#i still can’t make up my mind if I’m a good gifmaker or not but I’m having fun jcndjdnd

[yoohyeon]

Okay miss 😳❤️‍🔥

Do not repost!

[moondal514]

Weekend WIP Game

Tagged by @read-and-write-

It’s still the weekend for me so hopefully I’m still somewhat on time for this 😂

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more). (questions for artists/gifmakers here)

1. WIP List

Lol I’ve got too many of them so I’ll just list the ones that I talk about in this ask:

Ballet au (AFTG)

Hunger Games au (AFTG)

secret Yuletide fic

twinyards au (AFTG)

First 15 Lives of Harry August au (AFTG)

The Wind Is Changing (AFTG)

Homewrecker Legally Blond Court (AFTG)

Demi pondering (AFTG)

Qin Su dark soulmate au (MDZS)

Nie Huaisang character study (MDZS)

Self-indulgence (AFTG)

Lan Yuan’s dad’s got it going on (MDZS)

Orchestra au (AFTG)

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

AFTG Ballet au has the most, like, actual story words (and not just a plot outline) written for it cuz every time I take a ballet class/go see a ballet/watch a dance competition I get inspired and write something for it. Unfortunately none of it coherently fits together so I can’t yet piece together a fic from what I have written so far

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

AFTG Hunger Games au. Every time I turn around my outline for it has somehow gotten longer. Currently I have 9 separate arcs planned for it (and ngl the fact that it’s so long lowkey demotivates me to write for it sometimes but that’s neither here nor there)

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

My WIP for Yuletide is my current actual favorite WIP but I can’t talk about that cuz it’s a secret, so my favorite WIP after that is prob the twinyards au cuz I really like the writing style I’ve adopted for it

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

The AFTG First 15 Lives of Harry August au. This is one of those situations where I’m living in fear of the fic not being as good on paper as it is in my head. Also the outline for it is really long and ngl that sorta demotivates me every time I try to write for it

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

The Wind Is Changing. It’s the sequel to my AFTG Big Bang fic No Stranger To the Wind and I struggle with it cuz I keep changing my mind about how dark I want the plot to get and also how many liberties I want to take within the world of Cinda Williams Chima’s The Seven Realms series (of which this fic is an AFTG au of)

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

If I ever finish any of my WIPs for any of the Chinese fandoms I’m currently in, I’ll prob seek out a cultural sensitivity reader for them because in previous fandoms I’ve been in, there have been so many fics I’ve read where I had to back out of and stop reading in the middle cuz it was super obvious that the writer has never talked to an East Asian person irl/has any idea of how East Asian families work. And since I’m Korean American and not Chinese, I don’t want to be that person in a Chinese fandom

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer’s block?

Literally all of them have been struck by writer’s block at one point or another. Currently the worst is Homewrecker Legally Blond Court, a murder mystery au I’ve literally been bouncing around in my head and sorta on papers for 2 years now. Mostly I struggle with it because I just can’t make any important plot decisions about it and it’s causing me very bad writer’s block

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

I somehow don’t have any oc’s in any of my WIPs lol

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

Demi pondering. It isn’t quite smut (cuz I haven’t figured out how to write that yet 😂) but it’s verging (HA) on that territory

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Qin Su dark soulmate au. For those of you familiar with MDZS, I’ll give you 3 guesses as to why 😂

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

Nie Huaisang character study. I mean it’s a character study, it’s gotta have good characterization, right?

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

Self-indulgence. As the title suggests, this WIP is my most self-indulgent WIP as it is an AFTG canon-divergence packed full with my guilty favorite tropes. I’m quite proud of how I’ve set up the canon-divergence in this one though, hence why I think it’s my best scene setting (though if I’m being honest, scene setting is really not one of my writing strengths 😂)

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

Honestly I work hard on all of my WIPs cuz I don’t let myself post anything unless I’m satisfied with it. With that said though, I think from a craft standpoint I’ve worked the hardest on the twinyards au cuz it’s got some of my favorite writing of all the writing I’ve ever done

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Twinyards au. I think it has some of my best writing so when I finally finish it and post it, I hope it’ll get the love it deserves

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

Oh yeah. One of the scenes I’ve written for demi pondering literally came to me in a dream

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don’t?

Not really? I mean it depends on how you define “complexities.” Like in terms of the character work I do, I’ve written a few fics before that had imo pretty complex character work (for example: sometimes i wish i kept some of my feelings in the basement, a 2nd person Andrew Minyard pov) so I wouldn’t say character-wise that my WIPs have anything more complex than that. But if you mean in terms of trope deconstruction…Qin Su dark soulmate au, which is basically about the pitfalls of automatically assuming soulmates have a romantic connotation. I think it’s the only WIP of mine where I am purposefully deconstructing a trope

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

Lan Yuan’s dad’s got it going on. You can tell from the obvious Stacy’s Mom-inspired title that this is not a serious fic lol

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

Lan Yuan’s dad’s got it going on. It’s a modern au from Lan Sizhui’s pov and consists of a bunch of junior shenanigans and Wangxian. So far my main struggle with it is I’ve given myself so much 2ndhand embarrassment

20. Tell us one thing we don’t know about one or more of your WIPs.

Most of my WIPs start as very niche inside jokes that only I understand/find funny. For example, the joke that started my AFTG orchestra au:

Aaron looked pointedly at Andrew’s neck. “I wasn’t aware you’ve started playing viola.”

(To explain the joke: violists sometimes get a scratch/rash/bruise on their necks from playing their instrument and it can look very similar to a hickey. Andrew doesn’t play viola. He has a hickey on his neck. Aaron knows this and is pointing it out)

No pressure tags: @mostlymaudlin @seasy33 @quensty @frickenpasta @bisexualbard-writes

[disaster-lineage]

content creator 2021 wrapped tag game

Cut this into what works for you. Want to do only one instead of five? Do it. Tag 2 people? Do it. This game is not your mum or the Apple App store to tell you what to do. But there are a couple of rules:

RULE 1: Review your creations over 2021. Tag some gifmakers/creators, friends and strangers to get them to do the same.

RULE 2: Link to the content, commentary optional.

thank you @usermurdocks and @capinejghafa  for tagging me!

5 (or more!) creations from others that made you smash the reblog button hard, closely followed by your ‘insp’ tag or ‘fave tag’. Link to sets that started conversations, outstanding composition, colouring, etc.

oh man there are so many that i’ve love i will probably never be able to list them all but will try my best

ladies of shadow and bone -> color palette / characteristics by @capinejghafa

okay okay this set is just so gorgeous and was such a great gift. and it has like everything you could want, all the sab ladies, gorgeous blending, and beautiful colors!

i also want to mention myra’s kanej + reincarnation au gifset because like it’s gorgeous it’s kanej and it’s purple...like what more could you want!

the witcher › season 2 by @jjmaybanks

there are so many of beck’s gifsets i could mention but like the fact that this edit was made just from the trailer is just amazing! like it’s so gorgeous, the coloring is amazing and has such a cool layout. but like my favorite part is the middle gif, i’ve never seen anyone use do the mix of colors and b&w on a layout and I just thinks it’s so cool!

okay i’m going to mention another one because I can’t help myself but this ciri gifset is ummm just art, it’s stunning and gorgeous and i don’t know what else to say about it other i think you all should just go stare at because it’s gorgeous

darkling by @clarke-griffin

okay the first time i saw this gif i just stared and then i want to both make gifsets as stunning and to never make gifs again because i could never make something as stunning. it’s just amazing and one of coolest uses of overlays and textures i’ve seen in gifs!

yennefer meme: femme fatale by @yenvengerberg

i just...it’s gorgeous and don’t really know what else to say because what is there to say??? I could stare this edit for hour and probably have but it’s just stunning and fits the film noir/femme fatale vibe so well

rebecca + alone by @queencalanthes​

i think my jaw literally dropped when i saw this edit. like the way... THE WAY THE TEXT DISAPPEARS IN THE LAST GIF?!?! it’s so good it makes me lose my mind

okay, i’m going to stop now but i could probably keep going forever there are sooooo many talented creators on here

4-5 creations of which you’re proud. These are goals you scored. Nothing to do with notes.

nina zenik

i think this was probably the first edit  of mine where i really tried to do something cool with the typography and really liked how it ended up!

kaz brekker

i think this was the first gifset that i felt 100% confident post and just overall felt good about

inej ghafa

this edit took me forever, like i’m pretty sure i had a headache by the end of making it. i think i colored most of the gifs frame by frame but honestly it was worth it. this edit is still one of my favorite edits i’ve ever made and the one i’m most proud

ciri of cintra

i just love the colors in this a whole lot and honestly had a lot of fun making this. i mostly used it as an excuse to try some different coloring and affects that i hadn’t done before

3-4 creations others loved. Include the one that one that got most notes, great comments, or the classic ‘how dare you!’

letterboxd reviews + sebastian 

letterboxd reviews + lilo and stitch

inej ghafa

2-3 creations that stretched you as a creator: style, coloring, blending, text, etc. include the one that should have got more notes.

nina zenik 

making this edit was an experience...one that might have involved tears 

daredevil

this was the second edit i made with a layout and like it tested me man. first the math of trying to figure out the size of the gifs and then just putting everything together was an EXPERIENCE

1 creation of yours that you find most aesthetically pleasing to the eye and self AND 1 creation that broke and (maybe remade you) as a creator – we all have that one.

   aesthetically pleasing: yennefer + tissaia

maybe one of my more simple edits but think it’s one of my favorites!

creation that broke me: inej + knives

i was so excited to make this edit and it just...like still can’t think about it. i just could not make it work how i wanted to

0 the creation that never was because nothing was working that day.

i have a good chuck of sab ladies rainbow edit done. i started it for sab ladies application week but just didn’t finish it in time and i just haven’t had the motivation to work on it since but i do plan to finish it at some point. here’s one of the gifs from the set:

Overall comment on your creativity year 2021: i started gif for the first time in like a year and half and have trying out some many new things and just created so much that i’m proud of!

i don’t know who’s already done this so i’m just going to tag some people:

@rreputatiions, @steve-harringtons, @yelenabeluva, @nikolai-llantsov, @kazs-rietvelds, @queencalanthes​, @riietveld​, @spideyandrews​

[hickeys-dickey]

Pls share your thoughts about the gays in THAT scene… I would love to read them!

Ahh you are too kind, I am but a little swiss cheese brain but I'll try my best to sum up my thoughts, I have too many! I wanted a chance to grab some screenshots too! I'm going to put a read more because this is a long one buckle up lads.

So obviously the whole punishment for Hickey is designed to humiliate him (I would imagine this is one of the reasons his punishment isn't explained to him, because if Hickey truly was a naval petty officer he would know, and I think it's another way for Crozier to essentially say "I see you" and not in a good way). The fact we're not shown the other whippings shows the importance lies in the scene with Hickey.

I've seen a bit of discussion about his charge of "dirtiness", which isn't listed initially when we see him being questioned by the Captains, and whether or not it alludes to homosexuality but on a quick cursory search it does seem to have been used as a euphemism where an outright accusation of sodomy would mean a death sentence. The way Crozier throws it out there, no doubt to heap the humiliation onto Hickey and add crimes to the list to cover the fact he added lashes on to the punishment essentially for a bruised ego (but that's another matter), suggests a whole lot of venom to the accusation. Hickey's pointed look at Irving and Irving's quick shift of his gaze down suggests they both know exactly why Crozier has listed this among Hickey's list of crimes, and Hickey looks furious for it.

But I think this is also ultimately where the panic begins to set in. Again, there are far greater minds than me who have made excellent posts about queer coded characters in the terror, and I think it's no surprise that most of them are the faces that are focused on in this scence. It is clear long before this moment that Crozier's leadership is lacking, and people have already begun to voice concerns fairly loudly. Tozer for one is livid in the wake of Heather being injured, and the marines have clearly started distancing themselves from both the officers and the men. I feel like this scene, for a lot of characters is a point of major shift in either allegiences or character.

Tozer and the Captains are the first faces that are panned to in this scene and I think the expressions speak for themselves.

Tozer is visibly upset/concerned after the first lash. I do think guilt probably has a part to play, in that is was him whole told Hickey where Silna was, and presumably approved enough of the plan to not rat him out to anyone. Again, very probably part of Tozer's anger at Heather being injured due to what he sees is Crozier's poor management. Fitzjames is stoney faced, but is also the only one looking. As a man who many have noted pushes himself to pick emotional scabs, I think it would make sense for someone who is also notably queer coded and stuggles with trauma to make himself look directly at someone being whipped for a crime he himself might commit. Crozier isn't even looking, whether out of suddenly doubting his harshness or simply triggering something in his own memory it's not clear. I think the end of this shot also speaks for itself.

(Fig 1. Three Concerned (very likely not straight) men contemplate)

The lads at the back behind Mr. Johnson are all looking Directly At the whipping as it is taking place. Interestingly none of the men at the front near the table are looking. This is the stewards, officers, and marines. Whether out of respect or also Concern at their own skins (I think every one of these characters has been addressed as being queer coded at some point, minus the marines who are all, except Tozer, fairly nameless characters).

I'm not a gifmaker which is unfortunate for this section, though this is what is gifed in the beautiful gifset by sashneeka I reblogged (x). Tommy is also visibly upset, whether because he knows Tozer was involved in the plot to kidnap Silna and is concerned for him and any of the rest of the crew who had assisted in someway or voiced support. Billy interestingly does look briefly, and sets his jaw after in a way that suggests he's trying to fight the guilt of being the one to tell Irving about the whole affair with Hickey to paint himself in a better light. It could just as easily be Billy there on that table being lashed, but he somehow rationalises it in his head (probably because Hickey is a little bastard) that he was right in what he did. He does look down fairly guiltily after this, so maybe he hasn't quite settled on an opinion. Jopson also looks incredibly concerned/unsettled, and interestingly looks at Hickey right up until the whip hits where he flinches, and not for the only time in this scene. From what we know about Jopson's past, though not at this point, it may well be he is remembering similar punishment/mistreatment and like Fitzjames looks enough to pick the scab open and flinch from his own trauma.

The closeup of Hickey shows the full extent of his rage and humiliation building, and as I think Adam himself said, they whipped something out of Hickey that day and let him reach this potential that lay inside him (to become an even bigger bastard). He's fully severed all ties and feelings of loyalty after this and it becomes full on train to manipulation station from this point. I have a lot of Thoughts about Hickey also (which I am sure you are all aware of) but I think there was some semblance of Hickey attempting to start afresh on this journey, or at the very least keep his head down and go unnoticed. The trouble is, he notices Crozier as a flawed man, and one not from the upper classes like himself, and his ego can't help but think we're not so different, that could be me with the right connections. Well surprise lads, its murder time now and he's gonna make this old man pay for not recognising initiative but punishing it. I do wonder if Crozier wasn't booze sick and rattled from losing even more men under his command, would he not have come down so harshly for someone clearly defying the Articles to do what he thinks is right and save the men (a la Crozier and his fuck you I'm directly contradicting an order and leading this rescue party myself).

Tozer gets another wee closeup here and again looks like he has resolved something in his head too. Most likely that he thinks Crozier an unfit leader, and admiring Hickey for having the balls to do what he did (Hickey also never reveals anyone else who came with him, and when he talks about Hartnell and Mason's part in taking Silna it highlights their skill and bravery and (he thinks) commends them to the Captain. It's probably the only time we see him building up and applauding others). He looks dead ahead here and seems to have a very steely gaze, like yep fuck it looks like I'm going it alone now. It is interesting that Tozer goes from this to notably disliking Hickey (both at the start and when they are packing up - "you've just given me an excuse to give a big shove". This might be anger at Hickey having caused all the issues with Silna after the fact when Heather gets killed at Carnivale), but still follows him in the end. Hickey has the ability to kill, manipulate, steal, basically do whatever needed for their group to get ahead, which means Tozer can be part of the group and not have to dirty his own hands. I think Tozer probably has a complicated relationship with Hickey, but he does fall for the charm hook, line, and sinker, and the fact he seems concerned for him here suggests how easily he is sympathetic to those he sees as being wronged.

Gibby getting Hickey's blood on his hand (ayy) seems to visibly make him blanch, and I do find it interesting that the shot then pans to Tommy as though they are looking at each other when they are stood side by side. The similarities between them maybe? (I've seen and reblogged a lot of discourse about Tommy loving Tozer, maybe another nod to no one being so different to the man on the table?) Irving doesn't get much of a close up in the rest of this scene but bless him he looks equal parts terrified and guilty (another man who has been noted as having a list of many things to distract from the Gay Thoughts like why do you need to distract from Gay Thoughts Irving?). He also has the Far Off Look of trauma about him, probably because he too could just as easily be on that table.

I have many many thoughts about the way Hickey turns to look (and fucking smile???) at Crozier next, which is when Crozier is looking directly at him and Fitzjames looks at him. Like if I were Crozier I think my fucking blood would chill, look at this man. Being humiliated and lashed still hasn't broken him, if anything he has just become fully unhinged and looks at Crozier as though to say "did you really think this would work?". I would also say, this man has fairly quite for someone who is at this stage something like 22 lashes in? Like what the actual fuck Hickey?? I fully belive Hickey to be a psycopath, and most of what he does in the beginning of the series is an attempt to stay hidden until they get to Hawaii and he can ditch the crew, but I think it is fairly safe to say he isn't hiding it any more.

And he knows this is going to make the men doubt Crozier - I can't do a proper search because I am using my work laptop atm, but I seem to remember reading that a punishment greater than 12 lashes required a court martial (probably why Little steps in to say so when Crozier orders his punishment as well as them technically being lost at sea), which would be another strike against him as a Captain. Not only that, but Crozier does seem to grant him some mercy in letting him only be lashed I think 23 or so times? Probably because the tension is fucking palpable in this whole scene and Crozier can either choose to claw back some sense of control on the matter, or deal with the consequences of many people admiring Hickey for what he has done for the crew and start a mutiny. I think this is the first time Fitzjames sees the damage Crozier is doing to himself with his choices as Captain, and is probably just as concerned at the look Hickey is giving him. He knows this has unleashed something in this tiny rat bastard too, and that he will become the physical manifestation of Crozier's self-destructive tendancies. Crozier perpetually comes to everything just a fraction too late to change anything - he never saves any of the men, only comforts them as they die, and a lot of this has to do with his own ego and bad decision making, and I think this is the first example here of the fact his actions are having an effect on others to the point it will be his downfall.

Anyway, to round it off, I think this scene really epitomises the notion that Hickey is a mirror to the rest of the men, and they see their flaws in him. Those who have questioned Crozier's captaincy look concernced knowing they too could be being lashed. They too would have tried to get Silna to stop the Tuunbaq hunting them. Those who are queer or queer coded know they too could be being lashed for it. Crozier himself sees his unwillingness to follow the Articles in him, sees his own insubordination, and feels what Sir John meant when he said his position afforded him deference. Hickey may as well be a metaphor for all the men being lashed, theres not one among them who haven't voiced wanting to do what he has done. Let them without sin and all that. This is make or break for who holds loyalty to the Captain, and the turning point for who is going where. I think everyone except Jopson, Irving and Fitzjames ends up in the mutineers camp, and Irving ends up killed and mutilated by Hickey and Fitzjames is scavanged by them. Theres not one of them that isn't haunted by what happened in this scene, and Hickey would end up being the death of every single one of them. The only one who remains loyal after this is Jopson, who thinks his care and duty to the Captain can outweigh his other sins. Fitzjames and Crozier have a stronger relationship once he recovers from his withdrawal, yes, but Fitzjames also keeps him in check now (I'm thinking of Edward Little being threatened with flogging again because of course I am), and it is another step too late for Crozier's self-destruction. I've seen a Hickey/Fitzjames Christ analogy on here before too, so I hope you'll forgive me in comparing them, but Hickey in this scene really does get punished for everyone else's crimes in this scene, and becomes a sort of Christ-like figure, reborn as a complete version of the worst of himself from the pain of being lashed. They whipped something out of him!! Anyway, that about sums it up!

[kim-ruzek]

“Is that my shirt? ” for Burzek!

22. “Is that my shirt? ”

I had MANY ideas how to take this, but I decided on this...which turns out to be the best idea since this is a full on fic!!! It's 2.2k words long (actually, technically 2222 which is a neat fact) and I so, so hope you enjoy!!! This is your treat for being such an amazing person + gifmaker who I appreciate so much!

Nerves pooled in Kim’s stomach as she watches Adam standing in her new living room, looking around at it. He’s not looking critically, or with any real interest, Kim would bet, but the way his eyes scans the room makes her feel weirdly exposed, in display.

It shouldn’t. He may have never been in this apartment before, but he’s been in her old apartment, he’s seen how she decorates the place, the photos she keeps on display, how she organises things. Hell, they even lived together. She shouldn’t feel so nervous, so anxious to have him in her home. She hadn’t even felt this way the first time he was in her previous apartment.

But logic doesn’t factor in, no matter how much she wishes it did. This was the first time they’ve been alone in such an intimate way since the break-up. This apartment doesn’t even feel particularly new to her; she moved out of her old one a month after the breakup. But Adam’s never been here, never stood in here before. She’s had this place for months and this is the first time he’s seeing it.

They’ve been alone, since. The locker room, interrogation room, Molly’s, at Kev’s when he pops out for a minute. They’ve been tentatively rebuilding their friendship, and so there’s been times they’re alone, especially when they work together. But like this? Alone, in her place, no one else around, and not even an hour since they kissed? This is a whole other level of intimacy, and it’s wrecking havoc on her nerves.

Kim shouldn’t have invited him back here. But he was undercover, and Kim was oh so worried. He was gone, and she didn’t know if he was okay, when he’ll be back, if she’ll ever get the chance to apologise for how she ended things and her subsequent actions after. And then he was there, calling to her, talking to her.

Emotions were high, all she could think when he was gone was about how much she missed him, how much she wanted him, about how he was the best thing she ever had. Then they were kissing, softly at first, then deeper, firmer, and the taste of him was so good, so strong and Kim needed more, craved more.

Before she knew it, after they pulled away for breath, she was inviting him back to hers. To talk, she had quickly added after, trying to ignore how the words came out as a breathy whisper. A ghost of a smile had danced on Adam’s lips then.

To talk, he said, smiling. Yeah, I’d like that.

Adam had then told her he needed to talk to Voight first, and Kim had given him her address, heading home to await his arrival. Her nerves had doubled, tripled as she waited, gnawing at her nails as she questioned the decision to have him over.

And then he had knocked on the door, leading to him being here, in her apartment, standing in front of her.

“Do you want something to eat? I was going to put something on, but I thought I’d wait for you.” Kim asks him. Adam stops looking around the room, instead, looking right at her. He shrugs a little.

“Sure, I guess.” It’s awkward. It makes the air feel tense, suffocating, and all Kim wants to do is alleviate all the awkwardness, to make it feel good, natural between them again. Her stomach twists with worry, fearing that the only way she’d be able to do that is if she could turn back time.

“How did it go with Voight?” She tries a different question. Kim’s curious about this herself, with Rixton being here now. They rather, her and Kev, got the impression that Voight was pissed at Adam, and with how tight Voight and Rixton seems, she worries about what that means for Adam.

Adam’s jaw tenses, flexing slightly before he answers. “Bad. He’s angry with me. Replaced me, as I’m sure you know.”

“Rixton’s not temporary?” Kim says.

“That his name? Rixton? Yeah, he’s not temporary. Here to stay, apparently. There’s no room for me, now.” Adam’s voice is collected, and because Kim knows him, because he was her fiancé, because they were to be married, she knows how much restraint he’s welding right now to not outwardly show his frustration. He sighs, sitting down on her sofa.

“What does that mean for you? I mean, he can’t just kick you out, right? You went undercover, you did a good thing for this city.” Kim takes a couple steps towards him before halting herself. She wants to be near him, to comfort him, but she gave up that right.

Adam lets out a dry, humourless laugh. “You’d think. No, apparently because I took off without telling him, that means I’m out. Even though he pretty much implied that if I had just asked, he’d have let me. So I’m on patrol duty now. Guess it’s only right,”

“Adam,” Kim sighs, her heart aching for him. Intelligence is his life, and this, this is devastating for him. And it’s all because of her, because she broke it off, because she didn’t try hard enough to make sure he was okay with her moving upstairs.

“I’m sorry, Adam. That’s... that’s not fair. You don’t deserve this.” She says, approaching him, and tentatively sitting on the sofa cushion beside him. He waves her off.

“It’s fine, really. I should’ve asked, this is my fault.”

“No, it’s not.” Kim tells him, firmly, instinctively reaching out to rest her hand on his arm, giving it a comforting squeeze. Adam’s looking forward, but his head jerks around at the touch, looking at where her hand touches him. She pulls away, inwardly cursing herself for being too casual, too familiar with him.

“This is on me. I’m sorry, if I hadn’t...if I hadn’t broke up with you, if everything that happened hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have needed to go undercover. And now, because of me, you’re... you lost your place.” Kim’s voice breaks slightly, something she berates herself for. This is about him, telling him this, apologising and trying to amend things. Not about her, and her feelings, and her hurt and ego.

“Kim, no,” Adam shakes his head, turning in the seat to look at her. “Listen to me, this isn’t on you. Look, okay, I’m not going to argue with you that had things between us happened differently, I wouldn’t have gone undercover. But I made the choice not to tell Voight. I should’ve, but I was worried that if I told him I needed time away that he’d bump me down—ironic, really. Or that he wouldn’t keep you upstairs, and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. So I ran. And now I’m paying for it, and that’s on me.”

Kim gives him a smile. “Look at you. You just lost your job and you’re concerned about me. You’re a good man, Adam Ruzek. I must’ve been crazy to let you go.”

The last sentence fell out of her mouth before she can stop it. It was merely meant to just be a wistful thought for her mind alone, but her mouth had betrayed her, the nerves weakening her filter, and now the words are out there.

They stare at each other, neither one knowing how to respond to what she just said. The air between them becomes awkward once more, but also thick, tense, and Kim knows that the kiss they shared is heavy on both of their minds.

Adam clears his throat. He moves back as he does so, alerting Kim to realise that they had both leaned in to each other. “Uh, you said something about dinner?”

His voice is a little raspy, and she tries not to focus on how it makes her feel, how it sends shivers down her spine, how it makes her ache for him, how the air thickens with intention. Instead she moves back herself, taking his out.

“Yeah. Should I make your favourite? I’ve got the ingredients.” Kim offers. Adam flashes her that gorgeous, heart fluttering smile of his.

“I’d like that. If you don’t mind.” Kim smiles at him.

“I don’t mind. It’ll be my pleasure.” She says. Her mind goes back to the first time she ever cooked him dinner, and she wonders if he’s thinking about that moment too.

“Uh. Also, if you don’t mind. Can I use your shower, before dinner? I feel a bit ugh.”

“Yeah, sure you can. It’s this way. Come, I’ll get you some towels too.” Kim leads him through her apartment, and into her bedroom, her heart skipping a beat as she does so.

“The bathroom is through that door there, and I’ll get you those towels.” Kim indicates. She expects to see him gone, in the bathroom by the time she turns back around with the towels, but he’s not. He’s still standing in her bedroom, staring off, to the right of her.

“Is that my shirt?” He asks before she can even wonder what possibly could’ve caught his eye. Kim spins, quickly turning to look at what he’s spotted, her face no doubt turning a fierce share of red. Lying hung over her chair is one of his old shirts, and Kim’s face burns redder as she remembers tossing it there this morning after wearing it to bed.

“Uh, um..” Kim stammers. She’s turned back round to look at him, eyes wide, feeling ever so much like a deer caught in headlights. She sighs, knowing there was no way out of this, no denying it. After all, before she nabbed it from him, way back when they first started dating, it was his favourite shirt. No doubt why he recognise it with ease.

“Yeah. It is.”

Adam looks at her strangely. “I assumed you tossed any other items of my clothing that you found at yours—after giving me back everything. I noticed I still didn’t have stuff and I just assumed.”

“I—uh—that was never a consideration. And this, me having this, it isn’t a accident, you know? I deliberately didn’t give it you back. I know that doesn’t make sense but I couldn’t let all of you go.” Kim admits.

A few months ago, the thought of admitting this would be impossible for her, but that was before, this is now. This is happening after Adam went undercover and she learnt what life could be like without him in it in any capacity. This is happening after they kissed for the first time since the morning they broke up. This is happening when all Kim wants is to turn back time, to have him forgive her and take her back.

Something dawns on him. She can tell, because his expression shifts, because she knows his face, his expressions, everything so well. She had wished that she’d forget, but it’s etched so deep into her mind she knows she never will.

“You never stopped loving me, did you?” He asks. Adam’s looking so shocked at her, and it makes her realise she still has so much to learn exactly what the breakup did to him, how it made him feel, what he thought.

“No, I never did. I couldn’t. Some days I wished I did, because it’d be simpler. But I don’t think I can ever stop loving you.” Kim tells him. She then takes a deep breathe, knowing this is it, knowing that this is her moment. “And I never want to. I love you, Adam Ruzek, and I want us to be us, again.”

Adam stares, shocked, unblinkingly, frozen at her. Kim’s heart pounds, and she quickly begins to speak again.

“I know I don’t deserve another chance, and I know we have a lot to work out, a lot to talk about, a lot for me to apologise for. And I know I was selfish, but I want to be selfish again, because I want you, Adam. I want you so, so much. I’ve been sleeping in your shirt, wishing it still smelt like you. So, if there’s any chance—” Kim rambles, and then Adam is moving, striding towards her, interrupting her as he softly grabs at her, as he kisses her with all he has.

And then Kim is kissing him back, pressing her body against his. Tasting him, touching him, needing him. She’s been craving him, and now she’s got him kissing her again, she wastes no time in getting her fix. Kim knows her kisses are filled with desperation, with desire. She’s holding nothing back, holding no passion from the kiss, moaning wantonly as she does so. She doesn’t care, all she cares about is him, kissing him, having him.

Adam pulls away, and Kim moans at the loss of contact. Only of their lips, as he’s holding her as tight as she’s holding him. They breath hard, out of breath from the prolonged kiss, looking deep into each other eyes.

“If that didn’t give you any indication, darlin’, let me be perfectly clear: I want you, I need you, I love you and you most definitely going to be able to have my shirt smell like me. And I’m never letting you go again.”

[begrudginglytumbling]

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six

Part Five!

Now with gifs!...since I’ve learnt the most basic of basic gifmaking and it was actually quicker than trying to pause at just the right moment, which has been enough of an issue previously to make me swear through gritted teeth.

Time for Love O2O - that’s both the film and the series since the little overachiever just had to get cast in both.

Ready?

Bai Yu plays a character called Cao Guang in both the film and drama. In the film he seems to be a smushed together version of what in the drama are two separate people.

Now then do you see this slightly bewildered expression while looking at a computer screen? Because this was basically me watching Love O2O, both film and drama.

Why the bewilderment?

Well, I’ve come to expect a certain level of odd sitting and leaning from Bai Yu. I almost expect all his characters to be some form of Bi Disaster now. But Cao Guang? So far I’ve never seen Bai Yu sit so straight. It’s slightly unnerving, in a similar way to if someone went into your house and moved things just slightly to the left. There’s not enough of a difference to cause major problems, but there’s enough for your mind to feel uncomfortable and twitchy because something is just off.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, he still does his Bai Yu thing, but it’s almost muted, I suppose is the best word to use for it.

We’ll start with the film version, which also has the alternate title of One Smile is Very Alluring apparently.

Before this moment, he’s actually sitting properly at the desk. Both feet were on the floor and everything which was just weird. But then he stood and transitioned into a lean, that made it a little less weird.

This is, technically, also further evidence that if something is at Bai Yu butt height, he will lean/sit on it. I think I’m going to have to start capitalising it since Bai Yu Butt Height now seems to be a Thing.

(I could not get this paused at just the right moment, so here, have a gif)

And look here! He’s sitting kinda properly and only vaguely uncomfortable looking, but that has more to do with the situation than the sitting.

Seriously, so weird.

If we stick with just the general premise of ‘does he sit or doesn’t he’ then being on a horse counts...even though watching the game scenes hurt me in a major secondhand embarrassment way. Just...the outfits, people, and the hair...I just...I can’t.

At one point he gets his arse handed to him multiple times, which leads to quite a bit of time on the floor.

Even the set refuses to let Bai Yu get up and support his own body weight apparently. The weirdness of him standing under his own power is obviously just too much.

Too odd.

Too strange.

He must be returned to his natural state of being.

The car magnet he’s got implanted in his backside did manage to do its job though...even if it was in the background and barely lasted a couple of seconds at most.

Now then, the drama. Admittedly I only got to episode 11 then I started skipping because I got a bit bored with the main pairing and general story. But the bits I skipped to? Yeah...I may have gone a little over fixated on the whole way of sitting thing since I found myself analysing the degree of leg bend when his feet weren’t in shot to gauge whether or not both feet were planted on the ground or if one was on top of the other and...yeah, let’s just say it was a good thing when I got to the end of this drama. For what remains of my sanity if nothing else.

Look, most of the time, if he’s not standing and walking, he’s like this.

Sitting properly, feet on the floor. And yeah, it counts as not supporting his own weight. But what happened to the floor is lava? How hard was it for him not to cross his legs, or put one foot on top of the other, or rest his feet on something else?

He does cross this legs sometimes, and you can even see it fully a couple of times.

Like here, this is what I’ve come to expect. This is a normal seated look for this man.

He sits.

He flicks one leg over the other.

He’s happy.

Simple.

But most of the time, he doesn’t have his legs crossed in this drama. Which led me to leaning forward and squinting at the screen when moments like this came along.

Because those legs are crossed. I’m sure of it.

Cao Guang, as a character, is not the kind of person to sit like this often. Bai Yu, as a person, can’t seem to stop himself fully though.

And look at this.

When it comes to this desk, this is the weirdest he sits. Which isn’t weird at all! It’s still kinda sitting properly!

And then this. This is one of those moments where I spent way too long staring at his legs trying to determined if he had one foot on top of the other.

From the angle, and the shadows, and the different heights of his knees, I have decided that yes, he does had one foot on top of the other. He is playing the floor is lava when the camera can’t see his feet.

(...don’t judge me for diving off the deepend on this one. I’m already judging myself hard enough)

Cao Guang might not be much of a weird sitter, but he is still a slight leaner if the opportunity presents itself.

Especially in Bai Yu Butt Height circumstances.

But in general, he’s less of a full body lean, and more of a light, quick lean. And it always seems to be on things he himself has placed there.

Like a moped,

or a camera.

He does sit on the floor in a sweaty mess after having his arse handed to him in a 1 on 1 basketball game.

Seriously, if you want a sweat physically dripping off of him Bai Yu, then this is the scene for you.

Further sittingwise you have some general sitting in what I think it meant to be a foreign country(?).

And the delightful lift-and-turn he’s got going on here.

(and I’ve only just realised that ErXi has her hand up as though if she can’t see the teacher, then the teacher can’t see her. I adore this woman, she’s just so cute)

Hospitals.

Every character of Bai Yu’s I’ve encountered so far has a different way of sititng in hospitals.

Zhao Yunlan looks like he’s barely seconds away from either sliding to the floor or giving himself back problems, Xie Nanxiang is partial to a lean or a cross legged sit. Cao Guang? I would describe it as he sits like a bloke - legs spread, elbows resting on his knees. This might honestly be the straightest Bai Yu character I’ve ever encountered.

Of course he also has an in-game character in this. The wig is less cringe worthy than in the film, but there is something about his eyes in this that freaks me the fuck out so you won’t be getting on the floor pictures or looking in the direction of the camera pictures because looking at it too much seems to trigger a mild fight, flight, or freeze response in me. And I’m in no mood to deal with such ridiculousness.

So, in game character. He does spend time on the floor, only a little though. Most of his time is actually spent walking. But then they get in a boat and Bai Yu gets to indulge in his favoured elbow hook seated position generally reserved for benches and breakfast bar surface things when he’s on a stool.

Ok, last but not least, the moped!

This is a moped that birthed a headcanon for me.

It would seem that regardless of character, if something is a form of transport with wheels, then Bai Yu will find some way to sit or lean on it.

And y’know what? He is fully capable of looking damned good while doing so.

So that’s it? I think the conclusion I can draw from this one is that Bai Yu’s sitting, leaning, and lounging habits are things he can either turn up or tone down depending on the character. It’s just that more often than not the characters he plays allow him to turn it up. But Gao Guang was one of the more subdued ones, more straight blokey vibes, than Bi Disaster ones.

Both film and drama are available on Netflix (at least here in the UK they are).

They’re also on YouTube - film - drama - with subtiles and pretty good quality.

And both are on DramaCool - film - drama

The drama is on Viki too.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six

[legolaslovely]

Winner

A/N: Happy Fíli Friday, my friends! @cassiabaggins​ asked me who would win an arm wrestling match between Fíli and Kíli and besides writing one hell of a rant, I also wrote this! Hope you guys enjoy the fun.

Pairing: Fíli x Reader

Word Count: 1,191

NOW LOOK AT THE SWEET BABES!! Thanks to the gifmaker!

“Brother against brother!” Dwalin yelled, lifting his mug of ale high into the air with such force, it caused beer to slosh down his arm. 

You threw a napkin down on the wet spot on the floor and mopped it up with your boot. The last thing you needed was someone falling and breaking their neck because of your friends’ recklessness and your One’s pride. 

“I wish you wouldn’t encourage them,” you said with a playful elbow wedged into Dwalin’s ribs.

“It’s harmless!” he boomed. “Balin and I used to do the same quite often.” He leaned down to you with a smirk. “But I always won.”

“I’m sure,” you said.

Fíli and Kíli were sharing a table, sat across from one another in the busy pub. Were they sharing a peaceful drink? Discussing the art or literature they’d consumed in the past week? Planning a quiet, enjoyable way to pass the remainder of the evening? No. Alas, the two brothers were arm wrestling. Because how else does one spend his time after living for three quarters of a century?

Though you rolled your eyes, crossed your arms over your chest, tapped your foot, and even gave the occasional emphatic sigh, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and affection for the two idiots below. They were your idiots. And it was said with a love that knew no bounds. 

But this was getting old. They’d been at it for far too long to stifle any kind of embarrassment for either one of them. The older couldn’t beat the younger. The archer couldn’t beat the swordsman. The lion or the wolf? The dark or the fair? You were sure it would never be settled this way. 

So you stepped up to the table and set your hands down, one on each side of the battlefield. 

“Careful now, kurduwê,” Fíli said. “I wouldn’t want Kíli’s fist to land on your poor fingers when he loses.”

Kíli’s laugh was a bit strained. “Nevermind, (Y/N). You’ll be fine as long as you stay where you are. It’s Fíli’s hand that will fall. You just wait.”

Though Fíli and Kíli’s eyes were trained on each other’s, yours were free to study the faces of the opponents. You could have laughed. They looked like animals- noses scrunched like a pig’s snout, teeth gritted together like the little rounds of a donkey’s mouth, chins jutted out like angry roosters- all coated in sweat like greasy, ale smelling slime.

“If we wait any longer I’m sure both your faces will stay like that for the rest of time. And what a shame that would be.”

“Don’t be sweet to us now,” Kíli said to you, baring his teeth even further in a burst of strength that moved Fíli’s fist less than hair’s length before it snapped back to the center. 

You straightened and held back a groan of disbelief and utter annoyance. Instead, you held your head high and pushed every negative feeling from your mind. Such thoughts wouldn’t stop your friends. But you knew how to bring a certain dwarf to his breaking point.

A delicate hand followed the back of Fíli’s chair, one finger barely touching his shoulders, as you circled around him to his free side. Your boot nudged his, kicking his foot out from under the table and into your view. The manipulation made his fighting arm wobble.

“(Y/N), what are you doing?” he asked.

You stepped between his legs and sat on his steady thigh which became your front row seat for the show. After running your nails up his free arm- letting them catch on the fabric of his tunic and tug to display a furry forearm- you allowed your fingers to settle around the nape of his neck. “Fíli,” you sang in his ear. “I’d like to go home now.”

“In a moment, kurduwê.”

“I know, I know,” you said, tucking his free arm around your waist. “You want to stay out with your friends, but seeing you like this has made me very impatient.” A fingertip left a trail through the thick beard on his cheek. “You understand.”

He grunted, sending his bicep bulging under his tunic as he pushed harder against Kíli’s power. A bead of sweat trickled along his hairline and down his neck as he said, “I don’t understand. I thought we were having a nice time to-together.” Push. Bulge. Wince. Grunt.

You glanced at Kíli, willing him to find some sort of super strength in that ale sloshing gut of his, but his arm didn’t budge. It was still up to you.

“How do I make this clear for you, Fíli?” you asked, allowing your voice to ride the wave of sweetness and caress the shore of passion. You swept his sweat slick braids over his shoulder, opening the curtain to his smooth, flushed skin. “I’d like you to take me home now,” you said.

“You can take him, lad!”

“Come on, now! You’re stronger than that!”

“Who wants to make a bet?”

All the voices in the tavern covered your own but you were sure Fíli heard your words and knew your exact meaning. 

“Oh.”

You hummed, kissing under his ear, over to his cheek, and on the turn of his jaw. Though you were surrounded by patrons, you were sure with all the tavern’s raucous, no one but Fíli would notice your hand travelling down his chest, over his belly, and lower…

Slam!

“Kíli wins!”

Kíli leapt to his feet, sending his stool crashing to the floor. “Yes! I knew it all along! I’m the stronger one!” he cried, shaking out his sore arm.

“I was distracted!” Fíli cried. He eyed you as he whined, but you watched his pitiful pout grow into a wide smile- pink lips, deep dimples, wagging mustaches.

“You’ll always be first place to me,” you said.

He chuckled. “I want you to remember that when Kíli is still bragging about this night in ninety years.”

“Oh, what have I done?”

Fíli hummed, but it turned to a growl as he lifted you from his lap. He led you through the barflies, most of whom cheered for his brother though some patted him on the back with well wishes.

“Chin up, lad,” Dwalin said with a harsh squeeze to the back of Fíli’s neck. “There will always come a day when the younger surpasses the older.”

Fíli gave you a good pinch for laughing at that. Then he yelled for Kíli. “Buy everyone a round on me!”

The tavern erupted with hearty bellows and thrusting fists. The patrons switched teams as if their spines were made of noodles- first cheering the hero who won their bets for them, then the generous buyer, before turning back to the champion. “Cheers to the winner!” echoed through the tavern.

Fíli led you out the door into the cool, quiet night. He pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your waist and sliding warm hands up your back. “Cheers to me,” he said before he kissed your lips. 

It seemed you would enjoy the remainder of your night after all. 

Kee would walk like this for at least 20 years after winning this and you can’t change my mind.

Taglist: @emrfangirl​ @misslongcep​ @raindancer2004​ @ladybugg1235​ @xxbyimm​ @burningcoffeetimetravel​ @fire-flv​ @nerdbirdsworld​​ @dashesofink​ @teagarages​ @dreams-of-wander​​ @winchesterandpie​ @bluebellcotton @tumblinglringlring @fxngsfogxarty @specialagentsnark @afeistyfairy12 @queenofmankind @karlthecat15722 @sagabriar @marymegger @aidan-kili-mitchell-forever @c-s-stars

[echo-three-one]

A Forgotten Memory

An Alex x OC fic

Chapter 7 babyyyy!

Link to chapter 1 along with the summary here

Reviews appreciated as I'm only human and I would like to improve as a writer

I'm running out of gifs (check out the gifmakers tho they're credited down there)

VII - Alex

"Echo Three-One to Actual. We've infilnitrated the location. But it looked like what we've speculated. It's just a cargo warehouse." Alex lowered his gun and hid it on his holster. They were disguised as local policemen as they're breaching a very public area. Echo Three-One frowned at the sight, he had high hopes that Samantha would be here, and he could rescue her and see her again.

He started to regret that he tolerated her actions last night. In his defense, she was scared and needed his presence. He even loathed himself for sleeping that night. How could he let her escape?!

Hey Alex. Just letting you know that I'm home safe. Maxine's here but she forgot about a whole day worth of memories. Maybe she just went out on a bar with her other friends. Can't say I'm not suspicious about it, but I'll be careful. You can swing by and help me discover what's going on with her if you want.

He remembered every word of her text. What's worse is that it actually didn't send, he found it on her apartment floor when he woke up and came looking for her. He misjudged her by thinking she wouldn't come back to her apartment, because her abductors might still be around. But then again, how would he know what's going on in her mind? She won't even share her life details at him. She just filled her with lies on top of more lies, but it was all okay for him, he respected her that she's good secrets she had to keep. He swore he shouldn't get attached to her but looking at himself now, It looked like he also failed that too.

He silently paced around and examined the whole warehouse. He trusted that the intel is correct and they're not barking at the wrong tree.

"This is Echo Three-One advising all units to locate the premises for other possible entry points." he radioed over the comms sending his team to scatter across the vicinity.

It was not long until one of the agents discovered a secret stairway disguised as a refrigerator door.

"Good job! What made you think about opening the damn fridge?" his friend congratulated with a tap on his shoulder.

"I dunno man, I felt hungry. But maybe it's my spy instinct telling me to open it." He humbly replied, Alex chuckled at the conversation before they began heading down the secret tunnel.

"Clear!" Each unit cleared the hallway full of different rooms on each side. It felt like they quickly abandoned the station, leaving unimportant heavy items that were left on the room. They cleared each door until all that's left is one double door at the far end of the hall.

Alex raised his heartbeat sensor as one pulasting dot bleeped from behind. His heartbeat sped as he believed it to be Samantha on the other side of the door. They carefully breached the room revealing a heavily sedated Samantha, bound on a dentist chair. She was unconscious but tears were falling from her eyes. Alex ordered the others to continue to the hallway while the other team escorts the HVI to extraction.

His hands trembled as he slowly lifter her up and carried her. He couldn't hide his concern toward her as his voice sounded afraid.

"GET A MEDIC. ASAP!" he roared as they make their way back to the entrance, glancing at her the moment her tears touched his arms.

"You're going to be okay..." he whispered.

***

"Yep this definitely reeks CIA." an old man with greying hair walked in front of Alex, dropping Samantha's lab results on the table as it makes it's way to Alex. His expression was worried as he looks intently at Alex.

"So, you think we're against each other now?" Alex raised his eyebrow at his supervisor. Supressing a smirk as he noticed that he cut his hair almost bald.

"Not necessarily... But this kind of drug is one of the abandoned projects from decades ago. The only existing sample of this is locked behind secure bunkers deep within the CIA." he crossed his arms and scratched his beard.

"Whoever we're dealing with here, has strong ties within CIA." He warned as Alex nodded in agreement.

"So, what's our plan?" Alex stood up, looking interested to hunt for the mole. His supervisor smirked and shook his head.

"This isn't your fight, kid. Your job is to ensure our HVI is safe. We still don't know who she is, even our facial scans and fingerprint recognition can't seem to pinpoint her. She's foreign but she doesn't look like one. If she cooperates with you, then we'll get a better lead at the case at hand." he pats Alex's shoulder.

"I trust you kept your professionalism when it comes to her, right?" Alex nodded as his eyes locked against his, he's testing if he's lying. Luckily Alex knows what cues he must avoid.

"Yes, Sir." he nodded, the look in his eyes told him that he passed. If he could conceal such lie, what else can the other people within the CIA conceal?

He'll leave the mole to them while he focused on his HVI, both professional and personal.

"Supply drop every Sunday right here." The older man targeted the area with a laser pen. Alex mentally studied the map. He had no idea what country it will be but a wide aerial viee is all he had to know. A dense forest with rivers stretching from each side. The house itself is like an abandoned log cabin on the outside but it's reinforced with bulletproof walls and other notable security features.

"Guess we're both going hunting in our own way as well." Alex remarked as his Commanding Officer chuckled.

"Hunting for information, that is.." Of course he wouldn't get his joke.

"We'll extract you 0300 hours tomorrow, whether she's unconscious or not. Good luck, Alex."

"Thanks, Jack." they both shook their hands as the meeting dismissed. While waiting for extraction, Alex decided it'd be best to stay by her side. In case her dream state would reveal vital information.

***

Alex stood beside her bed as the extraction team set up her dextrose. It kept her from starving all while she's unconscious to ingest something. The doctors instructed Alex how to refill her bags as she'd been asleep for almost a day.

"What if she wants to pee?" Alex asked the doctor, clearly embarrassed about his query.

"The drug effects that's making her unconscious is almost over. She'll be getting up in about three hours or so... So you don't have to worry about that, Alex."

"Uh.. thanks Doc. Have a safe trip home."

"Contact us if she feels uneasy or weird."

"Will do."

And with that, the medical team made their way out of the safehouse, leaving Alex and Samantha all alone in the middle of nowhere.

[seoschangbin]

Hi hi, it’s ya gal Rachel! To start off, this isn't really a follow forever but more of a mushy love fest. I was going to do this back in October when my blog hit 2 years but then with everything that happened... 😞✌ figured it wasn’t the best time! But since it’s the new year, I just wanted to spread some love to start off the decade, especially towards all the lovely people who have made my 2019 a little bit happier ♡ Thank you to everyone for making this such a fun & amazing year; thank you for supporting my gifs & graphics and interacting with me; overall, thank you for making Tumblr fun again! So to all my moots and followers, I’m wishing you all a very happy and wonderful 2020! 

I wanted to take some time as well to write some messages to all my mutuals - seeing you guys on my dash + all your work (if you’re a cc) is such a joy and I admire all of you very very much! Thank you for putting in the time to making gifs/graphics/fic/etc. and I hope you won’t mind if I gush about you a little, even if we’ve never spoken hehe! Under the cut in alphabetic order.. she’s a long one sorry!

@00hj | karen!! angel!! first of all, everything u make is just the cleanest cutest thing ever, i truly want your brain!.. u are such an incredibly talented gfx creator and i get heart palpitations every time i see ur work!! i adore u so much n ur tags are also so full of sweetness n purity and 😞💕 i just want to give u a hug!! + the way u always say hi to ccs in ur tags when u rb their stuff. cute!! pure!! 

@01degree | joanna!! first of all... thank u for filling my dash with so many groups, some of which i almost never get to see 😌💕 ur brain being multi af like me.. chefs kiss! also! you make such clean and nice gifs please don’t ever doubt that laskjd!! 2020 joanna stops saying her gifs suck! idk how u make them so clean but legends only! bls remember to be kind to yourself this year! 💕

@1095 | nicolle!! i haven’t seen you around recently but i hope everything is okay and you’re doing well! i have to say that your graphics are absolutely INSANE i don’t know how you do it!! the colours.. how it all comes together.. amazing! ur career as a graphic designer will be a good one 😌👍 secondly your urls are always so cute nd nice!! and thirdly back to number 1.. i just love everything you make so so much bls come back to us 😖

@3noracha |  falak.. ur the fandom’s gem.. the sharpening on ur gifs takes my breath away everytime + the colouring.. omg chef’s kiss!! i didn’t know you before you came back earlier this year but i’m so so glad you did come back bc u are so full of love 😳💗 you make the cutest graphics as well and are just radiate so much positivity 💞

@bamgchan | henri! still my confident car selfie king!! so glad i found you through sagey.. i love all your content (ur graphics.. always so well put together!) and the way you interact with people is so full of energy and positivity and i adore that! i hope 2020 treats you well 🥰

@banghans | ollie!! all of ur content.. ur gifs! amazing.. wonderful.. iconic thank you for providing so much hq content for the rest of us peasants 😌💕 your love for chan and jisung is also so pure n cute when u rave abt it 💞 bls stop being so hard on yourself and i love reading about how you’re always striving to be better to yourself! i hope 2020 is a good year for you 💖

@binnieseason | emily.. a loss for binnie stans that you’re gone 😔 anyways i hope to see you back sometime because you make such nice gifs + the colouring on them.. so pretty and clean.. how to be you! i hope things are okay with you and that you’ve been well!

@cb-97s | miss li! y/a novel protagonist herself!! li you’re a burst of sunshine in my day and i love chatting w u! your love for chan.. too pure 😭 every time i talk to you i’m like.. dang.. she’s real.. ppl get to see her for real! might force u to meet me irl 🤷‍♀️ also queen of gfx.. always so clean.. 😍 i know it’s been a stressful year for you but i hope 2020 brings you happiness and love 💞 love u! 

@changbeanie | hi ruby! ur graphics are always so intricate n pretty + the colouring on ur gifs.. so pretty 😭💖 thank you for providing like 90% of the changbin content nd keeping me well-fed 🥰 ur always so sweet to ur anons as well and are just a lil ray of sunshine ☀️

@changbinie​ | jo.. what even is there to say abt u.. still can’t believe i got u into skz.. CAN’T!!! thanks for suffering w me and dealin w me wakin u to talk abt middies.. + changbin arms.. i love u a little i think (?) 

@channie | hi fishy! ur one of the very first skz blogs i ever followed back in 2017.. we ancient 😌🤙 i know you’re not too active anymore but all of your gifs have like. the prettiest colouring ever idk how you do it! i hope you’ll come back to us 

@elfminho | min! i love the way u tag skz in your tags.. so cute 😭 star boy!!! cute 😭 ur gifs are also lovely as well 🥰 i think ur one of the first skz blogs i followed when i starting using this blog again n i’m glad i found ur blog bc i adore u 💞

@glowsvt | grace.. my little baby! i wish i could just !! get into ur brain how lovely nd wonderful of a human you are.. have more confidence in yourself! 😣 you make wonderful graphics.. ur style! cute! and you have such a sweet and good heart!! i love when you ramble about things and always appreciate how you take the time to reach out to me despite how busy you are 💕 thank you for being a real-life angel, i hope 2020 is good and kind to you 🙇‍♀️💞

@hanjisungz | britt!!! nerd squad let’s go!! you’re such an angel, the way you treat everyone who talks to you with so much kindness and positivity makes me want to cry!! ur truly just the cutest sunbeam and just such lovely lovely human!! thank u for puttin up with my late replies and how boring i am 😭 i also adore your gifs and icons.. which you know.. but always.. chefs kiss to them!

@huiracha | marie... first of all skz AND ptg? great, amazing, fantastic combination... galaxy brain 💞 secondly, u make such SUCH nice gifs 😭 ur prob one of my fav skz ccs and all ur pretty chan comp sets.. always look forward to them! thank u for also bringing me ptg content i never see enough of them 💕

@hwang-hyunjin | agnes!! ur topaz settings r always insane and they make your gifs look amazing!! + the colouring u do is always so beautiful!! the combo rly makes ur gifs so distinctive nd pretty💞 ur edits too!! just lovely 🥰 also the fact that we’re also moots on our mx blogs.. amazing.. i love a staybebe!! 

@hyunjins​ | godleigh???? still one of my fav gifmakers ever!! perfect colouring.. sharpening.. best brain! 💞 rmbr ur skz x prince series... still think abt it sometimes.. wish i could be half as brilliant as u!  i’m so glad we started talking bc u are incredibly funny and fun to talk to and i love witnessing ur breakdowns even though they’re probably way funnier to me than they should be 😭 love that u vibe w me and we can be mean together 😭 thank u for giving me this url 😭 thank u for being my friend, u truly are like. half the reason i enjoy being on this blog 😭 you’re wonderful and i love u a lot! sorry for clowning u sometimes! i hope everything sorts itself out soon bc u deserve some peace nd happiness 😩 and i wish u nothing but the best for this year and hope that the next year will be filled with good things 💖

@ifbin | mikaela.... u know i could talk abt you forever right???? ur graphics.. bro 😭 literally my fav gfx ever on this site.. u have such a vibrant + clean style it’s so sexy 😭 literally am in love with everything u make.. every time i see it i’m like 😳💖 also you’re such a sweetheart in your tags i can’t with you... spare friendship miss 💍

@jeonginz | bri! honestly.. i think you’re my oldest mutual from when we first started our blogs during survival era #ogs? 😳 when i found out you were nctmark... mind blown... anyways all your content is AMAZING even though u dont make as much for skz anymore msdg but ur dedication to all ur sideblogs.. galaxy brain 😌

@jinlix | kelly...!! still gazing at u across the river i love love love u!! how to purchase friendship? ur just the purest snowflake and a wonderful person with the cutest tags... ur love for hyunjin.. CUTE 💞 all your graphics are so pretty and clean as well.. dragonlix gfx never forgotten.. 😳 and you’re rly just a little angel!! 💞

@kim-woojins​ | emma, i know that you’re gone and closed pretty much but if you come back to this! just wanted to let you know that you were my fav woojin cc and i hope you’ll consider coming back someday 💖 your gifs.. always amazing! plus, you’re such a kind person and i hope everything is okay with you and things have settled a bit! sending you lots of love 💕

@kittylixie | moon.. honestly one day i just started seeing ur content everywhere.. ur gifs are so clean and pretty and just! mwah! you’re always so quick to gif as well i don’t know how you to do it! all the stuff you choose to gif as well.. best moments 💖

@kmwoojins | sagey.... still don’t really know how i came to be following you! 😩 but i’m so happy i am because you are so pure and sweet and i adore adore adore you!! 💞 love how welcoming and lovely you are as a human and still laugh every time i think about how shocked you are about jo and i... 😌 anyways i adore your graphics and you, thank you for just being such a lovely human, you were a wonderful part of my year 💖

@leeminho-s | hi lia! i know we only became moots recently but all your gifs.. so pretty 😳 and we never have enough minho content.. thank you for providing 😫 i’m sorry i don’t know much about you yet but i just wanted to say i admire your gifs so much and hope you have a wonderful start to the new year!

@minknows | hi thien! first of all.. your name.. so lovely 😳 secondly.. the colouring on your gifs is always so pretty and good 😭❤ the sharpening too.. 😔 just!! chefs kiss to it all, would take a class on how to gif from you 🙇‍♀️

@nochous | dez!! we haven’t interacted much on this sb of mine but hehe i loved our convo on my sf9 blog.. still always thinkin abt you calling kun daddy 😭 you’re such a fun person to talk to and i hope everything is okay with you since you’ve gone on a semi-hiatus! i hope we’ll have another chance to talk soon, sending you some good energy for 2020 💗

@prodskz | hi neha! i feel like you took a hiatus sometime this year (??) where i didn’t see you on much but i’m happy to see you a little more active on here now!! u provide such nice content + for some reason i rly rly love your icon 😭💗

@realstraykids | miss em.. secret santa FATED us 😔💕 anyways i adore you, we are the core of fantastay culture and this will forever unite us 😌 i’m vibrating at the thought of their comeback 😖 ANYWAYS you are such a friendly and lovely person and i enjoyed getting to talk with u so much over the past couple of weeks 💖 you’re one of my fav gifmakers honestly your mv aesthetics swap.. as i said.. 😭 amazing iconic showstopping! + the colouring on all your gifs.. so pretty 😭

@seungminhos |  to quote you. you are far too funny to be a gifmaker 😣 but then who would provide all the good seungmin content.. 😞 you’re such a force of nature on my dash and i love reading all your thoughts bc you are Funny.. and your love for seungmin + how you always want the best for him is pure!! our sporadic interactions too.. always enjoy them 💕 even though i know you’re stressed about being on here sometimes, i want you to know that you’re wonderful and i appreciate all you do to bring more seungmin on our dashes 💗 pls stop threatening to delete your blog, i would be devastated 😫

@seungminsmile | aurora!! the one time i was about to have a seungmin breakdown and went to you... hehe you’re such a cutie and very grounded person (imo!!) and you make the cutest little graphics.. the little doodles.. how do you do that!! 😳 and now that you’re making gifs.. Queen! i hope your first semester went well! 💕

@seunie | hello nia!! i know we are still new moots but you are such a pure soul.. just ur blog title.. angel! you radiate so much love and sweetness 💞 your gifs are always so vibrant + colourful as well and bring a bit of colour onto my dash just like you! hopefully we can speak in the coming year, i wish you the very best! 🥰

@skzbffie | rayana... all ur gifs... bro.... how to start a rayana religion... amazing 😍 ur gifs are always so clean + i can recognize them by the subtitle font you use.. u always choose the best moments to gif honestly how to be u! honestly ur tags are fun to read too don’t judge me i am just an admirer and fan of u 😭

@skznta | miss sierra! idk how to put it into words but you... goddess of goodness? you truly radiate so much positivity and happiness and it makes me so.. uwu (for lack of better words).. you’re so so cute over all your love for science and i’m glad we got to bond over that! the way you’re always striving to learn more + improve yourself.. u inspire me 😳 you are also an incredible cc and thank you for bringing so much joy into the fandom and my life!! i feel very grateful to have gotten to know you a little this year 💞

@thechanboys | jem.. u are a GEM... 😭 the way i got u for secret santa i’ll never get over it!! you are just such sunshine and so fun to talk to and 😳💞 if u ever wanna abandon bin for me.. 😌 my fav number one chan/bin stan..! i’m so happy you got into skz this year and i’m gonna try my hardest to get you into some other groups hehe 🤧 anyways, you are incredible, lovely, wonderful, amazing i love u jem!! 💖

@tinyjisung | bea! honestly.. we are moots on like 3(?) blogs our multi selves.. galaxy brain...  i know ur more active on ur ateez blog but i wanted to write abt you here anyways because I CAN! 😌 but i love all that good san content you provide + you just seem like a very calm n fun person 💕

@virgolix | nina. you’re such a cute person filled with love and you just spread so much positivity and good energy! you treat everyone with so much kindness and it’s so nice to see 💖 and if i can rave about your gifs for a minute... they are unreal 😫 the sharpening.. colouring.. always so amazingly clean + pretty + vibrant! 

@wonstal | hi hi! okay.. i adore all your content, you have the cutest colouring ever!! + topaz settings.. so pretty 😖💞 even though we started off as moots on my mx blog, i’m so glad you got into skz and ateez + will be on your sweet merry way to sf9 soon 🤞 i’m glad we’ve just started chatting a bit because you seem super fun and i’m excited to get to know you better! i hope 2020 treats you well darling 💖

@yongbells | iana.. hope everything is okay with you always and sending you lots of love! i miss seeing you on here but i hope you’re taking good care of yourself 💗 also.. gfx queen... 😖 you’re SUCH a ray of sunshine.. the way you always tell people how much you love their creations is so kind and all of your own gfx are some of the most beautiful things ever 💖 we are so blessed to have you in this fandom 😩 

[imchangkyuns]

hi everyone!! it's your local hyungkyun enthusiast rachel!! so i somehow (???) hit 5.5k a while ago and i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who follows me for supporting my gifs/gfx, even though i’m not as active anymore ♡ 

anyways i really wanted to take this time to do a moot appreciation to all the lovely people that i follow!! i don’t follow a lot so this ff is kind of small but i want to shower you all with love!! a lot of the people i knew when i first started this blog are gone, so y’all are the real heroes - thank you angels for filling my dash up with all the good mx content! it’s a little long but i wanted to write about each of you so please bear with me hehe 

@bluehairjooheon​​ |  n..... you make some of the best gifs (all the great jooheon content thank u!) and i love love seeing you on my dash bc your tags are also so fun to read (lol) + i can’t imagine all the work you’ve put into making podsta x come to life, you’re.. royalty

@calemiel | emy, you’re one of my fav multifandom blogs! your colouring on your gifs is always so sexy and nice and your edits are truly the cutest thing ever :(

@chachayeon | hi nicole! i can’t believe you follow me on this blog too lol but i’m glad!! god i love all my multi stans and i adore how friendly and lovely as a human you are!

@changkyuns | arin, you radiate so much positivity and cuteness and i love seeing kyunbebes on my dash!! also your url is godly and all your graphics are the cutest n cleanest thing! truly queen

@ckyun | hi nat!! i don’t know if you’ll ever see this but you were probably the og kyunbebe from when i first made this blog?? i miss seeing your content bc you rly did have the most godly graphics and i hope you’re doing well!

@coups | hi sally! you make the cuuuuutest edits and the colouring on your gifs is always the softest ever!! i love seeing all the content you produce, thank you for feeding my multi ass heart!

@dearmingki | romi you’re a fake monbebe smh (hehe) but thank you for providing all the good ateez content!! when we first became moots, you were still a mx blog but now that you’re also an atiny i’m v v glad! so happy to have you providing all the good mingi content

@hyungkyun | cristina, your tags are so fuckin funny sometimes i lose my mind, also your gifs are wonderful!! i love the moments you always choose to gif and thank you for making so much changkyun content!!

@hyunqheon | hi hi! i haven’t seen you on my dash in a while so i hope everything is okay with you! i love that you post a lil abt everything including girl groups bc it’s rly nice n refreshing to see!

@hyxngwons​ | agnes i really have to say we’re hive mind.. i think we stan all the same groups hehe... anyways! you’re such a sweet person and i love love all your content bc the colouring and topaz is always so beautiful!!

@insmiles | lauren! honestly.. feels like i’ve been following you forever and we’re moots on like 3 (?) of my blogs lol, you’re the one who feeds me the most with all my fav groups and thank you for always bringing my attention to new/underrated groups!

@jookyun | shrad ugh my good kyunbebe gal sorry i’m so terrible at keeping in touch i hope you’ve been doing well! you’re a little angel but also so so funny and i love talking to you! thank you for reaching out to me when we first became moots, you truly are.. Angel!

@kihyunslips | hi lovely!! feel i like followed you back in mar 2017 when i made this blog, thank you for being so active and keeping up w all the mx content + good text posts and memes hehe 

@minhyukie | hi amy! honestly think i followed u when i saw someone rb ur selfies n i was like. is this. Angel? u are so so funny and your love for minhyuk is so so pure! you’re one of my fav gifmakers so thank you for always gifing all the good content w the cutest colouring, hope you’re taking care of yourself!

@mxluv | cheryl! you make such lovely content and i’m so glad the fandom (read: me) has you! i always adore the colouring you do on your gifs as well!

@naekkung​ | dani.. how long have we been moots... so long.. you’re one of my fav people on here and so so friendly to everyone and i adore you! ur multi ass out there stanning all the good bgs and ggs too, love that.. thank you for spreading so much love and good content.. truly heavenly cc.. your graphics. chefs kiss

@nubebe | fucking no offense but i’m a fool and only realized days later... i can’t believe i FORGOT U bitch someone kill me! anyways going back to write this even though u may never see it bc :( kei every graphic u make is honestly the sexiest and loveliest thing ever, you have SUCH a galaxy brain and are so so talented and i adore u and all ur creations!!! anyways feel free to slide into my dms and kill me in one shot for forgetting u bc ur truly one of my favourite ccs on tumblr!

@showbebe​ | yoelin baby!! can’t believe you knew me from my mx blog and then i migrated into the fantasy world and you were there again... that’s Fate. you’re such a sweetheart and so so enjoyable to see - i know you’ve been busy lately but i hope life has been treating you well!

@spookiheon​ | amanda, you truly say some of the funniest things that crack me up.. i think you’re the earliest mx blog i followed that’s still active here so wow ur the true number 1 of tumblr user changkyunned’s heart

@sunnpils | i honestly feel like i’ve been following you forever sam haha, thank you for making gifs for so many groups, esp the rose!! i feel like i never see them enough

@thekihyun | amanda... ur probably like. The OG mx blog i followed i feel like it’s been so long since i clicked that lil follow button.. you’re probably one of my favourite ccs on here and all the gifs you make are always of the funniest content

@wonsheon | lissa!! you always provide w the good mx content n i didn’t realize u also liked sf9 too?? you’re so pure and i love that you’re also multi hehe i hope you had a nice time on your vacation!

@wonstal | hi angel!! please do drop your name in my dms sometime.. i’m dying to know! your gifs are always the top tier quality and i’m so happy you’re not into skz too!! your colouring is always the softest and cutest + your topaz settings!! thank you for always blessing me w your god-tier gifs

@yoonqiful | ash!! you’re a lovely human being and so friendly, can’t believe you sucked me into the hole of long haired hyungwon :( all of your gifs are really lovely and i adore seeing them!

@17dad | not sure why you follow me gen... you’re one of my fav svt blogs, thank you for always bringing so much content of them onto my dash! 

@190629seonghwa​​ | nat.. why do u even follow me on this BLOG LOL anyways i adore you, adore all your mx content, adore how sweet and friendly and loving you are and think u are a goddess.. queen of providing all the good hq ateez & seonghwa (satan) gifs 

[overthinkingkdrama]

Can you explain to me what makes IU a good actress in your eyes? I like her but I’m also really trying to understand why everyone’s praising her to the skies after My Mister. My favorite performance from her is actually in Producers, where I thought she stole the show from the other leads. But Ji Eun in My Mister always just has this one same steely look, and in gifs of the show I feel this one-dimensionality becomes very obvious: I couldn’t tell if she was feeling angry, or sad, or numb, etc.

(Continuing from my last ask about IU’s acting): the same with Man Wol in HDL. She does all the right expressions, and they’re all quite convincing, but I never feel like they go beyond the surface. Maybe she’s just not good at micro-expressions and that’s what I’m having trouble with? I hope you don’t mind this ask. I’m not ratting on her because I genuinely enjoy her shows and especially loved her in Producers, but I am struggling to understand the sudden love for her acting post HDL.

(More on IU): compare her with someone like, say, Han Ye-ri, or Esom, or PMY, who all have these really expressive embodiments of their respective characters, and the difference becomes quite stark, I feel.

***

Let me start off by saying that I don’t pretend to have any expertise in the subject of acting. I both praise and criticize it as an amateur and a layman. I just know what works for me and what doesn’t work for me. So when you ask me this question, understand that for me the measure of what makes someone a good actor or a bad actor will always, by necessity, have an huge element of subjectivity to it. What is good or bad is going to be largely in the eye of the beholder. And so when I answer you it’s going to be on the basis of my subjective opinion and my experience following Lee Ji Eun’s acting consistently through 5 different projects since 2015.

That being said, there has been a dramatic turn around in the general fandom response to IU’s acting in the past two years, and that’s not by accident. She’s been involved in some high profile projects (My Mister, Persona, and most recently HDL) that have allowed her to showcase different aspects of her talent and demonstrate a distinct progression in her technical abilities and people are sitting up to take notice.

Three years ago I was interacting with posts on tumblr about her lead role in Scarlet Heart Ryeo, where both Knetz and English speaking drama fans were claiming that she was single-handedly ruining the show for them. That she only had one, saucer-eyed expression and that she wasn’t able to keep up with her more seasoned male costars.  Now that she’s in the fandom’s good graces they like to forget, but the vitriol (which female idols in general still frequently face, btw) was nearly constant at that time. I wholehearted disagreed with her critics then, and I disagree with them now.

I had first become aware of IU while watching Producers, which was also the first drama I ever watched as it was airing in the days of Dramafever. I was completely enamored with her portrayal of Cindy and I, like you, thought she completely stole the show, despite coming into the drama as a fan of her costars. From then on, I’ve been a fan of her as an actor and I’ve enjoyed all of her subsequent projects to greater or lesser degrees.

My Mister was the turning point in her career.  I’m on the record on tumblr as saying that My Mister is my favorite Kdrama. Ji An is my tumblr icon. I’ve made my partiality no secret. And for me, the reason should be obvious. The drama was controversial but it was also a huge critical success, with a beloved, veteran director at the helm, and I think it made people change their preconceptions about her. If she is being praised for HDL, then I would credit My Mister as the reason. People went from dismissing her out of hand as another singer who made a mediocre actress, to hailing her as one of the best idol actors out there.

If you can’t see why, or you think her performance in that drama is “one-dimensional” then a reply from me is probably not going to convince you otherwise. However, I have to ask due to the way you’ve phrased the question about My Mister in particular: Have you actually watched the drama, or are you only familiar with it from social media and gifs? Because if it’s the later, I can see why you might have formed this opinion. My Mister is an incredibly restrained drama, and the characters in general but Ji An specifically, carry a lot of trauma and emotion beneath the surface and are very reluctant to give anything away lest they be viewed as weak by others. If it’s the former, and you have seen the drama, then I don’t know how you can say, in all sincerity, the performance is one-dimensional or that Ji An only has one expression.

Certainly, Ji An is a very “steely” character.  But that’s because she lives her life on a knife’s edge. When we meet her it’s like she’s already dead, living in despair, trapped in a situation that she can’t see a way out of and perhaps on some level she doesn’t thinks she deserves to escape from. She slowly, very slowly, comes back to life over the course of the drama. That’s is how she is written. I would go further and say that is probably how IU was directed to play her (an actor isn’t an island, the director has a lot of say too in what they show and what they don’t.) I think there are many shades of subtlety in the performance, which cannot be captured by facial expressions alone. They come down to the timbre of her voice, the way she moves and holds herself, etc. Many of which can’t be captured in a gif sets or in stills. However to say that those expressions are the only things IU gets to show in the drama is simply disingenuous.

She gets to show the hard edges of disgust, fear, self-loathing, and cruelty. She also gets to show vulnerability, heartbreak, softness and remorse. She has explosive scenes, she has wrenching scenes, she has quiet scenes of grief and of gratitude.

(Couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for on tumblr so I grabbed these gifs off google images, credit to the gifmakers.)

I think she showcases them all. Maybe these emotions and they’re expression aren’t what you’re looking for in “good acting”. Perhaps there is another deficiency you are seeing that I’m not. Or maybe the way she shows these things isn’t loud enough, big enough or varied enough for your tastes. If that’s the case, then I don’t know what to tell you. Something about it isn’t striking a chord with you. It did for me. There’s really nothing I can do to change your mind.

However, I would venture to ask...did you have the same criticism for Lee Sun Kyun? His character is hardly so expressive that what you’ve said about Ji An couldn’t just as easily apply to Dong Hoon. I’ll go so far as to posit what you might be having a problem with in My Mister is the direction and not the acting.

As far as your critique on HDL that she “does all the right expressions, and they’re all quite convincing, but I never feel like they go beyond the surface” I’m not sure what to tell you. If she does all the right expressions AND they are convincing then how can you say they don’t beyond the surface? If they don’t go beyond the surface, then aren’t what you really saying is they aren’t convincing? At least to you? It could just be that you’re not connecting with her character for one reason or another, or maybe some of the idiosyncrasies of IU’s acting style just don’t connect with you. Maybe this is just a “different strokes for different folks” issue.

I, for one, do not enjoy Suzy’s acting. I think she’s perfectly serviceable as an actor, and she’s improved in recent projects. Even so, she never works for me especially in crying scenes. And kind of like with what you’ve said above, I think she makes the right expressions at the right times, but something about it rings false for me. And I’ve watched enough of her stuff at this point to be certain it wasn’t a one off.

But when it comes down to comparing one actor to another, or IU specifically to some of the actors you’ve mentioned, again I can only plead subjectivity. Different actors bring different strengths to their projects, and some projects require different things of their actors. I could sit here and dither with you about Han Ye Ri (who I think is the best out of the three you’ve mentioned above, and the most similar to IU in the characters she picks and how she plays them) and her different characters, but it would only be a wheel spinning exercise since we’re never going to have an exact one-to-one comparison between people.

To summarize, I believe you when you say you sent this ask in good faith. And I did my best to answer you, though I’m afraid you may not find my analysis very satisfying. This isn’t a subject I can approach with a lot of objectivity, because IU is one of my favorites and like I said, I’m just an amateur critic. If you’re noticing a lot of love and praise post HDL, I think it’s probably a result of the boost she got from My Mister and not as much because of her current drama on its own. Although I think she’s continuing to demonstrate that she knows what she’s doing and her turns in My Mister or Producers or Persona weren’t just a fluke.

Don’t feel like you have to like something just because other people are telling you it’s good. And don’t feel like you have to criticize something because it’s suddenly grown in popularity in a way you didn’t expect. Don’t take all of this too seriously, and try to enjoy yourself out there. That’s all any of us are trying to do, and I think it’s easy to lose sight of that.

Sorry for the long reply. Thank you for the ask.

Jona

[daily-hundred]

THE 100 GIF/COLORING TIPS

Okay, so I know nobody asked for this lmao but I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about the lighting on The 100 (which is completely understandable since it’s very bad.) And even though I’m not at all a pro, I’ve been giffing this show for awhile and I’ve found out some stuff that might be useful for other The 100 gifmakers out there.

Please reblog/like this if you save anything from this tutorial or if it helps you at all :)

WHAT YOU NEED 

Photoshop (I use CS5).

General knowledge on giffing.

Patience because The 100 is a hard show to color. 

COLORING PREVIEW

WARNING: This is very long. Everything starts under the cut!

GENERAL GIFFING TIPS

Get 1080p/720p downloads. Since The 100 is already a very dark and grainy show, anything lower will ruin the gifs’ quality.

Make sure you have cropped the gifs to the proper Tumblr size. Click here for reference. And get rid of the network logo when you’re cropping it! It always looks better without it.

Sharpen your gifs! I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t. Sharpening your gifs will make it look more HD and show off your coloring better. My sharpening is a smart sharpen with these settings. You can go here if you want to experiment with other actions/settings, though.

Do not have any skipping frames. Please. Your gif will look sloppy and won’t be as smooth, therefore ruining the quality of it.

Make sure you have the gif timing right. I usually go for 0.05 seconds because personally I think it looks best, but I’ve seen some who went with 0.04s or 0.07s and that also works well. Go for 0.05s! I realized now other time settings doesnt work as well as 0.05s especially with The 100.

Save settings. My usual go-to settings are these. Though sometimes I went for selective instead of adaptive and it looks okay, too! :)

+ extras: subtitle!

The font you use for subtitles on your gif will also affect the way your gif looks. Fonts that are too big or too small will make it look less HQ, but having the right font with the right size (and the right position!) will make it look good. Here are some text settings you can use that I’ve found: [ one / two / three ]

COLORING TIPS

Now that you’ve kind of gotten the general giffing tips, I’ve listed out some coloring tips that I found out specifically for The 100. All PSDs will be linked at the end of this post.

Adjust your brightness before anything else.

The 100 is generally very dark, but even with scenes that are already not too-dark, you’re still gonna want to adjust the brightness so you can work on the colors better. I’ll go detailed with this one. We’ll be working on 3 scenes, bright, neutral, and dark scenes.

1. BRIGHT/YELLOW

For this one, I used a scene of Clarke from Season 5. 

The scene is already very bright, so what we’re gonna do here is to adjust it so it’ll look prettier without being too bright that it hurts our eyes. First let’s do curves. I added two curves layer, the first one is to add just the tiniest bit more brightness to her face, and the second one is to darken the background. and then I’m gonna add brightness and levels for contrast:

Alright, now that I’m already happy with the brightness, I’m gonna go and adjust the color. This is too yellow for me, so I’m gonna add a color balance layer to and pull up the blues/cyans/magentas

That’s good, but it’s too desaturated. I’m gonna go and add selective layer to make the colors pop up. I adjusted the red, yellow, and neutral and I got this:

Now this looks great already! Unfortunately, I’m annoying so I have to add more adjustments lmao. This is the final result after being added with an extra brightness layer and a gradient map on luminousity.

2. NEUTRAL

For this one, I’m gonna use a scene of Lexa (reshop heda you’ll always be missed) from Season 2. It’s not very bright but it’s also not too dark.

Now the tips with scenes with enough clarity (doesn’t have to be super bright, but if you can still see things clearly) like this one, clicking the ‘auto’ button on curves saves a whole lot of time. I did so and this is what I have in result:

The auto curves will usually brighten the gif and balance the color on it. Often times you still have to adjust it again. But still this will save a lot of time. I added some more brightness and levels before adding color balance and selective colors layer, and here’s the final gif:

Keep in mind that this will only work with some scenes. This will work alright with the Clarke gif above, but it definitely won’t with this next gif we’ll be coloring.

3. DARK/BLUE

Okay now this one requires some work. I chose Octavia’s scene from the Season 6 trailer. 

The original sharpened gif (notice that I got rid of the logo! It’s really annoying for me so I always find a way to get rid of it.)

It’s reaally dark. So let’s start with brightening it up a little. I added curves, brightness, levels and more brightness because it was still dark as hell:

Now, you may think it’s already bright enough, but for me personally I can still make it brighter, so I added exposure. With dark scenes exposure works really well. But you have to take it easy with this layer since it affects the gif drastically with very minimal effort. I also added a black and white Gradient Map layer that I always set to luminousity:

Now it’s time to go and adjust the hell out of the color balance to make it less blue! I also added an extra selective colors layer to make the reds pop out and get rid of the pixelated/grainy blacks on her hair. After that I added another brightness layer. Here’s my final result:

The quality on this gif is not as good as the others since it was from the youtube trailer (1080p youtube video are still low compared to web-dl’s) but that’s basically the gist on how I work on The 100′s darker scenes! :)

Color balance and selective colors.

The 100 lighting often makes your gifs not only too dark or too bright, but also too yellow or too blue. Balancing it out using a color balance almost always helps. Selective colors layer will also help when you want to pop up certain parts of your gifs. Here’s some tips on selective colors that I got from msmarvel’s coloring tutorial.

Selective colors and color balance layer usually go in the middle or on top of brightening adjustments for me. But I found out that color balance could also be done after you’ve done your coloring, but you have to put it under the other adjustment layers to have the most effect.

I’m gonna show you how I edit this gif here of Raven and Murphy with what I’ve said above.

Without any coloring:

Yeah, I know. I can’t see anything either.

I brighten up this gif using my method above for dark blue scenes. Curves, brightness, levels, and add more depending on what you need. Here’s what I have now:

We can see both of them properly now, but it’s waay to blue. Also I’m losing some color from Raven’s skin so I’m gonna add color balance under every adjustment and pull up the reds and yellows.

Now it’s better! You can totally leave it here and post your gif like this. but I added an extra selective colors layer to bring out the red, yellows and blacks, and here’s the final result: 

I should mention that when it comes to scenes with POCs, you have to be very careful. With this scene with Raven color balance and selective colors helped bring back her color, but on other scene adjusting too much of the red/neutral/yellow might ruin her skin. You are allowed to adjust the colors on a gif extremely when necessary, but be careful about it :)

Some dark scenes are supposed to stay dark.

I realized that with the 100 (or any other shows tbh) brightening up a gif with a dark scene too much will make it lose so much quality and ruin it. So, what I’ve learned to do is to let it be dark. I’ve seen some people brighten their gifs too much and even though I understand your frustration, it’s gonna be better if you just let it be as it is. But, still, make sure it’s bright enough so you can still see the things happening on the gif. 

Here’s a gif of Bellamy from Season 5. You can see how dark it is without any coloring:

First, let’s brighten this baby up so we can see Bellamy’s face. I added curves and brightness, levels and more brightness:

Now I know it’s still very dark, but instead of brightening it up too much I’m gonna go to color balance and add the tiniest bit of red and yellow, and then I’ll add a photo filter. These two adjustments are done so we can have more color on his face instead of the ugly dark red we had. With those adjustments, what we have now is this:

Next, we’ll move on to selective color. This is what I mean when I say you have to be careful with this adjustment. I want to brighten up Bellamy’s face by putting down the blacks on the red selective color. But by doing so I might erase all the reds from his face and whitewash him. To prevent that, while I put down the blacks, I bring up the reds (lowering the cyan) and yellows. I also pull up a bit of neutral and black selective color so I can get rid of the grain (adjusting the black on both selective colors.)

With a little more last-minute brightness, here’s the final result:

That’s pretty much it! You can add more brightness than what I did here (I was in a rush when I made this but I would definitely add a little more curves or brightness) as long as it doesn’t ruin the colors and won’t make the grain too visible. 

Now as promised, here are the PSDs I made for this tutorial! Please don’t claim them as your own and feel free to tag me (#useraaya) if you make anything with them so I can check it out :)

[ clarke ] [ lexa ] [ octavia ] [ murphy & raven ] [ bellamy ]

I hope this helps! Don’t hesitate to message me on my main blog if you have any questions. <3

[msbeccieboo]

Arrow 8x02 Brain Dump

Meh! This is gonna be a shorter one, because quite frankly, this just wasn't worth staying up late for (it airs at 2am my time 😩😩), and I felt it a waste of one of the final run of episodes. It wasn’t the worst episode everrr, by any means, but it was just meh. And I think for the last season we deserve better than meh, every single week.

The good 😍

Always start with, and double-down on the positives haha!! 

Antonio Negret and Stephen Amell really came through for us with The Ring Moment, which, albeit very brief, just gave us a little moment to remind us that Felicity was on Oliver’s mind throughout all of this, that she was his driving force for doing this crazy mission, and that (through the quotes they selected for flashbacks) he still had hope in what he was doing, and that Felicity will find him, and they were “gonna be fine” 😭😭😭

Source: olicitygifs

If this wasn’t foreshadowing a happy Olicity ending, then why are we even here haha!

Some more below the cut:

Antonio did a great job overall in this episode; his episodes are always beautifully shot and he gets the absolute best out of the character moments in the scripts. I’d have actually loved for Antonio to have directed the premiere last week…ugh that would have amped that up to astronomical levels of awesome!!

Oliver’s moments with Tatsu. I’m glad they used her to service Oliver’s character; we could have done with her joining the team back in the day instead of NTA! She was a true ally!

Source: oliverxfelicity

This moment was wonderful to show why he is still there on the mission (short version, he's a paragon of heroes, duh). I’m really glad they had Tatsu question his reasons so he could give this answer; that he is in this for his family. He ‘knows’ he’s going to die, and he left his family behind to keep them (and the rest of the multiverse) safe, so he has to keep trusting The Monitor, because if not, and he doesn’t see this through, then he left his family for nothing. However, I’m pleased that Tatsu challenging him on this, led him to ultimately actually question The Monitor, by deciding to go to Nanda Parbat for more answers.

Source: oliverxfelicity

The flash forwards. A very welcome reprieve from the A storyline this week! Mia taking the lead back in the lair, and being all protective sister over William is A MOOD.

I love seeing her in softer moments like when she was reassuring Connor, or her panic over William. We have seen glimpses of this before last season and it reminds us that she does have a big squishy heart inside like her papa, along with the empathy of her Mama Smoak, as well as being the kickass team leader/warrior/vigilante.

William continues to be his witty, adorable, hacktastic self and he has my whole heart!! 💗💗💗

Connor and JJs relationship is adorable. Connor has so much John Diggle in him, I just cannot 😍😍 And we saw the mask slip a little on JJ, and heard about the little hero boy that he used to be, but appears to have well and truly left behind 😩 I can’t wait to see future Dig because this good/evil brother thing is just going to remind him of him and Andy and he’s going to blame himself and it’s going to be fantastic!! I hope we get to see that!!

What else…ooh THAT ENDING!!! From that awesome shot of Lyla's Amanda Waller shoes to finding out that she is already working with The Monitor 😱😱😱 This ending was gooood. Do I think that Lyla is really evil? NOPE. Do I hope that this will lead to a beautiful Dyla confrontation? HELL YES!!! But as Mia said in the flash forwards that Lyla and John were “basically saints”, I hope that that implies that she (1) isn't evil and (2) doesn't die...yay!!

The bad 😡

Black Siren😒😒😒 My brief love affair with BS has officially ended haha! I really wanted to continue liking her after there was no Felicity for her to bounce off, but NOPE. Instead they’ve had her revert back to every other incarnation of LL, whereby she just blames Oliver for everything that goes wrong for her (and let’s not even get started on that terrible fake crying). Blaming Oliver when he literally had no clue what he was doing on that Earth, and it would undoubtedly have happened anyway (The Monitor confirmed this later). Oh and he just saved your ungrateful arse, when you could have stopped to help (and would have definitely died), but you just hopped straight on through the portal instead so shut the fuck up and sit down!! RAAHHH!! Ok, I know that she was just processing her grief etc etc etc, but ugh!! And then she comes back and takes all the glory for saving Tatsu when she should have been there repaying Oliver and Dig and helping them out in the first place, without even a hint of an apology?! **SHAKES ANGRY FIST**

The Monitor manipulating Oliver by telling him he was responsible for the loss of Earth 2. This was later revealed to not be the case, him stating that it was a necessary sacrifice. So what was the point in this? To keep him in line? To ready Oliver somehow, as he alluded to with Lyla at the end? Ugh. The Monitor sucks balls.

The plot…what even happened? Some Dr bloke was needed by The Monitor for Unknown Reasons (I feel like we’ll be getting a lot of this, I only hope that most of it is accounted for later). He didn’t appear to be interested in the new Alpha-Omega virus, leaving that plot point seemingly shoehorned in because ode to S3 🙄🙄 Oliver stopped the virus getting out and rescued the Dr, but didn’t want to hand him over right away (but Lyla did anyway), so he decides to go to Nanda Parbat next week for answers. The end.

The Meh 😕

Meh sums up this episode for me really. This is how I thought I'd be feeling about S8, but last week showed that they could still make it good, so why aren't they?!😭😭 I really want to be enjoying this last run!

Action, action, action! 🙄🙄 A fight sequence-heavy episode was never going to be a favourite, it’s just not what I watch for, so that’s not a bad thing; lots of people are here for all the fighting, so this is for them! The fight scenes were actually shot well, and didn’t have any of the awkward camera-moves-past-each-character-one-by-one-and-hopes-no-one-misses-their-marks-or-gets-caught-standing-still moments that we often see **cough** last weeks episode **cough** 😂

Lyla. Don’t hate me. I love Lyla! But until that (awesome) ending, her presence was wasted by being BS’s cheerer-upper, when she could have been with the A team haha! I did like her little “hi honey” moment with Dig though 😍😍 I’m hoping they use Lyla more as the season progresses up to the crossover, especially given that ending!

Source: feilcityqueen

China White. Although it was good that they kept her a secret, and were able to use an already-established baddie for the episode, she just fell a bit flat for me, much like other times in later years that they brought her back.

Of course the episode wasn’t 100% terrible, there were some beautiful little character moments for Oliver and the flash forward crew, but for me, a few heartfelt moments does not a great episode make. It felt like they got Tatsu to come back for an episode and thought ok, how do we build an episode around that. It didn't drive the story forward, it didn't particularly offer any character development (all of BS's fake crying notwithstanding), it was meh. There are so very few episodes of this show left, ever, and I feel like each one they should just be squeezing out all of the excellent Arrow juice and making them count, and this just didn’t feel like that for me, sadly. But onwards and upwards!! Next week has potential!!

Next week

Speedy and Nanda Parbat!! And if we don’t get a 3x20 sexytimes call-back then quite frankly what is the point hahaha!!

Thank you to the wonderful gifmakers, who always capture the best moments so beautifully 😍😍😍 (Uncredited gifs are mine)

[hyunin]

for the gifmaker questions: 1, 8, 36, 48!

1. what are your top 3 favorite sets you’ve made?

gosh this is pretty hard since my memory is bad and i’ve made sooo many, but! funnily enough these are all stray kids sets before i actually properly stanned them and moved all the skz stuff to yangjeongin? but in no particular order:

 this one. it was so fun, i love zombies so much and i blame the abundance of hyunjin in this set for me ending up stanning him

this one, though i never know if it counts as a gifset or gfx. but there it is!! this took me so long...and so much hyperfixating...but to this day i still don’t know how i’ll top this

lastly, this! another set where i had to cut a bunch of the bg out, but i was a lot more efficient this time thanks to practice haha but i like how the colors in this one turned out a lot too!

8. what gif trend do you hate?

gosh (2), i don’t know tbh. i fully encourage everyone to do whatever trends they want as long as they’re having fun asdfsdfg i can’t think of anything right now if i do i’ll come back and edit this

36. do you gif with something specific in mind or do you just wing it?

it depends on what i’m making! i never really have a specific coloring in mind. i have my multitude of psds that i just pile onto the gif and cycle through, and my favorite thing about giffing is when i hit a combo that looks nice. so satisfying HAHA and honestly, even in the case of the top 10 skz bsides gfx/gifs, i winged so much of it. i had some vague idea in mind and the rest was kind of trial and error, so i guess i mostly just wing it. ~follow the flow of the art~

48. how would you describe your giffing style?

slow...HAHA and patient! i’m slow in giffing just about everything, but i like enjoying the process and trying to make something i’m happy with first and foremost. my bigger projects where i have to cut the backgrounds out of things or compilation sets take me a long time because i want to be Thorough, and do the absolute best i can. i think thorough is probably a good word for it!

[kinkymagnus]

Hey jsyk, iloveyouallecliightwood (except spelled correctly) who made that (admittedly gorgeous) kiss gifset you reblogged is a terf. :(

thank you for letting me know! i did already have them blocked and i’m not really surprised--i think for just being an annoying alec stan crimes, or some reason i don’t remember, but i didn’t know they were a terf for sure and that’s gross as hell, ew. 

i do have some complicated feelings about this--not about them being a terf, fuck that person, but about whether i should take it down. or rather, less than that, and more whether i should be monitoring every single gif i reblog.

(full disclosure anon, this isn’t about you at all, and i’m not upset at you, and i really don’t mind you coming in and politely telling me at all! no worries) 

like, it’s different with a text post, because knowing the op is an exclusionist or a terf or whatever else can completely change the context of the post. if someone posts something like ‘harry potter is my new favorite series!’ you might kind of be like hm, but it’s very possible someone just finally read it after all those years and really loved it. while i hate jk rowling and her being a terf kind of ruined the books for me, i have nothing against people who still like the books, so i wouldn’t really think anything of it. but that takes on a new meaning if a terf posted it: a seemingly innocent post about liking harry potter now means ‘i like and support these books specifically because the author hates trans people, like i do.’ the message of that post is now different, even though the words haven’t changed. that’s a fairly innocuous and simple example--sometimes it’s more obvious and dogwhistle-y, and other times it’s more nuanced and subtle. either way, with text, it’s generally best to know if the op is trash, i think. 

but with a gifset, that context is a little harder to have or for it to like, matter. there are plenty of gifmakers in the fandom i strongly disagree with and even dislike, but i generally don’t purposefully avoid their content. i might notice the url and wrinkle my nose a bit and weigh how much i really like the gif. but i rarely will see the url and straight up go “lol off limits”. and if i do, it’s usually more personal than them just being a bad person, even if i really, strongly disagree with them. (like the “anti anti” crowd, for example.) 

because it would be a lot harder to have that kind of hidden meaning in a gifset. i suppose it’s possible, but i feel it would be more obvious.

so the main reason why one wouldn’t reblog would be to deprive them of notes, and not circulate their content. but honestly, i don’t know how much good that will do. if i can still enjoy harry potter, why not a gifset of magnus smiling? i’m not exactly an influencer, it’s not going to do much. 

plus it would just generally be exhausting to filter every single gifset i reblog, to make sure op isn’t trash, and then probably eventually be unable to reblog half the gifs in the fandom. i mean, i won’t reblog a gifset from something like ‘jalecforever420′ or ‘ihatemagnusbanedeeply’ (lorenzo has a tumblr??) or whatever, but that is kind of an obvious oh ew, you know? 

anyway i don’t know what the point is here and why i’m rambling about it. i was just thinking about it. if y’all do send me something like this, i’ll probably delete whatever it was (and i have this person filtered now so hopefully it just won’t show up) but i can’t promise i’m going to look through each and every blog that creates gifsets before i reblog the gifset. that would be exhausting and time consuming and i don’t know it’s really worth it.

but by all means, if you see me reblog a post by a terf or an exclusionist or a jalec or whatever, feel free to tell me. especially if it is a text post, or you’re worried i’ve missed some hidden meaning. obviously i won’t just take every anon at their word, i’ll double check first (as i did here--no offense, anon!) but feel free to shoot me an ask if you feel the need

[quietasides]

It's so exciting to wake up in the morning, scroll through my dash, and see all the new 2017 moments from promo. The fandom has such talented gifmakers! Thank you all! Myself, I haven't been making much of anything new, though I hope I will when Harry tours. I’ve wondered what my blog will look like until then, and it’s likely I’ll be running a skimpy queue.

There's some big change happening in my life right now, pivoting around my decision to ask my husband, an alcoholic, to leave the house. Less than forty-eight hours later one of our kids found him "passed out in the woods next to his car," at a campground. Indeed he was, looking like every other time he's been passed out in the course of our marriage. His drinking got really severe a few years ago, and he's been trying—to wildly-varying degrees—to get dry since early 2015. That was at my insistence. He had passed out on Christmas Eve before the kids were in bed, by that time. I stopped drinking in 2008, and it's rough to live with a drunk person.

Less than a year ago he said he needed help, and went to AA. Now he's likely facing rehab, and some very hard work. He's such a good, strong, and determined man, I feel sure he can do it once he's finally hit rock bottom. I think he torpedoed himself this weekend.

Me, I'm at the point of, "Okay. Fucking have it, then." We met almost twenty-three years ago. It's been a long long long long time coming.

My future has taken a turn. I'm not feeling overwhelmed by the challenges, though I’d felt swamped by stresses in my relationship. I've been deeply sad for several years, now. A few days ago, I checked to see if I was still feeling that sadness...No, I'm not. I'm very excited about the future. I feel I'm about to enter an artistically fruitful time. I think I'll be a better mother. Who knows what the future holds.

I'm all about making life the best I can for our four kids. I told one the other night that I would never have chosen for her to be the child of an alcoholic. But then again, I said, "I chose to marry Daddy." I would trade none of my children for anything in the world.

That's where I am these days. Not making gifs. Not on tumblr, so much. Out in the world, in this shifting life.

(after the jump, see what I’ve posted before about this)

originally posted September 2016—

I’m going to ruminate at unexpected length on this quote: Love… force it and it disappears. You cannot will love, nor even control it. You can only guide its expression. It comes or it goes according to those qualities in life that invite it or deny its presence.  (David Seabury)

When I first read this, the last sentence really struck me: [Love] comes or it goes according to those qualities in life that invite it or deny its presence.

I’ve mentioned here before that my husband is a heavy drinker. He’s been a heavy drinker since we met as teenagers. He’d already gotten a DUI before we met, when he was nineteen. The second week we were hanging out I told him that drinking would be an issue for me. I had abruptly left a possessive alcoholic and mental abuser just eight months earlier. I was a high-strung mess when high, and super-depressive most other times. It was rough. (Thanks, undiagnosed bipolar II) But I was unable to see how much I needed to protect myself from the consequences of being with a drinker. He loved me and my difficulties very well, and it felt worth it.

I’d never really enjoyed drinking, but I started doing shots with all my friends. (And getting high, which I always enjoyed, lol.) So it was even more okay. Drunk people have fun together! Loud and uninhibited fun! (Sidenote: self-medicating doesn’t work and the next morning hurts.)

It’s been years since I met my husband. Laughing together, his intelligence, his creativity and determination, how he expresses himself, and how he loves me and our children – I value those things, tremendously. I chose for those attributes to carry more weight than any black-out drunkenness.

I stopped drinking almost eight years ago, and it was really hard. I was accustomed to a few light scotches taking me elsewhere, and fast. Shortly after I stopped drinking, I asked my husband what we had in common besides that. He got really pissed off and said my question chapped his ass. I’d say we’ve been growing distant since then — though still loving one another and functioning somewhat decently as a family with four kids (ages one to seven, at the time).

As I went through a few years of serious self-work in therapy, my husband continued drinking. He was extremely supportive of me and caught me a lot whenever I started to fall. He’s a good and committed father, for the most part. Only rarely did he drink around the kids; usually he started after they’d gone to bed. Until it got really bad and he'd been drinking by the time he got home from work.

Being around a drunk person when you’re sober is not fun, not entertaining, not enlightening. Many drunk people have some enthusiastic but often stupid and loud ideas. Though my husband’s a genial drunk, never cruel or using his fists, I was almost always annoyed and angered. His drinking was a quality in life that denied the presence of love. I didn’t want to be close to him. I was, eventually, fully disgusted by his inebriation. I hate my husband when he’s drunk. Honestly hate him. His heavy drinking denied the presence of love. I can’t say that enough, I don’t think. And I tried to get the message through to him a number of times, but he brushed it aside.

Because he was trying, oh he did, to manage his drinking. To stop, for a few days at a time. To only drink beer, or wine. Only occasional benders. The self-delusion of control. It doesn’t work, and it didn’t work for him. You can fool yourself into thinking it’s your free will choosing to drink, rather than the compulsion of an addiction – it’s all so deceptive. (I know what it’s like, a bit. I’ve been an addict. The best way to quit smoking is never to start, kids.)

Drunkenness does not invite love. Passing out doesn’t invite it, the oddly-sweet stink of alcohol doesn’t invite it. The unfocused eyes, the attempts not to stumble. Sloppiness. The unreliability, the worry, the disappearance from every evening whether physically present or not. Falling down. Eventually passing out, sometimes early in the evening, slouched down in a chair. Being passively repulsive. I’m very used to spending hours alone in the evening (and frankly, as an introvert, I don’t mind it). I withdrew from him long ago.

So, what does invite love?

Well… about a month ago, my husband told me he needed help. And he started going to AA meetings, almost every day. He’s fallen off the wagon once since then — but instead of hiding it from me, he was honest about it. And though I was annoyed, I was not angered, like I have been for years every single time he’s been drunk. I said I despise him when he’s drunk. This time, I felt real compassion.

Honesty invites love. It invites respect. Honesty from him makes such a huge difference. I can respect that he’s passing the burden from his own two hands, and allowing others to support him. I can respect that he’s started going to therapy. I can respect that he’s really serious about this, and doing the work to achieve sobriety.

I believe he can do it. The man’s already run ten marathons, and that takes a ton of determination.

Love and genuine respect are, after years, coming back into our household, and things are looking up. I feel like we can become partners again. I feel like we’ll be able to grow together, again. I’m not entertaining thoughts of ending my marriage.

So I’m doing well indeed. Thank you for asking! How many nights does it take to count the stars?/ That’s the time it would take to fix my heart/ Oh, baby, I was there for you/ All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah
 How many nights have you wished someone would stay/ lie awake only hoping they’re okay/ I never counted all of mine/ if I tried I know it would feel like infinity

26 August 2016—

If there’s any small issue of concern when you first get together with someone, that shit doesn’t just go away. Like, you choose to “manage” it and justify it being alright, usually by virtue of being in love with that person. Who’s likely an amazing person. Loving someone well (so to speak) won’t manage the problem, though, and it certainly becomes less tolerable and a much bigger issue as time passes. It’s really important to consider this stuff early on in a relationship, and suffering the difficult pain of a break-up can protect you in the long run. I’m glad I married my husband, he really is a great guy and I love him and I can’t imagine life without our kids – but there’s also some alternate reality out there where I’m partnered with someone who doesn’t have to fight substance abuse. Who knows what kind of person I’d be, then. Real life is hard stuff, sometimes!

25 August 2016—

On a personal note, you can hide things about a relationship, and even people close to you have no idea. My husband, a very good man, is/was a heavy drinker, and my parents didn’t know until I was near-breakdown. He’s a genial drunk, but a drunk is a drunk is a drunk, it affects the entire household, and stopping is an ongoing struggle. I’m not inclined to blithely share any of our troubles, and telling the truth is hard. So acquaintances see the picture of our apparently uncomplicated relationship, but they don’t know the half of it.