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sup-hoes-its-me · 3 years ago

Note

Hi hun! Hope you’re doing well! Could a request a Shikamaru fic! I was thinking maybe it’s obvious to everyone that Shikamaru and Reader like each-other (except themselves of course). But a mission where they have to pretend to be a couple and they finally confess.

😘

Pretenders (Shikamaru x Reader)

A/N: another request. Im not super proud of this one, i really got stuck halfway through and i think that shows here. Thanks for requesting though, and hopefully you still enjoy. Trigger Warning for sexual assault.

word count: 6500

“So, you two set out on a mission tonight right?” Ino asked, leaning her cheek in her hand, nodding toward her two friends across the booth.

“Yep. Supposedly 3 weeks,” Y/N told her. “I won’t get to see you guys for so long.” The girl took a quick sip of her lemonade and sighed. It was a substantial amount of time. It’d been a while since she’d gone somewhere so intensive.

Shikamaru and Y/N had only a couple more hours before they were to be briefed on the details of otheir next mission and whisked away to a far away land for yet another tedious job. Y/N was perfectly fine with the premise of going on a 3 week mission, she’d been home too long and longed for some kind of adventure. She still wasn’t sure the caliber of the mission, nor did she even know where or what they were doing, but she was excited nonetheless.

Shikamaru, of course, wasn’t too fond of the entire idea. Yes, he was more than happy to find out his mission partner was Y/N L/N. Out of all the people he could have been paired with, she was most definitely the least annoying. He really felt like Kakashi had his back lately with missions, giving him ones that were semi decent, and sending him out with his friends. He was certainly grateful for the Hokage’s assignments.

Choji added from his spot near the wall, taking a second away from munching on his lunch. “It won’t be so bad. You guys have each other, after all. How could things get boring when you have your little girlfriend with you, Shikamaru, am I right?”

“Choji…” Shikamaru groaned, pressing his fingers to either side of his temples. These sorts of things borhered the hell out of him. The constant teasing from everyone, not just his teammates, but literally teachers, other squads, his mother, her grandmother. They weren’t dating. They never were dating.

Yet every person in this damned town was under the assumption there was something going on between them. Really, he was just trying to live his life.

Did he want to date her? Yes, a million times over, yes. She was literally perfect, he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. But was Y/N at all interested? Definitely not. She was more oblivious than Naruto was with Hinata, and that’s saying a lot. She seemed to ignore everyone when they made jokes, she thought all his measly attempts at flirting were just normal conversation even when he treated Ino completely differently. She wasn’t a dumb girl either. She was smart in her own right.

That’s why he’d begun to think she was maybe avoiding his advances on purpose. That she didn’t like him and she was trying to let him down easy. It was stupid really, and he wished she would just come out with it already, tell him to his face that she just wanted to be friends. It was frustrating, to say the least, but he kept trying.

He could safely say he hadn’t felt this way for another girl in his entire life, and he wouldn’t give up that easily. He really just wanted other people to mind their business. That’s the reason he shot down all the jokes and comments from his friends. They didn’t need to know about his lovelife, that was personal.

Ino smirked, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder and letting a laugh leave her lips. “Come on, Choji. You know how Shika feels about you teasing him.”

“Fine. But you gotta admit it’s funny.”

They continued on with their conversation, Shikamaru groaning at their jokes and the other two laughing the entire time. That was how it usually went. Y/N just listened quietly, sipping away at her lemonade. Those two, his teammates, they always made jokes, it was normal. She was constantly labeled Shikamaru’s girlfriend, and each time he denied it. Over and over again. He didn’t let a single instance slide by.

That’s how she knew to avoid the subject. To keep her feelings to herself. There was no point in confessing to him when he was already so adamant at keeping their relationship out of other people’s mouths. She was a troublesome girl, anyone who thought he saw her as anything different was delusional.

So she kept quiet, just listening.

Each time someone joked, her stomach would turn and she would wait for him to say something, for him to admit they were right, for him to get flushed in the cheeks, for him to reach out and hold her hand and confess his feelings, and each time she was let down brutally. After enough times getting her heart broken, it was only inevitable she give up this false hope. There was no digging her way into his cold heart. He was so closed off, to get inside...it seemed like an impossible feat.

She wasn’t willing to fight for him anymore. It was tiring, and they never got anywhere.

After enough time, she stopped crying herself to sleep. She stopped talking about her crush with Hinata and Ino when the boys weren’t around. She still looked at him with all the love she had to give. He was the best man she knew, how could she not. She just stopped wishing for something that wasn’t going to happen. She stopped investing so much of her time and energy into a useless, pointless dream.

She was tired of running endlessly in circles, over and over again. All because of his dumbass.

Maybe with time, she could try and get over him. With time she could learn to like him the same way as all their other friends. It was always just the little things that would pull her back in every time. It was the walks home at night when she was tired, or she had too many drinks and he’d wrap his arm around her waist and hold her so tight to his side she could feel his heart beating. It was the times he’d lay beside her in the grass and run his fingers through her hair splayed out over the ground. It was the times he would hold her silently as she cried for her mother and father who’d died, and he would rub her back until she could breathe again.

Every single fucking time she got close, the moments she felt she might not be desperately in love with him anymore, he came right in and stole her heart again. It wasn’t his fault, he was just being a good friend, but God, did it hurt sometimes.

And it wasn’t Ino and Choji’s fault for talking about it. It was so fucking obvious she liked him. Y/N followed Shikamaru around like a lost puppy half the time, what else were they supposed to think? They were just wrong in their assumptions that she was anything more to Shikamaru himself. That the boy thought of her as anything more than a troublesome friend who was always needing help with something or another.

She drank the last bit of her drink and set down the glass. “We better be heading to the Hokage tower soon. It’s almost time, and he still has to debrief us and all, “ she told the boy at her right.

“Yeah. I’ll go get my bag from home first and we’ll meet up there?”

“Got it,” Y/N slid out of the booth and waved to her friends. “See you when we get back.”

“Bye, Y/N!” Ino called as the girl left the restaurant with her book bag over her shoulder. She sighed, sinking down into her seat and glaring over at the pineapple head across from them. “You gotta make your move on this mission, Shika. Stop being such a scaredy cat.”

“Listen, you guys don’t know anything about anything, okay? She doesn’t like me that way. She never has.”

“I never thought I’d have to say this, but you’re dumb, man,” Choji laughed. “She obviously likes you.”

“Yeah, yeah. All of you seem to think that but you don’t see how she is with me. We are purely friends. That’s it.”

“Whatever, man,” he waved off the boy’s stern reply and added, “ Have fun on your trip with Y/N. Hope you get lucky.” Those words caused Shikamaru to heat up from his neck to the tips of his ears and he promptly slid out from his seat, straightening his vest as he did so to try and calm himself. That was unnecessary of his friend to say, for sure.

He turned to them once more and nodded his head. “See you around.”

“See you!”

Now all he needed to do was get his things together and meet up with the girl of his dreams for their weeks long mission. Fun times. Especially now that his friends made him annoyed and frustrated with the entire situation again. He’d have to calm down before seeing her soon.

_______

“We’re doing what?” Y/N asked, staring down at their Hokage in disbelief. He’d been detailing their mission and everything seemed normal so far, infiltrating and learning information about a budding coup in a far away nation just on the edge of the Land of Earth and The Land of Wind. It seemed easy enough at first, but then he kept going.

Kakashi sighed. “I said, you two are to be disguised as a princess and her consort from the Land of Sunflowers. The leaders of this land are expecting these royal visitors and you will be taking their place.”

“So, like, he’s gonna be my husband?” she asked for clarification again. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand his words, it was that she didn’t want to believe them. This was her worst nightmare. They would have to pretend to be in a relationship? Shikamaru was going to hate this more than anything and it would be uncomfortable the entire time.

Why did Kakashi have to pick them two, of all his shinobi? Why?

“Yes. That won’t be a problem for two close friends such as yourselves. After all, that’s why I picked you. You have some kind of dynamic going I feel your targets will find believable.” Shikamaru cursed the heavens. Even the fucking Hokage thought they were involved. This was ridiculous. Now this long ass mission he was already dreading was made ten times worse with this awkward situation. “We’re not gonna have a problem, are we?”

It would be okay though. He just had to take a few deep breaths. That’s all.

“No, sir, of course not. I’m ready for anything you throw at me,” she declared, straightening her back and letting the heat fade from her cheeks. She was embarrassed, obviously, but she couldn’t let the Hokage know. It was easier talking to Kakashi though, much easier than Tsunade. Kakashi watched them grow up, he knew them personally from helping them train. That didn’t mean she couldn’t be flustered.

“You’ll take those bags with you. They have some more suitable clothing for royalty. Put them on when you get close to the village. Throw out any indicators you’re from the Leaf as well.”

“Okay.”

“You’re dismissed. Leave as soon as possible,” the gray haired shinobi told them. She nodded and threw the bag over her shoulder, tossing the other one over to Shikmaru who caught it and slung it onto his back. He definitely wasn’t happy about any of this, but maybe it was a sign.

Ino and Choji told him to confess his feelings to her on this mission. Kakashi just told them they would be pretending to be a married couple. As he watched her walking in front of him down the Tower stairs, her head just barely dipped as she absorbed all the information running through her mind, he wondered if maybe this was his opportunity. A make or break type scenario. He had three weeks to figure out how to tell her how he felt in a more direct way than he’d tried before.

He worked out all the scenarios and their outcomes in his head millions of times and every time they ended in disaster. For someone so great at strategy, he sure did struggle with this one.

“So, I guess we’re married now. Should we start kissing or something?” she asked awkwardly as they reached the bottom of the stairs, shifting back and forth from her toes to her heels. He stopped, more like froze, in his path and stared at her.

“Now you're just making it weird,” he replied. “We aren’t even there yet.”

“I know, I was kidding. Trying to lighten the mood, you know,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. Of course he would reply like that. He didn’t like her at all, he couldn’t even take a fucking joke. Had to get all upset over it like a baby, all because he was so set on never dating her ever, never even entertaining the thought. She rolled her eyes, “You don’t have to be so rude about it, geez.”

She kept walking before he could reply. He had a feeling this trip was going to be a lot worse than anyone had anticipated. He was nervous, grumpy, and preparing for the worst. In fact, what he really wanted was a nice long nap.

_________

The dresses that Kakashi packed for her were...extravagant to say the least. They flowed all the way down to her ankles, thick heavy hoop skirts embroidered from head to toe with symbols of the land of sunflowers. She felt strange with her shoulders exposed and her body on display in these outfits which were so unlike the pants and t-shirts she wore when she was back at home or on a normal mission. She wrapped a shawl around her shoulders and sighed, feeling at least a little covered.

Shikamaru had nice clothes, but they were nothing in comparison to her wild dresses and all the bright colors of the fabric. He looked semi-normal. She was jealous, admittedly, that he still got to wear pants and shirts. He said she looked good in the dress, he actually told her about a dozen times, reassuring over and over again that she looked fine, but she didn’t believe him. She wasn’t dainty, how could she look beautiful when she clearly didn't belong in something so delicate?

Still, when they walked up to the gates of the Land of Shadows, they were greeted like the royalty they pretended to be. They were swept away to the main castle to meet with the King and his wife. It was nearly dinner time, and they were to eat with them as a greeting. It made sense, but Y/N felt herself growing more nervous with the second. She didn’t know the first thing about being a princess, or acting like a monarch. All she knew was fighting and joking with her friends.

Not only that, but how could she convince them that she and Shikamaru were in a relationship? Y/N wasn’t sure they possessed the right dynamic and even if they tried, it would be obvious they were uncomfortable with each other. It was all making her heart race, and she had to take a few deep breaths as they entered the dining room.

But her companion...he knew what he was doing. He was going to put on quite the show, take advantage of the situation. If this week and a half was his only chance to hold Y/N in his heart, than he wouldn't let any opportunities slip by.

Without warning, she found that Shikamaru had reached over and wrapped her hand up in his bigger one, clutching at her shaking fingers. He was so steady, she found herself sinking into his touch. It was comforting, more so than she thought it could be, given the circumstances. His skin was just so warm and soft against hers, it was only natural she felt safer.

“Ah, Princess Ayaka, Duke Hisashi. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” a man called from his place at the table. His wife was sitting beside him, her soft smile only reaching her lips not nearing her eyes. Y/N caught that immediately. Her distance. Silently, she took note of that as the King approached them, extending his arms for an embrace.

“It’s an honor to meet you, your highness,” Shikamaru replied with a smile, an obvious fake one, but damn was he good. She watched as he hugged the man so earnestly, as if he’d sunken right into the role of consort without an issue. She’d have to ask him tonight how he was so good at acting.

“And your beautiful wife,” he extended his hand to the girl and she raised it hesitantly, receiving a soft kiss to the back of her palm. “Come take a seat. Dinner will be served soon.”

The pair took their seats beside each other on the opposite side of the table, Y/N directly across from the Queen, who looked up at her for merely a moment only to sigh and go back to fiddling with the curve of her wine glass. "Your highness," Y/N hummed to the woman who nodded.

"Oh what a dream, to be young and in love," she said. "I remember the days."

"Please dear! To me, you will always be my beautiful young wife! We share a love to last a lifetime," the king cheered, placing his hand over that of his wife's as he took his seat at the table. "I apologize for her gloom. She's been going through a rough patch. We are more than overjoyed to have you here."

"It's fine. We all have our bad days," the girl replied softly.

After a few minutes of small talk, just dipping their feet into the conversation, a couple servants brought out plates of food and wine bottles full of vintage drink truly meant for the highest of royalty. Compared to the plain sake she had drank at home, this was liquid gold dripping down her throat. Shikamaru sent her a warning look. Y/N was known to be quite the lightweight, and even a couple glasses of wine could send her into a tipsy stupor. He really knew her too well, so hyperaware of the things she did.

"So, how did you two meet?" their host asked, taking a moment away from the chicken in front of him. "It's said that you married for love, not arrangement. That's true?"

Y/N and Shikamaru hadn't been versed very well on the details, just on the basics. Her heart beat increased, stress building up. Her lies would have to be good.

"Yes. You've heard right. He was my friend before anything else. We met as children." That much she knew for sure after reading the mission summary.

"Oh wow. Childhood lovers. Very sweet," the queen sighed, resting her cheek in her palm.

Y/N would be lying if she didn't feel a bit of similarities between her own story and that of the real princess she was pretending to be. Shikamaru and Y/N grew up together, for as long as she could remember. She started to love him before she even really knew what love was. It only made sense she pretended to be a princess in the same situation.

And when he held her hand again, this time under the table, his thumb brushing over her knuckles so softly she thought she might melt. Her cheeks began to heat up under his touch and she smiled. It was so nice holding his hand, pretending to care about each other this way. Not that she needed to pretend.

Dinner droned on, and she continued to hold his hand the entire time, besides when they were spooning at their food. For once on a mission, it felt like they were completely at peace. Of course, they were both supposed to be analyzing the movements of everyone around them to make sure no one was planning a coup like Kakashi told them. But she couldn’t held but cherish the moments of calmness and warmth between everyone.

The King and his wife were genuinely some of the kindest people she’d ever met, whether they were just acting that way or not. It was a pleasure to have dinner with them, talking and laughing like an uncle would with his nieces and nephews. It had that same energy, talking to him.

“Hisashi, you wouldn’t mind accompanying me to my library? I have some books I think you might enjoy,” the man said, standing from the table. The rest of them slid out of their chairs after him, and she had to brush down her skirts to make sure everything was in line. It was tedious, wearing these outfits without any prior warning. She felt like a clown. The Queen was so effortless in her movements, how could she not feel stupid standing beside someone so regal?

“That sounds great, your majesty-”

“Not necessary. Call me Shoto, that’s my name after all, and you are an honored guest,” he laughed. He reached over and gave his wife a gentle kiss on the cheek before turning on his heel and heading toward the door. She really expected Shikamaru to just leave with just a simple goodbye, or a “I’ll see you tonight” kind of thing.

Definitely not this.

He was gonna go all out this time around.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he whispered, just loud enough for only her to hear, over her shoulder into her ear. When his warm breath hit her skin, shivers ran up and down her spine. Her eyes widened and she turned to stare up at him, cursing herself when she felt heat rise up in her cheeks and burn the tips of her ears. Was he serious, or just teasing her? He always liked to crack jokes like that.

But when she felt his rough hand pressed to her cheek, lifting her face ever so carefully to meet his, she knew he wasn’t messing around. His eyes met hers for a split second, and she could have sworn he winked down at her before pressing his lips to hers.

Honestly, she thought she might have a heart attack right there in the dining room. Shikamaru was kissing her. It felt even better than she dreamed it would. Chapped lips running against hers, heat pooling in her stomach, heart pounding in her chest.

As soon as it started, though, the kiss was over, and he took a step back. "See you tonight, Princess."

She was keen on catching the smirk on his lips, and the way he laughed to himself as he walked out of the room with the King before him.

Y/N stood there silently, her fingers pressed to her lips, breath caught in her throat. The boy she’d wanted for so long just kissed her like it was nothing, and she was left all alone to deal with this predicament, all the feelings that came rushing in after. All she knew for sure, whether he was serious or not, was that she really, seriously liked him. She liked him a lot more than she thought.

And now they had a whole week and a half of fake kisses and hand holding to endure. Jeez.

__________

“You know, you’re nothing like the other princesses I’ve met,” the guard said to her as she waited for Shikamaru to show up. He was still out with the King practicing archery. Apparently that was a hobby a lot of these rich country men had. So far, she wasn’t suspecting a thing out of the King or any of his closest acquaintances. They were nice as could be and seemed sincere in their intentions toward the village alliances. She had no reason to suspect them, and was beginning to think a coup was just as Kakashi thought, a mere rumor.

That made things a lot easier.

She sighed, tapping her fingers on her wrist. She wasn’t a fan of having a guard watching her every second of the day, especially not the talkative ones. This one was strange. He gave off this energy she couldn’t describe as anything other than creepy.

“Yeah? That’s nice,” she muttered.

“It’s just, usually princesses are pompous, full of themselves, spoiled women. You aren’t the same,” he continued, even if it was obvious she wanted him to shut up and go about his business while she did hers. She felt uncomfortable being alone in this land, without any of her weapons or the ability to fight back if someone was acting sketchy. She was forced to sit by like some little, ditsy princess just watching and observing.

Honestly, though, Shikamaru was probably having a great time. All he had to do was eat with the royalty, play board games, shoot some arrows, and then go to sleep. There was no extensive fighting or thinking going on, just sitting around observing and waiting for something suspicious to happen.

The queen would normally hang out with the female guests but thanks to her bouts of depression she stayed in her room, leaving Y/N completely at the mercy of time. So much time passed, and she was bored of it.

“I’m honestly just another princess. You’d be surprised though. Many princesses are just as modest as I am, it’s not all that uncommon,” she commented, taking a peek over at the man, only to quickly look away. He had quite the hungry look on his face, and if her eyes hadn’t deceived her, his own were trained right on her breasts. Damn these dresses.

Y/N wrapped her arms across her chest and slumped down, trying to hide herself from this weird man watching over her. Only, it seemed impossible. He was so much taller, could just look over her shoulder. She couldn’t run away and raise suspicion. She had to sit here and wait for someone else to break the tension.

She was scared.

“I meant that as a compliment. You say thank you when someone compliments you, yeah?” he mumbled, a firm hand reaching out to snatch her wrist. It hurt, his grip on her arm, and she winced at the feeling. “Say thank you.”

She bit her lip and refused to meet his eyes, instead focusing on his hands. If she needed to, she would defend herself but only to a small extent. She couldn’t blow her cover just because some guard was manhandling her. Take a deep breath, Y/N. It’s gonna be okay. Just calm down.

“T-Thank you,” she gulped, hoping he would drop her wrist. But he didn’t. He only held on tighter.

He smiled, yellow teeth showing through his thin lips. “See, you are a good girl, aren’t you?” he questioned, and she felt his other hand run up her waist. All she could do was whimper, shivers running up her spine and any skin this man laid his hands on. The only hope she had was that another guard come walking around and see them.

It was unlikely, but she prayed for a savior to make their appearance.

His hand worked its way down to her ass, and she felt him squeeze. Vomit rose up in her throat and she squirmed away, pressing herself against the wall as tight as she could so his hands had nowhere to go. Instead, he took to fondling her breasts in his hands. She could only bite her lips and feel the tears bubble up in her eyes as he pushed down the fabric of her top and pressed his filthy palms against her skin.

“What the fuck?” a voice cursed from behind them. The guard was torn off of her form and she brought up her hands to cover herself, tears still dripping thickly from her eyes as she cried, little breathy sobs leaving her lips. Shikamaru stood there, hands shaking at his sides as he glared over at the guard. “What’s going on here?” he demanded. Y/N watched as her friend turned red in the face, burning up with an anger she rarely saw from him, if ever.

“You tell me, your highness. Your wife seduced me!” the guard cried, clearly lying to cover himself and his sins.

The eyes of all three men, the guard, Shikamaru, and the King standing near the footwell of the stairs, turned to her. She just cried harder, shaking like a leaf in front of everyone. “He grabbed me and started to touch me, and-and I couldn’t do anything,” Y/N told them all through her pained cries.

The King marched up the steps and grabbed his guard by the arm, yanking him toward the doorway to enter the castle. He appeared worn from his workout, tired and sweaty, but he was awake enough to realize the severity of the situation. He bowed low to Y/N and her companion.

His apology ran thick from his mustached lips, “This is unacceptable. Honored guests, I apologize for everything that’s happened. I will take care of this, I assure you. Please, don’t hesitate to ask for anything you need tonight.” Shikamaru nodded, and they watched as the pair of men walked into the castle, no doubt to find another guard to incarcerate the guard in question.

Shikamaru turned to her and winced, seeing her dress pushed down below her breasts and the tremors running through her hands desperate to cover them. He watched as hot, heavy tears ran thick down her cheeks and her lips quivered and shook with fear and trauma. Gently, he moved her hands to the side and brought her dress back up to cover her chest. He worked carefully, making sure not to startle her or make things worse.

The woman sunk into his touch, leaning her head against his shoulder and sobbing. “It’s gonna be okay, Y/N. You’re safe now.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and tugged her close to his chest, pressing a soft, gentle hand to the back of her head to stroke her hair. “I’m so sorry. I won’t leave you alone again, okay?”

“Shika, “ she whimpered, “I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I couldn’t do anything to defend myself and there was no one else around to help me. I-I didn’t know what to do.”

“I know. You must have been so scared,” he whispered. She just nodded against his shoulder, crying deeper into his chest. He hugged her tighter and swore to himself, even if he couldn't make it happen, that he would protect her. This kind of thing would never happen to her again if he had any say at all. “I promise this won’t happen again.”

"I've just never been in that position before. I always have the upper hand. It was awful. I was so scared and I wanted to cry for you to come help me but I didn't know where you were."

"God, I'm sorry," he mumbled, hugging her tighter in a desperate attempt to calm her shaking. He just wanted for her to be better, even if he knew that wasn't an option right now.

He felt so hopeless, knowing the only thing he could do was promise, to say things without any actual basis behind them. He was just whispering words to the wind hoping they would stick and he was right. He cursed himself for not being there in the first place to protect her, to make sure something like this never happened in the first place. He really was useless when she needed him the most.

He wouldn’t even argue if she said she wanted to go home, if she never wanted to see him again. He let her down. For the first time ever, he let her down in the most terrible, awful way he could think of. And now she was crying and he didn’t know how to make it better. He was really trash.

For now, all he could do though was hug her and promise her the world, all these things that might make her feel safe and comfortable, make her feel less alone and scared. It was the least he could do.

________

Finally, after a long evening of socializing and another huge dinner literally fit for a king, Y/N found herself stripping off her gowns and heavy undergarments, switching into something much lighter and comfortable for the night.

She was tired from the day. From being left alone for the good part of the morning just sitting in the sun waiting around. She was tired from the assault on her body by the guard whom was supposedly in jail right now for his actions. She was tired from all the crying and the shaking. She was just tired.

Shikamaru was out, finishing up drinks with the King and some of his subordinates for the time being, so she sunk down into the mattress near the far wall, curling up under the down covers and pulling a book from the table beside her. Anything to ease her mind for a while. She felt safe being alone in the confides of the bedroom, knowing that her friend was right down the hall if she needed him.

She scanned the pages of the novel quietly, humming each time she turned a page, leaning on her elbow so the pages would be illuminated in the candlelight.

After about an hour, the door slid open and her companion entered, shutting the door silently behind him. "You aren't asleep? I expected you to be after such a long day."

"I'm tired, but I'm not in the mood for sleep yet," she shrugged, still skimming through the pages of her novel. "Did you have fun?"

"Nah. It's such a drag having to hang out with that old man. He's nice but he never stops talking." He took off his coats and tossed them onto a chair, kicking off his heavy boots and thick socks. "Annoying, having to wear all this fancy shit too."

"Trust me, I know." She shifted over in the bed so he had more space to lay himself down, kicking out his legs and crossing his ankles. "Do you know what's on the agenda for tomorrow?"

He nodded, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side to peek at her face. His eyes slid down to the novel turned over in her hands and smirked, "Yeah. You've got book club. Have fun with that." She tossed her book back on the table beside her and instead curled further into the blankets.

His eyes caught hers and he smiled, one of those undeniably handsome intoxicating smiles she loved so deeply. "You know, you look kinda cute like that."

"Huh?"

He shrugged, "All curled up under the blankets like a little baby. It's cute. I'm just calling it how I see it."

If she wasn't flustered before, she definitely was now. He was undeniably making her feel some sort of way, and she was loving the attention. He was being so bold, so unlike him. She questioned what had compelled him to act like this, to say such things. They weren't in character anymore, it wasn't like he had to say these things.

"Thanks, Shika." She felt dumb but what was she supposed to say? She was overwhelmed. "But we're alone now. You don't have to act all lovey-dovey."

He crossed his arms beneath his head and sighed, eyes gazing up at the canopy. He mumbled, just loud enough to reach her ears, “When this is all over, I’m gonna miss you being my princess.” She peered over at him in the candlelit room, making out his faint silhouette in the darkness. Her heart fluttered in her chest at his sweet words. She never imagined in a million years Shikamaru would say these things to her, and now that it was happening she didn’t know how to react.

She dreamed of this moment for a while now. The thoughts of Shikamaru confessing his feelings and then her falling into his arms dramatically. It was a fantasy of hers, a guilty pleasure. Far too dramatic to ever be a reality.

That's why she was too shocked to meet his eyes. His princess. Those words made her woozy.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not stupid. You know what I'm talking about," he said calmly.

"You don't want things to go back to normal?" Y/N asked, hesitant. She felt nervous, diving into these waters. Each words felt like it held so much weight. It was a puzzle, just finding the right thing to say, how to reply to his statement. "Just friends, like before?"

"Is that what you want?"

And when she really thought about it, he was right. She didn't want to go back to normal. She wanted to continue holding his hand, kissing his cheek and his lips, loving each other with their words and their gazes and all the little touches. She wanted all of this to last and as the mission came to a close, she found herself worrying for the future empty of all those things.

She shook her head, just barely able to bring her eyes up to meet his. He looked bored, but she knew he cared. He cared a lot, actually. "I-I think I'd like if we could stay like this."

"Falling in love with you, Y/N, was one of the easiest things I've ever done. Finding the right time to tell you, that's been troublesome," he confessed, blowing a stray piece of hair from his eyes. "You never seemed emotionally available, really."

"I always was. I was always waiting for you, Shikamaru. Ever since we were just teenagers, I've been waiting for you," she told him, letting her heart finally come out with her words. "I just thought you wanted to be friends. Before this mission, I had completely given up on being with you, but then everything seemed to fall into place on this trip."

"When Kakashi told us we would be married for this mission, I have to admit, I got excited." He rolled onto his side to face her. She was still curled up in her blanket, and he felt like he was melting. The most beautiful woman in the entire world right in front of him, his heart playing right into her hands. He was okay with that. He was okay with this girl having his entire soul if that meant he would see that smile and those eyes peering up at him.

He wasn't a romantic man. Far from it. But she brought out a side of him he'd only heard about from love struck novelists, such kinds Kakashi sensei would read.

"I just knew I'd have to shoot my shot with you," he finished, sending a wink her way. She truly was swoon, like putty in his hands. Her words came faster than she could think to stop them.

"Shikamaru, I think I love you. When you kissed me for the first time, I knew it was true. All these feelings for the past few years weren’t in vain. I love you."

"The feeling is mutual."

The girl crawled out from under the blankets and over to him on the other side of the mattress. Her arms wound around his neck and as best she could, she curled into his chest. Her ear pressed to his heart, beating loud and constant in her mind. He was more than happy to let her cuddle up to him, in fact, he relished in the feeling.

This is what he'd been missing out on all this time. The hugs. The cuddles. The looks in the dark full of love and longing. It was nice, to lay there with someone he knew for sure, without any doubt, loved him to the moon and back. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tighter to his tired form, letting her sink further into his touch.

Kakashi knew what he was doing sending them. Two lovers with a mask over their emotions, straight into a game full of dancing around their feelings and pretending to be something they always wanted to be. Everything played out perfectly, a happy ending for a couple of worthy shinobi.

He was happy. That's all he could ask for.

#shikamaru x reader #shikamaru x y/n #naruto x reader #naruto imagines #shikamaru nara #shikamaru imagine #shikamaru one shot #naruto oneshot #naruto #naruto shippuden #naruto imagine #i HATE this one omg #fuck this story i struggled so badly #sorry requester but i couldn't vibe with this but i did my best hope you still like #my shitty writing omg #read my kakashi fics for something good lmao

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the-phoenix-heart · 3 years ago

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10 Amazing Futurama Comics

There is a severe lack of Futurama content on this and other sites (seriously, the Night at the Museum movies have more fics than Futurama). And, nobody posts about the Futurama comics. So I’m posting 10 of my favorites.

10. Attack of the 50-Foot Amy (Issue #33)

It’s actually not as sexual as the cover makes it out to be. The basic premise is that Amy mistakes the can of growth spray (that Cubert and Dwight want to use for their science fair project) for hair spray and sprays waaaay too much before her anniversary date with Kif. Meanwhile, Bender teaches Fry the wonders of video piracy, but after he gets scared by a movie home alone style he eats his disc of pirated movies and starts uncontrollably acting them out. You can probably guess how these two plots connect.

While I do list this one as one of my favorites, it’s far from perfect. The artwork is good, but the scaling on Amy is very wonky so she looks more like a twenty-foot Amy (also Dwight’s eyes are drawn weird in this comic, he looks blazed out the entire time). But I cannot help but be charmed by this comic. It’s got some sweet Bender and Fry friendship moments and actually makes me believe Kif and Amy’s relationship for a little bit. They are very sweet in this comic, although Kif does go through some pain in this comic.

Best moments: They way they resolve the plot is actually pretty funny and clever, plus Bender hopped up on pirated movies is a joy. At one point Fry gets shoved by Steven Spielbot (don’t ask) and Bender goes all Rocky on his ass saying “No one talks to my gal, Adrian, like that!” It’s very sweet and...subtextual if you understand my meaning. This one also has anti comic book piracy message at the end which was ironic for me to read.

9. Doctor What (Issue #32)

The Professor creates a time traveling port-a-potty so that you can pee in whatever time and space you want, although it’s completely random. However, Zoidberg accidentally breaks the potty, so him, Leela, Fry, and Bender have to keep randomly flushing to get back home. On each of these new worlds Zoidberg keeps accidentally saving the citizens, getting medals, and ends up becoming addicted to the fame he keeps winning. Which leads to them getting stuck in a post apocalyptic New New York.

This is the infamous Leela-Bender-Fry fusion comic, Leelan von Fry-Bot. His backstory is actually a little sad, but I won’t spoil it here. This one is pretty good, because it has Zoidberg as the hero. Actually quite a few of these feature Zoidberg as a fourth member of the delivery crew which is weird, but not entirely unwelcome. It’s also fun to see these other worlds, and now that I think about it it’s actually a little similar to The Late Phillip J. Fry, what with the time travel to different interesting worlds.

Best Moments: I actually liked Leelan’s backstory, and his interactions with his “parents” (you’ll understand when you read it) are actually pretty funny and a little cute. Fry really wants to be a dad you can tell.

8. The Simpsons Futurama Crossover Crisis II

The professor creates a device that takes characters out of their stories into the real world. Trouble is, he tells the mayor that this invention is useful because you can get slave labor out of the characters because they technically have no constitutional rights. The Simpsons end up working with the Planet Express crew, but an accident leads to the release of ALL FICTIONAL CHARACTERS EVER.

This is a sequel comic to the Futurama Simpsons Infinitely Secret Crossover Crisis (fun fact: a reference to several famous comic book arcs). I chose this one above it though because I think it understood the assignment better. The original is funny, but I just don’t think that Springfield is a good setting for a Futurama crossover. Springfield for all its zaniness, is not the future. New New York, however, is great for this crossover. We get several scenes where we see the Simpsons going through space and fighting off monsters. We even get to see the other residents of Springfield in the future, Mr. Smithers becomes a space pirate and Mr. Burns falls in love with Mom, it’s great.

Best Moments: Some of them I already mentioned, but I cannot stress enough how hilarious the Burns-Mom romance is, it’s especially good when you can hear their voices in your head. I also like the friendship the Simpsons have with the Planet Express crew.

7. Six Characters in Search of a Story (Issue #14)

This is a very interesting comic. The Professor falls asleep, so to pass the time the crew decides to look through his old failed inventions, and well, that’s a very bad idea. The most interesting thing about this comic is it’s designed so that if you want you can only read certain panels to follow one person’s story. The Futurama comics do this a lot of the time and it’s always interesting.

The shenanigans that occur in this one are really funny, and there are some great looking pages in this. Also the Futurama crew clearly took ideas from the comics, and this is one of them. You can tell from the cover art that this does have elements of “Benderama” in it, what with Bender cloning himself ad infinitum. I also really like the climax, it’s a little schmultz-y for Futurama, but I don’t mind.

Best Moments: Fry gets stuck with a Spanish speaking Bender and I don’t know why but it’s really funny to me. The professor also gets some funny moments in this one. And Scruffy. Scruffy is always a delight.

6. Igner-ance is Bliss! (Issue #63)

Yeah this is the infamous robot Leela and Fry comic. Don’t worry, like the cover says, it’s not as dramatic as it looks. The crew has to go to a world that’s too dangerous for humans, so Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg all have their consciousnesses put into robot doubles so they can make the delivery. However, it turns out this planet is a sort of getaway spa for robots, and the crew decides to party it up there, at least until Bender discovers that this is a front for an evil plot by Mom. The subplot is mostly about how Igner is not respected by his brothers.

This one is fun, and I love a comic where Bender has to be the voice of reason. It is clearly killing him to be the responsible one, but I love it. Also, I have a soft spot for Igner, so it’s nice to see him get thrown a bone for once. This also has some really fun jokes with everyone, but Zoidberg in particular gets some bangers. I think my only problem is it ISN’T as cool as the cover makes it out, but like I’m happy with what it is.

Best Moments: Fry beats up Bender at one point and wins, I think he deserved it. Also, y’all know Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars? He makes some cameos in this one. Also all the robots (sans Bender) make a Japanese style mecha and it’s the coolest thing ever. Plus everything I’ve said about Igner I love in this one. Oh also Fry beats Calculon at poker and I really love that.

5. Who’s Dying to be a Gazillionaire? (Issue #5)

This one is sweet. The IRS is threatening to bankrupt Planet Express, and if they can’t think of a way to make a million dollars they will go out of business. No one really has any ideas and doesn’t even really care, except for Fry who is determined to save Planet Express. He gets the idea to go onto Who Wants to be a Gazillionaire to make the money, even though it’s a trivia show and if he loses he will die.

This one really warms my heart, it’s Fry at his best, just doing what he can for the people he loves. Even the professor is great in this one. I don’t want to spoil it, but trust me when I say it’s good (god I hope I’m not building this up too much).

Best moments: The end panel. But also the resolution of the story is great, and I really appreciate this comic for Fry as a character.

4. Rumble in the Jungle (Issue #38)

This is a fine comic. Leela is mad that she’s not being respected by Fry and Bender, and it’s bad enough that they don’t believe her when she says they’re going to crash into a planet. They end up parachuting down and getting separated. Leela ends up as queen of some workers in the “Amazon,” meanwhile Fry finds Bender’s corpse and goes off to avenge him.

This one is fun, and another fun one for Fry, because he’s determined to avenge Bender and works hard for it. This also includes the original Frender, not the ship but fusion. Leela and Fry even have a fight scene against each other and it’s honestly great.

Best Moments: Fry is great throughout the entire comic, and Leela spends most of her time beating up random animals. Bender also using a lead parachute he made out of toys he stole from children is funny, especially because I’m always a sucker for Bender doing dumb shit.

3. Don’t Go Taking My Heart! (Issue #69) (nice)

Mom only has a couple weeks to live, unless she can get a heart transplant. It’s revealed that Mom uses the cryogenics lab to get new body parts for herself, and that Fry was supposed to be her heart donor! Unfortunately, because he was unfrozen she now has to get him to work for Mom Corp to make sure his heart stays intact for the procedure.

If you can’t tell I love the Fry-centric comics, and I also like the comics where Mom is the villain. Of course this comic doesn’t go completely how you expect it to go, it’s actually REALLY sweet. I also love the fact that in this comic Fry actually makes a great intern. He basically has the job of a secretary and he’s GOOD at it. And I love seeing when Fry is good at things. The reason why I put this at only 3 is because it doesn’t really have a subplot. Bender gets a job at mom corp to but it’s only there for a couple pages, and Leela’s new crew gets two panels and that’s it.

Best Moments: The moments with Mom and Fry, but also guess who Mom’s doctor is? I’m actually not going to reveal it because it’s so random but also hilarious.

2. Boomsday! (Issue #58)

The Professor builds Bender his own parents, as a way to placate/discipline Bender. However, these parents decide that Fry is a bad influence on Bender, leading to them kicking him out. Meanwhile, the Professor’s doomsday devices are all stolen, and he has to go find them.

Both of these plots are funny and good. Bender’s plot is also really sweet what with his friendship with Fry, and his wish for parents. Meanwhile the Professor’s plot is just really funny and I do love seeing the Professor in his element. The ending is mostly heartwarming.

Best Moments: Everything with Fry and Bender, and Bender has a sweet relationship with his fake parents. Also, the Professor uses Issac Asimov candles on the robot mafia which I found a great joke. Oh, and the Professor’s first doomsday device was made when he was four years old and I love that. The end of the comic also has very nice message.

1. Rotten to the Core (Issue #27)

The world’s weather has gone kerflooey, and the Professor has figured out that his invention that can drill into the center of the Earth has been used. It conspires that Bender sold it at a yard sale to some aliens call the magmoids. The magmoids are trying to steal magma from the Earth’s core and the crew has to go and stop them.

This is my favorite because it’s a great character comic. All of the main three have great moments, and it’s also a great science comic. The Earth’s core is incredibly magnetic so of course Bender starts spouting out folk songs, and also SECRETS. I can’t believe no one has used the fact that canonically magnets make Bender incapable of telling lies. Anyway, it’s just really fun.

Best Moments: Way too many to count. Bender and Fry are told to cut out the “Brokeback Moanin,’“ Leela and Fry are bitter at the end, Fry tells story about his childhood, Bender has some great secrets to tell, the Professor gets a really fun ending, Bender has a rare moment of generosity, and the entirety of the climax is all kinds of fun and sweet.

#this is all part of my agenda to make more people watch futurama #or specifically read futurama because if you are antsy about watching a seven season show then at least you have 10 great comics you can rea #futurama #i try not to include frender in this but i'm easily susceptible to their friendship #turanga leela #phillip j fry #bender bending rodriguez #the professor #hubert j farnsworth #dr john zoidberg #john zoidberg #zoidberg #futurama comics

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tendercoretroglodyke · 4 years ago

Note

... I’m interested in legitimately gay Reese (I assume one piece of evidence is “look at what they’re doing and tell me you’re not gay”)

okay this is like 2 days late but this is why reese malcolminthemiddle is legitimately gay:

(side note: did anyone need a queer media thesis paper or something... I am willing to share lmao)

so none of this is like... rock solid evidence or anything but I need to believe at least one main character of a show is gay and/or trans to maintain interest and reese is the most plausible gay character. also it’s early 2000′s so he just gets a lot of vaguely homophobic jokes lmao

first of all, yes, the biggest piece of evidence he’s gay is those lines from that episode I quoted the other day--thinking malcolm is gay, he tries to show his support by giving him a gay porno: “’Naught Pool Boys 3!’ I watched 10 or 12 of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.” and when malcolm says he isn’t gay, reese responds “Malcolm. Check out what those guys are doing in that movie, and THEN tell me you’re not gay.”-- so, 1) reese sat down and watched like a dozen gay porn movies to ““find a good one for his gay brother”” and 2) he thinks malcolm would reconsider his heterosexuality if he watched what was in that movie, implying that HE reconsidered his sexuality after watching that movie, or at the very least found it hot

in the same episode, the character tricking malcolm into thinking reese is gay lists the following as evidence: he obsesses over his hair and his looks, loves his gourmet cooking, has a bunch of magazines covered in comically muscular men, and that he’s angry and acts like a jerk because he’s “dealing with something weird and confusing.” now obviously, the obsession with hair/looks can be chalked up to the fact that he’s a teenage boy, and there’s nothing inherently gay about enjoying cooking. the dozen magazines of muscle-bound men could certainly be taken as gay evidence, though, and it IS established in the show that his entire bully persona is his way of masking his inner feelings and insecurities. there’s literally a whole episode where he & malcolm realize they have no friends because they act like little shits to push people away because they’re afraid of rejection and/or abandonment from their peers. they ostracize themselves before they can be ostracized by the other students at school. I could probably write a whole other essay on reese’s psyche tbqh lmao there’s a shocking amount there!!

of the brothers who are actually old enough to be attracted to girls (reese, malcolm, and francis), he shows the least interest. now bear with me here. you might be thinking, “well, yeah, it’s malcolm’s show, we’re not gonna see things from other people’s perspective!” but that is actually surprisingly untrue, the show is very much equally shown from each family members’ perspectives. starting about s2, when malcolm is in early middle school, he starts getting crushes on girls and pursuing them. francis goes after a few women in the first couple seasons and then marries a woman we see a lot throughout the show.

in the roughly... 130?? episodes I have watched so far, nearly all of reese’s “interest” in girls involve either: competition with malcolm, genuinely just liking her as a friend, or some completely ulterior motive. the only exception to this I can think of is in the early seasons where he has a crush on a cheerleader and tries to get on her good side by joining the cheerleading squad, which the writers clearly set up as a way to make gay jokes about reese. let me give you a few examples of his relationships with girls

the first relationship we see him in is with a “stupid girl” that malcolm tried (and failed) to date, and the main reason they get together is that they think on the same wavelength and genuinely seem to enjoy hanging out. they take breaks from their bro chats to make out every once in a while. eventually he gets her to break up with him because he doesn’t want to go to the school dance with her (he doesn’t want to go at all). years later, he’s dating some girl we meet for like 5 minutes, before he goes to confess to her that she’s the first girl he’s ever loved. she then breaks up with him. he’s sad, but taking it fairly well. he’s about to leave when he sees malcolm hiding under the bed, and learns that he stole his girlfriend. he then runs away to join the army. he was clearly MUCH more upset that his brother stole his girlfriend than he was that his girlfriend broke up with him. there are many more instances of him and malcolm competing for a girl’s affections, and he seems mostly motivated by the competition itself.

in addition to “stupid girl,” he also manufactures an “attraction” to his female army buddy in the last season. the premise of this episode is that his old army buddy (a girl he play-wrestles with and insults like he would his own brothers) comes to visit him, and malcolm convinces reese that she’s attracted to him, and that reese’s nervousness at learning that fact is proof he’s in love with her. there’s a misunderstanding where reese asks her if she has certain “feelings” and she says she does, but what she ACTUALLY means is that she has a crush on reese’s MOM. she’s a lesbian. reese later propositions her (saying he’s saved his virginity for this--he’s probably about 18 here), and when she says omg no im gay, he is HUGELY relieved they can go back to being friends. CLASSIC mlm/wlw friendship moment.

there’s an episode where these cute girls pick up reese (& nerds) to kiss in front of their boyfriends to make them jealous. reese is all for it, and when malcolm argues that it’s not worth his dignity and the beating he’ll get from the girl’s boyfriend, reese counters that that’s WHY he wants to do this--he’s completely invisible at school, and thinks getting beaten up for kissing some guy’s girlfriend will at least make him known around school. at no point does he indicate he’s actually attracted to this girl, and when it comes time to kiss her, he finds the weakest excuse to run away at the last minute.

im not gonna list all of these but there’s more lmao

the following is a random assortment of one-off gay jokes and out-of-context lines with gay reese implications, often homophobically bc its early 2000′s writing:

says “I’m gay” to a girl to give malcolm a better shot at her

(again in competition with malcolm) tries to flirt with a girl by spraying milk in her face as the punchline to a joke, which is. well. hm. self-sabotaging, to say the least!!

Reese: “Do you think it’s right to totally change who you are and turn your back on EVERYTHING you believe in, just to impress a hot guy??” [his dad gives a long, blank stare, before asking:] “...Burt Reynolds hot, or Sting hot?”

“YEAH I like clouds! I call them sky kittens :)” (I just think that one’s sweet!)

“Look, Christie, here’s the thing. When I first met you, I was just messing around. But we’ve gotten so close that, now... I really like you! I can’t keep this up anymore. I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve been pretending since the day I met you. It’s so hard having to constantly cover my tracks to keep my story straight... and I don’t WANT to anymore! I’m tired of living this lie! I’m done with it. I’m sorry.”

he catfishes some guy to blackmail him, but is implied to continue the flirtation even after the catfishing/blackmail is revealed

reese is, technically, married to a man. this particular plot point is played as a joke and manages to be both racist and homophobic, so I won’t go into it. but I believe he is still married to that man. technically.

reese takes care of a huge box full of caterpillars until they pupate and become beautiful butterflies. I feel like there’s some kind of gay coming out metaphor here somewhere.

I think there are a couple other times where he comments on a guy’s attractiveness but I couldn’t find specific instances.

In conclusion: Reese is a deeply repressed gay kid who was socialized SO thoroughly as an early 2000′s straight boy that, despite his attraction for men and his obvious compulsory heterosexuality, he still cannot admit to himself that he is gay even as he enters adulthood. Furthermore, his subconscious frustration about this fact is turned outward to form the “schoolyard bully” costume he uses to mask his insecurities and keep others from getting too close to him.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. I could be convinced to come back for another talk about how Dewey is trans or about how each and every member of that family is neurodivergent in entirely different ways. Assuming anyone has read this far in the first place!!

#sorry this was so long lmao I legit spent 2 hours on this #I have 2 modes: not doing the thing and overdoing the thing #hey anon if you actually see this I'd appreciate a quick message saying so lmao I'd hate to write all this only for you to miss it #I'll probably rb sometime tomorrow at least #also liz if you're reading this i was GONNA add a bit about francis' gay potential like you mentioned but I ran out of steam so remind me t #i think reese has the most gay potential tho #mitm #malcolm in the middle #anonymous #Anonymous

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smolbeandrabbles · 4 years ago

Text

364 Days To Go - Director Keller x Reader (Captain Marvel)

Holiday Fic 4! 🎄🎄

GIF Credit: X

@wltz-bby @happyskywhale

Author’s Note: This Holiday season belongs to the less popular boys and honestly I’m all here for it! Keller was the last one I came up with and it was just because I put all my Christmas music on shuffle and I was like “whoooo... could I use this for?” And then thought hard on it and came up with a kinda cute Keller scenario. Also he deserves more love!!

Really, by the title alone, this should be the post Christmas fic, but, oh well!

Disclaimer: Captain Marvel Characters Not mine / gif not mine / lyrics not mine / usual stuff, different fic!

Premise: December 25th may almost be over, but you can both still have a little fun...

Words: 1431

Warnings: The setting is Christmas day, although Christmas is not mentioned by name / drinking / if you squint there is the tiniest of sexual references

____

Wrapping paper everywhere Stacked up dishes, but who cares They can wait until tomorrow now It's you and me, and this old couch

The Christmas tree in our living room Fills the room with pine perfume And colored lights dancing on the walls While Nat King Cole sings "Deck The Halls"

Thanks for my robe, no that's ok It looks better on you anyway What is it about this time of year That makes our troubles disappear 'Cause don't you get the sense tonight That for now the world is right And as another Christmas ends My mind drifts and once again I'm thinking like a six year old Only 364 days to go

We can't avoid it No way around it Before too long we'll be Either back to work back to school Or just back to reality

Don't you get the sense tonight That for now the world is right And as another Christmas ends My mind drifts and once again I'm thinking like a six year old Only 364 days to go Be here before you know it

---

The house was filled with the sound of holiday music. Although, without putting a damper on things, the holiday was almost over. Well, the main part of it anyway. But neither of you were thinking about that. In fact the music was the only sound, as currently you were both nestled on the couch together, your head on Keller’s chest. There was plenty of reason to move, you supposed. Remnants of brightly coloured paper still littered the floor, a stack of dishes by the sink that - if you were really cognizant - you should probably get started on. But, there was always tomorrow… This was the very last day of the year you would ever have had your partner working on. Even if it wasn’t work work.

Besides, you were both currently stuck in a food coma, and snuggled on the couch was the only place to be; drifting in and out of sleep with the heat on high and his arms around you. You were surprised that he hadn’t even taken one glance at his pager today. You would understand for any other Agent (heck, you’d hurled yours across the room the second you’d got in last night, where it’d clattered against the wall. And even upon Keller’s insistence, you hadn’t gone to retrieve it yet - and, didn’t see him doing it for you), but not the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D… Keller constantly told you that, for him, there was always something going on. Which meant today should be no exception. He was doing this for you, you knew. But you were glad he was taking respite for once; he deserved it. You knew how important his position was, but Keller always worked so damn hard. You thought it was about time he got some recognition for that - even if it was in the form of a quiet moment on the couch with you. Running your fingers gently through his steel grey hair, Keller didn’t really stir; his grip on you loosened slightly, and that sleepy content hum made you do nothing but smile. You pressed a kiss gently to his forehead and cheek before you stole away from his arms. It was about time to get yourself back in your pyjamas you thought! Hurrying quietly from the room, you halted and turned back to his gifts. A little smirk formed on your face; on second thought… *** By the time you returned to him Keller was awake but still looked a little drowsy; head in his hand, propped up by his elbow on his knee, as he held open a book with his other hand. As you shuffled into the room he looked up and then immediately laughed. “Oh, I see you’re wasting no time stealing my clothes, huh?” To be honest the robe was almost a joke gift, you’d had it embroidered with ‘Director J. R. Keller’ across the left breast and then kidded with him that no one was going to be able to take the J off this. You brought your shoulders up as high as they could go and tucked yourself into it, “It’s very comfy, I gotta say.” Then made a motion to take it off, “Would you like it back?” “No… No…” He waved his free hand, “It looks good on you…” Keller continued to stare at you for a moment before smiling, “Go on, give us a twirl.” “Ah!” You gave him your very best and then posed, “What do you think?” “Yeah.” He almost said it flatly, “Gonna look so much better on you.” Before he placed the book down and opened his arms, “C’mon…”

You eagerly crossed the room, and back into Keller’s welcoming embrace. “I love you so much.” “I got the idea… yeah!” That only made you giggle again as he captured your lips with his own, rubbing his hands over your arms as if to warm you up. “PJs too? Man, I missed the memo…” Keller was still in a nice shirt and pants. A little more relaxed than his usual suit (and sleeves rolled up, as you would have requested; his forearms were something to behold), but no less easy on the eye. “Time to get comfortable.” “Just seems like a typical non-work day for you, then.” You gasped, pretending to get offended and smacked his arm, “Don’t say the ‘W’ word!” “Oh, geez, I should have guessed that was banned too.” “Are you trying to be humorous?” He quirked an eyebrow, amused, and you tried to hold your serious face for all of 3 seconds before you snorted, “Okay. You win this round, Mr. Keller!” He allowed you to steal a series of short kisses, before he settled you back on the couch alone; turning the music up a little, he poured you both a glass of mulled wine. Handing your glass over to you, Keller didn’t sit back down. You wondered if he was attempting to stretch his body out after the confines of the couch. “Hey, don’t get any of this over my robe now.” “Oh my god…” You shook your head at him, “Just tell me if you want me to take it off-!” He smirked through his sip, “Wouldn’t dream of it.” You rolled your eyes, and for a minute it went quiet before you studied him a little closer. He wasn’t even really looking at you, more surveying the decor of the house and paying attention to the songs, but Keller still knew what you were doing; “What?” “Just making sure that pager of yours isn’t on you!” He scoffed, “So you can yell at me today of all days of the year?” He took another sip before he placed his glass down and held his hand out for you. You took a bigger gulp of wine than you thought was necessarily, and you watched his face try to remain stoic and not even a little disappointed in you for doing so, before you took the hand he offered and let him pull you off the couch. Keller spun you into his arms and held you close, letting you lay your hand flat against his before you laced your fingers together, and he swayed you gently to the music. “Oh? You want to dance with me when I’m not even dressed appropriately?” “I’ll forgive it.” He chuckled, but then took a more serious breath, “You know that I don’t care, right?” “I’m just teasing you-!” Although you couldn’t help but blush gently; you knew he would take you any way you wished to present to him. That was just the kind of man that he was. You weren’t sure that anyone in the world deserved him really, but you weren’t about to argue with the look of love on his face today. Instead you’d simply bask in it, honoured that Keller chose to give it to you. You continued to sway slowly to the music as song changed into song, changed into song… and both of you once again surveyed the room, and tried not to think of everything you’d have to do tomorrow. The darkness had drawn in, but there was still something magical about it today, instead of gloomy and depressing. You couldn’t help but grin as you looked back into his soft blue eyes, it might have almost been over, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t still have childish excitement about next year. “Only 364 days to go!” Keller gave an encouraged nod of agreement, “And imagine what can happen in that time-!” Only he added a mysterious little wink, causing you to narrow your eyes; “OKAY what is going on at work!?” His look was of pure innocence, “Nothing! Well- No, maybe something, but I can promise I don’t know!” You tilted your head, “To be honest, I’m surprised. Your fingers must be itching to click that little button.” Keller shrugged, “100% honesty? I haven’t really thought about it.” And he really did mean it, although he laughed, “But I’m sure I’ll wake to a million messages tomorrow-!” “Any way I could persuade you to collect another million more?” “Not check tomorrow?” Keller paused your swaying for a second, sucking his breath in between his teeth and pretending to think hard on it, “Just try it…” “Mmm. Think I will.” You winked, before removing your hands from his and wrapping your arms around his neck to pull Keller into a deep kiss.

364 days to go, maybe… But if it was 364 days filled with kisses like this, you wouldn’t mind waiting one bit.

---

Thank you for reading! And as my last fic before Christmas, Happy Holidays!!! 🎁🎅🎄

#Director Keller #Keller #Director Keller x Reader #Keller x Reader #Agent!Reader #Agent!Reader series #Captain Marvel #Ben Mendelsohn #204 #Holiday Fic #Linzi Writes #Smol Bean Drabbles #Every time I write for Keller and listen to his playlist I JUST wanna write for my space girl!#But can't do it! Just can't do it-!#In the words of Payne /I've tried... I have tried!/#If I could draw #that would be helpful because I'd love to /DRAW/ them together.#Anyways...#Look /the last of the real ones/ by Fall Out Boy for Keller/Maliyah though. HOLY. SHIT.

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9worldstales · 3 years ago

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MCU Loki Ep 5 “Journey to mystery” intensive analysis

So we reached episode 5. Which yeah it’s better than episode 4 but…

It’s not like it fixes episode 4 problems. It just skips them.

Also… it’s an abrupt change of mood. The other 4 episodes were fundamentally serious. They had comedic moments but they were just moments. They had the appropriate amount of drama considering the plot.

This episode… seems to come out from “Looney tunes” for the most part. You can consider it partly a compliment, as I love “Looney tunes”… but the problem is that the “Looney tunes” is out of place considering what should have been a dramatic situation, ends up causing the story to lose a lot of time on things that could have been skipped and required the characters to be OOC for the jokes to work.

So really… I can’t say it’s not fun, it is… but it seems out of place with the rest of the series as if they had handed it to completely different people.

Premise, I usually don’t talk about them but the title of this episode is “Journey to mystery” which is an homage to the comic that hosted “Thor” but also the whole saga of Kid Loki.

Anyway.

Loki has woken up on the Void and, as soon as he had woken up he had met 4 Lokis, Classic Loki, Kid Loki, Boastful Loki and… Alligator Loki. I find the irony of Loki meeting an Alligator Loki when he’s out trying to kill 3 space lizards delicious but only if this isn’t trying to foreordain the big enemy is going to be another Loki Variant.

Because, if that’s the case I’m not gonna find it funny. But I’ll save the rant for when and if we’ll cross that bridge.

So we start with an interesting scene.

We’re at the TVA but we see it upside down. It’s a hint of how our view of the TVA should have turned upside down. They aren’t heroes protecting the Sacred Timeline, they are brainwashed Variants murdering other Variants. The camera keeps on rotating as we move in what was supposed the room of the Time-Keepers and then it finally stop and shows us things not upside down as we’re back into the Void in which Loki ended.

There’s plenty of fog and a devastated New York City and a purple cloud with purple thunders inside and who’s pretty close to our Loki who stands up and ask where he is and who’re the others.

He’s told in very simply terms:

Classic Loki: This is The Void. That's Alioth. And we're his lunch. Come on!

As the group escape, Loki in tow, the purple cloud whose name we just learnt is Alioth, turns on having a face with red shining eyes and red mouth that looks many things but friendly is not one of them.

Now… who named that place? Who named the cloud? Did it stop and introduced itself? Okay, it’s probably not relevant who need it but if the sentence had been ‘We call this place The Void and that hungry cloud Alioth’ I think it would have worked better. But whatever, I’m nitpicking, I know. On a sidenote Alioth is a Marvel comic character but in them he has a little more personality. Here it reminds me more of “the Nithing” of the “Neverending story” movie, with a bit of Gmork added just to spice up things.

We get the title then we switch back to the TVA.

Sylvie demands to have Renslayer’s TemPad and Renslayer, who’s not as fast as Sylvie was when she was a kid because she’s not blessed with the superhuman speed of the heroine, hands it to her without trying to use it first.

Sylvie now asks who’s behind the TVA and Renslayer denies to know it. Now, if Mobius were here he would probably close her in a time loop in which she would be beaten until she’ll beg to please stop but Sylvie is not Mobius so she’s just sarcastic as she pushes her back on the ground with one feet.

Sylvie: Poor Judge Renslayer. Your whole reality's been destroyed. Tell me, how does it feel to be on the other side of it?

Okay, so it seems… she has hurt Renslayer a lot although her arm isn’t broken and she’ll use it just fine later on? And… no, okay, I’m lost.

Because now they aren’t anymore where the Time-Keepers were supposed to be but in the place where the trials are held. Only Sylvie got the TemPad only now so, how did they moved?

She stopped threatening Renslayer to retrieve some other guard’s TemPad then transferred them there then returned to Renslayer and demanded her Tempad? Or they walked outside and reached that place so that everyone could notice Sylvie threatening Renslayer? Besides why in the world moving there? Just so that Sylvie can say:

Sylvie: This is it, isn't it? This is where you dragged me after you stole my life. A fitting place, then, to take yours.

Dramatic and fitting but is this quote worth destroying the logic behind the scene? HELP?!?

Why moving them there? It clearly wasn’t Sylvie’s idea as she realized only there they were in the place where they had held her trial… and anyway I would have said it’s more the place from which she escaped. The place she was dragged to was the TVA, that place was just her last stop of her permanence in the TVA.

There’s something that doesn’t work well here.

A moment before Renslayer was on the ground, groaning in pain because Sylvie has just pressed her foot against her shoulder… and now she’s instead standing in front of Sylvie and slightly distant from her.

Why letting her get up? Why since Sylvie was looking around and not at her Renslayer, instead than just get up hadn’t tried to make her trip? When this has happened as the change is just too abrupt?

Whatever, not great but not big.

Renslayer deploys what Mobius defined cockroach's survival mechanism by telling Sylvie Loki isn’t dead yet.

Sylvie says she would think she’s lying but Renslayer, who has evidently stolen Loki’s silvertongue, manages to persuade her they want the same thing... or at least to listen to her explaining how is he still alive and how saving him might get them closer to who’s behind the TVA.

Renslayer: It's complicated. I'm telling you this willingly.

And here I facepalm because she’s either assuming Sylvie is an idiot or the viewers are idiots because no, she’s not telling this willingly. Sylvie has just told her she was going to kill her and she’s trying to stall her from doing so and calls this ‘willingly’? Either she doesn’t know the meaning of the word or she’s taking everyone for an idiot.

Honestly I believe she’s taking everyone for an idiot but, in the hands of a different writer, this might explain why Mobius feels he’s Loki’s friend and not the guy who tortured him to get what he wanted, because they might think than being threatened of being killed is a normal interaction in a conversation.

Some people say ‘hum…’ some people say ‘I’ll kill you’, where’s the difference, it’s not threatening at all, just an ordinary intercalation.

Anyway Renslayer tells her how she deeply wishes to know who lied to her, because again, with the people at the TVA, it’s all about them, never about the people they reset. And can we just point out how she reset Loki AFTER knowing the TVA lied to her?

So when the Time-Keepers turned out to be fake it’s not like she went ‘oh my God, I want to know who lied to me now!’, she actually went ‘I’ll reset Loki and Sylvie and when this fails and Sylvie tries to kill me I’ll go, ops, I just remembered, I didn’t mean to reset you both, I only wanted to know who lied to me! I’m totally sincere here!’

Anyway Renslayer explains when they actually prune a branched reality they can’t destroy all that matter so they toss it in a comfortable trash disposer where it can’t continue growing, a void at the end of time ‘Where every instance of existence collides at the same point and simply stops.’

Sylvie asks ‘why?’

Why they toss them there? Why it can’t continue growing? Why every instance of existence collides at the same point and simply stops? No idea anyway it’s not like Renslayer has an answer either.

Renslayer: I don't know. The dogma states that the end of time is still being written, that the Time-Keepers are transforming it into utopia.

Oh, you’ve dogma. So you’re admitting you’re just a crazy cult.

Sylvie coulters that’s ‘super believable’ and yeah, it is. I’m sure the Time-Keepers are trying to create a cool utopia. For themselves.

I just doubt the rest of the universe will find their chosen ending an utopia as well. Anyway Renslayer assures her nothing comes back from where SHE, let me stress on the ‘she’, has sent Loki despite knowing the Time-Keepers were fake and lying to her. But Sylvie doesn’t have to worry because Renslayer can help. How if nothing can come back from her?

Magic?

What is Renslayer anyway, another Loki Variant who makes up dumb things but Sylvie swallows them because the plot says so? I say to just put her in a time loop, Sylvie.

Since the TVA likes them so much why not to let them experience them in the first place?

But no, she has to give Renslayer the tempad so, if Renslayer has a ounce of brain she can summon a Timedoor, escape from there, come back from another timedoor and arrest you.

But we don’t see her doing that because we jump back to the Void.

The Void is a terrible recycling dump. It would be nice if this were supposed to have the mean of starting a responsible discussion about trash disposing but no, we just have Loki who would like to take a breather so he can ask questions.

Sweety, really, I know the plot told you otherwise but I assure you that you can ask questions and walk and escape from Alioth so he doesn’t eat you all at the same time.

I was hoping the plot was going on you not being a walker because people in Asgard used horses to move around and skiffs but now I fear they only wanted to paint you as lazy.

I mean, we’ve a old man and a kid that can walk, why can’t you?

Anyway I’ll admit I found funny the following bit.

Classic Loki: Gotta keep moving so we don't die.

Loki: Okay, but what's your plan?

Classic Loki: Don't die.

Loki: Okay, but beyond that?

Classic Loki: Don't die.

Loki: That's not a plan. It's a general demand of living.

Of course there’s actually a pan behind all that as they’ll plan to walk till their hideout and hide there so that Alioth can’t find them. Now it’s probably a good moment like any other to wonder ‘how in the world they had found Loki?’

They’re far from their hideout, what then, they were out for a walk and he was dropped in front of them? Is this kind of plot contrivance or the story is going to have things happen for a reason that’s not ‘oh, look, what a coincidence’? Because a plot should have only so many coincidences, it can’t all conveniently happen at random!

Whatever, why am I talking anyway? Of course it happened because it’s convenient to the plot. And why did they pick him up and are taking him to a shelter? Just because they’re coincidentally nice Lokis like that? -_- Yeah, that’s why.

Loki protests if they’re Loki they should always have a plan. Yeah, they should. Too bad in this whole series it was proved over and over hardly Loki ever had a plan so… whatever.

Now I love the weird birds the place populate but they sadly serve no purpose beyond being weird birds moving around there and, apparently, being the only animals who survive the place… or the only Variant of animals the TVA pruned.

Loki start screaming, demanding explanations and summarizing his situation. Again, it’s fun, especially the part in which he says ‘now I'm surrounded by Variants of myself, plus an alligator, which sadly I didn't find all that strange’ but it feels like I’m into one episode of “Looney tunes” (in which the weird birds would fit perfectly by the way) or ‘who framed Roger Rabbit?’ because the fun is based on a total lack of logic.

That’s not the moment to stop and yell so as to have answers you can have by keeping on walking. They just told you not too long ago Alioth is interested in eating you all, either you believe it and keep walking or think they’re tricking you and walk away.

And this applies to the other Loki too. They can explain and walk instead they had dragged him along for who knows how long in silence for unknown reasons. But I’ll dig better into this in a while.

Anyway the purple cloud also known as Alioth seems to react to the ruckus Loki is making so Kid Loki points his sword at him walking close to him.

And here I’ve another problem.

Kid Loki was distant from Loki when they stopped… but when he pulls out his swords is what? A meter from him? So Loki has to hurry to back walk which causes him to fall because falling Loki is hilarious. Or because Kid Loki has to seem badass, pointing his sword to a lying on the ground Loki.

Kid Loki: Stop wailing or you will signal Alioth.

Even Kid Loki calls it just ‘wailing’. *sighs*

He does so by whispering though so Loki whispers as well when he asks him if he means the monster in the sky. I’m not sure why the kid shook his head since Loki is right, but whatever, he makes the sword disappear and helps Loki up.

Now… remaining where they are, the Lokis, starting from Kid Loki, begins to explains things to Loki, without bothering to whisper or to walk.

Kid Loki: This is the place where the TVA dumps its rubbish, everything they prune. And Alioth, he ensures none of it ever returns.

Boastful Loki: It's a living tempest that consumes matter and energy. They send entire branched realities here that are devoured instant...

Thanks for the info dump, I would have appreciated it just the same if you gave it to Loki while walking because yeah, it was funny to see Loki blowing up but it had no point and for me logic takes precedence over fun. I’m weird like that.

Now… Classic Loki is apparently the only one who can talk with Alligator Loki. I love how he explains him things because again, it’s funny…

Alligator Loki: ( /Growls/ )

Classic Loki: Oh, there's no such thing as an alligator tank. Besides, it's a better metaphor. He's overly sensitive like the rest of us.

…but again, also pointlessly absurd. The Void is not Toontown, the situation is supposed to be dramatic.

I fear they had decided since the Lokis are supposed to be chaotic creatures… they’re meant to create chaos for the sake of it.

The only things that VERY funny and that makes sense is this bit.

Loki: Hang on, that thing's a Loki too?

Classic Loki: Oh, yes.

Loki: Okay, fine. Willing to accept that.

I mean, it’s a totally fair question and it makes sense in a situation in which he has seen Variants of himself of all the kinds he can accept there’s one who’s an alligator too.

Really though, I’d like to have an explanation on how the Variants works. What makes someone the Variant of someone else? Because we’ve already established Sylvie had genetic code different from Loki but whatever… but an alligator… that’s in a completely different league.

Anyway the fact that Classic Loki define themselves as OVERLY sensitive basically seems to be put there to invalidate they’re sensitive because implies they’re excessively sensitive.

In “Thor” Loki had valid issues to be sensitive about and the side material was united in saying Odin favoured Thor. It wasn’t just Loki being overly sensitive.

This series claimed it would discuss Loki’s issues but the way they do it is by invalidating them.

I genuinely wonder if the Loki series employed someone who knew about psychological issues as a consultant. They gloss over narcissism, sensitiveness, adoption, racism issues, a suicide attempt and fear of abandonment in a worrying way.

Loki asks why there’s so many of them. It’s actually just four and they might not know. I mean, Loki doesn’t know so why should they have that info?

Never mind, they’ve the answer.

Classic Loki: Because Lokis survive. That's just what we do.

Oh, okay it’s not an answer to ‘why so many variants of Loki came into existence’ but ‘why you managed to survive’.

Not that the answer tell us much though since they don’t mean if Alioth will eat them, they will survive.

Loki asks them how do they escape. It turns out he doesn’t mean from Alioth but from the Void.

The answer he gets… fits with the question only for the very first part, the rest is an absolutely random info dump to define the Lokis incompetent.

Classic Loki: We don't. All of us were arrested by the TVA and pruned, just like you. And just like you, we all stood around making bad plans that went nowhere.

I mean, okay they were pruned. I could figure out this bit. It’s the ’and just like you, we all stood around making bad plans that went nowhere’ I’ve problems with. When it happened? Prior they were pruned? How did they know they were bad plans if they never could come into fruition because the TVA pruned them? Or after they were pruned? As in right now? Because escaping in a safe place is not a bad plan… it’s just a temporal fix though. And anyway Loki hadn’t planned anything yet… but of course he’s about to and it will be dumb.

I would like to say it’s not his fault, because he doesn’t know the place he’s in, so he would like first to use a TemPad… when of course there’s none there, and then considers causing a Nexus Event… which really is dumb because, let’s forget they’re in the Void, to cause a Nexus event you’ve to do something the Sacred Timeline disagree with, and Loki doesn’t know what the Sacred Timeline agrees with.

This means he wouldn’t know where to start in causing a Nexus event.

But whatever, instead than telling him they don’t know how to cause a Nexus Event they just tell him the TVA doesn’t care what happen there, which I hope they figured out by themselves and not because the TVA conveniently gave them an info dump at random.

As Loki insists there should be something they can do Classic Loki answer him there is.

Classic Loki: There is. Survive. That's all there is. All there ever was.

Sound like a sensible suggestion. Kid Loki tells them all they’re done talking and should go and Loki is free to do what he wants. Then they start to walk away. Note that they had all forgotten they should have whispered and the whole discussion was done with them talking normally and they’ll continue to talk normally now.

Loki decides to follow them and… ask Classic Loki why he wears the horns since he let a child command him. Now… “Marvel studios Visual Dictionary” says the horns on Loki’s helmet are a symbol of sorcery, not of leadership which makes goddamn sense since Loki had them in “Thor” too and he clearly wasn’t the leader. Now this series is trying to say me the horns make someone the boss?

The group stops again for… no reason.

Classic Loki tells Loki to respect Kid Loki as this is his kingdom. With all due respect this seems a way to please young viewers. Sure, it’ll turn out Kid Loki’s Nexus event was ‘to kill Thor’ but that’s all we’ll see the kid accomplish… and sadly it isn’t really explored upon. Was Thor killed on purpose or by coincidence? Did it pained him or not?

Loki seems affected by the idea that kid killed Thor but that’s all we’ll get from such a big declaration. It’s a wasted chance. They could have given us that instead than all that walking and the funny but pointless moments.

I was hoping Kid Loki ‘killed’ Thor by turning into the frog we saw being in a buried jar, in short Thor wasn’t dead yet but the TVA pruned everything and so a still alive Thor ended there and Kid Loki believed he had killed him but no, it seems Frog Thor in a Variant arrested by the TVA.

Eric Martin @MrEricMartin · Jul 8

Comic fans will notice the Frog of Thunder in that jar. We actually shot a scene for the Time Theater in Ep 1 of Loki getting pummeled by Frog Thor, but had to cut it to keep things moving. It’s too bad, because Tom was funny as hell. #LokiMidnightTheater

Apparently the “Loki” series longed for a frog to beat Loki too as if the show didn’t beat him often enough. As of now we don’t have an episode in which Loki didn’t got a beating.

Ep 1? B-15 beats him.

Ep 2? The people possessed by Sylvie beat him.

Ep 3? The guards on the train beat him.

Ep 4? Sif beats him.

Ep 5? Kid Loki sent him on the ground and then we’ll have all the Lokis beating each other.

I’m not saying Loki can’t get beaten in a series with fights, just that if it becomes a ‘funny’ trend proposed in each episode it talks of poor creativity.

The group resumed walking.

Okay the scenery is nice but why in the world they went so far?

More walking after the group reaches a trap door that Classic Loki probably sealed with magic as he’s the one who unseal it.

The group gets in.

The camera moves, showing us details about the layers of ground, among them we can see Mjolnir is buried there with a glass vase inside which there’s a frog Thor who’s still jumping around, screaming (Chris Heimsworth voiced it) as it tried to escape and can’t.

I would have liked it, if the backstory beyond the frog was that Kid Loki turned Thor into a frog and then buried him and that’s why he thinks he killed him when Thor survived but ended up pruned by the TVA just the same.

Once they’re inside the shelter Classic Loki questions Loki.

Classic Loki: So, why did you want to return to the TVA so badly, anyway?

Boastful Loki: You leave your glorious purpose there?

Loki: Something like that.

Can they please, please, please, stop tossing around ‘glorious purpose’? Loki used it only once in a movie and now, all of sudden, it has turn into an intercalation that gets said in all the episodes more than once.

Loki: I am Loki of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose. [Ep 1]

Loki: Glorious purpose. [Ep 1]

Mobius: It's exactly the same thing. Because if you think too hard about where any of us came from, who we truly are, it sounds kinda ridiculous. Existence is chaos. Nothing makes any sense, so we try to make some sense of it. And I'm just lucky that the chaos I emerged into gave me all this... My own glorious purpose. [Ep 2]

Loki: Oh, the mission? The mission? What, your glorious purpose? Give me a break. You can't beat them. [Ep 3]

Boastful Loki: You leave your glorious purpose there? [Ep 5]

Boastful Loki: Glorious purpose! [Ep 5]

Classic Loki: Damn it! Animals, animals! We lie and we cheat, we cut the throat of every person who trusts us, and for what? Power. Glorious power. Glorious purpose! We cannot change. We're broken, every version of us. Forever. [Ep 5]

Classic Loki: Glorious purpose! [Ep 5]

They managed not to mention it only in Ep 4 but to make up for it Ep 5 mentioned it 4 times. Loki used that sentence only once in “The Avengers” no need to have him or someone else close to him to keep repeating it.

There’s something else I dislike about the whole setting, which is that all the Lokis we see have fundamentally given up on the idea of escaping. Or defeating Alioth. The most they want to do is to rule over each other.

Loki in both “Thor” and “The Avengers” was highly intelligent and quick-witted. In this series he’s none of that. At this point it’s clear he’s not the Loki we know in a world we don’t know. Episode 1 and 2 showed him to have some intelligence (like how he stole the time twister or how he figured out Sylvie was hiding in an apocalypse) but everything has gone downhill from then.

It’s sad.

I might say it’s nice now Loki’s ‘glorious purpose’ is clearly helping Sylvie but this doesn’t solve how poorly their love story was built. It just asks me to pretend to forget about how poorly it was built and embrace it.

We switches to the TVA and Renslayer deploys the help of Miss Minute to access to a series of restricted files about the beginning on time and founding of the TVA for… no purpose than stall time really. I mean… if in those files there’s something compromising for the Time-Keepers they clearly wouldn’t let it available to people who could not be on their side. If Renslayer were to be allowed to see it, it’s clear it would mean she’s on their side and not trustworthy.

Plus the whole thing has no relevance whatsoever in the story, it seems an excuse to have Miss Minute there. We learn nothing about the beginning of the time and the foundation of the TVA because Sylvie starts asking about the end of time, the Void in short, where Loki is.

Miss Minute at this point stops searching and shows them a timeline, the sacred timeline I guess, which ends in the Void.

But it’s not solely because Sylvie cares about Loki, no, she asks because she’s SMART, so of course she goes:

Sylvie: What if The Void isn't the end? What if there's something beyond it? Hiding in the shadow of apocalypses obscured me from the TVA because I couldn't create a diverging branch there, right? So if all of this is still being written, whatever happens is just a new timeline. It would be impossible to start a nexus event there. You could be completely undetectable.

Renslayer agrees it has to be the solution, the Time-Keepers has to be there but insists they can’t get past the Void with the Tempad and getting through it (no idea how) would be suicide.

At this point Sylvie comments she doesn’t need Renslayer anymore so Miss Minute mentions a ‘Void spacecraft’. Renslayer catches the ball and say they’ve a prototype of a spaceship designed to withstand the temporal void which could take them to the end of time.

Miss Minute volunteers to search the files which is clearly another way to stall time because what will they do with the files? Start producing it in that room using the blueprints as reference?

They need the prototype, not the files and it’s unbelievable Renslayer wouldn’t know where it is and needs the files.

The girls go on saying:

Sylvie: Find Loki.

Renslayer: Find the man behind the curtain.

Sylvie: And kill him.

Renslayer: Together.

The Time-Keepers were three, an unholy trinity. Why now it’s only one man?

Anyway Renslayer would shake hands on this but Sylvie is SMART so she doesn’t let her go and insists for having the file. Miss Minute and Renslayer try to buy time saying it’s buried pretty deep… which really, it’s an idiocy as pc don’t ‘bury things’. They hide them behind passwords and encryptions but she’s just making a search, not using passwords and decryption programs. Renslayer claims she might not have clearance, which again is dumb.

So Sylvie, who’s SMART suggests the prototype doesn’t exist.

In fact the guards barge into the room and really, I don’t know why they took so long. It’s the TVA, there’s plenty of hunters, what where they waiting for?

As we will likely need Renslayer for more plot related things, Sylvie doesn’t prune her but merely pushes her away, temporally losing her status as SMART girl but hey, she recovers immediately as she steals Renslayer’s Tempad as she pushes her away so she’s back on being SMART.

Sylvie hides behind a balcony. She has the TemPad, she can escape in a damn apocalypse and resume killing Minutemen but she remains there to chat because she knows she’s the heroine and plot protected.

Renslayer tries to get her to surrender with a pretty speech about how tiresome it should be to escape from a fascist government which wants to kill you. Much, much better to surrender to them and not try to survive, right?

Okay, those aren’t her words but you get the gist of it.

Sylvie goes:

Sylvie: I'll admit you had me fooled there for a minute. Or did you get a little real? Did Judge Renslayer really feel betrayed by her beloved TVA?

Now… if Renslayer remains IC (and she might not as Mobius was way too OOC in ep 4 and we’re talking of a character this series created), no, she didn’t feel betrayed. She lives for the TVA.

Mbatha-Raw: “She’s really worked hard to get where she is, so she’s not going to be reckless with the power that has been hard-earned for her. She, in some ways, is deeply indoctrinated with the ways of the TVA. She’s completely conditioned by their thinking and the idea of the Sacred Timeline, and the concept of free will is quite alien to her. She’s a believer. She believes in law and order, and it’s done quite well for her so far in terms of getting her to where she is. She’s not going to abandon her philosophy lightly.” [‘Loki’: Owen Wilson Says Renslayer’s Betrayal of Mobius in Episode 4 Was ‘Pretty Shocking’]

Renslayer didn’t have additional information compared to the ones she had when she decided to remain loyal to the TVA and prune Loki and doesn’t has a concept of free will, hence no, she shouldn’t feel betrayed.

She was a servant and she should remain a servant. But since the series is no big on keeping character IC… who knows?

Renslayer: Why don't you come back out and we can talk about it?

Sylvie: Sure. Just tell everyone else to piss off and we can settle this between us.

Renslayer: Works for me.

Renslayer slips on the dumb slope in this part of the discussion in which nobody just does everything as the hunters remains where they are and the scene seems there to fill time because the hunters will start moving AFTER THIS.

Renslayer continues talking merely for plot purposes.

Renslayer: Tell you what. You come out with your hands up and I'll put you in a time loop. Something not so bad. You can live out your days in a good memory. Do you have any good memories?

Sylvie doesn’t trust her, it’s clear she doesn’t swallow her promises but she has to prompt Sylvie to think to her Only Good Memory which I bet is the one in which she touched Loki one moment before they believed they were about to die and ended up causing the Nexus event.

Because Sylvie is a tragic girl and in the what, centuries she take in growing up considering the Asgardian slow rate of growth and assuming she has Loki’s same age, she never had a single good thing, she didn’t even witness a beautiful sunset or ate a food she liked. Touching Loki was the only good thing she had.

Tissues anyone?

I mean, it’s clear Sylvie is a tragic character and there’s nothing bad in tragic characters but they just overdid things with her. If this keeps up they’ll tell us she had a worse time escaping the TVA than Bucky Barnes when she was brainwashed and forced to work for Hydra.

Now… instead than pruning herself secretly so that the whole TVA might think she escaped, she does so very blatantly. Mind you, the scene is pretty but serves little purpose beyond showing Sylvie’s brave act.

For our SMART girl it was more functional to prune herself secretly so that the TVA would be all busy searching for her.

Whatever, Renslayer declares her dead, forgetting she has a Tempad, HER Tempad, and could return from the Void. But as I said Renslayer is slipping in the dumb slope.

We move to the Lokis group drinking… Roxxiwine, a supposedly exceptional Pinot Noir. This includes Alligator Loki who is poured wine straight in his mouth by Classic Loki.

All this where Boastful Loki is… well, boasting about how he vanquished Captain America and Iron Man and claimed his prize, all six Infinity Stones and I’m “Hey, what about Thanos?”

Because it wasn’t Captain America or Iron Man who were collecting the stones but Thanos. If you’ve to boast, boast about beating the right guy.

But anyway it’s probably all a lie, at least according to Alligator Loki. Boastful Loki counters:

Boastful Loki: At least my nexus event wasn't eating the wrong neighbour's cat.

…and I goes again: “CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN ME WHAT’S UP WITH THE VARIANTS? BECAUSE I GENUINELY HOPE OUR LOKI NEVER TURNED HIMSELF INTO AN ALLIGATOR TO EAT THE RIGHT NEIGHBOUR’S CAT!”

Logic? Hey, logic, where are you?

Alligator Loki decides to turn Boastful Loki into his next dinner. Not a bad move for an Alligator but completely OOC for a Loki as they usually don’t jump at someone’s throat… unless Alligator Loki is actually female?

Besides why Boastful Loki doesn’t get even a little scratch from him biting his hand while President Loki will completely lose his hand?

Classic Loki and our Loki run to stop him and he ends up back in his small swimming pool.

Again, this is fun, this is episode is probably the funnier of the whole series but overall absurd and pointless, more fitting of a “Looney tunes” episode than of the series.

Besides what’s the point for Boastful Loki to feed us a fake story on which he could boast about while they’re in such a situation? It makes him a compulsive liar. As if the show hadn’t depicted Loki poorly enough.

Kid Loki, who remained sitting on the throne drinking juice because no matter if he’s a Loki, minors don’t drink wine in this show, demands to know Classic Loki’s backstory.

I, instead, demand to know what’s going on.

The general impression was that Classic Loki, Boastful Loki, Kid Loki and Alligator Loki were living together by a while but they decide to tell everyone their stories ONLY NOW for the benefit of Loki and, more important, of the viewers?

Whatever.

Classic Loki, despite supposedly being a Narcissist like all the Loki goes and say:

Classic Loki: Me? Nobody wants to hear about that.

Loki points out he’s actually interested in knowing since he was aware he was supposed to be killed by Thanos.

So, to explain the survival of Classic Loki, the “Loki” series goes and tosses a COMPLETELY VALID AND RIGHTFUL JAB AT “AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR” whose creators said they planned Loki’s death as their first scene and actually made an illogic mess of those 10 minutes which contain more nonsense than the rest of the MCU movies put together…

Classic Loki: Thanos? In my timeline, everything proceeded correctly, my entire life, until Thanos attacked our ship.

Loki: So, you didn't try to stab him?

Classic Loki: ( Chuckles ) Certainly not. Take no offense, my friends, but blades are worthless in the face of a Loki sorcery. They stunt our magical potential.

Boastful Loki: But they look awesome.

Classic Loki: Oh, yes. Especially when they clatter to the ground just before your neck is snapped.

…to end up in colossal disappointment (never mentioning the one Loki who praises blades as awesome is the one who doesn’t use a blade but a hammer. Copying Thor much?).

I appreciate the praising to Loki’s magic but Loki can’t cast solid projections of himself (and this series so far hadn’t bothered to explain why Loki got an upgrade in his magic power which he has hardly used in the other movies). Not even this Loki in fact can make solid projections, as we’ll see the Asgard he’ll project later on is just an incorporeal illusion. It would be different if he’d used a real person but the idea is even more horrible. Anyway, for the sake of tricking Thanos, Loki suddenly can do something he couldn’t do before, which of course will end up being interpreted as being what he also did in “Thor: The Dark World” too when he faked his death. And then what?

Classic Loki: Then hid as inanimate debris. After I faked my death, I simply drifted in space. Away from Thor, away from everything. Thought about the universe and my place in it, and it occurred to me that everywhere I went, only pain followed. So I removed myself from the equation, landed on a remote planet and stayed there in isolation, in solitude for a long, long time.

Then he basically dumped Thor and the other Asgardians who survived and remained on a remote planet in isolation. I mean, it would have worked just the same if he had said ‘I drifted in space, ended on a remote planet and couldn’t leave because there were no spaceships or anything else’ but no, he has to decide to dump everything.

Why?

Because everywhere he went, only pain followed. Yeah, from when he set foot on Asgard, Asgard lived 1000 years of pain. And when he came to Midgard it wasn’t because he decided to attack it that the Midgardians suffered but because he set foot on it.

Had he come there as a tourist, the Chitauri would have invaded JUST THE SAME but solely because he was there. If he’d gone in another place Thanos would have never tried retrieving the Tesseract from Earth.

And the 4 years in which he again ruled Asgard… yeah, all the Asgardians were miserable, weren’t they? It’s actually funny Hela managed to arrive on Asgard when Loki isn’t there, isn’t it? And Loki is the one who brought a spaceship big enough for the Asgardians to escape, and Loki stopped Hela by resurrecting Surtur but no, everywhere he goes he brings pain so the Asgardians would have been happier dying in Asgard.

It wasn’t Thanos’ fault at all if he killed so many Asgardians, he did so only because Loki was there otherwise Thanos doesn’t kill people, no, not him.

Logic, where are you?

And so how the TVA captured him.

And of course, it turns out he somehow knows Thor survived the mad Titan but decides he misses him and wants to see him only when he’s grey and old and so, when he attempts to leave, this sets the TVA on him. They could have said finally someone dropped on his planet and offered him to leave, but no, he always could, he just decided not to.

Mind you it’s sweet he said:

Classic Loki: I got lonely. To tell you the truth, I missed my brother, and I wondered if he missed me, if anybody else did.

But the premise is bad and the conclusion is horrible.

Classic Loki: Because we, my friends, have but one part to play, the God of Outcasts. Nothing more. The God of Outcasts.

Basically Classic Loki’s point is that they’ve to stay isolated, away from people, cut out from the world, there in the Void.

This is how Loki came to call himself ‘God of the Outcasts’ in the comics

“I am Loki. God of outcasts. They see themselves in me, and I in them. All of us, alone together. It’s why my stories always end with someone trying to put me in a box. And begin with my spectacular escape.” [Loki (2019) #5]

It’s the opposite to surrendering in being kept boxed into a corner. And it’s the opposite of seeing the Lokis as an entity apart from the rest of the living things.

This series has so many Lokis… who’re just the same yet neither of them is said to be the same as any other human. They don’t belong except than among them and even then they can enter into conflict. They can’t fall in love except than with themselves and even then they need a special Loki female to fall in love.

It’s Sylvie that points out the TVA workers are Variants like they are, but, even in this case, there won’t be camaraderie between the Lokis and the TVA workers.

Anyway after hearing all of this our Loki decides that no, he’s not going to play the part of the God of the outcast but he’s leaving, going back to the TVA. Since they’re as good at escaping (something this series has established) as at surviving he thinks he can escape and survive and if he’ll die instead, like Boastful Loki says, well, that was his destiny to begin with.

It would be a nice speech if it came from him. Too bad it came from his love for Sylvie because she got the Mary Sue power to turn him into a new man with her love. And so, since the other Lokis didn’t benefit from having the chance to love Sylvie, they can’t be like him, but that’s their only difference. Because love is saving the world.

Kid Loki: You're different. Why?

Loki: No, I'm not, you see? I'm the same, really. I'm the same as all of you. Have any of you met a woman Variant of us?

Classic Loki: Sounds terrifying.

Loki: Oh, she is. But that's kind of what's great about her. She's different. She's not trying to take over the TVA, she's trying to take it down. And she needs me.

Don’t take me wrong, I’m sure love plays a huge part in saving the world but in this way it feels just as cheesy and childish as it could be. Besides Loki’s plan is against dumb because all his brain went to Sylvie.

Loki: Now, you said Alioth is what keeps us here. You said it's a living thing. You said it's a shark. Well, if it lives, it dies. So I'm gonna kill the shark. I'm gonna kill Alioth, and I could use all the help I can get.

Okay, to be honest this is not a plan, this is a goal. Killing Alioth is a goal but a plan requires studying a way to how to do it and he hadn’t, isn’t doing and won’t do it. So no plan.

Anyway the Lokis laugh either because they have surrendered and believe Alioth can’t be killed or because the idea someone were to ask help to them is absurd because they’re backstabbing, evil guys. I don’t know which one is more depressing.

But whatever, the discussion isn’t even done well.

I mean, this series wrote down Loki is fluid but when Loki suggests they might have met a woman Loki the other finds it ‘sounds terrifying’ which I don’t know if it’s more stupid or misogynist. And Loki agrees but then launches in a rant on how, because Sylvie is a woman, she’s different and so perfect. Because being a woman is a character trait that makes you better.

Loki: Oh, she is. But that's kind of what's great about her. She's different. She's not trying to take over the TVA, she's trying to take it down.

This is not validation! This is dumb. A woman is a damn human being who can be awesome or horrible because her sex and/or her gender do not decide which sort of person she is!

If the idea is that Loki is bad because he’s a man that’s just dumb and if the idea is that Sylvie is great because she’s a female this is not only dumb, it invalidates all Sylvie has done to be the way she is… which is not great because she’s actually moved by wish of revenge, not by some sort of humanitarian purpose.

At this point Killmongrel was more noble than her as he at least cared about those he viewed as his brothers.

Sylvie just wanted to erase the TVA… and now she wants to save Loki because she fell for him.

Should I also mention how Loki the silver tongue, can’t even persuade a kid to eat a candy in this show?

Loki leaves commenting they’re ‘monsters’ which is kind of a big word for guys who don’t want to follow you because you are going against a REAL GIANT MONSTER that could kill them and don’t have a plan.

What about Thanos then? What about the TVA who pruned countless lives? How do you call them?

When Loki is about to leave however he meets a Loki who, for once, looks EXACTLY like him, President Loki, who had gotten there with tons of other male Loki who couldn’t look more different.

Again, the exchange is funny…

President Loki: Ah. Hello, which one of us are you?

Loki: This is a nightmare.

…but the joke is more a “Looney tunes” nonsense, albeit, for once, a little better planned.

But I’ll return on this in a minute because the story switches to Sylvie, the heroine who wakes up in a vehicle. Evidently she was dropped there because the roof above her is broken so she likely fell into the vehicle more than magically woke there.

And, please, prepare yourself, we’re about to start a list of new plot contrivances.

COINCIDENTALLY, although that vehicle was clearly abandoned there by only God know how long, Alioth decides to eat it just now, but COINCIDENTALLY, Sylvie has just came out of it in time so as not to be eaten. Alioth begins to give her chase, so she tries to enchant one of his… tendrils? Pseudopods? So she COINCIDENTALLY see in his memories not his last dinner but where the Time-Keepers are.

COINCIDENTALLY, despite Alioth being very fast, she manages to distance herself from him and hold that distance until COINCIDENTALLY a car which is COINCIDENTALLY working as it’s not damaged and has fuel (Sylvie’s vehicle was unlikely to move considering it seemed to have been forgotten there by a lifetime) appear which is COINCIDENTALLY driven by Mobius who has COINCIDENTALLY not only seen Alioth but not turned away from him immediately and fast as he could and had COINCIDENTALLY noticed she was there too despite the fact she was pretty distant.

COINCIDENTALLY, despite Alioth’s speed, Sylvie manages to outrun him in time for her to reach Mobius’ car. Should I mention Mobius COINCIDENTALLY knows how to drive that kind of car though as a TVA analyst he shouldn’t need it? No, maybe I’m being too nitpicking.

So Alioth, who first was COINCIDENTALLY slow enough Sylvie could outrun him otherwise she would end up being eaten, now COINCIDENTALLY speeds up and tails Mobius’ car up close otherwise the chase would be boring.

Meanwhile, as they drive, Mobius and Sylvie scold each other, each of them sure he’s more competent than the other. We see them pass by the pyramids and the Sphinx and then the scene changes.

We’re back in the Lokis’ hideout but now President Loki and his men has taken control of it.

Classic Loki scolds Loki for leading ‘the wolves’ there. President Loki claims they prefer to be called snakes.

Kid Loki has a nice moment in which he says:

Kid Loki: I've eaten both. They die just the same.

I wish they had developed him more. Is he meant to be a murderous dangerous psycho or he’s also acting so as not to look weak? Sadly though, like all the Loki Variants except Classic Loki, he’s just tossed there to make number and confusion.

Anyway, as I was saying, President Loki being there is not a coincidence nor our Loki’s fault. It turns out Boastful Loki betrayed Kid Loki.

Why? Because he’s a backstabbing idiot with poor planning issues which is how we’re supposed to see all the Lokis. Not intelligent beings and with quick-wits who use their brains to beat enemies stronger than they are but backstabbing idiots with poor planning issues.

Anyway Boastful Loki gave to President Loki the location of Kid Loki’s hideout so, in exchange for shelter and supplies, President Loki would give his his army and he would take the throne.

Not even a kid would believe someone would honour such a dumb agreement and in fact President Loki doesn’t plan to honour it because he plans to take everything for himself

President Loki: Ah, yes. Not so good a bargain. How about this one? My army, my throne?

So of course his army of backstabbing idiot Lokis with poor planning issues decide to start arguing among each other on who has to get the throne.

I’ll be honest, if this was a “Looney tunes” cartoon I would find it hilarious. As they’re trying to tell me all those are Lokis who are ‘more successful than our Loki’ I just facepalm.

He's the Loki that was supposed to stay on the timeline. All those Lokis who had all those successes were Lokis who got pruned by the TVA. As Mobius says, ‘It's your job to lose so others can become the best versions of themselves.’ That's the part Loki is meant to play on the Sacred Timeline. The question is: can you change? [Why Other Lokis Are Much More Successful Than Hiddleston's]

Our Loki successfully interrupted the coronation, successfully killed Laufey and would have successfully destroyed Jotunheim hadn’t he been interrupted. He successfully stole the Tesseract from a S.H.I.E.L.D. facility, successfully hypnotizing Selvig and Hawkeye and he successfully distracted the Avengers while Hawkeyes did what he had to do. Successfully let himself be arrested so as to arrive where Hulk was and successfully set him loose while also successfully escaping from his prison then successfully managed to open the passage that lead the Chitauri on New York.

Yes, he wasn’t successful in that battle and it was a big deal but I’ll say he accomplished plenty of things.

Which sort of success the other Lokis had? I honestly missed it.

Alligator Loki has enough and moves closer.

Now again, the following scene is very fun for a ‘looney tunes’…

President Loki: Why the hell is there an alligator in here?

Classic Loki, Kid Loki, Boastful Loki: He's a Loki!

…with Alligator Loki managing this time to eat President Loki’s whole arm when before he couldn’t even scratch Boastful Loki’s hand but… it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Chaos ensues as all the Lokis start fighting among them and I wonder if we’ll see Yosemite Sam and Marvin the Martian join the fight along with Taz.

It’s clear that the whole thing is meant to be solely humorous, when President Loki loses his hand and then starts screaming like a banshee, apart from an initial spray of blood he doesn’t lose blood at all.

You aren’t meant to take seriously the loss of his hand, you might even expect they’ll glue it back to him later on.

It’s not terrible humour, it’s something one can definitely enjoy… but it’s so out of place in a story that supposedly has serious themes and instead decides to just spend half of the episode in a comedy that’s more fitting of ‘Who framed Roger Rabbit?’ with Loki leaving the place by escaping in such a manner I can’t even begin to describe… as if he’s tiptoeing around the other Lokis in hope they won’t notice him… and they don’t.

He fundamentally does nothing useful, the one acting is mostly Classic Loki who uses his magic, Kid Loki who handles Alligator Loki and Alligator Loki who beat or maybe I should say bite some Lokis… but the weirdest thing is that Loki, Kid Loki, Alligator Loki and Classic Loki wander through the place for a bit then Classic Loki opens a magic portal that lead to the outside and they leave the place… with our Loki a bit wary to go through it which makes me wonder, is it a power only Classic Loki has?

Did Classic Loki spent all those years after Thanos improving his magic? Or was he a better wizard from the start?

Anyway Classic Loki, Kid Loki, Alligator Loki and Loki leave together because somehow they’re a squad who doesn’t want to betray each other despite being Lokis… but Classic Loki and Kid Loki rants against Lokis in general.

Kid Loki: And whenever one of us dares try to fix themselves, they're sent here to die.

Now I appreciate Kid Loki saying so but if he was sent there to die it was not because he was trying to fix himself but because he killed Thor, right? Or this was a lie?

At this point I don’t know anymore.

Loki claims he wants to get out of there and stop the TVA so things can change. And no, I don’t agree.

They could change also remaining there.

Enough with this determinism and the idea the TVA control everything.

Those Lokis didn’t want to change that’s why they didn’t. It had nothing to do with the TVA and everything with themselves.

What’s more, Loki probably doesn’t know it but he wasn’t always a complete jerk in the sacred timeline. He saved his brother from the Kurse. He came back to save the Asgardians against Hela.

It’s not the TVA who decided he has to be a backstabbing idiot with poor planning issues, in Doylist terms it’s this series which basically erased whatever didn’t agree with this definition from his story, in Watsonian, it was his own mess.

The TVA doesn’t care what they do there, they could fix themselves if they want to.

But whatever, the “Looney tunes” moment is finished.

So we have…

Loki: That's why I need to get out of here. Nothing can change until the TVA is stopped.

Classic Loki: And you trust her?

And okay, I take Classic Loki means Sylvie, but this basically means that they’re thinking only Sylvie can stop the TVA because she’s magical like that and Loki, at the very best, can just help her.

So much for a change. And in fact…

Loki: She's the only one I do trust. And right now, I believe she's our only chance of stopping the TVA.

Kid Loki: That's good enough for me.

Classic Loki: Okay, okay. We'll help you. But approaching Alioth is a death sentence. We'll get you to it, but that's as far as we go.

So yeah, Sylvie is the Lokis’ only hope, their saviour, they aren’t meant to change themselves just to entrust themselves to her. Welcome to the new cult, the Sylvie cult.

And now come the worst part.

Of course CASUALLY Sylvie and Mobius managed to offscreen escape Alioth even though the last we left them Sylvie was complaining he was driving toward it.

Mobius whines:

Mobius: All that time, I really believed we were the good guys.

Even now, he’s not really shown feeling horrible for all the people he has reset and sent there to be eaten by Alioth. He’s more worried he discovered he wasn’t one of the heroes. Is he meant to be a Loki? Or something worse? Please, let me know.

Sylvie, because she’s the only one who gets to call things by their names, point out at the idiocy of his beliefs.

Sylvie: Annihilating entire realities, orphaning little girls, classic hero stuff.

Classic hero stuffs indeed but if you believe that the TVA is real because the TVA is real you can believe in everything. Instead than just apologizing for orphaning her and annihilating her reality Mobius goes and tries to explain her how he actually wasn’t in the wrong and she too… she too was very bad…

Mobius: Well, I guess when you think the ends justify the means, there's not much you won't do. By the way, you did some annihilating too.

Sylvie doesn’t take any of his idiocies but he again tries to compare his situation to her.

Sylvie: I did what I had to do.

Mobius: Yeah, so did I.

No, you didn’t Mobius. You chose to turn your eyes away from the truth, you chose to believe because being a hero gave you a purpose.

Mobius: Odin, God of the Heavens. Asgard, mystical realm, beyond the stars. Frost Giants. Listen to yourself...

Loki: It's not the same. It's completely different. No. It's not the same.

You first compared your little cult’s beliefs to what Loki lived through his life then told him the situation didn’t make sense but you didn’t care because it gave you a glorious purpose and that the TVA was real solely because you WILLINGLY believed in it. And now you’re telling Sylvie, the poor girl the TVA kidnapped, orphaned and tried to kill with your willing help that you choosing to willingly reset Variants and her fighting to survive are the same thing.

Sylvie: You hunted me like a dog.

Mobius: I'm sorry about that.

Of course, since it’s Sylvie that points it out, at this point he apologizes TO HER. What are you sorry for, Mobius? Just hunting her? What about the rest? And what about the other Variants, Mobius? The ones who didn’t manage to escape? What about your supposed friend, Loki that you had beaten and belittled so you could get information out of him to protect your precious TVA and at whom you reused to believe even when he was telling you the truth?

But honestly, I shouldn’t take it out of Mobius. He’s like Jessica Rabbit. ‘He’s not bad. He’s just drawn that way’. Because this series doesn’t really want to talk about what the TVA did to the other Variants and whatever happens to Loki doesn’t matter because ‘he deserves it’ so why should Mobius or anyone at the TVA feel sorry?

Anyway, after Mobius apologizes to her Sylvie has a moment of vulnerability in which she confesses she pruned herself to find Loki but now she believed the storm ate him already. Because obviously Loki is dumb and incompetent so better not get her hopes up. Okays, she didn’t say so and I get her discomfort but… but nothing, Sylvie goes back to her mission and who cares about Loki while Mobius, who previously harshly criticized Loki’s ‘demented crush for his female self’ now is all supportive.

Mobius: You really believe that?

Sylvie: It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is getting out of here and finding out who's behind all of this.

Sylvie of course has a plan because she’s SMART. Sylvie decides they’ll go back to the angry cloud which she previous told Mobius to escape from because she thinks the cloud can be the answer. And since Sylvie is SMART, even though she hadn’t given him a plan and she’s really not persuasive Mobius complies because everyone in Sylvie’s squad does what Sylvie says as she rolled a 12 in persuasion so, whatever.

Back to Loki and his group, Classid Loki asks Loki if he has a plan. He does.

Loki: Get inside, find its heart or brain or whatever, and then, you know, do it in.

Please, don’t tell me this is the guy who manipulated Laufey into trusting him and coming to Asgard or that could keep up a discussion with Fury. This is not a plan this is ‘Loki smash!’ only it works better when Hulk does it. A kid could do better in fact Kid Loki notices it’s dumb and Loki gets defensive.

Loki: Just because it's not complicated doesn't mean it's bad.

Kid Loki: It also doesn't mean it's good.

Okay the “Looney tunes” fun is still on and it continues being on.

Alligator Loki: ( Growls )

Loki: See? He's on board.

Classic Loki: He's praying. He thinks we're going to die.

Because this is fun but so very OOC and out of place I just want to take this episode and put it in another series. I would enjoy it more if it were in another series.

By the way, why Classic Loki understand Alligator Loki and no one else does.

A ship populated with people appear, likely because the TVA reset the reality. Where’s the sea and the rest of that reality? Who knows and who cares? Alioth of course notices the ship and now Loki says something intelligent:

Loki: Alioth is like any animal. He'll go after the big meal first. And while he's busy with that, we can sneak around the back and...

The people on the ship tries to fight and is swallowed in less than a minute. It should be a tragic moment in which all the people on the ship died. It left me empty. Hum… this part just feel flat. Probably because they want to continue with the “Looney tunes” theme by having Loki realize his idea of sneak behind Alioth being dumb because it’s impossible as Alioth is just too fast and dangerous.

Loki: ( Panting ) Okay. Maybe we, uh... think a bit more about this, huh?

Now… COINCIDENTALLY a car arrives and at Loki who worries if it’s bad this is told because “Looney tunes” mood.

Kid Loki: Well, usually means cannibalistic marauders or cannibalistic pirates.

Loki: Delightful. Now they're slowing down.

But no, it’s not cannibalistic marauders or cannibalistic pirates, COINCIDENTALLY it’s just Sylvie and Mobius. COINCIDENTALLY the car stops away from them but COINCIDENTALLY Loki recognizes Sylvie just the same so he can run to her while Classic Loki who evidently hadn’t hear him recognizing Sylvie can continue with the “Looney tunes” moments.

Classic Loki: I don't understand. Is he a coward or was he being brave?

Kid Loki: I'm not too sure.

They decide to follow him anyway. Are they coward, brave or fool?

Loki ends running to Sylvie and she greets him with a ‘ You're alive’ which honestly doesn’t even feel as if she were surprised or happy. Loki is a lot more emotional about seeing her and Mobius. Okay, Mobius seems happy to see him too even though he says nothing.

“Looney tunes” mood continues as she tells him

Sylvie: We thought you could do with some backup.

And he puts his hands on his hips and frowns at her but then she notices Classic Loki and Kid Loki and she neither wonders why they’re dressed so oddly nor recognize them as Loki but considers attacking them until Loki, still in “Looney tunes” mood, introduces them.

Loki: Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, these are my friends. Well, they're, um... How best to put this? Us as a child, us in the future, and us as an alligator. It's best not to question it.

Mobius: You throw a rock out here, you hit a Loki.

Again, hilarious, just not fitting the situation.

Sylvie decides them being there means they’re not there by chance but after the giant cloud monster. Loki confirms they’re there to kill Alioth which she finds a dumb plan because of course all Loki’s plans are dumb and he should just follow Sylvie’s as she has years of experience with Alioth and… no, nevermind she doesn’t but she has read the script and she knows she is the only Loki with a power that’s useful against it. Because Mary Sue. Or heroine. Whatever.

Loki: Well, we haven't decided how we're going to kill it, but...

Sylvie: Come again? Kill it?

Loki: Yes, we're gonna kill Alioth.

Sylvie: Oh, my God. That was your plan.

Loki: Yeah.

Sylvie: And you went along with it?

Kid Loki: I had my doubts.

Classic Loki: Probably unsafe.

So Sylvie gets to expose her plan. She thinks, without any proof whatsoever, that the person they’re after is beyond The Void at the end of time and Alioth is their guard dog protecting the only way in.

Sure, she had a vision when she tried to enchant Alioth but I saw nowhere on that building a sign seeing ‘residence of the time-keeper’. It might very well be the last thing Alioth ate or Alioth and the Time-Keeper might be unrelated. The Time-Keeper might hide in a timeline parallel to the sacred one. Or at the beginning of time. Or he could be Casey in disguise. Or the cat the guy who had Loki sign all he said had. Or he can be Alligator Loki for all we know. But of course, since this is Sylvie’s theory, this is a theory, not a plan, everyone accepts it.

And this is Sylvie’s plan which is her alternate solution to ‘I’ll hit it with my sword’

Sylvie: I'm gonna enchant it.

Which is also insane because really, the last time it worked so well. Loki points it out but of course Sylvie claims his plan was dumber and anyway she’s gonna enchant it, we’re not in a democracy and she’s the Mary Sue, I mean the heroine end of the discussion. And since she’s the Mary Sue, I mean the heroine, everyone agrees with her because she’s a female Loki and female Lokis are special like that. Especially when there’s only one female Loki in all the times.

Sylvie: I'm gonna enchant it.

Loki: ( Laughing ) That's insane, right?

Sylvie: As insane as what? Paper-cutting a cloud to death?

Loki: Listen, I've been down here longer than you...

Sylvie: I'm going to enchant it.

Mobius: She's pretty confident.

Besides, I mean, if Sylvie finds Loki so dumb… why is she falling for him? Why I’m asking? Because she’s the Mary Sue who falls for the character the fandom adoures and manages to do what no one ever could do, make him fall for her and make him a better person.

It’s amazing how Mobius agrees because she’s pretty confident it took Loki, his friend, a lot to persuade him that the Variant could hide in the apocalypse. Ah, the power of a Mary Sue. I’m waiting for her to start singing.

Whatever, back to Renslayer we go.

She enters in a GIANT sized room, chases away the two hunters guarding it, goes to a wall and uses the Tempad to open a door. Behind it we can see Hunter B-15, that Sylvie evidently forgot in the room of the Time-Keeper when she moved in the trial room because who care about her.

Hunter B-15 would like to know why she’s there. I’d like to know why she wasn’t pruned too.

Renslayer accuses her of freeing the Variant and being disloyal to the TVA. Variant, singular, if I didn’t hear wrong. She actually freed the VariantS plural. Unless two Lokis count as one because always Loki. While Renslayer is trying intimidation techniques asking her if she thinks she could escape punishment B-15 wants to know to who she was disloyal as she too saw Time-Keepers weren't real.

Renslayer asks her why should this change anything and, for once, I agree with her. If the Time-Keepers put there puppets as a safety measure this doesn’t change anything and it’s not even the point.

The problem wasn’t if the Time-Keepers were in that room for Sylvie to kill them, it was that the Time-Keepers lied to the TVA employers, telling them they had created them when they were kidnapped Variants who were being used to kill other poor Variants who never did anything wrong. No, scratch the last part, B-15 never cared about the Variants she killed, she only had problems with the fact she was happy before.

Anyway B-15 wants the others to know the truth but didn’t think to hack a transmitter when she could and warn everyone, no, she was just assisting Sylvie to kill the Time-keepers. Out of revenge for lying to her I assume.

Renslayer says the TVA only needs stability, in short who cares if they were lied to, they’ll keep on serving it, so B-15 has to cooperate with her and tell her what drives Sylvie and B-15… has a link to her. Which means Renslayer is sure Sylvie will come back.

And I facepalm.

A link? They talked few minutes and Sylvie could have lied or not exposed herself but anyway… wasn’t what drove her obvious enough one could pick it up without even having to ask.

B-15, who was so good to play bully with poor Variants, obeys and answer Sylvie is OBVIOUSLY driven by revenge… how could Renslayer miss it, did she also have to tell her “My name is Sylvie Laufeydottir. You killed my timeline. Prepare to die"?

Anyway B-15 decides since the Time-Keepers turned out to be fake Sylvie will search for who’ll being this. And okay, Sylvie has fully turned into the heroine of this story. Loki is a recurring character, a very present character but when all is said and done he’s just supporting cast.

Sylvie is the heroine and even this chat supports it.

Hunter B-15: This isn't about protecting the TVA at all, is it? You just want to find whoever is behind all of this, too. You'll never find them. Not before she does.

Renslayer: And why is that?

Hunter B-15: You only want it. She needs it.

B-15 who belittled so much the other Variants clearly looks up on Sylvie, she has blind faith in her and Renslayer’s situation amuses her a lot and if B-15 hadn’t been the one finding amusement in belittling Variants I might share in her fun but like this it feels as if they’re reminding me she’s one who enjoys belittling and humiliating others.

And Renslayer isn’t worried Loki could do something to cause troubles either. It’s all Sylvie. Sylvie will win because that’s what heroines do.

Now it’ll be interesting if it turned out Sylvie is actually truly evil while Loki has ultimately decided to become truly good but I bet the last episode will instead reveal the one who’s truly evil is a male Loki Variant, one that Sylvie will have to either kill, punish or redeem.

Whatever, for now the story only seems interested in pinning Renslayer as evil.

Renslayer leaves B-15 and tell Miss Minute to find her the files on the founding of the TVA. Everything from the beginning of time. You know, the one she wanted to find at the beginning. So… did she really want them, it wasn’t just to stall time?

She excuses her request by claiming:

Renslayer: Whoever created this place is in danger. I need to find them.

Miss Minute agrees to comply.

Now… if Miss Minute doesn’t turn out to have a bigger role in the last episode, I don’t know she’s a spy, she’s the big bad, she’s Tony Stark in disguise, anything, I think they could have cut her. She’s basically the Clippy of the TVA and there’s a reason if Clippy, despite being cute was discontinued as intelligent user interface.

Her existence makes me think they’re trying to market Loki as a child friendly, which explains the low level of drama, Kid Loki being the ruler of the place and not being really mistreated when all the Lokis wanted his place as well as surviving and being the one strong enough to kill Thor, the “Looney tunes” humour. And if this is a kid show it explains also why potentially serious themes aren’t really tackled differently from “WandaVision” and “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier”.

Back into the Void, or better back into the “Looney tunes” cartoon Classic Loki and Kid Loki are talking with Mobius about Alligator Loki which makes for another funny yet absurd and OOC scene.

Mobius: I mean, the TVA arrested a lot of Lokis, but, no, I don't remember an alligator. I mean, who's to say he's even a Loki Variant?

Classic Loki: He is green, isn't he?

Mobius: I don't know, he could be lying. The long con. Of course, that just makes him more likely to be a Loki. It's always the game within the game with you guys, which I respect.

No, actually he doesn’t. He didn’t respect when Loki lied to him, he insulted him. But somehow episode 5 decided since Mobius saved Sylvie he’s 100% back among the good guys.

Anyway I wish there a story behind Alligator Loki and we were told it and that he wasn’t just reduced to play the part of Kid Loki’s pet and a role similar to the crocodile in “Peter Pan”, with President Loki becoming the future Captain Hook.

Kid Loki asks Mobius what he’ll do assuming he’ll get back to the TVA, which he of course can do as Sylvie has a Tempad and can open a Timedoor.

Mobius: I don't know. I'd like to let people know the truth.

Oh, the truth, yeah it’s the people at the TVA who need the truth, not the poor Variants in that Void who need to be saved, the Variants the TVA wants to be pruned who need to be saved. Let’s save the poor TVA workers from ignorance so they can decide if to willingly follow the TVA like Renslayer is doing or not.

Yeah, I get by knowing the truth some of them might be willing to stop what they’re doing but what if they don’t, like Renslayer?

You wanted to be a hero, Mobius, what’s the problem now, saving people instead than murdering them is too hard?

So they goes to discuss the theme of change:

Classic Loki: So just like that, you're turning on the very thing you devoted your life to.

Mobius: Well, it's never too late to change.

This story makes a big deal of the theme of changing but the reasons why one should change aren’t so great. Mobius wants to change because he was lied at, Loki because he fell in love. Meaning if Mobius had really been created by the Time-Keepers he would have happily continued to kill Variants because it wasn’t his problem and if Loki hadn’t fallen in love with the only special unique female Loki he would have never changed.

That’s not a great way to deal with the theme of change.

Back to Loki and Sylvie, who’re sitting in the grass alone together, Sylvie has turned into a Mobius fangirl who exists to make us forget whatever wrong Mobius might have done giving him her seal of approval.

Sylvie: Mobius isn't so bad.

Loki: Or so good. I think that's why we get along.

Sylvie: He cares about you.

So wait, you barely know him and he has felt more hurt he wasn’t a hero as he hoped than for all the Variant he killed, had tried to compare his murders and his situation to yours but, when pressured he said he was sorry he hunted you like a dog. Also implied he wasn’t sure Loki died. Whatever else which might have happened went offscreen. Forgive me if I’m not won over by the little I saw in this episode, especially after episode 4. I really needed more than that.

But who cares, Loki doesn’t care Mobius isn’t so good, he gets along with him even when the latter threatens to kill him and have Sif repeatedly kick him in the groin. Stockholm syndrome or masochism?

Now, COINCIDENTALLY, it’s cold so Loki conjure up a cover for himself and volunteer to do the same for Sylvie. Those, of course, weren’t in his pocket so why the Tempad in ep 3 ended there?

Sylvie would like a new outfit, because her own is uncomfortable. Why she didn’t get her a comfortable outfit instead than that is beyond me. It’s not like she’s forced to wear a TVA uniform, those are clothes she picked up. Where I don’t know but whatever.

By the way, it’s a lifetime Loki has the signs of a wound on his arm which he got when they were fighting in the Time-Keepers’room… but the blood must be solely decorative because no one, not even Loki, cares.

They’re kind of cute when they talk about their Nexus event and go into full denial mode. If only I could forget their romance was SO VERY FORCED and tied to narcissism I might enjoy it… though I still think it would have been better if they had made them friends. But Sylvie wouldn’t be a good Mary Sue if it didn’t get to have the male protagonist.

The dialogue focuses on Sylvie’s drama.

Sylvie: I don't know how to do this.

Loki: I don't even know what we're doing.

Sylvie: I don't have friends. I don't have... anyone.

Now, I don’t want to belittle Sylvie’s drama, they clearly had built for her an overly tragic life because what’s a Mary Sue without a tragic past, but maybe of us got into this show for Loki’s drama, hoping it to be discussed if not solved and we got nothing, nothing at all. Loki won’t talk with her of what pushed him to commit suicide. It would be a good point of discussion, telling her there had been a time in his life in which he also felt he had no one, or that prior to Mobius who has somehow been elevated to the level of friend, he had no one because no, Sif and the Warriors Three clearly were Thor’s friends, not his own, but no, it doesn’t matter.

Loki and Sylvie are supposedly in love and all she knows about him is about his mom and how she taught him to do magic. And all he knows about her is she barely remember Asgard and was forced to live on the run.

It’s not bad just for Loki, it’s bad as a portrayal of a love story between two people because they don’t know each other and don’t try to do so, they don’t share anything of their lives, they don’t even have things in common beyond being Loki… which Sylvie rejected for reasons we don’t know as she’s now Sylvie.

Anyway Loki tries to cheer her up by… telling her there were more important things to do?

Loki: Well... there are more important things, right?

Sylvie: Right? Yeah. Like bringing down the TVA.

Loki: I mean… Saving the universe, even.

Sylvie: Well, there's no need to be dramatic, but, yeah, kind of.

Sylvie couldn’t care less about saving the universe, it was all about revenge and no, bringing down the TVA isn’t more important than having people who love and support you around you. This is dumb hero moral.

Loki uses his magic to put the cover he’s wearing around his shoulders around Sylvie as well… which likely means he has also stretched the cover. She moves closer to him and they had that sort of stupid happy face I love in love stories so it would be really, really good if they had built better their own instead than tossing it to us at random.

I mean, this is very cute, and I don’t know if it’s Loki who’s laughing or Tom Hiddleston who find it funny.

Sylvie: It's not very snuggly.

Loki: ( Chuckling ) Okay.

Sylvie: Is it a tablecloth?

Loki: No, it's a blanket.

Sylvie: Thank you.

Loki: My pleasure.

And I like how Sylvie says thank you in a serious tone as if all this was important for her. But the romance remains still out of nowhere even if this is the episode which handles it better.

Then they ruin everything with this.

Sylvie: How do I know that, in the final moments, you won't betray me?

Loki: Listen, Sylvie, I... ( Sighs deeply ) I betrayed everyone who ever loved me. I betrayed my father, my brother... my home. I know what I did. And I know why I did it. And that's not who I am anymore. Okay? I won't let you down.

Same way Loki knows you won’t betray him. Either you trust someone or don’t there’s no guaranty but this whole chat is not in order to reassure Sylvie but to tell the readers Loki has been changed by love without really discussing the issues that pushed Loki to betray people. The fact he was lied to, the fact his father favoured Thor and made him feel inferior, the whole racist system Asgard had for the Jotuns, the fact Thor used to look down on him and was so arrogant and bloodthirsty Odin kicked him out of Asgard… we don’t talk about all those issues. I’m not even going to mention what might have happened with Thanos because Joss Whedon isn’t working anymore with Marvel and I start to think whatever plan he had for Loki and Thanos got scrapped away long ago… and anyway Loki doesn’t speak about what happened on Midgard… unless we’re meant to believe what happened to Midgard was him betraying his father, his brother, his home and we aren’t talking about what happened in “Thor”…

Whatever, anyway we aren’t talking about it. Loki is a new man, love solved all his issues.

We should just enrol criminals in professional matchmaking programs to find love for them too and they too would come out as different people.

The next bit is, of course, to tell us Loki has given up on his wish to rule, again because love made him happy.

Sylvie: You sure? 'Cause if we make it, and the TVA is gone, there might be a timeline for you to rule.

Loki: Ah. And then I'd finally be happy.

Sylvie instead admits she has no idea what she’ll do after she’ll get her revenge.

Well, dear, you never tried world domination, do you? But no, Loki tells her he doesn’t know what he’ll do either so they could figure out together. Because love saves the day.

And it does but I wish it was less cheesy.

The romance moment end.

We see the weird birds with no purpose beyond being weird birds and then Alioth moving closer. Everyone watches it fearfully.

Since Sylvie, being a Mary Sue, has been elected as leader she’s the one who answers Mobius when he asks which should be their next move.

Sylvie: The TVA needs to be brought down. We don't know who created it or where they are, but that thing out there does. When it hit me earlier, I linked to it. It was brief, but I caught a glimpse of something, and I think if I can get close enough to it, I can enchant it, and it's gonna take me to whoever's behind all of this.

Or, alternatively, he can swallow up you whole but whatever, time for the romantic moment.

Loki: I'm staying.

Sylvie: Loki, I don't know if this is gonna work.

Loki: You go, I go.

Oh, finally she admits she doesn’t know if this will work. Because actually her plan is as solid as Loki’s but who cares, this is only to underline that love is in the air because Loki is staying with her even if her plan might be a complete and utter failure.

I don’t really like her ‘mommy is telling you this might be a dumb idea’ tone if I’ve to be honest, Mobius who suddenly turns to him as he said so, seemed more worried and I’m very clearly not a Lokius shipper as I don’t even believe Mobius and Loki to be genuine friends.

Anyway Loki gives the Tempad Sylvie gave him to Mobius. Because they had to wait for Alioth to be there before deciding to leave.

Mobius, as the true friend he is, decides he’ll leave the place and who cares if they might need herlp, so that in case Loki and Sylvie don’t die but can’t get to the TimeKeeper either they’re left without any mean of transportation away from that place.

Mobius then goes:

Mobius: I'll give your regards to Renslayer.

Sylvie: Oh, please do.

I take this means his strong and deep and special friendship with Renslayer has ended. Anyway he volunteers to bring with himself the other Lokis but they refuse saying that’s their home… which is not wrong as that place has what remains of their homes since the TVA sent them there. Still Mobius could have tried harder but it’s not like he has to care about Loki Variants he and the TVA sent there after destroying their homes.

It’s Loki who worries about them and about how Alioth could harm them.

Classic Loki: We've survived this long. We know what we're doing.

Kid Loki gives Loki his sword, Laevateinn so Loki with his magic creates a sheat he put on his back.

Classic Loki wishes him good luck and I’d like to point out that for all their babbling about the Lokis being terrible, Classic Loki, Kid Loki and Alligator Loki and been very nice and helpful with Loki and among them. Friends. They didn’t just lie, cheat and cut each other throat for power, even if they had just met him. They didn’t even use him.

And I like their relation more than I like the one with Sylvie.

They walk away and Mobius open for himself a Time Door.

Now… it shows that Tom Hiddleston and Owen Wilson are friends because when they interact they genuinely seems so but the basis on which the plot built this friendship are nonexistent.

Mobius observes Loki got away in the end which is… a bit early to say so, since he also needs to get away from Alioth. At Loki who asks him what he will do at the TVA he answers:

Mobius: Burn it to the ground. Thanks for the spark. Well, see you later, Loki.

All this because the TVA lied to him, not because it pushed him to reset poor people he didn’t even try to save from the Void.

Still the sentence is good considering the story started with Loki wanting to burn the place.

Loki: I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.

Mobius: I'll show you where my desk is, you can start there.

Mobius offers him his hand to shake but Loki has to hug him and thanks him even though he didn’t hug Classic Loki and Kid Loki.

Now, it’s true, without Mobius the TVA would have killed him, and Mobius gave him a second chance when the TVA decided to consider the first mission Loki took part in as a failure, but the point is Mobius did it because he needed Loki’s help. Loki helped him find where the Variant hid and tried to stop her. He failed, ended up on Lamentis and when he was retrieved, Mobius didn’t believe him and had him beaten up telling him he didn’t need him anymore. He came to free him only because he discovered Loki didn’t lie to him and so he wanted help face the TVA.

Now compare with Classic Loki, Kid Loki and Alligator Loki. They found Loki and brought him to their hideout because it was dangerous to be outside with Alioth around. They gave him something to drink and possibly to eat. When they were attacked by President Loki, after understanding it wasn’t his fault, carried him with them in their escape. Helped him find Alioth. Gave him a sword. And Classic Loki will die in a while to help Loki and Sylvie against Alioth. In short they only helped him and never wronged him. But they aren’t special friends like Mobius, not even taking into consideration it’s supposedly Loki’s narcissism who caused him to fall for Sylvie.

As Mobius hugs Loki he whispers ‘you’re my favourite’ looking at Sylvie.

Considering how he used to bother Renslayer about wanting to be her favourite and that he knows Loki is in need of reassurance I don’t really enjoy much the joke.

Mobius leaves, the door immediately closes behind him and doesn’t remain open for hours like in Ep 2 and Sylvie and Loki are alone to face Alioth. They walk closer and Sylvie decides then to explain him her plan because doing so earlier, when they had all the time in the world, would have been unromantic. Much better to do it five minutes before facing him.

Sylvie: When a branch appears, Alioth will focus on it. That's when I'll enchant it.

Classic Loki and Kid Loki meanwhile are kilometres away because when they walk away slowly they walk just that fast.

Classic Loki turns behind but then keep on walking so that they get farther.

As they’re close side by side… Loki moves to the other side of Sylvie… no idea why… and points out they might not have the time to wait for a branch so Sylvie says they’ll need a distraction. And how did she meant to create one if Loki hadn’t remained with her? I still think it’s a poor plan that can work only because the Mary Sue’s plan always works.

Okay, so she didn’t think Loki would be the distraction because, after she says so he rests his hand on her shoulder and she shakes her head no and he instead nods yes and then runs away and tries to persuade Alioth in coming after him, showing him the flaming sword Kid Loki gave him.

I’ll be honest the silent dialogue between Sylvie and Loki is a nice moment. If they had put more things like these in Episode 3 this idea of a romance between them would have worked much better.

On another side Loki with a flaming sword seemed a much cooler scene in the trailer than here, where the flaming sword is merely used as some sort of light to attract Alioth.

Sylvie then tries to enchant one of Alioth’s tendril/pseudopod but he notices, ignore Loki and goes after her. Loki runs toward Sylvie telling Alioth he should come his way but Alioth doesn’t care and is about to eat Sylvie who doesn’t move at all because ‘why escaping?’ and then Alioth abruptly gets distracted as Classic Loki uses his illusion magic to recreate Asgard because a real friend comes back in your time of need and even risk life for you even though you hadn’t hugged him.

The music is rather cool.

We’ve then this informative bit:

Sylvie: How is he doing that?

Loki: I think we're stronger than we realize.

Which really feels useless. He’s an older Loki he might have developed powers you two don’t have yet. People change with time, stop considering all the Lokis equal.

Anyway Alioth is fully distracted by the fake Asgard and Classic Loki tells them to go. Sylvie takes Loki’s hand because she has decided she’ll enchant Alioth together with Loki. Loki points out he doesn’t know how to enchant people but who cares, they’re the same so of course he knows.

Logic, where are you?

On another note originally Loki wasn’t meant to do it.

Eric Martin@MrEricMartin·Jul 8

Loki and Sylvie enchanting Alioth together was something we found pretty late into the process. It was #KevinWright that brought up that they should hold hands and find the strength within each other and it was such and of course moment. #LokiMidnightTheater

Of course Loki just watching as Sylvie were to enchant Alioth would have been disappointing but again, a plot also needs LOGIC. Sylvie could have spent two minutes teaching him to use enchantment instead than just telling him ‘You do. Because we're the same!’ The idea that because you’re both Variants of the same person you also share common knowledge is ludicrous but whatever, the show established Sylvie could learn doing it without being taught so… who am I to judge? On the other side the remarking of the fact they’re the same kind of ruin the romance by again feeding into the narrative it’s the result of narcissism.

Whatever, since Sylvie trusts him to learn how to enchant a giant sized monster right then Loki of course is persuaded he can do it.

It’s kind of… odd how the illusion of Asgard disappear before Alioth could touch it… is Classic Loki teasing Alioth? But well, I love how he distracted him by showing him Asgard, as if it were a Testament to Classic Loki’s love for it.

Meanwhile COINCIDENTALLY Alioth let two tendrils/pseudopods get near Loki and Sylvie so each of them can use one to try and enchant him because if they only had one it would have been a problem and if they had three it would have been too many.

Loki can’t quite work the enchantment magic yet so they hold hand tighter. Yeah, it’s romantic but… okay, I’ll try very hard to forget the logic here because this finally causes Loki’s hand to light up with magic.

Meanwhile sustaining such a big illusion was too much for Classic Loki. The illusion fades pressured by Alioth. He uses his magic again but nothing happens but this seems the plan… so it can be is it just that Alioth is attracted by Magic?

Laughing and yelling ‘Glorious purpose!’ Classic Loki, instead than trying to escape by opening a portal has he had done when they were inside their hideout, let himself be eaten by Alioth.

So to sum it up this Loki decided he wouldn’t sacrifice for his brother, as he escaped Thanos and let Thor to fend for himself, but then decided he would sacrifice for a Variant of himself. As I like to consider him a different person from Loki this can be a very nice message of friendship… but I fear the series’ idea is it’s all narcissism and the point they’re trying to do is that Loki sacrificed for himself… even though the series yammered for hours about how the Lokis didn’t see the other Variants as themselves… unless when they fall in love with one.

Bottom of the line, Classic Loki can’t have nice things, he can only die heroically and in this is supposed to be his redemption and he can only embrace such fate.

On another note… why was he capable to open a portal when they was inside their hideout but when they had to do all that walk through the place or when they moved to search for Alioth or when they left Loki and Sylvie he didn’t think to open one? Don’t give him powers that he isn’t going to use when it would be useful to use them!

Back to the story, at this point Alioth notices Loki and Sylvie so they close their eyes and have… a burst of magic? Is that what had happened? Anyway Alioth starts shining green and loses his face, no, not in the sense he damages his reputation, he just loses his face which evidently was just some sort of scary decoration as he’s basically a cloud.

Everything becomes green and Sylvie opens her eyes, smiles and tell Loki, who hasn’t realized anything, that he can open his eyes… which really is dumb.

Anyway they hadn’t enchanted Alioth, they had just… dissipated him because the cloud now opens up but you don’t see what’s behind it but, literally, a building in likely another dimension because of course Sylvie’s theory was right and beating Alioth meant to open the way to the residence of their enemy.

Or are we supposed to assume they’re mentally controlling Alioth? But in this case it’s just Sylvie who’s doing it because Loki was apparently unaware so…

At this point the two start to walk toward their supposed enemy’s residence and it would be very fun if the guy there had no relation with the TVA who actually was guilty of tossing litter in his own territory but only one episode is missing and, of course, they need to fight the big bad.

Have I already said if they use again Loki as the big bad I’m going to scream?!?

I genuinely hope that this will not be the case and we’ll get Kang, the conqueror.

Anyway so, this episode.

This episode was the funniest of the series, I’ve no qualms admitting it. It’s just I didn’t see much point in having an episode which is mostly filled with “Looney tunes” humour at this point in the series in place of facing all the serious themes the other 4 had supposedly raised. Also I would have appreciated the “Looney tunes” humour more if Loki had played the part of Bugs Bunny instead than the one of Daffy Duck, mixed with Yosemite Sam and other characters who’re there just to make confusion.

I’ll be fine if it were to be an extra episode, a bonus, but no, we’re wasting almost a full episode to… have fun?

At this point, instead than making a serious series with serious themes you would have made a fully playful one. Let’s not have a fascist organization which kills Variants or sent them in a lager called Void to be eaten alive by cannibalistic pirates or by Alioth, and which also kidnap and brainwashes its workers so that they’re willing members of a dumb cult and act all racist and abusive toward other Variants.

Let’s not talk about identity, sexual or personal, of the nature of people, if they can be good or evil. Let’s just have fun. Or let’s not and keep on talking of all that until we’ve solved the issue.

You can’t show me Mobius who first forces Loki to work for the TVA then has Loki beaten over and over for no decent reason belittling his relationship with Sylvie and then they’re back on being best friends and he’s super supportive of his relationship with Sylvie and we don’t talk of what happened in Ep 4.

You can’t show me the TVA being abusive and racist toward the Variants and now that they’ve discovered they’re Variants they don’t regret what was done to them but just that they were lied to and this isn’t denounced as hypocrisy but as the right thing to do.

What’s more you can’t take a character who’s famous for his intelligence and quick wit and who’s a capable fighter and stronger than humans and have him dumbed down and weakened down in a serious contest.

You can’t wave away what were meant to be serious issues which lead said character to attempt suicide as him being overly sensitive.

Do you want to make a parody? Fine, but label it as such.

On a positive side they made the romance between Sylvie and Loki a tad better… but it’s just too late.

You should have first constructed them falling in love, and then developed it. Their falling in love was built over nothing. Even if now you’re raising a pretty house, it has no foundations.

Also there are just too many plot contrivances and too little characterization.

Why Kid Loki wasn’t fleshed out a little bit? He killed Thor. How? Does it pains him? He’s the king of the place? How? Which are his powers? He’s generally nice with the other Lokis in a world that insists the Lokis are backstabbing idiots who want to backstab themselves. Isn’t it worth exploring? If only to see why they turned out different from how they started?

No, he’s just there to point out how he was willing to murder his brother from a young age because retconning “Thor” is Marvel’s biggest wish from a lifetime.

Also this episode keeps the trend of recurring plot contrivances and poor Sylvie as a Mary Sue which, honestly is damaging to women portray. A solid characterization would have to be persuasive or capable on solid basis, her tragedy genuinely explored not just tossed there with everyone humouring her because she’s a Mary Sue.

I mean, even Thor, in “Thor” to have his best friends follow him on Jotunheim tempted them with things they liked/wanted.

Sylvie just says ‘jump’ and everyone asks ‘how high?’ and this is bad because Sylvie has a goddamn lot of potential but all her previous struggle isn’t explored and currently she gets all she wants served on a silver platter so, even now, we don’t see her struggle.

Overall the plot of this episode can be summarized in Sylvie reaches Loki and Mobius into the Void, provides Mobius the means to go back to the TVA while she and Loki find the way to who’s behind the TVA.

Nothing really relevant happens otherwise. For 40 minutes episodes it’s really too little.

So yeah, it was a funny parody episode but… that’s all. Compared to episode 4 at least they kept the characterization the series established so they didn’t screw it up in this episode but… really, this has so much more potential that got wasted and it’s sad…

#mcu loki #loki #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #classic loki #kid loki #boastful loki #ravonna renslayer #mobius m mobius #alioth #president loki #alligator loki #miss minute #9 worlds study #9 worlds study mcu loki

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helenaklein · 4 years ago

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Heya, i come across your blog while talking about nelroche etc. I never know anything about l&l since i never play lovestruck, can someone give explanation which part that is similiar? While idk anything about lovestruck, I found their previous work also has similiar with manga yana of the dawn (which i have read the manga, and yes, they are pretty similiar to called it just coincidence).

okay so fair warning... this is long as fuck because there are more similarities than there are differences lol. also as a disclaimer i’m only invested in this whole thing insofar as it entertains me but if the “””””creators””””” want to fight me because i wrote this post.... they’re welcome to but i promise i’ll have more fun than they will lmfao

l&l’s about a young woman from a major city in our world who one day gets sucked via magical portal into a fantasy world filled with magic and races that are only fiction in ours. once there, she gets mistaken for their most notorious war criminal, an insanely powerful witch who committed a genocide and is center of a cult of worshipers willing to kill and die for her.

this is nelroche’s description, straight from their devblog:

now, if it was a matter of similar basic premises and setups, i’d write it off as coincidence and tell the anons who made me aware of this that i thought they were overreacting. after all, “normal-human sucked into medieval world” and even “mistaken identity” are both very well established tropes that have been done and done again and will continue to be done because many find it compelling. hell, i do too. honestly, if the devs had simply said that they drew inspiration from love & legends, i’d have understood.

but.

the similarities only begin there. and they only get more excessive. coupled with their adamant denial that they’ve never even read it....... it’s just not possible lmfao. even if they decided to change the physical appearances of the characters, the tropes behind them and their personalities are exactly the same.

the nelroche demo has:

1) the lord of a region who’s a massive workaholic to the point of self-detriment, but is very caring towards their people and their inner circle and whom everyone in the group has referred to as a parental figure.

aka.... l&l’s reiner wolfson, who’s described directly from the app as “Reiner is a fair and compassionate ruler who would defend the people of the human domain with his life.”

2) the prickly knight to said lord, who’s fiercely dedicated to their liege, very serious in personality along with stubborn and prideful, but cares deep down once you get past their walls.

literally l&l’s august falke. the demo describes them, literally as “...reminds me of the knights in the fairy tales, except, it seems, not quite as charming” whereas august’s in-app description reads “This knight in shining armor is more aggressive than the story books led you to believe...” I’ll let the similarities there speak for themselves.... lol

3) the energetic and bubbly mage who’s super tiny compared to their companions and avoids serious discussion, who happens to be a bit of a trickster and has a mysterious quality.

l&l’s altea bellerose but make it less pink! altea and “C”s similarities go even deeper but i’ll get into that a bit later.

4) the mysterious and heterochromatic-eyed figure who’s distrustful and initially stand-offish as a result of living through a life of hardship, that is excitable and actually loves to travel.

look no further than l&l’s saerys! M’s eyes are “ocean blue and purple” compared to his blue and red, but don’t let that difference fool you! their introductions are laughably similar (more on that later)... and the “travel” bit lmfao. not to be mean but they couldn’t at least change up his hobbies? come on now, work for that plagiarized bag!

5) the lazy and flirtatious one who’d rather spent their days joking and taking it easy than handling their many responsibilities, who does care but shows it in ways unconventional.

just because their hair is grey instead of white doesn’t mean it’s not l&l’s iseul idreis, babes! i’d know that endlessly frustrating man anywhere! lovestruck’s app description for him reads: “The elven prince is beautiful and cunning with a silver tongue, but his lackadaisical lifestyle leaves much to be desired”. corporate wants you to find the difference between these two pictures they’re the same dot jpg.

6) the complicated and slender blonde who wields both blade AND magic, whose eyes glow, whose power is deemed dangerous, who wears shades of blue, AND is initially described as cold? who seems like she wants to beat the hell out of her compatriots, who she seems to lead, and whose outfit is needlessly complicated?

you think i don’t know a knock off helena klein when i see one???? ME???????? helena’s in-app description LITERALLY reads “cold as ice” and “wielding both sword and sorcery with ruthless precision”!!!!! of alllllllllll the things i’m most offended by this one motherfucker you can’t just fuck around with helena on a whim okay this shit is personal now!!!!!!

7) the creepy, predatory, and combative pale-but-tanned-but-murky-skinned dude who wears robes and a creepy beast mask.

l&l’s jinhai jubal i know it’s you!!!! actually this is probably the funniest thing of the whole situation to me bc this dev decided to remove not-alain as a love interest and seemingly replace him with not-jinhai. secondary poster you a hilarious bitch i’m not gonna lie.

(here’s jinhai in his mask lmfao)

8) the mouse-looking man who seems not as confident as not-helena and not-jinhai, wears full armor AND a double-sided sword strapped to his back.

none other than l&l’s alain richter, back from the dead! im gonna let the next image speak for itself.

still with me? i sure hope so bc it really gets juicy now!!!!! the similarities don’t end with the characters!!!! no, no, no!!!! the plot and progression of the demo are identical to that of l&l’s pilot episode, beat for beat.

in the l&l pilot episode, after the mc stumbles through the portal and into the medieval town, she’s almost immediately accosted by august, a rude mf who essentially acts not very knight-like despite his appearance and forces her into the nearby castle’s dungeon.

once inside the dungeon, the l&l mc is approached by a figure with hetero-chromatic eyes, who seems intrigued and confused by the mc’s lack of knowledge about the fantasy world.

once that person leaves, in comes a bubbly woman who seems to be floating. she asks mc if she’s ready to get out of the dungeon, and mc is like!!!! finally someone willing to help me. only..... uh oh.... she takes her to her lord instead of freeing her, wtf!!!!

once brought to the lord, who seems much more calm and reasonable than his high-strung and feisty knight, he listens to mc’s story and seems to believe her somewhat, but doesn’t want to risk his people.

(he’s even standing at the window LMFAOOOOOOOOO)

then the last remaining figure (iseul) playfully suggests that the lord (reiner) allow the mc to pick which among the group she’d like to guard her while they all determine whether or not she’s being truthful about not knowing anything. this is literally! literally! LITERALLY! how the PILOT EPISODE! of LOVE AND LEGENDS! ENDS!

ARE YOU SERIOUS LMFAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO. going through all this is literally fucking HILARIOUS to me like ak;sdfjadsfkl;asdfjlasdf how BOLD and BRAVE do you have to be to so blatantly rip something off and then deny even ever encountering what you stole from adsfkjldfasdfkasd,f. i’m not even super mad bc like.... i torment voltage for funsies. but! LMAO!!!!!!!!

lastly..... as an added bonus to all of the juicy, juicy evidence above. l&l mc has a best friend in the “real”, modern world, who inexplicably has a lookalike in the fantasy world. well..... would you believe it if i told you that the nelroche has one just like it???

that’s right! even sophie and solaire made the plagiarism cut! gotta love those girlies, i’m so happy for them :)

the end!

#lvstrck #long post #do i tag this bc i want to cause problems on purpose?????#love & legends #l&l #nelroche #oops!#Anonymous

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sarunohadaki · 3 years ago

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DQXI/ATLA Crossover

Crossover week: Home | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |

And so it begins! Time to pull out my fat folder of fic ideas!

This one I have a vague plot down but need to work on it a lot to get it to where I want it to be. There are many elements of the spirit world from the Legend of Korra that I think would lend itself very well to the ideas I’m about to discuss, but unfortunately, it’s been whole years since I have last watched the show, which I never finished.

More under the cut because it gets long. Spoilers for a potential future Saru fic and parallels to DQXI and a bit of Legend of Korra.

Rating: T

Relationships: Mainly Adventure/gen, with a dash of luminerik

Fic title idea (given what day this is being posted): Earth, Wind, and Fire

Premise: The fic is set in an Erdrea that has properties of the ATLA universe, mainly bending abilities and the hybrid animals. Yggdrasil is still a giant tree, but in this universe would also serve the dual purpose of being the main gateway into the spirit world.

In this universe, Yggdrasil didn’t quite get to pick who would become the next avatar. I wanted to do something with Harmonic Convergence, but it doesn’t quite work the way I need it to for my purposes. Add it to the drawing board, Alfred!

Mordegon would be human in this. He is Carnelian’s trusted advisor, and therefore, whispers in Carnelian’s ear that the rebirth of the avatar would only cause unnecessary trouble for a world that has been surviving fine without one for 10,000 years. Mordy convinces Carnelian to nearly murder a toddler but in canon fashion said bab ends up in a river for an indefinite amount of time and gets adopted by a rustic village community in the very country that intends to kill him. Great.

All of that being said… who is this avatar, anyway?

Eleven

Up until he was 16 and completed his village’s traditional rite into adulthood, El had believed he was like all the other kids. Waterbending comes as easily to him as breathing, and he uses it often, though mostly to play pranks on others.

Personality

I’ve looked at Aang and Korra and while both of them are very different avatars, they both have an excitable energy that I just adore. I will take that and inject it into my protagonist, thank you very much.

In a bold departure from meek or even level-headed Eleven, I want to emphasize his mischievous side, the side that stole Dunstan’s joke book as a kid and caused trouble for the other villagers. He has a strong moral compass, is self-assured, and likes to try new things. Maybe he even brags a little bit!

Abilities

He’s a casual waterbender user, but talented enough to still be pretty powerful with it.

El hasn’t used the other elements in a very long time. I say that because I feel like he’d had the ability to use all of them as a child, but Chalky deterred him because he knew to reveal that El was the avatar would be… a very problematic situation. Unlike the rest of the villagers who live in relative peace and ignorance, Chalky is more privy to the dangers of the world and decides to encourage El to stick to one type of bending to keep his identity a secret. Maybe El slips up sometimes, but who cares all that much?

Idk. I’m not sure I’m keeping any of that last paragraph. But as a child, adults tell you stuff all the time and you just believe them, so I can imagine Chalky sitting El down and saying, “You have to pick one element.”

The other characters (speedrun):

Gemma: Firebender (let the girl do things please for the love of Yggie)

Erik — No bending, knives, boomerangs, swords

Veronica — Earthbender

Serena — Waterbender

Sylvando — Airbender! (this fic’s version of a Kyoshi warrior, disguised as a woman when they first meet him, goes by Sylv, genderfluid) — fights with a fan

Jade — Firebender

Rab — Airbender (Later revealed to be the Air Bison the North)

Jasper — Firebender

Hendrik — No bending, shield, greatsword

Worldbuilding

I'm not going to get in-depth. It'd be... a lot. So, I'll just cover which elements are where. No country is distinctly a specific element (there is no named fire nation here), but some areas are going to be heavier on one element than another.

Heliodor: Mostly firebending, with touches of earth and water, particularly in villages like Cobblestone with a lot of waterfalls.

Gallopolis: Earth and airbending.

Octagonia: Mostly earth bending/no bending.

Sniflheim, Gondolia, Puerto Valor, Lonalulu: Waterbending.

Hotto: Firebending.

Phnom Nonh: Earthbending and firebending.

Arboria and Angri-La: Mostly airbending.

Girl’s Medal Academy: Everything, though it’s not the main focus of the school.

Plot

I initially wanted to take the video game plot and mix it with story beats from ATLA to create a blended disaster, but I was having trouble determining how to do that, so I put it on the backburner.

I know I want to do something with the spirit world and Yggdrasil’s seedlings. I know I wanted to include stakes where countries go to war or there’s some sort of overarching political… thing. Along with action scenes, waaaay more worldbuilding for Erdrea, and character dynamics that are more than just, “I joined your team and support you now!” We need a Toph in this fic! We need kids who don’t know what the heck they’re doing and get at each other’s throats sometimes!

I don’t want the reader to open up the fic and know immediately what’s coming, which indicates to me the fic needs a whole renovation, one with a plot made from my own brain. Because I don’t want the fic to just be, “Eleven went to Heliodor. He got thrown into the dungeon. He met Erik and they ran into a dragon then they jumped off a cliff.” That’s completely valid to write with new spice, but I would like to conjure up something different!

But I keep getting stuck at the beginning! It’s like trying to wade into a thornbush. You don’t. You just walk up to it and it’s all in your face and you just give up before even trying to untangle it, lol.

So for right now…

#Crossover Week #my fic ideas #my writing #the fic: ATLA Crossover #dqxi #avatar the last airbender

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ahouseoflies · 4 years ago

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The Best Films of 2020

I can’t tell you anything novel or insightful about this year that has been stolen from our lives. I watched zero of these films in a theater, and I watched most of them half-asleep in moments that I stole from my children. Don’t worry, there are some jokes below.

GARBAGE

93. Capone (Josh Trank)- What is the point of this dinner theater trash? It takes place in the last year of Capone's life, when he was released from prison due to failing health and suffered a stroke in his Florida home. So it covers...none of the things that make Al Capone interesting? It's not historically accurate, which I have no problem with, but if you steer away from accuracy, then do something daring and exciting. Don't give me endless scenes of "Phonse"--as if the movie is running from the very person it's about--drawing bags of money that promise intrigue, then deliver nothing in return.

That being said, best "titular character shits himself" scene since The Judge.

92. Ammonite (Francis Lee)- I would say that this is the Antz to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's A Bug's Life, but it's actually more like the Cars 3 to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's Toy Story 1.

91. Ava (Tate Taylor)- Despite the mystery and inscrutability that usually surround assassins, what if we made a hitman movie but cared a lot about her personal life? Except neither the assassin stuff nor the family stuff is interesting?

90. Wonder Woman 1984 (Patty Jenkins)- What a miscalculation of what audiences loved about the first and wanted from the sequel. WW84 is silly and weightless in all of the ways that the first was elegant and confident. If the return of Pine is just a sort of phantom representation of Diana's desires, then why can he fly a real plane? If he is taking over another man's soul, then, uh, what ends up happening to that guy? For that matter, why is it not 1984 enough for Ronald Reagan to be president, but it is 1984 enough for the president to have so many Ronald Reagan signifiers that it's confusing? Why not just make a decision?

On paper, the me-first values of the '80s lend themselves to the monkey's paw wish logic of this plot. You could actually do something with the Star Wars program or the oil crisis. But not if the setting is played for only laughs and the screenplay explains only what it feels like.

89. Babyteeth (Shannon Murphy)- In this type of movie, there has to be a period of the Ben Mendelsohn character looking around befuddled about the new arrangement and going, "What's this now--he's going to be...living with us? The guy who tried to steal our medication? This is crazy!" But that's usually ten minutes, and in this movie it's an hour. I was so worn out by the end.

88. You Should Have Left (David Koepp)- David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, so he's never going to hell, but how dare he start caring about his own mystery at the hour mark. There's a forty-five minute version of this movie that could get an extra star from me, and there's a three-hour version of Amanda Seyfried walking around in athleisure that would get four stars from me. What we actually get? No thanks.

87. Black Is King (Beyonce, et al.)- End your association with The Lion King, Bey. It has resulted in zero bops.

ADMIRABLE FAILURES

86. Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (Cathy Yan)- There's nothing too dysfunctional in the storytelling or performances, but Birds of Prey also doesn't do a single thing well. I would prefer something alive and wild, even if it were flawed, to whatever tame belt-level formula this is.

85. The Turning (Floria Sigismondi)- This update of The Turn of the Screw pumps the age of Miles up to high school, which creates some horny creepiness that I liked. But the age of the character also prevents the ending of the novel from happening in favor of a truly terrible shrug. I began to think that all of the patience that the film showed earlier was just hesitance for its own awful ending.

I watched The Turning as a Mackenzie Davis Movie Star heat check, and while I'm not sure she has the magnetism I was looking for, she does have a great teacher voice, chastening but maternal.

84. Bloodshot (David Wilson)- A whole lot of Vin Diesel saying he's going to get revenge and kill a bunch of dudes; not a whole lot of Vin Diesel actually getting revenge and killing a bunch of dudes.

83. Downhill (Nat Faxon and Jim Rash)- I was an English major in college, which means I ended up locking myself into literary theories that, halfway through the writing of an essay, I realized were flawed. But rather than throw out the work that I had already proposed, I would just keep going and see if I could will the idea to success.

So let's say you have a theory that you can take Force Majeure by Ruben Ostlund, one of the best films of its year, and remake it so that its statement about familial anxiety could apply to Americans of the same age and class too...if it hadn't already. And maybe in the first paragraph you mess up by casting Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people we are conditioned to laugh at, when maybe this isn't that kind of comedy at all. Well, don't throw it away. You can quote more--fill up the pages that way--take an exact shot or scene from the original. Does that help? Maybe you can make the writing more vigorous and distinctive by adding a character. Is that going to make this baby stand out? Maybe you could make it more personal by adding a conclusion that is slightly more clever than the rest of the paper?

Or perhaps this is one you're just not going to get an A on.

82. Hillbilly Elegy (Ron Howard)- I watched this melodrama at my mother's encouragement, and, though I have been trying to pin down her taste for decades, I think her idea of a successful film just boils down to "a lot of stuff happens." So in that way, Ron Howard's loss is my gain, I guess.

There is no such thing as a "neutral Terminator."

81. Relic (Natalie Erika James)- The star of the film is Vanessa Cerne's set decoration, but the inert music and slow pace cancel out a house that seems neglected slowly over decades.

80. Buffaloed (Tanya Wexler)- Despite a breathless pace, Buffaloed can't quite congeal. In trying to split the difference between local color hijinks and Moneyballed treatise on debt collection, it doesn't commit enough to either one.

Especially since Zoey Deutch produced this one in addition to starring, I'm getting kind of worried about boo's taste. Lot of Two If by Seas; not enough While You Were Sleepings.

79. Like a Boss (Miguel Arteta)- I chuckled a few times at a game supporting cast that is doing heavy lifting. But Like a Boss is contrived from the premise itself--Yeah, what if people in their thirties fell out of friendship? Do y'all need a creative consultant?--to the escalation of most scenes--Why did they have to hide on the roof? Why do they have to jump into the pool?

The movie is lean, but that brevity hurts just as much as it helps. The screenplay knows which scenes are crucial to the development of the friendship, but all of those feel perfunctory, in a different gear from the setpieces.

To pile on a bit: Studio comedies are so bare bones now that they look like Lifetime movies. Arteta brought Chuck & Buck to Sundance twenty years ago, and, shot on Mini-DV for $250,000, it was seen as a DIY call-to-bootstraps. I guarantee that has more setups and locations and shooting days than this.

78. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (David Dobkin)- Add Dan Stevens to the list of supporting players who have bodied Will Ferrell in his own movie--one that he cared enough to write himself.

Like Downhill, Ferrell's other 2020 release, this isn't exactly bad. It's just workmanlike and, aside from the joke about Demi Lovato's "uninformed" ghost, frustratingly conventional.

77. The Traitor (Marco Bellochio)- Played with weary commitment by Pierfrancesco Favino, Tomasso Buscetta is "credited" as the first informant of La Cosa Nostra. And that sounds like an interesting subject for a "based on a true story" crime epic, right? Especially when you find out that Buscetta became a rat out of principle: He believed that the mafia to which he had pledged his life had lost its code to the point that it was a different organization altogether.

At no point does Buscetta waver or even seem to struggle with his decision though, so what we get is less conflicted than that description might suggest. None of these Italian mob movies glorify the lifestyle, so I wasn't expecting that. But if the crime doesn't seem enticing, and snitching on the crime seems like forlorn duty, and everything is pitched with such underhanded matter-of-factness that you can't even be sure when Buscetta has flipped, then what are we left with? It was interesting seeing how Italian courts work, I guess?

76. Kajillionaire (Miranda July)- This is another movie so intent on building atmosphere and lore that it takes too long to declare what it is. When the protagonist hits a breaking point and has to act, she has only a third of a film to grow. So whispery too.

Gina Rodriguez is the one to inject life into it. As soon as her motormouth winds up, the film slips into a different gear. The atmosphere and lore that I mentioned reeks of artifice, but her character is believably specific. Beneath a basic exterior is someone who is authentically caring but still morally compromised, beholden to the world that the other characters are suspicious of.

75. Scoob! (Tony Cervone)- The first half is sometimes clever, but it hammers home the importance of friendship while separating the friends.

The second half has some positive messaging, but your kids' movie might have a problem with scale if it involves Alexander the Great unlocking the gates of the Underworld.

My daughter loved it.

74. The Lovebirds (Michael Showalter)- If I start talking too much about this perfectly fine movie, I end up in that unfair stance of reviewing the movie I wanted, not what is actually there.* As a fan of hang-out comedies, I kind of resent that any comedy being made now has to be rolled into something more "exciting," whether it's a wrongfully accused or mistaken identity thriller or some other genre. Such is the post-Game Night world. There's a purposefully anti-climactic note that I wish The Lovebirds had ended on, but of course we have another stretch of hiding behind boats and shooting guns. Nanjiani and Rae are really charming leads though.

*- As a New Orleanian, I was totally distracted by the fake aspects of the setting too. "Oh, they walked to Jefferson from downtown? Really?" You probably won't be bothered by the locations.

73. Sonic the Hedgehog (Jeff Fowler)- In some ways the storytelling is ambitious. (I'm speaking for only myself, but I'm fine with "He's a hedgehog, and he's really fast" instead of the owl mother, teleportation backstory. Not everything has to be Tolkien.) But that ambition doesn't match the lack of ambition in the comedy, which depends upon really hackneyed setups and structures. Guiding Jim Carrey to full alrighty-then mode was the best choice anyone made.

72. Malcolm & Marie (Sam Levinson)- The stars move through these long scenes with agility and charisma, but the degree of difficulty is just too high for this movie to reach what it's going for.

Levinson is trying to capture an epic fight between a couple, and he can harness the theatrical intensity of such a thing, but he sacrifices almost all of the nuance. In real life, these knock-down-drag-outs can be circular and indirect and sad in a way that this couple's manipulation rarely is. If that emotional truth is all this movie is trying to achieve, I feel okay about being harsh in my judgment of how well it does that.

71. Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov)- Elusive in how it refuses to declare itself, forthright in how punishing it is. The whole thing might be worth it for a late dinner scene, but I'm getting a bit old to put myself through this kind of misery.

70. The Burnt Orange Heresy (Giuseppe Capotondi)- Silly in good ways until it's silly in bad ways. Elizabeth Debicki remains 6'3".

69. Everybody’s Everything (Sebastian Jones and Ramez Silyan)- As a person who listened to Lil Peep's music, I can confidently say that this documentary is overstating his greatness. His death was a significant loss, as the interview subjects will all acknowledge, but the documentary is more useful as a portrait of a certain unfocused, rapacious segment of a generation that is high and online at all times.

68. The Witches (Robert Zemeckis)- Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, and Guillermo Del Toro are the credited screenwriters, and in a fascinating way, you can see the imprint of each figure on the final product. Adapting a very European story to the old wives' tales of the American South is an interesting choice. Like the Nicolas Roeg try at this material, Zemeckis is not afraid to veer into the terrifying, and Octavia Spencer's pseudo witch doctor character only sells the supernatural. From a storytelling standpoint though, it seems as if the obstacles are overcome too easily, as if there's a whole leg of the film that has been excised. The framing device and the careful myth-making of the flashback make promises that the hotel half of the film, including the abrupt ending, can't live up to.

If nothing else, Anne Hathaway is a real contender for Most On-One Performance of the year.

67. Irresistible (Jon Stewart)- Despite a sort of imaginative ending, Jon Stewart's screenplay feels more like the declarative screenplay that would get you hired for a good movie, not a good screenplay itself. It's provocative enough, but it's clumsy in some basic ways and never evades the easy joke.

For example, the Topher Grace character is introduced as a sort of assistant, then is re-introduced an hour later as a polling expert, then is shown coaching the candidate on presentation a few scenes later. At some point, Stewart combined characters into one role, but nothing got smoothed out.

ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

66. Yes, God, Yes (Karen Maine)- Most people who are Catholic, including me, are conflicted about it. Most people who make movies about being Catholic hate it and have an axe to grind. This film is capable of such knowing wit and nuance when it comes to the lived-in details of attending a high school retreat, but it's more concerned with taking aim at hypocrisy in the broad way that we've seen a million times. By the end, the film is surprisingly all-or-nothing when Christian teenagers actually contain multitudes.

Part of the problem is that Karen Maine's screenplay doesn't know how naive to make the Alice character. Sometimes she's reasonably naive for a high school senior in 2001; sometimes she's comically naive so that the plot can work; and sometimes she's stupid, which isn't the same as naive.

65. Bad Boys for Life (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah)- This might be the first buddy cop movie in which the vets make peace with the tech-comm youngs who use new techniques. If that's the only novelty on display here--and it is--then maybe that's enough. I laughed maybe once. Not that the mistaken identity subplot of Bad Boys 1 is genius or anything, but this entry felt like it needed just one more layer to keep it from feeling as basic as it does. Speaking of layers though, it's almost impossible to watch any Will Smith movie now without viewing it through the meta-narrative of "What is Will Smith actually saying about his own status at this point in his career?" He's serving it up to us.

I derived an inordinate amount of pleasure from seeing the old school Simpson/Bruckheimer logo.

64. The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie)- Look, I'm not going to be too negative on a movie whose crime slang is so byzantine that it has to be explained with subtitles. That's just me. I'm a simple man. But I can tell you that I tuned out pretty hard after seven or eight double-crosses.

The bloom is off the rose a bit for Ritchie, but he can still nail a music cue. I've been waiting for someone to hit "That's Entertainment" the way he does on the end credits.

63. Bad Hair (Justin Simien)- In Bad Hair, an African-American woman is told by her boss at a music video channel in 1989 that straightening her hair is the way to get ahead; however, her weave ends up having a murderous mind of its own. Compared to that charged, witty logline, the execution of the plot itself feels like a laborious, foregone conclusion. I'm glad that Simien, a genuinely talented writer, is making movies again though. Drop the skin-care routine, Van Der Beek!

62. Greyhound (Aaron Schneider)- "If this is the type of role that Tom Hanks writes for himself, then he understands his status as America's dad--'wise as the serpent, harmless as the dove'--even better than I thought." "America's Dad! Aye aye, sir!" "At least half of the dialogue is there for texture and authenticity, not there to be understood by the audience." "Fifty percent, Captain!" "The environment looks as fake as possible, but I eventually came around to the idea that the movie is completely devoid of subtext." "No subtext to be found, sir!"

61. Mank (David Fincher)- About ten years ago, the Creative Screenwriting podcast spent an hour or so with James Vanderbilt, the writer of Zodiac and nothing else that comes close, as he relayed the creative paces that David Fincher pushed him through. Hundreds of drafts and years of collaborative work eventuated in the blueprint for Fincher's most exacting, personal film, which he didn't get a writing credit on only because he didn't seek one.

Something tells me that Fincher didn't ask for rewrites from his dead father. No matter what visuals and performances the director can coax from the script--and, to be clear, these are the worst visuals and performances of his career--they are limited by the muddy lightweight pages. There are plenty of pleasures, like the slippery election night montage or the shakily platonic relationship between Mank and Marion. But Fincher hadn't made a film in six years, and he came back serving someone else's master.

60. Tesla (Michael Almereyda)- "You live inside your head." "Doesn't everybody?"

As usual, Almereyda's deconstructions are invigorating. (No other moment can match the first time Eve Hewson's Anne fact-checks something with her anachronistic laptop.) But they don't add up to anything satisfying because Tesla himself is such an opaque figure. Driven by the whims of his curiosity without a clear finish line, the character gives Hawke something enigmatic to play as he reaches deep into a baritone. But he's too inward to lend himself to drama. Tesla feels of a piece with Almereyda's The Experimenter, and that's the one I would recommend.

59. Vitalina Varela (Pedro Costa)- I can't oversell how delicately beautiful this film is visually. There's a scene in which Vitalina lugs a lantern into a church, but we get several seconds of total darkness before that one light source carves through it and takes over part of the frame. Each composition is as intricate as it is overpowering, achieving a balance between stark and mannered.

That being said, most of the film is people entering or exiting doors. I felt very little of the haunting loss that I think I was supposed to.

58. The Rhythm Section (Reed Morano)- Call it the Timothy Hutton in The General's Daughter Corollary: If a name-actor isn't in the movie much but gets third billing, then, despite whom he sends the protagonist to kill, he is the Actual Bad Guy.

Even if the movie serves up a lot of cliche, the action and sound design are visceral. I would like to see more from Morano.

57. Red, White and Blue (Steve McQueen)- Well-made and heartfelt even if it goes step-for-step where you think it will.

Here's what I want to know though: In the academy training sequence, the police cadets have to subdue a "berserker"; that is, a wildman who swings at their riot gear with a sledgehammer. Then they get him under control, and he shakes their hands, like, "Good angle you took on me there, mate." Who is that guy and where is his movie? Is this full-time work? Is he a police officer or an independent contractor? What would happen if this exercise didn't go exactly as planned?

56. Wolfwalkers (Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart)- The visuals have an unfinished quality that reminded me of The Tale of Princess Kaguya--the center of a flame is undrawn white, and fog is just negative space. There's an underlying symmetry to the film, and its color palette changes with mood.

Narratively, it's pro forma and drawn-out. Was Riley in Inside Out the last animated protagonist to get two parents? My daughter stuck with it, but she needed a lot of context for the religious atmosphere of 17th century Ireland.

55. What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (Rob Garver)- The film does little more than one might expect; it's limited in the way that any visual medium is when trying to sum up a woman of letters. But as far as education for Kael's partnership with Warren Beatty or the idea of The New Yorker paying her for only six months out of the year, it was useful for me.

Although Garver isn't afraid to point to the work that made Kael divisive, it would have been nice to have one or two interview subjects who questioned her greatness, rather than the crew of Paulettes who, even when they do say something like, "Sometimes I radically disagreed with her," do it without being able to point to any specifics.

54. Beastie Boys Story (Spike Jonze)- As far as this Spike Jonze completist is concerned, this is more of a Powerpoint presentation than a movie, Beastie Boys Story still warmed my heart, making me want to fire up Paul's Boutique again and take more pictures of my buddies.

53. Tenet (Christopher Nolan)- Cool and cold, tantalizing and frustrating, loud and indistinct, Tenet comes close to Nolan self-parody, right down to the brutalist architecture and multiple characters styled like him. The setpieces grabbed me, I'll admit.

Nolan's previous film, which is maybe his best, was "about" a lot and just happened to play with time; Tenet is only about playing with time.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

52. Shithouse (Cooper Raiff)- "Death is ass."

There's such a thing as too naturalistic. If I wanted to hear how college freshmen really talked, I would hang out with college freshmen. But you have to take the good verisimilitude with the bad, and good verisimilitude is the mother's Pod Save America t-shirt.

There are some poignant moments (and a gonzo performance from Logan Miller) in this auspicious debut from Cooper Raiff, the writer/director/editor/star. But the second party sequence kills some of the momentum, and at a crucial point, the characters spell out some motivation that should have stayed implied.

51. Totally Under Control (Alex Gibney, Ophelia Harutyunyan, Suzanne Hillinger)- As dense and informative as any other Gibney documentary with the added flex of making it during the pandemic it is investigating.

But yeah, why am I watching this right now? I don't need more reasons to be angry with Trump, whom this film calmly eviscerates. The directors analyze Trump's narcissism first through his contradictions of medical expertise in order to protect the economy that could win him re-election. Then it takes aim at his hiring based on loyalty instead of experience. But you already knew that, which is the problem with the film, at least for now.

50. Happiest Season (Clea Duvall)- I was in the perfect mood to watch something this frothy and bouncy. Every secondary character receives a moment in the sun, and Daniel Levy gets a speech that kind of saves the film at a tipping point.

I must say though: I wanted to punch Harper in her stupid face. She is a terrible romantic partner, abandoning or betraying Abby throughout the film and dissembling her entire identity to everyone else in a way that seems absurd for a grown woman in 2020. Run away, Kristen. Perhaps with Aubrey Plaza, whom you have more chemistry with. But there I go shipping and aligning myself with characters, which only proves that this is an effective romantic comedy.

49. The Way Back (Gavin O’Connor)- Patient but misshapen, The Way Back does just enough to overcome the cliches that are sort of unavoidable considering the genre. (I can't get enough of the parent character who, for no good reason, doesn't take his son's success seriously. "Scholarship? What he's gotta do is put his nose in them books! That's why I don't go to his games. [continues moving boxes while not looking at the other character] Now if you'll excuse me while I wait four scenes before showing up at a game to prove that I'm proud of him after all...")

What the movie gets really right or really wrong in the details about coaching and addiction is a total crap-shoot. But maybe I've said too much already.

48. The Whistlers (Corneliu Porumboiu)- Porumboiu is a real artist who seems to be interpreting how much surveillance we're willing to acknowledge and accept, but I won't pretend to have understood much of the plot, the chapters or which are told out of order. Sometimes the structure works--the beguiling, contextless "high-class hooker" sequence--but I often wondered if the film was impenetrable in the way that Porumboiu wanted it to be or impenetrable in the way he didn't.

To tell you the truth, the experience kind of depressed me because I know that, in my younger days, this film is the type of thing that I would re-watch, possibly with the chronology righted, knowing that it is worth understanding fully. But I have two small children, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I kind of thought I should get some credit for still trying to catch up with Romanian crime movies in the first place.

47. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (Jason Woliner)- I laughed too much to get overly critical, but the film is so episodic and contrived that it's kind of exhausting by the end--even though it's achieving most of its goals. Maybe Borat hasn't changed, but the way our citizens own their ugliness has.

46. First Cow (Kelly Reichardt)- Despite how little happens in the first forty minutes, First Cow is a thoughtful capitalism parable. Even though it takes about forty minutes to get going, the friendship between Cookie and King-Lu is natural and incisive. Like Reichardt's other work, the film's modest premise unfolds quite gracefully, except for in the first forty minutes, which are uneventful.

45. Les Miserables (Ladj Ly)- I loved parts of the film--the disorienting, claustrophobic opening or the quick look at the police officers' home lives, for example. But I'm not sure that it does anything very well. The needle the film tries to thread between realism and theater didn't gel for me. The ending, which is ambiguous in all of the wrong ways, chooses the theatrical. (If I'm being honest, my expectations were built up by Les Miserables' Jury Prize at Cannes, and it's a bit superficial to be in that company.)

If nothing else, it's always helpful to see how another country's worst case scenario in law enforcement would look pretty good over here.

44. Bad Education (Cory Finley)- The film feels too locked-down and small at the beginning, so intent on developing the protagonist neutrally that even the audience isn't aware of his secrets. So when he faces consequences for those secrets, there's a disconnect. Part of tragedy is seeing the doom coming, right?

When it opens up, however, it's empathetic and subtle, full of a dry irony that Finley is already specializing in after only one other feature. Geraldine Viswanathan and Allison Janney get across a lot of interiority that is not on the page.

43. The Trip to Greece (Michael Winterbottom)- By the fourth installment, you know whether you're on board with the franchise. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" to Coogan and Brydon's bickering and impressions as they're served exotic food in picturesque settings, then this one won't sway you. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" about life, like they are, then I don't need to convince you.

I will say that The Trip to Spain seemed like an enervated inflection point, at which the squad could have packed it in. The Trip to Greece proves that they probably need to keep doing this until one of them dies, which has been the subtext all along.

42. Feels Good Man (Arthur Jones)- This documentary centers on innocent artist Matt Furie's helplessness as his Pepe the Frog character gets hijacked by the alt-right. It gets the hard things right. It's able to, quite comprehensively, trace a connection from 4Chan's use of Pepe the Frog to Donald Trump's near-assuming of Pepe's ironic deniability. Director Arthur Jones seems to understand the machinations of the alt-right, and he articulates them chillingly.

The easy thing, making us connect to Furie, is less successful. The film spends way too much time setting up his story, and it makes him look naive as it pits him against Alex Jones in the final third. Still, the film is a quick ninety-two minutes, and the highs are pretty high.

41. The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood)- Some of the world-building and backstory are handled quite elegantly. The relationships actually do feel centuries old through specific details, and the immortal conceit comes together for an innovative final action sequence.

Visually and musically though, the film feels flat in a way that Prince-Bythewood's other films do not. I blame Netflix specs. KiKi Layne, who tanked If Beale Street Could Talk for me, nearly ruins this too with the child-actory way that she stresses one word per line. Especially in relief with one of our more effortless actresses, Layne is distracting.

40. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Aaron Sorkin)- Whenever Sacha Baron Cohen's Abbie Hoffman opens his mouth, the other defendants brace themselves for his dismissive vulgarity. Even when it's going to hurt him, he can't help but shoot off at the mouth. Of course, he reveals his passionate and intelligent depths as the trial goes on. The character is the one that Sorkin's screenplay seems the most endeared to: In the same way that Hoffman can't help but be Hoffman, Sorkin can't help but be Sorkin. Maybe we don't need a speech there; maybe we don't have to stretch past two hours; maybe a bon mot diffuses the tension. But we know exactly what to expect by now. The film is relevant, astute, witty, benevolent, and, of course, in love with itself. There are a handful of scenes here that are perfect, so I feel bad for qualifying so much.

A smaller point: Daniel Pemberton has done great work in the past (Motherless Brooklyn, King Arthur, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.), but the first sequence is especially marred by his sterile soft-rock approach.

GOOD MOVIES

39. Time (Garrett Bradley)- The key to Time is that it provides very little context. Why the patriarch of this family is serving sixty years in prison is sort of besides the point philosophically. His wife and sons have to move on without him, and the tragedy baked into that fact eclipses any notion of what he "deserved." Feeling the weight of time as we switch back and forth between a kid talking about his first day of kindergarten and that same kid graduating from dentistry school is all the context we need. Time's presentation can be quite sumptuous: The drone shot of Angola makes its buildings look like crosses. Or is it X's?

At the same time, I need some context. When director Garrett Bradley withholds the reason Robert's in prison, and when she really withholds that Fox took a plea and served twelve years, you start to see the strings a bit. You could argue that knowing so little about why, all of a sudden, Robert can be on parole puts you into the same confused shoes as the family, but it feels manipulative to me. The film is preaching to the choir as far as criminal justice goes, which is fine, but I want it to have the confidence to tell its story above board.

38. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Turner Ross and Bill Ross IV)- I have a barfly friend whom I see maybe once a year. When we first set up a time to meet, I kind of dread it and wonder what we'll have to talk about. Once we do get together, we trip on each other's words a bit, fumbling around with the rhythm of conversation that we mastered decades ago. He makes some kind of joke that could have been appropriate then but isn't now.

By the end of the day, hours later, we're hugging and maybe crying as we promise each other that we won't wait as long next time.

That's the exact same journey that I went on with this film.

37. Underwater (William Eubank)- Underwater is a story that you've seen before, but it's told with great confidence and economy. I looked up at twelve minutes and couldn't believe the whole table had been set. Kristen plays Ripley and projects a smart, benevolent poise.

36. The Lodge (Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala)- I prefer the grounded, manicured first half to the more fantastic second half. The craziness of the latter is only possible through the hard work of the former though. As with Fiala and Franz's previous feature, the visual rhymes and motifs get incorporated into the soup so carefully that you don't realize it until they overwhelm you in their bleak glory.

Small note: Alicia Silverstone, the male lead's first wife, and Riley Keough, his new partner, look sort of similar. I always think that's a nice note: "I could see how he would go for her."

35. Miss Americana (Lana Wilson)- I liked it when I saw it as a portrait of a person whose life is largely decided for her but is trying to carve out personal spaces within that hamster wheel. I loved it when I realized that describes most successful people in their twenties.

34. Sound of Metal (Darius Marder)- Riz Ahmed is showing up on all of the best performances of the year lists, but Sound of Metal isn't in anyone's top ten films of the year. That's about right. Ahmed's is a quiet, stubborn performance that I wish was in service of more than the straight line that we've seen before.

In two big scenes, there's this trick that Ahmed does, a piecing together of consequences with his eyes, as if he's moving through a flow chart in real time. In both cases, the character seems locked out and a little slower than he should be, which is, of course, why he's facing the consequences in the first place. To be charitable to a film that was a bit of a grind, it did make me notice a thing a guy did with his eyes.

33. Pieces of a Woman (Kornel Mundruczo)- Usually when I leave acting showcases like this, I imagine the film without the Oscar-baiting speeches, but this is a movie that specializes in speeches. Pieces of a Woman is being judged, deservedly so, by the harrowing twenty-minute take that opens the film, which is as indulgent as it is necessary. But if the unbroken take provides the "what," then the speeches provide the "why."

This is a film about reclaiming one's body when it rebels against you and when other people seek ownership of it. Without the Ellen Burstyn "lift your head" speech or the Vanessa Kirby show-stopper in the courtroom, I'm not sure any of that comes across.

I do think the film lets us off the hook a bit with the LaBoeuf character, in the sense that it gives us reasons to dislike him when it would be more compelling if he had done nothing wrong. Does his half-remembering of the White Stripes count as a speech?

32. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (George C. Wolfe)- This is such a play, not only in the locked-down location but also through nearly every storytelling convention: "Where are the two most interesting characters? Oh, running late? They'll enter separately in animated fashion?" But, to use the type of phrase that the characters might, "Don't hate the player; hate the game."

Perhaps the most theatrical note in this treatise on the commodification of expression is the way that, two or three times, the proceedings stop in their tracks for the piece to declare loudly what it's about. In one of those clear-outs, Boseman, who looks distractingly sick, delivers an unforgettable monologue that transports the audience into his character's fragile, haunted mind. He and Viola Davis are so good that the film sort of buckles under their weight, unsure of how to transition out of those spotlight moments and pretend that the story can start back up. Whatever they're doing is more interesting than what's being achieved overall.

31. Another Round (Thomas Vinterberg)- It's definitely the film that Vinterberg wanted to make, but despite what I think is a quietly shattering performance from Mikkelsen, Another Round moves in a bit too much of a straight line to grab me fully. The joyous final minutes hint at where it could have gone, as do pockets of Vinterberg's filmography, which seems newly tethered to realism in a way that I don't like. The best sequences are the wildest ones, like the uproarious trip to the grocery store for fresh cod, so I don't know why so much of it takes place in tiny hallways at magic hour. I give the inevitable American remake* permission to use these notes.

*- Just spitballing here. Martin: Will Ferrell, Nikolaj (Nick): Ben Stiller, Tommy: Owen Wilson, Peter: Craig Robinson

30. The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell)- Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.

I think a less conclusive finale would have been better, but what a model of high-concept escalation. This is the movie people convinced me Whannell's Upgrade was.

29. On the Rocks (Sofia Coppola)- Slight until the Mexican sojourn, which expands the scope and makes the film even more psychosexual than before. At times it feels as if Coppola is actively simplifying, rather than diving into the race and privilege questions that the Murray character all but demands.

As for Murray, is the film 50% worse without him? 70%? I don't know if you can run in supporting categories if you're the whole reason the film exists.

28. Mangrove (Steve McQueen)- The first part of the film seemed repetitive and broad to me. But once it settled in as a courtroom drama, the characterization became more shaded, and the filmmaking itself seemed more fluid. I ended up being quite outraged and inspired.

27. Shirley (Josephine Decker)- Josephine Decker emerges as a real stylist here, changing her foggy, impressionistic approach not one bit with a little more budget. Period piece and established actors be damned--this is still as much of a reeling fever dream as Madeline's Madeline. Both pieces are a bit too repetitive and nasty for my taste, but I respect the technique.

Here's my mandatory "Elisabeth Moss is the best" paragraph. While watching her performance as Shirley Jackson, I thought about her most famous role as Peggy on Mad Men, whose inertia and need to prove herself tied her into confidence knots. Shirley is almost the opposite: paralyzed by her worldview, certain of her talent, rejecting any empathy. If Moss can inhabit both characters so convincingly, she can do anything.

26. An American Pickle (Brandon Trost)- An American Pickle is the rare comedy that could actually use five or ten extra minutes, but it's a surprisingly heartfelt and wholesome stretch for Rogen, who is earnest in the lead roles.

25. The King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow)- At two hours and fifteen minutes, The King of Staten Island is probably the first Judd Apatow film that feels like the exact right length. For example, the baggy date scene between a gracious Bill Burr and a faux-dowdy Marisa Tomei is essential, the sort of widening of perspective that something like Trainwreck was missing.

It's Pete Davidson's movie, however, and though he has never been my cup of tea, I think he's actually quite powerful in his quiet moments. The movie probes some rare territory--a mentally ill man's suspicion that he is unlovable, a family's strategic myth-making out of respect for the dead. And when Davidson shows up at the firehouse an hour and fifteen minutes in, it feels as if we've built to a last resort.

24. Swallow (Carlo Mirabella-Davis)- The tricky part of this film is communicating Hunter's despair, letting her isolation mount, but still keeping her opaque. It takes a lot of visual discipline to do that, and Claudio Mirabella-Davis is up to the task. This ends up being a much more sympathetic, expressive movie than the plot description might suggest.

(In the tie dispute, Hunter and Richie are both wrong. That type of silk--I couldn't tell how pebbled it was, but it's probably a barathea weave-- shouldn't be ironed directly, but it doesn't have to be steamed. On a low setting, you could iron the back of the tie and be fine.)

23. The Vast of Night (Andrew Patterson)- I wanted a bit more "there" there; The film goes exactly where I thought it would, and there isn't enough humor for my taste. (The predictability might be a feature, not a bug, since the film is positioned as an episode of a well-worn Twilight Zone-esque show.)

But from a directorial standpoint, this is quite a promising debut. Patterson knows when to lock down or use silence--he even cuts to black to force us to listen more closely to a monologue. But he also knows when to fill the silence. There's a minute or so when Everett is spooling tape, and he and Fay make small talk about their hopes for the future, developing the characters' personalities in what could have been just mechanics. It's also a refreshingly earnest film. No one is winking at the '50s setting.

I'm tempted to write, "If Andrew Patterson can make this with $1 million, just imagine what he can do with $30 million." But maybe people like Shane Carruth have taught us that Patterson is better off pinching pennies in Texas and following his own muse.

22. Martin Eden (Pietro Marcello)- At first this film, adapted from a picaresque novel by Jack London, seemed as if it was hitting the marks of the genre. "He's going from job to job and meeting dudes who are shaping his worldview now." But the film, shot in lustrous Super 16, won me over as it owned the trappings of this type of story, forming a character who is a product of his environment even as he transcends it. By the end, I really felt the weight of time.

You want to talk about something that works better in novels than films though? When a passionate, independent protagonist insists that a woman is the love of his life, despite the fact that she's whatever Italians call a wet blanket. She's rich, but Martin doesn't care about her money. He hates her family and friends, and she refuses to accept him or his life pursuits. She's pretty but not even as pretty as the waitress they discuss. Tell me what I'm missing here. There's archetype, and there's incoherence.

21. Bacurau (Kleber Mendonca Filho and Juliano Dornelles)- Certain images from this adventurous film will stick with me, but I got worn out after the hard reset halfway through. As entranced as I was by the mystery of the first half, I think this blood-soaked ensemble is better at asking questions than it is at answering them.

20. Let Them All Talk (Steven Soderbergh)- The initial appeal of this movie might be "Look at these wonderful actresses in their seventies getting a movie all to themselves." And the film is an interesting portrait of ladies taking stock of relationships that have spanned decades. But Soderbergh and Eisenberg handle the twentysomething Lucas Hedges character with the same openness and empathy. His early reasoning for going on the trip is that he wants to learn from older women, and Hedges nails the puppy-dog quality of a young man who would believe that. Especially in the scenes of aspirational romance, he's sweet and earnest as he brushes his hair out of his face.

Streep plays Alice Hughes, a serious author of literary fiction, and she crosses paths with Kelvin Kranz, a grinder of airport thrillers. In all of the right ways, Let Them All Talk toes the line between those two stances as an entertaining, jaunty experiment that also shoulders subtextual weight. If nothing else, it's easy to see why a cruise ship's counterfeit opulence, its straight lines at a lean, would be visually engaging to Soderbergh. You can't have a return to form if your form is constantly evolving.

19. Dick Johnson Is Dead (Kirsten Johnson)- Understandably, I don't find the subject as interesting as his own daughter does, and large swaths of this film are unsure of what they're trying to say. But that's sort of the point, and the active wrestling that the film engages in with death ultimately pays off in a transcendent moment. The jaw-dropping ending is something that only non-fiction film can achieve, and Johnson's whole career is about the search for that sort of serendipity.

18. Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee)- Delroy Lindo is a live-wire, but his character is the only one of the principals who is examined with the psychological depth I was hoping for. The first half, with all of its present-tense flourishes, promises more than the gunfights of the second half can deliver. When the film is cooking though, it's chock full of surprises, provocations, and pride.

17. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (Eliza Hittmann)- Very quickly, Eliza Hittmann has established herself as an astute, empathetic director with an eye for discovering new talent. I hope that she gets to make fifty more movies in which she objectively follows laconic young people. But I wanted to like this one more than I did. The approach is so neutral that it's almost flat to me, lacking the arc and catharsis of her previous film, Beach Rats. I still appreciate her restraint though.

GREAT MOVIES

16. Young Ahmed (Jean-Pierre Dardenne and Luc Dardenne)- I don't think the Dardennes have made a bad movie yet, and I'm glad they turned away from the slight genre dipping of The Unknown Girl, the closest to bad that they got. Young Ahmed is a lean, daring return to form.

Instead of following an average person, as they normally do, the Dardenne Brothers follow an extremist, and the objectivity that usually generates pathos now serves to present ambiguity. Ahmed says that he is changing, that he regrets his actions, but we never know how much of his stance is a put-on. I found myself wanting him to reform, more involved than I usually am in these slices of life. Part of it is that Idir Ben Addi looks like such a normal, young kid, and the Ahmed character has most of the qualities that we say we want in young people: principles, commitment, self-worth, reflection. So it's that much more destructive when those qualities are used against him and against his fellow man.

15. World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime (Don Hertzfeldt)- My dad, a man whom I love but will never understand, has dismissed modern music before by claiming that there are only so many combinations of chords. To him, it's almost impossible to do something new. Of course, this is the type of thing that an uncreative person would say--a person not only incapable of hearing the chords that combine notes but also unwilling to hear the space between the notes. (And obviously, that's the take of a person who doesn't understand that, originality be damned, some people just have to create.)

Anyway, that attitude creeps into my own thinking more than I would like, but then I watch something as wholly original as World of Tomorrow Episode Three. The series has always been a way to pile sci-fi ideas on top of each other to prove the essential truths of being and loving. And this one, even though it achieves less of a sense of yearning than its predecessor, offers even more devices to chew on. Take, for example, the idea that Emily sends her message from the future, so David's primitive technology can barely handle it. In order to move forward with its sophistication, he has to delete any extraneous skills for the sake of computer memory. So out of trust for this person who loves him, he has to weigh whether his own breathing or walking can be uninstalled as a sacrifice for her. I thought that we might have been done describing love, but there it is, a new metaphor. Mixing futurism with stick figures to get at the most pure drive possible gave us something new. It's called art, Dad.

14. On the Record (Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering)- We don't call subjects of documentaries "stars" for obvious reasons, but Drew Dixon kind of is one. Her honesty and wisdom tell a complete story of the #MeToo movement. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering take their time developing her background at first, not because we need to "gain sympathy" or "establish credibility" for a victim of sexual abuse, but because showing her talent and enthusiasm for hip-hop A&R makes it that much more tragic when her passion is extinguished. Hell, I just like the woman, so spending a half-hour on her rise was pleasurable in and of itself.

This is a gut-wrenching, fearless entry in what is becoming Dick and Ziering's raison d'etre, but its greatest quality is Dixon's composed reflection. She helped to establish a pattern of Russell Simmons's behavior, but she explains what happened to her in ways I had never heard before.

13. David Byrne’s American Utopia (Spike Lee)- I'm often impressed by the achievements that puzzle me: How did they pull that off? But I know exactly how David Byrne pulled off the impish but direct precision of American Utopia: a lot of hard work.

I can't blame Spike Lee for stealing a page from Demme's Stop Making Sense: He denies us a close-up of any audience members until two-thirds of the way through, when we get someone in absolute rapture.

12. One Night in Miami... (Regina King)- We've all cringed when a person of color is put into the position of speaking on behalf of his or her entire race. But the characters in One Night in Miami... live in that condition all the time and are constantly negotiating it. As Black public figures in 1964, they know that the consequences of their actions are different, bigger, than everyone else's. The charged conversations between Malcolm X and Sam Cooke are not about whether they can live normal lives. They're way past that. The stakes are closer to Sam Cooke arguing that his life's purpose aligns with the protection and elevation of African-Americans while Malcolm X argues that those pursuits should be the same thing. Late in the movie, Cassius Clay leaves the other men, a private conversation, to talk to reporters, a public conversation. But the film argues that everything these men do is always already public. They're the most powerful African-Americans in the country, but their lives are not their own. Or not only their own.

It's true that the first act has the clunkiness and artifice of a TV movie, but once the film settles into the motel room location and lets the characters feed off one another, it's gripping. It's kind of unfair for a movie to get this many scenes of Leslie Odom Jr. singing, but I'll take it.

11. Saint Frances (Alex Thompson)- Rilke wrote, "Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." The characters' behavior in Saint Frances--all of these fully formed characters' behavior--made me think of that quotation. When they lash out at one another, even at their nastiest, the viewer has a window into how they're expressing pain they can't verbalize. The film is uneven in its subtlety, but it's a real showcase for screenwriter and star Kelly O'Sullivan, who is unflinching and dynamic in one of the best performances of the year. Somebody give her some of the attention we gave to Zach Braff for God's sake.

10. Boys State (Jesse Moss and Amanda McBaine)- This documentary is kind of a miracle from a logistical standpoint. From casting interviews beforehand, lots of editing afterwards, or sly note-taking once the conference began, McBaine and Moss happened to select the four principals who mattered the most at the convention, then found them in rooms full of dudes wearing the same tucked-in t-shirt. By the way, all of the action took place over the course of one week, and by definition, the important events are carved in half.

To call Boys State a microcosm of American politics is incorrect. These guys are forming platforms and voting in elections. What they're doing is American politics, so when they make the same compromises and mistakes that active politicians do, it produces dread and disappointment. So many of the boys are mimicking the political theater that they see on TV, and that sweaty sort of performance is going to make a Billy Mitchell out of this kid Ben Feinstein, and we'll be forced to reckon with how much we allow him to evolve as a person. This film is so precise, but what it proves is undeniably messy. Luckily, some of these seventeen-year-olds usher in hope for us all.

If nothing else, the film reveals the level to which we're all speaking in code.

9. The Nest (Sean Durkin)- In the first ten minutes or so of The Nest, the only real happy minutes, father and son are playing soccer in their quaint backyard, and the father cheats to score on a children's net before sliding on the grass to rub in his victory. An hour later, the son kicks the ball around by himself near a regulation goal on the family's massive property. The contrast is stark and obvious, as is the symbolism of the dead horse, but that doesn't mean it's not visually powerful or resonant.

Like Sean Durkin's earlier film, Martha Marcy May Marlene, the whole of The Nest is told with detail of novelistic scope and an elevation of the moment. A snippet of radio that mentions Ronald Reagan sets the time period, rather than a dateline. One kid saying "Thanks, Dad" and another kid saying, "Thanks, Rory" establishes a stepchild more elegantly than any other exposition might.

But this is also a movie that does not hide what it means. Characters usually say exactly what is on their minds, and motivations are always clear. For example, Allison smokes like a chimney, so her daughter's way of acting out is leaving butts on the window sill for her mother to find. (And mother and daughter both definitely "act out" their feelings.) On the other hand, Ben, Rory's biological son, is the character least like him, so these relationships aren't too directly parallel. Regardless, Durkin uses these trajectories to cast a pall of familial doom.

8. Sorry We Missed You (Sean Durkin)- Another precisely calibrated empathy machine from Ken Loach. The overwhelmed matriarch, Abby, is a caretaker, and she has to break up a Saturday dinner to rescue one of her clients, who wet herself because no one came to help her to the bathroom. The lady is embarrassed, and Abby calms her down by saying, "You mean more to me than you know." We know enough about Abby's circumstances to realize that it's sort of a lie, but it's a beautiful lie, told by a person who cares deeply but is not cared for.

Loach's central point is that the health of a family, something we think of as immutable and timeless, is directly dependent upon the modern industry that we use to destroy ourselves. He doesn't have to be "proven" relevant, and he didn't plan for Covid-19 to point to the fragility of the gig economy, but when you're right, you're right.

7. Lovers Rock (Steve McQueen)- swear to you I thought: "This is an impeccable depiction of a great house party. The only thing it's missing is the volatile dude who scares away all the girls." And then the volatile dude who scares away all the girls shows up.

In a year short on magic, there are two or three transcendent moments, but none of them can equal the whole crowd singing along to "Silly Games" way after the song has ended. Nothing else crystallizes the film's note of celebration: of music, of community, of safe spaces, of Black skin. I remember moments like that at house parties, and like all celebrations, they eventually make me sad.

6. Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Nicole Newnham and James Lebrecht)- I held off on this movie because I thought that I knew what it was. The setup was what I expected: A summer camp for the disabled in the late '60s takes on the spirit of the time and becomes a haven for people who have not felt agency, self-worth, or community anywhere else. But that's the right-place-right-time start of a story that takes these figures into the '80s as they fight for their rights.

If you're anything like my dumb ass, you know about 504 accommodations from the line on a college syllabus that promises equal treatment. If 2020 has taught us anything though, it's that rights are seized, not given, and this is the inspiring story of people who unified to demand what they deserved. Judy Heumann is a civil rights giant, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't know who she was before this film. If it were just a history lesson that wasn't taught in school, Crip Camp would still be valuable, but it's way more than that.

5. Palm Springs (Max Barbakow)- When explaining what is happening to them, Andy Samberg's Nyles twirls his hand at Cristin Milioti's Sara and says, "It's one of those infinite time-loop scenarios." Yeah, one of those. Armed with only a handful of fictional examples, she and the audience know exactly what he means, and the continually inventive screenplay by Andy Siara doesn't have to do any more explaining. In record time, the film accelerates into its premise, involves her, and sets up the conflict while avoiding the claustrophobia of even Groundhog Day. That economy is the strength that allows it to be as funny as it is. By being thrifty with the setup, the savings can go to, say, the couple crashing a plane into a fiery heap with no consequences.

In some accidental ways, this is, of course, a quarantine romance as well. Nyles and Sara frustratingly navigate the tedious wedding as if they are play-acting--which they sort of are--then they push through that sameness to grow for each other, realizing that dependency is not weakness. The best relationships are doing the same thing right now.

Although pointedly superficial--part of the point of why the couple is such a match--and secular--I think the notion of an afterlife would come up at least once--Palm Springs earns the sincerity that it gets around to. And for a movie ironic enough to have a character beg to be impaled so that he doesn't have to sit in traffic, that's no small feat.

4. The Assistant (Kitty Green)- A wonder of Bressonian objectivity and rich observation, The Assistant is the rare film that deals exclusively with emotional depth while not once explaining any emotions. One at a time, the scrape of the Kleenex box might not be so grating, the long hallway trek to the delivery guy might not be so tiring, but this movie gets at the details of how a job can destroy you in ways that add up until you can't even explain them.

3. Promising Young Woman (Emerald Fennell)- In her most incendiary and modern role, Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, which is short for Cassandra, that figure doomed to tell truths that no one else believes. The web-belted boogeyman who ruined her life is Al, short for Alexander, another Greek who is known for his conquests. The revenge story being told here--funny in its darkest moments, dark in its funniest moments--is tight on its surface levels, but it feels as if it's telling a story more archetypal and expansive than that too.

An exciting feature debut for its writer-director Emerald Fennell, the film goes wherever it dares. Its hero has a clear purpose, and it's not surprising that the script is willing to extinguish her anger halfway through. What is surprising is the way it renews and muddies her purpose as she comes into contact with half-a-dozen brilliant one- or two-scene performances. (Do you think Alfred Molina can pull off a lawyer who hates himself so much that he can't sleep? You would be right.)

Promising Young Woman delivers as an interrogation of double standards and rape culture, but in quiet ways it's also about our outsized trust in professionals and the notion that some trauma cannot be overcome.

INSTANT CLASSICS

2. Soul (Pete Docter)- When Pete Docter's Up came out, it represented a sort of coronation for Pixar: This was the one that adults could like unabashedly. The one with wordless sequences and dead children and Ed Asner in the lead. But watching it again this week with my daughter, I was surprised by how high-concept and cloying it could be. We choose not to remember the middle part with the goofy dog stuff.

Soul is what Up was supposed to be: honest, mature, stirring. And I don't mean to imply that a family film shouldn't make any concessions to children. But Soul, down to the title, never compromises its own ambition. Besides Coco, it's probably the most credible character study that Pixar has ever made, with all of Joe's growth earned the hard way. Besides Inside Out, it's probably the wittiest comedy that Pixar has ever made, bursting with unforced energy.

There's a twitter fascination going around about Dez, the pigeon-figured barber character whose scene has people gushing, "Crush my windpipe, king" or whatever. Maybe that's what twitter does now, but no one fantasized about any characters in Up. And I count that as progress.

1. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Charlie Kaufman)- After hearing that our name-shifting protagonist moonlights as an artist, a no-nonsense David Thewlis offers, "I hope you're not an abstract artist." He prefers "paintings that look like photographs" over non-representational mumbo-jumbo. And as Jessie Buckley squirms to try to think of a polite way to talk back, you can tell that Charlie Kaufman has been in the crosshairs of this same conversation. This morose, scary, inscrutable, expressionist rumination is not what the Netflix description says it is at all, and it's going to bother nice people looking for a fun night in. Thank God.

The story goes that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, when constructing Raiders of the Lost Ark, sought to craft a movie that was "only the good parts" with little of the clunky setup that distracted from action. What we have here is a Charlie Kaufman movie with only the Charlie Kaufman moments, less interested than ever before at holding one's hand. The biting humor is here, sometimes aimed at philistines like the David Thewlis character above, sometimes at the niceties that we insist upon. The lonely horror of everyday life is here, in the form of missed calls from oneself or the interruption of an inner monologue. Of course, communicating the overwhelming crush of time, both unknowable and familiar, is the raison d'etre.

A new pet motif seems to be the way that we don't even own our own knowledge. The Young Woman recites "Bonedog" by Eva H.D., which she claims/thinks she wrote, only to find Jake's book open to that page, next to a Pauline Kael book that contains a Woman Under the Influence review that she seems to have internalized later. When Jake muses about Wordsworth's "Lucy Poems," it starts as a way to pass the time, then it becomes a way to lord his education over her, then it becomes a compliment because the subject resembles her, then it becomes a way to let her know that, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't that special at all. This film jerks the viewer through a similar wintry cycle and leaves him with his own thoughts. It's not a pretty picture, but it doesn't look like anything else.

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ranma-rewatch · 4 years ago

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Episode 19: Clash of the Delivery Girls! The Martial Arts Takeout Race

It has been a heck of a week for me, how about all of you? But now it’s time to sit down and watch some Ranma 1/2, and this time we’re digging into season two, known here in the US as “Anything-Goes Martial Arts”. I actually do think I remember this episode, at least a little bit, though whether I liked it or not has been lost to my decaying neurons. Time to form a new opinion then, see you next paragraph!

I’ll be honest, that turned out better than expected. But before I get into that kind of stuff, let me talk about what happens in the episode. Sadly, starting with Season 2, they’ve added a little recap thing to the beginning of every episode. It’s the same animation and voice acting every time, just meant to catch up the viewer on the premise of the show. I hated it when I was younger, and I hate it more now. I have a hard time articulating why, it just rubs me the wrong way.

From there, the actual episode begins with a flashback to when Ranma was a baby, and his father carried him on his back in a martial arts pilgrimage. That turned out to be a bad idea, because at one point Genma was starving in an inhospitable wilderness. He did run into someone with food, and that someone also had a daughter around Ranma’s age. This man only agreed to share food with Genma in exchange for taking Ranma, so he’d have an heir to his school of martial arts. With pretty much no hesitation, Genma agreed, but later stole Ranma back when the man wasn’t looking.

It cuts to the present from there, where Ranma and his father are fighting over some pickles. This is interrupted when the man from the opening, Mr. Daikoku, shows up in a fancy car with his now teenage daughter, who is in a ceremonial bride’s dress. He hasn’t forgotten about the promise Genma made, and is ready to take Ranma to marry his daughter Kaori.

But Soun Tendo isn’t about to just let that happen, since Ranma is supposed to marry Akane. During the conversation there is a lot of bickering between all of them, much of it from Akane and Ranma about them even really being engaged, but Kaori can tell that Akane actually likes Ranma more than she says, and so challenges her to a contest for Ranma’s hand. There’s a Martial Arts Takeout Race going on soon, and the winner of that gets one year’s worth of ramen.

Even more than making sure Ranma and Akane get married, the chance to get all that free food nudges Soun and Genma into accepting the deal. It quickly turns out that may have been a bad idea, since Kaori removes the robe to reveal she is a powerful martial artist, specifically a master of Martial Arts Delivery.

It’s a chaotic race from there, but the long and short of it is that Kaori pulls out a bunch of secret techniques to try and win, including one that numbs Akane’s leg and another that strangles her neck with noodles until she forfeits. At that point, Ranma is seriously considering jumping into the fray to help, even though he’d sworn not to use his curse to enter the race. A nudge from his dad forces Ranma into water though, and from there Ranma and Akane work together to help her win. The Daikoku’s accept the defeat, the family has a bunch of ramen, and all’s well that ends well...at least until another man shows up claiming that Ranma is supposed to marry his daughter. Wap wap.

So, there wasn’t a ton of plot to speak of, but on the whole I quite liked this episode. First of all, it had a wacky energy to it unlike anything in the first season. The Martial Arts Gymnastic competition was the only thing that came close, but this episode from beginning to end moved at a quick pace, with lots of jokes, smooth(er than usual) animation, and a whole new over-the-top martial arts school. Not everything about it worked for me, some of the jokes felt like duds, but then there’s the Ramen Round-Up Noodle Noose, Akane skateboarding, and the fact that Genma sold Ranma for a single meal.

I am kind of sad I literally just did a Character Spotlight on Genma last episode, I should have waited. This is perhaps the first time we’ve really gotten a chance to see just how awful a father Genma can be. I love everyone’s reactions to the news of the trade as well, and Genma doesn’t even really have a defense for it. The interplay between him, Soun, and Mr. Daikoku was also just enjoyable.

Kaori Daikoku herself is also something interesting. Anime-only or not, she’s the first rival for Akane who was also bequeathed to Ranma by his father in the past, though she won’t be the last. Once she was in the fight, Kaori actually worked pretty well, for a single-episode character. I actually like her character design, and as silly as all her food attacks are, she uses them with a kind of ferocious glee that gives her a unique aura, even if she’s still not a particularly deep character.

It’s me, so I also have to comment on how much I liked the Ranma/Akane stuff in this episode, whether it was Kaori noticing that Akane doth protest too much, that Akane was actually arguing for marrying Ranma at one point in the big kerfuffle, or the ending tête-à-tête between them (though the shipping fodder there was a dub only line). Something about the teamwork they used to win at the end was adorable too.

As for my negatives, the big one is that, well, in any scene with a big crowd (and there were a few), the random people looked really bad. Or rather, they didn’t match the art style for the rest of the characters in this show, they felt like they were from a different show entirely. Another small one is that there was no opening theme, and that sucks because I was looking forward to covering it, but I’ll have to wait for it to actually be used in an episode. Other than that, my only other minor issues were the aforementioned jokes that didn’t land for me.

If it wasn’t obvious before, I am vibing with this episode. Not completely, but i was very unsure going in if I’d like it at all. It captured a kind of energy that I hadn’t realized I was missing, and was generally interesting enough that I’ll put it at #6 on my rankings, just above the second part of the Dr. Tofu mini-arc, and right behind the second episode, where Kuno was introduced.

Episode 7: Enter Ryoga, the Eternal ‘Lost Boy’

Episode 12: A Woman's Love is War! The Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Challenge!

Episode 15: Enter Shampoo, the Gung-Ho Girl! I Put My Life in Your Hands

Episode 9: True Confessions! A Girl's Hair is Her Life!

Episode 2: School is No Place for Horsing Around

Episode 19: Clash of the Delivery Girls! The Martial Arts Takeout Race

Episode 6: Akane's Lost Love... These Things Happen, You Know

Episode 13: A Tear in a Girl-Delinquent's Eye? The End of the Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics Challenge!

Episode 17: I Love You, Ranma! Please Don’t Say Goodbye

Episode 16: Shampoo's Revenge! The Shiatsu Technique That Steals Heart and Soul

Episode 8: School is a Battlefield! Ranma vs. Ryoga

Episode 11: Ranma Meets Love Head-On! Enter the Delinquent Juvenile Gymnast!

Episode 4: Ranma and...Ranma? If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

Episode 5: Love Me to the Bone! The Compound Fracture of Akane's Heart

Episode 1: Here’s Ranma

Episode 3: A Sudden Storm of Love

Episode 10: P-P-P-Chan! He's Good For Nothin'

Episode 14: Pelvic Fortune-Telling? Ranma is the No. One Bride in Japan

Episode 18: I Am a Man! Ranma's Going Back to China!?

Season 2 is here and there is so much more to see! We only had a break from her for two episodes, but next week is the start of a new arc that unveils the return of the amazon Shampoo, with “You Really Do Hate Cats!” What does that have to do with Shampoo? Well, you’ll just have to see next week, won’t you? Tschuss!

#episode 19 #Clash of the Delivery Girls! The Martial Arts Takeout Race #ranma 1/2 #ranma saotome #akane tendo #genma saotome #kaori daikoku #anime analysis #anime rewatch

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araminakilla · 6 years ago

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Faris D'jinn (long) appreciation post

Warning: If you don't like very long posts or deep analysis of a character or situations, maybe you want to skip this. But you are always welcome.

I will always say this: Treasure of the found lamp! is one of my favorites episodes of the Ducktales bomb (the other is Nothing can stop Della Duck!) I like the jokes, the journeys of the two groups, the cameos of different characters that appeared in Season One. But most of all... Him.

Faris D'jinn. Middle Eastern adventurer. Seeker of the lamp. Descendant of an actual genie and the amazing woman who freed him. Here are ten reasons (not counting the facts that he is a great swordman and a cool biker because everyone knows that) of why this warrior is one my favourite characters in the Ducktales universe:

1. He is not what he seems

The first time I saw this guy in the SDCC 2018, and the person presenting the characters said he was Dijon from the Ducktales movie, there were two different reactions from my part:

"OMG! They acknowledged the movie. That means Merlock is going to return!" And...

"This Dijon looks so COOL! But...he looks like a terrorist"

And before you sue and attack me, there are some comments in YouTube that reflected my thoughts. One of them said he looks like an ISIS member.

But I have investigated and I found out that in fact, there are some people that wear traditional black clothes in the Middle East and are NOT asociated with violence or radical groups. So, my bad people. I'm really ashamed for making this statement. I try to not be an ignorant of different cultures for reasons like this.

Anyway, those months I tried to stay positive that, if he was a bad guy, he could get a redemption arc. Because there's no way that this awesome Ducktales crew, that handles the Latino community very well, is going to portray arabs in a bad light, just like every old Hollywood productions (I'm looking at you, Aladdin)

And when the promo of Ducktales and Big Hero 6 appeared, with this warrior using his sword in front of a very scared Scrooge... well... I put my thoughts on another post, but I was a little concerned for the Middle Eastern representation.

Great was my surprise when I saw the episode for the first time. Let say that the power of the lamp wasn't the only plot twist of that episode.

2. He's so serious that it's funny

His single-minded quest for the lamp before the Ifrit's dawn (a fact that he monologued for 10 minutes without blinking) leaves him with no time to joke around, except everyone around him is a goof, and that makes him hilarous in a sense. Best demostrated when he answered ALL the riddles from a literal JOKE BOOK. He's so smart... yet so gullible that it's amazing. It's like he can't tell when someone is lying or making a joke... I don't know if that's possible. There's also his reaction at the "got your nose" prank which, honestly to me, was one of the best reactions EVER. Maybe it's how he screamed "monster!" and how he seems to really believe the creature got his nose. Truth to be to told, I was very surprised the first time I saw him laugh, that was something unexpected. And how the premise of the episode was him getting a family of adventuring Ducks, a greek Godness, a sea monster and a bunch of Beagles involved in a quest...to give himself a birthday present, like... Who gives himself a birthday present? (Really, I don't know someone who does that)

3. He is grateful even with enemies

He defeated Charybdis and the poor monster was whipped and given the beat of his life because he wanted to help Scrooge and Webby with the phony quest, and the first thing the warrior does is thanking him and saying that he will be remembered in the story of the lamp. That impressed me... And somehow made worth all the pain that Charybdis had. The same happened with the "Minotaur" and Ma Beagle (the little bow that he made is priceless). Many people would mock their defeated enemies and give them zero respect... but not him. That was so honorable, it reminded me of how Medieval Knights act, which would be discussed in the seventh point of this post.

4. He forgave the Ducks easily

"Djinn, I'm sorry I tricked you. If I'd known what was at stake..."

"Another chapter in the legend. A final trial before we find the lamp! It's all part of the journey!"

Like wow... That was something I was NOT expecting, because I wouldn't expect a guy who was shouting and slicing things all day to be that... nice. And maybe that could be because there was no time in the episode for the liar revealed drama. But the points D'jinn made about why he forgave Scrooge make total sense. He loves adventures and journeys, he likes to write in a scroll about the trials he had, so he instead took the positives aspects that the phony quest had and continue with his life. Now that's something you don't see very often. Instead of swearing revenge and dedicate his time ruining someone's life (I'm looking at you Glomgold, Magica, Negaduck and other villains) he forgave the Ducks, focused on the present and keep only the most important facts. I like that way of thinking.

5. He has a deep love for his family's history (and his heritage and bloodline)

He comes from a family that, as far as I'm concerned, keeps the stories of their past alive, passing them to the next generations. It's been ten generations since the genie was freed. What the ex-magical creature got was more valuable that having phenomenal cosmic powers: A loving wife and many descendants who remember them with such passion, and now one of said descendants, fascinated by their love story has adquired the "totem that started it all". I heard that arabs in particular are family oriented people, they would do ANYTHING for their loved ones, and that's the first time I saw that in a cartoon (at least in a Disney cartoon, the other example that is Non-Disney is the Oscar nominated "The Breadwinner", which I recommend you guys have to see it, it's so good)

D'jinn made a long journey from the Middle East to America (at least I think Duckburg is in America) for a powerless lamp because of it's sentimental value, which leads us to the next point...

6. He is a sentimental guy

You wouldn't expect a tough, serious and to some extent dangerous guy to have powerful feelings like love? Right? Think again. There's a reason of why the call D'jinn (and his VA, Omid Abtahi) a cinnamon roll. He has strong emotions, that is (I think) one of the reasons of why he's so dramatic. It's part of his personality. In fact, his volatile personality (using many times his sword, cutting things, flipping a table) has a solid base of why it is the way it is. I'm not saying that destroying the couch and threatening the Duck family is not wrong, I'm saying this because this is NOT a matter of the "He's an arab and all arabs are volatile/barbaric/will scream and attack you 'cause that is their nature" thing that all the Hollywood movies I saw (at least the examples I saw in the documentary "Reel Bad Arabs") have. No sir, this is different.

And talking about Arab stereotypes...

7. He's a HUGE improvement from the Ducktales movie and series

Back in 1990, he was Dijon, a thief and mook to Merlock, the Big Bad Wolf of the Movie. He was funny and the interactions he had with Scrooge in the movie and the series are funnier (Also, did you know that the last words Scrooge said in the series was "Dijon!" because the duck was running towards him 'cause he stole his watch?)

But, as the Nostalgia Critic put it in his review of the Ducktales Movie

"I don't know... Is this considered racist now? Yes, he has an accent and is a thief..."

He's fine as a comic relief, but nothing makes him different from the Crows of Dumbo, or the Indians of Peter Pan, or the Siamese cats of Lady and the Tramp, or...

Honest Trailer's guy: Stop it!

OK ok. The point it's... The Ducktales reboot did it again. They took a not so well liked character from the '87 series and made him/her a lovable character, like Mamá Cabrera (I swear, she's also mi mamá now)

Now he's honorable, charming, etc (and yes, those words are from a YouTuber reviewer) But specialy, they changed his name to Faris D'jinn which not only sounds more arabic, but also foreshadows his relationship with a genie. Plus, Faris means "Knight" in arabic, which describes what he is and how he acts perfectly.

8. He's different but at the same time just like everyone else

Gif belongs to @i-mostly-reblog-things

Yeah, he looks different, speaks with an accent that's not American, has a different mindset about things in life and maybe that could come from the country he's been raised, or his family or maybe he decide to be the way he is on his own accord. But, as an lesson learned in the episode "The Depths of cousin Fethry!"

Just because something or someone is different doesn't mean is bad.

True, D'jinn didn't make a first good impresion with the Duck family, except from Webby (You go girl! It seems that she has a talent to see edgy but misunderstood people and give them a chance) but at the end everyone was celebrating his birthday with him. They give him a cake! This small but powefull gesture made me 100% convinced that, even with flaws and conflicts, they are the perfect family. It still surprises me that the crew of Ducktales and Disney would make a scene like that. If someone told me a year ago that they would make a scene with: An arab. Dressed with traditional clothes (turban and all). Wearing all black. Celebrating his/her birthday with an American (Scotish in Scrooge's case) Family, I would have laugh and say: Yeah, sure, like they would actualy show that.

But they did it and I couldn't be more happy.

Just a pause from this Ducktales' post

Some of you could be thinking as you read this: "Nice that your people are shown in a positive way"

The thing is... I'm not arab. I'm a latinoamerican who just happens to love Middle Eastern cultures. My country isn't very prejuiced towards Middle Eastern people (maybe because there's a few of them) but I have come from a long way. To being sure that everything there was just sand and violence to wanting to visit some of the many wonders that the East has to give, meet people and learn their point of view. I think everyone should do that at some point, instead of, you know, getting all your arab information from Hollywood movies and concluding that everything would be better if the Middle Easterns were dead. As this quote from the YouTube Documentary "Reel bad Arabs" states:

"We feel that Arabs are not like us, are not like everyone else, then let's kill them off, then they deserve to die, right?"

The thing is, they are more similar that we think, it's just that the international media doesn't show that... until now.

And going back with Ducktales

Yeah, this dude looks different, but he laughs, feels, and enjoys having a great time just like everyone else.

It's the same that is happening with Fenton and the latino representation. D'jinn is a hero who happens to be arab. A dramatic warrior. A family values man. A great allie, friend and who knows what many things more. He, and other Ducktales characters, have so many layers that it's incredible. Just like people, you can't define someone only from their personality or their race. There are so many things that make a person unique. D'jinn broke the expectations I had for him (or he sliced them with his sword) for the better.

9. He's better than Aladdin in many ways

By starters, the voice actors. Aladdin's VA is American and has an American accent in the movie. D'jinn's VA is Omid Abtahi, born in Iran, a Middle Eastern actor. And I'm not saying arab because Irani people are not Arabs (correct me if I'm wrong). Omid doesn't have an accent, as far as I know, but I think it's a nice detail to have the warrior being voiced by someone who comes from the same place. Then, we have the fact that Aladdin lied to almost everyone and D'jinn was a victim of a lie. True, the Ducks assumed he was going to kill them all (and for a good reason) but a lie is still a lie. I don't know many things about Middle Eastern clothes and fashion in the past and the present, but I can tell you will find (maybe traditional) people who wears something more close to D'jinn than Aladdin, and I'm pretty sure the warrior would free a genie if he has the chance because he's a descendant of one. But apart from their differences, both are really good people with a big heart and a kind soul, it's just that we find out Aladdin is good in the beggining of the movie with the bread and orphans scene and with D'jinn almost in the end of the episode, because to be honest, I was expecting him to be lying about wanting to protect the lamp and instead working for the new Merlock, since that was his role in the original movie. Many of us expected a lying thief, but instead we got another Diamond in the Rough.

10. He is a key for one of Scrooge's character developments

Gif belongs to @everythingducktales

The richest duck in the World was SO impressed by the warrior's story that he opened a museum of valuable artifacts so he can share his stories with his family and the world. Let's repeat that. Scrooge McDuck, a very famous, very important and proud adventurer took the advice of a stranger (he also was 100% sure this stranger would kill him and his family if he doesn't get what he wants) because he saw his "human" side, a family side that made the duck realize "maybe we are not so different after all".

Not even the Buzzards (people who worked with Scrooge for who knows what many years) were capable of convincing Scrooge to do some of their plans (but lets be honest, their plans are awful)

That made him be more open about his adventures, his past experiences and his treasures, each one with a unique story. Maybe that would prevent unfortunate yard sales in the future.

Bonus:

11. He is going to return

It is confirmed in one of Frank Angones' posts that he is going to appear in the future, maybe as an allie of the Duck family in an adventure. Or who knows? Maybe they can recruit him as a member of a superheroes team along with Gizmoduck, Darkwing Duck and others. Plus, I want to see him interact with Launchpad and Donald.

That would be all... for now.

#ducktales #ducktales 2017 #ducktales 2019 #ducktales season 2 #treasure of the found lamp #disney aladdin #aladdin #the breadwinner #reel bad arabs #scrooge mcduck #mcduck family #ducktales dijon #ducktales djinn #faris djinn #i can't wait to see him again #i just hope he doesn't pull a jim startling on us #He turning to the dark side is the last thing I would want #Ducktales the movie #representation matters

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hollyplays · 6 years ago

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The Roundup: June 2018

Look, I’m as shocked as you are. I had no idea that last month when I set up a recurring feature, I’d actually be able to stick to it. It turns out that once a month is way more feasible for me than once a week (like Bargain Bin or Album of the Week, god rest their souls). Maybe I’ll try for every two weeks with some different features.

It’s been a really hard few weeks. Not for me necessarily, but for the world at large, shit sucks. Being constantly angry and vigilant is exhausting, but not being angry feels irresponsible. I want to write about the things I love for you all to read, but it all feels so unimportant in the face of this goddamn administration.

So, to keep both of us balanced, with every entry on the Roundup this month I’ll include One (1) horrifying fact about the world today, and One (1) extremely good fact about the world today. Hope you enjoy.

Hausu: I thought I knew the basic premise of this movie (a realistic fantasy about the atomic bomb) and I was extremely, extremely wrong. Part of me wished someone had told me just how weird and silly and somber this movie was going to be, but I’m honestly glad I didn’t know. I won’t spoil too much of it for you, but suffice to say this is NOT a realistic fantasy in any way. Almost nothing about this movie is realistic. A man gets turned into bananas, for christ’s sake.

Mitch McConnell stole a Supreme Court seat, and it seems unlikely that the Democratic party will attempt to steal Kennedy’s back.

Otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t drift apart.

Splatoon 2’s Octo Expansion: I loved Splatoon 2’s main story, so I was very much looking forward to this. The entire aesthetic of it is slick and charming as hell- I love the idea of exploring a rundown subway line and uncovering different weird sea creatures, but the actual missions were hit and miss for me. It was a toss-up each mission if you were going to get “inventive level design” or “difficulty for difficulty’s sake”. The 8 Ball levels were absolutely fantastic, and just the right level of challenging, but every single ‘ride the rails’ level was hell. It’s hard to be mad about 80+ levels for 20 bucks, plus a new character model, but I felt like the Splatoon team vastly overestimated the skill level of most of their players. I skipped the majority of the latter half of the expansion, and it feels super frustrating to not be able to play the game I bought.

There are currently state-sponsored concentration camps all throughout the southern U.S.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a young socialist, just ousted the chair of the Democratic Caucus.

Incredibles 2: The Incredibles is my favorite Disney movie, bar none, so I had pretty high hopes for The Incredibles 2. I’m not sure it reached them, but that has more to do with me than the movie itself. I digress; this movie kicked ass. The animation was gorgeous and beautiful, and the philosophy behind it was a huge step up from the accidentally-objectivist plot of the first one. The focus on Elastigirl was much appreciated this round, and actually seeing Bob struggling with fatherhood was really enjoyable. This is an excellent follow-up to The Incredibles, and one of my favorite Pixar movies to date.

There are currently two living white rhinos, both in captivity.

Science has proven your cat genuinely loves you.

Black Bolt: I really, really loved Saladin Ahmed’s 12 issue Black Bolt run. Christian Ward’s art is as vibrant and beautiful here as it is in ODY-C, and that space-opera feeling serves the Inhumans so, so well. Black Bolt is a really interesting character, and I feel like Ahmed and Ward did him justice. I was a little bummed when the art style switched over during issue 7 and Frazier Irving took over- not because I missed Ward, but because the almost impressionistic style of Irving was really beautiful and fit the story’s shift in setting, but didn’t stick around for the rest of the run. I also thought the ending was a little rushed- I enjoyed it still, but I would have liked a few more issues to pad out Black Bolt and Blinky’s story. I know this is comic books, so it probably continues in some other series, but still.

If Trump gets the second supreme court seat, he can make gay marriage illegal again.

Cows are known to have best friends.

Jabberwocky: I really wanted to like this movie. I love almost every Monty Python production (lookin at you, Meaning of Life), and the concept seemed like a knockout. Unfortunately, the end result is just…boring. There’s very few jokes, and even fewer worth laughing at. I think I only genuinely laughed once, during a scene with a catapult and a murderous religious fanatic. I had really high hopes for Jabberwocky, and it’s hard to imagine more ways it could have been disappointing.

They’re going to keep making Jurassic World movies.

There’s a video of Kermit The Frog singing Talking Heads’ Same As It Ever Was

The Vision: I’ve read Tom King and Gabriel Hernandez’ The Vision three times now, and I never love it less. It’s genuinely imepeccable. It’s one of the only superhero comics I’ve read that feels like literature. It’s about synthezoids and Ultron and Victor Mancha and a bright green dog and it feels like fucking Shakespeare. I love it so, so much, and I keep coming back to it. Also Viv Vision is the greatest character in anything ever and I love her so much.

We’ll never get to see Edgar Wright’s Ant-Man.

By all reviews, Ant Man & The Wasp is a much better movie than Ant Man.

Mamma Mia: This is a cheerful fuckin movie. This is the kind of movie we need right now. Just great acting, silly writing, and ABBA. I’ve been listening to Mamma Mia and Super Trouper on repeat since I saw it. There’s some genuine tearjerker stuff here, naturally, but by and large this movie is fucking saccharine. Can’t recommend it enough.

Children as young as three are being separated at the border and forced to represent themselves at deportation hearings.

Mamma Mia 2 exists, and will be in theaters shortly.

Dr. Strangelove: This is another movie I wanted to like more than I did, but I certainly liked it more than Jabberwocky. I didn’t really appreciate this movie until after I saw it because I didn’t even realize Peter Sellers is 3 different characters! I genuinely had no idea. Dr. Strangelove is interesting mostly because of how it well it balances its cynicism with its laugh-out-loud moments. There are bits in this movie I’m still quoting, and that’s as good an endorsement as any.

Its entirely possible that Roe v. Wade will be overturned.

Modders are hard at work to make Zelda fully playable in Breath of the Wild.

#holly plays #holly talks #the roundup #june 2018

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gay4xmas · 4 years ago

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this is a long post so the review for staging coffee is under the line. also unless you guys watch this movie you’ll have no context and i just love that for you.

do so her job is to just stage houses, not really interior design, so how is she allowed just do something that’s not really her job?

“what’s the christmas warehouse?” idk bitch maybe a warehouse for christmas shit???

stickers? shouldn’t it be like a scanner? that would way easier. also someone else could just remove the sticker or it could damage the item. maybe i’m thinking too much.

also dead wife, naturally

duh ofc you’re out of stickers. she gave you one sheet with only like 20 stickers

this guy is rich, rich. he can afford to buy everything all in one go. his head has got to go lol

this guy’s sister, nikky, is a lesbian and she has a gf but imagine how funny it would be if the sister swooped in and stole his girl

they just meet and they’re already in love.

bro let homeboy take his time. if he doesn’t wanna date, he doesn’t have to. even tho they’re gonna fall in love by the end

she’s only staging this house so she can possibly get a promotion. she’s in the running against two other people. the original venue was over booked so she wants to use this house for the party and impress her boss. imagine if she just took the promotion but ofc she won’t take it.

also her boss is urkel

they’re too happy i don’t like it. i know that’s the point but damn

do you have a good nose?

ohh they live in colorado? guess the christmas tree isn’t the only trees they got lol

little girl, but she is a stranger you can’t just invite her to christmas.

oh yes please play the piano in a random fucking diner. let me eat in peace. i will kill you.

uh sir, you can’t just play the piano. you’re gonna have to stop or you’ll be escorted off the premises.

is jingle bells public domain?

what if during this movie they played the inc*st coffee commercial

we never see the aftermath of these movies, so what if after they date for a bit but break up lol

lame joke booo. said better not say my name cuz i don’t want the paparazzi to know

key to the house oohh lesbians

that coffee cup is empty and we all know it

yes you complete stranger, please go comfort my kid who is sad about her dead mom 🙄

how important is christmas to people that they decorate their bedrooms? like the rest of the house makes sense but bedroom? why?

also lori also has a dead mom. two dead mom alert. i probably shouldn’t joke too much about this since my mom is still alive

they’re house is like a mcmansion and it’s so ugly

why would you tell a stranger they’d make a good mom? you don’t know. just cuz he’s nice to your kid.

he did interject and say if that’s whay you want. ofc. feminist king

how is a stranger allowed to go to the kid’s school?

like she’s just the decorator. not even the girlfriend

what if this was all in act cuz she’s doing her job? like ofc she’s gonna be nice. it’s not like she’s gonna be a dick to the people paying her.

like like him, what are we 3rd graders?

that’s a shit job on the cinnamon latte art lol

okay but it would be cute to go on a date with someone who owned a coffee shop and you do a tasting. i don’t like coffee tho so it’d had to be tea or something else

coffee snob

you don’t have to close your eyes to drink coffee, ma’am.

why are you standing at the counter. sit down.

it’s like 9 o’clock at night and they’re drinking so much coffee

dude can you not read? the sign says they’re closed. i think it’s against the law to lock the doors when there are people inside, even employees, but bro you’re the ceo. i’m sure it’s okay. especially for a date.

bro they’re gonna slip on ice. he can close his eyes at the door and wait for the surprise when he’s not walking on an icy sidewalk.

since lifetime also makes darker movies with heavier themes, i want to see a christmas movie that’s more dramatic than just a fun romance movie.

like she got him a piano and he used to play a lot but stopped when his wife died. and even tho he seemed happy to play at the diner but what if he just hated it and got mad cuz it just made him miss his wife. even tho she’s been gone 3 years. he could still miss her and get depressed about her.

coffee is gross anyway who cares lol

are you telling me this guy owns a chain of coffee shops but is just now selling different flavoured coffees like cinnamon vanilla lattes? lol you’re shit at your job. how do you have a high demand?

oh no there’s a storm coming. it’s just a snow storm. nothing too dramatic

he walks weird haha

mutual pining

imagine the fanfic for this

honestly the decoration for this house is not as homey as it’s meant to be. looks like furniture display

also she had a slowmo enterance lol

those are clearly not his hands playing the piano. they look like old man hands.

they’re in colorado so there’s no way that there isn’t at least one person who’s baked off their ass. i bet half the catering staff is stoned.

she took the promotion y’all. and he got sad.

y’all just met

she’s gonna bail on her new promotion.

not the love interest giving a side character the exact kind of advice that they really need

i don’t know how cold colorado gets, but girl why are you going outside when there’s a snow storm coming

“i can’t let you leave without telling you i’m in love with you” you’ve only know her for like a week and she just took a promotion. that’s weird as hell, bro.

“i just needed you to know” man, you say that, maybe, maybe if you’ve been dating for a minute not just knowing for a week

so the kid just came inside from playing in the snow and she just walked in with all her snow gear on. girl you’ve just tracked snow all over this house, clean it up.

his kid just read him. oh you were so sad dad it was depressing.

since she got promoted, her like assistant will be taking over. so we know she’s not taking the job, so does that mean that her assistant will also lose her new job? lol selfish

if my best friend got promoted and then they told me that they were falling in love with someone they haven’t know for very long, i would punch them. go to your new in new york. it’s nyc i didn’t mention but c’mon. new york!

yeah lori helped you fill your house with christmas cuz that’s her job.

this kid’s writing skills is shit

this kid just named her dog after the diner they went to. imagine naming your dog denny’s or ihop lol

actually ihop would be a cute name especially if the dog was missing legs

girl get new york dick. dude’s a republican senator. you know it’s weak

honestly, i’d give this movie 2/5. it was fun to roast but nothing else. ofc it’s just a tv christmas movie. i’m not expecting much.

#staging christmas #lifetime #lifetime christmas movies #lifetime original movies #long post

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smolbeandrabbles · 6 years ago

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Sway Pt.4 - Danny Rayburn x Reader (Bloodline)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Here / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10

Author’s Note: Hello! As Promised! This was also meant to be Part 3 so this is NOT the Part 4 that I had to write twice!! I had a hard time finding lyrics I liked for this one... Then had a day where nothing but great lyrics came up on shuffle (oh the dilemma!) ... The reason that there is all the back and forth over her/you wearing stripes is because in my head every time I see your character she’s wearing stripes in some form. I’m really just calling myself out!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but “You” and my OCs. I don’t know how to drive a boat, or if the yacht I’m describing needs a crew (probably does)... Let me live a little in my fantasy land - Thank You! This all takes place in a single day, so no time markers this part.

Premise: A yachting trip out of Miami leads to you finally learning about Danny’s past...

Word Count: 8303 (see why it needed to be split?)

Warnings: Sexual Pre-Amble/Things get steamy... I can’t write smut, so this is as good as I give! Danny’s backstory is pretty prominent (nearly 1000 words of this)... Sarah’s death, his injury... everything...

And I ain’t been the same again, since you rolled in out of the blue, And I’ll never forget it, that moment when… I could feel the tide start turnin’, There was something different ‘bout the current, You were moving in so fast, I was frozen there in your path, Knew you were the one when I saw ya, Loved the way the sun looked on ya, So baby ‘til it breaks let’s take it all the way, Cuz lovin’ you is catching the perfect wave…

----

You're crashin' into me like waves on the coast Every time we talk, you move in close I don't want you stop, I don't want you to stop tonight We've got the last two glasses on a straw hut bar… String of white lights making your eyes shine tonight…

Your skin is begging to be kissed by a little more than the sun You take my hand in yours, you lean in and Your lips taste like sangria

Only thing I wanna do tonight, Is Drink you like a Spanish wine, Let you let this head of mine, Keep spinnin’ Spinnin’ around

You had arranged to meet Danny down by Miami waterfront this morning. He was taking an unusually large amount of days off for you and you weren’t sure if that was a good influence or not. Only, sometimes when you turned up at the restaurant Javi and Jason jokingly begged you to take Danny on another date somewhere so they would have a break from him. Sometimes these jokes resulted in Danny laughing… sometimes the boys both ended up with bruises. Today you were going to take him out on the water – you figured if he wasn’t going to take you out from Rayburn House any time soon, that you would simply take him out on a boat yourself.

You were checking your watch just as he strolled into view, bag over his shoulder, you’d asked him to come prepared – it looked like he’d heeded that... And right on time! He looked at you for a second, then a clever little smirk crossed his face as he pointed to your shirt of choice; “Sorry?? Almost didn’t recognise you without stripes!” “Oh shut up!!” Though he had you laughing. “See! I took it to heart!” He pointed at himself “I’m not wearing a shirt over a shirt! Just a T-shirt! Are you satisfied?” You folded your arms and leant back to give him the same up and down look he was always giving you – with a smirk “Not until it’s on the floor of my yacht. No.” “Oh.” And his face almost conveyed shock. “Well if that’s how you want it.” You feigned innocence, “What do you mean? We’re going swimming right!? Time to put your money where your mouth is ‘strongest swimmer in the Keys’.” You winked, turning back down the pier you walked passed him, but looked him up and down again as you brushed your arm against his “But… I guess I could go for a bit of that.”

He started off down the pier to the smaller boats making you clear your throat “What are you..?” He pointed “You said boat!” “Yeah I did. You’re going the wrong way.” He looked to the yachts, all gleaming bright white in the Miami sun, all owned by millionaires. “You can’t be serious!” “I am.” “Your family owns one of these?!” “Two of these. My dad is in negotiation for like a liner type party boat... he doesn’t know if he’ll get it. The smaller one is pretty neat, then there’s the bigger one. Kinda modest, all the amenities. Doesn’t need a whole lot of crew to run.” He was still staring at the yachts in disbelief; “So, you in, Rayburn?” “Y-Yeah!” He hopped back up onto the jetty and you walked him a few rows down and then down another pier. On any given day people would be lounging around on here looking like they were on a modelling shoot or a music video. It only ever made you roll your eyes.

Eventually you stopped and Danny had a hard time taking it all in; “You sure this doesn’t need a crew?!” “Sometimes it would have one. Is that what you really want?!” “No. Not particularly I just ...” He made a sweeping gesture, “is it big enough?!” You walked across the gangplank “Yeah... possibly...” The several people who were finishing prepping the boat hopped across, greeting you in Spanish. After a quick conversation they took their leave ready to unmoor the boat at your discretion. Danny followed you across. “Welcome aboard Mr.Rayburn.” You took the stairs, keys in hand “Get settled in.” “Where we going?” “Not too far out, within a safe swimming zone...” You knew the perfect spot of clear water that still gave a spectacular view of the city. “Hey... Y/N! I was just thinking... there’s a marina up a little I think can take this boat.” “Yeah??” You inserted the key into the ignition “What about it?” “Well... there’s actually a restaurant there I’d love to take you too...” You smiled and turned the key as he ascended to join you. Now on the boat Danny could get an idea of the true scale... How much bigger could your Dad want to go? Having said that, scanning around, there were boats in the marina that still dwarfed this one. You gave the signal and the boat was unmoored, grinning you waved and yelled down; “Gracias Ignacio!” “De Nada Y/N!! Enjoy your trip!”

“You know what you’re doing right.” “Why, you wanna drive?” “My family own a boat!” “I know. It’s like the first thing my dad said.” So you let him help you guide her out onto open water and then you were cruising. “If you get a map and mark up your marina we’ll work it out, otherwise I got no plans.” “Can you get dressed up for this?” You raised an eyebrow at him curiously “Can you?” “…I was plannin’ on taking you somewhere when we got back, but if we can get out of Miami why not... y’know.” “I’ll have to check the wardrobe downstairs. I’m sure there’s something appropriate.” “Wardrobe?!” “Babe. Yeah, there’s a bedroom... look at this thing!” “So you weren’t kidding?” You smirked “Nope! But lemme get somewhere quiet first...” “That doesn’t sound like we’ll be in a bedroom” “Just once? Aw, Danny you sure know how to show a girl a good time” “And you should know not to say that to me Y/N” You couldn’t help but smirk behind your shades again as that edge to his voice came back. “Pretty sure that’s why I say it.” “So you’re telling me you like being a blushing mess? That can easily be arranged...” He walked up behind you, he got close, close enough for you to feel his body heat, he swept your hair to one side and then placed his hands on your waist; his grip was firm as his kissed you neck. At first you laughed, but as he put more pressure on your hips and grazed his teeth against your skin it turned into a sigh. “You probably shouldn’t do that when I’m driving.” If you lost focus you weren’t sure you had the nautical skills to get yourself back on track... and you weren’t too sure what Danny’s were yet.

***

Finally you found it, slowing the boat down to a complete and gentle stop. “Voila!” He was sitting with his head tipped back, sunning himself but he swivelled to look back at Miami; “Okay. This is pretty good!” “Only pretty good.” You set about dropping the anchor “Look at the water!!” He removed his shades and leant over the railing, met by such a beautiful deep blue and nearly crystal clear. The sand dunes here were a little higher making for a shallower stretch of water. To not bank the boat also meant you knew what you were doing.

“Gorgeous.” He smiled turning back to you “You’ve outdone yourself.” “Guess I like to try... for you...” You sat down and wound your arms around him, resting your head against his chest. He wound an arm around your shoulders and kissed your forehead gently. “‘Bout time I really thanked you for that...” “You do thank me for that... you just don’t realise you’re doing it...” You inhaled deeply, taking him in again. You thought back to that very first shirt and then tried to think of the countless others you’d stolen from him - it made you giggle and then sigh; “Can’t we just stay here forever?? Just take Nolan and go...” “Your parents would miss you too much... and with the restaurant I...” He tipped his head “... maybe one day. It’s not like I couldn’t see myself doing it...”

***

You spent a lot of time sunning yourselves up on the top deck, the only sound that of the sea and only motion the rock of the boat. Danny was plenty happy with this until you stole his Raybans. Then started laughing hysterically; "Oh that’s clever! Rayburn Raybans!" The look on his face remained less than impressed but didn't deter your laughter.

As the heat of the day really set in you both escaped onto the shaded lower level of the boat. You uncorked a bottle of wine and talked. Turned out that it didn't really matter how much time Danny and you spent together, you could talk about literally anything. Sometimes you thought that was because you just liked listening to his voice. Danny loved telling stories; you weren't sure he loved talking, and he wasn't the type of person that loved the sound of his own voice but he had so many stories... And each story he told could make you feel so much. His voice was cool and soothing and sometimes he poured sugar and could give you just the right look to almost drive you crazy...

Today you were just as into telling stories as he was; you were telling him about your first foray into dancing because of watching your parents, and how long it had taken you to find just the right piece of music, when you remembered something. "OH! Hang on a minute...!" You realised you'd stopped mid-story but this was suddenly so much more important. You ran back with your ipod and speakers, plugging it in you turned back to him, taking a breath at your admittance "I - Urhm- God this sounds so stupid now I think on it... I uh, haha... I... I kinda might have made us a playlist..." This piqued his interest "You made me a playlist?" You nodded enthusiastically, encouraged by his response. He laughed "No one has ever made me a playlist before..." He waved his hand at your modern technology "Aren't playlists supposed to be on mixtapes?" "...Yeah, when my parents were making them!" You folded your arms "Aw! C'mon Danny you're not THAT old." "Ow!" He gave you a look "No, c'mon, it's gotta be on tape!" "Does it matter what it's on!?... Will you let me play it?" "Go ahead" he nodded "Please do! I'm, kinda honored!" "Despite the fact it isn't on tape?" You teased, scrolling to shuffle it. "...Well, I'm equally scared..." The first song started playing, making him tilt his head "This sounds very Little Havana dance music to me..." You shrugged "It might kinda also be my dance fantasy playlist..." He put his glass down "You think about that?" You had him laughing again as he stood "You fantasise about dancing with me?" "I think you just like hearing me say it..." You let him take you in his arms and find a rhythm to the music "...When I watched my parents out on that dancefloor I used to always wonder when I would find someone who would know me that well... Who would command that floor with me; two halves of the same whole...With you, it’s different. But... I think I finally found him." You gave him your best teasing smile "So, if you think I don't fantasise about the way you choose to hold me when we dance.... Then you're missing out on what I'm thinking."

****

"You ever think about swimming out here?" "No, I’m wearing a bikini for NO reason, Danny." He turned from looking at the clear water and eyed you up and down "No. You're wearing shorts and a man’s shirt." "It's called OVERSIZED and it’s a fashion trend, it’s not a man’s shirt!" He laughed and turned back to the water; “You're just jealous it's not yours." You could tell by the way his shoulders tensed and his stance changed that you'd hit a nerve. This time he turned back slowly. However, as he did so you were shimmying your shorts off of your hips and unbuttoning your shirt. You looked back up at him and the way his jaw tightened and couldn't help but smirk. He shook his head; "Damn. Okay... now I need to cool off..." He stepped up onto the edge of the boat. "You're going in in a shirt!?" You looked him up and down "Like that!?" "Yeah. You coming or what?" With that he took a step backwards and disappeared from view. You rolled your eyes, dropped the shirt and slid your shades from your hair before crossing to the side of the boat. You tested the water temperature and, satisfied, took the step up and jumped in. Compared to the heat of the sun, once submerged the water was refreshing against your skin... You swam up to meet Danny who was waiting for you by the surface. "Quicker than expected. Maybe you'll give me a run for my money..." "Still gotta prove you're the strongest swimmer in the Keys." "Don't worry Darlin', I can do just that." He winked pushing himself back to the boat he wriggled out of his now soaked shirt and swam back to you. "Take a deep breath." "Why?" "Just... Do it..." He took his own and disappeared below the surface, did he want you to follow him or..? You gasped and almost swallowed salt water as he ran his hands up your legs, over your thighs; "DANNY!" He didn't stop, continuing his travel up your body, hips, stomach, pressing kisses there also... over your ribs and higher. GEEZ! What the heck is he--!? He resurfaced and you could have slapped him. “Saying my name is NOT taking a deep breath." "I could kill you Danny Rayburn." "You either want me to touch you or you don't?" He smirked playfully "You're just so full of mixed signals Y/N... Now take that breath." He kissed you once quickly, salt on his lips, making your protest useless as he sank again. This time you took one, and were glad you did as he promptly pulled you under. Within seconds you were back in his arms as he tangled your body with his. You had to lock your arms around him, now completely dependent on his swimming ability. You realised he was showing off, but you weren't sure this was exactly the way you'd had in mind. Then he kissed you, and it wasn't just a kiss. He ran his hands back over your body, pulling you even closer to him. He rolled you through the water to keep you closer to the surface but he didn't break the kiss; instead continuing to deepen it. You ran your fingers into his hair; knowing you were completely at his mercy. He untangled your legs from his, allowing you to keep buoyancy as he pulled you closer to him, almost so you were sitting on his lap underwater. You ran your hands back down his arms and across his chest. It made sense that Danny was a strong swimmer; the muscles under your fingertips were all toned for it. For a man now into his 40s, apart from his salt and pepper hair, there was nothing about Danny that made you believe he was that old for a second. He had a good 10 plus years on you, but damn when he was doing this it didn't feel like it.

You were beginning to get lightheaded, and it wasn't just the feel of your boyfriend. You pushed back against him releasing air bubbles. His reaction was so quick it could have been nothing more than instinct; pushing you towards the surface he didn't break until he made sure you had. "You okay!?" Panic edged his voice as he watched you take on air; "Yeah... Yeah I..." you laughed "You have the physique of a strong swimmer... I'll give you that much..!" He kissed you again, gentle, soft... and you looked at him, the way the sun broke over the water and hit his eyes... Today they really showed up his cute freckles and gave him an almost innocence, to couple with those ocean blue eyes and the grin he was now giving you as he gathered you back in his arms; "So... I win!?"

He took you hand and you swam back to the boat back under the waves. You allowed him to drag you along, watching the way he swam. The tide was changing, and over this particular area it was even more shallow - the water warm. Still, he swam so skilfully that he didn't stir up sand. He pulled you back up to the surface. Twisting you so your back was to the boat, he swam underneath you; this time with warning. He pulled your legs over his shoulders and pushed up until he hit the surface. You were just about high enough to pull yourself up onto the side, but he held you steady until you sat. Droplets fell from your hair into the water as you swept it back off your face with your shades. He was staring up at you, making no attempt to exit. "What?" "You are so damn gorgeous... I just don't know what to tell ya..." He pushed himself out of the water and hoisted himself up next to you. You handed him his damp shirt. "Sure you don't want this?" He, too, pushed his wet hair out of his face. You laughed "It’s NOT a man’s shirt..." You kissed his shoulder gently as he pulled it over his head with a laugh; "But that’s what you do right? You collect men’s shirts." "What do you think one-night stands are for? I was gonna add yours to my collection... It's a testament to you that you got it back..." "Only for you to steal about 4 more?" "I love your shirts, where do you get them?" "Aw nah, if I told you that you'd go buy 'em and I would outlive my usefulness." You looked down at the water again, at the way he swung his legs lazily over the side of the boat. But you smiled; "They wouldn't smell like you if you didn't wear 'em..." He leant back, laughing "Uh huh! That’s it!" You grinned "Somethin' like that, baby, yeah!" He shook his head, twisting so he straddled the side, hands on hips "But you don't want this one?" "You need to wear a shirt. Ok, or Ima die!!" He laughed even harder and took your face between his hands; "Oh! Baby girl! Where the hell did you come from!?" He kissed your forehead, then your lips, before he stood; "Lunch?" You nodded; "As If I could ever refuse?" You caught his lips again before he wandered to the kitchen; He laughed; "Okay, gorgeous. Try not to miss me too much." You pouted; "Awww... I miss you already!"

You had a book open on your chest, glass of wine on the table next to you. You were lying lengthways across the seats - simultaneously sunbathing and drying off from swimming. You were still in your bikini but to ward off the chill from the breeze that would every so often catch you, you’d put your oversized shirt back on. You’d started to read but your eyes began to get heavy, so you’d decided to give it a miss for a minute and rest your eyes instead. Danny had been busy preparing lunch... and marvelling a little at the kitchen on a boat like this. But when he walked back out onto the sun-drenched deck, he couldn’t help but push the thought of lunch to the back of his mind.

You were still wet from swimming and that was only soaking into the shirt you were wearing, leaving even less to his imagination than usual... He took a gulp of wine and crossed to you, placing his glass on the table next to yours. The sound of his glass hitting the surface didn’t stir you... He knelt on the seat and pulled you towards him by your legs, running his hands from your ankles, he brushed away the salt that was stuck to them. As he kissed from your ankle to follow the trace of his fingers you hummed, shifting your body slightly to get more comfortable. When he got to your inner thigh he figured you were teasing him by not responding more than you were holding back. He shifted himself, placing his hands either side of your head so you were pinned under him, legs on either side of his. You let out a content sigh, closing your book you threw it onto the table, expertly missing both glasses, you reached up and removed your shades, opening your eyes to stare into his.

“You’re blocking my sunlight, you know?” He narrowed his eyes but said nothing, opting instead to lower his body further and beginning to kiss your neck. The next hum you gave reverberated into his body as you crossed your legs behind his, winding your arms around his shoulders you pushed your body up and were met with a sound of approval; you laughed. “I didn’t say I wasn’t enjoying the view!” “That’s what I thought!” He growled against your skin. You tasted like the sea, like sunshine. Like everything he’d ever wanted. You were a warm safe place... Even though he knew you’d said the same about him... He felt like he could wrap all his secrets up in you, too... And like he might have finally found the one person who wouldn’t leave... Who wouldn’t let HIM leave.

He reached for the buttons on your shirt at the same time you started running your hands under his. “Should we take this inside?” You quizzed him as he relieved himself of his shirt, his eyes left yours and he traced the opening of your button down, it was much more obvious with you dressed like this of your body’s reactions to him... and your hips were pinned down by his. He wasn’t that sure he wanted to move this anywhere. He undid the final buttons and your shirt found a new home on the floor, he laid you back and his hands went for the straps of your bikini. And then he was decisive; “No.”

*** You opened the wardrobe and scanned quickly through the clothes. “Aw, crap.” “What?!” Danny’s voice echoed from the bathroom “I must have taken all my stuff off the boat!! This is all my parents...” You leant against the wardrobe door “... I mean it’s not a total loss my mom has some nice things...” He exited the bathroom running his hands through his still wet hair from the shower you had shared. “Only as long as it isn’t nautical stripes again...” You had to laugh “Just for that comment I’m going to make sure it-“ You had to stop and stare at him for a minute. “What?” He looked around the room and then back to you. Dressed in smart dark blue jeans, and a white and faded navy striped shirt (top buttons undone, of course) with a black jacket Danny looked the smartest you had ever seen him. And your heart was telling you exactly how that made you feel; “Oh my god...” you breathed “... When you said you were going to take me out you really meant it...” “Yeah. What did you THINK I meant?!” You shrugged unconvincingly and turned back to the wardrobe. You’d have to go classic black... there was nothing else for it. It was cut a bit like a sundress, but had teardrop shaped diamanté’s around the neck line. “Belt. I need to belt it... I think...” You threw off your cover up, not even caring that Danny was still there after today, the unmade bed now told that story, and pulled the dress over your head. As expected, it was a little too big for you. “Tell me you have a belt.” “Yeah, one! What are you...” “You have a skinny waist so it’ll have a good amount of notches!” “I’ll do you one better. It doesn’t even have notches.” He smirked “But you have to come get it.” You narrowed your eyes at him; “What, like your belt buckle is ever going to be a challenge for me?” You opened a second draw and pulled another belt out. Then approached Danny. His face almost read disappointed. “Don’t get too excited...” You ran your hands around his waist band to his belt buckle as you whispered it seductively, you released the buckle with a click, realising that his belt was a slide system. You pulled it from his dark jeans whilst never taking your eyes off his. Looping it over your shoulder you unravelled your dads; “It’s Zegna. Ermenegildo Zegna… Italian men’s fashion boutique, also does the suits for Tom Ford, Gucci and YSL if you must know…” You flashed the name on the belt at him before passing it through his belt loops and pulling it tight to fasten it; “Now you can look like you own this boat.” You stepped away from him and he released a breath you hadn’t realised he’d been holding. “...And you can get off your luxury yacht straight into you Zegna Maserati, to match your flashy belt, of which only 100 were made…” You cracked a smile “Not that my dad would let you borrow it or anything, but you could always ask!” Danny didn’t miss a beat – “So your dad is into cars huh?” “Small house, MASSIVE garage.” You agreed, knowing full well Danny had seen a host of them sitting on the driveway before now. “Explains yours.” “Uh. I’d like to take credit for my own car thanks! But yeah, guess he’s the influence. It wasn’t HIS money though.” “I would NEVER imply that!” He tilted his head; “Why are you telling me so much about Zegna anyways!?” You winked, pulling his jacket straight and smoothing his shirt; “Context is everything.”

You passed his belt high around your waist and pulled it tight to pull the dress in, looping it in a neat knot on the other side of the buckle. “There. Better.” You looked him over; “Oh Yeah. You look like new Miami money...” You pulled a box out of the same draw and opened it... selecting some of your mother’s earrings and a statement piece necklace. You were content to leave your watch and bracelets are they were. Finer pieces suited you, you turned back to him; “So, do you think I look worthy of your new Miami money?” He raised an eyebrow “You look beautiful… As long as the suggestion isn’t that I bought you?” “Baby, I would never—!” You crossed to him, picking up your bag on the way, thankful you always carried make up for touch ups. You kissed him gently “Tonight though... all eyes are gonna be on you!” *** He took your hand as you hopped off the boat; “So?” “So…?” You questioned his question. If he was asking about the location, then a marina was a marina. It was a small dock, old wood, but pretty… strings of lights welcomed boats and bathed the water in a soft glow. He asked the expected question. “What do you think?” “…It’s pretty… but it’s all boats, wood and water… Where are you actually taking me?” He smiled and linked your arm with his. “It’s only a short walk…” He took it slow, and explained how he’d found this place completely on accident when he was exploring ideas for his own. According to him, it was the only restaurant he actually trusted himself to take you to without complaining about anything. Anything had a wide scope, so you wondered if he meant sometimes he wouldn’t complain about the food but something else. He left that avenue unexplored. You pondered aloud if it had inspired anything from his own; he explained that the location was waterfront, so he’d got as close as he possibly could. He described, in detail, that when creating his own menu he’d taken a lot of time experimenting, which is why his menu looked normal until you took a close look. This place had a lot of classic items, but its fair share of the weird and wonderful. He’d simply tested flavours and combined them. You wondered what that meant your evening was to consist of. He stated that it wasn’t the only restaurant he’d been to that had inspired either of those things, but you knew him, so you’d be able to pick up on the influence right away.

When you arrived, the restaurant was decorated in the same strings of lights and it spilled out onto the small waterfront. Danny was “old-romantic” enough to have asked for an outside table and like a true gentleman, helped you into your seat before sitting himself. You studied the other clientele carefully. Everyone was at the very least smartly dressed. Some even a little overdressed, if you and Danny were anything to go by. Your dad’s boat was the biggest in the marina so… They weren’t coming from the Miami heights. Or, they’d driven? You hadn’t scanned the cars in the parking lot. You were glad you’d borrowed one of your mom’s dresses. You were about to open the menu when Danny held his hand out for it; “What? You have one?” “Yeah. Alright…” He retrieved his hand and studied his own meticulously. But that got you curious; “What?” “It doesn’t matter.” “No really!” He shook his head, but you could tell by the smile that appeared on his face that wasn’t the end of the conversation. You opened yours and almost immediately on first scan you could see elements that had been copied over to Viva Caputa. But, for a restaurant that didn’t seem all that big, the menu was far more extensive. And some of the prices were almost eye watering. Ah, the price of waterfront real estate. Even this far out of Miami. “You are NOT paying this.” “Shut up and let me take you on a date.” Danny waved away your protest “Its-” “I WANT to spend my money on you. That should be the end of the conversation…” And so it was. Until the waiter turned up. Danny took a deep breath, in a way that made you look up at him. He looked across to you; that same smile on his face. “Do you trust me?” You looked to the menu and shut it in answer; “Yes.” “Okay…” He cleared his throat “Let’s do this- you sure!?” You nodded; he was about to order for both of you, but he didn’t want to look like he was controlling. He ordered four different dishes, two that were classic, two that almost made you want to scan the menu again – but felt that would defeat the point of you trusting him. Then flicking through the drinks menu he ordered a wine. The waiter was hesitant for a moment. “Trust me man, I’m a chef. It sounds odd, it’ll go perfect…” He winked across to you; “You better get your drink in. I think I’m complimenting flavours.” With that you were allowed to order your signature. The waiter disappeared and Danny looked more than just a little smug; “The kitchen will get it. Don’t worry.” “Are you going to do this with dessert too?” “God – that’s your forte…” He traced his lips with his fingers; “Maybe. I’ll see how well this goes down.” “I’m sure it’ll be fine. You told me you knew me.” “…I know what you don’t like, yeah, I skipped all of that. It’s a shame, you’re missing out.” “You told me I had great taste!” You folded your arms defiantly; surely he would admit he HAD said that when editing his menu and listing his target markets qualities. “Yeah…” he smirked “In men!”

When the dishes arrived Danny was quick to point out exactly what he’d done; “Look! I’ve got all your food groups covered! Meat, Fish, Vegetarian, Pasta… That sauce is dairy based… and you’ve even got fruit here look. Can I have done any better? No or No?” “…You are crazy.” “Not a God damn sweet in sight. Good natural sugar!” He sat back and watched your face “You’ll ruin it with dessert but I want to say I tried my hardest.” “I’m impressed. But it’s gotta taste good.” “It will taste better than good.” He nodded to the wine, “Now I get to pour this!” He hadn’t actually let you have any before your main courses arrived. You were fine with your drink; with his promise that it would be complimented by what he had chosen you’d only taken slow sips. He had stuck to water. Danny was clearly eager to make a great impression. He held his hand out for your plate; “See, now I’ll balance it right and you can tell me what you think…” He moved his chair so he was sitting next to you, rather than opposite. And in accordance with what you had seen from an actual food group chart he began the process of mixing the dishes on your plate appropriately. He set it in front of you, and then poured your glass of wine. “Your choice if you mix them up or not. But, you should probably get a feel for each flavour first.” You almost burst out laughing at how serious he sounded. “What?!” “Oh god. You’re going to remind me of every time Jason mimics you…” “Oh does he now?!” “Cooking is all about FEEL! Jason! FEEL!” You did you best impression of Jason impersonating Danny. “God, I’m sorry… He just… Loves you way too much.” At least Danny saw the funny side of it, plating up for himself “Oh yeah, I BET that’s why he does it…” You picked up your fork, but you weren’t exactly sure where to start, and you wanted to follow Danny’s lead. “… What’s wrong sweetheart?” He picked up his own and looked across to you “You think I know where to begin!?” “The choice is yours.” “You should know how bad I am at decisions. Amanda and Evelyn should have…” you suddenly realised that Danny hadn’t actually met your two best friends properly yet. They’d been present a couple of times you’d been out for drinks but… “…They didn’t though. God, I need to introduce you to my friends… OH! There’s my parent’s Anniversary party…!” “Oh God…” His eyes widened and shifted to the table “Suit and Tie - Danny Rayburn! YES!” “Don’t ruin tonight, please God no!” You laughed at the look on his face, “Okay.. Lemmie help you…” He pulled your plate towards himself and loaded his fork. “Is this too much?” “…For me or the fact that you’re gonna…” Wasn’t that supposed to be romantic? Did Danny think he was being over the top? “Oh my god, don’t you start overthinking!” “Okay…” You took his fork from him and thought the bite over. “OH-!” You covered your mouth for a second “Oh my God!” “No no no, hold on a sec, now you gotta have some of that.” He pointed to your wine glass “It’s not complete without that…” You gave yourself a second to mull over the flavours you were experiencing, swallowing you reached for your glass and took a sip. And suddenly eating became something a little bit more than sensory. He clapped his hands together at the look on your face and you were surprise he didn’t pat himself on the back right then and there. “Oh my god! She likes it!” He announced to no one in particular. “What-!? Oh my god-!? How!?!” “I may be the artist. It doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the hell out of other people’s art.” He looked as impressed with your reaction as his own analogy. “So, I made a good choice?” “Incredible.” “Better than my place?” “Oh-! NO! You can’t!” “I don’t mind you telling me yes…! It just makes me work a bit harder. This is like the level I’m going for. Only that mix is what I’m trying to put into one dish, rather than separate ones…” He gave you a smile as you nodded to his explanation with a smile of your own. You knew where he was coming from. He liked having you on the same page. His was an acquired wavelength, he liked that you could be in tune with that.

You cleared your plate more than once and he was more than just appreciative at that. There wasn’t even all that much that he had the waiter box up. You’d been through a few glasses of wine too, and were getting a little bit of a kick. You weren’t sure you could go for dessert – but Danny wasn’t having any of your excuses. “You’re only gonna complain if I don’t get you any…” He took the menu gratefully and took your hand; “Look, listen to this… you don’t even have to go heavy…” “You going to confine me to food groups again?” “No… Baby girl… This is all you… How about this…” He listed off a few different things and you tried to pick a couple that sounded like they would go together in the same way he had done so expertly for your main course. But also that didn’t sound heavy on top of what you had already eaten… He nodded along to your suggestions and you came up with a couple together. But, that wasn’t too hard. He was right, you had an incredibly sweet tooth.

Even here Danny was expertly trying to mix your choices, and by the time you’d both finished you felt like you could probably happily slip into a food coma. “That’s it. I’m not going to eat another bite for the next week!!” “She says… Coffee?” “Ugh. Go on.” “…Keep it light…” he took your wrist to check your watch; “We gotta get you back home too, remember! It’s probably an hour straight shot to Miami. Water shouldn’t be too rough, if we stick costal we’ll make it home with pretty good light on our side. But I can drive, it’ll be fine.” It was nearly 10:30pm… You didn’t care all that much. He ordered coffee and the check. Stopping you from taking it from him; “Can’t we please split it?” “NO.” “Please…” “Nope…” He pulled out his wallet and his card “Danny…!!” “Not even that voice is going to work on me today. Finish your coffee!” He handed it back to the waiter quickly, ignoring your whines of protest. He wouldn’t even let you help with the tip, flowing his signature across the bottom of the receipt to complete the transaction. “You make me feel terrible.” “You better not after that meal. How often do I take you out Y/N? Be honest. I make money! Is it cuz I said the restaurant doesn’t pay all the bills?! Consider it a thank you, in fact I noticed your clients are bring their own people around… and your dad… Well, that’s another story. We’re doing so well I’m considering extensions, refits… and… Well, y’know that’s another conversation for another time…” He put his card back into his wallet and turning to observe you finishing your coffee, took a different line of conversation “…About this Anniversary party?” “Wedding Anniversary. Yup.” “Do you really want ME to go? You don’t want to do what we usually do..?” He was referring to your slightly strange arrangement of if one of you didn’t want to go to a party or engagement the other was going to you would simply be allowed to take someone else as your plus one. Danny didn’t often try to take female ‘friends’, but he was cool with you taking guys from work. He figured it made sense for you to take people who ‘fit the description’ to your upper-class parties (those you couldn’t miss). He went to all sorts of strange sounding events that it often didn’t sound like he wanted to get you involved in. The arrangement suited you both, and you knew nothing would ever happen between the two of you and the third person-of-choice. “Not to this one. I want it to be you. It HAS to be you.” “…Suit and tie?” “Black tie, actually.” He made a choking sound “Geez… Okay… I’ll see what I can do…” His mind thought back to your earlier conversation, his voice questioning “context is everything?” “If you wanna rock a Zegna suit... be my guest!” You tipped your glass to him, impressed “But yeah that’s the kind of eyerolling discussions you need to be prepared for!” “Can’t wait.” He dripped his usual sarcasm. You chose to ignore it. “My parents will want you there… And I want you to meet my friends and family… I love you… And this is… the first real serious… thing I think I’ve ever had…! And, that party will be the perfect place.”

He took your hand and helped you stand, linking your arm back through his he walked you back to the boat, pondering the situation; “How many years?” “Huh?” “How many years have they been together? It sounds like it’s more than just a little party. Black tie?” “…35.” “Oh my god.” “I know. Met young, danced together young, married young. Literal life partners…” “And you want that?” “…I guess I want… Similar?” You shrugged and gave him your best smile “Kinda depends on what he wants too, doesn’t it?”

*** He looked uncomfortable as he leant over the side of the boat, staring at the marina lights flickering across the surface of the dark water. You approached his side slowly, your voice gentle; “…Are you ok?” He didn’t answer, but realised in doing so he might be giving the wrong impression of his evening. His evening with you had been great. But this…

“Is it your shoulder again?” It’s something you’d never asked him about. But you’d noticed for a long time. If Danny ever looked in pain he would always reach for his left shoulder. On the few occasions you’d been in his apartment you’d also noticed he had a substantial amount of painkillers and at least one of those bottles had made its way onto one of your bathroom shelves. He glanced across to you, and his face voiced the question he couldn’t. You waved your hands as if to say you meant nothing by it, “It’s just something I’ve observed over time…” you turned so your back was against the railing “…Personally though, if it’s as bad as you make it look… you should probably have it looked at…” He almost laughed, “No… No! The last thing I need is all that being dragged up again…” He took a deep breath and turned side on to you. He studied your face carefully, but he already knew it, how much he trusted you… So he knew he could tell you this. Hell, he HAD to tell you this.

“I never told you about my little sister right? Not – Not Meg… Sarah…” You realised this was a lot more serious than you had thought, turning your full attention on him, you shook your head slowly. “Well… Mom and Dad were fighting. Like a LOT. We’re talking daily screaming matches. We were lucky it never got any worse. I mean I was always one for getting out of dodge anyway, but let me tell you, that would have cemented it. Anyway, Sarah hears one such argument, she probably shouldn’t have but mom asked me to take her somewhere. And I mean, I’m just a kid what do I know, I thought the best place was as far away from that house as possible…” He bit his lip and gave a shrug; “And we had a boat, not the one we have now, a different one. There was one rule, don’t take Sarah out on the boat without an adult. See, John was right there on the pier and he shoulda come with me, but he didn’t. And I was way more focused on leaving that house than anything else… And… Sarah… She had this…” He stopped, and looked back to the water, you moved closer to him. This was hard, this was so hard for him and you knew it couldn’t have ended well. For one, Sarah wasn’t ever mentioned… He swallowed hard and his voice almost broke over his next sentence. He continued to stare at the swirling depths as the waves lapped against the side of the boat “…gorgeous little seahorse necklace, and she loved it. Absolutely LOVED it, guess a thing like that is everything to a kid that age.” He laughed, but it wasn’t genuine; “…I mean, I dunno what I was gonna do with her, go swimming maybe? Anyways – we get to a reef and she drops it, doesn’t she. Necklace, gone, and it’s disappearing through that water quicker than I can stop her going after it.”

You covered your mouth with your hand. You knew exactly what he was about to say. “So she’s gone, and I didn’t react quick enough to going after her. We’re both under the water now and the necklace disappears through a crack in the reef; but she’s a kid right? She just will not let it go – and how – how in the world she got stuck I will never know; her hands were tiny. But her arm gets stuck, and I’m a strong swimmer, I wasn’t particularly athletic ever, but I could take licks from John and Kevin pretty good, right? Pulling her arm out should have been easy. I should have had this. But see, I didn’t. Cuz I was running out of air. So I had to leave her… SO I’m panicking, I get back to her as quickly as possible, she’s unconscious. Finally I get her arm out, I get back to the boat. No necklace, by the way. I turn that thing around and bam – I’m heading back home. I didn’t know CPR, hell, if I did maybe I could have done something…” He tapped the railing with his fingers, affording another pause. “Now I’m almost home, and I’m screaming for someone ANYONE to come help me. God, someone must know CPR right? John was smart! My Parents… Well you know what, maybe this would get them over fighting… Geez…” He placed his hands against his forehead and took a breath out “I get to the pier, I’m still yelling for someone. Apparently the house is deserted.” He snorted “Like that ever happens? Kevin, Meg, John?! Where the hell were they!? Anyway, my Dad… Sarah’s his favourite, because of COURSE she is… comes out. And, damn if I knew my dad… I guess he tried to help but I was too scared to find out. I mean… I guess she was dead at that point…” He fell silent again, and you realised that his injury didn’t come from helping his sister. “…The next thing I know, he is screaming at me. We’re not even talking angry, Y/N, I’ve never seen anyone…” He went quiet again “…He chases me through the house. And God, yeah, I guess John was there… I mean I’m quick, but I couldn’t outrun that. And screaming that it was an accident didn’t help anything either… He catches me and pins me down and that’s the least of my problems, cuz then Daddy dearest…” He bit his lips together, you knew what he was about to say and you wanted to, but you couldn’t stop Danny now; “…Proceeds to beat the shit out of me. And that is nowhere near an exaggeration.” He leant back “And this…” indicating to his shoulder “…This is a constant reminder. As if I didn’t have that day permanently ingrained into my head as it is… And then things were never the same…” He looked back to you, story he was willing to tell clearly over, and if it was possible his face fell. You didn’t realise you were crying until your tears started to run over your fingers. He didn’t have time to react to you throwing your arms around him – you didn’t sob, you kept your crying silent but you buried your head in his shoulder. You didn’t even know how to say you were sorry.

Eventually he moved in your arms, sniffing like he was crying because you were crying he mumbled into your shoulder; “…We should get back to Miami…” “You’re not going ANYWHERE.” You held him strong “We’re staying here. We’ll head back tomorrow…” you ran your hands over his shoulders tenderly, now you’d just have to make sure you were extra careful about this. He moved his hands to touch your shoulder too; “…What does that quote even say?” Running his finger across the scripture on your left shoulder, significant or ironic you weren’t sure, but you were sure he wanted to change the subject. You pulled back from your embrace; “You’re really NOT a church on Sunday type, are you?” You gave a half smile “…I used to be. I kinda got disillusioned more than once…. I guess I go occasionally. That quote struck a chord. So much so I guess I wanted it permanently on my skin…” He tipped his head; “That doesn’t tell me what it says…” “Depends on which bible you’re reading from. But, for me… Psalm 23:4 - ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me’…” You watched him run it through his head, trying to process it “…And what…what is it you’re… walking through?” You gave a secretive shrug life, maybe? “…I was working through some stuff… It doesn’t necessarily have to be about me, always.” “So, who?” You gave him a significant look and he followed what you were thinking. Now? Him. “Baby… Context is everything…”

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*For which the Thou, is you. Of course.

@stcphstrange - Hope you had fun with nearly 15,000 words! 😘

#Danny Rayburn #danny rayburn x reader #danny rayburn x you #Ben Mendelsohn #Bloodline #Sway #Linzi Writes #2 gifs!!#Danny x Reader #4 #Liliana

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