#i still need to update the second part its been a couple months

[3416]

Hi! I finished going through your primer posts at like 5am this morning when I couldn’t sleep. And I just wanted to say thank you so much for putting all of that together, it is incredible <3 (also as someone from the GTA, it's genuinely so cool to see so many people who aren't from here supporting the team!!)

oh my god, it's always the best thing in the world when someone tells me they actually have looked through it 😭 i also go through there when i can't sleep sometimes tbh... like my own personal morning paper. thank you for the lovely message and support. i hope you get to see the leafs in person sometimes since you're from there... i know it's expensive but 🫶

[imaginespazzi]

Part 3: Miss Me, Miss Me Not

Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15

And it hits me when the lights go on (shit, maybe I miss you)

(In which a lazy writer somehow still manages to make her deadlines, much to her own shock)

Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd

Themes: Angst, Pining and a teensy bit of Fluff

Words: 5.8K

TW: Swearing (once again I think that's it?)

A/N: Hello my lovelies <3 I'm not gonna lie til about an hour ago, I very much did not think I was gonna give y'all a Monday update but here we are! A couple of housekeeping things, I went back and added months to the years so hopefully that's more helpful. I lowkey dislike this part but I felt like the fic needed it and I'm excited to write the next part. Ngl, the editing on this is pretty nonexistent because trying to read this back lowkey killed me so please feel free to point out mistakes so I can fix them. As always, let me know what you liked, and disliked and anything you wanna see going forward. I really appreciate all of y'alls feedback and the long reviews make my day! Have a good rest of your week lovies <3

September 2017

Azzi: just got home :) 

It’s a simple text and it should be easy for Paige to conjure up an equally simple reply. Instead she finds herself typing and deleting, over and over, because nothing sounds quite right. There’s this hollow feeling thrumming in her chest, that has only gotten stronger every passing minute since she’d said goodbye to Azzi at the airport. If she tries hard enough, she can still feel the remnants of their last hug lingering against every inch of her skin. She wants to memorize that feeling and create a blanket out of its threads to numb the ice cold shiver that’s been repeatedly running through her veins from the second Azzi had gotten on that plane. But even that might not be enough. Not when she’s learnt just how warm Azzi’s presence can be and how everything else pales in comparison. 

Paige lies to herself that it’s an accidental slip of her fingers, that she’d meant to press send not call, that she had every intention of hanging up the facetime on the first ring itself. 

But then Azzi picks up on the second one.

And really it would be rude to hang up. 

“Hey what’s up?” Azzi’s face fills the screen, tired eyes staring intently at Paige through the screen. 

“Oh um-” Paige fumbles for words, awkwardly shuffling her feet that are dangling off the side of her bed, “I just wanted to ask how your flight was?”

Azzi raises an eyebrow, “you couldn’t have texted me that?”

“Too tired to text,” Paige lies and the words i just wanted to hear your voice stay stuck, burning hot, in her throat, “gotta save these money-making fingers for more important things.”

“Yeah I’m hanging up-”

“NO-” it comes out far more forceful than it should and if possible, Azzi’s eyebrow shoots up even farther, as Paige clears her throat, “I mean- uh- you didn’t tell me how your flight was.”

Paige is too busy cringing at herself to notice the light blush that tinges Azzi’s cheeks. She’s too busy wondering why this girl brings out this nervous bumbling side of hers to notice the fond smile that almost cracks through Azzi’s lips. 

“The flight was okay. I actually got to sleep this time,” Azzi says pointedly and Paige laughs. 

“So what you’re saying is it was boring as hell.”

“I’m saying it was really peaceful not having someone yapping in my ear while I was trying to sleep.”

“So you didn’t miss me?” Paige presses, trying to keep her voice teasing despite how desperately she wants the admission. 

Azzi hesitates, as if she’s debating with herself, before, “I didn’t say that.”

It’s a little ridiculous how large Paige’s grin is but it’s okay, because Azzi’s smiling back, soft and shy. They’d look foolish to anyone else, the way they’re so intently gazing at each other through a screen as if there’s no barrier between them at all. 

“It’s gonna be weird going to the gym without you tomorrow morning,” Paige confesses after a second, moving to lay down on her stomach. 

“I bet. You’re gonna get absolutely nothing done without me,” Azzi teases dramatically before her eyes soften, “it’s weird that I’m not gonna see you at all tomorrow.”

There’s something gut-wrenching about that admission and yet, there’s something in it that heals a part of Paige’s heart that she hadn’t even known needed to be fixed. It means something to her that Azzi must feel it too. Because if she’s honest with herself, Paige had been just a little afraid that maybe the connection was just in her head, that maybe Azzi was simply tolerating her presence out of kindness. 

“You should just move to Minnesota,” Paige replies finally, “much nicer than Virgina or whatever.”

“Have you ever even been to Virginia?” Azzi asks, eyebrows raised as she flips herself to lie on her back, holding her phone above her in a way that lets Paige see entirely too much and yet not nearly enough. 

“No but it sounds boring as fuck.”

“Not with me,” Azzi says, biting her bottom lip sheepishly as soon as the words are out. 

Paige smirks, suddenly filled with a brand new confidence, “yeah? You’d make Virgina interesting for me Fudd? What would we do?”

Azzi licks her lips and Paige feels her mouth go dry. 

“We’d be together,” the younger girl says finally, averting her gaze as the depth of her words begin to make Paige feel like she’s being flooded by an ocean of emotions she’s not quite ready to feel yet, “anything can be interesting if we’re together.”

It would be so easy to come up with a sarcastic quip or tease Azzi for being a sap and yet there’s a certain sincerity in this moment that feels too fragile for Paige to feign nonchalance. 

“Is Virginia nice in the winter?” she asks finally, hands fidgeting with the hair ties secured around her wrist, “Minny’s a little too cold sometimes.”

Azzi’s eyes shine and Paige wants to try and read them, find the little clues hidden in her irises and solve the mystery lingering behind the crimson flush of her cheeks. But the truth is that Paige is a little scared of what she’d find, a little scared that discovering Azzi might mean discovering herself too. 

“You should come find out some time,” the brunette says, casual tone filled with intricacies of something far deeper. It’s the closest they’ve gotten to saying anything of actual substance and they tip-toe around saying what they both want, daring the other to ask first. 

“I dunno,” Paige says, determined to win the game, “I’m not in the habit of showing up to places without a proper invite.”

Azzi scoffs, “a proper invite? Are you expecting someone to send you a carrier pigeon with a gold letter addressed to her royal highness or something?”

“That would be nice,” Paige surmises and Azzi rolls her eyes.

“Does your back ever hurt from carrying that ego?”

“Only hurts from carrying my team.”

“Oh my god you’re so full of it.”

“Full of talent? Yessirrrr.”

Azzi huffs, “Paige.”

“Azzi,” Paige hums. 

“Do you wanna come visit me in Virginia during winter break?” Azzi says finally, a small smile playing on her lips like she’s okay with losing this game as long as it’s to Paige. 

“If I must,” Paige says dramatically, shrugging her shoulders and everything as Azzi lets out an offended squeak. But inside, her heart flutters at the offer, at the idea of seeing Azzi again, even if it feels like a lifetime away. Because as long as it’s Azzi on the other side, Paige and her impatient self can wait however long it takes. 

“Actually you know what nevermind, you don’t gotta come,” Azzi concedes bitterly,  scrunching her face (and Paige would never tell her this but she thinks Azzi looks just a little too cute when she’s mad and so maybe she riles her up on purpose)

“No takesies backsies Az,” Paige sing-songs before her lips uptick from a smirk into something more sincere, “hey Az,” she whispers, giggling to herself when Azzi pretends to ignore her, “I’d really like to come see you in Virginia during winter break.”

And as a brilliant grin dazzles across Azzi’s face, Paige realizes that her favorite thing about Azzi’s smile isn’t when her dimples show or when her eyes twinkle, it’s when it’s there because of Paige, when it’s there just for Paige. 

“Good,” Azzi whispers as they fall into a comfortable silence. 

There’s this serene sense of calm that laces itself around Paige’s nerves. Her normally fidgeting body is content to be perfectly still, an anomaly to her usual demeanor. The truth is that Paige isn’t the kind of person who’s okay with just existing; she likes to spend every second in motion, living out the high. There’s a part of her that’s scared of missing moments, scared that the people around her will leave her behind if she doesn’t chase them. But it’s different with Azzi. The younger girl makes Paige feel like it’s okay if she takes a moment to just breathe. Because Azzi will wait. Because Azzi won’t leave Paige behind. 

“Wait,” it’s a little while before Azzi pipes up, shaking Paige out of her thoughts, “what time is it?”

Paige’s eyes flicker to the time on her phone, confused by the line of questioning, “it’s almost 9 why?”

“Don’t you have a team party or something to go to tonight?” Azzi asks, face scrunching, “I swear you told me you had something tonight.”

“Oh-yeah- Amaya’s back to school thing,” Paige sheepishly scratches her neck, suddenly feeling itchy in her flannel shirt. She’d forgotten she was wearing that instead of her daily clothes. Hell, she’d forgotten she was supposed to be going somewhere in the first place, too occupied with other thoughts. 

“Bro get up,” Azzi orders, “you’re already late.”

“Nah it’s fine. I don’t think I’m gonna go,” Paige says and she thinks she should probably feel a little more guilty about it. 

“What do you mean you’re not gonna go?” Azzi asks in disbelief, “dude you’re the star of the team. You have to go.”

“Amaya will understand besides-” Paige drags in a deep breath, feeling vulnerable as the next words fall out in a quiet whisper, “I don’t wanna hang up yet.”

“Paige c’mon we can talk tomorrow,” Azzi tries to protest but it’s half-hearted at best.

“I wanna talk right now,” Paige argues, “you don’t wanna talk to me?”

For a second Paige thinks Azzi might just say no, might just chip away a little bit of heart with a well-intentioned rejection, but she doesn’t, “always wanna talk to you P.”

“Then don’t hang up. Talk to me.”

And Azzi does. All night. 

Two weeks laters there’s a letter, in an envelope with a picture of a carrier pigeon, that arrives in the Bueckers’ mail box. 

To her royal highness, 

Unfortunately I couldn’t find an actual carrier pigeon (I swear I tried) so this envelope and the mailman will have to do. 

~ You are formally invited this winter break to the Fudd family residence in Virginia. ~

(And you better show up Bueckers)

Yours, 

Azzi

February 2033

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” Ice whines petulantly as she makes herself comfortable on the couch across from where Paige is getting her makeup done, “this is parental neglect.”

Paige laughs, eyes closed, her makeup artist does her mascara, “you’ll survive.”

“You don’t know that” Ice argues, plucking a grape from the fruit basket before segueing into a rant about how boring Arlington, Texas is. 

Paige is grateful for the distraction her younger friend is providing. Her nerves had been on edge since the moment she’d woken up this morning, anxious to get the impending farewell press conference over with. She’d already started accepting that the Wings weren’t the right place for her but that feeling had only been heightened by her trip to the Valkyries. And ever since she’s come back, Paige feels a little bit like she’s sleepwalking through her final moments in Dallas. If she’s honest, she’s probably rushing things a little bit. There’s still plenty of time before she really has to move to Oakland but it had been her choice to move there as soon as possible. Paige had always been good at conjuring excuses and she had plenty as to why she needed to be in California so soon. But at the end of the day it isn’t about training or team bonding or any of the other hundred justifications she’s given anyone who’s asked. It’s about a little girl who’s eyes had been brimming with tears when saying goodbye, a little girl who had made Paige pinky swear that she’d be back as soon as possible. 

Really, Paige thinks she should be applauded for her restraint, because truth be told, the second Stephie’s lower lip had trembled, Paige had been prepared to ask Ice to just ship her stuff to Oakland so that she’d never have to let go of the little girl’s hand. 

And here’s the thing, Paige is willing to admit she wants to go back to the Bay Area for Stephie. It’s that pesky little part of her that’s desperate to go back for Stephie’s mother, to go back for one more hesitant yet lingering touch, that she won’t ever share with anyone else. 

“I never thought I’d live to see you and Azzi willingly playing together again,” Ice says as soon as Paige’s makeup artist leaves the room, “KK and I didn’t even try betting on it, we were that sure it wouldn’t happen. Shit I should have. I totally would have won.”

“Don’t y’all get tired of betting on my life?” Paige asks, rolling her eyes, trying to ignore the first part of what Ice said. 

“Betting on your life has made me hundreds of dollars bro,” Ice says, before a more earnest  look crosses her face, “but genuinely P, are you sure about this? There’s a lot of history there.”

Paige sighs, “it’s not about our history. It’s a basketball decision. And we’re both mature adults who know that. I’m just tryna win. Nothing else.”

“It’s never nothing when it comes to you two.”

“It is this time,” Paige argues adamantly and Ice raises her hands in surrender. 

“I just don’t want another set of teammates to have to deal with y’alls bullshit,” the younger girl teases, but it’s laced with a hint of seriousness that sends a flare of guilt shooting through Paige’s body. 

“Ice-” she begins.

But Ice is quick to change to a lighter subject, “can’t believe Jana’s the one that gets mom and dad back together. I always knew she was the favorite.”

“We didn’t have favorites,” Paige plays along, thankful for Ice and her ability to always keep the tension to a bare minimum. 

“Oh don’t lie. We all know you did,” Ice scoffs and then lets out a chuckle, “and now Azzi’s actually a mom. That’s kinda insane. And you met the kid right?”

“Yeah. Yeah I did,” Paige says and she can’t help the way her entire face breaks into a gleaming smile as her thoughts turn into memories of Stephie. She doesn’t even realize she’s gotten lost in a different world until Ice coughs, an amused grin playing on her lips. 

“You’re so royally fucked Paige,” Ice shakes her head, “the only person I’ve seen you smile that big for before is Azzi.”

“She’s a cute, smart, adorable kid, that’s why I’m smiling,” Paige tries to defend herself. 

“She’s Azzi’s cute, smart, adorable kid,” Ice counters. 

“That has nothing to do with it,” Paige protests again but it rings hollow to her own ears.

“Oh my god I needa call KK and get this bet started. It’s only a matter of time for real,” Ice says, more to herself than to Paige, as she whips out her phone, probably texting KK. 

“A matter of time till what?”

“You’ll find out Paigey,” Ice says gravely with a mocking smile, patting Paige’s head, “all in due time.”

***

The Dallas Wings media room is buzzing, reporters desperate to ask Paige questions and the blonde tries to maintain a smile despite the fact that her heart is lurching in her throat right now. Her opening speech had been short and sweet, parroting basically the same thing that had gone out on her social media the night before; she’d been desperate to just get it out. Generally, Paige is pretty good with the media, having been immersed in the spotlight since basically forever. The attention and how to maneuver it has always come naturally to her so she’s not sure why she feels so unnerved by it all today.  From the back of the media room, Ice sends her a thumbs up and a reassuring grin and Paige lets out a breath, glad to have at least that comforting presence with her. 

“Aidrian Ginsburger with Bleacher Report, Paige, you’ve obviously spent all of your career so far with the Wings, can you tell us a little bit about the impact this organization has had on you?”

Paige smiles at the question, letting her brain skim through pages and pages of fond memories she has of time spent with this team. It might be time to move on but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have plenty of cherished moments. 

“Yeah um- this place has really shaped who I am as a person. Since day one, the front office, obviously it’s a different one to the one I came in with, they did a lot to make sure that I was comfortable. My teammates through the years have been incredible and I wouldn’t be the player I am today without them. And of course the fans you know, they always showed out for the team, for me. Always supported me in anyways and I hope that I was able to give back the love to them that they always gave to me,” she says, suddenly nostalgic for the team that had started it all. 

The next questions are similar in nature and Paige’s answer varies only in words but not substance. She feels herself start to settle into it, now fielding the expected questions about the Wings and Valkyries with an air of confidence. There are a couple questions about Azzi that make her heart thump, but that was to be expected. It’s a pretty brilliant story in the making, two MVPs who used to play on the same college team coming together. Talia had warned Paige in advance that there was no avoiding it. But for the most part the questions have an easy answer about how Azzi’s a brilliant player and she’s excited to play with her old friend again. That is until a familiar hand shoots up and all the tension that had previously dissipated, comes roaring back with a vengeance. 

“Olivia Reynolds with the Dallas Morning News, Paige, as others have said today, you and Azzi Fudd played together at UConn and you were best friends.” Olivia’s eyes glint viciously, “I mean it’s pretty well documented how hard you tried to recruit her to UConn. But despite being best friends, the two of you have been never seen hanging out, outside of games and formal events, unlike your other teammates that is-”

“Is there a point to this?” Paige asks, hands fisting in her lap as she tries to keep herself calm. 

Olivia smiles, sugary sweet, “I was just wondering if maybe there was some tension and how that would affect your on-court chemistry at the Valkyries?”

“There’s no tension,” Paige lies through gritted teeth, “we didn’t hang out because we live far apart. There isn’t much else to it. And even if there was, Azzi and I are professionals. We wouldn’t let anything off the court affect our goal to win.”

“You lived far apart before UConn too, but that didn’t seem to stop you guys. What changed?” Olivia presses.

“Time did. Our lives did. There’s nothing sensational here. It’s just a case of two people drifting apart,” Paige says and the fabrication feels heavy on her tongue. If only it really had been that simple. 

“But clearly not that much,” Olivia says, and Paige glances at the moderator, desperate for an intervention, “there were plenty of fan pictures of the two of you out getting ice cream with Azzi’s daughter. It seems like you’re already fitting into that Bay Area life-”

“I’m not hearing a question at the end of your sentence,” Paige hisses and she can practically already hear the scolding she’s going to get from Talia once her agent gets wind of how this press conference had gone. The entire media cohort is watching the exchange with wide eyes, no doubt questioning whether they were embarrassed or impressed by their colleague. Ice is mouthing something to Paige, probably something along the lines of please keep your shit together, but Paige is steaming. Really, she should have expected this. 

“Well if you’d let me finish,” Olivia snarls, the façade of innocence dropping, “even if the two of you have drifted, as you put it, clearly there’s still a relationship there. How big of a role did Azzi Fudd play in your choice to move to the Valkyries?”

Paige sucks in a deep breath, nails digging into her palm at the question, “Azzi is the best shooting guard in the country. That was her role in my decision to move to the Valkyries. I don’t know what else you’re trying to imply, but I want to play with her because we play well together. That’s it,” she stands up and there’s pin drop silence, “thank you all for coming but we’re done with this press conference. 

***

Paige is seething as she exits the media room, Ice hot on her heels trying to calm her down. The sane part of her knows she should head back to the makeup room or even to her car, instead she finds her feet carrying her in the direction of where she knows Olivia Reynolds will be, reviewing her press conference notes by the coffee machine like she always is. 

“What the actual fuck was that?” Paige spits as she comes to a halt in front of the reporter. 

“I know you think playing basketball is the only job in the world Paige, but that was a reporter doing her job,” Olivia says, her calm and composed voice only furthering Paige’s irritation. 

“Bull-fucking-shit.” Paige sneers, “that wasn’t a reporter out there, that was my ex-wife grilling me like we were back in fucking divorce court.”

Olivia cocks her head, “oh so you do remember who I am to you then?”

“Oliv-”

“Because if you did remember, I’d like to think you’d have the courtesy to at least personally tell me that you were moving to your,” she drops her voice, “ex-girlfriend’s team instead of letting me find out with the rest of the world. You don’t think you owed me that?”

“That’s what this is about?” Paige sighs, “Olivia we’ve been divorced for almost three years now, I don’t owe you-”

“You didn’t owe Azzi anything either,” Olivia whisper-yells, the calm in her voice replaced by the same anger that had tainted the last year of their marriage, “but when we first started dating, you kept us a secret for months. You wouldn’t even tell your fucking teammates cause you were so scared she’d find out,” her eyes drift towards Ice who looks like she wishes she’d made a different decision rather than following Paige out here, “you said she deserved to hear it from you but apparently I don’t-’

“I didn’t mean it like that Olivia. Look, I meant what I said up there. There’s nothing between- ”

“Spare me,” Olivia says, as she stuffs her notepad into her bag, “you can lie to all those other reporters out there about how all of this is a basketball decision. You can even lie to yourself if you want. But you can’t lie to me, not when I spent four years fighting to keep our relationship from getting crushed under whatever it is that Azzi is to you.”

***

It doesn’t matter how far Paige burrows her head into her pillows, she can’t seem to stop herself from hearing Olivia’s words reverberating through her ears. The two of them had done well at co-existing in their social circles after the divorce had been finalized. While no one could quite call them friends, they’d done a good job at being friendly, being able to converse and share an occasional drink when in their combined friend group. And if Paige is honest, she knows she’s fucked up, knows she probably did owe Olivia a call. But calling Olivia would have meant calling someone who would inevitably make Paige face the truth, just like she had today. The truth that, even with the deal Talia had concocted with the Liberty hanging in the background like a dark presence, the move to the Valkyries was about a lot more than just basketball for Paige. 

She’s so entrenched in her thought that she doesn’t bother checking who it is when the facetime rings, irritation seeping into her voice as she answers it, face still buried in her pillows, “WHAT?”

“Miss Buecks?” a tiny voice comes through the phone and for a second, Paige thinks she must be dreaming, until she finally lifts her head to look at her phone, and Stephie’s small face lights up the whole screen. And it’s like she can feel little hands on her shoulders, slowly unknotting her tightened muscles. 

“Stephie,” she breathes out, a sudden sense of serene calm washing over her previously tense body. 

“Hi Miss Buecks,” Stephie says happily before she squints at the screen, “you sleep weird.”

Paige laughs, “and why’s that?”

“You’re not wearing pajamas and it’s only seven. ‘Dults don’t sleep at seven,” Stephie says matter-of-factly. 

“It’s actually nine here,” Paige says, a little surprised by the time; she hadn’t realized she'd been moping in her bed for that long. Ice had forced her to get lunch together, not wanting to leave Paige alone after the encounter with Olivia. Once she’d finally gotten back to her apartment, Paige had flopped on her bed, taking out her frustrations on her poor pillow. 

“That’s not poss-ble,” Stephie scrunches her face, “Mama’s phone says it’s seven.”

“It’s seven in California, it’s nine in Texas,” Paige tries to explain though by the way Stephie’s looking at her, she thinks she’s probably just confusing the girl more, “how’d you figure out how to call me babe?”

Stephie gives her an exasperated look, “Miss Buecks I’m five. I know how to use facetime.”

“And does your Mama know you're facetiming me?” Paige asks, eyebrows raised.

“She’s in the shower,” Stephie whispers, grinning sheepishly. 

As if on cue, Azzi appears on the corner of the screen and Paige feels her mouth run dry. The darker skinned woman is clad in a light pink fluffy bathrobe that ends right above her knees, giving Paige the perfect view of her long, toned legs that seem to shimmer despite the shitty quality of the facetime. Rivulets of water cling to her neck, delicately cascading down the valley of her breasts before disappearing from sight. And Paige must be dehydrated because never has she wanted to taste a drop of liquid more than she does right now. 

“Stephie,” Azzi groans, as she walks towards the phone and Paige gulps, heart beating faster with every step the other woman takes, everything about her becoming clearer and clearer, “what did I say about using my phone.”

“Only in em-a-gencies,” Stephie recites, “but Mama I had an em-a-gency.”

Azzi tilts her head, eyebrows raised as she gives her daughter a knowing look, “and what was your emergency?”

“I really, really, really, this much” Stephie stretches out her hands as far as they’ll go,  really, really, really, miss Miss Buecks.”

Paige feels her heart flutter. Stephie’s words feel like a hand carefully pulling her out from under the pile of stress she’d been buried under the whole day. It’s like the little girl is pushing away the rubble pressing against her lungs, turning the rocks into dust with a light touch and Paige feels like she can finally breathe. 

“Sounds like a pretty big emergency to me,” she says, relishing the way Stephie’s face lights up at the admission, “cause I really, really, really miss you too Steph.”

“See Mama,” Stephie says, placing the phone against a wall so can place her hands on her hips and look up at Azzi with a pleased smirk. 

Azzi rolls her eyes before glaring at Paige, “you’re a bad influence on her.”

“I’m the best influence on her,” Paige argues, sending Stephie a conspiratorial wink, “just you wait Az, I’mma teach her all the good things.”

Something unreadable flashes across Azzi’s face before she’s back to looking at Paige with an unimpressed arched eyebrow, “I am not letting you corrupt my daughter Paige Bueckers.”

“We’ll see,” Paige says slowly and Azzi shakes her head before turning to Stephie. 

“Alright Stephie bean time to go brush your teeth. It’s almost bedtime babes,” she says with a stern look 

“But Mama-”

“No arguing, you have school tomorrow missy,” Azzi reminds the little girl and Paige can’t help but marvel at the mother that Azzi’s become. And it makes her heart ache for the fantasies she’d dreamed of when she was in her early twenties. She’d always known Azzi would be a great mother; Paige had just naively thought she’d be there alongside her too. 

“Can Miss Buecks stay on the phone till I fall asleep?” Stephie asks, peering up at Azzi with big doe eyes, “please Mama pleeeease.”

“I’m sure Miss Buecks has other things-”

“I don’t,” Paige cuts in far too enthusiastically, clearing her throat to get back some semblance of restraint as both mother and daughter turn to look at each other, “I don’t have anything to do tonight so I can stay till you fall asleep Stephie.”

“YAYY,” Stephie cheers enthusiastically while Azzi studies her with a weary look, “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and then you can read me, my story Mama.”

With that, the little girl runs in the direction of what Paige can only assume is the bathroom, skipping with childlike joy as she sing-songs about something Paige can’t quite make out. 

“You know you don’t have to say yes to everything she asks right?” Azzi says slowly as she grabs her phone and sits on the couch. 

Paige shrugs, “I have time to stay.”

“Do you?” Azzi asks skeptically, “because from what I heard the Wings are having a little farewell party tonight, for you.”

Paige narrows her eyes, “and how exactly did you hear that?”

“I have connections.”

“You talked to Ice.”

“I talked to Ice,” Azzi concedes, “and I’m pretty sure you’re already an hour or so late for it.”

“Exactly. I’m already an hour late so why bother,” Paige says, sitting up so she can rest head against her headboard, “why were you talking to Ice?”

“I can’t talk to my friend?” Azzi asks slowly. 

“Of course you can but why specifically today?” Paige presses 

Azzi bites her lip, “I um- I watched your press conference today. You uh-” she averts her gaze, “you seemed really stressed at the end and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

A soft grin upturns Paige’s lips before she can stop it, “were you worried for me Fudd?”

“That’s not-” Azzi groans, “shut up.”

Paige smirks, “you were worried for me.”

“I was concerned for my future teammate," Azzi huffs, “besides,” her face hardens, “she was way out of line.”

Paige sighs at the implied mention of Olivia, “maybe but maybe I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t,” Azzi protests and that oh so familiar protective tone in her voice carves itself into every crevice of Paige’s heart, “no one deserves to be put on the spot like that. She was being unethical trying to dig into your personal life like that.”

“This is nice,” Paige says softly, unable to help herself. 

“What is?” 

“Seeing you get all defensive over me. It's nice to see you still care. I didn’t know if you still did.”

Azzi’s quiet for a second, gnawing at her bottom lip as she looks at Paige, “I’ve always cared Paige. And-” she hesitates as the tightrope beneath them wavers, “I’m always gonna care.”

There’s years worth of unsaid words lingering in the silence between them as they breach some unspoken rule they’d both inadvertently agreed to. And they both know that they shouldn’t be saying things like this to each other, that they’re teetering on the edge of falling into an abyss that has nothing but destruction at the bottom. But Azzi’s words feel like sunshine, like heat waves across her skin and Paige is so tired of feeling cold. 

Before either of them can say another word, Stephie comes back into the room, crawling into Azzi’s lap.

“I’m back,” she beams, completely unaware of the way the two adults are scrambling to act normal around her. 

“Here baby,” Azzi hands the phone to Stephie, “take Miss Buecks to your room. Mama’s gonna go change and then she’ll come read to you okay?”

“‘Kay Mama,” Stephie complies, pressing a soft kiss to Azzi’s cheek before running towards her room. For a second Paige’s screen is blurred in motion until Stephie fixes her again and Paige catches a glimpse of Stephie’s room, specifically the walls that are painted the perfect shade of Valkyrie purple. 

“I love your walls Stephie,” she compliments.

“They’re pu-ple,” Stephie exclaims, “that’s my favorite color.”

“First the ice-cream, now the color, you’re stealing all of my favorites kid,” Paige teases but she’s secretly pleased by this revelation. It’s dangerous how fast Stephie’s starting to whittle down Paige’s walls and build herself a permanent shelf in Paige’s cabinet of my people. 

“Can I tell you a secret Miss Buecks,” Stephie whispers, bringing her lips closer to the phone. 

Paige smiles, “of course you can.”

“I think Mama misses you too,” Stephie says softly and Paige feels her heart catch in her throat, “I heard her tell Nanna on the phone.”

“Can I tell you a secret Stephie?” Paige lowers her voice, leaning into her phone. 

“‘Course you can Miss Buecks.”

Paige swallows as the admission falls from her lips, “I really miss your Mama too.”

I miss her always and I think I’ll miss her forever. 

“What are you the two of you whispering about,” Azzi’s voice cuts in as she tucks herself next to Stephie, a children’s book in her hand. 

“Nothing Mama,” Stephie says immediately, winking at Paige through the phone. 

“Yeah,” Paige echoes, ignoring her erratic heartbeat, “nothing Azzi.”

Azzi looks between the both of them, clearly aware she’s being left out of something, but doesn’t push further. Instead she flips open the book, pulls Stephie closer into her arms and starts reading. If anyone were to ask Paige later, she wouldn’t have the faintest idea about a single word in that damn book. Because as Azzi’s soothing voice begins to lull Stephie to sleep, and the younger girl, despite her yawns, holds the phone up so the blonde can be included in every second of it, Paige feels herself being pulled into a dream she has no right to dream. She dreams of being in Stephie’s purple bedroom. She dreams of her and Azzi lying against Stephie’s lilac bedspread, their hands entwined in the middle over Stephie’s little body. She dreams of a forever that she’d long forsaken.

[withhertea]

tales from february <3

hello witches!

i’ve been on some adventures since we last spoke, but i just got back to my little london flat and felt the urge to sit on my sofa, make myself a cup of tea and update you all on my travels.

i don’t think i’ve gone this long without playing a show for you guys in quite some time, and i’m definitely missing feeling so connected to you all! however, i also think its been so good for me to get a little distance from maisie the singer, and be maisie the friend/ sister/ daughter/ girlfriend/ human person for a little while, and i’ve really been enjoying keeping a little more of myself to myself. i grew up online, having a youtube channel from the age of 15, so letting people into my life has always felt somewhat normal, if anything, exciting and interesting and empowering. i remember moving into my first proper london house share (girls house for the girls who get it) and feeling so thrilled at the idea of showing you all the terrible meals i was making, my desperate attempt at decorating the place from the awful red sofas we dragged off the street to the budget fairy lights strung from every available fixture. it was as coming of age as anything will ever be, and i have such fond memories of baking cookies in the kitchen with the girls and filming every single minute of it, so convinced it was interesting and important. and it was, interesting and important. all girlhood is.

if you were around back then, you will remember the release parties, the baking sagas, the nights out, the secret language exposés i used to film. i loved doing it, but i think over the last few years, there’s been a direct correlation in how the more i started sharing of myself in my music, the less i wanted to share of myself through social media. my second album was a real turning point in how i wrote music – it had always been fairly autobiographical, but there was always a liberal dose of fantasy/ fiction mixed in too. i grew up writing constantly, which required an unending pool of inspiration, so i got good at putting myself within other universes and writing inside other people’s shoes. the music i made during my teenage years was full of the melting of the real and unreal, and truly only i will ever know what was what! however i think i hit my early twenties, went through a couple heartbreaks, and discovered the true utter joy in putting my life into forever song. the chronicling means that what was once a fleeting memory, can become something permanent, something lasting, something important, which was all i ever really wanted. the good witch was a pure version of this, a breakup and a year of my young adult life distilled into 15 songs that i’m still ferociously proud of, and now consider the benchmark for the amount of honest i want to give you guys; my next album, title *redacted*, i hope will continue that.

anyway, in conclusion, i feel that i have withdrawn a little the last couple months, and i guess i wanted to talk about why. i think whilst i’ve been in the thick of writing this album, i needed some space and time to get to that honest part of myself, so whilst i might not have been on your screens, rest assured i have been working everyday on getting back to them! full transparency in my writing for me requires a cocoon like energy in my day to day, but i hope when the music comes out you feel it is worth it. i’m working on secret plans all the time, all with the intention of letting you guys know the real me, as increasingly – and without being cringe and earnest – that is my favourite maisie peters, and the one that i want to share the most.

in other news! i went to america! two slightly rainy, intense, formative weeks in la working on the album, and four sickly days in nashville where i meant to go to let loose and have fun, and ended up just getting deathly ill and mostly sleeping on cate’s bathroom floor! let’s start with la…

for all my deep englishness, i do find la charming – it might be all the joan and eve i’ve consumed (like every sensible 21 year old girl should), but i do love it’s shabby glamour, its beautiful light, its ridiculousness. the music there is also just so good, as it always has been, and although i find its energy intense, and the lack of ability to walk downright evil, i do think that as a music city you can’t find many better. this was a real two week dedicated block to make movement on the album in its final stretch – and i think i did it! that doesn’t mean it always felt easy and obvious (real progress maybe never does feel like this whilst you’re in the thick of the progress itself, something i’m learning), so i’m grateful to that time for teaching me a lot, and to the people i worked with out there who also played a massive hand in that. time will tell what that trip means for the record, but it was a deeply educational, inspiring time in eagle rock and west hollywood, and if i could tell me at 14 what i was up to there, she’d probably fall over. in a good way.

have a lyric i worked on whilst out there, as a little treat:

vultures dressed up like white horses crooks and good guys all distorted i thought if i’m honest, my cards were never gonna turn

<333333

nashville was as i said, mostly full of puking, so i’ll leave to your imagination. however, it was amazing to be back with roommate cate who lives out there and who i miss dearly – life has changed so much for both of us, and whilst i wish i could still knock on her bedroom door and ask her if she wants to have gnocchi for dinner, i know she is thriving in the wild west, and it is the most fun getting to visit her. even if all we did was go to costco, watch matthew mcconnoughey films and gossip, it was still one of my favourite trips yet. i didnt watch the superbowl due to severe nausea, but maybe the real superbowl was the friendship we made along the way. puke.

since being home, i’ve been to one hot yoga class i actually enjoyed (!!), been on a valentines date night for the first time in my life (!!), bought a matching smeg baby pink toaster and kettle (the most happiness i have felt since heelys as a child), started making tentative album track listings (!!), and waltzed my way through london’s freezing temperatures. i love being home, i love this city, i love my life here, and sitting on the sofa writing this mailer, listening to the washing machine hum makes me feel so grateful for all the little things. it is, and will always be, the greatest privilege of my life getting to play my music for a living, but it has also been the biggest treat getting to make a life i love that’s not on four wheels. however, i am still a road dog at heart, and being at home has me daydreaming of playing shows again; picturing the setlists and the stages and the memories together, and i’m itching to get going. the thought of having a whole new universe for us to throw ourselves into has me grinning ear to ear, and i hope that it can be sooner rather than later.

lets wrap this up with some recommendations as per usual, and then i shall have to love you and leave you :’)

i started the tv show industry on my flight out to la, and by the time i was home i had finished the entire thing. obsessed is not strong enough a word. s4 now please

in la i went to a thai restaurant called the night market numerous times, and the coffee shop coffee memes, both in silverlake. silly name for the latter, but wonderful vibes and i highly recommend both

i devoured on all fours by miranda july. DEVOURED. one of my favourite reads in recent history, and it has truly stuck with me in a way that not many things do

those dishmatic sponges for washing up, we just restocked and for those girls who like a frequent clean (it is me, i am those girls) these things really do the lords work

those little chocolate chip cookies from trader joes in the tub, i brought some back with me and everyone who had one asked what drugs were inside them. true story

ok love u all to the moon!!!

mais x

p.s i’m having strong thoughts about cutting off all my hair… if i chase this bliss… you heard it here first …

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Seventeen

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way? 

Authors Note: Okay! Hi!:) Just have to say thank you for all the love you lot keep showing this series, it’s so mad and so very appreciated. Honestly makes me want to carry on writing. But I also wanted to add a quick warning to this update.. There is a lot going on, we finally get what we’ve been waiting for!! But there are other topics that also come into play. SO that being said please read the warnings below.

Warnings: Mentions of drug and alcohol abuse (past tense), as well as sobriety, also a previous death, bit gruesome but needed- this relates back to a conversation held between Matty and Jamie in Part Eight.

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

She never did call.

Matty waited, and then waited some more. He fidgeted the rest of the day, smoked his way through a pack of fags when they’d been down at the studio, and then nursed a single pint after having allowed the guys to bully him into one of the local pubs.

It wasn’t until much later that night that he heard anything from her at all, and it hadn’t been a call, but instead a text.

Messages now Squeaks xx I listened to it 

He’d been cooped up in his office since the second he’d gotten home, looking through a couple of older demos and other sound clips in hopes that he’d find something that would fit with the current sound of their new album. George had been on his case about it all, claiming he’d been too spaced out as of late, so Matty had huffed but ultimately followed through.

Songbooks from years before were piled up high on his desk and on the floor, pages full of chords and scribbled lyrics cluttered the rest of the space, but he continued on, using it to distract him from the torturous wait.

When his phone finally did buzz, Matty had almost decided not to answer it, figuring that it would just be a message from Jamie, or maybe his mum. He was still waiting for that ring. But fuck was he glad that he’d taken a glance. Otherwise he might’ve missed it.

Are you busy?

The next text had come through almost a minute after the first, as though she’d been debating sending it. Matty frowned down at the screen, pushing away from his desk slightly.

She’d heard it.

She’d heard the demo. 

He didn’t quite know how to feel about that, or what to take from her clipped response. It was why he had essentially asked her to call him, because at least then he would’ve been able to somewhat determine what she’d thought about it, how she might’ve felt.

His tongue slid between the row of his front teeth in thought, staring down at the messages he’d received whilst his thumbs hovered over the keyboard looking for something to say.

Can you come over?

His fucking breath got caught in his throat just reading that, his tongue suddenly too big for his mouth. Matty didn't even think before he hastily answered her, worried she might take it all back.

Give me ten minutes.

He could do ten minutes. 

Fuck it. He’d fucking speedtail it out of here and try for five if it meant that she’d just let him in again. The last week had been painful enough, no need to fucking prolong it.

So that was what he did, throwing on the first pair of trainers he’d found in the hallway and grabbing at the car keys he’d tossed down on the counter months earlier. Forgetting about the album and the work he’d planned to do, along with whatever else that had seemed so important just a second ago.

She called and he would come running.

…

It was pissing down by the time he made it to her place.

Headlights on and ignition still running, Matty went to make his escape from the driver's seat, practically vibrating with the anticipation of it all. But he did momentarily pause to yank the keys from beneath the wheel before eventually scrabbling his way out of the sidedoor, feet immediately dropping into the murky puddle sat beneath. 

He’d parked like a fucking dickhead, halfway onto the curb and his boot sticking out into the empty street, but he could care less about it as he jogged around the front of the car and up the first few steps to her door.

There was blood rushing in his ears, filling up his head and making him dizzy with it all. He raised a fist to knock, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

He’d gotten there in just under seven minutes. 

His heart was pounding like mad. 

He knocked. 

It was minutes or maybe seconds before he heard a slight scuffle on the other side. Before the hallway light turned on and peered through the painted window pane sat atop the familiar front door. 

The chain fell with a clang and Matty swallowed, watching on as the hinges creaked, revealing her face.

She stared up at him, standing in a pair of pyjamas he remembered seeing on a late night call of theirs, her hair all tied up in one of those pretty buns, soft curls escaping at the sides.

Her lips parted with her next breath, the sound of it jumped out at him and Matty couldn’t really hold back anymore. It had been six months. Six whole months. Almost to the day they’d met... Back when he’d been cocksure and arrogant. When he’d still been reeling from another stint in rehab, and from the stunt before the summer, and from Luke’s death.

Matty paused. 

He hadn’t really thought about Luke so easily. Not ever. Not since that night. Not in passing.

But she was currently staring back at him. Her eyes wide and tired. Shining in the light of the street lamps that crowded the street outside. 

Matty stepped forward, reaching for her. 

“Tell me to stop.” He muttered. 

She didn’t. 

And so his hand found the edge of her jaw, fingers nestling into a place at her hairline, skimming the tip of her ear.

“I can’t.” She answered him. Always so full of truth. 

And Matty, Matty was a selfish man. He’d been a selfish kid, too. A bratty teenager. A hellish son and an even worse boyfriend. Always so egotistical, so bold, so brazen. But even more so, selfish. 

He would take and take. And this moment was no different. He took.

Her mouth met his with an agonising fever, and there was an eager sigh that escaped in the breath shared between them that Matty couldn’t really determine if was his or hers.

She let him in so easily, let his tongue roam. She let him pull her close, let his hand find purchase on her hip and hear her moan. 

It was a whimper of a thing, a sound that was swallowed up by his mouth as he consumed her again. But it fuelled that fire within him, that heat which had been simmering so close to the surface of his skin for weeks, months now. 

“Mouse.” Matty said shakily, walking her backwards, further into the flat, where their feet shuffled over the hardwood floors. The door swung shut behind them and rattled in the silence before he was spinning and pressing her shoulders up against its cold wood. 

“Matty.” She breathed back to him, fingers catching on his neck, then his jaw, winding their way up into his hair. Tugging. 

A grunt escaped him and he pressed harder with it, teeth catching on her teeth, hands moulding into her skin. 

She tasted of something sweet, it coated the length of her tongue and melded well with the cigarette he’d lit on his way over. He wanted to taste more of it, found his nose pressing against the skin of her cheek in an attempt to do so. 

It was a second later that he felt himself rut up against her, accidentally mind, but the zip of his jeans tugged at the band of her bottoms and the movement made him realise he was hard. Had been half-way there from the moment she had texted him, but now, in her hallway, with her grinding up against him, and with those pretty little sounds she let slip, it was almost painful.

“Squeaks.” He managed to force out and she swallowed her own name right up, one arm wrapping around the length of his shoulders whilst the other tugged at the nape of his neck. 

Matty followed her demands effortlessly, a hand slipping under the hem of her shirt to feel at the warm skin hidden beneath, a calloused thumb brushing against the jut of her hip.

He explored, felt the edges of rigid flesh she kept hidden and out of sight, the freckles that lingered and dotted her torso, then wedged his knee between her legs. Hands grabbing at the backs of her thighs. 

One of her knees rode up higher on his side as he shifted even closer, letting her use him like a makeshift ladder to lift herself further up in the little space which stood between him and the door. 

He rutted again and the joint of her knee tightened by his hip, the heel of her foot digging into the back of his leg, forcing him even nearer. He grabbed at the swell of her arse, noting the way she arched into him at the touch. How her stomach tensed. 

It had just been pissing it down outside, he recalled belatedly, but her warmth in that moment seemed to dry up the remaining raindrops caught in his hair and along the shoulders of his coat. His fingertips pressed harder into her thighs at the thought, feeling the bottom of her shirt ride up higher between them upon catching on the zip of his jacket. 

She nipped at his lip, then his jaw, hands all but clawing at his neck and his back.

“Squeaks.” He tried again, brain hazy with want but needing to do this right. He had to do this right. “Squeaks.” Again he said, a plea within a shared breath between them, “Baby, please.”

She retreated all too quickly, letting him go with a sharp inhale. Lids heavy with avidity as she blinked back at him. 

Matty realised then that he’d had her pinned to the door, crowded against the wood and practically having lifted her up off of her feet. He swallowed thickly at the sight and willed his dick to calm the fuck down. But it had been way too fucking long. 

He was unhurried in the way he shifted beneath her before carefully letting her go, unwinding the leg he held at his hip before she slid slowly down his front. Feet hitting the cold wood floors with a soft thud.

He blinked and gone was that selfishness they had just shared, that immediate heat, and suddenly she was all wary, shy almost. Matty reached up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, before he steeled himself and finally took a step back.

“You came.” She murmured after a breath, and had his mind been in better shape he’d have been quicker with his quip.

But yet, he was left drifting in between the heady thrill and the uneventful come down they’d shared. 

He blinked slowly at her. Could see that the hallway light was the only one on, but somewhere, further down the hall, a soft glow from one of her many lamps crept its way past a door. 

“You said you’d call.” He found himself saying in reply, though it wasn’t the reprimand he’d thought it was. 

Her smile was soft then. Fond. 

His breath caught at the sight of her, still laboured from the minute before.

“After.” Squeaks whispered in recall. And Matty heard himself repeat it, “After, you said.”

She took a small step closer to him, the padding of her feet echoed in the narrow walkway. Matty’s hands twitched at his sides.

He saw her throat bob. 

“Tea?” She questioned, and Matty was both thankful and resentful for the quiet offer. 

He nodded, blinking owlishly at her. 

They stood there, not moving, for a long moment. The sound of a car passed, then the scuffle of a person or two outside, as well as the far off yap of a neighbouring dog. And still they just stood there, staring.

She took another step nearer and Matty attempted not to react to the way her fingers caught on the front of his coat, memorising the careful way she started to peel it off of him, turning so that she could claim it and then hang it off some place to the side. He looked at her the whole while, scared to take his eyes off her, in truth.

He licked at his lower lip when he caught her staring too and captured her hand in his when she went to step around him. 

“Tea.” He reminded himself and she smiled, eyes flickering across the length of his face. As though she was seeing him for the first time.

“Tea.”

…

Her kitchen always felt so homely. 

She had spices fixed to a rack on the wall, wound in growing ivy attached to the potted plant that sat on the windowsill beside it. Her fridge was dotted in magnets and polaroids, and a drawing of Teddy’s hung front and centre. The table was always so neat, though still cluttered with the odd crayon and lego piece, a bowl of fruit was perched in the very middle. She had one of those kettle cosy’s too, a knitted one that reminded Matty of days spent at his nana’s house when he was just a boy. 

His favourite part of all of it though, had to be her. 

He stood in the doorway and just watched as she puttered about the space, flashbacks of previous visits coming back to him. She had this easy grace about her, an elegance he always seen but could never quite make out. She was a piece to many puzzles in the way she typically held herself, so ready to fight and so willing to wilt, but in that moment she just was.

And Matty could hardly tear his eyes away from her, from the length of her back to the curve of her waist. The taste, the memory of her still coating his tongue.

He’d kicked off his shoes before he could trail a messy track throughout her home, so his footsteps were quiet when he finally crossed the kitchen tiles. He paused just behind her, his hands falling to her hips whilst his chin dropped to rest on her shoulder.

She allowed it. Picking up the kettle to pour over two mismatched mugs, he simply watched her work.

It was a difficult task not allowing his hands to wander, or to keep his mouth from pressing against the pulse in her neck, but he withheld, content to just hold her. Humming when she picked up the milk and thinking over the last day they’d spent together. That night at his.

They moved over to the table not long after, her kitchen blinds were still open so the moon gifted them all the light they needed. Matty kept close, knocking his knees against hers at the very corner of the table, unwilling to go without.

She was quiet still whilst she danced a finger around the rim of her steaming brew, Matty was mesmerised by the delicate motion.

A hum of hers broke the silence they had since settled in, the softness of it causing him to blink and look up, immediately recognising the faint tune of the demo he’d sent her.

He smiled, his eyes caught on to the one she wore too. Practically conspiratorial.

His legs reached outwards to capture one of her ankles between his feet, her gaze flickered back and forth between both his eyes. He wondered what she saw in them, what she made of him.

“I’m guessing you liked it then.” Matty spoke, voice ever so low, still scared to break their languid solitude.

Mouse dipped her chin in a nod, peering up at him through dark lashes that made him want to catch her by the neck and pull her in again. He knew what she tasted like now, he felt as though it would forever haunt him.

“Thank you,” She whispered after, fingers cupped around the bottom of her mug. His brow furrowed.

“For what?”

She smiled again, blinking at him sweetly, “For my gifts, for always being so lovely, for sending me that song.”

Matty snorted, knowing that the last thing he could possibly be was lovely.

Fingertips touched his chin then and she guided his face back up to meet hers, he hadn’t realised he’d even looked away. But it was then that he was reminded of that night in his own kitchen, crowded between her legs and the counter, her kind eyes. You’re enough.

“Was it for me?” She questioned, watching him closely again. Something she tended to always do. “‘Cause that kiss, it sort of made it feel like it was for me.”

Matty grinned, eyes squinting with the strength of it. 

It was so easy- too easy, even- for her to make him smile like that, and he couldn’t even begin to decide whether he loved or hated the fact that she had the ability. 

“Yeah, Squeaks. It was for you.”

Her cheeks dimpled in an attempt to dim the smile she then wore, elbows pressing against the table’s edge, her foot resting on top of his own. “Good.” She murmured, leaning in closer now.

“Good?” He chuckled, following the motion. Eyes caught on the curve of her mouth.

“Uhuh,” She breathed into the small space between them, nose brushing against the side of Matty’s own. “Really good.”

He laughed again, low and breathy this time around, before he finally closed the distance and kissed her for a second time.

She laughed too, smiling against his lips.

–

For an insomniac, the dark was a place full of many contradictions.

Matty had spent countless hours staring up at all types of ceilings, in all sorts of places, and in all kinds of countries. But hers, he reckoned, was possibly his favourite. As most things had come to be in the short time he’d spent with Mouse.

Because even as she slept on beside him, bundled in the duvet and a blanket that smelt of her, he didn’t stress over the fact that he was still wide awake. 

His mind was too preoccupied to stress. Just thinking back to the expression she’d worn when she’d first opened the front door. To the breathy gasps that had escaped her in the hallway. The way she’d gently carded her fingers through his hair after she’d lured him into bed. Promising to talk more tomorrow.

He thought of Luke then, as well. As he often did whenever the darkness plagued him.

The fucker would be laughing if he could just see him now, obsessing and all soppy over some bird. Smiling away to himself in the dark.

But Matty knew that he’d be happy too. Glad that he was finally getting back on the right track. Actually trying this time around. Because Luke had known the hardships of addiction just as well as Matty had- it was what had killed him in the end, wasn't it.

He could still picture his face, both before and after the fall. One second they’d all been grinning on that roof, high as kites and drunk out of their minds, having the time of their lives, and then his had hit the concrete.

Matty’s stomach rolled at the thought.

At the eerie silence that had followed.

He’d been struggling that night, trying to get clean, to stay clean. And they’d only gone to the party, Luke and Danny, to appease him. Luke, having tagged along wanting to look out for him, to make sure that he didn’t get too caught up in anything he couldn’t get himself out of.

Luke had been sober three months at that point. Clean of the drugs and the drink. All of it. He’d drank that night though, the party had been at one of his dodgier mates places and he wouldn’t have been able to have stayed in the clear.

Matty remembered egging him on, telling him to live a little. To have a beer. A shot. And then another. And another. Someone else had offered him that line though.

He’d been hammered by the time some idiot had come up with that dare and they’d all thought it had been a sick idea to try and walk the length of the roof. Like they were at Zippo’s sodding circus.

Luke had been doing so good. Matty had known it too. What with his first EP coming out that September, something which Jamie had made happen, and his new flat that he’d not long moved into. Away from the familiarity of street corners he knew far too well and faces of dealers that he’d seen time and time again before.

He’d been good. Been going steady.

Then he was just dead.

Matty didn’t close his eyes then, even as they began to water. Didn’t want to see him like that. Knew that he would if only he shut his eyes. Because he couldn't stand to see the reminder, the life that had left him too quickly.

A slight sniff broke him from his thoughts then and he stilled as Mouse moved and turned in her sleep.

He let himself breathe a little easier once she’d settled again, tucking her face into the crook of his shoulder and nestling further into his side. He wrapped an arm around her, needing her close, and then finally allowed his eyes to fall shut, burying his face in the top of her hair.

He wondered if she’d let him stay from now on and pressed a long kiss to her forehead.

He hoped that she would, listening to the quiet that hummed throughout the rest of her flat as his mind began to let go of what consciousness it had once clung on to.

‘Tomorrow’ was his final thought before he eventually drifted off. It had been a long time since he’d thought that he’d ever make it to a tomorrow.

–

It was a grunt I woke up to. The heavy and unfavoured kind, the type that was only ever forced out of you when you received a hefty blow to the stomach.

I felt my face wrinkle as I pressed in closer to the warmth beside me, unhappy to have been woken. But then I heard a whisper, followed by a giggle, which had me blinking blearily and peering up at the toddler now towering over me.

“Wake now?”

“Teddy.” I heard someone else laugh right above my head, and I was quick in the way I looked up, recognising that the warmth I’d been clinging to had been Matty all along. “You’re an actual monster, you know that?”

Teddy squealed happily when Matty tickled his sides, but seemed content with his place on the man’s stomach and the fact that Matty was here at all. 

I wanted to groan at the very idea, I hadn't much thought this through. Not when I’d heard the song, thinking back to the night I’d spent at his, the fight we’d had, the way he’d held Teddy and promised him that things would soon be alright.

It hadn’t felt real. It still didn’t.

“Wake?” Teddy said to me again and I had to give a soft laugh when I felt his finger prod at my cheek, which was probably marked with the line of Matty’s t-shirt now. “Yeah?”

I chuckled again, peering up at him. “Yeah, I’m awake.” I replied, smiling before I rubbed at my eyes.

Matty’s arm seemed to be tucked up under me because it twitched a tad when I moved. I grimaced at the loss of feeling he must have experienced and murmured a quiet “Sorry,” shuffling over slightly so that I could free the limb. But he merely laughed to himself before his hand came up to rub at my arm, keeping me close. 

“It’s fine.” Matty replied, his voice tinged with sleep and grainy from lack of use, but then he winced and flexed his fingers, “Oh.”

I snorted softly and glanced up at him, “Pins and needles?”

His nose wrinkled further, as did his lips when he tilted his head back and tried to shake loose the feeling from his wrist. I let him have his arm back, turning over onto my stomach to simply watch him, drinking in the sight of him whilst I still could.

“Yeah.” He hissed out and Teddy, who was watching too, started to shake his arm alongside Matty.

Matty only noticed the mimicking movement when he felt the toddler shift on his torso and opened his eyes up only to laugh at the way that Teddy was now copying him.

“Oi,” He admonished, using his other hand to playfully pinch at the boy’s side, “What you think you’re doin’?”

Teddy giggled, hair a mess from having just woken but grinning all the while. “Dancin’! Like you!”

I shook my head and bit back my sudden amusement before dropping it down into my hands when I couldn’t quite manage to hide my growing smile.

“Oh, we’re dancing are we?” I heard Matty say, and could feel the grin he probably wore. Then Teddy was laughing again and squirming beside me once more, sounding so happy, before the bed tilted more so to one side and a soft thud was heard. “Oi, where you off to!” Matty asked him whilst Teddy’s giggles still echoed around the space.

“Tele!” Was the only response he got and I listened to the way Teddy’s feet hurried out of the room, having escaped Matty’s merciless tickles.

There was a quiet for a moment before I felt a hand come to cradle my head and fingers card their way through my hair.

I leaned into the touch, savouring it. I didn’t think anyone had ever touched me with such a softness before, like I was something to be treasured, to be held and kept close.

It was a long while before I finally raised my head again, blinking at the sweet sight I was met with. I smiled at the mess his curls were in and the way his eyes squinted in the dim light of the room.

“Hi.” I whispered and his fingers stilled in my hair when he looked back at me. 

Matty didn’t say a thing though, merely shuffled further down the bed, the duvet being kicked somewhere to the bottom before he finally settled in beside me, both our heads now resting on a single pillow.

His fingertips skirted along the edge of my jaw and trailed across the bottom of my lip before his thumb reached out to catch it too, pinching the flesh ever so slightly.

“You snore.” Matty said to me then and my mouth dropped open slightly in offence.

“I do not.”

He snorted to himself, grin widening, “You do.”

I shoved him but his hands were quick to grab at my arms, wrapping them up and moving to press them against his chest. “It’s cool though, they’re cute snores.”

“How the fuck can they be cute, Matty?”

He rolled his eyes at the ask, still grinning away. “Like, just soft and stuff. Don’t stress, I’ve roomed with George and he’s got the lungs of a whale or summat. I could probably sleep next to a fog horn and feel at home.”

A bright laugh escaped me at that, before I was shaking my head gently and looking back at his sleepy smile. “That makes me feel so much better.”

Matty smacked his lips around another grin, shrugging the shoulder that wasn’t pressed to the mattress. He reached out then, brushing a loose strand from out of my face and let his thumb linger on a freckle.

“Your breath stinks as well.”

I bit into my bottom lip at that, narrowing my eyes at him. “Well yours is no better! And besides, you didn’t seem to mind it much last night.”

I went to turn over then but he was hasty in his movements to grab at me, tugging me back towards him, closer this time. I laughed joyfully, “Hey!”

“Hi.” Matty grinned smugly once we'd settled, his hand falling to the small of my back.

I was gripping one of his shoulders now whilst my other arm laid in the little space between us. “I said that already.” I told him, feeling each soft exhale that escaped him. 

He hummed, thumb rubbing circles into my skin. “I missed you, you know.”

My brow furrowed, “You slept right beside me, you muppet.”

He pinched my hip in retaliation and so I chuckled. “You know what I meant.”

I did know.

“Missed you, too.” I murmured, letting my fingertips trail up over the side of his neck, liking the feel of his barely there stubble. “But-”

He stopped me then, nudging my cheek with the tip of his nose, “I know. Later, yeah?”

My eyes fell closed and I hummed in agreement, later was fine. We could talk later.

His hand pressed against the curve of my back, forcing me even closer, and so my fingers worked themselves into his hair. I exhaled softly and tilted my head forward just a touch. He closed the distance between us in a single heartbeat.

Kissing Matty was different, everything about it just felt right in a way that no other kisses ever quite had. Things appeared to click. Fall into place around me. 

But don't get me wrong, it was painful too, because there was that ache in my chest again, the hole that hollowed out my unforgiving heart. I wanted him but at the same time, I was too terrified to reach out and touch.

Our lips brushed, once, twice, then a third time, hesitant and careful, before something shifted and I was taken back to the previous night. To the way his fingers had dug deep into my thighs, to the front door pressing against my spine, to the way he’d held me so weightlessly.

Talking could wait til later, I reminded myself.

Now, all I wanted was for Matty to consume me and I immediately gasped at the cold hand that dragged its way up my side to tease me, thumb brushing against the nipple that hardened beneath it. 

I wouldn’t let him have all the fun though, so without a second thought I rolled him over and settled on his hips. He was surprised by the change but adapted seamlessly, rutting up off the mattress to meet me, one hand still toying with me, taunting, whilst the other cupped the back of my head.

It was back and forth for a short while, mouth chasing mouth, chests heaving with the force of it.

But then, a bang hollowed out the flat.

I jumped at the sudden noise and shot my head over towards the door, listening in closer.

“Okay?” I called out, noting the breathless quality my voice now had. I waited and didn’t move even when Matty’s hands came to just sit on my waist. 

“‘Kay!” I heard Teddy shout back and I released a semi-amused huff before turning back to face the man beneath me, “Sorry.”

And I was. I really was, especially when I forced myself to drop back down onto the bed sheets next to him.

Matty simply chuckled and I glanced over at him, smiling slightly when he reached out to swipe a gentle thumb over the scar on my jaw. “You’re good." I wondered if he was just saying that, but then, "What do you think he’s actually done though? Sounded like the bike to me.”

I sighed at the very thought. The bike had been one of my mum’s many Christmas gifts to Teddy, one which I hardly had any room for in the flat. I silently hoped that it wasn't the bike, but was caught on the way Matty had so easily adapted, moving on without complaint.

Was that normal?

Matty’s hand coaxed me back into looking at him again and I softened when I saw the smile he wore. “Later,” He reminded me, knocking a knuckle against my chin before he withdrew completely, sitting up on the edge of the bed. “How about a fry up then? There's that bakery by the studio or the cafe up near mine, choice is yours but it’s on me.”

“Matty.” I huffed, not a whine but near enough, extending an arm out in hopes that it would call him back to bed.

He smirked, glancing at me from over his shoulder once he'd stood. He dragged a hand through his hair. “Come on, got a growing boy to feed- Teddy too, I 'spose.”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help my grin. “You’re an idiot.”

“So you’ve said.” He quipped and I could hear how his laughter filled the flat even as he headed for the bathroom, “Teds get ready, mate! We're getting bacon!”

I fell back onto the mattress with a smile, staring up at the ceiling above me with a little bit of hope.

[elminx]

Energy Update: May 2024

May is a "4" Universal Month [5 (May) + 8 (2024) = 13 = 1+3 = 4] in an "8" Universal Year. "4" months are about shoring things up and creating structure. We were put through the wringer during April's intense total solar eclipse and Mercury retrograde cycle, and now we are tasked with picking up the pieces and making something out of what is left.

The Set Up

We begin the month of May with the Sun, Venus, Jupiter, and Uranus in Taurus; Mercury and Mars in Aries, Saturn and Neptune in Pisces, and Pluto in Aquarius. This continues our pile-up of planets which have now been in a sequence of conjoining signs for several months. This indicates that this area of life - stretching from Aquarius and Pisces (the last two signs in the horoscope wheel) through to Aries and Taurus (the first two signs) - needs all of our attention. Something is ending and something is beginning but we are still mid-process.

By month's end, the Sun, Venus, and Jupiter will have entered Gemini and Mercury will enter Taurus. Additionally, Pluto will have stationed retrograde.

The Nitty Gritty

When I say that "4" months have a certain feel, I want to point to May 2024 as a prime example. April was challenging for many people (I hesitate to say most but I think it might be headed in that direction) and it has left a big mess in its wake. It may take some time to gather ourselves enough to pick up the pieces, but May, with both its transits and its 4 energy, will offer us every opportunity to do so. The thing is, "4" energy isn't something that just happens, you need to work for it.

In this, often-lazy Taurus isn't doing us any favors but we are getting quite a bit of support from Mars in its home sign of Aries and Saturn in Pisces. This month's big flex will be to get up daily and put one foot in front of the other. Show up for yourself. There are a couple of potential windfalls towards the end of the month but they will be much more beneficial for those that have put in the work beforehand.

The month begins with a bit of an ending as Venus in Taurus meets up in a fixed square with Pluto in Aquarius. There are a couple of things in play here. The first is that Pluto retrogrades the next day; during this retrograde, it will move backward into Capricorn for the last time later this year. The second is that this is part of an ongoing interplay between Venus and Pluto that stretches back to Venus's retrograde in January of 2022 which was directly conjunct with Pluto in Capricorn.

We are in an ongoing cycle that involves the evolution of relationships (highlighted by our lunar node's transits through Aries and Libra) with a marked push towards valuing the individual over the system as a whole. Venus, through her rulership of our relationship-loving sign Libra, has been in the hot seat for a while now. Now she is in her other ruling sign, Taurus, a sign that can be equally as unwilling to make a change. The problem is that Pluto isn't a planet that can be reasoned with - as one of our outer planets, it is far beyond our control and immune to our influence.

When given the choice to bend or break, Taurus rarely chooses to bend. That will be a problem all month long as our personal planets all move through the sign of the bull and are forced to butt heads up against the inevitability that Pluto brings to the table.

Mars is in play here, too. At the end of April, Venus and Mars entered their home signs which is generally a positive indication for relationships of all kinds. Unfortunately, it brings both into immediate contact with Pluto. This could be a boon for relationships that are future-focused and committed to changing in ways that benefit all people involved. But it will be part of the ongoing stressor for those that are not. This is your cosmic reminder that the North Node in Aries demands independence for all parties during this time; avoid that at your peril.

Pain is on the table. Mercury, now direct, is working its way through its post-retrograde shadow where it meets up with Chiron for the third and final time at 21° Aries. This is very close (within 1°) to the point of our solar eclipse last month which included a rough stellium between the Sun, the Moon, retrograde Mercury, Chiron, and the North Node. We may have moved on (it has been a whole month and we are about to experience a new moon at 18° Taurus), but the scars have barely scabbed over. Monday 5/6 may prove a rough day for many who had difficulty with the solar eclipse as it may echo those same repeating themes.

As a culture, we are taught to ignore our pains but Chiron calls for us to stand up and look at them in the eyes. To know them and where they come from. This isn't the easy path and it can require help (professional or otherwise). All aspects to Chiron support shadow work and healing of all kinds. With Mercury involved, you may want to talk it through or write it out.

This will still be in play for our New Moon at 18° Taurus on late Tuesday night (5/7) or early Wednesday morning (5/8) depending on your time zone. This lunar conjunction is in a strong sextile with Saturn in Pisces. Saturn can be a hard taskmaster, but that is necessary here - after a rough month, we are tasked with picking up the pieces and moving on. This is our first new moon since our eclipse cycle and our first chance to set intentions or to set things right. Taurus can be a very self-indulgent sign, so do your work and get yourself a little treat afterward for morale.

Small consistent steps are the name of the game all month long. Saturn can help us here. Things may feel hopeless (especially if you were rocked by eclipse season or Mercury retrograde) but Saturn reminds us that time changes all things. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, you might as well get going and do something about it.

After that, we sit for almost a full week without any non-lunar aspects. This is always a sign that we need to think about what we've done. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Keep moving. If today is hard, wake up tomorrow and start all over again. Taurus has a lot of staying power, you just need to tap into it.

5/13 will be a big turning point in the energy of the month. Venus in Taurus will sextile Saturn (another chance to work, I guess?) and Mercury will finally exit their post-retrograde shadow. Additionally, our Sun will conjunct Uranus at 23° Taurus - this starts a major Taurus stellium between the Sun, Venus, Jupiter, and Uranus that won't complete until Venus conjunctions Jupiter at 28° on 5/23.

Ten days to get some shit done, that's nothing to snaggle about. This energy will go from intense to more fruitful. I'd stay very aware and out of the fire on 5/13 (Uranus rules unexpected disasters) - don't handle explosives if you don't have to, physically or metaphorically. Uranian energy is uncontrollable at best, so step out of the way if you need to. But it does tend to encourage change and, with both the Sun and Jupiter involved, we can use this to our advantage.

On 5/15, Mercury finally enters Taurus after its ten-week tour of Aries. This was a really long time to experience our planet of communication in the fiery cardinal sign of the ram. It's been a rough go all around with seemingly everybody having opinions about things they know nothing about. May the know-it-alls fall back into the shadows where they belong. Mercury in Taurus can be a bit bullheaded, but, for the most part, will think before they speak which is a major win. Depending on how your April went, you might need to apologize for a few things you said or fights you picked. Own up now because Mercury will meet up in sextile with Saturn soon enough. (Saturn rules consequence and repercussions)

In fact, Mercury makes an immediate square with retrograde Pluto in Aquarius. Pluto, like Uranus (who is very much still in play in that major Taurus stellium), acts upon us as an otherworldly presence. We don't get to control how the planet of death and transformation shows up in our lives; the best we can do is adapt to these overarching inevitabilities. Neither Taurus nor Aquarius is particularly adaptable, so this may be a tough day - thankfully, Mercury transits pass quickly.

5/18 is our first benificent day of the month: our Sun is conjunct to Jupiter which brings great opportunities for luck and expansion (especially in the abundant, fertile sign of Taurus), Venus is conjunct to Uranus so chance is on the table, and Mars is conjunct to the North Node in Aries. If you need a change of pace, this is your day. If you are looking for luck, love, or money, this is also your day. I would work firstly with the Sun, then with Jupiter, and finally with Venus. Together this trifecta can pull in the power of otherworldly Uranus and our lunar nodes.

The seasons are beginning to shift again and we look to the late-spring mutable air sign Gemini. Our Sun in Taurus makes a quick and murky sextile to Neptune in Pisces on Sunday 5/19 before entering the sign of the twins on 5/20. Venus and Jupiter aren't far behind which is a major boon to anybody with a strong Gemini element in their charts. But first, our Sun meets up with retrograde Pluto once again, this time in trine rather than last month's square. The changes that need to be wrought this month are getting easier the further that we progress - Gemini, unlike Taurus, is open to bending in the ways needed to accommodate new things. That is, so long as they understand what they are bending for.

We've got a full moon for that! On Thursday, 5/23, Venus conjuncts Jupiter (so, so auspicious!) under the light of the full moon at 02° Sagittarius, the sign ruled by Jupiter. This is our second beneficent day of the month. Both Gemini and Sagittarius are inquisitive signs eager to learn and study. This is an auspicious day for all, but especially for scholars, students, artists, and writers. This is a great day to plan out your (artistic) year ahead, to apply to see your work published or in an art show, or simply to work with the magnanimous energy of Sagittarius to expand and grow. Set out some milk and cookies for Jupiter during this time (or maybe a good glass of scotch) and ask for some inspiration, it will be sure to follow. Later in the day, Venus enters Gemini.

On Saturday, 5/25, Jupiter joins Venus and the Sun in Gemini. Anytime our intermediate or outer planets change signs, the energy shifts substantially. We may find ourselves more interested in intellectual pursuits while Jupiter transits the airy sign of the twins, but we should be wary of Too Many Mind. Jupiter enbiggens everything it touches and Gemini is known for its chronic indecisiveness. Unlike some signs which can be too maudlin to see any options at all, Gemini's indecision comes from seeing too many choices and a desire to explore them all. You may need to take concrete steps to stay on track. (unless you enjoy rabbit holes, I'm not judging)

With Jupiter in Gemini, Gemini season will happen fast and you can see that reflected in Mercury's aspects. Mercury in Taurus makes a tougher aspect to Saturn in Pisces on 5/27 which is a reminder to keep a check on our thoughts during this airy season (always important) and then makes a major conjunction to Uranus at 24° Taurus. Uranus is the higher octave of Mercurial energy - where Mercury is thought, Uranus is pure inspiration, or, sometimes, madness. If you are prone to extreme flights of fancy or intense mania, this is a day to watch out for. If you need a good push to create or be bold, it can be used to your advantage.

Our last aspect for the month is a tough conjunction between Mars and Chiron at 22° Aries - this again is a reminder that when we are not paying attention to our actions, we can end up in some pretty rough places. Mars in Aries would rather run at full speed and is known for not looking where he is going. You might need to reign in some of your impulses as we get deeper into Gemini season, or else you end up sore muscled, and unable to move for a bit.

The Details

5/1 - Venus in Taurus square Pluto in Aquarius 5/2 - Pluto retrogrades 02° Aquarius 5/3 - Mars in Aries sextile Pluto in Aquarius 5/6 - Mercury conjunct Chiron 21° Aries 5/7 - New moon 18° Taurus (EDT, will be 5/8 for most of the US), Sun in Taurus sextile Saturn in Pisces 5/13 - Sun conjunct Uranus 23° Taurus, Mercury exits its post-retrograde shadow 27° Aries, Venus in Taurus sextile Saturn in Pisces 5/15 - Mercury enters Taurus 5/17 - Mercury in Taurus square retrograde Pluto in Aquarius 5/18 - Sun conjunct Jupiter 28° Taurus, Venus conjunct Uranus 23° Taurus, Mars conjunct North Node 13° Aries 5/19 - Sun in Taurus sextile Neptune in Pisces 5/20 - Sun enters Gemini 5/22 - Sun in Gemini trine retrograde Pluto in Aquarius 5/23 - Full Moon 02° Sagittarius, Venus conjunct Jupiter 29° Taurus, Venus and Jupiter in Taurus sextile Neptune in Pisces, Venus enters Gemini 5/25 - Jupiter enters Gemini 5/27 - Mercury in Taurus sextile Saturn in Pisces 5/29 - Mars conjunct Chiron 22° Aries 5/31 - Mercury conjunct Uranus 24° Taurus

Do you like my work? You can support me over at Kofi by tipping me, purchasing an astrology report, or signing up to be a monthly supporter of my work.

[turtleblogatlast]

okay so just so you know, im literally in love with your prison!leo au, yesterday i spent like over an hour scrolling through the tag and i think i read every post at least twice (more for the comics). its combining ‘prison dimension has permanent effect on leo, and not just mentally’, ‘immortality angst’, ‘object or place having a form of sentience’, AND ‘leo is somehow made significantly younger than his brothers which very much changes their dynamic without him wanting it to’ all into one which is just amazing.

i love how you combined comedy and tragedy very well!! like, for example the idea of leo being mistaken for the youngest brother, than a son, then a GRANDSON, is kinda funny for a second, but when you think about it for more than a couple seconds its also. really tragic. this poor kid may never be able to fully grow up - not only is he likely going to outlive his whole family but hes also permanently in the body of a child, lacking a fully developed brain and maybe never having the full maturity of an adult (at least in path b, until hes able to find a ‘cure’, if ever). its just. so good!!

anyways aldjsldkksld enough of the gushing (i mean i could keep doing it for like two thousand more words, but if i did it would probably devolve into keysmashes at some point from the Grip this au has on my brain). i am curious, what would happen if leo got sick? i know you mentioned that things like a common cold wouldnt really affect him that much, but what about one of those sickness is that leaves you pretty delirious/feverish and can take you out in a matter of a week? (could be a type of mystic sickness or curse as well, where you don’t know if the victim will survive or not and the only option is to wait it out.) what would happen? would they sort of just decide that its better to find a way to temporarily kill him so his body could regenerate as new, or would they try to take care of him and see if they could wait it out, since i imagine it would be the only time he’d really let his family take care of him in that way. thats all assuming his body wouldnt just automatically find a way to heal the separate curse and he’d be well again within an hour (still not fully sure as to how his healing works, sorry!)

anyways, love this au and im going to be obsessed with it for the next Month thanks

[ cw: discussion of murder / discussion of mercy kill / risky behavior implied / ]

Omg I’m

So touched???

Thank you for enjoying my AU so much, it really makes me happy to hear this :’) This whole AU was thought up exactly because of my interest in the concepts you mentioned - particularly the one regarding the Prison Dimension having a permanent and visible effect on Leo.

I know I haven’t updated it in a while, but I am still working on it and have even finished drafting the next comic, I can’t say when I’ll finish it but this ask definitely pushed me to work on it more so thank you so much <3

As for your question- it depends! In most regular illnesses, Leo would get over them very quickly, only experiencing the briefest brush with the symptoms before his body throws it away, if that. If the illness is mystic in nature then things get a little more complicated, as you’re right in that it could potentially end up as an endless loop of the first part of whatever weird sickness he gets. So if the illness is something that instantly affects you in the worst ways, and it’s something you just need to ride out until it leaves…that can potentially be harmful. Of course, it needs to be a powerful illness to bypass the prison’s curse to that extent though. …then again, maybe something would prefer that for him, should it appear beneficial :)

As for whether the fam would decide to just…’reset’ Leo to get rid of the illness…that’s a tough one. It really depends on how long Leo’s been back, and even then, it’s not something they’d just do, it’s hard for them to even imagine really. More likely, a sickly Leo would merely try to find a cure himself in his delirium, and end up ‘reset’ along the way.

I hope my wishy washy answer was enough! And really, thank you so much again for the kind words, they mean a lot :’)

[may-bee-its-just-me]

personal life update

Hey yall, i figured i'd take some time to give a personal life update as well as allow myself to vent for a second. I'll start with the positives for those not interested in the emotional bits :]

I've been making more substantial steps towards buying a car! I've been looking into this one Saturn, and while it's got a few minor issues, it's still my best option so far. Hoping to buy it for 2000, or 2500-3000 if the seller is willing to continue fixing the current known issues.

I've also been growing a bit closer to God, and I've been finding peace among the chaos. I'm learning to lean on Him for support - which has been an uphill battle against myself and the feeling I need to cling onto what i can control, but when i have been able to let go it's been very freeing. I'm still working on myself and growing in Christ, but progress is progress.

I recently got promoted to Crew trainer (about a month or two ago). I'm now making 75 cents more an hour than I did this time last year, after two biannual performance reviews and a promotion. I heard rumors that I'd been in consideration for a management position but I havent been talked to about it specifically, and I'm not sure if I'd accept if offered it. Still flattering to know though :]

Apparently more than once, customers have spoken to my managers and possibly even some higher ups praising my work ethic. I think its specifically when working on front counter/in lobby, as I'm most actively engaging with customers then and they can see me compulsively scanning over lobby for trash when im otherwise not busy. Regardless, it's nice to know I'm making a genuine positive impact on customers' experiences and potentially the rest of their days. Today, one such pair of customers is an older couple known for being very particular, occasionally rude/difficult to serve. They had already called our regional manager that day to complain before I was moved up front, saw them, and said hi. Later on one of my managers came up to me and had mentioned they liked me, and I assume said something to them about it. :]

On the flip side, i've been in a depressive funk for several months now. I'm actually questioning if it's a depressive funk, or if I'm always depressed and sometimes it's just...not as bad. But the last few weeks have been worse. I'm struggling to take care of myself, and while it's not as bad as it has gotten before - I went three days without showering this week and lately i've been routinely skipping showers after maintaining showering almost daily for a year.

For the last few weeks I keep going back and forth between losing my appetite, and eating myself into feeling sick. I'm pretty sure this is from grief and will pass though.

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks/almost a month ago. For reasons, although there wasn't any real conflict between us during the relationship, it was more internal conflict and convictions. We'd been getting distracted with each other, putting off other things to spend time with each other. He needed to focus on his health and figuring his life out. Part of me still wants to cling onto hope he'll come back around, wants to go back and fight back against his reasons for leaving, because I damn know he still cares about me more than friends. But I'm trying to just trust that if we're meant to be, God will bring us together again naturally when we're ready for it. Trying to focus on getting my shit together on my end, and let Him figure the rest out. We're still friends, and through the relationship we were always friends above all else, so I'm thankful to still just have him in my life. I'll be okay, but the grief does eat away at me sometimes. I thought I had been recovering from it pretty well, but that was suppression (oops). I keep going back and forth from feeling okay about it, and feeling like a piece of me is missing. I even get mad at him from time to time, blaming him for my hurt feelings. "You promised forever" "you actively encouraged me to open up and lean on you, encouraged me to share my burdens with you, and now im supposed to just be okay with that ripped away" and then i see him, and i remember its not his fault, and he's always had my best interest in mind. Even in breaking up with me, he was doing out of the place of wanting what was best for both of us, and thought I deserved someone who already had everything together and wasnt a mess in himself. I know he genuinely meant every word he said in the moment, because i saw him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his actions. I found the card he gave me for my birthday, and it made me cry, because it hurts my heart to think he's breaking both of our hearts needlessly. But everything happens for a reason, and so I'm trying to just...go with the flow of wherever this season of my life takes me. It hurts to think of either of us moving on with someone else, but whatever happens happens. I have so much love to give, and it's a challenge to find somewhere in the tangible physical realm to put it.

Silver lining, he said I can keep the shirt and hoodie he had let me borrow before. I've been wearing his hoodie everywhere...The only thing stopping me from still carrying my promise ring around is the sensory issues that caused me to stop wearing it to work in the first place.

The few coworkers I've told are convinced we're going to get back together soon, but again, trying to trust God and not my own hopes and dreams lol At the very least, no one can gossip about the break up because they can still see us laughing and getting along fine at work. A different couple had briefly broken up, and the amount of gossip that was floating around was awful - everyone talking trash about either person involved because there was a lot of friction between them. I'm just glad that wont be the case for us, and if we don't reunite anytime soon, at least we can still function at work more or less normally.

thats all tonight folks. Thanks for reading, God bless.

-Mod Bee🐝

[knifemare-writing]

i think its possible that I'm doing a jamie p.o.v too soon. that its like, toning down some of the tension. but also like, there's a lot of other sources of tension and drama in this thing, and we can always ratchet it back up. it is a little soon to turning down the menace if i was thinking about this in terms of a novel but ive been posting like very roughly a part a month so the pacing is gonna be different than a novel or even a more regularly updating serial. I maybe couldve done a few more parts before showing my hand there, but then he'd also get to know Alex more and since we started from Alex's p.o.v and he's such an internal, reactive character a lot of the time i wanted to show that from an outside p.o.v.

i am also trying to figure out where to drop this dustin interlude i wrote. the first draft of part 3 is done, but i always basically rewrite the whole thing for my second draft, and this one especially needs a couple big structural changes cause it turns out Jamie's pov flows more naturally for me but also kinda goes wherever it wants, he's gota very rambley internal monologue wheras Alex remains a lot more focused on the things happening around him which makes it easier to actually move the plot along.

if i drop it first the stuff at lunch will be slightly fresher in people's memories and it'll help hold people over to the next part, if i drop it after it will help more with the undercutting of tension im worried about cause we'll have nicer Jamie in parts 2 and 3 and then this interlude will be a good reminder cause he does not come out looking great in it lol.

hmm, the interlude will take way less time to edit, so if i drop it first then i can actually link people to this blog and maybe still be mostly talking to myself but also maybe have one or two people who actually read the story following. and then if i have this type of question again i can just ask people. yeah okay, I'll do that probably.

[whats-wild-to-you]

OMG hii ur back 😍 can i request? I thought about this when Jay was on tour but u were away too so I didnt want to bother u

can u write one for Jay’s POV when he finds a letter that u stuffed in between his clothes before he left for tour? like the letter is u wishing him well, asking him to rest and not work himself too hard, basically sappy fluff to make me cry

oh .. the feels 🥹🥹🥹

I guess you mean the Won Soju tour? Which, side note, is a BRILLIANT idea! When he mentioned it that he should maybe do a Won Soju tour instead of a ‘regular’ one … genius entrepreneurial mind at work 😍

Anywayyyyyyy…

______________________________________________

I dragged my suitcase inside the hotel room, kicking the door close with my foot. Suddenly being back home, in the U.S., felt bittersweet. On one hand I was dying to meet up with my friends again, on the other hand I kept thinking about who I left behind.

It's only been a couple months since we started dating, but she had already become a vital part in my life. Against my intuition, my strong will to separate business from private life, I found myself turning to her whenever I needed advice or a second opinion.

She would often stay over or I would sometimes crash at her place and we'd be like an old married couple, sharing chores and falling asleep next to each other in front of the tv.

Sighing, I immediately took out my phone to text her. Chuckling to myself, because she didn't demand it, but I felt the need to keep her updated nonetheless.

I'm in L.A. in my hotel room. Looks pretty nice. Kinda empty though.

I added a photo of the view and a selfie of me looking all mopey. After a minute I got a text back.

You'll do great. Fighting!

I was hoping for a more heartfelt response but remembered the time difference. She was probably at work right now and couldn't send lengthy texts.

My manager came in to check on me and told me we would be heading to the venue in a hour. I wanted nothing more than to take a nap but another text fron her made me jump in excitement.

I put a couple packets of your favorite ramen in your suitcase so you wouldn't get too homesick. It would be better if you took them out before you crush them.

Smirking at how well my wifey was taking care of me, I bent down, weeding through my clothes. Instead of ramen, I found a red envelope. Curious to see what it was, I took out a handwritten letter.

Hey babe, by now I think you've realized there's no ramen. Sorry for the fib. I just know how you never unpack, so I had to get you to go through your stuff to find this. I know I told you I didn't mind you traveling a lot, and I really don't, but I still miss the hell out of you! We've only been together for a short time but I can't imagine being away from you for too long. Why I didn't tell you all those things when we said our goodbyes you ask? Well, I didn't want to be clingy, or make you worry. I wanted you to enjoy your trip. I know it's mainly work, but I saw how excited you were to do this and I wanted you to have the best time ever! But please remember not too overwork yourself, cause I also know you tend to do that too. I'll be there with you in spirit, so whenever you feel anxious or nervous, imagine I'm right beside you, squeezing your hand reassuringly. Try not to miss me too much, and I promise you I'll do the same. When you come back I'll be waiting for you with your favorite food. Until then, with love. xxx

Wiping a stray tear away, I carefully folded the letter, put it back in its envelope and stuffed it inside my backpack together with my valuables. With trembling hands I called her.

"You know what I want to say, right? I don't want to say it over the phone."

'I know. You'll have countless of opportunities to do so very soon.'

"Okay. Now go back to work!"

I ended the call and let out a frustrated sigh. No matter how emotional I was right now, I was definitely not the right moment to drop the L-word.

[ourceliumnetwork]

as tends to be the Pattern, i'm Frustrated and Angry with my family a little extra so of course this is when they've decided to try and attempt contact.

against possibly better judgement i did respond to mom after her second text (she's bored or she probably wouldn't have bothered) because i did kind of feel like it was worth attempting to reward her actually asking about what adventures i've been on/wanted to go on and whether or not its happened yet.

I kept it fairly neutral - after all the weather's yo-yo'ed like hell up here, and that makes casual walks a little difficult for me to go on. Plus 2/3s the house was sick last week - two weeks ago? what is time anyway - so no Recent Adventures were had outside of commutes and grocery runs on my part.

i just...i don't care what they're doing or why or what's going on in their lives - i know it's probably got a lot of excitement due to my sister's wedding coming up, plus their return from their recent vacation a couple weeks ago, and their lives tend to be pretty routine and they don't exactly get up to a whole lot that i get told about.

(there were multiple instances of them coming to the city i lived in when i lived close by and them just not saying anything or even like mentioning it to me in passing and i would find out via their facebook check-ins to various locations. And I rarely knew when they were out of town until after they'd already come back into the area. There was a real concern when I was leaving my ex that they just wouldn't be there in order for me to ask for help and i wouldn't have known until i tried to reach out. Thankfully they managed to be in town that weekend but like. i just wouldn't have known)

but like...they didn't feel it relevant to tell me when i was 20 miles away, why would i care now when i live 700 miles away? after years and years of them just not talking to me ever except when they needed me to attend a family event so their own egos could be stroked (either by affirming that they still had the love and loyalty of their child on their own, or to show me off to others - this last part tapered down significantly when i stopped being exceptional). They did not care what I got up to when I lived down there. Why would they care now that I live so far away? It's not like they can join me, or that they would have any interest in doing so.

i just like. i don't care. i don't want to know because they had YEARS to connect with me and create a pattern of communication but they didn't want that when i was accessible. do you know how many months i went where the most intimate contact i had with anyone was knocking shoulders with my coworkers on accident? or worse, nothing? because my parents decided they didn't care to actually like...come see me?

a lot of my inability to keep in contact with people does stem from my parents not teaching me how to do that, and from no one trying to contact me because well they could always go through my mom and learn everything they needed. I could in fact tell when people had asked about me and my parents didn't know what to say because that's when they'd text and ask how i was doing. So they could have updated information the next time.

that said if you've ever attempted to keep in contact with me and i just didn't do the work i'm very sorry. I'm trying my best in these warmer months to do the work i need to in order to keep up with friends and such and it's going to get easier with practice but i'm 31 years old and just now trying to figure out how to do this. I apologize for further slips while i work on this area of lacking.

but like. they had zero interest in me or anything i did that didn't elevate their status in the eyes of their peers and superiors. I was exceptional because i could hide myself away in my room and get all my school work and learning done all by myself - until it turned out i wasn't actually doing the school work and i'd get in trouble for slacking. But nothing was done to teach me how to do it better. I was moving up in the world, my parents were proud of me because i worked for my dad! except i only got berated about the work i was doing because i wasn't doing enough of it all of the time and was only appreciated for the work i did when i was like "alright fine, i'm leaving the company" and they realized they'd have to bring someone in to do all of the jobs i'd been doing for $10 an hour/20k a year.

and that was a desk job.

i made more at fucking Chipotle than i did working for my dad.

for seven years.

i'm so mad. i'm mad for Different reasons than i was when i started this but i'm anticipating my mother's surprised pikachu reaction to finding out every joint i have dislocates semi-frequently and that likely what most of my injuries were from in sports were dislocations i was pushing through. and she just responded so i'm going to deal with that and just...i'm angry. i'm angry.

[ruelknudson]

Slow start

Day three.

Well, day 2 was kind of a bust, but I had already expected that. While I am writing as a full-time job, there is a bit of flexibility in it. I knew yesterday, and the next few days, will have no progress. Before I put my notice in with my employee, I had 12/19 as well as 12/21-12/22 requested off. I have personal days, just like anyone else.

As far as "the job" is concerned, Monday was very productive. Only a single page written in a 9-hour workday. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Well, there is a business side to this as well. Reactivating social media accounts and updating my website took up the first two hours. I have about an hour a day allotted to social media. I might take it each day; I may do a couple of hours here and there.

The rest of the day was reviewing the current rewrite. The first draft of this current piece was finished about ten months ago. Since then, I have been treading water on the rewrite. I may get into the nuts and bolts of "my process" in another post. But, for now, consider it loosely defined like this:

Basic Outline.

Vomit out a first draft. Ignore being good, and just get the important parts nailed down. It'll be sloppy, and barely worth calling writing, but it is the foundation.

First rewrite: do the writing. This is the mechanical part of it. Make it good.

Second Rewrite: Self-editing of content. I.e. trim the fat.

Third - Fifth Rewrite(s): Grammar, spelling, structure, themes all get a final review. These are usually very fast. I usually need a few of these. As this blog will attest, my grammar and spelling are terrible.

Send to the editor. Thank God for editors. By the way, they're always right. Ignore them when you absolutely have to. I will limit myself to one "I'm not changing that" per story.

Revise based on editor notes.

Final editor pass. Be prepared to justify the thing you kept which your editor said to change. Smile broadly when the editor doesn't tell you to remove it the second time.

Release.

Number 3 is the longest, and most arduous step for me. However, this is where the book starts to actually resemble something worth reading. I am about 40% of the way through this rewrite, but I had to reread all of the previous work. This reflects how unfocused the process had been while I was working full-time on my previous day job.

This draft is still a mess. Luckily the core themes are properly worked out, and they evolve as I was hoping. My worst fear was repetition. I had to be sure the core ideas weren't creeping back into the piece later on. The themes need to evolve through the story, even a non-fiction story. Somehow, even as disconnected as those rewrites were, the themes are moving forward through the book at a natural progression.

If I stick with this format, I should finish two to three chapters a week. This doesn't look like it will be longer than my previous books. So. it looks like a month before the narrative is finished even with the holidays. Then I do the follow up rewrites. I also have appendices to write, but these are more academic than narrative, so they should go pretty quick and will only have one or two rewrites (if that).

During this process I will journal my thoughts and feelings here. I don't know if anyone will care. That's not the point. I think of it like those behind-the-scenes extras for films. Mostly, they are self-gratifying, but if you are interested in how the sausage is made, then its available.

I also want to use this to document how this process may change from story to story. I am curious how it might look after a few years. Will I have refined my process, or dumped it altogether? I wonder what future me will think of this. I bet future Ruel will take a look, get through the first half, delete it, and hope no one scraped a copy or thinks to look at the way back machine's archives to dredge this up.

One last note. I am rereading "On Writing" by Stephen King. I started in my final week of employment. I highly recommend it for any author, aspiring or not. While it has some advice, it is more of a peek into Stephen King as a writer. I am not a huge fan of King. I like many of his stories, but I don't go running to by a new book of his just because it was released.

However, I always find this book to be reaffirming, and inspiring. I don't agree with everything he says, but that's ok. I think the core value of the book isn't the advice. To me, it feels like he is sharing his experience and passing it along in case what works for him can help other writers. That's not to say one should ignore the advice. Its good advice. But that doesn't mean it works for everyone.

I don't expect the same fame, or any fame. I don't even know if writing will be profitable yet. But there is this sense of kinship when you read this book. I can relate to him, and much of what he says. The first time I read this I found myself nodding at a page like he could see me agreeing with him. It's like a conversation with King. "I totally get where you're coming from, Stephen. Telepathy."

Anyways, it's not a revolutionary book that will suddenly make a writer out of anyone. It's not designed for that. But, if you are a writer, it's a good read, and I recommend it. It's great for slumps. For me, I just needed another writer's voice to tell me I'm not crazy.

Welcome to your first day on the job, Ruel. Did you bring your toolbox?

[xodiumdotnet]

What do I do, Xfinity?

The internet problems saga continues, I suppose.

Back in October or so, I opened up a dialogue with Xfinity (on their official subreddit, which hey, that's kinda nice) concerning their internet in my area going down hard from 7pm to midnight. What I mean by this is that I'll lose a good chunk of my downlink speed and almost all of my uplink, making things like streaming or even uploading pictures in chat apps a bit of a chore.

This began around the time our plan was upgraded from 600/35 (down/up in Mbps, respectively) to 1200/35 in May of 2022. I initially thought it was due to an equipment issue, so I did the financially irresponsible thing and splashed out on a good modem, a Motorola MB8611, which is a modem that received high marks from a friend and Cisco employee who lives and breathes this stuff, so if he says it's good, well...

That unfortunately fixed nothing. Thus, the dialogue was eventually opened.

To their credit, Xfinity did swat down some low-lying issues. They pretty much rewired our house, so the modem now has an entirely new cable run between it and the main splitter that comes off the ground block.

They also did check to make sure the run between the ground block and tap was good. The only interesting thing was that they apparently found something noteworthy with the tap, and filed a mystery ticket against it, a ticket that Xfinity support refuses to elaborate on other than confirming that it exists.

We went back and forth for a bit, and through a couple techs before they eventually fell off and quit responding. Which was fine because at the time this was when the holidays were starting to get into full swing and I was tapped out.

There were still slowdowns, but thankfully things remained somewhat usable, pulling about 400/10. Is that acceptable when you're paying for 1200/35? Not really. But I'll take what I can get at this point.

Everything at this point was pointing to one conclusion: This is a capacity problem. The only variable was that I was using my own equipment that may have some dumb incompatibility. Given how adamant Xfinity support was that this cannot be a capacity issue, maybe they were right?

Some months later, I put it to the test. I went to the Xfinity Store, I rented an xFi XB7, and let 'er rip. It was super nice to be able to take full advantage of our internet connection (as it has a 2.5G Ethernet port), but...as expected, the cursed hour rolled around, and the speeds torpedoed.

I gave it another day, but I was already growing tired of the XB7 because of how dumb the configuration utilities for it were and the UX for advanced users was just utter trash. Upon the second night of it falling on its face at the cursed hour, I put it back in the box and took it back to the store, rolling back to my "old" equipment.

(I've since upgraded routers to be able to take full advantage of my rated internet speeds. I now have an Asus GT-AX11000 Pro, and the thing is gigantic and awesome. The live traffic stats are awesome to have for troubleshooting, too.)

Anyway, up until a couple weeks ago, I kinda just sat with this, with the fact that the speeds are never going to be good during these times. But things began getting worse and that's what prompted me to both reopen dialogue with Xfinity and write about this. Because this service is not cheap, and now our connection is going down harder.

Rather than the not ideal but usable 400/10, now our connection is crashing down to 100/4. Yeah. I'm losing 90% of my downlink, now.

This is not okay, and damn it, I'm not giving up again. This has been going on long enough and I'm not sure what I need to do, but...something's gotta give.

UPDATE 3/20/23: You...you can't be serious, they're literally telling me this is not an Xfinity problem, that my modem is to blame, and I need to call Motorola to fix this as this is their problem. Did they...completely miss the part where I said I had an XB7 and the problem still persisted WITH THEIR OWN EQUIPMENT?

Holy shit. I can't even. I really can't.

UPDATE...a few minutes later: Got swapped to someone a little more understanding, but made it clear there's no way to escalate unless a tech deems it so. You know, the tech who can't be out here past 6pm, before the problem actually occurs. This is going to be a pain.

[bump1nthen1ght]

Late Night Favor (Shadow Monster x Reader)

Genre: Fluff, Urban Fantasy

Warnings: Explicit content up ahead (18+ ONLY), Oral, Fingering

Word Count: 4000 Words

Summary: A couple of small good deeds leaves you with a late night visitor, looking to repay a debt.

Request: "You unknowingly rescue a shadow monster and bring it home with you, after a couple days of lurking in the shadows of your home and recuperating it shows you just how thankful it is." I had this idea forever ago but was never able to execute it. My opening idea was that a few kids are shining flashlights at something, tormenting it, and you swoop in to save it and chase the kids away. You thought they were hurting a cat or something, but find nothing and head home.

What do you think? Would you like to take it on? I'd be honored if you would 😊

A/N: *Throws this into the street to appease for the fact I haven’t updated Out of the Woods in THREE MONTHS IM SORRY*

It was the perfect weather for a lazy day inside. The pitter patter of the rain on your window had almost lulled you back to sleep during breakfast, and the thunder had provided great ambiance for reading. You hadn’t bothered changing out of your pajamas and we’re enjoying a soap opera binge on the coach when the peace was disturbed.

At first it was just the sound of clattering trash cans, not uncommon from the alley outside your window. But then it was followed by the raucous laughter of teenagers, rocks being thrown against the concrete, and a sharp hissing.

You hoist yourself up and off the couch, meandering toward the balcony, expecting to see a bunch of kids fucking around; Maybe using the cover of the fire escape to hide from the rain and smoke some weed.

Ah, memories.

But instead, you see a huddled group of boys pointing a flashlight into the pile of garbage right by the dumpster. One of them picks up a pebble and throws it into the light beam, causing another hiss and a jerk of movement. The boys laugh even louder, the one on the right nudging the one with the flashlight.

“Dude, do it again!”

Flashlight agrees, quickly moving the light into another corner as the one on the left throws a rock in the opposite direction. A shape of pitch black hisses again, deterred by the rock and scared by the brightness. Your brow furrows.

“Hey!”

The boys jump, looking in all directions.

“What are you three doing down there?” They finally look up at you, messy-haired and bleary-eyed. They shrug and ignore you, one even throwing another rock, bigger than before. There’s a sad yelp as it collides with the blackness.

You grit your teeth, grabbing your jacket off a nearby shelf and yell again.

“Fuck off! Leave the poor thing alone!”

They all laugh insufferably, the way most stuck up teenagers do.

“Or what?”

You shrug on your raincoat, picking up the baseball bat you keep strategically placed by your couch.

“Or I’ll come down and make you, jackass!”

You kick open your  fire escape, slippers already damp, and start marching down the staircases. The boys get the message and run away, still jeering and laughing. Seems you weren’t as intimidating as you’d like.

You shuffle down the fire escape, slowing down as you approach the poor creature. You lower your back and peak under the dumpster.

“It's okay, little guy, I won’t hurt ya.” You set down your bat and crouch, kissing your lips as you hold out your free hand. All you see is a hint of glowing eyes, nervously peering out, before the dark shape disappears completely, hidden by the shadow of the dumpster. You’re tempted to sit down and wait for it, hoping to check if the poor stray was injured, but the wet concrete looks unappealing. The bottom of your sweats are already drenched.

You stand up, sigh, and go back up the fire escape. You unlatch the dusty pet door on your sliding glass balcony and make sure to leave a hot thing of milk and some water just outside. You ponder going out to get cat food, but the well-timed weather report tells you to stay off the streets. Slumping back down on the couch, you keep on eye on your fire escape, hoping that whatever it was, it’s okay.

--------------

The next day is sunny, the rain clearing away any air pollution and leaving blue skies to shine down through your window, waking you up extra early. As you sit down with a cup of coffee, switching on the news before starting work, you notice the empty bowls on your balcony.

You set down the mug, walking over to the door and checking the bowls. Seems that little stray had needed the refreshment, as both were licked clean.

You refill them, making sure to add  cat food to your grocery list.

--------------

After a long day of work, you’re feeling particularly domestic and decide to bake some cookies. Your brain is sore after staring at a screen for eight hours straight, a simple task like this is the perfect thing to keep it from melting completely.

You open up your window, letting the cool night air into your kitchen as you check  on your baking cookies. Wiping flour off your pants, you turn on the radio and throw a glance to your living room.

You had set up a tiny blanket pallet right next to your pet door, the weatherman’s warning of another thunderstorm tonight having you worried for your stray. Hopefully a full belly of milk will convince them that your house is safe enough to find shelter in.

But the afternoon is beautiful, not too cold and not too hot, only the slight tang of metal in the air hinting to rain. With a ding from the oven, you take out the cookies and set them on a cooling tray on your window. The smell of cinnamon and sugar wafts over you as you take a sip of your tea, staring out into the city streets. Small puddles still speckle the pavement, catching the headlights of nearby cars and flashy billboards.

A quick sound, something hitting your balcony door, that jerks you out of your reverie. You set down your mug and slowly peek out from your kitchen, wondering if you should’ve grabbed  a kitchen knife. But it’s just your pet door, flapping back and forth in front of two, now empty, bowls. Aww, seems your stray took a step inside. Too bad you missed it.

The gurgle of your stomach convinces you to take a crack at the cookies. If they were too hot, you could just wash them down with a nice glass of milk anyway. Maybe even put on a sitcom while you snack.

You lightly tap the top cookie; Warm, but not unbearable. Steam rises as you break it open, blowing in the middle and taking a tiny bite.

Fuck, good job _____.

They’re perfectly done, just soft enough to melt in your mouth. You grab two more, holding them in between your fingers as you hold the other half in your mouth. Maybe you could bring the batch into work tomorrow, give your coworkers a nice surprise. That is if you didn't have 10 tonight. But 20 should be just enough-

Huh, that’s weird. There's only 19, including the one still dangling out of your mouth.

You could’ve sworn you baked 20.

Well whatever. Your coworkers can handle not coming back for seconds tomorrow.

--------------

“Ow! Fuck!”

You bite your lip, trying not to yell out more curse words as you rub your stubbed toe. You limp to your kitchen, fumbling for the light switch to avoid another incident. All you had wanted was a midnight sweet snack, was that so difficult? You’d thought you could navigate your apartment pretty easily in the dark, but the pain in your foot says otherwise.

The light flickers as you finally find the switch, reminding you that you’re going to need to change the bulb sometime soon. But that's a problem for another day; Right now, it’s cookie time.

You don’t bother pouring yourself a glass or getting a plate, devouring the treat in three bites and throwing back a quick swig of milk. It’s almost midnight, not like anyone’s watching-

Oh, wait.

You slowly close the fridge door, trying to make as little noise as possible so as not to wake the little stray curled up, asleep. The little ball of black was snuggled into the pallet, tossing and turning. A flash of lightning cracks outside your apartment, washing your living room with light. The ball jerks in shock, the thunder afterwards only frightening it more, forcing it to curl up even tighter.  

You take small and light steps towards the tiny bed, not wanting to approach the scared beast too quickly. The room is lit up again by another lightning strike and the little stray forces it’s body backwards and away from the window. You crouch down real low, the small bits of light helping your eyes adjust to the layout.

“How are you doing, little guy?” You whisper, mostly to yourself, tapping your fingers against your carpet. Part of you wants to pet it, but think it might be better not to. No need to startle it. “Is the lightning scary? You can come to my room if you want, I’ll protect ya.”

Midst the black, you see two little eyes, little blips of light that open with another flash of lightning. But they aren’t yellow, nor are they slitted, nor are they anything remotely animal.

They're like the headlights of a car, blinding white with no definition at all. Not even pupils. You're startled, eye’s widening as the creature lifts it’s head. A long smile runs across their face, full of razor sharp teeth.

“Oh my, that sounds delightful.” They purr, and you find yourself losing your footing and falling back on your ass. Your fingers dig into the carpet as their body slowly begins to unfurl out of a ball and stretch into a massive form, as if their whole size had been hidden away somewhere else; Like it had been literally in the shadows.

You scramble backwards, breath picking up as the creature stretches it’s long limbs, colorless eyes still locked onto you as it stands up and up. It rolls back its shoulders as it sits on its haunches, its form still towering over you even when crouched. You notice the shades of huge antlers sticking out from the side of their head, only adding to their intimidating height.

The creature still has that terrifying smile, all canines and no molars, it’s unblinking eyes still staring deep into your soul.

You’ve heard people do weird things in times of high stress, of strong emotions, good and bad. Like the wires in your brains get crossed when trying to find the right response.

“Uh, do you want a cookie?”

You think you get that now.

The creature chuckles, a soft timbre that echoes unnaturally.

“No, dearie, I have already indulged in your confections. You see,” They creature leans forward, falling to its knees to crawl towards you. If it weren’t for the overwhelming fear constricting your heart, you’d almost think it was seductive, “You’ve done so much for me these past days, I think it’d be only fair if I helped you indulge in a far-” The creature’s face looms over yours, their arms caging your sides as they lick their lips, “-sweeter treat, yes?”

Your eyes search their face, trying to find signs of trickery or malice, maybe even some demonic sense of humor.

As if I’d even know what that looks like.

“Are you-” You catch a breath, now noticing the fine musculature of their shoulders, and the definition of their arms, “Are you propositioning me, like, for sex?”

The creature laughs again, their eyes crinkling up as they throw their head back. But when they look back down at you, you can almost feel the lust radiating off their gaze, details be damned.

“Yes, lovely, I am.”

You take your eyes off their face, a little too overwhelmed to stare directly into their blistering expression. Not to mention the blinding light which has begun to put red spots into your vision.

Instead, your eyes fall upon their thick thighs, the small tail waving behind them, and how unnervingly sexy you find the way their claws are digging up your rug.

You slowly move your head, catching the creature’s eyes.

“I-uh-I guess? Yeah, yeah I guess that sounds good. Um, what was your name?”

The creature smirks, a single claw tipped finger tilting up your chin, as they whisper,

“Nocter.”

--------------

Well, this is definitely the weirdest way I’ve gotten someone into bed.

Nocter’s antlers brush against your stucco-ceiling as it pushes you down on the bed, their shining white eyes staring deep into yours. Their lack of pupils is almost unsettling, but when they run their claws down your chest and pinch your nipples, you find it hard to care. You bite your lip, fighting back an embarrassing whimper as they trace one finger around the bud, pebbling the skin.

“Aww, has it been a while, sweetling?” You roll your eyes, but let out another squeak as they flick their thumb across your other nipple, the palm of their hand pressing against your ribcage.

“M-maybe.” You mutter, digging your finger into your bed sheets as their hands dance across your skin. One pulls up the bottom of your pajama shirt as it nudges one of their legs in between your thighs, pushing their knee up against your crotch.

“Don’t worry,” They push the fabric up to your neck, laying a kiss on the center of your stomach, then your chest, and then your jugular. When they plant one on your jaw, they lean in real close, “I’ll make sure to treat you right.”

Nocter’s long tongue splays against your jaw, licking a stripe up your cheek as one of their hands moves from your chest to the waistband of your shorts. They slip a couple fingers underneath, lightly petting the area right above your crotch. They’re such a tease, and you love it.

Nocter pecks the side of your face, over and over, while their hand moves further and further down your body at an agonizing pace. Their hot breath sends goosebumps down your neck, washing over your face as they exhale with every kiss. You catch them off guard when you turn your head toward them, catching their lips-mid peck and eagerly sticking your tongue outward. They purr with delight, their thin almost-lips quickly devouring you.

A long string of saliva connects the two of you as you detach, taking the time to shimmy out of your shirt. You pull them closer, your hands digging into their shoulder muscles and fingers just brushing over the long ridges on their back. They chuckle once again, pulling their fingers out your shorts and merely digging their palm into the fabric of your crotch.

“Eager, huh?”

“Shut up,” You mumble in between kisses, “This is for me, isn’t it?”

“Ohoho,” kiss, “Someone’s showing their feisty side a little early.” kiss, “What happened to my benevolent, saintly saviour?” kiss.

You pull away from their lips, quickly latching onto the crux of their neck and taking a nip. “S’not fair.” You say, taking a deep whiff of their skin as you suck and bite. They smell like brimstone and a bonfire, not quite what you 're expecting, but not unpleasant. “You can’t tease me like that and not-” Your cut off as the pad of one Nocters fingers presses up against your entrance, the fabric only amplifying the sensation as they begin to tease it.

“Deliver?” Nocter finishes, sinfully smug. You throw them a glare. “I’m a good guest, scout’s honor.”

You roll your eyes right before they lock you into another kiss, rubbing the pads of their fingers up and down your crotch. They use their hand to push you backwards, sinking deeper into the mattress as they situate their knees under your thighs. One they pull back from the kiss, your face and lips thoroughly debauched, your legs are splayed up on their pelvis and they easily slip off your bottoms. Nocter takes a whiff of your underwear, the crotch now slightly damp, giving you a wink before they throw it over their shoulder.

You jerk your hips slightly upward, and Nocter tuts.

“Patience, sweetling.” They roll a hand down your abdomen, fingers splaying onto your stomach, nails just teasing the skin. With a kiss to your inside calf, Nocters hand ghosts across your entrance. You can’t help biting your lip, the heat and their touch sending your mind into a frenzy.

They continue a path of kisses down your leg, now pressing their finger right up against your hole. They only pause to suck on their index and middle fingers, coating them with a heavy and blue-tinted saliva. Once they’ve reached the middle of your thigh, nipping at the apex, they sink into you.

Nocter’s fingers are long, articulated and move with sure movements. They start off slow, scissoring you open, simpering as you dig your nails into your bed sheets. The pads of their fingers push against your walls, just grazing sensitive spots as they make a slow ‘come hither’ motion. Your hips jerk forward, humping into their palm. They smirk against your skin, nipping another love bite as they retract their fingers until only the tip remains. You catch your breath, holding it until they sink back into you, shoving their fingers forward with far more force.

You whimper as their fingers pull back, only to follow with quicker thrusts. Nocter’s aim is pin-point in finding the most pleasurable spots inside you, the feeling only amplified by the pinpricks of their teeth into the fat of your thigh. The tip of their tongue licks hot trails of spit tantalizingly close to your hole, which clenches around their bony fingers. The slick sound of your juices, the skin of their palm slapping against yours, is downright pornographic.

Your legs try to clamp around their shoulders, the overwhelming stimuli triggering an instant reaction, but Nocter pins your right leg down to your bed easily, never losing focus on fingering you. The tips of their claws trace the inside of your leg, the hard edge of their wrist digging into fat.  Your fingers reach to grip around something, anything to keep you grounded as the knot in your stomach grows tighter and tighter. They find their way around Nocter’s left wrist; You’re almost afraid you’ll leave bruises, before remembering how sturdy every part of their body seems to be.

You let out a whimper as the crests of an orgasm seem to overwhelm you, nearly gasping as Nocter quickly removes their fingers. In any other state of mind you might have made a comment, look down and wonder why they’ve stopped. But the heat in your belly compels you to grip their wrist tight and to throw your hips upwards. With a desperate breath, you plead,

“P-please! Please, don’t stop.”

Nocter doesn’t chuckle, doesn’t make a sly remark about your neediness or your lewd movements. They lean forward, giving another kiss right below your navel, and pet your wrist.

“Of course, dearie.”

With a wink, they lean down a lick a long stripe up your hole, giving one last kiss to your leg before plunging their tongue inside.

You didn’t think it was possible for them to reach even deeper inside you with their tongue than their fingers, but the sparks which fly in your core say otherwise. The ridges of Nocters tongue brush against your walls as they flick the appendage back and forth, the tip pressing forward with controlled motions. It doesn’t thrash back and forward haphazardly, but reaches for those sensitive spots and plays with them.

“Oh, f-fuck!” You yelp, feeling an icy-cold liquid run down your ass. From the sound of smacking lips and muffled moans, it must be Nocter’s saliva. They let out a groan, pushing their jaw forward as their eyes clenched shut. The hand on your leg pinches skin as it tightens up, the other pressing your hips down, but the pressure they apply is phantom at best. Nocter seems to revel in your pleading humps for more, meeting each movement with a thrust of their jaw, the base of their tongue stretching you open.

The two of you keep that rhythm for what feels like an eternity, but is probably only a couple of minutes. Sweat drips down your chest and off of your belly, your legs muscles on fire as you continue to push upward and into Nocter’s face. You start feeling that impending wave begin to crest again, with your limbs shaking and your throat hoarse.

“Nocter, I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna-I’m so close!”

This time, Nocter doesn’t let up on their pace, reaching one hand down to deliver a hard slap on your ass and forcing a yelp out of you. Your speech devolves into slurred curses and your hands move to touch them, to find some grasp in reality. Nocter continues to suck and tongue-fuck your hole as your thighs clench around their head. Your humps are tiny and weak, your lower half barely holding itself up.

The knot gets tighter, a firecracker fuse about to blow in your abdomen. In the heat of the moment, your hands find their way to Nocter’s scalp and grab onto the base of their antlers. Their moan rumbles through you, right before you yank their head forward, their tongue hitting the deepest part of you as you shutter and-

“I’m cumming!”

Another moan vibrates against your hole as your body shudders and jolts, your hips still pressed firmly against Nocter’s face. But in the next moment, a heavy weight falls over your body, slumping you down onto the bed. Your chest heaves, eye’s fuzzy as Nocter’s tongue ‘pop’s out of you.

Your gaze wanders over your stucco ceiling, droplets of sweat rolling down your neck as you try and catch your breath. You can feel Nocter’s large hands rolling a massage into your thighs, their own heavy breathing brushing over your crotch.

A fuzzy shape of pure black comes into your vision as Nocter hovers over you, their body hovering just an inch above yours. They give you a small peck on the cheek.

“Feel good?” They whisper.

All you can do is nod, your shaky hands wandering over their back. There’s no sign of sweat on their skin, but you can feel the heat running off of it as they nuzzle into your neck.

As your fingers dance over the ride of their back, you can hear the rumble of a low purr coming from their chest, but they stay hovering over your body. You press your hands into their back, applying weak pressure to encourage them to relax.

“It seems I’ve repaid my debt.” Nocter murmurs into your ear, pushing themselves up onto their hands, pulling even farther from you as their eye’s look around your room. You keep your hands wrapped around their waist, stopping them from fully getting up. They look back to you, white eyes slightly widening.

“Would you-” You take another deep breath, “Want to stay? For the night?”

Nocter stares at you, the black void of their face almost unreadable. But when they run a claw down the side of your face, it burns with affection and longing.

“Would you want that?”

Your room is nearly pitch black, only the lights of the street peeking in between your curtains. Nocter’s body seems to absorb all light near it, their hot body like a heating pad. But their eyes are so bright, so full, so mesmerizing; Like a full moon on the dark city sky.

“Yes, I would.”

Nocter’s nods, their expression barely changing, but you think you can see a hint of a smile amidst all the black. They let their body relax, pressing their chest against yours as they sink into the sheets and nuzzle back into your neck.

You can smell the sweat coating your body and feel the way you stick to the sheets. Frankly, the both of you kind of smell.

But it doesn’t stop you from snuggling into Nocter’s body, eye’s heavy as you peacefully fall into sleep.

[overwatchfics]

can we get some "character returns from a long mission" headcanons and just get some nice reuniting fluff? I'm honestly down to see anyone with this prompt so write for whoever you want! (if you want/need a specific character(s), maybe the shimadas? but i'm being serious when i say i will read no matter who it is lmao)

Character Returns From long Mission (Kiriko & Widowmaker)

A/N: I'm going to make another one of these with Reinhardt, I'm not remotely attracted to him in anyway, but I swear he gives good hugs. I chose Kiriko and Widow bc they are my fixation rn.

Kiriko

It had been a couple of weeks since Kiriko had left with her group to take out a Hashimoto armory, she had said the mission would only have taken a week. It had been three weeks.

You were just sitting on the couch getting ready to sleep, as you had been sleeping there for the last 2 weeks waiting for her to come home. The bedroom has been left un-touched simply because you could not bear to sleep in there with you.

The doorbell rang throughout your silent apartment, and you swore if it was Genji checking in on you for the 100th time you were going to lose it.

You look through the peephole of the door, but there was no one on the other side.

Maybe a package?

You opened the door and noticed that a box of a dozen doughnuts lay at your feet, a sticky note of a hastily drawn heart on the front.

Turning around, you notice a paper trail of familiar ofudas trailing into the hallway.

Setting the donuts down on the counter, you feel your legs carry you before your mind processes what your body is doing.

Following the paper trail, you open the door and step in, but no one is there.

The bed is littered with rose petals and a couple candles are lit around the room

Warm breath ghosts its way past your ear and a familiar voice is carried upon it.

Hey there miss me?

In seconds, you turn around and throw your arms around no other than Kiriko

You're definitely sobbing and if you're crying, she's crying too.

She becomes your anchor as she holds you tightly to her, one hand rubbing your back and the other carding through your hair

You pull back and start to sputter, but it's hard through the tears

Kiriko pulls you back into her arms Shhhh baby, I'm here now, I'm here. I missed you too, those long nights out were too cold without you by my side

The two of you sway side to side lightly, and the candles continue to illuminate the room

Kiriko pulls her head back a little and silently kisses the tears away and wipes the streaks of them left on your face

She cradles your face gently in her hands and brings you in, lips meeting in a gentle kiss.

The way she kisses you, is delicate, like you were going to break under any pressure.

Her breaths get heavy, and the kisses become more fervent, her arms go to your waist as she leans over you further, dipping you onto the bed.

Your first night back together would be an unforgettable one

Widowmaker

You knew Amelie was going on her longest mission yet, you knew Talon missions also got delayed even further. She's been gone from her chateau for close to three months

Sombra was the only one sneaking you any sort of updates that she was alive, but nothing more. You appreciated the gesture, but it was never truly enough

Now you wait on the railing of the balcony looking out at the moon and the stars as they were your only company that you knew of.

You have an odd feeling of being watched, your gaze flickers to various parts of the chataeu, and you come up with nothing, instead you opt to make some hot to tea before going out on the cold balcony again.

Once finished, you make your way back outside, and sigh wistfully into your mug of tea.

The feeling of being watched still doesn't leave you, but at this point you're led to believe it's paranoia.

That is until you feel hit breath by your ear

Bonjour chéri~

You jump and run to see your lover, the Widowmaker with her visor fully activated, upside down on her grappling hook, a hand over her mouth in a poor effort to stiffle her laugh.

Forgive me, I simply could not resist, allow me to make it better

Amélie turns off her visor and it sheathed back in place revealing her glowing yellow eyes (She has glowing eyes and you can't stop me)

Still upside down, she snakes a hand to the back of your neck and pulls you in for a kiss. You feel the stain if her lipstick against your mouth and it's a welcome feeling.

Amélie pulls away, rotates herself to where her feet touch the ground, and she offers you hand

Come with me I have something to you chéri. Be sure to hold on tight.

You blink at her and she just gestures her eyes towards her hand

You press into her side allowing her to pull you close, she grapples onto the rooftop, and guides you to a flat spot to where she has a spot set up with a blanket, a vase with a singular rose placed in it, a picnic basket, some candles, and a bottle of wine.

A light gasp manages to squeeze its way past your lips, you can tell she's put a lot of work into setting this up.

Then you notice the view of the moon and its ethereal reflection in the waters surrounding the chateau.

Amélie watches as you take it all in and she approaches silently and wraps her arms around you from behind, her chin atop your crown in a gesture of affection.

She feels your body begins to shake, and for moment Amélie begins to worry she messed up, that is until she feels a couple drops hit her arm and sniffles are to be heard. You started to talk about how you've missed her and how the bed has grown cold in her absence.

Amélie is quick to turn you in her arms, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe your tears with and proceeds to pepper your face lightly with kisses. She reassures you, she'll be home for a long while.

She dips you lightly, and let's her mouth lock with yours in passionate kiss thay has you helplessly leaning back into the arm that's supporting you.

Amélie pulls back slightly, pulling you to your feet and placing her hand on the small of your back, guiding you to the romantic set-up

Come on chéri, the wine will not drink itself.

A/N: <3333 I love My aim reliant girls

[purecantarella]

Revamped Rhapsody

double update? who is she? HAHAHA but for real i wanted to release these two at the same time to sort of compensate for being gone for a week. i hope you all enjoy this one too! im nayeon x idol!reader disclaimer/s : i had fun writing some good good angst

Words were important to you, it was a part of your passion and your work. Language was something that you'd adored since you were younger but the premise that you always found it a little odd how words could be twisted to mean or imply different things, just on tone and situation alone.

You wouldn't know or understand it was when you were permitted to write your own songs in your company. The blend of different meanings and people made you find a deeper understanding for the words and lyrics of songs. Then when you met Im Nayeon, the only person who could fill your mind and heart with a rhythm that followed the way you fell in love with her.

It began when you met after you entered the practice room she reserved by mistake.

You tapped away at your phone, your bag hanging lazily over your shoulder as you pushed in the door of the practice room. A familiar song that wasn't yours blasted through the speakers. Your head slowly raised as you saw the eldest member of TWICE staring intently at herself as she danced. You'd watched live performances and met once or twice backstage very briefly, but it was a different sensation to see her in her zone. No cameras and no expectations.

'She has a good form...' You thought to yourself, in an awestruck daze. Just as you were about to retreat to find the right room, a sharp thud and a small squeal sliced right past the blaring music from the speakers. You hastily turned around to see the vocalist on the floor, holding her leg.

"Oh gosh, are you okay?" You asked dropping your bag and sliding to her side. When she got over the initial shock, she recognized you. Her celebrity crush. The vocalist blushed and nodded quickly. The sparkle in her eyes as she gave you her iconic bunny smile made your stomach turn in the best way. "Y-Yeah, I'm good!"

A smile graced your lips as you saw the usually confident extrovert awkwardly fidget with her fingers. "You wanna get up or is this whole floor thing a part of your routine?" You joked to which she laughed, shoving your shoulder gently.

"Oh gee thanks, jerk!" You chuckled before getting up and offering your hand to the shorter woman. Once she took it, you pulled her up slowly, making sure she wouldn't tumble over. "Is your leg okay?" Nayeon nodded quickly.

For a second, there's a silence and a pause. You two just staring at each other like you had for years. Like you knew each other in a much deeper way than just idols who shared the same company. There's a point where she thinks that you might just lean in but nothing comes of the inkling.

"Uh, well I should go. Leave you to it..." You rushed as you took your bag from the ground. Turning to face Nayeon then the door then back to Nayeon. "Uh, I'll see you around?" You asked, readjusting the strap on your shoulder.

"I'll be counting on it." You grinned as you left, the lead vocalist running through your head the entire time you were practicing for your latest comeback.

Brushing past each other in the hallway of the company building became more frequent, on some occasion you both even ate lunch together rather than with her group and your managers or other friends. You both became a little more than smitten with each other and wound up dating a couple months after you first met.

Im Nayeon became your inspiration for working hard, to build to become the person you know she deserves. Of course, she thinks you're pretty great. She was your muse, she just hadn't put all the pieces together yet.

When your latest song dropped, of course she listened to it immediately. Then as she listened to the lyrics that you wrote, the way you described the perfect girl for you, how you began to fall in love with this girl, it clicked in her head. Nayeon rushed out of the TWICE's practice room, making the girls look at her with either a smirk or a look of genuine concern.

She sprinted across the building to reach you in your practice room. As the door flung open, your body shifted to the side, immediately smiling as you saw your girlfriend. "Nayeonie, hey what's u—" She pressed her lips to yours, cutting you off in a passionate meeting much to the dismay of your managers who sat behind you both.

Jumping into your arms, you placed your hands under her thighs as you pulled away. The dopey yet confused smile on your face made her giggle again as she placed a series of kisses over your face.

"You wrote a song for me..." You smiled even wider and placed a kiss on her cheek. "Of course I did, Nayeonie..." You paused for a second before adding, "I love you."

The smile on her face mirrored your wide and bright one as she kissed you again. Deeper and overflowing with an intense amount of love. "I love you too, dummy..." She whispered against your lips.

Despite how much you loved each other though, two years into the relationship both of you became extremely busy. Busier than you'd ever been since you were breaking into the international market and as was TWICE. Coming home to each other tired and grouchy. You'd tried to push it further but with one last fight after a long day of taking orders, you called it quits and left her dorm.

Your break-up was the toughest time for both of you, since you'd never gone public, you both had to maintain the happy facade for both your fans. It was particularly rough on you since a lot of the songs you'd been set to sing all the time were about and for her.

She anticipated every one of your songs since it was the only way she could hear your voice. Hearing how you forced yourself to be bouncy and in love with someone. At least she hoped you were forcing yourself.

On the day of your Sponsored Events, the day your latest song was to be performed during the event. The vocalist watched and saw the visible tiredness under your eyes but you still performed your heart out. Then a familiar melody played. One that Nayeon listened to all the time.

It was the first song you wrote about her. Except the lyrics were different. They were sadder, depicting your break-up rather than how you were beginning to fall in love with her. The lively guitar sound of the original was traded in for a softer and more delicate piano instrumental. As she looked at your face and heard the words that fell from your lips, it all came back to her in a wave, making her heart shatter all over again.

The rest of the girls came in after a while to check in on her and opted to stay with her to offer her some sort of comfort.

Nayeon watched your face intently, the ‘idol’ smile that was plastered onto your lips. You didn’t want to be there. She knew that. The interviewer went through a series of questions about your career and finally about the song. Your song for her, both versions. The smile on your face grew tighter, uncomfortably so.

“So two years ago, you released a song that you revamped and performed for us.” The interviewer asked you and you nodded, a dry chuckle falling from your lips. “And you said before that that song was written for a very special girl. What’s the story behind that one?” He pried making your jaw evidently clench. The girls sitting next to Nayeon eyed her carefully as she stared at your tense form. Silently anticipating what you were going to say.

For a moment, you collect yourself. The sadness swirling in your chest again from rewriting the song that you wrote for her. Having to channel all those emotions without crying on national television. You took a deep breath, releasing it with a pathetically winded laugh. “Short of it is that sometimes you need to let go of things to keep them whole. Uh…” You cleared your throat softly. The smile on your face fell a little, a sad and wistful grin left in its place. “Some things just need to happen to make way for better things, I guess.” You finished, the interviewer stunned.

A silence hung over the live feed for a moment. Nayeon and the rest of TWICE waited patiently to see what would happen next. The man leaned forward, propping his elbow onto his knee as he looked at you and asked, “If you could change the circumstances, Y/n…Would you choose to stay with her?” A somber smile on his face as your head upturned a little, eyes red and watery. Without a second thought, you nodded slowly.

Nayeon’s held tears trickled slowly down her cheeks as she held back a soft sob. “If I could…” You took a deep breath, lifting your hand to fan the tears out of your eyes, laughing softly at yourself before continuing. “I would leave everything behind to be with her.” The vocalist’s members had their arms around Nayeon as you spoke. She had pretty much bawled her eyes out as the unspoken confessions left your mouth.

“But I could never do that to her, not after all her sacrifices. I can’t.” Your voice finally cracked as the feed finally cut. The room echoed the eldest’s soft sobs while you did the same on the other side of the city.

okay, so this one was a little wobbly because i was not sober when i wrote this. had a bottle of soju and i'm feeling good HAAHAHH anyway, i hope you all enjoyed this and remember that requests are open and comments and criticism is completely welcomed! keep safe everyone and i will see you all very soon 😊😁

[ad1thi]

this is me trying

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

i know its a bit late but hopefully you guys enjoy this update!

Dr. Cho is a petite Asian woman with a calm demeanour. Her glasses sit on the bridge of her nose, and she’s dressed in muted tones that match the rest of her office, in what Steve thinks is a conscious effort to make her clients feel comfortable. If the way he’s gripping the armrest hard enough to turn the tips of his knuckles white, and the stiff way Tony is perched on the other side of the couch, putting miles between them is any indication - it’s not working.

“I make it a point to ask all my clients this in my first session.” She doesn’t have a notepad on her lap, like all the movies led Steve to believe, but he still feels like she’s about to split him open for her amusement. “And you two are no different. What are you looking to get out of these sessions?”

“To fix our marriage,” Steve blurts out, at the same time Tony says, “Nothing,” in a toneless voice. Steve can’t help it, he turns to Tony with a betrayed expression, and then back at Dr. Cho as if to say, see what I’m dealing with here?

Dr. Cho’s face isn’t forthcoming, but she does shift slightly to focus on Tony. It’s to be expected, since Tony’s response is so radically different from Steve’s, but for one moment, Steve feels curdling anger at the fact that Tony is being given the opportunity to explain himself before Steve does.

“What do you mean by nothing?” Dr. Cho asks in the same unassuming tone that she used before, the one that made it feel like she was genuinely curious and not like she was being paid for her time. “Surely there must be something you need from these sessions.”

“Divorce papers,” Tony replies, voice not cracking in the slightest, “I want my husb - Steve to sign divorce papers, and the stipulation upon which he’s agreed to sign them is if I attend counselling. You heard him, he wants to fix our marriage.”

“And you don’t believe that’s possible? As I understand it, you were the one who chose me to be your therapist.”

Tony mulls over the question for a couple of seconds, brows furrowing in the way they do when he wants to say something but is trying to find a way to not offend the person he’s going to say it to. Steve’s seen it multiple times, and it’s always prompted a desire to reach over and press a kiss to smooth out the wrinkles. He’s never had to resist the urge before.

“No offence Doc,” Tony says finally, “but I didn’t choose you. Pep did, and I’ve found my life is much easier when I just listen to her.” He pauses, hands reaching out in an aborted motion, like he’s trying to grab his thought before it escapes. Steve isn’t expecting the wave of nostalgia he feels when he sees the movement, and if that isn’t indicative of how absent he’s been as a husband, what is?

Dr. Cho inclines her head, gesturing that the words have just flown past her, and Tony relaxes imperceptibly as if that was something he was truly worried about.

“You said that you want nothing from this,” Dr. Cho prompts Tony to continue, “and yet here you are.”

“Nothing might be an over-exaggeration,” Tony admits, and for a fleeting moment, Steve looks up hopefully, only for Tony to say, “Like I said, I want Steve to sign divorce papers and I’ve been reliably informed that I need to sit here twice a week for the next six months to get that, so,” he gestures, “here I am.”

Dr. Cho hums, and then turns to face Steve. “Steve, you said you wanted to fix your marriage. What did you mean by that?”

Steve turns to Tony, even though Tony is resolutely staring ahead at Dr. Cho. “If that’s what you want, for me to sign divorce papers, then I’ll do it. I’ll do it right after this if that’s really what you want. The point of this isn’t to trap you, or make you do something that you don’t want to do.”

“I’ve found that during the initial sessions, it benefits my clients to talk to me rather than each other,” Dr. Cho interrupts gently, and Steve reluctantly turns to face her, “Emotions can run high during the early days, and it will serve you better in the long-term to not address them to each other.”

Steve nods, feeling oddly like a chastened child, and Dr. Cho smiles warmly at him. “So if you were willing to sign the papers, why is Tony under the impression that you insisted on therapy?”

“Because I did, or rather, Natasha - that’s my lawyer and my friend - she did,” Steve explains. He tries his level best to ignore Tony’s muttered of course she did, and continues, “I didn’t know that Tony wanted a divorce, or why. I still don’t. I’ve been doing some thinking, turning every part of our relationship over in my head a thousand times over, and I can see now that I haven’t been the best husband, and that I’ve made some mistakes. But I came home after getting a promotion, wanting to celebrate with my husband, and found divorce papers on our dining table. I just want to know where I went wrong, and if there’s any chance to make up for it.”

“Marriage involves two people,” Dr. Cho notes, eyes flickering between Steve and Tony, “They involve two people to work, and two people to break, too. That being said, it’s important that neither of you see this, meeting with me, as a sign that your marriage is broken. My job is to help you get what you need out of your relationship, whether that’s reconciliation or divorce. You’d be surprised how many couples I see who love each other, but crumble under these preconceived notions of what a marriage should be. They lose themselves and what made them tick along the way. But this is only going to work if both of you are willing to put in the effort.”

“If not,” Dr. Cho licks her lips delicately, “then Tony, I think you should take Steve up on his offer to sign those papers after this session. Are you willing to put in the work? Both of you?”

“Yes,” Steve says instantly, “Anything. If at the end of this, Tony still wants a divorce then I’ll—” his voice cracks, but he pushes through, “then at least I know we tried.”

Tony is slower, body held taut by some invisible force, but eventually says, “I gave him six years. What’s another six months?”

Dr. Cho smiles, not betraying whether she is surprised by their responses at all, “Then, shall we get started?”

read the rest on ao3!!