#i still struggle with self worth a lot as a fat person

[vox-off]

it waters my crops, clears my skin, etc. whathaveyou whenever i see vintage photos of queer couples who are very in love and also fat

[colourstreakgryffin]

Heyyy! May I request headcanons for Carmila CarminexReader who has similar mannerisms to Obanai? (Both live rent free in my head) Have a good day/night!!!

Haha. Awww, that’s cute and I can absolutely see it! I am not sure how it’d go personally but let’s try it out for fun. Shall we! God, I struggled with this so much so I’m sorry if it blows

Carmilla Carmine- Bandy-Bandy

You’re a unique one, that’s for sure. Thats what Carmilla tells herself when her beloved daughters, Clara and Odette, brought you as a brand new potential employee for them. A lonely quiet determined sinner with a connection to all kinds of snakes

Carmilla watches you, at first, to test how good you are at the job her precious daughters gave you and she is pleased with the results. You’re quite good but you’re also kinda isolated and don’t talk to anybody besides your hyper-intelligent ‘scarf-snake’ friend

But then Carmilla’s watching becomes one of interest… you’re interesting, your behaviour is a lot less than what she suspected from a Sinner worker and how antisocial and distance you are is intriguing for anybody, even her

Carmilla does end up approaching you and she gives you a luck h… despite the fact you already have one and whilst you’re kinda blunt and quiet and uninterested, you’re polite and respectful since you know her position and let her accompany you

So, this became routine. Everyday, Carmilla comes over to you during lunch and presents you with a fancy lunch she has made for you and enjoys a lunch break with you. She is more of the talker whilst you listen to her quietly, surprisingly

Carmilla took a while but she’s been relatively open, talking about her beloved daughters, about other Overlords annoying her during meetings, about a number of things about herself. It’s shocking for a strong mature woman like her to even speak on these things with her new employee

It took quite some time but throughout all the sessions Carmilla has befriended and talking to you and having a meal with you privately, you ended up developing quite the fat crush on her to the point you get jealous and agitative towards others being close to her… except Zestial, to a degree

Carmilla doesn’t really notice how protective and aggressive you’ve become to others. She just believes you and her are good friends but you don’t feel that way at all; you love her dearly, so much that she is now basically your everything… even after you feared women heavily due to your awfully tragic past including your primarily female cult of a family

You don’t really eat unless Carmilla is nearby and since Carmilla is a kind graceful yet powerful woman, even as a mighty Overlord, she’ll eat with you since she notices how dependent you are… on her? She suspects it’s something to do with comfort so doesn’t question it too much

Carmilla is your starlight, the sugary yet tough mochi that has truly changed your life from a bland hell of self-deprecation and loathing to something much worth it. Now, you can actually express emotions better and you want to give yourself fully to Carmilla as to express how much you adore her

Carmilla is seemingly oblivious to your intense love for her as she has grown to view you, as she acts, like a surrogate child of hers. She doesn’t notice your affections and favouritism and much more, she just believes you’re a enthusiastic employee of the business that wishes to please it

Carmilla does, in general, appreciate and like you. It’s why she still approaches and tries to bond with you to this day. You’re a mysterious, quiet but fearless and strong and willing to rip people a new one. She respects that and it’s a reason she likes you

“Hello once more, dear friend. It’s been quite the rough day. My girls have had the hardest hours for quite a few years recently. Would you like to hear it?”

[enbycrip]

I keep seeing and hearing things from friends and other folks I hugely respect who work in really *important* professions and areas of life - science, museums, art, education, care and nursing, medicine - beating themselves up as they are fucked around and treated badly. And one of the things I keep hearing is “I’m such a fool, I made a really stupid choice of career, I’m clearly not good enough for this”.

And I need to say this:

Mate, you did *not* make a bad decision re your career.

You made the decision based on your passion and ability for something that is *incredibly important*.

The fact that you did so in fucking end stage capitalism when industries, professions and areas of work we should be investing in heavily are being gutted because capitalism doesn’t value vital things is *not your fault*.

And trust me, as a person who has a pretty severe energy-limiting illness; it’s *not* a moral failure to be burned out. It’s actually a really normal human response to *things being hard* and being overwhelmed by things that are not your fault.

You are accomplishing things, and pretty awesome things at that. But it’s also worth bearing in mind that you actually have worth as a human that isn’t tied to a job or career, or to the art of whatever medium you produce, or in being smiley and upbeat for your mates.

*You matter regardless of what you produce.*

And every time that feels inadequate, or like an excuse, remember how much effort capitalism and capitalist institutions put into convincing you of that, and that these things are *your individual failures* and *not* systemic problems caused by social failures to value what actually matters in the world.

I sit here and tell myself this all the damn time because it was literally the only way to survive in a world that wants me to believe that my life as a disabled person with limited capacities and a lot of need for rest is meaningless, and that that fact is my own fault. I’m getting better at internalising it now, but it means it hurts even damn more when I see wonderful people who are doing important work being beaten up by the same things I was, and to an extent still am.

I also have to tell you; as a disabled person with a *very* limited ability for paid work, or for a huge amount of unpaid work I desperately want to do, it is *really* difficult to hear much more abled people denigrating their achievements that feel far far more than I will very likely ever be able to do.

Please do think about the impact your words have when you broadcast your internal self-loathing out there. There *will* be people you care about dying a little bit more inside every time you denigrate stuff you have achieved that they have been holding as a distant goal.

I am not trying to guilt anyone by saying this; I am saying it because hearing about how my internalised fatphobia and letting out my self-loathing over my relatively thin body was harming fat folk I cared about was one of the things that helped me get a good bit of the way over some crippling body image stuff.

Valuing yourself and what you actually do, are, and contribute is *hard* work, and it’s so worth doing.

It is not “losing your standards” or “becoming complacent” to recognise how much of what you struggle with is systemic and *not* your individual failures. It is realising the amount of work an unequal and abusive system puts in to stop people from resisting it and turning our energies from beating ourselves up in self-hatred to *working for change*.

[pygmi-says-hi]

tips on enemies to lovers? two types the fun enemies to lovers and 'enemies' to lovers where they kill each other

my favorite bitch in town oh i love this.

let's kill this dead

haha like the enemies to lovers get it get it. teehee.

'hate sex' enemies to lovers vs 'fuck that's a knife' enemies to lovers

different vibes, y'all! I covered a lot of this in my romantic tension post here but I am happy to elaborate with specific examples.

For the more intense like i'm-gonna-murder-you enemies to lovers, there has to be a Big Fat Reason. Like, the whole family rivals or best friend's ex kinda deal isn't gonna cut it. I mean there needs to be a huuuggge antagonizing point to validate this hatred.

Pure hatred for another person is insanely layered. There are so many avenues you can take with this - use as many as you can (or that make sense). A common reason for enemies to lovers to feel shallow or boring is when the tension isn't very tense. When you want as shocking and compelling a transformation as this, you really need to work the tension.

Also don't rush it. If you put a lot of effort into the binding tension and frustration and then blow it because you were tired of waiting....like, what are you even doing. THE WAITING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BORING!! it can be interesting too!!

push and pull. give and take. make a little progress, then step back. more progress, another step back. It's a much more realistic process for two reluctant lovers than pure hatred, one flirtatious conversation and then explosive fucking for ten pages. like, yay you just ended the story ig. woohoo.

think about the process!!

'hate sex' enemies to lovers

what I mean by this is the stakes are comparably low, and it's more of a repressed-feelings-sassy-banter-flirting kind of enemies. not like your head on my wall enemies. still enjoyable! and doesn't always have to be the 'shallow' trope.

The goal I have in mind is to make the readers frustrated. The obstacle is probably easily overcome, but because of the emotional constipation of the characters, they keep getting stuck. The readers should be tearing their hair out, begging for them to make up.

This is a really impactful opportunity for some emotional turmoil. Emotional turmoil is all internal, so it's up to the character to overcome it. If Emma is fighting her attraction for Jesse because she's struggling with her sense of pride and self-worth, that's a frustratingly relatable problem that really draws the readers in.

something like 'oh they want to fuck but they won't because they just keep arguing' is boring as fuck. Saltine Plot. nothing should ever be 'just because.' there needs to be something that ties the characters to the problem.

overall

enemies to lovers is a golden trope for a reason. it examines two very visceral emotions - hate and lust. both of those emotions have a lot of potential that aren't just banter and hate sex. seriously, check out my main post for this, it'll help!

xox

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

If I ask you to gush about size difference Style *cough* big boy Stan and short Kyle *cough* would you?

FUCK YEAH I WILL!!! Lmao how many times have I gushed about size difference style way too many and BY GOD I’ll never stop

My NUMBER ONE reason to be an enthusiast is the Style Carry™️ ugh I love that shit so much especially because angry spicy little Kyle “reluctantly” being picked up by his gentle giant knight in shining armor Stan is just so iconic. Particularly because I will never not find pissed off Kyle hilarious. Stubborn little asshole.

Big boy Stan particularly is dear to me because that boy is a sentimental loser with a canonical hoarding problem and just. Him holding onto old clothes. Staniel that AC/DC shirt from 9th grade is begging for mercy no it does not still fit you. And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again intimidating at first glance characters being absolute softies is PRECIOUS. The definition of looks like he could kill you is a cinnamon roll. That’s my sensitive son Stanathan.

Conversely Kyle being looks like a cinnamon roll could kill you. Just too good. Even PCE Kyles who tend to lean more towards the less outwardly aggressive side, more the logician, they’re still fiercely stubborn and determined and can out argue anyone but his mother and God. Bro packs a hardcore punch and will not hesitate to if it comes to that, and it’s hysterical when he’s fighting someone much bigger than him. People expect Stan to jump in with a “pick on someone your own size” but Stan knows his super best boyfriend.

Also size difference style cuddles. Kyle using Stan as a pillow, casually sitting in his lap, resting his head on those beefy arms, and Stan coming up behind Kyle to drape over him like a dog that thinks they’re still a puppy, kissing the top of his curls, just AAAA. And honestly there’s nothing more iconic than small Kyle scolding big Stan for something and Stan just folding bc a big guy looking so pathetic and sorry is funny as shit bonus because Kyle can’t stay mad at those sad animal eyes.

Worth noting that the handful of times I’ve written Kyle as the taller of the two Stan’s still a big boy. Elf Kyle may be tall and lithe but Knight Stan is still big and built, just slightly shorter. Yes this is primarily because I want the Style Carry™️ to be relatively natural and easy. I’m a Whumpshot wizard of simple pleasures.

Now, I’ve seen chubby Kyle headcanons and read fics where he’s gotten fat. I like that too. Personally, I prefer Kyle on the thin side, because a lot of people who struggle with self worth and acceptance tend to deal with anxiety and trouble eating, and we do see that in Kyle. That feels very Kyle to me idk. I just see him on the short and skinny side in general, which makes his actual personality that much more iconic. Unassuming in appearance, but a powerhouse.

[spoocys-glade-of-dreams]

Rayman Head Canons: Captain Laserhawk Globox Edition Part 2

. Adding onto one of the points made in a previous post: Globox is both an inventor and mechanic. He has built a lot of things around his house to make life easier for him and his adopted kids. He often builds devices, tools, and weapons for Murfy's group and will have them smuggled into Eden for them to use.

. Globox is close to Murfy. He doesn't interact much with Raymona due to the fact he's trying to keep his identity secret from her and Rayman. He knows Raymona will recognize him if he appears in video calls and worries she will tell Rayman. It's one of the main reasons he only uses audio in these calls.

. Globox has no idea how the production of his costumes happened. He had no say in it and will joke about how he deserves payment for them using his image for profit.

. Globox is not only very tall, but he's also very fat. He has a lot of trouble when he's out on the field; Bumping his head against door frames, having to crouch a little when he's in certain rooms, and he is very prone to getting stuck when he has to squeeze through small spaces. Due to this, he struggles with doubts of self worth that he doesn't like to talk about. Sometimes he feels like a burden on the team.

. Globox is the king of dad jokes. Will also joke about himself in ways that will embarrass the kids and give him a laugh.

. Globox is very stubborn about how he raises his kids. He will talk back to people that try to tell him what to do. This has contributed to why most of his neighbors have moved away from his house.

. I took some inspiration for the depiction of Captain Laserhawk version of Globox from Caractacus Potts, the main character in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He also has some personality traits from Sonic the Hedgehog, as well as the voice claim of Jason Griffith.

. While Game/Main Globox is a mix of his Rayman 2, Arena, and 3 appearances, CLH Globox is more faithful to Origins and Legends. He lacks the fearfulness and timid nature his game counterpart has. Still a very sweet guy with a deep care for others. He is the dad friend of the group.

[uncloseted]

i have been struggling for a while with understanding whether im suffering from disordered eating or not. i eat quite regularly. i know i am skinny and quite petite. but i catch myself just having coffee, or i think "oh we can ride the hunger out" when i do find myself getting hungry. it's not that i don't want to eat- i just can't bring myself to sometimes (idk if i'm making sense). but when i hear stuff about DE (e.g. the new charli xcx song) i find myself relating to it. (pt.1)

(pt.2) i did engage in some AN behaviours as a 14 y/o (glorifying AN, that sort of thing) but now i'm just sort of like.. do i have disordered eating? like i like food, i eat out, i eat quite healthy, but i just don't eat... enough? and i have thoughts about SH at times, but i never actually do it.. where do i fall? i am just so confused, i'd appreciate any perspective you have on this

I think disordered eating is a spectrum, and a lot of people (especially women in developed countries) fall somewhere on that spectrum. For disordered eating to be anorexia, the following criteria has to be met:

Restriction of energy intake (food) relative to requirements, leading to a significant low body weight in the context of the age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health (in atypical anorexia, the requirement that the person has a significantly low body weight is dropped, but the restriction of energy intake is the same)

Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain.

Disturbed by one’s body weight or shape, self-worth influenced by body weight or shape, or persistent lack of recognition of seriousness of low bodyweight.

If that sounds like you, it may be worth scheduling an appointment with your primary care doctor or a therapist to discuss what you're going through and what your options for normalizing your eating habits might be.

If you find yourself skipping meals or putting off eating but you don't have a fear of gaining weight and the way your body looks doesn't usually impact your mood or day to day life, it may not be an eating disorder, but might still qualify as "disordered eating" (if that makes sense). I would maybe try to intentionally eat when you have those thoughts of "I can ride the hunger out" and see how it makes you feel emotionally.

[oldcoyote]

Understand that I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but fatphobic culture and diet culture normalises a lot of very unhealthy ways of relating to food. Calorie counting and dieting and skipping meals are normalised methods of disordered eating, even if they don't constitute a full Eating Disorder. Frequently weighing yourself too is a normalised way of developing self hatred for nothing, because it doesn't serve any purpose other than to flagellate yourself--and even if it was a useful corollary for health, it would still be concerning compulsive behaviour. If you were frequently measuring your blood pressure, or your heart rate, or some other easly monitored indicator of health, that would be concerning too, because it would be clear that it takes up an outsized amount of your focus. The fact that you (deliberately?) purge is above and beyond even that.

I don't want to preach to you, but it might be helpful to consider why you do these things, and how it would make you feel if tomorrow you just stopped doing these things. Could you stop? Could you just stop weighing yourself and counting calories and throwing up? Do you think these things are actually health promoting, and if they are do you think they're worth the harm they do? You don't have to answer these to me, but you should think about it.

I know learning about all the garbage lies peddled by fatphobia has been a struggle for you. I really wish the best for you.

thank you so much for worrying love, it's very kind of you. i am reading over this a few times to take all of it in and understand.

i definitely can stop (and have many times) but it tends to be detrimental for me to do so. when i stop weighing myself every day and stop calorie counting, my weight shoots up very fast. i've gained 20kg (44lbs) in the last year because i stopped and tried to let my body just be as it is, and now everything is a lot more frustrating and difficult because of the gain. my chronic pain is worse, and i can't afford to replace the clothing/equipment that's no longer suited to my rapidly expanding frame

i struggle very deeply with the fatposi movement because my internalised fatphobia is so intense. i have zero fatphobia when it comes to anybody else, and i'm so proud of so many people i know and see for letting go of that life and living authentically and loving who they are now - i envy them. i just know in my soul, i can't do that. in the same way i am unfathomably cruel to myself over little mistakes and accidents that aren't even my fault, how i can be so outright abusive to myself, i know at the same time that i could never by any stretch of the imagination be that way to another person that's not me. the only person i can ever deliberately hurt is me, because i am not worth anything, so it doesn't matter

the same goes for the fatness rule. i am proud of, and happy for, everybody else accepting their fatness. it just can't be me.

i don't know how to let go of the ingrained, rock-solid belief that seems etched into my very being that i will finally be happy and worth something when i'm thin. the things i would agree to if someone could just snap their fingers and make me thin in exchange are absolutely horrifying. i want it more than anything. it has been my whole life's desire for decades and at this point, i don't know how to not want it so much. i just want to be worth something more than anything in the world and i don't know how to uncouple my worth from thinness. i don't see thinness as worth or fatness as a lack of worth in any other human being, so i don't know why i can't escape it when it comes to me

i will say that i cannot stop doing these things again, at this stage, i have to keep doing them to keep control over the situation before it escalates and gets even worse. i know these things are horrible and probably will lead to a full blown ED if i don't watch out, but the alternative is something i just cannot afford. i am so so grateful to everybody for trying to help. i just need to figure out some kind of balance. <3

[drill-teeth]

Some people genuinely can’t figure out the difference between “accusing someone of faking a disability” and “a disabled person pointing out the symptom you described doesn’t match the words you’re using for it”. And it’s really fucking uncomfortable and results in a shit ton of ableist behavior.

I’ve noticed lots and lots of self diagnoses that are extremely under-researched. I’ve noticed a lot of people who don’t fundamentally understand the symptoms and conditions they are saying they have just in general. And I’m not saying they have no symptoms at all. I’m not saying we shouldn’t take people seriously. Our society does way too much disbelieving people (especially already marginalized people) about their health. And I do approach things in good faith and believe people when they tell me they struggle and tell me about their symptoms.

I’m just finding it harder and harder to have discussions with people about when the experience and symptoms they are describing to me doesn’t fit the terms they’re using. And I’m not trying to dismiss or invalidate them at all. Their symptoms and struggle are still worth taking seriously. But the second I say “you should probably do some more research and read more articles by people who have (condition)” they act like I don’t believe them at all. And that’s not true.

And the reason I bring this up is because this inability to have a good faith discussion with other people about the way symptoms impact people has hurt me and other people I know. I’ve talked with people who say they have memory loss who understand it as being forgetful in their daily life (which is still a symptom to take seriously) who are harsh on me for my huge gaps in my long term memory. And it’s genuinely devastating to hear someone say they understand the “memory loss struggle” and then immediately get frustrated with me for not recalling how we met or an event we went to together. And that’s not even the only symptom or condition I have that people have refused to be understanding about while saying they know the experience.

Again I don’t think fake claiming is good. It’s not. Self diagnosing is an important part of treating your own health. Especially when you’re someone doctors already don’t take seriously like a person of color, LGBT+, afab, fat, multiple of those at once, and etc. I just noticed more and more people becoming hostile with me for trying to have a good faith discussion with them about disability in general.

This was a bit less organized than I intended, but I’ll summarize it like this. Disabilities are by definition disabling. They impact the ability to function. And I’m meeting more and more people who don’t seem to fully understand that and are quick to snap on me when I say I can’t remember something or I can’t get up off my bed because the pain is so intense or make fun of me when I don’t understand a tone or a joke. And saying “no this specific symptom is generally more intense or different than how you’re describing it” gets disabled people who want to provide a better understanding of disability harassed out of spaces. ESPECIALLY spaces that are supposed to be “disability friendly” for trying to educate about the experiences people are literally describing to them.

This post is about the harassment of disabled people in “accepting spaces” for trying to educate about conditions and symptoms. Do not derail.

[swamp-spirit]

Good times to compliment somebody for losing weight -When they’ve been putting a lot of effort into eating healthy and exercising with the goal of losing weight, especially if they’re struggling with a weight related medical issue.

Bad times to compliment somebody for losing weight -When they’re dealing with health issues that cause vomiting or reduce hunger, such as going through chemo or recovering from the flu. Framing somebody’s medical issues as a health positive because it made them skinny sucks. -When they’re going through an emotional crisis such a depressive episode, end of a long term relationship, or death of a loved on. Grief and depression can make people ‘too sad to eat‘, and this is never a cause for celebration. -When they’re using dangerous exercise and dieting techniques. Intense ‘fasting‘, spending hours in the gym, and vomiting after eating are all forms of self harm and rapid, intense weight loss can be deadly. If your loved one is losing more than ~2 pounds a week, they probably aren’t making ‘healthy‘ choices -Any time you don’t know it *isn’t* one of these. Seriously, unless you’ve been around supporting their new jogging hobby and home cooking, you don’t know if they just lost their mom and can’t make themselves eat. You don’t know if they’re starving themselves because they don’t feel like they ‘deserve‘ food. You don’t know, so find something else to compliment, and, honestly, if it’s dramatic weight loss, ask them how they’re doing. -Yes, even if they were, or are still ‘fat‘. Starving yourself doesn’t become safe or healthy at any weight, and an eating disorder doesn’t need to make you ‘skinny’ to be dangerous -Literally don’t. The risk of your high school bestie being pissed you didn’t compliment their great figure is not worth risking the damage complimenting unhealthy weight loss can do. Literally every person I know who has stopped eating because of an eating disorder, grief, or severe medical incident has received multiple compliments on their weight loss, even if/when they fell well below a safe weight. Don’t make it worse, don’t say you’re jealous, just don’t.

[spaceorphan18]

Why doesn't anyone write au's where either Kurt, Blaine, or both of them are fat? Yes, obviously Chris and Darren are both very slim, but if people are ok taking enough creative liberty to give Kurt cat ears and a tail, make either one of them get pregnant, or write cis!girl au's, then why no fat au's (and fyi, I personally view 'fat' as a word that we should not be afraid of and should be reclaimed by the fat community like queer has been reclaimed by the lgbtq community so in no way am I...

using fat as a slur). I know that might seem like meaningless au because no matter their weight, they're still Kurt and Blaine, but when you're in high school, you're weight can seriously effect the way you view yourself and your self worth, and really does, even though it seriously should not, define who you are. I also think it could be really beautiful to read fic of them being intimate where they don't have these "perfect bodies" that Kurt and Blaine always do in fic...

This was explored a little in Tested with Blaine, but lets be honest, he didn't gain more than a few pounds and he wanted to lose the weight he gained, but what if either of them or both of them were just naturally on the heavier side and didn't actively want to lose the weight and that was just a part of who they are? There's also a lot of pressure among gay men to "measure up" so it would be fascinating to explore both the internal and external conflict, angst, and struggles that could...

be explored in a "fat!au. I seriously hope you don't find this offensive, I really don't mean it to be at all!! I would absolutely LOVE to start a discussion on this though!!!!

I think the short and honest answer to this is that for many people -- these fics are used for escapism and porn, neither of which want to delve into a more difficult topic.  

That doesn’t mean this trope can’t be done! And I mean - if you aren’t finding it - go for it! I mean, we have fics where Kurt has sixteen tentacles or Blaine is a blue alien.  So they can feasibly overweight, too.  

My only issue is that stories about people being fat is that it becomes solely about body image.  If people were writing stories with fat characters and just let them be that - I’m totally cool and onboard.  But I’m just tired of a) body shaming and b) stories where fat people can’t be happy in general.  

*shrugs* 

[earth2carmen]

I've struggled with eds my entire life. I was a really chubby kid and while I wasn't picked on for my weight I could definitely tell there was a difference between me and the other girls. I sought comfort in my meals at times it felt like food was my only friend. it was the only dependable thing I had and for most my childhood was the only thing that brought me comfort. I have always had ab ad relationship with food. weather its overeating or starving myself when I reach my breaking point I go to the extremes. when I diet I follow crazy strict workouts and meal plans. I try to restrict myself to under a certain amount of calories per day. I do it to an absurd number that no sane person could ever do because its just not fucking healthy. I remember being 12 and wanting nothing but to so badly be skinny that I would only eat 400 cals a day and if I fucked up or ate more than I restricted myself to I would make myself vomit. and I knew what I was doing was wrong. I've seen all the videos and I knew it wasn't healthy but I didn't care my desire to be skinny ruled all. the only thing that brought me comfort was the feeling of an empty stomach. Because that showed that I was finally doing something right, that it was working and my family not knowing I had an ed supported me through my weight loss journey. no one knew I was sick because when the fat girl gets skinny its praised, the mental health aspect gets overlooked and surely the fat girl could never have an ed like look at her. I still struggle with it honestly I still find myself searching up inspo, weird diets and fall into the fucked up world of Ana twitter. but I also still binge. when I'm sad I binge when I'm mad bine any little thing can cause me to binge and I don't want to do it I know ill feel like shit after the first bite but nothing can stop me when I'm binging. I order everything off the menu and wait for it to get delivered. the only one who's seen me truly binge eat is my brother. I once ordered 60 dollars worth of Chinese because I had gotten into an argument with our mother. the look of just disbelief and disappoint on his face said it all. I was so ashamed yet I couldn't stop. I order so much food then lock myself in my room and wallow in my self pity. I hate that I go so extreme on both sides but i dont know how to stop. its really an addiction and I know lots of people may see this as not a real addiction but it is. I am still chubby and plan on losing the extra weight. but I know ill go extreme to get the results I want In the timing that I want. even tho I know it isn't safe. In no way am I encouraging this. you don't want to end up in this vicious cycle with food mane. eat a balanced diet, enjoy life and appreciate that you don't know how many calories are in apples off the top of your head. because this never ends. you always tell yourself it will but deep down you know the road for recovery is so hard. food takes over everything you start off counting calories then all of a sudden your wondering if your toothpaste has any extra cals and no one should live their life like that. be kind and gentle with your soul

[limeade-l3sbian]

Hey. This is gonna sound super strange, but I’m curious..

Is there any type of vulnerability in characters in fiction(whether it’s movies, series, books, manga, anime, etc) that resonates deeply with you? Like enough to make you emotional or even choked up?

With me it’s feelings of never being enough. Never quite being smart enough. Nice enough. Fun enough. Never fitting in enough. Never being pretty or unpretty enough. Never being seen as something besides the second choice always.

It doesn’t seem to matter how much I otherwise like the story that’s being told. If the main character struggle with this I tend to feel it deeply and it’s quick to make me very sad. Like i’ll never escape this. What’s usually only seen in teenagers, this intense insecurity and lack of self worth, is something I as a grown woman still have. It’s embarrassing to an extent even though I obviously know rationally it shouldn’t be for me. It’s okay. But I still feel inadequate yet again.

Sorry for the complicated ask. I’m just wondering honestly. I feel like the patterns that sticks out to us in fiction as individuals can be interesting. It can say a lot about that person.

I think for myself it's the same vulnerabilities that you've listed. Genuinely.

My Mad Fat Diary is a very good example of that. There's a great deal of real shit in that show that I kind of had to pause and take a minute to process. Like, a lot. My personal self worth has been an interesting journey and I know very well what you mean when these things we generally associate with teenagers carry into adulthood. Like you already sort of felt incomplete, and now that you're an adult still dealing with these things, it almost feels like that incompleteness has worsened.

It might even feel worse bc for the media we watch, they're able to manipulate things so that they get their happy ending. Which, obviously we know, isn't always the case.

To be honest I still struggle with these things too. I still have to talk myself into my self worth, if that makes sense. So pretty much everything you listed will definitely get me emotional. (My b for the late reply. 💜)

[monstersliveinthemirror]

//

I want to start journaling again. I haven't touched it since February of this year and I think a large part of me is just scared that all the things I've been holding in are going to come out and overwhelm if I let them. I LIKE journaling, I want to document this important part of my life and memorialize how things are changing and how things are staying the same, but I'm so scared to actually admit what all is going on with me. I don't want to look back and realize I'm still writing about the same shit and nothing ever changes. And frankly, I'm scared to admit to myself how much I still care about things that I should be over by now. Brendan has made me feel so fucking sick about this idea about still having hurt from Alex that I can barely even admit it still hurts. It's been 18 months, it's over it's dead it's done why does it still occupy my brain? And knowing Brendan's disdain for the fact it still does? Makes me feel ever worse about having those feelings. I shouldn't even care what he thinks, he's not my friend, he's not my partner, his opinion shouldn't matter, but I'm letting it impact me and that fucking sucks.

------

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of reintroducing myself. Who am I, anyway? For so many years, I've been trying to be something for other people, but who am I when I set that all to the side?

I know I'm feeling particularly existential because it's my birthday this week. I don't usually feel very mortal, but something about being another year older and still struggling with the same things.

Things I'd like to address this year:

1. The worthiness wound. (When did I first start to believe my only worth comes from giving to other people and being "perfect"? How have I let this schema affect me in relationships (patterns of losing myself in relationships, trying to please the other person all the time) and how do I rebuild my own self worth to believe I am worth loving, even when I am not people pleasing?)

2. The dysphoria/gender identity situation. (What is going on with this body of mine? Will building strength help me feel connected to this body? How can I get past the internalized fat phobia and how much is that playing into all this?)

3. Values, and by extension, Alex. (How did I convince myself to do something I find so horrible? How did I justify that to myself? How do I prevent that from happening again (again, the worthiness wound) and how do I forgive myself for what I have done?)

[captain-kit-adventuress]

I feel like I’ve been jumping on your posts a lot lately, @scientia-rex, so please let me know if that’s annoying, but I felt it was important to talk about this one and to give a first-person perspective as to why, even as a very large fat person, bariatric surgery isn’t something we should be pressuring people to have.

I am the kind of person she describes: fat to the point that I struggle with ADLs, or activities of daily living. Even walking more than a few steps is often difficult and sometimes painful, mostly down to the fact that I can’t fully lift my legs all the way and I shuffle against carpet, which causes a lot of feet problems. I am lucky it’s all superficial for now, but I’m always vigilant about skin integrity issues because as the good doctor so rightly says, it’s the barrier between inside and outside. It’s not something you want compromised because it makes it so much easier to fuck up everything else.

The only thing I can reliably do on my own is eating and drinking. Outside of my home, I am 100% in a wheelchair. And I still refuse to entertain the conversation about bariatric surgery. All of the reasons cited above are my reasons, as well, so I won’t waste anyone’s time by restating them. In addition, though, I have IBS. I’ve had it since I was a child—no Rome criteria for paediatrics back then, unfortunately, and what is now known as Rome I wouldn’t be published until 1994; it was adults-only and of no help to me. There would be no peds criteria until 2006, when I was well out of university. I received my diagnosis a few years after that.

I do not have the luxury of messing around with a digestive system which could, on the very best of days, be called “temperamental.” I don’t think anyone has the luxury of messing around with the most primary method of keeping one’s self alive no matter how well their gut functions. There are so, so, so many neurotransmitters and hormones that go between the brain and the gut (some hormones are actually produced in the gut itself) and their potential disruption can and will make life hell even if the surgery goes well, and that is not anywhere close to guaranteed. Gastric bypass in particular effectively introduces a constant disease state to what is otherwise a healthy, functioning organ. My difficulties are hard and I hate them, but to me, they’re still not hard enough to make mutilating a large portion of my digestive tract a viable, attractive option. Especially when there’s very little guarantee I won’t just regain the weight anyway, and I’ll still have IBS which could get much, much worse as the result.

I personally know two people who’ve had two different types of bariatric surgery: one regained all of the weight and more as the result of gastric sleeve failure (which is common!), and the other has so far kept the weight off but is about three steps away from serious malnutrition.

We don’t understand the long-term consequences of many types of bariatric surgery well enough to be recommending it in the numbers we are, especially to people who really don’t need it.

That doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can do to help myself. I can’t afford regular physical therapy sessions, but I was able to have some after a medical procedure, and they gave me instructions and pictures of how to do the exercises at home to help rebuild muscle losses I’ve sustained from other issues I’ve had. I intend to start small walks once I figure out how to get my socks and shoes on without assistance. Even without those walks, I’ve been noticing some gains which encourages me to think that there’s room to build on that.

When it comes to physical fitness, though, there are no quick fixes, and often with weight, nothing we need to fix in the first place. To me, bariatric surgery is not worth the ample and highly-likely risk of complications, especially when I can take a route that is slower but certainly safer, not even when I might be the kind of person who could conceivably benefit from surgery. Of course, that is a highly personal decision for everyone. But nothing I’ve seen makes me confident it’s the right choice even when my body size is disabling.

It is a far better bet in almost every conceivable metric to strengthen the body to support and accommodate the weight than it is to try to make the weight go away.

Hallo!! I really appreciate your blog and how open and invested you are in wellbeing outside of medical fatphobia and other ways medicine as an institution can suck. It's also great to see a humanized side of working in medicine, so thank you for your openness :) You mentioned recently not prescribing bariatric surgery to patients except in rare, specific cases. If you have time and energy, would you be able to share a little more about what you think about bariatric surgery when those particular conditions aren't present? Also please feel free to ignore this ask if you're not up for it. Hope you have a great day! 🌸🌼🌺

When someone is fat to the point where they can't do daily activities of living like dressing themselves, walking, etc., then bariatric surgery probably has a place.

However, bariatric surgery has risks. Lots of them. To start with, there's the on-the-table risks. These are a lot lower than they used to be--anesthesia in this day and age is incredibly safe. Getting to bariatric surgery is challenging for most patients, as insurance in the US will typically only work with a few centers that have wrap-around teams including the surgeons but also other specialists, especially nutritionists. So lots of patients go to Mexico. I haven't had a single one of my own patients, since I started having my own patients four years ago, get from the phase of thinking about bariatic surgery to actually having it done in the US. I've had three patients go to Mexico and have it done. I will withhold judgment, because I haven't been to those centers, I don't know what those doctors and teams are like, but I do know the overall out of pocket cost for patients is about 5 grand, which is so much cheaper than it is in the US that it doesn't bear comparison.

Just-after-surgery risks include blood clots that can go to the lungs or the heart. There is always a risk of wound infection, which can be devastating. If a prolonged hospital stay is required, pneumonia is a significant risk.

Any time you have intra-abdominal surgery, your body develops scar tissue. Places where scar tissue fuses different structures together are called adhesions. Having a re-operation after that is more risky because of those adhesions. You are also at higher risk for intestinal obstruction, because your intestines can hang up on adhesion and twist so that they cut off their own blood supply. This is a surgical emergency. When bowel dies, it becomes leaky and lets dangerous intestinal bacteria into the otherwise sterile environment of the abdomen. That higher risk of intestinal obstruction never goes away.

People who have had bariatric surgery are also at risk for dumping syndrome. This is a condition where the small intestine becomes overly stimulated immediately after a meal, because the food is not moving smoothly through the stomach into the small intestine on the natural time scale. That stimulation leads to excessive insulin release in comparison to the amount of glucose absorbed, which can means hypoglycemia, which is life-threatening.

Rapid fat loss leads to significant amounts of excess skin. Many people who've had bariatric surgery go on to have skin removal surgery. This is actually a riskier surgery than the bariatric surgery itself, because you are tampering with the barrier between the inside of your body and the world outside it. And if it's done too early, you can end up needing your skin to stretch again, and having stretch marks in addition to the scars.

After bariatric surgery, you are also worse at absorbing good nutrients. You need lifetime monitoring for vitamin levels, including vitamin B12. If you don't have enough vitamin B12, your nerves start to die. This results in pain that starts in the feet, since the neurons running from the spinal cord to the big toes are the longest and therefore most susceptible in the body.

But perhaps the most upsetting aspect of bariatic surgery to me is that it is presented as a definitive solution.

Is it?

Not for 20-25% of people who have bariatic surgery, who struggle with significant weight regain.

So if the most extreme intervention we have--literally surgically altering your gut--isn't enough to make weight loss permanent, how is anything else going to do it?

You can be skinny. For a little while. But attempts to lose large amounts of weight, including surgically, have high failure rates. The 75% success rate for bariatic surgery is significantly higher than for any other method currently widely available, but the risks are also significantly higher. I don't think it's worthwhile for most patients, especially given how many patients are lied to by their doctors about how much their weight is likely contributing to their health problems. Most of my patients focus on their weight rather than activity levels, they beat themselves up about how they're not doing intense enough exercise but don't incorporate lower-impact exercises like swimming or walking, they try to eat less rather than eating a diet more rich in vegetables and fruits and lower in highly processed foods. You can do so much for yourself without ever framing it as being about weight.

And if you've done that--if you're struggling with being so fat that you can't live your life--then sure. Talk to your doctor about a referral for bariatric surgery. But don't be shocked if the results are not what you were told to expect. Don't be surprised when you find that you actively resent the people who suddenly find you tolerable, even desirable, now that you're not so fat. Don't let them sell you bariatic surgery as a no-downside cure-all, because it most emphatically is not.

[nothingtolose-awrites]

Thoughts Together, Thoughts Alone

Somehow in my youth I was convinced there was so much inside of me begging to get out that it could escape through self inflicted surface wounds. 

Even as a child, I felt like there was something thick and rancid flowing in me and that if I bled it out, if I tore apart flesh and picked at scabs it would somehow leave my body and then I would feel okay again.

It worked, or at least I thought it did for a long time. I would hurt and then for a few moments I swore I could see it, a thick ooze from my body, invisible leeches lapping it up and then I could crush them under my toes or like big fat ticks I could crush under my nails just how my parents taught me. 

I used to have this recurring dream I would be in an accident and when people came to find me I would just be filled with bugs, pouring out of my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my ears- a never ending infestation.  

Sometimes, even ten years later I still scratch my skin just a little bit harder, like they’re still waiting under the surface. In all honesty, the ooze never really went away, I just understand now there is no bleeding it out, no broken bones to eradicate the feelings; the only real cure is honest and true healing.

It’s easier said than done.

Despite my lack of medication and limited therapy, I do honestly know I’m in a better place now. And maybe it's more of a skill now, the fact that I just simply had been bad for so long that I got good at it, that I can handle more than what others consider appropriate so now when I do struggle I am self aware enough to recognize the signs of when it’s getting bad, when i'm paranoid, when im delusional or manic or severely depressed. I’m simply prepared to handle it more than I was as a child.

I’d like to think it’s because I honestly am better now. 

I’d really like to think that, but I don’t put my heart into it. There’s only so many times you can let yourself down before it breaks your heart. 

I’m really tired of breaking my own heart.

So I try not to tell others that I’m doing better really. As much for their benefit as mine. I remember sobbing, holding myself and rocking where I sat that I thought I was doing better, that I don’t know where I went wrong or what happened, that I swore I was doing better. 

That’s an easy way to break your own heart, to have expectations for yourself and only realizing you still fall short despite how hard you feel like you’ve worked. 

So to be as non-transparent and confusing as possible, I will say that yes, I am doing better and I am also the same as I have always been.

I feel a little like Schrodinger's cat in that sense, that I may be better or just the same at the same time because who I am is inside a box and something may detonate at any time but there is no way to say for sure how or when or if it ever will.

I try to live my life through kindness. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t kind, being kind is my absolution. Even if I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with me ( I always have and worry I always will) at least I try to be kind to others no matter what, even if I am not kind to myself. 

In an honestly roundabout way, it’s selfish I know. The fact that I’m kind to others as a way to say I’m worth keeping alive, that I deserve living despite my flaws only because I actively treat others with kindness. 

But that’s not really the only reason, so I try not to judge myself too hard over it. I really do feel better when I’m kind to others, when I support and am honest and respectful, even if they aren’t always that way to me.

I haven’t decided if its all some personal ploy and extensive manipulation to make people like me somehow. I thought it was for a long time, but honestly that sounds a lot like the delusions I try so hard to get rid of, the ones that eat and pick at my brain.