#i suppose when comparing to shit i made when I was younger‚ and I actually had friends who cared about what I did was peak production

[squid--inc]

.

[oralmisery]

Dear the King of Hawkins

The Love Letters were a means of catharsis, a way for Eddie to bare his soul. In private. They were never supposed to be sent.

Especially the one to Steve Harrington.

Basically a To All the Boys I've Loved Before au💌

[ complete fic on ao3 ]

Rating: E | WC: 12,293 | tags: Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Happy Ending, Light Dom/sub, Dom Eddie, Sub Steve, One Shot, Porn with Feelings

When Steve sees the envelope he isn't sure what to think. It takes him a moment to even register who Eddie Munson is. In Steve’s circles, he’s usually referred to as “The Freak”. 

Munson is practically a permanent fixture of Hawkins high. A smear in the background, here to blemish Steve’s senior year since he flunked his own. If it's not Munson then it's some other oddly dressed weirdo. There's always people like that. The outcasts, the dregs, the ones you ignore. Except Munson. He’s pretty hard to ignore when he’s standing on lunch tables and being generally obnoxious. It's probably why there's so many rumors about him. Well that and being one of the only sources for drugs in town, Munson squeaks out of most beatdowns; what people can't punch they talk shit about.

People say all sorts of things. Satan worshiper. Nerd. Loser. Trash. Creep. Dangerous. Freak. Steve’s not sure how he can be a nerd and dangerous at the same time but he doesn't give it much thought. He's never even spoken to the guy. Tommy always got the weed on the rare occasion they wanted to smoke. 

That's why getting a letter from him was weird. It came in the mail. The mail. Mixed in with bills and coupons. It has a stamp, a little American flag. There is no reason for the guy to reach out to Steve, especially through the postal service.

Dear the King of Hawkins,

I'm sure every day is a sunny one when it's spent on a throne and under a crown. The way you walk these halls no one would believe otherwise. Everyone around you–drawn to your wealth, your looks and confidence–are just subjects turned fools. Led equally by charm and wrath. I wonder what it would be like to be favored in your court? To sit at your side, shoulder to shoulder, instead of distanced by so much more than just space? I can only piece together a flawed fantasy. A distorted image made from the glimpses I get from outside the castle gates. Assuming I’m even considered part of the kingdom, that is.

What the fuck is this. Steve snickers, did the freak send him a sad hate letter? Maybe to everyone in school? Tommy was going to have an absolute riot when he showed him, maybe they can compare letters.

I hope you at least know my name, Hawkins being as small as it is. You've never once looked at me like you actually see me. I know because I can't stop looking at you. Even though you're an entitled asshole, I happen to agree with what anyone with eyes can see. You are so beautiful I think they need to make a new word for it.

Alarms start ringing in his ears. He scans that last line over and over. No matter how many times he reads it, it doesn't change. He checks the front of the envelope to make sure it's really from Munson.

I wasn't surprised when you received your royal title. You’ve always had a way of commanding attention. Inspiring people to follow you blindly with enduring loyalty. I noticed it when I first moved here. I joined the 5th grade class halfway through the school year and everyone already knew each other. I was alone and scared shitless. I know you don't remember but that first week you invited me to a game of tag on the playground. You were genuinely nice, funny even. You made me feel like I could actually have friends here. Then Tommy returned to school after having the flu and we never talked again. I still remember your grin though, you had a tooth missing on the bottom row. Sometimes I see hints of that kid now, usually when you're talking up girls. I've got this sadistic urge to see your smile with a few teeth missing, just to compare you with your younger self. Which is entirely plausible with the fights you get into, but I fear the temptation to kiss you better will be too much.

He's right, Steve doesn't recall that at all. He's trying in vain to remember, but his memory has never been great and he's coming up blank. Can't even imagine Munson as a little kid, probably without his signature long hair. Nobody describes Steve as nice and actually means it. He skips over the word kiss because it’s giving him a terrible stomach ache. He drops into a chair and sets the letter on the kitchen table so the sweat on his palms doesn't smudge the paper.

Ya know, while I agree with the king stuff, I much prefer “The Hair”. Talk about temptation. Your hair haunts me. It makes my brain stutter, I want to simultaneously pet it softly and pull it out of your skull. I get why people used to give locks of hair as mementos. If I had a piece of yours, I'd twirl it around my fingers, imagining what I could do to the source. I want to see those brown waves messy, tug on them until your head looks like a bird nest. I want to see your hair spread out on my sheets. I want to find strands of it on my jacket, in my van, and clogging my shower drain.

It's hopeless, this infatuation. Fucking terrible in all honesty. You're a distraction I can't afford. I'm pretty sure I failed history last semester solely on the fact that you chew pens. It's a cruel combination; wandering attention and a vivid imagination. With the amount of times I've pictured you stretched around my cock, fingers, and tongue I can almost recall you clenching down on me like a real memory. I imagine opening you up real slow until you're begging for it with tears dripping down your face. The background changes like flipping through channels on a TV. Over the hood of your stupid car, Mrs. O'Donnell desk, the picnic table behind the school, anywhere that has a surface really. I probably imagine us most in my bed though. 

Steve’s stomach twists and revulsion burns his throat. It's fucking gross, Munson is a guy . And why the hell would Steve be the receiver in all this? Unwanted, graphic images play behind his eyes. He can't help it, the letter is descriptive. He can feel cold metal on his stomach and wood chafing along his back. Taste phantom salt from tears. He reaches up to run a jittery hand through his hair but aborts the gesture midway when he thinks about Munson wanting to do the same exact thing.

He considers just ripping up the letter without reading the rest but sick curiosity stops him. Like peeking out between fingers to watch a scary movie.

If it was just lust I could handle it. Teenage hormones and all that. But it's deeper than that, more than sex, I want you to look at me like everyone looks at you, like a king. It's horribly cliché but I want you to call me baby and hold my hand. Most of all I want to show you that someone cares about you because I'm worried you don't know that. There's this look on your face when no one else is watching, like you're not here but you want to be. Like you're waiting for something that's not coming. I think it's loneliness. Heaven knows I've felt it enough to recognize it. Maybe that's why I'm still harboring this torch for you even though it’s pointless. I wish I had the chance to make you happy, to take care of you and erase the word abandonment from your vocabulary. Even now, through the crowd, in the bleachers, the other side of the cafeteria, across the entirety of this shitty town, you're not alone because I'm there loving you every second of the day.

Yours,

Eddie Munson

A drop of liquid falls onto the paper, right next to Eddie’s signature. It knocks Steve out of his mental spiral and he reaches up to wipe at his eyes. He didn't even realize they were leaking tracks down his face. 

you're not alone because I'm there loving you every second of the day.

What the fuck is this. Eddie “the freak” Munson is in love with him? What's more upsetting is Steve’s gut reaction; he doesn't deserve it. This level of devotion. He suddenly sees himself from an outside perspective. He's not a good person. There's an inherent reason why his parents are gone most of the time, his friends are mean and shallow, and he jumps from girl to girl. There’s something lacking in him that drives people away, unless he–what were Munson's words?– leads with charm and wrath .

How does Munson know he's lonely when Steve didn't even know? It's mortifying to put an actual word to the feeling. That his efforts to surround himself with people, the “right” people, have apparently meant fuck all. He must look so pathetic to Munson, a deadbeat loser, who sees through him like glass.

What’s the guy’s deal? Why did Munson even send this? What does he expect from Steve? He wrote the words himself. Hopeless. Pointless . There's no ask to meet up, not even a request for an answer. He just drops this bomb into Steve’s life and expects to make a quiet exit? Just wants Steve to know he's loved for the sake of it? That’s dramatic even for the freak. The guy spends too much time doped up if he thinks he's going to flay Steve open and get away with it.

Yours,

Eddie Munson

Steve traces over the word Yours, with a finger. He’s going to get answers. 

[ continue reading ]

[honeii-puff]

So me and my friend had a debate and it made me realize how you can see which characters are favored by the creators by how much of their backstory (how the grew up, what happened before s1, their family lives) we know of them.

For this, im going to be using characters that got introduced in S1, as they have had the most time to be added onto (almost a decade), plus Max as a shoe-in.

This list would be: The Byers(+el), the Wheelers, The Hendersons, the Sinclairs, the Mayfields, and the Harringtons.

The Byers:

Joyce married Lonnie and had Jonathan and Will before separating (I don't remember explicitly why, probably because he was a piece of shit). Jonathan and Will live with Joyce with no visitation from Lonnie, and are very close. Joyce isn't the most stable parent, so Jonathan helps around, kind of co-parenting Will. El grew up in the lab, and we see all the stuff that happens when shes younger, which makes sense since she is the main face of the show, so she's kind of exempt from this list.

The Wheelers:

On the outside, they're seen as the perfect suburban family, but in reality, Karen and Ted are in a loveless marriage, especially proven in s3 when Karen is having a weird relationship with Billy. The Wheeler siblings have a normal sibling dynamic of shouting and a love-hate relationship, with (this mainly applying to Nancy) the pressure of having to hold up the "perfect family" image.

The Mayfields:

Max's mom married Billy's dad when Max was young (I dont know if they mentioned what happened to her dad or if i just forgot), after Billy's mom had died. They lived in California until they were introduced in s2. Billy's dad is physically and verbally abusive, which has influenced Billy's actions towards Max. After Billy's death, we know that Billy's dad left, and that Max's mom isn't in a good mental state, leaving Max to take care of herself while also coping with her brother's death.

Now lets compare that to what we know about the Hendersons, the Sinclairs, and the Harringtons:

The Hendersons:

Dustin's dad isn't in the picture (we dont know why), and his mom likes cats.

The Sinclairs:

Lucas has both of his parents, who are in a loving relationship, and he has his sister Erica, who he has a generic sibling relationship with.

The Harringtons:

Rich background, Steve's parents are never around, but it's never expressed as to what his relationship with them is like. (Ik he wasn't meant to be a main character and he was supposed to die in s1, but its been a decade, they could have added onto it at any time)

We can also see this in how their trauma affects them

El and Will both have similar "im the freak" mindsets, which gives them the struggle of being able to make new friends and expand their circle. They also have a lot of trauma from the upside down, and El unknowingly blocked memories of what happened with 001 due to how traumatic they were.

Mike was bullied his whole life, which does reflect in his character, making him quick to react to situations rather than analysing them before responding. His trauma doesn't come from his family, but from other people he has been around. With both him and Nancy, it is shown that they both struggle with telling people that they care about "I love you" (Nancy with Steve, Mike with El), probably from seeing how "love" affected their parents.

Max's mental health had a steep decline after loosing Billy, and it is explicitly shown and a large part of her character in s4, so that one needs little explanation due to how blatantly obvious it is.

Now, Dustin, Lucas, and Steve have all been dealing with the Upside Down just as long as the others have been (besides Max), and little trauma is shown from it.

Dustin and Lucas were both bullied like Will and Mike were, yet it doesn't seem to actually affect their character like it has for Mike and Will. Both also have their share of events happening with the Upside Down.

Steve did go through a character arc, but we don't see how trauma has affected him, especially since he seems to be the shows punching bag. He got tortured by russians, almost got shot by his ex, has gotten into fight after fight for these kids, and got dragged to the bottom of the lake by his ankles and proceeded to get strangled and attacked by bats.

And none of them seemed to be affected by any of it.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

If there are any other ST characters you want an analysis on, send an ask!

[rocksibblingsau]

The TBT got me thinking about the movie's writing again, so here's some thoughts. Clay being the only one to get an on-screen apologize doesn't make any sense narrative wise.

When you look exclusively at what's implicitly canon (so no 'he was at the tree that whole time' headcanons, even if they make some sense), Clay is the least in need of apologizing compared to the other three. Bruce is slightly more in need of apologizing than him because he was the second eldest and second to leave, but this point is not about him, it's about how it should have been either JD or Floyd (ideally it would be all of them apologizing actually, but again, not about that rn)

John Dory is practically the main force behind the movie's plot and emotional conflict, so we're talking about him first. John Dory in the movies, well, he kinda sucks a lot of ass. During the Brozone days, he was very bossy, overbearing, lowkey emotional/verbally abusive and the first to leave them all while being the oldest and implied to be their only caretaker outside of their elderly grandma. And even though some people give Clay and Bruce shit for how they behaved towards JD during the Rhonda fight scene, they were RIGHT, he was being bossy and a dick during that scene, and while all the bros were at fault about how they treated Branch during it, he was also the worst of them (like he was the only one who not only denied they would stay together after saving Floyd, but also actually made fun of Branch for even thinking so). And that is without mentioning how he got the the three of them trapped later in the film in the stupidest way possible.

This is NOT to say that he is some kinda of unredeemable abusive monster, no, even if its not said out loud in the movie, its left pretty implicit that he had his reasons for acting the way he did and that he was under a lot of stress himself running the band and caring for his 4 younger brothers while likely being a kid himself during the Brozone days. BUT, after all that, it feels so strange to have the time for one singular apologize apparently and to not give it to HIM of all people. He giving Branch the lead during the Family Harmony is the only thing he does that implies he changed his way after ALL of that, even Venner gets more redeemable qualities than that!

It just makes his storyline feel incomplete honestly, like the movie only bothers to drop slight hints that this man doesn't completely suck and then turns around and both doesn't build up further on those hints AND doesn't make him do anything to redeem himself with Branch and any of his other brothers.

And if for whatever reason it wasn't going to be John, why not Floyd??? I don't even care that much that we don't get a reason for why Floyd never went back, its kinda even implied that he never intended to come back and was just trying to comfort Branch by lying, but again, if you're going to set aside time for one-on-one apologizes after everything is set and done, why not use it for tying up one of the main story points set in the begging of the movie.

Is like they even forgot that they set up Floyd promising to come back and never doing so, because as far as I remember (could be wrong tho), after the introduction, Branch only refers to Floyd as "the only one who said goodbye". With for Branch's character makes sense really, but for the narrative feels plain unsatisfactory. It sets time aside to set up out loud that something was supposed to happen and it never did (crucially affecting the trajectory of the main character's life) and it just... never brought up again. No excuse, no Im sorry for that actually, no anything. Instead we get Clay, which in the movie, has no special relationship or plotline with Branch compared to the rest whatsoever, being the one that gets to have on-screen closure. Why?????

In conclusion, the movie could have an 100% better script and tighter emotional conclusion if they had just let the writers have two even ONE extra rewrites. But not, instead we get two plotlines that likely will never get resolved because got forbid this franchise actually has a proper continuity between films yippeeeeee

(Im truly sorry for this ramble, I just have too many thoughts and too little friends that even know what Trolls are, and by too little I do mean actual zero. Hope you enjoyed it at least, if not, Im sorry again)

I agree that Clay was the one Troll who had a good reason he never got to go back and visit or anything. It was definitely weird that he was the only one who apologized for never getting to see Branch grow up, but I think it says a lot about his character that he did.

[goblinhoursinsomniaramblings]

more vladclone au bullshit because why not

Part one here

-the clone (tentatively still thinking of him as MJ as a shorthand for Masters Junior without blatantly being such a diminuitive) starts out fully intending to do what's asked of him. it takes the commute to Amity Park to realize he's expendable--and that his 'father' is already distancing himself from the concept his clone is actually another him. still, what does that leave for him?

-he has memories, knowledge, reflexes from original vlad, but the memories only feel real up to his body's age of 15, when his progenitor was a nerd in the 70s--and those memories are lonely as hell. everything else feels like stories told to him, with occasional flashes of actual emotional involvement. the clone finds himself awkward, anxious, and deeply suspicious of others' intentions compared to Vlad 'senior' and his ruthlessly constructed image.

-conversely, he doesn't have Vlad's obsessions. where Vlad is a shambling collection of malignant coping mechanisms in human form, the clone is free of them, even if he is predisposed to them. particularly the obsession for love, which manifests hugely towards Danny.

-(potential scene related to previous point:

Vladclone to Danny

"I was made for you! Literally! I was made for you, and I don't care that it was to trick you and lie to you, you're the reason I exist, and if this is what he felt towards Maddie then I get why this drove him crazy!")

-Vlad and Vlad Junior have an increasingly antagonistic relationship because Vlad is a control freak and his supposed son realizes that he's not only expendable, he's a loose end once he finishes his 'mission', which makes him deeply uneasy when Vlad tries to tighten the reins as though he's not someone he can trust to his own ends. this just gets worse the more Vlad the younger realizes he's untrustworthy because he's Vlad's clone.

-(another potential scene:

"You can't be calling me all the time! They're already suspicious that you sent me here! I told you, it'll happen when it happens, 'dad'!"

"I can hear those air quotes you pompous little--")

-him and Danny annoy the shit out of each other at first because Danny immediately clocks him as a rat while really he is being as honest as possible with Danny, and the Clone Vlad is increasingly frustrated because he is trying to avert a scheme here, work with him!

-he's gawky and awkward as a human, but he was created as a half-ghost and able to use a lot of Plasmius' powers out of the box. he's basically a younger Plasmius and is a lot more comfortable when he has the option to float

-he and Danny finally start connecting to each other when they start sharing common experiences as adolescents and halfas, and help cover for each other.

-the confrontation with Vlad is ugly. self loathing meets an external target that just tricked his way into range to fuck up his clone lab. Danny only just makes the save.

-clone vlad gets hit hard by an Obsession targeted at Danny, but is a lot healthier and less possessive about it than Vlad towarxs Maddie, but he also knows he could easily have that happen if he doesn't watch himself.

-Danny's kinda excited he has a half-ghost friend now. at points he even sounds like when Jack talks about Vlad, especially if they pull off something cool together. huh. wonder if there's anything to unpack there...

[sanzu-sanzu-sanzu]

sae

i think that more than sae’s switching from striker to midfielder what’s sadder for me upon knowing the bit that we now know of the itoshi backstory (note: through rin’s pov) is the whole fact that sae had to go through it all while being in an entirely different country. at 13 years old. completely by himself. apart from having to face this huge wake-up call regarding his skill level with regards to the world’s, he also had to deal with the crushingly different environment, language, culture, and people. no way that those did not affect his getting the results that he wanted.

this got me thinking that, even though (i’m guessing) the more widely accepted reading right now is that sae’s got his ego crushed, i also feel there’s another possible explanation for sae’s extreme bitterness regarding japanese football. (yes, it’s extreme, he doesn’t even wanna be associated with it!) japan propped him as their ‘striker’ because in a way he was the closest thing they had to a striker. and then he gets to play in a world-class setting and realizes that japan was not developing his true talent at all, which could mean two things:

1) the football he grew up playing prioritized teamwork more than the individual (and this is exactly what ego jinpachi is railing against when he started blue lock) and so this mentality hampered his striker motivations/his ego. 

2) sae realizes that they were blowing smoke up his ass because they wanted him to be that striker, when they actually didn’t know what a striker was or was supposed to be; and hence he’d lost some precious time training, instead, for the role that fit his skill-set better: being a midfielder.

because sae’s the kinda guy who sets unforgiving standards—even and especially to himself—in pursuing his goals, standards that even made him recognize the brutal realism that he isn’t fit for best striker in the world, hence his laser focus on being best midfielder instead. he’s not gonna waste his perfect passes on strikers that are unable to score, he’s not gonna waste his energy on a team that won’t be able to keep up with him, and he’s not about to waste his time and his future in a country, in a football, that’ll waste his potential. if someone like him finds out that his time was wasted that way, of course he’s gonna be furious and unforgiving. (not that it’s too late now, but he could’ve started earlier, you know what i mean..)

it’s no wonder the ideals and philosophy of blue lock appealed to him then (whereas the current japanese football federation could eat shit as far as he’s concerned lol) especially with their focus on the assertion of one’s ‘ego.’ the insistence that your football shouldn’t have to depend on a teammate/your team/someone else to be great, because you yourself should have that power, the confidence/ego, and the skill to back it up. sae, anri, and ego are probably all in the agreement that these are the vital things that could help a japanese football player in the world stage.

i always thought it fascinating how there seem to be some parts in the story wherein ego (or even anri) would be explaining something, a blue lock principle or whatever, as if he were speaking to or referring to sae, even without sae being mentioned or shown in the page. blue lock is for players like sae (and oliver aiku, and many others that came before) as much as it is for the younger, much more ‘unpolished gems’ like rin, isagi, barou, etc. 

i also think that while the sentiment (throughout blue lock maybe) seems to be that the striker is the best position of all and that everything else: meh, and that sae is somewhat of a tragic character for ‘settling’ on being a midfielder, i hardly think it’s tragic. it’s fair to think so (because plot) but it’s really not so bad, considering there’s many midfielder stars out there in the world, too. nowhere in the story did it also say that sae couldn’t compare to the strikers of the world; he only said that the world is filled with amazing players, and that he wants to become the top midfielder in the world not because he lost to strikers...i mean, seeing him play, his scoring ability is very much still top notch even for a midfielder. he simply has very high standards, so if he’s at his best in his passing, he wouldn’t be expecting any less from a scorer.

the striker being the like ‘main character’ in the team (according to blue lock) is not a bad thing, though—i mean they are the principal scorers so they kind of are in a way lol—because for the purposes of ‘reseting’ their current football landscape and mentality, that’s kind of important. i guess blue lock is like, we’re all about building the no. 1 striker because it’s what japan needs at the moment, but it goes without saying that the other positions are just as important, too.

[shaywrites-ifs]

Can we get more info on MC and the dynamic with their family members before everything ? Is MCs mom still alive ?

Thank you for your interest in the story! Honestly, as I love family feels, I've absolutely thought too much about MC's family.

Duchess Mavar died when the Marked was the equivalent of a toddler. It was a difficult time for the entire family. As stated here, she did not grow up as a noble or within the courts. She grew up with parents that were present to parent her and her siblings, and while she knew that wasn't completely reasonable as the Duchess, she still tried as best she could to do that for her children. The twins do end up retaining some vague, fond memories of her, and the trauma of losing a parent as somebody so young.

Fabian, as a father, is not always the best. He can be emotional distant. He's not the type of father to hug his children, give kisses, and read bed time stories to them. He is the type of father to have high expectations of his children- which this is one of the sore points for MC. As they get older, they very much notice the difference between them and their siblings and it becomes one of their driving points. Still, he does care for his children. They are protected and have all the support to reach the goals he puts in front of them. Plus- he's the one that demanded MC live, and he stopped at nothing to make sure his baby made it.

The twins have an elder sibling. Think something like the twins being 7-10 years younger than him, but elf years. He transitions while the twins are kids (choosing the magical rite versus the surgical method, seeing as he had the privilege to have easy access to such). He is considered the Perfect Golden Child. He meets every goal set for him by Fabian, and exceeds in many. Still, he adores and dotes on the twins when he can- he ends up eventually being away quite a lot. He has an easier time dealing with Fabian, especially being older and growing up with Vanille as the mediator for him and Fabian, so he attempts to do the same for the twins. To subtly play the intermediary to ease tension in the house. He adores his siblings, but MC can have complicated feelings about him (which, as they get older, he'd have less patience for). Resentment and jealousy can be a heady brew. Best friends with the Empire's Heir, which maybe doesn't help those complications.

There is also the Marked's uncle. He is Fabian's younger brother. Jolly, in comparison, and much more unassuming. He took up position within the Temple, and rose ranks there. People tend to underestimate him, especially compared to Fabian, but he is just as ambitious as the rest of the Mavar's, and can be very manipulative. He ends up taking the Marked under his wing, as MC finds that they are limited in Court, but there is a path for their ambitions through the Temple (helps if MC is also religious, but that's up to the player). He is a good mentor, and cares for MC, but perhaps also enjoys that MC's success are his (until shit hits the fan).

World Information:

Theoretically, the Temple shouldn't be related to the politics. However, the Commandment, the head of the Temple and the Voice for the Neptunizal and His Spirits, is actually the one figure to actually have similar power as the Emperor. And while priests, bishops, and maidens, and the like are supposed to put their loyalty to the Temple first, many come from influential families and the lines have gotten very muddy. If push comes to shove, they have to choose the option of whatever puts the Temple first, but good players of the court know how to not get put in that position.

[ehhh2000]

Tekken 8 - Anti Reina Mishima Stamp(Rant) Huge Tekken 8 Spoilers!

This is gonna piss off Reina fans, but just a friendly reminder..... this is my opinion. If you love her, go on a page that praises her. You won't get it here. Alright here goes.

I was playing Tekken 8 at my friend's house. It was a fun time, and the story has improved from Tekken 7 (with the bland, monotone narrator gone, thank god) and..... Tekken 6 (ugh!) but has a few flaws.

The biggest flaw which almost ruined Tekken 8 for me, was this character, called Reina Mishima.

This is without a doubt, one of the most poorly written female characters I have ever seen in my entire life.

You mean to tell me that Lucky Chloe gets shit from Tekken fans, but Reina Mishima gets a free pass? WTF? I mean I am not a fan of Lucky Chloe (ok her character design is cute, but she is abusive AF to Eddie T.T) but at least she wasn't a forced and contrived, plot device character like Reina, and is just a dumb troll character from the creator, as a middle finger to their haters that really hated her guts.

Like you think Rey from Star Wars, Disney Remake Mulan, Bella Swan, or Captain Marvel were bad?

Well, that is nothing comparred to this DeviantArt OC, Mary-Sue reject.

So Reina is the daughter of Heihachi Mishima. (Oh, so we are doing the Lars Alexandersson plot-twist, from Tekken 6 again, in 2024... aka lazy, repetitive writing for Tekken 8 when it comes to introducing new characters... got it 👍) 

My issues with her that makes her a poorly written character is that:

-She is a flawless fighter, like Disney remake's Mulan bad. I know she is suppose to have flawless fighting moves like Heihachi, but good god, this is just embarrasing.

Edit: Ok, I understand that it is a fighting game, and the Mishima's are suppose to be powerful, badass fighters, so Reina should be no exception. Fair enough. I still think she is a self-insert character because she was just thrown into the story, with no buildup or references from previous games (Same issue I had with Lars in Tekken 6 btw, he just exists to replace Jin as a MC, and they made him a Mishima to make him more relavant, instead of him just standing out on his own as a character. I don't hate Lars btw, he has a cool character design, but the hair is riduclous, and I felt indifferent towards him at first, but now I kinda see him as a potential father figure to Jin in Tekken 8.)

-She is trying too hard to be a hardcore, edgy, tomboy, cool-looking version of Asuka, so I will call her the poor man's Asuka Kazama.

-Her character design and oufit is uninspired and too modern for my liking (Black boots, black short-shorts and A black and purple hoddie, huh.... how creative... -_-) oh and short black hair and purple streaks to add to the edgy, tomboy look. (Or the Karen look as I like to call it ^^)

-She is younger than Jin Kazama, YOUNGER! Despite being Jin's aunty. Yes, you heard correctly. I think the creators wanted a self-insert character to have some sort of sex appeal, which is why they made her look younger and prettier, and show off her legs (which gives me the ick.) And her calling Jin "Senpai" didn't help either.

(I also didn't like the fact the creators made Kazumi Mishima and Jun Kazama look younger than their own sons, like what is wrong with looking a bit older, mature and graceful? I actually want to see a badass, old lady in Tekken that can fight! Kazumi felt like a missed opportunity in that sense.)

-She manages to beat the shit out of Kazuya in her ending, despite her looking like a twig. Reminding me too much of something out Inuyasha, when that abusive, unbearable, bratty, girl Kagome would do the same thing to her love interest Inuyasha, for comedy! 🙄

I will admit that Kazuya is a shitty father (Sorry fans 😭 don't kill me) at least Kazuya has flaws, he is a damaged man, blinded by hatred, rage and has an obssession with power, like it's a drug to him. A wrathful devilman, but not completely heartless, otherwise he would just be another mini Heihachi.

Reina has no flaws, no personality, no interesting backstory and is just a pathetic Jerk-Sue Character (a Mary-Sue that is a Jerk, with no consequences for her actions.)

-She is also not a good plot-twist character either, again, she just ripped off Lars' backstory, so there is no originality from her.

-And to add to the cherry on top, when it comes to her being a poorly written, fanfic-styled Mary-Sue character, she is also....... a devil! 😈 Unless if it is revealed that she is Kazumi's daughter or something, then why the hell does she have to devil gene? And she wants to be the new Heihachi, huh? Wait till she finds out that Heihachi is the OG devil hater.

Terrible twist, terrible story, and a terrible first impression of Reina. 🤬 Fuck this character!

[monocle-teacup]

I already made a post addressing this, but I'm making another one.

For the record, my main problem with S2A wasn't the Cons being Cons thing. They didn't fight Mandroid at the end of S1 out of the goodness of their sparks. THEY KNEW IT MEANT DEATH IF MANDROID WON. Also, Starscream literally talked about looking forward to beating the shit out of Megatron. The problem I do have with the Cons will be Cons thing is that S1 pushed the whole "Humanity is unreasonable about having a problem with TFs" thing only to go and prove Mandroid's point that TFs are dangerous. No that doesn't mean they need wiped out. Another thing that annoys me is the show's insistence that the world was in danger from Mandroid when it very much wasn't.

Part of my main issue with the show post S1 is how vapid the writing is compared to S1. It has a very "OOOOH SHINY!" short attention span vibe to it with the way it wants to go to the next action or humor bit as quickly as possible. The best example of this is when Mo and Hashtag are evading the Dwellers and the focus keeps switching between that and the Malto Family Dance Party. It's freaking bizarre and seems like a way for the show to eat up run time. Now before you say, "But it's a kids show!" Rescue Bots was for a younger audience than ES and I LOVED it!

The other issue I have is that S2A was mostly The Robby and Mo Show. I have no problem with kid characters in TF shows. The TFP kids, Cody and Frankie from RB, and Alexis from Armada/Micron Legend. Robby and Mo just aren't compelling to me since they rely on the sleeves way too much and I don't find Robby likable. Mo is okay.

A selling point of ES was that it was supposed to be about a new subspecies of Transformers. The S3 trailer only focusing on Prowl and the hate plague is actually smart marketing on Hasbro's/Paramount's part. I'm sticking around because I'm curious to see how the rest of the show plays out. That, and maybe there will be another Mandroid reference.

[desire-mona]

for those that are blissfully unaware, tiktok is becoming the new 2014 tumblr in terms of eating disorders and trends that revolve around trying to make people insecure about normal human body parts. can't pinpoint exactly when it started, im theorising around when y2k started to come back in fashion. but it's gotten to a point where people are outright putting a heavy emphasis on the fact that being skinny is superior? i guess?

influencers are posting about their horrendous diets in the form of "what i eat in a day" videos, but some go as far as to outright talk about their disordered eating in a glamorous way while doing their makeup and showing off their body.

the parts of the body that these people deem as ugly are frankly shocking for lack of a better word. people have been making up insecurities about the most mundane, essentially universal features of the human body. im not even sure how to word this because it's so ridiculous to explain out loud (im using voice to text rn). to name a couple: nose gap, which is the space between the bottom of your nose and your top lip (there should be a space there, by the way.) strawberry legs, which are the dots on your legs where the hair follicles are? im not even entirely sure because its just something on my body that ive never paid attention to.

the "micro insecurities" have gone so far that somebody essentially made the "toothpasting" of the modern day?? LMAO 

during a rant video, @ superkeara made up (what was intended to be) a hyperbolic version of one of these pseudo-insecurities, dubbed "vuvuzela arms." vuvuzela arms are when the top of your arm is bigger than your forearm, also known as how an arm works, that was the joke. but people took it seriously, not in that they straight up missed the joke, but more the fact that shit in this vein is so inherently ridiculous that it fit in with its more genuine counterparts. and i would find it much more funny if it weren't something that people actually found a way to be insecure about. i generally like tiktok as a platform but its main user base is becoming concerning.

to add: people also make videos saying that "we need to normalise (whatever pseudo insecurity they're talking about)" or "(whatever pseudo insecurity they're talking about) is sexy" which i suppose is vaguely better because they're encouraging people to like these parts of themselves? but at the same time, please stop making a thing of something that is nowhere even close to the blast radius of a thing.

i've known about the re-rise of eating disorder culture and fatphobia on tiktok for a bit over a year now, but i wasnt actually aware of how deeply ingrained its become, especially among kids. even with ozempic specifically, i thought it was a lot less mainstream and stayed within the sphere of LA influencers with podcasts. but no, random teenagers (and potentially younger) are trying / wanting to go on blood thinners to get skinnier.

if any of my following spends a majority of time on tiktok and sees these videos as something to take to heart: please don't listen when beauty influencers tell you that a part of your body is something that needs to be fixed. if you thought it was normal your entire life, and now somebody is making up a term to tell you that it isn't, youre probably the right one in this situation. a gap between your nose and your lips, dots on your legs, and whatever the fuck vuvuzela arms are, theyre all fine and should not be put on the same level as wisdom teeth or an appendix. 

and before anyone points it out, i know that fatphobia has never fully gone away, that much is obvious. but there is certainly a lot more now compared to 3-5 years ago, especially on tiktok, and ESPECIALLY targeted towards kids.

[lilithsaga]

15 Questions for 15 Friends

Tagged by @emery-matsushita-vt (Thank youuuuu~!)

Are you named after anyone?

Yes, I am named after the first and most well-known succubus, Lilith. It is a common name among succubi, as I also have a great grandmother with the same name.

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. I've always been a crybaby. But at least it was a good cry yesterday... from someone unexpected complimenting my writing ability. 🥹

Do you have kids?

Hell no! I can't even take care of myself, let alone a kid. I'm not putting children through that.

What sports do/have you played?

Fencing... at least in University. Who doesn't want to stab people with swords? And the fencing community itself is actually really supportive and friendly. I actually met my current partner through fencing. (If you love someone, stab them with an epee) 🤺

Do you use sarcasm?

On occasion, but I don't think I use it often enough. When I was younger, I had a hard time understanding sarcasm and still struggle with it today every once in a while. It's just hard to tell sometimes whether a person is joking or being genuine/passive aggressive. When I use sarcasm, I try to go over the top with inflection to try and make it obvious I'm joking. Just want to make it easier for others.

What is the first thing you notice about people?

How they make me feel. I get this is supposed to be a physical description thing, but I usually won't pay attention to someone unless they have something that gets a reaction out of me. If they wear a shirt I like, I notice. If they successfully throw a ball of paper in the trash while yelling "Michael Jordan," I notice. If they like one of my comments online, I notice. All of those things make me feel joy and help me notice the person who did the thing. 😊

What's your eye color?

Purple 🟣

Scary movies, or happy endings?

Happy endings. Yeah, it's cliche, but I feel bad for people who don't reach a satisfying conclusion. And scary movies can be fun, but I watch them more for the story than the jump scares and grotesque aesthetics. It's great if a movie makes me uncomfortable with it's writing, but being uncomfy isn't something I like feeling.

Any talents?

None that I feel confident enough in to be deemed "Ultimate" or "Super High School Level" but I am able to write words on a page... so that's a thing, right?

Where were you born?

The American Underworld. To compare it to somewhere in the Overworld, I guess you could say I live in the Midwestern United States.

What are your hobbies?

Writing, video editing, gaming, listening to video essays, watching vtubers, reading fanfiction, daydreaming about random nonsensical things.

Do you have any pets?

Nope, never grew up with any and never felt comfortable taking care of one for the longest time. But my partner has a cat that I would protecc with my last dying breath.

How tall are you?

I am 5' 6" which is about average female height I think?

Favorite subject in school?

Creative writing. No surprise huh? English was okay, but other students made it disruptive and teachers focused more on sentence diagrams than actual storytelling.

Dream job?

I would love to do vtubing full-time, but don't think it will ever be realistic. I wish I had more time to write and create fictional worlds. But if I can't find the words, I also wouldn't mind video editing and slicing segments in a timeline to create a story that way.

.

..

...

Uhhh... oh shit! Now I have to tag 15 friends? Hmmmm... well Emery already tagged Tor and Axo... among others I know... *realizes I don't have a big friend group at all* uhhhhhh okay okay. I call upon the power of friends and mutuals!!

@yuzu-adagio @drakamut @azure-shades-of-blue @marvellovelacevt @draconick @slash-gallagher @vchuuberyl @overlord-jarvis @aurumatom @itsdracool @maidgamerclaire @saliferousanimations @moonfeatherblue @sisallacertavt @hatenayuri

Sorry if you've already been tagged or are not interested in doing these kinds of things! Totally allowed to ignore this! But I just think y'all are cool and deserve to let others know more about you if you wanna.

Thank you for reading!!

[n4talia-chaparro]

How can gpkrupp have a soft spot for Melvin when he tortures him?/gen because I thought gpkrupp didn’t have feelings

True- he was originally supposed to be a villain that doesn't have feelings or regret like any horror game characters (also inspired by puppet combo games ofc) and maybe may have some random villain trope into him.

His feelings are different compared to the original show Krupp.

(I mean I'm sure some people the whole inside-out reference in the show where Krupp had those weird personalities inside his damn mind?? I'm pretty sure gp!Krupp doesn't express that much of any emotion except for anger and intrusive towards any people or himself????? Idk I'm working on that actually)

Welp here we go again.

Trigger warning, again...: mention of cuts, bleeding, uh this one insult (?), etc cuz info dumping the AU and answering questions related to it is oddly weird but fun.

He may be a toxic and bad influence for Sneedly but since that fucker had a pretty fucked up history during his childhood, the man sees the kid as a younger version of him. (Ohh shitttt spoilllerrr/J /but srs)

- - -

he be going from: "You look just like me when I had your age and used to have glasses."

To: "Back in my day my mother used to punish me by carving lines to my wrist or legs and then hurt me in a fucked up way as possible to make me sick and bleed in front of everyone in the church as everyone laughs at my fresh cuts and wounds and getting strangled and tortured by god himself, still listening to the nuns and priest laugh at my suffering and cries. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'll do the same shit to YOU. I will keep hurting and damaging you mentally and physically cuz I love seeing you cry and bleed. I wanna hear you scream and beg for mercy until I get tired of your existence and use you as a stress toy to let out my anger towards you as a way to cope. I don't care if you are dying. I love watching you suffer and bleed."

And to THIS: "I don't care if I took all your IQ and made you retarded as fuck, since you wanna act like a nonverbal toddler or a dumb animal, I'll still harm you but at the same time I will adopt your ugly ass because you don't know how to take care of yourself and you are like a son to me and I don't know what else to tell describe to you, your ugly ass crossed eyes are filled with innocent and pure and it makes me wanna adopt you"

And then: "Well fuck I'm a dad now"

That is the cycle LOL.

it repeats the same thing over and over, my friend. Gp!Krupp doesn't know how to deal with Sneedly at the point he ends up adopting the kid and is unaware of the soft spot he developed throughout the whole damn storyline and how he just found out about it. 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️

[NOTE: Some characters are in the middle of development since I'm trying hard to improve the au to be "perfect"]

[catboygirling]

🛼, 🥤, 🔪, 🪲, and 🧩!! <3

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

sigh. to my fucking sorrow I've spawned in a new one very recently, so here you go... 💞🤝💖👑💍 it's funny, because in my head I consider this a Classic Damian Trope in terms of what kind of au it is, but I don't think I've ever posted this trope before? just daydreamed about it with every single fandom I've been in? (except fire emblem I guess, but it's kinda hard to make that kind of au with it because it basically is one already...) we'll see if I actually post this one I guess!

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

well YOU obviously bunni <5 okay actually Don't Bother Calling (I'll Call You) by FallacyFallacy is my favorite fanfic of all time. it's so good I don't even care that it's in first person, which would usually make me click off instantly. it's such a genuine exploration of being aromantic, how it feels to be perceived as allo when you aren't, it's SO SWEET it makes me want to cry every time I read it. which I do. a lot. even if you don't know shit about jughead jones it should be read by everyone 💖💖

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

bad question to ask me because I just forget shit allllll the time. hm... I guess I did do a lot of digging into appletinis relatively recently. I just needed to know about what kind of alcoholic drinks are made with apples for a totally normal reason.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

you bastard. I can't believe you'd do this to me. fine, I guess I'll jot something down in that same wip from the emojis...

Because what else was he supposed to do? He certainly wasn’t set to inherit anything himself, being fifth in line for the throne. And compared to the younger two younger than him, Beel was the strongest fighter their kingdom had ever seen, and Belphie could weasel his way into foreign social circles like it was what he was born to do. And what Asmo was born to do was to act as a bargaining chip for the ones in his family that were actually competent and knew how to run a kingdom, and be a good little concubine to whoever would take him.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

hmmm, I could say all the easy stuff like no paragraph breaks or ooc-ness... actually, whenever there's something too sexual that the tags don't warn for. listen, I'm sex-repulsed, but I've accepted that most people who aren't me get a little into (read: horny about) the pairings they write. whatever. I'm not here to police how people enjoy media. sometimes I even appreciate it, either for the intended reason or because it's really funny! but the least you can do is give me a warning! if I'm warned, I at least expect it. nothing fucking shatters my soul more than getting super hyped over a story only to realize it's going in a direct that will make me genuinely physically nauseous if I keep reading it. there's a reason I don't buy actual romance books anymore unless one of my friends have vetted it first. ugh. that's a really negative note to end things on. but whatever.

[bugdogg]

I think I'm done with them enough to post, so here's the playlists I made:

Mizuki's was harder to put together since I had to consider songs that match the way the present their self, and songs that match how they actually are and feel. (I fit songs that represent them, not things they'd really sing btw)

I kept adding and removing songs because I overthink a lot but the songs do fit them lyrically. Playlist is organized first with positive, energetic songs to match how they present their self. As it plays, the songs stay energetic but aren't as positive or optimistic and become aggressive lyrically, a lot of them somewhat being things Zuki would say to themself, Favorite Liar is a good example of this. Favorite Liar and Bitchboy are there mostly to fit with Akita as they grew up together, their tastes are pretty similar, except Mizuki changed a lot more which I'll explain eventually

The Flavor of a Cockroach is the song that I think really splits the playlist in half, the songs after that are more representative of Mizuki's true feelings and essentially them experiencing burnout, unable to keep up the act anymore. I don't wanna explain every song cause I think it'll be too much on one post but if you're curious, feel free to ask me I love answering questions.

Akita's playlist is also sorta messy but songs still all work for them. If I could use only The Oozes and Metric songs I probably would because they're perfect tone wise. Akita is very aggressive with their singing and has a hostile persona for their performances but as a person, they're blunt but very caring for others. They still occasionally pick fights like she and Mizuki did in their youth but she isn't as sadistic and see's brawls as pointless fun instead of a form of lashing out. (I gotta explain Akita for things to make sense cause I have never said a word about her despite thinking of her all the time)

Ugo is a song that's really about Akita's and Mizuki's relationship before Zuki split. The couple songs after that are things they'd sing but the lyrics are similar to the sorta story I have going on between Zuki and Akita. Akita was basically abandoned by Zuki when they were younger as they just disappeared one day and no one gave a shit about them gone except Akita. Mizuki left without saying a word and also avoided any form of contact from her as they convinced themself that she'd hate them for running. So Akita at some point joined a band and based some of the things they'd perform on actual feelings, and one day while traveling with the band to Japan, found Zuki (Mizuki actually found her and went to see her).

I'm skipping talking about Fahrradsattel and Wet for reasons. What You Waiting For? is where Akita and Mizuki meet again and Akita starts questioning why Zuki changed and seemingly became a nobody compared to the brutal fighter they once were, she doesn't understand why they became so different and hangout with people they'd both once considered weak and a waste of space (Akita is very harsh about things and immediately, she and the Matsus don't really like each other (and Totoko and Nyaachan very much despise her btw)).

Littlefang might be out of place there but it's a personal favorite of mind, I care about the song a lot and wanted to include it. It'd be a song Akita would perform (the actual character in this song is supposed to be a cat puppet but we're ignoring that for dog themed band reasons) the song as way of connecting with people ig, adding to the last songs, she doesn't wanna change herself to please others and wants others to believe it too (especially Mizuki). The song is very different from the bands usual thing but I like to think Mizuki's optimistic personality rubs off on her when she performs it and it ends up working out. (I just really like this song teehee <3)

I still don't wanna explain every song rn but if your curious about any choice, feel free to ask. I don't mind explaining story stuff and I like talking about these two dorks.

Ok rambling over, thank you if you read this or listened the playlists <3

[omegapheromone]

Oh my god I forgor to post about it bc I was too focused on getting back home and then cooling off from being outside in the sun but when I went to run errands (and picked up my drinks) but I had such a weird experience. Got hit on by a teenager. I'm assuming they must've been under 18 since they were lounging around on the entrance/doorway steps of a closed business front and in this weather, were they of drinking age, they would've likely been at a park or hanging out at a bar terrace instead. Plus the general demeanor and speech patterns kinda made me assume it too, and just as our lord and savior Gerard Way once said, Teenagers do scare the living shit out of me, actually. And I was very anxious!

Anyway, I was walking past them to the business next door from the closed one- they were chatting about whatever and I paid no attention bc honestly? My attention was 80% in trying not to get sweat in my eyes from my long ass hair, 10% in focusing on doing errand tasks, and the last 10% in actually getting from place to place. Iirc they were saying something and maybe commented on my appearance or something just between themselves, idk and honestly don't care either, I get weird looks enough to not mind people commenting or staring at this point. It was only really when I walked out and past them again after my errands that the one guy in the group (was like 3-4 teens, most of them girls and like one guy?) Kind of leaned forwards a bit and asked "hey what's your snapchat" (in common use here) loudly enough that I registered after like 2 and a half steps past them that he'd actually said it to ME, very obviously, because there was nobody else around and the girls were not sitting anywhere towards my direction. Of course at that point I was already well past them and continuing to walk away since it hit me with a delay but like.

I was REALLY contemplating on whether I should turn around and go, "geez kid, how OLD even are you, I'm pretty sure I'm literally ancient compared to you- what is this, granny-fetish weekly support group? Don't bother your elders like that" Or something once I realized he'd genuinely spoken to me, but at that point one of the girls laughed at him and said something along the lines of "(they) just skipped you like nothing lmfao" (again, honestly, I didn't, at any point, even look directly at them, neither when entering nor leaving the business next door, so I mean, she was right, I suppose?) And I figured to just let them sort their own stuff out, because kids, and also not my problem anyway. I was just running errands and minding my own business to begin with.

It wasn't rude or anything though, like there was no demanding or catcall-ish vibe, he just seemed to sort of? Be hitting on me at random and didn't do it in an uncomfortable or creepy way, I was just mildly taken aback when it happened because like, idk if I should feel honoured or not, that some 16-18y old kid would look at me and think I'm probably about their age, or if I should be worried that this is why I'm not having success in dating people I'm actually interested in, because I'm frequently seen as younger than I am. I suppose it's a compliment of some sort, but I can't help but feel sort of weird and uncomfortable about it. I'd guess that it was probably not a serious attempt at hitting on me, more likely just a dare from one of the girls or something. I'm quite used to that considering that used to be exactly the kind of shit my bullies pulled on me way back in elementary+secondary school, and now I date, according to my friends at least, "way below my own league" (very much in a joking tone, but I figure there's probably some truth in it too). Idk, I'm just rambling because I'm still not sure how to feel. If it WAS genuine, well- why? Was it because I wore short shorts with some frills at the legs? Or maybe just because I have some visible tattoos and piercings and look 'interesting'? Maybe it was the backpack for shopping that made me appear younger? Idk man. I just can't see WHY anyone would bother, I suppose. Especially when I was SUFFERING in the heat outside, I'm pretty sure I had sweat running down my neck and legs, and my hair was dripping with it + I was feeling super weak, like my legs were shaking and I was just Not Feeling Well. I definitely did not look cute, if anything my expression was probably that of someone who wanted to just get the hell back home as soon as possible, which was quite accurate. Idk. I just don't see any reason for why a kid would ask something like that unless it was one of those "hey ask that weird kid out as a joke" type pranks/dares.

[mister-snake]

It's crazy, but sometimes, it takes years to recognize you went through abuse as a kid. Maybe because as a child, you have a naïve and oversimplified view of the world. Also because your little kid brain managed to make you see the good in people as a defense mechanism. Because it's hard to take a step back when you're still so vulnerable, under the care of adults you're supposed to be able to rely on. When your very small social world revolves around the people who raised you for so many years, how are you supposed to see what's wrong. Maybe it's needed for some kids to idealize their caretakers, in order to survive, to be blind to the pain, to make what's not okay be okay, to be normal and find a way into happiness, Hell, even create one of their own.

I've come to realize that what was normal for me may seem abusive for someone else. And even just writing it down like that sounds inappropriate to me. Growing up as a kid and a teen, I got close to some people who had really terrible relationships with their parents and wider family. I heard it all, all that toxic crazy shit an adult could do to their own flesh, the one being they're supposed to look after, love and protect. That one woman I remember the most of would hit her child with a fucking frying pan, tell her to die, that she was unwanted trash, she would insult her, slap her, lock her outside of the house, tell her anorexic daughter how fat and ugly she was, all so she could mentally detroy her as much as possible. With such parenting models, to me abuse meant violence, verbal degradation, anything that could be clearly seen and pointed out as cruel.

I never got to acknowledge the fact that there are some invisible forms of abuse. Neglect was never spoken of. To me, still, it all feels so normal. I never really fully understood what was wrong, the lacks, the flaws, the mistakes I was exposed to as a kid, the needs left unattended. I just made my own bad choices, learned to fight on my own, and my parents would pick up the pieces I left behind, afterwards. To me, they did their best, they acted the way they learned to act from where they came from, with the best intentions. There is no such thing as a guideline for being a parent and we are all humans with emotions, flaws, fears. I always felt like I had pretty good parents and my past relationships' toxic parents strengthened that belief. Yet, whenever I now talk about it with my therapist or when my buddy compares his own stable, normal and healthy parental experience with mine, I can clearly see how bad it actually was.

From the lack of emotional support and presence ever since they lost their first child to me having to take care of my younger brother for several years before they started acting like parents again. The fear of judgement and pain leading to covering up all the bad things that happened, the rapes, suicide, family drama, my own fuck-ups, with no safe space to ever talk about it, no closure. The complete freedom I got that allowed me to break the law as an impulsive kid with mental illnesses, leading to alcohol abuse, skipping school, disciplary issues. The lack of warmth and love demonstrations with relationships based on simply solving problems, answering material and financial needs.

I grew up with no guidance, no consequences and no reassurance. I never had any, so I never felt these needs. However, I do regret not having those growing up, because damn, so much of my struggles make sense, looking back.