#i take it back cas saving dean from hell is a destiel thing in the way that it is cas collaring dean for heaven's use and realizing that

[silver-stake-through-the-heart]

I saw your recent post about Emma (ouch), and am wondering if you have any fanfic recommendations involving her?

Hello!

I'm sorry for the very slow answer but I needed to catch up on my Emma readings, or I'd have been able to rec only a couple of fics.

(The titles in blue were lovely recommended to me <3)

I hope there's enough choice 😊

Canonverse: Emma lives

7x13 divergence

refrain by castelia – 8k words – Destiel

Summary: He can’t help but think of the baby he saw yesterday. With chubby cheeks and a wide smile, who had looked so good and so innocent in her crib. Something part Lydia, part Dean, and wholly unique. That tiny girl was his baby. This is his baby girl.

(Or: Sam gets to the motel a little later; Emma and Dean get to finish their conversation. This changes things.)

Rockabye, Baby, Don't You Cry by bejesusness – 3k words

Summary: In theory, tracking down monsters, killing them, and saving people was a simple concept. Dean had been doing it all his life. But when the monster is a young girl who also happens to be his daughter? That's when it gets complicated.

Survival by Ophelia_Yvette – around 800 words

Summary: Emma lives after the events of The Slice Girls.

Monsters Can Be Children Too by Ophelia_Yvette – 2k words

Summary: Another Episode: s07e13 The Slice Girls AU where Dean saves Emma. Because you can’t have too many of those right?

For #spnwomenweek Day 1: Favorite Character

Purgatory arc divergence

I Hope You're Happy Now by orange_8_hands – 2k words

Summary: Emma's in Purgatory, and she's not the only one

Water of the Womb by ScarletPhoenix (orphan_account) – 2k words

Summary: A series of oneshots that explore what Season 8 would have been like if Dean had brought Emma out of Purgatory with him.

a place for us by 8sword – 15k words – Destiel

Summary: Dean lifts a leg and shoves at Cas's hip with his bare foot. He wants to stop thinking about djinn dreams, and Zachariah, and why the hell his subconscious would stick him in a reality where he's a suspenders-wearing pansy and his monster kid is alive. "Would you just lie down?"

(Canon divergence from the last few minutes of "Survival of the Fittest," 7.23.)

Crust (Find Your Filling) by orange_8_hands – 2k words

Summary: At the very least, he's gonna feed his kid. (S8 AU where Emma escapes Purgatory with Dean.)

Post canon

endless road to rediscover by rhinestoneangels (almondrose) – 3k words – Destiel

Summary: In Purgatory, Emma meets a new kind of monster.

golden eyes, tiny hands by rhinestoneangels (almondrose) – 3k words – Destiel

Summary: “Whatcha doin’, bud?” Dean asks, abandoning the conversation to look at the Nephil on his lap. “Fixing it,” Jack says, screwing up his tiny face in concentration. Dean looks at Sam, who has an eyebrow raised, then back at the kid. “Fixing what, buddy?” Dean asks, but then Jack’s eyes glow gold and the room gets dark. “Jack?” “I’m fixing it!” Jack says, palms still pressed to Dean’s cheeks, and a shape starts to take form beside the table, at first something formless and grey, but it goes white as it eases into a silhouette.

Stories focusing on Emma being an Amazon

you know that it's over (nothing left for you here) by astralpenguin – 2k words

Summary: Her sisters were her peers, and they’d quickly banded together. They’d known each other for half their lives. But that was still only a single day. And none of them outwardly doubted anything.

They all wanted to be part of the tribe. Emma wasn’t so sure she did.

the brand by deansmultitudes – around 900 words

Summary: Emma doesn't hate the scar on her wrist. She just wishes it wasn't there.

Purgatory (Themyscira) by Ophelia_Yvette – 1k words

Summary: Emma wakes up in Purgatory.

Dean dealing with Emma death

Coda to "Slice Girls" by 8sword – around 600 words

Summary: The body’s still there when they get back from the Amazons’ cleared-out building.

E is for Emma by frecklesarechocolate – 1k words – Destiel

Summary: There's an emptiness in Dean.

The Grave by SeashellDestihell – 2k words – Destiel

Summary: Dean ruminates on being a parent after the events of 12x14

Alternate Universe

In Another Life by Ophelia_Yvette – 2,5k words

Summary: What if Dean had existed in the Apocalypseverse? And what if that means Emma existed too?

Day 6: Darkness

Mother's Day by h0lm3stuck – around 600 words

Summary: “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s Mother’s Day.”

#1 Dad by chucks_prophet – 2k words – Destiel

Summary: “You’re cute,” Dean comments, because it is cute, the way he’s trying to distract Dean into burning his pancakes, or worse, making him forget this is a competition. So, to help jog both their memories, Dean swipes the butter off Cas’s pancakes with his two fingers and drops it into his pan. It cooks and sizzles before coating the entirety of the pancake like spray-on sunscreen, the way it runs off sides when Dean moves it around with a knife. Cas’s mouth hangs open as he scoffs, “You have officially gone to the dark side, Dean Winchester.”

[castielscaplan]

The Weight of What We've Become (Destiel)

Summary: Castiel bares all on Dean after the confession.

WC: 1,093

Warnings: heartbreaking confessions

Read on ao3!

--

Dean Winchester’s breath was ragged as he stood in the middle of the abandoned church, his back against the cool stone wall. The place was silent except for the distant sounds of the storm outside, the rain tapping against the windows like an echo of the turmoil inside him.

Castiel stood opposite him, his trench coat fluttering slightly as he stared at Dean, his usual calm demeanor shattered. His eyes—those piercing, blue eyes that had always been a source of comfort and strength—were now filled with something else. Something darker.

“Cas...” Dean’s voice was thick with emotion, barely above a whisper. He could feel the words scraping against his throat, each one heavier than the last. He didn’t want to say it, but there was no avoiding it. He had to.

“I never meant to love you.” Castiel’s voice cut through the air like a blade, cold and distant. “I only meant to destroy you.”

Dean’s heart stopped, the words hitting him like a physical blow. He pushed off from the wall, his chest tight, his fists clenching at his sides.

“What the hell are you talking about, Cas?” His voice cracked, the words betraying the hurt that was clawing at him, at his insides. “You—you’re saying this now? After everything? After everything we’ve been through?”

Castiel took a step forward, but his movements were hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure he could bear to be close to Dean anymore. His eyes flickered to the floor before meeting Dean’s gaze again.

“I was sent to you,” Castiel said softly, his voice raw with pain. “I was never meant to care. I was meant to use you—to manipulate you into fulfilling some grand purpose. I was meant to be your tool, Dean, nothing more.”

Dean shook his head, refusing to accept it. “No, Cas. That’s not you. That’s never been you.”

But Castiel didn’t move. He stayed rooted to the spot, his expression empty, as if the weight of his own confession had drained everything from him.

“I didn’t want to feel anything for you,” Castiel continued, the words coming faster now, as if once he started, he couldn’t stop. “I thought if I could just do my duty—if I could just follow orders and keep you at a distance—I could protect you. But instead, I... I fell in love with you, Dean.”

Dean’s heart ached, a sharp pang spreading through his chest. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. How could he respond to that? How could he even begin to understand the weight of what Castiel was saying?

“I was supposed to destroy you, Dean,” Castiel whispered, the sorrow in his voice making Dean’s stomach twist. “That was my mission. But somewhere along the way, I became... human. I became broken. I became yours.”

“No,” Dean whispered, his voice breaking. “That wasn’t your fault, Cas. That wasn’t—”

“Maybe not,” Castiel interrupted, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. “But it doesn’t matter now. Because what I did, what I became... I failed you. I betrayed you. And in the end, I destroyed the one thing I was trying to protect.”

Dean took a step forward, his heart pounding in his chest, but Castiel backed away slightly, as though afraid that if they came too close, everything would shatter beyond repair.

“Cas, please...” Dean said, his voice raw, pleading. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say you destroyed anything. You saved me. You saved us. You’re not some weapon. You’re not a failure.”

But Castiel shook his head, his face hardening, his jaw clenched as if he was fighting to hold everything together. "I’m not the man you think I am, Dean. I’m not the angel you once knew. I... I can’t undo what I’ve done to you. I can’t take back the pain I’ve caused."

Dean felt the sting of those words deep in his soul, like a wound that was just beginning to bleed. He stepped closer again, desperate to bridge the space between them, to make Castiel see what was right in front of him.

“You didn’t cause any pain, Cas,” Dean said fiercely, his voice shaking with the intensity of his emotions. “I... I love you. I don’t care how we got here, or why. I don’t care if you were supposed to destroy me. I never wanted you to be anything else. I just want you. I’ve always just wanted you.”

Castiel’s expression faltered, the wall he had built between them cracking ever so slightly. But the doubt, the guilt, still lingered in his eyes, and it made Dean’s heart ache in a way he couldn’t explain.

“You say that now,” Castiel replied, his voice trembling, “but I’ve caused you nothing but grief. I’ve watched you suffer, watched you push everyone away because of what I’ve become. How can you still want me?”

Dean’s breath hitched, his heart twisting as he reached out to gently touch Castiel’s arm, grounding him in the moment. “Because I’m not perfect either, Cas. Because you never gave up on me. You never gave up on us. I don’t care what your mission was, what you were supposed to do. You’re still the same guy who pulled me from Hell, the same guy who saved me when no one else would.”

Castiel looked down at the floor again, his fists clenching at his sides. “I never wanted this. I never wanted to love you,” he said again, his voice so quiet, it was almost a whisper. “But now that I do... I don’t know how to live with myself.”

Dean closed his eyes, the pain of it all nearly overwhelming. “You don’t have to live with it alone, Cas,” he said softly. “I’m still here. And I always will be.”

For a long moment, neither of them spoke. The air between them was thick with everything they had never said and all the words that were left unspoken. Castiel’s gaze lifted, meeting Dean’s once more.

“I never meant to hurt you,” Castiel whispered, the weight of his confession hanging between them.

Dean nodded, his own voice barely audible as he replied, “And I never meant to love you, either.”

But here they were—lost in the pain of their own love, their own mistakes. And yet, somehow, it was still enough. Because no matter how broken they both felt, they had each other. Even if it wasn’t perfect, even if it couldn’t be fixed, it was theirs.

And maybe, that was all they needed.

--

If you enjoyed this, would you please leave something in my TipJar?

[profoundbondfanfic]

Any destiel amnesia au fic recs to soothe my gentle heart, I read one au called two worlds apart and as much fun it was I'm also heartbroken 😭 and I want to fix it with another amnesia au where they are both are very much alive in the end, also maybe with a dash of fluff and tension?

Here are a few recs with fluff and a happy ending!

Basic Lessons in First Aid, Magical or Otherwise by stuffy_j (Explicit, 54k words)

Most people probably wouldn’t take the naked, heavily wounded man they found in an alley home with them. Most people probably wouldn’t also offer that man a place to stay and become his best friend after realizing he’s suffering from an intense case of post-traumatic retrograde amnesia. Most people probably wouldn’t then risk almost everything they know to save said man, and maybe save the world in the process. But then again, Dean Winchester, RN (with a specialty in supernatural care), has never been like most people. He may not have a magical bone in his body, unlike his brother Sam, but he’ll do whatever it takes to help. Even if Castiel has questionable opinions about Star Trek.

Here We May Be Free by FriendofCarlotta (Explicit, 39k words)

When Dean was eleven, he saw something in the ocean: a boy with blue eyes and iridescent scales. Almost twenty years later, a spontaneous detour after a hunt brings Dean and Sam back to the town where that encounter took place. And Dean can’t shake the feeling that Castiel, the owner of the local Mermaid Museum, looks familiar…

Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) by sobsicles (Explicit, 66k words)

When he wakes, he has no idea who he is. Not his name, what he looks like, or why he’s flat on his back, staring up at the stars littering the night sky. The first thing he learns about himself is that he has shitty instincts, especially if his first one is to protect the blue-eyed man currently stabbing someone in the face. Or, the story where two strangers can’t agree on much and know even less, but they’re both fairly certain that they’re in love.

Paper Moon by robotsnchicks (Explicit, 43k words)

By the time he hits thirty-three, Dean's given up on the apple pie life, accepting that a serious relationship isn't in the cards for him. But when he meets Cas everything falls into place. Now he’s happily married, hopelessly in love, and they’re about to buy their first home together. It almost feels too good to be true. It turns out it is. His world comes crashing down when he wakes to find that he’s been a subject in a virtual reality simulation gone wrong. All the years he thought he spent with Cas were actually experienced in less than a week. And when he gets out, Cas is nowhere to be found and nobody has heard of him. Ignoring the possibility that Cas may not be real, Dean sets out to find him and convince him that it’s worth giving Dean — and their relationship — a shot in the real world.

The Same Mistake, Again by zaphodsgirl (Mature, 43k words)

One night, after watching Dean pick up yet another girl while they're out at a bar, Cas heads to the local diner. Over the years his feelings of attraction have only deepened into something more, and he wishes desperately to go back to the time before he was in love with his best friend. His wish is granted in an unexpected way: he wakes up in the hospital the next morning with broken limbs - an arm and a leg- and a fractured memory with the last four years missing.

The Stars Will Remember by casblackfeathers (Explicit, 60k words)

Being a hunter was all Dean knew ever since his mother had been killed by a demon when he was four. Hunting, offing monsters, and then jumping to the next case was his life. Then he met the most alluring and breathtaking omega he had ever seen and spent the next five years loving the hell out of Cas, their life together filled with the domestic lovey-dovey stuff Dean had never thought he would dig so much. When a simple salt-and-burn goes sideways, it ends up with Cas’ memories stolen from him. Dean is left to pick up the pieces of the life they built together, his ‘make it up as he goes’ strategy to prove to his mate that Dean’s still worth a damn, his only chance at getting Cas back. He’s done a shitty-ass job at keeping Cas safe before, but he will pull out all the stops now to woo his mate again and stir the memories Dean knows are still there buried deep inside Cas’ mind.

The Story of You and Me by the_diggler (Explicit, 54k words)

Dean wakes up in bed next to a very human Castiel, and a journal in his own handwriting that tells him it’s two years in the future. The house looks a lot like Bobby’s, and Sam lives there too… He just can’t remember how they got from angels falling in the sky – to comfortable domesticity. While there is much in the journal Dean doesn’t remember, there is much of their story he’s always known. And as he settles into the routine of his new life and relationship with Castiel, it quickly becomes something he doesn’t know how to live without.

Unveil the Splendours of Your Heart by thefandomsinhalor (Mature, 68k words)

When a reporter asks Dean, a homeless man with a mysterious past, why he exclusively keeps close to the billboards and posters of a specific male model—the one Dean likes to refer to as the angel with spectacular blue eyes—in a moment of weakness, thinking it won’t change anything about his situation, Dean tells him the truth: it’s how he finds comfort and solace. Something that is difficult to come by. That is until the story reaches the ears of Castiel Novak, the model in question.

Whiskey & November by dothraki_shieldmaiden, FriendofCarlotta (Explicit, 188k words)

There is a place in L.A. where the richest of the rich can make their dreams come true. For an outrageous sum, they can hire an “angel” who is programmed to be exactly what they need: a stripper, a scientist, a temporary boyfriend. Most people don’t choose to question who the angels are, or where they came from. Sam Winchester is not most people. His brother Dean went missing in L.A. two years ago, and Sam has spent all that time trying to track him down. The trail leads him to a shadowy organization known as “Heaven” that coerces people into giving up their identities and personalities so they can be reprogrammed for Heaven’s purposes. Inside Heaven, trouble is brewing: two of the angels, Whiskey and November, are beginning to break through their programming. As they fall for each other and fight to remember who they are, they discover that they have an ally already working to bring down Heaven from within.

Not really amnesia, but they think they have it:

Found Family by Dizzybunny (Explicit, 55k words)

When Alpha Captain Castiel Novak returns to the US after being rescued from three years of captivity, he is amazed to find a family he doesn’t remember living in his house. Not just any family - his omega husband and pups. Dean had been told Castiel was MIA, and probably dead. Living in Castiel’s old house, raising his own and Castiel’s pups as a single father had been difficult, but he managed. Now Castiel is back. Can he fit into the life Dean has made? Can Dean adjust to having an alpha? Does Castiel want a husband he can’t remember?

White Lies & Winter Blues by PaperAnn (Explicit, 37k words)

When Castiel drives by a car wreck, he should’ve heeded the warning, ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions.’ He’s a nurse, it’s a record-breaking, cruel winter, and upon seeing the driver hypothermic and near-death—his instincts kick in. Cas doesn't think, he jumps into action to save the omega. Once the ambulance arrives, Castiel joins the ride. Then in the hospital room, he keeps a watchful eye over the omega's treatment and care. All under the guise of being ‘his alpha.’ Castiel’s plan was innocent, wishing for a quick recovery, followed by quicker exit. Except, he misses his shot. The omega awakes and the nurse beats Cas to the punch, with the declaration, “You’re lucky your mate found you in time!” causing all hell to break loose. There are no questions. A starry-eyed and love-struck Dean Winchester automatically believes the accident caused amnesia, that Cas is his mate. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Now entangled in his own lies—still reeling from the unexpected discovery they’re true mates—Cas feels helpless. He doesn’t know what the fuck to do! Besides...playing along. Paving his road to hell, one good intention at a time.

[watching-spn]

just finished another season, you know what that means: spn bingo card update!

details beneath the cut:

sam with even longer hair -> yeah i guess it just keeps growing. by season 15 he's gonna be rapunzel

cas going through the worst shit ever -> let's be real, when is he not? but yeah, he was in purgatory, didn't feel like he deserved to be alive, got the angel tablet literally ripped out of his stomach, got his grace pulled out... i think i can check that box

cas isn't there for half of the episodes -> yeah and that was mean. don't do it again. petition for him to get back to being in the "starring" part of the show again, not just "special guest star misha collins". main character. now.

new hunters -> yeah lol a whole episode about new hunters (8x18). but that was so sad

meg kicks ass -> she went down kicking ass. rip you absolute badass

bit of a time skip between s7 and 8 -> a little more than a bit. a fucking year. but yeah

emotional + funny dean/baby reunion -> wasn't really all that emotional or funny, he just complained about the dog smell :/

some disgusting and violent fight scenes in purgatory -> as flashbacks yeah, plenty

both dean and cas escape purgatory -> they did. not together sadly :(

kevin gets his old life back somehow -> lmao yeah no, sorry kevin. couldn't have been more wrong with this one

destiel hug -> OH HELL YES! the look of pure happiness in dean's eyes when he found cas in purgatory!!! (8x02)

a whole lot of blood in someones face -> yeah more than once, i mean, this is supernatural. people exploding all the time gets other people blood in their pretty faces (just to name one, kevin in 8x07)

charlie comeback -> YESYESYES MY QUEEN YOUR HIGHNESS

digging up graves -> more than once i think, but the most important one was right in 8x01 when dean dug up benny's grave T_T

garth appearance -> yes. we have been garthed. 8x06

new monster species -> does the golem count as a monster? idk what he is but i'll just take it

some crazy lore about the creation of humanity or angels or some shit -> i'll count the tablets for this i think? i mean we learn a whole lot about angels, demons, leviathan. so yeah i'd say it qualifies as crazy lore

cas doing human things and being adorably clueless -> i love when he does that. the supermarket scene in 8x22 was everything

no main character dies -> i can't believe i'm saying this, but yes! sam, dean AND cas all got out of this season ALIVE??? (there have been enough other deaths though)

someone calls dean cas' boyfriend -> surprisingly not. but instead we got "your angel" so i'm not complaining

crowley being a dick but also saving them -> he wasn't exactly keen on saving their asses this season. he was iconic though, as always

sad childhood flashbacks -> nah (thanks for sparing us. at least from that one)

wanted by the police again -> also nah

getting drunk together -> also not. BUT we got dean and cas drinking at a bar together in the last ep (i think it was the last one). they didn't get drunk though but at least that

yeah sooo... BINGO BITCHES i'm having so much fun with this show (actually i'm suffering but in a good way)

[hallmarkdestiel]

This one is about one of my favorite ships. Sabriel is the relationship between Sam and Gabriel. Now I know what you’re thinking.

“But he tortured Sam in the Mystery Spot episode by killing Dean over and over again.”

I get it. That’s a valid point. But here’s the thing. Sam and Gabriel have similarities in their storyline. The younger brother who just wanted out so he ran away. He wanted to be free. I’m not sure how to do this. This is hard. The point of Mystery Spot was that Gabriel was trying to prepare Sam for Dean’s death. Oh and the fact that he played ‘Heat of the moment.’ By Asia which by the way, is a LOVE song.

‘I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do

A look from you and I would fall from grace

And that would wipe the smile right from my face’

Those are the first words in the song that played every morning. Gabriel was apologizing to Sam for doing this. He was trying to make a point but clearly this wasn’t exactly the best way to do that. I should probably add in here that Sam knows how Gabriel feels and what he went through in hell. They both shared the same trauma. By that, I mean they were both tortured in hell. Oh and they both have trauma due to Lucifer. If you consider the fact that Gabriel was killed by his own brother. (Or well we were meant to think that for EIGHT years.)Gabriel stayed back with Lucifer at the hotel, telling the Winchesters to leave with Kali. He stayed behind in the AU world with AU Michael. Do you ever think about the fact that Gabriel stayed behind twice because he KNEW he was going to die? He knew he wasn’t going to survive and not only that but when Sam begged him to bring Dean back, Gabriel did (Sam gave him the puppy dog eyes. The power that he has.) Even back at the hotel, he looked at Sam first before he looked at Dean. Oh and here’s something else. You know how Castiel says, “Hello Dean. Sam.”

Gabriel said, “Sam... Dean.”

Also the fact that Richard Speight Jr himself thinks that Gabriel is a good Guardian Angel for Sam. Gabriel is the Angel of Monday and what was Sam born on. Yeah. You guessed it. A MONDAY. In the Thing, Sam was the only one that Gabriel let touch him. He wouldn’t even let his own BROTHER touch him. Sam sat there with Gabriel. He was patient. He was so gentle taking the stitches off. If you watch the whole episode, when Gabriel is with Sam. That is the ONLY time he blinks. Plus everyone knows that saying “I need you” is the Winchester way of saying “I love you.” Now I know what you’re thinking.

“But that I need you belongs to Destiel!!!!”

No. It doesn’t. It can apply to other ships too. Sabriel is just another parallel to Destiel. And I can tell you why. In Exodus, when Sam dies, Gabriel blames himself. He blames himself because he couldn’t do anything. He’s low on grace, practically human and he couldn’t do anything to save Sam. Then when Sam came back, he stood up and he couldn’t even believe his eyes. Sam was alive. And don’t even get me started on the whole leader of Heaven thing. They made this whole big deal about Gabriel being the leader of Heaven.

“Get off my moose!”

And before that, when Asmodick came back in the bunker to steal Gabriel back, that Boss hog wannabe hurt Sam and Cas and faced the wrath of a VERY pissed off Archangel. I forgot to talk about tall tales. The first time they met. The way they looked at each other is just like how Dean and Castiel look at each other. It’s obvious that Gabriel had a crush on Sam. He’s a trickster. He’s messing with Sam and doesn’t know how to handle it. Changing channels. He constantly screws with Sam. Mystery Spot. Again, he doesn’t know how to deal with his crush on Sam. Oh and did I mention that Gabriel straight up flirted with Sam? He literally said, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you’re just a pretty face.”

I think that’s all I can think of for now.

[the-gayngel]

i decided to do a tarot and pendulum reading about the potential spn reboot (with the supernatural tarot deck!) so if that's your kind of thing, check below the cut!

since i did the tarot reading first , i'll be discussing that first. i'll briefly explain how i drew my conclusions for each question, but if you have any other questions just let me know. also warning this will be a long post but please stick around especially for me adding the pendulum's results, exciting stuff came through with that!

tarot reading

question 1: side characters that may be on screen. because of the nature of this question i'm not really interpreting meanings of the cards (one exception), it's mostly just going with the characters on them

benny, adam/michael, meg, jess, and baby (this one made me giggle because of the car getting raptured jokes)

i asked for clarification on jess (it was kinda a curveball to me) and i got 7 of swords/blades in reverse which actually has ruby on it. the meaning of the card is basically stop lying to yourself. lowkey i think the show is gonna try to make sam and jess get back together in heaven, OR sam will have to face past relationships and make some sort of decision about who he's "meant" to be with. if they erase eileen (again) i will be upset LMAO

question 2: timeframe for an official announcement. using the actual card meanings for this (also the picture of these cards is with next question's)

the hermit in reverse and page of swords/blades. honestly i think it is in the veryyyy beginning stages of being planned so unfortunately there's not really an actual time estimate. but be on the lookout for little hints from actors, producers, etc

question 3: timeframe for it actually being on our screens. once again using actual card meaning

the wheel of fortune in reverse. momentum is stalled, stagnant; fearing change. so once again there is not really a current estimate of when this will happen but it will probably be longer than a lot of us want/expect it to be. for the fearing change part i think that's referring to the production process, possibly struggling to find the network and work out legal aspects, also maybe slightly scared to bring back the show because they're not sure how viewers will respond, but they will still go through with it

question 4: plot-wise, will it pick up where it left off and stay in heaven? will it rewrite pre established canon ending? using characters + card meanings

5 of cups/goblets (gadreel), 8 of pentacles/pentagrams (jo), 9 of swords/blades (alastair), 10 of wands/bones (cas), 8 of swords/blades (constance welch)

i think it will take place in heaven where we left off (sam and dean stay dead), but heaven/hell/earth will all end up being involved. what im leaning towards is some sort of infiltration of heaven; demon drama with all hands on deck (lots of fan favorites would likely come back for this). the 8 of swords meaning is feeling stuck/imprisoned so maybe the chuck won theory is actually true?? ultimately another Big Bad or cosmic event involving fixing/protecting the afterlife

question 5: will they make destiel fully canon with onscreen reciprocation? characters + card meanings

death (death, lol), page of pentacles/pentagrams (ghostfacers), the hierophant (billie), and queen of cups/goblets (ellen)

call me crazy but i think this is saying yes. ik this is silly but because ghostfacers came up it reminds me of the "gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day" quote especially with being between death and billie. also i think production sees destiel as a valuable business/economic opportunity now. despair/the deal will obviously be brought up. billie might be angry that cas killed her and some plot develops with that? ellen being here is a bit of a curveball but maybe she tells dean in heaven to get his shit together LMFAO but also the guidebook says "this tarot card is a reminder to be nurturing and compassionate with those you love" + cups being emotions and pentacles being stability, everything previously unsaid will finally be getting attention. think it'll definitely be A Journey to get to it; a lot of forces within context of the show and in real life still going against it though

look in reblogs for the pendulum results!

[kerryweaverlesbian]

I want destiel with 13 or 22 (the prompts you reblogged)

Take it easy, with me please, touch me gently, like a summer evening breeze

"You know what this mix is called, Cas?" Dean murmers, pressing his forehead to the side of Castiel's and changing their sway to match the new rhythm.

They've been dancing alone in the kitchen, slow and close, for something like half an hour, and these are the first words either of them have spoken since Dean pulled Cas in. On one side their hands are tangled loosely together, and on the other their arms cross over at their waists, keeping them both pressed together, chest to chest.

"No," Cas says, playing along. They both knew the tape had already been in the stereo when Dean had reached out and pressed play. It wasn't one Cas recognised; all slow, a lot of crooning women.

"It's called, 'For Cas, if we win'. I made it while you were gone." Dean's breath warms the tip of Cas’s ear, and his meaning warms him everywhere else.

"Was there an 'if we lose'?"

Dean shifts his head back to look Cas in the eye. "No. I was never going to happen."

Andante, andante, just let the feeling grow.

Enchanted by the devotion in Dean's eyes, he's caught of guard by his sudden, amused smile. He understands when Dean sings along, sotto voce, "Touch my soul, you know how. Forgot that was coming."

"You've touched mine, now," Cas reminds him, "Or, the closest thing I have to one."

That's how he'd gotten out of the Empty, Dean cradling his Grace to his chest and then fighting his way back through miles of black, sucking sludge, beset by angels, demons and the Empty's own power as he went. The place had been a lot more active since the last time Cas had been stuck there, but no less bleak. There had only been a chance for Dean to finally choke out an, "I love you too, you fucking idiot," when they'd collapsed back out through the portal before he'd fallen asleep for 15 hours straight.

"Your hands were very gentle," Cas notes, and he can feel Dean's face heat as he moves them cheek to cheek, an endearing and unsuccessful attempt to hide his blush. "I felt very secure."

"I didn't want to drop you," Dean admits at a mumble, then complains, "You were freaking slippery, man."

"My apologies," Cas teases, and Dean knocks him with his hip in playful retaliation. "If it helps, you fought me all the way from Hell to your gravesite."

"Sounds like me," Dean says, with a prideful grin that Cas can hear in his voice.

I'm your music. I'm your song.

"Yes. Had I known then how you would change me, I might have held you even tigher."

"Or you might have let go, save yourself the trouble," Dean quips, but there's a fragility to it that has Cas stop the dance and take Dean's cheek in his palm, guiding him to look at him.

Play me time and time again, and make me strong.

"I wouldn't trade the life that we have built for anything. All the time that I have loved you has been-" Cas can't help the tears starting to catch at his voice - "Has been the best of my existence."

Dean's welling up along with him. Perhaps they will both cry every time he tells Dean he loves him. A very small price to pay, in comparison.

"Cas," Dean says in a rasp, and knocks their foreheads together gently. Two teardrops fall from Dean's eyes to Cas’s cheeks with the movement.

Andante, andante, tread lightly on my ground.

No matter who moved in for the kiss, they both lean into it, careful and soft and everything they haven't managed to be with each other until this point. The passion shared between them is palpable, even as the kiss remains relatively chaste. There's no finish line to run to, anymore. No Apocalypse to beat. They have the time to dance together, just as slowly as they please.

Andante, andante, oh please don't let me down.

[scorpiowritesnreads]

My Angelic Lover - Destiel (pt 1)

Pillow Fort

"Hey Dean?" Castiel asked. Dean turned around and focused on Castiel. Giving him his full attention.

"What's a pillow fort?" Castiel asked. He deeply wondered what the fascination was. It was a bunch of pillows and blankets. But the purpose baffled him as much as humanity did. Including his Dean. Dean wasn't his just yet but he loved this human more than others he had in the past.

"Ah. Pillow forts are for kids mostly but adults can enjoy them. It's a way to shut out the world and hide for a while. I used to do this with Sam and we would hide away from demons and monsters." Dean explained. "We can build one if you like?"

"Um... sure?" Castiel answered cautiously. He wasn't sure if it would be right to do this sort of fun despite Sam being possessed by Lucifer running around.

Dean saw the process of confusion and contemplation across Castiel's face. Dean said "We can take a break from trying to save the world by watching a movie and decompressing."

Dean wanted to do more with Castiel but deep down inside he knew the longing wasn't reciprocated. He longed to hold Castiel in his arms and kissed his forehead. He wanted to share his pies and burgers with Castiel as well. He never felt that way before in a long time. However reality knocked down his perfect illusion. Angels didn't fall in love with mortals. Even when they did bad things happened. God would strike it down in one way or another.

Castiel left because he wanted to get some fresh air. They had been stuck in the bunker obsessing with finding a way to save Sam.

He left the living room of the bunker and found the closet that had sheets. Returned to the living room and took the couch cushions and positioned them to be a fort-like structure and covered it with blankets. He went into the storage closet to find battery operated LED candles. He crawled in and placed them around the area in which they would lay down. He left to go find the projector from Sam's room.

"Sorry Sammy. I'm borrowing this. You aren't using it right now." He whispered in the vacant space that was Sam's room. Dean hoped that he would save Sam soon. He missed him. He was all he had left besides Bobby. They both died and came back and went through all sorts of hell. This was no different.

Castiel came back and saw the fort. Dean gestured for them to go inside. Cas crawled in and Dean followed.

"I see what you mean. This is very isolating. A little claustrophobic for me but I can deal with it." Castiel said as he noted his surroundings. The fort was sparsely lit.

They laid down and he put on a classic movie for them to watch. This felt right. Both secretly wished that this moment would last longer.

#castiel #destiel #dean #supernatural #fanfic

[starseneyes]

Part VI - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

I thought I could fit this all in 5 parts, but like the original Star Trek movies, I guess there had to be 6 of them. You can find the others linked in my Destiel Meta Master Post if you found this one first!

Look, I'm hella late to the party. But I'm here because of you, Tumblr. You GIF'd and posted and made me want to see what the whole hubbub was about. So, thanks.

Season 15 for this one. Wrapping the whole thing up.

WARNING: All of this is one lady's opinions about a show that went off the air 5 years ago. Take with a grain of salt. Laugh it off if you need to. My opinion isn't more valid than anyone else's.

SPOILERS: Yeah, it's all here. So, if you're spoiler-averse... run.

Everyone good? Yup. Let's do it one last time. Let's dive in.

S15E1 -

“Jack’s gone, so we listen to what the Demon has to say. If we don’t like what he says, then we stab him.”

Dean, you had me going with the first part, but what a way to finish, buddy. And then Sam steps in to say that Dean is right to drive the point home.

“You okay?” “Yes, but-” “Good.”

This is so married. Like, we’re still in a fight, but I’m going to check on you because you’re mine and that’s what I do when I’m worried about you.

“Wow. Awkward. You wanna talk about it or?”

Either Demon Boy is already aware of the Destiel, or he clocked that shit fast. Things are awkward because they still love each other, even when they are pissed.

Dean would love to cut Cas out of his life so he doesn’t have to feel the pain. He’s so angry, it would be convenient to walk away, to stab him in the neck, to do any of the things he would do if it was anybody else.

But, it’s Cas. He may try to pull away, but they’ll find their way back. Every time.

“So, you and me versus every soul in hell. I like those odds.”

See? He’s cut Cas out of the equation. He’s mentally blocking him and making it just about him and Sam, again. And, yes, it’s always him and Sam at the end of things. I know that.

But there have been times where Team Free Will existed, and it was always with Cas. Right now, Dean can’t. He just can’t.

He has to block Cas out to get through because he’s hurting and angry and there’s no room for anything else if he’s going to make it through this next hurdle.

S15E2 -

“Hey.” “Yeah, hey.” “Dean, I recognize that I… dropped the puck.” “Ball. It’s, uh, dropped the ball.” “Ball, right. I didn’t tell you about Jack, and then after what happened with your mother…” {Dean turns to face him} “Don’t.”

When Cas walks in, Dean glances enough to see that it’s Cas and acknowledge him. But he’s still not eager to talk. He keeps his back to Cas until the end, there, because he’s still pissed.

“You’re angry.” “Yes, I am angry. At everything. All of it.” “All of it?” “This mess. All the messes. It’s turns out that we’re just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh?”

And here, Dean forgets to be specifically mad at Cas. He’s falling into their familiar rhythm of him confiding in Cas, telling Cas what’s really on his mind. They’ve been one another’s sounding board for ages, now.

“Tell me you don’t feel conned. God’s been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history.” “You don’t think I’m angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn’t mean it was all a lie." “Really?” “Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth he, he just kept it to himself.” "Well, now that his cover’s blown, everything that we’ve done is for what? Nothing?"

This hurts. Because the one thing Dean could always tell himself was that what he and Sam did meant something. That all the people they saved mattered and that they had to keep doing what they did.

Now, he doesn’t know if it mattered. If all the pain and sacrifice meant anything because he feels like a puppet on an invisible string, pulled this way and that, seemingly independent but controlled all the same.

“Even if we didn’t know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck’s machinations, how would we describe it all? We’d call it ’life’ because that is precisely what life is. It’s an obstacle course and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that.”

Cas doesn’t see it the same way as Dean. He doesn’t believe in the invisible strings, but instead sees it much as a mouse working through the problems set out by a scientist, curious to see which way the little animals will scurry.

Will they reach the goal? Will they get distracted? Will they abandon the race in favor of a morsel of cheese?

And Cas tries to get Dean to see it, but as soon as Cas says they did well, all he can think about is what they did wrong. What Cas did wrong. The most recent failing.

Mom.

“Did we? I’ll tell you what we do know, Nothing about our lives is real. {Dean steps closer to Cas} Everything that we’ve lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice. I can’t.”

The fact that Dean steps closer to Cas there fascinates me. Framing-wise, yes, it’s gorgeous any time these two are close. But character wise, I wonder what motivated that movement.

Maybe it’s because he’s trying to drive the point home. I mean, who talks more about “having a choice” than Dean and Sam Winchester?

Castiel was a company man for a long time, insisting he didn’t have a choice. But everyone does. Every time.

Except, now Dean’s questioning everything. He walks away, feeling his words fall on deaf ears. But as Cas calls out to him Dean stops. He stops.

He could’ve kept walking. But he didn’t. Because pissed as he is at Cas and at everything else, he still stops.

“Dean. You asked what about all this is real.”

Castiel turns to face Dean, and the human turns back to the Angel.

“We are.”

It’s not enough to convince Dean, but it’s heartfelt. It’s meaningful. And it’s true.

And I am once again flabbergasted by how much was achieved in 2:18 of screen time.

Cas and Dean start the scene at odds—Cas still seeking to mend fences and Dean walling himself off all the more. Then, they come together in the middle, united by their mutual anger over all the bullshit with Chuck. But by the end, they’re torn apart, again, because they still haven’t talked it out.

Cas wants nothing more than to discuss it. Dean wants nothing more to never discuss it. They’re at odds.

And they can only go on so long like this.

S15E03 -

“How’s Sam?” “Not great.”

Cas approches Dean. Dean walks over to talk, but when he settles, there’s a tablet between them—a barrier, a physical representation of how far apart they are right now.

“Sorry about Rowena.” “You’re sorry. Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?”

Dean perches on the table, settling into the conversation. He's been pissed at the Angel a while, now, and this doesn't help matter.

“Belfagor was lying.” “Belfagor’s a demon.” “He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, earth, and everything-” “And we would have figured it out. After. With Rowena.” “The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong.” “Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

This is the moment Dean goes too far. And he knows it. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he didn’t say them because it was true—he said them because they would wound.

Because, he’s a killer, right? He shoots things. He stabs things. He injures things.

And when he’s hurting, he lashes out. But this time, he went too damn far. He can see by the pain in Castiel’s eyes that he hit him right where it hurts, right in his greatest fears.

The punch landed, Dean, but was it worth it?

I think I mentioned before, I have this super power. This curse. I know exactly what to say to hurt someone. I know exactly how to hit them where it hurts. And it’s the worst feeling when you see their face and realize they believe you meant it.

But Castiel doesn’t see Dean shake his head. He doesn’t see the moment of realization. The Angel’s stuck on the words and what they mean—he’s the problem. He’s the issue. Dean will never see it another way. Not this time.

“You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me. {Dean scoffs at that. Looks up to meet his eye. But he can’t hold it} My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you over and over, and you just don’t want to hear it. You don’t care. I’m dead to you.”

That’s what Dean said, right? “You’re dead to me”. And Cas believes it.

“You still blame me for Mary.”

Dean nods at this. Cas has seen all he needs to see.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” {Cas turns to walk away… Dean was finally meeting his eyes} “Where are you going?”

He hadn’t even left the room, but Dean somehow knows Cas is on his way out. And he really doesn’t want him to go, even if he can’t say it. When Cas answers, he doesn’t turn around.

“Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”

Castiel is now cutting himself out of the narrative, doing the work for Dean. Even as he turns back enough to see Dean’s face, he doesn’t fully face him. He can’t.

“I think it’s time for me to move on.”

Cas holds Dean’s gaze for a moment, maybe hoping Dean will say something. When he says nothing, Cas leaves. And Dean lets him go. He says nothing. He does nothing.

Dean’s used to people leaving, to people abandoning him. But I think even he knows this is different.

S15E05 -

It aches that Sam is trying to reach his friend, but in this divorce, Castiel is putting up a hard barrier between himself and the Winchesters. He’s convinced Dean will never forgive him, that he’s too damaged to be of any help, especially with his powers failing.

But Sam doesn’t seem to know much of anything. And Dean’s not one to volunteer information. So, Sam tries and tries to reach Cas… without success.

“That Cas?” “Yeah. Straight to voicemail. Again.”

Dean’s the one to know exactly who Sam is calling.

“Yeah, well, we gave him the heads-up on Chuck and Lilith. What else were we supposed to do?”

Maybe consider open communication with the best friend you’ve ever had, the one person who has been constant more than anyone else and only left when you tore into him in a way that would have fatally wounded any mortal.

And, yes, I understand Dean’s anger and where it comes from. He’s not wrong to feel. But how he has dealt with it led us to this point—where the one person he could always count on isn’t even answering the damn phone.

S15E06 -

“I had a friend who always praised fishing for its meditative qualities. Wish I found it more relaxing.”

The past tense on this is killing me, but it’s also sad. Castiel wanted to try doing what brought Dean peace, the first thing he saw in his dreams. But Castiel and Dean are just very different people.

So, he’s doing it because he misses Dean. And he can’t be close to Dean right now, so he’s doing it in his own way.

Yeah, these bitches are in love.

“Cas. Sam’s been trying to call you.” “I know.” “Did you check his messages?” “Nope.” “Right. Smart. Why would you? Look, I don’t know if you care or not, but, uh, God, Chuck, is back on the board. So watch yourself. And check your damn messages.”

I love that the case forced them to talk to one another. And Dean could’ve royally fucked Cas over on this one, but he didn’t.

The love is still there. It’s just cloaked in veils of mourning layered one upon the other until the heart is too obscured to be seen.

And I have to say that I love that we get to see capable Cas in this final season. He’s learned how to work a case solo, how to hop through the hurdles of humanity. And I know I should be pumping the air with glee that it drove him back to the Winchesters, but I also consider the personal victory.

Yes, he had to use his powers in there a bit, but most of what he did, he did the human way. He can help. He can do the right thing. He’s not useless.

Without Dean to reassure him, he needed that affirmation to come from somewhere else, and I’m glad that—for once—the Angel found it in himself.

S15E07 -

“Hey.” “Dean.”

Cas is struck seeing Dean. Yes, he decided to come back, but he wasn’t ready for Dean to walk in at that particular moment. Like a pair of exes, they’re both a little unsure how to act around the other.

The table’s still between them, still separating them. And the only thing keeping Dean moving is his concern for Sam.

“I got your message. Sam, is he, uh -” “He’s fine.”

Cas can’t look him in the eye. I think he’s afraid of what he’ll see there when he does. More anger?

“Good. That’s good.” “Yeah.” “Good.”

Seriously. Counseling. It’ll do y’all wonders.

S15E09 -

“Cas, if you wanna stay here, why don’t you stay here.”

Cas glares at Dean on this. The human’s still taking nips at him like an angry puppy. But we know he decides to go with them, and when Dean has to cut his hand for the spell, Cas offers to heal it.

It strikes me how Dean holds his hand during this shot, and I wonder where the choice came from, because it feels so deliberate.

As Cas waves his hand over Dean’s, Dean’s hand is in motion, turning upward, opening up like a blossoming flower.

You could feel Cas’ trepidation at the offer—wondering if Dean would even accept it. And afterwards, it’s obvious the effort it took. But Cas has committed to being here, no matter what. So, he’ll do whatever it takes.

Even if these two still aren’t looking one another in the eye.

They’re both dealing with their shame—Dean’s shame at being wrong. Cas’ shame at leaving when it got too tough.

And once they land down below, it’s striking and feels just wrong that Sam is between Dean and Cas the entire time. The chasm between them is so wide, Sam has to be the buffer.

Sorry, Dean. I know you don’t like Sam in the middle of you and Cas, but right now, y’all kinda put him there yourself.

And it’s so weird that Rowena picks up on it immediately and sends Sam out of the room so she can address Dean and Cas in private.

Also, can we talk about the awesomeness of Rowena, Queen of Hell, making sure not to out Cas and Dean to Sam? I like, we know that Sam is well aware of what’s going on here, but Rowena’s care in the matter is damn impressive.

If she can do it, nobody has an excuse. Be respectful of others. Don’t out people. Love people as they are. It’s really not that hard.

“What am I picking up from you two? A wee tiff? Tell your Auntie Rowena.” “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” “It’s fine.” “Boys. Fix it. … And you can’t make it right. So fix it!”

This is really what they needed to hear—especially Dean. Cas has tried to fix it. He has! But Dean just hasn’t been able to move on from his anger.

But, remember the last time Cas died? Dean said they’d sort it out, but they never had time. Season 13 started with his second Widower Arc and he was so fucked up he was willing to die. At the hands of Billie, no less.

Her words haven’t sunk in, yet, but they will.

So, Rowena, thanks for the Couple’s Therapy. They needed it!!

“Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She’s hot.”

I love that Dean sees the spark between Sam and Eileen, and understands his brother enough that he knows Sam would be looking for something real. The boys are brothers, but they are wildly different.

Dean gets off the phone with Donatello and spies Cas behind him. He could have kept ignoring him, but he decides to talk to him instead. It’s not the same as before, but he’s at least talking to Cas.

“Alright, the good news is we know where he is. Bad news is we can’t get to him in time. Not before he moves, again.” “Then we bring him to us.”

They aren’t looking at each other, but they’re trying to work together. They’re trying to do what needs to be done together. But there’s so much hurt there. So much anger. So much pain.

For once, Castiel isn’t forcing things. He’s tried and tried and not gotten through. And Dean’s not looking to be the one to start the conversation.

Later, after Cas talks to Michael, Dean walks into the kitchen and sees Cas at the table. Cas acknowledges him, but still can’t look at him.

And the framing of this shot is insane. Dean is standing, but he’s positioned in a way that makes it look like he and Cas could be having a conversation across the table if he was only ten feet to his left.

Like, this is beautiful. They’re on different planes, so neither is actually looking at the other. But the framing makes it look as though they could be.

It’s amazing how this implies they want to be face-to-face, but aren’t. Cinematographers are magicians.

“Now, if you’ll please.”

I like the small glance between Dean and Cas, here. There’s a bit of that trust that they’ve built over the years still playing through.

“Since when do we get what we deserve?”

This is one of the most fascinating lines and deliveries to me. Because Adam has reason to be pissed at the Winchesters. And he’s realized that they’ve all been through some shit.

But knowing what we know about the deal with the Empty, this feels particularly painful. But it’s information we have that Michael wouldn’t. It’s information Adam wouldn’t. So, the look to Cas has always been a confusing one to me.

Is he just trying to include Cas in on the Winchester Family of Fuckery? Or does he see something / know something Dean doesn’t? I don’t know. It gives us a lot to dissect and talk about, sure, but it’s one of those where I’d really love to ask the actors because I’m just not certain enough to draw a reasonable conclusion.

S15E09 -

“Whatever, we need to go.” “To Purgatory.” “Chuck has Sam. I’m not leaving him.” … “Dean, will you stop? {Dean turns to face him} Just stop being so stupid.”

I love when Cas calls him out on his pig-headedness. It doesn’t happen enough. But, Castiel is in the right on this one—they can’t attack with nothing. They need to get moving.

“Okay, let’s split up.” “What?” “You go that way. I’ll go this way. We’ll meet back at the rift, alright? We’ll cover more ground. We’ll better our odds." “Yeah, we’ll also improve our odds of getting lost or killed. Come on.”

This cracks me up beyond cracking me up. Because Castiel is done with Dean at this point. They’ve been fighting for ages. Castiel has tried apologizing and tried to talk to him, and since he won’t listen to him about that, he’s going to be certain Dean listens on this.

And, how much do I love that they never had to discuss the tail. They both just knew they had a tail and wordlessly worked together to handle it.

Because they are at their best when they’re working in the rhythm they’ve crafted through years of trust and failures and finding their way back to one another again and again and again.

“I know you’re sorry, Cas. About Bel. About Mom.”

Dean looks down and away when he says that one. It’s the first time he’s actually brought her up with Cas since the whole thing went down without screaming at him.

“I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.” “Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn’t just up and leave us.” “You didn’t give me a choice. You couldn’t forgive me and you couldn’t move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn’t stop me.”

What the fuck is this married-ass conversation? I mean, Dean’s abandonment issues are coming out hard despite the bad blood between them. And Castiel’s done with Dean’s shit at this point.

I’m not saying that Dean doesn’t have a point. Cas should have told him. But they’ve forgiven each other over and over and over before.

This time, Dean’s holding on. And while that crushes Castiel, he’s still here. He came back.

Castiel is here to do the job, even though that means being near the man he loves, knowing that man is too angry to even look him in the eye. Everything they’ve been up to Mary’s death is in peril.

But Castiel came back, anyway. And he’s pushing through, no matter how much it hurts.

Yeah, that “permission to be happy” thing seems way far away about now.

And Chuck takes Sam through a version of reality where Cas is the one to go in the Ma’lak box. Where that undoes Dean to a point far worse than what Castiel is seeing now.

Dean may be pissed at Cas, now, but he still can’t lose him. He just can’t. He’s lost too much already.

Meanwhile, in Purgatory, Dean is straight up yelling for Cas. I meaning a land of monsters, you don’t really want to announce yourself. It’s basically a dinner bell. But, he’s yelling out, hoping Cas will answer.

Then, he looks at the phone and sees the minutes counting down. He mutters a series of “no’s”, looking around in a panic.

A thought strikes him, and for the first time in ages, he prays to Cas.

“Cas. {Closes eyes} Cas. I hope you can hear me. {opens eyes} that wherever you are, it’s not too late.”

Too late for what? Too late for him to get away? Too late for you to say what needs to be said? A bit nebulous there, Dean Winchester.

“I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. “

This is when the emotions hit him. He glances around to be sure he’s nos putting himself in a vulnerable position with someone nearby before dropping to one knee. He’s leaning against the tree for cover, but he’s also there for support.

Because, he might be too late.

Too late to say he’s sorry. Too late to say he was wrong. Too late to admit what he knows in his heart but can’t get out of his mouth until it’s too damn late.

Because every time before when he lost Cas, it was too damn late. He thought they’d have time to reconcile, but like Rowena said, it couldn’t be fixed, because Cas was gone.

No, he can’t risk that, again. He has to try.

And for a man who thinks of prayer akin to begging, his begging is personal and pleading—please forgive me, Cas. Please be alive, Cas. Please come back to me, Cas.

“I don’t know why I get so angry. {the tears start to fall} I just know that it's just always been there, and when things go bad, it just, it comes out. And I can’t, I can’t stop it. No matter how, how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And, and I, I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to… I’m sorry it took me til now to say it. Cas, I’m so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”

Ackles is crushing this. I mean, we’ve seen the man cry quite a bit in this role, and he’s always believable. You feel it with him—the heartache. The pain.

This one is special to me, not just because of the Destiel of it all, but because of how controlled he has to be. Dean is aware that he’s in a vulnerable situation. He knows that a monster could be on him at any second.

So, a part of him is aware (almost) every second. But you can spy the brief moments when he collapses into the pain, nearly loses his thoughts to the fear that he’s going to lose his Angel.

They were here before, Castiel and Dean. And then the Angel stayed behind despite everything Dean went through to find him. This time, though, it’s almost worse.

Because he doesn’t know if Cas understands what the Angel means to him. Yes, we all know there’s more to it than Dean can verbalize, but even what he’s able to wrap his head around is significant.

This is his best friend and he let him walk out of his life. And Cas came back. He didn’t have to ask or beg him. Unlike so many people, Castiel came back to them even without forgiveness. Even without Dean telling him they’d get through it.

Cas came back.

And look where it got him—hunted in Purgatory trying to help the Winchesters save the world.

So, Dean cries without knowing how this story will end, if his words have been heard. He cries for the might have beens and the probably gone.

But once the words finish, he gives himself one more second to feel what he’s feeling before bottling it back up and getting back on the move. He has to keep moving. He has to keep it contained. He can’t let himself feel the agony.

“Dean.” “Cas?” “You made it.” “I made it?”

It’s the swoop shot! We swoop from Dean to Cas as he sees him slumped against the tree.

Dean is the one to reach for him, to pull him close, and Castiel clamps down with his one good arm, the other holding the Leviathan blossom under his jacket.

“You okay? , I’m fine. … It got a little smushed.”

As Dean sees what Castiel accomplished despite it all knowing that Castiel still fought for him despite how he was acting, despite the lack of forgiveness, despite Dean not stopping him from leaving.

Damn, that’s love.

There’s so much pride in there, too. He’s proud of the Angel.

“Once I had the blossom, I fought, caught them off-guard. They fought back. I managed to get away.” “You did it. You did it, Cas.”

He repeats it to make sure Cas hears the affirmation, to make sure Dean understands how thrilled he is that Cas completed the mission. Because the words, “Something always goes wrong. / Why does it alway seem to be you?” are ringing in his memory.

He wants Cas to know that he saw him get it right. That he isn’t always wrong. In this case, Dean admits that maybe the “wrong” was him. He was wrong with how he handled that whole thing, and he’s hoping Cas gets his meaning.

“Cas, I need to say something.” “You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.”

These looks baffle me, as they do many others. Because Dean doesn’t look relieved. He doesn’t look comforted. He looks like he wanted to say these things directly to Cas, but Castiel let him off the hook.

And I’m not sure Dean wanted to be let off this time. He wanted to speak his penance.

But Castiel starts moving, again, and with the little time they have, Dean does, too.

From Castiel’s point of view, he doesn’t look comforted by the prayer, either. He looks pained. Perhaps it’s from the beating he took getting the blossom,

It’s fascinating and I’m really having trouble reading them. Another time I wish I could ask the actors, “Hey, what was that!?”

At the end, Castiel and Dean are sitting next to each other in the same posture. Finally finally Destiel are back at the same table. There are no more tables between them. They’re sitting together on the same plane.

And when Sam walks into the room, Dean and Cas straighten at the same time, moving as one.

Oh, yeah, we’re so back, bitches!

But, seriously, the Divorce Arc is so fascinating when put against the Widower Arc of Season 13. In both cases, there are things separating the pair, and both times it’s death—just different deaths.

Dean was in shambles over losing Cas in Season 13. And, yes, Mary, too. Not discounting that! But when the man bounces back like a Weeble (who wobbles, but won’t fall down) as soon as the Angel returns, I think we can draw some conclusions, eh?

Meanwhile, this time Cas’ indirect part in Mary’s death is what has driven them apart this time. And we can see that Dean’s been inching back towards Cas every episode. Even when he’s pissed, he still trusts Castiel to have his back in Purgatory and anywhere else.

But faced with losing Cas again!? That’s when the final wall breaks down. And, yes, what Castiel said helped. Because it framed that Cas understood the problem just as well as he did—he couldn’t get past his anger. He was letting his anger celebrate him from love.

Anger and Fear can block Love. Dean’s been denying himself Castiel’s love. Yes, he still gets it in bursts and fleeting moments when he forgets to be angry, much like when he was pissed at Cas for killing Billie.

But this was his Mom and that makes it a thousand times harder to work through.

Faced with losing him, he finally pushed through. Because love—real love—endures. And that’s what Cas and Dean have.

It might not have a name to satisfy the anti’s, but it’s damn real.

And, can I just point out that Eileen was my favorite of Sam’s love interests ever!? I was heartbroken we didn’t see her again after this episode. She was amazing, and the actress did a beautiful job.

I heard Padalecki would message her to teach him signs that he thought Sam might learn for Eileen, and that made my heart leap. I only know a little ASL, but what I do know helps me chat with a friend who is Hard of Hearing. My children take ASL at school.

If we all do our part to learn, we can try to make this world a little more accessible for those who have no choice but to adapt to a world that wasn’t crafted with them in mind.

So, I will say I was impressed and heartened to hear that Padalecki was the one who wanted to learn those signs and set out to do it. It leant so much to Sam, but it also made my heart leap.

S15E10 -

And this is not Destiel at all, but I am damn jealous that Jensen Ackles reportedly learned this whole thing in no time. I took lots of dance classes as a kid. I did musical theater. My brain can’t do that.

I mean, I can learn steps and perform them, but it takes me practicing all the time in my free time to get it. He’s just… effortless. Honey, you missed your calling as the natural heir to Fred Astaire’s career.

I mean, even just the way his body locks in as he turns to the lamp. The way he finishes it off atop the table?

I mean, I was always more of a Gene Kelly girl, m’self, but this was fucking beautiful. Well done, sir! My 7-year-old daughter loves watching this clip on repeat.

S15E11 -

Cas walks in to a note from Sam because Dean’s not gonna leave him a loving note. It’s gonna be Sam… adding that damn extra “s” to his name.

I mean, I head cannon that the whole reason Dean put him in his phone as “Cas” with the extra “s” was so he could chuckle at seeing “ass” every time Castiel called.

I mean, the dude is so immature he still pranks his brother when he laves the Bunker for any length of time. Dean had zero childhood, so he’s so incredibly stunted.

While the boys are out trying their luck, Castiel follows a case… a case that leads him to someone he thought dead—his son.

And I love the actress playing Fortuna. I’ve seen her elsewhere, and she’s just so damn good every time. One of those character actresses you get excited to see every time because you know whatever she’s doing, it’s gonna be good.

The boys get home, and it takes one look for Dean to know something’s up with Cas. He just doesn’t know which was it’s gonna go.

He presents Jack much the way Dean presented Castiel to Jack back in early Season 13. Jack isn’t sure how he’ll be received, but Sam hugs him, while Dean cups his face, looking upon him with fatherly affection, despite everything.

Dean looks to Cas, who looks back. Their boy is home.

“Jack, you ate their hearts?” “And you let him?” {Cas nods} {Dean takes it in}

It’s fascinating how Dean doesn’t question it once Cas is okay with it.

S15E12 -

“I created… the world.”

I’m so so sorry, but this was the shot they chose? I mean, this is the Winchester Brothers show, and I know it, and will rightfully call it out. But this was purposeful.

Because for some folks, Destiel is their whole world.

And there will never be a drip of judgment from me about that. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. Sometimes, television shows were the only things I had to get me from one day to the next—wrapping myself up in fantasy enough to survive my reality.

So, no judgment at all. But, wow someone made a choice with that shot and timing!

Later, Dean and Cas share an… intimate moment.

Alright, we gotta talk about how domestic Dean and Castiel are in this scene with their drinks and their casual posture and how relaxed they are with one another. I can’t remember them having a scene like this ever before.

So, of course it would be only a few episodes from the end.

But, listen, I’m not complaining! Getting to see Dean and Cas smiling together, drinking together, and for once not being burdened with the world and all the beings gunning for them is… nice.

All the drama has melted. No, things between them aren’t peaches and cream, but I don’t think we have ever seen them in a scene this… intimate.

Dean has his phone face-down next to him, the Universal Sign of wanting it close, but not wanting to have it face-up while spending time with someone you care about.

Y’all, I see why the official Supernatural YouTube account referred to this scene as a date. It totally is.

And it’s one of the rare glimpses of what a date could look like for them. We know they watch movies together, but we never see it. And to get to see this feels like a whisper of what might have been.

But it also feels like a promise of what may be once they both get to Heaven.

Oops! I’m skipping ahead, again.

“Well, here’s to being right.”

Okay, I’m sorry, but what is this shot?! I’m getting “clinking champagne at New Years minutes after we kissed” vibes from this shot. And look how our cuties are positioned! The table between them, and the seats angled slightly inward.

Reminds me of when they sat on benches next to one another—on opposite sides—forming Angel wings. Kinda doing it, again, here. But Cas is definitely turned in a little more towards Dean than Dean is towards Cas.

I think that’s indicative of where we are. Castiel knows he’s in love with Dean Winchester. Dean’s not quite there, yet.

He knows Cas is important to him. His best friend. Someone he can’t do without. But the specifics of what that means is a bit… muddles for him, still.

Doesn’t help that they rarely have time for moments like this because they’re always trying to save the world.

“And here’s to payback. Hmm. Come on. What, revenge doesn’t sound good to you?” “What sounds good to me is Jack fulfilling his destiny.” “Okay, yeah, but, icing on the cake. {Cas chuckles} I mean, Chuck wanted Cain and Abel and now we’re going all Biblical on him. Killed by his own grandson {Dean chuckles}. That sounds right to me.”

It’s all we get. Just a glimpse. But it’s such a lovely glimpse of another side of their relationship we rarely get to see.

I’ve talked a lot about how I adore the moments the Winchesters get to be siblings. I mean, I can tell you that my brother and I had very few of those growing up. He even called me Mom 2.0.

Sibling moments are precious, right? But for Dean and Cas, moments where they can just enjoy each other’s company are far too rare.

I’m thankful we got this one before the end.

“She loved her, Kaia. She’d do anything for a chance to save her… If we fail, She’d never recover., It’d kill her.”

I think part of why Castiel has such a good read on the situation is because it mirrors him and Dean. Without the other, they’re lost. It’s just the way it goes.

And, yes, I have thoughts on why that isn’t completely the case in 15x20, but I’ll get to that in a little bit. We’re almost there, loves.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m so so sorry. I’m betting the two of you I had for half of this has dwindled down to one. Thanks for sticking it out.

I wrote this for fun and to keep myself writing while my brain’s struggling to form original thought under the weight of too much else in my world. I hope it entertains you, some.

S15E13 -

"Before it was-” “Plundered by pirates.” “No.” “It was dug up by tomb raiders.”

Sometimes Dean’s the one rolling his eyes at Cas. Sometime’s Cas the one who looks like he wants to stab Dean. It’s all about finding the balance in relationships.

“Will he ever forgive me?, You know, Dean, he feels things more acutely than any human I’ve ever known.”

And you feel things more acutely than any Angel he’s ever known. No wonder you two found your way to one another.

“So, it’s possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode and let it all out, and breathe deeply and move on.” “How long will that take?" “I don’t know.”

I like that Castiel is honest with Jack. He knows his boyfriend better than anyone else, and it took a long ass time for Dean to verbalize his forgiveness of Cas and Cas wasn’t the one who actually did the deed.

“Cas, the Empty doesn’t exactly like you. Remember?” “Yeah, I do. But our deal? I’m far from happy, so I should be fine.”

I love his optimism. Also, he doesn’t yet know what it is that will let him be happy. Because he soaks in every second of love he receives from Dean, thinking those little bits are all Dean can give. All he’ll want to give.

“Guys. You’re back.” “Jack. What the hell?”

Dean immediately steps toward Cas in horror. He’s talking to Jack, but his eyes are locked on Cas.

“Why do they call this place the Empty? This place is full. It’s full of sorrow and despair playing over and over again, of angels and demons dreaming about their regrets. Forever.” “Yeah, I know.”

This just gutted me the first time around. Because, I don’t know if they were retconning, or if this was what they always intended. But turning the Empty into Superhell is genius and heartbreaking.

Because Castiel hasn’t told the others just how bad it is. So, the deal he made is even worse. Because when he experiences that moment of happiness where he gives himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester… Castiel won’t remember it.

As long as he’s in the Empty, he will never know he told Dean. He will never know that Dean didn’t reject him, but accepted his love, even if he couldn’t reciprocate in the moment. All of that. Gone.

Castiel knows this in S15E18 when he summons the Empty. He realizes he will never again know that feeling.

And so, as it tears him away from the man he loves, he’s content, savoring every second knowing that the moment he passes through to the other side, he won’t remember a damn thing. Nothing of light. Nothing of happiness.

He’ll only remember the things he did wrong. The failures that plague his self esteem. The regrets that eat at his heart. The shame that reminds him that romantic love is off limits for Angels—one of the ultimate sins.

“You got what you wanted. Now, what, you think you’re gonna just flit on home?” “Yes, because we have a deal.”

He believes the Empty will honor it. But the Empty's got an axe to grind and decides a little light torture is on the agenda.

“That’s way too many ’hopefullys’.” “Bring him back, now.”

As Jack feeds Cas his Grace back, we see Dean and Sam worrying.

“Come on, wake up, pal. … Come on, Cas. Come on. … Cas!”

The longer it takes for Castiel to return to him, the more frantic Dean gets. Worry sets in that this is going to be permanent, that he’s going to lose the Angel.

As Cas starts breathing again, the focus is on Dean, here. I mean, Sam is only in half the shot and out of focus. We see relief followed quickly by annoyance flit over his face. It’s so fast, the micro expressions, but Ackles rocks it.

“You made it back.” {Cas looks to Dean} “Yeah, and so did you. You’re an idiot, by the way.” “What if this hadn’t worked?” “But it did.” … “So, you saw Ruby.” “And I got the location. {struggles to stand} Am I still an idiot?” “Well, yeah.”

I love the way Cas narrows his eyes at Dean, almost as a challenge. And then the bloody head tilt that follows. You can feel how annoyed Cas is with Dean.

Golly, these two are so married.

But Dean doesn’t mind being the one in danger, right? He probably would’ve tried to stop Cas from doing the thing in the first place. And, yeah, they do some stupid-ass things without consulting each other, and this wasn’t the best.

At least it worked out this time, right!?

Can we talk about how hard I laughed watching Dean and Castiel argue over their son while poor Sam had to hold the door alone?! Um, guys!?

Like, seriously, two of you don’t need to help Jack with this. Surely one of you could go help Sam hold the damn door!

“No! Spit it out!”

Okay, Ackles, I don’t know if you were a dad by this point (I’m not creepy enough to look that kind of thing up… ick), but that delivery was so Dad. I mean, yes, the line lends itself to it. But Ackles’ voice slides up in a very paternal way.

I cackled.

And leaving Dean and Cas at the front of the church? What, are they getting married now? I mean, screw whatever, let them make it official, damnit!

Yeah, I know. I know. Not happening. But, someone’s got that fic on AO3, you know it!

“So, Jack’s back.” “Yeah, he is, but something’s different. … His soul is back.”

I love how Dean looks to Cas on this one, especially since Castiel was honest about something being different this time. And we get the shot of Dean looking to Cas, and the camera following.

I’ve missed our swoop shots.

S15E15 -

“Why don’t you and Cas go run it down just to be sure.” “Really?” “What?” “Yeah, you said you didn’t wanna sit around here after the whole Mrs. Butters thing-.” “Mrs. What’s?” “Just get out there, you know, stay busy.”

Dean’s making eyes at Castiel. No, not that way. Get your head out of the gutter. But, he’s trying to get Cas to see his point.

“With a murder investigation?” “Yeah.” “Sam?” {Cas looks for an out} “Dean’s not wrong.”

Damnit, Sam! Castiel really doesn’t wanna do this. But, off they go!

“It says I need a parent or guardian’s permission to join.” “You have my permission.”

Okay, this was absolutely adorable. And, Castiel knows exactly what he is to his boy. And, yes, I’m still pissed about the birthday cake. I thought of it as soon as this exchange happened.

“We’re all trapped. Sam. And Cas. And Jack. And even you.”

Again, that order of family for Dean. Sammy’s always got top spot. But right behind him is Castiel.

“I have more dads than most… and I always feel like I’m letting all of them down. … You’re just a scared little boy trying to make your daddies happy.”

Yes, Jack has three Dads and very different relationships with all of them. But, when Castiel brings a stray home, there’s a high chance Dean and Sam are going to connect with it and wordlessly help raise them.

I mean, seriously, it’s happened twice.

And, yes, I know there was some resistance from Dean at the beginning of both the Claire and Jack arcs, but once he committed, he committed.

“Don’t tell Sam and Dean.” “Oh, yeah, why not?” … “This is the only way they’ll ever forgive me.”

Jack tells Castiel the truth—that he has to die. And Cas’ first instinct is to bring the others in on it, because he’s done keeping secrets from the boys.

But, I think it’s fascinating that Jack is asking Cas to keep the secret much as Castiel asked Jack to keep the secret of the Deal with the Empty.

He really expects that Castiel will keep it quiet, but Cas has never been good at letting Cosmic things lie.

“I watched you die once, and I will not watch you do it, again.” “It’s not your choice.”

There it is. That’s the show. One of them chooses to die, and the others say, “Fuck that”. Congratulations, Jack, you’re officially part of the family.

“Cas? Hey, where’re you going? Where’s Jack?” “He’s in his room. We got back. We didn’t want to wake you up.” “Eh, I wasn’t asleep. How’d the case go?” “Oh, it went. Solved it. Saved some people. And Amara?” “Yeah. Yeah, we got her. I think she’s onboard.” “Good.”

It’s an easy-going conversation between the two. Like partners coming home after long days at work who want to catch each other up on what the other missed. There’s such a domesticity to this scene.

Truly, Cas and Dean are headed toward their nesting era. Too bad they never fully arrive.

ahem

No, I didn’t intend that double entendre. It wrote itself. And then, welp, I just had to let it be.

“Wait, what’s happening? Where are you going?” “I’m going to look for another way. I have to.” “What the hell are you talking about?”

Dean’s gotten so much better at reading Cas! Ugh, it hurts my heart knowing how close to the end we are. Just a few more episodes to enjoy them actually being this comfortable with one another.

It’s so much softer than it’s ever been between them. Oh, I selfishly long for more.

“Dean, in case something goes wrong and I don’t make it back, there’s something you and Sam, you need to know.”

Dean actually looks Cas up and down as Cas steps closer. He doesn’t know what’s coming, but he knows there’s a reason Castiel is stepping so close, and it ain’t to plant a kiss on his sweetheart’s lips.

S15E15 -

“And, And Cas just bailed, I guess. He didn’t say anything to you about why he left?” “Not really.” “And you guys didn’t get into a fight or something?”

This cracks me up. Again, the domesticity of the latter half of Season 15 is wild. Even the way Dean scoffs at the accusation. Like, Sam knows by now how badly you two bicker. Like a couple.

You’re so close to figuring that out yourself. But you never get the chance.

TEXT: Did you tell Sam, yet?

The first time I saw this, I said, “oooh!” aloud like a member of the studio audience. Dean’s keeping things from Sammy, again. Ruh-roh!

“Who’re you calling?” “I’m just trying Cas again.” “Hang it up.” “What?” “Hang up the phone.” “What’s going on?”

Dean decides to finally come clean. To tell his little brother the truth.

“So Billie just told you this while you were grabbing burgers?” “No. Cas did before we left. Before we even got the call about Travis.” “So, you’ve been sitting on this. What the hell, Dean? I thought we were past stuff like this…”

And, look, Dean keeping shit from Sammy this late in the game is as stupid as Cas keeping shit from Dean. These three need therapy and healthy coping mechanisms, stat!

But it’s also fascinating that Castiel entrusted Dean to tell Sam. Like, Cas could have called Sam, or woken him, but he knew neither would be the best case scenario. Even if it was Dean who suggested he tell Sam, Cas still trusted him with it.

Gosh, backend of Season 15 is so damn heartbreaking as a Heller.

Because they were right there on the cusp of finally figuring it out. Eleven years in each other’s orbit and finally falling into something almost gentle and trusting.

We needed them to repair what was broken so Castiel’s declaration has its full impact—so it fundamentally changes how Dean sees himself after years of believing his singular purpose is to kill and maim.

At the beginning of the season, Dean couldn’t so much as look at Castiel, let alone listen to him. The Writers had to start with Dean and Cas as far apart as they’ve ever been and bring them back together in a way we’d believe and accept.

Nearly losing the Angel again in Purgatory was a mighty fine way to push Dean to reconciliation. And since then, they’ve been comfortable, almost cozy.

S15E17 -

Look, Amara is an interesting character, but she’s more interesting when she’s not trying to become one with Dean. Wild that she ends up becoming one with Dean’s son, but that’s another topic entirely.

“When I found out about Chuck… it’s like, it’s like I wasn’t alive. Not really. You know, like my whole life I’ve never been free, like really free. But now, now me and Sam, we got a shot at living a life without all this crap on our backs. And that’s, that’s because of you. So, I, I, I wanted to say, I need to say thank you, Jack. Thank you.”

This is crazy insight and a lot of honesty from Dean. He really does feel like a puppet on a string, like nothing he ever did was his choice.

I have friends who believe everything is pre-determined. I’ve always hated that idea because if I’m going to agonize over decisions, I’d like it to be worth it, thank you very much.

And Dean wants to know his choices are his—good or bad, win or lose.

It strikes me that as Sam explains what happens to the people from the other worlds, Eileen, to all of them, Dean looks to Cas for confirmation. In this moment, Castiel has none, but I find it fascinating that as Dean is wrestling with this, he hopes the Angel has clarification.

“I’d trade them all in a heartbeat.” “What about me? Would you trade me?”

As soon as Sam forces Dean to look at the issue another way, he looks to Castiel, again. I don’t know what he’s looking for this time. But he looks, still.

Throughout this scene, he’s looking for Cas. Maybe he wants Cas to back him up. But he won’t. Maybe he wants Cas to talk him out of it. But he can’t.

There are times that only Sam can get through, and Cas knows Dean well enough, now, to understand that.

“My entire life, you’ve protected me. {Dean looks back to Cas, again} From Dad, from Lucifer, from everything.”

Sam tries to get through, and damnit it will always be tough to get through to Angry Dean. But nobody can do this better than Sammy.

“We came to an understanding, so spare me your contempt, Castiel, the self-hating angel of Thursday. You know what every other version of you did after 'gripping him tight and raising him from perdition'? They did what they were told. But not you. Not the 'one off the line with a crack in his chassis’.”

This is one of the most fascinating things. I mean, we’ve always heard the other Angels talk about how something was off about Castiel. And we know these Winchesters are different from any other version of the Winchesters.

And it’s easy to think, “Oh, Castiel is only the way he is because he met Dean”.

But, in every other version of the story, Castiel met Dean, raised him from Perdition, and followed the script. He did his job. Because our Castiel is as different as our Sam and Dean.

My Destiel heart leaps at that knowledge.

This Dean and this Cas found one another. Two versions of themselves that were both different enough that their interactions changed one another, that they fundamentally altered one another’s course, that they came together again, and again, and again.

Yes, the trope of “you and me in every universe” is damn beautiful.

But there’s also something hauntingly beautiful about the concept of finding one another only as not an accident of fate, but as a defiance of fate.

No, they might not be throwing trench coats and flannel on the floor in fits of passion. But choosing each other is still a defiant act of love—one that they do repeatedly.

I mean, the one time Chuck is like, “nah, fuck it, I’m leaving Castiel dead”, the little minx annoyed a Cosmic being so much it spat him out like gristle.

They may not find each other in every reality, but they will always find one another in this one.

“All of you. You know I tried and I tried, and I tried, but you’re all just too stupid. Too stubborn. Too broken. You know what, I’m over it. I’m over you.”

"Stubborn" is definitely to Cas, and the way Sam reacts to “stupid” makes me think that one’s his. And “broken” is Dean’s. These three were interesting and entertaining until they started openly defying him.

Can’t get the ending he wants, so he tries to force it out of them. I mean, he already killed Jack once, so why not try, again, right?

Also, showing the Dad’s here around their boy. Framing is everything. Castiel on one shoulder. Dean on the other. Sam supporting from behind. Yeah, this is their entire family dynamic in one image.

Damn, I love DPs.

S15E18 -

“We don’t care about you because you’re useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you’re you.”

Castiel can speak to this particular fear in a way nobody else can. He’s experienced this particular fear many times—that without his powers, he’s useless to the others. That he’s a burden. That he’s a drain.

But once Dean forgives him, prays to him, cries for him in Purgatory, that heals something in Castiel, I think. I think he finally stops doubting his place in this world.

This is what Castiel needed to hear time and time again. And now he’s trying to pass that knowledge and understanding onto his boy.

“You know, God, the Empty, everyone’s so mad at us and I don’t have my powers. There’s nothing I can do to protect us. I’m scared, Cas.” “I know. Me, too.”

As a mother, I understand the value of talking to children clearly and honestly, even when it means sharing in their fears. He’s such a good dad.

“I’ll go with you, Dean.” “Alright. … Let’s go, Cas. Let’s go reap a reaper.”

The last “I’ll go with you” there ever was. There were times Dean said no, times he said yes. But this was the last yes. The last trip. The last time.

They won’t know, now, that this is their last drive together. That whatever song they might listen to on the way is the last song they’ll hear together. They don’t know the words spoken here will play over and over like a well-worn Casette.

They don’t know they’re walking into Death’s grip.

When Billie grabs Dean’s heart, Castiel grabs Dean. He grips him tight.

And the first time I wrote that, I flashed back to the beginning, to Perdition, to Castiel gripping him tight and pulling him out of there. This time, he’s pulling him from Death.

Castiel has always seen himself as the Winchester’s protectors. Later, their friend, and later, still, part of the family. He will always do whatever it takes to protect Dean Winchester.

And as they walk down the hall, Castiel half-carrying Dean, Cas said, “I’ve got you”. It’s a statement. It’s a promise. It’s all he’s ever wanted—to save Dean Winchester.

Castiel closes the door on the room and reaches for Dean’s pocket knife in the human’s back pocket. He always knows where Dean’s stuff is, so it doesn’t read as weird at all.

He cuts his hand and brings the ward to life in his blood. It gives Dean enough room to breathe, and you can see how Castiel breathes more easily seeing Dean straighten.

“I just led us into another trap. All because I, I couldn’t hurt Chuck. Because I was angry and I just needed something to kill and because that’s all I know how to do.”

This is how Dean Winchester sees himself. A killer. Angry. He states it without making a big deal of it, without it coming off as self-pity. No, this is grief. This is heartache.

“Why am I this way?” he must wonder, wishing he could be something else, anything else. Because as far as he knows, this is all there is to him.

He’s put the chair between himself and Castiel. He feels tortured and trapped.

“We never should’ve left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now. Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it.”

Billie pounds on the door, and Dean’s eyes snap up as a realization hits him—that door can’t hold forever.

“She’s gonna get through that door.” “I know.” “And she’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me. I’m sorry.”

First, he has to watch his best friend die. He has to suffer through that. He has to watch as Billie destroys him. Then, she’ll destroy him. And Dean’s wrestling with the belief that this is his fault.

“Why am I so angry? Why am I so stubborn? Why do I have to kill everything—even the things I love?”

But while he’s blaming himself, Castiel is thinking about what happens when he dies, where he goes when he dies. And he realizes that if he’s going there, anyway, why not make it matter.

But… how?

How the hell does he bring on that moment of happiness? Is it possible?

Something strikes him—his earlier conversation with Jack. He told Jack it wasn’t about his powers or abilities. It was about him. That was enough. Being is enough.

“Wait, there is… there’s one thing she’s afraid of. There’s, there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”

Dean looks to Cas, curious what he’s thought of, what just might save their asses.

“When Jack was dying, I, I made a deal to save him.” “You what?” “The, the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

You can see the wheels turning as Dean tries to connect the dots, here. Like, buddy, you said you had a solution for our problem. How does this solve anything?

“Why are you telling me this, now?” “I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know, I think I know, now, happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in just saying it.”

He finally has a handle on it, how he will accomplish the goal he’s had since the moment he first laid hands on the man—save Dean Winchester.

Before the words “I want” are out, he’s committed. He knows that he’s going to die. He knows he’s given himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester. To defy God and all the Angels who told him it wasn’t for him.

Because, damnit, these are the Dean and Castiel that make their own choices.

Loving Dean isn’t a choice, to be clear. But giving himself permission to feel it, to channel it, to experience it, to say it without shame or fear—that’s the choice. And he’s made it.

Now, it’s only a matter of time—something they never have enough of.

“What are you talking about, man?”

Dean has used this line before when exasperated with Cas. It comes out easily, but as Castiel steps closer, Dean gives him a once over, similar to the one he gave when Cas stepped closer to him to tell him the truth about Jack having to die.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re daddy’s blunt instrument. You think that hate and anger, that’s, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not.”

Castiel’s voice is breaking. He’s building up to it, getting closer to it, letting himself say it. Not just those three magic words, but to tell Dean the Dean he sees.

I mean, if the pages I saw were real, the damn script reads “Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.” Holy hell, y’all! Can you imagine having someone see you as beautiful after all you’ve done and all you’ve been through?

Because Castiel knows all of Dean’s sins, better than almost anyone. And he loves him all the same.

On “Daddy’s blunt instrument” you can see how exposed Dean feels. He’s never liked when Castiel looked within him and saw things he wanted unseen. But that’s not where this story is going, Dean. That’s not where this ends.

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raise your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Dean’s lips are parted. He’s in shock and so confused. At the end of this bit, he looks down, trying to piece together what is happening, to figure out where this is leading. His lip starts to quiver as Castiel continues, drawing his eyes back to the Angel.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being that I will ever know.”

Cas is smiling through this, the joy filling him. Can you imagine that unlocking of emotions for an Angel who has lived eons without understanding of humanity, without love?

And in just 11 short years, barely a blink to this being, everything changed.

He met a man who challenged him, who frustrated him, who encouraged him to reach for better, and helped him become something more than what Chuck intended.

One of my favorite children’s stories is probably one most people hate—The Velveteen Rabbit. But as someone who’s seen some shit, I love the idea that something worn down and ragged and loved becomes real.

For all the times people talked down about Castiel’s battered trench coat, about his weakness for humanity, about his compassion as a problem… they didn’t realize that all of this all of this makes him more “real” than they could ever be.

Castiel doesn’t love like an Angel, anymore, blind devotion and adulation. His love is human. It’s messy and challenging and real.

On the reverse shot, Dean swallows hard. He doesn’t understand the emotions he’s feeling, or why Castiel has chosen now to do all this. But the moment Castiel turned the attention to him, to Dean, the human can’t speak.

He’s listening. Because nobody has ever spoken to Dean Winchester like this. No one has ever seen him like this. Because nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like this.

“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.”

The single tear trickles down. He smiles between sentences. Every sentence is laced in love, so thick and layered that it affixes itself to Dean without the human even realizing. Every sentence, every word, a bandaid on a badly battered heart, mending it one syllable at a time.

Dean’s expression here is the one that kills me. He’s swallowing his emotions down. He’s not sure of them, no, but what Castiel is saying is touching on his insecurities and fears in ways no one ever has.

Instead of affirming them, Castiel is contradicting them, trying to show Dean the Dean Winchester he sees. The man he loves.

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you.”

You can see Dean’s expression shift. Once, when Castiel was near death from the poisoned spear, his speech went a similar way. He’s got a handle on this, now.

His lips are still parted, tears in those green eyes, searching Castiel’s as he tries to root himself. His breathing is uneven. Just look at his Adam’s apple. He’s trying to stay still when everything in him his shaking.

Dean Winchester is shaken.

“You changed me, Dean.” “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” “Because it is.”

Deans lips part further as his head cocks to the side. His breath catches. Watch his mouth. It literally catches. Because he knows what comes out next is goodbye. He doesn’t know what that goodbye is, but this is it.

Because much as he hated them dying here together, he would hate even more to live while those he loves dies.

“I love you.”

It’s honest. It’s earnest. And Dean doesn’t need Castiel to clarify.

He’s listened to the whole speech, each word coated in that love. This is not a brotherly love, but the love of a partner—someone who can see you clearly when you can’t see yourself.

Someone to call you on your shit. To encourage you when you’re fearful, to help you when you’re weak, to support you when you struggle.

Someone to share drinks with, favorite songs, movies, and stories. Someone who makes this whole damn “life” thing feel a little bit easier.

And what can Dean say?

If the script I saw is real, it said “Dean can’t reciprocate” and while I can roll with it, I do think there’s more to it than that from the perspective of what’s on the screen in the rest of this episode and the episodes to come.

Because Dean Winchester doesn’t process emotions quickly. He barely processes them at all. He mostly processes them too late and long after the time to speak has passed.

Dean’s still catching up to how this is all connected—a moment of true happiness. The Empty. Everything is happening so damn fast.

My abuella got really sick the day before Thanksgiving one year. My Dad took her to the Emergency Room. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer within days. And two weeks from that ER visit, she passed. Everything happened too quickly.

Processing took us all a long time. At least, I know it did for me and Dad, who were there almost every moment.

Some things take time to understand. And I don’t think Dean has ever looked at his relationship with Castiel in that light, never examined the possibilities, never even thought the Angel could love him romantically.

Because love is for humans, right?

I mean, it’s strange enough that Castiel loves the Winchesters as family, that he loves Jack. So, I don’t think Dean Winchester of this moment can reciprocate because Castiel’s known about his love for Dean for at least a year. Dean’s had a moment.

Castiel smiles, unburdened. The fear and self-hate drains away a bit. Because, he believed wholly that Dean could never love him back. And he can see from Dean’s expression and seeing through him that he hasn’t rejected him or cast him off because of that love.

Even if in that moment the love isn’t reciprocated, it’s understood. It’s received. It’s accepted.

And, Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, saves Dean Winchester one more time.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

But it’s done, Dean. It’s done. He’s leaving you. He’s taking Billie away and giving you a chance to live, damnit.

Castiel shakes his head slightly. “It’s done, love” his movement says.

Dean hears the sound of the Empty behind him, and his head whips around to the wall. This is when it sets in for him, when he realizes just how little time they have.

There are tears in his eyes, hot tears. His lip quivers. He’s heartbroken. He’s trying to figure out what to say to Castiel, how to organize his thoughts, what does he feel in light of this new information?

But there’s no time. Never enough time. Everything he should have said left unsaid. He’s out of time.

He turns back to Castiel, still looking intently upon him with so much love, so much joy that it radiates off of him, in spite of everything.

Dean tries to stammer out something, but Castiel steps forward, gripping Dean’s shoulder one more time.

“Goodbye Dean.”

And Dean can barely process the phrase before Castiel throws him to the wall, out of the Empty’s aim.

As Dean pushes up to look at Castiel from his spot on the floor, his Angel is looking down at him. One last look of love, a half laugh bubbling out of him.

It’s the end, and yet he’s never felt so… free. He’s free. For all of thirty seconds this poor Angel is free.

But, it’s the best moment of his life because he saved the human he loved by loving him.

Dean has tears in his eyes. They glisten with them. His mouth opens and closes with words he can’t summon.

There’s added breathing here that drives me mad because Ackles acts with his breathing. It’s something I picked up on very quickly. Dean will hold his breath or gasp as part of the character.

And that final gasp when Castiel is gone… it aches.

The family song plays—the last time it will play for Castiel—as the Empty takes the tear-streaked Angel away.

After the commercial break, Dean sits alone in the bunker. All that’s left of Castiel is the handprint in blood on his coat. It covers the shoulder Castiel gripped when he pulled Dean out of Hell.

First touch. Last touch.

Wow, Dean actually did get touched by an Angel.

But what strikes me about this final scene of an episode entitled Despair is the silence. There is no added music to ease us through this—because we aren’t meant to feel comfort. This is despair.

Dean hasn’t moved from the floor, save to pull the phone from his pocket. The phone is ringing, but he can’t bring himself to talk. He can’t talk to Sam. He couldn’t talk to Cas.

He lost the time to say the things he should have said… He won’t talk to a soul for hours as he drives to meet Sam.

The only sound in this final shot besides the phone buzzing on the floor is Dean’s soft sobs as he holds his head in his hands. It’s such a brazen choice, reminding us not only of the quiet of the world, but the loneliness for Dean.

Dean talks so many times about how things would hit him and he could shake them off later. But with Cas, he’s always struggled to shake it off—the good and the bad.

And now, instead of answering the call from his brother, the most important person in his world, he drops the phone, lets it ring, and holds his head in his hands while he sobs.

His mourning for Cas is bigger, in this moment, than anything else.

Because he didn’t understand. Now he does.

Dean knew Cas loved him, but I don’t think he ever considered Cas was in love with him. Yes, I know this is a very controversial thing to say, but that’s how I see it.

When I look at Dean sitting there, I see a man who is just starting to grapple with what he lost. Because, in canon, Dean always realizes what Cas means to him after he loses him.

Every time Cas comes back, Dean is more open with him, more honest with him, more affectionate with him, more caring with him. Hell, even after the Divorce Arc there was something gentler and more caring about his relationship with Cas.

Dean sometimes needs that jolt of loss to help propel him forward emotionally. It’s a part of his character that we can see very clearly throughout the series.

He’s one of the most emotionally stunted guys out there, but every time he loses Cas, he falls a little deeper for him. And I don’t think romantic love ever crossed Dean’s mind because he’s wrapped himself in a dynamic where he doesn’t think he needs romantic love at all.

Dean Winchester puts everything in his life into emotional silos and boxes. He has a very black-and-white view of himself and the world around him when we first meet him.

He’s a hunter. He’s a killer. Monsters are bad. Etc.

But anyone watching the show knows there are layers to Dean far beyond what he can see, right? We know that he isn’t any one thing and that most of his worst views of himself are self-imposed by trauma and fear.

And when it comes to relationships, Dean has only a few settings: Friend, Family, Fling, Committed Romantic/Sexual Partner.

Cas long moved out of the “Friend” category, with Dean already calling them Family early on. But once he was nestled in that box, Dean tried to keep him there. He occasionally dipped into “Best Friend”, which was a big move, especially for him.

Dean has never seen Cas show physical affection to a man. He’s only seen Castiel with Meg, knows he had sex with April, and when he was brainwashed, he married a woman. (Side note: What happened to that poor girl!?)

It would never cross his mind that Cas was romantically attracted to him. Hell, not even attracted, invested. Castiel has been doting on Dean for so long, but Dean couldn’t recognize it as such.

Dean doesn’t know what romantic love without sex looks like. Now, this isn’t to say that sex couldn’t be on the table for these two down the line. Only, that Dean doesn’t realize he’s spent years in a panromantic asexual partnership without realizing it.

Until now.

Everything they’ve shared—especially the last few years—is suddenly under a different lens. He didn’t know.

And what might he have done if he’d known before? Would it have changed anything? Would he have done things differently? If he’d understood what he’d had, might have reached out more?

These are all the things rolling around in his head as he now has to grapple not only with the loss of Castiel as his best friend, but the loss of Castiel as the potential love of his life.

Yes, I mean that.

Nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like Castiel did. And nobody has ever changed Dean like Castiel.

Those final moments of loss are gut-wrenching, and much as the show allowed us to sit with Dean in the moments when Castiel was stabbed and Dean had to prep his body for burning, we’re allowed to sit with Dean in his pain, now.

Because the cord of connection that so tightly bound them has been severed, snapped in half by a darker, gelatinous, thread of darkness.

But the remnants of that cord wrap themselves tight around Dean’s heart, stitched together with Castiel’s final words of love to form a shield that nobody else ever gave Dean, something he certainly couldn’t give himself.

Yes, he’s mourning. He’s heartbroken. But, he accepted Castiel’s love. We know in the moment he couldn’t reciprocate (per the script), but I think that’s only because he had zero time to consider how he felt. He was so gobsmacked by the words coming out of his best friend’s mouth that there was no time to process.

We know that Collins was approached before Season 15 with the idea for Cas’ demise. He knew that he was playing Cas as in love with Dean, without wiggle room, for the entirety of that season.

But Castiel says he’s been wondering ever since he made the deal what his moment of happiness would look like. Collins might not have known, but Castiel knew then that he was in love with Dean.

So, Cas has had at least a year to understand and explore his romantic attachment to Dean. Dean has less than a minute before Cas is gone.

And the camera stays with him. We stay with him.

His eyes are filled with tears as he tries to absorb what just happened. They were running. They were gonna die. Cas made the sacrificial play, but he did so by releasing his fear and openly loving Dean.

Everything changed in a matter of minutes. Everything.

He weeps for Cas. He weeps for what he’s lost. He weeps for what might have been if he’d only known.

Now he knows. And that is a part of him for the rest of his (short-lived) life.

S15E19 -

“Where’s Cas?”

They haven’t spoken, Dean and the others. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to speak without sobbing, so he texted them. They picked a rendezvous. And they drove.

On this drive, Dean’s still processing everything. He’s taking in the horrors of the world around him while still struggling with a very personal loss. He bears the bloody mark on his shoulder of Cas’ hand, carrying him with him.

“Dean?” “He saved me. Billie was coming after us, and Cas summoned the Empty. It took her. And it took him. Cas is gone.”

Dean is very clinical in his explanation. I mean, kudos for Dean knowing well enough not to out someone, but it’s also too damn personal. He’s not going to share the details with the others.

But Jack knew the specifics of the deal. And this is always something that has fascinated me—Jack says nothing. He doesn’t tell Dean that he was aware of the deal, that he knows it involved Cas’ happiness.

I’m sure he wonders. But part of me wonders if he knew. Ya know? Did he know his Dad was in love with his other Dad all along? And that other Dad would’ve realized he was in love with his Dad if he’d considered the option?

Too many Dads in this paragraph. And I say that as someone with three Dads myself!

“Jack, I’m sorry.”

Because Cas was his first Dad. His chosen Dad. But Castiel made that deal to save his son. And he fulfilled that deal by proclaiming his love to his beloved. They’re all family.

“But first, you gotta put things back the way they were. The people. The birds. Cas. {points} You gotta bring him back.”

It’s the only thing he asks for for himself. It’s the only thing that’s personal, that’s specific, that he can’t stop himself from demanding.

And this is wild because he’s offering to let Sam kill him if that means Cas gets to come back.

It ties nicely back to Sam’s theory that Dean’s all for the sacrifice play if he's the one to make it. That Dean doesn’t want to hurt. And, oy, this man is hurting.

“Cas?, Dean, I’m here. I’m hurt. Can you let me in?”

This aches more than it should. Because, Lucifer isn’t a shapeshifter, remember? Chuck was the one to make the call to get them to open the door. Chuck used Castiel’s voice against Dean.

Because there’s nothing more in the world that Dean wants for himself than to talk to Cas.

Yes, Dean wants to save the world. But that’s not for him. That’s because he sees an issue in the world and thinks it’s his responsibility. He wants to give every day people lives without fear. He’ll take on the nightmares and the anguish if it means they get to live.

But if he were selfish, here, besides Sammy, the one person he needs most in this world is Cas—and for a second, he had hope. And he lost that hope just as quickly.

And for the fans, oh, this hurts. Because the last time we hear Castiel’s voice, it isn’t even Cas. It’s a fictitious moment of hope that slices through us all. And, I get it, this show feels like a tragedy most of the time. But it still aches.

“To die at the hands of Sam Winchester… of Dean Winchester, the ultimate killer… It’s kind of glorious.” “Sorry, Chuck.” “What. What?” “See, that’s not who I am. That’s not who we are.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. You’re telling me that in the last ten minutes of the last episode, Dean Winchester is still all “I needed something to kill because that’s all I know how to do” and now he’s all “That’s not who I am”?

Hmmmm. I wonder what might’ve changed his mind. Or, rather, his heart.

This is Castiel’s love at work in him. Yes, Cas isn’t there for this showdown with Chuck, but Dean’s carrying his Angel with him. Because Dean believed Cas when the Angel told him who he was.

Love changes us. It does.

And Dean’s going to be sitting with the knowledge of what was, what wasn’t, and what could’ve been with Castiel for a while. But he’s already allowed that love into him. He accepted it. He internalized it. He let it change him.

It’s a part of him, now. Castiel’s love.

And, in time, I think he’ll look back at the years and their relationship and perhaps forget the labels and the boxes and realize he just loved Cas. He did. He loved him in a way he’d never loved anyone else.

Everyone in Heaven and Hell knew it. Sam knew it. Jack knew it. Honestly, I bet Rowena and Crowley were taking bets on whether Dean would ever figure it out. Sam bet against Dean, naturally, because Dean just couldn’t see it.

But Dean’s eyes have been opened to Castiel’s love, and I think that’s the gateway to him examining his own heart in a way that’s at first uncomfortable, but later freeing.

Love can look different, Dean. It doesn’t have to be one way or one path.

I mean, I was raised in the Purity Movement, for goodness sake. First love, courtship, engagement, marriage, and then you’re a vessel for your husband’s pleasure if you’re a woman. That’s the pathway. That’s all I had in my head for far too long.

Dean’s path-to-love is more “Panties down, Penis up, Fall in Love Later”, but it’s still a path that seems set, to him.

Castiel couldn’t have been further outside his understanding if he’d tried. An antagonist whose white hot loyalty affixed to Dean before morphing into the steady blue fire of enduring love and devotion. It snuck up on Dean.

But he started making exceptions for Cas. He started doing things for Cas he wouldn’t do for anyone else. He started thinking of Cas all the time, even when he wasn’t there. He wanted to drink with Cas and laugh with Cas. He wanted to be with him.

He just didn’t know that was love.

At the end, we see the table… MW is there for Mary, and Jack and Castiel. I don’t know why they chose to put his whole name and not “Cas”, but they did. And they’re all there, together, until they can be reunited in Heaven.

They left their mark on that table—and on each other.

S15E20 -

“I’m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here.” “Yeah. Yeah, no, I think about ‘em, too. You know what, that pain’s not going away. Right? But if we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.”

I’m sorry, where is “nobody left behind”? God pulled Lucifer out of the Empty, so why not ask Jack to get Cas? I mean, come on, Dean!

And, yes, I know how it ends. But this really bothered me the first time I watched, when I had no clue how this episode ended.

Yes, Rachel was somehow sheltered enough by the internet she knew about the rusty nail in the barn, but that was about it.

I don’t want to get into the whole death scene, except to say that I’m so glad Dean doesn’t waste his moments with his brother. He asks Sam for a minute to gather his thoughts, and then he tells his baby brother that he’s proud of him. That he looks up to him. They needed this.

Look, I’m a Destiel shipper, but the heart of this show has always been those Winchester boys. And maybe Dean learned not to waste what time he gets to say goodbye from losing Cas, and tough as that is, this is the core of who Dean is and always has been—Sammy’s big brother.

You can’t have Destiel without Dean and Castiel. And you can’t have Dean without all of who he is, and a big part of his identity is wrapped up in Sam. That’s just how it is.

And the fact that with his dying breaths he told Sam, “I love you so much” is important. He needed to say it.

Look, Dean is my second-favorite character of the show, and probably not the first only because we are too alike. I look at Dean and I see a lot of myself. We’re both so fucking broken and have the capacity to bring others so much pain if we choose to.

But at our core we want to do more. We want to do some good in this world before it burns down, and we understand that our lives will sometimes suck a little more and that’s okay because someone out there doesn’t have to feel this pain, doesn’t have to fight this fight.

I mean, I get it. I was my brother’s caretaker, too. I was 3.5 years older, but that gap felt so huge when we were tiny and I just wanted to save him from the world.

I won’t get into my childhood. This is the internet, after all. But I have a lot of generational, co-dependent parental bullshit in there, too. My brother was more like Sammy—it slid off him like water and he made his own way. I was the one to stay close to home in too many ways for far too long. It wasn’t until my 30’s that I learned how to live a better life and break free.

So, while I have my personal opinions on this whole episode—like we all do—I’m glad Dean didn’t waste his final moments with Sammy. I’m glad he told him all he needed to tell him. And I’m glad that when he gets topside, he’s had that moment of growth and development independent of Cas.

He and Cas are a whole separate thing. And that’s okay. That’s good.

“That kid of yours, before he went, wherever, made some changes here.”

“That kid of yours”!? Are you kidding me!? Yes, we all know that Castiel was Jack’s chosen father, which means Dean co-parents by default. But it is fucking adorable that Bobby is fully aware of that fact. Like, yes, Destiel has a kid. Two, actually!

“It ain’t just heaven, Dean. It’s the heaven you deserve. And we’ve been waiting for you.” “So, Jack did all that.” “Well, Cas helped.”

Bobby put that emphasis on “Cas” there because he knew how it would land. Look, Bobby wasn’t around to see everything that would happen between these two, but Heaven’s gotta have gossip and everyone topside knew just what those two meant to one another.

And if Bobby knows about “that kid of yours” he probably knows about a lot more to which he wasn’t privy.

Also, I see you with those raised eyebrows, Bobby. There’s a touch of, “Yeah, I know you’re gonna get Touched by an Angel real soon, son” to it.

Dean breathes out a chuckle as he takes that in, and his breath kills me, here. Jensen Ackles uses breathing as part of his performance.

I don’t know if he realizes he does, but it’s part of what I love and hate about Cas’ exit in S15E18. It feels like they ADR’d some breathing in there that wasn’t a part of the performance.

Because what undoes you right before the fade to black in that scene is Dean’s gasp as he registers what the fuck just happened. That Billie is gone, but so is Cas. Forever.

Tie that gasp of despair to this sigh of relief and it’ll make you feel things, my friends.

There’s so much about this that aches since we don’t get to actually see Castiel in the series finale. I don’t know what the logic around COVID protocols or whatnot were that lead to that decision, but it aches. It feels unfinished. It’s that bugbite we’ll scratch and scratch but never relief its itching.

But I can’t comment on what isn’t or could have been… only what is. And in this version of the story, Castiel has stayed topside since Jack rescued him from the Empty, no doubt exchanging to grant the Empty sleep and rest in exchange for the Angel.

And Castiel has to stay topside because Jack wants to be a hands-off God and not intervene. That means no Angels tangled up in the affairs of humanity, right?

Cas not being there to greet Dean is tough. Next to Sam and Bobby, Cas is his family. And Cas isn’t here. It’s an omission that aches, but it is what it is, for whatever reason.

“It’s a big, new world out there. You’ll see.”

Dean acknowledges Bobby, but then his thoughts go back to Cas—he’s looking at the same spot, which is such a fun little actor thing. Yup. Big new world, indeed.

I mean, look at the way he kind of shakes his head in disbelief. He’s going to see his Angel, again.

“It’s almost perfect.”

He misses Sammy. Of course he does. But I love that the only thing he’s missing is Sammy… because everyone else he loves—Cas included—is here.

Why didn’t Dean run off to see Cas? Well, for one, this isn’t the Destiel show. Yes, I know, I’m no longer allowed in the club. But, that’s okay.

But, the other reason is time. Dean ran out of time to tell Cas how he felt, to even process how he felt in light of what Cas declared. Because while Dean knew Cas had a soft spot for him all this time, Dean can’t see into Cas the way the Angel sees into him. But in a way, that, too, is a gift.

Because while they have all the time in history, now, to say what needs to be said—no words will ever be needed. Because the moment Dean finds his way to Cas up there and their eyes meet, Cas will know everything he needs to know.

When he looks into Dean’s eyes, he’ll see something he never could have dreamt he’d see—love reflected back to him. And everyone else already knows.

Mary clocked it the moment she saw her adult son hugging his “Friend”. Heaven and Hell have known for ages. It was just Dean playing catchup, the way he sometimes did.

In so many ways, he was often the first to deduce something, the first to know. But emotions and feelings have always been more elusive for him, more easily embraced by his brother.

What is love but to see and be seen? Dean simply couldn't see it until it was too late., until Cas was gone.

That's been his pattern—realizing each time how much Cas means to him when he loses him. And each time it's a deeper ache, a more profound pain. Because in the time between leavings they've grown together through adversity, but also levity. They embrace the moments of life together.

Cas drinks with Dean despite his inability to taste like a human (see peanut butter) and how little effect it has on him (see his bender encompassing an entire liquor store).

Because Dean and Cas are so similar, sometimes. They're both so damn self-destructive if it means saving others. (And now I have “We are so similar. We’re both so stubborn” from Pride & Prejudice playing on repeat in my head). Neither realizes what they mean to anyone else until that blink before the end—between eyes opening and closing before the door shatters inward or the world tilts toward destruction.

That's part of why their story is so compelling. In all the universes, it was this Cas and this Dean who saved the world. Literally, Cas' love for Dean saved him not only physically, but emotionally.

The world scratched at Dean all his life, leaving his self esteem and self worth in tatters, medicated by drink and drive to destroy monsters because dwelling amongst humanity was too hard for Dean. Cas' love healed that wound in a way nobody could have suspected, even Chuck.

Because as Dean sat on the floor ignoring his brother's phone call, he buried his head in his hands and he wept. He lost his best friend. He lost someone who loved him completely, without condition, in spite of the bad choices he'd made and all the wrong calls that literally led to Cas's declaration and the wall opening to suck him away.

But if Castiel, Angel of Heaven, could see Dean at his worst over and over, again, and declare with full heart—that's not who you are. This is who you are… maybe, just maybe Dean could believe it, too.

My husband and I have these check-in moments in our life—where we need the other to say the comforting thing to help us believe it. It's not that we're incapable of arriving at that conclusion on our own, but more that we need the affirmation from the one who knows and loves us best. Stripped of his fear, Cas freely gave all of himself to Dean. And it changed Dean forever.

Because Dean has always loved Cas differently.

The formative moments of trust that bubbled between them, where for so long it was clear Cas’ affections for Dean were so much stronger than anything he’d ever felt. “Too much heart has always been Castiel’s problem”, indeed.

Because while he could stuff those emotions down enough to follow the prophetic plan in the past, Dean Winchester proved too potent a tonic for the company koolaid.

In every other version of the story, Castiel does what he was told. But not our Cas. No, he fell in love. He fell in love with a Dean Winchester who carved out his own fate in spite of the story chosen for him.

And that’s what’s so powerful about Dean and Cas’ love story—Chuck didn’t write it. They did.

Amidst all their questions about free will and choice, Dean and Castiel chose one another again, and again, and again. Their love story is their own.

As I reflect on the end of the series and the possibilities of reunion in Heaven, here’s what I know:

Castiel loves Dean Winchester. Not the white-hot devotion of Angelic allegiance, but in a very human manner. He sees and understands Dean’s faults—and he loves him anyway. He will always love him.

Dean Winchester loves Castiel in a way he’s never loved anyone else. He didn’t realize this, of course, until Cas spoke the words that forced him to re-evaluate everything. His love for Castiel doesn’t fit into any box, and it transcends labels. It’s theirs and that’s what matters.

When they do reunite, where they go next is entirely up to them. But I tell you this—one look at Dean, and Castiel will see what Dean realized in his absence—it’ll always be them. They will always be them. And they’ll write the next chapters of their story together.

And, yes, I know there’s a bit of Dean in The Winchesters where our dear Hunter just can’t sit still. Even goes so far as being willing to be cast out of Heaven. Never would expect him to sit still for long, would we?

Honestly, folks who say there’s no reason for a reunion, I think it’s one of those cases where Dean’s so damn stubborn he’d want to come back down

This was—by far—the longest continuous Meta I have ever written. I mean, there was a lot of material. But, also, I have to give credit to the fans who stuck it out despite everyone telling them they were crazy.

And however you see these two—asexual, bisexual, biromantic, demiromantic, pansexual, etc—that’s awesome, too! I think we all see a bit of ourselves in these two because queer love is just awesome—whether or not it has labels.

In the end, Dean and Castiel’s love for one another was a rebellion—rebellion against Chuck, against heteronormativity, against a world that tries to put us in boxes and force us to fulfill roles.

Neither Dean or Cas was ever any good at staying in their lanes, coloring inside the lines, doing as they were told. Instead, they sought what was good and right along a better way. No, they didn’t always get it right—but falling is part of the journey. Falling is part of free will.

Yes, Dean and Castiel loved as a rebellion, not because they chose rebellion, but because they chose each other.

Thanks for reading, loves. No, go out and make the world better just by being your beautiful self.

[angelinthefire]

There is a “would Dean kill Cas to save Sam” poll going round I think you’d find interesting and which compelled me to unleash thoughts at you. I often wonder why fandom (both hellers and bronlies) ignores the fascinating examples in canon where Dean’s “Sam before anything else” ideology is threatened by Castiel. the BEST example of this is when Cas premeditatedly and with full agency breaks Sam’s wall as collateral damage — and Dean forgives him in the blink of an eye! If that were anyone else who’d done that to Sam they would be a dead man. Yes Dean was mad about it, yet the next season (BEFORE Cas redeems himself by taking on Sam’s hell trauma) Dean literally tells Cas “you were doing the best you could” (girl…).

Other key examples: Dean staying in Purgatory for an additional year to find Cas (rather than prioritising going back to find Sam, and this is after Cas broke Sam’s brain mind you); deciding to basically kill himself in s13 after Cas has died (despite Sam being alive and well); telling Chuck he’s wiling to kill Sam if it’ll bring Cas back. If the Bronly tenet that all Dean needs to be happy is Sam then hell, why does Dean beg Sam to let him die in the series finale.

I will note that Dean kicking Cas out of the bunker in s9 is thrown around constantly but there was literally a gun to Sam’s head at that point. Dean was tormented about it and still snuck off to see Cas although it may have been unwise in that situation.

Also interesting to note that Sam isn’t the only one; Castiel has also served as a threat to Dean’s other representations of family. in s6 Cas ~betrays Dean by colluding with Crowley, who kidnaps Lisa and Ben, which eventually leads to Dean deciding to memory wipe Lisa. In s14 Dean literally *blames Cas in part for Mary’s death*! And yet still forgives him?? (As s13 showed, Dean can live better without Mary than he can without Cas.) This is really intriguing/toxic element of Destiel that is hardly explored in fandom, which is that Dean associates Cas with danger to the rest of his family/his role as protector of his family and therefore his relationship with him is a weakness that he will regret. Add to the fact that Cas has proven time and again to not be a safe/reliable object of affection (see above examples, and also repeatedly leaving/dying) and it’s very plain why Dean would have reason to fear/suppress/compartmentalise romantic feelings between them — because they would be an even greater source of pain.

Curious to get your thoughts on this!!

Thank you for the message!

Regarding the first point: I think there's a fairly typical thing going on of fan simplifying characters and their motivations. Does Dean love and care about Sam? Yes. Was Dean's duty to Sam something that was drilled into him as something that he had no choice over? And something that was reinforced through their forced isolation from the rest of society? Also yes. So what happens when Dean has someone that he has grown to love on his own terms? And who he never has to worry about alienating, someone who could actually be part of his life? Something very interesting!

I looooove the s6/7 example so much, because Dean really isn't ever angry at Cas for hurting Sam, he's angry at Cas for not listening to him. And even then, not really - his anger at Cas in 7x01 is much more something that Dean is using as a sheild, something to cover his own hurt, than anything else. And then the second it looks like Cas is going to turn around and come back to him, all that anger evaporates.

s8 was soooo vindicating as well when it aired, because all summer the bronlies were like, "Dean's motivation in Purgatory will be that he's trying to get back to Sam!" And then it WASN'T. This is another thing too, that bronlies will try to make it out like Sam is the only one that Dean will go to extreme lengths for, that Dean isn't a *generally* nurturing type of person who *wants* a bigger family and to not be so socially isolated. But throughout the entire show, Dean is constantly drawing people around himself. And we do see how Dean is willing to go to great lengths for Cas. Of course, a lot of the time, Dean is convinced that he's powerless to do anything when it comes to saving Cas, but Purgatory was one time when he wasn't, and we see what happens.

(And the thing is I do get where the bronlies are coming from in their understanding of the show, in an abstract sense. Like objectively, if someone were to tell me that there's a story about two brothers, that only have eachother against the world, and they have a super-intense relationship, and all they care about is each other and fighting monsters, and there's a dark, gothic vibe to it, I could see why someone would be into that. Like it's not my jam, but abstractly, I see it. But the thing is, that reading of the show does not hold up to contact with canon - and none of them want to admit that.)

The series finale is so weird when you think about it. Because bronlies hold it up as a win. But it is Dean taken down to a place where all he has is Sam and hunting, and then deciding that he has nothing to live for.

s9 was just a mess. Kicking Cas out of the bunker was so contrived. And then what everyone forgets is how incredibly happy and jazzed Dean was when he thought Cas was going to be living with them. The thing I'm most bitter about is that they couldn't have given us at least one episode of Dean and Cas being absolutely goofy happy around each other before constructing a situation to get Cas out of the picture.

Your last paragraph is interesting, and something to think about. The way I see it, is that Cas has entered a special tier of relationships with Dean, where Dean will hold on to him no matter what. I don't think Lisa and Ben are a good example for your point, actually, because I think Dean blames himself for what happened to them more than anyone else, which is reflected in his final interaction with them when he says he hit them with his car and is happy they can go on with their lives (or something of that nature, I forget).

Mary's death is interesting though. The only thing comparable to something like that happening before is when Dean blames Sam for Charlie's death (and what Dean says to Sam - "I think it should be you on that pyre instead of her" - is actually way more harsh than what Dean says to Cas). But Dean does forgive Sam, and he does forgive Cas - again, they're on a special tier, where Dean values them no matter what. And you see that throughout the divorce arc, where Dean keeps checking in on Cas and showing concern for him, in spite of how he feels at the moment - like he knows througout that the rift him and Cas are going through isn't going to last forever.

I think all of Dean's closest relationships are toxic, just as a result of the way he was raised and the kind of life he leads. With Sam, John, Mary, Jack, and Cas. The relationships that aren't toxic are the ones where they aren't physically around each other that much (like Charlie), or with Bobby, who has the level of experience to not get caught up in bullshit. With all of them, the death toll doesn't really matter (like Mary endangered Cas too, and Dean forgave her). Dean just tends to not let go of the people around him.

I think a big barrier for Dean and Cas is actually neither of them having any kind of reference model for what they are to one another. All of Dean's romantic relationships have been filled with secrets, and the knowledge that his partner cannot share his life with him. Dean calls Cas his "brother" in s6 and s11, because to him, that's the closest you can be to someone. That changes to "best friend", which is better, because it doesn't have the same connotation of obligation and responsibility - your best friend is someone you actually like being around. And it's a title that is uniquely Castiel's.

And in general he has trouble categorizing Castiel. Like he keeps trying to put Cas in human boxes that he doesn't actually fit within. He repeatedly indicates that he thinks of Cas as just a guy, and then Cas acts in ways that defy that category.

So yeah, I guess I don't really think that Dean sees Cas as unsafe. It's more that Dean just isn't thinking of romantic relationships as a possibility for himself. And he doesn't quite know how to categorize what he and Cas are to each other (and the fact that Cas is a dude may or may not play into that, depending on how much you think Dean grapples with internalized homophobia). And they're both generally fucked up.

It's an interesting idea, though, that Dean sees Cas as a danger, that I'd be interested in seeing explored more in posts or fic.

[adanmwere]

spn au thing! I took this from my notes app

Less or more I'm unsure if I can cw this with anything? I don't think anything in it is triggering and if it is I am terribly sorry

destiel as hell and it kind it starts to read like a fanfic.

A spn au but instead of the "world ending" and them saving the day. it ends. dean accepts Micheals offer from day one. Unlike Sam who doesn't accept Lucifer's offer and never does. this creates tension and micheal gets impatient, the war does happen in fact its hell. Armageddon happens, cas is the only hope for sam and bobby. He is powerless though until..He comfirms something he is in fact god. this causes.. Massive tension because why was he doing this? He had a lot to explain but sam nor bobby wasn't gonna listen to a word he said. if he was god why couldn't he stop it? Wasn't god their father? What the fuck (hes a demi god but he is GOD. just a different one not THE THE god.) he is a human now hes useless as he could ever fucking be. he goes into a depression and still has hope that maybe dean is alive or at least his soul. hes unsure though for many reasons snd who wouldn't be? He was partially used as micheals shield. he'd be lucky if he had made it out with all of his fingers and toes. cas hunts everywhere, he cant teleport so this looking turns into a hunt for years. too many to count he experiences the horrors of humanity and realises how truly fucked this planet was. it disgusted him but he was once again powerless. He was also loosing hope because it was months and years he had been looking for dean for hope that maybe he was alive. just when he was about to give up, he finds himself in a bar a small one and notices a man.. Who seems familiar this was only added on to when the name "dean" was called. It echoed through his ears and rang in his head like a bell. there he was, alive and in the flesh; dean fucking Winchester. He had evidently aged a bit more he was before havibg almost a head of grey hairs but he wasnt that old, he was surely older then castiel had come to remember but he was wearing a pair of sunglasses. He didn't seem to remember cas and castiel was wrecked because he had come so far just to be brought back to square fucking one. he was basically a stranger to dean now... dean took off his sunglasses and he was...blind ? God castiel felt sorry for him.

dean was blind. It was evident the whiteness covering his irises, castiel couldnt help but stare and he knew he was getting weird looks they probably thought he was some weirdo. dean would drink down his beer and speak up, asking the man (castiel) if he was having fun looking at him and if he had never seen a blind man. castiel felt embarrassed he apologized, dean shrugged it off not taking offense to it. But cas...he kind of just gave up. Because what was he to do? he left the bar, he felt emptier then usual maybe it was because he lost two of his best friends. one to His ignorance and the other to just being powerless because he nearly killed himself to help the Winchesters. he shouldve been pissed, mad even. Why wasn't he? why wasn't he mad at them? for making him suffer. it had to be a deeper reason to why, right? He leaned against the wall of the alley way as a figure caught his eye and deans voice once again echoed through his ears. Like fine wine made his ears tingle at the rasp in his voice. he called out castiels name. cas was unsure if he was referring to him. someone else must've had that name too, right? Cas noticed deans slight limp and the... cane dean had, god maybe dean was older then he thought. cas looked around nervously not talking because well he was blind. not to be mean or anything... "castiel novak" 'dean' called out. that wasn't even castiels last fucking name. It was his vessels last name. Jimmy novak, poor guy...But that wasn't important, taking a closer look at "dean" he had a uhhh...fake leg?..what were those things called...God that, battle must've taken a tool on him. But how was he even breathing? he was supposed to be dead, that was the plan that was the fucking mission not to kill dean but kill Lucifer and Sam was meant to be his vessel but Adam took that role soon after they figured out that Adam was Winchester blood he was the closest thing to Sam. Micheal was an angel he obviously had to have a vessel. god forbid. castiel began to feel a migraine form, he rubbed his temple. he would never get used to being a human. he missed being who he was. being able to help, defend. do something, He could barely hold a gun properly. what use was he? "stop thinking that way, hun" dean said. the words made his throat sore cas turned almost red. maybe it was because dean was blind. hopefully dean didn't.. mean to talk to castiel like that, right? fuck. (This turning into a fanfic lol HELP.) cas shook his head and groaned out the pain he was feeling. His head was throbbing like it had a heart beat of its own. "There's something, they..wanted me to give..or back yeah. give back" dean uddered as he hastily walked over to cas. pressing his pointer finger and middle finger against castiels temble. rubbing and sliding them down with a slight touch to it a beam of white light emerged the alley way he had been standing in. it gave the night a light. it was like a beam. the same ring that dean heard when castiel first tried to communicate rang through castiels ears... his own voice

[mathmusicreading]

Currently thinking about the title of Supernatural season 4 episode 1 "Lazarus Rising". It's so simple and so evocative. I think I get something extra from it because I love Terry Pratchett, Discworld, Hogfather, Discworld's Death, and the quote "where the falling angel meets the rising ape". (Do the Destiel shippers go wild with this? The Cas fans supporting his love for humanity and even creating free will? They should.) But just on it's own, it's referencing coming back to life and the phrasing has connotations of ascension and empowerment. It also avoids connotations of zombies or likening Dean to Jesus Christ.

On that note, I wonder how much Supernatural meant to parallel Dean Winchester to Lazarus of Bethany, and Castiel to Jesus for that matter. (With how little I engage with Supernatural canon, I think my thoughts on Chuck's relationship with Castiel are mixed and not set, but for fun right now: Castiel is Chuck's favorite angel, and Chuck hates it and hates him for it!)

Dean was dead for four months, much like Lazarus was dead for four days. (Dean was also in hell for 40 years, a significant number and amount of time in the Bible. And moving away from the Christianity angle, four is a fitting motif with Dean's death given "four" sounding like "death" in Mandarin Chinese.)

Dean is "the righteous man", while part of the title with which Lazarus is venerated is "Righteous Lazarus".

If "risen dead" evokes zombies and "risen from the dead" invokes Jesus, then "Lazarus rising" conveys that the subject of resurrection is a normal human, and the key is that they are resurrected by a great power who is good. Specifically, Lazarus is resurrected by Jesus, the Son of God, and Dean is resurrected not by a necromancer or demon, but by the angel Castiel, sent on a holy mission.

Jesus did not immediately save Lazarus, rushing to heal him upon hearing of his illness, but waited two days before traveling to and resurrecting Lazarus after he died. I can't help but feel like this is similar to Castiel's not rescuing Dean until 40 years into Dean's sentence in Hell, after he had broken on the rack and become a torturer shedding blood in Hell.

Jesus did not merely heal Lazarus when he was sick, but resurrected him after death, for God's glory and that people might believe in Jesus' own coming resurrection. (God resurrecting Castiel, anyone?) I think Supernatural canon is not explicitly clear, and it may be widespread fanon or a popular fan head canon that Castiel was sent immediately to rescue Dean, but wow the similarity to Jesus and his mission if Cas couldn't reach Dean or wasn't sent until after Dean broke because of heaven's ultimate plan to carryout the apocalypse, rescuing Dean not being about saving a righteous man but about breaking the first seal to Lucifer's cage.

Not full of meaning, but Jesus resurrected Lazarus in his tomb and still wrapped in his grave cloths. So for the people jokingly asking why Castiel left Dean in his coffin, six feet under, instead of zapping him out, it's because we're really leaning into the Jesus angle. (Is Cas lobotomized Jesus?!)

And the kickers now that we've gone through all that: Jesus wept. He was moved with compassion for Lazarus' sisters and friends. He mourned Lazarus' death even while on the way to resurrect him. It was well known by all that he loved Lazarus. Take that how you will and run with it, Cas fans and Destiel shippers!

Last thing not being included with the rest because you can't as easily get it just from reading John 11:1-44 or doing an internet search for Lazarus. DiscIaimer that above, I got the title with which Lazarus is venerated in the Eastern Orthodox Church from Wikipedia, and so too the following Biblical interpretation/theological commentary.

The miracle of the raising of Lazarus is the climax of John's "signs". It explains the crowds seeking Jesus on Palm Sunday, and leads directly to the decision of Caiaphas and the Sanhedrin to plan to kill Jesus. Theologians Moloney and Harrington view the raising of Lazarus as a "pivotal miracle" which starts the chain of events that leads to the Crucifixion of Jesus. They consider it as a "resurrection that will lead to death", in that the raising of Lazarus will lead to the death of Jesus, the Son of God, in Jerusalem which will reveal the Glory of God.[17]

Dean's resurrection led to Castiel's death. Castiel died because he saved and loved Dean. When Castiel first laid a hand on [Dean] in Hell, he was lost! Castiel died because Chuck is a Pharisee that can't accept his manly everyman main character (sorry, Sam) is bisexual instead of straight. Chuck can be bisexual, but the manly everyman main character has to be straight, and so he killed Castiel for it. Dean too if you believe Chuck won.

And if the point of Lazarus' resurrection is Jesus' divinity, then the point of Dean's resurrection is that the angel is gay and Dean is bi!

[sickseraph]

No because why am I scared of being made fun of for loving these men when Destiel is probably the most beautiful thing ever created.

An angel pulls a righteous man from hell and heals his wounds and is so overcome with this triumph that he screams DEAN WINCHESTER HAS BEEN SAVED so loud that he awakens fallen angels. He rebuilds this man from dust. The man is scared of Castiel, they don’t trust each other, but they need each other—the man begs the angel to see why Heaven, why God’s plan is corrupt and the angel should trust him. Against nature, breaking from the script, against God, his Father—the angel rebels. The angel rips out the part of him that serves Heaven all for this man and only because he asks. Only because now he’s starting to feel, and angels don’t feel.

What’s coming isn’t an easy task—the man considers giving himself up but the angel won’t let him, beating him unconscious while yelling I rebelled for this? And still, when the day comes, the angel dies for him. The angel attacks his own brothers for this man, is incinerated instantly, and never gave it a second thought.

After the angel is resurrected, they spend years trying to fix everything for each other and almost always do it wrong. They are eventually sent to purgatory together, and the man spends every waking moment praying to his angel. He could’ve escaped, he could’ve been angry at the angel for his misdoings, but he stayed, ripping flesh and killing anything in his way to get to the angel. But he doesn’t understand—the angel, upset, says they’re after me, Dean. I avoid you to protect you. The man won’t listen. He can’t. He pulls the angel to the exit but their hands slip right there, on the precipice. And the man is so distraught that he tells himself he’d let go by accident, but we know this isn’t true. The angel wanted to stay, wanted to feel punishment. The angel saved the righteous man and stayed behind.

But they can’t be kept apart can they?

The angel finds his way back, like always, and Dean is seeing his face everywhere. Dean blames himself. It’s easier than thinking his angel wanted to stay. It’s easier than being abandoned.

Heaven isn’t happy with this angel—this silly thing that gave up its innate purpose and programming all for a human—so they attempt to rewire him, resorting to lobotomy as a way to force him into conforming. They create infinite copies of his human and force him to kill each one, testing his loyalties. And after all this, after being turned into a mindless soldier through torture, it only takes one thing to break the connection. Dean, on his knees, saying I need you.

And this does not fix everything. Now the angel is desperate to undo his wrongs, searching for ways to repay him; so desperate that he misplaces his trust and is irreparably damaged, intimately violated by God’s Scribe. His grace, every part of his angelic traits, is stolen from him, literally ripped from his throat before the Scribe sends all angels plummeting to the Earth. And now the angel is an entirely new species—a human, soft and vulnerable, with nothing to his name—a prime target of angry, wingless angels.

There is only one thing he can do. He can call his human, beg for help, but it’s not going to come quickly. He has to decide between eating and warding himself from his murderous siblings. He virtuously refuses to steal or hurt anyone. He just wants to be safe. He trusts the wrong person and, seconds away from being saved by his human, is stabbed through the heart. Although his brother is injured, Dean caresses his angel’s face and sobs, insisting that the entity inside his brother’s body fix Cas despite how it will hurt the entity and likely put Dean’s brother at risk. It doesn’t matter. Then they go home, and the angel feels safe for the first time as a human.

But nothing lasts forever. The entity inside Sam is anxious, insecure around Cas, and so Dean asks the angel to leave. For probably the first time, Castiel feels intense sadness. Betrayal. Grief. Stress. And it’s because of his human, the one human he was attempting to make everything up to before. Well, apparently he hadn’t done well enough. The angel leaves, still desperate for cash and food, resorting to sleeping in the storeroom of a gas station to stay warm.

The angel has to protect himself from enemies, stealing angelic grace just to keep going. At the same time, Dean takes on the mark of Cain and slowly loses sanity. The angel earns a league of likeminded angels that believe in him, and it finally looks like maybe he can do things on his own again. Naturally, this can’t last for long—his allegiance to this dangerous, marked human is too risky for any angels to trust him.

And his allegiance is tested, but holds strong. Dean can tear the angel to pieces and he’ll still lay there on the floor, unwilling to harm him, and Dean will walk away knowing he could’ve killed Cas but didn’t. Couldn’t.

Over and over, they fight together or they fight each other and it never ends any different. They stick together. They get angry about how the other is acting. And they stay, because leaving just isn’t an option.

The next time the angel dies, the righteous man isn’t the same. He can’t accept it now, now that it seems real and now that the angel was so solidly good, so individualistic and pure. He burns his body and watches, red-eyed. This time it’s real. This time God isn’t on their side to bring him back. So he does what he knows—he drinks, he hides in comfort, he puts himself at risk. He starts thinking that maybe the solution to their problems is for him to die—really, hadn’t they destroyed the natural order enough?

And then the angel calls him from a payphone and all thoughts of ending his life are wiped from his mind. Dean didn’t care how he’d returned, just brought him home and indulged in a way they never did—they took a fun case, they dressed up like cowboys and caught a bad guy.

They’re not allowed fun, though. They’re doomed by the narrative—the God that is insistent upon failure. Over and over they’re tested, and no matter whose mother is killed and whose psyche is broken by being blamed for it, they stay together. Because you can hate and love at the same time. Because you don’t really hate them.

And at the end of it all, they’re still together. In the angel’s last moments, it’s still only about his human. What’s important is getting Dean safe, is coming up with a plan that saves Dean. Because even though Castiel had all his grace, Dean was the powerful one. Dean was the one who needed to kill God, who needed to stay alive, and who deserved a life.

And the angel did the only thing he knew how to do, the only thing that always worked—he sacrificed himself for his human. He told his human that he was in love with him, and told him the things he needed to hear, and let himself be swallowed up by eternity. All for Dean. For Dean, who was still beautiful.

And this did save the world, but Dean wasn’t the same, really. He vowed to give himself a good life, try to move forward, but it really wasn’t going to happen was it? It was always going to end in his brother’s arms after a hunt. And he was okay with it. And when he got to Heaven, sitting beside his true father with a beer in hand, he heard Cas’s name and smiled. It had been ages since he smiled.

[senashenta]

Horror High: Chapter Two

Title: Horror High

Pairing: Destiel

Rating: NC-17 (in future chapters)

Warnings: Sex, Violence

Summary: John Winchester plants his eldest son at Caspar High in Jacksonville because weird things have been happening there: people disappearing. People reappearing only dead and drained of all their bodily fluids. Cocoons. It’s up to Dean to figure out what’s stalking Caspar’s halls and deal with it accordingly; but then he meets the New Kid—newer than him, even, the New-New Kid—Castiel Novak, and all his plans get severely derailed. Now Dean has to juggle the supernatural case—a really hungry jorogumo—and also the fact that he’s very quickly falling in love, something that is absolutely forbidden by his dad.

Meanwhile Castiel, shoved into the third new school in a year because his adoptive father—Chuck Shurley’s—job has them moving around a lot, struggles to fit in at Caspar High, not only because he’s the New Kid but because he’s the weird New Kid. Dean seems like a saving grace, a harbor in a storm, someone who doesn’t judge him—that is until Cas finds out about Dean’s night job. Cas’s life just got a whole lot stranger—but that doesn’t stop him from falling for Dean, regardless.

Notes: Can also be read HERE ON AO3. New chapter next Friday! :)

HORROR HIGH TUMBLR MASTER POST HERE.

HORROR HIGH Chapter Two By Senashenta

Dean ended up walking him all the way home after all. Neither of them said much. Dean’s thoughts were whirling, and Cas seemed a little in shock, but not so bad all things considered. When they arrived at Cas’s house, though, Dean declined to go inside, instead just checking over the other boy’s neck again, then instructing him to clean it and bandage it, and promising he would explain the next day.

Then he took off back to the motel.

Cas followed Dean’s orders, going inside and straight up to his room, where he dried off, changed his clothes, and then bandaged his neck to the best of his ability. He spent the rest of the night laying in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep or even focus enough to do homework because vampires were real. Vampires. Were. Real.

The next day he was tired but felt well enough to go to school and like hell was he going to not go and miss Dean’s promised explanation. He looked for the other boy in the lobby before classes started in the morning but couldn’t spot him, and eventually the first bell rang. He would have to wait until lunch.

When lunch time arrived, he hurried down to the gym to wait anxiously for Dean to show up, half expecting him not to—and was relieved when Dean came around the corner, heading toward him but avoiding his eyes. Why, Cas didn’t know. It wasn’t like Dean had done anything wrong.

“Let me see your neck,” Was the first thing Dean said to him, and when Cas tilted his head to the side, the older teen checked over the bandage there quickly before nodding, “that’s good, it’s… it doesn’t hurt, does it?”

Cas shook his head. “No.”

“Good. Come on.” Dean headed into the gym and Cas followed, and together they climbed in behind the bleachers and settled in their usual spot. Cas fished out their lunches and handed Dean his, but Dean just set his sandwich aside for the time being, something serious obviously on his mind. “Cas, I… I’m sorry. That should never have happened to you.”

Cas was halfway to taking a bite of his sandwich but paused and made a confused noise, “why are you apologizing? You didn’t bite me.” Then he stopped, lowering his sandwich a little and said, vaguely, “vampires are real.” Before asking, “am I going to turn into a vampire now? That’s how it works, right? At least that’s how it works in books and movies, I don’t…” And then, again; “vampires are real.”

That finally seemed to break a little of the tension that had built up in Dean, and he laughed weakly. “You’re not going to turn into a vampire. You have to ingest their blood, or get it in an open wound or something. That’s how they turn people.”

“Vampires are real.” Cas repeated.

“Yes,” Dean confirmed, “and they’re not the only things that are real, there are…” Trailing off, he hesitated before pulling a battered notebook out of his jacket—the notebook he was always scribbling in—and holding it out. “This is my journal. It’s… all the things I’ve Hunted. All the stuff I know, about all the things that are out there. My Dad’s journal is—I mean, mine pales in comparison, but you’ll get the idea.”

“Hunted?”

“Yeah, I…” Another hesitation. This was clearly hard for Dean. “I’m not supposed to talk about this to anyone. It’s the Big Secret. But my family, me and my Dad mostly, we Hunt things. Evil things. Monsters. It’s why we travel around so much, we’re always tracking things down to kill them. My Dad’s in Utah right now taking care of a poltergeist situation.”

Cas set his food aside entirely and opened the notebook, flipping through the pages slowly, just skimming some of the handwritten text and drawings. “Monsters are real.” He amended, “and you… Hunt them?”

“Pretty much.”

That made Cas frown slightly, and he asked, “then why are you here, Dean?”

Dean winced at that. “Yeah, about that.” He rubbed a hand through his hair and heaved a sigh, “there’s something going on in this school. You’re new so you don’t know yet. But people keep vanishing, and turning up dead and dried up, like husks. Boys. And male teachers. It’s been happening for a while now. So… Dad dropped me and Sammy here to take care of it. It’s my first solo Hunt. I’ve only ever Hunted with him before.”

“Hm.” Cas hummed, still thumbling through the notebook. “Can I… hang onto this? Just for today? I’ll bring it back to you tomorrow, I promise, I just…”

“It’s a lot to take it at once.” Dean agreed, “just don’t lose it.”

“I promise.” Cas nodded, and carefully tucked the notebook into his backpack. Then he picked his lunch back up and began to eat, slowly and deliberately. “Hey Dean, tell me more about your family, your Dad and the Hunting stuff.”

More hesitation, but slowly Dean began to talk, laying everything out for him, giving Cas a clear picture of who his dad was as a person and as a Hunter, the way he had grown up, always on the road with his dad and Sam, the different Hunts he had been on, the different monster they had killed, the different people they had saved…

And once the floodgates opened, there seemed to be no closing them.

Dean continued to talk for a long time, about his dad, about his brother, about monsters that needed to be tracked down and eliminated, and Cas just focused on the movement of his mouth as it formed the words, unable to look away until, a few minutes later, he abruptly leaned over and kissed the other boy, effectively silencing him in an instant.

Dean froze—but then surged into movement again, grabbing hard at Cas’s shirt and shoving him back to arms’ length, green eyes darting over the younger’s face. For a moment, Cas worried that he had just bought himself a punch. Maybe two. Maybe more.

Instead, something seemed to click in Dean’s gaze, and he pulled Cas forward again, dragging him into another kiss, hard and deep. Cas made a little surprised sound in the back of his throat but—well—he wasn’t complaining, so he just went along with it, poured himself into the series of kisses that followed until they finally had to part to catch their breaths, Dean’s hands still fisted in the front of his shirt, holding him close the entire time.

“Well.” Cas managed finally, still breathing hard, “I mean. Sorry.”

Dean actually barked a laugh. Releasing Cas’s shirt, he leaned back against the brick wall behind them and shook his head. “My Dad is gonna kill me.”

“No boys?” Cas ventured.

“No relationships.” Dean corrected, “it’s one of the rules. I don’t think he’d care that you’re a boy.”

“Oh.”

“A relationship is a weakness that can be exploited. If I was just screwing you he wouldn’t care.” Dean heaved a sigh and turned his head to look at Cas, almost appraising. Finally, he cracked a little smile. “I think you might be worth it, though.”

Cas blinked in surprise and couldn’t help the small smile that crept across his own face. “So, this is a relationship, then?”

Dean reached with one hand to grab at the front of his shirt again, tugging gently until they were close once more, and leaned in for another kiss. “Yeah, I think. If you want.”

Cas most definitely wanted, not even the weird monster stuff could change that.

-- --

Though he hadn’t really had a chance to do much exploring of Jacksonville proper yet, and he wasn’t what you would call the Mall Type, Cas had discovered a couple of little stores nearby to where he lived that he rather liked shortly after moving there. They were located in a strip mall a couple blocks from his house.

The first was a pet store, Chicks Dig It, which specialized in birds but also sold things for other animals, including fish food, for his goldfish, and crickets that he could feed to his pet tarantula; the second was called Parchment Paper and was a second-hand bookstore, nothing more needed to be said there, and the third, Magickal Things, was a store catering to the local New Age and Pagan community.

He frequented all three, but that weekend he was in Magickal Things looking for talismans to ward off nightmares and coming up empty. He was also just poking around, because every time he went into Magickal Things they seemed to have a ton of new items that he had never seen before. The place was an absolute treasure trove.

Today, he found himself sorting through the gemstones and reading up on their uses, then admiring the suncatchers that were displayed prominently in the front window.

And then he spotted the little box of sew-on patches and a smile brightened his face immediately. He began digging through the box to see if any of them spoke to him, humming over a couple before choosing one that was a hand, palm out with the palmistry lines labelled on it. He kind of liked that one. Then he continued digging—until he found one that was round, just a simple pentagram. He pulled it out of the box, too.

People tended to associate pentagrams with Satanism, but Cas knew from talking with the shop owner that they were actually powerful protection sigils. This was perfect. Now he smiled down at the patch, pleased, and headed up to the front to pay.

-- --

Two days later found him under the bleachers with Dean again, and he handed the older boy his lunch but didn’t get into his own right away, instead digging out the pentagram patch and his needle and thread.

“Dean, take your jacket off.”

Dean looked up from taking a bite of his sandwich. He grinned. “If you want me out of my clothes you just have to ask, Cas.”

Cas rolled his eyes. Ever since they had upgraded their relationship from friends to boyfriends, Dean had been incorrigible, and while Cas actually found it weirdly charming, he refused to let that show. “I’m serious, Dean, I have something for your jacket, just hand it over.”

Dean sighed and wiggled out of his jacket, somehow without setting his sandwich down in the process, and held it out for Cas to take. Cas muttered a quiet thanks and carefully placed the patch on the right shoulder of the jacket before starting to sew. Dean went back to eating but watched him curiously.

“What is it?”

“Pentagram patch.” Cas continued sewing, “I found it at one of the stores that I go to. Pentagrams are supposed to be protection, right? So, I thought…”

Dean’s chewing slowed and he swallowed the bite of food in his mouth. “Cas…”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you.” Cas explained, as if it wasn’t obvious. Blue eyes were still on his work as he sewed, but he could feel Dean’s gaze on him. “I mean—it might not be much, but I’m not a witch or anything, I can’t cast protection spells, this is all I can do. I can sew. So, I…” There was silence from the other boy until Cas was finished and knotted the thread, snapping it off before returning his sewing supplies to his bag and holding the jacket back out for Dean, not quite meeting his eyes. “Here. I hope you don’t mind.”

Dean took the jacket, but just set it aside and reached to grasp Cas’s wrist, tugging him closer. He leaned in to bump their foreheads together gently, then gave Cas a kiss. “You care about me.” He accused, just teasing, then; “thank you.”

“Of course I care about you.” Cas offered a little smile, embarrassed. “You’re welcome.”

The rest of lunch hour was filled with soft murmurs and peanut butter and jelly flavored kisses, all under the protection of the bleachers and a freshly minted pentagram patch.

-- --

The following weekend, on the Saturday, Cas was invited to the motel for a Research Day. Which, admittedly, did not sound like all that much fun. But spending time with Dean was always nice, and maybe he could even get some kisses out of the deal, so Cas agreed and, with some trial and tribulation, found his way to the Seafoam Motel downtown on Saturday morning with some help from google.

He and Dean had exchanged phone numbers a few days before just in case he needed to call with help with directions. Cas had questioned Dean’s beat-up old flip phone—the thing had to be twenty years old—and Dean had gotten minorly defensive. It seemed he was a bit of a technophobe, at least to a certain extent. Cas actually found it endearing.

Now he was standing in front of the Seafoam Motel, a dingy building with everything painted an off-putting (of course) seafoam green, which had obviously seen better days. But from what Dean had told him, it was pretty normal for the motels they stayed at: nondescript, cheap, discrete, with good locks on the doors. It made sense, if half of what Dean had told him about a Hunter’s lifestyle was true.

Cas pulled out his cell and called Dean’s number. When Dean answered, he didn’t even bother with ‘hello’, just asked, “which room are you in?”

Dean laughed, “eleven,” and immediately hung up.

When he knocked on the door to the room he’d been directed to, there was a long pause before the locks all clicked open and Dean pulled the door inward with a grin. “Hey!” He stepped aside so Cas could come in, “Sammy’s at the library so it’s just us for now.”

“I brought my laptop.” Cas nodded to his backpack, where he had stuffed his laptop, along with the charger, a couple of notebooks and his pencil case. “I thought we might need it.”

“Yeah, Sammy took his with him, so that’s great.” Dean closed the door behind them and stood there for a minute before announcing, “and that concludes the tour!”

Cas chuckled softly.

The room wasn’t large, but it wasn’t exactly small, either. It had two double beds, a small dresser with a TV sitting on top of it, a kitchenette with a wobbly looking table and a couple of chairs, and another door which Cas assumed lead to the bathroom. It wasn’t much, but he figured it had everything they needed. Dean and Sam were probably stepping all over each other, though, cooped up in there as they were.

“Do you two actually cook in here?” Cas asked.

“Are you kidding? We live on take-out.” Dean scoffed, then, “do you cook?”

“I can burn water, according to my Father.” Cas blinked at him, “why do you think I always bring peanut butter and jelly for lunch? It’s the only thing I can make.”

Dean laughed while Cas shrugged out of his backpack and set it on the table (which only wobbled a little, to its’ credit), pulling his laptop out—and he was just setting it down next to the backpack when Dean’s arms slid around him from behind, winding around his waist and holding him tightly. Cas uttered a soft surprised noise, but Dean was already kissing at the crook of his neck and—oh. Yeah, that felt pretty nice, actually.

Dean let go of his waist to grab hold of one of his hands and tugged him over toward one of the beds—presumably Dean’s—where he sat down and patted the spot beside him until Cas muffled a laugh and sat as well. “You’re terrible.”

“And you’re really damn tempting.”

“Dean,” The other boy was already leaning to kiss by Cas’s jaw, and Cas sighed quietly. “we’ve been together for about ten minutes. You’re being ridiculous.” But Dean ignored him, continued kissing along Cas’s jaw until a smile began to tug at the younger boy’s lips… and he finally turned his head to meet the next kiss with one of his own. “I hate you.” He mumbled against Dean’s mouth.

“You do not.” Dean mumbled back, grinning, and kissed him again.

Ten minutes later and the next thing Cas knew he was on his back with Dean pressed down overtop of him and they were making out like it was the end of days and they would never get a chance to do it again. They had made out before a couple of times, under the bleachers at school, but this was different.

Dean was half-propped up on one arm against the mattress, kissing Cas deep and firm and hot, his knee pushed up between Cas’s legs and grinding there slightly—and Cas was just going with it, because it felt really freaking good, his entire body thrumming with electric pleasure as he dragged his hands along Dean’s back.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to admit it or not, because Dean would probably think he was pathetic, being new to all this at his age, but he had never done anything like this before—but then again, it wasn’t like his reactions weren’t giving him away, anyway, squirming and rocking under the other boy like he was a virgin. Which he was, but still. And then Dean’s free hand slid up under his shirt, feeling along his side to his abdomen, making Cas arch into the feeling and—

“DEAN! Oh my God gross! You know Dad’s gonna murder you for bringing a girl here righ—”

Dean practically jerked away from him when the new voice piped up from the doorway, leaving Cas to collect himself before sitting up carefully, hair and clothes mussed, to look over. The door was open and a kid no older than twelve or thirteen was standing there, backpack slung over his shoulder and gaping at the sight in front of him. This had to be Sam. Couldn’t be anyone else. Cas swallowed and licked his lips before lifting a hand in a pathetic half-wave. “Uh. Hi.”

“You’re not a girl.” Sam stated, sounding a weird combination of baffled and impressed. He looked at Dean. “And before you try telling me you’re just friends, you should probably put your hard-on away, dude.”

Dean sputtered and demanded, “there is such a thing as liking both, you know!”

“Oh, I know that.” Sam shrugged, “just didn’t think you did.” Then; “Dad’s still gonna kill you.”

Dean ran a hand through his hair and gave a pointed glare. “Not if he doesn’t know about it, Sam.”

“Ooooh, do I have one over you, here?” The grin that split Sam’s face was downright diabolical. “You are going to owe me for this.”

Dean muttered under his breath but finally agreed. “Fine. Deal. Just keep your trap shut about it, okay?”

Sam shrugged again, a seeming acceptance of the terms, and flung his backpack onto the second bed, then plopped down next to it to look Cas over. He had the same kind of analytical way of looking through a person as his older brother did, and Cas found himself shifting uncomfortably after a minute. Dean, meanwhile, announced that he was going for sodas and left the room entirely, probably just to get some air. Finally, Cas cleared his throat and nodded toward Sam’s shirt, where one of the pockets of his flannel was torn.

“What happened there?”

Sam blinked, surprised, and glanced down at his shirt. “Oh. New Kid hazing. You know how it is.”

Cas nodded. He did know how it was; he remembered the basketball incident his first day, the one that had introduced him to Dean. “I can fix it for you.” He offered and reached for his own backpack where it had been tossed on the floor, then opened it to fish out a spool of thread and a needle. “I always have this stuff on me, just in case. Give me your shirt and I’ll sew it up.”

When Sam looked skeptical, Cas flipped his bag around to show off the collection of patches that were sewn across the front. “I did them all myself. I’m actually pretty good at sewing. This one is my favorite.” He tapped one finger against the pair of black wings in the top center of the backpack. “Like angel wings, right?”

After another moment of hesitation, Sam shrugged out of his flannel and handed it over. Cas smiled and immediately got to work. When Dean came back a few minutes later Cas was deep into sewing the tear in Sam’s shirt and barely acknowledged him when he came in the door. Dean tossed a can of soda over to his brother and nodded toward Cas, “what’s going on here?”

“He’s fixing my shirt.” Sam offered with a blink.

“Oh, yeah, he does that.” Dean set another soda down on the bed next to where Cas was just finishing tying the thread off and snapping it with his teeth, then crossed over to perch on the edge of the kitchenette table. When he was done, Cas smiled down at his work, then tossed the shirt back to Sam, who made a kind of hmm face at him before muttering a thanks around the rim of his drink. Cas sat back, hand bumping into the soda that was sitting next to him, and picked it up to open it with a little thanks of his own. Dean just smiled at him from his position safely behind Sam’s back.

“I have two questions.” Sam announced finally, as if he couldn’t stand the silence.

Cas’s eyebrows rose a little. “Mm?”

“Okay, first, what’s your freaking name, dude, I mean really? I walk in on you and my brother—uh. Doing things—I don’t even want to know what—and you never even introduced yourself?” The younger boy sounded exasperated.

“If by walked in on you mean interrupted.” Dean groused.

Cas nearly choked on his cola, but Sam had a point, there, so once he’d coughed a couple of times, he waved one hand placatingly. “Castiel. I’m Castiel. But just Cas for short is fine.”

“Nice to meet you, Cas.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Sam.” And then; “what’s your second question?”

Sam’s eyebrows lifted and his eyes flicked to Cas’s backpack. “Why are your angel wings black? Shouldn’t they be white?”

“That’s two questions.” Dean pointed out. Sam gave him a flat look.

That was actually a good question, though. Cas smiled to himself almost absently as he considered his answer, one finger tapping against the can in his hands. “I think… angels are God’s warriors, right? That’s how they’re portrayed in the bible a lot of the time. I mean they’re also portrayed as loving and forgiving and graceful, too, but… anyway. I think to be the kind of warrior that God calls upon you would need to get your hands dirty. I think angels probably aren’t the pure, sinless beings that everyone paints them to be. If that makes sense.” He tilted his head slightly, “hence the black wings.”

Sam frowned a little in thought before admitting, “that’s an interesting theory.”

Behind him, Dean just rolled his eyes. “It’s all bullshit. Angels aren’t real. Ghosts are real. Chupacabras are real. We Hunt all kinds of things. But angels? Not so much.”

Sam’s head whipped around, and he stared hard at his brother. “Dean, does he know?!”

“Uh.”

“You told him!”

“I—wh—I mea—” Dean hedged with half-words for a moment, then set his can of soda down and gave Sam a firm look; “we got ambushed by a vampire on the way home from school the other day and I just—what was I supposed to do? Cas saw everything and deserved answers!”

“It’s the big rule, Dean!”

“I know! You think I don’t know?!”

“Was this before or after you started making out with him?” Sam demanded, and when Dean gave him a look, he informed; “just trying to figure out your state of mind, that’s all!”

Dean grumbled but allowed it. “Before.”

Sam continued staring hard at Dean, Dean staring right back, neither of them blinking—until Cas interrupted their little stand off, shifting in his seat, to offer, “I understand how important what Dean told me is. Why it’s all a secret. Telling people could get you hurt, right? But I promise, Sam, I’ll never tell another soul. I care about your brother too much to put him—or you—in danger like that.”

Sam turned back around to face Cas again. “You care about him?”

“Yes. Of course.” Cas nodded, then added, “I don’t kiss people I don’t care for.”

Dean snorted softly and muttered, “oh, please, I was your first kiss and we both know it.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Cas asked with just the faintest flush.

A little, quirk of a smile tugged at Sam’s lips. He heaved a sigh. “Okay, I mean, the cat’s already out of the bag. All we can do is trust you, right?” He looked back at Dean again; “what are you going to tell Dad?”

“Nothing. For now, anyway. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt me.” Dean gestured toward Sam, “don’t you tell him.”

Sam held his hands up placatingly, “I already said I wouldn’t.” And then, “but you still owe me.”

“What does he owe you?” Cas questioned curiously.

“Mmm. A favor.” Sam’s reply was contemplative. “To be determined.”

“I hate this.” Dean muttered.

“You should.” Sam confirmed with a little grin. Then he turned his attention back to Cas to ask, “anyway, what are you even doing here? Aside from the obvious.” A quick glance toward the table, “you brought your laptop, so…”

Cas shifted slightly and ran a hand through his hair, trying to make sure it wasn’t still mussed all to hell. “Dean wanted me to come over and help with research, about whatever’s going on at the school.”

“Research…” The younger teen drawled, “riiiiight.”

Dean made the motion of smacking Sam up the back of the head but didn’t actually do it. Cas laughed. “You were at the library and things just… happened.” He, at least, had the decency to look embarrassed, “but now that you’re back we really can do some research if you want. Though honestly, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. Dean said something about dried up bodies?”

Sam hesitated just slightly before nodding and adding, “and cocoons. We’ve had at least one cocoon.”

“Cocoon.” Cas stated almost blankly.

“Yeah, cocoon.” Dean sighed and set his can of soda down, heading over to sit down next to Cas again, “look, you don’t have to be here. You can just go. You don’t have to have anything to do with this.”

But Cas shook his head, “no, I…” He frowned. “I want to help. I can’t know about these things and just do nothing.” He wasn’t a Hunter himself, but the least he could do was help with a little research. That couldn’t hurt, right? He stood up and crossed the room to grab his laptop. “So, lets’ get started. What’s the wifi password here?”

Sam looked at Cas for a long moment before glancing toward Dean and saying, “I like him.”

Dean just regarded his new boyfriend fondly. “Yeah, so do I.”

-- --

The three of them hung out and did research for a couple of hours, then Dean left to go get lunch and bring it back. Lunch turned out to be cheeseburgers, which Sam did not seem surprised or particularly plussed by. He ate the food anyway with only the briefest of complaints about all the grease.

While they were eating they talked some more, just about school and other bland topics, and Cas and Sam exchanged phone numbers. Once they were done, they went back to work, until Cas had to pack up and leave around four to walk home—so he would be home in time for dinner and his father wouldn’t worry about him.

Dean pulled him into a couple of little, lingering kisses at the door before he disappeared, and Sam watched the whole display with sharp eyes, taking it all in. He had never seen his big brother act this way before. It was… different. Not bad, necessarily, just not the norm.

“What?” Dean demanded as he closed the door behind Cas and went about locking it. He could feel Sam’s eyes on him even with his back to the younger boy.

Sam looked back down at the book in his hands. “Nothing. I just like your boyfriend, that’s all.”

Dean sputtered and tried to protest, “no, it’s not like that, Sammy, Cas and I are just—”

“Fuck buddies?” Sam suggested without looking up from his book.

“Who taught you that?!” Dean demanded, then waved his hands dismissively and began pacing up and down the room restlessly, “we’re not having sex, Sam!”

“Sure looked like that was the direction you were headed earlier.”

“You are taking that completely out of context!”

“You were on top of him and had your hands up his shirt.” Sam glanced up with a raised eyebrow. “And then you made eyes at each other the entire rest of the time he was here. Like the whole time.”

“We did not!”

“Dude, seriously, Dad is going to murder you if he finds out.”

Dean stopped and pointed a finger at him. “You promised you wouldn’t tell him!”

“Oh, so now there’s something to tell?” Sam smirked—then finally took pity on his older brother. Sort of. He closed his book and chucked it at Dean, but at the same time informed him; “I won’t say anything. I did promise, and besides, I do like Cas. He’s nice. You could do worse.”

Dean swatted the book out of the air and flailed his hand a little before regarding Sam suspiciously. “Really?”

“Believe it or not, Dean, I do not thrive on your misery. Besides, you know how I feel about most of Dad’s rules.”

There was a brief pause before Dean said softly, “thanks, Sammy.”

Sam tilted his head a little, curiously, “you really like him, don’t you? I mean more than the girls you’ve been with before.”

“I… yeah.” Dean agreed, almost embarrassed now; “the girls were just sex. Cas is… different.”

“Well, he’s a dude, first off.”

“No! I mean—yeah, obviously, but that’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

Dean was standing there, so obviously flustered over the entire thing that Sam finally just sighed. “I get it.” He said softly, “you like him, capital L ‘like.’ It’s like your first real crush that isn’t on a celebrity, it’s a big deal.”

“It’s not a crush, it’s…”

“I know, I know. I told you, I get it, Dean. You’re allowed to like someone, and who cares if it’s a guy?”

Dean stared at him for a few seconds before dismissing embarrassedly, “you’re thirteen, what do you know?”

Sam gave him a knowing little smile. “Apparently more than you.”

[typicalopposite]

W.I.P. Ask Game!

tagged by: @meraki-yao <3

Ask me anything about my WIPs! :)

(just like... be prepared... there's a lot... and I'm not even going to post them ALL! These are the ones I want to get up by 2025!)

Works Started

Shassie Fic

Psych fic! It's going to read like a 5+1 fic but with an added +2 lol! Just a chapter for each season starting with them pining and eventually getting together! Think the Shules timeline but Shassie instead... with some scene changes missing scenes episode swaps and all that! I swear I'll have a better summary when I post it!!!

you still haven't noticed (oh but baby, I have)

RWRB Fic. I have been sharing the snippets from lately. Another 5+1 fic (I love them ok!) about Alex noticing things about Henry through the their relationship. Gonna have a lil bit of angst because... well just because.

Happy Birthday to Me!

RWRB Fic. This was supposed to be written on my birthday... it didn't happen! but since their birthdays are in March... hopefully I get it up this month!

no one's more mystified than Shaan

RWRB Fic. ANOTHER 5+1 fic! Shaan POV. It's going to be part of the Zahraverse series, and will be kind of a parallel to the Zahra Deserves A Raise fic!

first rule of fight club

RWRB Fic. BAMF Henry! The jist? A guy punches Henry and Henry learns how to fight so it doesn't happen again.

Baby Mine

RWRB Fic. Kid fic. Henry and Ellen bond over baby June! :D very very cutesy very very fluffy as kid fics should be!

Three Nights

RWRB Fic. Sequel to Three Days!

Rewrite the Stars

RWRB Fic. Amnesia Henry! Amnesia takes place during the polo match.

Desperado

Destiel Fic. Fix it where Dean doesn't die and they retire. Of course Cas gets saved... what do you think I am a monster??

Kiss The Angel

Destiel Fic. Jack goes to the empty to save Castiel. Makes a deal with the Empty that Dean will reciprocate Cas love confession (with the catch of him not remembering Cas' confession) by the time the sun sets on the third day... or the Empty can have him too. Yes its a Little Mermaid themed fic :)

Make it Better

WangXian Fic. 5+1 fic. Five times LWJ uses WuJi on WWX and one time WWX uses it on LWJ! :)

Drunk XiChen Fic

WangXian Fic. Because one drunk Twin Jade of Lan is not enough apparently.

(boy, I am killing it with these summaries... I KNOW!)

Practical Cultivation

WangXian Fic. A Practical Magic themed fic! :)

Sympathy For the Devil's Spawn

Lucifer Fic. Season 6 fix it! Rory is stuck in a hell loop (the whole she goes back to confront her dad, makes him "abandon" her, rinse and repeat BS that was the series ending) but in reality he was there and a part of her life and HAPPY, but she thought she ruined his life by being born so she goes to hell to learn about him and gets trapped in a hell room :)

just a little while

Gallavich Fic. Gallavich take Liam after the series finale and are amazing uncles to Franny and Frank! its just a cute fic with some angst! I will finish it soon i SWEAR

IDEAS!

Arthur POV

RWRB Fic. probably will be a 5+1 of Arthur finding out about his cancer and spending time with his family up to the end. or something sappy shit like that!

The Puppy Trap

RWRB Fic. Yes another David fic with The Parent Trap theme!!

Henry and Oscar Fic

RWRB Fic. SOOOOOO what if they like bond over losing their dads.... that sounds bittersweet and delicious... right?? :)

Nutcracker Fic

RWRB Fic. @meraki-yao this one is for you! <3 and like... is self explainatory.

NoteBook Fic

RWRB Fic. Again self explanatory. Angst and angst and so much ANGST! but in a good way!

Practical Cultivation FirstPrince

RWRB Fic. I don't even know how to make this work... but I need to make this work!

Clap Your Hands If You Believe

WangXian Fic. Think how the kids bring Tinkerbell back to life... but make it WWX and restoring his golden core! :)

AAAND I think thats all... omg Imma have carpel tunnel from typing this!!!!

No Pressure Tagging: @onthewaytosomewhere @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @scripted-downfall and @taste-thewaste <3

[frankenstein-ate-my-left-shoe]

you mentioned maybe doing some destiel for the prompt thingy... 23 and 60 were giving me such dean vibes i would love to see you do more destiel stuff <3

hello, friend!! thank you so so much for requesting these!! i've literally never actually written any destiel stuff, so i really hope you enjoy! 🫶🫶

23 - “It’s hard to get used to…” “what is?” “Being someone that someone cares for…” 60 - “I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified to be honest.”

pairing: destiel | word count: 1,508 | rated: T

request a prompt from here!

Damn fuckass witches…they should all go straight to hell.

What lesson is he supposed to be learning anyway, it’s not like she gave him any sort of hint. 

…Okay, maybe she did, but it’s not Dean’s fault he wasn’t listening, it’s her fault for chanting her freakin’ curse after throwing him around like she did.

Make his ears ring then tell him the thing that could help break the spell? Not cool.

What the fuck ever, they’re back at the bunker now, the whole case being a dud anyway. That damn witch was behind the ‘ghost’ reports they had gotten, having just conjured one to keep people off her lawn. A classic Scooby-doo type.

Now the only things on Dean’s mind were to get the fuck back home (check), take a long-ass shower (heading there now), and avoid Cas like his life depended on it (…remains to be seen).

Cas being back at the bunker for a long stretch of time like this was a good thing, a great thing, really. He was finally back in one spot where Dean could keep an eye on him, make sure he’s okay for real. No phone calls, no prayers that go unanswered more than half the time, just Cas. Down the hall. Safe and sound. 

And that’s where the (current) problem lies.

Dean’s Cas Problem™ had been slowly building and burning and broiling under his skin for years now. Since that first goddamn meeting in that barn covered in ineffective banishing sigils.

It had to come to a head sometime, and Dean'd much rather that time be when he's not just recently been cursed to only tell the truth.

He successfully avoided the angel for about seven hours.

The next morning, when Sam was either already nose deep in research on Dean’s newest affliction or out -gag- jogging, Dean makes his way to the kitchen for some sustenance.

He’s hoping to be sneaky enough not to alert Cas to where he is, lest the angel try to cook for him again. 

Cas has been doing that a lot. Cooking. Said he found it to be ‘quite fulfilling’ even though all foods only ever ‘taste like molecules’ to him

The act never failed to throw Dean farther down the You’re totally in love with your best friend who’s an angel and also a dude hole he’s dug himself into over the years.

Food is Dean’s ultimate love language. Being given his favorite beer after a long hunt, a plate of homemade treats from the mom whose boy they’d saved, even just a simple slice of pie for lunch while on the road for a while? Astounding, amazing, perfection, 10/10.

It goes the other way too; he loves to cook for someone. It’s how he shows his love for the people around him. He likes just knowing exactly how much of each dumb rabbit food to add to the frankly enormous omelet he makes for Sammy every Saturday, or exactly how much lemon zest he should add to the blueberry pie for the elderly Ms. Aggie up at the grocery store.

Loves it.

So that’s why whenever the particularly gorgeous celestial being that’s taken over Dean’s heart cooks for him, he folds. Wants so badly to love the angel, be loved by him in return. But it’s the most frightening thing he’s ever come face to face with.

Sometimes Dean thinks the affections are returned, but even after all these years he still can’t quite read the full meaning behind anything Cas does.

For the Dean of Now, it’s a compounding problem that will go completely off the rails if Cas finds him in the kitchen.

He’ll find Dean there, insist that Dean ‘rest. You are only human.’, and take up making breakfast himself.

With this curse on him, Dean doesn’t want to even think of the possible things he’d admit to without wanting to.

So he prays (hah) that Cas is gone off somewhere else for just the moment, somewhere far far far away from the bunk—

“Good morning, Dean.”

Fuck.

‘Just keep your mouth shut, Winchester. Don’t make a sound.’

“How are you feeling?”

Dean grits out a simple “Fine.” He’s not lying, physically he feels perfectly fine if a little sore. “Maybe a little sore.”

Cas nods, “Were you about to make breakfast?” he asks, stepping past dean to the stove and turning on one of the burners.

‘Mouth shut mouth shut mouth shut–’

Luckily, Cas is facing away from him and doesn’t see his head nodding in betrayal.

“Dean?”

Dean’s response is slow, each word said very carefully. “I was, but now I am going to just have coffee.” Hey, it’s not a lie if he’s changed his mind.

Cas turns to face him. “Dean, humans cannot subsist on coffee alone. Shall I make you breakfast?”

“No, it’s alright Cas, really. I want coffee.”

A loud grumble emanates from his stomach the moment he stops speaking.

There’s a smirk on the angel’s face now. “Sounds like I should make you something.”

He turns back to the stove, reaching for and setting down a pan from the hook on the wall, and gets to work freakin’ caring and shit.

Dean can’t do much else but to sit back down at the table and wait for food to be made for him.

He can’t protest in the slightest because he really does want more than coffee. As soon as Cas said it the second time, Dean’s brain flipped from ‘Just Coffee’ to ‘Breakfast’ and wouldn’t flip back no matter what Dean thought. 

He couldn’t say anything to the contrary, couldn’t even shake his head ‘no’. All he could do was stare down the tabletop.

So, he stares and stares and stares at the wood in front of him, until the sight in front of him is changed from particularly swirly knot to honest-to-goodness breakfast smiley face. Eyes made of eggs and a salty bacon smile.

The look on his face must be positively tragic because Cas asks “Is something the matter? Did you want your eggs scrambled instead?”

Dean tries to keep the words at bay, his head shaking no for him.

“Then what is it—”

Dean doesn’t keep his mouth shut hard enough. “It’s hard to get used to…”

Cas is guiet for a moment and a half. “What is?”

“Being someone that someone cares for…”

Cas sets down the other plate he was holding, the green shit all over it giving away that it’s for Sam when he gets back, and sits down kitty-corner to Dean (who’s still staring down the same spot).

“Dean—”

Fuck. He’s let something slip and now all of it’s threatening to spill out after it.

“I’m so used to taking care of others, you know? It’s all I’ve ever known. Take care of Sammy, take care of victims, hell, even taking care of those few terrified spirits that don’t know they’re even doing anything wrong!

“I like to take care of people, I like making sure they have what they need, yeah? But whenever you’re around, you’re the one taking care of me.”

Cas nods, “I do, because I care fo—”

“And I don’t ever tell you how much I really appreciate it, hell, it’s what made me fall in lo—”

Dean snaps his mouth shut. Nope nope nope, not doing that. Never. Cas doesn’t need that shit.

“Dean?”

He finally looks up at the angel beside him. 

Cas’ brows are furrowed, his head tilted slightly in confusion, as if he’s trying his damndest to read Dean’s mind.

Dean’s eyes lock with Castiel’s and…

“I love you Cas.”

He can barely process the holy shit, I said it–god fucking mother— before his mouth is barreling onward. “I’m so in love with you, man, haven’t been the same since that night in the barn.

“I love you when you’re full angel, when you’re human; I loved you when you didn’t even know who we were, when you disappeared after the whole leviathan thing, when you went a little insane and became obsessed with bees…I’ve been slowly falling for you since we met, Cas.” He pauses for only a moment, and is off again in the next breath. “I’ve never felt this way before and I’m terrified, to be honest–” he chuckles sardonically at that, “as if I could be anything else right now.”

Cas’ eyes grow wide. “Dean—” his voice placating in tone.

‘Fuck, of course he’s not going to return the feeling; damn emotions, damn angels, damn motherfucking witches!’ 

“Hey, morning guys! That omelet for me?” Sam interrupts before Dean can be let down fully, loping into the kitchen all flushed and sweaty--ah, so a jog, then.

Dean huffs out a breath, scrubbing his face clear of the couple wayward tears that had snuck down his face. “Yeah, Cas made it for you.”

“Sweet, thanks Cas, I–whoa, Dean, what’s wrong?”

Dean clamps his lips shut once again, stands slowly, and walks out of the kitchen with a short pat to Sam’s shoulder.