#i struggle so much with my reaction to abuse because I feel like I'm constantly overreacting to things

[struggling-to-find-home]

You know shit's bad in your abusive house when you move to a different house which can also be classified as abusive but it feels much safer because the toxicity is less

I'm currently staying at my aunt's place for the dust from the kitchen renovation left the place unlivable for me because allergies reasons and it's definitely dysfunctional - there are a lot of screaming fights between her (a perfectionist who wants everything to be perfect) and my cousin (who has nearly diagnosed adhd and has problems with focus in school because of it), and just the level of general hostility in their interactions is very high, but for me? I don't even have fight or flight triggered when they fight, because in comparison to the usual death-threat-suicide-threat-physical-violence tango that the fights in my parents' house are, a little bit of light yelling is nothing. Like, there ain't even a gun. What is there to be scared of?

[krakensdottir]

Also something really important I want to point out about Aziraphale's religious trauma.

It's often framed as him being directly abused by Heaven, generally emotionally. And while I don't doubt he's been belittled at points - probably not by Gabriel, the iconic exemplar of the Toxic Positivity boss, but we know how Michael and Uriel etc. can be - it also seems like he's received quite a lot of praise and has generally managed to pull off the appearance of being A Good Angel, or at least a satisfactory one. I don't think, and this is controversial, but I don't think Heaven was usually overtly hard on him.

Because that's not how this kind of cult mentality usually operates. Instead, it teaches you to abuse yourself. Your overseers don't have to directly hurt or insult you if you're so ingrained with fear of failure by the culture you were brought up in that you constantly question yourself as not good enough.

It's not as... satisfying, I guess? As an external abuser being the main issue. But it's a lot more real. At least to me, because I suffered so much anxiety over being 'good' when I was a kid, and it wasn't from direct abuse. It was absorbed from the culture I was surrounded by. I picked it up by osmosis from society at large, and it tormented me. I worried, I doubted, there was a time I literally feared going to Hell. And I wasn't raised strongly religious. My mother certainly treated me as a Good Kid, and never gave even the suggestion that I wasn't. But I felt that way anyway. And it tore me apart. Because internalizing that shit makes it so much harder to fight.

And to be clear at this point, I am not saying Heaven isn't abusive. I just think the nature of its abuse is more subtle and insidious than it's often given credit for. And - this is even harder to accept, but it's true, and it's important - it's not just abusive to Az. All the angels are victims of it. Yes, even Gabriel. The moment he, one of the most powerful forces in Heaven, steps out of line, we see that no one is exempt. Never even mind Muriel, who is literally on the lowest rung of the Heavenly ladder and has probably never been told they're worth anything beyond being, you know, an angel, so at least you're better than humans and demons.

It's a contrast with Crowley, who has long since accepted most (not all, there are definitely some deep issues remaining, but they're nothing like Aziraphale's) of his internal doubts and struggles. His fears are almost entirely external. He doesn't beat himself up if he fucks up. He doesn't have to. There are people happy to beat him up for him. So when things go really bad for him, his instinct is to run. To get out of the way of harm as much as possible.

The fact that Aziraphale is harder on himself than anyone else could be is a vital part of his character. He self-punishes. He self-criticizes. He feels awful every time he breaks the rules in the slightest, even though he isn't usually caught at it. Crowley can find some safety in solitude if he keeps his wits sharp and his head down. Aziraphale can't, because he carries Heaven's conditioning with him at all times. He doesn't need oversight, it doesn't take external threats to keep him in line. You don't need direct threats when literally everyone in your celestial workplace has seen firsthand the consequences of rebellion.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Again, this is informed by personal experience and I can't claim to be unbiased. But I see so much internalization with Aziraphale. He literally can't even accept praise without being nervous as hell, and I don't think it's fear of punishment or ridicule that's his primary motivation. He simply cannot ever be good enough for himself.

That's how they get you.

Anyway, I think it's why his reaction to disaster is the opposite to Crowley's, why he feels he has to turn and face it and somehow avert the horror (or, alternatively, find some way to reconcile it in his head and accept it - because let's be real, that's often what happens) rather than get himself away. He's less afraid of failing his superiors than he is of failing himself. And God, who is, objectively, the biggest abuser in the entire story.

[artofhazbinhotel]

Hazbin hotel headcannons

I think Valentino is genderfluid and just doesn't know it

Vox is autistic and stims by jumping up and down or picking people up, his hyperfixation is sharks (I'm autistic)

Vox isn't a picky eater but his favorite thing to eat is burgers, he isn't a good cook though so he makes others do it for him

The reason Adam always folds his wings at his sides is to make himself look skinnier

Charlie has hyper empathy and that's why she struggles so much with accepting some people just can't be helped (I understand this)

Alastor has ASPD, not because he's a serial killer, that's a horrible stereotype, but because his emotions are limited and he has trouble understanding others so even if someone is his friend he might unintentionally hurt their feelings, his sadism has absolutely nothing to do with the not caring about most, maybe it's because he likes seeing so clearly what the other person feels? Rosie is one of the only people he genuinely cares about (my boyfriend has this and agrees)

Vox has NPD, it can cause extreme jealousy when your ego feels attacked, and the reason he humiliated himself on TV was that exact reason, feeling worse, Alastor has probably sent him into a narc crash several times but most of it as spent on a high, it stems from low self esteem masked with pride and indifference (my boyfriend has NPD and agrees)

Now for the controversial one that I still agree with, I think Valentino has BPD, people have said that Bipolar or NPD is also an option but saying NPD feels like just feeding into narc abuse claims. As for bipolar, the difference between BPD and bipolar is the length of episodes, BPD has rapid mood swings while bipolar ups and downs can last months, we see Valentino switch up his emotions within seconds constantly. BPD can also cause anger, jealousy, and obsession, I think angel is his FP and that's why he immediately assumed he's abandoned the second he moves out and flies into a rage and why he has the need to always have control over him (I have BPD)

Angel is hypersexual as a result of his trauma and I know people shit on the portrayal of how he acts but not every single SA survivor becomes sex repulsed, some have the opposite reaction where they intentionally sexualize themselves because they think that's all they're good for or that if they aren't doing that they're doing something wrong, I like that there's finally representation for that, characters who are overly sexual flirts don't usually have a psychological explanation

Lucifer is autistic and bad at social cues, his hyperfixation is ducks. He also has depression that stemmed from his divorce

Velvette is bisexual

[cripplecharacters]

Hello, I have a question. In one of my projects, set in a vaguely 1600s fantasy pirate setting, one of my characters starts out as a burn survivor, with a large burn on her cheek.

She wears a scarf initially to protect the burn from the salt air as well as some self esteem issues, however I don’t want to fall into the masked burn survivor trope, or have a self-hating disabled character.

If it helps, over the course of the story she gets access to hydrating salves and stops needing the scarf as she grows to accept her facial difference.

Thank you for your time, and for all the help you give to us!

Hi!

I think protecting a burn scar from salt is smart. It also could help with the sun-related issues. However, the scarf should be of an appropriate material - a rough texture would only irritate and scratch it, which causes even more problems. If you mention that, or show the process of her choosing something that works for her from that angle, I think it would be much more of a "medical device" and less of a "hiding disability".

It's important to discuss why she has the self-esteem issues. Don't make it into a "Duh, obviously someone with a facial difference would have low self-esteem, just look at them!" which I constantly see.

Was she bullied or harassed over being disabled?

Is she traumatized from experiencing abuse or aggression? Does she fear that being visibly disabled will make her a target for violence again?

Was there a particular person who made her feel that way, like a parent or a "friend" that influenced her view of herself?

Was society around her lacking examples of happy burn survivors, so she assumed that she can't be happy either?

Make it clear why she feels that way, and don't make the narrative frame her facial difference as the root problem. The problem should be the thing that caused her to feel insecure. It's the same as the fact that mobility aids aren't a problem, inaccessibility is - at least that's how I look at it as someone who has an FD and uses a mobility aid.

This is by no means disability-specific, but look out for tragedy porn. Even if she has had bad experiences, I guarantee you that she had happy ones as well. In her case, maybe she met the funniest girl ever at the 1600s fantasy pirate burn unit, maybe the doctor who treated her helped her discover a new hobby while she was stuck in bed. Her backstory shouldn't boil down to "happy (abled) life, then the Accident, then horrible (disabled) life". That'd be a very hurtful message to send.

I do appreciate that she gets character development around her facial difference. I will say that this internal change often comes from seeing other disabled people thrive, being proud, shown as beautiful and valuable, etc. Representation is important in stories, even in-universe. This was certainly the case for me, and is the reason why now I'm so loud about including happy and positive people with facial differences everywhere. This stuff doesn't exist in a vacuum, you're affecting how people see themselves. It also leads me to my last, probably comically predictable point, which is...

Add more burn survivors, or at least characters with other facial differences, into the story. Preferably ones that have the low self-esteem either far behind them or haven't struggled with it in general (we exist). They don't have to be major characters but even just mentioned; e.g. your character thinking about other survivors she met in the place that treated her burns, or her seeing people with visible facial differences out and about and it making her think about why she even hides hers, etc. In short - don't make shame seem like the default reaction to having a facial difference, because it isn't.

I hope this helps!

mod Sasza

[fumikosushi]

Mentions of parental death under cut.

I haven't really talked to that many people about all the things that have gone on surrounding my mom's death. I talked to maybe two people, but not a whole lot. I have a hard time talking to people directly about the things I'm going through (trauma has led me to having difficulty confiding those things in others, but I'm trying to do better). For now, the easiest way for me to do that is just by making a post where I throw things into the void.

Even before my mom passed away, my family was being absolutely horrible. My sister, my mom's sister, her brother, and the man she was staying with were just fucking awful. I would also like to point out that none of these people had anything to do with her until she was dying. My sister visited not once while we lived here for 10+ years until she heard my mom was dying. My brother visited some and with his it's different because his schedule doesn't allow it, but my sister flat out refused to speak to my mom unless she could con my mom into giving her drug money (for crack and heroin). My sister drained my mom's bank account this way, mind you. Took advantage of my mom's desire to help her to try and be a good mom and my sister lied to her for drug money.

When they were here the few days before she passed people treated both her and myself terribly. With me, it was nothing new. My family has already been pretty fucking awful. My only real problem with my brother is his refusal to acknowledge anything that happened being fucked up, but I still might end up opting into going no contact with him too like I have my father and sister.

The entire time I was there, even though I was literally silent and minding my own business, I was just.. bullied the whole fucking time. My sister and my mom's sister would whisper to each other while looking at me and laugh or they would try and say things to provoke or gaslight me into a reaction (I never gave them the reaction they wanted). My mom's brother spent the whole time drunk and fighting with people. Again, I constantly have comments made about me despite the fact I literally never spoke unless spoken to. Even then, I didn't say much.

There was a point where my mom wasn't really responsive. You know, she wasn't really.. there. Like she was alive, but she was literally skin and bones with next to no meat or fat left on her body. She couldn't speak. You could hear her struggling for air. What does my sister do? She calls my dad who horribly abused her for years and lets him just say what he wants in her ear while she's unable to respond and literally fucking dying. Like.. who makes someone listen to someone who help ruined their life as they're dying? That's just.. sick. I genuinely feel as though my mother died feeling completely unloved. I won't lie. I honestly can't believe that she didn't and it fucking sucks because it haunts me. Like, how is she supposed to feel loved when she's suffering so much and everyone around her is just continuing to abuse her? These people couldn't even respect her after she died either.

We still haven't had a service for her. Her brother is in charge and that always means whatever he's in charge of? It's never happening. He's always too busy getting plastered and telling everyone how shit and terrible they are like he's even the slightest bit delightful to deal with himself. Not to mention.. my mom's abuser has her ashes (the guy she was staying with) and he refuses to let me have any of her ashes. I feel like if anyone deserves to have them, it's me - I'm the only one who has ever been here for her. But no, of course, I'm being fucked over and not included in anything. If they have a service, I'm sure I'm not even going to be invited. I am so tired of being hated by these people just for existing as a disabled person (this is literally why they hate me - they're all ableist af and don't believe disabilities exist).

So I go to my boyfriend's to try and deal with all of this and my mom's abuser is whining at me to hurry up and send photos of my mom I took from her house like he has ever given me what he owes me. My mom's ashes. I told the guy I'd do it when I got back to keep the peace, but God, I already know it doesn't matter how civil I am despite hating these people. I will still be excluded. So I've decided to give them diddly fucking squat. I lost a fuck ton of things to do with my mom because I couldn't afford a truck for her things. No one could find it in their heart to just help me move anything (my place is literally 10 minutes away from hers) and we would have paid them back too! But no. No help. So I lost 90% of my mother's belongings because they're all in the fucking dump now because the landlady threw everything away before I could get a truck.

And like.. the day my mom died my siblings were just like "aye we're leaving" not hours later and I'm just like ??? That's so.. crazy. Our mom just died and you're just.. gonna go back to South Carolina?? Like yall aren't gonna make sure I'm okay or nothing? Just "oh yeah, here's the tv mom left" and then you fuck off? These people baffle me.

I'm home now and tbh I'm still not okay at all and God, I don't want anyone to tell me shit like 'it gets better' or whatever because I'm so tired of hearing it. As I said, I just needed to throw my feelings into the void. I'm not wanting some pity party or whatever. This isn't even everything going on right now, but this is the stuff to do with my mom.

[peachey-bastard]

sorry another vent post but I don't rlly want to talk to friends about this more than I have already

I'm in such a weird place of emotional hurt and honestly I don't really know how to process it properly. my mental health was already in fucking shambles even before this, I've been to the hospital twice for suicide attempts in the last couple months and while I haven't told anyone except for two friends, it kind of sucks that no one I consider close in my life could even see that I was struggling and gave a fuck. I'm also hearing such conflicting things from different people and it's fucking me up. I got told directly by someone I considered my best friend for so long that they don't actually care about me and had already planned to ghost me after we stopped living together, and have had them scream at me and be agressive to the point I was afraid of physical violence. and then hear from other people they've talked to that they 'consider me family and are sad about losing the friendship' when all I fucking wanted was to have a conversation and be apologised for to for them treating me like shit for months, and they told me to effectively fuck off and that we werent friends anymore. either they're lying to other people or they're lying to me, and I don't know what hurts more. pretending like you're the victim when you're the one who blew up a years long friendship where I would drop everything if they needed me, or if they lied to me and just went straight for the throat for no other reason than to hurt me to the core because my biggest fucking anxiety driven fear is having the people I care about the most leave me and not actually give a fuck about me. all I fucking want is to be treated like a valued person and not like an object that just gets used and thrown away. it's been violating in every fucking way, I've already been fucked over by being led on and used for sex, financially screwed over because they moved their partner in, lied about it being temporary, and all the bills have fucking doubled and now I have been having to help cover costs for someone who lies, steals, and doesn't pull their fucking weight, and severely emotionally damaged because all of my worst fucking fears about my relationships are coming true. I've been processing stuff badly and a lot of it is coming out in just sheer anger at this point. I'm angry that I'm being used, I'm angry about stupid fucking double standards where I can be screamed at and argued with for no fucking reason but me being upset is suddenly a huge problem, I'm angry that I've wasted the last three fucking years of my life putting my energy into someone who's a lying, cheating, manipulative piece of shit. and I'm still fucking upset about losing them. I'm so fucking heartbroken and I'm angry at myself for caring this much still. they literally made fun of me to my face because I started crying when them and their partner were fucking screaming at me when it's a reaction I can't control from having abusive fucking parents who'd constantly yell at me. I'm angry that they're going around acting like it's poor little them who's the fucking victim when they're the one who's blown this whole relationship up. because there was a point where it was still fixable. even wjth all the arguing and fighting I still wanted to save this stupid friendship that I was clinging onto so badly. they're the one who's crossed the point of no return with the way they fucking treat me. I still love them and would love to have the friendship back but I can't do that when I don't feel safe around them anymore. emotionally or physically. I'm emotionally exhausted and I know it's only another month and a half before I don't live with them anymore and don't have to see them again but I honestly don't know if I can make it that long at this point. everything is so fucking exhausting and I don't have anywhere left that's a safe fucking space for me. I can't even confide in friends because one is dealing with their own shut and I don't want to burden them more than I have, and the other just runs strsight to them and tells them everything I say, even if it's in confidence. I just can't

[cursedtrashmuppet]

Is this anything? Spoilers for OFMD S2 below.

In my defense, I'm not a media critic, I might not be really putting this correctly, I'm just thinking thoughts here.

Hot Take, this is a probably a gross overgeneralization but is part of the issue that many OFMD fans who were intrigued by or outright loved Izzy are those (perhaps older?) fans who have lived so long in the media landscape where ALL queer themes were subtext, so we got used to reading things that way? Then OFMD comes along and has that subtext but then starts to turn that subtext into actual text. THEN, while we are continuing to read the show for subtext (what isn’t said by the characters, their reactions to things and how that does or does not align with their actions and what they say etc.) The last maybe half the season starts to forego the subtext and start textually telling us what is going on - Ed apologizing –he says it, other characters acknowledge it– but we never actually see him re-bonding with anyone on the crew but Fang or endearing himself to people again, or acting all that remorseful beyond allowing lucius to push him off the ship** and buying party supplies with the loot he ground everyone down to steal. Stede telling us that Ed turned “poison into positivity” (see above, buying party supplies -I guess, girl, whatever.) Izzy telling Ed that he was the dark side of blackbeard and made Ed do all the vile stuff that Ed did (When anyone watching can see that yes- Izzy did verbally abuse Ed and tried to bully him, but in so many of their season 1 interactions and CERTAINLY season 2, Ed was the one with more power, and not just the captaincy but he had agency and power in the relationship) but if you were watching the show and assuming characters were not always telegraphing their genuine emotions and understanding their feelings, I just don’t get how we could chalk Ed’s darkness (the struggle with that darkness which is what makes his character really compelling) up to the actions of another character who we didn’t SEE constantly ‘making’ him do things. We saw him trying to cajole Ed into doing things but it never really worked until 1x10. So the writing/characters keep TELLING us what the actions mean, meanwhile, those of us assuming the subtext was still the prime thing to watch were expecting a lot of the exposition and characters telling you things to be unreliable narrator stuff - what the CHARACTER thought in the moment, but not necessarily what the narrative was saying or what the character was actually feeling or doing. So then when it turned out that the exposition and stuff-they-were-telling-you actually revealed itself to be where the narrative was really going, we were astounded and baffled because they TOLD us what they were doing, they didn’t SHOW us - so we were all like, wait, did I misread the show? But I don’t think we did. I think we were just reading the show the way we had been taught and arguably, the way the writers were seeming to take things in the first half of season 2. It’s just perhaps that when they needed to wrap things up, the writers didn’t have time to lead us there or to show us, so they just TOLD us “this is what we’re telling you is happening and is objectively reality” but that’s not what they had previously done so we kept watching and waiting for the subtextual elements to come to fruition and they never did. Is this a thing? I’m not sure I am explaining it well, and I’m not saying anyone is a bad writer or not media-literate, I’m genuinely wondering if there was a disconnect/miscommunication with the writing and a certain portion of the audience - either because of budget/timing or a thought that they didn’t need to rely on subtextual elements so much? I don’t know, man. I’m just a girl who likes a pirate show and is now really sad at it.

**which maybe? Seems to show that Ed’s idea of forgiveness is perhaps vengeance and not actual forgiveness, he’s like ‘i know, if you do to me what I did to you, that will solve it.’ But, like, no, that’s obviously not going to fix it and it doesn’t, but what does this idea say about Ed that he thought it would? Intriguing! Sadly, this isn’t examined again and it’s left up to Lucius to move on by himself without really resolving things with Ed. (This kind of shit is WHY. I really like Ed! He is complex and imperfect and has interesting motivations!)

[cassynite]

Uh. Just a really personal essay thing below the cut. I just needed to write and share this because it's been bouncing around in my head all day and I feel like if i don't i'm going to just explode or something!!

cw discussions of hoarding, death, illness, elder neglect

I am such an unsentimental person when it comes to keepsakes or mementos. I want to say part of it was as a reaction to my grandmother, who was a hoarder who put far too much emotional importance on physical objects. She would go on and on about some half-broken doll her grandmother had given to her, only for it to get lost in a room of trash. She took thousands of pictures, all the time, on disposable cameras that would never get taken to be developed, just lie to collect dust in a box somewhere.

Once, when we were attempting to clean out the garage full of nothing but 40-gallon bags stuffed with clothes that were moldy and hadn't seen the light of day in years, my grandmother had a breakdown, screaming and crying at us not to touch those things, that they were important.

I was sixteen and an utter asshole at the time. I'd told her, "Grandma they're just things. They're just objects."

And she told me: "Well things are all I have."

I had a very visceral, negative reaction to that. Mostly, it was hurt--did she not have me, the rest of our family? Did she not consider us more important than trash accumulated over years? I ultimately know it was more complicated than that, that my grandmother came from a very abusive and insecure household, and that hoarding was likely a coping mechanism. That she struggled a lot, but that she ultimately loved us all very, very much.

I mean, she didn't have to raise me. My parents were right there. When they told her that four kids was too much work and asked her to take over with my younger sister and I, she could have told them to deal with it, and she didn't. She told me she loved me constantly, that love was unconditional and she would always love me, and no matter our fights or my behavior she was always a support and I believed her when she told me those things.

But her hoarding was a cause of extreme stress my entire adolescence--her tendencies went to cats when I was about fourteen and that ended up being such a nightmare scenario, the kind you'd see in those awful news stories about hoarding houses, that I don't even want to touch on it more than to just say it happened, and it was bad for years. I couldn't see the value in anything she had, and therefore never cared enough to keep things of my own. I never cared about family heirlooms, didn't keep things after they broke and couldn't be fixed no matter where I got it from, and I didn't take pictures or care much about pictures that were taken. Souvenirs were pointless to me, and I struggle to remember any gift I've been given in my life.

In early 2016, long-term health issues including unmanaged diabetes, multiple strokes, and bouts of pneumonia finally left my grandmother incapable of taking care of herself, and when a fall caused some minor brain bleed they placed her in a care facility. It was her worst nightmare--she'd told us repeatedly growing up that if something happened like that to just let her die, that she did not want to waste away in a nursing home.

I only visited rarely. I was working on getting my bachelor's degree, I had just moved in with my partner, and the speech and memory issues caused by my grandmother's injury were profoundly upsetting to me; I often left visits crying. Both of my grandparents had been in hospitals and rehab centers multiple times before, and my grandmother constantly took me on visits to see church members who also were recovering from injuries, so I was very familiar with these places. The smell, the sights of people who might never recover from what put them there, and the dead-eyed stares of staff made me hate those care homes.

So I avoided visiting her, put it off. I would visit when she got better, I promised myself. And then in December of 2016, my grandmother caught pneumonia and died. I was there for part of the vigil when they took her off of life support, but had such a breakdown seeing her deterioration that I left early and did not stay with her when she passed. She'd had, I would learn later, multiple falls in the nursing facility she was placed at; that care home would close down a few years later due to investigations of neglect.

I cannot express how horrifying the entire ordeal was, or the shame I feel when thinking about this. If I had spent more time with my family, maybe I could have helped care for Grandma instead of her ending up in a care home. I could have helped manage her diet so she didn't have the drops in blood sugar that caused that first fall, the one that led to the initial brain damage. I could have looked more into the group homes when choosing which one to take her to, found the very present information regarding the one she was placed at and and pushed for one that wouldn't let her fall constantly, causing permanent brain damage and health deterioration. At the very, very least, I could have visited more, so that her last memories on this goddamned earth involved knowing that her favorite granddaughter gave a shit.

It's been years. My grandfather ended up also falling ill in 2018, multiple infections and bouts with sickness that landed him in a much better care home, where I visited more often. He was deeply self-reliant and chafed against the dependency but made friends and seemed to be alright there whenever I spoke to him. He was also vocally Very Done with living in general--he was nearly ninety--and told me multiple times that he liked seeing me but didn't need it, and to not worry about him. I think he knew I was trying to make up for something. Maybe he judged me for putting in the effort with him when I didn't with Grandma, who needed it so much more than he did.

When he passed in August of 2019, I had just started a new job and hadn't visited in a month. Somehow, his death was even worse, like I'd lost him and Grandma together all over again. The worst part for me, surprisingly, was months later, when my phone corrupted and erased every single picture I had. I didn't take very many, but I'd started to do more toward the end of my grandfather's death especially, and there were several pictures of both him and grandma that were lost forever. I was devastated.

I think perhaps my lack of sentimentality just came from the fact that I hadn't needed to be sentimental before. I could visit my grandparents at any time. My mother was dead but I'd barely known her; my father might as well have been dead for how much he cared to contact or visit us. I didn't have any strong connections that I wanted to be reminded of that i couldn't just renew at any point in time, and I took it for granted. The knowledge that I started to forget what shade of dark brown my grandmother's eyes were, or the old-time phrases my grandfather used to say all the time that I'd ingrained into my vernacular as a child, really hurt. It's like a thousand deaths, every time I realize that I have something less of them with me now.

This past Christmas, my eldest sister gifted all of us with flash drives. She had, in her spare time, scoured the internet and old photo albums for pictures of our family and had digitized everything she could find. She was apologetic about not buying something for us, but had thought we would appreciate it.

I only just started looking at those pictures today. I hadn't really had the strength before now. I don't really have the strength now, to be honest. I've been crying ever since I opened those pictures. Most are taken by my youngest sister and shows both of my grandparents during the last years of their lives; seeing pictures and videos of my grandmother after she sustained her brain damage hurts. But there are other pictures too, older ones, and it's stunning how much I'd really forgotten.

I could always tell when a picture was taken during a big event because my grandmother's hair would be permed. My grandfather was a classic "dad who didn't want the cat" kind of grandparent, and all of our animals adored him. My grandmother wore two different shoes to my little sister's high school graduation. My grandfather wore the same pair of brown pants for literal decades, to the point they were falling apart, because the company that used to make those pants no longer made the exact shade of brown he liked and he refused to wear any other kind.

I know what my grandmother sounded like again. I know, I remember, that she would always insist on saying "I love you" at least once a conversation. She always wanted to make sure we knew that.

I'm still not the most sentimental person. I couldn't really care less about souvenirs. But I take more pictures now, and keep the birthday cards with handwritten notes that my older sister sends me, because I feel conscious of the fact that the people in those pictures aren't always going to be there. I have my grandmother's wedding ring that I keep on a necklace, and I'm probably going to deal with a crying headache the rest of the day for looking at these pictures.

But it's worth it. It is.

[shadesofdeviant]

Tarlos Thoughts

I'm honestly struggling to write anything Tarlos related at the moment and I entirely blame season 4.

Listen, I can accept TK and Carlos' flaws, they're human beings not caricatures and I do not expect them to be perfect at all times. Equally I do not suddenly despise one of them when they make mistakes, I want 3-dimensional characters that seem real and flawed, not perfect idols of worship. But my god this season is testing my patience and I'm putting it beneath a read more because I will ramble.

TL:DR I fucking hate miscommunication and Tarlos is looking far too unhealthy in this series. I do not blame this on the characters or the actors. I'm looking at you Tim.

Also, just incase anyone needs it, trigger warning for 2x12, spoiler warning for 4x12 and more importantly a trigger warning for discussions of actions that could be interpreted as abuse.

I got why Carlos was married. I appreciate that he was lost, feeling very much unaccepted and it was during a time at which the idea of marrying another man was little more than a fever dream. So he has this close relationship with his best friend, and honestly if my best friend wasn't already married, she'd be the only one I would ever consider marrying. I Get that.

What I DON'T get though. Is how long it took for him to bring it up to TK.

Listen miscommunication rubs me the wrong way. Whether it's in TV, Movies, Asian Dramas, Fanfiction etc. If I see any form of miscommunication I will back out. I have the tag blacklisted on AO3 because I don't like it and so I choose to avoid it. Because I get feral and just end up screaming "Just fricking talk to each other OMFG!". It's also why I don't watch too many TV shows.

The thing about the marriage that bugs me is that Carlos seemingly had no intention of telling TK. TK proposed, spent weeks, months? (LS timelines elude me sometimes) planning the wedding, visiting venues etc. and not one peep of Carlos telling him or even trying to tell him. Again, I get Carlos is a control freak and tries to fix everything himself and does not like admitting when things are beyond his ability and he is very much captain deflection and does not like to share his own problems ever.

And honestly, with the way TK runs away at the slightest sign of issues within the relationship and explodes like a minefield, it's not explicitly mentioned, but I can very much imagine that this humongous flaw played a part in Carlos keeping the issue to himself. And I will admit I was...surprised...TK was so calm when Carlos admitted he was married, I was fully expecting him to end up back at his Dad's for a few months again.

But it feels very much a disservice to himself and TK for it to get to the point it did. It felt very much like he was hoping to divorce Iris and then marry TK without TK being any the wiser. Which is too much on the side of lying for my comfort.

Especially since we've often seen him trying to get TK to talk to him about things.

Now this discourse about kids.

Again I get it. I do not want kids EVER. I will gladly be the godparent and cool relative who gets them hyped on sugar then give them back with an evil grin.

Carlos' wants for the future sound very much like a "Not yet" rather than a "not ever" and look, the pair of them are still young and haven't been together that long in the grand scheme of things especially considering breakups and comas etc. But how has this conversation never come up before? It's just drama for drama's sake.

But what really really irks me about the entire season....is the jokes about his wife and being married that he just peppers into conversation constantly. How long has it been since the truth was revealed? Are Carlos and Iris even divorced/annulled yet? What part of TK's reaction to the marriage made Carlos think it was okay to joke about it?

Carlos you lied to TK about the marriage, then you seemingly got angry and blamed TK for when Iris disappeared, you then lied again when you told TK you were staying at the hospital overnight. How does any of that equate to TK being okay with you making "my wife" jokes?

Honestly with all this miscommunication drama that the writers/producers are putting in seemingly for the sake of creating drama...all they're doing is making Carlos come across as mean and TK come across as being baby-fied and uwued or whatever the current terminology is.

I wont go as far as to say the way Carlos talks to TK is gaslighting, but its coming very very close with the way he deflects and responds to some of the things TK says (especially in the parental discussion) and how he often seems to trivialise TK being upset. And let me be clear I am blaming poor writing for that, not Carlos as a character or Rafael.

Equally the way TK jumps to "So you're saying you think I'll be a bad father" whilst obviously intended to be a show of his lingering insecurities, could be argued as quite the gaslight as well. And don't get me started on TK's explosive reaction in season 2 or the way he ran away and didn't communicate prior to season 3. Honestly, if I was the one dating either of them, I would have ran for the hills like my name was Owen Strand, months, if not years ago.

STOP GAP FOR A MOMENT.

Just to reiterate. I AM NOT ACCUSING CARLOS OR TK OF BEING ABUSIVE. I am saying that POOR WRITING and a lack of understanding of healthy relationships by TIM and the WRITERS are allowing for actions/words to be interpreted as borderline abusive.

But...honestly Tarlos used to be one of my comfort relationships and it's very much drifting into the typical media territory of never letting the gays be happy. It started at the end of season 2 with how TK reacted to the news Gabriel arrested Owen and it's just been getting worse as the seasons go on.

We're drifting dangerously towards the "bury your gays" trope and I don't care how much reassurance we get from Tim or Ronen etc. that Tarlos is endgame, I'm starting to not believe it, or...dare I say it...want it.

I don't know if I can make it to the end of the season at this rate.

Please bear in mind this is my opinion. If you do not agree with this fine. I will not accept anyone coming at me in my ask box to defend or vilify Carlos or TK for their actions and I am not team TK or team Carlos I have issues with both of them, they both have flaws as characters and are the direct equal cause of issues in their relationship

But finally, I would like to point out this:

Dotted moments of cuteness and lightheartedness do not a healthy relationship make.

[oncetherenowhere]

I wish I had one big problem. Something neat and tidy, that I could wrap up in a bow, and present to my therapists as The Reason. Here's why I struggle. Isn't it lovely, how cohesive it is? Doesn't it all make sense? The flow chart of my trauma goes from A to B! Not A, to Q, to R, to T, to B, to 27. Maybe then, I'd find someone who understands.

Or maybe not. It's not like society is kind to people who have One Big Trauma either. It's never as simple as that, and I know it, but still...

I feel like that's how society would prefer to see trauma. Just One Bad Thing. Even if it is a million bad things, as long as there's a theme, as long as it makes SENSE, then others understand it, to whatever degree they're capable of doing so. They're happy.

Hah. No they aren't. Nobody is. Even for those with traumas "easy to understand," they get the shit kicked out of them. There's no easy way to have trauma, no easy way to experience it- and I hope that isn't what's taken from what I'm writing. I'm talking about outside perception, and specifically from my own experiences and point of view.

See, when I've tried to explain my life to professionals, they cock their heads. I tell them my parents were abusive- okay, they get that. I tell them I was bullied- okay, they get that. I tell them I didn't have a single grown up or authority figure who cared about me as a kid, and their brows start to furrow. Not teachers? Not a doctor? Nope. Surely there was someone? No. That's why I'm here.

I tell them I was harassed for dating 'other girls,' I tell them I'm autistic and so are my brothers, I tell them I've questioned my gender from a young age- their heads spin. It's too much. It isn't cohesive.

I once dated a girl who had "too many disorders." She had the "audacity" to talk about them, even make jokes. Everyone hated her for it. It blew my mind. She had a lot going on, and was struggling, but because it was "too much" and "too many," nobody believed her, nobody sympathized. I still can't wrap my head around that, despite being in her shoes, despite hearing it over and over again. If you don't have problems of that caliber, and you hear someone talking about it, why is your first reaction disgust?

It feels like nobody has empathy, or sympathy.

When I was growing up, I held fast and firm to the belief that no matter what, people were good. Everyone had a spark of goodness inside of them. I promised myself over and over again to keep hope, to not grow cynical.

These days, the cynicism claws at my heart. I fight it constantly. I don't want to feel that way. I still want to have hope, to believe in the goodness of humanity, but do you know how fucking hard that is when you can count the kindness you've been extended on one hand?

I wish I had One Big Problem, and not 27 years of constant pushing and yelling and screaming.

I wish it wasn't childish to wish that people were kind, and that life was fair.

Some days, my brain feels like it's on fire. Why can't my therapist understand? I've seen so many therapists over the past decade. SO many. None of them seemed to get it. I once broke down sobbing in frustration in a session, and the therapist just...stared at me, without a word. She was quiet until the end of the session. Didn't talk to me again.

I want this therapist to work. I don't want to go through the song and dance again.

I've been trying. I do the self help, I take hard looks at myself, I see therapists, I take medication- I treat myself like a fucking pet. I make sure I eat well. I make sure I sleep as well as I can. I force myself to take showers, and brush my teeth, do the chores, I take stupid fucking walks, fuck, I even try to do yoga when I can, I meditate, and-

And it helps. I can't sit here and lie, it does all help. If I didn't tire myself out taking care of myself, I'd be worse off, and I know it.

I guess I just wish it would fix me.

I used to be an optimist. Did you know that? During the worst points of my life, I looked on the bright side. I had to, to survive.

Now, I'm here, and life is good, and my optimism feels like a cage. I still speak the words, but they feel grayscale, no longer bursting with color. I can't be outwardly cynical; nobody wants to hear that, and it isn't helpful. I've designed my whole life around being as unassuming and inoffensive as possible, I can't possibly be unpleasant.

FUCK this feels good. This feels so good to write down.

I don't vent to others; I can't. Nobody wants to hear this. But I can type it here, and I can post it, and poof, its out there, my little message in a bottle. Like I said a month ago, when I first started this blog, if no one ever reads this, I wouldn't mind. It just feels so good to get it out in the open, and not trapped in a journal I won't touch for months.

It takes a little weight off my back. It feels good. I can't hurt anyone by venting by just being an anonymous face on a website past its prime (no offense).

[marssmellow]

I wanna share a bit of a life story to explain WHY I feel I am gonna crush this academic year and I'm finally gonna be the top of my class. Pay attention folks, because this is probably gonna be a once in a lifetime show. I am not usually that comfortable sharing my life story online — I also don't want to share anything because I really don't like the Internet BUT my journal is far away and I am too lazy to pick it up so I am writing here instead (I am, in fact, lying to you. My journal is in the bedside table next to my head right now. I am just too lazy at the moment). Btw I feel like this is a story worth knowing about me as a person that all of you, little people who follow this blog + my three (3) real life friends simply must know to understand me. So fasten your seatbelts, we are going down memory lane together.

(tw: mention of sexual assault)

So, when I was in elementary school I was your typical golden child. I was so good in all of the classes and I always got the best marks. Of course, you are thinking "Whaaat, elementary school is not hard??" You'd be surprised. For some reason, elementary schools in Italy are hard. We learn, of course, all the basics, like the alphabet and how to add numbers and all that shit, but we also learn stuff that your typical 6-year-old wouldn't, like rhyming schemes and syllable patterns, chemical reactions, a bit of algebra, the idea of historical process, English and all that stuff (disclaimer: I do not know if this was the case just for my school or my teachers. I just know that we didn't limit ourselves to the alphabets and the names of colours). Apart from a general difficulty in math (probably caused by an undiagnosed dyscalculia) I was very good. However, I had a competitor. My best friend ALSO wanted to be the best in my class. The only difference between us was that, while I was effortlessly talented (I am saying this with every ounce of humility in my body), she tried really hard. I learned this after a long time, but she had very strict parents that used to treat her very badly if she didn't get the highest mark in a test. She went as far as to complain to the teacher if I got a higher grade that hers in tests. And here's the kicker: she would take it out on me. She used to make me feel bad because I got the full mark while she didn't. Of course, it wasn't my fault, but my little brain did not know that and I remember feeling anxious every time the teacher would give us the result of a test because I wanted to know how HER test went. You can well imagine the effect this had on me. I started doubting myself and blaming myself for other people's results. Maybe that's why I want to be a professor now, or maybe it has nothing to do with that. We will never know. The point is that I started to seriously think that she was better than me because she put all this crazy effort into her test while I just...winged them. I seriously did not study that much. I found the tests easy. That's probably something to do with the fact that I was genuinely curious about the subjects and I absorbed the information like a sponge. Anyway, that was the first thing on my path.

In middle school I was heavily bullied and I even was abused by one of these classmates that thought it was funny to grab on my body (yes, I do have a nice set of boobs) whenever he thought convenient. If that guy is reading this, which I highly doubt, go fuck yourself. Anyway, those were the worst years of my life, let me tell you. I was even bullied by a teacher. This teacher used to be my brother's math teacher 13 years back, and he thought it was extremely funny to constantly remind me how my brother was so much better than me. Once again, nobody ever thought that my struggle with math was probably a product of an undiagnosed dyscalculia, but here I was. Bullied by my math teacher. Around this time, I still had competition in the classroom. Another of my classmates competed with me for the highest grades. But let me tell you. She was so beautiful. It was around this time that I should have started realizing that I probably liked girls because I now realize I had the biggest crush on her. I really didn't care if she was better than me, because she was beautiful, and she was cool and she was dating the boss of the bullies. The class used to hate on me every time I said in class that I loved a book, or every time I would answer a question, or that I would get a nice grade. I remember this classmate of mine that almost beat me up because I got a higher grade than him in technical art — because he wanted to be an architect but I was the top of the class. It was horrible. Those three years taught me to keep my interests to myself to not be hated. It made me hate all those things that made me happy. So I gradually convinced myself that the things I enjoyed...I was the only one enjoying them. Those things were mine and mine alone and nobody would ever understand me. I felt alone. Misunderstood. Hopeless, even. Because the things I liked I couldn't pursue.

This is why I chose a high school with a scientific path. Because my brother is an engineer and all my mother could say was how you couldn't live off of books. So I chose physics, chemistry, math and science in general. Because my family said those are the only things that matter. Because literature, and art, and history and philosophy will leave me jobless. Do you remember the undiagnosed dyscalculia? Yes, it wasn't funny. I failed pretty much all of my math tests. Physics I could pull off. I could decently pass chemistry and biology because it was mainly words and not a lot of numbers. But let me tell you — I was happy. My teachers were AMAZING. My math teacher, he is the nicest man in the world (he is also a feminist and an anarchist and I lost myself in conversations about the patriarchy with him a lot of times. He was very funny too. He is so intelligent, he probably could have guessed I had an undiagnosed dyscalculia but I forgive him for that). And my classmates were cool. They didn't bully me. We soon enough recognized that we were there for the same reason — we were all nerds in something. I was, of course, the nerd in humanities. The only incident I can report happened in the third year, when some of my classmates basically ambushed me and forced me to come out as an asexual bisexual (at the time I thought I was bi. Now I know that I was a lesbian in denial). I never forgave them because I used to trust them. But for the rest, things went smoothly. But where is the problem? Well, for four years I was forced to study things I didn't really enjoy. I was terrible. My grades sucked. I was good in Italian, in history and English and art and philosophy, but the key courses? Let's not even mention them. It was a disaster. I lost all of my confidence and all of my passion.

Which is why I decided to study Languages in uni. I wanted out of the scientific world. Back to humanities I go! It was not easy. My study methods were all calibrated to study and learn and memorize scientific stuff. I remember that I passed my Philology exam because I studied the High German consonant shift using my geometry method. I LOVED these past three years of uni. I don't think I was ever this happy. I finally was able to study something I liked, free of judgment (my family, by this point, recognized that my talents lied somewhere else, and not in chemistry or maths) and free of competition. I could be myself. Freedom.

But. There's always one, right? But this was not true freedom. I was still studying things I didn't really like. Like Spanish, for example. I had to choose a second language and Spanish was the easiest course — or so I was told, because let's be honest, that course was NOT easy, even as an Italian native speaker. Everyone that tells you that Spanish and Italian are similar is LYING. Anyway, you can well imagine how a person that lived through what I experienced can feel about studying stuff you don't like. It felt constraining.

During the past two years, I got very lucky. I found myself a partner that loves me for who I am. Friends that support me and love me and make me laugh and are there for me, and that are genuinely interested in my interests. Friends that root for me, even. My family did a complete 360 and now supports me and my plans for the future. I found a professor that not only accepted to be my supervisor but that goes on and beyond to help me in my career. I feel like I'm on top of the world.

Around two years ago, I realized which Master's I wanted to take. It's in the same university, my supervisor is one of the teachers. This means at least another year with my friends and my partner in the city I love, doing the things I enjoy the most. So, these last two years have felt like...a rite of passage. Like something I had to do in order to get to my Master's. Which can be a great motivator, but it can also transform everything that you do into a chore. I lacked intrinsic motivation. All of my motivation was external. "I have to take this Spanish exam so I can graduate and get to my Master's". That's what I thought for pretty much every single one of my exams. I am not gonna lie, if this is your mindset then studying becomes boring. That's what happened to me, I lost most of my motivation to study and do good. I wasn't studying for the sake of learning, I was studying to get a decent mark on the exam and get accepted in my Master's. It was not pretty. It got me pretty anxious too.

But now? Now everything is changing. I no longer have that kind of motivation. The classes I had to take "for the sake of the grade" are no longer there. All the classes of the next two years are interesting, fun, and motivating. Every single one of them will teach me something for my future career AND are genuinely interesting. Which means that, this time around, I have both internal AND external motivation.

Which is what brings me back to my main point. I feel, I KNOW I will crush this academic year. I have the potential to be at the top of my class again. I know I shouldn't brag (but damn I amaze and astonish, as Hamilton would say) but I really feel this way. My mindset shifted during these summer months and I cannot wait to test this new life philosophy. I really can't wait for this new, big adventure, and to see where it will take me. I hope it's somewhere bright and beautiful. I had enough of the darkness.

[delirium-mind]

How did you find out that you also like girls. Was it hard for you to accept that part of you?

It was always something that was kind of there. When I grew up and hit that stage that we all do where we start to be curious sexually, I was exposed to erotica type blogs and stories because ya know...parents didn't monitor us. But anyways, I found stories about girls having their first lesbian experiences. And it fascinated me, but I always kept it a secret and never really..I guess acknowledged what that part of me was or that it was real. As I've grown up its popped up here and there in various was (my attraction to women) and I had a few very minor experiences. I still wouldn't really acknowledge it though, I kept only really considering men. But I reached this point where ..I'm not sure. I guess I saw it around me enough that it was so normalized. It stopped feeling like a dirty secret I've had since I was a child and just felt like..yeah I love people and that can also include women.

It was definitely..confusing and difficult. I was raised in a household in a time where I wasn't always aware of what it was to be gay, and when I first learned what gay was it was..scandalous taboo..wrong or dirty. I have a gay cousin, and it just wasn't something we ever really acknowledged. And behind his back, or when he stirred up trouble (he did a lot, nothing to do with being gay) his gayness was used to be a mark against him. Even when eventually I did theatre and befriended many gay people, even my family befriending some of them...still gayness was not something truly accepted to be ok. Still people would support anti gay politics and beliefs. So it felt like a dirty shameful thing for a long time that I had these feelings. I kept them to myself for so many years and never really explored them for ages. I just felt like I had so many different pressures from everyone to fit a mold, an idea they had of who I should be and I was constantly breaking every single one of them and being such a disappointment. The disappointment was always ill recieved. I couldn't wear what I wanted, my self expression and discovery was completely controlled and cut off. I wasn't about to also add this to that mix. I lived online though, IMVU and shit. I had several long distance relationships, which did include women. It took years of my adult life to really figure out who I am and in truth I feel like I'm still settling in.

Theres obviously the stigma and prejudice, especially from older generations and family. People being scared of unknown, different, unpredictable or what they believe to be so horribly offensive to their own religious beliefs. I grew up in a very complicated and abusive household so I was also in no hurry to make anything worse. But I was also so used to being rejected or whatever for other parts of myself. I'm short, I have big boobs, eczema..crazy hair. Piercings. Colorful hair. Tattoos. I dress differently, I have always been different, in a million different ways and I guess I finally was like.. fuck it. A million and one wont mean shit.

I think that accepting I was attracted to women, and that it was ok ..was more about accepting that some people wouldn't agree, and that it was still ok anyways. That I am not here to please others. My purpose is to please myself, to do what makes me happy not what makes others feel comfortable.

It was hard because of the insecurity, the fear of others reactions or possible rejection of me. In the end of it all, your happiness is yours and it's all about what makes you feel good and happy. Not what others will judge to be right or wrong. And if you, or I kept/continue to live in fear of that, refusing to love and accept and embrace these parts of ourselves..then we will be destroying our own potential for love and joy. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who disagrees with your choices. Do not let them ruin your happiness. We all already have so much struggle and pain, don't add to it unnecessarily. Love is magic, and everybody deserves it.

**addition

I also have several health problems. I almost died, several times. The first at 15. I became aware of my own mortality very early and how important and fragile my my life is. How easy it can disappear, and how much I felt like I almost missed out ever having the chance to feel or do or see or say. Suddenly pleasing others started to matter less and less. In the grandscheme...the opinions of others hardly mean shit. Especially when most of the time they aren't going to stick around when I need a safe place, protection or support..so on and so on. And as for family or specifically parents..their job is to love you. Unconditionally. If they cant love and accept me as I am, thats their failure. Not mine.

[seeking-sanity]

Climbing Mountains

I never imagined myself hiking a mountain. 4,802ft at that... I never had a desire to spend time walking up a hill to walk back down, just to say I did it.

What I also never knew, was how much that hike would change my self reflection.

I have struggled with so many esteem issues. Weight being my "best handled", self-acceptance, self-worth, personal value, capability... being fully transparent, I didn't think I would ACTUALLY do it. I've never done more than hills, and really avoided those at most costs. I wanted to do this, because I was challenged. I wanted to do this because I said I could... to someone willing to hold me accountable.

I woke up far too early on a Saturday, completely ill-prepared... Ate the wrong breakfast [and regretted it for the rest of the day], drank too much water too fast, and wanted to quit on myself more times than I would ever admit...

I heard a man that has patiently showed me a kind love, a caring compassion, a friendly banter; tell me I could do it. Over and over. "just keep taking the next step, you got this." he was probably sick of saying it... I heard the sincerity in his voice at the trail head as he promised me we could turn back at any point...

we had driven 4 hours in moderately annoying traffic. I insisted on blasting a mystery playlist a zune I had incidently recently found and charged. I sang in my out of tune, doesn't really know all the proper lyrics and makes em up as I go, top of my lungs, 2000s angst voice.

He laughed at me and gently persuaded the skip button through the most annoying songs of our youth. Limewire downloads that digitally decayed over time, only one skip away from finding a vintage CD collection and a discman with the OG skull candy...

I insisted on bug spray, pushing the "i got this" confidence to the max with the deet 40 and fly spray... he spent the entire day helping me acheive goals I didn't know I had...

We got to the top of the moutain in 5 hours, the goal was 4 up 4 down. We made our day in 8. With breaks, and pictures, and a backpackers lunch at the summit. We shared a few moments with other hikers along the way... but what I didn't realize, until now- weeks later... we shared something more- trust.

I trusted this man with my life. Literally. I trusted him to accept my limits, push my boundaries, and accepted his encouragement when I had nothing left in me. We stood together on a 4802ft mountain, but it was the absolute top of the world.

It has been my experience, that people don't invest in people like me. People don't put effort into climbing walls, breaking gates, tending gardens filled with every sign of neglect. It would have been easy for him to quit on me too. To turn back, to act in any manner other than the gentle strength he shared to get me there.

It has been my experience that people I would do anything for, will do so little in return. I have raised children I didn't bear, paid bills that were not my own, funded vacations to places I didn't want to see. I have always only ever gotten what was easy. Effort, rarely at best.

This man... this kind, sweet man- has only ever gotten the most authentic me. the "take me as I am", the hardened shell after abusive heartbreak. He has gotten the reaction to assumed intention, the lash out of familiar behaviors even though he didn't follow the trend, he has gotten the "i'm not running, but I'm not trying either" version of me most of the time...

Not to say I'm reckless. Or that I disregard his feelings. I just- was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to fall into fitting the same mold...

This man proves daily, in a thousand consistent ways, he is different.

I don't beg for attention, I don't lack it either. I don't exhaust myself looking for activities, he makes an effort to plan dates too. I don't search for a connection constantly, insecure that it will cease to exist at any time... it just blooms. Like mountain laurel on the appalachain, beautiful. simple. strong, well rooted.

I climbed a mountain, with a man I wanted to spend time with. What I found on top of that mountain, was the insight to a man that was finding ways to show me everything beautiful. To share the moment with me.

The top of that mountain was a moment I hadn't even thought about, taking credit for the work it took to get there. The "don't quit" that was said so gently, screaming echos in my soul... he believed in me, for what seemed impossible to me.

We hiked back down that mountain, my whole body felt different. I appreciated it more. I was capable. I am strong. I walked beside the man that is making me believe I am as beautiful as the sun rising over the peaks... I hiked down that mountain with a confidence, a feeling of overwhelming success. Everyone else has quit on me, fell short of being willing to cheer me on for one more step... I conquer a mountain with a man that didn't quit for either of us. He never lost patience, never lost confidence in making it to the top- and back down- and out. My steps were so much lighter. Recognizing the gift that hike was. For me, believing I could do it. For me, excited to take on more. For me, seeing a man stand beyond every trauma response pre-determined thought process... For me, making it beyond the self imposed limits, walls- that I had so carefully lived behind...

I walked down that mountain leaving behind every insecurity I had let the past burden me with. I walked down the mountain next to a man willing to stand beside me for ALL the mountains, all the ups and downs. A man willing to believe in me, even when it is hard. That keeps rooting for us, when I'm letting me drag us down. That is willing to take ONE.MORE.STEP with me.

We left that trail head, and sat in the car... exhausted. 11.41 miles of pushing my body and mind to its self imposed limits. I looked at him, smiling a big goofy smile. He laughed a little, and asked me what mountain I wanted to do tomorrow.

Do the thing you didn't think you'd ever do. Believe you can do it. Go for the one you always wondered about...

Climb the mountain.

[sokkastyles]

In your last post you talked a lot about how Zuko respects Iroh. Could you give some examples of that? Because I'm feeling like Zuko doesn't really respect anyone, he (understandably) has an ego and thinks he's above everyone, even if he's working on

It is such a shame that Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005) was cancelled after two episodes.

Lol, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm gonna assume you aren't just a troll and treat this like you actually want a serious answer, because it gives me an opportunity to meta about Zuko and Iroh's relationship.

I would say that the Zuko we are introduced to has a pretty big ego, yeah, and thinks he's above everyone else. He's incredibly disrespectful to most everyone he meets, including his long-suffering uncle. When I started the show I knew through cultural osmosis that Zuko would get redeemed, and from the first episode I was like "alright, I'm ready to see how the show is gonna make me like this asshole." I especially did have a negative reaction to the way he treats Iroh in the beginning, because Iroh is one of the first characters I loved. I also was sympathetic to Iroh because I'm an adult, and an adult who works with kids. If any of my students said to me some of the stuff that Zuko says to Iroh I'd be like, yeah, okay, detention for you young man.

It's also pretty clear from early on though that Zuko's ego comes from a deep insecurity and low self-esteem. That doesn't make the things he does any better, and yes he is incredibly disrespectful to Iroh, especially when Iroh contradicts him about his mission. That's also related to his deep insecurity and trauma surrounding his father, of course, because Zuko needs to believe that he can win back his father's acceptance to cope with what his father did to him, but that doesn't excuse it.

He says some incredibly nasty things to Iroh. In the first episode we see him respond angrily when Iroh won't teach him more advanced firebending, and Zuko responds, as he does several times, by trying to imitate his father's brand of coercion and intimidation. Iroh is like, not impressed, and he puts up with a lot of crap from Zuko but he also doesn't let it get to him because he's a responsible adult and he wants to support Zuko in the way he can. Which also means telling him off sometimes because dude.

Zuko thinks Iroh is lazy and a failure, and resents the fact that Iroh is keeping him from what he says he is "more than ready" for, and tries to bully Iroh when he doesn't get his way, but then we see in the third episode, "The Southern Air Temple," Zuko's fight with Zhao. We see that for all Zuko's complaining about Iroh's teaching, he does what Iroh taught him to do, he sticks to his basics, and he wins. Iroh says that Zuko is honorable and we see that Zuko appreciates Iroh's support. It's also implied by the way Zhao mentions humiliating Zuko in front of his uncle that Zuko wants Iroh to be proud of him, that it's obvious to Zhao how close they are.

Another example of the show letting us know that Zuko cares more about his uncle than he lets on is when he threatens to leave Iroh behind in "Winter Solstice" but then comes back for him to find him gone, and goes out of his way to search for him, even setting aside his hunt for Aang. Zuko fights the earthbenders to save Iroh and Iroh compliments his form, to which Zuko says Iroh taught him well. This episode does a lot to develop Zuko as a character and his relationship with Iroh because not only do we see that Zuko cares for his uncle, but that, contrary to his rudeness and dismissiveness in episode one, Zuko does respect Iroh as a teacher and a bender.

There's a lot of examples like this where Zuko says one thing but does another, because Zuko is a character who, at the beginning of the story, carries a lot of cognitive dissonance and guards his real feelings about things. His relationship with Iroh is an example. This isn't very surprising because it's pretty common in child psychology. Especially with kids who have been abused, they will rebel against an authority figure and push back in any way they can to see if they can find a breaking point. Iroh's endlessly patient and supportive but solid and firm presence is something Zuko is not used to and doesn't know how to deal with. But it's very clear that Zuko relies on Iroh as a father and mentor, even when Zuko doesn't realize it yet.

"The Avatar State" in another episode that shows how much Zuko relies on Iroh. At the beginning of the episode Zuko is sitting apart and it's implied that he's not happy with Iroh relaxing and getting a massage, but Zuko also opens up to Iroh about his feelings about his father. Zuko also is dismissive and rude to Iroh again in this episode, criticizing Iroh for collecting shells and also insulting Iroh when Iroh contradicts him about going with Azula, but then Zuko is happy when Iroh goes with him to Azula's ship, and we get that flash of the image of Ozai with his hand on Zuko's shoulder. This tells us that Zuko sees Iroh as the kind of mentor figure that he wishes his father were, even if, again, Zuko doesn't quite realize this yet. There are many other examples like this where Zuko is frustrated by not getting Iroh's approval on something because he wants Iroh to be proud of him. Like when he steals the teapot and gives it to Iroh and Iroh is not interested in stolen items. Zuko's clearly hurt by not having Iroh's approval, which is a big part of why he left Iroh, and Iroh knows that Zuko is struggling to find himself but also still needs his support.

Then you have "Bitter Work," the lightning bending, and Zuko's look of total admiration when Iroh is bending lightning and teaching Zuko a move that he invented himself. Like I said before, it's clear that Zuko respects Iroh as a powerful bender. This is also echoed in that scene in the book two finale when Iroh is about to breathe fire and Zuko has this look of "wow my uncle is going to beat you so bad this is going to be great!"

There's also a lot of little stuff in the Ba Sing Se arc that show that Zuko respects Iroh and values him as a mentor figure. He lets Iroh do his hair for his date with Jin! It looks terrible! Zuko has no idea how to behave on a date so he's like um, uncle said to give you this coupon! Look how smart my uncle is! Of course the culmination of that arc is Zuko's fever and his awakening which gives him a renewed respect for Iroh, and he actually makes an effort to show Iroh how much he values him. He still betrays Iroh in Ba Sing Se but it's not the "I hate you and you smell!" thing that the play portrays it as. One of the reasons Zuko was so confused there was because he felt like his uncle was telling him contradictory things, and he couldn't reconcile his uncle's wisdom with what he'd been taught to believe by Ozai.

But it's finally losing Iroh as that pillar of support that makes Zuko truly realize how much he does value his uncle. It still takes him a while to get there, and he again pushes back against Iroh when Iroh won't talk to him in prison and blames him for his own internal turmoil. But when he does finally get there, it's such a slap in the face to Ozai that Zuko on the Day of Black Sun tells him to his face that Iroh is his real father, that Zuko is going to fall to his knees and beg for Iroh's forgiveness, because Zuko has realized that Iroh is the one who really deserves his respect. Not only does Zuko tell Ozai that he, in fact, did not teach him anything about respect, but the respect Ozai tried to get from his son through cruelty and control is something Zuko will freely give to Iroh.

Then Zuko spends the next several episodes constantly talking about how great Iroh is, how much he misses him, how good he is at making tea and telling jokes, how wise he is, and what an ass he, Zuko, had been to him. He follows Iroh's advice and humbles himself because Iroh always said he didn't think things through enough, he works hard to make himself into someone his uncle would be proud of. Then when he does meet Iroh again he asks for forgiveness, but he says that even if Iroh won't forgive him he would try to make it up to him. He's completely humbled himself and it's so satisfying because it's the fulfilment of their relationship arc, and you can feel the love and respect that these two characters have for each other. And it's directly meant to contrast with what Ozai said about respect, because Ozai is full of shit.

And then Zuko just like automatically assumes that Iroh will be the Fire Lord and Iroh's like "Zuko did you forget that you are the crown prince?" And Zuko, bless his heart, is like "but I made so many mistakes."

I'm sorry, but if you're gonna keep arguing that Zuko, at this point, still "thinks he's above everyone else" then you are just being willfully obtuse.

Not to mention the fact that Zuko's crowning moment as Fire Lord is him giving a speech about how he wants to serve others, to heal the world, and even the applause and praise that he, in the beginning, wanted from others is something he doesn't accept. He tells everyone that Aang is the real hero. And Aang is a hero but like, Zuko is a hero, too, by showing heroic qualities like being selfless and humble and caring towards others. And then his last scene is not him as Fire Lord, but serving tea to everyone dressed in Earth Kingdom clothes.

And who does he serve tea to first? Uncle.

[transboykirito]

Please elaborate on Suguha having BPD, I show a lot of symptoms of BPD but I’m too scared to get tested so she means a lot to me :))

hi before i start this explanation i wanted to first say i know firsthand how terrifying it can feel and it can feel so isolating and... all the things i don't have words for. but i’ve been there and it does get a little easier - it gets hard too, and it feels like a constant uphill climb, but... the good moments do exist and they’re important too.

this is going to be a long post because there’s a lot i want to cover (seriously there’s so much evidence to support this headcanon that i would genuinely believe it if reki said this was what he intended when he wrote her)

disclaimer first of all: i am not a psychiatrist, i'm just someone who has bpd and notices a lot of my own traits in suguha. i'm happy to be debated or corrected on anything in this post, as long as it's done respectfully.

childhood - catalyst + development

okay so let's start off right at the beginning in what i'm gonna call the catalyst - aka, bits and pieces and what i think could've led to suguha developing bpd.

we don't know for sure what directly causes bpd, but there's a link between bpd and trauma. contrary to popular belief, suguha did actually have a rough childhood, you could easily call it traumatic (the light novels do, in fact, explicitly say it’s traumatic)

one of the things that can be linked to bpd is growing up in an abusive or unstable home and witnessing abuse (even if it wasn't directed at the person with bpd) - remember how suguha grew up with a father who worked away, a mother who was scarcely present and how she quite literally physically had to stop her brother getting beaten by their grandfather? that alone could've caused it. add in kazuto "abandoning" her for years and getting trapped in sao, i'd say we have more than enough grounds to support how she could've developed it.

emotions

so next we move onto how it presents itself (again, this post is written on the assumption suguha has bpd). bpd presents itself a lot in how the person feels emotions, the way they perceive emotions and the way they interact with relationships. this section is focusing on how suguha presents, explains and acts on her emotions.

for the most part, leafa’s one of the most passionate characters in sao. she’s also one of the few side characters who get in-depth descriptions about their emotions. the one thing i noticed is her emotions constantly have such strong physical reactions. multiple times her emotions are described as so painful she physically struggles to breathe.

[quote] Every time she did, she was struck with an indescribable emotion; it was a sharp twinge, striking deep in her heart. Her breathing grew painful. It made her want to hold herself and fall to the floor. [end quote]

[quote] Embarrassment, shyness and an undeniable feeling of his sweetness raced around inside of her, gripping her chest so painfully she couldn’t breathe. [end quote]

emotions with bpd feel like all or nothing. they’re oftentimes so intense you physically feel them take over your body. the way suguha’s emotions are described resonated with me for that exact reason. especially the fact her happiness is still laced with anxiety about when things will be difficult again, yet her negative emotions are intense and confronting.

the idea that suguha overreacts to small things also makes a hell of a lot more sense if we look at it with the assumption she has bpd. minor inconveniences can feel impossible to overcome and any kind of heartbreak or rejection genuinely feels like the end of the world. she isn’t being irrational (at least, not in her own brain), she’d reacting the only way it feels like she can when her emotions are that powerful.

her screaming, crying and flailing all seem more reasonable if i’m assuming her emotions are constantly threatening to overflow. she physically needs to get the emotions out somehow - it’s kinda like autistic stimming, in a way, for me at least

her emotions also take over from her rationality. it’s a common trait in anime, yes, but i think it’s relevant enough to this theory/headcanon to be included here. she prioritises her emotions over her physical health in some cases, an example that immediately comes to mind is her staying up way too late playing alo with kirito despite the fact she was physically exhausted the next day and she knew she would be

favourite person/relationship with kazuto

one of the most notable parts of having bpd (in my experience) is my favourite person (fp). this is someone who, for better or worse, a person with bpd’s entire world basically revolves around. it’s common for someone with bpd’s entire mood to be controlled by their fp’s mood or how they feel their fp perceives them. it’s also common to be incredibly jealous and border on being possessive of your fp (though, this is something that should be worked on and boundaries should be set)

sure enough, these are feelings we see suguha experience with kazuto. significant amounts of her time is spent trying to figure out what he’s thinking - especially about her - and what she needs to do for them to be as close as they used to be.

suguha’s moods fluctuate depending on how she thinks kazuto feels about her. if she thinks he‘s distant from her, she easily falls into a spiral of guilt and self-loathing. if they’re happy together, she’s happy with undertones of cautions, wondering how long it’s going to last. even when she knows kazuto’s happy and content, she still worries about the next time he’ll break down and/or she gets upset when she remembers that she isn’t the only one who makes him happy

she also gets jealous when she finds out about asuna, not specifically because kazuto wouldn’t return “romantic” feelings to her, but because someone else was taking up his time and space in his heart. actually, reading the light novels, i get the impression suguha doesn’t really care if her supposedly romantic feelings are returned, she just wants her and her brother to be close again. 

their entire relationship screams of him being her fp - though, as time passes i do think they work out how to handle that relationship in the healthiest way possible, which, in their case, seems like suguha spending time with kazuto’s friend group helps that jealousy and him making more time for her at home is helpful too

bpd also explains why she can come across as rude or indifferent to nagata.it isn’t that she particularly dislikes him, we know she considers him a friend, but he isn’t her fp. it’s fairly common to idolise and prioritise your fp to the point they’re the only person you focus on. you can still like people and have other friends - you can even have deep and meaningful relationships with other people - but you express those feelings in those relationships differently to your fp (in my own personal experience, i dated someone while having someone else as my fp, and while i deeply deeply cared for my partner, i didn’t know how to express that to them in a way that didn’t feel like i was “betraying” how deeply i adored my fp - i am working on that...)

the outburst -  episodes 22 + 23

this is the part i was excited to write because it’s the scene that convinced me she has bpd (again, even if that’s not what reki intended) - so we’re gonna break this down because this scene is just... so much

for this i’ll be referring to the anime while adding additional context from the light novels, because the anime captures it really well

for context for the excerpt, suguha’s just found out that kazuto and kirito are the same person and logged out of alo.

[quote] The sobs came pouring from her throat. Her hands impulsively clenched the fragile device, no more than two thin circles of plastic. It began to bend, creaking faintly with the pressure.

She almost wanted to break the AmuSphere, to permanently sever her pathway to that other world - but she couldn’t. She felt too sorry for Leafa, the girl living on the other side of the ring.

Suguha put the device on top of her bed and sat up. She put her feet on the floor, closed her eyes, and hung her head. She just didn’t want to think about anything. [end quote]

this was interesting to me because it says she almost broke the amusphere impulsively, the only thing that stopped her fro doing it was leafa, who, for all intents and purposes, in this scene she’s somewhat referring to as a different person altogether. again, she’s prone to making impulsive and irrational destructive decisions.

be warned, this is a big excerpt, but there’s a lot of subtle information i want to be able to reference, so i’m adding it all here. anime screencaps provided, because i really love the way they animated this scene. their expressions are so fucking good.

[quote] She couldn’t stop the current of emotion from tearing through her. Suguha leaped to her feet and strode to the door. She turned the knob and pulled, and there was Kazuto. He looked at her with obvious concern.

“I... I...” Her feelings turned into tears and tears into words before she could stop them. “I-I betrayed my own heart. I betrayed my love for you.”

At last she had spoken the word love to his face, but it slashed at her chest, her throat, her lips, like a knife. The pain seared at her, but she kept going.

“I was going to forget, to give up, to fall in love with Kirito. In face, I already had. And yet... and yet...”

“Huh...?”

For several seconds he gaped at her silently. Then he whispered, “You love...? But... we’re...”

“I know.”

“...Huh...?”

“I already know.”

Oh no, she thought. But she couldn’t stop. She put all of her raging emotions into her stare and pushed on, lips trembling.

“We aren’t real siblings. I’ve known that for over two years!!”

No. Suguha hadn’t asked her mother to hold back on revealing that she knew the truth to Kazuto just so that she could hurl her feelings at him like this. She wanted time to properly consider what it meant, and what she could do about it. [end quote]

this scene really emphasises, multiple times, the fact suguha doesn’t want to be yelling at him and hurting him. she’s highly aware of the fact she should stop, but she physically can’t stop herself from saying it, even if she knows she’s saying cruel things she doesn’t mean.

i’ll get to the splitting thing in just a second, but please keep in mind how much suguha feels like she can’t control what she’s doing and saying here, it’s important later.

you know how i said that having bonds with other people can sometimes feel like you’re betraying your fp and how you feel about them? ahem. “i fell in love with this other person and betrayed the feelings i had for you”... :( been there

i particularly adore the way it describes her emotions feeling like a knife cutting through her as she’s trying to get the words out. again, more than any other sao character, suguha’s often the one being given physical representation of her emotions like this, especially the hurtful ones. i think it’s really well done.

[quote] “When you quit practicing kendo and started avoiding me years ago, it was because you learned the truth, wasn’t it? You were keeping your distance because you knew I wasn’t your real sister. So why have you decided to be nice to me now?!” [end quote]

note here how she immediately blames herself for kazuto quitting kendo, saying that he quit because he wanted to avoid her, when he actually quit before he even knew he was adopted because he has no passion for it like he does with computers and gaming.

this, i think, would be her splitting. i’ll do my absolute best to describe it, but it’s basically trying to see things as one set, firm way. aka, “it was 100% my fault this happened” or “this is all your fault because you’re an asshole” when you think about a situation.

for suguha, in this scene, it’s kinda like she’s putting the blame on herself while being mad at him for it. she sees this as her fault but she’s holding that bitterness towards him for being absent.

again, to bring back to the point that she’s barely in control of anything she’s saying in this scene and the fact it’s putting her in pain to say all of this, this is what splitting can feel like. it’s actually a pretty decent example of it - and that’s not even the author’s intention to do so.

people with bpd can split without even being aware of it, like they have no control over their thoughts or actions. just like we see suguha doing here.

[quote] No matter how much she knew she ought to stop, she couldn’t. As Suguha’s words echoed through the cold hallway, Kazuto’s black eyes gradually lost their expression.

“I... I was so happy when you came back from SAO. I was so happy you started treating me the way you used to, I thought you finally saw me for who I was.”

At last, two teardrops hit her cheeks. She rubbed at them fiercely and strained to push the voice from her lungs.

“But... after this, I’d rather you kept being cold to me. Then I wouldn’t have realised that I love you... I wouldn’t have been sad to learn about Asuna... and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Kirito to replace you!!”

Kazuto’s eyes grew just a bit wider, and then his expression froze. After several seconds in which everything seemed to have stopped, his eyes wavered, then looked down. A single word came from his mouth.

“...Sorry...”

In the two months since he’d awakened, Kazuto’s eyes had always been full of a tender, gentle light when he looked at Suguha. Now that light was gone, and a deep darkness had taken it’s place. Suguha felt sharp regret pierce her chest as painfully as any blade.

“...Just leave me alone.”

She couldn’t stand to look at him any longer. Suguha slammed the door to escape the guilt and self-loathing that threatened to crush her. She stumbled back several steps until her heel hit the bed, and she fell over onto it. [end quote]

so there, in explicit words, suguha feels self-loathing for hurting kazuto. that’s such a strong word and i need to highlight that. she genuinely hates herself for hurting him immediately after she does it despite acknowledging she doesn’t mean anything that she said. this is, quite literally, splitting in an extreme outburst.

this is what convinced me suguha has bpd. this right here. because this is a feeling i’ve felt so much, an outburst i’ve unfortunately experienced (with some slight differences, of course). her thoughts, emotions and reactions all resonated with me because i’ve been in that situation. it’s not a nice situation to be in and my god the amount of love and adoration i have for this character for still not giving up and still fighting for the person she loves after this... i love her. i love the both of them so fucking much.

euphoria

okay that scene is miserable here, some happy sugu to end it out. because, yes, bpd is exhausting and angry and isolating and impulsive and irrational. but the bonds you can form, if done healthily with lots of communication and understanding and patience, can be some of the strongest bonds you can have and your highs and absolute, pure euphoria.

[quote] As both a fairy warrior and a kendo athlete, Leafa had to admire Kirito’s ability. He was equally adept at both offense and defense, as smooth and beautiful as a dance. The longer she matched his rhythym of strikes and sways, the more Leafa felt that she was ascending to new heights she’d never experienced before. None of the duels she’d ever taken part in here had ever truly satisfied her. She’d lost before, but it was always due to some special quality of the opponents weapon, or a spell. No one had ever bested Leafa through sword skill alone.

Now that she’d finally found someone who was even better, and he was her beloved, Leafa was filled with something like joy. Even if they never shared their hearts again, this special moment was enough for her. In time, she noticed that there were tears pooling in her eyes. [end quote]

end notes

so yeah. there’s just a tiny breakdown of that scene and why i personally think suguha has bpd. a lot of it is because i relate to her experiences and emotions, and once again i’m not saying that reki intended her to have bpd. this is all my personal opinion and some supporting arguments i managed to pull from two volumes.

suguha is a character i desperately clung to when i was in the process of getting my bpd diagnosis, because she felt like one of the only characters who would’ve possibly been able to understand how i was feeling. which is weird to say, because she’s a fictional character, it’s not like i can call her on the phone and ask “hey do you relate to how absolutely batshit i feel while these people run a bunch of tests on me like i’m some kind of fucked up zoo animal? really? you can? that’s great, let’s be best friends!” but... in a way, that’s how it felt?

i escaped into her world with her as i read and watched sao and she helped me to feel less alone in all the utterly terrifying feelings i had. i held onto her the same way i held onto kazuto and shino through my hardest ptsd breakdowns and panic attacks, how i held onto asuna, eugeo, tiese and ronye when my ptsd made me feel like i was living in someone else’s body.

intentional or not, reki wrote a character that made me feel a little more understood in a situation where i couldn’t have possibly understood less. and i think that’s something special.

[etheriadearie]

“Promise”

Why can't you just… Promise ?

Today's goal is an in-depth look at one of the most beautiful and breathtaking episodes of She-ra: "Promise"

Storywise, it's incredibly important to the series, and focuses entirely on Catradora. It's the first time since Adora left Catra behind to seek out the sword that the girls really have an opportunity to talk, and things are not going well. Both of them are royally pissed off at the other, with good reason.

For Adora, we're gonna deflate that proud hair poof of hers a bit, as we'll take an honest look at her as a person at this point in her life. And Catra... she's really guarding her feelings closely, as she's already deeply angry with Adora. But we will use the combination of Catra's younger self in the memories they see, plus looking at other times in the series that relate to this episode, where she was less guarded, in order to understand her as a person at this time. Also: warning: tl;dr, best enjoyed while cozy with a drink..

To get started, we skip to when they end up stuck together…

After Adora takes drastic measures to ward off the security spiders by collapsing the tunnel, the girls are now stuck together, and so… they talk...

We immediately see how incredibly irritated they are with each other as Adora chides Catra for being in the Crystal Castle, since the monsters will continue to attack them as long as she's protecting Catra… only to have Catra retort that she didn't ask for protection. Some snippy bickering back and forth happens, then...

Adora asks: "Does Shadow Weaver know you're here?" Very deadpan assertion from Adora. She knows Catra must be disobeying orders, she just doesn't know why.

"I'd say Shadow Weaver has bigger problems right now". Catra is already starting her move against SW back at the Horde. With SW abusively blocking her every move within the Horde, and now that Catra knows that SW was going to mind wipe Adora, Catra has decided she must deal with her abuser.

Adora puts on her telltale sideways grin, and Catra chafes at Adora's flirtation, saying "I told you it's not because I like you” downplaying Adora’s suggestion that this was the reason she let her go. Catra freely admits here that she does like Adora, but it's not the real reason she did it. Still, Catra doesn't explain further, and we see later that Catra often lets Adora explain away her actions this way... but that Adora constantly misses the deeper truths.

"Where are your new best friends? I thought you did everything together". She's very snarky and dismissive of Adora and her flirting. She's mad about Adora leaving her for her new life.

"The ones you let SW imprison and curse?" Adora is angry at Catra for what she did, which was a sudden escalation of things by Catra.

"Yeah obviously, what other friends would I be talking about?" An obvious dig at Adora for leaving her, everything behind. She deadpans this, staring back plainly. Catra is obviously really angry at Adora... while Adora is legitimately mad at Catra for doing something so nasty to Bow and Glimmer...

::Let's take a moment to talk about Catra's feelings about Adora's new friends: Catra feels horribly betrayed by this. Adora completely tossed her aside, and replaced her with Bow and Glimmer. What comes to mind is at the end of Sea Gate, Catra is thrown in the water and then looks up at Adora, who is celebrating and cuddling with Bow and Glimmer. Catra is emotionally forlorn watching this, as Scorpia comes to drag her off to safety, Adora doesn't even look back towards her.

She's forgotten, Adora showed no love towards her at all in that scene (and then hardly any at Princess Prom, either). Adora ignored her plea for her to return, she didn't reach out to Catra at all. And now she watches her cuddle with her new friends: everything Catra thought she had with Adora meant nothing, and she's been replaced with these feel goodie goods who are fawning all over Adora.

Suffice to say, Catra couldn't do this, she's got way too many issues with emotional intimacy and touch aversion. So she watches Adora, seeing that what she offered her wasn't good enough, knowing because of it she's forgotten. Catra was trying really hard to be a close friend to Adora in spite of her issues, but as we will see, Adora wasn't trying to understand what was going on with Catra. And because of this, Catra was too afraid to express her affection openly, and yet here's Adora... accepting all of Bow and Glimmer’s love, for which Adora really did nothing to earn. Adora took Catra’s friendship for granted while ignoring her deeper needs, as will be explained, then completely abandons her, not even seeming to miss her. Catra is deeply hurt by the unfairness of this.

>Catra stares back at Adora, frustrated when she doesn't even acknowledge their lost friendship.

"Well, we don't need to go together. You do your weird little magic quest thing I'll find my own way out". Catra looks resentfully at the sword on Adora's back as she says this. Catra is laying down boundaries, except it's useless since they are trapped together. But, boundaries are important to Catra and as the episode progresses, Adora shows that she doesn't really understand Catra's.

>As they walk along, both girls' shadows loom equally tall. The symbolism is that in this story, both are equally important... it's also a shockingly beautiful sequence. (pic above)

After entering the room of infinite darkness, Catra tries to separate from Adora but the door is gone, they are stuck together. Weird things start happening. As the Fright Zone appears, both of them are confused. Adora decides to suspect Catra, after all, she attacked her friends. But as Adora grabs Catra, Catra is surprised and confused... Catra doesn't like being touched unexpectedly, Adora knows this but is ignoring that and attacking her. She gets treated as an enemy when she clearly hasn't done anything wrong, and it sets the tone for the two of them: Adora has constantly treated Catra as an enemy since the very moment she defected, not even trying to understand Catra's point of view. And so Catra increasingly emotionally distances herself from Adora. Catra angrily casts Adora's arm aside, not liking being vilified by her, and Adora doesn't understand why Catra is so upset. Catra slips away to explore, needing space from her.

The way Adora immediately suspects and then attacks Catra is symbolic to the whole episode: by defecting to the Rebellion, Adora chose to start treating Catra, and her entire unit, as enemies, backing it up with hostility. But Catra doesn't really agree that the horde is evil... in her experience, it's just how life is.

>The two girls, now separated, call out to each other. Adora hears Catra's call, then another: young Catra is behind her, looking lost and insecure. Catra joins Adora as their first memory has just begun…

~DISCLAIMER TIME~ A lot of information in She-ra is inferred by emotional context, so if this seems a bit head-canon-y, I assure you, I have data! Please ask questions and seek clarifications, I promise to answer back! ~EtheriaDearie

>A worried and hurt young Catra runs to young Adora's side. She is emotional and needs support. Adora checks her out then gets the real deal: Catra was in a fight with an adult. It hints that Catra always had to deal with people messing with her, even before SW began her abuse. This is a guess, but it's probable: this is likely a happy memory of the two of them right before the hurting began. Along with the "promise" memory and the moments immediately preceding their entering the Black Garnet chamber, these scenes set the baseline for what their friendship was like before Catra suffered SW’s abuse. Also, this memory is a happy one, and how Adora remembers their friendship: it was likely triggered by her memories. The next ones are not, as I believe they are triggered by Catra, who is trying to explain to Adora what was so painful about their childhood...

>Catra doesn't know what to expect when she shows Octavia to Adora. She probably expects Adora to try to apologize on her behalf, or to give her a hard time about what she did. Instead, Adora sticks with her friend and yells “Hey Octavia, you're a dumbface." This brings young Catra much joy, Adora is sticking with her, not passing judgement. The two young girls run together hand in hand, experiencing childhood bliss, but it doesn't last. The present versions of themselves return, holding hands...

They share a brief moment of connection before Catra pulls her hand away in anger. Adora is surprised at the strength of Catra’s reaction. They are not on intimate terms any more, in fact, I suspect they had been struggling for a while before Adora's defection. Adora doesn't want the moment to stop, but Catra does. It hints that the gulf between them is already wide.

"How can you deal with all this magic stuff?" Catra has a deep distrust of magic, as it was used in her abuse. She resents it, and throughout the series whenever anything magic happens that she doesn't see coming she gets creeped out.

"I'm only dealing with it because I need to figure out how to heal Glimmer after someone got her cursed." It's a valid criticism, but Catra deflects it.

"What do you want? An apology? You're not getting one." We don't get the full story on this moment until season 5 when a young Catra tells Adora she'll "never say sorry to anybody, ever." Adora doesn't like Catra just refusing to explain, and as Catra pushes her away, Catra is full of reproach at Adora's judgement.

::As an abused child, Catra was continuously vilified and abused by everyone but Adora. And when Adora would suggest she apologize throughout their lives, she can't understand why Catra won't. It comes down to literally everyone in the world judging Catra and being cruel. Not once did any of them apologize to her, even though she didn't do anything to deserve the abuse. Except Adora... but that has issues, too. In fact, SW literally tells her "I won't apologize" regarding her abuse of Catra. Can you imagine the hurt at that?

[pic caption: Catra refuses to apologize, Catra often shows her deeper emotions while blinking, in this case: the incredible pain she experienced from SW’s abuse.]

So no, Catra won't apologize, she had a thing she was trying to do by kidnapping Bow and Glimmer and taking her sword, and it ended badly. But she felt she had a good reason to do it: she wanted to force Adora to see her, to make her acknowledge how big of a part of Adora’s life Catra used to be. And it's not like anyone has been helping Catra, she's had to make every single decision on her own her entire life and live with the consequences.

Also, mistakes for Catra have an entirely different meaning than they do for Adora. Whenever Adora made a mistake, she was given an opportunity to fix it. This is a theme of their relationship: Adora expects Catra to let her fix her mistakes. But for Catra, she learned that any mistake she made was dangerous, as when she did make a mistake, SW would torture her for it. And if other people saw it too, they'd use it to perpetuate the notion that she's some kind of no good fuck up. So Catra is extremely careful to not make mistakes, and if she does, she tries to cover it up, distance herself from it. (note: this isn't the same as Catra's intentional rebellions against this system where she was unfairly targeted for abuse-). This is why Catra simply cannot forgive Adora easily for breaking her promise: in Catra's world, she had to be perfect, or she could have been dead by SW's hand. She wasn't allowed to make mistakes like Adora is, she is what is clinically known as 'hyper vigilant' and always preparing for the worst. And so she applies this standard to be perfect all the time to Adora, and therefore she won't give Adora the same license to make mistakes with their friendship. Catra thinks Adora should know better, and see the consequences of her actions.

>Adora lets it go: when Catra seems to shut down, Adora does her best to try to accept her. Adora tries a different track. She asks Catra why she let her and Glimmer go when SW had them imprisoned, when it could have resulted in Catra getting in trouble. Catra walks ahead, trying to distance herself from having to answer. But the magic of the Crystal Castle intervenes: as Adora slips and begins to fall, Catra saves her. It's a symbolic moment: Catra has always tried to protect Adora, to save her from pain. It's why she changed course to give the sword back to her, partly.

"Did you really think I'd just let SW erase your memory like that?"

"I don't know. Probably." Adora shows such little understanding of their friendship. It shows Adora really is thinking of Catra as an enemy, not as the complicated person stuck between protecting her friend, and the cruel necessities of her life.

Catra looks at Adora with disappointment. "Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me." Adora tries to understand Catra's emotions, fails.

"Huh, can you blame me?" Ouch. Adora smiles at Catra, trying to show love for her roguish quirks. But it just shows how little Adora understands: she is repeating a negative stereotype of Catra that everyone in their old life believes and perpetuates. And Adora should know better, instead of just assuming the worst about her. That persona is one which Catra uses to protect herself, partly from her own emotional feelings, but also as a necessity to protect herself from SW. She had to act like she doesn't care, doesn't try, so SW wouldn't see her power.

"Psh, not really." As Catra turns away, again she deadpans this but you can see pain and disappointment leaking past her indifference.

As she walks away she trails her tail across Adora's hand, flirting and drawing Adora's attention to her butt. It's a cute little moment of telling a truth to counter the lie: 'Adora, you should know me better, and also, I like you.' Still, it's only a half truth: Catra couldn't let SW win because SW is Catra's true enemy. But, Adora takes the flirtatious hint, as always. She accepts it and doesn't dig deeper.

Catra asks Adora about their childhood, trying to understand how Adora could just throw it all away. Adora gives a very direct and impassioned speech, she looks Catra in the eyes, trying to convince her and make her understand why leaving was the right thing to do. Catra hides her emotions, weighing Adora's answer. She doesn't agree with her sentiment, in Catra's experience good and evil are relative and exist as such everywhere. Also, she's right: we meet many people in the Horde who aren't evil. And Adora's finding the sword is one giant sinister manipulation by Light Hope. Moral grayness is a constant theme in this show. Still, this isn't really why Catra chooses to stay with the Horde.

Adora sees her explanation failing to convince Catra, so she tries reminding Catra of their deeper friendship, telling her she misses her too. Catra is temporarily taken aback at being called out before remembering to deny it. She tells Adora to get over herself, and Adora tells her she won't stop until Catra says she likes her. They flirtatiously rough house, and Catra smiles during it: yeah, she does. But she denies it anyways.

::Adora often tries to be respectful of Catra's personal space but is making an exception here: she's telling her that she finds her desirable, and if Catra wanted it, they could be together. Adora can't understand why Catra feels the need to resist this, but she knows doing it helps her friend feel wanted. Still, this shows how casually Adora views their attraction.

Yes, they should be together. And actually, they had an unspoken agreement that they would be. But Catra's not going to open herself up to that just to serve her desire. She wants more from Adora, for Adora to show her that she really does see her, and cares about her. If she did, maybe Catra could open up about some of her pain. Being intimate without doing that would be impossible, and so far Catra's life still isn't safe enough to risk her feelings. Adora's promotion could have meant the beginning of something new between them, where they worked together to build a more secure future together where Catra didn't have to be fearful all the time. But instead, Adora left her.

So begins the second memory. The two girls, now teenagers, compete against each other in sparring. It's clear they are flirting, and neither is fighting all out. When Catra taunts Adora by putting her finger to her forehead, she shows how much better she is at fighting. She full heartedly laughs, Adora enjoys this and then throws a purposefully weak strike to restart the fight. When Adora seemingly turns the tables through brute force, Catra plays hurt to exploit Adora's naiveness. As Adora tries to show concern, Catra turns the tables back. She wants to teach Adora a lesson: that not everyone will play fair, as Catra knows all too well from SW's abuse. But Lonnie interrupts her. Catra doesn't appreciate this and makes quick work of Lonnie, showing just how good she is. Adora attacks, getting the predetermined win. Catra doesn't enjoy the beat down but accepts Adora's help up. She heads to Lonnie as Adora receives compliments from their commander.

As Catra confronts Lonnie, she tells Catra "you were playing dirty, I was just leveling the field". Catra will hear these words again when she leaves Adora behind in frustration near the end of the episode. They are significant: these are stereotypical views forced on Catra, and those views ignore that Catra was just doing something she felt was important: teaching Adora about the harsh realities that exist in the world. Real enemies don't play by the rules, and will be unpredictable.

As Catra’s anger rises at this, Adora puts her hand on Catra's shoulder to calm her down, then compliments Catra on her fighting skills. Catra ever so casually tosses the comforting hand aside. She's saying 'I can handle my emotions without your help, but thanks for asking.' As she tells Adora she let her win, Adora tries to tell if Catra really is ok.

Thus starts one of cutest exchanges between the two of them: as Catra tries to explain why she lets Adora win, Adora puts on her sideways 'you like me' grin while she playfully denies that Catra let her win. Catra gives a very animated and obviously made up explanation about not wanting to have people expect things from her. Adora grins along, and halfway through her lie Catra leans in, staring at Adora's lips before looking up into her eyes. Once again, Catra is undoing a lie by telling a truth: she let her win because she likes (loves) her. But it's only a half truth, once again...

Adora accepts the explanation, keeping her sideways grin: 'it's so cute how you like me'. Catra's explanation done, Adora moves on, wanting to catch up with their unit. Catra lets her do so while excusing herself. As Adora leaves, a huge amount of meaningful information passes across Catra's face…

First, Catra feels bad about having to lie to Adora, and it shows. Then, as Adora leaves to socialize, disappointment and rejection shows: Catra had hoped Adora might look deeper, and try to see the deeper truth. As Adora turns away and leaves we see a look of total love and adoration on Catra's face. She really, really loves Adora. She's the light of her life, a real idiot no doubt but Catra will always love her for exactly who she is.

The girls remain their younger selves as the rest of the memory plays out, Adora staying to accept praise while Catra separates to deal with her internal feelings which Adora always fails to see: the hurt and aloneness she feels.

>A frustrated young Catra cries, expressing her repressed emotions. It would be easiest to assume she cries because she's sad about losing, but we have to look ahead to the next memory to find the real truth.

Catra is sad because she never had a choice. SW took that choice from her, and while Catra is happy to let Adora win because of the love she feels for her, it hurts that she never really got to decide. And Adora doesn't see that, doesn't see the pain Catra is bearing, hiding. And so she cries for that, too. The one person who should love her doesn't really see her. As she looks up in the mirror to see herself, since no one else in her life seems to see her pain, she sees her present tearful self looking back. The pain of the past is real in the present, and while she's older now and won't let herself give in to tears, she feels the pain as she did back then. (pic 1, below) She sees the tears and it snaps her back to her present self, totally unnerved by the simulation as the security detects her and attacks. A fearful Catra screams, wanting help, wanting Adora.

>Adora snaps back to herself, having been participating in the replay of the memory post Catra excusing herself. She tries to run to help Catra, full of worry. She sees a terrified Catra trapped by the spider. As the spider begins to drag her away the two girls lock arms, trying to free Catra. But it's too strong, and as we see their grip start to slip, Catra looks to Adora wanting, pleading for help. As Catra is pulled away, Adora feels helpless, knowing she couldn't help her friend. She thumps her head in frustration that she wasn't there for Catra.

The scene speaks to an obvious truth: Adora has never quite been there enough for Catra. She's always less present, less aware of Catra's reality than she could have been. But since Catra was experiencing a painful memory when this happened, her reaction shows her vulnerable emotional state, and so she called out for help: Catra just wants to feel safe, for Adora to be there to help her. But she wasn't.

>As Catra is dragged away, she feels helpless, and calls out mournfully for Adora. But she's long gone; Catra is alone and scared, as usual. She screams out her frustration, the realization that she’s never gotten the help she needed, she always ends up alone. She cries tears for the suffering and anguish she feels from that. (pic 2, below) It’s a moment that shows us the real inner Catra: She feels deeply, whether it be her desire to be seen, loved by Adora, or the fear she feels in this moment and others. She tries her best to act confident in herself, but it's a lie: she needs support, yet is left behind by everyone, including Adora. She was willing to bear her pain for Adora's love, but she has become increasingly aware of how tenuous that really was growing up.

>Catra digs deep, like she's always done. She will handle this, won't take the abuse lying down. She shifts her mentality to being the survivor, the person who has survived years of abuse. She frees herself and gets to her feet, accessing her foe, determined to defeat it. She attacks, using her anger to deal damaging blows, seeking to destroy her enemy, to make sure she survives. She stands back, confident she's won, proud of herself for it. She doesn't quit, she always perseveres against those who want to destroy her. (pic 3)

Adora shows up, finishing the monster. Catra doesn't drop her mentality, this person who has lived a separate life from Adora and survived on her own, doing the hard things like winning fights and resisting Shadow Weaver's abuse.

Adora walks forward, seeing Catra's anger, determination. She looks blankly, trying not to upset Catra. She's trying to get a read on Catra but not having any luck, so she's being cautious. She asks if Catra is ok, casually pulling webbing off Catra's shoulder, trying to exist in her physical space without upsetting Catra further. "I had it" says Catra, not dropping her fighter stance, mentality at all. Catra is very much feeling the aloneness of her life from everyone, including Adora.

Adora tries to casually put aside Catra's assertion that she had it, she smiles diplomatically. She tries again to touch Catra, to break down her animosity and get her to calm down. It doesn't work. "We need to make sure we stick together from now on." As Adora touches Catra, she tenses, uncomfortable. Catra has strong touch aversion, and Adora knows this but she also knows doing it sometimes helps Catra shift her mentality, so she's trying to get Catra to connect emotionally, to get her to accept care.

"Will you stop telling me what to do?" An exasperated Catra says. We see a look of total dismay cross Adora's face. She's not understanding why Catra has so much animosity in this moment. (pic below)

As Adora looks at Catra, she hunches her body, looking misunderstood and isolated. Adora has consistently failed to see Catra's emotional states and so Catra is feeling more and more apart; that the mentality of the survivor she's feeling now is the right one. Adora didn't really help her at all growing up, and she doesn't see her for who she really is, either. Adora always took the easy explanation, like saying that Catra did things for her because she liked her. Never looking deeper, trying to see her struggle. And so Catra doesn't drop her combative pose, she stays in it because she feels in control, less vulnerable.

As for the words "stop telling me what to do", that's an essay in itself but consider: just now Adora became frustrated when she lost Catra, and now tells her they need to stay together. But they didn't, they never did, and even when they are together Adora is no real help to Catra. So she reacts in anger to Adora trying to direct her. After all, in the next scene we will see that Adora leads Catra into danger, and then doesn't really help her as she gets abused. Adora is no great leader, not according to Catra's experience.

::Adora is having a total loss, here, as she tries to understand Catra, why she's angry at her: It's because she has never really known this 'survivor' side of Catra. Adora wants to comfort her and calm her down, but Catra isn't having it. I think this is when we first see Adora begin to realize that there is something is very wrong with her friend that she has completely failed to see, and she's deeply worried by it. (pic 2)

[pic cation: Adora can't read Catra's emotions, Adora realizes Catra is deeply angry. Outside SW’s chamber, Adora wants to take Catra’s hand.]

Adora loves Catra, but can't seem to get through to her: Catra is holding herself apart from Adora. Again, Catra pushes Adora's hand aside, frustrated. She expresses her exasperation at the situation, saying she's sick of what's going on. Adora follows along, confused. As Catra seemingly purposefully leaves her behind, Adora demands to know what Catra's problem is, saying that she was trying to save her. Catra looks down at her confrontationally, frustrated with Adora's lack of vision. "For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you." Uh oh.

The words "no thanks to you" are especially cutting. Adora has totally failed to see the struggles Catra had all her life, she didn't understand the hurt and abuse Catra was fighting against. And so Catra did it all on her own, protecting herself and trying to remain strong. Her love of Adora might have helped her have hope, but fundamentally Catra overcame the abuse by not giving up on herself, believing she had worth, and not letting others tear her down.

Adora runs to Catra's side, taking her arm in one hand. Feeling her friend becoming increasingly distant from her, Adora tries authentically telling Catra her feelings, hoping to make her friend see her desire to help and understand her. Adora explains that she's sorry for leaving and that she did it because she couldn't stand the war the Horde has pursued. Her next words are telling: "but I never wanted to leave you". 'Want' is an important word in this series, and it comes up again in season 5 when Catra asks Adora "what do you want, Adora?”. By choosing to leave the Horde, Catra feels that Adora wanted that more than she wanted what they had together. Also, promises are not something you're supposed to break over a 'want'. And Adora so casually breaking their promises makes Catra think she doesn't matter to Adora. It's not the truth, but this belief still determines her reaction in this moment. Even though Adora dearly loves Catra, including at this point in the story, she hasn't shown it in a way that Catra can see as meaningful. As Adora finishes saying this, Catra looks back, feeling alone and unwanted, seemingly thinking 'but you did leave me, Adora.'

Adora tries to appeal to Catra to join the rebellion with her. Then she says "I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde." Catra must be thinking 'Ok so at what point did you become the authority on whether someone is good or bad, Adora?' Adora has shown no interest in understanding Catra's position, she treated her as an enemy without fail since she left her, literally in every single case including at Princess Prom when Catra was trying so hard to romance her. And Catra doesn't accept Adora's naive black and white view of the world. Think about it: when Adora defects she begins treating all Horde with hostility, including her dearest friend, she judges them all and doesn’t even try to see them as the complicated people that they are. So when she suggests Catra doesn't belong with the Horde, Catra looks back at her, feeling totally isolated from Adora. Even though Adora's plea is earnest, Catra declines it.

>As the next memory begins, we see Adora now has both hands on Catra's arm, she's desperately trying to hold on to her bond with Catra and show her desire to fix things between them. Catra doesn't drop her wary demeanor at all, and Adora looks lost and anxious over this as a young Catra runs by.

The memory starts out full of childhood innocence as the two of them play together. When the girls see that the Black Garnet chamber is open, young Adora remarks "we're definitely not allowed in there." Young Catra looks at Adora, seemingly asking if she wants to go in, trusting her. Young Adora runs off, and Catra follows her in. Yes, Catra participates in the decision, but she's not the one who runs towards the chamber, and that's important to what happens next.

A worried (adult) Adora looks to her friend who seems so distant, stoic. Anxiously, Adora tells Catra "You don't have to go in there." Adora knows what happens next is very bad, that this is a hurtful memory for Catra. As an unwavering Catra begins to walk towards the chamber, Adora looks down at Catra's hand. [pic above] She wants desperately to reach out and take it, to hold Catra back from this terrible moment, to tell her she's sorry for messing up. Adora knows now that she screwed up, that she's let Catra down, somehow more than she ever realized. She doesn't know what to do about it… she follows Catra inside.

The young girls explore, Catra touches the black garnet and gets shocked. Adora has second thoughts, she realizes they're trespassing.. but of course, SW returns, so they try to hide. As SW takes off the mask, Adora cries out, taken aback... young Catra looks at her in dismay. She's about to pay for Adora's mistake with a lifetime of suffering. Offended, SW tells them to "Get out!" but rethinks. She puts the mask back on, and decides to use this moment to instead abuse the girls and use the crime of their trespass against them. As SW tells Catra to stay, Adora turns around, seeing that Catra is caught, and she's scared for her friend. She really did make a poor decision, and as a highly empathetic person, what happens to Catra scars Adora, too.

Held powerless by magic, Catra tries to explain that they were just playing. SW's words to her set the stage for a lifetime of physical and psychological abuse: SW leans over her menacingly, telling her "Insolent child, I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you, but I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well." Again, it's not Catra who decided to go in, so it's really not her fault. SW disparages her and heaps blame upon her for Adora's bad choice, ignoring the truth.

Adora weakly tries to protect Catra, saying "SW, it wasn't her fault. It was my idea too." It's an understandable response, as they're just little kids. Still, Adora could have taken the blame for their trespass, since she led Catra inside. But it's about to get a lot more hurtful for Catra...

SW's voice echoes through Catra's head as she trembles in terror: "You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me. I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. Do you understand ?" Catra trembles in fear, her eyes unfocused, the room empty but for SW menacing her. She's in a dissociative state, terrified and helpless. I think some people probably feel like this must have been a idle threat, but it isn't: SW abuses Catra many times after this for her mistakes. And the depiction of the dissociative state helps us understand just how damaging it was. While Adora seemingly goes on to not realize the importance of this memory, for Catra it is formative to her entire life.

Again, Adora tries weakly to stop what's happening, putting herself between them. She tells SW "please, stop" then looks over at Catra, full of concern. Running over to SW, she tells her "she didn't mean to". This is so hurtful, as young Catra is very smart. Catra knows Adora has blown it again, after all, what is it that she "didn't mean to" do when it was Adora's idea to trespass? Adora isn't getting the magnitude of the situation, and Catra is very much left to fend for herself.

SW then does a very insidious thing to Adora, a very directed abuse that's meant to work against her personality and empathetic reactions to others pain. She tells her "Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. Do not let something like this happen again..." SW follows this up with years of manipulation to make Adora even more susceptible to abuse. But in this moment, SW again heaps the blame for Adora's mistake onto Catra, who did nothing wrong. For Catra, she comes to believe that what she did doesn't even matter, nobody cares what the truth was. Even Adora. But for Adora, the hurt goes deep as well. She made a bad decision, her friend gets hurt for it, and she never comes clean... instead, she's told she has to do a better job of controlling her friend, and that she has to be perfect so that it doesn't happen again. It's a deep and hurtful moment for Adora, just like it is for Catra. But the hurt is much less direct, and more sneaky. Nonetheless, Adora struggles with this moment, this abuse of her, in the most intimate and painful ways all throughout the series.

Young Catra watches on as SW completes her manipulation of Adora. For Catra, she's left with the feeling that nothing she does matters, she was blamed for something she didn't even do. And Adora seemingly took the easy out, spreading the blame. But she doesn't realize this moment is so insidious for Adora, that it attacks and manipulates her at her emotional need to help others. From this moment on, Adora is afflicted with a desperate fear that she can't protect others, and must lead perfectly so they don't get hurt. This internal conflict erodes Adora's self worth, and causes her great emotional pain throughout the series. Catra, instead, believes she is being told she has no worth, and isn't even allowed to make her own decisions. It's hurtful, and it's part of why she tensed so badly at Adora for trying to tell her what to do earlier. We see this realization cross young Catra's face: she feels forgotten in this moment.

We see the young girls walking away from SW's chamber, Adora with her hand around Catra's shoulder. This comfort is not enough... Catra really needed Adora to stand up for her there, to come clean, and she didn't. Trying to comfort her now seems hollow. As they flash to their present selves, Catra knocks Adora's arm aside in frustration, accusing her of needing to play the hero.

Adora responds, saying she was only trying to protect her. Catra's next words tell the real truth of their childhood: "You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on SW's bad side!" Adora at first chafes at this statement, feeling like she did try to protect her, then crosses over to confusion at the strength of Catra's assertion. Catra is telling Adora she was blind to her pain. She wasn't there for her, and this is very much at the core of Catra's disappointment with Adora: the fact that she never stayed, never tried to understand. Adora let SW control her, make her ambitious, and so Catra was put to the side of that, and over time Adora grew apart from her. Catra’s exact words here are important: she says that Adora ‘plays’ at being the hero, yet always seemingly protected her status as the favorite, never standing up to SW and risking harm onto herself in order to save Catra from pain.

And so, the fact that out of seemingly out of nowhere, Adora decides to risk everything and defect in order to fight for people she doesn't even know, insults Catra. Adora abandons and consequently fights against her own people, leaving Catra behind, unilaterally treating her as an enemy. Never, in their whole lives, did Adora ever fight for Catra, only offering affection afterwards to make up for the cruelties that happened to Catra. So no, Catra doesn't want Adora to save her, or her sympathy, when she seemingly cared so little about her pain. Adora was no hero to her.

Now an obvious question might be: if the manipulation is that Adora is supposed to protect and control Catra, then shouldn't she have had to see SW abuse Catra for it to work? The first part of the answer is that it was never really about that, once the idea was put in Adora’s head, SW used it to manipulate her further into a mentality where Adora would accept praise, promotion on her path to becoming a force captain.

The other is that when someone is being hurt like Catra was in that moment... if the one person in the world who is supposed to get it doesn't get it... then it becomes very hard to ever bring it up to them again. It's a specific type of hurt and abandonment: for Catra, she goes on to believe that this is her burden, that somehow she alone is supposed to learn these hard lessons. And so she doesn't tell Adora about the abuse. Also, keep in mind that they are small children, and Catra doesn't want Adora to hurt like she does... so she's actually protecting her, in her mind. But the fact that time goes by and Adora never seemed to care, to stop and see Catra's pain, was very hurtful to her. And Catra’s feelings of betrayal at Adora’s not seeing the hurt are justified: in episode 1, we see Adora watch SW menace Catra, then happily run off to accept her promotion, only remembering to check on Catra as an afterthought. Catra needed Adora's support, and never really got it.

[pic caption: (left to right) Adora’s apparent willful ignorance of the abuse.]

So Catra believes she learns these hard lessons so Adora won't have to, but is left alone in her pain. This also means that SW specifically abused Catra at times and in places so Adora wouldn't be aware, which again, tells us it was never really about making Adora responsible for Catra's decisions. No, the reasons were much darker, and Catra bore it all alone.

The girls flash to their younger selves, and Catra accuses Adora: "Admit it, you love being her favorite." Catra is telling Adora that she was disappointed and hurt that Adora kept accepting praise and privilege from SW, after that moment when she so clearly should have seen how SW abused her, and the maliciousness of the death threat. In Catra’s mind, Adora could have rejected SW. As painful as it is for a small child to be without any parents, it would have been the right thing to do, for Catra. SW was no good to Catra, and they could have shared the pain of being orphans who only had each other, but instead Catra ended up bearing all of the abuse while Adora was given privilege.

Adora denies this assertion, and yet she did accept the privilege SW offered her. Catra's next words show how ignorant Adora was to the realities of their lives as they flash back to their present selves: "Oh yeah? When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then ?" Catra bore all the abuse and punishment for Adora's leaving, and Adora wasn't there to see it. Catra did this bravely for Adora, in fact, up until before Princesse Prom, Catra did everything she could to cover for Adora, just like she asked, protecting her, hoping she'd come back to her. But Adora shows no understanding at all for what Catra went through, she didn't even think about what must have been happening to her. Adora has never taken the time to think about how her actions affect Catra's life.

Adora counters, suggesting that Catra could leave the Horde, and therefore get away from SW's abuse. Catra just glares back at her, disappointed. Catra knows running from the abuse won't solve anything.

::What this comes down to is a totally different understanding of the world. For Adora, she thinks she became a hero for leaving the Horde, and becoming She-ra. She doesn't realize she was lucky to fall into the situation she did, with Bow and Glimmer helping her gain acceptance and protecting her. She's totally unaware that the reality that her becoming She-ra is a manipulation born out of evil intent. For Catra, she's always known that the world is harsh, and that bad people exist who will try to destroy you. She's not afraid to fight, she's had no choice learning these harsh truths. It's a jaded view that negatively affects her perceptions of people, but it prepares her for the worst, and so she relies on it. So when Adora suggests she run from it, she rejects her as naive. They flash back to their younger selves after Adora suggests Catra can leave like she did, and Catra accusingly points out that she doesn't need to follow Adora around. That they're children is relevant to the previous memory where Adora led Catra into danger, and then didn't protect her. Catra isn't interested in following Adora blindly after she's put her in danger so badly in the past.

Flashing back present selves, Catra tells Adora she doesn't want to leave. As she says this her face conveys her anger at the world, her drive to face SW instead of flee. She says "I'm not afraid of SW anymore, and I'm a better force captain than you ever would have been." Let's take this in parts: Catra won't run from her abuser, she's already planning to take her down. Doing so is important to Catra, as it fixes her world in an important way. And that Adora can't see this just shows how far apart they are now. In Catra's mind, Adora was supposed to stay, and as they rose to power together, they would have supplanted SW, fixing Catra's world. The two of them would have been stronger in the end. But Adora did leave, so Catra impatiently tries to get Adora to see that she won't just run away. If Adora doesn't want to help Catra overcome this evil, then she'll do it on her own.

Her disappointment in Adora for abandoning this fight is apparent, what comes to mind is when Catra calls Adora weak in the Sea Gate episode. And now Catra knows she's got the power to do this, she's a force captain, and if she can just find a reason to depose SW she knows she has the station and fighting ability to take her down. She always knew she could lead, but was happy to let Adora have success because she really didn't want that responsibility. So she points out her superiority, not to show that she's better than Adora, but to tell Adora she was blind to Catra's worth, and to be hurtful to Adora for abandoning her.

They flash back to their child selves: Adora looks at Catra, hurt and confused "You always said you didn't care about things like that." Adora is feeling hurt by the idea that she was unknowingly taking advantage of Catra, because Catra has seemily just told her she was lying.

Now, this next part is important, and it's important that we are seeing Catra's reaction as her child self: Catra looks sad and lonely as Adora finishes her question, and she's crying. Something adult Catra would never let herself do. So we're seeing a much more authentic expression of Catra's hurt and emotions than if it were her present self. What you need to understand here is that those emotions don't really match her words... Catra tells her "Well I was lying, obviously!" But her face says she's angry and hurt at Adora for not seeing her pain.

As she delivers those words her face is full of accusation and insult, she's being dramatic, something we will see Catra do time and time again. She stares down Adora, eyes scrunched up, showing Adora how betrayed she felt by her insensitivity. Then we get sadness, disappointment. Finally, we get a lonely kind of furious sorrow: all that time feeling alone and Adora didn't bother to understand is written on her face.

The tears are still flowing, but as she turns away they shift back to their present selves. Adult Catra looks totally alone, heartbroken.

Ok but how we REALLY know Catra isn't telling the truth is this: almost word for word, this moment exists in episode 1. ANY time you see that happen in this show, you need to look back to find the meaning of it.

>We will need to look in totality of this scene in episode 1: An excited Catra pounces on Adora, asking her what SW said. She sees the badge and takes it. Here's a funny thing, because we see Catra jump on Adora you might think Catra is always like this, she just comes into Adora's space as she pleases. But once Catra has the badge, we see no anger or jealousy. Just total wonder. She shows nothing but exuberation and happiness for Adora's promotion (pic 1, lower left fyi).

Catra knew this could be the turning point she's been waiting for, that Adora was due for promotion. And so she's jumping all over Adora, full of joy. We only see her attitude change once Adora tells her SW isn't letting her go on missions. And so, we can infer a lot of information from this...

Catra expected this moment to change their lives for the better. That Adora's rising in rank means freedom, the beginning of something new. Some many new things, in Catra's case. But Catra definitively shows us in this scene that she doesn't desire the success for herself. She only shows happiness for Adora, for them together, and she's ecstatic. (pic 1, fyi)

This, in Catra's mind, probably means the start of their romantic lives. If Adora is the force captain that brings them to victory, SW won't be able to just trample all over their lives. Catra can begin letting down some walls, maybe even let Adora pursue her romantically. If they're together, and Adora is on her side because of that, she becomes safe from her abuser. It's a much better outcome than trying to fight SW, but that's not how the story goes. No, Adora leaves her instead. How's that for emotional whiplash? All of these truths are laid bare in s3ep5, when we see Catra's perfect reality, when she and Adora are together romantically. Catra only wants to be safe and to be loved, but when Adora leaves her she loses trust in the goodness of Adora, and in people in general.

> Adora tells Catra she shouldn't be surprised she's been cut of of the mission because she's so rude to SW, to which Catra responds by calling Adora a people pleaser, then storming off in anger...

::Note, as this is important: Adora is taking SW’s side, and not Catra’s, which is entirely opposite of their early childhood memory of Octavia. It shows how Adora had started listening to the negative judgements others placed on Catra...

>Adora goes after Catra, finding her sulking on the roof. Catra is angry, betrayed by the world, at the injustice that SW is in her life. Adora asks "I didn't even think you wanted to be a force captain?" Catra tossed the badge at her, saying she doesn't. Then she folds her body up, holding herself. Adora sees this, but doesn't touch her. She's being careful to respect Catra's boundaries. But the anger Catra feels here isn't about being denied the chance to be a force captain, it's at all the hurt that SW has dealt her and continues to do so. And Adora doesn't see that, which disappoints Catra. But, she's unable to verbalize it herself, she is too insecure in her emotional vulnerability, so she lets it slide.

What we have here is two different instances of the same question with two different answers, but in both cases Catra is telling the truth. In episode 1, it's the truth that she doesn't care about being a force captain because of her love for Adora, and the promise, in her mind, that they will eventually be together. In episode 11, Catra then says she lied, and this now is also true: Catra did think about what she was going through, all the pain and sacrifices she made for Adora, which were done in the name of love. But Adora doesn't love her the way that Catra loves Adora, instead leaving her behind. And so now that Adora didn't ever see how excellent a person Catra actually was, how dedicated to her she is, and the pain she was willing to bear for her sake, it does matter. Because that's shitty of her, and so now Catra will survive on her own by her own excellence, her strength that Adora never stopped to see. So Catra is guilting Adora, trying to make her see how blind and unfeeling she is.

>Back to ep11: Catra tries to walk away from Adora, who desperately chases her, trying to understand why Catra is becoming so distant, wanting her to tell her what's wrong. She reaches out for Catra's shoulder in one last attempt to get Catra to talk, she knows touching Catra could maybe get her to be more open. But the truth is Adora has been far too easy on Catra, she needs to be more forceful if she wants Catra to talk, which she later comes to understand... she's been coddling Catra, and so Catra is allowed to wallow in her unhealthy mental states.

Catra takes Adora's hand, forcefully holding it away from her and delivering a hurtful line: "Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the fright zone? I didn't WANT you to come back, Adora!" This hits Adora like a load of bricks, her dismay is evident. And it's all true, which is the sad part. Catra was already preparing to cut ties with Adora, as even by that point she had come to a realization, a decision: if Adora doesn't want to be with her, then she'll do it herself. She will do the hard things on her own.

She turns away from Adora, looking hurt and betrayed. And Adora is at a complete loss, she doesn't know this side of Catra, this part of her that has survived hardship all these years... she lets her leave, not knowing what to do.

Adora is then attacked by the security, which takes up her time. As that happens, we see memories only shown to Catra. Catra runs, emotionally overwhelmed as all the unfair judgements, the abuse, and hollow apologies ring out around her. All the years of frustration and sadness weigh on her, she tries to keep it together, lashing out at the holograms. She falls to her knees, fighting back emotion and trying not to cry, her inner, vulnerable self is near the surface, and she's trying not to break down in tears over all of the hurt she's had to bear...

… and then she hears soft crying...

She turns to see her younger, tiny self, crying. Then, a tiny Adora joins the tiny Catra. Unlike the other memories, Catra never flashes into her younger self, she just watches...

The tiny Adora pulls the blanket down, Catra hisses at her... Adora sits down next to her tenderly. And we finally get the promise, the two parts that Adora has so tragically broke...

Adora tells her "It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you... nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other." The tiny Catra looks at Adora, wanting to trust her, to believe in her. As she says the question, present Catra echos it: "You promise ?" This was a sacred moment that gave Catra hope as a young orphan, that maybe she would be ok.

And so, the present Catra echoes it. Adora tells her she promises, as the skeptical present Catra looks on. Tiny Catra is still sad, insecure... she hugs Adora, needing this. Adora suggests they go back out to play... and we see tiny Catra look at her, still afraid, reluctant, wanting to stay. But she decides to trust Adora, and so they walk out, holding hands. Then something unique happens. Tiny Catra stops to look up at her present self: note, this is entirely a unique moment in the simulation, it never happened in reality... and yet Catra is given this moment...

The innocent child stares up Catra, making her see her. It's a look full of meaning, it doesn't carry any specific emotion... only innocence. Catra is having an inner child moment. That most deep and innocent part of her, her vulnerable self who feels love, is communicating with her. It's asking her to see it's vulnerability, and it's pain. Catra sees this, all of the pain Adora has caused her, the breaking of the promise, the promise that this innocent part of her was holding on to desperately with hope. She is forced to acknowledge Adora's disloyalty to her, her carelessness. Catra is reflecting on how she did her absolute best to keep that promise, even after Adora failed to look out for her in SW's chamber. Catra was so loyal and so good to Adora all of their lives; she made sure Adora had a good life, and she played by SW's rules so Adora could be the chosen one, wanting to protect her. All in the hope that they would be together, and that their love was real. But Adora couldn't even do that much, she left her. And Adora doesn't understand her, she doesn't even seem to miss her.

[pic 9: Broken Promises, Catra’s inner child, The Hero goes Her Own Way].

Present Catra watches her tiny self leave, coming to the tough realization: that she's never been able to trust Adora, not really. Her love isn't reciprocated, not by her standards.

…. which makes Adora a deeply unsafe person to Catra...

Catra survived SW's abuse, learning to believe in herself, protect herself because no one else would. All while keeping this hope of love in her heart, this vulnerable core of herself that has tenderness and loves Adora, and needs love back. But, her need for love goes to such a deep vulnerability that giving in to it and then again being rejected or forgotten by Adora would simply destroy her. SW held the threat of death over Catra’s head her entire life, and Catra resisted it, got through it by being tough and trusting in herself. So now she sees she can't trust Adora: everything that happened since she left her behind, the fact that Adora always treats her as an enemy, that she seems to show no lingering desire for her, and doesn't even seem to miss her while replacing her with new friends, seems to confirm her worst fears. Fears that have been building over the years, starting when Adora broke their promise in SW's chamber, and then as Adora pursued her success while accepting praise and privilege from SW, ignoring the abuse Catra bore because of it. She decides she can't trust Adora. Love is a lie, a weakness. A weakness that could destroy her last bit of individuality, and belief in the world.

And so, Catra, The Survivor, makes the decision... in her mind it's the brave one, just like way back when and she decided to bravely stand up to SW's abuse and not let it destroy her: she will stand up to the threat that is the weakness of her love for Adora. Adora is selfish, she doesn't deserve Catra's love. She was stupid to believe that love was even possible, for someone like her… who has always been ignored, and told she is unworthy of praise or even existence. There's only one thing left for her to do: she will be alone, strong on her own, for herself.

Her gaze hardens... that part of her that has made sure she survived SW's abuse, and made sure she won fights when she was threatened, is now the decider. It will protect her from her vulnerability, and reject Adora for her. I suppose you might be confused as to what I'm referring, or maybe not... If you haven't had to fight for your life, whether physically, mentally, or otherwise, you might not know this side of yourself well. But we all have it, it's The Survivor. And while I knew mine would protect me, I didn't accept it as my real self, I didn't accept its necessary but vicious deeds as my own. This is very much how Catra is, and as the series goes on she puts this survivor in charge of more and more decisions, we watch her deteriorate as this part of her gets out of control, protecting her from darkness with more darkness. All the while her vulnerable inner self suffers, watching the horrible deeds and becoming more and more alone, desperate for affection.

>Adora is outnumbered, eventually ending up hanging from the cliff's edge by spider webs. She hears Catra return, dealing with the spiders. Adora looks up, hopeful because Catra has returned...

Catra saunters in. Let me say a few things before we go through this part: Catra is about to say a lot of things that aren't really true. They are instead meant to be hurtful to Adora, Catra is being intentionally mean. We shouldn't take her exact words as her authentic beliefs, because they're not... no, Catra is doing what she believes she has to so she can be apart for Adora, and be safe from her. The truth is, Catra needs to be away from Adora. She's too scared of the vulnerability that is her love for Adora, because Adora hasn't shown her that she cares. And she can't do that by defecting, no, she must stay with the Horde. It's the only thing she feels there is left for her to do.

Now, let's go through this: and heads up: I'm getting at something very powerful that's going on here that you may not have realized. This speech is, in fact, a heroic moment. A heroic moment... for Catra. Not Adora, for Catra. And you just need to open your ears to hear it...

"Hey Adora."

🎶 is sad

"Catra! Help me, please!"

"This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you... then again, you're special... that's what Shadow Weaver always said..."

🎶 is melancholy

"Catra, what are you doing??"

"Ah, ya know, it all makes sense now... you've always been the one holding me back... you wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak."

🎶 has even tone

"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?"

"Catra that's not how it was.."

🎶 rises, falls, sad (“Promise” begins playing)

*Catra chuckles* "The sad thing is I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde... when really you leaving was the best thing that EVER happened to me..."

🎶 lowers, is dark, is dramatic. -Note: we see Catra seemingly become deranged as she says this line. This is Catra deceiving herself out of perceived necessity.

"I am so much stronger than anyone... ever... thought." *she cuts part of the web*

🎶 begins to rise, uplifting

"I wonder what I could have been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner." *she cuts the rest of the web, Adora falls, catching herself*

🎶 rises, is dramatic

"I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best. Please, don't do this."

🎶 is still rising, uplifting

*Catra stands proudly, nobly, looking at the sword. She looks down at Adora, then she casually tosses the sword past her...

🎶 is rising, hopeful, heroic.

"Bye Adora, I really am going to miss you..."

🎶 is heroic, violins now playing, adding depth

*Catra turns and walks away from Adora, proudly*

🎶 has risen to its height, crests, is heroic.

"Catra... Catra, no!!"

🎶 remains high, cresting, heroic

*Adora cries, sad, confused by Catra's leaving her...*

🎶 crests again, fades out...

Ok, so... let's talk about what just happened here. The undeniable conclusion is that this was meant to be a heroic moment, and a damn heroic moment... for Catra. The writers are telling us that Catra leaving is an important part of her hero’s journey, and that it was the right thing to do. You might be wondering, how can that be? The short answer is, Catra is on a hero’s journey unlike all the other hero’s journeys normally portrayed in fiction. All of it, even her darkest deeds, all her cruelty towards Adora, will be part of a very... important... and powerful... journey. One which will forge her into a hero in this series, in her own incredible right... how this is, what she is, is yet to be revealed... but make no mistake, she's a hero. Just not the one you expect…

We see Adora open her eyes, and see Light Hope. She tells Adora to let go. She means of her emotional attachments, as we find out. Adora cries for her lost Catra, that she couldn't bring her back to her. She lets go...

BIG ASSERTION TIME: Now, I know it's a common theory that these memories were all just an elaborate manipulation by Light Hope to divide the girls from each other, but I don't agree with that. No, I believe this was a memory journey guided by Catra, subconsciously, to help her tell Adora why she couldn't come with her, why she has to be apart.

Take for instance the memories and visions that Adora sees when she's on her way to the Heart of Etheria in season 5: this system exists apart from Light Hope, who dies at the end for season 4. This simulation comes from somewhere more primal: in my belief, it is the deep magic of Etheria being visualized through the First One's tech. We see the simulation show Catra the promise memory, something Adora isn't shown at all, and then allows her to see her inner child's hurt. Something deeper is going on here, and you should consider how strongly the magic of Etheria is resonating with Catra when it does. Because the magic of Etheria will again speak directly to Catra, this isn't the last time... In short, the magic helps the two of them to understand each other, because Catra is an important part of Adora's true She-ra journey.

I also believe that a theme of this series is that abusers, like L. Hope, are not perfect vindictive manipulators. They are flawed, and L. Hope in particular, I believe, is no genius: she fails time and time again. That L. Hope uses the moment to get Adora to let go is her using the moment to her advantage, she didn't play ultimate control over it. She just piggy backed on Catra's hurt to do it. So that last memory really was for Catra... Furthermore, I simply cannot believe L.Hope would understand the concept of the inner child… as she can't even understand sarcasm.

But now, because of this, Adora now knows of Catra's pain... and this is the beginning of Adora's long journey back to Catra, of her repairing their bond…

Let's address the obvious counterpoint: Adora now knows that Catra is hurt, but she doesn't yet understand why. And it's not really her fault, as Catra doesn't know how to talk about her feelings, among other things. But it's apparent that Adora doesn't remember these crucial memories as well as Catra does, even though they were critical in her development as well. Adora is a mess of emotions, just like Catra, and (if) she has ADHD, it might be one reason why she doesn't really get Catra. Especially if her parental figure has been manipulating it against her. Adora very much vibrates between stimuli anxiously, so SW might have made her forgetful by distraction over time. Also, the way in which Adora treats Catra as an enemy when she doesn't accept Adora’s (totally rushed, afterthought, and hollow) ultimatum that she defect with her, is a reflection of Adora's ingrained Horde war training… this is something she has to unlearn, as it is wrong. But Adora is a good person, she really, truely, is, because Adora never stops trying to make it better. And so, she slowly, but surely, comes to understand Catra’s trauma.

We get one last scene of Catra returning to the fright zone. We get to see Catra's truth here: She walks, as if she's not even there, she's deadened by the sorrow and the inevitability of what her life will now be: one of hard work, and zero joy. She will try her best to stand on her own, and put Adora out of her heart, slamming its doors shut against love. It doesn't work, but that's what she's trying to do, nonetheless. This is the beginning of a profound depression that builds over the next 3 seasons, and combined with new traumas, nearly takes her life.

But the tech Catra has brought back will end up giving her what she needs to face down and depose SW, just like she needed...

::Here is another complicated twist that's so essential to She-ra as a series: Catra, in fact, protects Adora by taking down SW. Catra may go on to command the Hordes forces so effectively that it pushes the Princess alliance harder than it's ever been pushed before, but her deposing SW is extremely important in the story. She both removes SW’s ability to attack Adora, and then denies her any sorcerous power by taking the Black Garnet from her, since SW needs an external source to draw power from in order to use her vampiric powers...

Ok so more theory time: it's a common belief that Catra stays with the Horde, and goes on to try to conquer the world out of some deep need to externally validate herself, and to prove she was the better child by beating Adora. I don't think any of these explanations are true. Catra may go on to play such a character on a surface level, but every time she professes to have any such ambitions, she is either in the presence of Adora, or under incredible stress. In the one case, she's saying those things to try to hurt Adora, and make her see how naive and foolish Adora always was, especially now that Adora thinks she can fight against her.

In the other case, it's actually her survivor mechanism trying to take over, to make her world safe. In every case where Catra says something about ambition, somewhere in that scene, Catra shows the distinct emotions of her true inner self: generally, these emotions are sorrow, fear, and loneliness. They don't exist on screen long, they are what is known as micro expressions. (See below for a short discussion of Catra’s micro expressions.)

To put it simply, the only reason Catra stays with the Horde is so she has somewhere she can be separate from her feelings and heartbreak over Adora, and then she climbs the ranks in order to find safety, first from SW, and then Hordak, once he threatens her life with his temper tantrums. That she fights against Adora is just a collateral consequence, she isn't out to get Adora, but nor does she care if Adora gets hurt, because she’s hurt her. Catra does fight against the princesses, though (including She-ra).

A core feature of Catra's character is indeed one of personal power. She's a person who is told to hurry up and die at an early age, but refused to do so. So her arc, her issue, isn't a cautionary tale about chasing validation, it's about her overcoming her fear of vulnerability and allowing herself to rely on others in a way that lets her be safe without needing to combat the darkness with more darkness. But vulnerability scares her because of the abuse she experienced.

As for validation, the only person she would want that from is Adora. This is because Catra believes in herself already: that she has a sacred right to exist, no matter what SW and others may tell her (note: Adora struggles with this, she's actually the one who seeks validation). But, she also needs love, and she is too fearful that Adora doesn't really love her and is afraid of being hurt by that. It's also why I think she's so chaotic towards Adora: her inner child tells her adult self to protect her from her love for Adora, which it tries to do, but that same child misses and needs Adora in so many ways. So she's trying to be mean to compensate for the incredible desire she feels towards Adora. I love it when Adora calls her a brat in season 5, it's such a well deserved line, mmhhmmm.

Actual discussions of how these particulars play out in the show are better left for another time, but there you have it.

Promise sidebar discussions: Catra’s micro expressions; Catra nearly dies at the Battle of Bright Moon

“White Out” microexpression discussion: [see pics below] This is the first time since the Battle of Bright Moon that Catra and Adora meet. So it's a good time to talk about Catra’s micro expressions. Picture 1: Adora says “Hey, Catra” out of the blue and Catra is completely blindsided, she figured she wouldn't be bothered out in the middle of nowhere. She's anxious and unhappy to be seeing Adora. Along with her suspicious absence the episode before in “Roll With It”, the answer is obvious: Catra has been avoiding Adora. She may have cut ties with her in “Promise”, nearly bested her at the Battle of BM, but she doesn't want to see her. She doesn't know what she feels about her.

Picture 2: Enraged monsters are decimating the base, and a battle breaks out over the corrupted disc. Catra is desperately trying to protect it, because she can control Adora if she has it... and she needs this chance to have her back. As Catra reaches to pick it up, she's facing away from everyone and so no one can see her desperation and sadness from missing Adora. (pic 2) Shortly after, we also see her clutch the disc desperately to her chest in a way that's very endearing, right before the monster attacks her and makes her drop it. Then, as she's about to die in its jaws because she doesn't want to give Adora up again, Scorpia breaks the disc and saves her life. We see in this episode as Catra completely loses track of her emotions, and now realizes she has to come to terms with the fact that she's so desperately sad from missing Adora, she was willing to die just for a chance to have her back.

Pic 3: Catra hates working for the Horde. She HATES it. She gets zero joy from the job, and she’s already figured out that Hordak will kill her if she screws up too badly. She didn't want this job, plain and simple, but now feels stuck with it. None of this is the life she wanted. Combining this knowledge against Catra’s declaration to Adora at the end of Promise, we know she's not happy that she had to go her own way...

Catra’s near death experience at the Battle of Bright Moon

At the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra leads Adora (She-ra) away. They battle, but then Catra retreats and instead starts listing out every single worst fear of failure she thinks Adora has. It's a dark moment, she's acting much like SW did to them as children, and we watch her manipulation take root in Adora. Finally, her words are too much, and as Catra looks down at Adora's (She-ra's) back, we see Adora become deranged, overcome with her fear of failing everyone... (pic1, above) she picks up a boulder and throws it directly at Catra. Catra is knocked flying, and only by the barest of margins does she keep from falling to her death. Adora nearly kills Catra. And so, as Adora drags Catra up from the cliff and slams her into the wall, we see a totally heartbroken and emotionally crushed Catra. In this moment, Catra believes all of her worst fears are confirmed: Adora only cares about being She-ra, so much so that Adora would kill her in the name of being that hero. Catra uses this moment, this belief, to justify her division from Adora. Sadly, she's wrong... she's ignoring the seriousness of the threat that the battle poses, and as Adora was facing away from her during that moment, she doesn't see the terror and desperation Adora experiences due to her cruel words…

Oh, and one more thing before we go: when Catra says “What, did you really think this was about you ?” SPOILER ALERT: It was. Because She-ra is one big Catradora story… and we love it.

As always, thanks for reading. <3

~EtheriaDearie

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