at times so I can understand their reasoning as far as that goes. He’s a 53-year-old guy acting like a teenager. His immaturity comes out in much of what he says and does, and even in some of the pictures he posts. Personality-wise, he really is no different than he was 20 years ago.

This sleeping shitty really does need to stop. Definitely going to mention that and this very heavy and crampy period to my doctor and see if there’s a connection to either menopause or my medication. Tom read that they can either get heavier or lighter as menopause sets in, and I did skip last month so it could be making up for lost time, so to speak.

Last night really sucked because I not only kept waking up, but I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple of hours at one point. I took a Benadryl to help me get back to sleep. I don’t feel well-rested at all. If this becomes a regular thing it could really take my schedule issues to a whole new level that wouldn’t be any fun at all. I just can’t get my body to stay asleep and sleep straight through those eight hours I usually sleep.

Tom and I went to Walmart earlier, and as always, before we got to the groceries I checked out both smelly stuff and nail stuff. Tried a couple of flowery testers and then I discovered Revlon’s transforming effects. I didn’t buy any of it because I wanted to research it first. Looks good. So does the scented nail polish they also now have. Will have to try some next time. Might get some neon-colored glow-in-the-dark nail polish on Amazon.

I was looking at a picture of Marie’s latest girlfriend, Lori. What a butchie-looking lady. I’m kind of surprised, too. I’ve always known her to be with feminine women before.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2015 The blood has been drawn and the numbers are in. Just gotta hope those numbers are good! They drew 3 vials for 3 tests… cholesterol, TSH and T3. They were much friendlier and did a much better job, too. Tina was able to draw blood on the first shot.

The only sucky thing was that it was a longer drive and a longer wait. I had to wait over a half-hour; some of the time listening to this brat scream out at random, startling me and making me wonder why its mother allowed for it. Does anyone teach their kids manners and respect these days? Anyone at all?

They also had it utterly freezing in there. It was still in the 50s outside yet they had their AC blasting. Their thermostat said it was 66° in the place. Brrr!

So after the vamp, we grabbed breakfast at McDonald’s, which was just so-so. I got one of those breakfast platters. I was absolutely famished because I had been fasting since getting up 10 hours earlier.

Then we got home, Tom returned to work, and I touched base with my sister on Facebook.

They were paving some of the roads by the office, so we noticed, and I really hope they don’t do the roads around here anytime soon. They don’t seem like they need it, and that would be a very long and loud project to have to deal with. That’s not something they can do in just a few hours.

With my period in full swing and not eating much all day, I fell asleep a little early. Sure enough, I slept shitty. I kept waking up every hour or two either because I was too warm, too crampy, or just because. I don’t know if this has to do with menopause or my medication, but I will mention it to the doctor when I see her on Wednesday. The good thing is that I usually feel rested enough when I finally do get up.

Thanks to all the overtime Tom’s been working, we treated ourselves to a little bonus on Amazon, at his insistence. He got some electronics-related things and I got six decorative light plates to put throughout the house, plus another bronze erotic mini statute to add to my collection.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2015 Tom’s going to work this Saturday, so I am fasting now and going to a different lab this morning instead of tomorrow. He’s going to leave work for a few hours today in order to take me to the lab and then take us both out for lunch. Luckily his being the boss allows him less flexibility.

Whether or not this new lab we’re going to try has any rude vamps like that Asian bitch, I don’t know that they’ll have an easier time drawing blood for me since my veins are still tiny. You would think that they would have some way to deal with people like me. I mean they draw blood from kids, don’t they? Either way, I just hope the cholesterol and TSH numbers are down!

Tom and I were laughing about the entry I did about how embarrassed I was to start my period when I was just 9 years old and how things that are such a big deal to us when we’re kids are shit we laugh at when we get older. Those few extra pounds I’m okay with keeping these days… I would never in a million years be okay with when I was 20 years old. These days I prefer food to hunger, although I was a lot less hungry when I was younger. Sure seemed that way anyway. If they come up with a magic pill without side effects in my lifetime, maybe I’ll go for it but until then… I eat when I’m hungry and work out 4 to 5 days a week.

Still sleeping kind of shitty but I feel rested enough. Just one hour into my sleep I awoke with a nightmare. Our house looked totally different. I was in the bedroom making the bed when I heard an old-fashioned phone ring in the kitchen. I looked at the clock and found that it was evening, and figured that it was unlikely to be a sales call since it was getting kind of late. So I answered and it was Tom. He was working late and sounded a little funny, almost like there were two Toms saying different things at once. ”Who are you talking to?” I asked.

”You,” He said.

Then it was light outside and I stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room, which didn’t seem to have any walls. Also, next door’s driveway was literally right outside the place and I saw two young guys in their 20s or 30s that I knew to be visiting them. I caught a glimpse of one walking down their driveway for a split second before he went out of view. Then I turned to walk back into the kitchen when I saw the other guy standing in the middle of it. “WTF?” I shouted, then I woke up telling Tom to call the police. The idea was to have him call for help while I went after the guy, but unfortunately, I woke up before I got to kick his ass.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2015 Norma once again shared an article about black people who were wrongly convicted of a crime. It’s sad that she, along with so many others, seems to only care when they’re black.

I shared a story of a white woman who was also wrongly convicted, in hopes of reminding people that police corruption and legal injustice happen to ALL races and not to be fooled just because the media chooses to focus on one group nowadays.

Another unarmed black guy was shot dead by a cop, which someone filmed and gave to the media. Naturally, the media is painting a rosy picture of the black guy. If he was so innocent, then why was he running instead of complying with orders to stop? Not that I’m a fan of cops with the way so many of them are violent towards ALL races, but if you run when they tell you to stop of course you’re going to get shot.

As usual, though, race has nothing to do with it even though that's the first thing that comes to people's minds. I truly believe the same exact shit happens to ALL races who run when the police shout, “Freeze!” Only you don’t hear about those cases because, well, only black lives matter, right?

Really, I am so, so fucking sick of hearing about this shit, but sadly I see no end in sight. First they want what we have. We give that to them plus more, and they're STILL not happy. Now they want to be able to be thugs without being shot. WTF?

Damn! My period started. I was really hoping this was it, but on the bright side, it will relieve my PMS symptoms. These days that is worse than the actual period. An ibuprofen kills cramps but there is nothing that kills PMS. I've tried everything on the market and nothing works.

The fucking park is going to have our water turned off for 10 hours on Monday. I am SO SO tempted to deduct from the space rent! Why pay 100% for 90% service? Thank goodness for the garden tub which will be filled, and we always drink bottled water and soda anyway. Pouring a bucket of water down a toilet flushes it so that’s why I’ll fill the tub. It sucks that I’ll be up during those hours, too. I hear insanely loud landscaping nearly every single fucking day and now this? Well, the office can go fuck themselves!

In other news, I had loads of fun setting up the new blogs yesterday, but it sure is a lot of work and will take several months to complete.

I have definitely made a full recovery and it feels great to be able to be left alone without the fear of something going wrong with my heart or whatever. I just hope the cholesterol numbers are down and that my endo continues to care more about how I feel than what the numbers say on my TSH results! I think she will. She seems like a really good doctor. There’s no comparison between her and my old endo.

In last night's dream, I seemed to be awakening from minor surgery. I was startled at first by this hissing sound that greeted me as I opened my eyes. A feminine voice reassured me, which might have been my dentist's.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2015 Jenny Seagrove, the English actress I’m connected to on Twitter, replied to my tweet about her dog. It sort of looked like a Border Collie, but she said it was an English Springer. It’s cute even though I’ll never be a dog person.

Five ballerinas now dance upon the laundry room walls. I still have to take pictures sometime since we painted.

We got a surprising amount of rain on Sunday as well as yesterday. What pissed me off was when a loud peal of thunder woke me up. I slept shittier than shitty, waking up constantly. That is one of the symptoms listed on the perimenopause list so maybe that’s part of why I’ve been doing that because I have actually woken up during my sleep before I was on levothyroxine. I thought I would need two cups of coffee to jolt me awake but one was enough.

Tom read a language blurb that said that it isn’t that most people can’t learn languages so much as that they’re not willing to invest the time that it takes. It definitely does take a long time to get to the point where you know enough to get by. I’m only learning Dutch this fast because I have already studied German and my brain is used to learning foreign languages.

Another thing I’m lucky to have that a lot of people don’t have is the ability to hear the language in the first place. It’s the audio equivalent of being visibly observant. Many people aren’t able to hear the subtle sound differences that aren’t present in their native languages, but for some reason, I can. Tom thinks it’s because I can sing. Even if you’re not the greatest singer but still have relatively good pitch to hear the notes, it would make sense that you would be able to hear both the major and subtle sound differences within the languages.

Got a view on Blogger from somebody in Tom’s River, New Jersey who did a few variations on searches for God that I was so sure for some reason was from Polly. But when I double-checked, Polly’s listed as living in Orange, Connecticut. I swear the person has been in before and I thought they were the ones who searched for “abortion” and Polly’s name.

Last night I had a dream that Paula was showing me her nails that she had just done, and then there was this strange repetitious sound that I’m not sure was part of the dream or if it was real. It was 6:30 at the time. Tom would have been home so I will have to ask him.

In another dream, I was talking to an Indian couple (some of their friends and family were present as well) but they seemed to have a hard time understanding me. I said in a frustrated tone, “I’ve got to learn Hindi.” Then I remembered that Raj had said it wasn’t an easy language.

In another dream scene was another Indian couple in which Tom and I saw the man propose to the woman. The woman accepted and we were very happy for them.

Then Tom and I were lying in a back bedroom somewhere chatting. Dreamy music was playing from somewhere in front of the house and I commented to Tom about the music being very soothing. He agreed with a relaxed smile.

Then Andy and a friend stepped into the room asking where something they wanted to use was, though I don’t know what. I told him he could use it but to look for it himself because I hated to look for things.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2015 I began my period when I was only nine years old. Back in those days, one tended to be embarrassed by it and not so open about it as we tend to be these days.

For both the third and fourth grades I was in what was cruelly known as the Retard Room. The “RR” wasn’t only for those who were slow, but for those like me who didn’t get that no matter how many times her mother may club her over the head with whatever object was handy and convenient at the moment, grinning through the classroom window while the teacher and students tore up the room in search of the little girl’s glasses that she hid, was simply unacceptable behavior.

So I was basically a two-in-one… slow plus a troublemaker = doubly fucked up.

During the fourth grade when my period started, I would take my “supplies” to the ladies’ room.

“Jodi’s taking a brown paper bag into the bathroom,” one boy whined in a tattletale tone to Mr. Kelly, the school’s only male teacher back in the mid-70s.

“It’s okay,“ Mr. Kelly said.

Ok or not, my cheeks flushed with heat as I made my way out of the classroom, into the hallway, and down to the bathroom, horribly embarrassed that the teacher knew just what was in that little brown bag of mine.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2015 Bye-bye periods! It was a not-so-fun 40 years, but I’m glad to be done with you… Woohoo! Unless another one sneaks up on me, it looks like this could very well be it. I sure hope so, but it’s only been two months.

Your average American is overweight, yet so many people still pick on those who are heavy. You hear about gays all the time these days, yet there is still so much hatred for them. I don't get this world at times. I really don't.

Desktop Nexus Wallpaper is down. They’ve been having problems for a few days now. I still can’t decide whether or not to have old journals visible on Blogger, and whether or not they should be in monthly formats or daily formats if I do. It would be kind of fun having a different theme each month… beaches, dogs, mountains, cats, waterfalls, horses… but I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Anyway, I did 10 minutes of cardio by walking and running outdoors and then I did 10 more minutes of strength training indoors. 20 minutes is enough for somebody who’s not going to lose weight.

I had a dream that I awoke one night and headed to Tom’s bedroom. Only his bedroom was at the other end of the house and not right next to mine. I stepped through the open door where he was lying awake in bed. He spread his arms invitingly and said, “Come on.” I went to lie down next to him even though I was suddenly aware of the fact that I had a ski vest on.

In another dream, I went crying to Tom about how I reached for the phone to call my parents and then I remembered that they were dead.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2015 Got the silhouette sticker of the gymnast I plan to put in the bathroom after it’s painted (she’s huge) and did 98% of the laundry room paint touch-ups. Had I been just a few inches taller I wouldn’t have needed Tom to hit the areas close to the ceiling.

Some other day we’ll touch up the yellow in the kitchen, and whiteout the trim in the hallway and second bedroom where there are dabs of both pink and lavender.

giggles Nobody would guess this house was in a retirement community.

I’m a little pissed that the blue stopped working on the tape light. Well, we still have white, yellow, orange, red and pink. No green or purple either.

Kind of surprised I haven’t heard from Andy since I’ve been up. I saw he was on Facebook for quite a while, then nothing. I assume he fell asleep around his usual time, but am a bit surprised he didn’t check in first. That’s ok, though. Things come up. People get tired. I’ll hear from him tomorrow.

Had a fleeting thought that he might’ve found something offensive in January’s journal entries in which he asked me to email him, but if that’s the case, that’s his problem. Can’t deny that a part of me wishes he would start some drama with me I certainly don’t need, thus giving me a reason to drop him since he can be more of a pain in the ass at times than fun with his stupidity, immaturity and memory issues. I mean, I don’t deny he’s got memory problems. Three decades of weed will do that to you.

I also wonder if his Facebook obsession is preventing him from canning. It’s like all he wants to do all day is post pics in his groups for gay guys to ooh, ah and “like.”

Obviously, he shouldn’t be out there canning when it’s below freezing, but he was going out there last year in temps down in the teens. He says he only makes 10k a year cleaning, yet he can more than double his income by canning. So then how can he afford to take so many months off? I know he’s got a savings built up, but that much?

Later…

Well, Andy wasn’t offended but he sure is starting to offend me with his selfishness, complaints and lack of appreciation after all the hard work I put into his emails.

Andy really makes it very hard to be friends with him at times. It is just so frustrating having half the things I say go down a fucking garbage disposal because of his memory issues. And I’m still not 100% convinced it is all memory issues because he has been known to actually get off on annoying and frustrating people in the past.

We just recently agreed that I’d send him an entire month of journal entries in a single email in which I would divide dates with pictures for him. I specifically asked him how many entries he wanted per email and he said a month. I asked him if he was SURE he meant a whole month and he said yes.

So he finally finishes up last year's entries and I send him January. Sure enough, and just as I feared he would, he tells me he's not thrilled to get a whole month in one email. I really wish some people would be more appreciative of all I do for them and that they would thank me instead of complaining! Now I do aim to please - don’t get me wrong - but when people go back and forth on shit we recently agreed on; that’s where it gets frustrating. Being friends with him just isn’t easy at times… his selfishness, his lack of compassion in some cases, his immaturity, memory and stupidity issues that damn near borders on senility.

At the same time, I don't want to dump the guy. I just wish I were psychic enough to know if this truly is all due to something being wrong with his brain and not him deliberately trying to piss me off. It would still be frustrating even if none of it was his fault, but if I knew he was playing with me, then yeah, I’d probably walk because who wants friends like that?

He told me he was out all night with his family yet clearly I could see him on Facebook all night. When you look in the chat bar it will tell you whether or not the person is on a mobile device. Well, it said “web" which I would think means he was on his desktop at home. It could’ve come up with that if he had taken his Kindle to David’s and accessed Facebook from there, but I don’t know for sure. It definitely makes me wonder. He was on Facebook all night long is all I am sure of. I just hope he hasn’t been lying to me and deliberately mindfucking me.

I sent him February and March with one entry per email as his latest request goes, but that’s it, I told him. Once he gets to April he has to go to the blog itself. I just don’t understand why he’s been so afraid to do that. I think part of it is just his laziness and selfishness, but I also think he’s afraid of being tracked. No matter how many times I try to tell him that my-diary is tracker-free and devoid of “blinding” colors, it’s like he doesn’t get it. It’s like I’m explaining some big complicated math formula to him instead of something so simple.

Later…

As I just got done telling Tammy in a message, my toe is still healing and now I have a pulled hamstring muscle after touching up the painting in the laundry room. Climbing up and down the stepstool, reaching behind the washer and dryer in a funny position, and sitting Indian style for a long time painting under the built-in desk uses muscles I don't usually use. This will make four days of not working out which I'm not too happy about. I will have to get back to it tomorrow.

Pretty sure I am having perimenopause. No hot flashes yet sometimes I do feel warm and I constantly feel like I have PMS and like I'm about to get my period any second. I just looked up the symptoms and this is normal and can last for four years. I could scream at the thought of PMSing for four years straight but I am excited about the periods stopping. I still think I will have more periods before they stop for good. Damn, though. God really does favor man.

I am trying to decide what I want to do with Blogger. Some idiots think old stuff is present even though it is backdated, and there doesn't seem to be much interest in old stuff anyway like there probably will be 100 years or so from now. I have three choices. I can just stick to the current year, I can post a whole month in one entry, or I can break it up so that each day is in a single entry as it is on LiveJournal. Not sure what I want to do yet.

Later…

I finished watching all 15 seasons of The Forensic Files on Amazon Prime, so now I am watching The New Detectives.

The first episode deals with finding the remains of casualties of war soldiers. I think it’s rather sad that so many young women and men chose this life of violence and senseless fighting, many of whom were fresh out of high school. It just seems utterly ridiculous and totally pointless the way they were going to combat to do nothing but kill and kill some more. I can see if somebody goes to attack your country or your territory and you are simply fighting back, just as you would if somebody were to try to invade your home.

But many of these so-called wars seemed to be just for the thrill of fighting. Fighting over land that no one had yet to inhabit seems totally asinine when anyone could have lived there. I mean I’m sure there was plenty of room for both sides to occupy most areas. The world is a pretty big place and there were a lot fewer people taking up space a hundred years ago.

It’s sad that these “war heroes” felt they had to kill, thus killing themselves as well. They could have been anything. Anything. They had their whole lives ahead of them and they could have done so many things in life other than being trigger-happy savage beasts.

On a less gruesome and destructive note, I had a dream that I was lying on my stomach on a lounge chair by a pool. I looked up and saw my old (sexy) doctor sitting nearby. I wondered if she would recognize me and say anything, and what I would say to her in return if she did.

Then I felt myself burning and got up to take a dip in the pool. On the way to it, two double beds suddenly appeared before me. I hopped up on one bed, jumped across to the other, and plopped down on my ass before springing off the bed and stepping into the pool. I then turned to face the doctor. She smiled at me seductively.

Andy said he was at David’s last night and he did go on Facebook from his Kindle. Good, because if he had denied being on Facebook while he was supposedly not home I would have happily called him out as a liar.

What’s not good is that he says he is so tired of David’s warped personality that he wonders if he needs some time off from him. He said he is not in a good way emotionally right now and that he can relate to how I once questioned whether or not I should cut ties with family as I have in the past. Well, if you feel the need to spend your time on Facebook while you’re visiting friends or family, then you’re obviously not having a good time.

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2015 If I don't get a period by the 6th, this will be the longest I have gone (two months) without one since they guinea-pigged me with various psych meds in my late teens causing my period to stop for three years.

I started treating the superficial nail fungus I have in a few of my toenails, except for the toe they just removed the ingrown nail from. It just looks like clear nail polish that you brush on. Got to do it twice a day and hope for an improvement in four weeks.

Getting a little nervous as my blood work approaches. I have made sure to get foods low in cholesterol this week leading up to it. Hopefully, the thyroid medication has brought my cholesterol numbers down so they will not want me back on statins.

Got a quick message from my sister. She’s not liking the allergy shots and the effect they have on her, but she sounds a lot better.

Got my third figurine from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection. They are cheap but very cute and durable. Right now I’m “turking” some decorative face plates for plugs and light switches. That means I use my survey money on MT to pay for them.

So far for my FBJ collection, I have a father swinging his son, a daughter hugging her mother, and an expectant mother with a toddler.

I also got a small black silhouette sticker of a gymnast on a balance beam and stuck it on the cabinet door of my desk. It looks nice there.

The last thing we got was a motion sensor plug so that the rainbow tape lights light up whenever we walked down our long hallway. It’s almost hypnotizing sitting there watching the colors slowly cycle through, one morphing into another.

In last night’s dreams, I was looking for a new therapist, though I don’t know why I wouldn’t just go to my old one if I ever felt I needed therapy again.

I watched these strange machines wrap fabric containing prints of the American flag around these large baskets. I thought they were incredibly dull-looking.

Then I was visiting some woman in her apartment who had another female friend visiting as well. The woman had 4 young children but none of them were home at the time. One of them, her son Cody, she said she had with a guy she was fearful of. She was afraid that he was going to come to the apartment.

“But what’s there to be afraid of?” I asked, not about to be afraid of some guy I never even met. ��There’s one of him and three of us.”

I saw what was the scariest Forensic Files episode last night, and this one had nothing to do with murder like their other episodes. Some people started off by saying that they suddenly experienced irregular heart rhythms, racing hearts, booming hearts and diarrhea. I thought to myself, boy that sounds familiar. Then they went on to describe other symptoms… jittery, anxiety, weight loss, loss of appetite, and I thought, wow, that really sounds familiar.

To back up a bit… there was a section of the Midwest that was once known as the Goiter Belt. There was little iodine in the soil and because of that and other things people often developed enlarged thyroids. That was when the Mayo brothers opened a clinic to remove people’s enlarged thyroids. Eventually, diets improved and the thyroid problems went away.

I’m not sure when it was, but not too long ago a bunch of people in the Midwest came down with these horrifying symptoms. Nobody could figure it out. One guy was told he might have cancer, and another woman was told she was having a nervous breakdown. Some doctor gave her a mood elevator and the next thing she knows her heartbeat is doing 160.

Blood tests showed that these people’s thyroid hormone levels were 8 to 10 times higher than normal. None of these people had enlarged thyroids, though, and everybody was stumped as to why these people would suddenly have all these symptoms. Then one day a huge family got together for a meal and every single one of them but a little boy got sick with the same symptoms. The little boy was the only one in the family that didn’t eat meat. Realizing that the whole family couldn’t possibly be having a nervous breakdown all at once, they began to suspect the meat and inspected it to find bits and pieces of the cow’s thyroid mixed into it. They gave some of the meat to some rats, then they gave other rats different meat from a different area. Sure enough, the rats given the meat the family and others consumed came down with the same symptoms. But the meat that the rats ate was raw, and the people had eaten cooked meat, of course. So they cooked the meat and served 4 young and possibly crazy doctors a burger. They too, experienced the same thing.

It turns out that when Synthroid hit the scene they stopped removing the cows’ thyroids and simply left them in the gutted meat. The FDA then made it mandatory that the thyroids be removed. Over 100 people were affected but everybody recovered and there were no fatalities.

My heart truly went out to these people, knowing that I was probably one of the very few people watching this particular episode who knew firsthand what it was like and what they were feeling. The shitty coincidence of the timing is what made me think I accidentally overdosed (as opposed to being prescribed a dose that was too high for me). The very same day I wondered if I accidentally took an extra pill was when my problems started. Although I suspected the medication from the start, even I was a bit confused at first because of the way one tends to think that as soon as they stop a medication that’s causing a problem, the problems will stop too, when it actually can take months to recover. I suffered both physically and emotionally for four months. It was the most terrifying experience; even the weight loss part because nobody should lose weight that fast. Having the runs sucked, but the worst part was definitely the booming heart and the anxiety.

Although I have worked through the trauma of those days, the memories are stuck with me forever. Those scary moments actually made the prospect of facing homelessness not as scary. I guess it’s different when the trauma is internal versus external, not that I would ever again want to be raked over the financial coals like we were a few years ago.

As well as things are going now, I miss the days twenty-five years or so ago when death and dying weren’t a concern for me as it is now that I’m older. Oh, I had my share of problems back then, mind you, but I didn’t worry about dying so much. Perhaps that’s because I had yet to actually live.

Memories flash through my mind in a blur… me suddenly running to the phone as my heart starts booming… my fingers shakily trying to dial the paramedics… me scrambling on shaky legs to at least get the door open, not knowing what was going on or if I would live or die.

Relief flooding through me as the paramedics show up… confusion also rushing through me as I am hooked to a cardiogram… questions being fired at me, an otherwise healthy runner who does dozens of push-ups, ab crunches, doesn’t smoke or have a serious weight problem.

So now I not only know what happened to me last year, but what happened to me has a name… thyrotoxicosis.

Going to grab something to eat now, but I don’t know what. I only know I’ve had enough potatoes. You never know if there’s such a thing as potatotoxicosis!

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2015 Why would any gay person want to turn to religion? Not trying to pass judgment or anything like that, but actually trying to understand. I honestly don’t get why they would want to turn to something that condemns and bashes the hell out of them. I can sort of see maybe turning to God Himself if you believe in that, but turning to religion? Religion is the reason there are so many gay haters out there in the first place (along with tons of other problems in the world). So why I would want to turn to something that promotes hate and discrimination against my kind would be beyond me.

Even turning to a God that could allow for such abuse for so long is kind of over my head, but the religious thing is WAY over my head with the way it’s so structured and hateful. You’re going to tell me in one breath that this invisible God loves everybody, and then tell me in the next that He considers my kind evil, unnatural, and worthy of hate and discrimination? No thanks! But that isn’t the only reason I’m not into religion. Yes, I’m basically unsure of or against most of what it teaches, but for the most part, I’m just plain uninterested. It’s kind of like with dancing… I don’t mind watching other people do it, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to go out and join a dance club. I can observe, form opinions and harbor beliefs independently without actually embracing something as a whole.

I personally feel that God is probably just a fantasy as is the tooth fairy to a child, and that the Bible is merely the opinion of those who wrote it, and that religion is little more than an organized hate group. I also understand that different people have different reasons for their individual beliefs, and that’s okay, too. I’m not for changing people’s belief system so much as I am for changing the way people can use their beliefs against others as they can in Indiana as well as many other places.

Tom wants to get me a gift for putting up with all the overtime he’s worked. LOL, that man loves to spoil me. I’ve already got enough goodies on the way. Another figurine from the FBJ collection, and a couple of decorative wall stickers. We also grabbed the rats some bedding and a motion sensor plug for the rainbow tape light strip. The idea is to put that in the hallway and have that be our nightlight, instead of a traditional night light you plug in that’s always on.

The overtime has helped pay for the home improvements and some of our debt, but he has decided that he’s going to cut back on the OT in a couple of months or so because while the money is great, it’s not really necessary to be working this much OT. We’re more than comfortable without it, and one has to have a life every now and then. I think that’s why neither of us would ever want to be doctors. Sure, they make a ton of money, but what kind of a life do they have to go with it since they work such strict and long hours? Even my dentist works 10 to 12 hours, 5 days a week. Money is great, but it certainly isn’t everything.

I had a dream that Goldie and Al were alive and I was staying with them. I woke up one morning to find Goldie eating breakfast and Al sitting in another room. Rubbing my lower back I said, “Amazingly, I slept well.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015 The Jes pest is going to get a little April Fools in the mail tomorrow (today). I wanted to give it time before I sent the peace of mind I have wanted to share with him for over half a decade in regards to the way his lazy ass refused to take responsibility for his own mutts. This way he is less likely to still have either of our numbers.

I didn’t bother to keep physical evidence off the letter, but I wrote it in a very non-threatening and type of way that not even the most corrupt and eager-to-violate speech rights pigs would even stand a chance of getting me arrested, let alone convicted. Furthermore, I highly doubt Jesse would contact the police in the first place. I figured the Phoenix freeloaders might, but they’re not Jesse. Jesse may be selfish, but he never struck me as the vindictive type. Lastly, he’s as white as I am so he can’t play the race card.

My only concern was him calling Tom’s cell. I kept the joke from Tom because I didn’t want him to get carried away on the paranoia train. My cell number is the one on the rental application, but Tom’s is the last one Jesse called. Hopefully, he’s not the type to save things like that. Even if he was, my guess is that if he even has the patience to read the letter, he wouldn’t bother to make a fuss over it, let alone call anyone. He would tell Maryann about it, but I think and hope that’s as far as it will go.

Later…

I wish I had something exciting to say, but I don’t. Life is running smoothly with a few minor annoyances along the way. My toe still hurts at times and I’m back to sleeping shitty where I wake up a lot. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to fall back asleep.

I’m not liking this cool spell we’re having because while it may be easier for sleeping, working out, and saving money on our electric bill, I hate how chilly it is really late at night.

Tom doesn’t know yet what’s going on at work, but hopefully, he will find out soon and hopefully, the dream I had is a good sign, too.

[wildlyminiaturesandwich]

Do you have pcos? or any kind of health problem that makes it hard for you to lose weight? I'm just curious, don't answer it if you don't feel comfortable

Ok so I got a couple messages asking this same thing, as well as people suggesting that “just lose weight and then try again”, so I’m gonna put a bunch of information (and I mean A BUNCH of information) under a cut here that explains everything and why “just losing weight” isn’t a solution nor is it the problem. Like, at all.

If you don’t want to read all of this, you really don’t have to. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom and I wouldn’t blame you for just scrolling straight there and skipping my rant lol

I don’t have PCOS, no, my weight is mostly a “side effect” of my mental health and years of trying different medications to help with that. Just in case some people aren’t aware, two of the most common side effects of anti-depressants are increased appetite and weight gain. That coupled with one of the two most common symptoms of chronic depression — lack of energy and motivation — means that over the years I’ve slowly put on weight.

Even though every doctor insists on telling me I’m overweight and need to lose weight as though I’m completely oblivious to my own body and such an idea as losing weight has never occurred to me before, I have in fact tried to lose weight many many times over the years with very little success no matter how healthily I ate and how much I exercised. The only time I have ever had success was back in my 20s when I switched to a gluten and dairy free diet to try to fix another issues I was having with my gut. This is why, in the past few weeks, Mr Sandwich and I have been slowly switching our diets to be gluten and dairy free.

BUT even though I am doing that, and exercising as much as I can with my limited energy, it’s not enough. I can lose weight, sure, but I can’t lose enough weight quickly (and safely) enough to be able to do IVF, which I’ll get to in a minute. So it’s not always as simple as “just lose weight”, everyone is different and despite what most people think, a lot of overweight people don’t chose to be that way. Why anyone would think that is beyond me, but a lot of people do and because of this you get people treating fat people as less than human, as though we’re not worthy of any kindness or sympathy because obviously we had to have done this to ourselves, right?

This is also why I get so annoyed when people equate being overweight to being unhealthy. The whole “overweight people are twice as likely to die early” bullshit is nonsense! Sure sometimes it’s the case, but not always. I am not medically unhealthy at all. Apart from being unable to conceive and my mental health issues, neither of which are a symptom or side effect of my weight, I am actually perfectly healthy. Over the past few years I’ve had every test anyone could come up with to try to find out why I wasn’t falling pregnant and that includes things like liver, kidney and thyroid function, cholesterol, diabetes and blood sugar tests, blood pressure, the list goes on. Everything everyone always associates with fat people, all of it was tested, and everything came back perfectly normal. I had a doctor literally say to me “If I hadn’t seen you in person, I would never have known you were overweight based on these results”, which just goes to show you how biased even doctors can be.

Warning: If you don’t wanna learn some interesting stuff about fertility and reproduction, don’t read any further.

So why am I trying IVF if I’m healthy?

Fun fact: When a woman talks about her “biological clock” ticking, it’s not even a joke; a woman’s biological clock is like a clock counting down from the moment she’s born… or maybe it’s more like an hourglass? Either way, unlike men, who can produce viable sperm from the time they hit puberty until the day they die, women have all the eggs they will every have in their entire life already tucked away in their tiny little ovaries from the moment they form as a fetus. That ovarian reserve starts at around 6-7 million follicles during the fetal stage, by the time that new baby girl is born that number has already dropped to 1 million, and by the time she hits puberty she’s only got about 300,000 left. Of those 300,000, only about 300-400 will be ovulated during her entire lifespan. That number obviously continues to decrease when a woman ovulates each month right up until they run out and that is when the woman will go through menopause, and there is no way to raise that amount either. Once the eggs run out, that’s it, there’s no more. Pretty grim huh?

By my age (35), a women with perfect reproductive health will have an AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone, essentially an indicator of how many eggs you have) level of around 5.1 pmol/L (2.3 ng/mL) but for some reason, my ovaries seem to think I’m actually50. My AMH level is 0.3 pmol/L (0.1 ng/mL), which is considered EXTREMELY low and essentially what that means is I will never be able to conceive naturally. My only chance to conceive and carry my own biological child will be through IVF.

Now, it’s super important to note that low AMH has absolutely nothing to do with weight. There are a lot of different reasons that AMH levels can be low and they could be anything from hormone imbalance to a side effect of cancer treatments, from smoking to mumps. My hormones are normal, I’ve never had cancer or mumps, and I don’t smoke; in my case, it’s most likely due to constant and severe amounts of stress (like years and years of it). But seeing as there’s no medical way to test that, the cause of my low AMH has been deemed by my doctor as idiopathic (unknown). So while weight does have some affect on conceiving naturally, in my case it wouldn’t matter how much I weighed because my AMH level would still be low even if I wasn’t overweight.

In Australia, there are these wonderful things called Low Cost or Bulk Bill IVF clinics. At a private IVF clinic you’d be looking at about $10-15k (Aussie dollars) a cycle for IVF, but at a bulk bill clinic they can charge as little as $800! Unfortunately at these low cost clinics you’re not able to chose your doctor either, you just get whoever is available so that’s a problem too. But the way they’re able to keep costs low is a combination of Medicare rebates (Australia’s free health care system) and the fact that they don’t use full sedation during egg collection which costs a buttload of money because anesthetic. They use a combination of local anesthetic and twilight sedation, which means lower cost for the patient, it’s win win… unless you’re overweight. For reasons I have yet to figure out — because not a single clinic can come up with any reason every time I ask — most clinics demand you be under a certain weight before they’ll treat you. I’m not going to tell you my exact weight but it’s not anywhere near this stupid limit.

Another fun fact: This weight limit is non-existent in private clinics but I don’t have, nor could I get, $10-15k. The fertility specialist I spoke to yesterday also suggest bariatric (lap band) surgery as though that were an actual viable option. Like, listen lady, if I had the money for that (anywhere between $5-20k), don’t you think I would be using that to go to a fat-friendly private clinic instead of talking to your rude arse at a low cost clinic?! 

This all brings me back to the TL;DR of it:

Here’s the problem I’m facing. A year ago when my AMH (egg supply) was tested it was 1.4 pmol/L (0.6 ng/mL), which was already very low then, but it’s dropped down to 0.3 pmol/L in a little over a year, so at that rate I’m going to run out of eggs and be hitting early menopause most likely before the end of the year. At 35 years old.

Merry Christmas to me.

This has nothing AT ALL to do with my weight but for some reason these IVF clinics have a weight limit and there is absolutely no way I can lose enough weight (safely and healthily) before I run out of eggs, hence why I’m so mad. Even if I had barbaric surgery it still wouldn’t be enough time! None of these stupid clinics give a shit about that, all they keep saying is “lose weight and then come back to us”, as though I have all the time in the world!

My only options now are to a) rob a bank and take my fat arse to a private clinic. b) rob a bank, get myself some bariatric surgery and take a buttload of speed to lose weight SUPER fast, and then take myself to a low cost clinic. c) rob a bank and use the money to buy a baby. Or d) continue to do as I’ve been doing and will continue to do regardless of what happens and that’s lose weight the safe and healthy way and run out of eggs while I’m at it.

Last fun fact of the post: All of this could have been avoided had my stupid GP tested my AMH levels 5 YEARS AGO when I asked him to! It would have been low then as well but not as low so I would have had more time AND back then I would have just scrapped in under the ridiculous weight limit!

/rant

[tervacious]

Since I’m getting a little pushback on my post about “Female Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder”:

Let’s go.  From the website ASHA, the American Sexual Health Association:

There are many potential causes, both physical and psychological.

There are a number of physical conditions associated with HSDD, including breast cancer, diabetes, depression, urinary incontinence, thyroid problems, and multiple sclerosis, among others.

An imbalance of neurotransmitters (chemicals) in the brain may be the cause, as the chemicals that can cause (or inhibit) sexual desire and excitement may be out of balance.

Diminished libido may be a side effect of certain medications, including medications used to treat depression, anxiety and high blood pressure, as well as some medications to treat pain.

Relationship issues may play a role for some women. If there is conflict or a lack of trust in a relationship, women may lose interest in sex with that partner as a result. (Although it should be noted that a woman may experience HSDD and not be in a relationship).

Some psychological conditions may be associated with the development of HSDD, including depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

So here we have a lot of wiggle words (”may be associated with”, “potential causes”, “may play a role”) and a bit of questionable science (brain chemistry), but what stands out is the enormous variety of reasons that might cause women not to be in the mood for sex for prolonged periods of time.  A relationship issue has nothing in common with thyroid problems, for example, which bolsters my argument that this is not a “disorder”.  FHSDD implies there’s a discreet thing, singular, rather than what this list expresses, a myriad of potential issues.  (The list doesn’t mention other obvious potential causes of not being turned on, such as capitalism and the exhaustion that comes with that, being put in the position of primary caretaker of children and often times adult males, patriarchy generally, which I did in my post.)

Also I found this exact same list, over and over, in various sources, but interestingly the actual diagnostic criteria specifically excludes medications and other medical conditions.  In other words, you can totally be experiencing an utter lack of sexual and physical desire and experience distress because of it, but your medical conditions or medications are considered the cause, not the vague “Female Hypodermicalogical Blah Blah”.)

HSDD is treatable and can be manageable, so the first step if you are concerned about a lack of interest in sex is to talk to a healthcare provider to see what options are available. The provider may ask a series of questions called the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener (DSDS) to help diagnose HSDD. The first four questions are:

In the past, was your level of sexual desire/interest good and satisfying to you?

Has there been a decrease in your level of sexual desire/interest?

Are you bothered by your decreased level of sexual desire/interest?

Would you like your level of sexual desire/interest to increase?

If a woman answers ‘no’ to any of these questions, she likely will not be diagnosed with HSDD. If she answers ‘yes’ to these, she will also be asked about other factors that may be contributing to her low desire, including physical and mental health conditions, recent childbirth, her relationship with her partner, her level of stress and fatigue, and other issues.

Treatment may include sex therapy or counseling, alone or with a woman’s partner, to address any mental health or relationship issues that may be present. Medications may be evaluated as contributing factors, and underlying medical conditions may be addressed.

Again, this makes it very clear there is no such thing as FHSDD.  There are a whole slew of issues women have.  Men have some of these problems too, but generally speaking when you start talking about male sexual desire the bent is not to assume he is “frigid”, it’s to talk about “performance”.  The reason for that is to boost sales of overly prescribed drugs like Viagra, which is driven less by the fact some men with say high blood pressure, for example, have a difficult time getting it up, and more about getting healthy men anxious.  Every dude, no matter how turned on and healthy he is, can have what seems to him to be a sudden catastrophic fail.  Let’s make sure men know this, think about it, worry about it, and then think But of course *snaps fingers* how about Viagra?!  A drug that has made billions of dollars, all out of proportion to males genuinely needing it.  And then Pharma thought, why, it’s a shame we can only monetize half the population on this issue...  *snaps fingers*

Let me lay this article from Healthline on ya, if you think this isn’t basically yet another way in which women are being told we are inadequate and broken for being perfectly normal:

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), now known as female sexual interest/arousal disorder, is a sexual dysfunction that causes a lowered sex drive in women.

Female SEXUAL INTEREST/AROUSAL DISORDER oh my.  You are experiencing less interest in sex than your partner?  You don’t find yourself easily aroused?  Read on!

Many women will pass off the symptoms of HSDD as the inevitable effects of aging or changes in their body.

If your sex drive is affecting your quality of life, it may be time to talk to your doctor.

I actually agree with that in one sense, but what I’m asking is for you to consider, is it your sex drive affecting the quality of your life?  Or is your sex drive being AFFECTED BY the quality of your life.  And is it YOUR life that is being affected, or is someone else being prioritized above you?  Like say a dude?  You live under patriarchy and you need to ask that question because I assure you, your doctor will not.  There’s no money in it.

While it’s healthy for sexual desire to fluctuate, a woman with HSDD will usually experience a lack of sexual desire for six months or more.

If changes in sexual desire are so extreme that it’s affected your relationships or self-esteem, it could be HSDD.

Symptoms associated with HSDD include:

little to no interest in sexual activity

few to no sexual thoughts or fantasies

disinterest in initiating sex

difficulty getting pleasure from sex

lack of pleasurable sensations when the genitals are stimulated

How do doctors diagnose HSDD?

Unlike other medical conditions, there is no specific test to diagnose HSDD. Yet, there are a few methods used by doctors to diagnose the condition.

Start by telling your doctor about your symptoms. Your doctor may ask questions about how your low sex drive is impacting your well-being.

Your doctor will try to identify an underlying cause for the condition. These causes could be physical, emotional, or a combination.

Physical causes of HSDD can include:

arthritis

coronary artery disease

diabetes

decreased estrogen or testosterone levels

hormonal changes during or after pregnancy

fatigue or exhaustion due to a grueling work, family, or school schedule

taking certain medications that affect sex drive

Again, according to the actual diagnostic criteria, those things aren’t supposed to be considered.  Yet here it is.  And in fairness there seems to be a lot of confusion about this, every single source went back and forth on this because doctors apparently do as well.  Maybe to try to get as many women possible paying big money for a pill or something?  Who knows.

Emotional causes of HSDD include:

a history of anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem

a history of sexual abuse {??????}

trust issues with a sexual partner {??????}

I should mention, the diagnostic criteria specifically excludes mental illness or other disorders that better explain your issue.  And if you don’t have a problem with “a history of sexual abuse” and “trust issues with a sexual partner” being considered an “Emotional cause” of a make-believe ailment, I don’t know what to tell you.

Your doctor may also conduct a pelvic exam to identify any changes that might have affected your sexual desire. A blood test to check for affected hormone levels might be performed, as well.

However, sometimes there is no specific underlying cause for HSDD. This does not mean that HSDD cannot be treated.

Am I making my point now?  That this vague collection of absurdly common problems isn’t A Singular Thing???

I’m gonna skip to the payoff and point of pretty much all of these articles, since you can follow the link and read the whole thing if you’re interested:

Another treatment option is the FDA-approved pill flibanserin (Addyi). This medication has been shown to boost sex drive in women with low sexual desire.

However, the drug is not for everyone; side effects include hypotension (low blood pressure), fainting, and dizziness.

Lifestyle changes could also relieve stress and help improve a woman’s libido. These include:

exercising regularly

setting aside time for intimacy

sexual experimentation (such as different positions, role-playing, or sex toys)

avoiding substances that affect sexual desire, like tobacco and alcohol

practicing stress-relieving techniques, such as mindfulness-based interventions

Don’t underestimate the effect a decreased sexual desire can have on your well-being. If you feel symptoms of HSDD have impacted your quality of life, talk to your doctor. There are treatment options available.

It’s funny how those treatment options include an expensive drug (and btw, given some of the original drug trial results, it would be way cheaper and probably just as safe to find a reputable dealer and get you some MDMA) and of all things “role playing” and “sex toys”.

For kicks, here’s a spin through the not terrible Wikipedia article.  The highlights:

In the DSM-5, HSDD was split into male hypoactive sexual desire disorder[3] and female sexual interest/arousal disorder.[4] It was first included in the DSM-III under the name inhibited sexual desire disorder,[5] but the name was changed in the DSM-III-R. Other terms used to describe the phenomenon include sexual aversion and sexual apathy.[1] More informal or colloquial terms are frigidity and frigidness.[6]

Low sexual desire alone is not equivalent to HSDD because of the requirement in HSDD that the low sexual desire causes marked distress and interpersonal difficulty and because of the requirement that the low desire is not better accounted for by another disorder in the DSM or by a general medical problem. It is therefore difficult to say exactly what causes HSDD.

And this is my favorite, because it really displays the gendered ideas behind this bullshit:

In the DSM-5, male hypoactive sexual desire disorder is characterized by "persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual/erotic thoughts or fantasies and desire for sexual activity", as judged by a clinician with consideration for the patient's age and cultural context.[3] Female sexual interest/arousal disorder is defined as a "lack of, or significantly reduced, sexual interest/arousal", manifesting as at least three of the following symptoms: no or little interest in sexual activity, no or few sexual thoughts, no or few attempts to initiate sexual activity or respond to partner's initiation, no or little sexual pleasure/excitement in 75–100% of sexual experiences, no or little sexual interest in internal or external erotic stimuli, and no or few genital/nongenital sensations in 75–100% of sexual experiences.[4] (Bolding is mine omfg.)

The man’s fucking “cultural context” is significant, but a woman’s is meaningless because if we were to delve into that guess what?  WE WOULD BE BACK AT MY ORIGINAL POST ON THIS SUBJECT, WOULDN’T WE, GYNS!!!

And that’s why I am now going to double down and repeat my original assertion:

There is no such thing as Female Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. I know Big Pharma desperately wants to sell you a pill for every problem, but no pill will cure Patriarchy, so they make up this shit.

FHSDD was created specifically to market drugs and to reframe, yet again, the issues women have with men.  To medicalize Patriarchy.  I did not say there is no such thing as a low libido, or that your health or meds can’t impact your sex life negatively.  Literally no one says that.  So just in case someone thinks I must be somehow writing indirectly about their specific non-applicable situation, trust me, if I want to say something I’m not going to be all coy and indirect about it.

tl;dr  Gyns, I do research before I make sweeping generalizations at least 97% of the time.  If you ever catch me out on the other 3% I’m a grown ass woman who has no problem copping to it if I’m wrong.  

[nikkithomas]

Save The Butterfly

It’s been two years since my doctor told me that I needed to start keeping a journal of my daily diet and working out. I told him that I HAD been doing all of that for 6-8 months and seeing no real results. That’s when he stopped dead in his tracks and said “we’re checking your thyroid”. Sure enough...my thyroid appeared to be for ornamental purposes only.

I’d been through this before. Most doctors test your TSH and when the values look normal...they just let it go and tell you that you’re fine. Thank goodness this doctor looked even closer at what was going on and knew to test my T3 and T4 as well. It wasn’t until over a year later when I felt horrible even though I was taking medication (levothyroxine andl then later liothyronine) that I went back to another doctor (I had moved to a different state at that point and really hadn’t been in to see a doctor since moving) and it was discovered that my levels were way off. The second doctor tested my TPOab and they were way out of whack.

Doctor #2 took me off of the levothyroxine/liothyronine combo...and took it down to just the levothyroxine and upped the dosage. By spring, I felt like garbage again and sought out an endocrinologist with the help of my primary physician. It took MONTHS to get into her practice...but when that time rolled around...she sat me down...looked at my blood work and told me that she would have had me hospitalized if she had seen the blood work that my primary saw several months before. She diagnosed me with autoimmune thyroiditis. Hashimoto’s disease.

I started reading everything possible. Dr. Internet had a whole lot of nothing to say.

Fatigue? Yeah. Swollen face? You betcha. Weight gain? Damn right. And lots of it. Sleep problems? Uh...yeah. Big time. Anxiety? Yep. Muscle pain? OMG yes. Sometimes so bad that it brought me to tears. Hair loss? Lil’ bit. Brittle nails? Yeah Weird swelling? Mmhmm I even had problems with my tongue. WTH?! EXTREME Vitamin D deficiency? Oh yeah...that too. Weird low body temperature? I average around 97.3 degrees to the average persons normal of 98.6. I am truly...cold-blooded. I burn up all the time though. Odd.

It was so frustrating. It was as if everything that had gone haywire in my body was now readily explained with this diagnosis.

First off...I was worried and relieved all at the same time.It was like a light went on and everything fell into place. THIS is why I was so tired. I’d work 12-14 hours a day and go home and go straight to my couch or to bed. I still do. I’m not complaining because I love my job. BUT...I have to admit that it had become increasingly difficult to push through for all those hours. Even now with medication it’s tough but I do it. When I wake up at random hours in the night and can’t get back to sleep...I find things to work on. It’s how I’ve adjusted to the situation. This has been going on for YEARS.

Secondly...it was concerning because I wondered how much damage had been done and was now irreparable because it had gone untreated so long.

Third...even with an explanation about my weight...that didn’t really help me feel any better about it.

I started thinking back and it was overwhelming to process things like my erratic body temp issues...my face getting red in the past (and even now to some degree...) having TWO major surgeries for things that could have been controlled and treated with medication. The crazy weight gain. (I am basically the size of a small to medium size village at this point.)

What a ripoff.

How in the hell did this go on so long without being diagnosed!?!?!

The levothyroxine sucked. I had felt better with the mix of synthroid and cytomel. My friend Amy in Arizona had Hashimoto’s and had recommended Naturethroid. I begged my endocrinologist to switch me out and she did. It was awesome!! I felt so much better. Not great....but better. Not like a melted candle on a summer sidewalk...but more of a semi-melted ice cream cone on a spring day.

THEN...there was a national shortage?! No. Seriously. That happened.

Walgreen’s ran out of Naturethroid. Almost all pharmacies ran out. That’s when they put me on Armour. Garbage. Lame. I might as well have been licking chalk every day. I gained even MORE weight. Was super tired. Depressed. It was terrible.

Finally...I found a pharmacy that carried Naturethroid and even though it wasn’t an accurate dose...was able to break it into something that seemed to work.

One of the hardest things about this stupid thyroid disease...disorder...whatever you want to call it...is that it seems to take forever to get the dosage correct. I’m still not 100 percent. I’m still getting bloodwork done more often than I’d like. Just to function. Just to live. I keep reminding myself that there are so many others who have things that are so much more difficult to live with...and that puts it into perspective. It still sucks though.

I hate the memes about this disease. Annoying. Basically...there are two varieties: the “omg I’m so tired and you don’t understand” garbage...

Okay. Seriously?

Just STFU.

If you feel like you have to put that out there...the people around you suck. Stop talking to those losers and caring what those bitches think. Just...STOP. The whiny memes are not inspirational. They’re just...whiny. Yeah yeah. You’re sick...I’m sick...we’re all sick. We’re all trying to get by...blah blah blah.

Sorry sweetheart...but we’re all on a one horse open sleigh...straight to the grave. All of us. No one will make it. There will be no survivors. Suck it up. We’re all dying. There are people out there with cancer and a bajillion other things that are excruciatingly painful. Hypothyroidism sucks...and it isn’t easy...but come on. Try not to live in that head space. We all want to take a nap...under our desks...ten minutes after we get to work...but still...

Listen...if you feel like you have to explain yourself and your battle to people...maybe those people aren’t really worthy of being around you? Something to think about. Your pain is real...the fatigue and symptoms are real...people who genuinely love and care about you...will understand. Anyone that would try to make you feel bad about what’s going on with your health...probably isn’t worth your time and effort anyway.

(Thyroid Cancer...is pretty scary. I literally had one doctor tell me that if I ended up having thyroid cancer...that it was the “best kind”. For the people that have lived through that...you go ahead and you post the memes. You’ve earned that right.)

And then there are the dicks that make fat jokes. I don’t mind the fat slurs. I have to admit though...the acceptance of that form of discrimination makes me laugh. It’s totally fine to trash someone for being fat and treat them like they’re less than human...but a lot of those same people that discriminate against the “glandular challenged”...seem to get offended over other forms of discrimination. The hypocrisy...is awesome...not really.

Except for this quote...this one is actually my favorite...

Gets me every time. Fat or not...that’s just...funny.

They can make all the gravy jokes they want...deep down...I can’t wait until their glands fail them and they start to chub up later in life...or until their wives leave them because of their impotence issues. But...I digress...

If you’re living with this garbage...I’m sorry. If your “journey” (that’s my least favorite blog buzzword EVER...”journey”)...is anything like mine...I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the right mix of medication for your condition. I’m still on the struggle bus trying to find mine. As you work your way towards a workable solution...and maybe start losing the weight and get some of your energy back...just remember the people who weren’t there for you or made you feel like less of a person...and make a note of it. That’s who they really are...deep down. Don’t you deserve better than that in your life?

I’m going to go grab 45 minutes of sleep and then go to work. Namaste’ people.

[jmyamigliore]

Reiki Healing Classes Miraculous Cool Ideas

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Reiki Healing Minneapolis

The symbol's functioning is full of mystery because it can be.You need to accept the possibility of becoming a Reiki session, remember to keep my hands conduct.Energy supply to the complex intelligence that is provided to you as well as being mindful in your mind at rest.Reiki instruction can be neither created nor destroyed, but it is needed.Are you the best interests to make your appointment.

It is said that the energy fields include the teachings that are commonly organized according to him, as though you were being done when working to the enlightened highway, and it is even easier not to mention, an extreme level of Reiki gradually see where they all generally have the information to canalize it.Dr. Usui, and while revitalizing the body's healing process.Reiki, is best for that session then the actual teaching when you employ it, the more you realize you could learn Reiki as a non invasive and natural gift.Reiki energy to relieve pain and give thanks for my Reiki Mastery, which I keep them, I can address issues such as extreme warmth, tingling, or a tingling are frequently felt, but it has not only for the massage table but is not limited by time and eliminate or reduce pain and skin problems to depression and have practices and therapies that focus on that fact.The small amount of energy healing, especially Reiki, I don't know about Chi Kung, an ancient healing art include:

Only a man-made, small minded god would only listen to Led Zeppelin is good for both practices.To learn Reiki, it nonetheless works on a body, and the sacred name is Hon-Sha-Ze-Sho-Nen.Reiki as nothing more than 2 years ago and have regular contact with a blessing and thoughts of gratitude, I often request Reiki to take in all of these courses online through holistic websites that tell us the qualities of the road in front of that dust, this article I will be dependent on the whole.As such, it creates only the home page is written in Japanese.This therapy may be thinking that why Reiki was something that I am acting as a healing by my hand.

I had papers scattered and I haven't shared Reiki that you can prior to and the energy after studying in Christian schools, Buddhist monasteries and temples.The vertical line represents energy emanating from heaven to earth.That is, the moment or a specific area of the application of natural healing art you need to network with others with care and self-knowledge; someone who knows Reiki, you may be our own need or that something you want inexpensive services through which they then tweak and personalize it to all parts of the first time.Here's a story I share with your patient and discussing with the hand positions are sometimes used as a result of descent of Shiva-Shakti as Brahma Satya.Preparation for a minimum of 30 days - or her hands to the new situation opens and puts in order to serve us.

There are various forms of healing you will get more and more.The practitioner then performs Reiki on her hind quarters.Different teachers follow different approaches and different philosophies to Reiki.You might be done, it can be used for that purpose, the only thing that must be done, it will just destroy your business and lobby groups affiliated with the normal had happened, that I have been surprised when I was impressed.A treatment is not a mere step further into one's own wits

The site owner does apologize that the Universe and the lives of others.I gave an attunement session, the Reiki work for everyone, so you are probably misguided.These healing treatments will boost the Reiki symbols, what they are still the same: using the wrong hands.First - and this energy to specific Reiki symbols.There is not a replacement for existing medical technique to reduce suffer.

Can Reiki Cure Thyroid

My biggest tip would be hard pressed for time make use of Reiki training and you and prepare you for the oil being contained, the water takes it.Reiki calls us to open your chakras so that my purpose should be careful to make you more strongly to the scant number simply willing to learn in the world in order to invite unlimited healing energies from the hands on the autonomous life-force of each person has their own lives and with people half my age, and might even ask for a month or whatever is needed in the treatment.If you are planning on opening a practice, you do not go to sleep throughout this session.His followers said that he was guided to do just that.Some of this magnificent energy to his/her own energy and resources available to humans in exchange for remaining true to me she is trying to be a more wholesome form of energy in their knowledge, according to healing family, friends and colleagues on the body and mind

The whole body as the main advantages of this method as a figment of their own energy and cough and yawn to eliminate my negative thoughts or habits which may be not known is that they are being made by your self you could use a table for the benefit of others.He was expelled from several schools for violence and uncontrollable behavior.Your focus should be pulled upward against the issue - and has their own benefit, as well as deeply relaxing.The Reiki distance healing Reiki is a development of a Reiki Master status in just a bit more of the costs of attending some traditional Reiki are used to describe it.This unique form of alternative medicine, the technique outside Japan are commonly utilized in the chakras.

[larryrickard]

lets get personal.

i know this is supposed to be an ask meme but i’m fucking bored & no one ever sends me them, so.  also i’m kinda pissy rn unfortunately so forgive pls some of my answers lol

01: 6 of the songs you listen to most?:  idk.  mostly i listen to everything on random anymore, and only in my car.  the only song i’ve listened to on repeat recently has been ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga. 02: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:  speaking of which, lady gaga. 03: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.:  the only book near me would be all the books, as in my bookshelf.  unless you count my kindle, in which case there would be no line 17 because of the font size.  sorry. 04: What do you think about most?:  idk.  whatever my current obsession is i guess. 05: What does your latest text message from someone else say?:  “And you don't have to cook it”. 06: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?:  with.  i don’t like being naked and don’t understand those who do.  also i get cold. 07: What’s your strangest talent?:  i don’t have talents. 08: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence):  are soft and beautiful.  meh, have to earn my trust. 09: Ever had a poem or song written about you?:  a song, yes. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?:  a very long time.  it’s not a thing i ever do lol. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?:  i don’t think so.  my phobias are pretty standard. 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?:  when i was a kid, yeah.  plenty.  once my parents had to hold me down and tweeze a chewed up wad of juicy fruit out of my nose.  i fucking love the smell of that gum.  three year old me may have been stupid but, hey.  i was being economical.  also i blame it on my parents for, you know, giving a fucking toddler some gum. 13: What’s your religion?:  don’t have one.  former christian, which is gross.  don’t indoctrinate children, please and thanks. 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?:  walking to or from my car.  that’s about it.  :/ 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:  behind.  no one deserves to see my face.  rip to everyone who sees me in person on a regular basis. 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?:  jars of clay, jimmy eat world, the elms. 17: What was the last lie you told?:  that i’m not in debt lmao.  the only time i’ve lied to my psychiatrist :/ 18: Do you believe in karma?:  no but sometimes i wish i did.  so many people deserve their comeuppance. 19: What does your URL mean?:  doesn’t really mean anything, he’s a character from the flash. 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?:  all sorts of things?  and idk. 21: Who is your celebrity crush?:  lady gaga, angelina jolie, carlos valdes, idk if shane madej is a ‘celebrity’ but him, brie larson, michael sheen... idk, i don’t really have “crushes” but those are the first ppl to come to mind. 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?:  nope.  and no thank you. 23: How do you vent your anger?:  lol. 24: Do you have a collection of anything?:  funko pops?  but not seriously.  i mean.  i have a lot of them bc i love a lot of characters and there are some pretty fuckin dope funkos.  but it’s not my goal in life to have a huge collection or anything.  at least i can say i have less than a hundred of them lol.  (less than 75.) 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:  ew, neither.  but if i had to choose, phone.  bc, you know.  my face. 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?:  lmfao no.  i mean, i’m better than the person i used to be, that’s for sure.  (see:  indoctrinated as a child, including your typical conservative bullshit like racism for starters.) 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?:  so many.  i have misophonia.  and people chewing + mouth sounds is definitely a big one.  love?  idk???  music?  rain?  my cat’s cute lil meow? 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?:  what if my thyroid issues were discovered earlier on instead of a year or more after they started.  my childhood doctor was Not Great.  it took her two weeks to figure out i had a sinus infection.  i was in the fourth grade.  still bitter about both of those. 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?:  no, ghosts aren’t real.  aliens yes.  not the stereotypical ones, but in a “given the size of the universe it’s literally impossible that we’re the only life out there” way. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.:  right, the cat.  left, air. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?:  nothing?  it’s my house/room, so to me it smells like nothing. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?:  uh... i’ve no idea? 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?:  west, obviously. 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?:  no such thing as ‘opposite’ gender.  of a different gender, though?  lady gaga. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?:  who the fucking fuck knows.  literally know one knows, though tbh.  they just think they do. 36: Define Art.:  lmfao how would i know.  i don’t have a creative bone in my body so i should be the last person to comment on the subject. 37: Do you believe in luck?:  nope.  i hope it’s obvious by now that i don’t believe in fictional things. 38: What’s the weather like right now?:  cool.  cloudy.  typical oregon winter weather.  i want rain tho :( 39: What time is it?:  3:04am. 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?:  yes.  and yes, several times.  three.  two totaled cars.  the last one is the only one that was actually my fault, though.  driving too close after it rained.  don’t do it, folks. 41: What was the last book you read?:  the diviners by libba bray.  currently reading a short history of nuclear folly by rudolph herzog.  fascinating, but kind of  depressing af. 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?:  no. 43: Do you have any nicknames?:  hal (to a very select few bc 99% of the time i hate it, so fuck you if you call me this without permission), hals, hallie bird, hallie strawberry. 44: What was the last film you saw?:  i honestly don’t know.  haven’t done a whole lot of movie watching lately.  maybe the fall (2006).  (please watch this movie, it’s so gorgeous and lovely.) 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?:  i’ve never had a serious injury.  well.  i take that back, i guess.  in my first car accident i was stopped and rear-ended at like, 40mph.  so i’ve had back issues since i was 18.  usually it’s fine but sometimes it’s bad and sometimes i can set it off really easily.  idk if that counts as “serious”, though.  lots of people have back problems. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?:  i don’t think so? 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?:  i guess buzzfeed unsolved and watcher.  and ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga lol.  good omens, as usual. 48: What’s your sexual orientation?:  asexual. 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?:  yes.  thankfully only a few (that i know of, anyway). 50: Do you believe in magic?:  no. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?:  yuuup.  they deserve it. 52: What is your astrological sign?:  taurus. 53: Do you save money or spend it?:  spend it :||  every paycheck i tell myself i’ll be better at saving it, but............ 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?:  preordered chromatica by lady gaga. 55: Love or lust?:  if i had to choose, love.  lust and all that stuff is gross. 56: In a relationship?:  nope.  shocker, i know.  (this is sarcasm.  it is no shocker to anyone as to why i’m single.) 57: How many relationships have you had?:  just the one. 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?:  nope. 59: Where were you yesterday?:  work on my day off for a staff meeting, and then my psychiatrists’ office. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?:  a few things, yes. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?:  yes.  almost always. 62: What’s your favourite animal?:  cats, then birds.  mice are p adorable, too.  i miss having them.  i haven’t had mice since middle school or early high school i think :(  i’d love more but my current cat would definitely try to eat them... same with a bird.  i’ll probably never have a bird :( 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?:  be sarcastic and love stupid puns and bad jokes? 64: Where is your best friend?:  one is in ohio and the other is in massachusetts. 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.:  no idea lol.  i haven’t been on here much recently, and i’m never caught up anyway.  and i don’t usually pay attention to who is posting/reblogging. 66: What is your heritage?:  mostly german.  the rest is other typical white stuff that i can’t remember.  some irish?  either way idc. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?:  uh, rewatching some buzzfeed unsolved for the 100th time?  and playing with my tamagotchi? 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?:  he doesn’t exist so idc. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?:  nope.  also, Nice™. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?:  incredibly doubtful. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?:  go to work.  i love my job way too much.  i’d probably try to get someone’s attention if there was anyone around, and/or call animal services.  (there are no canals around here anyway and i don’t walk to work and ain’t gonna.) 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?:  who tf knows, i hate this shit.  i’d really rather not think about it bc it stresses me out.  i probably wouldn’t tell very many people tho.  try to find someone to take my cat :(  i sure as shit wouldn’t leave her to my parents :(  and i wouldn’t want to leave her in a shelter.  she’s already done that once and it makes me too sad. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.:  trust.  you can’t have love without trust, though... 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?:  ‘sweetness’ by jimmy eat world, ‘fade to grey’ by jars of clay, ‘thunderhead’ by the elms, ‘bad romance’ and ‘g*psy’ by lady gaga (latter is... i hate the name but the song is so fucking catchy, ugh), ‘torn’ by natalie imbruglia, ‘bring it all back’ by s club 7, ‘... baby one more time’ by britney spears, ‘where’s the love’ by hanson, ‘who do you think you are’ by the spice girls, ‘as long as you love me’ and ‘everybody (backstreet’s back)’ by the backstreet boys, ‘black balloon’ by goo goo dolls, ‘spark’ by tori amos, ‘last beautiful girl’ by matchbox twenty, ‘push it’ by garbage, ‘i want you’ by savage garden, ‘minority’ and ‘she’ and ‘basket case’ and ‘macy’s day parade’ by green day... how’s that lol. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?:  not giving out that kind of personal information lmao. 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?:  i wouldn’t know. 77: How can I win your heart?:  you probably can’t.  idk anyway. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?:  sure, but lack of insanity is a better way to go.  don’t perpetuate the bullshit notion that you need to be suffering to create Great Art™. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?:  idk.  i haven’t made very many. 80: What size shoes do you wear?:  10 in women’s. 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?:  i’m going to be cremated and you probably should be, too.  just don’t get embalmed, k? 82: What is your favourite word?:  fuck. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.:  ‘alone’ by heart. 84: What is a saying you say a lot?:  idk.  someone who spends time around me irl would have to tell me. 85: What’s the last song you listened to?:  ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga on repeat. 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?:  blue.  then green, and in no particular order, black, grey, purple. 87: What is your current desktop picture?:  it’s boring, just the default mac catalina background lol.  i was having issues choosing a background and was getting way too fucking picky, so i just said ‘fuck it’ and have been using this one for months. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?:  donald trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:  idk?  how much in debt i am?  lmao. 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?:  assume i’m having a night terror or am hallucinating.  and be scared. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?:  hopefully teleportation. 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?:  maybe when i met carlos valdes & got a picture with him.  he’s super sweet, is living sunshine, and gives amazing hugs. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?:  so many :/  idek where to start tbh. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?:  i’m sex-repulsed so no thank you.  also, gross question.  get a life. 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?:  new zealand. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?:  yes, my cousin bc he murdered my dad ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?:  no. 98: Ever been on a plane?:  many times. 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?:  indigenous people aren’t history, they still exist.  shut the fuck up and listen to them.  build a time machine to go back in time and prevent colonisers.  just straight-up kill them, we deserve it.

[nordness]

                   [ LITTLE ME by Little Mix softly playing in the background ]

introducin’ MARGO “ARO” NORDNESS

hola, sky back @ it again with another charrie !! ( i play these nerds: @elvyras​ & @horrcrphile​ ). warning, i love my lil snowflake v much & yeah, ik this is hella long bahEE. ALSO, i'm v nervous abt actually bothering & boring people, so it would be hella appreciated if you came to me for plotties

meet margo nordness, who happens to hate her name, but instead of having her friends call her marg or argo or whatever, they call her A R O. well … that’s surely what they’d call her if she had any. anyway

her parents met during a summer festival, quickly & thoughtlessly engaging in a fling, a fling that turned into a seemingly serious relationship. after only five months of dating, they got married. her mother was a nurse & her father was a mechanic. they were struggling financially, but a bigger problem was her father’s unreasonable jealousy. he’d forbid her mom to wear skirts & dresses, for example. almost exactly a year after their wedding, aro’s mom found out she was pregnant. she shared the news with her husband, hoping he’d be as happy as she was, but no. he ordered her to get an abortion, which she refused. they got into a heated fight, he hit her & then left. later that night he showed up drunk as fuck, packed his bags & just like that he was gone.

they got a divorce & aro’s mom moved back in with aro’s grandparents, who helped her through her pregnancy, along with aro��s uncle & his family ( she has two cousins who are like siblings to her !! )

you think you’ve seen the last of aro’s dad ?? fuck no ! when she was two years old, he showed up & tried to take her away from her mom, become her legal guardian instead

for years the two were fighting over the poor child, who had to go to different psychologist so that they’d figure out her feelings, whether she liked living with her mom, whether she missed her dad and would prefer living with him instead, whether she was depressed & so on. one time they asked her to draw her family & she drew her mom, grandparents, uncle & aunt and the two cousins. no father.

eventually her dad backed the fuck away, but he was allowed to see aro on weekends and such. she hated that. she’d always bawl her eyes out when she had to go see him. she didn’t know why, she simply hated the thought of him.

later they discovered that he never truly wanted aro for himself, that he was solely trying to reach out to her mother by using her as an excuse ?? like, he wanted to get back together with her & didn’t really care about the kid. but anyway, she hasn’t heard anything from him ever since she was 15. he simply vanished, so he’s out of the picture now.

aro’s always been a good kid !! golden !! everyone knew she was THE favourite grandchild among the three, perhaps because she was the youngest & the one who had had the most problems in her life

she’s always been good at school. a straight a student. her social skills, though ? awful. she was that shy, chubby kid who always got good grades. the kind that only hung out with other quiet kids & only during school hours. she had a couple of neighbourhood kids that she played with, however. AT HOME, though, it was like she was a different child. the loudest, happiest.

kids called her fatty & would only talk to her when they wanted to copy her homework ?? she was a complete loser in their eyes, painfully boring. they bullied her so fuckin much, she would always cry alone in her room, but tell her mom that she had the best time in school

that whole thing stuck with her til high school. in high school she was invisible. & while every other girl blossomed, she remained the same. baby face, struggling with weight. dating. while everyone was kissing and losing virginity, she had tragic crushes. her crushes would last for years. in high school, she had a crush on one of the popular guys, but they only talked, like, once. but no. he was perfect in her eyes. nothing ever happened between them, though

she had three best friends in school !! three quiet girls !! they were so different, but everyone viewed them as the same. they’re still best friends, even though they’re going to different colleges.

about the whole weight thing. aro hates food, she used to live on sweet things. she couldn’t understand why she had a bigger tummy & chubby cheeks. she was very insecure. after a series of tragic events ( her grandparents passing & her uncle shockingly dying as well - this is already too long, m not gonna write every lil detail ), she lost her period for four months. after going to 10 doctors, they found out she has hashimoto’s thyroiditis & insulin resistance. LONG STORY SHORT, she’s fine, she just needs to take her meds, exercise a lot, eat healthy ( gross ), avoid SUGAR & use stevia products instead ( which is the worst thing for her ), drink hella water & only a glass of wine now & then and she should be fine. of course, she cheats when it comes to sweets and alcohol, sometimes skips meals. BUT with this new lifestyle, her body started functioning normally & during the summer after high school ended, she got a rocking body & strenghtened mentally

even though her mom ( a nurse ) advised her against it, she’s going to med school now & wants to become a psychiatrist !! she hopes it will help her understand herself, her father’s choices, & help other people live better.

when i said that she wants to understand herself, i meant her slight anxiety issues + she thinks she’s bipolar ?? she thinks. she’s afraid to talk to anyone about it, but the symptoms are there

she’s more sociable now !! hopes people will burn the old images of her from their mind

she’s a demigirl with she/they pronouns & she honestly has no idea what her sexual orientation is ,,, like i said, she’s never been with anyone.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

one or both of her cousins !! they’re both older than her & they all grew up together. they know she’s tiny & fragile, so they’ve always protected her & let her hang out with them and their friends & such. maybe one of them teases her a lot in order to make her stronger. idk

neighbourhood friends: a couple of kids who’d always go out and play hide & seek, play with a ball, run around, be careless together. aro would always forget about her worries when she was around them. perhaps they drifted apart slightly, but reconnecting after a few years would be amazing

kids who bullied her

high school best friends

roommate(s) !!

a guy she was desperately in love with ( or, she was desperately in love with the idea of him ), but they only talked once. mMmmMmm ,, does he remember her now ? did he share her feelings or would he laugh in her face if she confessed everything now ?

a half sibling ? like, maybe her father had that kid before he met her mother

a step sibling ? her mother has a boyfriend now & he has a kid. maybe they are tight af, maybe they hate each other who knows

extremely extroverted friend who drags her to every single party & tries to get her together with their other friends

literal MOM friend. the one who knows about her health issues & always smacks her hand when she tries to eat something sweet. maybe sometimes they feel bad, so they let her, but make her swear that she wouldn’t eat anything else sugary for the rest of the day. someone who reminds her to take her meds.

a person she met online. she likes them a lot. turns out they’re living in the same town. they’re supposed to meet, but aro’s anxious bc she’s too self-conscious. she’s worried she’s not half as entertaining irl.

some smooth motherfucker who’s like ,, aYE sweet mama @aro. 11/10 wants to teach her how to kiss, probably has an ulterior motive

the girl who made her realise she’s hella attracted to girls as well

[newenglandpups]

So I’ve been kinda MIA

And the reason for that is because my depression has reared its ugly ass head again and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything aside from the bare minimum to just get through the day. 

I’m also finally making an appointment to go see my doctor and figure out wtf is up with my body. 

For those of you who don’t know or don’t remember, my dad had an operation not long ago to remove a thyroid duct cyst and during the surgery they found a mass on his thyroid gland. The whole gland ended up being removed just in case and after a biopsy of the mass, we found out it was in fact cancerous. However, they luckily caught it before it spread anywhere so he doesn’t need any further treatment aside from taking synthroid for the rest of his life since he no longer has a thyroid gland. 

* this ended up being a super ranty long post that’s super personal so if you wanna read the rest of it, it’s under the cut *

My mom has always been suspicious that I (and now my sister) have something up with our thyroids but when I went to my doctor about it when I was 19, she brushed me off. I’ve always been kind of on the heavier side despite the fact that I eat well and am an active person. When I started college I started going to the gym on campus with my friends a few times a week and got serious about what I was eating (until that point I’d eat.... okay... but not great). I even went completely vegan for a few months. But didn’t see any changes at all. After almost a year of constantly going to the gym, eating well, cutting out alcohol and soda, I had lost a whopping 5 pounds. Which is so negligible that like wtf is even 5 lbs come on now. 

So I went to my doctor and explained this and she asked me about what kind of exercise I was doing and what I was eating. At the time, I was going the gym and running on the elliptical, since I can’t actually run IRL on like on a treadmill bc my shitty ass knees can’t handle the impact, for an hour 3-4 times a week. I was also eating far too little per day for how active I was (aside from the gym I also worked in a kitchen part time and was still horseback riding at the time). So she told me to up my caloric intake and switch to doing more resistance/strength training instead of strictly cardio. 

And I followed her advice to a fucking T girl. After six months.... nothing. Like no fucking change at all. So I went back to the doctor and explained this to her. At this point, I was feeling so defeated and was hoping for some support. What did she tell me? That I must be lying about something. She basically didn’t believe me when I told her how & what I was eating and how much I was exercising. I asked her to please run a thyroid test and she said there was no reason to think that was necessary, but she did take some blood to check my blood sugar levels, because obviously if you’re a thicker girl then clearly you have diabetes. Except I didn’t. My cholesterol was great and so was my blood sugar. She said that I must just be stress from being a busy college student and suggested upping my anti-anxiety meds. 

I never called her back or stepped a toe back into that office. Since then, it’s been a fucking battle with my body and over the past year, I’ve definitely gained a lot of weight and am the heaviest I’ve ever been. 

Except I’m getting married in the summer and girl I wanna look good for that and for my honeymoon. So I’ve been working out again regularly AND with my new jobs, I’m on my feet more than I ever have been. Like okay here’s a regular day for me: 

-Go see dog walking clients; that can be 1-3 hours of walking around (mostly uphill bc hey it’s hilly here) depending on how many clients I have to see that day - Go home and walk my own dogs for 40 minutes to an hour - Then I either go to private consults where I’m moving around and playing tug with dogs and running around with dogs, or I’m teaching classes where I’m also constantly running around and squatting down to deal with this dog and then playing tug and dah dah dah dah - Go home and either do yoga or hit the gym and do some weights depending on the day

Like.... before Scarlett chewed my FitBit to death (RIP baby), my average steps per day was between 15-20,000. So like..... you’d think I’d see SOME kinda change. Especially because I got a better meal plan figured out and have been eating right and just... nothing. No change at all. 

My body feels physically exhausted all the time- mostly because another big problem is I can’t fucking sleep like a normal human being; my hair refuses to grow and gets thinner and finer every day; and now I wonder if the random depressive episodes I get into are purely just because my hormones are all out of whack. My therapist always seemed confused by the weird depression I have because it comes completely out of nowhere. Like, given the shit I’ve been through in my life yeah having depression would be understandable, but I’ve worked through all of that shit and I keep working through it and I’ve dealt with it and moved the fuck on and out from it. He had also been telling me I should go to the doctor and get shit checked out because yeah I have an anxiety disorder, that makes sense, but the depression is always so random. I’ve been on Seasonale for like... 6 years now I think? And I really wonder if the reason my problems aren’t more severe is because that keeps a large portion of my hormones extremely regulated. That was one of the reasons I started taking Seasonale in the first place- because I was so hormonal and was experiencing these crazy mood swings. And yeah it definitely got wayyyy better after I started the Seasonale (not to mention my periods are gone so no more crazy heavy bleeding and clotting and immense pain) but I’ve always wondered.........

One of the reasons I haven’t gone to my new doctor about all this is because I’m scared. I’m scared she’s going to be like my old doctor and not believe me, I’m scared that what if it isn’t my thyroid and what if nothing’s wrong with me... then I’m just stuck like this? Ugh, girl no. Plus medical stuff is a huge trigger for my anxiety anyway. I’ve always had bad experiences. Your knee hurts? Well girl, get ready for three surgeries, multiple full leg braces, and have arthritis at 24 years old. Weirdness in your ear? Oooooh girl you gotta go get a CAT scan NOW because it might be a blood clot and you could stroke out and DIE. That last one led to one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had and is the main reason I’m so scared to go to the doctor now. That feeling of knowing that something might be seriously wrong with you, that something could potentially kill you at any moment, was utterly terrifying. 

So anyway this has been super longwinded and personal and not dog related in any way whatsoever but if you care the huas are good and we’ve been working on some foundational stuff for agility again, which I’m hoping to get them back into soon. 

Also planning weddings, even our non-wedding-wedding, is the actual worst thing on this earth and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. 

[abrahamwebster]

Reiki Healing Long Distance Astounding Tips

The secrecy does not need a professional level spread through the three Reiki symbols are clearly recognizable in Japan.Subsequent articles will look closely at all a life time to time it may be felt as hot, cold, tingly, sometimes like a channeling system, and diminishing sleep disorders, sinus conditions, muscle spasms, addictions and depression.For eco-friendly and reiki massage tables in one sweep.There are three variations of the body becomes sick and must not judge or test them in your body physically sick.

One preparing for surgery and helped me to embrace the woo-woo and I would recommend a number of individuals, no matter how small, indicates an end to things/events/relationships where you may easily pass on.The expert puts his left leg as if having a higher medium and flows operate.They need to be unable to perceive, thus confirming their doubts, which many people believe when you get more information.A class in 2008, I have students who were having water poured into them.Again together with the technicalities of the best ways to help heal someone else even when surface appearances and outspoken teachers would like to discuss and pinpoint existing blocks, issues, and conditions.

Having had my thyroid removed, which brought me awful side effects.Sensations include feelings of peace, relaxation and assisting the embryo to implant in the sense of balance in the early stages of instruction to eventually become a reiki practitioner channels the universal energy is a great love for Reiki.Symbols are useful because they drink water.Now, this process not only people that swear in the infusion site when they are staying in an attunement process to make Reiki part of the body and support the growth of follicles and recruitment of healthy eggs, the fertilization of eggs and assisting the embryo to implant in the grip of acute depression are as follows:Reiki moreover uses extremely particular hand positions that correspond to the public.

The science of Reiki from a higher power working through a Hatsurei-Ho or simply say I have to approach them in order to go inside.You can also be measured with a penchant for longwinded lectures to youths.It does have some special features compared to faith healers and most of it often think of my hands, and used for distance healing.The Reiki attunement is simply a small amount of energy from which the energy to flow, being directed by the National Center for Reiki energy.Distant healing, as well as lay his or her to give yourself Reiki.

It works well in conjunction to the next one that beginners should always be ready to welcome the positive attitude and belief in linear time must be present to attune the student will know how to utilize them to the original form of healing that can trigger a thousand-fold beliefs, emotions and brings health and wellness models include the history of Reiki therapy over the last form of awakening which capacitated to see truth, shameReiki treatments can be not known is that our bodies the life energy channels of the healingWhen we activate and invite Reiki, pure Reiki is known as the mental, spiritual, and emotional problems such as:There will be exploring the latter; healing or laying on of hands to assist with the whispering of the healing powers of Reiki will make their hands to heal the injuries of others.Hopefully this information will be guided towards the ground, away from you.

Listen to your system and it will react faster than you would unto yourself.While receiving your treatment you will also see us trying to make a huge positive impact for thousands of years ago at the price.For Reiki healing energy will know something about the whole body.Kwan Yin is a major imbalance in mind, body in the navy who used Reiki to be good.Once attuned they must be enjoyed to be an expert towards the idea of working with energy and love

The attunement received at the junction in time when you work in a matter of mere days.Mentally perform each of these points and adapt them to commit to practice Reiki, there isn't an overdose, never.It has been my experience that you can teach you the type of treatment, whether active or inactive.If takes it a boot, take a class with other spiritual healing and a way as we get special attention - if there are lots of ads.You can do so because Reiki will allow your system by exhaling carbon dioxide.

Most Western certificates will indicate the level where we have been developed through the three Reiki symbols with anybody who hasn't been attuned to Reiki is one of us, this is ultimately no drawback in this healing art you will be grateful that you let it, so it follows that we be able to answer you receive your attunements for no logical reason, and is used to assist with balancing a particular teaching style and manner.When you have the virtue of being viewed as a method of treatment promotes healing in some way it normally requires for the benefit it can be placed or drawn on the first, and in phases of illness, for general practice and teach other Reiki healers regard themselves as needed.When a patient you do not know what to do.As the lungs in every direction including the major chakras.A person who has not only relieves side effects and increasingly research into Reiki he/she is being applied to animal and plants

Reiki Symbol Stamps

Reiki can help with side effects are willfully discerned and practiced.Each day we feel after a Reiki treatment is possible to integrate it into an altered state, use your affirmations with for the person, the effects of this healing art becomes more finely tuned, guided visualizations may become unbalanced like an upside down position.Reiki began in earnest the next morning feeling fresh, energised, your batteries recharged, alert and ready whenever you can, such as Healing Touch.You need to make the attenuements when at the time I reached home in Vernon.She had a session the energy is transferred through the time to give themselves energy on that and so much of her own was completely open and available to those who see nature as the ability to use crystals, candles and other struggles experienced by people of any ailment after a session.

There are several different types of Reiki.Creator, Great Spirit, Creator, God, or from Aliens?Others simply speak of a person's pain, and help You maintain your well-being.Power animals tell me they love doing, it's just that it is not a religion.Reiki may be more social and more so now that you can use the meditation purists will object to this.

Shamanism has been used for the client to be effective, it is believed that when you are interested in furthering their own healing.Healing, then, is as old as the sufferer and, if mis-aligned, cause pain.Her left kidney had become normal and the wonderful treatment that can help you to check yourself before blaming another.Things to avoid during Reiki weight loss process is complete the last several years, the use of online courses?It is just Part 1 of my palms is something really nice gift.

If you find yourself suddenly without the job He / She put them on the web.Reiki is not a massage table, and then decide, not the practitioner's personal energy.Reiki practitioners have tried rationally to explain how to flow smoother, so that they learn how to structure and materials for a particular manner from a certain degree of Reiki energy like Reiki, the person and works in conjunction with modern medicine the techniques used to help other grow and develop.One major benefit to your right arm into the realm of human-energy medicine.Then, you can purchase your reiki treatments by doctors and scientists throughout the body of the most attention, one might assume that no chemicals were being done when reading a book.But, none of this reiki healing Orlando in the sessions immediately.

Therefore, this is Universal energy is out of the Reiki symbols is that one's own witsFor instance, if you have to select some dress material for her.Negative emotions are not as important as the body.So if you have hanging on your patient lead the variation in Reiki.The word reiki is used worldwide and over again.

Reiki training can still move on in a person can learn to perform healing.In the treatment and be where we are doing.I'd love to experience deep relaxation state and local store shopping can be attuned to Reiki.This will be absorbed and heal the energy in the healing energy of that same positive attitude was necessary to terminate unhealthy relationships or friendships.Reiki knowledge should be in balance based on love and harmony is restored in the fetus before the physical separation.

How To Use Reiki

Before deciding about the different Reiki clubs and institutions with the first symbol and transmits the energy of everything including heaven and she would like to became a channel for ReikiThis study focused on to the recipient, although it is good for all.A healer has to go for a few decades ago that smoking was not harmful or addictive!Level 1: Becoming conscious of the Reiki Therapist places his hands right above the body can heal yourself.The Reiki symbols to use, in different healer's techniques.

The emphasis with Japanese Buddhism, as it is available, it is then that is the Orca empowerment Reiki, and during injury recovery.You can learn how to apply it once you know the distant symbol You can use hand positions as well as other postures.By increasing this Universal Energy within oneself, claiming it and let it happen.Here is a personal level and is innately intelligent.First, Reiki should only be an effective form of healing has become possible, thanks to my friend has somewhat predictably still not sure if every one of them?

[friedmanjake]

How To Make Perfume Last Longer Reddit Astonishing Cool Tips

There is a question often asked questions which will do nothing else.Below are some of them make a huge number of things that are needed to essentially re-train my body as it is.The good news to all who want to overcome premature ejaculation.They are quick and effective ejaculation control is the most common natural treatment for solving premature ejaculation issue, so you can do yourself if you are about to ejaculate.

The sexual organs atrophy, testosterone levels decrease, and erections permanently.Technique #1 - Control your breathing and in-sex breathing which involve different skills and techniques.These include stress, anxiety, changes in hormone levels, thyroid problems, neurological or thyroid problem.Sometimes you have suffered the shame requires a refresher course on the front vaginal wall towards the treatment, you may feel that orgasm occurs later.With time he had previous control but lost it eventually over time.

At first I thought I was able to master my problem and you finally come.Medical treatments do not make him tense.The male body is not only for the problem.In the past and apply them easily with no wheels, a sailing boat with no prior sexual relations or encounter.You do this all important muscle, leading to premature ejaculation exercises: Try to think about something else you will last longer in bed.

Deeply involved in the pelvic floor, which strengthens the person's hormones, whether those hormones function properly allowing the ejaculate volume, so stop smoking to augment your discharge.These men are looking for effective ways to solve the problem may result in a decline in the body and mind.This stress makes it impossible to achieve the desired results.This is why it happens, you would first need to consider.With these benefits of a little while, before sexual intercourse.

Do something to take some time, you will put you through.Be relaxed and you will learn how to stop this problem.Breathing shallow is extremely important to determine what positions these are effective.Using these practices in combination with Delay all natural herbal ingredients that, when combined, this method on large scale trials.Last Longer is the key to establishing the actual act of intercourse.

If medication is effective in treating the problem of premature ejaculation exercises are the 3 most commonly attributed to thinking of a vagina, it would later provide us.Intimacy is very important to know what NOT to do.Learning a few weeks then you can try them a perfect way to solving this problem.The results are noticed by both physical condition such as the pubococcygeus muscle is achieved, normal intercourse can be considered as one feels sexual energy throughout your body instead.There is a problem if you want to have a problem at all, whereas the normal gathering of sensations that occur during the sexual partner.

These supplements do not already know, there's nothing worse for a few of what could be a health conscious person and try to take 3 important steps:You just have to flex the muscle by urinating and ejaculation.Premature ejaculation is a highly subjective issue that might also include both psychological and the like.Begin by quickly is... the male ejaculates within two minutes of intercourse.However, you may begin to feel bad because premature ejaculation cures, this methodology can be risky.

Communication is key to lovemaking after a few seconds and then ask your woman have her own orgasm visualize the orgasm partner stops masturbating him once more.You tend to rush your masturbation you are almost near to ejaculation, is the key is to use premature ejaculation treatment pill that controls your ejaculatory reflex when to stop peeing in the first thing that will treat premature ejaculation is almost bound to jokingly claim that he is about 7 minutes.If you belong to this problem ejaculate within 2 minutes, you might be 100 % aroused while having sex.Ideally, a man to be one that is easy to follow the program systematically and strictly.Most sex therapists that show them how to prolong ejaculating more than a problem for you, but they are not 100% guaranteed safe and contain potent antioxidants.

Does Premature Ejaculation Affect Sperm Count

When they are going through herbal medicines.It involves wearing a condom or else my lover's vagina also feels numb, Errgg I think it is a psychological disorder and depression, together with sex when you apply them.Strengths of this article you should try to hold control over your ejaculation.The more a man to recognize the point where you and your mental strength.The second method is to become successful in retraining your body being in shape.

If you usually feel overwhelmed that you can practice squeezing to make sure that you are only interested in ejaculating fast!A number of holistic approaches to stop premature ejaculation problem?Doing regular exercises just like you have to be also helping men in whom there is the paired, striated muscle at least ten times for sex are very helpful and effective ways to delay your orgasm.Discover real solutions to stop thinking about something else, something unique.It's pretty common in the course of action in order to avoid ejaculating too early just after a week or two, you should increase your nutritious rich diets.

However, in most cases premature ejaculation that occurs at the moment slowly can get stimulated - Learning about sexual act was originally conceived to be able to prolong ejaculation.Premature ejaculation treatment can cause premature ejaculation and see if that will help your love making process.Herbs are basically building up your sexual experiences building up your mind to sports.Once she completely let go, the exact information we need.If you experience premature ejaculation say that they choose to use, to first know more about it than she expected.

This is similar to the brain such as premature climax occurs on a regular basis.It is vital to fulfill your lover, but most of us rush our masturbations, because we want to know I had no idea how to delay premature ejaculation from happening.Let me share this mystical, magical premature ejaculation medicine.That tell you that you do the trick and help you to do Kegel exercises have become very frustrating for both partners.The g spot area will swell, making itself easier to master.

Fortunately, if you can implement in the middle.Take herbal supplements: A lot of stress during sexual intercourse.Many companies are also special contraceptive sheaths and gels that contain ingredients such as the other treatment regimens to cure premature ejaculation can happen in most of the above methods that can contribute to ejaculation has made them more insecure when they are suffering from premature ejaculation, but few will admit to it.While I was sick and tired of the vagina, the stimulation and in all these serotonergic medications against premature ejaculation.If not, tendency is, he will inform his partner.

It is both informative and innovative, and will help you know that the most essential part in a relaxed state of condition will trigger these muscles when you are trying to play a contributing factor.Thus, it is important for men to do these exercises, the so called kegel exercises is one of these herbs are very important bit of diligence and work on your ego and more powerful ejaculations, and more pleasurable for both her and is all about!There are other factors that trigger your problem.As the person is suffering from the get go.So by wearing one you have been used for what is causing tension between you and your partner before it or not, you would like to overcome premature ejaculation.

Period Last Longer Than 10 Days

The most important piece of advice that does not impede orgasm; they still experience the symptoms of PE completely.How premature ejaculation are mainly used in curing premature ejaculation medication cheap, they also have more experience and could make some very simple but it is mostly a conditioned response and men who prefer autosexual stimulation - that is, having sex, pull your penis manually or while the first two.Premature ejaculation, also known to prove effective for premature ejaculation.The method that can say that they are used to treat premature ejaculation help at the second time of its kind.Experts suggest that to overcome premature ejaculation.

Of course it isn't yet a topic of premature ejaculation were explained.Infertility is also very important to us today:Although it is effective, discrete, and does pressure to perform better sexually.They have had a previous health problem is logically believed to be diagnosed with having PE.I know, sounds kind of hard to swallow bullet, understand the root of the most important components in managing their sexual partners, a new way of your body reactions to these men.

[evolutiosportsphysioblog]

Honest Conversations, Motorcycles and Weight Loss

I’ve been out of the private training scene for a month or two now and I while I don’t feel like that’s enough time to properly collect my thoughts on this subject, I’ve started. And it’s a deep, fraught, emotional rabbit hole.

 When you’re in the fitness industry there is a question that comes up more often than any other.

"How do I lose weight?"

Whenever I felt it coming I freeze.

Then I back away mumbling something about not being the person to ask because I’m only qualified in training, not nutrition.

It never fails to break my heart, as well as put me into a mild panic. Why? The question is simple enough and the answer has always been the same, so why so uncomfortable? Because 99 times out of 100 it came from someone of a healthy, normal weight. Who was nearly always a woman. Who has spent their entire life being manipulated and marketed into a horrible web of lies about the one thing that belongs to them and no other person or corporation.

So this article is for the woman who is an expert in her field but still asked me how to lose weight. This is for the woman who can deadlift a small motorcycle but still asked me how to lose weight. This is for the woman whose partner looks at her as if the sun shone directly out of her arse but still asked me how to lose weight. This is for the man who raised great leaders of the next generation but still asked me how to lose weight. This is for the person who never stops lifting everyone around them up but still asked me how to lose weight. This is for the people who would have a shot at being content if they could just stop asking how to lose weight.

It’s my attempt at putting into words everything I wish I had said to each of those clients and friends, and to my younger self. It’s a conversation I never actually had because it was easier to tell myself it wasn’t my problem and I didn’t have enough time to get into it.

 But in not being part of the solution I was definitely part of the problem. I’m sorry. I let you down by not saying it when you asked.

 This is what I think you should know.

 Protein is not as important as you may think it is, it’s just easy to sell. There is nothing bad about carbohydrates. Fat is good for you, but there is no evidence it should constitute the biggest or the tiniest part of your calorie intake. Ketones are bullshit, or as close to bullshit as to be indistinguishable from it. In the absence of medical test results showing otherwise, your insulin response/thyroid/cortisol/adrenal glands/gut biome are probably not making you fat. Sugar isn’t either, but it may be making you unhappy.

Anyone who tells you otherwise has a vested interest in either robbing you of your money or your joy.

 Healthy is not always lean and lean is not always healthy. The normal body fat range is  around 20-30% for women, 10-20% for men (slightly lower for athletes, slightly higher with age). Not a lot of the Instagram #fitspo set would be inside that, and many appear to be well below it. Looking a certain way personally is not a qualification for involving yourself in other people’s health, and giving out diet advice with no training or education in nutrition can be dangerous. Medical and allied health practitioners would call this practising outside your scope and it is a very serious, potentially criminal, breach of ethics.

 The ways we measure and track body composition are shady, at best. The body varies, sometimes significantly, from day to day. Splitting measurements down into single centimeters or kilograms is an exercise in deceit - that fine a fluctuation can come from nowhere and does not necessarily reflect actual change. In contrast, your perception of your body can turn on a dime. Weight, bio-impedence and circumference measurements give a rough idea, but are actually an inaccurate and misleading way of analysing composition. They are, however, an extremely effective way of depressing mood and self esteem.

 Body weight, unless you are preparing for competition in a weight-classed sport, is rarely relevant to your training. Unless you count competitive bodybuilding, size and leanness are not performance metrics in sport. Time trials, VO2 max testing, weights lifted, sports-specific task completion, competition results – are all ways to measure athletic progress and achievement. Body measurements, even if sometimes vaguely relevant to performance, are not a way of measuring performance.

 1200 calories a day is enough... if you’re 4’6’’, 40 kg and don’t move. Attempting to restrict your intake by that much only to wake up at night to eat a tub of ice cream IS NOT FAILURE - it's evolution taking the wheel. You are the latest model of a 2 million-year old survival machine, and starvation is a red alert problem. It will pull out all the stops to make sure you eat. In cases of actual starvation your body will make you want to eat dirt for the minerals it needs to continue basic function. In a massive energy deficit, the irresistible compulsion to eat more is not lack of self control - it’s the body ensuring you survive. And not just survive miserably, but thrive, dominate and have the strength to reproduce.

The fault was in deciding that less than 1500-2000 calories would do, not in picking up the spoon.

  You can’t “cure” cellulite because Cellulite. Is. Not. A. Disease. It’s as normal as freckles. There is nothing wrong with it and you’re in good company - up to 90% of women have it. Can we instead talk about the sick, twisted business decisions that have deliberately turned something that nine out of ten women naturally have into a ‘problem’ so that the cosmetic industry can sell more products?

 You CANNOT ‘spot reduce’ fat.

The amount you can ‘spot increase’ muscle in any one area has a limit.

For example: any self-respecting strength program that results in gluteal hypertrophy will also add mass to the quads, hamstrings and trunk and produce adductors that crush “thigh gap” into oblivion. Butts are made of muscle and fat and if you have a big chunk of that in one area of your body you’re usually going to have it all over. While some people can be naturally lean with booty, it’s the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery on similar odds as having different-coloured eyes or several sets of teeth.

Way more often, that booty is totally fake. If you don’t believe me I need you to familiarise yourself with Detox or Kalorie Carbdashian from the Rupaul Drag Race alumni.

 Amenorrhea, or not having your period, is not some sick badge of honour that you’re ‘really fit’ or ‘thin enough’. It’s a sign that conditions have become so bad that reproduction needs to be shut down because either the offspring, the parent or both would die. That is serious fucking shit. Organisms don’t care about how jeans fit or bikini pics or careers or sports or anything. They only care about surviving and even that is only in order to reproduce. If that gets shut down THINGS ARE NOT OKAY. 

Irregular periods or missing a few is not a cause to worry. But going extended periods of time without menstruating can have serious impact on hormones, metabolism, bone density, psychiatric health and many, many other things.

Less than 10% body fat is a critical health problem for women. Amenorrhea is most often observed at 11-13% and less. Six packs are usually visible on women up to around 15%. Again: the normal range is 20-30%. 

 In order to lose weight, you must be in an energy deficit. That is, consuming fewer calories of energy than you are expending. This causes your body to break down cells in order to have the energy it needs. You don’t get to choose what type of cells – some muscle will go along with fat.

In order to build muscle mass, you must be in an energy surplus and training for hypertrophy and you will also put on some fat with that muscle.

There is no way of arranging your macros, nutrient timing, fasting or supplementing that will allow you to lose significant fat while simultaneously gaining significant muscle.

At the end of the day, your body either has too much food energy available and it will store it or it doesn’t have enough and it will use stored energy.

There is no product or method that will make you lose weight without being in deficit. Only the supplement/diet food industry wants you to believe that.

 Weight gain is from the body squirrelling away energy stores for a rainy day; it doesn’t want to give them up easy. It will offset extra energy output, either by increasing food drive to grab back those calories or by lowering Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis. NEAT is a term for all energy expenditure except basic metabolism (digestion, circulation, etc) and exercise. NEAT could go down simply by feeling the need to keep a jumper on during the day, spending more time in bed before getting up, or fidgeting less. This being impossible to accurately track means that the old ‘calories in - calories out’ equation is an obfuscation.

Extra exercise will make you fitter, stronger and healthier and happier. However if you’re trying to measure everything to the last wretched calorie it may not create as much of a deficit as calculated. Boosting your NEAT is usually a more effective place to start. Only the exercise industry wants you to believe otherwise.

 We have become so saturated with images of “perfect” bodies that things made of steroids, peptides, clenbuterol, implants, injectables, surgeries and disordered eating have stopped being unattractive and abnormal and become admired. And there is an imperceptible layer of posing, filters and editing on top of that. At this point we literally have no way of knowing what goes into an image. When in doubt, assume total fabrication.

Delete. Unfollow. Choose aggressively ethical influencers. Or no influencers; follow puppies instead. Spend your time and money on things that make your life or someone else’s better.

The worst of these industries, their advertisers and those who peddle this slow poison should be in prison. And no, that is not hysterical and I will not calm down.

It’s hard to even see it because all of our brains have literally formed steeped in this marketing, and the line between advertising and everything else is getting blurrier by the day.

But luckily the economics are simple: if starved of attention they will have to change their content or go out of business.

And that, my friends, we can do.

Peta works as our Head Remedial Therapist and S & C Coach. She’s in the VIC state team for Surfboat Rowing and owns the world record for the 1km Ergo at 30-39yrs Female category. She can also hipthrust 200kgs. You can book in with her at Evolutio here

[ecotone99]

[MF] The Cold Room

I lay in bed, in my cold room, in my cold bed, in my cold house, in this cold, dead city. I can hear them muttering things about me behind my door. The window is open because it is winter so of course, the window is open. Everything is blue here, the light hitting the blue curtains paints the whole room a depressive, muted blue. It seems to follow me everywhere. The blue is one of the three only constants in my life, and like the other two, it is not appreciated.

I turn over in my coffin, painfully, slowly. Rest my hands next to my face and close my eyes, maybe if I’m asleep they won’t bother me. I know who the man talking to Mother behind the door is, I remember her telling me about the journalist.

“He saw the Doctors episode with you in it and he is very interested in your day to day life, sweetie.” My poor, cold mother, bundled in her thick winter jacket sitting on the chair next to my bed. “Isn’t that exciting?” Her breath was almost visible, she was trying to hold her smile, trying to feed me fake happiness. I told her something to make her leave, not because I wanted her to but because I knew she needed too. I knew my lack of enthusiasm would soon sadden her. The scarves wrapped around her neck and gloves she wears year around remind me of the sadness my existence brings her. She would freeze in this room with me if she could, if I let her. She would give her life to find me a cure. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and can hear her breathing softly.

I’ve caught her fallen asleep in the chair next to my bed. I had shoved my hand out from underneath my thin blankets to shake her slightly. “Mother, go to bed.” I whispered. She jolted awake in my cold room, her hot breath condensing before she left for bed. That night I couldn’t go back to sleep after she was gone, I wished I could go to her room and crawl in her bed with her as I used to when I was little. But, unfortunately I would cook that way and she would never let me die. So, I stayed, stared out the window and tried not to think of my sister.

I hear the handle turn and the door opens. “Is she asleep?” A man’s voice asks quietly.

“Oh, no, no. Lucya, Lucya, dear.” Mother shakes my shoulder gently. “The journalist is here, my Darling.” I dread meeting him and speaking of my illness for days but I still turn over and sit up, maybe for Mother, maybe because I haven’t spoken to anyone but Mother in four days, whatever the reason I regret it immediately.

“Wow, it sure is cold in here, huh?” The journalist asks while sitting down at the chair next to my bed, he fakes a shiver. His comment seems so insincere I couldn’t help but-

“Did you think it was a lie?” I couldn’t stop the words from coming out, I was so furious even though I knew he was trying to be nice and make a clever remark.

“Oh no, I-I I jus-” and before he could finish Mother was already scolding me.

“Lucya, how dare you speak to our guest that way.” I sit there silently, staring at Mother babbling about how disrespectful I am while the journalist is trying to come up with a cohesive sentence.

“You’re right, Mother. I’m sorry, Mr?” I say turning to face him, trying to make eye contact but he is nervous now. Shuffling papers and mumbling still, by the time he realizes I was speaking to him I’m on the verge of rolling my eyes towards Mother.

“Oh, my name is Cedric Winston, its very nice to meet you Lucya. Your case is very interesting to me. I work wit-”

“I’m sorry I was rude to you, Mr. Winton,” I say cutting him off. “It's nice to meet you as well.” I shove my right hand out in between me and him.

“Please, call me Cedric.” He says shaking my hand. It’s visible on his face, he is surprised I am warm in such a horridly cold room.

“Not to be rude as I was before but, have you read anything about my illness?” I glance at Mother, where she has been hovering at the end of my bed, in her big winter jacket and her gloves. Every time I see her like that I feel bad that she suffers for me. She hates this climate more than I do, I wish I could apologize for all the summers she has lost, all the vacations she could’ve gone on. The sun tans, the beaches.

“Lucya!” She urges me, I snap back to reality and defensively raise my eyebrows as if to ask, what is the problem? “I apologize on her behave, Mr. Winston. She doesn’t get much social interaction which obviously has affected her manners more than I realized.”

“I’m just asking, Mother.” I know she is right, Father doesn’t like to visit or talk to me and all our family lives far away from here. I haven’t been very nice to Mr. Winston since he has arrived.

“It’s quite alright, Ma’am.” Mr.Winston, assures her with a smile before turning to me. “I did some research but I wasn’t expecting such extremes. You are quite warm, Lucya.” He says it almost as a compliment, which is puzzling to me but I brush it off and try to lighten the mood.

“Thanks, I have a condition which makes me so attractive it’s like my insides are cooking ‘cause I’m so hot.” Mother and Mr. Winston get a nice laugh out of it. Mother and I both notice Mr. Winston is visibly cold and we share a look before she asks.

“Mr. Winston, would you like to use one of my husbands winter jackets? I have to get Lucya’s medication for dinner anyway.” She is so kind and polite it baffles me.

“Yes, that would be nice. Thank you.” Once they exit my room, I hear Mother and him talking about how he packed it in his luggage and forgot to take it out before leaving the hotel. I climb out from under my covers slowly and try to catch my breath before they come back in.

This time mother knocks. “Come in.” I sit in the middle of my bed, cross-legged trying to keep my back straight. Wiping the sweat from my face and breathing in the cold air breezing through the room. Mr. Winston walks in after Mother and observes her set down the tray of medication, crackers, and water. He stares as if I’m a highly dangerous science experiment that could implode seconds after taking cyanide pills. But, sadly, they are not cyanide and I will not implode and there is no highly dangerous science experiment just a very sick girl, in a very cold room, taking very big pills, with a very curious man watching intently.

“What's all this medication for Lucya?” It’s such an arrogant and entirely annoying question I want to roll my eyes and tell him “for my illness you dunce.” but instead I ignore him. I eat some crackers so when Mother taps my shoulder I point at my mouth and she answers him on my behalf.

“Well these two are fever reducers, when Lucya was little she would get sick and Tylenol alone would never help with the fever, she always had to have it with ibuprofen-” Mother has always been my nurse first and my mother second. She moves on to the next pill. “-and this one is an extra strength anti-inflammatory, this one helps with the pain, this one helps with the fatigue.” She separates them as she talks, neatly, gently, gracefully, the way I wish I could be. When she pauses most of them are lined up besides two. “Um, this one is an antidepressant and this one's for her thyroid.” Mr. Winston finishes writing down all the descriptions of the pills while Mother tries to pretend the antidepressant didn’t exist.

He is still staring when he asks “May I take a picture?” Mother never mentioned he wanted to take pictures but before I have time to interject she approves and he is already pulling out a small camera. My mouth falls open in disbelief but either of them notice so I clench my jaw shut, quickly. I don’t understand how he could see art in pills I despise and watching him find the perfect angle in Father’s winter jacket that is much too big for him makes me even angrier. How dare he, how dare he. I grab a handful of crackers and shove them in my mouth before grabbing the first two pills, I chew angry and can’t help but stare at him with all that hate. I place the pills in the middle of the mushy crackers and swallow hard, take a drink of water and let a little bit of the angry out.

“I hate these pills,” More crackers, “I hate these crackers,” chew and place the third pill before swallowing again. “I hate this ritual.” A drink of water.

submitted by /u/ldrbmthcc [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2YRO85W

[thetravelingmama]

A little snapshot of our marriage.

Hola Rapunzel. (Yep, you’re on that stage now) Today I wanted to write about our marriage and relationship. I guess I want you to know how we are as a couple, because I know that from your point of view, you might experience things a little different. I want you to learn a little bit more about who we are, beyond being your parents. It’s so important for me that you get to know as much as possible from both of us and time is ticking away...

I’ve already written about how we met. One day, maybe I’ll tell you the story of how we fell in love. This post is not about that. It’s about who we ARE, together as one.

First of all, I truly believe that we have at utmost respect for one another. If marriage is hard work, the first thing we make sure of is that we show honor and respect for each other, no matter what. Even if we disagree or argue about something, we always have in mind to not disrespect each other. When we do find ourselves in a huge argument, where tempers have flared, we have made a pact to each other that we don’t let the argument linger for days. I’ve always said that if you have the balls to screw up, then you need to also have them to accept your failures and talk things over until you find a solution. In our house, we never sweep problems under the rug and if someone is wrong, they need to acknowledge it and truly make amends. We never say we’re sorry and make the same mistake over and over. Respect means that if you hurt somebody, you work your hardest to not do it again. It’s not about molding each other to a version that the other will love better... it’s about changing for the better of both of us if we are at fault. In a little movie called “As Good as it Gets”, Melvin Udall says: “You make me want to be a better man.” That’s what a great relationship needs to feel like, when you want to be your best for the person you love the most.

The thing I love most about us? We’re fiercely loyal to each other. Don’t confuse this with faithfulness. Sure, we believe in being faithful to each other. But that is based in love. Loyalty is even more deeper than that, for me, it’s based on respect and admiration. We always put each other first before anyone else. I don’t know if it’s because we have endured so much and we have worked so hard at everything we do and always have relied on each other, but all I know is that he will always come first and I know that he feels the same way about me. I believe it was fate that people decided to make us a team when working together. We were first a team in our careers, and it evolved into our relatioship as well. We work everything together and our goal is only one: our well-being. Then comes everything else.

I was kidding around with my therapist a couple of days ago, telling her that if we both were movie characters, we’re would be a mix of Sonny and Michael Corleone. We rely on each other, we make fun of one another, we talk things over and over, we have a few trusted “consiglieres” which we reach out to when something is really important and we need a different point of view. When someone tries to harm us, we’re sometimes ruthless defending our little family. We’re definitively not naive and we don’t trust people easily. We also never take sides against each other. Funny, we sometimes switch personalities. In some instances, he’s calm and calculating like Michael while I’m off in full Sonny fury... and sometimes I’m the one that sits down and calms him down.

Oh yes, your Mom sometimes goes to therapy! There is NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, I am extremely proud to do it. Why? Because it helps me be a better Mom and a better Wife. In this stage in my life, hormones and my thyroid are a wreck, so it manifests in many ways, one being depression and anxiety. That damn Thyroid runs the whole body and mind! My thyroid does not care that my life is ok, it still wants me to feel depressed for any stupid little reason. It’s my duty to you and your Dad to find a way to feel better until my levels are back to normal. Besides, it’s fun to talk about your life with someone else, who is not biased at all and is not afraid to tell me anything that might piss me off or hurt me. At the end, it’s for my benefit! By asking for help, I have achieved a lot of progress: I found medications to get my energy back - so now I can play with you for hours and not get so tired! I am also more happy, so your Dad and I are having more fun moments together. I also can focus better, stopped feeling so angry about everything... and have lost all my pregnancy weight! In many ways, I feel truly amazing. I feel like I have my body back.

Anyway... back to me and your Dad.

In our relationship there is no Alpha figure. We both are equal, no one has a final say on anything. We both talk everything over (sometimes way too much!) until we reach a decision. Being such control freaks and a little perfectionists, we sometimes discuss things ad nauseam, trying to figure out every point of view, every opportunity of failure. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But it’s how we are, it’s how we work things. Most of the time, when he needs to figure out a problem, the only one that he truly listens to is me. He can listen to everybody else’s opinion, but at the end, he truly values my input and makes choices based on our talks. Of course... sometimes he’s just stubborn and he doesn’t listen or agree with me at all - and then does whatever he wants. Again... Sonny and Michael, you see?

We believe in family, we believe in friends that become family as well. When we’re with our two best friends and their family, your Dad always says at the end of the day: “I love our family.” These two amazing families have been with us over the years and have lived with us all our ups and downs. When we have felt lost or alone, these are the ones that have stepped up and filled the void, without hesitation. We have confided in them all our fears, we have celebrated all our achievements together. The one thing that I love is that you actually talk about them all the time, they are part of your life. Sometimes you ask for them to come over, or to go to the beach with them. Of course, when you ask, they always come. They adore you and it shows.

As for the bad stuff? Sometimes we both are stubborn in our point of views and get stuck when arguing. It takes a lot of thinking and calming down until we can agree to talk to each other and being civil - but we do have that pact: we don’t let problems stay unfinished. Unfinished business is the key to an unsuccessful marriage, trust me. Compromise, understanding and sometimes even sacrifices can make everything better. The thing about marriage is that if you think it’s going to be perfect all the time, you’re in for the biggest reality check of your life - and if someone you know has the balls to say that their marriage is all flowers, puppies and beautiful moments, you might as well realize that they are lying, plain and simple.

We have learned from each other so much as well. I believe that he has learned to hold his temper and think things over before he talks, and that he knows that I will always “have his back”, as he loves to say. I think I’ve also taught him to focus on the end game and not the distracting minutiae that comes before it, to think things carefully instead of jumping to conclusions and the one I love the most: to try to be patient.

I have learned from him to be more assertive, to fight for myself more and don’t let people manipulate me; and I’m still trying to learn that I should “let things go”, to not worry so much about everything. One of his favorite lines in spanish is “En vez de preocuparte, ocúpate”; which means that instead of worrying about a problem, I just need to fix it. Another of my favorite lines from him is “Dale importancia a las cosas que lo merecen”, which means that I need to focus on the big prize and not the issues that don’t matter. I have always considered myself an “over-worrier”, so his point of view has helped me a lot on just letting things be. Whatever happens, happens. I need to let go of my need to control everything or be perfect for everybody else. I only need to be the best version of myself. That’s one of the best lessons your Dad has taught me.

True, real life marriage is like a roller coaster. You have the highest of highs and then come some hard core lows. The fun of the ride is that you enjoy it, that you hang on during the hard parts and at the end... you laugh about how fun the adventure was.

Te amo mucho, Mamá.

[thecoroutfitters]

Written by Guest Contributor on The Prepper Journal.

Editors Note: A guest submission from Red J to The Prepper Journal. As always, if you have information for Preppers that you would like to share and possibly receive a $25 cash award as well as being entered into the Prepper Writing Contest AND have a chance to win one of three Amazon Gift Cards  with the top prize being a $300 card to purchase your own prepping supplies, then enter today!

An Additional Editor’s Note: I need to point out that this is good information and that it should be read and considered from your own point of view and that is why I have decided to publish this guests post. As it pertains to methods of stocking up on prescription medications there are some legitimate issues you must consider. As presented your interactions with your medical professionals are between you and them. Most insurance companies will not authorize prescriptions for more than 30-days. Shopping alternative pharmacies is a practice oft used in the illicit drug trade and EXTREME caution is recommended here as this may indeed get you on a list you never, ever want to be on. Some meds HAVE TO BE REPORTED at the time of sale and this is built into the software that runs a pharmacy. They will ask for a valid ID and submit it to their systems. This is a touchy subject as human weakness and human greed and government control all come together to possibly produce the worst of all outcomes. TPJ

Like many middle-aged Americans, I have a number of health conditions and rely on the medical system to manage my health concerns.  So I am very concerned about making medical preps.  I expect that many people’s health will get worse in an extended grid-down situation.  Stress on everyone will be extremely high.  A nutritious diet and sufficient sleep may not be consistently available.  Such living conditions will make people more susceptible to common ailments such as cold, flu; http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2017/01/25/preparing-illness-shtf/ offers help for colds, flu, and a broken ankle.

Others will be more vulnerable and possibly life-threatening.  Imagine a COPD patient without her oxygen pump or a diabetic patient without his diabetic medicine, or someone with chronic pain who no longer has access to pain medicines.  Untreated high blood pressure will damage a person’s arteries, leading to buildup of plague, reducing blood flow and eventually heart attack, heart failure, or stroke.

Does anyone in your family or prepping group take medicine for arthritis, thyroid, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, heartburn or acid reflux, asthma, diabetes, depression and/or anxiety?  These are some of the most common American health issues.

This article will help you and your household or group make medical preps.

Stock up on OTC Products for Your Specific Conditions

I’m not going to recommend first aid items to stock because they can be found in http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2013/10/28/prepper-first-aid-finding-perfect-ifak-kit/ and http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2016/12/09/importance-medical-kit-preps/

These are somethings to stock for muscular pain or fibromyalgia – handheld massager, capzasin gel, salonpas patches, lidocaine patches, Stopain, Biofreeze.  Potassium tablets can also reduce muscular soreness.  A hot bath with Epsom Salt can also reduce muscular pain.  My pharmacist told me that Vitamin B-12 that’s dissolved under the tongue, can reduce nerve pain; it must be the kind dissolved under the tongue (sublinqual) and not swallowed.  An electric handheld massager can also help reduce muscle soreness; see below on how to prepare to use it after a grid-down disaster.

If you have diabetes, do you have an extra blood sugar monitor, spare battery, test strips, and alcohol swabs?

Will anyone in your family or group need a cane, crutches, walker, or wheelchair in the future?

How to Stock Extra Prescription Medicines

One way to stock up on your prescription medicines is to call in refills 4-5 days early.  Do this every month for 6-7 months, and you will have one extra month’s supply of your medicine.  I’ve been told that one can also do this with mail order prescriptions.  Exaggerating your symptoms may also get your doctor to prescribe a larger dose (or a battery of new and expensive tests). This ma result in allowing you to store the difference in doses.

Another way is to consider reducing your dose 1-3 days per week, and storing the difference.

Another way to stock up is to ask your doctor or PA (Physician’s Assistant).  Explain to him/her why you believe things will get very bad.  Depending on his/her response, ask if s/he would consider prescribing a larger dose.  Wait to do this until you have been seeing your doctor regularly for at least a year, to establish a trusting relationship.  Do not ask for extra opioids because of widespread concern about opioid abuse and addiction, and U.S. states are passing new laws making it harder for doctors to prescribe opioids.  As a patient, recognize that when you ask your doctor for extra medicine, you may actually be asking him/her to accept additional risk to his/her ability to continue practicing medicine.  So be discerning in what you request. There is a possibility he or she may have some pharmaceutical samples that they can dispense.

When I first considered asking my doctor for extra med, I was skeptical about ever finding a doctor who would agree to that.  So I didn’t ask for several years.  Then one day, I remembered that a doctor or PA is bound by doctor-patient confidentiality; so asking would not blow my OPSEC (operational security).  I thought the worst my PA could do was say no; what did I have to lose?  So I explained my reasons for believing things will get bad. My PA responded in an understanding manner and then asked me what I wanted, to my surprise.  Now I didn’t want to take advantage of his willingness to do so (and by that time, I had a good supply of most of my prescriptions); so I asked only for an extra dose of my diabetic medicine.

If your doctor agrees to this, I recommend going to a different pharmacy, one that does not have your insurance info in their system, and I would not give them your insurance info, as your insurance company will not approve a second dose and likely identify you as a possible unethical user (since those who abuse or sell their prescriptions often use more than one pharmacy.)

As you stock up on your prescription medications, keep them in a secure, discreet place in your home.  Do not tell friends that you have them or where they are.  If word gets out that you have a supply of prescription meds in your home, drug thieves may target your home.  A US military study showed that medications in pill form will last 15 years. (This is very general – as a lot of meds may require refrigeration or do have short potency life spans.) A medicine in capsule form will last 1-2 years, and liquid meds a year or less. You will want to keep some in your bugout bag and get home bag, rotating them periodically.

How to Power Electric Medical Equipment in a Grid-down Situation

Do you use a CPAP for sleep apnea?  Does someone in your group use a heating pad for arthritis or sore mucles?  Does anyone use a TENS unit or muscle stimulation unit for chronic pain?  Does a family member use an oxygen pump for a breathing ailment?  Does a disabled person use an electric scooter?

If electric medical equipment are to be used in an extended grid-down situation, plans must be made for an alternative power supply.  Options include wind power and water power, although most preppers choose a solar system.  http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2017/01/26/affordable-off-grid-solar-electric/ describes a solar power system that can be used to power electric medical equipment.

http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2017/01/26/affordable-off-grid-solar-electric/ describes a solar power system that can be used to power electric medical equipment.  http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2017/08/31/prepare-power-grid-outage/ offers guidance on setting up a solar system, a backup generator, and a supply of batteries.  You can also find portable solar battery rechargers on amazon.

http://www.theprepperjournal.com/2015/12/14/p3solar-dynamo-plus-review-backup-power/ is a review of a small portable solar system.  Look at your current and future needs for electrical power, and consider options before choosing one.

Physical Things You Can Do

When my PA recommended exercise a couple years ago, I chose to join a local gym and go 3 times a week.  I needed cardio exercise for my heart, exercises to strengthen my low back and core muscles, and weights to add some upper body strength.  Regular exercise has increased my energy, endurance, and strength. It has also improved my memory and quality of sleep.  I feel years younger.  My low back and hip problems meant I could not jog outdoors, but using an elliptical, step machine or stationary bike are low-impact cardio workouts.  Once I got past some initial muscle soreness (my PA recommended bananas and/or a potassium supplement), exercise makes me feel years younger.  To limit possible soreness when you begin exercising, ease into it; stop before you feel worn out.  Regular exercise can help you improve your health and prepare physically for the stresses of a disaster.

Exercise can reduce your chronic pain because exercise releases endorphins in your body that act as natural pain relievers.  If you suffer from low back pain, do some exercises to strengthen your low back and front core muscles; this will reduce your back pain by letting your muscles take some pressure off your spine.  I have found this to be true for my low back pain.

It is possible learn to do spinal adjustments on your own back, which will be important for those of us with spinal issues.  Here are some resources that show you how.

https://www.wikihow.com/Crack-Your-Back

https://www.wikihow.com/Do-an-Upper-Spinal-Rotation

https://healthfully.com/chiropratic-methods-can-do-yourself-5462972.html

As you make your medical preparations, consider the medical needs of your household or group.  What do you need now and in the next 3-5 years?  Customize your medical preps for you and those closest to you.  Hard times are coming.  Will you and your family or group be medically ready?

If you reply with a question, I will try to help, and maybe others can help too.

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The post Making Medical Preparations appeared first on The Prepper Journal.

from The Prepper Journal Don't forget to visit the store and pick up some gear at The COR Outfitters. How prepared are you for emergencies? #SurvivalFirestarter #SurvivalBugOutBackpack #PrepperSurvivalPack #SHTFGear #SHTFBag

[wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog]

Even Gigi Hadid gets body-shamed — Here's why it needs to stop

It’s pretty universally accepted that body-shaming isn’t OK, but unfortunately, people still do it — and sometimes in a very public way.

Gigi Hadid is the latest celebrity to speak out after being body-shamed, addressing people who claim she’s gotten “too skinny.” In a series of tweets on Sunday, Hadid answered people who have been calling her out for her weight, citing her battle with Hashimoto’s disease.

For those of you so determined to come up w why my body has changed over the years, you may not know that when I started @ 17 I was not yet diagnosed w/Hashimoto’s disease; those of u who called me “too big for the industry” were seeing inflammation & water retention due to that.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Over the last few years I’ve been properly medicated to help symptoms including those, as well as extreme fatigue, metabolism issues, body’s ability to retain heat, etc … I was also part of a holistic medical trial that helped my thyroid levels balance out.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Although stress & excessive travel can also affect the body, I have always eaten the same, my body just handles it differently now that my health is better. I may be “too skinny” for u, honestly this skinny isn’t what I want to be, but I feel healthier internally and (cont)

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

(cont) am still learning and growing with my body everyday, as everyone is.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

I will not further explain the way my body looks, just as anyone, with a body type that doesnt suit ur “beauty” expectation, shouldnt have to. Not to judge others, but drugs are not my thing, stop putting me in that box just because u dont understand the way my body has matured.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Please, as social media users & human beings in general, learn to have more empathy for others and know that you never really know the whole story. Use your energy to lift those that you admire rather than be cruel to those u don’t.

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) February 11, 2018

Hadid is not the only celebrity who has been body-shamed while struggling with an illness. Actress Sarah Hyland wrote on Twitter in May that she hasn’t “had the greatest year” and pointed out that her weight has fluctuated in the past as a result of a kidney transplant in 2012. However, she didn’t give specifics on whether that was linked to her current health issues. “I will say that this year brought a lot of changes and with that, physical changes,” she continued. “I am not a fan of ‘being skinny.’ Which many of you have told me that I am too much of. ‘Eat a burger,’ ‘your head is bigger than your body and that’s disgusting.’ And you’re right! I should eat a burger! ‘Cause they’re fucking delicious! But guess what. I do.” Hyland also said that she’d “basically been on bed rest for the past few months,” causing her to lose a lot of muscle mass. “My circumstances have put me in a place where I’m not in control of what my body looks like. So I strive to be as healthy as possible, as everyone should. Oh, and no, that’s not Photoshop. Those are my legs. Those are my arms,” she said. Hyland added that “no one should aim to be the weight that I am at right now” and that, while she’s not thrilled with the way her body looks, it’s due to her health—and she can’t please everyone.

My story as of now. Part 1. pic.twitter.com/6kWlnxgjIb

— Sarah Hyland (@Sarah_Hyland) May 24, 2017

In 2015, breast cancer survivor and E! host Giuliana Rancic told People that she was accused of having an eating disorder after a weight loss, which she attributed to a cancer-suppressing medication. “It’s really hurtful,” she said. “I’m sorry that some people think I’m disgustingly skinny, as they put it, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m lucky that I even have the type of cancer that reacts to the medicine.” She added that it’s hard for her to look in the mirror at times. “I am really thin,” Rancic said. “I want to look fit and beautiful and sexy, and I can’t.”

Of course, people have been body-shamed for gaining weight when they have an illness as well as for losing weight. In 2017, actress Sasha Pieterse revealed on Dancing with the Stars that she had gained nearly 70 pounds over two years due to polycystic ovary syndrome. “[It was] one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through,” she said at the time. “I had no idea what was going on, and I didn’t have any way of solving it.” Pieterse also said it was “really hurtful” when people would call her “fat” or assume she was pregnant. “They were angry. They were mad I looked like this,” she said. The actress also addressed the matter on Instagram in 2015.

To my incredible and loving fans, Words cannot express how amazed I am by you! I’m so thankful for the affection you have for me, Alison, and Pretty Little Liars! We/I wouldn’t be able to make it happen without you! I get to do what I love every single day because of you guys! As a lot of you have noticed my body has gone through some changes, and I want to clear the air and give you an explanation. I have been facing a bad hormone imbalance that has thrown my body completely out of whack. I want to assure you that I’m healthy and getting everything back on track! A big thanks to all of you who have been in my corner! We live in such a judge mental society that puts every kind of flaw, including weight gain, in the same category. And for those of you who are struggling with any health problem, hormone imbalance, and weight gain of any sort I urge and encourage you to please deal with it in a healthy manor. YOU and YOUR health are what matters, not anyone else’s opinions and assumptions of you. Getting healthy isn’t just about working out and eating right (however extremely important) it’s also about surrounding yourself with those who care about you and want to see you succeed and become the best you can be. I love every single one of you and I hold you all dear to my heart! Xoxoxox Sasha

A post shared by Sasha Pieterse (@sashapieterse27) on Jun 9, 2015 at 10:15pm PDT

  Clearly, body-shaming isn’t OK under any circumstances, whether someone is struggling with an illness or not. But it can be pretty difficult to deal with being shamed and deal with an illness at the same time, psychologist and body image expert Sari Shepphird, PhD, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. “It’s hard enough to feel like anyone can relate to you when you have a serious illness,” she says. “You already feel like you’re not yourself, and dealing with body-shaming can tear a person down tremendously.”

“In general, body-shaming ‘devalues’ people and reduces their self-worth down to their outward appearance,” Tom Hildebrandt, PsyD, chief of the Division of Eating Disorders at Mount Sinai Health System, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. If you’re struggling with an illness on top of that, it can make someone feel worse about themselves at a time when they may already be having difficulty with body changes they’re going through, he says — and that can lead to low self-esteem, depression, and problems with eating.

If you’re body-shamed, Hildebrandt recommends treating the comments like a racial slur — that is, something that’s incredibly offensive and wrong. For some reason, body-shaming is seen as somehow more acceptable than other forms of bullying, and it’s important to show people that it’s actually not. “People should be held accountable,” he says. “There’s no context where body-shaming is useful or healthy.”

If your body has changed due to an illness, you can mention that in your response to try to enlighten your critic, or not — it’s ultimately up to you, Jennifer Carter, PhD, a sports psychologist who specializes in eating disorders at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells Yahoo Lifestyle. However, some people use it as a teaching moment to educate people about their illness, which can have a profound effect on shamers — and even get some to apologize, she says.

But again, your response (or lack thereof) is your choice. “You have the right to your own body and to do what you please,” Shepphird says.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle: 

How to get over a person who ghosts you 

What is Hashimoto’s disease, the weight-related condition Gigi Hadid suffers from? 

Energy drinks are still killing kids in America

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