#i still think about andy seeing the stars change and i wanna cry

[linaxart]

Quỳnh still remembers the light of the stars shining bright in Andromache’s eyes.

A little ago @cryhardanddanceharder gifted me this lovely lovely fic that got this concept stuck in my head. Thank you again, Pau! hope you like this humble companion 💜

don't repost. click to enlarge. reblogs appreciated 💕

[ID: a digital portrait of Andromache the Scythian on a nebulous night sky background. It's a frontal view from her necklace upwards. She has no eyesballs so through the gaps the night sky is visible. The style is painting-like with purple tints. End ID.]

[suchalonelysunflower]

I’ll Be With You (c.h)

Pairing: Calum Hood x Reader

Summary: Songfic inspired by “Drive” by Ashton Irwin. One ride can change your life and Calum hopes he could mend his mistakes with you.

Warnings: ANGST. Language. Mentions of a character’s death (not explicit) Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word count: 6K

Author’s note: This is an unofficial second part to You Said Forever, but you don’t need to read it in order to understand. Please remember that Reblogs, Comments, Feedback and Likes are very important! You don’t know how much it helps me 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading ✨🦋🌻

My materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

Thank you Andy for the picture

“ I know that you’re hurting

I know you still care

I know his voicemails sound like a lullaby”

You’ve been staring at the wall for what it felt like hours, which was probably true. Your thoughts were made of nothing as your eyes clashed with your wallpaper. You wanted them to be made of nothing.

You wished you could allow yourself not to think. Just to shut down for the day and stop thinking. Thinking made you cry and your head hurts when you cry. He always hated to see you cry.

The house felt empty even though you were sitting right there in the living room. Yet, it almost seemed like you weren’t there like you were just a ghost who you once were before you lost two people in under six months.

How could anyone expect you to be the same? Yes, the losses have been different. But that doesn’t mean their absence didn’t hurt.

You wish it could stop hurting. But at the same time, you wish it could tear you apart. To feel pain is to feel something and you were so scared to stop feeling. It happened once before with the first loss and now, now you just want everything to be over with.

But you were still staring at the wall, nothing’s changed. They were gone and you were here. They left and now you are alone.

Maybe it was always meant to be this way. Maybe it was a sign for you to never love someone else and to not let anyone else love you. What’s the point if they are going to leave anyway?

The ticking of the clock became your only friend amid silence. You took comfort in its tick-tack, the melody of your desolation. You’ve heard it once before and since then you couldn’t stop hearing it, not since that night where you counted the seconds for him to respond. Now you counted the seconds again, still hoping everything would just stop.

A 10-second answer.

“I’m not ready for a relationship”

A 10-second call.

“We lost him”

Who would’ve known that 10 seconds could last forever?

You wondered if you should call; if he would answer. If he knew...But then you remembered you blocked his number to never call again. It’s not like he would’ve answered anyway, not as he would care.

Your relationship with Calum ended before it even began. You were never official but you carried yourselves as such. It was magical until it wasn’t; until he stopped answering and started developing feelings for another.

It wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t control what he felt. But he was the one who decided to end things without telling you, all because he was scared. You were too, not that he cared.

And now, you know you shouldn’t miss him. You moved on and started all over again, promising yourself that he won’t ever see you cry again. Your music career blew up and now you had an album coming up in a few months. The awards and recognitions you won from your first single, the one that was inspired by him, were hanging on your wall like trophies, proof that you could be happy without him and you were.

Until that 10 second call in the middle of the night.

And now you felt like a child. Seeking comfort in the arms of someone who is not coming back. Knowing that the only one who you wanted to be with at the moment was living his best life without you. Not knowing, not caring.

He threw you away like a doll he didn’t want to play with anymore. Or at least that’s how it felt like. He taught you what it meant to love and then backtracked once he realized he felt the same but was not ready to act on his feelings, letting you figure that out by ghosting you like it was nothing.

You felt stupid for wanting him back, he hurt you the most, and yet, you needed him to feel safe. He was your best friend before becoming something else.

It was almost like you weren’t in control of what you were feeling. It was too much and at the same time not enough. You wanted him, you needed him. You want him to love you again like he used to and make everything okay again. But you also wanted him gone and for him to stay that way. You didn’t want his pity or his love words again. You didn’t want to see him and make every little broken piece of your heart stain again just at the sight of him, at the sound of his voice calling your name again.

What's worse? What’s the cure and what’s the sickness? Would you rather forgive and forget? Or just forget that it ever happened?

Did it ever happen?

Loud bangs coming from the door pushed your thoughts away from your mind. You were spiraling again and you didn’t even notice.

The bangs came stronger, yet no one was calling your name. You wondered who could it be; who could be crazy enough to bang on your door in the middle of the night, hours after one of the worst days of your life?

You thought about ignoring it, pretending that you’re asleep when in reality you haven’t slept for days. But the stranger didn’t know that and they could easily go away once they believe you’re in bed, tucked away in dreams.

But whoever it was didn’t stop. You counted the seconds, 5 bangs in one second, one; two; three; four; five, and 5 bangs again. This person wouldn’t have let you sleep even if you wanted to.

After two more series of bangs, you got up from your spot on the sofa, leaving an indentation on the cushion due to the hours you spent looking at nothing. You smothered your black clothes and walked to the door.

The other person was in the middle of another series of bangs when you opened the door, leaving his fist mid-air as he noticed you standing in front of him.

What was he doing here?

If you were surprised you didn’t show it. Maybe you weren’t that surprised to see him standing there with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. His hair was a mess and his eyes had some dark bags underneath it; you assumed you looked the same: tired and hopeless.

His eyes were still the same, shining with a gleam you haven’t seen in a while, hopeful for something greater than life. Yours, however, were hallowed and gloomy, no emotions whatsoever as you gazed into the eyes of the man who you wanted to call yours one day.

He looked so different from the Calum who was standing at the same spot all those months ago when he told you he needed time. And you were so different from the Y/N who stood in pain of just seeing him. Now the roles were reversed, cause at this moment you thought you'd never seen him so quiet, so inside himself. Maybe he was in pain too.

“C’mon. Let’s go” He said, nudging his head to make you follow him into the dark street.

He didn’t say hello. He didn’t need to, not with you at least. You don’t even remember saying goodbye after that night.

Calum stood there, waiting for you to answer. His brown eyes were pleading, but you knew he wouldn’t force you to do anything, he knows he didn’t deserve it and he wouldn’t blame you if you closed the door on his face. But you didn’t.

Instead, like a fool, you followed him.

He got into his car, the same color white with tinted windows and the indentation of that one time you accidentally hit a motorcycle that stopped abruptly before you on the street, and you climbed into the passenger seat, buckling up your seatbelt and pulling your legs to your chest.

Calum started the engine and didn’t turn on the radio, he just began driving into the night. You weren’t talking, but you didn’t need to; the silence needed to be heard.

It’s not the first time you did this. Before he went on tour you would call, or he would call just to spend some time together as you drove by the coast. Words were optional as you let time slip through your fingers, enjoying every second of it in the presence of each other.

“Just drive” You would say, and that was enough.

You saw the lights of the city pass by. The red lights covering you in its lights, creating an atmosphere of security within their red halo. You closed your eyes for a moment at the clicking sound of the turn signal and let you be swayed away by the left and right turns Calum would do to get to the PCA.

He had his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel, one of his fingers lightly patting the plastic as he didn’t know what to do with it, this time he can’t just put his hand on your thigh like he used to.

You could tell he had some things to say, he always did, but he was keeping them in and you were thankful for that. You weren’t sure if you were ready to talk yet, or if you were ready to talk at all, right now you were enjoying the silence and the roaring sounds of the pavement and you would’ve liked it to keep it that way.

The destination was unknown, it always was. You would recognize the stores and the streets as you passed them by, but there was never a limit to where you could go. Many times you ended up driving as far as San Diego or San Francisco, sometimes you ended up somewhere in the desert where no one could hear you. But it didn’t matter where you’d end up as long as you came back, but how could you come back from this?

Calum must’ve been driving for a few minutes or hours, you wouldn’t know. The night sky stayed the same and you refused to look at him just yet. You knew why he was here, it was as obvious as the stars at night, and you found the strangest comfort in that even though you were still pretty mad about everything he did.

Calum, however, looked back and forwards between you and the road. He hasn’t seen you in such a long time and these are horrible circumstances to see each other again after he fucked up. Cause he will admit it: He fucked up, big time. But how could he fix it now when you won’t even look at him?

Who were you now? Were you the same Y/N he knew and loved? His Y/N never looked that small, that broken and bruised and tucked away in a world of hurt. He knew he had something to do with that, but right now that was the least of his problems. It was clear to him that right now all you needed was not to be alone and he was glad he could help.

A few minutes later, Calum spotted a gas station and parked the car for a few minutes.

“Gonna fill up the tank and get some coffee from the store,” He said as he unbuckled his seatbelt “Do you want anything?”

You were still looking at the window, the white dirty neon lights illuminated your profile as you shook your head. Not ready to give a verbal answer.

Calum sighed “Okay, you can go stretch your legs if you want. I’m not going to take long”

He jumped out of the car and you waited until he entered the store to jump out as well, letting the neon lights and buzzing bugs invade your feelings as you stood upright.

You cracked your neck and the bones of your back, letting out a sigh of relief once you feel yourself go back to normal. You walked around the car and back again, trying to clear your mind with some fresh air. You realized by the stars illuminating the sky that you must be on your way to a desert, not really caring which or where, but happy that you were far away from where you were supposed to be.

Calum came back a minute later holding a bag and two cups of coffee.

“Here,” He said, handing you the brown paper bag and the coffee cup. You looked at him questionably “I-I know that when you’re upset you don’t eat much and- I just wanted to make sure-”

The words ‘that you’re okay’ were stuck in his throat as he watched your eyes fill with tears that you weren’t ready to shed. He just nodded instead.

“The coffee is terrible, but the cookie might be good. I’m sorry, it’s all they had-“

“Thank you,” You said with the faintest voice. Calum felt his heart stop for a second, he hadn't heard your voice in so long and he wished he could hear it again as the night went on.

“You’re welcome,” He said with a tiny smile before turning around and walking up to the driver’s seat, chuckling to himself as he heard you cough the horrible tasting coffee after one sip.

A couple of hours pass and you are still on the road. You remained quiet as time went by, you knew Calum didn't mind but you also knew that he hoped for you to talk, not only about today but about everything as well. And what a beautiful irony that was. He was the quiet one ever since you met; shy and gentle towards the new artist who started working at the studio, it sparked up your curiosity towards him. Your friends said that you were trying too hard, but there was something about Calum that just begged you to know him. Little would you know that it would’ve become the best and worst decision of your life.

You were so in your mind that you missed the moment he started humming a melody you couldn’t recognize, but you didn’t care about that as you got lost in the sound of his low voice trapped willingly on his throat. You missed his singing the most. Every time he started singing you would just sit and listen intently, entranced by his voice like a pirate who fell in love with a mermaid. He always said you had the best voice out of the two of you and you would always disagree, he never understood how his voice comforted you to the point of almost being hypnotized by it and you never understood how much you needed to hear him until now.

You still felt that tingly sensation that begged of you to run away; make Calum take you back home and never see him again for your own good. But another part of you pleaded for you to stay, to treasure this moment and never let it go again, hoping that things will turn out just fine and you could start all over. You didn’t know which part of you talked with logic or with the heart, you didn’t know who to listen to. So you just listened to him hum.

“I never heard that song before,” You said once he’s done, or at least you thought he was.

Calum snapped his head towards you at the sound of your voice. This time you sounded clear, a bit hoarse, and still much quieter than what he was used to, but it was enough for him to smile a little.

“I don’t think you would’ve. It’s some kind of TikTok song” He said, eyes on you the entire time while you kept your head straight for the empty road. You chuckled and he felt like he could touch the sky with his hands, he always loved making you laugh and now he got to do that again.

“You’re on TikTok?” You asked, teasingly.

“Shh,” Calum shushed with a smile, pleased with the banter “Don’t tell the fans about my secret account”

You pressed your lips on a thin line “It’s not like you tell anyone much, anyway”

Calum’s smile flattered. “Y/N-” He whispered but you cut him down quickly.

“Eyes on the road, Hood” And you stayed quiet again.

Calum reluctantly took his eyes off you after shooting you a sorrowful look. He could swear he heard Ashton’s voice saying he fucked up over and over in his head.

You always hated secrets and his life was full of them. When he asked you to keep whatever you got on the down-low you agreed, not because you liked it, but because you respected his privacy. You thought you only had to keep it hidden from the media and the fans, however, you didn’t expect to have to hide it from everyone including his bandmates, who were also your friends. He promised you you would come clean after you make it official, yet that day never came.

He chose to run away from his feelings. He said he loved you, yet he kept you from the truth, hiding his secrets from you until the pictures where he kissed a girl on tour saw the light, simultaneously bringing his dirty laundry to face the consequences. He told you the truth once he came back; he was not ready for a real relationship but that he truly loved you and he meant every word. But, how can you trust the words of a liar?

Calum knew this, and ever since that day he’s been regretting letting you go. He needed time to figure his shit out, he needed to know if it was real or just a game, not only for him but for you as well. The night he broke your heart he realized it had already been broken when he stopped replying to your calls and messages. He foolishly thought that you would be okay, that you needed time as well, but once you were really gone did he understand.

He decided to come clean to the guys one night, he couldn’t keep it in his heart anymore, not after seeing your face drained of color and filled with tears. He could still hear the disappointment in everyone’s voices, especially Ashton’s who considered you like one of them “You didn’t just lose a love, you lost a friend” He said, and those words have been haunting him ever since.

Now you hate him, or at least he thinks you do. You haven’t said much to him and you won’t even look at him. He told himself time and again that he didn't mind, you were going through a lot at the moment and he just wants to be with you and that your company is more than enough. And he meant that, with all his heart and soul. Yet, his mind keeps railing him to do something, to help you lift your spirits somehow and hear you laugh again cause he knows that’s the only thing that could make him feel better. You make him better but you were so far away, even at an arm's length distance; you never felt so far.

A yawn passed his mouth, he tried to keep it hidden so you wouldn’t notice, but you did.

“Stop the car,” You said once this happened two more times.

“What?” Calum asked, alarm clear in his eyes and voice at your request.

You were on a road in the middle of the desert, there was not a soul who wandered over there and no sign of life either. It was just the two of you in the car.

“Pull over and stop the car,” You said, finally looking at him, but your eyes were everything but tender as the seriousness in your voice became palpable “You need a break, you are too tired to keep driving like this. So you are going to pull over at the side of the road and take a walk and wake the hell up”

Calum needn’t be told twice, not with that look in your eyes at least. His heart grew warm at the thought of you caring enough for him to let him take a break, but his hoped shattered at the words you spoke next:

“And then you take me home” It was a whisper, almost inaudible, but Calum heard it loud and clear.

He pulled over after a few meters and you were the first one to get out of the car. Calum watched as you stretched your legs and arms in the middle of the windless desert air. The moonlight shined over you and mistook you as one of her angels, at least that’s what Calum thought of seeing you standing there.

With a sigh, he unblocked his seatbelt and did the same things you did: he stretched and walked around the car a couple of times, trying to get enough energy to get back on the road again. Suddenly, his pacing came to a stop when he heard the faintest sniffle coming from where you were standing.

Your head was thrown back, eyes fixed on the sky as your arms wrapped around yourself. The clear night sky was in full view, letting even the rarest constellations come to life. You felt so small standing in front of the massive universe, hoping that maybe he could see you from where he is, no matter how small you were to him now.

Calum came to stand next to you, he didn’t say anything but you felt him staring right at you. This time you didn’t hide the silent tears that started rolling down your cheek.

“He loved the stars, you know?” You said, tears coating your voice as you stared into the night “He always talked about the Greek origin of the constellations and what they mean. I never really paid much attention to it and… now I wish I had”

Your father was a nerd, your mum always told you so, but he was the kind of nerd that loved studying and teaching and discovering that it never felt like a burden to him. He was always excited to show you some discovery he or other people made, to teach you the history of things and how everything is connected.

You were so scared to tell him that your dream didn’t belong in a university, that you wanted to see the world and make music that matters to people and you, and that it might be a long shot but that you believed you could do it. He was your number one supporter from the start, saying that you were his brightest star and that he couldn’t wait to see how you would leave your mark on this world.

The last time he called you was to tell you that he heard your song on the radio while he was shopping for groceries, he was so proud that he even told the cashier “That’s my baby singing” and you could hear the laugh in his voice when he told you he had to prove that you were actually his child and he was not just a creep in the supermarket.

That was the last time you said I love you and he said it back.

“He was a great man, Y/N,” Calum said, not looking at the stars that sparkled in the sky; no, he was looking at the star he met on Earth and that was standing next to him. He wondered if you will ever know how much you shine.

“The best I’ve ever known”

“I’m really sorry, Y/N,” He said, not knowing what to do, how to comfort you and it pained him seeing you like that.

“It’s okay,” You mumbled, wiping your tears with the back of your hands “You weren’t the one that gave him a heart attack”

A few days ago you got the call that would change your life forever. You don’t remember much of it, only your mum crying on the other line and sobbing through her words.

“We lost him, baby. He’s gone”

It was the second time that time had stopped for you.

“That’s not the only thing I’m sorry for,” Calum said with a sigh. His hands were hidden in the pockets of his hoodie, this time he averted his gaze towards the sky, searching for forgiveness he knew he mightn’t have asked for.

You pressed your lips in a thin line and gazed down, shaking your head. This wasn’t happening “No.” You said, still shaking your head and drawing a few steps back.

“Y/N-” He pleaded, following you.

“No, Calum!” You yelled, “I said no, you can’t do this to me right now!”

“Okay, fine!” He said, running towards you with begging eyes, softly grabbing your hand in his “We don’t have to do this right now, but we have to do it eventually, Y/N. We can’t keep running from it or avoid it forever. I know it angers you as much as it angers me and we can both agree that I’m the one to blame. So, please…”

You pulled your hand away from him, breaking his heart with that harsh movement. You were looking at him, eyes filled with tears he didn’t deserve and an unshared rage that came with it. You felt how your chest moved up and down with every breath you forced yourself to make to stop your heart from thundering from inside you.

Calum’s eyes met yours and you could see the regret in them. Those brown orbs stared at you with such hope that you had to look away in order not to cave. Not today, not for him.

“Why?” You spat, walking over to him and pushing him as you talked. He did not move an inch, which made you even angrier. “Why now all of a sudden? Why not a few months back on the day you broke my heart? Why not a couple of weeks ago when I ran into Luke and asked about you, knowing that he would tell on me? Why not a few days ago when I reached out to Ashton to break the news that my father had died? Why not then? Why not earlier today at the funeral? Why now and not when I needed you, Calum?” You pushed and punched him in the chest with every word, crying at the same time you let your anger take over.

Calum let you take it out on him, not feeling anything as you punched him, he knew you didn’t want to hurt him, you could never. He grabbed you by the shoulders as you cried, sobs shaking through your body as you asked the why of many things.

Why did he have to die?

Why did you leave me?

Why did you come back?

Why did you make me love you?

“I know, I KNOW,” Calum said, getting a little fed up with himself for not being able to give you the answers that you needed “I know I wasn’t there when I was supposed to. I know I’ve been a total jerk for what I did and that I had no right in doing what I’m doing but, for the love of god Y/N, I wanted to be there today!”

“Then why weren’t you?!”

“Cause I was on a fucking plane!” He yelled, matching your tone.

Your eyes opened like saucers at his words “What?” You breathed.

Calum sighed and let go of you, running his hand through his face and hair. He didn’t mean to yell, but he was tired of everything, tired of keeping it inside when you were right there, looking at him like the monster he felt inside. He didn’t know if he could make it better if the image you had in your head of him could ever change, and he was scared, so scared that you’d hate him more than before. But he had to try, he had to. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he took the coward’s way again.

“I was back in Australia. I left a few months after the last time I saw you, knowing that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Nothing made sense anymore and I knew you didn’t want to see me after every bullshit answer I gave you. I just couldn’t stay here knowing that I hurt you, so I bought a ticket and went home to get my shit together as I promised, thinking that maybe I could leave you behind and forget about those feelings that made me realize how scared I was of them, but that never happened and I doubt it ever will. Then Ashton called me after you called him, telling me everything but I didn’t listen to the whole thing. I just heard that you were in pain and next thing I know I booked the first plane back to LA, back to you, but it got delayed so many times that I couldn’t be there on time, so the first thing I did was jump out of that plane and drive straight to you”

You clenched your jaw as you listened to him, trying to drown the knot in your throat. Your mind and heart screaming at you to listen and run, not knowing which one was right. Calum, however, continued as he watched your hesitant eyes.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I tried my best to be because I knew you didn’t want to be alone, even when you say you do and I failed you, again” Calum’s eyes were honest, raw pain ran through them with every word he said “All I do is fail you, Y/N and I’m so tired of it. I failed to be honest with you, I failed to love you the way you deserve to be loved, I failed to be with you when you needed me most and I failed to keep my promise. I don’t want to fail you anymore, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

These past few months without you, adding to the ones I spent on tour, were an absolute nightmare. So many times I wanted to call, to tell you that I loved you, that there was never somebody else but you, and that you are the only thing that’s felt real to me in so long. But I couldn't cope with the fear of you rejecting me, saying that you don’t want to see me again and with fair reasons.

I know I don’t deserve you, or any kind of forgiveness you could give, but I swear to you, Y/N, I want to be there for you. I will be there for you, always”

You cried, you wanted to believe him, you really did “This is so fucked” You said as you broke into sobs.

Calum walked over you and wrapped you in his arms, hiding your face in his chest as you let your tears fall “I know”

“How can I trust you, Calum?” You asked him “I feel like you are pulling me and pushing me to the ends of my rope and every time it’s getting shorter and shorter and-”

“Then we can tie more knots between us,” He said with a shaky voice “We can make it longer, and then I can meet you halfway. Or I’ll walk towards you at the end and we’ll jump together, hoping we’ll fall together as well. Y/N, I’m so tired of running from myself and I know you are as well”

“How do I know you are not lying to me?”

Calum took a deep breath, you couldn’t. Even he couldn’t know that, but he did know one thing:

“Every word that I said to you is true. I do love you, so much it hurt to the point of me being scared of it. It took me nothing to figure out that I could never love someone as much as I love you, but you’re right in not to trust me” He said and you let out a little gasp “I hurt you, and I can promise myself I won’t do it again but I can only promise you I will try. The future is unclear, my love, nobody knows when their last day on earth will be. It took me so long to understand that and it made me think that, if today was my last day, I would rather spend it with you. Always you. And I know that the world doesn’t spin around me or you or even us; but all I could do, all I want to do is spend my time with you, be with you and let it be just us for a while. For forever”

“Life is so much more than that”

“But we could hope”

And with the faintest whisper of your heart, you felt like that was enough for now. For you, it was enough.

You tighten your grip on Calum, holding each other closer as you let your tears dry on his hoodie. His hands softly caressing the back of your hand as he rejoiced in the feeling of having you close again. Just as long as you were there, Calum knew he had nothing to fear, not even himself. It was the peace you brought to each other, the one that never left, the comfort of your embrace, and the familiarity of your bodies; everything fit perfectly right where it was supposed to be. You were right where you’re supposed to be.

You stayed wrapped around each other for a while until your limbs felt numb and you knew it was time to get back. This time the road back home was silent, but not the deafening kind. Calum had his hand placed on your knee as he drove you back. Neither of you needed to say anything, it was already understood. Soon enough, you fell asleep at the sound of his humming.

To go back to where you left it was not going to be easy, you both knew that, but that’s the thing with trust and relationships: you build them as you go and it will take the time it needs. You both need to heal after the break, but as long as he’ll be in it for the long run, you will be as well.

You woke up when you felt a pair of arms wrapped around you as the smell of his cologne flooded your senses. You reached your house without noticing and now Calum was carrying you inside your home and into your bedroom as you cuddled closer to him, grabbing his hoodie with your fist.

“What time is it?” You asked in a sleepy voice.

“6 A.M,” He said and chuckled as you lifted your head to inspect your surroundings, not really believing it until you saw the faintest daylight covering your room, making you sigh.

Calum put you down in your bed and tucked you in, giving you a soft kiss on your forehead as he mumbled a goodbye. But before he could pull away, you tighten your grip on his hoodie, making him stop in his tracks and bringing him back down to you.

“What are you doing?” He asked with a chuckle, softly caressing the side of your face and silently promising to himself that he would do it right this time, not letting anything bad happen to you ever again.

“Hoping,” You said, pulling him again. This time he didn’t hesitate to pull the covers up and slide down next to you, wrapping you in his arms as you accommodated yourself in his chest. “You’ll be here when I wake up?” You asked softly.

And before you closed your eyes to sleep, you heard “I’ll never leave again”

“I'm here for you

When the world is falling down

I'll be with you

When your world is falling down”

.

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[random-ass-fanboy]

My Snape playlist:

Here are 40 songs that remind me of Snape, if anyone is interested :)

Feel free to leave song recommendations for this playlist in the comments!

TW/ depressing lyrics and mentions of suicidal ideation.

-

Paralyzed- NF

"Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things, I know I should. I'm paralyzed. Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralyzed."

My Immortal- Evanescence

"You used to captivate me, by your resonating light. Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me."

Horrible Kids- Set It Off

"Picture this he was just a kid, not knowing where to begin. He wore all the wrong clothes, followed all the wrong trends, persecuted for the things he did."

Lifeboat- Heathers the Musical

"Everyone's pushing! Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching, there's nowhere to hide! If I say the wrong thing, or I wear the wrong outfit, they'll throw me right over the side!"

Panic Room- Au/Ra

"The silence is so loud. The lights spark and flicker, with monsters much bigger, than I can control now. Welcome to the panic room, where all your darkest fears are gonna come for you."

Michael in the Bathroom- Be More Chill

"I am hiding, but he's out there, just ignoring all our history. Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer cooler version of me."

Worthless- eli.

"I'm always so alone, even when surrounded, by people that I know. I'm always so astounded, by my ability to ruin everything. Losing friends and starting fires, everyone thinks I'm a liar"

Let Me Down Slowly- Alec Benjamin

"Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste. I once was a man with dignity and grace. Now, I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace. So please, please.."

Waving Through a Window- Dear Evan Hansen

"We start with stars in our eyes. We start believing that we belong. But every sun doesn't rise. And no one tells you where you went wrong"

Broken Again- eli.

"No one knows what it's like putting up a fight, for your life every time, now I'm losing sight. Wish that I had a way to make me feel alive. I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die."

Match in the Rain- Alec Benjamin

"Yeah, I can taste it, it's the end, this love's impossible to save. Though you embrace it, I can't face it, so I look the other way. There's trouble in your eyes, but I pretend that we're okay. I wish that we could compromise, but there's just nothin' left to say."

Snail- Cavetown

"I was just born like this. Wish that I could change it. Four peculiar limbs and a head that doesn't fit. Wish that I was still a kid."

Dissappear- eli.

"Carrying the burdens of the world up on my shoulders. Looking for the answers, maybe I'll know once I'm older. Need some time to recollect myself, please don't forget me. When I disappear next week, I hope you can forgive me."

Teenagers- My Chemial Romance

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick. You're never gonna fit in much, kid. But if you're troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt, will make them pay for the things that they did."

Words Fail- Dear Evan Hansen

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am! 'Cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it! No, no one can really see!"

Untitled- Mxmtoon

"I tend to forget, that I shouldn't fret. People come and then they go. At this point I should know."

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead- Set it Off

"I'm stuck self-torturing, my meds are failing me, internal clock in smithereens. Can't fix this. I'm hopeless. My eyes are stapled open wide, as I lay down on my side. I am bouncing off these walls."

Outrunning Karma- Alec Benjamin

"He's never gonna make it, all the poor people he's forsaken, karma, is always gonna chase him for his lies. It's just a game of waiting from the church steeple down to Satan karma. There's really no escape until he dies."

One Song Glory- RENT

"Find, one song, one last refrain. Glory. From the pretty boy front man, who wasted opportunity. One song, he had the world at his feet. Glory. In the eyes of a young girl, a young girl."

Good For You- Dear Evan Hansen

"All I need is some time to think! But the boat is about to sink. Can't erase what I wrote in ink. Tell me how could you change the story?

All the words that I can't take back, like a train coming off the track. 'Cause the rails and my bones all crack. I've got to find a way to stop it, stop it! Just let me off!"

Teen Idle- MARINA

"Adolescence didn't make sense. A little loss of innocence. The ugliness of being a fool. Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey

"And there's no remedy for memory. Your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is hunting me and telling me, that everything is fine. But I wish I was dead!"

Trying- Cavetown

"I'm trying to tear the wool from your eyes. But a part of me wants to let you be. 'Cause then you wouldn't see what I've become. I'm trying to shout, but no sound comes out. It's like we're in a dream state. But I should've woken up, woken up by now."

Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day

"Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are."

21 Guns- Green Day

"When you're at the end of the road, and you lost all sense of control. And your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul."

Give Me Novacaine- Green Day

"Take away the sensation inside. Bitter sweet migraine in my head. It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind. I can't take this feeling anymore."

iRobot- Jon Bellion

"I am a robot, thoughtless and empty. Don't know who sent me, don't know who made me. Electric robot, everything's gray now. Numb to the pain now, I knew what love was."

Another One Of Those Days- Cavetown

"Passed that kid from chemistry, who made fun of my name. He didn't look very happy. I guess we all turn out the same."

Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. 'Til then I walk alone."

We Don't Have To Dance- Andy Black

"You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy, this is hell, this is hell! You're looking and whispering, you think I'm someone else! This is hell, yes, I am in hell!

Ribcage- Andy Black

"Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Got no heart to break, like it that way. Nothing in the cage of my ribcage! Emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

The Run and Go- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't take them on my own, my own. Oh, I'm not the one you know, you know. I have killed a man and all I know, is I am on the run and go."

Fall Away- Twenty One Pilots

"I disguise, and I will lie, and I will take my precious time. As the days spent away, as I stand in line, and I die as I wait, as I wait on my crime. And I'll try to delay what you make of my life, but I don't want your way, I want mine. I'm dying and trying, but believe me I'm fine. But I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine!

Trapdoor- Twenty One Pilots

"He wakes up early today, throws on a mask that will alter his face. Nobody knows his real name, but now he just uses one he saw on a grave. And he pretends he's okay, but you should see, oh. Him in bed late at night, he's petrified."

Sad Song- Christina Perri

"I wish I wasn’t always wrong, I wish it wasn’t always my fault. The finger that you’re pointing has knocked me on my knees. And all you need to know is… I'm so sorry, It’s not like me. It’s maturity that I’m lacking."

Escapism- Steven Universe

"I guess I have to face, that in this awful place, I shouldn't show a trace of doubt. But pulled against the grain. I feel a little pain, that I would rather do without."

Semi-Automatic- Twenty One Pilots

"Night falls with gravity, the earth turns from sanity, taking my only friend I know, he leaves a lot, his name is "Hope". I'm never what I like, I'm double-sided, and I just can't hide, I kind of like it when I make you cry, 'cause I'm twisted up, I'm twisted up inside."

Screen- Twenty One Pilots

"I can't see past my own nose, I'm seeing everything in slo-mo. Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive. That's a train, am I painting the picture that's in my brain? A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane!"

March To The Sea- Twenty One Pilots

"Then the wages of war will start, inside my head with my counterpart. And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase, 'This line's the only way.' Then I start down the sand, my eyes are focused on the end of land. But again the voice inside my head, says, 'follow me instead.'"

Migraine- Twenty One Pilots

"Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait. Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead, and how it is a door that hold's back contents, that makes Pandora's box contents look non-violent!"

[calumxkisses]

Will you marry me? | c.h.

pairing: calum hood x reader

genre: fluff

summary: just pure fluff of Calum proposing to you.

a/n: let me know what you think about it, I hope you’ll like it!

♡♡♡

A blow of wind enters from the big window at your right, waving the red dress you're wearing. A flower is stuck in your hair, its light color highlights the tan you took during these holidays: Calum's idea to escape your everyday life for a week of Hawaiian sea was exceptional, not just for your mental health, but also to further consolidate your bond.

Of course, dates and vacations with the others had been a key point in your relationship, but nothing was like this week away from any kind of toxicity, in your little bubble of love. After your candlelight dinner, to celebrate your third year together, Calum asked you to wait a few seconds in your hotel room, while he finishes to prepare "something".

After your last relationship - in which you found out your ex boyfriend in bed with 'just a friend' (how he usually refereed to one of his female friends) on your anniversary day - you thought you weren't ready to start something new with someone else.

Your mind was caught up in a 'not fall in love' state and your heart was still broken - even though your eyes weren't red and puffy anymore - when you met Calum for the first time.

You already knew who he was, his Instagram profile was always tagged in Andy's photos, your long time friend, but you didn't know Calum in person, how he really was despite is job.

When you first saw him, you were sit on Andy's stairs in the backyard while the party was going on inside his house; Calum was in front of the grill with Ashton, he was holding a beer in his right hand while a deep laugh was coming out of his body. Your gaze was on him but your mind was somewhere else until an hand shaked in front of your face. You shaked your head and looked up, meeting brown eyes.

"Is everything fine?" he asked with a soft voice.

"Yeah, sorry. I spaced out."

"Oh, okay. Sorry that I bothered you."

"No no, you didn't. It's just-" you couldn't even finish the phase that your eyes started losing tears; his first time holding you was right after that first sob, causing you to feel safe. How could a complete stranger make you feel so protected? Part of you was sure that it was only because he wasn't your ex boyfriend but in the deep, the other part of you knew that there was something different.

"I'm sorry I-"

"Don't worry, I don't need to know... just remember that everything is going to be fine." and since that, everything really went fine.

For the rest of the night, Calum kept you company talking about his rockstar life and your sadness didn't come back, not even for a second, during that night.

The day after your first meet, Calum invited you out for a coffee. He was clear at specifying that it wasn't a date - after the night before you told him something about the reason why you were crying - but it felt like a date indeed. You both couldn't stop smiling and the world felt like a heavenly place. The conversation was spontaneous and your phones never were grabbed from your pockets. When he took you home, you expected him to kiss you - and you didn't know how to feel about that - but, however, he just moved a piece of hair from your face behind your ear and gave you a sweet kiss on your cheeks before telling you how he hoped to see you soon.

At your official first date, several weeks after the 'not a date’ coffee - in which you never stopped seeing each other - Calum took you out for dinner in a 70's inspired fast food. You didn't wanted something too formal since it wasn't the first time you guys went out together. After eating and laughing for a couple of hours, Calum surprised you asking you to dance on a song that someone put on the jukebox: you turned bright red and started to laugh before taking his hand and dancing the night away.

The first time you made love, you were scared. For you, making love has never been just sex, but something more important: it meant giving all yourself - your fears, your weaknesses, your certains - to someone. And Calum knew that. During the meet of your bodies, he never made you feel bad: he kept telling you how beautiful you were, how lucky he felt and how you meant so much to him.

And that night, while Calum was holding you close to him while he was sleeping, you thought about how everything felt right, for the first time. Because your ex boyfriend, after all, never made you feel that good with yourself; and you fell asleep happy, with a smile on your face and a heart full of love.

The worst fight you had was after a year and half of your relationship and it was about the tour - Calum wanted you with him everywhere, but you had your things to do and couldn't go with him at all their concerts. He was really mad and left for three days the flat you shared. The worst days of your life. You were heartbroken and you were sure that he was going to leave you. But 72 hours later Calum came back home with a bouquet of red roses - your favourite. He told you how sorry he was and how scared he felt to be away from you for a long time. You ended up making love and promising to each other that a bunch of kilometres weren't going to break your relationship.

The ringer of your phone wakes you from your memories. You look at the screen and notice that it's a message from Calum: come outside, princess.

As soon as you arrive outside the building, you notice a row of candles and red petals that show you the way to get to the beach. Slowly, with trembling hands and a beating heart, you follow the path until you reach a heart drawn on the beach with red petals and small photos of you and Calum. Bringing a tuft of hair behind your ear, you reach the center of the heart and, right at the center point, you see a particular photo that you have never see before. With a huge smile on your face and wet eyes, you pick it up and look at it with joy, putting your hand over your mouth to stop the sobs.

“Andy took this picture three months ago: it's you and me sitting on the stairs in the backyard of his house, I'm pointing to the stars to you but you're not listening, you're too lost at looking at me. I know i’m handsome, but i didn’t expect that much.” A little laugh comes out from your mouth as you look up; Calum is walking to you with a smile on his face. He’s wearing a white shirt made of linen and a pair of beige shorts. Sure to have your attention, he continues to talk.

“Neither of us has noticed Andy and this underlines even more how we are focused on each other. The world could fall apart, but as long as I have you and you have me, nothing else is important. The first time I saw you, in that exact place, I saw the pain you were hiding behind your eyes. I didn't know the reason for your suffering but I knew I had to take it off, i knew I have to show to that lonely girl that there is something good in this world, even if I didn't believe it. And you made me change my mind.” Calum is now in front of you and you can see how his eyes are wet too. 

He takes your hand and leaves a sweet kiss on it before holding it close to his chest. “You know, for all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.” 

“I didn’t even know I could feel this happy, but since you came into my life, I discovered that there’s a kind of happy that I didn’t know it was possible to me to feel with someone else. I want to hold your hand, laugh at your jokes, walks by your side, talk about whatever and kiss your lips every single day.” His thumb removes a tear from your cheek and your eyes close at his touch.

“I’m the happiest version of me when I’m with you. Once I read how love’s about finding the one person who makes your heart complete, who makes you a better person that you ever dreamed you could be. And I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else. I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself. I don’t want to have amazing years with you and then it be all over in a flash. I don’t want to experience the feelings of hurt, confusion and disappointment again. No matter what we run into and no matter how hard things get, I want us to stick together. You think I saved you and your broken heart, but you were the one that saved me from my fear of love.” 

Calum kneels down, takes a deep breath and pulls a small box from his pants pocket. He opens it and inside there is a beautiful ring with a small diamond that reflects the sunset behind you. 

“I wanna marry you because you’re the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. I wanna marry you for what I become when I’m with you. I wanna marry you because I don’t wanna spend any day without looking into your eyes and hearing your laugh. I wanna marry you because you taught me what fighting for someone by its side means and there’s nothing else that I want to do. So, will you marry me?” 

Your throat dries up as rivers of tears keep falling down from your eyes. “Yes, yes, yes!” you scream before throwing you over him and kissing him passionately. And while he, with his hands trembling with emotion, puts the ring in your left ring finger, you can't wait to kiss his lips every day and to call him yours for the rest of your life.

-

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

we got so close, so close to love

a tyrus oneshot that started as a vent fic and ended as something i only wish would happen to me

word count: 2,291 (it’s a big boi)

—————————

It’s been two years since they’ve last said a word to one another.

Honestly? Things had been going great, they’d gotten past Buffy’s old grudge, the gun incident, and Costume Day. Their friendship was going steady, and it even seemed like it could be leading to more.

And then it did.

TJ confessed his feelings to Cyrus at Andi’s 14th birthday party, and it was perfect. They sat on a bench away from everyone else, fairy lights and stars twinkling around them. He explained the real reasons behind everything that went down on Costume Day, and Cyrus told him he returned his feelings almost a little too eagerly. If their friends noticed they were that much more happy and clingy during the rest of the party, they didn’t say anything.

And that’s when it all went wrong.

The next day, Cyrus sent TJ a text that said, “We can’t talk anymore. Bye, TJ.” Completely out of the blue, unprompted. It didn’t make any sense. The most wonderful thing had just happened the night before, why did it have to end so soon?

But it didn’t matter, because it did end, and when TJ tried to text him back, all he got was a message saying that he’d been blocked. So, he figured he had a pretty valid reason to be crying on and off for the next few days, you know, considering he just lost the one person who knew him better than anyone, who he lo— really liked. Actually, fuck it, he loved him. A lot. And now he was gone.

When trying to go up to him and talk to him the next day, he was only thrown a pitiful look from Andi and Buffy, with the latter adding, “I’m sorry, but you have to go, TJ.”

Cyrus never even looked up at him.

The two drifted apart after that, and although it was entirely agonizing for TJ, he dealt with it. Most of the time, at least. If his line of sight drifted over to the brunette boy every once in a while during lunch, it was nobody’s business.

The worst part of it all was having to start high school without Cyrus. He was a lone wolf for the most part, considering the friend group stopped talking to him when Cyrus did, despite the sorry looks still thrown his way sometimes. He started talking to Reed again, who luckily had apparently learned his lesson from the gun incident. He actually kept up with his school work, and he didn’t make as many dumb jokes anymore. Plus, he came out as pan during that year, so TJ could at least relate to him a little bit more. TJ got more involved in basketball, and he occasionally went to GSA meetings now that he was out, just to scope it out and maybe meet some new people. Definitely not to run into an old friend, an old almost.

10th grade was normal throughout the majority of the year. He was finally starting to really get over the whole Cyrus situation, and although he got nostalgic over it sometimes, he knew that it was in the past. There was nothing he could do about it now. He got more help in math and got his first A-, which he may or may not have cried over, and he picked up soccer alongside basketball. He’d gotten really busy, so he didn’t spend a ton of time with friends unless they were his teammates, but the soccer players were nice enough, and he didn’t expect his friendship with Reed to last long, anyway.

This is why he was surprised to hear a text notification from his phone at the end of practice, thinking it would be an out of nowhere text from Reed. It sure as hell was an out of nowhere text, but it wasn’t exactly from Reed.

It was from Cyrus.

It read, “I have some explaining to do if you’ll let me. You know where I am.”

TJ almost didn’t want to go. It had been nearly two years since they’d last spoken, since they’d last seen each other. It took him two years to get over what had happened. Did an explanation even matter at this point? It would just be a nuisance, wouldn’t it?

At the same time, what had happened never really gave him closure. He never even got to say goodbye to him. It was going great, and then it wasn’t. TJ kinda wanted to know why.

He shoved his things into his bag and sling it over his shoulder, sneaking out without anyone noticing he was gone. Not like that was any different.

Tj walked over to the swings, nostalgia hitting him in waves, his eyes getting misty for what felt like no reason. When he arrived, he noticed two things: the swings were way rustier and more covered in cobwebs than he remembered, and that he would always recognize the back of the head of a certain brunette in an instant. He walked up slowly, unsure of how to approach this entire situation. He didn’t have to, though, because Cyrus looked behind him the second he heard footsteps. “You came.”

TJ sighed and blinked hard, forcing the light out of his eyes. “Of course I came.”

“You wanna sit?” Cyrus asked, grabbing the chain of the swing next to him.

“I-I’m good,” TJ mumbled in reply, simply stepping a bit closer.

Cyrus sighed heavily, standing up to face TJ. “So I have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Yeah, you already said that in your text,” TJ said, lifting up his hand that held his phone.

“I don’t even know where to start.”

TJ scoffed unintentionally. The old TJ would’ve done that in a heartbeat, but he’d changed. Or at least he had once. “How about the beginning? Why’d you stop talking to me? Everything was going so great, why’d it have to end so soon?”

“That’s a long story,” Cyrus muttered, twiddling his fingers.

TJ responded shortly. “That’s why I’m here, Cyrus.” After a beat of silence, he added, “Look, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, we can just go back to ignoring each other like we have been for the past two years. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is to me,” Cyrus replied, sounding the most sure of himself then than he did during the entire conversation. “You really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t have shown up if I didn’t, Cy.” The nickname didn’t mean to slip out, but he couldn’t help himself. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

Cyrus opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. “Can we please sit down for this?”

“Fine,” TJ said, taking a seat next to Cyrus, neither of them kicking their legs up to move.

“I was so excited about us, TJ, you have no idea. I even woke up smiling, I remember. That was my first mistake. I went downstairs to get breakfast, and my stepmom saw how happy I was, so she asked about it. I figured, she’s never said anything bad about the LGBT+ community before, plus she’s a therapist so she must deal with gay patients all the time, so I wanted to tell her about me. And us. So I did.” Cyrus took a deep breath. “That was my second mistake.”

TJ’s face dropped. “Oh my g—“

“I’m not done,” Cyrus cut him off. That was new. TJ wondered if he had any influence in that.

“She called my dad in the room and told him what I told her, as if there was something wrong with it. She started bawling, saying that she was so disappointed that I would never had kids, and that I was too young to really know what I’m talking about, and that this is what happens when I hang out around ‘delinquents like you’. And my dad didn’t help either, he just stood there fuming. They made me send you that text, and block you on everything, and stop talking to you, and I did it because I’m a coward and I couldn’t handle being such a... disappointment.”

TJ gently put his hand on Cyrus’ shoulder. “Cyrus, that’s horrible. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that alone.”

“Yeah, well, they wanted to keep it under wraps because they were so ashamed about it, so they never told anyone, including my mom and stepdad, so at least I felt more comfortable with them. I only told Andi and Buffy about it. Buffy actually wanted me to go behind their backs and keep seeing you anyway because she saw how happy you made me, but I just couldn’t do that to them.”

TJ sighed, bringing his arm back down and leaning back a bit without falling off his seat. “I get it, I still haven’t come out to my parents yet because I’m pretty positive they’re homophobic, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them, you know? And at least you were able to talk to the girls about it, even if they didn’t fully understand it.”

A small smile appeared on Cyrus’ face as he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Yeah. I’m really grateful for them.”

TJ smiled softly, happy to finally get some closure over what had happened between them. He quickly furrowed his eyebrows, however, asking, “There’s one thing I don’t get, though.”

“Hm?”

“Why’d you want to tell me now? After two years of not talking?” TJ asked, no undertones or cruelty or judgement, just curiosity.

Cyrus chuckled to himself. “I didn’t know if I would have to explain this part or not. Guess I do.”

“Hey.” TJ places his hand on Cyrus’. “I’ve already forgiven you, okay? You don’t need to be worried anymore.”

“I am anyway, you should know that,” Cyrus joked, then took a deep breath. “Anyway, my stepmom and my dad said that they had to move because the shrink office they operate out of relocated. And we got in a pretty big fight, and I brought up the whole gay thing again because they basically disregarded it and pretended it didn’t happen for like a year and a half which is pretty damn frustrating, and they said that I might as well live with my mom and stepdad, so I said that yeah, I might as well. And, well, now I do, and I only have to go see my other set of parents every month since they still technically share custody of me. But, they’re not a problem anymore, TJ.”

“That’s great! Wait—”

“I can talk to you again, if you want me to,” Cyrus mumbled, a bashful smile on his face.

“I mean, of course I want to talk to you again, Underdog.”

Cyrus smiled and bit his lip at the oh so familiar nickname.

“But—“

And then his face dropped.

“If you were thinking about anything more than that, anything romantic, you know, I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” TJ explained, trying to word his emotions as carefully as possible.

“That’s,” Cyrus exhaled, “fine. I wasn’t expecting to jump into anything, anyway. I just really wanted you back in my life,” he chuckled.

“I’m glad, I wanted you back too,” TJ replied, a goofy grin on his face that could only be induced by Cyrus.

Cyrus groaned, leaning back and almost falling out of his swing, “You have no idea how hard these past two years have been, oh my goodness!”

TJ laughed, his first real laugh in a long time, “I know, right?”

Cyrus looked down, then back at TJ. “At least we don’t have to face it alone anymore.”

TJ simply giggled in response, just so, so grateful for having him back.

Flash forward two months, it was as if the two had never been separated in the first place. TJ began sitting with their friend group at lunch again, everyone genuinely happy to see him. They all went to his basketball and soccer games, Cyrus bringing posters every time, while he tagged along with the group for Buffy’s basketball games and Jonah’s frisbee meets. He and Cyrus frequently went on “hangouts”, which Andi and Buffy loved to tease Cyrus about. And, it was on one of those hangouts when TJ finally got the guts to do what he’d been wanting to do for two years.

They went out for ice cream on a Saturday evening, and were sitting on a park bench enjoying their chocolate soft serve and blueberry vanilla twist (guess who’s who). TJ looked over to Cyrus, who had some ice cream on his face, and it was almost subconscious the way he lifted his hand to wipe it off. Cyrus looked right into his eyes, and TJ knew then and there that he could get lost in those chocolate galaxies for the rest of his life. His hand stayed on Cyrus’ cheek, and he whispered as if he would break the moment if he spoke any louder when he asked, “Can I try something?”

Cyrus didn’t even answer, he simply quickly got the memo and leaned in to kiss TJ like he’d been wanting to for the past two months, or rather, two years. It didn’t quite feel like fireworks going off and a chorus singing behind them, it felt more like an electric shock going down each of their spines while a warm blanket was wrapped around their shoulders. They touched foreheads as they pulled apart, giggling to themselves, because it finally happened. Two years of waiting, and neither of them would’ve traded it for anything in the world if they knew it would’ve ended like that.

Finally.

[drabbleideas]

Lyrics Prompt List

1. “The pictures that you sent me, they're still living in my phone, I admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone.” – [Amnesia – 5 Seconds of Summer]

2. “How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around? I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown.” – [Arms – Christina Perri]

3. “Can't find a reason for these feelings Clouding up above me Cause God—he told me Said he's gonna send me something lovely.” – [Around My Head – Cage the Elephant]

4. “You just want attention, you don't want my heart Maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new Yeah, you just want attention, I knew from the start You're just making sure I'm never gettin' over you.” – [Attention – Charlie Puth]

5. “Another day, and I’m somewhere new I made a promise that I’ll come home soon Bring me back, bring me back to you.” – [Beside You – 5 Seconds of Summer]

6. “And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me, And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you! And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore, And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me.” – [Breathe Into Me – RED]

7. “The rain is falling on my window pane But we are hiding in a safer place Under covers, staying dry and warm You give me feelings that I adore.” – [Bubbly – Colbie Caillat]

8. “I tell myself, 'cause every second like this feels like hell Are these words that you gave me real? I can't tell... It doesn't matter, 'cause nothing matters I'll see you again in a dream so far away...” – [Circles – YusukeKira]

9. “You are my getaway You are my favorite place We put the world away Yeah we're so disconnected.” – [Disconnected – 5 Seconds of Summer]

10. “It's all ending I gotta stop pretending who we are You and me I can see us dying, are we?” – [Don’t Speak – No Doubt]

11. “I want you for a lifetime So if you're gonna think twice, baby I don't wanna know, baby, I don't wanna know.” – [Don’t Think Twice – Utada Hikaru]

12. “You won't go lonely into this fight If you just hold me we will survive.” [Every Time the Rain Comes Down – Anna Blue]

13. “This is not what I intended I always swore to you I'd never fall apart You always thought that I was stronger I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start.” – [Fall For You – Secondhand Serenade]

14. “I won't wait for you forever, for you forever So, don't you say it's for the better, it's for the better 'Cause I can't take later than never, later than never No, I won't wait for you forever.” [For You Forever – Set It Off]

15. “So I drown it out like I always do Dancing through our house With the ghost of you.” – [Ghost of You – 5 Seconds of Summer]

16. “So I'll be waiting for the real thing I'll know it by the feeling The moment when we're meeting Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen.” – [Gotta Be Somebody – Nickelback]

17. “Why do you put me on a pedestal? I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.” – [Halo – Haley James Scott]

18. “I don't care what people say when we're together You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep I just want it to be you and I forever I know you wanna leave So c'mon baby be with me so happily.” – [Happily – One Direction]

19. “I might be selfish but I’ve given up on everything Your pain is my new drug And guess what, I am getting fuckin’ high.” – [Hurt you – Phedora]

20. “The world slows down But my heart beats fast right now I know this is the part Where the end starts.” – [I Hate This Part – The Pussycat Dolls]

21. “Love of mine, someday you will die But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.” – [I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie]

22. “I warned myself that I shouldn't play with fire But I can tell that I'll do it one more time.” – [I Warned Myself – Charlie Puth]

23. “Is it wrong for me to not want half? I want all of you, all the strings attached.” – [If I Can’t Have you – Shawn Mendes]

24. “Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?” – [In My Blood – Shawn Mendes]

25. “Bask in the glory Of all our problems 'Cause we got the kind of love It takes to solve 'em.” – [Issues – Julia Michaels]

26. “You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies.” – [Let Her Go – The Passengers]

27. “Our memories are just a kiss away I'm still in love with every word you say.” – [Like the Way I Do – Cascada]

28. “Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on.” – [Lips of an Angel – Hinder]

29. “Let’s raise a glass or two To all the things I’ve lost on you Tell me are they lost on you? Just that you could cut me loose After everything I’ve lost on you Is that lost on you?” – [Lost On You – LP]

30. “I still wear your t-shirt out All the ink is faded now I wonder who you're dreaming of tonight.” – [On Your Side – The Veronicas]

31.“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side.” – [Outer Space/Carry On – 5 Seconds of Summer]

32. “Don’t give up Don’t give in to fear Even when I’m gone I will still be here.” – [SOS – Elizaveta]

33. “You already know that you’re my weakness After all this time I’m just as nervous Every time you walk into the room I’m speechless.” – [Speechless – Dan + Shay]

34. “So say the word and I'll be running back to find you A thousand armies won't stop me I'll break through I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight Of your starlight.” – [Starlight – Starset]

35. “If You can calm the raging sea You can calm the storm in me You're never too far away You never show up too late.” – [Stars – Skillet]

36.   “Some things just, some things just make sense And one of those is you and I.” [Still Into You – Paramore]

37. “I never needed anything from you And all I ever asked was for the truth You showed your tongue and it was forked in two Your venom was lethal, I almost believed you.” – [Take What You Want – Post Malone]

38. “Call me in the morning to apologize Every little lie gives me butterflies Something in the way you’re looking through my eyes Don’t know if I’m gonna make it out alive.” – [Teeth – 5 Seconds of Summer]

39. “I wish that I could take you to the stars I’d never let you fall and break your heart And if you wanna cry or fall apart I’ll be there to hold you.” – [Through the Dark – One Direction]

40. “All those crazy things we did Didn’t think about it, just went with it You’re always there, you’re everywhere But right now I wish you were here.” – [Wish You Were Here – Avril Lavigne]

41. “And when you come my heart will be waiting To make sure that you’re never alone There and then all my dreams will come true, dear There and then I will make you my own.” – [Moondance – Michael Bublé]

42. “With each word your tenderness grows Tearing my fears apart And that laugh that wrinkles your nose Touches my foolish heart.” – [The Way You Look Tonight – Michael Bublé]

43. “I’m sorry that I hurt you It’s something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish I could take it all away.” – [The Reason – Hoobastank]

44. “All my life I thought it’d be hard to find The one ‘til I found you And I find it bittersweet ‘Cause you gave me something to lose.” – [Love Someone – Lukas Graham]

45. “I wouldn’t even know what love is If we never met.” – [If We Never Met – John Kricfalusi]

46. “I know we didn't end it like we're supposed to And now we get a bit tense I wonder if my mind just leaves out all the bad parts I know we didn't make sense.” – [What A Time – Julia Michaels]

47. “Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? Would you take my call when I start to crack? Would you rescue me?” – [Rescue Me – OneRepublic]

48. “And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes I fall into your arms I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around.” – [Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi]

49. “I'll reach my hands out in the dark And wait for yours to interlock I'll wait for you.” – [Don’t Give Up On Me – Andy Grammer]

50. “You're never gonna get it I'm a hazard to myself I'll break it to you easy This is hell, this is hell.” – [You Don’t Have to Dance – Andy Black]

[thirteen-beaxhes]

Delayed - Chapter 6: Inhibitions

Summary:  “All felt like they knew the others were far away, living ideal lives. They kept to their windows and phones for the ride, thinking about the others. They reminisced separately but prayed for the night to go by fast, to get to the places they needed to go. But the night hadn’t even begun yet.” High school ended 6 years ago, and with it, so did the friendship between Andi, Buffy, Cyrus, Jonah, TJ and Amber. But now their flight is delayed and they are stuck in a hotel together for the night. Not much can change in one night, though. Can it?

ALL LINKS IN REBLOG

~~~~~~~~~

“Can’t sleep either?” TJ asked, looking at Cyrus. He had his arms crossed tight around his chest, wearing only a light jacket as he moved to sit down next to TJ on the swing.

“Clearly not,” Cyrus replied, his voice tight as he leaned against the back. “Why are you out here?”

TJ shrugged, looking up at the sky. “I was just roaming about and I found the door to here. It’s quiet and peaceful so I figured I’d just sit here till I felt sleepy.” He looked over at Cyrus, eyebrow quirked. “Question is, what are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“I didn’t,” Cyrus said, a bit too quickly. He squeezed his eyes shut, and faced ahead. “I was walking about, trying to see if I could get something to eat, when I saw someone come out here. So, I followed, ad it turned out to be you, sitting on a swing.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” TJ said, surprised at the sincerity of his words. So was Cyrus, if the look on his face was anything to go by.

“Seriously?” he asked, scrunching his nose in the way that used to make TJ laugh softly, but now he forced himself to just keep a simple smile on his face.

“Yeah,” TJ shrugged, draping his hand on the back of the swing. “At least I have some other company other than just the moon.”

“But it’s a new moon night.”

“Oh. Then, I guess I would’ve just been alone.”

Cyrus laughed, looking down at his hands, and TJ snuck a glance at him, his heart softening slightly from the dinnertime conversation. Speaking of which…

“I’m sorry, by the way,” TJ said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “For what I said earlier in the evening. I, I just-”

“Don’t be sorry,” Cyrus said firmly, looking over at TJ. “You had every right to be mad. It’s true, I was walking away again, and I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean again?” TJ asked, narrowing his eyes. Cyrus sighed, looking back down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs.

“Come on, Teej,” Cyrus said, that old nickname sending TJ’s heart racing. “You know what I mean.”

“Actually, I don’t,” TJ said, turning to face Cyrus, leaning in slightly.

“Don’t make me say it. I’ll feel worse,” Cyrus whispered, and TJ grabbed his hand lightly.

“What do you mean, Cy?”

Taking a deep breath, Cyrus looked up at the sky for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut. “I was the first one to not respond to messages and emails. The first to make excuses for not calling. The one who never messaged back. I walked away back then.”

“Cyrus,” TJ said softly. “That was a long time ago. Plus, you and I both know, we were both to blame for how things ended. If you hadn’t been the one to not reply, it most definitely would’ve been me, and we both know that.”

Cyrus nodded slowly, looking back up at TJ. TJ looked back at him, their eyes meeting. No one had to know about the way Cyrus felt himself start to get lost in TJ’s green eyes, and TJ would never dare relinquish the secret that was the way he felt warm looking in Cyrus’ brown eyes. The silence should’ve been awkward, given everything they had been through, but it just wasn’t. It was like they had been catapulted back in time, to middle school, to another night, another bench. Back when their relationship first began, by the fire and the distant music trickling through the air.

But their stupor soon broke, an insistent buzzing coming from TJ’s phone. TJ snapped back to reality, his cheeks growing warm as he picked up his phone to see who it was. He had never been more thankful for the lack of light. He opened the notifications, and immediately groaned slightly.

“What is it?” Cyrus asked, concerned as he peered at TJ.

“Nothing,” TJ mumbled, setting down the phone, but Cyrus caught sight of the name, and narrowed his eyes. “Who’s Gabriel?”

TJ squeezed his eyes shut, looking down at his feet. Cyrus leaned down, trying to catch TJ’s eye, but he was avoiding him very well. It didn’t take long, however, for the pieces to fall in place.

“Is, is he your boyfriend?” Cyrus asked quietly, ignoring the way his heart sank. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear the ‘yes’ from TJ, and he braced himself for it.

But TJ just scoffed slightly. “No, no. He’s my ex, actually. But, I don’t know why he is even texting me right now. He’s the one who ended it.”

“He did?” Cyrus asked curiously, tilting his head slightly. “How come? Who would let someone like you go?”

The irony of that question coming from Cyrus made TJ laugh slightly, glancing over at Cyrus. “You gonna rethink that?”

Cyrus raised his eyebrows, before his eyes went wide with realisation. Soon enough, he too was laughing slightly, their breaths slightly visible in the increasingly cold night air.

“God what a crazy day,” TJ whispered, earning a giggle from Cyrus.

“Tell me about it. It’s like Shadyside reunion in here,” he added, looking over at TJ with a goofy smile.

TJ laughed shortly, looking back at Cyrus, his gaze flicking down. Cyrus caught his breath, the soft smile on TJ’s face making it hard to separate their current situation from the last time they were on a bench like that. Of course it was going to be hard to separate the two, when TJ had that exact smile on his face, and the stars were up in the sky, and the air was cold, and Cyrus’ heart wouldn’t stop racing at the speed of light.

“Cy,” TJ whispered, his hand resting beside Cyrus’ on the bench, their fingers just close enough to feel like ghost touching them. Exactly the same as that night.

But, he couldn’t have that night again. So Cyrus coughed slightly, pulling his jacket around himself. “I, uh, I think I should probably go to sleep now. Flight and all.”

That seemed to break TJ out of his trance, and he nodded, Cyrus trying to ignore the obvious disappointment in his eyes. He couldn’t dwell on that, on their past. He had done that for so long.

“I’ll keep sitting out here, just for a bit,” TJ said softly, smiling up at Cyrus, before looking up at the sky.

Cyrus nodded, crossing his arms as he got up, moving to walk to the door. But, before he could leave the garden, hand on the door handle, he turned to look back at TJ, a soft smile on his face.

“Goodnight, TJ.”

“Goodnight Cyrus,” TJ responded quietly, eyes still fixed on the sky.

And with that, Cyrus turned around and left.

*

“Andi? What are you doing here?” Jonah asked, confused. Andi smiled at him, leaning against the doorframe, laughing slightly. Her steps were shaky and wobbly, and she pushed herself off the frame, trying to hold her balance.

“Can’t a girl see her friend?” she asked, laughing as she walked into the room, Jonah closing the door behind her.

“Are you drunk?” he asked, guiding her carefully to the bed.

Andi snorted, laughing loudly. “Me? Drunk? Noooo,” she said, shaking her head vigorously. “I’m just slightly intoxicated.”

“Okay,” Jonah said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Wait, I’ll get you some water.”

“No!” Andi said loudly, grabbing Jonah’s wrists, pulling him back to the bed. “Stay,” she said, in a voice that made her sound like a toddler.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stay,” Jonah said, laughing slightly as he sat back down on the bed, surprised by Andi immediately tackling him in a hug. “Um, Andi?”

“I’ve had a bad night,” she mumbled into his shoulder, and Jonah looked down at her, patting her head.

“Andi, what happened? Do you wanna talk about it?” Jonah offered, but Andi shook her head.

“Nope. No. No talking,” she said. “I wanna be distracted.”

“Distracted? How?” Jonah asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

Andi’s eyes travelled across the room, but eventually they landed on the guitar lying in the corner, and her eyes lit up, raising a finger to point at it.

“You want me to play the guitar?” Jonah asked, amused. Andi nodded, leaning back on the bed as Jonah went to get the guitar, grabbing a pick on the way. “What do you wanna hear?”

“Whatever, just sing something,” Andi mumbled.

Jonah thought for a bit, before smiling and saying, “Anyway, so here’s Wonderwall.”

Andi laughed loudly as Jonah began to play the opening chords, but she fell quiet as he began to sing.

Jonah’s voice had changed from when they were kids, but not much. It had in fact become better, an obvious testament to his training and increasing ease of performing. It was no surprise to Andi that he was now rising in popularity, his voice, personality and looks all contributed to it. But when she heard him sing, all Andi could picture was Jonah Beck sitting on a stool on the small stage at the Red Rooster, singing about a person crying. She saw the boy who spoke about Ultimate Frisbee, and who grew to be an important part of their friend group. A person whose first love had been her, as Cyrus had been convinced. And, at some point, Andi had liked him too. But she didn’t anymore.

Or did she? She asked herself, as she couldn’t pull her eyes away from Jonah as he finished the song, her heart beating fast. It was probably the alcohol. Jonah looked up from the guitar with his characteristic smirk, catching Andi staring at him. “Everything okay, Andiman?”

“You haven’t called me that in years,” Andi said with a laugh, sitting up and scooting towards Jonah.

“Well, we haven’t met in years,” Jonah said softly, smiling at Andi.

Andi smiled back, her gaze flitting down and back up. She knew she didn’t like Jonah, not like that. She hadn’t for a while. And every part of her screamed that it was a bad idea. But her brain was just chanting one word to her as she gazed at Jonah.

Distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction distraction

That is the only reason Andi leaned in slightly, moving closer to Jonah. She could hear Jonah catch his breath, looking at her, his gaze flicking down. Andi sat up slightly more, the jerk sending her head spinning, so she grabbed Jonah’s shoulder for support, the action making them move closer together. They were so close, she could practically feel Jonah’s breath on her face. Andi squeezed her eyes shut, making up her mind about what she was doing, her brain still screaming distraction at her as she inched forward, aware of how Jonah was doing the same, hand on her cheek.

Just then, a loud buzzing filled the room, causing the two to jump back, Jonah’s cheeks red. He reached back to the nightstand to grab his phone, the called ID making his eyes go wide.

“I, uh, I gotta take this, um. Sorry,” Jonah mumbled, not looking Andi in the eye. If she had been sober, she would’ve described his behaviour as ‘sheepish’. Jonah took his phone and answered the call, walking into the bathroom.

Curious, Andi pushed herself off the bed and stumbled over to the bathroom, pressing her ear against the door. Surprisingly, the sound was pretty good and clear.

“Yeah, I’ll sleep soon Annie, don’t worry,” Jonah was saying, a muffled laugh reaching Andi’s ears. “Yes, I also called the venue. They said we can come in on Tuesday to check it out.”

Venue? For what? And who was Annie? Andi asked herself, focusing back on his conversation.

There must have been some words said on the other end, because for the next few moments, all Andi could hear was sighs and laughter. Finally, Jonah spoke again.

“Yeah I know, babe. I love you too.”

Babe? Andi thought, her eyes going wide, the memory of just a few minutes before coming up in her mind, something she was now trying desperately to push down. But nothing would beat what she felt in the next few moments.

“And yeah, I think we can send the ‘Save the dates’ now.”

As soon as those words were said, Andi gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth. Save the dates had to mean wedding. Which meant…

Fuck.

~~~~~~~~~

I HAVE A LAPTOP I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP OMG I CAN FINALLY UPDATE THIS. 

Sorry it’s so short but I just did it right now skfhdksk I hope you liked this! dw the het stuff pained me to write dw. 

@pixieangelprincess @luzawithoutu @terri-does-gods-work @sxshx-sxshx @tozbier @alittletooliteralleah @thedampjofangirl @purplefacey

HMU if you wanna be tagged!

[shipwreckedwithcaptainmarrow]

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

Guess I’m doing it too, just gonna answer it all. #gettoknowtheblogger! lol 

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Absolutely, the best I ever could have hoped for, my mom was my closest friend before she passed, and my dad is the best dad I could ever ask for.  02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My girlfriend, Ava 03: Do you regret anything? Going halfway to mom and dad’s house, then realizing the hardware store was going to close soon, and doubling back for art supplies, only to have my mom pass away the next day. 2 years ago. I will never forgive myself.  04: Are you insecure? Who isn’t? 05: What is your relationship status? Good, as far as I know, she tried to break up with me once but I didn’t realize what was happening, and a year later we’re still a thing so, good. lol 06: How do you want to die? Peacefully in sleep? I mean, who wants to die other ways? 07: What did you last eat? BBQ chicken strips my gf made 08: Played any sports? I hear paintball is a sport. So, Paintball, like, 9 years ago, lol.  09: Do you bite your nails? Nope, never have.  10: When was your last physical fight? Never been in a physical fight. Very pirate-y, I know.  11: Do you like someone? My... girlfriend? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yes! Me and friend stayed awake 3.5 days straight just to see who’d crash first, lol.  13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? My ex-bestfriend 14: Do you miss someone? My mom, every single day. And a couple friends from back in MI 15: Have any pets? I have a little siamese cat named Niffler that I adore, he makes chortling sounds all the time! 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Drunk! 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? Not there yet. lol 18: Are you scared of spiders? I’m not a fan of most insects, but my gf loves spiders, so, I’ve grown to tolerate them, lol. 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I would, and not have gone to the fucking hardware store and went to go see my mom like I was going to.  20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Last night, in bed. 21: What are your plans for this weekend? Fuck if I know, probably moving tons of shit from some stupid place to another. 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? No kids, I like animals tho and living my own life for me. Selfish,  I know. lol  23: Do you have piercings? How many? Both ears pierced, and lip piercing right where Andy Biersack has his. lol  24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Umm.. Ancient greek, roman, viking, egyptian history and mythology, the golden age of piracy, medieval eras, etc. So I guess if you’re talking school, history? History and art? Probably art a tad more. 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? My friends from Michigan, my grandma up there, and of course, my mom.  26: What are you craving right now? I was craving more rum, but now kinda just craving my mom.  27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Nope, I’ve been dumped 8 times, but I’ve never broken it off with anyone. 28: Have you ever been cheated on? Yep! GF #3, strung me along and ended up getting with a navy guy. Then I became a pirate a few years later down the road. Unrelated.  29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Not that I know of, I’ve been turned into a fucking wreck because of Gfs tho lol 30: What’s irritating you right now? My ex-friend, and lack of time to do drag stuff. 31: Does somebody love you? My dad, family, gf, and I’m sure a few friends.

32: What is your favourite color? Red! 33: Do you have trust issues? Kinda, been cheated on before the one time, but I think that was a fluke. Other than that one time, actually I guess not. ...no. lol. 34: Who/what was your last dream about? My house was on fire, but I heroically saved the day and helped put it out, as well as the neighbor’s fire! 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Tonight, at my dad’s house, after grabbing stuff from my mom’s room. Not sure of the gf saw, but, I walked past her.  36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Absolutely yes!  37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive, hands down. 38: Is this year the best year of your life? One month in, easily not.  39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 21 actually.  40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? I haven’t but I’ve told people it’s awesome then confessed to having never done it myself. So. No.  51: Favourite food? Chicken 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do not! Everything is meaningless!  53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Masturbated, lol.  54: Is cheating ever okay? Nope. 55: Are you mean? Nope, not in any way, I’m the most lenient nicest second-chance giving guy you’d ever meet who’d always give you the benefit of the doubt. lol 56: How many people have you fist fought? Zero, thought I’d like to fist fight my ex-friend right now. 57: Do you believe in true love? Nah, emotions are emotions. No such thing. 58: Favourite weather? 63 degrees, slight breeze. Can wear a tank top without being cold or having to put a jacket on, and overcast, so no direct sunlight.  59: Do you like the snow? The snow is who I am, but I live in South Carolina and have been denied my true climate for far too long. 60: Do you wanna get married? Indifferent, If we do we do,I personally don’t think you need to go through legal documentation and name changing to prove you love someone.  61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Depends.  62: What makes you happy? Pop-punk music, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Pirates, Board Games, MTG, alcohol, friends that aren’t landlord assholes, my gf, my cat, porn, cross-dressing, etc. 63: Would you change your name? Not legally, but I like to use a different name while dressed as a Pirate and while cross-dressing.  64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Nope, lol. 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Would have to shoot her down, unless my gf is the said best friend of the opposite sex, in which case no? I don’t know many females as close friends. 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I don’t have any friends that are girls that I hang out with. I had one, but she moved to Seattle.  67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? My gf, 10 mins ago. 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Is hating your landlord deep? If not, then Tyler. lol. 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for? Nah, errything’s meaningless. lol 

[lonely-t0wn]

3, 10, 17, 21, 32!

Thanks Andy! ily too, but you’re still in time out for what you did to me earlier 😠

3. The stars align, the universe loves you - The Killers offer to play a five-song private set just for you. Lucky duck. Which songs do you request?

Ooh gosh only 5?! Ok: flesh and bone, sweet talk, change your mind, glamorous indie rock and roll, and Battle Born (I would also cry and tell him how much runaways means to me and hope he’d take pity on me and throw me the extra song 😂)

10. Which five songs do you most want to hear performed acoustically?

Ok runaways: the piano in that song is so freaking gorgeous and I would literally cry so much, I’d like a full version of human live, not just a little tease, I think shot at the night acoustic could be so beautiful and haunting tbh?, my list, and life to come

17. Rank Brandon in each era according to: A) awkwardness, B) attractiveness, and C) likeability

Hf: like a 7 for awkwardness. Poor beeb was not ready for interviews or being center-stage and struggled a lot, but also had a bit of a cocky attitude. 7 for attractiveness. The shorter hair look was gr8, and with scruff he is my boyfriend. But the emo mop sucks and is easily his second worst look (sorry Hannah 😂). And maybe a 4 for likeability? See above for his diva and dick attitude

Sam’s town: 10 for awkwardness. Oh this poor sweet puppy, someone please rescue him from interviews. He gets an 8 for cuteness (but he is not sexy. He is literally a puppy) and and 8 for likeability. I just wanna give him a hug, but he still had some brandiva tendencies because he was (rightfully) fighting against such harsh criticism.

D&a: 7 for awkwardness. On stage he started off so so nervous every time, especially for performances on late night shows, but once he got warmed up he could strut around stage like he owned the damn thing. 9 for attractiveness, he’s an absolute baby-faced angel during d&a, yet also like. a menace 👀. 10 for likeability. He was an absolute peach!

Bb: 4 for awkwardness. He still suffers in interviews, but he’s getting better! And he really looks comfortable on stage now and launched his stripping career this era. You can tell he learned a lot from being on his own during flamingo. 6 for attractiveness. I loved his bb aesthetic, the leather jackets and Americana looks, but his hair was really suffering. Too short, too much gel :/ I guess 8 for likeability? Idk I don’t have much to say for it.

Ww: he started off at like 7 for awkwardness, but as the era progress it dropped to like a 3. Some of those early interviews though, poor beeb. I think he was really nervous this time with how personal the content was, but once he saw how well people responded to it I think he gained confidence. And he DEFINITELY owned the stage this era, whew! 🔥 9 for attractiveness, once he ditched the hair gel. And 8 for likeability, there were times where I really wanted to throw hands, the cocky ass 😤

21. You can ask each band member one question. What'll it be?

Omg andy these are so involved you’re killing me!! Dave: do you plan on ever being involved in studio again, or are you really going to do use entirely on solo work now? Mark: what song did you have most fun writing and why? Ronnie: if you could trade jobs with another band member for one song, who’s part would you want and why? Brandon: if you could collaborate with any artist no longer alive, who would you choose?

32. If you could change something about one song, what would you change?

Hmm I’d change the production on everything will be alright and make it like a full minute shorter, maybe then I’d get through it more 😂

Send me Killers asks!

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 7 I’m really in this now

TJ didn't know what to think. He had gone to Iris' party only because he had invited Cyrus, and even then, seeing him drunk was an...experience. He had walked in with Amber, who immediately went to Andi, who was awkwardly sitting next to Marty and Buffy. TJ panicked when he saw Cyrus, he had texted him saying he'd be there, but other than that TJ didn't know what to do with his new truth. He had a crush on Cyrus Goodman. Amber had told him to confess, but he couldn't just do that. So instead, he ignored him. But, he couldn't help but feel Cyrus' eyes on him. God, he probably thinks I'm a jerk again. He had thought. TJ had spent the entire day with knots in his stomach, confessing to Cyrus meant his crush was real and didn't know if he wanted to change what they had. He wasn't very good at change. TJ went to his old friend group at the party because it was comfortable, at least with them nothing was new. "Yo," said Lester. "Hey," Tj had greeted them as he quickly eyed Cyrus. Is he drinking? His old friend group consisted of Reed, Lester, Tom, Angel, and Matthew. He hadn't spoken to them organically in a while, but he didn't expect them to change much. All they did was smoke weed and talk about girls, one of which TJ never explored much of. The guys liked to call themselves the "Gucci gang" (emphasis on the Gucci) for reasons TJ had already forgotten after the third hit. "Bro, this shit hits harrrrd" Tom had told Reed, "Is my face still here??" The gang busted out laughing, but TJ couldn't help but catch a glimpse of Cyrus looking at him again. Cyrus had been sitting on the floor, his head in Andi's lap as they gently raked his hair back with their fingers. God I wish that were me. "YOO TT! You good man? This shit bops right?" Lester had snapped his fingers in front of TJ's face. "Huh? Oh, yea. It hits I guess." TJ said, itching behind his ear. "Hey man, what's up? Are you not having fun?" Lester lowered his voice and leaned closer, he was the most emotionally intelligent out of all of them. "Dude," Lester said, "Do you wanna talk? I know you're not high, this weed is wack" Lester chuckled. TJ looked over at Cyrus again, who he saw looking longingly at Jonah, who was laughing with Walker. Lester followed his gaze, "Oh," Lester said, "got it. You know we all know right? Like we been knew since middle school." TJ blinked in surprise, "And you guys are like, okay with that?" "Dude, come on. We're your bros and it's the 21st century," Lester said. TJ chuckled slightly and grinned, "Shit, I didn't even know till this week." TJ had looked over again, this time Cyrus caught his eye, raised his cup to his lips, and chugged its contents. "Bro, you don't think he's straight right?" Lester said with raised eyebrows as he hit it again. "He dated Iris." TJ said as Lester passed it to him. He passed it to Angel, he had had enough. "Don't be so dense T, sexuality is fluid." "Lester you're like a straight up guru right now. When'd you get so wise huh?" Tj said as he nudged him with his shoulder. Lester shrugged. By midnight, the music had become so defining that TJ thought it would bring the house down. He couldn't see Cyrus anymore which made him anxiously fidget with the hem of his hoodie. What if something happened to him? Because of the drunk dancing teenagers, the gang had moved from their corner to the kitchen. TJ and Lester sat on the counter as Reed, Angel, and Tom had decided to get as drunk as humanly possible. TJ had poured sprite into a red cup to make it seem like he was drinking. He hated the feeling of being out of control. He had been staring at the contents at hand when Lester nudged his shoulder and said, "Hey, look who's here" TJ's heart raced as the butterflies returned. Cyrus walked - well stumbled- in, but he was okay. Cyrus poured himself another drink and walked straight up to TJ ignoring the noises of encouragement from the gang. "You!" Cyrus said, pointing. TJ couldn't help but notice everyone's eyes on him. Reed eyed them suspiciously. "Me?" TJ said jokingly. Cyrus waved his arms around, and said, "UH DOY, you sir, are IGNORING me and that hurts my feelings. I THOUGH we were friends" TJ smiled a bit and hummed. Seeing Cyrus with his guard down was a rare occurrence, especially with his hair looking perfectly imperfect and his cheeks too red from the alcohol. He looked like an angry toddler. "Hey!" Cyrus slapped his shoulder. It didn't hurt. "Stop ignoring me," he said, as he slowly stumbled out of the kitchen. Everyone immediately turned to TJ, who was lovingly following Cyrus with his eyes. The place where Cyrus had hit him tingled. Reed busted out laughing "Uh," he said, "Did anyone else see that?" The rest of the gang had joined Reed in laughing, Reed began to mock Cyrus. "Stop ignoring me TJ! I love you so much muah muah muah" Reed and Tom laughed to each other. TJ's felt a lump in his throat, he balled his fists and slammed down his drink. "Why do you guys have to be such douches all the time!" TJ yelled. They had gone back to mocking TJ and Cyrus now, Reed had started to say "Oh Cyrus! You're so cool I just want to look at you all day, and talk about you all day!" TJ hopped off the counter and paced out of the kitchen. God why do I even hang out with them? He heard Lester call out saying, "Oh come on TJ, we're just teasing!" TJ felt heat overtake him, he had never felt so angry. His friends had teased him before, but they never mocked Cyrus. He found himself in Iris' backyard after having shoved his way past the hormone ridden mob. He sat on her porch steps and rested his head on his knees. He felt tears stick to his cheeks but didn't bother wiping them away. After a while, people started coming outside to see the stars, mostly couples holding hands. TJ groaned and aggressively rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. He thought someone would come out to see if he was okay, but no one did. After cooling down, TJ went back inside to see if Amber wanted to go back home. He just wanted to take a shower and go to bed. The inside of the house had gotten way messier than he expected, the music had died down and now people were sprawled out on any surface their body allowed them. He searched the rooms for Amber, only to find her curled up on the living room couch with Andi. The living room's lights had been dimmed, so he couldn't see many faces. People were playing spin the bottle, although everyone was too drunk to properly spin it, so it was more like "move the bottle, kiss who you want." He heard whoops and felt a stab of jealousy, Was Cyrus playing? Before going over to Amber, TJ saw Cyrus sprawled on the floor and Reed? Before he knew any better, Tj had pulled Reed away from Cyrus and made sure he was okay. "Dude! What's your problem today!" Reed slurred. "I'm trying to help him. I know how much you care about him." "Stay out of it Reed! Go be an asshole somewhere else!" TJ blurted out. "GOD, what is with you. Do you like him or something?" Reed said. Everyone's eyes had turned towards them. TJ felt hot and angry. His fingernails dug into his palm. He fell silent. "So we were right, you do like him! And now you're choosing him over us?! We've been friends longer than you have with that loser-" TJ heard a crack, he felt his fist hit bone. He opened his eyes and saw Reed on the floor. The next moments consisted of the gang holding back Reed while strings of curse words reigned. "Fuck you TJ," Reed finally said, "don't bother crawling back to us when you get your HEAD out of your ASS," he yelled as the gang dragged him away. Lester gave TJ an apologetic look. TJ kneeled in front of Cyrus, he didn't care about the stares, he just wanted to make sure he was safe. He had tried getting Cyrus to his feet, only for him to tell him things that made TJ's heart flutter and get thrown up on. "Hey," Tj heard a voice say softly behind him, "Hey, let's get out of here." Amber helped TJ drag Cyrus to his feet. People were staring. The music had been turned off. "What!" TJ said to the staring teenagers. Everyone flinched. The car ride home consisted of drunk Andi and Cyrus crying and hugging each other. They keep repeating, "I love you so much friend I love you so much" and "Buffy! Come hug!" "Buffy's with Walker, you'll see her soon" Amber had to repeat fifteen times. Amber didn't speak to TJ the entire ride home. When they pulled into their driveway, they saw their dad sitting in his car. Tj groaned and rolled his eyes. "What is he doing here," Amber said, " And why is he just sitting there like a creep?" TJ sighed and said, "Mom changed the locks." They looked at each other. They'd deal with their father another day. Amber and TJ learned that dragging Andi and Cyrus out of the Bug was a lot harder than getting them in. There was crying and more vomit until finally, Amber offered them cookies if they went inside. Their mom wasn't home that day. On Saturdays, she'd get wine drunk with her friends. She always told them she'd come back, but they knew she wouldn't be back until Monday morning. She wasn't a bad mother, just selectively neglectful. The twins had spent twenty minutes coaxing Andi and Cyrus into their home. Amber had taken Andi into her room, and Tj had been left with a semi-conscious Cyrus with no motor skills. He had left Cyrus on his bed to shower and change into pajamas, only to find him on his floor when he came back. TJ rushed over to him, "Cyrus! Cyrus are you okay?" He rolled him over. "I am now," Cyrus said, "You're very pretty" Tj blushed, he suddenly liked drunk candid Cyrus. "Here," he said, "put this on" TJ had grabbed a random hoodie from his drawers and handed it to Cyrus. "OH mhm okay" Cyrus slurred and painstakingly took off his dirty party clothes, TJ turned around. When he turned back around, he saw that Cyrus had crawled into his bed. He was so small that TJ only saw his forehead poking out from under the covers. He grinned and immediately frowned. I'm really in this now.

[absoluterpmemetrash]

Below are #150 lyrics taken from various Reba McEntire songs. Feel free to change pronouns/numbers as necessary.

I sent you roses, I warned you I would.

Please, don't say I'm wasting my time.

The sunlight, the moonlight are beyond my control.

There are stars in the heavens that I'll never hold.

I'm strong enough to offer my heart and never give up till you love me.

I looked in your eyes, so bright and so blue, and that's when I knew that you could be mine.

If good things come to those who will wait, well, I guess I can wait if that's what I have to do.

He takes me to the places you and I use to go.

He tells me over and over that he loves me so.

He gives me love that I never got from you.

His love is true but why can't he be you?

I should love him so because he loves me, I know.

My friends say that when he's around I'm all he speaks of.

You're the first time I've thought about leaving.

Sometimes I wait when I really should go.

Each time duty calls you got to give it all you've got with all your heart.

You know its not too late 'cause you'll always have a place to go.

I hear the winter time up north can last forever.

They say the snow can blind you till the world you left behind just disappears.

When the icy winds blow through you remember that its me who feels the cold most of all.

These hands, you can hold them all night if you want to.

These lips won't mind your kisses.

Last time I gave my heart so sweetly it broke.

I didn't think she was old enough to know.

Oh Lord we must have hurt her so.

When she begged you not to go I heard her crying.

Well I'd have given anything for time to erase.

I looked at you and you looked at me and we felt each other's shame.

You know I can't find the letters you wrote to me in school.

But after all this time, I've still got the love we made.

The first rose that you gave me, oh it finally turned to dust.

We didn't have money for food or rent, to say the least we were hard-pressed.

Mama washed and combed and curled my hair and she painted my eyes and lips.

I stepped into a satin dancin' dress that had a split on the side clean up to my hip.

Standin' back from the lookin' glass there stood a woman where a half-grown kid had stood.

Just be nice to the gentlemen, and they'll be nice to you.

Lord, forgive me for what I do, but if you want out, well, it's up to you.

The wheels of fate had started to turn and for me there was no way out.

I knew what I had to do and I made myself this solemn vow.

I was gonna be a lady someday though I didn't know when or how.

I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with my head hung down in shame.

I charmed a king, a congressman and an occasional aristocrat.

Now in this world there's a lot of self-righteous hypocrites that would call me bad.

I can still hear the desperation in my poor Mama's voice ringin' in my ears.

I watched your tail-lights as they faded in the dark.

I couldn't face the night in that lonely bed, so I laid down on the couch instead.

Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep then I cried myself to sleep.

So sure life wouldn't go on without you.

I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart.

I married when I was twenty.

I thought I was ready, now I'm not so sure.

I thought I'd done some living, but now I'm just wondering what I'm living for.

Is there life beyond my family and my home?

I don't want to leave, I'm just wonderin if there's life out there.

I've always lived for tomorrow

I've never learned how to live for today.

I'm dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away.

There's a place in the sun that I've never been.

Sit down, I've got some bad news that's gonna hurt.

I'm your best friend and you know that's right.

Your young bride ain't home tonight.

To tell you the truth I've been with her myself.

That's the night that they hung an innocent man.

He went home and finally found the only thing Daddy had left him and that was a gun.

The judge said guilty on a make-believe trial.

They hung my brother before I could say the tracks he saw while on his way to Andy's house and back that night were mine.

That's one body that'll never be found.

Little sister don't miss when she aims her gun.

The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall and everyday we said hello but never touched at all.

How was I to know he thought I hung the moon?

The greatest man I never knew came home late every night.

He never had too much to say, too much was on his mind.

I never really knew him and now it seems so sad.

Everything he gave to us took all he had.

He grew cold like an old winter wind blowing across my life.

The man I thought could never die has been dead almost a year.

He never said he loved me. Guess he thought I knew.

If you see him, tell him I wish him well.

I still miss him more than ever, but please don’t say a word if you see him.

If you see her, tell her I'm doing fine.

If you want to, say that I think of her from time to time.

Ask her if she ever wonders where we both went wrong.

I still want her.

I still need him so.

I don’t know why we let each other go.

If you see her, tell her the lights still on for her.

Nothing's changed, deep down the fire still burns for him.

And even if it takes forever say I'll still be here.

You have to drag him out of bed.

Only frosted flakes will do.

He gets that from me.

He's got me in the palm of his hands.

I swear sometimes it's just like you're here again

There's no denying he's your child.

Without him I don't know what I'd do.

He gets that from you.

How he loves your old guitar, he's taught himself to play.

He melts my heart.

That boy is everything to me.

He said he sure misses you.

He really misses you.

I had a feeling it would be you.

I thought if I didn't listen to you then I wouldn't be much of a friend.

I let you come over and cry on my shoulder the hundredth time over again.

But I thought if I wasn't honest with you

Then I wouldn't be much of a friend

I let you come over and cry on my shoulder

The hundredth time over again

All those old emotions came raining out of the blue just when I thought I'd stopped loving you.

Oh, I hate you for makign me crazy.

Why is it I keep on taking you back, baby?

I thought I'd stopped loving you.

You take two steps down the highway but you come running back

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down

When I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear, we're at a crossroads here.

If you think you can do better than this then I guess we're done.

With you I've always been wide open, like a window or an ocean.

There is nothing I've ever tried to hide.

How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me?

Consider me a memory.

Consider me the past.

Consider me a smile in an old photograph, someone who used to make you laugh.

You give grace and get forgiveness not seven times seven, but seven times seventy one.

They never really grow up, still your baby at any age.

I've known about you for a while now.

When he leaves me he wears a smile now.

As soon as he's away from me, in your arms is where he wants to be.

But you're the one he rushes home to.

You're the one he gave his name to.

I never see his face in the early morning light.

You have his mornings, his daytimes, and sometimes I have his nights.

But does he love you like he loves me?

Does he think of you when he's holding me?

And does he whisper all of his fantasies ?

But when he's with me, he says he needs me and that he wants me, that he believes in me .

And when I'm in his arms, oh he swears there's no one else is he deceiving me, or am I deceiving myself?

Oh I should not lose my temper.

I should not be ashamed.

I have everything to loose.

I have nothing to gain.

I pick up the love we made in both my arms.

I miss everything I use to have with her again.

She's/He's over me, that's where we are.

We're as close as we might ever be again.

I know why, but I don't know why we ever let this happen.

As she drives away with every piece of heart I got, I reconvince myself we did the right thing.

I don't tell her I need her.

For fifteen minutes, we're a family again.

God, I wish that he was still with me again.

[idiopathicsmile]

so, last week i was thinking somebody should write a comic about a shy teen superhero whose powers are fueled directly by her own sense of embarrassment

then i, uh, wrote a ten-page script for it? and wound up kind of liking it a lot?

so consider yourself cordially invited to read issue #1 of my extremely indie superhero comic, and if you wish, you can illustrate it inside your mind, using the power of imagination!

(A teen girl sits on a swivel chair in her bedroom, facing the viewer. She’s got braces and glasses. Her hair is in a messy braid.)

PONNI: Hi! My name is Ponni Murthy. I’m sixteen, and um…

(We zoom out a little. She’s wearing a T-shit that says “The Moon ROCKS!” She’s holding a cane—covered in glow-in-the-dark star stickers—in one hand, and a stuffed animal cat—wearing a sloppily homemade astronaut costume—in the other. Posters cover the walls: fantasy movies, rocket ships, Ada Lovelace, Aamir Khan, Sally Ride, etc. She has multiple posters of the solar system. She gestures dramatically with her cane-hand)

PONNI: I LOVE OUTER SPACE!

(We return to her face. She looks very earnest.)

PONNI: That’s not, uh, directly relevant to the story, I just—I love it, so much.

(She has now taken on a pensive expression)

PONNI: I love a lot of stuff. But I used to feel a little weird about that.

(She is cheerful again)

PONNI: This is the story of how I got over (some of) my shyness, and rescued a gymnasium full of people, using dark powers I only kind of understand!

PONNI: We begin last year…

(Close-up on her stuffed cat, which is now holding a title card that reads): THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF PONNI MURTHY A.K.A. SHAME-FLAME THE UNCONQUERABLE)

(We are in a high school hallway. Ponni has one hand on her cane, the other hand on a wheelie backpack. She’s wearing a T-shirt with a stylized drawing of Mars on it and the words “Seein’ red.” Hand-drawn arrows and words identify her as “Ponni Murthy, Freshman” “Only South Asian girl in the entire school” “Plays bassoon in school orchestra (entry level)”, “Favorite Mars rover: changes daily”)

(A cute boy is waving. Arrows identify him as “Westley Bolt, senior” “Plays cello (first chair!)” “Those eyelashes! Hot dang” “Favorite movement from Holst’s The Planets Suite: ‘Venus: The Peace Bringer’ (sensitive!!!)”)

(Ponni waves back.)

WESTLEY: Uh, hey…Amanda.

(Ponni turns around. He was waving to Amanda, standing just behind her.) (Arrows identify Amanda as “Amanda Nolan, senior” “Flautist (second chair)” “Favorite space-adjacent detail: unknown” “Probably a really nice person”)

(Ponni watches them walk off together.)

(Close-up on Ponni’s face, which has gone sort of blank.) CAPTION: Engulfed by a white-hot, all-consuming embarrassment, like sinking into surface of the sun! A VOICE FROM “OFF-SCREEN”: Ponni?

CAPTION: Roiling shame-waves blast in all directions, too powerful to be contained in the body of a single American teen! Can it be that my sheer humiliation has gone…supernova? THE SAME VOICE: Ponni!

PONNI: What?

(We zoom out a little. Her friend Vanessa has joined her. Oh, and also…) VANESSA: Your arm’s on fire.

(Ponni looks down and sees this for the first time.) PONNI: OH CRIPES! OH CRIPES, OH CRIPES! VANESSA: HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE?

(The fire grows) PONNI: (Terrified but also embarrassed) Can anybody see??? VANESSA: WHO CARES, YOU’RE ON FIRE. PONNI: I couldn’t feel it! 

PONNI: I still can’t, it’s just kind of warm and tingly.

(Close-up on Vanessa) VANESSA: You’re in shock. Stop, drop, and roll, kiddo c’mon. (Arrows identify her as “Vanessa Delbeau, freshman” “Acts cool but we watch a LOT of Star Trek together” “Favorite astronaut: Mae Jemison” “Threatens makeovers sometimes but so far so good”)

PONNI: I’m not in shock! Look, it’s not even burning my skin.

(Vanessa peers at Ponni’s arm. Sure enough, her skin is fine.) VANESSA: Whoa…what even…

(The fire has vanished.) (Ponni and Vanessa stare at each other)

(They stare at each other for another beat.)

VANESSA: … “Cripes?”

(Ponni’s arm starts to smolder again.) PONNI: If I wanna start babysitting, I need to set a good example!

(Vanessa shrugs. Ponni’s arm fire goes out.)

ANDY: Hey guys! (Arrows identify him as “Andy Shin, sophomore” “Black sheep of the wrestling team” “The only other Asian kid in my neighborhood (we high-five a lot)” “Favorite planet: Uranus (lol)” ANDY: You’re not gonna believe this but they let us out of gym five minutes early and--

VANESSA: Ponni can control fire with her mind.

PONNI (embarrassed): “Control” is, um, a strong word? (Ponni holds up her arm, which is smoldering again) ANDY: Dude! That’s awesome!

(Ponni’s arms are extinguished.) VANESSA: Shouldn’t you, like, go to a doctor? ANDY: You don’t go to the doctor for superpowers! You go to the nearest evildoers and show them your wrath, or whatever!

VANESSA: So just…keep our eyes peeled for all the secret volcano lairs of suburban Michigan? PONNI: I don’t really…have wrath… A VOICE FROM OFF-SCREEN: Stop! Please!

(Andy, Vanessa, and Ponni turn to the other side of the hallway. A boy labeled “Freshman? (not sure)” is addressing two upperclassmen labeled “Bully 1” and “Bully 2.” Bully 1 is holding something above his head.) FRESHMAN: I need to turn that in next period! BULLY 1: Well duh, maybe you shouldn’t have made it out of candy!

FRESHMAN: Don’t eat my homework, come on! BULLY 2 (Affecting a snotty voice, clear from his face he’s mocking Freshman) : Yeah, come on!

PONNI: Is that… VANESSA: A surprisingly good model of a 14th century castle, built out of Starbursts? I think so. I might need new glasses. PONNI: No.

(Closeup on Ponni’s face) PONNI: Evildoers.

PONNI (striding right up to the bullies): Hey! Quit bothering that guy and give him back his castle, he probably spent a lot of time on it! BULLY 1: Or what?

PONNI: Or you’ll regret it. (Ponni holds out her non-cane arm like it’s about to erupt into flames.)

(It does not erupt into flames. Nothing happens. There is a long beat.)

(Ponni still has her free arm out)

CAPTION: Was it all just a fevered imagining? It can’t be, Vanessa and Andy bore witness as well. Unless they, too, are mere shadows, empty projections of my shattered, lonely psyche…

BULLY 2 (to Ponni) : Hey, Unibrow! Out of the way, Tiny Tim!

(Close-up on Ponni. She is almost crying)

(New panel, also a close-up on Ponni) PONNI: WHY DOES YOUR SEXIST, RACIST, ABLEIST BULLCRAP STILL SOMEHOW GET TO HURT MY FEELINGS? IT’S NOT FUNNY OR CLEVER, IT’S JUST MEAN!

(A tear slides down Ponni’s face) PONNI: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME SAD! IT’S SO HUMILIATING!

(Zoom out. Both of Ponni’s arms are producing fireballs. The bullies are cowering in place, eyes wide.) CAPTION: That’s what triggers this power! My own embarrassment! Whoa, weird.

NEW PANEL: A WHOLE LOT OF SCREAMING AND FLEEING LATER…

(Andy and Vanessa are helping Freshman(?) re-assemble all his stuff. Ponni is no longer on fire) ANDY: Here’s your castle back, Trevor. VANESSA: Nice work on those turrets. (Arrow identifies Freshman(?) as “Trevor! Apparently”) Trevor: Uh, thanks. (To Ponni) Are you…okay?

PONNI: I’m fine. Are you? FRESHMAN(?): Yeah. Uh, I’m Trevor, hi. What should I call you?

PONNI: How about…Shame-Flame the Unconquerable.

VANESSA (whispering): I think he meant your name. PONNI: Oh! Ponni! (She holds out her hand to shake. There’s a flame coming off her palm. Awkward.)

PONNI (putting her hand back down) : Uh, good luck with your castle project! TREVOR: Thanks. Good luck…fighting crime?

(Ponni and Andy give Vanessa huge matching grins) New panel: Later that day, after school… (Vanessa and Andy are waiting outside Ponni’s bathroom door.)

VANESSA: Are you ready yet? PONNI (from inside) : Almost! VANESSA: Never thought I’d get to help design a superhero costume. ANDY: I did. VANESSA: Really? ANDY: Aim high, y’know? VANESSA: Ponni, c’mon! PONNI (from inside): I can’t believe people are gonna see me like this.

(The door swings open to reveal Ponni’s superhero outfit. Labels explain: “my dorkiest bike helmet”, “elbow pads”, “knee pads”, “ancient fanny pack I found in my parents’ closet”, “a wolf T-shirt (with noticeable mustard stain)”, a tutu labeled “(not sure why I had this??)”, a hideous plastic necklace “my least favorite aunt gave me this for my 11th birthday” and “sneakers with black socks.”)

ANDY: If your theory about your power is right, this is like, basically a super suit. VANESSA: The fanny pack’s a nice touch. What’s in there? PONNI: (grimly) Naked baby photos. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it right.

VANESSA: Ready? PONNI: Let’s go save the world.

Caption: For a while, everything went exactly as planned… PONNI (approaching a guy mugging a woman) : Stop right there! MUGGER: What the…what’s this kid doing here?

(PONNI makes an embarrassed face)

(We see the scene in silhouette—Ponni’s hands producing fireballs, the mugger jumping straight up in terror)

(We cut to Ponni foiling a bank robbery) PONNI: Give back that money right now! MASKED ROBBER: Is that a bike helmet? I…are you serious?

(Everybody in the bank stares at Ponni, who looks down.)

(There’s a hint of flames in her eyes)

(The next panel is Ponni grinning, both masked robbers raising their hands in surrender. The wall behind them is singed like she was outlining them in fireballs.)

(Cut to a very fancy-looking office. A wealthy businessman is sitting at a desk, pen poised over some paperwork.)

PONNI (from under his desk): Put the pen down! Don’t you dare put together another predatory subprime mortgage! BUSINESSMAN: Security! Security! PONNI: What you’re doing is wrong and you know it!

(Businessman stares at her. She is still balled up under his desk.) BUSINESSMAN: Listen, kid, do you even know what a subprime mortgage is? Or did you hear one thing on the news, and now you think you’re an expert? PONNI: You’re hurting innocent people! BUSINESSMAN: How long have you been under there?

PONNI: Um.

PONNI: I don’t…um…listen, I’ve got what’s called Juvenille Arthritis? And I was having a really good day this morning, pain-wise, so I thought I’d be okay down here, but now everything hurts and my cane’s at a weird angle. (she winces) Uh, I know I broke into your office, but can you help me up?

(close up on Businessman) BUSINESSMAN: …you’ve got to be kidding m—is your hand starting to smoke?

(Cut to a newspaper headline: MORTGAGE CRISIS AVERTED. The accompanying photo is Ponni sitting in a comfortable chair, giving a big thumb’s up)

CAPTION: But then things began to get more complicated. (Ponni is facing off against a Mad Scientist.) PONNI: Disarm that giant laser, right now! MAD SCIENTIST: Why should I listen to a child in a tutu and gym shoes?

PONNI: Because I’m the best darn hero this town’s got! CAPTION: Wait, what?

CAPTION: I try to summon up that rising, burning tide of self-consciousness, but I’ve done so much in this ridiculous costume, wearing it just feels good. I have to find a new path back to that terrible feeling. PONNI (beginning to panic): Uh…I get super excited when my teacher assigns us science projects! MAD SCIENTIST: Who doesn’t? (Reaches towards the laser.)

PONNI: I cried the first time I watched Shrek! MAD SCIENTIST: …each to their own?

PONNI: Stop! Stop right now, in the name of my 90,000-word Labyrinth/Harry Potter crossover fic! MAD SCIENTIST: …huh?

PONNI: I mean, Jareth had to…learn magic somewhere, right? So why not Hogwarts? The heroine is this seventh-year Ravenclaw student, who, yeah, it’s just me except she’s like, super super gifted at magic and she’s got a baby penguin for a familiar! I wound up naming my pet guinea pig after that penguin! I’ve been writing it for three and a half years. It’s got over a hundred chapters, and all the chapter titles are song lyrics!

CAPTION: I wait for the icy judgment to surface in his face. It does. I wait for the burning shame to overtake me. It doesn’t. Maybe it’s a little silly, but back before my powers took hold, working on that story was one of the few times I felt in control. It was fun to create something purely for myself. And cripes, it’s not like I was trying to destroy the world with a laser or something. I actually feel almost…proud. Uh-oh.

MAD SCIENTIST: Any last words? PONNI: Listen, if you’re going to kill me, can you do it fast? My curfew’s in twenty minutes.

MAD SCIENTIST: …your curfew is seven? PONNI: Well yeah, on weeknights! MAD SCIENTIST: Seven? You have to be home before the bedtime of most first graders?

(Flames appear in Ponni’s eyes.)

(Cut to Ponni walking away from a terrified scientist and a melted laser.) CAPTION: Way too many close calls lately. And now I only have nineteen minutes to get home. Crap. CAPTION: Then, in the middle of a pep assembly, things get worse. (A gigantic crablike monster has burst through the wall of the gym.)

PONNI: Stand down, stranger! Shame-Flame the Unconquerable is here! MONSTER: Then let me just say, Shame-Flame…

(scary close-up of the crab monster’s face) MONSTER: I respect you as an equal. CAPTION: Yikes, word’s gotten around. My foes are getting cleverer.

PONNI: How can you respect someone with a 7 pm curfew! MONSTER: That doesn’t reflect on you; it just means your parents want you to be safe. PONNI: Oh yeah? Well, I’m totally excited to take Advanced Trig next year! MONSTER: You’re preparing yourself for a job in the lucrative STEM field. No shame in that. PONNI: No, I mean, I love math for math’s sake. I’ve written little jingles about all my favorite numbers!

MONSTER: Well, that’s convenient. (Scoops up a handful of band members in one claw.) I hear music is good for the digestion.

PONNI: C’mon! Other than Vanessa and Andy, I’ve got no friends my age! Half the reason I don’t wear makeup is I don’t know how to do it right! Ever since Toy Story I talk to my stuffed animals, just in case! Doesn’t anyone want to laugh at me?

(Ponni looks around. Everyone is just panicking.) CAPTION: Cripes cripes cripes!

PONNI: Gosh, I said I’d defeat you and I can’t even summon the fire to light a birthday candle. Now that’s humiliating, right? MONSTER (pauses with that clawful of band members inches away from its terrible mouth): Not really, Shame-Flame. 

MONSTER: It’s just sad.

CAPTION: Well, that’s it. No other way.

PONNI: (cupping her hands to her mouth) Westley Bolt! Hey, Westley! (Westley is sitting four rows down. He turns around.)

PONNI: I’ve had a crush on you since sixth grade! WESTLEY: I know. I was just hoping you wouldn’t bring it up. I don’t like you back. You’re weird. Obviously.

PONNI (smiles, badass) : Oh, I know.

PONNI (turning back towards the monster) And I’ve gotta say, now that everybody knows how long I was hung up on somebody so wrong for me, it’s a little…oh shoot, what’s the word I’m looking for, here?

(The next panel is just flames)

(Then the smoke clears, Ponni’s fire is gone and the monster has fled, having dropped those band kids safely on the ground. It turns out that Trevor was also among them.)

TREVOR: That was incredible! Ponni, you saved our lives! You’re my hero!

(A tiny flame of embarrassment shoots out of Ponni’s hand.) PONNI: Oh, um. You’re welcome?  Anytime, sir. VANESSA (seeing the fire) : Ponni, your— PONNI: I KNOW.

(EPILOGUE: Ponni is back to present day, sitting on her desk chair in her room.) PONNI: Nobody was seriously hurt. Not even the crab monster, I don’t think. It took the rest of the school year to repair the gym. Andy got to switch out his PE class with an elective. He took astronomy, thinking it would be a blowoff class, but the teacher wasn’t very good so I got to explain a bunch of stuff to him! Me and Trevor dated for a few months, but he got super clingy when I left for math camp, so we broke up. C’est la vie. Oh, also I went to math camp! It was super daunting at first, and I got nervous and made mistakes. Luckily, my threshold for embarrassment is sky-high at this point, so y’know, I bounced back and enjoyed the heck out of it.

PONNI: Of course, not sure what that means for the next time some sinister force threatens our town. What happens when Shame-Flame gets…shame-proof?

A VOICE FROM OFF PANEL: No way! I found it! ANOTHER VOICE: Found what?

(Ponni looks over at Andy and Vanessa, who have been on the floor, going through a box of Ponni’s old things.) ANDY: Right here! The video of that anti-drug puppet show she did in fifth grade! PONNI: It wasn’t…for a class or anything, I was just really mega- against drugs. ANDY: Am I right in thinking it was a rock opera? PONNI: Uh… VANESSA: Ponni, what are the odds you still remember all the lyrics? CAPTION: Just kidding. That cringey feeling comes for all of us, sooner or later.

(Ponni, Andy, and Vanessa are roasting marshmallows on forks, using Ponni’s burning hand as heat.) VANESSA: Come on, one verse! PONNI: Next crab monster, Vanessa. Next crab monster. CAPTION: I guess it’s just a question of what you do with that feeling.

(Close-up of Ponni’s stuffed cat from the very beginning. It’s holding a card that says “THE END.”)

[useyourrwords]

Month Ahead // Writers Week, Comedy & Too Much To Do – March

March Madness has begun and I am tired. 

I am also in a lot of pain while writing this because cramps and I forgot to bring the medication my doctor gave me for them to work so that’s just fucking greeeeeaaaaaaat.

Is that too much information? absolutely! Do I care? Fuck no!

I’m in too much pain to care. The only reason I’m writing this now is because 1. I’m running out of time to write it before it’s meant to go up and 2. It’s distracting me from the pain…. well not really but I need to keep my mind busy otherwise I’ll sit here with my forehead on the desk and then security will probably ask if I’m okay and I don’t really feel like having that conversation right now.

But telling strangers on the internet???? That’s fine. I just can’t wait to go home and drink my cramp tea and play with my baby nephew.

So this month is gonna be crazy. It’s already been crazy to be honest and it’s only just begun!

This was meant to go up on Tuesday night but life happened and there was no way I was gonna be able to do anything on Monday or Tuesday let alone write a post about the month to come when it has already been shit.

    Honestly how many keys do I wanna add at this point????

      Monstrous March

Monstrous March is the topic for this month at Devour Your TBR.

It’s about the creepy books, the ones that give you chills. You can go with either thrillers, horrors, spooky reads.. Whatever you think fits “monstrous”!

TBR

│The Dream Thieves│The Raven Cycle #2│Maggie Stiefvater│

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I was going to read this for Fantastic February last month but I ran out of time so I’m continuing it this month.

│Skylarks│Karen Gregory│

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I’ve only just started this and it seems good so far, great talk about poverty!

│The Surface Breaks│Lousie O’Neill│

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This is so far brilliant but of course it is, it’s Louise O’Neill after all.

│The Female of the Species│Mindy McGinnis│

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This has been on my bookshelf for like 2+ years and I am finally gonna pick it up!!! Thanks to Vicky’s @ Vicky Who Reads review of the same author’s book Heroine, I new I needed to finally read this one and with it coinciding with Monstrous March for Devour Your TBR I knew it was the perfect time!

│Sharp Objects│Gillian Flynn│

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I watched the TV series for this and IT WAS SO FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!

With Monstrous March, now it’s time to read the book!

│Blue Lily, Lily Blue│The Raven Cycle #3│Maggie Stiefvater│

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I might read this if I get to it this month but it’s definitely on the back burner because I’m worried if I just read only this series all the books will meld together and I’ll get sick of the world and I do not want that to happen!

│Truly Devious│Truly Devious #1│Maureen Johnson│

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This month I’ve also added audiobooks to the mix!

I finally got a sport arm band phone case thing so I can listen to audiobooks while I’m doing housework or shopping or just running around!

I’ve signed up for Audible so if you have any recommendations PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!

I started this one while I was washing the car and it’s going to take me a little while to get used to paying close attention and not going on thought tangents but hopefully it all goes well and I’m able to get even more reading time!

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses│Jason Porath│

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│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads│Mackenzi Lee│

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Structured TBR Pass or Fail?

│Must Read:

 6/5│

 1/1│

 0/0│

 4/2│

 7/3│

 10/10│

 5/5│

│Allowances: 

 1/1│

 1/1│

 0/0│

 0/0│

 1/1│

Haul

│Barbed Wire Heart│Tess Sharpe│

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This is currently on Netgalley as read now and I loved Sharpe’s Far From You so I had to get it!

Past Grey Reads

  Book Review // Everything Leads To You – A Quite Love Story

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

        TBW

│The Bold Type│Season 2│

│2017│

Sarah Watson│

Katie Stevens, Aisha Dee, Meghann Fahy│

So I kinda finished this one this week and now I have to wait for season 3 next month!

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6│

│2013│

 Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur│

 Andre Braugher, Andy Samberg, Stephanie Beatriz│Watching weekly episodes│

I’m hoping to keep up to date with this one.

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11│

│2009│

 RuPaul│

RuPaul, Michelle Visage│Watching weekly episodes│

I’m so excited for this season! Miss Vanjie is bringing the goods already and I am here for it.

Also Boy Brooke Lyn Heights looks like pre-sobriety Mike The Situation from Jersey Shore and I can’t unsee it.

│I Am The Night│Season 1│

│2019│

 Patty Jenkins│

Chris Pine, India Eisley, Jefferson Mays│

I’m a lot behind but I want to finish this now that all the episodes are out!

│The Umbrella Academy│Season 1│

│2019│

Jeremy Slater│

Ellen Page, Tom Hopper, David Castañeda │

Ideally I will actually get around to watching past the first episode but we’ll see.

│Russian Doll│Season 1│

│2019│

 Leslye Headland, Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler│

Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee│

I wanna get past episode 2.

│Sex Education│Season 1│

│2019│

Laurie Nunn│

Asa Butterfield, Gillian Anderson, Emma Mackey│

So my coworker will not stop telling me to watch this because she knows it’s exactly my kind of show but I keep telling her I’m too busy. Well this week I finished it.

I highly doubt I’m going to get to all these but it’s a plan.

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Goals

 Get my mental health plan

 Book a therapy session

 I have to wait until April ahhhhhhhh

 Get a massage from mum

 Try and take a mental health day

 Try and take a mental health day later in the month

 Keep my shit together—So far, not so good

 Start journaling 

 Quit soft drink—I didn’t buy any this week, instead I got flavoured sparkling water because that’s the only way I like sparkling water. 

 Start floor exercises—I keep adding this and never get around to it. 

 Try and read 5 books

 Don’t waste all my time on The Sims—Also not doing great on this one already

 Go to Writers Week

     Uhhhh, I Got In A Car Accident

So Adelaide Writers Week started on Saturday the 2nd and I got my first in person book signing on Saturday which was amazing!!!

And Sunday I went for the full day and it was even better!!! Found a very funny New Zealand Author and discovered a popular Australian fantasy author is uhh…kinda boring but it was still a great day out!

Then I was on my way for another full day of Writers Week on Monday and I got into a car accident. I’m okay, as far as I know everyone else was okay but of course this has made my anxiety spike big time and the lack of communication in all areas surrounding the accident have only made it so much worse. My mum has been a god send and helped me A LOT.

So I was catching the bus this week and public transport is something that can also trigger my anxiety (particular if people I talk to me or touch me). I did really well and didn’t have any bus induced anxiety attacks! I got extra reading in and I’ve decided to start catching the bus now to and from work every day but my shopping day so save money on petrol and parking and also help with lessening the wear and tear on my new car.

My mum got me a knew car since I can’t afford to buy another one and she needs me to have a car to make her life easier. we found basically the exact same car as my old one but it’s a different colour and has way less Kms on the clock! Unfortunately after we bought it today it broke down while I was at Costco getting petrol before work!!!

Ended up needing to get a new battery and just made it to work on time and didn’t cry even though I really wanted to.

So that was the reason why I didn’t post on Tuesday. I feel like that’s a pretty good excuse.

I’m trying to stay positive, especially since I have the Daniel Sloss show to look forward to this month but man it’s really hard when all you wanna do is cry and everything seems to be going wrong and I’m still dealing with the mess of my name change!

Past Month Ahead

Month Ahead // December – I Already Hate It

 Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

 February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

I am trying y’all. 

What are you doing this month? What are you reading? What are you watching?

│Blog│Goodreads│Instagram│Twitter│Tumblr│

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[surveyyyys]

1.if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? Read -- I don't know if this is a contemporary definition of who I am, but I think The Sirens of Titan by Vonnegut would be a good example of what kind of content captivates me. Watch -- Maleficent is a really good movie because it matches my take on love and friendship pretty well. The Devil Wears Prada is also a good movie because it's basically everything I want for my own life. But they would have to stop just before Andy quits her job like I do LOL Listen to -- easily “Evelyn” by Kim Tillman and the Silent Films. I heard that song and I felt like it described me better than I could describe myself. 

2.have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? I don't think so. I've read a lot of books and really admired how those other people thought. And I connected with the messages that the books sent. But I don't think I felt that my thought process measured up to theirs LOL.

3.three songs that you connect with right now. Adia Victoria's cover of Laissez Tomber Les Filles Hurricane by 76th Street Hospital Beds by Florence and the Machine

4.would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? LOL nah. She's not very trustworthy and she seems a little passively judgmental in bed. Plus I'm straight LOL

5.have you taken someones virginity? Yes!

6.how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None LOL

7.if you could, would you take back your last kiss? I wouldn't! I think it was necessary.

8.who would you like to see in concert? Probably Marina. I think that would be a really fun concert.

9.what was the last concert you saw? I went to Warped with a few other people 2 years ago.

10.would you ever want to swim with sharks? LOL hell no

11.do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I hope so! I want to be the kind of person who's always changing.

12.what was the last thing that made you laugh? Probably something silly my mom said.

13.a song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? I don't really listen to music during sex... but probably Tadow by Masego.

14.have any pets? My sister has a cat! I like to consider her partially my cat.

15.do you want to have kids? How many? Not now obviously, but eventually. I don't think I would want more than 2.

16.do you have piercings? How many? I only have 2 ear piercings.

17.do you miss anyone from your past? Of course I do. I think that's just part of being a person though.

18.what are you craving right now? Nothing really... maybe the energy to get me through this next semester?

19.have you ever broken someone’s heart? Probably. Not like seriously broken their heart, but done a little damage to it.

20.have you ever been cheated on? Yes.

21.have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? I mean, his actions often made himself cry. But I was the one who was affected by his actions, yes.

22.do you believe in true love? I believe that true love is unconditional love, and that it only exists when it comes to family. Blood is always thicker than water.

23.favourite weather? The first few weeks of fall when it's still warm out, and the leaves are still changing color. After that it becomes a gross playground for seasonal depression.

24.do you like the snow? LOL nope never did

25.do you wanna get married? Someday. But I don't want it so much that I'm going to sit around waiting for it to happen, you know?

26.is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Sure, depends on who it is.

27.what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? LOL the weird tense we speak in.

28.go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.

29.what’s your favorite pasta dish? I like a well done spinach ravioli.

30.what color do you really want to dye your hair? I don't really want to dye my hair that badly. But when I'm old and my hair gets white anyway, I'm gonna dye it pink. Nobody's gonna argue with an old lady with pink hair, you know what I mean?

31.what’s your favorite eye color? I think this is a very "White People" question since most other ethnicities have brown eyes by default.

32.talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. LOL I get a bag like that each year. I don't really buy expensive branded bags for this purpose since I know they're gonna end up in the armpit of New Brunswick, on Rutgers bathroom floors, and on nasty buses by the end of the year. I don't love them to pieces, but I'm glad I have them. This year's bag is a small white sling bag with a pink and green floral design on it. It carries everything I would need or want on a daily basis (ex. phone, wallet, extra phone charger, gum, whatever liquid lipstick I'm wearing that day, mini Swiss Army knife, earbuds, compact mirror, etc.). I take it everywhere with me.

33.are you a morning person? Not in the slightest.

34. what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I've never broken in anywhere LOL

35.what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I don't wear a particular pair of shoes with every outfit. I think the oldest pair of shoes I own are these tattered gray boots that I got in like middle school LOL. I rarely wear them.

36.what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I never really invested in like cute or fun socks because they're always expensive and I think it's kind of a useless thing to invest in. But everyone always has these interesting fuzzy socks on and I'm like "hmm, maybe I should get a pair of those." But I never do. In terms of socks, I prefer function over fashion for some reason.

37.tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Nothing really interesting happened after 3am. There are usually 3 different post-3-AM scenarios: either I'm talking to someone for so long that it's approximately 4 to 5am before we realize it, we were drinking and someone got too drunk and blacked out/threw up, we were drinking/doing drugs and we actually survived the night without blacking out/throwing up.

38.do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! LOL I just go to Starbucks man.

39.who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I don't go stargazing with anyone. I just notice them by myself and it makes my day better. It's more of a personal thing for me.

40.what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I was always really scared of bugs. I still am.

41.do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? Nah I don't buy either. I don't have a CD/record player.

42.think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I always used to associate the song "Belle of the Boulevard" with my older sister. I don't think it applies anymore though, since she's in a relationship now.

43.what are your favorite memes of the year so far I like the lil spiderman one. I also thought the "some of you never ____ and it shows" ones were fun until they reached mainstream meme sources (Buzzfeed, Instagram, etc.) and they became unfunny.

44.do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I don't like poetry.

45.what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? A Pottery Barn gift card when I was in middle school. For both instances.

46.what are some of your worst habits? I care too much about what other people think. I also grind my teeth.

47.describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. They're really short, probably one of the shortest people I've ever met. They're an INTJ through and through, and usually pride themselves on telling it like it is. Sometimes though, they "tell it like it is" during inappropriate situations which can be annoying. They really want to be a writer, but they're working in Marketing now for the money. They're a good student, and are motivated to succeed, which is a breath of fresh air in an environment where nobody seems to care about where they're going or how to improve. Behind their IDGAF attitude, though, they give many fucks. They tell me that they care deeply for their friends, and most of the time I actually believe them (which is saying a lot for me, since I never believe that anyone cares about anyone). They have a lot of insecurities and they can try to cover up those insecurities with male validation.

48.tell us about your pets! My sister has a cat named Minnie. She's a brown cat and she's getting to be on the heavy side LOL. She screams between 3pm and 6pm because that's when she's hungry. She also likes sitting outside closed doors and screaming. She really likes boys and she'll be super sweet to them. She's pretty indifferent to girls though.

49.is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Actually, no. At most, I should probably be working on my case study or getting my shit together before school starts. But these are the last two days of my winter break. So it's okay if I relax a little bit.

50.are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I don't really care about minions LOL.

51.what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? My coworkers threw me a little birthday party and put up streamers and got me cupcakes this past summer. It really brightened my day, since no one had done that for me in years.

52.describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. I don't really gaze into my friend's eyes like that.

53.what’s some of your favorite album art? War Eternal by Arch Enemy, Broken Machine by Nothing But Thieves, How to be a Human Being by Glass Animals, Villains by Queens of the Stone Age, Heritage by Opeth, and probably a few others.

54.are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I want to get a tattoo on my upper back next summer. It's going to be a mountain range with a few birds flying over it, and 2 lines written in this language I made up underneath it.

55.do you like concept albums? which ones? I like the idea of them! I don't think I listen very much to any concept albums though.

56.what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Memento and Forrest Gump.

57.list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Oh No! by Marina, Hurricane by 76th Street, The Wolf by Phildel, Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine, Orbiting by the Weepies, Pretty Little Head by Eliza Rickman, Elastic Heart by Sia, Big Girls Cry by Sia, Cellophane by Sara Jackson Holman.

58.if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Definitely to go 5 years into the future.

59.what do you do when you’re sad? I usually just listen to music and wallow.

60.what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? I play this one specific podcast called Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. I'm usually asleep within the next 30 minutes of playing it.

61.what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? There are a few contenders. There's the night I did acid for the first time. There's any of the nights we had those parties in our suite last year where no one threw up/cried. There's that night I legitimately fell off the bed laughing, and we drove to another campus in the middle of the night in someone's pickup truck. Any one of the nights during my winter community service break trip where we cooked/got sentimental/bonded. I'm sure there are others.

62.who is the last person you told a secret to? The same friend I described in this survey.

63.what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? Many people have told me this. But it's to stop trying to jump to the finish line and enjoy the present.

64.what’s your favorite food? I don't have one specific all-across favorite food. But I really like breakfast food out of all others!

65.what’s your secret dream? I want to go on a several-day-long trip with a bunch of close friends. I don't want to tag along with my sister... I want it to be my own trip with my own friends.

66.three songs you were recently obsessed with. Despicable - Grandson OBLIVIUS - The Strokes Broken Machine - Nothing But Thieves

67.three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one --

68. three favourite old songs A Well Respected Man - The Kinks Shout At The Devil - Motley Crue Rust In Peace... Polaris - Megadeth

69.three last songs you listened to Overdose by Grandson and two other random songs I didn't pay much attention to.

70.worst possible time to get horny: During an exam (it's happened before).

71.have you ever had a friends with benefits? Yup a couple times. Didn't last very long though.

72.do you believe in soulmates? Consciously I don't, but subconsciously I do.

73.Is there anyone you would die for? My sister and my mom.

74.whowas the last person you cried in front of? My sister's cat LOL

75.do you give out second chances too easily? I actually don't give out enough second chances I think.

76.is it easier to forgive or forget? Forget.

77.is this year the best year of your life? Nope, that was definitely 2016.

78.do you have trust issues? Very much so.

79.who/what was your last dream about? I don't actually remember... I knew it was set in a university environment though.

80.would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Only if I could go back to my first year of college and relive it.

[garden-of-succulents]

I'm really enjoying the ASG story

(meme link) (fic tag link)

(Content notes: overdose/suicide mention, discussion of the mental health issues of a third party not present, discussion of being closeted/coming out and biphobia)

Andy feels sorry for the Bittle kid, or else she’s looking for a fight; either way, she finds him again at a new, emptier table, and sits next to him as the lunch crowd trickles out. He eyes her warily across the stretch of tablecloth.

“So,” she says, “I’m just double-checking, the… thing you discussed last night at dinner. I didn’t hear the end of that conversation. I’m presuming it’s something you wanted everyone there to keep confidential?”

“Yes,” he says, after careful consideration of her motives.

“Cool,” she says, and takes a drink of water. “I didn’t know if you had a plan or  media strategy or anything. It’s hard for me to be helpful if I don’t know.”

“Why would you help?” he asks, the cadence of the sentence making it sound like there was supposed to be an us on the end of it, thought better of just before it came out.

She shrugs. “Kent and I have a plan. We’re committed to the sport as a whole. Making it a less sexist, homophobic, racist place. Doing outreach to people who’ve been excluded. It kind of seems like part of the same thing.”

Bittle’s eyes are moving, taking in the last lingering diners, the staff moving between the tables clearing off the remains of lunch. “Do we have to talk about this in public?”

“I dunno. Do you wanna go somewhere more private and talk about it?”

She’s expecting him to say no, that he doesn’t want to talk about it at all, but something dampens his hostility and wariness and he tilts his head a little. “Sure, if you know somewhere. I wanna stick around a bit to watch practice.”

“I know just the place,” she says. “Follow me.”

The luxury box technically belongs to a Preds fan of Serge’s acquaintance; he and his extremely rich friends have alternate plans for the weekend, so he’s offered it as a private refuge for Serge’s friends. Mary and Andy have been using it as a nap room, though they’ll probably go back to the family section to watch the main event.  

It’s clever, Andy thinks. For all that this man has lost out by not using expensive seating for the All-Star Game, he’s gained by ingratiating himself to several of the players there. She’s pretty sure that was his plan, at least; Mary’s half-serious sweep for recording devices before taking off her bra had come up empty.

“We may be interrupted,” she tells Bittle, carding her way into the room, “but we’ll hear them come in.”

He climbs crosslegged into an armchair as she takes the sofa, reminding her for a minute of an offended tabby cat. The ice is still empty. 

“Kent postponed coming out because of Jack,” Andy says, breaking the stalemate. “I’ve known him five years now and the entire time he’s been like, ‘I can’t come out, people will speculate and it’ll make his rookie year harder’.”

“Bravo for him,” Bittle says. “That gonna change when Jack’s rookie year is over?”

“Probably,” Andy shrugs. “It won’t make as much of a splash now as when he was dating a teammate. A lot of people think ‘bi’ means ‘basically straight’. But we’re working with a couple LGBT initiatives when it might be natural for it to come out, and he’s probably going to stop hiding it.”

Bittle digests this. Then he blurts out, “He came to Samwell last year. To talk to Jack.”

“Yeah, he did,” Andy says, sighing. “He sure did.”

“I was there. He said some awful things to Jack–that he was worthless, that nobody cared about him, that he was a disappointment to his father. I heard him.”

Andy gestures with a hand and says, “You see why I’m not so crazy about Jack renewing contact with him?”

Bittle stops, peers at her. “You don’t sound surprised at that. Is he… like that all the time?”

Good god, he looks concerned.  “It’s… a thing he struggles with. I’ve seen him do it at other people. And I talked with him the morning after he went to Samwell, got his version of the story and talked him into not jumping off a bridge.”  And now Bittle looks slightly horrified. “Look, a lot of Kent’s fucked-upness… has to do with Jack. And he was having a really rough time before he went there. It’s kinda why he went. Guy on the team he was dating snapped his hamstring, will never play hockey again. Two friends retire. New guy gets traded. Next guy gets sent down. Eventually he just thought, if they want a new centre so bad, he should go talk to Zimmermann about signing on early.”  She sighs.  “But yeah, I woke up the next day to a text all, ‘Well, I made Zimms hate me for good now’.”  Andy shrugs her shoulders, trying to dispell tension. “In a way it was kind of a good thing. He gave up his idea that somehow getting the perfect team back together was gonna fix things for him, and focused on the things he actually could control, like his own mental health.”

What’s weird is, her mouth tastes like tears. What feels weird is, she was cool and calm that day, helping Kent like a pro, and the sadness of it never hit her until now.

“So I’d really appreciate it,” she adds, “if Jack could... not waltz back in and blow his peace of mind to shreds again. We just got it back together.”

“What’s got him so... messed up so bad, over Jack?” Bittle asks, like he’s getting it for the first time.

There’s a long answer.  There’s a short answer. There’s the years of therapy answer. And a lot of them she doesn’t think someone with so much power to hurt Kent deserves to know; Bittle’s boyfriend will have to do a lot to earn Andy’s trust.

“I think,” she says carefully, “that having his best friend, who he loved most in the world, attempt suicide on him without warning or explanation, and then break up with him, and then stop talking to him, kind of... did a number on him.”

Bittle stares at her for a moment, then says, “Jack didn’t attempt suicide.”

Andy blinks. Hard. “Excuse me?”

“The overdose. Before the draft. It was an accident. He was drunk and messed up his dosage. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Andy gets off the couch before she’s actually aware she’s doing it. Forward momentum brings her closer to Bittle, which she doesn’t want, so she turns and paces back, leans her balled fists against the wall.  She doesn’t exactly feel like crying but she wishes, as she presses her forehead against them, that the human body had some other means of venting frustration and rage.

She can even guess how it happened, too: It wasn’t your fault, Kenny mistranslated into You weren’t important when it was meant as It was an accident.

“He could have said so,” she says. The words are pale and weak. From the helpless gesture Bittle makes, he knows what feeling would have gone into those words if she’d been capable.

She goes back to leaning her head against her hands and Bittle says, “I’ll... I’ll talk to Jack, okay? I don’t... I understand your concerns.”

“Thanks,” she says tonelessly.  She allows herself not to look up as Bittle gets up off his chair and sidles out of the room.

[itsjustascarecrow]

so. today marks a pretty special occasion for me. today officially marks the 5-year anniversary of the first LA Kings/hockey game i’ve ever been to. on Thursday, April 4th, 2013, my dad and i went to the Kings v. Wild game and saw Justin Williams score one minute and twenty nine seconds into the first period for what would eventually be the game-winning goal, as former Kings backup goaltender Jonathan Bernier posted a shutout.

so i’m making a post to sort of commemorate this achievement(? i guess you can call it that)--5 awesome years of being a hockey fan, and all the amazing games and events and players i’ve seen in these past 5 years.

first i’ll start w/ some totals (that do not include the game i’m going to tonight):

Games:

NHL: LAK (46); SJS (9); COL (5); STL (4); CBJ DAL (3); ANA ARI BOS CHI EDM MIN PIT (2); CAR CGY FLA NSH NYR PHI TBL TOR WSH WPG (1)

2012-13: 6 total (2 regular season, 4 playoff) 2013-14: 9 total (6 regular, 3 playoff) 2014-15: 8 total (all regular) 2015-16: 12 total (1 preseason, 10 regular, 1 playoff) 2016-17: 12 total (2 preseason, 10 regular)*’**

*2017 NHL All-Star Game (not included in total) **includes a non-LAK game (CBJ @ ANA)

AHL: ONT (6); BAK (2); CLE IWA SAR SDG (1)

2015-16: 4 total (2 regular, 2 playoff) 2016-17: 2 total (all regular)

NWHL: BOS NYR (1)

2016-17: 1 (regular)

Goals Scored:

NHL: -Kings: total - 127 by season:  2012-13: 18  2013-14: 28 2014-15: 24 2015-16: 30 2016-17: 27

-Opponent: total - 109 by season: 2012-13: 10 2013-14: 26 2014-15: 16 2015-16: 26 2016-17: 31

**CBJ @ ANA: 4-0 CBJ final score (not included in any above totals)

AHL: -Reign: total - 13 by season: 2015-16: 8 2016-17: 5

-Opponent: total - 9 by season: 2015-16: 8 2016-17: 1

NWHL: -Pride: total - 4 -Riveters: total - 3

largest amount of goals scored by a single team: 6 (Kings x3, Stars x1) number of shutouts: 9 (includes all leagues: Kings x4, Sharks x1, Penguins x1, Blue Jackets x1, Condors x1, Reign x1)

Wins vs. Losses:

NHL: Kings: 26 Opponent: 20 by season: 2012-13: 5-1 2013-14: 5-4 2014-15: 5-3 2015-16: 7-5 2016-17: 4-7**

**does not include CBJ @ ANA

AHL: Reign: 4 Opponent: 2 by season: 2015-16: 2-2 2016-17: 2-0

NWHL: Pride: 1 Opponent: 0

there’s probably a hell of a lot more info number-wise i could put on here, like which individuals we’ve seen score the most for and against each team, etc., but honestly idk if i have the patience to figure that out, lmao. also i’m sure there’s plenty of games we’ve been to where so-and-so or what’s-his-face got a milestone goal/point/game career total but again, can’t be bothered to go back and look it up. for those who may want more info tho, here’s a post i made a while ago that i update regularly w/ all the games i’ve been to w/ a final score and the goal-scorers.

for real tho like. i don’t wanna get all sappy and shit and suddenly turn this post all emotional (just watch me do so anyway) but i honestly cannot express how much this sport means to me. like insert tragic backstory(tm) here and how hockey was what saved me and all that jazz but shit like. i mean yeah this shit’s got it’s ups and downs but at least whenever i get frustrating about personal stuff, i can distract myself w/ a game. or if the game’s pissing me off, at least i’m not focusing on all the shit going on in my personal life. b/c before i started watching, i really.. didn’t have much, kinda?? 

basically i went through a major bought of depression throughout 2012 which sorta peaked in early 2013 w/ stuff i’d rather not discuss here, but if my dad hadn’t taken me to that game 5 years ago, i honestly don’t know if i’d still be around today. i felt like i’d lost a lot. nothing interested me anymore. my favorite band at the time broke up when i felt like i’d already hit rock bottom. i had like no outlet for what little strong emotion i did feel at the time b/c otherwise i just felt empty. but when Justin Williams scored that goal a minute and twenty nine freaking seconds into that game, i knew that was it. that’s what sealed the deal for me. 

i had zero idea what to expect, even w/ my dad giving me a basic rundown of the roster and some basic rules about the game. like we watched the wild warm up (b/c that’s where our seats were) and my dad kept pointing out Zach Parise to me damn-near every time he skated past us b/c he’s a former UND alumni, as is like half my family on my dad’s side, but after a while it was like “okay dad, i get it. Zach Parise. UND. pretty cool,” lmao. and then the game starts and it was so quiet. like i’ve been to like a million high school football games, a good number of pro baseball games, and one pro basketball game, but all of them were.. well a hell of a lot louder, for one. like people were watching the game, but at the same time they weren’t. people in and out of their seats all the time, tons of idle chit-chat, etc. but when that first puck dropped, people sat down and shut up. they watched, like. really watched. and when Williams scored, the utter elation of the entire building (save the wild fans of course), the horn, the “hey hey hey!” chant complete w/ fist-pumping--it was just. i honestly can’t even describe it properly. but what i can say was that it was the first time in a looong time i felt genuinely happy. 

and here i am exactly 5 years later. going back to Staples for my 47th Kings game. and i like to think i’ve seen some pretty wild shit in these past five years. league rule changes that ultimately changed the entire ASG format, amazing players both leaving and joining the league (i.e. Teemu Selanne, Auston Matthews), the 2014 Olympics, a few All-Star games, and a World Cup, the first paid pro women’s league and the U.S. women’s team fight for equitable wages, the first transgender athlete to play pro hockey (i.e. the amazing and inspirational Harrison Browne), a freaking expansion team in Vegas. 

and speaking of Vegas, i went to the first ever hockey games held in the new arena, and while it wasn’t the result we wanted, at least i got to spent two nights in a row in the coolest new arena in town, plus i got to see 3 native players on the ice in one game on the second night vs. the Avalanche, which is probably more than any other team/match-up in this league could boast. and i could not have been more proud.

i was there for Andy Andreoff’s NHL debut where he got into a fight w/ Matt Hendricks in his first shift on the ice. 

i accidentally met Matt Greene’s parents b/c his mom happened to notice my dad was wearing his jersey and asked for a picture. 

i ran into Bob Miller outside Staples and he let me see his 2014 Stanley Cup Championship ring, the same night they raised the banner. 

the first time i saw my next favorite team, the Avalanche, was three years ago on the 2-year anniversary of my first Kings game, and i took @gofredthefish​ along for the ride. 

i stood and cheered and cried for Mike Richards and Justin Williams on their return to LA after both had signed w/ the Capitals. 

i was there to see Jonathan Quick’s epic scorpion kick save against Winnipeg three seasons ago (the night before we drove down to San Deigo so i could catch an Of Mice & Men concern, then drive back to LA the following day so i could catch a flight to Bismarck, ND to visit family for senior year spring break).

i jokingly put a “native curse” San Jose’s bench before warmups back in 2014 during the first round of the playoffs, the night the Kings started their reverse sweep (as well as it being Tyler Toffoli’s 22nd birthday).

the first shootout i ever saw went to the Blues, courtesy of Troy Brouwer’s goal in the 7th round.

sent our 2014 Olympians off on a high note w/ a 2-1 overtime win against the Blue Jackets where Robyn Regehr scored the gwg from right in front of where i was sitting.

went to my first game in Honda Center and the Ducks were gloriously shut out. (i was also one of maybe ten Blue Jackets fans in the entire building.)

saw Dwight King score on Marty Brodeur from the blue line, Alec Martinez score on the Avs twice on the same play, Milan Lucic’s first game in Staples Center as a King, got a video of the signature Nick Foligno/Sergei Bobrovsky Hug(tm)--twice, since they shut out the Ducks that one time, saw the home team get a 3-0 shutout in both my first NHL and AHL games, was there for the Luc Robitaille statue unveiling outside Staples, and stood less than 10 feet away from Cam Atkinson outside Staples before the 2017 ASG. 

i went to a Reign game where they knocked the San Diego Gulls out of the playoffs just a couple of weeks after i was released from the hospital after falling into a diabetic-induced coma (also i had a cold but i’ll be damned if i wasn’t gonna persevere).

i went to two separate You Can Play-sponsored LGBT+ Pride Nights for both the NHL and NWHL--and speaking of which, that particular NWHL Pride Night was my first ever women’s hockey game ever. and Boston kept their “undefeated since last january” record alive and well.

and the one moment that still makes me cry every time i think about it was when i saw Matt Duchene score his first goal of the season in 2015-16 in what would eventually be his first 30-goal season. i was sat in the second row right in front of where he threw himself into the glass in celebration, so i like to think we kinda celly’d together.

but best of all, i got to meet @hockeyacegrace earlier this season on Native American Heritage Night, and took @kylorenedict to the Kings’ opening night against the Flyers to kick off the 50-year anniversary of the First Expansion. and not to mention the many other wonderful friends i’ve made in this fandom, who also include (but are not limited to) @brandoncarlo, @jodrouin27, @sadchihuahua, @elzaechelon, @marianyossa, and @dominic-turgeon​. 

basically just. here’s to 5 gods damned years of selling my soul to this hell on ice. and gods damn it, here’s to 5 more.