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mionemymind · 3 years ago

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Chapter 9: The Truth

Fake Memories

Series Summary: After Y/n is caught cheating on Wanda with Carol, Y/n would do just about anything to get Wanda back into her life. But was it even Y/n’s fault that she cheated? Or was it the new enemy set on revenge?

Chapter Summary: The after effects of the attack on New York have changed everything for the Avengers, Wanda, and Y/n.

A/n: I have managed to write this all within one day. I’m sorry if there are any mistakes but please let me know your thoughts love :) (Not my GIF)

Warnings: Fighting, Hydra, Blood, Mentions of Death, Anxiety, Curse Words

Word Count: 4.9k

Masterlist

Covered in ash, dirt, and dried-up blood, Steve was a walking disaster as he paced through the hospital waiting room. Well, if you would call it a hospital that is. It’s been less than an hour since the Avengers have controlled the fires in New York but the troubling news of Y/n and Wanda brought them to a halt.

They quickly rushed to the “hospital”, which was just an empty leased building before being revamped into a hospital for this emergency. The walls were made up of light green curtains. You couldn’t even separate the blood-curling screams from down the hall to the one next to you.

“Stop pacing Rogers. You’re making my head hurt,” Tony said as he sat next to his suit. He had managed to borrow one of the hospital’s tablets to see if there were any updates that could remotely be done to the tower. So far, no luck had been made to reboot F.R.I.D.A.Y or power up the building in general. “Don’t tell me what to do,” he bit back.

Before Tony could say anything, Natasha lightly elbowed him in the stomach to keep him hushed. Now was not the time to start fighting especially at a time like this. “Are you any closer to powering up the tower?” She asked. If Natasha was nervous, she sure as hell didn’t show it. While the assassin did have a similar beat-up look like Steve, her composure was almost too relaxed. However, if Steve cared to notice, he could quickly see how big of a lie that was but his mind was only focused on the two youngest Avengers.

On the other side of the building lied Wanda and Y/n. The only thing separating those two was the thin green curtain and the team of tired nurses and doctors that surrounded them. And while the two have been closer before, this was the first time in a while that they both slept peacefully by each other. It didn’t matter the circumstances of how they slept, but rather what they dreamt...and it was of each other.

“What do you think we would have been like if we lived normal lives?” It was a late afternoon on a sunny day in spring. Wanda and Y/n laid down in the grass under a tree that shadowed them from the sun. Today was one of their off days and seeing as the weather was nice, the two felt like it was a perfect time to go to the park.

“Well, we would obviously attend school.” Wanda was lying down on her back with a dandelion in her hand as Y/n laid on her side, using her left hand to support her head. “I can honestly see you as being the popular person or maybe even the President of some type of political club.”

“What makes you say that?” The soft breeze that covered them came once again, which blew the pappis away. The small frown on Wanda’s faced made it hard for Y/n to focus but she still responded, “You just have this powerful aura to you, Wanda. When you talk, people listen. But what you do better is how easy it is for us to believe you. That’s something not a lot of leaders can do.”

“You make it sound like I’ll be the next President of the United States,” Wanda replied jokingly. “I wish.” Wanda pushed Y/n back slightly as she laughed but all Y/n did was smile at the action. “But what about me? What do you think I would be like?”

Putting her finger to her chin, Wanda thought for a moment before saying, “Honestly, without your powers, you are probably a film nerd at heart. Maybe just a nerd in general.”

“Hey! Now you’re just being mean.” Wanda rolled her eyes as she threw away the dandelion stem. She turned her head to face Y/n. There was this adoration in her eyes that quickly made Y/n blush. “Who cares. All I know is if anyone decides to mess with you, they’ll obviously have to go through me.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me the President of the political science club is going to come to my rescue?”

“Duh! I’ll probably yell at them or something. If not, I’m not afraid to get nasty.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“How’d you let them get away?” Fury said as he walked into the hospital that Y/n was at. The man was not in his finest hour. First, the mass destruction of New York city was blasting on the news. Reporters and anchors are not looking in favor for the heroes regardless of the actions they’ve taken to try and minimize the damage. Many were angry at the mere fact that this happened at all.

“Someone on their team had quickly teleported them to safety,” Carol stated. The girl has been feeling nothing but guilt for the past hour. Although she did save Wanda and Y/n, the state she had found them in only did worse for her thoughts. “Even if I did try to catch up to them, the lack of response from Wanda and Y/n meant something. I probably couldn’t have faced them alone if I tried.”

Before Fury could have walked any further into the building, Carol grabbed him by the arm, forcing him to look at her. “Her ears were bleeding Nick...I think they did something to her head again.”

Wanda woke up with a slight headache, the dream vaguely on her mind. As she started to grasp her surroundings, she only grew more confused. “Where am I?” She thought. The loud beeping beside her combined with screams and loud thoughts overwhelmed Wanda. Feeling the need to get out, she quickly started to remove the various wires on her as the recent events caught up to her. “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to lay back down,” the nurse asked kindly.

“Where’s Y/n?” Wanda almost lost her balance as she stepped off her bed. She used the nurse in front of her to regain her balance, before walking out of her “room”. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ask again, please lay back down or I will have to get security.”

The threat was the last thing on Wanda’s mind. All she could focus on was finding Y/n. Using her powers, she closed her eyes and tried to sense where Y/n was. Considering the girl was right beside her, it didn’t take long for Wanda to find out.

Quickly walking over to the side of her room, Wanda pushed the curtain to the side but the sight in front of her made everything stop. There was Y/n, battered and bruised. There was drywall dust on her face along with dried-up blood. “Y/n,” Wanda whispered in disbelief. Much to Wanda’s dismay, Y/n didn’t respond. She remained unresponsive on the bed.

Reaching out to try and hold her hand, Wanda was pulled back by the same nurse. “Ma’am, please let the doctors and nurses do their jobs while you go back to your bed.” Wanda shrugged off her hand, her eyes glowing red as she said, “Don’t.”

Wanting to be by Y/n’s side, Wanda tried to walk towards her again but Steve’s voice made her stop. “Wanda.” Turning back around, Wanda first noticed just how beat up Steve was. His helmet was off which made Steve oddly look like a raccoon. If times were different, maybe Wanda would have laughed. Instead, she stormed out of the room, feeling more overwhelmed.

“I’m sorry about her ma’am,” Steve said with a courteous nod.

Wanda sat on the ledge of the roof. The slight breeze of the night was coursing past her as she mindlessly fiddled with her fingers, a nervous habit she developed after her parents’ death. It was during a harsher breeze that Wanda touched her forehead where the slight open injury was at. She had left the floor just moments ago and somehow her feet led her here. Although she knew that she needed someone to look at the injuries she sustained, her mind was focused elsewhere. It was plagued with thoughts about the girl that was still entrapped in a room full of doctors that had no clue how to treat her. Wanda knew it was wrong of her to read their minds, but she hoped that at least one of them at least knew where to start. Panic and anxiety filled the redhead’s body the more she realized that no one knew how to help Y/n. Soon, the room felt as if it was enclosing on her. Before Steve realized she was about to break down, she left to sort out her thoughts and emotions.

Wanda had been so deep in thought that she hadn’t noticed Carol leaning against the entrance of the roof. The blonde was only a couple of feet away from Wanda wearing black sweatpants and a shirt. The girl was wrapping up a mission when she saw the text from Y/n. Carol didn’t know whether the drop in her heart was from the fake feelings Memory Man had created or whether she genuinely cared about the girl’s wellbeing. It didn’t matter though. What mattered was Y/n’s safety.

Carol leaned up against the ledge while surveying the view. They were a foot away from each other but it didn’t take a mind reader to know that both girls were thinking about Y/n. Ironically enough, they each had their separate thoughts about how they failed to protect Y/n. For Wanda, she felt as if she was the sole reason that Y/n got hurt. If she had only conquered her abilities more, Y/n wouldn’t have had to sacrifice herself again just to protect her. Not only that, but Wanda felt beyond frustrated with herself for being so frozen and paralyzed as the enemy hurt Y/n right in front of her eyes. There was nothing holding her back besides herself and that was something that will haunt her for a while. For Carol, she felt that if she were just a bit faster and maybe not a galaxy away, she would have reached them in time to help.

After a couple of minutes of silence, Wanda sidely glanced at Carol. The first thing she noticed was her attire. It didn’t take long for the dots to connect before she realized that it was Y/n’s clothes Carol was wearing. Wanda bit her tongue at the ounce of jealousy and resentment that decided to rise within her. This was no time to start arguments especially with the person that helped Y/n just in the nick of time. So Wanda had opted for a different but just as difficult route. “Thank you.”

Carol heard but decided to remain silent. Clearing her throat, Wanda continued, “I’m not sure what would have happened if you hadn’t found us.” Finally, the two made eye contact as Carol glanced at Wanda. “I’m only here for Y/n,” Carol deadpanned. Wanda choked at her words but still had a serious composure. They both looked back at the city but there was a more tense feeling in the air. Carol hadn’t cared if the words had hurt Wanda. What she cared for was Y/n. But the looming question in the back of her head was always if this was a genuine feeling or if it was forced. However, the way her heart overwhelmingly felt angered at the person beside her, she knew that at this time, the feeling was genuine.

Subconsciously, Wanda felt the emotions that leaked out of the blonde. She didn't need to go in her mind to realize that. It felt like Carol’s guard was down leading her aura to be seen. It had covered the area surrounding the two in such a suffocating manner that Wanda felt like she couldn’t breathe. The two most compelling emotions were the anger she held for her and the love she had for Y/n. As she cracked her knuckles, Carol muttered, “It is quite ridiculous the things Y/n continuously goes through for a team that can barely return the favor.”

“You don’t get to-”

“Now listen here. I don’t quite care much for your team. Frankly, y’all don’t deserve Y/n.” The two faced each other with such intensity that one wrong move could cause a fight with two of the galaxy’s most powerful superheroes. “But if I’m being honest, you don’t deserve Y/n.” Wanda’s fists clenched at Carol’s words. It took everything out of the redhead to not fling Carol out of New York, because how dare she accuse her of such atrocities.

“If I were you, I would stop where you’re at,” Wanda said threateningly. The spiral scarlet glow in her eyes only made Carol chuckle. “You know you’re not the only one with powers.” Carol’s fist glowed with the same intensity as Wanda’s eyes. But the threats were pointless as the two had stopped at the same time.

“You don’t see it but you should feel lucky Wanda.” Cocking her eyebrow, Wanda responded with, “And why is that?” The redhead remained in a defensive stance as she crossed her arms. Carol walked closer to her and placed her hand on Wanda’s shoulder. Wanda was still tense but it slightly faltered when she saw how serious Carol was. “There’s a girl out there that loves you even when her mind and heart tell her otherwise.” And with that, Carol left Wanda to herself.

The burning feeling in his legs shouldn’t have felt familiar but it did. It reminded him of the body that he held through New York’s streets. It reminded him of the blood all over his hands and clothes. It reminded him of that fateful night that he failed.

And as he stormed into the hospital with nobody in his hands, something in the way that the team looked made his blood drain. Before Bucky could ask about Y/n’s whereabouts, Beth had walked in. Seeing her familiar face caused Bucky to be slightly relaxed but still anxious about what she could possibly say.

“I have an update on Y/n’s health.” Carol had walked into the room and her attention immediately landed on Beth. “Tell us, Beth,” Fury said.

“As of right now, she will be fine. The doctors have her hooked up to a solution that is allowing her regeneration abilities to work. But-,” before Beth could finish her update, Tony had stood up and loudly commented, “- Great, now that we know Ms. Hydra is okay, can we get back to the real issue at hand?”

As Carol was about to advance to Tony, it was Beth’s words that made the room quiet. “Of course it would be the self-righteous billionaire that would talk shit.” Tony’s head snapped towards Beth. “Excuse me?!”

Beth glared back at Tony, not daring to back down. Her arms were crossed as she continued, “Don’t act like you can’t hear me, or is your ego too far high for you to actually listen?”

Walking towards Beth, Tony said, “Listen here you son of a-” Before Tony could get any closer to Beth, Bucky had used his arm to stop him. “I wouldn’t if I were you.” Tony forcefully removed Bucky’s hand from his chest. He stepped away from Beth, not wanting to deal with what he thinks of as just some pathetic nurse.

“You know what the real issue is Tony - actually - all of you. It’s the fact that you seriously think of Y/n to be this villain.” Beth had let out a dark chuckle at the irony of the situation. “Or have you forgotten the shit you’ve ALL done? Let’s name them, shall we?”

“Beth-” Beth glared at Bucky. She didn’t care if this wasn’t the time nor the place for this conversation, because God was she so tired of them. “Tony, remember all the weapons that you’ve created for mass destruction and have yet to actually own up to the consequences of them?”

“I would stop there if I were you before-”

“Before what?!” Beth said as she threw her hands up. “Before you sue me?! Before you attack me?! Oh - that’s it, isn’t it? What are you gonna do? Kill me? Like how you did with Y/n?!” The room grew more silent as everyone besides Bucky and Beth digested her words. “It’s honestly sad how a bunch of adults has managed to push a KID to take their life away. All for what?! Because you thought she cheated on Wanda! News fucking flash - she didn’t even fucking cheat.”

“What?” Steve said. The shock of Beth’s words was still affecting him. “It was Memory Man. He had put fake memories in Y/n’s and mine’s heads. That was the whole reason we kissed - wait - did you not know about this?” The team was frozen while Carol and Fury impatiently waited for answers.

Not caring to wait for their pathetic excuses, Beth said, “It’s not like it matters what they have to say. They don’t even care for Y/n but for those that actually do. Right now we have no clue what her mind is going to be like. Memory Man has already given her enough damages before and considering we don’t know the full extent of his powers, we can only wait till she wakes up to see if she will actually be okay. Now if you don’t mind, I have a patient to take care of.”

Before Beth could leave, Bucky grabbed onto her arm. He gave her a look but Beth wasn’t having any of it. Ripping her arm from his grip, she stated, “Don’t Bucky. You know how much your family has hurt her. So don’t just stand there and act like they’re saints especially since you know how much Y/n needed you.”

It’s been a couple of days since the attack in New York and Y/n has since woken up. She has barely spoken to Beth, Bucky, Carol, or Fury. Although Estell’s presence would have been welcomed, Beth has yet to tell the girl the news of Estell’s death. Unfortunately, during the attack, she was shot and killed on sight by Hydra. The only reason Beth knew was from the long list of deaths she read on TV.

“We need to transport Y/n to a different location,” Fury said in a small meeting that consisted of only Bucky and Carol. “I agree. Since Hydra has managed to infiltrate the tower once, who knows when they’ll do it again.”

“That’s why a different country will do her better than here.” Fury sighed at the decision that was laid upon them. New locations will always be hard to adjust to but that wasn’t all of it. “Wanda will remain as Y/n’s guard.”

Abruptly standing from her chair, the loud screeched filled the room. “Are you serious?!” Fury’s expression didn’t change as Carol only grew with rage. “She could hardly take care of herself during the attack. What makes you think she could possibly take care of Y/n?”

“The girl was simply outnumbered. We all were.” Moving to get the file that was beside him, he slid it on the table. Bucky grabbed it and had started to silently read it. “But I need the both of you on the front lines. After what Beth has said, I need you two to make sure that the team is actually doing their job. They were supposed to have found out about Hydra’s plans before the attack, now I’m starting to think they didn’t even try.”

Carol was still angry at Fury’s decision to which he sighed. “You will know of Y/n’s location at all times. I will let her have a remote that when activated should send you a signal. Since you’re back on Earth, you’ll get to her in seconds.” Carol sat back down in her seat. Although she was still mad at Fury’s decision, she felt better knowing that Y/n could signal her for help.

“Now, I need you to say your goodbyes for now. Y/n leaves in an hour.”

Wanda stood in the foyer of the hanger as various agents loaded up the quinjet with materials that she and Y/n would need for the time they were gone. She was informed of the last-minute decision just moments ago by Fury himself.

“Please take care of her.”

The words echoed in her head as it had been the only time she’s seen Fury actually care deeply for somebody else. Before she could ponder more about it, Beth had interrupted Wanda’s thoughts. “Wanda?”

Turning around to the source of the sound, Wanda stood in front of a young blonde woman with intense eyes. “I’m Beth,” she said as she held out her hand. Wanda reluctantly shook it, not quite sure as to who this lady actually was. “I’m Y/n’s friend.”

“Great, another pretty girl I have to worry about,” Wanda thought. “Well, I’m also her nurse but I think she would consider me her friend as well.” Wanda stood awkwardly not really knowing how to respond.

Using this opportunity, Beth handed Wanda a bag full of medicine and vitamins. “I know this will be a lot to ask of you but could you please take care of Y/n?” There was no doubt in Wanda’s mind that this girl in front of her meant well. The nurturing feeling in her aura surrounded Wanda.

“That girl has been through a lot and I would know.” Confused by the intensity of her words, Wanda couldn’t help but ask, “How do you know this?”

“I’ve been her nurse for a while now.” This news only confused Wanda even more. “Was she injured before the attack?”

“What is it with you guys and not knowing a single thing about Y/n?” Beth thought. She started to get irritated at the thought of another Avenger hurting Y/n. She could only hope Wanda was different from the rest. However, Wanda heard Beth’s thoughts and said, “What do you know that I don’t?”

Beth scoffed at the question and replied, “The truth.” The simplicity of her answer made Wanda internally roll her eyes. Whether she admitted it or not, she had started to feel territorial over the fact somebody else knew Y/n better than her.

“Wanda let’s go!” Fury yelled from afar. The two looked over and saw Y/n hug Carol, Fury, and Bucky goodbye. Oddly enough, she looked emotionless when she did it. “Just please don’t fuck up again.” Wanda didn’t answer respond back to Beth because if she did, something bitchy would have probably left her mouth. Instead, she walked over and into the quinjet. She buckled into the seat closest to Y/n but the girl didn’t give any attention to Wanda. She remained silent and focused on her hands for the whole ride while Wanda thought more and more about what Beth meant.

“Now that we’re all here let’s get started.” Fury turned on the projector and the first image the was on the screen was New York on fire during the attack. “So far, we’ve received word that there have been 125 casualties and approximately around 500 critical injuries suffered from the attack.” Click.

“However, we face a bigger number when it comes to those that are currently missing. Estimating from 600 - 1000 people are found to be missing. And since we have efficiently cleared the rumble from the damages, our sources have found out how they’ve gone missing.” Click.

Footage of the event was playing but in the location of the subways. One by one, explosions could be seen in various parts of different train passages. It didn’t take long for Hydra soldiers to infiltrate the train systems but all camera footage cut to black. “Hydra has effectively taken hostages of those that were on the train during that night. They have used bombs to blast any chance of us going after them in these tunnels.”

“Is there a way to locate the subways?” Steve asked. “Since New York hardly invests in their transportation department, they are unable to track any of their subways. More than likely, Hydra has already disposed of them in case they were to be tracked.” Click.

“What we need is to figure out where these people have gone. This many hostages taken is something we cannot allow. And considering we have hardly been able to figure out their plans before the attack, I can only assume the worse when it comes to this.” Fury turned the projector off and continued his speech.

“Bucky and Carol will be removed from their current missions to assist the team with this situation. There will be absolutely no complaints about this. Any signs of lack of cooperation, I will gladly remove you and ban you from missions indefinitely.” Fury looked around the team once more and felt disgusted at the people he has to work with. Giving them no time to reply, he left the room not being able to stand the sight of them anymore.

Since they were dismissed, part of the team left in a hurry until it was down to three people. Tony was about to leave when Steve said, “Are you going to apologize to Y/n?” The question was genuine and serious because ever since that night, Steve had been unable to sleep. All he wished he could do was apologize to Y/n but the girl refused to see him. Unfortunately, he understood why.

“Why should I? It doesn’t change anything.” Steve stood up and slammed the table with his hand. “We killed her Tony.” Tony walked in front of Steve. “I didn’t do anything,” he sneered.

“Steve. Tony. We need to calm down,” Natasha said as she watched the two go at it. “Don’t act so mighty Natasha. I heard you bullied the girl too.” This comment caused Natasha’s jaw to harden. “Aww, did I hit a nerve?” Tony childishly asked. “Oh fuck off Tony. There you go again bringing other people down when you can hardly accept what you’ve done. YOU took away Y/n’s funds. She couldn’t even afford anything.”

“But you watched me do it, Rogers. You could have done something too yet you let it happen. So don’t patronize me. Nothing of what she said changes anything.” Tony quickly left the room as he felt himself explode in anger. This didn’t even surprise Steve anymore. He was tired of keeping the family together when it was clear now that it was meant to be apart.

“Here we are,” Wanda said as she dropped her bags in the living room. Looking at her surroundings, the flat was a decent size. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a kitchen, living room, and accommodations on the floor below them.

“So what do you-,” Y/n hadn’t responded to Wanda’s question as she zoomed past her and walked into her room. Softly closing the door shut, Wanda sighed at her reaction. It wasn’t a surprise but Wanda still couldn’t help but feel hurt by it all. “I guess I should start unpacking.”

It’s been a couple of weeks since Y/n and Wanda started to live together in the flat located in the small town of Edinburgh. While Wanda mainly kept the place tidy, Y/n remained in her room all the time unless it was to use the bathroom or to eat. The only time she would even dare to be close to Wanda was during dinner. If it was breakfast or lunch, Y/n would take what Wanda cooked for the day into her room.

But Wanda was stubborn. She always left Y/n little notes of her whereabouts anytime she left for an errand but a small compliment would always be at the end of it. Sometimes she would knock on Y/n’s door and ask if she would want to watch a movie with her. Obviously, Y/n never answered but Wanda continued to ask. Other times, Wanda would think of Y/n’s favorite foods and would cook them for dinner that night. And while Y/n had never said it out loud, the empty plate she left in front of her always made Wanda swell with joy.

However, tonight was going to be different. Usually, the two would sit in silence as Wanda would have the tv playing in the background but Wanda needed to hear Y/n’s voice. Not only that, but she was hoping that the truth would come out as well.

Trying to figure out a way to break the silence, it was oddly Y/n that had done it first. “Why don’t you hate me?” At first, Wanda was shocked that Y/n had actually spoken, but the girl regain her composure and said, “Why would I hate you? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Y/n was silent for a moment until she said, “But I killed your brother.”

Chapter 10

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#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda x reader #fake memories

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alkalinefrog · 3 years ago

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hey, so, I had an art related question... if all of this is too much, feel free to ignore it.

the backstory is that I've had the same laptop since early high school but recently I had a birthday (I'm 28 now). my parents got me an HP laptop, and my friend got me a tablet, which she bought off of an online friend for $30. the problem is that I haven't had new technology like... ever? none that was actually mine anyway, and certainly nothing that could handle me using it for art.

and this is especially a problem when it comes to the tablet. my friend helped me get firealpaca onto the laptop, and get the tablet set up with the right drivers, aaaaand... I cannot make one line that looks good using it. I've been using pen and paper for so long and I have a really light touch, and it feels like I have to jam the pen down to get it to register, at which point I might as well have not set the pen sensitivity to anything at all because the thickest line is the only kind I can make?? any lighter and it won't show up on the screen at all. like I can ctrl+z and it doesn't even go back a step, the line didn't get drawn. there's like a 20% chance that any line I try to put down won't actually register. and tbh this isn't really what I had wanted... it's a huion tablet, which is the brand I wanted, but I was gonna buy myself one where you can see what you're drawing on the screen of the tablet itself. not just due to coordination issues, I think I could get used to that part, but because I feel like I wouldn't be having this specific problem with getting things to register. every single line I make looks like crap with this tablet, it makes me feel like I might as well be drawing with my feet, and I've been fidgeting with settings, and it doesn't seem like anything helps. I also still don't have a mouse for the laptop yet, so I can't click and drag anything very well because it has a trackpad, so messing with sliders is already aggravating.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed, and like if I buy anything else, I'm just going to end up with more unusable stuff because *I'm* probably the problem. I just don't know anything, and trying is mentally fatiguing me so quickly... my brain knows what I want my art to look like, and my hands can do it with a real pen. I just have absolutely no clue how to make this machine produce anything.

so I guess my questions are stuff like, what equipment do you use? are there tablets that will register a light touch or am I really going to have to be this heavy handed in order to work with one? what resolution/canvas size do you usually work on? any recommendations for what program to use?

overall, I'd really like to get myself something that feels more intuitive than the tablet... honestly, I was finding some success drawing with just my finger on the touch screen of my phone at one point. there were still a lot of problems with that, but the nail in the coffin was that my phone's memory space filled up and I had to get rid of the drawing app to make it functional again (it's an iphone, which is why). maybe I should just get an ipad or something...? though, one more thing on the mountain of potential options is the last thing my crumbling ADHD brain needs. I've been taking a break from art in general because I've still maintained my 40-hours-a-week work schedule through the whole pandemic... I do 10 hour shifts and work overnight, so I technically have free time since I only work 4 days a week, but the type of work I do leaves me with no energy at all. so I've been in an art slump and I've been wanting to get out of it, but this is just making art feel impossible, even though the whole reason why I've always wished I could draw digitally is so that I can color digitally. I had been drawing things in pen and scanning them to color in photoshop, but cleanup takes so long that I literally can't produce finished work anymore. I'm out of options that aren't prohibitively labor intensive and frustrating.

this was probably way too much information, but if you have any advice I'd be really grateful.

Huh, well first off HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE!! Congrats on the sweet new tech (even if it's been a bit frustrating) and well-deserved celebration!

From the sounds of it I think the main issue is probably your tablet (this is pure speculation on my end though, so you know, grain of salt and all). You're right in that you shouldn't have to fight against your equipment. I have a really light touch too and I've never had the same issue. I personally don't have any experience with huion tablets, but if you're having trouble getting your lines to register then it might have been worn down by the previous user. It's not so much about buying a monitor (the screen one) vs. tablet so much as getting working equipment.

An iPad is a great alternative!! I've played around with the apple pencil and procreate and it's a super intuitive program with (obviously) super easy set up! You get the drawing on the screen AND really nice pen pressure. I'm really happy seeing it opening up new doors for more people to get into digital art!

In terms of your current laptop/tablet situation:

My set up rn is pretty pricey ngl; I have a PC desktop computer with a 16 inch Wacom Cintiq. Getting started in digital art doesn't mean you have to drop a bag on a ton of equipment right from the get go though! If you're looking for a safe small investment, I'd recommend getting a Wacom Bamboo pen tablet!

This lil' baby right here is what I started with!! I think cost-wise it floats around 70ish bucks, but that's exponentially more affordable than buying a huge monitor. One of my friends who's also a pro artist uses a similar small tablet because it works great! That's an alternative that might be worth looking into.

You can also get free trials on other drawing programs (clip studio paint is a great one!) To test and see if it's a software issue with firealpaca.

You could also try checking online forums to see if anyone else is running into similar issues, or watch some YouTube videos of people reviewing different tablets. I know this might be even more overwhelming, so I'd try and narrow the scope to focus on one thing at a time.

My best advice right now would actually be to get a mouse, or any other accessories you need. I've also been in your shoes where I was completely overwhelmed, and I can say that checking off all the small easy things makes a HUGE difference! It makes you feel more in control of the situation, and even if you're still having trouble with digital art you can at least get more comfortable using your laptop in the mean time.

You got this dude!! I believe in you!!

EDIT:

Thanks @wooliebirds!

#ask #anonymous #advice

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hufflautia · 4 years ago

Text

Believe me darling, the stars were made for falling

Hello! I didn’t expect to post this “fanfic” because I didn’t write it specifically for fanfiction, if that makes sense. Today, (well it is technically tomorrow for you or perhaps you’re not viewing this on the day that I posted it. today is 12/11 (technically its 12/12 because its 1:39 AM rn lmao i did my makeup and it took longer than expected)) my creative writing teacher told us to write a short piece for a character that I created for the class. I wrote it and I thought about posting it because I liked the idea of it, and I felt as though the main character had slytherin vibes. I also really like the ending, and I wanted to share it with others.

This is not a typical slytherpuff story. It has no magic involved. Slytherin and Hufflepuff are normal people like you and me, aka muggles (or maybe you’re not a muggle( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) who knows?). The story has nothing to do with Harry Potter. Thus, I am creating another section for my masterlist and it will be labeled “somefink special” because its not technically harry potter related. However, it will always have Hufflepuff and Slytherin in it, because I made sure to change the names from the original character. Stories like this is just a work of art that I would like to share with others, so I think of it as somefink special (and somefink is not an actual word, its supposed to be “something” but i just think the spelling is funny). I’m not sure if I will post more stuff like this, as in stuff that doesn’t relate to harry potter but still has my usual characters. Heck, perhaps I’ll write fanfics like this but for other character ships like Slytherin x Ravenclaw or the other ones. We shall see.

Anyways, this “quick” author’s note is running a little long, so I will end it here. I hope you guys enjoy reading this! TOODELOO

FYI, this is not my “monthly” fanfic. In other words, this isn’t the only fanfic that I will be posting for december. I will still be posting The Queen and the Dragon soon (around Christmas). I am almost done with the college process, I need to revise some of my essays and I will finally submit it. After that, I will continue writing the long story. I am currently stuck at a difficult scene that will require a lot of thinking, hence the delay. OK BYE NOW, THIS IS THE FOR-REALSIES TOODELOO :D!

***WARNINGS: Drug abuse, addiction, and suicidal thoughts

Summary: Slytherin is hanging out with her favorite person in the entire world: Hufflepuff, her darling little sister. They lay beneath the stars, comfortable silence drifting upon them like a soft blanket that wraps around them, keeping them safe from outside forces that threaten their moment of contentment. This small pocket of tranquility is rare—and Slytherin knows this. She knows it all too well. As if on cue, it breaks into shattered pieces when she overhears their parents arguing. Again. Dread stealing her breath, a familiar urge rises once more, an urge that is more destructive than she realizes. She wishes the overwhelming feeling of anxiety would go away. And it could—with the help of a couple of pills.

Slytherin smiled, a feeling of mirth warming her heart when she saw the smile plastered on her sister’s face as they laid on their backs against the porch floor, staring up at the stars. She took a hold of Hufflepuff’s hand, her touch slightly sweaty but cold at the same time. She didn’t mind and merely gave it a light squeeze. A cool night breeze blew past them, the wind’s touch like gentle kisses against their skin.

This was nice. This was really nice. Slytherin hardly had any time for herself this week, because she was busy with exam after exam, stress piling on top of her before she could even take a breath of air. To her relief, the burdens finally lifted because it was Saturday, and she didn’t have to worry about school. She was with her sister, and that was all she needed. In fact, she was so comfortable and content that she didn’t even think about the drugs. A pestilent part of her, the part that was created the moment she swallowed the white pill down her throat, urged her to go inside. To walk nonchalantly towards the bathroom with a pace that was fast enough so that she would get to where she wanted to go quickly but slow enough to not attract any attention. To snatch her mom’s bottle of Xanax and hurry to her own room, making sure to lock the door before sitting on her bed. To pop the drug into her mouth and allow the artificial feeling of euphoria to overtake her.

But that destructive part of her settled down, for she was with the person she loved most. Their surroundings dark enough to see the hazy glow of the stars above, they laid there, gazing upon the night sky. Aside from the soft rustling of the trees nearby and the occasional giggles that spilled from her sister’s mouth because that’s just how 10-year-olds were, it was quiet and peaceful.

But like most things, it didn’t last for long.

“You fucking asshole!”

Through the walls, Slytherin could hear her mother’s muffled words, her tone hot and angry. Whenever her parents argued, they would spit curse words out like poison, the dreadful toxin targeted at each other with the intent to kill and destroy.

She sighed. For once, just for once, why couldn’t things be normal? She desperately wished that the comfortable silence that drifted upon them could come back, and she would gladly welcome it with open arms.

However, she felt Hufflepuff squeeze her hand, and she knew that the peace that she had known a few minutes ago would not return. Not for a while. Squeezing her hand was a nervous habit of Hufflepuff’s—a habit that Slytherin was well aware of. Even if she tried her very best to shield her darling sibling from the atrociousness of their home-life, it was essentially impossible.

Her sister was young and so terribly innocent. If she could, she would take all the pain that Hufflepuff endured from living in a dysfunctional household and pour it into herself. That way, she wouldn’t have to suffer.

But this wasn’t a fairy tale. Slytherin didn’t have magical powers to take their suffering away. She couldn’t give her sister the happy ending that she deserved. This was reality, and they would just have to endure this for a while.

“I’ll be right back,” she whispered before opening the porch door and stepping into the dungeon that she called home. Dread seemed to choke her as she neared her parents’ room, inhaling sharply at the sound of shouts that seemed to boom from the walls.

Gingerly turning the knob of their door, she peeked inside. Tears trickled down her mother’s face, her slightly red eyes ablaze with anger. “I can’t believe you would cheat on me again!”

Her dad started to mutter something lowly but she cut him off. “Do you have any idea how much this affects me,” she said in disbelief. “How much this affects your children?”

She suddenly caught sight of Slytherin, who immediately felt a sinking feeling in her chest when she was caught lurking. The feeling intensified when her mom walked towards her.

Slytherin immediately withdrew and tried to close the door but her mom opened it enough to fixate the full force of her anger onto her daughter. “Why can’t you mind other people’s business,” she hissed before slamming the door shut, leaving her in complete darkness.

There it was. The breaking point. Her face contorted into a grimace as she tried to will the tears away. Her sadness quickly morphed into annoyance. “I hate her,” she thought angrily as she walked to her room. “She’s gonna wish she didn’t say that when she finds me dead on the fucking floor.” Her chest heaved with sorrow and a torrent of emotions clashed within her. A million thoughts zoomed through her head. Fucking bitch, I fucking hate you. I hate everything. I wish I was never born into this family. I hate my parents, I hate my mom, I hate my dad. Why the fuck did he have to cheat? Were we not enough?

She was frustrated and resentful, but most of all, she was broken inside. She needed to calm the raging storm of anxiety within her—and she knew exactly what to do.

Hiding the bottle of Xanax in her pocket, she walked towards her room. Just as she was opening her door, she felt someone close their hand over her wrist. She looked back and saw Hufflepuff, who looked at her with furrowed brows.

“Are you coming back,” she asked in a small voice.

Slytherin swallowed with difficulty. If things had gone differently, she would have gone back to the porch with her sister and continued their night of stargazing. If her parents weren’t completely psychos whose hate for each other shook the household, she wouldn’t be addicted to the drugs that controlled her life.

“I have homework to do,” she responded. “Ask Gryffindor to go outside with you, okay?”

Her sister nodded and started her way to their other sister who decided not to join them on the porch because she had cooler 13-year old things to do.

Slytherin watched her retreating figure before closing the door and twisting the lock in a flash. She exhaled slowly as she took a seat on the edge of her bed.

“Finally,” she breathed out in a whisper as she uncapped the bottle, gently shaking it so that a couple of tablets spilled out onto her hand. She had never taken so much, and she knew that as she poked the contents with a finger. But she needed this. Her family—more specifically, her parents—were fucked up, and there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn’t fix her father’s constant infidelity. She couldn’t control her mother’s temper. Hell, she couldn’t even take hold of her own life, for the white rectangular capsules held the reins, the power. And she would gladly let it take control. Just for a little while longer.

Slytherin tossed the pills into her mouth and took a sip of water to ease them down her throat. She fell back onto her bed with her arms spread out on either side of her, forming a crooked ‘T’ shape. As she stared up at the ceiling, a blissful smile slid onto her face.

She could see the stars again.

Comments and reblogs are a writer’s gold!

MASTERLIST ; sometimes links don’t appear on posts. if you can’t see the link linked to “MASTERLIST”, the masterlist itself is pinned to the top of my blog. check it out if you haven’t already :D

Author’s note: HELLO AGAIN! I hope you enjoyed reading that. The story is dark and sad, so I will include some wholesome pictures to rid you of the lingering sadness that you might be feeling right now.

you can probably tell that i’m a dog person lmao :’) I hope you are feeling better! I am not sure if I will turn this into a series; there is a chance I will because I will have to continue writing stories in english class for this character. i actually have another story for the character (her name is Faye) and idk if I should post it. Let me know if you want me to release it!

Did anyone else feel slytherin vibes from... well, slytherin? Technically it’s Faye, but I changed the name for the purpose of posting. In my opinion, the slytherin in her is presented in the fact that she cares a lot about her sister, aka Hufflepuff, and slytherins typically care a lot about those close to them. it was also shown in the sense that she isolates herself, but then again, anyone can isolate themself, regardless of their hogwarts house. maybe im just overthinking this. After all, if I had changed the name from Faye to Hufflepuff, that could still work as well.

In fact, I might even change the names sometimes, depending on what is happening in that moment. Faye is pansexual, and I was talking to my friend about the story, and she said maybe she’ll get a gf, so maybe ill keep Faye’s name as Slytherin and have Hufflepuff (DIFFERENT HUFFLEPUFF FROM THE LITTLE SISTER OF COURSE) be the girlfriend?? idk, we’ll see.

Anyways, let me know what you thought of this fanfic. Should I do more like this, as in post my future works that arent actually related to harry potter but is set in the real world?

OH GOSH BEFORE I FORGET, THANK YOU FOR 700!! I guess this will be my thank you present, because I like to write fanfics as a present whenever I hit a follower mark. I intended The Queen and The Dragon to be the thank-you present for 600, but we are well past that, and the fanfic is long overdue. I had planned to change the fanfic to “thank you for 700” but i plan on posting it near christmas, so i will consider it as a “MERRY CHRISTMAS, HERES A FANFIC:D”.

As always, I appreciate you very very much. Thank you for reading this and being caring enough to do so. I appreciate that very very very much, and I am sending you some gucci vibes! It is currently 2:34 am and i should get some sleep. goodnight! love you all! BYE

TAGS:

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quickspinner · 3 years ago

Text

Indelible - Ch 12 White Space

“A vacation?” Luka frowned, his brow wrinkling. His eyes flicked from Jagged and Penny to the tall, well-dressed black woman sitting ramrod straight beside them. Lucille had been his agent since this whole thing started, but since Luka wasn’t Jagged, Lucille couldn’t be with him constantly. She had other clients and obligations besides Luka, so he rarely saw her in person except when they were in the studio’s corporate offices. She kept in touch regularly by phone and video conference, though, and Luka liked and trusted her. He liked her more because she didn’t baby him the way Penny did Jagged, and was more than willing to call him out when he was being unreasonable.

Now Lucille met his gaze evenly, a hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth, but said nothing.

Jagged was tense, fingers tapping restlessly on the table, and he wouldn’t look at Luka, but none of that was especially unusual. Jagged hated sitting still and he hated meetings, and he and Luka had had enough artistic differences by now that things were always a little tense between them these days. Penny...well, Penny was hard to read, but he thought there was a little tension in her as well.

Luka’s own fingers began to tap the top of the conference table unconsciously as he glanced at Dingo beside him, and the two band members seated on his other side. “Why?” he asked slowly. “I know it’s the down season, but—aren’t there usually plenty of shows playing during the holidays? Should we really miss out on that?” He directed the question to Lucille; no matter how cool Penny was, Luka knew exactly where her loyalties lay.

Lucille shrugged, and her lack of concern at the prospect eased his sudden nerves a little. The sparkly gold nail polish she wore flashed as she leaned her elbows on the table and folded her hands. “You’ve been going pretty flat out for a few years now. I think this is a good time for a break.” She glanced at Jagged and pressed her lips together slightly as her dark eyes came back to Luka’s and held them for a moment. She wanted to say more, Luka guessed, but not here. Luka shifted his gaze back to Penny.

“The lineups for holiday and New Years concerts are pretty eclectic,” Penny demurred. “Lots of big names. We won’t really need an opening act, and—well.” She glanced at Jagged. “We figured you could use a break,” she finished, a little too cheerfully. “The last tour was rough on everybody, and you’ve been spending a lot of time in the studio since we got back. It’ll be good for you to get a little downtime with your family—” she glanced at the rest of the band. “Families, before we start locking things down here and gearing up for the summer.”

Luka regarded her for a moment longer, and then turned his seat to face Jenna. She shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to a break,” she admitted, her cheeks taking on a bit of a flush. “The schedule’s been a bit rougher than I expected, to be honest. I wouldn’t mind a breather, and my brother’s supposed to be bringing his new wife to meet the family this Christmas. If you need me I’m there, of course, but it would be nice to go home for a bit.”

Crusher, clearly bored and slumped so low in his chair that he was practically on the floor, just snorted when Luka looked at him. “You’re the brand here,” he said, a slightly sour note in his tone. “If you burn out, we’re all out of the job, so I’m on board with whatever.”

His attitude irritated Luka, but, taking a deep breath, Luka turned to his other side to look at Dingo. Dingo’s thumbs were moving over his phone, apparently oblivious to the entire conversation, although Luka was sure he had heard every word.

Luka slumped back in his chair and faced back towards Jagged and Penny, regarding them silently for a moment. Penny looked professional as always, but her face softened a little as he looked at her. Jagged had his arms folded around his chest and still wouldn’t meet Luka’s eyes. He was practically vibrating, clearly ready to be done with this whole thing.

Part of Luka wanted to refuse, to put up the fight Penny and Jagged were clearly expecting, to force Jagged to include him in whatever the hell was going on, to remind him that Luka would not be shoved aside and ignored, but…he glanced at Lucille one more time. Her eyes flicked to Jagged and then back to Luka. Luka stared back at her for a moment, and then sighed as he looked away.

“Okay, sure,” he said finally, and Jagged visibly relaxed, getting up almost at once..

“That’s the spirit. Go home, kid,” Jagged leaned over the table to slap a hand down on Luka’s shoulder, and then started for the door. “Show your ma you’re okay and get her off my back.”

“Mom?” Luka asked, confused, but Jagged was already gone. For a moment, nobody else moved. Jenna and Crusher looked at each other, and then they both got up and slipped out of the conference room. Dingo continued to text, still apparently oblivious.

“I think this is a good choice, Luka,” Penny said, pushing back from the table. “You’ve really hit the ground running since you came with us. I know you want to make the most of this opportunity and that’s fine, but we can all see you need a break. This life,” she made a broad gesture that encompassed the studio’s offices, and everything that went along with them, “it’s a lot. You’re not the only young artist to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. We just want you to pace yourself, that’s all.”

"Why is this suddenly all about me? I’m overwhelmed, but the others are fine?” Luka demanded, aware that he was getting defensive.

“Oi, some of us actually know how to take a break,” Dingo spoke up, without looking up from his phone. “You’re the one flying around and networking and getting mentored by the greats whenever we get some down time. You’re exhausted and you know it, dumbass.”

“You’re the face of the band, Luka, and you have run yourself a little ragged,” Penny agreed. “We can tell it’s wearing on you. There’s no shame in taking a break now and then.”

“Right. Just looking out for me,” Luka muttered. Unreasonably irritated, he stood up and began picking up his things, sliding on the sunglasses Marinette had made him. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He needed to get somewhere private before he took his confused tangle of feelings out on someone who didn’t deserve it. He could read the message here; he’d been butting heads with Jagged for months now, and the rock star was clearly over it. Jagged wanted Luka gone, so they’d cooked up some crap about Luka needing a break. As if Luka couldn’t handle anything the old man could handle, and with a hell of a lot more grace.

Penny hesitated, watching him, and then stood herself, leaning forward over the table a little. “Listen, Luka. Whatever you think you needed to prove, you’ve more than done it. We all see how hard you work, including Jagged. You’ve made the most of every chance he’s given you and nobody doubts that you deserve to be here. Not anymore. So just...take the break. We all want to see you succeed, but not everybody can be Jagged.”

“I don’t want to be Jagged,” Luka huffed, and then gritted his teeth to keep back the rest of what he was tempted to say.

“We know. Your mom knows. That’s why we’re sending you home. You need those connections, and you need to recharge a little bit before—” She jumped slightly, and then glanced at Lucille. “Well, anyway. I think this will be good for you,” she said, picking up her tablet quickly.

Luka watched her mutter something to Lucille and make a hasty exit, and then turned back to his agent, raising an eyebrow. “Did you just step on her foot?”

Lucille flashed him a grin. “Damn straight. You’re my lookout, not hers. Sit back down for a second.”

Luka did, slowly, and Lucile leaned forward. “Listen, we can all tell that things are getting tense between you and Jagged. That’s to be expected, frankly. Jagged never did share the spotlight well, and you’ve got your own vision and you’re committed to it. That’s a good thing , Luka. It’s about time that you started thinking about your career separate from Jagged. This new album release will be a great time to start really hyping you up as an artist, and start separating your name from his.”

Luka blinked. “...Really? You think I’m— we’re —ready for that?”

Lucille nodded. “It’ll mean a lot of work, it’ll mean playing extra gigs on your own as well as opening the big arena shows for him. It’s going to be exhausting.” She sighed. “Here’s the thing, Luka. You know and I know that part of this is Jagged throwing a snit, but the fact is, all of us can see that you’re running on empty. The rest of the band won’t say it, but you’re starting to run them into the ground too.”

Dingo huffed beside him. “I’ll damn well say it.”

Lucille ignored him. “Go home. Spend some time with your family. Unwind and maybe work out some of those knots you’ve tied yourself in. If you really can’t handle doing nothing for that long, I can book you some local shows if you want. Maybe some of those smaller venue gigs you said you’ve been missing?”

“That...would be nice,” Luka sighed, taking the glasses back off to rub his hand over his face. Juleka was supposed to be in Paris for the next three months, too, so he’d actually have a home to go to. It would be nice to spend some time with her. Luka nodded slowly, and Lucille reached out and patted his hand.

“Go home,” she repeated. “Do whatever you’ve gotta do to recharge, because come the new year we’re going to work, and before long it’s going to be your name on the marquee.”

Luka sighed, and then mustered a smile. “Has my mom seriously been calling Jagged?”

“Every damn day for the last month, Penny said,” Lucille grinned. “I heard the last one, it was beautiful. I’ll have to stop by Paris while you’re there so I can meet her, I’d like to shake her hand.”

Luka grinned. “You’d get along.”

“I bet.” Lucille stood up. “I’m on your side, Luka. Don’t forget it, okay? Whatever you need, I’ll make it happen.”

“I know,” Luka’s smile turned a little more genuine. “Thanks.”

“Hey,” Lucille leaned down, putting a hand on the table and tapping her other finger on it for emphasis. “This is not a setback. This is not a punishment. This is the deep breath before the dive into the deep end, okay?”

Luka nodded, and Lucille straightened. “Have a nice trip, okay?” she grinned, and then left.

“Can we go now?” Dingo grunted, and Luka rolled his eyes, grabbing his things again.

Neither of them said anything on the walk back to the hotel. Luka was brooding, he knew it, and Dingo was still so deep in his phone that Luka had to steer him around obstacles.

Not until they were back in the room did Dingo finally shove his phone back in his pocket and look Luka in the face.

“Why are you so sour about taking a vacation?” Dingo demanded, throwing himself down on the couch in their suite. “Vacations are a good thing!

“Yeah, of course,” Luka said, walking over to the window and opening the curtain to look out at the city. He’d never really clicked with London, but then he hadn’t ever really gotten out and looked at it, either. He spent most of the time in the studio when they were here, and by the time they returned from tour, the last thing he really cared about was sightseeing and crowds.

“Normal people go home more than twice a year, Lulu.”

“Jagged doesn’t,” Luka pointed out. “He barely even has a home."

“As if Jagged was ever normal,” Dingo snorted, but then he pushed himself up with a sigh. “Luka.” He put his hands on Luka’s shoulders and steered him over to the couch, shoving him down in it. “Mate, you don’t want to be Jagged.” Dingo sat down in the armchair chair and scooted it over until they were practically knee to knee. “You know you don’t. Even if you did, you’re not built like him. You’d bleed to death trying to cut out the people you love.”

Luka took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “It feels like admitting he’s right,” he said finally. “If I can’t juggle both, if I can’t stay connected with my family and still kill it on the road...it feels like admitting he wouldn’t have been able to achieve everything he’s achieved if he’d kept us in his lives. I mean if…if he really did that...if he really is my...”

“No if’s here, mate,” Dingo said, uncharacteristically solemn. “They don’t have to admit it for it to be true, and I think we both know it is.”

Luka sighed, propping his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands.

“Oi,” Dingo said, and Luka felt his friend’s hand fall on his shoulder and squeeze. “Maybe he is right. That doesn’t make him less of an ass for making the choices he did. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. He doesn’t get a free pass for being a shit dad just because he’s the greatest rock n’ roll legend who ever lived. So fuck him. You didn’t start this because of Jagged, and even if he opened some doors, we’ve earned our place here. Don’t lose sight of that.”

Luka reached up and put his hand over Dingo’s, and took a few shaky breaths. Then he nodded, and Dingo squeezed his shoulder one more time before letting go. “Fuck him,” Dingo repeated, leaning back. “Go home. Spend some time with Juleka and the Captain.” He grinned. “Take Marinette on a date that doesn’t involve a phone.” He slid his sunglasses down his nose and winked. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how often you’ve been disappearing lately.”

Luka rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth as he straightened up and leaned back in his chair. Instead of denying it he found himself saying, “I don’t even know what her schedule is. She might not even plan to be in Paris over New Years.”

“Well get the lead out, mate, what are you waiting for?” Dingo got up and slapped Luka’s arm as he walked by. “Hell, I’ve already booked my tickets to meet up with Bri in Nice before we head back to Paris. Think I can talk her into hitting the beaches with me?” He wiggled his eyebrows at Luka.

“It’ll be December and the beaches in Nice are made of rocks, so I’m gonna go with ‘no,’” Luka said absently, pulling out his phone.

He texted Juleka first, and then his mom. Once he knew what dates they were planning to be in Paris he’d be better able to make his own plans. Then he sat there, his thumb hovering over Marinette’s picture.

It didn’t have to be a date, but...it would be nice to see Marinette in person. It didn’t hurt to ask. If she was busy, that would be fine. He tapped out a message and sent it, and then turned his chair towards the window again, staring blankly out at the city.

A few moments later his phone lit up and buzzed in his hand, and then buzzed again, and then a third time. Luka chuckled as he turned it over to look as another message came through.

He still wasn’t sure it was the right call, but...if they wanted him to take a vacation, he might as well make the most of it, right?

Fiction Master Post

#quickspins #indelible #lukanette #endgame lukanette #lukanette endgame #luka couffaine #marinette dupain-cheng #miraculousladybug #miraculous ladybug #pro lukamari

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alovevigilante · 3 years ago

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Since life is a process I find myself constantly editing. I go through my day, I make observations, I feel things, I create thoughts around the observations, my perceptions from those thoughts about what I observe support my beliefs around the observations… For example: I see that the pot that I used to make marinara in last night is sitting in the sink, and needs to be soaked. I’ve learned from experience that to me it’s better to use dishwasher liquid to soak it to degrease the residue of olive oil so when I use it again, it doesn’t have an oil slick for my next meal I’m cooking. I’ll also probably remember i like to do that the next time I cook and wash dishes. I have found through trial and error that soaking it with soap is the easier, less resistant, more helpful way to do things. I like the outcome much better. Cleaner pot, less elbow grease, definitely a more efficient way to roll.

We do this all the time as humans. Our observations feed our perceptions, and if we’re in a neutral place in our emotions and environments to start the thought process, it all seems pretty calm, and easy to navigate.

Let’s add some stress to that recipe. It’s a quarter to 8 in the morning, and your kid still is in his/her pajamas, and hasn’t charged his/her tablet for school, and hasn’t eaten, and is upset because it’s spirit day, and all they have are short sleeved spirit shirts, and it’s 53 degrees outside so it’s too cold to wear short sleeves, and he/she can’t wear long sleeves under the short sleeved shirt because it’s too hot, and he/she can’t wear a hoodie over the short sleeves because no, and you’ve given them 57 other extremely decent options for a smoother morning and no one is taking you up on it.

Now, let’s look at the pot you need to wash in the sink. You not only notice that dirty pot that needs soaking and is crusty cause you didn’t presoak it cause you didn’t feel like it the night before taking up precious real estate in your sink area, cause it’s a huge pot, and your sink is too small to accommodate nothing but it, but you also notice all of the dirty dishes piling up that you have to wash and put away, but they don’t magically do it themselves and they are seemingly overflowing on your countertop, overwhelming your kitchen, and you, and there’s no room to make your coffee, which you so desperately need to get some faux energy going to face your day. Also, both of your dogs like to dig in the mud in the backyard, and your child let them in without wiping their muddy paws, so to quote Bill Cosby back in the day, all of the “filth flarn” is now all over your house because they’re wild and mostly feral, and they love you so much that they decide put their paws all over your fach and give you a free mud facial. Also, it is now 8:08 am and you have to be at the school for the first bell in 5 minutes. Then what?

Now, it should be noted, that I’m exaggerating for the sake of this example, kind of. But I have chosen to blow off the thought of the dishes, and also allowed the dogs to be filth flarn back in the great outdoors, and my son is now at school, and I am drinking coffee, so it seems ok. But, if I was pissed off prior to that, let’s say because a year ago I dropped off the face of the planet from basically everyone I’ve ever known to go on another bout of my “Willy wonka lockdown” to quote the creepy sounding guy that sharpened knives in the original version of the movie, “nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out”, and you feel isolated and alone, and a bit sorry for yourself but eh cause eh, then those thoughts will compound to create a really bad observance in your present moments. Everything feeds on your choice on what thoughts to entertain in your mind. And when you already feel like crap, you will find every crap thing to support your theory.

Here’s where my editing comes in. I do this a ton. I even do this when I post publicly online. What you initially read may not be the finished product. But that’s life. Life is a process of editing to become more of that which you decide to be with your focus. You learn more as you go. You remember things and add them to your consciousness and even maybe into your 3D somewhere. I’m constantly coming back to myself and other people and adding onto what I offered before. If I’m mad, I’ll yell or not, and come back 5 years later to add what I forgot to tell you when we stopped talking. I may just choose to do this in my head as well, which a lot of us choose to do, and it’s hard when the record in your head is stuck in that groove. So, it takes a conscious effort to lift the needle off the record to move on, and not become DJ Jazzy Kari, and keep scratching the crap out of it when I’m playing my day out.

And so, we edit, we adjust, we add and subtract, we multiply and divide our thoughts according to our current circumstances. And the daily grind will put you in a funk of 40,000 years (yes, Michael Jackson’s thriller made a huge impact on me when I was in 4th grade) if you allow it to. The only way to start to change, is to choose at least one thing different than before. That’s it. That one simple action with a loving intention to change the way you see the world can change your world in an instant. You will feel the relief that is offered by not focusing on what hurt you in the past, and dragging it though to support your present activities.

I’m going to go now, and appreciate my dogs. They are hilarious, and extremely loving, and like Madge the manicurist would so diligently do to her clients when they came in for a manicure in the 70s, I’m going to most likely Palmolive the crap out of their paws happily, so I won’t be upset later on that my house is a disgusting muddy mess later on more so than it usually is. They will find themselves surprisingly “soaking in it”. And then they’ll have a choice to either go with it, or try to escape from my grasp, like Hazel May tried to pull yesterday. And both of the dogs ran in the house past the baby gate I put up with their muddy paws and their insanity. And then I had a choice, and I chose to yell and laugh, cause it was a ridiculous situation.

Choice is good. Edits can be made at every minute of every day. Don’t like what you established before? Edit it. Change it. Your life isn’t etched in stone. Do your part to change the way you think, and you will find that you will be happier in the doing. Edits are not always bad. I may choose to edit this and eliminate mentioning Moses and the 10 commandments. Yes, I will. 💕😎🙌

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simsxfashionnova · 4 years ago

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The best tablets in 2020

he iPad is inseparable from tablets which is as it should be. While it's not as modest as the Amazon Fire 7, Apple keeps on refreshing and flawless its entrance level tablet, which currently has a greater screen than any time in recent memory. At the point when you purchase the essential iPad, you're ensured to get an incredible screen and solid audio.Apple's likewise opened its ordinary iPad up to help its different extras, so you can draw with the slack free Apple Pencil and type with the Smart Keyboard folio. click here

The iPad Pro is the best tablet for the individuals who need a gadget for work and play. Accessible in both 11-inch and 12.9-inch forms, the iPad Pro offers a lively and smooth ProMotion show with a 120Hz revive rate. Within, Apple's A12Z Bionic processor is quicker than numerous Windows PCs, so you won't experience any slack as you perform multiple tasks. To wrap things up, the new iPad Pros offer another super wide camera (for greater adaptability when shooting photographs) and a LiDAR scanner (for cutting edge AR execution).

For guardians or those on a tight spending plan, the Amazon Fire tablet line offers some extraordinary choices.. While their Amazon content-first interface might be off putting to the individuals who don't live in the Prime world, their costs can't be beat and Amazon's gradually refreshing them to USB-C, which it has in the Fire HD 10 and added to the Fire HD 8 2020. For the individuals who like to take bunches of physical notes, the reMarkable 2 tablet is an exceptional record that repeats the vibe of pen and paper like no other.

You additionally look at the new Microsoft Surface Go 2, which deletes the memory of the dull unique by enduring longer, diminishing its bezels and giving a quicker processor choice. The entirety of that, in addition to a kickstand that is as solid as the one used to prop up its elder sibling, the Surface Pro. What's more, it runs Windows 10, ostensibly the most competent working framework on any tablet today.

The best tablets you can purchase today

1. Mac iPad seventh Generation

The best tablet for the vast majority

Long battery lifeBright screenSmart Keyboard connectivityGets expensive with Keyboard and PencilAging plan

The iPad is the best tablet for most on the grounds that Apple keeps on making little changes that make an incredible record shockingly better, while as yet keeping up a generally reasonable cost. The iPad makes its screen somewhat bigger by tending to its bezels down (and expanding its tallness and width marginally), at the same time expanding both battery life and show splendor. What's more, at long last, Apple included Smart Keyboard Cover uphold, so you don't have to futz with Bluetooth consoles.

The A10 Fusion processor that controls the iPad isn't the quickest, yet it gives enough execution to dealing with most undertakings and playing the most mainstream Apple Arcade games. The more than 10 hours of battery life is another feature. The passage level iPad's plan is maturing now, yet when it comes time to purchase another tablet, there's in excess of a couple of reasons why I generally start the discussion by suggesting the iPad.

Mac's iterative upgrades have helped the iPad win the Tom's Guide Award for best tablet, and the approaching iPadOS 14 update seems to be a serious deal, making the iPad more like a MacBook and convey hotly anticipated Apple Pencil highlights.

Commercial

Best tablet

2. Amazon Fire 7

The best tablet for those on a careful spending plan

Quick for its priceHyper moderate Finally, sans hands AlexaLots of Amazon adsLow-res show

For a ton of clients, value has the enormous effect, so Amazon could have drifted with regards to the $50 Fire 7 tablet. Luckily, the latest emphasis of the organization's least expensive record packs a smart quad-center 1.3 GHz processor, which causes you explore applications and peruse the web quicker than you'd anticipate from a tablet this modest. And keeping in mind that past Fire tablets made you tap to enact Alexa — which had neither rhyme nor reason, it's intended to be brought with your voice — the Fire 7 at last included voice triggers for the advanced colleague.

Simply don't expect any decorations that accompany more costly tablets. The Fire 7 tablet's sub-HD screen isn't sharp enough for anybody used to an iPad, and its lock screen is loaded up with promotions except if you pay extra. In any case, it's an extraordinary pick for kids searching for a media utilization gadget.

3. Microsoft Surface Go 2

The best tablet for Windows 10

Computer processor: Pentium Gold, eighth Gen Intel Core m3 | Camera Resolution: 8MP (back), 5MP (front) | Display: 10.5 inches, 1920 x 1280 pixels | Storage: 64GB, 128GB, 256GB | Memory: 4GB, 8GB | Ports: earphone jack, USB-C, microSD, Surface Connect port, Surface Type Cover Port | Dimensions: 9.7 x 6.9 x 0.3 inches | Weight: 1.22 pounds (1.75 pounds with type spread) | Wi-Fi: IEEE 802.11 a/b/g/n/air conditioning/hatchet

Extensive battery lifeBright, distinctive screenGreat webcamUnimpressive performanceType Cover requires modifications

Now and then, it takes a subsequent attempt to cause a thing to go right. The Surface Go 2 trains in on all the imperfections of the forerunner and wrecks them all. Above all else, more slender bezels clear a path for a greater screen, ostensibly the most significant aspect of a tablet. The Surface Go 2 has a 10.5-inch show, contrasted with 10 crawls for the past model.

The greatest redesign is the Surface Go 2's 11 hours and 39 minutes of battery life, which is more than 5 hours longer than the first Surface Go.. Microsoft additionally addressed my petitions for a PC with an incredible webcam. The 5-megapixel 1080p camera in its top bezel is incredible for the time of online video calls, and its second front camera sensor includes Windows Hello biometric login. At long last, get the Surface Go 2 with the eighth Gen Intel Core m3 overhaul, it's somewhat pricier at $629, however it's certainly the model for multitaskers.

4. Wonderful 2

The best tablet for essayists

Incredibly thin designFaster pointer inputExcellent composing feelMore costly than an iPadJust for composing and perusing, no applications

In case you're an essayist, who cherishes pen and paper, you realize that the iPad and its Apple Pencil don't generally feel right. That is the place the reMarkable tablets have hopped into the fight, offering a genuine inclination composing experience, with an extraordinary screen innovation that utilizes computerized paper and the Marker pointer, which feels more bona fide when you press its nib against the screen. The reMarkable 2, in any case, is a substantially more alluring gadget, presently estimating a smooth 0.2 inches and discarding its plastic edge for a sleeker metallic frame.

Goodness, and it's not only a journal. Your archives sync to the cloud so you can peruse them on iPhones, iPads, PCs, Macs and Android. The reMarkable 2 additionally makes an interpretation of your penmanship to editable content, so you can impart your notes to your entire group, or transform your draft thoughts into a composition. Also, its fourteen days of battery life implies you can simply leave it on your end table, for when motivation strikes, as opposed to keep it connected constantly.

5. Samsung Galaxy Tab S6 Lite

The best Android tablet

Thinned down bezelsLengthy battery lifeBright displayUnderwhelming performanceSome Android applications despite everything need tablet improvement

Android tablets don't have the most grounded history, yet on equipment, Samsung's found the iPad with the Galaxy Tab S6 Lite. This superb tablet has a huge amount of battery life — enduring more than 12 hours on a solitary charge — and offers a smooth plan with a brilliant screen and strong sound. This all ties together for a tablet that is extraordinary for devouring substance on. The Galaxy Tab S6 Lite's meager bezels assist it with standing apart from the mid-run tablet swarm much further, making it look more like the iPad Pro than the iPad. Goodness, and the S-Pen pointer, which offers low-idleness drawing, is incorporated of course, and it snaps to the head of the Tab S6 Lite, so you're less inclined to lose it.

Execution savvy, however, the Tab S6 Lite won't overwhelm individuals in the event that they attempt to perform various tasks. There's likewise the matter of Android tablet applications, which despite everything could utilize more love and care from their engineers. read more

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phoebewallerbrigde · 5 years ago

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All For Us, (a Reddie x Euphoria HBO) fanfiction

"It was the end of summer, back-to-school was coming up, I had no intention of staying clean and Richie Trashmouth Tozier was back in Derry."

Without any filter but with humor and franchise, here's the harsh coming of age story of Derry's youth through the eyes of Eddie Kaspbrak, 17, fresh out of rehab.

read it on AO3 || Explicit || 8k || 1/?

Hope you like it guys !

There was a time in my life where everything was fine, but that, that was before I was ripped out of my mother’s womb. Since then, it’s been shit.

Chapter 1 : Screwed.

I was born on September 3rd, 2002 in a world post 9/11 completely overwhelmed by the mourning and the duty of memory. It has been four months since Sam Raimi's Spiderman was at the top of the world box office and that Peter Parker had managed to give hope to America and New York. Far from everything and from New York, there was my mother and my father, and I was their Spiderman. Nice, huh? I don’t think so.

---

My life begins without warning with a childhood in a big house in the depths of America's asshole. Derry, Maine. A small town so small that everyone knows each other and knows everything. That’s where the problems start. My father became ill when I was 9 years old and my overprotective mother was already beginning to fall into what I call "parental and marital abuse". Life at home was absolutely not great, especially because of my "not fitting" behavior.

"Eddie-bear, is everything okay?" asked Sonia Kaspbrak worried.

A 10-year-old Eddie was still staring at the front door counting seconds every time he heard the clock tick of the dining room.

"Eddie-bear, look at me." she added in a calm voice. "You did not even touch your .."

Eddie turned her head to Sonia and began to cry at once. Sonia and Frank looked at each other in amazement, feeling completely helpless.

They did what every healthy-minded parent would do, choosing to consult several doctors, a psychologist and a children's psychiatrist. I wasn't physically abused, I always drank at least a liter of water a day, my mother prepared me good dishes, my father did not hit me...

"Your son has OCD, ADHD and anxiety. He has a higher brain activity than the average child for his age, probably due to hypersensitivity and perhaps also to behavioral disorders... But he’s still too young to tell."

The psychiatrist's voice left a blank in the room and Sonia Kaspbrak burst into tears. Frank stroked his wife's back for reassurance and Eddie turned to his mother without understanding what was happening.

So why do I have this?

---

"Neuroatypical, you are neuroatypical, Eddie-bear."

Eddie mimicked his mother while eating his cereal bowl, she glanced him, he stopped and sighed.

"Show me your phone, I'll check your alarms."

An 11-year-old Eddie contemplated the capsules, pills and other medications that his mother was carefully distributing in each compartment of his medicine box. He handed him his yellow iPhone 5c that he had already unlocked on the alarms page.

"You have to take all your medicine, at the times indicated."

"I know, Ma."

Sonia looked at her son, who continued to eat with a peeved look on his face. She sat down beside him, putting down his cellphone and the box of compartmentalized tablets.

"You know ... there are lots of famous people like you - famous people, super creative and smart." She managed to catch Eddie's attention and then continued. "Look, your favorite actor who plays in The Truman Show for example."

"Jim Carrey?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Sonia with a smile.

Yeah, and we all remember Jim Carrey during the 00s New Year Eve on David Letterman's set.

"A genius." ended Eddie with a smile before getting up and packing his box in his fanny pack.

I don’t really remember my pre-adolescence and all that time when I was 10 to 12. I mean, I remember my friends, how meaningless life was, how fast everything was falling apart for us because of daddy’s pneumonia, and how the world was going way too fast for my brain. And that sometimes, if I happened to think too much about everything, to concentrate too much on an smell or on the number of germs present under the table on which I wrote or on the strange way that I breathed ... I had a violent asthma attack. The space of a moment. But very quickly the space of a moment became all the time and all the time became a fight to fight these crises. And frankly...

"So this day, son?" Frank asked with a smile as Eddie walked into his room still dressed with his backpack.

He could hear his father listen to Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure, one of his favorite songs who became one of his. That made him sketch a small smile.

"I'm fucking done with it."

---

I’m not necessarily proud of the choices I’ve made, but it wasn’t really like my mom didn’t push me. The house was full of meds. Meds here, meds there, meds in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the guest room, in the garage. My mother ordered meds profusely but gave me "gazebos" when I was perhaps the one who needed treatment the most. A treatment, I needed a treatment. I got it. It was there in front of me, everywhere, I knew every name and every dose of what the psychiatrist was giving me, it was not hard to remember, so I took it. I took but nothing. I did not feel any difference, the asthma attacks, the tremors, the sadness were still there. I took again and again and always more. When I went to the doctors, they increased the doses and I changed my mother's gazebos with my real meds. It made me feel something in the end, but it was too late, I was already addicted. But after all, is it really my fault? Oh, and I think we say "placebos".

12 years old and already on medication dependence. 13 years old and I stole my father’s morphine and other painkillers. 14 years old and I was asking for more with my psychotropics. 15 years old, I took my 1st taz and smoked my first joint. 16 years old and I sniffed my first rail, the first among others. That's why Georgie Denbrough found me unconscious in my own vomit. I had become a junkie ? I don’t know. I just liked the feeling. The feeling that it gave me, the nothingness. For once on earth, for as long as I can remember, I felt something new every time. It was this need that had led Georgie to scream with fear, which alerted Bill Denbrough to run to discover the disaster and tell him to look for my mother as he tried to wake me up. Poor Big Bill, he thought I was dead. I believed it, too.

I spent the whole summer in rehab after that, I never understood why. Well, I did but I didn’t think I was addicted to drugs. Drugs filled the gap that meds sometimes leave when it’s over. But I’ve learned that meds, too, are drugs.

"Eddie!"

"Georgie!"

Georgie ran into Eddie's arms, Eddie couldn’t help laughing and making remarks about how Georgie was almost ahead of him now. This made Bill laugh when he came to give him their secret handshake before taking the smallest in his arms.

"Hey!" whispered Eddie with a big smile.

Sonia in the distance watched her son squeeze the only two friends she had allowed to come with her to pick up Eddie, since they had been present and saved him with the accident. They ended up taking the road with them to their house.

"I'm so happy you're back home, Eddie-darling, I missed you so much, never do that again, you gave me up for 3 long months, you realize, I could not to do nothing without you, I was so lonely and you know how much I hate it, never do that again, I made an appointment with the hospital for full exams and we will change you your doses, I will take good care of you my ... "

Eddie stopped paying attention to his mother, he looked around, Georgie and Bill cheerfully discussed everything Bill had planned to do to make up for lost time with Eddie. Not to mention the Losers, but Eddie figured out they were in. The brunette one landed on the windowsill and let the wind caress his face. He noticed in the distance a boy on a bicycle, this long and thin figure was telling him something. Brown curls, an alternative style between neglected but sought after, worn out converses, pale skin to death. Eddie’s eyes marveled at his sight when the car passed him. He felt his heartbeat accelerate and his heart pounding.

And that’s when the beginning of the end really began. It was the end of summer, back-to-school was coming up, I had no intention of staying clean and Richard Trashmouth Tozier was back in Derry. I had to talk to the one person who knew everything about everything.

---

"So ... How long have you been back among us? You have completely hidden your return." Mike asked, eating his salad.

"A week and I didn’t hide everything! I was in quarantine between the hospital and at home all week, thanks Ma. Bill didn’t tell you?" said Eddie watching Mike eat.

"Bill and I don’t really talk right now when we see each other. You know that."

Mike is probably the smartest person I know, yet he still didn’t dare tell the love of his life that he loved him. At the same time, he was living on a planet other than ours and didn’t really have time to be a normal high school student. It was easier to fuck Bill and continue to just be his bro than become his significant other.

"Richie is back, by the way."

"Ah."

"Yup, he went to the farm and got a 50$ of weed. He didn’t even want me to give him a price."

"D'you know more?" "Hm... He’s already been here for two weeks. He seemed pretty happy to be back, California changes you a man." said Mike laughing what made Eddie smile. "We’ll see when we get back to school."

Eddie nodded at Mike.

"How are you feeling ?" Mike asked, carefully watching Eddie.

"Great since I gave my life to abstinence and I stopped jerking off." Eddie answered seriously.

"Oh ...... Cool, cool, cool, I'm really happy for you."

"Mike, I’m messing with you. You should see your face." Eddie laughed while Mike gave him a pat on the shoulder. " Anyway, that’s not all, but is your grandfather here, Vegemike?"

"Are you serious bro?"

"Hey, it's not because I'm doing a rehab that I'm going to stay clean."

"But.... Isn’t that the point of a rehab? I won’t let you do something stupid again."

"Come on, just weed."

"You do not like weed, Kaspbrak."

"Fine but can I at least have your cherry tomatoes?"

Mike nodded and smiled at his best friend who continued to eat his salad with him.

Something I missed this summer? My trips to the Hanlon farm. Mike being a divine cook and plus a vegan, obviously, his food was safe and harmless to me. And the Hanlon house was the best hostess for parties, it was big, rebuilt in recent years and far enough to be quiet. I must have missed a lot of parties, but if there was one coming up, Stanley Uris'. And if you thought I was gonna miss it, the last big party before school, so the most important one of the summer, you can suck my dick. That’s probably why that piece of shit of Henry Bowers brought his ass back to the farm. It’s a good thing the Hanlons were selling him their wares for twice as much.

"Yo, there you go! That’s his mama’s boy!" he cried as he entered the storefront. "I thought you were dead. Good, because my knife will be able to tate the ground."

"Go get your shit and get off him, dude."

"You’re lucky I haven’t touched you since you’re the best drug dealer in town, but don’t trust me, nig.."

Mike rose sharply and faced Bowers. His eyes were black and Bowers backed away.

"All right, all right, I’ll go."

I never liked Henry Bowers, and I truly believe no one has ever loved him. Even his father hates him. If you were looking for someone to identify as the rich cis hit white man in this city, it was him. He was "untouchable" or rather believed himself untouchable because his father was the most influential guy in the city. He had been sheriff but had ended up building his business and it had taken. It was quite unbelievable, however, now Bowers was living his best life and did not think he had to be accountable to anyone when he still had a mullet cut in 2019 and that he should clearly shut up the fuck up. Before, he harassed me as well as the rest of the Losers club, for my part I was entitled to homophobic insults in profusion. But one day we humiliated him front of his friends. Since then he has left us alone and yesterday’s nerds his become today’s popular. Karma, as they say.

---

It was about to get dark in a few hours, a young man was cycling in the streets of Derry. He was tall, fine and handsome. A car passed by him and he was destabilized.

"Back among us, motherfucker, this is my secret sauce as a welcome gift, Tozier!"

Bowers' voice was loud and Hockstetter's laugh had not failed him. Richie had managed to avoid the milkshake he had sent him. He gave him fingers as he went away and Richie sighed on his way home. He passed by the kitchen and dropped off his racing bag and went to his room where he threw himself into his bed. He took out his phone and went straight to Grindr. Richie was scrolling, watching nudes, messages, chatting with people, going from Grindr to Tinder, and finally finding happiness. For tonight, anyway, then took a nap.

If there was anyone that nobody expected to see again in Derry, it was Richie fucking Tozier. He told me he was back from his parents' divorce. His father had kept the old family house in which he lived in Derry. Something must have happened with his mother in California because Richie preferred to come and live with his father in our good ol' Derry, but he refused to tell me what happened. That Tozier really is a moron.

Richie awoke. It was already 7 pm. He sighed, got up, went downstairs to eat with his father who had prepared some homemade pizzas and then went back to his room. It was 8 pm. He got motivated, launched his "Party times" playlist which debuted on Plus Putes Que Toutes Les Putes from the French band Orties. He took a shower and picked out an outfit. When he found the right one, he couldn’t help but smile. A black wide sweater with a yellow stripe in the middle and "The villa hopes" written on it, simple black slim jeans, red socks and its Converses x 70 x OFF Springs Velour Patchwork. He rolled up his sleeves, made himself up by putting on black, blue, yellow and red eyeliner to make an editiorial makeup, nothing too dramatic. He was dancing in front of his mirror and laughing. He passed his hands several times without his brown curls, put big silver rings on his fingers and finally put on his necklaces including his favorite, the one with a red balloon pendant. He took his Lacoste fanny pack and while looking at it, he had a little smile thinking of the one person who had never stopped wearing these before it became trendy again. He went down the stairs and fell on his father.

"Oh, look at yourself ! So, where are you going?" asked Wenthworth Tozier while observing his son.

Richie arrived in front of his father after crossing the living room. They lived in a beautiful house, quite luxurious from the outside as well as the inside. Richie hugged his father to reassure him.

"To a party, with friends."

"Friends ?"

"Yes, my old friends, dad."

Wenthworth nodded and Richie waved his hand with his index finger and middle finger at his temple before moving them away.

"Watch out, have fun and protect yourself, Rich!"

Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Tozier, Richie was sure to protect himself properly with those Saint Laurent condoms in his bag.

Richie smiled at his father before taking his bike and leaving.

Richie did not want his return to make too much noise. Yet it was all the opposite effect. Everyone who had lived in Derry between 2002 and 2016, so everyone, knew Richie Trashmouth Tozier. The first to know about Richie's return was Ben. Simply because the two were following the same two-week artistic summer course that the school had organized. It was a little stupid because Richie was a little genius despite appearances and Ben was just good at everything without having to force. At least Ben had been able to reconnect with Richie and pass the information to the rest of Losers, but except me, of course.

When he arrived in front of a hotel in the city, he smiled at the message of the chosen one and sent a message to Ben.

[Forget me for tonight, I have a date.]

Ben glanced at his phone, and then at Beverly. Both exchanged suspicious looks.

"What’s going on?" Beverly asked.

"It’s Richie. He says he’s not coming tonight."

"What did you told him?" Beverly looked at herself in the mirror.

"Nothing! He’s just gonna do his little business with someone."

"Oh okay, chill, he’ll come later. Why you scare us like that!" replied Beverly getting close to Ben to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Ben went red in action and Betty Ripsom made a disgusting sound. Beverly stopped to look at the brunette, she had completely forgotten her presence. After all, it was her who'll dropped them off at Stanley’s. "Stop. You’ll do the same thing tonight and even more," she said looking at her.

In case you're wondering, yes, Ben is in love with Bev. For far too long for me to remember. For Bev, however, nobody really knows. Bev is a mystery to everyone, I still wonder why she's friends with us. She's a cheerleader, she's so popular, much more than Mike or Bill or Stan. She has a reputation behind her, yet it has never stopped her from being the baddest bitch in town. A real rolemodel to the twink that I am. Perhaps the most amazing thing is that she was fake dated for a month with Bowers just for a bet and it lasted until today, well, until two days ago. She still made 200 dollars on it every month.

"You slept with Bowers, you do not have the right to speak." Betty retorted.

"A hand job. It was a hand job and it happened once during the 3 months of the bet. Then anyway, Bowers is a clown. It’s not Penny Wise who’s gonna say otherwise. I was able to take away as much as I could before I dumped him. And tonight, we move on." she said, turning to Ben.

"Yes, that’s what everyone wants to hear! Shit Ben, tonight you have to fuck! Not just a handjob or a blowjob! It’s not the '80s anymore, you have to catch some pussy."

Ben smiled slightly embarrassed and turned to Beverly who grinned while listening to Betty. He totally ignored Betty’s words, then lowered his head, a little disappointed. He really wanted to disappear underground at this very moment.

In his place, I’d like to, too. Thank you, Betty.

---

"Ma ? I’m leaving."

"Where, Eddie-bear? And so late? You can’t leave me like this." Sonia said as her son came into the living room. "And dressed like that? You look like a bad boy, I don’t like it."

"That’s my usual style, Ma. It’s only 10 pm and I’m going to Bill’s. Don’t wait for me and don’t panic. And yes, I took my medicine with me and my insulin just in case. See you, Ma."

A 16-year-old Eddie closed the front door and leaned back against it, looking down the street and sighing. He was divinely handsome, he had combed his hair, put glitter on his eyes and mascara which gave him an even more intense look. He had put on a silk shirt with patterns like the rich women's scarves, the colors were soft and pastel like salmon, beige, yellow or baby blue but it contrasted with his lame bomber and his slightly tanned and brilliant skin. With that, he had put some necklaces and he also let see his chest. He was wearing his white low converses and black skinny ripped jeans. He took a puff from his inhaler and looked at his bike lying on the ground. He turned his head away and began to walk. He took out his airpods and launched one of his Daily Mix on Spotify, he closed his eyes at Alphaville's Forever Young.

It is never easy to leave this house with a mother as unbearable as mine. In fact, I lied. I’m not going to go to Bill’s, it would be too much of a detour. We’ll meet at the party. I preferred to walk because when I drink, I don’t take the road because...

All the times he passed out, in the middle of the road completely drunk, kept coming to his mind as a nightmare.

You got it, anyway. I know, you're surprised that I drink, but alcohol is pretty much the same as my meds. Except for beer, I hate beer.

Eddie was quietly walking around, dancing, listening to Rubberband Man from the Spinners, and clearly living his best life. When a noisy car because of the music made itself heard more and more as it passed by. The passengers listened to Dang! of Mac Miller and that made Eddie smile, he loved Mac Miller.

"Oh my god, stop the car." exclaimed Beverly. "I said stop the car, Betty."

"Why ?" Betty asked, slowing down.

"We just passed Eddie Kaspbrak!" said Ben looking in through the back window.

"Oh my God! I think he was dead." Betty laughed.

"Shut up. You should be the one to die, Ripsom." Ben replied.

Eddie walked in front of them, not paying attention.

"Yo, the comeback!" yelled Beverly what pulled Eddie out of his music.

He turned to her and looked at her with a smile. She had a big smile and he leaned towards her.

"It’s good to see you again, we missed you." she said in all sincerity.

Ben nodded, which made Eddie smile, he almost had tears in his eyes. His best friends had not forgotten him.

"Are you being dropped somewhere?" Betty Ripsom asked.

"Well, thank you !"

Eddie waved to him and Ben opened the back door. He got into beautiful Betty's Volvo and Bev turned to him.

"What the hell are you listening to? Certainly not the New Kids On The Block." She said looking at Ben who shook his head negatively by squinting his eyes.

Eddie looked at his iPhone 8, Rubberband Man was finished, he pouted at the next song.

"London Calling." he answered hesitantly.

"Perfect."

The music started in the car, all four began to jam in the car while singing.

The party was already in full swing when I arrived with the others. Stan’s house was shining from the outside and eclipsing all the other houses, it was beautiful to see. From the inside, it looked like it was going to explode. In every room, chaos. A kind of stifling heat emanated as Megan Thee Stallion’s Hot Girl Summer filled the house. The minute Stan’s eyes crossed mine, he left Patricia for my arms. It was nice, it wasn’t every day that Staniel gave you a hug.

"Oh, fuck, Edward Kaspbrak himself, that's crazy, I .. I'm so happy to see you!" Stan shouted in his arms. Stan held him so tight that Eddie felt he was going to choke him. He must have been a little drunk. He was wearing a stretch short-sleeved shirt in washed jeans with black pants and chelsea boots. It was divine.

He had always been, it was Stan, he could afford it. He was smart, mature, funny, an excellent counselor, the mom of the group and he also organized the best parties in high school. How having money is really cool.

"Hey everyone! Look who’s back! To Eddie!" shouted Bev while lifting up her shot of tequila in the air.

The people present in the room did the same and repeated these two words at the same time. Bill raised his glass in my direction, he gave me a big smile and I was a little embarrassed. Everyone drank their glasses. Bev gave me a shot of tequila, everyone was looking at me now. It was weird. Being the center of attention is clearly not my stuff. But, I drank that shot and after that, everyone screamed for joy. Bev gave me a hug, then Mike just added himself to the hug, then Bill and then Stan. The Losers were together and I could clearly hear Billie Eilish’s Bellyache in my head.

---

The hotel was rather classy, the room too, thought Richie. He did not know that places like this existed in Derry. The chosen one was therefore fortunate. When he returned from a room that served as a kitchen with two glasses of champagne. Richie looked at him carefully, he liked to sleep with older men, but he never imagined that Butch Bowers was that kind of man.

Thank you." he said, looking at the man standing in front of him.

"Your face is familiar to me, have we ever seen each other?" Butch asked, looking at Richie.

Later, Riche told me that at the moment he wanted to say yes. He really should have done it.

"Not that I remember."

Butch nodded and drank his glass of champagne.

Richie had said he was 18, technically he was not lying, he was actually going to have them. The knowledge. And Richie was consenting.

Butch watched Richie.

"We will not fuck, you're too young."

Richie nodded, he avoided swallowing.

"I envy your generation, however. When I see you, I see two life choices."

He stroked Richie's cheek, then his lips with his thumb. Richie was looking at him almost religiously. There was a kind of tension in the room. They were not going to sleep together, but it was almost as if. In a parallel dimension, it was happening.

"You can leave, live an extremely beautiful life elsewhere, be fully yourself, find love, or you can stay here and end up like me, hanging out in fancy hotels." Butch continued looking at Richie's eyes.

"Both choices are possible." retorted Richie.

Butch's thumb sank into Richie's mouth.

"If only I could, I'd smash you." he said in a low voice.

Richie closed his eyes. He could not really say what he was looking for in this kind of completely barge plan. But there was so much he was looking for. One was definitely that special bond he had once bonded with a unique person in his life. When both made leave of this vocal flirtation, this visual fuck. Richie put California by Lana Del Rey in his ears.

He looked at the door of the closed bathroom because the chosen one was taking a shower, he must have met someone before him and shoot his shot. Richie looked at his phone and left the room without making a noise. Once outside the hotel, he lit a cigarette. He took a few steps to his bike, when the song ended, the cigarette was too. He changed his song and went straight to Stan's house.

And there. The evening went fucking nuts.

The huge stairs in Stan's house were flooded and mobilized by people kissing, drinking or whatever. The music was in full swing, Eddie did not know the song, but he would have sworn it was one of the songs that Mike composed during his free time. He pushed people a bit to pass and went to the nearest toilet. He closed the door and looked at himself in the mirror before taking a breath of his ventoline. He kept looking in his bag with a tiny vial of white powder inside. There was almost nothing, but it did not matter because Eddie knew it was extremely strong. He spread it on a small spatula attached to his keychain which he had disinfected before and sniffed everything. He ran a hand through his hair and left the room. The sensations becoming stronger, his brain seemed to be reviving.

Blackbear’s Hot Girl Bummer burst into his ears. Suddenly, the world around him seemed to be totally out of sync with him. He almost lost his balance. Standing on the wall, clinging to people, Eddie laughed. The world revolved around him and he danced on the music that filled his brain.

All you need to know is that there are several versions of what happened tonight. It all depends on who tells you the story and... I’m not necessarily the most reliable narrator for this evening. But what I can assure you is that Bowers screwed up.

Bowers had been drinking since before with the party. He spent the night looking for Beverly and she wasn’t that hard to find she was in the Uris pool. Even wet, she was still the most beautiful girl of the party. She made a fairly simple make up. You’d think she had nothing if you didn’t know the basics of makeup. She was having fun with Betty and Audra Phillips, Bill’s ex, by doing a water fight and singing along on to Russ’s Do It Myself. And who knows why, Bowers as the fragile man that he is, wanted to break the moment.

"Slut!" he shouted as he reached the terrace.

He pointed to Beverly who turned to him.

"Yes ?" she replied, with a great deal of irony, a smile on her lips.

Everyone laughed and scolded Beverly's name. Bowers turned speechless. Beverly's smile widens.

"Well then, 2 minutes 30 lost his big mouth?" she said, coming out of the water and facing Bowers. "That is what I thought."

Everyone was watching the confrontation carefully. The first one since Beverly dumped Bowers and announced that it was all just a bet between her and Stan.

"Shut the fuck up, you only suck anyway."

"How could you know that since I would never suck you Henry Bowers? Now, please stop humiliating yourself in public. Go back to Greta Keene and forget about me, okay."

Bowers wanted to fight back but Beverly pushed him into the water and Georgie grabbed his leg to make it easier for him to fall. Everyone shouted and laughed. Stanley stood up and turned away from Mike, Bill and Eddie and apologized to see what was going on with Beverly.

"Really ?" He asked.

"You'll pay me Losers." he said as he stepped out of the pool and back inside.

Losers: 1. Bowers: 0. The school year is starting well.

Bill and Mike were laughing and Eddie smiled at Beverly.

It was at that moment that they concluded. The funny thing is that Bill, when he's alcoholic, totally loses his stuttering. So it was amazing to hear him speak clearly to Mike, especially when it was a rim job. I would have preferred not to be here to hear that. But I'm sure I heard a "I love you Mikey" so finally it was worth it.

"Everything's okay, bro?" asked Mike, noticing his presence again.

"Yeah.. Yeah, that’s fine... Glad to see you two are okay." he said, smiling and watching Bill blush.

At the same time, there was another one for whom things were going well. Ben Hanscom. Ben was playing truth or dare in one of the upstairs rooms with several of the Cheerios like Myra Stonehart or some of the guys from our class. Normally, truth or dare was the game we used to play when we were playing between us only, but here, it turned into a conversation about sex. And Ben Hanscom wasn’t a pro on the subject.

"What are you really virgin?" asked one of the guys in the discussion. "And do not say that a pipe, that counts."

"It counts." retorted Myra.

"You know nothing about it Myra. You're the one who wants to fuck Eddie Kaspbrak while everyone knows he's gay and clearly not interested."

Myra looked up at the skies with a grin.

"Who are you saving yourself for, man?" asked another one of the guys.

Beverly Marsh.

"No one. I’m just waiting for the right moment." Ben replied.

"Like, now’s not a good time?" asked another cheerleader. "If, I asked you to sleep with me tonight, what would you say?"

Ben blinked several times at Anna’s question and remained speechless.

Of course, Ben is an eternal romantic. He writes rose water's poems, appreciates courteous love stories and is much stronger when it comes to putting his thoughts on paper than saying it out loud. But, Ben Hanscom was definitely not a coward. He was just a virgin in a society where we wanted boys to breathe and eat porn all day long.

Anna leaned back to Ben.

"You’re super cute, Ben. You used to be before you started working out. In 5 years you’ll be a sex bomb and I want my cut now." she said in a rather serious tone.

The whole room was breathless, Anna was one of the sexiest girls in high school. Ben nodded softly and Anna smiled.

"Everybody clear this room now!"

---

While Ben surely lived what would be one of the most memorable evenings of his life. Richie Tozier had arrived at the party, and I was sprawled on that couch by the pool watching Mike and Bill be in love. Shit, I want what they have. At the same time, Beverly was playing in the pool with Audra and Betty, but you already know the rest.

"By the way, Eddie, you owe me 120 bucks." Mike said looking at his friend.

"Yeah, but I thought our friendship and the fact that I'm alive made up for that." Eddie replied.

"If you say so." Bill replied.

Stan came to join them.

"Frankly, Eddie, I missed you, we missed you all, it was not the same this summer without you, your drug stories make me feel bad."

"Aw Stan, don’t be sentimental."

"No, that’s not it. I love you, man, but... you really scared us." he said, taking a break before turning to Eddie.

Mike and Bill nodded in agreement with Stan.

"We thought you were dead. And seriously, Eddie, I’ve seen a lot of people die, but I would never agree to see you die for that. I’ve seen a lot of people die, but not people like you." Mike added. "I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your brain, but I can tell you one thing, drugs and getting high is not your solution."

A blank settled in between these four. He was not unpleasant, on the contrary. It was peaceful. They watched Beverly and Bowers fight.

"There’s one thing I remember... it happened when I was nine years old, shortly after my father was diagnosed. We were told that he was going to get better, I mean, that he had a chance of getting better. So, we celebrated it, we went to New York, seven hours back and forth. One of the best moments of my life. I told my dad that when I grew up, I would go to New York and live there."

Eddie’s voice started shaking and Stan gently shook his hand.

"Then we came home and I remember... that night, I slept with my parents and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. As if there was no oxygen in the world. My parents called the ambulance thinking I had a violent asthma attack. At the hospital, they gave me opium. Liquid. To calm me down and... then I thought, 'Okay, so that’s what I need'. Not mom’s medicine. That. Because all of a sudden, it was as if everything had become simpler. The noise, the voices in my head, everything was gone. Everything. Being in my head wasn’t a problem anymore. Four years later, he passed away and the asthma attacks that were actually anxiety and panic attacks continued. But that’s okay. I found a way to survive. I have you, guys. I have my psychiatrist. My medecine. Maybe it will kill me..."

Stan kissed Eddie's hand in support then got up and went to see the mess with Bev.

"Hey! Don’t say that!" yelled Bill slowly to Eddie before giving him a pat on his head.

"Touch me again in that ugly mustard buffalo shirt and I’ll kill you, Big Bill." Eddie laughed.

The three friends focused on the story of Bev and Bowers. Then Eddie stood up to give his best friends more privacy. Bowers had stormed into Stan’s apartment in the kitchen to get drunk. Blur’s Girls and Boys was in full swing throughout the house and the first thing Bowers did was not to drink, but to sweep a few bottles here and there with the back of his arm. Eddie and Stan followed Bowers wanting to throw him out of the party and Beverly Marsh had left the pool to annoy Mike and Bill that she had dragged inside after getting dressed.

"Get out of the kitchen!" screamed Bowers scaring everyone. " Get the fuck out."

The people around him backed back carefully to avoid getting a piece of glass, while watching Bowers lose it. Richie dug himself into a corner of the kitchen staring at Bowers totally destabilized by his behavior. Eddie, Stan, Mike, Bill and Bev entered the crowd.

"What's your fucking problem?" he said looking at Richie.

Richie looked at the sides and then looked at Bowers, he didn’t know what to say.

"Why are you here?" he says, moving forward and sticking to him. "Huh? You can't speak ? Aren't you Trashmouth Tozier for nothing?"

At the Trashmouth name agreement, Eddie’s attention got bigger. Shit, what is Richie doing here ?

"Can I know who invited you? You don’t even have any friends here. Everyone forgot you."

"Listen, uh. I don’t want any trouble, I just want to spend a chill night in my corner." Richie said, looking him in the eye.

He didn’t even blink.

"People like you are not here to stay in their corners. You are a problem here, you see, nobody answers. Nobody!" he shouted at Richie.

Richie grabbed the first kitchen knife and pointed it at Bowers, who backed away.

"You think you scare me? You think you scare me, Bowers? You know what we do to sons of cops like you in California?" yelled Richie in turn as he moved towards Bowers. "Back the fuck up!"

"I was fucking kidding. I was fucking kidding !"

"I’m not afraid of you, Bowers."

"W-put the knife down, okay? Put it down! I was laughing."

"You want to hurt me? You have no idea who I am." Richie yelled when he put the knife down.

At the same time he cut his hand without intentionally doing with one of the glass pieces of broken bottles. The spectators cried out in complete shock at this spectacle.

"You see. I absolutely don’t feel pain."

"Are you fucking crazy or something, Loser !?" added Bowers.

Bowers stood in his trembling corner, everyone watching the scene between confusion, admiration, shock and total chaos.

"No, I’m Richie Tozier. And it’s good to be home. Great party tho, Stan the man !" he said while smiling before leaving the room.

Oh yeah... fuck me.

Eddie quietly left his friends after that.

Ben came back down the stairs and saw Richie leave the party in fury.

"What did I miss?" Ben asked Mike.

"Where were you, man? You missed the craziest thing ever !" Mike asked Ben.

"I took care of my business."

Mike stares at Ben not fully understanding what Ben meant.

"I’ve lost my virginity."

"What? With whom?" asked Mike.

"Anna Addams."

"Wow. The Anna Addams?" he said with a smile. Ben confirmed by nodding his head, then Mike took him in his arms. "Well! Congratulations! How was it?"

"You should ask her."

Mike laughed and joined Stan in the kitchen. Stan gave Bowers a broom, cleaning supplies and a shovel.

"Clean up, or I’m going to get Richie." Stan said with a black look and a cold, stern voice.

Bowers took them and resigned himself. He glanced at Mike, Mike supported him, and Bowers resigned himself.

"I will stay in case you botch the job. Oh, after that, you and your friends will leave the party. Thank you." added Stan who was joined by Patricia, his girlfriend.

---

Eddie came out of the Uris house looking for Richie Tozier. He found him quite quickly getting his bike back.

"Hm... is everything all right?" Eddie asked while watching Richie.

Oh my God.

"Uh, yeah, it's good, don’t worry, m... Eddie Spaghetti?"

Richie smiled and blinked several times before moistening his lips. His smile came back, but this time in a corner one. He watched Eddie attentively, capturing every detail of his face. His hair was slightly unscrewed, his mascara had dripped a little and mixed with the glitter on his eyes. His pink lips, his freckles, his smile. Richie hugged him.

Wow. I think I’m getting hard.

"Yes yes, it’s m... Hey, don’t call me that!"

"You look good. It just smelled like trouble in here."

Eddie opened his eyes and began to blush slightly.

"Thank you, you’re not bad either... Yes! Yes, I understand your action. It’s just what you did... It was deadly classy."

The two stared at each other for a moment. Richie noticed the necklace on Eddie’s red balloon pendant.

"You still have it! That’s so cool."

"Oh the necklace? Yes! I’m not leaving it. You too, from what I see! You... you’re going somewhere?"

"At my place." Richie replied.

"I.. Can I come?"

"Yeah, of course! But your mother ? How is she since the last time I fucked her ?" Richie asked while mocking Eddie.

"Fuck my mother."

Yeah, fuck my mom. I found back the only boy I’ve ever loved in my entire life, looking like a fucking greek god and I still have to think about my mom ? Not today, Ma, not today.

The two took the road on Richie’s bike. Bowie’s Heroes passed on Eddie’s little JBL bluetooth speaker. Then, Richie suggested him to put Eddy de Preto's Fête de Trop. He was thrilled, clinging to Richie’s waist and resting his head on his back. He had strangely waited for this moment all week. It may not have happened the way he hoped, but Eddie was appeased.

Once they entered the Tozier house, they both went up to Richie’s room. Not much had changed compared to before, it was perhaps closer and more harmonious. Richie undressed and changed into pajamas, Eddie did his best not to look and Richie laughed at him. He gave her one of his sweaters that turned out to be too big for him, but anyway, he loved it and Richie loved seeing Eddie like that. He was just so...

"Cute. You’re so cute, Eds!"

"Stop it, won't you ?!"

Eddie rushed to clean Richie’s wound and apply a bandage with his first aid kit. Richie teased him by calling him Doctor K. and it was like Richie never left Derry. Richie had always been there somewhere and Eddie had seen him become a young man. Once the wound was cleaned and dressed. They took off their makeup and then the two men went face to face in Richie’s bed. They didn’t really need to talk to each other to say all the things they had on their hearts. They both laughed and Eddie snuggled in Richie’s arms. Nothing has changed. They still liked sleeping together. They still loved each other.

Mike, Bill and Georgie went home to the Denbroughs, Georgie fell asleep in the car, but Bill took him to his room quietly and then brought Mike in, then in his room where for the first time they spent the night talking when they were only the two of them.

Bev had gone home in the early morning and managed to miraculously avoid her father. She took off her makeup and changed her clothes at Stan’s after helping her clean everything up.

Ben had slept at Stan’s with Anna and had also cleaned everything with Betty, Patricia, Myra and others who had planned a sleepover at his house.

Bowers didn’t go home after cleaning up Stan’s kitchen, he went to Hockstetter’s to get drunk until the morning. Humiliated, uprooted, and completely high. He was severely taken back by his father and mother but especially by his father and went to his bedroom having already found his future victim for the year.

The next day, Richie and Eddie woke up early. Richie stopped by to brush his teeth and wash himself because Eddie forced him to do it and then Eddie did the same. Once back in Richie’s room, Eddie stared at him as he sat on his bed.

"I have an idea." he said softly.

"What?" Richie asked while stroking his hair softly.

"Wanna get high?"

#reddie #reddie fanfic #it (2017)#it (2019)#au: modern setting #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #bill denbrough #mike hanlon #stanley uris #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #euphoria hbo

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skylersummer · 5 years ago

Text

My Emetophobia: A Year On (PART 1 - Getting CBT and Exposure Therapy)

It’s been just over a year since I wrote my last piece about my emetophobia and I thought it might be helpful for me (and hopefully some others) to revisit the topic, as there has been a fair amount of change in my life.

I know it’s also a little late to say this but I was absolutely overwhelmed by the response from my original post, I am so incredibly glad that I was able to educate and reassure with my writing.

I never in a million years would have even expected to tell someone about my phobia let alone post an article about it on the internet, however it was one of the best things I have ever done. It really reminded me of the importance of sharing anxieties and worries - so so many people got in contact to say that their experiences mirrored mine exactly and I only wish that I had been able to speak up sooner.

So what’s changed? Well, after finally getting back on track with my medications, I decided to refer myself to my local South London mental health service.

[ This comes after paying exactly £100 to a private therapist for two sessions which I never managed to attend. No one really tells you how expensive anxiety can be. I decided to go through the NHS (god bless) because then at least I wouldn’t be literally going broke for appointments I couldn’t bring myself to make. I was in a bad way. ]

I received a relatively quick response from SLAM (South London and Maudsley) and found that I had been put on a 1 year online programme called SilverCloud. Each week I was to be set activities and challenges and had to review my feelings which were then read by a mental health advisor who I was in contact with.

I think that had this been my first involvement with the NHS and their mental health team, it might have been really helpful. However, my programme was aimed at general anxiety and really didn’t target any of the specific symptoms/issues I experience daily with emetophobia. I discharged myself from the course after two weeks and explained to my advisor why I didn’t find it particularly helpful and she put in a request (? can’t remember exactly) with the London Maudsley Hospital to get reviewed for a course of CBT there.

It may have only been a month before I was called into the Maudsley to be assessed by a psychiatrist.

This took around 3 hours, and I basically had to explain the extent of all of my past therapies, medications, symptoms etc. so they knew exactly where I stood.

It turns out I was in a Not Good At All place (not entirely Emetophobia’s fault, but certainly didn’t help).

I received a call maybe a week later from the psychiatrist/psychologist (?) who assessed me and he told me they wanted to put me on a 12 week course of CBT with some Exposure Therapy. He asked if I would be happy to see a student psychologist, as this would mean hopefully getting seen sooner. I said yes of course. He said the waiting list could be up to 9 months. I didn’t even know where I would be living in 9 months. I said thanks.

I think I cried quite a bit at this point. (Don’t take important calls in the Co-Op)

I was already researching into the costs of private therapists instead, as I really didn’t feel like I could physically wait that long. Then a weird miracle happened.

I got a call from the Maudsley Hospital to let me know that a space was available for me, like, immediately.

I began my course of weekly 1 hour sessions with my lovely psychologist.

Luckily, one of the leading psychologists in the country who specialises in SPOV (specific fear of vomit) works at the Maudsley (and was one of my psychologist’s seniors) and The Maudsley Hospital is the UK’s specialist clinic for emetophobics. Also it was 10 minutes away from my flat.

I am not going to go through every session as I am aware this is getting quite long but I do want to explain the course I was on a little.

During my first session we discussed (obviously) my phobia of vomit and we made a chart explaining all the things I was scared of specifically, what measures I put in place to control these situations to make myself less afraid and then we wrote a list of goals for myself. These goals ranged from long term (Travel the World!) that wouldn't be achievable in 12 weeks but also smaller ones like Travel Without A Water Bottle.

Over the next few weeks I was set challenges to complete outside of the sessions, to stop myself creating this barrier in every day situations. So I eventually stopped carrying rescue remedy spray, water, anti-nausea tablets, heat patches, even headphones, all things that I didn’t think I could leave the house without in case I was or felt sick.

My psychologist told me that having these safety nets as well as my constant texts to friends and family whenever I felt anxious, seeking reassurance, were exacerbating the fear and giving it too much control over my life. She also said that dwelling on a feeling of sickness, can often make it feel worse, than say just ignoring it or distracting yourself. She asked what would happen if I realised I didn’t have my anti-nausea tablets or water with me, and I realised that I needed to learn to live ‘normally’ (aka not like an emetophobic) and not rely on these coping mechanisms, to avoid further panic if I discovered I didn’t have these things with me AT ALL TIMES.

It’s actually such a relief (and I am grateful to not have the extra expense) to not constantly have to check whether I have my rescue remedy spray, say, with me all the fricking time! Anti-nausea tablets are also a thing of the past now, honestly SEE YA.

We also went through some CBT and looked into past experiences/memories that may have triggered my emetophobia which was pretty intense and although we didn’t come to a proper conclusion it was really helpful.

But now ... we gotta talk about exposure therapy.

I am not going to lie and say it was fun. or easy. or not scary. And I did cry. Like a few times.

BUT I wasn't sick. This was the big thing. It was quite literally my worst nightmare to be in a non-safe environment (not my home: a horrible room with no window on top floor of NHS building), with a stranger, talking about vomit. I was quite sure that this was going to make be sick. In the room. With her. AKA ... my biggest fear. BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

We started off slow. They are never gonna rush you into anything you really don’t want to do. It’s not gonna be like BAM watch this video of someone being sick. They are not < quite > that evil. (Did actually call my therapist evil in one of these sessions, sorry Sarah*)

I am actually trying to find the website we used but I currently cannot. Do send me a message if you are keen to have a go at home, and I can try and send it over.

The first bit of exposure was the worst weirdly. Up until then it had sort of just been chatting about the phobia but I had built up all this weird anticipation anxiety around it which made it so much worse. (In retrospect it wasn’t bad at all)

We literally read through a list of different words for sick. Any ones that particularly scared me I had to repeat 50 times, to desensitise myself to them.

This was fine.

Then we moved on to sentences about sick/being sick. There was one sentence that I am not exactly sure why but REALLY triggered me (it was honestly about a cat but felt very graphic at the time) and I cried and asked to stop and to go home. Sarah calmed me down a little but she said “I don’t want to let you leave now because I think that if I let you go now you won’t come back for any more sessions.” She was really right. I had already started planning my journey home and also how I was never ever going to return to the psychologist ever again.

But I stayed. I stayed because I knew she was right. I stayed because I knew how lucky I was to be there, being treated. And I stayed because I knew I had to try.

This feels like a good place to stop right now and it’s getting mega long, but I will follow up with part two and the rest of the exposure therapy in the next couple of days. Please share if you found this at all helpful.

* Name changed just for privacy

#phobia #anxiety #therapy #emetophobia #emetophobic #emeto tw

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thedistantstorm · 5 years ago

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Keep On Rising(Until The Sky Knows Your Name) 17

A story about how an orphaned Amanda Holliday comes to belong in the Last Safe City and the family she finds along the way.

(Or, the story of how Commander Zavala finds himself responsible for one Amanda Holliday.)

Chapters: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

This time: Zavala gets flung head-first into being Amanda’s Guardian. Eva stops by to see his charge.

Notes: I’m so sorry for taking a month off on this one! After a lot of consideration I’ve decided to finish this one off with the conclusion of chapter 19(maybe a tiny epilogue, we’ll see). I’d like to write more for them, but I think it would make sense to package each arc of their story neatly. Expect a sequel about them adjusting to life after Amanda’s injury, including the difficulties of Zavala’s work, and those who have to step in and lend a hand.

He swears he only dozes off for a second, but when he wakes, the light of the sunrise is bright in his eyes, and Amanda’s laying the wrong way in the bed, her head near the footboard. “How much longer?” She whines to Shiori, hovering above her.

“Twelve minutes. How’re you holding up?”

She flops face down with an exasperated groan. It’s enough of a reply.

“What are you doing?” Zavala asks, watching her.

“Stretchin’.” She puts a hand on her right hip, but winces when she pushes down.

“By laying on your stomach?”

“I gotta,” She tells him, turning her head to the side, mostly murmuring into her blankets. “Twice a day I gotta lay on my tummy or my hip gets all twisted ‘n angry.”

“Apparently,” Shiori floats over to her Guardian, “If she does this before therapy, it makes things easier.”

“Y’think the same lady will come in to make me do my leg circle-thingies? She was nice.”

“What?” Zavala looks to Shiori, who gives a Ghost’s impression of a shrug.

Amanda lifts herself up with her arms, shaking slightly. “Ain’t nobody told you anything, have they?” At the Commander’s deer-in-headlights look - which was really funny, she thought - she sighs. “They make me do all sorts a’stuff all day. I take medicine, then I do my exercises, then sometimes the doctor comes to see me. Then,” She stresses, overwhelmed with the thought of all these tasks, “They give me more medicine an’ I nap,” She flushes. “The medicine makes me sleepy.” She sighs. “You really don’t miss nothin’.”

He hums, rising from the rather uncomfortable chair to stretch himself, reaching first to the sky, then down to the floor before using the little en-suite to freshen up.

“When ya leavin’?” She asks after him, around the time when Shiori tells her she’s in the home stretch; Only four more minutes and she can roll back over.

He stands in front of the window on the other side of the room, not returning to the chair. “I am not. Not today. Not unless there is an emergency.”

Amanda absolutely beams at him.

The doctor pulls him out into the hall when he stops to see Amanda towards the end of her physical therapy session. If he’s intimidated by the rank of the man he’s talking to, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he hands Zavala a copy of every medical record they have on the girl, which Shiori immediately transmats it away, scanning and uploading every word to her internal memory and a tablet for Zavala.

“I’m estimating about two, maybe three weeks,” The man says. “The majority of her injuries were minor, leg excluded. Right now, so long as we can keep her eating and she puts on weight, all of her lab values should balance out, and she should be free to go. By then she should be completely mobile on crutches, and in a few months, if not sooner, she’ll be able to start using a prosthesis.”

“I did not expect it to be so soon,” Zavala admits, tucking one fist into the other hand behind his back.

“It’s a traumatic injury,” The doctor muses, “But an amputation is usually pretty clean. Her scarring is not as neat as I had hoped, however, and she will grow. Therapy will be the most important thing. She will compensate with her back and hips for the lack of a knee. Pain will likely be an issue. We’ll get her started on a regimen, but it will be imperative to keep up with it, in order to facilitate a complete recovery. The psychological aspects will be far more intensive. We’ll set you up with someone she can talk with.”

The doctor does not carry on for long before moving on to his next patient. When he goes, Shiori hovers in Zavala’s peripheral. “We have work to do,” She tells him. “A lot of work to do.”

Zavala would agree aloud if she pushed him to, but Shori can already sense he’s overwhelmed, so she opts for a gentler approach. She’s used to reading errant thoughts across their link, well aware that her very stoic, very in-control Commander is actually an anxiety-riddled maelstrom of emotion. He’s very good about not letting it show.

“We knew it would be all hands on deck,” She reminds him mildly. “We’ll take it a day at a time.”

His agreement is silent, between them alone. She shivers out of being in motes of light, her soundless fusion with him like a gentle reassurance, a reminder to breathe.

Two days later, Zavala comes to check in on Amanda mid-morning only to find Eva perched on the edge of the bed. Amanda is standing, holding both of the woman's hands for balance, sweating with the effort. A chair is behind her, to catch her if she falls.

Zavala waits in the doorway, not wanting to spook the girl and ruin her already precarious balance. She forces herself to sit without flopping, putting one hand on the arm of the chair, then the other, then controlling her movement.

"My arms feel like jelly," She grouses.

"New exercise?"

"Zavala!" She tilts her head in the direction of his voice, the cheer his arrival brings visible. Eva smiles.

"Hello, Amanda. I see you have a visitor."

"Eva and I had breakfast," She tells him, looking to Eva. "It was really good."

"I am glad you liked it," Eva tells her, patting the top of her hand. "I'm going to make those pastilleos I told you about. I'll have to bring you some."

She looks to Zavala while Amanda hums an excited mhmm! Zavala's blue gaze meets hers for a beat, giving insight to his gratefulness. When he'd spoken to Eva the day before, she committed herself to helping with keeping the girl's weight up without his prompting, but he was not expecting her to come through so quickly. Really, he should have known better.

"Well, I'm not just here for that," Eva says kindly, retrieving a bag she'd placed on the windowsill. She pulls out a tablet, handing it to the girl. “We have some decorating to do.”

“We do?”

Eva laughs. “My dear, we have to talk about your bedroom! You won’t be in the hospital forever, and when you get home you’ll need a place for-”She breaks off when Amanda’s face crumples. “Oh, don’t cry dear, it’s alright!”

She wipes the tears away from her face with the back of her hand, giving a nervous laugh as the other trembles, propping up the tablet. “I don’ mind whatever,” She says quietly, with a nervous laugh. “It’s fine.”

“Oh, come now, there has to be something you’d like-”

Zavala shakes his head, hardly a gesture at all, really. Amanda doesn’t notice, but it’s enough to silence Eva. He takes the tablet from Amanda without preamble, setting it aside and then leaning down. “Think you can stand again?”

She nods, and he offers her both hands, letting her use them for leverage to pull herself to a single shaking leg. He feels it buckle before she realizes what’s happening and dips, catching her before she’d ever come close to the ground.

“Sorry,” She murmurs, and he shakes his head.

“You aren’t hurt?”

“This happened earlier,” She admits softly. “I’m real weak, they said.”

“You haven’t been feeling well,” He muses, “And your body isn’t used to this. We’ll work on it.” She hums, snuggling into his embrace while he moves aside one blanket and sits in the chair with her in his lap. He reaches for the tablet. “But for now, I think Eva said there were some patterns with ships on them, and we should at least look at them.” He looks down at her, unsurprised by her unwavering gaze. “Did you tell Eva that you want to be a pilot when you’re older?”

“Oh, that’s lovely, dear!” Eva gushes.

“But-” The hurt in her voice cuts the conversation like a knife. They fall silent. She doesn’t have to speak it aloud for the two adults to understand what she’s thinking.

Then, “You have a habit of making the impossible happen,” Zavala tells her softly, whispering the truth against her hair as he searches through Eva’s round up of decorative options. “You made it to the City, fought the Fallen and lived to tell about it. Convinced me-” Her fingers curl over his arm in a pseudo-hug. He kisses her forehead when he cannot continue, waylaid by his emotional transparency. “You’ll fly, Amanda. Believe me.”

She twists to hug him for real, but it doesn’t last for more than a couple seconds. When she settles, she looks over to Eva. “Are there ones with li’l ships?” Her head rests against Zavala’s jaw as she helps him scroll through the images. “I really do wanna fly someday,” She admits quietly.

“There should be,” Eva answers. “And if there’s not one you like, we’ll figure out something different. You leave it to Eva, dear.”

#amanda holliday #commander zavala #found family #destiny fanfiction #shipwright september #(yes i know it's october but let's just keep this organized shall we)

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revlyncox · 5 years ago

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Where Charity and Love Abide

This sermon was given to the UU Church of Silver Spring via online worship on May 10, 2020.

Where is the Divine in all of this? If you’ve ever had sessions with a spiritual director, that may sound familiar. If you are a theist, they may ask you to reflect on where God’s presence seems nearby. If you are agnostic, they might get more creative, like where are you finding awe and wonder, where is a sense of reverence popping up in your life, when do you get a tingle that something sacred is happening?

One of the songs in our prelude this morning, Ubi Caritas, suggests that where charity and love abide, the Divine is there. I find that deeply comforting - I don’t know if I believe in God, but I do believe in kindness, and remembering the ways that people and other beings express love helps me to have faith that there is something holy moving through the world.

In times such as these, I am looking for every sign that I can. It is easy to get overwhelmed with world events and personal sources of sadness. Really, I wonder, where is the Divine in all of this? If there is a higher power, I don’t think it makes arrangements intentionally for our suffering, but maybe there is a power that can comfort and inspire us and move us to respond when humans hurt each other. Maybe it comes from humans ourselves acting our best and highest; or maybe it comes from the Source of Love, beyond our knowing. We need that kind of help right now. Where is it?

It may be that part of my problem is looking for the sacred in one, concrete place, as if it were a pair of scissors that keeps moving around the house. My mind is trained to seek things that I can see and touch and hold, and perhaps the holy is not a thing with a single location. Particularly in times such as these, when everything is changing quickly and our basic assumptions about how the world works are being upended, concrete predictability will not yield a force that brings comfort, inspiration, challenge to live our values, or a sense of connection with the universe. in times like these, perhaps what we seek can’t be found in one place. It’s not a commodity to be grasped. Not even signing up for the right workshops or collecting scented candles will allow us to possess it and tame it. What we seek is a spirit that moves.

Some of our Pagan friends celebrated Beltane not that long ago. One of the traditions of this holiday is to light fires. Some say that one aspect of the tradition is to put out all of the fires in the community, to light a new fire to be the Beltane fire, and re-light all of the hearths of the community from this new flame. In this way, the warmth and light of every household is connected to one source, to one flicker of renewal. Cattle are driven between festival fires in hopes for their continued health. Partners jump over the fires to renew relationships. Grains from the previous year are cast into the flames, symbolically purifying the stores of that which is stale. The fires of Beltane remind us that renewal happens in relationship. Our community is linked by shared renewal. Partnerships thrive in cooperative renewal. Our ability to thrive agriculturally is relational with the earth. And none of it is static. Instead, the spirit that moves dances like the flames, taking no final form. The Beltane fires are something to pass through or leap over or rekindle, but cannot be predicted or held in place.

Another story about fire is coming up for Christians at Pentecost, celebrated this year by Western Christians on May 31. As the story goes, Jesus’ friends had been coming to terms with his death and the possibility of his resurrection for over a month, meeting in small groups and figuring out what it meant to continue their movement without their leader. In some of the stories, the resurrected Jesus had appeared to them, and at the end of this time of regrouping, left them to return to heaven. It was again a season of pilgrimage in Jerusalem, and there were people from all around the known world crowding into the city.

As the story goes in the Book of Acts, the disciples were all gathered in one group when “tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other languages, as the Spirit gave them ability.” The fires of Pentecost are the fires of renewed mission. They could not continue witnessing and healing the way they had done; they had changed and the world had changed. Fire symbolized that they had to carry out their mission in a new way. They needed new language, new skills for communication, new technologies for finding connection. The shape and the outcome of their movement was not set at that point; they were traveling through a time of transformation. The flames of Pentecost gave them energy for change, but not certainty.

Though Unitarian Universalism grows from Christian roots, not all of us are close followers of Christian tradition. I don’t know if the story happened exactly this way, but I believe it’s true that a movement that witnesses for justice for the poor and accountability for the powerful, a movement that knows that state-sanctioned violence is a real possibility, a movement that seeks right relationship between people and with the holy -- that movement needs to be ready for change. Sometimes the times in which we live are fires to pass through, and our way of pursuing our mission must adapt. Outcomes are not assured. The shape of things to come is unclear. The spirit that moves can’t be held in our hands. Yet there are powers that inspire and challenge and draw people together.

In the story from the Book of Acts, people are in Jerusalem for the Jewish holiday of Shavuot. This is a holiday that is celebrated very differently now than during the second Temple period of first century Palestine. Nevertheless, it’s a day worth noticing, and it is also coming this month, on May 29. Shavuot is partly a harvest holiday, bookending the grain season that begins with Sukkot. By tradition, the Torah was given to the people on Shavuot, and the holiday has become an occasion to celebrate the Torah by staying up all night studying.

In the Book of Deuteronomy, we read that the first version of the Torah that God gave to Moses to share with the people did not last. Moses came down from Sinai, the mountain ablaze, and saw that the people had already strayed, and he smashed the first two tablets. God helped Moses create another set, Torah 2.0, and those were the tablets placed in the ark.

According to Jewish mystics, the first set of tablets were written with black fire on white fire. Perhaps the black fire represents judgment and the white fire represents mercy; or the black fire represents interpretation and the white fire -- what we might think of as blank space in graphic design -- represents possibility. Perhaps the fires represent what is written and what is hidden. Rabbi Michael Strassfeld suggests that the white fire is the world around us, that the sacred must always be understood in the context of life as we are living it -- holy words must be interpreted in relationship with the world as it is in the current time and place.

So, again, the spirit that moves cannot be pinned down. The Divine flickers and dances and resists concrete form, revealing and purifying and drawing people together in ways that adapt to the times in which we find ourselves.

My last sacred story is not so much about fire as it is about commitment. We are in the middle of the holy month of Ramadan. During this month, Muslims recall when the Prophet Muhammad, Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him, received the revelation of the Holy Quran. During this month, Muslims not only fast from food and drink during the day, but they are particularly careful to avoid lies, slander, gossip, false oaths, and greed or covetousness. According to one story, the Prophet Muhammad was in contemplation when he was visited by the Angel Gabriel, who commanded him to read. Muhammad replied that he was unable to read. Gabriel embraced him, and then commanded him to recite, which he did:

Read! in the name of your Lord who created Man from a clinging substance. Read: Your Lord is most Generous,– He who taught by the pen– Taught man that which he knew not.

So ends the reading. Not only am I moved by the commitment to charity and love that I observe in my loved ones who fast during Ramadan, I am reminded by this story that we move through times of uncertainty with abilities that we either didn’t know we had or that we pick up because we didn’t know we would need them before. Being committed to our values means we adapt. If it is our hope to be in the places where charity and love act, we change along with the spirit that moves. Charity and love are not static. They are always in motion, always part of a system of relationships.

This brings us back to wondering where the Divine might be in the midst of this pandemic. How is the spirit moving us through the fires of this time of transformation? We do not know how society will be different on the other side of this. We can try to shape that change. As we do that, let’s stay anchored to our values. How do we move with the spirit in which charity and love abide?

As I mentioned earlier, I feel that our commitment to honoring the interdependent web of existence and the inherent worth and dignity of every person means that it is incumbent upon us to recognize that the stresses of the pandemic fall most heavily on those who hold one or more marginalized identities. The decision to go to the store or wear a mask or exercise outdoors is more risky for some because of factors like racism, xenophobia, and ableism. My prayers are with the family of Ahmaud Arbery, who was murdered in February, and whose family had to endure being re-traumatized this week as his death gained publicity. May the trial of the two men were arrested for his murder proceed swiftly and with integrity. The inequitable effects of the pandemic don’t stop there. Wealthy people are invited to shelter at home, while meat packing workers are ordered into places of danger, being told by a Wisconsin state supreme court justice that their illnesses and deaths don’t count because they are not “regular folks.” Families of color -- especially Black families -- and families who are poor are sustaining heavier losses. In the United States, we mourn for over 76,000 people who have died of Covid-19, and we ache for leadership that will honor those who are left. We are faced with an urgent need to transform our society toward justice, equity, and compassion, now more than ever.

I know this congregation is full of compassionate people. You have been reaching out to one another through the contact tree and spontaneous calls and cards in the mail. You have responded with generosity to the Minister’s Discretionary Fund. You are capable of great kindness. The charity and love you express is part of something larger. Love goes out to individuals, and also to whole systems, where it takes on the name of justice. Your personal calling may be rooted in acts of individual compassion. We don’t all have to be full time activists. We do, if we are honest, need to remember the systems of oppression that make suffering worse. Let us remain committed to our deepest values.

This is a threshold time, an open doorway, a sacred fire for us to pass through or around or over. I do not wish for us a return to everything as it was before. The future is still unfolding. My hope is that we adapt, that we find our place in the dance with the spirit that moves, that we follow the rhythms of justice and compassion. So be it. Blessed be. Amen.

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argylemnwrites · 5 years ago

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Just Us

Pairing: Seth Levine x MC (Jessica Parker)

Book: Red Carpet Diaries (~Book 3, Chapter 3)

Word Count: ~2600

Rating: PG-13 (a bit of language, some innuendo)

Summary: Seth always felt that Jessica was way out of his league, but it turns out those insecurities might have caused him more trouble than he could imagine.

Author’s Note: Written for Day 20 of the Choices July Challenge (just a week late, oops; prompt - Commitment).

This is a follow up to my Day 7 piece (prompt - Reflection) titled Why? and linked in my masterlist.

Seth awoke with a start, disoriented as sunlight hit him square in the eye. Where was he? As he blinked the sleep from his eyes, he quickly remember last night. Deciding to spend the night at Jessica’s after his plane landed, figuring he’d only have to wait up a couple of hours to see her, but feeling his eyes getting heavy within minutes on sinking onto his side of her bed. He remembered thinking he could take a little nap before she got back from her appearance at that nightclub and setting an alarm on his phone, but he must have turned it off in his sleep, because his only other memory was waking up briefly when Jessica was getting into bed. He couldn’t even be sure if they said anything to each other before he passed out again. Whatever the case, she was gone now, as he was alone in her bedroom.

He reached over and grabbed his phone, looking to check the time. 10:47. Well, damn. Good thing he didn’t have anything going on until this afternoon. He was surprised, not only that it was getting dangerously close to noon for him still to be in bed, but also that he was even able to sleep this late. When he’d first moved out to LA, he’d been able to sleep in until any hour of the day. Back then, when he was fighting for the 2 am slot at open mic nights, he would sleep until noon or 1 pm without issue, but as the years marched on, he found himself getting up earlier and earlier no matter what time he went to bed. And now that his 30th birthday was months, not years, away, well it just kept getting worse. It was no wonder his trip had worn him out, with all the traveling and the late night sets, and then the need to stay at the bar after every show to chat with the audience. He had been out past 2 am every night, and then he usually had to get to the airport early enough to catch a morning flight.

God, did he sound like an old man. Actually, he sounded like his dad, a thought that was scary in its own right, and one that would not be a good idea to keep dwelling on before he got some coffee. Since Jessica was clearly up already, he knew there would be some left in the kitchen. Fingers crossed she would be there as well. They hadn’t spent much time together since their vacation, which probably wasn’t the ideal way to spend the week after you got engaged, come to think of it. That’s what he got for proposing on a whim.

Rubbing a hand over his face, he shuffled into Jessica’s bathroom to brush his teeth before he wandered into the living space of her penthouse apartment. He was thrilled to see her curled up on her sofa, mug of coffee in one hand, a worn copy of The Secret of Ninradell in the other. He cleared his throat as he entered the room, not wanting to startle her. She glanced up, smiling brightly when she saw him. God, she was so beautiful.

“Hey, who’s the sleepyhead now?” she asked as he strolled into her kitchen.

“Yeah yeah, Iowa.” Seth replied, shaking his head as he grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and poured himself a cup of coffee. He supposed that was fair, seeing as he teased her no less than once a week about how many times she would swipe to snooze on her phone.

She let him prepare his coffee, adding a bit of milk from the carton in her fridge, before she spoke again. “So, how was the trip? You have to tell me everything.”

He shrugged, leaning against her kitchen counter. “Oh, you know.” He was never really sure how his sets went. Plus, it felt strange to talk about them if he thought they went well, like he was bragging or something. And these ones did seem to go pretty well… but then again, he could never be sure.

Jessica looked up from her copy of Ninradell. She always tried to get him to talk about his shows, but she seemed to understand he just wasn’t comfortable doing that, moving on quickly to other topics. But today, something was different. She kept at it, asking, “How was your San Francisco show?”

“Fine, I guess.”

“Did you meet anyone interesting there?”

“No, was I supposed to? Oh crap, did you tell me that I was supposed to find someone there and I forgot? You know I don’t network as well-”

“No, no. Nothing like that,” she interrupted, dropping her eyes to her lap, twisting her fingers around each other. What the hell had her so nervous? Did she have a jealous ex who lived in San Fran or something?

“What is it, Jessica?”

She took a deep breath, letting out a sigh before she continued, “Don’t be mad, okay? I’m not accusing you of anything. I know you would never cheat on me.”

“Jessica, what the hell are you-” but she had clearly rehearsed this little speech, talking over his interruption, trying to get the whole thing out.

“I just figured if you are tempted or something like that, well maybe we should talk about it. It seems healthier than just pretending that everything is perfect if you are having doubts. And if this whole engagement is too overwhelming, I understand. If you want to just slow things down, have a long engagement or even just go back to dating, I promise I won’t be upset. I just want us to get back to a good place where we both feel comfortable with our level of commitment.”

Somewhere in the middle of her speech, Seth felt his heart begin to race and his mouth get dry. He knew that she was out of his league. He had always known that. But she must have just figured it out. Maybe the engagement made it more real, and she saw that tying herself to a mid-tier comic and mediocre screenwriter was a terrible idea. But whatever the reason, she was asking him to slow things down.

“If… if that’s what you want,” he choked out, trying to not let his sheer terror show.

“No! I am so happy with you. But Seth, I just want to make sure that you are just as comfortable. I don’t want to hold you to something that happened right after an adrenaline rush.”

Seth frowned, setting his coffee down on the counter. “Jessica, I feel like I’m missing something pretty big here. Why would you think I would want slow things down between us?”

He stared at her, trying to put the pieces together, but no matter how he thought about things, he felt like he was completely out of the loop. After a few seconds of painful silence, Jessica finally spoke.

“I just figured there must be some reason you wanted us to have an open relationship.”

Her voice was so small, so quiet, Seth almost missed it. And when he did hear it, he thought he must be hallucinating. Did she really think that he wanted an open marriage?

“No!” he bolted around the island, racing over to Jessica on the sofa, sitting down next to her and grabbing her hands. “Jessica, believe me. I don’t have any real interest in an open relationship.”

“Then why would you even ask? Come on, Seth. There must be some reason why you brought that up after we’d been exclusive for well over a year.”

She was right. There was a reason. It just wasn’t at all what she thought it was.

“I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Why would you lose me?”

“Because you are so far out of my league, Jessica.” She opened her mouth to argue that point, but Seth just shook his head. “You not believing that fact doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Even if that were true, which it’s not, by the way, why did you think that I would want to have an open marriage? What did I do that made you think that I would want to sleep with someone else?”

Seth sighed, grabbing her tablet off the coffee table and opening up a fan site he’d stumbled upon while waiting to catch his flight to San Francisco. It was dedicated to Jessica and seemed to have a pretty active membership. He’d been so proud of her, seeing how passionate people were about her work, her talent. But then he’d stumbled into a thread that focused on her personal life, and it was rife with speculation. About her. About them. About Matt and Hunt and Teja and Victoria. About all of her friends and why the hell they all went on vacation together.

“I think it’s just different in Hollywood, they all sleep around with each other and no one bats an eye at any of it,” read one comment.

“They’re all having sex with each other but are scared of the backlash if it ever came out. That’s why she’s openly with the most vanilla one in the whole group,” said another poster.

“She’s only with him publicly because it makes her seem more relatable. They clearly have an agreement,” claimed a different commenter.

Jessica scrolled through the thread, her eyes growing wide as she scanned across line after line of similar posts. After a few minutes of reading, she stopped, bringing her eyes up to meet his.

“This is all complete nonsense. You know that for a fact. Why would reading this make you think it held any truth at all?”

“I don’t know,” Seth rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed that he had so clearly let his insecurities affect their relationship.

“Seth, have I ever given you any sign that I wanted to sleep with someone else?”

He shook his head. He’d never seen her so much as flirt with anyone.

“Then why would you ever believe this shit? Seth, I don’t get it. You trust TendrSomethingz476 and HawkeyezFan2969 more than you trust us? More than you trust me?”

When she said it that way, it made him feel like an idiot. Of course he trusted her more than some random internet strangers. But it was easy to feel that way now, when she was sitting next to him. It was a lot harder when he was alone and there were tabloid photos of her out with Hunt or going over to Matt’s mansion.

“Jessica, I trust you. I guess I just don’t trust that someone as amazing as you could be happy with just me. Not when you could have someone way better looking or more famous or-”

“Then you don’t trust me, because I have told you time and time again that I want you. I love you.”

“I love you, too. But you are this mega-famous, talented superstar, and I’m just this awkward, dorky writer and comic. On paper, it looks like you outgrew me. I’m the type of guy you date for a while before you land your first big role, get noticed by the paparazzi, and sign commercial deals for bottled water or perfumes or credit cards. Best case scenario, I’m starter marriage material.”

Jessica paused, tipping her head back slightly and staring off to the side as she tried to find her next words. After a few moments, she spoke again.

“Sacha Baron Cohen and Ilsa Fisher.”

“What?”

“Look, I don’t like you talking about yourself like you don’t deserve me. We are equals here in every way. But since you are determined to see us as uneven, I figured I’d find an example of a couple that apparently works in spite of not seeming to match on paper. Hence, Sacha Baron Cohen and Ilsa Fisher.”

“Yeah, and the world doesn’t get why they’re together either.”

“Then the world doesn’t know what it’s missing, with them or with us. Because I get to be with someone who is funny and sweet and caring. You make me smile and laugh and be myself, not this polished version of myself I have to present to the rest of the world. I’m happy with you. Just you, Seth. And I don’t think sleeping with anyone else would make me any happier than I am now.”

Seth didn’t quite know how to respond to that, dropping his gaze down to his lap. He didn’t know how he found someone that saw him that way, far better than he saw himself. He was staring at his hands, processing her words and her utter faith in them, when two smaller hands came into view, grabbing both of his. His eyes automatically focused on the dark pearl sitting on her left hand.

“Seth, look at me.” He turned to face her on the couch as she kept talking. “I know you aren’t the most confident guy out there, but next time you have insecurities, can you promise me you’ll come to me to talk about them instead of trying to solve a problem you just created in your mind?”

Seth nodded, moving his hands to twine their fingers together, “Yeah, I think I can manage that.”

“Good, because I’ve been pretty anxious about this whole open marriage suggestion for days now.”

Seth squinted before the implications of her words fully hit him. “Wait, you thought I was trying to sleep with someone else while I was at one of my shows?”

“How else could I have taken your suggestion? I couldn’t think of anything else that would motivate you asking me that.”

Seth knew it was the wrong thing to do, but he couldn’t help it - he burst out laughing. The whole thing sounded so ridiculous coming from her, that there was some universe where he was picking up people at comedy clubs instead of just missing his insanely hot girlfr- no, fiancée - while he was away.

“Iowa, you’re telling me that instead of thinking that suggestion came from Seth ‘my insecurities have insecurities’ Levine, you jumped to the oh so logical conclusion that I suddenly developed such great game that I was looking for some strange at a comedy club and not, you know, heading back to my hotel to sleep and watch B movies like the boring old man I am?”

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t quite hold back a smile. “You’re not the only one with insecurities, you know.”

She was right, of course. But it was easy to forget that she had been an awkward theater nerd with only one friend before she arrived in LA and took the world by storm. Seth knew he was guilty of thinking that she must be insanely confident because of how quickly she’d skyrocketed to superstar levels of fame. But that wasn’t how insecurity worked, not at all. “I’m sorry, Iowa. I would have never thrown that idea out there if I knew it would make you worry.”

She nodded before pulling her hands from his, swinging her leg over his lap and straddling him before he could even make a comment. “And how are you going to make it up to me?” she quipped, raising one eyebrow, but smiling playfully.

“Not sure, but you sitting like this is giving me a few ideas…”

She laughed before she leaned in to kiss him, winding her arms around his shoulders. As Seth felt himself falling further into the moment with her, he couldn’t help but think he would have to be a complete idiot to doubt what they had. Because this, right here, right now? Well sharing that with her would always be more than enough for him.

Tags: @mfackenthal @kinda-iconic @choicesjulychallenge

#seth levine #seth x mc #rcd #red carper diaries #choices rcd #rcd fanfic #choices fanfiction #choices #choices stories you play #playchoices #choices july challenge

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aisleb · 5 years ago

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nagatsukinura119 · 5 years ago

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Day 3 at Japan Expo Malaysia (28th July 2019)

Today was the last day. The day that I would last see the KiREI members. Cue gonna be a cry baby and go through Post Concert Depression (look it up hahah). Since I wanted to make the most of it, I wore the KiREI T-shirt I bought the first day I met them, which is gorgeous by the way (albeit it was a stock from their concert in Bangkok), especially the back side and I really love it!

As I said in the part one in Day 2’s report, I promised Hanapii that I was gonna draw an illustration for them. But here’s the thing, I initially thought to just post it on Twitter, but then my father said, “You should show them tomorrow” and that was exactly what I did! Now, the previous night’s adrenaline rush and fatigue was no joke, I was so exhausted, and my mind was so jumbled since I was still processing what happened at AKB48’s concert and at the airport (toldya it was VERY overwhelming). Thankfully I brought my drawing tablet in this trip (I don’t know why I did, but thank God I did). I barely finished sketching until I succumbed to exhaustion and went to sleep. The next morning I literally finished breakfast within 10 minutes and went back to our room and stayed there to finish the illustration. Since their last concert started at 2, and I had like 3 hours left to finish it (I wanted to be there by 1). Thankfully I finished on time and I quickly made my way to Pavilion.

When I arrived, once again I was surprised with the lack of people waiting at the stage (outdoor by the way), and this time I didn’t care what people thought and I just stood at the front row under the blazing sun, all in black clothes, and texting to my Discord fellas (lol). So first Austin and another host went up the stage and gave a quick introduction about KiREI and apparently KiREI was made up of 3 disbanded idol groups named “Tokyo Clear’s Smile” (this is the group where Hanapii originally came from, which I found out a couple nights ago lol), “Spring Chubit” and “Astarisk”. The girls were called in and dear gosh! Today they wore yukata again, but different designs than the first day! I just really like it when J-idols wear yukatas or any form of traditional clothing. It’s even more amazing that these girls were not just dancing, but also jumping in them! You have to admire their abilities, if not, impressed, cuz here’s the thing some of their dances were pretty vigorous, and after seeing their performances 3 times now, I could tell that Chori-chan is the ‘genki’ girl as she tended to jump the highest, dance with the most energy and also the one to rile up the audience. Miayan has the best and brightest smile that would capture anyone’s hearts (which explained why she has a fan account). Meanwhile Hanapii has the best balance in terms of her dance, her movements weren’t too extreme, and the fluidity and precision made her dance moves better, hence for me she’s the best dancer among the trio.

For this performance, Mianyan noticed me the most and as I said, her smiles were SO BLINDING! I could feel myself getting overcome by it that I had to look through my camera lens instead of my own eyes lmaoooo. Since I’m heavily biased for Hanapii I tended to look at her the most, and I couldn’t help but realized that she seemed a bit down today. I guess it wasn’t surprising since 3 days straight of performing and doing meet-and-greets could tire anyone. However, when she made eye contacts, she made sure to smile as much as she could (God I love her). Meanwhile, Chori-chan climbed in my Oshimen radar because of her bright and energetic interactions with the audience, including myself, especially whenever she invited the audience to chant with her. She’s really like the Takamina in this trio (that’s what I call ‘charisma’!)

Before they started the fifth song, Chori-chan told us that it would be their last song (cue the “Eeeeehhh~” by the audience), and I started to sob and felt my heart twinge a bit. Emotions from the previous night in the airport kind of resurfaced and once again I told myself to not cry or that would make them feel bad if they noticed. Their last song was ‘Dame Otoko’ and I’d say this was my most favorite after ‘Say Yeah! Away!’ (which I kept humming and singing to when I was at the airport the night before) and ending it with this song just made it twice the impact. The performance went splendidly but there was one point again the tears just started to leak, and I had to use my camera to hide my face. Again, I was like “NO. Don’t ruin this for them!”

After they were done, they girls professed their love for being in Malaysia, wanting to come back again (OH HECK YAS, please come back again! And I will too!) Then everyone was called for the obligatory group picture, and now me being in the first row finally paid off!

After the photo session the girls needed some time to freshen up for the last greet-and-meet session. And being the excited fan I was, I waited nearby at their booth, trying not to stand out as much as I could lol. When the booth opened, I immediately lined up behind some prepared fans. This time the man who was selling the merch definitely remembered me as he was like “Welcome back!” This time I was gonna be greedy and bought two Cheki tickets for each member and a towel. He was counting the total cost and I told him “Sanbyaku ringgit (300 ringgit)” which impressed him, and he was like “Oh! Your Japanese is good!” While I was telling him that wasn’t true, he noticed the KiREI T-shirt I was wearing and smiled even more. Honestly I really wanted to shake his hand right then and there, to thank him for his great work, but we just ended up chatting a bit more hahahah.

Before I was about to join the line, Hanapii saw me and she thought I was gonna immediately take pictures with her (oh you sweet darling). But I told her that today I was going to take pictures with everyone, and that I would start from Mianyan, then Chori-chan and finally her. When I went to the line Chori-chan spotted me and immediately assumed that I was gonna take pics with Hanapii as she asked “With Hanapii, right?” I told her I was gonna take pictures with everyone this time, and she was VERY happy, as in she started hopping (ADORABLE).

So I took a picture with Mianyan first. She kept saying I was cute and ‘comel’ (Malay for ‘cute’) and she wrote that on the polaroid frame. I told her where I was from, and since she had a confused look (cuuuuuteee) so I explained the location. I also thanked her for following me on Twitter (she was the first one who followed me). For the first round she and I took a pic with the freshly bought towel hahaha (she was really impressed that I wore their T-shirt too). I was gonna take another picture with her since I bought 2 tickets for each of them but she needed to assist to take pictures for other people, so being the social awkward I was, I stood back awkwardly and ended up going back in line since I wasn’t sure if I should’ve stayed and wait for Hanapii and Chori-chan to be free so I could take pictures with them.

While I was lining up in the very long line I realized Hanapii ran past me to the end of the line to give the last guy a sign that says ‘the end of line’ ah so adorable, at the same time I guiltily thought “Ah crap, I bought 6 tickets which meant I basically took 4 to 5 people’s chance to interact with the girls…!” When I reached them, I made sure to use two of my Cheki tickets in one go so that I didn’t have to go back in line as I specifically said, “Two tickets”. Chori-chan was so happy when I said I was using two tickets (can she get more adorable??). The first round she and I did a heart pose and when she was signing it poor girl thought my main name was “Nagatsuki” she actually remembered me on Twitter (gasp!) and she double confirmed my name with Hanapii like “‘Nura-chan’ dakke? (Was it ‘Nura-chan’?” And Hanapii was like, “Un! Nura-chan!” LOOOL! Before taking a picture for the second round, I told her on my Twitter I post my art and showed her an illustration of them that I made. She went “Amazing!” so many times I thought she was going fangirling as she started hopping on the spot (SO KYOOT). For the second round she held me close with one hand while her other hand was patting my head (I find this a bit endearing since she and I are about the same height while the other two are taller). While waiting for the polaroid to print and while she was signing them she kept saying I was cute and all, then asked if I was travelling so I told her that I came here in order to visit the event, that I was willing to fly over. She then asked me to come and see them again in Japan and before I could even respond she pulled my pinky with hers and made a pinky promise looooooooool. I remember I was so shocked that I stuttered, “Ahhh yeah yeah I’ll definitely try”.

Since Mianyan was busy I had to take pictures with Hanapii first in order to let the line go smoothly. I don’t care how many times she has greeted me with the cutesy “Nura-chan~~~” my heart still fluttered so much! Before we could take a picture, I mentioned about the previous day’s promise that I’d draw something for them and showed my illustration to her. She was like “Eh?!?! No way!” as I told her that I finished it earlier that day. She was so shocked that she was speechless and Chori came over to us and was like “Amazing right! She even drew my red ribbon!” while pointing at my phone. They traded a couple of words together and I just stood there smiling like an idiot. So we ended up taking a picture with that illustration lol.

For the second round, Hanapii was so happy with my visits, my support and the illustration that she was thanking me so many times and she literally hugged me so closely for the picture (I’m not joking, even I was like “Is hugging okay???” and she was like “Yes its completely okay!”). I thought that I still needed to put some distance between our faces, just as precaution, but nope, Hanapii pulled me so close that our cheeks were touching each other! IM SO GLAD IM A GIRL cuz so far I’d seen when they hugged guys (I was the only girl who lined up for the meet-and-greet), they still put some distance. So yeah, I was SO HAPPY with how Hanapii treated me. I then told her that I teared up a bit during their last song since it was their last day and she was like “Eehh don’t cry~” and started patting my head. She then said, “Let’s meet again in Japan, I’ll wait for you.” I thought I’ve died enough. But this comment, THIS COMMENT. I remember I blanked out for a second or two and just nodded (I couldn’t make that promise since I needed to consider my circumstances but MAN I WANTED TO PROMISE HER SO BAD). I was very reluctant to leave and this may sound pretentious but it seemed like she didn’t want me to go either cuz when she held my hands it was firmer than the last 3 times she shook my hands. Before leaving she asked me if I was gonna attend the closing ceremony later that night. Sweetheart you know I won’t miss it for the world so I promised her that I would.

For the last handshake I told Mianyan that I cried during their last performance and she was like “Ehhh~ don’t cry~ were they happy tears?” I took a second or two to rethink my words and spewed “It was both happy and grieving tears since this is the last day” hence we both ended up laughing. I was gonna show her the illustration on my phone, she ended up commenting my Murayama Yuiri lockscreen “Ooh~ cute!” and I almost had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying “Ah that’s another idol (who happens to be my waifu)” so I just giggled a thanks. Thankfully she was also very happy with the illustration that she took the phone from me (she also added I must post it on Twitter). She then asked me if I just started liking idols (girl if only you knew hahah) so I told her I’ve always loved idols. After taking the picture, Chori-chan told us I was good at winking (I didn’t realize I winked to be honest) so Mianyan went “Ehh seriously??” and quickly checked the polaroid frame and was like “Oh yeah!” while I was fluttering, going “oh nononono, I didn’t mean to do that”. Then she asked something I did not see coming, “Can you do it to me?” and I was like “Eh?” then she said SO CUTELY “A wink”. I laughed embarrassingly at first, but I did it anyway and she was soooo happy. I knew Mianyan is the boldest among this trio but guuurrrrllll you’re climbing on my Oshimen radar too strong! And that’s how I ended my last meet-and-greet session with KiREI members in Malaysia.

Day 2 reports are here (KiREI) and here (AKB48)! To be continued in Closing Ceremony!

Bonus pictures:

#Japan Expo Malaysia 2019 #KiREI

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rehkhana · 6 years ago

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how to untwist your mentality and have better control of your mental health

This is a guide for the people who have been in a bad place for awhile and don’t really know how to get out of it; this will be more directed at students, as school can be a lot of stress for people and can be what caused people to fall into a slump to begin with, but that doesn’t mean it can’t help if you’re not a student!

You have to remember its all about constant and consistent progress, you’re not going to jump from getting by to thriving in a day, a week, or even a month. You need to set very reasonable goals for yourself, and maybe even underestimate yourself a little at first so you don’t overwhelm yourself, it will only hurt your motivations and make you doubt any progress you’ve made so far.

Remember, everyone crawls before they walk, walks before they run, and they have to keep running before they can work their way up to the marathon. Also, by no means am I saying that doing all these steps or making all these changes in your life will make depression or other mental illnesses magically disappear, but it can make it much easier to manage and have less intense affects on your daily life.

From what I’ve learned from trying to manage myself, there are five aspects that people usually need to work on to see an overall improvement:

Hygiene/Organization

Self Image

Fitness

Diet

Social Media Usage

Now all of these may seem either daunting or pretty superfluous, but they all work together and can make a huge change in people lives.

Hygiene/Organization

First off, hygiene and organization can make a huge change in people lives. Spending 15 minutes a day and tidying up your desk area, putting away pens and pencils, sorting papers into the correct folders, putting laundry away, cleaning up dirty clothes off of your bedroom floor, cleaning up dirty dishes, putting clean dishes away, wiping off the bathroom sink, anything that cleans up in a small way can make a huge difference on how you perceive your environment. Continually passing by something and thinking “I need to do this” or “I need to clean that,” can take a huge toll on your mental health if it continues to be an issue, as tasks build up and they become much bigger monsters than they should be. I know it can be difficult motivating and getting yourself to do these things, even if you know its beneficial to you. I understand the lethargy, but sometimes you just need to get up and force yourself to do it. Here’s what I started doing to get myself back on track:

Make yourself a habit tracker: don’t put every single task you want to make into a habit on there at once, because you’ll overwhelm yourself. Put two or maybe three tasks on there, and keep them on there until you do them constantly for 21 days or 21 times at the interval of your choosing.

Once you get a task down for 14 days or intervals, add another task or habit you want on there. For those of us that have the problem of forgetting to shower or eat breakfast, this is perfect. Soon enough you’ll start building habits for the little things.

Don’t put huge tasks on your habit tracker; this is for small tasks that don’t require more than a half an hour of time at max

For larger tasks, have a small planner. It doesn’t need to be extravagant, just something to get the job done. This planner is for your and you only, and it will stay that way unless you choose to share it with others, so remember that when writing down things you need to do or events you need to attend.

If you still have issues remembering and holding yourself to your schedule, talk to someone close to you and ask them to help you on your journey, or set up reminders on your phone or computer, put sticky notes around the house or apartment, anything to remind yourself.

Self Image

Secondly, and I believe this is the largest obstacle that everything else plays into, is your self image. Hygiene and organization play a large part into self image, as do the other three topics I will talk about soon, but overall there are some small (or large depending on how frequently these things occur or how closely you tie yourself to them) that you can do to improve your self image:

Stop saying self depreciating things. An excellent guide on specifically this topic can be found here that was made by @colacharm and a few others.

Have an honest self reflection session. Do NOT just focus on your flaws but also celebrate all your positive traits. The simple act of self reflecting speaks great volumes about your character. It should be an informative session for yourself rather than a session for you to chastise yourself.

For students, start de-associating your worth with your grades. Everyone fails, everyone falls, everyone has weak moments where they have to pick themselves back up. @study-fox made a great guide on how to deal with failure here. Even if you don’t get the grade you were hoping for in the end, it does not mean you’re less of a person or a bad student.

Air out your issues to someone who you trust. Don’t just drop it on them spur of the moment, but ask them if it would be okay if you rant to them a little bit or have a serious conversation about yourself with them. This will let them know that this means a lot to you and is a serious matter. If they don’t want to or aren’t taking the issue seriously, just choose someone else to talk to or seek out other help. If you have a good relationship with one or both of your parents, they can be excellent support. High school counselors can be a good person to go and air out your emotions to if need be, and most colleges have support groups that you can go to as a good option. Even if you don’t go to school or have completed school, there usually is a support group in your area if you go looking for it. I understand for many money is an issue and professional therapy isn’t a viable option due to it, but there are still other resources that you can seek out:

Anxiety and Depression Support Groups here

Depression and Bipolar Disorder Groups here

OCD Support Groups here

Managing Mental Health in General here

Realize that criticism is not meant to insult you, but help you better yourself. This is a hard lesson I’ve learned and that I’m still learning. There will always be some people in the world that are out to get you riled up, but just realize that you don’t own them anything, not a single explanation or reaction, and just walk away or leave a situation like that. People who truly want to help you improve yourself and help you on your journey won’t try to upset you and will apologize if they do.

One thing that can contribute greatly to self esteem issues and depression is feeling like you’re not doing anything or at least anything productive. Start a hobby of continue with a hobby that involves physical things or produces something that can be seen in quantity; art, writing, coin collecting, baking, cooking, ect. Even if you hobby is something that may not be able to be put into quantity, find a way to make it visible; if you have a passion or hobby of learning a language, start making physical flashcards. Having something to remind yourself that you are doing something can always help during the rainy days.

Fitness and Exercise

Another factor that can affect your mental health is fitness and exercise. Now note that I’m not saying yoga will solve all your problems or that you should go out and become a gym junkie (although do so if you would like), exercise and physical exertion in general is an excellent way to relieve stress and pent up tension. While I don’t have the studies on hand, there have been studies linking cardio exercise to improved mood for up to 8 hours after about a 15-20 minute cardio session. Doing some exercise as simple as stretching out your muscles can make a big impact on how you physically feel and can relieve aches that have bugging you for weeks or months if you just stretch it out. Personally, just doing about 15 minutes of stretches a day has made a huge impact on how I physically feel and I’ve been having less issues with my shoulders and upper back because of it. For those of you that want to add a bit of physical exertion to your day but just can build up the motivation to do so, find it too tedious to do so, or just don’t have the time for a serious workout, here are some tips that may help:

If you have a Wii, pull it out and hook it up and play some Just Dance! It’s pretty fun if you like the songs you pick out on there and dancing to about 2-3 songs depending on how long they are will get in about 10-15 minutes of cardio, which is enough time to get in that mood benefit.

If you don’t have a Wii or don’t have Just Dance, you can pull up the videos of them on Youtube or just pull up some videos of choreography to any song you want and follow along in the motions. The point here isn’t to become a professional dancer or even to become good at dancing, its to have some fun while getting in some cardio.

If you’re not a fan of dancing, pull up some of those old 80s exercise videos, some of them can be fairly intense, but they can still make exercising pretty entertaining.

If you’re more for just stretching out, put on some calming songs or sounds and just start stretching out. It doesn’t have to be an extremely long session or anything, it can be as short as 5 minutes, just something to releases some of the stress built up in your muscles.

In general, you don’t need to go to the gym for hours each day to get benefits from exercise, just 15 minutes at home doing some stretching or something to exert yourself can have so many benefits alone.

You don’t have to sit there and just run on a treadmill or bike for 15 minutes while staring at a wall. You can pull out a phone, tablet, laptop, or even flashcards and work a bit on studying, responding to emails, working on a paper, anything you want so you get two things done at the same time.

Diet and Nutrition

Now another important factor is diet. The saying “you are what you eat” has quite a bit of truth to it. If you have only an Iced coffee for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat a huge dinner everyday, your body isn’t going to have enough constant energy to keep you going all day and you will hit a wall. Also, what you eat makes makes an impact. Are you eating stuff that fulfills all your daily nutrient needs? Are you eating enough calories? Are you dispersing your food and energy intake evenly throughout the day or do you eat the majority of your daily food intake at one particular time or meal? You need to take note of your diet and see how all these play out in your daily life. My recommendation or this is writing down every single thing you eat every day for 3-7 days, depending on whether you diet is extremely varied or if you eating something fairly similar every day. Now, do not track calorie count, nutrient percentages, or ingredients in any of the foods until after you are done writing everything down; if you calculate all this during your tracking period, you will unconsciously or consciously change your diet to accommodate for nutrients you discover you are lacking or over-indulging on. After this calculating all this, figure out what long-term and permanent diet changes you are able and willing to do. I will make this comment also for my vegan and vegetarian friends out there, to make sure you buy supplements or vitamin fortified foods for nutrients majorly or only found in animal products, like vitamin B12, which is important in maintaining mental health. Now, here are some quick tips that worked for me. As a disclaimer, I am not saying this will work for you or is viable for you, but I’m sharing my own experience on what worked.

Cut down on a lot of processed sugars. I don’t eat a whole ton of really sugary foods. I still eat things with sugar mind you, I still put a teaspoon of sugar in my morning coffee and eat chocolate every once in a while and what not, but I've cut almost completely cut out a lot of things like gummy bears, sour patch kids, soda, ect. Honestly a lot of my go to snacks have become Triscuits, dried fruits, yogurts, and granola and fruit bars.

If you drink coffee in the morning, eat something before you drink coffee. Eating something in the morning makes a big difference in how you feel throughout the day, and caffeine suppresses your appetite, so drinking coffee before you eat anything will discourage you from eating or discourage you from eating enough. If you must drink coffee before you eat anything, cut down on the amount you drink before you eat, then drink the rest after you eat.

Drink enough liquids!! Water is a necessity but honestly just drinking enough healthy liquids in general is key. I like to drink one glass of cranberry juice a day a long with one glass of milk in addition to all the water I drink. It’s crazy how just drinking one extra glass or day or just drinking enough can affect your system in amazing ways. I’d recommend the app Plant Nanny to remind yourself to drink enough water, its for both apple and android.

Now, this is not something I’ve had experience with it so I’m not going to go in depth about it so I don’t mess up the facts or give anyone the wrong idea of how to deal with it. If you have an eating disorder of any kind, or think you may have one, or something seems off, please go here. I want every single one of you who read this post to be healthy, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Do not fall for fad diets! Everyone needs carbs, everyone needs fats, everyone needs enough food! Do not get sucked into thinking that ‘cleanses’ or ‘purges’ are good for you! The best way you can become healthier through diet is by creating a sustainable diet that covers all your needs, not by following one of these diets for a month or two and getting temporary changes or results. These do a lot more harm in both the long and short run than people realize.

Social Media

Now this one also contributes to of the above. Social media is a wonderful invention, it gives everyone a voice, lets everyone be connected, and introduces people to new ideas and things that they may have never known about. But given all this, its a tool that can very easily manipulate your mindset into thinking that you’re not good enough or not doing enough. I will never say to cut off social media, as its become pretty heavily integrated into our culture now, but here are some thing I would recommend:

Do not use social media at all for 1-7 days. See how much more free time you have, how it makes a difference, and how you feel while not using it. Use this time to focus on a hobby, focus on yourself, or accomplish some daily tasks you want or need to tackle.

When you get back onto social media, purge your subscriptions and follows. Don’t follow or subscribe to anyone you do not enjoy seeing updates from or do not anticipate seeing updates from. You want all your posts or videos in your feed to be pertinent to you, so you spend less time searching or mindlessly scrolling in content.

Do not be afraid to clean house with your social media. If you don’t really use one form of social media and only check it just to say you did, then just get rid of it. Recently I made an entirely new tumblr account because my other one was about 4 years old and it wasn’t giving me any positivity or joy anymore and I realized was just something I was clinging to because it was habit and a huge distraction from things I needed to do. I only followed a few dozen blogs on this tumblr to prevent me from being able to mindlessly scroll for literal hours and prevent myself from being productive. Sometimes you just need to push the restart button on some things to have good impacts on your life.

Conclusions

Overall, I’d say take this guide with a grain of salt. All this advice comes from my own experiences and my own progress with my mental health. I still have bad days and bad periods, but overall they are less frequent and less intense since I started making changes like these. My experiences won’t be the same as yours, but I do hope everyone that reads this can find relief in their life and make some positive progress in managing their mental health. Here is some more resources that I’ve used in better knowing, understanding, and managing my mental and physical health:

To be able to more easily identify emotions and emotional triggers, I use the Youper App, which is available on apple and android.

One category I didn’t touch on was sleep, which is also absolutely crucial. I personally suffer from quite a few sleep issues, insomnia and sleep paralysis being the most prominent, and I use the Runtastic Sleep Better app which functions as a sleep tracker and allows me to track disturbances in my sleep, as well as the quality of sleep I get each night. Its available on both apple and android.

Keeping a dream journal can allow you to more easily recognize what is a dream and what is not while you’re sleeping, which is immensely helpful for us who struggle with nightmares.

I listen to ASMR a lot and I know its not everyone’s thing but if you haven’t listened to it I’d say try it and go into the experience with an open mind. I’d personally recommend WhispersRed ASMR and Gentle Whispering ASMR, they both have a wide range of videos that you can watch and see what works for you personally.

Think of one thing a day that you appreciate or enjoy and write that thing down. Keep it in a journal or in a jar, just somewhere those writings will be safe, where you can go back and look at them on those days that are much worse than others.

Lastly, I will say trying to manage your own mental health is hard! Please reach out to someone or a group to help you in your journey. If you can afford a professional therapist then you’re golden, but I know some cannot so even just having someone there to give you support can immensely help. I hope this guide can be helpful to some!

#mental health #positive mental attitude #studyblr #studyspo #bujo #bullet journal #mental disorder #managing mental illness #life inspiration

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