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otterskin · 3 years

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I didn't like the LOKI show, no matter how hard I try, and it's messing with me.

My mother died at the end of December. A lot of other bad things happened as well, like the severe brain injury of my father.

I didn't cry. There was so much to do. I did it. And even then, when there was nothing left to do, I didn't cry.

I found distractions.

Today I went to see the Green Knight after a tough week at a new job that had me leave my father in another province even though he still needs help. I was trying to get back to the life I'd dropped.

I loved the Green Knight. The Arthurian Legends are as dear to me as Norse Mythology, and my copy of them had the Green Knight on the cover. The film was truly excellent, evoking the feel of the story whole still doing something unique and very A24. I cried at one point, like I did when watching the first THOR, because of how much it meant to see something I'd loved since the very first years of my existence finally make it to the big screen and be...right. It's own thing, it's own artistic product, but right.

Then I opened a tab in a browser and saw I had some messages on a website I comment on. It was just some minor criticism of the LOKI show I'd posted beneath an article and how it handled certain things.

I was downvoted. Berated. Hated. Lumped in the ad hominem twitter users who attacked the director and writer (I'd never, ever!) Told I was biphobic because I wanted to see more of a queer lens (I even addressed how difficult it is for bi people in queer cinema and society in general in my criticisms of the romance, but even that wasn't good enough - just disliking it was 'bad'.) I was told I just wanted my 'fanfic' made (I never made any laundrylist of plot points I demanded). I was accused of being a begrudged shipper (ha! If anything I'm an anti-shipper). I was told that I should love the show, it was awesome, and I was bad for not thinking so.

And I started to cry.

I don't cry. Only at movies. Not at real life. I didn't cry at my grandparents's funerals, I didn't cry when I was left with the body of my mother in the hospital room and my brother cried on my shoulder. I didn't cry when working through my dad's severe new disabilities as I realized how much he had lost. I didn't cry while realizing how messy my parents' finances were. I didn't cry when my mother's friends called me in the middle of the night and cried into the phone. I didn't cry when saying goodbye to my dog and going back to a rundown apartment with a terrible smell so I could go to work in a dark room for hours at a time.

But now I'm crying and writing this.

I've realized why. During everything, I looked forward to the LOKI show. The first THOR is deeply nostalgic to me and I watched it often in my first year of Uni when I was away from home. It tied in thematically to what I was going for. Thor 2 came out before I went on exchange, and while I disliked it overall, talking about it was a welcome distraction from my anxieties. Thor 3 was nerve-wracking, but it also came out during my first major job which I was struggling with, and I saw it so many times in theatres...it was such a huge comfort.

Looking forward to LOKI wasn't just a distraction. It was like a promise. A promise that I'd make it till then and see it and maybe it'd give me some comfort.

That's on me. That's a personal thing. It's an unreasonable expectation.

But I needed it, all the same.

Then it came out.

I tried. I really tried to like it, to forgive it, but the problems are things I've criticized for too long in so many other things. I always try to be respectful about, I never go ad hominem and attack the creators, only critique their work and I always mentioned what I liked but...

I didn't like it.

I have no urge to rewatch it.

And the Green Knight...the Green Knight was everything I wanted and needed it to be. It didn't let me down, though I've been anticipating it about as long as the LOKI show. They're very different, obviously, but in my heart they share the same compartment.

And after a very trying day...I realized how badly I needed to rewatch a Loki show I liked. But I can't even enjoy THOR or Thor:Ragnarok anymore. It's like everything I did like has been poisoned.

This thing that got me through immense pain is causing me pain. I don't want to be toxic. I'm sure it's in me. I try so hard not to wallow in disappointment, but to not even be allowed to talk about my problems without being lumped in with abusive online monsters...

I can't do it. I just can't.

This is supposed to be an escape, not another trial.

I needed the LOKI show to be good, so I could come out of the dark into the light, or at least walk through the night with a lantern ahead of me. And instead it was just more darkness, and it's not even entirely its own fault. It's the online discourse. It's the uncalled for harassment of Herron and Waldron. It's the taunting jabs at people who didn't have a good time as if we're all jerks. It's having people roll their eyes when you point out things that made you uncomfortable in the story, it's feeling slightly gaslit when you find something gross that the story intended to be gross and then being told it's not gross, actually.

I'm sorry. I don't want to cause pain. I just...

I needed it to be good. And unlike Thor 3, which delivered me respite in a dark time...it let me down. Worse, it's hurt me.

I said I don't cry, only at the movies. Something about them lets me cry in a way nothing else does. I can't cry at a funeral, but I can cry in a movie theatre at the drop of a hat. It's a release valve, a way for me to process things.

I think I was waiting for LOKI to give me permission to cry. To give me something that could release this pain in me. And instead, it just gave me more.

I never should have given it that power. I didn't want to. But I had to, to get through this.

I'm putting away the few THOR pieces of tat I have. I feel foolish. I always knew it was a capitalist piece of art, chucked from creator to creator with no creative shepherd, which in itself was stressful.

The fandom is no sanctuary for me either, since I'm primarily interested in the family dynamics and I'm sick of 'Odin is an ABUSIVE MONSTER' stories or even unrelated fics and posts just dropping in hate for him that's not at all canon but seems to be very popular to the point where people think it is. Especially since I often read these stories when I need to think of home and my father. Or, most pleasantly of all, when I get called an abuser or abuser-enabler because I say I like Odin as a character. I also can't really bear to deal with anything to do with Sylvie, whom I had high hopes for as someone who wants more female tricksters, but instead I got this...this Mary Sue that's very hard to criticize without being yelled at. I swear I'm coming at her writing as a feminist and I don't hate anyone, I don't, I just...sigh. She's just personally frustrating to me and not being able to discuss it without being called names sucks.

Not to mention I'm asexual, and I always struggle with romance in media being pushed as the 'ultimate relationship more important than any other'. Part of the reason I liked THOR so much was that romance was not the main feature of THOR and definitely not THOR 3 (while my disliked Dark World was all about it, and so is LOKI). And when I criticize the romance, I get called a prude (guilty, I guess), a troll, or, my favourite, just 'a hater'.

I don't want to hate. Who wants that poison in their veins? I'm here because the Thor series HELPED me because I LOVED it. And now I look at the things I used to love and I...don't, anymore.

So much is asked of me right now. I can't willingly invite this painful thing to sit on my chest as well, especially since the world is already shoving it into my face without my doing anything, in ads, in news, in everything.

I suppose that's why I've leaned even more into Odin lately. He was untouched by the LOKI series (though not the Simpson special, which worries me). He's a trickster, he's queer, he's nuanced, he's 'misunderstood' (that old cliche, but he's misunderstood and misrepresented by the people always yelling about how this or that character is misunderstood, which amuses me, except when it gets to me), and he's in many ways free to make my own.

I still have some stuff I'm going to publish that's practically finished. Finnesang has a lot more written for it but needs some major sit-down time for re-writes and edits. Lokabrenna is practically done, just needs tweaks and Beta. I'll be here a little longer.

But I think I'm going to have to step back for now and put my passions into other things.

I will be back. After all, after Thor 2 came Thor 3. Maybe Love and Thunder will right the ship and Thor can still be awesome, and maybe eventually a creative I love will come to work on the franchise. Really, that's the key for me - I loved Branagh before THOR, and loved Waititi before Thor, and disliked Waldron's work (though I gave him every benefit of the doubt and hoped and prayed to be wrong - sadly, it was what I expected.)

But...if LOKI season 2 is more of this, more romantic tropes I hate and Loki being an afterthought in his own show and his family being devalued for new characters...I can't do it. I can't watch something I used to love just throw that all away for something I dislike.

My tears are finally drying. I wrote a lot of this while the screen was blurry, so I hope there's no grammar or typo too embarrasing. I'm not sure I have the strength to re-read it. Sorry for the rant. It helped me feel better.

Thank you all. I hope I feel differently someday.

#loki show #loki 2021 #meta #loki thoughts #personal #update

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athenasbloodyspear · 4 years

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Say Something to Stop Me: Chapter 3

Writing Master List | Say Something to Stop Me Master List

Please note: This fic describes depression, anxiety, panic attacks, past/referenced non con and domestic violence. Please read at your own discretion.

The next month at the compound passed much better than the last. You started training with everyone in the gym again and actually paid attention to your exercise routine.

Bucky had come to find you one morning in your room, a few days after the Peter incident, and had reiterated to you that he didn’t want to push you to talk about anything, but that he was there for you if you needed him. You had thanked him, blushing all the way up to your hairline when you thought about how you had clung to him and sobbed into his chest. He had just tucked his fingers under your chin to make you look at him. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m glad I could be there for you when you needed me.” You didn’t have any words, so you had just nodded. Then you’d both gone down to the gym for a long morning of training. The place on your chin where his fingers had gently held had tingled all morning.

Tony sent you out on a couple of really easy missions to scope out a few buildings. It was just you wandering the busy streets of a few towns in Russia. Even though it was devastatingly cold, it felt good to be out and working again. Your head felt clear, you had a purpose and something to focus on.

The two appointments you had with the therapist so far seemed… fine. The first was very formal and slightly uncomfortable. You were a person who had to keep their cards close to their chest their whole life, and spent a good portion of time only telling the smallest amount of the truth you could get away with. You were constantly juggling secrets, so spending an hour just talking about yourself was not something that came naturally.

The second appointment was a little better. You didn’t know if you’d ever feel comfortable actually talking about what happened to someone you didn’t know, but you had opened up a bit about feeling lost, like the world is duller lately and she seemed to think that was something that lots of people struggled with. It was enough to lift a little bit of weight off your heart.

You finally finished all of the Fast and the Furious movies with Peter and had started spending the evenings in the common area eating dinner and sharing drinks with everyone. You were still more quiet than usual, but you supplied the occasional joke (usually at Sam or Bucky’s expense) and generally just started to enjoy yourself a bit more.

One evening, just about a month after your panic attack, you were all settling down for a movie in the common space. Everyone was going to watch the Lord of the Rings series together after Tony and Sam had been appalled to discover that no one (not even Peter) had seen any of them.

You were tucked on the couch between Bucky and Peter with a movie theater size bin of popcorn on your lap. Between the teen boy and the super soldier grabbing hand fulls, the tub was almost halfway gone and you hadn’t even hit play yet.

“Jesus you monsters! Don’t eat it all before the movie even starts.”

“It’s not our fault you’ve been making us wait for 15 minutes.” Peter said through a mouthful of half chewed popcorn.

“Ew Peter! Swallow before speaking please. We’re waiting for Tony. He’d be pissed if we started without him.” You snarked back as you stood to go pop more popcorn.

Heathens. You thought to yourself, rolling your eyes.

“Hey Friday?” Peter yelled at the ceiling. “Where the fuck is Tony?”

You heard Steve mutter “language” under his breath across the room. Sam threw a pillow at him. Bucky dropped his head back onto the couch and cackled.

“Shut up grandpa.” You threw over your shoulder.

As you started to turn back around you caught the blue of Bucky’s eyes staring at you. He still had a huge smile on his face, but his eyes were scanning down the length of your body. His gaze paused somewhere around where you knew the top band of your Calvin Klein underwear was peeking out over the top of your sweats. You felt your whole face flush a bright red, your body temperature skyrocketing.

Bucky’s eyes drifted back up and locked with yours. He gave you a small smirk before turning back around to berate Steve for being a stick in the mud. It didn’t seem possible, but your blush seemed to spread across your chest and you could feel a small amount of sweat build on the back of your neck. What the hell? You closed your eyes and shook your head a bit to try to clear the flush from your body.

Calm down and just pop popcorn.

Just then Friday's voice spoke up “Tony is in the elevator on his way.”

“Thank fuck.” Sam said, which caused more grumbling from the lounge chair occupied by Steve. You giggled quietly to yourself as you poured some popcorn kernels into Tony’s fancy popcorn popper.

You turned to grab some butter from the fridge and almost slammed nose first into a rock hard chest. Two arms wrapped around your biceps to stop your forward momentum. Bucky chuckled softly.

“Whoa princess. Need any help?”

“Uh. Can you grab some butter?” You lifted your eyes off the small bit of skin showing above the neckline of his shirt (was he wearing a gold chain???) and locked eyes with him.

He looked at you for a second, the corner of his lip curled into a lopsided smirk. “Sure thing, Doll.”

He let go of your arms and turned to the fridge. You found your eyes scanning the rippling muscles of his shoulders and down the expanse of his back to his slim hips. It felt like you were peeling velcro apart when you finally forced your eyes to return to the popcorn machine.

Oh my god. Get your shit together.

Suddenly the door to the common room swung open “I have a surprise for you!” Tony’s loud voice called from the doorway.

Then you heard a booming voice (one you hadn’t heard in just about a year) bellow “I’m back midgardians!”

You swung around, jaw practically on the floor, to see if it really was who you thought it was. “THOR!” You squealed. You ran at him full steam. His rumbling laugh almost brought tears to your eyes as you launched yourself into his arms. He picked you up and spun you around. You pulled back to look at him with both palms on either side of his face. “How are you here? Why are you here? Is everything okay?”

He laughed, still holding you about a foot in the air and said “Well, Heimdall had brought me news that my bestie had begun to reside in the compound” you giggled when Thor used the term for best friend you had taught him the last time he was here “And I realized I had not returned to learn of your stories for over a year. It is about time that we ‘overturn the tea,’ is it not?” At this you, Peter and Sam absolutely lose your minds laughing.

“What?” Thor asks “It is time, is it not?”

Steve, Bucky and Tony are looking at the three of you in very obvious confusion. Between wheezing and fits of giggles you finally squeak out “It’s spill the tea, Thor.” This causes Peter to fall into another fit of laughter.

“What do you mean, ‘spill the tea’? Is that a game?” Steve asks.

Thor finally sets you down and turns to Steve while You, Peter and Sam try to catch your breath. “Lady Y/N taught me that midgardian phrase. I am told it means to tell dramatic stories, often those that involve your enemies.”

“Oh my god, Thor I missed you so much.” You laugh and hug him again. He wasn’t kidding, you two were besties. He was so interested in midgardian slang, movies and music and it seemed that most of the time you were the only one who had the patience to teach him things. Whenever he visited you two were basically inseparable and he never failed to make you laugh.

“What were your plans this evening, bestie?” You thought Peter might have an asthma attack or something if Thor kept making him laugh this hard.

“We’re watching a movie! Would you like to join?”

“Indeed!” Thor bellowed. He finally stepped away to great everyone else, giving big bear hugs to everyone. You wandered back to the kitchen to collect the popcorn that Bucky had finished making.

“I didn’t know you and thunderman were that close.” Bucky commented as you grabbed the giant bowl from his hands.

“Well, we don’t see each other that often, but he’s such a sweetie.” You snag a handful from the bowl and shove your face full of popcorn.

“Hm.” Bucky mumbles. He’s looking at the ground by his feet. He seems almost… upset?

“C’mon. We can finally watch!” You give him a little hip check before walking back into the living space. You plop down on the couch, this time between Peter and Thor. Bucky takes a spot in a lounge chair next to Steve. You notice his eyes snag a little too long on the blonde giant next to you.

After the movie is over, and some heated debates between Tony and Thor on which character is the best, you all decide to order some pizza.

You’re struck again at how wonderful it feels to just spend the evenings with your best friends, drinking beer and eating pizza, laughing at the stories Thor tells about Asgard.

When you were living off site, you didn’t have any friends besides… Him. It was supposed to be your little slice of the world separate from your life working with Shield. You tried to keep everything as compartmentalized as possible, but it was hard to make friends when you never really left the apartment and couldn’t be honest with anyone about who you really were. You hadn’t ever realized how lonely you had been for the 3 years you’d lived away from the compound until now. The energy of a room full of your favorite people was intoxicating.

Everyone was standing in the kitchen around the island, drinking beers and chatting. Vision and Wanda were sitting on the couch a few feet away being absolutely adorable. Thor, Steve and Bruce were swapping stories at the end of the island. Nat, Sam and Bucky were picking on Peter. You couldn’t keep the smile off your face.

You had just cracked open a new beer and started pouring it into a pint glass when Thor spoke up from across the counter.

“So, Y/N, what became of that man Elijah with whom you lived?”

Oh. Shit.

Mid-pour the beer slipped through your fingers and crashed to the counter. Beer went everywhere. Your hands and forearms were covered in sticky residue. Instantly your heart rate spiked and it was all you could do not to let your knees buckle and collapse right there onto the tile.

“Oh. Uh…” You mumbled out. You had to place your palms flat against the counter to keep your hands from shaking. You stared at the kitchen counter top where your glass sat between your hands, trying to force oxygen back into your lungs. It was silent for a bit too long and you could hear the drip drip drip of beer falling from the counter onto the kitchen floor.

“You lived with someone?” Wanda asked from the couch, looking very perplexed.

No one had really known about it. Tony knew, of course, because he needed “a damn good reason” for you not to live at the compound when you first got added to the team, but you had begged him to keep it a secret. Peter sort of knew, only because when he would drop by sometimes he could sense there was someone else in the apartment.

Thor knew because he had brought Asgardian liquor with him one time and you had stayed up on the couch in the compound and gotten hammered and it just sort of slipped out. You’d said something like ‘Oh he’s gonna be pissed when I don’t come home tonight’ and then Thor had questioned you and you’d just sort of… spilled. Well, not everything, but he got most of it.

You just… hadn’t told anyone else. It had started because Elijah had asked to be kept separate from your working life. He didn’t want your relationship overshadowed by “super people” who “didn’t have any idea how to be normal.”

As the years passed, it just started to be a habit, that you would keep secrets from Elijah about what you did at work, and you kept Elijah a secret from everyone.

You could feel everyone in the room staring at you.

“I’m sorry Lady Y/N… I was not aware that everyone did not know you lived with your fiancé.” Thor said softly from the other side of the counter. You winced. You could feel black spots forming in your vision as you tried to keep your breathing normal.

“It’s okay. Um. Yeah. That uh… didn’t work out.” You squeaked out. You couldn’t lift your eyes up to look at anyone. You were focusing all of your energy on not falling apart in front of them.

There was more silence, everyone in the room clearly reeling from learning that not only had you lived with someone for three years, but you were supposed to have married a man none of them knew. The only sound was the continual drip of beer off the edge of the counter. You couldn’t take it anymore.

With a choked “excuse me” you bolted from the room.

You missed Peter saying your name and getting up from his chair. You missed Nat pushing his shoulder back down with a whispered “let her be Peter.” You missed Thor looking at Tony and saying “I should not have said that” and Tony shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. You missed Sam staring down at his hands on the counter, lost in thought. You missed Wanda and Vision sharing a look. You missed Bucky launch himself from his seat to follow you, and Steve snagging Bucky’s arm to stop his forward momentum.

~0~

You crashed through the door to your room and flung it shut behind you. Leaning your back against the door, you slid down to your butt, hugging your knees to your chest. You started rocking back and forth and tried to slow your breathing down. You knew, after talking to your therapist, that this was a panic attack. In the logical half of your brain, you knew you weren’t dying, that no one was trying to attack you or kill you. You knew you could breathe oxygen just fine.

However, it definitely felt like you were dying.

You kept trying to heave oxygen in, but the longer you sat there the more your brain spiralled. You just kept thinking of the silence. The clear feeling of hurt that radiated off your friends, your family.

Your brain warped that silence, filling it with false ideas of your friends sharing accusatory glances. Of their hatred seething from them. Of their distrust and dislike of you bubbling to the surface. You scrubbed at your face. “No no no no” a mantra falling from your lips.

This wasn’t real. Your brain was trying to convince you that they hated you, but they hadn’t done any of the things your brain was trying to tell you they had. They weren’t like that, they didn’t find out things about you and immediately decide you weren’t worth it.

You leaned your head back against the door, knocking it a few times against the wood, trying to clear your brain. You couldn’t think about what happened. You couldn’t change it, you just had to focus on breathing now.

Easier thought than done.

There was a soft tap on the other side of the door, causing you to jerk forward reflexively, like you’d been burned.

“Hey sweetheart. Are you… okay in there?”

Bucky. Oh god. Not again. You refused to let him hold you again while you got nasty snot all in his mechanical arm. It simply wasn’t an option. You opened your mouth to tell him to get the hell away, but the only sound that came out was a small choked cough.

Ah. Right. You couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Hey, it’s okay. If you want your space that’s totally fine. I’m just… gonna sit here, okay? So you’re not alone. I’ll be right here, on the other side of the door, if you need something. Just try to breathe, okay?” Bucky murmured from the other side.

You were on your hands and knees now, staring at the door, gasping like a fish out of water. You could see the shadow of his feet just on the other side. You saw the light shift as he must have sat down. You heard a soft “thump” as his back hit the door.

There was something about that soft thump that instantly stabilized your racing heart. This was… good. There was no pressure of trying to talk to him or having him look at you while you were panicking, but you knew he was there. It was calming in a way you didn’t fully grasp.

You sat back on your feet and stared at your hands in your lap.

“If your hands tingle, I always find that if I tap each finger to my thumb one at a time, it helps.” Bucky suggested softly through the doorway. You tried it. Tapping one finger tip to your thumb at a time, starting with your pointer. Once you got to your pinky you reversed the order. After a few times, you realized your breathing had evened out and you could see more than just the tunnel vision in front of you.

You looked back up at the door. Bucky’s shadow still hovered just under the frame.

You cleared your throat and croaked “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

You stayed there for a while longer, shifting your weight to one side and swinging your legs around to extend them in front of you. Eventually you laid back on the floor of your room and stared at the ceiling again. Your breathing was even and slow, and your muscles finally felt like they had lost all the tension.

You let your eyes fall shut as you melted into the rug underneath you.

~0~

You woke with a start, dreams of angry brown eyes and a messy flop of blond hair haunting you as you sat up in bed.

In bed.

How did you get here? The last thing you remembered was laying back on the entryway rug and closing your eyes…

Bucky.

You groaned and covered your face with your hands. Not again. At some point, you were really going to have to stop breaking down in front of him.

It was then that you remembered him giving you the advice of tapping your fingers to steady yourself. He had said something about him doing it… there was a sick feeling in your stomach thinking about Bucky suffering alone through that.

You stepped out of bed and went to take a long scalding shower before getting dressed. You should find Bucky this morning and thank him… again. You threw on a pair of sweatpants and a matching cropped sweatshirt, shoved your feet into your sneakers and stepped into the hallway.

“Friday?” You asked softly.

“Yes?” Friday’s lilt came down from above. She sounded softer than usual, almost like she was matching your sound level.

“Where is Bucky?”

“Agent Barnes is on the training level.”

“Thank you.”

You took the elevator down and stepped into the gym. It seemed like everyone was up early and in the gym this morning, crowded around the sparring mats.

“What’s going on?” You asked as you stepped up between Nat and Wanda to look at whatever it was that everyone else was watching.

They didn’t have to answer you, it was quite obvious. Thor and Steve were wrestling to the absolute death in the center of the mat. Steve was putting up a really good fight, but it looked like Thor had him beat.

“Oh my god.” You chuckled. Of course, everyone wanted their shot at sparing with the demigod, especially the super soldiers. It was rare to have a chance to spar with someone who was stronger than the serum made you, so every time Thor came he always did a few rounds in the ring.

You watched as Steve tried to wrap his legs around Thor and flip him over, but Thor had such a good wrap around Steve’s waist it just wasn’t going to happen. Thor brought one arm up and wrapped Steve in a vise-like headlock.

“Yield, little man. I have bested you.” Thor boomed out.

Steve hesitated, but eventually he tapped Thor’s forearm, signalling defeat.

Thor hopped up and started bouncing on his toes. “It was an exceptional attempt Captain, but you have gone soft since I’ve been in this realm.”

Steve groaned as he dragged himself up from the floor. “That, or you’ve somehow gotten stronger.”

Thor’s eyes popped up and found yours with a mischievous glint in them. Not unlike the one you’d seen in Loki’s eyes many times.

“Ah, Lady Y/N has awoken! Just in time for me to crush her into the floor!” Thor chuckled and beckoned you onto the mat.

“My god, Thor…” You groaned, pulling your sweater off over your head revealing your signature calvin klein sports bra you had thrown on that morning.

“I know I’m a god my lady, but the question is, what will you be?” Thor snarked at you. You just rolled your eyes.

“I’m not really dressed for this currently.” You retort, pulling your sneakers and socks off and tossing them to the side of the ring. You catch Bucky’s eye from where he sits just outside the ring. He looks like Thor has already thoroughly beaten him this morning, all sweaty and panting.

I want to lick the sweat off his chest.

Your head twitches involuntarily at the thought that just popped up unprompted in your mind. Behind you, you hear Wanda snort.

Great.

You send a small smile in his direction, to thank him for last night, he nods in recognition as he takes a big gulp of water from his water bottle. You turn to Thor and raise your fists in front of you.

“Alright big guy, lets see how long I can last.”

~0~

It’s surprisingly long, actually. What you lack in brute strength, you make up for in agility. According to Peter, you lasted two whole minutes longer than Bucky and five longer than Steve.

Doesn’t matter, you still feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Or lightning.

You’re standing in the middle of the ring, hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath when Thor places a hand on your back.

“Lady Y/N, I would love to accompany you to your room for some of the ‘girls day’ time.”

You chuckle. Thor loves doing facemasks and drinking champagne with you on your couch while you chat about anything under the sun. He asks nearly every chance he gets.

“Sounds great” you pant “Go shower and meet me up there in 30?”

“I will make haste.” Thor winks and turns to go.

You take a few more seconds to catch your breath as everyone goes back about their own workouts or heads up stairs. When you lift your head, Bucky is still packing up his gym bag just outside the ring.

“Hey, Buck?”

He looks up “What’s up?”

“I just… wanted to thank you. For last night. I know you probably have questions--”

“I don’t want to hear anything you’re not ready to tell.” Bucky cuts you off. “And don’t worry about it. Whenever you need me, I’m there.”

He’s finished putting things in his bag and starts to walk away. Something in you really doesn’t like that he’s moving away from you and you scramble to come up with something to keep him here, even for a second longer.

“Do you want to grab dinner?” You blurt.

He stops with his back to you for a moment before spinning around. “Dinner?”

“Uh…” Oh yeah. Real smooth. Really normal of you. “Yeah. Like, maybe we could go to that bar down the street tonight… and catch up?” You bite your bottom lip. You feel like such a freak right now. You’re asking him to dinner? Really?

Bucky’s eyes dart to your lips for a moment before bouncing back up to your face, but it’s noticeable enough that you instantly blush. You can feel the blood racing up to your face and you have to actively resist the urge to cover your cheeks with your hands. Why is it so hot in here all of a sudden?

Bucky smirks at you and then clears his throat. “Yeah, sure. Sounds good. 7:00? We can take my bike.”

“Yeah perfect.” You choke out. “I’ll see you in the garage.”

“Great.”

He turns and leaves, once he’s far enough around the corner you slap a hand to your forehead and double over again. Oh my god. You were going to ride on the back of Bucky’s motorcycle to the bar down the street tonight and have dinner.

This should have felt normal. He’s Bucky. He’s your friend. You used to go grab breakfasts and coffees all the time together.

But something about this dinner felt way different. Your heart was hammering in your chest.

Oh god. What were you going to wear?

~0~

Thor scared the shit out of you when you stepped out of your bathroom wrapped in a towel thirty minutes later.

That’s right. Girl time.

“Jesus Thor.” You placed a hand on your chest as you gaped at the demigod sprawled on your couch.

“I know that guy! Isn’t he the son of a midgardian god?” Thor quips back, unperturbed by how badly he spooked you. “You left your door unlocked. I brought up all of the bottles of champagne that I was able to uncover in Tony’s not-so-secret chamber of wine. I thought you could decide which to begin our afternoon with.”

You laughed at that. He had indeed. There were easily twenty bottles of champagnes of different vintages on the table near your entry. Tony had a massive wine cellar that he always said was for “special occasions only.” Thor being here was pretty special, so hopefully he didn’t get too mad if a few of these bottles went missing.

“Let me put on some comfy clothes and grab some face masks.”

After you had dressed, applied a beautiful green tea facemask all over Thor and your faces and popped a bottle, you finally settled on the couch with Thor.

“Lady Y/N, I first want to apologize for bringing up something that you had shared with me in private in the presence of the team. I was unaware that it was something you desired to keep a secret from everyone. I’m honored that you shared something personal with me and I am deeply sorry for not respecting the way I should.”

You blinked at Thor. You’d almost forgotten that he had been the one to bring up Elijah last night. You’d thought so much about Bucky’s back against your front door and going to a dive bar with him tonight that you’d managed not to worry about the events of last night.

“It’s totally chill Thor. You didn’t know. I also… don’t really know why I kept it from them? I just hadn’t said anything so I was just caught off guard and didn’t know what to say. You know?”

“Yes! You did look quite upset. Did something unfortunate come between you?”

A mirthless laugh escaped your lips. You stared into the glass of bubbles in your hand. “You… could say that.”

“Is this one of those topics that you’d prefer to discuss, or one that you’d prefer to leave to your own heart?” Thor reached out with his foot and tapped your knee with his toes.

You smiled before lifting your eyes to his. “I think I’d like to keep it in my own heart for now. I’ll tell you someday, okay?”

Thor lifted his glass of champagne in your direction “To many more afternoons of scattering the tea!”

A giggle exploded out of you “It’s spill Thor! Spill!” You lifted your glass to clink with his, relaxing into the couch.

~0~

At approximately 6:48 in the evening you decided you simply were too antsy to stay in your room and stare at the ceiling for a minute longer.

You had a wonderful afternoon of “girl time” with Thor. He had stayed for a few hours, telling you about all the silly court drama that he knew was happening back in Asgard. It had felt so… normal. It was glorious.

After he left, you brushed your hair and looked at yourself in the mirror for probably twenty minutes before deciding against any makeup.

It’s just two friends going to dinner.

You had thrown on a pair of black combat style pants, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket over top. Casual, but still a little nicer than the sweats you had been wandering the compound in for the last two months. You still hadn’t fully wrapped your mind around why you were so nervous.

You take a deep breath, shove your feet in your combat boots and decide to just head to the garage now. You don’t want to keep him waiting, and you can just admire Tony’s cars while you wait.

The elevator drops you off in the lower level where all of the team's personal vehicles are parked. As you step out of the elevator, the door to the stairwell opens to reveal none other than the man himself. Bucky.

He looked… amazing. There. You admitted it. He’s wearing a pair of jeans, a black henley unbuttoned enough to confirm that he did indeed wear a gold chain and that he had a small scar at the top of his right pec.

As he walked he tossed a faded leather jacket on and the movement gave you a brief glimpse of skin where his shirt rode up.

Did this garage just raise in temperature by like 20 degrees?

You fought the instinct to fan yourself.

“What’s the matter with you princess? Cat got your tongue?” He chuckled as he breezed past you toward where his Harley Davidson was parked in the corner of the underground lot. His shoulder just barely brushed yours as he passed.

Somehow, you found your voice. “Do you always take the stairs?”

He didn’t turn around to respond “When the elevator is occupied.”

Well. That was… logical. Duh.

“Get your little ass over here, I’m starving.” He called behind him as he approached the bike.

You felt yourself blush from your hairline down to your toes. “Excuse me?”

“I said get your little ass over here so we can get to that bar and order.” He spun around and gestured to the bike, like he was a presenter on a game show showing you your prize. He patted the leather seat twice. “Your little ass goes here.”

“Right…” you mutter under your breath. God what the hell is wrong with you? You walk over to his bike in silence. He throws one leg over the machine, straddling it and hitting the kickstand. You paused momentarily beside the bike. “So, no helmets?”

Bucky turned to look at you over his shoulder with a smirk on his face “Sweetheart, you’re superhuman.”

You just rolled your eyes at him as you finally swung your leg over the side of the bike. “Doesn’t make road rash hurt any less…”

He chuckled as he reached back to grab both of your hands “I’ll take care of you, doll.”

He pulled on your wrists until you slid forward a bit on the leather seat. Your hips were now slotted against each other, your chest melded against his back, your thighs in line. He wraps your hands around his abdomen so that your hands rest on the planes of his stomach. Then, he pats your hands twice, softly muttering “Hold on tight.”

You squeeze your eyes shut and rest your forehead between his shoulder blades. You could hear the door to the underground garage rumble open. You took a deep breath before whispering “Okay…” into his back.

Bucky punched the gas and you took off into the crisp evening air.

#bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x female reader #female reader #bucky fic

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thoradvice · 4 years

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tw depressive thoughts, suicidal ideation, conversoin therapy mention, homophobia, death, anxiety, panic attacks, overdose

hey thor, if you could please tag this with those and more that you see fit, i wouldn't want to trigger anyone, thank you.

but i've been struggling the past year with a lot. i'm bisexual, and my parents are extremely homophobic and i dont doubt that they would send me to conversation therapy if given the chance. my papa, the only person i truly ever think loved me, passed away four days before my birthday in september. my anxiety attacks have worsened so much that i get them when i get below a 85 on an assignment. i have to take care of my two little brothers almost entirely by myself. my mother couldn't give a shit about me and i haven't seen my dad since he found out my mom was pregnant with another mans baby. that was two months ago.

i'm only 15, but i dont wanna be here anymore. the only reason i haven't done anything yet is because of my little brothers. they're the only thing keeping me here. i hate myself. i'm the spitting image of my mother and i cant stand to look myself in the mirror. all i see is her screaming at me, telling me i'm worthless and i don't deserve to be here in anymore. i held a bottle of the strongest medicine in the cabinet this morning, and i was so close to locking the door and taking them. i don't know why i sent this in, but i feel like i've talked so much to my mutuals on here and at this point i'm boring them, like they dont care anymore.

im going back to my therapist in a couple weeks, and i have a feeling i'll be put back on my meds. i just want this feeling to go away. i dont want to feel like this anymore. i want to be there for my little brothers and my soon-to-be little sister. i want them to see me as their strong older sister, not the girl who cant go three hours without crying.

i want to get better, but i don't know how to do that thor.

hi there, honey. i’m so so beyond sorry that you feel like this. please know that you deserve so much better. you deserve loving, accepting parents. you deserve a happy life. you deserve to feel good. i’m also gonna take this one point at a time, and give advice on each, because i think that way i’ll be able to give the most in-depth help.

it’s hard to deal with homophobic parents. it really is. but you don’t owe them your sexuality. you never have to tell them, especially if your safety is threatened. i know how hard it is to be closeted and to know that your parents won’t & don’t support you. but there is so much more than your parents. you will meet so many people who love, accept and support you for who you are, no matter what. i’m a huge believer in found family, and i believe that you can find your family. know that you’re not wrong. your feelings aren’t wrong. you will never be perverted or bad or gross for being bisexual. it’s so much more than okay to be bi. your sexuality is beautiful.

your mother is wrong. so so wrong. you’re worth so much. you’re a living, breathing person. that alone gives you so much inherent worth. nothing and nobody, including your mom, can ever take that away from you. there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do that will ever make you worthless and anything less than a person who deserves the best that life has to offer. you may look like your mother, but that doesn’t make you like her. from this ask alone, i can tell that you’re a loving, caring and strong individual. your mom seems the opposite.��

you do deserve to be here. so so much. you deserve so much more than you believe right now. i’m so sorry that anyone has ever made you feel otherwise, and even more sorry that you think that suicide is the only way out. i know that these words are easy to say, but they’re true. i’m not much older than you (almost seventeen) and i’ve tried to kill myself several times, more times than i want to think about. i never thought that i was worth anything, that i deserved to be here. i hated myself beyond belief and i saw so much of my past self in your words. i’m by no means recovered, and i do still want to die some of the time. but i know that i have worth, and that i deserve to be here. i know that i’m not a bad person, and that i’m loved. my point here is that there is a future beyond this. it’s only in the last eight or so months that i’ve begun to feel like this. hell, i planned a suicide attempt back in march. recovery is possible for you. please believe me when i say this. it will take time, and effort, and it’s going to be hard. but you’re worth it. you owe it to yourself - your eight year old self, your thirty year old self, and your seventy year old self - to give life a chance.

that’s good !! that’s beyond good. i’m proud of you for that. please talk to your therapist & be honest with how you’ve been feeling. your meds will almost definitely help with this, and you’ll start to feel better soon. if they don’t work well for you, you can ask your therapist if you can switch them. opening up to your therapist, though, will absolutely be the best step in feeling okay again.

you’re so strong. so so fucking strong. you’re dealing with all of this, and you’re still here. that’s amazing. you want to get better, and you’re trying to make that happen. i’m sure your brothers (+ future sister) treasure you and know just how strong you are. please know that i’m so proud of you. it takes so much strength to know that you want to recover, and to reach out like this, to talk about your feelings at all. you’re so loved and you’re worth so much. please come talk to me (via asks or messages. if you prefer other social media, i can give you my instagram) if you ever need anything at all. best of luck <3

#ask #cicicantblog #thor gives advice #recovery #tw suicide #tw homophobia #tw conversion therapy #tw anixety #tw overdose #ask to tag

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aurorawest · 3 years

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⭐️ ooooh! can you please give a "director's commentary" on chapter 2 from "Foundations" where Loki and Thor are in a pub and get confronted by these two awful guys??

Yeah! Gosh it feels like a long time ago that I wrote Foundations!

Some general commentary about this fic - one of my struggles with writing Loki was how to get into his head and make sense of the fact that in Thor 1, we have that deleted scene where he tells Thor that he loves him, and to never doubt it. Obviously that scene was cut, but Loki’s entire arc really does bear out that he loves Thor, so I really needed to find a way to reconcile, “Never doubt that I love you,” with Loki’s douchebaggery in Thor 1. So that really was the impetus for this fic - what are some things that have happened between them that could lead to Loki’s love for Thor never wavering, but would also convince him that keeping Thor from the throne was a good thing, so good that he should resort to fairly extreme measures to achieve it? I wrote this fic a bit out of order—chapter 3 came first, then 1, 2, and I wrote 4 and 5 more or less simultaneously.

The men watching him didn’t seem like a concern anymore, either. They were the princes of Asgard. Who would dare attack them?

“Drinking by yourselves, princelings?” a voice said from above them suddenly.

So in chapter 2, I wanted to show Thor’s hot-headedness, and I wanted it to involve Loki, because I wanted to show a conflict between Loki loving Thor for looking out for him...but also hating Thor for looking out for him.

Spoken too soon. Loki’s head snapped around much faster than Thor’s did. It was the two men who had been watching him. Surprise.

With a smile that he hoped was charming, rather than sloppy, Loki said, “Well, I wouldn’t say we’re alone.” Wait, was that supposed to be clever? The drink was getting to him. The drink had gotten to him.

Thor scooted his chair over and slung an arm around Loki’s shoulders. “Only because we haven’t found company yet!” he thundered. Loki tried to slither out from under his arm but Thor’s fingers clamped around his shoulder, so he resigned himself to his brother’s drunken clutches. “Join us, friends. And well met on this beautiful evening!”

I tried to mimic the dialogue patterns of Thor 1 and TDW for this fic much more than I typically do. Since most of my fic takes place post-Ragnarok, and I really love the tone of Ragnarok, I draw a lot of my style and tone from that. But I wanted to give this fic a feeling of being set in the past, long before Loki and Thor encounter 21st century humans.

[...] The men looked at each other and Loki felt another twist of uneasiness. One of them, his hair a fiery ginger that Loki couldn’t help letting his eyes linger on,

This is a very subtle (like so subtle that I’m sure literally everyone missed it) reference to Theo Bell in the novel Loki: Where Mischief Lies, who’s a redhead. I have a head canon that Loki has a thing for redheads.

elbowed the other, who was brawnier and uglier, with a nose that looked like it had been flattened by someone else’s fists on more than one occasion.

Could I have just said his nose had been broken? Probably. I still kind of like the way I worded this.

“Perhaps if it was just you here, Your Highness,” the uglier one said. Loki stiffened, but Thor didn’t react. Either he didn’t get it or didn’t care. But Loki wasn’t so far gone in drink that he didn’t understand, nor did he miss the way the redhead’s eyes narrowed at him. It sparked a flash of irritation in him—he was the prince, they had no right to look at him that way. But he looked down at the table, a habit honed in court, where it was easier to bow his head and dig his nails into his palms rather than argue with Father.

Loki digging his nails into his palms hard enough to draw blood has become one of his tics, the more I’ve written of him. This...may have been the first time I referenced it?

With a chuckle, Thor said, “It is just us here.”

The man laughed too. It was much less nice than Thor’s dumb, likable laugh. “Aye, Prince. You and your greasy brother.”

Head canon: Loki’s hair looks greasy because he hates its natural curl and he dumps product on it. He would rather it looked bad in any other way than be curly.

The smile fell off Thor’s face and he removed his arm from Loki’s shoulders. “What?” he said, suddenly sounding far less drunk.

“It’s not the grease we mind,” the redhead piped up.

Loki raised his head, sensing danger. It was best not to be looking at your lap when you knew it was coming. His daggers were a comforting weight on his forearms, but Thor hadn’t brought a weapon tonight. Why would he? Loki went out into the city by himself all the time, and he never had any trouble. And if one of them was going to have trouble, it would certainly be Loki—less trusted, less loved. Too pale, too quiet. Unnatural.

Loki is definitely an unreliable narrator here. He sees hatred and distrust everywhere he looks. There’s obviously an element of truth to that (as we’re about to see), but on the other hand, he’s been drinking at this pub for ages with no trouble. He knows the bartender. Loki’s mind really prioritizes negative experiences (I guess most people do but Loki, anxiety and depression ridden Loki, really does).

“No, not at all,” the man said. “Who hasn’t skipped a bath now and then? No, the thing is, we don’t drink with faggots.”

I remember after I posted this fic, I went back a few days later and added the tag ‘period typical homophobia’ because of this line.

The room didn’t actually fall silent, but it might as well have. There was a loud ringing, and it took Loki a second to realize it was in his own ears. His chest felt like something heavy, like the hammer Mjølnir that was kept in the weapons vault, was compressing it to nothing, and he was fairly sure that his heart had stopped beating.

Thor hasn’t been given Mjolnir yet.

The man’s grin was practically ghoulish. “Probably thinks no one sees him going into that whorehouse, the one where they keep the lads—”

I purposefully left it vague whether this is true. But since this is the director’s commentary, I can tell you - it’s true! Loki does frequent a brothel with male employees. He actually has sort of a long term relationship with one. The guy is in love with Loki. Loki is...not. There comes a point where the guy confesses his feelings to Loki. Loki never comes back after that. Later, on The Statesman after Ragnarok, Loki finds out the guy was killed in Hela’s purge. He feels pretty awful.

The scrape of Thor’s chair on the wood floor was deafening. [...] “That,” he said in a dangerous voice, “was not a very nice thing to say.”

Kind of an understatement, Thor.

The redhead took a step back. The ugly one, who’d just aired Loki’s—dirty laundry? Skeletons?—didn’t. He was mixing metaphors. This was something he’d preferred to think of as simply a thing that he just didn’t talk about, but now that it had been announced to a roomful of people, it seemed like something he should have been much more ashamed of. Surely people didn’t stare like that otherwise.

Loki is...not exactly uncomfortable with the fact that he’s attracted to men. He knows, or thinks, that it’s outside the norm, but he doesn’t think that he’s doing something wrong. I have a reference in some fic...somewhere...I can’t remember which one, about how Asgardians live such a long time that most of them will try having sex with someone of the same-sex, even if they don’t really think they’re attracted to people of the same sex. It might be in one of my fics for the Loki Rarepair Bang? Anyway, later, Loki will come to understand that. At this point, he’s still kind of like...I don’t know anyone else who likes this. I was really trying to walk a line between him being ashamed and him knowing, deep down, there was nothing wrong with him.

Then again, they may have been staring because of the look on Thor’s face. “Apologize to my brother,” Thor said.

The man looked at Loki and grinned. Loki folded his wrists inwards and fingered the hilts of his daggers, but he said in a low tone, “Thor, it’s fine.”

[...] “Best listen to your brother,” the man said with a leer. “Or maybe I should say ‘sister.’”

Personally, Loki didn’t find this insulting,

Probably because it’s a terrible insult.

but Thor clearly did.

Loki isn’t entirely comfortable with this fact. Thor sends mixed signals. He doesn’t have a problem with anything about Loki, and yet, he still gets mad about an insult like this. Obviously, it’s meant as an insult, which is why Thor gets angry - it’s not the content so much as the fact that these assholes are attacking Loki.

[...] Loki knew that a normal Asgardian should be offended by all of this. The disrespect, if not the accusation itself. [...]

But all Loki could see were repercussions spidering out from this moment, repercussions from getting angry, from standing up for himself, for fighting back. An Asgardian was supposed to fight back. But Loki knew that he couldn’t win either way. If he fought back, his father would say he should have calmed the situation. If he didn’t, everyone would think he was weak. And in any case, the fact that there’d been a confrontation in the first place would be blamed on him.

At the heart of a lot of Loki’s issues is this idea that he can’t do anything right. He knows what he would naturally do, but knows it’s not acceptable. He knows what he “should” do, but he also doesn’t think that’s acceptable. He feels caught in this impossible place where it’s literally impossible to win the approval of his father...which is the one thing he wants.

[...] In a blur, Thor’s fist swung out, connecting with the man’s face with a wet crack of bone and cartilage. The man dropped like a stone, but when he hit the ground he tried to roll away. His red-headed friend stepped forward, bringing a fist up.

I remember really, really not wanting to write a fight scene here, haha.

In a second, Loki was on his feet, holding out a hand that was suddenly grasping a dagger. The redhead jolted to a stop as Loki extended it so the point rested inches from the tip of the other man’s nose. With an icy smile, Loki said, “I wouldn’t.”

I very much love writing Loki wielding his knives.

The redhead’s face twisted in a snarl, but he lowered his hands to his sides. There was that taken care of, at least.

Thor kicked the other man out from the table he was trying to crawl underneath, grabbing him by one of the pauldrons on his shoulders and hauling him to his feet. The man took a wild swing at Thor and missed. In return, Thor head-butted him, smashing his already ruined nose to an unrecognizable, bloody pulp. Then he slammed the man down on the table, one hand around his neck. The tabletop splintered and bowed with the force of the blow. Their ales splattered everywhere.

“Thor,” Loki said warningly. “That’s enough. He’s an idiot—let him go.” But Thor was too far gone. The rage of battle, he liked to call it. Loki preferred to think of it as dumb, animal bloodlust. The man’s face was turning red while he wheezed, and his attempts to hit Thor were growing weaker.

“Thor.” Loki took a chance, lowered his dagger, and stepped forward. He wrapped a hand around his brother’s shoulder and pulled him back, though of course his strength was no match for Thor’s. If Thor wanted to kill this man, he could, and Loki would be powerless to stop him with mere strength. Sorcery, yes. But that was what had gotten them into this in the first place. And besides, Loki didn’t think Thor would thank him for magicking him. “Stop. It’s not worth it.” Thor bared his teeth and squeezed his fist tighter around the man’s neck. The man’s eyes popped and his wheezing became a thin whistle, then the absence of anything in his gaping mouth as Thor cut off his air supply.

For a moment, Loki studied the man. He’d thought—he’d assumed—that he would feel a bolt of horror, of a desperate need to stop this so a life could be spared. But as he looked down and searched for that feeling, he just found a cold emptiness. What did he care if this man died?

I believe that Loki is a deeply sensitive person, who cares and loves with absolute abandon...if you make it to the very inner reaches of his heart. Otherwise, he probably doesn’t give a shit about you. I want to show that here, that Loki has this very cold-blooded side. It’s not that he likes killing people or inflicting pain, but it doesn’t bother him.

What he cared about was not causing more trouble than had already been caused. About making sure Thor didn’t do something rash and stupid. And about not getting the blame himself for something that he hadn’t started, because for his whole life, people had been ready to believe the worst of him.

Here’s some set-up for Loki’s eventual scheme to prevent Thor from taking the throne. Loki knows Thor acts without thinking. Here, he wants to stop it. Later, he’ll use it against Thor. Here, Loki is very much fighting against people’s perception of him. He wants to be loved. This flips for him later, where he embraces what (he thinks) people think of him and really tries to become the villain. It’s not a natural fit on him.

“Brother, please,” Loki hissed. “Stop. Think.”

This is an intentional echo of Loki’s dialogue to Thor on Jotunheim in Thor 1.

And why should this work now, when it rarely did? But Loki felt the tenseness go out of Thor’s shoulder, and after a second, he released his hold on the man, pushing him away. The force of the push slid the man across the table and headfirst onto the floor, but he was moaning, so clearly he wasn’t dead.

For the first time, Loki glanced around the alehouse. If there hadn’t been silence before, there certainly was now. Everyone in the place was staring, and not in a friendly way. The look in Birger’s eyes was unmistakable.

I used the name Birger for the bartender because I figured I wouldn’t want to use it for a more important character.

[...] He [...] smiled as though nothing was wrong, met Thor’s eyes, and walked to the door. Spine straight, shoulders back, the half-smile on his face that he wore when he didn’t want anyone to know how much he was breaking inside.

Loki is a practiced actor. There’s far more going on inside his head than he’ll ever let on.

He didn’t even know why this, of all things, should crack one more piece of him. Certainly, it wasn’t the idea of gossip about him. There was already gossip about the fact that he liked men as well as women. Mother already knew, anyway. She’d sat him down one day, several months after she’d noticed his eyes following not just some of the attractive serving girls, but also boys, and had the excruciatingly awful Talk with him that he was sure Thor had gotten from their father, not from her. “You know to take precautions to prevent disease, not just pregnancy?” she’d asked, and he’d managed to stammer, his face bright red and burning, “Yes, Mother, of course.” Honestly he hadn’t thought much about it, but the only thing that could have made that moment worse was admitting ignorance.

“Will you be my fester-man?” has Loki remembering talking about his attraction to men with Odin, and how absolutely mortifying it was. Odin’s side of this talk is telling Loki that whoever he wants to sleep with is fine, but he needs to marry a woman and produce an heir.

But Thor was here to witness this, and maybe that was what made it seem so awful. Thor, who meant the world to him, but whom he worried saw him as lesser. Lesser than his friends, the Warriors Three and the Lady Sif, lesser than every other Asgardian. Lesser than Thor himself. Why wouldn’t he see Loki as lesser, when Thor was going to be king? When despite this display tonight, he’d receive no more punishment than a stern talking-to from Father?

Loki had kept his cool, Loki had defused the situation—they were walking away from this with everyone alive because of him. And yet he was the one who everyone would see as the one who hadn’t done things quite right, while Thor, who’d nearly killed a man out of anger, would have his actions waved away. Loki’s circumspection was a flaw, while Thor’s hot-headedness was a virtue. Loki would never hold the throne because he wasn’t Asgardian enough, and Thor was too Asgardian for his own good.

Really the core of this section and Loki’s bitterness—Loki can do nothing right, and Thor can do no wrong. Loki sees his outsider status as both a flaw, but also as an advantage. He does feel he did the right thing in this situation, but he knows no one else will feel that way. Thor’s reaction was maybe not good, but it’s what everyone would expect.

It wasn’t that Loki didn’t appreciate that his brother had almost killed a man to protect him. It was just, he didn’t need to be protected, and he could see the outcome of this writ large as though it was scrawled across the front of the palace. It made him want to scream. It made him hate Thor with such a scalding fierceness that it scared him. He couldn’t hate Thor. But nothing was fair, and Thor never did anything about it.

He hates Thor. He loves Thor. One thing this fic really taught me about Loki was how he lives with cognitive dissonance every moment of every day. He holds these massive contradictory feelings inside him and they just sit next to each other, totally irreconcilable.

The two of them walked the dark streets of Asgard in silence, Thor’s heavy breathing quieting the farther they got from the alehouse. [...] “I suppose you want to know if what they said is true,” he said, staring straight ahead into the dark. His eyes found the palace, shining golden in the distance.

Thor made a noise. In his periphery, Loki saw his brother look towards him. “I know it’s true,” Thor said. “I mean, maybe not the part about the…um, establishment, but you liking men, I already knew that.”

Swallowing, Loki said, “And?”

“And what?”

Loki stopped walking and it took Thor a couple steps to realize it. As Thor turned back to him, Loki asked, “And… [...] Do you care?”

[...] “Why would I care?” Thor asked. And then, “Did you think I would care?”

“I…” Loki hugged his arms over his chest until he realized it looked childish, like he had something to hide, something to be ashamed of. Dropping his arms to his side, he said, “They cared in there.”

Thor snorted and shook his head. “They were fools. I’ve never known you to put any stock in the opinions of fools, brother.”

“So you don’t,” Loki pressed. It seemed of the utmost importance that Thor actually say these words. Loki needed him to prove it, not with his fists, but on Loki’s territory, by saying it. Out loud. Unequivocally. Plainly.

Loki needs to be told things verbally. He needs people to tell him, straight up, ‘I love you.’ ‘You’re worthy.’ Etc. Which I think is why Odin’s ‘No, Loki,’ is so devastating to Loki. Loki places so much important on words and doesn’t really look at people’s actions (Thor, incidentally, is the opposite).

Shaking his head, still looking befuddled, Thor said, “No. There’s nothing to care about.” Then he paused and took a step closer. Reaching out to put a hand to the back of Loki’s neck, he said, “Loki. Even if there was, you’re my brother. And I still wouldn’t care.”

I remember really wanting to get this right. I think when I first wrote this line, I had Thor say, “You’re my brother; of course I don’t care.” But I wanted Thor to just...not care. It doesn’t really have anything to do with Loki, Thor just isn’t a bigot. But I also wanted the sense of like, even if he did care, the fact that it’s Loki would make him rethink this.

Loki wanted to hug him. But that vein of resentment was still there and it stopped him. Instead, he swallowed hard and just stood there for a moment, Thor’s hand cupping the back of his head while he felt something inside him splintering.

And for the first time, he identified it. It was the feeling of his jealousy and love butting up against each other, two immovable forces that wouldn’t yield to the other. With a flash of insight that felt more like seeing into the future, like a faint hint of his mother’s witchcraft (none of which had been passed down to him), he realized this battle was going to shape his life.

He’s right.

And right then, he wasn’t sure love would win.

Nooooo Loki, it will!

“Loki?” Thor said, sounding unsure.

He forced himself to smile, and as he met Thor’s eyes, the resentment receded. Reaching up, he wrapped a hand around Thor’s forearm and said, “Thank you.” There was more to say, but it was beyond him. It was too much.

“Nothing to thank me for,” Thor said, sounding relieved. Then, he ruffled Loki’s hair, which he knew Loki hated. But this old, familiar argument was safe, and they retreated to it as they continued their walk back to the palace. Loki smoothed his hair down and wished he could do the same with the cracks in his life. Something felt changed, and it was frightening, and he felt in his bones that there was no going back to safety, no matter how much he might try.

Safety is an incredibly important feeling to Loki. I return again and again to it in my fics. There are certain people that make him feel safe, and these are the people he loves above all others. You can count them on one hand: Thor. Frigga. Stephen Strange. There’s an element of physical safety to this, but mostly it’s emotional safety. There are people who will let him be who he is, and he’ll do anything for them because of it.

Thank you so much for asking!! It was really fun to return to this fic.

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

#Anonymous #loki #thor #brodinsons

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the--sad--hatter · 5 years

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Mischief & Madness - Chapter 3 (Loki X Reader)

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Loki/Reader (No physical description of reader other than female presenting)

Warnings: LOKI, Angst, lots of violence, graphic gore, extreme cursing, anxiety attacks.

Summary:

Living in New York has its ups and its downs. Upside - You have a cushy job at Stark Industries. Downside - You wind up getting yourself kidnapped by The God Of Mischief.

All you wanted was a decent cup of coffee, now you’re stuck on the otherside of the universe with a sociopath who has only begrudgingly not murdered you.

To get back home you’ll have to work with Loki, and probably stop trying to stab him.

To regain his power, he’ll have to work with you, and probably stop trying to slaughter you.

When Mischief and Madness collide, chaos ensues. Even if you survive this, the universe probably won’t…

Masterlist

Chapter Three

As soon as the doors opened Natasha sauntered out of the elevator, leaving you to trail after her. The first person to notice and acknowledge you was Vision, who drifted over and held his fist out to you.

“I have garnered from watching the interactions of the team that when a friend is victorious it is customary to offer them your fist so that they may bump it.” He explained, pleased with himself.

You shifted your coffee to your non-dominant hand and accepted the proffered fist bump, cooing under your breath at his adorableness.

“There she is, my favourite lil genius!” Sam crowed loudly, jogging over to sling his arm around your shoulders.

“Excuse me? Is she the genius who pays for everything?” Tony squawked, offended.

“Shush, let me have my moment.” You scolded.

“You did very well today.” Wanda said softly, and you had to look around for a moment before you spotted her on the couch, sandwiched between Clint and Steve.

“Yeah, I had Friday pull the footage so I can watch it on repeat.” Clint sniggered ecstatically as Sam swept you over to the seating area.

Something cold touched your wrist and you looked down at Bucky who was splayed across an armchair. He didn’t say anything, just caught your eye and gave you a firm nod of approval.

“What kind of coffee is that?” Tony demanded, snatching the cup from your hand and taking a sip.

“Gimme a break, I took an impromptu and unwilling flying lesson today.” You scoffed, snatching it back.

“But I caught you!” Peter exclaimed, wiggling in his seat like a proud puppy who’d successfully performed a trick.

“Yes, yes you did. Three cheers for Spiderinfant!” You scoffed, letting Sam push you onto the couch next to Steve.

“I agree, congratulations are in order for the young ones and their part in todays battle. Were this Asgard, we would feast for days to honour them.”

“Let’s go to Asgard then.” You stage whispered to Peter.

“Alas, I have just returned from Asgard and I have much news.” Thor admitted heavily.

“Lay it on us, how much did Loki screw up Asgard?” Tony asked.

“While masquerading as my father Loki ruled Asgard fairly and justly. He built monuments to himself of course but the people did not seem to mind. I suspect many of them knew it was Loki in disguise but choose to continue the charade. Indeed, Asgard is peaceful and prosperous.” Thor admitted, befuddled.

“Huh. How about that? The would be King was actually fit for the job. Maybe we should have just given Loki the planet.” You sniggered.

“Joking. Obviously.” You quickly added when you were subjected to numerous hard stares.

“So what’s the bad news?” Steve asked, getting back on track.

“The Enchantress Amora began causing havoc in Asgard, that is why Loki came here to find a weapon to stop her. She has been captured, though only barely. I believed Loki was acting in Asgards best interest until we went to the Vaults and the tesseract disappeared.”

“Loki has the Tesseract?” Steve asked sharply.

“I do not know. The Tesseract was in the vault. It disappeared before our very eyes and we know not where it has gone.”

“Friday, where’s Loki?” Tony snapped out quickly.

“He is on the balcony reading about childhood trauma and the effects it can have in later life.” Friday responded.

“Who gave Loki a book?” Steve sighed.

You sunk down in your seat guiltily, refusing to meet Natasha’s eye.

“I did. Thought he might learn something.” The redheaded Russian said blithely, covering for you.

You put your hand up nervously.

“You can go to the bathroom, you don’t need to ask.” Clint whispered, shaking his head slightly at you.

“Good to know, but… What do you mean The Tesseract disappeared. In all the years it was studied on Earth it never acted on it’s own. Someone had to have taken it, somehow. There’s only one person we know of who can do anything similar to that, and he knew where it was. It had to have been Loki.” You suggested.

“Agreed. Friday, up the security on Loki and around the tower.” Tony instructed, taking your suggestion seriously.

“I will guard Loki personally.” Thor said sagely, picking up his hammer.

He didn’t really wait for an agreement, just stomped out onto the landing and stepped over the edge.

“Love that guy. Knows how to make an entrance and an exit.” You snorted.

“You’ll get used to it.” Steve assured, patting your shoulder.

“Will I? Because as fun as today has been, I don’t really see myself hanging out with you in much of an Avenging capacity. Feel free to invite me to Pizza Parties though! And by feel free, I mean do it or I’ll subscribe you to every penis enlargement scam on the net.” You warned.

“You wanna tell her?” Steve asked Tony.

You looked between them, teetering between curious excitement and nervous fear.

“Tell me what? Tell meeeeeeeeee!” You demanded.

“Wanna hang out with us in an Avenging capacity? Pizza parties included.” Tony asked giddily, looking quite proud of himself.

“All of our scientific minds are also out on the front, fighting. We think it would be beneficial if we had people working full time on tech, communications, weaponry etc… People we can trust. We already know you, we like you, we trust you and you’ve more than proven how capable you are.” Steve added.

Proud of you, Tony was proud of you, not himself. You were being extended a coveted invitation to…

“So you want me to be your ‘Q’?” You clarified.

“Yes.” Steve agreed, rolling his eyes when you and Tony gaped at him in surprise.

“I’ve seen James Bond.” He said flatly.

“We’re offering you a job Princess. We want you to move into the compound upstate and work for The Avengers full time. You wouldn’t be in the public eye so you would be safe, and yes you will have your own lab. All the toys and funding you want.” Tony explained.

“Barnes and I have worked out a training schedule for you, not that we’re expecting you to go on missions.” Natasha added, smiling over at you smugly.

“We picked you out a room next to mine.” Wanda said excitedly.

“I stopped Tony from making your room pink, but I couldn’t talk him out of the Canopy bed.” Sam snorted.

“That beds awesome. If you don’t want it, I’ll have it!” Clint offered enthusiastically.

“Banners at the compound now, setting up your lab equipment.” Steve added, explain the Doctors absence from the meeting.

“Wait, you’re taking her upstate?” Peter piped up, near pouting.

“Relax kid, we’re not locking her up, she’s not going from Sleeping Beauty to Rapunzel. You can still have playdates.” Tony assured.

Throughout all the excitement you had remained uncharacteristically silent, something that started to dawn on everyone.

“Uh, I… My coffee is cold. I’m going to make a fresh one.” You muttered, getting stiffly to your feet.

“Princess?”

“Just give me a minute, please. I’ll be back.” You said briskly, high-tailing it towards the elevator.

“Well done guys, you scared her off.” Sam grouched as you slipped into the elevator, trying not to hyper-ventilate.

It was a more than generous offer, it was a dream come true. But you couldn’t help but wander back to your lab in a daze, trying to untie the knot in your stomach. This was literally the biggest thing to ever happen to you, being invited to work with Earth’s Mightiest. You’d have access to resources and tech beyond your imagination, you could work directly with Tony and Banner not just for them. You could have a hand in saving the world, changing it, improving and saving lives.

So why were you sat on a chair with your head in your hands and trying not to cry?

“Princess, your heart rate is elevated and you are showing signs of distress. Is everything ok?” Friday asked, her volume lower than it normally was.

“And there is your greatest fear, laid bare. You can’t stand the thought that your death will be as meaningless and unimportant as your life.”

“I’m fine Friday.” You answered numbly.

“The genius in a tower of people smarter than her, brushing shoulders with champions and knowing she will never be one, surrounded by greatness but unable to achieve it herself.”

“Should I inform Mr Stark you need him?” She prodded.

“You hate that you are insignificant, that you will never rise above the mediocrity that is so prevalent in your race.”

“No. I don’t need Tony. I don’t need anyone.” You replied coldly.

You knew what was wrong now. You were scared. Scared that you’d have the chance to be something more, to be important and that you would blow it. It was easy to hope for something but when that hope came to fruition it wasn’t easy to follow through.

What if you weren’t as smart as they thought you were?

What if you messed up and someone got hurt?

What if you crumbled under the pressure?

What if you let yourself down?

What if you let Tony down?

What if you got what you wanted and realised it wasn’t what you needed?

What if you didn’t fit in?

What if they realised the same thing everybody else always inevitably did, that you weren’t likeable?

What if you got thrown out and lost everything?

You were so consumed with what ifs that you didn’t notice that Friday hadn’t answered you. You only looked up when something you couldn’t quite put your finger on let you know something was wrong. You looked around the lab, on alert, searching for what was wrong, when you heard it.

Or rather, you didn’t hear it. The lab was full of equipment and machines that were always on, humming and whirring, the white noise of machinery. It was silent now though, and now that you realised that you could see that all the blinking lights were off.

“Friday?”

There was no response, and a chill ran down your spine. You pulled your phone from your pocket and frowned at the black screen. You raced towards the elevator, knowing full well what you’d find and you were right. There was no electricity in the building, or anything in the building. Something had drained all the power.

Which meant…

“Hello Vænn.” He hissed, right behind you.

Loki’s cell was useless.

His fingers closed around your elbow and you were forcibly slammed into the nearest wall. His green eyes glinted in the darkness and something sharp and cold pressed into the tender flesh over your thrumming pulse.

“Is that a dagger at my throat or are you happy to see me?” You laughed breathlessly, without humour.

“You bested me once, I can not let the insult pass, nor risk you doing it again.” He explained almost amicably.

He was so close you could see the flecks of gold and emerald in his eyes, and the regret as well. It almost distracted you from the sharp pain in your neck until you felt something damp drip down your skin. The dagger was so sharp it had started to slice through your skin even though he’d made no move to injure you yet. His gaze flickered down and he watched the thin rivulet of blood roll down your throat.

“You’re hesitating.” You accused him.

“Are you so eager to die?” He threw back.

“Just wondering if that connection I felt we had was in my imagination, because after our moment on the balcony I thought we were friends. And friends don’t slit friends throats.” You told him, half joking-half imploring.

His eyes darted across your face like he was searching for something, some kind of sign about what to do. Or maybe he was just relishing in your terror and you were projecting.

“I was King. I had the throne and the power. The people adored me, even if they didn’t know it was me. I had everything and it’s lost because of you. You took everything from me and taking your pathetic life isn’t an even bargain but it is all you have, so it is what I will take in recompense.” He hissed, his eyes brimming over with darkness and hate.

“Loki, don’t. Please don’t kill me.” You whispered softly.

“For someone with so much pride, you do beg so prettily, sweet Vænn.” He whispered back, his tone hard where yours had been gentle.

There it was again, that word. What it meant was still beyond the reaches of your knowledge but it hardly seemed pertinent right now, with the tower shrouded in darkness and your blood painting your skin.

They had to know Loki would be free, The Avengers had to know. If you could just stall long enough, distract him, you could survive. You could beg some more, play up to the pathetic mortal gig, wait for someone stronger than you to come and rescue you.

“You can try as hard as you like to lay the blame with me but we both know you were never really King, you were a bastard prince playing pretend.” You snarled.

You didn’t want to die, but in the end you were still you, and you didn’t want to snivel and beg. There was no point in surviving if the price was being unable to look yourself in the mirror.

Thunderous crashing above you made you flinch, unwittingly slicing your own skin a little more. The entire tower shook and for a moment you thought an Earthquake had struck New York, but everything soon became clear.

“Loki! Stop this at once!” Thor roared, his booming voice reaching you a split second before he came crashing into the lab, the hammer swinging in his hand. When he saw you, half hidden behind Loki and blood beginning to stain your shirt, his eyes widened. Which begged the question, if he didn’t know Loki was about to kill you, what was he demanding that Loki stop?

There was one final crash as the ceiling above your head collapsed, plaster and concrete raining down on your lab in a dusty explosion. Instinctively you hid behind Loki, using him as a shield and forgetting about the dagger that he thankfully pulled away in time. When the dust cleared you realised he wasn’t even paying attention to you, his eyes fixed on the centre of the lab. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Thor raise the hammer but you couldn’t care less.

Levitating off the ground, smack in the middle of your lab, was the Tesseract. Blue light shone from it, casting a glow over everything it touched. It was… mesmerising. Utterly entranced by it you stepped forward in tandem with Loki, unaware you’d put yourself between him and Thor. Thor was yelling something but you couldn’t make it out, it was like you were underwater, separated from the world and drowning in blue light. The only thing you could clearly hear was your own heartbeat, slow and steady, calmly pulsating as you walked towards the Tesseract as the light got brighter and brighter.

And then the floor dropped out from under your feet and swirling blue light was the only thing left.

A/N - Aaaaaaand we're off.

I think it's setting itself apart from MMYM. I feel like Princess and Kitten, while both sassy af, are quite different, and this Loki is a little bit different as well. I could be wrong though, so, thoughts?

Ngl though, I am already digging the Princess/Loki dynamics.

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vaguely-gestures-to-the-void · 3 years

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Hindsight: My thoughts on Loki (2021)

As always, thanks for being here my friends. There’s definitely more nuanced discussion of this show, but I’m here for the vibes. Anyways, here’s my thoughts on Episode 3 of Loki. Bear in mind I hadn’t watched episode 4 before I wrote the review for 3. No hate on anyone/thing, it’s all my opinion.

Episode 3: LAMENTIS

Pre-title scene

I rioted when I heard Hayley’s voice. It’s a win for all of us.

C-20! Sylvie!

C-20’s lil dance was adorable. I love her.

I want Sylvie’s tie dye.

Is that Ralph Bohner?

The same place, but at night. Coincidence? I think not.

Sylvie’s powers have limits. She can’t search someone’s mind and take information, she needs them to willingly tell her though she can use her powers to do that.

TVA

Sylvie’s experienced. Always tie your hair into a bun before a fight.

Her music is nothing like what we’ve heard previously. It’s the Sylvie show folks.

The mural on the left side of the hall is the one from the credits scene.

The plaque above the elevators says ‘FOR ALL TIME ALWAYS’.

Even in the mural on the right side, the Time Keepers aren’t equal, the middle one takes up the most space.

Ravonna!

I love how their movements are similar. The head-snap-hair-flip combo is nearly identical, reflecting how they are the same person to some extent.

2077 Lamentis - 1

“Get off my leg!” SiblingTM energy.

“Goodbye, variant.” She sure has the Loki drama.

I finally remembered it’s called a TemPad. Rip.

“Don’t ever call me that.”

“Tech savvy?”

That’s so Ragnarok.

I love the music as we pan up to the planet. It’s the familiar, anxiety-inducing ticking for me lads.

“You idiot! This is Lamentis - 1.”

“I don’t know what that means!”

My siblings when I can’t restart the router (every country has an AT&T).

I like that it’s a moon that’s inhabited. It’s nearly always the planet, still not great for the people on it.

That slide to get under the dump truck was so smooth.

“So we’re a team now?” Jesus Loki needs friends. Probably a good therapist too.

“Didn’t need your help!”

“You’re so weird!”

I like the way Tom runs. Don’t know why. Just do.

Sidenote, my favourite running form is Chris Evans’.

Sylvie’s magic flickered so I genuinely think the enchantment didn’t work.

“Well then I’ll cut it out.” I like the way she says that. I am questioning so many things rn.

“Just because I have to work with you doesn’t mean I wanna hear your voice.” It’s ironic since they spend so much time talking about themselves.

“Alright, well, slow down… Variant.” They really play off each other’s egos to find weaknesses.

“You don’t know what you want.” Sylvie’s more straightforward in everything she does. She efficiently points out Loki’s flaws but when it comes to a goal, she’s meticulous.

“...just walk away.” Loki stops walking, but Sylvie does walk away. There is distance between them (for now).

I’ve had experience with mining towns like this one and whilst they weren’t so out-of-this-world (ya know) there is a tendency for rural and isolated communities to struggle with old/not maintained infrastructure. This is not everywhere, but it’s not uncommon from what I know. Even though these towns are a source of wealth, there isn’t distribution of the money and it’s a grim reality that’s being shown. I appreciate it.

The shot of them walking past a slab of that planet towards the hut is incredible. Wow.

The person in there is just waiting for their death. I’m going to be addressing a lot of the harsh realities in this episode folks so it won’t be so cheerful.

I understand that people weren’t so happy with this being a filler episode, but I think they got it right. It’s strange that a literal planet-moon collision doesn’t bring the tension that the hurricane did in the last ep, but by having an atmosphere that wasn't so omnius, they conveyed (to me at least) that hope was already lost. In the Roxxcart Disaster, the people believed that it wasn’t going to be the end. There’s desperation on Lamentis - 1 but as Sylvie said, the collapse of society occurs. That’s a large group of people realising that class divides will cause slaughter. It’s greed portrayed in two different ways, one being the integration of excessive capitalism into society, the other being social structure based on oppression. Not everyone’s reading into Loki like this but it’s a change from how Marvel usually approaches conflict.

We learnt about the characters and whilst I’m not a fan of when a plot line is moot (my bet is that Loki and Sylvie will be rescued next ep, making all the attempts to get off Lamentis - 1 pointless), it’s necessary for the characters to develop. The way Loki and Sylvie end up on Lamentis - 1 makes sense and the plot doesn’t feel forced.

“It’s remarkable that you made it as far as you did.”

Devils is recurring in this episode. Maybe this has implications on future episodes?

“Which one was that, diplomacy?” Why are their interactions so funny?

I don’t think I need to comment on the significance of the train station scene.

I would like to acknowledge that though this is good writing that’s relevant in the time it was released, we shouldn’t forget it’s coming from large corporations who aren’t perfect.

How do they just walk past the line?

The people who snitched were right in front of them.

Did the cat get Loki’s silvertongue? That was the most graceless lying I’ve ever seen.

Sylvie not sitting with her back to a door makes sense, but why won’t Loki go backwards on a train? They both have little quirks.

“That’s not a plan. That’s just doing a thing.” Loki went to the Thor school of planning, it’s Get Help all over again.

Loki’s exaggerated nods at the other guards lol.

Sylvie growls whenever she’s mad, it’s hilarious.

The close ups of their faces when the conversation gets personal and isn’t just trading jabs is great for conveying the authenticity of their answers.

Loki not pressing Sylvie when she clearly didn’t want to talk about what happened to her mother is something I appreciated.

Here’s to Tom for having to do magic for more than 10 years now. He’s so serious, I can only imagine how funny it is without the effects.

“Well she did.” Yeesh, has Loki gotten time to grieve?

Sylvie is genuinely impressive.

“Pity the old woman chose to die.”

“She was in love.”

I don’t quite understand what they were talking about then, I guess we’ll find out later?

Loki, why are you so unnecessarily dramatic?

I laughed. Who am I kidding, they’re dorks and I love them.

Loki is trying to find out anything, anyone who could be used against Sylvie.

Here’s to the postman, they’re probably dead but we appreciate Sylvie’s happiness anyways.

“A bit of both. I suspect the same as you.” AND THAT’S HOW YOU WRITE IN REPRESENTATION FOLKS!

Let’s just take our scraps and be happy, eh? It made my week.

They both need real relationships of any kind, guys.

“Love is… uh, something I might have to have another drink to think about.” Me whenever anyone asks me about my love life.

“You do realise… ...a civilisation’s only hope?” I think this was Sylvie’s way of making sure Loki’s (albeit grey) morals and drinking habits don’t interrupt her plan.

The train sure gives me Snowpiercer vibes.

Do I have to talk about Drunk Loki?

Tom’s singing voice is lovely.

Sylvie’s eyes shift nervously to the door and then back to Loki. She’s initially tense but she relaxes slightly though she knows she’s gonna have to clean up the mess.

“Nobody cares. It’s the end of the world.” Again, Loki’s headspace is one where existence is futile.

The green walls contrast the purple lighting nicely.

You can see plants (?) from the outside if you look out the windows. Talk about attention to detail.

Bruh what is the dagger about? Drunk Loki’s a comedic genius.

The descending notes in the background of Loki’s fireworks.

Sylvie’s smile when she goes to attack is animalistic. I’d like to see her character explored more in terms of how she views violence.

YEET.

“You’re right. I’m a god.” Loki’s defense mechanism is to state that his motives are above the understanding of others.

“You’re a clown.” Sylvie tells it as it is.

Loki and Sylvie’s reactions to the TVA contrast the most here. Sylvie is potentially motivated by vengeance or a need for revenge whilst Loki has resigned to numbing the pain (for now at least) as he comes to terms with his reality. The question of what drives you is so important for these characters, I’m excited to see whether they’ll find a common ground and wreak havoc on the sacred timeline.

Loki and Sylvie both struggle with communicating in a healthy way. Sylvie calls him out on his directionlessness and Loki tells her what may be the harsh reality of her plan. Neither of them are willing to accept it, but there’s potential for a strong bond if they do.

Sylvie’s scream lmao.

I love the colour of Loki’s pants.

Problem? Solution! Do thing! Is Sylvie’s method of thinking when all is lost.

Gosh I love the shots in this episode.

“That’s a pretty good life.” Sylvie’s definitely not lived as a royal, or not from what she remembers.

“I just need to know if I can trust you.” Sylvie giving up how she enchants people is an olive branch because as useful as the things that Loki told her may have been for manipulation, they both know the importance of her upper hand. But she only relents once Loki doesn’t have the TemPad. Later, when she asks whether she can trust Loki, it’s more of a reassurance because he’s already been vulnerable around her.

The actor’s body language and facial expressions are incredible. Loki’s eyebrow’s furrow slightly when Sylvie mentions C-20’s mind but Tom takes a second for the information to be processed rather than instantly reacting to Sophia’s next line. She does the same when Loki talks about the TVA workers being created. What skilled people they are.

The city is a wonderful piece of set design.

“We do, and you can.” They step into the light, neither of them have tunnel vision and are able to see a bigger picture.

“They’re gonna let these people die.” This show explores a side of Loki we haven’t seen before, his morality and compassion. He has grey areas that could be explored in the next season. It also points back to how Sylvie and Loki differ in their view of others. I think this is partially because of their childhoods. Loki was raised as a prince and cared about his people, but Sylvie doesn’t share that perspective (“...they usually survive”), maybe because of her past. Hopefully in the upcoming episodes we’ll get a bit more of her backstory.

That sequence is beyond words. The constantly rotating and revolving camera really hammers home that it’s a disorienting fight for their lives at the end of the world. I’m speechless, just watch it.

The music in that blue-purple-pink club was banging tho.

Loki and Sylvie’s posture, facial expression and general body movement is similar. The variant point is hammered home here.

It’s interesting how Loki is in shock/denial of the Ark being destroyed whereas Sylvie immediately leaves.

The end music of this episode is beautiful. I love how it all builds to leave us on the soft tones of Dark Moon.

No one’s interested, but my mum and I bonded over the Jim Reeves version of this song and the Bonnie Guitar one.

Ep 3 review

Short episode with not much going on other than character development. However, if the first two were anything to go by, this episode will have greater implications on the plot. The pacing of this show is a bit strange, but we may see this change in the next season.

I mentioned previously that it would be a shame if the entire plot of this episode was made irrelevant by how they get off Lamentis - 1 next ep. This show has been really good at keeping us on our toes with the writing so they probably won’t take turns that have been speculated.

Happy mid-season guys! The following two episodes were apparently Tom’s favourites so we can expect some mayhem up ahead. See you next time!

Here's the link to my Ep 2 review

#loki #loki review #loki (2021)#i've stayed inconsistent in all these tags and i'm not about to change #my opinion #opinion #loki spoilers #spoilers #spoiler

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thenexusofsouls · 4 years

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9) Which of your muses do you identify with the most? Why?

{i am the caretaker of souls} So I actually answered a very similar question a while back, so I’ll just re-tweak my answer a bit because it hasn’t changed much. Of all the muses I write, this might surprise you... XD

Welp… time to get super embarrassing, haha. Honestly the muse I identify with the most out of all the ones I have on this blog and others is… Tony Stark. Now, I am not a genius, or a billionaire. I know nothing about robotics, very little about physics, and next to nothing about nanotechnology other than what the Metal Gear Solid series taught me (I’m in environmental microbiology, so that’s a completely different field). However, at a core human level, Tony and I have several things in common. All negative, heh. I’ll share the process of how Tony became a muse for me, even though it’s sort of an embarrassing one for me, because I find it interesting on a psychological level. The majority of my muses I wanted to write either because I thought they deserved better and wanted to move beyond and improve upon what their canon material did for/with them, or because I was moved by their story, personality, or another quality they possess. But I never wanted to write Tony. Up until recently, I didn’t even like him.

So… I had never watched the Iron Man movies at first. I saw all the Avengers and Captain America movies, even Captain Marvel, a couple Thor movies, Black Panther and the Guardians of the Galaxy movies are next on my list of ones to catch up on. Anyway, I always hated Tony. I thought he was a shallow, crass, arrogant asshole who only cared about himself. I really disliked him almost to the point of hate, and to be frank, I ignored him out of dislike or lack of interest the majority of the time when watching Marvel movies. Really loving characters like Wanda and Vision from the comics and coming to love Pietro in the movies didn’t help, because there’s a lot of anti-Tony sentiment there and bad history between them, or at least misunderstanding. But then I thought okay, this is a major part of the franchise that I’m missing, and I should just watch these movies and get them over with, for the sake of being thorough and informed.

The first Iron Man was okay. Good story. Learned a lotta stuff about him I didn’t know. He was never a character I read in the comics, so I’m not familiar with him outside of MCU. Then I watched Iron Man 2 and I hated it. But Natasha was in it, so… score. Then I watched Iron Man 3… and I had exactly five panic attacks… and my perception of Tony completely changed.

I have chronic anxiety. It manifests mostly as social anxiety, a fear of loss of control, a fear of public embarrassment, mild germophobia (an interesting thing for a microbiologist to have, but hey sure why not), and something called catastrophizing, whereby I fret, worry, mull, and stress over every possible worst case scenario and poor outcome to a situation and anything even remotely bad that could happen to me in the foreseeable future. It wastes a lot of psychic energy, lemme tell you, and if it gets bad enough, I have panic attacks. Before I saw Iron Man 3, I never considered myself a person who could be triggered by anything. I’m going with the actual real definition of triggering here, as in resulting in a panic attack, flashback, or other severe psychological reaction to something. Sure, I have topics or visual imagery that upsets me. I think everyone does to some extent. But I was never triggered by anything and never thought I could be. Apparently, I was wrong.

After watching Iron Man 3 for the first time and having five panic attacks over two hours (I average maybe one or two a month... and I’m defining a panic attack as elevated heart rate, sweating, ringing ears, tingling feeling in my scalp, sometimes tears, hands shaking, feeling cold all over, teeth chattering, and a feeling of urgency or hyper awareness), I was more fascinated than upset, honestly. Panic attacks are a weird thing for me because very often I will feel rational and calm mentally but my body is going haywire, so I’m sitting here watching this movie like… why is this bothering me? I was obviously bothered, but I didn’t know why.

So I asked a friend of mine who had gone to school for psychology, and he asked well, when did they happen? I don’t remember all of them, but for example, they occurred during the scene where Tony has a nightmare and Pepper basically calls him immature and leaves him despite the fact that he’s begging her to stay. And then again when he has a panic attack while driving and has to stop driving. And then again when that little boy kept pressing him like, “Are you on medication? Should you be? Are you upset? Are you panicking? What are you going to do now?” and he just wouldn’t stop and Tony kept getting more and more panicky.

I have always been a very empathetic person, whether I wanted to be or not. I see those starving children and abused animals on those TV commercials and I cry every time. I watch movies and cry because I see other people crying. It’s terrible. Well, apparently, my friend thought that I was empathizing with Tony during moments when he was the most not okay, and that was triggering my own anxiety. When Tony would have a panic attack, I would. When he would lose control of a situation, I would panic about it myself. When the coping mechanisms and carefully constructed social façade fell and he was actually genuine with someone only to be rejected harshly, it upset me immensely and triggered another attack. It made a lot of sense to me… both my own anxiety and my empathy coming together to both sympathize with and be triggered by this character who has some very severe mental health issues.

From that moment on, I saw Tony differently. I went back and re-watched the Avengers movies, the Captain America movies… and I was able to see him in a completely different light. Looking through the lens of my own struggles with anxiety, coping mechanisms, and trying to look and act normal when I’m not okay because being perceived as not okay is like death, I suddenly realized that I understood Tony a lot more than I ever wanted to, heh. It was shortly after that that I realized he’d become a muse for me, when I couldn’t stop thinking about and analyzing and teasing apart the mess that is his psychology and making sense of it… which is easier for me to do than I ever would have expected.

I don’t have a nice neatly wrapped ending to this rant, except to say that Tony was a muse I never expected to have, but now I am so protective of him (and don’t ship him with Pepper because reasons) and I have really come to love writing him. He definitely is the muse I relate to the most on THIS blog. On ALL blogs, I think that would probably still hold, with Wanda Maximoff being a close second.

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xxx-cat-xxx · 5 years

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absolute top favourite tony h/c fic recs?

Thank you for the ask and sorry for taking so long to answer! I have a recommendation section here on my blog, but I extended it a bit and posted it below:

Cat’s Tony hurt/comfort fic recs

Long works

If you’re up for a dark, violent, and incredibly touching and well written novel in which Tony and Peter are broken and put back together countless times, go for How to repair a broken heart by InfluentialPineapple. In my opinion, it’s one of the best pieces of literature ever written anywhere, even outside of the fanfic-realm. It describes a journey on which Tony and Peter slowly grow together, and although it´s terribly sad and extremely whumpy, you can see the love the author has for their characters in every single line. Injury, illness, violence, torture, anxiety, PTSD, this one´s got everything, so please heed the TWs.

Dark Memories by @trammelsb: This story is centered around child (sexual) abuse. But it is so much more than Tony suffering through flashbacks and panic attacks (although there is a great deal of that) and being comforted by his team members, especially Bruce, his partner. It is about Tony going through a great deal of character development, learning that he is not to blame for what has happened. The author doesn´t shy away from all the heavy topics, but she also never ceases to treat the characters with respect, In the end, it seems to be a story about not giving up, and despite all the pain it causes when you read it, the feeling that stays is that it´s worth to keep fighting.

Arc Tremors by @rose-on-the-mountain: 44 epic chapters of Whump and the kind of fluff that is not fluffy at all, rather makes your heart overflow with emotions. It´s Avenger-family centric, including Pepper and Rhodey and wonderful robot characters, themed around an illness that forces Tony to go through a difficult heart procedure. Everyone’s shadows and traumas get their due, and it balances darkness and light admirably well.

One Hell of a Show by MillyVeil: Clint and Tony get kidnapped and tortured. Heavily. This is one of the physically most brutal whump-fics I know - Milly is like the Tarantino of fan-fiction - but god, it´s well done. TWs for detailed descriptions of rape and violence.

Resistance by thegraytigress: Tony and Steve are captured by the Kree and held in a concentration camp-like environment for months. This is a slow-built, well thought-through love story with a lot of pain and a deep exploration of Tony´s and Steve´s characters as well as their emerging relationship. It has one of the best and most realistic aftermaths to traumatic experiences that I´ve ever read. It’s basically a book worth of heavy, heavy, heavy physical and emotional whump. Please mind the TWs.

She’s my Ride Home by OfMonstersAndMe: The most beautiful recount of how Nebula’s and Tony’s friendship develops in the 23 days they spent in space. Lots of great hurt/comfort scenes and spot-on characterisation.

450 Feet Under by Veldeia: Tony is trapped in a cave with no way out. The Avengers are on the way to get him, but when he gets seriously injured, the rescue mission becomes a race against time. 15 chapters of absolutely satisfying whump, snark, and feels. Background Stony. Simply brilliant!

Short(er) Works

Basically all Tony fics by @builder051. I especially like this Pepperony Christmas fic and this Nat & Tony cave anxiety fic.

Strong Enough by Ranni: Steve, Tony, and Clint are held prisoner, but the real danger begins when their captors abandon the prison to let them die in their cells. Injuries, torture, pneunomia, great dialogues. Platonic relationships between the three men, really touching, but not cheesy. Ranni is one of my favourite writers, and all her other stories are equally intruiging. Monsters and Beloved Companion also have a lot of Tony Whump.

Five Times Bruce is Not That Kind of Doctor™ + One Time He’s Perfect For the Job by @whumphoarder and @awesomesockes. The most amazing mix of humour and whump you’ll ever find. I love all their fics, so some more of my Tony Whump faves are The After Party and Desperate Times.

@taylortut writes beautiful and touching fics in which Tony gets whumped around other Avengers. Mostly h/c with illness or injury (and some adorable daily-life drabbles).The stories are generally light-hearted, but not at all superficial. I still can´t decide which one is my favorite because I love all of them, so I´m putting up the general link to Taylor´s Blog. Find her here on A03.

The Minor Fall, the Major Lift by sahiya: This one is about Bruce coming back to the compound after Civil War, trying to pick up Tony´s broken pieces. It has the best characterization of Tony, Bruce and Rhodes I´ve seen in a while now. Everything about this fic seems fragile, the characters, the conversations, the shaky comfort they manage to build. It´s slow-paced, and it´s not a fix-it-all, and this is what makes it so good. Sahiya is one of the best writers out there and her series “Me through Him to You” is printworthy.

Bruce and Goose´s Truce by @twentyghosts: After Infinity War, Tony is saved from space. Bruce medically examines him while being heavily flirted at, then they bathe together, and Tony cries, and Bruce holds him tight. Everyone is more than a little broken, but it´s okay, because they have each other back. More Tony Whump in Cold, Comfort and Unmasked.

nimentia by TinyFuryCloud: Tony and Steve have been married for more than 20 years when Tony is diagnosed with Alzheimer´s disease. This story is so terribly well done. The whole process of Tony slowly disintegrating, slowly getting lost, but somehow, somewhere, still being Tony, is recounted in precise detail with just the right mixture of matter-of-fact descriptions and emotions. Also, A+ characterisation of everyone who is and was part of Tony´s life, including Peter and Jarvis.

Hubris by @writingromanoff: Tony gets kidnapped and tortured by Justin Hammer. Tortured, as in forced to walk for days and days in the desert without a drop of water, and that´s just the beginning. When Steve finally shows up, Tony doesn´t even know whether he´s real anymore. I still can´t decide whether the whump or the whump´s aftermath is better in this one, both are very well described. Heed the TWs (torture and humiliation, obviously, as well as ED behaviour and others). By the same author: somno, the best concussion fic in the universe, and Blue Lips, Blue Veins, which is on some other level of genius alltogether.

Just a rather very intelligent system by @darkestsight: Seven instances of Jarvis taking control over the suit and saving Tony´s ass without anyone noticing. Not all of them are sickfics. Chapter 3 is my personal favorite and contains a physically and emotionally beaten-down and extremely tired Tony; chapter 5 has him dealing with PTSD and chapters 6 and 7 involve him getting injured. I liked the idea of it and enjoyed the interactions between Tony and Jarvis.

Pressure Point by ratherastory: Another migraine fic, with a very precise description of the pain Tony´s in and a nice amount of Starkasm. Steve as caretaker. Can be read as Stony, but doesn’ t have to. Pain and vomiting.

Home by @saber-wing: All Tony wanted was a cup of coffee. But then Thor’s Asgardian monster pet decides to try and eat Tony’s leg for breakfast. Excellent whump, Avengers family feels and a lot of humour. The author has many more amazing whump fics!

I Can´t Exactly Hold Your Hair Back by SirSapling: This is based on the comics and not the movies. It features Tony with cancer and Steve taking care of him on one of his bad days. I like this one for its slow whump build-up. Stony. Tags for migraine, vomiting, mentions of cancer.

Bust a gut, Tones by @whimsicalethnographies: Tony has appendicitis and Peter is the only one who realises it. Perfectly balances between humour and seriousness.

Fool’s Luck by @msermesth: Steve arrives on his doorstep exactly three hours and twenty-seven minutes after Tony finishes the last word of his eulogy. LOTS of pain. TW alcohol abuse, angst and suicidal thoughts. This is short, but extremely well done.

don’t let the blue skies fade by @blancheludis: This starts as a mission-gone-wrong fic with a perfect whump setting (of course Tony has to hide his injuries from everyone) and character depth that focuses on team dynamics and the evolving relationship between Tony and Steve.

Side Effects by discipulapauper: Steve and Tony are stuck in the desert, and Tony discovers that the serum causes unexpected complications when Steve doesn´t get food and water for a long time…Nice whump scenes, good characterization and mostly non-cheesy, non-stony dialogue. Featuring heat stroke symptoms and hallucinations.

Presenteeism by Veldeia: Tony thinks it is a good idea to send an empty suit along with the team on a mission while riding out his hangover alone somewhere in the middle of Russian nowhere. Too bad his hangover turns out to be something worse…

Mohini´s prompt fill for Nov(emeto)ber 5 by @mohini-musing: Tony is sick and Bucky doesn´t really know how to handle it. A short but greatly written fic with emeto and fever, no WinterIron.

My own fics : 40+ stories of physically and/or emotionally hurt or sick Tony

#fic rec #fic recs #hurt tony stark #sick tony stark #tony whump #tony stark whump

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sueboohscorner · 4 years

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#AgentsofShield Season 7 Episode 3 "Alien Commies From the Future" Recap and Review

The episode starts with two teenagers in a car in the desert. He tells her that this is where he saw a UFO. She thinks he’s kidding, but then they see the Zephyr.

The Zephyr’s controls lock up when it jumps, so they should have been flying when it happened. As it is, they kinda crash. Thankfully, they’re in Area 51 in 1955. Happens all the time, right?

The Chronicons are having a meeting with the boss lady from Bones. In this reality, she’s known as a predictor and is the one that has been guiding the rest of them.

Before anything else, Mack reminds everyone who is in charge. His plan is to find the Chronicon ship.

LMD Coulson pops in with some trivia. AREA 51 WAS A S.H.I.E.L.D. BASE! I love it. At this time, they are running a project called Helius, which was a failed ion fusion reactor. Deke explains; however, that in his time ion fusion reactor were used as weapons that destroyed ships.

Mack and Yo-Yo talk in a stereotypical 50s diner about what’s been going on with her.

Daisy and LMD Coulson talk about May and the crappy parts of American history until their mark walks in.

His name is Gerald Sharp, he works for the Department of Defense, and they kidnap him after Daisy drugs his coffee with sweetener.

May walks in as they’re discussing the plan and they explain that they have sent Coulson and Simmons into the actual base.

LMD Coulson is impersonating Sharp and Simmons is impersonating Peggy freaking Carter. They are shown into the lab and proceed to be completely adorable.

Mack and Yo-Yo interrogate Sharp. He’s a dick who uses slurs and think they’re communists. Needless to say, he doesn’t crack.

Simmons and LMD Coulson try to provoke emotional responses in the scientists, with amusing results. The head scientist comes in and asks them what to do about the VIPs arriving. Let them in.

One of the VIPs is DANIEL SOUSA!!!!! While I love him and love seeing him, he’s totally going to blow Simmons’ cover.

Daisy and Deke talk about her ordering him to shoot someone. He’s not the same guy that he was in the future and he doesn’t want to be.

Daniel makes Simmons.

LMD Coulson continues to make people cry until Daniel has him arrested. LMD Coulson is, of course, a massive fan.

Sharp made the mistake of insulting May and she almost killed him. They all look at Deke as the one guy he might listen to because he’s a white guy.

Daniel walks in on Daisy in his office. She pretends to be CIA.

Deke talks to Sharp, who tells him that there is nothing on Earth strong enough to power Helius. This gives him an idea. The Chronicons can power it the same way that Enoch powered the monolith in the future: by using themselves as batteries.

As Deke is realizing this, a Chronicon is overriding the system.

May and Yo-Yo infiltrate the base as pilots and throw a canister of tear gas into the lab to find the person that doesn’t react. May has a panic attack and Yo-Yo is still having performance anxiety, so the Chronicon gets away. Neither of them want to talk about it.

While May and Yo-Yo have distracted the base with an alarm, LMD Coulson respectfully locks Daniel in the cell that he had put Simmons and LMD Coulson in to talk to Daisy.

Helius is starting up.

Sharp is free and sees their ship. Mack tells him that he can explain. Then he punches him, because he doesn’t want to.

LMD Coulson tells the main scientist to evacuate all the VIPs.

Mack and Yo-Yo have another chance at the Chronicon, as she plugs herself into Helius.

Simmons wants to use the proto-EMP to turn off Helius. There is another Chronicon that attacks as she’s working. LMD Coulson engages him.

May and Yo-Yo fight the female Chronicon. She starts choking Yo-Yo while trying to plug in the other end.

Daniel interrupts LMD Coulson’s fight and the male Chronicon takes him on instead.

Simmons gets the EMP to work. This destroys both Chronicons and short circuits LMD Coulson, for lack of a better term.

Deke and Mack pretend to be aliens so that Sharp won’t talk about what happened. He runs into the diner and tells them that he got abducted by alien commies from the future. It’s really satisfying that everyone is going to think he’s a nut job for the rest of his life, or at least until Thor.

Daniel is my precious baby and that is really all that I need to say. 8.5/10

#Agents Of Shield #Agent of Shield #Agent Carter #AgentsOfSHIELD #Agents Of Shield Season 4 #AgentofSheild #AgentofSheild Recap #AgentsOfSHIELD Recap #AgentsofSHIELDRecap #AgentsofSHIELD

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thetiredbiwrites · 5 years

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Bright Smile

Reader x Loki (Platonic Reader x Bucky, Platonic Reader x Thor)

Prompts: 2- I just wanted to see you smile

108- Don’t leave

33- You’re not alone anymore and you never will be again

Summary: The avengers don’t approve of Loki and reader’s relationship and aren’t afraid of letting her know.

A/N: One day I’ll post regularly. One day. Been struggling to manage my life lately tbh. Between work and uni and everything, my anxiety has been kicking my ass. (I cried in front of my boss, kill me now). I have many ideas, a couple I’ve written up but doubting them. Hopefully I’ll get more up soon because I actually enjoy writing when it’s not uni work, even if it’s not that great, who cares, I like it 🤣🤷‍♀️

Also my first Loki writing 😬🤞

words: 3717

Y/N was happier than she had been in months. She had just been informed that Thor was returning. Which meant that Loki would also be returning.

Y/N and Loki had been together nearly a year and a half. A couple years after the battle of New York Thor had come back with Loki in tow.

Y/N had immediately seen the difference. He was quiet, stuck by Thor and, even though he kept his face and posture neutral, she could see the guilt in his eyes.

The Avengers, along with the rest of the city, were not happy with him being back. Thor had tried to explain in a calm manner, but they wouldn’t have it. He knew Loki wasn’t the best person, he hurt many people, including the Avengers. But it wasn’t entirely his fault and the Avengers needed to know this. If only they would listen.

Thor was a patient man, but even he had his limits and he loved his brother. When he snapped, yelling at his teammates, thunder clapped outside. That shut them up.Thor explained about how Loki had been taken, tortured and manipulated after he fell from the Bifrost. That the septre influenced him just as it had done to others. He was being used to attack New York, and the rest of earth, by the Chituri and someone else. Someone Thor was determined to get to.

Loki hadn’t wanted to return, knowing the damaged he caused. He was the God of Mischief; he likes to play games on people and trick them a lot. Especially Thor, he always fell for them. But he had become aware that his actions in New York were not acceptable and during his imprisonment on Asgard, he worked through what had happened. The truth about his past, his parentage and the manipulation.

Thor was glad to have his brother back and determined to prove he was not all bad. He could, in fact, prove to be helpful.

The Avengers concede to Loki staying on earth, but he was always to be watched. If he left the tower, someone had to be with him. By ‘someone’ they meant Thor. No one else wanted to deal with him, so he was kept under Thor’s supervision.

Over the following months, he found himself growing fond of Y/N.Thor enjoyed Y/N’s company. She was always intrigued to hear about Asgard and his adventures and just as enthusiastic to answer all his questions about Midgard. With Thor spending plenty of time with Y/N and Loki stuck with Thor, he got to know her as well.

It was a couple of months before Loki and Y/N talked directly, without Thor.

Loki often spent nights laying in his bed, room next to Thor’s, wishing he hadn’t given into Thor and instead stayed in his home. They had grown to accept him much quicker than the Midgardians. Although, he was raised as Asdgard’s prince, along with Thor, who they all trusted.

He had been pulled from his thoughts by the shuffling of feet past his room. His curiosity got the better of him. There were only three rooms on the floor he inhabited; his, Thor’s and Y/N’s. It was certainly not Thor as he could still hear the snoring through his wall.Y/N was seated in the kitchenette each shared floor had, mug in hand, watching the night life of New York below the tower.

Loki couldn’t understand why it was so difficult to find the courage to walk up to her. To ask her if she was ok. Why he even felt the need to know. But he eventually did. She genuinely smiled at him, something he hadn’t received from anyone since he arrived, and invited him to sit with her.

For a while they sat in silence. Watching the still busy streets at 3 in the morning. Loki understood why New York was ‘the city that never sleeps’.

Slowly and quietly, Y/N explained that she had a nightmare. She may not work in the field; she worked in the lab, on tech, schematics, behind the scenes type of work; but she still encountered enough.

Loki admitted to his own troubles sleeping. It surprised him how easy it was to talk to her. To tell this Midgardian things he had never said to anyone else.

It didn’t take long before they were in a comfortable conversation. Talking and laughing about Earth and Asgard, Thor and the Avengers, Y/N tried explaining some of her tech and Loki his abilities. Loki couldn’t help the smile on his face when Y/N laughed at his tale of stabbing Thor by pretending to be a snake. Thor loves snakes.

He found himself intrigued by Y/N and their nightly conversations became a routine for them. They grew closer and no matter how much Loki wished to deny his feelings, he was falling for her.

It wasn’t long before they kissed and admitted their feelings. For the following month and a half, they had kept their secret from everyone. Even Thor. He wouldn’t judge them, but they doubted he would be able to keep it from the rest. Until Thor and Loki had to return home.

The Avengers still didn’t know about their relationship but knew they had grown close. They thought they were friends and didn’t like it. They let Y/N know that every chance they got.

Y/N had tried to change their opinions of Loki. Reminding them about his torture and manipulation. Of how much he had helped them and even saved their lives since his return. But, like hypocrites, the Avengers wouldn’t give him a second chance.

By the time they returned a few weeks later, Thor had found out about the relationship. Surprisingly, he didn’t mention it to anyone. Didn’t even hint at it.

Loki and Thor were here and there over the following year. Never usually gone longer than four weeks. Keeping it a secret was going well until the last time they were back.

No-one usually came to their floor, so Y/N and Loki didn’t feel the need to hide. Unfortunately, something urgent came up in the middle of the night and Steve himself had come up to wake Thor.

Loki and Y/N were standing in front of the windows, where they spent their nightly chats. Loki’s hands gently placed on either side of Y/N face, thumbs lightly rubbing across her cheeks. Y/N’s hands rested on Loki’s chest, their lips connected.It wasn’t a messy kiss or a desperate kiss. It was sweet and loving. A kiss of a couple.

Steve was shocked and angry. A “what the hell?!” burst from him before he could think. Loki and Y/N leapt apart, fear etched on Y/N’s face and the three of them stared at each other in the darkness. Waiting for someone to make the first move.

Thankfully, Thor walked out, yawning and running a hand through his bed hair, demanding to know why he was woken. Steve had silently pointed at the couple, not taking his eyes away. Thor had brushed it off, not phased by old news, and asked why the captain was present at such an hour.

Steve had elected to ignore what he saw until the urgent matter had been dealt. Leaving Y/N to panic for the following 15 hours. Terrified for the outcome of everyone knowing her secret relationship.

She was right to be.

As soon as the mission was over, the matter dealt with, Steve alerted the others to what he had witnessed. What followed was a mass of yelling, questioning and insults thrown at Y/N without allowing her a chance to speak.

“what the hell are you thinking?”

“after everything he did to us?! To the city?!”

“he’s evil. He killed people.”

“he’s pretending, he’s tricking you. He is the God of mischief, a trickster.”

“You’re an idiot. You’re blind. He’s going to hurt you.”

For the following 30 minutes, Y/N was bombarded with hate from her ‘friends’. Thor and Loki hadn’t been there, leaving to their floor the second they landed to deal with a message they had received.

Once Y/N had managed to escape, she hid herself away. Curling into herself and crying until FRIDAY informed her that Loki was looking for her. She brushed away the tears and put on a brave face.

The message came from Heimdall, Thor and Loki needed to return to Asgard immediately and it was unclear when they would return. Y/N stayed brave as they said goodbye, telling each other ‘I love you’ before parting.

It hadn’t gotten easier for Y/N. It only got worse. The others wouldn’t speak to her. They didn’t invite her to hang out with them, or to events. They even kept her away from missions if they could. They took their tech to Tony or even Bruce to avoid her. Some of them even left the room when she entered. Y/N had stopped using the shared kitchen, opting to do what she could with the kitchenette on her empty, lonely floor.

It wasn’t just the Avengers, it was everyone else that worked in the building. It hadn’t taken long for word to spread. Soon enough everyone was whispering about her and her relationship.The only person who spoke to Y/N was Bucky. He had only been around a couple months when news of her and Loki was revealed. He wasn’t around during the battle of New York and wasn’t one to judge without knowing.

He had seen her walking around in the middle of the night, having decided it was easier to work when everyone else was in bed, and made the effort to talk to her. He didn’t have to be trained to see the pain and loneliness on her face.

He was still shy and adjusting to being around so many people, but he stayed and listened to every word she said. About how Loki didn’t have a choice, that what they did to him still brings nightmares. The fears and hurt he felt about how Odin lied to him, about who he really is. That no-one made an effort to know Loki, who he is when he’s free to be himself. How kind, gentle and loving he could be, honest and patient, but also funny. She loved him so much. But now he was gone, and she was alone. She lost everyone, but she loved Loki more than she thought possible and he loved her more than she had ever been loved that she didn’t want to lose him.

Bucky had listened and he understood. He too had been used by someone else to do bad things. Granted he had no choice whatsoever, but he could relate to being tortured and manipulated into things you would never choose to do. To feel guilty for the things you did.

He hated to see Y/N so broken up. In the brief time he had known her, she had been so friendly, so kind-hearted and compassionate. She was funny and smart. And she most certainly didn’t deserve the treatment she received just because of who she loved.

He still had his own troubles sleeping and made a point to join Y/N at night. Keep her company and show her she wasn’t entirely alone. It helped him too, kept his mind from his own horrors. Chatting, laughing and learning about the 21st century. He was glad to call her his friend, but he struggled to bring up the matter with Steve, failing the couple times he had tried. She had asked him not to the last time he had because she didn’t want him and Steve to argue. Not after all they had been through. So, he kept his routine, hoping it helped her at least a little.

And now, after nearly four months, Loki and Thor were finally back. Y/N had chosen to greet them back on their floor, avoiding the reunion with the rest of the Avengers.The brothers didn’t seem too put out when they entered their floor, used to the hostility Loki received from them that they didn’t acknowledge it or recognise it was different. So, Y/N chose not to say anything either. Just glad he was back.

But Loki isn’t an idiot. Thor may not be the most observant, but even he noticed by the end of the week. Y/N was not happy. She didn’t interact with the avengers; she spent her time either in her lab or on their floor. The only person they had seen her talk to was Bucky.

By the following week they had heard the whispers around the building. They noticed the way the avengers looked at their ‘friend’. They saw the pained look in her eyes and the sadness her body held. Loki missed her laugh and when she did smile, it wasn’t the bright one he loved.

He wanted to yell at the Avengers. To hurt them as they hurt her. But he chose instead, to make his beloved happy again. No matter what.

This didn’t stop him from being petty. Such as “accidently” passing salt instead of sugar for people’s coffee or using his magic to mess with them, but only slightly. Just enough to frustrate and annoy them. Subtly moving Tony’s tools when he put them down, a fly that wouldn’t leave Steve alone, tripping Natasha from across the room and so on.

But Y/N was his focus. She had been locked away in her lab all day, working on designs and building tech to help the team, even though they hadn’t asked for anything in months, when Loki practically dragged her away and back to their floor for a surprise.

The sight before her left her stunned. In their spot by the window, Loki had set up a fort. Pillows, sheets, fairy lights, the whole deal. Their usual drinks ready and her laptop out.

“I don’t know how to use it but I thought we should watch some of those movies you keep talking about”, Loki admitted.

He became worried by her shocked face, the tears in her eyes making him believe he had done something wrong. But Y/N was quick to pull him into a kiss, bright smile as she held his face and told him it was perfect.

“But why?”

“I just wanted to see you smile.”

He also admitted that Thor had assisted, wanting his favourite Midgardian to be happy again. Neither of them pleased with how the avengers were treating her but that making her feel loved was more important than revenge or at the least, a yelling match.

This continued for a month. Loki and Thor doing things for Y/N, whether it be in the tower or out in New York (mostly on Thor’s part), big or small. Getting a smile on her face or a laugh out of her was the aim and achieving this made them happy. She continued to have her conversations with Bucky, but usually when Steve and the others were out instead of the middle of the night. He was also doing better so tended to actually be asleep at night. He was just as happy to see her smiling.

Y/N knew it would happen eventually, but she wasn’t ready. She had overheard Thor; he was needed again and would be leaving soon. Which meant Loki would go too. He always did.

“Don’t leave.” Was the first thing out of her mouth once she found Loki, sitting in their spot reading a book.

“What do you mean, love?” Loki put his book down, turning to her in confusion.

He grew concerned at the fear in her face. Tears welling in her eyes.“I heard Thor. You’re leaving again. I don’t want you to go yet. I don’t want to be alone.”

Loki embraced Y/N, holding her tight in his arms as the tears slipped down her face. The Avengers didn’t deserve her. How could they hurt someone so perfect? He wasn’t going to leave her alone with them again. She may have Bucky, but that’s one man against the whole team. And he’s a man still healing himself, it would be unfair to pit him against them.

Pulling back, he kept his hands on Y/N’s arms, looking in her eyes and promised he wouldn’t leave her.

“I don’t care how, but I’m staying with you. Either I’ll stay here while Thor goes, even if I’m confined to this floor, or you can come with us. I’m sure they would love you on Asgard. I should have taken you sooner, really.”

Thor had returned to the floor and agreed with Loki, their people would indeed love Y/N and he was sure she would love them. He was also worried about leaving her behind.

The three made their decision.

Soon enough they were in the shared kitchen-living area, faced with the Avengers. Thor announced that he would be heading back to Asgard and not only Loki, but Lady Y/N would be joining too. That their only other option would be leaving Loki with Y/N in the tower.

This was not received well. The avengers all started yelling over each other.

“Like hell reindeer games is staying here unattended!”

“She is not leaving with him!”

“Who the hell thought that was a good idea?”

“Those are not the only options, Y/N will stay here, and Loki will go. He should stay gone as well.”

“We should have never let him back here.”

“Has she not learnt yet!”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Enough!” Loki hit his limit. Y/N was close to tears, arms wrapped around herself, eyes planted on the floor, unable to look at her ‘friends’.

Even Thor’s face radiated anger and Bucky had subtly moved away from the group, eyeing Steve, more than the others, in disbelief.

“How dare you treat her like this. You claim that I will hurt her. That I will use her. I will abandon her. But I haven’t. I never will. I can’t imagine being without her. Leaving without her hurts me. Being away from her pains me in ways I never imagined. And yet you people, claiming to be the good ones. Claiming to be her friends, her family, are the ones that hurt her. You used her and abandoned her. She does everything for you, treats you all with such friendship, compassion and sympathy. Even these last months where you all treated her with disgust and hate, when you ignored her and left her alone, she continued to do things to help and protect you. You are all hypocrites and she deserves better. Judging her because of me is disgraceful. I accept it because I have done wrong, even though all of you have too and are granted second chances. The Black Widow, raised in the Red Room, KGB agent, killed many. Tony Stark, previous owner of a weapons company, profiting from war and death. Even you dear Captain, claiming to be pure and good, but fail to follow rules and orders when you believe it is wrong. Committing illegal acts to get what you want. She deserves better than you lot and she will get it with us. In Asgard. Where she will be respected and loved.”

Thor stepped forward, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder, stopping him before his words turned physical.

“My brother is right, you have not been the good men and women you claim to be. I brought my brother here to atone for his behaviour, that he was not in full control of, to people who are all about second chances. Changing who you are to be a better person, and instead you have given him nothing but hostility. Despite how much good he has done, how much help he has provided. You still present with hate. Hate which has spread and you have lost the greatest of you. She will come with us because I don’t want to leave her with you. I don’t want to return to see the misery and loneliness I saw this time. To hear the whispers and see the vicious looks she receives. She does not belong to you, she has made this decision.”

The avengers were left speechless. All of them guilty and unable to look at Y/N who was looking at the brothers in awe. Tony presented with the most guilt. The first to look at Y/N, tears in his eyes as he realised his hate for Loki had blinded him. Y/N had been like a sister to him, and he not only pushed her aside, but treated her so horribly.

Bucky made his way over to his new friend, pulling her into a hug. Pulling back, he looked down to her, “you are going to love up there. You better tell me all about it when you return.” He smiled before placing a brief kiss on her head as she nodded.

Bucky turned to stand next to Y/N, with Thor next to him and Loki on Y/N’s other side. He pointedly looked at Steve, who was confused. He had no idea this friendship had evolved and so deeply as well. He too came to realise how terrible he had been.

Loki turned to Bucky, “thank you, for being the only other Midgardian I like. For keeping my love happy and not alone while my brother and I were away. I do hope you continue to find yourself and be truly happy as well.”

Bucky smiled and nodded once in response to Loki before sending Y/N one last smile and moving away, taking a stand off to the side, ready to let them leave.

The avengers started to make a move, try and say their apologies. But the brothers weren’t going to have it. Loki grabbed Y/N’s hand in his, rubbing a thumb across the back, and turning her away from the group. Thor followed as they made their way upstairs to collect their belongings and leave. The Avengers could wait until their return, whenever that will be, to say their apologies and make amends.

“You’re not alone anymore, and you never will be again.”

Those were the final words Y/N heard before a bright light surrounded them. When she re-opened her eyes, the most beautiful scene was before her. The bright smile on her face didn’t fade.

#avengers imagine #avengers reader insert #loki x reader #loki imagine #please send requests and comment #love to hear what you think

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iron--spider · 5 years

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Worried that Tony Stark is going to die in Avengers: Endgame? Do you want proof that he logically shouldn’t and the citations needed to die on that hill in the event that the powers that be do the unthinkable? Well step right up, fans and friends, because @whimsicalethnographies and I have compiled everything you might need, from canon quotes to future promotional appearances, that prove Tony Stark is not destined to die, and if they do kill him, they are ignoring the path that they laid out themselves and are thus causing his character arc to fail.

Here we go:

Canon evidence

“Don’t waste your life, Stark”

“A man with everything and nothing”

Both of these quotes are referencing family. Yinsen was referring to his own loving family, and Tony revealed that he didn’t have one (of course it’s hinted that this is Pepper—she’s supposedly his frantic text when they’re first attacked—but he doesn’t explicitly have it or her yet). Yinsen’s sacrifice was not for Tony to become Iron Man. It was for Tony to have a life, to have a family. What he didn’t have in the beginning and what he wanted to stay alive for. Tony ultimately fulfilling Yinsen’s true wish for him to stop isolating himself and make a family would be the most satisfying way for Tony’s story to end.

Yinsen is able to die peacefully because he has family that has already passed, and he wants to see them again. There is no way Marvel can properly parallel this because Tony’s family (the ones he genuinely loves anyway, other than his mother) are still alive, or still in the future (his children). If he dies he will leave everyone behind. The love of his life will still be here, and he’ll never be able to have children. If Pepper is pregnant, this is even worse. He will have a child, as he wanted to do, as he was looking forward to doing, but he will never meet it. This is especially cruel.

This would be a gross subversion of Yinsen, and ruin any meaning the character actually had in Tony’s life. He wanted him to be more, to have more, and to Yinsen, more was a family who was waiting for him.

In IM3, a little boy in a restaurant ominously whispers, “How did you get out of the wormhole?” It’s heavily implied that that line is entirely in Tony’s head as he’s descending into a panic attack and represents his fear of the unknown, and his fear of how he’ll handle the unknown, essentially finding the man behind the Mandarin mask who is coming after the people he loves AND fear of what he’ll do if he doesn’t have his armor to protect him. He obsessively spent a year(ish) building suits (of questionable quality) to keep that unknown away. By the end, he’s faced *that* fear, the fear of who he is without the suits. His anxiety/PTSD shifts from that point to Thanos himself, but he doesn’t yet have a face or an actual explanation until Infinity War, even though the magnitude of it is ramped up in Ultron by Scarlet Witch using the power of the Mind Stone. This is the start of facing an unknown, and if it follows the narrative comparison, coming out on the other side victorious, better, and stronger as a person. Rising above and moving on, not dying in the process, continuing to carry the self-inflicted weight of the entire universe.

“A famous man once said, ‘we create our own demons.’” Dying when he comes into contact with and defeats his true demon—“my only curse is you”—is not giving Tony his good ending.

An article on Iron Man 3, arguably the most important movie in Tony’s arc https://filmschoolrejects.com/finding-the-place-of-iron-man-3-in-the-marvel-cinematic-universe/

“Tony is defined by his desire to set arms down and leave war behind; Steve is defined by his inability to do the same”

“If Marvel really wants to give Tony the ending he deserves, they’ll let him live. Fans will continue to push their predictions down the pipleline until they eventually come true, but the arc laid out for Tony, starting in Iron Man 3, is clear. He needs to let go, but he can’t. The conclusion of Tony Stark’s arc isn’t death; it’s learning to pass responsibility on not to an army of robots, but to the people he trusts. After ten years, Tony Stark deserves his time in the sun.”

Tony’s PTSD - it would be a punch in the face to those of us with anxiety/PTSD/OCD who identify with him. He's got one of the most realistic portrayals of mental illness in film, and the powers that be acknowledge that, and it would SUCK for a company like Marvel to rip it all away when he's almost to the point of letting go of the responsibility he's carried—rightly or wrongly, because Thanos would still be collecting those stones even if Tony had never been in that cave—since the beginning of his story. Dying? That's not letting go. That's saying "sorry you went through all this, it sucks and then you die, because it really was all YOUR responsibility and you have to suffer to fix it."

In Ultron, Helen Cho says Tony’s “bulky metal suits will be left in the dust”. Tony says that’s “exactly the plan”. He wants to retire. He wants to be able to stop being Iron Man so he can live his life.

“Isn’t that why we fight? So we can end the fight and go home?” Tony in Ultron. None of this has ever been continuous for Tony. He’s consistently been heading towards his future goals and fighting when he has to—he gets derailed because he feels it’s his duty to step back in. He does not seek out the fights, and he doesn’t necessarily want to be a part of them. He wants to make his life and that’s where his narrative is heading. If it doesn’t make it there, it fails. He fails.

“Maybe I should take a page out of Barton’s book. Build Pepper a farm, hope nobody blows it up.” “The simple life.” “You’ll get there one day. “I don’t know. Family, stability...the guy who wanted all that went into the ice 75 years ago. I think someone else came out.” End of Ultron conversation with Steve. Tony wants to settle down, buy a farm for Pepper (representing retirement and the start of his family). He is the one, out of himself and Steve, that is actively seeking to “tap out” of the fighting life so he can be with Pepper, and start a family. Steve says “I’m home” when he hears the soldiers chanting.

Wedding conversations in Civil War, Homecoming and Infinity War. The amount of mentions this has is huge. It would be a major hanging thread if it never happens.

The original plan was for Pepper to be pregnant during CW, however this was changed to put Tony in a darker place. They are going for Dad-Tony eventually, and that wasn’t conducive with where he was in CW. Yet.

Happy has been carrying “that thing” since 2008. Would they really do that to Happy/Jon Favreau, perhaps the other father of the MCU as he directed Iron Man—have him carry the ring for 10 goddamn years just to cut that storyline off with no resolution? Happy deserves to see this man-child he’s chased around forever get married and settle down.

Specifically, “Wong, you’re invited to my wedding.” It would be a terrible subversion if instead he goes to his funeral.

And per the writers (who also wrote the CA movies),

Markus: Things always shift in the writing, but I think we all knew where it was going and it was a matter of how best to get there so that it feels most satisfying or most earned. What was that adjustment process like? How much did the script have to change from when you were breaking it in 2015 to when they went to film it? Were there big things that you had to account for that you just hadn't had any idea about? Markus: Because of the other movies? No. I don't think there was anything massive that we had to change gears for. There were things that became better because of the value that the other movie had acquired. https://www.etonline.com/how-the-avengers-endgame-writers-arrived-at-the-most-satisfying-ending-possible-exclusive-123477 That would be an absolutely collosal shift to wipe it away entirely

The baby conversation in Infinity War. Why set all this up so blatantly if they weren’t going to use it? For a cheap emotional rug pull? Tony wants children, not just another set of his genes in the world.

And Pepper’s response; she doesn’t want children if he’s still Iron Man, for fear that he’ll be distracted, or something worse. If she’s going to have a kid with him, she wants him there. If the point was simply a baby, not a baby AND Tony, this is pointless exposition. Also, Pepper has thought Tony was dead at least four times: IM1, Avengers, IM3 and IW. Would they really make her watch it happen for real after that? Rob her of her family and make her worst fear come true, right in front of her eyes?

Tony as Odysseus - A lot of us—who've watched and identified with this character—realize that this is an Odyssey, not a Tragedy. Odysseus makes all kinds of mistakes while trying to get home, but he gets there, after 10 years. And then,

“As for yourself, death shall come to you from the sea, and your life shall ebb away very gently when you are full of years and peace of mind, and your people shall bless you. All that I have said will come true.” He makes it home. He got super lucky a lot of times, but he made it home, to his family. He found his everything.

“You’re a hard man, Odysseus. Your fighting spirit’s stronger than ours, your stamina never fails. You must be made if iron head to foot.”

Alternate translation- “You’re a hard man, Odysseus, stronger/ Than other men, and you never wear out, / A real iron-man.” (both quotes taken from starkravinghazelnuts, http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/181064173168/so-i-did-more-research-about-tony-steve-and-thor)

Promotional

https://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201812/6461/ Tony Stark is heading up a new rollout in Disneyland parks. Speaks for itself, they’re making Tony have a very strong presence in the parks. Disney is for kids, kids love Iron Man, and they will be aware of his death and reminded of it when they see him and Stark Industries everywhere on their family vacation. Longtime fans will also have to deal with this. If they were actually going to kill him, why would they make his presence in the future of these parks so big?

“In California and Paris, Tony Stark is retrofitting two of his father’s Stark Industries sites into new hubs for training and innovation. Through partnerships with S.H.I.E.L.D., Pym Technologies, Masters of the Mystic Arts and the new Worldwide Engineering Brigade, The Avengers and their allies will forge new global campuses to champion the next generation of heroes.” We know Hank Pym hates the Starks because he feels Howard betrayed him by trying to replicate the Pym Particle. As Scott says, “Hank Pym always said you could never trust a Stark.” How does this work, unless there is something forward that allows them to establish a better relationship? This can’t be retrofitted to anything before a potential Endgame end.

https://youtu.be/0tW77VFKQC0 https://youtu.be/EVIu43xSeYY In the Ant-Man and the Wasp ride, they collaborate with Tony/Iron Man in their ride mission. You see him, they speak to him, and it seems like a new storyline. It connects to the Iron Man Experience’s storyline, the ride they already had there in Hong Kong.

https://www.playstation.com/en-us/games/marvels-iron-man-vr-ps4/ upcoming Iron Man VR game. It would be very morbid playing this game, from Tony’s POV, if Tony is dead.

That giant Iron Man statue for Endgame in Hong Kong (https://www.timeout.com/hong-kong/news/a-giant-4-5m-iron-man-installation-and-life-sized-avengers-have-taken-over-hysan-place-041219). Imagine coming across that thing if you just saw him die. It’s staying up until May 13th. Do they want it looking like a place of mourning? A monument with flowers and notes? Shit, that’s a spoiler in itself that I don’t think they want. It would also be incredibly depressing.

https://www.tmz.com/2018/01/12/avengers-4-wrap-party-cake-drops-clues/ Endgame wrap party cake. If Tony died, he would be on this thing. It wouldn’t even be considered a spoiler because Iron Man is literally the face of the MCU, so people wouldn’t look twice at it. But his absence does say something—that they didn’t think they needed to pay tribute to him here, because he is still around to pay tribute to later, if need be. This cake is implying different characters are in peril, with certain hands shooting up out of the ground. But Iron Man is only represented with his logo on the bottom, as are all the rest of the heroes. If he died, he’d be the centerpiece. More on this theory by starkravinghazelnuts http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/180160474003/the-cake-theory-proposes-that-cap-nat-and-bruce

Cast quotes regarding Endgame

Gwyneth - (on a picture of her and RDJ) “you know I will be this guy’s Pepper any time he needs me” why would she say this if he’s dead? If he was dead and she didn’t want to spoil, she didn’t need to say anything at all.

And this wasn’t a one-off referring to playing opposite him, she was referring to Tony/Pepper, after an interview in which she said she was probably done, but would come back for a day if they wanted her.

Gwyneth again - https://www.etonline.com/how-the-avengers-endgame-writers-arrived-at-the-most-satisfying-ending-possible-exclusive-123477 “Pepper and Tony have had a real long journey together. She obviously starts as his dutiful assistant, and then the relationship evolves, and now this decade later they're married, and they have a child. Their relationship has evolved in all of the ways that great romances evolve.” Now, I always saw this as—Gwyneth was done filming when this quote was given. She was aware of the end of her character’s journey, so this is obviously something that happens at the END chronologically. Why would she reference something smack dab in the middle of the film, especially if it was just going to be erased by time travel/quantum realm shenanigans? She’s also wearing an engagement ring and a wedding band in some interview photos where she’s in costume. Plus, possible/probable spoilers…….Pepper is going to be suiting up as Rescue, which really knocks off the possibility of a mid-movie child for Pepper and Tony. It would be completely against her character to suit up and leave a kid behind, considering how much flack she gave Tony for his suits before, and how her hesitation to have a child hinged on Tony re-inserting his arc reactor. Plus, on a more emotional note, Gwyneth refers to Tony/Pepper as a great romance, and it is. But I feel like she and Robert combined would not be happy at all if the writers were to destroy this great romance by killing one of its members. That way it falls flat, it never finishes, it doesn’t get its rightful end. I feel like she and RDJ (who has significant sway over what happens to Tony) would argue against this happening. This is a great romance, and those end in happily ever afters. This isn’t West Side Story. This is a Disney movie.

Evans - https://youtu.be/bH0frwdtmXM (when asked to describe the movie in one word on GMA) “Satisfying. It’s like TV shows, the final finale—how many times do they stick the landing? How many times do you walk away saying that went exactly how I wanted it to go? This movie—I think they deliver, I think they really do stick the landing in terms of, you know—addressing the arcs and really finding a completion.” I think this definitely speaks for itself. The arcs are important and we know what they are. One of our main concerns is them tossing out the true endings to these arcs for cheap, cruel emotional shocks. If Chris says specifically that the arcs are addressed, then we know what that SHOULD mean for each character. Plus, saying “that went exactly how I wanted it to go”? I don’t believe any genuine fans want deaths. Especially fans with children. People who genuinely care about these characters want to see them succeed and live to reap the rewards. So saying it went “exactly as I wanted it to go” and that they “stick the landing” bodes well for things ending up nicely for our heroes. Nothing in his speech here screams death.

Hemsworth - https://www.digitalspy.com/movies/a27110673/avengers-endgame-chris-hemsworth-interview/ also uses the word cathartic. Nothing about Tony dying would be cathartic. It would be sickening and depressing and we wouldn’t get anything out of it.

Taika Waititi https://www.express.co.uk/entertainment/films/1082838/Avengers-Endgame-Korg-Taika-Waititi-Thor-Ragnarok-Avengers-Infinity-War-MCU-Marvel “They keep their cards so close to their chests, but from what I’ve heard, it wraps up everything in a really great way." “It feels like the fans are getting rewarded for hanging around for 10 years and watching all these films.” “Because the more you know about the characters and the stories and stuff, the more satisfying this film will be.” These feel particularly important. A reward would not be killing the biggest character in the MCU. And he mentions the fact that really knowing the characters makes everything more satisfying. We all know where Tony is heading, and what he wants. These quotes particularly point to Tony surviving, and maybe everyone surviving.

Scarlett - https://wegotthiscovered.com/movies/scarlett-johansson-calls-avengers-endgame-beautiful-valentine-decade-madness/ “a beautiful valentine to a decade of madness” Not ‘my bloody valentine’. A gift full of love for the people that have been here for ten years watching these characters grow.

RDJ - https://twitter.com/our_rdj/status/1118891286763798528?s=21 https://twitter.com/caplovesfondue/status/1118764023397249024?s=21 https://twitter.com/MCU_Direct/status/1119043210553249792 “I guarantee you that this will pay off. This Avengers Endgame, I’ve said it before, is our finest hour.” “The last eight minutes of that movie are maybe the best eight minutes in the entire history of the whole run of them, in a way. Because everyone’s involved. So I was delighted.” Both of these quotes, from the man himself, the man who loves Tony Stark with his entire being, do not feel like a Tony death at all. Because if we know Tony, we know what a payoff for him is. It’s getting the life, the family he’s been fighting for since the beginning. And as for the second one, logically, eight minutes does not feel like enough time to send Tony off in an out-of-left-field death. And I think our final battle will be longer than eight minutes. So I personally believe he’s referring to the wedding. He loves Tony/Pepper enough to hold their wedding in extremely high regard. He’s always delighted with Tony’s happiness and Tony advancing in his journey, especially with Pepper by his side.

“Cathartic” - https://www.latimes.com/entertainment/herocomplex/la-et-hc-avengers-endgame-press-conference-20190407-story.html said by the Russos at the press conference

“Satisfying” - https://www.digitalspy.com/movies/a27110673/avengers-endgame-chris-hemsworth-interview/ , https://www.etonline.com/how-the-avengers-endgame-writers-arrived-at-the-most-satisfying-ending-possible-exclusive-123477

“Earned” https://www.etonline.com/how-the-avengers-endgame-writers-arrived-at-the-most-satisfying-ending-possible-exclusive-123477 When you think about Tony, you do not think his death is earned at this stage, because so much is left hanging that his story has been calling for since moment one. What would be “earned” for Tony is him marrying Pepper. He has more than earned that. She has earned this wedding, too.

Misc (POTENTIAL SPOILERS)

Tony has sacrificed over and over and over again, in almost every movie we see him in. Doing it in Endgame would be a rehash of the same storyline, and sacrifice is not something Tony has to learn. He already knows how, he’s already willing. He needs to learn how to live. Bringing him to that realization at the end of it all would be the most appropriate route to take.

Iron Man 1 - he implores Pepper to hit the button, even though she tells him, “but you’ll die.”

Iron Man 2 - while it could be said he would be killed by the presence of the reactor itself, JARVIS explicitly says the use of the suit is accelerating the palladium poisoning that is killing him. Tony doesn’t stop. Part of this could be attributed to his reckless end-of-life attitude, but it’s clear from the Senate hearing—he wouldn’t have stopped

The new element is obviously something in itself. While the IM2 novel called it vibranium, this was retconned in CA, and then set up for more in Captain Marvel when it was revealed the project involving the Tesseract was called Project Pegasus, first called that when Fury dropped off Howard’s things at Tony’s mansion. Tony withstood the power of the Mind stone in A1 with the arc reactor, and then again in IW when Thanos unleashed the power of the Power stone on him and the suit merely blocked it. The suit is literally powered by the Space stone, much like Carol is, and for IM2-IM3, the Space stone literally powers Tony, which is more than you can say for a Mad Titan. Even Hulk doesn’t have the power of the Space stone behind him. You don’t hang a gun on the wall unless you plan on firing it later.

Also tied into IM2 - “if you could make a god bleed” … Tony is the only one to actually injure Thanos.

Avengers - Tony lays down on the wire. The arc set up by Steve’s comment is fulfilled when he flies the nuke through the wormhole. He knew it would probably kill him, which is why he tried to call Pepper.

Iron Man 3 - he sends his suit to Pepper first, when the “Mandarin” comes for him. Then in a deleted scene, he removes his arc reactor to save Harley’s bully, and nearly dies before Harley puts it back

Age of Ultron - Tony, despite wishing to go home and buy Pepper her farm, is willing to stay with Thor on the flying rock, even though he knows he could die, it’s his responsibility to fix this.

Civil War - this is a bit of subversion, as Tony is in a dark place and never needs to sacrifice his life. But as we saw in IM3, Tony IS Iron Man. And he’s willing to turn over power of Iron Man, which he wasn’t in IM2, to a higher power. He’s willing to give up his autonomy to keep the rest of the team out of jail and assuage his guilt (he’s starting to see the repercussions of bearing it all on his own). We can have discussions about who was right about which part, but Tony was willing to sacrifice a big part of himself.

Infinity War - duh. He got on that spaceship. He was planning on it being a one way trip (which incidentally, is why Pepper wasn’t keen on a kid). And then he took Thanos on one-on-one. And then, the look of despair when Strange gave up the stone to save him? He was more than willing to die.

Endgame - eventually, he will be willing to try, even if it means his death, because he’s always been willing to sacrifice himself. Remove that burden from his shoulders.

(It is interesting to note that the one time Tony is not in the position to sacrifice his life is in Spider-Man: Homecoming. When he is in the overseeing/mentor position, which could be his role in the MCU after Endgame, and when he’s starting to take up the role of “father figure”, which he should also be after Endgame, but to his own biological children as well. He is however, appalled and terrified at the thought of someone else, this crazy Spider-child who’s just a bit too much like him, being reckless and willing to sacrifice himself. Maybe Tony needs to take a bit of his own advice.)

The endings of the Iron Man movies are all tonally upbeat and to end Tony’s story for good on a “downer” note does not go along with his storyline --from starkravinghazelnuts http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/181110494893/avengers-endgame-is-said-to-be-the-end-of-many-of

The Infinity Saga is Tony Stark’s arc. Every other character, including Cap, is ancillary. Every character is where they are because of a Stark. What happens to him will be the defining characteristic of the Saga, and it isn’t set up to be a Tragedy.

RDJ says the last eight minutes of Endgame has “everybody” involved, which would obviously include Natasha, who is extremely important. Which contradicts the reddit “leaks.”

https://twitter.com/stevcrogvrs/status/1118853707280601088?s=21 Chris Evans says if Steve had a choice, he would go back in time to be with Peggy. Since he was able to say this, there’s no doubt that it doesn’t happen, as the Marvel spoiler snipers would have switched from Mark to Chris and put five holes in his head before he hit the ground. This contradicts the reddit “leaks.”

https://comicbook.com/marvel/2019/04/19/avengers-endgame-hawkeye-black-widow-relationship-jeremy-renner/ Jeremy Renner also says Clint and Natasha’s relationship will last “forever”, which seems to underline their closeness and how much they mean to each other. All of this contradicts the reddit “leaks”, which describe a horrible thing happening to the two of them that wouldn’t ever actually happen if they were to stay in character. Plus, Chris Evans apparently called these dudebros out and straight up denied their “leaks”, so these “leaks” have no veracity either way.

When asked to draw their favorite characters, Anthony Russo drew Iron Man and Joe drew Spider-Man. The Iron Dad relationship is obviously going to be important in the movie, and it would bode well for these characters to get a good ending in the movie if they’re the very favorites of both directors.

RDJ is screening Endgame at his house for family and friends on Easter Sunday. Would he really ruin a holiday with a movie in which his character dies an unwarranted death?

There has not been a wedding in the MCU yet. What would be a better way to end the MCU’s first romance than with the MCU’s first wedding? We’ve had a funeral already, for a side character, and that was bad enough. Imagine how horrible it would be to witness Tony Stark’s funeral as the ending for Endgame. That does not seem like the kind of feeling the Russos want to leave us with. The wedding seems far more appropriate for a movie of this scale and importance.

The chess theory (courtesy of starkravinghazelnuts) — “The last piece to discuss on the chess board is the King piece. This piece is the game winner. Once your king is check-mated, the game is over, and your opponent wins, regardless of the score. The king chess piece is the piece you must protect the most and the one you cannot live without. Many experienced players may find themselves utilizing the king in an attempt to gain an advantage over an opponent, something weaker chess players are leery of doing. No matter how you choose to use your king piece, he must stay alive at all costs.” Tony and Thanos are the Kings on opposing sides. The king must be kept alive in order to win, which is why Tony should make it to the end of the film intact. Thor also literally mentions someone “playing an intricate game” and says that person “has made pawns of us” at the end of Ultron when discussing the Infinity Stones. http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/181491397743/starkravinghazelnuts-quite-frankly-this-is-the

Two very important meta pieces by starkravinghazelnuts, who has essentially been funding my positive attitude for a while now http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/182086909963/looking-back-over-everything-i-still-feel-really http://starkravinghazelnuts.tumblr.com/post/182017989478/i-agree-with-you-the-rhodey-show-sounds-good-but-i

https://fanfest.com/2018/08/16/the-russos-reflect-on-iron-man-being-the-heart-and-soul-of-the-mcu/ “I think, in a lot of ways, he is the heart and soul of the Marvel universe,” Infinity War co-director Joe Russo said during a video interview with Wired. “He’s a fascinating character, a character that we love because he is imminently flawed and we like characters that are challenging and express their humanity and I think Tony Stark does that as well as any of the characters. He started off as a narcissistic alcoholic and grew into a hero which, I think, makes him imminently relatable and signifies what the Marvel universe stands for, which is character first and the heroes are defined through the choices that they make.” The Russos love Tony. And you cannot live without your soul, you cannot live without your heart. No matter what you say about Tony, losing him to death would leave a massive, gaping hole in the MCU. Keeping him available to return is the safer bet in almost every regard.

https://youtu.be/f0Ai05cUQoM “If there were no RDJ, there would be no MCU.” - Kevin Feige. RDJ started it all, and Tony shouldn’t die, his presence should remain. He should be able to pop in and out as he sees fit. They know his star power and how important Tony is to the MCU.

https://www.newsarama.com/39526-rdj-as-iron-man-irreplacable-but-will-eventually-leave-says-avengers-infinity-war-directors.html “One closeup from RDJ is worth another actor’s entire performance, he’s incredibly gifted and insanely talented” - Joe Russo. May be a weak reason, but would they really...make him permanently lost to them? They’ve expressed interest in coming back. Would they really banish their most talented and lucrative actor to the darkness of a character death for a cheap shock?

https://youtu.be/5ljluGA4dQU (around ten minutes in) In the Jimmy Kimmel interview, they show the clip they’ve been showing everywhere of Carol’s meeting with some of the Avengers. Jimmy points out that RDJ isn’t in the clip, and he asks if that means something bad for Tony. RDJ says “No, no, no. Not in the slightest.” He could and probably is referring to the fact that Tony is definitely alive at this point, sure, but his attitude and the way he says it points to an overall confidence about Tony that bleeds over to the viewer. In fact, Robert’s whole demeanor during this press tour has been one of pure joy. He is having the time of his life, dancing and laughing, moreso than we have seen before. It could be a man enjoying his last tour with a very special group, but, somehow, I don’t believe someone who loves Tony as much as RDJ does would be this happy if Tony died. Especially if Tony’s death was unwarranted and out-of-left-field, which it absolutely would be if it happened. And this is in contrast to Chris, who has been, while not sad, far more reserved.

Some on-point thoughts from some of the few sane people on reddit:

“After Infinity War went out of its way to establish Thanos as a physical embodiment of Tony’s PTSD (“he’s been in my head for 6 years,” “My only curse is you”, *author’s note: see also above with coming to face an unknown fear like in IM3*), the idea of him ultimately defeating Thanos by killing himself is like... morally reprehensible as a message. I’d like to think Markus and McFeely would know better than that, but honestly, I’ve felt since Civil War that they don’t have the best grasp on his character. Edit: someone asked me in a PM to elaborate on this, so I’m just gonna go ahead and post what I wrote just in case anyone’s interested. Ok, this is gonna be kinda long, but I’ve been sitting on this for a while. so Iron Man 3 was the beginning of Tony’s new character arc that’s gone from phase 2 up till now. In phase 1, his whole journey was learning not to be selfish, and to be willing to put himself on the line to protect others. Avengers 1 completes that arc, and Iron Man 3 sets up a new conflict, where he’s driven entirely by his trauma from the events of The Avengers. He’s obsessed with protecting the world from threats beyond his control- we see it in Iron Man 3 with the house party suits being products of his anxiety, and in Age of Ultron with the Ultron program. He feels like it’s his responsibility to be everyone’s protector, and he’s desperately clinging to any sense of control he can still have in a world that he now realizes is much bigger than him. In Infinity War, he finds out that the event that left him traumatized was orchestrated by Thanos, and for the rest of the movie is driven by a single-minded need to confront Thanos directly and put an end to him, in order to finally be free of the PTSD that’s dominated his life for 6 years. By taking on that responsibility and ambushing him on Titan instead of reaching out to his support system (Steve + the other Avengers), Tony inadvertently puts everything he cares about at risk. In the context of Tony’s story, Thanos is his trauma- and Tony’s defeat on Titan is a direct result of his compulsive need to carry the burden of that trauma alone. So to then have him sacrifice himself to defeat Thanos in Endgame essentially sends the message that “yes, it is a good thing to bear that trauma on your own, and in fact, if you can’t see any other option, killing yourself is an acceptable solution.” It sends a horrible message in the context of the ongoing story, and it doesn’t tell us anything new about Tony as a character- we already know he’s self-sacrificing, it’s been his defining character flaw for four movies already. It’s just a really poor way to end his story.” — msg53

“This. Tony’s arc has been about letting go of his ego while learning to rely on others. His first step was handing Stark Ind. over to Pepper. He tried letting go with Ultron, but it failed cuz Ultron was just an extension of himself. Then he started seeing how being a mentor/father figure could help a kid in need of both (Peter) and the eventual next step should be family and real retirement while others defend/avenge Earth, once he’s done with his Thanos curse. Aside from Thor, His death would feel the most gratuitously out of sync with his journey of all the OG Avengers.” —VictorVonDoomBots

(special shoutout to cuddlebirb over there, consistently fighting for Tony rights)

The absolute nastiness to take out their main character, their cash cow, the one that started it all, when he’s got so much still hanging simply makes no sense. They would leave people with a sick feeling in their stomachs over this movie. People would not be happy with the turn of events, they would feel cheated out of a proper ending for the main character of the whole franchise. It would not be an event movie, it would be the movie that Killed Tony Stark. It would be tainted, and I don’t think the Russos want that. I know they say they think about their own reactions when writing these films, but they’ve gotta be smart enough to realize what a mistake this would be for the die-hard, longtime fans.

Plus, this is an ending to one generation and a lead-in to another. They don’t have Stan anymore to do their cameos, and some people will be on edge about whether to continue. Having RDJ hang around to do cameos and show up here and there to help the new heroes will put people in those seats for the upcoming films. His fifteen minute presence in Homecoming made many people go see the film that wouldn’t have otherwise. They need a hero that people know and love to remain a constant, even if he’s not in a starring role, and Tony Stark is the perfect person to do this. He always helped the younger heroes in the comics, and he’s already taken the mentor mantle with Peter. It’s a natural progression.

The amount of suffering that Tony has been through in the entirety of the MCU and in Endgame in particular, should lead to him finally getting something good in the end, a retirement where he gets to relax and let someone else carry the weight of the world instead of him, for once. Endgame will begin with Tony in extreme anguish, sick, hurt, sad and alone (save for Nebula). In the end, he should be healthy and happy, surrounded by the people who love him, with his future bright, full of possibility, and free of threats because Thanos is gone. That is simply good writing and good bookending. The writers shouldn’t be in the business of torturing Tony for torture’s sake. If he begins in such a dark place, he should end somewhere promising.

Happy’s behavior in FFH trailer. Tony is Happy’s best friend. Would the man be acting so chill, flirting with May, if his BFF just died? It is confirmed that FFH takes place minutes after Endgame. Plus, in a deleted Infinity War scene that featured Happy, Tony says that he and Pepper should set him up with someone. Would that someone be May?

Pepper is literally Tony’s endgame—he says it himself, “in the end, it’s always you.”

#tony stark #avengers endgame #avengers #marvel #endgame speculation #this is massively long but i think it really gets its point across #there is just way way too much pointing to his survival #robert downey jr #rdj

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lokis-lady-death · 5 years

Text

The King of the Gods Pt 5

Tom Hiddleston/Loki x reader

Lady Death: This is a sequal to the Interview with a God series I completed a few months ago. This picks up months after the original story ends. If you haven’t read IWAG, HERE is a quicklink to Part 1 or you can find it on my Master List !

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

The King of the Gods Part 5 (WARNING: This chapter is very emotional; alcohol and depression triggers)

For all the pain erupting through your body, there was a numbness inside of you that created a pit in your chest. Though your cheeks were still sticky from the tears you had cried while leaving Asgard, none graced your eyes as you rode in the passenger seat of the Escalade David drove. Normally, you would be in the back with Tom, but not now.

'Never again,' you sourly reminded yourself.

After finding you in the woods, spit out of the Biftost like it rejected your very existence, David wrapped you in his jacket and carried you out. When he tried to set you in the backseat you sharply requested to sit up front with him.

He didn't pressure you, gently setting you in the passenger seat without question before hoping in the car himself to put this place behind you both.

The two of you rode in the darkness with silence until getting to town. In the most forced way possible, David cleared his throat.

"Do, uh…. Do, Do I need to take you to a hospital?" he asked uncomfortably.

"No."

"Are… are you okay?"

"No." You swallowed hard as your eyes caught the green reflection of your dress in the window. You pulled his jacket tighter around you.

"Sleep," you whispered to yourself, "I need sleep."

It was quiet another few minutes before Dave pressed further, "Y/n? I know I haven't known you very long and I know it really isn't any of my business, but…" He couldn't help but cut his eyes over at you, taking in the way you had reclused into yourself, bringing your knees up to your chest and hugging your legs. "But you know, if anyone did anything to you, anything to hurt you, I'm a safe person, I mean, not to sound weird, but you know if something bad happened, I can take you, ya know, to go talk to the police, its-"

"No!" It hadn't even occurred to you what this must have looked like from his point of view. Sighing, you answered,"No one did anything. Tom… To-Tom and I broke up."

"Oh," he processed. "Ok, but that still doesn't explain-"

"How did you know where I was?" you interrupted.

The question caught the driver off guard, but he answered, "Chris called. He said he needed me to come get you, and then said my services are no longer required. I'm supposed to still be paid out through the rest of my contract which is good I guess but…" He paused. "I don't really know what to think about it, to be honest. What exactly happened? Where's Tom?"

"He left," was all you managed, slinking further into the seat while your forehead pressed the cold glass. It was somewhat soothed to the throbbing from beneath your skull. "He's not coming back."

David's brow furrowed. Taking it all in, he wondered, "Then I guess you won't be staying at the hotel anymore?"

That hadn't even occurred to you. Closing your eyelids, you felt the sting of all your sobbing. They were dry. Too dry. "No, I guess not."

"So how about I help you get the stuff together and take it back to your place?" The offer took you off guard enough that you turned to look at him. Still watching the road, he shrugged his shoulders, "I mean, it's the least I can do. And if Tom's not coming back, his stuff doesn't need to just stay there for house keeping to pawn on eBay."

"Yeah." You managed to sit back up in the seat, taking in a deep breath before saying, "Thank you, Dave."

David smiled sadly, then turned up the radio to some talk show you tuned out. When the two of you got to the hotel, he walked you up to help clean out the room.

However, once the doors opened and you looked out into the room you had spent months wrapped up in the arms of Loki, the place you last made love, the small corner of the world that had been reserved for just the two of you, you felt such a sting in your chest you couldn't bring yourself to move.

You would never see him again.

He would never be returning.

This bundle of luggage was all you had left to remember your relationship with the god of mischief.

Dave lightly tapped your shoulder as he presented a rolling cart. "How about we just pack it into the car?" he suggested after watching your inner turmoil begin to bubble to the surface in twitches. "That way you can just go through it when you're ready?"

You nodded and helped him load the trolley to carry all of your and Tom's belongings down to the Escalade. One by one, you loaded the bags into the back before heading to your old apartment.

David was kind enough to help tote things up to your place, making a few trips since your apartment didn't have the equipment to help. When it was all said and done, you and Dave stood in the middle of your living room, looking down at Tom's life stacked in a few large duffle bags and boxes.

"So he's really not coming back?" he asked quietly.

You nodded your head, handing him back his jacket. "Thank you, Dave. For everything."

Taking in a deep breath, he shrugged the coat back on before reaching into his pocket and handing you a business card. "I may not work for Tom anymore, but should you need anything, please call me." He gave you a small hug, something he had never done before but you appreciated the sentiment all the same. It was hard to let go, knowing he was the last person on Midgard that tied you to your relationship with Tom.

'With Loki,' you corrected.

When David finally left, you looked back out into the apartment you had all but abandoned.

Mail you collected when you came by every once in a while was piled up high on the counter, the kitchen was spotless from months of no use, and in your bedroom, your bed remained untouched.

You dragged your feet, landing with a thud on your couch in front of everything that had been brought from the hotel.

You stared at it for several minutes before gaining the strength to look inside the first bag. It was all things you had seen numerous times, clothes, a few books, some fan memorabilia. But when you pulled out his black long sleeve shirt, you were taken back to the night you truly felt connected with Loki, finally beginning to open up and let you see him as himself. Standing up, you stepped out of the Asgardian gown from Elsa and slipped the shirt over your head. Bringing the fabric up to your nose, you breathed in the remaining scent of your god of mischief.

Casting a glance at the balcony, doors bolted closed, you realized you hadn't stayed the night here since Hela forced that image of Loki killing you into your head. Looking around one last time, you felt a nausea start to creep up your esophagus.

It was all too overwhelming.

"I can't stay here," you breathed out, feeling a light panic in your chest. The memories, they were all too raw, it threatened to eat away at your sanity, causing your heart to pound. In a hurry for no reason other than fighting an anxiety attack, you gathered a few needed items into a purse, slipped on some leggings and shoes before bolting out the door.

You needed air.

*****

After watching you fall through the bifrost Loki solemnly followed Odin back to the palace, keeping to himself. His father bid him goodnight, poorly soothing his son with, "It's best not to dwell on dealings with mortals. You'll see, in the end she made the right choice for you both."

Loki didn't answer, instead he drifted his way through the corridors like a ghost, keeping his eyes low while he tried to run through what could have possibly made you leave the way you did.

Barely looking at him, not speaking a word.

Simply disappearing from his life like he had meant nothing to you at all.

Once he looked up, he realize he had unconsciously brought himself back to his old bedroom.

Walking inside, he sank into the mattress, resting his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his hands back past his face, lacing his fingers through his hair before letting loose a truly animalistic howl.

"Brother?"

Loki looked up, surprised to see his brother standing in the doorway holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a set of golden goblets in the other.

"I thought you may could use some company-"

"No."

The response was short as Loki glanced back down at his fists in his lap. Thor shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, trying to think. "Are you sure, I can just sit with you, drink a little… We, We can talk about-"

"What did she say to you?" Thor froze, eyes wide as Loki got up from his seat. "Surely y/n said something to you that led to you sending her back to Midgard," the crowned prince pushed, taking a few steps towards his brother, "She loved me. She said she just needed time, why would she do this? Why would she leave without saying a word to me?" His eyes glassed over from unshed tears as he wondered, "What have I done to deserve absolutely no explanation?"

The god of thunder looked like he wanted to speak, but with a sweat forming on his brow, he averted his eyes before answering, "She loves you, Loki. I know she does, and you need to know she does. But this isn't her life, she wasn't raised to live in the world of gods and you know it. She built a life on Midgard, a good life."

"I could have given her a good life here, but she didn't even give me a chance!" Loki roared, catching his brother off guard enough that he nearly dropped his things. "I've been patient, I told her I wouldn't make her stay, but she could have at least…"

He broke off, turning his away from Thor as his shoulders dropped. Loki ran his hands over his face while he took in an unsteady breath.

"What if she never wanted to be with me, Thor? What if she never truly wanted me, what of its been my influence that's kept her with me for so long?" Looking back towards him, he finished, "What if it just took until now for it to wear off? Or maybe coming back to Asgard broke the command?"

Thor had no words of solace for his brother, his jaw dropped in utter shock of what to do in this situation. He had never seen Loki so frustrated and upset, leaving him unable to adequately react or comfort him. He stood there waiting for a words to formulate for him, but then Loki requested, "Go. Now. I'm in no mood to be around anyone."

"Are you sure, you don't seem like you should be left alone…"

Loki glanced back over his shoulder, his voice unnervingly steady as he demanded, "I. Said. Go."

Thor, feeling a lump form in his throat, lowered his head before laying down the wine and goblets by the door. Turning to leave, he offered one last time, "Should you want to speak…" But he stopped when he saw Loki ignore his comments to walk back to his bed.

"Just go."

Thor took the door handle in his hand, the weight of the evening weighing heavy on him as he pulled it closed.

Dragging his feet through the empty halls of the palace, Thor couldn't help but question his own loyalties at this point, even cursing Baldur for manipulating him into this situation.

Once he got to his bedroom, he intended to quietly sneak into bed until the door swung open at his arrival to show an unhappy Elsa.

"Where. Have. You. Been!"

****

You had been walking for nearly an hour through the city streets before you came across the neon lights of beers and liquors in the windows of the only bar open 24 hours a day.

Walking through, you were quick to notice the few people sitting at scattered tables, either speaking to one another or sitting alone with a bottle.

You made your way to the bar, sitting on the farthest stool.

"What'll it be?” the bartender barked without so much as looking up from the bottle he was already pouring.

You hadn't drank in a bar in so long you couldn't think of anything aside a jack and coke, the signature bar drink in movies.

When he set a can of coke next to a shotglass overflowing with knockoff whiskey, you took in a breath like you were about to dive underwater and downed the shot. You quickly chased it with the coke, feeling the intense burn trickle down your throat like lava.

"Want another?" the bartender teased at your scrunched face, smiling so that you could see that two of his teeth were missing next to a golden tooth.

You pushed your shot glass towards him. "Yes. Please."

He quirked a brow at the monotone, broken sound in your voice before filling your shotg again.

Even as the sun began to rise, you stayed on your barstool.

“Don’t you work, lady?” he asked, getting ready to shift change with an older woman with a tank top and tattoos up both arms.

“I’m off. Supposed to be off all week.”

The woman smiled at you, her colorful hair tossing as she readied to fill your glass. “Well, then I guess you and me are about to be real good friends, huh, shoog?”

You barely glanced up from your phone, answering with, “I guess so.”

All this time, you hadn’t realized how few photos you had taken with Tom, much less as Loki. You scrolled endlessly back and forth through the few you had, swaying gently in your seat as the drinks went more and more to your head.

When she passed you another can of coke, the multicolored woman couldn’t help but notice the devilishly handsome grin of Tom flashing across your phone as you swiped left and right. “Ya reminiscing about old boyfriends?”

You cut your eyes at her over your coke.

“Okay, sorry, I get it, I’ll stop buggin. Tammy knows when Tammy isn’t wanted. But just so you know, that coke is the last one I got.”

“Then I’ll just take the tequila bottle.”

“It’s whiskey, girl, and I think you have just about ran up a hundred dollars sitting here.”

“What?” you blurted out, nearly falling out of your seat. Realizing you yelled, you whipped around to see who else was there to witness, thankful to see you were both alone.

“Look, I’ll make you a deal, drink some water for a little bit, you ain’t gotta talk to me. But I’m gonna call you a cab so you can go home and-”

“No!” you hollard this time, but you weren’t embarrassed that time. The fear was real, even under all the alcohol it was cripping to face your apartment.

Tammy handed you a water bottle, shaking her head, “Then you ain’t gotta go home, shooga. You can keep Tammy company.” She flashed you an overly toothy smile but you accepted the invitation, folding your arms out onto the counter. It only took ten minutes before you fell asleep to the light country music playing in the background of Tammy’s humming and cleaning.

*****

Thor stood, frozen out of sheer terror of what was surely about to transpire before she stated, “I waited in y/n’s room all night for her and she never came back, and then I realize you’re still not back from the party. What’s going on?”

“Y/n… went back to Midgard.”

"What do you mean ‘went back to Midgard’?" Elsa barraged him with questions, watching Thor cradle his head while he tried to sort through what had happened but not letting up until he answered something. He tried to answer the questions without implicating himself, merely offering that he knew she was gone. "Why would she leave, wasn't she going to live here with Loki? I thought they were happy he was forgiven and that he retained his title of crowned prince? Why would she go?"

"She-"

"I mean, you said that they really loved each other, how could she just abandon him like that, when he really needs her the most?"

"I-"

"I just really thought she would be good for him, I cannot believe she would do this, have you gone to speak with him yet? He must be devastated!"

"He-"

"And what did Allfather say about it all? Surely he wasn't ok with a mortal just coming here and galavanting away in the middle of the night… Wait…" She looked over to Thor as something clicked in her mind. "I thought only a god could wield the Bifrost key?"

Thor was noticeably silent at that realization, having originally left aiding in her departure, making Elsa's brow furrow. "Thor, how did-"

"Baldur and I-"

"Thor!"

He didn't look up to meet her gaze, knowing he could no longer lie to the woman he loved.

"Thor," she repeated as she went to her knees in front of him to take his hands in her own. "Please tell me what happened."

He shook his head, "You won't understand. It had to be done…"

"What did?"

He finally looked back up, biting down on his cheek as he tried to work out how to verbally explain what exactly happened. "Baldur told me Allfather intended to cast y/n out. He said there was a chance she would be in danger, that Allfather was infuriated when he found out Loki named her an oracle…"

That reminded her, "She did tell me that, but why didn't you?”

Thor shook his head. "You know the qualifications Allfather has for an oracle are strict. She had no training, no education, no special lineage to speak of." Looking back down to his hands he finished, "Baldur said if we didn't do something, Allfather would. So, to ensure no harm would come to her, we distracted him and Loki… then lead y/n to the Bifrost."

Elsa rose from her husband, correcting, "You led her away behind Loki's back? But it was to save her, surely he would understand-"

"No!" Thor stood, locking eyes on her as he explained, "Loki must never know. He'll be angry with all of us, not to mention he could leave to go after her."

"He should go after her! He loves her, she loves him, you have no right to-"

"I did what I had to for our family!" Thor defended. His wife’s argument went mute as she took in what he truly meant. "What do you think would happen if Loki goes after her, Elsa? Who do you think Allfather will name king in his stead if Loki leaves?"

She went silent.

"If Loki doesn't take the throne, Allfather will force me to stay here, don't you understand? I'm doing this for us, for our children. This isn't where you want to live, and it's not where they need to grow up." He took her hands and brought them to his face. "It's the only way for us to be free of this place."

Elsa stepped away from him, letting his hands fall empty. "How could you? Even if it's for me and the kids, how can you believe this is right? All this lying? Your poor brother doesn’t deserve this, and neither does y/n, you can’t keep this a secret!"

"It’s necessary!" he roared.

"Then I'll tell him!" she argued just as fierce, "I'll tell him what you've done but when he hears why, he will be forgiving, Thor. He deserves to know the truth, you can't let him think she left him of her own-"

"I forbid it."

"You what?"

Thor's face was dark as he stepped closer to Elsa, towering over her small frame with lightening forming behind his eyes. "You are never to speak of this to Loki, Elsa. I forbid it."

And just like that, his command was law, the influence enough to make her grow rigid. Elsa's face lost color at the instruction, realizing what he had done. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she bit back tears of anger. "All of this because of your father? You're betraying one of the only friends you ever had in this world, not to mention disappointing me beyond all reason, and for what?"

"For you. For our children,” he spoke low, “You may be angry with me now, but when we are allowed to return home, you'll see I was right. And if Loki was in my position, I guarantee you he would do the same.”

"And it'll be worth it?" she asked coldly, "Betraying Loki just to ensure your own happiness?"

Thor inhaled to calm himself before he offered, "No. But right now it's the only thing I can do to save the people I love. I’ve lost someone close to me before because I didn’t protect them from this accursed place, I’ll be damned if I lose anyone else in the name of the king. So for now, this is what we have to do."

Elsa lowered her head with a shake before turning to leave.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice no longer threatening but now broken.

"I can't be here with you, I need a minute to myself." She turned to look at him, her eyes rageful and wet as she finished with, "Unless you're going to make me stay?"

He swallowed, not speaking while he watched helpless as Elsa walked out and slammed the door.

Looking down at his hands, the god of thunder who once felt so sure and so invincible had to wonder, "What have I done?"

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#loki #loki odinson #Loki Laufeyson #loki x oc #loki x you #loki x reader #tom hiddleston is loki #marvel fanfiction #Lady Death Writes

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fancykraken · 5 years

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Here are more in-depth thoughts about Thor in Endgame because I need to barf some feels about it now.

To start off with I’m just going to say that I think they went the right way with Thor in this movie. Now, when I say that—because I know a lot of my fellow Thor lovers are not happy at the moment and to an extent I am too—I am not meaning the surface of what was seen by others and a lot of the audience.

I went into the movie knowing what was happening with him, so it wasn’t a big shock for me to see it (just the visuals were a bit surprising at first because I didn’t know what it would be like). I’m glad I knew going ahead of time because my knee jerk reaction would have been ‘oh, hell no.’

So what I mean by how I think for the most part they went the right way with Thor is this:

SPOILERS FOR THOR IN ENDGAME BELOW

[eta] um, didn’t realize how long this would get so if you do read it all I appreciate it and also have a cookie. <3

I think it was the right thing for him to completely fall apart and let the depression, PTSD, and trauma take over. I think that was a very clever part of letting people see underneath the surface of the King of Asgard. How could he not be fucked up by the end of Ragnarok and events of IW? It’s not possible, only a person completely devoid of empathy and emotion could just go on with their day. Not Thor. His heart is so big and so caring that he fell apart because of it.

The delivery of the line “I went for the head” gutted me. You can hear how utterly broken he is. Kudos to Chris Hemsworth for that because damn, that was heavy. You can see him lose touch with reality in a sense after that, the final nail in the coffin of his guilt. So to see him in New Asgard, much heavier, drunk, dissociating, and suffering was pretty much the only path you can take (not meaning physical details here just the overall concept).

It’s a very real and hard look at what someone like him has been through and the results of it. It’s like Tony in Iron Man 3 with his anxiety and PTSD. How can you not go through something like that and come out on the other side all sunshine and roses?

This is what I really think they did right with him in this movie. This is more the reality of the aftermath of trauma and while yes it is presented in a very flippant and comedic way it is still very good underneath all of that. Strip it down and you see how broken he is. I think Chris Hemsworth played it very well. While his performance was still more geared for comic relief, the pain, the denial, the fear, the guilt, the sadness was still there just underneath the surface and could clearly be seen. He was muddled, rambly, defensive, moody, which for me as someone who deals with depression and anxiety illnesses on a daily basis I can 100% confirm that these are some of the symptoms of these things.

The scene with Frigga was the right move because I think that no one except Frigga could help him tip the scales of him starting to heal. I know that Thor would have been able to do it himself, but having Frigga there for him to confess to was perfect. He couldn’t tell anyone about what was really inside him because no one except Frigga would understand. Odin could have to an extent, but he’s about as comforting as a thorn bush. And Loki probably could have understood a hell of a great deal as well, but he’s gone and he has his whole host of problems and self-loathing. Frigga was the right choice for this. And I know the fat jokes were there, the only one I personally will let slide is her saying ‘eat a salad’ because that is what mum’s do. I don’t think it came from a standpoint of Thor just being heavy, I think it was more just to have him healthier and clearer headed. He’s pretty much been drunk for 5 years straight, boo needs some vitamins and good nutrition.

Also, him summoning Mjolnir at the end of their encounter was so beautiful, I thought. He really did not believe he was still ‘worthy’ and despite Odin telling him in Ragnarok that Mjolnir was basically just a hammer and Thor had it in him the whole time it’s very real that depression strips that all away. You feel like a failure, a fraud, and not worthy to anyone. To have Mjolnir come back to him like that and his face light up was just so lovely. I wish he didn’t have to have that validation, but I think it was something he needed at that moment. Need to see physically that he was still Thor and worthy of all that he is and has to offer to people.

Now, having said all that and taking away the layers that were on the surface, the surface was... not great. I don’t mean as Thor himself and the performance, but the way the movie, story, other characters treated him. And I think a good part of it was there wasn’t time to go into it. The movie did need comic relief and release of all that tension in the room. Thor was just the unlucky guy to be tasked with almost all of that.

There’s an article here that kind of goes into the thought process of the filmmakers and while I agree to an extent, I also think they went about it the wrong way.

This quote, in particular, made me think a lot:

This was their way of showing how survivors are suffering and punishing themselves after the Snap. This was a physical way of manifesting the grief and regret Thor feels. But how do you punish a deity? How do you show that someone who looks like Chris Hemsworth has let everything go?

They made him a trainwreck.

I think the real problems I had with Thor and I know a lot of others in this was that whole movie concept of ‘show, don’t tell’. They went the very, very showy route.

The weight gain honestly was a bit surprising at first when I heard about it, but really I couldn’t give a fuck. I love him no matter what. I’d still glad drag him to bed if I were given the opportunity. I just wish they could have done a better job with the actual weight on his body. Hemsworth is obviously in peak physical shape, so the obvious thing was to just slap a fat suit on him and call it a day. I really don’t think they put enough thought into how fat would have distributed on his body and frame. It’s almost as if there are *gasps* no fat people in Hollywood to talk to about this. *rolls eyes* They really could have done better with the physical aspect of his body.

The fat jokes... well, as someone who has been fat their entire life they can be very triggering for me and I honestly had one or more anxiety attacks after hearing that he would be heavier for the duration of the film before seeing it. While the fat jokes aren’t really blatant fat jokes (it’s kind of hard for me to explain to people who haven’t had similar situations like me), I was okay. I’ve heard the fat jokes before, I’ve been the victim of many fat jokes before, so while I would have preferred not to have any, I think they were the milder of what you could have. If that makes any sense.

I am very tired of the trope that the fat people are only there for the comedic relief. I wish they could have toned that down a lot because I am tired of the way media treats fat people. Tired that fat people don’t get to be superheroes unless they’re a villain or just there for the laughs or laughs as a side character that helps out the superheroes. In this way, the movie let me down and let Thor as a character down. I think Ragnarok set up very nicely the balance of Thor’s comedic side and serious side. He was funny but not funny as to diminish him as a character or the storyline. This just felt he was there to be the funny one, like Drax in GotG Vol. 2 and I haaaaaated him in that.

One good thing they did right by him in respect of his weight is that they didn’t change it. He stayed the same during the whole film and didn’t have any special powers or short cuts to make him buff again or ‘right’ again as a large part of the toxic beauty/health industry/society has taught us. He was still the mighty Thor only with an added beer gut.

While I felt like his final battle wasn’t as epic as it was in Ragnarok or IW, I still think he kicked a lot of ass and took a lot of names.

And his Magical Girl transformation at the end... hoo boy I needed a moment there. The hair and beard with the braids it was just... ghnnnn amazing. It was true Nordic Viking God Thor right there.

Overall his arc in this movie wasn’t as deep as I was expecting. They definitely gave that to Tony and Steve. Thor’s journey was more there for the comic relief. I’m still not sure of how I feel about the end and the way he took off with the Guardians. It felt wrong but also like it was needed in a weird way. I’m still thinking over that. What I felt was wrong is that it severely throws out what was done in previous movies about Thor and his leadership, love for his people, and him being king of Asgard. That felt like a big slap to the face for me. When I first heard of that I felt so angry, so hurt that they would throw out everything that was built up for Thor and his overall character. After seeing it I’m less of that mind, but those feelings are still there. I think it may have sat with me better if it wasn’t just Thor literally handing Valkyrie the keys to New Asgard and buggering off. Because on the surface that’s what it was. I think it would have been better if it was presented as Valkyrie as temp ruler of Asgard while Thor went off to heal or find himself, which he is doing and I want him to do, or even find a new planet to be Asgards home, but not like that. The utter devotion and care for his people was such a key point for him in the previous movies. He’s better than that and to strip that all away and just hand it off to Valkyrie even if she is technically the better leader at the moment hurts. It could have been handled so much better and have Thor not feel so OOC at the end.

I really, really hope that this isn’t the end of Thor’s story because it feels unfinished. They left it open ended for more unlike with Tony and Steve. The Guardians still have another movie and I am really wondering if Thor will still be a part of that with this story. Will he be there to tie in Angela if she is introduced? I don’t know, but I want more, not just because he is my fave but because I feel as if his journey isn’t complete. It’s like there’s something missing and he needs to have the final say and find this inner peace. Tony and Steve were given this complete circle and that circle has been closed. Thor’s has not and while I can understand we may never get that as tight as the others, I think there’s definite room for it.

After seeing this I really hope the rumours of a Thor 4 will come true, especially with Taika. I can see a really fun movie of Thor healing and learning to live with the past. Will he be out there looking for Loki? Will he be with the Guardians? Will he be out there just him doing him? Who knows.

They tried to hold onto that humour from Ragnarok and some moments they did, but ultimately they failed spectacularly with pushing it way too far. If they pulled it back some and tweaked some things with the way others interacted with him then I think it would have been a lot less jarring.

If you’ve read this far then kudos to you. I know this may seem kind of a convoluted meta and thoughts about him in Endgame and I’m still very much in a mindset of that. I loved some of what was done for him/to him in the movie and hated other things. I need more time to digest.

tl;dr version: I love Thor so gd much

#Thor #Avengers: Endgame #Endgame #Avengers #Endgame spoilers #thinky things

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littleteatimestories · 5 years

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Prompt: @ourwritingprompts’s #163 “I’m an emotional wreck.” “It’s okay, you’re a cute emotional wreck.” Pairing: With Peter Quill/Star-Lord As requested by @nighthood13

A/N: Request fulfilled! 😆 I know some of you think I can’t fulfill a request for the life of me, but I’m trying bit by bit. I actually have 3 requests in my list right now. Since I’m done with this one, I’m still accepting 8 more. For more info on the prompt request, go to this 🔖

I hope this is to your liking. I tried to make Quill as cute as he can be, but I feel like I have better plans for him. 😅 Anyway, enjoy!

It just felt like yesterday. At that time, there was an emotion inside of you that you felt so weak. Next, you felt your heart palpitating and your brain malfunctioning. You then noticed that your hands were turning into dust and the last thing you saw was Peter looking at you terrifyingly. He probably ran over to you because you didn’t know what happened afterwards.

Darkness… That was what you sensed on that moment. You finally knew how death was and you became scared to hell. Once everything went back to normal after five years, it never was the same for you. You frequently had nightmares. The worst part was hearing about Gamora not coming back ever because, according to Quill, Thanos killed her for the soul stone. That devastated you even more since the green-skinned female was one of your closest friends. You could say that you two were like sisters. You always saw her in your dreams, mostly being ceased of her life or saying her goodbyes. You wanted to believe that those weren’t true, but the truth was already set in front of you. All you could do was weep.

A few lives were traded just to bring humanity back. You heard Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff were one of those ‘heroes’. You didn’t know what happened to Captain America himself because no one would tell you.

In your case, Sam Wilson was the one who helped you in treating your so-called PTSD. Peter assisted you along the way as he tried to ask The Falcon of your condition. Sam tried, but Peter couldn��t help in bursting in anger just because he didn’t understand a word that was explained to him. Maybe the stress was also affecting him since Gamora was gone.

After six months of treatment, you were back to your old self. You were always so tough and a risk-taker. You finally accepted that Gamora was truly gone and realized that the only thing you can do was to honor her sacrifice and move forward.

You and Peter were actually helping one another in the coping process. You felt closer to him. You found him adorable at one point when he sensed that you had a panic attack. He was really worried and you assured him that you were fine. He didn’t buy that and still kept fretting over you.

The Guardians were back in doing space exploration, plus with an additional new ‘recruit’. Thor decided to tag along and so, there wasn’t a time that Peter and he would argue of who has the better leadership skills.

“Look, Thor. I only decided to have you in my ship because I felt very pity,” Peter debated.

“Listen here, Star-whatever-you-call-yourself, I may not be worthy of being the ruler of Asgard, but I am worthy of being a good leader. That’s one of the reasons why Mjölnir and Stormbreaker chose me,” the God of Thunder countered.

Peter laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, right. So that means the Milano chose me to captain her. My ship chose me so I’m worthy to be her captain.”

Thor squinted. “Your ship is a female?”

Peter groaned loudly. “You know what, just don’t do anything.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

Peter just rolled his eyes and walked to your area where you were tinkering with some stuff.

“He’s really persistent,” you remarked.

“And he’s annoying the hell out of me. Ever since he came, it’s never quiet here.”

You shrugged your shoulders. “Well, he’s at least entertaining.”

“I don’t get his jokes. Only Rocket laughs with him.”

You quietly giggled and continued on fixing your weapons.

“You know, I’m proud of you,” Peter said.

You looked at him quizzically. He continued on, “We’ve been through a lot with that war with Thanos. Dying just like that… You should try imagining what Rocket had been through. Five years without us… He survived that.”

“Yeah, I know… But, it was still different being able to die. All I felt was just pure darkness.”

“I guess that afterlife thing wasn’t true at all, huh?” Peter attempted to make a joke.

You just smiled on that one.

The ship shook excessively. You and Peter were alerted at once. You two went to the Flight Deck to see what was going on.

“What just happened?” Peter asked, casting his eyes at the space beyond.

“We’ve got company!” Rocket announced as another collision came into contact with the Milano.

“Enemy ships?!” you confirmed.

“Nu-uh, sweet cheeks! Asteroids!”

“Great! I leave you to drive the ship and we already have asteroids flying all over us!” Peter chided as he perched himself on the co-captain’s seat.

“Oh wow! I didn’t know this became all my fault!” Rocket retorted.

“I am Groot! (Look out!)” Teenaged Groot pointed forward as a large asteroid was barreling directly at them.

Rocket turned the ship too late as the big chunk of rock hit the left wing. A red alert instantly flashed, declaring for immediate landing.

“Nearest planet, anyone?!” Peter yelled.

You quickly checked the computer at the third seat. “Lithios! Sending in the coordinates!”

“Prepare for a hard landing, losers!” Rocket declared.

***

You loudly gasped and started scrambling up on your feet. You started to sprint to who-knows-where. Everything you see were all different shades of purple and it was making your head hurt more. You felt like you were seeing things. Right now, you think you just saw Gamora standing at the distance. Your heart was starting to pulsate and you were wheezing aggressively. You finally gave into the anxiety attack as you laid on the ground, curling and sobbing like a baby.

Someone was calling out to you, but you were in deaf ears. It was like going back to that void again.

“(Y/n)! Hey, (Y/n)! I’m here!” Peter was trying to get your attention. You weren’t budging, still staring straightforward and crying nonstop. He held your shoulders tightly and gently as he moved you to face him. He focused on you. “Hey, you’re okay, alright? You’re okay. Everything’s fine.”

You wept noisily and embraced him. He returned it and soothed you.

***

“I’m sorry,” you apologized.

“For what?” Peter questioned.

You sighed heavily. “That I’m an emotional wreck.”

You finally met up with the rest of the Guardians. You were all sitting on the ground with a purple fire burning at the center. Apparently, Lithios is a crystal mining planet, though, the crystals here were the purple-colored ones. Rocket said Lithios crystals were worth 100,000 credits per piece; the bigger the size, the higher the price. Thor, though, went to find his own area.

“So what?” Peter seemed disinterested with your answer.

You narrowed your brows. “Don’t you get it? I looked like I was falling apart back there. I could have gotten myself killed if this planet was a dangerous one. I could’ve let the team down just because I could’ve had a tragic way to die.”

“But you are still here and you did not die,” Drax commented as he sipped on a gooey-looking soup.

You fought the urge not to roll your eyes. “Yes, Drax, I am still alive and kicking. I was only sharing a scenario.”

Drax’s eyelids drooped. “You are not kicking. You are sitting right there.”

You finally bowled your eyes whilst exhaled a breath as Peter chuckled and spoke, “But, really, it’s okay. You’re a cute emotional wreck, anyway.”

All of the Guardians including yourself stared at him. Peter froze and flickered his eyes from one member to the other and vice versa.

“What?” he queried.

“I think I need to clean my ears. Did I hear ya right, Star-munch?” Rocket opined as he tried to clean his one ear with his pinky paw finger.

Mantis, who was sitting beside Peter, held his back hand and felt a strange euphoria coursing through her antenna. The Terran immediately swatted his hand away from her.

“You are in love,” Mantis concluded.

Peter laughed dryly. “Okay, that’s just funny. First of all, I am not.”

“Is it hard to deny that you are in love with (Y/n)?” Drax went straight to the point.

Peter gaped at him. “I am not, okay? (Y/n)’s like a sister to me, that’s it.”

“Right,” Rocket drawled, signifying that he didn’t believe him.

Peter huffed and attempted to change the topic. “Anyway, we should be worrying about the ship. Rocket, when can we expect full functionality of the Milano?”

Rocket brushed his shoulders up and down. “I don’t know. It could take weeks or, worst, months if we don’t have the materials we need. Just look at the ship. We have a broken left wing and I’m not sure if I can fix that easily.”

“Find a way. We can’t stay here for too long.”

Rocket grunted. “I’ll do what I can. But you do have a point. We can’t stay here long.”

And their conversation prolonged. Groot peered at you and gave a small smile. “I am Groot. (He likes you.)”

You returned the upward curve on your lips. “I hope so. I really do hope so.” You gazed at the Star-Lord longingly.

#peter quill x reader #star-lord x reader #Guardians of the Galaxy #marvel

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avengersmusings · 5 years

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FULL NAME: Anthony Edward Stark MEANING: Highly praiseworthy, Priceless One, Flower NICKNAME: Tonio, Tony MEANING: Tonio was what his mom called him growing up (and she’s the ONLY one allowed to call him that thanks), and Tony’s just the shorten version of his name. AGE APPEARANCE: 46 BIRTHDAY: May 29th, 1973 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Gemini SPECIES: Human GENDER: Cis Male ALLERGIES: None SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Pansexual THEME SONG(S): Back in Black by AC/DC, Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, Bastards by Kesha, I Don’t Care by Fall Out Boy

APPEARANCE

HAIR COLOR: Dark Brown with some grey peppered in because baby old. HAIR STYLE AND LENGTH: Honestly a mess, but like a stylish mess. It’s longer on top and always in that spikey MESS. EYES COLOR: Brown EYESIGHT: 20/20, he paid for corrective surgery when he was younger thanks. HEIGHT: 5′9″, don’t let HIM FOOL YOU WEIGHT: 190 lbs OUTFIT/CLOTHING STYLE: Tony’s probably wearing some band shirt with oil/grease stains on it and jeans. He also likes wearing tshirts, a blazer, and jeans. BUT ALWAYS THE SUNGLASSES. ABNORMALITIES: Miniaturized arc reactor in chest. DISTINGUISHING MARKS(SCARS,MOLES): Tony’s got a couple of scars from his father childhood, some old track marks along the crease of his elbow from his wilder days, and a giant ass scar on his chest from the one a half two heart surgeries that goes from the middle of his sternum down to almost his belly button. SELF CARE(MAKE UP): Tony either looks like he hasn’t slept in days or put together, there’s no in between. The only thing he really keeps maintained is his goatee. Because he’s vain about it. FIRST IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE: He’s Tony Fucking Stark okay, people either want to be his friend for his money or to hurt him so they try to impress him. SKIN COLOR: White BODY TYPE/BUILD: TINY BABY, he’s also fit but not like Steve level of muscle. DEFAULT EXPRESSION: Tony always looks done with everything when in public. POSTURE: Oooooooof, Tony pretends to take up as much space as physically possible while keeping his back protected and everyone in the room in his sight. PIERCINGS: He has a closed up earring hole. DESCRIBE THEIR VOICE: Steve’s voice has a subtle Brooklyn accent and takes on a softer tone than you’d expect out of him. His voice hardens and deepens when he goes in Captain mode.

RELATIONS:

MOM: Maria Stark HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: Maria and Tony had a bond that was built off of both of them being abused by Howard. They’d stick up for each other when he got too hard on one of them and when Tony got older he started acting out more so Howard would take it out on him more rather than Maria. To this day, Maria is still one of the most important people in his life. DAD: Howard Stark HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: HoWARD STARK CAN FUCKING CHOKE YOU DUMB ASS BITCH. Howard was not a good father, he was not Marvel can fight me. He was abusive and cold and distant and had his son kidnapped so that he wouldn’t break when it really happened. Howard’s better off fucking dead. SIBLINGS: Isabelle St. Martin (Half-Sister) HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: Tony.........has no clue she’s his sister sorry. CHILDREN: Toni Stark, Morgan Stark, Peter Parker, and the Bots HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: Tony’s kids are hIS LIFE. His biggest fear is turning into Howard so he treats them like they’re the best thing to happen to him (which they are). OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS: Edwin Jarvis (Father Figure), Peggy Carter (Adoptive Aunt) PAST LOVER(S): so MANY ONE NIGHT STANDS TONY PLEASE. CURRENT LOVER: Pepper Potts REACTION TO MEETING SOMEONE NEW: Tony’s analyzing what they want from him and why they’re talking to him, but he’s keeping up with the conversation and probably trying to see if he can make them hate him. ABILITY TO WORK WITH OTHERS: It depends on his mood, honestly. HOW SOCIABLE(LONER,ETC): Tony can be sociable, when he wants to. FRIENDS: Elise Burke, Bruce Banner, Peggy Carter, Thor, Nat, Clint, basically all of the Avengers. PETS: Ginny, a miniature poodle (who is also a service doggo for his anxIETY) LEAST FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON: People who take advantage of him or use his tech for evil. PARENTAL TYPE(PROTECTIVE,ETC): THE BEST, his kids want something and they get it. FAVORITE PEOPLE: Pepper, Elise, Bruce, Morgan, Peter, Toni. LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE: Steve, Justin Hammer, most of SHIELD.

PERSONALITY:

..WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM: ? Distant, Sarcastic, Pushy ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY LIKE YOU): Warm, Loyal, Giving ..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY DISLIKE YOU): Cold, Mean, Closed-Off FAVORITE COLOR: Red FAVORITE FOOD: One of his mom’s old dishes or a Potts family recipe. FAVORITE ANIMAL: Cats (?) FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Piano FAVORITE ELEMENT: Fire LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: None of them??? LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: Honestly, nothing. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL: Rats LEAST FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Maybe a kazoo? Tony’s weird. LEAST FAVORITE ELEMENT: Earth HOBBIES: building things he shouldn’t be, hanging out with his kids, annoying Pepper in her office, sciencing with Bruce. USUAL MOOD: Honestly Tony’s eager to please so he wants people around, but HE ALSO DOESN’T WANNA SEEM TOO EAGER so like.......you have to come to him first.

DRINK/SMOKE/DRUGS: Not anymore. He used to do all three and stopped when he became Iron Man. Well, drinking stopped when he got together with Pepper. DARK VERSION OF SELF: OH FUCK. AN EVIL GENIUS. The entire world is metal and humans arE GONE. LIGHT VERSION OF SELF: hello see Tony thanks. Maybe less self-doubty and more willing to work with others. HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY: Tony can be serious if he wants to be, he just doesn’t want to be most of the time. BELIEVE IN GHOSTS: Nope. Science can’t explain it so they aren’t real :) (IN)DEPENDANT: Tony likes to pretend to be independant but CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT HE HAD FOR BREAKFAST. please help him. SOFT SPOT/VULNERABILITY: anybody hurting one of his kids or Pepper, failing the team, turning into Howard, people needing help in general. OPINION ON SWEARING: Will say fuck in front of a child if needed. Morgan probably knows a LOt of swear words. DAREDEVIL VS CAUTIOUS: Both??? He’s mostly just a menace to himself and lack self-preservation skills. MUSIC TYPE: Ear-shattering rock. MOVIE TYPE: .......Tony doesn’t watch movies he doesn’t have the attention span for them. BOOK TYPE: ..........i don’t see Tony as much of a reader either. Maybe scientific journals??? GAME TYPE: Tony can kick your ass at poker without even trying. COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE: Tony likes it a little bit warmer than comfortable. The cold reminds him of the cave and being trapped in space :( SLEEPING PATTERN: .........tony stark..........sleep???? what. CLEANLINESS/NEATNESS: Tony is the cleanest messiest person you’ll ever meet. He never picks up after himself but IF YOU PICK UP ONE OF HIS TOOLS AND MOVE IT ANYWHERE IT THROWS OFF HIS ENTIRE SYSTEM. DESIRED PET: who needs pets when kids keep showing up at your doorstep amiright HOW DO THEY PASS TIME: Bothering Pepper, hanging out with a kid of his, building up suits for the team. BIGGEST SECRET: Tony Stark has had three “suicide” attempts in his life and only one of them was intentional. HERO/WHO THEY LOOK UP TO: Everyone because he’s short. His mom, Pepper, Steve to an extent. WHAT ANIMAL WOULD THEY BE: A cat. FEARS: BECOMING HOWARD, losing one of his kids or Pepper, space, failing the team. COMFORTS: Pepper’s shampoo, Morgan’s childlike scent, the smell of motor oil, being utterly surround by someone he loves.

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN THEY ARE:

SAD: Tony bottles it all up until it spills out and he can’t control it anymore. He’s getting better about opening up about when he’s sad, but he WASN’T ALLOWED TO BE SAD when he was younger THANKS HOWARD. HAPPY: Talking fast and probably waving his arms around TOO MUCH, getting up in personal space, SARCASTIC JOKES ANGRY: OOOOOFFF, the cold creeps in and Tony shuts off all other emotions. He tends to let the anger control him and doesn’t think things through. AFRAID: Tony’s not allowed to show he’s afraid because FUCK HOWARD so he keeps it to himself. If it gets too bad he has panic attacks. LOVE SOMEONE: Everything you’ve ever been in debt for is suddenly paid off and you have a nice vacation to look forward to and ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED he’s giving you thanks. HATE SOMEONE: Tony’s cold and distant and probably wishing he could blast them with a gauntlet. WANT SOMETHING: Tony will take whatever he wants, he was raised spoiled okay. CONFUSED: tony stark doesn’t get confused HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DO THEY REACT TO:

DANGER: If Tony’s in danger it’s no big deal, but if someone else is? He’s doing everything in his power to GET THEM OUT even if it means getting hurt in the process. SOMEONE THEY HATE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON THEM: Bitch bye, Tony doesn’t have time for people he hates. PROPOSAL TO MARRY: He’s already married sooooooooooo unless it’s Pepper he’s gonna say no. DEATH OF LOVED ONE: It depends on how close they were. But he’d probably hide away until the sadness went away unless someone makes him face it. DIFFICULT GAME/MATH/ETC: Tony will not rest until he’s solved it thanks. INJURY: Yeah no, Tony doesn’t tell anybody when he’s injured. He was literally dying and didn’t tell anyone so. SOMETHING IRRESISTABLY CUTE: My guess is Tony would want to make sure it’s taken care of. LOSS OF HOURS OF WORK: .............he’s sleeping with his boss so.

KNOWLEDGE:

LANGUAGES: English, Italian, knows conversational various other langauges. SCHOOLING LEVEL: He has 3 doctorates. FAVORITE SUBJECT (S): Science, Science, and more Science. INTERESTED CAREERS: An engineer or inventor. EXPERTISE: genius level intellect, master engineer, master scientist, master buinessman, pilot of the iron man suits PUZZLES: Puzzles take him a minute but the serum helps him figure them out rather quickly. CHEMISTRY: Tony likes making things explode and probably has a good understanding of chemistry. MATH: TONY LOVES MATH. ENGLISH: Tony can speak it but has NO interest in interpreting what authors were trying to say in books thanks. GEOGRAPHY: Who needs maps when you have an AI running everything? POLITICS/LAW: Tony knows about them, and probably participates in them. ECONOMY/ACCOUNTING: yOU DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY WHEN YOU’RE RICH. COOKING: Tony can cook three things: scrambled eggs, spaghetti, and cereal. That’s it. SEWING: No. MECHANICS: Tony rebuilds classic cars in his spare time the fucking nerd. BOTANY (FLOWERS): lol no MYTHOLOGY: Tony knows about the different mythologies but doesn’t really believe in them? Atheism is a thing. DRAMATICS(ACTING,SINGING): besides the fact that tony is a DRAMA QUEEN, no. READING LEVEL: WAY ABOVE AVERAGE HE GRADUATED CO LLEGE AT FI FTEEN. HOW GOOD ARE THEY AT PLANNING AHEAD: no. just.......no this why he has Jarvis and Pepper.

ROMANCE:

DO THEY TAKE INITIATIVE: YES he loves bothering Pepper when she’s busy and a l w a y s gets his way. HOW DO THEY ACT(SHY,ETC): .........he’s Tony Stark.....that’s enough right there. GENTLEMAN/LADYLIKE VS KLUTZY: Tony can be gentleman like when he’s done something he’s not supposed to (or when he wants something) but other than that HE’S A DEMON. GO SLOW VS JUMP INTO: he was used to going fast and doing the one night stand thing, but with Pepper it was easier to take things slow (and then go really fast once they realized how WELL they worked together). PROTECTIVE: Yes. ACT LIKE FRIENDS OR LOVERS: B O T H. WHAT KIND OF PRESENTS DO THEY BUY: ......tony doesn’t buy presents because he forgets birthdays and anniversaries. TYPE OF KISSER: It depends on his mood and what he wants :) DO THEY WANT KIDS: He didn’t want them, but now he has a small army of them so. DO THEY WANT TO MARRY: he’s ALREADY MARRIED. MAKE GOOD OR BAD DECISIONS: Bad decisions are unintentionally made because Tony might be a genius but he’s a dumbass. ARE THEY ROMANTIC: Y E S. HOW ARE THEY IN BED: Tony Stark literally did one night stands and one night stands only. He’s A M A Z I N G in bed he knows how to treat Pepper the way she should be and how to take car eof his WIFE. GET JEALOUS EASY: nO. WIFE/HUBBY BEATER: nOPE. MARRY FOR MONEY: tony IS MONEY. FAVORITE POSITION: HOnestly? Pepper on top. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN ON THEIR DREAM DATE: A five star hotel while someone takes care of Morgan so Pepper can just relax. They spent as much time as possible in bed or relaxing. OPINION ON SEX: Sex was always just something Tony thought he HAD to do because people wanted it from him. And then he realized it was fun so he kept doing it because WHY NOT. But with Pepper it’s different and he could never go back to the one night stand thing. He likes the intimacy of sex with someone who cares about you beyond just getting off.

#char: tony stark #tony: bio #THIS DEMON WOULND'T LEAVE ME ALONE

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