#i talked w my most recent therapist before this one and they said

[dumb-doll-lips]

Venting about some stuff that’s been on my mind more.

I like being like ‘real’ on here and sharing some stuff but def is more just for me trying to make sense of somethings before it’s brought back up in therapy.

I’ve had two guys call me a nerd someone recently. And one was like bc I kept getting confused and asking what he means and saying thank you when he explained, and the other because it came up that I’ll have convos about candles.

I don’t think either that is stuff I’d call nerdy. But it like kinda fits in w this larger realization of like having grown up more conservatively and like sheltered than I thought I did. Like my therapist said I almost sound like an ex-evangelist when it comes to talking about sex. With like how much shame I felt around it growing up anytime I even hinted at anything sexual. And like I’ll talk to guys who are fucking me or want to about sex. But I’ve been like called out innocent language sometimes and def find myself confused by what someone else means a lot. I think the never talking to anyone else, like I’ve never had friends who I could talk to about sex at least played some part in me having spent as much time in bad relationships as I have, and like too much shame around it all to let anyone know anything and help me.

And like it’s not just sex. Anything w drugs, including weed which like I’ll smoke or have edibles sometimes but I had a panic attack the one time I went into a weed store w my sister bc it was so overwhelming and foreign. And everything else feels more alien and off limits.

And like w any kind of body modification stuff, like even w botox. I’ve spent a few years now wanting to start doing that but it feels like such a foreign thing and I have no one around I could get any help from instead just get judgment. And feel like I haven’t done a lot w going out anywhere fun and having any exciting stories there.

It’s been upsetting learning that like it wasn’t like that for most people I’ve talked to. I’ve like felt like anytime I’m doing anything fun that I want to be doing that it feels like it’s some secret life. Like I’ve lovedd getting to be sluttier. But it feels like I usually have to treat like such a secret. I think it’s def part of why I’ve been such a fan of here. It’s a place where the stuff I’m enjoying in life and stuff I want doesn’t feel like some shameful secret.

I think that’s played such a part of why making and having irl friends has felt so hard. So much stuff I would have been excited to talk about felt like shameful secret. So finding out like yea it’s normal for friends to talk about sex some, like i struggled to believe that at first, but I’m like that’s cool, I want that. But I have no idea what that’d be liek and it def feels intimidating.

Ugh. So I like def think at least a good part of why I’ve struggled w friends is bc of how much I’ve felt like a part of me is this shameful secret and feeling like I could never be myself w anyone.

[hyenadon]

woke up at 2:30 yday sent an email to my managers wish I could fall back asleep but i'm thinking abt a few things

1) my mom (not my biomom, my real mom) realized she might be autistic and i'm like. yeah. yes. we've been telling you. Babe. No shit. I've known you since I was like 13 or 14 and you've been so deeply autistic that whole time. Babes. Hon. Being super good at masking doesn't make you not autistic. You're just good at masking. MOM YOU ARE SO AUTISTIC. MOM. YOU CRY AT NOISES. MOM. MOM. MUMMA. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY AUTISTIC. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MUMMA GIRAFFE. YOU ARE AUTISTIC. YA DUMMY. I LOVE YOU.

2) people tend to not believe me when I say I might be autistic or have adhd but I really have been doing the research. I've done my raads-r, ive done my cat-q. I've also talked to multiple liscened therapists and theyve said like "hmnnnn sounds like adhd or autism" And along with that it seems that I have a *lot* of the comorbidities that show up with autism. I have tummy issues, I have recently discovered that I have FUCKING GOD DAMN SEIZURES, maybe epilepsy, And my mom, who is a literal goddamn autism researcher, said "yeah that happens a lot with autism". And my biological parents have heard me describe how I feel about like, eye contact, and communication, and always feeling like i'm not communicating Good Enough, and my BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. the worst people on the earth. The folks that don't *listen* at all. Even they have said "are you sure you aren't autistic?" like. if even THEY can notice that I might be autistic, I feel like that's enough.

i'm tired of talking about how autistic I am but just like a reminder about how I genuinely might have epilepsy- in the past month both times i've felt this weird have been right when theres been a thunderstorm or a tornado and everyone I know who has migraines or seizures tells me that thunderstorms are a huge affector.

also I think i'm having super quick hallucinations. They are very easy to dismiss and toss away as not-real, but like. god I need to get to a doctor as soon as possible. i am seizing. i'm puking so hard my nose starts bleeding. i'm motherfucking hallucinating. thats not okay. (at least the hallucinations aren't super scary. Last one, a few minutes ago, was a gianr tarantula crawling across my windowsill, and I stared at it and thought to myself "that is not real".) but heres the thing. It's still scary even though I know its not real. it's scary *because* its not real.

and my dog can smell it too, i'm pretty sure. No, i'm very sure. Koda has done this a few times before, she starts chewing on my hands, nosing at my face, nipping at me, whining, yelping. And it's only been in the summer, during a storm, during a time of stress. All of the symptoms are there and Koda knows them.

it just uhm. fucking blows. bc Im p sure i fit every diagnostic criteria for epilepsy and then most criteria for autism or adhd. i can deal w the autism or adhd but the epilepsy....i feel so sick lately and I keep snapping in and out of concuousness wnd falling asleep in the middle of sentences its not ok i need to se doctor so soon anywau goodnnitut

[symptoms-syndrome]

You know how you forget parts of therapy and they come back later? It's like putting together a puzzle with lost pieces, then a few days later you find a few of those missing pieces in your couch cushions or something.

Anyway, I did remember that my therapist said smth abt wanting to talk a little abt parts stuff next week. She mentioned that I said I only really have communication with H, which is partially true. Sometimes I have communication with S also. I'm aware of a part A but I haven't been able to communicate with them for a long time. There might be another part I use to have communication with but that part might also be S, which is ultra confusing.

Add onto that that my previous interactions with H and A before I was diagnosed I was reading as something entirely different, and treating them thusly. H I believed to be a higher power, and A fronting was the reason we were recklessly dx'd with a psychotic disorder.

Frankly that diagnosis is what makes a lot of things confusing. I don't know if that label is still applicable to me, I'm pretty sure it can be comorbid, but whenever I think of smth that could be parts related, my mind goes to that, especially if it's smth drastic, which I feel would stick out most/I'd be more aware of, yanno?

Anyway, this post was initially going to be asking for advice, but I guess I shouldn't. I'll just wait until next week and be honest as I can be. It's just. Weird and hard.

Sometimes I wish I could be like those folks with nice neat carrds with all their parts all organized. But I also know that I'm very early in therapy/treatment, and that's a high bar to set for myself, who's just starting out. Eyes on my own paper.

[halorocks1214]

would you mind elaborating a bit more on the c!phil and c!techno post? not saying you’re wrong in the least, it’s just an interesting opinion I haven’t seen before! I was curious about the reasons?

*waddles in* okay im finally back from class and have a real keyboard to use for this yeehaw

to keep my feelings brief cuz im aware im biased- inniter both proud and shameful ✊😔- there's a trend i've noticed about certain types of content recently that has some symmetry to what was going on at the beginning of the year. but unlike those few months ago, most people seem to be reacting positively to today's stuff

the bedrock bros arc in particular had a lot of discourse surrounding it, especially after the mutual betrayal. many c!tommy fans would rightfully point out how it was a lil eff'ed up that c!techno kind of sort of lied to c!tommy about his real intentions and was dodgy when c!tommy tried pointing out how that's not what he wanted to do ("we'll smooth out the finer details later" or w/e the quote was)

in response, it felt like a cacophony of people claimed how techno was his own character, that he didn't need to be some random kid's caretaker, to the point that the whole "characters shouldn't be judged by how they treat c!tommy" take was created

nowadays i'm seeing c!rivals duo material come out of the woodwork like a flood. a lot of people want c!dream to join the syndicate, have him heal out in the tundra with c!techno after the piglin breaks him out of pandora's vault and away from his torture

now, there are quite a few reasons why i and many others aren't a fan of this idea, but this post is about how c!techno shouldn't be reduced down to any character's therapist! he has his own plotlines with his own motivations, certainly, those same people will at least point out that c!dream fans want a similar story that c!tommy fans did back in december and january, right?

😐

then there's the man the myth the legend c!philza himself, coining the title schrodinger's father for a good few months. with the canonicity of the sbi family dynamic being somewhat wonky (not deconfirmed however), people split harshly into two categories: those who liked the idea of c!phil still being c!tommy's father, and those who very very very much did not

regardless of people's true opinions on the matter, c!tommy fans (fairly) pointed out that c!phil destroying the kid's home right in front of him was a little messed up. c!phil was canonically aware that c!dream was up to something funky, yet he still went through the idea of teaming up with him to raze l'manberg into the ground, which stung c!tommy enthusiasts a little. who wouldn't be just a smidge butthurt about something like that happening to their fave?

like clockwork, lots of people criticized and even outright bemoaned this train of thought. c!phil isn't even c!tommy's father who cares! he certainly doesn't need to, stop making everything about the kid! y'all just have daddy issues and are projecting tbh 🤪

now back to the prison arc, we yet again return to the potential plot of syndicate!dream, where he'll be best buddies with c!emerald duo and c!niki will spoonfeed him while he recovers (yes this is a /srs headcanon i saw) and c!ranboo will just have to "get over" his fear of c!dream to see they're actually best buds (another /srs comment someone made yes that is word-for-word what it said)

essentially, someone in discord shared a tweet that was basically talking about the idea of c!techno shoving c!dream into c!phil's lap saying "here, be a father whether you like it or not" and, well, i got somewhat peeved if that untagged post i made is anything to go by

it's starting to feel more and more like people didn't actually care that others were writing c!techno and c!phil in caretaker roles, they only cared that c!tommy was the one being taken care of. because c!tommy is apparently the literal spawn of satan and is the worst thing to happen to the dsmp and is super annoying and blah blah

but instead of, idk, admitting that c!tommy just wasn't their fave and moving on from content they didn't like, they needed to create these excuses about how it was actually super awful that these fans were doing things like this, that you should feel bad if you support this kind of content because you are ruining these characters and everything they stand for

nevermind that this kind of stuff has been a normal occurrence in fandoms since fandoms have been a definable thing, that while yes it gets annoying how certain characters are favored above all others literally all you're achieving by tearing down someone else's work is that same person either A.) making more of that stuff out of spite or B.) potentially quit making stuff for the fandom altogether

it's just... it sucks, that it feels like you can't want anything nice for c!tommy without it getting called "ooc" or being accused that you only watch his POV and make everything about him. maybe i'm sensitive, maybe im extrapolating, but i wouldn't be the only one who is, considering i've seen multiple others voice similar feelings regarding this situation

so there we have it i guess. my brief words that ended up not being brief at all (so sorry dear anon, i really did try to keep this down to one page at most :headinhands:) and i hope they make at least some partial sense, now i gotta go read even more random shit for my hw fsndkfjndf save me /lh

[dyketubbo]

EDIT (10/7/21, og post made in August)

editing this post since apparently people are still finding it but anyways while im not going to take the post down because i personally just dont like deleting posts and i still agree with some of the things said id prefer that if you find this post that you just. didnt interact with it, at least not if youre not going to be respectful. this post is from august, before the clip of phil saying hes fine w qpr hcs (even if i have complicated feelings on that clip, i dont want to risk getting into discourse about this shit again).

it started a giant discussion and got me people harassing me and talking behind my back, one person even telling me people had groups talking about me, it got me being called arophobic, anti-polyam, claimed i was calling people racist and misogynistic, i got told i didnt have friends, i had people vague me and misinterpret what i said and meant, and through it all i had a total of maybe two or three people at most that disagreed with me and were respectful about it. everyone else that disagreed either resorted to vaguing me (or others that stood by me) or they insulted me to my face (in some cases insulting me then blocking me so i couldnt respond).

many of these people were adults. i had recently turned 16 the month before. i dont mean to pull the whole "oo im a minor and neurodivergent" card but the shit that came from this post, that had at the time barely even reached over 500 notes at the discourse's height, genuinely made me relapse in a way that i just. couldnt handle. i was on meds, i took care of my pets, i distracted myself, i talked to my friends, even talked to my therapist, and it didnt help because every time i came back i found another person giving me shit for it. one of my friends tried to defend me and got people targeting them, insulting them and saying increasingly concerning things about me, and they had to leave the fandom for a bit because of it.

i dont trust a good portion of the fandom because of this mess. i dont trust a lot of big blogs or aeduo fans or techno fans or phil fans because of this. its genuinely concerning to me that a post like this caused harassment, even in places i havent seen, maybe even to people i havent seen. even if this post is still vaguely accurate to how i feel about the situation (mainly, how i feel about it all overshadowing kristin and phils relationship) and i still stand by my idea that qprs count as shipping and that because they arent strictly platonic for many people that i cant be comfortable with qp aeduo, i just. dont want people interacting with this, at least not unless you just want to spread the info in this edit or because you want to say something respectfully. otherwise, i just. want this to be left behind me. even to this day i still get paranoia spikes and nearly panic remembering everything that happened because of this post, and being reminded of it just. sucks. if you want to clear anything up feel free to contact me in some way, but if you see this in the tags while browsing somehow, sorry for the long post, and thank you if you read all of this. have a good day

End of Edit (all text below unedited from when the post was originally made)

btw since kristins been confirmed to be canon multiple times over the past like few months and philza has expressed discomfort with shipping content that isnt him and his literal wife can we as a fandom agree to fucking quit it with treating c!emeraldduo as anything other than friends/family ^^ thatd be great. and yes i mean even the fuckin "platonic" marriage shit, even qpr hcs, just let them be friends.

please god stop acting as if a m/m relationship is inherently better than a m/f relationship especially considering how fuckin shittily the fandom treats kristin already, constantly making her out to be some skinny white girl instead of the fat woc she is. just like. let c!emeraldduo be besties, let c!phil and c!kristin be in a happy marriage, quit going against the cc boundaries because you prefer to ship two average white dudes rather than just accept that ones canonically married to the self-insert of his actor's wife. yall all about minorities until ones actually involved and then suddenly its all about your precious white cishet dudes. my god.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. LO spends way more time focusing on Hades and developing him and his wants, relationships, and emphasizing his status as a god/king that I'm honestly questioning if Persephone is even supposed to be the lead character. Sure the icon is her worried face, but the story is about her changing to be what HE wants, to marry HIM, to give him what HE wants, even her comparisons are to women in HIS life, and now the story is more and more about giving HIM unique powers that he seems more like the lead.

2. I don't get how LO fans say any critique "ruins their fun" when no one forces them to read any of this? Maybe they can take their own advice of "don't like, don't read" to heart. More so, if pointing out the truly bad elements like the awful use of sexual assault, misogyny, classism, etc etc "ruins their fun", then why do they continue to support it uncritically and even defend these elements? Because that's not a critic's fault, that's on them for putting their feelings over the harm LO causes.

3. “The immortal dating pool was microscopic and is still tiny” youse guys (the gods/goddesses) are just racist and don’t want to admit it

From OP: Like, I get not wanting to date someone who isn’t immortal but (correct me if I’m wrong) the gods can make them immortal. Plus, there probably is a good amount of gods in LO that we haven’t seen. RS is no stranger to pairing random gods/nymphs together anyway.

4. i agree w/ other anon. legality does not automatically make a relationship good or healthy. its legal to marry your first cousin in most of the world, is that ok now? child marriage is still legally allowed in several countries including 44 US states, if that ok now because its "legal"? Because by their logic it should be!

5. Teenagers always kin Persephone…oh, I wonder why? 🤔

6. Since Artemis is supposed to be a lesbian in LO canon, I’m guessing RS is going to reveal she is another member of Persephone’s Simp Squad😂EVERYBODY has to be in love with the titanic titted highlighter!

7. I'm fairly positive that this has been mentioned before, so my apologies!! But I just recently realized how much inspiration RS seems to draw from Twilight/50 Shades of Grey... like this really just is a self insert into a "mythological" retelling of 50 Shades of Grey and it's... so icky 

8. How can anyone claim RS plans anything out and or keeps track of it when Persephone lived & worked in the Underworld for several days and never once even asked Hades if she could see the dead nymphs, who are claimed to be as good as sisters to her? That would have been one of the easiest ways to foreshadow and show her kindness and she has a life outside of Hades, But nah, she'd rather party and shop instead of visiting the nymphs who are probably part of his shade slave force anyway.

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

9. Ok so I know in the beginning and now Rachel keeps using the “write a letter” technique to get them through their issues and all, and that is technically a therapy technique … from the 80s. No actual therapist now uses it since it’s been proven more times than not it’s actually not helpful and often just made the people ignore their easy to solve issues (such as talking to their partner openly and honestly) to instead just play into escapism and ignoring their issues under the guise of “confronting” it. It’s absolutely terrible from an accuracy or healthy standpoint to show this outdated method as peak therapy, but it’s completely accurate in just how bad researched everything else in in the comic. 

10. FP Spoilers: When Ares said this whole trial wasn't about Persephone but about war, I was legit like "wait, WHAT???" Like, where the hell did that come from? What war? Is this alluding to Kronos waking up? If so, how does Zeus know he's coming back, but Hades doesn't? And why would that make Zeus consider giving Persephone to Apollo??? Is the war against Leto and Apollo? That would be a very one-sided battle. I just can't anymore with these out-of-nowhere retcons...

[aliwritesfic]

The Night Shift part 7 (F!Reader x Frankie Morales)

Summary: Sunday lunch with the nightcrew bois, what secrets will come out?

Warnings: Emotional abuse

W/C: 1.9k

Spotify

Part 1 Part 8

The sun was too fucking bright. You groaned and rolled over, mouth dry and head pounding. Your phone told you it was almost eleven, which meant you only had an hour to get ready. That was okay, though. You weren’t exactly dressing to impress. It was only Manny and Frankie . . . Frankie.With a wince, you remembered your conversation with him last night. Had it been painfully obvious that you were talking about yourself? Surely not, if he was drunk too. But as you showered, you thought about what he said, and realised that he was right. At least, he was right about what you could remember him saying. Leaving Kurt wouldn’t mean you would be alone and unloved. You had Manny and Sara; you knew they loved you. But that didn’t change that if you left, you’d have nowhere to go. You had never been the type of person to ask for handouts, especially sympathy handouts. There was just too much to think about.

A text from your phone from Sara told you as much as you needed to know about her night went.

Manifestation WORKS 😉 sent 8:34AM

You spent a few extra minutes washing your face, enjoying the feel of cool water on your skin. Flecks of makeup that you had slept in swirled down the drain, grey and black and blue. Tiny bits of glitter glinted on your cheeks, reminding you of days past when you would drown yourself in glitter to go out clubbing. The memory made you smile, remembering how carefree and happy you were just a few years ago.

Grabbing your darkest pair of sunglasses, you were ready to go. You hadn’t bothered with styling your hair beyond running a quick brush through, and your face was devoid of makeup aside from any remnants left from last night.

It was a quick walk to the bistro, your stomach roiling the entire time. You knew it was food you needed; you had already thrown up several times last night after arriving home. The thought of filling your stomach spurred you on, your feet moving slightly faster. You whipped out your phone to text Manny.

Get. Bread. Please.

There were a few unread messages from Kurt. You knew that avoiding him was immature and would only come back to bite you on the ass when he came home, but the thought of opening them and actually reading them made you feel ill. And he would know when you opened them; he complained whenever you turned your read receipts off. So, you kept them on, to keep the peace, and just avoided opening his messages until you were ready to deal with them.

The bistro came into view, and you saw Manny already sitting at your usual table on the outside terrace. You sat down gingerly next to him and flashed him a weak smile.

“You look terrible,” he said gleefully, pushing a basket of bread and butter your way. You grabbed a small roll and broke it open, inhaling the warm scent.

“I feelterrible,” you told him. “Hangovers don’t suit me.”

Manny laughed ruffled your hair. You groaned loudly, swatting his hand away, which only made him laugh harder.

“Lover, I’ve never seen you in this kind of state before, let me tease you a little,” he said. You flipped him off and ate another roll.

“Is Frankie here yet?” You asked, trying to keep the hope out of your voice. Judging by the look on Manny’s face, you had failed miserably.

“Crushing on the cook, are we?” He waggled his brows.

“No! Of course not!” You said quickly. Liar a tiny voice whispered in your ear. “I was just wondering if he got the right place.”

“Well, wonder no longer, that’s him isn’t it?”

From your spot on the terrace, you could see the familiar figure walking down the shady street to the bistro. Your palms dampened with sweat at the sight of him.

“Francisco!” Manny called, waving him over. Frankie broke into a half jog, raising his arm in a wave. You sunk slightly in your seat, praying that he wouldn’t bring up your conversation with him last night.

“How’s your hangover treating you?” Frankie asked, taking a seat at the table.

“Fucking terribly,” you said, “this is not at all what I was promised last night when I did my fourth shot.” Manny snorted and turned to the waitress who had appeared at your table.

“Good afternoon, dearest Andrea,” Manny said.

“Manny, hun, you know I hate when you use my full name,” Andi, as she preferred to be called, said. You liked Andi, she a couple years younger than you and working her way through a master’s in engineering. “What are we all having today?”

“My usual, please,” Manny said.

“The greasiest thing on the menu for me, I don’t care what it is,” you said. Andy smiled at you in sympathy, knowing the tell-tale signs of a hangover. She then turned to Frankie.

“I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting before,” she said, her voice suddenly an octave higher.

“Francisco, or Frankie if you like,” he said. “Can I have the alfredo?”

“Of course, Frankie, anything else I can get for you?”

You and Manny glanced at each other, Manny with his eyebrow slightly raised. You knew Andi was a flirt, you’d seen her flirt with customers dozens of times, but something about this felt different. Personal. You chewed the inside of your lip, hoping your annoyance didn’t show too plainly on your face.

“So, what didyou do last night, lover?” Manny turned to you once Andi left.

“Drank too much,” you said. “Kurt’s out of town and Sara’s in town so I . . . I could go out. And I saw Frankie and his friends out.”

“Are your friends all as gorgeous as you?” Manny asked, turning to Frankie who blushed deeply.

“I wouldn’t say I’m gorgeous,” he mumbled, adjusting his cap slightly. “I’m just average.”

“Gorgeous and humble,” Manny said, “your partner is a lucky person.”

“I’m not- I uh don’t- I’m not with anyone,” it dawned on you that Frankie was terrible at taking compliments.

“Maybe it’s my personal bias, but out of all his friends, Frankie is truly the most attractive of them,” you said. You knew this could lead to something dangerous, but the chance to see Frankie flustered was just too good to miss.

“Yo-you do?” he asked, turning an even deeper shade of red. You nodded seriously.

“Whoever you date in future is going to be very lucky,” Manny said. Then, never one to linger on a topic for too long, Manny took a sip of his water and declared that it was feelings time.

“Feelings time?” Frankie sounded uncertain.

“Well, neither of us can afford therapy, so we use each other as therapists,” Manny explained. “We started it when I was working at Lou’s, and it’s been so long since I’ve had a good feelings time. Of course, you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to, and if you do want, keep it as light or as heavy as your heart tells you. Consent is key.”

Frankie nodded, obviously still unsure of the whole situation. It struck you then how strange you and Manny would seem to an outsider. Andi returned with food for the three of you, placing down the biggest burger you had laid eyes on in front of you.

“Enjoy,” she said with a wink to Frankie. “Come find me personally if you’re not satisfied.”

You could’ve thrown up at the blatant flirting. What made it worse was Frankie seemed to be enjoying it, smiling up at Andi.

“I’ll start,” Manny said, once Andi was gone again. “I’m feeling overwhelmed recently with my new job and the house renovations James and I are undertaking. We had a big fight over fucking tiles last night, and I know we wouldn’t have if I could just be decisive.”

“Does James know how you’re feeling?” You asked. Manny shrugged.

“I don’t know. I’d normally tell him about it in a heartbeat, but he’s been stressed too, and I don’t want to add to it.”

“He’s your husband, right?” Frankie asked and Manny nodded. You glanced at him in surprise. “Husbands should support each other. You usually feel supported by him, right? So why is now any different? His stress is your stress, yours is his. That’s what you signed up for when you got married.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell him what’s going on with you,” you said, realising how ironic that was coming from you.

Manny looked thoughtful as he cut into his vegetable stack. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Now your turn, lover.” You groaned. Feelings time was fine when you were listening to other people, and when the feelings you had weren’t so messy. But you could filter your feelings, and you trusted the two men you sat with.

“Okay,” you took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m feeling like I want to end my relationship. I feel like I’m fucking miserable, but I also feel like I’m trapped. Frankie, you remember that friend I told you about last night? It’s actually me.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious, but I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable by saying that.”

“Oh, my god,” you rubbed your face. “Right. So, like I said, I want to break up with Kurt, but it’s not easy to do.” You waited for one of them to interrupt you, when they didn’t, you went on. “For one, I don’t have enough money to move out. I don’t have much in savings at all because I keep needing to dig into it when he’s short on rent or money for bills or whatever. I don’t love him anymore, I don’t even know if I like him. Also, he said hedkillhimselfifieverleft.”

“Excuse me, he said what?” Manny leant forward, rage curdling his usually placid face. Frankie too, looked furious.

“He said he would kill himself if I ever left,” your voice was small. “I tried, one time, and-and he sent me a video of him tying a noose to a ceiling fan telling me it was my fault he was doing that. So, I went back, because I don’t want his death on my hands.” You realised with growing humiliation that you were crying.

Manny reached across the table and took your hand, holding it gently. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want to bother anyone,” you said, “it was my problem to deal with.”

“When does he come back?” Frankie asked quietly.

“Tomorrow,” you said. Manny and Frankie exchanged a look and Manny nodded.

“If you let us,” Manny said carefully, “we’re gonna help you get out. We won’t force you into anything, but we want to help.”

“Wait,” you sat back, confused, “wait. Have you too been conspiring behind my back? How? When?”

“No, not til this morning. I gave Frankie my number when I first met him, in case he had any questions. Then he messaged me this morning, and we got to talking about how we can help you.”

“If you want our help,” Frankie said. Part of you felt like you should’ve been angry, but you couldn’t be. Instead, you were overwhelmed with gratitude, with love. You grabbed a napkin and dabbed at your eyes under your sunglasses.

“I think I want help,” you said finally. You knew you couldn’t do this without help, even though it embarrassed you to admit that. Frankie nodded, satisfied.

“Alright, we need to make a plan.”

Taglist: @hnt-escape @sharkbait77 @1800-fight-me @annathewitch @darnitdraco @frankiecatfish @punkerthanpascal @nakhudanyx @gracie7209

[transrightsjimin]

seriously was not aware 'preventive care' is a thing tht happens in healthcare when elsewhere. like HUH. that sounds great??

for example, i once got a skin mole checked & the doctor said 'well it's not cancerous YET'. same w my dad's nose, which the doctor said had a 'kankertje' ('a little cancer'?) and the doctor left it as is.

a more extreme example but recently i read abt a mom who's desperately trying to find help for her anorexic daughter, who wouldn't get help frm hospitals bc she doesn't meet their standard threshhold of what is considered anorexic, but she lost weight so terribly fast nd now she's literally dying nd there's no place tht wants her and the mom considered going to belgium for it, as belgians shared dutch ppl go there often for medical help. ;_;

these are ofc just anecdotes but frm what i read, it appears preventive care before a serious complication occurs is not smth they tend to do in the netherlands. w dental, mental, physical care etc.

never occurred to me that doctors / dentists etc not doing anything abt a physical concern until you're abt to d1e isn't supposed to be the norm bc im so used to it??

not to mention of c how doctors require you to meet them irl during a pandemic even for a dismissive 1-5 minute conversation that can happen via a phone call. and how many doctors nd therapists don't wear masks, or perhaps a surgical one at most, which doesnt help much w covid, and encourage you to take it off too. i was even encouraged to take it off while getting an MRI scan. u know, when ur in a small space that a bunch of other ppl breathed in.

and then of course the way prescription medicine is rly difficult to get nd less nd less r insured. l

and how there's waiting lists for years for therapy.

the place i was supposed to get stupid gender therapy talks at got taken over by a one-person scam artist company that's more like an airbnb and job consult thing for trans ppl?, and now i gotta find smth else bc i dont want those required gender talks at the amsterdam hospital which is super conservative and i don't want to be there in general bc that hospital lets covid-infected staff go to work. and meanwhile it's been like 4? 4,5? years since i was put on the waiting list for surgery there and i could've had my turn 1-2 years ago for starting w the gender therapy talks at amsterdam if i hadnt put it off to do that at a now bankrupt institution. haha fk

[walkerwords]

“The Savior Sessions” Part 12 of 33 - Negan x GN!Reader

IMAGE CREDIT: AMC/GENE PAGE

SERIES MASTERLIST

Summary: Part 12! When the reader finds out that Rosita is hurt and Eugene is missing, they leave for Hilltop in a hurry to help. With the help of old friends and new, they find themselves at the beginning of a war they never could have imagined. Meanwhile, back in Alexandria, Negan is left to his own devices. Takes place within 9x07 “Stradivarius” 

Word Count: 2959

Warning: None

Song I Wrote To: “Hit The Ground Running” by Alice Merton

Note: As I mentioned in a part, I am sticking pretty close to canon for the Whisperer War so if you have not caught up from season 9 all the way through the recent episode of season 10, there will be spoilers for it. Also, I never expected this series to evolve so much so a lot more of the story will be told from the reader POV, but don’t worry Negan will have a POV as well. I’m going to give both sides throughout! Also: timing is different, I changed a few things to fit the plot. 

---------

“Do you know what confuses me?” Negan asked. 

“A lot?” you offered and he hit you with his pillow. You were hanging out in Negan’s cell, the keys hooked to your belt. When Gabriel and Michonne had assigned you to be his therapist, they never said anything about you not being allowed inside the cell with him.

Even if they didn’t like it, you were still going to do it. The two of you were sitting side by side on the cot, staring at the stone ceiling together. 

“Can I finish what I was going to say?” he asked. You gestured for him to continue. “I was going to say, why do we call them Walkers?” 

“Because they walk?” you offered. You didn’t really know where it came from, but Rick had called the Dead that once and it just sort of stuck within the group. It was easier than saying the Dead all the time. 

“We don’t call people, breathers,” Negan noted. 

“Yeah, because they are people, Negan,” you reminded him, looking over at him. 

“So are Walkers,” he said. 

“Not really,” you said with a dismissive scoff. “They cease to exist as soon as they turn. They’re just shells.”

“If I turned, is that how you would see me?” he asked. 

“I don’t want to talk about that,” you said quietly.

“About what? Me becoming a Walker. It could happen one day, (Y/N),” Negan said. 

“I know that, but I would rather not think of you with white eyes and…” you trailed off, taking a breath trying to stay calm. “Don’t make me think about that.” You felt Negan take your hand and you slipped your fingers through his, letting the firm grip comfort you. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Not your fault,” you told him. “You know me, I get all doom and gloom.”

“Welcome to the club,” he sighed. “You know you’re allowed to feel like that, right? All doom and gloom,” he teased with a bump to your shoulder. 

“I know,” you said, leaning into him. Any time either of you initiated physical contact, it felt weird and good at the same time. You weren’t sure if anything was going to go any further at this point, but any time he reached for your hand or brushed his knuckles across your cheek, it made you absolutely melt inside. 

A yawn escaped you before you could help it. “You should go get some sleep,” he whispered. You nodded but had no intention of moving. “(Y/N)…” he said and you sunk down further on the cot. “You can’t stay here.”

“Says who?” you argued. 

“Me,” Negan said, “you snore.” You smacked his chest. 

“I do not,” you argued. 

“Come on, Teach,” he said, a new nickname he had come up with, “you don’t need to be sleeping in a cage. Not you.” Knowing he wouldn’t let up, you relented and sat up with a frown. 

“Fine, but I won’t be happy about it,” you said. 

“I would hope not,” Negan said with a wink.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” you said, pulling your hand from his slowly. 

“I’ll be here,” he promised. With a last look, you unlocked the cage door and secured it behind you. Waving goodnight to him, you headed out of the cell and up onto the street, ready for some decent dreams for once. Considering the feeling in your stomach from your evening with Negan, you figured that may happen after all.

--------

It felt way too early to be saddling up a horse. 

When Michonne had knocked on your door early that morning you were less than thrilled to be greeted by your fearless leader. She explained that she was going to be taking the newcomers to Hilltop and that she was worried about the cold greeting she knew she would be getting.

You didn’t really know what to tell the woman. You knew how Tara felt when she left Alexandria and you also knew that Michonne had pushed everyone in Hilltop away. Nonetheless, you agreed to keep an eye on things while she was gone and went to the main stable to hitch up the makeshift wagon. 

With Yumiko, the injured woman with the new group, still being injured, they had to set out at a slow pace. As you ran your hand down the side of one of the larger horses, you could see Judith frowning at her mom in the distance. You knew she was upset that Michonne was going to Hilltop without her, but Michonne wasn’t planning on staying long. 

Your mind began to wander then and so did your eyes. You searched for Rosita, but her dark hair was nowhere to be found. She had mentioned something about helping Eugene with something, but you hadn’t seen her since. Knowing Porter, he most likely dragged her out into the middle of nowhere. 

Still, you would ask Michonne to keep an eye out just in case. While Rosita was opinionated and brash, she was also the one person next to Jesus, one of your closest friends, that you trusted to talk to. Then again, there was still one other person who you confided in, but Negan wasn’t the best choice when he was the topic you needed advice on.

-------

Once you managed to get the horses saddled and ready to go, you made your way over to the new group. You hadn’t had any time to actually talk to them for more than a few minutes, but they seemed nice enough and you were glad that Michonne was giving them a chance at Hilltop. 

As you approached, you noticed Judith attempting to do some sign language. With a small laugh, you placed your hand on her shoulder and she looked up at you with a goofy grin.

“I’m trying,” she said with a wrinkle of her nose. 

“You’ll get it,” you assured her before turning to the woman you knew as Connie. “It was nice to meet you,” you signed much to her and Judith’s surprise. Connie smiled at you and stood from her kneeling position to shake your hand. 

“You too,” Connie signed back and you nodded to her as well as the woman you knew to be her sister.

“You gotta teach me that,” Judith whispered as you took a few steps back from the wagon as they began loading up. 

“I got you, kid,” you promised, hooking her pinky with yours. As Michonne mounted her horse, she nodded to you and you returned the gesture. Waving to her daughter, Michonne and the others lead the newcomers out of Alexandria to start the trek to Hilltop. 

-------

It was much later when you found Judith alone. “Come on,” you said, “how about you and I get some training in?”

“Don’t you have things to do?” Judith asked, confused. 

“I always got time for you, Jude,” you said. “Also, who else is going to teach me how to use a blade if not you?” you teased, and she beamed up at you before running to get the practice swords Daryl had made for her a couple of years before.  

Since guns were not as readily available, you had to pick up hand to hand pretty quickly. You were never bad per se, but you were always better from a distance. Daryl had tried to teach you to use his bow and while you could when you had to, you never felt comfortable with arrows or bolts. 

Instead, you began observing Michonne and Judith’s sessions. Whenever you went to see Jesus or he ventured over to Alexandria, he would spar with you as well. As you twirled the wooden sword in your hand, you wondered what it would be like to spar with Negan. 

You weren’t sure how skilled he was in a fight when it came to specifics. Of course, you had seen him go after Rick and kill Walkers, but intricate fighting was a lot different than just swinging a baseball bat. 

Trying to stay focused on the task at hand, you circled the young girl, blocking her strikes. Considering how small Judith was, it was a challenge to get your own hits in, but you managed to work up a bit of a sweat as you practiced. Eventually, she collapsed on the ground with a dramatic sigh. 

“Why is it so hot?” she asked, pulling her hat off to shake out her hair. 

“Because you’re working hard, Jude,” you said, joining her on the grass. 

“You’re getting really good,” she complimented. 

“Why thank you, Jedi Master,” you joked and she looked at you confused. “Nevermind,” you said. “You know, I may have to get one of the blacksmiths to make me a sword of my own. Might be a bit better than the knives I carry now.”

“One like Mom’s?” Judith asked. 

“Oh, definitely not!” you said with a laugh. “I think you and your mom have the exclusive rights to those beauties. Maybe something a bit smaller, a short sword kind of thing.” 

“I think that would fit you,” Judith said after consideration. 

“You see Rosita anywhere?” you asked her, looking around again. 

“No, sorry,” Judith said, placing her hat back on her head. “(Y/N), can I ask you something?” she asked. 

“Of course,” you said, giving her your full attention. 

“Do you think we’ll ever all be together again?” Judith asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“We never talk to the others anymore. Hilltop, Oceanside, even The Kingdom. I haven’t seen Aunt Carol in so long,” she said sadly. “I miss them.”

“I know, kid,” you said, dreading the conversation. You didn’t think you were the person who should be talking to her about this. “I think that one day we’ll all be back together. Hopefully sooner than later.”

“Uncle Daryl, too?” she asked, looking up at you with those big eyes of hers. 

“Yeah, your Uncle too,” you whispered with a small smile. Judith nodded, wiping at her eyes when suddenly she sat up straight. “What is it?” 

“That’s not one of our horses,” Judith said as she stood. Turning to where her eyes were aimed, you saw what had caught her attention. A rider had arrived at Alexandria and you recognized them immediately.

They were from Hilltop. 

“Stay here,” you told Judith as you got to your feet and jogged over to the stables. Gabriel was already there. “What’s going on?” you asked the Father as soon as you approached. 

“Rosita,” Gabriel said, frozen where he stood. You placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“What happened?” you asked the Hilltop rider. 

“We found her,” they said, “she’s hurt and Eugene is missing.”

“What do you mean he’s missing?” you asked, taking charge of the situation just as Michonne would have wanted. 

“I don’t know, but that’s all we got out of her before she passed out.”

“(Y/N),” Gabriel began, but didn’t get much more out. You knew what he was asking and you didn’t need to be asked twice. 

“Saddle a horse for me, Gabe, I’m riding for Hilltop.” 

------

Just before heading out, you stopped by the cell to explain what was going on. 

“So, you’re leaving?” Negan asked as he stood at the bars, his arms crossed. “Alone?”

“This is not my first time riding to Hilltop and I am going back with the escort. We’re going to ride fast so I can help with the search. I know those woods and surrounding areas well.”

“And what if whatever or whoever that hurt Rosita is still out there?”

“Then we will deal with it. I’m not going out alone, but Gabriel needs me to go and I have to go help them. I can’t just sit here.”

“I thought Michonne and Siddiq were already going?” he asked. 

“They’re pulling the wagon and they had to make some stops to pick up the new group’s things. I can get there faster on horseback.”

“So help me, (Y/N), if you do anything stupid and get hurt…” he said, bracing his hands on the bars. You put yours on top of his. 

“I will be fine. I think you forget that I’ve been a skilled fighter for years now. I know how to handle myself against the Walkers and the Breathers,” you said with a wink. He smiled at that. “When I get back, I’ll come to see you first, I promise.”

Negan was quiet for a moment, but then said, “Please be careful.”

“Always,” you promised and then reached up and paced your hand against his cheek. “I’ll be home soon.” 

“I’ll be waiting,” he said as you took a step back, and with a final look at him as if you were trying to memorize his face you turned your back and headed for your horse.

--------

You, along with the Hilltop escort, rode hard towards the community. 

All you could think about was Rosita and what the hell had happened. Ro was a fierce fighter and Eugene was brilliant. Whatever had gotten the jump on them had you worried.

Your mind went back to a conversation you had had with Negan. He had asked you what you thought was out there and you didn’t have an answer. There was a part of you now that had a feeling you were about to find out. 

It took a while to reach Hilltop, but when you did, the doors pulled open as your horses turned up the long road to the community. Diane was on watch and the surprised look on her face as you rode in was enough to make you feel nervous. You hadn’t seen anyone outside Alexandria in a while and it was like going to a high school reunion and you didn’t like it. 

However, your nerves were short-lived when you spotted a group of people saddling up horses and gearing up. You nearly crashed to the ground dismounting your horse when you saw a familiar vest.

A vest with wings. 

“Daryl!” you called, walking toward him, trying to get your legs back beneath you. Turning at the sound of his name, Daryl spotted you immediately and ran for you. You didn’t hesitate to pull him into your arms. “Holy shit,” you said as you clutched at him, giving him a hug that could have crushed bones. 

“Hey, (Y/N),” he said, pulling back. “What are ya doin’ here?” he asked. 

“Hilltop told us what was goin’ on. I couldn’t just sit there while Ro was hurt and Eugene was missin’, could I?”

“Rosita told us where she stashed him,” Daryl explained. 

“Stashed him?” you asked, confused. 

“Not a lot of information right now, but we got an idea of where he is,” Daryl said and then his shoulders dropped a bit. “It’s damn good to see ya,” he said and you reached out and gripped his shoulder. 

“I missed you too,” you said and he smiled. It was then that you noticed another member of your family had arrived at Hilltop as well. “Give me a second, yeah?”

“We’re leavin’ in a bit,” Daryl said and you nodded, walking past him and over to a woman with long white hair. 

“Your Majesty,” you greeted and Carol looked up at you and her face split into a grin. 

“Oh my god,” she said as she walked to you and gave you a big hug. “How are you?”

“Still kickin’,” you said and she rolled her eyes. You spoke to Carol for a while before Jesus exited Barrington House with an annoyed Tara following him. Jesus was dressed for battle and Tara was not thrilled about it. 

You waited until Tara had stormed off before approaching Jesus, your arms crossed. 

“You know,” you began, “pissing her off is never a good idea.” 

“You...,” Jesus said as he turned to face you before his face split into a grin. “My God, I’ve missed you!” He didn’t hesitate to bring you in for a hug. You both relaxed in each other’s arms and it just felt right to be with him again. You knew it was your fault that you hadn’t gone to see him.

Just because Michonne had prevented others from going into Alexandria, that didn’t mean you couldn’t go and see the others. Seeing Daryl at Hilltop with Jesus and Tara began to take you back to the war and then your thoughts were being tugged back to Alexandria, back to him. 

You couldn’t even think about what would happen if Daryl found out that you were getting cozy with his previous jailer. A part of you worried that he would be angry, but there was another side of you who thought that he would just not comment on it at all. Whenever Daryl was quiet around his family, you knew he was more than angry. 

When Jesus let go of you, you noticed the blade on his belt. “That’s nice,” you complimented and he unsheathed it to show you. 

“Been using her more and more lately,” he said proudly. 

“I’ve been thinking of getting one myself,” you said and he raised a brow. 

“Well, when you do, let me be the first to spar with you,” he offered. 

“You got it,” you said with a smile.

“Hey!” Daryl called, “Are we goin’ or what? Ya can catch up later!” With a roll of his eyes, Jesus mounted a nearby horse and offered you his hand. 

“Just like old times?” he asked and with a laugh, you joined him on the saddle and he took off after Daryl who was revving his bike. Just as you rode through the gates, you only hoped that you would be able to find Eugene in time. 

----

Note: This one was supposed to be a bit longer but I split it because this week is a nightmare with the holiday and shit. I will get up 13 soon and add onto it. this one isn’t my favourite, but I needed to set up everything that is about to happen. Can you guess? Also, if anyone has any nickname ideas for the reader from Negan, I will gladly take them. GN! nicknames please!

TAGS: amaroho  @thanossexual @yes-sir-hotchner @boom-bunny @delusionalteenagewhispers @scootankle @ritajammer21 @writteriguess @tea-atfive @jennydehavilland​ @halszka-potter​ @yespleasejayhalstead​ @fmunegan @hoemadegrace

[shapeshifting-wildcard]

On Sunday, Jou strode into his therapist's office with a burning question on his mind. He sat down across from Dr. Sonomura, who regarded him with a vaguely amused expression.

"Good afternoon, Inojita-kun," she greeted. "Is there something on your mind this week?"

Out came the phone as he wrote it down and showed her. "Did you fight Hitler?"

Dr. Sonomura blinked at the screen. Two, three times. She covered her face and broke down into barely muffled chuckling while Morgana shot him a disapproving look.

"I told you that was a ridiculous question to ask," Morgana said.

Dr. Sonomura regained some of her composure, smoothing a hand over her hair as she glanced at Jou, her face slightly reddened from her laughing fit. "Well, my answer is almost as ridiculous. I didn't, but there were some rumors going around that he was somehow involved with some weird things going on in town."

"Wait, what?" Morgana exclaimed as Jou sat up in his seat.

"It turned out they were just rumors," Dr. Sonomura said, waving a hand dismissively. "Though maybe I shouldn't say 'just' rumors, considering that part of that incident involved certain rumors coming true."

"What."

Dr. Sonomura let out a self-conscious chuckle. "Talking about that is probably edging a bit too close to personal territory, though. I wasn't directly involved for most of it, admittedly, but I did end up getting involved."

"Were you a fighter?" Morgana said. They looked her over before adding, "or were you a navigator?"

"Navigator?" She tilted her head, looking genuinely puzzled by the term. Jou and Morgana shared a look.

"How many Personas are you able to use?"

She blinked again, pursed her lips for a moment. "Total or at once? Because I lost count of how many I can use in total. If I could get to the Velvet Room I could probably ask Igor."

"You've been to the Velvet Room?"

She blinked again. "Yes, of course. How else would I be able to switch between Personas?"

"You can swi... you have more than one?!"

"Of course, everyone has more than one," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It's not like everyone has only one 'mask' they show to the world."

There was a long pause as the three of them stared at each other. It didn't take Sonomura too long to piece things together.

"...Have you two only been using one Persona at a time?"

"W-Well..." Morgana's ears flattened against their head in embarrassment.

"I thought I was the only one who could use more than one at once," Jou said. "Because I'm a Wildcard."

"Wildcard?" Sonomura shook her head. "All these new concepts... I must have fallen further out of practice than I thought."

"It might be a generational thing," Jou said, recalling Arche's terminology.

"Now you're making me feel old," she laughed.

"I think some things might have actually changed?" Jou said.

"Changed?" Sonomura studied him for a moment, looking to be considering her next words carefully. "What was it like for you when you gained your powers?"

The room fell silent. Jou could hear the electric hum of the lights, the soft tick-tick-tick of the clock. The very soft rumbles of concern emanating from Morgana.

After a few moments, Jou started typing. And kept typing. And kept typing. He talked about his experiences with Palaces and Jails and twisted desires. About facing down people's Shadows and convincing (or "convincing") them to change their ways.

About spending so much time leading his team that now that things have calmed down he's not sure what to do with himself. He's not sure how to turn off his "leader" mindset and just be a friend. He's not even sure if he can just be a friend to most of them.

Dr. Sonomura scrolled through the veritable essay he handed her, expression unreadable as she took it all in. Jou's stomach twisted up in knots. He'd always skirted around all of this in previous sessions, but after talking to Miaou recently...

Morgana could tell he was uncomfortable, so they curled up against him and purred reassuringly, just as they'd been taught to. Jou wrapped his arms around them and combed his hands through their soft fur. Good texture, good friend.

"Okay," Dr. Sonomura said, leaning back in her chair. "Okay. There's a lot to unpack there, and I doubt we're going to get to all of it today. So, I'm going to leave it up to you: would you be comfortable tackling some of the worries you just expressed, or would you rather keep talking about Personas for this session and save that for another time?"

He took a deep breath, grabbing his phone and looking over the wall of text he metaphorically vomited onto the screen.

"It's been on my mind a lot lately."

Dr. Sonomura nodded. "Let's talk about it, then."

[spurgie-cousin]

How did you know that you had ADHD?* I'm a woman, and I've always felt weird/different. Recently, a friend sent me a few articles on female ADHD because she thought it sounded like me, and it all "clicked." All the symptoms line up. Me having ADHD would explain a lot in my life. I know the next step is going to a doctor, but I really don't want to go, because there's a chance they'll tell me, "you don't have it." If that happens, I'm afraid I'd look like an attention seeker trying to victimize herself. I'm not, I swear! I just want to figure out what's wrong with me. Any help is appreciated! Thank you!

*(If you're not one of the Fundblr bloggers with ADHD, my apologies! I know there are a few of them here, I just can't remember which lol. In that case, can you please post this anyway so Fundblr bloggers with ADHD can see and respond? Thank you!)

If you sent these out randomly you're in luck, not only do I have ADHD but according to my last therapist it is "amazing that I was able to get this far without being diagnosed" 🙃

That being said, before I was diagnosed I literally felt *exactly* like you said you do right now.........I've always felt that I just dealt with life kinda differently than most people, especially most women. One day I was talking with an acquaintance who had been diagnosed w/ ADHD since she was a kid and everything she said was just clicking and made so much sense, so I started thinking maybe it was something I should look into. I'd been previously diagnosed w/ anxiety/depression and while treatments for those kinda numbed my issues they never totally helped (this is SUPER common for women with ADHD especially, because they are very underdiagnosed and a lot of mental health disorders can be comorbid with ADHD...I personally think my anxiety issues, which I've been treated for since 13, stem from being undiagnosed as long as I was).

So I was seeing a therapist for anxiety at the time and very timidly brought it up one day because, just like you mentioned, I was terrified of being viewed as attention-seeking or overly dramatic. She was super chill and cool about it and asked if I wanted to do the DSM checklist to see if it might be an issue, I said sure, and her response to my results was the above quote lol. My therapist wasn't a psychiatrist who could prescribe meds, so she contacted my general practitioner about it and I made an appointment to see my GP the following week to talk meds. If you can go about it this way I *really* recommend it just because doctors alone can be super annoying shits about ADHD since it's a spectrum disorder/hard to immediately diagnose and the drugs are heavily abused by neurotypicals.

My doctor made me go through the DSM checklist again, we talked about it for a while, she diagnosed me, and now, because of how abused drugs like Adderall are here in America, I am currently making my way down a list of 'safer' alternative medications before I get prescribed something that might actually help. Still, I'd consider being diagnosed one of the better things to ever happen to me because it's helped me understand how my brain works and I've learned a few non-med ways to cope. If you ever have questions or want to bounce ideas off of someone feel free to contact me!!! I'll do my best to help 💖

TL;DR: 1. you know yourself trust your gut!! even if it's not ADHD it still might be something so 2. tell a medical professional (a mental health one first if you can) and if they blow you off get more opinions bc doctors can be cunts about ADHD/mental health 3. message me if you wanna vent/have questions/etc!!!!!

[castiowl]

i am so close to going full tanya harding on my psych practice’s knee so i just need to rant

first of all i’ve had 9 fucking MH professionals to deal with medication management in the last 2 years. NINE. the longest i had one was for about 7 months, which thankfully was the first one i had after my mental health crisis in 2019 so i was at least able to get my meds figured out and be pretty stable before the fucking Great Psychiatry Exodus where every single provider decided to leave the fucking practice they were at after one (1) whole session with me.

the last three i had, i told them my bad luck with providers and how they all leave the practice and i swear to god all 3 of them said “oh haha well i’m not leaving any time soon!” and then they left LMFAOO

the last 2 i had were from the same practice so i decided to switch to a different practice. especially after my most recent provider was only there for 6 months before leaving. clearly something weird going on.

new practice seems great. easy to use website and so easy to set up an appt. had my first appt, once again stressing that i’ve not had the same provider twice in a row in a year and a half now. provider was super nice and was like wow! that sucks! well i’m not going anywhere :-)

i get an email before my second appt saying i have $250 to pay still from my first session and if i don’t pay it, the appt will be canceled. what the fuck. then i figure out they don’t have my correct insurance information which is partially on me, but i always forget what falls under major medical vs behavioral health because i have two different insurances for those. so i call and explain and give them the correct info. i guess it was on me for not confirming that my appt wouldn’t be canceled….but i show up for my appt (online waiting room) and my provider is online but she never connects with me. i waited a full 45 mins and then she signs off. i was like ??? okay???

so i call the office and they’re like oh your appt was canceled because you didn’t pay. so first of all 1) you didn’t tell me the appt was canceled. fuck you for that. would’ve been nice to receive a fucking email or something so i don’t show up like a jackass 2) i explained that i called to fix the problem so what the fuck? and 3) now i’m out of medication so i need to see a provider…

(also just fucking annoying that my provider could clearly see i was signed in/waiting for her in the waiting room and didn’t bother to just send me a quick IM saying hey your appt was canceled! just let me sit there for a fucking hour)

office person is like well her next appt isn’t until july 26 (this appt was july 6) and i was like fucking great let’s do it. they sent me to the nurse to ask about medication. had to leave a message. whatever.

i ended up just paying the $250 because i didn’t want THIS appt to be canceled too. i figured once the claim went through i’d be refunded but i haven’t been home and my behavioral health insurance does everything through snail mail in the year 2021 :-)

i get a call from the nurse and she’s like oh yeah we can refill your Rx no problem so like finally some good news. but then i say i’m in florida and could they send it to the walgreens down here? and she’s like ohhhh we don’t send meds across state lines usually so i’ll have to ask your provider. excuse me? so no client can go on vacation for longer than their medicine allows? literally how is that okay? besides the fact that where i pick up my meds is none of their business. literally. like i could’ve had them send it to the walgreens in VA and then call walgreens to transfer it for me and they’d be none the wiser (i ended up doing this for one med because i was so over it). anyway. got my meds. it’s all good.

so my second appt rolls around today. everything is great. the balance was paid. i received a call friday confirming the appt.

however. lol. the portal they have stopped letting me log into the desktop version. my phone is fine. zero problems. but the exact same user name password on desktop says it’s wrong. i swear i checked it like 30 times. didn’t work. so i was like okay whatever i’ll just go straight to my provider’s online waiting room. i did so. logged in there. waiting. ten minutes past the appt i was like…..i swear to fucking god if they canceled on my and didn’t tell me again i’m gonna commit a crime. call the office. apparently if you’re on hold for more than 5 mins, they send you to voicemail. fuck that. i just called again. i get a person. yay.

i ask if she’s running late or w/e and the office person says i didn’t confirm the appt by logging into the patient portal. are you fucking kidding me? i haven’t received an email about this july 26 appt at all, let alone one telling me i need to do XYZ to confirm an appt. the phone call i got confirming the appt didn’t say to call back or go online. i literally had to hunt through my browser history just to find her waiting room address. (after logging into the portal after all this shit, there isn’t even a fucking link to the waiting room anywhere so idk where i was supposed to find that without already just knowing it).

i explain all this, how the portal isn’t working on desktop anyway (i literally put a note in my phone about it) and i was IN the waiting room on time so what the fuck. and the office person very helpfully was like oh well she can call you if there are any cancellations. okay. whatever. but i’m out of meds today so…. office person very shittily says “i will let her know” with this fucking tone like i’m the one who dropped the ball here. jesus fucking christ.

look folks i barely want to be alive as it is but having to fucking fight tooth and nail just to talk to a person so i can get the meds that make me not die is like. A FUCKING joke. i am the least flakey person ever and i look like an insane person who can’t do basic tasks to this clinic because their shit is so fucked up.

all this on top of the fact that my therapist is just. idk. the vibes have been way off and i just miss my old therapist so goddamn much especially with life returning to normal w covid and hey my dog has cancer! i’m just ready to throw in the towel.

[phoebehalliwell]

Pls write mini essays about phoebe + next gen and paige + next gen!!

word i’d said i’d to this then i forgot i’m doing it now i’m gonna start of with both phoebe & paige + their kids and then i’ll burn through the list

okay so for starters phoebe i think phoebe’s family wins like the “most functional” award it’s not like a landslide win y’know it’s not like piper and paige’s families aren’t function but this family is comprised of an empath advice columnist, a cupid relationship therapist, and three cupid-witches. like, they’re all kinds experts of communication and self-awareness and understanding and relationships and bond blah blah blah they being said of course they have their issues but in general it’s relatively smooth sailing there is of course the flipside when friction usually generate from the kids starts to spiral out of control and phoebe & coop will be like let’s use our words help us to understand you and where you’re coming from do some breathe exercises and the girls would be like no!! can’t we just argue like a normal family!!! can’t you just get angry at something!! but those are um few and far between. and of course like phoebe really really wanted to be a mom we all saw we all didn’t enjoy it but that’s very much canon she really wanted three daughters she got that so i think phoebe was very much like Prepared for motherhood (like as prepared as one could be). like it wasn’t like she thought it was going to be smooth sailing but like she was ready to face any challenges that could be thrown at her she was ready to put all of her love and effort into this one thing and i think for her like Mama Era from pj’s birth in 07 to peyton starting preschool in 2013 i think she really like almost exclusively worked from home she was really hands-in she was in all the mommy groups and the pta and the whatnot but like. y’know that’s like 6 years. and phoebe really loves her job. so i think she’d really have a career renaissance once all of the kids were in school i think she’d slowly start to dive back into column work i think this is when she’d start to write her book after the success of that one i think she wrote another one i think she has a fiction series posted under a pseudonym that is more of a ya magical adventure series (which paige designs all the covers for) i also think she and coop have a podcast together maybe run through the bay mirror maybe independent the point is she’s really popular (i also think she’d be the wealthiest out of the three sisters bc she makes bank and so does coop as a therapist for those not in the states therapy is like really fuckin expensive as i recently learned y’all do not know. it’s a bitch. but yeah they got money. but that’s not the point here. the point is she’s really popular). book tours, doing stuff with the podcast, guest appearances on a variety of tv shows, i think phoebe’s not like. at home a lot. or at least she’s home the least out of piper her and paige. and it’s not like her kids really mind like she is just a beam away and she always makes it to important events (and unimportant ones!) like she takes photos before every school dance and she throws birthday parties and she really dos try to make it to all of the kids soccer games but like. she’s not always just like. home all the time. and i think she’d really love to have a lot of emotional heart-to-hearts with her kids but that doesn’t always happen. if pj needs an emotional heart-to-heart, she’s gonna talk to her dad. is parker needs an emotional heart-to-heart, she’s gonna talk to pj. is peyton needs and emotional heart-to-heart she’ll position herself on the couch late at night when she knows phoebe will be coming home and just sorta sit there like waiting for phoebe to show up and go oh honey what’s wrong bc uhh peyton will not like. go to someone to talk about their problems. she has to wait to be asked. that’s just the type of person she is. lucky for her, phoebe’s an empath so she can like tell when baby peyton’s in distress but lbr she usually doesn’t need it because like peyton perches in such an Obvious manner like hi mom come comfort me please : ( even tho she’ll never like say it out loud. i think phoebe’s also like proud of her girls and their practicing of the craft bc she remembers how she felt about magic hell how she still feels about magic and she’s always telling them like follow ur heart and love is ur greatest strength (and the power of three will set you free, of course) bc her girls are cupitches y’know it’s more true than ever but like. lowkey tho. it fucking terrifies her. magic like takes, man. a lot of people she knows have died. and she just like. she doesn’t want to tell her kids no bc it was grams controlling nature that made her rebel so much so like she wants them to be able to come to her when they have a magical problem and she knows that if she tries to stop them or tells them they’re out of their league they’ll probably just stop telling her things so she doesn’t she tried to be supportive but jesus fucking christ he gets so scared sometimes. she gets so scared.

paige on the other hand had nowhere near the same experience with motherhood as phoebe bc well i think paige has the most complex relationship with motherhood set aside the fact that her kids are the only unplanned ones out of the entire next gen, she also like. she was a shit child. she was mean and violent and an alcoholic. she had committed so so many crimes before she was even 17. and she had a really good mom!! she had a mom who loved her and tried her hardest to support her and keep her from falling off the deep end who loved her unconditionally she had the best mom and she was still just a little shit! and i think that really fucks her up. like, looking back on it, she can’t imagine half the stuff she put her mom through. she was really cruel. and like!!! her mom was a good mom!! so paige doesn’t know she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do. how she’s supposed to stop her kids from turning out like her. what can she do so she doesn’t have kids who end up exactly like how she was. henry isn’t like a load of help her bc henry Also never knew his parents and he jumped around from foster home to foster home and like never really felt like had a family until paige. and then like in his whole parole schtick he was definitely a hard ass he was definitely an Authority Figure bc hell that was the only way adults could get him to listen to them when he was a kid so he just kinda emulated that. however after meeting paige and really getting a feel for her whitelighter side and how she handled these situations i do think henry switched up his vibes he made the necessary changes. i also think like henry like no he wasn’t planning on having kids but i think he was really excited to become a father like he was gonna have a family like god he always wanted a family he was gonna teach his kids to play catch and he would host birthday parties stupid birthday parties with themes and balloons from safeway and friends there and goody bags the full kit and kaboodle like henry would fuckin go to bed each night dreaming about how he’s gonna do all these familial things he never got to do. bc he didn’t have a family. but paige did. she got all those things. and she was still fucked up!! so i think the conkclooshun paige landed on was that her mom tried to hard to like. like her mom saw her potential and always strived to push her to be that perfect version of paige that she saw her wonderful little angel when paige really wasn’t that paige wanted to be seen for what she was not some vision in her mom’s head and maybe that’s why she would like get drunk and steal a cop car bc she wanted her mom to see the girl standing right in from of her not an angel just paige. so paige was like. okay. i’m no gonna project onto my kids. they’re gonna be like “charmed ones” (there’s only two of them but w/e they’re really powerful witches) but i’m not gonna. i’m not gonna see them as that. i’m going to try to see them as they are and i’m going to be their Mom. i’m not gonna be some distant ethereal figure which is kinda how she felt a lot of the charges she brought to magic school viewed her bc she was this mythic charmed one and she was this she was that i think paige didn’t want to be her daughters’ whitelighter bc she didn’t want a “professional” relationship with them. there was no way she could advise her own kids the way she could advise her charges, she’s simply way too close to the situation. and she doesn’t want her kids to view her like that. she doesn’t want to be their whitelighter, she wants to be their mom. and um this really does work for the most part like she & her kids will like sit on the couch and just like yuck it up you know like the mitchell clan really is a tight knit they do all love spending time with her but. like her method of parenting really works with tamora. not so much with kat. kat’s a lot more witchy than tam is she’ll actively go out and seek out trouble she pursues the craft with a very similar hunger to what we saw in paige s5 and paige kinda hates it. like. god okay she gets it she gets it she really does. but kat’s a kid!! she’s just a kid and if she keeps looking for trouble she’s gonna get herself killed and i think whenever out god knows where doing god knows what paige just remembers that time she had to watch chris bleed out on the bed with nothing she could do. and how she- how if that happened to kat- she- she couldn’t go on anymore. that’s basically the fact of the matter. if she lost a child, she doesn’t know what she would do. give up. probably. and it’s again sorta like the inverse we see with phoebe’s free range demon hunting where paige gets so overprotective about it that kat just stopped telling her things. this gets doubled by the fact that you’re not my whitelighter, so why should you even care! and kat does view it as like a lack of faith from her mother (which is one of the reasons why kat and chris are so close) and she just wants to. she wants to prove herself. she wants her mom to see her for all that she could be, instead of just the place she’s in right now. and i do think as time passes paige learns to sort of let go of this control i think her and kat have the most difficult relationship but paige letting kat leave to take a gap year and explore the world was like a major step and kat acknowledges this to an extend she gets it was difficult for her mom but she really has no idea how much paige panicked how much it took every inch of her self control not to go out and drag kat back home because yes baby birds have to leave the nest eventually but these baby birds have a very high stab rate. um jumping over to her relationship with henry jr i think she does encourage his studying of the craft he is the most well read out of any of the next generation with wyatt taking a close second hell henry jr even knows like a bit of latin this kid is wicked smart And bonus round he’s aware he’s mortal. like yeah paige can kinda sense that it does ruffle his feather, but henry jr knows when to step away. again, henry’s really well-read. he’s brushed up on the family history. he knows the warren line is close friends with death. as a bit of a bonus round but also to give paige some peace of mind, she did give henry a basic charm that grants him the same high resistance that all witches are born with as well as cloaks him from magic bc like paige and henry sr both knew this mortal baby was gonna have a wicked high kidnap rate so they figured y’know best do all they can to Stop That from happening. the enchantment that henry jr has is a necklace it’s the same one paige wore throughout the show. bc i’d like to bring that back.

okay next gen time wyatt i think wyatt likes paige more than phoebe it’s not like a competition or anything it’s just gun to his head that’s who he’d chose bc paige really is like this witchlighter she walks the line between being charmed and being a whitelighter that wyatt can really take a lot of inspiration from he just doesn’t have that with phoebe phoebe’s a little bit more of like a love guru and wyatt’s got a weird relationship with love bc he keeps flinging himself headfirst into it and keeps getting bruiser bc of it what wyatt actually doesn’t know is almost all of the advice that has gotten him out of these troubling times has almost all been sourced from phoebe piper usually goes to her with advice when it comes to all that i mean i don’t think wyatt would like to know that post-breakup wyatt is just like kinda embarrassing he doesn’t want to know that’s being shared with the family of course he already knows he just doesn’t want confirmation

chris surprisingly closer with phoebe probably bc she’s an empath and again she has this whole free range witchcraft style that she has going if chris has a question he needs to ask somebody he’ll usually ask phoebe bc she’s the only one who won’t report back to leo bc again she’s an empath she gets it she knows what’s going on and she knows he just needs time and he and leo need some good honest communication paige also gets that but paige also watched chris die so yeah no she’s gonna snitch

melinda about and even tie melinda gets a lot of witchlightering advice from paige on finding harmony there but she’s also an empath she she spends a lot of time learning her craft from phoebe and how to focus that and apply that power to her witch/whitelighter abilities in ways paige can’t really teach her bc paige’s power is more physical that psychic/emotional. but it is like paige who gives her the groundwork on like. getting it. i think gun to her head if she had to choose she’d choose phoebe just because of those times they’d go out and do “field practice” where they go somewhere interesting and crowded and sense the wave of emotions and go out and try to pick out people from the crown it’s an art of drowning out the din and finding one you need to find a way of not getting lost in the sea of everyone else’s everchurning emotions which is nice bc it grants melinda a much wanted and needy control over empathy but it’s also nice bc it’s like. fun. phoebe always makes it fun they can always have a laugh.

tamora’s not like hella close with phoebe there’s really no reason for her to be however she is baby peyton’s favorite cousin (don’t tell the rest) simply because tamora’s both like studious and cautious and baby peyton’s tired of everyone running around trying to fight demons like what about normal life irl and stuff so i think tamora would definitely like tutor baby peyton this that and the other and so like phoebe really has like a sense of respect for tamora and tamora likes being over at phoebe’s y’know it’s not like peyton’s some snot nosed kid it’s fun she likes the vibes

kat has an appreciation for phoebe bc she definitely knows phoebe had a hand in helping her mom let go of her y’know that being said it’s not like she loves to spend time with phoebe phoebe’s both an empath and paige’s sister so like she knows that anything of note’s gonna be passed onto her mom (which isn’t like. entirely true. but it is kinda true). if kat’s gonna hang out with an empath she wants it to be one on her side so she’ll always pick melinda

henry jr okay so phoebe’s actually the opposite with henry it’s kinda like her and paige swapped places here bc paige trusts her son she knows he’s really well versed in magic blah blah blah and that he’s got y’know. common sense. he’s not gonna run into some situation half cocked and get himself killed he’s aware of his mortality. phoebe on the other hand did not raise henry so she doesn’t get him the way paige gets him; a large part of her free range ideology is the fact that her kids are basically little power loaded god their charmed and as an added boost they’re also half cupid they’ve been raised in the craft they’re insanely well trained so like. she knows that they’re capable. henry does not have their advantages. so i think phoebe really tries to hold him back isn’t quite the right word but like. it kind is. she doesn’t want him doing anything magical.

pj’s in the 07 baby squad even though she’d at the younger end of the scale so she was a grade behind mellie kat and tam but that little barbershop quartet’s p tight knit i don’t think she has like insane exposure to paige as i think cupids and whitelighter work very differently like at the most basic magical level and therefore paige’s halfling experience really doesn’t do that much to help her i think she likes paige alright but like. it’s nothing compared to like wyatt relationship with paige

parker always like runs towards danger she’s got an insane amount of energy and like a fire within her i think she’s always trying to push boundaries and break the rules eg with her cupid ring becoming an athame i don’t think she straight up asked paige bc like parker definitely views all adults as narcs but with this of that ilk parker bounces questions off paige which paige just always answers like really honestly like if parker asks a question that’s like really complex and strange paige won’t give her a roundabout answer she’ll just tell her what’s up and for that parker respects paige

peyton i think sees paige the most through tam i think she likes paige i think she’s definitely privy of the whole paige/kat situation bc like who is the family isn’t but i think she really kinda takes paige’s side her peyton thinks the real worlds insanely dangerous she doesn’t like looking for trouble and her heart lowkey goes out to paige bc she knows the whole thing with kat is a matter of love it’s just something that’s hard to work with

[kewltie]

omfgggg pregnant!deku. imagine where no. 1 hero is not only an omega but is pregnant and it's still early in his first trimester so he's running around kicking ass but IT'S DEKU so ppl frets and worry over his safety that even villains r like uh i dont wanna mess w/ that. deku is like ridiculously popular & well like even among criminal bc he believes in 2nd chances & rehab of the criminals/villains & fight for disenfranchised youths who fell on the wrong side of the track. so yea, they fight against him but they're also kinda soft for him!!!

so when they found out their fav hero is pregnant & still patrolling there's like some super-secret nonverbal agree among them that they won't stop doing what they are doing but like,,,, nobody fucking touch deku ok or you'll deader than dead. which is ALL KIND OF HILARIOUS bc deku coming to a bank robbery & the criminals doesnt stop their crime but when they fight him, they're like super careful w/ him making sure he doesn't get knock back, fall, or hurt himself too much.

when deku finally captured them and as they're about to taken away, they happily congratulated him on his pregnancy & ask if he'd thought of names yet & one of them is like, "oh, when my husband was pregnant eating X & Y really help with the nausea." and izuku is like,,, thanks???

there's like so many ppl invested in deku's pregnancy that it bizarre bc he's not the first or the last omega to ever be pregnant but he's deku, prohero, no.1 rank, and symbol of hope. all that means is there's a hyper fixation on everything about him esp now that he's pregnant. talk shows, news channel, & celeb gossip show are all talking about it one way or another. whether he's should take an early leave of work or not bc of the danger of his job, the baby's sex, his pregnancy craving, bump watch (I KNOW), & even a countdown to his due date.

the entire country is in a baby fever just bc of deku. everybody talk obsessively about it & even if you find that one person who does not care they def know someone who does. all this happen while deku just go about his day like all of Japan isnt watching his every move lol. the strangest thing about deku's pregnancy is that there's no sign of the other parent?? deku isnt even dating anyone. he never mention any alpha AT ALL, only declaring that he plans to raise his baby all by himself as a single parent which blew their fucking mind bc wtfffff.

look, deku is the most famous omega around, sitting high atop of the world as the no. 1 hero & is adore by the mass--he's greatest omega of his generation some would say so yea there's lot of expectation & hope place on him but deku is deku & he does what he wants. ppl speculate that maybe he's pregnant bc he had a one night stand and this was accident, maybe he has been in a secret relationship all this time, maybe this baby was from a spurned lover or WORST yet a produce of rape... LIKE there's so many rumor swirling around but the answer is actually v v v simple. deku has always wanted a child and since he's nearing 30 right now, he thought it's hightime he has one and the other father? JUST A DONOR. it's nothing serious or complicated as ppl imagine to be.

deku wants a kid and now he has one!! but ppl just can't comprehend how it could be that simple when the most notoble omega in all of japan decide he wants a kid W/O having a mate and he's going to raise this baby all by himself and nope he's not even going to quit his job at ALL to have a family. deku is just--blowing their mind lol

the world doesn't so much get over it as they just kinda get dragged along bc deku does not give a single fuck wut other think and proceed to be immersed in his pregnancy and try to survive the next 6 months while everyone waited on bated breath to see what deku does next. the only thing that stick is the constant rumor mill of who is the donor of deku's baby. they assume that deku wouldn't just pick a stranger bc he's sentimental like that so speculations run amok about every alpha that is closely associate with deku.

there are public polls, betting rings w/ billions on the line, televised debates, internet flame wars, and ACTUAL ARGUMENTS B/T FAMILY/FRIENDS/COWORKERS on who the fuck is deku's donor! even more than deku's baby, they're fucking obsessed on finding out who is the actual donor. the thing is it's not THAT big of a secret. all of class A are in the loop, his mom know (ofc), and even his agency but they all managed to keep it a secret bc deku's privacy is the utmost important & beside the other father would literally MURDER them if it ever get expose.

this is how it went: bullied by his pr team, deku went on a variety show where they have to babysit kids & put through various childbearing challenge while cameras record them for entertainment purpose. It's there when deku realized "ah, I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS V BADLY." deku is climbing close to his 30 now, he's well established presence in the hero world, and his life is pretty stable so it's high time he have his own little family but the thing is babies are two ppl business. they don't just come from thin air so deku did the next best thing.

katsuki would like to say he didn't see this coming the same way you would not expect to be attack by a shark on land, but in this case deku is that fucking shark & katsuki is the idiot that get completley blindsided by him when deku cornered him one day and asked for his sperm.

ok, bakudeku aint dating. they have deep & complicated history that is not only confusing o everybody else but also confusing to them. 'friend' would be to light of a word but anything else is left undefined bc how do you explain more than 2 decades of w/e they are to each other. katsuki doesn't want to talk about the amount of time he'd used image of deku to get off while in rut just so he can survive through it, while the next few days trying to resist punching deku in the face bc he act like a sacrificial idiot who got a cross he wants to bear.

it's not 100% healthy his therapist unhelpfully pointed out but the core of all his volatile feelings have always been named deku & katsuki doesn't know how to compartmentalize it properly bc katsuki may have squashed to something small & insignificant but it's heavy & permanent. so when deku laid his fucked up request at katsuki's feet, he broke the table they were using and nearly walked out if deku didn't catch him by the arm in time.

"kacchan, pls here me out first," deku begged of him, his sweet permeating the air; he's NOT PLAYING FAIR AT ALL. whoever said alphas are the dominate sex in the world have never met an omega, a determine goal focus omega with babies on the brain like deku.

"kacchan, recently i realized that im only getting older so i want a child when i still can," deku explained. "so won't you help me? i know settling down right now is the farthest thing from your mind, but im not asking you anything like that," he continued as katsuki quietly fumed in the background. "i just want your help in making this selfish wish of mine come true. you're among my top choices, kacchan."

Katsuki jerked up. "wait, you mean to say there's a fucking list of alphas you plan to extort their sperm from?" he seethed, feeling like deku had took a goddamn knife to his pride and butcher it completely. "how many other ppl have you asked before you even came to me?!"

"im not extorting anything from anyone." Deku frowned. "and, well, you always lectured me about diving head first w/o any backup plans," he pointed out, "so i made sure to leave several options open just in case the first one fell through. see? i did thought this one thru."

katsuki nearly broke another piece of furniture at the thought of deku asking someone else to father his child as though he was just another face in a long list of ppl deku could use. "What did every alpha on ur shitty list rejected u already so now have to come to me for help?"

deku, who was no.1 for a reason, narrowed his eyes and the air crackled around them. "kacchan, this is extremely important to me so i wouldnt just chose anyone. i only know a handful of alphas i can trust and someone im happy to share the other half of my child with. you're the 1st person that came to my mind when i thought about a child growing inside of me," he said, wrapping his arm around his flat tummy. "despite our many differences you're the one i admire the most. your strength & ambition, grounded by your strong drive & work ethics. the fact that you got where you are w/ your own hands & wits to guide you, i think you're just amazing. so how could i not want those kind of qualities for my own child," deku explained. "im sure a child born from half of your genes you will shine just brightly as you do."

katsuki felt so taken back that found his tongue heavy and words were escaping him. on one hand he felt a rush of pride and a strange sensation of happiness that deku had specifically chosen him out of his potential candidates bc of the greatness he had seem in katsuki but he'd also narrowed katsuki out not bc of some sentimental bullshit or lingering feelings but he thought of providing his future child with the best gene pool as possible so his child can flourish. it's a damn ego busting for katsuki but deku was clearly a man on a mission.

katsuki hesitated and thought what it would mean to have a child out there who carry a lil part of him in them; it's unnerving and humbling at the same time. he never thought of it himself but deku had dream of this, wanted this so badly enough to beg katsuki for help.

"alright," he said finally, not knowing exactly what compelled him to agree, but the look of utter happiness spreading across deku's face as he can barely contain his joy. a single word from him had caused deku's word to shift and rearranged itself to make room for another life.

and that's how katsuki got con into helping izuku make a baby lol. but, really katsuki was the one who agreed to it out of his own will bc he's an idiot & also terribly whipped; omegas are the ones ppl should be frighten of bc once they make up their mind it's hard to move them. they're an unstoppable force, something to be reckon w/ esp when that omega is the no.1 hero who fought his way to the top of the rankings and maintain that status quo for many years despite how many times katsuki tried to topple him from that perch LOL.

katsuki already lost the war before he'd even put a foot down on battlefront the moment deku'd opened his mouth & demanded his sperm AND HE KNEW IT TOO. so that was how katsuki found himself preparing to empty his balls in front of a two-way mirror in a mating clinic bc of deku. omegas, esp males, are the most fertile when they're in heat & when an alpha go in a rut, but the both of them have this arrangment that's more of a duty than any feelings involve bc they cant risk getting mix up in the hormones. this is for deku & his future child!!! so the clinic had prepared a large room w/ two way dividing mirrors& open air vents circulating b/t the two rooms so they can breathe in each other scene where deku can have his heat on one side and katsuki can watch BUT NOT TOUCH and get his rut on so he can produce sperm.

it's uh, not supposed to be v sexy since it's all clinical & shit but bakudeku being bakudeku they nearly tear the room apart to get to each other in heat/rut madnes. deku had blushed earlier as he asked to be bind with quirk restrictions cuff just in case he go crazy which HE DID. at first the nurses there was more worry about katsuki going crazy and out of control bc he has been known to fall pretty high on the alpha aggression and they fear it would be katsuki who would be dangerous; BUT NOPE it's deku all all along who almost broke the REINFORCED MIRROR just so he can get to katsuki!!!! DEKU WHO PPL SOMETIMES FORGET IS LIKE THE NO. 1 HERO FOR A REASON. soft and sweet deku who single handedly can fuck you up with just his fingers if he want to. he's an omega on a mission and he wants that knot up his ass AND HE WANTS IT NOW.

the nurses & docs have to use everything in their toolkit to pull bakudeku apart. when it's all said and done, katsuki embarrassingly produce buckets of cum enough to last deku a looooooong long time if the first one didn't take lol while deku couldn't look at katsuki in the eyes. they are both horridly embarrass about their 'not mating' and their action toward each other there even though they never actually touch each other through out the whole heat/rut procedure. despite the fact that they DIDN'T HAVE ANY SEX, it was still the hottest exp for both.

katsuki never seen more more feral and fierce omega who nearly broke the entire room just to get to him, in that moment if katsuki wasn't in love already he would have been half way there and izuku didn't expect KATSUKI AT ALL. the way he had handle izuku was completely diff. in izuku's heat fever, katsuki was the lone anchor who'd provided him grounding. he tried to calm deku down from his ramp up hormones even though he was as clearly affected as deku. forceful but not unforgiving, commanding not unyielding, firm but gentle.

it was electric.

it was as though izuku was a wild animal unleashed and katsuki managed to tamed him and he never had even had to raise a single finger to do it. it was all in his words that cut through izuku's hazy feverish wants and desires. the kind of alpha that made deku's knees weak.

after that, they have wordless mutual agreement to never talk about it. deku got the sperms he wanted and katsuki had finally fullfiedd his obligation and isn't responsible for deku or his future child. HE'S DONE. they dont have anything to do w/ each other anymore. RIGHT??? ha.

it's funny bc izuku had his hope on a child but didn't think it would take so soon! he'd thought he would fail a few times first before he get really lucky w/ conception bc of his age now that he's older, this 'psuedo mating' can't replace real mating, & biology is fucking weird. even the fertility doc couldn't promise this procedure to insert bkg's sperm in him when he's still got in a heat fever will work 100% and if they fail, they have to wait for another HEAT to come before it could work. which mean months of waiting in b/t so izuku is desperate. BUT it took one try. THAT'S ALL IT TOOK as izuku anxiously waited for the news in next couple of weeks. he took at home pregnacy tests and when hall 3 results were positive he'd cried and called his mom but even then he didn't tell anyone bc he was so scare it just was a fluke.

he'd kept this secret until he finally got the visit to his doc and could get the firm confirmation he needed! when the doc revealed that he was indeed pregnant, izuku fell to his knees in relief bc finally, FINALLY, his dream of having a baby had came true. he's a father now!!

the doc had warned that the first trimester would be rough on him bc of his age and miscarriage is more likely for him than most male omega. maybe he should consider taking an early pregnacy leave bc of the danger his job poses to him & the unborn baby. deku had agonized over it. ultimately, he decided to continue w/ his hero work but won't take on as much stuff as before. he plans to be more careful & attentive to his safety, and defer his more dangerous work to his colleagues instead. all his friends and coworkers go out of their way to help him w/ this

izuku got an entire community of heroes WHO DO THEIR BEST TO ENSURE HIS PREGNACY GO SMOOTHLY bc look izuku may be doing this alone but HE'S NOT ACTUALLY ALONE bc he got his friends, colleagues, and mom to support him through this bc they know how much this means to him!!

katsuki was one of the last to find out but only bc deku plan to see him in person to tell him bc katsuki HAD GIVEN HIM ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS (beside OFA) and he wanted to thank katsuki in person but class A are a bunch of gossip mongers so he found out through their groupchat. it started as a joke about katsuki & his super seed bc what a fucking stud bakugou katsuki to have ONE TRY and is able to knocked izuku up so quickly lmao. w/e the fuck katsuki is doing or eating, apparently it works wonder for him bc one of his sperm luck out & hit jackpot. his so called friends cant stop ribbing into him for knocking up deku so quickly bc they know from deku's worry that it wasn't going to be an easy conception but IT'S BAKUGOU KATSKUKI, outdoing himself once more bc he never does anything by half, not even his own sperm lol.

izuku met up with katsuki right outside his agency bc he knew wassup and how to corner katsuki effectively by trapping him when he just high off his patrol when he least expect an ambush esp when he was too busy avoiding izuku's attempts to reach him bc of COMPLICATED FEELS.

it's not cowardice that kept katsuki away, but izuku was the source of all his confusing feelings already & now w/ the news that he's carrying katsuki's child now it'd gotten worst. izuku, though, was nothing if not persistent. he zeroed in katsuki right away w/ purposeful steps.

"kacchan, i'm so glad to meet you here," izuku says as though he hadn't coordinate this w/ katsuki's coworkers, who are all SOFT for izuku anyway lmao, to get katsuki alone JUST LIKE THIS. katsuki knew he was caught bc every one his friends & colleagues are FUCKING TRAITORS.

"what," he snapped, clenching the hands at his side as he tried to keep his gaze from izuku's still very flat tummy. it's weird to think a life was quickly taking shape there when it's not like izuku looked any diff but he smiling more brightly & warmth coming from his person. was this what they call the pregnancy glow? bc deku was fucking blinding that katsuki wanted to shove his hand to deku's face to block it out.

"what you want," he demanded again even tho they both know why deku was here.

unperturbed, deku smiled. "im pregnant now so thank you. you'd helped fulfilled one of my biggest dreams & im ever so grateful for it!" he continued, rocking happily back & forth on his heels but the words barely registered katsuki kept staring at the way deku's body swing out & he opened his mouth before he could think better of it.

"should you be even moving liek that ?" he asked BC SINCE FINDING OUT IZUKU IS PREGNANT HE LOST HIS MIND. as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he was a dead man walking.

izuku leveled him a glare so fierce that he actually took a step back w/ chills running up his back. "kacchan i may be pregnant but im not an invalid," izuku said with the sharp edge of a smile and thinly veiled steel in his voice. the scariest part was that he hadn't drop a single smile but the ominous threas was there. "do you want me to show you how much of not invalid i am?"

katsuki scowled, face pinching at the thought whether this was just the usual deku's bs or this was deku's bs + the pregnancy hormones that get him so rile up. either way, katsuki no matter how much of an ass he was, he wasn't going to punch a pregnant omega to prove a point.

"fine, that was dumb sorry," he said, scratching the back of his ear in annoyance. "so was that all you wanted to say?"

deku's eyes crinkle in amusement as katsuki's scowl deepens. "yea, i just wanted you to hear the news from me personally and expressed my thanks."

"i'll take good care of them," he said softly, a stray hand caressing his stomach carefully. "I promise i'll be good to them so you dont have to worry."

katsuki paused and then, "I know," he said bc he does. deku was going to be a good parent w/o a doubt. That is a truth.

deku's eyes light up at katsuki's words and there was a hint of wetness in them that katsuki had the unnerving fear that he was going to cry right here and katsuki's entire agency going to charge out & murder him for making a pregnant omega, THE PREGNANT OMEGA DEKU cry in public.

"t-thank you," he sniffs, but THANKFULLY NO ACTUAL CRYING INVOLE, "it makes me so happy to hear that you in believe me. i won't fail you, i swear!" he said it like he was making a vow for world peace or some shit bc of how serious it had sounded but this was important to him.

"yea, okay," katsuki said, looking away bc got this entire conversation was agonizing bc here he was talking to the person, but not JUST ANY RANDOM PERSON, who is carrying a baby w/ half of katsuki's dna & they're not fucking each other. like,,, that's fucking weird okay.

"that's all i wanted to say," deku told him, fully aware how uncomfortable this talk was making him, "so I won't bother you anymore." he gave one last smile and turned to go but KATSUKI WHO SHOULD HAVE LET IT END THERE found himself opening his mouth and grabbing deku by the arm.

it was careful, a firm but gentle hand placed his forearm like deku was glass that stopped him for a moment. "if--if," katsuki said, swallowing around a stone in his throat, "you find yourself needing anything, call me ok? ANYTHING i dont care just call me and i'll be there."

a slow but the brightest fucking smile he had ever seen bloom on deku's flushed face. "ok, i'll let you know," he replied, bc this was KATSUKI PUTING HIMSELF OUT THERE AND WANTING TO GET INVOLVE IN IZUKU'S PREGNACY even tho deku had given him a clean break from it. HE CHOSE THIS.

katsuki doesn't know what he was thinking then but the words slipped passed his guard before he can stop it & now he fucking doomed himself, doom himself to 3am late night calls of deku crying in hysteric at his home bc he ran out of some rare hard to find fruit bc CRAVINGS. so now katsuki had to dragged himself all the way across town to hunt for this shit. the morning news of that day was hero ground zero harrassing shopkeeper in the FUCKING ASS'S OCLOCK FOR SOME FRUIT AND DEMANDING IT NOW FOR W/E REASON, WHILE LOOKING SO FURIOUS & UNHINGED.

look, it's not like deku doesn't have an entire network of ppl to reach out to if he ever needed anything bc they would even laid down their life for him but even when he's cursing a storm trying to get deku's his midnight craving, he's so relief it's him that deku called first. besides, he firmly knew wut he had signed up for the moment he had opened his mouth. offering is help in the pregnancy process was him choosing to get involve and commit to deku & his (god fucking damn shit, he can't think of it as *theirs* bc that's too dangerous) baby. and bc this is bakugou katsuki and he never does any by halves so even though he may have been reluctant at first but now that he's firmly on board he's going in full throttle w/ no break in sight. katsuki dumps all his $$ on pregnacy & prenatal care books.

he read papers, argued on pregnancy forum, & even harassed his parents on it just so he can come at this like a fucking boss bc while he has full faith in deku to put the safety of the fetus first but also HE DOESN'T FUCKING TRUST DEKU TO PUT HIMSELF FIRST which is just as import. deku has the self-preservation  of a damn child & he can't expect a *child* to take care of himself so KATSUKI OBVIOUSLY GOT TO DO IT FOR HIM. so he make diet plans, prepare prep meals for deku ahead of them, annoyed deku's coworkers to watch out for him lest he does something stupid. he make it his firm mission that this pregnancy will go smoothly as possible so even when he's running errands for deku, getting his weird ass food craving, and taking deku to visit his ob-gyn, sitting in the waiting room anxiously for any news in case SOMETHING GO WRONG.

He even drives himself crazy learning about the things a pregnant person can't do/is at risk of doing & he doesn't know how anyone can fucking take this for 10 months bc it's like walking on a precarious tight rope. it's scary & humbling and he just want deku & the baby to be ok.

there are still crimes and villains to wrangle, and the world keeps on spinning; nothing really change all that much now that deku's pregnant but katsuki finds himself personally accolating his precious time and energy toward deku & the baby. he became one of those *PEOPLE*, ugh. he never got it even when his friends had popped out spawns of their own. he wasn't going to get dragged down by biology & all that general bullshit about settling down. he's at the top of his game & prize to take over deku's position as no.1. he got no time for playing family.

yet here he is standing in the middle of a fucking baby store, staring down a damn baby crib and having a melt down. who the fuck knew that baby cribs come in so many fucking versions and THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY OF THEM. he thought he had come prepare but no this was toughs shit. he only saw this store in passing while on a patrol & thought he should drop by but the next thing he knew he got trapped here for three fucking hours just looking at baby cribs. he already got several people walking passed him, eyeing him weirdly as he internally freak out.

there are ridiculous amount of info floating on the internet about crib buying guide like the bars could only be certain inches apart, non-toxic paints, diff kind of mattress, safe headboards, etc etc. all of that to ensure the baby doesn't fucking DIE bc babies are like FRAGILE.

he calls deku & as soon as he picks up, the first thing katsuki says is, "last year, there were 1,842 babies death due to sudden infant death syndrome."

a long pointed pause, and then, "oh geez," deku answers, "where are you? I'll be right there, okay? don't go anywhere!"

[tattooedsongbird]

Sweet as Sugar Cookies

Summary: Cara isn’t quite sure how Harry Styles became one of her best friends, but it definitely started at her bakery booth at the farmer’s market. Friends to Lovers.

Part 1/2

He was back for the third Saturday in a row. Cara would have recognized his tattoos anywhere, had admired the way they curled around his arms the last time he stopped by her booth. His brown hair curled wildly above his over-large sunglasses. She looked away just before he could catch her staring, pretending to straighten out a few of the smaller cookie boxes as he started walking her way.

“Surprised you don’t have a line yet,” Harry commented as he stopped in front of her table, hands in his pockets. “Last few weeks there was a thirty-minute wait just to see you.”

Cara shrugged, smiling up at him and squinting a little in the sun. “I guess no one needs advice this week. And most of my cookie customers get here before ten.”

He pushed his sunglasses up onto his head, examining the remaining cookie flavors she had. “How did you get into this?”

“Baking?”

“Unofficial therapy for everyone here.”

She laughed. “I kind of fell into it. I’ve always been good at getting people to talk about their lives, and they usually end up asking for some kind of advice. After a while I just leaned into it.”

“You’re good at it,” he said, looking up at her from under his long eyelashes. “I heard what you told that girl last week about her ex-boyfriend. She definitely could do better.”

Cara toyed with a stack of napkins on the table. “A lot of the time people just need to hear what they’re already thinking from someone else. That’s all I do, just reflect what people feel back at them.”

Harry just stood there looking at her. She glanced up to find him watching her with a strange smile on his face. He shook his head and grinned. “So you took on the job of taking care of everyone who stops by your booth?”

“Unofficially,” she said.

“And what do you do when you’re not at the farmer’s market?”

“I take care of everyone who comes to my bakery,” she said with a smile, holding out a business card with the bakery’s name and address. “And make the best cookies and cupcakes in the area.”

He took the card from her, calloused fingertips brushing against hers.  He tucked it into his wallet as he pulled out some cash. “Do you have any more of those cranberry walnut cookies?”

She held out one of the little boxes. “Six left!”

He traded her the cash for the box. He looked her up and down before slipping his sunglasses back down. “I hope I’ll see you around.”

She smiled. “Back at you, Mr. Styles.”

He paused, looking back at her. She grinned. “I liked your most recent album. I play it while I bake sometimes.”

“Well, I feel rude for not knowing your name now,” he said, a light blush on his cheeks.

“Cara,” she said. “And stop by the bakery any time.”

 Harry let out a deep breath as he got out of his car, enjoying the warmth of the late May sun on his face as he walked into the little bakery with which he had quickly become well acquainted. He took the time to drive up at least once a week whenever he was in California, spending time chatting with Cara at one of the little bistro tables in the window or- more recently- helping her roll out cookies in the back kitchen. His visits were the highlight of his week, as he enjoyed the chance to step away from his every day life and be around Cara. She never expected him to be anything but himself. Not Superstar Harry Styles who performed for sold out arenas, but Harry Styles, the man just trying to figure himself out. Despite their long conversations about music, books, travel, baking, and whatever else came to mind, however, Harry found himself knowing surprisingly little about Cara. He had poured out things about himself he would normally only tell his therapist, and yet she only shared bits and pieces of herself.

Cara stood behind the counter in her blue plaid apron, boxing up what looked to be at least fifty cookies for a middle-aged woman standing in front of her. She looked up when the door opened, a loose strand of her honey-colored hair falling out of her ponytail as she saw Harry. “Hey stranger!”

Harry grinned at her, strolling over to stand against the side of the counter. “Is this a bad time?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m in a bit of a rush,” the woman said, tapping her fingernails against the granite of the bakery counter. “Could you wait?”

Cara didn’t even pause in packing the cookies. “You can go on upstairs, Harry,” she said with a smile, sliding him a koala-shaped keychain with a single key across the counter. “I’ll be done in a minute.”

He went around to the back of the building and up the wooden stairs to the apartment. Two cats rushed towards the door as he stepped inside, the brown tabby immediately flopping down at his feet and showing off her tummy in an invitation to be pet. The tuxedo turned around once she realized he wasn’t Cara. A third cat, a patchwork of white and orange and grey, watched from a sunny windowsill in the little living room. Harry took off his shoes and wandered through the apartment, unable to keep himself from looking around for more clues about Cara’s life.

A mug and a bowl sat in the sink, clearly left there after Cara had breakfast. Unopened letters sat in a messy pile on the counter beside a jar of pens and a post-it pad. The tiny dining area in the kitchen looked tidy, but the yellow sofa in the next room was covered with a pile of throw pillows and blankets. Cookbooks were stacked on the coffee table in a short tower. Framed photos of Cara with people Harry assumed were her parents and brothers hung on the wall beside a bookshelf filled with novels and DVD cases. Harry poked his head into what appeared to be an office- desk, laptop, more cookbooks and a small filing cabinet in an otherwise empty room- and resisted the temptation to look into Cara’s bedroom. He shifted a few of the pillows off the blue floral armchair in the living room and sat down. The calico cat jumped down from the window and strolled over to sniff at him. Apparently deciding he passed inspection, she jumped up into his lap.

Cara came in a few minutes later, leaving her shoes by the door and scooping up the brown tabby when it ran to her. “Looks like Rose has accepted you.”

“She’s sweet,” he said, continuing to pet the cat in his lap. “Who are the other two?”

“That’s Ivy,” she said, nodding towards the tuxedo cat who had taken Rose’s spot in the window. “And this is Daisy,” she said with a grin, tickling the cat in her arms under the chin. Daisy stared up at her with yellow eyes full of adoration. Cara pushed a few blankets over on the couch before sitting down, letting Daisy jump out of her arms and walk away. She leaned back on the couch and stretched her arms over her head before straightening up again and looking at Harry. “Hi. What’s up?”

“I was just in the area, thought I’d see if you had supper plans,” he said, noticing the faint shadow of bags under her eyes. He remembered the early hours of working at a bakery from when he was a teenager, wondered if she ever had a day to sleep in and take care of herself.

She still smiled at him despite her clear exhaustion, the corners of her eyes crinkling. “My plans were a frozen pizza I’ve had in the freezer for a week. I am definitely open to suggestions.”

“How about I go pick up take-out?” Harry offered. “You have any favorites around here?”

“There’s a pretty good Chinese place in town,” she said, getting up and going to a drawer in the kitchen. She pulled out a take-out menu and walked back to the sofa, offering it to Harry. “I usually get the chicken lo-mein or sesame chicken, but everything I’ve had there has been good.”

“Perfect,” he said, scanning through the menu. “I’ll pick it up. What would you like?”

“Sesame chicken, please,” she said, petting Ivy as she strolled across the back of the couch. “What’s your Venmo? I’ll send you the price.”

“No,” he said firmly. “This is my treat.”

“That is very sweet, but you really don’t have to.”

“I know,” he said, looking at her just as the sun from the window hit her in a beam of gold. The sun highlighted the shadows under her eyes even more. She had her feet curled under her and leaned against the pillows and blankets beside her, as if holding herself up was a little more work than she wanted at the moment. He smiled at her, something squeezing in his chest. “I want to. You do so much for so many people in this town. Let me do this for you.”

Cara tilted her head and watched him; the movement so similar to the same one her cats had made while staring out the window that Harry had to bite back his smile. She sighed and leaned further against the pillows. “Thank you, Harry. But next time is on me.”

He stood. “Deal. I’ll be back with supper.”

June 16

Harry S: When you asked for my address I didn’t realize you were sending me cookies

Harry S: My trainer is going to hate you

You could always eat them in moderation

Harry S: Find one person who can eat your cookies in moderation and I’ll show you a liar

 June 25

Harry S: Lorelai and Luke get together, I’m calling it now

Told you you’d like Gilmore Girls. Which season are you on?

Harry S: Just about to start season 2

I hate you for getting to watch it for the first time.

 June 27

Harry S: Dinner tomorrow?

Of course!

 Cara flopped onto her bed and let out a sigh. Between wedding shower cookie orders, family reunion cookie orders, and her usual customers, the past three weeks had been insane for the bakery. She hadn’t taken a full day off in three weeks, let alone taken the time to see her friends. Scrolling through her phone, she paused over her best friend Hannah’s name before clicking the name just below her in the contacts list.

“Hullo?” Something in her chest loosened at the sound of Harry’s voice. He was out in New York for the week for photoshoots and interviews, and as a result hadn’t made it out to the bakery. His texting had also been a more sporadic than usual, as he rushed from event to event. Cara refused to wonder how he had become such a fixture in her life in only a few short months.

“Do you have a minute?” she asked, staring at her ceiling as Ivy came over to snuggle against her side. “Or are you about to rush off to a fashion show?”

“I can always make time for you, love,” he said. She could hear the smile in his voice. “What’s going on?”

She huffed out a breath as Daisy jumped on the bed and walked across Cara’s stomach. “You chose a heck of a week to be gone. I could have used you in the kitchen to help with Annie Ramirez’s wedding shower order.”

“Did she end up choosing a theme?” he asked, something rustling on his end of the call.

Cara rolled her eyes, remembering the three changes to the order that were made over the course of two weeks. “Of course not. Luckily I was able to talk her into just ordering the variety mix and keeping me from committing murder.”

“I can’t imagine you killing anyone,” he mused.

“It would have been poison,” she replied, deadpan. “In the stupid wedding dress shaped sugar cookies she asked for the second time she changed her order.”

Harry laughed. “Sorry I couldn’t be there to help! Tell you what, as soon as I get back to California I’ll drive up to you and we’ll have a movie night. All the pizza and popcorn you can eat, and we’ll talk about the best ways to murder people through pastries.”

She grinned. “Deal. But you should sleep over. I don’t want you driving an hour and a half too late at night.”

“Alright, love,” he said. Someone called for him in the background. Harry sighed. “I’ve got to go. But I’ll be back day after tomorrow. Give Ivy a pet for me.”

“I will,” she said, petting Ivy as she said it. “Have fun, whatever you’re doing.”

“I’ll try,” he promised. “Get some sleep tonight. I know you’ve been working too hard lately.”

“I’ll try,” Cara promised. “Bye, Harry.”

“Bye, love,” he said just before she hung up.

Cara continued to lie on her bed, feeling better than she had all week.

 “The Mummy or Across the Universe next?” Cara asked as the credits for Dirty Dancing rolled on the TV screen. She sat on the opposite end of the couch from Harry, her feet in his lap. The extra pillows and blankets had all been neatly folded and placed on the armchair with Rose perched on top. Ivy slept stretched out along the side of Cara’s legs, head next to Harry’s hip. They had already gotten through two movies, a bag of hatch cheddar popcorn, and a large supreme pizza. Harry had spent more time watching Cara out of the corner of his eye than watching the movies.

“Across the Universe,” he said. “Keep the musicals coming.”

“Yes, sir,” Cara joked, getting up and switching out the DVDs. Harry bit the inside of his cheek, ignoring the jolt in his chest her statement caused. She settled back into her spot on the couch, swinging her feet into his lap again.

She looked better rested than he had expected after the month she’d had, although she was yawning more and more as the night got later. The shadows under her green eyes looked like her usual ones, much as he hated the thought of her having “usual” levels of exhaustion. Her blonde hair was tied up in a sloppy high ponytail, little bits falling loose around her face. Even in her denim shorts and an old T-shirt, he absently thought she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

Halfway through Across the Universe Cara shifted until she was lying down on the couch, curled up around a throw pillow. Harry watched as her eyes slowly blinked closed, taking longer and longer to open again until her chest rose and fell in the steady rhythm of sleep. He let her sleep through the rest of the movie, turning it off before the sound of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds playing over the credits could wake her up. He sat on the coffee table in front of her spot on the couch, admiring the jut of her cheekbones, the dusting of freckles across her nose, the curve of her lips. Reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, he froze.

“Oh shit,” he muttered, standing up and walking to the kitchen. “Shit.” He stood over the sink, knuckles white beneath his rings as he gripped the counter. He hung his head for a minute before looking at his reflection in the window. “You can’t fuck this one up,” he told himself. “You won’t fuck this one up.”

Harry returned to the living room; Cara still fast asleep on the couch. Carefully, as if she were made of glass, he lifted her into his arms and carried her into her bedroom. He gently set her down and threw the blanket at the end of the bed over her. Glancing around the room, he took in the pale wood dresser, the purple comforter on the bed, the framed nature photographs on the walls.  Looking back at Cara, he smiled at the thought that he would have guessed each of those things. He pulled the blanket up over her shoulder before leaving the room.

He fell asleep on the couch, Ivy snuggled up against his feet.

 August 21

Harry S: Want to go to the beach this week?

YES

Harry S: Monday?

I’m going to get so sunburned I’m so excited

Harry S: I’ll pack the sunscreen

 September 8

Do you think cats give us names? Like, do they call me Cara or am I something like Snarflewobble?

Harry S: Get some sleep, jesus Cara

 October 30

If I never see another pumpkin flavored thing in my life it will be too soon

Harry S: bad news about November, love

 November 20

Harry S: Should I bring anything for Thanksgiving? Rolls? Pie? Mashed potatoes?

My sister-in-law makes enough food for twenty people, so we should be good

BTW pretty sure my brother thinks we’re dating

Harry S: Your brother thinks you are dating him? What is wrong with your family?

Ew, no you idiot, he thinks you and I are dating

Harry S: So I should definitely put my arm around you at the table and call you pet names. Got it

Don’t make me regret inviting you

 December 30

I never actually stay awake for New Years Eve, but I probably would have if you were here, tbh

Harry S: You could have come with me to England. My family would love to meet you

No way could I close the bakery that long

Harry S: Next year, then

 January 1

Harry S: Happy New Year, love.

Happy New Year!

 January 23

Harry S: How are you better at painting my nails than the actual nail technician I go to?

Dumb luck

Harry S: Only ever coming to you for my nails now

 February 18

Good luck tonight! I’m sure you’ll win

Harry S: Thanks love

 The buzzing of her phone woke her up, the screen blindingly bright in the otherwise dark bedroom. Not bothering to check the caller ID, she answered. “Hello?”

“Sorry to wake you,” Harry’s low voice rumbled through the phone. “Can I come over?”

She blinked at the clock on her nightstand, glancing at the phone in her hand to double-check the time. “Harry, it’s one in the morning. Are you ok?”

“I, uh, won a Grammy.” His voice sounded stunned, like winning hadn’t fully hit him.

She laughed. “Harry, that’s great! But, shouldn’t you be at an afterparty or something in LA?”

“I skipped the afterparty,” he replied. “Just got in the car and started driving as soon as the awards were over. I’m ten minutes away, do you mind?”

She rubbed her hand over her face, unable to keep herself from smiling. “Of course. I’ll unlock the door. Come right on in, I’m not staying awake for long.”

“I’ll be there soon,” he promised. She hung up and dragged herself out of bed to unlock the door. Rose stayed on the bed, head tucked upside down as she slept. Ivy chirped and rubbed up against Cara’s legs as she stood in front of the door, pressing her forehead to the wood as she flipped the lock. Shaking her head and muttering about British accents, Cara went back to bed and snuggled up against her pillow.

She had started to doze off when she heard the front door open and close. Harry’s footsteps were quiet as he made his way from the hall to the bedroom doorway, lingering there. Cara opened her eyes, smiling up at him. She stretched an arm out and patted the empty side of the bed. “I’m not getting up. Come relax.”

Harry chuckled and removed his suit jacket before lying down beside her on top of the blankets. He rolled to his side to face her, careful to avoid nudging Rose and Daisy at the foot of the bed. Cara patted his face sleepily before closing her eyes again. “Congratulations on the Grammy.”

“Thanks,” he said, voice almost a whisper. “I can’t believe it.”

“Why didn’t you stay for the afterparty?”

She felt him shrug. “I just… I wanted to see you.”

Cara forced herself to open her eyes. Harry still faced her, although she couldn’t see his expression in the dark. The fluttering she always felt behind her ribs around Harry kicked up a notch until she was sure butterfly wings could be seen through her skin. She moved an inch closer to him. “You could have seen me tomorrow, you know. You didn’t need to drive two hours in the middle of the night.”

Harry reached out his hand as if he would touch her, only to pull it back and roll onto his back with his hand under his head. “I needed the drive. Cleared my head. I was halfway here before I even realized where I was going. You know, you’re the first person I want to tell about good news?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, the hand not under his head clenched in a fist by his side. “And the person I want to cry to when there’s bad news. And the person I just want to be around all the time. I’m so goddamn in love with you, Cara.”

The butterflies crawled up her throat, keeping her from saying any of the million and one stupid things that came to mind. She reached over to his clenched fist, loosening his fingers until she could slip her hand into his. Using his hand as an anchor, she wiggled over until she could rest her cheek on his shoulder. Cara pressed a kiss to his shirt-covered shoulder before propping herself up on her elbow and leaning over him. Even in the dark she could feel his eyes on her. Slowly enough for him to stop her, she leaned down and brushed her lips against his.

Harry groaned, sliding his hand out from under his head and into her hair. He kissed her again, lingering against her lips and pulling his other hand out from hers to instead rest on her back. Rolling them both over until they were both on their sides, Harry continued to kiss her. Cara reached up to stroke from the corner of his jaw down his neck and shoulder, letting her hand come to a stop on his bicep. She held on as their kisses became hungrier, as she pressed herself closer to him and desperately wished she had thought to throw the blankets off herself before starting to kiss him.

Cara pulled away to breathe, gasping as Harry shifted his kisses along her jaw, stopping to nip at her earlobe before moving down her neck. He leaned in towards her collarbone just as Rose got up from the end of the bed and walked up between them, squeezing herself in between their stomachs and effectively breaking the spell of the moment. Harry rolled onto his back again with another groan. Cara couldn’t help but laugh.

“One of the few times I wish I didn’t have cats,” she said, still giggling. “Or at least locked them out of the bedroom at night.”

Harry laughed, stretching out his arm and urging Cara closer again. She shook her head, forgetting he couldn’t see her. “You are not going to be comfortable sleeping in your suit. Also, you should get under the blankets.”

“Didn’t bring any pajamas, love.”

“I promise not to be offended by you sleeping in your underwear.”

He chuckled and got up, removing his suit and shirt and setting them on top of her dresser before returning to the bed. She held open the blankets for him to get under, snuggling up against his side again once he settled. Rose remained between them, refusing to give up her spot nestled between them. Daisy moved up to stretch out against Cara’s back, purring as Cara drifted off to sleep smiling.

[eleanor-devil]

Boruto: Sacrifices [Remade] | Chap.2 - The Aftermath

Written by: Eleanor-Devil & @mirage-05​​

Prologue | Chap.1 | Chap.2 - You’re here

"The sudden and violent attack on the Konoha orphanage left citizens shocked and in fear as the threat of a former enemy lurks over Konoha. While there is no confirmation that the incident is indeed linked to Orochimaru, one of the two legendary sannins still alive, the Hokage office searches for every possible clue. Thirty of the kids who are-" That was when Mitsuki decided that he didn't want to listen to more of it and turned off the television. The sun was barely up and the Konohamaru platoon was supposed to meet later for an easy mission and a training, but its youngest member had not slept very well to greet the new day. The days leading to the new moon had always been hard for him, and this cycle has been no exception, only topped with the recent incident. Was it really his father? Not much has been publicized yet about last night, and although Mitsuki didn't really believe his father was in any way involved, he found himself wondering why the Sannin had been the first person to come to mind. It wasn't really a matter of trust, because he refused to believe Orochimaru could act on impulse and without a good reason. It was a matter of curiosity. He proceeded to the counter to take a pill for his increasing headache when he heard his phone chime. He picked it up to see a text message from his best friend.

"Wanna catch up with us for a late b-fast? Sensei is gonna meet us there later." He thought about it for a moment, then typed. "Sure." Maybe a little walk could do good to clear up his head a little. ... It was a nice day outside, neither too cold nor extremely hot. They were to meet in a cafe they had frequented over the past year, when they kind of got bored of the numerous fast-food restaurants around the town. It was small, cozy and didn't have many customers around this hour, so it had, in one way or another, became their safe harbor. "We were beginning to wonder when you would be coming," Sarada said good-naturally when she saw Mitsuki approaching. "Boruto was about to come and get you." "I walked around for a while," Mitsuki said simply. Boruto and Sarada looked at each other for the shortest of seconds. "Is everything alright?" the girl asked finally. "Yup. So when will we get going?" said the blue-haired boy, sitting down on the chair next to Boruto and grabbing the toast that was among the many things his friends ordered. "Konohamaru sensei said he will be here in about half an hour." Boruto explained, also digging in. "Seems like we have a simple mission at hand, and then a training afterward." "Do you know what kind of mission?" "Well, we thought it might have something to do with... the orphanage," Sarada said and Mitsuki actually stopped for a second before he moved on to take a bite from the toast. "Apparently, there are a lot of things that need to be done, and most genin teams are already assigned." When his friend kept his silence, Boruto frowned a little. "Dude... you sure you don't want to talk?" The blue-haired boy looked at him with raised eyebrows. "And you became the team therapist, when...?" "You know what I mean! If you..." "Boruto." Mitsuki cut in, giving him a level look. "I'm not gonna break down or anything, as you well know, so let's just eat in peace, okay?" The blond thought better than to push forward. "Sure." he said, returning to his meal. ... “Wait… our mission is in the grade school?” Konohamaru sighed before rolling his eyes. “For the fourth time, Boruto… yeah, it is.” Boruto folded his arms with a slight pout before looking to the side. “Well I’m sorry I didn’t think they would give us a babysitting assignment, ‘ttebasa.” “And again, it’s not a babysitting assignment. We were requested by their homeroom teacher to demonstrate the ninja rankings - apparently, there are quite a few students who are interested in the ninja career.” “It makes sense.” Mitsuki mumbled. “After all, we are one of the two teams who has two genins, a chuunin and a jounin.” “Not to mention the current Hokage’s son, and the future Hokage.” Sarada said a little proudly, earning herself a glare from the blond. Konohamaru couldn’t help but smile at his team’s antiques. “Well, hurry up, you guys. We are expected to be there in half an hour.” … To be mild about it… the mission didn’t start as they expected at all. “Where do babies come from?” “C-come again?” Boruto stammered out, completely taken aback, just like his teammates, while the mortified homeroom teacher chided the children, a number of fifteen six-year-olds. “Now kids, this isn’t our topic of discussion-” “Bah, we already know the stupid old ninja ranks.” “And you wouldn’t explain to us when you went to meet your child last week - maybe they can.” At a loss for words, the three pre-teens looked sideways at their sensei. Konohamaru, who had gone very red in the face, became even more uncomfortable under their gaze. “W-why are you all looking at me, kore?” “Well, you are the adult.” Boruto pointed out. Sarada cleared her throat, feeling like she should take the lead as the next responsible person. “Uh… I guess we can say they come from the hospital.” The kids didn’t look at all impressed with the answer. “Well duh…” “Laaaaame…” “We’re not three-year-olds you know…” “Well…” Mitsuki chimed in helpfully and all the heads turned to him. “Sometimes… they come out of test tubes, too.” A hushed silence fell over the class as his team and the teacher gaped at the blue haired boy, complete with their mouths open, wondering what on earth was he talking about. “That’s… wow…” one of the kids finally whispered, awed. “Way better than the ‘storks brought you’ theory!” “Hey, does that mean there’s a baby lab somewhere?” Before he could say anything more and add to the awkwardness, Boruto, standing next to him, clasped his hand over Mitsuki’s mouth. The teacher was the first to snap out of it. “Very well,” he said, turning a triumphant and scary smile on the grade schoolers. “If you know the ranks so well, why don’t you enlighten us?” The first kid who spoke smirked. “Simple. Gonin. Juunin. And… er…” “No no, you got it wrong. It’s Ronin, Shunin and Kyuunin.” “Hey, you just made it up!” “So what? Do it better!” “Is it true you are the Hokage’s son?” Taken aback by the kid’s question (and more so by the fact that one of them finally spelled a rank correctly), it took the blond a while to reply. “Err… well, yeah.” The kid who asked the question gave him a once over. “Funny, you don’t look like it.” And immediately, Boruto’s expression became irritated. “Why you little brat…!” “Just let it go, Boruto!” Sarada turned to the students with a smile. “Okay, I will fill you in on the ranks. The lowest ninja rank you can attain is Genin, like my friends here.” She pointed at Boruto and Mitsuki. “You have to have a special set of skills to become Genin.” “Like what?” “Something you would have to figure out by yourselves when the time comes.” “Are all the Chuunins this boring?” the kid who had spoken up to Boruto asked with a yawn. The girl’s  cheeks flushed red with this. “Hey…!” The blond raised an eyebrow as a knowing smirk made its way to his face. “Hey, just let it go Sarada.” “That’s not the same!” “Sure it isn’t.” “And you become a Chuunin with an exam.” Mitsuki intervened immediately when the tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold. “If you remember, me and my team took it last year.” “How come only she became Chuunin then?” “Well, that’s because-” Sarada began, but was cut in. “Because she’s the daughter of Uchiha Sasuke!” a girl said with starry eyes, bringing the black haired girl to a halt. “H-how do you know that?” “That’s nothing to do with it.” Boruto said dismissively, and the girl found herself stiffening. “Uncle Sasuke took me in as an apprentice too.” “Are you trying to underestimate me?” the girl asked in a dangerous whisper. “Wha- it’s not your skills that are in question here, Sarada, it’s mine!” “Yeah well, maybe they do need some polishing.” “You two...” Konohamaru began with a frown, knowing which direction this was going. “Hey, if you’re gonna lash at me, why don’t we do it the old-fashioned way?” “Fine by me!” Without waiting, Sarada lunged at Boruto, who turned to face her in expectation… But before things could escalate any further, Mitsuki quickly worked his jutsu, extending his arms to catch his teammates from the middle and push them to the corners of the room. There was a round of collective gasps and a few oohs from the students. “And this,” the blue haired boy said pleasantly, “is not the way a Genin or Chuunin should act.” The kids began clapping Mitsuki. They couldn’t help it. Soon, Sarada and Boruto joined in the laughter as well. … “Well… this mission went well!” Boruto exclaimed with a huge grin. “The kids loved us!” “Well? To the contrary, I’m disappointed.” Konohamaru spared an unimpressed glance to the most vocal members of the team. “We were there to demonstrate those kids the ninja ranks, for one thing. And you guys’ behavior set them a bad example.” “Yeah, it wasn’t like those little punks were very interested.” “Irrelevant.” “Just because they said you didn’t look like Hokage-sama’s son…” “Hey, at least they didn’t call me boring.” “Enough, you two.” The Sarutobi’s voice was stern now. “You could both take a leaf out of Mitsuki’s book. I expect better collaboration in the training - if you want to defeat me, that is.” Just then, they were interrupted by a jounin coming up to them. “Konohamaru-san… you and Sarada-chan are required to attend a meeting in the hall in half an hour.” The Sensei and the Uchiha exchanged a brief look, already having an idea of what the meeting was about. “We will be there.” the young man replied crisply, and turned to the remaining members of his team. “All right, in light of this, we will have to cancel our training session. I will rearrange it for tomorrow and let you guys know.” “Aww man, now that Sarada is a Chuunin you two get all the fun!” This time, Konohamaru grinned as he punched the Uzumaki lightly on the shoulder. “All the more incentive to push yourself harder for the next exams. See you two tomorrow.” … The meeting hall was filled to its maximum capacity. Konohamaru, seated in the front lines where the Sarutobi clan members were, took a look around the huge room. All the six important clans were here, including his, as well as many important jounins and the ANBU. Naruto, the sixth Kakashi Hatake and some of their trustees were standing at the very front, facing all those who had gathered. They had just briefed all the Hokage office gathered about last night. For some odd reason, the setting reminded him of trials. There was a buzz of talking, which ceased immediately when Naruto cleared his throat. At the small pause before he started, Konohamaru met the eyes of Hyuuga Hanabi, who blushed slightly and gave him a very small smile, which he returned. "We've analyzed the nature and technique of last night's attack thoroughly." Naruto began, and everyone in the room returned to business mode. "The odds are in favor that Orochimaru is indeed after the attack. Three eye-witnesses reported that his curse mark was visible on the culprit." Naruto paused for a moment. Everyone in the hall kept their silence, but some of them looked at each other, as if coming to a silent agreement. "Now as for the precautions, we will triple the border guards and change the frequency of their shifts-" Konohamaru heard his clan's leader clearing his throat. Naruto looked over at him. "Yes, Sarutobi Kichiro-san?" he asked politely. “Excuse my intervention, Nanadaime-sama,” the leader of the Sarutobi clan started in a somewhat cold manner. “But I believe there’s a matter of utmost urgency before all these precautions.” There were murmurings around the room. “Please, share,” Naruto prompted, still politely formal, although wary of the calculating look in the old man’s eyes. He thought a brief, sarcastic smile appeared on the man’s lips before Kichiro turned to look at the people gathered in the hall. “Wouldn’t you agree,” he said, fixing his gaze on the Hokage again. “...that exiling Orochimaru’s son, Mitsuki, is our top priority?”